#Regularly scheduled reminder to read Vigilantes

[nostalgiabug]

I would pay good money to see AFO stroking out.

HE IS REAL!!! WE WON!!

[currentfandomkick]

Marinette did not sign up for this part 7

So i kind of live, and this continues on. 

first part here   previous part here      ao3 here 

             Stephanie twitched when she finished comparing financial resources needed to handle a covert operation, butterfly garden underground, AND manage to keep it secret from the rest of Paris. Cass checked her numbers and it became very apparent that only—and she stressed the only—someone insanely wealthy and is a recluse could be Hawkmoth. And in Paris, that meant one man—Gabriel Agreste.

             Cass was the one to narrow it down to him, and Steph argued with her about it being impossible as “He’s been akumatized!” Honestly, Cass was acting like the Ladyblogger who published one of her early ‘could be Hawkmoth’ theories with Gabriel Agreste as a option with “probably had Mayura as Hawkmoth in her place” argument. It was retracted, and there was a apology put up for it that included: this list was not intended to be serious guys—I put multiple known akuma victims here and ways they could have been Hawkmoth no matter how public the akumatazation was. Did not expect this one to be taken so seriously, my sincerest apologies to M. Agreste and Mm. Sancoeur.”

             Steph could smell the ‘I was forced to do this’ off the apology, and did her best not to agree with Cass that it was forced as then Cass would argue it was a serious accusation put in mixed with less serious ones to get people thinking. To get Ladyblog followers to take notes and pass it to Ladybug and Chat Noir for further investigation. Which, would be a good way to contact the heroes. Except…

             “She interviews the Miraculous team on a bi-weekly basis Cass, she’d have plenty of opportunities to tell them her theories.”

             Cass crossed her arms. While they might heavily disagree on this aspect of who Hawkmoth and Mayura are, there is another aspect that is held in contention between the two of them…

             “Plus, Hawkmoth and Mayura are totally a couple, and everyone knows Gabriel Agreste is too hung up on his wife’s disappearance to consider moving on, let alone do it.”

             “Professionals.”

             Stephanie rolled her eyes. Cass is good at body language. There is no doubt about her being better than most. However—Hawkmoth is an egomaniac. Egomaniacs don’t give up when their goal is in reach for a henchman getting ill or injured. Not unless said hench is, well, romantically involved with them. She knew from watching Gotham’s underbelly for years—their romantic relationship had to be rock solid for it to even be considered. Married or may-as-well-be.

             “He’s ended how many battles early for her? Totally bordering on, if not actually, married.”

             Stephanie paused when two girls joined them, the ladyblogger herself with a too big grin, and soup girl if Cass wasn’t mistaken.

             “Hawkmoth and Mayura relationship debate?” The blogger grinned.

             Stephanie nodded, as yes, and this is serious. “Cass is convinced they’re just professionals with standards.”

             Soup girl groaned. “Not this again!”

             “Girl, I told you, I’m not the only one who thinks they’re a couple, and serious.”

             Stephanie grinned as Cass huffed. A vote for Team Hawkyura!

             “I told you, Hawkmoth is too obsessed with the miraculous to be capable of human emotions, and Mayura is too smart to fall for him. He’s probably paying her a lot or cancelling out a debt for her to work for him how she is,” Soup girl reasoned.

             Stephanie shook her head while Cass rose victoriously, scooting a bit closer to her fellow ‘stop shipping the villains’ teammate. Which is ridiculous—it isn’t shipping if it isn’t even subtext at this point.

             “No, no,” the blogger leaned forward, settled into their table on Stephanie’s side. “That means the relationship would have to be healthy, and its perfect possible for it to extremely unhealthy and for Mayura to be in a bad relationship with someone who isn’t wroth her time. Why else would she keep using a broken miraculous that’s making her sick?”

             Stephanie nodded at the blogger’s side. “And abusive relationships can happen to anyone. Back in our home city,” Steph gestured between herself and Cass. “A top psychologist went villain because she was manipulated into thinking the guy just needed her love to fix him and fell into a life of crime and wanted to stay by the guy’s side regardless of how many times he hurt her.”

             Cass nodded at that, frowning at that. She wasn’t there for Harley Quinn, henchman of Joker. Stephanie was. She did see the aftermath and bits of Harley’s (ongoing) recovery.

             Soup girl shook her head. “Its not that, everyone knows the Peacock is emotions so she would know he’s toying with her. She would know she deserves better. She’s staying because of finances or blackmail or maybe even being able to fix something that’s unfixable.”

             Cass hummed in agreement. “Needs to survive.”

             Soup girl nodded. “There’s no motivator more powerful than that.”

             “Um, love,” Stephanie supplied. She may not be the best at all its forms, but loving gotham’s citizens enough to want to save them was part of what drove her to become Spoiler in the first place. Spite too, but that didn’t seem like the best thing to mention at the time.

             “Exactly,” the blogger passed Stephanie one of her cookies. “Love makes people do crazy things, or did you forget Hercules.”

             Soup girl looked exhausted at that, pinching her brow. “We agreed never to bring Disney logic into these arguments.”          

             “The quote is true—People do crazy things when they’re in love. And Mayura is in love with Hawkmoth, and he’s in love with her.”

             Soup girl rolled her eyes. “Then you’d have to give up the Gabriel and Natalie theory for good. He’s still in love with his wife, and he treats Natalie more like a tablet than a person. No way that’s how he’d treat someone he’s in love with.”

             “Are we forgetting how he treats you and Adrien?”

             Stephanie and Cass exchanged a look. Stephanie focused on soup girl then. Really looked at her. Tired, twitchy, all signs of needing and not getting a good night’s rest.

             “Okay, he goes way overboard with supervising and has control issues, I’m not saying he doesn’t, ever. But he doesn’t let me take commissions unless my grades are up there, hires tutors for me and Adrien regularly, and he’s let up on controlling who Adrien can be safely friendly with to avoid crazy fans ever since I joined.”

             “You joined, therefore are something he can control, and are therefore not going to endanger Adrien or Gabriel since it would hurt your career,” the blogger explained.

             “Sounds like Hawkmoth,” Stephanie added absently, then froze as Cass grinned at her. back track time, ASAP. “But it can’t be since the guy was akumatized.”

             Soup girl looked relieved at what Stephanie said. Though, thinks weren’t looking up much on that front. She might have Batgirl pay the man a visit… after hacking the girl’s schedule and Adrien’s and seeing how much this man really was trying to control them both.

             Cass raised an eyebrow at her.

             “Thank you—can you get Alya off that train too?”

             The blogger leveled Stephanie a look that reminded her too much of Lois Lane that time she tried to interview the Batfam on Gotham crime rates and the effectiveness of vigilantes in a city that was entrenched in corruption and if it was better to just gut the Gotham justice system and start anew with different training and such, to prevent villain strength and intensity escalation. In short—she scared Stephanie. Just a little.

             “I think maybe Lois Lane could, but I doubt it.”

             “Lois Lane is the hero the world is not good enough for and her word is worth more than all of Metropolis.”

             “Not that hard to achieve,” Stephanie said without thinking. There is a lot of property damage there after all, they just have a more white collar-exclusive criminal element. Plus, Lex keeps his bigger projects in other places that are harder for Superman to find.

             Soup girl snorted at that.

             The blogger took offense.

             Stephanie would say all-in-all, not her worst time out on a mission doing detective work in broad daylight.

--

             Marinette was quick to transform into Multimouse and meet up with Rena in the Lourve. It wasn’t the first time either—Alix’s dad took to helping her translate Gaurdian since she hadn’t learned it all before Fu died. Besides her, he was the only one who could read the spell book… though that reduced the miraculous grimoire to nothing but the potions. It held the history of the kwami, how to summon and bind them, and even how to craft weapons for them. It included instructions on how to become a Guardian and what was required of her the sole guardian, and how the Order operated with mentions of ways it could be reformed should it ever vanish.

             It was the closest thing Marinette had to a mentor on how to re-build the Order and choose members, and how to make the best choices as Guardian. It even listed allied organizations and how much stock should be put into trusting them.

             But right now, she wasn’t there as Ladybug to go over another passage or talk about possible meaning and philosophies (did they really mean her job is to kill to protect the miraculous, or like, be that ready to ensure they remained safe?) or the whole “is the soul splitting a metaphor or actual magic” (magic). No, she was there as Multimouse, with Rena Rouge, as representatives of the Miraculous Team to meet up with the Amazonian Historian sent by The Former Ladybug, Hippolyta.

             “Greetings Alwphekion,” the woman nodded at Rena. “Muidion,” she acknowledged Multimouse. “I am Vupyte of Themyscira, and our leading historian on the miraculous. How may I be of assistance, young Champions?”

             Multimouse stepped forward, forgetting she wasn’t Ladybug at the moment. This question had been burning in her mind since she was told of the missing pair. “Could you tell us how the ladybug and black cat miraculous would interact with the main five if it wasn’t for Hawkmoth?”

             Rena glanced at Multimouse, knowing that something was off. It was possible Marinette may be more involved intellectually than she’d been letting on… though given her unofficial spy-work, it was possible that Marinette was Ladybug’s first choice in help… which lead to questions Rena had to keep silent… until Hawkmoth was defeated.

             “Ah, that is both simple and complex. If you wouldn’t mind,” Vupyte gestured for the pair to sit with her. “I was expecting something like that to come from Alwphekion, not you Muidion.”

             Multimouse would have been flustered a few years ago. Hell, even a few month ago, before Fu was compromised, she would have panicked a bit. But right now?

             “Ladybug tasked me to get any information to help her rebuild the Order. I won’t fail her.” She couldn’t fail the kwami. Especially Tikki who never gave up on her, even when Marinette was ready to throw in the towel a hundred times over and give her miraculous to Alya—the brave one she once had to mimic to handle being Ladybug.

             “Ah.” Vupyte leaned back. “No wonder there’s such a storm in your eyes.”

             Multimouse didn’t know how to handle that, so she brushed it aside.

             Rena put a hand on her knee and squeezed.

             Multimouse was glad she wasn’t alone in this.

             “That story goes back far beyond when my people interacted with the miraculous. Perhaps I could have a figure you trust help me digitize my research on the history in full for your Ladybug?”

             Multimouse nodded. That… “Director Kubdel was vetted by Ladybug previously for his discretion and understanding of how sensitive the miraculous and miraculous matters are.”

             Vupyte agreed to use the man at a later date. “For now, I can give you an overview of how the work together.”

             “That would be sufficient.” Multimouse did her best to copy M. Agreste’s professional affect. To hide how out of her depths she was at the moment.

             Vupyte grinned. “First off, The Savior, your Ladybug, has the role of creation. Her role in the group is to guide them to growth, to safety. She is your strategist in battle and the team’s healer. You know this already. She is the only one able to undo the Destroyer—your Chat Noir’s—abilities. However, she can only undo his damage so long as she believes it needs her intervention. Should she find his judgement—and his punishments for those violating the contract between those under the Miraculous’ protection, the Order, Champion and Kwami—be just, she cannot undo what he did.”

             Multimouse felt her heart seize. Plagg mentioned the Atlantians tried to convince a Fox into destroying a rival kingdom, a kingdom that was not doing as the Atlantians’ claimed. When the Fox refused… Plagg never said what happened after that.

             She knew only a third of the Atlantian’s survived the sinking from what they’d released to the public about their history.

             “A ladybug is given all the creative force that exists between her and her black cat, while the cat is given all the ability to detect danger. Half of each of their souls are swapped to ensure this ability switch remains, and that their bond is unbreakable so long as they are called on as Champions. The cat protects her from harm, and she supplies him with what is needed. They are only ever called on in times of absolute crisis—when the Contract is violated, or when the world’s balance is nearing a breaking point.”

             Rena was too still by Multimouse, piecing things together. Multimouse hoped she didn’t pass this on to the others… not until Marinette was certain they were safe to remain in the Order and that they want to be in it—that they don’t feel obligated to out of duty but truly want to protect the kwami. Even if it means never being a hero again.

             “The turtle shields them both—the Cat in battle and the ladybug when healing. They can even bring forth another weapon, though what it is, there is no record that we have found reliable.”

             Multimouse raised an eyebrow.

             “Shelter?”

             The Amazonian shook her head. “No Muidion, something else entirely… the incomplete records I found mentioned people being pulled to the turtle, feeling absolute safety and complete trust in them no matter what happened around them. What causes this, is unknown.”

             Multimouse felt the need to roll her eyes. she was fairly certain it was a cross between ‘must parent them all’ and the turtle’s capacity to ensure nothing broke Shelter. Possibly making it opaque, or something else. She’d ask Wayzz when Nino was asleep.

“Often the turtle focuses on getting civilians out of the area to safety. They are often aided by the Peacock, who creates a creature from a single emotion and ties it to an object, to direct its actions. The turtle protects those in danger with their shelter while the peacock’s creation and the peacock keep enemy combatants busy.

             “The butterfly may check for spies among their ranks, potential traitors too by their emotions but that is often another’s role. They often connect members across distances with those outside of their ranks, acting as a diplomat and choosing new members. At times, they might even make use of their full ability and create a champion of their own, granting them the power to make an army to help the cat while following the ladybug’s plan, or to test a possible candidate’s worth by seeing what they do when given power, and how it is used while having the failsafe of taking it away again.

             “The bee tends to fight beside the Cat, at times ordering the butterfly’s champion should their connection fail, and is ready to take down said champion should they betray the group with a single sting. The bee answers to the ladybug and cat alone—following the pair’s vision and ensuring it is executed whenever one or both of the pair is absent.

             “Then there is the fox, like you Alwphekion. I assume you have grown fond of your ally,” Vupyte gestured to Rena’s flute. “They let you craft any illusion you want. But I doubt you were told of the true power of the fox.”

             Multimouse shifted at that. “The Gaurdian was young when their temple was destroyed. I doubt they hid it intentionally.”

             Vupyte paused at that. “I did not mean it like that Muidion, simply that the Fox is given little emphansis by the Order to the point it was given a dishonorable title for their champions to inherit, the Deceiver,” Vupyte spat the title like sour milk. “Alwphekion is the one who sees all in their truth, through every lie one has spoken or believed. A fox is not a crafter of fallacy, merely presenting what one feels or desires. Their greatest gift is in their true voice, the one that none can lie or withhold information upon being addressed by it.”

             Rena leaned forward, focusing on Vupyte. “How?”

             Vupyte sighed. “The records of that were destroyed in Alexandria’s flames. It is a power a fox can only use with great conviction and motivation. Until then, they can only sense deceptions in shades while the truth rings of their own melody according to legend.”

             Rena stared at her lap.

             Multimouse put a hand on her arm. “We’ll figure it out.”

             Rena leaned into the touch then, sighing. “I have a question of my own, if you don’t mind.”

             “Certainly I do not,” Vupyte assured. “I am here to help the Miraculous Champions however I am allowed by you. I owe your predecessors more than I could ever repay.”

             Rena nodded at that. “What are the chances a butterfly user could make themself a champion?”

             Vupyte opened and closed her mouth, lips pressing and pursing until she found words to her liking. “It is not impossible for them to do so. They would have to drop their transformation to do so, which would prevent proper guidance, and would need to give themself a very limited power.”

             Rena took a deep breath.

             Multimouse took a sharp intake. That changed the rules. A lot.

             “So, hypotethetically, if one’s power could only affect a specified amount of things at a time, say, put into a given space and then whatever new thing was put in was then ejected from said space,” Rena continued, “would that be a feasible power for a butterfly’s champion to use without a butterfly guiding them?”

             Multimouse felt her stomach drop at Vupyte’s hesitance.

             “That is… rather specific.” Vupyte pondered it for a moment more. “While I can’t be certain of the logisitics, it is one of the safest abilities to give in those circumstances. Tight limitations, a weak ability that lacks army-growing capacity, so no need to use the butterfly champion to connect their chosen champion to their subjects, and it is straight forward so no need for an explanation, or perhaps the lack of one would make their reaction to discovering this limit more genuine.”

             Multimouse felt sick.

             Things aligned quickly in her head. Finances. Schedules. Timing. Targets of preference—teens at Dupont where Adrien goes and is able to talk about his day to either Natalie or Gorilla, who would report it back to him. Even Adrien’s concerns for them—weaknesses, insecurities, fears…

             It made too much sense.

             Multimouse stood up. “I have to go, excuse me.”

             Rena gawked at her. “Wait, Mul—”

             Multimouse ran out quickly, running to an alley to detransform and get Tikki to get her head on straight as Marinette spiraled.

             Gabriel Agreste couldn’t be Hawkmoth.

             He couldn’t be.

--

             Outside the alley, Tim, Cass and Stephanie froze as the girl Tim was convinced was Ladybug appeared. She was in a grey suit before.

--

             Rena looked back at Vupyte, hoping her girl got the air she needed. She knew Marinette would come around eventually, but for now…

             “One moment.”

             Alya sent off a quick text to Aurore. The girl was good at keeping Marinette distracted, out of a spiral, and helping her process.

             Aurore confirmed she found Marinette in an alley bordering on a panic attack and was taking her home.

             Rena sighed in relief.

             “Okay, now that that’s settled, there’s something you didn’t spill.”

             Vupyte smiled at Rena. “You are a clever Alwphekion.”

             Rena raised an eyebrow.

             Vupyte sighed. “A ladybug and black cat take the longest to mature in their team. It is no fault of their own; a side effect of half of their being being doubled and the other being taken. Of the two, Ladybug requires the longest time to come into her own as a strategist and healer.”

             Rena snorted at that. “Have you seen Ladybug?”

             Vupyte sucked in her breath through her teeth. “I have.”

             Rena watched her more intensely then.

             “She is not even out of her training suit, while the rest of yours have become personalized, implying that you are not being overtaken by your role. That you have blended with your kwami and role, rather than be consumed by it.”

             Rena froze at that.

             “What do you mean be consumed by it.” it didn’t come out like a question, it fell out like doubt defending fear.

             “Ladybugs fill in any holes in their group. Right now you are missing two, and one is injured,” Vupyte noted.

             Rena filled in the blanks. “Until we get a Butterfly and fix the Peacock, Ladybug isn’t really Ladybug, is she?”

             Vupyte sighed. “She is a child trying to run a home alone until they are both present as allies.”

             Rena frowned at that. “Then why isn’t Chat affected?”

             Vupyte looked far older then. “Have you not noticed that he can only extend and shorten his staff?”

             Rena opened her mouth, only for no words to come out.

             “He should be able to turn his weapon into whatever hand-held weapon he desires at that moment to protect your team. He cannot fulfill his role as Judge and Protector proper. He may be his own person within his transformation and within the team, but he lack his full range. Ladybug has her full range of abilities, but lacks her individuality as a Ladybug proper. Her team is incomplete, so she must continue to cover and cover and cover until it is complete with all five of her strongest allies at her side. Until then, whoever is under the mask will give and give and give until there is nothing left.”

             Rena swallowed thickly. “How do I stop that?”

             Vupyte leveled Rena with a few words. “Find Hawkmoth and Mayura, take their miraculous, and once the miraculous is fixed, hand them to worthy champions—ones who are strong judges of others for the butterfly, and of who is in need for the peacock.”

             Rena felt her mind waver to Rose for the peacock—the girl who fought for everyone. She was blanking on a butterfly though—a strong judge of character was hard to think of as a core characteristic of someone she knew she could trust.

             “You have one in mind,” Vupyte said quietly. “Good. You will have to find another for the other, or an ally of yours must find candidates. The sooner this is determined, the sooner your Ladybug will come into her own. The only other way… would be dangerous.”

             Rena nodded. She texted Chat and Carapace to meet her to talk about what she learned. They’d protect Ladybug. Their Leader. Paris’ Savior. And their friend.

--

             Aurore is many things. Miss Sting is a necessity to keep Paris safe. Aurore of the weather girl duo on KIDZ+. Miss Mandeliev’s favorite to call on for environmental studies and among Bustier’s favorite to read a well researched report. She is also one of poor Marinette’s longest standing friends, and one of the only people who can catch her mid attack and get her to pull out of and process her spiral without setting off a different bout of anxiety.

              Which is why she captured the akuma in a jar, hid it in her backpack until Chat or LAdybug could handle it, and nabbed her friend in the first place when Alya messaged her. She is not on the best of terms with the reporter (she might be holding a grudge over Lady Wifi calling her a hack and may have gone on a spree fact checking the Ladyblog in the early days and found holes on a Certain Person who has been since excommunicated by the students of Dupont and left the school in disgrace within a less than a week of attending). Especially since she insisted on being Mairnette’s best friend when Marinette has her already. honestly, the other never has been the best at seeing the obvious…

             Like the fact that Marinette’s anxiety up ticked with Ladybug’s issues. Or that around the time Chat Noir took on being Mr. Bug, Marinette was injured. OR that Chat hangs around Marinette a lot when Marinette is around an attack, even covering for her.

             Aurore dealth in meteorology and environmental sciences. She dealth with public appearances, PR, and being a child star. It is not her place to point out that Marinette is clearly (a) Chat and Ladybug’s confidant somehow, (b) a member of the team (c) Ladybug or some combination thereof. She didn’t want to make a call, she didn’t have evidence to back it up, and she didn’t run on intuition like Alya.

             Aurore is a Bee, and they operate best within rules.

             Ladybug made not looking into identities a rule. One she’s certain Rena has been ignoring… but Miss Sting follows Ladybug’s word to the letter. She has not looked into anyone’s identity and actively ignored any possible relveations in favor of working on her civilian life and focusing on capturing akuma before someone becomes akumatized, and bringing her catches to Ladybug or Chat for purification or destruction respectfully. Depending on how schedules lined up for patrols.

             Now, Aurore is content listening to Marinette ramble about baking soda and baking powder with buttermilk on her latest recipe and how that connects to their chemistry homework (as they were both smart enough to dodge the math that goes into physics, unlike Adrien or Nino and Rose who were naïve enough to take music theory).

             That doesn’t stop her from seeing faint movement on their school roof in reflections.

             Ladybug may not have made it a rule to protect Marinette. Chat may not have stated such either, but his actions told her it was a priority. And her duties as Marinette’s longest unstrained friendship demanded she monitor the situation.

             Once Marinette went down for snacks, aurore snuck into her friend’s bathroom and transformed to send a single message” I think Chat’s princess has a stalker now. Keep an eye on repeats in her environment.”

--

             Pegasus was furious when he saw the message. Cowboy was hacking camera in the area as they spoke with the other members of the team.

             Rena paled and Carapace looked oddly dangerous in that moment.

             Chat Noir and Ryuuko were the most deadly of the group… Chat’s suit almost… moving, but it had to be a trick of the light. Ryuuko had the same look Rena did when Carapace did something particularly dangerous—like refuse to flee before his time ran out and somehow stayed transformed beyond the standard five minutes after using shelter through sheer force of will alone.

             Ryuuko turned to Chat with a most Peculiar shade of anger. “I will be shadowing her.”

             It was not a question, but a demand.

             “Shouldn’t we check with Ladybug?” Pegasus asked while continuing to check camera. Nothing. Nothing at all.

             This must have been what was setting his friend on edge these last few days. Someone stalking her, but just out of a camera’s reach. Professional…

             Pegasus desperately hoped it was some paparazzi after Marinette the Designer’s secret identity, or even MDC. Anything but someone going after her for something… something he wouldn’t let cross his mind.

             Chat shot him one look that obliterated the option entirely. Pegasus may not know who his comrades are outside of the mask, but he’d be a fool not to remember that Marinette was a spy on Gabriel Agreste. That she was in constant danger as a civilian.

             Was it Hawkmoth?

             Mayura?

             Someone they hired?

             He didn’t know, and he needed to. Needed to protect his friend.

             She believed in him when he wasn’t sure of himself. She argued against his worst insecurities (nuisance, annoyance, best left forgotten) and proved she likes Max for Max. For his rambles, for his excitement and passion and his own brand of sass to their friends.

             King Monkey appeared with a rare serious expression. He didn’t know of Marinette’s involvement at all—only Chat, Ladybug, Alya and himself did—but King must know Marinette. Because that look on his face reminded Max of a friend he’d seen punch someone a little too hard for their hand to keep Max safe from a pair ready to hurt him for his mumbling as a child.

             “Whoever is doing this,” King Monkey stated with an eerily calm. “I’m calling the right to make their life a bit too chaotic.”

             “Get in line,” Rena growled, her flute ready at a moment’s notice.

--

             Elsewhere three gothamites were passed out in the same room. They decided to take a break and watch a movie together.

             They had no idea the Very Displeased eldest of the batchildren had entered the room and forced them each in a separate bed, or that he allowed a certain “demon spawn” to add a variety of traps that, while they all knew how to escape at this point, were still ass to get out of and made it clear they were in hot water.

--

             Jason hoped things worked out for the best… after his screw up, he figured Dickie and Demon Spawn should at least have a fighting chance. Or at least Nightwing would have a better chance at convincing the Justice League and the Miraculous Team they meant no harm.

             He hopes.

--- 

hope you enjoyed!

BTW we have fanart by @thegreysman!!! here which tumblr is rudely not letting me show off. 

@heldtogetherbysafetypins @laurcad123 @raisuke06 @chaosace@jeminiikrystal @toodaloo-kangaroo @kris-pines04 @bisha43rbs @izang

[unwiltingblossom]

Code: Realize Route Review - SHIRLEY EXTRA ROUTE

We INTERRUPT YOUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED ROUTES WITH A SHIRLEY GORDON ROUTE REVIEW. Note, I’ve since done Finis’ route and much of Sholmes, but Shirley...Shirley can’t wait her turn.

Spoiler alert: There’s three good things about this route, unless you’re saving it for the last blast of nostalgia (don’t do that); Victor Frankenstein is present, Saint Germain is wonderful, and the boys all wear different clothing that, while more plain, makes them pretty hot. 

Every single part of this route other than that is awful, terrible, and should feel terrible.

Oh, Delly and Passy are cute, I guess. But they’re too good for this route. Spoilers for it, I guess, but I’m doing you a favor if you don’t read it. There’s also spoilers for some of the main routes, chiefly Germain’s and Victor’s. Mostly Saint Germain’s.

This one is more in-depth than usual routes, because...well...I hate all of it, so it’s not just jumping around to different points that I either love or hate or find frustrating.

If other reviews feel more like reactions to you, this one is more than thorough enough to be a review.

First thing’s first: Yes, Sholmes is in this route, but he’s not in it long enough to be able to pull it out of the muck and garbage that is this route.

Second: Yes, the boys all get cool BDH moments, but again, not even that can save this travesty of a route

I could have included those as small concessions at the start, but that wouldn’t fit the rule of three, and frankly those three things are the only stuff that’s present consistently enough to matter.

So the route opens with an amusing little scene where Lupin disguises himself as Sholmes (weirdly, Lupin flexes a skill that Sherlock Holmes would normally possess, but whatevs. Code Realize struggles a little to keep up with Sherlock. It happens.) and steals a statue, presumably sticking this story around the point where Lupin stole all the vamp treasures back for Delly. (It’s not, because later they establish it’s definitely after Victor’s chapter, and I think the airship race is referenced once as well, placing it in an alternate universe where Finis doesn’t ambush them at the lab and Lupin is like ‘whoops, I said I got everything but I forgot the most important treasure of all’)

He runs into some mafia who try to kill him to get the statue back, but if Lupin is anything, he’s bullet proof. You might expect this mafia stuff to loop back to the festival place that Lupin inadvertently wrecked, the sky pirates that he pissed off, or the black race they participated in. You’d be wrong. Those stuff are barely mentioned, and the only purpose they solve is a brief scene where The Demon flexes her skills.

So the Twilight are super hard looking for Cardia at this point and they may possibly even have narrowly escaped a Twilight raid at that lab without killing Finis (we know he’s not dead, because Cardia would never miss an opportunity to remind us of how scary Germain was when he killed Finis had it happened), and this naturally means that Impey decides to go ahead and send her off all on her own for a drive through Lowtown with just Sisi to defend her, because testing the automobile can’t wait and Van Helsing is about to create a bioweapon in the kitchen. Why doesn’t he send Delly with her? Because Delly doesn’t want to be in this story, don’t force him.

While on that test drive, where Cardia would be unable to fix the car if it broke down, making the test drive totally pointless except to needlessly endanger her and open up Finis’ route, The Demon appears. The Demon being the girl in the photo, and who the route is about, Shirley Gordon. Shirley. She’s the 13 year old daughter of a mafia boss who simultaneously just wants to be normal and wants to go on a murder spree.

Shirley makes a habit of running away from her ‘crime’ family. There’s no reason for her to do this, actually, because they dote on her, never make her do anything bad, and are really better considered vigilantes than mafia. They’re so virtuous that the Lawful Neutral Sholmes that explicitly states he only cares about what the law says, not about the morals behind those laws, thinks they’re a-okay and will help them without hesitation.

Anyway. Shirley runs away to do...something. It’s never clear where she thinks she’s running to, other than maybe hoping to find a different crime boss and murder the heck out of him. Along the way, she spots a random woman driving in an automobile and is like “Yes! That one! I’m going to drag her into this escape, knowing full well that it’s not just endangering her but everyone around when I make her SPEED through the streets running away from my family, even after she says ‘I can’t control the car any faster than this, I’ll hit civilians’!” She also tries to get her father killed by flinging him off of a car at high speed into a street full of other cars and horses. But it’s okay, cuz he’s sturdy.

Impey planned ahead for some danger that would inevitably befall Cardia, the most danger-attracted person in the kingdom (and I mean ‘attracted to danger’, because this is the woman who at one point is warned about a mass murderer and immediately decides she should go ahead and wander in the sewers until she gets lost because it’s raining) - he made a button that activates a transmitter that warns him if she’s in danger. And that’s it. He doesn’t even tell her what it is, so by the time she tries to use it, it’s too late to do anything effective. Imagine if instead of a band of vigilantes cornering her, it was Twilight. “Oh, gee, but I put a transmitter on her car! Where could Cardia-chan have GONE? She turned it on, but this is just an empty alleyway with the car, no Cardia.”

Everyone scolds Impey about it, but that’s mostly because of a sudden uptick in mafia stuff (which to be fair would also be bad, because had it been actual mafia they’d have gotten there in time to find Cardia’s bullet-ridden corpse instead) and not because he let Cardia go unsupervised while Twilight is still looking for her.

Okay, that’s a lot of words harping on one thing, but it’s the vital starting point of this entire story. It’s important, and it is ridiculous. Anyway, moving on. Stuff happens that isn’t important except as a plot framing device. Cardia talks with Shirley and her dad, and immediately accidentally reveals her poison. As one does. Because the mafia looks at a living weapon and doesn’t immediately recoil in horror, Cardia instantly latches on to them to the point that she almost forgets Lupin’s crew exists for a few seconds. (Elaine and Etty, too)

She remembers that ‘oh, you kidnapped me and you kept me in London and not in a super obvious landmark like St. Paul’s Cathedral or some apartment in Baker’s Street, you screwed up!’ just in time for the rescue party to make their explosive entrance. The crew sans Saint Germain (because Germain would be murdering people and that would be unfortunate under the circumstances) arrive in a blaze of glory that is, frankly, pretty fun and has a cool CGI. It’s a bright spot that’s only slightly dragged down by Cardia koalaing the first second third (fourth counting Sholmes just being surprised on the train and then discounting it) group of people who don’t see her as a monster (in a timeline where she never saw her 665 past versions) immediately upon seeing her alien acid--I mean poison.

Saint Germain arrives home just in time to feel a bit awkward for missing Cardia’s monthly kidnapping and hints at plot stuff. Delly is also there and is cute enough that Saint Germain can’t help teasing him a little. Some time later, no one seems particularly hurried, confirming this is either right after Victor’s chapter or an AU where Finis didn’t show up in the lab and everyone ended up at a dead end related to Isaac. Sholmes shows up at the mansion because for some reason a case that has his name practically written on it is too much for him to handle on his own and he feels he needs Arsene’s thief-y mind to help him with it (maybe he’s suspects it’s a trap and is looking into the Certain Person he’s hunting?)  - For no reason in particular, he goes ahead and leads the Gordons to Germain’s mansion as well.

Because Germain is there, it’s a pretty okay scene despite that. Sholmes and Germain are very alike and understand each other extremely well, and it sucks how little they get to interact.

Alas, the good scene can’t last, because while there’s a bunch of adults in a room talking, they unfortunately dragged dead weight into it, and it’s just a count down before Shirley blows her top. THIS HERE IS THE FIRST INSTANCE OF SOMETHING THAT REALLY BOTHERS ME.

Everyone, Cardia included, keeps crowing about how Shirley is Cardia’s first/only friend that is “Her age and gender”. Shirley is 13. At the end of this route, they will make a point to show that she’s about Delly’s age - Delly who is like a little brother/son and who never gets a route even two fandiscs in, because he’s too young. Cardia (although actually like 6) is in the body of someone who’s 17-18 years old. She’s a ‘young lady’, but not a child. She’s old enough that it’s not weird for thousands of years old Germain to be in love with her, nor is it creepy that Impey wants to sex her like a day after meeting her, and anywhere from 6 months to a year from the end of the plot each route she gets married. She’s old enough that Jack the Ripper considers her a legitimate target. She is NOT 13. Shirley isn’t her age, Shirley doesn’t act like her age. She’s basically a kid Cardia constantly has to babysit and who drags Cardia into trouble with her childish antics. It’s annoying that the game conflates a prepubescent child with an adult just because they’re both teenagers.

Anyway.

Shirley, in all her infinite wisdom, throws a temper tantrum because REASONS, and decides to drag Cardia out of an important meeting to go ‘have fun’ around town. And not only that, but she demands to do it without a single guard. While there are drug crazed killers wandering around town, and more importantly Twilight soldiers still looking for Cardia. Lupin gang comes to the absolutely deranged conclusion that Cardia will be fine ‘if she only runs into one or two Twilight’ as if that has ever been the case.

Remember how they all berated Impey for letting Cardia go on her own because dangerous mafia was out in the town? And then Cardia IMMEDIATELY GOT KIDNAPPED? Well, they don’t, because they all come to the same conclusion that Impey did and completely forget there’s still a group of killer mafia out there who probably are all the more likely to target Cardia when the daughter of a rival family is with her. If they wanted Shirley to shut up/Cardia to have some girl time, but they weren’t willing to send any adults out after her because it would be a bummer to catch that guy up on what he missed later, they could have sent Delly off to secretly tail her. But, again...Delly has his statue and now wants NOTHING to do with this route. As well he should.

Obviously, Cardia gets kidnapped immediately.

But first:

Shirley drags Cardia all over the place like an over-excited puppy, until she makes it to the mafia controlled festival place. Evidently it’s not her mafia, because while people are polite to her she still has to pay and play the games to get prizes. The cliche ‘she’s so good at shooting that an intentionally broken gun at a carnival game is no match for her’ thing plays out, complete with the ‘begging her to stop or they’ll go broke’ thing. What happens if you win too much is that the owner just says ‘mmkay you’re done for today’, that’s all. Also, even if you won the whole inventory from him, chances are he’s already made so much from failed attempts that it’d just be an annoyance.

At their last stop before they go home, Shirley finally realizes they’re being tailed (great reflexes, Shirley), and naturally her 13 year old, no-gun, no backup self immediately sprints after the person she’s sure killed her mother. Cardia, instead of picking up the girl with her superior strength and speed and carrying her home, foolishly decides to go off into the alleyways - which she KNOWS she shouldn’t do - after her.

Shock. Shirley runs into a blatant trap, because she is a child. She barks and yaps at the mafioso because she could do literally nothing else when she’s not even armed, and then Cardia is kidnapped alongside Shirley. Good job, Shirley! Your father was part of a three-part collaboration to take down Avido, but you bravely marched yourself into his arms and gave him ultimate leverage against not one but two of those groups!

Instead of instantly being killed to send a message, or even immediately used as effective leverage, they’re fortunate enough to just get stuck on a ship. It’s a good thing Avido has no connections to Twilight, because it sure would suck if he kept Shirley for leverage and then sent Cardia off to Finis. Fortunately, Impey learned from his previous mistake and this time put the tracker ON Cardia. So they can find her dead body more easily, if she ran into literally anyone who didn’t decide to just keep her safely locked up somewhere instead of killing her.

Shirley tells her sob story, it pales in comparison to even Lupin’s past, but Cardia feels terrible for her anyway because she hasn’t heard any of those stories yet on this route. Shirley, who wouldn’t sound out of place as Leon’s daughter, screams and tantrums about how she’s definitely gonna kill Avido while trapped in a cell who-knows-where with no actual way to kill him. She nearly just kills herself instead, slamming uselessly into the door like a rabid dog. Cardia has to jump in the way just to stop her.

Because, despite her rampant kidnapping, Cardia is actually competent most of the time, once Shirley stops causing a ruckus Cardia manages to spring them from the cell. The escape doesn’t last, because Avido uses ‘infinite footsteps’ jutsu, and Cardia and Shirley are surrounded. Remember in the Train Robbery chapter where Cardia remarks that Van Helsing taught her it’s really hard to get overwhelmed in an enclosed space like a tight hallway?

Yeah, forget that.

Anyway, in a charming semi-callback moment, the wall explodes nearby, letting Van Helsing and Germain into the hallway, chattering pleasantly with each other. Germain looks dapper AF while walking through the wreckage of the wall, as usual. It’s a nice moment. And, you know, if you get rescued by Van and Germain you’re pretty much set. Not much is gonna overwhelm that.

EXCEPT WHEN IT DOES, HAH. Avido pulls the ol’ “I have your friends and if you don’t want them to die, you’d best come with me peacefully” and so naturally the noted war hero whose family died because he went along with such a demand and the hostage taker killed them anyway, and the multi-thousands of year old assassin who has not just seen every trick in the book but probably written the book, immediately fall for it and go along with Avido.

Everyone, including the trickster thief and the other mafioso, also fell for the trick and so everyone ends up gathered in one place at the ballroom as Avido wants. Fortunately, Avido didn’t bring them all together to easily execute them, because their total lack of trust for each other’s skills really would have bitten them all in the butt then (except Germain, who would have egg on his face shortly before he killed all the mafia on board in revenge, I’m sure). Instead, he just wants them to...be there.

No, he doesn’t have any specific purpose for them. He just wants them there. He also wants Cardia dressed up for no particular reason. Fortunately, the Gordons gave Cardia a fancy dress right before she got kidnapped, and Victor has the poison proofing down so well now that he can just go ahead and treat a complex ensemble like that while riding in a car speeding its way to Liverpool. Because...well, there’s no actual reason why he’d feel it was an emergency to treat that clothing, nor why he’d even have brought it, but it’s a good thing Victor really wanted to see Cardia in that dress.

I guess you can argue that Lupin decided it was a part of his plan to make Cardia strip down and swap clothes when they found her so she could sneak out, but...that’s a stretch and a half. Especially when they were exploding walls to get in and find her. Stealth is gone when you use explosions, boys.

Anyway, the outfits Lupin made for the boys are great. Yes, they’re a little plain and not nearly as quirky as their normal ones...but that’s not necessarily a bad thing. Some annoying things like Impey’s always half-off sleeve are gone, and both Victor’s questionable color scheme and Lupin’s atrocity are replaced with a suit meant to make them look good. Still the pointless top hats though. Always the top hats.

Unfortunately, though Shirley’s also meant to change, the plot and game itself instantaneously forgets this and it’s never mentioned or shown. Even more unfortunate: you might see Cardia in a beautiful new outfit and hope for the boys to give some kind of impressed, breathtaken, or blushy response.

They won’t. No one even comments on how she looks beyond maybe Shirley. Not even Impey, noted horndog, makes a comment. Lupin who presumably is the reason they brought the dress at all makes no comment, In short, Cardia looking pretty is just for you, the player. It won’t make any difference except that she gets a CG or two dressed up in it.

Avido flexes that all the sketchy mafia and questionable nobility who attend a black market cruise are in danger if Lupin or Gordon makes a move. Fortunately for his plans, everyone except Shirley actually cares about that, and so their hands are tied. Again, not really sure why Avido would threaten his customers so that people who want to take him down and provide him zero benefit won’t do anything when he even says later he could gun them down in full view and none of his customers would find it weird.

When the gang and mafia are all put into an extravagant room that Saint Germain had previously booked for himself (because he’s a bit of a cad that loves his antiques, dammit, the fact that it’s illegally acquired is really not that important!) Shirley realizes it’s been practically a whole half hour since she’s made a nuisance of herself, and so she starts screaming and tantrumming because her father didn’t shoot Avido dead back when there were countless bystanders around and each one of her allies - herself included - had guns pointed at them.

No. She literally throws a shrieking tantrum that involves flinging things across the room when he sends her off essentially ‘to her room’, and then spends the rest of the night sobbing into Passy’s arms. This, the person who keeps whining and complaining that no one will treat her like an adult, that people keep sheltering, that Cardia bafflingly keeps trying to compare herself to. She has a childish meltdown when she’s told ‘no, we can’t just kill Avido right now’.

Amazing.

Her dad, Darius, tells his sob story. It’s basically the same as Shirley’s, nothing really to write home about. Honestly, I kept expecting some kind of twist where Shirley’s mother actually betrayed them and he’d been forced to kill her to save Shirley, or her mother was actually on the cruise ship working with Avido. That’s how boring and unimportant the backstory is. You think Impey and Lupin’s stories are limp? Shirley’s story is just a big old ‘so?’. Even the last detail Darius later adds is like ‘and? You got angry and wanted to kill someone for murdering your wife. But you didn’t.’

Imagine for a moment if Germain’s story was that he got to know that little boy, got attached, and then even though he desperately didn’t want to do it, he killed him like he was supposed to. And then nothing happened after that, he just went on continuing to Idea Apostle

YEAH! THAT’S RIGHT! EVEN THAT WOULD BE MUCH WORSE THAN DARIUS’ STORY.

I’m getting sidetracked here, but this is a brutal part of the story that’s hard to get through, because Shirley is so beyond obnoxious, screaming and throwing a literal fit because no one listens to her, while they play the sad music that means you’re supposed to care.

Anyway, because Avido was too dumb to kill the people who are determined to stop him, Lupin and the others immediately start plotting to stop him. There’s a drug plot that’s designed to make the statue Lupin steals matter and give Victor something to do. Cardia is a competent nurse and Victor looks hot while he saves someone’s life, but man did I think it was a trap when someone ran in saying Victor was calling for her. That would be giving this route WAY too much credit.

For reasons that aren’t clear, there’s a room that has a bunch of counterfeit treasures of everything that’s up for sale. They bad counterfeits, though, and couldn’t possibly be mistaken for the same item, so it’s not like it’s an art theft swap or something. It just serves to show where a small part of the drugs are hidden. Not all of them, mind, because that would give the room a reason to exist. Just some of it.

The crew split up. Impey and Van Helsing both go to the engine room so they can seize it and turn the ship around before it can go to international waters. Because for some reason crimes committed there would cause a war or something. Cardia probably could have mentioned to them that she took out the whole engine crew on her own, so using up the vampire AND the living weapon on that assignment isn’t likely to be necessary, but that’d require some kind of sense, which this route doesn’t have.

Victor, Lupin, and Germain do...stuff. I think Germain goes off to seize the drugs in the food, Victor goes off somewhere nondescript to make an antidote, and Lupin farts around for a while to waste some time. What’s important is that even though Cardia’s there to see all the assignments go out, Lupin secretly also told Germain to find all the valuables in the ship and set charges on them. Probably because it would take .5 seconds for Germain to overpower some cooks and mafia boys and everyone knows it.

Cardia, bereft of plot, goes back to the room to wait to be important, and finds out that Shirley realized she slept through her half hour and forced her way through a window...I guess to the outside of the ship? And scaled up the outside of the hull like the demon beast she is, to escape confinement in her room. So she can run off and be a waste of space and oxygen not in her room, but somewhere actively detrimental to all the plans everyone’s made without her.

Presumably because everyone is as sick of Shirley as I am at this point, no one even tries to look for her this time. Maybe they all hoped she fell off overboard, I dunno. You’d think they’d all know she’d make a beeline to Avido and go collect her there, banking on the fact that Avido doesn’t know they’re planning anything (effective) and is determined to make them play the part of innocent passengers right now. But nah. She’d just screw up any plan they made anyway.

Lupin showboats around and disseminates the antidote to all the passengers during the auction via a fancy champagne tower. Then, long before all of them could actually have drank their cups, he goes ahead and tells Avido exactly what he’s done, forcing them to move onto the next step. The step that definitely involves most of the passengers dropping their glasses in a blind panic.

Avido, by the way, is a human traficker. The reason he keeps Cardia alive and kidnaps her instead of leaving her be or killing her is because he thinks she’d sell for a high price. It’s not a secret that he does this. Mafia apparently do it all the time, to the point where the no-crime Gordon family casually discuss the possibility of selling Cardia until another person has to remind the first that ‘yo we don’t do that’. Avido also traffics drugs. Drugs which inevitably either kill the user or turns the user into a violent zombie akin to a Hidden Strength victim, meaning that he’s causing a lot of deaths. Avido has personally killed a whole lot of people. He murdered one of his henchmen just because they failed to get a statue he doesn’t even care that much about.

Got that? Avido’s a bad boy. Objectively, Avido is worse than just about anyone else in the game other than Victoria - who at least has her ‘greater good’ reasons - Isaac - who is insane with grief - and Azoth. Hidden Strength victims are out of their mind, and while Nemo is callous toward human life in the face of science, he doesn’t go out of his way to murder for kicks and giggles. He’s also insane. Omnibus, also, is a question of personal morality vs greater good. Avido? Stone-cold sane, no greater good involved, he just wants power because he thinks it sounds fun.

Now that we’ve established that, does anyone in the room just kill Avido?

No. No they do not. Instead, they waffle about it and ramble about philosophy until he’s able to wrench back the upper hand via sheer numbers (because Van and Germain are otherwise engaged), and backs everyone up onto the surface of the boat.

Sadly, Shirley didn’t fall off the boat, she just jumped into Avido’s arms so she could become his hostage. AGAIN. He doesn’t reveal this at first, even when they’re outside and he has the upper hand. He takes his time before he brings out the unconscious Shirley. Supposedly she got so far as to point a gun at Avido this time, but I don’t think I believe him, because her strategy up until this point has been ‘angrily yap at him hoping he’ll just off himself’. Plus she’s supposed to actually have some skill with a gun and is psychotically enraged at him. She’d definitely have shot him if she ever thought to bring a gun.

Fortunately, there’s still some competent people on board the ship, and Impey + Van Helsing bust through the top of the ship in Impey’s automobile to help turn the tide of the battle. Sisi is there too. Which makes one ask ‘where is Delly, then?’

The answer is ‘not in this route, screw you, he doesn’t want to be here’.

Where’s Germain? He’s busy. It’ll be obvious why in a bit. That said, they have Avido dead to rights once Van Helsing and Impey get there (it’s mostly Van. Impey’s great and all, but Van doesn’t need back up) What do they do? Do they kill this murdering scumbag who wants to rule the entire world just so he can kill people when he feels like it? Who’s sold girls off into slavery? Who’s killed people just because he felt annoyed?

NO. FOR IF YOU KILL ME, BATMAN, YOU WILL BECOME ME.

Now, Impey and Lupin don’t kill. Even when Lupin was like ‘Hey, I love this girl and if you say that again I’ll literally kill you’, he didn’t actually kill the guy when the person immediately said it again. Victor can do it, but it’s pretty deeply traumatizing to him, and he’s pretty firmly in the ‘might doesn’t make right’ camp. But Van Helsing does. Sure, he’s deeply traumatized from the war and he won’t kill unless necessary - pretty much it’s a hard sell to kill anyone not Finis shaped....but he does it. Between ‘crime family compromising its ideals for revenge and becoming criminals’ and ‘man under the protection of the crown killing a violent and horrible criminal he was sent to deal with who has directly endangered his friends’, Van’s gonna just step up and do it.

Instead though, it seems Lupin had told everyone on the team except Cardia about his actual plan, which was to blow all the treasures to hell instead, and let Shirley pull the trigger. because revenge, I guess.

Since the ship is now SINKING, Impey and everyone but Germain (hold pls, he’s busy) drive off of the ship onto the dock in a way that would definitely do damage to the car and the dock, and into the night with the assumption that the Yard will do clean up from there.

In the biggest plot twist of the entire route, when treated the exact same way he was last time he got caught and had his plans blow up in his face, Avido again doesn’t learn his lesson. Instead, he manages to get a mother heckin tank off of his sinking ship and chases the Impeymobile through the streets.

Let me take a moment to say: the insane scientist he got this from had BETTER be Nemo, or else all of Victoria’s dreams of the UK having superior military force to the rest of the world just went up in smoke. Because, fun fact, Germany wasn’t so hard to handle in WW2 because of mustard gas. It was their tanks. (and as another aside: Germany got beaten up in WW1, only to come back dominant in WW2, so Victoria’s entire ‘spark a world war now to ensure dominance forever’ plan wouldn’t work no matter what)

Anyway, back to the subject at hand: I’m not mad that they don’t know how to fight a tank. That’s understandable. Tanks are a big deal. My problem is that the tank is able to plow right through solid brick buildings lengthwise. Not one or two, but just...constantly plowing through the alleyways at a speed so high that an automobile can’t escape. That is not how it works. Another problem is that neither Impey nor Lupin ever realize that the tank can’t turn for heck, and the automobile could spin circles around it if necessary.

But most of all, Avido pops his stupid head out of the tank at one point during the chase, and somehow it continues to be piloted. There’s never any mention or indication that anyone is in that tank besides him, he’s just Mr. Fantastic, and can stretch out and bend his legs infinitely, allowing him to pilot a tank full speed while standing more than halfway out of the thing. Worse than that super power, we have an impenetrable literal tank chasing the Lupin group around, destroying Liverpool, backing them into a corner. Soon they’re going to run out of a place to run, or they’re going to get hit and die.

Why, then, does Van Helsing see Avido pop his stupid head out, and proceed to do literally nothing? Obviously at this point he should just kill Avido, because nothing else will stop him, but just a few minutes before it’s mentioned that Van Helsing is so quick to switch from shrapnel to rock salt that it looks like some kind of a super power, which means he has ZERO reason he can’t just shoot Avido in the face with rock salt and knock the fool out.

Instead...they do nothing and just listen to him babble for a bit until his head pops back in again. Then they discuss jumping over to the tank and probably intend to get in there to get at him. You know, like they could have just done if he popped his head out.

Faced with all possible choices, Lupin decides the smart thing to do is to ram full speed into a renovating hotel and hope Avido is stupid enough to follow in. And, you know, that the falling debris will do anything to a tank that rammed right through an entire alleyway worth of buildings without slowing down or looking at all damaged.

Van Helsing is Van Helsing, and he protects the automobile from excessive damage, and lo - the plan works. It incapacitates the tank.

Avido, who could now safely play dead and wait for them to leave, instead climbs out of the tank (uninjured) and comes at them again. At this point although he was initially intimidated by Van Helsing he seems to be aware that no one is ever going to kill him, because he charges Van Helsing again.

Cue long boring monologue involving Avido’s slightly more interesting sob story and Darius absolutely refusing to ever kill Avido because IDEALS.

Currently they looped back around to the port and are near the boat, which may make you say ‘oh wait, where is Saint Germain anyway?’ The answer to that question is ‘not there, because we can’t have a literal time assassin who massacres entire villages of innocent people for the sake of the timeline be here while we pretend that good people don’t kill’. Sholmes also sat this out, because he would have been given permission to kill Avido legally, and we can’t have that.

But yes.

Germain’s busy on the boat threatening to kill people for some sweet art, while everyone is passionately preaching at Avido that they’d never kill him, not ever. Which is good for Avido, because if Germain weren’t busy getting filthier rich, the conversation would have been cut very short.

Y’know.

When Germain just stabbed him through the heart from behind.

As he does.

Also, we’d have to answer the question of ‘if this man is endangering the entire world with his plan, or even all of London, isn’t this a serious concern for the proper path of humanity? Ie; shouldn’t Germain be killing this man?’ if he were there.

Darius is like ‘well, you’re family, so even though you’re a murderous psychopath who purposefully got people nonconsensually addicted to a deadly drug and sold who knows how many innocents into slavery, I’m gonna look out for you’ just in time for Leonhart to show up and flail angrily at Arsene.

He immediately blames Lupin and the gang for the mass destruction of Liverpool, and instead of anyone saying “Well, actually it’s that tank there, It kept shelling the place and mowing through buildings because Avido is a psychopath”, Victor goes “Well, we have no excuse”

yes

yes you do

you didn’t do the destruction. (Except the hotel, but at that point it was ‘damage a rebuilding hotel or die’, so really...)

There’s a vaguely humorous bit where the mafioso realizes that the royal guard isn’t interested in arresting the mafia, just the random band of thieves, and then, wonderfully...Saint Germain finally shows up.

Truly, he lights up everything when he’s around. Aside from the times when he’s obligated to turn his murder blades on Cardia. That’s just sad.

Anyway, left to his own devices, Germain extorted a bunch of mafia into overfilling his automobile full of priceless treasures and cash. He’s shameless about it. It’s adorable. Give that man your art. Do it. It’s not a request, he’s taking your art.

Anyway, since the Impeymobile is wrecked, they all hop into Germain’s getaway car, and zoom off in a pretty cute ending CG, benny hill music playing as Leon chases them and Victor - poor, precious baby - nearly falling out of the car like a dweeb.

Sadly, there’s an epilogue, because this route is bad and it won’t let Germain save it.

Oh yeah, there’s an irrelevant noble who dies right before Germain probably would have killed him anyway. It’s stated that no one really tries to stop Germain from keeping his treasures, because most of them were originally acquired illegally and some are even national treasures of other nations, so even acknowledging they exist would possibly spark a war that Victoria totally, definitely doesn’t actually want for realsies.

Victoria responds to them saving the country and the world by not really responding. Instead, she sends them an invoice for the damage to Liverpool that they didn’t cause. It’s just so knee-slappingly hilarious that the invoice somehow matches the cost of those aforementioned priceless treasures. Because that gag is ALWAYS FUNNY AND NEVER OLD! IT’S SO FUNNY! HAHA THEY MADE MONEY BUT THE COST TOOK UP ALL THE MONEY! HAHA

except you know...

how...

how does the cost match priceless artifacts? Germain isn’t selling them, and he can’t even if he wants to. There’s not even price tags on some of them. How is it they’re ‘in the red’? Just the cash that was in the car?

Yeah, no, it’s stupid.

And to just cap off that bowl of stupid, we get to see The Demon, who unfortunately survived her repeated kamekaze attempts. This time the Lupin gang remembered that Twilight exists, so Delly and Passy go with her and Cardia on the town.

Naturally, because Shirley’s a little shit, she harasses and disrespects Delly.

...Well, it’s supposed to just be ‘two kids playing’, but Shirley’s a miserable little cave troll without a single redeeming iota of her being, so it just comes off as her being unreasonably rude to Delly.

There’s another photographer moment like in the Airship picture, but instead of a cute picture, it’s cropped out Delly and Passy, and just focuses on Shirley and Cardia holding ice cream, while the little brat has five scoops on her cone, which is definitely going to end up mostly melted on the street.

The route ends with Cardia being happy that she’s ‘made a friend that’s her same gender and age’. After establishing RIGHT BEFORE that Shirley is about Delly’s age, and is playing like a child with him while Cardia and Passy watch them.

Also for some weird reason, everyone is convinced that Sisi is a guard dog in this route. Just because.

You might think ‘is there a pay off with that whole statue thing’? no

You might think ‘okay, so what’s the conclusion with Herlock Sholmes? Does he toss some part of his earning for the assignment to Lupin and the others who actually did 100% of the job while he sat back and did nothing?’ no, nothing happens

You may think ‘okay, at least maybe they clarify what happens with the Twilight, or where Shirley is during the epilogues?’ no

no they don’t.

you may even think ‘at least Avido is dead or in prison or something permanently punished for all the horrible-’

no

no

it’s a bad route

it’s an awful route

it’s bad, bro.

Just enjoy the boys - particularly Germain - being cute. That’s all you get.

But not Delly.

Delly didn’t want to be a part of this crappy route.

[iphoenixrising]

Have you ever thought of doing a random "accidentally married" thing with Tim? Say, he has a good day and helps two complete. Only those two people aren't actually human, and by helping them he accidentally married them by their traditions? I was reading a fanfiction about an accidental marriage and thought about your Tim.

Hi babe.

Ah, the only one I’ve done is here: https://iphoenixrising.tumblr.com/post/176647509047/from-that-writing-thing-you-reblogged-in-your. 

It’s a little bit of TimDami for your day ;)

But, I’m thinking like Red Robin just chilling out and taking down some awful alien bad guys hiding out on Earth with these two Barrilion detectives. The team is on a break for two weeks, so Red has found something to keep him occupied.

Barlot and Salsdan are good detectives. They’ve studied enough of Earth’s customs on their way chasing the gang of intergalactic baddies to get most of his terrible references. 

So, really. Score.

It’s even better when they finally track a shady link to the underground selling very advanced weaponry. His usual Whirlybirds are super effective and the small throwing discs Salsdan gave him before they made their way into the abandoned installation.

Since he would be a bad planetary host if the visitors got injured during an operation, he takes a few more hits than necessary to throw both of them out of the way one time or another. 

Still, it doesn’t take much more effort than a usual brawl between the team and H.I.V.E, so after the thugs are tied up and the aliens cuffed with special manacles, Red Robin is prepared to call it a good night.  

He ends up on their ship, patching himself up, talking to an ambassador on the wave comm to give his statement as “local law enforcement” (they don’t need to know differently), and rides to the Watch Tower with them to transfer the baddies to a holding cell and wait for a prison ship to swing by this sector.

Red Robin gives them a good-bye wave, and goes to the room he still has on the Watch Tower. One inside the Titan’s main set of rooms, a place he can get out of the suit and take a shower. 

He doesn’t expect the two detectives to be following him, and slip inside the main room with him until there are suddenly hands all over his body.

“This is lovely,” Barlot is at his throat, teeth moving over the tendon, drawing a gasp out of the pinned vigilante. “Perfect place for the first mating. Agree, partner?”

Salsdan moans in his mouth, eats his noises right down.

“Come, come, let him at least breathe. Stop being greedy!”

That shakes him out of being very pliant with the attention (it’s been a while, don’t judge, okay?), and the vigilante senses kick in automatically.

He flips over Barlot’s smaller figure, puts his back to the door, hands up for a possible strike. “What the utter fuck–”

“You saved our lives,” Salsdan blinks at him, hands up, “that’s the best courting gift I’ve ever got, even from this blort.”

“I gave your a perfectly acceptable gift!” Barlot snipes back, eyes all for the beautiful, intelligent Earthling he is fairly salivating to have.

“Stop. Right. There.” Red only straightens slightly, “I did not give anyone a courting gift. At. All.”

“Husband,” Barlot chances a step closer, his unusual eyes softly fond, “aiding us in our quest is absolutely a courting gesture. But saving us? Both of us? At great risk to yourself? What else could that be except proof you like us enough to be– um, to be…joined? Ah, no, something else? Um…”

Salsdan is beside him, subtly getting even closer to the shocked vigilante. “Married, Bar. It is termed differently in our language, but the premise is the same.” And the hand suddenly on his jaw is just slightly cooler, softer than a normal human hand, turning him to look in those eyes. “When you spilled blood for us, you claimed us as yours, Husband.”

“I’m sorry…I what now?”

He flinches a little, but Barlot has him by one wrist, both of them closing in, “now, we can either accept by completing the ritual with copious mating and make vows.”

Copious. Mating.

What the hell has he gotten himself into?!

“This is a huge misunderstanding,” he deadpan even though the hand working itself to the back of his neck is rubbing out the knots there. “I am way too young to get married, and I saved you because it would be totally shitty of me to let any visitors on my planet get killed by bad guys.”

With his free hand, he grips Salsdan’s wrist, stopping the motion. His other hand turns in Barlot’s, holding both aliens still. 

The two detectives exchange a glance, something that vaguely reminds him of how Nightwing and Hood exchange those couple-y looks. 

“We definitely misunderstood,” Barlot turns back to meet his whiteouts with a small smile. “Our apologies.”

“If you would be open to it, we would still enjoy mating with you?” Salsdan finishes hopefully. “Without the joining, I promise. But you are quite a lovely creature, Red Robin. Bar and I would very much enjoy taking you to bed.”

Well, this is better than expected.

“…Tim. I… My name is Tim.”

Both aliens step up into him again, taking the statement for what it was.

Permission.

This time he can fall back into their hands, peel away layers of the suit, and drunkenly walk them through the communal room to his own. His mouth and body are kept busy with their attention and his own exploration. 

The make soft clicking noises against him, longer, rougher tongues on the sensitive parts of his body, and it feels fucking amazing to be touched.

It’s even better to be bracketed in by two bodies in between rounds for the next 48 hours, to be bare and held in a tangle of limbs, for lazy kisses against the back of his neck, the soft nips, and lithe tongue sliding back in his mouth when he’s awake enough to moan. 

But he doesn’t feel terrible when the fun is ended with a wave from home world. The next case is coming up, so it’s time to go home. And their last time trying out his shower is the absolute best way to diplomatically say come back any time.

He sees them to their ship suited up and masked, hair still slightly wet from the shower.

They shake his hand with soft smiles and a promise to try coming back one day. He grins back without believing a word, gives best of luck on the next move in the fight against the baddies, and goes back to his regularly schedule crime fighting time.

It’s a few months later, maybe when Tim’s working something close with the Batfamily in Gotham when the Barrilions show up again, and greet him with a little too much PDA for Hood and N not to notice. 

(Who zzat fucker nuzzlin’ my Timmy?)(If I’m going to cause an intergalactic incident, it’s going to be tonight.)

“Whoa! Nice to see you guys too,” while Red is literally lightheaded with how hot his face is, “right in the middle of a case here. This is Nightwing and the Red Hood. My…colleagues.” 

He doesn’t even see it when both vigilantes whip right the hell around to give him intense stares from behind whiteouts.

“Oh! More Earth law enforcements!” Barlot keeps an arm around his waist, above the utility belt. “How nice to meet you. Did our almost-Husband tell you of our adventures here on your planet?”

Salsdan slides up on his other side, and Red Robin pauses when he really, really thinks about how the aliens are both taller than him, lean muscle with dark-hair, strong jawlines and Barlot has a blue stripe in the fluff of hair above his eyes while Salsadan moves like a dancer…

(Oh. Fuck.)

“Almost-Husband, Red? Wanna ‘splain that ta us?”“Your…friends need to follow planetary protocol for all aliens, Red Robin,” and Nightwing is standing with back straight and an impressive loom going on there. “They have to check-in with the JLA at the Watch Tower before coming on-world.”

“Oh! Our mistake,” Barlot flutters his eyes at them with a smirk, “perhaps Tim could come with us to check in so we will know proper procedure for next time.”

Which is absolutely a crock of shit.

And the Bats seem to pick-up on it, Hood taking him by the wrist, pulling him away in a move that is terribly possessive for someone he just, you know, fights crime with and shit. 

“Ya already been visiting, asshole,” is low with the synths, “n’ we gotta date with our boy here. Earth business, s’ do me a solid an’ fuck off.”

Which will probably end with Hood and N trailing Red Robin back to his Perch when the sun is riding the sky in Gotham. The whole almost married thing will come out and probably spurn some terribly sweet scene with Jason and Dick pinning him down and demanding he say he’s theirs, not some alien fuckers, Timmers. We gotcha first.

Totally had dibs, Timmy.  So. Much. Dibs.

And something utterly insane is going to pop out of his kiss-swollen mouth, something he’s wanted for so fucking long–

“Prove it.”

**

WOW. That ah…that got long huh babe?

[ayakashiramblings]

Could I get the dawn faction reacting to an mc who is the 'aggressive mom friend'. Takes no bs, isn't afraid to give a verbal lashing, will glare if you don't use a coaster in their home, but will also ask if you've been eating because you look too thin and them will proceed to cook you a full meal, will see a hole in your clothes and immediately mend it, will jump to your defense in a heart beat. "Shut your mouth and eat these cookies I made for you." Essentially.

Them with an Aggressive Mum Friend MC: Dawn Faction

Yura

We have entered a dark age with the arrival of Mom!MC.

Good-bye Yura’s diet. How MC hides his stash, god knows. 

Like, the size itself should have given it away?

Yura considers making himself look even younger.

Accidentally turns into a baby.

Still can't get his treats because somehow MC has created posters all over town warning vendors not to give any sugar to this poor boy.

Cries. 

Tries to pull the 1000-year-old card before succumbing to pettily pasting drawings of sugary confections like hexes around the house

She draws over them. Nothing will get through her iron heart.

This Cold War only ends when Yura finally sniffs out something sweet brewing in the kitchen.

That’s right, MC had baked up a storm using all natural ingredients and cutting the sugar levels.

Yura now has a regular baking session with MC… and several sugar sessions when he thinks MC is not watching.

Ginnojo

Bless him. He’s an obedient angel that willingly goes along with MC’s advice/instructions/orders.

The least problematic out of the whole faction… other than the fact MC has to cook up meals meant for 15 army men…

… Always having to accompany him on the vigilante actions…

… Where he has to wonder how in the world is MC carrying several packets of nuts, fruits, veggies, a whole chicken and a portable stove….

… Not to mention sewing equipment… meant for clothes AND medical stitching... 

�� Like she even fashioned make-shift armour, HOW?! Sure, she dumps it unceremoniously on him but dang!

Helping him organize the books…. 

Albeit very roughly that each time she shoves a novel into a shelf that is probably labelled, colour-coded and even numbered, the customers have to wonder if they forgot to pay or something.

Is on the grapevine with stall vendor, constantly checking out for shady characters that Ginnojo would check out.

Will fight Kagemaru (when has he not, though?) if that spider-woman ayakashi were to dare insinuate that MC is an elderly mother or something.

MC just stands back supplying all the weapons from her bottomless tiny reticule until she reminds them that it is midnight.

Probably the one who invented saving the world before bedtime. Ginnojo finally sleeps well in a finely pressed bed MC makes sure nobody touches with a whole barrier.

Koga

Good god, here is the Daddy.

 … Wait, I didn’t mean it THAT way…

Seriously, he is the only one that will balance the MC.

Will help MC relax and lighten her load along with Aoi because she does get high-strung nagging and looking after them.

This includes disciplining the boys with a considerably lighter punishment, talking with them, or just assisting MC with the rest of the chores.

She doesn't really have to do much for him honestly because he has his life mostly together (except for certain issues, hint, hint) which is why she is an expert at jumping to his defence… against himself.

Before he even thinks of doing anything remotely stupid or suicidal, she’ll always be there throw and smack him down with her own cost-benefit analysis (yes, she does it with fancy hand-lettering, washi tape, and all of that jazz).

Tackles him into a suffocating hug that even Kuro is taking notes to execute next time.

There’s even a list of every single back-up plan just in case something goes awry.

Has a chart of all the best Ayakashi that would be most compatible with the line of action.

Koga, for once, is kind of liking being told all the outcomes because, hoo damn, she is fine when she is losing her mind.

Why, Koga? Why?

Kuya

He isn't going to sleep that much because he meets his nightmare dressed like a daydream.

Or is it daydream that looks like a nightmare?

Either way, MC is E.V.E.R.Y.W.H.E.R.E.

You thought her weapon is only used for Wraiths?

“KUYA! YOU HAVE SLEPT HALF THE DAY AWAY! GO OUTSIDE!”

“KUYA, YOU HAVE BEEN OUTSIDE TOO LONG! GO INSIDE!”

Regularly rants with Aoi over Kuya.

However, she is also the same girl that will cook up a storm and even replicate Oji’s special omurice.

Where Kuya fails to pay attention (which is usually… 54.9% of the time), she helps him beyond than what is necessary, how can he stop her (unlike him bickering with Aoi)?

Is in charge of his schedule so that he still has his precious naps where she offers her lap as a pillow but also gets out and does more than just sit there and for once, she might see him getting inspired to write on-the-go.

Considering how the stuffing of his pillow keeps escaping, he is willing to just venture out and patrol, with the occasional treat of ice-cream.

Even reads Ginnojo’s books aloud as a sort of storytime session and for once, he will actually remember the tales because it was done via audio and MC’s voice is pretty when she isn't shouting at him to move and tugging him by the wing so that she can sweep the verandah.

Aoi

The novel of the year. A slow-burn mum-ance that started from an intense parenting competition to become the most spiritual experience ever. 

So yes, MC and he got off to a pretty rocky start.

He cooks 15 bowls of cutlet rice, she criticizes the sauce and proceeds to decorate all of them like a Pinterest mum.

Ginnojo doesn’t get to eat but he does get a free show.

She makes her own cleaning supplies, he criticizes that she missed a spot (like that fleck of dust bunny in that crack) and proceeds to pick at it with the hugest magnifying glasses and smallest brush and dustpan she has ever seen.

Gaku steals the rest of the equipment to clean his tools space.

There is that subtle child comparison competition going on between them.

“Hmph, at least Kuya wakes up to help plate the food for 35 minutes instead of 30 minutes.”

“Wow, just like how Oji has been taking 2.5-minute breaks instead of 5 and cleans the rim of the front vase.”

They both cry together when one of their sons has accomplished something super monumental. 

“WOW KOGA ISN'T DRINKING LIKE A FISH AT DAWN?! “

Eventually, they start arranging the cutest parenting sessions where they share tips, help co-parent and of course, complain whilst doing everything for their families.

[adamwatchesmovies]

The Worst of 2019 (So Far)

And now we get to the opposite of yesterday’s post: the worst of what we’ve seen so far. Time to give them a proper thrashing before they (hopefully) fade into obscurity. Disappointingly, there's a general lack of films that were bad but in an interesting way. Mostly, it’s either been the same sorta dreck we usually get with a couple of unusually offensive stories and a couple of soul-crushingly bad superhero flicks. Curious? Read on.

10. Serenity

I like to save my #10 spot on the “Worst of” list for a movie that has a chance of becoming a favorite among those who love bad movies. Serenity is competently enough made that it does not belong in the same category as The Identical or Runaway. It’s another kind of bad movie, the kind that baffles anyone who sees it and who will have film historians scratching their heads in the future. It’s not quite on the same level as 2017’s “The Book of Henry” but close. Top-notch actors at the top of their career in a story so poorly conceived it would’ve been brilliant if it weren’t awful and utterly absurd.

The revelation that everything we've been seeing is actually part of a video game programmed by an angry teen who hates his abusive father, and that his actions are tied to those of Matthew McConaughey's character is the kind of nutty decision someone at some point should've questioned. My advice? Surprise some unsuspecting friends with it. Periodically pause the movie so they can write down how they think it'll all fit together and then watch their faces as they're proved wrong.

9. After

I’m not going to remember After down the line so this is my opportunity to give it another flogging. I can’t believe fan-fictions of real people is a real thing and that one of them was deemed legitimate and popular enough to be turned into a movie. It plays out like the clone of a clone of a clone of Twilight. At least that movie had danger in the form of vampires and werewolves. This has nothing to offer except embarrassing drama and a prepubescent’s idea of what romance and love look like. I saw it in the theater with a friend and thank goodness she was there; it made what would've been a chore... slightly more bearable.

8. Dumbo

I’ve already gone on about how I feel about Disney’s string of live-action remakes. For the most part, they fail to validate their own existences; they’re just copies of the original but with “real” actors dancing around animated backgrounds, objects and locations instead of everything being traditionally animated. Dumbo isn’t like Aladdin and Beauty and the Beast. It does try new things. It diverges from the source material significantly in the worst way. The titular character winds up playing second banana to a bunch of circus performers no one cares about and in the end didn’t contain an inkling of the emotion the 1941 version did.

7. Dark Phoenix

This one’s a triple-whammy. Not only was it a deeply disappointing way for Fox’s X-Men series to end, it retreaded old material in a way that was worse than X-Men 3: The Last Stand AND it was a box office bomb. By the time the story finally comes alive… it’s just about over. The whole thing feels like a mistake, bringing in aliens and asking us to invest in characters we just haven’t had enough time to fall in love with. Makes me wonder what the future of the characters is going to be like. Yes there are a number of heroes and heroines we haven’t yet seen, but are people going to care, even when the brand gets a new coat of paint from Marvel Studios?

6. Men in Black: International

Was anyone asking for the Men in Black series to return? Maybe if they'd had a dynamite story this could’ve overcome the public’s general disinterest, but this was an extremely generic plot you could figure out easily minutes in and lost touch with what endeared us to the first. Even with the combined forces of Tessa Thompson and Chris Hemsworth failed, it to generate many laughs. Worse, to make sure I got any references or Easter egg it might drop, I re-watched all of the previous Men in Black movies, including the horrific Men in Black 2.

5. Replicas

This movie goes about itself in such a convoluted way. First, Keanu Reeves plays a scientist working for a company that wants to transplant the mind of dead soldiers into androids. Then, his family is killed in a car crash, prompting him to use the mind transfer tech to put their memories into new clone bodies of themselves. Problem is, he only has the means to clone three out of four family members. This means he has to erase all memories of his youngest daughter from the others’ brains. Following me so far? Good because it keeps going from there. Actually, that’s just the start of it. It’s a classic case of TMSGO - too much sh*t goin’ on. Even with all that, it STILLL managed to have gaping plot holes. No surprise it came and went as quietly as possible.

4. Hellboy

This one hurt. I wanted to see a superhero horror film badly. The early interviews I read about them wanting to adapt Mike Mignola’s books more closely than the Del Toro films got me excited. I was a little apprehensive when the trailers showed some goofy stuff but I figured these were included to draw people in. I should've listened to that sinking feeling. The actual film is awful, one giant mistake after another. Without a doubt, this featured the year’s worst special effects and even this I could've forgiven but the would-be humorous tone was badly misjudged and the story bloated with way too many elements that might've worked... if we weren't also trying to tell the character's origin at the same time. Hellboy ends with a teaser promising more and there’s no way we would’ve seen a sequel even if this had made money at the box office. Cool demons though, for what it’s worth.

3. Shaft

Looking back, I’m struggling to think of anything worth seeing in Shaft. I hated the film’s approach at comedy, particularly when it reverted Samuel L. Jackson’s John Shaft into the kind of man who proudly doesn’t understand modern sensibilities and spews out one homophobic joke after another. The plot was uninspired and uninteresting - not to mention generic - and none of it felt like it belonged on the big screen. On the upside, it prompted me to view the original trilogy with Richard Roundtree and those were enjoyable.

2. Simmba

Simmba is unlikely to be on the “Worst of 2019” list next January. It probably won’t be at the #2 spot. The film mixes two wildly different tones but not well. It begins as a romantic crime comedy, a dated one, sure. Simmba staging a phoney crime in order for the woman he’s attracted to to call him for help and then use the call as an excuse to stay with her through the night is creepy but I guess it might’ve passed like 20 years ago in North America. What makes this a bad film is the way it then introduces a character’s gang rape and murder as a way to prompt the anti-hero onto a righteous path. From there, it turns into this vigilante revenge film that has disturbing implications. You probably haven’t heard of it before now, much less seen it. I don’t recommend you check it out.

Runner Ups:

Aladdin

A controversial choice, as many casual filmgoers seem to have fallen madly in love with it (similar to the way they ate up 2017’s Beauty and the Beast) but honestly, what does this film do better than 1992’s Aladdin? Add an unmemorable song for Princess Jasmine to sing? Reduce the number of talking animals in order to give us more… nothing? Pile on the CGI to the point you wonder why it was made with live-actors in the first place? Like the innumerable direct-to-video sequels of classic films who've been all but forgotten, I tell you this Arabbian adventure won't endure.

Tolkien

So much potential squandered on a boring story. It didn’t take an astute viewer to recognize the film was crippled by the studio failing to obtain the rights to Tolkien’s actual work. I get the feeling we'll see another shot at a biography of J.R.R. Tolkien in a couple of years and this will be the Christopher Robin to the much superior Goodbye Christopher Robin.

The Hustle

It’s an unfunny comedy, what more is there to say? Rebel Wilson makes yet another bad career choice playing the same character she always plays. I only realized it was a remake of Dirty Rotten Scoundrels while writing my review, which is unfortunate. Hopefully I can expunge this film from my memory soon enough and forget anything it might’ve spoiled about the original Bedtime Story or the 1988 remake.

1. Unplanned

The numerous instances of technical incompetence - mostly coming from the performers who are given lackluster material - would be enough to condemn Unplanned to this list. What made me hate the film is the way it blatantly lies and attempts to manipulate the audience into further entrenching themselves in a certain point of view through cheap, manipulative means. I can respect that genuine passion was poured into the project but the way it goes about it is shameful. Do not go see it, even if you're curious.

Yuck. That last one really left a bad taste in my mouth so I'm going to talk about a movie I did enjoy and am enthusiastic to direct you towards Alita: Battle Angel. Rosa Salazar as the titular Alita impressed me and I really dug the action scenes. I'll also right a wrong from last year by reminding you to find and watch Paddington and Paddington 2, both movies I should've put on my "Best of" lists the years they came out. I don't know what I was thinking but I keep coming back to these in my head. They're excellent for kids and adults.

And with that said, the list is over. Back to our regularly-scheduled film reviews until something big comes up. Thoughts or comments on the list are welcome and I hope you enjoyed reading.

[knightingale-xiv]

A - Z Headcanon for Chip

Alignment :: What would be their D&D alignment? How might it come into play?

Chip used to be Chaotic Good back when I first started playing him, although now he could be considered lawful good. He doesn't like going against the flow anymore and will very rarely, if ever, sacrifice his morals.

Beverage :: What do they most like to drink, and why?

Chip enjoys a variety of juices, although he prefers orange juice. He HAS had alcohol before, but he doesn't like the feeling or taste. Besides, juice is good for you!

Co-Habitate :: Do they live with anyone? What’s “need to know” before moving in?

He currently lives with a Mercenary company, but he tries to keep to himself. He is honestly an easy person to live with as he has few possessions and keeps clean.

Decor :: What kind of home do they keep? Are there any defining details?

Chip lives a very spartan life, having been an urchin for most of his life, however there will always be some sort of goblin themed decor wherever he lives.

Escape :: What do they do to destress? How successful is it?

Chip typically trains, even now, when too stressed. Punching a dummy is a good stress relief. Reading and studying is also a way he unwinds. Typically neither is super succesful, but he calms down on his own with time.

Fluff :: What hits their soft spot? Does anything them into emotional goo?

Everything and anything nice directed towards him.

Grudge :: How bad does an insult go over? Do they hold a grudge long?

Chip doesn't hold grudges, and insults just roll off him. He had an incredibly thick skin with most insults, although he often feigns insult for a laugh. The only time he will get upset is if someome insults his former alter ego, the Goblin Avenger. He may not condone violence anymore, but he loved being the Goblin Avenger.

Hobby :: What’s something they do for fun that might be surprising?

Chip is actually a talented artist, drawing things that inspire him. (I am unfortunately not)

Insomnia :: What’s their sleeping schedule like? Snorer? Sound sleeper?

Chip sleeps regularly, and mildly snores. He does have some restless nights when he thinks about his short stint in the Immortal Flames, but they are few and far between.

Jaded :: Do they buy into the “happily ever after” ideal? What’s their standard?

He does believe in happily ever after, for most people at least, but he doesn't really think its going to be easy. He believes you have to work for your happy ending, and will never give up on it...even if he may change tactics sometimes.

Kin :: What’s their role among their relations? Do they consider others family?

He has one person he considers family, although he has not seen her in some time, Arcian Martell. She initially trained him in hand to hand combat and gave him his first home. She also helped him open his first light chakra, as he was getting dangerously close to opening a Shadow chakra first. Outside of that, he doesn't know who his birth family is, as they abandoned him as a child.

Law :: What do they think about abiding rules? Are they selective about it?

Chip was, for lack of a better term, a vigilante when he was younger. He had little consideration for the Brass Blades, thinking of them as corrupt. Now, Chip follows most laws to the letter. He will still flex at times, but only if it aligns with his morals to do so.

Magic :: In a magic series or not, are they accepting, or is each instance a shock?

Chip is not gifted in magicks such as Arcanima and Conjury, but he has a certain level of mastery over his Chakras and the Ninja art of Mudras. He is attempting to get a grip on Arcanima though to bolster his healing.

Network :: Are they connected to the people? How much do they reach out to others?

Chip loves making friends and connecting to people. After spending most of his life alone, he gets nervous in crowds but will still mingle when necessary. He will often single out people that are slightly seperated from the pack to make friends.

Offspring :: What kind of parent would they be? Would they prefer one, or multiple?

Chip would probably be a good father, although his current romantic outlook is bleak to say the least. He would probably like 1 if given the option, but it is doubtful he ever will have one.

Pistol :: Is this character skilled with a weapon? What’s their opinion of violence?

Chip is no weapons master. He can't handle a sword, lance, or axe, but he is very talented with his fists and knives. He has a level of mastery over the Ala Mhigan martial arts and Doman martial arts, but he no longer employs them outside of stress training.

Question :: How often do they feel doubt? What topics are they defensive about?

Chip doubts things often, usually short changing his own abilities. He gets defensive about his past. While he may talk about it in vague details, he gets flakey around details.

Reminder :: How are they at remembering daily needs? What falls through the cracks?

Chip has a...complicated memory. He forgets individuals and events if he is not consistently around them. Longer than a few months of absence may knock you out of his memory for a time. After a year, those memories may not return. As for daily deeds, he is decent at remembering them.

Sing :: Do they like music? Do they listen often/sing/hum/play songs in their head?

Chip enjoys music, actually employing music into his fighting style for a time. He can actually carry a tune, and oddly enough can rap pretty well.

Touch :: How do they handle contact? Is their personal bubble big?

Chip has almost no sense of personal space. He will invade or allow invasion without batting an eye. He has gotten better about invading peoples space, but he still flubs up sometimes.

Upcoming :: How much do they think of the future? Do they make long-term plans?

Chip doesn't plan too far ahead anymore, to avoid disappointment. The farthest ahead he will plan is a few months.

Vice :: What bad habits do they have? Is there something they would be ashamed of?

Chip has a deep seeded temper that rarely comes out anymore. He used to fly off the handle easily and he is ashamed of that. As for bad habits, he doesn't have many if any. At worst, he scratches at his scars when nervous.

Wardrobe :: What’s their fashion style? Do they have any staple pieces?

Chip is not a fashionable person. He wears browns and blacks, with a few white pieces of clothing, but he will more often than not be seen in his tattered coat and old monk pants. He wears glasses with fake lenses to appear smarter and to draw attention away from his scars.

X-Ray :: How’s their health? Any problem areas? Do they take care of themselves?

Chip is a healthy person in excellent physical shape. The only thing wrong with him, aside from his multitude of scars, is his damaged nervous system. He has poor, bordering on non-existent, physical sensory abilities, not able to feel most sensations. Fortunately, that means little to no pain when struck. He has managed to heal it enough where his hands can feel, for his medical practice.

Yack :: What’s their favorite thing to talk about? What do they go on about?

Chip will talk about anything, but he enjoys listening more now. He WILL talk someone's ear off about goblins if the subject arises.

Zodiac :: What’s their astro sign? Does it fit? What would you pick, if it’s unknown?

Chip does not actually know when he was born, thus does not know his sign. Although if I had to pick I would just give him mine. Pisces.

[writewithurheart]

A Second Chance: Home Sweet Home

Chapter 11 of An Arrow/Chicago Med Crossover fic 

Summary:  When Oliver finds Tommy in CNRI, he thinks he's too late and is forced to flee to avoid the cops. But Tommy is rescued from the rubble. He survives his injuries and decides to use his second chance to help people the way he always wanted to.

Read on AO3 or ff.net or below: 

I’m not 100% sure what this is, but here! Have a new chapter!

...

Home Sweet Home

Chicago.

Once it had been his home away from home: the place he spent his summers with his mother and his cousin. Then it became his home permanently for several years when his father all but vanished from the face of the Earth. Turns out he’d spent all that time in Nanda Parbat, but at the time, all he’d been was a frightened preteen who’d lost his mother and his father in a short span of time.

It was in those years that he’d taken the name Connor Reese. It allowed him to hide within his aunt and uncle’s family, to become one of them instead of the Merlyn heir who had lost his mother.

And then his aunt died. 

Suicide, they called it.

It had messed Connor up for a long time. He’d been carted to therapist after therapist after that, Uncle Cornelius having decided they had waited too long and should have done that when he first came to them after the death of his own mother.

Malcolm had come to drag him back to Starling the summer before his freshman year of high school, but by then there was a part of him that had already made Chicago his home. He could tell in the relief that flooded his system as he stepped off the plane at O’Hare. It was in that first breath of Illinois air, the bite of the wind at his exposed skin, the cold he hadn’t felt in the last couple years when he was away in Riyadh.

He pulls the scarf tighter around his neck with a grin as he lifts a hand to hail a cab. The city looks just as he remembers it the last time he flew in to visit Claire, when he had the epic shouting match with Uncle Cornelius and vowed to never return to their house. It looks the same, and yet it also seems foreign to his eyes, eyes that have seen haggard, war-torn streets in Riyadh and Starling City. He can’t look down neat, manicured streets without seeing the potential for destruction and the ways to help stem the damage should the worst happen.

Maybe that’s what makes him a good trauma surgeon.

He’s trained for emergency situations, to look at a situation, assess the damage and treat the worst injuries so he can save the whole.

Chicago is his first step. A couple years ago, he entertained the idea of moving back to Starling to help with Oliver’s…mission, but that thought is a vestige of the past. He’s here to do a job, to make an impact in a large city were violence on the street sends kids to the hospital all the time, where they don’t have a vigilante looking out for the little people.

It’s his second home.

The apartment he got is far from extravagant. It might be nicer than what a surgical fellow still paying off med school loans would be able to afford. But he’s lucky enough to have no loans left over from med school to worry about. He could have gotten a better apartment, gotten Claire to shop around for him instead of surfing the web to find an acceptable one person apartment. He’ll have to go shopping for furniture soon. The only things in the room are boxes stacked neatly off to the side that hold his random knickknacks from when he was last in the states. But they take up a pitiful amount of space since he’d had Digg wait on sending the bigger pieces.  

Honestly, he really doesn’t know how much more he has. He left most of the furniture in his last apartment.

Either way, the apartment is eerily empty. The kitchen is recently updated and sleek, but the lack of table or couch in the main room makes it feel uninviting. His footsteps echo around the room as he walks up to the window and looks out at the city. He sprang for the room because of the view. It’s not stellar, but it’s also not a brick wall.  He can see mostly just other apartment buildings, but the view from the bedroom gives him a straight shot down a city block and a nice view of a slice of city life.

Connor turns to the rest of the room with a sigh.

That’s what he forgot: a bed.

He could, presumably, go out now and buy one. Sleep on the floor for a couple days until he finally relents and buys a bed frame to put it in. But he’s just spend almost twenty hours travelling to get here. He’s tired. As much as he tried to sleep on the plane, he couldn’t.  And for better or worse, he starts his new job in two days at Gaffney Chicago Medical Center.

Because who wants more than a couple days to acclimate to a new time zone?

Definitely not his smartest choice.

The way Connor rationalizes it, he was basically living in this timezone with his night shifts, so he could tough it out for the next two hours and then pass out. His sleepless nights and unusual sleep schedule for the last eight years have to help with something, like easing his way into a new time zone. He’d wake up and spend a day getting settled into his new apartment. Then tomorrow, with any luck, he’ll be accustomed to the new time zone and have enough time to make sure he looks presentable and to show up early to his first meeting with the Chief Administrator and the Head of Trauma.

It was a good plan, but one that hadn’t accounted for his need to find a bed.

Maybe he should have gotten a hotel room for the night…

Nanananananananana BATMAN!

Connor laughs as he plucks his phone from the pocket of his carryon bag. He stopped asking how Felicity changed his ringtones from a distance years ago. This one was one of his favorite changes.

“Hey, John.” He turns back to the window to look at the crowded streets and sidewalks.

“Connor. Sounds like you got home safe.” John Diggle’s voice sounds worn, the way it has since his falling out with Oliver. Connor doesn’t know all the details, but it involves kidnapping Lyla, leaving an infant unsupervised, and teaming up with Malcolm. A baby coos happily in the background.

“Yeah, you too. How did Sara like Disney World?”

John laughs. “She bypassed all the princess toys and wanted to go on all the ‘big kid rides’, which of course AJ found hilarious. I think it’s safe to say she’s not going to be anyone’s damsel in distress.”

“Just like her namesake.” Connor smiles softly at the reminder of a vibrant blonde who might have been his sister-in-law in another life.

“Just like her mother,” John corrects with chagrin. “Next thing I know she’ll be learning how to fire a gun and asking for weapons for her birthday instead of new clothes.”

Connor laughs at the image. He’s only met Lyla once and talked to her a couple times, but he gets the impression that’s not far off. She’s definitely a tough woman. “So I guess there’ll be no need to scare off any teenage boys.”

“Any daughter of mine will be able to take down any man who tries to do her wrong,” Lyla shouts from the background. “Won’t you, honey? And then Daddy and I will step in and take care of the mess. Yes we will.”

Threats and baby noises make an interesting combination.

“Hi, Lyla.”

“Connor. How’s Chicago?”

“Just like I remember. How’s everything there?”

“Good. Good. You start the new job tomorrow?”

“No. I’ve got a day to settle in.” He runs his hand over the back of his neck sheepishly. “I probably should have given myself a couple more days.”

“You forgot about furniture, didn’t you?” John asks.

Connor laughs. “Am I that predictable?”

“Felicity called it,” John supplies. “In her words: ‘Connor needs his stuff sent to his address.’ She bet you wouldn’t admit it and would buy all new things.”

She definitely knows him better than he knows himself. “She’s still out of town then.”

“She and his Royal Broodiness are still out of town. She reaches out regularly though.”

The bitterness in John’s voice has only festered since Oliver and Felicity drove off into the sunset like a sickeningly sweet happy ending of a romantic comedy. The cliché made Connor throw up a little in his mouth.

He was happy for his friends, of course. They deserved their happiness after a year of turmoil, but he’s equally happily that he doesn’t have to witness it. He’s gotten photo updates of their world tour. If you told him that Felicity and Oliver would be hiking and camping around the world, Connor would have laughed in their faces. Felicity was not the outdoorsy person. She preferred her computers, much like Connor preferred places filled with people.

“Well, next time you hear from her, tell her I said hi.”

“You’re not going to call her?”

Not when Oliver might be the one to pick up the phone. He can just imagine that disaster of a conversation. ‘Hey, Ollie. So I’m alive and your girlfriend’s known for years. Bye.’ He has no doubt he’d have Oliver at his door in record time with a reluctant Felicity right behind him. It’s been over two years, but he’s not ready to jump back into Thomas Merlyn. “Nah.”

John sighs, yet accepts his word as an answer. “Alright. Well, I’ll leave you to run out and buy a bed. I promise not to tell Felicity.”

He laughs. “Thanks, John. I’ll touch base with you once I’ve finally gotten settled in.”

“And if we don’t hear from you tomorrow, good luck with the new job.”

Lyla echoes the sentiment from further away and Connor grins.

“Thanks, guys. Talk to you later.”

“Bye!”

Connor smiles as he slips his phone into his back pocket and grabs his wallet and keys. He takes one last look at the barren apartment before heading out the door. His smile can’t be held back as the door clicks into place behind him. He can imagine his life here already: living in the city he grew up in, talking and skyping with the Diggles and Felicity, saving lives in the hospital. It’s all here in Chicago.

He finally feels like he’s home.

... 

Tagging peeps: @lynslogic @obesstion @fullychippedcreation