#Plus I'm still trying to figure out how to run a discord server

[usagi-miyamoto]

[Rubs my gay little hands together] I have so many drafts that are almost done, and soon I might be able to edit them and publish new fics hehe >:3

[ghostradiodylan]

[s k i l l ]

So, we talk a lot about Quarry headcanons and what could have been on the Brainrot Discord server that Kat made and one of the things I keep thinking about is how they gave (at least some of) the characters these sets of skills that never really impact gameplay, and I think it would be really cool if they did. Like, if there was more variety in who could be sent on which path. Switching Kaitlyn to the Hackett house path with Laura and Ryan to the scrapyard with Dylan being a popular one for fanfic, but also, idk, maybe Dylan won't let Ryan go without him so he ends up on the Hackett house path too? Maybe Abi steps up to go with Kaitlyn to the scrapyard and has to figure out the crane even though it's way out of her skillset, maybe Emma and Jacob can actually come back and link up with the rest of the gang instead of being stuck out in the woods for so long, stuff like that.

I'm just thinking about what their skills might be and how that might impact the game. Also keep in mind that if the character you most need for a task ends up up dead before that task comes along, it's going to be carnage for everyone else, which would up the replay value significantly IMO.

Kaitlyn: Shooting. She's a MUCH better shot than Ryan, if we can believe the Shooting Stars scoreboard (four of the actual children attending the camp score higher than him), but we never see that in the game? What if the aiming mechanism was actually different between different characters? What if there were shots you could make more easily as Kaitlyn, that were harder to pull off as Ryan?

Ryan: Agility. Guy does a lot of running and jumping, what if there were timed segments that were easier to complete as Ryan within the allotted time, or else something consequential happened? Good luck if you ended up plodding along with Jacob instead, now Abi and Nick are both mauled and turning, or something like that.

Dylan: Tech. Dylan's the physics nerd who slays at the crane game. What if you could bring him to the Hackett house and he could figure out the electric circuit puzzle in no time, but that meant someone else had to help Kaitlyn in the scrapyard? Maybe Ryan can still save Jacob without him but he takes too much time and the Hacketts catch you and pick off one of your party.

Jacob: Strength. Jakey's probably the buffest of the dudes, so maybe there are times you need a pair of strong arms or legs and Jacob's the only one who can come through. They also show us him picking locks but he never does that in an impactful situation, so maybe he'd have a lesser talent for that as well.

Abi: Stealth. Okay, so Abi runs and hides? Maybe she's awesome at hiding, then? Maybe she can get through parts of the game undiscovered by the werewolves that other characters can't. Maybe her being short AF means she can fit into hiding spots that you can't cram the leggy bois like Dylan and Nick into.

Emma: Observation. Emma's always watching and analyzing everyone's behavior and documenting things on her phone. Maybe she can find evidence or tarot cards others can't, or put pieces of the mystery together in ways no one else thinks of. Emma's a badass in the game, but it would be cool to see her 'documentarian' side come in handy prior to the credits rolling, too.

Nick: Climbing. I completely made this up because we don't get to see Nick do much besides try to pull his crush, suck face on a dare with Emma, and get mauled, but we do know he takes kids through the ropes course based on his dialogue with Abi, plus he's tall so he's got long arms and legs! Maybe he's the aerial expert. Maybe he can scale fences and get important items down from trees. Maybe he can climb up and free other characters who get stuck in those snare traps. (Obviously this assumes someone else can be the Designated Werewolf Victim, which I also think would improve the game.)

This also assumes Laura and Max keep their current roles, but I'd be up for that to be changeable too. It's not that I necessarily want a higher number of choices available, I just want the choices we can make to actually impact the gameplay and story arc more! Anyway, that's my Quarry ramble for the day (unless I come up with another one). Anyone else have thoughts?

[slylock-syl]

Hey Syllll! Long time, no chat! I just wanted to get this off my chest before i go ham trying to figure out what i wanna commission from you soon.

I have been reading Undersource for years now, and i think we've both come a long way since then! God, that feels weird to say, i'm not even old enough to drink yet lmao. But! I am old enough to spend my money responsibly now, which is nuts given that my responsible spending is now aimed at getting art of my blorbos LOL.

You've grown as an artist so much since i first started reading- i think that was around... the pirate arc? Not sure! But i do remember the early days of me having discord, during the EKD server category era. But anyways, i know the way you drew our favorite skeletons was different back then, and it's all gotten so much smoother in that time. You're also (at least seemingly) taking way better care of yourself! You've set boundaries, you've set more time for yourself and not the blog, and you're still happily chugging along, after all these years. Not to mention you're working on this side story now, which i'm fairly certain you've been looking forward to for a while.

How's that sleeping though? Do you still have the sleep cycle of an austalian? Can't say i'm any better, im slowly becoming nocturnal again lol. Some things NEVER change.

Anyways. All this to say: im really proud to have been part of this little community for so long. To see the comic and its artist come so far. Even if im not a diehard fan anymore, im glad i can still take a little time every weekend to realize "OH, U/S shoulda updated!" and run over here. Thanks for giving me a good starting point of community on this god damned hellsite.

(Here's to sleepy 5 am "you're great" asks LMAO)

sjksdhLKSDJFHG THIS IS SUCH A SWEET MESSAGE OMG-

Hi Azzy! :D I'm glad you still like my work even after all this time! Thank you for sticking around! :D

I have been taking better care of myself these days! I'm (only sometimes begrudgingly XD) going on daily walks (Pikmin Bloom is really helping with that, I love Pikmin they're so cute), and made some new friends! When I first started this blog I was convinced I had to constantly/frequently produce content, and I time went on I slowly realized that wasn't really viable, so I slowly trimmed down the workloads for better manageability, I'd say it's helped a lot! Even if it may not look like it sometimes XD

There was a point before I adjusted my work schedule where I figured out that I may have been riding a creative burnout for a long while, as when I looked back it felt like my work had begun to visually stagnate. I think at the time I was cramming working on the comic update across only 3 or 4 days (Wednesday/Thursday to Saturday mornings, sometimes down to the wire), with several hours of just constant work (plus any distractions and 3 daily asks) because I was procrastinating so badly X'D I'm still recovering from the visual stagnation, but I'm definitely trying to experiment where I can! I may not be the best at it but I hope I'm improving at least ksjdghLSDGH My current schedule is MUCH more spaced out and much more manageable, spanning Sunday to Friday and broken down into stages for each day, and Saturdays are my designated day off~

As for the side story, it's one I've had around for quite a while and have been excited to finally show off! There were a few people who were interested in it when it was first teased, though I've no idea if they're still around, if they are I hope they're enjoying the story so far as well! 💜

Oddly enough my sleep schedule is no longer on Cthulhu Standard Time SKSDJGHDLG We had a TON of construction going on in the house the past few months and it was way too awkward to sleep with a bunch of strangers either being in or near my room, as well as making a LOT of noise sjkdhgLKSDJG There was a brief section of time where I'd actually go to bed at a "normal" time and get up at like, 9 or 10 am X'D Though it's slowly sneaking it's way into afternoons to 3 or 4 AM after I feed the kitties, kinda like my old college schedule XD

Thank you again for liking my work and sticking around! I really appreciate it!! :D

I may not be anywhere near whatever my "peak" was a few years ago, but I'm still happy to keep going for those who still come around! 💜

[edible-emerald]

gonna try and make a proper pinned post lmfao

LINK TO A THERIAN DISCORD SERVER THAT I OWN THAT'S SUPER COOL AND AWESOME AND YOU SHOULD JOIN

SYSCOURSE CODE: 👍/❤️🗯/📘/🔺🔶/🔵/🌘🌕/🟧/🌲/🌥️☀️/💭/🐊/🐌🐞/🐳

PLURAL CODE: ❓/❓/🔥/🌴/❓🐏/❓/⚡/ (We're still figuring a lot out)

A LOT OF THIS WAS WRITTEN BEFORE WE KNEW WE WERE PLURAL WE'LL UPDATE SOON I PROMISE MOST OF THIS APPLIES TO THE HOST

Howdy. You can call me Emerald, Calypso or Syren. My pronouns are she/they/xe/it. (Girlflux) Usually any are fine to use but they do fluctuate, so ask. Even if you use listed pronouns when I don't want you do I don't usually care all too much. I'm aromantic/asexual, possibly hypersexual, EXTREMELY romance repulsed, and a minor.

Because I am a minor, I ask that adults respect their own DNIs if they have that. If you don't, you may interact; but I get defensive, argumentative and anxious very easily, especially around adults.

Idk how I never added it but my mental disorders and disabilities are: ADHD (Diagnosed at age 9) Depression (Diagnosed at age 11) Social anxiety (Self diagnosed) Autism (Highly suspected/in the process of pursuing a diagnosis) Some sort of trauma disorder (Suspected, talking with my therapist about possible PTSD) OCD (Suspected) DID/OSDD (We're a sys(let) so the chances are relatively high, plus other symptoms)

We're desirdae! We use a lot of desirdae & dissomei labels, however some major ones are desirfakesui, desirpermateen, desirworsen, desirpermadaydream, and a few others.

On most websites I use the username edible_emerald, including discord and ao3.

Plurallet. I'm still figuring out this identity and questioning it so it's kinda a placeholder but keep that in mind. Simply plural is calypsoooo, if you friend me tell me your tumblr username when you do (I may decline sorry)

We're a Mixed Origin system! More specifically, Esogenic and our term, Hexabyssgenic. if you have a problem with it than block button is there for your convenience <3

I'm a therian, my theriotype is Northwestern wolf. I'm questioning Mermaid/selkie/siren and Lynx/wild feline, along with something winged. I’m also mermaidhearted and have other hearttypes that I’ve been too lazy to figure out but I will eventually

I post art sometimes

Also I like to write!! :3

I'm currently hyperfixating on MCYT, specifically KSMP, LSSMP, UU, Park/PVPciv, and Whitepine. Some previous hyperfixations include LU/TOTK/TLOZ, TOH, CSMP, KOTLC, TADC, HH, HB, MD, TOS (1 and 2), and chess. I write fanfiction a bit and you can find my writings on my ao3 account (edible_emerald)

I run a plethora of sideblogs, ask if you're curious

I can reclaim the slurs faggot, retard and tranny but I don't really use them very often, unless you talk to me in dms/discord than I do a little bit more lmfao

I will update this when I remember stuff lmao

I will try to respect your boundaries, but I may forget and accidentally misgender you, etc. Please correct me if I do! Also I tend to be petty a lot, so I will probably argue with people. If you'd rather I just leave it, you can let me know and I'll drop it. I'm too autistic to realize otherwise lmao

My only DNIs are that bigots and radqueers DNI. I also ask that Harry Potter and DSMP fans DNI *UNLESS* I interact first, then you're welcome to.

Also, astrothetherian supporters go the fuck away. We've been harassed by them and sent literal SA threats by them. If you think that's acceptable than stop pretending you care about trauma survivors BECAUSE WE ARE ONE.

As for my other DNIs, I don't have any, anyone can interact. You will want to keep in mind that I'm:

Pro endogenic/tulpamancer/willogenic systems

Neutral on the whole 'the term tulpamancy is cultural appropriation!' argument because i've seen different accounts from different people and some of them are Tibetan Buddhists and some of them aren't and idek what to believe atp

Pro self-diagnosing (with research)

Anti proship/conship <- shipcourse is really really stupid btw. Unless you say "fiction doesn't affect reality" i do not give a shit like at all. and if you respond "all proshippers think fiction doesn't affect reality" i will probably block you (unless we're moots) BECAUSE SHIPCOURSE IS STUPID AND I REFUSE TO GET INVOLVED.

Neutral on lesboys

Click the link below to help Palestinians in need. It's free and only takes a few seconds!

I really love these userboxes :3 below the cut is just a bunch more userboxes

[luminous-studiess]

Ummm so I'm new to tumblr so don't judge if I did something wrong.Ummm how can I be like you? Like you know? Productive and smart.I always push myself but ended up being distracted by things (I have adhd and depression).I can't even remember anything after.I suffer,and continue suffering, from my mental illnesses.I just can't keep myself on track.My family makes fun of me for trying.I'm actually trying to find a part time job here but nothing hires minors.Idk please help meee.

hi, friend! answer under the cut because this will be long. 

please know you’re doing nothing wrong, and that the fact you keep trying to become better and to push yourself to always get things done despite difficult circumstances already shows that you ARE already productive and smart. 

second, it also helped me when i was struggling very heavily last year to learn  two things: 1) there will always be particularly bad days when you live with mental illness, but all the little efforts you take, it slowly does get less difficult. getting better does not mean completely getting rid of all the symptoms you experience, but mostly just learning the best ways and small, gentle things you can do for yourself to manage your condition. this really requires a gentle but firm balance between pushing yourself to do the things you absolutely need to do, but also knowing when what level of work/school/self-care or hobbies is the limit, so that you don’t get too overwhelmed.  this means most of the time, you don’t have to worry about being productive for its own sake. it helps me when i feel like i’m drowning to know how little i can do/the most non-negotiable bare minimum, that still helps me not to fall behind.

^ this is a small, cheap pad of sticky notes i carry with me throughout my entire day. it’s only big enough so that i can only write a few school tasks/personal things i need to do/chores, which helps me evaluate what exactly i can only get done, especially on days where i don’t feel well. checking off absolutely everything on my tiny list makes me feel like i’ve accomplished a lot, because i i have-- they aren’t necessarily a lot of tasks, but they’re the ones that i know really do need to get done. it also helps me focus when i have a lot of nervous energy, and have a panicked sense of “so many things need to get done!!!?” because i can give myself a bit of time to sit down, maybe turn on an episode of a show i like or make some coffee, and write down my tasks. it really helps me with the faint, tiny guilt and dread i used to feel day by day that i was being unproductive or lazy, because now i know i’ve fulfilled all my obligations to myself (everything from doing laundry, to making dinner) and to other people (schoolwork and other tasks). it’s okay to move at the pace that’s only possible for you right now. it’s better to feel comfortable with the smallest things you can do, and build on that as the days come. 2) getting distracted is normal, given Everything Happening Right Now, plus with a mental health condition that makes it hard to focus. it can also be hard to remember things when i study, because of my own health conditions, but i’ve found that the following things have helped: regarding distraction - use a small system that keeps you from accessing any distractions when you need to get something done. i try to leave my non-essential device in another room, and set up a timer-based blocker, to limit the websites i access. - i try to acknowledge the distractions as they come, and try to figure out why: am i hungry? am i tired? have i gotten enough sleep? do i need a break? if it isn’t anything serious, i just acknowledge that i’ve gone briefly off-track-- without guilt, without judgment. then i try to turn my mind back to the task at hand. - a good ambient playlist can make me feel more focused during hard tasks in the sense that i have some form of stimulation to keep the “itchiness” at bay. video game soundtracks and film soundtracks are also wonderful for long, tricky tasks.  - sometimes i just have to start to feel motivated-- the focus actually comes in in the middle of the task. the fact of starting something may actually make you feel motivated.

- procrastinate productively: sometimes when i really don’t want to study i turn on a movie or a show and use the time to clean my room or fold laundry. my life still feels put-together, and i enjoyed myself! win-win.

- and sometimes i realize that focus may be impossible at the moment: take a break, go for a run, do something you like, take a nap.  regarding learning and remembering things i used to have the worst time recalling things for school, until i prioritized two things: SLEEP, and not cramming. i used to get extremely poor grades in my first year of law school because i would put off studying at the last and latest moment-- a few days before exams, pulling all-nighters right up until the hour the exam started. i would also just use my free time to scroll on social media, instead of taking a nap or going to bed early. this was absolutely wrong. during the exam, i couldn’t recall anything because i was too tired, too frazzled, probably didn’t have breakfast, and because i had started and finished half a semester of reading in one night. my grades have gotten much better lately-- i’d like to think it’s because i’ve centered it around two things: (a) getting enough sleep every single night (helpful ESPECIALLY if you have health problems-- mental or physical), and (b) making exam day the least stressful it can be. how do i do this? - this means not only learning things for the exam, but also for classes on a daily period. you don’t have to study particularly hard, but you just have to study enough that you can understand what the professor is saying in class. set definite study hours every day, stop at a very specific and reasonable hour, and go to bed. try to get at least 6 hours of sleep. sleep helps me absorb everything better (idk science but this is from experience and also some very smart people i know ALSO prioritize getting sleep). wake up at a reasonable hour.  - how to study: read the syllabus, and try to get a decent overview of all the topics you need to cover before you start testing/making flashcards/doing active recall (which is IMPORTANT bc this helps you actually train your brain to retrieve information). imho as someone low-energy i find that rewriting notes/making reviewers/making flashcards makes me very tired and leaves very little time for actual studying, so it just helps to test myself by looking at the syllabus and trying to explain the concept to myself, then peeking at the textbook or materials to see what i’m missing. mind-maps are also energy-efficient ways of figuring out how concepts fit together. - how to study for exams: the very latest you should start is a week ahead. two weeks ahead is ideal. map out how much information you need to re-learn from the syllabus. move slowly with the aim of finishing the coverage by the first week. the second is for reviewing and RESTING. - THE NIGHT BEFORE THE EXAM: do a final, gentle survey over the topics you may not understand. stop at 10 pm. go to sleep.  - EXAM DAY: you’ve done the work. take the time to eat breakfast, test yourself SLOWLY AND GENTLY (avoid reading huge chunks of textbook at this point-- youll only confuse yourself), and set up your workspace to take the exam. crush said exam. as a final note: it can be hard to get things done when the people closest to you aren’t supportive. try to reach out on studyblr and find discord study with me servers, or study communities on reddit (they’re actually really nice), or with students in your class. if you need to talk, just dm me. you can do this friend, okay? take care always. gentler days will come. 

[nightslain]

Sin, I got a ?.. How do you know if a muse is right for you? I am trying to find a muse, but having some trouble. I feel like so many characters only sORt of work well with me? I feel like I'm better suited for villains, but not many of them are actually pretty soft deep down (like, super soft) and I feel like that's what I'm naturally inclined to play. So I have a hard time vibing with a muse really strongly. Might have to make an OC, hm. If you know some good soft villains, tell me, haha..

In my experience, the best way to learn is always to do. Finding a muse well suited to you and your style is never an exact, predictable science and largely depends upon pure experimentation and playing by ear; speaking from experience, I’ve had a total of 24 independent muses on tumblr, and of them all, only 11 actually remain to the present day. I was pretty sure of my dedication to all of them at the point of their inception, but actually writing with them proved a different story. Some I just couldn’t gel with or thoroughly enjoy, some just were too difficult or awkward to apply to a roleplay setting and others simply proved to be a lot duller to write than I imagined them. I know I am meant for a muse when writing them is as easy as it is enjoyable--it comes to me naturally and I am not constantly stressing over how to emulate their speech, their body language, their thoughts, their beliefs--so on and so forth. I find the more I’m constantly struggling with my portrayal, the less that muse is suited to me and my particular writing style. If I can’t understand or entirely grasp a character as an author, regardless of how much I like them, I tend to get frustrated or flat-out bored very quickly. Leon is my magnum opus in the sense I have never been this consistently excited and happy to play a muse before him, nor spent nearly as much time constantly developing him down to the ridiculously tiny details and relishing in doing so. In short, he just came easily to me! I connect with him, his story and his themes very closely and feel like I have a good, comfortable grasp on who he is as a character, at least in my mind’s eye (even if I’m sure there are others that still would obviously not agree with my characterisation or parts thereof, which is a given.)

Some of my old muses though? I couldn’t even figure out how to consistently write their dialogue after months of working with them and felt generally uncomfortable trying to actually get my portrayal written down. The process was always tedious, difficult and unsatisfying to slog through. I just couldn’t do it! And in some cases, I just didn’t actually like the muse enough to really put the time in to make it work when the muse didn’t come as naturally as some do. Some characters you just can’t connect with on any real level when you try to work with them on grounds as personal as breathing life into them as a writer. Its a labour of love, after all! And some muses we just don’t love that much even if the idea of them is tantalising. It’s often surprising how little you like some muses you thought you loved once you’re the one trying to emulate their personality!

So my first piece of more general advice would be the following...

Experiment with any muses you’ve been fancying regardless of whether you think they align with your current ‘vibe--you never know what you will gel with until you try it proper--but don’t officially bring those muses to tumblr etc. until you’ve had some solid practice with them first. I’ve wasted so much time making blogs and aesthetics for muses that didn’t even last a month for any number of reasons, and to me personally, it was generally a pretty embarrassing affair to constantly hype up friends and followers to get excited for a new muse, only to permanently abandon them shortly thereafter when I didn’t like writing them as much as I thought I would and wanted out. Tumblr also enforces a lot of pressure by creating an environment where you can end up feeling obligated to write, obligated to constantly create content, obligated to attract and engage a lot of followers and this all ends up being conducive to burn-out; plus in some cases, can contribute to wanting to just abandon your blog when it starts being a chore instead of a fun hobby--something I don’t think is good for anyone, let alone newer roleplayers in the current climate of the tumblr RPC.

I’d advise you start by roleplaying over discord with your friends or in servers with the muse you’re experimenting with to get a feel for their character and how well they suit your writing style, or if you even enjoy them in the first place. I also heavily endorse ooc discussion and plotting with others alongside actual IC interactions. This is a great, low-pressure environment for developing a taste for a muse, fleshing them out, learning your unique style of portraying them and naturally, if you actually do want to commit to that muse after all. Much of the development and decision making behind my newer muses all began and is still on-going on discord, which helps keep me in check and keep my muses fresh and exciting to write for!

As for your dilemma with the type of muses you’re looking to adopt, I feel like your struggle is coming from the fact you specifically want ‘soft villains’ which are in remarkably short supply simply because...well, villains are typically meant to be villainous, not soft. I very rarely see characters embodying both traits at once because the two generally don’t mix, and people trying to play blatantly evil characters while simultaneously making them soft and kind (even if not overtly) tends to just come across as woobifying your bad guy, depending on the context of the character. Conflicted villains do exist, angsty villains do exist, complex, multi-faceted villains do exist, but the defining trait of an antagonist remains the same; they are bad people purposefully doing bad things. Softness doesn’t often come into the equation for straight-laced villains unless they are a) a reluctant antagonist or b) a repentant antagonist. But in the latter case especially, they cease to really be a villain at the point they decide not to do villainous things and repent/pay for their wrongdoings. 

In my opinion, what you need is a compromise between the two in which you can have the best of both worlds, and one of the better ways to explore both dynamics in one entity is to explore characters that were not always inherently evil or villainous but are pushed there by extreme circumstances and become almost distinct entities from their old selves. Characters that have a past of kindness and philanthropy that are twisted into villains by circumstance, environment or life experiences, or vice versa, will allow you to have two distinct verses where you can explore either side of the coin in peace, at any given point in their path to villainy (or from it) that you desire. A good example that might be pertinent to you is Hector from the CV game Curse of Darkness. He begins as a villain serving under Dracula with his abilities as a Devil Forgemaster, only to grow reluctant in his duties and eventually abandons Dracula and the castle altogether, deciding it would be best if Dracula’s reign of terror was ended. He also forsakes his abilities as a Forgemaster and retreats into living a mundane human life until the events of Curse of Darkness, where he actually assumes the role of a Hero. A really good textbook example of a complex, conflicted villain who ends up repenting for his involvement in the bigger antagonist’s doings and becoming a good guy. Highly recommend you check out his game and read the accompanying manga if you haven’t already, as he might be just what you’re looking for.

Another option is to choose a character that has an alter-ego of sorts. In my case, I also run a duo-muse blog consisting of two vampiric muses. The first is Ayin, a God-figure who is cruel, ruthless, barbaric and, for lack of a better word, purely evil. The second is Carvel, a “clone” of Ayin who retains all of the former’s godly powers, but is trying to save the world from his true self and from other vampires Ayin created that prey on humans. He is a good man that wants to protect others and would put his own life on the line to do it. Naturally, this gives me a lot of room to play with both sides of the coin whenever I happen to feel like it, and my muse tends to fluctuate heavily on the daily between whether I want to write for a nastier muse or a gentler one.

Last of all? Maybe choose an antihero. A character that’s kind of a dick on the surface but isn’t actually a textbook villain, and will come through to do the right thing when push comes to shove. These are in much greater abundance in the media since they’re a pretty standard archetype and I think you won’t have much trouble singling out a muse that fits that description. Also gives a lot of wiggle-room to play with where characterisation is concerned!  (I’ve been watching a lot of Yu-Gi-Oh with my best friend and girlfriend lately and tbh Seto Kaiba is a prime example of a anti-hero in that he is so blatant about his distaste for the protagonists but always comes through to save their GD lives every single time.)

It’s a little beyond me to suggest characters for you to consider adopting as a muse since, naturally, I have no idea who you are as a person or what characters you already enjoy except maybe those from the Castlevania franchise (hence my one and only recommendation thus far of Hector.) But the best thing for you to do is just experiment with handfuls of muses from any franchise you enjoy, practice them with your friends, and eventually you’ll strike gold with the one you know is for you. Just keep searching and just keep trying.

[alannahaisling]

The day I slipped into a Panic and anxiety attack.

This, this is going to be long winded.

I'm just going to come out and say it. No, I don't want sympathy. This is just me using this particular blog for what it was meant for. A space for me to vent, to be my authentic self. To reflect, to just let things spill out from my mind through my fingers and onto the screen on which you may be reading this.

First things first. The Icons I'll be using here are not rp muns, they are simply my emotions on display. My IRL self as displayed by characters I adore from the Teen Titans fandom.

Ooookay lets get down it.

I help moderate a stream, have been doing it for a while. I became fast friends with the streamer and pull long hours. Roughly 4-5 hours per stream, unless I have class the next day.

To my knowledge, nobody ever had an issue with me. Save the odd person here or there, that may have disagreed with me, but at least they would tell me to my face, and I would shrug it off and move on. It was as simple as that.

My friend, who I love to death, has on more than one occasion had to reassure me that I was actually doing a good job. I lost count how many times I asked if I needed to improve, or if there were any rough areas that may need to change.

A good chunk of the time, they would just kinda raise their voice, and be like. "Damnit, you're good. You're fine." and then try to cheer me up with silly cat pictures. My ultimate kryptonite.

This friend of mine has worked with me for a few years now, talking about deep heavy personal stuff. They know I am medically diagnosed with ptsd, social anxiety, and have been dealing with depression for years. So they're not a stranger to my triggers and I love them for respecting when I need to just be alone, or only want some quality time one on one for a few hours. You hear that you knucklehead? Yeah you, I know you at least read this shit.

Moving on.

On friday, we had a.. bad night of it. Not even an hour in, after happily gathering folks who wanted to play the chosen game with us that night, someone. Who I will call 2P, dumped a huge paragraph, attacking my character and personality as a mod, in my friends private discord DMS.

2P for months, had been telling me to my face, that they saw me as a best friend, that anything I ever said and or did would be safe to do. You know the whole, you can trust me bit. I blindly trusted, and hind sight maybe I shouldn't have.

Meanwhile the entire time, I apparently had been talked about behind my back, negatively for a while? I don't know.

So we paused the stream, and go into another server that's locked down to a limited set of people and discuss it. Friend is, PISSED, but is trying to not yell, and asks me what we should do about it.

In my head I'm just reeling. I'm asking my friend, if I'm a bad mod, if I've fucked up somewhere, I'm totally confused. I can't concentrate, and there's this choking hurt in my chest. One I know all too well.

The feeling of dread. The feeling that I messed up, that I'm useless, and a fraud.

My friend is trying hard to make sure I'm okay, by this point they know, this has fucked with my head. In a huge way. 17- going on 18 years of therapy suddenly going down the drain, spiralling out of control.

They Cut the stream short.

I'm exhausted, tired, feeling beaten. I just say a few things to 2P and leave their discord server, kick them from my private one, and from the one I made for my streamer friend for the game we play with other people. In addition, also a possible person who may cause me issues, because 2P's probably been shit talking me for a few months now.

Friend is arguing on my behalf, another mutual and their friend, instantly demands to get in call. We'll call them... Uh.. Fuck, Tataru , and Estinien for sake of ease. Tataru is having none of it, they are witnessing my typed anxieties. They are hearing our mutual friend, trying very hard to not just *yell*.

2P is dropping the nasty paragraph in other dms now, belonging to other regulars. It's escalating pretty fast. I am now a villain, and a victim in one role, and 2P is also playing the role of victim because my dearest friend just told 2P Off.

"2P, isn't getting it!" My friend is saying with a calm anger. "2P is just constantly going on and on about how (my name) is bad for the stream." Or something to that effect. "They don't even fucking realize how fucking hurtful they are being."

"You need to stop responding." Tataru is saying. "Just, tell the mother fucker, NO and block 2P on everything."

I guess 2P is quickly realizing that they are losing the fight, so they come into my dms. Shit forgot to block them there. I think in my head, and I see them trying to bring the argument to me. They tell me, that I'm handling the situation all wrong.

I don't even respond. I'm tired. I'm just done. I'm mentally slipping back to the days I was mentally and emotionally abused, and gaslit.

GASLIT.

GASLIT!

I block 2P. For my mental health.

Estinien with their calming voice, is outlining streamer etiquette rules. 2P is definitely out of line, as a viewer. If we want, Estinien can pretty much hit up a wider streamer network, and have the name of 2P blacklisted from other communities.

By this point, another regular is talking to my friend asking what is going on. Then another. Slowly, I read through logs my friend has dumped into the 4 person private call.

Then I see it.

"I'll just lie through my teeth to her about why I'm leaving or something. Just don't tell (My name) I said any of this. " In regards to the in game guild My friend and I Co Run.

Silently mutter to myself. Not that the others can hear me, my headsets broken. "Ah, the other shoe has dropped. 2P's been lying to me the whole time. I've been gaslit all over again. No wonder I feel like I do."

Estinien and Tataru get sleepy and go to bed. My friend stays up as long as they can as I sort my head out, trying to timeline events. I'm given logs, screen shots. 2P's been blocked. I lock down my twitter for a day. I lose 20 hours sleep.

I spent those 20 hours of no sleep, asking and apologizing to regulars if 2P has ever talked to them about me. Most of them say NO, and reassure me I'm a good mod, that I make the stream warm, fun, welcoming and comfortable for all kinds of people.

A good friend of mine, who I will ironically call Angellica, because we call each other sis, and I view myself as Eliza from Hamilton. Once had told me to be careful with 2P from the start, because they had a bad vibe about them, is PISSED off, and yeets them out of an in game group chat. "Fuck em, 2P's a troll."

I realize, that Angellica literally stood by and chose my happiness. Cause yeah, I thought 2P was someone I could trust. After what happened though, I realized that I had been mistaken and apologized, To Angellica.

Now 2P is going around seeing who still will consider them friends, or are neutral parties. I was made aware of this because one of them, a mature friend actually asked me what 2P was going on about. So I gave them the run down. They were disgusted with 2P's behavior.

Now a days, 2P takes screen shots of anybody on twitter, that has blocked them and smears their names.

2P still doesn't get it.

But I'm moving on from it.

I have screenshots and logs. But I don't ever plan on releasing them publicly.

So yeah, 2P if you ever come across this, and figure out I'm talking about you, I severed ties with you, because friends don't lie to each other, Friends don't talk behind each others backs, they don't force other good close friends to sit on the *truth* of how you feel. Friends can disagree, and can have different opinions.

But You burned your bridges yourself.

I've always had a three strike ruleset.

One: You lied to my face multiple times.

Two: You pretended to be my friend.

Three: You actively gaslit me, and my friend.

Sooo THAT'S why I cut ties with you. Your behavior after that was just you playing the victim, and none of us 30 plus year olds were just going to sit by and let you have your 20 something year old tantrum.

I bare you no ill will, and I doubt any of us are going to even blast you in an open space like twitter releasing the logs or screen shots. I'm just noping out of this parasocial relationship because that's all it was. I refuse to be used, as a way for people to get close to and use my friend as they work on their passions and goals.

Adieu 2P , nothing was lost the day I walked away, except all the work my friend did to get me out of my isolated shell. But you know what? They'll just pull me back out, and support me 100% You'll never break us up.