#REALLY NASTY BECAUSE THAT'S HOW JUNE LIKE THEIR MEN <3< /div> Explore tagged Tumblr posts

[vellichorom]

@satisfiedskye reintroducing me to THE OG fuckable old man

[xzaddyzanakinx]

Not That Kind of Guy

Part Three: Stalker!Anakin Skywalker × femme reader series

Warnings: stalking, weirdo behavior, psychotic/delusional behavior, possessive/protective, sexism/misogyny, one-sided relationship, menstruation, sexual content, pervy behavior, male masturbation, murder, serious illness, needles [eventual warning for smut; be sure to pay attention to future warnings in the series]

Info: Anakin loves you SO much that he’s disgusting about it. He’s extra delusional. Anakin doesn’t love drama HE IS the drama. He's still a massive Perv [diary entries from Ani] MDNI 18+

Diary Entry: June 27th

I came to the diner tonight, I love to see you wait tables. You’re so kind and sweet, even to the assholes and shitheads that don’t deserve to breathe your air. Your beautiful smile, those pretty eyes and how you bat those long lashes, that bell-like giggle you pull for those nasty old men’s jokes.

I know it’s not real, but it’s fun to watch you pretend baby. And just as fun to listen to your annoyed retelling of your night when you get home. Gods I could just listen to you talk for hours. Watching your face change as you speak, the acute movements of your eyebrows and lips that tell me how you really feel.

You’re just like me, more than you know.

I ordered some coffee, sat at the bar one of those red spin-y stools, and listened to your sweet lilt tell lie after lie to your customers.

You’re a busy, busy girl aren’t you princess?

Sorry for the messy writing, it was difficult not to laugh as I wrote these little white lies of yours.

1. Saving up money for a car: true, but doesn’t get you good tips

2. This is your second job and life on your own is just real hard: I’m amazed that this one works as well as it does, really pulling on those old lady heartstrings huh?

3. ‘Sorry guys, I’m just- having a hard day. You understand right?’ *sniffle* the only thing those guys understand is the masculine urge to stop a girl from crying and if shoving a few extra bills under their dirty plate makes your day ‘better’, they’re gonna do it.

I don’t know how you continue to use that one on those poor fools, it’s always the same few guys too. They really think you’re something special huh?

You are of course, very special. But they don’t know you like I do. They don’t know that you’re full of shit. I know for a fact you had a really good day. I was there.

You cheeky little minx.

4. Your mom is out of work and you’re helping her out: your mom is out of work, but you’re definitely not helping her out. She wouldn’t take your money if you offered it. (You wouldn’t offer it over your dead body.)

Can’t blame you for this little lie though, your mom really is a piece of shit. Exploit that bitch all you want, she deserves it. I’ve seen those nasty posts she made about your friend. All that because he’s gay?

Oh no! It’s contagious! It’s the vaccines! Gluten!

Come on lady, it’s 2023.

5. you’re getting married! I fucking wish. But, not yet princess, you won’t need to worry about anything when it’s time for that. Thats what I’m here for, I’ll make sure you get everything you want.

6. ‘It’s on the house honey.’ I was so jealous hearing this one for the first time. You’re just absolutely rotten aren’t you? Refills are free.

You’re perfect for me and you don’t even know it.

Diary Entry: June 28th

Angelic. Cherubic. God-kin.

A biblical beauty if I’ve ever seen one.

The way your hair creates a halo around your face. Tendrils gracing the soft contours of your cheeks, the twitch of your nose when you shift just alittle too much and a strand tickles it. The subtle pull or purse of your lips that tells me you’re deep in the land of dreaming.

Sleep is one of the most basic human needs. It’s not meant to be as glorified as you make it, but somehow you do.

It’s intimate. They way your breathing slows and your body melts into the soft hands of sleep. It’s an event that I’ve been graciously given the opportunity to witness.

It was so, so, so worth waiting for.

SleepyTime Tea, a cute name and of course perfect for my purposes. You drank a cup almost every night. It’d been on my mind for a while and I figured… it couldn’t hurt to open it up and help you get an even better sleep.

Now that I’ve had the privilege of seeing an angel at rest… well I don’t think I could ever witness anything more breathtaking.

Except for maybe your sweet little pussy.

I checked and double checked the measurements on those sleeping pills I promise. I would never ever hurt you sweetheart. I was so anxious, trying to make sure I got the mixture perfect.

It worked like a dream. Didn’t it?

Damn right it did. Worked well enough that I was able to tuck your hair behind your ear and kiss your forehead before I left.

I also did you a little favor or two as well while I was there. It wasn’t a completely selfish visit.

I replaced an old beat up scrunchie, it was past time for you to retire it in my opinion. Now it’s serving a better purpose: squeezing the base of my cock while I fuck my fist to the sounds of your desperate moans, both of us needy for a never quite satisfying finish. If only I had the courage to open that door.

You need a man sweetheart. You need me. Those toys of yours just don’t hit the spot for you do they? Hurts my heart that it takes you so long… and I know it’s not on purpose. I can tell the difference.

Nothin’ can mimic that sinful feel of flesh on flesh.

I took out your bathroom trash, I know you hate doing that. And maybe I accidentally knocked your toothbrush off the sink.

Sue me.

But I promptly rectified the issue, I just so happened to notice you were out of brush-head refills a few days ago and came prepared. You’re welcome baby.

I also purchased the same brand of brush that you have.

Reduce, reuse, recycle.

Date:

June 29th

You woke up, rolling out of bed at 9:30. An absolutely ridiculous time to be awake on what was meant to be a lazy stay at home day. But alas, you are a good friend, and good friends go through with their plans.

Even if you made those plans a month ago and completely forgot them.

Your cat laced it’s way through your legs while you stood on unsteady feet. You’ve really gotta stop with the caffeine, it’s definitely not normal for someone as young as you to wake up with the shakes. But you’re a creature of habit and an absurd amount of sugar and caffeine were included in those habits.

Staying true to those habits you made your way to the bathroom across the hall, absentmindedly grasping at air for a few seconds before realizing your toothbrush wasn’t where you always left it. With a frustrated groan you looked around and saw that someone… or rather something had knocked it into the floor.

“Boogie!” You turned around and made your way to the living room, interrupting her morning routine by scooping her up and forcing her to face the music.

“How dare you.” You whispered, trying to pull out a stern voice. “I don’t have any new tooth brush heads. What am I supposed to do you little shit?”

You bent down, picked it up and popped the replaceable head off, tossing it into the… empty trash can? When did you take out the trash?

Whatever. Focus. “You better hope I have a spare regular one.” You shot a nasty glare at your cat who sat unbothered on the bathroom counter.

You searched through the cabinet below the sink and through all the drawers and found none. Not even that travel one from last year’s vacation. Finally you opened up the medicine cabinet-mirror combo and was pleasantly surprised but also annoyed, to see that you did actually have a replacement.

“Well shit.” You scoffed, “I should’ve just checked there first.”

Next on the list was a giant tumbler of coffee and a hit of your vape for breakfast. Delicious.

You searched in the catch-all drawer in your kitchen for a hair band, not finding any of the small black ones you settled for a stray scrunchie that lived in this drawer specifically for circumstances like this.

Grabbing the light blue silk scrunchie you went to slide it on your wrist and gather your hair but stopped mid movement. No sharpie mark. You could’ve sworn last time you wore this it had a sharpie mark on it from being trapped in the drawer with a cap-less marker. Weird, but not weird enough to care about.

With your caffeine withdrawal taken care of and your morning duties finished, you slipped on some tennis shoes, grabbed your small backpack and walked to the gym two blocks away. Your wonderful and lovely, much more active friend had invited you to a yoga class to meet ‘someone who isn’t a lazy bastard’.

Which… doesn’t really make any sense considering your last boyfriend liked to lift weights but couldn’t bear to lift a finger to help you.

But you love Luke, and Luke loves to play matchmaker. So you’d suffer through this with a smile. It couldn’t hurt and it might be fun, if all else fails at least you got to hang out with your friend and giggle at him drooling over the ‘guy with this sexy scowl, big broad shoulders, oh my god he’s so soft but like in a buff way it’s insane.’.

“Lukey!” You jogged up to him where he was waiting for you outside the gym.

“You’re late.” He stated sternly despite the little smile curving his lip.

“No I’m not. It’s 10:20.” You scoffed.

“Yes and class starts at 10:30.” He retorted.

“I’m not sure if you know this, but 20 comes before 30.” You said feigning concern as you touched his forearm while walking inside.

“Shut up.” He rolled his eyes, “I mean you’re late to meet this guy I was telling you about!”

He shoved you gently past the various equipment and to a smaller room with mirrors along one wall. He very conspicuously pointed toward a younger guy with… a mullet?

“You’re joking.” You gasped. “Luke I swear to god you’ve gotta be kidding.” You squeaked smacking his arm.

“What?!” He squealed, pulling his arms up to his chest and curling in on himself. “Stop I didn’t invite you to kickboxing! Ow!”

“A dude with a mullet?” You glared at him.

“Wait till he turns around, the mullet will be forgiven I swear.” He said, holding up his hands in an offering of peace.

That peace treaty was immediately ripped to shreds when Luke loudly dropped his metal water bottle on the hard floors, a smile that could beat the devil’s smirk on his face.

The guy whipped his head around, eyebrows raised in concern, soft greenish tinted blue eyes taking a moment to glance over you.

“Everything alright?” He asked, a soft accent lacing his voice as he walked over to you.

Is it strange to say that a man with a mullet is… graceful? Yes, it is.

“Oh yeah, everything is fine.” You answered quickly, not missing the snicker that Luke made when he kicked the water bottle over to you.

You bent down and picked it up, holding it with a grip that would surely snap your officially ex-best friends neck in half.

“Here let me take this for you.” The blonde haired stranger said, reaching out for your backpack and for some reason you let him take it.

He just… exuded a calming energy. No wonder he likes yoga, he’s probably the most zen person you’ve ever met. Everything about him was soft and comforting. His voice, his beard, even his knuckles as they ghosted across your arm when he grabbed your bag.

“Th-thanks?“ You said in a statement that sounded more like a confused inquiry.

You followed him and Luke inside, the blood draining from your formerly flushed cheeks when he unrolled your yoga mat in the front row. What kind of cosmic curse has Luke unleashed? You shot him a look to burn through brick but he just seemed giddy as if you weren’t planning on disposing him in the sewer after this.

“I’m Ben, your instructor. Luke told me you’d be coming today, he mentioned you’ve never taken a class like this before?” He looked over at you, an understanding smile on his face.

THE INSTRUCTOR?

“R-right yeah. No, I’ve never taken a yoga class before.” You shook your head and introduced yourself in return, holding out your hand for a hand shake and being utterly shocked at Ben’s reaction.

“I’m a hugger, hope that’s alright darling.” He laughed softly, enveloping you in a warm embrace that could smelt iron. It certainly made you malleable, maybe even alittle bit melty.

The kicker though? A kiss to the side of your mouth.

You blinked at the audacity, did he just-? But as he pulled back you realized it wasn’t a creepy thing… it was a friendly thing. He just greets everyone that way because he’s a genuinely kind person. You knew that to be true because he turned and did the same to Luke, ending his with a firm pat to his shoulder.

A little green monster clawed it’s way through your stomach at the sight, but you drowned it quickly with the use of your knowledge as a sane person. You don’t know this guy. Luke brought you here because of this guy, he’s not after him, he’s after Beefy McBeef in the corner. You don’t know him, you’re purely getting jealous going off the fact that he is pretty and the realization that you’re not special.

You spent the rest of your time thinking peaceful thoughts to chase away the images of Luke’s tiny pea brain being squished betwixt your fingers for this horrible idea of his, while failing many attempts to mimic the variety of poses and stances Ben showed the class.

Even Beefy McBeef was doing better than you, and you could definitely see why Luke had his sights set on him. Masculine, but not in an intimidating way. He’s right, he’s soft but buff.

After class ended Luke insisted on dragging you over to Ben to say goodbye.

“Thanks, I enjoyed the class.” You said awkwardly, forcing a polite smile.

“Oh I’m so glad, I was hoping you would.” Ben said, a bright smile on his face, his eyes crinkling in the corners.

“I’d love for you to come back next week.” He said sincerely, reaching out to give your arm a gentle squeeze that made your mouth dry.

“I’m not super sure that yoga is my thing, but I’ll definitely think about it.” You smiled, surely he’s just being nice. Like he was earlier.

“Well if yoga isn’t your thing, I’m sure we can find something that is, hmm?” He chuckled, ripping a scrap of paper from his class schedule and scribbling his number down.

“O-oh.” You blushed. That was the smoothest pickup line you’d ever heard… you couldn’t even be mad about it. “Thank you, I’ll… text you later?” You said unsure about your own words.

“No rush darling,” he gave you a warm smile that matched the softness of his hand that took yours and pressed his lips to your knuckles.

When he pulled back he’d somehow snuck the slip of paper into the palm of your hand, he left you there buffering. You turned slowly to look at Luke who was standing there with a shit eating grin on his face.

“Your turn.” You said sternly, nodding toward Mr. McBeef.

“No.” Luke said with an air of finality, scooping up his bag and spinning on his heel toward a few of his class friends.

Luke so kindly helped you make a fool of yourself. It’s only fair that you return the favor. You marched over to Beefy with a sweet smile.

“Hey!” You said, introducing yourself to him.

“Hey little lady.” He chuckled, taking your hand for a handshake, his palm dwarfing yours. “Names Han.”

“Han. Suits you.” You added with a small smile.

“So, Han. You know Luke?” You said, nodding in his direction.

“Y-yeah I do,” he answered, rubbing the back of his neck with a nervousness you didn’t expect. “Why?”

“Luke is- he’s alittle shy.” You said in a hushed tone. “He’s been talking about you an awful lot.”

“Me?” Han questioned, a downturned grin creeping up his lips as his eyes darted between you and your friend who’d migrated across the gym.

“Yeah, you.” You laughed, “he’s got a massive crush.” You gave him an accomplished grin.

“H-he does?” He gulped, starting to get red in the cheeks. “He’s hardly ever spoken to me.”

“Like I said, he’s shy.” You reminded him gently. “You should go talk to him.”

“Yeah… I will.” He smiled, standing up and placing a kind hand on your shoulder.

“Go get ‘em Beefy McBeef.” You said in a tone so normal that he almost didn’t notice.

“What did you call me?” He laughed.

“Beefy McBeef.” You shrugged, unable to hide your devious smile. “that’s what Luke calls you.”

“No he doesn’t.” Han laughed, big and hearty, Luke turning his head with a jealous scowl until he realized he was laughing with you and it morphed into a mask of pure panic.

“Oh yes he does.” You said firmly. “Can you do me a favor?” You asked.

“Sure babe.” He laughed, still recovering.

“Introduce yourself to him as Beefy McBeef.” You said with pleading eyes.

“Seriously?” He laughed, almost a giggle if you could consider a guy like him a giggler. “What’d he do to you?”

“Just trust me when I say he deserves it.” You said sincerely.

“Can do.” He shook his head with a snort and made his way over to Luke.

“Hey, Luke.” He said, a slight tease in his tone. “Just wanted to introduce myself.” He stuck out his hand and watched with amusement as Luke struggled to comprehend what was happening.

Good. You thought. He deserves alittle embarrassment after the way he forced you into conversation with Ben.

“Beefy McBeef.” Han said, struggling to contain his laughter as he shook Luke’s hand. “Pleasure to meet you.”

You watched from behind a nearby pillar as Luke turned fire truck red. He frantically searched for you until he spotted you with a massive grin and waggling fingers.

“I’ll kill you.” He threatened but there was no real malice in his voice.

“Sure you will Lukey.” You said with a laugh, running over to the wall where you’d propped up your bag and tossed it over your shoulder. Blowing Luke a kiss as you walked out of the gym.

After returning home you showered and sat down on the couch, resigning yourself to rotting on the couch. You’d done your good deed for the day, two actually:

1. attending a social event

2. helping Lukey talk to Han

You’d also done your one terrible deed for next few months. It’s never intentional that you do something bad, except this time it was. But was it really all that terrible if it got Luke what he wanted? Nope.

Add that to the good deeds list then.

3. embarrassing Lukey while helping him talk to Han

All’s fair in love and war.

Speaking of potential love and possible war, you rummaged through your bag to fish out that phone number, you even dumped out all the contents and searched your clothes as well.

It was no where to be found and you were actually kind of bummed about it. You can’t go ask for his number after all that, that’s just… embarrassing.

Shit.

Diary Entry: June 29th

Sweetheart.

If I knew you didn’t love Lukey, I’d have been scraping him off the sidewalk right about now. That little twerp was trying to set you up with someone else.

I know it’s not his fault. He’s being a good friend, he just wants you to be happy. He doesn’t know about me and that’s okay, it’s all okay.

But god, could he have picked a worse guy? I mean… really?

*Ooh look at me and my beautiful luscious locks.* GAG.

I could tell he was making you uncomfortable so I got rid of that little paper as quickly as possible. I would’ve hated for you to have the reminder of that fucking creep. The way he kissed your hand? What the hell was that?

So, I slipped it out of your bag and stayed around to listen to your sinister revenge plot.

I’ll say it again baby, you’re more like me than you know.

Ps. Beefy McBeef? Please.

Diary Entry: July 1st

I’m not an unreasonable guy baby. Really I’m not, but you’re on your phone so much. It just really bugs me you know? We don’t spend quality time together like we should.

I want you to dance around and sing. I want you to lay in the living room floor and color. I to watch you suck ass at MarioKart and laugh when you get frustrated and scrunch your nose.

I want to watch you read so I can read aloud to you, with my e-book copy. I want to watch The Witcher with you, I love that show. Shits cool as fuck, sword fights are so awesome I’ll ignore the fact that you only watch it for Geralt.

He’s not real and I am. So fuck it, can’t hurt to fantasize. I’d be one hell of a hypocrite if I said you couldn’t.

Anyway, sorry I’m rambling.

Are you okay? You’re just… quieter. Is it something I’ve done?

🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤

I think I’ve figured it out sweet girl, I did some online research and replayed some footage. You’ve not been taking your birth control like you should. Come on baby you gotta remember to take it on time alright? Skipping it and taking it out of routine will mess you all up and we can’t have that.

I’ll try my best to remind you.

🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤

You know me, I’m always worried.

Just… I’m gonna need to borrow your phone so that I can install some software for you. I’m just alittle concern that you’re hiding something from me princess. I just want to make sure you’re okay.

Diary Entry: July 2nd

That SleepyTime tea is a lifesaver.

God I just feel so relieved knowing that I can monitor you. I swear it’s not in a weird way, I just needed to make sure you were in a good headspace you know?

Your search history is so funny. I makes me happy to know you’re just as goofy as me. It also makes me happy that you’ve not searched anything concerning.

Your socials are clean. Your camera roll is full of cute pictures of you and your friends, as well as a few of your ex that I swiftly trashed for you. Maybe just a few naughty ones in the hidden album, don’t worry I didn’t stare. I’ll have plenty of time to do that in person.

Your texts are mostly dry. That’s a good thing though, that means you have more time for me. Even better? No dating apps. Good girl. Those are terribly dangerous, they should require a background check for users, you never know what kind of weirdo is on the other side of that screen.

I’m proud of you babydoll. You’re such a good girl, my good girl.

I’ll help you stay a good girl too. Your phone is mirrored to my laptop, so I’ll be able to see everything you see. No room for mix-ups or miscommunications between us this way.

Communication in relationships is so important.

Which is my reasoning behind the new phone software. You understand don’t you doll? I mean, I can only tell so much from your diary. You like to write and that’s amazing, it’s a great outlet and you should keep up with it. You’re the reason I started my own journal. You were so right when you said ‘it sorts my thoughts and soothes my heart’.

I never thought I’d be a journal guy. Look at me. Self care king.

Diary Entry: July 3rd

I have the most amazing news princess, after careful research and a very thorough deep dive into all of your neighbors, I’ve come up with the perfect solution to our distance issue.

Did you know that the old man across the hall from you is a widow? Poor guy, 10 years without his wife. They were married for 53 years. 53.

That’s the goal baby. That’s the kind of love I have for you.

If Alan Jared Nelson is anything like me, he’s miserable without Gloria Anne. Just like I’d be miserable without you.

He’s sick you know? He’s on a wait list for a liver, has been for 2 years. Isn’t that just the worst kind of hope? It’s cruel really.

Why give the man and his remaining family the hope of a ‘few’ more years, knowing damn well the guy is old enough that he might turn to dust they minute they cut into him. Why put him on the list at all? He’s 92. No one is giving him a liver.

The liver disease he’s diagnosed with is a doozy too, it’s aggressive, painful, and necrotic. He’s in constant pain. He’s got a port for morphine.

Do you know what kind of horrible pain a person has to be in to get a morphine port? Excruciating.

Alan has lived a long and beautiful life. Between the heartache of loosing his love and the debilitating disease he suffers from… it would be a mercy to lay him to rest don’t you think?

He’s a patriot through and through, he was in the army reserves. Now, that’s not my cup of tea but good for you Mr. Nelson.

America’s birthday is a good day for a guy like him to die isn’t it?

Date:

July 4th

Anakin counted the windows over and over, repeating the number in his head as he quietly trekked up the creaking rusted fire escape on Mr. Nelson’s side of the building. Not only was tonight a poetic release of this man’s long and happy existence, it was a very good cover.

Majority of the city was busy watching the fireworks at the celebration in the park, including you. Anakin had ensured you’d left before he even considered walking over to your building. He couldn’t bear the thought of committing a heinous, though arguably merciful, crime in the vicinity of such a pure form of radiance.

As expected the din of booming explosions and crackling sparks masked the noise of the quiet power drill Anakin used to remove bottom piece of the outer frame of the out-dated window. Internally cursing the fact that you lived in such an old building, there’s absolutely no way that these windows are up to code. It might make this task easier, but it made him a nervous wreck to think someone could break into your home in under a minute as long as they brought a drill and a magnet. The process was almost silent, you wouldn’t realize anything was amiss until it was too late.

Once the piece of frame was laid aside Anakin used the heavy duty magnet to coax the loose curved clasp that held the window shut, out of the hoop that it rested in. He sighed, thinking he should definitely complain to the super once he moved in. The ease of breaking and entering wasn’t comforting in the slightest.

Sure it was a wonderful thing for Anakin, there would be absolutely no trace of the break in. The man is old, there would be no autopsy, there are no outdoor cameras on this building or the one next to it. This unit is tucked into a well hidden alleyway and no one saw him walk this way. But his worries were based on thoughts of you and your well-being.

Anakin sprayed Wd-40 along the tracks of the metallic frame and waited a moment before wiping off the excess, hopefully ensuring a silent entry.

The moment of truth arrived, Anakin lifted the window just a hair to test it. Finding it whisper quiet despite its age as he opened it and stepped inside.

The interior of the home was just as you’d expect, family pictures, a fridge covered in cards and handwritten reminders. An obscene amount of carved wooden trinkets and the forever mysterious wooden fruit that seemed to adorn the tables of many an old folks homes. Apples and roosters strewn about the space in the form of paintings, lampshades and oddly detailed itchy blankets.

A gorgeous abalone jewelry dish held a silver pendant, trapped beneath was an intricate lace cover that seemed to be made specifically for the coffee table they rested on. Upon closer inspection Anakin determined that it was tailor made. Gloria Anne Nelson must’ve been a talented craftswomen, the quality of work was amazing.

Alan’s display of his wife’s work, her jewelry dish and her favorite engraved pendant… he’d made an altar for her and probably didn’t even realize it. He’d even placed a tall, thick white candle next to the abalone dish. It left Anakin with a lump in his throat, imagining the horrible loneliness this man must feel.

He stood up from his crouched position and took a breath, smoothing his shirt to iron out his emotions. There would be time for proper mourning and reflection later.

He walked toward the short hall that housed Alan’s bed room and bathroom, but stopped short when something on the wall caught his attention.

A calendar depicting a summertime scene of a lake and a small fishing boat was tacked to the wall above the dock for his home phone, a small note pad and pen resting beside it.

A small smile turning the corner of his lip, the sight bringing a fond memory of his grandmother keeping a set-up very similar to this. Must be a universal old person habit.

He stepped closer to read the writing in the small squares and came to the realization that this calendar was not up to date. This calendar was from 2013, ten years ago.

Anakin knew from his deep dive into the Nelson’s life that Gloria had passed on July 16th, but he didn’t realize that July 4th was the anniversary of Gloria and Alan’s first kiss.

She’d kept up with that anniversary for the entirety of 53 years. Poetic.

He took a look around the kitchenette and living room again. Really and truly looking this time, not just glazing over the bigger items, the things that caught his eye. This time he looked at the in between.

He wished he hadn’t. He wished he hadn’t cared enough to pay attention, it was something he’d never forget, an achievement he’d strive for for the rest of his life.

Alan’s home was a shrine.

A neatly kept time capsule full of warmth and fondness. It oozed from the very walls of the space. Gloria had never stepped foot in this space, but she dominated every inch of it. Her devoted husband had rebuilt his life in her image, even in death he worshipped her just as Anakin worshipped you.

A heavy weight settled in Anakin’s heart, this was the right choice. This confirmed it.

He quietly entered the bedroom, Alan’s C-PAP machine humming with a rhythmic flow of air, in, *scish*, *puftk*, out. It was soothing in a strange way, or maybe it was just a relief from the suffocating silence that compressed Anakin’s lungs when he was absorbing the space past the door.

He kneeled at the edge of the bed, pulling a small tube of lidocaine from his jacket hoodie pocket, along with a pair of gloves that he quickly donned. Wincing at the snap of the latex against his sweating palms, but the man continued his peaceful slumber, unaware that it would be his last.

He lifted the corner of the blanket and grimaced as he placed a small dollop of the cream via his index finger between Alan’s fourth and fifth toes. He didn’t even flinch.

Anakin kept the time on his watch and waited until the ointment did it’s job to numb the tender flesh. Fishing a small needle meant for insulin injections from a ziploc bag in pocket. Drawing a bit of air into barrel before carefully pricking the soft skin, holding his breath as his victim twitched.

When he stilled Anakin gently pushed the plunger and created a pocket of air in a vein that would soon end this poor souls life on earth. He withdrew the needle and stored it and the gloves in the ziploc bag, returning the blanket to its previous position.

He should’ve left then, but morbid curiosity had a tight hand around his wrist. Urging him to stay and wait out this event to its completion. So he tugged up his hood and stood motionless.

No one should be alone in their last moments. The least Anakin could do is provide silent support from the darkened corner. He counted the seconds on his watch until the man’s fingers twitched and his throat visibly tightened as a gurgled ball of air left his lungs. His eyes opened, wide and terrified as his body acted of its on volition.

Wrinkled hands weakly pawing at the C-PAP that was fitted over his head, Anakin watched his chest heave and collapse rapidly, the swell of his ribcage caving in on itself with each labored breath.

He’d heard of the ‘death rattle’ before but had never considered it to be anything other than a wives tale, until now. Alan’s choked coughs and gasping breaths reverberated in his chest and rolled up the stretch of his esophagus, coming out in a groan muffled by his lolled tongue.

He brought his fist to his chest in weak thumps, while his other reached over the side of the bed in the general vicinity of the night stand. It’s incredible what the human brain is capable of during such critical moments of stress. Anakin watch with a fascination that went beyond curiosity, wondering how the hell this guy was aware enough to try to grab the phone laying there.

Alan let his head fall to the side and his fading eyes blurred, but didn’t miss Anakin’s figure. To him, he was just a silhouette of midnight black. For some reason Anakin noticed a bit of the fear leave Alan’s tired eyes, softening as though he was accepting his quickly approaching end.

He stopped struggling, stopped reaching for the phone and instead held out a shaking hand to Anakin as though he wanted him to take it.

What kind of monster would deny a dying man?

He stepped forward on silent feet until he clasped the man’s wrist and felt his weak grip on his. The leathery skin was clammy, sickly to the touch and it made Anakin’s stomach churn.

“Death?” A small creaking attempt at the word eeked out of Alan’s lips.

“Yes sir.” Anakin responded. Was it true? No. But was it a lie? Also no. He was and he wasn’t.

“A-about…” the old man heaved, spittle flying from his mouth. “About damn time.”

Anakin was usually quick on his feet with his quips but this man’s nonchalant attitude, his welcoming of his fate was unexpected.

“Sorry Mr. Nelson.” He chuckled. “I’m a very busy man.”

He laughed. A rare occasion if not the only occasion that someone’s dying breath was a laugh. Anakin’s brow pinched together, wetting his lips with his tongue before chewing the inside of his cheek as he watched the life drain from his eyes.

Once his hand went slack and limp Anakin gently laid it across his chest, checked for a pulse and found none. He patted the old man’s shoulder and turned to exit the room, he didn’t look back and he didn’t take another breath until he set foot on the fire escape and the window was shut. Making quick work of closing the clasp and reassembling the metal frame.

He took a shaky breath and checked his watch. Bewildered by the passing of time. He literally couldn’t comprehend it, pulling out his phone to confirm. The times were indeed matching.

Three minutes and 57 seconds.

He was only inside for three minutes and 57 seconds. He felt like hours of his life had flown by, he felt both aged and more alive than he’d ever been. The only thing he could compare this feeling to was… the feeling he got because of you.

He’d done a good thing.

Alan said so himself, the man was ready, beyond ready to embrace death. Anakin had done him a favor by taking his life returning his soul to his soulmate.

It gave him a warm feeling in his chest. He thought maybe he would feel sick, he almost did, until he didn’t. He decided not to question his contentment, instead pocketing it to tuck away in the recess of his mind that he stored his more unhealthy thoughts and experiences in.

He liked that about himself, his ability to compartmentalize at will. He liked to be neat and tidy, it was only natural that his mind mirror that. He knew that it was just his mind’s creation; his mind didn’t really look like a neat room of filing cabinets.

He had one for childhood memories, one for his favorite happy memories, one for his mother, one for his friends, one for his work life, one for his home life. But the two most important things housed in the confines of his skull were the golden pedestal holding the beautifully crafted, one of a kind ceramic vase he poured his love for you into; and The Pit.

He didn’t like The Pit. His inner self kindly transported the things that belonged there via a lockbox and unceremoniously tossed it over the edge at a safe distance. Even the figment of his imagination in this scenario was too afraid to peer over the edge of the chasm. He’d never heard anything hit the bottom, if he got too close he would fall, and fall, and fall, and fall, and fall for eternity.

Then what would you do? Suffer through a sad existence like poor Mr. Nelson?

No. He can’t let that happen. He won’t let that happen. You’re to precious, too pure, too good to experience anything but radiant joy.

He breathed in relief as he found himself suddenly outside his front door, he’d traveled on autopilot.

He showered and tucked himself into bed, exhausted and drained emotionally. But not too much, not enough that he could neglect his duties. He checked the tracker on his phone, pleaded to see that you were abiding by your unspoken agreed upon curfew. Home before 2:00am. Always.

It was only 12:30. Good job princess.

He waited, following the little blue dot to the larger red one and switched over to the live camera feed and witnessed you chatting happily on your phone as you trotted up the stairs.

He thanked his past self from this morning and grabbed the laptop from his nightstand and patiently waited for the mirror image of your phone updated.

Luke. It was just Luke making sure you got home safe; maybe Luke wasn’t too bad after all. He wasn’t a threat to Anakin in anyway and he was concerned with your well-being. Not as much himself of course but enough that Anakin could throw a smidgen of respect his way, it’s nice to know he already has something in common with your best friend.

He did his routine night-time walk through of your device, seeing that you’d turned on your alarms for the next day already. He smiled fondly, his sleepy girl.

He turned up the sound on your bedroom camera, plugging up his phone and putting the laptop on the night stand. He placed his phone next to his head and listened to your breathing slow and relax.

He loved this. Sleeping with the sound of your soft snores and mumbled sleepy words. It was an intimacy that he craved to manifest into the flesh world.

Soon he would.

Someone please tell me that if you’ve waitressed/known a waitress who’s done shit like that?? If not I just told on myself for being a big fat liar.

Part Four

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[linnetagain]

I have. Had a realization.

In-fic, it is Feb/March-ish of 2024. Gale is currently 29, Astarion is about to be 27. Hestia is seven-ish, and the baby was born when Gale was 21ish? Yes?

IRL, it is August 2024. I am currently 29. My sister is 27.

I am losing my mind.

I was a junior during the 2012 Olympics. Originally Astarion said that he was 14 when he skated to Golden, but that was when he thought his birthday was Jan 1, and skating season is usually finished by March, yeah??? So he would have be 13, little baby EIGHTH grader, teeny tiny child? Protect him????

And the Sebastian incident, he said he was 16, so that would have been some time in 2014, I’d only just graduated and was pretending to be A Real Adult, my sister was a tenth grader reading Julius Caesar and all that shiz, we were binge watching episodes of Pokémon on my chunky laptop like they were a line of crushed smarties on a coffee table and we had no nerve endings left in our sinuses.

Gale was 15 when he met Mystra, frickin 2010 or some shiz, I was still deeply uninterested in men as a concept at that point I’m ace but that’s beside the point so’s he, what were you thinking lady, I have a different sister who’s 8 years younger than me, when I was 22 the humans her size may as well have been INFANTS, who goes shopping for college boyfriends among incoming high school freshmen, you’re NASTY

Married at 19, okay maybe not so weird generally, that’s what my mom did, she’s fine, to each their own, but like that’s when I was heading into my first proper burnout, I was not a PERSON, absolute brick made of oatmeal, also I was still a TINY BABY, that was heckin ten years ago, heckin 2014, Astarion “falls” and Gale’s heckin legally bound to his heckin manager frick 2014 seriously who authorized this

Hestia would have been born some time in 2017, if she’s already 7 when the fic started in fall 2023, some time in March–September since we haven’t seen her birthday on screen yet, so absolute earliest she could have been conceived would have been like, June 2016, so Gale would have gotten the ultimatum in probably July or August, chest injury probably happened earlier that year, maybe March–Juneish if he spent a year retraining his voice and lungs and it overlapped with paternal leave post-Hessie, and Astarion asked “was that the year that—?” so his first baby probably died like, maybe mid-2015? That’s right when I got my heckin puppy. Gale’s son should be as old as my puppy dog. Jeez, Astarion escapes to law school right as Gale gets Metaphorically Orbed. Congrats Gale, you’re 20 and having the Worst Year Ever

Also, shoutout to Astarion for finishing law school in 3 years? Class of 2018? That seems so fast with like pre-law and stuff but I don’t know how the UK does it, also he’s a smart boy, GO, be FREE my son (sort of not really psych jk)

But also ugh living in a two-bed studio apartment for at least five years assuming they lived in student housing before that? How is your mind still intact

But just. Hessie. Born 2017. The year I started going into my SECOND major episode of burnout. Heck, do I know any seven year olds??? How old are my little cousins?? Heck, it would the ones who didn’t live very close, how big is a seven year old?????? My close friends have a six year old, but she’s usually doing her own thing when I hang out with them so I usually visualize her as so much smaller, I think I might be literally incapable of comprehending having spawned a tiny growing human and having them in close proximity to myself since 2017

Congrats, you’ve broken me

Yeah don't be fooled by Gale talking about how old he feels, they're both SO young and so much of the shit that they've gone through happened to them when they were literally children. Astarion was thirteen when he won gold, Gale was fifteen when he met Mystra. It's one of the reasons why that brief mention of Romeo and Juliet is so loaded, because Astarion is looking back and remembering how it felt like his whole world was defined by this one thing when he was that age, and how much has changed since then. How much more he's had the chance to be, and how he was so close to losing the chance at that. Also one of the reasons why it's so easy to write him being protective of Hestia. He can see Gale trying to give her a better childhood than either of them had and he's absolutely going to try and help.

[wutbju]

For Josh Crockett's first Heritage Day chapel, he helps the audience's insomnia with a conversation between Bob Jones III and Stephen Jones.

Bob can't help himself, however, in repeating a typical Trump-talking-point insulting Kamala Harris's intelligence.

Stephen looks a little embarrassed. Josh adores it!

The Anti-Defamation League points out that these kinds of insults are typical among white male supremacists -- a kind of glue that binds them all together.

And Trump himself never fails to hurl some kind of insult at any woman who dares to act:

On Vice President Kamala Harris "She is slow and lethargic in answering even the easiest of questions." [October 13, 2024] "Lyin' Kamala, who is being exposed as a 'dummy' every time she does a show." [October 8, 2024] "Kamala is mentally impaired." [September 29, 2024] "Retarded." [September 29, 2024] "They put her in, and she somehow — a woman — somehow she's doing better than [President Joe Biden] did." [September 18, 2024] "She's a Marxist. Everybody knows she's a Marxist." [September 10, 2024] "I am much better looking than Kamala Harris." [August 17, 2024] "She was a bum three weeks ago. She was a bum. A failed vice president in a failed administration." [July 27, 2024] "She's so bad. She's so pathetic. She's so fu*king bad" [July 3, 2024] "I see the same basic level of competence as [President Joe Biden]. I would define her in a very similar matter that I define him" [July 9, 2024] "If [Biden] had picked someone even halfway competent they would have bounced him from office years ago, but they can't because she's gonna be their second choice" [July 9, 2024] "This monster that was onstage with Mike Pence, who destroyed her last night, by the way. I thought that wasn't even a contest last night. She was terrible. I don't think you could get worse. And totally unlikeable" [Oct. 8, 2020] "You know what, people don't like her. Nobody likes her. She could never be the first woman president. She could never be. That would be an insult to our country." [Sept. 8, 2020] "Very, very nasty … the meanest, the most horrible, most disrespectful of anybody in the U.S. Senate." [Aug. 11, 2020] On 2024 presidential candidate and GOP nomination rival Nikki Haley "Nimbra doesn't have what it takes" [Jan. 19, 2024] "Birdbrain doesn't have the TALENT or TEMPERAMENT to do the job" [Sept. 29, 2023] On former Transportation Secretary Elaine Chao "[GOP Senate Leader Mitch McConnell's] China loving wife, Coco Chao!" [Sept. 30, 2022] On "The View" co-host Sunny Hostin "That is one dumb woman. Sorry. I'm sorry, women, she's a dummy." [October 9, 2024] On Casey DeSantis, wife of 2024 presidential candidate and GOP nomination rival Ron DeSantis "I know more about him than anybody other than perhaps his wife, who is really running his campaign" [Nov. 8, 2022] On House Speaker Emerita Rep. Nancy Pelosi (D-Cali) "She's turned on him like a dog. She's as crazy as a bed bug" [July 20, 2024] "We'll stand up to crazy Nancy Pelosi, who ruined San Francisco — how's her husband doing, anybody know?" [September 29, 2023] On Democratic Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez "This is not even a smart person, other than she's got a good line of stuff. I mean, she goes out and she yaps." [Aug. 14, 2020] On the #MeToo movement "It is a very scary time for young men in America, where you can be guilty of something you may not be guilty of. … Women are doing great." [Oct. 2, 2018] "You've got to deny, deny, deny and push back on these women. If you admit to anything and any culpability, then you're dead. … You've got to be strong. You've got to be aggressive. You've got to push back hard. You've got to deny anything that's said about you. Never admit." [Via Bob Woodward's Fear: Trump in the White House] On Omarosa Manigault Newman "A crazed, crying lowlife" and a "dog." [Aug. 14, 2018] On Democratic Rep. Maxine Waters "An extraordinarily low IQ person." [June 25, 2018] On Mika Brzezinski "I heard poorly rated @Morning_Joe speaks badly of me (don't watch anymore). Then how come low I.Q. Crazy Mika, along with Psycho Joe, came to Mar-a-Lago 3 nights in a row around New Year's Eve, and insisted on joining me. She was bleeding badly from a face-lift. I said no!" [June 29, 2017] On Hillary Clinton "Such a nasty woman." [Oct. 19, 2016] "If she were a man, I don't think she'd get 5 percent of the vote." [April 26, 2016] "If Hillary Clinton can't satisfy her husband, what makes her think she can satisfy America?" [April 16, 2015]

The list goes on.

This is the Heritage on full display at Bob Jones University in 2024.

[sizzlingpatrolfox]

You know what pisses me off to the nth degree? When people say that Jimin isn’t queer but they justify their opinion by comparing what he’s done (or rather, what he hasn’t done) to what Taehyung has done. In other words, “Tae mentions queer media often!”. Like, have you considered that maybe it’s a lot easier for a straight man (or at least straight presenting by nasty stereotypical norms) in a conservative country to talk about queer media and artists and give recommendations, etc., than it is for an actual queer person to do it? Another thing: I hate to say it but there’s a reason why the harassment and insults against Jimin are almost always homophobic/transphobic — it’s because he’s more stereotypically queer in appearance. That doesn’t mean he is queer, obviously, but when you combine that with the things he’s said, how he’s presented himself as, the coding he puts into his work — it starts to become a lot clearer why he chooses a different approach to these things. It’s especially insane because when Jimin does things that indicate him not being straight/cis/etc., it’s blatantly ignored; It’s the stylist’s choice, Koreans don’t know about XYZ, so on and so forth. Because apparently the only type of “hinting” towards ones sexuality is saying you like CMBYN. Or something of the likes. It all reeks of a very specific, sometimes entirely western-centric way of sexuality/gender expression and coding.

The thing is... Jimin doesn't even talk about the STRAIGHT media he watches. It's not like he deliberately doesn't talk about queer media, he just DOESN'T TALK about what he watches or listens to. It would be an argument if he were super into sharing about the movies or the dramas he watches or the artists he listens to, and somehow we'd know that he purposefully avoided talking about the queer ones or had a bad reaction to it. But he doesn't really talk about movies or TV at all. So I don't get the comparisons.

I really think Jimin doesn't have a personality of a someone that's fan of people, that's a fan of media. Have you noticed how he doesn't seem to have a favorite artist, he doesn't really go to concerts as much as like for example, JK does. He said in 2019 that he didn't have role moles growing up, etc. He really is just a dude in that sense. It's not that he doesn't enjoy music or TV, but he doesn't seem to become a fan. I've met lot of people like that, that don't really have fixed interests or are fans of anything. My brother is one of those people.

I agree that maybe it's more difficult for Jimin to point out gay media if he's queer himself, it would be totally understandable. It doesn't necessarily have to be because of that, tho. Personally, I'm queer and I don't really talk about gay media that much. I actually think gay movies suck most of the time 😭 my favorite singer is Taylor Swift, who's literally the straightest woman that has ever lived and all her songs, songs that I know by heart and sing at the top of my lungs, are about men. My favorite movies are also romantic movies with straight couples. None of that makes me straight.

You know when was the first time I watched call me by your name? During quarantine in 2020. It was around late May or June 2020, that was my first time watching that movie. My brother, a straight guy that just likes cinema, watched it the year it came out while me, the gay of the family who just doesn't care that much about cinema, watched a gay movie 3 years later.

Everytime someone asks me to recommend them queer media, my mind goes blank. I can't think of more than two or three movies/TV shows because I just don't watch that many. And the majority of media I consume and enjoy, it's straight.

Taehyung is clearly someone who just loves movies, period. He has shared about his love or interest in a lot of queer media and artists, but that doesn't make him queer. He's also shown the same interest and love for "straight" media, too. Not only that, but all the songs he's written are for women. Also, the gay movies Taehyung has mentioned have several other elements that he likes in general, I mean CMBYN's whole aesthetic, it's a "foreign film", you know, all that snob/snob wannabe stuff that he likes. It's not like he'd suddenly come out and say he loves Fire Island or RuPaul. He even likes Lady Gaga because apparently she invented jazz 😭😭😭😭😭 C'MON.. be for real. He likes her because she's singing the type of music that he likes, but he's never said anything about her whole career before jazz, which was the Lady Gaga that gays actually liked.

If Jimin comes out with an album that he's handwritten himself and all of the songs turn out to be for a woman, THEN that would be something that would force me to at least reconsider a lot of what I believed about his sexuality, but until then... Nothing he's ever said or done imo indicates that he's straight.

[fortisfiliae]

Promised Part 10 - Tom Riddle x reader

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8 | Part 9 | Part 10 | Part 11 | Part 12 | Part 13 | Part 14 | Part 15 | Part 16 | Part 17 | Masterpost | Masterlist

Summary: In this story, Tom didn’t grow up as an orphan, but with his grandfather and uncle. Reader’s sister got very sick and the Gaunts offer their help. But not without asking for something in return.

Disclaimer: Please be aware that I don’t condone any of this in real life. (GIF is not mine)

Warnings: Arranged marriage

Word count: 3k

Part 10 - Mors Grano

The days after Avery’s poor attempt of gathering information went by quite eventfully. Not only had Avery and Lestrange almost gotten expelled by Dippet for what they had done, but had received the worst detention you had ever heard of. 

Every day, up until the N.E.W.T.s would start, they had to help Mr Carpe, Hogwarts’ caretaker, to clean every last bit of the castle. Without magic of course. And when they weren’t scrubbing floors, cleaning windows, or polishing trophies, they were copying the school rules on parchment, by hand. The amount of paper they had to fill looked like it wouldn’t even fit into an entire classroom, had it not been rolled up. 

Even if they still wanted to, their new schedule didn’t even give them enough time to trail, or even think about you. They barely had enough time to finish their homework before tumbling into their beds.

You would have felt sorry for them, but Tom’s snarky grin, which he wore every time you saw the two in the hallways, reminded you that you didn’t have to. 

Thank Merlin you hadn’t told Avery much when he had disguised himself as Tom. You had just confirmed that the engagement had been arranged but thankfully hadn’t said anything about your sister. There had been worse rumours going round about Tom and you. 

Camille almost didn’t believe you when you told her what they had done. After a lot of head shaking and “no, they didn’t”s she just stared at you with her mouth open and proceeded to laugh for a full minute or two when you told her about their punishment. 

It was a lucky coincidence that she had found an interest in Ben, as she didn’t mind now that you were spending a lot more time with Tom. She was preoccupied as well by the looks of it. 

After the accidental sleepover, you had stayed in Tom’s dorm overnight more often. Not on accident though. It had become a routine to you, to have another quick chat with Camille after classes, arrange some dates for when you wanted to study together and then make your way to the Slytherin common room, where Tom’s dorm was.

Tom was sitting at his desk when you entered the room, apparently deep in thought and studying the Potions book he had gifted you.

“Alright?” you said when you closed the door.

He nodded as you went up to him.

“Found anything interesting for the Moly?” you asked. “It still looks quite healthy to me.”

“Not really,” he answered and turned towards you. “Nothing specific.”

“Oh, I just got an owl from my parents. ” You crammed the letter out of your bag and handed it to him. “They’ve fixated the date. For the wedding.”

Tom read the letter quietly, his eyebrows twitching slightly once or twice.

“June 30th,” he said.

“That’s only one day after we graduate,” you stated and tried to lighten the mood by joking. “Seems like they can’t wait for the big day.”

He nodded as he gazed into the flames inside the fireplace, a tiny grin pulling on the edge of his mouth before he looked up at you. “Can you?”

To prevent the chuckle that built up inside of you from bursting out, you took Tom’s hand, lightly pulled on it and gestured towards the couch, where you wanted to sit. He closed the Potions book, but kept one finger inside it and took it with him when you led him over.

“Well, I don’t know,” you said as you let yourself fall onto the cushion. “It still doesn’t feel real, does it?”

“True,” he simply agreed. 

“I can’t wait to try on the dress, though. That’ll be exciting,” you went on and noticed him smiling. “And then there’s the most important part, of course.”

He gave you a look as if to say he didn’t know what you meant.

“Elsie,” you explained. “Your uncle will lift her curse completely then. Or so I hope at least.”

Morfin had to, didn’t he? It was part of the pact after all. Tom and you would get married so that they would free your sister. As much as you wanted to believe that the Gaunts were trustworthy, there had been a nasty sting in your stomach ever since the engagement. Would they really give up, even when they had won? They wouldn’t be able to control you anymore afterwards, or Tom, or anyone but themselves. Marvolo’s filthy grin appeared in your head. Would he ever give it a rest?

“He will free her, won’t he?” you asked.

Tom looked into your eyes for a moment, then cleared his throat. “Well, it’s what they agreed on.”

“But?” you asked. 

“But,” he went on, “You’ve seen how they are.”

An invisible weight seemed to pull on your limbs and the sting in your stomach got more intense. 

“They’ll never let go,” you breathed. “But how-”

Tom shook his head and exhaled slowly. “I have to show you something.”

He gave you the Potions book and opened it at the page where he had put his finger before. “I thought you’d come across it on your own, but as I noticed you wouldn’t… Just see for yourself.”

You stared at him for a moment, wondering what Morfin’s book had to do with anything, before looking down at it. Tom pointed at a recipe, written in scrawled handwriting:

Mors Grano or The Dust Of Slow Death The dust is used to be scattered over an item and will cling to the first person that touches it. Vanishes the second the victim comes in contact, which makes it very hard to be detected and cured. Victims will suffer from a distinctively harsh cough, as well as pain and flu-like symptoms, which will worsen each day, until they become fatal. Average time until death is around three weeks after the first encounter with Mors Grano. In most cases, the victim will lose their life before the appropriate antidote can be given. 

You didn’t bother reading the list of ingredients, as your hands were shaking far too much to even detect another word. You had heard of Mors Grano before. Professor Dippet had brought it up in History of Magic when you had learned about the Passing of Men in 1760. Hundreds of witches had poisoned their abusive husbands with it when the dust had been invented. It had taken years to figure out what had caused such an increased amount of deaths, which happened to involve male wizards only. The potion and most of its ingredients got banned afterwards and you had never heard of another case since.

Until now. It suddenly all made sense. The Gaunts had sent the letter and had coated it with Mors Grano. They had known how to cure Elsie all along and had patiently waited, days and weeks, had let your sister suffer until Father had contacted them. No wonder the owl had given the letter to her, even though it had been addressed to Father. They had specifically chosen her. A ten year old, innocent, little girl. 

You weren’t sure if you had to throw up, or just needed to punch something really hard, but your stomach did twists and turns that you had never felt before. A thin layer of sweat had formed on your forehead and your hands were still shaking.

“They…” you whispered. “And you knew?”

Tom swallowed thickly. “I didn’t at first. But then I came across it when Morfin prepared the poison.”

“And you never told me?” you asked, your voice loud and on the verge of breaking, while you attempted to get up from the couch.

“Let me explain,” Tom said and grabbed your hand. “Sit down.”

“What is there to explain?” you asked, trying to pull away from his grip. “You’ve known for months. Even before your first visit. Before Elsie got sick. And you never tried to prevent it, nor did you tell me.”

Tom’s grip around your hand got tighter the more you tried to get him off you. “I said let me explain. I let you explain yourself when I saw you with Avery, didn’t I? Imagine I just ran away then. Now sit down.”

Finally, Tom’s grip loosened, allowing you to tear your hand away from him. Not knowing what to think or say, you sat down but couldn’t bring yourself to even look in his direction.

“Yes, I knew,” he began with a sigh. “And I didn’t care until I found out what they wanted to use the potion for. But I couldn’t tell you. Or anyone. I still can’t. I’m unable to talk about it. They were a step ahead. Understand?”

The Gaunts were a step ahead. They always wanted to be. Just like on Christmas Day, when they wanted you and Tom to do-

“An unbreakable vow?” you asked with wide eyes. “You had to vow not to tell anyone.”

He nodded. “I vowed not to tell. But I didn’t vow not to show.”

He turned one page inside the book and handed it to you again.

Mors Grano - antidote

Ingredients: 

The skin of a snake

2 fresh Foxgloves

3 blossoms of a Moly

4 drops of Moondew

5 tears of a Banshee

“The antidote,” you mumbled. “Full with an ingredient list and instructions. Morfin brewed it already then? They gave it to Elsie, otherwise, she wouldn’t have gotten better.”

“He didn’t complete it,” Tom answered, apparently trying not to say something that would interfere with the vow.

“He left out something? They gave her an unfinished antidote?”

Tom nodded. 

“The tears?” you guessed, solely because it was the most powerful and rare item on the list.

“I’m not sure. They never let me into his chamber after the engagement.”

“Can we… Can we steal it from him? And add the last ingredient?”

“Marvolo has the flask on him at all times. He’s suspicious, even of Morfin.”

Bloody hell. Marvolo’s paranoia was a real pain. You scanned the antidote again, thinking of all the ways you could get your hands on that potion.

“But I could brew it myself. Most of the ingredients are easy to find. Foxgloves are for sale in Diagon Alley, I’ve seen them countless times. The Moly, we have it here,” you listed and looked at it standing on the desk, finally realising why Tom had tried to keep it alive so badly. “Snakeskin from Nagini. We just wait for her to shed. Moondew and the Banshee tears will be tricky, however.”

Tom nodded at every new thing you had said. “You figured it out.”

Your stomach had stopped squirming at the glimmer of hope you had for saving Elsie. You carefully read the recipe for the antidote again, understanding how long it would take and how hard it would be to get the potion right. If everything went well, it would be finished mid to late June at the earliest. Besides, Slughorn had never taught you such advanced techniques. 

Now that you were thinking of your Professor, it began to dawn on you. “Do you think Slughorn has Moondew and Banshee tears in his chamber?”

“Possibly,” Tom answered. “But do you really want to steal from him after what Avery and Lestrange did? I’m sure he’s got it all locked up in his office now.”

“Well, I have to try. Where else would I get those things from? And I better try soon. The antidote will take months to make as it is and the earlier I start, the better.”

Tom took the book, got up from the couch and put it into the drawer of his desk, closing it shut slowly.

“What are you doing?” you asked.

“We’re going to Slughorn then, aren’t we? Come on.”

You followed him out hastily, trying to sort out your thoughts. Frankly, you had not expected to get the ingredients this quickly.

“Wait, how are we going to do it?” you asked, struggling to keep pace. “We can’t just sneak in and grab the things we need. He might be in there.”

“Even better then,” Tom said, not deigning to look at the other students strolling along the hallways. “I talk, you get the stuff.”

As Slughorn’s office was located on the sixth floor, it took some time to get there. Your mind was still racing around the facts you had just been given and you needed to talk about it.

“I can’t believe they made you vow,” you muttered. “Marvolo and Morfin are…”

“Bastards,” he finished your sentence when you stepped from one of the moving staircases to another. “I’m aware.”

“Well, yes they are.”

You were the only people on the staircase, floating higher up towards your destination. Tom looked over his shoulder to double-check if anyone could hear him.

“You know what,” he said pensively. “I actually expected people to ask me what I, or my family, had done to make the engagement happen. Seeing as it was them who got the ball rolling. But everyone suspected you. They all thought your parents bribed us.”

You thought about what to answer for a moment. A sour smile had formed on your face. One that, for all you knew, every woman had worn at least once in her life. 

“A woman's intentions will always be questioned a hundred times harsher than those of a man, Tom. What else is new?”

He pressed his lips together, nodded and kept quiet until you reached the sixth floor.

“Wait,” you said and got a hold of his hand when you had entered the corridor of Slughorn’s office. “I wanted to thank you. For helping me. The book, the Moly and now this. You know you don’t have to.”

He squeezed your fingers lightly in response. 

“Trust me, no one hates Marvolo and Morfin more than I do. If I can make their lives a bit harder, I’ll gladly do it. And besides, I want to see your sister become Quidditch captain one day. That will really piss them off.”

There wasn’t a lot of time to take in Tom’s words, as you had arrived. There it was. The door to Slughorn’s room.

“Get behind me,” Tom ordered. “Make sure he doesn’t see you.”

You did as he said, pressed your back against the stone wall and watched from a small distance how Tom knocked on the door and Slughorn opened it.

“Oh, Tom,” the Professor said. “Good afternoon. What brings you here?”

“Good afternoon Professor. I hope I’m not disturbing you. I have some questions about Avery and Lestrange. I’m trying to sort out some things for Professor Dippet. Would you mind letting me in?”

Slughorn opened the door fully and stepped back. “Of course, boy, of course. Come in.”

Tom had left the door open for you to slip in behind them, which you instantly did. He lured Slughorn to the far end of his office, walking backwards and keeping an eye on you. Slughorn’s potion stock was right next to the entrance, where you knelt down between the shelves, in case he would turn around unexpectedly.

The small drawers weren’t tagged, but you noticed that their contents were sorted alphabetically. As you silently roamed through them, you could hear Tom and Slughorn speak.

“So, Professor,” Tom said. “Do you know if Avery and Lestrange have taken anything else? Apart from the Polyjuice Potion?”

The Professor hummed. “Not that I’m aware of, no. Why?”

Every single one of the drawers was filled to the brim with ingredients, some vials even had completed potions in it, but you still hadn’t seen the things you were looking for. It was a delicate act to go through everything so quickly, while being quiet at the same time and making sure not to miss anything.

“Well, there were some items found. Residues of Moondew and Banshee tears,” Tom explained.

“Banshee tears?” Slughorn asked.

“Yes. We can’t be sure if it was them, but I thought if you missed those things from your supply, the two might have something to do with it.”

“No, everything else is there, I counted it myself,” Slughorn assured. “What baffles me are the Banshee tears.”

Tom was an excellent liar, even though Slughorn would have probably bought anything his favourite student said. The bottom drawer at the penultimate row was stuck. You pulled the handle tightly but it only opened up an inch and gave a screech while it did, making you freeze from fear.

“Did you hear something?” Slughorn asked, his voice echoing your way.

“No, I didn’t,” Tom answered and coughed. “Why are you surprised about the Banshee tears, sir?”

“Well, those tears are rare,” the teacher answered, his head directed towards Tom again. “Very rare and also not very legal, boy. I’ve never seen them anywhere in my whole life. They couldn’t have been from me.”

No Banshee tears from Slughorn then. You pulled out your wand and cast a nonverbal spell to loosen up the stuck drawer. Should have done that right away, you thought to yourself. Eventually, it opened smoothly and your eyes went over all the flasks and their name tags. Mollowsweed, mandrake, maw, mistletoe berry... Moondew. Thank Merlin! There were over ten vials of it in the drawer, so you hastily took out one and put it into your pocket.

You peeked over the counter, locked eyes with Tom, and pointed towards the door to let him know you would leave.

“I see,” Tom went on, his eyes back on Slughorn. “We’ll have to look into that. Anyway, if you do notice some Moondew missing, against all expectations, I’m going to have another talk with Dippet about Avery and Lestrange.”

“I’ll let you know, boy. Thank you.”

“Enjoy your evening, sir.”

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8 | Part 9 | Part 10 | Part 11 | Part 12 | Part 13 | Part 14 | Part 15 | Part 16 | Part 17 | Masterpost | Masterlist

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[shamylicious-blog]

omg guys woaah ok ok ok..iam beaten ! whats with you :D??! ok iam telling.puuh so um this is going to be long..so i hope you will enjoy :D sorry for my english first y know its not my first language. xD i do my best..ok lets START So my husband and I met when we were both 17 (2007). we got to know each other through a socail network called schülervz it was very popular in germany back in my schooldays. We were both members of a group there and really talked every day from that point onwards, without exceptions. into our group of friends also included someone I met through this group. a girl who has become my best friend all these years. the 3 of us were really inseparable, even if it was only over the internet. that didn’t matter. we were totally honest with each other.  a bond that was 100% trust based. we talked together for hours every day. my husband was a trainee at the time and i graduated in economics and administration. We’d never met until the day we got together. our friendship lasted from 2007 to 2009 june. we were really good friends.just friends. I could tell him when I was interested in someone he could do the same. everything was great. best friends forever you could say. then there was a point in our lives where everything has changed all of a sudden.

one day he called me during the break and said that there was a girl at his work who asked him for a date. From that moment onwards everything went haywire for me. I got very nervous. although he talked to me about girls earlier and everything was totally normal. but that day nothing was normal anymore. i actually got angry..and yes i was jealous and i dont even know exactly why. He told me his story and I asked quite normally, because I’m a damn good friend, who she is and what she is like and if he needs help … (how stupid to offer help with something like that :)) well he just said that hell think about it and that he can do it all byhimself he just wanted me to know. we hung up and my whole day was covered by dark clouds. but we talked normally as usual. A few days passed and I knew that he was still in contact with her. After all, they work together. I couldn’t get rid of the thought that he would one day have a girlfriend. I got really sad. totally normal when people get together. But somehow I don’t like it at all. I didn’t get jealous because someone might be there, I got jealous because i still didn’t have the opportunity to see him for real. everyone else around him could really see him, but I couldn’t and that really messed me up at the time. he lived over 300km away from me. and for us it was a lot of stretch back then. we couldn’t just meet and hang out like others did. 

well at some point i realized that i couldn’t get him out of my head. I fell in love (wow very unexpected) but i still acted like a normal good friend .. because he had someone else to talk to. 

a few weeks passed and we didn’t talk as often as before .. everything changed suddenly and I couldn’t do anything about my broken heart. and I did something really stupid and started talking to someone else. He was from my school at the time and at first it was just normal conversations and then I noticed that he was more interested in me and I just played along because I thought that maybe I could forget him like this. i met with this boy. I also got along very well with him, he was really very nice .. at least at the beginning. One evening my (husband) called me and we talked normally. I also told him that I started meeting someone and he was quite astonished because up until then we hadn’t had the opportunity to talk very often. he was very suspicious. He kept asking me  something like ‘what’s his name how old. is he nice to you, give me his number, i want to talk to him etc. ’ very overprotective but that’s his way. no matter who it is. of course I didn’t allow him to talk to him. after all, its not his business. he himself has someone so why panic. He was then very offended and just said I should be careful and abruptly hung up. (back then I just thought idiot) well it passed about 3 weeks after this talk. i was still in some kind of relationship with this other boy..I say sort of because i couldn’t really warm up myself even though i liked him a lot .. and at this moment where I really wanted to try harder to like him more .. he came and said that he was going to break up. he had found someone who suits him better. i was really at the end ..

 a few days later i got up and my (husband) called me he just wanted to talk after 3 weeks without having spoken a word. he just wanted to talk. I was so mad at him. I cried on the phone and asked him what the problem of men is and whether everyone is so stupid. he himself was totally scared and wanted to know what was happening and I told everything and he got very, very damn angry but he couldn’t do much. and I was exhausted. I just think that I had to cry once. he tried to comfort me but how much comfort is there over the phone. Then suddenly it became quiet and all at once he cried out and said. ’ I’m coming to you.’I thought I wasn’t listening properly. he said that it is finally time that we meet and hang out .. I was totally speechless but totally happy to finally see my best friend for real. we chatted and then planned when and where we could meet. we have agreed that we will meet at my school on the weekend.

2 days left. it got so nervous and the most surprising thing was that it was snowing like crazy on that day … It was in the middle of March and it was snowing heavily. I was totally sad and didn’t know if he would make it with the car .. Such a damn long way and then also snow I panicked. accidents can happen. but he called me constantly during the drive to keep me up to date. In the afternoon I went to school of course everything was quiet (weekend) he called again and said that he would be there in 5 minutes. I couldn’t keep my nerves bare. what should i do ?? a good friend and just hang out together or say what’s on my mind ?? before I could think to the end I saw how he drove around the corner and parked in the school parking lot. my legs wouldn’t go. he got out and he had already seen me from afar and he just grinned with joy. I couldn’t help but grin like a goofy I went up to him and we just said hello, no hugging, nothing (he is to gentlemen xD without permission he wouldn’t lift a finger) but just to see his face in real life was totally enough for me. we decided for a little walk i just showed him my school. and after 2 hours of chatting we arrived at his car and i knew that he would have to leave soon. a long way after all. we just stood there and I didn’t want him to leave without really talking. At the moment when I wanted to say something he started to talk and he apologized for the time he was not with me where I could have needed him. I was totally surprised and started to feel my tears. he was totally confused and tried to calm me down and wiped my tears away (the moment he touched me for the first time, he was also shocked by his behavior could see it and he tried to apologize for touching me) I couldn’t take it anymore, I burst and practically explode. I took my courage together and shouted ‘I LOVE YOU, YOU İDİOT!' 

when i was aware of what i had done i blushed like a tomato .. and i was so mad at myself 'why did you do that he has somebody did you lose your mind what now?’ I couldn’t look at him he himself seemed to be in shock because I hadn’t heard nothing from him.. a few moments later I only heard a sob. when i looked up i actually saw him start crying..I was totally confused. what’s going on now ?! did I miss something. when I wanted to say something he stopped me and yelled back in my face: 'why !? why did you say this?! you spoiled everything! I had to be the one who made this confession first? !! your timing is really bad! damned!’ did I hear correctly he wanted to say it first? so he loves me too ?! I couldn’t tell how happy or sad I was at that moment .. And to be honest, I didn’t have the strength for anything either. I could have just lay in the snow and fell asleep. after a few minutes of silence he was caught and I just stared. he looked at me with a grin this time and then he confessed. every word, i remember everything he said 

‘You know, the day this girl asked me out on a date, you were the one who shot me right in the head. I didn’t know why , but I felt like I was doing you wrong. even if we had never seen each other in real life, I knew that you are everything to me .. even if it’s only as a good friend. and that evening I canceled this girl … the days after that when I wasn’t so talkative with you, was the time when i had to think about everything. maybe i hurt you with it but i just needed the time. and then when we talk again and I wanted to tell you everything you said that you met someone. I thought I wasn’t hearing right I was so angry and disappointed about myself that I just hung up and didn’t want to hear anything more from you..but somehow it didn’t work.I immediately missed your funny , sweet voice. I wanted to call again and apologize . but my hand didn’t want to. the time passed and when we could still talk. I couldn’t help myself anymore, I finally had to see you. from that moment i knew that it could only be you .i couldn’t help but want you. the thought that you would marry someone and that I would be invited as your 'best friend’ … to see you with someone else that would be my end. I had to act quickly and finally meet you. and you are here now and you stood there even though I wanted to do it first … you are really nasty. ’ he just grinned .. and I couldn’t help but laugh along I really wanted to hear it .and told him to say it .. when he stood there and looked at me, he asked me ’miss nasty ..i love you so much..do you want to be my everything?’ I couldn’t help myself and I was wrapped around his neck and we hugged each other so tightly that I hardly got air but it didn’t matter .I was so happy I just cried and so did he … well after that we took our time .. we got to know each other better i finished my school he finished his education our parents got to know each other and in april 2014 we got engaged and got married in the same year at the beginning of november and now we are happy with ourselves and our daughter. 

so thats it here you have it :D it may seem very normal ,cliche, but it was everything to me back than the struggle was real friends..and i treasure every single moment with him..

see ya :)

[autumnblogs]

Day 43: Openbound

We’ll principally be doing Act 6 Intermission 3 today, so expect lots of pictures in this one!

Believe it or not, I initially didn’t like Openbound very much; I felt like it kind of dragged on my first readthrough, and generally had a pretty hard time getting myself to care about the Dancestors. They’re a pretty unsympathetic bunch.

Then again, lots of Homestuck characters are pretty unsympathetic! I’ve been really feeling that in the second half, as retrospect allows me to view a lot of secondary characters through the lens that we’re not intended to get attached to them.

That said, Openbound is actually pretty key to helping us understand the second half of the comic, I think, and makes explicit a lot of the themes that it explores, and how it builds upon the first half.

I think that the theme of Openbound as a self-contained work within Homestuck that we can use as a tool to decode Homestuck can be concisely stated like this; “Nostalgia and a desire for unity with the past causes toxic stagnation.”

So, aside from the introduction that we’ve already gotten to Meenah through the short conversation she had with the other kids, this is our first real opportunity to get to know her! Boy is she obsessed with money.

Money, like Cake, is a symbol that is associated with the Aspect of Life. As an aspect principally associated with Raw Power - the power to do what you want, unfettered by the stringent restrictions that are associated with Doom - it’s natural that Life would be associated with money.

The origin of money in history is pretty nebulous; it precedes the invention of writing, so any theory concerning its invention is ultimately conjecture. What I think is interesting about money is that the move toward a monetary economy in history mostly (but not always) happens as a result of the fact that it is way more efficient to collect taxes; the state mints standard coins, only accepts taxes in the form of standard coins, and propagates them into the economy by buying goods and services from the market.

It’s a tool of government, and even though Meenah may abrogate her inheritance, the Princess can’t escape her birthright. Money offers control, security... and power. What makes all of this extra interesting is that money is effectively worthless in the afterlife. Here, there’s actually nothing for her to really buy or spend it on; anyone can dream up whatever they want with ease.

It’s a nice bit of callback humor that Meenah has the same reaction to discovering the Thorns of Oglogoth that Rose does, but unlike Rose, Meenah actually does destroy them on the spot.

For being so headstrong and dangerous, there are ways in which Meenah is really pretty surprisingly sensible.

Lord English can destroy ghosts - this has always been a pretty disturbing thought for me. I may have said something to this effect before, but if I haven’t I’m a free-thinking Theist - raised in the Church, and largely independent in terms of beliefs, but I’m still pretty convinced that there is some kind of life after death. It doesn’t bother me nearly as much in works that have final death as a general presupposition, but it always bothers me when some kind of eternal life after death exists in a setting, and can be arbitrarily denied by evil beings with some power or another, like how some Demons and Liches can destroy or devour a soul in Dungeons and Dragons.

In Homestuck though, it fits with the themes established by the ways in which everyone God Tiers - spiritual power can be pretty arbitrary, and generally signifies very little about the moral worth of the one who has it; it does not intrinsically elevate the one who has it. It fits with its general criticism of power and the powerful, whether that’s the Mayor’s hatred of Kings, or the associating of corporatism with the worst parts of Jane’s characterization and Crockercorp in general.

Lord English has the power to destroy ghosts and end the lives of immortals not because he has attained to any kind of heightened spiritual awareness. He’s just some douchebag who through cosmic serendipity was in the right place at the right time to become basically all-powerful.

I adore Meenah’s spark. Who gives a fuck if Lord English is invincible? She knows exactly what she’s going to do when she gets her hands on him, and she’s got a plan from the outset. I think it’s also interesting the way that even though Meenah is absolutely taken by the spectacle of power, it isn’t sufficient to make her want to join up with English. Only soft power works on Meenah Peixes; emotional intimacy, friendship... keeping her entertained. All of these are the actual way to moderate her violent and dangerous personality.

While neither Rose nor Meenah is a parallel character to either Gendo or Rei from Neon Genesis Evangelion (I think, actually, that Dirk is the character who most strongly parallels both of them), this bit reminds me of the way that Ritsuko describes both of them;

Rose says of herself and Meenah, “You’re not very good at this, are you? ... talking to people.”

Ritsuko says of Gendo and Rei, “They’re not very adept (at)... living, I suppose.”

The same can really be said of a lot of characters in Homestuck, particularly the ones who primarily find their identity in some form of power-seeking. Whether it’s Rose, or Dirk, or Meenah, or even someone as innocuous as Jake, none of them is particularly adept at living.

Rose is pretty conciliatory with Meenah; given her attraction to danger and darkness, it’s probably not surprising that she makes such an obvious pass at Meenah in spite of the fact that she probably knows what their relationship was in another life.

Further evidence that Rose is the horniest Homestuck character.

“you know how it is with ancestors

they just kind of hold this inexplicable power over you”

Dave continues to progress down the path of not giving a shit, as did Sollux before him.

He’s not quite to the level of reluctance that he eventually adopts, of choosing to just not engage with English at all.

Gods are, to some extent, aware of the various narrative forces that govern their existence.

About the only thing this piece of nasty trash has in common with Karkat is the extent to which they both blabber, and he helps create contrast with the other, somewhat more likable dancestors. Kankri is pretty much openly contemptible, and really in the worst way. I’m almost inclined to call him a concern troll because of the extent to which his verbal essays exist purely to make him feel better about himself. Any time it comes time for him to listen to people who historically actually suffered from the systems they were involved in, Kankri shows his true colors, slut-shaming and misogynistic.

Unsurprisingly, The Other Thief is also the vector for English’s ideology in her session, “turning us against each other to make us stronger.” While Kurloz may be a worshipper of English, and Damara may have thrown in her lot with the demon because of her nihilistic despair, Meenah (rather like Dirk!) is clearly driven toward a life of violence, and restless action for its own sake.

Now we’re starting to get some insight into Feferi’s style of rulership, which in turn, probably gives us some insight into Jane. For Feferi, leadership means taking power away from the people you’re leading if it seems like they have the potential to hurt themselves (or to be a drain on society if left to their own devices). It represents a violation of agency, perhaps not so severe as the kind that Vriska perpetrates usually.

Feferi and Jane are the sort of people, I think, who want to create a perfect world - but it’s important to them that they’re the one who’s creating that world, and less important that the world is perfect for anyone in particular. Just perfect.

https://homestuck.com/story/5288

John’s whole self-conception, and especially his conception of himself as a man, and someone who might be growing up to take on the same roles as his Father, is tied up in the icons of dadliness and masculinity in the movies that he likes.

So we should expect that his disillusionment with his past will change the way that he thinks about his future, and what he’s going to do with it. It’s a shame that this line of questioning never goes anywhere in Homestuck proper, but I’ll use it as evidence in the “John/June Egbert is trans” folder. Reminds me of how my decisive lack of affinity for the Boy Scouts serves as a nice little retrospective bit of evidence in my own trans narrative.

Based on the number of trans Eagle Scouts I know, I feel like there’s a certain extent to which it be like, a fast-track to figuring that out about yourself, like, you tried all the boy stuff and just decided, nope! Not for me.

https://homestuck.com/story/5290

Man, especially if we continue to read this section of Homestuck as conflating the characters and the audience, this whole section reads as John not just having a meltdown about Con Air, but also generally having a meltdown about his own story so far - everything he’s done in Sburb, etc. It just all feels lame and shitty in retrospect, when it was something that was kind of exciting at the time, at least up until the point where his loved ones all dropped dead there at the end.

It turns out that there was nothing particularly edifying about John’s suffering.

https://homestuck.com/story/5300

Teens can be such monsters. It’s the anniversary of Bro’s Death too. Davesprite is probably as broken up about that as John is about Dad, but it’s hard for boys/men to talk about that kind of thing with each other.

Cronus is even more of an incel than Eridan. He may be the most singularly contemptible character in Paradox Space. Do I hate anyone more than Cronus? No, I think I do not.

I won’t have a lot to say about the middle leg of Openbound; it’s relatively empty of substance, and not much that happens in it is ever relevant again compared to the first and second legs.

I like to think that this leg of the journey is, more than anything, a chance to ruminate on some joke characters who were already parodies; parodies of parodies, a joke made at the expense of an existing joke. The kind of thing Dirk Strider would write, basically.

Hey check it out, the Year of Our Lord 2012, and Andrew was starting to show some mild sensitivity in his choice of words. Just mild enough to have the lowest character in the story show a tiny bit of sensitivity himself.

This leg of the adventure does give us some more insight into Meenah’s character. Just like Vriska, she’s all about being a hardass super-murder, until she starts causing problems for the people she actually cares about.

Being Evil Sucks.

This is a really weird sentiment for Karkat to have in light of like, everything else about the latter half of the comic. I mean, he hasn’t exactly had the epiphany yet that the ideas that he has about being a leader are kind of awful and shitty, so it’s possible that he’s talking the Condesce up to avoid thinking about that. IDK.

He also immediately claims he’ll leave behind the meteor to go and join Meenah’s army, so maybe Karkat is just in a pretty low place in general? That tracks.

Karkat’s little conversation with Terezi explains at the two thirds mark of Openbound exactly what this whole thing is about.

Almost the entire second half of the comic is about examining the character’s guardians, and their relationships with them. The Guardians - Grandpa and Bro especially - are hyped up to be these outrageous badasses, both in-and-out of universe, and their ambivalent relationship with their kids creates this ambiguity throughout the comic about whether the kids are worthy, whether they’re living up to their parents’ legacy - and it’s the kind of thing that plagues them throughout.

But the thing is, Ancestors can be lame, or even terrible. They’re not really anything to aspire to, and the image of success that they project onto the world is one of learned confidence, and usually that only if they’ve really managed to make it.

Even the best parents are flawed, and instead of trying to measure up to them, growing up healthy usually means learning what those flaws are, and committing not to reproduce them.

Parents don’t suck; they can be awesome, and generally speaking, for a long part of our life, they’re all we’ve got. It’s hard not to love them. But we shouldn’t turn them into idols.

(On another note, it’s one hundred percent fitting for Terezi’s Ancestor to be an outrageous coolgirl. Terezi is perpetually anxious about being cool enough, the sort of person who is breathlessly fun to be around, who commands the attention of everyone around her, and she’s surrounded by them wherever she goes.)

https://homestuck.com/story/5340

John’s distress leads him to dream about his dead Dad, and boy is he angry. He spends a lot of the second half of the comic seething in rage directed at whomever is responsible for all the suffering he and his friends endure, dishing out beatdowns toward those responsible, but I’ve never gotten the impression that these little outbursts of his are particularly rewarding for him.

https://homestuck.com/story/5358

That was quite a blow. He knocked out like a tenth of Jack’s health bar.

https://homestuck.com/story/5387

Depending on where you’re standing some really totally different things can matter to different people. From Vriska’s point of view, the things that happened back when she was alive totally don’t matter at all anymore - only the matter of Cosmic importance that is fighting Lord English.

But the stuff that matters to the people she left behind, and the suffering she’s responsible for - especially for putting Terezi in a position where she had to slay her - all of that still matters very much to the people who are alive, which is what makes her self-conception as someone who is on the side of the angels now really... not sit well.

She clearly hasn’t changed all that much. She just thinks, as usual, that now that things are even, now that the score is settled, things can go back to the way they were before.

https://homestuck.com/story/5388

Tavros and Vriska are really bad for each other in general. Like, it’s not good for her to be around someone as pliable as Tavros is, and it’s plain to everybody that it’s not good for him to be around her either; whenever he’s around her, he apes her bogus inflated self-esteem in all the worst ways.

https://homestuck.com/story/5397

Tavros’ explanation of what Vriska does suggests that storytelling has become kind of a ritual for her - a means by which she is attempting to connect with her Ancestor, by performing the same actions she is, miming her - still the same old Vriska.

That’ll be all for now. Cam signing off for now - join me for the thrilling conclusion to Openbound tomorrow, Same Cam Time, Same Cam Channel.

[christie052780]

Katy, Lori, and Pamela smiled as they tried on the bikinis they'd bought for the vacation of a lifetime.

* * *

Mike, Dan, and Keith had met at a support group for divorced men who'd been fucked over by their ex-wives. It didn't take long for the three of them to realize that they all had in common the fact that they had daughters of the same age and that their wives had completely abandoned their daughters after the divorces were final.

Over the following years that led to play dates where the men and daughters would meet up for dinners, shopping, and the occasional vacation together.

Now the three girls were out of high school and getting ready to head off to college in the fall. Each of the three girls had selected different colleges so that meant the group activities were going to be a thing of the past.

Earlier that same year the three men had met up at a bar one Friday night to talk about the future and by the third drink Dan confessed to having a thing for Mike's daughter Katy. Mike confessed to having an interest in Keith's daughter Pamela, and then Keith completed the circle by admitting to a schoolboy crush on Dan's girl Lori. The three men laughed about the whole thing and each was happy that they'd managed to talk about the whole thing without having a fight.

The evening wore on and the men comiserated how they didn't want to be alone come the fall. None of them really wanted their charming, feminine girls to go off to college to become the vicious, nasty feminists that the colleges produced these days.

The fifth round of drinks landed on the table and as they lifted their glasses once again it was Dan who went first.

"Wouldn't it be great if we could all just swap daughters, marry them, and then keep them home instead of saying goodbye to them? That way we'd all stay close, right?"

The two other men stared at Dan slackjawed with the audacity of the idea.

For a moment Dan thought they were going to kick his ass.

Keith took a swig off his drink and put the glass down, hard enough to splash a little of it.

"Fucking hell, Dan. The only reason I'm pissed here is because I didn't think of it first!"

The three men were quiet for a moment but then erupted into laughter.

* * *

The next day phone calls took place and the three men met again, this time for coffee.

Sober, they now had to come to terms with the idea that had been presented and they needed to make sure that all three of them were on board with the idea.

Each had their reservations about handing their respective daughters off to another man but then they each also had the promise of a young thing in return.

Keith was the one who wondered about the downsides of the idea, "So what if they're not into it? And how do we get them to commit to the idea?"

Dan had long fantasized about Katy in a certain way so he spoke next, "What if we make this like a summer-long adventure so we can get them good and pregnant?"

Once again two of the men looked on in awe as Dan broached what had to be a horribly taboo idea.

Yet now it was Mike's turn for a thought, "Well, remember the fishing camp we rented in British Columbia? What if we rented it again but for the whole summer instead of just a few weeks?"

The other two men nodded their heads in agreement.

* * *

After that it was a matter of working out the details. They arranged for the camp to be stocked with plenty of food and drink for the three months they planned to be there and they also planned to each make sure that their respective daughters weren't on the pill or the shot...and none of them were.

They agreed that what they were doing might not be exactly legal. Yet they all agreed to proceed.

At this point there was no question that all three of them wanted to do this.

* * *

When the three men presented the vacation plans to the girls they each had their reservations about the idea simply because it was their last summer before college and they had typical summer plans that didn't necessarily include their fathers. The men pressed the idea saying that, indeed, it could be the last time all six of them would have a chance to be together and the girls eventually warmed to the idea. The bikinis were the clincher and when the three girls tried them on it was Keith who snapped a picture of them.

* * *

It was four months later when the six of them boarded the plane for Vancouver, then it was a long flight on a float plane that dropped them off right at the camp. They were now a good hundred miles from the next people and they'd be very, very alone for the next three months.

The next morning actually started quite early. The sunrise being around 3:30 AM that time of year. By the time the sleepyheads rolled out of bed the day was well along. Breakfast was followed by the men getting their fishing gear together and the girls getting their bikinis on for a day of sun and relaxation.

A routine was quickly adopted and over the next few days the men started spending less time with their own daughters and more time with their interest.

Mike was the first to make a move.

He'd managed to get Pamela to take a hike with him and along the way he gave her a kiss. The girl was clearly surprised but she wasn't put off by it.

Dan was the next and in his case it was an evening by the fire and he cuddled up to Katy to keep her warm. She cuddled right back.

Keith ended up getting to put mosquito repellent on Lori and the application turned into a massage. He stopped when Lori was obviously a little uncomfortable with the whole thing.

Naturally the three men had a chance to discuss their progress and when they did the big surprise was that none of their daughters had informed their respective fathers of what had happened.

* * *

It was in the second week of their stay when Mother Nature got involved.

Even though it was mid-June there was still one more snowstorm in the offing. The father-daughter pairs mostly kept to their cabins but one night they all came together for dinner and drinks at Dan's cabin. Keith had a pitcher of very strong appletinis for the girls and for the guys he was pouring watered-down Scotch.

When Lori started to fade from the strong drink and the long day Dan asked Keith to take Lori back to the cabin. Lori was too wasted to pay much attention to the fact that she was led out of her own cabin and walked away to Keith's cabin.

Mike took Pamela back to his own cabin and that left Dan to be alone with Katy.

* * *

Dan & Katy....

As soon as Mike and Pamela were out the door Dan shut off the lights.

"Okay, Katy...time for bed." In the dying firelight she looked up at him and took his hand.

"Um, shouldn't I be going back to my cabin?"

Dan pulled her to her feet and led her to the bedroom, "No, you're going to be staying here tonight."

The tall blonde was a little confused, "But where's Lori going to sleep?"

"She'll be fine, she's staying with Keith tonight."

For some reason that made sense to Katy. She didn't complain as Dan helped her get her clothes off but when she went to get her t-shirt to wear to bed she didn't find it. In the total darkness what her hand came across was a warm Dan.

She felt his lips on her own and then she felt his searching hands come up her waist to hold her pert little breasts. She moved back and pressed against the bed and then his hands came back down and pulled her panties to the floor.

As drunk as she was, she wasn't that drunk.

"Dan, this is a little much...I mean what about my father?"

She heard him in her ear as he nuzzled her neck, "Mike is right now doing the same thing with Pamela. We have an arrangement."

Katy had a moment of clarity, "You mean my dad..."

Dan cut her off, "Yeah, your dad is with Lori tonight."

He pushed the now-naked teenager onto the bed and climbed onto the bed with her.

After lusting for the girl for so long he was doing his best to be patient. He also wanted the moment to last.

Katy knew what he wanted and at least that much of her confusion was gone. After all, it wasn't like she was a virgin. Still, her ex-boyfriend had been so patient and so gentle. Dan was all over her and she struggled with him to try to get him to back off. With his prize now so close Dan was losing his patience.

He got up on his hands and knees and used one of his knees to pry apart Katy's knees. Then his other knee got between her long, silky legs.

"Dan, please..."

"Katy, I've loved you for so damned long."

It was the one thing her boyfriend had never said to her. She'd said it to that asshole so many times and not once did he say it back to her. Yet she gave him so much.

"You love me?", she said as she stopped struggling.

"I do...with all my heart."

Had the light been on Dan would have seen a tear fall from Katy's eye. Instead he felt her legs relax and then her hands went from trying to push him away to passively holding his waist.

He pressed his cock to her pussy and felt her legs spread to welcome him.

Even though she'd been struggling with Dan to fight him off Katy's body was preparing her for sex. The excitement of being with a man had gotten her aroused and when she heard him say the words she'd longed to hear it was easy to relax and let him have what he wanted.

In just a few strokes Dan was buried balls deep in the leggy blonde.

He calmed his ardor for a moment.

"I do love you. I meant what I said. Do you think you could love me, too?"

Katy was emotionally overcome. She was crying as she simply whispered, "Yes."

Dan then let his body take over from his brain.

His cock slipped back and forth in Katy's luxuriously snug pussy. He loved how she held onto him when he'd pull back and then she'd relax to let him push into her again. Clearly she had some experience and he didn't mind because right now he was the beneficiary of her skills.

For her part Katy was enjoying the mature cock that was plowing her insides. Dan was both thicker and longer than her former boyfriend. And the way he moved with her! It wasn't just about sex...Katy felt something deeper going on with Dan and as he made love to her she knew his claim of love was true.

She felt it coming. She'd never had sex feel this good before. Was it how he said he loved her? Was that it? Oh....and it started to build. Her breasts felt full as he fucked her. The sensation of his cock in her body...it was so...different.

Her eyes rolled back in her head and she arched her neck as the best orgasm of her life swept over her body. Her legs spread to let him get deeper and her hands pulled at his waist.

Dan knew she was in ecstasy and while he did his very best to prolong her joy he couldn't hold off any longer.

He plowed her deep and hard and as he was nearing his release that was when Katy realized what was different...there was no condom! She knew she should make him stop but, damn, it felt so good that she couldn't bear to try! She heard his breath catch in his throat and then he moaned as his cock started twitching inside her. Katy felt Dan's body tremble as his cock unloaded into her pussy and something about the whole experience was so perfect to her.

When he calmed down a bit and rested his weight on her she kissed him and he kissed her back. She loved how he stayed buried inside her instead of immediatly rolling off and running to the bathroom like her ex used to do.

* * *

Mike & Pamela...

Mike looked over his shoulder at his daughter Katy and a smiling Dan and had a momentary regret about what was certainly going to happen to his little girl. Pamela stumbled on the threshold and he turned his attention back to her.

His arm went around her waist and when she slipped again he found a t-shirt covered tit in his hand. She was soft and warm and suddenly he couldn't wait to see what she looked like without the t-shirt.

His own daughter slipped from his mind as he then led Pamela to his own cabin.

Upon entering the cabin he closed the door behind himself and then led Pamela to the bedroom. He flipped on the light.

Pamela looked around and was briefly confused, "Um, isn't this your cabin?" she asked Mike.

"It is. I thought it might be nice for us to get to know each other."

Pamela might have been more than a bit tipsy but she wasn't stupid.

"You're going to try to fuck me, aren't you?"

Mike just smiled for a moment as the truth dawned on her.

"You three assholes are trying to fuck the three of us, isn't that what's gong on?"

He nodded and said, "Yep, that was the plan."

"My father is fucking Lori, isn't he? I knew he had a thing for her."

Mike just smiled his best Cheshire cat smile in response.

Pamela shook her head, "Then you left Katy with Dan?"

"I did."

Pamela thought about it and pulled off her t-shirt to reveal her perfect cones and the daintiest of gumdrop nipples, "Then fuck them all, if they're getting laid then so am I! And you better have a condom 'cause I didn't bring any."

"Of course." Mike replied, not caring about the lie. He flicked the switch on the wall and sent the room into darkness. Then he quickly stripped before trying to find Pamela. He bumped into her as she was pulling her panties to the floor and his hard cock brushed over the warm skin of her bare ass.

He pulled her close as she stood up and wrapped his arms around her. Her hands went to his head as he kissed her from behind. They pushed and thrust at each other and he was simply amazed at how eager she was for him. He envied her previous boyfriends and he knew there had been at least three of them over the years.

He guided her to the tall bed and helped her get up on it.

She shrieked with suprise and laughter as he grabbed her ankles and pulled her back. Now she was face down on the comforter and she felt Mike get himself between her legs.

"Ohhhh." was all she could say as Mike found her wetness and pushed himself into her. She tried to move but he put a hand on the small of her back to hold her down as he fucked her.

"God, this is so crazy!" she said.

It felt good.

Pamela thought about her father fucking her best friend and thought that he deserved having his own daughter fucked by one of his own best friends. She was enjoying the fuck and she was enjoying her act of defiance.

Mike bottomed out in her making her give out a little, "Ooomph!"

The sensation made a thought register with her and she tensed up, "Hey, you put on a condom, right?"

Mike didn't break his rhythm as he replied, "Of course not, I don't have any."

Pamela sobered up as much as she could, "What the fuck? You gotta stop...I'm not protected!"

"Okay, just a little bit more and I'll stop..."

He felt her legs start to flex and move and then he could feel the girl trying to pull herself away from him. His hands went to her waist and pulled her back against his crotch as he decided that it was time to seal the deal.

Pamela had forgotten all about her defiance and instead was now focused on trying to get herself away from the cock that was busy pounding away in what she knew was her ripe, fertile pussy.

"Mike...please..."

With a growl he fucked her harder and then slammed home as his cock erupted into her belly.

Pamela had tried to avoid it but once it started she felt her body just freeze as she lay there taking her very first load of baby batter.

* * *

Keith and Lori...

Keith had managed to get Lori down the path to his cabin when the dark haired beauty went limp in his arms.

He picked her up and carried her to his cabin, awkwardly opening and closing the door while holding the lithe girl in his arms. He managed to flick on a small night light and then safely carried the girl to the bedroom, softly setting her down on the big fluffy bed.

She was dressed for the night with her soft flannel pajamas and he found her to be so wonderfully cute! His hands ran over her bare ankles as his cock started to swell with anticipation.

"Lori?" he whispered.

"Wharrrrr?" she barely responded.

"Can you sit up a moment?"

A sound of exasperation came out of her as she tried to sit up. He grabbed her top and pulled it over her head and then the girl flopped back on the bed and slipped back into her alcohol-fueled stupor.

Keith stared at her for a moment and then looked out his window to see the lights go out in Dan's cabin. He thought about how Mike was going to fuck Pamela and then his mind wandered to Dan claiming the cute Katy.

And here was Lori topless on his bed. Waiting for him. He let his hand drift to her breast and then he leaned down to suckle on the girl and he was pleased when her nipple hardened for him.

That made up his mind and he went to her waist and gently worked her pajama bottoms and panties off in one smooth move.

In the dim light he beheld her lovely trim form and then he reached out to touch her belly.

"Gawww, fuck...." she croaked and then rolled over onto her side. Now she was on her side with one leg straight out and the other to one side. Keith thought for a moment that the girl resembled a number 4.

Lori's manuver had inadvertently exposed her pussy to Keith's hungering eyes.

At the risk of waking her again he tentatively brushed a finger lightly along the length of her pussy. The girl didn't respond. Her pussy wasn't that of a more experienced woman and the thought that he might be the first to claim her thrilled him.

He gently pushed a single finger into her delicate flower and found it snug and warm. A deeper probing also found it to be moistening and soon he was giving her a gentle finger fuck. A second finger joined the first and the girl mewled a bit with what he knew was a sensation of stretching.

Keith was now certain that he would be Lori's first lover.

He got onto the bed behind her and straddled her outstretched leg. Then he scooted himself closer to her prize and was thrilled as his cock brushed along the impossibly soft skin of her inner thigh.

His cock bumped and rubbed along Lori's tight slit and then he pushed her free leg up a little further. Her pussy opened up just enough that his cock poked into her just enough.

Keith gently pressed himself against Lori's virgin pussy and briefly had a pang of conscience as he was about to claim the slumbering girl.

Then he thought of his own daughter Pamela getting fucked raw by Mike and he pushed.

Lori was only dimly aware of an unfamiliar sensation of pressure as Keith's cock pried and pushed its way into her pussy. She moved back at it to try to dislodge it only to feel it push deeper into her body. It was almost uncomfortable but then she pushed back again and paradoxically it drove deeper and easier.

Keith was pleasantly surprised when Lori pushed back at him a few times. Then she pushed and arched her back at the same time and his cock found the well of her moisture. It was a feeling of relief as her body opened up to him to allow his cock to fully slip inside. He sighed with the sensation of pussy wrapped around his cock...it had been so long since the last time...since before the divorce from Pamela's mother.

Lori seemingly returned to her slumber and Keith started a gentle, slow fuck of the girl. Everything seemed hazy to her but she was aware enough to know that there was someone else on the bed with her and that the pressure she felt inside her belly was connected to it. She felt warm and secure and there was something else she felt and she knew she liked it.

Keith absolutely savored fucking the girl. Each slow stroke he pushed all the way into her until his cock could go no further and then he very slowly withdrew only to do it all over again.

He wanted to bury himself to the root but their position didn't make that possible. He pushed on her leg and the flexible girl responded by bringing it almost to her chest.

Now he was able to full embed himself in her and he did. His balls were caressed by her soft thigh beneath them and the slight sound of their bodies together reached his ear.

It had simply been too long for him and with little chance to hold it off he felt it coming. The sensation deep in his groin rapidly grew and then he stabbed himself deep into the girl causing her to gasp. He held onto her as his cock spewed rope after rope of his pent-up seed deep into the girl's pussy. His gentleness was overcome by need and he fucked her hard in an instinctive need to seed the girl as much as he could and he was rewarded with a second flurry of excruciatingly wonderful spasms.

When he started to ram the girl as fast as he could she stirred from her slumber just enough to know she was feeling satisfied in a way she'd never felt before.

Lori smiled to herself and fell into a deep sleep.

* * *

The sunrise comes early in northern British Columbia in June and so did three very horny men.

* * *

Mike was the first to wake up and as soon as he saw his naked bedmate he was instantly hard. Pamela was laying on her back with her arms over her head so for Mike it was a simple matter of holding her wrists with one hand and then rolling himself on top of her. She woke up confused as he did this and before she could gather her wits he slipped into her semen-slickened pussy and started fucking her. She was going to complain about the condom thing again but instead decided that it was nice to fuck bare and that she'd just sort it out later. Despite her acceptance of the situation she was still rather scared and awed when the older man's cock seeded her for a second time.

* * *

Lori woke up to Keith spooned up to her. It felt nice. He was warm and his arms were wrapped around her. But she became aware of his body moving behind her and then the full sensation inside her pussy came to her...and a rising pleasure, too. She realized that she was finally having sex! She knew there was something to worry about but her body was right then overriding her wisdom. The pleasure rose in her belly and she grabbed Keith's arm and held on as she felt her very first cock-induced orgasm. She was breathlessly recovering her senses when Keith held her tight and drove his cock deep into her pussy as he blew.

* * *

Katy woke before Dan did and she just lay in the bed looking around for a while as she contemplated the situation. Looking at Dan she saw her friend's father on his back and soundly slumbering. He didn't notice when she pulled down the blankets to get a look at him. Her soft hand grasped his limp cock and she applied her experience as she played with it and encouraged it to grow. Looking at the tip she imagined it buried in her pussy and belching cum and the vision got her thinking. The whole picture was so wrong and somehow that made it even sexier.

Dan woke to Katy moving to straddle him. His hands went to her waist and she smiled as she guided his cock into her pussy. Then she settled down and rested her weight on him with his cock deeply embedded in her. The two of them started to move together with Katy grinding herself into Dan every now and again. It wasn't long before she came and as she did she felt Dan filling her up with his morning seed.

* * *

When the three couples met for breakfast they were pretty quiet.

Pamela broke the strained silence by simply stating the obvious, "Everyone at this table fucked someone else last night. I know it, you know it, let's just say it and move on 'cause this quiet thing isn't going to work for me."

After that the honesty flowed.

The girls expressed their concerns especially about the possibility of getting pregnant. The men spoke their peace for the most part and then let the girls vent some more.

Later in the day the three girls gathered their things from their respective father's cabins and then moved in with their respective lovers.

When the night finally arrived the three couples went their separate ways to start another very busy night.

* * *

When September arrived it was obvious to everyone that it had been a very fertile summer.

　

　

　

[chloepamp1998]

Sunday 7th June 2020

Poor body image can have a greater impact on your quality of life than you may realise. A few negative thoughts here and there can soon escalate, resulting in social withdrawal, anxiety and depression. Retrain yourself to love your body with our 8 steps to better body confidence.

Negative body image isn’t a subject that should be taken lightly. It’s effects can take a significant toll on the body, both physically and emotionally. Sufferers often become so consumed by the idea of the ‘perfect body’ that they forget what’s healthy and set unrealistic goals for themselves, leading to further emotional distress and disappointment. Women are the most guilty of not accepting and appreciating their body type. According to the charity DoSomething.org, “approximately 91% of women are unhappy with their bodies” and from those surveyed, “more than 40% of women and around 20% of men agreed they would consider cosmetic surgery in the future.”

1)Fake It Till You Make It

You may have met individuals who aren’t conventionally good looking, yet still have heads turning as they enter a room. That’s because body confidence is attractive, and if you love the way you look, so will everybody else.

After years of self deprecation, ditching your negative mindset can seem impossible. So start by faking it. When you catch yourself in the mirror don’t pick up on every single flaw. Instead tell yourself that you’re beautiful. Carrying yourself with confidence will eventually become second nature to you and you’ll feel much better about yourself.

2) You’re Your Best Friend

When your inner voice starts to bad mouth the way you look, stop and ask yourself - would you speak to your best friend like that? Or how would you feel if you heard someone else talking to them like that? Sometimes we don’t give ourselves the respect we deserve. Whenever you’re tempted to call yourself derogatory names, hit the pause button and switch it to something complimentary. You deserve better.

3)Trade Negative For Positive

Not just your thoughts, everything. If certain friends or family members only have negative things to say or make comments that hurt your feelings, steer clear. Surround yourself with people who support you and only want the best for you. People who project negativity and nastiness are massively insecure and say mean things to make themselves feel better. Find new friends who are fun to be around and don’t put you down. Getting out there and socialising can be a huge confidence boost.

4)Sign Out Of Social Media

Scrolling through Facebook can be an unhealthy distraction if you’re suffering from poor body confidence. Social media isn’t a reality, it’s just all the bits your friends want you to see. So don’t get swept up in the ‘great things they’re getting up to’ or ‘how amazing they look.’ Concentrate on yourself. They have down days too, we’re sure of it.

Try to find a hobby/positive outlet that stops you from overthinking.Take up reading and spend some time away from the screen. Maddy Malhotra’s ‘How to Build Self-Esteem and Be Confident’ is a good choice if you’re struggling to banish your inner critic.

5)Find A Workout You Love

Science agrees that exercise is a certified mood booster. Once the endorphins kick-in (the happy hormones) there’s no room for low self esteem. The tricky part is staying motivated. If the gym doesn’t keep you engaged, branch out and find a workout that really appeals to you. This way, you’re exercising purely for the love of the doing the sport and not to attain a specific weight or look.

Don’t confine yourself to the treadmill, get creative. Join a local football team, give hula hooping classes your best shot. Always fancied roller derby? There’s no time like the present.

6)Express Yourself

When you’ve low self esteem, it’s easy to fall into the habit of wearing things that hide your body. Whilst it’s wise to dress for your shape, you shouldn’t shy away from wearing clothes that you like and make you feel good. Revamp your wardrobe with clothes that you feel both comfortable and stylish in. You’re your own worst enemy at times and sometimes life’s little luxuries can be just the pick-me-up you need to feel amazing. Go for a massage, try out that new hairstyle. Never underestimate the power of a good pampering session.

7)Be Grateful

Getting hung up on the way you look is a waste of precious time and energy, and sometimes, it takes something pretty drastic to put things into perspective. Rather focusing on the bad, make a list of what you’re thankful for - those closest to you, your career, your home, your health. Others dream of having what you’ve got.

Take the time to be mindful and appreciative of all the lovely things in your life right this moment, and how you can nourish them even further in the future.

8) Seek Professional Help

Wanting to lose weight isn’t a bad thing if it’s a healthy decision. But when you’re need for perfection becomes obsessive and no amount of positive thinking can eradicate those bad feelings, it’s time to seek medical advice. Sometimes, other underlying issues are the root of the problem and only once they’re dealt with can you successfully take the steps you need to be body confident. Talk to someone.

Down below I have left a link for you to check out, perhaps together we can make a difference and help.

[fishmech]

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.x.Playlist.x. Smile--AFI Jack of all Trades--Hot Water Music Unstoppable--Death by Stereo The Power of Moonlite--Tiger Army True Romance--Tiger Army Who Killed the Cheerleader--Nekromantix A Single Second--AFI Darkangel--VNVNATION Dirty Magic--The Offspring Anabelle Lee--Tiger Army The Man Who Sold the World--David Bowie Can I Say?--Dag Nasty .x.CD Player.x. Art of Drowning--AFI Sing the Sorrow--AFI Shut your mouth and open your eyes--AFI Moonlite--Tiger Army Can I say?--Dag Nasty Empires--VNVNATION War of all Time--Thursday .x.Stalker.x.

DancingInUrDust

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lizzy@dancing-in-your-dust.net

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.x.At the Moment.x. Date:October 1, 2003 Mood: Tired Eating: Nothing Drinking: nothin Watching: nothin Hearing: Transplants Wearing: Night of the living dead Shirt and duck pj's Thinking: AFI IS ONLY 28 DAYS AWAY!!!!!!! Talking to:  nobody Drooling over: Davey Havok Wanting: The 30th to get here! Surfing: Nothing .x.Tagboard.x.                                      Name:               URL:              Message:                      

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I believe in ¤

Aliens, Ghosts, and Magic

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AFI is my obsession

Morningstar by AFI is MINE

My Song::Morningstar

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October 6, 2003

Hello all..thought I'd write in here since I have pretty much nothing else to do. I've been up to pretty much nothing. Sadey and I went to the mall and bought our AFI limited edition Art & Artisha dolls..which cost an arm and a leg. We also talked to kevin..just him tho cuz Bobby-o wasn't there today. It was hilarious because when we were leaving I go to hug kevin and I accidentally hit his nose...he's all like "oh great she's trying to beat me up too!" good times man, good times. Anyway in other good news, Sadey's mom is thinking about opening a store sorta like Hot Topic @ the mall..and it's gonna be hella rad cuz well, I can work there =D We'd carry much more cooler things than Hot Topic..I mean I like that store at times but, they never really carry anything that cool now. Speaking of HT im gonna start working there prolly in mid november. Im putting my 2 weeks @ Target in tommorow. Anyhoo while I was at HT I saw this rad velvet black dress with like flared sleeves and I want it for the show in Universal but I checked the price and its like 90 bucks so I was like hell no..so Im gonna have my mom make one for me and im adding shit on it like red laced trim...its gonna be so super awesome =D Im trying to think of what else that has happened..Oh I was sick this weekened and I called in for work and Nickey (the LOD) got all pissed and told me im not taking my job seriously anymore and all this other BS and she hung up on me...so she basically called me a liar....and im telling you, I was really sick! So I woke up the next morning and it was already like 11:00am and my shift was supposed to start at 9 and I was like shit...they're gonna fire me. So I called Nickey and she apologized for hanging up on me and that she doesnt wanna lose me as an employee and that she values me and shit..I was just like yea, well you're in for a rude awakening cuz im quitting haha..no I didn't say that but I was thinking it..so she told me to just take the day off. I was like cool ok. So I guess thats all that really happened...I went to this wedding party thing on Saturday night w/ sadey a whole bunch of Italians from brooklyn...awesome as hell im in love with their accents..lol. There was this annoying kid there that was trying to impress Sadey and I by acting all drunk and telling us how much he had to drink when in all reality he wasn't really drunk he was just pretending because all his mom would let him have was one drink..little does he know we're sXe..haha loser. Alright anyhoo I guess thats all for site news.. my wonderful katie (rapturous voice davey fansite) is leaving me ::cries:: she bought a domain,

davey-havok.net

Ill miss you much Katie =D Go visit her now BTW. But the good news is that I got a new hostee,

Barbara

. She's gonna open the fanlisting for AFI's

Morningstar

which I am very happy about..it's about damn time someone decides to make a fanlisting for that song cuz it is such a beautiful song =D Alright so..enough of my rambling im out, later =D --Lizzy--[Deadjournal] | [Plug]

(8) are dancing in the dust

October 1, 2003

[EDIT]

Ok Im taking my blog down because it was wayyy too long and for some reason my ftp is not letting me write anything else on to my notepad sorry kids..if ya wanna know what happened just drop me a line on AIM @ dancinginurdust or email me at lizzy@dancing-in-your-dust.net and ill be sure to tell you everything...you can still click the pics and look at those if you like =D

[/EDIT] Happy October..new layout in spirit of Halloween..ill have loads more halloween ones than this..being as this is my fave holiday =D

1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11,12,13,14,15,16,17, 18,21,  22,  23,  24,  25 click here for autographs =D --Lizzy--[

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(7) are dancing in the dust

[giuliaratti]

SOME EXCERPTS FROM 
 Sensual Culture: The Socio-Sensual Practices of Clubbing. Philip Gordon Jackson University College London In Fulfilment of
PhD in Social Anthropology Submitted in June 2001 


_core crowd

people become core crowd members by simply becoming regulars and partying hard, so that they get noticed and invited to other nights; they make an effort to add to the party by participating in it to a high degree; they will dress up, dance hard, socialize and play a role in "kneading" the party out of the more reserved clubbers.

over the course of the night, we don't spend a lot of time with each other, because we're circulating and chatting and dancing and trying to get other people to let their hair down and join in, that's the most important job of the core crowd.

The core crowd are the people who produce a party more than they consume it darkness holds an unknown quality about it that is a combination of both promise and threat. It is a time of invisibility or transformation where, shielded from the clarity of Foucault's gaze, people can become slippery in terms of the activities they seek out and the personas they present to the world. Night in the city is time out [...] For people who hold down boring or unsatisfactory jobs, night is the time when they feel they lead their real lives.

"Night is the final frontier because it's the only space and time, in the current system, that can be given over to things that won't necessarily make money. During the day you have to do things that will allow you to survive financially. Whereas the night you don't." (Male 28; 11 years experience.)

anonimity

darkness "covers", "penetrates" and "touches"

"It's hard to dance when a club's too light, you feel too vulnerable; it's like dancing during the daytime I find that a bit odd too, though once I've got going I don't mind as much, but there's something about really dark rooms that makes it easier to dance and go a bit wilder; it feels more natural." (Female 29; 7 years experience.)

Dancing in the dark is easier than dancing in broad daylight where the movements of the dancer are revealed to the world and open to scrutiny. You often see people closing their eyes, when they dance, enveloping themselves in their own darkness and allowing themselves to experience their own body in motion more intensely by cutting out the distraction of the crowd.

Out on the dancefloor, shrouded in this cimmerian world, the tyranny of vision is abandoned in favor of the delights of invisibility and the physical closeness of bodies getting serpentine on the beat. What you can't see you can't judge and can't be judged by.


Shrouded by the darkness bodies became liquid, emotions rose to the surface, faces were hyper-expressive revealing joy, confusion, contemplation and sheer unadulterated bliss.

Some of these crowds may have difficult lives outside of the club space, others don't, but regardless of where they have come from the experience of clubbing itself adds something they value to their lives. I believe this sense of value arises from this point of sensual tension; it is an emotional and experiential value, rather than an ideological position; clubbing is about creating worlds that feel right.

"I get to be sexy; it seems silly but I really enjoy it, when I'm in a club dancing my whole body feels hot and horny and alive. I can dress up in a way that I could never do on the street or in pubs, because I think in clubs people will accept that you're doing it for yourself; they can watch you and enjoy you, but that's as far as it goes; it's playful rather than serious; It feels safe much safer than other places where it might cause hassle; I feel more in charge of the situation, less threatened by people watching me. You know that some guy might be getting turned on by the way you dance, but m a club that feels less dangerous because you expect the men to not behave like arseholes. If they're just smiling at you and watching you and enjoying or dancing along with you then they understand that It doesn’t necessarily mean you want to fuck them; it's just part of the might, part of the fun of clubbing." (Female 41; 19 years experience.)


"I was dancing on my own and this group of women were on the floor with me; it was pretty empty, but they kept crowding in on me like there was no room and giving me horrible nasty looks and whispering to each other, then staring at me. It wasn't very nice; they seemed to resent me dancing on my own, like they were threatened by it or something. It hasn't happened very often at all, but when it does you just think, 'Oh you sad bastards just leave me alone and enjoy yourself, that's what we're all here for.' " (Female 42; 5 years experience.)

_The Dynamics of Dance

Stage 1 is the pre-dance stage, where punters begin to embody the practice of clubbing. They congregate at the peripheries of the space, around bars, at the edge of the dancefloor. Standing with their mates, scanning the crowd to see who's there, they drink, giggle, watch. Some are waiting for their drugs to "come on" and at this stage the crowd is still anxious about the night.

Club crowds must be hospitable and welcoming and this is again communicated physically: it is a bodily attitude that is relaxed, passionate and, most importantly, friendly.

Stage 2 is the point where a dancefloor tentatively begins. DJ drops a club favourite or a confident party posse arrives in force. people surreptitiously start to dance at the periphery, move into the visible space and then retire back to the edge.

This is a period where people feel particularly self conscious, by beginning to dance they must move from the safety and anonymity of the crowd, to the visibility of the floor. People at the edges often start dancing, while chatting with friends or facing away from the floor itself, as they attempt to conceal themselves and their movements by pretending that they're not actually dancing, more just moving about while talking.

Stage 3 is a warm-up periodThe temperature rises, muscles warm up, bodies start to relax

You become hyper-aware of your own self within the crowd. The joy of dancing in a club is that there is no wrong way to dance, as long as you're getting otT on it, lapping it up, lovin' it, then you can dance. The only bad dancer is a miserable one.

Stage 4 is the point where the dancefloor reaches a critical mass of bodies; it is the hottest and most intense stage in terms of being amongst others. Full dancefloors can become static, they reduce the range of potential movement, this is the hands in the air stage when you have to focus your movement vertically, rather than horizontally, to avoid collisions. As one informant explained:

"Dancing on a really packed floor, that's really going for it, can feel like leaping into a bucket full of eels; it's great, hot, bodies everywhere, all just squirming and getting sweaty; it's great." (Male)

The sweat which pours from your skin seems to cleanse you, draining out the toxic residue of frustrated plans, niggling worries, stupid arguments and petty insecurities. Nothing matters but the beat, the crowd, the dance.

Glorious. Some clubbers themselves see this experience in terms of escapism, but to the outside eye, it seems so social and physically creative, that it forces you to re-think the meaning of the term escapism itself.

The crowd has worked together to create this moment. They have put time, energy and hard cash into the night, but most importantly they have generated a sense of social camaraderie, within the club, that underpins their ability to cut loose and feel good amongst the people who surround them. The dance is one way in which that sensation manifests itself, in both individuals and groups, by allowing them to possess a different physicality in the world, one that is strong and fervent, relaxed yet powerful, one that has shed, even if only for a night, the physicality of the drudge.

"I was trained as a dancer; I worked as a dancer; I have always danced; I've always enjoyed dancing, but I never really felt like a dancer until I started taking drugs and dancing in clubs. That taught me more about dancing than any other experience of dancing ever has." (Female 41; 19 years experience)

The easiest way to describe it is that it feels like vertical fucking, but this fuck has a sense of humour, it is playful and intense simultaneously.

"I haven't had sex for almost two years and dancing allows me to enter a wonderful sensual place; it's almost as good as sex in terms of making your body feel fabulous" (Female 42; 5 years experience.)

The aches and pains of the week begin to evaporate through movement.

grey flees the building to be replaced by vivid reds, burning oranges, iridescent blues and a slither of topaz. You ain't in Kansas no more. You're on a dancefloor and it is fearsome fine.

You can literally feel these changes deep in the flesh, your posture becomes liquid, you can sense the energy pumping through your veins, as this sensorial realm begins to dominate consciousness. Your kinaesthetic sense is firing on all fronts, all that matters is the dance. The sensual residue of the week, your weaknesses, anxieties and strengths are channelled into the dance and so transmuted into movement, energy and heat. They are not simply forgotten, their form is altered, their shadows are expunged from the flesh. Those knots of tension, that are the physical manifestation of problems at work, the heaviness of depression, the stooped form of anxiety, are all cast-off and replaced with a body in lithe, supple motion.

At times this can feel transcendent; it is a physicality that takes you so far beyond the everyday experience of your own social body, that it felt as a sublime manifestation of self in world.

'I've never felt like that, because I've never moved like that'

the experience of dancing becomes a form of sensual knowledge in itself; it teaches you about your own body, how you can make that body feel and how you can intensify those feelings.

you don't have to look good, when you dance, it is enough to simply dance and express your passion for dancing and this freedom is one of the most important qualities of the club space.

once my body started to loosen up then I could look at people, catch their eyes and smile and feed off their energy, because I had space my dancing could get pretty wild.

“[…] It's not showing off; it's trying to provoke and tempt people to go further. It's not about performance; I don't want people to look at me; I want them to interact with me; to be with me; not stare at me. The display thing is all very silly really; it's a game”

dancing in a crowded room is very different from dancing alone, because you're immersed within and energized by the sociality of the space.

safe social space

What they actually communicate, when they're wrapped within the full force of the dance, is the feeling of being exquisitely and sensually ALIVE, more alive than they feel in many other areas of their lives. That sense of aliveness arises from a repossessing and re- sensualizing your own body through the practice of dancing.

Dressing up is a sensual practice […] it is fun in itself and people enjoy playing with the way they look.

[serenagaywaterford]

1) Hey, it's me again. The idiot rambling anon. I wasn't gonna spam you again, but then I read your responses. At this point, I'm convinced you're my alter ego, lol. My thoughts are all over the place, but I'll try to organize them. So, about Nick. I've purposely avoided talking about him so far, but why the hell not? Let me make one thing clear: I'm NOT of of those thirsty fangirls. But even if I was? I wouldn't get offended or butthurt, because another person likes different fictional

2) characters (of all things) than me. I mean, big fucking deal. Each to their own, no need for apologies. ;) (My tone is a little aggressive, I know, but I’m sick and tired of some people on social media –in and out of fandoms– acting holier-than-thou and sending hate messages and even actual death threats (!) to creators or people that express unpopular opinions*. It’s reached a point where many people feel the need to put disclaimers in their posts so as not to be attacked.)

3) Back to Nick. I liked him just fine back in early S1, when he was all mysterious and his background story was unknown to us. When we did learn about it and the fandom started acting like he’s that pure, handsome angel uwu? Nah. Obviously, he’s no Fred/Serena/Lydia,but he’s not a “cinnamon roll” either. (Imo, the only decent dude on that show is Luke.) I mean, if Nick was SO altruistic, he wouldn’t have joined this job. Or even after everything went down, he could have tried to help other

4) handmaids without expecting anything in return. But no, he only helps June and that’s because he’s in love with her. I’m not blaming him for trying to survive under such circumstances, but I won’t idolize him either. Now, in s2? I’m kinda neutral about him. I don’t hate him, but I can’t say that I’m a fan either. Not gonna lie, he bores me at times, because he’s just… there. No sparks, no fireworks. Not sure if it’s the writing that doesn’t do the actor any favors, but his acting hasn’t

5) really drawn me in yet. A counterexample to this? Aunt Lydia. Her personality is despicable 98% of the time and yet. Dowd’s captivating performance makes me want to know so much more about her character.) On the other hand, I’m glad that June has someone (besides Rita) to back her up in that hellhole. She needs comfort and allies. But the whole ‘tRu Love 5eva" fanon thing? No, thanks. Not only it doesn’t fit the tone of the series, but I also believe that sharing an intense, forbidden love/

6) during such a shitstorm is not the same thing as keeping it alive after all is said and done (post-Gilead). Maybe they’ll stay together (as long as Nick doesn’t die), maybe they’ll fall apart. I can’t really see June romantically reconnecting with Luke either. After everything she’s been through… She’s a completely different person now. Unfortunately, the same things goes for Emily and her wife. Even though I’d love to see her interact with both her wife and her child in S3.

———

My inbox is so beautiful right now! Never, ever call yourself an idiot, my friend. (If you are, then so am I!) Brain twins, you see.

(Also sorry about this being out of order lol.)

I was trying not to talk about him too cos generally I just … I prefer not to think about him much. The fangirls, just, *sigh*. I try to avoid as much as possible in this fandom, esp on tumblr. Just hang out in my quiet little, not-Serena-hating corner. I always feel a need to put disclaimers these days cos as much as I don’t really care about random hate, I’d prefer not to have to deal with dogpiles or to look at it lmao. Like people can go around just hating on any character here–especially if they’re women–but say one critical (not even hateful) thing about their male fav and things just go off. 

I’m more than aware the majority of people don’t like Serena and think she’s the worst thing ever. And fair play! (I get it… cos I’m not delusional. She’s awful.) Each to their own. I don’t go around bitching at people who say shitty things or stuff I don’t agree with, or blocking anybody who doesn’t like her. (There are a few posts I do engage with cos normally they seem like they want to go deeper in The Discourse but most Serena/Lydia/Eden/Janine/June-hate I just ignore.)

ITA. S1 was, like, okay. That’s Nick. What’s he up to? What’s his deal? (I don’t really care but I’m not opposed to him either. Just like I didn’t care about Luke’s backstory/escape.) He’s trying to be good to June and she needs that.When we did learn his backstory I was not pleased cos he seemed like a twerp but whatevs. Grey characters are grey. It wasn’t until S2 that I started to get irked by him (and the hypocrisy of his fans but that’s a whole other issue). 

I can’t agree ANY more with your assessment of Nick. Like that’s EXACTLY what I’ve been saying! Firstly, he was RIGHT THERE when the Handmaid/Ceremony thing was first suggested and was like “Oh, yeah, great idea!” to Fred. I get that perhaps he was pressured to go along to keep his job but that’s a stretch imo, and if you can give him that sort of leeway, why can’t characters like Eden, Serena, Lydia and June get the same benefit of the doubt for certain things? Why is Nick’s pressure to keep his job more important and forgivable than anybody else’s pressures? It’s like that entire scene doesn’t exist to fangirls and Nick is so precious and in love and wonderful. Then there’s the rape of June. Like I know it’s pretty controversial to look at it that way, but that first time, with Serena overseeing it like a fucking creepy pimp (YUUUUUUCCCKKKKK I HATE IT THANKS) was rape. June barely knew the guy and I’m pretty sure if she wanted to have sex with him it wouldn’t be like that! And sure, after that, it was totally consensual but that first time was not. And I’ve heard the justification and excuses of “Well, Nick didn’t have a choice either!” which I call bullshit on, cos Nick is not some powerless delivery boy. 

He’s a fucking Guardian who is tight with the top Commanders. He’s a man, if nothing else. Serena can act all high and mighty but she’s still a woman in a highly misogynistic society. I’m not convinced Fred would take his wife’s word over Nick’s tbh, especially if it was like “Dude, your crazy wife asked me to fuck the Handmaid you’re obsessed with”. If he really didn’t want to do it that badly, he could have taken that chance to report Serena. Even if Fred wanted to keep it hush hush away from other Commanders, he would have gone after Serena. Men are far more likely to turn on women than each other, esp in THT. But that’s just my take. Maybe I am missing something about Nick’s status. To me, it was like double rape. Neither of them wanted to do it, like that anyway. But Nick also did fuck all to stop it when IMO he did have some power to do something. He is not a helpless victim in that society, imo. Again, probably not a well-received opinion. 

Don’t even get me started on his “Poor me!” routine in S2 when June tells him to have sex with Eden. I’m glad she called him on that bullshit. (But again, over the fangirls heads. Enough about them!)

Basically, everything Nick has done wrong isn’t his choice; he’s just a victim. In a story about women, Nick’s victimhood at the hands of these nasty women and men is the real issue. Blah. Whatever.

I just find Nick lacks total self-awareness about being part of the shitty ass system. He kind of just floats around thinking nothing is his fault and he’s blameless for it all, and he certainly can’t seem to see it from anyone’s perspective except his own. He’s upset about Fred & June’s Jezebel trips, not for her own safety or well-being but mainly he’s jealous. Of course he’s concerned about her safety but I believe it takes a backseat to his jealousy. He just seems to never take any responsibility for anything.

And BINGO about the previous Handmaid. Nothing we’ve been shown has given any hint he cares about any other woman’s plight in Gilead other than June, and only cares about her cos he had a crush/fucked her/is in wuv wiv her. Basically, she’s HIS so suddenly he cares about her. Look how fast he dumped that Martha as soon as he got brooding about June. He’s done fuckall for anybody except himself and that alone makes me dislike him. He’s no better than Fred in that way for me. But where Fred can occasionally be an interesting villain, cos Fiennes is nasty good, I find the actor who plays Nick just… not engaging. And he’s not SUPPOSED to be a villain! He’s meant to be a good guy! It’s crazy. He’s not compelling, he’s not interesting. He’s bland. He’s not even good looking, lol. I was watching with a friend once and mention I thought Fred was way better looking than Nick and she just stared at me and said, “You shouldn’t say that. But me too.” So, count me in the camp that just does not get the appeal of the character OR the actor.

I don’t hate Nick generally. I am just totally indifferent to his existence. If he left the show tomorrow, I’d shrug and probably be a little glad I don’t have to see that bland moping anymore. If he stays, oh well. Shrug. And I just don’t want his and June’s star-crossed romance shoved down my throat. It’s so… I dunno. I’m not opposed to June finding solace and hope but making it some beautiful forbidden romance, I’m not buying it. Like you said, it’s all well and good in Gilead–but it doesn’t strike me as something that can be sustainable outside it. To borrow from you last time: It’s the Handmaid’s Tale, not The Guardian + the Handmaid’s Tale.

Okay, enough about that pipsqueak. I don’t even like talking about him, tbh. He’s not worth it when there’s so much else going on.

ITA about Luke/June too. I feel like the level of disconnection and trauma that they’ve sustained, especially June, they can try to reconnect but it’s pretty difficult and I think especially with June having a sexual/romantic relationship with Nick pulls that really tight. It’s just two different planets they live on now. I don’t doubt that she still loves Luke, but actually reforming the relationship they previously had seems like an impossible task considering everything both of them have been through. It’s sad, but … sadly true for many people. Relationships can fall apart for far less.

And on the same page about Emily/Sylvia too. She is just soooooo fucking broken, and hopeless, that if they have them just rekindle with no issues, it’ll be bad writing. (I dunno if you see spoilers but there’s one about them.) She needs therapy so much more than a cutesy feelgood storyline.

Back to Lydia: Exactly! There’s a character we know very little about and who is a horrible person, yet the performance by Dowd makes almost everyone go, “TELL ME MORE!” With Nick, it’s the opposite for me. I’m just like, “Please, less of this.”

[despitethetrauma]

So it's October 23rd and I'm feeling pretty okay I think, but each time I'm asked the question I pause and think just for a second that maybe it's a false pretence. I knew October would suck but I've rammed my social schedule so I don't have time to break down or the thoughts to escalate to unmanageable hypotheticals.

The start of the month was spent recovering from Disneyland. The holiday of a lifetime and whilst most of the time I can joke about completing my bucket list, it really did feel that way. I didn't know what I would be aiming for once the days got shorter and Christmas started looming.

However the start of this month wasn't about me, it started with a funeral and although it wasn't an immediate loss, it still hit me hard. I'd never been to funeral before. Its unbearable to try and get my head around the thought of someone just no longer being there. I guess with an intense fear of abandonment comes the intense fear of death of those important to you, those who don't abandon you by choice. I'm not sure what's worse.

I was thankful the spotlight fell upon my girlfriend as she made the big life transition of moving into her first home from her parents house. I was proud of her. It was a big change for us both but I was of us both for trying to keep a good line of communication, mostly. It seemed to falter once doubts were added into my head, however I think time is proving that things are okay. The change doesn't mean any negative change for either of us individually or as a couple. One day we'll be choosing our own floors together, one day we'll take it in turns to do the food shopping, or maybe she will food shop whilst I take care of the bills. I know that this is an important step for her to take in order to move forward for herself, and selfishly for us. I need to to have patience and not worry about asking for reassurance if I need it no matter where the insecurities stem from.

Sometimes things don't go to plan and that's nobodies fault. Sometimes keys aren't where they should be and it means I have an hour to get ready to leave the house rather than 6. One apology should be enough and then I should forgive them just like I would expect if the roles were reversed.

I feel like I hit a setback when I was alone in the flat with two men fitting flooring. It makes me realise there is a still a great deal for me to deal with. I'm hoping RCSAS will help with this in the future. I can't process much more about it.

My ex is still getting to me, in a way worse than before because I am no longer heartbroken, my vengeance no longer comes from a place of lost love. Now I'm just angry, nasty and bitter and I hate being that person. I hate him for being in my life and I am determined to build my own without him. If that means avoiding places where he'll be then so be it. One day I'll be more courageous and less fearful.

The weekend away was tough. It brought up more half resolved feelings. I was jealous of the life my friends to have together. Jealous that they're 30 years old, living together, getting married, planning kids. I was jealous that their relationship seems flawless and I know that no relationship is. Mine isn't and I shouldnt expect it to be. There are things that I lack from my relationship and I'm still torn as to whether these are things I should fight for with her or learn to live without.

Therapy starts at the end of the month, group therapy which is supposed to be a big step forward but only time will tell. I hope this will help me help myself.

I went back to the gym today and a friend asked me why I stopped. I think I stopped because of the comments I got about being thinner, ironic as this is my goal. I could write for hours in detail about why this bothers me. But in the short term, if he hadn't seen me looking so pretty for my date, he wouldn't have raped me. Right? I guess I'll never know. Yet I find myself constantly being self aware of how attractive people perceive me, it's attention I don't want. I hope RCSAS can help with this.

It's been very nearly 3 years since I was raped and it's a year until he gets out of jail. I'm angry still and that led to me writing a Facebook post so my family knew what they put me through alone. I'm not sure if it was the right thing to do but I'm pretty sure I feel lighter for it.

October is intense. I'm not sure how I'm feeling. I do think it's gonna be okay. The anniversary is coming but I'm prepared. Then we have an awesome Halloween party with friends. Then another event that my girlfriend and I are going to go to just for us. I got tickets for P!NK in June 2019 and I'll make sure I still have things to aim for.

[callmenateybird]

Depression Never Drove Me To Attempt Suicide; Being Bullied While Depressed Did

I don’t wanna relive my bullying hellscape today but I can’t shake the feeling that people still just continue to blame the brains of suicidal people for any and all suicidal acts.

I’ve experienced depression for a long time. I was lucky that depression alone never led me to a suicide attempt. Being bullied along with being depressed, however, did. I need to use my own experience as an example to get through to people about this today.

Spring 2016: I dated a person I met on The List App (just what it sounds like - a list-making app created by BJ Novak). I went out to CA to be with her for 2 months. She felt it was moving too fast, but didn’t tell me for awhile. Eventually she did, we broke up, I was crushed, I went back to OH to be with family. I whined, I pitied myself, I spoke about the breakup on List.

Eventually, friends of my ex decided this was too much & brought my ex & others into a FB group chat, where they shit talked & mused that I had been manipulative & that I’d threatened self harm.

This was the first in two instances now of upping the ante of false accusation. First, from whining & taking a breakup hard -> manipulation & threats of self harm, then, a year ago right around this time, upping the ante again to “abuser.” More on that in a bit.

Back to 2016 — August, as the group chat began. I had been listing about the upcoming 2 year anniversary of my dad’s passing — Aug 10. On the night of the 9th, my ex’s close friend did what I guess was an accidental like of an old list of mine. At the time, it seemed odd because she wasn’t following me and we’d had conflict with each other on Twitter about a week before.

The next day, it made sense why she’d been far back in my old lists. As I listed about the anniversary of my dad’s passing, parody accounts began to go public.

The first was called Predator. My screen shots here were taken later (I was too upset to screenshot anything the day it all happened) after the name was changed to “Chris, Kay?” to target one List guy these people hated. The original name on the account was “Chrislie K. Veshester” — a mashup of the names of 3 of us from List.

In the second and third screenshots, you’ll see parts of a list. This list has direct excerpts from lists the 3 of us guys had previously posted (gathering lines from old lists the night before…yes, bullies go to great efforts to bully). The writing and recording line, the bravery line, the baggage line, the body is your friend line, the quote of Coyote Hours (an album about the death of my father) — all from me & gleefully twisted into being somehow creepy or wrong.

The line “I try to get others to take care of me” didn’t seem to come from any of us, but seems more to be a line from my ex’s friend’s imagination that reflects how those people saw me in the wake of that breakup.

Also launched that day, in tandem, was the Flounce account (to flounce means to announce that you’re leaving a community, which I had done the night before my dad anniversary, because of what I was going through at the time). I later was told this was created by Jack Waz, an employee of List. The first few followers on the account — my bullies, “Jo-Ann Fabrics” (another parody account by Jack), & even List creator BJ Novak.

Also popping up that day was this dormant “imacreep” account where luckily no new vitriol was added — but you can see, based on the few lists that account had “liked,” that it came from the same group of people.

You can also see, from the few likes on the predator account, that it came from the same group of people.

On Aug 10, I had a nervous breakdown after seeing all of this. The passing of a parent is a deep trauma and, only 2 years out, was obviously very fresh for me. It is an event that is almost sacred in a way, & part of the unhealable scarring of my bullying experience is that this sacred date was snatched away from me, and tainted by this awful social media experience. I now forever associate the day my dad died with being bullied.

On September 1st, an older guy from the group chat sent me an unsolicited harassing email, after being given my contact info by my ex. I had just called her to ask if she would be completing some album artwork she’d promised to do for me around the time of our breakup. I hadn’t heard from her in ages (this was before I knew she was involved in the group chat), so I took one last chance at reaching out about it. In the email from this guy, I was summarily smacked down for “not respecting her boundaries” and told very cruelly by him that she didn’t want to do my art, or hear from me ever again.

In mid September 2016, a former friend told me everything about the group chat. She had been brought into it and pressured/intimidated (by, among others, men in their late 30s — she was in her early 20s, as were a few other women in the group chat) to “provide receipts” of me talking about my breakup. She was forced to “denounce” me and swear she’d never talk to me again.

She named names to me in September and let me know who was involved. I learned that my ex — who had been silent through all the stuff in August — was in the group chat, participated, and watched it all go down. A couple days later, I began a suicide attempt.

The ordeal led to both myself and my mom being hospitalized (she has a heart condition). Thankfully, we both came out of the ordeal ok.

Plenty more vitriol was unleashed on List after August 10th. I was lucky that much of it didn’t involve me (another guy from List got it worse than I did). One older guy from the group chat did a particularly nasty “sublist” and a few other remarks came out here and there, but it seemed to be dying down finally.

Through the fall, I began to find balance again. I returned to List with a new account, and took small steps in standing up for myself.

In November, I confronted my ex about what I knew, in an attempt to make peace. She expressed some regret, but never really apologized in a way that felt adequate to me, nor would she concede that her friends had bullied me and that she had condoned it.

In December, I returned to CA to resume the life I’d begun building when I was dating my ex. I had been dreaming of living in Southern California since the trip to scatter my dad’s ashes there in fall of 2014, and I was using the last chunk of inheritance money I’d gotten to get myself re-established in Orange County.

In January of 2017, I finally realized that my ex was never going to apologize to me for everything, so I launched a text tirade of criticisms her way and stopped speaking to her.

But in the next few months, I faltered in that commitment and sent her three harassing emails. Since the previous fall, I had begun an agonizing habit of digital cutting (creeping on social media that you know is bad for your mental health) and snooped on her accounts, plus those of her friends and family. It is a habit that I have yet to fully shake, even all this time later. The three emails I sent all involved seeing things she’d liked on social media and being angry or jealous about them. I finally stooped to the level of the people who harassed me, and I harassed her. After the final of those three emails, in April of 2017, she wrote back and said she’d file a harassment order if I contacted her again, and I never contacted her again.

But I continued to grow more and more emboldened in standing up for myself publicly, and over the course of 2017 it became a huge part of my social media (especially on Twitter) to speak openly about my experience being bullied, harassed, and ganged up on.

In June of 2017, I was walking in a park in my ex’s town and saw her. A few days later, many of the ladies from List were tagged in a massive Twitter thread. For some reason, a few of us guys from the app were tagged as well. Later that day, my ex’s friend from the group chat - the one who had made the “Predator” account - subtweeted that these List ladies in the mass tagging had “an abuser among [them].” The ante of false accusation had been upped again, from whining and self pity and taking a breakup hard -> manipulation and threats of self harm -> abuse.

This subtweet alone, which I’d only discovered because of my continuing struggle with digital cutting (creeping online), sent me reeling on the verge of another breakdown. I knew that things were heating up culturally, that the imperative to believe women was more important than ever. And now, for the first time, I had to face that dissenting argument from the trolls who don’t like the prioritization of believing women no matter what — “what if somebody falsely accuses someone just to fuck up their life?” But even then, I brought myself back from the brink (with much help from my therapy sessions, my support system of family and friends, my writing, and the good-for-the-soul environment of southern California).

I even had a phone call later that summer with the friend who’d told me about the group chat, where I explained to her that I still acknowledged the importance of believing women, even if I was experiencing a false accusation. I told her that I was trying to hold onto the understanding that the cultural prioritization of listening to and believing women was bigger than me, more important than me.

But I also continued to speak openly about being bullied, and now included the mention of being implied to be an emotional abuser, all through 2017 until finally standing up for myself on social media impacted my real life once more. A few days before Christmas, after a really good period of no digital cutting for the entire month of December so far, I had a weak moment one evening and looked at the social media of my ex and her family. On her mom’s Instagram, I saw a repost from my ex’s private account where she’d said she had gone to the police station to file a report about “a year and a half of harassment, stalking, and general creepiness.” (A year and a half would be going back to right when we broke up - we were still on good terms then - and six months before our friendly if flawed semi-clearing of the air in late 2016). In her mom’s repost, she said “if we see this guy in our neighborhood again, we are coming after him!” I saw this — and hope you will understand my seeing it this way — as a threat of physical harm. If “our neighborhood” meant seeing me on their street, well that was never going to happen. But if it meant seeing me in their whole entire town — like I’d seen her in a park last June — well, what was I supposed to do about being seen in an entire town??

I was terrified, and made a hasty decision two days later (Christmas Eve) to leave my Orange County long term Airbnb about two months before the end of my lease. I struggled for about a month to stay afloat in LA, looking for a new space. But my savings was too low to handle the temporary added expenses of new Airbnbs and hotels, and by early February of 2018 I decided I had to throw in the towel and go back to Ohio to regroup with family until I could afford to be out west again.

And that is my ordeal, to date.

I took a breakup badly, and cried and cried and said “I can’t take it anymore” (the closest I came to “threats of self harm,” as were the initial accusations from the group chat). And all because of taking a breakup badly —

I was ganged up on, parodied, mocked, and bullied on the two year anniversary of the death of my father.

The actual creators/employees of the app where I was bullied - including BJ Novak himself - celebrated and *participated in* bullying me.

I suffered a nervous breakdown.

I attempted suicide.

My mom was sent into the hospital with a heart scare, from watching what I was going through and reacting emotionally as most mothers would.

I drained thousands of dollars from my savings for additional therapy, spiritual counseling, and cross country travel (twice).

I literally left my home because I felt unwelcome and physically unsafe in Orange County, after being threatened with violence by my ex’s mother. 

And now I exist in this particular moment on social media, where the valiant and important efforts of the #metoo movement are still sometimes misrepresented by cold statements like “don’t ever fucking tell me that a false accusation ruins a man’s life.”

Even if you set aside my experience of being ganged up on and bullied, of being called a creep for being friends with women who were younger than me in a social media community, of being accused of manipulation and emotional abuse, it should be understandable as a general isolated statement — When we talk about someone’s life being ruined, we have to look at more than just their external life. We have to also look at their internal life.

And rest assured — beyond all the external stuff I just listed, my internal life has been forever impacted by being bullied and by being called “abuser.”

I can no longer say I have never attempted suicide. After years of living with depression and being proud of myself for never giving into the darkest of places, I now have experienced a suicide attempt. I now have experienced being called an abuser. And who knows what else I may experience as repercussions for posting this essay with screenshots and names, since the past two years of interacting with bullies has shown me very clearly that bullies always — ALWAYS — win.

We now live in an age where bullies are empowered by important cultural movements. They sneak in through weak spots, they use amped up language and terms that they know will attract attention. They are stronger than ever.

But the part of the narrative that my bullies and threateners will always leave out of their callouts - their own screenshot exposés of past and possibly future - is the part where they bullied and harassed first. My own instances of email harassment of my ex, my own flawed and self destructive habit of creeping online — these are personal flaws that arose AFTER being bullied. That part of their narrative will always be conveniently scrapped from the record. Bullying proves the age old saying — hurt people hurt people.

And so now, two years after my ordeal began, I try to be mindful that angry statements can verge on harassment, I do less and less digital cutting, I try to be a good person and to value the people who value me.

But when famous people are lost to suicide, and the conversation zeroes in squarely on mental illness and mental health, I just cannot abide the ignoring of so many other cultural factors that lead people to no longer want to live on this planet.

Whether the factors are due to marginalization, systemic oppression, economic hopelessness, ageism, a broken health care system, disease and physical pain, or a bullying ordeal like mine — there are an endless number of external environmental forces that drive people to suicide besides their own pure brain chemistry. And remember, environmental doesn’t just mean places and things — it means people. Many of those external forces that drive people to suicide involve how the people are treated by the others in their environment.

I have experienced depression for much of my life. But it was only being bullied that finally pushed me to the brink. This screenshot below shows the folks from the group chat. Some of them were silent bystanders, but they all watched it go down and did nothing to stop it. They are all complicit.

These are my bullies.

And if I have to live forever with being bullied the day my dad died, with having attempted suicide, with watching my mom go into the hospital, with being called an abuser and whatever else I’ll be called between two years ago and the end of my life, then they will have to live with being called bullies. And even if this post is removed, even if this account is suspended or deleted, I will continue to speak up and speak out when I am bullied or when I see others being bullied. I will not stand for it ever again.

Because all the things those people took away from me left a gaping hole inside me. And, so far, I have only found a couple things with which to sufficiently fill that hole — the understanding of my very loving and supportive family and friends, and love and respect for myself. Standing up for myself is just one of the ways I have learned to love and respect myself, ever since the ordeal that scarred my life forever.

June 12: I decided to add an afterword to this essay, a sort of “FAQ” to address a question I’ve been asked a few times in one form or another. 

The question: Do you talk about your bullying experience so much because you want your bullies to feel bullied?

No.

First, "bullying bullies" isn't a thing much like how reverse racism isn't a thing. To be a broken record - to continually expose the bullying act & “Scarlet Letter” the perpetrators - is the only power a bullying victim has, since the act of bullying unfortunately isn't treated like a punishable crime, especially when it’s done online (even though being bullied has robbed me financially and wounded me - and my family - both physically and emotionally).

Second, I talk about this as much as I do because I want the people who bullied me to feel haunted by the consequences of their actions (and inactions, in the case of those who watched and condoned) - actions they probably felt, at the time, were not a big deal. To have spoken about it publicly for almost three years is an effort at making them feel so haunted by their behavior that they not only never bully another person again, but that they *themselves* become dedicated anti-bullying crusaders. It sounds almost laughable - and certainly would to them, as cynical as they are - but I am trying to make a difference in these few peoples’ lives. You can label it crudely as “badgering,” which I feel does a disservice to me by downplaying the severity of what happened to me, but whatever you call my continued persistence in talking about this experience - it is persistence that aims to make a few people more decent and mindful of their past and future behavior.

[tryingtostartallover]

Chapter 13

Hello, this is the story that you're about to read of how my now two ex-friends that I have known for 3 and 9 years backstabbed and ditch me during my move while I was having a mental breakdown. The question that I have am I the asshole in this story? Last year during the pandemic, I was thinking about what I want to do with my life. I decided that I wanted to move out of state, and I picked Florida. I told my now ex-friends C and N that I was planning on moving to Florida ( I don't want to use their actual names, so Im just using their first name initials ). At first, they were really happy for me,,, and they volunteered to help me move my stuff into my apartment when I do move. Moving to Florida was exciting but also scary because I have no friends or family down there but I wanted a change in my life. A year later,,, I got a job offer down here and I finally told them the goods news. We were super excited because I worked really hard to move,, and it was finally going to happened. We talked how much fun we were going to have and how this will be a smooth move. That did not happen matter of fact,,, the exact opposite happened. On the day of the move,,, which was June 20th, we had a 12-hour drive ahead of us; we planned on leaving at 7 am. Ex-friend N showed up thirty minutes late... I shrugged it off because it wasn't a big deal. We got to Florida in the evening time .Ex-Friend N does hair,,, and she told me that she had a client that booked her. Then she asks me can the client come to my apartment so she can do her hair. At first, I didn't feel comfortable with this because I didn't want a stranger into my apartment,,,,,,,,, especially I haven't seen the apartment yet in person. I was trying to be nice,, and I told her yes,, that was fine. We spent the night at the Airbnb because the apartment wouldn't be ready until the next day,, which was my birthday.

The morning of the move-in day,, we stopped by the gas station to get some light snacks before we start by moving my stuff in. Before we left,,, I told them that after we get everything moved in,, I wanted to get my hair done because we planned to go downtown to celebrate my birthday later in the evening. They told me that they were okay with it and it wasn't a problem. We get to the apartment,,,,, and it was completely fucked up. The patio screen was broken to the point it was hanging over the balcony. They were what it looks like a wasp or a hornet's nest on the patio door. The floor had paint on them, the ac filter needed to be changed, the walls were dirty, the shower looked like some type of mold in the corners. The door stopper was broken,, and underneath the fridge, it was filthy. I was pissed off,, but I had to return the rental car,,,, so I said I'll deal with issues the tomorrow morning. Ex-Friend C went with me to drop off the rental car,,, and we stopped by Wal- Mart to buy some things for the apartment. I bought them groceries,,, and I bought Ex- friend C an air mattress so she wouldn't be sleeping on the floor. After we came back from the store,,, I took a quick shower and headed off to get my hair done . I got my hair done,, and picked them up from the apartment to go to downtown. We got a quick bite to eat and did a ghost tour that I paid for the three of us to do. During the tour Ex- friend N started to complain. They were a girl in the group who kept coughing a lot, and ex-friend N felt uncomfortable and said she didn't want to do the tour anymore. She said she was afraid of getting covid even though she was already fully vaccinated and had her mask on her,,,, but I brushed it off. I told her she could wait for us when we're done with the tour, and we'll get her. Ex-friend C stayed with me until the tour was over. We went to the bar,,, and they were having a comedy show; the three of us were sitting in the booth. One of the comedians looks at us and ask us what we were doing tonight, and I said,, celebrating my birthday. The comedian proceeds to say " Oh did you get any birthday dick from your boyfriend''? Ex-Friend N lifted her head and the comedian said "oh never mind,,,,,,, that's a girl. "

Ex-friend N was super pissed off about the joke, and when we left, she want a huge rant about how much she hated black men ,because the guy was black, she kept saying that black men are disgusting, nasty, rude, and that they were all perverts, and this is why she only dates white guys. She is black too,, so I was really offended by this,, but I didn't want to say anything to make her more upset than she already was. We went back to my apartment, and that's when shit hit the fan. My apartment had roaches,,,,,,,,.,,,,, and I was trying to move my stuff away, but my two ex-friends ad didn't help me. Instead, they went on a rant about how this was a major inconvenience for them and that they're getting a hotel together without including me. I was in the room hearing them saying how they had other things to pay for, and that they weren't planning to spend money on a hotel. I offered to pay the hotel for them because I felt bad, but they told me no, don't worry about it. The next morning ex-friend N went with me to the rental office to talk about the apartment. After that we went back to the apartment , ex-friend C ask me if I wanted to put my stuff away I told her no. I said I'll wait for them to come to spray the apartment down before I put things away but I said no .because I don't want the roaches to get into my stuff and I;ll wait for pest control to come. Ex-friend C said she wanted to go to Starbucks and ex-friend N said she wanted to take a short hike. I said, that's fine; I'll do some exploring on my own. I picked up Ex-friend N from the park an hour later. I told her that I was mentally drained and exhausted and wanted to be by myself for a bit. She told me that she understood and was okay with that. I asked her what time did she need to be picked up from the hotel. She told me to get her and her ex-friend C around 3 pm. I then asked her were they planning on staying there for the rest of the day. She told me that they would chill at the hotel for a bit, and I said okay.

We went back to the apartment, and I told ex-friend C the same thing that I told ex-friend N. She said okay, and she said that she wanted to stay at the apartment to read her book. Ex friend N said she also wanted to stay to do some work . I asked them if they were okay and if they needed anything they told me no , they were fine to waiting at the apartment . At 3 pm they called me to come to get them to take them to the hotel. When they got into the car, I can already feel that there is tension. I apologize for not being in a good and that I was sorry. Ex-Friend N said with the nastiest attitude that quote,, " Nobody said anything or mention anything about it." I shrug it off at first because I was driving,,, and it started to pour down rain really hard, so I wanted to focus on the road. I asked her what time she needed me to take her to the airport because she was leaving the next day. She then said she'll take the metro because it will be more chill. She then tells me that she made soup and use my cooking wear . I said that was fine but then she says she didn't wash the dishes. I asked her why and she said because she wasn't sure if I would be okay with her going trough my stuff to get the cleaning supplies even though cleaning supplies were next to the cook wear . To me it doesn't make sense because if you already touch my stuff to cook then you should had cleaned it but she was being lazy and a bitch .Then out of nowhere she goes on to say that she felt like a taxi driver the whole-trip and that she felt like they didn't help me move. She proceeds to say that I abandon them in the apartment and that I was a bad friend for leaving them there. And that I should be grateful that they offer to help because nobody else would. She keeps verbally attacking me while ex-friend C is quietly watching the whole thing. Ex friend N continued gaining up on me and said that she was upset cause they didn't get to decorate my apartment or have fun on her last day. I told her I don't want to put anything because of the roaches; she said that it's not a big deal and that she lived with roaches for 14 months in her old apartment,, and dealt with it so should I . Ex friend C said everyone's first apartment is always shitty and that I shouldn't be upset of messed up my apartment was. She also said that I abandon both of them and joined ex friend N side. I finally snapped at them, which I shouldn't have,, but I was overwhelmed, and had hit my breaking point. Ex friend N said she not coming back to visit me and that it's all my fault that I had ruined their trip and I ended things on a sour note with them. I began crying and sobbing  really bad while they were getting out of the car without saying a word to me . Ex friend C texted me later that night said that she's leaving with ex friend N originally she was supposed to leave on Thursday . She texted me " good luck on the apartment let me know how it goes''. I was super pissed off by this , this was the biggest fuck you I ever got in my life. You were suppose to be my friend but you ditch me while I was having a breakdown and then have the nerve to say good luck. I came back to the apartment and saw the dirty dishes and open food cans on my countertop I was done. In the heat of the moment I sent Ex friend N a voice message saying that I was done being her friend , I said that she was selfish , rude and I was disgusted by her actions especially her rant on black men. I blocked and deleted her off of everything and haven't talk to her since. At first I was sad about ending the friendship because I known her for three years but I don't want to be friends with someone like that .

   Then two weeks some of my friends from VA came down to visit me. I told the whole story about what had happened. I still couldn't had cut ties with ex friend C yet because I was debating if I wanted to stay friends or not because I known her for 9 years and I didn't want to throw away the friendship . My friend suggested that I reach out to her to talk it out and so I did. I texted her that I wanted to talk about what had happened and that I was still upset and felt like she got mad at me for no reason. She sent sent a long text that she drove over 800 miles in the hot humid weather to help me move and she tried her best to be good friend to me and said that she wouldn't make that mistake again. She said I left them in the apartment . In her text she stated that it sucked that I wasn't over the situation but she had already move on from it. She said that I ruined their chance of having fun together . 

   At the end of her text she said it was best for us to part ways that she doesn't regret almost none of our time together . I cried at first while reading because I was hurt , I was trying to be the bigger person to solve the issue but she decided to run from it. I found out that she blocked and me off of everything which hurt even worse. I realize now that they were never my friends they were fake. They proved me to that they are selfish , toxic , cowards and only care for themselves . I paid for gas all the way down and they never offer to help pay for that and I paid for the rental car as well. I tried my best to accommodate whatever they needed but in the end I felt like I got taken advantage of and used. They used my move as a fun trip but realize things weren't going of what they wanted so they left when shit got hard. Im moving on with my life and Im glad that they are out of my life now.