#Oswald I’m gonna fucking kill you

[chaosinstigator]

they took away my boy

[cowchickenbeefpork]

one of the weirdest misremembered Gotham plots I’ve ever realized I had while rewatching Gotham was I believed that bullock knew Jim didn’t killed Oswald before Oswald went to the GCPD for some reason????? It was a conflict which lasted for the first half of season one in my mind, a tension which loomed over their heads in every interaction since JIM HAS TECHNICALLY DRAGGED HARVEY INTO THIS SO IF JIM IS FOUND OUT THEY'RE BOTH FUCKED. My misremembering of this event didn’t lead into how Harvey found out about Jim lying about killing Oswald but it was there nonetheless. I believed that misremembering so badly I had a Ed interpretation based from the events. Why must this happen to me specifically

[i-smoke-chapstick]

Okay so like as I’m writing this, tomorrow is my birthday (I’m gonna be 19 😭) and I was wondering if I could get some birthday headcanons with the legion of horribles (poly but platonic) + (separately) zsasz?🥺

You don’t have to finish this on my birthday so I understand if it will take time but if you can do it that would be wonderful! Don’t feel pressured though!

Thank you so much Cupid!^^🫂

'400 LUX,

-GOTHAM!VILLIANS X READER-

⋆ Characters ↬ Oswald Cobblepot, Jerome Valeska, Bridgit Pike, Jervis Tetch, Jonathan Crane, Victor Fries, Victor Zsasz

⋆ 𝐒𝐘𝐍𝐎𝐏𝐒𝐈𝐒 ; Birthday HCs with the Legion of Horribles! (+ romantic zsasz)

⋆ tags/warnings. GOTHAM!villains x female reader. PURE FLUFF! They adore reader so so so much! Reader turning 19 :> Age gap for Zsasz! All seven of these idiots. Good luck reader, you will need it!! Suggestive parts in Zsasz's. Reader probably drinking too much tea to be healthy. Also sorry I'm a little late with this, hectic week but happy late bday adal <3 love ya!

𝛰𝑆𝑊𝐴𝐿𝐷 𝐶𝛰𝐵𝐵𝐿𝐸𝑃𝛰𝑇

♫ “We're never done with killing time, can I kill it with you?” 400 Lux by Lorde

Number one spoiler!

No seriously, good luck. You are basically Martin #2. He's buying the most extravagant gifts, and hosting the birthday party. He's getting mad at Jervis and Jerome (anyone who can't keep there mouth shut for the surprise.)

Hectically organizing this whole mess. To his best ability. Eventually he gives up under the stress and you'll notice. Just have a little sit down with him, and he'll HAPPILY celebrate your birthday far away from everyone else.

Once you two have a minute alone, he's making you his mothers tea, telling you all about his birthdays and how she used to celebrate them with him. He really just wants to make this the best day for you possible.

Have a small little laugh with him on the couch, look at baby pictures of him around the mansion, watch him get red in the face and scowl just a teeny tiny bit.

He'll also scroll through your phone (he's horrible with technology) and look at your baby pictures too. You two end up having a good laugh and a semi-serious talk about childhood memories <3

He'll end up giving you his most personal gift when you two are alone, away from the "cretins outside" in his words.

𝐽𝐸𝑅𝛰𝑀𝐸 𝑉𝐴𝐿𝐸𝑆𝐾𝐴

♫ “We might be hollow but we're brave.” 400 Lux by Lorde

The only time he's 100 percent serious is when he's busy with the sheer EFFORT he's putting into this celebration.

Him and Oswald have conflicting ideas. Oswald wants something extravagant, royal, fit for you, like a coming of age. Jerome still wants to throw you a ball, but more like a child's dream chucky-cheese type birthday.

What do you mean he can't get a bunch of arcade machines and a ball pit delivered to the mansion? He's pouting.

He'll be DAMNED if he doesn't book the entertainment and a GIANT cake, though.

Will get Jervis to hypnotize some poor sap to dance for you. You know, if you're into that. Might kill him too if you're a little evil like him. If you aren't into that, he'll let him live. That's your gift :>

Did i say a GIANT cake? Yeah. It's massive. FUCKING MASSIVE. He probably ends up eating more of it then you guys, to be honest.

Makes sure it's your favorite flavor too.

Makes everyone sit down when it's time for cake and candles, if anyone tries to get up he's screaming at the top of his lungs.

Remember that "USE THE TONGS, CARL!" Yeah, he's channeling that energy to the hypnotized people cutting the cake and setting the table.

Fully looks at you like a successor (and like, his only real friend) so he's a bit pushy for this to go well. Not as much as Oswald, but still set on making this a good day for you. He just isn't as overt.

𝐵𝑅𝐼𝐷𝐺𝐼𝑇 𝑃𝐼𝐾𝐸

♫ “And the heating comes on.” 400 Lux by Lorde

Poor baby has never seen, attended, or had a birthday party in her life. It's new for her, it's intriguing. She loves this little strange family you guys have created.

You are LITERALLY her little sister, the only sibling she truly sees as her own!

It's obligatory for her to light the birthday candles (and almost burn the mansion down, chaos ensues)

Similar to Oswald, she gives you one intimate gift. Something she knows you'll love, something personal. You're favorite flowers, gems, or even a nod to an inside joke.

Arguing with Victor (Fries) about who has the better gift and who you like more.

When the day is nearing it's end, she volunteers to clean up to have some time alone with you. Everyone else is winding down, but you and her will get to talk like two best friends.

It's the only time she feels like a normal teenage girl. Just gossiping with you while putting Jerome's confetti in trash bags.

You'll probably have a little slumber party with her in the living room, eating left-over snacks and watching TV, throwing popcorn at each other. Speaking of popcorn....

"Hey, watch this!" She's nudging you, getting you to watch her make her own popcorn kernels with her flamethrower, signature smile on her face :>

𝐽𝐸𝑅𝑉𝐼𝑆 𝑇𝐸𝑇𝐶𝐻

♫ “You drape your wrists over the steering wheel.” 400 Lux by Lorde

He was fighting tooth and nail for this to be a tea party. Still upset it's not. Ended up still hypnotizing someone to make tea for you all. Ah, Small victories.

Also? We saw him in that chauffer outfit. He will gladly be the designated driver.

Similar to the rest of them, he wants some time alone with you. So, he's hypnotizing a limo and pulling up and practically stealing you away.

Takes you on a little shopping spree. Anywhere you want to go, he'll take you there! Even if he doesn't particularly enjoy it. (cough cough, convince stores, cough cough)

Wants to take you to the tea shoppes and bakeries.

He is LITERALLY the most BUSY bee out of EVERYONE. Everyone is so obsessed with planning and whatnot, but he actually has to do EVERYTHING by himself.

Whose hypnotizing the cake maker, the gifts, the decorations, the people, the waiters? Ah, the list goes on and on. He's a bit tuckered out by the time you too are done shopping and he's off his list of errands.

Have a cup of tea with him after <3 he will be infinitely grateful to wind down with you if you find the time during the day.

Sings happy birthday obnoxiously loud for you. He also insists everyone has perfect table manners and etiquette. (Looking at you, Jerome.)

𝐽𝛰𝑁𝐴𝑇𝐻𝐴𝑁 𝐶𝑅𝐴𝑁𝐸

♫ “I can tell that you're tired.” 400 Lux by Lorde

Silent, for the most part. Will refuse to sing happy birthday, and will truly only participate if it's the two of you alone. He...doesn't work well in groups.

He's getting a slap on the wrist from everyone because of it.

He'd MUCH rather steal you away periodically through the day, to just talk to you about your childhood. Congratulate you. He's happy for you, but he's a little scared you're getting older.

Very protective. Always. No matter what.

You might hear him laugh a bit, joke around with you, just simply checking the surroundings and chaos from Jerome.

If you are someone who prefers things more lowkey, you'll find yourself spending the majority of the day with Jonathan. Eventually you two will just pass by each other every now and then, and share a brief respite from the bustling outside.

You are TRULY his best friend. He wants to make this day as good for you as everyone else does. He just doesn't know where to start.

He'll probably end up giving you your favorite gift out of EVERYONE.

Doesn't matter what it is. He'll know. It will be intimate, genuine, and a very heartfelt message on the bottom of a card attached.

"Love you, Y/N." -Jonathan

Okay, not SUPER heartfelt at first look, but for him? It's as close as you'll get to him being vulnerable.

𝑉𝐼𝐶𝑇𝛰𝑅 𝐹𝑅𝐼𝐸𝑆

♫ “We're getting good at this.” 400 Lux by Lorde

Jerome puts him on ice-cream duty and he's reasonably grumpy.

No, but genuinely, this is a VERY special day for him. He's a VERY proud dad!

Always wanted to have kids with Nora. Never got a chance. You really are his second chance at happiness, and he loves you so much. He gets to live out everything he thought he'd never be able too.

Wants to get more involved, but gets a little pushed out between Jerome and Oz.

Jerome probably makes him make ice sculptures. Or Ozzie asks him to freeze the body of your enemies. Perfect gift!

Similar to Jonathan, likes to keep things more lowkey. He'll sneak in a pseudo father daughter bonding moment, even if you don't know.

"So, uh, you're staying out trouble, right?"

He's asking, nudging you when you two finally get a moment alone. His voice comes out in a mumble, obviously not very experienced in this role of being a father. But he can't help it.

Overprotective dad scowling at Zsasz, you know, to get the point across. Zsasz staring riiiiiiight back.

"Just so you know...if you break her heart, I'm freezing yours." Victor #1 says, with a clicking sound, and a raise of his gun.

Victor #2 raises a non-existent eyebrow, and lifts his own gun in return. "Of course..." He drawls. The idle threats are there.

𝑉𝐼𝐶𝑇𝛰𝑅 𝑍𝑆𝐴𝑆𝑍

♫ “You pick me up and take me home again / We're hollow like the bottles that we drain.” 400 Lux by Lorde

He's a loving boyfriend, you just have to get through his layers throughout the day!

Of course, he's your ride to and from the mansion. Driving with him, his hand on your thigh, disco music. Waking you up with kisses and birthday sex

He's grumbling just a bit everyone else wants to steal you away. Que him being a sassy boyfriend, rolling his eyes.

He ends up just standing around the mansion most of the day, sneaking bites of pastries or making idle conversation with the terrified waiters, while you are out with Jervis. He doesn't mind. It's your day. He is more then happy, this is his element. A whole day dedicated to his girl, and free food? Sign him up.

In contrast to everyone, he's the only person to give you a gag gift. Surprisingly, Jerome takes this too seriously to give you one. Victor doesn't, though. He'll give you a whole bunch of small gag gifts, just to see that beautiful smile on your face.

He'll end up getting you a real gift though. Something precious, gorgeous, elegant. Something absolutely killer. Black onyx necklace? Yes. You'll feel the leather of his gloves on your neck while he puts it on you.

Doesn't care if ANYONE looks at the two of you weirdly for the age gap. In fact, he'll become even MORE affectionate. Y'know, just to piss people off.

Speaking of age, he doesn't care you aren't 21 just yet. He's 100% sneaking the two of you some alcohol to drink. (Not without teasing you, of course, for being a downright horrible criminal!)

Oswald, Victor Fries, and Jervis don't appreciate you drinking. They are too protective. But Zsasz doesn't gaf what they say :>

[stephsageek]

So, like most unhinged people on the internet (content creators), I had a visceral creative reaction to something I love, namely, The Umbrella Academy. I definitely have a love/hate relationship with some of the writer's choices, but I will always love TUA. I do plan on creating some fanart, but that'll take a while since my style can be labor intensive. I also have a billion story ideas swirling around in my head, including an extension on the show's canon ending where all the Brellies and Sparrows are reincarnated, and another that explores Five and Lila's 7 years on the subway, to another that will be about the 6 years between s3 and s4. Here's is but a taste of one them:

"Much Longer Than Six Years, Five Months, and Two Days"

Summary: Some people believe an affair starts when two people cross the line and become physical with one another. Five and Lila knew better. Looking back, this ‘thing��� between him and Lila had begun much longer than six years, five months, and two days ago. If either of them had been capable of being honest with themselves, they might have been able to admit, it had started from the very beginning.

This is my take on all the years Five and Lila have known each other from the beginning of Season 2 to the events of episode five of Season 4 of The Umbrella Academy. It will be told from alternating POV’s. None of these characters are mine, nor any quotes from the show itself.

Chapter 1: Day One

Five stood across the street, tucked behind the corner of a building observing his brother and some unknown woman, sitting in a car and watching the Texas School Book Depository of all places.

It had taken pathetically little effort to locate his brother.

It had taken Five a few minutes of searching his memory to realize the significance of said building and when he did, he had squeezed his eyes shut and rubbed a tired palm across his face.

Lee Harvey Oswald.

Was Diego really that eager to get arrested again? Did he really think his hero complex was going to do anything besides get his ass thrown in prison or worse?

Fuck that. I spent way too much time and energy just to find your God damn corpse again, ya knucklehead.

Five sighed, trying to focus on listening to them talk, gauging whether or not he needed to step in before the no-brained-wonder could get himself into trouble.

“All right, here’s the plan: Oswald finishes his shift at 4:30 p.m.”

Five rolled his eyes. Is that numbskull fucking serious? What’s he gonna do? Grab ‘em and drag ‘em into the car?

“Once he walks out those doors, we force him into the front seat.”

Five smacked his forehead.

Beside Diego, the woman was biting her nails.

Five furrowed his eyebrows as he watched her. Who the hell is that? And why the hell is she with my idiot brother?

Five tilted his head as he considered her.

He had to admit, he could understand why his brother was hanging around her. She was very pretty.

He narrowed his eyes.

‘Very pretty’ can be very useful to someone who knows how to use that to their advantage.

Especially around blithering morons with ‘mommy issues.’

Five tried to focus on what they were saying, straining his hearing from where he was observing them.

“You’re gonna pin his arms, I’m gonna cut off his trigger finger and tell him he has 24 hours to exit Dallas.”

That’s your plan? Five thought incredulously. What the fuck is that gonna do? What if he’s ambidextrous, ‘ya idiot?! Five found himself blown away by his own sibling's ridiculous logic.

“That’s your plan?” the woman spoke his thought out loud, her tone mirroring his own bewilderment.

“You got a problem with it?” Diego countered with an edge to his voice, indicating his displeasure at his lame-ass plan being called out.

“Well, why don’t we just kill him?” the woman wondered.

Exactly! Why complicate things? Five found himself silently agreeing.

“What?” Diego questioned, his expression shocked and judging.

Five’s mouth twisted in annoyance.

He didn’t know why Diego was acting so surprised, acting as though the umbrella academy hadn’t killed a room full of bank robbers when they rightfully should have still been in middle school.

Five didn’t enjoy killing—never had. But if Diego was going to sit there and act all high and mighty while planning to kidnap a man and cut his finger off, Five was gonna belt him on principle alone.

He listened as the woman clarified that the whole reason they were even going after Oswald in the first place was because Diego thought he was going to shoot the president.

When Diego confirmed this, she replied simply, “Put a bullet between his eyes. Problem solved.”

Five found himself nodding. Clean, simple, straightforward. It’s how any professional worth his salt would approach the problem.

Five paused.

It was not, however, how any sane, rational human being would approach the problem.

It was how an assassin would solve the problem.

Five lifted an eyebrow, his instincts kicking into high gear.

How very convenient for some beautiful mysterious woman to somehow take an interest in his shaggy-headed brother, who had at one time had no more exalted words to say about the woman he had purported to love than she, ‘had great legs’ and a ‘cute butt.’

How very strange that this same woman would have the exact same instincts Five had when it came to solving problems when he had been trained for the explicit purpose of murdering inconvenient individuals since he was a toddler.

The Commission, he thought grimly. It has to be.

“Oh, no, no, we’re not going to kill a man before he’s committed a crime,” Diego argued.

“That’s stupid,” the woman said the same thing Five was thinking, so simultaneously Five thought he’d spoken the words out loud himself.

Five pursed his lips.

He wasn’t sure who this woman was, but at least she wasn’t a moron.

Five found himself snorting at her comments about Diego being ‘an open book written for very dumb children.’

He was inclined to agree.

Okay, so she’s mildy amusing, smart, and pretty.

Five rolled his neck.

Alright. Enough dicking around. Let’s go say ‘hi,’ to Diego’s mystery woman.

Five was fairly certain that this broad was a plant. Someone sent by the Commission to keep eyes on him and had apparently seen fit to do so by using bargain batman.

Well, there's only one way to find out for sure. I'm gonna have to keep an eye on her. At least she's nice to look at.

[devilfic]

OSWALD I’M GONNA FUCKING KILL YOU!!!!!

[hijinxinprogress]

YouTuber!Stephanie

Stephanie has a youtube channel (she 100% gives it a name like gotham_after_dark or bat_interpreter) where she follows Batman and mocks him, she definitely also makes content on tiktok and instagram

She’s recording fights with rogues and him interrogating questioning people and doing voice overs in a goofiest growl she can for batman but she also does voices for everyone else (it gets to the point where penguin puts a hit out and is actively trying to expose the youtubers identity bc steph does this terrible whiny british accent when she’s imitating penguin)

She starts her channel right after Bruce fires her from Robin and still does it to this day

Bc if she’s gonna get shit for not being Tim might as well go all the way right?? She’s just doing the opposite of what Tim’s doing or outright copying him depending on which would annoy them the most

Stephanie records batman dangling some guy off a roof for the 37th time this week while going “You said the cheese on the nachos at your restaurant was imported directly from Italy but I saw you…THIS CHEESE IS FROM A GROCERY STORE…in GOTHAM… do you know what batman does to liars??”

Batman’s chasing the joker? Again? Here comes Stephanie with her fucking camera “Joker baby, you know that fight with Cobblepot meant nothing to me” “You know what, Bats? Fight whoever you want!” “Why are you going to Cobblepot’s lair with a grenade launcher? Baby…?” “Well, if the wellbeing of fucking Oswald is sooo important to you, you fucking cheater ☹️ I’m gonna kill him” “HUH” Stephanie’s joker voice is pretty good but she stops when Jason follows her channel after admitting he watches it (however Damian gives zero fucks and edits in his scarily accurate joker impression and will break into Jason’s apartment at random to do his joker impression)

Stephanie’s Duke impression is just her making puns in a bad robot voice and Duke hates it sm bc she’s saying shit like “Don’t signal for backup bc I’m already Signal-ing this ass whooping” “The yellow is the Signal for you to run” “Hey hey hey, night time is when you do this stupid shit rn is Signal Time” “The sun is my Signal to be vigilant-y” “Setting off that alarm should’ve been enough of a Signal for you stop” (Dick made tshirts and Duke refuses to talk to him when he wears them)

You legally have to be a level 79 hater to be a vigilante in gotham so most of Steph’s videos esp after Bruce has pissed her off are just her shitting on batman in a terrible growl “Damn, I’m getting too old for this…my knees hurt so much” “Nightwing thinks he’s funny, asking me if I remember the dust bowl…mf I remember the fucking big bang” “I’m so good at this, I don’t think anyone knows I’m a vampire” “Bruce Wayne owns gotham general and can’t cure Alzheimer’s?? I hate that asshole, I don’t even remember where tf I’m going” “I wanted to be Spider-Man and now I’m this” “Ooh, I’m Batman and I hate fun, happiness, and joy” “Don’t do crime, be like me…perpetually bitchless and breaking kneecaps” “Some people need coffee for a pick me up but I just need to see a purse snatcher piss their pants” “I don’t actually meld into the shadows, I just have Apple Maps and it takes me the long way”

Batman’s fighting or arguing with black mask?  Stephanie has been waiting for this moment so every video with black mask is just her making fun of black mask to the point where there’s barely any batman slander “My real names fucking Roman so I had to go all out with this stupid ass costume…I’m not even a real gothamite, I’m from metropolis” “Sionis…I don’t care… you blew up thirteen hostages” “ITS NOT MY FAULT, OKAY?! Did you know you’re supposed to wash masks? Especially if you wear the same one everyday? Bc I fucking didn’t” “…Sionis…” “THERES MOLD ON MY FACE and this mask smells like ASS” “Everyone knows that, you moron…How do you think I found you? I can smell your stench from damn near two miles away…” “I’m like scary though right??” “No, Sionis, you just have poor hygiene…and issues” “Dammit, I’m like a dollar tree version of two face” “Not quite, what’s lower than that? Dollar tree is too good for you…don’t tell joker but Harvey’s way-”

Stephanie has a two hour video of batman grappling across Gotham just shitting on metropolis and sixty seven minutes of it is just Superman slander in a terrible growl

There’s short clips of cass suddenly disappearing or appearing out of nowhere before and after dismantling someone with the michael myers theme playing in the background (Cass does dramatic flips and landings every time steph records her)

When Bruce complains about the threat to their identities and compromising ongoing missions/investigations, Stephanie (who is purposely trying to piss him off) just looks him dead in eye and goes “Well, you’re not the boss of me sooo” so Tim gives a presentation and shuts down every single argument Bruce makes just to be contrary bc he’s a fucking asshole

Tim only has a problem with it when Stephanie and Damian start working together bc Damian  does concerningly accurate impressions and Damian keeps making Tim sound like a fucking idiot and it’s worse bc he can mimic his speech patterns (“I can’t do this anymore… I’m sad and pasty… Call the fifth robin, you know…the only competent robin…”) 

Like Damian’s repeating one of Tim’s caffeine concoction induced rants about bagels in Tim’s voice while Steph is growling at him to focus in her batman impression

When Tim brings his complaints to Bruce about Stephanie’s youtube account, Bruce cites Tim’s own argument back to him so Tim takes over editing and recording to be an asshole

[cryptid-called-ash]

Well… I did it… I made the Jeff x Michael au

I’m calling it Pit Guard au, takes place post-pizza sim but pre-pizzaplex

Basic premise is Michael offers to help Jeff fix up and run the old pizzeria, and Jeff isn’t about to turn down the funds and guidance. But everything comes with a price.

TW for heavy scaring

Michael design for the au, Jeff coming soon

Design and characterization explanation under cut

Michael survives the pizza sim fire unintentionally, I’m not explaining how in detail so pick your own poison

Inherited Afton robotics, which he turned into a state-of-the-art tech company. he also manages to reacquire Fazbear entertainment, but that’s way later.

Looks like he’s in his early thirties, is actually in his late fifties.

Almost completely healed from the whole ennard thing, but it permanently altered his body. He has dozens of scars from where the endo tore its way out of his skin.

The scar over his left eye is from Foxy’s hook, when he’d been doing maintenance on a breaker boxes and foxy caught him unawares. He practically sprinted back to the office and only finished fixing the breaker after 6am.

The one across his face is from FTfoxy knocking him out on night 3 of sister location. Made the springlock scene on night 4 much more stressful bc he’s actively bleeding and we all know you can’t get springlocks wet.

As per the running joke, the scooper dumped a shit ton of remnant into his emptied out body so he wouldn’t die. Which he technically didn’t but he’s definitely not human anymore.

Eyes glow; hair is completely white; blood is discoloured; skin is very pale and semi translucent; had fangs; and, oh yeah, needs to consume living blood to maintain the insane amount of remnant inside of him (the remnant won’t kill him if he doesn’t drink, but the sheer amount of pain he’d be in isn’t worth not drinking). So yeah, Michael is basically a remnant vampire instead of a remnant zombie now.

You can probably see what the price for his help is. Cue gay hijinks.

Very flirty and mildly unhinged personality, uses humour and flirting to mask his pretty serious depression and ptsd.

Death/remnant related memory issues. He remembers major events (Evan’s death, bite of 87, Lizzy’s death, etc) but everything else before his death is hazy at best. So he doesn’t actually recognize Oswald’s dad/freddy mask bully (who I’m calling Simon) at all. But Simon absolutely recognizes Michael and, oh boy, does it give him a heart attack to drop Oz off at Jeff’s only to run smack into his old friend who he hasn’t seen since 1985.

Speaking of Oswald, he ends up seeing Michael and Jeff as weird uncles. Both are surprisingly good with kids.

Michael can relate to Oz’s situation with pit trap (with pittrap being his actual father and all) and is more than happy to comfort Oz when needed.

Is a little vain and does a lot to maintain his appearance (daily workouts, extensive hair care, 8-step skincare routine, etc), being a literal decaying zombie really fucked him up.

Is 4am, gonna go sleep now 👍

[eggcompany]

Bleeding Gold, My Love

Oswald's trans. He works as a camboy to try and pay his share of their shared apartment. One day he streams on his period. Edward helps him to clean up and takes time to fuck him in the tub. But what happens when the money keeps rolling in without them knowing?

“I’m just like hanging out. I’m horny but I’m on my period and I know if I cum I’m gonna screw up my cup and then I’ll have to mess with it and I’m comfortable right now.” Oswald said and read some more comments that floated in. 

He was laying on his belly on their shitty little bed. Cam shows were a new thing to try and scrounge up money since his mom died. It got them enough to buy some food. Eddie in college barely made enough at the library to pay off the bills and keep them in the shitty little apartment. Oswald had tried working at a few places but because of either getting beaten up or threats on his life, he always had to quit or got fired. 

Now he found a pretty good niche, he was a fetish. He was both petite and trans. He’d had top surgery and the scars brought people in, the fact he was so pale with dark hair and blue eyes brought them in, and of course his blushing pink pussy and hard t-cock were the stars. 

He made enough to not quit. He made enough for his blackmarket testosterone and enough to be able to eat. Plus the comments were a definite confidence booster. 

“Yeah I use a diva cup. I don’t like pads, they like rub me weird and the hormones make me just unreasonably sensitive when stuff rubs on my clit and a pad just irritates that skin.” He explained as more questions rolled in about different stuff. He ignored most of the weird or really gross questions but didn’t block anyone. He really couldn’t afford to block people who weren’t threatening his life. 

He groaned and rolled his wrists, he was so stiff, the cold weather was killing his joints. His shoulders hurt too and the way he was laying wasn’t helping but it could be worse. 

“Um… I’ve never done a show before on my period. I’ve tried the um, the cervix cup things but I just don’t like those. Just don’t like having to like… Manhandle my pussy when I’m so sensitive.” Oswald said and watched as a big flood of comments came in after. He read through them and was a little shocked. He chewed his lip and rubbed his feet together which brought forward a few foot comments but most of them were just pushing the same thing. 

“Don’t bother? Don’t bother with a show or a cup?” Oswald asked as a big influx of “ no do it!” “Please do it” “I’ll tip you so much if you do it ” “ Three hundred for a show” . 

He waited a minute to read more comments and looked back at the camera with a shocked look. 

“You guys want the blood? Oh you pervs!” Oswald teased as more and more comments flooded in about how the viewers wanted to see Oswald’s cunt bleed around a toy. Most comments were begging but there were a few that were more… graphic.

“Um… I mean I could. No time like the present but… oh what the hell I could do it in the bathtub and just wash it down after.” Oswald said and smiled brightly at the camera. That’s something he really had to get used to. Not smiling at the screen, smiling at the camera. It seemed to be something that would drag in some extra money for christmas. 

“Okay, make sure to tune in tomorrow! Um or my emails. I put out emails…” Oswald said and looked to press the end button. They had updated the site recently and the notification mute button was where the end button used to be and the close stream button was in the corner. 

“Tomorrow…” He muttered and looked at the camera one more time before closing out the stream. He groaned and let his face fall to the bedspread. Fuck… he was so wet. 

“Ed, I’m just a little nervous. I mean it’s just so sensitive and what if something icky comes out? I mean I’m just… people want it but what if…” Oswald was yammering nervously as he washed another dish. They’d just finished their slight dinner. Edward had always been a good cook, being able to whip up something warm and filling out of canned food and cheap cuts of fatty meat. 

“Ozzie, you'll be okay. You know I love it when you let me have you during this time.  You know people are gonna love those little sounds, gonna love seeing how sensitive and tender you get. They signed up to see you, they’ll love to see you no matter what.” Edward said and rubbed his hands from where they had been massaging Oswald’s pelvis up to wrap around him to hug his torso. He loved the way the shorter man’s skin was always a little clammy, loving the way it warmed under his hands. 

“You’ll help me clean up after?” Oswald asked and turned his head so Ed could kiss his lips. He was always insecure about his job . Edward worked a real job and was so pretty and tall and had such pretty eyes and was so smart and his skin was really soft and….

“Of course, you know you can call me and I’ll come help you. Try and be careful though so you don’t need my help.” Ed said and referenced to the last time Ozzie had a show in the bathroom. 

He’d slipped in the shower and kept going on with the show until it ended and then screamed out. He’d wrenched his bad knee and was laying crumpled in the shower and Ed had to carry him to bed because it hurt so bad. Then he was bed ridden for the next few days and his knee had turned dark and swelled up and Ed had nearly dragged him to the doctors. 

“I know, I know, but I’ll be laying down this time.” Oswald said and moved Ed’s hands by his wrists to warm and push back at his lower stomach again. 

“Fuck…. My clit’s still throbbing. Oh my god. Thanks guys but I’m, oh lord, I’m done. It’s been very fun and uh oh just bye, bye, I gotta clean up.” Oswald said exhaustively and clicked the video end. He laid back against the cool tub wall. He’d set the computer up on the lid of the toilet beside him and the camera was sitting on the opposite edge of the tub so it could capture the whole picture. He was sort of out of breath still. 

It had been more fun then he’d thought it would be. The dings of the tips had been nonstop and the bells even rang when they met their goal of $500 when he had barely even gotten his fingers into himself.  

“Eddie? I’m done now.” Oswald called out and smiled as his boyfriend walked in in his sweatpants riding low on his hips. The shorter man was floating somewhere very far away and felt very good. 

“Beautiful, darling” Ed said and knelt down to kiss Oswald. Oswald hummed and let his head loll over to lay his cheek against the wall. 

“Rinse and then a good bath?” Edward asked and picked up the dildo and held it over the tub as it was still dripping a bit of blood. Oswald hummed and nodded. 

“Yeah, just… put that in the sink, I’ll deal with it later.” Oswald said and Ed ran some water over the toy and returned to his blissed out bloody boyfriend. He looked gorgeous. Cheeks and chest all blushing pink, his scars standing out on his chest, eyes all big and dark, and of course his body all lax and lovely looking. Ed wanted to hold him and cuddle with him forever. 

“Th-“ Ed started gazing down at Oswald. 

“No riddles.” Oswald cut him off with a smirk and Edward grabbed the shower head from the wall. It was one of Oswald’s investments. And one Edward had learned was very very worthy of the splurge. 

“I love you.” Edward said and turned on the water and turned it away from the noriet until the water grew warm. Oswald hated cold water so he tucked his feet up away from the water for a moment. 

“Quick rinse or do you want me to really get at you?” Edward asked and looked over at Oswald who rolled his eyes. 

“Just rinse me off and then bath. You should join me.” Oswald said and smiled as Ed knelt down and rinsed his legs off. The older boy let his legs straighten back out so Edward could gently rub the blood away with the assistance of the perfectly warm water. 

“Of course my bird” Ed answered and quickly rinsed the blood from Os’s legs and stomach and gave a quick rinse to Oswald’s still aroused red folds. Oswald’s stomach jumped a few times when a particular stream of water hit his clit. 

“I hate pants” Oswald grumbled and pulled at Ed’s sweatpants when he put the shower head against the wall and turned the faucet on. Ed let them be pulled over his butt and pool at his ankles. He wasn’t wearing underwear, hoping on getting to join Oswald’s bath anyway. 

Oswald giggled and watched Ed with eyes full of adoration as he kicked the offensive sweats away and moved to climb in behind Oswald. 

Ed hugged Oswald’s damp body and kissed the side of his head, sweat making his lips taste slightly salty. 

“My handsome man. My pretty bird.” Ed whispered hotly into the other’s ear causing Oswald to preen and rub his head against Ed’s shoulder. 

“My beautiful boyfriend. My pretty, pretty bird.” He whispered and mouthed along the pale side of Oswald’s neck. The dark haired boy tilted his head so Ed could spread the kisses and scraps of teeth. 

Ed reached and turned the water off once the water was up to Oswald’s chest. He continued to kiss and suck marks into Oswald’s neck, making the other boy let out whined and cute little cries. 

“Eddie, please, come on- ah~” Oswald asked and shoved back so Edward’s erection rubbed against the clef of his ass, rubbing at the soft flesh there. Ed bit down on his neck and laughed a bit at Oswald’s trembling. 

Ed pulled at Oswald’s hips so he was turned around straddling the taller man’s thin thighs. 

“Please Eddie, it’s so tender.” Oswald whined and shoved his face into Ed’s shoulder and wrapped his arms lightly around Ed’s middle. 

“Say it Ozzie, just say it.” Edward said and let his hands wander across and down Oswald’s trembling body. He ended up using one hand to grasp the base of his cock and the other to rub at Oswald’s hip as his cock teased at his hole. 

“Oh you ass!” Oswald cried out and tried to shove himself down but Edward didn’t let him. 

“Say it.” Edward said and Oswald looked up at his eyes and looked so prissy in the moment. Like a brat being told no. 

“You're an ass. Please fuck me now though.” Oswald said and shouted as Ed’s cock slipped into his open body. He clung tightly back onto Ed’s muscles shoulders and let out short whimpers and grunts. 

Bath sex was his favorite. 

Bath sex was everyone’s favorite. 

-0-0-0-0-0-

“You are going to literally kill me.” Oswald said as Edward walked into their bedroom. He had the laptop open in front of him on the bed and Edward stopped short of pulling his jacket off. 

“Why? What happened?” He asked quickly. He’d hate to not know for a second longer. He moved to look at the computer and his eyes nearly bigged out of his head at the sight. 

Their bank account. 

“I didn’t turn off the stream. I didn’t press the right button. People really like you, apparently.” Oswald said with a huff of laughter at Edward’s shocked face. That one stream, one little internet stream, brought in enough for a new apartment, furniture, fucking ribeye steaks at the best restruant in town. 

“Ozzie… That’s fourteen thousand dollars.” Edward said and looked at his smiling boyfriend. 

“I’m thinking a penthouse with a view.” Oswald said before being picked up and pulled to be hugged and swung around the room. 

“Never fucking do that again! But oh my god Ozzie we can move out! I’m gonna buy so many groceries!” Edward said and they both broke out in loud laughter. 

[itsb3anbug]

just watched S3 Ep5 of gotham.

i’m never watching this stupid show ever again. how could they do this to oswald?????? i’ve never been more hurt and upset abt a tv show in my life, why would they do this?? they were gonna kiss goddamn it! >:( they were in love! oswald was gonna confess :(((( why? why would they do this to him??? he’s just a little guy :(((

ed istg ur my fav but i won’t hesitate to fuck you up if u do what i think ur gonna do >:( i hope he kills this weird riddle girl

[as8bakwthesage]

Scarecrow’s Announcement (Codotverse)

I've come to make an announcement: Lyle Bolton's a bitch-ass motherfucker, he pissed on my fucking bird. That's right, he took his useless-fuckin' quilly dick out and he pissed on my fucking bird, and he said his dick was "THIS BIG," and I said "that's disgusting," so I'm making a callout post on my Twitter.com: Lyle Bolton, you've got a small dick. It's the size of this walnut except WAY smaller. And guess what? Here's what my dong looks like.

That's right, baby. All points, no quills, no pillows — look at that, it looks like two pumpkins and a gord. He fucked my bird, so guess what, I'm gonna fuck Arkham. That's right, this is what you get: MY SUPER FEAR PISS!! Except I'm not gonna piss on the Arkham, I'm gonna go higher; I'M PISSING ON GOTHAM! How do you like that, Oswald?! I PISSED ON GOTHAM, YOU IDIOT!

You have one hours before the fear D R O P L E T S kill your fucking body, now get outta my fucking sight, before I piss on you too!

(I’m sorry, but you gotta see my masterpiece @codotafterdark)

[whencartoonsruletheworld]

k so before i hop in the shower. with the new princesses of heart in kh, we have four confirmed:

kairi again

rapunzel

elsa

anna

now we can just like. ASSUME that they’ll add moana and make her a princess of heart. that’s like a 99.999999% chance. also she already had a medal and costume in ux so yeah that’s happening. that’s 5!

we can also assume they’re gonna add tiana. cause why the fuck would they not??? that’s 6

we still got mèrida as an official DP but i like. don’t think she fits the vibe?? i feel like she’d be more like ariel, in the lineup but not a princess of heart or w/e

so we’re still missing one. here’s my thoughts on who could be princess of heart #7 in order of how fucking hilarious it would be

Sally (Nightmare Before Christmas) – we’ve already seen her several times but now she has a promotion

Esmeralda (Hunchback of Notre Dame) – same reasoning as Sally

Kida Nedakh (Atlantis) – please

Giselle (Enchanted) – hyperrealistic amy adams

Mirabel Madrigal (Encanto) – she’s like “okay so like. i’m a special princess??” “yeah, i know it’s a lot to take in–” “and it’s NOT isabela?????” “...no?” “oh i am gonna rub this in her face forEVER”

alternate: it’s not mirabel OR isabela it’s luisa or dolores. just throw people off

Elena of Avalor – imagine them making a disney junior show canon

Raya (Raya and the Last Dragon) – she is literally the princess of a kingdom called Heart like come on

Sisu (Raya and the Last Dragon) – would track with the “pure of heart” thing ig. also imagine them just saying the comic relief is now the princess of heart

Namaari (Raya and the Last Dragon) – the princess of a kingdom that is NOT heart but also she has a big gay crush on the heart princess this would give her so many crises

Maid Marian (Robin Hood) – furry world

Roxanne – furry world AND we have to do an entire goofy movie plot

Naminé or Xion – would make me cry

Wendy (Peter Pan) – she’s finally one of the chosen ones

Jane (Peter Pan) – grabbed the wrong darling girl, hook, can you believe

Lilo or Nani (Lilo & Stitch) – whichever sister it would be it would be really funny to see how stressed nani gets over it

Kiara (The Lion King) – 1) from a direct-to-video sequel, 2) a fucking lion

Melody (The Little Mermaid) – ariel’s not a princess of heart but her daughter is

Gabriela (The Little Mermaid) – ariel’s not a princess of heart but this one-off breakout character from the tv show is

Boo (Monsters Inc) – she is literally two fucking years old

Penny (The Rescuers) – just this random baby from an obscure disney movie. jenny from oliver and company is also acceptable

Mei Lee (Turning Red) – the princesses of heart are all actual royalty except for this 13yo canadian girl from 2002 who can turn into a panda when she’s mad

Eilonwy (The Black Cauldron) – disney refuses to acknowledge this movie’s existence but then they put it in kingdom hearts and make it relevant to the story

Ortensia – imagine they finally get oswald into the main story and it’s bc his wife has magic heart powers and heartless wont leave them alone

Anastasia – disney finally delivers the killing blow on the “anastasia is not disney” crowd. sorry guys we bought 20th century fox she’s ours now lol

Sofia the First – come on. tell me it wouldnt be funny. come on

Jessica Rabbit (Who Framed Roger Rabbit) – it would make so many people mad

[riddle-me-ri]

I really love that tiktok dress post with the riddler I was wondering if you could do the same for the penguins? ☺️ would love to see their minds blown lol

A/N: I've been debating whether I should do one for the Penguins or not lol thanks for making it easier for me to choose. Hope y'all enjoy! Here’s a link to the website where you can get the dress and here’s the link to Heidi’s Tik Tok that inspired this idea in the first place. Here’s also the Riddlers reacting in case you missed it 😁 Oh also enjoy the two extra Ozzie's I've included 🐧💜

Trigger Warning: Highly suggestiveness…look at the dress like…c’mon and some crude language, mostly on my end cause kinda like the Riddler one it feels like I’m just telling y’all straight up what’s gonna happen rip and I have the vocab and diction of a sailor

The Penguins Reacting to Reader Wearing a TikTok Dress:

Arkhamverse Penguin:

This cheeky asshat.

Oh, he’s so fucking smug it’s not even funny.

His eyes are literally scanning your form up and down.

This Ozzie is also extremely handsy and groping every exposed inch of you every chance he gets.

He’ll ask you to spin yourself around to show off every part of the dress and your accentuated assets.

Honestly, wouldn’t put it past him to be the one who got it for you, but he wasn’t sure you’d have the guts to actually put it on.

He would insist you wear it when it’s a busy night at the Iceberg Lounge

Oz would want you walking around, strutting. 

They can look if they want, get distracted and have their money get swiped. 

If they even try to touch you, they’re dead.

“Don’t worry love, everyone here knows your mine, they treat you any less than the gorgeous bird you are, I’ll kill ‘em.”

Reevesverse/ Farrell Penguin:

Once you walk in wearing the dress, you immediately have him speechless. 

He puts his hand to his heart, making sure it’s still beating. That he hasn’t just up and died in his sleep.

“Bellissima…” He puts down his cigar and is automatically waving you to come closer. 

“I need to make sure you’re real, sweetheart.” 

He makes you blush more than you expected to make him blush. 

Oz is full of praises as he stands up, holding your hand, and twirls you around so he can see all of you.

He contemplates whether or not he wants to see you out in his club like this. 

Sure he wants to show you off, but he’s possessive and if you were to go out there, you’d have to stick to his side 24/7 (which you do anyway)

“You look gorgeous in anything you put on. But right now, this one is my favorite, just second behind you wearing nothing.”

He snickers as you playfully  his shoulder, but you both know it’s true. 

Expect Ozzie to go searching for more variety of this type of dress and gifting ALL of them to you. 

Gotham Penguin:

He’s literally flabbergasted. 

There’s no way this was your idea, surely some set up with Tabitha or Barbara. 

Whether that’s true or not, he’s brain is still short-circuiting. 

His mouth is constantly opening and closing like a fish out of water. 

His eyebrows furrow in confusion for some minutes. How does a dress like that even work? 

You’re gonna have to get closer to him and snap him out of it.

But you gotta be quick, once he’s conscious you gotta make sure he doesn’t get lost again.

You offer some conversation, “d-do you like it Oswald?” 

It takes him a minute to come back to lucidity, but he finally starts making sentences…somewhat.

“I-I uh, um, i-it’s stunning y-you look stunning! W-where did you get that?” 

“I found it out while shopping with Tabby.” 

Oz rolls his eyes he figured as much. 

He won’t allow anyone to see you in the dress, this view is for his eyes only. 

If anyone even caught you putting on socks, he’d kill them. Just imagine if they even caught a sliver of a glance of you in this dress. 

Something feral and possessive comes over him at the thought. 

The dress teases just enough to show all his favorite areas to kiss and nibble on you. 

He does love the dress but he needs it off of you – like now.

Batman the Animated Series Penguin:

Also another one stunned into speechlessness. 

You’re lucky if you get anything like a squawk out of him. 

Even his birds got silent when they saw you.

“M-M-My goodness…” such a soft boy, takes off his hat and is literally trying to wipe away the sweat with a handkerchief. 

“Do you like it?” You gave him a 360 spin so he could take it all in. 

I don’t know why but I can see him getting a nosebleed? His face is fire engine red and his blinking rapidly as if trying to make sure his eye balls don’t stretch out like a Tex Avery cartoon. 

“I-I-...I’m speechless, darling. You look absolutely alluring like a siren…” He breathes out breathlessly. 

You can’t help but giggle at his gentle and polite nature. He was just too damn sweet for his own good sometimes. 

This Ozzie will also be strongly opposed to anyone seeing you in the dress. He’s definitely one of the more possessive Oswalds (I genuinely think they all are pretty possessive and greedy)

He's honestly just so gobsmacked that you're with him and that you love him. The fact you love him enough to do things like this to surprise him and bless him with your beauty.

The New Batman Adventures: 

(I honestly wasn’t sure whether to add this one or not, the design is different and it's considered like both a revamped season of BTAS but also it's own thing since it takes place two years after events in BTAS, and the DVD collection just calls TNBA season 4?? so idk but he does have some difference to BTAS so there's that)

He's taken aback. You could hear his audible gasp.

Oz's mouth hangs for a second in just awe. 

"My, my, my…my gorgeous dove…you look absolutely ravishing."  

He may be speechless and stunned but at least he's more capable of functioning speech. 

Oz walks over to you, his eyes admiring you up and down as he circles around you. 

He removes his gloves and reaches out to hold you. He's surprised just how sheer and thin the material is. It's almost like he's just touching your skin. 

He is absolutely beaming with pride and adoration. 

He definitely doesn't mind either or if you wore it out to the Iceberg Lounge. 

He wouldn't mind showing off to everyone in Gotham that your gorgeous being was his. 

But he'd also be pleased to keep it as a naughty secret between the two of you

Also much like Farrell Oz, expect him to probably give you more dresses in a similar fashion for you to try on. 

Telltale Penguin: 

Also another cheeky asshat

He's dumbfounded but only for a second.

"Holy shit, love. What brought all this on?"

He's immediately up and on his feet to take a closer look. 

When you tell him it was just something you found and thought he may enjoy, he snickers.

"Oh, I do definitely enjoy it, love. Absolutely breathtaking, you are." 

He's quick to have his hands all over you. His calloused hands running up and down your sides.

Feeling just how little the fabric is. He could easily tear it off you in a heartbeat but he decides against it.

He wants to be able to see you wear this again. 

He's more determined than ever to leave love bites where your skin is exposed through the sheer fabric.

A part of me sees him both wanting to show you off smugly to his colleagues but also doesn't want to give them the satisfaction of seeing most of you like this. 

If you want to wear it out with him, he won't argue, but you can guarantee if anyone disrespects you in any way, he won't hesitate to knock their lights out. 

And introducing a new Penguin to the roster…One Bad Day Penguin (cause he can fucking get it, but no worries, no spoilers but if you’ve read it you’re in for a treat, and if you haven't yet, I genuinely can't recommend it enough) 

One Bad Day Penguin: 

Damn, just when he thought you couldn't be anymore attractive. 

You've already got him wrapped around your finger, and now he's wrapped up that much tighter. 

You were drop dead gorgeous. The exotic dancers at his club never could hold a candle to you.

And you in this dress further confirms that statement. 

You saunter your way over closer to him. Giving him a 360° turn. 

"What do you think, Ozzie?"

"I think I'm the luckiest man on the planet.." he replies with no hesitation. 

When you're close enough, his arms are immediately wrapped around you. 

"Damn, it's like you're not wearing anything at all…" He mutters as his hands roam across your skin. His finger tracing along the sheer patterns of the dress. 

His breathing is hitched and his touch to your skin was electrifying. 

It's a miracle he's keeping it together as well as he does. 

He usually adores showing you off but this dress may have to be just between you two. 

Oz can't guarantee he won't rip off anyone and everyone's head that lingered their eyes a little too long on you. 

In moments like this, so intimate and tense from arousal. 

He can definitely feel the little animal in him ready to pounce on you, immediately. 

[lemontartyellow]

Uhhhh I feel like talking about Kristen Kringle so I’m gonna do it now.

This isn’t going to be very cohesive, I just felt like talking about my thoughts on her.

First of all, I want to say that she is nowhere near my favorite character. I felt completely neutral on her for all of Season 1, and started to like her in Season 2 before they killed her off. I can’t even say I understand why some people like her so much. But I will still defend her to my death because I firmly believe that woman did nothing wrong.

“But she was ableist to Ed!” I honestly think she didn’t like him not because of his autistic traits but because of how he acted around her. I say this as someone who heavily sympathizes towards S1 Ed, he was being incredibly creepy to her. He fucking sniffed her. Really, I think you could make stronger case for Harvey being ableist toward him (he literally told him that he needed help because he asked a riddle)

Plus, she literally apologized for how she thought of him even though she, in my very humble opinion, didn’t need to.

“But she gets in the way of Nygmobblepot!” Ignoring the fact that hating a female character because she “gets in the way” of a ship is misogynistic, how? Ed and Oswald are literally in the same room twice before she dies. I honestly didn’t think she would get this treatment from the fandom simply because she is such a non-factor in their relationship. If you wanna talk about Isabella, that’s a different story, but they’re two different characters.

I just genuinely don’t think there’s a valid reason to hate her, yknowwhatimsaying? Other then that, I don’t care about her that much. I liked her for the 3 episodes before she died, and her and Lee would’ve made a cute couple, but that’s about it. But I’m still side eying you very hard if you don’t like her.

Now I want to talk about her writing. It’s not a secret that Gotham does not write its women well, and Kristen Kringle is not an exception to the rule. She joins Isabella and Lee (strange how all the women Ed dated have the sake writing problems) in the “most of their character revolves around a man/men” category of misogynistic writing (well, Lee could hypothetically get better in Season 4 and maybe 5 since I haven’t watched them, but I don’t have faith).

Kristen doesn’t have much of a character outside of him. She has no existing plotlines, motivations, or goals. The closest thing she gets outside of him is her tendency to date jerks (Flass, Dougherty, Ed even counts technically).

Kristen does not have any scenes where Ed is not also in them. The closest she gets is a scene is Season 2 where she is talking to Lee and Ed isn’t in the same room as them. He is still in the scene though, he’s just overhearing them.

And then there’s her dying for Ed’s character development. Which is, for obvious reasons, not something you do to your female characters.

Now, I’m obviously not a professional writer, but I’ve thought about how they could’ve done her better. I’ve heard people throw out the idea of her becoming a villain herself, but that doesn’t really seem to make sense to me (interesting idea though). The best I can come up with is Ed almost killing her instead of actually killing her, have her help out Jim and Harvey sometimes, having her have a reaction to Isabella/Oswald/Lee, exploring her attraction to toxic men, and give her relationship with Lee more screen time (I’d say make them girlfriends but I’m trying to be a little realistic here). I think a weird and complex relationship between her and Ed could be cool,

I’ve never been good at conclusions, so just take the thing.

[howl-fantasies]

Don't know If you are taking requests, but I'd like to read when Y/N's period gets late and she starts to freaking out and have to tell Zsasz 😂

Love your writing btw ❤️ it gives me so much fun to read zsasz x y/n! My one true love is Ozzie 🐧, but you reminded me, that Vic also needs me love ❤️

A/N - Oh my god. Be ready for some drama here since Y/N worst fear is to found out she's pregnant despite all her precautions.

Thank you so much, I’m so happy my babbling is to your liking! Even if I make Oswald's life terrible sometimes in my posts, I really like him and simultaneously want to hug him and slap him behind the head 🤣 And, yeah, Victor needs love, as well as a freaking good therapy.

It’s a little bit angsy but with fluff near the end and a happy ending. 

Warning : bad words, like a lot. Angst, fear of pregnancy, english mistakes (i’m working on it). Blood and violence, it’s Gotham, mention of mentrual blood.   

Word count : 3,293

BUN IN THE OVEN?

“Bloody fucking hell”. Her voice resonated in the bathroom of the house she shared with Zsasz as a hideout. Currently sitting like some Queen with all the dignity she had on the toilet, Y/N was looking daggers at her white panties, clearly menacing to torture it in some atrocious ways or simply burn it to the ground. 

Her hard stare moved to her lower abdomen and she frowned deeper. “You’re fucking kidding me now. You’re gonna bleed, you fucking useless uterus or I swear I’m gonna perform a fucking seppuku on you.” 

Of course it would never answer her back, she would throw herself in Arkham if it did. But for now, her sanity or lack of sanity wasn’t her main problem. She was late. Late on her periods. And that simple fact was enough to freak the absolute shit out of her. She told Jim once as a joke that she would be ready to blow her own head if she found out she was pregnant. He took it as a very dark and bad joke but it wasn’t. At all. She was absolutely serious. 

That was laughable. She killed, tortured, was accustom to be the witness of both when working with Victor and never batted an eye. But the very idea of her with a child was enough to make gooses crawl under her skin and a yell bubbling on the back of her throat. She never wanted to have children, never ever. 

And god spare her, she never wanted to have to raise one, seeing who she and the father were, if he didn’t slaughter her first for the news. A maniacal laugh escaped her when she imagined telling Victor about it. 

He would totally froze she was sure. Blink a few times, probably throw a glance at the unborn culprit of the awkwardness they were in, then grab his gun or one of his blades ,and end her on spot. She had no doubt about it. Her dear husband was more into the process of making children than into the result. Another laugh broke the deafening silence of the bathroom. 

“Fuck me.” 

How the lunatic’s seeds were potentially able to survive contraceptive pills was beyond her comprehension. Fortunately, Victor was out of town until the night, having to see Falcone for some shady mission while the mob boss wasn’t in the city.  ‘I’ll end you and your presumed undying sperm, Victor fucking Zsasz’, she mentally yelled, finally lifting up from her throne and getting out of the room. 

First, and before cutting Victor’s dick then her veins, she had to be sure. 

The woman rushed to her dressing, throwing a black blazer around her shoulders and the first shoes she found, then grabbed her purse and rushed out of the bedroom to the front door, ignoring the Zsaszettes currently busying their self in the kitchen, just barking a “Stay here or I swear I’ll cut and badly cook you” over her shoulder. 

Her tone should be enough to keep them at bay, it wasn’t the first time she went alone on a mission, this one was just slightly more personal but they didn’t have to know that, and, more importantly must not tell Victor or the fucker would steal all the pregnancy test of the city to force her to pee on each before deciding if and how he would end her. 

Y/N climbed in her car and literally smashed her foot on the accelerator, ignoring speed limitations or any priority to drive like a mad woman near the end of the city. She finally stopped in front of a drugstore and walk inside as if she was ready to kill anybody inside. People quickly get out yelling, letting her make her way in front of the cashier who was livid. 

“M-May I help you, Madam?” Asked the poor man, ready to faint. 

“Pregnancy test, give me one. No, three. now.” She demanded, grabbing her gun for good mesure and aiming at him. “Don’t you fucking dare running away or I’ll shoot your legs, then rip them off before making you eat them.” 

The man nodded stiffly and rushed in the back of the shop to grab what she asked. He just had the time to put them down on the counter before a deafening *bang* was heard. His body fell hard on the floor, with a bullet just in between his eyes. She couldn’t take the risk for him to speak and for the news to travel and reach Victor ears.  

“GCPD! PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!” 

Marvelous. If she could kick herself, she would. Of course, her recklessness would bring Jim fucking Gordon attention. But too caught in her fear, she didn’t even took a second to think about it. 

“Fucking leave me alone Jim, it’s not a good day for you to die.” She grumbled, tucking the tests inside of her jacket swiftly. The click of a tongue resonated in her back. 

“What’s with you? Aunt Flo is visiting or something?” She heard Harvey’s gruff voice asking. That was it! She turned too quick for the two cops to say something or move, and shoot in the direction of the old cop, the broken glass behind him indicating she missed. Damned. 

Harvey looked at her sauced-eyes, his mouth forming a “o” betraying his silent shock. The cop glanced behind him then at her again. “Bloody hell woman! You could have kill me!” He yelled. Earning a face from Jim. The young cop also looked at the broken shop window but quickly turned his attention back to Y/N when he heard a *thud* and saw something at her feet. 

Jim froze, his eyes now as big as Harvey’s and his mouth also falling from the shock. His colleague, seeing this and how he lowered his gun also focused his attention on the object laying on the floor. “Oh shit.” He muttered, becoming livid. “OH SHIT WOMAN! COULDN’T YOU BE MORE CAREFUL YOUR SICKO SLASHER AND YOU?!” He yelled, pointing an accusing finger at her. Only to feel a burning sensation on the side of it when she pull the trigger again. The bullet fortunately just grazing it. “OW!” 

Y/N aimed at the duo again. “Stop crying you old piece of shit, I could have just cut it clean.” She muttered in a very low voice. 

Jim put his hands up in a peaceful way. “Look, Y/N. You have to follow us at the GCPD. I promise we will let you use the tests here and we’ll protect you if Zsasz tries something against you. Let me call Lee, she will stay with you and confirm the results and answer your questions if needed.” He tried. 

Y/N eyes were wild. Since the GCPD was here and not some mere cops, somebody must have seen her and contact them. Her phone suddenly buzzed in her pocket and she lifted her index at Jim to indicate him to wait a second. 

----------------- 1 New Message ------------------

Oswald Cobblepot 

Don’t you dare keep me in the dark when you’ll know the result. 

I sent you moral support so the suspense won’t be too unbearable. Am I not the best friend in town? Btw I also took the liberty to contact the potential lucky father. 

xoxo

----------------- End of the message ---------------

“That fucking little piece of shit”, the assassin spat, quickly looking up at Jim and Harvey. “Lead the way guys, and drive fast, Oswald Cobbitchpot already have contacted Vic. Hope you improved your shooting.” She said. 

Never before Jim drove that fast in the city, regularly glancing at Y/N through the  rear-view mirror. To her credit, the woman looked perfectly composed right now, her legs elegantly crossed as well as her arms. They decided to not put handcuffs on her since she followed them without protest but more importantly, in case of Victor found a way to go back in town before they reached the GCPD and decided to ambush them. She clearly was their best asset if it happened. 

--

When they finally went inside of the GCPD, Lee was already standing here, waiting for them. Her face also was livid. “Y/N”, she however greeted, trying her best to put a reassuring smile on her face. “Keep that pitying smile in case my fucking pee brings the news of my fucking pregnancy, Lee”, hissed Y/N, letting the other woman leads the way to the loo. “Happy to hear that you know how to use it”, the forensic muttered. 

The way to the toilets was silent after that. Y/N throwing herself in a cabin, quickly starting to work and didn’t even bothered to close the door, making Lee clear her throat and look on the side. When she finally heard Y/N’s zipper and the flush, she looked at her again and gasp noticing what the assassin was holding in her hand.

“Are you really that afraid of it?” Asked Lee incredulously while watching Y/N now sitting on the toilet with the three tests, regularly frowning at her watch to check the time. “I don’t know, doc, what do you say?” Answered Y/N in a sarcastic voice. “Little one would be so happy to know mommy and daddy were homicidal maniacs and sadists. Oh, and that daddy is currently chasing mommy to fucking split her head in half.” 

Lee winced at her answer and chose to stay silent, crossing her arms patiently. Only to jolt when shooting resonated from the main room of the police station. “Oi Y/N!” Called Zsasz voice from there. He was beyond pissed the two women could tell. 

“Two more minutes”, whispered Lee, now looking in fear at the poor door keeping them safe from Zsasz wrath. “Let’s hope Victor broke his wrist or something on his way back to Gotham. Not to criticize, but Jim and maybe Harvey should be the only one to stand before him right now... not like they could keep him at bay for too long”, grumbled Y/N with a pout.  

They were a very few to try to stop Zsasz indeed. Five minutes ago, a very stiff Victor passed the main doors of the GCPD, his clench jaws and the huge vein popping on the side of his neck enough to make the oldest and most corrupted cops flee far away from him. 

He didn’t even took the time to mock them, too focus on storming inside of the place, planting his right foot on a bench and climbing on a desk, exactly like the first time he met Jim. 

“Hello everyone. I am here to collect my precious wife, Y/N, who entered here a  moment ago. I’m just here for her, nobody else, so tell me where she is and you’ll be free to go.” He said in a flat and terrifying voice. 

Jim, like during their first encounter, walked on the wooden balcony facing the hitman. “Zsasz.” He greeted slowly with a nod of his head. The assassin looked at him, his pitch black eyes seemed to be dead. “Hi Jim.” He said. “Where is YN? Bring her here.” He demanded. 

Jim gritted his teeth and took a big breath. “She’s under our protection. I can’t bring her here, we both know what you want to do to her right now.” 

His refusal made a second prominent vein pop next to the first. He never saw it before. He gulped audibly but forced himself to straighten and lift his chin up. “Sorry but no. You’re a danger for her right now.” He refused again. 

Zsasz’s last string of patience snapped and he quickly grabbed his gun to shoot in Jim’s direction, the detective dodging it just in time. “Oi Y/N!” the hitman yelled in a commanding and dark voice, before shooting again, this time with Jim, Harvey and a few cops who dared staying in the room shooting back. 

Victor managed to put down a few of them and had the perfect aim at Harvey when Y/N voice resonated in the whole GCPD. 

“I’M FUCKING BLEEDING!”  

Everybody froze on spot, Harvey glancing at Jim who glanced back. They almost missed Zsasz rushing to the voice, his posture still as stiff as when he arrived and his gun very much loaded in his hand. 

“Zsasz!” Called Jim, bolting on his feet and starting to chase him, only to be stopped by Harvey’s arms around him. “Don’t, we already did enough. Now it’s their bloodbath, not ours Jim!” He shouted 

-- 

The gloomy green door literally fell on the floor when the hitman kicked it open, making Lee scream and rush to the corner of the room. Victor totally ignored her, focusing his white hot rage on his wife, sat on a toilet, her elbows on each of her knees and her face buried in her hands in what looked like absolute exhaustion. 

The hitman made a step but stopped when his foot collided with something. When he looked on the floor, he saw the three pregnancy tests showing negative results, as well as a gun and a few bullets next to it. His eyes lifted up again to look at Y/N miserable form, who didn’t move and looked like she was in the middle of a mental breakdown. She didn’t even seem to have notice his presence. He sighed heavily. 

Lee let another scream out when she saw Victor taking another step and smash the handle of his gun behind Y/N’s head, knocking her out cold. The forensic saw the man crouching and lifting the other woman, putting her on his shoulder and grabbing the abandoned gun on the floor. “What have you done!” She shouted. Victor turned to her, unfazed. “She wasn’t here.” He simply said, shrugging his shoulder like it was obvious. “Thank you for your time, doc. I’m bringing my wife back home.” He added. 

Lee was too stunned to answer and just looked at him making his way out of the loo, his gun still in his hand and Y/N’s slack body secured on his shoulder. 

When Victor reached the main room of the GCPD, he saw Jim’s shock, noticing Y/N’s body. “What-...” He started but Zsasz cut him. “I’m taking her home.” His neutral voice never indicating what would happen when and if she woke up. “WAIT!” Called Gordon making him sigh again. “The tests?” the cop asked. Victor shrugged. “Negative” He answered, and didn’t try to hide his sadistic grin when he saw all the tension leaving Jim and Harvey’s bodies as well as the loud sighed they let out. “Thanks little Jesus”, whispered Harvey before lazily moving his hand in his direction. “Get the fuck out of here for today guys, we will see you another time.” “HARVEY!” Chastised Jim but a look at Y/N’s very pale face was enough for him to close his eyes painfully and nod. “Just” He however added, making Victor stop again. “Will you try to kill her, if the result is positive one day?” 

His question met a heavy silence. And Gordon was ready to let it unanswered but the maniacal laugh of the hitman broke it suddenly, chilling him to the bones. It stopped as brutally as it had started, letting Victor’s face blank again, his black pools looking intensely in his eyes. “If i’m not the cause of it, certainly.” He said, letting a crooked smile growing on his face. “Later guys”, he then saluted before disappearing with his burden.

--

She jumped out of the bed she was put on, frantically searching for a blade in her pants, only to feel her bare skin. “Hi-ho”

Y/N’s eyes brutally landed on the other side of the bed, spotting Victor lazily sat in a armchair, polishing one of his blade. “Welcome back sweetness”, he greeted flatly and took a sadistic pleasure looking at the stupid face she made, clearly trying to remember what in hell happened. “The tests?” She asked with wide eyes and holding her breath. 

“Oh? Your usually sharp mind abandoned you before finding out?” He mocked a bit. She frowned in displeasure. “Well I suppose that since I’m still breathing I’m not with a child after all.” She hissed, her gaze now landing on the bed and seeing a bit of blood where her lower part was resting earlier. “Thanks fucking god”, she sighed in relief. 

He chuckled a bit at her antics. “That was one hell of a breakdown”, he then said, earning her attention again and a raised brow. “How long?” She asked, seeing him lifting up from his seat. “Seven hours. Your phone is going berserk and I think we will have to find a new hideout soon, since Jim is asking if you’re still breathing since we left the GCPD. I suspect he’s trying to find Nygma and make him collaborate in order to find you.” 

Y/N groaned out loud and slapped a hand on her face, letting it slide slowly. “You’re enjoying it, aren’t you?” She sighed. He simply nodded, making his way around the bed to finally face her. “It’s not often that you do something so incredibly stupid.” 

She gritted her teeth and had to fight herself to not yell at him or try to rip his head off. “I KNOW, alright. I... kinda panicked ok? And that little fucker Oswald had to add fuel on the fire. I had to make a decision and didn’t have the time to : fight Jim or Harvey, go back home, pee peacefully on those fucking tests, wait three freaking minutes while humming and loading my guns for when you would go back and try to slaughter me.” She enumerated, her voice going higher and higher making him chuckle again. 

“If I kill you because you’re with a child, the old man would have my head and skin me alive, and frankly he would be right.” He said while making a face. “Sorry to tell you, sweetness, but only the Blessed Virgin Mary found herself pregnant without human help.” He sneered. “And since it needs two to conceive, I’ll not put the blame on you if it happens.” He shrugged. “We just have to be ok with what we would do after that.” 

Y/N looked at him like she never saw him before. She had to blink a few times before smashing both of her hands on her face harder than before. “I’m a fucking idiot. The greatest moron of the planet right now. I feel so stupid.” She muttered. 

“Yeah you can, I was pretty mad hearing about your reckless trip at the drugstore, then how you followed the cops to the GCPD, hiding like a coward”, he reproached a bit coldly, making her sigh. “Look, I wasn’t thinking straight and I’m not proud of my own stupidity. I’ll say it just once so make sure your ears are working correctly : I am terribly sorry.” 

He nodded slowly, keeping for him that he was so mad he could have shot her in the most painful parts of the body for what she put him through. Her mental breakdown and the gun at her feet were the only reasons he calmed down so quickly. He knew she didn’t want any child but never thought she was so terrified of it that she would act so desperate. 

He sighed again and put an arm around her shoulders to pull her against him, kissing her forehead and letting her put it on his shoulder. “I can die from shame at this point if it makes you feel any better”, she muttered against his shirt, making him snort. “Not really, I would be sad to lose my favorite fool.” He mocked a bit, then grin when he heard her low chuckle. She deserved that one. 

--

A/N - I hope you liked it! Thanks again for your request my dear, have a beautiful day/night and take care! 🥰

[envihellbender]

“You hate me. I know you do.” + Victor/Ed

Fandom: Gotham

Characters: Victor Zsasz, Ed Nygma

Ships: Oswald/Victor, Oswald/Ed, Oswald/Victor/Ed

Note: yes in my fics Victor is always a trans man, always

Victor slipped his coat from his shoulders and threw it over the arm of the antique armchair before falling onto the large, velvet sofa. He put his feet up on the coffee table with his large bag of crisps on his lap.

“I got here first, so I get dibs on the TV,” Victor said snatching the remote from Edward.

“You weren’t here first, I’ve been here for-”

“I mean I’ve lived here longest, duh,” Victor interrupted as he opened his bag of crisps. “So it’s my TV.”

“What makes it your TV?”

“Oswald bought it for me. It’s great, right?”

“So it’s Oswald’s-”

“Whatever. The most important thing is, it isn’t yours.”

“Why do you do this?”

“Do what?” Victor asked, speaking with his mouth full of crisps.

“These petty little mind games.”

“I dunno, I don’t share very well.”

“Can you just be honest about how you feel?”

“What the fuck are you talking about?”

“You hate me. I know you do, you’re hardly subtle about it,” Edward said through gritted teeth.

“Oh? And why would I hate you?” Victor asked, turning his whole body towards Edward and edging slightly closer.

“I don’t know. I guess you don’t like to share Oswald-” He stammered, his cheeks burning from how close Victor is from him. He can feel his eyes scanning his body and he feels so small next to him.

“Oh, I don’t mind Os having you around,” Victor said, his breath hitting Edward’s face. His voice and green eyes darkened, for a moment Edward felt terrified as he saw the Zsasz everyone feared. “What I don’t like is sharing him with the guy who picked some dead girl over him and tried to kill him.”

“You- that has nothing to do with-” Edward spluttered, he backed away from Victor and felt the arm against his back. He grew pale and shook as he wondered for a moment if Oswald was the only thing keeping him alive.

“Erm, yeah it does,” Victor interrupted. “Os is mine and I am his. It’s my job as his assassin to protect him. He’s my king. My god. I would kill and die for him. And when there is a threat is moving into my house and drooling over him… that means my role as the boyfriend and as the assassin starts to get blurred.”

“I’m not going to hurt, Oswald,” Edward responded, his voice shaking. Apart of him understood, but he felt infuriated at the same time. It was hypocritical of Victor, Edward thought.

“Yet,” Victor replied simply turning away from him and going back to his side of the sofa and to his crisps.

“And this is why you won’t let me use the big TV or share your snacks?” Edward asked relaxing as he finally felt his own breath again.

“Nah, I was just here first. So I get dibs. Duh,” Victor shrugged.

“How can I convince you I love Oswald too?”

“I dunno. I don’t really care. You’re still sleeping in the spare room most nights without Os, and he’s cuddled up to me. You’re just a spare.” Victor turned to Edward as he spoke, an infuriating shit-eating grin spreading over his face.

“God you’re so- you’re infuriating.” Edward folded his arms in annoyance as he watched Victor stuff his mouth and flick through the channels.

“Yeah I know,” Victor said, he had visibly grown bored of Edward and focused on the TV for a while. When Edward tried to reach for his crisps Victor slapped his hand.

“Why can’t I have one?” He asked defensively. He felt like a bullied child again, and it infuriated him more than anything else.

“Maybe if you eat me out,” Victor grinned, throwing a look towards Edward.

“Excuse me?” Edward spluttered.

“You heard me, if you want the chips, you’re gonna have to get on your knees,” Victor grinned. Edward groaned and jumped up to his feet storming out of the room. Victor giggled to himself and sprawled out over the now free sofa.

[house-of-slayterr]

Zsasz Family Incorrect Quotes:

@keffirinne @jason-todds-bitch @flaysthings @howl-fantasies @animegoddexx

Maggie: You have to apologize to Y/N

Victor: Fine.

Victor: ‘Unfuck you’ or whatever.

Victor : Are you laughing at that video of Basil and Y/N fighting?

Maggie : No.

Maggie : I'm laughing at the comments.

Maggie : I’m gonna die alone.

Basil: Maggie , you’re not gonna die alone.

Maggie : Jim , was my safety net, okay? They got married and now I have to get a snake.

Victor : Uh-huh. Why is that?

Maggie : If I’m gonna be an old lonely person, I’m gonna need a thing, you know? A hook. Like that guy in the subway who eats his own face.

Maggie : So I figured I’ll be “Crazy Lady With A Snake”, you know? Crazy snake lady.

Maggie : Then I’ll get more snakes, call them my babies. Kids won’t walk past my place, they will run! RUN AWAY FROM CRAZY SNAKE LADY!

Why is this one accurate 👀

Basil: I'm bored.

Victor : Wanna commit first degree murder?

Basil: Sure!

Maggie , hearing them: No- Stop, don't do that! Put that knife down! Put Oswald down!!

Y/N : Who wants to go out of the country on a road trip?

Basil: Yea, I could drink legally!

Victor : I could hang out with the boys!

Maggie : I could hide from the consequences of my actions.

Victor : Why is Maggie crying on the floor?

Basil: They took one of those 'what person are you?' quizzes.

Victor : And?

Basil: They got Y/N .

Literally screaming, I can imagine the offended look of Y/N face and the smirk on Victors.

Maggie : We need to distract these guys.

Basil: Leave it to me.

Basil: Centaurs have six limbs and are therefore insects. Discuss.

V & Victor : *immediately begin arguing*

Ahhh yes, father daughter bonding.

V: Basil has no idea I’m high.

Basil: You’re high?

V: Oh, I’m sorry.

V, leaning over to Maggie : Basil has no idea I’m high.

Maggie , excitedly: Heeyy!!

V: Hey, someone's excited.

Basil, deadpan: Yeah, and it's making me sick.

Maggie : So, are you two friends?

Basil: Yes.

Harvey : No.

Poor Basil doesn’t know how to make friends 😭

Harvey : What makes you think it's okay to watch Hannibal given its subject matter?

Maggie: Sometimes, I watch television shows for entertainment purposes.

Basil: Because I condone murder and cannibalism.

Not me just projecting another special interest onto my character. 

 Maggie : Victor is okay.

Basil: They're okay? They said they were going to break my legs! And don't tell me they didn't mean it, okay?! 'Cause they gave me the mackerel eyes, they meant it!

Maggie : Basil, Victor threatened me. They threaten Y/N every day. They probably threatened Jim before breakfast this morning. It's what they do. Grow a pair.

*Everyone is giving advice to Maggie *

Jim : It's okay to ask for help.

Y/N : You're not a burden.

Victor : Murder is okay.

Basil: Your feelings matter.

Maggie : What are you writing?

Selena : The government wants to know what kind of weapons we have in the house. I'm letting them know it's private information.

V, looking over Selena 's shoulder: This just says 'fuck around and find out' in calligraphy.

Selena : V! What did I tell you about lying?

V, looking down: ...That it only works on Maggie.

Basil : Isn't it weird that people kill mosquitoes just because they're annoying?

V: Damn, if people did that to each other, Selena would've killed me years ago.

*Selena is telling a story*

V: Wow, Selena, this story has everything! Action! Adventure! Romance!

Basil : Romance?

V: I have a crush on them.

She would totally say this 🥺

Maggie : Basil , I am questioning your sanity...

Jim : I never questioned it, I knew their sanity was missing from the start.

Jim : Basil , gather the others. We need to have another Maggie -is-doing-something-stupid-again-and-we-have-to-stop-them-before-they-hurt-someone convention.

Home girl really needs to stop running head first into danger, I swear!

Maggie : We've got to find a way to cut down our expenses. What can we live without?

Basil : Jim , probably.

His petty ass would 😂

V: Happy birthday Y/N! I'm your gift!

Y/N, whispering to Victor : Did you get the receipt, or do I have to keep them?

And the step mom of the year award goes to…

Y/N: All in all, a 100% successful trip.

Victor : But we lost V.

Y/N: All in all, a 100% successful trip!

Victor : V, what do you have?

V: A KNIFE!

Victor : Okay, have fu-

Y/N: NO!

Y/N: What is it called when you kill a friend?

Basil: Homicide.

Maggie: Murder.

Victor : Homiecide.

Basil: Oh god, they texted you ‘hi.’’ punctuation only means one thing, Maggie. They're mad at you.

Maggie: No, it's Y/N. They're just being gramatically correct!

*meanwhile*

Y/N: And then I used a period so they'd know that I'm mad at them.

Victor : A period doesn't say 'I'm mad', it says 'you're dead to me'.

Y/N: I stand by my choice.

V: How do you connect with a fictional character?

Y/N: What?

Victor : What?

Basil: What?

Maggie: *pulls up a 500 slide presentation* I'm glad you asked.

Maggie : You three, explain right now!

Y/N : It was Victor .

Basil : It was Victor .

V: It was Victor .

Victor :

Victor : …fuck.

Maggie : You’re a loose cannon, Y/N .

Y/N : No, I’m not. I’m a cannon, maybe, but a loose cannon? Is that what you think of me?

V: I think you play by your own rules.

Basil : No way, they think rules were made to be broken.

Maggie : Those are all attributes of a loose cannon.

Y/N : No, I’m just a reckless renegade. Victor is a loose cannon.

Victor : *smashes a chair* Aah! You shut your trap, Y/N !

Basil : I’d say Victor ’s more of a cop on the edge with nothing to lose. That’s an entirely different thing.

V: Now I’m just confused. Is Y/N a loose cannon or not?

Maggie : All right, put on a pot of coffee. We’re gonna get to the bottom of this.

Y/N : *groans*

Victor : Aw, man.

Victor : Hey, Y/N, what do you think it would be like if we had kids?

Y/N: What would it be like? Inconvenient, mostly.

Victor : No, I mean, what would they be like, the kids? You ever think about it?

Y/N: Can't really say I have.

Victor : You know, for someone as eccentric as yourself, you can be boring as fuck sometimes.

Y/N: Sorry, Victor . For what it's worth, I'm picturing them now. A boy and a girl. Two perfect little freaks of nature raised by people who've clearly got no business bringin' up anybody.

Where’s the lie?

Victor : I think you're still suffering the effects of your party last night.

Maggie: All I drank was Redbull!

Victor : How many?

Maggie: Eighteen.

Maggie: Hello Victor , made anyone cry today?

Victor : Sadly, no. But it’s only 4:30.

Kidnapper: We have your child

Y/N: I don’t have a child?

Kidnapper: Then who just asked for warm milk and made us cut the crusts off their sandwich?

Y/N: Oh god, you have Maggie

Maggie: Y/N, I screwed up, big time.

Y/N: Maggie, given your daily life experiences, you’re gonna have to be more specific.

Basil : What are you drinking?

Maggie: Vodka.

Basil : Straight?

Maggie: No, gay. Why?

Maggie: *fast-forwards all the way through the movie*

Basil : You can't just skip to the happy ending!

Maggie: I don't have time for their problems.

V: Hold on, I can explain!

Maggie: Really? Can you now?

V: I can if you give me a minute to think of a convincing lie.

Maggie: I'm going the fight the next person who insults V.

V: I hate myself.

Maggie: Alright, square up.

Harvey : Maggie, is that legal?

Maggie: When there's no cops around, anything's legal!

Harvey: *glares in cop*

Maggie, entering the room: *Sees Jim and leaves*

Jim , watching Maggie leave: There’s my monthly dose of Maggie…

Fucking accurate!

Basil : Y/N taught me to think before I act.

Basil : ...So if I smack the shit out of you, rest assured that I thought about it and am confident in my decision.

Victor : Go big or go home!

Y/N : Please, for once in your life just go home. I'm begging you. Go. Home.

Victor : I'm going big!

Y/N , grinning: I have a knife!

Victor : Put it down, Y/N .

Y/N : Make me! *sprints away*

Y/N : Did you like the food I made?

V: No, not really.

Y/N : But I put my heart and soul into it!

V: No wonder it tastes so cold and dead.

Basil: Are you mad?

Y/N : No.

Basil: So sharpening your knives at 3 in the morning is just a hobby?

Y/N : Why are you drinking?

Harvey: I drink when I'm depressed.

Y/N : But you're always drinking?

Harvey: *smug grin*

V : I am in charge of this disaster!

Selena : I have a name, you know.

An: Yes I added Jim and Selena, there part of the ‘family’ through association. I don’t have to explain why uncle Harvey is here.