#Piss Fart was like. A 6. 6 and a half. I love they made him redub some scene

[slightly-gay-pogohammer]

watched the Mario movie

..

Is it okay to say it was a 9/10?

[yamithediaperdork]

From attack mode to baby mode final

with his diaper bag packed and Leo dressed and ready to go, Baby Yusei was helped into a large stroller by his 'big bro and sis' though he fussed and whined a little as he tried to get comfy in the dark blue thing.

Oh, it was big enough that he barely had to bend his legs to fit in and everything and it was padded so it felt like he was on a pillow but still, some small part of him felt like he should be WALKING.

Luna had gotten his diaper bag and some toys packed away in the under carriage and it was Leo who was shaking a rattle in Yusei's face trying to calm him down.

"shhh it's ok little guy! Look I know you wanna walk to the park like a big kid, but you ALSO know you're just gonna get tired and wanna be carried. you can run around LOTS once we get to the park ok?" Leo tried.

Sucking on his paci and squirming in his thick diapers and pretty outfit, Yusei sighed and stopped his fusing but reached out with his hand, opening and closing it.

the universal gesture of 'gimme' among babies and toddlers (and some adults)

Leo smirked and pulled the rattle back towards himself for a Second as Luna stood up and Yusei whimpered and whined, reaching with both hands now.

He didn't really get why he wanted the damn thing SO much but he could feel the tears building up as he stained for it.

"Leo! Stop teasing him and give him the rattle or you'll be joining him in the stroller!" Luna scolded, hands on her hips.

with how fast he tossed the rattle into the stroller for Yusei to play with it, you'd of sworn the thing had become super hot to the touch, but Yusei just giggled and grabbed it, shaking it lots and sucking on his paci.

The walk to the park wasn't all that long, but somehow they seemed to past half the people they knew on the way. Each and every time they were stopped Yusei was sure he was about to be laughed at, or get asked what the hell he was doing but everyone just treated him like he'd always been a little sissy baby.

'Huh, some sorta..re-writiing of history? a illusion of sorts? who's got the power to pull off something like this?" Yusei wondered, going deep in thought even as he kept shaking the rattle.

So deep in thought was he he didn't realize that Crow had been looking down at him till the orange haired duelist reached in and light brushed his fingers on Yusei's nose, then put his thumb between two fingers.

"Got your nose!" Crow teased and Yusei giggled at that and reached up with a free hand, trying to get it back.

Crow teased him for about 10 seconds before relenting and Yusei just let his instincts in this time line or whatever was going on take over. To that end once he got a hand on crow's, he dropped the rattle and put his other hand on Crows and made a snatching motion then put both his hands onto his face and giggled as he removed them, implying he'd put his nose back.

"Oh my, such a clever baby! I know when I'm Licked." Crow chuckled and ruffled Yusei's hair. "You guys have fun but don't stay out too long, it's gonna be a scorcher today and you don't want the baby getting a sun burn."

Advise given, the duelist walked off and the trio finally made they're way into the park, heading right for the playground equipment.

Well almost right for, Luna took them to a park bench first and started to get some things unloaded while Leo amusingly started to jog in place.

"Can I go play now? Can I go play now? Can I go play now?" He kept asking.

"remind me again which one of us is technically older?" Luna asked, rolling her eyes. "and if you'd help me get some toys out and get Yusei set up in the sand box, you can go and hit the swings."

"Finnnne." Leo said and then grabbed the bucket that Luna offered and stuffed it with a toy shovel and rake and then dashed over to the sandbox to plant it for Yusei, and called over from the sand box.

"NOW can I go play?"

"I hope your not as hyper as him when you get to be his age Yusei." Luna said softly, smirking and undoing the straps of the Stroller and helping Yusei out even as he frowned a little.

'Huh? when i get to be his age? I'm older then he is!..aren't I?' Yusei wondered mentally.

He would of put more focus on that thought but as he was set on the the ground on all fours his body surprised him by taking off crawling at a fair speed heading for the sand box.

Luna kept up, though she was also clearly keeping one eye back on the stroller and then as they got to the sand box she stayed out to watch as Yusei climbed in and found the feeling of the sand between his fingers to rather interesting and kept grabbing big handful's of it and coo'ing, letting the paci fall from his mouth.

"Now remember Yusei, the sands for playing in, not for eating." Luna coo'ed.

"and try and leave some in the sandbox this time." Leo joked then gave Luna a pleading look and went to open his mouth,.

"Yes Leo, you can go and play now. but don't wander off anywhere by yourself. I don't wanna have to go looking for you again." Luna said, then raised a eyebrow and that caught Yusei's attention, and he noticed how Leo was hopping around.

"But first go and use the bathroom." Luna giggled.

"I don't have to!" Leo huffed, blushing.

"Leo, if you wet your trainers, you'll have to wear one of Yusei's diapers. do you want that?" Luna asked.

"..I'm gonna go and use the bathroom, but only cuz -I- wanna!" Leo huffed and then took off for the public restroom.

"Boys, am I rite?" Luna asked and smirked, leaning down and ruffling Yusei's hair.

He would of complained or pointed out he was a boy, but between his sissy outfit and the urge to make a sand castle the argument was gone from his mind in seconds.

The sand box didn't have anyone in it making Yusei king (or was that queen?) of the sand box for about the first 20 minutes he was playing in it.

he was amazed to find how fun it was to just dig his hands into the sand and pretend it was a sand monster but after a few minutes of that, it was time to get to work.

Any self respecting Queen of the sand box after all had to have his own castle, that was just common sense and spending 15 or so seconds planing it out, he took hold of the pail and shovel Luna had give him and got to work.

His Castle would be composed of grand towers where lots of guards could be stationed to protect their loving queen, and have a moat around it to trap the stinky heads from the evil fart nation. as such he picture a white stone castle with pink tiled roofs and a massive moat filled with hungry gators that loved to eat pants and undies but never people (he wasn't a monster after all) and would send the soldiers of the fart nation running home clutching they're butts and crying for mommy.

In practice however, it was bucket shaped mounts of sand already crumbling, with some twigs stuck in them for where the flags would be and the moat was drawn in the sand with his finger, him crawling and wiggling his padded behind as he went all around the castle.

turning around Yusei went to call out to Luna to come and see his amazing castle when a mean voice behind him caught his attention.

"Nice sand castle loser. looks more like a pile of dog crap!"

whirling around Yusei saw a 5-6 year old chubby boy with a blond crew cut and wearing blue jeans and a black t-shirt that read 'fuck the rules' on the front of it. Despite mentally knowing he was older and should be bigger and stronger then this little twat monkey, Yusei felt himself trembling in fear.

"L-Leave me alone or I'll call my big sis and brother over!" Yusei stammered out.

"Awww is the widdle pamper packer gonna cry boo hoo hoo and whine for help?" The bully mocked, and rubbing his fists under his eyes mockingly.

Behind him not too fair off was a 12-13 year old in a similar outfit, only with a jean jacket and sporting a kool-aid dyed green Mohawk. figuring it was the bullies big brother, the older boy was smirking and nodding his approval at his little brothers behavior, clearly proud.

'Great.normally I'd handle bullies like this with ease and instead I'm seconds away from wetting myself in terror.' Yusei thought then felt a warm gush in the front of his diapers. 'Never mind..'

"Ha! I heard that! Did the big dumb baby piss his pampers?" the brat said, sticking out his tongue and tugging down on a eyelid with one hand and flipping baby Yusei off with the other. "Here, this will really make you sob and fudge your huggies!" He said and then before baby Yusei could react, he raised a foot and stomped down on the sand castle, making quick work of it.

"N-No STOP!! I-I worked weally h-hard on..L-LUNA! L-LEO!" Yusei cried out, starting to wail.

He wasn't sure what they had been doing but within seconds they were at his side, with Luna kneeling down and trying to comfort Yusei and letting him blubber on her shoulder while Leo clenched a fist and got in the bullies face.

"What's wrong with you? Picking on a little kid?! I got half a mind to give you a taste of your own medicine!" He growled.

"go ahead, try it.. OH Maxxxxx!" The little bully called, and the punk from before strolled over.

"There a problem here billy?" the boy asked, smirking and making sure his much more developed then normal for his age muscles showed.

"This green haired little snot is threatening to kick me butt!" Billy said with a smirk."Can you kick his instead?"

"Sure thing little dude." Max said and went to go and deliver a punch to Leo's face, making Leo flinch and turn away, but he never should of worried, the punch was caught by Luna, who looked totally pissed.

"You know..I hate fighting..I would prefer to settle things with a duel." She said, and twisted and squeezed on the fist in her hand, making Max drop to a knee even as he tried with no success to pry her hand off of him.

Billy yelped and then went to attack Luna but Leo stuck out a arm and the soon to be ex bully clothesline himself, doing a 360 before landing face first in the sand, eyes rolling in his head.

"Billy!"Max cried out.

"Is not your concern right now. your little brother made our little baby sissy cry. then you went to attack my twin brother...as I was saying, just because I don't LIKE to fight, doesn't mean I won't. I'm giving you ONE chance to say sorry, and take Billy and leave, Or I'll show you the true meaning of pain." Luna said, eyes burning.

Yusei sniffled and watched in amazement at the sight in front of him, and felt his bowels giving away, filling up the back of his diaper..

'remind me never to piss big sister off!' he thought and stuck a thumb in his mouth, only to pull it out and make a face because the sand on it.

"I..I..I'm sorry." Max was whimpering. "Please just let me go!"

Luna went from a living nightmare to smiling sweetly and let go of Max's fist, and leaning down.

"I hope next time we see you on the playground we can all play ni-" She was saying when Max went for a sucker punch.

Luna blocked it with one arm and punched him across the chin, sending max into a heap next to his brother.

"heh.. gonna call them the candlelight brothers." Leo chuckled, going over and checking on Yusei.

"Hmmm?" Luna asked, turning around and joining him.

"one blow and their out."

"heh, nice. Though I think we better call it a day.. I think we're attracting a bit too much attention." Luna said, looking around at all the stares they were getting. "Besides it smells like somebody made a super stinky diaper!"

Luna added, leaning down and tickling Yusei who giggled and gurgled despite the hot smelly load in his pampers.

Getting back home Luna got Yusei changed into a fresh diaper while Leo when and started the landry, and once the baby was all nice and clean she just had him in a light pink top with purple text that read 'little stinker' in cursive.

"I'm sorry you fun at the park today got ruined little one." Luna was saying, getting Yusei's attention as he seemed to drift out of it for a second.

he couldn't be sure but it seemed like everything in the house was just a bit bigger then it had been before they had left.

'But that's impossible..I'm not shrinking..then again I've woken up to a world where I'm a sissy baby and Luna's a freaking super sayian sooo I guess nothing really is impossible at this point.' Yusei thought.

"It's s'ok Big sis, not your fault people are big stinky farts." Yusei coo'ed, making Luna giggle.

"well put little one. Well I suppose we could watch some cartoons. " Luna said, giving Yusei a hug.

[eepytheartist]

TTTE: Magic Beyond the Engine

Greetings guys, gals, nonbinary pals and everyone in between. Welcome to the Information Page of TTTE: Magic Beyond the Engine, where you can get context to whatever the hell I post on here. There’s a lot and much is subject to change, so buckle up butter cups because we’re going for a ride.

Table o’ Contents

1. Basic Story

2. Characters

3. Personal Headcanons

4. Canonical Relationships within TTTE: MBtE

5. Other Notes

6. Link

I) Basic Story

   Several years ago in the year 20XX, a facility located in [REDACTED] was doing experiments involving a mysterious golden substance and what it could do for the human race. Its goal was to eliminate the need for high-maintenance engines to save money. However, much of what was done ended up being a total flop, except for one. A little girl, Madison [REDACTED] was the only successful trial the facility was able to produce. This girl didn’t know why or how she even got here, but knew that her family didn’t want her, and instead gave her up to this [probably very illegal] facility. For years the scientists running the experiment pushed her to her limits, training her to pull lines of cars weighing several tons. They were delighted by what she could do. They had finally compacted the strength and speed of an engine into a human. However, bad luck struck as the facility went belly up, when Madison was 21. News of the facility spread, and so did news about her. Humanity didn’t take her well, and she was labeled an outcast. Though, in the light of things with her negative fame, Sir Topham Hatt found out about her and thought she’d be a wonderful addition to the railway along with the new tank engine he just bought! So she was picked up by this cheeky little shit, and her story working alongside sentient engines unfolded.

II) Characters

   A) Thomas

      The one who picked up Maddy. He was awfully confused by her, but respected her nonetheless. Still his cheeky self that everyone seems to just adore, Thomas quickly became best friends with her, protecting her whenever she needed it. Thomas sometimes gets a little too cheeky, and pushes her off the edge. Pranks ensue and Thomas is usually left bumbling for apologies. Who knew something so small could be so dangerous. He also commonly gets called ‘Tommy’ by the wee lass, something he absolutely despises. It only fuels her need to use it.

         1) When human, Thomas stands at about 5′ 7″ or 170 centimeters. He’s clad in a simple hoodie that matches his paintwork with a big 1 on the back, and plain khakis. He wishes he could have something else, but he doesn’t get paid and his driver and fireman refuse to lend him money. His hair is fluffy and rather short and is a few shades darker than his paintwork. Maddy likes to braid it when she’s bored and he hates it. Her favorite part though, besides honking his bulbous nose like he was a clown like she does with James, is his eyes. They were a beautiful shade of ocean blue. If he wasn’t such a shit, she’d get lost. He can’t brag though, she basks in all the colors her friends have. 

“Why does she get to swear and I don’t? It’s not fair!” ~T

“Maddy’s an adult, Thomas.” ~E

“Well so am I you old fart!” ~T

   B) Maddy

      Little Maddy. Don’t call her Madison, she hates it with a passion and refuses to explain why. She currently stands at the age of 21, but looks much younger. She had overheard at the facility that a side effect of the mystery stuff was that she aged like an engine, so she could be around for hundreds of years if she wasn’t stupid. At just 5′ 3′’ or 160 centimeters, Maddy is the shortest out of all the engines on the railway, even Bill and Ben. Her hair is a medium shade of brown, kind of long, and it mostly covers one of her eyes, which are, as Thomas describes, “As if the sky could make steel.”. Shy when you first meet her, Maddy is quick to come out of her shell and be just as much of a shithead as Thomas and as angry as James, if not worse than the two combined. Her outfit was rather simple, a dark scarlet hoodie with her number on it, and dark grey or black leggings. She liked it that way, she looked good and it was flexible and comfy. When she first arrived with Thomas, she felt something click with James, despite him being an utter jackass to her. After begrudgingly showing her around and having to shunt trucks, the duo became good acquaintances. It wasn’t until after James’ accident that the two became best friends, being asshats together and generally being a happy sight. He’s the one Maddy is generally seen with if she’s not working on her own. Soon enough, though, something started brewing within her heart.

“Ah crumbs, he’s in a mood.” ~T

“James is always in a mood.” ~M

“Fuck both of you.” ~J

   C) Edward

      Ah, Old Iron. He was there when Thomas and Maddy first arrived to the island. Like most that laid eyes on her, his main worry is that she was itty bitty. Usually calm and collected unless something goes majorly wrong, Edward was quick to unknowingly swoop her under his wings. When Thomas started poking fun at him for being fatherly, Edward nearly keeled over. An engine can’t father a human, can they? He guessed they could as soon after Maddy just gave a shrug and accepted the Number 2 as her father, after being given away by her own. It didn’t take long for Edward to actually father her, asking how her day was, sometimes folding her laundry, comforting her, scolding Maddy James, y’know, dad stuff. He earned the name ‘Dadward’ from her, and his heart melts every time she says it.

         1) As a human, Edward looks like a kindly old man and a youngin’ at the same time. He stands just a bit shorter than James at 6′ or 183 centimeters. With short, almost midnight-blue hair, Edward is the perfect gentleman. He even has a small pair of gold glasses that set snuggly on his nose. His eyes are a lovely shade of steel blue, something he gets flustered about when Maddy compliments him. His outfit consists of a white dress shirt with a dark blue tie, a blazer matching his paintwork with his number on his right arm and dark grey dress pants. He’s not usually in his human form, but when he is, Maddy unusually asks for a lot of hugs..

“Will you two leave her be?” -E

“But look how red her face is!” P&T

“FUCK THE LOT OF YOU-” ~M

   D) James

      Ah, James. One half of what his friends call “The Red Disasters”. He’s still his normal, vain ass self. He has a soft side, everyone knows it but virtually no one can get to it. Except Maddy, who can get to it quite easily. Though, when they first met, all he did was make fun of her. Well, they made fun of each other, but still. They had the complete opposite of favorite jobs, they still do and always will. James loves pulling coaches, she hates it. She loves trucks, he despises it and always tries to weasel his way out. It usually doesn’t work. He’s earned many nicknames from her: Jamsey, Jimbo, Buzzy, Buzzy Butt, the list grows. Two of them came from the mistake about telling her the story about the bees, the other.he’s not too sure. What he is sure of, though, is that Jimbo has spread than to more than just her and he hates it. It fuels her though, so he’s gotta be careful. Originally, though, James didn’t know what to think of her. After the accident, his boiler felt all fluttery and he pushed it down to just being ill. He had to learn the hard way about what romantic love was. He knew how to flirt, it got people to love him more! But what that flirting did, though, he was completely foreign to.

         1) At 6′2′’ or 188 centimeters, James stands as the third tallest among the main eight. When he still had his black livery, James’ human form basically had him looking like what I can simply describe as a butler, though he had a vest and a red tie instead of all black. After, though, he had quite the change. His long, black hair now had dyed red tips and his right ear had a cute little heart piercing. Hair covers most of his left eye, which is what Maddy lovingly described as, “You managed to make the color of red rust beautiful.”. He thinks his hair looks cool only according to Maddy. He usually wears a long-sleeve, dark red button-up shirt with three dark grey stripes on both arms and grey pads on his shoulders. His number was sewn onto his left breast. Maddy pokes fun at him for looking like a band geek, but she nonetheless likes it. His outfit is simply finished off with grey pants. Sometimes, though, he’s seen wearing a solid red hoodie that Maddy got him. He won’t admit that it’s his favorite piece of clothing.

“Honey Bee, you’re acting irrational-” ~J

“DON’T MAKE ME GET THE BEES-” ~M

“NOT THE BEES-” ~J

   E) Gordon

      There isn’t much to say about Gordon. He’s his usual, grumpy self. We all know deep down he’s a good engine, though. Gordon’s...rather indifferent about Maddy. He doesn’t dislike her, but he doesn’t see her appeal either. Nonetheless, she’s an awesome part of the team. She does the most important job: listening to James bitch so they don’t have to. Of course, though, like the rest of the team, he’ll defend her if need be. Gordon has a heart, he just doesn’t like to show it.

         1) Gordon’s the tallest, at 6′8′’ or 203 centimeters. Everything about his human form is perfect. His hair is just a tad darker than Edward’s and a teeny bit shorter. He keeps it slicked back most of the time, but it’s hilarious when he has bed head. Maddy got a picture once and sent it to James just in case he forced her to delete it. Just like most of her friends, Gordon’s eyes were her favorite, they were a blue similar to his hair, but a few shades lighter. Maddy remembers a time she complimented them and Gordon puffed away all red in the face. His outfit consists of a three piece suit, in his paintwork color of course, a white shirt and a red tie. His number is on his right breast.

“The Express isn’t that important.” ~M

“Why I’ll tell you-” ~G

“Is her intent just to piss him off?” ~E

“Yes. It’s both of ours.” ~J

   E) Henry

      Maddy’s favorite engine besides James. Thomas is insulted that he isn’t even considered one of her favorites. Henry gushed over her the first time she came. He must protect the small. Love the small. If James suddenly didn’t exist, Henry would be her go-to. She adored puffing through the forest with him, looking at all the trees and wildlife. Maddy would take pictures of flowers she’d find while strolling through and Henry would just ooze over them. Once she showed him a photo of a squirrel holding a wild flower under an oak tree whose leaves were just started to turn different colors, and the big engine cried with joy. He requested she print the picture out so his driver could carry it for him, and she did. It was his absolute favorite.

         1) 6′6″ or 198 centimeters, what a height to be. At second tallest, Henry is the definition of a gentle giant. His resting face looks nervous, but he’s usually not nervous at all. His hair is a forest green, not too short, not too long. Actually, Maddy’s favorite part of him is his chicken-wing bangs. Of course she loves his eyes, which are a lovely jade green, but the bangs take the cake, Whenever they hang out, she likes to play with them when he talks about plants. He finds it comforting. His outfit is literally just a more modest and fancier workman’s outfit, but matching his livery, with his number on his right breast. It made sense, since he was usually one to do heavy work.

“You don’t like the rain either?” ~H

“The last time I went out in the rain I derailed Percy.” ~M

“Why were you even out in the rain!? You’d catch a cold!” ~E

“Fat Man said I was the only one available and told me to suck it up. I did catch a cold. James tried making me soup, remember?” ~M

“What do you mean tried..?” ~H

“He forgot to cook the chicken beforehand. I got salmonella.” ~M

“So that’s why you were bedridden and wouldn’t talk to him for a week after..” ~H

   G) Percy

      Ah, little shit number two. Thomas’ partner in crime. When he first met Maddy when he arrived, he teased her relentlessly for being short-tempered and short in general. After giving him the silent treatment though, Percy was a bit nicer. He and Thomas still tease her plenty enough, but they tease about things she usually won’t kick their asses for. He likes Maddy now. Plain and simple.

         1) Second shortest, 5′5″ or 165 centimeters. He holds those two inches with pride. Percy uses them against Maddy very frequently. Maddy won’t hurt him though. She physically can’t. His little baby face, those big ol’ light green eyes, that short light green hair, his cute little outfit [which consists of a shamrock colored shirt, black suspenders held up by gold buttons, and dark green shorts]. If he was any smaller Maddy would die. James sometimes gets jealous by how much she gushes over Percy, but doesn’t exactly blame her. Percy’s adorable and he damn well knows it.

“Ha, you’re short.” ~P

“You’re short too.” ~M

“I’m taller than you.” ~P

“Won’t be for long when I take your kneecaps.” ~M

   H) Emily

   Ah, Emily. The first girl engine she met. They made damn good friends, too. They gossiped whenever they had a chance. Maddy usually talked about shit James has said, and Emily just gossips about anything and everything. They were will to throw hands for each other, with Emily more willing to for Maddy. Maddy would throw hands just as an excuse to do it. Emily still loves her, though.

         1) Emily currently stands at 5′8″ or 173 centimeters. She isn’t as girly as she looks, either. Her hair is short, with half of it buzzed off. Maddy would describe her as someone punk-ish. Of course Emily’s personality doesn’t reflect that at all, she just chose to look like it. She’s the only other engine besides James to have piercings, usually with two black on on the top of her ears and hoop earrings to pay honor to her engine build. Emily was a little more casual than her friends, usually seen wearing a simple green dress matching her livery. Her eyes were a very dark grey, almost black, with flecks of brass scattered in there. Maddy told her once that she was the prettiest girl she’s every seen and Emily nearly crashed.

“James being a bitch again?” ~Em

“What do you mean again?” ~M

“I can hear you.” ~J

“I know.” ~M

   I) Others

      Other characters consist of secondary characters within the story who do not play as big a role. There are a few who teeter on the edge between primary and secondary characters, such as Duck, Donald, Douglas, Diesel, Diesel 10, and Lady. They play an important role, but not enough so to have their own descriptions. Diesel’s..y’know, Diesel, the twins think of Maddy as their long-lost sister, Duck..well, they like to poke fun at James together when he’s not droning about the Great Western Railway, Diesel 10′s goal is to get her to say something about Lady, and Lady...no one’s really sure yet. Then, as of right now for true secondary characters there is Oliver, Toad, BoCo, Bill, Ben, Mavis, and Salty. There’s more to come, but that’s what I got right now.

III) Personal Headcanons

-The engines can eat and taste in both forms. They don’t know where it goes when they’re engines and don’t feel like finding out.

-James learned to cook for Maddy when she couldn’t for herself.

-For the longest time, James was the only engine with his own phone.

   -He learned hip language and Maddy started regretting every choice in her life.

-Maddy comes to Salty for him to tell her stories when she’s bored.

-Rain is Maddy’s one weakness since she has no way of covering herself.

-She, along with her friends as humans, run with skates that reflect their wheel configuration. The wheels retract when not in use. [I’m thinking about switching to roller blades, we’ll see.]

-Maddy intentionally starts beef with the Scottish Twins because she thinks the fighting is hilarious.

-Thomas will occasionally beg Maddy for a cotton candy sucker. Specifically cotton candy. She doesn’t know why either.

-Thomas initiated a prank war with her once. He lost.

-Gordon once bet her that she couldn’t pull his heavy goods. His driver was out 30 bucks because of him.

-Maddy tortures Duck with duck puns.

-Maddy still trick-or-treats for free candy.

-Emily once convinced Maddy to derail James for the fun of it. She was subsequently chased around the island.

-James is the ultimate flirt and he uses that against Maddy, who flusters very easily. 

-Percy loves Teddy Grahams.

-Edward likes loves to tell others about his daughter. Maddy does not. He is becoming too dad-like.

-The Scottish Twins know damn well that Maddy simps for their accents and they intentionally use it against her if they can.

-Maddy knows about Diesel’s ducklings. It’s the only reason she decides to befriend him.

-James utterly hates Diesel for many many reasons.

-Like many others headcanon, Thomas can’t cook. He fucked up a cup of ramen once and Maddy still refuses to let him live it down.

-Edward refuses to let Thomas and Percy swear. They hate it. James and Maddy know this. They swear more because they can’t.

-James and Maddy are at a tie for worst potty mouths. The twins don’t count. That’s not fair.

-Oliver thought Maddy was an engine for like a month before he met her.

-Maddy dislikes the Mainland. Not the engines there. They’re cool. 

-If Maddy isn’t around, James sleeps in her bed with her hoodie.

-Henry worries for Maddy all the time. More and Edward and James combined. He just doesn’t show it.

-Gordon says he has no opinion on Maddy, but he really does like her.

-No one knows where Maddy’s really from. She won’t tell them either. Not even James or the Fat Man really know.

-Want more? Just ask!

IV) Canon Couples within TTTE: MBtE

~James/Maddy

~Edward/Henry

~Emily/Thomas

~D10/Lady (In the past)

~~We’ll see about others as the story progresses~~

V) Notes

- Lady is the reason the engines have sentience. She is not the reason for their human forms. That will be explained later.

-Maddy is much more resilient than an average human, which is why most accidents don’t just straight up kill her.

-As stated before, Maddy can now live for hundreds of years if she’s careful enough. She won’t age as fast as a normal human, so who knows how long she’ll be baby-faced. Not that she cares, more opportunity to trick-or-treat.

-The engines can get frisky, but no babies. Don’t even think about it.

-Maddy will eventually give in and buy beds for all her friends to give them an opportunity to sleep like she does.

VI) Link

Silly me, I forgot to give a link to my story! Shame on me for making you search, that won’t happen again, here you go!

Sodor’s New Worker

________________________________________________________________

And that’s really it. If you have any questions, please please please please please ask!

UPDATED: August 3, 2021

[prorevenge]

Dispatcher refuses to send van in for maintenance. Gets forced to change my tire while I enjoy dinner on company time.

Hey all. So this is my first story on here that is squarely just a revenge. I honestly think it's a bit more pro than petty, but not really critical enough to go full nuclear, so here I am!

This story is one of how a lowly delivery driver got to royally irk a dispatcher, waste his time, get 4 hours of overtime, meal paid for, and a free beer. TL;DR below for your pleasure.

So I was a driver for a little company that rhymes with Slamazon. I had been there for several months by this point, and had developed a reputation of being very anal about vehicle maintenance. We aren't talking like washing them or whatnot, but cleaning out urine bottles, fixing broken wiper blades, installing lights to replace the burnt out ones, or other stuff that would indicate you actually remotely care for your driver's wellbeing. (Seriously guys, I had a van once with no working lights of any kind, and the passenger side door fell off its hinges right in front of my dispatchers, and they still sent me out). Needless to say, some trips were better than others, but this particular time, well, it was a doozy.

You see, friends, I was considered a problem driver by some for being obsessed with vehicles being kept road legal. I had not caused any issues other than this. We had dispatchers that were promoted up after a month, and after hitting mailboxes, cars, and other kinds of insanity, but I was always skipped over. This naturally irked me to no end, and I was looking for better within 6 months of starting. (I was there for nearly 2 years)

Naturally, all my requests for the essential equipment and urine bottle removal was denied, so I'd buy bulbs for my van, and pull them out after my route was done so I could put them into the next one the next day, and I chucked piss bottles out on the record. Kinda gross, but better than smelling it in the hot Georgia sun in the middle of summer in a van with sometimes working AC. This nonsense continued for the entirety of my time there, of course. This event however was the first of many times I decided to get back at the dispatchers for messing with my routes, and giving me the worst vans, and so on.

You see, this van had the lights that were bad. Broken AC. Shook like mad. Squeaked. Smelled like piss, and musty taco farts. Door didn't properly lock so anybody could have stole packages from it, and not much could be done. And to top this all off, 4 bad tires. Like, metal bands exposed, and one bulging out in it's death throws. The whole day, I babied this van as best I could. Putting air in the tire a few times, and just barely finished my route with some daylight to spare. So, 10 hours on the road down, and an hour and a half back to the distribution center. I get underway, and get about half way before I felt the tell tail shake of a tire going out.

"Well shit, here we go." I say to myself, and scan my surroundings. I am on the interstate, and not very far from an off ramp. So with what little tire I have left. I limp off the ramp, and to a parking lot which is right next to an Applebees (perfect luck, all things considered). I call dispatch, and give my exact location, and tell them what happened. The conversation goes as thus.

Me-Chucketbucket007, hello, again guys! Dipfuck- Dipshit dispatcher

That's it.

Me- Hey, I got a flat over here at (my location) Dipfuck- What? How? Me- Because you sent me out in a van that needed tires? Dipfuck- Fine, whatever, everyone has gone home, so you are gonna have to wait till I get there. Me- Sure. That's fine. I'll stay clocked in, then. Dipfuck- Uh-huh. You finished your route, so I don't see why you would be on the clock. Me- Because I am still in command of this vehicle, I have the keys, and if you want me to give it back, you are going to keep me on the clock.

I had called the company HR, and explained everything before I called dispatcher, and they ensured me that my time would be recorded.

Dipfuck- ...FINE, I have things to do tonight, so we gotta hurry up.

Perfect. Time to screw with this guy.

After giving him extremely vague directions while I enjoy a steak meal, and a large beer (on the clock, and no fucks given anymore) he finally finds it. I go out there, and see that he has brought the smallest, saddest, most not suitable for the task jack in the center.

Me- Well get to it, you made me leave with this van, and you can change the tire.

Dipfuck- NUH-UH, YOU WERE DRIVING IT, AND..

I interject.

Me- Drivers are not allowed, but company policy to perform repairs to the van. (He had yelled at me previously for doing this with the bulbs) only dispatch, management, maintenance, and the repair shop can repair the van.

So I walk away to finish my meal, while he tries to fix this flat with a jack barely able to lift the front of the vehicle, and needed bricks, and other items to even go high enough. In total, I wasted 4 hours of his time, cost him time to smoke up, and he missed the game that he apparently had money on. I got my meal effectively for free with the hefty overtime I got that week.

And as an extra smackdown, corporate came in, and fired the manager, assistant manager, and this particular dispatcher for failure to maintain the vehicles to DOT standards, and for mismanaging the DSP (delivery service provider) after my lovely chat with HR during the incident. I showed them the text messages, and some of the recorded audio I had taken of dispatcher being a general douchecanoe.

A week later, and we had a temp management comprised of corporate operations that would oversee the vans getting replaced with less shitty ones, training new management, and of course, giving training on what to do if you have a vehicle fail like that, and granting drivers some maintenance permissions.

TL;DR make drivers drive a van that is unfit for service, get nuked by a pissed off driver with little to lose.

(source) story by (/u/Chucketbucket007)

[onisiondrama]

(Note: I’m not repeating stories he’s told before and just putting them in parenthesis. I have a lot more videos to go until I’m caught up so that would save me a lot of time. If he gives details I never heard from him before, I will type those.)

“You Got Played and That's Dangerous” September 20, 2020, Speaks

- He asks where is your money? Hansen took thousands of dollars in donations. He was getting hundred dollar donations at a time. Hansen said he was going to throw James in prison, he’s under investigation by the police and FBI. You guys bought it. - Says someone wrote him saying they donated to Sarah’s Venmo and were later disgusted to find out she was full of it. - He asks where the money for Shiloh’s tattoo cover up went? He says he was told it was already covered up years ago. - Says Shiloh got pregnant while she cheated on him and took his money. Says Shiloh said he would pay James back. She gave him a fake wiring number. When he went to the money mart to collect it, the guy said that wasn’t a valid number. It didn’t have enough characters in it. - He asks what happened to Sarah’s laptop. Says the police would have raided him the day of or the day after if there was legitimate proof someone was like that. Says that was a year ago. - Repzion raised $23,000 for legal expenses, then he decided to spend it on repairing his car. He didn’t need the funds because he (James) dismissed the case. Says it cost him (James) $350 - $400 total. - Says you guys paid them to make him suffer or because you thought they were legitimate victims. He’s the most honest person he’s ever met. He never met anyone whos honesty is as non-self serving as his. Says for example, the first time he tried to sleep with a girl he couldn’t get it up. Says he once kissed his cousin when he was 13. Says he doesn’t need to say these things, but he doesn’t care. That’s why he started adult sites. - (Stripped in the military story.) - Says you recklessly gave your money to people who want to use you. They delivered you no results. The police say it appears there are no actual victims. The police officer agrees with the former air force cop. Says he strictly abides by the law outside beating his dad and speeding on the highway sometimes. - He says you call him a predator because he says things you don’t like, like you’re fat. You can’t handle criticism. If you say he’s done something evil, you think it invalidates everything he ever did. - Hansen has a problem with honesty and integrity. He doesn’t get the full story before talking about someone. - If you consume what you hate, you not only come closer to that in which you hate, you become like a hero that becomes the villain because he doesn’t die soon enough. - Asks what happened to the women that wanted “justice”? Asks if the police looked at what these women were saying and told them they were stupid. The former air force cop actually knows and respects the law. - Says the internet is mentally disabled. You can’t get through to them. - These people conned you out of thousands of your dollars and you cheer for them. They sold you a story that Onision is going to prison and you wished he would get violated in prison like a bunch of sociopath sickos. He wouldn’t wish that one anyone. He just jokes about it. - He says a couple days ago someone’s Youtube channel got terminated recently because they tried to commit a crime against him. Says it was the same person who went after snoopy [he doesn’t remember the person’s name] They’re part of the goon squad. Someone committed perjury by filing a claim against that person and he let Youtube know. The person went to do more things, lying on legal documents. - People said on a police report, James said Hansen was yelling into his house. Says Hansen was so loud, he could hear him through a door from his downstairs. Says what you guys see if not the full footage. He has the Ring footage. Says yelling is an accurate description. What kind of creepy nasty old man Youtuber shows up to another Youtuber’s house? The police told him he needed to leave. Hansen worked with a guy who was in the news for allegedly groping woman. That guy came to his house. - Last time Hansen showed up at someone’s house, that person committed suicide. Says you’ll probably say that guy deserved to die because he’s a preparator. Says you sound like you are sick and disgusting. - Says former mods of his who he kicked out hang out with anti-o’s. He says it’s not healthy. Says 4 months before he booted a mod from his server, she sent him an email with heart emojis. After he booted her, she said she hated him for a year and a half. Says she’s 36 and she’s now running a campaign against people on his server who don’t hate him. - Someone went on Hansen and said he told her to dye her hair and get a tattoo. He said he told her to dye her hair green and get a spray on tan so she’d look like an Ooma Loompa so he’d take her back because she lied to him. He says people paint that like it’s some kind of psychoses, like the chained to the wall thing. Says she was already voluntary waned a collar on her neck during intercourse. - A lot of women like to be in a Dom / Sub scenario. You guys live in a delusion where you would have to have sex with a women with your hands up so they can’t freak out later on on the internet. People lie all the time. - Says the lies about him aren’t even criminal. Says as far as he knows, there are three women just complaining because he broke up with them and hurt their feelings. - The law took his side. He never heard from the FBI. He only heard from the police when you guys falsely report him. No raids. Says you guys told the cops he murdered Sarah, but she answered the door. It’s a crime to give false reports to the police. - Says the women are all homewreckers. Shiloh broke up his first marriage. He says it was partially his fault because he fell for her. Says she initiated it as a business arrangement. Introduced herself as a Canadian pop star and they talked over Skype. She started putting things in there like she was into him. He was married to a friend who he wasn’t passionately into. They made videos together. Says his ex wife would get upset and quit halfway though. Says Shiloh once quit halfway through, then demanded he finish the video with her. He says he guesses that’s good. - Shiloh inserted herself into a married man’s life and he split. Says he doesn’t regret that decision. - (Skye alimony story, prenup story) - Says Billie tried to break up his marriage. One time she said if Kai and James broke up, she’d stay with Kai. (Billie and Greg slept together story) He says he lived 2 miles from a shopping mall, but Billie and Ayalla told you guys he lived in the middle of nowhere to make it seem like they needed help. He said after he caught Billie and Ayalla sneaking into an uber after he broke up with Billie, she cried and hugged Kai. Says Kai was pissed off because Billie cheated on him. He tells Billie to not abandon himself and Kai and if she wants the relationship to work, but she wanted to leave. He says he thinks she just really wanted to smoke weed. She tried to hug him and he rejected her hug and ran back to his house. - He says after cuddlegate, she went on a livestream and said she wasn’t a homewrecker, she just bruised their relationship. He says she laughed about that. (Cuddlegate story) - (Sarah sexually extorted him story) Says before he realized he was sexually extorted, he was trying to make things better. He tried to mend things and she asked him to fly to her state. He says he realized she was only trying to be with him, not Kai. (Aladdin story) - He says when she threatened her life, she said she loved Greg, not Kai. He says she was staying in a cabin near their house. Not with them. She was working at target. (Dat booty doe, kick out story) - Says he’s so honest that if everyone who was a Youtuber was sentenced to die, and someone asked who in the room was a Youtuber, he’d raise his hand. Says he’s not happy to be alive because he has adjustment disorder and depression. - Says a woman from animal control came out because someone reported he fated on his dog and fed them a muffin. He says he didn’t fart on his dog, but even if he did they eat their own shit so she shouldn’t have come out. She came with another officer and she wrote there’s an active investigation. He says there is no active investigation, but people saw that and believed it. - You’re an idiot if you believed their story because you didn’t ask what his side was. - Says you guys accuse him of being 5′ 6″. He touches the ceiling to prove he’s not 5′ 6″. He says you accused him of having a baby carrot. He says Only Fans proved that one wrong. You’re the dumbest community of people he ever encountered. - Victims don’t want money. Greedy people pretend to be victims for money. - He says Billie charged $50 on Only Fans. He says that’s greedy. He asks if she thinks she’s god’s gift to humanity.

[bloodandfire-kennyhickeyfanfic]

Chapter 12 - Welcome To The Machine

Arizona State, October 16 1994

"No, you've got to be fucking kidding me!" Kenny exclaims as we stand outside the tour bus on a long stretch of Highway, somewhere between Phoenix and Tuscon Arizona. It was mid afternoon and the bright Arizona sun was beating down as the tour bus driver - Mike - attempts to flag someone down for some help. The bus of course decided to breakdown, the ball bearings of the front tires apparently seized causing the bus to lock up completely on the highway. We were all just perfectly fine drinking and hanging out when there was this huge thrust forward and the driver had to steer us off to the side of the highway. I fucking thought we like hit someone or something but no, it's just the stupid bus. Fuck sakes!

"Ok, look guys... I'm just gonna head back and see if there is a gas station or something. I'm gonna have to call someone for help, so Andi, here... take the bus keys and I'll be back," Mike says pulling out the keys from his pocket. He was incredibly tall and really built, I almost didn't picture him as a bus driver at all.

"Wait...what do you want me to do with the keys?" I ask taking the keys from him and flipping my curls out of my face.

"Just keep 'em for now, but I'll be back guys, I swear," Mike says and turns off to walk down the highway. I stood there in the hot Arizona sun looking down at the keys in my hand and turn around to see Kenny, and Johnny leaning against the bus having a smoke, Peter turning around and heading back up into the bus and Josh was still up in his bunk on the bus sleeping off his hangover.

"What the fuck are we gonna do now?" Johnny asks taking a drag of his smoke.

"I uh, guess we just wait," I say as I walk up to Kenny and Johnny and I glance back at Mike as he walks farther away from us.

"Fuck... it's always something," Kenny says as he takes a drag of his cigarette and looks down at himself, his jet black curls gently blowing in the breeze.

"We just better not miss the show man. All our gear shows up and we're nowhere to be found... how the hell would we explain that?" Johnny says, his tone slightly frustrated.

"Don't worry, we'll make it..." I say trying to sound hopeful as Kenny glances at me exhaling a cloud of smoke.

*6 Hours Later*

"I thought you said we would make it," Kenny smirks at me with a sarcastic tone as we sit up on the bus waiting for Mike. It was now dark out and here we are still sitting on the side of the highway with a broken down bus and 4 guys who are all annoyed at me somehow because I apparently was the one who broke the bus.

"It's not my fault Mike hasn't come back yet," I say in a flatly as I sit across from Kenny on the couch.

"No but it is your fault for letting him go with the fucking change because now we have no way to call anyone for help," Kenny says angered.

"How the fuck was I supposed to know he had all the change? I've never had to carry change on me because usually we have a fucking working bus, it's not my fault,"

"Oh so you're going to bring up how it was soooo much better working for Soundgarden cause they had better working equipment,"

"Excuse me?! When did I ever bring up Soundgarden... all I said was that I've never had to deal with a broken down bus before!" I shoot back at Kenny, my anger clearly revealed at this point.

"First fucking time for everything right?!"

"Ok, look yelling at me is not going to get us there any faster alright, just fucking chill," I say as I loosen the laces to my Doc Martens and avoiding his eyes altogether. I'm really not in the mood to

"Chill? Really? Just fucking chill she says," Kenny chuckles sarcastically and I look over at him completely pissed with him.

"Well what the fuck am I supposed to do? Get out underneath the bus and fix it myself?!" I yell back at him.

Now, I'm really pissed.

"Hey guys, stop ok... look we're all a little tired and hungry lets just relax ok," Johnny says as he walks up from the back lounge area of the bus. Suddenly there were some bright flashing lights that could be seen out of the windshield up at the front and get up off the couch quickly to run out and see Mike in the passenger side of the large tow truck pulling up in front of the bus.

"Oh my god, what the fuck took so long?" I ask as Mike steps out of the passenger side of the tow truck.

"It took forever to find a gas station and then when I finally was able to get a hold of a tow truck, it was already dark. I'm sorry guys, we got help but you missed your set though," Mike says.

"Yea no shit," Kenny says as the tow truck guys get to working on the front of the bus.

"I uh, got a hold of Jerry and he's sending the equipment bus to pick you all up so it might be a little longer of a wait but at least you'll be able to make it to Tuscon and get to a hotel," Mike explains.

"Ok... thank you Mike," I say relieved at the fact that we don't have to sleep on the bus on the side of the highway.

*****

Not long after, we were finally picked up by the equipment bus and stuffed all our luggage as best we could into the bus, then made our way into Tuscon and checked into a hotel. Since there were only two rooms available, Peter, Josh and Johnny decided to all share one which left Kenny and I with the other. Once we reached our room and we set our bags down by the door, I threw my leather jacket on the chair and immediately began to peel off my Dead Kennedy's tank top, tossing it on to the floor and then sit myself down on the bed to unlace my Doc Marten's.

Kenny and I haven't said one word to each other since we were yelling at each other back on the broken down bus and I wasn't in the mood to argue anymore. I just wanted this day to be over. As I set my boots aside, Kenny sets his leather jacket on the chair and watches me as I unbuckle my belt and peel off my ripped jeans.

"I'm going in for a quick shower," I say quietly as I step out of my jeans. Kenny still says nothing though I can feel his eyes follow me as I make my way into the small hotel bathroom in just my black thong panties and lacy black bra. I close the door and start up the shower as I examine myself in the mirror while I wait for the water to warm up.

I hate fighting. We don't fight all the time, actually really hardly ever at all, but when we do... fuck I wish it just wouldn't happen at all. I know it's just because we're all so exhausted and cranky and sleeping on a bus with 4 boys all the fucking time is starting to drive me insane. But this is what I signed up for. This is what I do. I could handle it when I was on the road with Soundgarden so I sure as hell can handle it with Type O and Pantera.

I step into the shower stall and let the warm water run over my body. Damn this feels amazing. After a couple of minutes I hear the bathroom door open.

"Can I come in?" Kenny asks.

"Yea," I say quietly as I close my eyes to let the water run over my head. I hear him open the shower curtain and he quickly closes it as I wipe the water from my face to open my eyes to look at him. He glances over my body and then back up to my eyes and I could just tell that he was sorry for yelling at me. I offer a half smile and he gives me a cute little smirk and touches his forehead to mine, the water now washing over him, soaking his dark curls that splayed across his chest.

"Well that was... fun," He says and I smirk.

"Yea I love it when the bus breaks down and shit gets all fucked up, and we end up fighting. I don't know about you but I'm ready to do that all over again," I joke and Kenny starts laughing.

"I'm sorry baby," He says sweetly.

"Me too," I say.

"You know what the best part about fighting is?" He says low and raspy as he glances at me under his brow.

"What?" I ask with his hands moving to my hips and around to my lower back. My hands rest on his biceps, feeling him flex a little as he presses my body to his, letting the water wash over us.

"Making up," He says and presses his lips to mine and I couldn't help but melt in his arms as his tongue swipes across my bottom lip. His tongue begins to play with mine as I reach up and lace my fingers through his wet curls, pressing my chest to his as he wraps his arms around me.

Arlington Texas,  October 31 1994

"What the.... seriously Peter...?" Kenny exclaims as he picks his guitar from the guitar rack backstage. Peter decided to have some drunken fun and spray painted Kenny's Gibson SG completely black.

"What?" Peter says flatly as he walks over to him.

"We go on in like fucking 15 minutes and you spray my guitar with black spray paint?! It's all over the strings, the pickups... Peter what the fuck?!" Kenny exclaims sounding incredibly mad as I try desperately to not laugh as Peter looks at him taking a swig of his bottle of wine.

"It'll sound better that way, I promise," Peter jokes. They are constantly pulling pranks on each other and this is probably the best prank Peter has pulled on Kenny. Little does Peter know, Kenny fucked around with his bass earlier so really Kenny shouldn't be the one complaining. Peter just doesn't even know it yet.

"It's not even fucking dry yet," Kenny says as he takes his guitar and sets it down on the back bench that's behind the stage and starts to re-string his guitar.

"Baby, do you need - "

"Nope I don't need any help, just leave me... fuck," Kenny cuts me off still clearly annoyed but I couldn't help giggling because it was just so funny. Kenny shoots me a look and I just throw up my hands and try not to let him see me laugh as I walk away.

*20 Minutes later*

Once everyone was on stage and just as soon as Peter goes to pluck the first chord of Black No 1, it was the worst sound I had ever heard come out of a bass. I wish I could describe it. The only way I could think to describe it is like a huge fart or something, I don't know but it was fucking hilarious. As I stand off stage by Kenny's Mesa Boogie amp stack, Kenny, who was covered in black spray paint still, his forearms and hands still black from his guitar, shoots me a glance like he knew that would happen and starts laughing as I shake my head at him.

"Well since my bass is fucked I'm just going to stand here until someone can give me a proper working bass," Peter's voice booms into the mic and the crowd starts to go crazy, some laughing but mostly 'booing'.

"John, can you get him his bass?" I ask as I run back behind Johnny's drum kit where Peter's bass tech guy which is really Kenny's guitar tech guy as well stood behind, trying to string up another bass.

"I'm working on it," John says as he quickly threads the strings passed the pick ups and through the bridge of Peter's back up bass. Once John finishes stringing the bass and with the crowd's 'booing' becoming even louder, he runs out on stage and hands Peter a new bass and the crowd starts to cheer. I take my place back by Kenny's amps and take a long sip of my Jack and Coke.

Oh my God these boys are a handful.

Las Vegas Nevada, December 4  1994

"Kenny, no seriously... what are you doing!?" I ask half laughing as I stand back stage at the Thomas and Mack Center. It was the last show of the tour and the crowd was going insane as different members of the road crew were whizzing by me trying to understand just what was happening.

"Ooooh baby, I'm gettin' 'em I swear," Kenny laughs maniacally as he grabs a bottle of mustard from the buffet table and steps back up to the stage grabbing me by my hip and pulling me into him and pressing his lips to mine. It caught me off guard at fist and I giggle against his lips but then he begins to move his lips with mine and I reach up and lace my fingers through his messy dark curls that flowed passed his shoulders and suck his beautiful bottom lip.

He then pulls away from me just as fast as he pulled me into him, then laughs as he runs out on to the stage with the bottle of mustard while Peter and Josh throw more toilet paper rolls out into the crowd. Dime and Phil who were also on stage, Dime still trying to play a few riffs from his guitar, become covered in toilet paper while the crowed continues to go insane.

I have never see so much toilet paper being thrown and as I stand there watching the spectacle, more members of Type O's crew whir passed me to try to stop them. It was pure craziness, seeing Kenny squirt the bottle of mustard all over Dime with Dime laughing like a crazy man with his guitar, picking a bottle of ketchup that somehow got on stage and squirting it right back at Kenny.

"Andi!!!" I hear Johnny scream my name from somewhere behind me and as I turn around, he squirts me with a bottle of ketchup all over my chest and laughs.

"The Fuck?!" I exclaim completely surprised and look down to see my Black Sabbath shirt covered in the red sticky, vinegary sauce.

"Oh shit!" Johnny laughs as I immediately run at him and try to get the ketchup bottle from him. This is insane. Completely utterly fucking insane but so much fucking fun at the same time. Johnny manages to get away from me as he is pretty fucking quick and I run over to the buffet table looking for another bottle of ketchup or mustard, really anything just to get him back. Once I grab the bottle and run back to the steps of the stage, Johnny was already out on stage fucking around with everyone else.

The chaos ensued and I could see the whole stage covered in toilet paper, food, spit, various alcoholic substances as everyone just lets their aggression out. It was like nothing I had ever seen before, let alone be a part of. It was fucking amazing!

[wouldyoulikeachinese]

It’s horrible. This feeling inside. This knowing that I feel more for you than I have ever felt for anyone before. I remember the day we started talking. I had just got my 2nd and 3rd tattoos. I was sat at the train station aimlessly swiping on tinder. Then I saw your profile. I instantly looked through all your pictures and read your bio. I sat there thinking she looks wonderful and she sounds like a really lovely individual. I don’t often spend so long on a profile. But I spent a good 2/3 minutes hoping you’d swipe right like me. Then I actually did swipe right. 15/20 minutes later my phone buzzed. Tinder notification. You’ve got a new match. Then not a minute later. Another notification. “Hope has sent you a new message”. Believe me when I say. A huge grin lit up across my face. I read the message. It read something along the lines of “I love your bio” and I replied “thanks, I spent ages thinking of that” Then you asked “but do you actually have hay fever?” I told you “we won’t know till I pick one” and it wouldn’t be for another 5 days you found out the answer to that question. We spent a lot of time talking after that. I remember finding out you ran a hamster rescue and that made me think “gosh, I’m really starting to like this girl” your love of animals has always been clear to me. And I’ve always wanted someone who loves animals. I think it’s a clear sign of a good nature. We kept talking for a few days. I finally plucked up the courage to ask you out cause I knew if I didn’t do it soon I’d never do it. We agreed to meet on Saturday afternoon. As you wouldn’t be able to do a long date cause of your daughter Ava.

I remember when we spoke on FaceTime the day before we met because you said you’d feel more comfortable if we did. I thought that’s a really good idea cause I’m sooooo nervous to meet you. I remember you going off camera to blow your nose cause you felt embarrassed I guess, I thought that was extremely cute. Honestly the call only made me more nervous cause I thought you were completely wonderful from that point on. I still think about the way you told me you eat beans on toast. I still haven’t tried it your way but I’m sure I will do one day. I remember getting ready to come meet you and feeling incredibly nervous. So much so that I vomited before leaving my house in the morning. I remember stopping at Tesco telling my friend Jasmin about how I was going on a date with this really wonderful girl and that I was hoping it would go well. I remember what drink you asked me to pick up for you. Lucazade pink lemonade. I grabbed it for you. I remember biking to Kennington and thinking I’m so nervous cause she seems so great and I don’t want to be the usual nervous idiot I am around new people. I never believed in “love at first sight” and I still don’t. But I remember the first time I saw you as if it was the most important thing that ever happened to me. I had just got into Kennington and you started calling me. You asked where I was. I don’t really know where anything is in Kennington so I told you to stay where you are and I’ll share my location on WhatsApp. I figured biking to the main road would be a good idea. As I reached the main road you asked “are you the blue dot on the map” I said “yes” then as I turned to look on the main road. I saw a girl who looked similar to you facing away from me. I said “I think I see you” you turned around. And I don’t think it did but it felt like my jaw opened extremely wide because I was completely blown away by your eyes. The brightest, most piercing set of eyes I have ever had the pleasure of looking in to. You had my full attention from that point on. We hugged and walked down the the lock like we had agreed. We sat on a bench with a lovely view of the lock. There were some people throwing something into the water. You said “I think they’re measuring how deep the water is” but I thought there were just trying to see if they could pull anything out. I don’t think I’ll ever know which one of us was right and I don’t think I care. Let’s be honest it was probably you. I rolled us both a cigarette and you turned your speaker on. We sat talking and it just felt so easy. It all felt so wonderful from the first minute. I remember it started to rain so we moved to a place it had some cover, but by the time we got there it was glorious sunshine. I didn’t mind. We were still speaking and I was falling for you more as each sentence went past. By the end of the date we had already agreed to a second date at some point during the next week and you said you’d get back to me what day. I remember feeling very sad when your mum messaged you that you needed to head home. But I also felt happy cause we had had such a lovely date. I remember as we were walking back towards your mums you said “so good things, you didn’t stab me, you didn’t push me in the river and I don’t think you’re a paedo” I found that very funny, I’ve always found your humour hilarious. I walked you basically to your road which happily happened to be where I turned off to bike home also. We hugged and said we’d had a good time. Then went our separate ways.

I arrived at work following that. I let out a huge fart sat in the smoking area because I had been holding it in so soooo long! I never really needed to cause now we both fart as if nothing could embarrass us. But I felt like it was the right thing to do on a first date. Especially with how much I already wanted to impress you. I remember you had text me already and I was ecstatic to see that. It really made me feel like that date had gone well. I was talking about you to all my friends at work whilst I was there that evening. And anyone else who would listen. I was really hoping our date had gone as well as I thought it had. The next day came my confirmation that it had gone well! You asked if I wanted to come round yours that evening. I remember thinking to myself man I really want to, but that’s a very long way to bike. So I said to you “I don’t even know how I’d get there” you replied “well if you finish at 6 you could bike and be here by 7:30” I thought for a minute after receiving that message. Then I just thought fuck it. I had a lovely date yesterday and this girl has been amazing so far. So I told you I’d come. I worked the fastest I ever have to make sure I got out at 6. I finished work, changed quickly and jumped on my bike. I had to figure out how to get to you on the way. Checking my navigation app all the way there. You rang me when I got about halfway. I didn’t know where I was and you could barely hear me through my headphones. But it was nice to know you were wanting me there as soon as possible. I arrived into Stanford in the Vale after about an hour and a half of solid biking. I arrived at yours and you stepped outside and gave me a hug. I remember my mind saying “ I really hope this girl is worth all this” let me tell you darling. You are worth it all.

We went inside to yours and sat on the sofa. I don’t remember what we watched at first but I do remember watching Britain’s got talent with you. The first time I had watched it since leaving my family home to come to uni. It reminded me of a simpler time. When all was good and me and my family would sit and watch it. Be amazed by the good acts and take the piss out of the bad ones. Watching that with you made me realise how badly I just want a family of my own to make memories with and let me tell you, it’s been a very long time since I’ve wanted a family of my own. Not since I was 17. But you helped me realise that I’ve been looking for the wrong things for a long time. And for that I am forever grateful. We laughed a lot that night and I had such a great time again. I was amazed by our chemistry and how well we connected after just 2 times of seeing each other. I remember biking home from yours that evening in a really good mood. Hopeful for what the future had in store for us. A few days later you invited me round again. Of course I said yes. How could I say anything else? You’re just brilliant. I “helped” you build the guinea pig cage when I came round. I think that was the day you said whenever you’re ready to meet Ava let me know and we will arrange a day. I said I’m pretty certain I know where I want things to go with you so the sooner I meet Ava the better. We agreed on Thursday as I had that day off.

I woke up Thursday morning nervous as hell. I’m not usually very good around kids. But you assured me that she’s lovely and I’d be fine. You were right. When I got round within 5/10 minutes I was thinking how wonderful she was. I remember when I first saw her I could tell she was yours. Because she has the same beautiful eyes that you do. I was extremely broody by the time I left yours that day. I honestly felt like I was on top of the world that night. I came over a few nights after that. I remember watching a film that night with you laid across me and I was just stroking your back. I could tell we were both starting to feel turned on. It was the first time I really wanted to start making a move on you. But I didn’t happen that night. I got home that night. When I had just got into bed you messaged me. It was around 1:30/2 am. You said you couldn’t stop thinking about me. I couldn’t stop thinking about you either. We sexted and sent a few naughty pictures on snapchat. I came so hard for the last video you sent me.

You invited me to stay over the Monday and spend the day with you and Ava the next day. I was thrilled. I went into work extra early on that Monday to make sure I got to you on time that evening. My boss dropped me off and I spoke to my dad whilst I waited for you to get ready. I had lost my step mum the day before so my dad was obviously reeling from losing his wife. But he seemed to perk up when I told him about how good I felt about you and me. It was really nice. I went to the co op to fetch strawberry laces for you before I came over. I got to yours and we had a lovely evening. Again watching a movie whilst I was stroking your back. We went to bed. Our bodies cuddle together in your bed felt amazing. I started kissing your back, I heard your breathing start to get deeper. I started kissing you all over and eventually you turned onto your back and we began kissing for the first time. It felt like an explosion. I loved the way you kissed me. I will never forget the first kiss. I started to undress you. I touched your pussy. I could tell how much you wanted me. I got you naked. And I went down on you. It was then I realised you weren’t lying with all those strawberry emojis. Sweet sweet nectar. Eventually after quite a while of enjoying your sweet pussy I came back up and entered you. No word of a lie a pussy has never felt so good around my cock. It was another explosion. We fucked for a long time and I really enjoyed how much you enjoyed me being inside you. It was so hot and sweaty. I told you it was the best I had ever had. And I didn’t even cum. I wasn’t lying.

The next day was also amazing. We went to the co op with Ava and then to the park. Ava really is the sweetest child I’ve ever met and I’m so glad I have both of you in my life. I remember doing her flash cards with her and thinking how smart she is for her age. It really speaks volumes about how good of a mum you are. And that only attracts me to you more. We spent a lot of time together the next few days and on the Saturday we went official. I was so thrilled to call you my girlfriend. April 27th. A date I’ll always hold dear to me now. Over the next week we spent more time together and it was amazing all the way. Until the next Saturday. I had spent Wednesday night and all day Thursday and Friday with you. I had gone to work and was coming back that evening. Something happened in the time I was at work. I don’t know still what started it but by the time I got to you that night you seemed like something was wrong. You assured me it was just cause you were tired. We had a good evening watching bgt again. So I tried not to dwell on it too much. But the next morning you still seemed off. Like something was bothering you. You assured me again nothing was wrong, you were just tired. But when I Ieft yours that day I knew something was wrong for sure when you didn’t message me after I left.

You had always messaged me not long after I had left. So I thought I would message you first. I didn’t get a reply. So I asked you again if something was wrong. You told me this time. You were confused and didn’t know why. You said you felt flat and my heart instantly sank. I always assume the worst. It’s a bad trait I have. I thought I had lost you. I tried to be understanding and to give you the support you needed. You messaged me sparingly though out the day and it was hard. Very hard to adjust to the lack of messages when I had been so used to messaging you all day long. Eventually you told me that evening that you wanted to take things slower. And I was so relieved. Finally the feelings telling me I had lost you were starting to disappear. But I knew they would not stay gone. Monday was hard. We barely spoke in comparison to normal. One of the hardest changes was not receiving the usual snapchats of Ava through the day. I think the hardest change was not knowing how you were doing for most of the day though. You asked if I wanted to come see you both on Thursday and I started to feel better again. Tuesday was hard also. Still very few messages in comparison to normal. But I knew you needed your space to figure yourself out. You asked if I wanted to stay over Wednesday night before our day together Thursday. Of course I did. But my paranoia and insecurities really started to play with me that night. I felt like you were slipping away from me and I just wanted to cry. Wednesday I could tell you were starting to feel more like yourself again. But I started to feel worse. My insecure mind had me all messed up and there was a point I was tempted to say I couldn’t come over that night. I did it anyway cause I knew it was just my mind messing with me. We had a lovely evening.

Thursday morning came along. I was fine when I woke up. But after a little while, just before we left the house I got this overwhelming feeling of emptiness. It had gone by the time we got to wantage and we had a great time going round the charity shops. You found a lovely dragon. You looked so cute with him. You asked if it embarrassed me. Far from it. I find your confidence to carry the dragon around the town very inspiring. It only makes me feel stronger towards you. We got back from wantage and not long after that the empty feeling returned. I think the empiness is caused by my paranoia. Telling me your done with me. Even though your actions completely suggest otherwise. It’s hard at times. After the feeling had past we had a lovely evening. You showed me your old YouTube channels and some of the videos on there. You may think they’re silly I don’t know how you feel about them for sure but I think it’s cool how you can look back and see them. See how you’ve changed and how far you’ve come. You impress me more each passing day. And I asked you to stop getting more impressive many times now!! The empty feeling returned when I had to leave yours that evening. It’s been hard adjusting to slowing things down. But I think I’m getting better at it. I spent a long time talking to friends that night trying to answer my problems.

That brings us on to yesterday. I woke up and still felt empty. I spoke to you in the morning and you made me feel better. You’re so wonderful and understanding. I’m so happy you’re part of my life. I’m so happy that Ava is part of my life also. You’re both huge positive influences on me and you surprise me all the time with how amazing you both are. You invited me over. And of course I said yes. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to say no to that question. I got over at around 5:30. Bonnie left. That was sad. But it was the right decision. Even if you feel bad about it now. Then a couple came for chestnut. We had a takeaway and watch some Mr Bean. Then we went to bed. You asked me to do your back and you fell asleep quickly. I spent ages caressing you still after that. When you next woke up I had spent so long touching you I was very hot for you. I think me caressing you in your sleep had also got you hot. Eventually we started having sex. I was an idiot and got stressed out during it. I can be a real idiot at times. Then I got all pissy when you started to go for a ciggy afterwards cause I was in a bad mood. Caused by myself. It wasn’t fair and I am sorry for that. Now it’s Saturday morning. It’s 2am and I’ve sat here writing things for 2 hours. Just cause I felt like such a fool. You were in a bad mood before you fell asleep. You assured me it’s not cause of anything I did. I hope not. I guess it’s time to go to bed. Ava will be up before 7 I’m sure. She’s slept well so far. There she is crying now. I’m sure you’ll wake up soon.

[shriekbackmusic]

Virtual Sleevenotes, Credits and Lyrics for ‘Barry Andrews: Lost Pop Songs 78-80’

TRACK LIST 1 Rossmore Road 2 Win a Night Out (with a well-known paranoiac) 3 Freak 4 Me and My Mate Can Sing 5 Mousetrap 6 Bring On The Alligators 7 Sargasso Bar 8 Feeding Time 9 Muscle & Movement 10 Opposite Way in the Rush Hour 11 Taking Over ICI 12 Vampyr Skinhead 13 Big Soft Safe Family

MUSICIANS 1-3 clarinet: Frank Abrams, trombone: Ian Bateman, guitar: Rob Hendry, Robert Fripp, Bruce Mcrae, bass: Dave Marx, drums: Richard Wernham, engineer: John Strudwick, backing vocals: Bruce Mcrae, Patti Palladin, Clara Harris, Steve New, Marion Fudger. Recorded at Rockstar Studios, Fitzrovia, Mixed at Regent’s Park Studios, St Johns Wood. 4-7 guitars and bass: Dave Marx, drums: Rob Wilford, engineer: Hugh Padgham, Producer: Martin Rushent. Recorded at Townhouse Studio 2, Goldhawk Road. 8-10 guitar: Jon Ellis, bass: Dave Marx, drums: Richard Wernham, engineer: John Strudwick, recorded at Pathway Studios, Islington 11-13 bass: Marion Fudger, guitar: Rob Hendry, drums: Richard Wernham, engineer: Eric Radcliffe, recorded at Blackwing Studios, Borough.

The songs on this album have been lying about for a looong time, as you see.  The reasons for this are twofold: 1- it’s juvenelia, really - undeveloped, derivative. Trying stuff on for size.  An artist not in complete control of his medium, if you like. So I was not in a hurry to expose it, I guess, for its flaws are obvious. 2 it’s precious, unrepeatable, unvarnished. Truly an account of Process as someone’s aesthetic develops. It’s fascinating to me, of course (‘each man loves the smell of his own farts’) and, I have to assume, as an article of faith, that it may be to others. So, as a one-time-for-all-time thing, I was hesitant to release it. Anyway, here they…are, these songs which are inextricably bound both to a critical time in my life and the interstitial flavour of the historical moment: the end of the 70’s in good old (post-war, now post-60’s) UK. The dingy, dark, money-strapped days of Callaghan and Heath on the cusp of the New (fake) Gold Thatcherite Dawn.

London still grubby, edgy and un-Developed in a lot of places (squats still available - for instance) and Punk, which had roared for a couple of years - having redefined pop culture, via getting Pissed and Destroying - was about to stagger off into the wings, fresh out of ideas.

the Roxy Club, Covent Garden in 77 (it’s a shop selling Speedos now. Out with the Bin Bags in with the New Shiny Pants!)

The Clash and Pistols albums of 77 had permeated, by 79, everywhere they were likely to go (surprisingly far) but their offspring - the ninety-to-the-dozen, political, permanently furious form of *Punk was on the wane. ‘New Wave’ as a catch-all term for anything that was neither hardcore (with a little ‘h’) Punk nor Old School Rock was becoming the mot du jour. Another strange little sub-genre was Power Pop (which my old firm XTC could be described as, although to be fair, we were doing it well before the term was coined). Blondie, The Rich Kids, the Rezillos: all were attempts to make ideologically (yes!) acceptable the idea of melody and upbeat themes in a landscape where (Iove this term) *Ramalamadolequeue was rapidly wearing out its welcome.

(the Rich Kids - ft. Steve New, the baby deer. They’re not signing on are they? They’re Rich.)

Personally, these tunes cover, as historians say, ‘the long 78-80’. Roughly from the end of my time with XTC to the beginning of Restaurant for Dogs which was (sort-of) the R&D for Shriekback, although definitely with its own sovereignty and aesthetic.

Rossmore Road                                                                                               source: 1/4″ tape                                                                                              This came to light in a box of old tapes (Lordy I wish I had more tapes). It’s the first mix John Strudwick and I did for the single but I wasn’t happy and, rather sportingly, Virgin let us remix it. This version, though, not only has the ‘son trouveé - ‘asking for directions’ elements at the beginning and end (hilariously furious posh guy who - you can hear - I have managed to wind up even in the few seconds it takes to ask where Rossmore Road was. How? I really was an annoying, chippy bastard in those days - you can see why I felt paranoid (see below).

I was playing with Robert Fripp’s League of Gentlemen at the time and Robert kindly offered to come down and bestow his guitar benediction upon my humble pop tune (skills which were to be deployed, rather more usefully, on Bowie’s ‘Scary Monsters’ later that year - which Robert had taken a break from rehearsals with us to do (‘I have redefined the parameters of modern guitar playing’, he self-deprecatingly declared, on his return).

We got off to a bad start and never got beyond it: we plugged Fripp in and played the tune - John the engineer had assumed, totally reasonably, that this was a ‘get familiar’ go-through before we started recording.

As producer I should have been clearer - very much so, as it turned out because Fripp threw a total hissy fit when told we hadn’t recorded his 1st take. He gave us a rant about Heroes etc - how all his most genius work had been 1st or second takes. I apologised. He made a somewhat passive/aggressive show of graciousness in spite of this clear affront and the atmosphere was kinda tense after that. Someone else who hated me. Just great.

And anyway, what we would have got (and, on the 2nd take, did get) was - Fripp fans forgive me - 70’s prog-hero solo guitar noodling (very good guitar noodling, but still) - which loftily ignored the song’s structure so entirely that you had to choose between either just showcasing Robert or actually crafting the song. On the remix we ended up using one note (at the top). I honestly couldn’t find anything else that properly fitted. On the present mix, however, if you listen carefully, you can hear Fripp doing his flash, busy thing - it’s mixed as loud as I dared but you can hear it doesn’t really work and, if it hadn’t been him playing it, it wouldn’t have been there.

An inappropriate and inelegant use of resources, as he might have said. Interesting to hear though, perhaps, in a vestigial tail/snake legs sort of a way.

conceptual stuff about RRd. 

ROSSMORE ROAD (NW1) The 159 runs along it Round the corner from Baker Street There's a dolls house shop on the corner Of Lisson Grove and

Rossmore Road Rossmore Road

Turn left at the DHSS in Lisson Grove You find yourself in Rossmore Road And there's a number of public buildings And a safety barrier down the middle of the road

In Rossmore Road In Rossmore Road In Rossmore Road

White and yellow lines and street signs And public phones and traffic cones And belisia beacons on the central reservation All humming now, all humming now, all humming now

To the north The Grand Canal Round the corner Regent's Park Next stop on the tube Marylebone Road And you can see Balcombe Street from Rossmore Road

The 159 runs along it Round the corner from Baker Street There's a dolls house shop on the corner Of Lisson Grove and

Rossmore Road Rossmore Road Rossmore Road Rossmore Road

In Rossmore Road White and yellow lines and street signs North of the river South of the circular Under the road Above the railway

All humming now, all humming now, all humming now All humming now, all humming now, all humming now All humming now, all humming now, all humming now All humming now, all humming now, all humming now All humming now, all humming now, all humming now All humming now...

Win a Night Out (with a well-known paranoiac)                                           sound source: 1/4″ tape

Very pleased with this, I am still. Sui generis as they come. Blur before Blur said somebody. OK I’ll take it. I was (I think) actually thinking about Patti Smith’s Piss Factory - and Land and Wave, those half-poem, half-song tunes of hers. This, though, suffused with the provincial UK, late 70’s consciousness you get when you perhaps smoke too much grim hash and take too much speed. Interesting sexual punishment element to it also. Because it’s two dates: one rustic and one urban, then an extreme post coital reverse followed by a horrific denouement (Nazi Vivisection! The worst kind) which shows that, as they say: ’just cos you’re paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you’.

This is, obviously, autobiographical (apart from the vivisection). This arsy, scruffy little bloke, oppressed by the forces of reaction and class, who seems to attract humiliation and brutality wherever he goes, even though his intentions are just to have fun and get laid.  It’s a little poem about fear and self doubt which, around ’79 there seemed to be lots of. So I made a record. More expensive than a therapist but it has a trombone player..

WIN A NIGHT OUT (WITH A WELL-KNOWN PARANOIAC)

We could rendezvous in a country pub I know in the heart of rural England where the landlord sports moustaches just like Jimmy Edwards and the crisps and pickled onions on the bar are numberless as the stars at night We're just about to order scampi in an Elizabethan basket when two neckless men in blazers and cravats approach our table and say - "sorry - this bar is exclusively for the use of Nobel prize winners, latter day saints, people who have seen God and selected relatives of our dear Queen, and furthermore, you worm, there is mud upon your plimsolls". I reply that I am a member of most elitist cliques you care to name and the blood which courses (at an ever increasing speed as it happens) through my veins belonged once to the Cuban royal family, but, they don't listen and they just pour my drink down the sink and say "this is not what we mean. In this life, one is either U or non-U and if I were you I'd make myself bloody scarce.” I even try to show them my credit cards but unmoved they say "OK sonny, it's time you were taught a lesson and there's only one thing that your sort understand"

Win a night out with a well known paranoiac Win a night out with a famous paranoid Win a night out with a well known paranoiac Win a night out with a famous paranoid

At an Iberian eatery in the west end, we could gaze at each other across saucers of yoghurt and bits of crusty foreign bread - and then - I could order a carraffe of Asti - we could have so much fun. We could discuss things like communism and chart positions with the lack of inhibitions that separate the truly liberated from the herd - but - I should mention that I talk quite loud as a casualty of inexpensive foreign wine and neither am I unaware of the restive noises from the party sitting close by. But as I'm in the middle of my funny story about the Arab and the underwater toilet, I can't stop now 'cause I'm in too deep, as I'm coming to the part where I say (in my best joke telling voice), "so the Arab says to the attendant, right...

‘Of course as we know five thousand pounds of pressure can suck out almost anything,’ and it all goes quiet and a little girl is saying: "Daddy, what a horrible man" and Daddy replies, "don't worry darling 'cause I've just made a phone call to your crypto-fascist Uncle Roger and he'll be here quite soon, and make quite sure he doesn't upset any little girls... little girls any more"

Win a night out with a famous paranoiac Win a night out with a well known paranoid Win a night out with a well known paranoiac Win a night out with a famous paranoid

Lying in your crumpled bed on Sunday morning, you said your Mum and Dad had gone away to a conference in Bath and I believed you like a fool. Now you get up, go to the window and you turn a pot plant round. I study your naked bottom with a twinge of lust but I'm not twigging that something's going down. There is a sound of the heavy boots upon the stairs and the door crashes open and in comes your Dad with some faithful retainers and some ex-Army mates from the Conservative Club. And I figure they must have been waiting all night because your Dad is clutching two reels of infra-red film and he's looking dangerously pale as he shows me the microphone under the bed, and I'm just about getting the message: all is not too groovy

As you stand there in your dressing gown laughing at me, then in comes your Mum in her nylon house coat with her hair hanging loose like a suburban Harpy and she advances towards me with an army surplus bush knife, clearly bent on wreaking havoc down below the navel and she's just about to get stuck in when I wake up... and yeah, it was all a dream

I'm really in a hospital bed. There is a smell of formaldehyde in the air, and a couple of doctors with swastikas on their arm are doing something to the brain of a sheep and in the corner is a huge zinc bath containing some sort of reptile and the nurse is saying "be a brave boy and drink it all up". And I realise I can't feel me legs and the shape in the bed isn't my shape at all and I wanna cry out but I can only bleat

Win a night out with a well known paranoiac Win a night out with a famous paranoid Win a night out with a well known paranoiac Win a night out with a famous paranoid

FREAK source: cassette So Funk was the thing - but let’s take it and fuck it up with our English voices and anti-slick playing. Let’s actually take the funk/fun out of it. Disco hatred was the tip, kinda. I recall saying in an interview that it was like scratching up a big lairy american limousine with the nasty, rusty keys of your squat (there’s also an unreleased Restaurant for Dogs version we recorded for Warners with Nick Launay which takes this approach to its theoretical limit: it’s pretty hard to listen to). We are, in fact, so alienated from the subject matter that I sing ‘just come on down to the fifth floor’ instead of ’54’ - the iconic New York club, me not having heard of it (though - quirky historical note - Shriekback did actually play there in the place’s last week - on the Sacred City tour).

Dave’s ‘confused Dutch person’ on the end is a nice random element. Like he’s wandered in off another session. 

4 Songs from Town & Country EP (Virgin 79) Me and My Mate, Mousetrap, Bring on the Alligators, Sargasso Bar sound source: vinyl Ah T&C - I sort-of despise thee. No-one was taking care of my career development - especially not me - after XTC so I got stuck in a posh recording studio with the Strangler’s producer way before I should have been. This you can hear from the ‘apprentice piece’ nature of this EP.  All influences fully on show and sellotaped together. A ‘band’ which, you can tell, has only so much in common and which was kinda thrown together.  An adolescent ferocity in the delivery not masking very well a slew of insecurities. ‘Calm Down’ I want to tell this snarling young herbert, ‘nobody thinks you’re cool anyway. It’s fine: do an album about a fish, why dontcha?’ As it is, we get a variety pack of New Wave/Post Punk styles and lyrical tropes: Me & My Mate (the Clash obvs: stage democracy, anti-rockist groupy exploitation, DIY fanzine-esque self-expression for the working classes, Patti Smith reference). Mousetrap A classically-trained-but-recently-listened-to-Elvis Costello/Joe Jackson Bitter Relationship song. I like the spoken word bit that deconstructs a Well Made Play in 4 lines though (for those who don’t know, The Mousetrap is the longest running show in the West End - since ‘52!). The ‘Darlings’ repeated hookline was a reference to my lovely Aunty Rene who worked many years in the box office of various West End theatres (the Adelphi and the Prince of Wales I think - and since you ask) and had adopted a fabulously camp way of speaking through long exposure to gay theatrical men. Her poodle Chico was ‘my little Treasure Island’ and everyone else was ‘Darling’.

Aunty Rene (2nd left) with her theatrical crew and actress Anna Neagle at the Coalhole on the Strand 1968)

MOUSETRAP Been playing Shaftesbury Avenue For a thousand years or maybe two - darlings Done plenty bum gigs in my time But everything's alright now

In the mousetrap In the mousetrap

We fall in love most every night We're quite ridiculously tight - darlings And yeah I feel some kind of freak Getting killed six times a week

In the mousetrap In the mousetrap

It's nearly half past three Gotta do a matinee I don't understand this game Why everything's the same

But as the show go on and on And on and on And on and on and on and on and on And on

I know the punters mustn't see How mundane it seems to me - darlings But sometimes I wish I could screw Someone else in Shaftsbury Avenue

In the mousetrap In the mousetrap

Curtain up - exposition Development of character Plot - unravelling slow Sustaining interest, gathering momentum

Till they unmask the killer Then a twist right at the end And it's all over till tomorrow night

In the mousetrap In the mousetrap

Sargasso Bar definitely the best of this bunch. Although the Small Town Observational style is a little irritating  (alright, Bazzer, you’re a Poet of the Everyday and you are so very alienated) it is here for the first time that a certain mock heroic, magical-realist aspect started to appear in my writing.  ‘they raise their glasses in 2/4 time and they study the latecomers as they slither in beneath the door’. XTC did a version of this which failed to get onto GO2.  Not too much different I think but I recall Andy Partridge’s objection to the line: ‘we’re surrounded by the Eels of Death’. He felt it was the sort of hippy, trippy kinda image which XTC Stood Against. I felt it was - well - mock heroic and magical realist. This conversation went nowhere, obviously, but it was instrumental in making my decision to leave the band. These people just didn’t get my shit…

SARGASSO BAR Couple in the corner Now she's crying on his shoulder Well they're a couple of Modern Lovers Sort of Kevin and Isolde She's embarrassed by his footwear He's embarrassed by her hair But he doesn't really care He says it's murder staying emotionally aware He's another Lost Soul But he's only come here to die And get high

In the sargasso bar, the sargasso bar, the sargasso bar In the sargasso bar, the sargasso bar, the sargasso bar

Big John in the wooly Football training in the evening Well he got married married married Now he only thinks of leaving And he's surrounded by the blubber Watch the terylene stretching As he makes a point about his car When you're on miles to the gallon You know where you are And he's here every night, he's such a regular guy He gets high

In the sargasso bar, the sargasso bar, the sargasso bar In the sargasso bar, the sargasso bar, the sargasso bar

We came in from the rain Now we're surrounded by the Eels of Death Everyone nervous and everybody couldn't care less We raise our glasses in 2/4 time We study the latecomers as they slither in beneath the door About this time of the night There's more and more and more and more Well, give them ten minutes then they all go home to die Cos they're so high

In the sargasso bar, the sargasso bar, the sargasso bar

Bring on the Alligators yeah, dunno about this one really. Clearly I’m really working the magic realist tip again but to what end? It’s clearly meant to be funny, what with the Polish ‘1234’ in the middle and the ‘cocktail bar’ quiet section at the end and all but it’s all trying a bit hard for my liking. The awfully Lahndun working class accent I have on all these tunes is also a bit abrasive. My estuarine whine is of course part of me but it is underlining, unecessarily and stridently I feel, the ‘prolier than thou’ ethic which I had bought into wholesale during Punk. Let it go, dude…

2 LOTS OF DEMOS source: cassette Well, now we were getting somewhere.. Listening back now, 40-odd years on it really does seem to me that the year (ish) between the EP and this first set of demos represented a huge leap in my - er - self development. The life in XTC - still living with Ma & Pa or on the road within the Mothership of the band - record company, management, everything being done for you (at the expense, as it turned out, of knowing what was actually going on..hem hem). It’s cosiness and material sufficiency came at a price I could no longer put up with. Time to go, clearly.

I remember leaving the last outpost of that world - the nice flat above the Townhouse, paid for by Virgin while we were recording the EP but now, since recording had just finished, off limits. So…I could go back to Swindon - or step out into the scary metropolis, where all the safety nets have been packed away, and see what can be made to happen. Me and a girlfriend (who had signed up when I was a (sort-of) pop star - she was in for a taste of the real musician’s girlfriend’s lot now alright) went over to my old schoolmate’s flat in the East End (he was at college in London) - it was pouring down of rain as we walked across Tower Bridge. No money for a cab - the XTC wages had long been cut off. 

Youth seeks a Rite of Passage, does it not? This seemed to be mine. I felt noble and scared and reckless and Hungry for Experience. So, these tunes were written after a year of London, of squatting, signing on, meeting loads of new people, getting sick, getting well, hanging round the ink well - no, actually, after a particularly avid speed binge and a dreadful mini-tour with the T&C band I developed serious chickenpox (more virulent in adulthood, it turns out). I was the Elephant Man for a while. The body was having its unignorable say about all this new input.  But the tunes were definitely better. More individual. Not trying so hard and, sometimes, there was a Showing Forth of something really quite juicy and new (and I don’t just mean the pustules, har har).

Feeding Time                                                                                                         I submitted this to Shriekback’s publisher when he asked if we had anything that might do for the Eurovision Contest. He never quite looked at me the same way again, I thought (nil points pour moi).

I had been working at London Zoo (west gate and Reptile House: taking money on the door) that year and eating in various Camden/Kilburn greasy spoons. These two experiences were to produce this little gem. A Meditation on Eating. I think it needed doing. 

Points of interest: Dave Marx’s great bassline which is really the hook and the armature. Jon Ellis’s glistening ‘egg’ chord. The ‘Taking Your Order’ on the fade (Prawn Cocktail! The 70′s are strong in this one...) I had earlier recorded this with some ‘opera’ singers (from the BBC West of England Chorus - including Mrs Evenett (contralto) my old French teacher) singing the ‘Feeding Time’s’ in fine bel canto stylee. Which I may release at some point.

FEEDING TIME Putting things into my body at Feeding Time White wine and little damaged bodies from the bottom of the sea inside me still feel hungry when I reach the end and I won’t  feel good when it’s Feeding Time again. I watch him from the corner at Feeding Time sometimes he is hideous to watch as he shovels his chops inside him and his belly is beginning to distend and I know he’ll feel great when it’s Feeding Time again

but in the meantime Eat - don’t stop Eat - don’t stop Eat - don’t stop

Biting Viscera and gristle at Feeding Time listen to the lobsters whistle crack their legs open suck out what you find inside The spaghetti as it glistens at Feeding Time like spirogyra on your wet lips munching masticated chips in your mouth with lots of wine Eggs! Eggs! Soft and warm romantically slipping down inside and I wish it could always be Feeding Time and I wish it could always be Feeding Time (let’s see what’s on menu.. I’ll get an onion bhaji.. …prawn cocktail …three more pappadums…)

Opposite Way In The Rush Hour You know, it’s a bit cheesy and self serving but I still dig this. Our hero is heading off to some gig (some horrible, low paid, nightclub-type gig - let’s say in Edgbaston. Or Stoke). He’s hitching his way up there to meet the band at the soundcheck and it’s just getting dark. He looks at all the Regular Folk coming home from work: old geezers on pushbikes, factory workers - UK manufacturing has still a few years in it at this point - young girls (that might have been mating/marriage material in his former life) wait at bus stops and the cosy tea (the evening meal not the drink - important class-related point) on the tables, visible through the shortly to be curtained windows and our man gets all Springsteeny-sentimental about his self-ordained High and Lonely Destiny. Noble chords, I think, and very clever drumming by Rich Wernham (he was bloody good, I must say - as Nick Lowe said - ‘you can get away with murder if you’ve got a good drummer’). The absence of traditional last chorus repeats, instead dissolving into a babble of voices was indicative of some creative, envelope-pushing Thort, I would say. The boy’s finding his feet..

OPPOSITE WAY IN THE RUSH HOUR Going the opposite way in the rush hour watching the cars going past in the night. Factory gates let out the day shift - they escape on their bikes. Daughters go home on the bus, see you’re not one of us. The sensation is sweet and it’s sour. Going the opposite way, opposite way, in the rush hour.

Closer to being a part of the big system: so near and far from all that you seek. Closer to where the big heart beats you into submission then rocks you to sleep. Curtains still open The news on the telly they’re making their tea and I want all they’ve got but somehow.. keep on going this way: opposite way in the rush hour.

Street lamps come on now, those front rooms look so warm now. Old men with empty lunch bags pedal homewards and the girls wait at bus stops as the weekend unfolds. Once it would have felt so right heading into the hot sticky heat of the night

…it’s not a question of honour or a question at all Just the way that we choose to live now Going our opposite way… opposite way… opposite way…

Muscle and Movement Painfully sincere (and unintentionally camp) credo from the Squat years. Fucking grim, mate. It was cold, self-flagellating and unecessarily unpleasant. Here is the mantra behind that lifestyle experiment ‘pain is knowledge and knowledge is wealth.’ Jeez, give this guy a cuddle...

MUSCLE & MOVEMENT Fed up of sitting around with my legs crossed Pretending and smiling and saying ‘yeah, cheers then’ avoiding the whites of their eyes. (and another thing) And another thing- don’t try and tell me you’re gonna get something together when everything’s going your way then the limit’s the sky. You can’t always hide on the side watching people who do things bigger than you. You can’t have a permanent stop to the things that displease you or give you unease. ‘Cos all that matters is Muscle and Movement flesh out all your fantasies with Muscle and Movement (ain’t no such thing as security, just Muscle and Movement Muscle and Movement

as you relax at the end of the day there’s another tomorrow staring at you as it stands at the top of the stairs time is a swine it just keeps coming at you battering you to the floor as you try and stand up yelling you’ve had enough save it for somebody free - don’t talk to me I got no symapthy pour out some more of that wine everything’ll be fine just stay drunk all the time but remember that Muscle and Movement is all that makes you what you are Muscle and Movement standing still don’t get you too far it’s Muscle and Movement Muscle and Movement

it’s hard but it’s true that there’s nothing to cling to nothing to belong to and nowhere is more important than where you are now and there is no rest for the wicked, no rest for the wicked or peace for the innocent or the don’t knows (this lines indecipherable) cos there ain’t nobody got the things they need (same) cos the things that you lack are what you never get back cs the only secret weapon is Muscle and Movement

Muscle and Movement nothing happens by itself Muscle and Movement pain is knowledge and knowledge is wealth

Vampyr Skinhead & Taking Over ICI Well, it’s here that I claim total responsibility for the Two-Tone/Ska Revival that was to occur later that year. No, honest - no-one else was doing this stuff at the time (or they were but no-one had heard of them yet). These two tunes were, moreover, direct descendants of my song ‘Super Tuff’ from the XTC album (btw, that title came from the strapline of a Bruce Lee movie ‘Bruce Lee - Super Tough - but also Tender,’ so I was also anticipating Tarantino and all that kitsch martial arts movie stuff from the 90’s - could I be any more prescient?) Actually, exciting self delusion aside, I claim only to have had my finger on an historical pulse which had been throbbing away since the 70’s and which obviously many others had also been party to. As I say somewhere else ‘it’s ok to have a great idea but you have to get off your chuff if you’re going to start a cultural movement’. I wasn’t dedicated enough, clearly, but I was quietly and briefly, a canary in that particular coalmine.

The idea of reggae as this parallel exotic, possibly dangerous sub-track to Pop/Rock had been around for quite a while and kept bubbling up out of the Zeitgeisty swamp to varying amounts of mainstream attention. Bob Marley (pretty much just him) had Broken Through to become the reggae artist that unitiated white people liked and played at parties to show Cool. U Roy, Big Youth, Scratch et al remained the province of hip white people (as we liked to think of ourselves). But, under the audacious banner of ‘Fuck Art, Let’s Dance’ the Ska revival, the Two Tone label, Madness etc were to mine the accelerated beats, fruity grooves and edgy vibes of Jamaica (along the lines of Desmond Dekker and Toots and the Maytals) to international chart success. Of which more in a minute..

Since Punk there had been this strange symbiosis (which is easy to forget, it’s so non-intuitive) of reggae with Punk which had continued, unabated since the days of the Roxy Club.  This, eventually, had permeated the wider scene.  So, when XTC would play, in 78, gigs in Birmingham or Leeds, the disco would always be alternating, say, the Drones, Chelsea or the Pistols with Althia and Donna, Steel Pulse or Culture. It was a tacit admission, I would say, that the Punk formula was a limited one and, while its brutal austerity had been bracing (and a welcome antididote to Old Fart music), people still needed melody and sensuality and Actual Dancing.

But, there had been, in my late schooldays (early to late 70’s) an earlier, more schismatic appearance of Reggae (in its proto form of Ska) which I had observed firsthand in my Comprehensive provincial schooldays with all its codes and brutalities (kinda charming and nostalgic now; fairly scary and intense at the time). There was a  2 tribes battle going on at my school and in the UK generally: the Skinheads and the Greboes/Hairies (vestigial, usually non-ideological Hippies, really, sometimes with a component of Biker). It was a pretty one-sided battle: the Skins were an embodiment of working class, unsmiling rage and violence (’Aggro’ and ‘Bovver’ were their coinages (graffitti in my town read: ‘S.T.A.B (= Swindon Town Aggro Boys) Kick to Kill’). It was a culture of fighting and machismo which picked on pretty much anyone (it became a white racist movement eventually of course: ‘Paki Bashing’ being one defining activity but, as is documented in ‘This Is England’ TV series, the Skins didn’t start out that way: look at all that ska and blubeat. Also, in Swindon in the 70’s there wasn’t much opportunity to get the ol’ racism going - there wasn’t a single black or Asian kid in my year at school; only one or two in the entire school - so the Hairies/Greebs would have to do as a Victim Class, I guess. 

The mostly docile, pacifist, great-coat/tie-die-wearing, patchouli-smelling, Topographic Oceans-carrying quasi-hippy was always good for a bit of a kicking (though I suspect, the lack of physical challenge made them a bit uninspiring - football hooliganism probably gave the Skins more of a work-out).  At any rate, the hirsute, messy look and, (NB!) the usually university-bound, middle class nature of the Hairies was a walking provocation to the neatly groomed, fashion-conscious, mostly working class (went to work instead of Sixth Form: fuck school and Uni, let’s make some short-term money - therefore doomed for life to the factory or site) Skinheads.

This schism was enacted in the music, as it often is: the long-winded, effete,  sexually inert tropes of Prog, the self-indulgent, solo-wanking, adolescent-boy mirror-gazing of hard rock versus the clipped, disciplined, concise sexy beats of Ska and pop reggae (showcased particularly in the ‘Tighten Up’ series of compilations). It really was chalk and cheese.

There was, btw, a whole genre of dirty ska songs, epitomised by Prince Buster’s Big Five single (‘funky spunky man in Big Five, screaming steaming night in Big Five…there will be water all over the bed…water all over her head..’ (!) 

One night after a Manfred Mann’s Earthband show at Swindon College (deep Hairy territory, obviously) when the crowd were reluctant to go home, the promoter stuck a Ska tune on the PA which cleared the room like tear gas. Hard to imagine now. Like I say, Tribal. So, when I started writing songs (Pop Songs! For Bands!) I felt I had struck a fruitful vein in observing the horrified yet strangely fascinated viewpoint of the oppressed Other (Hairy/Greeb/insert Ethnic Group) as he is subdued and brutalised by his natural predator, the Skinhead. 

Form following subject matter, this would, of course, be couched in a mutated form of reggae which, though, as a fledgling Hairy (with already insufficient hair, aIas!) I was forbidden to like - I must say it did exert a fascination. It was so alien. Alien is interesting. Thus, in Vampyr Skinhead we have, again, a randomly predatory hardnut - this time he’s going door to door terrorising people (‘no compunction as he hammers down your door - or elects to clamber in the window - he is swift and he is sure..’). The image really did come to me in a dream: this ferocious little fucker doing his rounds of the estate, like a Clockwork Orange version of the Man from the Pru. Definitely a Viz magazine character there, I reckon... The sound of a Ska beat still had, for me, the menace it did when the Skins at school danced their clipped, butch, slightly-ridiculous-but-I-fucking-dare-you-to-laugh, scary little dance to it.

Non Cultural Studies note: the riff is played on a WASP synth - I guess the 1st affordable synthesiser. Fairly horrible but it had one good sound so hey... No actual keyboard - a flat plate which was murder to play and ‘explains’ the really obvious cock-up on the intro which we didn’t have time to repair. It wasn’t mine btw (the WASP not the cock up).

VAMPYR SKINHEAD Vampyr Skinhead knock at your door Don’t sell brushes or Brittanica no more He no check for pushing leaflets through the door or collecting money for the football he lives outside the law. He’s just out on the street with his boots on his feet and I would give a lot to know what he’s got Vampyr Skinhead.. Vampyr Skinhead Vampyr Skinhead strikes again Vampyr Skinhead feel no pain gonna do it again and again and again

Vampyr Skinhead come down your way and he’s not from anywhere silly in the USA. Not religion that he’s peddling door to door he’s not looking for the meter (he wouldn’t know what it’s for). He’s just out on the street with his boots on his feet and your little sister’s crying but he’s not. Vampyr Skinhead Vampyr Skinhead Vampyr Skinhead

Somebody’s gonna get uptight, gonna get hot and they’re gonna make mincemeat of him someday... Somebody like Peter Cushing gonna wreck the curtains while he’s sleeping then they’ll be nothing left but a pair of Marten’s and a pile of dust…

Vampyr Skinhead come down your street he’s a monster and he’s got sharp litle teeth. No compunction as he hammers down your door Or elects to clamber in the window - he is swift and he is sure. Out and I would give a lot to know what he’s got Vampyr Skinhead…. Vampyr Skinhead…. Vampyr Skinhead……

V.S.’s Nemesis...

Taking Over ICI was an attempt at a pure pop reggae tune - with a socialist/punky spin. Lovely playing by Rob (gtr) and Marion Fudger (ex wife of Dave Fudger, charming chap who used to write for Sounds and now worked for Virgin Publishing - he got me the gig with Iggy Pop). Rich Wernham (also of the Motors). Cracking organ solo dontcha think? I had chops in those days - before Quantise fucked me up.

TAKING OVER ICI Alone I just didn’t dare make my move to trash organised laissez-faire but since you nibbled my ear Cadbury-Schweppes and Lever Brothers quiver in fear. All the multiples are whining. All the big nobs are resigning. Since I found out you loved me, I’m taking over ICI Taking over ICI Alone I couldn’t handle myself let alone the redistribution of wealth. But, since I found out you care, I could trash the System single-handed I swear. Can’t handle all their wheeler-dealing - prefer to hear rich people squealing… Since I found out you loved me, I’m taking over ICI Taking over ICI… Taking over ICI..

Big Soft Safe Family Rather as ‘Paranoiac’ was: a one-off, never to be repeated thing. Deeply and nakedly autobiographical. Musically quite original, I venture. Shmershy chords the like of which I hadn’t used before and a confidently slow groove. Vignettes of my respectable working class, late 60′s, Mike Leigh previous life suffused with the cheap cynicism of a young sprat who didn’t realise how lucky he was. They’re all gone now.. and - spoiler - I actually never had an aunt from Torquay (but she rhymed).

BIG SOFT SAFE FAMILY The relatives are all on their fifth cup of tea. Their rapid eye movements are something to see - all lying to each other and smiling alternately. Your mum and your dad and your aunt from Torquay they are none of the same as they once used to be but they’re all of them, gloriously in the Big Soft Safe Family

We all of us have a particular smell I know their’s and they know mine habitually well. They worry about me and I worry about them I’m surprised you can’t tell. We use the same toilet and eat the same food and we savage each other when we’re not feeling so good but blood is thicker than water and ultimately we’re a Big Soft Safe Family

We’re slowly aquiring the things  that we need they’re very pleased with our progress indeed. They were saying we looked very happy and of course we agreed. Respect due to father and love due to mum and the daughter is lovely and so is the son. Illusions die obstinately in the Big Soft Safe Family

[megafarter]

Sal’s Incredible Gas pt.1

I don’t know what happened to the user Prezloop. I loved his stories and I thought they were lost but I found them (or at least the story about Sal) and I will be posting them on my page.

While boys I largely found unattractive were dancing away at a nearby dance floor, I sat at the bar by myself and ordered a bud light. I didn’t see any men who caught my eye. I felt awkward drinking by myself and was tempted to leave. Until I saw a hunk of a guy walk in with his head down who sat by himself and ordered a beer a few seats down from me. Man, he looked 35 maybe, was very tan and had short thick black hair. He had to be about 6’4 and maybe 270 lbs of big beefy muscle. He wasn’t cut like me, and I could see he had a belly, which I always secretly loved, especially because he also had a wide frame, broad shoulders, a thick massive chest and big burly arms. Best of all, he was wearing dark jeans but I could see his massive legs and huge globe ass, even though he only walked by me for a few seconds.

He looked like a real guy’s guy, someone I wanted to get to know. I tried making eye contact with this man so I could say hello, but he sat by himself staring at the tv, intentionally not making eye contact with anyone in the bar. Hell, he looked more awkward than me, despite us both drinking beer by ourselves. Normally, I’m pretty shy and would never engage with him, but the fact that he was being more awkward at the gay bar than me gave me some confidence.

I decided to walk over and approach him, but as soon as I got out of my chair, he got up and walked into the bathroom. Did he reject me? Either way, half the men at the bar saw me get up to walk toward this guy, so now I had to pretend like I was going to the bathroom to look less awkward.

Two urinals in the bathroom with no separator. Mr. Hunk of Beef was staring at the wall, pissing at one. He was tense like a statute. I grabbed the urinal next to him. He of course didn’t acknowledge me, so I stared straight ahead not acknowledging him. Though I was fighting every urge I had in me to not check out the gigantic package I knew he had, mostly because of how loud and forcefully I could hear how his thick stream sounded in the urinal. Man, this guy was turning me on. I knew I had to approach him, but I knew the bathroom wouldn’t be the place to do it. I started to devise a plan in my head and got lost in thought. Suddenly this tan god did something that actually startled me to the point where I jumped.

BrrrrrrrrPt

Holy shit. Talk about a manly fart. The tan god had ripped a short but incredibly loud fart at the conclusion of his piss. He then looked over at me with a slight smile and we made eye contact for the first time. “Sorry” he said with a slight chuckle. I wanted to say something back but I was too taken aback by how manly this guy was. I never had a fetish for farting but, I did secretly get turned on when guys did manly stuff like fart in public. And his was so deep and basey and loud. I felt like he was establishing his dominance, despite it not smelling that bad.

I suddenly became nervous like I needed to say something or compliment the fart. I wanted to play cool, because this guy seemed like a genuine’s man’s man. While he was washing his hands I walked over to the sink and said the first thing that came to my mind.

“Lucky no one was standing behind you” I said. Shit. Was that funny?

“Excuse me?” He replied. Granted it had been over a minute since the fart.

“Uhhh your fart at the urinal.” Shit, now I felt awkward. I shouldn’t have said anything.

“Oh” He Smiled “Haha, believe it or not that one just slipped out of me. Sorry, I don’t know if its rude to uhh, fart, in uhhh, places like this.” He looked nervous. I took comfort in that I wasn’t the only one. Places like this? What did he mean? Gay bars? Maybe he was just as uncomfortable as me. That gave me more confidence to continue the conversation.

“I’m sure grosser things have happened in this bathroom besides your fart” Was I harping to long on his fart?

“Well that’s good, cause by my standards, that was barely even gross.” He chuckled and walked out of the bathroom. It was weird to me, that he didn’t own how awesome that fart was. Straight and manly guys love to brag about farting, and here this guy rips a gigantic one, but tries to play it off like it slipped out and was barely anything by his standards. Anything bigger than that would be inhuman. Ok so he was cocky and liked to exaggerate, which actually turned me on even more.

I walked out of the bathroom and immediately grabbed my beer and sat next to him. He looked surprised and uncomfortable but I chose to sit through it. “Names Kevin” I said extending my arm. He grabbed it back and shook it obnoxiously hard. Or maybe he was just that strong. “Sal.” Before I could respond, he cut me off to say “Can I buy you a beer Kevin” - Sal you could buy me anything you want.

“Sure, I’ll take a bud light”

Sal grabbed the bar tender. “1 bud light and 1 bud heavy”

“Bud heavy, manly drink” I teased him.

“Yeah, only problem is, it makes me gassy.” Then incredibly not two minutes after his gigantic bathroom blast, he lifted one leg on the chair and ripped and audible thumping fart on the stool. I couldn’t believe how loud the fart was because the music was playing loudly and I could still hear the fart. Jesus, could this guy just rip on command like that? Was this possible? Either way, his powerful farts were turning me on, just by their strength.

Unlike the bathroom blast this one smelled too, like pure garlic. It was pungent, and smelled awful but I secretly loved how strong the odor was. Sal fanned the air and chuckled. “Sorry about that.” Still chuckling. I chuckled back and tried to play cool despite being turned on. “All good man.”

We then switched to small talk about the patriots game on TV. Without realizing I noticed he was almost done his beer while mine was still ¾ full. Since he was ripping those manly farts, I wanted to impress him. I was pretty good at chugging beer and belching and decided to tilt my head back and chug the rest of my beer while he was speaking, which I finished in 10 seconds. I waited a few seconds before unleashing a monster belch, pretty loud even for me. I burped away from his direction. I was pretty proud of myself and glanced over at him to see how much I’d impressed him but looked un-phased. That annoyed me.

“How about another round,” – to which I agreed. I was annoyed he didn’t respond to my loud manly belch so when the bartender handed me my beer, I immedaiately chugged the entire thing without even cheersing Sal. After finishing the entire bottle in under 20 seconds, I waited a few seconds and let loose and even bigger burp than the first one, this time right in his direction. At this point, Sal stared back at me and looked very confused. Shit. Did I do too much? I wiped my mouth and apologized laughing to myself.

Sal did a slow blink. Then without respond he lightly pounded his chest with his right hand in a fist twice, before he unleashed a monster of a belch that nearly blew my hair back. It felt like it was erupting from the depths of hell, so deep and guttural. It lasted over 10 seconds too. It was so loud, He definitely the attention of the entire club. I was almost speechless. I probably should have felt embarrassed, but I was just too fucking turned on. I’ve always found burping and farting sexy in a casual manly way, but this guy just produced gas so monstrously. It was overtly sexy.

Strangest of all, Sal, barely acknowledged his burp, as he smirked lightly and went back to staring at the screen. That had to be a world record for him and I had to acknowledge it. “Shit man, that was unreal”

“Oh yeah haha.” Playing it off like it was nothing. How was this guy not acknowledging his incredible gas? It confused me. No way it was second nature for him or anyone.

A few minutes passed before Sal turned to me and said “Does this place have good food? I’m starving”

“No, but there’s a Wendy’s around the corner, I was planning on stopping there on my way home” It was getting close to closing and I needed to head out. I needed to make sure I got this guy’s number though,

“Cool, I’ll come with you” Oh my god, did he just invite himself to Wendy’s with me? I was in heaven. How did I score someone so sexy. Ok Kevin, play it cool, play it cool

We finished our beers, grabbed out coats and walked outside. As soon as he shut the door I heard him groan and then strain to push out a long squealer fart that lasted over 6 seconds. He moaned the whole time he pushed it out, and sounded incredibly relieved after he pushed it all out. Damn it sounded like he released an incredible amount of gas in just that one fart alone. Despite being outside it smelled just as bad as his indoor garlic fart. Ok suddenly this guy seemed inhuman.

“Ahhh sorry about that. Was holding it in the whole time” The whole time? He wasn’t even in inside the gay bar for more than 20 minutes total, and he had already ripped two gigantic farts, one not even 5 minutes ago. How much gas did this massive man have….?

“I’m fucking starving right now, I seriously might put this Wendy’s out of business haha” Normally I’d say he was exaggerating but this monster of a man with apparently unlimited gas supplies, was about to prove to me he had several extraordinary abilities. To be continued

[classic-rock-roller]

1. Your band is performing at an indoor auditorium, and you’ve got the pit open to set everything up. Bonham looks over the edge to see the layout, and Rhett thinks it’d be funny to push her over the edge. He does, and she falls into the pit. How do you respond?

“RHETT! Why do you have to be such a dick! I really don’t want to be babysitting you today!” I then help Bonham out of the pit. 

2. You come home one day and Kevin and Randy are in the kitchen with a weird purple box. They’re half laughing and half groaning with disgust. You go upstairs to set your bag down and find Bonham. “They’re doing the bean boozled challenge, and I am not cleaning it when they throw up. That shit’s nasty.” How do you respond?

“It can’t be as bad as when I give my sister a vomit flavored Bertie Bott’s bean and she immediately spit it out onto the sidewalk and proceeded to chase me down the street.” (true story) 

3. You’re in Kevin’s hometown doing a show. After the show, he envelops you in a very tight and unexpected hug. “Glad you didn’t die back there.” he says. “What?” “Didn’t you see it?” What didn’t you see, and how do you respond?

I didn’t see the death threat that someone had pasted to my door because he had taken it down thinking that I had. “Why the fuck did you not tell me? I would’ve worn a bulletproof vest or something.”

4. After Randy’s left for Ozzy Osbourne, Kevin’s been in a funk, and he’s been drinking heavily. You come home one night and Bonham’s there trying to help. You hear her say, “You’ll kill yourself, you know. You shouldn’t be doing this. And if you won’t quit for yourself do it for your girlfriend…or for me.” How do you respond, and how do the others react when they see you?

Me: “Yes, I wholeheartedly agree with Bonham. I don’t want you drinking to death, please?”

Bonham: “See, BabyCarrot is on board.” 

Kevin: “Fine, I’ll try...maybe.” 

5. You’re backstage with Randy before a show with a lot of other bands one night. Randy is hauling in his amp, and he accidentally bumps into event staff. “Oops, sorry.” he apologizes. The event staff shoves Randy, hard. “How do you like that, pretty boy?” he says. Just then, Bonham comes in from outside and says, “What the hell!?” and starts laying into the security. How do you respond?

“Bonham, calm down, what the guy did was totally uncalled for and it was very unprofessional of him but it's not securities fault. If anything I’d lay into the guy who just booked it out of here after he saw you.”

6. Bonham’s been complaining that she needs a haircut for a while, and the day of the next show you find her in the bathroom with scissors. “Why pay for it when you can do it yourself? Besides, I don’t know where to find a good one here.” How do you respond?

“I don’t think it’s a good idea but if you want to do it by yourself let me help you so you don’t mess up the back.”

7. Bonham went to visit Randy while he was on tour with Ozzy, and she was very excited to get to see Florida with Randy. You and Kevin see a news segment that Randy was killed, and you’re both devastated. You see an article with details of what happened, and you learn that he was killed in a plane crash, and that the pilot and ‘a young woman believed to be famed saxophonist Bonham Geissler’ were killed as well. How do you two react to the news?

We both grieve. We’ve lost two best friends and bandmates in the span of one day. I can barely keep it together and Kevin isn’t much better. I hold out hope that it wasn’t Bonham because it was only believed to be. But I’m not sure and anxiously wait for more news.  

8. You, Kevin, Randy and Bonham are staying at Kevin’s parent’s vacation house, and you get up to get a glass of water in the middle of the night. When you go to the fridge you hear Randy say, “Whoa, I…I never knew that.” Bonham says, “Yeah, but you have to promise not to tell anyone. No one can know that I killed my stepdad.” You know you weren’t supposed to hear that. What do you do?

I try my best t be quiet but am heard and fess up to hearing what I wasn’t expecting to. I expect to get yelled at but she grabs my face and says, “You much promise never to say anything. Not even to Kevin, ok?” I nod my head and say, “I’ll take it to the grave.” 

9. You’ve just put your two sons down for a nap when Kevin pops in next to you. He wraps his arms around your waist and says, “You’re a great mother. Looks like you saved one life, and made two others.” “What?” “You saved me.” How do you respond?

“While that’s super nice of you to say Kevin, and while this may be cheesy, you saved me in a way too and also brought our two wonderful boys into this world. So you have just as much credit as I do.” He smiles at me before saying, “Wanna make a third?” “Maybe...”

10. You’re looking for Bonham one night after a show backstage, and she’s nowhere to be found. Eventually, you head back to the hotel, and find her lying on the floor of her room, curled around a bottle of Jack. “What are you doing?” you ask. She giggles a little and slurs, “Gotta drink the pain away.” How do you respond?

“Ok, that’s enough Jack for you. Come on, let's get you to bed.” I’d put her in bed and then since I’m really worried about her, I’d stay until she fell asleep to make sure she was ok. 

11. Your band is reuniting in the studio after a break from touring. When you get there, you all exchange greetings, and Daryl greets Bonham by slapping her in the arm. She whimpers with pain, and Daryl asks what happened. She pulls up her sleeve to reveal a bullet wound. “Yeah, I took Randy shooting and there was a kid there who didn’t know what he was doing and…yeah.” How does everyone respond?

Daryl: Jeez man, I’m so sorry I hurt you. 

Jess: Oh my god! Was anyone else hurt?

Rhett: Heh, serves you right. 

Me: RHETT! I’m so sorry Bonham, are you ok? Was Randy ok?  

--------------------

1) Your singer has taken you to a gym she used to work at. They have a huge foam pit and the moment you get there, Kevin screams, “Catch me if you can!” Before sprinting through the classes and diving into the pit. You, Randy, and your singer soon follow him to the edge and the next thing you know Randy has pushed the both of you in. Kevin screams, “Foam battle to the death. Losers pay for dinner!” Who wins the foam battle and where do you go for dinner? And how does the staff of the gym respond to your little foam battle? 

2) You, your singer, and Kevin are driving when you get a flat. Kevin insists he can change it on his own but you and your singer have been sitting in the car for the past twenty minutes watching him try to loosen the lug nuts. You and your singer have finally had enough and get out to help him. He insists he’s fine but after another five minutes your singer goes to the back of the car and gets a pipe. “Move,” and within three minutes she has all the lug nuts loosened. How do you and Kevin respond?

3) You, your singer, and Kevin are in line at Starbucks and Kevin is complaining about the prices. You singer says, “With how many five dollar coffees I used to buy my sister from here, I should have stock in this place.” How do you and Kevin respond?

4) Your singer has talked about how much her sister has gotten on her nerves and pissed her off. One day, she brings her along to the studio and you give her a questioning look. “She refused to get out of my car when I was about to leave my parents so I had no other choice but to bring her with.” What do you say to her sister? 

5) A few days after your singers outburst to you, Kevin, and Randy about her sister, she brings her sister around. What do you, Randy, and Kevin say to her sister?

6) Your singer's car is still in the shop, so she’s driving her dads truck. She comes to pick you and Kevin up and the thing has a rust hole in the bumper and generally looks like a rust bucket. “Welcome to the tank. This thing has been going for almost twenty years.” As you pull out of the driveway the thing roars and when Kevin asks she goes, “Oh there’s a rust hole in the muffler.” You can also barely sit in the back because of all her dad's tools. What do you and Kevin say about the truck?

7) You and your singer have told Kevin about the Rhett incident with their son. Kevin sits there for a moment before getting up and saying, “I’m going to kill him.” and stalking to the door. What do you and your singer do to keep him from doing something stupid?

8) Your band is in Milwaukee about to do a concert, when Rhett gets a death threat. You and your singer want to cancel the concert but Rhett says he’ll be ok as long as he wears a bulletproof vest and has extra security. Do you let him still play or do you cancel for his safety?

9)  You have just gotten home from work and find the house to be too quiet. You look into your son's room to find him napping and when you look into your daughter’s you find her doing Randy’s hair. “What are you doing, sweetheart?” “Playing salon with daddy and doing his hair. Doesn’t he look pretty?” How do you respond and what does Randy say?

10) You, Kevin, Randy, and your singer are sitting on her parents' couch when he sister runs over laughing, backs her butt into your singer's face, and farts. She then falls to the floor laughing. “What the fuck?” your singer asks her. How do you, Randy, and Kevin respond?

11) You’re at the stove making dinner when Randy comes up behind you and starts kissing your neck. You giggle a bit and go, “Randy, what’s all this about?” He pauses and whispers in your ear, “I want to make a baby. Tonight.” How do you respond?    

@osbournebemydaddy , your move, Bonham, love        

[reginaldqueribundus]

a story of bob

I rarely vent about RL stuff here but none of you know the people I’m talking about anyway so it’s cool.

so idk if y’all remember my post about the guy who made the nasty anti-panhandler rant [x] but I have known him for over 17 years, and I’ve known his wife for 6 or 7 of those. I was best man at their wedding 2 years ago. Recently things have gotten…strained. Mainly because of him. Let’s call him “Bob”.

Bob is very immature and seems to have little interest in growing as a person. For example, Bob thinks appropriate conduct at social gatherings includes a) yelling racial slurs and jokes about child porn at the top of his lungs b) groping his wife’s breasts like a monkey reaching for coconuts, and c) farting loudly and frequently in front of people he’s just met.

Bob loves to play the victim. Bob constantly uses his mental health issues as a means to get attention, avoid doing anything he doesn’t like, and manipulate people (especially his wife) into feeling sorry for him. If any of you watch Rick and Morty, remember that scene where Rick tells Jerry “you’re like a predator, except you use pity to lure your prey”? Bob is like that. Bob once pretended to pass out to avoid having an uncomfortable conversation (Bob had needlessly gotten me in trouble at work. I confronted Bob. Bob closed his eyes and did a backflip over a trash can rather than talk to me like a reasonable person). Sometimes Bob does things that upset people, but instead of apologizing Bob clams up and won’t talk to anyone involved. Like the time Bob ruined a tabletop game session because he thought it was okay to point at a trans person he’d just met and call them a tranny. We called Bob out. Bob got upset and said he “didn’t mean it like that.” But Bob did not apologize.

Bob is atrociously bad at communication, even with his wife. Bob got fired from his job at Domo over 4 years ago and still hasn’t told his wife why. Bob’s wife once called me on the phone, sobbing and begging me to plead with Bob, because Bob had taken a large sum of money she had been saving, spent it all on junk food, and wouldn’t talk to her about it.

Bob is not a good husband. Bob talks down to his wife as if she were a particularly stupid child. Bob loudly and publicly corrects all of her mistakes, no matter how minor. Bob harshly criticizes her driving skills (which is especially ironic considering Bob can’t drive). Bob would rather sleep or be stuck to his phone or computer than pay attention to his wife. Bob won’t do any housework. Bob won’t have sex with his wife. Bob won’t support his wife when she’s upset. Bob lies facedown on the sofa when his wife is trying to have a discussion with him. Bob won’t even watch his wife’s favourite TV shows with her so she’s seasons behind. Bob drags his feet for a year and a half before finally going to counselling, and when he does go he won’t talk to the counsellor.

And what of his wife, whom we’ll call “Alice”? Alice enables Bob. Alice defends Bob. Alice makes excuses for Bob. When Bob pisses people off and refuses to deal with the problem, Alice steps in and speaks on his behalf. Alice sometimes complains about how litle progress Bob has made in two years while defending him in the same breath.

We have tried many times to discuss these issues with Bob and Alice. But talking to Bob is like screaming into the void. And talking to Alice isn’t much better. Alice gets defensive, says Bob can’t help it. “He has anxiety. He has depression.” Okay. But what about the way he belittles you all the time? “It’s more complicated than that.” How???

Thus my partner and I have a catch-22. We can’t talk to Bob about his behaviour because he ignores us. We can’t talk to Alice about Bob’s behaviour because she says we’re “going behind his back.” This was the situation I found myself in as the holidays approached, faced with the uncomfortable task of telling them that I don’t want to be around them right now, don’t particularly feel like hearing them bicker nonstop or watching Bob be a dick to his wife and throw a tantrum when he doesn’t get his own way.

Unfortunately Alice forced my hand. She began texting me about doing something for New Year’s. All I managed to say was “there’s no easy way to say this” and Alice assumed she knew what I was about to say, and lit into me about what a shitty friend I was for "throwing away my friendship” with Bob over his “mental issues.” Um, no, Alice. Not wanting to have a New Year’s party with someone is not the same as throwing away a friendship. Nor do his mental issues have anything with the shitty way he behaves.

Alice then told me to fuck off and had the audacity to suggest I “hinted about” this to her instead of “having the balls to say it to his face.” Okay Alice, except a) I didn’t hint about anything, you assumed what I was going to say b) you texted me, which is why I was talking to you! And c) that last part is damn hypocritical considering I sent a couple of messages to Bob as well and as per usual, he ignored them and instead sent passive-aggressive texts to my partner and made a big “feel sorry for me” vaguebook post. Apparently they aren’t going to speak to us until after the holidays which is a relief at this point.

[kosmicdream]

Temp. FFAK Official Timeline

This is a very rough, temp timeline for FFAK. It mostly covers events that have already happened or at least have been mentioned. I dont really cover anything that is happening in the present day timeline lol. I might make edits to this in case i fucked up in places or maybe ill just do a totally new one at some point! you dont even know how messy my actual one is like my god its an ever worse horrible clusterfuck of text. (Also remember, the ffak story has no time travel so dont be worried about that sort of mindfuckery!) enjoy

Years before 1414: Whenever was 600 million years ago i dont want to do the exact math: Evil Mother is born but shes not called that at all cuz she adopts that name later in life but just know she is here and readt to party Lots of stuff happens. like idk. evolution and life. 600 mil years is a long time ok -LALALA -HUMANS AT SOME POINT COME TO BEING.and form civilization and.. all that -modern human society exist! ppl have tvs and such. -Mandragora Worms have gone ‘extinct’!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ooooo -??????????? a ton of other stuff. isnt history cool?? kicks legs, yells -mysterious worm break outs all over dmtia. bombs fall. wars. despair!  -Grant Lumberman gets a doggy at some point and loves it but then it dies and so does his family and friends and his whole city he is relocated to the Auseklis moon colony (on Dmtia’s moon!) along w/ other Vena Cavian kiddos !!!! (in yr 1414)

YEAR 1415 [Scene From Ch. 11: Pages 3161-3196, 3400-3401] Characters: Randall Aiguille - Age 20 Mr. Rotten (Which was named “Aeschylus” at the time, created by Randall) Crosshatch Unit (sort of) Rembrandt Aiguille - Age 22 Grant Lumberman (Aka, ‘Good Leadman’) - Age 14 Octavian “Otto" Silverberg - Age 15 (I was gonna type up every referenced scene like this then i was like fuck it thats too hard! lol)

Years 1416-1425 ?????????????? (most events likely will be mostly covered in a prequel series.) YEAR 1420: Crosshatch Unit first programmed/built by Randall/Rembrandt Aiguille leadman and evil mother fall in lurv at some point

YEAR 1426 Miracle Baby Crimson is Born (From Good Leadman/Evil Mother worm fuck action yeehaw)

YEAR 1427 -Crimson’s 2 eyes are removed + Evil Mother Believes they are dead and leaves Leadman to work with Tricend -Canary is Born (From Evil Mother, and a King Worm) -Hekatons are made (From The King worm that made Canary, concept of Hekatons is from Evil Mother) -July 8th: Perkons Hatches and will not let anyone near the other 4 eggs!! stay away

YEAR 1428 - Good Leadman (Age 27) and Perkons (6 months old) Meet (Happens in Jan) (Multiple scenes in ch10, continued in Ch11) Perkons turns 1 in July. -Perkons gets a hold of 1 of Crimson’s eyes at some point, turns it into a Knife.

YEAR 1429 - Perkons turns 2 in july and is a fully matured adult. Rest of the 4 hekatons eggs hatch sometime after in that year. -Dievas assumes protective guardian role for his siblings.  -Dievas meets Aeschylus. (ch11) YEAR 1430 Perkons turns 3. The rest of the first hekatons are one. During this year they mature to an adult. YEAR 1431 Lauma meets Velns, who is imprisoned. Then shortly after, Perkons confronts Lauma, she is 2, he is 4. So It took place after July 1431. He transforms the 2nd crimson eye into a Spoon in front of her.

Years 1431-1448 (specific dates not all disclosed sry): -Velns/Lauma, Dievas/Laima begin making children. baby baby baby! YEAR 1438 - Crimson (Age 11) is eaten by a Hydragora Queen worm - loosing her human body in the process but gaining a worm one instead. -Crimson runs around in a destroyed city, holding a corpse. Meets Velns who taunts them. -Lauma and Dievas make up, and have their first nest together- a Batch of A/B hybrid eggs. -Lauma is killed by Perkons -Velns is killed by Perkons (Which was also on Dmtia’s Moon, so the moon is destroyed.) -Laima is “killed” by Perkons. (Actually survived, as part of Dievas’ plan.) -Perkons confronts Dievas with the Crosshatch Unit and mention they fight for Peace and under the “Thumb” alliance. Perkons kills Dievas. (scene in ch11) -Laima escapes with A/B Eggs, as well as other hekaton eggs. (and will later form the Ghost Kingdom, which she rules as queen.) ????? many other things happen????? these were some busy years folks

YEAR 1449 -Crimson meets a Helper, Galore the Hekaton, and a Bunny worm (who will later grow up to be agent Paper) in the forests of DMTIA (Ch9) -Galore “meets" her first parents, Lauma and Velns, in some mysterious coma dream thing from listening to crims sexy magical heartbeat (also Ch9) ??????????more events happen??????????? -Galore “Dies” by exploding. Crimson witnesses it. -Bunny wormed named Cirrus “Dies” and is buried in a grave. However, she was only injured she later climbs out only to witness Crimson and Celadon leave in Crimson’s truck and it was the saddest thing ive had to draw ok. i am crying even remembering it ??????????more secret events this was yet another busy and traumatizing year for crimson????????????? -Months later, Crimson (age 23) has a conversation with her third mandragora heart, and ends up having a period sex masterbate-y fantasy that made many readers scream in terror when they read it.(Ch11)

Years 1450-1904 god so much stuff happens during this time, lays on the ground. i mean just fucking look at how much time that is. thats over 450 years lol nbd right

YEAR 1905 -Agent Knife is sent on a remote mission (back to Planet Dmtia) to hunt down one of thumbs most wanted criminals, a man named “SIMON MCGOLD” -After months of searching/failed attempts at locating him, Knife confronts and is stung by Simon’s close personal bodyguard, a queen worm named Nail who is famous for killing over 50,000 Hekatons. (Gaining him the nickname “Hekaton Hunter.” (CH12) -?????????? more stuff happens like you dont even know????????

Years 1906-1924 ??????????? lots of stuff??????? lets laugh at some spoon stuff together tho -Spoon thinks Knife is stupid but weirdly interesting i guess -Spoon tries to pretend hes not in love w/ knife cuz thats like??? g...ay??? -Spoon realizes he’s totally hot for Knife and decides hes gonna totally seduce him -Spoon realizes flirting isnt going well with knife and is actually rly deeply hurt by rejection and so he tries to sleep around w/ other ppl  to pretend hes fine cuz w/e!! who cares -Spoon realizes hes totally in love w/ Knife and is devastated by Deeply Gay emotions -Spoon moves in w/ Knife and spoon tries to pretend he is fine w/ just being Knife’s obsessively devotedly loyal but not romantic/sexual partner. just ttly... platonic.. best dude pals..!!! who murder together -Spoon realizes he cannot handle just being friends and attempts to move out cuz he just is having a meltdown -Knifes like chill we’re already dating and Spoon is like “wtf we are?” and knife’s like “why else would i let you move in w/ me” and spoon just stares at a wall for like 12 hrs in shock -They start to officially for real date™ after spoon regains contact with reality -???????stuff??????? -Spoon dresses up as AGENT BEE!!!!!!!!!!!! THE MOST IMPORTANT EVENT IN ALL OF HISTORY HANDS DOWN MARK UR CALENDARS 

YEAR 1925 July 8th - Simon (now Agent Spoon) has been in a relationship with Knife for 20 years. He meets Celadon #1. Location is the forests on the moon THUMB HQ. who is rightfully pissed as fuck at him. kick his ass, girl (she does btw) (ch11)

YEAR 1926 -Knife Adopts a tiny perfect adorable fluffball c-type and names him Kurt. -Spoon hates it like more than anything ever -Spoon and Knife end up having to live separately, causing a huge strain in their relationship.

Years 1927-1936 -feeling neglected, Spoon starts to sleep around, including the Crosshatch unit and becomes p close friends w/ them! its actually a positive thing for once. wtf (ch11) -Kurt becomes Agent Fork and works alongside Agent Knife on missions and its adorable and great but knife’s depression is also growing bc he misses spoon

YEAR 1937 Cash Leadman is born! :D

YEAR 1938 Rome Aiguille is born! he doesnt even hate worms at this point! Years 1939-1955 more stuff. ect. 

YEAR 1956 -Locket confronts Knife. Knife is so traumatized from meeting a surprise biological child that he has a meltdown and vanishes. he is then believed to have died. -Spoon Explodes from sadness of the news, but does not die. Half of him leaves to Cash Leadman’s house, who convinces him to keep living. He becomes “Scissor”, using her former crosshatch robot body. (ch11) -The other half meets Locket and has his Spoon stolen from him. very sads. Also cant wear thongs anymore (ch11)

YEAR 1957 -At some point during this year, Spoon kills Agent Rock’s dad and also prevents Fork from being able to enter Wibbleworld (his dream). (Scene in ch8) -Fork goes back to prison (guess what, it wasnt his first time goin’ there!) 

YEAR 1958-present -the death of rock’s hot dad springs a chain reaction of all his sons trying to kill spoon and getting revenge. Spoon successfully kills them all though lmfao. dont fuck with the leg.  -fork breaks up with dollop and she starts stalking him

YEAR 1961 -Dylan and Agent Knife meet in Wibbleworld moon, on July 8th (his birthday) He reveals secrets to her. (ch11) -Dylan/Celadon and Antony believe they are successful at killing Agent Knife on this same day.

YEAR 1962 -Feb 2 - Aeschylus wakes up in LEVEL K of the Crosshatch Colony (The Aiguille Moon) and is escorted by Antony Aiguille (Age 21) and Celadon #1, #2 and #3. Dylan and Barfy show up. (Ch 11) -Dylan tries to convince Antony not to get eaten (and fails) (ch12) -March - A mysterious earthquake and worm outbreak kills 20,000 residents in the Crosshatch Colony. O_O  -July 7th - Fork meets Dylan for the first time. :3 (Another serving episode one!) -July 8th: This is where the present timeline begins! Canary wakes up on a platform. Hooray! we made it. i dont feel like typing out the events u can just read the comic i guess lol. farts! 

YEAR 1963: Hasnt actually happened yet, but the final feast is said to occur this year!!!!!!! O_O ooo  EDIT: one of the events were out of order, but this has been fixed (8/19/2017) 

[fossadeileonixv]

Milan 1 Brescia 0

Your lightning quick ratings!

Donnarumma 8.5 MOTM Saved us repeatedly throughout the match. One save on Tonali was simply otherworldly. If you’re still complaining about him or his wages, go away. Or be an Inter fan. What

Theo 8 Great work by him in a very tense. Could have had a late assist to rebic but instead tried to destroy the goal. Almost succeeded

R13 and Kjaer 7 Under siege all night due to a vacant midfield but held the fort admirably. Loving this duo. 

Conti 7 Another solid outing. He looks better and better every game. had a long outlet that eventually led to the goal. 

Hakan 4 Go away... forever. 

Bennacer 8 Started wide in a move that made no sense. Move centrally later and that really made the difference. Had another galactic brain fart on the way to getting his 10th yellow on the season. Suspended for the next game. 

Kessie 6.5 Had to share the midfield with Hakan. I repeat... HAD TO SHARE THE MIDFIELD WITH HAKAN. Survived the experience. Worked his butt off. 

Castillejo 5/7 Awful first half. Rantoo much and thought too little. Figured things out atb the half and was much better after halftime. 

Zlatan 7 Zlatan was Zlatan. Took a major beating in the box but did not bend. Imperious. Yeah, that’s the word. Imperious. 

Leao 5 Quite invisible. Has to get his nose dirty in games like this. Seems hesitant to.

SUBS

Rebic 8 Did it again banging in a rebound on a scrum. Works, runs. Not afraid of contact. Also always looks pissed off. Even when he scores. The anti Suso. Love him.

Krunic 7 Helped close up the midfield and finish things off. No complaints. 

COACH

Piol 6 I get why he started Hakan. one last chance. Well that should do it. No more chances for him. Deploying him centrally with Bennacer wide with a savage like Kyle Tonali going against you? Bad idea. Figured things out in the second half though. Hakan started and we won. i suppose he deserves some sort of quasi credit for that..... maybe?

A win is a win is a win.

Enjoy the rest of your weekend folks!

Lisi

[jessiewre]

Day 6

Fri 10th Jan

I could barely eat at breakfast which is obviously very much NOT like me. I was too nervous and excited. I honestly had no idea what this gorilla experience was going to be like.

We walked down to Ruhija gate and the tourist vehicles were pulling up with all the Muzungu’s. We had read the day before that anyone needing to go to the toilet on the trek in, lets say, a big way, would need to ask the guide to dig them a hole and then the guide would cover it up again. AWKWARD.

So basically everyone turning up was heading to the loos to attempt to avoid having to publicly request a forest shite.

There was a community group who danced and performed in traditional style for everyone to start things off, but there was one tourist couple sat right next to the stage side who had completely straight faces the WHOLE time while these (mainly) women were jumping up and down, smiling, singing, banging their feet and throwing their bodies around with massive enthusiasm. It was WEIRD. So Phil and I tried to look doubly enthusiastic, which also must have looked a bit weird. A lot of teeth.

After that there was one SUPER ANNOYING girl who kept talking when the main guide did his introduction and we made a quick pact via eye contact and eye rolls that we would avoid whatever group she was in at all costs.

Thankfully we succeeded and our group looked like the perfect level of boring. Bang on, this was ideal.

Our guide Steven’s face was slightly lopsided and he was missing some teeth, while only one half of his mouth seemed to work. Having said that, we could understand him completely and he seemed very knowledgeable and experienced. We just hoped that he hadn’t been on the losing end of a few fights with some gorillas. Though perhaps it would bode well for us to know that he’d survived a few gorilla wrestles come to think of it.

The guides explained that there was a maximum of 8 people allowed in each group (plus any porters or guides attending) and that the trackers would go out each morning to find the gorillas ahead of us trekking. There were 4 gorilla groups in the forest, the one we were looking for was called Kyagurilo.

We were driven to a starting point based on the trackers location and guidance and we began to trek into the forest. We had an armed guard with us all the time. Apparently this is to shoot into the air to scare off animals if necessary - such as wild elephants. It would be useful if that annoying girl had been in our group too.

It was a slight gradient at first, which then became steeper downhill. Not too tricky though. It seemed bizarre to imagine that we would see gorillas there, it really wasn’t that different to a walk in an English forest..

After only about 45 minutes, we met some trackers who gave us the 200 metre warning. This means that they are close by and we must now do the final checks, take drinks of water (no food and water when close to the gorillas). Steven told us we could leave our rucksacks there and we’d come back and get them later.

Then we looked up and in a tall tree, we could see a gorilla! Wow it was amazing, climbing through the trees, just being a gorilla an that.

Then we saw another, and another!

After 10 minutes we got the go ahead to move deeper into the forest so we obeyed and followed Steven and the trackers.

We stood under a tree with a gorilla in and looked up to try and work out its movements.

Suddenly something heavy landed on the ground, maybe a rock or something, then it happened again. We shifted back a bit as they had landed quite close to Phil and then I saw a spray of liquid leave the top of the tree.

‘It’s pissing!!!!!!!!!!!!’

Turns out those rocks....were gorilla turds.

Phil was like ‘A GORILLA JUST PEEED ON MEEE!’

He definitely thought he’d been blessed by a gorilla and accepted into the group. Maybe not that surprising.

We were surrounded by trees and plants and foliage and then suddenly Steven pointed and under some greenery was a gorilla sat there. We moved past it and another one appeared and walked past us. There were two gorillas nearby, then one lay down on its back and scratched while the other ate some fruit. We then saw a mother and baby pass us and climb up a tall tree to explore up in the trees.

It. Was. Mad.

All the gorillas had by now moved up the trees so Steven said that it was a waiting game and we should just sit still. We should wait to see when the silverback came down, as it might give us then chance to see the group closer up.

Well I’ll be honest, I had my doubts. I thought we’d had an amazing time and seen lots of them and pretty close too and that we were going to end up heading back soon.

But we waited.

I mean I didn’t have any other plans like.

We sat/stood in the same spot for about an hour and a half, looking around, asking questions and listening to the longest largest loudest farts you have EVER heard in your LIFE.

BOY gorillas have got GAAAAAS.

These farts would last like 20 seconds no lie.

Our group didn’t even seem to laugh very much but I swear to god when you are stood in a silent boring group doing nothing and a giant gorilla fart echoes through the forest for longer than you ever thought possible, I challenge you not to laugh. Phil was proper lolling.

After like 1.5 hrs, a large black back gorilla climbed down a tree and began to venture deeper into the forest, so we all went into action mode and our guides said ‘Right lets go! Lets follow!’

It was super exciting as we kind of chased the tracker through the jungle, trying to stay on the gorilla’s tail. Just when you thought the gorilla would stay still, it would move deeper into the undergrowth.

I looked at the gorilla disappear and I thought Well there’s no way we can follow him.

But the guides with the machetes just thrashed away at the undergrowth and we followed on. No matter where the gorilla went we would just attempt to follow. IT WAS CRAZY.

At one point the undergrowth was SO thick I thought Right this is it, NO WAY can we follow, this MUST be where we turn back. But again, the guide thrashed through the plants and trees as it continued downhill and we sort of created this kind of jungle staircase slide. It was like Jungle Book the ride I swear. Phil and I had darted to the front of the group to try and get the best views of the gorilla before it moved on each time so we were scrambling and sliding down this leaf slide with tree logs crossing its path. IT WAS ABSOLUTELY AMAZING.

We ended up stood in the middle of this undergrowth, with the gorilla sat completely submerged in it on our right just munching away on the plants.

The group took photos and tried to catch their breath from the thrill of chasing a gorilla through the jungle and the whole adventure of the scramble. 
Then the gorilla moved on again, and we continued!

Steven said he could hear other gorillas coming to join so we should try and find the group together.

Phil and I decided to hold back to let others be at the front of the group and we continued downhill.

Suddenly we heard the gorillas screeching and shouting, if you can call it that, and we looked down to see some of the group running back. They were the ones in the group that you would expect to run, even if nothing was actually happening so we weren’t overly freaked out. But even so, rule number 1 if gorillas charge you is to stay still and NOT to turn your back and run so it was a risky move to make!

We reached the group and everyone was fine, the gorillas had just charged the guides but the guides knew now to respond. They constantly made a low growl noise like they were clearing their throats - fluent in gorilla chat. We’d missed all the drama but you could see everyone else had adrenaline pumping for sure. Apart from the guides who were completely calm and relaxed, finding it a little amusing to see the Muzungu’s panicking which was kinda funny.

We got to the bottom of the hill and climbed over a small stream before climbing uphill the other side.

I could not see how we would get back to our bags but didn’t massively care at this point.

After climbing up and scrambling through more plants and undergrowth, we finally stopped on a steep hill of plants and the SILVERBACK was sat next to us having his lunch. MENTAL.

There were 4 gorillas around us and somehow Phil was at the front of the group like he had a VIP ticket to the gorilla show. Well after the toilet incident and then the fart show, I think Phil felt right at home.

Steven then pointed out to the other side with the hill, where we had just come from, and two of the trackers and porters emerged from the trees with EVERYONES bags and walking sticks. God knows how they had carried it all to us but there are constant reminders here that people are SO strong and able despite having SO much less compared to us.

The gorillas eventually left, walking right past Phil, and we all took a big breath to try and compute what had just happened.

Thankfully there was an alternate route out of the jungle that the trackers could lead us to so we didn’t have to go back the way we’d come and we trekked out of the jungle, eventually stopping off for a sit down and packed lunch. Once out of the jungle, the same driver from the morning called Cedric collected us and he could see how happy we were - so he changed the music to his favourite band. 
Westlife.

Yep, we listed to I have a Dream by Westlife followed by My Love.

I can’t say I did not enjoy it and I may have also sung along.

Phil managed to constain his cringe suitably.

Back at Ruhija gate, we all ‘graduated’ and received a certificate LOL. This was their chance to reiterate the importance of their work and to encourage us to encourage others to visit Bwindi to ensure they can continue their important work. And to ensure they all had a job at the end of the day.

Then Cedric said it was no problem to take us back to the village, so we tipped him with a Boost bar ( I know, so generous) and 1000 ugandan shillings (that’s about 20p) and jumped back in for more Irish tunage.

Back at the hotel, Phil realised his hunger levels were getting serious so I decided to quickly wash my hair. He was thrilled. Then we agreed to head back to the Little Angel’s school while we were still in mucky clothes to check in on the poster update, as we’d promised to come back to see how much the photocopying quote was.

As we walked through the village, I spotted the tailor again and remembered that my button had come off - so I quickly popped in to get it fixed. Phil’s hunger levels had not improved so he stood outside counting to 100 and practising some mindful breathing techniques. He seemed perfectly fine, so I asked the tailor to reinforce the other button. Might as well I thought.

It started to rain which was a brilliant turn of events as I was the only one that had a raincoat with me.

We got to Little Angels and Happy the Director was not around but her colleague tried to phone her to get a cost for us, as we explained we needed to go soon due to Phil’s hunger (try telling a group of hungry orphans that your boyfriend needs to go because he’s hungry, not awkward at all). Eventually the woman told us that the cost for the photocopying was 170,000 USH which is about 50 dollars!!! We told her that was crazy expensive and to tell Happy not to go ahead with this cost and that we’d make multiples of the original poster ourselves!

So they gave us some blank paper and we walked back to the hotel, slightly dreading the evening ahead of recreating another 7 copies of the poster I had made, and then feeling guilty for dreading it in equal measure.

We bought an avocado and a beer on the way back (meal deal) and Phil nearly smiled so that was good. And once we were back, we turned our packed lunch sandwich (which was a tomato sandwich with about half a small tomatoes worth of slices) into an open tomato and avocado sandwich with chilli sauce, accompanied with an all-the-way-from-Tesco’s-Twickenham golden vegetable cuppa soup. When you’re that hungry, anything tastes amazing.

Phil’s happiness spiked right up and he told me about 17 times how amazing the view from our balcony was. The sips of Golden Nile beer may have helped too.

Before dinner, we sat in the restaurant and began the task of recreating the posters, Phil doing one section, me doing another. We were doing pretty well then the food arrived so we paused.

Halfway through dinner Phil suddenly looked over my shoulder and said ‘Someone’s here to see you’.

I turned around and Happy was sat in reception, with Pius and Arenas poking their heads round the corner. I went over to speak to her and she pulled out an envelope to show me 8 card copies of my poster, but the design had been recreated on like Clip Art 97! So it had obviously been too late to cancel the copying and they’d done this instead. We showed her our progress, half-hoping she would say that she didn’t need us to continue, but she was like ‘Oh yes these will be great too!’.

We gave her another donation to pay for the posters as she said it was about 20$ in total - which is definitely a crazy price for photocopying - but actually, someone had sat down and made a digital version of my design. It was heart warming and also a little funny to see the things that I’d flippantly drawn that they’d painstakingly recreated, like the detail on the roof or the sun shape. They were super sweet about it all and we spoke to our hotel who promised to put up a poster the next day when they had located some sellotape.

We negotiated a taxi price with an annoying guy for the next morning, as couldn’t face the only option of a 6am bus. He wanted 80$, ended up on 50$, but we were not quite sure how badly we were getting ripped off. Oh well, left it at that and went to bed.

[soriseerakyra]

Nice to Meet You -4-

A/N: I’ve been in the middle of finals which is why I’ve been gone for so long :( sorry

Your accounting firm was in a large building situated nicely in downtown Gotham. Its location made for a beautiful view of the Gotham skyline as well as a dangerous journey home for anyone who didn’t watch their surroundings at night. Your bosses were pretty lenient as well. You supposed they fancied themselves the ‘modern’ sort. They opted for a set up without cubicles and instead built office floors with standing desks and the occasional bean bag chair, and kept the kitchen stocked with an abundance of free-trade artisan coffee.

 As you leaned carefully on of the thick glassed window-walls that allowed you to see the skyline, you flicked through your phone. Taking a sip of the cardboard cupped latte in your hand, you opened your Instagram app. Camille had been officially on maternity leave for two days, and while from the pictures she posted showed that she couldn’t have been happier, you were slightly miserable. It wouldn’t be right to say you were completely lonely, you’d gotten used to being alone and dealing with the reality of the alienated city life, but it was her that you missed. More accurately what you missed was quietly giggling to each other while the two of you people watched, mostly in a judgmental fashion. It was all in good fun for the most part through, most of the people that worked on your floor you liked. You may not have been the most social person, but you appreciated the fact that many here would have been willing to listen if you had told them your problem.

 You feel your lips pull down in a pout as another picture of Camille and her husband pops up on screen, this time his large hand placed lovingly on her rounded belly while she kissed his cheek and slyly peeked at the camera.

 “All right, this is sickening,” you say as you hastily put your phone to sleep and slip it into the pocket of your blue blazer.

 You turn your gaze out to the window again as you sip your coffee. Your eyes scan over the tall skyscrapers and then something out of the ordinary clicks in your mind. A familiarity works its way to the front of your brain while the word weaves itself deftly to the back.

 ‘smack’

 It was involuntary really, the contact that your free palm made with your forehead, but well deserved.

 “Oh, I’m an idiot.”

  ***

Majority of the time Bruce Wayne would say that he tried his best to run his company, well as well as he could, given his double life.  He remembered the names of his secretaries for the most part, but he supposed that was from doing thorough background checks on the people whom worked so close to his office rather than actually caring anything about them personally. The people whose names that he couldn’t quiet remember he would greet with a charming smile and enough attention throughout the year that many of his employees thought that working for Bruce Wayne “wasn’t so bad.” He even did his best to keep his eyes open during board meetings, he didn’t succeed most of the time but he always gave an effort.

However, there was one thing that he could care less about, paperwork. Hold up in lavish office, with a stack of files that needed his signature or documents that needed proper reviewing, he could not begin to give one iota of a fuck about what they said. In fact, for the past ten minutes he’d been hypnotized by the bouncing screensaver on his computer, something that he found vastly more appealing than the work he had to do.

 So, it was a relief when he felt the vibration of his cellphone on his thigh. He pulled the phone from his pocket and felt his brow furrow at the unknown number, however he answered it anyway.

 “Hello?”

 “So, you’re a pretty big deal, aren’t you?”

 His eyes widened at the voice before he let and easy smile slide its way across his lips. When he left the coffee shop the other night he hadn’t been expecting a call, and was happy that he hadn’t given his number out in vain.

 “Oh, what makes you say that?”

 “Your big stupid name plastered on the tallest skyscraper in the middle of downtown Gotham.”

 “Oh, so you noticed that, did you?” he said as he leaned back in his computer chair, paperwork forgotten. “If it makes it better, I didn’t design the building this way. My dad did.”

 “So, then your dad was the egomaniac.”

 “Precisely.”

 “Hmm, and you willingly admit this?”

 “I’m not one to hide things about my family.”

 “What about yourself?”

 “That’s a completely different story.”

 “I Imagine, maybe I can work out some of the things you’d like to hide about yourself over dinner.”

 He stood up and left his desk, slightly startled by the forwardness of the suggestion.

 “Why not?”

 “Good you can pick me up from work, I get off at 6.”

 “You aren’t going to tell me where to pick you up from?”

 “Use that brain of yours. I told you what I do and you know that I can see you or your building at least, it shouldn’t be that hard.”

 The smirk was so present in tone that the only way that it could have been more real would have been if he could see it in person.

 “Let’s see then.”

 ***

Bruce walked over to one of the large paned windows that opened to give him a more than lovely view of the city. While there were many accounting firms that dotted the city, there were few that garnered an unobstructed view of Wayne Enterprises. He caught the glimpse of a building that laid off to the right. A tall dark building decorated with gargoyles on its ledges. Ledges that he had often used to het a vantage point on the city. He also recognized it from a time when his father took him their when he was younger. Wayne Enterprises had its own accountants but Thomas Wayne had taught him the need to interact with the establishment, if only so you don’t piss them off.

 “You don’t seem like the type of person who’d work out at Wessler and Burns,” He said with a hint of playfulness in his voice. “To many suits.”

 “You’re right. I went in for an interview and I left with a restraining order. They call for new blood but when that blood has a cleavage the old farts can’t seem to keep their eyes to themselves. No offense, I know you’re not too far behind in the age range.”

 “I’m wondering if I should be offended. The youngest person with any value there is sixty.”

 “What are you? Fifty-Five?”

 “I’m definitely wondering if we should be going on this date.”

 “Don’t worry Bruce, I’m sure your old bones to can keep up with this young’un.”

 “The question is can you keep up with me?”

 “Who knows, I’ve been out of practice for a while.”

 “Don’t worry I haven’t.”

 “You old dog,” she said with chuckle in her voice, “Have you figured it out yet?”

 “I think so,” he stated as his eyes caught a glimpse at relatively new building that faced his own.

 “Good, because my break is over and flirting with an old man doesn’t pay the bills.”

 “I imagine it doesn’t”

 “Bye Bruce.”

 “Goodby-“

 The phone hung up.

 Carlisle and Preston accounting was a young firm for the city, having been there for about two years. It had sprung up on the west coast about ten years ago, and with an unusual swiftness for an accounting firm, opened multiple branches up and down the coast. This branch was the first on the east coast, and had likely brought Bruce Wayne’s date with it to the city. He’d found their unusual productivity strange, but there was nothing obvious or seemingly hidden that could be attributed to the success of the firm. Research had only turned up, that the CEOs Michael Carlisle and Jonathan Preston, regularly showed up at firms across the country and interacted as much as they could with their clients on a personal level. A relaxed working environment dedicated to the needs of the needs of workers in the 21st century made the seemingly boring profession more ‘sexy.’

 He leaned against his car, parked in front of the entrance of the building, hoping to catch a glimpse of the form that captured his interest.

 “So, you actually found it with your old man eyes.”

 The snarky familiar voice caught his attention as he saw the woman that he had been waiting for. He looked to his right and saw her approach, seemingly coming from a side exit rather than the front entrance.

 “Well, my building is the tallest in the city so even I can see something.”

 She smiled and then he noticed that her eyes flicked over his outfit.

 “I hope we aren’t going anywhere too fancy I am slightly underdressed.”

 He looked at her, blue blazer with a white blouse and jeans to match. If he took her to any of his usual establishments she would stick out like a sore thumb, they’d think he took her out as a charity case.

 “True,” he said thinking about their situation.

 “There’s not an Olive Garden in Gotham, is there?”

 “What is that?”

 She stared at him blankly, eyebrow raised lips quirked down at the ends.

 “You may be too rich for me.”

 “That has never been a problem for me.”

 “I imagine,” she said with a roll of her eyes. “Listen, for now coffee will be our thing. And over said coffee we will eat small pastries and half-cooked microwaved breakfast sandwiches while I extol you the value of cheap carb loaded cardboard tasting Italian food and the like.”

 “Sounds thrilling.”

 “Trust me, when I’m done with you you’ll be addicted to breadsticks the same way most of middle America is.”

 “That doesn’t seem factu-”

 “Shhh, don’t question it,” She said as she made her way to the passenger side of his car. “Just let it happen.”

[peevishmandible]

My husband has been working nights from his home office for about 6 months, and will continue until September when his boss gets back from overseas and will no longer need him to work so closely with the international team that my husband manages. It’s been weird. I mean, there’s stuff that isn’t great but there is lots that is, so it’s ok. You know, trade offs. We’re not upset and it isn’t hurting any one, it messed w our family dynamic at first but we found equilibrium. It’s at the very least a lot more consistent and healthier a schedule than when he would be out to commute to the city at 6am, get home at 5:30 and then maybe work from 9 to midnight so he was able to manage the people across the globe, you know?  So anyways. Here’s the thing. When I had my babies, lord I was what you’d call an attachment parent. I mean, it wasn’t a term I even knew, it wasn’t something I did deliberately... it was just what I DID. We knew I was going to be a stay at home parent and keep my kids close, and I did babywearing from day one, right up until the kids outgrew the 35lb limit in the hiking back pack that was a part of me for like 4 years. I breastfed - and I’m SO grateful I was able to do that, I do not say this as a status signal or virtue, trust me. It’s a combination of damn I was lucky I was able to and damn my kids NEVER TOOK BOTTLES. EVER. EVER. NOT ONCE. BELIEVE ME I TRIED. Anyawys I breastfed my daughter until she was three, and 7 months of that time was while I was pregnant with my son. I had to stop because my lap was disappearing and my son would kick her so hard it hurt me when he felt her. I breast fed my son until he was 2, when I got a bad ear infection and the antibiotics in my milk made him sick. So five years of my life, 5 consecutive years, nursing children.  UH, WE”RE CLOSE.  Lord, but I did NOT enjoy sleeping with them. My daughter never liked it, always did better in her own room, from 4 months on (we had both our babies in bassinettes by my bed at first. I had naps with her in bed beside me sometimes but that’s it. When my husband had to leave us for 5 months when I was newly pregnant she had adjustment problems and I was so exhausted that I brought her into my bed at night but she was THE WORST, I’m so sorry to say. She was sweet and beautiful but god, she would kick me, flip upside down in bed, play until late into the night, fuss around, wake me up by yelling in my face or forcing my eyes open... And she was like, 2.5. Listen sleeping next to a 2.5 year old who still pees in diapers while asleep is gross, ok. I haaaaaated it.  When my son was born, lord. He wouldn’t sleep unless I was holding him. I slept with him in my arms in bed for 3 weeks. Not safe! I didn’t feel great about it! My husband didn’t have enough room in our bed and had to sleep on the couch and we both hated THAT because WE are close and need each other to sleep well. I was sore and unhappy about it and so grateful when he finally slept in his bassinette. Because of our living situation we built his crib and had THAT at the bottom of our bed for about 8 months. That was fine - I didn’t mind having them IN the room, I just didn’t want them in my bed.  Like, I spent EVERY SINGLE WAKING - and sleeping, if we’re being totally honest - minute with my children. I didn’t resent that, but GOD DAMNIT, I am an introvert at heart, I really am, and I NEED SPACE. My bed was MY BED. Well, and my husband’s of course. And of COURSE we goddamn got interrupted tons when we fucked but at least we had the opportunity to DO so without kids in our bed. It was just, you know. A boundary. Like, the one boundary for me, being pregnant, nursing, and parenting small babies and children constantly for like 5 years.  I’m going somewhere with all this.   K, so, my husband had to go work away from us for another 6 months a few years later. It was my fault that we were separated and I am very deeply guilty about that but we won’t go into that in this post. The point is, the kids and I were in a single room at night, with my big queen mattress, a twin bed for my girl, and a toddler bed for my boy.  THEY DIDN”T USE THEIR BEDS.  Now, I got it. You know? Like, Daddy was gone, my daughter was newly in kindergarten, we’d moved to a new place abruptly, and Mama was in the room with them for the first time. They both piled into my bed with me - my 5 year old and my 2 year old (who yep, was still in diapers, believe me I smelled like toddler pee and baby sweat far more than I want to remember...) and once again I was sometimes a little resentful (I would try to escape to the twin bed after they fell asleep sometimes) but I was both so exhausted, so anxious about the shitty situation that I let it slide and even actually enjoyed it. I finally did find joy in sleeping through the night with them, it was comforting without my husband there, absolutely.  When we all reunited we went years without sleeping that way again, which was fine. Once in a while I’d grab a nap with one or the other in my bed or theirs. Sometimes THEY would have sleep overs and share a bed or room but mostly they enjoy having their own space - my daughter especially.  But now, here we are again. Daddy isn’t in my bed. So the kids are. They take turns. It’s fine. I can sleep alone but I prefer not to, now. It’s very lonely without my husband there, ever. I was actually pretty fucking sad about it. And, you know. The anxiety nights and nightmares can be better if I can look over and see someone I love safe and real. The kids won’t be small enough to do this much longer and if they’re happy and I’m happy, then we best do it while we can. My husband has been waking us up when he comes to bed at 6 or 7 - he brings the dogs now and we all have a big cuddle and play session before I get the kids up for school. It’s nice.  Last night I had both kids in with me. We’ve not done that for many years because they’re too big and they fight and someone inevitably gets too hot/has no blankets/kicks someone/wants to be next to mum/farts and pisses someone off/etc ad fucking nauseum. But last night I let my daughter in after a week and a half of banning her from sleeping with me - she was acting out and I finally had to tell her to fuck off because dude I already deal with some pretty gnarly insomnia, you canNOT fuck with what sleep I get - but her brother got in some trouble for something and was sad. So. I put her beside me, and him at the foot of the bed. I actually woke up during the night and was petting him with my foot because I thought he was my big dog - until he started farting and I was like... that doesn’t sound like Dana farts....ha. Anyways wow I had a flash to a memory I hadn’t thought of it a very long time.  I used to sleep at the foot of my mum’s bed. (we did a lot of co sleeping in my family, but again - it’s for another post to examine. It wasn’t a healthy situation I don’t think.) I have a distinct memory from... gosh I was young. It was before we left Cassiar mining town so I was 5 or under. I was dreaming about peeing into one of her little painted ornamental boxes that she had, and of course I peed the bed. Wasn’t something I did more than any other kid I don’t think (although I did sleep walk and pee in people’s shoes which... yeah again, another post) and I didn’t get in trouble for it that time, it’s not a traumatic memory.  It was just funny. To remember that when I woke up and saw my son at the foot of my bed. And I’ve been thinking about co sleeping. So. That’s why I wrote all this. I don’t really know where I’m going with all of this but I think there is something for me to unpack. My sleeping problems have been exacerbated the last few years, but the nightmares, night terrors, paralysis, and sleep walking and sleep talking have been constant since I was... well. A new born. I never slept. It fucking killed my mother it was very very hard on her. I know that, so I know it must have been bad. I don’t sleep walk anymore, thankfully, but I do sleep TALK and I’ve lashed out physically against my husband many times (Never against my kids. Ever, just to be clear. And when I was going through a period of hitting him at night we completely stopped allowing the children into bed with me until I stopped. I haven’t had any incidents like that since.) So I think I need to go comb through and examine some more trash.  I think I need to find a better name for it though. Some of it is trash sorting but... you know. That negative word doesn’t always feel right. I’ll work on it.  The end.