#Russ fans I am SO sorry he was the last one I made I didn’t have time to make him decent

[hana-bobo-finch]

woah!!! rescue corps!!!

[madstronaut]

tis christmas in july aka the season for feasting year-round 

much like the 3-in-1 monstrosity of shampoo/condish/bodywash that the COD men probably use (not gaz, though he would n e v e r) I am tossing in my ramblimmentaries three of cin’s lovely fics together here 🥰

aaanyway not even ashamed to say I’ve been re-reading their holiday keegan fic SEVERAL TIMES a month since I first saw it last december cos it’s so cute and fluffy

ok I need to get this out of the way laughing my ass off rn because autocorrect changed cumikering to cucumber several times throughout here and i was howling when I went to edit this and I was like why are there cucumbers everywhere??? LMAO

Reading: Neighbour Keegan Russ x reader by @cumikering

ah meet cute at the laundry room; I love it alr (as you can see i am easily pleased/amused/moved)

also it’s already on sight with reader’s cuz, i have unfortunately met ppl like this IRL (haven’t we all) and well talk about telling on themselves about how unhappy they are :/

“Well, if you need company…” he said, trying to not sound too hopeful. I’d love to spend some time with you. You turned to him, brow raised. “Wait, you mean, you want to come with? Be my plus one?” “That wasn’t- well, yeah. I can do that.” He shrugged. “If you want.” This wasn’t the direction he was heading for. He was going to offer to spend Christmas together, maybe exchange gifts, but he surely wasn’t going to take that back. Anything for a chance with you.

AAAA OBSESSED WITH HOW CUTE AND AWKWARD THIS WHOLE EXCHANGE IS

He always enjoyed seeing your face brighten like that, despite never getting the chance to see it enough…But between deployments, he was lucky to even catch a glimpse of you once a week, leaving any possible advances towards you simply a fantasy to him. He was out of practice, but was he that out of practice that he came on too strong and scared you? He certainly didn’t mean to make it suggestive. This was going to end before it even started. He grimaced to himself.

we love some good ole mutual pining🥺🥰🥺🥰🥺🥰

That time you saw Keegan on a run shirtless out your window you had to sit down.

HAHAHAHAHAHHAHA crying laughing at this…also reminded me of a time I hung out with a friend in LA who went to pick up a friend after he ran a marathon and drop him off before we went to dinner - didn’t realize the runner was an old acquaintance I hadn’t seen in a while since he was a senior when I was a freshman in college but I fucking remembered him alright when he came running up ripped af, shirtless, sweaty, saw me and went “MADSTRONAAUUTTTT OMG” and picked me up and spun me while in his giant hulking sweaty arms and I briefly bluescreened…anyway cough sorry back to keegan what was I saying, yes shirtless sweaty keegan yes yes 

He didn’t speak much (you wished he did though because his voice was divine)

my fellow voicekink brian bloom fans where you at

ah wooing by fake dating, is there a better trope (tbh the ones I’ve read are hit or miss but this one is 10/10)

Keegan sat on his bed as you went through his wardrobe. How cheesy would it be if he were to pull out his guitar and serenade you? He, too, was told the ladies liked men who played the guitar. Why do you think he picked it up in high school?

*thousand eyed stare thinking of how many times I've heard wonderwall as a millenial*

He’d made it his mission to make sure taking him to your family was worth your while.

ah yes a true soldier through and throughhhhh~

You were a steady stream of glee that didn’t drain him and he couldn’t get enough.

AAWWWWWWW fucking loved this line!!!!!!!

also the cousin’s name as Bella now has me picturing her as twilight kristen stewart

It only made it hard to dilute your hopefulness that this meant the slightest bit more than nothing.

“dilute your hopefulness” GAAHHH LOVE THIS PHRASE CIN MWAH MWAH

now how to put this lightly but everything about bella just filled me with pure rage lol first off I WOULD ALSO KILL FOR A DYSON AIR WRAP GIFTED TO ME (can I buy one? yes. can I justify buying one? hell no) and I hate to use this term but textbook definition of a ‘pick-me girl’ right here but seeing casual cruelty like this would make me hear those kill bill sirens and have me swabbing some vaseline on my face and taking my earrings off and spitting some razorblades out my mouth and- cough anyway that’s from my younger fanciful days, I don’t carry razorblades in my mouth this isn’t late 90s/early 2000s new york ha cough anyway moving on smh throwing my hands at bella up in air

but I loved the contrast with keegan and let me just say everything about bella’s ‘gift’ goes against the pure nature of giftgiving and I am thrilled that she left the card there but got to take Keegan home 🥰

this whole fic reminded me of a lovely quote I read on a tear-off daily calendar lol

“The wise one knows. The giver of the gift IS the gift. And the gift is just the giver’s heart in the shape of something to make you smile.  The gift decays. The giver stays. And so the real gift remains.”

I will make an exception for celebrating Christmas in July for any of cin's holiday fics 🥰🥰🥰

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aaaaand also reading: by Ghost x plus-sized reader by cinny

omfg fucking tearing up my pillows to shreds at how much I love this lil fic!!!

You scoffed, looking past him at the other ladies in the room. “Are you serious? There are plenty who weigh far less.” His brow rose. “Are you calling me weak?”

fucking love reading about a suave smooth-ass ghost

His eyes softened a touch. “May I? Please?”

🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 WHO CAN RESIST PUPPY EYED GHOST??? TELL ME WHO

 Across the pub, the table of three men grinned at the massive stranger. The one with the mohawk was very much entertained as he gave him thumbs up.

yes yes we love wingman!141

You laughed, your breath warm against his ear. “Are you going to set me down or am I having my drink on your back?” “Don’t give me ideas.” He chuckled as he lowered you to your feet.

HOW CUTE IS SIMON CARRYING READER TO THE BAR? AAAAAAA

“Okay. Well, thanks for he drink. You could get back to your mates if you want.” “I’m Simon,” he mustered instead.

“he mustered” AAAH I LOVE BIG NERVOUS MEN STUMBLING OVER THEIR WORDS

When he turned to them, they immediately busied themselves with their drinks, averting their gazes.

LMAO

So that was why you were alone. You were waiting for someone. Disappointment anchored at the bottom of his chest. “Right. Okay.” You smiled. “Thanks for the drink, Simon. I’ll see you around, yeah?” He grunted and you headed to the end of the bar. He stood umoving for another second before retreating to his table like a kicked puppy.

ummm omg I literally keeled over and slumped out of my chair in sympathy for simon for a good minute before I could read on OMG CIN HOW COULD YOU (lmao jk I loved this sm)

You flagged down some other blond man who walked over to you with a smile.

LMAO yes yes simon you are clearly superior

“I know she’s with someone, but I can tell she likes you more,” Price said, and Simon finally tore his gaze away from you. “Ye should fight ‘im, L.T. He dinnae stand a fuckin’ chance.” “You can knock him out with a slap,” Gaz quipped.

fucking love this, cin has 141 characterisation down to a T with each of their responses!!!! 

also men of the world if you can please take notes on stepping up from 141 here, please start doing so yesterday tyvm

so busy mopping up my heart from melting at how adorable this meet-cute is and I also got halal two days in a row from the halal guys cart by work thanks to reading about the kebabs in this fic

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and finally reading: Ghost x asmr artist reader by cinny

"Simon had a pepper problem and a pasta dilemma"

🥺🥺🥺🥺 I am dying at the cuteness here alr🥺🥺🥺🥺

You turned to him. He noticed the little startle before you shoved your phone back in your pocket.

men who are self-aware of their size and presence and the effect it has on ppl around them and act accordingly, I love you

Your quiet cooking videos were one of the only things left that offered him calmness, especially on those nights away on missions, giving him tingles in all the right places, and shamefully, the wrong ones too sometimes.

sir, sir, there is no room for shame in love~

“Ah- I’m sorry,“ he managed, flustered by your sudden exit. “I didn’t want to be presumptuous, but you make those videos, don’t you? I recognised your voice.” You grinned, turning to him. “I just wanted to thank you,” he said. “Your videos comfort me a lot.” “I’m happy to hear. Thank you for watching.” Simon wanted to tug his beanie over his face because as you walked away, he was unmoving with a racing heart and a blush over his pale cheeks.

omfg WANTED TO TUG HIS BEANIE DOWN??? I AM IN LOVE I LOVE STRONG YET VULNERABLE GIANT MEN SM (this is a fluff fic so I am keeping with the fluffy vibes nd restraining my horny ass from choking out some absolutely thirsty comments here)

Despite the uncomfortable circumstances, your quiet yet crisp voice always sent him into a restful slumber.

yes shoutout to my favorite YT vids and comfort fics for putting me to sleep without fail

The chance encounter only fuelled his attraction. Knowing the kind smile behind the sweetest voice felt like an intimate secret, one you shared with him and only him - not with the rest of your few thousand subscribers.

i love how sweet simon is here with his lil parasocial crush and OMG WHEN READER APPROACHES HIM FIRST IN THE PASTA AISLE I also blushed IRL GOD I LOve FLUFF FICS SM

“Someone sent in a recipe for a video, and it’s absolutely delicious. I’ve been making it at least once a month ever since.”

SIMON’S COMFORT YOUTUBER’S COMFORT RECIPE IS SIMON'S??? WHAT IS THIS GLORIOUS OUROBOROS OF A COINKYDINK

He combed his hair back with his fingers, hoping his hat hair wasn’t terrible. He caught the double take you did at his tattooed arm.

🥰hehehe i love these little tidbits and morsels of vulnerability (hmm good band name, writing that down)

The rich scent of caramelised meat drifting in the room wrapped around him like a warm blanket.

Between sips of tea, you enjoyed your own halves of the chocolate wordlessly, the music melting into the background.

The savoury aroma glided past the thin gaps of the oven, swirling and dancing between you and him.

mmmmmm this has to be one of the coziest fics ive ever read

“I was an apprentice butcher before I enlisted.” He pressed down on the ricer with ease.

so much said in two sentences!!! ugh mwah mwah so many chef’s kisses for your writing style cinny

also loved how both are very self-aware and how reader picks up on simon talking about his mom in past tense and the whole fic emerging to fit around this bit of simon’s story is so wonderful to me… He waited until you took a bite before taking his own, and his breath caught. His brows furrowed as lump formed in his throat. Had the ground cracked and plunged him into a glitched universe? He was once more in Manchester, 10 years younger, finally home after a long day at the butcher, his mum and brother waiting at the table with the piping hot dish in the middle of it.

literally picturing that critic eating ratatouille flashback end scene from the eponymous movie 😂🥰

The last thing he wanted to do in front of you was shed a tear, but there he was, some hulking stranger sobbing on your shoulder as nostalgia held him in a death grip. It was humiliating to be seen like this – he didn’t remember the last time he cried from feelings, yet the tears wouldn’t cease despite his efforts. But you held him close, and his thick arms wrapped around you. He told himself if he pulled you close enough, it would hurt less.

i love how simon’s comfort streamer becomes an IRL comfort place for him to safely break down 🥹🥹 did I cry from reading this? IDK MAYBE WHO KNOWS? (looks at the ruined kleenex piled in my wastebin)

I hope all readers know and have a person and place like this (and may we host such places and become such people as well) 💛✨🌿

and of course I will pause my rambles here with a big-ass hug 🫂 and thank you to cinny for being a wonderful comfort fic writer for meeee 🫶🫶🫶😘👌😘👌😘👌

[lonelier-version-of-you]

Sorry for the Henruss rant that is about to ensue, I know I’ve basically said all this a million times. Being reminded recently of their ridiculous breakup scene just got me annoyed again.

I just still can’t believe that we got an angry, shouty Henruss breakup scene and it was Russ initiating it because he was mad Henrik didn’t tell him about his teenage daughter’s pregnancy. Rather than what it very obviously should have been: Henrik being overcome by his internalised homophobia and Gaskell trauma, getting scared, and pushing Russ away, insisting he was wrong about being interested in Russ and that he only likes women, insisting he can’t have a healthy relationship with a man because he tried before and look how it ended.

Henruss having drama and taking ages to get properly together wasn’t a problem. I mean, it’s Henrik. Any relationship he has, especially with another man, is going to be a long, angsty journey at best. To expect a fluffy romcom relationship when Henrik Hanssen is involved would be setting oneself up for disappointment. (He maybe could’ve had that with Carole, or something in that general vein at least, but then that storyline was dropped so... yeah.)

But why did the drama and angst come from... Russ’s daughter being pregnant?? (And Russ somehow not having noticed, which was just ridiculous.) What was the point in that?

It would’ve been one thing if Holby wasn’t cancelled and still had hour-long episodes, maybe then they could have run it as a subplot alongside proper character work, but as it was it was just a weird storyline that made no sense (there were absolutely no signs Billie was pregnant when she was brought into hospital before, surely realistically it would’ve been discovered then?) and took up time that really shouldn’t have been.

I was cheering when S23E47 aired and Henrik finally did what I’d been expecting him to do much sooner - snapping at Russ and pushing him away. (I love that plot point. It would’ve been utterly out of character if Henrik had just been like “oh, Russ isn’t upset with me about Billie anymore, time to happily get back together with him!”.) But it was just far too little, far too late, especially as a Johnrik fan. It still felt like it was more about Henrik’s self-loathing and inability to believe he can be loved in general, rather than any meaningful exploration of Henrik’s struggle to accept his bisexuality, IMO.

I feel like the show was terrified of exploring Henruss meaningfully in the context of it being a relationship between two men, and they just wanted to treat it like it wasn’t any different than a relationship between a man and a woman. And yes, to some people and characters, there wouldn’t be a difference, and that’s okay. But to Henrik, with the context of his life experiences, of course there would be a difference! His relationship with Russ would not be the same in his eyes as his relationship with Maja! (Lol at how Maja is literally the only actual girlfriend Henrik’s had and thus the only point of comparison I can use, unless you believe Elle Gardner was joking when she said she’d never actually been with Henrik.) Henrik grew up and then came of age/went to med school/started his career in a massively homophobic and biphobic era, and that would’ve affected him a lot, especially as he’s known of his bisexuality at least since med school if not sooner.

Anyway, this all comes back, fundamentally, to how bitter I still am that the show didn’t let Henrik properly talk about his feelings for John. It’s pretty much canon that Henrik was about to come out for John in John’s last few episodes, only for everything that happened to shove him back into the closet (I really don’t know how to take the “I did not know John Gaskell” scene in S20E47 if it’s not supposed to be Henrik re-closeting himself). So why didn’t Henrik get to talk about that in his literal coming out storyline?? (And why didn’t he get to call himself bisexual, for that matter?)

As I always say, Russ wouldn’t exist if John hadn’t paved the way by being Henrik’s first male love interest. Henrik would have been written as a heterosexual man ‘til the end of the show if not for John. So it was utterly disrespectful to the Johnrik relationship to pretend it never happened in favour of lumbering Henruss with silly relationship drama that could work equally well for a straight couple.

And I mean, Billie was a cute character and all, and I always have and always will love the idea of Henrik having a teenage step-daughter - I’m deeply, deeply grateful Holby somehow managed to refrain from giving Henrik his 50000th Replacement Son. If they’d involved her in the story without doing the whole pregnancy arc, I would’ve loved that (seeing her coming to grips with her dad moving on from her other dad and starting a new relationship, and what that means for her life, could’ve been interesting!). We’ve hardly ever seen him being parental with girls and young women, there was Tara and that’s it, so giving Henrik’s love interest a daughter was a refreshing move.

But if they wanted to make the storyline focus on drama from a teenage pregnancy, with Henrik’s issues with relationships and struggle to believe he can be loved as a side plot thread, they really, really should have just given Henrik a girlfriend. It would have been a perfectly fine storyline if we were talking about, idk, Rebecca instead of Russ. (You’d have to change S23E43, maybe, although even then you could’ve just generalised Henrik’s talk with Serena about coming out into one about relationships in general quite easily.) I would have been just as happy to see Henrik settle down with a nice woman as I was to see him with a nice man. If Holby weren’t ready to fully delve into Henrik’s internalised homophobia and self-loathing about his attraction to men, then they could’ve simply never gone there in the first place.

Sigh.

Rant over. I feel a lot better now I’ve gotten this off my chest, lol. (Also, if this reads like it was written at 1am, that’s because most of it was, I started drafting it up a couple days ago and then impulsively wrote basically the entire rest of the post last night, but I forgot to post it before I went to bed so, yeah, here it is now.)

[tarosin]

the great adventures of y/n tommy jack tubbo and george

requested yes/no

part 5 of the great adventures series

summary: training for the military

warning: cursing

AN: really sorry about this tumblr won’t let me change/add paragraphs so could look very weird

the journey there was quick for you, you spent the trip asleep in the back of the car whilst the others were discussing what you were all about to do “How difficult do you think it’s going to be” “dude it’s a military assault course” you woke up halfway there to the noise of the radio playing “afternoon y/n”“afternoon sorry I fell asleep I’m not used to being woken up early in the morning, I blame you guys and ranboo”“y/n have you ever wanted to join the military” “I can't say I have no” “well you’re going to love what we’re doing” “what are we doing” “you’ll see!”

you stood picking up more rocks and handing them to tubbo whilst Tommy and George began to film the introduction to the vlog “were in the jungle” confused you turned to tubbo “psst tubbo what the fuck are we doing, why are we in a woods” before tubbo had time to answer Tommy already began to answer your question telling you that you’re all training for the military, not taking him seriously you started laughing as you all were walking it was only when you were handed a jumpsuit to cover your clothes you realised it wasn’t a joke, you would be lying if you said you were ready for this, after all, you spent your free time playing Minecraft you wasn’t exactly great at sports

you managed to put the jumpsuit on pretty quickly unlike Tommy who was quite clearly struggling to get it on over his trainers “come on sergeant simons were doing a military assault course and you’re struggling to put on the clothes”after struggling to put clothes on the five of you stood together getting photos whilst you all looked decent “me and my boys in the jungle” “This isn’t going to go well” “we’re going to destroy it” “NO”

you hadn’t even reached the course yet and you were already tripping up over rocks and sticks that were on the muddy trail “we’re walking to our deaths..y/n is already falling over” “Hey I didn’t sign up to do exercise” once you finally reached the start of the course you were met with a canon, a dog and a man in a yellow jumper you stood as a team listening to what you were about to do and how you were actually a team of six, you hoped he meant the dog was a team member but no turns out the canon was the sixth member

“We have to take the canon with us” “...and take it apart into six pieces at each obstacle and rebuild it ” you handed your phone to the Russ, not trusting yourself to keep it on you especially since you were already tripping up before reaching the assault course “thank you” “good luck” “huh” you didn’t have time to process what was said as Mr military began counting down from three, the five of you ran to the first obstacle tubbo dragging the canon Tommy climbed over the net first with tubbo following after “What happens if I fall” it was as though you and tubbo had read each other’s mind as you both responded with “you’ll die” “death” you climbed over next with a wheel “reckon I can slide down the net” “that will hurt y/n don’t do- and you’re already doing it” you slid down the net despite George telling you not to do so, it didn’t take too long for the others to get over, you all began reassembling the canon “can we talk about our feelings” “I feel like shit I jumped out of a plane not long ago now I feel like I’m doing PE all over again” “Y/N JUST HELP BUILD THE CANON” “I'M TRYING ODDLY ENOUGH I'M NOT BUILT FOR THE MILITARY”once the canon was built Tommy and tubbo ran off with it “who’s going to tell them we need to test it” once Mr military shouted they ran back “why do we have to do this” “it’s the fucking rules Tommy and life is full of them” “like taxes” “tax fraud” a few seconds later the five of you yelled “bang” neither of you saying it at the same time “it didn’t work” “yes it did now come on”

you all ran towards the next obstacle, a giant wall. you all quickly dismantled the canon, Tommy went over first and began bickering with Mr military about him not being his dad whilst you tubbo and jack struggled to pass over the heaviest part of the canon “lift and lift” “really George? I thought we could just throw it over and hope he catches it” “Please don’t do that” “I am very sorry George but I'm struggling here” you continued your struggling tubbo tried to help Tommy through his words “you’re strong bossman I believe in you” “by the way, you really picked the shortest people to do this” part of the canon landed with a thud “welp hope he’s not dead” you climbed over next again carrying the wheel “he’s not dead guys don’t worry” you laughed as George took his time getting over the wall “I'm poving” “GET OVER THE WALL” you all stood questioning what time you were on completely forgetting that you were supposed to reassemble the canon “This is going to be embarrassing” “you guys could be rebuilding the canon” you could have built and tested the canon quickly however Tommy George and tubbo began telling people to subscribe whilst you built the canon with jack “we’re so good at this” “heh maybe not” you all test-fired the canon and made your way to the next obstacle

you were sent to go over the rope first, this was extremely difficult for you, the rope kept swaying as you walked causing you to lose your balance on multiple occasions “step on the V” “I’m going to fall” you made it over after a couple of minutes, like tubbo you also felt a bit ill, you assumed it was because it was quite hot and a lot was going on “how you feeling y/n” “Honestly, I’m jealous of ranboo, he’s at home living his best life and I’m in the middle of the woods overheating and climbing but no it’s pretty funny watching the others” you laughed as you overheard tubbo talking about how they’re only three obstacles in and how he’s going to die “YOU GOT THIS TUBBO!” Tommy crossed next, like you, he took his time he was then followed by tubbo who was trying to speed run walking over the rope you waited for jack and George cheering them on whilst Tommy was asking around for water and complaining about wearing a gamer hoodie. at this point, everyone seemed unmotivated “3 2 1.. bang”

“oh lovely..tires” tubbo went through first with the heaviest part of the canon “ill help you tubbo” you following behind helping him carry it due to it being stupidly heavily “so how are you tubbo” “AAAAAAAAAAA” “aye me too bud” you and tubbo decided that from now you two were going to work as a pair so it would be easier for you both, over the past few weeks tubbo became one of your closest friends the pair of you even started trending on Twitter as you did an irl stream where you both went on a walk at the beach and met several fans. whilst you and tubbo were making your way through Tommy jack and George we’re trying to figure out who should take what. “there’s piss in this one” “what the fuck?!” the pair of you finally got out from the tires “good job you two” “thank you” you rested your head on tubbos shoulder trying to get your breath back “I don’t think I’m made for the military” a few moments later Tommy made it to the tire full of water and put his finger in it “PEE” “Tommy why-” you stood looking around at the scenery, the sound of Tommy yelling about crawling away from George and that he’s ‘touched the piss’ was enough the drag you away from your own thoughts, you watched the others struggling to get through the tires and was amazed at the fact tubbo went back in to help them. you tried to ignore Tommy and George being dramatic as you tried to figure out how many more obstacles you had to go but you got distracted by George “ill just eat you if you die” “Mr military I’d like some help right about now” you walked over to Tommy and helped him get out of the tires “thanks y/n” “welcome” “how you doing bossman you know I pulled through your part...what are you doing that’s George's water” Tommy decided to throw the bottle to you so you could have a drink as he remembered you’d not had a drink since you landed from jumping out of the plane “Thanks, Tommy” “YOU BOTH DRANK GEORGES WATER” “he can drink the piss” “what Tommy said” you laughed as you walked over to where jack was in the tires “ HI JACK” “Jesus christ you scared me, hi y/n” you stood waiting for everyone to finish “I know exactly what the slowest time was” “we’re going for a new record it’s fine” “of being the slowest?” “yeah” “you know what Mr military ill clart you” “you’ll what me” “I’m gonna just go over here” you walked over to where parts of the canon were and got ready to assemble it again whilst George began throwing water over jack and tubbo to bless them then did the same to Tommy, you hid behind a tree thinking he wouldn’t notice you, however, he did and within a minute you too had water poured on you “Thanks, I was thirsty” “oh we know” “The fuck is that supposed to mean” “HELP BUILD THE CANON PLEASE” like last time you all built the canon tested it and ran to the next obstacle

“can we just you know drag the already built canon under there with us” “absolutely not” “I tried” you all disassembled it again and like last time you and tubbo went first crawling under “I don’t want to alarm you all but it is soaking wet in here” “delightful” a few moments later you were both working well “tubbo I’m scared of the dark and it’s pitch black” “you’ve got this bossman we’re almost done” you calmed down quickly until Tommy decided to jump above the pair of you

“SORRY” “TOMMY I SWEAR TO GOD” “YOU DICK” you laughed slightly and tubbo checked up on you “you okay?” “I'm fine if you’re fine” “come on let’s finish this thing” the pair of you continued and finished relatively quickly tubbo got out first “NEVER AGAIN” “Sorry about that buddy” “WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU” you helped push part of the canon out so tubbo could easily drag it out he then reached out so you could hold his hand and help pull you out “I've never been so happy to see the light” the pair of you sat on the floor waiting for the others to finish, you both made a bet on who was going to laugh first somehow you won as tubbo laughed at George and jack struggling to crawl through “YOU LAUGHED” “OH SHITTT” Russ came over to you both whilst recording so he could ask about how everything’s going “I’m covered in mud and the jumpsuit is wet, it isn’t a good day for the y/n community it was dark as hell in there “Tommy is a dick and tried to kill me and y/n” “I DIDN'T TRY TO KILL YOU BOTH” “I think he heard us” “WE ALL DID WERE NOT DEAF” “NO, BUT ACCORDING TO INSTAGRAM YOU'RE DEAD” you stared directly into the camera “sometimes it’s like I still hear jack talking to me” George and jack started complaining about how much further the is to go and how it was dirty and Tommy's response about being sorry it doesn’t fit their tory lifestyle made you burst out laughing “YOU LAUGHED” “tubbo my beloved you laughed ages ago you’ve already lost” “But we’re equal now” “no” the pair of you stood bickering to the point you didn’t realise the others had finished the obstacle and were shouting for you to test the canon “Y/N TUBBO WE NEED TO TEST THE CANON” the pair of you ran over “3 2 1 BANG”

“just going to warn you all you see that black cloud over there” “oh yay a storm is coming” you grabbed a wheel and followed behind jack across the wooden bridge “y/n he’s been splintered” “oh no poor George” “these are my gaming fingers” “no gaming for you I guess” “Stop talking about gaming dickheads” you spent a lot of time talking to George and jack whilst crossing over trying not to fall over you all even made a few plans to stream a laugh and the stream ends on jacks channel soon

you were all building the canon again whilst being informed you weren’t even halfway through and already 40 minutes in “high score” “well it’s definitely high” “Y/N??” “coming tubbo hang on my shoelace came undone” after tying your shoelace you grabbed a wheel and caught up to tubbo “if you go over tubbo ill pass it over to you and we can keep doing that” this method worked well for you both tubbo would climb over you would pass the wheel and middle part of the canon then climb over and repeat the process you heard Tommy in the background complaining about the fact he’s wearing jeans and jacks response “Yeah but I’m wearing jeans” “tubbo and y/n are almost done and you’re complaining about jeans” “jean boy pops off” “I'M WEARING JEANS AS WELL QUIT COMPLAINING” “Can we just go home and play smash bros” “Tommy this was your idea I didn’t even get on an option” “Sorry about that y/n but you get to spend time with me and gogy” “lucky me” you weren’t going to lie this was hard work and you were exhausted you felt like you could just fall asleep right where you were stood however tubbo wasn’t going to let that happen “I’m never going on an adventure with Tommy again” “me either” this of course was bullshit and you were both going on another adventure soon you stood watching your friends struggle to get over the obstacles you decided to offer your support and went to help jack and George using a similar method to that you used with tubbo “thanks y/n” “anytime” “y/n you could have helped me, tubbo pulled me over I could have been injured” “very sorry to hear that sergeant simons sucks to suck I guess” you all reassembled the canon tested it and ran to the next obstacle “I hate it here” “there’s a storm on the way” “Thanks, y/n for the input” “welcome George” you all noticed the net luckily you didn’t have to disassemble the canon this very well could be because you were running far behind and a storm was on its way. you watched as the others went through and joked about tubbo losing his shoe and Tommy getting stuck, this obstacle wasn’t made for you either as you kept getting caught on the net “I'VE BEEN CAUGHT AGAIN” jack lifted the net for you again so you could easily crawl through “thank you jack” you all then made it to the next obstacle Tommy crawled on the metal bars with you following after him whilst George used the monkey bars once you all made it across you had to walk across many metal planks used to form a bridge Tommy walked close behind you knowing you were extremely clumsy and didn't want you to fall “irl nettles” “The fuck are you on about Tommy I don’t think you’re following my advice about going outside” you all dissembled the canon as you got to the tires the only difference this time was you needed to climb over them “it’s rather windy” “there’s dirt in my eye” like before you and tubbo used the same method “look at them go” “I LIKE A DA BEE” “I'M SCARED OF BEES” “oh okay” “Why do they keep taking the plank” “I don’t know tubbo just takes it and y/n follows” you both finished rather quickly and neither of you got injured or fell “really good job you two” “thank you Mr military” you stood leaning on tubbo watching George pick up random rocks and put them into his pocket similar to what you had been doing the entire way around the course “I don’t think George or y/n have been outside before they keep picking things up like souvenirs” “Y/N GEORGE HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN THE RAIN BEFORE” both of you just stared at Tommy making him laugh you helped the others get across the tires and even helped prevent Tommy from falling a couple of times. unfortunately, you ended up twisting your ankle but tried to ignore it not wanting to ruin the vlog for anyone, not that you would have, however it was clear you were in pain as you had started limping. one at a time you all crossed the rope “This is me climbing I am climbing” you cheered everybody on and then it was your turn

unlike the others the rope kept shaking as you walked across mainly because you were scared of falling and in pain all whilst trying to rush, this was clearly your least favourite obstacle of the day “take your time y/n don’t fall” “thank you jack I'm trying my best I promise” once at the end of the rope, Tommy took the wheel off you and helped you get down and pulled you into a quick side hug “you’re doing great let’s go we’re almost done” you knew your friends wouldn’t make you continue if you really didn’t want to however you were nearly finished and was determined to finish. you all reassembled the canon and made your way to the next obstacle

“there’s no way we’re getting through that without twanging a rope” “good luck” you and tubbo made your way through the ropes trying not to hit them, this proved to be a pretty impossible task and you ended up twanging the ropes several times, this mixed with everyone else’s failure to cross without hitting the rope meant you all had to do 20 push-ups, after reassembling the canon twice as you all didn’t do it correctly the first time and testing it you all had to do the push-ups “I’m sure y/n and George only did 3” “sorry bossman”

you all were finally making your way to the last obstacle determined to finish “Big Russ can we go to McDonald's after this” “sure” the five of you cheered and ran the last obstacle quickly disassembling the canon, you led the way over the obstacle tubbo Tommy jack and George following behind you, despite tubbo losing his shoe and George going backwards the five of you quickly completed the obstacle and reassembled and tested the canon running over to the finishing line

you all finally completed it and waited for your result “45 minutes easily” “1 hour 11 minutes and 46 seconds” “no way that’s a world record” “well we tried” the five of you stood telling people to subscribe before ending the recording and making your way back to the car

the car ride back felt a lot longer than the way there. you were all exhausted

“how’s your ankle” “it’s not too bad it’ll probably hurt more tomorrow morning”

“I'm still not over Tommy trying to kill me and tubbo” “I didn’t try to kill you” “sure” the rest of the journey was chaos you all screamed along to the songs on the radio eventually you all got to McDonald's and spent the rest of the night enjoying each other’s company.

taglist

@l0ver0fj0y @c1loudee

[pochiperpe90]

Luca Marinelli: "Without growing you get lost"

When director Pietro Marcello asked him to play Martin Eden in his film in competition at Venice, Luca Marinelli was moved. "Many things have changed in recent years, maybe me as well"

From written words to moving images: «When you make a film based on a book, the book, at a certain point, tends to overlap. You no longer know what the novel is and what the screenplay is. Today I remember the end of Jack London's Martin Eden: that poignant conclusion, with him in the cabin reading that poem and deciding about his life».

Luca Marinelli, star of Pietro Marcello's Martin Eden, in competition at the next Venice International Film Festival and in theatre from September 4th with 01 Distribution, brings together memories and emotions, and gives them a precise order: everything starts from there, from the novel by the American writer.

"What was the soul of the book, which in my opinion is above any kind of discourse, political, social and idealistic; that soul, I said, was respected. Because it’s embodied in the character of Martin Eden. And then when you translate a book into a film it happens that some things take another form: it's normal in an adaptation." In the case of this film, says Marinelli, it all started from Marcello's point of view, from his vision: "Which perhaps is not like what someone else can have or like mine, because it’s a vision that belongs to the director: it’s the vision of the artist Pietro Marcello. The first scripts were certainly different, they were longer, denser, full of references to the book. The very first, if I'm not mistaken, was nearly 300 pages long. And this is because we were dealing with a masterpiece, and we didn't want to leave out anything».

Could this film be different?

“No, this film is how it was supposed to be. But with a book like this you can do anything: a 12-hours play, a film, a short film. Martin Eden is one of the best books ever written. Cinema imposes different times and measures from written narration; the balance that Pietro and Maurizio Braucci, co-screenwriter, found and the work they did were excellent, in my opinion".

Let's start with when they proposed you the role of Martin Eden.

“I remember my tears as I was watching “Bella e perduta”; I remember my emotion, and I also remember that immediately after I finished watching it I told myself that it would be nice to work with this director. It was 2015. Three years later they call me, and they tell me that Pietro Marcello wanted to meet me. Imagine my happiness. Knowing, then, that this film would be born from Jack London's book moved me even more».

What convinced you to accept?

«Martin Eden is a human being of great sensitivity, great curiosity and great empathy; he has an enormous desire to discover, to see, to touch with his hand. However, he suffers countless disappointments. He climbs a mountain only to learn, once he reaches the top, that a sad camp resides there, and that the best thing was never to get there, to the goal, but perhaps the very start. The journey".

And was it difficult to make this journey?

“It's a question that I have asked myself too, and the answer I have given myself is both yes and no. No, because being next to Pietro, Maurizio, colleagues and all the people who collaborated on the film, I found the right push and the right support to get into the character. But the difficulties, of course, are always there. What I really wanted to understand was Martin Eden. I abandoned myself to the first sensation I had while reading the book and the screenplay».

What was that feeling?

"A gigantic emotion. This character speaks directly to each of us because everyone shares something with him. Each of us wants to do, to exist. To reach a goal. Only then we come up against obstacles that make us lose hope - in part or in whole».

But when did the spark go off?

“I've always been passionate about writers like London or Stevenson. Adventurers, capable of creating worlds, of giving life to characters with their eyes open to the society around them. Entering a life like that, a life where the sea is so present, a life made of traveling, of seeing, made of pure passion, intrigued me a lot. And then there was Naples".

Compared to Jack London's book, Pietro Marcello's film is a rewrite set in the Neapolitan capital.

“I had never lived all this time in Naples; and I had never known it so much. I have not yet been able to fully understand it; not completely. Naples is a place apart. I have come to love it. Naples is a whole people. Something fantastic. It’s a place with a huge identity. A very strong identity. Think of the language: it’s not a dialect, it’s a language. And then you meet people who make you realize how beautiful it is to be Neapolitan: how welcoming it is, how fascinating it is, how deep it is. Naples, for me, was a great discovery».

Is sensitivity a condemnation?

"I don’t know. On one hand, yes, it can make you suffer more. But I wouldn't see it as a sentence. Sensitivity allows you to see the world; it leads you to respect what is around you».

But it also brings loneliness with it.

«Martin Eden distances himself from everything and from himself: he can no longer be in contact with anything or anyone, he is disappointed».

In this film, the clash between the class of intellectuals and the so-called people also finds space.

"I think that the true intellectual, like Pasolini was, manages to put himself on the same level as the society, to look at it in the eye, to speak to the common man without being opinionated, just showing what is there: what is happening".

At one point, you find yourself sharing the scene with Carlo Cecchi, who plays Russ Brissenden.

«I was very excited because I found my teacher. And it was great to be with him there, on the set, more than six years after we had last acted together."

You said you got excited

“Because in the film he plays Martin Eden's mentor, and Carlo was a mentor to me too. It was a real gift”.

How many things have changed over the years?

"Many."

And you? Have you changed as an actor?

“I don't know, I swear. But maybe I was better before (laughs)».

What do you mean?

"I started with the theater, where there is no safety net, there is no" stop, let's do it again!" and there is no possibility to stop, start over, rethink. I miss that courage».

Is theater a torment or an obsession?

"It’s never a torment or an obsession. Sometimes at night, however, I dream of going on stage and not remembering anything anymore».

Perhaps it’s today's cinema that tends to be not very brave.

«In my opinion it’s experiencing a new period. And it’s not a coincidence that Marcello's Martin Eden arrives right now, in this moment. Surely we could give a voice to many more people. Even that, if you like, is a question of courage».

Martin Eden also speaks of talent and perseverance. What is more important, in your opinion?

“They go hand in hand. Talent is the first thing you see. It’s the primordial spark. But you can't just rely on that. You have to be curious, eat life, live it to the fullest, intensely and consciously. But to live it, one must also commit oneself: and one must be prepared».

You need to read.

«For me a book is always a victory. Because you have been elsewhere and have lived a story that is different from yours."

What kind of reader are you?

“I wouldn't call myself an avid reader: but the more I grow, the older I get, the older I get and the more I read. Because I am more and more aware of how beautiful it is».

Reading isn’t just a hobby.

"Thoreau says: "As if you could kill time without injuring eternity". It’s important not to waste time; but it’s important to do it without causing anguish or fear. You have to be there, stay there, live in the moment. But without exaggerating».

When you were younger - when you were a child - what were you like?

“I've always been surrounded by curious people. Even my friends, the ones I had as a child and the ones I still have now, are curious. We liked to move, to go around, to be together; we lived the street. We also enjoyed listening to music, reading comics and books, and watching movies."

And curiosity soon turned into fascination.

“Acting has always fascinated me. And only at a certain point did I manage to find the right courage to try. And I don't know why: I really don't know. In the Academy this phrase was always repeated: “play seriously”. And maybe was this that interested me; or not".

We talked about teachers. Who were they to you?

«People like Carlo Cecchi or Anna Marchesini. They were moments, very important meetings».

How did you come in contact with Marchesini?

"We studied with her for three months at the Academy, and it was wonderful because for the first time I wrote something of my own. Each of us, each of the students, had to write something about himself, starting from his identity card - this was the initial task. And it was, believe me, very difficult».

What impressed you about her?

"The energy, the dedication, the beauty. I remember the moments with her, the wonderful phrases she said. What has always fascinated me to see was the passion she put into it».

Other teachers?

"My grandfather. I always liked the job he did: he was a carpenter. In the academy they told us many times: "you have to be a craftsmen". And I was always thinking of him».

What, in the end, do you have left of Martin Eden?

«The sense of collectivity. Passion. The importance of looking around. To always look at others and at themselves. The adventure of life, and the wonder it represents. What deeply tears Martin Eden apart is betraying himself and being disappointed in his own dreams. We can fight against this only if we are faithful to ourselves, to our beliefs, to our places of origin. And then, you know, all the rest remains: remains all that world».

VANITY FAIR

Just wanted to translate this old interview for the non-italian’s fans ^^ (sorry for my English)

[karliesbuzzcut]

A Grande Interlude

Intro | part1 | part2 | part3 | part4

Funnily enough, this chapter begins exactly the same way as the last one: Russell is sad about Girl A and moves onto Girl B in order to make a point. He also wants Girl B to produce his music.

Writing songs for women (hoping they’ll touch his pee-pee and make him famous) is classic Russ behaviour. I’m only covering two cases, but he also tried it with Kylie Jenner (‘Win a Date with Kylie Jenner’) and Katy Perry (‘You Won’t Ever Have To Write Another Sad Song’). There’s also a generic song for the Instagram flavour of the week, perfectly titled ‘Right Here, Right Here (You Deserve a Better Life’).

This time, Ariana Grande drew the short straw.

Russ purchased a ticket to one of her concerts in Salt Lake City, as well as a meet&greet pass. Where is he getting all this money? I have no idea — some questions are better left unanswered. Either way, by going through his Quora profile, you can tell some primo wooing was about to take place.

The best part is that, when Russ says “a letter”, he means an entire notebook and one of his songs. 

So he goes to the concert and seems to have the time of his life. He gets a picture with Ariana, which is pretty cool, I guess. And he seems to be genuinely happy, as seen here:

*lets take a second to appreciate the bitter shade thrown at Tay. 

...but there’s something secretly bothering him 👀

By now you’re familiar with Russell’s tactics. He’s that guy on tinder who, if you take more than 10 minutes to answer, will tell you that you’re an ugly slut anyway.

Pst! “Her manager isn’t a nice guy either” 👀 I think we can actually agree on that one, Russ!

Let’s ignore Russ’ violent tendencies and casual racism for a moment. We don’t want to get depressed here. Instead, I think we should take a closer look at Ariana’s face. You know, the face of a medieval executioner or whatever:

🙂

Where’s the black hood and enormous french sword? What the fuck kind of beheading is this, Russell?

But, with this picture as his profile pic, he goes on to rant about how she hugged a random fan and not him. Purposefully ignoring that this “random fan” was a teenager and not a nearly 30 YEAR OLD MAN IN A SUIT, WHO BROUGHT HER FLOWERS EVEN THOUGH THERE WAS A STRICT “NO GIFTS” POLICY. Sit down, Russ.

While that whole post is absolute gold, my favourite part is when he said he isn’t going to sue Ariana, and moments later *spoiler alert* he sues Ariana. I guess he realised that it’s healthier to just be honest with oneself and admit that “yes, I am a shitbag willing to try anything to get a pretty girl to acknowledge my existence.”

As you might’ve expected, it was another small claims court. In Utah. It’s beautiful in a way, I think. Poetic💫.

You might be wondering what he means with “she only felt sorry yesterday because people got hurt”. Well... you’ll be clenching your cute butt at this.

He thought it would be a great idea to post this right after the Manchester Arena bombing. Yes, the one that happened at an Ariana’s concert.

Yep.

His “friends” on Facebook weren’t crazy about that decision either. Which of course made Russ even angrier:

didn’t compliment my suit

didn’t compliment my suit

didn’t compliment my suit

... people died, but she didn’t compliment his suit. I want an Uber to drive me into the fucking sun.

However!! Ultimately, Ariana saw this post and called Russ to apologise.

lol jk

Of course she didn’t: she hired a lawyer. Or someone on her team did. Ariana hasn’t given this man a second thought since she met him.

This lawyer, by the way, is the same one who defended Taylor Swift. Isn’t that marvellous? I imagine him very sexy, I don’t know why. I think I’ve seen a picture of him, and I know that I could easily look him up, but I don’t want to. I’m very attracted to the image I’ve built up in my mind. SHUT UP LET ME HAVE THIS.

Before we get into this trial, please let me tell you this cool thing: so I’m getting most of my information from Kiwi Farms, right? Russell’s thread has, at time of writing, 2600+ pages. Russell is to that community what TTB&co is to us. So obviously, the day of the trial was their Christmas Day. And someone from Utah actually said “I have the day off today, screw it, I deserve a treat” and went to witness the spectacle in person. And wrote it all down. An actual angel from heaven I’m telling you.

That’s the kind of community I hope we develop around here. I want to imagine that if TTB gets sued by Josh or whatever, whoever is closest will travel to the trial and take pictures. Or you know what? Fuck it, we will all travel and make a fan convention of it. We can compliment each other’s suits!

Anyway, back to the topic on hand. You can read the transcript but I’ll give you the tl;dr:

First of all, Russell is late. The judge and Sexy Lawyer both assume he isn’t showing up, and the judge even decides to dismiss the case. But then Russ shows up. He wrote the time wrong on his calendar, and he even tries to show the judge his phone to prove it.

The trial was a mess — a short mess, though. The judge makes such a nice effort to explain the law to Russ. Then he gives him an almost fatherly talk about how you can’t just post whatever toxic shit you like on Social Media. And I absolutely loved it, because this adorable boomer was trying really hard to connect with ~the youth~. My favourite part is the judge trying to describe emojis:

“How do you explain: seven days later, happy happy, emoticon people, what are those, teddy bears? I don’t know. Things.”

That’s me trying to speak The TikTok with the kidz.

... turns out dear Russ had posted on Facebook that “there will be blood!” at the trial. And also that he would kick Sexy Lawyer’s ass 🤷‍♀️. For all of this, Russell apologises — but also he says this:

“I wasn’t associating it with any threat whatsoever. I was saying something stupid. I was being troll-y. I have over 1000 followers on Facebook.”

*none of the screenshots are mine

[alcalavicci]

(Disclaimer: if you wrote this and don’t want it up, send me an ask and I’ll take it down)

Jill and Claire:

Jill: You mentioned that Dean directed a play called "Man With Bags" at the Pilot Theater in Hollywood in 1979. I find this information invaluable. I'm going to make sure it is in our Database here on the Sassies list. If you have any other info about obscure stuff Dean has worked on, please let me know. I mean it. I don't care if no one else is taking notes. I am.

Claire: I have the playbill from "Man With Bags." Russ Tamblyn starred, along with Sally Kirkland. I will photocopy for you. If you don't mind I'll have to send via regular mail, as my scanner doesn't work. I also have a playbill from a show he did in Albuquerque. This probably was early '70s sometime. I can't remember the name of it, but I wrote to the photographer at the theater and he sent me a bunch of photos and stuff. This stuff is packed away. I will look for it tomorrow when I get time. After I get it out, I can give you more information and you can tell me what you'd like to see.

Jill: Re: George Herms, you said "I knew he was a close friend of Dean's....." Yes, he was, but how did you know that? Dean wasn't exactly talked about much in the press between 1970 and 1979. Was he being discussed in Art magazines? And were you subscribing to these magazines? George Herms is the one who painted those symbols on Dean's torso for Dunwich Horror. But I bet you already knew that. Okay, I threw that out there for others who might not know.

Claire: Regarding Mr. Herms. Remember all those old movie magazines they used to have in the '60s and '70s. I believe one was called "Photoplay," and there were some others whose names I've forgotten. Well, they used to have pen pal pages in them. One time, they listed a girl who said she was the ultimate Dean fan. Her name was Geordie James. I wrote to her. She had already made contact with Dean, and believe it or not, he was working on his autobiography at that time. He sent it to her to see what she thought about it (I kid you not). She told me she was going to start a fan club for him and asked me if I wanted to be the secretary. I said, yes, and she promptly sent me the autobiography to type--for him!! It was in this biography that so much was mentioned. "Moonstone" is the film Dean directed with George Herms as his star. It's a film about George's art. And you got me, I didn't know George had painted those symbols on him in "Dunwich." Too cool. Back to the autobiography. I typed it up and was so excited. I sent it back to Geordie without making a copy. Something I came later to regret, of course, since he apparently didn't have it published, but I retained much of what was discussed in it in my head. That's how I already knew about George Herms. Geordie James later had a house fire (she lived in Utica, NY). After that, I never was able to get back into contact with her. I never told Dean I had typed his autobiography either. For some reason, I didn't want to come off (at that time) like Miss Ultimate Fan. It was a stupid "coolness" thing.

Jill: What is 'Moonstone?' Is it a short film? An art object? And why did Herms need Dean in order to show it?

Claire: As I said above, "Moonstone" was directed by Dean, starring George Herms. As I wasn't real artsy at the time when I saw it at George's retrospective, I don't remember a whole lot about it. I just remember it revolved around a gem called a moonstone. It was definitely a short film. Real art house stuff.

Jill: You mentioned that Dean walked in with Joy. I thought she didn't come to Hollywood to see him until 1981? You mentioned that he had just started dating her at the time (so this means he finally dumped Toni Basil by 1979?). And.................Big question here........how did you know it was Joy? Did he introduce you to her? I mean, how did you know At That Time that it was Joy Marchenko, and that they had just started dating? Or is this something other people told you later on?

Claire: Now you got me. I'm not really sure that it was Joy. Later when I saw Joy's picture (after they got married), I jumped to the conclusion that that was the girl he was with at the museum because she looked very much like her. But you're telling me the dates don't jibe, so I'm probably wrong.

Jill: Did you recognize Russ Tamblyn right off? Did you already know that Russ and Dean were friends? And how did you know that? Did you already know Russ' wife's name, or did you find that out later? Is this the wife Russ separated from, right about that same time, and then he and Dean became roommates? And where did that leave Joy? Come to think of it, are you positive that was Joy that Dean was with? And are you positive that was Elizabeth with Russ?

Claire: Right, I already knew he and Russ were friends. Russ also was the star of "Man With Bags," which I had just seen two weeks earlier. I knew Elizabeth's name from reading a "Photoplay" article about Russ. She also was at the play. They could have been separated for all I know, and he was just still taking her to things. I also saw Elizabeth around 1980 at Toni Basil's show at the Fox Venice. She was not with Russ at the time; she was with her mother. I know it was her mother because I was in the restroom at the same time they were and she called her mom or mum. I also did not see Dean at Toni's show.

Jill: Another good tidbit here....."about 5 years later, when he was appearing in a dinner theater production of "Relatively Speaking." Another item for my database. So you're thinking it was about 1984? When Dean was still living in Santa Fe? And where was this dinner theater production at? I'm thinking Los Angeles, since you were living in California. Unless this was one of those dinner theater appearances he did in Las Vegas?

Claire: The dinner theater production was in San Clemente, Calif. I have the autographed playbill. I will dig out tomorrow. It had to be before he moved to Santa Fe, so I'm wrong on dates. I can get more specific when I find the playbill. Sorry I was generalizing so much on dates. I know how important it is when you're trying to keep a database.

Jill: When you saw Dean at the restaurant.........how did you know he was with his manager? Did he introduce you? Or did you assume it? Or did you know his manager?

Claire: I assumed there, too. He seemed like a manager-type person. The person was very business-like. They appeared to be discussing business before I walked up to the table. It could have been the manager of the dinner theater. 

Jill: How did you know Dennis Hopper had dubbed him "Rainbow Razorbrain?" Where did you read that? Or did someone tell you?

Claire: Can't remember where I read it, but I know it was an article I read in a movie magazine before I moved to Calif. I believe it was around the time Dennis' "The Last Movie" was released and there were some articles on them at this time. Later Dennis talks about Dean in Roddy McDowell's photo book (can't remember the title). I'm thinking he mentions calling Dean "Rainbow Razorbrain" in Roddy's book.

Claire: Okay, I've gotten the questions out of sequence, let's go back. Regarding "Man With Bags." I found all the other playbills, but this one. I will keep looking for it, because it's special since Dean directed it. Also, now that I think back, Sally Kirkland was the stage manager of the play. Russ was the only "star" I knew who was in it. There was another girl, I believe her name was Kristen Larkin, who played the lead. And Patty ?? (forgot her last name, but she was one of the sisters in "The Beguiled" with Clint Eastwood. Hope that helps until I locate the playbill. Regarding the Sally Kirkland story, I had only heard that she lost her balance during the earthquake scene and hurt her back as a result. The "Dennis stabbing her" scenario is just a little freaky, but what's new. 

Jill: For some reason, I was being cross-referenced to the film "The Beguiled" just the other day, and I think it had something to do with Dean or a co-star of Dean's. Isn't that weird? I'll have to go over to IMdB.com and try and figure out what I was looking for.

Claire: I think that was awfully synchronistic you were cross-referenced to "The Beguiled," and then I mentioned it. Uh-oh, I think I hear the "Twilight Zone" theme.

Jill: The story of Sally Kirkland and her lawsuit is in the Archives, I'm sure, and I'll see if I can dig it up.

Claire: Thanks, that will be interesting to read.

Jill: I'm not sure where Joy Marchenko came from, but I know she was a ‘Textile Designer in Morocco.' I think that's from the People Magazine interview. And that's about that, unless you know anything else?

Claire: I don't really know anything about her either. I read somewhere that they had to move from Santa Fe because of her asthma. That's too bad, 'cause that's pretty country.

Jill: You mentioned that you didn't know Dean and Joy were divorced until 2000. Well, you're already ahead of most of Dean's fans. I didn't become a fan until late 2000, and by early 2001 I was on the Internet, asking 'Where's Dean's wife, anyway?' Nobody seemed to know that they were divorced at that time. A member here, also named Joy, met Dean in Reno in Nov. 2001, and he said to her "Oh, you had to pick my ex-wife's name!" So, that was our first 'official' confirmation. But, like with just about everything else related to Dean, it wasn't written in stone. But things began to emerge. First, a member joined from France who happened to have a magazine interview from 1996 where Dean talks about separating from his wife. And, there is a lady who published a biography of Dean this year (you can buy it over the Internet - but pretty much everything in it you can find in our magazine articles here on the Sassies list - and she completely glosses over anything 'beatnik' or 'hippie' about Dean - there will be absolutely no mention of Toni Basil or George Herms in her book). Anyway, this lady briefly joined the Sassies list, and she had no idea that Dean & Joy were divorced, and pretty much denied it, by saying "Why wasn't it in the papers?" And I replied, "Why didn't any of Dean's fans know that his mother died in 1993?" (Another fact she forgot to put in her book). And then she unsubscribed. And then another (former) member on the Sassies confronted me with the fact that I have no proof that Dean and Joy were ever divorced (which I don't), and insisted that they're probably still living together, or are just separated. I'm getting pretty used to people calling me on things, and just take the facts as they are presented to me, and do with them what I can. So far, my hunches about things have been more right than wrong. 

Claire: I read a small piece on them being divorced somewhere around 2000. It shocked me pretty good. I can't imagine someone writing a bio on Dean and not mentioning the Beat/Hippie connection. This still is like the heartbeat of Dean (snap, snap).

Jill: You mentioned Toni Basil was backed by Devo in her show (and I would have loved to have seen this show! Sounds wild!). She was dating their bass player at the time. She was the one who gave Dean a tape of Devo to listen to, and then Dean gave it to Neil Young. Hmmmm............which came first.......Dean leaving Toni for Joy, or Toni leaving Dean for the bass player? LOL!

Claire:  Or Toni leaving Dean because of her enormous crush on David Bowie. That would have driven me bonkers!

Jill: Oh, and I have no proof that Toni and Dean were ever married, other than those two mentions. What do you think? My first hunch is to say No - that people (such as the musician that was quoted on the Internet) simply assumed they were married. Sort of a 'common-law' marriage, if you will. It's yet another mystery of Dean.

Claire: I kinda think they weren't married. Toni always reminded me of, how do I put this, if Dean had been a woman, he would have been Toni and if Toni would have been a man, she would have been Dean. I think they were too similar for their own good.

Claire: Regarding Dean's mentioning George, Millie, Dennis, Wallace, etc. They were mentioned only in context [in his autobiography] with the chronology of his life. There were no asides, unfortunately. Dean was still Dean back then, very secretive and protective about personal events and people in his life. He mentioned that he had married Millie and divorced. I believe he mentioned "Breakaway" and his collaboration with Toni and Bruce, but only in that context. He detailed Wallace's influence on him, and talked about directing "Moonstone," which I now know he began filming in 1963 with George. I have George's chronology of events from the book "The Prometheus Archives--A Retrospective Exhibition of the Works of George Herms," which I purchased at the show. The dates on my copy say the exhibit showed from June 2-July 22, 1979 at the Newport Harbor Art Museum. I will send the chronology to you.

[our-jensen-ackles-love]

Flashes; Chapter Twenty-Seven

Summary: Playboy Jensen Ackles is hurting his television show’s image. Every time he promised to get his act together, it’d last for about a week before pictures emerge of him half-drunk with some broad on his arm. Fed up and desperate, his agent decides their only hope to save some face is to write up a contract with a nobody girl who could use the money while getting to play the role of Jensen’s girlfriend.

It was only for a year and it was only for the photos.  But feelings don’t always follow the rules, do they?

Author: @our-jensen-ackles-love

Pairing: Jensen x Reader

Word Count: 2267

Warnings: allllll the fluff.

A/N: The italics are a flashback.

CATCH UP KEEP ME UP WITH KO-FI FEEDBACK

Chapter Twenty-Seven

Jensen

One month later.

Thankfully, one of the many perks of being somewhat of a celebrity was being able to afford a really good lawyer. Like the kind you see in television shows threatening to rip the plaintiff a new asshole. And with an ass-ripping good lawyer came the sped up process of trying to gain custody of my daughter.

Some days were easier than others to wrap my head around the fact that I was a father. Other days I wanted to bang my head against the wall and take it all back. It couldn’t believe that out of all the women I had been with over the years – the one I wanted absolutely nothing to do with happened to fall pregnant.

Trying to be as civil as possible for the sake of my relationship and for my daughter, Danneel had suggested the idea of joint custody. After weighing the pros and cons with Y/N, we agreed that it would be the more ideal situation for all of us.

“My client would like to have a fifty-fifty custody agreement,” the young man stated from across the table; his baby face shining in the bright light of the office. “But she will still be seeking out child support.”

“There is no need for child support,” I stated, keeping my eyes straight and avoiding glancing in the direction that I knew Dee was sitting in, most likely with her coy little smirk. “I am willing to cover all expenses retaining to Justice Jay.”

“All expenses?” Danneel’s shrill voice washed over me. “You are willing to pay for all of her expenses.”

Nodding, I made sure to say my next sentence slowly. “Yes, but with conditions.”

“What kind of conditions?”

Unfolding the paper that I had prepared several days ago, with the help of my lawyer, I slid it across the table so that the pair of them could review it while I explained vaguely what I meant. “Meaning I will cover things like the essentials; school expenses, doctors’ appointments and the transportation that will get her to and from my house.”

The young looking lawyer shifted in his seat, sliding the paper closer to Dee. “And what about the child support needed during pregnancy and the last three years of Justice’s life?”

“For that I am more than willing to go to public court, but after consulting with Gerald,” I answered, slowly nodding in the direction of the older man sitting next to me. “We have decided that there is no reason for me to pay for those things because I was unaware of the child to begin with.”

“But - ”

I raised a single finger towards the rag-tag pair across from me. “If you look at the birth certificate, you will see that I am not listed as the father.”

“The DNA test proves otherwise.”

Not being able to stop my smile, I made sure to direct my tone and attention towards Danneel. “I have a witness who is willing to show proof that the pregnancy was assumed to have not carried past nine weeks.”

There was a scoff from her. “Gen would never do that.”

“Really? You really think that you are that good of a friend?” I was almost laughing at her enraged expression, but decided to keep my composure. “Tell me, when was the last time that you called her asking for something that wasn’t going to benefit you.”

Just like I had expected, she remained gravely quiet.

“Now, if we could please continue, I have a date tonight that I really can’t miss.”

--

After another two hours of back and forth, working out all the kinks of the agreement, I was finally free for the evening. We agreed to have our lawyers meet up once more to make sure there wasn’t anything else to add on, but for the first time in Danneel’s life – she was making something easy.

As much as I was enjoying my victory now, I knew that it would most likely be short lived.

It probably helped that Gerald was terrifying in court, but I were trying to keep my business down low for the time being. So, going through a mediator seemed to be the more tame choice for the moment.

Barely stepping through the glass doors and into the suffocating humid heat that Austin always brought year round, I let out a somewhat relieved sigh. The first steps of getting JJ were happening, despite the circumstances.

“Hey!” A voice sang out, interrupting my thoughts.

I turned around to see Y/N walking towards me with two to-go cups in her hands, wearing that little sundress I loved on her so much. She was lucky we were in public right now because I really needed a way to relieve some stress. “Hey there beautiful.”

Her cheeks flushed like they always did at her pet name before she handed me one of the cups. “I brought you some coffee,” she tucked a piece of hair behind her ear. “I figured you might need it after all that.”

“All I really need is you.”

Another deeper blush took over causing her cheeks to redden. She took a slow sip of her cup before I followed her action. “So, how was it?”

Swallowing the warm, semi-bitter liquid, I thought about what had just went down several feet above where we were standing. “It went.. well.”

“Well?”

“Yeah,” I paused to take another sip before reaching for Y/N’s hand and pulling her towards the open fountain in front of the tall city building. “I mean, I think because I offered to basically pay for the big things, Dee is actually okay with this agreement.”

Y/N nodded her head as she thought it over. She sat herself along the edge of the fountain, her ankles crossing while she brought her cup back to her lips. “I still think you should have filed for full custody.”

I gave a shrug, still standing above her frame. “As much as I would love that, I can’t do that to JJ just yet. Dee is all she knows, right now.”

“When did you gain a soul, Ackles?”

A laugh escaped me as I looked over at the look of awe on her face. “I don’t think you need to hear that answer.”

“Oh, no.” Her eyebrow quirked as she looked up at me expectantly; causing my thoughts to wander to a not very appreciate place. “Now I have to know.”

I didn’t answer, instead I took several slow sips of my drink, savoring the bitterness of my black coffee. I watched as Y/N shifted in her spot once she realized my eyes were on her, thinking back to that night when I saw her across the bar.

--

“I can’t believe you brought me to this dive,” I groaned, eyeing the hole in the wall once more while sipping on my luke-warm beer.

Russ rolled his eyes while stuffing another shot of something clear into my free hand. “Dude, just let it go. I’m sorry I don’t have the money do get us into that new club opening up downtown, but I promise this place has just as good drinks.”

“You know, I would have paid for us to get in. Possibly even bottle service.”

Instead of answering, Russ just tilted his small glass towards me before tossing it back and turning his attention to some of his work buddies. It had been by chance that we ran into each other while I was in the city, but I had made the mistake of telling him we should hang out sometime.

I just didn’t know that ‘sometime’ would be two hours later.

Tuning out the group’s work talk, I started scoping out the place. There were a handful of women there, but only three of them looked to be alone. A leggy blonde was sitting towards the back of the bar, that look of loneliness evident as she traced what appeared to be an empty ring finger. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to deal with the emotions that always followed a hook-up after a fresh divorce. Another woman with hot pink hair seemed to be drunkenly throwing herself at the group of guys hanging around the only pool table in the place, so that most likely was no-go for me – she probably had already slept with half the people around her by the way they were just shrugging her off. No one liked a town bike and I was nowhere near drunk enough to even entertain that idea.

Then there was the girl at the bar, who despite being all alone wore a tilted smile of confidence.

The bartender appeared to tell her something she clearly wasn’t fond of as she made a bit of a face, her nose wrinkling up in the cutest way possible when he placed a large glass of water in front of her. I watched as she took the smallest sip before turning herself around to look at her surroundings – possibly for the first time all night by the looks of it.

It got me wondering just how long she had been parked in that seat.

Then she stood up, almost tripping over her heels, showing off that figure in a little black dress and it got me thinking about how long she had been there without someone trying to make a move on her.

“Hey,” I nudged Russ, to which he turned himself towards me with only an ear. “I’m going to step over to where the music is playing. Maybe see if I can get this place moving a little bit.”

If he answered me, I wasn’t aware because I had my sights zeroed in on the woman before me who looked to be deep in thought about her choice of music. I watched as she appeared to finally look content on whatever she had clicked on.

Once I heard that steady bumping of the bass vibrating through the speakers – I knew I had to find a way to get her home with me.

“White Stripes fan?” I asked.

She jumped in her place, before turning around slowly to look at me. It must have been a full minute before she spoke again as she looked me over, making me think that she must have recognized me. In reality, usually when women figured out who I was, they were more than willing to follow the trail back to my place.

A small, flirty grin graced those lips of hers. “Can’t go wrong with a classic, right?”

The fact that she even knew that Seven Nation Army was a classic might have made my heart skip a beat, but instead a laugh escaped me. “You could not be more right.”

I watched as her eyes fluttered from where I was before her to where Russ’s little group was standing, closer to the door of the joint. When her attention turned back towards me, a look of caution was present. “Did your friends send you over here to put on something better?”

Glancing over to where the guys appeared to have barely noticed I had left, I shook my head. “Do you want me to be honest?”

“Only thing I’ve ever wanted in life,” she answered, that tilted grin from earlier back on her face. Something about it made my insides feel warm, but I chalked it up more than likely it was just the liqueur and beer mixing in my stomach.

“I made a bet with them,” I lied, keeping my head up high. “I said I could leave with the most attractive girl here tonight.”

A small blush bloomed across her cheeks. “Any luck finding her?”

Was this girl serious? Did she not know what she looked like tonight? I stole a glance around the bar for added effect before focusing back on her. “Have you taken a look around here? You are by far the most gorgeous woman here.”

Her chin jutted in the direction of the loud group of women I had chosen to ignore earlier. It was obvious they were there to partake in bachelorette activities, like getting so drunk the bride to-be doesn’t even remember the name of the man she is supposed to marry in the morning. “You have a whole crowd of them over there.”

I couldn’t help the face that I made at her comment. “Now why would I want to take advantage of a drunk woman trying to live it up on her last night of freedom?”

“Who says I’m not drunk?”

I grinned at her, loving the challenge. “Prove me wrong when we get out of here.”

She took one last look around the place, almost like she was trying to weigh out her option. I was feeling pretty good about myself up until the moment right now when she was hesitating. The way she was chewing on that bottom lip was starting to make my slacks a little bit tighter. “Lead the way.”

Little did I know that my little dare would lead to just what I needed.

--

“Are you ever going to answer me?”

“Yes,” I chuckled, downing the last drops of coffee before tossing it in the recycle bin behind me.

“Anytime soon?”

Reaching down, I laced my fingers with hers. “How about we head back to Momma’s and I can explain it to you there?”

Her brow furrowed. “You can’t just tell me now?”

“Maybe I want it to be a surprise.”

--

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[classicallyelegant]

OK, so I have no ‘regular’ sleep schedule! lol I woke up and I couldn’t go back to sleep, so here I am. One odd lil duck, huh? Oh well! I’m sorry but that’s me in a nutshell! I hope this will make it worthwhile!

AMAZING MAN

I know that Rod is not Matt, but they are both amazing, wonderful men on their own. I look and Rod is soundly sleeping next to me. My heart feels like it’s about to beat out of my chest! His arm over me, his head right close to mine…..did we really? Oh my! I blush at the thought! I pick his arm up and creep my way to the bathroom. He stays asleep. WOW! I can’t believe he’s real sometimes! I know he is but it’s just this feeling takes over and I’m simply speechless. He wants so much to show me that I matter to him! I never thought such would be possible but he goes above and beyond! Once, I’ve straightened myself up, I creep back to bed. I don’t want to disturb him in any way. He looks so peaceful! I seem to go right back to sleep because when I wake up, it’s his alarm.

“Good morning, my sweet, beautiful angel that I adore more than anything!”  He whispers in my ear. I smile but don’t say anything, only put my hand on top of his. He rolls over to get up but I just stay put. I feel him leave, but he’s soon back. “C’mon now, darling, you know the drill. We don’t want all that hard work last night to go to waste, now do we?” He sits behind me trying to get me up. I don’t like this part of the morning!

“How about the classic ‘Five more minutes’?”

He laughs. “You had your five minutes when I went to the bathroom. Don’t you want to go give everyone a thrill with your presence?”

“Who could be that desperate to want to see me?’

“Oh I don’t know, I suppose anyone with eyes!”

“Hardy-har-har!” I’m laughing too though. >sigh< “OK, you win! Just know you’re not at the top of my favorite list though…..least not at this moment!” I touch his face before I go to the bathroom myself. I come out and he has the table set and a quick toast and egg for each of us. How thoughtful! I get orange juice for us and we sit together to eat. I reach over and kiss the side of his face, “OK, I guess you made it back to at least number two!”

He laughs. “Only number two?”

“Well, you still made me get up so yes…that’s still pretty high! I’m sure you can find a way to recover your top spot somehow!”

“I’ll think of something, my beauty!” We both laugh!

“Knock, knock! So, the lil turtle doves are up and at ‘em! Isn’t that something?!” Matt says but Russ is right behind him.

“Brought you two some biscuits and bacon to share on the ride.” Russ holds up a bag and Rod takes it over Matt’s shoulder.

Matt comes to stand in front of me. “Does this mean you’re ready to face your doom as I win our argument?” That gleam in his eye says he knows better!

“Who says I lose? I’m sorry but you may be celebrating just a little too early and it could be dangerous for a guy like you!”

“Don’t we sound confident here?”

“Not at all, but I will not lose so easily! You don’t seem to remember who you’re talking to my dear! I do NOT go down without a fight!” I stand up in front of him. He hugs me and even though Russ and Rod are mere inches away, no one exists for me but him. We smile at each other when he lets go of me.

“Guess we better get a move on then.” Rod says as he hands me my biscuit.

I take a bite and say, “Oh wow! Canadian bacon! Russ, I hope Matt appreciates the treasure you are!” I hug him and feel him smile as he brings me closer to him.

“Of course I do!” Matt comes in behind me. I feel him kiss Russ above my head. These two!

“Well, hey, don’t leave me out!” Rod comes into us too! I have to admit, we all love and adore Russ for his food, but he’s so much more than that. He is gentle, wise, patient, bright, happy……the list goes on and on! I’m so grateful to be able to call this beautiful soul my friend!

“Alright now! My heart is full to be surrounded by so many loving faces but you all need to get going and I’m off to market for our party! I love all of you so much though!” He smiles and cups my face in his hand. I love you too, my dear! We all walk a little way together, but Russ leaves us just before we get to the bus stop.

“We should hopefully have an easier day today.” Matt puts his arm on my shoulder.

“I hope so!”

“Not me! I’ve got to try to get through several scenes if I don’t want one of those ‘visits’. This craziness is almost over though! That’s what I keep telling myself!” Rod says so I hug him. He just seems to work endlessly! Rod and I hold hands as we walk in with Matt in front of us. He kisses me and waves to go on his way to his booth while Matt and I go in the other direction.

“Now, you’re all mine again! Seems there’s always some distraction to come between us.” Matt puts his arm over me again.

“I belong close to you, you know that! I told you, I won’t let you get away from me completely!” I snuggle closer to him. His smile again! How I could so get lost in this man!

“Well now, isn’t this a sight to see?” We look to the doorway and see a girl we don’t recognize.

“Excuse me?” Matt says, but his arm tightens around me.

“Oh don’t worry, Matt, I won’t hurt either of you….matter of fact, I’m a fan. I’ve only seen pictures of you two online, but I see in person is quite a different thing! My you make quite the striking couple! Too bad you’re not!”

“OK, so you have the advantage on us here, who are you exactly?”

“It doesn’t matter as I’m not here for you. I came to find your new guy, Alejandro. Yeah, I’ve read about him and I want to meet him. No biggie!”

“I’m sorry but we’re not receiving guests at the moment and being that he is new, he is rather off-limits.”

“NO, he’s not either! From what I’ve read, he’s young, handsome, and available. All I want is to see him in person.”

“See him in person?” I question. “Does he owe you something?”

“No, I only want to see him.” She looks back to me now since she’s been watching Matt. “Maxey, you are awfully pretty, but I don’t think even you can stop me from finding Alejandro.”

“I wasn’t going to stop you, but I was wondering why you’re so fixed on him.”

“I wouldn’t say that. If I had to choose, Dustin is more my favorite. I only want to see Alejandro. Nothing more.”

“Dustin is your speed? Then why Alejandro….they are nothing alike!” Matt says.

“Hey guys! I brought snacks again!” Alejandro comes up behind us.

“There you are! I finally get to see you, Alejandro!” You can see the excitement on her face.

“You are?” He is puzzled. She runs past me and grabs his hand.

“FINALLY! I’ve been hoping to see you!” His face drains.

“Rose? Is that you? What in the world are you doing here?”

“Yes, you remembered me! Oh you don’t know what that does to my heart that you remembered me!” She keeps trying to get closer and closer but he keeps backing up. “I haven’t stopped thinking about you, Alejandro and when I read you worked here, I knew I had to see you!”

“I told you to leave me alone! I’m not interested in you, Rose. Now you need to leave and forget about me.”

“Even if I leave, I’ll never forget you. Alejandro. I’ve waited for our reunion for so long!”

“Reunion? Are you nuts? No, this is not any type of reunion. You’ve gotta go, NOW!” He stops backing up and looks her right in the eye. “I want you gone!” He takes his hand away from her and tries to walk away but she blocks him.

“Oh no! You don’t get off so easily!” She pulls out a knife against him and pins him to the wall. “You toy with my affection and walk away like I don’t matter? I don’t think so! All I want is to talk to you, but I will not hesitate to use this.” Matt and I look at each other and we make a silent agreement, we have to get Alejandro out of this! Alejandro dropped his bag in the scuffle to the wall, so I take the bag and come toward him.

“Alejandro, we didn’t know you had a fan and now you’ve dropped your bag. How many secrets have you kept from us?” I’m trying to distract her and she turns her head, but keeps her knife near his throat. I try to stay focused. “You certainly are a man of mystery!” Matt comes on the other side of me to try to grab her.

“Maxey, I can’t spill all of my secrets in a few sessions, you know.” He seems to understand what we’re doing, so he plays along. “Thanks for getting my bag, but that is more for you and the Boss here.” Right as he says that, Matt reaches out to her and Alejandro comes off the wall with his hand on her wrist. They make her drop the knife. I run to get it before she can get it back. We all bring her to the front and get the security guards to take her out. What a way to start a morning?!

[scoundrelstars]

The Price of Ink, Part 2

The two wended their way out of the sprawling command bunker and into the grimy rain of Rescalia. Each drop prickled at her skin and she pulled her coat’s hood up over her head to protect herself from the astringent drops. Sorn seemed unfazed by the weather and continued his sauntering pace down the main thoroughfare of the camp.

The Imperial staging camp was an enormous clearing that sat atop what had once been a mountain, long since mined flat and outside the range of Scarist Hive’s main defensive guns. Armor, aircraft, and troops all bustled about, preparing for the first assault.

“This your first time in the field?” asked Sorn.

“My first time off Terra,” said Naemi, stepping carefully over ruts left in the mud by a heavy Leman Russ battle tank.

“I’d reckon an adepta of the Collegia Afrikasa would be more politic.” He drew out each syllable of ‘politic’ in his slow accent. “Never try to convince an Inquisitor to do somethin’ they don’t want to.”

Naemi found herself frowning at Sorn, who didn’t break stride.

“You read my file, so I read yours.” Sorn raised his left arm, displaying the gauntlet he wore. Inlaid into the armor, a dataslate glowed with her picture and her entire dossier. Sorn scrolled through it with one finger. “Naemi Vandenbergh, daughter of menials who earned her place in the Collegia on Afrik before being scooped up by the Logos Historica Verita in the first induction by the Lord Regent himself. Truly a story to inspire the masses.”

Naemi narrowed her eyes as they walked, wary of the seemingly lackadaisical military man. He gave her a sidelong look, his hands in his pockets. “You’re trying to impress me.”

“How am I doing so far?”

“Not nearly as well as you think.”

Sorn stopped in front of a long barracks that had been constructed from pre-fab panels and ferrocrete. The number nine was stenciled onto the corrugated roller door set into the side.

“Look, Miss Vandenbergh. How often is history made by askin’ permission?”

Naemi gave the colonel an appraising look, considering. One hand idly touched the Logos icon she wore around her neck. Maybe he was right. She knew she could commandeer almost any military asset in the execution of her warrant, within reason. And the Tempestor Prime of the 9th Higaran Hellbats had taken an interest in her case. She shuddered at the thought of Drant’s fury if he were to find out, but the thought of an iterator’s first-hand account of the Great Crusade being lost forever steeled her against fear.

She nodded firmly. “All right. I’ll concede that you may have a point. What I don’t see is what your Hellbats get out of it.”

“I told you, professor. We can help each other. We get you into the Scarist Archives and you’ll help us by using that,” he pointed to the Logos icon she wore, “to open up the data-crypts.”

The icon, in addition to being a symbol of her station, was the vessel for a complex machine spirit that could grant her access to records and reports that were locked behind even the most complex cipher-wards.

“What’s so important in the data-crypts?”

Sorn smirked and shook his head. “Sorry, that ain’t part of the deal.”

“I’m not sure I like going in without all the facts.”

“Well, there’s only three Scions regiments on-planet. Ground pounders won’t get you into the city in one piece and if you think any of the other by-the-books types are willing to take you, then you’re welcome to try. Drant’s got ‘em all whipped into line.”

She raised one eyebrow skeptically. “But not you.”

“We’re a fan of longshots here in the Ninth,” said Sorn with a grin, “You want to get into the Archives and we can get you there.”

Naemi was silent for a time, analyzing her options. “Fine. I’ll get you into the crypts.”

“Excellent!” Sorn smiled and pressed an intervox call button set into the wall of the bunker. A buzzer sounded briefly and the roller door began to crawl upwards. “Welcome to the Hellbats, professor.”

Inside, lumen-globes lit a garage of midnight-blue assault vehicles, cogitator banks, and weapon racks. Soldiers in every state of uniform milled around cleaning weapons, servicing engines, or dozing anywhere their bodies could fit. Overall, Naemi counted at least thirty men and women.

“Look alive, boys and girls. We got ourselves a dance and the music’s startin’.”

The Scions of the Hellbats piled in around their commander, who was shucking off his dress coat. Naemi felt herself taking a step back before mentally chastised herself. It wouldn’t do to show the intimidation she was feeling. Field work meant dealing with rough characters and, by the Throne, did these Hellbats look rough. An older man with a white scar running down his face and neck stepped forward first. He spoke with the same slow drawl that Sorn did.

“She’ll do it, sir?”

“Yes she will, Cal. That means you’ll be leading the Ninth in the main theater itself. I’ll be taking the professor in as planned. Round up your bats and uplink with the belfry, you’ll receive formal orders as soon as.”

The man called Cal gave Sorn a stern look before nodding with a “Yessir” followed by a bellow, “All right, Nines! Fall out and put on your dancin’ shoes. I want to see everyone in full battle rattle by the time the CAG has his birds all gassed up!”

“First squad, on me,” said Sorn.

The majority of the Hellbats broke away at a quick jog, back to their barracks, to find their shoes, Naemi guessed. A few stayed back, looking at their commander expectantly.

“First squad, this is Naemi Vandenbergh, historitor extraordinaire and the whole reason we’re goin’ on this picnic in the first place. Professor, these are the people who will be gettin’ us in and out of Scarist Hive in one piece.”

Sorn went around the small circle of Scions, making the team’s introductions.

Sergeant Alcoin was a man with a dour face and sallow eyes. The strange humor that seemed to infect Sorn was absent in him. Troopers Aime, Leger, and Monpremier nodded and smiled a warm welcome to her before being sent off haul in a small holotank from an outer room.

“The Mercier boys, Abel and Reddy,” motioning towards two young, gawking soldiers with ruddy skin and fair hair. They were the spitting image of each other and, to Naemi’s eyes, very young to be soldiers.

“Best sharpshooter in the Ninth, ma’am,” said one, “my brother’s a close second.”

The other looked indignant, “Not a chance, ma’am. It’s the other way ‘round!”

Sorn raised one hand and continued down the line. A man with sharp features, dark skin, and a mat of scar tissue on the side of his shaved head was introduced as Corporal Caissy.

“Best driver in the Hellbats,” said Sorn proudly, “We ready for action?”

“As ready it’ll ever be, sir. The red priests tried their best with the grav chutes, but they just weren’t meant to hold something this big. There’s a chance they’ll short out if we push ‘em, they says.”

“Then we’ll just have to get in real close, won’t we?”

A woman practically the size of an ogryn with a square face and short-cropped hair touched one finger to her eyebrow as she was introduced. She had an air of jovial aggression about her that shone through her eyes as she gave Naemi an up-and-down look.

“Finally, Syvette Lufleur, our weapons specialist. Think you can kit the professor out?”

“I might have somethin’ that will fit her.”

Sorn clapped his hands together with a light in his eyes. “All right then! Leger, bring up the map on that thing and let’s figure out where we’re goin’ to drop.”

“Map might be a problem, sir,” said Leger, “the belfry says no one’s mapped Scarist Hive in the last two hundred years. S’why Drant is having such a bad go of gettin’ inside the city.”

“Bring up the orbitals, then. We’ll play it by ear.”

Naemi did not like the sound of that. Whatever ‘it’ was, she wasn’t going to leave something as important as this to people who didn’t even know the full layout of Scarist, no matter how skilled of soldiers they were.

“I thought you already had a plan,” said Naemi Her fingers clenched hard around the Logos amulet she wore.

“I do,” said Sorn, crossing his arms and frowned down into the holotank, “but there’s always an element of improvisation to war. That’s a lesson you learn on Higara.”

“Oh no,” Naemi sighed. “I know the city, colonel. Tell me how we want to approach this thing and I can get you a route.”

“Ain’t you from Terra, ma’am?” asked one of the Mercier brothers, punching buttons on the holotank as Leger tried to bring up orbital scans.

“Yes, but the Logos has access to practically every screed, tome, and datasheet in the Imperium. I studied everything I could about this benighted place on my transit from the throneworld. I saw the original foundation documents for Scarist. Every drainage ditch, sewer system, and maintenance tunnel. It’s all up here.” Naemi tapped her temple.

“You’re sure, professor?”

Naemi pulled back her long hair, revealing a cranial sheath that ran up her neck and into her head. “Eidetic memory, colonel. I don’t forget anything.”

Lufleur clapped Naemi on the shoulder and laughed. “See, Abel? That’s what you get with a real education!”

She swallowed hard, but felt a smile creeping onto her face. Things were moving so fast. She’d barely been planetside for three hours and now she was about to be in the midst of the largest Imperial assault in the subsector’s history. She’d checked the numbers. As she was lead away to the armory for her own ‘dancing shoes,' she wondered again if field work really was her calling after all.

[deadcactuswalking]

REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 22/05/2021 (Olivia Rodrigo, J. Cole’s ‘The Off-Season’, Nicki Minaj)

Yeah, it’s a big week, given the impact of J. Cole, Jorja Smith, Olivia Rodrigo (more on that next week) and the remaining impact of the BRIT Awards. There’s a lot of nonsense on this chart, a busy as hell one at that, but this surprisingly did not affect the #1, as the remix to “Body” by Russ Millions and Tion Wayne spends a third week at the top. Let’s just attack this head on. Welcome back to REVIEWING THE CHARTS.

Rundown

First of all, let’s get this nonsense out of the way: what happened to songs already on the UK Top 75 chart, which is what I cover? Well, a fair few of them dropped out. Any song that spent five or more weeks in the chart or peaked in the top 40 is considered a notable drop-out, and this week, they include “Wants and Needs” by Drake featuring Lil Baby off of the return last week, “Track Star” by Mooski, “Heat” by Paul Woolford and Amber Mark, “6 for 6” by Central Cee, “Patience” by KSI featuring YUNGBLUD and Polo G, “Hold On” by Justin Bieber, “We’re Good” by Dua Lipa, “Commitment Issues” by Central Cee (Gosh, didn’t think J. Cole would take a chunk out of this guy’s audience specifically), “Up” by Cardi B, “Streets” by Doja Cat and finally, “Get Out My Head” by Shane Codd, but also interestingly “i n t e r l u d e” by J. Cole dropping out off of the top 40 debut despite the album boost. This doesn’t mean it didn’t perform well but rather this is demonstrating this silly chart rule where in the top 100, one artist can only have three songs, preventing album bombs that you see on the US Billboard Hot 100. It makes the chart less accurate but arguably more diverse and hence fun for me to talk about.

There are also a few returning entries to add some fuel to this chart fire, one that has already combusted in the US this week, as “Slumber Party” by Ashnikko featuring Princess Nokia is back at #70 thanks to the video, “All You Ever Wanted” by Rag’n’Bone Man is back at #51 thanks to a delayed album boost, and the same can be said for “Addicted” by Jorja Smith at #49.

Then we have our notable losses, songs that fell at least five spots down the chart this week, including “WITHOUT YOU” by the Kid LAROI at #18, “Higher Power” by Coldplay falling big off of the debut at #25, “Your Power” by Billie Eilish at #26, “Didn’t Know” by Tom Zanetti at #28, “Heat Waves” by Glass Animals at #30, “Leave the Door Open” by Silk Sonic at #31, “Don’t You Worry About Me” by Bad Boy Chiller Crew at #39, “Latest Trends” by A1 x J1 at #46, “Last Time” by Becky Hill at #52, “All I Know So Far” by P!nk at #55 off of the debut, “My Head & My Heart” by Ava Max at #57, “Martin & Gina” by Polo G at #58, “Miss the Rage” by Trippie Redd featuring Playboi Carti dropping hard off of the debut at #60 (Really, what was expected here?), Travis Scott’s remix of HVME’s remix of Travis Scott’s “Goosebumps” at #61, “Cover Me in Sunshine” by P!nk and Willow Sage Heart at #63, “Don’t Play” by Anne-Marie, KSI and Digital Farm Animals at #65, “Sunshine (The Light)” by Fat Joe, DJ Khaled and Amorphous at #66, “Tonight” by Ghost Killer Track featuring D-Block Europe and Oboy at #71, and finally, “Calling My Phone” by Lil Tjay and 6LACK at #73.

That’s not to say there weren’t any notable gains however as we do have some interesting remnants of BRITs excitement and some other reasons for our gains this week, which include “One Day” by Lovejoy (more on them later) at #54, “It’s a sin” by Elton John and Years & Years at #47, “Way Too Long” by Nathan Dawe, Anne-Marie and MoStack at #43, “drivers license” by Olivia Rodrigo at #35 off of the success of “good 4 u” (again, more on that later), “Black Hole” by Griff at #23 thanks to the BRITs, and finally, “deja vu” by Olivia Rodrigo at #11. Really, all of this is just me stalling because this is a massive week – I’m writing this early – let’s just get through this... starting with—oh, for God’s sake.

NEW ARRIVALS

#75 – “Taunt” – Lovejoy

Produced by Cameron Nesbitt

Two weeks in a row, ladies and gentlemen: Minecraft YouTuber-core. How this happens I have no idea but regardless, the people of the UK seem to enjoy this Wilbur Soot guy’s new band. Is the new single better than the last one that charted from this EP, at least? Well, yeah, it is, mostly because at least this one’s an actual pop rock tune that, whilst derivative again, has more hooks than “One Day”, especially those stop-and-start-again verses that give me mathcore flashbacks, just with less of a catharsis to come from it other than that infectious, trumpet-laden chorus. The content is pretty gross if anything, seemingly focusing in on this past relationship from secondary school in which Wilbur tears into a girl for being insecure despite her privileges... for seemingly no reason. I mean, surely, you’ve moved on, right? Thankfully, Wilbur does get his comeuppance by the end of the song as the girl throws his drink at him, but it does leave the rest of the song with a pretty spiteful taste in my mouth that can’t be avoided by some pretty, 2000s indie rock-esque instrumentals. It doesn’t help that Wilbur Soot is such a non-presence as well, which I can see improving as the band goes on to record more material but the problem is with this early stage is that for now, it’s all rather primitive... yet it’s still charting. Oh, and if any people happen to find this that are fans of this guy, I am terrified of you so I’ll clarify that I don’t dislike this band at all, I’m just not a fan of what I’ve heard. I just wanted to put that out there because I value my personal information.

#74 – “Crocodile Teeth” – Skillibeng

Produced by Adde Instrumentals and Johnny Wonder

So last week, Nicki Minaj re-released her classic 2009 mixtape Beam Me Up Scotty onto official streaming services for the first time, with a remastered mix of some of her classic remixes as well as some new tracks or fan-favourite loosies sprinkled in. Why do I say this in reference to some random unrelated track, you ask? Well, we’ll get back to Nicki later but this song was actually remixed by Nicki and appears on that mixtape, despite baring no resemblance or relation to that mixtape at all, given this was released in 2020. The UK Singles Chart is particularly inconsistent is crediting remixes however, so we have the original here and, for what it’s worth, I quite like this. Skillibeng isn’t the most interesting presence but does his job in being vaguely menacing and violent over this cheap piano-led Afroswing instrumental with some questionable bass mastering. The song is in Patois but you can get the gist that it’s gunplay and flexing, typically stuff you’d hear in any UK drill track and it’s generic for sure but catchy enough to ignore. This version of the song is completely passable but I do think it is elevated by Nicki’s short introductory verse on the remix. I’d obviously have preferred there be more interplay but the remix was probably only known to Skillibeng when Nicki’s lawyers reached out anyway.

#72 – “Straightenin” – Migos

Produced by DJ Durel, Atake, Sluzyyy, OSIRIS, Nuki and Slime Castro

So Migos are finally preparing to release their highly-anticipated record Culture III as the boys are back together after some time apart, in which they have had varying levels of success, with Offset probably delivering the best solo material because he has both the best qualities of Takeoff and Quavo and always delivers on guest verses... I’m sorry, what about this needed six producers? This beat is not bad by any stretch with some vague flute loop eerily played under a rote trap beat, of which the bounced 808s are probably of most interest, but I do not understand how one person, let alone just an AI, couldn’t have made this alone. Regardless, the beat is good enough to make Quavo sound like he finally cares, even if he’s just going to talk about how he just saw Tenet – a bit late to the party – and how he turned a pandemic to a “band-emic”. Yeah, okay, so we’re going to ignore Mr. Quavious and move onto Takeoff and Offset who... at least have some good flows, albeit just the same triplet deliveries they’ve had for years. I think the most interesting part about this whole song is the slippery backing vocal that follows Quavo in the later choruses, which shows an attention to detail I missed from these guys. There’s only so much I can hear Quavo say “don’t nothin’ get straight ‘bout straightenin’” before I lose my mind, though, especially by the time we get to that awkward outro, so I can’t call myself a fan of this. If we’re speaking trap-rap from acts on hiatus, I really would have preferred “Lay wit Ya” by Isaiah Rashad and Duke Deuce to chart but I guess these guys will do.

#64 – “Independence Day Freestyle” – Fredo

Produced by Handz

By the end of this episode, I will never want to hear skittering hi-hats ever again. For now, however, we’ve got the same genre, different country as we go home to Fredo, a British rapper who’s pretty consistently good to be fair to him and did release an album I liked earlier this year. This is just a random freestyle he dropped last week because he felt like it, and here it is on the chart. Okay, well, it isn’t an actual freestyle because nothing that’s called a freestyle actually is in 2021, but that doesn’t mean it can’t be a trap banger in itself and it’s got the foundation for it. I love the eerie chipmunk vocal sample that adds a touch of soul to the menacing keys before they get drowned out by trap percussion and Fredo going through his typical rags-to-riches commentary and memories of gang violence in one massive verse that somehow keeps my interest throughout the entire three minutes. The flow is about as smooth as it gets with UK rap, typically a lot stiffer, especially in drill, and the mixing’s fine, so yeah, I can’t really complain. I’d have preferred a chorus, obviously, and there are extended freestyles we’ll talk about later that do this a lot better, but for now, I can dig this, especially considering it’s pretty damn quotable for what it is. “If I fell off, I must have fell off the stairs into some elevators” is a bar, as is when he says he’s got more foreign cars than an Asian wedding or when he calls himself “Lord of the Bling”... okay, maybe that one’s not as impressive.

#62 – “The Great Escape” – Blanco and Central Cee

Produced by LiTek and WhyJay

Central Cee is a more familiar name but you may not know Blanco who, despite the collaboration with Cee making it ripe for comparison and comedy, is not a French white rapper. Rather, he’s from pioneering drill group Harlem Spartans and this is actually his first solo charting song thanks to Cee’s appearance. As you’d expect, this has some loud drill production and vague acoustic guitar loop as well as some stuttering vocal production peppered with dark 808s (that do bang here in all honesty) and pointless alarm sounds. Whilst drill is so standardised now, I do actually like this beat because it’s what I want to hear Cee on; sure, it’s got the guitar and the flutes but it’s also got a sax riff, which is what made “Loading” so fun. Blanco himself is also a more charming presence than Cee and their two energies bounce off of each other pretty well, even if the most witty their punchlines get are just referencing Powerpuff Girls characters... and when they’re not basic, they’re borderline incoherent but whatever, this is a fun slice of misogyny and violence that you’d expect from the genre with at least some care put into it. Not bad at all.

#56 – “Bussdown” – Jorja Smith featuring Shaybo

Produced by Riccardo Damian, Jeff “Gitty” Gitelman and Kal Banx

This is the break-out single from the most recent “project” from Jorja Smith, going the Drake route of not bothering to name it an album, mixtape or EP, and this one features London rapper Shaybo in a track about materialism but not as much embracing it as becoming increasingly alienated by it as whilst wealth may bring you luxury and connections, it detaches you from reality, which is the point in Shaybo’s verses about being Miss Naive, someone who is increasingly aggressive as a result because, well, she always gets what she wants, right? This is not a project I listened to but the content is promising... until I actually hear the song, with its awkward, clattering percussion showered in overwhelming vocal mixing that fails in whatever intimacy it attempts to present, and that’s before the decidedly unsubtle air horns and guitar licks. The song is minimal enough for the content to kind of fall flat as well, as a song like this feels like it deserves more than a slick bass groove, rather some kind of maximalist yet subtlety eerie production. I’m thinking Shaybo would actually make more sense there than she would here as well as her awkward, pathetic-sounding flow is delivered in the most dead-pan cadence, so much so that it drifts off fully into background “vibe” music but even then, it feels too distracting in the mix to work as that. I did want to like this but it just ends up as a really disappointing track from Jorja Smith, once again.

#42 – “Seeing Green” – Nicki Minaj, Drake and Lil Wayne

Produced by GOVI and Kid Masterpiece

We’re half-way through our batch of new arrivals and what better way to celebrate than a posse cut by three rappers long past their prime by now without a chorus that pushes six minutes? Normally, that would be sarcastic, but in this case it is absolutely not as this is awesome. I love 2000s hip-hop and a chipmunk soul-inflected beat blended with early 2010s era proto-trap production is obviously going to appeal to me as that type of contrast is what I love about more lyrical hip-hop, hell, I wouldn’t have been surprised if it was said this was a Kanye beat or more accurately perhaps one by Harry Fraud. It helps that over that gorgeous soul sample we have all three rappers proving they still have it as performers, with some detailed verses from the classic Young Money crew that if nothing else provide a perfect nostalgia button for their era of dominance in hip-hop, not that it’s ever stopped since. I also just love hearing Lil Wayne hungry again, because I am a pretty big fan of his voice, delivery and even some of his wordplay and one-liners, all of which he expresses perfectly in his high-energy verse that switches through flaws as if it were all some off-the-top freestyle, and knowing Wayne, it might as well could have been. I love how he starts his verse off by shooting a guy and then saying it was his bad for doing it because he was a “good cat” and somehow it gets more off the rails afterwards, as he calls his girl a vacuum and says he’s peeing lean, before this self-proclaimed “badonkadonk bikini fiend” reminisces about his bisexual ex from Atlanta in a pretty clever use of repetition in rap. This is all with his sludged drawl of a delivery, which becomes especially important when he calls us all back to 2010 as when Wayne was in prison at his career peak, Drake always said “Free Weezy” and now 10 years later, Wayne’s saying “Free Drizzy” because Drake’s locked up in Canada because of the COVID-19 pandemic... because of course. I know it just seems like I’m itching out tiny little details in the verse but that’s what’s so great about repeated listens to detailed and great rap verses. That’s not to say Wayne is the only stand-out here either as Nicki Minaj impresses with that confident delivery she’s known for as she clarifies her beef with Cardi B being less about her “copying her homework” as it was about her up-hill battle with the industry, she recites how bitches are infamously her sons and delivers some pretty clever and quotable lines of her own, like “brand new Vanilla Maserati, I’ve been Haagen-Daszin’”... which again sounds like a bar straight out of 2010. I think the best verse here might actually be from Drake as much as I hate to say it, with bravado out of the gate that seems pretty deserved for someone with as immense success as he’s had. Not only is he referencing back to 2010 and even his Degrassi days, comparing it to the run-up to his upcoming album since he’s back on two crutches, but he’s also delivering some of his most interesting and quotable lines in years, and it all runs off so effortlessly and smoothly, but with a constant hunger and conviction reminding me of some of his deeper cuts like “Dreams Money Can Buy”. I won’t go further than I already have with this song – even though I could gladly quote practically the entirety of Drake’s verse, even when he aspires to be Vladimir Putin (I guess it’s better than accidentally comparing himself to Hitler) – but I’ve rambled on enough about this wonderful track. Triumphant lyrical rapping over soulful vocal loops will never be a thing I stop having a fondness for; these are some of my nostalgia biases creeping in – especially since these aren’t close to being the best verses any of the trio have delivered – but it’s so great hearing all three back on form together. Check this out if you haven’t as it’s absolutely a highlight off of the mixtape’s re-release.

#37 – “Build a Bitch” – Bella Poarch

Produced by Sub Urban and Elle Rizk

Bella Poarch is a name I had to search up and it turns out she is another one of these TikTok stars turned pop singers and all power to them for starting their career through such a useful and culturally important platform, honestly, and realistically, anyone regardless of their career background could make a song I enjoy, so there’s no use in dismissing them as a result, especially if I actually enjoy the concept of this song. The writing tends to be a bit childish as expected – again, more on that later – particularly when she sings lines like “Bob the Builder broke my heart and told me it needs fixing”, but the song’s theme of embracing young women for how they really are instead of Photoshopped, unrealistic beauty expectations is a message I like being expressed to her audience of teenage girls; I see it as necessary in the social media age. I do think that this message could be expressed with more tact than a Build-a-Bear parody but it never goes the slut-shaming route and is more critical of the men demanding or expecting perfection from their female partners, or on a wider scale the expectation for successful women to follow fashion and beauty trends, especially by men in their industries and fields. Poarch herself is a light-hearted vocalist kind of reminding me a bit too much of a self-serious Ashnikko but the melody in the chorus is infectious enough for me to ignore how void a personality she is. It’s harder however to ignore the stiff 808s that drown out clattering, awkward future-bass production and that drop just being really gross, kind of ruining the song in how it’s clearly a lean towards hyper-pop without fully drawing itself within that lane. Either way, this is fine, and at barely two minutes it struggles to find itself as a finished song let alone anything I can be offended by. This is remarkably okay, and that’s more than I expected.

#16 – “a m a r i” – J. Cole

Produced by T-Minus, J. Cole, Sucuki and Timbaland

These songs don’t even show up when you search them on Spotify and to be honest, I was hoping that would lead to limited success but of course, it didn’t. J. Cole’s latest album The Off-Season is yet another mediocre instalment in a dull catalogue full of rambling verses from a guy who thinks he has much more to say than he actually ends up saying, and it’s exhausting to listen let alone discuss the man’s art out of a sheer lack of personality or wit that follows his every move. His Dreamville label is filled to the brim with people more consistent, skilful and interesting than Cole has ever been so it’s just frustrating to see the label boss get all of the recognition. Regardless, I’ve never liked Cole as an artist – especially not a conscious one given the ableism, homophobia and tone-deaf exchange with Noname just last year – so I’m almost glad he’s stripped off half of the pretence of making a woke, important album. He’s just rapping on this record, which gives me the excuse to run through the rest of these consecutive bores from Cole as quickly as possible. First of all, we have “a m a r i”, a barely sufferable dud from the album scored by a blend of acoustic guitars and squelching trap percussion that fails to platform Cole’s Auto-Tuned moaning, oftentimes just aggravating and barely listenable, and sometimes disguising some pretty weak, topic-less verses for a man who claims to be focused. “Want smoke? I’m a whole nicotine company”  is not the silliest bar on the album, but I’m almost convinced the song ends as abruptly as it does because Timbaland’s embarrassed that he helped produce such an underwhelming beat and not even someone praised as a modern great can save it from being worthless.

#15 – “p r i d e . i s . t h e . d e v i l” – J. Cole and Lil Baby

Produced by T-Minus

One of my favourite hip-hop releases of last year was Aminé’s Limbo, a diverse selection of tracks that ranged from conscious hip-hop about his ambitions and fears about growing up and raising children in a modern world as well as typical trap-rap flexing and R&B crooners about girl problems. All of this is smoothly stirred into a pot of personality that actually attempts to bridge a gap between older and newer generations of rappers rather than just claiming to. “Can’t Decide” is not one of my favourite tracks from that record – “Compensating” with Young Thug executes its ideas just that little bit better for me – but it’s still a fun, R&B-adjacent tune with insanely catchy hooks about Aminé’s relationships. So why did we need a J. Cole remix? This guy sucks the fun out of beats like a vacuum in a bouncy castle, as he sloppily whines in an almost emo-rap cadence over a cheaper West Coast slide he just can’t convincingly sell. Lyrically, Cole focuses on the idea of pride and how it corrupts someone’s morals, criticising the flashing of money and social isolation from the family... both of which seem like Cole’s M.O. at this point, right? Success amidst independence? Platinum without features? This time around, there is a feature however from Lil Baby, who much like Cole claims to be focused in this very focused whilst pick-and-choosing between random trains of thought in his typical frog-throat delivery. Hey, at least Lil Baby flows with less strain and unwarranted, desperate effort that Cole does, and ends up out-shining the primary artist entirely, even if he’s going to “pay silly bands to have sex on the jet”. ..What?

#13 – “m y . l i f e” – J. Cole, 21 Savage and Morray

Produced by WU10, J. Cole and Jake One

The first lines of this song are “Spiralling up just like a rich person’s staircase; no fly zone, please stay out of my airspace”. Cole, I thought pride was the devil! I understand that one can still acknowledge the flaws in their worldview whilst embracing it and engaging themselves in it – that’s really a lot of the point of rags-to-riches rap – but some subtlety or at least some explanation from someone who wants you to see him as focused, woke, hungry and a master of his craft, would have been nice, right? This is Morray’s first charting hit in the UK and I’m glad he’s here as he’s basically what differentiates this from the duo’s prior collaboration “a lot”, a song that not only banged harder but felt smoother and Hell, just more coherent, especially with some soulful production that this new collaboration glaringly rips off. Morray’s biggest hit is “Quicksand” but his mixtape Street Sermons is full of soulful and honest trap-rap that I’d absolutely recommend for gospel flavour on the surface and the lyrical detail behind the bravado being extensive and confidently delivered, especially standing out on his own with no features to speak of. He has the chorus on here and I’m surprised DaBaby doesn’t have the second verse so this could be a North Carolina anthem but we do have 21 Savage, who delivers his typical brand of cold-hearted (or rather no-hearted), stoic paranoia bars but at least that’s a personality. 21 Savage delivers a slick flow over this sample and spits the pretty simple yet profound bar of “I pray that my past ain’t ahead of me”, leading to probably the most enjoyable verse on the whole album. If you couldn’t tell, the new guys outshine the old guard so obviously with so little effort it’s kind of impressive on Cole’s part even. I’m glad this is the biggest hit from this album so far as not only is this one of the best tracks out of a slim selection but it’s big for both 21 and especially Morray, who I’m really rooting for against, say, a Rod Wave or Kevin Gates in terms of southern rap with a lot more soul and grit. Oh, and Cole, “know it’s on sight when I see you like I’m working at Squarespace”? Really? Again, it’s not the dumbest bar on the album.

#2 – “good 4 u” – Olivia Rodrigo

Produced by Alexander 23 and Dan Nigro

It’s pretty fitting to book-end a batch of new arrivals mostly consisting of hardcore gritty trap with two up-beat alternative rock tracks, and I’ll say I prefer this to Lovejoy mostly because, well, like I said with “Seeing Green”, my biases will always be on full and honest display, and as someone who’s a sucker for pop-punk of all eras, especially if it’s a female-fronted band with some youthful, raspy vocals, this will obviously hit for me. Throughout Sour, I found it hard to buy into the teenage melodrama due to Dan Nigro’s production often sounding too clean for its own sake, never allowing the guitars to really crash into some lo-fi, distorted noise like they seem to want to do on tracks like this, “deja vu” and especially the opener, “traitor”. Sadly, that cuts the chances of radio airplay by a ton more than it should, so we end up with mixing that slides off Rodrigo’s reverb-drenched vocals too smoothly, creating a rather formulaic album, unfortunate for its sheer excess of promise. With that said, this is one of my favourite tracks off of the album, if only for that funky bassline and some of Nigro’s most interesting stylistic and production choices, particularly in the drumming, which sounds as organic as possible for something that was programmed by him and Alexander 23. The sarcasm-laced post-break-up kiss-off is already not unfamiliar territory for Olivia Rodrigo and neither was it for Avril Lavigne, which this track tends to sound almost like an imitation of, down to the inconsistently PG-13 image as “screw you” is delivered with as much conviction as the actual F-bomb in the same verse. Regardless of how much it wants to consistently kill its own momentum, this janky songwriting actually reminds me of early Paramore, much of which holds a special place in my heart, so whilst Hayley Williams has been off doing her solo work – and Paramore seem to have moved on from this kind of bitter, petty pop rock anyway – this quenches that thirst pretty effectively.

Conclusion

Olivia Rodrigo bags the Honourable Mention for “good 4 u” as well as it’s one of two songs debuting this week I think are pretty damn special, the other one being “Seeing Green” by Nicki Minaj, Lil Wayne and Drake as it grabs Best of the Week. For the worst, I mean, pick your J. Cole-flavoured poison but personally I’d say “a m a r i” can be crowned Worst of the Week with a Dishonourable Mention to... great, I don’t want to seem like I hate J. Cole but nothing else here is even as bad as his Lil Baby collaboration “p r i d e . i s . t h e . d e v i l”. Here’s this week’s top 10:

Expect two more of those spaces filled up by Olivia Rodrigo next week as whilst we may not get any new entries from her the album will have an impact regardless on the chart. Otherwise, I guess we’ll have to wait and see with how a Queen-sampling BTS song wrecks the chart – probably will give both Olivia and “Body” some #1 competition – as well as new songs from Little Mix, Lana Del Rey, Polo G and Lil Nas X popping up not too far behind it. It should be just as busy next week, folks, so strap in, I suppose. Thanks for reading and I’ll see you then!