#Outer x Nightmare ship kid

[fantasblog]

Combos Squads:Combos informations and Their Backstory's

JOCK (crossmare combo):

HE likes Sports and cooking

his dislikes Carrots

He is good at flirting with someone

Nerd (scifell combo):

He likes sciencefiction and Cremation his dislikes Being Trouble and tricked

He is mustard lover

Echo(fatal error x lavender combo):

He likes Flowers and stories

his dislikes is spooky month and Hates all fridays

He is good at playing games and protective

Starbeam (outerror combo):

She likes looking at stars and Selfies

her dislikes is glitches on her phone and chaos

Periwinkle (epicmare combo)

Spark404 (bill404 combo)

All combos shipchildren belongs to me

!Do not repost or use my art without my permission and you can reblog this!

[theavaricesystem]

You know what, y'all are getting this essay now.

Metroid Fusion is a game about being transgender and being haunted by the idea of who you could have been/who you were, and Metroid Dread is about abusive and neglectful family and being prosecuted for factors outside of one's control.

This will have spoilers for Metroid Fusion and Metroid Dread.

In the intro to Fusion, Samus Aran is working with a part of the galactic government, as a sort of freelancer. While on a mission, she is attacked by an amorphous alien lifeform which suddenly disappears after invading her suit. Later, while in transit, she suddenly loses motor functions and crashes her ship into an asteroid.

The lifeform, known as an X, had fused to her body, slowly killing her and destroying her from within. It was so deeply connected to her at that point that the doctors and scientists trying to save Samus were at a loss. They had removed parts of her suit hoping to quarantine the X and reverse the process, but it was deep in her central nervous system at this point.

As Samus' narration puts it:

By taking a sample of Metroid DNA and splicing it with Samus', her body was able to adapt and absorb the X. This was only possible because the X are describes as being of "nearly pure energy", and Metroid being creatures that absorb energy, are one of their only predators.

Now, what does that have to do with an allegory for being trans? Well.

Being Part Metroid is not a reversible process. And it's not without its problems. Metroids are naturally vulnerable to cold, and while Samus used to be able to handle at least close to arctic temperatures without her Varia Suit, she is now barely able to even handle research facilities in said areas. On top of that, her suit is now more deeply connected to her than it ever has been before. It saved her, kept her alive while the X tried to ravage her body, but now it is an inescapable part of her.

But, she had been given the ability to consume X parasites. Her body was now, in part, Metroid in nature. She had won against the X that sought to kill her.

This is the image that really cements it in my brain. Samus has become a different person. She was reborn as a hybrid of Human, Chozo, and Metroid. Samus, for her part, accepts this pretty quickly, even reflecting that her life up to this point was leading up to this. The Metroid DNA that saved her came from the infant Metroid that saved her way back in Super Metroid, after all.

(I could go into how the change has caused her suit to become softer, and slightly weaker, and how much of the outer plating of her suit has been lost, and how that plays into the theme of transition, but that feels a bit more tenuous of a connection.)

Now, let's move to the antagonist of Fusion.

Samus' old suit, the parts removed by the scientists to get to her, was quarantined on a space station. However, the X inside began to replicate Samus herself, until they had become a copy of her at the peak of her power, but devoid of any humanity. A killing machine.

This is referred to as SA-X.

(that reveal scene gave me nightmares as a kid)

Throughout Fusion, you're attempting to basically get Samus back to the level of power that she had, in order to contend with and defeat the SA-X. A lot of other things happen in this game, including the personhood of Adam(who needs his own essay tbh). But, the crux of the conflict is between the SA-X, who is imitating a previous version of Samus, and Samus herself, who is desperately trying to become the person she once was, again.

The final boss of Fusion is a Metroid, not any X imitation. Despite the conflict between them, the SA-X attempts to fight this Metroid, it's natural predator, but fails. With the SA-X's death, Samus reclaims some of power that she lost, by consuming what was left of it. But, she doesn't just become the person that she was. She is permanently changed, permanently A Metroid by any standards. There is no going back.

She has taken the remnants of who she was, accepted them, and become something new, something greater.

Then, we come to Metroid Dread. In it, Samus is tasked with figuring out if the reports of X existing on a planet. A series of robots were sent to take samples and figure out if this information was true, the Extraplanetary Multiform Mobile Identifier, or E.M.M.I. units. Of course, all of them disappeared shortly after reaching the planet, and couldn't be reached. So, they sent Samus, whose unique biology made her the only living thing in the galaxy capable of surviving an attack from the X.

Samus is, in this game, the last Metroid in existence.

In the end, it is revealed that the EMMI units were taken over and controlled by a Chozo called Raven Beak. This Chozo was one of the several who gave their DNA to Samus, and he calls her Daughter throughout the ending sequence of the game.

Raven Beak's goal is to take the Metroid DNA from Samus to create a new form of bioweapon using it. Which is, for those familiar to the series, the same thing that the government has done, like, three times. Hell, it happens in Fusion, too. (The Metroids in that portion aren't even hostile to Samus, as they recognize her as one of their own.) Raven Beak was also the cause of a major schism within the Chozo, between those who wanted to exist in harmony with the universe, and those who saw it as theirs by right of their power.

Despite calling her "daughter", Raven Beak sees Samus as a tool. A source of power that he has every right to harvest. He manipulates her and pushes her to near-death to bring out her Metroid instincts, which are to Consume and Kill. He helps her become stronger, but only to make her a more complete Metroid. In his mind, her destiny is to pave the path for his dominion and control over the galaxy.

Despite never being there for her, Raven expects Samus to give her life so that he can become all-powerful. He calls it "her destiny". The process that saved her from the X in Fusion ultimately endangered her, and it is only through accepting her nature as a Metroid that she is able to survive and triumph.

Because she was a Metroid, a change that she did not choose to make but that was needed for her to survive, she became a target for Raven Beak. She was hunted by the EMMIs for her DNA, and became a monster to survive.

(it did give us the Coolest suit Samus has ever had, but still. Traumatizing for her)

In the end, Samus is of course not sacrificed upon the altar of Raven Beak's power. She escapes, and narrowly so, thanks to another Chozo who had been taken over by the X but retained his lucidity, named Quiet Robe. By willingly giving himself to Samus, she is able to regain a more normal form, but it is clear that the events of Dread have changed Samus irrevocably.

If you're still reading, I'd like to thank you for sticking with this rambling mess. And for coming to my ted talk. Lol.

[aphroditelovesu]

⤷✿.｡Since you voted yes to commissions, so here we are. I was a little unsure about the price, so I researched and tried to make it as fair as possible. I hope you agree with this! ❤️

Also, this is completely optional! If you don't want to, you don't have to request a commission! All the other requests works the same way!! ⤷♡.+ n a v i g a t i o n.

⤷♡.+ Status: OPEN.

What I would write

I write for any gender, both character and Reader/OC, be it female, male, neutral transsexual. Any.

Yandere!Character x Reader, Yandere!Reader x Yandere!Character, Yandere!OC x Reader and Yandere!OC X OC.

Dark!Au, Gore, Disorders, Smut/NSFW, explicit language, soft!yandere, alternative AU, Horror, Age gap (depends on how much).

Romantic, platonic and general Yanderes, as well as more specific themes; example: yandere x depressive!reader.

Stockholm syndrome.

Pregnancy, childbirth and death in childbirth.

Non-Con, Dub-Con, BDSM.

Fluff; non-yandere.

Monsterfucking, specific kinks.

Angst.

What I DON'T write

Any kind of NSFW content with children, anything with children will just be platonic.

I don't write NSFW with characters that have a childish appearance or personality, just platonic.

I don't usually write ships because I consider it something personal, but I can do it if someone wants to.

Age play, scap.

Minor x Adult (only platonic).

Prices (in $ and R$)

Headcanons

2,00 $/R$ 2,00 for 500 words;

6,00 $/R$ 6,00 for 1000 words;

12,00 $/R$ 12,00 for 2000 words;

NSFW content adds an additional charge of $3,00/R$3,00.

Imagines, Scenarios, Reactions, Oneshots, Prompts

3,00 $/R$ 4,00 for 500 words;

10,00 $/R$ 13,00 for 1000 words;

18,00 $/R$ 18,00 for 2000 words;

20,00 $/R$ 20,00 for 3000 words.

NSFW content adds an additional charge of $5,00/R$6,00.

My list of current fandoms, but I can always add more:

Anime

Attack on Titan, Amensia, Death Note, Demon Slayer, Diabolik Lovers, Fruits Basket, Haikyuu!!, Hakuoki, Hunter x Hunter, Jujutsu Kaisen, Kamigami no Asobi, Naruto, Mirai Nikki, One Piece, Blood of Zeus.

Books

Percy Jackson, Harry Potter, A Song of Ice and Fire, Pegasus and The Flame of Olympus (series), IT., A Court of Thorns and Roses (ACOTAR), The Bridgertons, Twilight, The Lord of the Rings, The Cruel Prince: The Folk of the Air, The Bridgertons, Twilight.

Games

Genshin Impact, Detroit Become Human, Mystic Messenger, Time Princess Dress Up (TP: characters), Yandere Simulator, My Candy Love (Amour Sucré), Arkyos Angel, A Plague Tale.

K-Pop

BTS, BLACKPINK, GOT7, EXO, BIGBANG, TWICE, AESPA, Stray Kids, ITZY, Hyuna and Dawn, Red Velvet, NCT, Monsta X, Taemin, Dreamcatcher, LE SSERAFIM, (G)I-DLE.

Series/TV Show

Game of Thrones, House of the Dragon, The Originals, The Vampire Diaries, Teen Wolf, Supernatural, Outer Banks, Friends, Brooklyn Nine-Nine, Euphoria, Reign, Bridgerton, The Flash, Supergirl, Outlander, American Horror Story, Wednesday, Riverdale, Chilling Adventures of Sabrina, The Sandman, Lucifer, Winx Club, Ragnarok, The Lord of the Rings: The Rings of Power, Invisible City (Cidade Invisível), Shadow and Bone, Adventure Time, The Witcher, Rebelde MX (RBD), Heartstopper, Hannibal, Criminal Minds, The Last Kingdom.

Movies

Disney Universe, Marvel Universe, DC Universe, Maze Runner, Halloween, Friday the 13th, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, A Nightmare on Elm Street, Transformers, How to Train Your Dragon, Miraculous, Ever After High, Monster High, Barbie Universe, Christmas Movies, Maze Runner, Avatar, Twilight, Star Wars.

K-Dramas

My Demon, Bussiness Proposal, Doom At Your Service, Hometown Cha-Cha-Cha, Crash Landing on You, My Name, Mr Queen, King the Land.

Mythology

Greek, Egyptian, Norse Mythology and Brazilian Folklore.

Historical Characters

Alexander the Great, Cleopatra, Caesar Augustus, Julius Caesar and etc...

Additional Information

I accept payment via PayPal and Pic Pay only (PayPal = Ko-Fi)

Payment must be made before I start and I will always send you updates if you ask me.

I write in English and Portuguese.

I have a deadline of 5 to 10 days to complete your commission, however, if something unforeseen happens and it ends up being delayed, I will inform you.

If I write more than what was asked, obviously there will be no additions.

If you are interested, DM me with details and feel free to ask me anything.

[bluu3berry]

My undertale/ Undertale AU, ships

Killer x - Outer, Color, Dream, Horror + Dust. Horror x - Farmer, Lust, Swap, Killer + Dust Dust x - Swap, Killer + Dust Error x - Swap

Fresh x - No one Nightmare x - No one

Ink x - Dream + Swap Swap x - Fell + Swap, Error, Ink + dream Dream x - Cross, Ink + Swap

Cross x - Dream, Ink Lust x - Horror, Dust, Himself Farmer x Horror Color x Killer Fell x - Swap + Sans

-------------------------------Undertale------------------------

Sans x - Toriel, Grillby, (AU): Swap + Fell Toriel x - Sans Grillby x Sans Undyne x - Alphys Alphys x - Asgore, Sans, Undyne Papyrus - Undyne, Mettaton (BFFs) Frisk - Monster kid (BFFs) Chara - Asriel (BFFs) Flowey - Temmie (BFFs)

Asgore x Gaster Gaster x Asgore, River-person Muffet x - Grillby, Mettaton, Asgore

[s1lverm1stsapph1re]

《L.I.F.E comic/story》

Masterpost (18+ comic)

[READ BEFORE CONTINUING!]

[COVER PAGE made by me, no stealing pls]

L.I.F.E COMIC:

MAIN STORY: [Slow up loading but has ship art and other art to keep the content sweet]

Chapter 0: A Name Fitting for Apollo (Prologue)

CHARACTER PROFLIES/INFO:

MAIN CHARACTERS:

Silver – Cross – X!Chara

STAR SANS:

Dream – Ink – Blue

BAD SANS:

Nightmare – Killer – Dust – Horror – Error

SHIPS & PLATONIC DUO:

VELVET COCO: [MAIN TEAM + POSSIBLY MORE?>:)]

[CROSS + SILVER] <- [CLICK ME!]

CHAOTIC DUO: [Platonic/Siblings at heart]

[FRESH + SILVER] <- [CLICK ME!]

MERCY DUO: [Platonic/Siblings at heart]

[OG!FRISK + SILVER] <- [CLICK ME!]

DANGER DUO: [Platonic/ Siblings at heart]

[OG!CHARA + SILVER] <- [CLICK ME!]

CROCHET DUO: [Platonic/Siblings at heart]

[ERROR + SILVER] <- [CLICK ME!]

EXCALIBUR DUO: [Platonic! Friends]

[BLUE + SILVER] <- [CLICK ME!]

DAWN RISE DUO: [Platonic/Siblings at heart]

[DREAM + SILVER] <- [CLICK ME!]

SCATTERBRAIN DUO: [Platonic! Friends]

[INK + SILVER] <- [CLICK ME!]

LAZY DAY DUO: [Platonic/Siblings at heart]

[CLASSIC + SILVER] <- [CLICK ME!]

HONEY MUSTARD DUO: [Platonic! Friends]

[FELL/RED + SILVER] <- [CLICK ME!]

ZONE HOP DUO: [Platonic/Siblings at heart]

[TIME KID/TK + SILVER] <- [CLICK ME!]

MEME DUO: [Platonic BFF's/Siblings at heart]

[EPIC + SILVER] <- [CLICK ME!]

NEBULA DUO: [Platonic/Siblings at heart]

[OUTER + SILVER] <- [CLICK ME!]

FASHION DUO: [Platonic/Siblings at heart]

[LUST + SILVER] <- [CLICK ME!]

SOFT SOUL DUO: [Platonic/Siblings at heart]

[GENO + SILVER] <- [CLICK ME!]

HIPPY HOP DUO: [Platonic/Siblings at heart]

[DANCE + SILVER] <- [CLICK ME!]

ALREADY MET:

Classic(Sans) – Error – Fell/Red – Outer – Fresh – Science – Farmer – Dance – Lust – Geno – Reaper – TK(TimeKid) – Bird/Skye – Epic – Mafia – X!Gaster – Frisk(OG) – Chara(OG!) – Core!Frisk

UNAFFILIATED + SOON TO MET:

Gaster!Sans – Sugar!Sans – Chess!Sans – Little!Sans – Gas!Sans – Sleek!Sans

[!MORE COMING SOON TO THIS LIST!]

MY VERSIONS OF Y/N (More to add later):

MY BABY/AKA YOU GUYS♡:

Y/N(Girl) – Y/N(Boy) – Y/N(Non-Binary)

[!MORE COMING SOON TO THIS LIST!]

OTHER ARTWORKS:

(NOTHING POSTED YET!)

ART TAGS WORKS (For others OR me):

Fanart | Gift Art | Commission | Submission | Other

[galacticwildfire]

Seven Sentence Sunday

thank you to @boleynecklace for the tag! 🩷 (it's Wednesday as I'm writing this so I'll schedule the post for Sunday)

tagging: @the-force-awakens @i-belong-to-the-stars @walkawaytall

Six 7 Sentence Sunday is a writing thing where, on Sunday, you post six 7 sentences from an unfinished work. It can be a new fic, a new chapter of a WIP, or even something you’re not sure you’ll ever post. 

Choose an excerpt from any section (and it doesn’t have to be six sentences) and post it, letting people know what it belongs to or indicating that it’s something you’re working on. 

People get a preview of what’s coming. You get some feedback on what’s there. If they like it, you might get some reblogs that will generate more interest in your story or you as a writer. 

This is for Fire Meet Gasoline, my Poe Dameron x Solo!oc story which is on ao3/wattpad. Considering this is all virtually all dialogue I've done seven little paragraph chunks instead of sentences. This is essentially set right before L'ulo's death, they'd fallen asleep talking about their mission (an excuse to have an innocent sleepover) until she woke up from a nightmare, so they're up late talking.

~

“It’s why I ended up in the Outer Rims in the first place, I was looking for the Falcon," I tell Poe. "When I heard it was stolen I just wanted to get it back, it felt like the last piece of my family that I could get back. I grew up on that ship, I learned to fly in it, hell I was born in it. You can’t understand a connection like that unless you have it and it- it's the only place that's ever truly felt like home. Flying... it's the one place I feel truly alive.”

There's an awestruck look in Poe's eye as he agrees "Exactly. Ever since I was a kid I always said I belonged to the stars and no one else understood it.”

“Yes,” I exclaim, leaning in from beside him as he puts into words what I've struggled to even name for years. “All that time I spent at university or on Ossus... my mom always said I was restless but it’s more than that, it was just never where my heart belonged."

“My dad, he could never understand it," he reminisces, the space that was once between us in the bed now non-existent. "Why at a moment's notice I’d just want to take off whenever we had a fight. It just felt like the only place to go and no one ever understood. My heart... it's just always belonged to the stars.”

“I do,” I breathe, his fingers lacing with mine as I rest my head beside his. "I understand."

His eyes are bright and my heart aches, the agony only worsening the closer his lips are to mine and yet... I've never felt such blinding light. “I know you do.”

Our breathing's unsteady as our joined hands rest atop his chest and it terrifies me, because in this moment there's no denying that our hearts burn the same, belong to the same star that burnt out so long ago only for us to be here now; lying in each other's arms with no more words needing to be spoken.

[thegiantsansshipkidproject]

Ccino Sans Ship Kids!

Ccino x Classic/ Og/Original

Ccino x Fell/Red

Ccino x Swap/Blue

Ccino x Swap Fell Red/Rotten

Ccino x Swap Fell Purple/Razz

Ccino x Swap Fell Gold/Wine

Ccino x Dream

Ccino x Nightmare

Ccino x Shattered/Corrupted Dream

Ccino x Passive Nightmare

Ccino x Ink

Ccino x Error

Ccino x Sci(ence)

Ccino x Outer

Ccino x Echo/Gaster

Ccino x Cross

Ccino x Killer

Ccino x Dust

Ccino x Horror

Ccino x Geno

Ccino x Fresh

Ccino x Reaper

Ccino x Lust

Ccino x Color

Ccino x Farm(er)

Ccino x Music Box Geno

Ccino x Code Z/Z

Ccino x Soda

Ccino x Moni

Ccino x Scarecrow

Ccino x Sin

Ccino x Saint

Ccino x Minty Fresh

Ccino x Anarchy

Ccino x Knight

Ccino x Click

Ccino x Seer

Ccino x Helia

[theshipbooklet]

What's your opinion on Killer x Outer?

Outer X Killer, hm? Well its not one of my favorites the ship is so cute. I personally prefer the versions where all the badguys have been Rehabbed and have Nightmares support. Plus Noir (The most popular ship kid I know of right now) is a very cute baby! I personally would love if the ship became more populated, its kinda on the backburner, I don't see much of it often. 100% would love to see more Ship Art of those two and Ship Kiddos!

[raccoon-with-a-pencil]

Info dump for Ophelia, Mercenary, and Devi!

Ophelia

- She eventually becomes a giant woman (like 6'4?)

- She was inspired in part by Sweeny Todd (her favorite musical)

- Although she is outgoing, she only has two friends. Their names are Scar and Rainbow Pudding. Both were made by a friend of mine.

- Ophelia is the start of a crack ship kid creating spree. I eventually want to introduce her half sister as well! (A Lust x Bird kid)

- If someone threatens her friends she would probably bite them. There is not a doubt in my mind that Ophelia isn't feral.

- Even though she talks a lot, she's good at keeping secrets if she wants to. For the most part

Mercenary

- Merc spends a lot of his time doing small deals for people

- The inspiration for his personality is "The Other Side" from the Greatest Showman. This is similar to how he meets the other gremlins to come.

- His preferred weapon type is literally anything he can turn into a weapon. Ex: A bat, pipe, random thing he found on the ground.

- The singular eye light he has is in the shape of a cross hair, like his parasite.

- If he kills someone, he lets his parasite eat their soul. It won't waste a good meal.

- Can and will murder anyone who tries to backstab him.

- Definitely mixes slang terms and talking habits of his parents. Like "The concrete shoes, my man"

Devi

- Their name is supposed to be short for Sleep Deprived. This is a nod to if you stay awake for too long you'll go insane.

- At first, touch scares them. They've been alone for as long as they can remember and struggle to understand it, but once you get to know them it's okay in moderation.

- Devi has to be one of the saddest gremlins I've made. Since just seeing the name of their parents causes concern.

- one of the reasons they don't talk is because they grew up alone and didn't need to talk to get by

- They have nightmares sometimes and doesn't really like to sleep because of it.

- Devi finds the sound of water soothing. They favor the sounds of rivers and brooks over anything else.

Other characters to come

- Xi (Reaper x Outer)

- Linux (Error x Bird)

- Smokey (G x Ink)

- Sachi (Error x Dream)

Unnamed Characters (taking suggestions for names. They may be scrapped though)

- Bird x Lust

- Horror x Sci

- Swap x Killer

- Dust/murder X Chess

[echosanon-bitties]

Name: Trialmare Nebula (Kidmare for short)

Age: 8

Clothing: a purple hoodie with dull brown pants and purple trainers

Distinguishing Features: His constellation freckles

Magical Abilities: Tentacles, Blue magic, telekinesis (weak), small blasters, dream protecting

Physical Abilities: Climbing

Disorders: Low-level social anxiety, 

Skills: Tree climbing, lullaby singing, waltz dancing

Family: 

Great-Grandmas: Shade, JJ

Grandma: Luna

Mom: Shadow

Dad: Nightmare, Outertale Sans

Parent’s Siblings: @themaskedheroine/Queen, @software-g00gle/Milla, Natt, Hoodie/Assassin Gamer 15 (on youtube),  Macky (discord), Lab (discord), And more discord auncles.

Sisters: Bella, Ella, Laya, Lollipop, Chesher (and many more bitty sisters)

Brothers: Wild, Echo, Co, Cheno, Glitchy, EC, Spiral, Stitch (and many more bitty brothers)

Pets: Timey

Bitties:

none owned by him, but lives with many.

Extra Info:

His freckles change constellations when his goop drips over it, his eye constellations also change every time he blinks. His freckles/stars also glow at night.

[bobateaboo]

A pair of Nightmare x Outer!sans twins I made! The younger twin is named Snickers, and they’re just the goop covering the physical form of the older twin, Stardust. Snickers is very upbeat and peppy, And has a love for hugs. Stardust? Mmm, not so much. They can switch between one of them being all the way in control to the other having control, or be half and half, like the digital picture.

[wildshadowtamer]

Meet one of my many kids: Trialmare Nebula! Aka Kidmare.

He has constellations in his eyes and every time he blinks, it changes! His freckles are like little stars that shine at night and if his goop drips over them, the pattern changes too!

Nobodys exactly sure who his biological parents are, aside from the obvious, but I think I've raised him rather well!

[bubbleice]

Torvix: smol blackhole

Name:  Torvix (shipchild)(=Killer Outertale?) Gender: Male

Age: 12-13 

AU: Dreamtale/Killertale/he maybe looks more one from Oute tale?? (UT AU) (the swater he wears)

Info: He cant act rude,but it depends on how people will great him. Get to know him better he might be more nice then before, again depends on how they act and tell him what's wrong or not (teach him)He loves to eat food (cake/candies) 

Magic: black magic  

(looks like black smoke that spins around,can takes stuffs from it,(anything as he wish)

(this one bad eeee- he's new character)

my bad grammer

--------------------------------

I made Torvix based of an “blackhole” they from space right? 

I also was thinking of an nightmare that kills I guess blackhole kinda works too??  But if it’s from space it must be outer right, ahhh- I cant decide help meh.. :’ 

Can you guys help me wich ship this child can be from?

KillerXOuter

KillerXNightmare

~~~~~~~~

Torvix belongs to me: @bubbleice

[folklorebitch13]

In the end, I'ts Just us. 1.

Series masterlist

summary: Your family escapes to the outer banks after traumatizing events, a broken girl meets a broken boy. Chaos ensures.

pairing: Jj maybank x Kook!female!reader

word count: 3.8K

chapter warnings: angst, trauma, ptsd, headaches, smoking weed, slight eatiting disorder, nightmares, eventual smut, lonely Jj, Jj being an asshole.

a/n: a/n: Hi everyone, how are you guys. Recently somehow I got back into obx, I started watching the show and honestly, it kinda blows but the concept is awesome and comforting, and Jj is veryyy hot. So I wrote a fanfic, it wouldn't be one of my stories if it wasn't angsty so be prepared, also there's lots of Topper in this chapter and we only meet Jj later on but it's strictly Jj x reader.

This is gonna be a series (propably short), second part will be out friday the 15th. Hope you guys like it, if not too bad because i do ;)

This is some heavy shit if you ever need to talk, I'm here :)

Chapter one: Harry’s song.

“I am not afraid of storms for I am learning to sail my ship” – Louisa May Alcott, little women.

One of the most famous book quotes to exist, it means every storm is a lesson in sailing your ship. Every obstacle and challenge is an opportunity to learn, grow, and develop new skills. But what if the obstacle is too big and the challenge impossible?

You had probably read little women about fifteen times, you knew the book by heart and you still carried your old worn-out copy in your bag. Though you wouldn’t read the book soon, you wouldn’t read any book soon, as much as you loved it, reading wasn’t something you did anymore. Reading made your head hurt, concentrating on anything made your head hurt.

You weren’t always like this, living with always at least one earbud in. The wires were tangled and the white was slightly turning a weird shade of beige but the thing could temporarily keep the pain away. A year ago you wouldn’t have thought your 17-year-old self would suffer from a chronic disease. 

It was all so stupid it drove you mad. You were a young girl in a big city, with absent parents and spending too much time alone. What does a rich girl do when she's alone in her New York City apartment once again while her parents are on a “work trip”, probably both cheating on each other. You threw a party, now you don't remember any of it but here's how it went according to your friends and your parents.

You drank too much, way too much, your boyfriend Harry, brought you to your room and 20 minutes later they found you on the sidewalk in a small pool of blood, your foot at an angle it shouldn't be. You call that foot your zombie foot now because it still looks weird and probably forever will. Anyways.

You loved Harry, his blonde curls and brown eyes, he was smart and charming. He read Russian literature then lend you his books, would laugh if you didn't understand something before explaining it. He had planned out your lives, when you'd get married, how many kids you'd have, and what their names would be.

You didn't believe he pushed you off that balcony that night, there is no other logical explanation of what happened but there is no way your Harry would've done this to you. 

A lot changed after that night, your parent's suddenly started acting like they cared, as if they remembered they were supposed to be parents, and stayed by your side, almost all the time. Harry got sentenced but where he was, or how long he'd have to serve was kept silenced from you, you were being kept in the dark by everyone, parents, friends. 

A month ago your parents grew tired, you didn't know if it was of their reputation, if they were embarrassed about their marriage that was so obliviously crumbling or if they were tired of you. Their child, who spent days crumbled up in bed crying in agony because of a headache and heartbreak. Their child who spent nights curled up on the cold tiles of the bathroom after throwing up, listening to Harry's favorite song like it was the last thing tying her to him.

So they broke the news to you, you were moving to the Outer Banks; paradise on earth, where they met each other, got married, and had you before moving to the big city. 

You begged and cried to them to let you stay until you got on the plane, where you spent most of the time curled up in a blanket, music at the highest volume, tears silently leaving your eyes as you tried to ignore the pounding in your head and the turning of your stomach.

There was this vibe here in the outer banks, that made you feel like you had no other choice but to be happy, the sun was bright, you could hear the birds and the weather was nice, but this only frustrated you.

You had only been in the huge villa for a few hours when your parents came into your room, your room was already put in order for you, it had furniture and all, no personality. You had organized your books though, the library was not big enough to fit your collection so you left the rest besides your bed and got in bed.

 It was no surprise to your parents that they found you in your bed, staring at your ceiling and listening to Harry's favorite song, yet again. "Y/n there's company coming for dinner, get dressed," your mother said, "I don't want to" you answered. Your mother sighed, "well you have to, put some makeup on".

If you had the energy you would've yelled at her, you know children aren't supposed to yell at their parents, but you would show them respect if they started acting like parents. Instead, you closed your eyes and told yourself you were all right before getting up and putting on makeup.

🌊

When the bell rang, and your mother opened the door, and you were standing next to your father ready to welcome the guests, just for a second you remembered what it felt like to be your parent's daughter. Wearing a nice dress and a pretty smile, polite and quiet yet not boring. You remembered you hated that person.

"Hello, hello oh my god it's been so long" a woman in a neat dress comes in, her dark hair tied back into a bun, "Cynthia I'm so happy to see you" your mother hugs 'Cynthia'. When Cynthia lets go of your mother her eyes fall on you. 

"Oh dear, you must be Y/n, I can't believe this you are so pretty, last time I saw you you were just a little baby," she says giving you a big hug, suffocating you. "Meet my son, Topper" your gaze meets a boy around our age, tall, blonde, basically a Ken doll. Quite handsome, but not your type.

You remember your manners and stick out your hand, "Nice to meet you, I'm Y/n" you say, your voice soft, slightly raspy as if you haven't talked in ages. "I'm Topper," he says offering you a small smile. "I baked a pie, shall we bring this to the dinner table?" your mother offers, you feel like you're in a 50's household.

Sitting at the dinner table, poking in your pie with your fork but never actually taking a bite, you share a few glances with Topper. His mother and your mother used to be best friends. 

"Aren't you going to eat any of your mother's pie, dear? You should, put some meat on those bones huh, wouldn't want my daughter-in-law looking unhealthy" Cynthia laughs, her laugh demonically echoing in your ears. You should put some meat on your bones? Daughter-in-law? 

"Excuse me?" you ask your eyebrows knitting together and anger starting to burn in your stomach, "I didn't mean to offend you-" Cynthia gets cut off by her son. "Could you show me where the toilet is?" Topper asks, "please". Your mother gave you a look, so you obediently got up and walked away, the blonde on your heels.

"I don't actually need to go to the toilet, I just wanted to apologize for my mother's behavior," Topper said, "It's fine" you sighed. "No, it's not, I'm sorry, what she said was inappropriate," Topper says, you shrug your shoulders before he continues.

 "No, because you see, the thing is, I kinda have a reputation here of being a rich asshole. And It's hard to change such a reputation but since you're new, I just kinda hoped you'd make your own opinion, and I'd have a chance to prove I'm not all that bad and I don't want my mom fucking that shit up for me you know?".

"Don't worry I'm not letting your mother cloud my judgment" you say offering a small smile. "okay... that's Uhm, that's cool... so you wanna like, hang out? I can show you around Figure Eight" He says, scratching the back of his neck in anticipation of what you're gonna answer.

"what's figure eight?" you ask, "I'll explain if you come with me," he says, a smirk appearing on his face. "You know what, sure, I'll come" you answer. After Topper gives your parent's a rushed explanation about how he's going to show you around and you're gonna be home before dinner, blah blah blah, you're on your way.

As you're walking down the street of the Outer Banks Topper gives you the basic explanations, figure eight, the cut, the kooks, the pogues. After giving a snide remark about how stupid their divisions are the walk is silent for a while. 

Topper is the one who breaks thus silence, "You limp a little," he refers to your foot which was broken during your fall off the balcony, a wonder you can walk on it despite its condition when they found you.

"Yes I do" is your smart answer, "can I ask why?", "you can but I probably won't answer," you say with a smirk on your face. "Let me ask you this then, can you swim?".

🌊

"Topper I'm not wearing a bikini" you laugh as he starts taking off his clothes, "well you better start wearing them, because you're in the Outer Banks now baby, we live in swimwear". When Topper said he was gonna show you around you didn't think you'd end up on his boat, because yes, this 17-year-old guy owned a boat. 

"Besides what's the difference between underwear and a bikini," he says already stripped down to his swim shorts, "I don't know" you chuckle, "there just is!". He steps to the edge of the boat, "I've seen girls in underwear before, don't flatter yourself Y/n" he grins before doing a backflip into the water. Show off.

"So you coming or not?" he yells when he comes back up, his hair flat on his head as he rubs his hands down his face to get the water out of his eyes. "Fuck it" you mutter, you turn your back to Topper and quickly discard yourself of your clothes, leaving you in your black underwear. 

It was not your nicest underwear but it had a layer of lace over the cups so at least it looked good. Luckily you wore matching basic black panties, not that impressing Topper was something you held close to your heart. you swiftly turned back around and jumped in the water. 

"Holy shit it's cold" you hiss when you get back up, "you'll get used to it" Topper chuckles, "Sooo... there's a party tomorrow, on the beach, you coming with me?" he asks swimming closer. 

"Why are you so insistent on us being friends?" you ask, "because like I said, I'd like a chance to prove not only to you but to myself that I'm not a huge dick anymore and you look like you could use a friend, smile more" he chuckles.

"Sure, I'll co-" before you can answer you are interrupted by the sound of a boat and a bunch of teenagers laughing. You turn and see a boat coming, some blonde at the front doing some weird shit with his beer, the others cheering and laughing. You swim to Topper so you face him, "who are they?" you ask, "they're trouble, not people you want to be associated with" Topper answers, glaring towards the boat and pulling you closer to him. 

"What do you mean? are they a bunch of scary pogues" you laugh in a mocking tone, "my ex-girlfriend, Sarah she used to be called kook princess, then she cheated on me with a pogue, he used to be in their friend group" Topper explains. "So where are Sarah and the pogue today, are they on that boat?" you ask your smirk less confident as you see the seriousness on Topper's face. 

"They are not on that boat no, you see the pogue was kinda crazy because his father went missing at sea, he shot an officer and he ran away, Sarah went with him, they both died at sea during a storm," he says glaring at the boat as it passes by. "I'm sorry Topper, that must've been very hard for you," you say while looking at the boat pass by, finding three people already looking back.

🌊

It was the last Saturday before school started again and JJ was doing alright, unlike most of the time recently. JJ took it hard not having John B, and even Sarah, around anymore. At least he still had Kie and Pope, except that he didn't completely have them because since they started going out he was always third-wheeling. 

He knew they felt bad for him, often inviting him, until he started declining because he would always end up at the front of the boat with his feet in the water and a warm beer in his hands while Kiara and Pope were making out at the back.

And when he started declining they eventually stopped inviting him. But today was different, Jj craved having his friends back, so they were on the boat, in the bright sun, with two rules, have fun and don't kiss. And while his two friends were laughing at his attempt to do his stupid beer trick, for a second he felt like how he used to feel, happy.

"Oh shit" Kiara sighs and Jj lowers his beer, "That's Topper's boat isn't it?" she asks, Jj looks and sees what she's talking about, a bit further he can see Topper's boat and two figures in the water, Topper and some girl. 

"Who is that with him?" Pope asks, "maybe a tourist," Jj says to which Kiara playfully rolls her eyes, "Jj school starts the day after tomorrow, all the tourists are long gone by now". Jj shrugs his shoulder and watches Topper glare at the boat while talking to the girl, he wonders if they're dating and when she turns to look at the boat he wonders how Topper was able to pull a girl that pretty.

🌊

You pulled up at Topper's house around nine, your parents didn't seem to care you were going to a party the night before school started, they were just glad you were doing teenager stuff again. "Nice dress," Topper comments, when he gets out of his house, "thanks" you answer. You're wearing a simple summer dress, but it's nice, you like it. Harry would've liked it.

"Don't tell me you came on your bike" Topper groans, "what's wrong with my bike?" you ask, looking at your vintage orange bike. "First of all it's orange" Topper chuckles, "It's vintage, it's not an ugly orange, it's nice" you defend your bike. 

"Well I'll put it in the trunk of my car but we're not going to this party on bikes," he says. "I'm starting to get why you have the reputation of an asshole" you joke to which he slaps you at the back of your head, laughing you get into the passenger seat of his car, waiting for him to put your bike in the trunk. 

When he gets into the driver's seat you chuckle "an asshole and abusive", "I should wash your mouth out with soap" he shakes his head and you give him a wink before he starts driving.

The drive is peacefully silent, "so why exactly is there a party the night before school starts?" you ask. "It's kind of a kook's tradition. A way of saying fuck you to the new school year and I mean come on what's a better way to start the school year than with alcohol, music, and hot chicks" he laughs, "kook's tradition? so is it only kooks?" you question, "Uhm yeah basically" he answers.

"Can we just leave my bike in the trunk of your Jeep? won't it get like stolen" you ask the blonde, "don't worry no kook is gonna steal your little vintage bike" he laughs. The party is nice, people are dancing everywhere, in the water around the bonfire. 

You slightly cringe at how different these people are than what you're used to, girls calling each other silly and goofy for taking a shot, guys cheering and howling like they're at a football match when two girls make out.

Then you meet Topper's friends, Kelce and some guy named Rafe. Kelce is the definition of a douchebag and even Topper looks uncomfortable, you understand his reputation now, if all his friends are like this. Rafe is worse than Kelce though, because he's quiet and stares like a creep. Probably because he's high out of his mind.

"Let's go sit down somewhere, yeah," Topper says, his hand on the small of your back, "Kelce why don't you go get us some drinks", "I'm on it," Kelce says before walking off. Topper, Rafe, and you end up sitting somewhere a little more closed off from the actual party, Rafe rolls a joint and while you pass around the joint, you find yourself having quite a good time.

When the first joint burned out, another's being rolled, You laugh at some of Rafe's jokes and he chuckles at your sarcastic comments. Rafe doesn't talk much, you're not sure what his deal is but at least you think he's enjoying himself. 

"Hi, Toppi so this is where you've been hiding?" A girl comes up to Topper and takes place in his lap, she's pretty, with long legs, a tan body, and long blonde hair. "who's this" she asks when she sees you, there's a hint of venom in her voice and you subconsciously scoot closer to Rafe. 

"That's Y/n she's new he-" the girl doesn't let him finish and presses her lips to his, red nails raking through his hair. You look away and luckily Rafe passes you the joint. 

As you inhale Rafe turns to you and whispers in your ear, "That's Kayleigh, she's been obsessed with him since they were children and now that Sarah is out of the picture she's all over him, all of the time", "yikes" you mutter, the smoke leaving your lungs.

Kayleigh's lips leave Rafe's with a plop, "did you guys say anything?" she pants, "perhaps we should go somewhere more quiet Toppi, less... crowded". Sadly you don't miss her hand stroking over his crotch, "I don't know..." Topper says giving you a look, he clearly wants to go but doesn't want to leave you alone because that doesn't really prove he's much of a gentleman. 

"You should go it's fine, I mean it," you say giving him an almost pleading look, "I'll be back in a moment," he says, following the giggling Kayleigh. "I hope you know he won't be back in at least an hour," Rafe says, you just sigh in response. 

"So... you're new here who have you met?" Rafe asks, awkwardly trying to make conversation. "Uhm, just Topper and now You and Kelce... Kayleigh I guess, saw a few pogues on a boat yesterday" you answer. "You should stay away from them pogues," Rafe says, "why? because of the whole story with topper's ex, Sarah was it?" you ask. 

"Topper's ex is also my sister" he sighs, "oh Rafe, I'm sorry I didn't know, I'm sorry for what happened to her" you apologize, "it's fine, she was a bitch anyways," he says with a huff. "Oh" you can't find anything else to say.

After a long awkward silence, you break it, "hey my head's starting to hurt so I'm just gonna uh, head home" you awkwardly tell Rafe, "All right, see you around" he says before staring at some random shell in the sand. Okay.

You scan the area to see if you can find Topper but you have no luck and end up walking to his truck alone. You get your bike, that's luckily still there, out of the trunk and put your earplugs in, David Bowie blasting full volume as you bike away from the party.

It's quite peaceful to drive home at night, you find yourself thinking maybe you should wake up very early in the mornings and go for bike rides while it's still dark. But honestly, who are you kidding, you're not mentally well enough to do that typa shit, and biking can still be somewhat exhausting for your zombie foot.

You're not even that far from the party when you stumble upon something, at first you drove by it, then you realized what you just saw and dropped your bike before running back. "Holy shit" you whisper, "please don't be dead". A blonde guy is laying in the bushes, despite his beat-up face you recognize him as the pogue doing something weird with his beer.

You take out your phone and turn the flashlight on, right as you shine it in the guy's face you feel tiny drops of rain hitting your skin, "shit" you mutter and look up, angry-looking clouds fill up the sky and you can hear thunder. 

The guy in the bushes groans and you bring your attention back to him, "hey you need to try to get up, I think there's a storm coming" you say, the guy slightly opens one eye, the other shut from it being swollen and dark shades of purple and blue. 

When he sees you he groans and closes his eye again, "fuck off kook" he mutters, "don't start with that kook/pogue shit, there's a storm coming up and you are not dying on my account," you angrily say grabbing his hands and yanking him out of the bushes.

"Holy fuck" he says when he's on his feet, "my head spins" he mutters and holds onto your shoulders for balance, "It's okay, can you stand?" you ask. He lets go of your shoulders and opens his eye, "yeah I think so" his voice is groggy. 

"C'mon we need to get you on the back of my bike" you mutter helping him walk towards where your bike is abandoned on the ground. "Don't you have daddy's car something" he groans, "well if I did I wouldn't have told you to get on the back of my bike, now would i" you answer. 

You let go of him to sit on your bike and he struggles a bit to get on the back but eventually, his head rests against your shoulder, his whole weight slumped against your back. You groan and start biking, your legs burning already. 

After a few minutes the guy speaks up, "you're going really fucking slow," he's right, "well you are very fucking heavy and I'm not an athlete so pardon me" you groan.

[criminallyvenomous]

Fighting Leads to Fxxking

Masterlist

Chapter Nine - Just Eyeliner and a Gun

Ship - Loki x Stark! Reader

Word Count - 1,059

Tw - Therapist Nat and Himbo Thor

Plot - Stark! Reader get stuck watching Loki after the events of 2012. Moments of weakness and bad decisions involving the world's most hated man lead to the worst possible outcome, pregnancy.

You had spent the night in Nat’s apartment. The couch wasn’t the comfiest for lying down and crying in, but she was rarely home so you forgave her decoration choices, or rather lack thereof.

“What’s going on?” She opened the door, after thoroughly determining you weren’t a spy trying to infiltrate her apartment using your face.

“Tony’s back to his old ways.” You invited yourself in and immediately laid face down onto the couch, already starting your comfort analysis as you sobbed.

“I’m going to kill him. What did he say?” She sat next to you, moving your hair in an attempt to see your face. You tilted to turn your head to her before you answered.

“He thinks he deserves to know who the father is and that this can’t be hard for me because he fought in a war.” You sighed.

“Y/N, trauma isn’t a comparable thing. Everyone’s experiences in life are different and valid.” She reassured you, and it actually made your feel better.

“Thank you.”

“Is Pepper okay?”

“I don’t know. I left before I could tell. He was screaming at her, Nat. He was drinking straight from the bottle. It was just like last time, except this time, I left before I could say anything stupid.”

“That was a smart decision, kid. You prioritized yourself and your baby. Stress is hard on your body, even when you’re not pregnant.” You nodded.

Her bedroom door opened, revealing a man in just his boxers.

“Pregnant? Are you pregnant, Emily?” He questioned. You looked to Nat as she gave you a ‘don’t ask’ expression.

“Go home, Scott.” He agreed and grabbed his belongings, leaving with a handful of clothes, afraid to take the time to get dressed.

“Do I ask?” You snorted, glad you were feeling humor for the first time today.

“Listen, I don’t ask you what you do in your down time.”

“Fair enough.” You both laughed together, enjoying the awkwardness and even embracing it.

“I wish I could drink right now.” You admitted, chuckling as she followed suit.

“I have something better than alcohol. It soothes the soul just right.” She explained and you were concerned, but accepting of whatever Russian trick came to follow.

She grabbed her TV remote and made you close your eyes as she found what she was looking for.

“Welcome back to Love Island!” The TV blasted and you erupted in laughter.

“Hey, there is nothing better than shitty reality TV. You get to get out of your own life for fifty minutes and enjoy watching privileged hotties make stupid decisions.”

The next two days basically concluded entirely of binge-watching the entire season of Love Island and watching random Kitchen Nightmare episodes. You never wondered what Natasha Romanoff, the Black Widow, did to unwind. Now, you get it. It was just sad she had to leave again, this time for a mission even you weren’t allowed to know the location of.

“Can’t I just stay here by myself?” You pleaded and she laughed.

“Nice try. You’re a barely adult pregnant with some alien spawn, you need a babysitter.” She said as she grabbed her suitcase, it was small enough to fit in carry-on. She explained earlier that she doesn’t need much on the road, just eyeliner and a gun.

“Can’t I get Bruce to come over?”

“No way. I’m not risking him Hulking out over your shared complaining about my furniture.”

“What about Barton?”

“He has a family, Y/N. I already called Thor, stop trying to get out of it.”

“How do you even call him? He’s in outer space. I doubt they have T-Mobile on Asgard.” You raised a valid point.

“I have this weird pager thing that works in space. I don’t what it is or what it does, Fury gave it to me in case of emergencies. He said he didn’t want to bothered with Asgardians for awhile. Maybe a satellite?” She pondered.

“That’s actually kind of cool. But, can’t you stay another day? I don’t want to finish the two-parter Kitchen Nightmares special by myself and I know how much you love Gordon.”

“I stayed an extra day yesterday. I have to go now. The spare keys are in the junk drawer and takeout menus are on the fridge. Just remember-“

“I know, never say Natasha Romanoff lives here. I get it. We’ve gone over your covert spy regulations like ten times by now.”

“It saves lives, Y/N. Now I have to go, give me a hug for good measure.” You walked up to her and she wrapped her arms around you, separating herself to instead kneel in front of you, she placed her hand on your stomach.

“Goodbye, baby Thor. I’ll miss you.” You laughed.

“I think you should know, it’s a girl.” You told her. She stood back up and grabbed you, pulling you into a tighter hug than before.

“I can’t wait to meet her, the future Princess of Asgard.”

She left. Hours later a knock was sounded on the door. You paused the DVR and walked to the peephole, seeing an armored chest at the eye-level. Thor.

“Little Stark! The bearer of an heir!” He greets you as you shush him, ushering him into the apartment.

“Nat said we can’t vocalize any identifiers. Her words, not mine.” You laugh.

“I do not understand the sentiment, but I accept the terms.” He earnestly said, and you laughed internally.

"So, what do you want to do?" You tried to fill the awkward silence.

"Do you wish to buy some garb fit for children?"

"Do you mean go baby shopping?" You corrected, laughing.

"Of course. Shall we?" He asked.

"Uh, I need to shower and get ready. There's a TV with a stocked DVR in the living room."

"There were several words in that sentence that were just letters," He paused, "I shall retire to the room of living." You chucked as you headed towards the bathroom.

Nat had just about every form of self care possible in her cabinet. She had a thorough skin-care regimen that you honestly respected. You overheard Thor become frustrated as he pushed random buttons on the remote, confused by the different channels.

"Aha! I have found something worthy of my efforts." He yelled, triumphantly.

It was the classical music channel.

hope u enjoyed a little adorable nat chapter! dt my bestie rae and her addiction to love island. comment if i should do a taglist? don't choke my little guttersluts - kat.

Next Chapter

[wkemeup]

Sunrise (1)

summary: After an explosion takes his arm and his only sense of belonging, Bucky is content to live out the rest of his days in the hollow comfort of the dark. This is, until Sam drags him down to the local VA and he meets you. (Modern AU) pairings: bucky x reader chapter word count: 3.5k warnings: heavy focus on Bucky’s PTSD/anxiety, the first splinter in the wall around Bucky’s heart 🧡 series masterlist / series playlist

This was a bad idea. A monumentally bad idea.  

Bucky closed his apartment door behind him, pausing for a moment at the top of brownstone steps as a chill of autumn air swept by. Brittle to the touch, cool on his skin, it nestled into his spine and ached deep in his bones— in ones that had been long abandoned, too. The sun reflected against the shine of the pavement from last night’s rainfall, forcing Bucky to squint his eyes.  

Was it always so bright outside? Maybe it was the fact that he hadn’t left his apartment for nearly a week before Sam threatened to turn him over to Steve that he’d forgotten how unpleasant the streets of New York could be. Loud. Cold. Chaotic.

He stepped onto the sidewalk, slipping out of the path of a jogger who nearly ran him over and had the gull to flip him the bird. Bucky groaned, curling his right hand into a fist and digging it deep into his pocket as he tried to calm the sudden racing in his chest. The free arm of his army jacket swung down by his left side, empty.  

Not even a few steps outside the sanctuary of closed curtains, warm bedsheets, and the unattended static of a decade old television, and Bucky was already regretting ever knowing Sam Wilson.  

Bucky turned towards the busy street ahead, staring up at the hustle of pedestrians and rush of taxis for a moment longer before he dared to take a step. His feet felt remarkably heavy and he had more than half a mind to tell Wilson to shove it and head back up to his apartment. He had better things to do than make a completely unnecessary trip to the VA.  

What those things were, he couldn’t say, but they didn’t make his heart feel like it was about to beat straight out of his chest. He could stare at a wall for a few hours, for example – see if he could find the crack in the drywall again and follow it to the ceiling.  

“Don't be a coward, Barnes,” Bucky grumbled to himself, earning a strange look from an elderly woman as she passed by. Her eyes held on him longer than she should; clearly a woman who had little shame in her degradation of strangers. 

He gritted his teeth and commanded his legs to move. Those worked, at least.  

As he made his way to the main street, his palm started to sweat inside his pocket. He could see his breath in every tense exhale, and still, he was boiling hot under his jacket. There wasn’t a chance in hell he’d remove it, because even with a sleeve hanging loose off his shoulder, he could at least keep up the pretense there was something inside. People would have to look twice before they realized. Wasn’t so easy to hide a missing arm in a short sleeve shirt.  

Still—he was thankful as he weaved his way upstream through the crowd that he wasn’t as broad as he used to be. A couple months' worth of weight loss, diminished muscle mass, and one less limb will do that do a guy.  

He used to be the sort of man that women would glance at as he passed by. Charming smile. Infectious energy. He could make a woman bite shamelessly at the edge of her bottom lip with a single trail of his eyes along her figure. Extend a hand, offer a drink and a dance. He used to hold confidence in every ounce of his body.  

Now, he kept his eyes on the pavement. He hid from the sun and the curious looks of strangers under the brim of a baseball cap. No one looked twice in his direction. He was invisible these days and that was just the way he liked it.  

By the time he reached the VA, he was surprised to find it a little less than pristine. The windows were dirty with handprints and smudges, the window panes covered in soot. A few of the roofing panels were missing from harsh New York winters. Even some of the outer brick wall had seen some weathering.  

Though, if he were honest, it wasn’t usual at all. Made some sense that the VA was left to wash and wear on its own, deteriorating in front of a busy street of onlookers, right out in plain sight. It was how Bucky felt after he’d come home from his last tour— discarded. Placed upon a pedestal, but only as long as you wear the uniform, only as long as you’re staring down the other end of a barrel. Once you’re shipped back home and cast out from desert, you’re made to fend for yourself. Pull up your bootstraps. Adjust.

Bucky wasn’t sure how to do that anymore. Sam insisted this would help. The people at the VA were good, he’d said. They were like him. They’d understand.  

While Bucky was suspicious, it was enough to drag him a couple blocks from his apartment. It was more than he’d done in weeks anyway. Sam would put on his makeshift shrink hat and call that a meaningful step. Bucky would call it pathetic.  

He stared at the double doors, focusing on dark red rust on the metal hinges. He wondered if he put enough pressure on the latch if it would snap clean off. It looked sharp on the edges, too. Someone could easily cut themselves on it if they weren’t careful—

BEEEEEEP!

A jolt surged through Bucky’s chest enough to nearly knocked him off his feet.  

Sudden flashes of a sweltering heat, the unnatural vibration of the desert under his feet. The car horn echoed into the back of his head, longer than it should have, and his ears started to ring. His vision felt tunneled and Bucky quickly stumbled his way through the double doors just to escape the blare of the horn outside.  

It took a minute to adjust to the dim lighting. It was darker inside than what he was expecting. He blinked a few times, hand resting on the wall to hold his balance as he looked around, shaking himself from the memories.  

Lamps were spread throughout the common room to offset the abrasive overhead lighting left untouched. Bucky started to wonder if he maybe it was on purpose, if he wasn’t the only one who had become sensitive to these things, when Sam walked into the room.  

He froze.  

“Holy shit!” Sam’s mouth rose up into that goddamn know-it-all smile, wide enough to show teeth and the dimples in his cheeks, and Bucky winced. Sam started to laugh as he crossed the space to where Bucky was standing. “I didn’t think you’d actually come!”

“Yeah, well,” Bucky shrugged, “I’m here. Don’t make this a big thing.”

“Who me?” Sam scoffed, feigning offense. “You know Steve’s the one who’s going to blow this up. He might throw a welcome party if you ever show up to the support group.”

Bucky rolled his eyes. “That’s not happening.”

“Yeah, I figured as much.” Sam nodded, though he was still smiling. He looked almost... proud? It didn’t sit well in Bucky’s stomach. “Still, got you out of that cramped apartment, didn’t I? You open those curtains yet or are you still living like a vampire?”

Bucky glared at him. Sure, Sam was right... but he didn’t need to know that.  

“Come on, I’ll show you around.” Sam put a hand on Bucky’s back to guide him down the hall.  

He was only one of two people Bucky tolerated touching him at all and he was lucky he didn’t flinch anymore. Even an innocent touch from his own mother when she tried to hold his hand after he came back from his final tour had nearly left him in a panic attack. She’d cried as Bucky desperately tried to gather his breath, shoving her away as if she’d burned him.  

Sam and Steve didn’t give him much of a choice. They didn’t handle him with kid gloves or treat him like he was about to break. Even if he was splintering at the seams, you’d never be able to tell with how Sam and Steve were around him; like old times, like nothing had changed, like they were still three kids dressed in fresh uniforms with chips on their shoulders and a whole new world ahead of them.

After a while, the small pats on the back and the nudges in his side became a small comfort; not that he’d tell them. It was a strange feeling to both be repulsed by touch and crave it. But the topic didn’t come up much these days outside of his friends anyway. No one tried to touch him and he didn’t seek it out. It was easier that way.  

“The kitchen’s over here,” Sam said as he pointed into a room that had likely once been covered in white tiles and appliances, though now resembled more of a pale yellow. Two men were hunched over at the table, nursing coffee out of Styrofoam cups as a woman waited eagerly by a toaster.  

“Everything in there is free rein,” Sam added. “Always stocked with food from donations, though I would make sure to check the expirations on the milk before adding it to your coffee.” He shivered at an unpleasant memory and Bucky found the edge of his mouth curl, though he suppressed it rather quickly. 

The next room was mostly empty save for the wooden lined floors and chairs folded up against the wall. A sheet covered the small window peering inside that read ‘group in session when closed.’

“I know what you’re thinking,” Sam started, to which Bucky narrowed his eyes, “but I’m not going to force you into the support group, Buck. You go when you’re ready. If you ever are. Talking about this stuff, or even listening to it... it isn't for everybody. Steve will get that, too. We all find our outlets eventually. You’ll find yours, too.”  

Bucky nodded, a swell of relief in his chest. He’d been forced into a mental evaluation by the army docs shortly after his discharge; something about routine testing, but he knew what they were looking for – what all those shrinks were looking for – Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  

The nightmares came first, soon after he’d returned to the States. It started in screams that burned deep into his throat, waking up neighbors at two in the morning, finding blood in his bed from injuries he’d caused in his sleep. Lately they’d manifested into sweat drenched in his sheets and a heart rate that couldn’t seem to even out until the sun rose.  

Then came the jumpiness – the flinching at every loud noise, thinking it was a bomb or the latch of a safety. He’d broken more glasses than he cared to admit, knocking them straight of his hand at the sound of a gunshot on the television.  

Then the paranoia settled in, then the hypervigilance. The anxiety in crowds and tight spaces was new, though. Add it to the list, he supposed.  

Through all of it, he never let the shrink catch on. He’d put on a smile and tell them he was proud of his service, that he’d serviced his country with honor and he was thankful to return to the civilian side of things for a change.  

It was bullshit.  

He was pissed. He lost an arm and half his mind to a war that recruited him young and idealistic right out of high school, when he was looking for a better life than what his neighborhood could offer, to put food on the table for his ma and sister. Pissed was understated.  

He wouldn’t find himself in Steve’s group; of that he was certain. You don’t talk about those things after you leave the desert. Hell, you barely acknowledge them while you’re there. It’s just how it works. It’s how you deal with it. Bucky didn’t allow himself to consider whether his method was doing him much better.

Sam walked him through the common areas, the lounge space, even a room with a pretty decent sized television and a shelf filled with DVDs. It was a nice enough place. Quiet. But so was his apartment.  

“Now this is the best room in the house.” Sam opened a door on his left, the hinges squeaking under an old wooden frame as he stepped inside.  

Bucky followed in closely behind and was surprised when a subtle scent of pine brushed his senses. A small candle was burning at the center of a coffee table, surrounding it were a few couches, all with mismatched fabrics, laid upon a carpet that looked to have been donated from an estate sale. The walls around him were lined with shelves, though they were completely empty. Cob webs hung in the corners and dust lined the wood.  

What caught his eye was a single cart at the edge of the room. It was filled with books, all in bright colors on the binding and tags from the Brooklyn Public Library piled high on top of one another, far beyond the confines of the cart itself.  

“Y/n? Where you at, kid? We got a newbie!” Sam called, nudging Bucky in the side with a playful wink he did not return.  

A figure suddenly jumped from behind the couch with a book in hand covered in layers of dust and crumbs. The sudden movement forced a flinch deep in Bucky’s chest, his breath held tight in his lungs, though he kept himself firm on the surface, like stone. It took a minute before he realized how tight he’d barreled his fist and he slowly released his grip before Sam could notice.  

“Been looking for this one for over a year!” you exclaimed, holding up the book for Sam to see. You brushed off the cover, restoring the original vibrant hue of the artwork. “Can’t even imagine the overdue fees I’ve racked up on this sucker...”

There was a strange lightness in your voice Bucky didn’t expect, a tenderness and a sunshine that didn’t belong amongst the dark overcast of the men and women who occupied these rooms. It certainly sat in dangerous contrast to the gravel and stone in Bucky’s voice and the clouds that usually followed in his wake.

He glanced down at his clothes as you approached; a pair of old ripped jeans from a few years ago, a faded t-shirt, and his army jacket hung over his shoulders. Dull and raggedy, ripping at the seams.

But you? Dressed in the warmest shade of a red knit sweater, a gentle glow on your cheeks, a softness about your movements, you resembled the sort of sunset at the end of a highway one would stop the car to capture on film. Inviting. Tender and ethereal. Lovely.  

You stepped closer and he noticed the knees of your jeans were covered in dust, your palms too. Messy in the pursuit of happiness, like a child on a playground. You didn’t seem to mind the dust as you brushed it off your knees, holding the found book close to your chest like an extension of your own heart.

“Blame it on Lang. He's always losing stuff around here,” Sam offered as you set the book on the cart. You started to laugh and swatted Sam in the arm. A pout perched on your lips, though it didn’t seem to last long. Your laugh was infectious.  

Bucky swallowed as he watched you; the way your smile wrinkled up into your eyes as if a face like yours was drawn and designed to curve at the lips and push dimples to your cheeks. It shined into the bright hues in your irises and Bucky wondered if you would keep smiling like that forever, if it were possible that he could stare into the sun and not be burned; if instead, he could find warmth in its embrace.  

His heart stammered, his breath shallow, but it wasn’t unpleasant like it had been on the busy streets. It was something new, a sensation he hadn’t had since before he signed his name to a cause that took his arm and his dignity.  

Y/n, Sam had called you. It was a beautiful name. He didn’t know if he could even find things beautiful again after what he’d seen overseas. You were the first, he supposed.  

He must have been staring too long, because your lips were moving to words he didn’t hear, and suddenly two pairs of eyes were on him. His heart skipped, frozen in embarrassment.  

“This must be your first day of school,” you teased, extending your right hand to him.  

Bucky stared down at it, heart pounding, and before Sam could politely tell you that Bucky didn’t really do that sort of thing, he pulled his hand from his pocket and shook it. You had a firmer grip than he was expecting, but still soft. Your fingers were like ice and it was a nice contrast to the swelter he felt under his jacket.  

Sam raised an eyebrow, surprised by Bucky's sudden willingness to take the hand of a stranger, though thankfully he didn’t say anything. A shit eating grin curved up upon his lips and that, Bucky could have done without.  

“Thought it was time I checked it out,” Bucky said, his voice a little dry. You let go of his hand and Bucky found he missed the contact almost instantly.  

“Dragged him here by the skin of his teeth is more like it,” Sam interjected and Bucky’s ears burned red. He shot Sam a glare, who only shrugged, unbothered by his humiliation of his friend. “Been trying to get his sorry ass through the door for a few months now.”

You nodded, though your smile never wavered. Your eyes remained on Bucky, listening to Sam, but intently studying the lines on Bucky’s face. It left him feeling exposed, but somehow, even as his own gaze trailed to the floor, he didn’t mind you watching him like that, like maybe you found worth in what you saw. He adjusted his stance, suddenly remembering the startling absence on his left.  

“Well, I’m glad you’re here now,” you said, brushing Sam off in his teasing. “I’ve been volunteering at this place for a little over a year. We got good people here. I’m sure you’ll fit right in...” you paused, biting on your lip.  

“Bucky,” he offered because he could tell you were waiting for it. You smiled at his name and a sense of pride burned bright in his chest. God, if he could just make you smile like that again...

“Bucky’s a cool name,” you grinned, though Sam rolled his eyes. “That short for something?”

“Don’t lie to the new kid, Y/n. We all know it’s corny as hell,” Sam interrupted playfully before Bucky could get a word in. You wacked Sam on the shoulder and Bucky felt the edges of his lips curve. It felt strange, achy, like he hadn’t done that in a while. Maybe he hadn’t.  

“Buchanan,” Bucky answered, though he quickly added, “but my first name’s James. James Barnes.”

“Well, James Barnes,” you started, exchanging a knowing look with Sam that made Bucky’s stomach twist in knots, “I run a book club of sorts on Sunday evenings around six. You should swing by. We’re always looking for new members.”

“Y/n works at the Brooklyn library most days,” Sam explained. “We’re lucky to have her. Never thought I’d see so many tattooed men with biceps the size of my head sitting in a circle talking ‘bout books, but Y/n works magic. Everyone loves her. Helps that her book club is pretty unconventional.”

Bucky narrowed his eyes. “Unconventional?”

Sam started to say more, but you pouted your lips at him and he left the words on the edge of his tongue. He held up his hands in defense and took a step back, returning the smile to your face.  

“Don’t listen to him,” you said, laughing so sweetly Bucky was sure his knees might give out at any second. “It’s a good time, I promise. No pressure at all.”

Bucky nodded, considering his options. The idea of seeing you again could make the walk down to the VA worth it, but he wasn’t sold on the concept of sitting in a room full of ex-combat vets probably using a shared book as a proxy for a support group. He wondered if you had them reading something about PTSD or adjusting to civilian life or a memoir of some guy embellishing his time overseas to make a quick buck.  

But he wanted to give you the benefit of the doubt, so he asked, “what are you reading?”  

You shrugged. “Depends on who you ask.”  

Bucky raised an eyebrow, confused.  

“Just think about it,” you suggested as you unclicked the lock at the bottom of the cart. The front wheel was broken and you struggled to get an angle to move in the direction you pushed it. “I should head back to the library. It was really nice to meet you, Bucky. I’ll see you later, Sam.”

Bucky nodded, finding himself searching for something else to say, some kind of excuse to get you to stay longer, but came up empty. You smiled at him, all bright and starry eyed, and his knees felt weak again. Shit.  

“Don’t let Stark talk your ear off on the way out,” Sam warned, a laugh in his voice.  

“I think I know my boys around here by now, Samuel,” you teased back. Bucky couldn’t quite tell if it was a pang of jealousy in his stomach or an eagerness to be included. It was a strange rush of feelings he hadn’t tapped into in years; not necessarily unpleasant, but certainly unfamiliar.  

You paused by the door, turning back and capturing Bucky’s eye one last time. “Sunday at six, alright? I’ll see you there.”

He didn’t say anything, but you seemed to take his silence as confirmation. You gave him a final wave before you disappeared into the hallway. He could hear the click of the broken front wheel on your cart echoing down the hall.  

Bucky and Sam followed you out of the room and hung back by the makeshift library doors.  

“What did I tell you!” Sam cheered, nudging Bucky hard enough on the side to knock him off his balance. He was too fixated on watching grumpy old men and stone-faced women pass by in the hallway with smiles on their faces as they saw you.  

“It’s, uh, it’s not bad.” Bucky waited until you disappeared out the front doors and onto the busy sidewalks before he turned to Sam. He was watching him with a sort of I-told-you-so look that made Bucky want to slap the dimples straight from his face. “...what?”

“Nothing, man.” Sam shrugged, though there was something lingering in the smirk he wore, like maybe he knew something Bucky didn’t.  

He didn’t care for that one bit.