#Remember my wisdom. Goodbye forever

[agent-plaguemask]

Hello Tumblr. For however and whenever you may need this.

[fatuismooches]

fabulam diu oblitus - postlude.

synopsis: The tale of the raven and the sparrow has long been forgotten by most, but some will always remember.

includes: dottore w/ gn! reader

notes: This is the fourth part of this fic, please read the other parts first! It seems that the fairy tale of you and Dottore comes to an end. Follows some of Sumeru's storyline. Warning for death. Angst. Thank you to my mootie @kaixserzz and my all of my dear anons (🎐, 🐓 <3) who kept me inspired to keep writing this fic :3

prelude. first interlude. second interlude. postlude. sequel.

“The raven and butterfly’s happiness continued for much longer. But of course, every creature is aware that nothing lasts forever, and even the lightning in the sky would agree with that statement. All fairytales must come to an end. That was no different for the raven and the butterfly.”

There had been a buzz around the lab lately. Some of the segments had been ordered to leave for a Fatui mission. Which, would have been a normal occurrence, were it not for the place they were headed to this time.

“Sumeru? You’re going to Sumeru?” Your home country had instantly gotten your attention, not only because you haven’t been back in centuries, but also because the segments were never usually dispatched there, instead causing their usual chaos in other nations.

“Indeed. We will see if the Balladeer is able to become the God he so desires to be,” Omega hummed, moving a hand underneath your shirt to record your heartbeat. Ah, that was right. The puppet had stolen the Electro Gnosis to use as his ascension into godhood… and Dottore would be there to see how his experiment plays out. Well, you already had a feeling about how that would turn out. 

Moving on to a different subject, although Sumeru was the home you and Zandik were chased out of, you still held fond memories of it. Many happy things happened there for you, so the thought of it made you smile.

“You have to bring back lots of stories for me! And souvenirs! Oh, I would love to see how much Sumeru has changed from all those years ago,” you dreamily smiled. Yeah, your favorite cafe was probably gone by now… but you’d love to see what replaced it!

“Of course. I expect there will be much to say with the God of Wisdom and the Traveler intervening as well,” Omega chuckled, scribbling down something on his clipboard after glancing at the monitor, before fixing your shirt back.

“Your vitals have been better lately,” the segment commented and patted your head, which you happily indulged in. It wasn’t too noticeable, but it seemed like your body was getting even a little bit better. Not much, a little. But that was good anyway. “But run along now. There is much preparation to be done regarding the trip to Sumeru.”

“Okayyyy,” you stretched your words a bit disappointedly, not wanting to leave the segment, but you knew he had a lot of work to do. So instead you settled with pecking him on the cheek which he of course returned tenfold before you went off on your way. You had quite a few segments to say goodbye to, after all! You’d miss them a lot, but, you still had the other segments here with you. And your lover of course.

Surely, they would be back in the blink of an eye. Yes, surely, they’d return just as they always did. You had no reason to think otherwise. And so for the next few days, everything was normal. Time passed regularly. You got through the days as you did with any other.

But one day was different.

You were in your room by yourself, enjoying your alone time. Because as much as you loved being around the segments, you still liked being by yourself too. But all of a sudden, your tranquility was interrupted by literally a bang on your door, which made you jump.

The knock on your door was frantic and loud. Immediately you hopped out of bed to see what could possibly be so important that your door was getting pounded, but when you opened the door there was no one there. You were very confused… how was that possible? This was a pretty long hallway. Even with the segments’ abilities, there was no way they could just disappear into thin air like that. 

A bad feeling began to creep up on you, your stomach twisting and turning. You don’t know why, but it just did. But surely you were overreacting. Perhaps… perhaps… actually, you didn’t have any valid reasoning you could think of right now. Maybe though, maybe you should go and check on them. Just in case. You know that they’ll be there, in the lab doing their experiments or perhaps bickering with each other as usual, but there was nothing wrong with double-checking. And then you’ll calm yourself with a nice hug from one of them. It would all be okay. 

But you found that your steps were quicker and longer than usual, your breathing heavier than usual. As you got closer to the main lab’s doors, you strained your ears for their voices, anything, something, but heard nothing. You licked and bit your lip that had gone dry, weak legs walking even faster if that was possible, before you swung open the doors, hoping to see those blue mops of hair you so desired to see.

Nothing. The room was empty.

Your footsteps slowed, walking into the room cautiously. It was strange because it looked as if there were people in here just a few minutes ago. Notes that were left unfinished halfway. Beakers that had broken on the floor, with some mysterious liquids soaking the floor. Strange, very strange. And yet no trace of any segments remained.

The bad feeling had grown into something much worse now. Where else? Where else could they be? 

Their rooms. You should check their rooms. They were usually there if they weren’t in the lab, doing their own respective work (because their office and rooms doubled as one since they didn’t need to sleep.) So despite how your chest burned, and your legs ached, it didn’t matter if it meant your heart would be soothed and relieved.

You ran as fast as you could, more like you tried to because your illness had really kicked in since your mind was stressing out a great amount. As you clung to the walls, catching your breath, you paid no mind to the random agents who were looking at you funny, nor did you manage to catch their words of “Omega” or “erased” or “gone.”

It took longer than it should have taken you, but at last, you made it to the corridor with the segments’ rooms. You didn’t bother to knock, swinging open the door to Alpha’s room.

Empty.

Beta’s room.

Empty.

Every single room was empty. Fuck, even Zandy’s room was empty. And he was always in there if he wasn’t with you. Your head was throbbing with unease now, your heavy, troubled breathing sounding throughout the whole hallway. Where? Where? Where did they go…?!

“[Name].” A voice sounded from behind you. Spinning around, it was Dottore. Your Dottore! Okay, at least he was still here!

“Dottore,” you breathed a sigh of relief. He would have an explanation for this. “Dottore, where are all the segments? I-I can’t find them anywhere. I mean, I know the lab is really big, but it’s strange for them not to be in these areas,” you placed a hand on your rapidly beating heart, trying to calm it, not noticing your husband’s expression.

“...” The scientist was unsure of how to break the news to you because he knew of the bond you shared with the segments.

“Dottore? Why aren’t you answering me?” He opened his mouth to respond, but paused, seemingly trying to determine the best way to phrase his words. That only worried you more, because he was never one to sugarcoat his words. Your nervousness had returned once more, burning heat from fear creeping up your shoulders. “Zandik, answer me.”

“They’re gone, [Name].” The words took a few moments to settle in, silence overtaking the area for a little bit. But only for a little bit, as your nervous laughter rang out interrupting it.

“Gone?” You repeated. “What do you mean gone? They just can’t be gone. Right? Right, Dottore?” The nervous smile that had etched its way onto your face hurt badly, the laughter mixed with wheezing was painful, but it was all you could do to convince yourself this was a lie.

“Omega has… deleted them in exchange for the Electro Gnosis.” You looked at him blankly, the former emotion on your face gone.

“Deleted? Deleted from this world? From existence?” Your tone got higher and higher as you continued speaking. You didn’t even know Omega had the ability to do that. Or that the segments could be erased in the first place. Dottore just nodded in response. 

“But- but why? Surely t-there was another way?” Your voice was on the verge of breaking into tears.

“He wanted to show respect to the God of-”

“Respect? To a God, of all people?” You hissed, bubbles of anger surfacing now through your agony. “He’s a Harbinger, is he not? And he’s stronger than that God! He- he could have easily found another way! He didn’t have to DELETE the segments! Another method HAD to have been possible! Did he even try to negotiate?!” Hot tears ran down your cheeks as you raised your voice at him. It took everything it had in you not to fully scream. You began to pace back and forth, hand covering your already tear-streaked face, whole body shaking. Your husband could only watch.

Dottore wasn’t thrilled with Omega deleting all his segments either, with the endless resources that went into creating them, but what’s done was done. And both the Electro and Dendro Gnoses were acquired. But you? You were on the verge of hysterics. He had never, not once, seen you like this. 

You had come to a stop, head buried into your arm as you braced against the wall. Oh, the segments were gone forever. They were never coming back. You could only imagine how they must have been in their last moments. That they only had a few more moments to live. You couldn’t bring yourself to think about what Zandy must have thought in his last few seconds.

And what’s more, the segments had disappeared into… nothingness. There was no trace, no remains of their bodies whatsoever. And although seeing their bodies on the floor would have certainly destroyed you, perhaps this was even a worse fate. Because it was as if they never existed at all. You couldn’t even hold their bodies one last time, or give them a proper farewell. They were just… gone. Oh, how you wished you could have at least been there in their last moments, to provide some comfort, some love, some sense of peace. The more you thought about it, the countless memories with them flowing through your mind, the weaker your violently shaking body became as you struggled to hold yourself up. Dottore instantly noticed and, worrying about your frail condition, walked up to you before you spat out at him.

“Do not come near me.” Out of all the centuries Zandik has spent with you, he has never been on the receiving end of much anger from you. Rather, it was you who dealt with that from him. But this wasn’t just anger. It felt like venom.

“Why…” You pulled yourself up once again before glaring at him with teary eyes. “Why didn’t you stop him, Zandik? You could have, couldn’t you? They didn’t have to die…!”

There was only one answer the Harbinger could provide, even though he knew you would not like it. “It was necessary to obtain the Electro and Dendro Gnoses for the Fatui.” To this, you could only laugh again once more before digging your nails into your palms so hard it hurt.

“I see. I see…” You mumbled brokenly before stepping off to the side, your steps still unsteady and wobbly as you nearly tripped. Dottore once again tensed up, body wanting to move to support you, but the look on your face made him decide against it. You then walked past him, not sparing another look at him before exiting the corridor, tears still silently running down your face. He could only watch you as you left him standing, wondering about many things yet nothing at all.

—

“From that day, there was a drastic shift in the butterfly and raven’s relationship. The butterfly was indescribably hurt by the loss of the other ravens, and could not bear the pain. It was the first time the raven had ever been subjected to such cold treatment by his lover. Usually, it was the other way around. And it seemed like fixing this would not be easy.”

Dottore thought that if he gave you some space, you’d cool off soon enough.

He thought wrong.

You had flat-out been ignoring Dottore since the day the segments were erased. And not just refusing to talk to him. You didn’t even want to be in the same space as him. If he came into your room, you would just leave. As soon as he opened his mouth, you were gone. In order to give you your meds, he had to wait until you were sleeping to slip in, because of the way you were acting. When it was time to eat, he had to leave the meal outside your door, otherwise, you wouldn’t eat. That is if you even took it. The grief made it hard for you to do a lot of things, which made it imperative for him to help, but you didn’t want it. You were distraught, but you were angry too. Why? 

Because you truly loved the segments.

Dottore did not. He did not feel the same connection as you did. So he was at a loss. He didn’t know what to do to resolve this. Apologize? No, he suspected even if he did, it wouldn’t mean anything, because you’d know he didn’t fully mean it, and it wouldn’t bring the segments back anyway. Comfort you? You wouldn’t allow him to hold you or talk to you. Il Dottore did not know what should be done.

Omega received similar treatment when finally returned from Sumeru, the Gnoses in hand. Normally, you would be waiting at the entrance whenever he returned from expeditions. This time, however, you were not, which he supposed he should have expected. You didn’t want his stories. His gifts. No, all you needed to know was that he deleted the segments. They were gone because of him, and you didn’t want to see him right now.

Omega was not a human. He was a segment. Though, that didn’t mean that he couldn’t feel emotions. He did - when it came to you. But Omega was a selfish segment. Selfish when it came to a lot of things, you included. And selfishness and emotions do not bode very well, as it becomes… a convoluted mixture.

The segment thinks of himself as a patient man. He knows how to wait, and wait, and wait until it pays off. He can do that for you, too. Wait for you to come back to your senses. After all, they were just segments, right? And the superior one, the best one of them all was still here - him. So surely you won’t be like this for too long.

Just like his creator, he was proven wrong. He learned the depth of your anger a day he tried reaching out to you, wanting to put this whole situation behind. But you certainly didn’t share the same sentiment. It was like any other day, him talking to you and you walking away, but this time he reached out for you. The segment unconsciously longed for your touch, your affection, that was once so commonplace.

But as soon as you felt his fingers brush yours, you slapped Omega’s hand away with a scowl. You didn’t need to say anything. That one action spoke everything you wanted to.

You would never view him the same ever again.

—

“And so the butterfly found themselves drowning and suffocating in grief. Their whole life had been changed, the creatures who helped them through so much were now gone. But that would not be the last of the butterfly’s sorrow.”

You had been giving the cold shoulder to Zandik and Omega for a long time. Considering how clingy and affectionate you were before, they didn’t even know you had it in you. But now, it was as different as night and day. However, it wasn’t as much as it was before, because you still had to rely on them in order to live. Despite how much you didn’t want to, without them, you’d be dead. They were the ones who had to administer your medicine and give you check-ups so your condition wouldn’t get worse (although it already happened after the segments were deleted.) It was funny how easily progress could be reversed. How one thing, one random day, could change everything.

So eventually you had to let them in a bit. Most of the time you just ignored them and rarely spoke. Even during the checkups and shots, you had your head turned the other way the whole time. They would still attempt to talk to you, in hopes you would even grace them with a “yes” or “no” rather than the rare nod of your head. But it wasn’t very fruitful. 

Another habit of yours now was that if you weren’t in your room, you were most likely in a segment’s room crying. Especially Zandy’s. Clutching his plushies. Or maybe Alpha’s. Trying to fix up the parts he left lying on his desk. Or Beta’s. Going into his closet to wear his coat. Dottore knew better than to clean out their rooms because you would most likely snap at him again.

You didn’t have much energy to do anything else but lay in your room, blankly staring at the ceiling all day, your head a foggy, grief-filled mess. It did not feel good… you hated the feeling… but what else should you do…? You just wished you could feel the warmth of your segments… the seemingly annoyed but secretly delighted posture of Alpha as you held him from behind. The bitey nature of Beta that didn’t let you go once you were in his clutches. The small, clingy body of Zandy as he cuddled into your body, sweet dreams blessing him instead of the nightmares. But you could only dream about those things now.

Even the regular Fatui agents had noticed this development. The lovey-dovey nature of Il Dottore’s spouse was now reduced to this. You heard them speak about it.

“Have you noticed? Lord Dottore has been far more irritable lately.”

“Oh yeah, both Omega and Prime! I feel bad for those who have to work directly with them…. At least my job is just standing at this door all day.”

“I know. They always were terrifying, but it seems even worse now. Ugh, and now there’s even more work for us since all the segments are gone.”

“Do you know why? Has Lord Pantalone decreased his budget again?”

“Yeah, it’s kind of obvious…” The agent lowered his voice to a whisper. “His spouse, [Name], has been giving them the silent treatment for ages now. Don’t tell anyone this but, I believe that our great Harbinger, Lord Il Dottore… is feeling the effects of this. I’ve never seen them act like this!”

“Is that so? Speaking of, I don’t think I’ve seen them around here very much.”

“Well yes… if you were here for as long as I have been, you’d normally see them all over the lab but, they tend to stay locked up in their room nowadays. And Lord Dottore as well, he doesn’t leave his office much either. Omega seems to take care of much of the outward responsibilities.”

So that was what it was like. You got your answer to if Dottore missed you. You wondered how many people accidentally became his test subjects due to his rising temper because of you. But though it may not have looked like it, not speaking to your husband was hurting you tremendously as well. Because at the end of the day… he was your love, your life. He was your Zandik, the one who meant everything to you. The one who went through everything and anything with you. He was the only one you had… you still loved him, terribly so. Maybe that was a bigger weakness than your illness.

But that didn’t mean you were any less mad at him.

Omega, on the other hand… ah, you didn’t even know what to think anymore… you were so conflicted, it was so hard to even think… when you said you loved all the segments, that included him too. But he deleted all of them… you hated him… but did you love him too? No, you should continue to hate him, he was the selfish one… Zandy was gone because of him… you couldn’t forgive him! So you didn’t forgive him. The days continued the same as always. 

Until one fateful day.

Omega was set to head out on a mission. Which was quite unusual nowadays, because ever since the clones were deleted, he couldn’t afford to leave Snezhnaya with all the work that had to be done. All you had heard was that the blonde-haired traveler would be there too, from all the whispering around the lab.

But what did it matter to you? Whether the segment was here or not, it was the same to you. His whereabouts were surely not of concern to you, so you had no feelings on this. Though the night before he was set to leave, he knocked on your door anyway. You immediately pulled the blankets over your face and curled to the side of the bed so you wouldn’t see Omega. The door shut with a click and his boots sounded against the floor.

“Hello, [Name]. I’m sure you’ve heard by now that I am leaving soon. It is another critical mission for the Fatui, and I suspect the Traveler will be there once again.” He didn’t receive a response from you, which he expected. “But I’m sure this is of no interest to you, anyway.” He guessed right, you thought, you didn’t care. However, even after saying what he had to say, he did not leave. A silence overtook the room as neither of you moved or spoke. But then Omega called your name, with another short silence coming after it before he spoke once more.

“I will not ask for your forgiveness, because I know I will not receive it, nor will I apologize, because I believe I took the right course of action. But…” Omega paused, “I still hold you fondly. I still…” He reached his hand out to your covered body but drew it back before his fingertips could brush you.

“I hope we will be able to talk more once I return.” He seemed to wait a few more seconds, perhaps hoping you would stay something, hoping he could at least see your face before he left, but to no avail. All you heard was the retreating footsteps and the click of your door shutting once more. You pulled the blankets off so you could breathe properly again, as you thought about his words.

What should you do? You didn’t know. The segments had passed quite a while ago, and the pain was still fresh in your heart, but Omega… ugh… perhaps, maybe, just maybe, you could try talking to him once more. Only an attempt. If you didn’t like how it felt, you’d stop. And he wasn’t returning from the mission for a few months, so you had ample time to make your decision anyway.

But Omega never returned.

The next few months flew by quickly, and though Omega had not returned yet, you thought nothing of it. Something must have come up that delayed his return. It’s happened before, it probably happened again. That was until you noticed groups of Fatui huddled together murmuring in the lab. As soon as they saw you, they went back to work and shut up their little gossip quickly, which was very strange. Now you really needed to know what was going on, so you decided to silently eavesdrop on the next pair you found. But you would have never thought of the words you heard next.

Omega had been killed by the Traveler. 

Omega was dead.

Omega wasn’t coming back.

You would never see him ever again. The realization made your body weak as you stumbled back, having to cling to the wall for support. He was gone… the tears immediately sprang to your eyes, as you covered your mouth to keep your sobs down. Omega killed the other segments. Maybe a part of you should feel glad. But no, all you felt was red-hot grief and pain, as you crashed into the nearest random room, and cried, and cried, and cried.

If you knew that was the last time you would see him, you wouldn’t have acted like that…

You wonder why things had to turn out like this.

—

“The butterfly never truly recovered from their loss, but as they say, time heals all wounds.”

After Omega died, you didn’t have the energy to be mad anymore. You were just tired. Tired of everything. Everything felt like a chore. Though you saw your husband more often now. Since there were no more segments, and Dottore obviously wouldn’t trust even the best Fatui doctors with you, he was the one who did all the usual medical stuff for you now.

Admittedly, his touch felt nice. It felt good. It felt like exactly what you needed right now. Comfort. So you gave in. When he had finished the usual procedure, as he turned his back on you, you reached out and wouldn’t let go of his hand. Dottore stiffened from the contact - it had been a while since you’d touched him so intimately - but you didn’t let go, and only weakly tugged him closer, which he complied to. You couldn’t bring your eyes to meet his, instead blankly staring at his shoes, but he seemed to get the message anyway. Tentatively, he wrapped his arms around you to gauge your reaction, and when he saw no resistance, he pulled you into his chest and held you. You missed this feeling. You missed Zandik.

And maybe you were scared he would leave you too.

Things continued like that for a while. You’d seek your husband out for his touch. His presence. His voice. Anything that would bring you some peace. Though you still remained mostly silent during these times. You just didn’t know what to say. Sometimes you wondered if he was mad at you. Annoyed. Disappointed. You didn’t want to know though. You were content with the fact that Zandik would hold you in his lap even at the wildest hours of the night.

But now, it had been some time since Omega’s death and even longer since the other segments were erased.

You weren’t quite ready to move on, no, not yet, but it was inevitable. Or perhaps you would never truly move on, instead, they would always be a part of you. You’d always carry them with you. But regardless, you needed to try, at least for Zandy. You think he’d want you to try and smile more often. You were speaking a bit more to your Harbinger friends again, and finding some enjoyment in your hobbies. Not to mention your relationship with Zandik was becoming better again. He had still been there, even when your illness and grief had you at your worst, with no complaints. Even though he had nothing to gain from this relationship. Even though you had become someone different. He had always loved you.

But there was still a rift caused by everything that had happened, that you wanted to fix. Because at the end of the day, in this world, you two only had each other. So you decided to talk to him about it. You had a habit of this, just waltzing into his office without knocking, and came upon Dottore who had a small box in his hand, appearing to gaze at whatever was in it, before he quickly snapped it shut at your sudden arrival. You recognized that box. It was the one where he kept his wedding ring in. So he still had it like that after all these years. You pretended like you didn’t see it as he swiftly put it away.

“[Name].”

“Zandik. Are you busy right now?”

“No.” Both of you knew that was a lie. The Second Harbinger was always busy. You knew for a fact he was stretched thin, especially since he wasted so much time taking care of you along with his Fatui duties, which piled up quickly with no more segments.

“Alright… can we talk?”

“Of course.” Zandik had been especially attentive to your words lately. Perhaps because he missed the times you would talk his ear off.

“I want to make something clear.” Zandik looked at you curiously as you took a deep breath. Many possibilities raced through his head.

“I still love you, Zandik.”

Well, he certainly wasn’t expecting that, and you could tell, even though his expression did not betray his thoughts.

“You already know the reason I’m…” Your voice trailed off, not wanting to say the words aloud, but you continued. “But I… appreciate you for staying by me. For all these centuries, through everything. It’s been a… very long time. And although things are different now, I want us to be… happy again. It might not be immediately but… it’s because I love you, Zandik.” You swallowed, at the end, your voice growing a bit softer. Ah, you hoped that wasn’t too sentimental. Zandik’s expression was blank so you couldn’t tell what he was thinking.

“So yeah, that’s all… I guess.” All of a sudden, the silence that followed made you embarrassed, and you wanted to leave there as quickly as possible. “Okay, I-I’ll let you do your work now.” And then you hastily made your exit and left the Harbinger alone, before he started chuckling to himself. He’d expect nothing less from you, his dear, darling spouse.

Though he wonders if you realize time is irrelevant for him. He’ll wait for you as long as it takes.

—

“One thing about the raven and the butterfly that would never change was that they were wholly intertwined with each other. Their fates were one. So even if they happened to go their separate ways, they would inevitably return to one another again.”

It was actually quite scary how fast time flew. From the time you woke up, to marrying Dottore, to the segments passing, to right now… it felt like a blur. You guess, now that your life span was no longer that of a regular human’s, time was starting to skew a bit for you. Well, you were just excited to spend decades more, even centuries with him.

Throughout all the years that had passed since that day, you found yourself falling more and more in love with Zandik again. You suppose that should be normal for a married couple but, it never ceased to amaze you how one man could make you feel like this.

Something that had become somewhat of a habit for the two of you was dancing. Yes, dancing. It had come up during one of your wedding anniversaries. To be honest, neither of you really did or planned anything special for the day. Perhaps there was a bit more kissing along with other affectionate activities, but you two didn’t look at it as something that big. First, because you didn’t want to waste his already precious time, but also because you knew from the beginning the wedding anniversaries would be countless. So every anniversary was more of something you expected, so it was nothing too big to celebrate, especially as people who lived this long… if that made sense. And Dottore… was Dottore after all. Never one to care much for dates.

But on one anniversary you were reminded of how you two danced during the wedding. Your clumsy steps as Dottore guided you through it all, and you wanted to relive that, so he indulged you. And funnily enough, you were a lot better! Your steps weren’t as unsteady and your body didn’t ache as much. Dottore’s feet didn’t get assaulted by yours too much. Even Dottore was pleasantly surprised. It probably had to do with the fact that although you weren’t cured yet, your health had been up on an upward curve. Of course, never the best but, much better than you first were. You were proud of yourself for making it this far.

So now, when you had time, you found yourself rehearsing your steps with him and your husband twirling you around. Perhaps one day you could reach his level.

You found that there were days that reminded you of the Akademiya. Where you could help him with his notes and research like a real assistant would. Obviously, it still wasn’t the best but it was something, and you could see that Dottore liked it. These days often came with you teasing him with embarrassing memories from the Akademiya.

“I still remember when you got motion sickness from piloting that ruin golem, Zandik.”

“For the last time, I did not get motion sickness, [Name].”

“Mhm, sure. If I didn’t drag you out, you would have-”

“That is enough from you.”

You found that there were more days he would take you out into the Snezhnayan winters (you were bundled up to the max) so you could finally see the snow. You found yourself attending your first balls at the Tsaritsa’s palace, as Dottore was now forced to attend himself rather than his segments. He didn’t want to leave you by yourself in the dreary lab so… you were often his plus one, where you spent the evening poking fun at him with Columbina. (You also were the one who publicly took sweets to-go from the parties for him so he wouldn’t get judged.)

And perhaps your favorite memory was when he took you back to Sumeru - yes, to another country - so you could witness the Akademiya Extravaganza festival. He, of course, had no interest in it, but you being you and loving fun things absolutely did. Many things happened, including meeting the Traveler… but that story was for another day.

All in all, you always knew this but, you found that no matter how many years passed, no matter what Il Dottore has done, no matter the amount of sins and wrongfulness he has committed… you were hopelessly in love with him. From the time he was that perpetually irritated but in love student from the Akademiya to his current self, the Harbinger that was a stark contrast to his former self but still possessed you for himself.

Sure, it was a bit lonely at times compared to before, but all the tender moments throughout the years made you happy to have Zandik in your life. Which is why you foolishly thought these times would last forever.

When Dottore told you he was leaving Snezhnaya, and therefore the lab, and therefore you, it jolted you right up from your sleepy daze on his lap.

“What?!” The word came out as a half yell, half-whisper. “What do you mean you’re leaving Snezhnaya?”

“It means I’m leaving Snezhnaya, dear,” he continued on his paperwork (which never seemed to end) as if this was common knowledge. “The mission needs a Harbinger to oversee it, and the task falls to me this time.” 

You were devastated. There were times when Dottore only had to leave the lab for a few days to attend to matters in different parts of Snezhnaya. (You spent the time at Columbina’s mansion because oddly enough, she always seemed to be there… how did she manage to shirk her duties so often?) But this was completely different. He would be so far out of reach, for a long time probably too. Foreign missions always took a while. You remember how long you had to wait for the segments to return from them.

“Okay, then I’ll come with you!”

“No, you’re not,” he immediately shut down your proposition. “Missions are still far too dangerous with your current state. You will stay in Snezhnaya, and wait for me to come back.” You knew when he used that tone, things were final, and you hung your head low, all sleepiness gone at the fact you wouldn’t be seeing him for months. Sure, you would be staying with Bina as usual but, you had a feeling it’d be hard to replace the rush of emotions Dottore gave you on a daily basis. 

Dottore noticed your dour expression, which he obviously expected, and sighed, setting down his pen. At this point, it was a sort of routine that he had memorized, comforting you and all. Although comfort would never be something he was adept in, years of doing it had let him become somewhat proficient. 

“[Name],” he moved his hand to guide your chin up so you could look at him. You were pouting. “These few months, or even less, depending on how quickly the work gets done, will only be a blink of an eye in the grand scheme of things. I’ll be back before you know it,” he hummed. Although he certainly was not pleased about leaving you by yourself for so long, such was the life of a Fatui Harbinger. It was at times like these he missed his segments. (Did that sound selfish? Well, he was a selfish man when it came to you.)

A drop in eternity, huh? Well, when he puts it like that, then maybe it would be just a bit bearable. And, when you think about it, he’s waited over four hundred years for you, all alone. So this little challenge couldn’t be too hard, right?

“Alright… I’ll wait for you, Zandik.”

“Good,” he chuckled at how easy it was to win you over sometimes and stroked your cheek. “In the meantime, you can work on the recipe you’ve been vehemently hiding from me and show me when I’m back.” You immediately brightened at that.

“Oh yeah! I promise you’re going to like these sweets better than the ones at the bakery!” You proudly declared.

“Oh? Now that’s a high standard you’ve set yourself to, dear. Are you sure you’re going to be able to live up to it?”

“Hmph, don’t underestimate me. My baking skills have improved over the years!”

The banter always made you two feel like regular humans, despite what you two really were.

—

“The days went by peacefully for the lonely butterfly, but soon that feeling was shattered when they learned of a golden comet’s presence near their raven.”

The days in Columbina’s mansion went by rather uneventfully. Surprisingly enough, she wasn’t home as often as usual. It seemed like the Fatui were really stepping up their business now. You’d have to ask Dottore about that. Maybe the day Celestia is defeated was closer than you thought. But today was a day Bina had some time to indulge in cakes and conversation with you. The chit-chat was mundane but brought a sense of comfort until the conversation somehow ended up with Dottore as the topic. Your friend always liked teasing you about him. Everything was lighthearted and sweet until she idly mentioned his mission.

“I wonder how your Doctor is doing on the mission~”

“Well, I’m sure he’ll be fine. He’s Dottore after all.”

“Mhm, that’s right. I do wonder how he plans to deal with the Traveler though.” The mention of the blonde’s name nearly made you drop your teacup.

“W-What?” Your voice cracked as you implored your friend to tell you more. You were now realizing that you neglected to ask Dottore what the mission exactly was, and he did not reveal the contents as well, probably because he knew you’d freak even more if you knew he was most likely going to confront the Traveler. Columbina looked confused.

“Dear, did he not tell you?”

“No! I- ah, he only told me he has a mission in another nation, I guess it slipped my mind to ask him the details!” You now had your hand clutched to your head and another one trying to soothe your now rapidly beating heart. A naive and very stupid part of you thought it wouldn’t have to come to this, but it already did, so quickly too. 

Why were you so particularly scared? It was because all you could think of was Omega’s death by the Traveler’s hand, as well as your fellow colleagues. You knew that Dottore was far stronger than any of them but… you were in a panic. All the worst possible scenarios began invading your mind relentlessly.

“[Name], calm down. Dottore is strong. We do not even know if it will end in a battle or not, but regardless of the outcome, he is smart enough to-” Bina attempted to comfort you before you interrupted her and abruptly stood up.

“I need to go.”

“Go? Go to Dottore, dear?”

“Yes. Yes, I need to see him. I need-” Your words were becoming a jumbled mess from the anxiety this piece of news caused. “I need to see him in person if he’s okay.”

“You do not think you should think about this some more? I suspect the Doctor will not be happy if he sees you there, even if it’s you of all people.”

“It doesn’t matter. If I stay here, all I’ll be able to think about is him.” You could already see yourself losing sleep and appetite over this. “But as long as I can see him okay… even if he’s angry, I can deal with it. Anything is better than being over here helpless!” Columbina watched you silently.

“Alright. Be ready in a few days.” You looked at her in surprise.

“Bina? You’re helping me? You’re not going to… stop me?”

“Dear [Name], I will not get in the way of a decision you’ve made for yourself. If this is what you’ve decided, then it is my duty as your friend to assist you as I’ve done in the past. And perhaps this will teach the Doctor a lesson to stop withholding information from you,” the Harbinger sighed.

“…Thank you, Columbina.” You’d have to repay her sometime later.

—

“The raven and the butterfly found themselves reunited again at long last, and would stay together like that forever.”

It was funny you found yourself back here, your home country. It seems like you two were always drawn back here, despite no longer being welcomed. But that didn’t really matter too much, because as soon as the boat you were on pulled into the port, it was clear that today was not a normal day in Sumeru City.

You were too late. 

The fight had clearly already begun, probably only recently too, by the chaotic state of Sumeru. Obviously, it’d be out of order if there were two immensely powerful beings in battle with each other. Maybe, if you were just a bit sooner… but you already had your mind set. Although the Fatui agent entrusted with your safety was ready to head back already, his orders to not let you come to any danger, you just tranquilized him. (It was a courtesy device from Dottore in case he wasn’t near.)

And you ran. Was that a good idea considering your illness? Absolutely not, but desperate times called for desperate measures. Was it a good idea to walk into the middle of a battle? Also no, but you couldn’t shake the bad feeling you had this whole time. 

Although it was far away, it was easy to spot the place, as for one there were Fatui swarming the area and also regular citizens running in the opposite direction. Though your lungs were absolutely burning, your knees weak and scraped from tripping, tired from bumping into others, illness flaring up even worse from the added stress and exertion, you continued ahead with only one goal. To see your husband.

Throughout your haggard walking, you thought of the future. You thought of how great it would be to see Teyvat change in the next four hundred years just as he did. And this time, Dottore would not have to witness it by himself. He would have you. It would be amazing, just thinking of all the variety of new inventions and such that would be created! You two would surely dissect them and put them back together for fun. You two would do a lot of things, you think, as you finally made it to the door of the grand building the fight was in. It was already rather damaged, but the door managed to remain mostly intact, so you pushed it open.

Just in time to see the Traveler land the final fatal hit to Zandik, his body landing on the floor with a painful thud.

Your worst nightmare had become reality. But… Zandik told you he’d return to you in no time…

Suddenly, all the will you had before was gone in an instant. You didn’t have the energy or focus to call out his name. All you could do was blankly stare at his defeated body while taking some hesitant steps forward, all while mumbling something incoherent under your breath. The Traveler, despite their exhaustion, noticed you and immediately readied their sword again. But, they soon realized that there was no need for that from the exceedingly dull look in your eyes and the way you tripped over yourself again, landing on the floor, reaching out your hand towards the Doctor. You had to make it to him.

You pathetically dragged your body closer to Zandik, every part of it screaming out in part for you to stop. But you didn’t care. You could take it. After all, you knew the pain would soon be over. The Traveler merely watched you, still a bit on edge for what you could do, but you didn’t care. You didn’t care about anything besides Zandik, so you continued inching your body to your husband before you finally reached him. His body was practically motionless, his face revealed as his mask was destroyed to the side somewhere. When you came into view, a flicker of surprise came across his face but it quickly morphed into one of acceptance.

“You’re not supposed to be here.” You half-laughed at that.

“I could say the same to you…” Your voice had dropped to a soft, defeated one. Huffing and panting, you used your last remaining strength to pull yourself up and kneel, tenderly bringing your husband’s head onto your lap. He did not resist. It wasn’t like he had the strength to anyway. “You didn’t tell me you were going to be here, either.”

“It was not necessary… at the time,” Zandik said, looking right at you the whole time with those red eyes of his. “But I suppose I should have expected this. You never do as you are told, do you?”

“Of course not. But you should remember that whenever I break the rules, things turn out fine for us.” You smiled, and you had a feeling both of you were thinking of the same memories. That time you helped him break into the Akademiya’s library when it was closed, or the time you threw a book at someone for him, or the time you two helped each other on what was supposed to be solo assignments. Or the times you ran away from his needles and medicine, or the times you went behind his back and befriended the others. Those times ended out okay, so this time would be okay too.

Then, the building began to rumble, most likely about to collapse. The battle must have been quite fierce. Although the Traveler felt no remorse for the two of you, their kind heart still couldn’t help but feel the slightest twinge of pity. After all, the blonde had read the notes the two of you left scattered around Sumeru. To think that a relationship could last so long, especially one with the mad Doctor… You noticed their expression before you rasped out a mixture of a plea and demand.

“Why are you still here? Leave us now. I want to be alone with him.” Your words were empty of emotion towards them. There was no point in any hostility anymore, not when you had to treasure the last moments with your beloved. The Traveler didn’t seem surprised by your words, as they nodded and threw the bloodied Harbinger one last glance, before running away with the little fairy. It seemed they knew… you’d rather die here along with him than live without him.

You looked back at Zandik’s face, his once brightly colored red eyes now a darkened hue.

“I’ve failed you, [Name].” Since it was the end of the line now, even a genius scholar such as him had to admit defeat. Dottore thought back to all the times he swore to cure you. He swore he would do it so that you could be who you used to be once more. But he failed. He let you lose centuries of your life and left you in pain for your conscious ones. But you didn’t seem to share the sentiment.

“Failed me?” You couldn’t help but laugh at that, despite the tears that began to run down your cheeks. “Oh darling, you have never failed me. Not once in over four hundred years.” Zandik continued to stare at you because that was all the strength he had to do, so you reached for his hand and brought it to your cheek.

“You’ve loved me continuously for so many centuries, haven’t you? How could that ever be a failure?” You nuzzled into his hand, his own blood beginning to smear on your face, but you didn’t care. 

“Your love has changed so much over time. From your prickly and thorny yet beautiful love from the Akademiya. To your smooth and unabashed love now. But your love was unfaltering, to me at least. Perhaps I may be delusional, and I overthink how much you love me. But I think it was real, even though you may never admit it, that is what matters to me. So if you’re thinking about the cure, forget it.” Your hands were shaking and struggling to hold his to your cheek for this long, energy spent, but you continued anyway, even as a piece of the infrastructure suddenly caved in and collapsed on the opposite side of the room with a loud crash. “The cure isn’t what mattered. It was you.”

Zandik thinks you are the only person who has forgiven him. Not even he has. He knows he does not deserve it, but he shouldn’t say that to you now. But he thinks, even at this moment, perhaps it may seem sick or morbid, your beauty still manages to surpass that of any other being in Teyvat.

You thought about the Tsaritsa, who had shown you much love and kindness. You hoped she would finally achieve her goals. You thought about the other Harbingers, the ones who were still alive at least. You would miss them. You looked at your wedding ring. It was still intact. How lovely. Lastly, you thought about Zandik as you looked at him, and he seemed to realize something.

“[Name], reach into my pocket.” You were confused but you complied, wincing in pain a bit but successfully reached it and pulled out a box. It was the box he kept his wedding wing in. Popping it open, you were correct, and still couldn’t help but be a bit incredulous.

“You brought it with you?” You were surprised because a part of you still believed he thought the whole thing was a bit dumb.

“I normally do not but, with the length of the mission, I believed it would be a simple and easy way to be reminded of you.” That was cute.

“Sorry. I guess the good luck charm didn’t work,” you smiled apologetically as you slipped the band onto his finger, to which Zandik scoffed.

“You know very well I do not believe in luck.” You only laughed, though it was mostly drowned out by multiple crashes and rocks falling all around you. Being buried was a fitting end, to be honest. No one else needed to know about the two of you. No one else needed to know your stories. It would be best if the two of you ended up forgotten, lost to time. Then, no one would be able to misunderstand or twist your relationship.

Despite all of the pains that had befallen you, the suffering and hardships, you could happily say you lived a good life. You were happy, so happy, thanks to Zandik. Zandik was what made this life worth living… so this was okay. You would have loved to have been cured and lived out many more happy memories with him but… this was alright. But the time was limited, so this conversation needed to be wrapped up in a way that would satisfy you.

“I love you, Zandik.” You don’t expect any response back because of your husband’s poor track record with saying those words. 

The times Zandik has said the words ‘I love you’ have admittedly been scarce and in-between despite the centuries he’s spent with you. It was a grand total of… two times. And both had been said when he thought you were sleeping. 

The first time had been in the Akademiya. It had been a while since you two were a couple, and he had yet to say it. You expected that obviously. But one random night, when you two were cuddling and drifting off into dreamland, you heard the three words mumbled into the crook of your neck. It took everything in you not to react.

The second time had been when you had recently woken up from your coma. Dottore was around you constantly, taking so many tests that it made your head spin, and you had to take naps more often than not. And once again, as you were just about to slip off into slumber, you heard the three words whispered as he gently bit your ear.

Surprisingly enough, the third time would be now. Perhaps because he had nothing to lose anymore, as it was the end.

“I love you as well, [Name].” Your eyes go wide for a few seconds before you grin widely one last time, and you give him a look that says ‘I know.’ Zandik watched your eyes flutter shut as you leaned down to his face, and he let himself be enveloped in your final kiss, neither of you paying attention to the shadows cast by the multitude of broken architecture about to fall on top of you.

Let the fairy tale come to a close.

—

“In his last moments, the raven was taken back to a memory from centuries ago. It was a memory where he was truly happy with his lovely sparrow.”

Zandik awoke to a blue sky and a gentle breeze. He blinked, immediately trying to gauge where he was. But then the sound of a familiar voice flooded his senses.

“And you know what this professor had the audacity to say to me, Zandik? ‘Figure it out!’ Like, you’re supposed to be helping me, not writing me off! You’re getting paid for this!” You were lying down on the grass next to him, hands folded as you huffed. “At least I have you, Zandik. Way better than any damn professor.” He blinks at you. 

Zandik remembers this moment. It was the day when exams and classes were finally over, and you wanted to relax before helping him with his experiments. And you also thought it was the perfect time to rant about all the professors you had to deal with over the last few months. But soon, you just started bringing up random things that occurred over the term. Zandik couldn’t remember the last time he saw you like this. Donning the Akademiya uniform, so happy and carefree… healthy, strong, like nothing in the world bothered you.

He found himself slightly smiling at how stupidly happy you looked, before reaching out to you. But as soon as merely his fingernails came into contact with you, you began to dissolve right in front of his eyes. Immediately, he stiffened and sat up, again trying to take hold of you but you were no longer there. Zandik’s hands began to shake, and that’s when he realized his surroundings were changing.

The blue sky was now fading away, becoming pitch black along with everything else that was chipping away, ready to swallow him whole into the darkness.

Ah, he understood now.

This was the end.

—

“Finally, the twisted raven met his fate.”

Or so he thought. Zandik woke up once more. Everything seemed normal at first, the blue sky was once again there and the Sumerian breeze caressed his hair. Until he realized there was a sticky substance coated all over his hands.

Blood.

This wasn’t an unfamiliar occurrence for him, after all, he would usually get hands-on with his experiments, but he had an… odd feeling about this. Zandik blinked and all of a sudden, there you were lying on the ground in front of him.

Dead. Coated with blood.

Did he… kill you?

All too quickly, before he could reach out to hold your body or begin to process what happened, he was suddenly somewhere else. The desert.

Zandik laid eyes upon you. What he would usually see was you complaining about the heat while you dug through the ruins. What he saw instead was an Eremite plunging a sword through you.

And again. This time he awoke to you being completely cold and limp in his arms. And again. It didn’t take his brain long for him to understand what was happening.

His victims and test subjects could torture him for eternity, yet Dottore would not feel bothered or a shred of remorse. It would be a useless endeavor. But this? This was the perfect punishment. 

His beloved being killed in front of him, by the world, by other people, by natural forces, by his own hands. And for all of the power and knowledge he once had, he was powerless to do anything yet again.

… How ironic, Zandik thought.

—

At last, the tiny Archon closed the storybook.

It had been ages since the events in this tale had taken place. The Fatui were no more, Celestia was gone, the Traveler had long left this world, and Teyvat was at peace. So much time, that the Outcast’s name no longer floated around the Akademiya, now long forgotten. The God of Wisdom herself had gained a tremendous amount of knowledge from all the years that had flown by. And even still, she has not forgotten this story.

Yet, in all of her wisdom, she still cannot hope to fully understand the raven and the sparrow. The Dendro Archon found herself coming back to this tale, trying to comprehend their actions and thoughts. She reads it aloud to herself, draws pictures, and crafts the tale with her own words, yet it only leaves her more lost. Perhaps one day she will understand. But perhaps she won’t. Perhaps no one ever will.

After all, there were only two people who would ever truly understand the bond between the raven and the sparrow. 

Zandik and [Name]. 

An unfriendly and cold scholar and a sweet and caring one.

An immoral villain and an accomplice.

A violator of this world’s laws and a supporter.

A Harbinger and an assistant.

Regardless of those titles, perhaps at the end of the day, they only saw themselves as one thing to each other.

Two people who loved each other as if nothing else mattered.

[crownmemes]

Planet of the Apes Sentences

(Sentences from Planet of the Apes (1968). Adjust phrasing where needed)

"You wanted to live forever, didn't you? Well, you damn near made it."

"Okay, you read me well enough, but why can I read you?"

"I can't help thinking that somewhere in the universe, there has to be something better than man. There has to be."

"You're supposed to be the optimist here!"

"Look at the bright side: if this is the best they've got around here, in six months, we'll be running this place."

"Do you have to work tonight? I don't."

"As you dig for artefacts, be sure you don't bury your reputation."

"You wouldn't hurt me, would you?"

"Maybe you are intelligent, but you're also crazy!"

"Why do you insist on provoking him?"

"How can scientific truth be heresy?"

"Touchy, aren't you?"

"Do you love me, I wonder?"

"Look at that! I taught you to smile!"

"Where there's one mutant, there's probably another, and another, and another. A whole nest of them!"

"Now look here, I'm in charge of this expedition!"

"I ought to thank you for saving me. You'll be in trouble for that."

"I've been in trouble since the moment we met."

"Somehow, it makes you look less intelligent."

"You are not in command here! Put down that gun!"

"How did you know I'd come here?"

"You're always giving orders, just like any other adult!"

"You can't trust the older generation!"

"They think you're behaving foolishly. I must say, I agree."

"Remember, never trust anybody over 30."

"I'd like to kiss you goodbye."

"All my life I've awaited your coming and dreaded it like death itself."

"You're afraid of me and you hate me. Why?"

"From the evidence, man's wisdom must walk hand in hand with his idiocy."

"Don't look for it. You may not like what you find."

"What I do, I do with no pleasure."

"Why must knowledge stand still? What about the future?"

[mdhwrites]

Amphibia's Ending is SOOOO Much Better Than People Made Me Believe

So I remember back in S2 when I watched "A Day at the Aquarium" expecting to be upset about the finale like a lot of the people I'd followed were when the finale came out. After all, with them being so close, why would they choose to leave? Could they really justify them just dropping the stones and moving on from these bonds they made?

And... That's what the story wants right then. But it was an assumption built off of false impressions that I want to talk about because the ending is REALLY smart in making its points. But to talk about an ending, I feel like I should bring up its beginning. This isn't always necessary but Amphibia actually includes what is effectively a primordial sin. A first failing that causes everything to happen.

A scared girl who is told that change is coming and that she must give up those she is closest to finds out that with some magic, she can make it all go away.

NEVER is this portrayed as having been the right thing to do. NEVER is the show about justifying Marcy's decision. Instead, the show's entire purpose... Is about letting go. It's about how the experiences we keep from others are more important than keeping those people beside us. Otherwise, controlling people, forcing them to be like you, the goals of Sasha and the Core, would be painted as correct. Chances to be together forever, doing whatever they want and never having to change.

So it ending with the trio having to say goodbye to the connections they've made is kind of the only way it COULD have ended. First is the fact that neither Sasha or Marcy would have accepted Anne dying at the start of the series. Anne would never have been willing to take such responsibility or sacrifice. She wouldn't have been willing to embrace such a painful change, just like how early on in the series she rejected the frogs and their culture outright.

And here is where we get my first misconception. I thought Anne was straight up given her second life for her deeds or because she made a deal that she'd be willing to be god if allowed to live her life. This is as much on me as anyone else but can we talk about the brilliance of Anne's resurrection? She's only saved to become a god. Theoretically, turning down the position is choosing to die again. It doubles down on how Anne has accepted change, no matter how dire. She even has good reason because like the Core said "Full of heart but dumb as rocks." She's made PLENTY of mistakes in this season, even as we've gotten to enjoy what a resplendent person she's grown up as. The fact that she's willing to admit that is beautiful, especially for any coming of age story.

And it's a good argument. One full of the sort of wisdom a god needs. So this bored cat of a god likes it. Likes it enough that without giving Anne a choice decides to let her get some more training before coming back to work for him. It's keeping in line with the explanation that he gave for the stones. He was CURIOUS about what mortals would do with ultimate power and was disappointed for TEN. THOUSAND. YEARS.

And here we get misconception two which I think is much more on the fandom. No one DECIDES to put the stones away. No one decides to cut off the worlds from each other. Hell, on the human side of things, one could argue that it's not closed, they just need a better power source since the music box just uses, well, music. No, the stones are gone because someone more powerful than them is tired of their trouble and removed them.

And so we're right back where we began. Having to be told to say goodbye and that you don't have the time to do it how you might. Yes, they technically have a choice to stay but let's actually talk about if any of them actually have a reason to want to be there.

ALL of the newts have only ever used Marcy (even when Yunan and Olivia save her, it's explicitly because of her mind, not because it's the right thing to do) and it took until she was STABBED for any of them to actually care about her with even basic humanity. This is not her world. And yes, her parents will force her to leave things behind but A: At least they were honest with her! And B:... Running from that choice hurt so many people before. Why would she choose that now? Why would she choose to suddenly claim to have learned nothing and considered herself right to have stranded them all there by stranding herself now?

Sasha may have made great connections but the point for her character is to give up control and prestige. She could live in this land as a hero and general, leading how things will be shaped, potentially in her image even... And it doesn't even cross her mind. She probably knows she has a lot to set right back on Earth. Besides, you know, there's just the basic fact that being literally the only human here would be a bit of an existential problem. It would still would also mean running away from finishing the work she needs to put in to become a better friend and mend the rifts between her, Anne and Marcy (I'll get to the ten year gap, bear with me).

And finally Anne. She has her parents to go back to. She does still prefer life on Earth, even if she came to love Amphibia. Hell, the fact that she does clearly prefer Earth, as showcased in S3A, actually makes her sacrifice MORE impactful because she's not doing this just because it's her home. She's doing it because she cares and because of the connections she's made.

But just like she was with the core, she is brave enough to say goodbye. Just because someone isn't right next to you doesn't mean they've left you. Honestly, in an age of constant communication, I love that. A reminder that you can take your time. You don't have to talk every day, do things together constantly, etc. like that just because you can. You are still your own person with your own life but you can carry the support and love those people gave/give you even when you're not face to face.

And so rather than run from change, they admit it's painful, they cry, they celebrate, they joke... And then they're gone. There is literally no better ending for this story than that.

It even follows through with the epilogue. Marcy, Anne and Sasha were codependent. S3 actually reinforces a lot that their negative traits are still there, or have new ones related to each other, even as they've grown. Anne still can't say no to people she cares about like with Sprig's Birthday and Give a Frog a Cookie. She still can't entirely trust that Sasha isn't self serving like in Sasha's Angels. She has scars that will take time to heal and change, just like she pointed out to Marcy in New Wartwood.

Sasha though has a whole NEW heap of issues though. She's gone from being controlling to subservient. Anne says jump, she'd say off what. She is terrified of making the same mistakes twice. She is constantly trying to seek forgiveness. That is NOT a healthy place to be as a person and it's almost entirely wrapped up around Anne. Them deciding they were okay with just staying in touch, rather than being on top of each other... is actually great.

Marcy doesn't have as much to say but she moved... And she figured out how to handle the human realm like she did Amphibia: Alone. Who she was and how to be herself rather than relying on Sasha and Anne or needing them.

But was ten years necessary? I mean... Kind of actually. If Anne STARTS the series turning thirteen, she still has this school year and 5 more to finish for primary school. Then since at least two of them sought degrees, you have four more years where Sasha and Anne might not have even been in the same state, let alone the same town, and Marcy MOVED. She literally couldn't come back unless the fates decreed until she was 18 and she might have chosen to persue an artistic degree so there's another 4 years for her.

Then one year after college to settle in, get the money for trips, etc. like that and... Yeah, ten years sounds about right because life's a bitch. Almost like that's one of the lessons of Amphibia. But as it also says: Those bad times don't need to be only bad. You never know what will come back to find you and be better than it ever was.

So yeah, I'm definitely not just in the camp that the Amphibia ending is good but that it almost couldn't be improved. Small things, mostly pacing wise, maybe but thematically and how it does those beats? Not really. Not when this is so focused on one goal.

And I'll take dedication to your concept over giving the audience a simple, happily ever after ANY day.

======+++++======

I have a public Discord for any and all who want to join!

I also have an Amazon page for all of my original works in various forms of character focused romances from cute, teenage romance to erotica series of my past. I have an Ao3 for my fanfiction projects as well if that catches your fancy instead. If you want to hang out with me, I stream from time to time and love to chat with chat.

And finally a Twitter you can follow too!

[ladytauria]

tauria hello!!! i have ask game questions for you!!! placing them in your inbox like a cat bringing you a dead mouse 💕

🌵🪐🦷🪲🌸

hahaha hi bean, thank u sm for the asks! i give you answers the same way i praise my cats for their hunting skills

🌵 → share the link to a playlist you love

I don't actually listen to a lot of playlists—or, well. I do, but generally I listen to those like. Either the aesthetic comps on youtube or ones I curated for me lmao. And um. I don’t have links for the latter shsjdjdj And the aesthetic ones get flagged all the time :/

UM but as an apology for the lack of an actual playlist, have this song that was the inspiration for me to finally put together a jaytim playlist: Gently Break It - Beck Pete

🪐 → name three good things going on in your life right now

I have wonderful friends who I love and enjoy talking to!

I made cookies today! Chocolate chip w toffee pieces. I remembered the brown sugar this time (I make them from a cake mix, lmao, bc it gives u more cookies than a cookie mix in my experience) and they came out nice and chewy :) I’m so happy it’s cooled off enough that baking doesn’t feel horrible

It’s getting cooler so I am much comfier and also my cat snuggles with me at night more instead of abandoning me for the hotter

🦷 → share some personal wisdom or a life hack you swear on

Uhhh, hm. Something writing focused: when I wrap up writing time for the day, if I don’t have an outline or if I’ve deviated from my plans too much, I try to write a summary of my intent/plans, just in case I’m not able to return to the WIP the next day.

🧩 → add 50 words to your current wip and share the paragraph here

this is a few more than 50 words, Imao, but I added some of the previous lines for context, lol. anyway, this is bruce/jaybin aob smut <3

He doesn't, because he wants gentleness for Jason, this first time. And many times after, too.

Wants him to know the luxury of soft touches in the most intimate of ways and places, to be spoiled and loved and shown all the ways he can be made to feel good.

Not, he thinks, that Jason will be content with that forever.

Not the way he runs headfirst into danger these days, as Robin. The drive to protect and teenage hormones run wild, fueling the anger long burning under his skin—

Yes, Bruce thinks it won't be too long at all before Jason brings all that pushing and testing and brashness here, too.

It is fortunately much easier to subdue a bratty omega than it is a righteous Robin.

🌸 → do you have any pets? if you do, post some pictures of them

I do! I have two lovely little kitties <3 I used to have three, but unfortunately I had to say goodbye to my oldest, Tauri, three months ago (she was 13)—I'm including a picture of her anyway though.

In order from left to right, this is Tauri, George, and Little Bit!

[ram-on]

whenyourbirdisbroken asked:

Hi ram-on! Thanks for your tags on that fic rec for Carry That Weight, I've never read that fic but your tags made it sound very interesting! What are other McLennon fics you like, if you don't mind sharing?

Hello there, @whenyourbirdisbroken! Thank you for my very first Beatles related ask and sorry for the late reply!! I discovered fanfiction through the Beatles fandom, I had never read fanfic before! But I'm still too bad at bookmarking things, so I'll certainly forget some I loved. Still, here's a list of those I can remember now:

Carry That Weight and its sequence Hello Goodbye by @waveofahand It's a massive work by a massive talent and it has a very special place in my heart. @idontwanttospoiltheparty described it very well in their recent post about it, and I added a bit of my commentary in the tags. Don't worry about the length, you don't have to read the two parts to enjoy it, but also if you start from the beginning and it's your cup of tea you may soon discover you never want it to end!

 Mums, Yur Boys are Crying by waveofahand. If you love hurt/comfort, this fic includes both John and Paul suffering - John's mom dying and Paul helping him go trhough the funeral, etc, and then Paul himself getting into another situation, and John worrying about him too. The boys are young but there's kindness, maturity and wisdom in it and the typical picturesque, novel-like features of waveofhand's prose. A special bonus are the very charming scenes between Mimi and Paul which may colour your perception of the interactions between those two forever (I always expect them to act like that in other fics). It's also a delightfully finished fic, it has a beautiful ending and conclusion.

Everything by merseydreams . As you may notice, I'm mostly a fan of drama and angst, but @merseydreams are my favorite exception. They're a comedy genius, their fics are romantic, charming, witty, very vivid and enjoyable both on story-buld level and micro-sentence level. I've often told them they should write scripts for sitcoms and romantic comedies/dramedies and other good things. Also good thoughtful characterization, relationship study-ing and dialogue too (so there's seriousness in them too! They're ultimately happy but not fluffy.). I love all their fics but I guess The Birthday Party is the best by being the longest, if you somehow missed it go read it ASAP! 

i was a younger man then (now) (post hoc)  by fingersfallingupwards.  This fic is so touching, that I don't know how to describe it. It's a very poetic, imaginative and unique story about John&Paul-forever and time travel. About the connection of their souls in a fantastical but poignant sense that somehow fits them so much. Might make you cry but it's worth it. Also, completely finished fic as well, with a thrilling emotional twist towards the end. Might be the most complete fic I've read. The fic also provide very good context for the flaming pie anecdote :-)

On our way back home by Kathleenishereagain. This one is also about time travel, but in a different way, basically about old Paul getting back to being young again and how he'd do things differently. I think it's quite popular so you probably all know it. (Funny thing is I never thought I'd care about time travel, but ultimately it's just a writing vessel and aren't we always time travelling when we fantasise about the Beatles?) 

Close The Door Lightly When You Go by RosalindBeatrice. Set in 1979 when Paul comes to visit John in the Dacota, who acts like he doesn't want him there. It's awesome, one of those fics, in which they have real tension and problems which makes it all more real. It's mostly inner-thoughs and dialogue-driven but very intense nontheless, great characterisation, great attention to detail, just fantastic for lovers of post break up relationship studies and excellent writing.

The Wild Horses trilogy, from which I especially love the last part, Son of a Shining Path. It's about young Paul and John and Paul being abused by his father, and the first part might be a bit too dark for some. But I love the writing, and especially in the third part (which has no abuse but other suffering) I just love how well being worried about someone you love and being unable to show it is written in the end there. It's subtle, very realistic in its details, I love it.

I'm Looking Through You by @idontwanttospoiltheparty That's the only fic in this list which is still a work in progress, still updated. If you follow the author on Tumblr you know how smart they are, and their fic is just as thoughtful and attentive to the Beatles history, the music and the psychology of it all. The story gets more exciting and rich whith each chapter, I fell in love with the last three. It also pays attention to all four of the Beatles and their human sides and motivations in a way that rarely happens. Last chapter included the best incorporation of the Manila adventures I've read in fic. Just many emotionally packed and thrilling scenes all around (also that thing I just wrote about being worried about someone and being frozen about how to help them which I love being written realistically in fics -- is here too.) Go read it if you haven't and let's read the next update soon together!!

Widow by abromeds on LJ. This story is more than a decade old, but it's no wonder it still appears in fic recs. It's about death and grief - not John but Paul dying like John did - so it's truly dark, not like fun angsty, but truly deeply dramatic and real. So you might think why read something sad, but maybe you should, because it's so good. It's also serious writing on meaningful topic and I think the fictional element (Paul dying and not John) somehow helps it being more bearable and at the same time makes you think about the actual reality and we kinda avoid doing it, don't we? And it's just very well written, there are also very plausible-sounding flashbacks of their history and relationship through the years (the one about why John actually climbed the fence in Cavendish is my favorite!), so it's not really all about death. And my absolutely favorite thing in ''Widow'' is the very ending, the last sentence even. It's the most perfect, most poignant ending this story could have had, an ending any good fuckin literature could have. Sometimes I walk on the streets and think about that ending. 

-------------------

This fic rec is got too wordy, so I'll end this here, although there are other fics I've enjoyed just as much, but I'll add them some other time!

Always feel free to recommend me some fics too (or to share your thoughts on the already mentioned!)

[blubushie]

My fucking mate (love u bb) got me hooked on Epic: The Musical because my primary school arse was pretty big on Greek mythology (not in a Percy Jackson way, in a "I literally read the entirety of The Odyssey over the summer break when I was 14" way).

Anyway my favourite song so far is Ruthlessness. Also Just a Man because it strikes home in ways I don't wanna discuss. Also also, Monster. For the same reasons as Just a Man. And Get in the Water. Besides Odysseus, who I heavily sympathise with, my favourite character in the musical is Poseidon (compared to The Odyssey, in which case it's Athena).

I was talking about it in Blucord yesterday even!!

Something also that I hadn't pointed out is that Poseidon actually is angry about what happened to his son, but he's angrier that Odysseus didn't kill Polyphemus but instead dishonoured the son of a god by leaving him forever blinded and dependent on his brothers. If he'd killed Polyphemus, and even better gone to the effort of giving him a burial (which would've shown him proper respect as a worthy opponent) then none of this would've happened.

Also on the same vein as #5, when Poseidon says "If only you'd killed my son," further in the song he says:

And now it is finally time to say goodbye, today you die Unless, of course, you apologise For my son's pain and all his cries

(Which Odysseus doesn't do, by the way--he just gives excuse after excuse. Not once does he actually express regret and apologise. He only attempts to justify his actions to Poseidon, who is not having it.)

When Poseidon says "pain" he doesn't mean the pain Polyphemus felt in the moment of losing his eye, he specifically means the entire life of pain and hardship Polyphemus will now have coupled with him being a burden upon his family--the pain of someone who was denied a good death and honourable burial. When he says "cries," he doesn't mean Polyphemus' cries about the loss of his eye, but specifically Polyphemus' cries to his father Poseidon, asking for him to enact vengeance on his behalf.

In this song it's quite literally Poseidon reminding Odysseus that he is a warrior of Greece, that Greek war is a matter of cunning but also honour, and that this is something that Odysseus has forgotten despite Athena trying to teach him. This is Poseidon telling Odysseus that he is going to teach him a lesson the literal goddess of war failed to teach him about honour in battle. This is Poseidon being very pissed off that he had to come settle petty mortal bullshit because Odysseus was feeling guilty and didn't kill his son so his son came crying to him about it, and furthermore that he heckled him about it from his ship.

So as punishment, Poseidon does the same thing Odysseus did--he scuttles his fleet at sea, he permanently cripples him emotionally and spiritually, dishonoured and denied a warrior's death this time. He leaves him with only 43 men left out of the original 600. Can you imagine how Odysseus felt? He brought 600 men into Troy, brought 600 out--didn't lose a soul in battle--only to lose 6 men to a cyclops, then piss off a god by his own hubris (going against the warnings of the literal god of wisdom) and lose 551 more of his men to a raging sea.

And furthermore, when Odysseus escapes using the bag of winds, Poseidon looms in the distance and watches him leave, choosing not to pursue for now. But he parrots Odysseus' last words to Polyphemus: I am your darkest moment. Remember me.

Polyphemus pleaded of Poseidon that he chase him like a hound across the sea. That Odysseus be cursed to return to Ithaca alone, that he lose all 600 of his men on his journey, and that he return after many years only to find his kingdom in turmoil. And Poseidon complied.

[thepastisalreadywritten]

Guinness World Records is saddened to learn of the death of the world's oldest man, Juan Vicente Perez Mora (Venezuela, born 27 May 1909), at the age of 114. He would have turned 115 next month.

His death was confirmed by Freddy Bernal, the governor of Táchira, Venezuela, where Juan lived.

He wrote on X:

"Our dear Juan Vicente Perez Mora today, with deep sadness and pain, we say goodbye to you, to that archetype of a man from Tachira, humble, hard-working, peaceful, enthusiastic about family and tradition.

Together with my wife and children, we had the pleasure and the pride of meeting him and sharing with his loved ones.

My old Don Vicente, we will always remember him for his optimism in life, for faith, hope, and that deep love for our state of Tachira.

He will always be a symbol of goodness, wisdom and joy, which is why his legacy will live forever in our hearts and in our lives.

Rest in peace my dear old man, my Don Juan Vicente. We will never forget you."

President Nicolas Maduro of Venezuela also paid tribute, writing:

"Juan Vicente Perez Mora has transcended into eternity at 114 years old.

From the town of El Cobre, he gave Venezuela the Guinness Record title for being the oldest man in the world.

I send my hug and condolences to his family and to all the people of El Cobre, Tachira state. May God receive him in his holy glory!"

Juan Vicente was confirmed as the oldest man living after Saturnino de la Fuente Garcia (Spain, born 11 February 1909) passed away on 18 January 2022 at 112 years and 341 days.

Juan was announced as the oldest man living at 112 years and 253 days, as of 4 February 2022.

He attributed his longevity to "working hard, resting on holidays, going to bed early, drinking a glass of aguardiente every day, loving God, and always carrying him in his heart."

Juan Vicente was married to Ediofina del Rosario García for 60 years until her passing in 1997.

Together, they established a family of 11 children, consisting of six sons and five daughters.

He later welcomed 42 grandchildren, 18 great-grandchildren, and 12 great-great-grandchildren into the family.

In 2019, he celebrated his 110th birthday, becoming the first male supercentenarian from Venezuela.

After living through both World Wars, seeing the invention of the television, and witnessing the landing of a man on the moon, Juan Vicente also survived COVID-19 in 2020.

Our thoughts and prayers are with his family at this time.

The next oldest man living is expected to be 112-year-old Gisaburo Sonobe of Japan, pending confirmation from his family.

There is a need for intense scrutiny with old-age claims.

GWR is advised in its ratification of longevity claims by the Gerontology Research Group, and, since 2005, by Senior Gerontology Consultant Robert Young.

Source: Guinness World Records

World's Oldest Man Announced — Guinness World Records

17 May 2022

Juan Vicente Pérez Mora was born in Venezuela on 27 May 1909 and is now 112 years old.

As of 2022, Juan Vicente had 18 grandchildren, 41 great-grandchildren, and 12 great-great-grandchildren.

[9w1ft]

Hi, I know this is a very relevant topic but I've been following your blog for several years and your words and wisdom have always resonated with me, so I was hoping to have your thoughts.

I've always been a shy and quiet person with a very low self-esteem and a poor understanding of social cues. Not much is charming about me. Then we had the pandemic and my socialization set back by a thousand millennia. During this time I became what many would say "chronically online."

I just saw it as my regular life. On the Internet, I was somehow lucky and made a lot of online friends. We are like-minded, they are nice and funny, and it's great to see different perspectives. During this time, I also found a sense of belonging within the Kaylor community, and I still consider you all near and dear. My online friends and social circles have been there for me at my loneliest, darkest times when people physically next to me happened.

However, I think now I'm kind of growing out of that for several reasons. The Internet is a wasteland. Lots of drama and toxicity. Social media is becoming unusable. Also now that the lockdown is long gone, I need to be able to focus on my work but I can't get anything done because of my attachment to my phone where my online friends are.

Also in real life I don't know when or how it happened but I'm actually talking to people and going out of my way to socialize. I still don't think I have any attractive qualities but I am making friends regardless. I don't know if I am even confident but I do feel a lot more comfortable with myself.

With these real incidents, the risks and effort are more but it is also just as rewarding. With my online friends, I feel secure with them because I know what their beliefs are and I know they aren't homophobic or anti-atheists, whereas my secret identity would be a problem in real life. With my online friends, I access dopamine 24/7 anytime I want and I have the liberty to vent to anybody anytime. With my real life friends however I have to act like I'm fine and that venting might get me judged. However online there's just a lot of unnecessary pessimism everywhere.

With all of this context, I want to simply say that I am perhaps growing out of my online life, that a part of me wants to move on and focus on my real life forever. But I also think some of my online friends are really nice and wonderful people, and if I say goodbye to one of them, I oughta say bye to everybody because the cycle will simply repeat if I go from one social media to another.

I also really enjoy Kaylorism as a hobby. I engage with it up to the degree it makes me happy, as I'm following your advice.

I understand that this isn't an all or nothing situation. But do you have any advice for me? I want to know if there's way I can sustainably have the best of both lives.

hi anon ♥️ i hope you don’t mind that i posted this in full because i think there are others like you out there and i think what’s on you mind might resonate.

i think it’s so amazing that you’re finding successes and growth in your real life and it sounds like focusing in on that might bring you a lot of joy and fulfillment. at the same time, online life seems to be draining you a bit. i hope i’m understanding you right. if so, i think you already know what would be best for you.

but if changing up your regular way of living is making you apprehensive, i think it’s important to remember that as we go through life, we are going to need and want different things at different stages, and that there are a lot of things at our disposal to help us out along the way. i really believe social media (and by extension the internet) is one of these things— a tool. maybe right now, you don’t need to use that tool. and it’s okay to put it away and just have it as something to use as needed, if seasons change for you again.

there’s a conversation that might be had about choosing how to use the tool, or to drop the metaphor for a second, re-evaluate the content you are consuming or ways that you interface with people online and adjust the experience to you etc etc. but i know that’s easier said than done.

so if you need some encouragement, please do not ever feel as though you need to keep up appearances online to the detriment of your actual life. i know fomo is a real thing and wanting to be connected to the world is also an important thing, but there are also many things you can do on a local level that you’ll find will both fulfill those needs, and provide you with chances to expand the size of your toolbox.

plus! you can come back anytime you’d like. i think for a lot of us, especially on tumblr, we’re the kind of people who could go without talking for years at a time but still pick up and chat as if no time has passed. first and foremost, we’re rooting for you!

[theoldman]

A Dog Named Kitty

" Once Upon a Time in a land far far way there lived A Dog Named Kitty... ) I received a call from my sister last night informing me that Kitty had left this plain of existence for more angelic plains.  Those of you who have known me for some time will remember Kitty. Her beauty and spirit were contagious and she brought much joy to all who came in contact with her. It was in the Christmas season of 95 that a couple of high school kids ( one of whom is a facebook friend ) brought me in this dog that they found wandering around the high school. They were originally taking her to the spca but decided to stop by my new age shoppe and see if I was interested in taking her. I did and my life was profoundly changed.  It is a cold heart that cant see heaven in a dogs eyes. We were only together seven months but that was enough to forever change me. One of the hardest things I have ever done in my life is let her go. When i closed my shoppe I left town with but the clothes on my back to live on the streets. My only concern was Kitty. My parents took her and twelve years later she was still there. I had done the right thing. She had a big yard and a big house and my Father was devoted to her. She lived a long happy life. It was time to let her go and I say goodbye with sadness but also with peace as I know it was the right time and that she had a blessed existence.  Kitty was a breath of fresh air in a life encompassed by struggle and strife. She was a most engaging manifestion of love and innocence that cultivated delight. She was a bright blessing who reflected beauty within and awakened peace in my soul. I saw her as the harmonic embodiment of all that is pure and good. The sacred light of the goddess shone in her spirit and she helped open me to the possibility of love. She will be missed but not forgotten for she was friend , family and companion. Goodye My Friend , I Love You!  I remember after my sister and I were in a car accident ( my sister fractured her sternum and broke a bone in her neck ) in which I suffered a concussion. I got home abut 5am and Kitty had been alone for twelve hours. I was sure she would have gone to the washroom after so long but she hadnt. She was just happy to see me. So here I am at 5am walking down Jarvis St. in Fort Erie barefoot with face covered in blood from an open head wound and Kitty by my side. The funny thing was the police drove by - saw my blood filled face and spattered shirt and didnt even stop. You gotta love small towns.  Those of you who have been reading my notes know its been a tough run lately - my diabetes , adhd and dysthymia , my sisters myriad of life threatening health problems , my sister in laws breast cancer , the passing of our beloved cat Roxy , the death of our Dear Sweet Friend Sean and an assortment of other things too numerous to mention. However fear not for mine is a warrior spirit and I will not be defined by misfortune , I will be inspired by it.  I went through my childhood in the sixties and adolescence in the seventies. Many of my peers wanted to change the world , I wanted to Save it!  To that end I will not go quietly into the night. I will continue to seek enlightenment and change peoples paradigm. I will continue to walk a path of spirited contribution and soul expanding facilitation of inspiration and imagination. Mine is a journey that celebrates diversity , honors ancient wisdom and respects sacred mother earth. I continue to explore and live my souls purpose while elevating my spirit to new heights. My heart bleeds for all who suffer and my inner child seeks only a playground free of hatred , intolerance , prejudice and war where all live in peace with the freedom to blossom.  Goodbye Kitty - You are my Inspiration and you will continue with me as one of my Spirit Guides. 

Yours in Mourning  The OldMan

[safespacespence]

what if i made a comeback?

no im kidding im not doing that i would be insane

anyways, this is my formal exit from tumblr. i was finding it kinda funny cause my pinned post was still "psa im going on a break" but had no intentions on returning LMAO

i'd just like to say thank you for all of the love ive received on this platform. i've outgrown who i was on here, but i've got to give tumblr credit for sparking my love for writing all over again. im gonna be all icky down below, so read if u want to, but u dont have to lol

to the friends ive made on here, thank you for the love! i hope you all take care of yourself and have your inboxes filled with flowers and flowers and flowers. ive definitely had my ups and downs on here, but trust that you've made a mark on my life. i will forever remember u by your username, and what emoji you had next to your tag :'))

to the writers still tryna get their groove or make their mark, keep at it. i was shocked when i received fifty notes, and for my favorite work to be at 900+ is surreal. find your style and stick to it. but also, who am i to say anything im just some guy ASLUIDVAIWUE

i'm sorry for the unfulfilled requests or promises made, recommendations not given. but the people still on this platform are so incredibly passionate about their writing, and i've got to give that to them. so to my fav writers, idk if you'll ever read this, but TAKE YOUR SPACE. i love u you got me thru sum shit.

idk what's going on in this space rn but if you have drama with anyone let it go please it's 2023 we all have better things to do go watch a reality show if you desperately need your fill or watch a dont worry darling drama breakdown video SHLDASD;FH

i wish i was more dramatic or sentimental and had more to say about this and had wisdom to sprinkle in but i thought it'd just be respectful if i did one last post to say goodbye for good. im moving on in my life, and i wish you all the best <333

[retrowaving1]

My painting of Basia in 2023 / My drawing of “the Queen” Basia (to the left) and princess myself as a cat ( to the right  ) in 2010 - yes, I was a weird child  :D

Despite the description, this post is going to be deeply personal   One month ago, I lost my dearest friend and one of the most beloved family members - my cat Basia. She was fighting a lymphoma since 2020, when she also had a surgery, but even afterward, the problem returned and started progressing again. By the end of May, my mom, who, together with the rest of my family, currently lives in Ukraine, wrote me a message that Basia stopped eating and drinking, and had trouble walking. Clearly, she was in pain and couldn't function anymore. We made a painful mutual decision to put her down the next day, so she wouldn't have to suffer anymore. 

That day, I called my parents on Telegram to say goodbye to my pet. She was looking very ill, she lost most of her weight, and her fur, once silky and smooth, was looking like hedgehog spines. I cannot choose the words (even in my native language, let alone English) to describe the emotional state I was in, knowing that I couldn't be there for her at that moment. I felt guilty and I was so sorry. However, there was nothing to be done. The next day, that was the 1st of June, her 14th birthday, a vet came over to my parents' house and sent her to her last, peaceful sleep. My parents buried her at a beautiful, safe place near the river together with her favorite toy, a mouse, which she had since she was a kitten. 

Basia was an amazing cat. She was very loving and supportive, as much as a cat can be for a human, and even more. In a way, Basia provided me with advice, when I needed one, by gently biting me on my hand when I was misbehaving as a teenager and not accepting my abusive ex-boyfriend into the family, as if she was protecting me. She was an extremely wise pet. She also was my bestie. We were together since I was 8, and she was a 2 months old little piece of fluff. She used to support me through my pain and health issues, both physical and mental. 

She was my painkiller and my inspiration. When we adopted Basia, I had been attending art school for about one year. I have always liked painting, but if before Basia I would paint trees and barbie dolls, after I got her - everything was about her. I used to paint her in different costumes, as if she was a human. Once I painted her on an a2 canvas in my school uniform and I think this work won some kind of competition, and even was hanging on the art school’s wall for some time (even though it actually was awful, if you ask me now XD). 

I guess what I want to say is that I loved that cat so much I could honestly paint her forever and even write short stories about her, as she had her own character and her approach to life, and her eyes were always filled with some unattainable cat wisdom. I truly believe that this cat had a huge influence over my interest in arts and was my first-ever muse. Thus, the most reasonable homage I can pay her is her last portrait, which would capture her young, silky and beautiful, the way I remember her, sitting on the porch of our cottage.

Basia, my dearest pet to whom I owe so much, I'm sorry I couldn't be there for you in 2020, when you first got sick, and in 2023 when your time came, but I hope you didn't hold grudges against me at the moment when you found your final peace, as you have always been in my heart and no other pet will ever replace you. I still rewatch the videos of you, jumping and playing with your mouse, and I appreciate you so much for fighting this horrible disease for such a long time. You were always so strong. Thank you for all the happy memories and for all of your support throughout the years of our mutual friendship. Thank you for everything. I love you and may your cat soul, wherever it is right now, rest in peace.

_______________________________

[emilytaylorkelso]

The Beginnings: 2012 (Bandcamp Exclusive)

I’ll tell you forever that 2012 was the worst year of my life. It wasn’t all bad, but I was so absolutely unequipped for what I went through that it took the next decade to recover, and in some ways it permanently altered me as a person.

That’s why this year gets its own album of re-recordings. I wrote hundreds of songs to process it all, and when I look back, I still love most of them. As emotional as I personally think these songs are, they don’t scratch the surface of what I went through. Those songs didn’t start coming out of me until 5 years later after a whole psychology degree and a little therapy.

Love Story is the most ironic way to start this collection, but I insist on doing things chronologically. So this is me falling in love for the first time.

Are You Happy Now is me getting my heart broken for the first time despite everyone trying to warn me.

Stupid Boy is peak pettiness on my part. I’ll own up to that one; I was being a dramatic 15-year-old kid.

Over You was me trying to be hopeful and trust that time would heal all despite how messy it was in that moment. (Spoiler alert: it would.)

Recovery was the first day I felt truly good again. (Spoiler alert: it wouldn’t last.)

Miss Me, Miss Me was me re-gaining my confidence and remembering I was worth loving, and worth missing.

What’s Good About Goodbyes had a bridge that came to me in the shower; I wrote the song around it. I liked writing as if I was years in the future, reflecting back on whatever I was going through in that exact moment with wisdom and clarity. I especially like revisiting songs like that now that it really is years in the future.

Good Girls (Bad Boys) is about the first time you hear that the first person to break your heart is seeing someone new.

Each Step of the Way just proves how complicated humans are. It proves that I could be angry and hurt and heartbroken but still insist on caring about the person who caused it all once I saw that they were going through something. (Or it proves I was really easily manipulated. We’ll never know what really happened here.)

It’s Still His is that feeling when you’re not over someone, but there’s someone new trying to win your heart. It’s not that new person’s fault; you’re just not ready until you’re ready.

Still in Love with You is… exactly what it is. Exactly.

You Taught Me That was mainly inspired by the grandfather I lost when I was 6. I had a weird relationship with religion and the idea of heaven when I was younger, and writing songs like this gave me so much comfort.

Fall for You Again is how it feels to love someone new but still have moments where you worry that you’re not over that first heartbreak. It’s weird the first time you care about two people at once; before that, you don’t believe there’s anyone else out there for you. At least when you’re 16.

The Last Song was me being determined to start the new year without dragging 2012’s baggage into it. It was also right after Taylor Swift released Red, and I was obsessed with All Too Well. Unfortunately for me, this was not actually the last song. 

[abubakarpsd]

**A Love Story**

In a small coastal town, there lived a girl named Lila, a dreamer who spent her days painting the sea and writing poetry. She believed in the magic of the ocean, and every evening, she would sit by the shore, watching the waves crash against the rocks, hoping to find something extraordinary in the mundane.

One summer evening, as the sun dipped below the horizon, she noticed a young man sitting alone on the farthest rock. He was sketching in a notebook, completely lost in his art. Lila had never seen him before, but there was something about him that drew her closer.

His name was Adrian. A traveler, an artist, searching for inspiration in the beauty of the world. They met by chance, their conversations starting with the colors of the sunset and slowly growing deeper, more personal, with every passing day.

Adrian admired Lila’s passion for the sea, her poetic soul, and the way she could find beauty in the simplest things. Lila, on the other hand, was enchanted by Adrian’s stories of far-off places, his wisdom, and the gentleness in his eyes.

As the summer passed, their bond deepened, and what started as a friendship soon blossomed into love. They spent their days exploring hidden coves, painting together, and sharing their dreams under the stars. Lila wrote poems for Adrian, and he sketched her by the shore, capturing the love they had found in each other.

But as autumn approached, Adrian had to leave, his journey calling him once again. The thought of saying goodbye broke their hearts, yet they knew that love was not bound by distance. Before he left, Adrian gave Lila his most cherished sketch, a drawing of the two of them standing by the sea, their hands intertwined.

“Whenever you look at this,” he said softly, “remember that no matter where I am, my heart will always be with you.”

Lila smiled through her tears, knowing that their love was eternal, bound by more than just time or place.

Years passed, and though they were miles apart, their love never faded. They continued to write to each other, sending letters filled with poems, sketches, and words of love. And every summer, Adrian returned to the small town by the sea, where Lila waited with open arms, their love rekindling with every meeting.

They knew they were soulmates, destined to find each other again and again, no matter where life took them. And so, their love story continued—endless, timeless, and forever intertwined with the rhythm of the waves.

[goon-writes-her-thoughts]

January, 2023

TW: Childhood abuse and neglect, Cancer, untreated mental illness

This was written shortly after New Year’s in 2023. It’s on the topic of the neglect I faced as a child and my internal struggle about the pros and cons of remembering it all so vividly. It’s heavy so don’t read it if you’re not in the right headspace.

As I enter this new year still licking at the wounds of 2022, I’m forced to realize that there are large wounds that I never licked from over a decade ago. I’m reminded of these old wounds every time I hear Mitski sing of being so young when she behaved 25. As much as I love my mother in the present day and her cancer diagnosis crushed me, I cannot begin to comprehend the neglect I faced as a preteen. These wounds from November 2011 still haunt me in ways I can’t describe fully.

In a lot of ways, I envy my brother for being able to repress those memories. I wish I could forget those awful months, I wish they’d never surface ever again, leaving me to my life. With that said, you can only lick wounds you know you have. Because I remember the circumstances, because I recognize my mother’s symptoms as those of my own mental illness, I am able to forgive her. I have not healed the wounds, but I can see the situation with the layers it has.

I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to brush off the fear that all footsteps in my home are there to take me away, but at least I can try. Sometimes, when my hair is hard to brush, I’m thrown back to being the little girl who was trying to get her mats out enough to get herself to school. Sometimes, when I hear certain songs, I’m back in my bunk bed, counting the days to the light at the end of the tunnel when dad was set to come back. Sometimes, when I leave the house for work when everyone’s still asleep, I’m suddenly calling out ‘goodbye’ to my mom and brother in their catatonic states so I can get myself out to catch the bus. Sometimes when I open the fridge, I expect to see all the expired milk and chicken carcasses with an odor so foul that I faced as a 12 year old girl, too young to know what to do when I can’t eat. Those are the things I wish I could forget. The things that no child should ever have to do but I had to. The feeling of being so desperate to be 14 so I could get a job so I could afford to eat without stealing. The feeling of being muted by my school to a point of acting out so someone would listen.

Those are the wounds I want to lick but I can’t. They’re so hard to reach. They’re infected, they ooze every now and again and there’s nothing I can do about it but wait for another scab to form. Even writing this now, I feel those wounds breaking open again and I will have to form enough of a scab so I can go in and work in 3 minutes when my break is up. That’s all adulthood is. Scabbing over enough to go back to work.

When I say I’m proud of who I’ve become, I mean it. Not only did I come from less than ideal circumstances, I’ve found the words I was searching for as a little girl. I’ve found my strength through writing all the words I wish I could have said to my teachers, to my parents, but most of all: to myself. No matter how much my teachers didn’t listen if I couldn’t say it in French, no matter how much I couldn’t tell my parents, there’s still a 12 year old little girl inside me that needs to hear what I have to say.

I’m older now, with my age came good times, bad times, and wisdom through those times. I may not be the best with words, but I’m better than I was. Maybe I needed to remember that scared little girl, maybe I needed to still feel the pain she went through in deafening silence so I could tell her what she needed to hear and what I still need to hear: life was cruel to you, but that doesn’t mean the cruelty is forever. There are good days, there are bad days, but with some amount of Rainy Day People around, a sense of humor and the right soundtrack, the cruelty can be bearable and something you can flourish in spite of.

Odds are odds and considering the hand I’d been dealt, a retail supervisor at 23 isn’t something to sneeze at. I’ve got a car, a place to sleep, family, food and most of all, I’m still here. I’m still aughing in the face of adversity, laughing at the past that made me as fucked up as I am, and acknowledging that It Could Be Much Worse. If I had repressed those lonely days of neglect, I wouldn’t remember it enough to tell that inner little girl all that. Had I repressed her, I never could have given her the voice she so desperately craved. That would be a crime akin to what every other adult did to her. It’s better late than never.

[herdadwiana]

;Goodbye 2023

2023 was considerably one of the worst year of my entire life. There were so many downs than ups.

Two young men lost their lives during to a (seperate) tragic incident. They were both as young as I am, to know that they are no longer on earth hits me a little harder than usual. They were considerably a small part of my core memory. 1 of them was my classmate and he definitely made us laugh led alot while he was around. The other was a colleague from USS who made work a little more fun to be at.

I had to have a wisdom tooth extracted and post operation was tough on me. Recovery was slow and I had infection.

My family was hit with covid, even Hayden Yusuf. Thankfully Sahar was spared.

Hayden had a to be brought to the A&E because he was wheezing. Thankful he did not have to be admitted. He still do have some wheezing on and off now, but it is under control.

Sahar on the other hand, has been admitted to the hospital for pneumonia. This is her second time in hospital and it wasn't any easier.

Every vacation I went to, I came back unwell, except for out trip to Bangkok. I had bronchitis while I was in Johor for birthday staycation and while I was in Bali celebrating our 5th anniversary. I had a throat infection for the entire trip at Legoland. I guess I was not meant to have fun.

Dad had to stay in the hospital for a couple of days due to his heart condition.

Mom had to have a surgery yo have the abscess remove from her elbow.

It's sad that I can clearly remember all these "bad things" that occurs within 2023. Mainly because everything seemed to be happening back-to-back.

However, there were great times too. Sahar have officially started school and she loves it. Yusuf is running and he loves going to the swimming pool.

We managed to bring the kids to....

Legoland

Bangkok

Singapore Flyer

Cable car ride

T-Play indoor playground

Multiple pool sessions

Disney On Ice

Picnics

Kite flying

Watch the NDP show at Padang

Snow City

These things may be 'small' activities, but they are forever cherished.

Till then, I don't think I'll miss 2023 at all. Looking forward to a much more wonderful 2024.