#PUNCHING MY PILLOWS AS WE SPEAK THOSE FUCKING CHERRIES REALLY DID SOMETHING TO ME

[jangmi-latte]

ace loves cherries so he definitely knows how to tie a cherry stem with his tongue right???? RIGHT?????? A THOUGHT FOR THOUGHT??????

he'd he'd he'd he'd he'd stare off into space during lunch or during an unbirthday party and you just see his lips moving around. he's just leaning on his cheek or he's leaning back on his chair so you're entranced and curious on what he's doing. you'd probably just listen to deuce say his stories and ace is just, "mhm..." "yeah." while his mouth sounds full.

and then later on you'd see him shift and stick his tongue out so boredly—picking up or spitting out the tied cherry stem back on the plate. AND HE DOES THIS HOW MANY TIMES EVERY TIME HE EATS CHERRY TARTS SO SO YOU'RE JUST???? JUST????

AND EITHER HE KNOWS OR HE'S JUST AS OBLIVIOUS THAT YOU'RE ATTRACTED BECAUSE HNGH—

brb i'm gonna ✍️✍️✍️✍️✍️

[oingo233]

By The Lake* Part Five

Summary:  A family friend offers you a place to stay to get away from an abusive past.  Her home is a place that you are familiar with, an old town with a large lake you spent many days in. You went there years ago for one full summer, where you became close friends with a very young Daryl Dixon.  You two were inseparable until you had to leave.  But now you’re back, escaping from a past much like his.  You will need to weave your way through the town’s problematic people, your own problems, and above all the confusing Dixon.  Will you two find your way back to each other again?  Or will he push you further away?  And above all, will your past cease to haunt you?

Part one * Part Two * Part Three * Part Four

Pairing: Young Daryl Dixon X Reader

Warnings: Mentions of abuse and violence(potential triggers), cussing, more mature themes(not smut or anything tho), slow burn romance, described wounds and injuries

Authors note:  I don’t own the character Daryl Dixon, he belongs to the creators of The Walking Dead.  This fic talks about abuse, and the terrible reality involved to spread awareness about the matter, not to romanticize it.                                    ps. in this chapter we get hints at what really happened the last summer Daryl and (Y/N) spent together, which might be confusing at first but next chapter we’ll get more inisght to that.  There is also super cute and sad angst between the two as their pasts are finally revealed more to each other.  This chapter is just cute to me, I hope y’all enjoy! 

Word Count: 3.1k

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It has been a week and 3 days since I have last seen Daryl.  He was never in Marks garage, not wandering through town, not by the lake, not anywhere in sight.  All though sometimes at night, when I’m drifting off you sleep, if I’m lucky, I’ll hear Daryl's motorcycle as he drives through the night.  I always wonder where he’s off to, towards home or away?  So much has changed, it was hard to know much about him nowadays.  

It was one of those lucky nights as his engine roared to life, but something felt wrong.  I checked the time on my phone. 2:28 am.  What the hell?  Where is he going to at this hour?  Going to raise hell with his brother?  Or get him out of it?  I shook my head, and cuddled deeper into the pillow although it did nothing to calm my mind.  But it wasn’t my place to worry about him, we aren’t friends.  Daryls bitter words from our fight often circle around my head at night.  But so does the day he saved me.  He still cares for me, he as to, right?  I wouldn’t be ready to fight 3 tough looking guys for no one?  But he did, for me.  Maybe not everything has changed.

The hum of the motorcycle sounds the closest it has ever been.  I get lost in my own thoughts and soon notice the quite of the night.  No more engine accompanying the crickets and owls in the dead of night.  Well, where ever he is...I hope he is safe, I think.  My thoughts start to fade out, as my tiredness sinks in and sleep takes over.

Knock! Knock! Knock! Knock!

I wake with a start, my heart leaps to my throat and I can feel my fast heart beat.  Someone was at my door, knocking quickly and loudly.  

Knock! Knock!  “Damn it, wake up!”  Someone whispers from the other side of the door.  They didn’t sound like Cherry, Mark or the kids.  Could it be Carter?  The thought alone replaces my beating heart in my throat with bile.  I seal my lips shut and fight back the need to gag, a nervous tick if you will.  

Knock knock!  I quickly throw the covers off of me, and stand on shaking knees.  Apprehensively, I grab the bat by my bed and creep towards the door.  One more knock sounds and then I hear it.  “(Y/N), please...”The voice was shaky, and soft.  I know that voice!  I unlock the door and reveal the person behind it.  

“Daryl?”  Even if I had a hunch on who it was, seeing him before me here still was surprising.  Even more surprising was the way he stood.  His one arm draped over his waist, hunched over.  The other had blood trailing down his forearm from his knuckles, as it was raised in the air ready to knock again.  In the dead of night it was hard to see the full extent of his injuries.  

I drop my bat and turn on the porch lights.  “Omg Daryl!  What happened?.”  I panic.  His face had more bruises than flesh, and blood leaked from his lip and nose, covering the front of his shirt.  He squinted at the light and did something I last expected him to do.  He collapsed in my arms.  The weight of him nearly had us both on the floor, but I steadied myself and wrapped my arms around him.  My hands slid up and down his back, they were met with bloody welts.  I raised my hands so they weren’t touching him at all, and tucked my forearms under his sweaty armpits to lead him inside.  I walk the short distance from the front door, to my bed and lay him down on it so his back was facing the ceiling.  

He pushed his arms up under him and tried to get up.  I lightly grab his bicep and push him back down.  “Don’t move.”  I say softly, taking in his hurt expression.

“I’m not gettin’ your sheets dirty...” He mumbles.  

“I don’t give a damn about my fucking sheets.  Let me help you, that’s why you came here right?”  I don’t mean to sound so harsh, but seeing him like this scared me and he was only putting himself in more pain trying to be polite right now.

“Ya said if I needed anythin’...” He trialed off, clearly embarrassed.  He never was the one to ask for help, he saw it as weakness, almost like defeat.

“I know, I’m glad you came here.”  I can’t stop myself.  I reach out and comb back the hair from his eyes, running my fingers through his head of hair.  He closes his eyes and relaxes into the pillow, flinching when I go to do it again, before visibly relaxing even more.  Blood from his lip dribbles down onto my pillow and I frown.  How could someone do this to him?  

My heart breaks in two, and I hold back my tears.  He’d see it as pity and push me away.  I’ve never ever seen Daryl this beaten up, he won’t even let me check out a bruise.  It must have been real bad for him to come here directly after being hurt.  I scratch the base of his neck softly, thinking to myself how in the hell was I supposed to help him.  His lips parted and a sigh escaped them, I don’t know how long we were sitting like that but in that time Daryl has fallen asleep.  I smile to myself and pull my hand back.  Taking him in all the way.

I always wanted to see him in my bed with me, whether we were cuddling, laughing, or other fun things ;).  But never would I have ever wanted to see him in this condition.  His shirt was torn and through the rips I can see raised, irritated welts of skin, and some deeper marks turned into gashes.  Blood running down his tan skin.  His face was beaten badly, and his knuckles were cracked open, leaving blood down his arms.

I needed to get him cleaned and bandaged up, but all the supplies were in the house.  I had nothing.  This could prove difficult.  But it needed to me done.  I had to sneak into the home of those who are helping me, and steal their medical supplies.  No, borrow, I think to myself, I’m borrowing things to help my friend which they would surely approve of.  And I’ll replace everything I took in the morning.  

With that plan in mind I stood up and turned to walk out the door but a hand wraps gently wraps around my hand, squeezing it.  

“You leavin’?”  My heart leaped at his broken voice.  I crouch down and make eye contact with him, half his face sunken into the pillow, the other half facing me.  When I speak my voice is comforting, despite the fear and seriousness I feel when I look at his injuries.

“No Daryl,” I run my thumb across his knuckles which luckily this hand was clear of cuts.  “I have to get a few things for us.  But it won’t take too long, and I’m coming right back.”  He drops my hand and sits up slowly, holding his side again, face warped with pain before settling into a stony expression.

“If you’re gonna tell em’, I’m leavin’ and you have nothing to worry bout.” He goes to stand up but I block him.  

“I won’t tell them Daryl.  Nobody is going to know but us.  I just want to help you that’s all.  It’ll be between us if that is what you want.”  He nods once, and continues to stand there, looking awkward.  I hold in a chuckle, and help him sit down again.  

He watches me leave, as I walk out the door and to Cherry’s house, thinking of what I’m going to do.  Do I even know how to clean all of Daryl’s wounds?  I grimace at the thought of hurting him more, in a hopeless attempt to help him. But then a grim thought crossed my mind, of course I know how to treat wounds, I’ve had most of them myself.  I arrive at their front door and try it.  It was locked.  I curse under my breath and check the back door.  Praying to whatever god is up there, I try the handle.  For a second I think it might just work, its turning, but then it stops abruptly and I almost scream into the night. Locked. What now?

I can’t go to town, I don’t have a car.  I don’t have first aide in the cabin, and I’d rather die than disturb or “borrow” from the Hendersons.  No, this was the only way.  But how?  In my train of frantic thought I bring my thumb up and bite it.  Quickly I retract my thumb and spit on the ground.  Daryl’s blood was all over my hands from where I carried him.  Suddenly, the answer to all my problems presented itself.

I run around to the front of the house and knock frantically, putting a pained expression on.  Mark opens the door, his eyes bags prominent in the moonlight and his half sleep state.  He looked like a zombie.  I felt terrible for waking him, but the thought of Daryl back at the cabin keeps my plan in action.

“Oh Mark!  Thank god.  I hurt myself...” Oh shit, I haven’t thought about this all the way.  “uh, when unpacking and the pocket knife slipped.  I uh, cut my palm.”  He bought my rubbish lie, and glanced down at my hands.  Even in the darkness, the blood on my hands were hard to miss.  His eyes widen and he ushers me inside.

“Jesus.  You’re on the verge of bleeding out!”  His voice seemed much higher than before, panicked.  I shrug, clearly I wasn’t, but Mark seemed convinced I was in grave danger.  “We need to call someone.  Cherry!”  He yells into the night.  Two lights down the hallway turn on and I hold back a long string of curses, this wouldn’t work.  I wasn’t even cut and now everyone was going to come and take a look.  Mark glances uneasily at my hands and closes his eyes shut.  He chuckles.  “I’m not very good with things like this.  Blood is...well I don’t really like it.  Cherry is better at this stuff anyway.  Cherry!”  He calls again.  Cherry rushes down the hall, pulling her arm through her robe.  Her hair sticking up, and matted, she looked just as tired as Mark.  Behind her, I can see Monty stick his head out his door.  He gives me a shy wave, making me smile.  I go to wave but can’t for Cherry grabbed my hand.

I pull it back to my chest and fake pain. I wince and give her a weak smile.  “It hurts, it would be best if I cleaned it myself.  I just don’t have any first aide at the cabin.”  She puts a hand to her mouth and closes her eyes for a few seconds.

“(Y/N), I am so sorry.”  She hits Marks arm, who looks pale.  “How could we have forgotten to give her first aide, she’s by the lake for christs sake.”  She turns away and rushes in and out of the bathroom.  She hands me a red kit, and frowns at me.  “I’m sorry, we literally bought you one and totally forgot to give it to you.  Are you sure you can do it yourself?”  This plan has worked out better than I thought, I think to myself quite amazed.

“Uhm, yeah.  Done this a hundred times.”  I laugh to myself.  “And don’t be sorry at all, everything worked out like it should and I have it when I most need it!”  I swing the kit around, not sure how to retract back to the cabin.  “Well, thank you so much, and I’m so sorry for disturbing you.”  I give Cherry and Mark a kiss on the cheek and run out of the house like a bat out of hell.

I approach the Cabin and see through the window as Daryl’s face lights up slightly when he sees me coming.  He goes to open the door but stops short when his back no doubt holds him back.  I run inside and open the first aide kit.

“Careful!  No need to be moving around, just sit still.”  He puffs out air, some hair that fell in front of his eyes fly back.  He eyes the first aide and gives me a small smile.  

“Thanks.”  That made me stop.  I can’t help it, a teasing smile breaks through.

“Did thee Daryl Dixon just say thank you?”  I giggle, he rolls his eyes at me, cracking a small grin too.

“Nah, you hearing things.”  We both laugh lightly, Daryl slowly reaches over for the kit.  I stop him, giving him a questioning look.

“I know what I’m doing, been here before.”He says.  I place the kit in my lap and give him a look.

“So have I.”  He sits back, eyebrows furrowed.  His mouth opens lightly, I know he wants to say something, but his words fell short as he looked into my eyes.  We shared the same look, the one you get carved into you from hands of abuse.  Daryl clenches his fists and draws his lips back, like a dog growling.

“Carter.”  He states, venomously.  I give a stiff nod and we didn’t mention it further although it seemed like Daryl wanted to.  I grabbed a towel and soaked it in water.  I slowly approach Daryl and stand between his legs, he looks softly up at me from his position on the bed.  

“May I?”  He swallows thickly, and wordlessly gives me permission with a nod of his head.  I tuck my pointer finger under the towel, and use it to wipe blood from his upperlip.  He winces and his hands shoot up, grabbing at my hips.  My movements falter at his touch, his large hands, calloused and rough, but so soft against my bare hip.  My pajama consisted of a large shirt, and shorts like underwear.  

“‘m sorry.”  He mumbles, hands falling back at his side.  I continue wiping the blood off of his face softly.

“It’s okay, you can hold me if it helps.”  I smirk down at him, he rolls his eyes and I feel his disbelieving smile against the towel.  Truth was though, I loved him holding me like that, I wanted him too.  We were like that for a while, until his face was clean.  I placed a disinfection on all the open cuts on his face, and an adhesive band-aide.  When I’m done, I inspect his face.  Even all roughed up, he was the most handsome man I’ve ever seen.

“This your dad?”  I ask, after a while of inspecting him, he was inspecting me too, his small smile dropped, as well as his gaze.  

“Yeah, my ain’t good fer nothin’ pop beats me.  That what ya wanna hear?”  His face contorts with anger.  “That I ain’t nothin’ to him but a beatin’ bag, a disappointment.”  He fist the bloody sheets of my bed.  “That I ain’t nothin’.”  His voice cracks and tears spill out of his eyes.  He wipes at them angrily but they won’t stop.  A sob breaks through his lips, and his body shudders.  I wipe his tears away for him, and dab at my own.  

“Daryl...You are so many things. So many incredible things.”  He’s coughing on his sobs now, head in his hands.  The sound broke me.  What could I say to make his pain go away?  What could I do to take it from him?  “You’re more than what your dad thinks of you.  You-you don’t need him...you have me.  And I think the world of you.”My own voice cracks.  I don’t know what to say that would reach him in the way it needs to.  So I wrap my hands around his neck and pull him in for a hug.  His arms instantly snake around me and hold on for dear life, his head tucked into my stomach.   His cries stop for a second and I hold him tighter.

“Ya left me too...”He whispers, almost like he didn’t dare to say it, but he did.  My grip looseness, the guilt from so many years ago hitting me full force.  His head shifts and his eyes meet mine, his beautiful blue eyes.  I expected to see anger, but all I saw was hurt, and vulnerability.  Tears were drifting out of them slowly, and they glistened in the wet sheen.  I hold my breath.

“Ya left me there in the woods.  I thought I lost ya forever that day.  The stupid fuckin’ kiss.” He mumbles the last part to himself.  His hands bunches the fabric of my shirt, before he releases and stands with a pain filled sigh.  His hand lightly cups my cheek, I hold on to it.  A sad smile returns to his face, almost bitter.  “Ya should of ran when I held ya like this (Y/N).  If ya were gonna run anyway, then ya should have ran the first damn day we met.”  His hand drops down the base of my neck, he traces circles down the base of it slowly, inches above my chest.  It was silent for a few moments, heat and emotion trapped between our two bodies.  “When you were wearing that pretty lil necklace, we lost in the lake days after.”  His smile fades again as he drops his hand and picks up something from the kit.  Dabbing at his knuckles with the towel. Ignoring me.  He never was so open, I didn’t expect it to last very long.  I regain my voice and grab his forearm, making him look at me.

“It wasn’t a stupid kiss Daryl.  I was a stupid girl.  But I never planned on running from you, not even the first day we met.”  As a small chuckle slips from my sad demeanor, he looks at me.  Shyly from his lashes, watching me speak, hoping it was true. “I should have never ran.  Like I said, I always thought the world of you.”  He stops messing with his hand and stares at me for a long while.  He steps forwards and hugs me, a real hug.  His arms wrapped around my shoulders, my head tucked into his chest.  I hug him down my his butt, not wanting to hurt his back even more.  I felt deflated.  His lips trace my ear as he whispers into it.  

“I was a sorry fool the day ya left.”  His words echoed in my head all night, as we laid in silence.  Him sprawled on my bed as I patched up and cleaned his back.  He played with my hand, as the other raced through his hair, lulling him to sleep.

  “Goodnight Daryl.”  I whisper into his ear, giving him a soft kiss by his hairline before lying next to him.  I was answered with a snore.  I feel asleep watching him, and thinking of all that has changed, and all that has yet remained the same.  

[alias-b]

sins of my youth. 002

Billy Hargrove x OC! Evie Fenny~ Also posted to my AO3

Summary: It was common knowledge that Billy Hargrove hated Hawkins. Hated Cherry Lane. Even loathed the strange girl next door. Evie Fenny wasn’t too fond of the chaotic Cali transfer either. An awful high school tradition sparks a chain of events that changes everything, ultimately bringing two frayed souls together.

A/N: Hello all~ Down the rabbit hole. TW: Teenagers can be the worst. Bullying. Fatphobia. Slut shaming. Cruel boys being cruel boys.

Chapter 2: A Million Dead Stars

   All Evie had to do was wait patiently. For Heather to pop out back and for Billy to swoop in and make his bold move.

   The goofy grin Heather walked back in with did not disappoint. Not at all.

   “Hey, you.” Curls bounced when Evie cocked her head and Heather plopped down with a drink. They tapped red plastic cups.

   “So, I just had an...amazing conversation.”

   “Yeah...?" Evie sang softer. "Pray tell."

   “Just...wow. Billy Hargrove. Him too, huh?”

   “We knew it would happen. He was being way too cool around us at lunch when the guy has been nothing but shitty toward me since moving here. He gave me a ride home, it was obvious. And so…?”

   “Where to start?” Heather put her arm up on the couch and took a long drink, laughing. Pretty in pink girl. “First he brought up Jane Austen. Said they were studying it in English which was a total bluff.”

   “We’re not.” Evie confirmed. “He’s in my second period.”

   "You gave up choir for that specific period with Bowers." Heather recalled more so to herself.

   "No, I just," Evie scrambled, "I just didn't want to do choir anymore. The teacher played favorites. Got sick of it."

   Another longer drink and she went on.

   "So, continue..."

   “He brought up Pride and Prejudice. Which, okay, but Emma is way better.”

   “You’re wrong, but I still love you.” Evie curled up to face her friend. Heather laughed and took her hand, leaned her head on the couch to gather herself in a fit of giggles. 

   “He said Mr. Dancy.”

   “No?” Evie died there. "And I hoped he might learn something."

   “Yes!” Heather smacked at her. Music pumped behind them. Teens roaming and making a mess of the nice mansion. "I felt bad because...I snorted about it. In his face."

   “You know, I’ll give Billy a point. Go on.”

   “Museums. Fuck me gently with a chainsaw, I love you...but I’d soon jump into a pit of alligators before going to a museum for a date. Bowling or mini golf please.” Heather was chuckling. “Ballpark hot dogs are way better than cheeseburgers. Popcorn over cheese fries and a damn milkshake? Slushies or nothing. I’m lactose intolerant. He was trying to bore me to death or poison me, Eve.”

   Evie broke to laugh again, barely able to speak.

   “I know! That’s why I suggested all of that.”

   “You bitch.” Heather was giggling still into her shoulder. Hands clasped. They broke to drink. “Oh! And campy action adventure movies or rom-coms only for Heather Holloway. I don’t get why you even go for horror, you wouldn’t hurt a fly and you squirm.”

   “He bombed.” Evie covered her eyes, wiped a tear aside. “I almost pity him.”

   “What’s funny is you like all that stuff. I’m not sure if he was faking it well, but he seemed kinda into most of it.”

   “I’ve been running out of ideas when your followers scramble. Sue me, Heath.” Evie pushed up. “I definitely need another drink.”

   “Fine, fine. Hey,” Heather laced their pinkies together, “teen boys are the worst. Thanks for bouncing another off me. Billy’s cute and all, but hell, I have too much on my plate for a boy right now.”

   “Got that right.” Evie weaved between dancing crowds to the punch bowl. Passed some guy puking into a vase and another group cheering on an arm wrestling match. Spooned herself a full cup. Was mid gulp when she turned to a pair of scathing blue eyes. Oh, Billy.

   “You fucking-”

   “I’m going to stop you right there, Hargrove, and walk that a-way.” She gulped again and passed him.

   “You think that shit’s funny?” Billy had a fistful of her jacket collar. Snarling like a mad dog. "She laughed at me."

   The humiliation of it seemed to make Billy the angriest.

   Evie felt that resonate bitterly because he sounded wounded and oblivious to what life threw her way.

   “Funny? Only after the first ten boys.” She shrugged. “Now it’s just sad. I’m not stupid.”

   “I’d say jerking me around is pretty stupid.” Billy was clearly smashed. Smelling of beer and weed. Eyes red to hell. “Maybe you’re so fucking single and miserable, you make sure your friend stays that way too, huh.”

   Billy knew a nerve was plucked at that by the way she stilled to go colder. Brown eyes molten at him.

   “You don’t know me. You’re a fucking asshole, you know that? I think we both know which one of us is miserable. Go show off for the school all you want, you don't fool everyone with those pretty blue eyes.” Evie shoved off him. Wondered if she caught that same frayed nerve.

   "Hey, we got a problem here?" A Hawkins football player towered. Couple of his buddies from other schools that weren't Ridgemont made a barricade between Billy and Evie.

   "I'm talking to Fenny, dickweed. You mind?" Billy spat. Evie huffed and rolled her eyes.

   "You're talking to the girl who kicked Brock Tannen's ass. Show some respect." Another meathead joined in. Evie hid amusement because this was an odd change over the year.

   "Guys, stand down, you really don't have to do this for me." It was...weird. Frankly, Billy looked like he was about to take on all of them.

   The boy in front gave Billy's shoulder a comical brush and they went off like a herd of happy buffalo.

   "The fuck, are you teen royalty somehow?" Hargrove made a face at her tired expression.

   "No, just some lucky idol they keep around. I still get stepped on in the hallway and I pass everyone's love notes for them." Evie sipped. "I don't care that you like Heather, I care that you pretended to be something close to kind with me to get at her."

   "Don't worry, I'm not interesting in being kind to you again." It came out nastier than he meant it too. Alcohol did that to his old man as well. Disgust welled and Billy had nowhere to put it so it flowed out. "No one here gives a shit about what you have to say, Fenny. Don't count on them trying either just because you're some freak they keep around for one sick story. They're all gonna laugh at you."

   Evie blinked a few times. Saw Billy's shoulders sink while they stared into each other, both searching long and hard. Finished her drink in one swig and tossed the cup at his shoes.

   “You fucking insecure asshole, check a mirror in five years and let me know if you like what you see. Not like you even do now, I bet, so enjoy denial. And stay away from me, Hargrove.” She went down the hallway beyond a spiral staircase and almost ran into a huge chest. As if this night couldn't get any worse.

   Fuck.

   Brock Tannen. Poster boy of rich asshole quarterback from their main rival school. Chestnut hair and chiseled good looks covered evil.

   “Fat Fenny. Oh, sorry. Old habit. Evie. Missed you around these parts.” He nursed a can of beer and leaned into the wall. “Go psycho on anyone lately?”

   “The year isn’t over.” She moved to pass him.

   “Look.” He jolted in front of her. “Admittedly, I was a real shithead. I know that now. My folks even got someone for me to talk to. I'm working through all my shit. But, I was an ass to you.”

   “We knew this.” Evie tried to go the other way, but his shoulder blocked her. She caught sight of his chain. A silver playboy bunny charm he loved to show off.

   “Listen, the year is almost up. I want you to know I don’t hold it against you. You went through some shit at home too. Truce?” No response. A beat before his chin lifted. “You never went crying to your slut mother about me. My dad said she sucks the mailman off.”

   "Don't say shit about my mother." Evie was on her toes. Hands clenching.

   "Didn't cry to daddy either, oh...my bad. You can't." Brock's laughter rang sirens around her head. He was begging her to go off again. "Why didn't you tell mommy about me? We almost had fun."

   “You didn’t get far with me if that’s what you mean, you think I’d give you my tears? Just embarrassed that you bat at fat chicks and get turned down. Eat shit, Tannen.” She got around him, staggered away.

   “Maybe I’ll convince you. I just want to be friends. It’s going to be a new year soon.” His voice lingered along the hallways. "Just messing with you cause I like you is all." More chuckles followed.

   Guys like Tannen secretly wanted her. Unobtainable and strange girls who didn’t conform to stupid high school stereotypes, it really pissed people off. Exotic, which was truly the worst word. Evie was easy to fetishize. 

   Billy got over Heather because Evie passed him moments later with his tongue down some Ridgemont girl’s throat.

   The boy was all mouth and hands. Sucked face like a fucking giant squid attacking a ship at sea.

   "Ick. Fucking Cthulhu." She got away from that, drank more to forget.

   Heather pulled her friend into the dancing. Lights blasting all directions. Music pulsed. Couple more drinks and they were stumbling to Heather’s place. Sneaking up the stairs to fall into a queen sized bed.

   “Can’t believe we didn’t wake my parents.” Heather rolled to her front, smudged the pillow with makeup. Evie was on her side snickering. “Hey, you’d tell me if something was wrong, right?”

   “Nothing is wrong.” Brown eyes blinked. Heather nuzzled her pillow and breathed even, searching.

   “You changed last year. After, what happened at home… I know you miss your dad.” Delicate fingertips ran over Evie's arm. Slipped away.

   “He left.”

   Evie remembered coming home from school. He was just gone. Clothes and all. Mona crying at the table. Pictures down. Like he never existed.

   And her mother never really explained why. Just said they had problems and her dad wanted to be with someone else. He never called. Mona cried that day and hasn’t cried since. Evie couldn’t even remember the last thing she said to him. 

   People vanish. They have that power.

   “After...what happened with Tannen. You got all distant with me. I just worry about you a lot.” Heather’s fingers curled into Evie’s sleeve. “Kids are cruel, I don’t understand why. Why they're so mean...”

   “Some people don’t know where to put it when they hate themselves.”

   “I don't think I hate myself. Sometimes I hate that myself isn't enough, you know? Enough to please my parents all the time and enough to help other people out."

   "You're more than enough for me, Heather." Evie heard a sniffle.

   "D-Do you hate yourself?” An airy tone slurred.

   “I don’t know.” Evie sighed. “I’m fine, Heath, I’m happy. I dealt with it.”

   “Happy or pretending to be?” Heather mused, pulling at her hair scrunchie to relieve brown locks. “I just don’t see you a lot, like you’re always with someone else. You never wanted to hang out over the summer.”

   “I’m just busy with stuff, it’s nothing.” Evie peered at the walls plastered in their friendship. Felt every smiling version of herself in those old photographs wince at her lies. Stars exploding in total silence.

   “You’re going to leave Hawkins and sing your songs for people on a stage. You’re going to be world famous and I’ll get to point and say, that’s my best friend.” Heather grinned. “Keep breaking that shell. I can help you.”

   “I’ll try.” Evie scoffed. “You’re so drunk.”

   “I am…” Heather hummed. “Just talk to me, okay? I want you to be so happy again. Like we used to be when we’d go to the park. Play on swing sets.”

   “I won’t shut you out.” She replied as Heather settled, started to snore. “Goodnight, Heath.”

   “M’night.”

** ** **

   Billy was still raging into that night. Stumbled out of a bedroom pulling his tee back on, rooting around for his jacket. Most kids were starting to pass out on floors and couches.

   “Hey, this belong to you?” Brock plucked up leather so Billy snatched it. “Good to see you, Hargrove. You know, they say Hawkins would have finished out the basketball season with the title if you stayed on the team.”

   “They played favorites. Got sick of it.” Billy passed him, lightning a cigarette.

   “Come outside, sit with the guys.” Brock cocked his head, square jaw setting when he smiled.

   “Hey, B.” Tommy was stoned out of his mind. Looked at Billy like he was trying to find him in a haystack. Not with Carol so they must have had some fight. 

   Billy eyed the clear covered pool. Lights played up to touch his face before he plopped into a metal chair. Boys from Hawkins and other schools gathered around a glass table, drinking and shooting the shit. A joint was passed. Mostly rich, sporty types.

   “Hargrove. Hear you’re the Hawkins Keg King. What the hell happened with Harrington?” Brock faked interest, hands clasped.

   “Crashed and burned, man.” Tommy chortled, smacking Billy’s arm.

   “Who?” Just play dumb.

   “Don’t play coy, man, we all know you beat the shit out of him. Knocked the pretty boy down a few pegs.” Brock only grinned there. “So, you’re in the circle now.”

   “Oooh, do I get a medal?” Billy flicked his smoke aside and swiped Tommy’s beer to drink.

   “I like this guy, Hagan.” 

   “We can trust him.” Tommy winked, sitting back.

   “You’re not going to hunt me for sport, are you?” Billy inhaled sharper, unworried. Laughter erupted.

   “It’s funny you say that,” Brock took the floor, “because we are going to let you in on the deepest secret between the high schools. Something that brings all the boys together. Hawkins. Ridgemont. Hill Valley. Bates. We have this little tradition we do between Homecoming and Prom.”

   “Skirt Safari.” Brock’s right hand man chuckled, sucking the joint down. Few boys echoed it with laughter.

   “The hell is that?” Billy drank, shaking his hair out.

   “Some of us guys throw this big dance party. Rent out a nice place in town, pour some good money into a pool.” Brock shrugged. “You take a girl and we vote.”

   “Vote?” Billy puffed. More cruel smiles.

   “Yeah, on which girl is the ugliest beast.” Hyena cackling followed. Billy just stared with his brow raised.

   “Ah...What the fuck is this? Are you joking?”

   “Open season, man.” Another boy chimed in.

   “Walk with me, Hargrove, you have something special about you.” Brock got up, swiped the joint to finish it. Billy looked irritated and followed. Fresh air cleared his head. Behind them, teens chattered. “I think you’ll fit right in here. You live on Cherry Lane, right?”

   “What’s it to you?” Billy chucked the beer aside.

   “Next to that Fenny girl. Kinda cute in her new little outfits if you like something extra to grab onto.” Brock shrugged. Turned from Billy to eye the sky clearing up.

   “Didn’t she beat your ass last year?” A sly grin crossed.

   “Ah, you heard. Rumors have been exaggerated. Just like you and Harrington I’m sure. Getting booted from the team over a tiff.”

   “I left on my own, fuck them.”

   “Fenny had a thing for me and I said no because I was with someone, so she got emotional. Girls are like that. They get attached and upset when we don't give them what they need.” Brock stuffed his hands into his pockets. “She’s untouched, you know, so I heard. Flaunting her shit now and not letting us grab the goods. Asking for it man, but too afraid to follow through. I hate that teasing shit. They say the bookworms are wild in the sack. Bet you that musical girl can sing too.”

   “You obsessed with her now and her little outfits?” That earned Billy a brief heated expression. The boy was more observant than he was given credit for.

   “I just wanted to raise a challenge for you. Get Fenny to go to Skirt Safari as your date. New Years Eve, we’ll give you the address. Kiss her before the clock strikes twelve. She won’t earn you the win, but I’ll bet you money that you can’t get the famous ice queen to go.”

   “Man, this is so fucking stupid.” Billy clearly didn’t fit with this crowd of uppity shits. Heels spun to go.

   “Is three hundred dollars stupid?” Brock watched Billy skid. Blue eyes shifting to see him again. “Ah, I have your attention.”

   “Cash?” Billy could use it. Three hundred would go far for him. Brock Tannen knew that immediately about him.

   “I can show it to you if you like.” Brock displayed his teeth, almost glowing and sharp. “Show us that Hargrove charm and break the unbreakable. If you're the Keg King. Prove it. Let us see you in action.”

   “I take her to the shitty party and you give me three hundred bucks?" Billy asked carefully, eyes darting. "She doesn't have to find out about this vote shit you guys do?”

   “No, not a word from us. I'll even pay your end of the pool as a token. Just an innocent kiss before the ball drops. You don't have to screw her, unless she's your thing. Easy enough?” Brock held out his hand. Billy eyed the campy bunny chain around Tannen’s neck, huffed out his nose.

   Took the offer with a hard expression.

   “Deal.”

** ** **

   Evie rubbed her eyes the next morning and said bye to Heather, raking fingers through curls as she was dropped off. Jacket pulled close while she fumbled for keys and Heather drove off.

   Not even a second after, a blue Camaro was pulling up next door. 

   It was annoying how great Billy looked even with a hangover after a hard night of partying. He stunk of beer and smoke and his hair was ratted, but glowy as always. Evie groaned when he spotted her and got the key in the door.

   “Hey, Evie.” Was that her name he just used? “Hey, wait up.” Boots clicked to hurry toward her house. A stronger hand yanked the front door closed and Billy held his ground there. "Wait a second, I'm trying to talk to you."

   “Aren’t we both too hungover for this?” Already on the defensive. Makeup smeared around her eyes. She turned, applying some chapstick and sighed out. "What?"

   “Look.” Billy pushed his hands into his back pockets, eyes flicking away and back. “It was a dick move. The whole Heather thing.”

   “Yeah.” She waited for him to go on.

   “And I’m…” Sorry? “It was shitty.” He craned down toward her. "The stuff I said, I was fucking wasted."

   "And you're..." She tried to spell the word out with her eyes. Billy blinked innocently.

   "An asshole."

   Evie flattened.

   "Yes, but not what I was...ah, look, it doesn't matter. I was drunk and I jabbed too. And I am...sorry." A shrug before she tried the door again.

   Billy pulled it shut once more like this was a game, earning a sigh of irritation.

   "I'm still talking at you. I was...I am...a shithead." He couldn't wrap his squid tongue around a fucking apology. Christ.

   Evie looked expectantly, leaning in as if more should come.

   Billy sucked at this so he decided to jump right in.

   “I wanted to make it up to you. There’s this dance up in the city. Real bar. Real drinks. New Years Eve bash. Go with me.” It sounded like an order.

   “Go with you?” She blinked in shock. Grew pointed. “Ah, no, Billy.” Evie got her front door open again and pushed by him. Wondered if he was used to rejection in any form. So, she pushed pride aside. “But, Heather thinks you’re cute okay. Just ask her. It’s fine.”

   She got around the door and hid half behind it. Billy’s hand went flat to stop it from shutting.

   “I don’t want to ask Heather, I’m asking you.” He shrugged with big eyes. Bet ladies fell for it. Evie searched him, beyond confused. She hated confusion. It was too much. “You’re single, it’s this or some lame ass high school party.”

   He noted she opened her mouth and decided not to protest the single part. The hesitation was odd.

   "I...I happen to like lame ass high school parties." She stammered out.

   "Oh, sure." He winked.

   "Y-Yeah, I just love them actually because kids our age are very stupid. It's better than public television."

   "Right. Right." He sounded not convinced.

   "And, you're Billy Hargrove so any girl will jump at the chance, just ask-"

   “I’m asking you, Angel. Deal with it.” He lowered his tone and got closer. Flashed a darling smile then bit his lip. Slid that tongue over it. "Don't make me beg. You know I will."

   “You...I… Look, I’m...flattered but, I can’t. I, uh, have a thing.” Her voice trailed off. “Sorry.” The door shut.

   Billy gave this growl low in his throat. 

   “We have time, Fenny, I’m fine asking again.” His voice picked up. Silence. "All you gotta do is nod that pretty head of yours."

   Billy knew she heard it. He turned and dropped the grin when he spotted Max there on the sidewalk, skateboard in hand. Watching.

   "Are you asking Evie out?" She narrowed on him.

   "Mind your fucking business, shitbird." Billy stepped off the porch. "She's going to a party with me."

   "Sounded like she just said no to you."

   Billy swerved to get angry. Remembered a nail bat crashing between his legs. Shut his mouth.

   "Whatever." A puff.

   "She's nice," Max trailed after him, "you should, you know...ask her to something if you... She's cool. Cooler than you."

   He slowed, eyebrow raising.

   "Doesn't matter."

   "It's Saturday." Max explained, red hair catching the sunlight to flame up.

   "I know what day it is, Max, leave me alone." Billy was going up toward their house.

   "She probably said no because you stink so bad."

   "What the fuck?" He wheeled around again, chest puffing.

   Max smirked at him and Billy found himself matching it. Bold little shit.

   "I know what I said. And it's Saturday, that means she'll probably be helping her mom at that salon later. You should shower and show up. Girls like spontaneous stuff, it's thoughtful and you suck at that."

   Billy scrunched at her.

   "Since when do you care about...?"

   "About what?" She shuffled there on the grass. Peered at Neil's car in the driveway. "We're family now whether we like it or not. Which means I'm stuck looking out for you. Right, Billy?" Max dropped her skateboard, popping it up with one foot. "I like Evie and I don't want my brother being a jerk to her. Or anyone."

   Billy scoffed, near amused.

   "Right." He grumbled. Went up and paused to turn once more. "Max."

   "Yeah?" She readied to ride off.

   "Watch the board around my damn car, will you?" Billy heard her snort. "I got shit to do now, stay out of the way."

   "Take a shower and show up. Try asking instead of telling. See what happens." Max rode off with a clatter of wheels on concrete. He only shook his head again. Smiled to himself without thinking before he went in.

   Billy decided to take the advise on all accounts. She'd go with him.

   Certainty crept the more he looked at himself in the mirror and applied his aftershave. Maybe he forced the feeling so often, it was second nature. Fuck, looking at his reflection was never this difficult. Evie's words rang harder this morning.

   He didn't blame her for once.

   All these false fronts Billy showed the world. Old photographs flashing like a million dead stars. That was all we ever saw of them. Somewhere else, Evie heard those same stars dying too. Decayed and twinkling too pretty even still. It sounded almost like a cruel fate.

   A tongue swept over his lips before he tried something new. Eyes averting to speak quietly like someone might hear. Fingers twisting the silver ring about his middle finger.

   "Sorry."

   He resumed fixing his curls. Polished up that Hargrove charm until it shined bright.

   What Evangeline Fenny didn't know couldn't possibly hurt her, Billy reasoned.

   Right?

~~~~~~

Thanks for reading, chat with me if you have time! Tried to push another chp out quick. Imma pass out now XOXO TAGGED: @80sbxtch​ @nottherightseason​ @orxhidshavana​  

[books-and-glitter]

You literally asked for this directly

🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻

Should be 69 of those 😚

I hate you so much. You monster. I only expressed that I was surprised and you did this to me. I didn't ask for this.

Nonetheless....

🌻 - there is a bug in the kitchen and I am now too scared to go in there.

🌻 - Harper is trying to protect me but she is frankly useless.

🌻 - it's not like a big bug but it is definitely not small.

🌻 - I saw moth put a flower before each of these and thought it was neat. So I am now doing it.

🌻 - the person who sent me this sends a "Daily dose of disappointment" in a group chat we are in. Except it is not daily. It's whenever she has one.

🌻 - Kool Aid originated in Nebraska.

🌻 - The Omaha zoo has both the largest indoor desert as well as the largest indoor rainforest. The rainforest is my favorite.

🌻 - there is a rope bridge in there though that used to scare me a lot.

🌻 - nebraska also apparently originated the reuben sandwich which is gross.

🌻 - the Ogalala aquifer is the largest underground water supply in the US.

🌻 - the 911 system originated in Lincoln so that's kinda cool.

🌻 - the largest Woolly Mammath fossil is from Nebraska. If I remember correctly it's the one in Morrill Hall. His name is Archie and I will die for him.

🌻 - speaking of Archie, he was found on a farm by chickens. The farmer got confused at why the chickens were pecking at something, went to look, found big bones and called an archeologist.

🌻 - okay the bug is still a problem but I now have you to save me when it shows it's little fucking face again.

🌻 - the word Nebraska comes from the Oto word meaning flat water.

🌻 - hell yeah we going back to nebraska facts. Next is that the goldrod is the state flower. Flower is kinda pretty but the paper color by the same name is stupid.

🌻 - blue agate is the state gem and I vibe with that. Agate is cool as fuck.

🌻 - UNL's weight room is supposedly the largest in the country at 3/4ths of an acre (32.6k sqft)

🌻 - the Nebraska capitol had a 9.8 million budget, came in under budget, was paid for by the time it finished construction.

🌻 - I think the capitol looks weird but I am also desensitized to it but objectively it is really cool.

🌻 - cliff notes was founded in Nebraska.

🌻 - unfortunately when the UNL stadium is seated to capacity it technically becomes the 3rd most populated place in the state..... It's also really loud.... And I hate it.

🌻 - Arbor day comes from Nebraska. Which is cool because trees.

🌻 - the Scotts Bluff National Museum has a section of the oregon trail wagon roadbed that you can hike. The museum itself is also kinda cool so I suggest it if you ever are in the area.

🌻 - I wish to kill you, kathryn.

🌻 - more Nebraska facts I hear you cry! No problem! Nebraska has Car Henge! So if you ever want to get the vibe of Stonehenge except stupid and made of antique cars in a field in the middle of fucking nowhere you're in luck.

🌻 - Runzas are the official state food and I hate it. Runza makes decent chicken strips but Runzas are gross. Yes handover that cabbage meat bread 🤢

🌻 - Nebraska has a navy apparently. I know this but I cant tell you what the fuck they do since we are like the most landlocked state in the country.

🌻 - That one president, Gerald Ford, born in Nebraska. That's kinda neat. (I know nothing else about this man or his presidency except he is the only one not nationally elected.)

🌻 - Fred Astaire, Marlon Brando, and Johnny Carson (I think, or he just went to UNL, the media arts building is named after him) are all from Nebraska.

🌻 - getting sick of nebraska facts? Suffer. Nebraska has more miles of river than any other state, which is weird because we were called the great American desert.

🌻 - apparently the Nebraska state insect is the honeybee!!! 🐝

🌻 - the Niobrara river is apparently really good for canoeing and has like 90 waterfalls.

🌻 - I am running low on nebraska facts.

🌻 - there is a park/reserve just outside Lincoln that has some bison in it. Do not fuck with bison. They will wreck your shit.

🌻 - I don't know if he is still alive but there used to be a bald eagle in the same park that only had one wing. (Actually I think he was missing half of one but still)

🌻 - the cottonwood tree is awful and on a bad year can look like a light snow if too many trees are nearby.

🌻 - the ashfall fossil beds are where you can go to see an active archeology site with the fossils of tons of animals killed by a volcano 12 million years ago.

🌻 - Nebraska has a unicameral. Which is basically instead of a state house and state senate we have one legislative body that is elected on a non-partisan ticket.

🌻 - it is illegal to fish whales in Nebraska. Once again we are completely land locked and there are no whales but.. its still illegal.

🌻 - I am dying here. Kathryn I will punch you.

🌻 - Morrill Hall also has elephant hall which is the main hall right when you pass the entry desk. It has like 15 (?) fossils in it and apparently it's the largest collection of elephant fossils on display.

🌻 - speaking of Morrill Hall, it only displays about 1% of it's collection. The rest is stored at Nebraska Hall nearby.

🌻 - I think the cranes in North Platte are lame.

🌻 - nebraska furniture mart in Omaha is apparently the largest in the country. Which I can believe. I went to the discount part and it was a giant warehouse. I don't know what the actual sale floor is like.

🌻 - cherry county is bigger than Connecticut.

🌻 - O street (highway 6) is the longest straight main street

🌻 - Nebraska has a testicle festival. It's probably exactly what you think it is. Too many fried cow balls is what it is.

🌻 - there is a really cool church between Lincoln and omaha called the Holy Family Shrine. Its got massive arches and is mostly glass. Im not catholic so it's not really a religious thing but a bitch can appreciate some cool architecture.

🌻 - the Hall brothers who made Hallmark (card company) are from Nebraska.

🌻 - UNL's Love library has a Shakespeare Folio. Its in the Special Collections and Archives' vault. I want to see it so bad and one of the archivists told me she would show me it next time they opened the vault but then corona... :(

🌻 - UNL's library also has like 5 million+ physical items in it's collections.

🌻 - the serial killer Charles Starkweather is buried in Wyuka in Lincoln.

🌻 - Kearney, NE is dead center geographically between Boston and San Francisco.

🌻 - 92% of the state is farmland/ranches.

🌻 - if you have made it this far I am sorry.

🌻 - Nearly every fun facts about nebraska page has mentioned that the food stuffs Spam is manufactured in Fremont. So I'll mention out of peer pressure.

🌻 - the bug is still in the kitchen. Kathryn has foresaken me. I may perish in the night.

🌻 - 10 more. There is a roller skating museum in Lincoln. It's at 48th and South streets. Has largest collection of historical roller skates.

🌻 - Larry the Cable Guy I'd from Nebraska and he has recorded narrations for some exhibits in the Lincoln children's zoo. Or he used to it's been awhile.

🌻 - going back to UNL stuffs. Morrill Hall is a pretty cool museum and you should definitely go there. If only to say hi to Archie.

🌻 - the bronze Archie that is outside the museum is currently sporting a fashionable face mask set both over his trunk and his actual mouth.

🌻 - there are a couple dino fossils in that museum and if you step over the barrier and onto the decorative rocks an alarm will go off. And staff will be pissed because now they have to tell at you.

🌻 - said museum also has a lot of cool rocks on the third floor.

🌻 - and the bottom floor has like a hall of nebraska animals where you can hit buttons to listen to animal sounds.

🌻 - aaand a room with a plesiosaur embedded in the floor which is really cool.

🌻 - there is also a cool museum in Nebraska called the SAC. Which is the museum for Strategic Air Command. It has a lot of planes and some stuff from moon missions and air force stuff. When I was little some oil from the big plane in the entrance leaked onto a pillow I had when I was sleeping under it on a trip.

🌻 - nebraska is better than iowa but nebraska kinda sucks too so it's not like it matters truthfully.

🌻 - Nebraska has a lot of weather like giant hailstones and tornadoes but Lincoln doesn't get much because it is in a geographic dent so weather tends to weaken over the city. Which is lame. I want lots of snow.

And there we are folks. 69 fucking facts. 58 of which are about Nebraska purely out of spite. I counted.

I am now off to murder my roommate.

(jk but you should expect to be quizzed)

[jeontaeh]

TWENTY FOUR²⁴

✫  ✬  ✭  ✬  ✫

"Psst, Tae!" Jimin called in a whisper, and Taehyung turned around.

"We're the only ones here why're you whispering?" Taehyung whispered back.

"So it feels more like gossip. Anyways, listen!" Jimin snapped, and Taehyung nodded. "I've been counting down the time we've spent awake as days spent back on our planet... and if I've done my calculations right... then today is my birthday!"

"One day in space is like 3 days back in our planet Jimin. Your birthday was, like, 8 days ago." Taehyung said, and Jimin hit him on the head, so Taehyung groaned.

"I mean- happy birthday! Oh my god! How old are you?" Taehyung asked, and Jimin smiled. "21!"

"What?" Taehyung asked, confused. "I thought you were younger than me!"

"I'm not!"

"But you're shorter."

"Since when has height got any correlation with age!"

"If someone's fucking 3'9 they're gonna be, like, 5!"

"That's offensive to dwarves!"

"Shit, you're right. Anyways, happy birthday! Let's go tell the other boys so we can get you cake." Taehyung said, and Jimin nodded with a smile. They both got up, and then Taehyung grabbed Jimin and hugged him really tight.

Jimin let out a squeal of laughter, trying to push him off. "Do you think we should give you birthday spankings, Jimin?" Taehyung said in batman's voice into his ear, and Jimin started laughing harder, wriggling in his hold.

"Ew, let go of me you weirdo!" Jimin giggled, pushing Taehyung off.

"Nope, now you're definitely getting spankings-" Taehyung started, as a joke, grabbing Jimin close. Jimin giggled in retaliation, and then they heard a cough.

They both turned their heads and saw Jungkook standing there, eyes wide, red hair messy from just waking up. "W-what're you guys doing?" Jungkook let out, sounding a bit timid.

Taehyung pulled away from Jimin, who was laughing still, walking towards Jungkook. "Nothing! Taehyung was just teasing me 'cause it's my-"

"Whatever." Jungkook mumbled, looking at Taehyung in disbelief before turning around and walking away.

Jimin looked at Taehyung, frowning. Taehyung shrugged upon seeing the look on Jimin's face, and Jimin sighed. "You have to talk to him."

"No."

"Tae! C'mon, he's clearly hurt by what you said to him-"

"Rip."

"You can't say that!!" Jimin gasped, and Taehyung groaned, covering his face with his hands.

"I know, I know! I tend to distance myself from people when I have to face them with problems!" Taehyung let out, and then Jimin grabbed his arm and dragged him out.

"Yeah well y'know what? It's my birthday, which means you have to do whatever I say-"

"Since when?" Taehyung snapped, and Jimin let his arm go, looking at him.

"Since, like, ever? It's an unwritten rule of birthdays, what do you mean 'since when'?" Jimin snapped, and Taehyung frowned.

"I never got what I wanted on my birthday! Actually that's probably 'cause my birthday is on new year's eve. Every year I thought we had parties because of me, nope! They were for new year's. That ruined my childhood a lot because my father didn't care-"

"Did you have the truth serum soda?" Jimin asked, and Taehyung nodded.

Jimin walked up to Taehyung and then punched him in the face.

"Ow!" Taehyung said aloud, covering his eye. Jimin's eyes widened.

"Shit! Did that hurt?"

"Yeah, you just fucking punched me in the eye!" Taehyung snapped, pressing his fingertips to his eyelid.

"I didn't mean to hurt badly! I-I just.. wanted to punch you in the eye. Jin said that helps rid the affect of the truth serum." Jimin said with a gulp.

Jimin punched Taehyung again, and now Taehyung covered both of his eyes, groaning aloud, falling onto the floor.

"Why the-" Taehyung started, rolling over in pain. "-fuck did you have to punch me twice?"

"Jin punched me twice too!"

"Jin fucking scammed you! These punches don't do shit, he just wanted to beat your ass!" Taehyung snapped, and then Jimin ran into the kitchen. He looked into the fridge, and then groaned.

"There's no icepacks!"

"Get some ice then!"

"There's no ice!"

"Get something cold!"

"Fuckin-" Jimin started, taking out a frozen chicken, and then screamed and flung it at Taehyung.

"Jimin did you just throw raw frozen chicken at me?!" Taehyung shouted, and Jimin walked up to him, wiping his fingers on Taehyung's shirt.

"Sorry! Sorry, oh my god! It's just disgusting to hold it, I'm vegan."

"No the fuck you're not I literally saw you chow down a turkey sandwich for breakfast!" Taehyung said, and then Jimin crouched down in front of him.

"Listen I tried going vegan but it fucking sucks, okay? I didn't know meat came from animals!" Jimin said, and Taehyung made a confused face, to which Jimin sighed.

"Shut up! It's my birthday so you can't be mean! Anyways, let's go." Jimin said, helping Taehyung up and helping him walk to the dining room.

Jungkook was sitting in the dining room with Jin, both discussing something. "Listen Jungkook, that's not true. It can't be true." Jin said.

"It is, Jin! I saw it with my own two eyes!"

"You saw a rat with six legs?"

"Yes! They exist!"

"Jungkook I'm pretty sure that was a spider," Taehyung snickered, and Jungkook looked at him, mumbling whatever under his breath.

Taehyung looked to the side and saw Jungkook looking at him angrily, and then looking away, scrunching his face into a small angry pout. Taehyung sat down beside him.

"Hey Kook," Taehyung said softly, and he saw Jungkook's fingers twitch a little. "You okay?"

"I'm fine." Jungkook snapped, getting up from his seat and then walking out.

"Doesn't sound fine." Jimin snickered, and Jin got up and walked out, sighing.

Jin walked up to Jungkook, who was walking away hastily. "What's wrong cherry?"

Jungkook stopped in his steps, and so did Jin. "Why's there chicken on the floor?"

They both looked at the raw chicken on the floor for a few seconds, and then just stepped over it and continued walking.

"Talk to me, Kook. You seem out of it since last night," Jin insisted, and Jungkook looked at him.

"Did you see them?" Jungkook snapped, and Jin frowned. "Taehyung and Jimin!"

"What about them?" Jin asked, and Jungkook looked at Jin with annoyance. "Taehyung had two hickeys under his eyes!"

Jin paused for a little, and then let out a sigh. "Kook I'm pretty sure those were bruises-"

"I know what a hickey looks like! A-and- Jimin probably gave him it." Jungkook grumbled.

"Woah, Jimin's asexual. You know what that means, right?" Jin asked, and Jungkook looked at him angrily.

"Yes, I know what that means, I'm not that dumb! But who knows, maybe he was lying or something. And- and just wanted my Taehyungie." Jungkook snapped, and Jin's eyebrows rose.

"Your..Taehyungie?"

Jungkook blushed, looking away. "I-I didn't mean that. I just meant Taehyung. I don't know why I said that." Jungkook mumbled.

Jin gave him a small smile. "You really like him, huh?"

"No. I hate him! I hate him and his stupid silver hair and silver eyes and blue blood! I hate him!" Jungkook snapped, and then stomped his foot. "I-I hate him, Jin. I hate him b-because he made me think that he likes me b-but he doesn't and likes Jimin!" Jungkook said angrily, voice cracking in the end.

Jin sighed. "Jungkook, Taehyung doesn't like Jimin." Jin said, and Jungkook looked at him with darkened eyes.

"Easy for you to say when you have someone that likes you!" Jungkook snapped, and then walked away and towards his bedroom, slamming the door shut behind him.

Jin sighed, rolling his eyes wildly. He turned around and walked to the dining room, where he saw the rest of the boys. Taehyung was holding two glasses of cold orange juice against his eyes.

"Happy birthday Jimin!" Hoseok said loudly, walking in behind Jin. Jimin smiled at him, and got his hair ruffled by the other boy.

"Is Kook alright?" Taehyung asked Jin, who sighed, shaking his head. Before he could speak, Jimin got up.

"I'll go talk to him," Jimin said, and Jin looked at him with slight hesitation."I-I don't think that's the best idea-"

"It's fine, Jin. Chill." Jimin chuckled, and then walked out the dining room and towards Jungkook's room. Jimin opened the bedroom door and walked in and then got a pillow thrown at his face.

"Woah-" Jimin let out, looking at Jungkook who was sitting on his bed, looking at the window outside.

"G-go away." Jungkook sniffled, and Jimin frowned, picking up the pillow and walking inside his room.

"Hey cherry-pop. What's wrong?" Jimin asked softly, walking up to the younger who was still looking away. When Jimin got closer, was when he saw the tears in his eyes.

"Nothing. I'm f-fine." Jungkook squeaked, and Jimin sat down beside him. "Clearly not, Kookie." Jimin said with a small chuckle, and Jungkook continued looking away.

"Listen, Kooks. I don't want to elaborate, and it's not really my place to say. But what Taehyung did.. it's for your own benefit. I promise it is." Jimin said, and Jungkook snapped his head towards him, glowering.

"My benefit, or yours?" Jungkook snapped, and Jimin frowned.

"What?"

"Don't act dumb, Jimin. You don't need to come in here with your false apologies and fake smiles. I know what's going on." Jungkook grumbled, and Jimin hesitated at his anger.

"Okay, I really don't want to anger you further, nor ruin my own day. So I'd really like if you could come out and eat some cake with all of us, since it's my bir-"

"I'd really like if you could stop stealing Taehyung from me!" Jungkook snapped, getting up, startling Jimin.

Jimin looked at him with widened eyes, and Jungkook only continued. "I-I saw you talking a-about hiding your- your relationship from me! B-because you two are j-just assholes who- who decided to fuck with me!" Jungkook said angrily, voice cracking, clearly fragile.

"What? Oh god, Jungkook, no! Me and Taehyung aren't together! I'm ace, I thought you knew that! I'm not into dating people, especially not Taehyung-" Jimin started, and Jungkook scoffed.

"Yeah, right. You probably just made that up to make me think that you and Taehyung weren't-"

"Watch it, Jeon." Jimin snapped, standing up, taking Jungkook aback. "When you're angry, you say some dumbass shit like that bigoted comment you made towards Taehyung last time. So if I were you, I'd shut the fuck up real quick." Jimin growled, and Jungkook cowered his head.

Jungkook gulped. "I-I didn't mean to-"

"Of course you didn't mean to, Jungkook. But you still do and say dumb shit." Jimin said angrily, frowning. "And maybe if you realised that, Taehyung wouldn't break up with you!"

Jungkook flinched at that, and Jimin's breath hitched, realising he went a little far. Jungkook nodded his head, and Jimin just sighed to himself, turning around to walk away.

Jungkook, thinking Jimin left, started crying, sitting down on his bed. He felt this ache in his heart all day, and he didn't know if it was because of Taehyung or high cholesterol, so just ignored it.

But now, he couldn't. It overwhelmed him, flooding his senses like water pouring off melted snow. He heard voices around him, all of them melding into a singular, washing into white noise.

He didn't hear the door open and footsteps barge in. Didn't hear the flurry of confused voices and frightened faces. "Jungkook? Oh god-" Namjoon let out, walking up to him and placing his hand on his shoulder.

Jungkook cried harder, not even realising how hard he was crying, holding onto his bedsheets with his fists, bawling into them, not able to think, or speak, or breathe. Everything was turning black, all he could see through his blurred vision now, was a grey blur walking up to him quickly, and then crouching down.

"Oh no," He heard a voice, crisp clear, standing out from the white noise and darkness. "Baby-"

Jungkook fell into strong arms, felt them wrap around his waist. Heard footsteps walk out and the door close again, until it was just him and the arms holding him in his room. Just him and Taehyung.

Jungkook cried into his chest, and Taehyung held him tightly, rocking him back and forth, breathing in his soft scent in the crevice of his neck.

"Sshh.. it's okay. It's okay, you're okay." Taehyung whispered, and Jungkook continued crying, feeling that heavy pain in his heart drizzling away.

Finally, Jungkook could see again, and felt the pang in his stomach upon seeing familiar grey eyes. He didn't know why he was feeling this way, but fell forward, pressing his forehead against Taehyung's.

"T-Tae-" Jungkook let out, and Taehyung held him tighter, squeezing him in his hold. "T-Taehyung-"

"Don't cry, baby. We don't cry, do we?" Taehyung said softly, and the strong rigidity of his voice calmed Jungkook down. Jungkook shook his head, and Taehyung traced his waist with his thumbs.

"See, there's your pretty honey eyes." Taehyung whispered, and Jungkook sniffled, finally the tears stopping.

Jungkook looked at him for a few seconds, and didn't feel any words leaving his lips, just hid his blushing face in Taehyung's hair, not knowing why he had this breakdown, nor knowing how Taehyung took him out of it.

Taehyung held him tight, letting Jungkook hug him and regain his sense for a few seconds. Taehyung knew exactly what happened, but pretended like he didn't. Not for a little. For a little, he pretended everything was normal.

"D-don't g-go." Jungkook squeaked, and Taehyung closed his eyes, hearing the thud of Jungkook's heartbeat loud in his ears.

"I won't." Taehyung whispered back, knowing the entire universe was outside the spaceship, but still felt like he was holding all of his in his arms.

✫  ✬  ✭  ✬  ✫

https://jeontaeh.tumblr.com/post/647228613246205952/twenty-five%C2%B2%E2%81%B5

[bazypitchandsimonsnow]

Missed Moments with You

Rating: M

Genre: Fluff/Angst

Word Count: 14353

Summary: Almost six months after Baz drunkenly stumbled back into Simon's life, they're still together and happy. Well, mostly. It'd be great if they had more time together, but work keeps getting in the way. Can their relationship survive their real lives?

Read on AO3

Sequel to “Back to Haunt Me”

AN: HAHAHAHAHA I DID IT BITCHES!!!! I FINALLY FINISHED A FIC AFTER MONTHS OF ILLNESS AND WRITER'S BLOCK!!!! Seriously, I could not do ANYTHING for so long. But I was finally able to do this! Big thanks to @carryonmylovelies for all her help and encouragement. She is the best.

Sadly, I couldn't get this to fit into any of my requests. I will try to get to those, I promise. My brain is just not functioning at full capacity and really hasn't for awhile. Hope you enjoy this one tho :)

Disclaimer: I am not a teacher or a psychiatrist. Most of my knowledge comes from being a student and a therapy/psychiatry patient, plus a little research online. This is not meant to be a super duper accurate representation of either. Dramatic License was taken.

———————————————

Simon

Even though it’s soft, I still hear the door close. It’s not like I have super ears. I’ve just been sleeping lightly, trying to stay up until Baz comes back. I hear him quietly take off his ugly shoes, walk towards the room, and open the door. I stay still as he flops down next to me and gets under the blanket. He lazily throws an arm over my side, long nose pressed against my neck. I love when he does this, wraps himself around me. Baz makes me feel so happy.

“Hey,” I say, barely a whisper. “How was the hospital?”

Baz’s groan reverberates down my skin. “Nearly punched a patient’s father in the face.”

“Sounds like the usual.”

“Mhm. Just another day and night at University College Hospital.” He tosses his leg over mine. Sometimes I swear he wants to bloody climb me. “You should be asleep, Snow, it’s late.”

“You’re up.”

“Because I’m a medical resident and my hours are completely insane. You’re allowed the luxury of a mostly normal sleep schedule, take advantage of it.”

I grab his hand over my stomach, weaving our fingers together. “I like waiting for you.”

“Mm.” He nuzzles closer and holds me tighter, then presses a soft kiss behind my ear. I’m in heaven. “Sap.”

“Always.” I kiss the back of his hand. “We should both sleep now, love.”

“Yeah,” he mumbles. “Night, love.”

I close my eyes, finally sinking into sleep as my wonderful, exhausted boyfriend holds me tight.

———————————————

I’m woken up by my alarm blaring shitty hair metal at top volume. Baz lets out a loud groan into my shoulder.

“Why do you play that rubbish?” he growls. “Why not some nice classical?”

“Because this rubbish wakes me up.” I reluctantly extract myself from Baz’s lovely arms. I hear him roll onto his stomach and spread out in a starfish on my bed. He loves cuddling with me, but he also likes to stretch out his long limbs. I grab my glasses, returning my ability to see properly, then turn around to look at him, and my mouth drops open.

“Baz!” I shout. “You climbed into my bed in your fucking scrubs again!?”

Baz lifts his head slightly and pulls at his light blue scrubs, eyebrows pulled together. “Hm, looks like I did.”

“They’re filthy!”

“No.” He flops back down, face smushed into my pillow. “I washed them yesterday. There’s just a bit of dried blood on my trouser leg. No sick or spinal fluid this time.”

I shake my head, but it’s with a smile. “I can’t believe my neat freak former roommate has developed such low standards of cleanliness.”

Baz makes an annoyed grunting sound before sinking further into my bed. I chuckle and press a kiss to his hairline. He’s already asleep again.

I grab my bathrobe and go into the kitchen, a smile on my face. It’s been five months since Basilton Pitch drunkenly wandered his way back into my life. I never imagined we would see each other again, let alone start dating. But it’s been pretty great. Baz is so much more than I thought he was. I already knew he was brilliant, but he’s also hilarious and kind and utterly amazing. I’m happier with him, and I think Baz is happier with me too.

The only problem is exactly what Baz warned me about when we started dating; he’s insanely busy. The hospital has him on a weird, inconsistent schedule. He’ll sometimes work for over twelve hours then collapse for an entire day afterwards. If that wasn’t hard enough, when this started, I didn’t factor in my own job. Very dumb, considering what I do. When I’m not teaching, I’m usually grading or writing lesson plans, so it’s not like I have a lot of free time either. We once went two and a half weeks without seeing each other. It was awful, but both of us understood. Still missed him though. I miss him a lot. In nearly six months, we’ve been on three proper dates. It’s not that I like fancy dinners and shit, I just like being with Baz. I wish we could be together more.

I stop to give Cherry her morning pet and wet food. She purrs under my hand. Then I make myself instant coffee, the ambrosia of primary teachers, and toaster waffles. I leave some for Baz to heat up later. He has pretty refined tastes, but no one can resist toaster waffles. He’ll probably be up to eat them around noon, when we’ll Skype chat while I have lunch at school. It’s my favourite part of the day. I want it to happen more often.

The phone ringing breaks me out of my lovesick melancholy. Penny’s grinning face stares back at me. I quickly pick it up. “Hey, Pen.”

“Hey Si,” she says, voice crackling slightly. “How’s it going?”

“It’s going alright. Just making myself some shit coffee and toaster waffles.”

“I’m a bit horrified your breakfast habits haven’t changed since uni.”

I scoff very self righteously. “Neither have yours. Last time I visited, you were stuffing your face with pop tarts.”

“You have no proof of that.” I can feel Penny’s glare from across the bloody Atlantic.

“No,” I chuckle. “I guess I don’t. Oh, I did almost get video proof of Baz wolfing down two Big Macs. He finished just after I got my phone out, it was amazing.”

“Ha! Get a video of it when it happens next time, then show me that and I’ll owe you a pint.”

“I’ll try next time we go out.” I slump a little in my chair.  “If we go out...”

Penny sighs in a particular way. It’s the one she uses when she knows I’m down and wants to bring me back up. “Baz still working those long shifts, huh?”

“Yeah, so he’s tired a lot. And our schedules have trouble syncing up. It really sucks and it’s not like either of us have a choice in it, especially him. But still it...it’s like- I just-”

“Part of you doesn’t give a shit about work, you just want to be together more.”

I sink further on the chair, so much so I fear I’m going to melt into the vinyl. “Kinda, yeah. Does that...does that make me a bad boyfriend and person?”

“No, no, absolutely not, Simon. It makes you a normal person who desires their partner.”

“Okay, yeah, sure, but Baz warned me about his job. He told me that he would have insane hours and it would make having a relationship really hard. I told him it was okay, that we would make it work, so I can’t get mad now, right?”

“You’re allowed to be upset that you don’t get to see your boyfriend as much as you wish you could.”

“I guess, yeah.” I shove half a toaster waffle in my mouth. It marginally helps. “I don’t know what to do, Pen. I can’t ask Baz to cut his hours, it’ll mess up his degree and piss off the doctors cause they’ll say he’s ‘not being dedicated’, which is a load of bollocks but it’ll happen. And it’s not like I can change when I work. There doesn’t seem to be a solution.”

Penny sighs. “I don’t know what to tell you, Si. There’s no easy way to deal with this. I think you just have to talk things out.” I groan heavily. “Yeah, I know, you hate talking. But can you think of anything else?”

“No,” I grumble. “Save for just shagging him senseless so we can both let off some nervous stress.”

“Sex doesn’t fix everything.”

“Well, no, but it would be nice to try it period.”

“You two still haven’t slept together?!” she says far too loudly. I hope Micah isn’t home. God, that would be embarrassing. “It’s been months!”

“I know,” I groan, “but we’ve both been busy and tired, especially Baz. Mostly we’ve just been snogging, which is awesome. Baz is a great kisser.”

“Too much information, Si.”

“Sorry, sorry. I like kissing, I’d just like to do...other stuff too.”

“Which is perfectly understandable, and the only way it’s going to ever happen is if you figure out where to go in your relationship. And that’s only going to happen by  talking about it and working something out that both of you can live with.”

I eat another toaster waffle. Again, helps a little, not enough. “That’s hard.”

“And necessary if you want to keep this relationship.” There’s a short pause and I try to speak before Penny interrupts me. “You definitely do want to keep it, right?”

My leg jerks so hard I nearly knock my coffee over. “Of course I do! Baz is kind and amazing and funny and brilliant and I fucking lo-”

We both go silent. I put a hand over my mouth. Holy shit, I can’t believe I almost said that. I haven’t even thought about it before, until now. (Typical, I don’t figure it out until I’m right in the middle of shit.) I mean, I’ve thought about it in a sort of abstract, future way. But not right now, not after only five months together when we spent seven years apart and an equal amount of time hating each other. Could I really be in love already?

“Shit, really?” Penny whispers. “You love him?”

I bite my nails, something I haven’t done since second year of uni. “Uh, I guess, maybe. I don’t know. It’s way too soon and I’m not exactly that experienced in love. I don’t think I can say for sure of anything...”

“Okay. What can you say for sure then?”

“Well,” I stop chewing on my nails, “I know I care about Baz. I enjoy being around him. And I really, really,  really  like him.”

“Is that okay with you?”

“Yeah, I can deal with that.”

“Good, stick with that, don’t jump too far. Figure out where you two stand before you start talking about love.”

“Yeah,” I sigh, “you’re right.”

“Of course I am.”

I scoff and roll my eyes, similar to Baz. I’m picking a lot up from him, “I know, I know.” My eyes catch the clock. “Oh shit, I’ve got to go right now. If I’m late my kids are going to destroy the classroom.”

Penny snorts. “The trials of a parent of thirty two children.”

“Exactly. Talk to you later, Pen, love you.”

“Love you too, Si, bye!”

The phone clicks off, leaving me hopelessly alone with my thoughts. So, I want to be around Baz more. That’s reasonable, he’s my boyfriend. But neither of us can be around more because of our beloved jobs. I’m going to have to find some solution. But not right now because I’m going to be very, very late. I rush out the door with only the thoughts of the tube schedule on my mind.

———————————————

“Lishie, no,” I say, taking the marker from her hand, “that’s a shared class writing utensil, you can’t chew on it.”

Lishie pouts at me, blinking her big brown eyes. “But Mr. Snow,” she whines.

“None of that, please. If you must chew on something, please use your own pencil.” I lean down to look at her drawing of a castle. “This is your favourite place, huh?”

“Yeah.” She points at her lovely pink palace. “This is my Lishie only place. It keeps my brother out and shoots lasers at bad guys.”

I nod with a big smile. “Both are very important. Nice work.” I turn to Zahir. His drawing is of a beautiful shoreline with a fiery sunset. “And what place is this?”

“It’s the view from my grandparent’s house,” he chirps.

“It looks lovely, Zahir, good job.”

I stand up and check the other kids. They’re all doing wonderfully. I help where needed, handing them markers and giving colour suggestions. Luckily the kiddos are being good today. I don’t think I can handle their particular brand of tornado like insanity right now.

“Mr. Snow, look what I did!” I lean down to Harrison’s level. His picture is of himself with his two Mums holding hands under an abundance of trees.

“It’s amazing, Harry,” I say. “Where are you three in this picture?”

“We’re at the camping ground where my Mums met. They got married at the lake last year. We go there every summer break.”

“Aw, that’s very sweet.”

“Are you married, Mr. Snow?” Rosanne calls out. I hate mean nicknames. They’re a dumb bullying tactic. At the same time though, “Nosey Rosie” is occasionally apt. Not that I’d ever say that out loud, of course.

“No, I’m not married, Rose,” I say calmly.

“Do you have a girlfriend?”

The kids start muttering and giggling. I sigh, shaking my head. “No, I don’t have a girlfriend either. But my love life is none of your business, munchkins.”

“A boyfriend?” Liza shouts. “My mum said you probably have a boyfriend.”

I sigh and rub my temple. Well, while her mother is correct, the beautiful and single Ms.Thorn has also made many advances on me. I suppose me being gay rationalises my kind rejections of her. I believe she needs to get over herself.

“No, I don’t have a boyfriend.” I hate lying to the kids, but I’m not going to talk about my relationship with them. “Again, my love life is personal.”

Thandi gasps, and leans over to Riya beside her. Her tone suggests a whisper, but her volume shows she absolutely means to be heard. “What if Mr. Snow has a  secret girlfriend or boyfriend?”

They all start chattering away with big grins on their faces. I sigh heavily. There is nothing ten year olds love more than gossiping, especially about their teachers. I’ve caught my munchkins talking about if the football coach and year 11 science teacher are together. (They aren’t. Both Coach Markova and Mr. Saadia have been married for over twenty years. Their husbands are wonderful friends.) I don’t want to become the next rumour on the playground.

“Okay, hush up all of you,” I say loudly. They all quiet down. “It’s not appropriate to discuss my personal life, so you’re going to stop right now, understand?”

“Yes, Mr. Snow,” they reply all at once in a shamed, slightly annoyed tone. It’s one I’m extremely familiar with.

“Good. Now go back to your drawings, or we’ll start the maths worksheets early.”

They all gasp, then go back to drawing. I hear whispers about normal things, like Power Rangers and Disney movies. I sigh and return to my desk, leaning back in the chair. Honestly, even if I did want to answer the kids, I wouldn’t be sure what to say. I do have a boyfriend officially, but I barely see him. Twice a week at best. It’s not his fault, he tries his best. I fuck up more than him honestly. I just wish we could be...more boyfriends? That doesn’t make sense.

My pocket buzzes and I pull out my phone. I’m not supposed to use it during class hours, but the kids are working right now, it’s fine. The text is from Baz. My pulse speeds up like it does every time. But when I open it, my heart drops instead.

Baz [13:40] Hey love. So sorry but I can’t come over tonight. Need to pick up an extra shift. I promise I’ll make it up to you ❤️

I sigh heavily, trying to suppress the disappointment and hurt. It’s not his fault, he’s doing his best. We’ll figure something out. Right?

Simon [13:41] it’s alright love we’ll find another time

Baz [13:41] ❤️

———————————————

“No, no, hold the rock like this.” Baz adjusts my grip. I love his fingers, long and elegant. If he wasn’t a doctor, I think he would make an incredible pianist.

“How does the way I hold the rock change anything?” I ask.

“It helps you get the right angle to skip it.”

I frown in confusion. “I thought the rock’s shape helped with that.”

“Both help. So,” he guides my arm back, “let’s try.”

Baz’s callused fingers caress my bare skin. I let out a shaky breath. God, I shouldn’t get this hot and bothered from Baz just touching me. I’m not some horndog, I can wait for sex. The pent up tension is just...getting to me a bit.

“Now flick it, Snow,” Baz says.

I fling the stone forward. It flies over the pond, sending ripples across the aquamarine water. The stone nearly reaches the other side before finally dropping. I’m grinning ear to ear. When I turn around, Baz is too.

“Wonderful job, love.” He presses a kiss to my temple. “I knew you could do it.”

God, I’m going to melt into a puddle. I peck his lips softly. “Thanks for showing me, love.”

He kisses me back, a bit firmer. I would snog the life out of him right now if we weren’t in the middle of Regent’s Park, apparently a popular relaxation spot for UCLH. We’re surrounded by nurses chatting, residents resting, and doctors smoking cigarettes. (Baz says doctors truly have the least regard for their own health.) We sadly pull apart and take a seat on a bench. I put my head on his strong shoulder, and he throws his arm around me.

“How were psych rounds today?” I ask.

“Awful,” he groans. “Mr. Teversham still refuses to take his medication, and Mx. Joseph is fighting therapy at every turn.”

“Hm, well, you expected this. Any ideas?”

“Mx. Joseph needs to be in therapy without  knowing they're in therapy. Mr. Teversham needs to be sedated so he can’t yell at me anymore.”

I snort. “Not sure that’s legal.”

“It’s not, but one can dream. Both probably need adjustments in their medications but that would affect serotonin levels too much at this delicate stage of treatment.”

“Mm, that sucks. Anything you could do for now?”

“More group therapy and coping techniques, I suppose. Little else we can do.”

I nod thoughtfully. Honestly, I have no idea what he’s talking about, but I try to be interested. It’s important to him so I do my best. 

He slowly strokes my hair. I lean closer to him. “How’s your work going, love?”

“It’s alright. Kids aren’t being too destructive. Oh, I’ve been working on something else though.”

Baz smiles, pulling me closer. “What’s that?”

“A new scone recipe.”

He lets out a joyous laugh, throwing his head back so far some of his gelled hair gets dislodged. I like the way a few raven strands fall in his face. “You seriously haven’t run out of new ones to try?”

I shrug. “Not yet. Maybe one day.”

“And then you’ll start making your own.”

“Probably.” I throw both arms around his torso, squeezing him tight. “I’ll give them to you to try.”

He chuckles softly. “Well, maybe. I have to stay in good shape to keep up with the other residents, and I can’t mess up what little sleep I have.”

I deflate slightly. Right, he’s gotta watch his health more than me. I should remember that. Bloody hell, I’m a terrible boyfriend. “R-Right. Well, I’ll make something else for you I guess...”

He makes a humming noise, but I can’t tell what it means. I’m horrible at non-verbal cues and unfortunately Baz is still no exception. I want to ask him about being around, about us being together, but the words get all tangled in my throat. I don’t know how to ask him without sounding like a selfish arse. 

(Maybe I am a selfish arse. Maybe I don’t deserve this, deserve him.)

(No no, Simon, stop it, stop with the self deprecation.)

(Even though he is better than me...)

I’m about to open my mouth when two clashing beeps ring out. Baz and I scramble to our phones.

“Fuck,” I groan. “Emergency staff meeting in twenty minutes. I’m gonna need to get a cab.”

“Me too,” Baz sighs. “Dr. Dehnavi wants to talk to me about a new inpatient. I suppose I should be flattered, but I’m more annoyed.”

“We’re both suffering it seems.”

“Apparently.” Baz leans over and pecks my lips. I lean forward, just slightly, asking for more that I can’t have right now. “I’ll text you later, love.”

“Yeah, me too.” We dash off in different directions. The questions I have still hang in my throat, but I put them down for now. Next time. Maybe...

———————————————

Thursday April 21

Baz [06:06] Hi, love. I’m finally done my night shift. We still on for the cafe this afternoon?

Simon [07:01] hey sorry I didn’t get this until now. unfortunately i’ve got some last minute extra tutoring to do with Sasha sorry 

Baz [07:02] It’s alright. You free Friday night?

Simon [07:02] nah got grading ☹️ gotta go to class ttyl!

Baz [07:02] Alright, talk to you later.

———————————————

Sunday April 30

Simon [17:37] hey baz can I come over tonight?

Baz [17:58] Unfortunately not. I’m on call for OBGYN all night. Lots of sitting with tiny sick babies in the NICU...

Simon [18:05] fuck that doesn’t sound fun at all ☹️

Baz [18:06] Absolutely is not. I’ll text you later okay?

Simon [18:06] Okay ❤️

———————————————

Wednesday May 8

Baz [22:24] I miss you

Simon [22:24] I miss you too

———————————————

My phone rings at lunch. Baz’s slightly smiling face looks right back at me. I took the photo one night when we were watching telly. He’s got his hair all piled up in a bun, wearing an LSE sweatshirt. He looks gorgeous, as always. I’m so entranced by the picture that I answer it just before the last ring.

“Hey,” I say. “What’s up?”

“Not much,” Baz replies, sounding extremely tired. (He’s been sounding like that more and more lately.) “How’s your day been?”

“Not too bad. Joey fired a spitball at me, but I took the straw away pretty quickly.“

“Dear Lord, you teach monsters.”

I chuckle, shaking my head. “Nope, just children, love. They’re naturally nightmares.”

“Don’t have to tell me, Snow, I have four younger siblings.” He sighs, and I can imagine him tilting his head back, hair falling down behind him. It’s a nice image. “Are you free next Friday?”

“Hm, let me check.” I look at my Google calendar, which is filled to the brim with multicoloured event tabs, everything from field trips to when lesson plans need to be done. (I consider the second one more a guideline than a rule.) Friday is surprisingly blank. A grin breaks out across my face. “Yeah, Friday is good. Got something in mind?”

“Well, I finally have a Friday off. So I was thinking we could dress up and go somewhere nice. Somewhere with fine food, candles, a generally romantic atmosphere. Does that sound good to you?”

I can’t help biting my bottom lip like some stupid teenager. I haven’t seen my boyfriend in person in nearly three weeks, sue me. Sure there’s been some texting and calls and Facetimes, but none of that compares to the real thing. I’ve missed how Baz’s long fingers feel between mine, or the way he cups my cheek perfectly when he kisses me. I just want to be with him. And finally we have a chance.

“That sounds very good. And uh...” I take a pause to muscle up courage to say what I really,  really  want to say. “Do you want to go to my place afterwards? And sleep over? But y’know...not sleep?” Baz snorts. My cheeks are probably bright red. I groan and rub my forehead. “Sorry, that sounded dumb. I’m an adult, I should be able to talk about sex openly.”

Baz sighs in his strangely affectionate way. “Well, we both know you’re not the best with words, Snow.”

I chuckle and shrug. “Okay, true. But the message still got across right? What I’m asking? But please don’t feel pressured, I just wanted to ask if we could try...”

“Yes, it definitely did. And I would love to try. I think six months is a long enough wait. And I’m really sorry about that.”

“Don’t blame yourself, love, we’ve both been pretty physically absent. Life has just been nuts for us.”

“Agreed. So it’ll be nice to...unwind a bit.”

My face is absolutely bright red now. A lot of inappropriate thoughts are racing through my head right now. I have to shove them down so my brain doesn’t start dribbling out my ears before I have to go back to teaching.

“I-I would like that a lot too.” And of course the first lunch bell decides to ring just then. I groan loudly. “Fuck, lunch is over. Kids will be back soon. Text you later to set up details?”

“Sounds good. Bye, darling.

“Bye, darling.”

I listen until Baz hangs up, then press my phone to my chest with a sigh. I feel so unbelievably giddy. It’s ridiculous, really, to be this excited about a dinner and (possible) sex. But for some reason, my chest is so full it's about to explode. I want to run around the room, shouting to the heavens that I’m going on a lovely, romantic date with Basilton Grimm-Pitch.

Fuck, maybe I really am love. That’s a terrifying, wonderful thought.

———————————————

“Does my hair look alright?” I tousle it to the left, then to the right, then to the left again. Penny sighs and shakes her head on my screen.

“It looks fine either way. But if you don’t decide soon, you’re going to be late!”

I groan and tighten my tie, trying to see myself in my tiny image in the corner. “I know, I know, I just want this to be perfect.”

“Nothing can be perfect, Si.”

“Yeah, but I can try.” I sigh, buttoning my grey suit jacket. This is the one nice suit I own, and I took great precautions to keep it from getting wrinkled on my way to work. “So much hasn’t gone right or easily in our relationship. I want one thing to not go down the drain.”

Penny nods thoughtfully. “Understandable. Just also be realistic.”

“Yes, I will.” I check my watch (a graduation gift from Penny that goes really well with my suit) and inhale sharply. “Shit, I really do have to go. Bye, Pen!”

She waves with a big, toothy smile. “Bye, Si, good luck!”

“Thank you!”

We press the red button at the same time. I tuck my phone into my jacket, then do a last cursory look at myself. No wrinkles? Check. Dashingly messy hair? Check. “Supplies” for later waiting in my bedside table at home? Absolutely check. Awesome. I’m so bloody excited I could seriously start flying right now.

“M-Mr. Snow?”

My head head whips around at the small, familiar voice. It’s Jeremy, with his wavy brown hair and little freckles. He’s sniffling, wiping his nose and blood shot eyes. I immediately rush forward and get on my knees in front of him.

“Jeremy? What’s wrong? Are you okay?”

He makes a big sniff, more tears falling down his cheeks. “M-My dad was supposed to pick me up outside, but he never came! And Ms. Reinhart tried to call my mum and she’s not answering and I don’t know what to do!”

He breaks out into another sob. He wraps his little arms around my neck, crying into my shoulder. I pat his back, trying to comfort as best I can. Poor kid. I’m unfortunately aware of what Jeremy’s parents are like. This isn’t out of character for them. His dad’s probably off with his college age mistress and his mum is partying late with her friends. From what I know, Jeremy was an accidental teen pregnancy, and now his parents hate each other and resent Jeremy for “ruining” their young lives. (Baz would say something about emotional stunting and projecting and shit.) This is the first time they’ve truly abandoned him though. Poor, poor kid.

“Is there anyone you trust who could come get you?” I ask quietly.

“My aunt,” he sniffles. “But she’s super far away.”

“Okay, where does she live?”

“L-Luton, I think.”

Fuck, he’s not exaggerating. Luton is an hour away on a good day, and it’s the middle of London rush hour. His parents may be able get here before her, but she’s probably much more stable than both of them put together.

“Alright. Do you know her number?”

Jeremy nods and moves off my shoulder. He pulls out a cheap flip phone. One of his parents probably gave it to him for emergencies. That’s one good decision on their part. He then hands it to me. The contact is listed as “Auntie Caroline.” I stand up and press dial, Jeremy still clinging to my leg. It only rings twice before it’s picked up.

“Jeremy?” a seemingly female voice says, sounding utterly frantic. “Are you okay, love?”

“Hi,” I say, “I’m Simon Snow, Jeremy’s teacher. Don’t worry, he’s here with me, he’s safe.”

She lets out a very deep sigh. “Oh thank god. Is there something wrong?”

“Unfortunately, yes. His father was supposed to pick him up but hasn’t shown, and his mother isn’t answering her calls.”

“Those bastards,” she growls. “My brother and his good for nothing wife have already put him through hell, but this just takes the bloody cake!”

“Believe me, I agree with you. Considering our shared opinion, I was hoping you could come pick him up? I know it’s a lot to ask this late and you’re all the way in Luton but-”

“Don't have to ask me twice. I’ll be there as soon as I can. But it’s going to take me an hour, maybe two.”

I think about Baz, about everything we have planned, about every missed connection these past few weeks. But then I look down at Jeremy, who has the most tragic expression I’ve ever laid my eyes upon. I sigh heavily, then put the phone back to my ear.

“Don’t worry, I’ll stay with him at school until you come. Let me give you the address.”

I rattle off the school’s address, my room number, and the best route to get here. She listens raptly, obviously scribbling it all down.

“Alright, got it. Thank you, Mr. Snow, this means so much to me.”

“No problem, see you soon.”

The line clicks off. I get back down in front of Jeremy. “Your aunt is going to be here soon, Jer. Until then, we’re gonna stay here and sit tight. Okay?”

Jeremy nods, wiping away more snot. “O-Okay.”

“Awesome. How about you go sit in the reading corner and I’ll join you in just a sec.”

“Okay.” He throws himself at me, hugging me tight. “Thank you, Mr. Snow.”

I smile and pat his head. “You’re very welcome, Jeremy. Now go read and get your mind off all this.”

He pulls away and runs over to the reading nook, throwing himself into the neon pink bean bag chair. He grabs a Harry Potter book. Good pick, it’s something he’s familiar with. Though I hate to think how much he relates to the way Harry grew up.

I go to my desk on the other side of the room and take my phone out. Baz’s beautiful contact picture stares back at me, and my heart twists painfully. I hate this situation. I hate that I’m doing this again after nearly three bloody weeks of no physical contact. I can only hope he can understand. And forgive me. The other end rings three times. 

“Hey.” Baz’s honey sweet voice is both comforting and painful right now.

“Hey,” I sigh.

“Oh no, that’s not a good ‘hey,’ is it?”

“No, unfortunately, it’s not.” I run a hand through my hair. “Remember Jeremy? One of my kids?”

“Yes, the one with the arsehole parents.”

“Yeah, that’s him. And tonight his parents have really taken the cake. Dad was supposed to be here but is probably off shagging his barely legal mistress, and mum is probably out clubbing and not picking up either.”

“Bloody hell, what a nightmare.”

“Exactly.” I slump into my chair, tugging my tie loose. “His aunt’s coming to pick him up, but...she lives in Luton...”

It’s Baz’s turn to sigh deeply. “And you’re going to have to stay with him until she gets there.”

God, I'm such an arsehole, and a predictable one at that. “I’m so, so sorry, Baz. I really wanted to go out tonight, and I know you don’t get many days off. This is such an out of the blue thing and I can’t just leave him. I promise I’ll make it up to you.”

“It’s alright, Snow, I understand. I’ll hold you to that promise, okay?”

“Please do. I’ll text you later, yeah?”

“That’s good. Bye, love.” The tinge of sadness in Baz’s voice fucking kills me.

“Bye, darling.”

He hangs up, and I hang my head with a quiet groan. I’m such a dickhead. I could’ve left Jeremy with Ms. Reinhart and went on my date, but I know she has a sick mother at home that she takes care of. Then I would have ruined the date by feeling all guilty and shit. I hate that this is probably the best choice.

“Mr. Snow?” I turn to Jeremy. He’s looking at me with a furrowed brow and pout. “Are you okay?”

I shove all my guilt and worry deep down, and put a big smile on my face. “Yeah, I’m good, Jer. Now how about you read some Harry Potter to me? I’d love to hear it.”

A grin breaks out on his face. “Okay.”

I leave my jacket and tie on my desk and stride over to him. I sit in the beanbag next to him. (Of course I didn’t get these things just for the kids.) Jeremy opens the book to his page.

“Chapter 12,” he starts with gusto

And I sit there listening to him for God knows how long. I laugh, make comments, correct his pronunciation when needed. I'm still a teacher after all. Then when the chapter is done, we watch silly animal videos on my laptop. I make sure Jeremy is happy. He deserves that after all of this. He needs to feel safe. I just wish it wasn’t at the sacrifice of Baz getting stood up,  again. God, am I ever going to get to see my boyfriend again? Is the universe ever going to let us have a moment together? I can’t really blame the universe though, I guess. This was my choice. I’m awful. Baz doesn’t deserve this. I don’t deserve him, honestly.

Soon enough, a middle aged woman with long pink and purple hair sticks her head through the door at the other side of the room. “Hello?”

Jeremy grins and drops the book immediately. “Auntie Caroline!”

Caroline grins and catches Jeremy right in her arms, holding him up high. I walk to them but keep a good distance. “Hey munchkin, good to see you. You okay?”

“Yeah, yeah, Mr. Snow stayed with me. We watched kittens!”

“That sounds awesome.” Caroline turns to me. “Thank you so much, Mr. Snow. Is there any way I can repay you?”

I wave my hand. “Don’t worry, no payment is needed. Just glad Jeremy has somewhere to go.

Her face falls slightly. She puts Jeremy down, touching his head. “Can you go get all your stuff, dear?”

“Okay!” Jeremy races off to the cubby area at ten year old speed. It’s a unique phenomenon. Caroline looks at me with a very serious expression.

“Here’s the thing,” she says in a hushed tone, “I’ve been trying to build a custody case for months, but I haven’t been able to get concrete proof of abuse and neglect. This changes things. If my lawyer needs you to, could you please testify at the custody hearing? I know it’s a lot to ask. You’ve already done so much, so if you can’t, I understand-”

“Say no more.” I take a sticky note from my desk and write out my mobile number. “Here. Tell your lawyer they’re free to call me. I’ll do anything to help Jeremy get somewhere safe.”

She sighs and takes the note. “Thank you, Mr. Snow.”

“Please, call me Simon. Only my students have to use my last name so I can pretend I have their respect.”

She chuckles. “Okay, Simon. It’s no wonder Jeremy says you’re his favourite teacher.”

Well, I don’t need an ego stroke (at least that’s what I tell myself), but...it’s nice. I nod with a humble smile. “Good to know.”

Jeremy runs up, wearing his bright red power rangers backpack. “Ready.”

“Awesome. Say goodbye to Mr. Snow.”

Jeremy gives me a big, full arm wave. “Bye bye, Mr. Snow.”

I tousle his hair, making him giggle. “Bye, Jeremy. See you Monday.”

“See you!” He grabs Caroline’s hand and literally skips away with her. Honestly, I’ve never seen him this happy outside of class. He usually hangs his head and slumps off after hanging around in the cubby area for as long as possible. I know the patter well. It's what I used to do before I went to Watford, when I was stuck in shitty group homes. I hope Caroline gets custody. Jeremy deserves to be happy.

Slowly but surely, I collect all my stuff, from my snot covered jacket to my book bag. I look at my phone, and see a few texts from Baz.

Baz [16:56] Hey, just wanted to reassure you that I’m not upset, I understand. I’ll get another day off eventually.

Baz [18:30] I’ve got some takeout, it’s lovely. I’ll save some for you the next time you come over ❤️

Baz [19:18] I’m going to bed soon. Hope Jeremy gets to his aunt’s safe. Good night, love.

I sigh, my heart feeling like a lead balloon. I absolutely need to make this up to him. I’ll figure something out when my brain isn’t so exhausted. For now, I can at least text him back.

Simon [19:23] Sleep well, love. I’ll talk to you in the morning ❤️

Baz doesn’t reply. He’s probably asleep. Probably...

I walk home with my shoulders slumped and feeling like an utter, utter twat.

———————————————

“I’m a dick,” I groan.

“You’re not a dick,” Penny says. “You did the right thing and kept a student safe. That makes you an incredible teacher.”

“And a crap boyfriend.” I throw my cookie dough on the counter a little too hard. It makes an awful splat noise.

“Well, maybe, but Baz has bailed because of his work as well. And he said he understood.”

I grumble as I roll out little balls between my hands. Baking always helps me calm down. Well, usually. Right now I’m close to crushing each one. “Yeah, I guess, but I still feel super bad.”

“Well, take him out on his next day off.”

“Yeah,” I chuckle darkly, “that’ll probably be in about two or three months.”

Penny sighs, sounding just as defeated as I feel. “That fucking sucks. I can’t believe his schedule is really that insane.”

“He works himself to the bone, because he’s a great doctor and he’s going to be a great psychiatrist. It just means we don’t get a lot of time together, but it’s fine.”

“No, it’s not fine. Both of you need to carve out more time for each other. You’re not the only one who is having issues, Si.”

“Yeah, but like, he can’t help but work more. Being a doctor is more demanding than being a teacher. He doesn’t have control of his hours.”

“Neither do you!” She’s practically yelling. “Being a good teacher means going above and beyond for your students. Therefore, you  have to put in extra hours if you want your students to have a great education.”

I make a semi agreement noise. My non-verbal way of saying she may have a point but I don’t like it. “Okay, maybe. But Baz doesn’t deserve to be neglected because of it.”

“Of course he doesn’t, Si, which is why you have to make time for him. And he has to do the same for you if you want this relationship to work.”

“I know you’re right, Pen, I just don’t know how.”

There’s a small pause, and I can imagine Pen stroking her chin like the old scholar she is in spirit. It’s comforting to think of. Penny thinking was a staple of the best parts of my childhood.

“What time is it where you are?” she asks.

I look down at my watch. “Uh, about 11?”

“Good. Finish what you’re baking, bring it to the hospital, surprise Baz with home baked treats. Then see if you can get Baz to go to lunch with you. If not, at least give him something to eat during his insane shift. Try to talk to him or ask him to talk about all this later. Sound doable?”

I’m grinning so wide it threatens to dislodge my earbuds. “Yeah, definitely sounds doable. Thanks, Pen.”

“No problem. Si. Now can I run this new lesson plan by you?”

“Absolutely, go ahead.”

Penny starts rattling off her curriculum points while I throw the cookies in the oven. And for the first time today, I feel good. I feel hopeful. It’s nice. I’ve missed it.

———————————————

UCLH is a towering, intimidating giant of white metal and panes of glass. It’s hard to not feel freaked out looking at it. Anytime I went to the hospital as a kid it was because of a fight at the group home or injuries from particularly awful foster parents. There was never a good reason to be here. Until now, that is.

From what I remember, Baz said he would be on psychiatry today. Problem is, I have no idea where the fuck that is. I can barely navigate my tiny school. This is an entirely different, far more sterile beast. I walk to the front desk where a man with big round glasses and very cool arm tattoos is sitting.

“Hi,” I say cheerily as possible.

“Hello,” he replies with a perfect, pearly white smile and a thick American accent. “How can I help you today?”

“Uh, I’m looking for the psychiatry wing? Specifically for Dr. Grimm-Pitch.”

“Okay. Are you a patient...?

“No, no, I’m his boyfriend. Got some stuff to drop off for him if he’s not too busy.” I hold up the Christmas tupperware filled with raspberry and white chocolate chip cookies. They’re Baz’s favourite.

The man’s eyebrows shoot up. “Oh, you’re Basil’s boyfriend?”

“Yeah, last time I checked,” I chuckle.

“Wow. Nice to finally meet you. I’m Shepard, from Omaha, Nebraska.” 

He holds out his hand, and I of course shake it. “Nice to meet you, Shepard from Omaha, Nebraska. I’m Simon, from uh, Lancashire, I guess.”

“Good too meet you too, man.” He leans his cheek on his hand. “Y’know, Basil has mentioned you exist a couple times, but won’t say anything else no matter how much I beg him.”

I shrug with a smile. “He’s a private person.”

“Yeah, but if I were dating you, I’d be bragging about it.”

Well, now my face must look utterly ridiculous. I’m twenty five years old and blushing from one compliment. “T-Thanks, wow. You’re pretty forward.”

He throws his head back laughing. “Nah, just blunt, man. And way too nosy, at least according to your boyfriend. Says I have some sort of anxiety fueled need to overshare and figure out everything about people."

"That...sounds odd."

Shepard shrugs. "Pretty sure it's made up. Besides, I already have two therapists. Don't need a third one." He laughs, and I laugh along with him. Thought part of me is truly concerned about him. Hope he's okay, he seems nice. "Anyway, I hope Basil is less intense outside of work than here.”

“Most of the time, yeah. He’s got his softer side, just has trouble showing it.”

“Believe it when I see it. Also,” he hands me a pamphlet, “psychiatry is on the fifth floor. Take the south elevator up and turn to the right. Basil should be at the front desk. Said he had patient files to sort all day.”

“Awesome, thanks.” I take out a cookie and hold it out to him. “Here, you can have this, unless you’re allergic to berries, gluten, or dairy.”

“Nope. I will happily take that.” He plucks it from my hand. “Thanks, man. Tell Basil I say hi, and I still have his pen.”

“Will do, thanks!”

He waves me off with half the cookie already in his mouth. Interesting guy. I may have to come back to talk to him more.

I follow Shepard’s instructions as best I can. Though I get lost trying to find the elevators,  twice. The halls twist and turn and loop back in on themselves. Seriously, who designed this hospital, Willy Wonka? Eventually I finally make it to the elevators and suffer in the sanitizer smelling tube for five floors. The psychiatry floor itself isn’t too bad, just kind of bland. Lots of blank grey walls and inoffensive paintings of scenic nature. And it’s pretty straight forward compared to the first floor. I just have to walk down the hall, turn at the “front desk” sign, and there will be-

I freeze in place. There’s Baz, with some redheaded guy leaning on his desk.

“Come on, Basil, you can’t be serious,” he says in a smooth, beautiful voice. “I’d totally shag Dr. Mayer over Dr. Dehnavi. Mayer has such polished charm.”

“Hm, I prefer a more ruggish look,” Baz replies with a half smile. “And Dehnavi gets that wonderful five o’clock shadow after a day of rounds.”

“True, very true. Not so hot when he’s yelling about oral board prep.”

Baz lets out a laugh, shaking his head. Wisps of black hair fall in his face. He looks at the redhead with a sly smile. “Well, I haven’t gotten to that point yet. But I do get an earful about SSRI dosage levels.”

“Oh lord, you’re giving me baby doctor flashbacks, stop. I’m scared Dr. D is going to be on the other side to yell our asses into submission.” 

They laugh together, and redhead moves closer to Baz, their hands nearly touching. My heart drops to the ground and burrows into the centre of the fucking Earth.

Baz looks at ease, content, and most of all, this guy seems to understand what the hell he’s talking about. Definitely more than I ever have. And he’s super bloody attractive. And he’s there, like I haven’t been. Fuck. Deep down, I thought this was going to happen, but it’s still ripping me apart. Baz has found someone better. I’m just the stupid poor orphaned kid he had a crush on in school. Now he’s gotten those old feelings out of his system and he’s found someone, another doctor no less, who can easily be a better boyfriend. Bloody hell, I’m about to cry. I need to go, right now.

I quietly and quickly get away. Going back through the hospital is a blur. And not just because my eyes are filled with tears and fogging up my glasses. My brain is a jumbled, heartbroken mess that can’t focus on anything. I think Shepard waves at me as I walk past but I can’t bring myself to respond right now. I don’t stop moving until I throw myself into my car, tossing the cookies on the front seat.

Finally, I have to stop. And worse I have to think. So, Baz has found a new guy. Some pretty red haired doctor who makes him laugh with doctor humour and probably doesn’t bail. He’s probably going to break up with me today. I should just break up with him, save him the hassle...

I’m gripping the steering wheel so hard my knuckles are white. My cheeks are raw from wiping tears away. I think about losing Baz, losing a chance to make things better, and it's the worst pain I've ever felt. A small part of me thought that maybe Baz was it. That he was the person I could actually, possibly spend the rest of my life with. Maybe it was a stupid thought. I was so stupid.

My head falls forward, forehead pressed against the wheel. And I just cry.

———————————————

I’ve called in sick for a week. I’ve never called in for that long, not once in my teaching career. But I can’t get off my couch, let alone leave my flat. I’ve been laying here for days, surrounded by takeaway wrappers, watching old Dr. Who episodes, cuddling Cherry nonstop. Penny is probably worried about me but I haven’t really been using my phone. I’ve tried to call Baz a few times, but always hang up before it starts dialing. I know I should just rip off the band-aid already. But I’m a coward, I guess. I’ll just lay here, waiting for Baz to call me and finally dump me. Every time I think about it, I still cry a little.

The phone rings and my heart gets so tight I can hardly breathe. Fuck, this is it. I slowly lift it up. But it’s not Baz’s photo I see, or Penny’s. Rather, it’s Agatha’s, grinning with her soft California tan. I press talk right away.

“Hello?” I say

“Oh thank god,” Agatha sighs, “you’re alive. We were all sure you’d been in a horrible accident or something!”

“Um, no, I’m fine, just a little under the weather.”

“Then why haven’t you been answering your fucking texts, you arse?!”

I move the phone away from my ear slightly to avoid hearing loss. “I told you, I’ve been sick. Haven’t felt like responding...”

“Okay, that excuse could work on Baz or even Penny, but I’m not buying it. Cut the crap, Simon, what’s wrong?”

I sigh, running a hand over my face. Well, she’s here, and I’m too tired to make up another lie. “Baz is breaking up with me.”

“What?!” I move the phone again. Agatha is going to make me go partially deaf in one phone call. “That dickhead! I- Wait, what do you mean is?”

“Well, uh...he hasn’t dumped me yet...”

Agatha takes a pause. I can imagine her expression right now. Probably a lot of confusion mixed with disbelief. “Okay, please explain this to me, because I’m so lost.”

I sit up, scratching the back of my neck. “Well, um, Baz and I have been having issues meeting up for the past month. Things kept happening. Baz had this wonderful date planned after three weeks of not seeing each other. But then a kid from my class needed someone to stay with him because his stupid parents wouldn’t show up and we had to wait for someone else. So I cancelled and Baz said he understood but I still felt awful. Then the next day I was going to bring him cookies to say sorry, but when I got there, I saw him chatting with this redhead doctor. And I realised Baz had found someone better. Hoped it wouldn't happen but yeah, he’s going to break up with me. Just waiting for him to call or come over. I’d do it myself but I’m too much of a wimp.”

There’s a long drawn out silence. The only sounds are the California waves on Aggie’s end and Cherry meowing for attention on mine. More than ever, I wish I was a mind reader. I want to know what’s going through her head. It’s probably less muddled than mine.

“Simon,” she says slowly, “I need you to know that I’m only saying this because I love you very, very much. This all comes from a place of caring.”

“Uh...okay?” Now I really need to know what’s in her head. But I think I’m about to find out.

Agatha takes a few deep breaths, and then, well...explodes. “You absolute, goddamn fucking numpty! You’re seriously throwing away objectively the best relationship you’ve ever had because you saw him chit chatting with some redheaded twat!? For Christ’s sake, Simon, this is beyond idiotic and self destructive!”

“Hey I-”

“Shush, Simon!” I shut my mouth. “I get you have some serious self esteem issues, Si, but what happened to acknowledging and dealing with them? You are not a warm body for Baz until he finds someone ‘better.’ He’s been pining after you since bloody Watford and being with you is his dream come true. I know because he’s told me so!”

My cheeks flush a little. “R-Really?”

“Yes, really! He adores you, Si, he thinks you hung the bloody moon. In no world would he just up and dump you!”

“I-I mean, yeah, but like, I’ve been an awful boyfriend lately. I wouldn’t blame him if he did...”

“You really think Basilton Pitch, king of overthinking and future psychiatrist, would dump you without first trying to talk?”

“Um, well, I can see your point.”

“Good. I promise you, Simon, he doesn’t want to break up with you. But if you don’t talk to him soon, it may be too late. So get your arse in gear and get your guy. Or I’ll come from all the way across a continent and an ocean just to smack you upside the head.”

I chuckle softly. Huh, this is the first time that’s happened in awhile. Feels good to laugh. “Okay, will do. Thank you, Ags.”

“You’re very welcome, Si. Please send me an update later so I know you’re okay? And Penny too so she doesn’t blow a gasket.”

“I promise. Talk to you later?”

“Talk to you later, Simon. Bye.”

“Bye.”

The second my phone is off, I jump up. I’m invigorated with new energy, both happy and terrified. I may have just ruined the best thing that’s ever happened to me because I’m insecure as fuck. I’ve got to fix it. Before it’s too late.

I pick up all the takeaway containers at lightning speed. They don’t all fit into my trash though (God that’s sad), so I have to get a new trash bag. At least I don’t have a depression nest anymore. That’s a good start. Next step, I run to the shower. I smell fucking ripe. No way I can apologize while smelling like the bottom of a McDonald’s dumpster. Thank every god that I still have some hot water left. I scrub quickly and furiously until I stop feeling so gross.

I jump out and go to my room. Unfortunately, I haven’t done my laundry in a week either. The only things I have are a baggy pair of jeans and one of Baz’s shirts. It’s soft cream with flower buds on it. For all his dark brooding, Baz has a thing for florals. It smells like him, cedar and bergamot with a hint of hospital antiseptic. I put it on.

I’m halfway through the buttons when I hear my door open and close. What the fuck? Who’s here? Who has a key?

“Snow?” Baz’s voice calls out. “Simon, are you here?”

Oh. Oh shit. I dash out of my room, shirt still half open. I even slide on my laminate floor like a cartoon character. Baz is standing in my entryway. And he looks like a total mess. His hair is disheveled, there are huge dark circles under his eyes, and he’s got close to an actual honest to god beard. We just stare at each other way too long. Until I can find my words again.

“Baz,” I stutter. “Hi. W-What are you-”

“Oh thank god.” He runs forward and throws his arms around me in the tightest hug I’ve ever felt. “You’re alive. I thought you were dead or in a coma or-” He pulls back. His eyebrows are all scrunched up. “Is that my shirt?”

My face starts to heat up. “Um, uh, yeah. Didn’t have anything else. I was going to see you. What are you doing here? Are you okay?”

He scoffs, but it’s with a smile. “No, not really, I’ve been worried sick all week. You weren’t answering my texts or Bunce’s. I was scared shitless. I came here because it was my last resort.” He pushes back my hair, rubbing his thumbs along my temple. It’s downright tender. “I’m just so glad you’re okay.” His hands move to my shoulders. “Where did you go?”

“I, uh-” I hang my head. “I-I did something dumb. And I got super sad and I didn’t know what to do. So I was just here a lot...”

His eyes grow wide. “You were here at your apartment? All week?”

“Um, yeah...”

He steps back and blinks. His face is just blank, and honestly it’s more freaky than him panicking. “You’ve been home alone all week, and didn’t tell me?” I nod slowly. That blank face suddenly morphs into unbridled anger. “What the fuck, Snow?! You couldn’t take two seconds to text me back to let me know you’re bloody alive?!”

“I-I didn’t know you texted.”

“Check your phone!”

I scramble over to my couch and scoop up my phone. I haven’t looked at my notifications out of fear. Oh...oh fuck. 53 missed text messages, and 42 are from Baz. My stomach feels like it’s full of rocks. I really am the worst.

“Oh god,” I say, voice very strained. “I’m so sorry, Baz, I was just so caught up in my shit, I wasn’t checking my phone-”

“Obviously.” He rubs the bridge of his nose. “Why did you come to my work?”

My eyes go very wide and my body becomes very stiff. “Wait, you saw me there?”

“No, but Shepard came to talk to me the next day. He asked if my boyfriend was alright because he ran out looking upset. I was surprised he knew who my boyfriend was, and even more so that you were there. So why were you at UCLH and talk to me?”

“Uh, I wanted to talk to you and say sorry for standing you up. B-But when I came, you were um, talking to this guy...” I curl in myself, rubbing my arm. “And I freaked out because I thought after I fucked up the date you’d found someone better and...were going to dump me.”

I look up, and Baz’s jaw is wide open. He drags his hands down his face. “Oh my god, Simon,” he groans, “after all the time we’ve spent together, I can’t believe you still think that low of me.”

“N-No! I don’t!”

“You thought I would dump you after six months together because of a cancelled date? Which you cancelled to help a neglected child?! I’m not a monster, Snow, I’d never do that.”

“Y-Yeah, I know, Baz. It’s just...” I rub the back of my neck. “When I saw you with him, it made all this shit come up and I totally panicked-”

“I understand that, Simon. But it was one conversation with another guy! Why did you ghost me instead of just talking?”

He sounds less angry, more desperate than anything. But it makes me feel even worse. “Because...because I got scared and anxious and I hated seeing it so much...yeah.”

Baz’s mouth is a thin line. “That’s not a real answer, Snow. Why on Earth did you think the worst of me instead of trying to talk?”

“It’s not about you!” I shout desperately. All the words are so muddled up, I can’t get them out. It’s not Baz’s fault, my brain is just being so unhelpful right now. I wasn’t ready for this talk, fuck.

“What does that mean? You stopped talking to me because you thought I was bloody cheating on you! How is this not about me in some capacity?!”

“I didn’t think you were cheating! I just- I thought- I just got so freaked out because I didn’t want to lose you-”

“You weren’t going to lose me!”

“But I thought I was and that scared me so much because I- well, I-”

“Because what, Snow?!”

“Because I love you, you massive arsehole!”

The room goes absolutely, perfectly silent. Baz’s lips have fallen wide open. I inhale sharply. Oh God, did I really just say that out loud? I clap a hand over my mouth and look down, trying to get my breathing under control. I can’t believe I just did that. I’m such an idiot. Baz is going to dump me for sure. Adores me or not, I’ve probably scared him off. My hand falls down.

“I’m so sorry, Baz,” I say softly. “I-I didn’t mean to say that. It just came out-”

“Did you mean it?” I lift my eyes up slightly. I expect Baz to look horrified, angry, maybe even disgusted. But instead he looks...kind of awestruck? His eyes are wider than I’ve ever seen them before. I think about lying, but I don’t think he’s upset. And I have a feeling that if I lie he will be. I think I need to stop hiding my feelings from Baz.

“Yeah. I did.”

His lips fall open even more. And I swear, he’s smiling a little. My heart is beating faster. “Seriously? You...you love me?  In love with me?”

I take a deep breath, trying to calm down my racing mind. I nod and take a small step forward. Not crowding Baz, but getting closer. “Yeah. I'm in love with you, Baz. I-I know it’s too soon, but I can’t help-”

Baz cuts me off with the most intense, head spinning, world shaking kiss of my life. He presses the small of my back with one hand and grabs my curls with the other. I literally stumble backwards from it. Baz takes the chance to press me against my hallway wall. Like he’s shielding from the world with his own body. He’s kissing me so hard, so passionately, and I can’t help but melt. 

Is this Baz’s way of saying he loves me too? I don’t know. Honestly, I don’t care. This is heavenly to the Nth degree. I’m good at turning off my brain when needed. So that’s exactly what I do.

I push back against Baz with equal force. He groans so deeply it makes me shudder. I grip his face tight, pushing my fingers through his tangled but still soft hair. He drags his tongue along my bottom teeth, slowly and carefully. I nearly melt into a puddle. We’ve never kissed like this before. Even our most intense snogging sections don’t come close. It’s like Baz is trying to touch and grab every part of me but can’t decide which. I don’t mind. He can have it. I’d give him all that I am and more. I’d tie our hearts together, chamber by chamber.

Baz runs his hands down my thigh. I can feel the heat through my trackies. He hooks under one of my knees, pulling it up. I think I get the message. (I hope). I jump, fully prepared to fall flat on my arse, but Baz catches me easily. I wrap my legs around his waist while he holds me up above him. Christ, he’s strong. It’s so hot. And I love this angle, because I can snog the life out of him more easily. This is amazing. But I still want more.

I pull off his mouth (sadly), just enough so I can speak. “Bed?”

Baz just nods and kisses me again. He pulls us off the wall. He barely stumbles as he walks us through my flat. I scramble to unbutton his shirt. I know Baz is really into this because he’s making no fuss about me possibly ruining his clothes. Soon enough, we stumble into my bedroom. Baz quickly kicks the door shut, cutting off the rest of the world, and I don’t mind one bit.

———————————————

Baz and I roll apart solely because we need to breathe. Our chests are heaving. My blankets and sheets are completely tangled around us. I’m more sweaty than the one time I tried to go to a cross fit class. However, this was a way better workout. I’m glad I kept all those supplies in my nightstand.

So, now I know what sex with Baz is like. It’s sweaty, vigorous, a little awkward, and so,  so  incredible. Pretty sure my brains have been thoroughly fucked out. It takes me a few panting moments for me to muster up a singular word.

“Wow,” I say. My voice is really hoarse, but I absolutely don’t mind.

Baz lets out a small laugh. His voice sounds rough too. It’s really hot. “Still very eloquent.”

“Fuck off.” I lightly push his sweaty shoulder. But when I start to pull back, Baz grabs my wrist and tugs me towards him. Before I know it, Baz is kissing me again. It’s soft, slow but so unbelievably hot. I completely melt into his arms. He’s so warm and strong and I could spend an eternity wrapped up in him. No more work or life, just Baz and I in this bed forever. My god that would be a dream come true.

He pulls off to kiss across my cheeks, then down my neck. He already knows the exact spots that drive me insane. (Well, Baz has always been a quick study.) My eyes flutter closed. I’m falling into that haze again, where my head gets foggy and I can only think in “yes” and “please” and  “more.” Part of me wants to sink back into that bliss, but the aching of my out of shape muscles is unfortunately more insistent.

“Baz,” I whisper, “as much as I would like a fourth round, I’d also like to be able to walk tomorrow.”

Baz groans, but relents and rolls onto his back. We settle for just staring at each other. I don’t mind. Baz is always gorgeous but he is a different kind of beautiful right now. His face is all flushed, pupils blown wide, black hair plastered to his damp forehead. And I thought I couldn’t get more attracted to him.

“You alright?” he asks.

“Yeah, absolutely.” I cup his face, running a thumb on his cheekbone. “You?”

“I’m bloody fantastic.” He spreads his fingers out on my side, tracing the most delicate patterns that make me shudder. “Can’t believe I was so scared of this.”

My heart beats faster as my eyebrows scrunch up. “Scared? Of what?  Me? I’m sorry-”

“Don’t apologize, Snow. I wasn’t scared of you, not at all.” He sighs and pulls me a little bit closer. “I just built up sex with you so much in my head that it became overwhelming. I was terrified of fucking it up after wanting it for so long.”

“Yeah, I’ve been thinking about it from the start too. Six months of sexual tension really mess with your head.”

He chuckles. I like the way his breath hits my skin. “Simon, love, I first fantasised about sleeping with you when we were 15.”

I was already flushed, but now I’m on fire. It’s a miracle I’m not a pile of ash right now. I flap my mouth open and closed like a fish for too long. Baz just smiles at me like I’m beautiful or something, not a total deer in the headlights.

“R-Really?” I finally get out. “That long?!”

“Mhm. I told you, Snow, I figured out I wanted you in fifth year. Puberty was a bloody nightmare with you right across the room.” We laugh quietly together. But I genuinely feel bad for Baz. I hold the back of his head, running my fingers through his soft hair.

“I’m sorry you went through that, love. Must’ve been awful.”

Baz sighs, putting his hand on mine. “Thank you. At least things worked out in the end." He pecks the tips of my fingers. "I’m glad we finally did this. Real life was far better than any fantasy.”

I kiss the corner of his smile. He giggles, so small and adorable, something I never would’ve thought Baz was capable of until six months ago. I’m so happy. And my heart sinks, thinking about how this was almost over because I was so insecure.

“I’m sorry,” I blurt out, and Baz’s face becomes much more serious. “I-I’m sorry that I vanished without telling you. That was immature and dumb. And I’m sorry for scaring you. I promise I won’t ever do that again.”

Baz nods slowly, mouth twisting from side to side. He brings our hands between us, holding me tight. “I accept your apology. Just, what happened, love? I’m still not sure what you meant.”

Well, I knew this was coming. Doesn’t make it any easier. I clutch him hard, like I’m scared he’ll go. But if the last hour or two means anything, I don’t think he will. Still, I hold him tight.

“That’s a long story,” I sigh.

Baz presses his lips to the back of my hand. It’s firm and comforting. “You can tell me. It’s okay.”

I carefully roll onto my back. Baz goes onto his side, propping his head up with his free arm. We keep our hands together. I really can’t let go of him right now.

“I meant it when I said it wasn’t about you,” I say. “It’s really not. I don’t think you’re a terrible person who would dump or cheat on me. It’s more that...that I was scared and felt worthless. Part of me has always felt worthless, unlovable. Sometimes my brain is like ‘your own parents didn’t want you, why would anyone else?’”

“Simon-”

“You don’t need to tell me it’s not true, Baz, I know. Most of me does, anyway. But sometimes that mean voice gets louder, and it’s been louder lately. Not because of you, not really. It’s because I think you’re incredible and brilliant and that mean voice kept telling me ‘why the hell is he with you? He’s way too good for you. He’ll find someone better.’ And after weeks of missed dates and the whole dinner fiasco, it got worse. Then when I saw you with the other doctor I guess the anxiety just took over. And I just sort of shut down.”

Baz moves closer. “I’m sorry, that’s horrible.”

“Thanks.” I sigh and run a hand through my tangled hair, like I’m trying to pull the stress out of myself. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you this. I didn’t want to dump all my shit on you. It’s a lot to deal with and I should deal with it on my own, not pull you in.”

“Simon,” Baz says firmly, holding himself above me, “you can absolutely pull me into your shit. I want to know everything you’re worried and scared about, so I can be there to help if you want. You never have to hide anything because I love every single part of you, no matter how insecure or sad.”

I stare at him for too long. My heartbeat is roaring in my ears. Slowly, a smile stretches out across my face. “You love me?”

Baz’s face pulls together in confusion, and for a moment I’m scared he’s going to take it back, because I’m not worth it. But then I push that fear down because Baz cares about me. He’s shown that again and again. I'm not unworthy of his love.

“Did I not say it?” he says, genuinely surprised and concerned.

“I mean, maybe, but things were a bit...chaotic before.” My eyes flick over to our rumpled clothing strewn across my room. It honestly looks like a tornado somehow hit both a Primark and a Topshop. Baz laughs with a nod.

“Okay, good point. Let me correct that then.” He delicately holds my chin, making sure our eyes meet. Black hair surrounds his face like a dark halo. His deep sea eyes sparkle with his gorgeous smile. Everything about him is absolutely stunning. “I love you, Simon Snow. I’ve been in love with you since we were kids, because you are the most kind, most caring, most wonderful man I’ve ever known. You are not a holding place or my second choice. Got that?”

I nod very vigorously. I can’t speak right now, my throat is too filled up with all my emotions for words. I wipe my snot and tears with the back of my hand. Extremely unsexy. God I’m a mess. But Baz still looks at me like I’m the most gorgeous thing in the world, because he loves me, imperfections and all. 

“Don’t cry, love,” Baz chuckles, “it’s okay.”

“Just overwhelmed,” I say, still sniffling, “and happy. I love you too.”

Baz kisses my forehead.  “I know, and I’m very happy as well.” He tucks his head into the crook of my neck. “Not to get all psychiatrist, but these issues of hidden insecurities and fear we both have are going to reoccur if we don’t communicate more.”

I nod, rubbing the arm he has across my chest. “Yeah, I agree.”

“Good.” He rolls slightly, chin placed on my shoulder. “In the name of communication then, I think not seeing each other for weeks on end isn’t good for us. We need to try to meet in person more.”

“Yeah, definitely. I think not seeing you for a while made my anxiety get worse. Thought you would dump me because it was too hard for us to meet up.”

“Honestly,” Baz sighs, “I felt something similar. Not as badly as you, I think, but still not fun. The self deprecating part of me wondered when you would finally get sick of my insane schedule and break up with me. I’m not exactly the easiest person to date. Or the easiest person, period.”

I laugh quietly and tug him closer. "Me neither, love."

Baz smiles all the way to his ears. He kisses me firmly, making my head spin, before pulling me away just as quickly. Our noses stay pressed together. “Suppose we match then, love.”

I throw my arms around his neck. I’m grinning, I can’t stop grinning. “And you like that?”

“I love it.”

“Me too.” I press against his back, reveling in his warm, smooth skin. “I promise to make more time for you. I want this to work. ”

Baz kisses a mole on my cheek. “So do I. I’m in this for the long haul, Simon.”

“Good, because I’m not letting you go.”

“I would love nothing more.”

I grab Baz’s head and smash our mouths together again. Baz instantly returns it, holding me tight. His body is a warm blanket on top of me, protecting me from anything bad in the world. Yeah, I could spend the rest of my life with Baz. I want that so much. Our snogging gets more intense. And each of us can definitely feel our mutual arousal pressed against our thighs.

Baz pulls off my mouth, but only a little. “What happened to needing to walk tomorrow?”

I shrug with a sly smile. “Eh, who needs walking? You can just carry me everywhere.”

He grins once before kissing me hard. I’m truly a lucky guy. And it’s incredible that Baz thinks the same. I’m living a charmed life.

———————————————

Three months later

“Y’know,” I pant, “you could help.”

Baz looks up from his phone, one eyebrow propped up. “Who carried all your KitchenAid hardware to our new place?”

“Okay, yeah, but that was  down the hall, not up four flights of stairs.” I drop another box of books and breathe heavily.

“That mixer was very heavy.”

“Baz.”

He lets out a very dramatic groan, making a show of hanging his head over the back of Penny’s settee. “Fine. I’ll help.”

I don’t miss the joking glint in his eyes. Arsehole. He just likes making a show of it. He kisses my cheek on the way out. I slap his arse, making him yelp, but his smirk tells me he’s not upset at all.

“Are you two flirting?” Penny calls out from the hall. “I told you, my flat is a flirt free zone!”

“No flirting, Bunce,” Baz says. “Just some light groping on Snow’s part.”

Penny groans so loud I’m pretty sure the whole floor can hear her. She walks in with a box filled with figurines. She glares at me viciously. I throw my hands up in surrender.

“I slapped his arse, didn’t grab it.”

“That’s not much better, Si.” She places the box on the ground and puts her hands on her hips. “Focus more on moving and less on your boyfriend’s arse.”

“Aw, don’t be mad, Pen, I’m sorry.” I wrap her up in a tight hug, and she holds me just as close. She’s been doing that a lot lately. I don’t mind. “Y’know, that offer to fly to Chicago and kick Micah’s arse is still on the table.”

That finally makes her laugh. She shakes her head against my chest. “No, it’s alright. I’m mad but not really vengeful. He tried to break up with me, I just wasn’t listening to him.”

“Still not an excuse to start dating someone else.”

“Yeah, I guess," she sniffles. "Thanks for subletting your flat to me."

I kiss the top of her head. "You're very welcome, Pen. Anything for you."

She holds me tighter. I let her hang on to me. It’s the least I can do.

“After all the fuss you made about me helping,” Baz shouts, “now you’re just standing there, Snow? Really?”

I sigh and look up over Penny’s head. Baz is balancing two large boxes because he likes to show off how strong he is. But he’s being helpful, and his strength is hot, so I don’t mind.

“I am comforting my friend,” I say, tone very high and mighty and mocking.

“Yes, but avoiding work must be a plus.”

“Oh, absolutely. And teasing you.”

Penny laughs and pulls back from me, looking at Baz as he puts down the boxes. “As a psychiatrist, you think it says something that even though you’re together now, you two still bicker like in school?”

Baz tilts his head side to side, stroking his chin like a great scholar. “Probably could say something about regressing to old patterns of behaviour from when we were children. But now after time together, working out our issues, and forming better patterns of behaviour, the bickering is now a show of affection rather than true antagonism. Therefore it has transformed into a healthy relationship feature from a bad one. A rare but possible event.”

Penny blinks at him. I’m trying to hide my blush. Don’t really want Penny to know how hot I find Baz being all smart and shit. Still have no idea what he’s talking about, but now I definitely want to rip his clothes off. Penny would kill me though. Murder would not be sexy.

“God,” she chuckles, “you really are a psychiatrist.”

“Yeah he is!” Shepard stumbles in, a box wobbling precariously on his arms. “Either that or he’s a weirdo who enjoys being in a hospital all the time for some reason.” The box tips over. I run up and catch it just in time. “Oh, whoops, sorry.”

“You break it, you suffer Bunce’s wrath, Shep,” Baz says.

“Damn right you do.” Penny walks past him, leveling a look over her glasses. Shepard gulps and watches her as she goes downstairs. And he follows her to help, looking totally out of it.

A pair of familiar arms wrap around my waist. Baz rests his chin on my shoulder. “In my humble psychiatrist opinion, I think our dear American might have a little crush on Bunce.”

I chuckle, cupping his cheek. “I wouldn’t blame him. Pen is pretty awesome.”

“Oh," he says with a teasing lilt, "should I be worried that she’s living down the hall from us now?”

I scoff and roll my eyes like he does at stupid people on telly. “Should  I be worried about you working with Dr. Lamb?”

Baz makes a very unattractive dry heaving sound. “Never. That backstabbing twat can go eat a bag of rusty screws. Only reason I give him the time of day is because he’s got my supervisor wrapped around his stupid finger.”

“And if you piss him off you’ll lose important psychiatry rounds, yes, yes, I know. He’s still gonna try to flirt with you.”

“Yeah, because he’s a twat. But I only want you.” He kisses a mole on my neck, his favourite one. “I love you, Simon.”

I kiss his temple. “I love you too.”

“I love you  so much I’m willing to give up my lovely condo to move into your weird exposed brick hipster building.”

I scoff and turn to him, arms around his slender neck. “Wasn’t it  your idea to move into a bigger place here because it’s closer to both of our workplaces?”

He smiles, kissing the tip of my nose. Bastard. I hated his teasing in school, but he’s right, now it’s out of love. Crazy, stupid, wonderful love. “Since when do you listen to me?”

“You have a good idea every once in a while.”

“How about this one?” He kisses me firmly. When he pulls back a little, my heart is beating rapidly.

“Yeah, I like that one.”

“Good.” We kiss again, soft and slow. Never before have I felt so safe and content kissing someone. Baz can hold me close and make all my worries go away. Part of me still can’t believe I get to have this. A person who adores me completely, including every single weird, flawed, stupid part too. But I have to stop thinking like that. I’m allowed to be happy. I’m allowed to be with someone so incredible. And someone so incredible can absolutely love me back. The work we've both put in to being together shows our mutual care again and again. We deserve to be happy together. It's amazing.

“Oh for fuck’s sake!” Baz and I pull apart to look at Penny’s glaring face. “We leave you two alone for five minutes and you’re already defiling my apartment?”

“This is still technically Snow’s flat, you know,” Baz says smoothly.

“And you don’t want to know how we’ve already defiled it.” I give the biggest shit eating grin I can.

Penny waves her hands in front of herself. “Nope, nope, I’d rather live in blissful ignorance. Also, Simon," Penny hands me an envelope, "postman came. This is for you. Thought I'd grab it before they accidentally delivered it to me."

I rip it open with ease. Inside is a paper with familiar terrible handwriting. I grin ear to ear. Baz looks over my shoulder. "What is it?"

"It's from Jeremy." I scan down the letter. Luckily I'm adept at deciphering kid writing. "He says he misses me but likes his aunt's place a lot. They garden a lot and he's playing football on a community team.:

"All sound great," Penny says, having moved to the shoulder not occupied by Baz.

"Yeah, definitely. Oh, and he's got a new kitten. And guess what he named him?"

"What?" Penny and Baz say at the same time. It's pretty hilarious but I keep myself from laughing to avoid any glares.

"Snow." I hold up a Polaroid picture of a grinning Jeremy holding a small, fluffy white cat. Both of them can't help but make awing noises.

"Adorable," Baz says. "You did a good job with that kid, Snow."

I kiss his cheek. "Thanks, love."

"I want a cat," Penny sighs. Her nose scrunches up. "Am I going to turn into a crazy cat lady?"

"Hey," I say, "you were the one who told me that was a sexist stereotype. So no, you're going to be a very sane, wonderful, brilliant cat lady." I lean closer, whispering in her ear. "And maybe, once you feel better, you can try talking to a certain American. I think he's got a thing for you."

Penny sticks her tongue out, but before she can respond, Shepard comes stumbling in with a box of china. He places it very carefully. I can see him not so subtly watching Penny out of the corner of his eye. I don't think he wants to piss her off again. “Okay, I think that’s all of it. Wow, a lot of books. Reminds me of my Mom's office back in Omaha.”

"So I remind you of your mum?" Penny asks, arms crossed over her chest. Shepard's eyes go wide. I snort into Baz's shoulder

"No! No, definitely not, I just mean...you're both super smart."

Penny scoffs. "Good answer, American. Now let's get all my books unpacked."

I groan loudly. “Come on, Pen, not today. Why don’t we go to mine and Baz’s flat and we’ll make you dinner?”

“You mean I’ll be making dinner.” Baz raises his eyebrow at me. “You can’t cook, Simon.”

“I’ve been learning!”

He sighs over dramatically. “Very well. You can chop the onions.”

“I’ll take it.” I put my arm on Penny’s shoulders. She leans into me like always. “Come on, let’s eat.”

“Can I come?” Shepard asks, beaming wide. Who could say no to that face?

“Of course! You deserve a reward for all your hard work.”

“Awesome!” He dashes up beside Pen, looking all cute. And I can see Penny smiling, just a little. I’m glad to see her happy.

I put Jeremy's letter in my pocket. It's going right on the fridge the second we get to mine and Baz’s new place. Baz takes my hand in his, weaving our fingers together. He smiles, looking at me from the corner of his eye. I feel like I could fly on the power of love alone right now.

God, I truly have an amazing life.

———————————————

Awwww stupidly in love, just how I like it. Tbh I started writing this before Wayward So came out, and after I decided I wanted to deal with their communication issues like in the book but resolve them. I'm not throwing shade, just stating an opinion, plz don't kill me lol. But I do hope you all liked it! I never planned on writing a sequel but sometimes shit works out like that. I do have another idea for a short one shot but don't hold me to that, life is pretty nuts rn and I don't have a lot of free time, hence why this took me so long. Anyway, have a good day/night y'all!

[garbagegrimoire]

podcast notes week 1

Here are the notes I had going into the podcast recording for week 1. 

There are some spoilers in here & all of the doodle/synopsis posts have not yet dropped but the episode is recorded & here we gooooo...

Train to Busan

Starting out strong with a zombley deert (to speak in cursed rickyisms).

Giving his kid some yuppie bullshit talk & almost gets them clobbered in traffic, great dad.

Damn that escalated quickly. Why did it take so long for the first lady to turn but the others are like instantaneous?

The shots, effects, & choreography in this movie are crazy!

The grandma has lucid moments before changing which seems more than what the passengers got. & she used them to break hearts.

Ohhh he's a “fund manager,” ofc he's a dick.

Watching a zombie movie during a pandemic hits different.

I like that the bad ass in this movie is a soon to be dad with a dad bod & he's also a boomer who doesn't know how to change his ringtone.

Okay, they’re officially fit daddy & dad bod.

Okay legit tears at dad bod sacrificing himself even though I knew it was coming.

LOL young capitalist bastard fighting old capitalist bastard

This is capitalism & I hate it. OFC the motherfucker willing to screw over everyone else even if he doesn't need to prevails nearly to the end.

We need a zombie killing axe... Oh wait, nevermind, a shoe is good too.

Oh wow, that shit is poignant. The most ruthless capitalist of the group having a mama moment before he changes.

I'm sitting here yelling, get his nards, fit daddy! Do the nuts still have any effect?

Oh shit, fit daddy is infected. Human bites are gross.

This sucks, I hate it. :(

OH FUCK WHY DO THEY MAKE IT WORSE OMG!

& worse.

I didn't want to cry this much, not fair.

Re-Animator

Ooh, my German 101 skills are tingling.

Chaos nerd is everything in this scene. You wondrous ball of absolute cheese.

The security guard saying "Nobody wants in & ain't nobody getting out" is the Chekov's gun of this movie.

Fuckin’ nerd talk. Do either of you even lift? Why don't you duke this out in a tables, ladders, & chairs match?

I don't feel great about that transition between her playfully saying "no" & them full plowing. Greeeeeassy.

I'm with the cat on this one — scratch him!

"The world's last living puritan." LOL, come to eastern Washington tho.

How in the world is this lady's creep radar going off w nerdboy but not with the creepy old man trying to bang her?

They did a few things really well with this cat thing. Because usually I could not DEAL with violence against a pet. First the dead cat doesn't look anywhere near realistic, nonetheless once it's reanimated. Also, there's no like huge emotional connection between the character & the cat because the only experience the viewer has with it prior to it dying is it scratching his back after he's done banging, which I mean, solid choice there kitty.

"Because it's maaaad?" Best line in this mf movie.

I like how quick Halsey turns on nerdboy who he was stoked on like two days later. All because he insulted the creepy old man?

"Here's your meatball!" Writers were A+ obv.

"I know you're all by yourself now." Ew no. Again, she reacts to something other than the creepy old guy trying to bang her. PLEASE REACT, maybe punch him in the face or move to a different state without notifying anyone.

I’m dying, it looks like he's dribbling cherry applesauce out of his mouth.

This is the corniest, dumbest break up scene I've ever watched.

So once they're lobotomized they have like a mind link with the old guy head? Alright...?

Okay so we've arrive. This scene is fucking pure unadulterated cringe & makes me feel like I need to take several showers & drink bleach.

"Get a job & a sideshow." This entire movie is this nerd & that's what I'm here for.

How is there this seemingly endless supply of this green ooze? Also this reminds me of TMNT.

LOL the murderous colon strikes.

I'm very confused on the rules of what stays alive & how. Like the hand is still twitching but the guy in the hallway is dead?

Nothing gore-wise has bothered me so far but the chest compression sound is gross.

This guy is the worst. If he loved her he'd let her die.

Plan 9 From Outer Space

"Future events such as these will affect you in the future." You don’t say, friend.

Hillabilly gravediggers saying "sorta spooky like" is the mood here.

The scream is so good. 

A conspiracy theorist manifesto delivered on a suburban patio made entirely out of wicker.

The walking dead in this movie are so much more chill than the last two, just saying. Like if you're going to kill me, fine, but be chill about it.

"The earth people who can think are so frightened by those who cannot — the dead." Truuuuuuu. Thinking sucks, bro.

The pillow talk is all kinds of weird.

Hey, I know you're worried too, but because you're a child that can't care for herself, make sure you lock the doors because that's something a feeble woman wouldn't remember to do.

"You are on the verge of destroying the entire universe." Ooof this hits different now.

Yeah, it's old timey & corny but there are some seriously artsy scenes in this. I love the glowing trees.

Vampira is aesthetic goals if: I was more feminine, if I gave a fuck, if anyone ever looked at me, lol.

If some big dead dude was coming for you why in the hell would you just stand there or sit there & scream? Like these are the easiest monsters to escape from, you all are so gd slow.

That's it, I'm dressing up as one of these aliens for Halloween. All I need is some black pants, a belt, & a shiny purple shirt.

LOL little green men. Shoot first, ask questions later. Get all the tropes in there buck-o.

I just realized the dude alien is called Eros & I'm laughing. Total heartthrob. "You're always right, Eros." Fucking yuuuck. Miss me with all of this.

Holy trigger happy.

Explode the actual particles of sunlight. LOL, OMG "STRONGER NATION THAN NOW." These fucking nationalist trashbags.

Yes, of course aliens are religious too. & the're sexists. OH MY GOD IM GOING TO THROW THE MONITOR OUT THE WINDOW STAHP!

This was so much. I mean it's the old humans are dumb, violent animals & need to be gently led or annihilated. Okay, that can be true. But the aliens here needed to FOAD too.

Dead Birds

Is Mark Boone Jr in everything & will he die early? (yes)

Very aesthetic theme

Bank manager's whiskers are on point. 

The fuck? Oooh racist, niiiiice. I hate everyone all the time.

Yup this is how bank robbers would behave, wanting to kill of members of the gang to get a bigger share.

Gross, just listening into their friends banging, being creepy.

Is it turning into a bear? (Ohhh, the footprints)

Okay one of these dudes actually has something like a conscience, good to know, still hate him.

54 minutes in & I'm getting real bored.

Good jump scare w the little girl.

Okay the lady in the barn was too much for me. Gore was too much.

"There are worse things than dying" Best line.

Okay first I was like "that's not vomit, it's too white" & then I realized she'd been in bed with her dude earlier & yelled "ew, is she puking cum?" at my computer because that's where my dumpster fire of a brain goes.

Poor horses :(

He just disappeared? TF?

Nah, I’m not feeling this.

[unrequitedmime]

“Hey,” Cecily suddenly sits up on the couch as the front door flies open, smoothing down her hair and throwing her leg off Leon’s, “I thought no one was home today.” Albany stands in the doorway, not hiding her wide eyes as she stares at a shirtless Leon and a pantless Cecily. Cecily fights the urge to wince. They were just watching Harry Potter. Last night they weren’t. Albany clears her throat, “Hey Leon,” she calls, a weird tone in her voice. Cecily could swear it was disapproval, “How’s… How’s the army?” Leon raises an eyebrow at Cecily for a moment before forcing out a polite laugh, “It’s tough. But it’s good. How’s university?” Albany suddenly steps into the apartment, as if remembering that she has a right to be here, as she speaks, “Um…” Her eyes flutter across the kitchen bench with a fake disinterest, “It’s tough. But it’s good.” Cecily fights her confused frown, “Did you just describe university the same way a soldier describes the army?” “What? No!” Exclaims Albany, voice shaking slightly as  it rises to a high pitched squeak. Cecily cocks her head curiously when she catches the nerves in Albany’s tone. “They’re different levels of hardness, obviously. But Uni is still tough.” “Okay.” Albany rolls her eyes; the classic eye roll. Cecily clenches her jaw to keep the frustration at bay. She isn’t even supposed to be home. She’s supposed to spend the day with Mason. “Where’s Mason?” Cecily asks, then regrets it. She doesn’t exactly want to think about Mason when Leon’s body warmth is pressed against her bare thigh. Albany’s eyes almost cut her fragile skin as she speaks, “He’s coming over in like, twenty minutes.” Cecily does not miss the coldness in her words, and the hurt is a sucker punch to the stomach. Why is she being spoken to like this? “Oh, okay.” “Mason?” Leon calls, smiling just a tad, “Mason’s coming over?” “That’s what I just said.” Cecily doesn’t fight her frown, shooting Albany a glare that she ignores. What is wrong with her? “I haven’t seen Mason in two years!” Leon laughs, “It would be great to see him.” “Mhm,” Albany calls, separating herself from the bench and stalking down the hall. Cecily stares after her. Leon is silent. She knows he is a little hurt. “Is she okay?” He asks carefully. Cecily does not respond. She is not sure. —————————————————- “So, here’s the thing,” Peyton announces, stirring her tea. It is 12pm. “I was thinking about last night. And I know I didn’t see it, but that reunion was obviously pretty amazing. So-” “It was okay,” Sybil shrugs, cutting her BLT in half. Peyton watches her carefully. Her best friend does not meet her eyes. “It was more than okay, and you know it. You were crying, Sybil.” “I was drunk.” “Being drunk doesn’t create emotions, just amplifies them.” “So if I wasn’t drunk then I would have just smiled, not cried.” “If you weren’t drunk you would have completely shut down.” Sybil looks up sharply, “No, I wouldn’t have.” Peyton raises one eyebrow in defiance. Sybil goes back to cutting her sandwich. The street cafe bubbles excitedly around the pair of best friends. “Cliff is super late,” Sybil finally announces. “He’s meeting us at the beach.” Sybil almost chokes on her food, “Beach?” “I secretly packed my car last night. We’re going.” Sybil’s mouth slowly melts into a smile, and Peyton’s heart warms when she finds her best friend’s happiness after a week of messy emotions. “Okay."  —————————– "You’re not painting my wall yellow,” Kieran laughs, punching his best friend in the arm. Hutch flinches, chuckling as he drops the colour cards onto a mess on the wooden floors, “Why not? Yellow bricks are so happy.” Kieran cannot help but pause at his words, staring at Hutch. He really was perfect for Cecily. Until he wasn’t. “Red bricks are vintage. I like vintage.” Hutch runs a hand through his hair, impersonating Kieran as he stares mysteriously into the distance, “My home is my hipster heart. Keep the walls red and crumbling.” Kieran pegs a pillow at his face so hard that Hutch slips and falls. Hutch hysterical laughs bounce off the red and crumbling walls. ——————————————— Ten minutes. Ten minutes until Mason comes. Ten minutes to get Leon out of the apartment before Mason sees. Cecily is not too sure why she cares that Mason sees Leon. They are friends. And Mason does not own her. Why would Mason care about who Cecily slept with? Why would Cecily care if Mason knows? She wouldn’t. Then why is she thinking of ways to politely tell Leon to leave? “That was a good movie,” she blurts as the credits roll. Her voice sounds awfully loud in her ears. She hates confrontation. “We’ll have to watch the next one when you come over next.” Dammit. She just invited him back. Should she have done that? He sits up slowly, blinking away the exhaustion from his face before he meets her eyes. His gaze is sleepy and heavy upon her face, a little unfocused. A crease dances across his cheek from the pillow he was laying on and his eyelashes look so long and bright in the sunlight. She is definitely not sorry that she invited him back. “Why can’t we watch it now?” Shit. She blinks, “I’m just a little tired, is all.” He yawns, his stomach muscles stretching and chest expanding, “Me too.” He rubs his eyes like a little kid. Her entire stomach drops. God fucking dammit. She is so attracted to him. She likes his tough army persona and his soft smiling side and the little boy in him that rubs his eyes when he is sleepy. She doesn’t realise she has leapt across the couch until her body is straddling his and their kisses are deep and sexual. She feels his body heat strike a match in her skin as she deepens the kiss, and cannot fight her moan as his hands twist through her hair, his lips hot and heavy. She loses herself in the embrace. Deep and fast and seductive. He breath comes quick as they kiss and she moans more times than she thought she would. He is a great kisser. And he is kind. And honest, and pure, and tough, strong, loving, smart, considerate, funny, and beautiful. And his smile. God dammit his smile is a killer. Her hands find the zipper on his pants just as the front door opens. And just like that, she feels everything in the world slip away from her. “Hey guys-” His voice falters to nothing but crumbled ashes when his gaze hits Cecily. She throws herself off Leon, trying to hide her gasps and heavy breaths as she runs a hand through her hair, smoothing down the wild waves where Leon ran his hands through it. Her eyes find Mason’s. A flicker of something deep and hurting flashes through his golden gaze before he hides it away. She feels everything in her body lock up when she recognises the emotion that she saw for a split second. Devastation. Oh, god. But why would he be devastated? He shouldn’t be devastated, right? “Hey,” she calls out on swollen lips, voice croaky from kissing Leon so hard. “Hey,” he calls back, his voice a little strangled as his eyes land on her chest. She glances down to find her lacy bra. She did not realise Leon took her shirt off. She glances at Leon. His pants are halfway down his thighs. She did not realise she was slipping those off, either. She coughs a little to hide the sounds of Leon struggling to slip his pants back up his muscled legs. Leon’s lips are just as swollen as hers. Is that a hickey forming on his jaw? Oh, god. “Hey, Mason,” Leon calls, smiling bright and pure as he finally stands and strides across the room. That smile is still a killer on kiss-swollen lips. “It’s so good to see you. Sorry you caught that,” he flicks his head back to Cecily, and she watches his neck flush cherry red. A soldier that blushes. Mason runs a hand through his locks and forces a laugh, “Cecily was the only one of the girls that I hadn’t walked in on with a boy before, so I guess the day had to come eventually.” He sounds like he is choking on the easy words. Her eyes flutter closed so she doesn’t have to look at him. The boys talk, laugh, joke for the next few minutes. It occurs to Cecily that she has trapped herself in a maze. But why? She doesn’t have feelings for Mason. And Leon was a one night stand. She opens her eyes just as both boys glance back at her. A soldier that blushes. And a griever that still smiles. Oh, fuck. —————————————— “Where’s Cliff?” Sybil calls in the racing wind of the beach. Peyton narrows her eyes as she searches for her boyfriend amongst the sea of heads on the sand. Bingo. She finds his fluttering black waves amongst the golden shore and takes a step towards him, as if pulled by the universe. She stops when she sees the head of red and honey hair beside Cliff. Oh, god. What did he do? “See him?” Sybil calls, eyes on the opposite end of the beach. Her tanned skin shines against the sunlight, bouncing off the black of her bikini. Her body has changed since school; more toned skin and long limbs. That head of red and honey hair is going to lose his mind when he sees her. “Um,” Peyton bites her lips, “Sybs?” “Yeah?” Sybil’s curls dance wildly in the wind as she glances over at her best friend. She catches Peyton’s expression and takes off her sunglasses, frowning carefully, “What?” “Cody is here.” Sybil blinks. Takes a moment. Peyton watches the anger spark to life. “What?” “He’s here with Cliff. Over there.” Sybil’s eyes follow Peyton’s pointing finger, and something in her dark eyes stutters to a shocked stop when they find the boy she loved laying on the sand beside Cliff, his tanned and toned body stretched out comfortably. Her face softens for one tiny moment before solidifying into a cold anger. “You invited him without telling me?” “No,” Peyton corrects carefully, “I had no idea he was coming. I swear. Cliff must have invited him as a surprise.” “Stupid surprise.” Peyton does not defend her boyfriend. Sybil is right. Stupid surprise. Silence settles as Sybil stares at the two boys on the sand across the beach. Peyton watches her. “We gonna go over?” She asks quietly. Sybil does not reply for a few moments, processing all possibilities and plans of escape. There are none. She finally nods. They make their way across the sand, Sybil almost stomping her way across the insufferable shore. She does not stop until she is standing above Cliff, blocking out the sun from his body. He takes his sunglasses off and meets her eyes. His grin breaks out for a moment before he catches the storm in her gaze. Cody lays silently beside Cliff, eyes closed, unaware that the girl he loved is glaring at his friend. The anger in Sybil’s eyes glows clear in the daylight as she shakes her head at Cliff, almost in disgust, before throwing her towel at his feet and walking to the waves. Cliff flinches, face falling, and Cody jerks awake at the noise of it whipping against Cliff’s ankles. “Hi,” Peyton mutters. “Oh!” Cody greets, glancing once at a guilt ridden Cliff in confusion before smiling up at Peyton, “Hey, Peyton!”’ He jumps up and wraps her up in a hug, his skin warm from the sunshine. The girls were right. He has gained a lot of muscle from school. She hugs him back, glad to see him again. She always loved Cody. He never tried to take time away from Sybil and Peyton’s days together, and he always made Peyton laugh. He knew how important Peyton was to Sybil, and he always came to her for help when he wanted to buy Sybil a birthday present or do something sweet. He respected her, and he cared about her. They were friends. And Peyton loved how happy he made Sybil. So supported and free and safe. And pure. “It’s so good to see you,” he breathes, squeezing tight before letting go and stepping back. His smile is so honest and bright that she cannot help but smile back, “I didn’t get to see you last night, so I was so relieved when Cliff invited me today.” “I’m glad you came,” she answers warmly, and is surprised to find that she means it. Despite Sybil’s mood, she is glad she got to see Cody again. His gaze finds something in the waves, and Peyton does not miss the spark in his blue eyes. She glances back. Sybil. “I wasn’t sure she was going to come,” he breathes, eyes on his first love fighting her way through the waves. “She didn’t know you were coming,” Peyton physically cannot lie to Cody. It always seems impossible. He nods in understanding, hardly hurt, as he watches her finally find a calm patch of water and settle down. “I forgot how much she loves the waves,” he grins a little, transfixed by her. Peyton turns around so she can watch Sybil, “We haven’t been to the beach in a long while. I’m not even sure why we came today. It feels a little weird to be going in August.” Cliff shrugs, hopping up too, “It’s a weirdly hot day today, and I thought you girls could use the sunlight.” “You mean the sunburn,” Peyton corrects, and Cliff chuckles. Cody still stares out at the waves. “She’s forgotten how much you love the waves, too,” Cliff says softly, watching Cody. They were close in school. “Go remind her.” “I will.” Cody sprints to the waves, kicking up water and laughing to himself as he makes his way towards her. He spins as a big wave comes and he goes under. He shoots back up a moment later, running a hand through his hair as he laughs. He glows amongst the darkness of the water. He is a star in a night sky. And Sybil is the moon. ————————————————– She hears his splashes before his voice. “Hey,” he calls, swimming through the patch of calmness towards her. She does not open her eyes, does not move from her position atop the water; floating. She only smiles in his general direction. She needs her last few moments of calm. “I haven’t been to an Australian Beach in-” His words stop. Stutter. Start again. “I haven’t been to an Australian beach in two years,” his voice sounds awfully soft, as if distracted. She blinks her eyes open and finds his wet hair and dripping skin standing beside her. His eyes seem to be glued to her body. Her face. Her hair. Her everything. There is something unspeakable in his gaze. She lets her body fall underneath the water, eyes on him. He blinks away his thoughts and meets  her gaze, blushing. “Sorry,” he clears his throat, “You look… good.” She smiles gently, “You don’t look too bad yourself. What do they feed you over in America?” He grins, face softening, “Manliness.” “Did you drown in it?” He shrugs nonchalantly, “Skulled it from the bottle very single day. No biggie.” She laughs, a familiar sound around Cody. He flashes one more smile before settling down beside her in the water, at her eye level. She stares into the blue depths. “So,” he sighs, “Two years, Finnerwood. What have I missed?” She chokes out a laugh, “Too much to tell.” His gaze sparkles in the sunlight, “I like long stories. Tell me.” She raises an eyebrow, “You want me to catch you up on two years worth of things?” He nods, face serious, “Tell me everything?” She hesitates, cautious, “Why do you care so much?” He doesn’t hesitate. He was always the one that never hesitated, “Because it’s you.” She blinks at him. He stares back. “Will you catch me up on America?” He smiles softly, knowing he’s got her as he nods, “I will catch you up on very piece of pizza I had.” She thinks for a moment before sighing into the sunlight, “Okay. Well, first of all, I went to Italy with the girls after you left. They paid for me.” “That sounds amazing. Why did they pay for you?” She winces, “It was a trip for me. To help me heal after I lost you.” He blinks, letting out a shaky breath before he replies quietly, “I drove around America before I started college,” his voice is barely above a whisper, “I couldn’t stay in one place, couldn’t let my thoughts settle. Because then I’d think of you, and then I’d think about how much I missed you, and then I’d think about the sound of your voice. And,” he clears his throat, “I knew that if I let myself think about the fact that I was never going to hear your voice again I would quit college and fly back to Australia. And I couldn’t do that to my parents. So, I drove.” She stares. She whispers her words carefully, “Did the road trip help you stop loving me?” He smiles sadly, “Not at all.” —————————————————- Kieran’s steps stutter to a stop when his eyes land on the boy beside Cliff. Hutch, distracted by his phone, bumps into Kieran’s back and swears under his breath. Peyton recognises the sound of Hutch’s voice and glances up from where she is unlocking the apartment door. Her face warms when she spots Kieran, but a jolt of shock races through her eyes when Hutch makes eye contact with her. Hutch flushes red with shame. He has not seen any of the girls since that night at the hotel. To be completely honest, his life feels a little empty without them. They were constants in his life for the year he dated Cecily, and suddenly they were gone. Don’t even get him started on how much he misses Cecily. He wakes everyday feeling like a little piece of him is broken, gone. And he knows he cut it out himself. He knows he did that. It is his fault he is lost. “Kieran,” Peyton blurts, ignoring Hutch in her loyalty to her best friend, “What are you doing here?” Kieran meets Peyton’s eyes and breathes out a soft smile, ignoring the way Sybil’s laugh is cut away the moment she finds him standing in the hall. Her gaze is heavy and burning as she stares at Kieran, but he does not look at her. Not at all. Hutch does. He peeks over his best friend’s shoulder and watches Sybil. Her face is flushed a little red, but it is not a blush. He studies the rest of her body. Her skin is much darker than it was when he last saw her. Has she been tanning? He finally takes note of her clothes. A loose dress over a peeking black bikini. They went to the beach? It’s August. Her loose curls run rampant down her back, frizzy and wild and free. Despite her heavy gaze, there is a shine in her eyes and a brightness in her face that Hutch didn’t even realise was missing. She loves the beach. She finally drags her gaze away from Kieran as he talks to Peyton, and her eyes find Hutch. Surprise flickers across their dark depths, and Hutch feels his stomach drop. But before he can prepare himself for the burning glare he will receive, her face breaks out into a soft and almost uncontrollable smile. Without warning, she pulls away from the boys beside her and strides across the hallway. Kieran blinks at her as she nears him, his voice pausing as he frowns in confusion. She ignores him, sidestepping her best friend as she comes up to Hutch. Despite her earlier smile, he steels himself for a harsh slap. Sybil is more likely to punch, though, and he fights the urge to take a step back. He will not. If he is punched, he deserves every drop of pain. He broke her best friend. He deserves to be broken back. A small part of him, a quiet and dark and grieving part of him, wants her to hurt him. It wants to feel the pain, wants to know he is suffering for all of the suffering he caused. He wants to be punished. He is a horrible person. So he stays still as she strides towards him, eyes burning and face clear. His eyes flutter closed as she reaches him, but instead of the ache of a fist, he receives her warm body tucking into his. He blinks his eyes open, releasing a breath of surprise as she wraps him up in a fierce hug, head resting on his shoulder. He stands utterly still for a moment before bringing his numb arms around Cecily’s best friend, letting himself fall into her for one moment of warm embrace. “It’s so good to see you,” she whispers into his skin. Hutch is not sure why, and he is not sure how, but suddenly he is crying. Perhaps it was her words, or her warmth, or her soft smile. But he has been holding everything in for two months, and Sybil has undone him. He buries his face in her neck and weeps silently into the warmth of her skin, unable to stop the shaking of his limbs or the gasping of his breath. She does not step back, or push him away. She only squeezes tighter, accepting his tears. He is not sure why. He does not deserve it. He does not deserve anything. Nothing at all. He broke the heart of the best girl he has ever met. It doesn’t matter that he didn’t want to, or that he couldn’t control his heart. It doesn’t change her pain. He deserves pain for what he did to Cecily. God, he hates himself so much it is unbearable. And here is Sybil, with her warm hands and her heavy gaze, hugging him. Letting him know that he is loved. That he is worthy of something close to love. That he still has people that care for him despite his mistakes. His horrible mistakes. His fucked up heart. She is Cecily’s best friend, yet she still cares about him.   He cries even harder. “I’m sorry,” he whispers into her skin once he realises the hallway is empty; everyone having filed into 346, “God, I’m so fucking sorry.” His voice shudders and trembles, rising and falling, cracking and stumbling as he utters the words he has been whispering to himself for months. “I’m sorry. I loved her. I promise I loved her. I’m so sorry. She was everything in my entire fucking life. Somehow, it just started falling away, though. It was terrifying, and I tried. I’m sorry. I tried to hold on and feel and love and be hers. I wanted to be hers. And then Autumn-” His voice cracks, “Autumn came along and I realised.” Silence. Nothing but his deep breaths as he tries to soak up the calm from Sybil’s tanned skin. The quiet lasts for a few moments as Sybil holds him and he holds her. God, he misses Autumn. He misses Cecily. He misses who he used to be. Before he broke a heart. “Realised what?” Sybil finally whispers into the space between their bodies. “Huh?” He breathes, steadying his breathes. “When Autumn came along you realised what?” She blinks up at him, eyelashes fluttering. He meets her gaze, memories of Autumn dancing through his brain. His heart suddenly begins to calms and he lets out a soft, even breath. “I realised that she is it. She’s the forever,” he whispers back. In all of his pain; his storms and tears and boiling hatred and licking flames, he is sure that Autumn is it for him. She is the ending of his story. She is one of the only things he truly loves. Autumn and Kieran. They’re his story. They’re his happy ending. “Cecily will kill me once she finds out I hugged you,” Sybil finally announces softly, smiling a little as she lightly steps away. He lets her. She knows he does not need her anymore. He has thoughts of his love within him. Kieran and Autumn. Autumn and Kieran. They will keep him strong. “Where’s Kieran?” Hutch breathes into the empty hallway, eyes on the closed apartment door. There are bumper stickers all over the door, which he is quite sure is not allowed. But Albany likes them, so the girls let her stick them on. Sybil blinks at the closed door, “Hell if I know. Probably inside my home finding my replacement.” “You don’t have a replacement,” Hutch says automatically. Sybil looks at him, “Huh?” “You’re Sybil,” Hutch explains the best way he can. Which is not a very good way at all, “There is no replacement for you. You’ve filled a spot within him that can’t be unfilled.” She stares at him hard and long, until he fights the urge to fidget. “You promise?” Her voice trembles a little. He wonders how cracked her heart must be. Kieran has not spoken to her in weeks. His best friend. Hutch nods without realising it, “I promise.” She nods to herself after a moment, as if having made a decision. “Good,” she announces, a note of finality in her tone that alarms Hutch only slightly, “Then he won’t mind it when I do this.” As she strides to her front door, a compelling purpose in her steps, Hutch cannot help but follow. The door slams into the wall as she opens it with a determined force. "Kieran?" She calls, "I'd like to know what the fuck your problem is."/p>

unrequited 

[jokers-sweethearts]

Trust Pt. 1

A Jared/Joker x Daughter Crossover Fic

Part 2

What happens when you wake up in another life? Another body? But you and the people you love are still out there? What happens when you see yourself and the person you love more than anything? What would you do to get them back?

What will Jared... the Joker... do to get his daughter back, from himself?

////////////

   Jared made his way up to his daughters bed room to wake her up, clutching the new Gucci box that just arrived. He gently knocked on the door and peaked his head in, she was curled up and still in dream land. He made his way in and sat down next to her, she looked so beautiful and comfortable it took all his strength to wake her up. He began with a kiss on her forehead, when she didn’t move he tickled her side over the blankets knowing that would do the trick. She groaned annoyed at him and covered her head with a pillow ignoring him. 

   He knew it would be a long, emotional day for her and felt guilty for getting her up so early. Felt guilty for doing this to her at all. He sat there for a few minutes letting her enjoy some more rest. He desperately wished he could crawl under the covers to cuddle her and rest himself, but his phone vibrated pulling him out of his trance. He looked down, it was Emma.

Remember to get to the airport at least an hour early. I’m sending the car over to get the rest of the stuff from the house. They said it should be in New York just a few days after you. She need coffee?

   Jared laughed to himself, Emma was always business, business, business, he remembered the days when he was like that. Before his daughter came along and taught him how to slow down and relax more. He looked at her still asleep and sighed, knowing the coffee was the only thing to keep his daughter from being too upset.

Yes. As many expresso shots as you can without making her heart explode. 

   Jared put his phone away and leaned down to whisper in her ear. “baby, come on time to get up” he was met with more groaning. “I know I know but we have to go so we won’t miss our plane”.

“I hope we do” she said back to him with a fierce attitude. 

“Vanessa.... don’t take that tone with me. I know you don’t want to do this but”

“Then why are you making me?” Vanessa pulled the covers down to expose her face.

Jared couldn’t tell if she was angry or on the verge of tears, only thing he knew for sure was that the look on her face hurt him. 

“It’s just for a little while baby while I film, then we’ll come back I promise” he leaned down to kiss her and she reluctantly allowed him. While he was kissing her forehead he brought the gucci box in his hand to her. “I was hoping this could help ease some of the tension. That and Emma is going to have a large cup of coffee for you” he smiled at his daughter, like a peace offering.

   Vanessa smile back as best she could and sat up to accept her present. She wasn’t going to lie to herself, she felt it was the least her dad could do. After pulling her away from her school, friends, everything she had known in LA to go to a new city just for a movie. She hated being dragged around because of his career. But her dad was her whole world. The only one she could really trust, who had always been there for her. As mad as she got at time and tried to rub it in his face, she could never make it last. She took the box from him and opened it up. It was a gold heart necklace with a small triad symbol in the middle. Vanessa smiled more genuinely when she saw it, having nostalgia wash over her.

“I thought it’d be fitting. Remember I made this for you when you were little? One of the first pieces of merch for the band we had really. Figured since it all worked out, I’d get you one that was actually worth something” he said remembering the early days. He promised himself that one day he’d get her things of value, things he never had as a kid.

“I thought the original was pretty cool” she looked up, her soft eyes trying to convey appreciation. “But having it gucci is really cool” she smirked.

   Father and daughter took a moment just to get lost in each others eyes. Taking in the happiness of the moment before all the turmoil that was sure to come ahead between them in the new life they were going to create for the next few months. 

“Come here” Jared said opening his arms. The hug was more a command than an offer, and Vanessa followed the order. He held her tightly, knowing it’d be the last one in their home for a while.

“Okay okay let me go” Vanessa said pushing away at him. He teasingly held onto her and tickled her more just to get another smile. Until his phone vibrated again.

I’m on my way to the airport now. 

   Emma snapped Jared back into work mode. “All right, get dressed and pack what you need in your carry on. Dress comfortably for the plane” he got off his daughters bed and headed out to search the house one last time. 

   Vanessa threw her covers off and put her new gift around her neck. She looked in the mirror and a part of her longed for the old one back, along with those years when everything seemed so simple. 

..............................

   Vanessa could feel her heart beating faster and faster as they got closer to LAX. She had a last minute thought to just jump out of the car and run. She hoped deep down inside her dad would say fuck it and turn around and keep driving until they reached the edge of the earth. But she knew he never would, he was too practical and wouldn’t do that, even for her. She didn’t know if she was thankful for that or resentful.

   Jared pulled into a free spot and switched off the engine, he looked over at his daughter who barely seemed to notice they stopped moving. He ran his hand over her shoulder to try and give some comfort. She felt it but ignored it getting out of the car. Jared did the same and grabbed their bags from the back seat.

“Stay close to me with the paparazzi running around” he said sternly. 

   They made their way inside scanning the crowd for Emma, the camera flashes began immediately and Jared motioned for his daughter to go to his other side and avoid them. They were ruthlessly invading their space and trying to get a shot. It always took everything he had not to punch them in the face. It was just another thing for him to feel guilty about.

   Vanessa walked faster to get away, praying Emma would appear with coffee soon. She could feel the anger building up again. Being uprooted, moved again, and now the cherry on top the paparazzi hounding her. 

   It felt like years for both of them getting through checks and security but once they were finally seated on the plane, and Vanessa was half way through her coffee, things calmed down a bit. The skies were turning grey and the pilot came on announcing a small storm passing.

“You okay” Jared leaned down and asked his daughter, knowing turbulence was her least favorite part of flying.

“Fine” she shot back coldly. 

   Jared got the hint and left her alone, he figured it was the least he could do. Just let her take the ride to relax. He spotted the necklace that was hidden by the sweater and reached over to pull it over her shirt. It dangled down and he felt a small sense of pride looking at it, slightly easing his guilt. Vanessa continued to stare out the window letting him fix her chain. The storm was more than a small one, the flight across the country was making the entire plane uncomfortable but they eventually made it to JFK without too much trouble. It wasn’t until they began to land that the thunder and lightening really picked up. When they finally escaped and made it inside Jared directed his daughter to take a seat in the back near the windows so she could watch the storm as him and Emma tried to figure out what to do.

“The apartment is ready right?” he asked her trying to keep his voice down so Vanessa wouldn’t hear him. Emma nodded getting the point.

“The car should be outside waiting if you guys are ready? I’ll meet you later in the night.” 

“Ness” Jared said grabbing her arm, “let’s go” Jared picked up their bags and they headed out to find their car.

   The entire ride there the storm didn’t settle, the streets were flooding slightly and the sky was almost black. 

“Where’s the hotel at?” Vanessa asked with her eyes glued to the outside.

   Jared breathed out deeply, he wanted to avoid the subject as long as possible but telling her was inevitable now.

‘We’re not...” he toyed with his hands in his lap “We’re not going to a hotel baby”.

   Vanessa turned around and gave him a confused look, finding it odd her father wouldn’t look at her back. “What does that mean? Where are we staying?”

“I got us an apartment. We’re only a few minutes away”.

“Dad” Vanessa said in such an angry tone it made the driver look in the rear view mirror. “Why do we need an apartment if we’ll only be there for a few months?”

“It’ll be longer than that baby. We are going to live here” he admitted, defeat in his voice.

   Vanessa felt the tears welling up in her eyes, when she tried to speak it was like an invisible hand wrapped around her throat preventing her. Jared didn’t dare look at her, he knew his little girl would be in pain. When they pulled outside the building Jared jumped into action mode getting their bags and paying the driver, trying to avoid what he knew he did was wrong. He only looked at her and saw how broken she looked when she didn’t get out of the car. He threw the hand in his hand under the opposite arm so he’d have a free hand to take hers and lead her in the complex. In complete silence they headed up to their new home. Jared barely had the door unlocked for a few seconds before his daughter stormed in past him.

“So you just lied?” she yelled at him and he shut the door.

“I didn’t lie baby”

“You said we’d only be here for a few months. Now we’re living here? That’s a lie. Why would you do that to me?”

“I knew how hard it would be on you” he walked over to her and took her face in his hands, wiping away the tears that were falling with his thumbs “I wanted to make it as easy on you as possible. Baby you have to understand that”.

“I understand, dad” she pulled away from him. “I understand that I should have known better. This is what you do” Vanessa was filling up with the same fury she had when she first woke that that morning. She knew it. She tried to remember what she told herself. That she loved her dad, that he was the only person she had, but every time she thought about it the lie came back. The thunder outside the building matched her rage.

“What does that mean?” Jared asked trying to grab her hand to pull her back to him. But she walked around the apartment looking around and headed down the hallways. 

“Where’s my room? Since we’re living here I better get comfortable” she ignored him.

“Vanessa I asked you a question. What does that mean?” he caught up to her and tugged on her hand. She turned around to face him but ripped it away.

“It means when people don’t want what you want, you lie. You manipulate to get them to agree. You knew I’d be unhappy here so you lied. I bet there’s not even a movie to film”.

“Ness don’t be ridiculous. I’d never want to hurt you on purpose”

“Well you did” she snapped at him. Vanessa felt the tears she had fought so hard to hold back begin to win. She turned from him and ran down the hallway, turning into the first room she found. Jared tried to run after her but was met with a door slam in his face.

   He rested his forehead against it, and knocked gently calling her name. But all he heard was her soft whimpers on the other side. He felt a stinging sensation in his chest. He wished he had the strength to beat through the door and make it all better. He wished he was irrational and could just shoot off the handle, take her, and run away. He wanted to continue to knock and convince her to open the door, but the heart ache made it impossible for him to speak. 

   He headed into the living room, through the windows he could see the lighting shooting down from the sky. The storm was so vicious the lamps were flicking and paintings on the walls shake. The few decorations he had arranged to be hung up, to try and make it a place she liked, were useless. He didn’t care if they fell or broke now. 

   He laid down on the couch and ran his hands over his face, his head was pounding from all the stress. He didn’t even want to think about starting to film a new movie. About diving into a role again, devoting so much time to something and away from her. He never doubted himself or his work, only ever his ability to be a father because he wanted to badly to be perfect. And he fucked up. He laughed under his breath thinking about his other roles and what he’d have to do again. What his characters would do. Maybe if he was really the Joker he’d know what to do. Then he could really break down the door and tell her that they could run away and never worry about anything again. Imagine that, the Joker making her more happy than he could.

   He kicked off his shoes and decided to sleep on the couch, maybe this way he could hear when she finally unlocked the door and came out. She had to eventually.

   The storm raged on outside. Every few minutes new thunder bolts reigned down and shook all of new york. Jared was tossing back and forth and kicking in his sleep. Nightmare after nightmare rolled into his head. He broke out into a cold sweat but wouldn’t wake up. His body jolted around on the couch more as his nightmare became harder to make out. All he could see were flashes of green, hear something that sounded like gun shots, a view of purple and bright lights. A crack of thunder outside sounded like a bomb had dropped. Jared screamed in his nightmare before he felt hands on his chest.

“Dad!” Vanessa cried out and his eyes shot open. He grabbed onto her arms and looked around the room. “Dad I can hear you screaming from down the hall are you okay?” 

   Vanessa didn’t want to be next to him so mad, but his screams were scaring her more than the storm outside. 

“I’m...I’m fine baby” he let out in heavy breaths. “Go back to sleep” he knew he wasn’t feeling right. Whatever he was dreaming scared the living shit out of him. He was just happy to be awake then. 

   Vanessa got up and moved out of his grip heading back down the hallway. He wanted to try and talk to her again, but he wasn’t in his right mind. He had to recover from his nightmare or whatever it was first. 

..................................

“Dad!” Vanessa’s voice echoed in his head. He could see his daughter but couldn’t reach her. He tried to extend his hand but nothing was there. He knew he was dreaming but couldn’t wake himself up. “Dad!” her voice screamed again and he opened his mouth to let out a cry. When he did he left the dreamworld and woke up to darkness.

   He felt around looking for the lamp on the table next to the couch, but didn’t feel it, beneath it it felt more like a bed. He figured he might have gone to his room and not remembered. He felt around for a nightstand and when he found it switched on that light. 

   He could barely open his eyes as he stood up to get the blood flowing through his body again. He ran his fingers through his hair but immediately became confused. Why was his hair shorter? Where was all of it. He went to feel his beard but it was gone. His eyes shot open and he looked around. Nothing was familiar. It wasn’t his apartment. Wasn’t his bedroom. He was sure he had to be dreaming. He closed his eyes and held them before shooting them open again. Same room. 

   He turned and saw the door and began running to it, but he stopped dead in his tracks after he passed a mirror hanging over a vanity. He couldn’t believe what he had just seen. He stepped back slowly and was met with his reflection. But it wasn’t him. Staring back at Jared was the pale, tattooed, green haired villain he had played not long ago. 

“I’m dreaming, I’m dreaming” he kept saying to himself. But his voice wasn't his own. It was the He touched his bare chest, his face, his hair,  he pinched his arm but when he didn’t wake up he slapped himself harder. He didn’t wake up. “Vanessa” he whispered. He had to check on his daughter. Hearing he voice would wake him up he figured. It was a dream, nothing had to make sense. 

   He ran out of the room and called out for her with no response. He felt paralyzed looking around. It was the Jokers apartment he spent so much time filming in. He called out his daughters name again but she wasn’t there. It felt so real standing there and calling for her. 

“Boss” a voice behind him said and almost made him jump fifty feet in the air “Boss who are you calling for? Who’s Vanessa?”

   He turned around to see Johnny Frost. But not the actor. He was there in his black suit and purple tie. Looking at him like he was the crazy one. Immediately his mind went to the worst scenario. Someone had to be playing a sick joke on them or someone was after them. Were him and Vanessa kidnapped? All his confusion took him over and he lunged at the man before him. Pinning him against the wall. He was surprised by his own strength. 

“Where’s my daughter?!” 

“Wha.... what daughter?”

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Hope you enjoyed the first part! If you would like to be on a tag list for the ongoing chapters, please reply below with “tag” thanks guys!  🖤