#Okay fine I'm already there you got me
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Goal: Be normal
Obstacle: Watching literally any interpretation of Treasure Island, apparently
#Why's it Stevenson again. What has he done for me lately (Jekyll and Hyde)#That was like the one book that I just straight up refused to read in school and it's back to haunt me#And honestly I'd be fine if it was just one thing! But no it's a weird fucked up web of loving stuff!#'Cause first of all it's RLS as previously states - Jekyll and Hyde author (love) which just puts me in a clone/doppleganger state of mind#Okay fine I'm already there you got me#But then you've got me in a pirates mood which my brain Is Still After All This Time in love (love!) with the Pirate Fic#And it super doesn't help that Treasure Planet is also sci-fi as if I wasn't aliens enough lol#But like the relationship between Silver and Hawkins and growing into your own person and just jfskalfsdf#Stop being good! Stop it! You're giving me Feelings and Feelings spawn Ideas and I Am Trying To Edit!!#I am backlogged to fuck btw I am suffering :'D I legit might have to pump the breaks I have so much to edit#We're talking in the hundreds - meanwhile my brain is trying to point me back to the Pirate Fic because look ♥ Authors (love) Stories (love)#Stop your nonsense! I'm trying to focus!#Doesn't help that I haven't drawn for a couple days either so The Energy is building meanwhile I'm trying to wall up against the flood#Stop making! The two halves are out of whack! I'm making way way Way more than I can keep up with!#Editing has gotten boring as well which is :/ It did used to be relaxing but I'm just so impatient now#I want to draw! But then I also want to show off what I've drawn! But I want it to be pretty!#I need to tear through this notebook - drawing brain likes this idea and editing brain hates it - 'cause the paper is subpar :/#Dark lines with a grain that catches graphite not fun to work with - fine to draw on but a pain to edit#Anyway lol ♪ Back to what I was doing before#Update: WAIT I forgot the Feelings I had about Arrow fjdslakfdjf#The dynamics are non-specific and apply all the way around because I say so
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I think for all the discussions we have of "everyone hears the jokes and the piano; after that, they stop listening" surrounding Louis, we tend to still simplify his connection to the piano.
Yes, it's very cute that he sings Clementine a little song when they first meet, and it's very cute that he plays a little prank on her while "tuning" the piano. It's super cute that they carve their initials into the piano and Clementine carves a heart around them. It's mega cute that he names his song he wrote after her when she confesses her feelings. Louis playing Don't Be Afraid at the party is, in my opinion, one of the best moments in all of TFS.
But here's the thing: That piano is Louis' heart.
I don't mean to go all metaphorical on you, but I'm dead serious—the piano is Louis' heart, and when you think about his arc and his romance route with that in mind...?
That piano is his one comfort in a world where the dead walk. It's been with him from the beginning of the outbreak. We know from his backstory that Louis wanted to take singing lessons so he could be a real musician, and his father denying him of that was what set him off to be a "vindictive fuckhead." Louis never got those singing lessons, and it's a very real possibility that Louis taught himself how to play.
Sure, others could've taught him; we know Minerva was musically talented, perhaps she showed him a thing or two. But learning piano, or any instrument, is brutal even with professional guidance. It takes hours of practice until numbness wears fingertips raw; dedication to memorize every key and finger placement to make music pleasing to the ear; self-discipline to keep going through every fumble, every failure, every single cruel thought of self-doubt; intelligence and a creative ear to write his own songs.
And yet, it's severely under-appreciated by everyone. It's annoying. It's distracting. It's unimportant. It's an excuse for Louis to mess around and not do any real work. He doesn't have any actual talent. The music and the piano are brushed off, unheard.
Yet, Louis keeps playing. He keeps singing. He keeps making jokes.
Creating music, the one thing he wanted so badly as a kid that he destroyed his parents marriage, was possibly the greatest comfort he had... a welcome distraction to disassociate from the horror and death happening around him.
It's bittersweet, like a purpling bruise that you can't stop pressing on; it hurts, but there's something else below the pain. The piano is out of tune and it's something that brings him joy... but will always act as a constant reminder of who he was and what he did, why he's at Ericson to begin with.
We first meet him while he's playing; Louis' heart is exposed, but is it really? Is he playing to his true potential? Louis hides behind the mask of a charming, charismatic goof. It's what is expected of him, so he plays a silly song intended to poke and prod at Clementine, to gauge a reaction. That's something we see him do at multiple points in episode one. In fact, we can consider a majority of episode one to be like the song he's playing when we meet him; it's mostly cheery or fast-paced.
Louis is able to soothe AJ with his "alluring" music after the kid bit Ruby is an indication that the two of them will share a bond. Louis is a natural at communicating and bonding with the younger kids [another talent that's overlooked] so it's interesting that he praises AJ for being a natural at piano, as well.
But the song stutters just a bit when Louis and Clementine are in the woods together, though; "There's only one guarantee: this moment. That's the only you got, only thing any of us got. Might as well enjoy it." ...Only for Louis to compose himself and send her away.
It's only when Clementine has a gun in her face, held by Marlon, that the music isn't fun anymore; it's rainfall and thunder and the words "I thought you were more than that" sung through the wind in a melody only Louis can hear.
Then Marlon's dead. The song is over, and reality has arrived.
I've talked at length about Louis in ep2 and his vote in the past. It's one of the most compelling things about Louis' arc and romantic route. It's a tragic mistake driven by trauma and guilt. It's people simultaneously telling him to shut up and telling him to be angrier than he is. Telling him to stop burying his head in the sand when he's never been more aware of everything happening. It's AJ peering up at him with pleading eyes that Louis can't stand to look at. It's Clementine wrapping his heartstrings around her fingers and tugging just enough to hurt, but not break.
Louis missed Clementine. He says as much when Clementine admits she missed him first. I don't even know where to begin with that! I can think of no other way to describe it other than they are half agony, half hope over this... and if you get that reference, you get a gold star. I just- the ache, the tension, the conflicting feelings of finally having a quiet moment to talk but Louis not being ready yet.
Y'know how someone carved "you suck at playing" in the side of the piano? It's something you might not initially notice while playing the game, just as Louis' insecurities aren't apparent at first.. but they're carved in him; never fully healed, still scabbed and bleeding... Until Clementine offers him a bandage.
She won't clean the wound for him, but she'll be there. She'll help him figure out how to do it himself so he can heal. She'll listen to him, not belittle his feelings or pain. She'll make an effort to know his keys and notes and practice playing his song until she understands.
When Clementine chooses him to spend time with him, it's a mirror of their first time meeting... but this time, Louis plays something real: a song he wrote, one that I believe he crafted during the two week time skip... a song he wrote with Clementine on his mind, for better or worse.
If the piano is Louis' heart, he literally asks her to sit there and try to tune it, which ends up being a joke but I say she's already tuned your heart, my guy. It's there before them, changed in the warm candlelight. He plays for her and opens up about how no one actually listens, but Clementine did.
And remember, this is the night of the raid. They don't know it's coming, but they know it'll be soon. Louis understands that he could very well die, so what does he do? He carves his initial into the one thing he's always had, and he asks Clementine to do the same.
I'm sorry, how are we NOT more feral about this? Prior to this scene, the only thing we see carved into the piano, into Louis' heart, is an insult. This thing that Louis cares so deeply about, this instrument that's become so intertwined with who he is... he wants to leave his mark on it just in case he dies. A reminder that it was his and he belonged to it just as much. Something so important, and he asks Clementine to carve herself into his heart where no matter what, they will be immortalized together in this moment.
And when Clementine carves a heart around their initials? Yes, his reaction is very cute and that's great... but she's not ashamed of him, or her feelings for him. She wants everyone who looks upon his heart to know that. She tells him how she feels and Louis is so giddy, and warm, and he names the song after her and I am going to start biting anything that moves, I can't-
Oh, and let's discuss the party scene in episode three, shall we? Y'know, where the heart covered initials are on full display? Where Louis tells the story of why he was sent to Ericson to everyone?
Louis is so... vulnerable. Sincere. Ashamed of what he did. This is the exposed nerve, the one he was so afraid of showing Clementine but there it is... and she doesn't reject him. Sure, she can say it's fucked up if you choose to, but she doesn't break up with him over it.
Also the fact that everyone sitting around him finally listens when he's at his most unshielded only for Tenn to ask him to play Don't Be Afraid for them after...? How do you not see the connection? Are you trying to make me cry? In that moment, Louis' heart was heard and appreciated and beautiful and strong and-
Listen. I am fine. I'm so normal about this. And fine. I'm fine.
But I also have to add that during the walk in episode four, if you let Louis choose what to add to the imaginary house, he picks a brand new piano because he wants a new heart to reflect the confidence and growth Clementine helped him achieve and because he loves her and AJ so much that wants the new heart to not just be his but also theirs and I am so fine with this, okay.
#twdg#twdg clouis#twdg clementine#twdg louis#clouis#long post#happy valentine's day y'all i got you a totally normal louis/clouis analysis#i initially got you flowers but then i ate them sorry#real talk though I started out normal and slowly descended into unhinged waters while writing this... I don't know how it happened#years later and clouis still pierces my soul i am half agony half hope tell me not that i am too late-#I'm fine okay it's only louis asking clementine to carve herself into his soul it's fine#i can already hear 'it's not that deep bro' like i dunno try getting out of the shallow end and learn to swim you coward#2024 is the year cj goes full gremlin. no self-control. writes whatever bullshit her very normal mind comes up with.#apologies in advance for my bullshit skskskss
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#kirby#daily kirby#my art#digital#hal laboratory#nintendo#ask to tag#okay I think my cough is mild enough that I'm allowed to go to the store tomorrow!#I need stuff to organize my bows!#also I still haven't gotten to go out with my wife for our 8 year anniversary!#(although that will be for monday if I'm still well enough)#I always wear my mask when I go out anyway for my own safety#since As Evidenced By The Past Week And A Half#where I was near completely out of commission and neither of my partners got more than negligible sniffles#I have to be really careful about all germs not just the ones that I already know wreck my underlying chronic illness#but now it's extra important cuz I don't wanna give strangers whatever germs I had either.#wearing your mask when you are able is both polite and kind.#to people like me who've been kicked out of the world because everyone else is just fine with coughing on each other again.
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I went into bg3 fully ready to have a good time and have done so despite many ways in which the game is not good and have not worried too much over various dramas about patch changes but my chill streak has finally ended and I am wailing gnashing my teeth etc. about patch 7 (the supposedly final one with story/content changes) not adding companion reactivity for any of the durge content in act 2
#gotta regain my chill about this. it doesn't change the good version of bg3 that exists in my head#but like. durge is literally the protagonist character. and a huge chunk of story is just bizarrely missing from act two#all the baddies recognize you and no one reacts#warden says you were an important guest no one reacts#kressa says she had a great time torturing you for weeks no one reacts#and it's so misaligned with companion reactivity for everything else. like#I am one of those players who goes around the camp circle talking to every single companion after anything even mildly important happens#to hear the couple of lines of dialogue they have about it#because they've got a couple of lines of dialogue about every plot development and significant moment in other companion storylines!#but they don't have a single word for enormous central plotline revelations about the player character#it makes the act 3 reactions bizarre too because everyone's shocked by what gortash says and it's like#literally everyone in moonrise was like 'oh hey it's you again' what did you THINK 😭#a lot of people complain about the resist!durge final scene after killing orin being lackluster#and yeah sure I feel it's lacking in a few ways but like. at least it exists.#a cutscene does play and afterwards the companions do react. ymmv on whether those reactions are impactful or fitting#but they do--crucially--exist#whereas in act 2 there is straight up nothing#when people say right in front of the companions 'hello fellow villain fancy seeing you back here again'#there is not even so much as a 'dude are you okay' after kressa talks about keeping durge prisoner and torturing them#okay okay it's fine I'm getting it out of my system I'm gonna be normal about this again#the companions had reactions in the good version that exists in my head 😔#scribblingface plays bg3#okay actually also like larian has made so many changes based on fans complaining a lot about something#often changes that made the complaining people happy but pissed off everyone who already liked the current version#not weighing in on the merit of various specifics but it has struck me as a sometimes odd and unwise degree of#listening to what the players want. like just tell your story and accept that some parts won't please everyone#but THIS THING is universally agreed on by every durge player#because it's not something 'wrong' it's something completely absent that should have been there in order to align with the rest of the game#and yet. we don't get this change in the final update.
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me doing my damnedest to tell people that kim dokja gets isekai'd literally more times than you can count on one hand, and yet there's still people in the notes going UHMMM HE WASN'T TECHNICALLY ISEKAI'D like. man. they aren't even lying for the bit either, like. at least it'd be funny if they were, but nah they're just Wrong and confident about it sjhdgf
#beso babbles#it'd be funny if it wasn't genuine#like if people were lying for The Bit that's fine id join in like yeah disqualify his squid ass smdh#but people just straight up spreading misinfo unironically is a pet peeve of mine big or small#even if its something minor like a silly lil tumblr poll#like. if you wanna try n discredit kdj you can just say that ORV doesn't fall into the isekai genre and you'd be right#at least have some SUBSTANCE to your discreditting statements make it interesting#but regardless kdj himself does in fact get yeeted into other worlds like. VERY frequently asjhdgf and thats all that isekai means/is#i think the worst part is that half the people saying it are people who have literally read orv...besties....come on....#EVEN IF YOU'RE A WEBTOON ONLY READER THATS NO EXCUSE AT THIS POINT#HE GOT YEETED INTO THE GREEK UNDERWORLD. DID YOU THINK THAT EXISTED ON EARTH. ON OUR EARTH. EXCUSE ME.#sure okay maybe you can argue its a realm attched to earth so it doesnt count#YOU CAN'T DO THAT WITH THE TINY WORLD#THATS ALSO APPEARED IN THE WEBTOON ALREADY#DID YOU THINK THAT WAS EARTH??? THEY'RE LIKE 2 INCHES TALL COME ON NOW#NO EXCUSES I AM SITTING YOU ALL DOWN AND MAKING YOU WATCH AN ISEKAI 101 POWERPOINT#(note: i am not actually mad like. tbc. im being hyberbolic. that doesn't mean i'm not a lil peeved that this notion keeps spreading)
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oi. mel emrma jmgfmm hmmm nao sei finge que eu disse algo muito foda é isso te amo/p tenha um bom dia
Hey Mike!
(Orange in English and white in Portuguese)
Kk- tudo bem, não tem problema! Mandando qualquer coisa já tá bom, muito obrigado, viu? Te amo/p também e tenha uma boa noite/dia(a hora que você estiver vendo essa resposta-)!💖
Lol- it's okay, no problem! Sending anything is already something, thank you very much. I love you too/p and have a good night/day (whenever you see this answer-)!💖
#mike#my friend <3#also- yeah! did you guys know that already? mike and I got really just friends now ^^#(or at least I think so- but if not. It's okay anyway. we're fine and that's what matters💛)#(and to clear your doubts. yes. mike and I are nothing more than friends NOW. like- fr. It's just friendship rn.#so don't ship me with him or something. ok? let's NOT talk so much about the time that mike and I were something more than just friends..)#te amar/p🫶#sweet asks#asks#i'm mel and this is my blog✌️#my art blog#art#my art#my art <3#art mel#my art style#mel creator#my oc character
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literally just saw some radfem bullshit on my dash, & then when I went to their blog to block them not only was it full of anti-trans half arguments & accusations of other people being childish, but one of the very first posts was about how a certain show would be better if one of the main characters was a young woman instead of an old man because they "don't like old people"
#there is no point to this other than i'm pissed and tired of having terf bullshit pass my dash#i feel like i'm gonna have to get that eye thing because i don't super vet the blogs i interact with casually#so as long as they're not immediately anti queer i usually don't notice#and then i've got fucking radfem shit in my 'based on your likes' feed#all because i interacted with feminism stuff that - without the anti-trans lens - seemed totally fine#& like terfs are already shitty people but i feel like the anti older person sentiment just further highlighted the fact that#terfs are just shitty hypocrytical people who play the 'poor me boo hoo you're all childish' card & act like they're so fucking superior#& that any trans folks are terrible#and then turn around and spout all kinds of bigotry#but it's okay i guess because they've got a vagina <3 (& experience the exact same kind of misogyny that tons of us do but they're special)#ALSO#I learned what 'moid' means and you guys are fucking assholes#men are not just mindless sex freaks you fucking cunts#& the fact that you think that just shows how warped your sense of the world is#you 'hate the patriarchy' but aren't interested in actually dismantling it#how could you when you don't even view half of the people involved as really human!#fuck off#terfs and radfems aren't welcome here and you can all kick rocks#i try my best for this to be a queer friendly space and i want that to be clear right fucking now#if anyone who follows me has bothered to read this please let me know if i've accidentally reblogged something from the 'drop the t' crowd#i am not the golden standard queer or whatever the fuck the term is#but i dont ever want someone to think that i'm part of that crowd
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Hello, it's been a while!
Today I accidentally acquired two baby Wyandottes
#so here's the situation#a friend of my mom got 6 chicks but can only have 4. so she asked if i could take two of them#but i want to move out in the next year or so if i can and I'll have to leave my chickens behind in my mom's care#i already have 12 which is already too many for her to care for without me#so i said sure I'll take the babies BUT I'll be looking for a new home for them#luckily my sister's friend wants more chickens so she said she'll take em#great! except when the babies arrived i found out my mom didn't mention that I won't be keeping them#so now i feel bad giving them away#what's more I'm pretty sure one is a cockerel and the home i was sending them to eats their roosters#so now i feel doubly bad bc these chicks' previous owner clearly loves them and was happy that i was taking them#so HOOOUUUUHHHGGGHHH okay#yes hello conscience you win. I'm keeping the babies#for now!#i have another home lined up for some of my chickens when i do move out so i guess it's fine if i add two more in the meantime#i am also going to give a couple of my hens away next month to the person i was going to give the chicks to#probably margaret and penelope and maybe one other but idk yet. it's a hard choice :(#they'll be well cared for but I'll miss them#oh btw these chicks were named tofu and dumpling by their last owner and those are cute names so I'll probably keep them#whew i am exhausted after all that#tofu#dumpling
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when people decide you're upset with them and develop a whole conspiracy theory of your behavior and then try to get out in front of it by being like "hey i couldn't help but notice this tiny thing and ascertain that you hate me which is fine of course" like! no one likes that! take me at my word or perish!
#okay that's not correct#nothing makes me disproportionately upset like being told what i think and feel#and then there's literally no room for you to be like because they've already decided what the truth is#and won't change their minds#it's do frustrating and i understand the urge to do it on the other end but it's just so!!!!!!!!!#and it's like yeah if i am being passive aggressive that's a me problem and it's fine to be like#'hey your behavior makes me feel like you might be mad at me' or whatever#but it's just like. a weird level of self-involvement masquerading as self-abnegation#like my life got so much better and simpler when i just decided to take people at their word#and focus on my relationships with people who i could trust to tell me if there was a problem#anyway scream#personal nonsense#sorry i fucked up the tags by using quotes but i'm not retyping all of that
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🖊🖊🖊🖊 for diana ofc
a fun little fact about diana is that she wears her watch with the face on the inside of her wrist
while working for umbrella (well, undercover for the rival company, that is), diana's employment was never common knowledge to the public – because why would a pharmaceutical company need a herpetologist? instead, she simply held a position as a researcher at raccoon university, and would occasionally do lectures, but for the most part she would just take the cable car underground to the nest
when diana collaborated with the connections through h.c.f. in the early 2000s, they named one of the d-type bioweapons after her
diana saw a lot of her younger self in sherry when they first met due to the similarities in their situations with their parents, and the way she behaved around both herself and albert. despite her dislike of children, she couldn't help but feel for her and even came to enjoy when she would stay over on occasion (i'd love if my brain would let me finish the rewrite of their first meeting because i touch on all of this in there and diana's thought process ough)
#asks.#denerims#oc: diana#thank youuu emily!! ilysm 💖💖#i think for the diana asks some things are going to be like things i have probably mentioned before but just like a lil more in depth...#you know how i am. or like things i've deleted since posting them. it's fine. i'm normal about her!! but many lil tidbits in my brain i can#share about her too. just not sure if i have enough rn for the couple of asks i got with lots of pens lmaooo head empty and i've talked#about her SO much that there's not much that's not around here somewhere on my blog in previous ask games oopsies or on her page#also ngl i'm forever mad that in the 3 remake they made nest 2. because the university lab was where the vaccine research for the#t-virus was done when things went to shit and they named that daylight. and then for the creating weapons to combat the b.o.w.s and also#test the bioweapons against one another was done at the r&d centre... i'm fine i'm okay it's okay. capcom can i pleaseeee have an outbreak#remake!!! i miss her!!!! but yeah that's weird cause nest 2 didn't exist originally and the nest was a lot bigger?? it's fine.#anyways she just did her typical like Legal research with herpetology and virology there as a front but then she'd take the cable car#underground to the nest because my rules. if travel to the nest was available by cable cars from the waste facility / treatment plant /#arklay labs / rpd sewers & training facility then i can add another one beneath the university :) ALSO in outbreak they travelled to the#actual nest from the hospital and not nest 2 :) so yes. underground system for employees to access all facilities basically 💅🏼#i originally had her work at the chemical plant as her front but then i went no that would make no sense for her background and like both#of the birkins were already there so it would just be too much going on there and needed to split them up#OH also. sorry omg i talk so much but you know me <3 the part about her working at the university. i literally had this mentioned in that#fic where she went over to the s.t.a.r.s. office and um things happened but i cut that off early cause i liked it ending where it did
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If you're wondering how I'm doing at 3am, I just spent a harrowing 20 minutes trying to get a collar back on this dog, the whole time worrying he was gonna bite me and I was gonna have to wake up my grandparents to drive me to an ER 🙃🫠
But hey! Good news no dog bites for me and now his electric fence collar doesn't look like it's about to fall off if he does one good shake so he can go back to avoiding me completely outside
#But for real this dog is stressing me ouuuuut#It was already a struggle to get him inside and the collar Off in the first place#(I did think he was going to bite then but he just nipped and didn't really apply pressure)#But then I was trying to get it back on immediately and he would Not have it#But he Needs the fence collar on bcs he's mostly an outside dog and that's fine!#But I need to know he's not going wandering who knows where#So eventually I was like 'okay I can try again in the morning first thing before taking all the dogs out'#And then I laid in bed for three hours stressed about it and how was I gonna do it#So eventually I gave up and got up to do it#And with a combination of American cheese peanut butter#And literally him going in a spot where he was stuck facing Away from me#(plus the thickest--not even that thick--hoodie in my aunt's back closet for semi bite protection)#He's got the collar on again and fitted better so hopefully I will Not have to do this again#I'm just really glad that he just kinda... Gives up? If you approach from the back#Like he still could've easily turned his head and gotten my arm good but he didn't#Anyways I'll be dog sitting him (and his much sweeter sister) for a few weeks#And hopefully it goes a lot smoother from here on out#Mypersonalthings
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No but I'm still looking for the Denny's that is still in the middle of nowhere
having cis guy friends is so funny like youll ask if they wanna hang out and theyll send you to the dark woods
#no joke#my brother. fresh out of the house. 19#years old. rolls up to our house right after midnight with a car full of teenagers. tells me and my little sister to get in.#obviously we're asking questions. where are we going. how long are we going to be gone. what are we doing. why are all these people in here.#and a big ol barn that quite literally looks like it's from a Scooby Doo snapshot. it's falling apart#the whole shebang#he answers NONE of them.#so we get in the back seat. I'm being gay with my friend at the time. and we're chilling listening to tunes on the radio.#except now they're talking about a Denny's. i look to the front seat where my brother is driving and he pulls up pictures on his phone#of the inside of somebody's. house. What?#and if that wasn't weird enough. we had already driven 20 minutes off a sideroad into the middle of nowhere. nothing but grass#and a big ol barn/farmhouse that looks like it came straight out of a Scooby Doo snapshot. it's dark as hell out. the lone building appearin#blue in the dark. with a single orange lantern lit hanging from the top. i look to my brother who has never lead me astray before.#and I feel like i am part of Scooby Doo. five teenagers in a car. in the middle of the night. wondering where the hell Denny's went.#now finally my brother has some wits to him. and we take a tight u turn and turn ourselves around. good. shows over right? WRONG.#this bitch pulls up YET ANOTHER place on his phone and starts driving 15 MINUTES UP ONTO A DIRT ROAD AND KEEPS DRIVING.#we're going to a haunted bridge boys!#in the middle of the night! at like 3am! the witching hour! great plan broski. sounds awesome. good thinking there.#we get to this haunted bridge. and this mf is barely 5ft across. but the water below is dark and murky and my lil sis INSISTS she sees a#dude down below. so I'm silently freaking out because what the hell do i say to that. she's like. 13. i tell her it'll be okay. because#that's what big/middle bros do. we drive over the bridge. nothing happens. cue relaxation. my brother is audibly disappointed#“well that was useless” bro you almost took us to Denny's in some cannibalistic farmdudes basement. i think I'll take the barely haunted#bridge. my brother. who still wants to show us an adventure. and probably save face in front of his friends. flips us around yet again and#starts heading off into a whole NEW direction. towards the World's Largest Gas Station!#it is like 4am by now. we're hungry. we're cramping. losing our marbles with exhaustion. and still processing our latest episode with the#Mystery Machine. so fine. I'm taking a nap. just don't get us killed in the long run.#we survived. btw. if that wasn't obvious. and we did actually make it to The World's Biggest Gas Station. and it was pretty fun.#as far as gas stations go at least. i got some honey sticks and a lollipop in the shape of a bear. i don't really like honey. but it wascute#there were walls FILLED with stuffed animals.a whole clothing department. a candy shop. and even a full fledged restaurant on the other side#i think there were even two levels to it? i can't remember. but anyways. we eat. we leave. we survive. end of story.
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like can you imagine if you, as a housed person, said "oh man im really struggling financially right now I can't pay my bills- my electric is going to be cut off, my car might get repossessed, and I definitely can't afford to get a new laptop after mine broke"
and someone who had a lot more money than you said "I can help you!" and you were like"oh my god great thank you so much-" and then they just offered to take you to olive garden. and you say "hey man that's really nice but I'm actually okay on food right now, I really just need to pay some of these bills. I already got food somewhere else (foodstamps, friends, food pantries) and I really just need money. if you can't do it that's fine but I don't need food"
and the rich person said "you must not really need money or be poor then or else you'd take me up on my offer. I bet you were going to use that money on drugs anyway"
that's what yall sound like when you refuse to give homeless people money & just offer to buy them food
food is great! if you need it and that's what you're asking for. unfortunately food doesn't buy clothes, hygiene products, shelter, pay a phone bill, or yes even buy drugs or alcohol if you're going into detox and can't do so safely without literally dying
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my perception of grades totally changed since i started uni
#in school i just did the bare minimum a pass was fine and a 3 great#it's insane to think about it how little i did like for a lot of subjects not at all and if i did i'd study like 2 hrs the day before 😭#and i thought this was studying hard or if i studied 3 hrs at least whaaat#well for some subjects i did a bit more#but like it is no comparrison#at uni i also did study the day before a few times but then i did an 8hr session#(i might just need to do that tmrw but the thing is the exam is one you can't study for so literary idk what i'd study so long for??)#(or how to study... it's translation but how tf do you study translation it's highly subjective and there are no practice exercises)#(i will probably just look at the notes)#but anyway for my last exam i spent 5 hrs in the library a day and i already started 2 weeks before (altough just in smaller bits)#but bumped it up exam week i did like 2-3hrs on average a day#even if i start too late like i did for one of the hardest test of my studies i only studied for 2 days but like all day or 10hrs sth a day#it by far exceeds the 2hrs lmao and even that was very little for this exam many studied 2 weeks but like i got a good grade so it's okay#but my point is now that i get better grades good one's a C is a massive disappointment for me 😅#unless it was a really difficult one then i'd take it but like it upsets me#a teacher once told me when i got a c on an exam quite a few failed that many would be happy to have that grade well true tbh but i can't#and once i almost cried because i got a C because i thought it was an easy course but it was an oral exam and i'm worse in these#(because in written i often remember the answer later in the exam and then go back but in oral i can't do that)#well that was embarrassing😭 i'm trying to never do that again so if i get asked how i feel abt it say it's okay ig#but sometimes even a B is meh 😅 especially if an A was possible and it was an easy course/exam#i want more A's less B's tbh B's also because i really want to go abroad and raise my grade average for that#i want to go from a B average to an A something average to improve my chances#but yeah younger me wouldn't believe this 😂#i really want to study harder to make that step up to more A's than B's like uni does come quite easy to me#and while i study way more compared to others i still get away with less effort and good results but i could have excellent grades#on the one hand it's good that i improved so much on the other those expectations might not be because i'm almost never satisfied anymore 😅#and i know it's kind of really unimportant because there are real problems and also many uni students struggle to pass their classes#it's maybe even a bit disrespectful because they'd be happy to have these grades and i should be more grateful#but i swear i don't look down on anyone with worse grades i know how difficult it can be and also how outside factors play a role#some have it more difficult some have to work a lot next to uni or really suffer from mental illness besides no one's brain is the same
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OH YOU ARE MY BOYYFRIEEEEEEEEEND COME MEET ME AFTER WORK OH YOU ARE MY BOYFRIEEEEEEND COME GET ME IN YOUR CAR
#I'm going fucking insane I need a boyfriend so badly oh. my God dude#I have a best friend and GOD I I AM SO INTO HIM#he'll never see this and never know this is my account so Finley I love you so much you have the coolest style and the nicest voice#I think your little lisps and mispronunciations are so cute and I like the way your face looks and how we have a similar taste in music#and all these little things god damn it bro you've got me so good#I hate being gay he has a boyfriend already and I don't know if he is poly or even has any chance of liking me back because I'm a weird#a weird little freak who manages to be older than him and shorter than him#fuccckkkkk bro. I should explode#sorry guys. disregard I'm ok I swear (I am NOT but that's fine because I'm persistent and someday I will be okay eventually)
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#tag talk#I like my therapist a lot. had another appointment and she's way more thorough about the initial screenings and my last therapist wasn't.#anyway today was a questionnaire about trauma and so I sat on my bed huddled in blankets and she was like heyy you gonna be okay?#largely not okay because Easter was yesterday so you know.. religious christian holidays be that way.#but I didn't cry during the session at all and she was cool and said some good things that I have now forgotten of course.#still didn't tell her about boofing everclear and fucking up my gi tract for a week or so (idk how long it's been)#but she was like “you don't have to tell me. I already get that you do risky behavior” cause I told her about my grindr escapades already.#her earnestness does make me want to get better.#often when people are obnoxious about my issues I just double down as a “fuck you” to them. so I'm glad we've got a good rapport instead.#I didn't get a chance to talk about plurality but it's fine cause I don't think it's they big of a deal. just another coping skill I have.#she did specifically recognize and congratulate me on the fact that I've deliberately worked on coping skills which felt really good.#like. I used to not be able to fall asleep so I practiced it and now I can. I used to startle really easily but I practiced and now I don't.#I have done deliberate effort to overcome my issues and usurp!#*usually people don't notice because they just see the successful outcome.#so it's nice for someone to recognize the work I've put into overcoming my trauma responses even as a kid
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