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selene-tempest · 3 years ago

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It’s our Kayo’s birthday, and to celebrate I dragged her up to Five to participate in another Live From Five.

Selene: Aahhh, we're back! Look at this! John, look, look how long it's been since we last broadcast.

John: Why break the streak now, I'm sure we can go another few months…

S: Hush your mouth, we've got a job to do. The world is still chaotic, Gordon still hasn't found the source of that smell in the hangars that he swears wasn't to do with him but is starting to permeate the house, and it's just nice to get away from it all for a bit. Go on, admit it.

J: I admit nothing, we could have just hung out up here, watched some movies, eaten some snacks, took some time to properly relax, all alone…think about it.

S: That…is very tempting, do we still have that bottle of mass-

Kayo: *loudly clears her throat*

S: Oh, sorry, forgot you were here for a second, you're like a ninja cat that had its bell taken away.

K: I'm not sure how to respond to that.

J: She means you're quiet and that she's sorry that she started to bring up the Knotty But Nice blackcurrant-

S: I think that's enough explanation, babe.

K: *grins evilly settling herself more comfortably in her chair* I don't know, I think I need to know more about this.

S: No, you really don't.

K: But I might be wanting to purchase some for myself.

J: I think I still have the link somewhere…*pulls out his phone*

S: *covers his screen with her hand* Can we just get on with this, please?

J: *smiles innocently* What's the rush? Normally you like to chat for hours and tell me off for trying to hurry things along.

S: Because your idea of hurrying things along is to skip the questions entirely.

J: A foolproof method, I've found.

S: *gives him a squinty eyed warning look and turns back to the camera lense of EOS and its slowly blinking light* Hello, and welcome back to Live From Five, the monthly-

J: Sometimes.

S:- the sometimes monthly, but more at random times, podcast where I force my darling husband to sit down with me and talk to you all about the goings on of International Rescue and the other organisations that help keep the world safe.

J: When the world hasn't slowed down because of a pandemic that is.

S: Ordinarily, yes. But now is the time when we should all do our bit to make life a little more bearable and so we have another of the team ready and willing to answer your most burning questions.

K: I wouldn't say willing exactly.

J: You'll soon learn that resistance is futile, she's like a steamroller-

S: Excuse me, sir!

J: A pretty steamroller.

S: That's better.

K: I love how she didn't even try to deny it.

S: *shrugs*

J: She can't argue the truth and we made vows never to lie to each other.

K: So you finally told her that you don't like those new tie-dye leggings of hers? The ones you said made her butt look like a Rorschach test?

S: EXCUSE ME, SIR!! You said they looked good with that black shirt I stole off Scott!

J: The shirt hides your butt.

S: First my beloved T-shirt, now my leggings? Is there anything in my wardrobe that you actually like? Or should I throw it all away and just go about naked? Would that please you? *throws hands up in frustration*

J: *quirks an eyebrow*

S: *scowls at him* We’re done with this conversation.

J: *scowls at Kayo* You just had to go there.

K: What? You said you never lie to her. I was only asking.

J: What's the first question the viewers sent in? *scrolls frantically on his tablet* Paul asks if your name is short for Knockout.

K: Yes, it is.

S: *still scowling, has now advanced to sulkily crossed arms too*

J: Care to elaborate a bit so she doesn't smack me?

K: Elaborate how?

J: Maybe how you got the name?

K: *sighs* I was ten years old, so was Gordon, there was a sparring match, his face got in the way of my fist.

J: You aimed at it.

K: He was supposed to duck and deflect it, that was the point of training and sparring.

S: Is that why he can only breathe out of one nostril?

K: Yes.

J: Kath asks, how does it feel to be a strong female role model?

K: I don't really see myself that way, at least I never intended to be one. But, I suppose that if young people want someone to look up to I'm glad that I can show them the truth about a few things and hopefully inspire them to try things for themselves.

J: Such as?

K: I'm proof that you don't have to be the biggest or the strongest on the team to make a difference. I might not be as actively involved in rescues like the rest of you are but I have my area of expertise and that's just as good. People shouldn't try to be someone they aren't or to match up to others, being yourself is just as good. You can be strong and successful without compromising who you really are. You don't have to compete with the rest of the world, as long as you can honestly say you're doing your best. We all have different skills and different weaknesses, none are more important than the other. Life shouldn't be a competition, it should be about being the best person you can be. Sure you're going to mess up sometimes but that's how you learn and grow. Oh, and that girls are just as good as boys.

*S & J just staring at her*

K: What? I can be deep. I do have some insightful things to say now and then, you know.

S: Oh, we know, we never doubted that.

J: We just doubted you'd ever actually say them.

S: *swats at him with the back of her hand*

J: Hey! No hitting.

K: Are there any more questions or can I make a break for it in the space elevator?

S: Of course there are more. *steals his tablet off his lap* Yoink. Next question. Isabelle asks if your training includes other sports or activities other than martial arts?

K: Yes.

S: *gives her a look that says she’s trying her patience*

K: *rolls her eyes* I was not told that this interview process would be so intrusive, I’m head of security and this is not very secretive.

S: It’s a question about your training, how can that be a bad thing?

K: Is that another question on the list?

S: Don’t get cute, just answer the training one.

K: I used to be on a Parkour team at university, I found that I had a natural affinity for it and I still practice it now and then, just basic wall and rooftop runs, that sort of thing. I also do some weight and strength training, like pull-ups and planks on objects, you never know what you might run into in the field and we should always be prepared.

J: Natural affinity for it. I think you’re forgetting one thing you used to do that you haven’t mentioned…

K: *narrows her eyes dangerously at him* Don’t you dare.

S: What? What am I missing? Share with the class.

K: *huffs, admitting defeat* I used to do gymnastics when I was younger, lots of tumbling and balance work mostly, which yes *glares a pointed look at John* did contribute to my affinity to Parkour.

J: *smiles evilly* There were ribbons involved-

K: *lunges for him*

J: *drags wife onto his lap to use as a human shield* and twirling!

S: *attempts a very crap version of defensive karate hands* I can wax on and wax off, don’t make me use it. *demonstrates, protecting her man even though he is an ass who is laughing behind the safety of her back*

K: You have to sleep some time, Tracy.

J: I’m protected then too. *peeks over her shoulder to look at Kayo, very tempted to stick out his tongue* What’s the next question, love?

K: I don’t think I want to answer anymore. *crosses her arms defiantly*

S: *continues regardless* Emma asks what is it like living with Five Tracy brothers and who is the biggest pain in the butt?

K: John.

J: Hey!

S: Come on, you don’t mean that. No way is he more annoying and hard to live with than Gordon or Scott. No way in hell.

J: Thanks for the support.

S: You all have your moments, I’m not gonna lie. *pats his hand* Come on, Kay, just give me a decent answer, please. Show these boys how it’s really done, they have just been complete nightmares and we might have Brains next.

J: Wait, we what?

S: Have Brains next, by popular demand. It’ll be fine.

J: Have you met Brains?

S: *deadpans* On a number of occasions, yes.

J: So you know that he likes the spotlight even less than I do, preferring to hide away in his lab and never see the light of day?

S: You make him sound like Victor Frankenstein. Which would definitely make the place more interesting.

K: *sits quietly looking smug, they have once again forgotten her*

J: I’m not even going to dignify that with an answer. Kayo, what’s it like living with us all?

K: Well, that peace lasted a long time. *straightens from her slouch* It’s noisy, chaotic, and sometimes a little overwhelming.

J: *nods along, and they wonder why he spends so much time in space*

K: You can’t keep anything to yourself. Food, drinks, snacks, magazines, toiletries, everything is up for grabs as far as they are concerned.

S: Truth. But they do have some good points.

K: Yes, while it’s sometimes annoying, it’s not all that bad. When you’re having a bad day there is always someone there to talk to if you’re so inclined. You’re never alone and while that’s not always a positive thing, it means that there is always someone there for you when you need them most, you never feel lonely. I know that, whatever happens, there is someone there that has my back.

S: And who is the most annoying?

K: Scott, closely followed by Gordon.

J: Why Scott?

K: Because he’s too up in my business. He always wants to know where I am and what I’m doing.

S: That’s because he cares.

J: I always know where you are too.

K: But you don’t ask me about it and I don’t tell you, we’ve got an understanding. Scott also knows almost all of my snack hiding places and raids them when he’s annoyed with me, which is often. I have nothing left but a couple of Japanese kit-kat bars left, and only because he doesn't like Lychee flavour.

S: Sounds reasonable. He does that to me too, I think he’s just looking for any excuse to eat our snacks.

J: Why do you think I keep all mine up here?

S: Because you’re a genius?

J: Yes.

S: Ready for another question?

K: Do I have a choice?

S: Well, yeah, I mean, you can always say no or refuse to answer one.

J: We’ll let you have one veto.

K: That’s appreciated. Fine, continue.

J: *eyes scan the list* Let's keep it simple, Lauren asks where your dad is?

K: He’s at home *shrugs* He said he was fed up with constantly being on guard and suspicious all the time and that it wasn’t doing his blood pressure any good. So, he retired, moving permanently to his childhood family home so that he could concentrate on his first loves of gardening and cooking. The boys despaired the day he left and they realised they only had Grandma’s cooking to come home to.

S: That brings us nicely to one of Rebecca’s questions. She says, and I quote ‘Spill the beans, is Grandma’s cooking really that bad’?

J & K together: Yes.

S: Elaborate please.

J: * Looks nervously at the camera, he knew from experience (so did Scott) that Grandma had ears like a bat when her culinary skills were being disparaged*

K: *cares not if she gets caught, continues confidently* She is easily distracted, so loses track of her timings and often tries to compensate. Like if she forgets to put the food in she’ll turn up the heat as far as it will go and cook it for a shorter time. Which leads to it being burnt on the outside and raw on the inside. But sometimes she does it the other way around, where she puts it in too soon and it starts to burn so she turns it off and it goes cold, so it's burnt and cold.

J: *watches impasively as one would a stupid person about to make a very big mistake, like touch a hot plate without oven mitts*

K: She loves spices too, hates bland food and thinks that everything needs to be full of flavour. But she’s not too concerned by the amounts the recipe, if she even uses one, calls for. Much like with heat, she thinks more is preferable. Recipes are not something she’s good at following, she tends to just scan it and trust she’ll remember it when she really won’t.

J: Overconfidence is a family trait.

S: At least she tries, it’s how she shows her love.

K: I’d prefer she showed it with take out, but OK.

S: Sounding a little ungrateful there, Kay.

K: You haven’t lived with it for as long as we have.

S: Next question, before we accidentally start an Island kitchen revolution. Robyn asks ‘ before you got your own ship, who gave you the most rides or how did you get about’?

K: Probably Alan, I tended to have to go along to babysit him a lot at first and I’d make him drop me off on the way home. That or Scott, I couldn’t handle too much of Virgil’s flying.

S: She also asks who was the best pilot from a passenger's perspective.

K: For skill level, probably Alan, but in general, Scott. Alan is technically brilliant, as is Scott, but Alan was under far more restrictions, whereas Scott had less and is more to my tastes.

J: You mean he’s as reckless a pilot as you are and you kept complaining that Virgil was too slow and was boring to ride with.

K: He was and still is. His craft is far too slow, nowhere near as slow as Four, which feels like it’s crawling, but still slow, and he drives like an old lady. Actually, scratch that, Grandma drives faster.

S: Well then, I mean, I’d actually prefer to ride with Virg but...

K: Is that all?

S: *shakes her head and nudges John*

J: *checks the list* Rebecca also asked how you unwind after a tough mission.

K: How does any woman unwind? I quite enjoy a hot bath and a magazine, maybe watching a few shows in bed after. I also like to listen to some soothing music and eat some ice cream.

*S & J look blankly at her*

K: What?

J: *clears his throat* Nothing.

K: *glares at them*

S: *shifts uncomfortably* We just...we just thought that you would do something a little less…

K: Girly? I am a woman you know.

S: I was going to go with depressed dumpee in a Rom Com, but OK.

J: *snorts out a laugh, then immediately stops when Kayo shoots a warning glare at him*

K: I didn’t have to come here, you know, especially not to be insulted.

S: You’re right, I’m sorry.

J: That was totally my bad *holds his hands up in surrender*

K: *eyes flick to the tablet and she waves a hand to indicate for them to continue*

S: Isabelle wants to know if there is anything you wish you had more time to do or something you want to learn?

K: *thinks about it for a moment or two* That’s actually not a bad question. I wish I had more time to travel.

S: You go all over the world.

K: I know, but that’s for business, not for pleasure. I never get to sight see or experience any of the culture. I’d like to visit some of the places that are significant to my family history, the land of my ancestors, just like Father did when he was younger. I’d like to know more about my roots. As for something I want to learn *pauses to think some more* cooking. *Nods firmly*

S: Cooking?

K: Yes, cooking. Father is a good cook and I’d like to have the time to spend with him and learn some of his favourite traditional dishes, like he used to make when I was a little girl. Family recipes always have little tweaks that you don’t find online or in recipe books, every family is different and they often aren’t written down, I’d like to learn some of them.

J: I’m sure we’d all love for you to learn too, so we could eat them, just to test them for you, obviously.

K: Obviously.

J: You know, to be helpful.

K: Of course.

S: *side whispers* She doesn’t sound like she believes you, babe.

J: *side whispers back* She never does.

K: I can hear you, you know.

S: Two questions left!

K: Good.

J: Does that mean you won’t be allowing a quick fire round?

K: Whose questions are they?

S: Mine, one minute on the clock, one word answers, you say the first thing that comes into your head.

K: I’ll think about it.

S: OK then. *checks the list* Steeve asks who spends the longest in the bathroom getting rescue ready?

K: Virgil.

*S & J stay silent*

K: He’ll say it’s not him, he’ll point the finger at Scott, but we all know the truth.

S: *nods sagely*

K: Scott likes his hair super shiny, but Virgil likes his super high. So he will be there blow drying for up to an hour.

J: *nods* I watched him once. Brush it out, product, lift it up, blow dry, more product, blow dry, more product, blow dry again, smooth the outside, more product, final blow dry then pat it into place. I got bored just watching him.

K: Says the man who’s got hair like that. *points at John’s front curl*

J: Hey! This is mostly natural. All I use is a little gravity paste to hold it in place so it doesn’t flop about everywhere. I’m enhancing the style, not creating a whole new one.

K: *grins triumphantly that she managed to get him to defend his hair*

S: Your hair is perfect, my love.

J: *self consciously smooths his hair, realises what he’s doing and stops, looking annoyed at himself* What’s the last question? *yanks the tablet closer, scans the list, then freezes*

K: Well, get on with it.

J: *swallows* I really don’t think we need to do any more, do we? *turns the screen off*

S: What do you mean? We can’t just not read out a question that someone took the time to send in…* takes the tablet* oh.

K: *rolls her eyes* Just read it out.

S: *slides a side eye glance at John who shrugs back, then nudges her to continue* Steven asks who do you secretly have a crush on?

K: *one eyebrow lifts*

J: You can use your veto for this.

K: No, I can answer. There might be someone that doesn’t annoy me as much as everyone else in the world does. He’s good at his job, he’s handsome and we get on very well, we have things in common and we are comfortable enough to tease each other and enjoy a friendship that has the potential to be more but that we’re happy with either way. *shrugs* That’s all I’m going to say.

S: That could literally be anyone.

K: Yep *buffs her nails on her top and stretches a hand out to examine them*

S: Well, that was somewhat enlightening. I think the listeners have definitely gotten to know you a little better.

K: Then I have to kill them.

S: Ya wha?

K: I’m joking.

S: I knew that.

J: Did you really, though?

S: I had high hopes she was joking, OK?

K: Is that it? Can I go now?

J: Unless you’ve decided if you want to answer her quick fire questions.

K: *sighs* She’s going to pout at me if I don’t, isn’t she?

J: Highly likely, but I didn’t think that sort of thing affected you.

K: I can get annoyed as much as the next person.

S: *mutters under her breath* Sometimes more.

K: Fine, ask your silly questions.

S: *grins and sits up straighter* OK, remember the rules, say the first thing that pops into your head, one word answers, feel free to say skip. Babe, time me.

J: *sets a timer* And...go.

S: Favourite colour?

K: Black.

S: On a scale of one to ten how good are you at keeping secrets?

K: Eleven.

S: Do you snore?

K: No.

J: *snorts out a laugh* Forty seconds

S: Texting or Talking?

K: Texting.

S: Nickname your parents used to call you?

K: Tin-Tin.

J: Twenty seconds.

S: If you could travel back in time, what time period would you go to?

K: World War Two.

J: Ten seconds.

S: If you were an ice cream flavour what would you be?

K: Chilli Chocolate.

S: Are rats cu-

J:Time

S: I was going to ask if rats are cute.

J: We are not getting another rat, Alan already has Fuzz Aldrin. Besides, I already said no to the hamster.

S: But if Kayo got one I could help look after him and cuddle him and stuff.

J: No.

K: Yes.

J: Pardon?

K: Rats are cute.

S: Yessssss!

K: *smirks*

J: I think we’re done here.

K: Finally.

S: You’re both as bad as each other, I swear.

J: Yet you continue to force this ordeal upon me.

S: Yep. *turns back to the camera* That’s it from us here on Five. Thanks for tuning in. Next time we’ll have the little seen in the wild creature known only as the Brains.

K: *sniggers* He’ll love that.

J: EOS, cut feed.

If you want to read the rest you can find them here on A03.

#kayo kyrano #John Tracy #selene tempest #live from five #thunderbirds are go #thunderbirdsarego #thunderbirds #thunderbirds fanfiction

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spookyceph · 5 years ago

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Peace Offering, a Shigadabi Fanfic

The first in a series of Shigadabi fics. Because why not?

WARNINGS for mention of destructive/depressive thoughts, language, and unabashed self-indulgence.

Rating: Teen and Up

Words: 3,378

Also, find it on my Ao3 account @ CarlyChameleon.

For someone who hated to drink, Tomura spent a lot of time sitting at the hideout’s bar. He couldn’t have done it if the place were still in business—some unlucky server would’ve had several drunk assholes to mop up off the floor before the night ended. But with it sealed off from the outside world the atmosphere suited him fine. It was quiet. Clean. Both adjectives that applied to his room upstairs, but locking himself in there too long gave him the urge to start climbing the walls. Even he needed to get out of his own head once in a while, whether that involved speaking with Sensei or just watching Kurogiri dust the glasses.

The open space of the bar never threatened to close in and suffocate him. All the different sizes and shapes of the bottles occupying the shelves, glinting in the low lighting, gave him something to look at while he thought besides a glowing screen or blank ceiling as he laid in bed. Or, like now, he could simply trace the swirling grain of the bar top with one finger and think nothing. Or what passed for nothing in his case—his mind churned and surged as relentlessly as the sea grinding away the edges of the land. He’d only learned how to roll back the tide enough to allow for some sleep or brief breaks that kept him from throwing himself off the roof and quieting his brain for good.

The Internet had fished up terms like rumination and obsessive compulsive and thought loops when he’d done a search once. Psychobabble for being his own worst enemy, in other words. Tracing patterns in fabric or wood or pictures or whatever did help sometimes like a few of the articles had suggested, though. Listing colors or items in his surroundings too when he became overwhelmed and started to flounder. (Breathing exercises, however, could fuck right off—all those did was cause him to hyperventilate as he counted each inhale and exhale faster and faster.) The tricks allowed him to hit reset and go back to a previous save point, in a way. The level didn’t get any easier when he returned to it, but the momentary respite allowed him to regroup and adjust his tactics.

He’d been doing an awful fucking lot of both ever since Giran’s first two finds had moved in. Tomura’s nail scraped against polished wood, digging in while his mind replayed the conversation with Kurogiri the evening before, clear as a cutscene.

We cannot further our ends without skilled support, Shigaraki Tomura.

I know, damn it. He couldn’t have even said what his party was fighting on-screen. He’d just kept selecting Attack each round. That doesn’t mean we have to take in every stray Giran drags in from the gutter.

True…yet please recall why we hired the man in the first place: to scout for promising candidates. He wouldn’t present us with anyone he considered beneath our notice. Each point had been spoken with the polite but unwavering logic that had won him the job as Tomura’s handler to begin with. Drifting over to the computer desk, Kurogiri had warped two manila folders onto it. At least skim their profiles before declaring your ultimate decision.

So, Tomura had. And he’d seen beyond a doubt that the fucking walking Rorschach test had been right, as usual. The description of the brat’s quirk had been particularly surprising. Tomura’s mind had roiled with all the possible uses for her. The smartass’s, on the other hand, didn’t boast as much versatility, but it did promise the kind of ranged and wide-area attacks needed to control a battle.

Giran had brought him an illusionist assassin and a black mage. With them, he’d have a better chance at clearing higher level quests. He hated the facts, but that didn’t change them, as he’d been taught in no uncertain terms during the little excursion to UA’s training facility.

Thus, Toga Himiko and Dabi, whoever he really was, had been granted permission to move what worldly goods they possessed into rooms of their choosing upstairs. Tomura hadn’t bothered to learn which. He figured he’d reduce the chances of murdering them in their sleep if he didn’t know.

His hand left the bar and relocated to his throat. The fingers didn’t scratch, but they flexed in the familiar pattern. Letting those two move in might have been a mistake—yet another in a growing string of them. He shouldn’t have given in to Kurogiri so easily because of rattled confidence. He should have insisted all recruits stay somewhere else until they proved their worth and loyalty. To hell with Giran’s professional instincts. What if they were spies for some hero agency? The Toga brat especially, with a quirk like hers. Barring that, they still hadn’t made it past basic introductions without trying to kill each other. How could they be expected to follow orders or not botch a mission because of their own petty goals? And anyway, both of them were just fucking weird.

A sound barged into Tomura’s thoughts from the outer world. Only the small, metallic click of a door handle turning, but it made his head snap in the direction of the hallway. Kurogiri never used the door. He didn’t need to.

Sure enough, there slouched a tall, ragged figure. The zombie. The one name wonder. Dabi.

The skin of Tomura’s throat stung as his nails finally found purchase. Of course the last person on Earth he wanted to see would show up at that very moment. Of course. Because the universe fucking hated him and the feeling was very much mutual.

For a minute, Dabi just filled up the space in the doorway, watching and being watched. When Tomura didn’t move to attack, he finally stepped into the room. His ugly boots clomped on the floorboards as he approached. Still wary, still keeping an eye on where Tomura’s hands rested, he paused at the far corner of the bar. Kurogiri must have had a chat with both newcomers, oh yes. Now they had to be aware of just how close they’d come to never annoying the shit out of anyone ever again.

“So.” Dabi nodded toward the shelves. “We gotta pay for booze or is it included in our membership?”

Even while asking a simple question he couldn’t sound anything less than full of contempt. Putting on an air of boredom despite the knot of tension between his shoulder blades, Tomura shrugged. “Knock yourself out. None of this shit comes out of my pocket.”

No further invitation was required. Dabi strode behind the bar and started examining labels, back turned. Tomura’s fingers twitched. Patchwork asshole. Like he’d fall for a trap that obvious.

Dabi settled on a dark blue bottle with a foreign label. Turning around, he grabbed a glass from beneath the bar, twisted the cap open, and poured without restraint. Fumes wafted over, crinkling Tomura’s nose. Great. Wonder-fucking-ful. The reek of alcohol made his stomach tie itself in knots just as much as it had after his first and final hangover.

He’d thought that drinking the toxic shit might help shut his brain up. And, after choking down an acidic gulp—he’d chosen something a deep gold because he’d just liked the color—it had, sort of. His thoughts had softened, stretching out and slowing with a new elasticity. So, even though his chest and nostrils had still been full of napalm he’d knocked back another swallow. The volume of his mental chatter had faded with the third. By the fifth it became benign background noise. The alcohol’s chemical burn had faded away on the seventh. Memories slid into blank blackness sometime after the tenth.

Kurogiri must have warped him to bed that night because when Tomura woke, sweaty, shaking, sicker than a lab rat, the man already had a bucket at the ready. He spoke not a word while letting Tomura puke his guts up. Or when he brought miso broth, umeboshi, and tea after the dry heaves stopped. He didn’t have to. Tomura hadn’t drunk a drop since.

“You look like you swallowed a bug.”

Tomura’s gaze leapt up from the bar to find Dabi staring at him over the rim of the now empty glass. A little riff of unease jangled his nerves. He’d never seen eyes such a deep blue. They caught and glinted in the low lighting the same way the selected bottle did. The patches of ruined skin sagging beneath just made them more striking.

“Must be the company.” His tongue moved too sluggishly to be sharp, turning the comeback into little more than a mumble. Another jolt of realization lanced through Tomura: Father wasn’t shielding his own face. There wouldn’t be much to see with his hair hanging in a messy curtain…but he still had to repress the urge to fidget on the stool and shift away.

Dabi smirked. Tomura couldn’t tear his stare away from how the smooth skin of his upper cheeks and the trauma-purple scar tissue of his jaw pulled in opposite directions against the surgical staples—the fuckmothering staples—binding them at the seams. The smirk only grew under the attention.

“Yeah, about that…” Dabi reached into his raggedy jacket and Tomura tensed. Then mentally cursed when not a weapon but a small jar was produced. Dark glass, unlabeled, it looked utterly boring in the other man’s palm (also stapled, also intensely weird) as he offered it across the bar. “For you.”

“What…what’s in it?”

“A gesture of goodwill.”

The scarred corner of Tomura’s upper lip peeled back just enough to show a glimmer of teeth. “You couldn’t have given me one in the first place by introducing yourself properly?”

Those disquieting eyes almost glowed. “Sure. But then I wouldn’t have seen who you are. People always show their real selves when they’re pissed.”

A fine tremor infected Tomura’s hands. One swift, short lunge. That’s all it would take to disintegrate Frankendick’s face for good. There would be no Kurogiri to play referee either… “So, what? That was just part of some elaborate test? You going to amaze me with an in-depth character analysis now?”

“Nope. I’m not feeling that generous.”

Right. That did it for his quota of fucks to give for the day. If he stuck around for another thirty seconds there really would be a murder in progress. Tomura turned away from the bar with a scoff.

“Hurts, huh? The stuff around your eyes.”

He froze with one foot on the floor, one still hooked on the bottom of the stool.

“Itches like a sonuvabitch too when it’s humid probably,” Dabi continued, sensing the hook had set. “What’s in the jar helps with that kind of thing.”

“Nothing helps.” The words hissed out of Tomura like a jet of steam.

“This will. I make it. Look how good it works on me.”

For the next solid minute, Tomura could do nothing except grapple with the question of how this staple-faced fucker could even be for real.

Dabi, for his part, let his smirk soften into something that almost resembled an actual smile. Unscrewing the jar’s lid, he set it down on the bar and dipped two fingers into the contents. When he reached forward, Tomura’s hand shot up and captured him around the wrist. Only his index finger didn’t touch, pointed at the ceiling and ready to clamp down in an instant.

On the verge of being reduced to bloody slush staining the floor, Dabi just cocked his head. “Jumpy, are we?”

“The hell do you think you’re doing?” It came out entirely too high and strained to spare Tomura’s dignity.

“I told you. Showing goodwill.” A pause. “Are you touch averse?”

“Am I what?”

“You know. Like, being touched gets you nervous or grosses you out. That sort of thing.”

“The fuck would I know? It’s not like I ever let anyone try!”

Okay. That hadn’t come out quite as intended. Tomura dug his fingers into Dabi’s wrist, deep enough to leave marks even through the sleeve of a jacket, daring the bastard to laugh or make a crude quip. Instead, said bastard quit smiling. His strange, stained-glass eyes only observed, absorbing details while giving none away. Contrary to the lack of mockery, hot blood rushed straight up Tomura’s neck and flooded his face.

All he had to do was flex one finger and Dabi would be dead. Every scenario that played out in inside his mind showed him having the clear advantage at such a close range. So why, why, why had the pulse in his chest and temples kicked into hyper mode?

“Think of this another way,” Dabi said, as if reading his thoughts and causing another spike in blood pressure. “As a show of trust.”

“T-trust?” The word tripped up Tomura’s tongue like it came from an alien language. “We tried to kill each other yesterday.”

The response was a shrug. “That’s yesterday. Like I said, you showed me what I wanted to know. Now I’m returning the favor. That’s why you were so pissed, wasn’t it? When I didn’t make an introduction? You wanted to see if you could trust me. Well, here I am, close enough for you to use your quirk on without much chance to dodge. Still not gonna tell you my name, though.”

All valid points. And having Dabi at his mercy did make for a strong show of dominance. It still didn’t explain why Tomura was the one on the edge of his seat. He eyed the pale goop coating Dabi’s fingers. Sensei had educated him on a wide variety of poisons used for killing or incapacitating victims, but he held few suspicions from that angle. Another crackpot personality test sounded more plausible. For cowardice? To see if he’d flinch if confronted? The only thing Tomura knew for sure was that he couldn’t back down without proving both. He could do nothing except follow the limited dialog and action choices to see what ending he got.

Gathering his will, he eased his fingers from Dabi’s wrist. “Fine. I accept.” A little forethought went a long way; the words came across as gracious rather than sullen.

Dabi continued to study him for a few more heartbeats. When he caught no hint of a trick he reached out and closed the gap.

The warmth came as a shock. It radiated off his fingers just before they made contact with Tomura’s cheek. Against skin they bordered on searing. Despite the extensive training in muscle control and pain tolerance Sensei had drilled into him, a twitch from his jaw betrayed him.

Raising his eyebrows a fraction, Dabi pulled away a few centimeters. “All right?”

Mismatched ass rag. He’d probably raised his body temperature with his fire quirk to provoke a reaction. Rather than Decay his hand and snap it off at the wrist, Tomura said through a snarl, “I’m fine.”

Dabi’s hooded stare declared his doubts on that, but he reached out again. Tomura didn’t falter a second time. The ointment, whatever it was made of, glided onto his cracked skin hot, clingy, and stinging. The fingertips applying it, though, did so with gentle strokes. After a minute or so the sting fizzled into tingling and the heat turned tolerable. It seeped into Tomura’s skull, his jaw and neck. The pinched muscles of his face slowly relaxed. Not so terrible after all. Weird to the nth degree, and he had no clue what he’d do if Kurogiri warped in on them, but not awful. Maybe he’d order Dabi to do this again in the near future. See how much the fucker smirked when his plan worked too well.

Fingers sliding into his hair scattered all petty plans of revenge. Tomura jumped and jerked his head away, blinking, startled.

Dabi’s skin pulled at the seams slightly from a small smile. “Your hair’s covering the other side of your face.”

“Oh.” The only way he could have sounded stupider was if he’d fried his brain like the UA kid with the electricity quirk. A possibility, given how his cheeks and neck were burning up. How the hell had he wound up on the defensive��again? This was why he liked games: whenever a dialog option or approval interaction went wrong he could backtrack and do it over until he got the desired result.

He should kill Dabi where he stood. Eliminate such a major factor of uncertainty. The League needed members to grow, yes, but it also needed stability. Kurogiri would come to see that eventually. Even if he didn’t there wasn’t shit he could do about it in the end. Tomura’s fingers curled on his thighs, ready to leap up and grab any bit of exposed flesh.

A gentle, stitched up hand beat him to it. Dabi brushed aside Tomura’s hair, tucking it back behind his ear. The tickle of the messy strands and strokes from warm fingertips sent fireworks sizzling and popping along the bundles of nerves in his neck and shoulders. Instead of going in for an easy kill his fingers dug into his legs. He barely managed to swallow what would definitely have been a humiliating noise in his surprise. He didn’t even want to consider what his expression had betrayed in that instant.

Was this why people hugged and held hands and all that? Because contact gave them a high? Somehow, Tomura doubted it. Novelty and his inexperience were probably heightening the sensations. Every touch he could remember had been a threat, either given or received. This would turn out no different. He raised his eyes from the bar, intent on finding some shred of evidence to support the suspicion.

Instead, he caught Dabi watching him. Not focused on rubbing the salve in. Not gauging reactions. Just…staring straight at him, irises as bright as the hearts of candleflames. Brain upended, Tomura shrunk in on himself a bit. Seriously, what the blazing fuck did this guy want? Why not spit it out already? The game didn’t have a point without a clear objective.

Tiny sparks spat across the network of nerves in Tomura’s scalp as fingers slipped into his hair again, combing through it. The sharp, involuntary breath he sucked in had nothing to do with the few strands that got caught and pulled by staples. Dabi took his hand away only to let it settle against the curve of Tomura’s cheek. The mildly calloused pad of his thumb caressed soothing heat into the peeling skin.

“There. Better?” His voice was almost as soft as his touch.

Against his will, Tomura realized it was. Not just his face either. For several glorious seconds, his thoughts stayed silent, at rest. There was nothing but warmth and blue eyes and strange feelings he had no names for.

Then the last possibility he would have considered for the whole bizarre encounter breached the calm surface of his mind, churning it back into chaos.

The stool tipped precariously under Tomura as he lurched back from Dabi’s reach. He latched onto the bar’s edge in the nick of time, keeping a finger on each hand away purely by the grace of reflex.

“You really are jumpy. Like a damn stray cat.”

If looks could Decay, he would have given Kurogiri something to sigh about in the form of sixty-eight kilograms’ worth of dust sprayed all over the immaculate shelves and cabinets.

Willfully oblivious, Dabi pushed the little jar across the bar top. “Here. Keep it. Should last awhile.” The smirk returned to his mismatched face as if it had never left. “Don’t expect me to share my chapstick, though. You’re on your own with that one, creep.”

Nothing but a strangled sound of outrage managed to escape Tomura’s constricted throat while the unbelievable bastard grabbed his chosen bottle and sauntered away. He considered flinging the empty glass after him. Using his quirk to bring the entire building crashing down on everyone inside. Crawling into the nearest hole and never coming out too. By the time Dabi was halfway across the room, Tomura had made his decision.

Slowly, his hand went to the jar. One finger touched the lid.

Dabi stopped in front of the door.

A second finger touched the dark glass.

The handle turned.

Three points of contact now.

Faint light spilled in from the hallway.

Tomura’s thumb wrapped around the jar in fourth place.

The door swung shut behind Dabi just as Shigaraki Tomura made his gesture of goodwill disappear, not in his grip but into his pocket.

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wacem · 4 years ago

Text

Alone in the Dark

An Until Dawn fic by Wacem

Read it here or check it out on AO3, where everything is definitely formatted properly, because I suck at Tumblr.

Chapter 1

Chris --- 5:35 AM

Tunnel to Sanatorium

Chris stumbled back a few steps and craned his neck to watch Sam clamber up the wall like a spider monkey. He shook his head. He'd never understand how a person could make that look so effortless. Hell, he'd never understand the appeal of rock-climbing in the first place. He supposed it was useful in circumstances like these, but heights just weren't his thing. At all.

“Guess it’s just you and me now, A--”

He turned around and stopped dead in his tracks. He thought Ash was right behind him, but his eyes met nothing but darkness. With the agonizingly slow pace he'd been able to keep up, he hadn’t even considered the possibility that she wouldn’t catch up. Hell, that's the only reason he hadn't waited for her back at the manhole. She had just groused at him for moving too slowly, so he figured he might as well get a head start. That way, she could overtake him, and no time would be wasted waiting for his crippled ass to keep up.

Only she hadn't.

And now there wasn't so much as a glimmer of reflection on a rock to indicate her existence.

"Ash?" he'd meant to call out, but it came out as more of a trembling whisper.

The wendigo got her. The thought sent a cold dagger through his heart and made his legs feel heavy. No. Not her. I've already lost enough tonight. Please, God, not her, too. His throat tightened, and unwelcome tears stung his already aching eyes.

"Ash??" His voice tore through the lump in his throat and cracked. It sounded way too shrill to his ears, and the way it echoed through the caves filled his soul with dread. As far as he knew, the wendigo could hear just fine; it was just its vision that was funky. Biting his lips to hold in the rising panic, he took a shaky step forward. The pain in his ankle, objecting to having been temporarily forgotten, vigorously reminded him of its existence. He grunted softly.

Images of the stranger, alive one second, gone the next, flooded his mind for the umpteenth time since it happened. Only this time, it was Ashley's body dropping to its knees. Ashley's head thudding heavily into the snow while he stood paralyzed with fear, clutching the stranger's shotgun uselessly as the air filled with the monster's shrieks. First, the wendigo, he'll render you immobile. Then he strips the skin off of your entire body, piece by piece.

Nononono. She can't be dead. I'd have heard something, right? Screams or something. I didn't hear anything, so maybe she just got lost.

"Y-yeah… yeah... she just got lost," he murmured to himself, hoping its utterance would make it true. Chris continued limping toward where he'd seen her last. He'd noticed a path branching off to the left on the way here. Maybe she took that by mistake. She did have a notoriously wretched sense of direction, and they hadn't exactly marked their passage.

As he moved, his mind wandered to the time he and Ash had gone to see Star Trek Into Darkness in IMAX. There wasn't an IMAX theater in their hometown, so they'd had to drive all the way to the city-- an hour away. Chris had just gotten off an overnight double and was utterly wiped, so he'd given Ash the keys to his car and let her drive. He'd figured that way he could catch some z's on the way up and actually be conscious for the movie. Big. Mistake. Next thing he'd known, Ashley's sheepish voice was waking him up saying, "We're here!" When he'd looked at the clock, he saw that they were four and a half hours late for the movie. They couldn't even catch a later showing! Turned out Ash had driven them to every single movie theater in the city-- during rush hour traffic, no less! --before she finally found the one their tickets were for. It wasn't a total loss; they were able to get a refund on their tickets, since they weren't torn or anything, and they tried again (successfully) the following week, thanks to Chris' superior mastery of navigation. Now that he thought of it… that had been the first time they'd really gone anywhere together without someone else tagging along. Purely coincidentally (he told himself), that was also when Chris first noticed how very, very frantically the butterflies fluttered their wings in his stomach whenever he was near her.

After that day, she was firmly forbidden from ever driving them anywhere again. From then on, her official job on road trips was to be the in-flight entertainment. This normally took the form of her reading one of her books aloud like a live-performance audiobook. It was a duty she solemnly accepted and performed with gusto; she even did voices for the different characters. The memory made soft laughter rise up out of him like a bubble, and, like a bubble, it abruptly vanished at the thought that he might never hear her silly voices again.

Oh, God, Ash. Please be okay. I could probably handle losing Emily and Jess… maybe even Josh. But not you.

Emily's face, pale and gray in the light of the monitors, mouth drawn open in a silent scream, dark blood oozing from the hole where her eye had been. The contents of her blown-out skull adorning the wall behind her head like a macabre rorschach. The image he'd been fighting to suppress since it happened hit him like a freight train. He doubled over and retched the nothing he'd had for dinner onto the cave floor. The sudden shift in balance irked his ankle and made him stagger against a rock, aggravating the tender spot in his ribs and jarring his aching jaw. He groaned. As he pushed himself away from the wall, he wiped at a tickle under his nose, and his hand came away bloody. Great. His nose was bleeding again.

Shit, he was a mess.

At least his nose wasn't broken. Or… he didn't think it was broken. His jaw, like the proverbial fat lady, sorta dominated the chorus of facial maladies, and he'd had other things on his mind when he'd rammed his face full-speed into that damned tree. Like, for instance, not getting eviscerated by the wendigo hot on his heels. You know… something that could be happening to Ash right now?

Come on, Ash, where are you? Please be okay.

Ignoring the pain in his ankle, he picked up his pace. It wasn't long before he came upon the drop he'd completely forgotten about. Only, going this direction, it wasn't a drop. It was a climb. A string of curses and obscenities ran circles around his brain. The ledge wasn't low, coming up just above his shoulders. Even his attempts to gently lower himself when coming the other way had yielded a sharp pain in his ankle on landing. How the ever-loving fuck was he supposed to get back up? "Dammit, Sam…" he muttered. "Remind me why you left the gimp to navigate these tunnels alone?" Of course, she’d been just as oblivious to Ash’s absence as he was, but that was beside the point.

Why had they even come here? Something about Mike and the sanatorium and the wendigo and needing to warn him about something and hell if he knew. He hadn't read the journal that had Ash and Sam up in a tizzy. Nobody thought to volunteer to him any information they'd found out, and frankly… he'd been too relieved at the prospect of getting away from Emily's body to ask questions. Now he regretted not asking. The decision to leave the safe room might have gotten Ash killed, and he needed to know it was for a worthy cause. At this point, though, even if it was for a worthy cause, if it was down to a choice between Mike's life and Ash's… well… was that even really a choice? Especially since Mike just…

A deafening bang, reinforcing the ringing in his ear. Ghostly face, mouth stretched open in a scream cut short. Dark blood trickling down from the blackness of her eye socket.

"Oh, God…" Chris stumbled against the wall blocking his way, using it for support as his lungs tried to explode out of his aching chest. His body rocked back and forth; the arm holding the flashlight hugged his ribs in place, while his free hand clapped over his mouth to hold back his sobs. The burns near his mouth shouted their protest, and he stifled a moan.

Oh, God, how had this night gotten so fucked? This was supposed to be a good night! A night of remembrance and catharsis. A night of reconciliation and rekindling estranged friendships. A psycho? He could handle that. It was horrible, but he at least understood a psycho. But curses? Monsters?? How do you fight something like that? How do you escape something that moves that fast? How do you protect someone from a fear so pervasive that it makes them murder their own friends?

Oh, shut up with that 'they' and 'them' bullshit. You helped, Christopher. By sitting there and stoking that fear, you might as well have pulled the trigger yourself.

No, no, no. He hadn't wanted Emily to die!

You should have done something, then. Should have helped Sam calm them down. Should have disarmed Mike. You could have forced him to stop. Overpowered him. Something! You call yourself a man, but you just sat there like a pussy and let it happen. Just like with the stranger!

His head was swimming, and his ribs were on fire. Somewhere along the way, he'd sunken down to his knees, still rocking. He was hyperventilating.

Let's face it, Chris. You didn't do anything, because you didn't want to do anything. You were just as afraid as Mike and Ash, and just as willing to sacrifice Emily to save your own ass.

"I didn't think he was going to shoot her." The words were rapid, small, and gasping, barely audible. Mike hadn't shot Josh. He’d bitched at Chris for even thinking he would. So why would he shoot Emily? It was a bluff. Had to be. Just to scare her out of the room. Chris wasn't about to ruin Mike's bluff again.

Her small legs falling from the desk, limp and lifeless, making her whole body jerk when they stopped short of the floor. Her head settling on the wall beneath the Jackson Pollock pattern of her blood and brains was the last movement she'd ever make. Chris squeezed his eyes shut, but the image persisted.

How is that even better? You didn't think Mike would shoot her? But you were perfectly content to let him sacrifice her to that thing out there. You've seen what it does. You, more than anyone else here, know that compared to that? The bullet was a mercy. You didn't care if or how she died. You just didn't want to see it happen, you selfish asshole. You killed her, and you killed her for no damn reason.

"We didn't know, we didn't know, we didn't know…" His hands and face were tingling. Shit, he was about to pass out. Now was not the time for this; he had to find Ash. He forced himself to take a deep breath in. The pain in his side kept him from holding it as long as he'd have liked, and it all came out in a pitiful sigh. But his head felt clearer, at least. He repeated this exercise until his thoughts stopped spiraling, sliding his free hand up under his glasses to wipe away the tears blurring his eyes.

Now wasn't the time for self-recrimination or excuses. Ash was in here somewhere. The wendigo might have her. He keeps you alive and aware and feasts on your organs, one piece at a time. He couldn't let that happen to her. Melting down in a cave wasn't going to help anyone, and Chris refused to have another death on his conscience because he was too wrapped up in himself to lift a finger to stop it. Especially not Ashley’s.

He sighed, pushing himself back onto his good leg and regarded the ledge. How the hell was he supposed to climb this? Even at the best of times, he was a pathetic climber. He'd damn near broken his neck trying to clamber over the wall by the broken gate at the bottom of the mountain. And now? With a bum ankle, a jacked up face, probably a concussion, and whatever the hell was going on with his ribs? He groaned, grabbing the ledge and hoisting himself up until the edge was under his armpits. His legs scrabbled uselessly for purchase on the sheer rock. His ribs protested strenuously. He was just about to lose his grip when his right foot found an outcropping and pushed off hard enough to get his left leg over the edge. But the momentary victory was promptly shat upon by the blinding agony in his ankle.

"Aggghh!" he hissed "Ow ow ow ow ow ow owwwww!!" Each syllable gave him strength as he pulled himself up the rest of the way and rolled over onto his good side. He curled into a ball of misery and grabbed his throbbing leg. "Shitshitshitshitfuckingshiiiiiiit!"

When the pain died back down to a dull throb, he slowly pulled himself up to his feet. It was more miserable than ever to put weight on his ankle, but it still held him, so he hobbled onward. Had to be getting close to the branch-off now.

He felt, more than saw, the side tunnel open up to his right. The air was suddenly less close, and through the passage, the wind sang a soft and haunting song. Dripping water served as percussion. It vaguely harmonized with the ringing in his ear. He flicked his flashlight over to the opening.

"Ash?" His own voice startled him, deafeningly loud against the cavern's subtle symphony. What if the wendigo could hear? What if he was just broadcasting his presence?

C'mon, dude. Pull yourself together. Your nerves are fried.

He thought maybe he heard something further down the side passage, but he wasn't sure what. It was hard to tell over the persistent ringing in his ear, but… it could have been Ash. Then again, didn't the stranger also say the wendigo could mimic human voices? If that was the wendigo, then Ash could already be dead, and he'd be walking to his own demise. Even if the thing hadn't gotten around to killing her yet, a rescue attempt would almost certainly end in his death. He wasn't even armed.

But if it wasn't the wendigo… if Ash had fallen somewhere and couldn't get back up or something. If she was hurt, if she was calling for help... could he forgive himself for not checking?

Gingerly, he opened his mouth and felt the swollen skin from his cheek to his adam's apple pull tight in protest. The right hinge of his jaw popped enthusiastically. That was new.

Ah, what the hell. He'd already sacrificed himself for Ash once tonight. Why not do it again? Maybe this time it'd actually matter.

His free hand hovered over his jaw, afraid to actually touch it, lest it reawaken the fire in his skin. Bright flash, deafening bang, a ringing that drowned out Ashley begging him to shoot her instead. Shockwave smashing into his jaw and knocking his head back hard enough to give him whiplash. Burning agony in his face making him want to scream. But he wasn't dead. How was he not dead?

He shook off the memory, "I- I'm coming, Ash. Hold on. I'm coming." And he limped forward.

The entrance to the side passage wasn't level with the main passage, and Chris almost tripped over it. Which, he discovered, would have been very bad. There was a pretty sizable drop on the other side. He climbed onto the berm, hanging his legs off the far side, and just stared at the drop with his flashlight. You gotta be freaking kidding me.

This was even higher than the drop in the main passage, and that one had hurt badly enough. Even if he didn't straight-up break his ankle, he didn't know if he'd be able to climb back out of this on his own. But, short of Ash noping back to the lodge without telling anyone, which seemed unlikely, there was no other direction she could have gone. He should have just waited for her to close the grate. Dammit, he was such a moron. She was only lost because, after she’d refused to leave him behind, he’d gone right ahead and done it to her. There was no way he was going to abandon her again.

That settled it. He took a deep breath and slid his butt off the berm. His stomach had an out-of-body experience for a second of freefall. His landing was rough and graceless, but he managed to keep his feet by reeling into a wall. There was a loud, painful pop from his ankle that he badly hoped was just his joint settling. His jaw snapped shut at the impact and its muscles seized up painfully, cutting his cry of pain into a muffled groan. His hand came up instinctively to massage the tension out of his fucked up jaw only to aggravate the burns. He hummed miserably through his nose. Damn it all. Josh, more than any one of them, should have known how dangerous blanks were at point-blank range. Chris wanted to believe that Josh, his best friend, hadn't meant for him to damn near blow his face off for a prank. But he also had a hard time reconciling that with all the rest of the batshit crazy bullshit Josh had pulled on him tonight. That and the fact that Josh seemed neither surprised nor particularly concerned by how badly Chris had been hurt by the muzzle flash. What chilled him to the bone was the very real possibility that Josh knew exactly what he was doing when he gave Chris a gun loaded with blanks and encouraged him to put it up to his own head and pull the trigger. He was damn lucky he'd decided to aim it under his jaw instead of at his temple. The latter probably would have killed him.

Had Josh wanted that? Did he really hate Chris that much? God knows Chris had blamed himself plenty enough for his part--or lack thereof-- in Hannah and Beth's disappearance. If he hadn't had so much to drink, he might have been able to stop things before they got out of hand. Or at least he could have been the one to go after Hannah, instead of Beth. But no. He'd been too shitfaced to be of use to anyone. Classic Chris maneuver. Always present when things went tits up, but his presence was never beneficial. He'd had to find out what happened second-hand, despite being there. If Chris was being honest with himself, he deserved a good, healthy, superheated blast of explosive decompression to the face.

But if Josh felt that way, too, how had Chris gone a whole year without noticing? He wasn't completely blind. He'd known things weren't good with Josh, but he had no idea they were anywhere near homicidal levels of bad. Was he really so self-absorbed that he couldn't see how deeply his best friend was hurting? Had he been so busy pining after Ashley that he'd completely missed how much Josh hated him?

That would make sense, wouldn't it? Just a couple hours ago, he'd literally sacrificed Josh to save Ash. Flipped a switch, knowing full-well that it would send a whirling blade of doom over to cut his best friend in half. It didn't matter that it wasn't real. He hadn't known that at the time, and Josh knew he didn’t know. And now Josh knew that Chris was perfectly willing to kill him for a girl. What an awful truth to discover about someone you thought cared about you. Chris knew he'd be upset if their positions were reversed. So perhaps this was his punishment for prioritizing Ash above everything else. After all, nobody would have been hurt if he'd chosen to shoot Ash, right? She'd been across the table from him; too far away to be affected by a blank. But no…no... the thought of shooting her… it was unthinkable. It made his stomach tie up in knots. Even now, knowing the gun had been filled with blanks, he'd still rather shoot himself.

The pain in his jaw subsided as the muscles slowly relaxed. He pushed himself off the wall and limped through the tunnel, hoping there weren't any more branch-offs to complicate things.

All right, jackass. You're down in a hole, playing hero to impress a girl who may or may not still be alive, armed with a flashlight and bad puns. You haven't even touched the wendigo yet, and you're already beat to hell. Like a dipstick, you left the shotgun back in the lodge. What, exactly, is your plan?

Find Ash? Not die? That was pretty much the extent of it.

That's not much of a plan.

Much as he hated his little Voice of Better Judgment and loved few things more than ignoring it, he had to admit it had a point. He'd be no help to Ash dead.

The earth shook. Like, legitimately shook, making him stumble. A deep rumble resonated into his very soul. Rocks big and small were shaken loose from the cavern's ceiling, pelting the ground all around him. One of the bigger ones nailed him in the shoulder. The blow, only slightly softened by the padding of his coat, drove him to one knee.

"Shit!" he cried, raising his other arm up to shield his head. When the patter of falling pebbles tapered off, and it seemed the cave wasn't planning to collapse on him after all, he lowered his arm and tilted the flashlight beam up toward the ceiling. "What the hell was that?" But the stalactites above him had no answer. They just dripped menacingly, promising that, next time, one of them would fall on him and leave him with more than just a bruise. He narrowed his eyes suspiciously. "Don't even think about it. I've got my eye on you. All of you."

One of the stalactites dripped directly onto his glasses. "Aw, c'mon. Really?" He dropped his head and snatched his glasses from his face, unzipping his sweater to go to town on the soiled lens with his t-shirt. "Whyyy?" Chris did the best job he could cleaning them, but his shirt was drenched in sweat, and the water was… not clean. That lens was thoroughly smudged now. Wiping it might have actually made the situation worse. Squinting through that nonsense was gonna give him a headache in about three seconds. He put his glasses back on and glowered at the ceiling with one eye. "Not cool."

Defiantly, the stalactite dripped at him again, but this time he dodged it and got back to his feet, grimacing as he put weight on his right leg. "Onward and upward," he muttered and continued deeper into the tunnel.

The tunnel wound and twisted. The floor was uneven and threatened to turn his ankle with every step. The walls and ceiling closed in around him, making him want to duck his head, to avoid the jagged rocks above. The path was so dark and claustrophobic, the beam of his flashlight seemed barely capable of cutting through it. Why would Ash ever come this way?

"Ash?" He paused to listen for any response, but the tinnitus was just too damn loud. He reached up to vigorously rub and bat at his ear, hoping to clear the stupid out of it, but, stubbornly, the ringing persisted. Who knew discharging a gun right next to your head could fuck up your hearing so bad?

He sighed. Well… you knew that. That's why you always wear hearing protection at the range. But, like an idiot, you still did it. In fairness, though, he hadn't exactly been expecting to survive the gunshot. His hearing had been pretty low on his list of considerations. Now though? He was kinda starting to think maybe Van Gogh wasn't quite so crazy for cutting off his own ear.

The passage turned sharply to the right and opened up again into a room held up by mining beams. Moonlight filtered in through the cracks of a boarded up shaft, casting god-rays on a table beneath. In front of the table was a trap door, and in front of that…

"Oh no..." Chris blinked, not wanting to be sure of what he was seeing. Maybe it was just a trick of the light passing through his filthy glasses. He closed one eye, cutting off the interference from the lens smudged in cave crap, but that didn't help much. He'd have to get closer.

But he really didn't want to get closer. Because that thing on the floor looked a lot like Ashley's beanie. And it was in a massive puddle of blood. If he moved closer, the comforting arms of doubt would vanish from around him. And he couldn't bear the thought of knowing something had happened to her. But what was the point? He already knew, didn't he?

"Oh my God, no..." his legs buckled, and he staggered forward to keep upright, dropping to his knees in front of the offending object, only faintly aware of the blood soaking through his jeans. There could no longer be any doubt. That was Ash's beanie, and it was covered in blood. The wendigo had gotten to her. Chris had seen what it does, how fast it works. He could see all the blood. So much blood. Surely nobody could survive that much blood loss.

Ash. His Ash… with her long-suffering indulgence of his sense of humor, her big doe eyes, her adorable button nose, and the soft, warm lips he'd only just gotten to touch with his own…was....

The last beam supporting the mental dam that had been holding back his steadily mounting despair finally cracked. His grief came pouring out of his mouth in a flood of tears and sobs, unmindful of the danger he, himself, must be in. "Oh my God, Ash. No. No!" He scooped her beanie into his free hand, feeling the soft wool slither over his fingers, leaving in its wake streaks of blood. Fresh blood. His hands felt like they were a million miles away, as he rubbed the blood-- Ash's blood-- between his fingers. The room around him wobbled and swayed; everything was surreal. It felt exactly like a nightmare. Yes. This was a nightmare. It had to be. But if so, why couldn't he wake up??

"I can't stand it…" he whimpered, his voice cracking. "None of this can be happening. This can't be real! Please tell me it's not real!" He lifted the beanie to his face, imploring it to respond. Begging Ashley to appear from around the corner or out of the trap door and tell him it was just a joke. A prank. A nightmare. That she was okay. But she didn't. The beanie reeked of iron, not corn syrup. Tears poured down his cheeks as he lowered the beanie and tucked it into his pocket. "No… no… no…" His eyes dropped to the cavern floor, looking for something-- anything-- to latch on to. Any sign that it wasn't hopeless. All he saw was a trail of blood connecting the puddle to the trap door, where it ended. If there was any chance whatsoever of finding her, it'd be down there.

Numbly, he got back to his feet and shuffled over to the trap door. There was the gnawing sensation that he was just throwing his life away, but he couldn't be bothered to care anymore. If she'd died because he left her behind, then maybe he didn't deserve to survive the night. He bent down stiffly and opened the trap door. There were more support beams down there, some ancient, leaky hazmat drums, and pipes leading into darkness. The air was rank with the smell of must and whatever was coming out of those barrels. More blood pooled at the base of the ladder. Shit, there was so much of it. It trailed off in the direction the pipes were running.

Setting the trapdoor down clumsily against the legs of the table, Chris started down the ladder. But after all the climbing, jumping, and… even just walking, his ankle picked that exact moment to decide it'd had enough. The first moment he put all his weight on it, it crumpled, and his foot slipped off of the rung. His hands, hampered by the flashlight, lost their grip on the ladder, and down he went, landing hard on his back. The air whooshed out of his lungs, and no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't get his chest to expand and let new air in.

God, this is how I die? By falling off a ladder that's like two inches high? After everything else, this is how it ends? For f-- Then his diaphragm started functioning again. His endless, involuntary groan stopped, and he took a huge, shaky breath. Nope. Not dying. His ribs hurt like a mother-- more than they already had-- but nothing in there seemed to be moving in an unnatural way, so he supposed he must be all right. Just knocked the wind out of himself. Slowly, he rolled over and fumbled for the flashlight that had flown out of his grasp during the fall. Once he found that, he rose unsteadily to his feet, his ankle grumbling like Yosemite Sam.

With one hand, he rubbed at his leg conciliatorily; with the other, he cast the beam of the flashlight down to the pool of blood at the base of the ladder. Its structural integrity had been obliterated when he landed in it, but it was easy enough to follow the trail.

He didn't have to follow it far.

A few yards beyond the reach of the moonlight streaming through the trap door, his flashlight beam fell upon a big, red lump on the floor. Chris felt his stomach seize up into a tight ball and cram itself into his throat. For a long moment, he absolutely could not get his feet to move. When they did, they felt so heavy it was like moving through mud. Everything around the shape disappeared from his consciousness, and the closer he got, the more clear it became. Soon, it was impossible for him to deny the truth of what he was seeing. It was Ashley’s hoodie. But it was like those old crime scene photos from the Manson murders that Josh had shown him once. One of the victims was wearing a white nightgown so saturated in blood that the investigators initially thought it was red. Ash’s hoodie was the same way. You’d never know from looking at it now that it was gray. But there was something else wrong with it. It wasn't lying right on the cavern floor. It should be lying flat. Why wasn't it lying flat?

You know why, Christopher.

"No," he hissed viciously. "It's just her hoodie. If she was in it, I’d see her head sticking out. Maybe her hoodie came off while she was fighting."

But down beneath the waistband of her hoodie were her shorts, and coming out the bottom of those were her leggings and boots, and those were definitely not empty. And there’s no way all of that would come off in a fight. But there was still nothing coming out of the collar of her hoodie! Then his eyes drifted down to her sleeves. Poking delicately out the ends were small, pale, crimson-streaked fingers. Unmistakeable.

The ramifications of what he was seeing hit him like a ton of bricks. The stranger. Alive one second. Gone the next. His head toppling from his shoulders and thudding heavily to the snow. But it had Ashley's face when it landed. "Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God." He wanted to deny it. He needed to deny it, but no matter how hard his mind whirled for anything to latch onto, there was nothing but the truth.

Where was her head?? Letting out a horrible yell, he dropped his flashlight, fell to her side and found her hand, but there was no head to cradle. No eyes to look into. No hair to stroke. No cheek to caress. And her lips… the memory of her kiss haunted him, a ghost of warmth on his icy lips. The sensation was so intoxicating, and now he would never experience it again. He had no way to feel close to her but to take her blood-streaked hand and sandwich it between his own.

Noise was coming out of him, maybe he was saying something, but hell if he knew what it was. He didn't even know if there were words, or if it was just a mindless outpouring of pure anguish. His vision swam as it locked in on the perfectly manicured fingers of the hand he held, took in the blood caked in the cuticles and under her nails. Was it hers or the pig's blood Josh had used to fake his death? Did it matter? Did anything matter? Then he couldn't see anything but vague blobs. His vision was obscured behind a flood of grief, and even blinking couldn't clear his eyes. So he closed them and doubled over into a hopeless, rocking ball. Unaware he was doing it, he pressed the back of her hand to his mouth, sobbing into it, washing away the blood with his tears. Her hand was still warm. Still warm! Maybe if he'd realized she was gone sooner… if he hadn't wasted so much time being an emotional wreck… if he hadn’t been an idiot and hurt his ankle in the first place… he might have been here in time to help… to do something…

To take her place.

Yes. That, more than anything else, was what he wanted right now. He wanted to die knowing that she'd be all right because of it. But he'd never get to do that, because… because... Ashley was--

His mind recoiled violently from the word. He just couldn't accept it. This was clearly someone else's body. Someone wearing her clothes. One of Josh's horribly realistic dummies, maybe, with the head ripped off. He desperately wanted to cling to that idea. It felt warm and comfortable. But deep down he knew better. The smell of her hand, like peaches and vanilla mixed with old books. The soft warmth of her skin against his cold cheek. They were as familiar to him as the weight of his glasses on his nose-- impossible to mistake for anything else. For anyone else. There was no escaping the reality. This was Ashley’s body. Ashley was dead. Her words echoed back to him.

It's just not fair!

His face stretched in a rictus of grief as he lowered his head to her chest, using it to muffle his sobs.

It's too late, Chris. What's the point?

Her chest was silent and still. No heartbeat to be heard. No whooshing of air through her lungs. No rise and fall of her breast. Each observation came like the fall of a hammer on a nail being driven through his heart.

We've wasted everything.

"Oh, God, Ash. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry." His voice was too high and broken, muffled by the fabric of her hoodie and coming out in quick, wavering gasps amidst the rapid heaving of his chest. "It should have been me. It should have been me. I should have saved you. I'm so sorry." His head was swimming. His face was heavy and tingling, and his lips were numb. His hands, still clasping hers, felt a million miles away. Chris was vaguely aware that he was hyperventilating again, but there was no stopping it this time; he didn’t want to stop it. He just didn't care anymore. If he died down here, what difference did it make? He’d failed in the one thing that mattered most to him; there was no living with that. Spots bloomed across his vision, even though his eyes were closed. Vaguely, he heard the sound of something clamoring in the room up above. He sat up, opened his eyes, and still couldn't see through the swarm of darkness blooming across his vision. At the movement, he felt the blood drain out of his face. Suddenly, his head lolled heavily forward, his shoulders went limp, and he slumped over Ash's body in a dead faint.

#until dawn #chris hartley #fanfiction #elliepollie #wacem scribbles

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makeste · 6 years ago

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BnHA Chapter 218: Purse Pilferage and Mouse Murder

Previously on BnHA: Kacchan and Deku sparred in an attempt to draw out Deku’s mysterious new power once again, but to no avail. In a brief flashback, the OFA Scooby Squad (now including Bakugou!) discussed Deku’s recent visions and his multiple quirks. Kacchan pointed out that it was very similar to All for One’s power, which seems to be weighing on Deku’s mind some. That evening at the fanfic dorms, Shouto approached Deku asking if he had been hiding a second quirk. Deku assured him that the new quirk surprised him as much as everyone else, and fibbed that it was probably derived from his original quirk. Meanwhile the U.A. faculty accepted Shinsou into the hero course, and Aizawa acted all weird and cagey about someone from his past named “Shirakumo.” Later, Monoma met with Aizawa, Mirio, Deku, and Eri at the teachers’ dorms and unsuccessfully attempted to copy Eri’s quirk. Eri apologized for being so troublesome, and the others assured her that she wasn’t and Deku told her that even seemingly dangerous quirks can be used for good. It wasn’t lost on him that this applied to his own powers as well, and he resolved to keep working to master OFA.

Today on BnHA: Early one December morn, the kids of 1-A gather in their common room to watch some TV while they wait to hear if Bakugou and Todoroki passed their provisional license retest. The news is reporting on a company called Detnerat which has recently entered the hero equipment business. Their CEO is some Joker-looking dude who’s apparently a big fan of AFO’s old nemesis Destro of Meta Liberation Army fame. Destro’s book has recently been republished and is making the discussion rounds. DetCEO discusses it with his cute lil mouse subordinate Miyashita, but Miyashita isn’t really a fan. This proves unfortunate for Miyashita, as DetCEO is all “that’s too bad, guess I’m just gonna have to snap your neck then.” Like, for real though. Anyway so then DetCEO heads to a secret meeting of like-minded individuals who are apparently Destro’s descendants and are seeking to make his goals a reality. We then segue to a group of purse-snatchers led by someone who I really thought was Shirakumo for a hot minute, ngl. He’s not, though. Anyway so they’re wreaking some havoc and stealing people’s shit -- that is, until two good boys who just earned their provisional licenses after three months of hard work show up to spoil their fun.

(As always, all comments not marked with an ETA are my mostly-unspoiled reactions from my first readthrough of this chapter. I’m caught up with the manga now at chapter 225, so any ETAs will reflect that.)

HOLY SHIT

BABY WE GOT OURSELVES SOME MOTHERFUCKING SNOW IN THE FANFIC DORMS!!!

holy shit. and it’s the weekend! ARE WE GONNA HAVE SOME ANTICSSSS YES PLEASE I REALLY NEED THIS SO BAD RIGHT NOW YOU HAVE NO IDEA

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

KIRISHIMA WHY ARE YOU TAKING YOUR CLOTHES OFF

I hope they get a ton! I WANT SNOWBALL FIGHTS AND SNOW FORTS AND TODOROKI TO LET IT GOOOOOO LET IT GOOOOOOO

ahh but apparently he and Bakugou are away right now

wow they even got that class on Sundays now, huh

also, who did Sero borrow the tankoubon from? because more likely than not it was Bakugou since I can’t even picture Shouto reading manga (unless he borrowed some volumes from Deku, maybe). so that means Bakugou is (a) a big ol’ manga-reading nerd who brought his manga to school with him, and (b) sharing with friends. both of which make me so, so happy

(ETA: Viz translated this as “I want to borrow the next volume of this manga from Todoroki,” but as far as I can tell, in the RAW version he doesn’t specify who he borrowed it from. I think Caleb Cook just doesn’t think Bakugou is capable of sharing. give him some credit, Caleb Cook.)

Deku says they should be back around six, and Iida says it’s apparently the last day of their provisional class!

OHMYGOSH. hold up. so that means that their re-test is in like a week, no? holy shit. oh my god I’m so hypppppped ahhhhhh

SDLFKHASLDFKJLK HOLY SHIT

IT’S TODAY!?!??

YOU CAN DO IT KIDS I BELIEVE IN YOU. YOU GOT THIS

KACCHAN ARE YOU READY TO OFFICIALLY BECOME KACCHAN THE HERO

(ETA: maybe we’ll actually get Kacchan’s hero name before I grow old. maybe.)

SDFKASLDHK AND LOOK AT THIS SETUP!? AHHHHHH PLEASE DON’T CUT AWAY FROM THIS. OH MY GOD

but snow antics though. oh my god I’m so torn lsdkjlk

anyways of fucking course we cut away, and I don’t really mind because I love cozy 1-A snow day dorm antics also. plus everyone is gossiping about Todo and Baku, and Satou is baking a cake like the Princess Peach he is

Kami is playfully lamenting the fact that he’s about to lose the one leg-up he had on those two, and flipping on the news

oh shit are we gonna get some Plot

I guess so. what is this

Detnerat?? is that a portmanteau of something? an acronym? or another Star Wars reference I failed to pick up on??

(ETA: yeah so it’s the word “talented” spelled backwards. except with an r instead of an l.)

so the news is showing some people with mutant quirks, including a four-armed lady, a jello child, and a walrus with a bowler hat

and the narration is talking about how people like this used to be a minority but now “their era arrived”

interesting. I guess there’s pretty much no such thing as “one size fits all” anymore these days huh. so does that mean there’s been a shift back to custom-made tailored items?

this pointy nose guy is extremely theatrical

calm down buddy

so he says his company has come all this way while building products that meet the needs of each of their customers individually

this is cool and all but I’m trying to figure out why this new arc is opening with an infomercial

I’m expecting things all right, but I think it’s a little too early to say if they’ll be great

and now we’re cutting to this guy’s office, where his employee is concluding his presentation. apparently he was showing his boss the finished commercial

and now they’re discussing the thus-far lukewarm reception to their recent announcement

(ETA: holy shit. famous last words. fuckin’ jinxed it Miyashita.)

are you guys... good guys? bad guys? how is this related to the plot?? a new arc all about stock holdings and market shares. Iida did you write this arc

so pointy nose says that they’ve been doing this on a much larger scale for a long time already, so he’s confident they’ll be successful

oh shit

it only just occurred to me that he used the word “superpowers” instead of quirks

AND LOOK AT THIS SHIT

IT’S THAT BOOK. THE ONE THAT WAS PROBABLY WRITTEN BY DESTRO OMG

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

IT WAS DESTRO. CALLED IT WOOP WOOP

Mishiwhatsa says he read the book too but “it’s a load of crap if you ask me”

he says that what the army was doing was nothing but terrorism at the expense of innocent people, and yet Destro “had the gall” to act like he was in the right

hot damn this guy really was Magneto. are we going full-on X-Men in this arc. I want the works. I want fucking sentinels and everything oh god please

oh shit I’m starting to worry about ol’ Mishi here

MIYASHITA, RUN

OH SHIT

IS HE GOING TO SNAP HIS FUCKING NECK!?? HOLY SHIT!??

holy fucking shitballs oh christ

this dude is straight up murdering his best employee, Nezu’s cousin, all because he didn’t agree with his favorite book!?

...

holy shit

fuck. I’m speechless

okay. okay shit. well. uh. Detnerat, huh

you have my attention, plot

hooooooooooly shit

holy shit holy shit holy shit

okay. calm down, self. let’s jot down some thoughts real quick

okay so one, that one shot of that guy with his hand on his hat has a decided Ian McKellen vibe to it. I’m telling you guys. X-Men references all over the damn place in this arc

two, the word “supremacy” was used. meaning this wasn’t just a “quirk rights” group, this was a quirk supremacist group. or is a quirk supremacist group, I should say. these people believe themselves to be the future of humankind. they don’t want liberation, they want control. and assuming we continue to follow the X-Men parallels here, they also believe themselves to be superior to those without superpowers and they’re looking to assert their authority over them

they clearly believe the current laws restricting the usage of quirks are a form of oppression and persecution and are looking to eradicate them

this seems like exactly the type of philosophy the League of Villains would be eager to spread, and I wouldn’t be surprised if another team-up is in the works here

lastly, if these guys are now in the business of making hero equipment, whoever buys from them had better be really careful, as I can easily see some sort of Iron Man 2 plotline going down in which there’s a secret command built into the coding of the new equipment which will sabotage its users once activated. or if you’d rather think of it in Star Wars terms rather than MCU, call it an “order 66” ploy

(ETA: well I partly called this one. still up in the air honestly, who knows.)

also: friendly reminder that Bakugou’s gauntlets were recently destroyed and he’s gonna be needing new ones! (:

so having said all that, let’s see how this pans out!

and right away, the prediction about them teaming up with the League is panning out. waste no time, huh

so Hooknose is telling him to do so at once

oh shit hold up

WELL I SURE GOT THAT BACKWARDS NOW DIDN’T I

lol oh shit. I totally forgot that AFO was the one who bombed the Army’s HQ all those decades and possibly centuries ago. I can’t believe these guys still remember that and know how AFO was connected to boot

also, is there a Rorschach thing going on here? I wonder if it’s a reference to the psychologist or to the comic book character from Watchmen. I’m betting the latter given the way they’re using the inkblots as masks, and also because this is a manga based on superhero comics after all

(ETA: yeah, Rorschach, Joker, and Magneto... drawing on a lot of classic villains and anti-heroes in this arc.)

ah so now we’re getting details on their new bid to enter the hero market

HOLD UP

WHAT THE FUCK THIS GUY LOOKS AWFULLY FUCKING FAMILIAR

IS THIS SHIRAKUMO??? AIZAWA WERE YOU NOT CONTENT WITH THE STRIKING SIMILARITY YOU ALREADY BORE TO KAKASHI? HAD TO GO AND ADD THE OLD FRIEND TURNED EVIL BACKSTORY TOO?? OR WHAT

given that this guy seems to have some sort of cloud-based power (look at what he’s riding! and now the people he just harassed and stole from are describing it as “carbonated water”), and kumo means “cloud”...

(ETA: nope, this is just good ol’ Soda Sam. Carbonation Carl.)

okay and now we’re cutting to a conversation between two as-yet-unknown parties that seem to be witnessing this robbery from a distance, and deciding whether or not to intervene

for a moment I entertained the idea that this might be Kacchan and Shouto with their hot-off-the-presses licenses, possibly talking to All Might? but none of this dialogue seems to have that Kacchan flair, and it also doesn’t make much sense for them to have attended the lesson accompanied by All Might and no one else. Aizawa’s been pretty good about making sure there’s always at least one other fighting pro accompanying them

so now this group of merry bandits is celebrating their new haul

OH SHITTTTTTT

ODDS OF THIS BEING BAKUGOU AND SHOUTO JUST SHOT WAAAAAAAAAY WAY UP OH MY GOD?!

OH MY GOD IT WAS EXACTLY WHAT I THOUGHT?!

I SHOULD STOP DOUBTING MYSELF AND HORIKOSHI’S PROPENSITY FOR GIVING ME EXACTLY WHAT I WANT ALL OF THE TIME

motherfucker. you just know Kacchan spent that entire cab ride with his nose pressed to the window trying to sense danger and keeping his fingers crossed something like this would happen

(ETA: him and Shouto both, since the dialogue suggests it was Shouto that spotted it first! so basically one of them stationed at each window with All Might sandwiched in between wondering if he’s even going to survive this trip. the answer is yes, All Might, but not without it becoming Eventful.)

also, 30 minutes or 30 seconds, it hardly matters All Might. you know these two spent the last three months anticipating this moment every single minute of every day. they’re gonna go do reckless hero shit, All Might. THEY’RE JUST GONNA

oh my godddddddd

TodoBaku fighting against Aizawa’s possible friend-turned-villain in the snowwwwww having JUST EARNED THE SHIT OUT OF THEIR NEW LICENSES HELL YEAHHHHHHHHH

and it appears Kacchan does have a gauntlet. goddammit. make that propensity for giving me almost exactly what I want, most of the time

anyways, I don’t really care! life is good. life is fucking amazing, fam

#bnha #boku no hero academia #bakugou katsuki #todoroki shouto #redestro #bnha spoilers #mha spoilers #makeste reads bnha #poor miyashita just kept on digging himself in deeper didn't he #'hey boss you sure are bald'#'and our business is very much not booming'#'oh hey what's that book you've got there'#'oh is that the one by destro?'#'lol I flippin' hate that guy'#'he's just the worst isn't he?'#'why no I don't have any friends or family or anyone who would miss me or notice my sudden disappearance in any capacity'#'why do you ask'#'boss?'#'...'

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munchflix · 6 years ago

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WATCHMEN - THE SUPER EXTENDED CUT

IMDB BLURB: In 1985 where former superheroes exist, the murder of a colleague sends active vigilante Rorschach into his own sprawling investigation, uncovering something that could completely change the course of history as we know it.

WARNINGS: Giant blue peen, large bepis. It's blue. Malin Ackerman can't act for shit. Attempted rape. Lots of murder. Some gore. Adult themes? Zack Snyder. Repulsive sex scene. It's not gross, it's just weird and uncomfortable. And unnecessarily long.

RATING: Who watches the Watchmen? Us...unfortunately.

OBLIGATORY DISCLAIMER: All reviews are done solely for humor and should not be taken seriously ever. If you cannot handle cursing, crude humor and probably some offensive things, pls do not read this. And please please don’t watch this fucking movie.

MUNCH: I want you to know, first thing, that I will never forgive you for making me watch this for a THIRD TIME. I first saw this in the theatre on my birthday and it was awful then. I spent three hours waiting for it to get better and it didn't and now you're making us watch the super extended version with 30 more minutes of shit I DON'T WANT TO SEE. I am old and I was a fan of the comic long before this detritus was filmed. I was actually excited for this shit. This movie, like a lot of the movies we review once a year, is bad. It's pretty, it's well filmed, it has a brilliant cast, and it sucks like a Dyson trying to fellate a rubber chicken.

BISCUITS: Okay...I'm gonna be upfront about this. We're gonna have to be here for each other during this review. We need to BELIEVE in ourselves, and to share our mental fortitude. That might be the only way we'll be strong enough to make it through. Even then, there's no guarantee we'll make it...but if we do, we'll emerge from the other side as changed women, now knowing the true power that the bond of friendship can hold. Or not. Actually, we'll probably just end up sad. But the point is, we need to be here for each other.

M: The Nixon makeup is so bad. All this budget and he looks like a half melted wax statue.

These are the Nixons, folks.

B: Jeffrey Dean Morgan in old age makeup? I'd still smash that. The DOOMSDAY CLOCK! That's a reference to the comic! Get it?! We're JUST like the comic!

M: That's part of what bugs me, there's so many moments just taken straight out of the comic and then the rest of it is just Zack Snyder mentally masturbating about how cool he is.

B: Let me tell you younguns - long before the days of Suicide Squad and Batman V. Superman, Zack Snyder created the first of many tragic mistakes in the saga of "DC and Warner Bros. Attempt to Movie". It was dark, overdramatic, and had little substance behind its superficially good visuals. But Warner Bros. were all like "OMG Zach, look at all this money. Can you fuck ALL our beloved properties like this???"

M: Nostaaaaaalgia.

B: Okay, Unforgettable - this song was in the comic, it was in the book. It was playing in a scene in the comic but it was when Dan and Laurie tried to have sex for the first time. I don't understand the rationale behind using a song from the comic but putting it in a completely different scene. Why did you make that change? I don't understand why you would do that.

M: Watchmen in a nutshell. JESUS CHRIST I forgot that the explosions come in about 30 times louder than everything else.

B: Why is the Comedian wearing a smiley face pin on his bathrobe? Because of the symbolism??? Nostalgia. This is from the coooooooooomic. This is the first instance of inappropriate soundtracking, which is alright the first time but gets annoying when you do it over and over.

M: I have no idea. Oh yeah..the movie. The Comedian is fighting a mysterious figure that we'll figure out who it is later. Unless you've read the comic. It's Veidt. Slow zoom on the pin with the blood spatter because it's SYMBOLISM. Also the Comedian got thrown out a window. There's also been half an hour of slow mo and we're only 5 minutes into the movie.

B: *burps loudly* Bob Dylan, because there was a reference to a Bob Dylan song in the comic. Slow shots of our great heroes, The Minutemen. Zacc Snyder, fuck you. These were the original super hero dudes who spawned the existence of all the other masked vigilantes in this universe.

M: Gerard Butler??? Who the fuck is Gerard Butler?? Hang on, I have to look this up. Oh...he's in the Tales of the Black Freighter, which is only in this super-long ultra-extended edition.

This gif makes it look like Gerard Butler is playing Sally Jupiter. This is not the case (unfortunately?).

B: Which we're watching because we hate ourselves. Historical landmarks to set up the time period. Also Silhouette was a lesbian. Dollar Bill got killed when his cape got stuck in a revolving door. NO CAPES! Mothman went nuts and got put in an asylum. The minutemen turned out fine. Also Silhouette is dead. And Gay.

M: Bury your gays. She was only alive for two minutes of credits.

B: To be fair, she didn’t really have a role in the book either. Also, Kennedy is killed. By the Comedian. Which I suppose was implied in the comic...very vaguely. This is way too much exposition. We can read about history, we don't need a recap of every single event since 1940. We aren't that dumb, Zakk. There's more politics in this intro than exposition but Watchmen was supposed to be political. I have big problems with Matthew Goode....goode? How is that pronounced? Look at all that BEEF tho. Arby’s, I got ya new commercial right here.

I’ll take the one on the far left with cheese, please.

M: Slow the fuck down, jesus. I can't type as fast as you thirst. I'm gonna make you type this if you don't slow down.

B: Glad I'm not wearing a retainer. You think Jeffrey Dean Morgan would pay for it? Also Night Owl's costume looks so shitty.

M: Seriously, slow down. I have issues with how contoured Manhattan is.

B: And then everything went bad for the vigilantes and they got banned. This is SO LOUD. Tell Zaque Snyder I get spooked easily. I don’t like loud noises, I’m like a wild animal.

M: Oh yeah so the Comedian is dead. Two detectives wonder how he died. So mysterious. It was Veidt. Don't blame me if you didn't read the comic, it's been out for 30 fucking years.

B: My other issue with this movie, it doesn't ADD anything to it's source material. If I wanted just Watchmen I'd just read the comic. I could read most or all of it in the time it takes to watch this movie. So...Rorschach is ranting.

M: That's all he really does in this movie tho is rant.

B: All the towns in the world and I had to end up in this one. The ballsack town. Comedian kept a picture of Sally by his bed but that's backwards...she kept a picture of HIM on her bedside.

M: Rorschach found Comedian's secret closet where he went to be gay. Or a superhero. Or both. So he knows he's the Comedian.

B: Well, one or two of them were gay...a bunch of guys who wear their underwear outside their pants and this is somehow surprising? More slow mo.

M: This movie could be an hour and half shorter without all the pointless slo mo. Hollis is being played by Stephen McHattie and I love him so much.

B: Patrick Wilson (you can tell it’s Patrick Wilson because he looks exactly like Patrick Wilson) is playing Night Owl and he is a very good boy. The best boy. Although he doesn't have much competition for goodest boy, most of the boys are pretty bad. Hollis Mason is played up to be more Drunk Grandpa than caring mentor figure. Raw footage of Rorschach looking like FUCKING BIGFOOT. Your local cryptid.

*X-Files theme plays*

M: That was 20 seconds of super important extra footage that we missed from the original 3 hour long movie. Okay so movie, right. Drieberg goes home to find his home has been broken into. It's Rorschach. Eating beans. HUMAN BEANS. With HUMAN BEAN JUICE. We saw you lumbering around like Bigfoot on the news. Rorschach's mask is cool tho. One point for you, Zackk Snyder.

B: Rorschach, because he's a tinfoil hat conspiracy theorist is like " I think someone's killing masks" even tho only one mask person has died so far. Patrick Wilson is a good actor but his performance in this movie is so blech. I dunno if that was the direction he was given or...

M: Part two of things wrong with Watchmen. Lots of good actors giving boring performances. I love many of these actors but they're so dull.

B: Except Malin Ackerman. It was an experimental time, Chad! All of our Bro Moments. Our BROMENTS.

M: WHY CAN'T I QUIT YOU, CHAD?!

B: Maybe Drieberg quit on account of the Keene act because it started being illegal to do the thing, but Rorschach didn't because he’s crazy. And he's doing more edgelord monologuing.

M: Holy crap the animation.

B: And now with NO CONTEXT we get launched into the Tales of the Black Freighter. It's an anime, apparently. (makes angry angry noises ) this makes me SO mad because the Black Freighter, though a story within a story, had an explanation for its presence. It's being read by someone within the bigger story. In the movie it almost looks like it was animated by Ralph Bakshi. Like the people who did Jojo's Bizarre Adventure and Ralph Bakshi had a bad trip together.

This is what I see, every night in my dreams.

M: I guess this is being narrated by Gerard Butler?? This is so out of place. It takes you completely out of the immersion of the movie to show you this movie. That was super jarring though.

B: The comic had a lot more leeway when it came to blending the stories together. Oh and now we get a shot of someone reading the comic to bring us back. Rorschach in the comic was described as being fascinatingly ugly. I think Jackie Earl Haley is too good looking.

M: And Veidt. I hate everything they did with this entire fucking character. I hate the way he looks, the way he talks, the way he acts, the way he Veidts. I fucking hate him so much. I hate what they did with his story and the whole Manhattan cancer thing. It's DUMB.

B: Why is Dan here? It was Rorschach who warned Adrian. And they're talking about nuclear war, very important to the crux of everything. This lighting is ugly. It makes Veidt look like a greasy boy.

M: He IS a greasy boy.

B: Meeting with Dreiberg left bad taste in mouth. Like cold beans.

M: Rorschach is expositioning everything we've already seen, dialogue straight out of the comic.

B: Rorschach breaks in to see Manhattan. Rorschach asks the real questions: Does Adrian Veidt is gay??

M: That is a HUGE ASS. Btw Manhattan is naked. He is super naked. You will never be allowed to forget that he is naked.

B: Malin Ackerman shows up...to “act”.... The mention temporal interference already, so you won't be surprised at the end of the movie. They really overemphasize Manhattan's eye things. He looks like a sad panda. I have issues with his CGI, he is really over contoured and he looks really...weird....Laurie...stop talking. PLease. Don't act, don't try to act.

Pictured: Sad Panda

M: Now he's taking Laurie on some fucking weird time trip that was supposed to happen three hours from now in the story. Manhattan is just sad in this movie. All his rage and his indifference are gone. He's just sad. He tells her the future and he's sad about it. And now, 99 Luftballoons so we don't forget it's the 80's.

B: This wasn't how this happened in the comic EITHER. Zacque Snyder and his love of throwing random songs into movies with no regard for how they might impact the mood.

M: So Lori is having dinner with Dreiberg just like Jon told her too. I'm giving up on spelling any names right as of right now.

B: They reminisce about their young days when they fought crime and dressed up like lunatics and all that stuff. Ah those days are behind us. We're in our 40's but in the movie we're like 25. Jon thinks there's gonna be nuclear war and also he can't fix my bad acting. They turned Laurie into such a sexy lamp in this movie. They strip everything away from her that made her interesting. I am laurie, I am GIRL. Who needs oxygen when you have another man's money.

You so. Fuckin. Precious. When you. Smile.

M: The Sound of Silence begins playing. We both laugh and denounce Zaeck Snyder and the horse he rode in on.

B: Should have been Take me to Church. I didn't realize how awful the soundtracking was in this movie the first time. They just throw in recognizable songs.

M: Comedian is getting buried. Rorschach is here and Manhattan and Dreiberg. And Simon and Garfunkle. It's not making this scene better. It's making it so much worse. Lori has been randomly teleported to her mothers with zero context. Her mother is Carla Gugino who deserves better than being in this fucking movie. They quote dialogue right from the comic. Did Zaquery Snyder write ANY dialogue for this movie? Her old age makeup is fucking awful and she is overacting this so hard.

B: And then we have the flashback to old days where the Comedian tries to rape her. The entire purpose of this flashback in one sentence. That's the plot point. From the comic. That we need to get into the movie somehow. I suppose they're going for show don't tell. At the moment i'm just focused on how it extends this torturous experience.

M: I have a lot of issues with this part. He beats her far more severely in the movie. They start the scene almost making it look like she did ask for it with all the slow undressing. It's so fucking unnecessary.

B: And then Hooded Justice comes in and this doesn't make sense in the movie when Comedian asks him if he gets off on this. But since they don't get into this in the movie...I think they're just trying to get us to go OH THE COMEDIAN IS A BAD GUY, HE'S SUCH A BAD GUY. We can get that. Why does everything in this movie take so long?

M: Everyone is having flashbacks to their time with Eddie. Manhattan is blowing up the entirety of the viet cong while the Comedian shoots people and Ride of the Valkyries is playing for no reason.

In awe at the size of this lad.

B: NEXT TIME YOU INVITE JON.

M: And then we get the Comedian is a horrible person but AGAIN because he's gonna shoot this woman he knocked up and Jon doesn't stop him. Jon is so fucking ripped that even fuzzed out in the background you can see every muscle.

B: They tell the story of how Eddie got his scar even though he doesn't...have it in the movie? Yeah I killed that woman I knocked up but you didn't stop me because you don't care and well...you're not wrong.

M: And now Veidt gets to have HIS flashback so we can be sure that the Comedian really was an asshole. The Comedian informs everyone that their plan is garb while Jon and Laurel Ann make goo goo eyes at each other which will become relevant an hour ago because they're obviously a couple NOW. He sets Ozymandias’ (Veidt's) map on fire to emphasize his point.

B: Ozymandias will remember that. Watchmen would make a great Telltale game. And Dan has his American Dream flashback where the Comedian is helping with crowd control and we don't care what's going on because the Comedian looks DAMN HOT. In slow mo.

M: Biscuit's thirst meter has increased tenfold.

B: What happened to the American Dream? You're looking at it. Just as beefy and greasy as I imagined it. He had a really nice arm vein going on in that scene. I have a gif of that for uh...research purposes. Very swole.

Pictured: The American Dream

M: I just realized that I don't really thirst after anyone in this movie. The comedian is hot because Jeffrey Dean Morgan but my thirst level is so low comparatively. The only main chick is Malin Ackerman and uh...no.

B: You're getting gayer the older you get.

M: I can't even deny that.

B: Moloch! He's a former supervillian of sorts and Rorschach is chasing him down because uh...I don't know. He just shows up and is like Hey fuck you buddy.

M: I still want an explanation for why Moloch alone has pointed ears. Nobody else in the entire movie has that kind of deformity.

B: And he's like The Comedian just showed up in my house! He was drunk and crying! We've all been there. We've all broken into our former nemesis's house drunk and crying. Maybe that's just me...

M: Except that's what really happened....

B: And the Comedian is like - I did some fucked up shit but this is worse! The shit this unnamed bad guy is doing worse! And he says that Moloch and Manhattan’s old girlfriend are on some mysterious list!

M: It's Veidt. Rorschach tries to nail Moloch for taking a medication made from apricot pits. Which are POISONOUS BTW, DO NOT EAT THEM. Rorschach spends fucking ten more minutes slow mo fucking monologuing about shit we already know and JUST SAW. There's so much extra shit in this movie that does not need to be here. He sounds like fucking Wolverine. Is that Hollis?

B: I can't even tell because this movie is SO DARK. We get a feeble attempt to connect newspaper man and the animated comic.

M: At least it's less jarring. Comic man drools excessively for no reason. They're even leaving bits of THIS story out and making it even weirder and more disparate than it needs to be. Fucking why.

The nightmares, they never stop.

M: Okay Jesus they went from that straight to Loorie and Jon trying to have sexxors and this is so wrong and out of place. And then Jon is six people.

B: god. jon. stop. what are u doing? I took a theatre class in high school and all those kids were better actors than Malin Ackerman. Which is bad because Laurie is an integral character in Watchmen. This happened way earlier and this is why she ran away to Dan in the comic, but it's fine. It's fine. Whatever. I don't care. She gets mad but not really because acting.

M: Jon underacts but that's his entire thing. This is so disjointed. Jon is teleporting reactors to Karnak while they argue. This will be relevant later.

B: Three bepis, no FOUR! Too much bepis for my needs. Or not enough...

M: Jesus Christ.

B: And NOW laurie shows up at dan's place. We needed to drag this out because we were REALLY stretching to get this movie to feature length, y’know?? We were really scraping at the bottom of the Watchmen barrel for content. There's just not enough material to get a good long juicy film out of it.

M: Can we just skip this whole part? I'll summarize. Laurie and Dan spend half an hour whining at each other because Laurie and Jon had a fight and they kinda wanna bang but that will take three hours to get to as well for no good goddamn reason. Meanwhile Jon is putting on a suit to do a tv interview.

B: There's a lot of scenes of Dan and Laurie but there's no chemistry at all between them and there's no buildup to their actual relationship. Even Dan is so nothing in this movie and I liked him. And there's an article from the comic because this is JUST LIKE THE COMIC.

M: Why are they...oh they're going to Hollis...but this isn't how it happened. They literally make this longer for no reason.

B: I know it would be really hard to cut anything from Watchmen, because pretty much everything is significant - there's no material that can really be removed that wouldn’t be missed in the final product. BUUUT they just added a whole ton of meaningless shit to this damn movie! At the expense of scenes we actually wanted! Dr Manhattan has his tv interview. This is not gonna go well. Everyone is like wtf are you talking about Jon. Dan and Lori beat up a bunch of thugs because uh...they're living for thrills?

M: Some reporter dude stands up and starts shit with Manhattan. He accuses him of giving everyone cancer. I'm sorry I caused all that cancer. You'd think Jon would KNOW whether or not he caused cancer...he was a fucking physicist.

B: Jon doesn't know whether or not he's radioactive. Spoiler alert: he ain't. He's just had his intrinsic fields removed - really simple procedure, like taking out the appendix.

M: *cronches pizza rolls*

B: A lot less screen time for Janey Slater in the movie, too. She's like "PRETTY PATTIES TURNED MY FACE PURPLE!!!" and then Doc Manhattan teleports everyone out of the studio because he's very emotional rn. That makes...one person in this movie with intense emotions.

M: You're right there...nobody in this movie really shows much in the way of emotion. Everyone's just sorta like "well, the world's going to shit - huh." I REALLY don't like the way they incorporated Tales of the Black Freighter into this movie.

B: Idec what's happening in this stupid anime. Man wants to get home before the freighter. Builds raft out of bloated corpses. Freaky eyes. It's supposed to parallel various elements of the 'real world' storylines but it's so jarring that drawing those connections becomes nigh on impossible. In the comic, panels from TotBF were often right alongside panels from the main story, but you couldn't really do something like that in a movie. They also still don't really do anything with the newspaper corner bits.

M: Did they actually show Dr. Manhattan leaving Earth?

B: No. Not yet.

M: So they just throw us into this scenario?

B: Yep. Dr. Manhattan got ANGERY and was like "y'know what? I'm going to Mars to deliver some exposition!! Way later than this happened in the comic, but who gives a flying fuck??" And we sorta get the explanation of the way Jon perceives time - but again, much less effective than it was in the comic. Everything in this movie is so DARK. 'Dark and gritty' doesn't usually refer to the visuals of a story.

M: Jon got stuck in an experimental machine where they were doing SCIENCE. He got disintegrated.

B: Just look at the SYMBOLISM...I mean, uh, the time. Jon's narration sounds like ASMR. He eventually manages to reassemble himself, but now he's blue....and nAkEd.

M: This giant naked blue dude shows up and Janey is just like "Jon?? Is that you??"

B: Jon is super-powerful, so the govt lords him as a weapon and uses him to help end the Vietnam war, and a lot of references to nuclear power.

M: I know his symbol is supposed to be a hydrogen atom, but it kinda looks like the power button on an Xbox.

Particle man, particle man...

B: This movie feels significantly gorier than the comic...which is not necessary. Janey is worried about how powerful Jon is - or she just wants him to put some fuckin' pants on.

M: Speaking of things that take you out of the movie - Jon's ENTIRE backstory in one flashback. Worked in the comic, not in the movie.

B: Jon macks on a 16 year old girl and is like - why is this a problem? My girlfriend is getting old, I gotta get a new one. Also I'm tired of earth. Going to mars.

M: We literally zoom out from Jon's ass crack.

B: There is no reason to put a physical or cgi camera that close to anyone's ass crack.

M: Jon has fucked off and now they're interrogating Laurie about where he went. She randomly assaults one of them because she can? Why are we having this slo mo smoking moment? And now another flashback to the Comedian... oh right, we have to have Laurie's version of why this guy was a douchebag.

B: Eddie's like, you think I'd fuck my daughter? And Sally is like - yah you might.

M: The gubmint is freaking out because their giant blue naked nuclear weapon has gone to Mars. I hate the Nixon makeup so much. He looks so fake. They wasted their budget on Manhattan's cock. I can't believe we still have 2 hours of this shit left.

B: (separate tangent about her cat) I'd rather focus on my cat than this movie. Why is this scene happening? Why is it significant? Is it supposed to increase the tension with the whole nuclear war thing??

M: I don't know. Why is it going on for so long? They figured out he's on mars because there's a blue spot? Uh...Laurie is beating up a guy and chaining him to a radiator? What....What did that have to do with ANYTHING? The gubmint is now attacking Veidt for trying to create free energy...?

B: This scene is just for Ozymandias to explain his backstory...I guess??

M: I honestly have no idea what's going on.

B: It's supposed to parallel the scene in the comic where he talks about Alexander the Great and stuff...

M: This happened at the END of the comic tho.

B: But here it's just...confusing. The choices they made just generally leave you feeling confused. Not like the comic did. It's ‘Vight’. I'm right.

Adrian Veidt is gay is the most discussed in the media in the few years ago.

M: Oh and now the scene where a hitman shows up disguised as a pizza guy so we can slow mo more totally excessive gore.

B: There was plenty of violence in the comic but...you can be dark and edgy without being this damn gory. Dan and Laurie have yet another meaningless conversation at a table and now Dan is suddenly on board with Rorshach's paranoia??

M: And Dan invites her to come over but in the comic she literally ran to him immediately after Jon left. Jesus now Rorshach is fucking monologuing again. They're fucking with the order of events again and it's pissing me off.

B: They don't seem to do it with any rhyme or reason. You have to make changes to adapt to a medium but there's zero apparent reason for the changes in chronology...

M: Rorschach breaks into Moloch's house so he can get caught again. Why the fuck would Moloch know about any of this??

B: But Moloch is dead. It was a SET UP.

M: I'm losing all plot cohesiveness because of all this nonsense. I can't remember what actually happened. Ten minutes of Rorshach slow mo fighting his way out but he's gonna get caught because Veidt organized all this but they don't tell you that in the movie because of reasons.

B: We're not explaining a lot of the plot because it's happening so slowly. They caught Rorschach. They takin' im to prison.

M: Rorschach don't care. He got shit to do. And now maybe back to the animation...? Yes.

B: They do like 1/16th of this shit with the newstand corner. They should have just not at all done it. They just seem like framing to put the Black Freighter in there.

M: Except they don't do it every time, and that makes it worse. And they made weird ass changes to this story too. It's supposed to parallel what's happening in the main story but it's making NO SENSE.

B: This also adds nothing to the story and it breaks the immersion.

M: It mostly seems like an excuse to be gross. And now for Rorschach's mental health evaluation.

B: He's psycho bonkers crazy. Part of the concept of Watchmen is that everyone has issues. The complex psychology.

Look inside your local garbage and you may find a friend and boy.

M: Aw who cares about that. Let's shoot off some more fingers! We get his entire backstory in very very short flashbacks. He's still nuts.

B: This was over the course of quite a while in the comic.

M: Yeah but suddenly we're pressed for time in the seven hour long movie so we gotta condense his entire story into a ten minute scene. Which makes this feel rushed, which is fucking weird considering how drawn out every fucking thing in this movie is.

B: The comic felt like a bunch of stories being told at once but all tying in together at a certain point. Convergent stories The movie feels like a bunch of different stories that happen and then they're over. They're not tying anything together. (Biscuits starts singing Linkin Park because this part is so fucking dark)

M: So he's telling this story about how he killed a guy for kidnapping a girl and Biscuits is looking up the name of that song because she can't remember what it's called and still singing.

B: It's called Shadow of the Day...it’s like the one Linkin Park song I know

M: Okay. And Rorschach is gonna....kill this guy with a hatchet???

B: That is NOT how that happened. He tied him up and set that house on fire. But now he's gonna hit that guy in the head 20 times. And now he's Rorschach. There is no Laura, only Zuul.

M: ...Dana!!

B: Oh...Dana....is that from...

M: Ghostbusters!

B: I didn't wanna say it and have you be like - No it's from the Exorcist!

M: That would have been pretty funny in the exorcist. There is no Pazuzu, only Zuul.

B: Rorschach delivers the iconic line - I'm not locked in here with you, you're locked in here with me. The angrier he gets the more gravelly his voice gets. Meanwhile back at the ranch...Lori looks at Dan's shit.

M: You gotta be more specific. In this movie it might be actual shit. She's looking at this ship.

B: He's got some cool etchings, and a stamp collection. She sets things on fire. In the comic she thought it was the cigarette lighter. That's not how you put out a fire.

Laurie is an expert firefighter.

M: She doesn't have any brains.

B: She's an animatronic being controlled offscreen. Everything is so bland in this movie. We really aren't given any reasons to connect with Dan and Laurie.

M: This scene isn't helping either. It's boring and we don't care what's happening because we don't fucking care about Dan and Looooooorie. I can't think of a couple with less chemistry than these two.

B: Do you know what this means??

M: Yes.

B: We're getting close to the sex scene. It's like a case study in how not to do a sex scene in a movie. It's like the most awkward horrible thing that can be done. These scenes were in the comic, but not like this.

M: They're not gonna bang right now anyway because Dan can't get it up because uh...Adrian isn't doing gymnastics in the background and Unforgettable isn't playing.

B: Patrick Wilson's titty.

M: Did we really need to...

B: It's okay. Patrick Wilson is reasonably attractive. I would give those titties a six. Maybe a seven. Compared to having to see Malin Ackerman's tits, I would give them an 11. They're better than Manhattan's tits, which are cgen and disgustingly hyperdetailed.

M: BACK TO RORSCHACH. Who is being threatened by a little person named Big Figure because that's fucking funny. I guess. But it's also canon. And now Dan's dreaming but there's no actual meaning here because they do it wrong.

B: It really would have been better to put that in there after Dan and Laurie stop trying to bang instead of going to Rorschach?

M: And then IMMEDIATELY back to the animated parts with NO warning.

B: That was the worst editing I've ever seen. Sharks are eating the corpse boat.

M: I'm so confused. How did that shark get back up into the boat thing....

B: Who the fuck cares anymore.

M: Back to reality?? Snoop Dogg threatens the comic reading man because uh...

B: Snap back to reality...OH there goes gravity...something about spaghetti. And now back to Dan who is staring naked at his suit. There's too many behinds in this movie.

M: Are you gonna rate it?

B: I like plenty of naked behinds in other contexts.

M: I'm not even gonna ask.

B: Dreiberg is pretty ripped for being supposedly flabby and old. Laurrrrrie decides they should go fight crime.

Unfortunately, Malin Akerman.

M: Night Owl's costume is so bad. Like Ozymandias’ costume and...most of the costumes.

B: Laurie's costume is mostly see through because she can't fight crime if she's not sexy. We don't get any explanation of Dan's bird love in the movie. He's a good bird boy. That's a tongue twister.

M: They're saving people from a fire. I kinda want to go take a nap.

B: Why is he shooting into the burning building???

M: I don't know! Oh it's a water tower.

B: I thought he was just shooting up a burning building.

M: I'm sorry but she would be DEAD from that backdraft. There is no way. So now they gotta drop people off so they can bang in the owlship. Which I don't wanna see. SKIP.

B: This isn't how this happened in the comic at all.

M: Back to Rorschach again. They don't do the whole language pun thing which was so fucking cool in the comic. Big Figure. Small world. Why is all Rorschach's shit cut out??? Don't tell me they didn't have time. They see one dead guy and they know Rorschach is alive?

B: Professional dead guy appraiser.

M: Oh yeah there's a whole prison riot going on but we don't know why in the movie because they don't explain it.

B: Now Dan and Lari are gonna beat up some guys but it's so fucking dark it's like I'm watching Fan4stic. More slow mo.

M: They had to cut Rorschach's story to make time for all the slow mo.

B: I hate Night Owl's outfit. Leri's doesn't look anything like the comic either. I punched that guy! I'm a strong independent woman!

M: Rorschach goes to kill Big Figure in the bathroom which also fucks up what happened in the comic. Luri calls Rorschach an idiot and they start bitch fighting but Dan is like come on we gotta go. We have an hour left. We have to start building each other up.

B: (sings Livin' on a prayer )

M: NOT HOW THIS HAPPENED EITHER. Jon shows up after they get back and kidnaps Liri to mars where there's no air because he's a dick like that.

B: Diet bepis.

M: Laurie somehow knows she's on Mars because there's a giant glass sculpture there. Like on Mars. You know. Back to Snoop and his gang who randomly decide to take out Night Owl but pick the wrong one and beat up Hollis. Poor Hollis.

Yep, definitely Mars.

B: Obviously the editors don't care about the timeline either. Liri's mother is on the phone with Hollis talking about what happened the night before but I thought this was the same night? Who genuinely cares?

M: This movie is rated almost 5 stars on Amazon. You go Hollis, punch at least one of em!

B: The gang beats up Hollis and kills him because it's JUST LIKE THE COMIC. Hollis has flashbacks while he's getting killed. And killed by his own award. But we don't get the scene where he GOT the award. It's fine. I'm not mad.

M: Back to fucking Rorschach and Dan and Laurie and I'm tired of typing that sentence. Rorschach suddenly is sure it's the pyramid people doing all the bad but he has no fucking evidence? Dan lays the smack down and the bromance can continue.

Just like back in college...

B: We're just two dudes in a rad bromance....They're going to an underworld bar because they're looking for seedy dudes.

M: How would these dudes even know about the pyramid thing?

B: That's just how Rorschach do. Follow the money. Rorschach writes a lot of youtube conspiracy videos.

M: Dan finds out some dude helped kill Hollis.

B: Also back on Mars...ugh..his dick is moving back and forth and I know that’s realistic but ugh...It’s different when it’s just a still panel in a comic and not...this...you're made of molecular nothingness, can't you just suck it up into your body or something?

M: Back on Mars Jon goes on his seven hour long predestination trip while his dick wiggles.

B: Jon I have feelings, pls believe me.

M: You can't fucking...you can't...you can't fucking take all this dialogue and re-arrange it and make it work. It doesn't work, now it just seems empty and nobody cares. Lauree was having a total breakdown because Jon wanted HER to make him save the entire earth and now just stand there looking bored.

B: Dan and Ror have broken into Veidt's office searching for answers. Dan is an expert hacker. Creator's name was Jeff Jeff, born on the eighth of Jeff, 19-Jeffity-Jeff. So I put in 'Jeff'.

M: Do they even mention in the movie that Adrian Veidt is supposed to be like, the 'smartest man in the world'? Actually, we don't really learn anything about Veidt in this movie...What do we really know about him? He's rich? He makes plans? Possibly homosexual?

B: *Hacker voice* I'm in. Boys Folder, iconic. Veidt doesn't really keep his most secret government and corporate secrets very...well-hidden. Next to his boys, yanno.

M: Adrian had a team of like three people in the comic. His suit...

B: It has nip- It has NIPPLES!!!

M: *chokes to death laughing* I've never heard anyone so angry about nipples in my whole life.

A toast, to my suit’s nipples.

B: Did Batman and Robin teach the human race nothing???!!? Nipples on superhero costumes = a bad idea. Veidt has killed all his scientists. AND NOW - My Bubastis rant. Whhyyyyy is Bubastis in this fucking movie??????? She just shows up in this scence with NO EXPLANATION. Just, "oh hey...Ozymandias has a giant mutant lynx." and why would she even EXIST in this continuity - he doesn't need the eugenics program in this version of the story. Was he just like "I want a mutant cat, please make me one."

M: How do we still have 50 minutes of movie left??? Oh, I guess...Tales of the Black Freighter. This is still going on. Crazy guy has reached land and kills some people, believing his hometown has been taken over....who really cares. Was there really anyone clamoring for them to put this into the movie?

B: *basically says nothing for this entire bit*

M: *basically says nothing for this entire bit*

B: NO TRANSITIONS, YEAH!

M: Now we're back to have the least impassioned discussion about saving the world ever. "Jon, no, everyone will die...." That's not how this happened - that's not how ANY of this happened. Y'know what, Jon, ya big naked blue freak...

B: Laurie sounds like a teenager who's mad that her parents won't buy her a car.

M: "Do that thing you do..." This is making me irrationally angry, and I've seen this TWICE.

B: This part makes me SO mad. Irrationally mad. They fuck this up so much. We do not get any context to explain how much Laurie hated the Comedian, and why him being her father is such a big deal.

M: Also, in the comic, it was a big deal that Laurie had this realization of her own volition. It came naturally as she tried to fight back her past memories (which were not at all like this), instead of just being magically brought out by Jon.

B: They completely squander Laurie's biggest moment of emotional development, in turn squandering Jon's turning point in deciding to save the world

M: I liked the whole snowglobe bit in the comic...I thought that was like really powerful, but in this she just...throws a temper tantrum.

B: Ugly cry face. At least...I think she's crying. Might just have smelled some expired doppelganger. Jon's speech about life is also...rushed. And they leave out my favorite line. “Come, dry your eyes, for you are life - rarer than a quark and unpredictable beyond the dreams of Heisenberg.”

Acting, I think...

M: Laurie looks like she doesn't understand a single thing Jon's saying to her right now. "Jon...you're talking science again, and I don't understand it."

B: I've already complained about the inappropriate scoring. It hasn't gotten any better.

M: So Dan and Ror are heading to Antartica at record fucking speed. Rorschach tries to tell Dan how to drive the fucking ship Dan designed and built. All Along the Watchtower is playing at record loudness for no reason. Somehow they made it to Antartica in five minutes.

B: They're heeeeeere.

M: If Veidt knew they were coming why wouldn't he just open the door instead of letting them fry it with lasers? Veidt is sitting there pretending that he doesn't notice them creeping in to kill him. Suddenly we are shown that Veidt is somehow some superhuman fighter and gymnast which wasn't included in the movie at all.

B: Come on and SLAM. Hello there, sailors.

M: And now for some exposition while a vigorous swordfight is going on. Not really. Veidt is still going on and on about how smart he is and how he organized all this shit.

B: As with any mystery, it ends with the villian explaining how he did everything.

M: In the comic he literally says he's not a comic villian and wouldn't do that, but you know.

B: I could have sworn there was an alien in here....like there was something vaguely about an alien?? This is alien invader erasure and I will not tolerate it. That would break the suspension of disbelief, I guess. If Veidt wanted to make an alien and use that to unite the world.

M: Yeah that would be bonkers, especially in a world where giant naked blue men with god powers exist.

B: He is smart enough not to monologue BEFORE he pulled off his evil plan.

M: And now we see earth exploding or whatever because of Veidt and uh...suddenly we're back at the fucking animated comic.

B: The whole idea of him uniting the world against Manhattan just doesn't click for me. The alien was supposed to be neutral, to be anomalous. It also doesn't make sense that he would drive Jon to leave earth.

M: Way to pull us the fuck out of the super important ending. Slow zoom back out to the kid reading the comic who complains that it makes no sense. I feel you kid.

B: They're trying to pull everything together here with the clock and the therapist guy and everything but it was all crushed by the alien invader but now it's just Dr Manhattan's..energy force?? But they'll be able to recognize that it was Manhattans? Didn't they know that Veidt was trying to use his energy too??

M: Yes.

B: Oh it's bad. Oh no.

Bubastis’ one moment in the movie...

M: Jon and Lurie return to earth post uh..time bomb or whatever. Jon realizes the energy signature is here. He is not muddled or confused or anything though like he is in the book, so he just immediately goes to Antartica to kick Veidt's ass but then immediately goes through the intrinsic field subtractor like a fucking moron. Why would this even effect Jon? Why would the smartest man alive not figure out that it wouldn't work?

B: Laurie says things....she shoots Veidt but he catches the bullet because he's uh..just that radical. Stuff is happening.

M: For not being a comic book villian Veidt is super fucking acting like a goddamn comic book villian. Jon shows up all super huge now and he's kinda mad at Veidt. But not that mad. Veidt uses his magical remote control to show melty face Nixon demanding peace.

B: And this works because...why not?

M: Because the fucking movie has to end SOMETIME. In the comic there were hundreds of screens showing everything but you know...America. Veidt is like - this is our victory Jon and Jon SHOULD be like - you used me to blow people up dude. Fuck you.

B: Uh uh, can't do that, you'll screw up the peace! Rorschach is like fuck no, I ain't keeping this a secret.

M: I'd side with Rorschach with this tbh, Veidt is a fucking madman. He's like the fucking Governor from the Walking Dead. Ror goes out to try and tell the world but Jon kills him.

B: But of course he wouldn't do that, he told the world 35 minutes ago!

M: He literally did. Rorschach explodes and Dan gets all sad. That was my favorite Rorschach! Now Patrick Wilson's ugly cry face.

I loved that Rorschach like a Rorschach...

B: Jon decides to leave and Laurie is like but why and he's like - well I can't go back to earth NOW.

M: I don't understand why Dan is trying to kick Veidt's ass now. He already agreed to let the mass murder slide. Veidt seems unconcerned.

B: We don't get the whole nothing ever ends quote either, which was a big deal in the comic.

M: They fucked the ending hard though. Like with a chainsaw.

B: They fucked the whole movie hard. With like 17 giant dicks. This shit is way fucked.

M: So I guess Dan and Lbrbbrie go back home? And visit her mom cos you know.

B: And all the reconciliation Lrry had to do in the comic is reduced to one pathetic encounter with her mother. And it means NOTHING because we only get one little scene where Loree is SAD. The whole movie is this way. It's just a bunch of stuff that HAPPENS.

M: I don't give a shit about any of these characters. There's a lot of Lyrie and Dan kissy facing and talking about stuff that doesn't matter now.

B: Nothing ever ends but that's not..at all the way it was supposed to be done...at all.

M: WHY ISN'T THIS OVER, GOD. Straight outta the fucking comic we get the last bit where the greasy kid pulls Rorschach's fucking notebook out of the crank file to publish it so 30 years later they could write the mess that is Doomsday Clock.

B: Not EVEN gonna get into that. That's a whole other screaming fit. But that’s a comic, not a movie.

M: *AGGRESSIVE HEADBANGING TO DESOLATION ROW*

B: *AGGRESSIVE HEADBANGING TO DESOLATION ROW*

M: I don't have any closing thoughts. I'm tired of typing. I hate this movie. I hate what they do to every fucking Alan Moore venture. He deserves better. Write less deep shit Alan and they might actually do you right one day.

B: I find the existence of this movie to be a highly overrated phenomenon. I do, however, fucking love the My Chemical Romance cover of Desolation Row.

Munch and Biscuits out, yo.

#watchmen #munchflix #alan moore #comic #comics #movie #bad movie #dr. manhattan #the comedian #rorschach

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lucifers-trash-stash · 7 years ago

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Hey guys <3 @jeffreydeanneganstrash reached 2K followers and decided to host a Q&A so I thought I’d answer the questions <3 Congrats again on the 2K!

What is your name? Charlotte

How old are you? 21

How would you describe your cultural background? The only thing about my cultural background that I know for certain is that my dad’s side of the family are French Canadian and all live up in Quebec. My mother’s side is harder to pinpoint because they don’t have a complete family tree anywhere, probably European.

What languages do you speak? My main language is English and I know a decent amount of French. By that I mean I can read it and understand it, but trying to talk to people is much harder.

How tall are you? 5′5″

What are your best physical features? Well, I really like my hair and how curly it is. I really like my eyes too, they’re hazel.

What makes you feel beautiful or strong? 80% of the time I definitely don’t feel beautiful or strong, but I suppose the few times that I do are when I wear an outfit that makes me feel good or listening to upbeat music. Otherwise I have no idea how to answer this lol

Can you tell me a secret? I own an Oppan Gangam Style Funko Pop from when that was still a thing. I don’t know why I still keep it but he’s there lmao

Can you describe your personality by only stating the names of three fictional characters? Hermione Granger from Harry Potter, Daria Morgandorffer from Daria, and April Ludgate-Dwyer from Parks and Rec.

When did you start watching The Walking Dead? After it was announced that Jeff was going to play Negan. At the time I was up to date on the comics and I loved Jeff as the Comedian in Watchman so I figured he’d do a good job. That being said I still haven’t seen the entire show all the way through yet, just seasons 1-3 and 7-8 LOL

If you could rewrite one storyline on TWD, which would it be and why? I’m still annoyed with how slow moving the first half of season 2 was. The second half after Sophia walks out of the barn as a walker is pretty good, but I would have loved to see a bit more substance to the first half of the season, especially when a lot of characters are doing nothing around the farm or god forbid spend an entire episode trying to get a zombie out of a well to get the water when the water was probably infected anyways from the walker being down there in the first place. I wouldn’t drink that water, not sure why they wanted to lol

Was there a character whose death you celebrated on TWD? Spencer. Always Spencer.

Which character death made you sob like a small child? Merle Dixon. I mean, I won’t go into it because anyone that follows my blog knows how much I love Michael Rooker, but damn. He was an amazing character and actually began to have a bit of an arc in his development before being killed sacrificing himself to try to kill the Governor. That will always make me sad, especially when Daryl breaks down after finding Merle as a walker D:

Where would you take up residency in TWD universe: Alexandria, The Kingdom, Hilltop, The Sanctuary etc.? Honestly, the Kingdom would be pretty cool to live in. As much as I love Negan and Sanctuary, every time I see the Kingdom it just... looks like a Kingdom, you know?

What would be your weapon of choice in the zombie apocalypse? While I would probably be better off using my brain (because I’m not good at fighting at all), I’d probably use a baseball bat. I played baseball a lot as a kid so I know my way around a bat.

What would be in your zombie apocalypse bag? Probably a decent amount of food and water, a couple notebooks and pens to write things down and keep track of stuff. Maybe my lighter to help start a fire, some basic medical stuff just in case. A picture or two of my family. There’s probably tons of other stuff too but I can’t think of anything else at the moment lol

If you were a character on TWD, what would be your theme song, and why? Okay it took me FOREVER to decide on this one, but I think it would have to be “No More Mr. Nice Guy” by Alice Cooper. It’s probably a cliche choice, but as I’m a person that is kind of shy and tries to please everyone, during the apocalypse I would expect myself to turn after taking too much of that, just like the lyrics imply lol

You are the moral compass of the group in TWD universe, what would be the lesson that you would preach? As much as this is probably tiring to hear at this point, I’d probably preach more about how the group should focus on working with other groups to deal with the walkers. I mean, we know how well that’s been working out right now... LOL

How would you rather die on the show: turning into a walker or being killed by another human? I’d rather be killed by another person. I can’t imagine being turned into a walker, so I’d rather just go out by a human.

Who is your favourite character played by JDM? I still have a really fond spot for The Comedian. I loved the Watchman movie and the comic, and Comedian is one of my favorite characters next to Rorschach. Jeff portrays him so fantastically, and he was the perfect choice.

Okay, let’s spice things up: daddy kink, yay or nay? That would be a resounding Hell YEAH

If you answered yes to the previous question: do you now have one because of JDM? Not because of him, but he made me realize I’d always had one since I was in high school after looking back at all the other male characters I thirsted over. Freddy Krueger, Beetlejuice, Jareth the Goblin King, etc.

What is your ultimate JDM/JDM character fantasy? Oh man... Negan and dirty talk, definitely. His voice is sooooooo hot and I’d honestly love to be alone with him as he whispers all the dirty things he’d like to do to me in my ear... and then doing them ;)

Would you really join Negan’s harem given the choice? I’m going to be brutally honest here, as much as I’d like to say I’d be an independent woman and take care of myself, knowing who I am I’d probably join his harem if he asked. Of course he’s attractive and all, but from a survival standpoint he’s the leader of Sanctuary and makes sure his wives are taken care of. I mean, knowing myself as a wife, I’d probably get stir crazy and do something productive with my time instead of lounging around doing nothing, but otherwise I’d definitely be looking out for my best interests. Negan provides a certain level of protection and security that would be hard to come by elsewhere.

What words remind you of Negan? Charismatic, dominant, powerful.

You’re locked alone in an ATM vestibule with JDM, what are you going to do? The same would apply to whether this is a situation where he’s single or not, I’d clam up and be screaming internally while I’m stuck in an enclosed space with a hot dude. He’d probably have to calm me down before I faint lmao

If you could describe sex with Negan through a song, which song would you pick? If we’re still on the subject of Alice Cooper songs... “Bed of Nails.” Seriously, just look at the chorus and say that isn’t Negan:

Our love is a bed of nails Love hurts good on a bed of nails I'll lay you down and when all else fails I'll drive you like a hammer on a bed of nails.

If Negan had given you the choice to pick a person to die from the lineup, which character would be on Lucille’s receiving end? Everyone is going to hate me, but Daryl. From a writing standpoint, he hasn’t been interesting in a while. It’s like they give stuff to Daryl when they don’t know what other character to use.

Do you write any fanfiction, create content for any fandom blogs etc.? (If so, reblog something you’re most proud of and tag me in it!) I write fanfiction for TWD, and have written for Negan, Merle, Daryl, and Simon. Also for some of Michael Rooker’s other characters, like Yondu and Grant Grant. I’ll tag you in my favorite Negan fics I’ve written :P

Finally, what is the one thing you want your followers to know about you? Hmmmm I’m really not sure. I mean, other than the fact that writing is something I love to do so much and I’m thankful to have such lovely followers that follow my blog and enjoy the stuff I do. <3

#about me #charlotte speaks #jeffreydeanneganstrash

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orindasfinest · 6 years ago

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Critical Theory is a Disease and I Ain’t Got the Cure (versus the People on GWH)

Hello,

Interesting that a semi-serious post could arise on this platform at such a time of internal strife. I considered posting on Medium instead but then I heard something about George Soros and got scared.

Anyway, engaging in good faith with just about anything produced by Barstool is a fucking fool’s errand. I’m talking sending your court jester to go pick up a carton of eggs - level fool’s errand. He’s just gonna come back with yet another box of decorative scarves!

But as wave after wave of disaffected former college students combine their half-baked critical reasoning skills and desperate need for online attention into “hot takes” that really just serve as Rorschach tests for the mistakes your parents made when they were raising you, it was an inevitability that one of these Bad Posts would come into my orbit and irritate me enough so that I’d make my own dumb emission and accidentally invalidate the sentient ziploc bag filled with swamp ass that fell zip-seal first onto their keyboard enough times to churn out a thing like this.

What sort of thing am I talking about? Hah, well, a thing like this thing right here: https://www.barstoolsports.com/barstoolu/the-ponytail-harvard-guy-from-good-will-hunting-won-that-argument (go ahead, I already gave them my pageview, and you won’t even recognize your elementary school if you go back because the passage of time doesn’t give a fuck about your existence). I don’t mean to spoil your dessert, but: it’s a bad take! And as stated, debating this it at face value, especially when it comes from a company like Barstool Sample (really sure no-one has done that before), is just setting yourself up for a raft of meaninglessness.

Unfortunately, I can’t let this Bad Post slide. It features the sort of willful textual misreading that’s allowed narratives such as “Ryan Gosling is a cornerback in Remember the Titans” to become embedded in the cultural consciousness. So I’m gonna embrace Francis’ debate or whatever and tell you why this cute little bit of contrarianism is actually a sign of fourth-degree brain rot. And, as always, it’ll likely be very mean, as I am a big baby.

-OF

Title: The Ponytail Harvard Guy From Good Will Hunting Won That Argument

Already off to a bad start. I think much of Francis’ confusion here -- aside from the general problem he faces of not knowing his ass from his elbow -- is that he thinks Will and Clark (yeah, the guy has a name, which you would know if you watched the scene, but wouldn’t know if you just so happened to be the physical embodiment of an old-looking anthill in the outfield of a shitty little league diamond) are having some kind of university roundtable on the evolution of the market economy in the Southern colonies. They’re not. Clark is forced by Will to pivot from a broad display of learned knowledge into a broader ideological discussion about methods of information acquisition and the general value of academia. That is another thing you would notice if your head wasn’t filled with dyslexic cat food.

Interregnum: [EMPTY BARSTOOL PLOT POINT SYNOPSIS DONE WITH ROSEART CRAYONS]

Point one: Will only jumps in because he’s trying to impress a girl

Aaaaaand WELCOME to another broadcast of Major League Projecting! Francis, m’boy over here, strides to the plate, currently batting a crisp .482 at unwittingly copping to the fact that he sees all conversations held in the vicinity of a woman as an opportunity to weasel into her pants. He eagerly points to Will’s “thirsty smile” at Skylar’s -- rebuke of a universally acknowledged douchebag? -- and that’ll be another trip around the missing-the-point bases by our mainest man!!!

Dear god. Yes, Will displays his relentless horniness by not introducing himself to Skylar in any way, barely looking at her during the confrontation, and then capitalizing on his victory by ignoring Skylar for the rest of the night to the point where she has to come over and chastise him for not following up on his finishing maneuver. IT’S SO CLEAR WHY DIDN’T I SEE IT BEFORE, ALL I HAD TO DO WAS REPLACE MY EYEBALLS WITH PUDDLES OF JIZZ

In fact, the only thing that may be more off-base is Will’s claim that Clark’s out to impress some girls. The familiarity and exasperation with which Skylar says Clark’s name indicates that they have a long history with nary a positive note. Clark is not going to “win over” Skylar by bodyslamming a wayward townie. This is a classic macho pissing contest. Chuckie is trespassing in Clark’s yard by entering a college bar and passing himself off as a student, and it’s an insult to Clark’s tenuous sense of identity that such a thing would occur without some sort of consequence.

Will’s fierce sense of loyalty is what drives him to enter the discussion and bail out his overmatched friend. To be fair, though, it’s easy to miss that character trait which is absolutely integral to understanding Will as a person provided that during every other scene in the movie you shove forks in your ears and then shove that new apparatus into the nearest electrical socket.

Point two: Will also plagiarizes the works of authors.

The dictionary defines plagiarism as (emphasis mine) “an act or instance of using or closely imitating the language and thoughts of another author without authorization and the representation of that author's work as one's own, as by not crediting the original author.” The dictionary goes on to say, “Oh, Francis? Don’t even fucking talk to me about that dude. He tried to tell me that rigatoni was a fleshlight.”

Plagiarism involves passing off someone else’s work as your own, which is why any researched assignment ever requires a works cited page so your professor can see whose ideas you decided sounded the smartest when you were slamming 99c shooters and yelling through your bedroom door that you’d be out for the pregame in a minute. If you’d like to learn the difference between plagiarism and not plagiarism, I’d recommend examining an instance where one person pretends that they’re having original thoughts but are really just wholesale quoting more reputable sources, while another spouts direct lines from textbooks and then immediately attributes the author, book title, and page number. If only there was a way to witness such a dichotomy...

Point three: Will threatens to fight him.

Here’s where that pesky misunderstanding from earlier really rears its ugly, looking-surprisingly-like-Francis head: we are not witnessing an intellectual debate, no matter how much Francis would like to pretend we are and would also like to pretend that his “friends” don’t just feel bad for him every time they let him pick where they’re going to go out to dinner.

The only statement made to the given topic is made by Clark in his opening salvo. After that, Will and Clark are not having an honest discussion about the economic modalities of the colonies, but are having an argument about the value of academia first through the surrogates of researched theories and then outright through class-and-value-based accusations. There is no point to be won in this scenario. Clark places value in his education because he knows it will lead him directly to a financially stable future; Will ridicules spending an exorbitant amount of money on something he can learn for free because he was raised in a blue-collar environment and has been conditioned to disdain such frivolous expenditures. Neither is going to leave this confrontation with their viewpoint changed in any appreciable fashion. Will understands this, and digs in further to his rough-and-tumble roots by inviting Clark to take it outside. He’s made his point and is now transitioning to the earlier issue: Clark was fucking with Chuckie, and if that’s going to continue, then there’s going to be a problem. Wow, I just went like a whole paragraph without taking a cruel potshot! Sheesh, that was maybe five or six sentences. Shame that Francis can only read two per day or his itsy witsy peanut brainy brain has to power down completely and he dookies right into his pants in feeaaarrrrr

In conclusion, I am everything I hate, and perhaps Francis and I share the same central consciousness, leading me to shame him for his traumatically bad comprehension skills in the hopes that he decides to stop watching movies while upside down and spooning Frosted Mini-Wheats up his nose until they blow out with such force that they crack whatever screen is displaying the motion picture. Will did not lose the argument, because there was never going to be a winner in the broader scope of the debate that was actually taking place; he did not enter the arena to impress a girl, but to help his friend, who was in danger or being embarrassed, being thrown out after caving in Clark’s face, or both; he did not plagiarize, because he cited his sources while only using them as a cudgel to belabor Clark’s phony intellectualism; and he lost no credibility for issuing the challenge to fight at the end, because he demonstrated his intelligence and then displayed the nature of his violent upbringing, which makes him uhhhh a three-dimensional character that can’t be qualified by reductive maxims like “That’s thuggish behavior” ya fucking dafty.

By all means, though, go the fuck in on the “How Do You Like Them Apples” scene because that has been and will always be one of the cringiest sequences committed to film. It’s right up there with a clip of Francis going around the office holding a red Swingline he bought off Amazon using a Kinja Deals code and asking people if they’ve seen his stapler while doing a reprehensible Milton Waddams impression.

Anyway im gonna go jerk off for twelve days or whatever’s left lol whole foods is putting RFID chips in your celery because they know you won’t even notice with all the $35 hummus you’re slathering on that bitch

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thanagariansnarebeast · 6 years ago

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Top 15 Superheroes part 3

First off some honorable mentions (not nearly enough though): Hulk, Iron Man, Wasp, Batman, Martian Manhunter, Supergirl, Black Panther, Vision, Beast, Professor X, Cyborg, Starfire, Firestorm, Groot, She-Hulk, Doctor Strange, Spawn, Hellboy, Rorschach.

3. Green Arrow (Oliver Queen)

I fucking love this guy and many people’s exposure to him is from the CW show Arrow, and while that show is (mostly) fantastic, it isn’t an accurate representation of the character. In the comics and other media he is much more lighthearted and cracking jokes constantly. He is sometimes accused of being too similar to Batman which I completely disagree with as Oliver knows how to have fun, and his origin story involves him being stripped of everything and having to survive on his own. I love every second of him and Black Canary being together and as I said earlier they are my favorite superhero couple. Oliver is a lot more left wing than many of his fellow heroes and he adds a different perspective on what is right and wrong, for example Batman might just beat up a drug addict and Superman might just throw him in jail where as Green Arrow would try to help them with their addiction. In fact Green Arrow and Green Lantern were some of the first to deal with drugs in the crossover comics they had running at the time, dealing with Green Arrow’s sidekick having a heroin addiction. For great Green Arrow stuff check out the animated feature DC Showcase: Green Arrow, Justice League: Unlimited, and for comics Green Arrow: Rebirth, and the Injustice: Gods Among Us comics.

2. Superman

The first comic book superhero and the one that every other superhero has taken inspiration from in some way, the Man of Tomorrow has survived publisher shake ups, retcons, accusations of being part of the moral decay of society (Fredric Wertham was an idiot), copyright law almost splitting him in two, and an ever changing pop culture and remains one of the most popular characters in all of fiction. He takes on everything from universe destroying beings, planet destroying aliens, giant robots, evil billionaires, and slum lords; no problem is too big for him to tackle or too small to be beneath him. The Man of Steel may have godlike power, but while some say that makes him uninteresting I say that is part of what makes him such a great character; his struggle to always remain moral and a beacon of hope to all of us. Superman is who everyone in the DC universe looks up to for a moral compass. He is the person we all look up to, striving to be better people and always do the right thing. For great Superman stuff watch The Death of Superman (2018), Allstar Superman, Justice League: Crisis on Two Earths. For some of his best comics read All-Star Superman, Superman: Whatever Happened to the Man of Tomorrow? and Superman/Batman” Public Enemies.

1. Spider-Man (Peter Parker)

Yeah super shocking based on my header and icon right? Superman is the moral symbol of hope we all look up to and wish to be, but Spider-Man is the flawed, self-conscious, awkward person we all are. He is still moral and striving to do the right thing, but he struggles and makes mistakes along the way. He’s been my favorite fictional character from as far back as I can remember and I have never identified with a character more. His quips and one-liners kill me, and I’m so glad the newer films allow him to be funny. He is nerdy, and awkward, and struggles to pay rent, and keep relationships, and he just does the best he can; which all anyone can do. He’s funny, charming, intelligent, goofy, and incredibly self-sacrificing. He’s one of the characters in comics that’s been allowed to grow most, from his awkward teenage start to his college years where he could never balance his life, then a short lived carrier as a college professor and now to head of Parker Industries and a mentor to a new Spider-Man, Peter has been through a lot and grown so much. I also love his many different costume changes, though his first is such an amazing design that its been pretty much unchanged for over 55 years. His best stories aren’t him just being stronger than some villain of the weak and beating them up, but getting his ass kicked, going home and figuring out some scientific or emotional way to defeat his enemy and coming back from it learning something about himself. Most of his villains have some personal connection with him, some kind of friend or mentor usually and I love the emotional heart that brings to his stories, characters like the Lizard where he doesn’t want to hurt him because he knows there is still a good man inside that monster that needs to be saved. The black suit arcs are some of my favorite because of his struggle with his dark side and not just some bland “oh he’s evil because he’s mad” crap; but frustration at his life, work, money, superhero life, and not using his powers for personal gain; all leading to the creation of one of my all time favorite villains who eventually grew and became a hero in his own right, though Venom struggles a lot more than Spider-Man with that. I think if more people lived up to Spidey’s philosophy of responsibility and not giving in to greed or ego, the world would be a much better place. For spectacular Spider-Man reading check out: The Death of Captain Stacy, Spider-Man No More, Spider-Man: Blue, The Night Gwen Stacy Died, Spider-Verse, and Spider-Men (there are a lot more but this list is getting long)For superior Spider-Man stories in animation check out the 90′s Spider-Man series, Spectacular Spider-Man and the Into the Spiderverse movie coming out soon

I made this list first because these are characters that have shaped who I am as a person the most, influenced me and who I want to be as a person. I’ve grown up with these characters and the stories told about them have helped influence almost every aspect of who I am, from my taste in music, writing, tv, film, to the decisions I make in my every day life, to who I strive to be as a person. I created this blog to share my love of these and other characters, and if just one person can look at something in these posts and go “wow that looks interesting, I should read/watch that” I think my time and effort will be worth it.

#Superheroes #Marvel #DC #my posts #lists #long post #personal

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aion-rsa · 6 years ago

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Halloween Comics: The Weird History of Michael Myers on the Page

https://ift.tt/2NH2Era

Like many horror icons, the dead-eyed Michael Myers of Halloween fame has also dabbled in stabbing people on the comic book page.

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Feature Gavin Jasper

Halloween

Oct 14, 2018

Horror Movies

31 Days of Horror

Michael Myers is the understated horror icon, for better or worse. He’s the architect of the whole slasher genre and while John Carpenter's Halloween is an undisputed classic, he doesn’t stand out as much as his fellow supernatural murderers. He’s the less-exciting Jason Voorhees, even if he came first and had his shit figured out by the first movie (as opposed to Jason’s three).

I guess Michael stands out less because he was never part of anything excessively dumb. Oh yeah, he had a bunch of lesser sequels that culminated in being beat up by Busta Rhymes and there’s that Halloween III fiasco, but he never fell into the pop culture trap of other '80s and '90s boogeymen. He didn’t show up on Arsenio Hall’s show or appear in a Fat Boys music video, for starters.

By the time we did get a silly Michael Myers moment, it was his goofy cameo in Rob Zombie’s Haunted World of El Superbeasto in 2009, merely a month or so after the last actual Halloween movie.

Since Michael was rarely as outlandish as his cinematic brethren, it made sense that it took so long for him to finally make his comic book debut. Freddy showed up in the late '80s, while Jason showed up in the early '90s, and Michael arrived in the year 2000. By this point, Halloween H20 had already come and gone, so the movie series was nearly dead already.

Released by Chaos Comics, Halloween #1 was written by Phil Nutman and Daniel Farrands with art by David Brewer. It follows Tommy Doyle, the boy confronted by Myers in the first movie who later went on to beat him down a bunch with a pipe years later in Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers. In other words, our hero in this story is Paul Rudd.

He’s mostly here to frame the issue, which is about Michael Myers’ beginnings. Tommy is obsessed with making a name off of Michael’s reign of terror and gets his hands on Dr. Sam Loomis’ old diary. From there, he reads about young Michael’s time in the mental institution, seeing as Loomis goes from wanting to help the mentally-distant boy to realizing that he’s evil incarnate.

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It’s done surprisingly well. These kinds of prequel stories are always a touchy concept because they can easily go wrong. If Michael is 100% evil, then it’s a boring and meaningless story. If he’s created from his environment, you run the risk of humanizing him too much and making him look like less of a threat. Here, Nutman and Farrands blur the line and ask the question, “Could Loomis have saved him?”

Loomis mentions the other young inmates, all older than Michael. Coincidentally, that kid Blair is neither referenced or shown other than this intro. Weird. Especially because this flashback story doesn’t outright spell it out that Michael is behind all the murder and mutilation. Sure, Loomis believes he’s behind it and we know he’s a bad egg, but they could have easily tied Blair into it and made it a red herring thing.

Otherwise, the story is about Michael being put in an unwinnable situation where his roommates are not exactly a good crowd to be stuck with. But, just like Rorschach in Watchmen, they discover that they’re the ones stuck in there with him.

Once the issue comes close to running out of pages, we get a scene of Michael attacking Tommy. Since Tommy has enough plot armor, he is able to defeat Michael in a moment reminiscent of the ending of the first movie.

Months later, we get Halloween II: The Blackest Eyes with Phil Nutman and Mickey Yablans writing and Jerry Beck drawing. It picks up where the previous story left off with Tommy deciding to end Michael Myers once and for all.

This story isn’t so hot for the most part, partially because they spend a lot of time going into the whole cult backstory. The stuff about curses and druids always weighed down the Halloween franchise in the eyes of many. Luckily, there’s enough Michael action to make up for it, where he stalks Tommy, the sheriff, and the grown-up versions of the kids that bullied Tommy in the first movie, who are now hell-bent on burning down the abandoned Myers house.

Several months after that, we’re given Halloween III: The Devil’s Eyes by Phil Nutman and Justiniano. It begins with Tommy locked up in an asylum, mainly as a cover-up for all that druid crap that went down in the previous issue. He escapes and teams up with Lindsey Wallace, the other kid being babysat in the original movie.

Since this comic is released late 2001 and Halloween H20 came out a couple years earlier, they finally talk about the elephant in the room: Michael Myers is totally supposed to be dead, right? Like, Laurie Strode chopped his head off. Sure, Myers can heal from a lot of stuff, but the movies at least give us the illusion that there’s some kind of limit to it. He’s not like Jason, who can cartoonishly return from absolutely anything.

Even Halloween: Resurrection went with a different out, saying that Laurie killed the wrong guy. That movie wouldn’t be out for over half a year compared to this comic, so that raises questions. Are they going to go with that same explanation? Can Michael Myers come back from decapitation? Is there someone else under the mask? Hell, is it that Blair kid somehow?

further reading: Halloween (2018) Review

It’s a strong finale to the Chaos Comics trilogy, though it does get a laugh out of me for Nutman just crossing his arms and going, “Yeah, I know this doesn’t fit into the movies. Screw it.”

Though it turns out there’s a reason for that. Daniel Farrands, writer of Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers, was at one point asked to pitch a follow-up to Halloween H20. The studio didn’t go with his pitch and instead, he just told Phil Nutman about his ideas and there we go.

Man, why can’t we get a comic based on Peter Jackson’s unused Nightmare on Elm Street: The Dream Lover screenplay? I’d read the hell out of that.

After the Chaos Comics stuff, there was only one voice of Halloween comics. Stefan Hutchinson wrote about all of Michael Myers’ exploits from 2003 to the end of 2008. For a Halloween convention, he made Halloween: One Good Scare, featuring muddy art by Peter Fielding.

It’s a good one-shot, all things considered. It follows the never-before-mentioned son of Dr. Sam Loomis, who followed his father’s footsteps and works at the sanitarium. Things get interesting for him when Lindsey Wallace has herself committed, insisting that Michael Myers is still alive and now he’s after her. This comic comes out post-Resurrection, so it asks the question of what Michael even wants anymore now that he’s succeeded in wiping out his family.

It’s a necessarily dire story that could have probably used a bit more of Michael in action, but succeeds in the end by rolling out some grade-A dread with a cliffhanger that’s never followed up on and doesn’t need to be.

In 2006, Hutchinson teamed up with Marcus Smith for the one-shot Halloween: Autopsis, released by Paranormal Pictures. It tells the story of Carter, a young photographer obsessed with images that “show the truth” because his father was a projectionist who died while Carter was watching Night of the Living Dead and that totally ruined movies and pictures for him.

...I don’t really get it either.

Short version is that he’s obsessed with photos of Michael’s victims.

The stuff with Carter isn’t so great, but the comic is redeemed by his stalking of Dr. Sam Loomis. See, it’s worth noting that Hutchinson’s comic world takes place in a continuity where only the first movie, first sequel, H20, and Resurrection happened. All the nonsense from parts four-through-six are off the table. That means that Loomis’ hastily-edited stinger death in Curse of Michael Myers didn’t happen.

further reading: Halloween - A Legacy Unmasked

As Carter spies on Loomis regularly, he feels pity for him. As he puts it, Loomis is no arch-rival of Michael Myers. He’s just another victim, living a sad existence where he knows his failure has lead to countless deaths.

Carter’s search for Michael leads to the obvious fate and we’re told that the story will continue in Halloween: Sam. Sam would be released as a PDF in 2008 on the now-defunct Halloweenmovies.com site.

Again, Marcus Smith is on art duties, but the story is mostly prose. It tells the story of the Halloween movies from Loomis’ point of view, ending prior to Halloween H20. It ultimately shows the final days of Loomis, who has grown so weary from his investment in Michael to the point of suffering a heart attack.

Michael appears before him for one last confrontation where Loomis is too tired and weak to fight for his life, but is able to at least get into Michael’s head a little bit and point out how empty a being he is. According to Loomis, Michael’s first kill was his peak and no matter how brutally he murders anyone else, it will never capture the same magic. It's the closest thing to taking a loss that Michael does in the entire Hutchinson run and even then, not really.

In 2008, Hutchinson would do a handful of Halloween comics for Devil’s Due Publishing. The main one is a four-issue miniseries called Halloween: Nightdance, featuring art by Tim Seeley. Rather than bringing in characters from the various movies, it starts anew with a fresh set of characters. The best I can compare it to is the six-issue Friday the 13th comic Wildstorm released. It feels refreshing because it takes its time.

The one-shots and two-parters speed through everything a bit too much at times. Here, we actually get to know our victims and the tension is allowed to build.

Our protagonist is Lisa, a teenager who was locked in a cellar by Michael, along with a little boy named Daniel she was babysitting at the time. They were freed by a search party days later. Although Lisa doesn’t get to see Daniel anymore, he still sends her crude cartoon drawings every day. Things take a dark turn when these drawings become disturbing, like showing Lisa naked and covered in blood.

As you can guess, the unstoppable man in the William Shatner mask is looking to finish the job.

It builds on the modus operandi that Hutchinson introduced in One Good Scare. Michael Myers isn’t 100% about simply showing up and killing everyone in sight. Well, for the less-important people, sure, but what he really likes is confronting his prey, leaving them alive, and then coming back after their fear has ripened.

Next is Halloween: 30 Years of Terror, a double-sized one-shot featuring five short stories. They mostly feel a bit half-baked. “Trick or Treat,” drawn by Danijel Zezelj, is about the old couple who Tommy Doyle and Lindsey Wallace run to during the end of the first movie. While leading to some cool imagery, it ends just as quickly as it begins.

Jim Daly’s “POV” shows Michael murdering a beauty queen for kicks, mainly because that kill has been referenced in other Hutchinson Halloween stories. It’s not really a story. Just a sequence with a gimmick.

Brett Weldele’s “Visiting Hours” is about a girl who has been haunted by young Michael’s gaze for decades and awaits in the sanitarium for him to one day kill her because she’s too crippled by fear to do anything else with her life.

“Tommy and the Boogeyman,” drawn by Jeffrey Zornow and Lee Ferguson, is a weird one. It shows what Tommy Doyle’s up to in this continuity where Paul Rudd’s performance never happened. Part of the short story is a comic-within-the-comic about a cross between the Crypt Keeper and a tarantula, who acts as a more charismatic slasher villain.

Then we see that Tommy is apparently...Joe Quesada? Huh. Anyway, he draws Michael Myers comics.

Then there’s “Repetition Compulsion” with more great Tim Seeley art. It’s another Dr. Loomis thing, once again showing off how Michael is one step ahead of him at all times.

The final Halloween comic is Halloween: The First Death of Laurie Strode with art by Jeff Zornow. The three issue miniseries is supposed to be the link between the end of Halloween II and Laurie’s status quo as of Halloween H20, with Loomis faking a car accident and allowing Michael to believe she’s dead.

It’s a pretty weak comic, all in all, although I love the quick shout-out to Halloween III.

The second issue ends with Laurie watching in horror as Michael kills Jimmy, one of the survivors from Halloween II. That’s all she wrote because Halloween: The First Death of Laurie Strode #3 was never released. There was also hype for a miniseries called Halloween: The Mark of Thorn, co-written by Jeff Katz and meant to be released in 2009, but that got deep-sixed too.

Just as well, really. Hutchinson had nothing left to say. I’ll give him credit, he was able to build a continuity and use his different stories to fill in the blanks, but First Death of Laurie Strode shows the big flaw in his world. He’s too in love with Michael Myers and cares too little about everyone else.

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Laurie comes off as too much of a mopey victim to want to follow. Dr. Loomis is a pathetic loser, constantly railed on for being a failure. Nearly everyone is murdered horribly. And Michael? He’s practically Batman.

And not the good Batman. I mean the hacky, overly-competent Batman who is 100 steps ahead of everyone and never gets punched.

One thing I’ve noticed about reading all the Freddy and Jason comics is that the writers are too into the villains to the point that protagonists aren’t allowed to survive. People survive the movies all the time, but in comics, they have to die violently to tie up these imaginary loose ends. The difference is, Freddy and Jason eat shit all the time, even in these comics where they always win. They’re overpowered, so they’re allowed to get knocked down because it's only temporary.

Hutchinson’s Michael Myers doesn’t get knocked down. Outside of bringing up the explosion at the end of Halloween II, he refuses to ever show anyone getting the drop on Michael ever. The dude is nigh-unkillable. It's okay to let him get hit with a wrench or a car every now and then. He can take it.

At least that initial Halloween comic from Chaos let Tommy outfight him. Yeah, Michael gets back up and wanders off, but we at least get to see someone fight back. It’s rather nice.

So yeah, the Halloween comics have their moments, but they usually try to play it safe too much. Sure, the curse stuff from the middle movies fell on its face, but at least they were trying something creative. Mix it up, man.

I will say this. Despite the comics taking place after the events of Halloween: Resurrection, Michael still never, at any point, chooses to seek out a rematch against Busta Rhymes. Hutchinson’s Michael Myers truly is a smart guy. He knows when he’s beat.

“Trick or treat, motherfucker!”

Gavin Jasper should probably start writing next year's History of Evil Dead Comics article right now because that thing’s going to be ten volumes long. Follow him on Twitter!

Read and download the Den of Geek NYCC 2018 Special Edition Magazine right here!

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animemisogynist · 7 years ago

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Fall 2017 Anime Season Preview

It’s almost time for a new season of anime, so here’s the first installment of what will hopefully become a regular feature here at Anime Misogynist: the season preview, where we tell you what’s worth watching before it’s even aired. Now, most sites are slow and lazy and wait until a show has aired an episode (or even three ghastly episodes, for shame!) to tell you whether or not it’s worth your time. However, here at AniMog we are more evolved; when you’re just using a show as a kind of Rorschach blot for your ideology, do you really need to see any of it before judging? The teaser paragraph and one image should be more than enough; frankly, the show doesn’t even need to be animated yet. Honestly, we could post our Summer 2019 Preview Guide right now. Still, we already wrote this one, so we’ll just go with this for now.

Note that these are not the only shows that are going to air this season, but they’re the only ones worth talking about; all the other shows are stupid nonsense that only chicks and cucks would watch. By the way, did you know “cuck” is the absolute best insult? I don’t know what it means, think maybe it has something to do with poultry, but by God, every time I use it I feel so manly and strong. Don’t be a cuck, cucks watch Gamers.

Returning/Continuing Shows

March Comes in Like a Lion, Season Two—First of all, as we’ve been over before, there are no goddamned lions on this show, which is a damned shame. Imagine if instead of a skinny teen moping around his apartment starving to death and wondering what new futon to buy, this show was about an actual lion that plays Shogi? Like, they go to that stuffy club where all the televised Shogi matches happen, then a Lion prowls in wearing a bowtie, and then someone goes “Why is there a Lion in the stairwell?”, and he’s like, “Despite being leonine, I enjoy a stimulating game of Shogi every now and then, on languid afternoons,” but then halfway through the game he rips out someone’s jugular with his teeth, because he’s the king of the jungle and he has no patience for cerebral board game shit. That sounds like a pretty good show, but alas, it is not this show. Still, this show has Akari, who is really hot and pretty and one of our ideal waifus, so we’re probably going to watch it just for her. Watch if you like motherly, mature waifus, skip if you really want a waifu who will step on you.

Rating: 2/10

Fate/Apocrypha, Continuation—Look, I’m just going to throw something out here, it may sound crazy at first, but hear me out: What if all these people just stopped fighting over the Holy Grail?

I mean, think about it: every time we see the Holy Grail, it’s basically a cancerous tumor that has blown up to the size of a Dairy Queen, and it oozes pure evil in the form of black monster bile that burns your skin like acid. It’s supposed to grant wishes or something, but it’s been corrupted by the venal sins that lurk deep within the heart of man, and now it’s just a giant Bouncy House made of oozy suck. So maybe we could get a bunch of historical and mythical figures together, in these awesome, pimped-out costumes with big swords and lances, and have them do…I don’t know, literally anything BUT fight over the Holy Grail. Like, imagine Saber and Jeanne d’Arc starting a coffee shop, and tell me you would not watch that show in a hot second. It would be like Is the Order A Rabbit?, only with frequent disembowelment instead of a talking bunny.

Oh yeah, and speaking of Jeanne D’arc, it’s cool that she’s in this show: because if there’s one thing misogynists love, it’s seeing martyred young girls get empowered and kick righteous amounts of ass.

Rating: Malevolent Menstrual Tumor/10

Food Wars!, Season Three—An important disclaimer: this season, you can either watch Food Wars!, or one of the bishonen idol shows, but not both. Because if you try to watch both, what’s going to happen is that Food Wars! Is going to make you ravenously hungry, eat everything in sight, and gain 60 pounds. Then you’ll watch Dynamic Chord, and cry manly tears that you just gained a spare tire around your waist and will never have the lithe, willowy physique that men in otome game adaptations have, and in all likelihood, contemplate killing yourself. This is just another way the misandric anime industry tries to brutalize male feelings of self-worth, and we’re warning you now so you can take care of yourself; please practice proper self-care.

Anyway, as to the show itself, it’s pretty okay. There’s lots of fanservice from the girls, but the same girls who provide the fanservice are also awesome chefs who give the lead character a run for his money in the cooking competitions, and that’s messed up. Also, like its many predecessors, including Mister Ajikko and Yakitate! Japan, the show manages to harness all the excitement of shonen battle manga while sidestepping the hetero-masculine trope of using violence as progression, so it’s a good show to watch if you’re some fancy fuck who likes taking sociology classes.

Rating: Veal Piccata/10

Yuuki Yuna wa Yuasha de Aru: Yuuasha no Shou—It’s the second season of Yuuki Yuna, or as we like to call it, Poor Man’s Madoka. Honestly, we never watched the first season, so we have no idea if writing off this show as a Madoka Magica clone is fair, but that seems to be the consensus of opinion on the internet, and that’s all that really matters. Of course, if this show is a lot like Madoka, then it presents misogynists with the same fundamental problem as Madoka: it gives little girls magic and makes them very powerful (Misogyny BAD!), but it also puts those girls in situations where their powers do nothing except make them miserable and suffer horrendous fates (Misogyny GOOD!). Kind of puts us in a delicate position: “Why would you want to watch a show all about girls who kick ass?” “yeah, but they’re being put through a metaphorical meat grinder while they kick ass,” “irrelevant, the point still stands that you are watching a MAGICAL GIRL SHOW, explain this shit.”

So yeah, we’re not sure whether we recommend this show or not. We have someone in the back room crunching the numbers, trying to figure out if it’s more misogynistic to watch a show about females suffering than not to watch it at all on account of the stars being girls, but until we get a preliminary estimate back from our math guy, you’re on your own here.

Rating: Meguca is Suffering/10

Hoozuki’s Coolheadedness, Season Two—There’s a lot to talk about with this show, like the beautiful traditionally-styled Japanese art art, the quirky humor and the ingenuity of making a kind of slow-paced workplace comedy that happens to take place deep within the bowels of hell, but honestly, all that is overshadowed by wondering how the fuck this show even exists. See, there are four categories of anime: Moe anime (cute girls), Ecchi anime (sexy girls), Shonen Jump manga adaptations (shows where people punch each other for several hundred episodes), and Fujobait (shows for desperate-ass chicks.) Occasionally we get something that doesn’t know what the hell it wants to be, like Bungo Stray Dogs, but in general, most anime produced come in one of the aforementioned flavors. Hoozuki’s Coolheadedness is very much its own thing, meaning there’s only one explanation for how this show got made: it’s produced in an alternate dimension where anime has incredible artistic variety.

Maybe in the mysterious and wonderful dimension Hoozuki hails from, there’s an anime for every taste, Harmony Gold never got the rights to Macross, Cowboy Bebop is up to season 147, the director of Kemono Friends wasn’t fired, and Funimation can write an entire dub script without putting in a totally ham-handed reference to intersectionality? Maybe J.J. Abrams died in a horrible lens-flare related accident before he had a chance to announce his adaptation of Your Name? The possibilities are endless!

Come to think of it, that Showa Genroku Rakugo Shinju show must also come from that dimension, since it doesn’t really fit any popular genre molds…neither does Joker Game. Neither does ACCA. Neither does Poco’s Udon World. Neither does The Morose Mononokean. Neither does Barakamon. Neither does Erased.

Hmmph. Either a lot of shows are somehow making it through the portal from the Antimatter Anime Dimension, or modern anime has a lot more variety than most people are giving it credit for. Must be lax security on those interdimensional portals….

Rating: Makes us question the nature of the multiverse/10

Himouto Umaru-Chan R (second season)—We love Umaru-chan! All hail goddess Umaru! Actually, we hate this show with a passion, because if it was gender-swapped and it was about an otaku dude who was a bum at home and acted like an asshole toward his sibling, everyone would call him a pathetic loser, but because Umaru’s a chick, it’s fine; just another example of this glaring double-standard at work. However, if the last time this show aired is anything to go by, in about a week from now every inch of the internet is going to be wallpapered with GIFs of chibi-Himaru rolling around in her Snuggie, guzzling liters of Coke, and you just can’t fight that level of media saturation. Like, it’s going to be that insufferable “Dude turning around to check out another woman while walking with his gf” meme, only the girlfriend is Umaru-chan, the other woman is also Umaru-chan, and even the cheating dude is Umaru-chan, but slightly taller. So in this case we’re adopting a philosophy of “If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em,” and pretending to be huge fans of the show; only dedicated AniMog readers will know that we’re actually liking it ironically, HAHAHAHAHAHAH. Because watching a show ironically is COMPLETELY different from just watching it normally, and earns you coolness points from God.

All that said we will (ironically) enjoy watching Umaru do her lazy secret otaku thing, and (ironically) enjoy the sundry references to otaku culture that the show will surely make. We look forward to the (completely insincere) joy we will experience with this series once again.

Rating: 11/10 (wink)

Idolmaster Side M—Once upon a time, idol anime were about cute girls, and all was right with the world. Then some schmuck decided to make an Idolmaster anime about guys, and it’s like, really? Wasn’t idol anime supposed to be the last area of anime that was just for the enjoyment of creepy dudes, now creepy chicks have displaced creepy dudes as the target audience? What are all the creepy dudes supposed to do now? Jump down a well?

Really, the way these idol anime objectify young men makes us sick, especially knowing it’s all being done for the enjoyment of drooling fujoshis who would probably die if they had to talk to a real guy IRL. At least there’s only one of these problematic male idol shows this season.

Rating: Hard to find a good well to jump down/10

New Shows

Dynamic Chord—Wait, actually there’s two problematic male idol shows this season, and this is the other one (and also, the show you should absolutely NOT WATCH if you’re going to do the Food Wars! thing.) From cursory inspection, it seems like a poor gal’s version of Uta no Prince-sama, and even UtaPri is a poor gal’s version of UtaPri, if you know what I mean. At least UtaPri has that slowly mounting tension as you wait for Evil Succubus Nanami to show her true colors and start snacking on the guys’ entrails, but it doesn’t look like there’s any of that intrigue here: just an endless stream of handsome, objectified males for women to put on a pedestal and deepen their aversion to real, flesh-and-blood men. At least there’s only TWO of these problematic male idol shows this seas--OH WAIT, FUCK--

TsukiPro The Animation-- God is a Fujoshi, and we live at her pleasure; That’s the only explanation. Even if we were to die, there would be no escape from armies of emaciated male idols crooning insipid JPOP for all eternity. If you want a vision of the future, imagine a singing, pink-haired bishounen in a sparkly tuxedo stepping on a dude’s face, forever.

Rating: Orwell Reference WE SO CULTURED/10

My Girlfriend is a Faithful Virgin Bitch—Okay, we are not falling for it this time. You’d think a show that goes so far as to call the female lead a bitch in the title would be a field day for misogynists, but whenever anime promises us a show that seems like it’s for us, it’s always a damned trap. Remember when Keijo!!!!!!!! was supposedly this super-misogynist show, so much so that trashy online magazines were writing hit pieces on it? How did that turn out? Oh right, the female fanbase was so fucking empowered by that show they went out and invented a whole new sport. If that show was supposed to make women feel bad about themselves and stay home, then someone was asleep at the fucking wheel there, ya think? Oh, and remember a few years back, when people were all offended over The Pet Girl of Sakurasou because of the titular “pet” girl, thinking the girl was being treated poorly, and the show turned out to be about creative genius and the psychological toll it takes on the people geniuses rely on for support? And remember when people said that Kuma Miko was…wait...well, okay that show WAS hella misogynist, but that was like, the one time. It was bound to happen once.

Anyway, the point is that we no longer believe shows that dangle the promise of wymyn-hating in front of us like a carrot. More likely, “Virgin Bitch” will end up being about how women will dominate the STEM fields of the future, and the Virgin Bitch will only be a virgin because she’s too busy developing a new form of clean energy from discarded takoyaki containers to have any time for sex.

Rating: WTF is a “Shobitch?”/10

Anime-Gataris—It’s a show about an anime club, kind of like Genshiken from the sound of it. Except, you know how at the beginning, Genshiken was mainly about dudes, but by the end it was a couple of sweaty fujoshi yelling about whether or not bald dudes were hot? Well life seems to be imitating art here, because we have now reached the point where our “anime nerds go act like nerds” shows are all-female. I mean, I hate to be a broken record here, since we’ve already railed about the tragedy of the generic male leads in Magical Girlfriend shows being replaced with women, but seriously, what roles are left for males? Soon the only dudes left are going to be Boruto’s Dad’s son, whoever Gintama is, and the baby seal from Go! Go! Goma-chan, assuming he is even a boy…I mean, how would you know? I wouldn’t know where to even look on a seal, to be honest.

Rating: Location of Seal Penis?/10

Net-juu no Susume—“Gee, Anime Misogynist is exaggerating here. Some of the roles traditionally filled by men in anime are opening up to female characters, sure, but it’s not like it’s happening everywhere or anything.” Yeah okay, this show is about a 30-something loser gamer NEET, the role that men were born to play, only the main character now has a blasted uterus, ARE YOU MAYHAPS NOTICING A PATTERN HERE GENIUS?

Rating: Soon Boruto Will Be All We Have Left/10

Black Clover—Yaaay, it’s a show with a male lead who isn’t an objectified pop singer! Except it’s one of those shows where a guy wants to become a great magician, and how many of those have there been already? At least with The Irregular at Magic High School people could sidestep the dullness of the premise by arguing on Twitter over whether or not Ayn Rand was smoking crack back in the day, but I doubt we’ll get any such stimulating political discussions here. Apparently the hero gains the power of Anti-Magic, so maybe he’ll be like Touma from A Certain Magical Index, and this show is just a means to an end until we get the inevitable Railgun-esque sequel that focuses entirely on the female cast? Fuck, that’s probably exactly what’s going to happen. Skip this show and stop the next Raildex loli phenomenon before it starts: only YOU can prevent another Kuroko.

Rating: Only My Railgun Is A Good Song Tho/10

UQ Holder: Mahou Sensei Negima! 2—If you think this is the kind of blog that does actual research before we post anything, then I have some very bad news for you. However, after the extremely minimal amount of online goofing off we did before writing this post, we got the impression that this is based on the manga Ken Akamatsu really wanted to make, when he made Negima!, only he had to make Negima! first for some reason? Or maybe the second half of Negima! was the manga he really wanted to make, and this is the sequel to the thing he wanted to make, so he super-duper-wanted to make it? Not really clear on the details here. However, if what we remember about Akamatsu from the Love Hina era is still valid, what he REALLY wants to do is play MMORPGS all day, so we should let his show fail so he can do that; that’s what he wants, deep down, probably.

Rating: Let Gamers Game/10

Wake Up, Girls! Shin Shou—It’s more WUG, the idol show that somehow keeps getting made despite the fact that idol fans hate it and no one else will touch it with a ten-foot pole. How do these seasons keep getting funded? Maybe it’s one of nature’s mysteries, like how bumblebees can somehow fly despite the fact that the calculations show that they really shouldn’t be able to. We’d say that it comes from the AntiMatter Anime Dimension, except that whole concept is predicated on the notion that the people who live in that dimension have shockingly good taste. At least by its very presence, this show is balancing out the alarming number of male idol shows this season, but to be honest, if WUG is your only alternative for idol waifus, you may as well just turn gay already.

Rating: Taste the Rainbow/10

Urahara—It’s about three girls who want to protect Harjuku’s culture from some evil aliens, somehow. Now it would be one thing if it was say, Akiba culture they were protecting, but Harajuku? Isn’t Harajuku all gothic Lolita fashion and shit, like chicks wearing those tiny little top hats on their heads that are about five times too small to be actual hats, and their heads must be really chilly? We’re watching this show to root for the aliens, because seriously FUCK those tiny little hats, take them into space, either wear a fucking hat on your head or don’t

Rating: Extraterrestrials and Questionable Haberdashery/10

Juuni Taisen—Having done no research, we don’t know anything about this show, but at first glance, it appears to be a ripoff of Fate/Stay Night, only themed around the Chinese Zodiac instead of badass historical figures holding pointy things. In that case, we’re going to give this show the same advice we gave to Fate/Apocrypha: Stop fighting over the Holy Grail, it’s overrated! Unless this is the one instance where the Chinese knock-off is better than the original, in which case, as you were, gentlemen.

Rating: Incoming Hate Mail From China/10

Blend S— On a surface level, this show sounds good; a girl takes a job as a waitress at a role-playing café, and she gets assigned the role of a extreme sadist, so maybe we can anticipate some sexy dominatrix-type action. However, once you think about it, the premise falls apart; we finally get an anime about a dominatrix, only the girl doesn’t know what she’s doing. She’s probably going to be all sweet and kind and innocent, and only in episode 12 will she get five seconds where she acts the part properly. The entire show is probably going to be about her coming into her own budding sexuality or whatever, in a totally healthy way, and it’ll be about as kinky as an episode of pre-HBO Sesame Street (don’t get us started on what HBO did to our girl Abby Cadabby.)

Dammit, remember that show Amanchu! from a few seasons back that was supposed to be about scuba diving, but the bitches didn’t even really go scuba diving until episode 12? Why can’t we have a show be about what it says it’s about from episode 1? Is that really too fucking much to ask?

Rating: Make a Goddamned Commitment to Your Premise, Please/10

Kujira no Kora wa Sajou ni Utao—We interrupt your regularly scheduled Anime Misogynist to bring you something that has nothing do with misogyny, but really should be mentioned. The synopsis of this show says that the main character is an archivist on a floating island called Mud Whale. “Mud Whale.” There is only one way this came about:

J.C. Staff Executive 1: “Damn, we only have 3 shows so far this season, and according to the venerable J.C. Staff Company Charter, we must have at least four. Anyone got any pitches for another show?”

J.C. Staff Executive 2: “I have two words for you: Mud Whale.”

J.C .Staff Executive 1: “Get me a script by Monday. And that’s why we’re the best goddamned cartoon company in this industry, kids.” *puffs on huge cigar* “Eat your heart out, Kyoto Animation.”

Rating: Inspiring anime studio fanfiction/10

FILMS

Free! Take Your Marks—If you somehow resisted the urge for self-harm Dynamic Cord and its brethren inspired in you, you can go to your local cinema and torture yourself with images of the perfect abs of the Free! boys. Being Free!, presumably this film will be filled with lots of striking images of lean, beautiful boys swimming in beautiful, sparkling swimming pools, so it’s maybe worth watching if you have some kind of a fantasy about belonging to a really nice country club that doesn’t allow fat people. Otherwise, avoid like the plague.

Rating: TOXIC MALE BODYSHAMING/10

Fate/Stay Night [Heaven’s Feel] 1. Presage Flower—What number adaptation of the same 2004 visual novel are we up to already? They’ve been making these F/SN anime for over a decade, and it’s not like they’re adapting a whole sequence of visual novels or something; they’re literally adapting different parts of the same game. For a decade. This is where Fate fans jump up and say “But Heaven’s Feel is about Sakura and Rider, it’s TOTALLY different than Fate and UBW!” You mean to tell me that somewhere during the last five anime productions in this franchise, they couldn’t have found some time for Sakura and Rider? Maybe they could have edited out those scenes in Fate/Zero when people just walked in circles around each other and smirked, then they would have had enough time for poor little Sakura to have her day in the sun.

The fact that this franchise has been dragged out for so long, with so much repetition (since there’s a lot of overlap between the routes) is by far the worst thing about it—and we’re saying this about a series where King Arthur has been known to experience menstrual cramps. Oh, and stop fighting over the Holy Grail, it blows.

Rating: As I Pray, Unlimited Adaptation SpamWorks/10

TV Short

Taishou Chicchai-san: The Bad News: it’s based on a Boys Love game, because as previously established, God is a Fujoshi and she’s also a greedy bitch who wants all anime to herself. The Good News: it takes place during the Taishou era (1912-1926), so everyone involved is probably going to die of cholera before things get super-gay.

Rating: They could also die of polio/10

Osake wa Fuufu ni Natte Kara: A short anime about a tipsy wife who enjoys her husband’s cocktails, because apparently someone thought I Can’t Understand What My Husband is Saying had too ambitious a premise and they needed to scale it back. Why is she the only one enjoying his cocktails though? Does he ever get any cocktails? Maybe it’s a “she cooks, he makes the drinks,” situation, but you know damned well there is no cooking going on, lazy ass drunk girl is probably microwaving Healthy Choice meals for him every night. And is that a filling dinner? No, it is not, he will likely be hungry again by 9 p.m.

Rating: File for divorce/10

OVAS

Is The Order a Rabbit? Dear My Sister—We don’t actually care about this show, but we feel the need to point out something that’s been bugging us for years; shouldn’t the name of this show be localized as “Did Somebody Order a Rabbit?” Wouldn’t that be a much catchier English title, with proper syntax and whatnot? Anyway, if you like watching cute girls drink coffee, this franchise is basically the Citizen Kane of cute girls drinking coffee, so knock yourself out, I guess.

Rating: Also there is a tea shop/10

Encouragement of Climb, Omoide Present—This may come as a surprise, but Encouragement of Climb may just be our most hated anime here at Anime Misogynist. Why? Well, if we have to live in a world where the premise of 99% of anime is “cute girls do a thing,” the least they can do is try something awesome, like climbing mountains (although, to be fair, “Cute girls ride thoroughly realistic armored tanks,” is pretty good too.) So we had high hopes for this show, only to discover that this show’s version of “climbing” is what your Great-Aunt Estelle from Boca Raton considers a leisurely stroll. Seriously, these girls buy backpacks and sundry equipment from Campmor, only to do these little pedestrian hikes on gentle hills that even toddlers and the elderly can do. If the premise of the show is mountain climbing, then for God’s sake, climb Everest. Climb K2; take your hobby SERIOUSLY, dammit. But no, Encouragement of Climb makes the Boy Scout Jamboree look like the absolute epitome of outdoor sportsmanship.

Now that there’s a new OVA, we can only hope this show is going to do what it should have done in the first place, and show the girls climbing an actual fucking mountain, like with climbing spikes and ropes and….oh. Oh. Oh God, no. Just saw the preview and what does it say? “The OVA centers on a certain item that relates to the memories of Aoi and Hinata.” They ain’t gonna climb SHIT, are they? Fuck you, Encouragement of Climb, you could have encouraged us to climb but you never have and you never will.

Rating: DISCOURAGED/10

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We hope that this timely feature will help you navigate the confusing and sometimes scary smorgasbord of swiftly moving drawings available this season. Now would be the standard time to request that you donate to our Patreon, except as sitting board members on the International Council of Patriarchy, we have no use for something as plebeian as currency. If you would still like to support Anime Misogynist, because you are a nice and high-quality person, please let all your friends know about the value of looking at anime through a misogynist lens: the nuanced, rigorous media criticism of the future.

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