#People keep asking me for advice on how to appear more masculine

[theeretblr]

Are you open to makeup tips and stuff?

Because as someone who basically figured out how to do makeup fully through experimentation and stuff I learned some handy dandy things

PLEASE! I need whatever make up/outfit tips I can get!

There's a lot to learn, especially when I never grew up with femininity, so I'm learning it all now.

To anyone: Are there any good make up looks/tutorials/advice you would recommend? :o

[justin-chapmanswers]

Sorry if this is a bit rude, but how do you consider yourself as he/they or they/he? I am questioning my sexuality and gender at the moment and seeing you (idk if ur lgbt) makes me find comfort, if you can, how did you realise you were not straight and how I can find mine! :3

Oh golly uh. Let's see if I can keep this short and then bury it under other answers. <3

Labels are fun cause they're so funky and ever-changing as you learn more about yourself. So, firstly, don't stress about finding something so perfect right away and bounding yourself to it. You're still you, any way you word it.

Gender-wise I'm in a state of def preferring they but being chill enough with he. Like whateverrrrr. It's hard to get around societal norms and perceptions, so my expectations are calibrated accordingly. I of course feel that for people who feel more strongly about a specific label, it's important to fight for it to be recognized whenever you're in a safe-enough environment to do-so. But for me, the concept of pushing for a specific label or, even more-so, of seeing other people pushing others to use a specific label for me is veryyyy anxiety-inducing. I tend to avoid spotlight when possible. But at the same time, a lot of it just comes down to not wanting to be grouped/perceived gender-ly at all. I tend to use the label agender. But I'm sure a lot of people have similar experiences with different labels. I just, ya'know, wanna be me.

Gender exploration is funnnn. There's no one right way to learning about yourself. Some people know from a young age, almost inherently, some people figure things out a lot later. It's never too late. Some people learn with outfits and styles, some with looking to people/characters who they want to be perceived more-like, some with experimenting through new names/pronouns and feeling-out how being called different things makes them feel. If you have friends you feel safe around with all of this, on or offline, can't hurt to say "hey would ya mind calling me x-name or y-pronoun for a bit?" And if you don't like it, you don't need to stick with it. But really be cognizant of it feels right to you.

Then on the romantic orientation side, that's been a much longer journey haha. I was calling myself straight through middle schooler, bi for a bit in early high school, gay starting in later high school, then for a long while. Nowadays I just say queer. Labels make things easier, until they don’t haha. For me, if you imagine a scale of feminity to masculinity with like little pegs running down the line from 0 to 10, with 5 in the middle, I tend to find myself attracted to people in like the 4 to 8 range? Something like that. But even that's not perfectly consistent! There's never going to be a perfect word for everything. That's why I like queer as an umbrella term. It's also just a cute word, I don't make the rules.

Hence earlier when I mentioned that you should just feel free to keep it open and not close yourself off. Maybe nothing'll change, but what if something does? But of course, I assume you're asking from more of a place of just starting this journey. I'm trying to get my mind back to where I started with that. I think the first time the not-straight realization hit was when a friend of mine didn't show up to an event and I was all like "why am I so miserably sad that he wasn't there?" And then a lightbulb appeared over my head and out-loud I said "aw damnit." And then things have been weird and confusing ever since.

But in terms of giving advice, it's hard to not just be like "uhh idk just hang out with people that makes you feel gooey." But obviously it's more complicated than that. A decade ago, I was taking random "am I gay" tests online. But they're kinda silly cause the questions on those would ask me to fill in information about how I feel, but how am you supposed to know how I feel without the test telling me how I feel??????? So realistically, I'd advise private journaling. Just take some time, even five minutes. Start now. Write out who you are drawn to, in any sense, and how they make you feel. Especially if you're like me and have trouble self-reflecting unless I force myself to. Like. In a Tumblr post.

There's so many ways to explore. It's also nice to look at relationships in life and media and seeing if you connect to any relationship or long to fit into someone's place within a relationship. That's why representation matters, baybeeeee! But also, ya'know, talking to people goes a long way to learning about yourself. Trial 'n error let's gooooo.

And above all: you got this.

[brujaluas]

MASTERLIST OF THE BRUJALUAS

Donates: https://ko-fi.com/brujaluastarot if you want a paid reading or spiritual spells and ritual with me send me a message, don´t be shy list of paid readings and spells

The Love Readings...

The pink letters are about future spouse...

What will my wedding night be like?

What do cupids want to offer me? What is the gift of love?

If it were a poem dedicated to me, what remained written with me in mind?

the things about you that most attract your future spouse

Your love life in 2024

how to speed up the connection with your future spouse

What would it be like if you had immersed in a fiction story with your love?

What will our love story be like?

the red and green flags of my future spouse

If my future lover sent me a text message, what would it be?

All about your future spouse

How is my ex's life and what are your thoughts?

Letter from your soulmate

Who is my soulmate?

Who loves me secretly?

the personality and appearance of your future spouse

How will your future spouse show their love?

Romantic letter for you

reasons that will make you and your future spouse fight

playlist of your relationship with your future spouse

first thought by your future spouse when look you

Readings only for +18

The kinks your future spouse will have with you

Things you need to know about them +18 nsfw

the first time in bed with your future spouse

How will your future spouse treat you in bed? +18

SPIRITUAL MESSAGES

things you need to hear

Message from spiritual beings that accompany you

What will happen to you this summer?

What you need to hear, the universe want to see you

What's stopping me from reaching my goals?

What is your power?

everything that the person you have in mind want to tell you

advice you should follow immediately

yes or no.

How do men see you?

Readings for your personal growth

ANALYZING YOUR 2024, THE NEW YEAR WILL BEGIN

your next glow up

your feminine and masculine energy

The impression you leave on people when they look at you

things you are not developing

your next successful manifestation

your hidden talents

Secrets you keep in your heart

your next physical and mental change

everthing about my paid readings and spells

About personal readings for you - tarot readings

two hearts method - everything about your future spouse's relationship with you + nsfw about the two of you- 15 dollars

silver method - one question about anything (15 minutes or more of reading, be ready for read an ebook) - 10 dollars

silvers methods - two questions about anything - 20 dollars

pearl method - all about YOU, focus only on you and your growth in life - 10 dollars

yes or no (with resolutions) - 5 dollars

lovers method - Letter with channeled messages about someone you want to know (soulmate, future spouse, friends, family, celebrity crush) - 16 dollars

pinks method - what would your relationship be like with the celebrity you like? (I would like to remember that it would not be something specifically loving and romantic) - 8 dollars

past lifes - everything about your past life - 12 dollars

lapis lazuli - 4 answers for you, reading about your financial life in the future, reading about your love life, can ask a yes or no question (with resolutions) and updates about your connection with your future spouse - 50 dollars

SPIRITUAL WORKS

"love, you are honey in my mouth" - love work to make the person you love or your crush see you with heart eyes. ( the person becomes more gentle and affectionate) - 15 dollars

"I don't want you, I don't want your touch or company" - I work to make the person move away from you, you know that toxic person? it can be dissolved from your life with my works - 15 dollars

"my spirit feels good" energetic spiritual cleansing, oh my dear, if you knew that sometimes something is not flowing positively because of the bad energy that surrounds you, I am here to cleanse. - 15 dollars

Prosperity - "my life is as sweet as strawberries with honey" - prosperity in everything - 15 dollars

[totally-sapphic-posts]

Hi :)

I'm the anon who sent you the little confession a few days ago and I was wondering if you have any advice for me. Whilst it was the first time I admitted I'm struggling with this, it's not new at all. It's been a struggle for as long as I can remember, but definitely since hitting puberty (which is like 10-15 years ago), and I feel like I've still made no progress in figuring myself out.

My relationship with my body is kinda weird. Some days I feel like it's a sack of potatoes I have to drag around, other days I kinda like it. It's like I'm a puzzle. Right now everything fits together well and it makes the picture that is me, but there are certain individual pieces that I really don't like. If I were to change them however, what happens to the big picture? It feels like either those new pieces wont fit with the rest or all the pieces have to change, completely changing the picture, and I don't think I like either of those options.

I'm extremely lucky in that my environment is quite progressive and self expression generally isn't frowned upon at all. So I can more or less wear whatever I want and I've convinced myself that that's enough for me, but there's always this lingering feeling inside of me that if it weren't for others, I might've done things differently.

Anyways, it feels nice to get that off my chest, so thanks :)

I'll start off by saying that I can only give advice from my perspective and experience, and that I in no way know everything or even the best way to approach this. In saying that, I would love if others who have different perspectives could maybe comment theirs.

Onto the advice :))

One perspective I know many people take is analysing where your feelings of discomfort in yourself may be coming from.

I have found that even in queer communities and trans communities, we're just upholding gender stereotypes which fuels a lot of gender identity questioning. In fact, I saw a post a few days ago where a woman who dresses fairly masculine and appears adrogynous was talking about how she's constantly addressed by strangers with 'they/them' pronouns. On one hand, she loves the inclusivity and that traditional male/female pronouns aren't the default anymore, but on the other hand she felt that there was an entirely other box that has been created. People saw her, saw that she didn't express herself in a typical female way, but not quite male either, so strangers keep labelling her as a they/them.

I even found personally that I struggled a lot with my gender identity because even in trans communities, we uphold gender stereotypes. I had to do a lot of self-searching and figure out that I'm just typically very masculine presenting and enjoy stereotypically masculine things. My friends are majority male, and that's just how it is. That doesn't make me a man, and doesn't make me a they/them either. I'm just me. With whichever way I choose to express myself, I'm just me.

Try out pronouns you like and feel comfortable with, dress how you want, act in ways that make you feel comfortable, enjoy your interests unapologetically.

And with the body discomfort, personally, I found that working out really really helped me. I love being strong and being seen as such. I love putting effort into myself and walking comfortably in my skin from taking care of myself in that way. Even if I'm wearing baggy clothes (which is the majority of the time) and no one can see how I actually look underneath, there's an odd comfort in my skin.

Speaking to a lot of people, I've found that there's this discomfort in self that is so deeply ingrained through no fault of their own that, at its root, is a societally ingrained perception of gender.

I've been asked hundreds of times, 'what is a woman?', I even attended a conference where this question was addressed at one point. And I discovered that it didn't matter how comfortable or uncomfortable in their own skin the woman was, everybody's answer differed. And from that, I've mentally broken down the construct of what a woman is, because nobody bloody knows, or at least, there is no one shared definition.

So, to me, I am a woman. What that means for me is I'm biologically a certain way. Outside of that? How I express myself? Whatever, that's just personal preference. If today I'm wearing a dress that barely goes past my ass and shows so much cleavage a good christian woman is clutching her pearls, and tomorrow I'm rocking the baggiest outfit ever, it doesn't mean I was more feminine one day and more masc the next, I was just going with what's comfortable. There is no gender involved there. I just am. On paper, I'm a female. What that means? I don't know. I don't even know if it has much significance other than medically and how I take care of my body and providing it with what it needs to stay healthy.

That's gender for me.

I don't know if this was useful or just came across as a rant.

But yeah, figure out the why. Is it you, or a subconcious need to feel a certain way because of external factors? Play around, find what makes you feel like you. Don't worry about anyone else. They don't have to be you. Only you have to experience yourself all the time, so you deserve to be happy being you in whichever way makes you comfortable in your skin.

[imjustabeanie]

hiii i’m cheri 🏹 from dreamcrush this is gonna be so fun. can i get a matchup for genshin & hsr ?

20, they/he, nonbinary bi (ok with being matched with a guy or a girl), chaotic / true neutral, istj.

appearance: uh like 5’5-5’6, bleached white hair about shoulder length. pale with freckles in summer. i usually wear comfy clothes and dark / more masculine colors (black gray blue green). idc if my partner is taller or shorter than me.

my sense of self is pretty unstable but i’ll try to do my best here. im often praised for my charisma by my friends and my ability to make people like me. i’m really not great at talking to people though it causes me more anxiety than it’s worth usually. but i’m not really the type to get anxious and shrink away from things im moreso the type to make myself bigger to compensate. i’m good at getting along with people but at the same time i don’t really Like people a lot and tend to keep to myself more than anything. i can seem rude or standoffish but i’m just pretty blunt and straightforward about things. i have a tendency to seem more aggressive than i actually intend to be.

i’m not great at opening up about things unless it’s the people i’m closest to, like if i’m dating somebody. i don’t talk to friends about my problems a lot. i’m pretty logical and good at problem solving so a lot of people come to me for advice. i’m two years into studying for a psychology degree. i’m not super ambitious i don’t think and mostly just go with the flow and work to take care of the people i’m closest to.

i’d consider myself a “fixer” type so usually i go for characters or even people irl that struggle with different things, usually feel unloved to some capacity, because i want to show them love and care that they probably haven’t had before and make things better for them. i care about the people i love more than absolutely anything.

usually i go for girls that are cute and kind of anxious because i like taking care of people and making them feel safe. for guys i either like sweet “boy nextdoor” types or guys who are like . really messed in the head that i can take care of and be that special someone to them.

i hope this is ok i’ve never done this before !!!! you can message me if you had other questions or if i messed up on anything @heartsona

Your Genshin match is....Furina!

First of all, she's your type. She's nervous, she's cute, she's unstable and she needs help. When she falls she falls hard and does her best to make herself look worthy. That's why someone like you, who'd reassure her and show her real love would be so fitting.

Furina isn't easy to read. Just like you she doesn't open up easily. There's a high chance you'll open up before her! She likes how logical you are as you help her keep her head on her shoulders. She knows she can count on you and it makes her feel so happy to finally have a rock to rely on during her hardships. When you finally talk about your own problems she'd be so happy as it's a big step for you. She may not give the best solutions but she's the best support you could ask for.

Your couple is a rather cute one. Here you have one that's as cool as a cucumber and then the short one that's basically a ticking bomb with many layers. Seems dysfunctional but it actually works very well. Furina likes exploring Fontaine with you and doing all the things she couldn't do while she was an archon. You two are gonna have a lot of fun and just as she'd learn to heal you'll learn to love.

Your HSR match is....Blade!

The embodiment of honey I'm back from the psych ward. You really like your degree don't you? Do you like math? They also have a lot of problems...Anyways back to the main topic I choose Blade because he is your type. But also a real challenge cuz he wants to stay messed up.

Blade is difficult as he doesn't really strive to better himself. You'd have to leggit fistfight him for it. But once he finds someone he wants to settle with he'd calm down and accept to get some help. You'd be the only person he'll confide in so I hope you're ready.

Despite all of this, Blade does his best to be a loving boyfriend. He'd express it through actions like remembering your favorite things and being your personal bodyguard. He's always here to listen but he's not that good at comforting. It's a rather new situation for it and he feels guilty that you got a cursed being like him....yeah I hope you're a good fixer.

[scriptlgbt]

i'm currently in the writing process of writing my first book. the main love interest is an androgynous non-binary heir. Considering it's a fantasy world, I chose to make it societally normalized. My biggest issue so far has been gender coded appearance descriptors and gendered titles (ie. prince/princess). I want this character to remain as impossible to misgender as possible. close friend's of mine who are non-binary said that oxymorons (ie. softly angular) are my best bet - (1)

(2) - as a cis writer, i thought i'd ask you on how to describe someone androgynous in writing without using gendered words/descriptors. I'm sorry if this may seem like an overbearing question, and please correct me if I had said anything misinformed or offensive. Thank you for your time.

Don’t worry about this being an “overbearing” question - it’s not at all. This blog specifically exists to answer questions like this. There are undoubtedly other people who wonder the same things but who either are afraid to ask (so don’t) or are rude about it. So asking a question respectfully, especially in a setting where you are specifically invited to ask questions, is the best option of those. At least when it comes to something where you need to know the answer for some reason, like in writing good representation.

To get to the actual advice though: I can’t actually tell what you mean by gender-coded appearance descriptors, so I’m going to try to cover what I can. If you’re worried about something like, “soft ringlets and bold eyeliner” skewing feminine (for example), I wouldn’t worry that much about it. Something that describes body parts that happen to be gender-coded by society (breasts or an Adam’s apple for example) will land a lot differently, however. They will likely read with a fetishy tone in most writing. (I’m sure describing these characteristics on a trans character *can* be done in an alright way, but I don’t advise it because of how difficult that would be to pull off.) But as for general descriptors, I wouldn’t worry too much about making sure the descriptions are perfectly even.

Androgyny tends to be perceived differently based on the birth assignment as well. This isn’t fair, but it’s something society does a lot. Ideas of masculinity bringing a DFAB person closer to androgynous, and vice versa, as though our birth assignments are inherently going to skew us one way or another and we need to take efforts in our presentation to counteract that. I found when I started presenting in a way where I was confident and assuming what I would want to wear after top surgery and being on testosterone for a long time, people started assuming I had a different birth assignment more often. I think some of this may be just that people tend to assume groups of people are the same and that I am most often with trans women. But I only think that’s some of it. I’ve sometimes gotten this assumption when I am on my own as well. (Someone once asked me how I’d deal with it as a nonbinary person after being on testosterone long enough to “start passing as a man” and I had to explain that I never really passed as a cis man. Maybe I’ve passed as DMAB, but not as a man. These are not at all the same things.)

Another thing: I get what you’re going for when you mean “as impossible to misgender as possible” but I think it’s also important just to keep in mind that people will find ways to misgender us no matter what. Being seen as myself doesn’t change that some people are going to want to undermine that by making up details in the absence of information. There’s no shortage of people on the internet who tried to hurl transmisogyny at me when I was pointing out transphobia, because their sole perception of transness was the kind that transphobes fearmonger about. So if you can’t get an audience who genders the character correctly, it’s not your fault. Pronouns are easy to get (w/ some variation) when you fundamentally believe that a person is who they are and that their pronouns are part of that. And/or when people practice enough. Don’t take this as a measure against your writing.

Some neutral-coded description ideas:

(Note: some of these may not be neutral-coded depending on setting, but I read them as such personally.)

describing mood/facial expression

mannerisms/the way they carry themself

tone of voice

the way they dress (do their shoes look comfortable? jeans look well-worn? shirt ironed? aesthetic choices?)

confidence, hesitancy, timidness, how this may change around different characters or in different settings

voice speed/volume/pacing

their body language in relation to others present

hair, complexion, other physical features (highly rec this masterpost by Writing With Color on describing various features)

interacting with some object or hobby that helps paint a picture of them (smacking gum, holding a skateboard, paint stains on an apron, boxing gloves hanging off their bike)

piercings (& jewelry), tattoos

the way the weather is interacting with them (wind making their hair blow into their face constantly, rain weighing down their velvet pantsuit, clumsy on the frozen sidewalk, twirling a parasol)

- mod nat

[asexual-means-no-attraction]

do you have any tips for writing trans characters? I'm an author interested in doing so but I don't have any trans friends I can ask. Aside from the obvious to write them as people and not tokens, what are certain things you think writers should keep in mind? Experience-wise, things to look out for, things that you shouldn't do at all, stuff like that. If you have any tips on how to research further on my own that'd be great too! Thank you!

Random advice for writing trans characters from a trans man that does not speak for the whole community but who cares:

-just go for it. I can't stress this enough. Just write it. Even if it's bad. You can always go back and change it, fix it, rewrite it. But you gotta start first.

-what age is the character? Minors don't generally medically transition beyond possibly hormone blockers. But it does happen depending on the case. I know someone who started stuff in high school.

-you can do a lot with their voice. Once your voice drops you can't change it. There are a lot of voice exercises I've seen for trans women to help raise it. Trans men when they first start hrt will have their voices squeak like teenage boys.

-consider how this affects their relationship with their family. Supportive, unsupportive? Maybe the parents are supportive but the character didn't realize their gender till adulthood, leading the parents to thing they made their child feel unsafe growing up (this happened to me). You can do a lot of stuff with family dynamics beyond just being terrible or amazing. My gf's mom is supportive but asks a lot of personal and inappropriate questions cuz she didn't know any better. Could easy come off bad despite the best intentions.

-location. I live next to an amazing hospital system that has an entire department for LGBT care. It's made medically transitioning super easy and simple. Not everyone is going to have that. Where do they live? What resources do they have access to?

-when did they realize they're trans? Adulthood, childhood? 21? 56? These change a lot about ones personal experiences and their personal journey.

-other health issues? There are a lot of health issues, mental illness, medical conditions, that can make realizing, accepting, getting medical treatment, and getting accepted a lot harder. Many autistic people find it hard to get people to take them serious for example. Someone with a health issue might not be able to bind (cause too much breathing issues), or get onto hrt. Maybe they can't handle specific surgeries.

-what step in their transition are they. Not every trans personal does every single medical transition they can, if they do any at all. I don't have a dick, but I can understand why a trans women would be scared to get rid of hers even if she doesn't want it. Surgery is scary. Needles are scary. I did a gel packet for hrt for my first two years because I didn't like needles. I'm still not over my fear of needles, but I can at least give myself a shot once a week.

-body type. What is their body type. This changes how well they can pass, how the Dr's treat them when they try to medically transition, how other people treat them for being trans, etc. Same thing goes for disability and what not. What other factors are they dealing with outside of being trans?

-how did they come off before and after coming out? I used to come off as a very masculine women. I was seen as a butch lesbian through and through. But then after transitioning I started getting people thinking I was an overly feminine man. I have had people think I was gay and my gf was my beard before. I have not changed my personality at all. I have the same interests, I act the same way, I have not changed at all beyond my outward appearance and being more comfortable in my body. But the way people view me has changed drastically. I went from masculine to feminine (despite going from female to male), curvey to bulky, etc etc. How have people's views of them changed? How does that effect them?

-economic status? It's harder to pay for shit if you don't got money. It's easy for rich parents to hold money over their kids heads to control them as they become adults.

-sexuality? Being trans brings a new experience to dating and especially finding a partner.

-in terms for things to avoid. I know fandom culture will tell you otherwise, but I don't have much for you here. Beyond making sure they actually speak like a normal person. People don't just introduce themselves in class or to coworkers like "hi I'm [name]! I used to be [dead name]. Let's get along!" Ya know? Most people don't tend to bring up they're trans unless it's relevant or they feel safe. There are a lot of ways you can reveal a character is trans that actually feel realistic.

Stuff to research:

-passing techniques for pre-medically transitioning. Binding, tucking, baggy clothes, hair cuts, voice practice, etc etc.

-what kind of care is out there for the characters location and time period. You don't have to be super accurate here. As a reader I won't notice. But it's good to have a feel for what is within the realm of possibility. You aren't going to give a midevil peasant top surgery of the same quality we have in the modern day.

-read articles where trans people talk about how they realized they were trans. How they describe it. It'll help with figuring out how your character might of come to realize things. For example, I cried when I was a child because I wanted to be a boy. But I couldn't explain why. My parents explained I could do anything a boy can while being a girl with the exception of peeing standing up (which got a whole nother tantrum outta me lol). I eventually accepted this and the idea of being male took a back burner. It wasn't important to me. I was so used to the uncomfortableness I felt that I was able to ignore it completely. Until college when I did a drag show as a drag king and felt like myself in a way I never had before. For the most post, I find many trans people had signs growing up that were ignored (whether for good or bad reason. I don't blame my parents at all. I think they made the right call making me feel like I could do anything I wanted to) and then come to actually realize things later on in life. You don't need to show how your character realized things. But them realizing when their 15 vs 22 vs 35 will effect their character. So it'd be good to have some idea of when they realized things.

That's all I can thing of right now. Might add more later. If anyone wants to add more feel free. Hope that helps anon.

[watchmegetobsessed]

SAFE AND SOUND

a/n: this one took a little longer to write, but im so happy its finally finished! its not what i originally planned, i started a whole different plot but hated it so started again, but i might go back to the first story, so maybe more bodyguard!harry content is gonna come! anyway, hope you’ll enjoy this one!

pairing: Bodyguard!Harry X Reader

warning: use of weapon (no one dies), mentioning of cancer (no one is sick), sexual content

word count: 9.1k

masterlist

“This is not up for discussion, Y/N. What you are doing and what you are about to achieve soon might upset a lot of people that hold great power. We can’t just assume you’ll be fine, walking around like anyone else in the world.”

Your boss, Julian explains it to you, leaning onto his desk, trying his best to keep his cool about your protest to get you a guard to watch out for you and keep you safe. It’s been an ongoing struggle and fight you two have been having these past weeks and it became a burning situation since you’ve made some major progress in your project.

“I’m not some kind of royalty to have security with me all the time,” you grumble rolling your eyes.

“Not just royalties have guards, Y/N. Just accept it, that you’re valuable, your work is very important not just to our company but to the whole world. Do you not realize how big it is? You are close to having the cure to cancer, Y/N! You can easily get a Nobel-prize for that!”

“I know that it’s important, but no one knows me, no one will see me on the street and know who I am or what I do!”

“It’s not about the people on the street. The world is a dark place, darker than you could imagine. Please, just… I want to know that you’re safe.”

Staring back at him with your arms folded on your chest you contemplate his words. You can see the rationality in his words, it’s just that you don’t want to break your routine, you don’t want people around you all the time, you don’t want to end your privacy like that. But Julian is right, your work is important and there have already been a few attempts to steal your researches, but they miserably failed. However that doesn’t mean they will be stopped the next time as well.

“One guard,” you speak up. “Just one. I’m not gonna have a whole fucking team,” you tell him raising your eyebrows. He lets out a relieved sigh, a tiny smile tugging on his lips.

“I was hoping you’d say that.” Reaching out to the phone he presses the buzzer that signals to his assistant, Monica outside and a few moments later she walks in, accompanied with a tall, suited man, his green eyes immediately falling to you upon entering the room.

“Y/N, I took the courage to pick him out for you myself. This is Harry Styles, the best you can find in the city if not in the country,” Julian introduces him as he pushes himself away from his giant mahogany desk, walking closer to the man as they shake hands firmly. You stand up from the armchair you’ve been sinking into these past ten minutes and unsurely hold out your hand to the man.

“Harry Styles, pleasure to meet you,” he introduces himself, a thick British accent lacing through his voice and the way his green irises stare back at you, you can feel your heart fluttering in your chest. Mr. Styles is undeniably the most charming and handsome man you’ve ever met, with his perfectly carved cheekbones and chiseled jawline, pink lips and those enchanting green eyes framed by his thick lashes. There’s something in his appearance, something feminine, but still, he holds so much masculinity at the same time, it’s hard not to be enamored by him.

“Y/N Y/L/N,” you mumble your name, shaking his hand slightly before letting go of it.

“Details about your cooperation have already been discussed with the security agency and us, but of course, your word is what counts, so we’ll walk over the whole plan with you as well,” Julian explains to you and you nod shortly.

The three of you move to the conference room and the next hour goes by with working those so called details out, some of them are ridiculous, some of them you can get used to, at the end you are left with a somewhat bearable plan, but one thing is for sure. Harry Styles will be a big part of your life from now on.

THREE MONTHS LATER

The tiny pack of sugar tears open in your hands, but you put too much effort into it so the countertop is now covered with the content of the pack instead of ending up in your paper cup.

“Fuck,” you growl, dumping the empty pack into the trash before grabbing another one, hoping it won’t end up the same way.

“Let me help you,” a smooth, male voice speaks up next to you and Harry grabs the pack from your hands as he places his own coffee to the counter. You let him tear the pack open easily, pouring the sugar into your drink without problem before he puts the lid back to your cup.

“Thank you,” you mumble, closing your tired eyes for a split second. You’ve been overworking way too much these past weeks, it’s starting to shut your system down, but you don’t want to rest, not when you’re so close to finishing your project.

The past two weeks have been major, you finally made the progress you’ve been working towards for months now, letting you step into the last phase of your work finally. But it’s been a quite stressful time as you’ve been eager to finish as soon as possible, but that meant little to no time spent outside of your lab.

Harry shoots you a reassuring smile before you both grab your drinks and head out of the café in the direction of your workplace.

The past three months were one hell of a ride when it comes to Harry. You didn’t hide your dislike towards his continuous presence in your life, standing by your side wherever you went. It frustrated you, made you feel like you didn’t have your freedom any longer even though he never did anything to make you hate him. He was considerate, respectful and only wanted to do his job, yet you still gave him a hard time at the beginning, right until the need for his work was proved.

Two months ago someone broke into your apartment while you were out, they searched through the whole place, looking for something. Well, not just something, they were clearly interested in anything connected to your research, but luckily, you’re not dumb enough to just let these stuff lay around your home.

Even though you didn’t encounter the person responsible for it, the incident still shook your up. Knowing that someone could get into your personal space so easily, that they could have come at a time when you were home and vulnerable, it scared you. Harry was the person that eased the worry and fear in you, he took care of everything in an instant and upon his best advice, you moved to a new apartment with a higher security level. He even moved to the place next to yours so he could be as close to you as possible at all times. There was a much needed shift in your relationship after that and you didn’t see him as an intruder any longer in your life, but more as a hero.

“So would you like Italian or Mexican tonight for dinner?” Harry asks as the two of you enter the building, using your IDs you go through the massive security gates, the guards in post nodding in your way.

“Isn’t it your night to choose?” you smile at him sideways as you wait for the elevator.

“Okay, then Thai,” he smirks, making you laugh. “Hope you are not planning on eating it here again,” he gives you a warning look and you purse your lips.

“I have a lot to do, and—“

“Y/N, you need to rest sometimes,” he scolds you as if you were just a child.

“I do rest. Sometimes,” you answer with an innocent look as the elevator’s door slides open and you walk in with Harry following you right behind.

“Like once a week? Do you even sleep when you’re at home?”

“I do! Don’t make me look like I’m some kind of crazy workaholic!”

“I’m just worried about you, is all,” he sighs, giving you a hard look.

“Oh, Mr. Styles. If I didn’t know you better I would think you might have a soft spot for me,” you smirk at him teasingly before the elevator arrives to your floor and you walk out without a word. Harry just stares after you with a small smile tugging on his lips as he thinks about your words. It’s funny, especially because you both know something more than just a professional relationship has been going on between the two of you, only dancing around it as the situation is a little too complicated to address now.

It’s not like any rules are tying you down, but you would rather not mix up work with your private life. You might have feelings for Harry, but you refuse to act up on them until he is out of his duty as your personal guard.

Your days are usually the same. While you lock yourself up in your lab, working with no end, Harry stay either with you in there or he hovers around the door, keeping an eye on everyone and everything. Just the thought of his presence never fails to bring you a sense of comfort, knowing that you don’t have to worry about your safety until he is near. It might seem nerdy, but you can easily get lost in your work. It doesn’t feel like a job, growing up with parents who were excellent doctors and pharmacists themselves, you were doomed to be a science enthusiast yourself from the beginning. Learning has never been a task for you but a gift, as you liked to look at it.

Working overtime happens often because you lose touch with time easily once you get down to work. Nothing exists outside of your lab and you hardly realize how late it is until Harry usually warns you.

“I didn’t joke when I said I didn’t want to have dinner in here,” he steps into your sanctuary while you’re in the middle of running tests for the millionth time today. Pushing your glasses up to the top of your head while the machines are buzzing and whirling, you look up at him with a tired smile.

“Let me just… finish this one last test and then I promise we’ll head out.”

“Alright, but I’m watching you. No more tests,” he warns, sitting on one of the stools while you finish what you started.

Harry never really asked you about your work, for a while you weren’t even sure if he knows what you’re doing and why it’s so important. It was never discussed at the beginning and he never brought it up later either. But judging from the time he spends near you at the lab he must have picked up a few things about it surely.

The machines stop working and the tiny beeping sound signals that the results are out. You grab the long printed paper and start scanning the data, chewing on your bottom lip as you hope to find what you’ve been looking for all day. The numbers are coming in great, but it’s been like this for a while, it’s the end that never matches up with your expectations. So when you get there and see the graphs showing the result that you’ve been dreaming of since the start of the whole project years ago, your mouth falls open in disbelief even though it’s what you’ve been working for all this time.

“Oh my God,” you whisper.

“What?” Harry’s head snaps up in alert, jumping off the stool.

“I… I did it,” you breathe out, glancing up from the paper. “It’s my first time succeeding, Harry!” you start laughing, the shock taking over your whole body that you really did it this time.

“And what does that mean?”

“Come on, let me show you,” you tell him in excitement, pulling him over to the computer where you pull up all the data you’ve been working on. A virtual version of a cell comes up on the screen as you start typing, modelling what you want to show him. “This is a completely healthy cell, it’s what you are made of too, mostly,” you ass with a chuckle before another cell comes up on the screen. “And this is what cells that are affected by cancer look like.”

The difference is a lot more complicated than what you can explain to him in such a short time, but he can see it with his own eyes. The color, the shape, everything is different from the first one. Harry examines the screen and nods shortly, letting you know that he is following.

“I’ve been working on a substance that is able to not just detect the cancerous cells but it can also kill it effectively without hurting the healthy ones.”

You bring up the virtualized version of the substance you’ve been working on, a short animation showing how it can tell the two cells apart and only attack the cancerous one.

“I haven’t been able to get the numbers above 60% when it comes to succeeding in the process of selection so my whole project was about finding a solution to that. I’ve been trying to find the right substance to mix with our already existing one to solve the problem, but I haven’t been successful in it.”

“I assume until now,” Harry hum and you nod smirking.

“Yeah. The last test results came back very good, quite promising. It’s still not the end of the process, but it’s a huge step.”

“That’s great,” he smiles at you and though you know he probably understands just a fracture of the whole process, he can still figure out how important it is. “Congrats, Y/N.” “Thanks,” you breathe out, pride filling your chest as you shut the computer off. “I guess this is my cue to end the day,” you smile at him before packing up everything, getting ready to finally leave.

It’s not the first time Harry is spending the evening at your place. You often have dinner together, or watch a movie whenever you get home early enough to do that. Through the time you’ve spent together because of his job you’ve grown to be friends above everything. Good ones, in fact, which is a big deal for you since making friends has never been an easy task for you.

You bought takeout on the way home and as Harry set the table you poured yourself a glass of wine, knowing well Harry would never drink when he is on duty and he is basically working all the time he is with you, so you’re drinking alone. You both sit to the dining table, starting dinner together in a comfortable silence. It’s another thing you appreciate about Harry. He doesn’t try to talk when it’s not necessary, you hate small talk, you’d rather sit in silence than talk about something nonsense and Harry is a partner in that.

“When do you need to leave work tomorrow to get to the party on time?” he asks breaking the silence and you freeze. His eyes fall on you, examining your features for a moment before he smirks. “You forgot about it?”

“I just… thought it’s going to be next week,” you truthfully admit.

“We talked about it last week,” he smirks at you playfully. “And I told you it would be next week which is… this week.”

“I know how the days work, Harry,” you give him a look of ‘give me a break’ before you turn back to your food. “I just…”

“You just forgot it,” Harry finishes for you, and you just roll your eyes at him.

Glancing at him over the table you wonder if he’ll wear something different than is usual attire he always wears. Black suit with a white shirt underneath, the top two buttons left undone, giving you a tiny peek at the tattoos on his chest. You know those are not the only ones, you’ve seen him with the suit jacket off before, the sleeves of his shirt rolled up, his whole left arm is covered in ink and you wish you’ve had the chance to take a better look at them.

Harry is such an intriguing person in a lot of different ways. He definitely likes to keep things to himself, not one to ask for attention and it’s not just because of his work, it’s his personality. However he is good with people, interacting with them, being social. A skill you haven’t really mastered yourself yet and you probably never will. He always seems to know what to say, you’ve never seen him even the slightest bit anxious or nervous before, the confidence he holds is unmatched and it makes it hard to not think about him in ways you shouldn’t be.

After dinner he helps you clean up, just like he always does before heading out, but before he could leave he stops and turns back to face you.

“Oh, a friend of mine is visiting from the UK on Sunday. I already mentioned it to you before, but I was hoping I could get the afternoon off,” he wonders and you nod right away.

“Of course! I’ll be just fine at home,” you smile at him.

“Thank you,” he smiles back before walking out of your place at last.

Because of the party in the evening you are forced to stop working early the next day. It’s weird to leave the office in broad daylight, but you know today can’t be one of those days when you end up seeing the new day in the lab.

Harry was right yesterday, you completely forgot the whole party thing, meaning you didn’t plan anything ahead and you had nothing to wear, so through the day you called your sister, Mara to help you out. She was more than happy to lend you anything you needed. She meets you at the office, beaming to spend some time with you finally. It’s not that you don’t like her company, but you are quite different, is all. Your sister didn’t get sucked into the world of science, though she definitely has the bright mind to take up on any field she would want to explore. But she was more into the world of art, having written her first fantasy novel at the ripe age of twenty, she is now a bestseller author at only twenty-nine with a bubbly personality and basically every trait you never owned yourself.

“Harry! So nice to see you again!” Mara beams at the man as the three of you meet up at the lobby.

“Hi, Mara,” Harry smiles with a tiny nod.

“Alright, I have everything you could need so let’s head to yours!” your sister cheers before you make your way out to your cars.

Arriving to your home Harry splits from the two of you, letting you to get ready in peace and also to get ready himself. Mara didn’t joke when she said she has everything you need, the trunk of her car is basically filled with clothes and shoes, there’s no chance you won’t find something to wear tonight.

She orders you to take a quick shower as she unpacks everything she brought and when you emit from a cloud of steam with a towel wrapped around your body and one on your head, Mara gets down to work.

“So do you have a date for today?” she curiously asks while she does your makeup.

“Huh, yeah, sure,” you huff ironically. “It’s just gonna be Harry and me.”

“So Harry is your date?” her ears perk up, but you’re quick to protest.

“Of course not! He comes with me everywhere,” you mumble with your eyes closed as she is doing something on your eyelids.

“But it could be a date,” she offers and you huff in disagreement.

“You know that’s not how it works, Mara.”

“You are making it more complicated than it is! No one would blame you if you just… went for it! Harry is obviously an attractive guy.”

“Then maybe you should date him,” you bite back bitterly. Growing up you weren’t the boys’ favorite, they always paid all the attention to your sister. It’s not that you blame her or them, she always had a more capturing and lively personality that attracted people naturally. But it made you wonder if there was something wrong with you, spending all your time with your nose buried in a book or doing researches for fun while Mara was out with her friends, living her best life. Even her published books were inspired by her personal life experiences.

“Y/N,” she sighs, her hands leaving your face so you open your eyes to look at her disapproving expression. “You obviously like him so I would never do that and besides that, he for sure likes you too.”

“What’s not true,” you deny right away, but then you look at her curiously. “But why would you think that?”

Mara smirks at you tilting her head to the side, seeing right through your act that you’re not interested in Harry. Of course you are, but you choose to keep it at bay for the sake of his job.

“Y/N, I see how that man watches every move you make. It’s written all over his handsome face.”

“Of course he watches my every move, that’s his job!”

“No, it’s different. You’ll see it sooner or later,” she smiles before ordering you to close your eyes again so she can finish your makeup.

Mara does wonders to your looks, the makeup look she does on you already makes a huge difference since you don’t bother to do anything on your every days. But she didn’t stop there, she made your hair look like you just stepped off of the pages of a magazine and the dress the two of you chose was the cherry on the top. The emerald green dress was tight around your curves, showing just enough of your body to be still considered modest, but also have some spice. And though there are a lot of advantages of the dress, your first and most important thought (to you at least) was how well it goes with the color of Harry’s eyes.

“I’m a genius,” Mara sighs satisfied with her work as you slip on the pair of nude heels and put your necessities into the little clutch you’re taking with you. Just when you’re gone with everything, the doorbell rings and your heart jumps in your chest, knowing that Harry is standing on the other side of the door.

“I’ll get it for you,” Mara smiles rushing to the door as you walk into the hallway, standing a few feet behind her so as she opens the front door and Harry comes into view, over Mara’s shoulder his eyes easily find your figure standing there, feeling a little awkward and self-conscious, like you are about to go to prom with your crush. Difference is that you are not a teenager anymore and you aren’t going anywhere together together. Tonight is just work for him.

But as his bright green eyes fall on your frame and you see his lips slightly part, you can’t help but allow yourself to think for a moment that it’s more than just work. That he feels the same way about it as you do. Though you don’t voice your hopes and just smile at him faintly, hoping you don’t look completely ridiculous in your outfit.

“Harry, come on in!” Mara invites him into the apartment and he walks in, wearing his usual black suit with the difference of having a tie on around his neck, his white shirt is appearing neat and crispy and his sometimes unruly curls are now gently combed back a little so his curls are not falling into his forehead.

“Hi,” you smile at him nervously fumbling with your clutch as he takes a few steps closer to you.

“Hi. You look… beautiful,” he smiles back at you a little breathlessly as he takes a respectful look down your body before his green irises meet your gaze again.

“Thank you. You look great too,” you chuckle softly. “Should we… head out?”

“Yeah, sure!” he nods, offering you his arm and you link your arm with his instantly, hoping you won’t trip in your heels. “Lock the door when you leave, Mara, alright?” you call out to your sister who is watching you smiling.

“Sure! Have fun!”

You wave at her one last time before walking out and shutting the door closed behind you.

This party is held every year at Pharma-Z, mostly this is the time when the brain meets the money. Investors and funders like to meet the people behind the million dollars researches from time to time and this is the occasion where both sides show up. Julian always asks you to be social and try to mingle, but the whole thing feels forced and painful for you. You’d rather just be left alone with your researches and projects without having to schmooze to the people who give you the money for your hard work.

It’s held at one of said investors’ luxurious penthouse, that doesn’t even look like someone’s home with the huge outdoors infinity pool, the spacious and modern interiors and the expensive looking decoration that was put up just for the occasion.

“Y/N! I’m so happy you are here!” Julian approaches you with a drink in his hands and you’re happy to see a familiar face in the crowd. You don’t really know others from work, only your little team you directly work with and of course, your boss, Julian.

“It’s not like I had a choice,” you chuckle giving him a short, friendly hug. Julian is far from a nightmare of a boss some people have to face at their job. He is an actually nice and very smart and intellectual person. The pharmaceutical industry can be harsh and dark, the competition between the businesses is way more intent than people think. This is why you need the protection. Some companies profit off of the fact that cancer has no cure yet. They make money from all the treatments that doesn’t even guarantee full recovery. A lot of big fish don’t want the cure, because that would make them lose a good chunk of their income and some of those would even go to the depth of hurting you for being so close to ruining their business with your invention. Pharma-Z is luckily a genuine company that wants to help sick people and that’s why you’re working there.

“You know how important it is for the company,” Julian sighs, but he understands how uncomfortable these events make you feel, though he can do nothing to help you. “Harry, nice to see you again,” he smiles at the man by your side.

“Julian, nice to see you too,” he nods, shaking hands with your boss.

“Mingle a little so people can see and meet you, alright?” Julian requests and you just nod silently before he moves on to the next group of people.

You get yourself a drink to ease your nerves a little as people start approaching you. Some of them you’ve met last year, but there are a lot of new faces. Your project has brought in quite a few new sponsors and investors and now they want to meet you and talk about the research their money is going into.

You try your best to keep a smile plastered across your face as you tell the people the same thing over and over again, receiving praise and compliments on your work before moving onto the next conversation just to start over again.

You can feel your social batteries running out, not sure you can put up with another conversation with a wealthy investor who wants you to know you have a job because they gave money for your project in hopes of you bringing more money to them.

Harry has stayed by your side the whole evening, and you didn’t notice but he kept examining you every few minutes to make sure you were holding up and he noticed how tired you’ve grown from socializing for so long.

“Y/N,” he softly calls out, his palm finding the small of your back. “Why don’t we get some fresh air?” he kindly offers and you immediately understand that he is trying to get you away from the guests and the overwhelming conversations you’ve been dealing with. Nodding you let him usher you outside, finding a spot where the two of you can be a little alone.

“I fucking… hate small talks and being nice to everyone,” you let out a long and heavy sigh, as you lean against the railing, paying just one short glance at the city’s bright lights under your feet. Harry chuckles shortly.

“I figured. You’ve been chewing your lips so hard I was afraid you’d start bleeding.”

Now that he has brought your attention to it, you realize you are doing it again, so you let go of your bottom lip from between your teeth and it brings out another chuckle from Harry.

“I’m just… not good with these… social stuff.”

“I disagree with that,” he hums, furrowing his eyebrows.

“Oh please, if you haven’t realized it, my number of zero friends is a tell, I think.”

“Come on, it’s not zero. You’re friends with Mara.”

“But family doesn’t count, she is kind of forced to be my friend,” you shrug, making him laugh.

“Okay, but I’m your friend too, aren’t I?” You furrow your eyebrows at him.

“You spend time with me because it’s your job.”

His eyes soften on you as he leans against the railing next to you, looking so effortlessly handsome and charming, you almost need to take a deep breath at the sight of him. And the cheeky smile on his pink lips is definitely not helping your case.

“I know you didn’t mean that. You’re a smart woman, Y/N.” Reaching out he tugs a loose strand of hair behind your ear as he inches closer a tiny bit. “I think we stepped over the line of just work.”

“So… you consider me your friend?” you ask shyly.

“If you have to ask maybe I’ve been doing something wrong,” he chuckles softly, making you smile too. Folding your arms a shiver runs down your spine from the cold evening breeze. “Are you cold?” Harry asks, but before you could even say a word, he shrugs his jacket off and drapes it over your shoulders.

“Oh, thank you,” you breathe out shyly.

“Do you want another drink?”

“Yeah, I think I might need another one,” you chuckle and nodding he tells you to just stay there until he gets you a new one.

Turning towards the view, you enjoy the lonely moments for a little, not too keen on going back inside and keep up the façade of interest any longer. You’d rather just head home, maybe have another drink with Harry on your couch while you watch a rerun of whatever show is on TV and then fall asleep after a hot shower. You’ve been working way too much lately and it’s just now crashing down on you. Next week you definitely should cut back on your hours at the lab, the project is already going amazing, it won’t hurt if you actually had some rest before you lose your mind.

You hear footsteps approaching you and you think it’s Harry returning, but as you turn around you are faced with a stranger, a man who is staring down at you with bloodshot eyes and… a gun pointed at you.

Your breath hitches, your blood freezing in your veins at the sight and your legs almost give up underneath you.

“What… who are you?” Your voice comes out as a whisper, tears already flooding your eyes as you melt against the railing as if you had anywhere to go, but you have no chance against him.

One glance at the gun allows you to see that it has a silencer on, with the music coming from inside and no one around, if he shoots you, he’ll be able to get away before anyone realizes what happened.

The man doesn’t answer, just holds up the gun, aiming right at your chest and you close your eyes, thinking that this is it. This is how your life ends, in the middle of a posh party with no one around to help you. Your lips are trembling and hands are shaking as you hold onto the railing, waiting for the inevitable to come, keeping your eyes shut, not wanting to see your killer as the last thing you see before you go.

And then you hear the muffled gunshot, making you scream in fear, your knees turning into jelly, but the pain never comes. Instead, you hear grunting and growling as a body falls to the ground in front of you.

Your eyes snap open and you see Harry straddling the man, the gun lying near your attacker’s hand and he is trying to reach it, but before he could, you kick it away as Harry throws a punch at his face that stops him from trying too hard to free himself.

The next few moments are so busy and blurry at the same time. Your legs give up underneath you, making you fall to the ground, your whole body shaking in waves. In the meantime Harry gets the man into a position where he can be easily controlled and people start flooding out at the scene, helping Harry while security working at the party take the man, the police already on its way.

When Harry can finally step back from the attacker, his eyes fall on your figure and he rushes over to you, kneeling down next to your trembling body, cradling you into his arms upon seeing how shaken up you are.

“Hey, it’s alright. It’s over, you’re alright,” he murmurs, holding you tight as your fists grab onto his shirt, your breathing is uneven, the oxygen barely makes its way into your lungs as you’re panting and gasping from the shock. “Come on, let’s get you inside, Y/N,” he gently tells you, helping you up from the floor even though your body feels like a pile of brick.

You can feel everyone staring at you, whispering behind your back as you try to hide in Harry’s arms while he walks you back inside, away from the man that tried to take your life. He walks you into one of the bathrooms and closing the lid he sits you down to the toilet while he grabs a towel and wetting it he kneels in front of you, tapping the cloth to your cheeks gently. You haven’t even realized that you’ve been sweating from the shock and the coldness feels amazing against your burning skin.

“I’m sorry,” you mumble, but not even you are sure why.

“Nothing to be sorry for, Y/N,” he gently murmurs, giving your hand a squeeze as you shut your eyes closed. He grabs a glass from one of the cabinets and fills it with water handing it over to you.

“Thank you,” you mumble, bringing it to your trembling lips, but before you could drink it, your eyes snap up to meet his gaze. “And thank you for… what you did.” Your voice dies down at the end, the picture of the man pointing the gun at you still living so vividly in your mind.

“No need, it’s my job after all, right?” he chuckles softly, making your lips twitch the slightest bit before you start sipping on the water.

The police show up soon and they arrest the man who refuses to talk. They also request you to give your statement about what happened, but Harry manages to let you just give them the brief story and go in sometime soon to give them your full statement so you don’t have to spend any more time there. They are quite sure the man was hired by someone who doesn’t want you to finish your project, and it’s scary how far some people are willing to go just for the money, just to keep sick people in suffering for their own benefit.

Heading home you stay silent as Harry drives, staring out the window you let the nightlights of the city pass by you while you still see the same face, the face of the man that held a gun at you tonight. The gunshot is still ringing through your ears, it was so close, so real… of course it was real! All of it was real and your life was on the line. If it weren’t for Harry, you wouldn’t be here right now.

Arriving to your home Harry helps you out of the car and you cling onto his hand as you head up to the apartment. He keys the two of you into your home, flicking the lights on and looking around before you go further inside, just to be sure.

“It’s all clear, don’t worry,” he murmurs as you nod and make your way into the bedroom. Kicking your heels off your feet you sit on the edge of the bed, letting out a long breath, feeling your limbs loosening up a bit for the first time in the past hour.

Harry moves around the place doing whatever before he joins you in the room, kneeling in front of you his hands find your bare knees and your eyes meet his worry-filled green irises.

“Do you want to take a shower?” he softly asks and you nod your head. “Come on, I’ll start the water for you.”

He helps you up from the bed and walks you into the bathroom. You stand there awkwardly, not sure what to do as he starts running the water in the walk in shower before he steps back to you.

“Would you…?” you ask, turning around, needing help with the zipper of your dress. Harry clears his throat as his fingers work on it and a moment later the fabric loosens around your frame as you hold it to your chest with your arms. Turning back around you peek up at Harry and you notice the slight blush on his cheeks.

“I’ll be outside at the door, okay?” He whispers, his fingers delicately touching your cheek as you nod before you watch him walk out and close the door behind him.

The hot water feels freshening, like it could burn away the memories even though it’s still so vivid in your mind. You stand under the running water longer than you intended, but it feels nice and needed. Once you’re done, you wrap yourself into a fluffy towel and walk out of the steamy bathroom only to find Harry sitting at the edge of your bed, waiting like a loyal puppy. When he sees you, he stands from his spot and you don’t miss the way his eyes scan over your body that’s barely covered.

“Alright, I’ll go now, but if you—“ “Don’t!” you gasp, panic taking over you at the thought of being left alone. One of your hands grasps his arm to stop him from moving and he freezes in his spot, staring back at your fearful eyes. “Please, stay here,” you plead, voice barely over than just a whisper.

There’s a heartbeat of a pause in him as he is watching you intently and for a moment you think he’ll say no, but then his hand finds yours on his arm and he gives it a gentle squeeze as he nods.

“Okay.”

You let out a long, relieved breath as you ease into comfort. He’s staying, he’ll be with you all night, protecting you from everything and everyone.

“Can I take a shower too?” he asks softly and you nod, stepping to your wardrobe to get him a clean towel. “Thank you. I’ll be back shortly,” he tells you before walking into the bathroom and shutting the door closed behind him.

You hear the water running again and you find yourself standing at the same spot as you listen to the noises coming from the bathroom. Harry is in there, soaking under the water naked and you can’t take your mind off of how badly you want to be there with him.

It’s not just because of what happened tonight, though it made you realize that you don’t have much time to waste. Nothing can assure that you’ll live another day and you don’t want to deny happiness from yourself. You want to be with Harry and as far as you can make it out, he feels the same way.

Upon a sudden decision, you pad your way over to the bathroom door and open it carefully, the warmth immediately hitting your face as you step inside and close it behind you. The glass of the shower is steamed up, you can only make out the blurry frame of Harry in there and you wonder if he heard you come in, but it doesn’t seem like that. His clothes from the night are lying on the floor in a pile, his watch that he always wears is carefully placed next to the sink.

Your hands grab onto the edge of the towel around your body and you unwrap yourself, hanging it up on the wall before stepping to the shower. Hoping you won’t scare him, you open the door, the steam immediately hugging your naked body warmly and you see him standing there with his back facing you as you step into the spacious walk-in shower.

He notices your presence, you see him freeze mid-movement before he peeks over his shoulder, his eyes falling on you as he slowly turns, facing you completely. Standing in front of him completely bare, you feel more vulnerable than ever in your life. You’re scared that he is going to send you away, that he won’t let you get closer to him and if that happens, you’ll feel humiliated, but he just stands there in his naked glory and doesn’t say anything, so you take it as a chance to shoot your shot.

Reaching up your hands slide to his hard chest, up to the base of his neck as you push your front against his, skin to skin with the hot water running down your bodies. His hands find your waist and you could cry from the feeling of his touch on you. Pushing yourself up to your tiptoes your nose nudges against his as your eyes fall closed.

“Y/N,” he breathes out, stopping you right when your lips could meet. Opening your eyes you see the hesitation in his green irises that appear so much darker than they usually do.

“Do you not want it? You don’t want me?” you whisper.

“I do. It’s not that,” he sighs shaking his head slightly. “But you went through a lot today. I don’t want you to make decisions you might regret in the morning.”

You can’t help the small smile that tugs on your lips at how considerate and protective he is over you, thinking that this might be just something that crashed over you in the heat of the moment, but it’s been in the making from the first day you met him. Despite all your protesting against him, you knew you needed him and not just as your guard. He is what’s been missing from your life all along, you just never realized it.

“There’s nothing I could regret when it comes to you, Harry. I needed tonight to open my eyes. Our days are counted, I’m done running from my own happiness.”

He lets out a long, shaky breath as his hands hold tighter onto your waist while your hands run up his neck until your fingers tangle into his wet locks.

“I need you. And not just because of tonight. I’ve always needed you.”

“I’m here, Y/N. I’m all yours,” he breathes out before his lips smash against yours all wet and hard, but it’s the most heavenly feeling you’ve ever experienced.

You become a mess, tangled in each other, lips melting together as your hands explore naked limbs and torsos, bodies pressing tightly against each other shamelessly. Harry walks you backwards until your back hits the cold tile and you let out a whimper as you arch your back at the sudden feeling, just as his head dips down, lips attacking your neck, kissing and nibbling on the soft skin. Your light leg lifts as his hands wander down your thigh, your hips pressing together and you feel how hard he is, his cock pushed against your other thigh, making you moan at the feeling. Reaching down you blindly wrap a hand around the base, giving him a few slow pumps, earning a guttural growl from him before his lips return to yours, kissing you hard and filled with passion. His hands are all over you, on your thighs, ass, back and chest, as if he was mapping your whole body wanting to remember how every inch feels under his touch.

Without tearing his lips away from yours, he blindly reaches behind him, shutting the water off before urging you to jump into his arms, legs wrapping around his waist. He carries you out of the shower, placing you to the counter next to the sink as he stands between your legs, his hands once again finding your breasts as they knead them, making you whimper and shake under his touch. It’s euphoric and addictive, you already know you won’t be able to go a day without feeling him against you like this.

“Bed?” he breathes out against your mouth and you nod eagerly. Reaching to the side he grabs a towel, wrapping it around you, tapping and squeezing you to dry you off, throwing fits of giggles when you grab it and wrap it around his body as well.

The towel falls to the floor abandoned and forgotten as he lifts you off the counter and brings you to the bed, laying you down and holding himself up above you with one arm. His other hand cups your cheek and turning your head you kiss his palm gently, eyes glued to his as he settles between your legs.

“Are you sure about this?” he breathes out, his lips dancing against your cheek and the corner of your mouth.

“Yes! Harry, please!” you beg with a whimper, your whole body aching to feel him inside you.

“I’ve got you, I’ve got you, love,” he kisses you as his hand leaves your heated face, runs down your naked body until his fingers reach your throbbing clit.

He slides two digits through your already wet folds, but just to work you up even more he starts drawing circles on your bud, turning you into a whimpering mess underneath him. Your fingers dig into the lean muscles on his back, feeling them twitch from his movements and one hand sliding down to his ass, grabbing a handful of him while pushing him closer to you, his erection pressing against your core.

“Harry, I need you!” you moan, not able to contain yourself any longer. You need to feel him, you need him as close as possible.

Reaching over to your nightstand you grab a condom from the drawer, ripping the package open with your teeth before you carefully grab his erection and roll the condom down his length, ready to finally feel him inside you.

He flicks his fingers on your clit one last time before his hand wraps around the base of his cock, giving it a few pumps while his soft lips kiss down your jawline and throat, his face hiding in the crook of his neck. Your arms circle around his shoulders, your chest heaving from the sensation as he positions himself just right, the tip teasing your hole. Harry lifts his head up, his bright eyes finding your gaze just as he sinks into you, filling you up perfectly.

“H-Harry! Fuck—“ you gasp at the feeling, your walls stretching around his thick cock as he stays still for a few moments, letting you adjust to his size.

You draw your legs up, giving you more space to go deeper as he starts thrusting, sliding in and out of you oh so perfectly, inching you closer to your relief with each movement. You cup his face in your hands, staring into his eyes as if you could see his soul in them and for a split second, you feel like you actually do. His lips are parted and the cross pendant is grazing your chest while he fucks into you, never falling out of his rhythm.

You want to beg to him not to stop, to keep moving and moving, but no words can leave your mouth as your back arches, your orgasm building up in the pit of your stomach. You start grinding your hips in sync with his, allowing him to reach deeper into you, making your toes curl from pleasure.

“Harry, I’m gonna—I-I’m gonna—Ah!” You can’t make up one coherent sentence as your legs start shaking, feeling your orgasm taking over your body.

“I know, baby. Let it go. Let me make you feel good,” he pants, his lips kissing you everywhere he can reach, your lips smashing against each other in a messy kiss, your tongue meeting his in the middle just when you reach your high.

You moan and cry out his name, fingers digging into his flesh as you chase your release. Seeing you fall apart underneath him is enough to throw him over the edge, spilling himself into the condom as his mouth hangs agape, your name falling off his tongue as if it was the holiest glorification. Combing your fingers through his hair you hold him to your chest as he collapses on top of you, his head lying on your naked chest as you both try to catch your breath in the sudden silence that came over you without the sounds of your passion.

Rolling off of your body he slips out of you, an empty feeling taking over you right away, but he is quick to cradle you into his arms to keep the intimacy. You lay your head to his chest, a thin layer of sweat covering the both of you, but you couldn’t care less. You listen to his steady heartbeat as you draw one of the swallows on his chest with your finger, running it over the lines of the ink. You want to soak in the moment and stay in it for as long as possible, but you can barely keep your eyes open. As Harry’s fingers are gently running up and down your bare back you let your eyes close and the last thing you remember is hearing his soft whisper.

“Don’t worry, baby. I’ll keep you safe.”

You wake up without an alarm in the morning and it’s the first time for that in a long-long time. You stir and groan before you open your eyes, your hands reaching out next to you, looking for the man that was next to you when you fell asleep, but there’s nothing and no one beside you now.

Panic rises in your chest as your eyes pop open and you frantically look around in the room, hoping to see him somewhere near, but you’re alone.

“Harry?” you call you as you sit up, holding the sheets to your chest since you’re still naked. No answer comes and you can feel your heart rate rising instantly.

Getting out of bed you grab the nearest clothing item you find which is an old hoodie, and you put on a pair of clean panties before you carefully walk out of the bedroom, afraid of what you might find outside, but it’s completely silent and still, no one is around. Harry has left.

“Fuck,” you breathe out, feeling the lump in your throat growing as tears are forming in your eyes.

Where did he go? Why did he leave? Is he coming back? Is he gone forever?

You can’t stop yourself from going into depth you shouldn’t, just because you don’t find him first thing in the morning, but you still haven’t entirely recovered from last night’s events and before you could stop yourself, you are thinking about the worst possibilities there could be.

And then you hear the lock turning in the front door.

Blood rushes out of your head as you freeze, afraid it’s another attacker and this time you won’t be as lucky as you were last night. But as the door opens Harry walks in with a paper bag in his arm and you can’t help, but start sobbing at the sight of him.

“Harry!” you cry out, launching at him and he barely have time to put the bag down before he catches you, locking you in his strong arms.

“Hey! No need to worry, it’s just me!” he soothes softly, his hands running up and down your back and head. “I’m sorry I scared you, just wanted to get you something to eat, baby,” he murmurs, kissing the side of your head as you try your best to hold back your sobs.

“I just woke up alone and I thought…”

“I’m sorry, baby. I shouldn’t have left while you were sleeping. But I’m back and I’m alright.”

You just nod, hugging him a little longer before you loosen your hold around him to lean back and look him in the eyes.

“So… you’re staying? With me?”

“If you want me to, yes,” he nods with a soft smile as he cups your tear-soaked face in his hands. “I’ll keep you safe and sound and I’ll be whatever you need me to be.”

“Just be yourself and… be with me,” you shyly ask him and he nods, his smile growing into a wide grin before he leans down and captures your lips in a sweet, intoxicating kiss.

Thank you for reading, please like and reblog if you enjoyed it!

[riastarthe]

it's like tragic that the overwhelming response to some guy(?)'s bad, shitty video is for all the hot trans posters and their cis friends to laugh and AGREE with the person's claims. "yes lol you are ugly and you must've been doing this whole thing wrong or you'd look like ME 😌" we keep reinventing the idea-- the bullying tactic-- that appearance equals morals and vice versa no matter how wickedly and, truly, in the correct usage of the word, harmful it is.

i don't care about this person in the video. he seems like a piece of shit and so is any detransitioner who makes Detransitioning their Brand and use themselves as a weapon against trans people.

but that's the thing! there are worse things about the claims in that video and communication with other reactionaries which reveal not only a type of radicalisation, it does also speak to (if we're to take them at their word, idk) a seeming lack of access to proper information or proper outlet for regret-- "any trans person would know this"-- so with that, there's even worse things here about the implications of social isolation and the sort of people whose entire brand is about targeting, further sequestering, and indoctrinating isolated persons. i mean sure, this person could be lying, which seems likely since TERFs are ultimately grifters (and, i'm not exactly following this closely.) but regardless of whether or not they believe what they say, we do know this doesn't happen on its own. transphobia/transandrophobia/transmisogyny are not innate, inborn qualities. and it doesn't reflect in a person's appearance! transitioning-- maleness, masculinity, whatever-- doesn't create it! despite what some may say, you CAN transition without community and not wind up a little asshole! and you can transition among fellow trans people and the security this affords can encourage vicious behaviour as much as it can encourage compassion! there's no monolithic "community," at all. there's only the ones we nurture. not everyone has the wherewithal/spoons to be community leaders, either, and people with different needs/abilities deserve security as well.

i've been trans for about 100 years now and i "don't" "look like" "other" trans guys; i also have 100 medical conditions that started either at birth or puberty and were neglected by doctors until very recently. conditions that modify the physical "results" of testosterone, conditions that impact my physical comfort (so i don't bind anymore,) and conditions that just... enhance my proclivities and i can't or don't really want change them. but doctors didn't know about a lot of this so being without information and experiencing unbalanced or inconsistent results of HRT was really upsetting, and i have a different trajectory than other trans people, and who knows if i'd be the same or very different. as far as balding, yeah there's a protocol for that but i can't do it because it brings back my awful period. but i wasn't told that, either. however, i did find other trans men talking about it, only when i learned which words to search for!

paraphrasing one twitter user's reaction, "i dont think he'd've been a cute girl either. some people are just homely." yeah, i don't really expect acceptance or celebration of my life or what i look like in it.

people are Doing Transness in different ways all the time, so saying this is what always happens when you try to transition alone just isn't true. not everyone is enmeshed in helpful communities. i've been asked for help and advice on transitioning only to be dropped when i no longer served that purpose or when my path or description deviated from what someone wanted to hear. this, also, happens.

to be extremely clear: transness is good. non-linear, interrupted, resumed, disabled and mad transness, transness in sources or mediums unrelated to HRT, hairy, hairless, fat transness, non-white and non-"western" transness... there's room. it's good. it can be hard, sure, but wasn't it hard "before" too? or was it instead just passively, mysteriously shitty?

it's much more difficult to find disgruntled, regretful trans people (especially where there's increased and less policed access to affirming care) unless you have a certain particular cause to seek out and weaponise those complaints against now and future trans people. this doesn't (or shouldn't) mean contemplating regret is forbidden-- the opposite actually; there should be as much room for productive, understanding conversations and resources for any fear, confusion, or shame as there is for positivity. medically, trans people are over-analysed and pressured to toe the perfect line of Not Wanting It Too Much and playing the role per medical expectation. so of course as much as we do want it and might even be very happy with ourselves, unrelenting attacks on transness means combating that with inflated positivity. that's not bad, because ultimately it's all true even if we're not fucking... ON!!!!! all the time. who can be?! the only thing these hyper-positive declarations obscure are the quieter, conflicted feelings that are genuinely difficult to untangle, especially publicly-- because the alternative to excitement and gratitude is weaponisation by transphobes and TERFs. it's very fucked up that dangerous people ingratiate themselves and their brand to isolated and invisibled persons.

but just... feeling sad or conflicted about interruptions in your sense of physical continuity? Um, Yeah. trans people understand this, babes.

it's really embarrassing seeing thin/fit, white, able, "properly" hairy or hairless trans people comment on how this is ALWAYS attainable. it isn't! it literally isn't! allowing yourself to be the spokesperson of concerns and groups you don't have and aren't part of is embarrassing! it's dehumanising to expect some kind of profound, objective, universally-recognisable "glow-up" from trans people no matter who that expectation is coming from. and the response to someone saying "i'm ugly, i can't believe this happened, my body's ruined, no one told me about these effects" really shouldn't be "yeah, you really are and you always would/will be!"

i have 0 affinity for the person in that video! i'm not talking about him. faggy bald transsexuals do deserve to hear they're hot because they are. no, it's not part of some gatekept Trans Agenda when this doesn't magically materialise. the gatekeeping is medical only (and we trans people can do very little to sway doctors even within the restrictive bounds doctors designed!!!!!!! we didn't design it.) maybe you're just kind of mean, and/or there are conditions outside of your control that keeps you from community. but also, we do know that in all of society-- including trans society, as subject to cishet society-- that certain features and bodies ARE prioritised. infinitely more bodies ARE shamed and marginalised in almost every sector with devastating consequences. it IS harder to find people who aren't just attracted to non-conventionally beautiful people, but even people who just like... tolerate them (their experiences, their concerns) in their friendgroups. and, of course, much of this outrage and disgust, from all sides, is around what's seen as proper or improper "masculine/masculinised" traits in ALL genders-- ESPECIALLY outside the bounds of social acceptance.

[benevolentbirdgal]

Purim: a Jewish holiday and wild ride from start to finish

So let me tell you about the absolute soap opera that is the Jewish holiday of Purim. The scene is set in ancient (appx. 4th century B.C.E.) Persia during the first Jewish Diaspora, in the city of Shushan (typically identified in secular sources as Susa, a now-abandoned ancient city in what is now Iran). I’m telling you, as a work of literature (even beyond theological implications for Jewish people), this book has everything: love, drama, royalty, intrigue, ego, plots, irony, mystery, and a strong female lead. 

[some non-slur swearing below]

Ahasuerus, party-loving king of Persia executed or exiled (translations argue) his wife Vashti, and had to find a new queen. Why did he do this, you ask? Well, it really starts with an 180-day party across his kingdom for all his subjects to celebrate the third year of his reign. After that absolute rager, party-bro KA has another one immediately after for a week, this time just for the capital city of Shushan. Vashti was having a woman’s party in her quarters, presumably living her best life, when party-bro sends his top seven yes-men to deliver a message to Vashti. This sleaze-ball wants her to appear at his party in front of everyone, wearing her crown, with the clear implication being only her crown. Vashti more or less tells him to pound sand (I mean, not the literal translation, but that’s the sentiment). 

KA’s advisors convince him that this is not only an offense against the king but also against all the men in the country (ah, the joys of ancient patriarchy and toxic af masculinity). KA writes a degree that women must respect their husbands so he has an official reason to get rid of Vashti. Vashti is soon thereafter out of the picture and the king is short a queen. Whether she was a Wise Lady With A Point Who Got Screwed Over or a Vicious Jew-Hating Adulteress Who Had It Coming has been a matter of furious debate for over two millennia (the Babylonian Talmud and the Jerusalem Talmud vociferously disagree on her). In any case, KA regrets it pretty quick and wants a new queen. 

At the behest of his advisors (you know, since their last advice worked out soooooo well), KA had a big contest/forcible gathering of young women from around his kingdom and a Jewish woman, Hadassah, was the winner.  Hadassah was an orphan raised by her cousin Mordechai in the city of Shushan. Hadassah is more commonly known as Esther, because she changed her name to hide her identity as a Jew (at the behest of Mordechai). In any case, KA decided he liked Esther best and she became queen (it’s specifically mentioned both that he loved her most and that the palace staff liked her because she was nice to them-it’s unclear how much of an influence the latter was). 

Concurrently, a wicked man named Haman was the top advisor to the king and the king would basically rubber-stamp whatever Haman wanted. Haman was a raging Jew-hater-this will be relevant later. 

Some time into Esther’s reign as queen, Mordechai, who has taken to hanging around the gates of the palace to keep in touch with Esther, overhears a plot by two guards, Bigthan and Teresh, to kill the king. Mordechai alerts his cousin, and she tells the king. It’s recorded in the book of deeds and life keeps moving. 

Some time later, Haman decides (after a promotion to head lackey) that he wants all to bow to him as he passes. Mordechai refused to bow to Haman every single day (citing that as a Jew he bowed to no man), and that did not sit well with Haman. So despite being prime minister and presumably having more important things to do, “genocide the Jews” made it to the top of to-do list. He didn’t like them before, and Mordechai refusing to treat him like a special snowflake was something he took really, really personally (totally can’t think of any modern politicians like that, nope). He told KA, who frankly doesn’t seem to ask enough questions, that there was a people disrespecting the king and his laws throughout the land, and could he pretty-please exterminate them. As a bonus, Haman would “donate” 10,000 silver kikar to the royal treasury (modern conversion vary, but all agree this an absurd amount on money). 

KA handed him the royal seal to do so. Haman was feeling lucky I guess so he decided the best course of action was to draw lots to pick the day for the massacre. [Purim is lots in Hebrew, so that’s where the name of the holiday came from]. The message went out to all the provinces that on the thirteenth day of the twelfth month, that they citizens and leaders should murder all of the Jews, young and old, man, woman, and child, rich and poor and take their possessions as spoils. 

As this wasn’t exactly a state secret, the Jews knew and were quite distressed. The planned slaughter was like a year out, but what the actual fuck were they supposed to do? If you lived in Persia at that point that, the empire was functionally your entire world, unless you were fabulously/ridiculously wealthy and well-connected. Having several months notice the other locals and your rules were going to slaughter you and take your stuff isn’t particularly useful when there’s really nowhere to go. 

In Shushan, Mordechai (who, although not explicitly in text, is in oral/Talmudic tradition a leader of the Jewish community) goes into mourning. He dresses in sackcloth and ashes, he weeps, and he fasts at the gates of the palace, as Jews throughout shushan and the kingdom are doing. Esther hears of her cousin’s mourning behavior and tries to send along nice clothes through a messenger, which he refuses. It is then that she learns of the decree. Mordechai (through the messenger) implores her to go ask the king if the Jews not getting murdered could be a thing. Esther explains that she could be killed for approaching the king unsummoned. Mordechai stresses the severity of the situation. Esther agrees to ask the king and tells Mordechai to have the Shushan Jewish community fast day and night (as opposed to just day as prior) for three days, and she and her handmaidens will fast too (no word on what the handmaidens thought of this).

On the third day, Esther bravely approached the king, asked him if she could request something. He said anything, up to half his kingdom (which implies to me that homedude, for all his flaws, was actually into her). Esther invited him to a party, where he and Haman would be the only guests. At the party she asks if she can another request. KA is open to it and she invites him to another party the next night. Party-bro king is obviously down and Haman is tickled to death at this second invitation. 

He goes home to brag to his wife, Zeresh, about the invite and also to bitch about how angsty he is Mordechai is still alive (this angst reignited by passing him on the way home). Zeresh suggests he have fifty-foot gallows built to make Mordechai an example on, with the king’s permission, ASAP. Haman orders the building of the gallows, feeling secure in the knowledge that his bestie the king will execute Mordechai on them. 

Back at the castle KA can’t sleep. He demands a bedtime story from the his records, because those will presumably put him to sleep. The story that gets read, ~coincidentally~, is of Mordechai saving KA’s life. Haman had sidled on up to the castle to speak to the king about killing Mordechai, and the king called him in. KA asks Haman, if he were to honor someone, what should he do? Haman is thinking “this is obvi about me” and tells the king that the honoree should be donned in royal clothing, and ride through the streets on a fancy horse with people someone shouting how great he is. KA is like great, love it, perf, go do that for Mordechai. Haman is not a happy camper but does the thing. After that, he goes home and tells Zeresh about it, who warns him that this is a very bad sign. 

Finally, that night is the night of Esther’s second soiree. Haman and KA attend. The latter offers to Esther anything she wants, up to half of his kingdom. Esther asks that her life, and the life of her people be spared. KA is like “whomst” and Esther revealed it was Haman. At this point Ahasuerus.exe stops working and he takes a walk to the gardens. He comes back to see Haman begging Esther for his life, and KA thinks Haman is assaulting her. Haman was seized by nearby guards.

One of the chamberlains is then like, hey, KA, coincidentally there’s these super high gallows Haman just had built. Why not take care of the problem that way? (The fact that the random nearby chamberlain was like yup, that dude, hang ‘em in the morning, probably says a lot about how Haman treated most people around him, even more than forcing all to bow to him). KA orders it be done. 

Not that Haman was around to be sad about it, but what happened next would have massively pissed him off, as his old job then went to Mordechai. Esther then implored of the king that the degree to allow the massacre of the Jews be reversed. The king couldn’t Cntrl+Z the order to murder-all-the-Jews, but he could issue an order that they could fight back. The proclamation was sent throughout the land, and the Jews were able to prepare. Since the royal decree had been amended, the governments (princes, governors, satraps) largely reformulated their plans accordingly, but plenty of Jew-haters still wanted to use the opportunity. The ability to self-defend meant that the communities weren’t massacred. In most of the kingdom, the Jews were now safe. Outside of Shushan, the fourteenth of Adar became a feast day. 

Shushan was still not safe though. Antisemites were still out and mad (and apparently had not learned from the previous day), so Esther asked the Jews of Shushan to be allowed to defend themselves once more. Her wish was granted, and the Shushan Jews were able to defend themselves once more (so Purim is celebrated a day later in walled cities). 

The story ends with the decision to write it down, and although there some debate on authorship, it is traditionally attributed to Esther herself cowriting with Mordechai. 

Nowhere in the book is God mentioned. Nowhere is there divine intervention (at least not explicitly). Just Jews sticking up for themselves, being brave in the face of mortal peril, and a metric fucktown of chutzpah. 

[ace-of-sspades]

Trans masc tips.

just because I’ve been researching and figuring a lot out and I wanted to share.

Disclaimer for this whole thing. You’re identity is valid regardless of how you present and really masculine and feminine things don’t even exists. Gender is a social construct. But here are tips to present more traditionally masculine, at least in my experience and for my body. Also I am non-binary so I don’t really try to pass as a man, just as not a girl, and I am 17 and not out to my family so I’m sure that will effect my advice.

Clothing

- Cloths that are tight around your arms/wrists or ankles at the cuff. It makes your limbs look bigger. Like sinched pants or rolling your sleeves.

- In general stuff that’s tight on the shoulders and baggy around your waist

- Tucking your shirt in can help make your figure look more square

- Darker shirts are sliming and help eliminate any shadow from your chest. Also they hide binders better

- Baggy pants, especially around the thighs. Try to avoid skinny jeans.

- In general layers!! And things with high collars.

- Wearing stuff across your brow line!!!!! Like a hat worn flat across your forehead or a bandana. It makes your face look more angular. This is a saving grace.

Make up

- Okay I know it sounds counter intuitive but it can really help. I suck at make up and these things have helped me so you don’t have to know what your doing. Also you can use a bronzer a darker foundation or even brown eyeshadow, all of it works.

- Contour your jaw!!! It’s barely every noticeable even if you use a lot of contour and it makes your jaw look so much sharper. If you have a butt chin even slightly, adding some there helps a lot, and at the corners of your jaw under your ears.

- Okay so these next tips take more subtlety. But contour your nose, just along the sides and under the tip. It helps give your face depth.

- Also put some in the crease of your eye near your nose, just a little because too much here will look like eyeshadow.

- You can also do your cheek bones and your temple but be careful because if you put too much it’s very noticeable.

- I have thick and dark eyebrows already so I don’t usually do anything to them but mascara does make them look thicker. I recommend using clear mascara or sometimes I’ll rub my black mascara on my arm to get the majority off and then use it on my eyebrows just to give them more volume. It can be tricky to do this without making it obvious. Also putting some darker eyeshadow over them can fill in any gaps and make them look thicker.

Voice

- This is tricky but sometimes I get dysphoria over having a too feminine voice, I really want an androgynous voice and here’s how I’ve at least made myself feel better about it. Idk if anyone else can tell a difference but still.

- I know nothing about singing or pitch or whatever but,,, singing in the car to songs with male vocalists really helps. It’s not even about harmonizing, and I suck at singing but even just talking the words helps. Plus if you feel weird practicing alone in your room or while you talk to someone this is a perfect fix because odds are you already sing when your alone in your car and no one will hear you.

- The most important thing is try to emulate the quality of the vocalists voice. Like say the words the way they do, over time this gives you more control over what your voice sounds like. A lot of male voices echo more or are heavier sounding and this is a way to get your voice to do that.

- Try to lower your voice if you can, it can help to say ahhh and then go deeper and try to speak at that level. But don’t try to lower your voice and scream because it h u r t s.

- Also trying your best to sit up straight and take a deep breath before you speak helps quite a bit.

- Your vocal cords are muscles, so the more you practice the easier it’ll be to control the quality and depth of your voice.

- Finally, don’t damage your voice to make it sound more masculine. I’ve done it before, I’d yell really loud to a song and be happy when my voice is horse after but it does damage your vocal cords so try not to.

Body language

- Take. Up. Space!!! Sit with your legs wider and your shoulders back. If you cross your legs do it with one shin over the other thigh not at the ankles.

- Walk in two lines not one. Like try not to put one foot directly in front of the other when you walk. Also your best to keep your shoulders and hips straight and even.

- Standing try to keep your weight even don’t lean on one foot.

- Keep your hand movements deliberate and try not to fidget.

- Also real quick, work out tips. Focus on your shoulders and arm!!! Tricep, pecs, lats, deltoids, biceps. Adding as much mass to these as possible will help immensely. Also working forearms will help make your veins more prominent.

Hair

- If you can’t cut it short that’s okay!! Tying it back in a messy low bun helps a lot. Before I cut my hair I did this all the time and I felt like hozier

- Also curtain bangs! If you’re closeted they still are perceived as totally feminine. But if you wear a beanie or a hood they give you the appearance of short hair.

- If you can cut your hair, try not to fall into the trap of “I must shave my head”. Some people can totally pull it off and obviously if you’ve always wanted too go for it! But it might not help you pass. Short hair exposes your jaw line a lot more. And AFAB jaws are normally a lot softer than AMAB jaws. I recommend cutting your hair in stages, just to see what looks best.

- Jaw length or mid ear length works as masculine too! And it can help add depth to your face. I have a pretty soft jaw and my hair currently looks kinda like JD from Heathers and it works pretty well.

- Hair is honestly very tricky and there’s really no way to get a completely masc hair cut. But in general longer on the top and shorter on the sides works well.

- Honestly my biggest tip for teenage trans masc folks is to find a hair dresser/barber that doesn’t cut your hair to look feminine. Like the family hairdresser you’ve been going too since you were 5? They definitely have an idea of what you should look like and will add their own touch. And if you’re not out to your parents it’s hard to come out to a family hairdresser. My recommendation is do some research and find a place nearby that cuts men and women’s hair, that way you don’t have to worry about passing enough to get into an only men’s barbershop, but they’ll still know how to cut men’s hair. Either way definitely go to someone new, and if you can ask specifically for a men’s hair cut.

Anyway there’s my tips. Feel free to add, and sorry this is kinda a long post lol. I’ve been compiling this for months and I hope it can help someone.

[bi-sapphics]

yeah i am also a lot more in the sapphic side but like this is my exception, im not even sure if i can't "shoot my shot" but if so it'll have to wait and... idk i still feel like people might think i am just faking butchness and sapphism or whatever i don't even look like an average butch but people can def sense my masculinity and ... one of the things that i like abt him is that he does get these gender feels ???? i might've gotten too emotional sending my original ask, anyways, ur blog has always made me feel safer as a butch who IDs as sapphic as a mess specific term, i always feel more welcome in bi-er butch blogs like not just "butch is open!!!" type of people, the "bi butches i love you" blogs

what i can tell you for sure is that butch is inherently an identity, not just a role in relationships. for some it's solely the former, for some it's more the latter, and for some it's mixed and/or inextricable. i think for you, it would help yourself to say your butchness revolves around the former. in fact, maintaining that being butch is your *identity* is something most lesbians will agree with and build their foundation of understanding the subculture on, whether they acknowledge the rest of its expanded community history or not. this alone solidifies bisexuals being included in the queerness of taking on butch/femme among the rest of the arguments, especially if we're basing this on relationship status and who we're dating at the time (or plan on dating). besides, if you're masculine and "qualify" otherwise anyway then the shoe fits. assuming this is going on irl then nobody's really going to give you any shit for it unless you just hang around nit-picky biphobic people who love to hate randomly. it simply doesn't matter in the long run and nobody's going to care at the end of the day. the term doesn't "belong" to anyone and is also used to describe appearance regarding some straight women in non-queer spaces. that's just how everyday language works, it isn't used wrong in any way if you look at the bigger picture.

that being said, a lot of butch/femme focused lesbians don't understand this, nor do they care to. this results in backlash and gatekeeping, the degree of which varies from how mean people want to be online (and there are much more than plenty of nasty ones). worrying about that is perfectly understandable; even i suffer from anxiety over it. i can't exactly help you through totally getting through this, as again, it's complex and i feel like my offer would be too vague and generic. but i can emphasize that you should definitely keep doing what you said about feeling more welcome in bi-positive blogs specifically that mention and talk about the importance of including us. this, and blocking ahistorical biphobes while refusing to engage with them. if your content feed is full of bisexuals being unapologetic for taking up space, that should build your confidence overtime. i know i've come a long way, from finding community to knowing i can rely on what i have to support myself. i realize that i don't have to justify myself if i don't want to, even though i do anyway in order to protect and educate as best i can. that's my choice, but it shouldn't be a requirement for everyone else (hence why i wish to spread the right information myself).

i still can't give you good advice on the guy you like (not to mention that it'd be better far more more productive if it were personally tailored to your relationship with him), but i hope this gives you just a little comfort for interacting with spaces online. no one has the right to deny or erase your identity because of who you're with, which goes both for your butchness and your bisexuality. you can't stop them from doing so, but you don't have to give them what they want or pay them any attention either.

[jojosbizarreblog]

Hey hey hey!! I really like all of his posts, you write very well ^^ I came to asking for Bucci Gang headcanons with a s/o genderfluid, how they would react and treat they and stuff. I don't know if I'm being too vague, but anything can say 👉👈

(Thanks for the kind compliments, Anon! X) )

(Btw, I’ve never written a genderfluid person before, so if you see something incorrect or offensive, please tell me and I will fix it!)

Bucci gang and a genderfluid s/o

Bruno

When first made aware of the fact that you were genderfluid, he asked you if you had any preferred pronouns and how he should address you as in front of strangers.

At the beginning when you two started dating, Bruno was unsure of your gender fluctuations but after a bit, he picked up on the little bits of details.

That allowed him to plan dates and events for when you two would be able to go out.

He calls you a lot of long-winded “affectionate” nicknames.

Along with the common “tesoro”, he likes to call you his ocean. Bruno also has a bunch of weird phrases tucked away somewhere.

“You are like the brine to my pickle” or something idk. This is a man that compared floppy bones to a condom so...

Will sternly tell off people if they disrespect you and will lead you away from them if they continue.

If dysphoria ever hits you, he’ll be there reassuring you and helping you through it.

He cooks nutritious meals and makes sure you drink plenty of water. Bruno also reminds you to bind/tuck safely and to let him know if something is wrong.

Abbacchio

He doesn’t mind what gender you are, he’s more concerned about WHO you are.

And you’ve got to be a pretty good person to earn his trust and become his partner.

When you two begin to date, it doesn’t take much for Abbacchio to notice the small shifts in your genders, and 9/10 times, he uses the correct pronoun for you. Over time, it becomes like a science to him and missed pronouns became a rarity.

Abbacchio’s there by your side on bad days, offering his silent support like what he would have wanted on his bad days. Weird as this may sound, he knows exactly the right words and things to do to help you keep your mind away from your worries.

Not afraid to defend you if someone talks smack about you. He’s ready to throw hands.

He offers makeup advice if you ever want to appear more masculine, feminine, or androgynous. Dude’s pretty good at it but he'll only ever share his secrets with you.

Fugo

Fugo’s smart, so he’ll know what genderfluid means. He’s openminded and he’ll accept you for who you are, without a doubt.

He does his best to pick up your changes so he does accidentally misgender you.

Much like Abbacchio, Fugo takes no shit from people disrespecting you. He’ll sternly correct them, but if they continue and start to talk bad, he’ll fly into a rage.

If you’re going through some sort of dysphoria, he’ll be here to lend an ear.

Fugo kind of understands what it feels like to be uncomfortable in your own body. He hated himself so strongly after that incident.

But he knows it’s nothing compared to what you go through so he does his best to try to make you feel better and distraction you from the bad thoughts. 

Narancia

Narancia gives you full support and endless enthusiasm from the start.

He’s curious, so of course there are bound to be questions, but he doesn’t want to upset you or seem too intrusive.

It’s a little bit awkward in addressing you at first for fear of disrespecting you, but eventually he gets the hang of it so it’s smooth sailing from there.

Due to his looks, people mistake him as a girl all the time and he doesn’t mind it. But if someone address you wrong he’ll correct them.

If they continue, he’ll break out the knife. Nothing like some cold, hard, steel to make someone change their ways.

You can go shopping with him, but the end results are going to be tight pants, strappy tops, and whatever kilt/skirt situation he has going on (if you’re fine with wearing it).

Will gift you headbands. 

“Here you go (Y/n)! It’ll look nice on you”

Mista

Mista says genderfluid rights. He doesn’t mind what gender you are, as long as you are a good person who doesn’t bring fours into the equation.

The Sex Pistols will ask you questions and Mista will start scolding them if he fears that they’re annoying you.

Please educate them. They mean well.

Clothes shopping with Mista is only good for the cold weather. Have you seen what that man wears?

But he does know places with quality sweaters and beanies. He’ll share his clothes with you too (but you better make sure that they’ve been washed.)

Sometimes when you two are in private, he pulls his (clean) hat over your head.

“Looking good, babe!”

Giorno

Giorno loves you in your entirety. The first thing he does is to let you know that he is by your side unconditionally and that nothing will change that.

Even though he doesn’t know how to display affection towards another person, he tries his best with other things.

Likes to flatter you with various flowers and likes to leave them around the apartment for you.

One time Golden Experience presented you with a bouquet of flowers that matched that of the pride flag.

Can do your hair for you if you want to, aside from his hair, he can do various up-dos and braids.

After he becomes don, nobody dares to disrespect you, for fear of incurring his wrath upon them.

But if someone does end up hurting you, they’ll face his wrath. He’s a kind don, but he will not allow people to disrespect his lover like that.

[varcn]

   in defense to varon: a long rant about dub vs. sub.

    i want to start this post by saying that throughout my time with varon as a muse ( over five or so years ago ), i’ve seen hate towards his character & a lot of it, are issues with the dub or issues that could be explained ( not justified ) by learning about his background ( which was omitted pretty much in the dub ). so, with this post, i want to address some of those issues ( which i also share ) & explain why i lean towards the sub.

     one of the major critiques i’ve seen about his character, is his entitlement to mai & i agree, but let me just say that this was mainly a problem in the dub.

   i will go on a bit of a tangent & say that yes, doma had many issues & many ‘ooc’ moments. there’s been a lot of frustration towards mai’s character regression, & while i understand that as an audience, it might be frustrating or disappointing, i like to see it through a more ‘realistic’ perspective. mai suffered a lot because of yami malik. she was shown with trauma ( possible ptsd or depression ), so to me, the fact that she went back to her old ways when she was alone isn’t entirely unrealistic. what i had a problem with, was how yugi & co. decided to react to this, completely dismissing her feelings & blaming it entirely on the orichalcos brainwashing her, which... yes & no. the orichalcos made her want to defeat jou because she wanted to move on, as it was clear that him not being there + envy had caused resentment towards him & the group. however, the resentment was already there. mai felt abandoned, left behind, etc. she wanted to be saved even though she wasn’t reaching out or saying she needed the help. emotions aren’t always rational, so even if she knew that they wouldn’t know unless she said something, that didn’t stop her from feeling some type of way towards them.

    valon is no different in the dub.

   first meeting / flashback

     when they meet, he makes promises of power & how he could grant her that. he always portrayed himself as mai’s saviour or knight in shining armour. he was entitled to her from the beginning because she ‘owed’ it to him. to me, it felt as if the dub was trying to mirror jou by dumbing him down ( jou is also dumbed down ), & make it seems like ‘look, they’re the same, just good vs bad! ). in the sub, however, i see it more as ‘varon is what jou could’ve become, had he not found yugi & co’.

     in the sub, mai breaks down because she’s alone, hurt & ‘needs to be saved’, because nothing she does ever feels as enough. varon starts by telling her that she’s a strong woman, despite losing to him & collapsing to her knees. he called her strong because she’s still trying, & doesn’t make her promises about giving her power, like in the dub. instead, he tells her ( perhaps a bit harsh, but true ) that no one will save her ( oh, the irony ) & that she needs to save herself. this alone, is a comment he makes from experience & shows how varon sees things. it’s him vs the world. he can’t rely on anyone else, & even shows some anger towards rafael when he tries to help.

    he’s a loner, like mai, & while what he said isn’t the best advice, it’s all he knows. in the end, he disproved his own advice because he saw how blinded mai was & the risks she was taking as consequence of it. he saw that no, she couldn’t do things alone in the state she was & he wanted her to rely on him.

    * this is also the first instance of varon showing any care / concern towards someone, as later on, he even tells mai he’s willing to go against doma / dartz for her sake. take that as you will.

       valon, the ‘r/niceguy’.

     another scene that comes to mind, it’s the conversation that they have in the desert. in the dub, valon goes on about how he can make things better for her, & when she tells him ‘i don’t like you’, he responds in a condescending tone about how he knows how she feels towards him. one of his main issues towards jou, both in dub & sub ( thought the sub emphasizes more on it ) is how dismissive him & the others are of mai’s feelings. the dub just shows how much of a hypocrite he is because he does just that. he tells her how she feels, despite being vulnerable. i’ve watched this scene in spanish & english & while the dialogue is pretty much the same, the only difference is that in the spanish version, he sounds more soft-spoken & ‘casual’. i guess the bad cockey accent didn’t help.

     as for the sub, varon tells mai how she feels, but not in the way that the dub portrays. i think we could elude the fact that between episodes, & even before the entire season, there has been interaction between mai & varon. at least, enough for varon to know about her resentment to jou & see some of mai’s pain. he describes how she’s been living her life based on his own experience, because he sees a lot of himself in her.

    varon tells her that he is just like that. that he can’t live if he can’t win, just like her. it doesn’t come off as him dictating how she feels or making assumptions, but rather, it’s coming from a place of understanding.

     & this is the scene where the confession comes up. i guess, the dub wanted to have this love triangle without saying it was a love triangle ( which i always found weird that they wanted to allude to this, considering the amount of censorship. somehow, it was okay for mai to be interested in a teenager? ).  it only goes as far as ‘i know you feel the same way i do’, & left for interpretation. the sub doesn’t do that. varon is always straight-forward with what he says & doesn’t shy away from it. sure, it’s not the most healthy for him to make her his reason of living, but keep in mind that he didn’t have the healthiest of upbringings, either. there’s a lot of things that he needs to learn & overcome before getting into a relationship. especially if it’s with someone who has unresolved issues, as well.

    he tells her to ‘be his woman’ ( & whether you want to take that as a display of toxic masculinity or him awkwardly asking her out in a way that doesn’t seem to ‘vulnerable’, it’s up to you ). mai merely responds with ‘you have to defeat me first’, only for him to remind her that he has.

    nyeh? nyeh

     another thing that the dub loves to do, is dumbing down characters, & varon wasn’t the exception. it was clear that they wanted someone like jou & in the process, they took a lot of those serious / deep moments that varon displayed in the sub. their duel further proves that by having them both wear armour & i will leave it at that because that whole thing gets me so mad lmao. it turns into a duel of ‘i know what’s best for mai despite what she says or thinks’ & even the abridged called it out, because varon came from a place of ‘i’m doing this to help her’ rather than ‘i know what’s best for her’.

 thank you 4kids for your censorship!

      something you can’t just omit when considering varon’s character, is the way he grew up. the dub literally took about 90% of it & had him seeming almost proud / reminiscent about his time in jail. that’s it. we see him go to an island, win against a bunch of grown-ups & join doma. then what???

     now, if one thats the sub backstory in consideration, the way that he acts towards mai isn’t all that strange. in fact, i’d say it explains it. varon had nothing. he grew up an orphan, & a violent one, at that. the only person he appears close to / someone he cares about, is the nun that raised him. she tended to his wounds despite disappointing her & getting into fights even though she had told him to stop. this was someone who hadn’t given up despite him failing her over & over. this was someone he was willing to kill for, if it meant protecting her, & he possibly did. after the church was burnt down, he sought for the men he thought were responsible for it & attacked them with a metal pipe.

   he was just a kid. possibly a pre-teen against four grown ass men. it’s unclear whether he killed them or not, but the fact that varon is shown in prison, with adults, leads me to think that he was processed as one due to the degree of the crime. even then, he was still violent & forced into solitary confinement + a straight jacket for who knows how long. & let’s keep in mind that his only way out, was by defeating a bunch of dudes ( basically killing them with the orichalcos ). unlike amelda or rafael, doma wasn’t an escape from his life. it was his freedom.

      the guy had nothing & expected nothing. he lived each day as it was, reason why he appears to be so carefree about things. & despite his similarities with jou, let me just say that they’re still not the same. even if jounouchi went through his share of trauma, their experiences were different. the way jou sees or reacts to something, won’t be the way that varon will react to it, & i feel that’s something a lot of people don’t consider.

    i think it’s commemorable that despite everything, varon still manages to care for someone as much as he does with mai. he didn’t fight jou to ‘win her over’, he fought him so that he wasn’t setting her back. the dub has valon almost ‘handing her’ to jou after losing, which completely missed the point of that whole duel. because in the sub, varon realizes he may be doing more harm than good & experiences that ‘thrill’ that he had been searching for. he comes to understand mai better, & the fact that he can help her without having to be her saviour.

    he trusts jou will bring her to her senses, but also trusts that she will do it, because let me remind you that even in during her ‘weakest moment’, he saw her as a strong woman.

[c-atm]

Connie Maheswaran sighed...She knew this was a bad idea, but no one else was around, and the best friend/ bane of her existence/ big crush/ betrothed had an eye for these things, so his expertise was appreciated.

"So." Steven Universe, gem hybrid, alien prince, sweetheart, and hero to many, started with a grin. Placing his hand on the curve of her back." How skimpy of a bikini are we getting, huh?

She growled dangerously as she felt his hand crept lower." Stop it, you pervert."

Steven just smirked as he lifted his hand back up. That lecherous fox smirk that he only showed her.

"I promise that my intentions are as 'pure' as the lily-white of your clothes." 

Connie arched an eyebrow looking at her yellow polo, black denim shorts, and orange kicks. "What white are you talking about?" She implored.

The alien royalty squeezed the college sophomore bottom. "The thin warm cloth underneath." He whispered into her ear, making her fume with annoyance, bashfulness, and made just a wee bit of an exciting impression… Despite her pouting with puffed blush crossed cheeks and steady brows.

"How the hell do you know?" She questioned, grabbing his wrist and clenched tightly, making the 'big gem on campus' fall to his knees in slight pain.

"Ow, ow, ow! I promise I didn't peek at you while you were getting dressed today."

"But you did peek at me." She arched an eyebrow.

"On accident." He pleaded, " We both know I would never peep on you."

"Now, Steven..."

"Not without an escape route."

Connie took a moment to consider it, but in the end, she decided he was right.

Steven always had a damn way to run away. Not like when they were teens, and she would easily catch and punish him for his transgressions against all womankind. However, they were more innocent, like giving her (not-so unwanted) pecks on her cheek or complimenting her physical growth.

It was the reason her betrothed became her bane before becoming her friend and crush.

Though his actions couldn't be helped, it was ingrained in him. The gem race was very liberated when it came to physical appeal, appreciation, and affection and saw all forms as beautiful. From the first (of what would become semi-normal) time she visited his home planet, it quickly became apparent to her that kissing, touching, and 'raunchy' commentary was commonplace among Homeworld. A lot of sensual and carnal PDA was everyday stuff for gem kind. 

All except fornication in all its forms. 

That was considered divine as gem fusion but way less lax—the ultimate show of reverence for one's unique being. Even stories of one’s actual sexploits were to be kept between partners, no matter how many there were; neither monogamy nor polygamy took precedence on Homeworld.

She let his wrist go with an unamused hum, opting to hold his hand to keep it from wandering.

”Let’s go, my perv.” Connie sighed as she led him further into the store, towards the dressing rooms. She was nearly closing the door behind her as she entered, turning and facing him, hiding with the plywood entrance. "So, against my better judgment, I'm gonna go into the dressing room and wait for you to bring me back some swimwear," Connie informed, blushing. "I need you to take this seriously, ok? No games at all." She muttered.

Steven gasped, placing three fingers on his chest as if he was an offended southern Bellé. "Why madam, I do declare that I will be at my most critical. After all…" He caressed her cheek with a smirk on his face, "the chance to decorate you in my taste doesn't come along often." He grinned as he interlaced his fingers together. "I can see you now in...Hehehe! Oh yes..."

Looking at his bottom lip gnawing, nearly crossed eye blushing expression of perverse elation, Connie almost regrets asking for his advice and help but, there is a reason for that. "Can you not imagine whatever you are imagining and help me?"

He looked up at her pouting profile and smirked lovingly before kissing her forehead. "You're more tempting than anything I can imagine." 

She took a deep breath, rubbing the back of her left calf with her right foot, and idiosyncratic behavior towards surprising affection and praise.

"⁵Just...Stay away from the skimpy swimsuit from earlier."  She warned, burned cheeked as she closed the door behind her, "Himbo hubby."  rubbing her forehead, where the warm sensation of his lips lingered, she grinned. The feeling of pride In her chest.

"Ok... Let's get to business."

Three minutes later, Connie was stripped of her clothing and her pride as she looked at her reflection. Bare to her body and her insecurities. She didn't feel Charming? Girlish? Soft? Cute?

She was never called cute or adorable. No... Words that described her was strong, tall, mature, robust, and built, which was right.

She was six ft by the time she was 16 (she's 6'6 now), always been athletic; being an army brat on an army base until she was 12, strenuous exercise was more than just a habit; it was a lifestyle. Combined with tennis and martial arts, it was easy to understand why her body was built and cut as it was. She had 'mercenaries muscles.' A body made for battle, yet she was 'blessed' with the curvy hips and noticeable bust of her mother's bloodline.

The thing is, she didn't hate her body. She just wasn't privy to the attention she got from it. Most guys were intimidated.

Most girls…' intrigued' to say the least, and then there were some who 'swore' she was 'transitional.' People she affectionately referred to as transphobic bastards.

One cause she was born, lives and will die biologically and mentally as a woman, no matter how 'masculine' she supposedly acts; and more importantly, being trans isn't wrong.

"The scars don't really help either." She mused as she scanned her nude form little scars from her active lifestyle on her stomach.

"I think they give you character, Berry." Steven voiced from behind the door, surprising her enough for her to jump.

"The hell?! How did you get done so fast?!" She nearly shrieked as she turned to the door...Which now had a few swimsuits hang on the knob, " Steven...Did you peek at me?" 

She was greeted by silence.

"Accidentally," 

She gave a slightly exaggerated sigh at his guilty tone to hide the smile on her face. "Really? You don't wanna see me in the buff?"

She could already see the thousand-watt smile on his face.

"Wait, are you saying I can?"

She had to bite her tongue from laughing at his eagerness, "No, sit and wait." She scoffed out a chuckle when she heard him moan, downtrodden. Taking a look at the group of bathing suits in the knob, she went to see which one she definitely will not wear.

----------------

Steven sat in the pink chair in front of the dressing rooms, legs and arms crossed as he waited for his beauty of a betrothed model for him. He knew she wasn't crazy about her appearance, but he couldn't get enough of it.

The fact Connie tower's him by a whole nine inches. Her 'jacked,' pear-shaped body with its hypnotic curves, especially around her bust, hips, thighs, and butt. Blazing deep-set onyx eyes with thick brows, thin cupid bow lips, her slightly narrowed and flat nose, and loose raven hair in a half-braided ponytail that reached her broad shoulders. An amazing amazon made real. 

Of course, her physique was only part of why he was smitten to what humans would call near 'perverse' moments, strange since earthling takes sex for granted, to the point of making multiple websites about it for profit. 

Planetary cultural differences aside, Connie's physicality was just a complementary mirror to her character. Strong, bold, unique, and mesmerizing. No wonder why Connie steals every room she walks in when she wants to or not. He couldn't help but snicker tenderly at the thought of her before tenderness gave a slight way to hunger at the thought of her in a swimsuit.

"Steven...Can you come here?" 

The hybrid looked with a bit of concern and curiosity at the brown hand waving and shy voice coming from the dressing room.

"Hmm?" He stood and walked to took the gold sprayed knob of the plywood in his hand.

"With your eyes close!"

That made his eyes widen, but he followed her request, closing his pink eyes before entering and closing the door behind him. "You ok, Ni'?"

"I...I need you to promise to be honest with me."

"What are you talking about?"

"Just promise. ok?"

"Hmm...I'm opening my eyes."

"Wait. I'm not.."

"...HMM..."

Connie looked towards him in shy withdrawal, holding her left arm, and biting her lip adorned in a blue bikini. The top looked like a cage neck crop top that clipped in the back, and the bottoms were high-waisted with an extra band that crossed around her navel. It was sexy, to say the least, accentuating off all her curves and prominent muscle, flattering her breast, thighs, hips, and butt, without showing too much; it was made for her.

"Well?" She asked, looking at his stare but getting no answer, feeling her cheeks heat in marooned embarrassment. "Is it that bad?"

"Adorable."

Connie's eyes widened, "A-Adorable?" She pursued her lips, looking down at herself. She wasn't used to being called that. 

"Yeah... I mean, yeah, it looks sexy..but it really brings out your softer, sensual charms."

"I...I.." her nose flared as she fought the bubbling feeling in her chest. " You're... You’re not just saying that, right?" She rubbed her left calf with her right ankle.

"I wouldn't lie about this." Steven raised his right hand in a promise.

She crossed her arms, her mouth in a side pout," So...I'm cute in this, then?"

"Are you fishing for compliments?" Steven teased, getting a raised brow look of astonishment from his betrothed

" I..No!" She crossed her arms below her chest, looking away, pouting with puffed blush crossed cheeks and steady brows.  

 Before turning towards the hybrid, just as she was about to attempt to make her point, she was caught off guard by his hand gently but securely grabbing her chin and leading her to move her face up close to his, their nose tips gingerly touching.

It wasn't the first time he did this, and it always made her feel a bit meek. Never unpleasantly, though.

"You're always cute."

The feel of his warm lips sandwiching her top lip with popping clips was new.

New but welcomed. 

[qualidude]

Hi!! I was wondering if I could talk to you abt something bc i sometimes see ppl reaching out to you but it's ok if you don't want to or if something I say is wrong or inappropriate just ignore it. but like i always had some issues w/ my body bc im afab but some older ppl in my family usually say I don't have big enough breasts or say the way I dress and am isn't very feminine and even though I think I always rejected things that are perceived as too feminine I still internalized a lot of feeling wrong about my body/ the way i am and then when I was a teen I realized I was a lesbian and i thought "oh that's it, there's that". But since then (I'm 23 now) ive been learning and realizing stuff about gender and how i feel about everything and i started feeling like i don't wanna really get put in this woman box my family taught me and "everyone" expects but im not uncomfortable with my pronouns and i also had a moment when a person questioned me about transitioning unprompted and i felt uncomfortable bc i don't wanna be perceived as a guy. And here on tumblr I learned about non binarity and stuff which makes sense to me bc i started looking at myself and instead of going like "ok I'm a woman" i just try to see myself for myself and it makes so much more sense? but i also feel somewhat wrong like I'm being disrespectful or lying bc i actually prefer using she/her and i don't really wanna ~come out to most the ppl in my life about this. And i don't care being called a girl or a boy (in my first language most words are gendered so I don't care too if someone refers to me with a masculine gendered word, depending on the tone and who says it I guess). And also i realized I don't wanna reject all feminine stuff I just don't wanna be viewed as a woman conforming to what is expected. But yea I feel wrong bc it's all more about how i wanna look like and be perceived I guess (?) Like i wanna be androgynous looking or dress like it or have like a aura idk and also i feel much more comfortable viewing myself, as I said earlier, me just like me not trying to fit the expectations of gender binarity. I guess I'm sending this ask bc i don't know who to talk to and express these feelings and also bc idk if this is a big deal or if I'm wrong in anyway bc i feel kinda like im an imposter or something and I'm resisting talk to ppl close to me about it bc of it too like i only talked to two ppl but really superficially(?) Idk and I'm sorry too if this is confusing! If this ask is ok and idk you could give me advice or some input or anything that could help and i could come off anon for it to be private I would really like it. (I'm sending this in anon bc im somewhat scared jsjsja) but again if this is too much or inappropriate I'm really sorry

sorry this took me so long to get around to answering! I’ve been mostly offline the past few days 💖

I want to start by saying you are absolutely valid in your feelings about gender and it doesn’t make you any less non-binary to prefer she/her pronouns for yourself. Gender is a very individual experience and no two people feel exactly the same! ♥️ You don’t have to change anything about your body or appearance to be trans. The only thing that makes someone trans is that they experience their assigned gender differently from cis people in that same group.

It is also totally valid for you to not want to come out to people in your life for any reason, be that safety or just for your own comfort. I still have not come out to my family, not because I’m necessarily scared of their reaction as much as they haven’t really shown me that they are deserving of that conversation because of how much emotional work I would have to do to help them understand me. Instead, I’ve been surrounding myself with people who do understand me and see me for who I am already.

My best advice to you would be to keep talking to the people you’re comfortable talking to, and to approach others in your life at your own pace and comfort. It’s okay if you never end up telling them! You might find yourself getting closer to the people you can talk about it with, and drifting away from the other people in your life, and that’s totally okay too! I have replaced many friends over the years who weren’t able to get on my level