#Prayer for Marilyn Monroe
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Ernesto Cardenal: Prayer for Marilyn Monroe
Lord,welcome this girl known throughout the world as Marilyn Monroe,although that was not her real name(but You know her real name, that of the little orphan raped at 9 years oldand the shop assistant who at 16 had wanted to kill herself)and who now appears before You without any makeupwithout her Press Agentwithout photographers and without signing autographsalone like an astronaut facing the…
#addiction#celebrity#Ernesto Cardenal#Hollywood#Marilyn Monroe#Nicaragua#ORACIÓN POR MARILYN MONROE#Prayer#Prayer for Marilyn Monroe#Sandinistas#sex symbols#suicide
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Hello, Lee! 💋 I hope you're doing lovely! It is amazing to see your requests open! I've dropped in to put my request in your ask ever since my last gifset here the thought of getting on his nerves while he works is massacring the insides of my head 🫠 imagining the whole scenario over how tommy would give the reaction to his wife, i was hoping if you'd write something related to this!
Totally not squealing as i send this in but I fully leave the idea upto you & whatever you will come up with cause i believe in you!! Take your time and have fun with it, darling! BUT one thing I'd mighty love to give you is the category....can it be smut? 😈
Holding in my own uncontrollable squeals of glee at your request, M 🤭 Tysm for sending this! I hope you enjoy the short piece I wrote based on your magnificent gifset and some Marilyn Monroe inspo you posted the other day 😉
Midnight Wanderings 🔞
"It's after midnight, Y/n. What are you doing awake?" Tommy asked without looking toward the open door. Even in the dim light from the fireplace, he knew you by the voluptuous shadow you cast upon the wall.
"I couldn't sleep without you. Come to bed," you purred. You crossed to him, swaying your hips so the shimmering satin of your thin, nude colored dressing gown would catch the flickering firelight.
Despite the fog of cigarette smoke surrounding his desk, the distraction worked. When Tommy looked up at you, his eyes grew wide at the sight of your curves draped in the luscious fabric. He sat motionless for a few moments as he took in the high slit at the side of your leg. It opened with each subtle movement, exposing just enough of your thigh to reveal you weren't wearing any underwear. He swallowed harshly at the plunging neckline which displayed the tops of your breasts threatening to spill forth and the way your nipples were stiffening in the chilly air of his office.
Removing his glasses with two hands, Tommy exhaled deeply, as he pushed away thoughts of who else might have seen you in such a vulnerable state, tempting them to have their way with you. Pinching the bridge of his nose, he cleared his throat before attempting to discipline you. Bringing his palms together as if in prayer he pleaded, "For the last time, Y/n, would you stop wandering the halls half naked?"
Feeling bratty, you rolled your eyes at your husband’s over protective, and frankly prudish, nature. You’d attempted to reassure him several times your desire to be naked was a harmless habit and quite natural. You disliked the feeling of rough fabrics upon your sensitive skin, preferring to sleep in the nude, skin to skin with Tommy. And how did he expect you to rest this evening without his comforting warmth? There was only one solution and that was luring him back upstairs.
Your hand hovered over the bow at your waist, fingertips tugging ever so slightly as you boldly replied, “I can come down nude next time if you like. In fact, I prefer it.” Tommy’s eyes momentarily flashed with fire at your disobedience. Seeing the veins in his hands protrude as he flexed and his jaw clench in frustration flooded you with an even greater need for him.
You bit your lip as you wondered if he might take you on the velvet sofa, hands and knees sunk deep into the plush cushions. Or if he was truly angry, you’d be left to satisfy yourself against the rough tweed of his trousers, clutching his neck while murmuring half-hearted apologies. Suddenly you didn’t care what the outcome would be so long as you had him close to you. Shrugging off the thin layer of material you wore, you proudly displayed every inch of yourself as you ran a hand down your body enticingly.
“Get over here,” Tommy commanded, watching you preen, but the slight hitch of his breath and the hungry look in his eye told you his desire far outweighed his twisted jealousy. Pushing away from his desk you could see the effects of your teasing, the bulge in his trousers growing as you perched on his lap to soothe him with a manicured hand.
“Take me to bed,” you suggested sweetly, resting your head on his shoulder.
He caught your chin in a firm grasp, craning your neck toward his face at an awkward angle as he raised an eyebrow at you in challenge. “Not yet," he whispered against your lips before stealing a kiss. He lifted you up onto your feet and turned you away from him in one swift movement, caging your body against the desk. You stifled a gasp of surprise as your stomach hit the edge, listening to the jingle of his belt with delicious anticipation.
Entering you with a single, harsh thrust, he gripped your waist as he fucked the tension away, your little whimpers and moans spurring him on. The feeling of his skin meeting yours sent you into a delirious state and you nearly collapsed if not for his strong hold on you. His hand slipped to your throat possessively as he urged you toward your end, praising you for taking him so well.
Unable to hold out any longer, he came inside you with a sigh of satisfaction before placing a tender kiss to your shoulder. Then he withdrew with a hiss, leaving you empty, but blissfully exhausted. “Now we can go up,” he said quietly, tucking himself back into his trousers.
You nodded lazily, moving to gather your robe, but Tommy's hand pulled you back. “Leave it,” he instructed with a wicked smile. "Isn't that what you want?" Splaying a large hand against your lower back, he guided you up the grand staircase and down the hall toward your bedroom. And as he watched you sway happily in the candlelight, his pupils dilated once more at the wetness seeping from between your thighs. He had to admit, you’d never looked more beautiful wandering the halls of Arrow House.
#zablife ask box#Tommy Shelby fanfic#Tommy Shelby imagine#Tommy Shelby x you#Tommy Shelby x y/n#Tommy Shelby x reader#Tommy Shelby smut
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South Park Season 26 Predictions
Cartman becomes obsessed with Kanye because of his antisemitic statements
Some mention of the royal family drama
There won't be a tik tok episode specifically but there will be an episode about social media
Meta comments about tegridy farms
One singular joke gets run into the ground (most likely tegridy farms jokes)
Way less focused on Randy (this is more of a prayer than a prediction)
Jokes about the taylor swift ticketmaster incident
Kim Kardashian buying Marilyn Monroe's dressed gets mentioned in an indirect way
Praying to God the main four don't get sidelined
An episode about mass shootings
Joe Biden makes an appearance
The return of Casa Bonita
A valentine's day episode about all the south park couples but primarily focused on tweek and craig
Kenny is either barely mentioned or has a significant plot point
Cartman tries to profit off of Andrew Tate (either by starting his own misogynistic podcast or really trying to appear as a feminist again)
Heidi finally gets mentioned again
A Butters and Cartman episode
Kyle makes another one of his gay little speeches (this is a long shot but I want these to come back so bad)
Tolkien and his family get an episode
Several references to cartmans boobjob
More character development for Liane
An episode centered around the girls (Wendy, Bebe, Nicole, etc.)
Rick becomes a somewhat important character (another longshot)
Mr. Garrison gets another episode of him being an extremist
Someone moves into Cartman's old house and he goes to great lengths to stop them (it's probably an already established character
#south park#eric cartman#kyle broflovski#kenny mccormick#stan marsh#tolkien black#butters stotch#randy marsh#south park season 26#praying at least one of these predictions happen
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Endless Love
Today’s Saying
[God] has made and keeps a covenant of personal commitment and love to His people. Sinclair Ferguson
Today’s Scripture
Behold what manner of love the Father has bestowed on us, that we should be called children of God! 1 John 3:1
Today’s Sermonette
A recent movie about the life of actress Marilyn Monroe portrays her as an emotionally starved woman whose story was filled with trauma, who craved acceptance but who received only abuse and exploitation.
That’s the sad condition of so many people. Everyone—even those who haven’t been traumatized in life—wants acceptance.
We want to be liked, to be loved, to be included.
If you feel undervalued today, two prayers will help.
First, ask God to give you a heart of friendship for someone else and to show you who it is. He will lead you to someone to befriend, and it’s in helping others that we ourselves find help.
Second, ask God to reassure you of His loving presence in your life. He has already accepted you. He sought you, saved you through the blood of Jesus, and longs to draw closer to you each day.
Live each day confident in the knowledge that God has accepted you as His child, and let His healing love bring fresh joy and reassurance to your personality.
Today’s Supplication
Father, help me to live each day confident in the knowledge that you have accepted me as your child, and let your healing love bring fresh joy and reassurance to my personality.
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Pinterest - History
Marilyn Monroe visits troops in Korea #PUSH Pray Until Something Happens KINDLE #GIVETHANKS #Outreach: That the world may know #Prayer Focus: Pray for Our Prodigals #Praise the Lord Please follow my blog Guam Christian Blog Please follow my blog Guam Views Blog Podcast: https://anchor.fm/bruce-dinsman Bruce’s Facebook https://www.facebook.com/bruce.dinsman Featured book:…
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Prayer for Marilyn Monroe, by Ernesto Cardenal
Lord
receive this young woman known around the world as Marilyn Monroe
although that wasn't her real name
(but You know her real name, the name of the orphan raped at the age of 6
and the shopgirl who at 16 had tried to kill herself)
who now comes before You without any makeup
without her Press Agent
without photographers and without autograph hounds,
alone like an astronaut facing night in space.
She dreamed when she was little that she was naked in a church
(according to the Time account)
before a prostrated crowd of people, their heads on the floor
and she had to walk on tiptoe so as not to step on their heads.
You know our dreams better than the psychiatrists.
Church, home, cave, all represent the security of the womb
but something else too …
The heads are her fans, that's clear
(the mass of heads in the dark under the beam of light).
But the temple isn't the studios of 20th Century-Fox.
The temple—of marble and gold—is the temple of her body
in which the Son of Man stands whip in hand
driving out the studio bosses of 20th Century-Fox
who made Your house of prayer a den of thieves.
Lord
in this world polluted with sin and radioactivity
You won't blame it all on a shopgirl
who, like any other shopgirl, dreamed of being a star.
Her dream just became a reality (but like Technicolor's reality).
She only acted according to the script we gave her
—the story of our own lives. And it was an absurd script.
Forgive her, Lord, and forgive us
for our 20th Century
for this Colossal Super-Production on which we all have worked.
She hungered for love and we offered her tranquilizers.
For her despair, because we're not saints
psychoanalysis was recommended to her.
Remember, Lord, her growing fear of the camera
and her hatred of makeup—insisting on fresh makeup for each scene—
and how the terror kept building up in her
and making her late to the studios.
Like any other shopgirl
she dreamed of being a star.
And her life was unreal like a dream that a psychiatrist interprets and files.
Her romances were a kiss with closed eyes
and when she opened them
she realized she had been under floodlights
as they killed the floodlights!
and they took down the two walls of the room (it was a movie set)
while the Director left with his scriptbook
because the scene had been shot.
Or like a cruise on a yacht, a kiss in Singapore, a dance in Rio
the reception at the mansion of the Duke and Duchess of Windsor
all viewed in a poor apartment's tiny living room.
The film ended without the final kiss.
She was found dead in her bed with her hand on the phone.
And the detectives never learned who she was going to call.
She was
like someone who had dialed the number of the only friendly voice
and only heard the voice of a recording that says: WRONG NUMBER.
Or like someone who had been wounded by gangsters
reaching for a disconnected phone.
Lord
whoever it might have been that she was going to call
and didn't call (and maybe it was no one
or Someone whose number isn't in the Los Angeles phonebook)
You answer that telephone!
#literature#poetry#marilyn monroe#vintage advertising#tw sui ideation#sadgirl#sad life#mental illness#happy pills#suffering#golden era#hollywood#50s icons
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Yeah
Just take a sip right quick (Go Grizz)
Just got a lot to get off my chest (huh)
I'm a bad bitch, and I got bad anxiety
People call me rude 'cause I ain't lettin' 'em try me
Sayin' I'm a ho 'cause I'm in love with my body
Issues, but nobody I could talk to about it
They keep sayin' I should get help
But I don't even know what I need
They keep sayin' speak your truth
And at the same time say they don't believe, man
Excuse me while I get into my feelings for a second
Usually I keep it down, but today I gotta tell it
Not that anybody gives a fuck anyway
But everybody talkin' shit probably sucks anyway
Y'all don't even know how I feel
I don't even know how I deal
Today I really hate everybody
And that's just me bein' real, yeah
Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday
Bad bitches have bad days too
Friday, Saturday, Sunday, bounce back
How a bad bitch always do
All I really wanna hear is, "It'll be okay"
Bounce back 'cause a bad bitch can have bad days
All I really wanna hear is, "It'll be okay"
Bounce back 'cause a bad bitch can have bad days
If I could write a letter to Heaven
I would tell my mama that I shoulda been listenin'
And I would tell her sorry that I really been wildin'
And ask her to forgive me, 'cause I really been tryin'
And I would ask please, show me who been real
And get 'em from around me if they all been fake
It's crazy how I say the same prayers to the Lord
And always get surprised about who he take, man
I'm really thinkin' 'bout dialin' 911 'til I freak
'Cause they probably won't think it's that deep
And I don't do drugs, so I never get a time when I'm at ease
I can't even handle smokin' weed
Marilyn Monroe, my favorite ho
My favorite bad bitch, I think she the GOAT
Jammin' to Britney, singin' to Whitney
I just wan' talk to somebody that get me, yeah
Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday
Bad bitches have bad days too
Friday, Saturday, Sunday, bounce back
How a bad bitch always do
All I really wanna hear is, "It'll be okay"
Bounce back 'cause a bad bitch can have bad days
All I really wanna hear is, "It'll be okay"
Bounce back 'cause a bad bitch can have bad days
Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday
Bad bitches have bad days too
Friday, Saturday, Sunday, bounce back
How a bad bitch always do
All I really wanna hear is, "It'll be okay"
Bounce back 'cause a bad bitch can have bad days
All I really wanna hear is, "It'll be okay"
Bounce back 'cause a bad bitch can have bad days
Source: LyricFind
Songwriters: Kevin Andre Price / Megan J. Pete
Anxiety lyrics © Kobalt Music Publishing Ltd., Universal Music Publishing Group
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Navy Blue Snow
Navy Blue Snow
Stolen by the sweet wind Carried among the feathers of a beautiful strange bird A beautiful village never seen before
I'm lifted by the scent of the night The stars shine like the sun in the morning The moon shines like golden gold The universe dictates melodies My mind travels from place to place My heart preaches a prayer as I'm covered in navy blue snow
New Mexico & London My soul is carried by the feather of a moon-white bird as my soul dictates its praise
I feel alive I feel free When I'm covered in sea blue flakes I feel wild Like the waves of the silver ocean
Elvis and Michael J is in the sky shining like diamonds singing with my best friend Jesus Someday I'll be by his side singing gospel and old tunes by his side at a divine campfire with Marilyn Monroe, Lady Di, and Amy Winehouse
People say, “you're Insane, grow up.” They don't know half my life, so I dance with pride.
God knows I do my best God knows what I am when I look up at the sky
Old black sneakers White dress Crazy hairstyle Dark leather jacket My cigarette
Lana Del Rey in the jukebox I turn up the volume as I drift in the sweet county wind
I skate and dance like a princess in the navy blue snow While I'm covered in the poetic love of the twilight of the day
Melody Jade~ 🌹
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Suicide Bunny e-Liquid: Is It A Heavenly Formula For Vapers?
If you are a fan of desserts like e-liquids and love that creamy texture, the flavors of Suicide Bunny will blow your mind. The balanced mixture of different flavors in this e-juice is heavenly for many. There is a lot of hype around Suicide Bunny e-juices. But is that for a reason? Is it worth it to invest a high amount in these juices? Well, don't worry. We have got you covered. This article will discuss every aspect of Suicide Bunny e-liquid for better decision-making.
What is Suicide Bunny?
One of the fanciest vaping e-liquid in the entire industry is Suicide Bunny. The whole line of this vaping juice is enjoying popularity and is admired by vapers. Without a doubt, there is a huge hype about this e-liquid. This e-liquid range started way back in 2013 while Pip wanted to combine flavors to help her husband quit smoking. From then onwards she has brought juices on a worldwide platform with innumerable flavors to try. This e-liquid has ingredients made in the USA. This lineup now includes five flavors The O.B., Derailed, Mother’s Milk, Sucker Punch, and Madrina. The dedication of the creator paid and it's extremely popular now.
If you are thinking to try out Suicide Bunny e-liquid then you will have to carefully analyze if it's worth the hype or not. You will have to know everything about it from formulation to effects. This will help you ensure a safe and joyous experience. Almost all its juices are priced at $22 for a 30ml bottle. This is quite a high price, hence you will have to make sure it's worth the price. In this article further, you will get to know more about this e-liquid for better buying.
Is the packaging and design of Suicide Bunny great?
When it comes to the part of the design, Suicide Bunny is surely worth your attention. Each bottle has a unique design that seems to be interesting enough. Also on each bottle, you will see a cartoon character that is beautifully drawn with an impressive background on the label. If you talk about the Mother's Milk flavor its label has a topless woman with hands joined in prayer on its label. The eyes of this lady are closed and tears of blood running down her cheek. While the O.B. flavor has a marvelous picture of Marilyn Monroe holding guns and barrels on either side of her.
Although the designs do not define anything about the quality of e-liquid, with this one it's worth appreciating. Also each bottle has a wax letter seal design which has Suicide Bunny written on it. It also includes the SB logo, name of the juice, nicotine amount and a warning. These bottles are made up of glass and have child safe caps. If seen overall, its packaging and design is great.
What all mixing options are available?
It's still a mystery as anyone does not clearly know about the PG/VG ratio of Suicide Bunny juices. But many say that it's more on the VG side and provides viscous liquids that provide a throat hit. Also, it can get you some substantial clouds. Suicide Bunny juices are not the best option for people who have just started to switch from smoking. This is because they appreciate a throat hit. As far as nicotine levels are concerned you have options like 0, 3, 6, 12, and 18 mg/ml. 3mg/ml is a good option for beginners and 18mg/ml is great for people switching from smoking. One does not avail the option of 24mg/ml with Suicide Bunny. Know that this isn't an apt option for people just trying to shift.
What all should you know about Suicide Bunny?
Before you start using this liquid there are a few things that you must be aware of. Have an eye on ingredients before you shop for this liquid. It mainly contains vegetable glycerin (VG) and propylene glycol (PG) in a ratio of 70:30. Hence know that it is thick and will give out heavy vapors. Also if you are sensitive to PG it's not a good idea to go for Suicide Bunny. Amazingly there are no hidden artificial flavors in Suicide Bunny. The flavor in this e-liquid is derived from high-quality substances. Suicide Bunny e-liquid is made in the USA.
A person that is allergic to dairy is also likely to avoid usage of it. The flavor of this e-juice is a bit creamy and can remind you of milk. Hence it's harmful to the health of a dairy allergic. This e-juice is also not recommended for pregnant women. Although there are no harmful ingredients, it's better to avoid them. You can find this e-juice in different quantities that is 30ml, 60ml, and 120ml. The larger the bottle it will be the lesser amount you will have to pay.
To end
If you are in search of a premium dessert e-liquid, Suicide Bunny can be an apt choice. It is a better option for people that love the creamy texture. Its syrupy texture will make you crave more. The flavor of this e-liquid is just out of this world.
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A Marilyn Monroe Union Prayer Book for Jewish Worship. The cover is stamped “Marilyn Monroe Miller” and inscribed to Monroe “For Marilyn – with all of my best wishes and deepest respect – fondly – Bob.” It was sold at Julien’s Auctions for $16,000.
#marilyn monroe#jewish#book#prayer book#old hollywood#hollywood#classic hollywood#golden age of hollywood
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i dont know why but i feel like you are someone who loves/ would love marilyn monroe :)
��😭 anon, you don't know how correct you are. i positively love marilyn and have for ages. if you type "marilyn monroe" into the search bar on my blog, you will find posts going back to 2011 of precious Mar.
but forreal, ive always had a deep appreciation for her beauty, her wit, her humor, and her wisdom.
this set of pics are some of my favorite of her:
i also had this photograph framed and on my wall for YEARS:
all the while still thinking i was STRAIGHT....
i was staring at her boobies for ages and was just like "yeah this is totally hetero behavior" 😮💨
so yeah anon you're right you got me figured out
#also that reminds me i have that anon to answer today about how i figured out my sexuality#i'm gonna do that and i'm excited about it#i was already thinking about some stuff i want to include last night#anyways thanks for the message baby!#prayers#marilyn monroe
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Oh, peace, I need you.
Even a peaceful monster.
I am in a bad place these days. One of my children is struggling mightily and it is rippling all through the family, as these things do, as we all work to help the kiddo in need. It is a fight and it takes too long and everyone is exhausted, sad, occasionally angry, frustrated, and feeling overworked and underappreciated. I currently count “good time” in minutes. Some days we only get a few good minutes in a whole, long day. Most days we get many, many fewer good minutes than we need.
I always rise up to battle on behalf of my children, but it is never an easy fight, and this one is the most taxing we’ve had. I am dragging through every day as I lose sleep every night with Mama’s Worries [tm]. I am angry a lot. Much more than I want to be. I shout and scream and a few days ago I sat in my car and wailed. I have cried every day for weeks, and I don’t cry. Every day I think or say “I can’t live like this.” Every day is just hard. It’s just hard.
In my sleep-deprived, raw-nerve dismay, I have begun to have intrusive thoughts about suicidal action. I promise, I am not suicidal. But anyone who has had these kinds of repetitive, scary thoughts and not been able to turn them off knows how frightening and sad they can be. I had a similar experience after my second child was born; it was a manifestation of extreme anxiety--chemical anxiety, not just Mama’s Worries--and of postpartum depression. So I recognise them for what they are, which is my brain reacting to stress. I’m taking my meds and monitoring myself. But I hate having those thoughts; they just remind me how tired I am and how difficult things are. Every night I promise my struggling kiddo (and myself), “Tomorrow is a better day,” and every day I wake up feeling positive and ready for the day to be better. So far, no day has been better than the one before for weeks on end. It’s grinding me down.
We are doing all we can to reset. Everything takes time and of course no one outside our family has the sense of urgency we have about getting our child needed help, which is always so frustrating. I have been unpleasant to a lot of strangers on the phone in the past few weeks, I will admit. But that’s my job and I’ll go down doing it. But it’s hard, and I’m tired. So tired. Bone tired.
Anyway, prayers and good vibes and whatever other Woo you do are always welcome; I am a big believer in the power of positive energy and I’m open to receive all I can get. One day, not too long from now (but much too long from now), tomorrow will be better than today. I’m ready for it. Let it be soon.
#personal#please don't reblog#prayers rituals good vibes and wishes are welcome#I need all the positive energy I can absorb#some mental health stuff in here could be upsetting#just FYI#quote is from the diary of Marilyn Monroe
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𝐇𝐨𝐩𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐈'𝐥𝐥 𝐅𝐢𝐧𝐝 [𝐀 𝐆𝐥𝐢𝐦𝐩𝐬𝐞 𝐨𝐟 𝐔𝐬]
Summary: Years after Hawkins was saved, Nancy and Steve’s wedding draws everyone back together and with it, you are reminded of the love you lost at the price of fame. [Eddie Munson x Fem!Reader; WC: 17.4k] Warnings: language, exes to lovers, mutual pining/yearning, frightened lil beans in love, heavy angst.
A/N: I worked on this for weeks. I am very nervous to post it, and I hope you enjoy it (excuse any errors, it's time consuming loves).
What is it like to be loved?
There was something in that room that made you question it. The palpable, sudden feeling that permeated around it like a fog; a special dance that so many would be able to feel, yet it seemingly evaded you.
Her dress was beautiful. An ivory lace with sleeves that covered her soft skin. The brown of her hair so vibrant against the spring flowers she held as the chapel’s old stones warmed with the feeling reverberated with the words of the priest.
He was tall and stoic; filled with a slight fear that his true colors would show in his dark suit and dotted tie. He was joyous; he was a radiant boy filling his father’s suit and marrying the girl of his dreams.
Nancy and Steve.
For a moment, while the priest held everyone’s attention in a moment of prayer, it was quiet enough to imagine love physically filled the space before you. Head lightly dipped, the bouquet in your hand distracting you from the eyes of every person in the chapel.
A silence was asked for and responded to with grace. The silence of baseless words washing over the room in a wave of down-turned heads and folded hands. However quiet, however peaceful the room had become, that floating feeling hung from the rafters. You felt your heart sink. That heaviness of sorrow that plagued beautiful moments from a pain buried in your bones that you weren’t even sure really existed. Love. A tragic thing.
All you could ask was:
What is it liked to be loved?
Maybe it was the wedding that made you teary-eyed and soft hearted. You weren’t a hopeless romantic. You weren’t searching constantly for Mr. Right because he didn’t exist. They had shown you that, he had shown you that. Not some Marilyn Monroe waiting for the next man to sweep you off your feet and carry you into a raging bloody sunset in Los Angeles. No. The cards were dealt with precision and meaning; each turned over when the time allowed and burned when the bells tolled.
Love brewed and bubbled; love ached and pained; love existed and diminished; love stood in front of you screaming to break free but the cries fell silent—dead on the cold, stone floor.
Steve’s eyes called to Nancy like a ship lost at sea. The tears that brimmed at the corners whispered to fall after years of trauma and resolution. But they were relieved and elated and somehow, Nancy returned the sentiments with eyes elated. And it hurt to see your closest friends happy when you couldn’t be.
‘And from this day forward they would walk hand and hand into everything that You have destined them to be.’
The words echoed and echoed. The priest as happy to say them as Ted and Karen Wheeler nodded as if it were true from the pews. Steve’s parents had actually shown up too, along with hundreds of other people. Friends, coworkers, and the guests each of them brought.
‘We give our hearts and beings to You now in adoration.’
People like you didn’t give their hearts willingly. Not like Robin, not like Nancy. You weren’t sure about Max or Eleven, but perhaps they gave theirs willingly enough too as they stood beside you up on the alter. And you wanted that. You wanted to give it willingly. As their heads hung and their eyes diverted from above, there was a calling. Probably not from some higher God you weren’t sure even existed, but something—a gut feeling. One that simmered and bristled against negativity and anxiety; the same one that painfully squeezed that arduous organ in your chest. That feeling told you not to bow your head. It told you not to close your eyes and whatever it did, it made you shift your head in the slightest.
The groomsmen were just across the way beside Steve. Dustin helmed them, walking you down the aisle and reminding you that as they embraced adulthood, you were also getting older. Over one age milestone of established adulthood and half of the kids you babysat as a teenager were closer to marriage than you.
Angled perfectly with your shoulder—bare from the design of your green gown. The shape of your nose and chin and the style of your hair falling sleekly into a perfectly haloed outline as though a magician had cast their greatest spell. And when it turned just enough, where the platform was illuminated by the rays of the sun, one other head remained as perfectly crafted as yours, looking back as though the universe said: here it is.
This is what it feels like.
Those butterflies? Love. The heart bursting panic that set off inside you? Love. The painful realization that you could have it and you could nurture it with passion? Love.
It existed.
And it did so in the cruelest of forms.
Because the sheen of your eyes from the beautiful wedding and the widely spoken words of the priest meant more when staring back at the one thing you had always wanted. It was one feeling, one person, and that’s what you swore you couldn’t have.
He had chosen that for you. Six years ago in a tiny apartment on the west side of Chicago, he decided his career was more important.
He was him. He was a brilliant, foul-mouthed metal rock star with impeccable hair and sense of style that made your heart leap for quiet bursts of love. He was complicated and corny and filled with a truth you hadn’t been able to recognize because everyone else clouded life. What life could be and what it could hold.
Eddie Munson was a rock star. Eddie Munson was one of the most famous musicians in the world. Eddie Munson was a friend, a hero, and Eddie Munson was the man who broke your heart and it could never heal itself.
And yet love remained deep down.
It’s regretful nature resurfacing because love was tangible in the chapel in Nantucket.
It was love. It existed. It was real. It was palpable in that room, in his eyes, against the prayer, across the aisle and in all of the pews.
‘And we welcome Your Holy Spirit amongst us. Amen.’
And the chorus filled the room. The pews creaked and heads returned upright. You lost the sight as Steve and the others lifted their heads, but the feeling remained. It sunk to the pit of your stomach where the realization remained.
“Hey,” a hushed whisper sounded near your right ear as your body jolted minutely from the call. Robin’s head tried to follow your direction but couldn’t find the destination. There were hundreds of people in that room. But she should have known. She should have known.
“Everything alright?”
Her concern was evident. Had you been that rigid the entire time? Was the look of love one of fear? Were the tears in your eyes truly that clear?
“I’m fine, Rob. Really.”
It hadn’t convinced her but you returned your attention to the ceremony instead. Robin waited, glancing over your shoulder again and again to try to find her answer. The sentiment of conflict appearing much faster in times of clear disruption than she remembered. The feeling of the world tilting on its axis for something you couldn’t control.
Her eyes looked for the answer. Searching the crowd with an unfathomable hardened gaze until it landed back to the groomsmen and she felt everything click back into place. You had reassured Nancy and Robin that everything was fine; that you were friends. That there was no animosity nor tension remaining over the years but it had. They just wanted to believe the best, yet all the signs were there.
The way you stood so still; scared of yourself as emotions took their hold.
Six years of separation meant nothing. Its degrees scorching the earth every moment not together, bound by the universe yet torn apart by wants, not needs.
They had all believed you. They believed Eddie’s lies that he had moved on—the woman looking straight out of a Vanity Fair magazine in the fifth row the one he brought to prove such a tale.
No.
They had all been wrong.
The two of you had imploded the meaning of love because if it couldn’t exist between the two of you, it couldn’t exist at all.
Steve and Nancy wed on a Saturday in March.
The morning had greeted everyone with golden rays. Sunlight streaming in from the curtains of the Wauwinet’s rooms waking its patron’s with a sprinkle of joy. Early morning glow; warm and intoxicating on a day such as that.
You couldn’t see the beach from where you laid; the white comforter covering your shoulders high, eyes peeking out from the space between the blankets and your pillow. High above on the second floor, the sky reflected its yellow and pink hues until they faded to blue. Not a cloud in the sky.
The two days you had spent on the tiny island thus far had been a reflection of that sunrise. An excitable shimmer of beauty and grace only to fade into a familiar blue–a melancholy gloom that you hadn’t expected to feel. You stepped off the plane only to be greeted with every feeling that ran in its opposite direction; Robin and Nancy clung to you with joy, Steve and the boys, who you should probably call young men now, hugged you tightly.
And then a cloud formed.
The cloud was ugly, gray, and filled with matter you had buried deep. Years of pretending everything in your life was going smoothly–that you were exactly where you wanted to be–lingering above you like a joke. Laughing, jesting you with the past as happiness was rubbed into a wound like salt.
He had a smile plastered onto his face the first time you saw him that weekend–the night before the ‘I do’s.’ He was sitting in the wine cellar with Steve, reminiscing about the past as the future was gently placed on Nancy’s finger; sparkling against the shine of the hotel’s lighting as night had long fallen on a Friday evening.
As the thoughts lingered in your mind as the sun began to rise, it hadn’t been seeing Eddie for the first time in years that had thrown your world off its axis. The woman, clad in the most casual New England fashions, who sat beside him with her arm resting on his, did.
A petty, jealous feeling at the sight rose within you rapidly.
You felt there was no right for you to feel that way.
Six years. Six years had left an open season for both he and you to find new people to love, hate, and screw, but the idea that there was a reality that existed where Eddie no longer loved you was jarring.
The fear of it became engrained in your bones. Tattooed onto skin that was untouched and permanently stained with words that hurt and stung and ultimately resulted in the reason you had come to that wedding alone.
Eddie had scarred you–in a beautifully tragic way that you’d never be the person you were at seventeen when he asked you to go see Temple of Doom at a theater two towns over. It was a shame you’d always tie him to that film… because you really fucking liked the movie but all you could think about was how Indy left Marion in the dust and hell, you felt like Marion sometimes.
He just sat there. A gorgeous woman on his arm and smiling at Steve as though not a day had gone by. He looked older, more sure of himself, and dare you think it, had a bit more style than he did before. Nice, in a ‘formal but not too formal’ kind of way.
They were all sipping on some hundred-dollar wine. He could afford it now. Red-soled shoes, a jacket with no fringe, and a bottle of wine that cost as much as your monthly rent.
Nancy had been perched on a stool at the high-top beside Steve. The two had been going over the rehearsal that Eddie conveniently missed as well as the dinner from hours before. From what Robin had divulged, he had a show in Boston and would make his way out to Nantucket after it was over.
You didn’t think Nancy ringing your suite for drinks would mean he’d be there too.
The thunder from the cloud above you rumbled when Nancy caught your eye in the entryway.
Everything, from the clothes you wore to the company of the room, felt out of place. Like you were looking from the outside and into a world that was completely yours but never one you recalled. The people in it–sparingly familiar but strangers all the same.
Nancy had taken a sip of her wine, swallowing quickly as she perked up and waved at you. The attention drawing each eye away from Steve and to you, unwelcome and afraid of familiarity. Two looked happy, one looked curious, and the other looked like the whole world had stopped.
A moment in time paused. No calm waiters tending to guests, no heads turning toward him because he was identifiable; it was blank. Two worlds gone completely still because for the first time in six years, you and Eddie had finally converged to one place.
Some expensive hotel on Nantucket Island for a wedding between two people you both held near and dear to your hearts. It took nothing to imagine that if things had gone right, perhaps it would not be Steve and Nancy meeting at the alter tomorrow afternoon.
In the stillness, a reunion is not bound by the trivial “it’s good to see you” or “its been too long.” A mind playing funny tricks and sending you back to years before–the way his entire person disappeared beyond the bedroom door only to be followed by the slamming of the front one. An apology sputtered at the end of a fight that had been brewing for weeks.
The last time you saw Eddie Munson he had come home from a tour with no direction but up. Up to a new place, to a new life, and one that kept the past behind. Questions of love, home, and loyalty tested two people who were holding onto a fine thread before it snapped.
Now, its lingering shreds brushed together with an easterly wind.
You don’t know what he was thinking when the words stopped fumbling from his lips.
“Hey!” Steve cheered happily from his spot as Eddie went quiet. “Come on, join us!”
You felt like a fool standing there idle. Feet glued to the floor, eyes trained on Eddie a moment too long because as soon as the fifth second passed, the woman by his side asked:
“Who’s that?”
Steve said your name, waving at you the same way Nancy had, “She’s Ed–“
“My Maid of Honor!” Nancy cut in, giving the woman a smile in reassurance that it was the description most accurate to who you were. Nancy didn’t know why she cut Steve off like that; the side-eyed glance she received from him as Eddie stared back at you should have told her everything.
Not friend, not best friend, not former classmate, but Eddie’s ex-girlfriend. What a label to have.
Your planted feet begged you to move. The awkwardness of standing still for lingering seconds in time drawing eye after eye, raising questions as to whether or not you were having a medical emergency or just plain stupid. Your feet took those commands and walked, before your mind could even process that the night had continued to move forward without being truly ready to interact.
“I told you she’d join us,” Nancy hit Steve’s shoulder lightly with the back of her hand, “Can’t spend the last few hours of us together as an unmarried couple without those who brought us back together.”
Steve gave her a smile, hand squeezing her kneecap under the table because in reality, there wasn’t an ounce of a lie there. Not that any regular person would understand, but Steve had always dreamed of this moment: the night before he went to sleep one last time as an unmarried man, sipping chilled wine in an expensive hotel with his bride-to-be, his closest friends, and the reason he and Nance were at this stage.
One piece of that puzzle had gone mute, silent as though they never heard him talk. As you approached the high top that was tucked into a corner by the windows that looked out to the Atlantic Ocean, Eddie couldn’t form words. He had prepared himself for this moment for years and yet his mind had gone blank. Emotions barren from his chest like he was an empty, cavernous being and not a person. He felt nothing–like the world had been obliterated and there was only him in space; alone and helpless to save his sanity.
And if it hadn’t been so long since he last laid eyes on you, perhaps he could have recognized the same emotions bleeding out of you. That the wound had never truly closed and there was much unsaid floating around the two of you that the air was hard to breathe.
But against it all, it was you who offered the closed smile and a small:
“Hi.”
Eddie’s relief that the first words weren’t “fuck you,” or “I still hate you.” Just a simple “hi” that replayed in his mind as the seconds transpired and the ball had fallen into his court.
But those words were hard for you to even muster.
“It’s good to see you,” he settled on, not leaving his chair to wrap his arms around you or whisk you away to hear how your life has been since he left. He sat there, as still as you had in the entryway, and let you take the spot beside Nancy because it was the furthest away from his own that you could take.
Eddie had completely forgotten about the woman to his right.
No one had thought anything of the interaction. In two minds, it played out differently because the truth existed somewhere between two people unwilling to face it. For people like Nancy and Steve, there had been one story that had been told yet no one questioned the absence of the other on specific holidays, birthdays, or more.
“We broke up,” that was what you had told Nancy and he had told Steve. Word for word, the same story. “Distance was getting too hard and we thought we’d take a break. It’s better this way and we’re still friends–we we’re friends before everything so…”
For every truth, there were two lies.
Nancy flagged down the waiter, tapping on her glass and holding up two fingers. You shifted in your seat as one leg crossed over the other and glanced at the woman to Eddie’s right.
She wasn’t familiar at all. Still hanging on Eddie’s arm and fiddling with the cuff of his jacket. In all of your years together, you had never seen Eddie wear a dinner jacket.
And against your feelings, you extended your hand over the table toward her. Eddie didn’t know what to think of that. You introduced yourself.
“I don’t believe we’ve met,” he knew the voice. It was the kind someone would use on the telephone if they were talking to a co-worker or boss, not a friend.
“Veronica,” she lifted her hand from Eddie’s arm and graciously shook yours over the wine glasses; a tiny set of flickering candles beside a small relish tray beneath it. “I hear you’re the Maid of Honor?”
“As much as one can be,” you told her, eyes looking over her face and form. Eddie could see it now that you were comparing yourself to her, an unfortunate circumstance of choice. “The other bridesmaids have helped a bit with planning and what not… it’s not easy work,” you scoffed, tipping your head at Nancy and the bride shook her head with a grin.
“I promise I’m not one of those crazy brides,” Nancy jokingly defended herself to Veronica who admired the friendship before her. She knew you all of two seconds and could see how comfortable the two of you were.
“Yeah, sure…” you trailed off as the waiter returned with two new glasses of wine. You thanked him and took a long, needed sip as the white wine’s bubbles barely had time to settle.
Steve cleared his throat as you drank, glancing at Eddie before turning to you. “We were just catching him up on what went down at the rehearsal. Told ‘em that Robin tripped down the aisle so he’s gotta hold onto her tightly.”
You snickered at the memory. Robin Buckley couldn’t walk in heels even if she tried to. Nodding your head, you didn’t make eye contact with Eddie to reiterate the sentiment.
“She’ll topple over if you don’t.”
“Will do,” Eddie replied quietly, differently than he normally would have and Veronica put her hand on his arm again, rubbing it up and down as if she knew. For once, he just wished she would stop.
“We’re going to–“ Steve’s voice drowned itself out as he rattled on about the plans of tomorrows festivities.
Every now and again when you’d catch a word of Steve’s, you couldn’t help but look at Eddie. Those eyes still telling of his emotions rather than the words he spoke; wide and pupils blown from both the environment and alcohol.
You weren’t shameless about it when he caught you looking. He couldn’t help it either; it was as though he was drawn to a magnet that kept pulling him in. Just as you had observed him, everything was familiar yet strangely different. The way you held yourself, the clothes you wore, makeup and hair just enough having changed to make him notice that he didn’t know you now as he had then.
However, he still felt that hand on his jacket.
Yet he was looking at you. And he felt like a coward for thinking he’d rather have you cling to him like that then her. She, Veronica, didn’t deserve to have a man think that of her.
“Are you still in Chicago?” He blurted out over Steve’s talking. Like walking in a path of quicksand, Eddie did not want to drown before his life truly began. Steve stopped and glanced at Eddie as though his friend had a stroke.
“Mhm,” you murmured over the lip of the glass Nancy had secured for you. “Still in California?”
“Yeah, near Bell Canyon.”
“Is that…” Of course you wouldn’t have known exactly where that was. It wasn’t like you had a map inside of your brain or tracked his every movement. Based on the question on whether or not he still lived in California, he wondered if you read anything about him at all.
“It’s near Los Angeles… like suburbs of it.”
“Ah, alright,” you met his eyes briefly before taking another long sip of your wine. He could see the way you practically folded in on yourself; anxiety and fears bubbling within you the same way they used to.
“And you still live…” he trailed off in a veiled hope that the implication went unspoken. ‘At the apartment, our apartment.’
“No,” you shook your head, “I moved a few years ago… have a nice view of the lake,” the thought of it brought a small smile to your face. It was nice. It was nearly perfect.
“No more of the ‘L’ ruining your sleep?”
He saw the hint of smile play on your lips.
“It’s pretty quiet now,” for a multitude of reasons he could think of.
“That’s good,” Eddie nodded, glancing at Steve and Nancy who provided no support to make the situation any less awkward.
“So,” Veronica began with a perky voice for eleven-thirty at night, “Eddie said you all went to high school together?”
The model wore these big, curious eyes. She was kind, in a doxy kind of way but her sentiment’s with her words transcended through each of you. This woman, a date, hadn’t been a steady, familiar thing to Eddie. Anyone who knew him as close as a formal, long-term partner did, would have known about the crew from Hawkins.
“Yeah,” Steve answered as a savior, “But we weren’t all friends then… that took some time. We were all pretty different.”
Nancy hit his arm playfully, giving a scowl as Steve quirked his eyes at Eddie. The latter had simply taken the labels he was given and ran with them–a transformative play for the man with a lengthy petty crimes list and could out smoke Pablo Escobar.
“It doesn’t matter what we were like! We’re all friends now and those three–“ Nancy gestured her hand over Steve, Eddie, and yourself, “were in the same class.”
“Oh!” She beamed. “How cool! I don’t really talk to anyone from my class so it’s nice to see it works for some people.”
Everyone just gave her tight smiles. Having friends from childhood didn’t make you less of a person. It meant stronger connections and the fact that no one could say why you were all bonded so closely made things more difficult.
“And the rest of your friends?” Veronica turned her face toward Eddie who shrugged.
“In their rooms, I’m guessing. I think we got here a little late,” he chuckled.
“They know you had a commitment,” Nancy reassured him. “Besides, Dustin and the others will be just as thrilled to see you in the morning.”
“Yeah,” Steve agreed. “After the bachelor party, I didn’t think half of us would even make it here so it’ll be a nice surprise.”
Thank God for Steve and his stupid jokes. It broke some tension, a smile actually cracking Eddie’s face again and one that reached his eyes. The brown, doe-eyed ones that Robin once said made her sad were recalling that party like it was the funniest thing he had ever experienced.
‘It probably was’, you thought, ‘Steve Harrington always knew how to party.’
“So,” Veronica interjected, pointing a finger between you and Nancy, “the bachelorette party wasn’t anything to write home about?” Quick judgement.
“We went wine tasting in the Valley,” Nancy’s eyes lit up at the memory, “and then we went hiking… which in retrospect wasn’t something any of us liked.”
It was the end of summer when everyone could get together and the heat ate at each of you as the sun rose higher, the drinks flowed more, and the guides took in their amusement of each woman.
“Went to some museums, ate too much food…” you said additionally.
“El learned she was allergic to pears and Max got stung by a bee,” Nancy interjected, “and our heroes Lucas and Mike came to save the day when we got stranded in the middle of lake because the engine died on the boat we rented.”
“I think we’ll stick to spa days and cooking classes next time,” you picked up your glass, a side-eye to Nancy as she quickly agreed. Veronica perked up, still clutching Eddie’s arm.
“Who’s getting married next? You?”
She meant nothing by it. Her eyes were friendly and voice high pitched, interested in the conversation to just be a part of something more than a two-person bubble. You choked on the wine, the question startled you because it hadn’t been something you thought of in a long time.
You put the glass down as your hand went to your mouth, wiping it dry and you, unintentionally, looked from her to Eddie. Steve noticed, Nancy didn’t.
“No!” You replied a bit too loudly. “Sorry,” shaking the embarrassment from you, “I just–no. Not me. I would put money on Dustin and Suzie once they’re done at MIT… He’s loved her since he was in middle school.”
She smiled at the idea of everlasting young love. “That’s cute! Sometimes, if you know, you know, right?” And she squeezed Eddie’s arm the same way her hand squeezed your heart at the sight.
Eddie dropped his arm into his lap after her grip loosened. Her hand fell onto the table and whether she realized it or not, the rejection she felt showed on her face.
“How did you two meet?” Nancy picked an olive with a toothpick from the small dish on the table. Veronica peered at Eddie to answer but he wasn’t going to.
“At an event for our agency a couple…three? months back.”
Three months.
“Cool,” Steve mumbled as he followed Nancy’s lead and took one of the pickles from the tray. “So what are you? An agent? Model...?”
“I model for magazines, yeah,” she nodded and focused her hands at the base of her wine glass. You watched Veronica tap her white nails on the table cloth before bringing them back to the foot. “Sometimes do commercials or videos and stuff.”
Steve sat back in his chair; a thought pondered in his mind as he watched your eyes divert from the table and out the window to your left. It was dark, you couldn’t see anything beyond ten feet. The arm that had been taken off the table now sat at Eddie’s side with his hand in his lap. He had taken his thumb and twisted at the ring that rested on his ring finger–the one with a dark stone he had worn since forever.
The groom reflected back to his bachelor party, three weeks ago, and how Eddie made no mention of Veronica but very drunkenly admitted something he didn’t want to see the light of day.
Buried; six feet deep with the memories he had locked away in Pandora’s box. There was key to unlock them, let them fly away and spread like stars in the sky but it was booze and a little bit of weed that truly let them sing.
Steve wasn’t sure if Eddie realized what he had told him that night.
The way he was twisting his rings made him think that if he didn’t, Eddie was at least thinking the same thing now.
“You know,” Steve crossed his arms as he leaned back, glancing at Veronica first before allowing his eyes to wander to you, then Eddie. “If you asked me a few years ago if I thought that Eddie, Eddie Munson, would be dating a supermodel… I would have laughed.”
Veronica chuckled, a light blush forming on the balls of her cheeks as Eddie shook his head. It was Steve’s tone that made you turn to him.
“Not really your type, dude,” Steve said and the woman’s face went flat. The chuckle cease and Nancy forgot how to breathe for a second. Maybe Steve had too much to drink, maybe he was done for the night, and if she whisked him away now, he wouldn’t be hung over for the wedding.
“Come on, man…” Eddie shifted his head to the side, glaring at Steve to knock-it-off before things crossed a line he wasn’t prepared for. Eddie thought himself a jackass sometimes but he never wanted others to feel uncomfortable.
“No offense, Veronica,” Steve held out his hand as if saying ‘I don’t mean anything by it.’ “It’s just…” He clicked his tongue, “you want the best for your friends, right? And for the last decade or more I’ve never seen you fawn over the looks of a model.”
“Steve,” you interjected, providing the same look Eddie had given him because he was trying to open that box. “Stop being an asshole.”
You turned to Veronica, “he’s just a little drunk, that’s all.” Nancy supported it with a smile and put her hand on Steve’s shoulder.
Steve laughed at your words like it was the funniest thing he had ever heard. “That’s kind of rich coming from you.”
“I think we should–“ Nancy began but Steve leaned forward on his elbows.
“You like Lord of the Rings, Veronica? Or ever go to a thrift store and absolutely wreck the clothes you bought? Play D and D?” She looked confused so Steve stopped, “Dungeons and Dragons? Like the game? No? How about drugs? Do you do those?”
“Steve! Fuck man…” Eddie hit Steve’s shoulder, “I think we’re a little past a buzz, huh?”
“Tell me, Eddie,” Steve took the whack to his shoulder in stride, “You’re not thinkin’ what I’m thinkin’?”
“I don’t know what you’re thinkin’ about.”
“Okay,” Steve drug the ‘a’ out of the word, “fine!” He looked to you, “are you thinking what I’m thinking then? And when I said it’s funny, I meant in you defending her when–“
“Jesus Christ, Steve!” Eddie said loudly, “would you just shut the fuck up for once! I was so worried about us getting into it,” he threw a hand up and motioned between the two of you, “but you took that and ran right the fuck away with it!”
As Eddie argued with Steve, you turned to Nancy.
“I think you better take him to his room,” you saw how mortified she was, “or I can call up Lucas and Dustin to come get him too?”
“I’ve got him,” she took your hand and held it tightly. “He’s just up-“
“—OH!” Steve’s voice cut through hers, “like you’re not giving ‘fuck me eyes’ to each other! Goddammit! It’s like living with divorced parents! No wonder you switch off holidays!” Steve pointed at you, “was that your idea? I bet it was.”
“Wait,” Veronica cut in after Steve’s ‘divorced parents’ comment, “did you two date?” her eyes flicking between Eddie and yourself. Her question went unanswered as Steve continued his tirade.
“And Dustin reassured me there wouldn’t be an issue!”
“There wasn’t an issue until you brought it up!” Eddie said pointedly. You downed the rest of your wine in one gulp and Nancy hopped off her chair as people started to go quiet at the surrounding tables.
“Please!” Steve lamented, “you got fuckin’ plastered in Miami and told me and the boys that you wished it was you gettin’ married not me!”
“When the hell did I say that?” Eddie furrowed his brows, voice still loud and defensive. Nancy shrugged on her cardigan that was on the back of her chair, Veronica looked befuddled, and you felt like you blanched. Even if they couldn’t see it, you felt it.
“At the shitty strip club!” Not something he should have shouted in a place like this. “You got all weird and drank yourself to pieces because, and I quote,” Steve said crazed, “the wedding makes you fucking sad and you didn’t know how to handle it.”
“Oh fuck you, man,” Eddie soured, rolling his eyes at Steve as Nancy grabbed his arm gently.
“Steve, come on,” she coaxed him, “we better get going.”
“If you want to convince people you don’t still love each other,” Steve chided, “then maybe stop acting like the world will fall apart the moment you walk into a room.”
“Wait,” Veronica added again, shaking her head in misunderstanding, “still love each other? When did this happen?”
“We don’t love each other,” Eddie answered for both of you without a second to spare. “And it won’t fall apart! Look! We’re here now!” He motioned his hand between the two of you across the table again but didn’t look at the way you listened to every word like you had when you fought in the kitchen that horrible evening.
“Yeah,” Steve nodded as if he didn’t believe Eddie in the slightest, “Swear on Dustin? On your… shit… I don’t know, guitar!? Say that to her face and tell her like you didn’t just tell me you make a fucking mistake years ago.”
Mistake.
There were two paths of a mistake.
One, where his choice to follow his career without you was a mistake because it wasn’t as it seemed or it wasn’t complete without you; or two, that being with you entirely was a mistake because it clouded his wants for his future.
Eddie sighed, head bowing as he ran a hand over his face and through his hair before coming up again.
“Do you really want this to be how you remember the night before you get married?” Eddie asked Steve as the groom sat there with his bride clutching his arm in a pleading motion to exit the wine cellar.
“Do you want this to be how you remember the day you chickened out on being a man for once?”
Steve knew it cut deep. The wound open and bleeding for all to see as Eddie’s face scoured into the in-between of pissed off and irate.
“Go, Steve,” Eddie said flatly, “Big day tomorrow. Don’t want to be late.”
Nancy gave you a supportive, closed lip smile as Steve finally got off his chair and walked to the door. She let him leave first.
“I’m sorry about him…” She laughed with embarrassment, “He’s just overwhelmed with everything.” And Nancy wasn’t telling you or Eddie that, but Veronica.
“It’s alright,” she told her kindly in reply, “wedding’s aren’t wedding’s without a little drama, right?”
For that, Nancy was grateful. She looked between you and Eddie–still separated by the table yet the string still bristled.
“Be in the bridal suite by nine, okay?” She told you, “and I think the guys are getting ready at like ten so, don’t sleep in.”
“Got it,” from Eddie and a “yeah, okay,” from you.
“Sorry again,” Nancy apologized, leaving to go scold Steve as the table now sat quiet and awkward.
The flames flickered as the noises from other tables now filled the void of conversation at your own. Veronica tapped her glass, yours sat empty, and Eddie was still facing the empty seat where Steve had been.
“So,” Veronica pursed her lips, “you two dated then?”
You bit the inside of your cheek. It provided her the answers of why Eddie had been acting the way he had and the conciseness of dialogue that existed amongst you. The way he gazed, the way you diverted it; his own curiosity and knowledge of the sound of the elevated train that impacted your sleeping and the way the admittance that Eddie now lived in a suburb sent you the wrong way.
Even then, you glanced at Eddie to see if he’d answer. She was his guest, after all. He turned back around in his seat–back flush against the chair, shoulders slouched.
“Yes,” he treaded carefully, “we did.”
“For how long?” It may have been worse that she said none of it with malice.
Eddie flicked his eyes from where they were trained on the table top to you. And fuck, they sucked you right back in and spit you right back out.
“About eight years…” You told her, ready to flee.
“That’s a long time,” she nodded to reaffirm her words. “And you lived together?”
“Mhm,” Eddie hummed as if he didn’t want her to know every detail of his life. He looked down at the table. “For four years of it.”
“More like three,” you mumbled passively, pushing your wine glass forward on the table.
“Four,” Eddie said firmly and his eyes shot back up to you. Sensitive subject, you suppose. He remembered every word you had said to him that evening and the comments about his time spent at home stuck. “Four,” he reiterated.
“Tell me, when was the last time you were excited to come home?”
You didn’t forget your words either.
Your expression pinched; eyebrows shooting up for a brief second before your head cocked to the side with silent words. You weren’t going to embarrass yourself or this table any further by getting into a spat with Eddie over something as trivial as years spent in a shabby apartment in Chicago.
The wine glass was already pushed; two chairs empty as bed appeared to be the best option to end the night. A soft, hotel pillow to help you replay every image your mind could remember from what you had, what you lost, and what had just happened.
You hated that. But it was better than arguing with someone you didn’t want to argue with.
Breathing in a deep, sharp breath, you retracted your gaze from Eddie and gave Veronica the softest one you could muster.
“It was good to meet you,” you told her. It wasn’t her fault Eddie took your heart and ran away with it. “I hope Steve’s little scene didn’t scare you off. He can be a drama queen when he drinks.”
“All good,” she gave a tight smile that didn’t meet her eyes. “Happens to the best of us.”
“So it does,” you replied, giving her a nod before sliding off your chair and letting the space return to two. Eddie’s sigh was loud; the way he closed his eyes in frustration hadn’t gone unnoticed.
As you passed on her side exiting the corner table, you put a hand on the table when your feet came to a stop. Veronica looked at you curiously and waited for another ball to drop on her toes but it didn’t.
“Don’t let him smoke a whole pack, alright? Won’t do any of us good if he does.”
And then you walked away.
Veronica had only been romantically linked to Eddie for three months. She hadn’t seen any side of him that resembled the man sat beside her before and from what she knew, Eddie was not a smoker. The only comment that had surprised her more than the outburst from the groom was when Steve admitted Eddie had become hammered from the booze and weed at his bachelor party.
But before you could escape the wine cellar fully, Eddie turned around in his seat and shouted your name across the restaurant.
In a full, obnoxious manner that reminded you of the boy you had fallen in love with in high school.
“I quit. Six years ago.”
When the sun rose to its blue hue and the reminder of the night before replayed in your mind like a fresh, unadulterated film, there was a conflict brewing within you.
The idea of love.
Love was precious; an almost a forgettable thing when the daily grind became too much for simplistic thought yet it was what people craved the most. To love, to be loved. On a day like that–where there was not a raincloud in sight and when two people were joining each other in matrimony bound by the tethers of love–it was hard not to think about how the feeling evaded you.
It touched you once.
It gripped its claws into your flesh and left fatal wounds in its wake, yet you desired it so. Love, the splendid little thing that meant mountains but fell to cavernous trenches.
You don’t know which part of Eddie you had fallen in love with first. Juvenile, childish love was innocent at seventeen. As you grew older and the complications of adulthood and circumstance of living in Hawkins transformed life, the reasons for loving him changed too.
It wasn’t always about how he could make you laugh or the way his eyes were so expressive; the comfort he brought or the way he helped you love yourself through him loving you in return.
It was doing the dishes together at the end of a long night. Falling asleep on the couch because making it to the bed after one of his gigs was too exhausting, but he’d wake up in the early hours of the morning and make sure you’d both end up there anyway. How Eddie made time for everyone and everything until life stopped allowing him to do so.
It was moments where you and Eddie would be waiting for the train at Clinton station and he’d link his finger with yours because winter gloves constricted full hand movements.
Those times made you hate what love often resolved itself with: pain and bitter resentment that life was cruel.
And the clock ticked away as you thought of it.
When Nancy put her veil on, Robin was the first to cry. Then Max, then Eleven, and Karen was close behind them all. You stayed for a few minutes before excusing yourself to the hallway because the sight painted you blue.
You felt horrid for feeling bitter when Nancy’s fairytale was not an hour away.
In the hallway, there was a series of doors that led to varying rooms. Ones that held the groomsmen and Steve, one for the flower girl and ring bearer’s families. It was decorated with seaside decor of light yellows, blues, and whites. A table down ten feet and across the way had a mirror hung above it cased in gold.
The woman in the reflection was one you neglected to see for a long while. The apparent dissatisfaction of your own circumstance on a day filled with joy riddled on every feature. A necklace clutched in your palm feeling the brunt of sweat and aggravation as Eddie filled your thoughts again.
You wanted to love him, to be loved by him. You tried to hook the clasp. Missed.
Why couldn’t you just move on and be happy with someone else? Again, the clasp dug into your finger. Missed.
Could you even remember what it truly felt like to be loved?
The clasp evaded you. It was mocking, laughing as you struggled in the hallway mirror and began to sweat the idea that you’d never be able to secure it. Heaving a deep sigh in the mirror, you clutched the necklace in your hand and leaned against the table with two fists.
“Get it fucking together,” you told yourself quietly.
Regaining your posture, you tried again, ignoring the sounds of a hall door opening and closing down the way. Your fingers trembled as the clasp caught air once more.
“You need help with that?”
You stared at your reflection and pretended not to see where he had stopped. Jaw tense, you shook your head and attempted the connection for the tenth time.
When you missed again, he scoffed.
“Give it to me,” he held out his hand palm up, ready to take it from your timid fingers and do it for you. “Come on,” Eddie egged on.
“I don’t need help,” you told him.
“Yes, you do,” he said pointedly. He could see the indentations of the small lever on your index finger. “Just let me help you.”
He wasn’t going to leave. Your eyes met in the mirror and he rose his brows expectantly. More hesitantly than he wished, you held out the necklace and let it ring into his palm. A nod from your head gave him the assent he needed.
In the silence of the hallway, you felt squeezed—both your mind and heart. Eddie moved to stand behind you and you could barely breathe; the simple gesture of helping you put on a necklace far more harrowing than previously realized. He was so close. So close. His fingers trailed to the back of your neck, brushing away the hair with his fingertips and letting it fall where it would not infringe the task.
You couldn’t bear to look at him. Focused on the sconces beside the mirror, you tried not to enjoy the feeling of his hands on you for the first time in half a decade. You tried not to remember the way his touch intoxicated you; every stroke and graze intentional as his eyes watched you struggle.
Eddie lifted his arms above your head and let the jewelry fall onto your collarbone. You wondered if his heart was beating as fast as yours.
“How does she look?” Nancy. His voice was low, quiet in the hall to not disturb the others getting ready. You hadn’t even taken him in yet.
The suits Steve chose were all black, form-fitting with ties instead of bow ties. The pocket squares were filled with a white handkerchief, and the shoes were a clean, shiny black. On his lapel, a single rose was pinned.
“She looks beautiful,” you replied but still wouldn’t look at him. You heard the clasp make it. The necklace sat firm but his hands did not move. They lingered, tracing the line of the back of your neck to the tops of your shoulders.
“You look beautiful.”
You didn’t want him to say that.
“Don’t say that,” you replied morosely.
“Why?” Eddie’s fingers brushed the necklace’s golden chain. “It’s true.”
The bottom of your lip trembled dangerously.
“Because you can’t say that.”
“But I did,” he sounded hopeful which dug into that wound a bit further.
“You brought a date.”
“Why won’t you look at me?” He whispered, fingers still gliding. He said your name softly, “look at me, please. Talk to me.”
You felt your heart constrict, sending a shuttered breath through you and your eyes blinked rapidly. There was no way in Hell you would let Eddie see you cry. He had moved on. He brought a date. A goddamn runway model that, in your opinion, ran circles around you in every way from the top of your head to the tips of your toes.
“I need to go,” you stepped away from him, shaking your head and jetting off down the hall. “I’m sorry.”
He called your name once, twice, but you ignored him. You grasped the golden handle with a heavy hand, breathing unsteady as he stood in the distance in your peripheral. As though the world stood still again, Eddie felt that he had broken through. You would turn, talk to him, and let him relish in the company of you.
Yet, you grasped that handle tighter.
But, you did turn.
And when you opened the door back to the dressing room, it wasn’t only you whose memories transported you back to the night in Chicago that plagued your mind, but Eddie too. Straight back as he made his way to the men’s dressing room in the opposite direction.
“Stop being such an asshole!” You stood in the kitchen, hands clutching the sink as the anger seethed out of you. Eddie paced in the living space just beyond the island to your right.
“What do you want me to say, huh?” He threw his arms up in defeat. “For once in my life things are finally looking up and people just don’t get signed to a label and expected not to do—” he fumbled his words, “everything that comes with it!”
“I’m not asking you to give up music, Eddie!“
“Then what are you asking me?” He craned his head to the side, hands on his hips and breathing hard. “I can’t work from here. I have to go there and the least you could do is come with me.”
The least you could do. The least you could do.
You tossed the dish rag that had been strangled in your grip into the sink, focusing on the window positioned across from it and scoffed. A view of the goddamn ‘L’ train tracks you despised.
“Well I can’t just get up and move,” you said as calmly as you could. “Why is it so easy for you to ask that of me but when I bring up what I want, it becomes a problem for you?”
Eddie shook his head, hair mused as he ran a hand over it. “I don’t make it a problem, baby.”
“Yes, you do!” You laughed exasperatedly. “You just fucking said—“ a frustrated groan left your lips and you bounded off the sink and faced him from behind the counter. “It’s not like this is Hawkins; it’s goddamn Chicago and I’ll be dammed if there isn’t a music producer in one of those skyscrapers.”
“They’re not like they are out there. If we want any chance to make music–actually make music of our own that sells platinum records and wins awards–those producers are out there,” he pointed to the door as if it signified a world beyond this one.
“What? So, it’s all about money?”
“No! But hell, if that isn’t a major part of it I’d be lying!”
“And what about our home here?” You put your hands on the counters ledge and the nails on your fingertips motioned against it with rhythmic clicks. “Everything we’ve built here goes to shit because of one possible record deal?”
“It’s not just one deal,” Eddie groaned your name in frustration, “It’s the only deal and this… this here,” he motioned around the apartment, “was only ever temporary.”
News to you.
“Like Hawkins was. This isn’t really home.”
“Not home?” You furrowed your brows at him. “Then where the hell do you think it is? You bolted from Hawkins the second you got the chance and as far as I am concerned, this is my home. You see those pictures on the wall?”
You tipped your head in the direction of the wall that the couch sat up against. Above it was a collage of frames that held so many memories. From Nancy to Max, from Steve to Mike, everyone was on that wall.
“Those people helped us find this one.”
“Well,” he shook his head, “they can help us find another in California. There are people out there, baby. Real goddamn people that know just what we need.”
Not you, Corroded Coffin. What they needed.
“It’s not going to find us all the way out here.”
“Tell me, when was the last time you were excited to come home?”
He had been traveling the world with Corroded Coffin for a year and a half. In all of that time, he had come home for approximately two months. Eight weeks out of seventy-eight. This wasn’t the first fight about it; he had changed. The stronghold fame was suffocating him and was the very thing drawing you apart.
“Hm?” You hummed as he diverted his eyes to the apartment door.
“I’m here now.”
“That wasn’t my question, Eddie,” the ground rumbled beneath you. The way his eyes darted to the door as if it were calling him to leave. Foundation cracked and crumbled, fragmenting as the words threatened to tumble out. “Do you even want to be here?”
“If I didn’t want to be here, I wouldn’t be here, yeah?” He looked annoyed, lips nearly flattened. That’s how you knew he was angry. Angry at life, at you, at the world.
“Eddie,” you pleaded softly in one last attempt to salvage the broken platform, “stop lying to me.”
“I’m not lying.”
“Yes, you are!” You breathed in deeply, thinking of the unthinkable questions that pondered in your mind. “I’m not asking you to stay because I don’t want you to follow your dreams—you twisted my words—but why can’t I be the selfish one and want to stay here? You’ll have more money, you can visit and we— “
Can work it out. It was already over when he said he had been signed that godforsaken deal.
He said your name dejectedly. It hung there in the air as if saying ‘stop trying.’ You felt a lump form in your throat as you looked him, already decided in what he wanted because he was going after his dream. Halfway there, this was his out.
The tears gathered at the sides of your eyes, “you don’t even try.”
Eddie always had something to say but he couldn’t form words in that moment.
“What?” You steeled your wet eyes on him, “can’t even say that you had? Or that you were? Eddie, I’ve been doing this alone for so long that I don’t even remember the last time you told me you loved me and you meant it.”
That set him off. He pointed a bitter finger at you. “I always mean it when I say it. Don’t play that card.”
“Card!?” You cried, “I’m not trying to guilt trip you into staying but you don’t mean it! Eight weeks! Eight weeks in a fucking year and a half and you expect me to get up and throw my life away for you?”
“I was on tour! Halfway across the goddamn world!”
“Exactly!” You exclaimed, turning away from him and trying to escape to the bedroom but you could hear his heavy feet following.
“Stop it,” he said your name over and over as you gripped the door and tried to close it. He pressed his palm against it with a hard slap and pushed it against the wall with a deafening thud. “Would you just stop!”
“For Fuck’s Sake!” You yelled, “I can’t move! I don’t want to move! I have a lease, a good job, and I want to stay here and build my future!”
“You can have that in California!” He yelled back.
His eyes were wide, trying to pretend the antithesis of the fracture was anything less than his career.
“No, I can’t!”
“Why not!?”
“Because of you! You don’t want what I do!” You screamed at him, voice breaking as you cried and realized that this was the end. Eddie would move out to California and you’d be left in a tiny apartment in Chicago alone.
“I want a family, Eddie. I want to raise kids here or in the stupid suburbs, and grow old here. You want to be a—” you swallowed hard, cheeks wet and eyes getting puffy, “—rock star and those lives don’t mix. They just don’t.”
He was only twenty-five. He didn’t really know what he wanted from life.
“You don’t want to be here. That’s why you haven’t come home and I get it, I do. The band is growing, you’re popular, you have a million women to choose from, but I can’t keep pretending that my wants have to be ignored for you to succeed.”
“Are you saying I’ve ignored you?”
“You tell me, Eddie,” you shrugged, “how would you feel if the person you loved most was gone for months only to be reassured that everything was fine by a phone call every few days?”
He let his head tip to the floor, eyes closed because although many of the cracks stemmed from his choices, this wasn’t what he wanted. Eddie wanted to be happy, to be in love and be loved. But he was at the precipice of being what he always wanted and decisions had to be made.
Callous and resentful decisions.
“Do you hate me?” Eddie’s eyes spurred something in him. A hatred for himself, a despised feeling growing that a part of him that had always been missing—family—was being ripped away for a dream.
“I don’t hate— “
“Yes, you do,” he looked up, giving you a knowing look as his bottom lip trembled.
“No, I don’t. But I’m hurt and I don’t think you see that.”
“So,” he cleared his throat, breath hitching in his chest, “this is it then? We’re just going to give up?”
“I didn’t give up, Eddie,” you needn’t say the rest to indicate that he had. “We just want different things.”
“No, we don’t.”
“Yes, we do,” you shook your head, sitting down on the edge of the bed with your face turned away from him. “Right now we do and it’s not doing anything for either of us.”
It was quiet for a few minutes. Minutes. A thick fog fell over the room; marinating in every picture, the clothes folded away in the dresser, the shampoo in the shower, the two dinner plates half-cleaned in the sink. Domesticity wasn’t enough. Love wasn’t enough.
You weren’t sure how long it had been, but Eddie’s socked feet moved from the spot he stood in and approached the bed—carefully and freely. He knelt down, hands on the outsides of both your thighs and his thumbs rubbed the tops of them gently, the pressure soothing when it shouldn’t have been through your jeans.
“I want you to be happy…” he swallowed thickly as he chose his words gently. There was no point in trying to stop you from crying when he couldn’t do so himself. “I want you to have what you want, sweetheart… and if I can do that… someday… we’ll find each other again.”
“Eddie…” Your heart ached as you shook your head. Hope was the killer of it all.
Hope that perhaps one day you’ll find each other again; that you’d both be free to choose the paths that crossed while maintaining your own personalities and careers without giving one up. Hope that a future existed when the flame was extinguished on a cold evening in Chicago.
“I’m sorry,” he rubbed your thighs tenderly.
“Me too.”
“I love you,” he said softly as if were one last confession. The tears were quietly flowing when you leaned forward, cupping the back of his head with your hands and resting your forehead on his own.
Just to hold him one last time.
“I love you too.” He left the apartment an hour later and it was the last time you had seen him. No contact, no cards, and no one, in the group of friends you shared, brought up the other on purpose.
The reception was noisy.
Like a zoo full of animals that were awakened by a whistle only they could hear; sounds of song’s you hadn’t heard since high school played from the small band the Wheeler’s had insisted on just beyond the designated space for dancing. Dustin, Lucas, Mike, and Will were losing it on the floor since the second a Michael Jackson song emitted its first few strings.
Steve and Nancy were hand in hand greeting guests at their tables as others made their way to the bar, dessert table, or chatted with drinks in their hands.
At the head table, El and Max were positioned at the end talking in whispers about the people in the room and you sat like a lone duck near the center of it. An abundance of flowers in white and yellow flanked the table before you, empty dishes and scattered bags and goods littered its table top. Mike left a pack of cigarettes in his spot while Dustin’s best man speech was crumbled in a quarter-fold beside his sweating glass of coke.
Time had left you behind; sitting solemn at your best friend’s wedding while everyone else put on their best smiles and grinned their way through the evening. And maybe that’s what observation had led you to believe, that you looked as though you were wallowing in self-pity for an absence of love in your life. Loveless at an event so full of it.
You fiddled with the necklace absent mindedly.
The room of excitable tunes slowed.
Couples–married and not, grabbed their partners for a dance. Robin and Eddie were standing near the center of the room beside the table that all the parents were at when Veronica slid next to Eddie, her hand slinking down his arm and into his palm as she nodded to the growing group on the dance floor.
Hours ago, you had looked back at him when he pleaded with you to stay. Now, as his hand was gripped by a woman he wasn’t sure why he had even invited, Eddie looked back from the center of the room and to the head table where you sat.
Veronica pulled him away before he could make a choice.
Robin leaned against one of the chairs, watching as Eddie trailed behind the woman in orange. She did not realize Joyce and Hopper were still sitting at the table she rested against.
“What the hell was that?” Hopper voiced, hand pointing in Eddie’s direction like a finger gun. He had a mustache that was perfectly trimmed and highlighted his frown well. Joyce crossed her arms with scrutiny.
Robin shrugged, sighing as she turned around and pulled out a chair to sit at the table. “Two idiots in love, I think.”
“Jesus,” Hopper scratched his forehead, “I knew it was a bad idea…” he mumbled as he watched Eddie pretend to be interest in what the woman was telling him as they danced.
“What?” Robin shook her head, “What was a bad idea?”
“Them breaking up!” He said as if it were obvious. “I got a call from one of the bartenders at The Hideout that there was a scuffle goin’ on one Friday night a few years ago and when I got there, Eddie was there just fuckin’ bombed on the sidewalk.”
Joyce nodded along to his words because she had heard the story before. Robin listened intently as Hopper continued.
“I couldn’t understand a word he was sayin’ so I put him in the truck and offered to drive him to her parents’ house because that’s where they always stayed when they came to town and he just… cried. Drunk and sobbing his goddamn eyes out in the front of my truck.”
“Was this recent or…?” Robin pondered.
“No,” Hopper shook his head, “years back but he was goin’ on about how he was a bad boyfriend and they broke up and he was moving to California in a few days… I just thought to myself ‘shit, man, I have never seen someone so bent out of shape from a breakup.’ Those two… If it weren’t Steve and Nancy gettin’ hitched, I would have bet money on it that it was them instead.”
“Every Tuesday he’d pick her up from Melvald’s and take her out. He had flowers for her every time,” Joyce recalled. “I asked her about it once,” she nodded and looked at how you watched Eddie with the other woman, “she said that he never had a good example of what it meant to be a good boyfriend. I guess his dad was a piece of shit,” Hopper hummed a knowledgeable assurance that she was right. “And he wanted to be the only example he could think of–be that good guy that she deserved.”
“I didn’t know that,” Robin said quietly.
“I told him he needed to fly back to Chicago and fix things,” Hopper added, “but I guess he was too beaten up about it; probably thought she’d slam the door in his face.”
“Doubt it,” Robin snorted, “I don’t think they’re idiots,” she corrected herself, “I think they know exactly what the other one is thinking but are too scared to get hurt again if it doesn’t work out.”
Hopper scooted his chair back, adjusting his pants and jacket as he stood from the table. “Well, then we’ll just have to make it happen–or,” he clarified, “get them in the same spot.”
Robin swiveled in her chair as Hopper rubbed Joyce’s shoulder as he passed behind her, heading straight for the head table and directly to you.
Jim Hopper wasn’t a man that could be missed in a crowd of hundreds. His bulky frame that towered over guests and moved about the room like a boulder in grass drew your eyes to the movement immediately. He passed by Max and Eleven at the end of the table, never missing the opportunity to pat the girl he raised into a wonderful young lady on the head.
It was a nice distraction from Eddie and Veronica swaying to a melodic tune.
“Hey kid,” Hopper pulled out the chair beside you labeled with a table marker for ‘Robin Buckley.’
You gave him a closed smile. “Hi Chief.”
“I guess I can’t really call you ‘kid’ anymore,” he groaned, chuckling as he sat down with an ache all older men his age did. “I blink and you all grow up… makes me feel like a real old man,” and then he gave you that sly, side grin that made you wish Hopper was your dad instead of the one you had.
“You’re not old, Hopper,” he managed to pull a small laugh from your lips. The dejected film washing away for a brief second in time.
“Well,” he cleared his throat as he put an elbow on the table and adjusted himself in the seat to face you, “that makes me feel a little better about my age. So,” Hopper gave a pointed look that answered the hundreds of questions as to what Robin was chatting to him and Joyce about, “what are you sitting all the way over here for? Don’t want to chat or dance?”
“Just tired,” you told him, “Nance didn’t pick the most sensible shoes.”
“Robin took hers off; I’m sure you can do the same.”
“And walk barefoot on this floor?” You snorted. “Never.”
He shared the amusement before turning his gaze to the groups of people beyond the tables as they danced. A goddamn direct view. ‘Cruel,’ he thought. And surpassing the stone of the church from hours before, the beach where it trickled rain as photos were snapped for scrapbooks forever, and the smells of delicious food filled his belly before reaching his mouth, Jim Hopper felt the love that filled the room.
It touched him, as it had you and everyone else on the wedding weekend of Steve and Nancy Harrington.
Joyce was attempting to occupy Robin in conversation but every time Jim’s eyes met hers, he knew they were both far too curious and nosey to not be gossiping about longstanding drama that befuddled even the most romantically inclined.
The woman that restored his faith in the prospect of love and devotion had witnessed the earliest of your own. Tuesday’s at the local mart, the way Eddie would hold the door for you and attempt to steal magazine’s off the rack just to get your attention. How Eddie drove you around when your car was in the shop and eventually, would take the little rascals of Hellfire with for soda and snacks before their campaigns began–but also because he wanted to see you if even for a minute.
Although people often judged the idea of love at a young age, Jim and Joyce both recognized its honesty between Eddie and yourself. It was pure, unadulterated, and basked in a light that only belonged to the longevity of companionship.
“You know, the moment I knew I loved Joyce, I thought I’d never get her.”
Hopper could see Eddie and his date having their own conversation, whatever it may have been, because a blank face melted from one of an increasing lack of emotion, to one of strife.
“And when I did, I thought she’d see a different man than the one I believed I was.”
“She would have been blind not to see the real you, Hopper,” Joyce smiled at you as you caught her eyes. “You always tried to help us be the best versions of ourselves and she did too. If that’s not a perfect match, I don’t know what is.”
“Are you the best version of yourself now?” He questioned, tapping his finger onto the white tablecloth of the table. “Weddings can be… sobering… but I don’t think I’ve ever seen a person look as distant as you.”
“Flattery never was your strong suit, Hopper,” you grimaced, “and I’m fine,” you weren’t fine. “You didn’t have to come save me from myself.”
“So, there aren’t a million thoughts swimming around in that mind of yours? I know I’m not the most intuitive dad there is but believe me when I say I’ve been trained to know when somethin’ just quite ain’t right.”
“I have hundreds of thoughts racing through my brain. ‘Why is the cake so far away?’ ‘Rob and Joyce can stop staring at me any second now,’ and perhaps my favorite thought, ‘why does Jim Hopper care about my state of mind?” Combative. He knew the signs.
“Maybe Jim Hopper knowns that the girl deep down inside of you just needs to heal,” he said honestly. “But there is only one way to heal what’s been lost and let me tell you, it’s not going to come waltzing on down here as you sit and mope.”
“It’s ridiculous, isn’t it?” You scoffed at yourself, “that this wedding has only made me jealous about what I don’t have.”
“I don’t think you’re jealous, kid,” Hopper deflated, “I think you’re realizing a mistake was made somewhere along the lines of your own life.”
Mistake. It was that goddamn word again.
“There’s been no mistake,” you shook your head at him, “everything has played out the way it was meant to.”
“And you really believe that?”
“There had been nothing in my life to prove me otherwise.”
“And lying was never your strong suit, kid,” he put on his ‘dad’ face. “You don’t have to talk to me, fine, but if I asked to be the first person to ask for a dance tonight, would you say no?”
How could you deny Jim Hopper, Police Chief and hero of Hawkins, Indiana? You couldn’t. Even if you were flailing for support in an ocean of heartache, sparing one dance for the man was cinch. He rose from the chair, holding out his arm in hopes that you would link yours through his and entertain him one dance as Steve and Nancy added themselves to the pairs on the dance floor and swayed gently to a new song.
His stature would block a view you’d rather not see.
“You may be the only person to ask me to dance,” you joined him on your feet. “I can’t say no to you, Chief.”
“That’s the spirit, kid.”
“Why did you bring me here?”
Veronica’s voice cut through the music as couples and pairs settled onto the dance floor with the melodic hum of a song playing through sets of speakers. Instead of dancing like an adult, she had flung both her arms over Eddie’s shoulders and linked her hands behind his head. He had no choice other than to put his hand at her waist; the fabric of her orange dress was coarse under his fingertips.
“I asked you to come,” Eddie replied. “I thought I told you that last night.”
Ah, yes. Last night; where Steve made a scene about Eddie’s lingering feelings of letting another woman go while she sat beside him with the best intentions.
Veronica did not know Eddie Munson–the guy who grew up on the wrong side of the tracks by fate, the one who had a strange group of friends that shared varying interests and ran in different social circles, or someone who threw everything he had into a career he realized wasn’t as glamorous as the cameras and magazines made it out to be.
He cursed those Rolling Stone magazines he scoured when he was a bit too early for closing time of Melvald’s.
“Yeah,” Veronica said as if that hadn’t mattered in the slightest, “and here you are, barely even touching me or sparring me a second look. You know I had to sit by some stoner guy for dinner and they didn’t believe you could bring someone like me.”
Eddie narrowed his eyes, taken aback by her comment. “What’s that supposed to mean? Those are good people. And I was a huge fuckin’ stoner once too.”
“That’s not what I meant,” she shook her head, “I mean, they didn’t see me with you. Not because of who I am or who you are, but because it wasn’t right.”
“You know,” Eddie lowered his voice when he caught the eye of Dustin dancing with Suzie not two feet away from him, “you’re sounding an awful lot like someone who’s about to dump someone else.”
“Would that be such a bad thing?” Her eyebrows quirked as she tipped her head to the side. “Why waste more time on me?”
Even if his heart raced in another direction, the sound of someone saying that to Eddie was bothersome.
“Please don’t say that,” he said, “you’re not a waste of time.”
“But for someone else’s love, I am,” Veronica’s lips extended into a thin line. “That’s not a bad thing, Eddie… It just means I’m not the one for you.”
The chords of the music sobered him.
Across the room, sitting desolate at the dinner table, his heart called.
“Afford me this dance,” Veronica continued, “and when the time comes, do what makes you happy, however difficult that may be. She may not run into your arms as she once did,” as the motions swayed the pair, she faced the table as Jim Hopper approached. “That doesn’t mean love doesn’t exist.”
She felt Eddie’s shoulder’s deflate from the tension he had been holding in the entire day–nay, two days–since the prospect of you had become a reality.
“I abandoned her,” Eddie admitted quietly to her, “like a fucking ragdoll for some dream that really isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be.”
Veronica did not know every detail. She did not know the exact history, nor did she fully grasp the levity of a near decade of love being tossed to the side for a pipedream. But she did know what it was like to leave an abundance of life behind to chase a want.
Yet the model had never seen a group so peculiar as the one he belonged to. The tightknit communal that leaned on each other like family even though many were from different corners. She had seen the binds of friendship like never before. She had seen a broken love bonded by pain from across a candlelight tabletop and wondered why she had ever been invited if that would always have been the outcome. It was as though two ships hadn’t sailed passed one another but docked; lengths of a life finally running out of individual ink before relying on two for competition.
“You both hurt each other,” she settled, “that is what separation does. But…” she chuckled, “I have been in love before and I’ve never witnessed such a feeling when being in the presence of the two of you–and I don’t even know her…”
“She won’t talk to me,” Eddie confided. “I tried, earlier today because she was on the verge of a breakdown over a necklace and she could barely look at me.”
“Don’t you think it may be because if she did, she’d fall all over again?”
The song was coming to a close.
“There is nothing wrong with pain, Eddie. Feeling pain, wanting to be healed, and being scared of that healing… and maybe she’ll need time. She loves you. I know she does because when women know, they know.”
Jim Hopper stood from the chair.
There was a comradery he felt in Veronica. Romance beside itself, the woman was a chakra. She had looked into a future he could barely imagine himself and pulled the heroic card before it was dealt. These cards overturned like quicksand settling between his toes.
“You know,” Eddie gave her a sly, friendly grin, “you sound an awful lot like those odd fortune tellers that sell their services on the strip.”
Veronica laughed; whole-heartedly, warmly. “Maybe in a previous life I was,” she played, “but in yours, there has always been one path and I guarantee you, from one romantic to another, loneliness was never an option for you. It’s what kids dream about–that ‘fairytale…’ Even if it is a little bit messy.”
You linked your arm with Jim’s.
“I’ve always been a little too messy,” Eddie said sheepishly.
“I can tell,” Veronica groaned, “You don’t have to be perfect for her. Imperfection seizes our hearts faster than perfection… it’s enough to haunt us when perfection tears that apart.”
“El isn’t dancing with anyone.”
Jim Hopper held one hand in his and the other on the upper half of your back. It was as though he was dancing at an elementary father-daughter dance than anything else, stiff in his hulking frame. The music did nothing to silence your rapidly forming thoughts that Eddie and Veronica were feet away; Eddie’s eyes caught yours as Jim helped you to the floor, an anguish in them acted as a puzzle waiting to be pulled apart.
In the eyes that watched Veronica rip the persona he had gathered for himself in the years past, Eddie could only imagine you. He waited for them to turn into your own, for her laugh to morph into yours, for her hands to run through his hair as yours once did, and the comfort of her presence to become you. Looking for that glimpse, Eddie found it inside of his imagination; searching every corner of it to find a home for his torment–self-inflicted and its mortal consequences bleeding life from him like a sieve.
“It’s those sensible shoes…” Hopper joked. “Her feet are killing her. A couple blisters later, she’s sworn them off forever.”
“I don’t blame her,” Lucas and Max joined the pairs beside you. The red-headed girl rested her head on his shoulder, eyes closed in the utmost content state she could be in. True love.
“How many dances do you have in your feet?”
“Why?” You questioned. “Am I a better partner than Joyce? She was always rather clumsy.”
“No,” he laughed but could not disagree, “I just think those boys won’t end the evening without asking you. I think Dustin’s always had a little crush on his former babysitter.”
“I don’t think,” you tipped your head at him, “I know he’s always had a crush on me.”
Dustin Henderson had always been a cute boy. His pure child-like imagination and motivation had inspired you to explore your own interests without fear. You had watched him from five until his mother decided he didn’t need you anymore, but you were lucky to call him a friend now.
“But he’s got Suzie,” you could see the two giggling as everyone danced around them. “And I can’t think of a more natural person for him. I think they’re next,” your eyes moved themselves around the room, “to get married.”
“Too many childhood sweethearts in my opinion,” Hopper’s gruff voice was certain in that. “Not everyone is meant to be with their first loves.”
“I think they are… just like Steve and Nancy, just like Max and Lucas.”
“And you and Eddie.” Not a question, a statement.
It was the scoff that left your lips that made his hopes for you feel weak. “That chapter ended, Chief. He’s moved on, so have I.”
“No,” he clarified, “you haven’t. You wouldn’t have been moping around your best friend’s wedding if you were.”
“I wasn’t moping,” you defended, “Jonathan was moping. I’m pretty sure he cried and had decent reason to but I was just… people watching.”
“Person watching. You were watching Eddie and there’s nothing wrong with it,” he asserted. “You love him. There is no shame in it.”
“Why is everyone so interested in how I feel?” Your face put on the mask of a scorned lover. Eyes drawn narrow and brows forming a crease in its center. “This is Nance and Steve’s wedding, their only wedding if they’re lucky, and I’ve had person after person question how I feel about something I no longer have.”
“Maybe it’s because for once we all see the truth of it all…” He had seen the truth as a washed-up Eddie cried in his truck. “That the pain of the past isn’t worth the loneliness of the future.”
“A true poet,” you mumbled, “but I’m fine. I promise you, I’m fine.”
“I’ve said it before,” Hopper chuckled, “and I will always say it to you, but you’re a terrible liar.”
“Lies be lies, Chief. But there’s no point in trying to make me feel better about feelings I can’t control.”
“No one is asking you to control them,” you turned your head away from Jim’s and clocked Lucas eavesdropping. He gave a strained, tight smile before resting his cheek onto Max’s head. “That isn’t what we’re trying to do… I want the kids I watched grow up to be happy and you’re not happy, he’s not happy. I don’t know if the answer to that equation is the two of you finding each other again but I’ve never been a man capable of understanding the love you had. And that sound ridiculous coming from someone as old as your old man.”
“I can’t even be in the same room as him without feeling like breaking down,” your voice was quiet, a mere whisper of what it was because the prospect of Eddie still having feelings for you was frightening. You didn’t want to end up becoming a ghost again.
“It’s like I’m a nobody in a room full of somebody’s and they can’t see me.”
“Someone will always see you,” his eyes were gentle. “He saw you when he couldn’t see himself.”
“Then why did he leave?”
And the way Hopper’s body stood taller, his gaze no longer meeting yours, and turning you cold told you the world was ending. This love, imploded if it couldn’t exist between the two of you, was bubbling to the surface like a volcano. Here, on the island of Nantucket, a tsunami couldn’t save you from emotional ruin.
“I think that’s a question you’ll have to ask him.”
Veronica’s hand extended into your peripheral vision. She held it out to Jim like a lifeline.
“Do you mind if I steal him?” Her body came into view and you needn’t know the conversation the two had to know she had led Eddie back to you. “I need to hear all about this ‘hero of Hawkins!’”
“I’m not the hero,” Jim said rather sheepishly. “That’s all him.”
You could feel Eddie’s presence in a room of hundreds of a room of one. It enveloped you into a cocoon against your fighting mind.
“Those are strong words coming from you, Chief.” His voice rung out against the music. Eddie had been on the poor graces of Chief Jim Hopper for many a year before the man had seen Eddie for what he was: a good, kind man with a fierce complex.
Jim looked to you. “You got this, kid. I’ve got another partner now, so do you.”
He took Veronica’s arm and linked it through his arm like an elderly man who needed help walking. He wasn’t that old. She took him away without a glance back at the one who had asked her to come.
“Now,” Eddie cleared his throat from behind you, “I could ask you to dance or,” he had put on that voice like there were more options than he had, “we can go outside, sit down, and maybe you’ll talk to me.”
‘Look at me. Why won’t you look at me,’ his words echoed in your mind.
When you turned around to face him, he got his wish.
Eddie looked hopeful, as if it were the permanent face he wore. His eyes were the smallest bit glassy, hands stuffed into his pockets, and the shine of his shoes to the wear of his tie was different than he had ever worn before. He was still him, yet so different all the same.
“If we talk,” you felt like you swallowed a frog, “no lies. I don’t want to hear any lies.”
“Wouldn’t think of it.”
The night was cold.
Springtime enfolded the shores of Nantucket; cattails and tall grasses billowing, soft sounds of ocean waves lapping muted the music from inside. Adirondack chairs lay vacant, pillows dewed and their wood smooth.
You couldn’t bear to sit down.
Allowing the night air to take you, Eddie shut the door behind him and felt the scene before him play at the edge of a cliff; every piece of you blowing away against a yearning to stay. He began shrugging his jacket off and you held out a hand in front of you.
“I’m fine,” the frost bit at your voice. “Keep it.”
“You’re freezing,” Eddie continued to remove his piece. “I’m not going to be an asshole and let you freeze to death because you’re stubborn.”
You scoffed. “I am not stubborn. I don’t need it, end of story.”
He tugged it off, folding it in his hands before tossing it on one of the chairs that separated the distance between you. His tie was long undone, the two buttons at the top of his shirt undone but the cufflinks remained. You wanted to take the jacket. You wanted to recall his scent and warmth but your stubbornness in protection vexed you.
“Fine,” he huffed.
“Fine,” You replied in kind.
Only the note of waves filled the stillness. You both looked at one another as though a million years had gone by in the blink of an eye. Not unlike the seconds passed in the wine cellar the night before, the world seemed to dissipate to a single existence of two former lovers. Two people, in spite of themselves, who haven’t felt whole since a single moment six years before.
Goosebumps raised on your skin, the jacket appeared delectable yet an item of fear as it sat, calling to say ‘put it on,’ only to be followed by a whisper of ‘forgive me.’
“I can’t imagine that small talk is what you wanted to discuss,” you started.
“I don’t believe it’s what you would want either,” he countered, “and we both know that would get us nowhere.”
“So, what?” You lightly shook your head. “You want me to ask how your life has been and catch up on all I’ve missed? There’s a reason I don’t read gossip magazines anymore… I don’t need to see beautiful women rubbed in my face or success showing me that my pain was worth something more.”
“A lot of those things are lies,” Eddie walked his icy path with steady feet. “You don’t need to read them, no. But I would hope you still cared enough to ask about me when you visit Rob and Nance, not to mention Steve never brings you up to me.”
“Oh, you mean the literal effort they all put in to never mention you around me?” You gazed at him as though the reason you never asked about him, or they never spoke about him, was obvious. It hurt too much. “It’s not exactly a cake walk, Eddie, to hear about your fantastic life when I could barely hold my own together.”
“It’s not fantastic and if you asked, you would have known that.”
“And it’s my responsibility to learn that? Did you want me to reach out, ask how you’ve been, and get lunch like you didn’t fucking break my heart?” You gawked. Eddie took his hands from his pockets and put them on his hips–a Steve move he had taken upon after establishing their friendship. “If I couldn’t talk about you, I don’t know how the hell I would have talked to you.”
“Then maybe I should have called,” like an easy solution, “and maybe instead of… what was it Steve said? Trading holidays liked a divorced couple, we could have been civil and spent time with our friends together.”
“Was that when you were traveling the world or recording records?” You pursed. “Or when you moved out to California and visited once a year? Tell me, Eddie, is a hypothetically cordial relationship something you really want with me? I can barely feel the world turn as it is when I’m in your presence, I doubt I would be able to have a good time with our friends.”
Eddie laughed savagely. “I didn’t know all the fun had been sucked out of you.”
You took a step back, careening your head out toward the ocean as you bit your cheek. He had gall. He was bold and unflinching, but his eyes told the truth. His own pain and suffering at the consequences of his actions had let the light leave him for so long. When pain overtook a person’s being, anger and callous language followed.
“If you’re going to be an ass,” you looked back to him, “I don’t want to talk to you.”
“It isn’t the truth, though? I’ve at least tried to have a halfway, goddamn decent time at this wedding and every time I looked at you, you’ve been nothing but bitter.”
“No one asked you to look at me, Eddie. You brought a date. You should focus on her.”
“How could I!?” A dam had broken inside of him. He couldn’t not look at you. “Every time I think I’ll give someone else a chance, it’s like seeing a fucking ghost in my mirror! I have to look at you. I need to look for you.”
“No, you don’t!” You exclaimed with as much passion. “You lost that when you walked out! I am sorry that I am so shitty for being sad at a beautiful wedding. I am sorry for wishing that this time, maybe it was me walking down that goddamn aisle. And for fuck’s sake, I am so sorry that I am fearful that you’ll finally move on and want to marry someone else! Jesus fuck! It’s been six goddamn years and I still think that you’ll come walking through the door and say you made a mistake but I don’t want to hear that tumbling out of Steve’s mouth. I don’t want it to be based in lies because you feel bad I am sad at my best friend’s wedding.”
“I love you,” he blurted out without reason.
“Don’t say that!”
“Why!?”
“Because it isn’t true! IF I was, you never would have left! You wouldn’t have asked me to throw my life away and follow you to the ends of the fucking earth! If I wasn’t just some body, maybe somebody would love me enough to stay,” You argued loudly.
“I do love you,” He argued back with the same ferocity.
“You did. You don’t anymore.”
“I do love you. I do. I haven’t fucking stopped loving you since I was seventeen and I don’t think I ever will stop. I will always love you, I have always loved you, and I know that when I am dying, I will die loving you,” he was breathless. Angered and pent up with emotions he had buried deep where his eyes were fiery and his tone was firm.
“You can’t say things like that…” Fuck the tears that loved to threaten to fall.
“Why!? Tell me why I can’t tell the truth. You asked me not to lie and I wouldn’t do that to you!”
“Becau–” you stammered the word as your mind racked itself for answers, “because it’s not fair to me! I can’t live another day knowing that someone else out there loves you in a way that I do. I can’t keep waiting around in my shitty, fucking life for someone who walked out of it for something bigger than me.”
“And it was a mistake! I will never forgive myself for it but please, even if it’s the last thing you do, please believe that it was. I never should have asked that of you, I was selfish. I knew what I wanted in life then because it hasn’t changed. It existed deep down but was scared to come to the surface and I needed to be pulled under to see that. I love you. I love you so goddamn much that every day without you has been the most unbearable few years of my life. I want you, and only you.”
“Don’t lie to me,” your lip trembled, face hot.
“I’m not lying,” his own eyes watery. “Please, I am not lying to you.”
“I don’t think you know how much you hurt me, Eddie,” you shook your head at him. “There are times when I don’t feel like myself because you took that away from me. I don’t depend on anyone; I’d never say that I lost everything when you left but you cracked me open, slaughtered me in the place we shared because of a dream. And believe me, really, that I am so happy you found that life but how can I know that my suffering was worth it?
“You don’t think I suffered too?” He exclaimed loudly at the sky. “I went to Hawkins, you know, after everything because I didn’t have anywhere to go.” You didn’t know.
“I got so fucking drunk at a bar that Hopper had to come scrape me off the sidewalk and from what I remember, I exploded in the truck when he tried to take me to your parent’s place. Do you know what he did? Let me sleep on the couch and when Eleven got up the next day, she held my hand and told me that I’d be okay and I haven’t been okay. I’ve never been okay without you and I’m not scared to admit that. You are my lifeline, sweetheart. I have tried to replace that feeling but I can’t.”
“Do you know how long I wished for you to walk through that door?” You pointed to the door you walked through as if it could transform itself into the one of the apartment you shared. “I sat there, waiting for you because I barely remembered a life where you weren’t part of it and that was hard enough to imagine when it slammed in my goddamn ears,” you huffed, eyes nearly ablaze as his committed declarations of love echoed through every vacant place inside of you and right back to the moment he left.
“There is not a day that goes by where I don’t question why you let it go so easily.”
“It wasn’t easy,” Eddie stressed your name exasperatedly, “nothing about that choice was easy.”
“You made it seem like it was.”
Eddie felt the grounding he had built in his mind with his vow of love was strong. He felt the ghosts of the past begin to grip his feet; haunting and pulling him to the depths of his former despair to face a choice chastened by ambition. On the cold, concrete sidewalk and the airy Nantucket patio, it ruptured in spouts.
Pain, longing, abjection tied to every word; you had tried in obstinate strength to keep the fortress from becoming invaded. That somewhere in your heart there was a knowledge it was stronger than the force of the man that had left you to bleed but it wasn’t. It felt his bullets like bandages. They neither wounded nor massacred its path forward, binding the holes left behind with attestation.
“When I said we wanted different things, why didn’t you tell me what you wanted?” You asked in a voice wavering. “I thought you wanted this life,” a hand painted his figure against the night, “he one with the glitz and glamor and women like Veronica. If you wanted what I did, why toss it to the side?
Eddie shook his head, backing away from you and throwing his hands on top of his head in a connected grasp. He looked out to the water so dark he couldn’t see yet heard. “You remember what I told you about my parents?”
After a second, he returned his gaze to you and in return, you nodded.
Eddie’s perception of self was deeply rooted in the disjointed childhood he had been forced to experience. Every feeling, every action questioned by himself as to whether the receiving party had viewed it as strange, difficult, or simply heartless. He kept his heart on his sleeve, however, he kept it tethered there. When someone tried to hold it in their own palms, Eddie pulled away.
It had taken years for him to be comfortable enough with himself to be willing to be someone he liked.
“It doesn’t just go away with time,” he sighed. “I will always doubt myself. I always fear that I’m one step away from becoming him even if I know I’m nothing like him.”
For a child of a loveless marriage, a brutal life, the most fearful thing they could imagine was not whether or not they could be loved later in life, it was turning into the people they hated most.
“It’s not every day that someone comes to your concert and wants to sign you without so much as a demo session… and that overtook me. I know that now, and I knew that the second I walked out the goddamn door. I will apologize for the rest of my life if it means you know how I feel.”
Eddie let that sit.
“You can hate me forever, I don’t mind. But don’t convince yourself I never cared enough about you.”
“I don’t hate you. I never hated you. And I’m sorry if I made it seem that way.”
Perhaps he would have to convince himself that you never hated him just as you would that he loved you.
“Even when I left?”
“There was not a piece of my body strong enough to feel anything more than empty when that happened.”
“I felt it too, you know,” his eyes shimmered in the lamplight. No joy, no hilarity–just hope that you knew the truth.
“I do now,” you told him.
“I’m not asking you to give me a second chance,” Eddie shrugged his shoulders lowly. In a nearly defeated sigh, he took the words he replayed in his mind for two thousand, one hundred and ninety days, “but fuck… I told you I’d find you again if the time was right and the minute I saw you in the archway I knew that was my shot… you’re the same but different… I loved you then and I love the you that you are now. And I’m sorry that it took me that long to realize it.”
“What did you feel in that church today?”
A cosmic connection, a fleeting moment he wished to hold onto forever.
“Eddie,” you took a step forward, closing the distance, “tell me what you felt.”
“I felt…” He paused. Breathing in deeply, it was not his admissions of love that proved to be most difficult. It was the regret of letting it go that scarred the deepest. “I felt… bitter.”
“Bitter?”
“Because I don’t have what they do,” he threw a lazy arm toward the door. “Or I did have that and I let it go because of a silly dream.”
“I don’t think your dream was silly,” you admitted, “it worked out of you in the end.”
“But at what cost?” Eddie took a step closer to you; the chair with this tuxedo jacket the space that separated you. “Why do those dreams take everything away to make them happen? I didn’t want to do that, this, alone. Not without you.”
“I felt helpless,” you disclosed. “In that church with the sun streaming in… like a fucking… higher power was saying to me that the way I loved you still existed inside of me. It hasn’t ever truly gone–as much as some moments I wish it was–yet it stays.”
“Helpless because you love me?”
“Helpless because I can’t have you.”
“And why can’t you have me?” Another step closer. “Why do you, the only woman I have ever truly loved, feel you cannot have me?”
“Because someone else does,” your eyes flashed toward the doors as if Eddie’s proximity and both of your vulnerabilities were forbidden. “Because someone else loves you.”
“She doesn’t love me,” Eddie’s fingers eclipsed your own. Fanning in a light flutter, it was discovering touch again. “She isn’t mine and I am not hers.”
He stepped closer again and every one of your senses went spiraling. Eddie leaned his head forward and rested his forehead on your own. Two sets of eyes closed at the sensation.
“You have all of me. Every part of me since the moment I saw you.”
“And what do you want?”
‘I want you to have what you want, sweetheart,’ his words were distant from the past.
“What do you want now?” you asked him, breaking away as your eyes shone to his. His free hand cradled the back of your neck gently, he rubbed his thumb over your cheek. “I know what I want, but I need to hear it from you. No lies.”
“No lies,” he repeated, a quick glanced down at your lips had him soaring. “I want you, baby. I’ll only ever want you.”
“Good,” you whispered, lips barely tracing his for the first time in six years. “Because we’re not letting this go this time.”
“Never.”
And he pulled your lips to his.
To answer the question the chapel had asked you, ‘what is it like to be loved?’, there is only one answer:
This is what it feels like. Pain, beauty, and joy. There is no bind without strife, nor is there passion without sacrifice.
And in the years in between said sacrifice, the tethers of a string brushed together until they found one another again on a little island off a blustery coast for the wedding of Steve Harrington and Nancy Wheeler.
A/N: As always, comments, reblogs are kindly encouraged :) thank you for reading!
#eddie munson x fem!reader#eddie munson x female reader#eddie munson x reader#eddie munson#eddie x reader#reader x eddie munson#eddie munson x y/n#eddie munson x you#x reader#fanfic#fanfiction#stranger things#x female reader#stranger things 4#joseph quinn#angsty as hell bitches#sunday saddies on
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Marilyn Monroe and her marriage to James “Jimmie” Dougherty:
In the early 1940s, Norma Jeane thought she had finally found her forever home when she moved in with her mother’s best friend, Grace Goddard. But when the Goddard family learned they would have to relocate to West Virginia for Doc Goddard’s new job, Norma Jeane was sick to her stomach about having to return to the orphanage. Norma Jeane’s mother was hellbent on not having her daughter be adopted or taken out of the state, but Grace, however, offered a solution: marry the boy next door. They weren’t total strangers, Norma Jeane and Jim Dougherty, not friends, but friendly acquaintances. Jim drove her and Bebe Goddard to school many mornings, the girls even spent some afternoons at his home, and in December 1941, he escorted her to the Christmas ball at her high school. During the months leading up to the wedding, the two spent their time getting to know one another more intimately. When he bought her an engagement ring, he recalled that she insisted on the smaller and less expensive one; just nineteen days into her sixteenth year, she became Norma Jeane Dougherty. Though she had to learn to take care of herself from an early age, she struggled to settle into married life and the role of being a wife. During the first six months, they lived in a small cottage before moving in with his parents. Jim eventually followed his need to join the army during WW2. They lived on Catalina Island for about a year, where they made friends with other soldiers and their wives until he was drafted away. Still, Norma Jeane found herself lost, confused, and out of love. The couple had their natural moments of love and quarreling; Norma Jeane, however, did not want to have a baby. This soon changed when Jim found out he was to be drafted overseas. She begged him for a child with the fear he may never return, but the idea that she would be left a single mother forbade him from doing so. He promised that when the war was over, they would settle down and have many.
During his time away, Norma Jeane moved back in with his parents and got a job at Radioplane Co. It was during that time when photographer David Conover, who was photographing a piece on women help in the war effort, that he noticed a future model on his hands. She quickly became a favorite with Conover and his friends. After joining Blue Book Models, where she took lessons, she then become a favorite for most photographers and magazine companies. At first, Jim was supportive. The work was not as exhausting as Radioplane, and she was making more money, but when he returned from overseas, she spent more time modeling than with him. That’s when it took a toll. Marilyn later said the marriage brought her neither “happiness nor pain” and that she often felt bored. While the marriage arranged, the two grew to love one another and she was grateful to him for helping her. His letters from her that were once coming everyday, came less and less, until he received a divorce notice from her lawyers in Las Vegas. Not only was it easier for an unmarried woman to be a model or make it as an actress, but she knew that there was more of a life out there for her, and that they both deserved real love in a marriage. When he signed the papers, she hoped they could still be friends, but they seldom saw each other again. Jim went on to be a police officer, remarry, and have the family he hoped for with Norma Jeane. He did make comments and speak to press members during her time as a movie star; after she passed away, he was quoted saying, “Say a prayer for Norma Jeane.”
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You know what's fucked up? Nearly 40 years of trauma that I'm just now coming to terms with.
Let's start with, I guess, step-uncle (Dad's step-brother), being a straight up abusive asshole. We're talking training me in Martial Arts in a Cobra Kai way, belittling me, actively tormenting me, basically shit, macho older brother shit, trying to make me into basically the guy with a goatee and sunglasses who would say "Covid is no joke, calling all prayer warriors."
Then the instability, so let's trace it 1 1/2-3 Boise (I only know for certain the latter half), ID; 3-6 Henderson, NV; 6 South Lake Tahoe,NV (2 months in Henderson); 6-7 North Lake Tahoe, CA; 7 Kuna,ID; 7-8 Boise; 8-9Nampa,ID; 9 technically homeless in N. Idaho; 10-21 North Bend-Snoqualmie, WA.
Oh and the fun of watching my paternal grandmother (who raised me), slowly die from Diabetes, and being practically the only family who'd visit.
Dad continually coming in, then exiting my life (usually doing hard time) until I was 13, then dropping me back off again ay 16 (because fucking hell I did not want to move to Kansas). So at least the last time was my choice.
Definitely self induced and perpetuated fasting all my life, because fuck it, keeps me sane controlling my weight, even if it's unhealthy. Sometimes seems like the only thing I can control.
Let's start with the specifics at age 1 year 6 months, left to my grandparents because dad is also dealing with his own shit from a bad childhood, and it's 1982 and mom doesn't seem to want to be a single mom.
Flash forward to 7 years old, go to visit dad and step-mom #1. Let's run downy step-siblings first. Horror Movie freak step-brother with massive mental problems, actually tried to lord over me that he was older, actively tried to punish me, usually for no reason all because he couldn't stay up late watching horror movies. Older step-sister #1, massive Marilyn Monroe Stan, didn't really acknowledge me except a few times to tease me. Older step-sister #2 (see TW tags) very inappropriate, like fuck she's the embodiment of red flags for CSA at 12 (porn, playing with dolls inappropriately, inappropriate flirting with me). Then step-mom #1. I could and still can tell I was not supposed to be around, at all. Wanted me to come visit, but had to sleep in a closet, regularly verbally abused, eventually my dad caught wind and actually did the right thing, twice (sent me back to get away because I was sleepwalking and he knew that was no Bueno, then after him and step-mom #1 moved to my grandparents for a short time caught her giving a very abusive, but not physical punishment and divorced her, before going back to prison soon after.)
Actually that was kinda the problem with my dad's relationships until step-mom #2, had older daughters who flirted with me.
The problem in Kuna between 7 & 8. So shortly after the above divorce moved to Idaho, supposedly because Grandmother's health was going downhill from the altitude later found out it was to keep me from becoming a ward because of my dad. Moved in for about 3 months with my great uncle. Great uncle had a friend or something since he was always there named Ken. Next door was a friend one year older than me. Friend was definitely being sexually abused by at least Ken, if not her family (her sisters, looking back now, also showed signs), literally pulled his dick out to rest it on her 8 year old ass. She was the definition of learned that sex=love, so her BFF definitely needed to do what Ken did... guess who that was. Yeah, abused by a kid 1 year older who didn't know better. Oh and aside from maybe my grandparents because he did that shit when they weren't around (both were actually trying to find a place), everybody, including his friends who were Birchers knew what was going on, including my great-uncle (he'd later cop an Alford for having sex with said friend when I was 16).
Then came the most stable time in my life. But oh, the Universe wasn't done. So going along fine until my dad met step-mom #2. Actually still my step-mom and frankly a better one than either of the others. She doesn't actually have anything here was the first to notice I was not doing well mentally.
Split time between the two homes (as unstable as it sounds was actually stable until...) fast forward to me 12, in 7th grade dad decides, you need to live with me and he's stable now, agree because he is. Unfortunately decides a few months later that I should only live with him (12ish years of not being there and just a year or so out of his thankfully last stint in prison). This causes massive problems in the Family. So torn from grandparents, friends, and school. Eventually changed back after a custody agreement was signed. Had to go into counseling a few more times over the next couple years, but it was stable.
Then I found the internet at 14 and by 15 was cybering, usually with people around my age who were, you know, uwu. First online boyfriend was 18. Didn't last long, second was 17 (note I was 15), third was 18, last was actually almost my age. So kinda groomed but not really. Did help me discover my sexuality though.
Then came 1999, probably the worst year of my life. First came Columbine, think on it a kid who liked Rammstein, Manson, KMFDM and loved trenchcoats (face it also in the area of Seattle so it was functional). Everybody avoiding me aside from friends for a month. Then go to Semenary (ex-Mormon) on a Friday, new friend (well old by this time since I'd known her since the 6th grade) and her sister have a fight. Last time I saw either alive. The next day, her stepfather killed in her, her mom, and that same sister, still don't know the reason. Then I moved to Kansas to be with my dad after school was over. Hell got a job doing cold calls because no diploma (technically needed one credit because of a snafu), it's going OK, until about a month in, my dad gets a call that my grandmother is in the hospital for the last time. I let work know and me and my family drive up to see her and attend the funeral. It was here I basically went no contact for almost a decade on my dad's side of the family, because the funeral was basically bashing on her Husband of 20-ish years who was there for her at the worst parts of her life all because she wanted my aunt back when I was 14 to take care of my cousins, instead of her who was in failing health, and nearly blind. After that moved back because Kansas is ass, and going through my senior year a second time for that one class met my first real boyfriend, we ended up breaking up, I said it was because I didn't know if I liked guys, but truthfully, it was because I was scared of other things (see above about ex-Mormon). Then met somebody else, we stayed together off and on until 2004, through a move back to Kansas, then coming back and being homeless for 3-ish months. But during that was...
So I had a friend throughout High School. We were thick as thieves, and he wanted to be a director, and musician and you know teen gonna be big shit. We also had a friend who was going to be pur editor. I wrote, he directed and she edited. It seemed great until I got a call from his mom. Shortly after his return from either Basic or A-school (he was a Marine for the money) and on his way back, she downed some pills and wine. Hit me hard, within the space of a year, I had lost a good friend, the woman who raised me, my first love and kiss, and another good friend.
So flash forward to September 11th, 2004, have a new girlfriend, we're all living at a friend's place. We get into a bit of a fight because of some stupid shit. She goes to the park nearby and me and one of our friends go over to make sure she's safe. The next 3 hours are such hell, being beaten, threatened to be killed, made to watch her rape, before being made to turn away so no witnesses. We're the cops not looking for these guys, it probably would have ended with me getting stomped and dumped. It destroyed our relationship. Soon after I met a guy, actually loved him, and fell out because neither of us were stable. Got stability when I moved back in with my grandfather for the next 3 years in 2006. Then he had a stroke and died, I was there for that death, but it still hurt and I was, in no way able to pay rent so got the first roomy I could afford.
Big mistake, it was 5 years of problems. Living with a schizoform bi-polar person does that. Even worse was his girlfriend. He might have been physical when he went manic, and hell even tried to kill me because he thought it'd bring her back. She however was verbal and mental, constantly doing the same kind of shit as my stepmother. I pretty much cut them out in 2016 when I came back to the stability I'm in now.
So if you wanna know why I say I'm fucked up, well go back to the beginning and reread.
Edit: Shit I almost forgot something. So shortly before that cutting out thing. Attempted and about the only time the roommate's girlfriend wasn't a piece of shit, she managed to get ahold of the crisis line to keep me from taking a kitchen knife down the road, or tossing myself out our second story window into a dive onto the ground.
#tw: abuse#tw: CSA mention#tw: murder mention#tw: possible ED mention#tw: suicide mention#tw: suicide attempt mention#tw: violence mention#tw: rape mention#tw: violence#need to say shit to get it out
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The Planets, Elevated
Sun
As the Most Elevated indicates a drive to express one’s creative essence and core ego values before the world. This individual will shine amongst their circle of peers. This person’s 15 minutes of fame can extend to a lifetime of fame in one area of life or another. The world is a stage they play on. They were put here on earth to display their creative gifts and talents. They tend to be leaders. Tend to be worshipped. Popular. If the elevated planet is conjunct the Midheaven, this is a strong indicator of celebrity. Martin Luther King had his Sun in Capricorn as the Zenith of his chart. Albert Einstein’s Sun was his most elevated as well.
Moon
As the Most Elevated is more inverted than the Sun. Whereas those born with the Sun highest in the chart can feel an urge toward leadership or expressing their egoic and creative impulses in a public way, those with the Moon highest are more often drawn to project their personality or their emotions into the spotlight. Many actors and musicians have this placement. Individuals with the Moon at the Zenith of their chart can become well-known for their nurturing talents. Their emotions. Their moods and the creativity surrounding them. Their temperament and what they create with them/ expressing their emotions to the public can gain them notoriety. The late John Lennon of Beatles fame had his Moon as his most elevated. Academy Award winner, Meryl Streep’s most elevated planet is the moon as well.
Mercury
As the Most Elevated indicates a native with an urge to project one’s ideas or verbal skills before the world. They will find many ways to get their voices out there or “broadcasted to the public”. The sign the Planet is in indicates how this will be done. This individual will be renowned for their linguistic, mental, and/or intellectual talents. Could become well known for their teaching abilities, writing abilities, communications abilities, or public relation abilities. Writer Sylvia Plath had Mercury in intense Scorpio as the highest planet in her chart.
Venus
As the most elevated indicates a desire to project beauty and/or harmony in some way before the public. Widely desired/admired. Marilyn Monroe was born with Venus as her highest planet, and she became virtually synonymous with mainstream ideals of beauty. They will be the Models, the creatives, The fashionistas, the person with a “nice girl or nice guy” persona. This placement often leads to occupations directly or indirectly involved with aesthetics and design. Tom Hanks, widely considered as Hollywood’s nicest leading man [A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood, anyone?] has Venus as his most elevated. Marilyn Monroe and David Bowie both did as well.
Mars
As the most elevated Indicates a drive to project energy and strength before the world. Muhammed Ali had Mars as his most elevated planet. Ruthless ambition. Renowned undefeated heavyweight champion in boxing. Martial arts ruled his life and where he received the most notoriety. Definitely a feisty placement as well as one that will make the native hard to ignore. This placement indicates a leader. The types to set shit off. The type to be the “boss” in whatever field of work they choose. Spearhead some sort of militant movement. The ‘Gangster” placement. Very often seen in the charts of those who take part in sports. Franklin D. Roosevelt had Mars as his most elevated planet and he was the driving for behind America’s decision to partake in WWII. Founding father of the Mafia Lucky Luciano also had Mars at the zenith of his chart.
Jupiter
As the most elevated Indicates there is confidence about matters of career or dealings with the public. As a result, this is one of the leading chart indicators of popularity and success, as well as general “good luck,”. Global awareness, travel, teaching, and philosophical/spiritual matters will be their forte. The “prophet” or “guru” aspect. Someone who’s calling in life may involve lots of travel or they can be a “citizen of the world”. Angelina Jolie has Jupiter at the highest point in her chart and not only was her film career a huge success, but she also became a bit of a 2nd Mother Teresa, traveling internationally to adopt children, and doing humanitarian work worldwide. There is also an interest in different spiritual teachings [i.e the Cambodian prayer tattoo on her left shoulder blade.] This is one of the hardest-hitting horoscopic indicators of popularity and success, as well as general “fortune/luck” in life. Basketball heavyweight Michael Jordan has Jupiter at the Zenith of his chart as does Kim Kardashian. This is also an indicator of one who can become famous or well known for their ideas/thoughts on spirituality. If Jupiter is in Virgo, the native can become renowned for their writings on esoteric or spiritual matters.
Saturn
As the most elevated Like Jupiter, Saturn near the top of one’s chart can show considerable success and prominence in one’s life. But unlike Jupiter, this usually involves far more work and a few tough building blocks along the way. There’s a “late bloomer” quality to the lives of these natives. Many instances, they can experience great struggle in building their career and reputation — that constant ‘between a rock and a hard place”. Yet these people often live to see great rewards and prestige as a result of said hard work. The types to be in inevitable positions of authority in whatever they do but also the types to hold themselves to impossible standards. They must be the best. They will often become well known/ be in positions that involve structure. For example, Queen Elizabeth has this placement, I don’t know a life more structured than the life of a monarch. Spanish artist Picasso was born with Saturn in Taurus as his highest planet; he was subject to enormous criticism regarding his art early on, but eventually found prosperity and fame as a result of his discipline and productivity. Bill Clinton has Saturn at his Zenith and became the leader of the free world. Jazz musician Louis Armstrong rose from an intensely difficult childhood in Louisiana to become a pioneering artist admired by audiences all over the world.
Uranus
As the most elevated indicates a native who possesses a fiercely independent streak and a desire to pursue uniquely personal or unconventional life paths. The weirdo who becomes famous for being.. well, a weirdo. Needless to say, this generally makes it difficult for these people to adapt to rigid routines and structured environments, and in terms of career, they like to have/need as long a leash as possible. They think outside the box and as a result, can gain prestige for doing just that. The “fuck it I do what I want” aspect. This attitude may make them famous and even admired. Geniuses. Actor Steve McQueen had Uranus in Aries as his highest planet, and virtually became Hollywood’s poster boy for the ‘Rebel’ archetype. He also spent time in reform school as an adolescent. The late great Nipsey Hussle had Uranus at the Zenith of his chart and he lived his life in unapologetic opposition to the law being part of the Rolling 60′s Crip gang. You can see this rebel spirit in many of his songs that went platinum. Many Astronauts including Edgar Mitchell have this placement. Those with Uranus as their most elevated see “beyond”. This also indicates the maverick spirit of innovation. This placement is often connected to technology or the media [remember, Uranus has an ‘electric’ energy to it]. A prime example is Apple computer founder Steve Jobs who had Jupiter and Uranus in conjunction as his highest point.
Neptune
As the most elevated indicates a spirit of “reaching for the stars”. I see this planet most elevated in the charts of those renowned for their artistic talents. ESPECIALLY in music and the arts. Many actors have this placement, which is fitting considering Neptune is the planet of dreams/fantasy, and actors are paid to pretend to be someone else. Famous for the mask they wear. Powerful spiritual impulses. An inspiring individual. Can become famous/well known for their idealism or the spiritual messages they send out to the world. When well aspected or unafflicted it can indicate an individual who can become revered for their fantastical ideas. Walt Disney’s most elevated planet was Neptune and I feel many of us can agree that his classic works of fantasy shaped our childhoods. His billion-dollar empire still stands today decades after his death. Elevated Neptunian Bruce Lee not only brought martial arts to the attention of thousands but also expounded on its spiritual philosophy in writings and interviews. He even created Jeet Kune Do, a martial art deeply rooted in spirituality, wrote a book about it, too. 44th President Barack Obama has Neptune as his most elevated planet and his campaign slogan “hope” gave many just that during the 2008 election. An affliction to this most elevated planet can still make one very well known but not necessarily for the best reasons. When afflicted it can be a dangerous placement and one can suffer or make others suffer from fanatical or delusional teachings. Cult leader Jim Jones had Neptune has his most elevated and his spiritual teachings resulted in the death of hundreds of naive and innocent people due to drugged [Neptune] kool-aid.
Pluto
As the most elevated indicates that an individual’s career or sense of “calling” will be involved with any or all 8th house dealings. Sexuality, death, transformation, secrets, the occult. Megan Fox has Pluto at the highest degree in her chart, though she is a Taurus, her MC is in Scorpio and conjunct her Pluto which is the most elevated. She comes off an undeniable Sex [Plutonic/8th house] symbol. Same for the late great musician Prince, who was very public about sexuality. Vladimir Putin, President of Russia has his Pluto closest to his MC and he was a KGB spy. This is definitely a placement of someone with considerable power. Not one to be underestimated. Capable of covert manipulation and may/can become famous for it. They may also become well known for dealing with dark matters. Jack Kerouac, who celebrated the bohemian “underworld” had his Pluto elevated. Mary Shelly, author of Frankenstein became renowned for a book that had to do with a monster made of dead bodies transformed through supernatural means. It is now one of the first books parents will read to their children on Halloween.
Honorable Mentions
There’s been an ongoing discourse about Asteroids/Hypothetical Points being considered “elevated.” It’s a topic of debate within the astrological community. However, if we are to entertain them, this is what they can mean:
Chiron
As the most elevated indicates a calling in life dealing with healing. Dealing with the pain of others and making things better for them. A teacher that is known for helping others find their way.
Lilith
As the most elevated indicates an individual feared and admired for their rebellious sexual spirit. The seductress/seducer. The individual can become loved or hated for their ability to put their wily charms on both men and women. Audrey Hepburn had Lilith at the zenith of her chart, quite close to Saturn near the MC.
Juno
As the most elevated planet may become famous for their marriages or whom they are married to.
Vesta
Famous for their devotion or well known for becoming homemakers.
Pallas
As the most elevated can indicate someone known for their wisdom. How they temper their instincts with discretion.
#For the multitude in my inbox inquiring#Hope this helps ❤#Elevated planet#astrology tips#astrology#bruja tips#sun elevated planet#Moon elevated planet#mercury elevated planet#venus elevated planet#mars elevated planet#jupiter elevated planet#saturn elevated planet#uranus elevated planet#Neptune elevated planet#pluto elevated planet#Chiron#lilith#juno#vesta#pallas#my writing#witchblr
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