#Oh and fuck those who don’t believe a victim of abuse the first freaking time!

[confessionsofa-roleplayer]

I just saw "don't interact with me if you write - insert dark themes here - get help" in someone's rules and "don't interact if you write - insert dark themes here - you're gross / a freak / etc. etc." in someone else's, and I'm...not even surprised. The first sign of being unable to tell the difference between reality and fiction is assuming no one else can. It's assuming that writing these themes means you're secretly a supporter of them or engage in them in real life, instead of being able to recognize the clear and present divide between what people write and what they believe in. Ironically, this is never, ever, applied to torture or murder or cannibalism or even stalking. No, those are completely fine! No one who writes about those themes condones them or encourages others to engage in them. But somehow, the minute this veers into incest territory or sexual assault is mentioned, these people take up arms against you, and assume you're a perverted psychopath. And if you happen to write about child abuse or assault of a child, then congratulations, you're a pedophile now! A predator everyone has to avoid who has callouts written about them! I really wish those people would devote their time to being useful instead. If you're so goddamn obsessed with the rights and sensitivities of victims then go out there and help them. Donate to charities. Volunteer at shelters. Haul your ass off your cheeto-covered couch, take a fucking shower, and make yourself useful for a change. Or you know, go and bully that published fantasy author who writes sexual assault, child sexual assault, slavery, prostitution, child marriage, incest, pedophilia, and every other similar theme under the sun, and somehow has a massive following, an ultra popular TV series and just put out a new TV series in the same universe that everyone is equally obsessed with. Oh, you don't dare to? Then leave online strangers to write what they want in their pretend writing time, and quit being an ass.

[caithyra]

I’m suuuure he’s shocked /s

GRRM: “Oh woes! I have created a perfect and supporting family for my main characters and I need conflict to make it interesting! What could possibly ruin a good family?”

GRRM: “Ah! A girly girl, of course!” *Creates Sansa.* “And a traitorous bitch at that who would chose to support and protect her child over her birth family who do not rely on her for protection! Surely all shall realize what a bad person she is! It’s not like her own mother would be condemned for abandoning a child that’s not even her own!” *Creates first outline.* “But wait! She shall be prepubescent at the start of the story...” *Starts creating the actual story.* “I shall introduce her through the resentful tomboy’s perspective! And I shall have grown men slobbering over this prepubescent girly girl because we all know that’s ~*historically accurate*~! Oh, people do not like her? I am shocked! Shocked!”

Like, it says a lot about a narrative that when the author wants to create conflict and shake up a healthy family dynamic in a supremely patriarchal world, that he introduces a prepubescent, feminine sister who is unfavored by her father compared to her tomboy sister (even Sansa’s betrothal is a sham even if it would have made her future queen-in-waiting. If everything went as Ned planned, her virtue would have been ruined on the Trident and after he breaks the betrothal with Joff by accusing him of being a bastard, Sansa’s play-acting at love and having been alone with Joff would have ruined her for good, future prospects and the best she would get is either a disinherited second son who no one else wants to marry or a jumped up house who wants some blue blood like the Freys, Baelishes or Westerlings-Spicers that no one important likes.

Arya, by being younger, and more like Lyanna, would have gotten the queenhood and crown prince by Robert’s second wife after Cersei is disposed of, since Robert really wants to marry his child to Ned’s children, so no one better tell me that Ned ever put Sansa ahead of Arya the same he puts Arya ahead of Sansa. He freaking hides behind his prepubescent daughter’s skirts while investigating what he believes are ruthless murderers who had no qualms killing the most powerful men in the realm in a hyper-patriarchy! And it is the other daughter he warns about dangers and gives lessons in fighting! Like what was Ned thinking would happen with Sansa? Did he even care? Did he think he could just sweep it under rugs and forget it? She will need to marry within recent memory of her scandalous conduct since she’ll be twenty in less than a decade! And marriageable age in Westeros is 16! And yet the fandom goes “Poor Ned to have that traitorous bitch for a daughter~” “She should have listened to Ned who never spoke to her and explained himself or the world wouldn’t be ending~” “I don’t hate Sansa but she was sooo stupid for not blindly obeying her loving father who punishes her for her sister’s sins and never explains himself~” is it any wonder my patience with Ned Stark’s parental fuck ups ran out? Congrats, fandom, you made me hate him by excusing his fuck ups and blaming them on his daughter all the time!).

GRRM tries to make it gray, but he knows full well what kind of audience he writes to when he writes the relationships between Cat and Jon, and Arya and Sansa and should have compensated.

Hell, he should have made Joff a good person, prince and promising future king that most girls would like to marry, only to show that’s not what Ned cares about (after all, unless Ned wants Sansa to be abused like half the fandom, he had no idea that Joff was bad when he betrothed them), he cares about birth and truth and “High As Honor” over practical things like “Winter is Coming and Staying for Ten Freezing Years and Does Not Care Who Sits On the Throne So Lets Not Start a Civil War with One of the Most Powerful Families in the Realm, hm?”.

I mean, no one likes Drizzt Do’Urden’s sisters/mother/the matriarchy as a whole, do they? The Dark Elf Trilogy predates ASoIaF by six years, and should have shown a competent writer exactly what the state of womanhood in the Fantasy genre was like. And if you’re going “well, the matriarchy is evil!” I would like to point out that people hate Cattie-brie who is not part of that matriarchy. Yeah. There’s a reason why Menzoberranzan could be written that way and published and become popular, and it was not that Fantasy readers love and support and makes the effort to identify with and understand female characters (nor does most authors, come to think of it... see female friendships in ASoIaF that are without any sexual, incest, or abusive~ Like Arianne and Tyene being as close as sisters in the Later Books Which Are Not Early Installment Weirdness... Oh wait...).

Heck, in the Belgariad, another series predating both of them, things were more subtle but hardly better for female characters; Polgara is a mother figure who gets to have a moment of being imperfect, but to anyone reading the story, it is clear that Garion is the true victim in the circumstances and conspiracies Polgara’s family has woven around him, and that his anger is the immediate reaction of finding out the truth (he just found out how/why he was orphaned and now has the world on his shoulders! And the characters bag on him for not being understanding of the 1000s of years old woman who lied to him and now is sulking. It is blatantly obvious to the readers that it is not the male character in the wrong). The less said about Ce´Nedra (half hyper-sexual dryad, spoiled princess who wants bigger breasts, et cetera) the better. Heck, the less said about the lovable oaf of the hero group committing marital rape on his estranged wife to cure her of being a bitch and turn her loving the better.

The Narnia books predates even that, and Sansa’s direct parallel is Susan, and, yeah... “A silly and vain young woman” with “Plenty of time to mend” sounds very familiar when you hear how people blame Sansa and wants to force her into abusive marriages with repulsive men to mend her.

Not to mention that in Lord of the Rings and related works women are either paragons of virtue, evil, unnamed or are chastised for being ambitious, with a few, notable exceptions allowed to make “wrong” choices, and, well, just see the Elwing discourse in fandom and how her murderers who kidnapped and kept her children (Elrond and Elros, yes, that Elrond for those not familiar with Tolkien’s Legendarium and only watched the movies) as hostages are their ~*real parents*~ after committing a third almost-genocide against her people.

Yeah, no. GRRM doesn’t get to pretend he’s shocked and/or confused by his readers’ reception to Sansa (and Cat). He does not live, read nor write in a vacuum. This shit has been part of Fantasy fandom since long before ASoIaF was an errant idea in his head.

[trilies]

Someone tried to come up with a “sfwrarepair week” for a fandom i’m in because they had problems with the mods of the actual rarepair week shutting down wank and being open to all rarepairs

but their interest post was, like. terrible.

and i had to write a super long response to it because it frustrated me so much, with the op clearly not caring about actual csa survivors despite ~wanting to help them~

but then the post disappeared from the main tag and i couldn’t reblog the post even from the op’s original site and so this has just been hanging around in a plurk paste i’ve had open for weeks now, so i figured i should just fling it out there because i’m not wasting that work lmao

This post (and if I’m honest, the base idea) is actually harmful to actual CSA survivors and I’d like to call attention to this, especially since the OP isn’t giving the impression that they’re interested in the words of an actual CSA survivor.

I’m going to go in order of the post to give my criticism.

1. “being a safespace for minors, csa victims, incest survivors, people of color, LGBT individuals, etc.”

If this were just about making people feel safe, then there would be zero need to judge or insult people outside the group as occurs repeatedly throughout this post - the focus would be on the people IN the group.

For that matter, you wouldn't make an open call for a group like this anyway because the people in it would all have different comfort levels, so you can't just go "oh all this content will be safe for you" - you don't even know what their needs are yet. How can you guarantee that?

“Safe” ships, even those defined by the OP, can still be written in a way that is triggering or problematic.

Triggers aren't just in what the relationship is, they can be in the subject matter or the theme or what happens in the fic and it's like...okay, how much are you screening for? How are you protecting your members beyond just screening what ships are allowed?

A group actually meant to help abuse survivors, people with triggers, etc would not just have a flat set of rules set out before it's even got members, it would be organically constructed with consideration to the people in it and what their specific needs are.

That is only speaking of CSA and incest survivors as well... because that’s all this post suggests. It offers nothing in terms of how it would explicitly help queer fans, or fans of color. What it does offer for CSA survivors? (The only one I would say I am qualified to speak of in terms of experience.) Only vague platitudes that, from my perspective, only apply to the ideal of CSA survivors. Not actual CSA survivors, like those who do ship things you don’t approve of because it helps them recover.

Which actually leads us to

2. “this means there would not be ANY pedophilic [...] ships”

First of all, as a CSA survivor: stop using “pedophilia” as a description for fictional ships. This dilutes both the actual meaning and the seriousness of the word, which in turn harms actual victims as that word is robbed from them. Use an actual definition.

Because that’s the second issue with this statement, in that there is no actual definition given. That is a problem in the current fandom climate because, along with diluting the seriousness of the word, the meaning now varies wildly from person to person.

By “pedophilic”, do you mean a ship featuring someone 18 or up with someone beneath that age? What about characters where it’s unclear, such as Xanxus, who was frozen at age 16 and one could argue that he’s still that age? Or that he’s not because anime? What about with a gimmick that features time travel, such as the canon instance of Hana liking TYL Lambo and not recognizing or liking him as 5 year old Lambo? Where do the Arcobaleno fit in any of this?

By “pedophilic”, do you mean any ships featuring characters that are under the age of 18? Is it only pedophilic if it’s an 18+ adult shipping them? How are you going to check for that? What about the canon time travel used as both a gimmick and an arc?

Other types who allege they’re against “pedophilic ships” have said that it’s any ship with a height difference, any age difference at all even if the characters are still both adults, if a character’s boobs are too small, if a character isn’t smart. And, yes, those are all things I’ve actually seen!

Or will you oblige anyone who claims a particular ship is pedophilic?

This vagueness is a problem. Admittedly, the vagueness was not started by you, but it was started by people who claimed the same intentions as you, OP, and if you’re going to make a claim that you want to help CSA survivors, then you need to be far more clear than this.

3. [the same thing but re: incest]

Admittedly, I’ve seen this as less of a problem with misusing incest, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t seen it at all. You may want to clarify that you mean explicit blood relations (for example, Bianchi and Gokudera) or... Well, I can’t recall anyone explicitly adopted, but the idea is the same there. None of the “they referred to each other as brothers, ignoring how that’s often used in a way that has nothing to do with incest, but so that makes it totally incest”.

4. “ otherwise harmful ships”

This is the largest red flag out of everything, and we’re not even past the first rule in the original post. This has a similar problem to everything else about this list of not-allowed ship, only it’s much worse because it’s target is arguably everything.

What do you mean by “harmful”, OP?

Do we judge “harmful” because of the characters, or because of the ship?

How will you regulate this incredibly harmful descriptor so that it isn’t misappropriated by bullies and harassers to silence fans, whether as them as a person or what they ship? Because I can guarantee you that I could come up with any completely bullshitted reason to hate on every single character or ship combination from KHR, and others easily could as well for malicious reasons.

This is a frankly terrible rule and, considering the kind of rampant bullying that comes from people who like to claim they’re against ““pedophilic”“ ships against CSA victims, I do not trust it. I do not trust it at all.

5. “this blog would NOT be in “competition” or in any kind of rivalry with the original khr rarepair week blog”

Now this is either an outright lie, or someone who has not considered their own words, and I could not tell you which is worse when it comes to a declaration of a “safe space” for minorities or people with trauma like CSA and incest survivors.

The entire original post ABSOLUTELY positions itself as competition to the actual khr rarepair week, not an alternative. Not only does it position itself as “competition”, but it tries to sell itself to people as the “better choice”.

It’s an attempt at a bit of sleight of hand. The post tries to show itself as friendly, just here to help people... But, as I stated before, if it really had an interest in helping people, it would focus on those people.

Instead, numerous times, you see the OP making judgment calls and negative comments to others - mainly implications of people participating in the actual khr rarepair week. There’s a series of connections throughout the entire post:

We start with “pedophilic ships” being banned to “help” CSA survivors in the first rule, and then leap from that to, in the second rule, “people who don’t feel comfortable in an event run by people who support pedo ships”.

(Reminder: still no idea on what ““pedo”“ ships even are by OP’s definition.)

So we’ve already started by associating the people participating in the regular khr rarepair week as the problem, instead of people simply not being comfortable with just the ships themselves - fictional things that are easily avoided.

Then, at the very end, the OP makes the explicit connection between ““pedo”“ ships and “freaks”.

So is the connection clear yet? The way they steadily escalate things until the implication at the very end? How that all does its best to frame KHR Rarepair Week as a negative? As something that Good People (tm) would never do unless they “must”? The implication that their “SFW” rarepair week is better?

So for the OP to claim they’re not trying to start anything, while their entire post ramps up the connection between khr rarepair week and Terrible Things (tm), is a... dubious claim at best.

The rest of the post isn’t that big a deal. It serves perfectly fine as a base interest check for half of it. However, the other half? That other half set off warning flags so intensely for me as a CSA survivor that I couldn’t stay quiet. I’m not saying this to be a “troll”, or to start trouble for no reason.

Additionally, that good half is tarnished by the problems of the bad half. If these are the red flags I feel they are, then that means if there are people in the group who harass others - I can already spot what-the-fuck-khr in there, a notable harasser who has called a CSA survivor a slur - then it weakens the promise to make this a truly safe space.

It’s simply that I’ve seen a lot of people claim they care about CSA survivors, a lot of fans who try to prop people like me up to signal their own virtue, only for them to turn around and lash out at CSA survivors like myself when we do not exist as only a prop, when we step a toe out of line.

If that happens again, then I don’t want anyone to be caught in that, especially some of the wonderful people I’m familiar with in the tags, such as [blank] or [blank]. I see a lot of red flags in there that I’ve seen harm other people when left unchecked.

If people want to give this a shot as run by the OP, that’s their right, and I wouldn’t take that away from them. I believe it is important to help and look after CSA survivors, especially us for one another. However, I feel like these criticisms are something anyone going for this should keep in mind, especially if they’re not CSA survivors.

Maybe I’m wrong about all of this. I will freely admit that the original post set me off something awful. Maybe some of my concerns are merely because this is an interest check post, and there wasn’t time for the OP to go indepth on just what they think “pedophilic” ships actually are, etc.

If that’s the case, then I’ll gladly have a discussion with the OP, if they truly care about CSA survivors and what is harmful to them. I’ll recant if I can be reassured this is all in good faith, and even support this endeavor.

However, as a CSA survivor, this post as it is worries and frustrates me.

[janiedean]

hello dearest (not) anon, excuse me if I don’t reply to you directly but as I want to block each single one of you I’ll keep the original so I can lovingly delete it after I’m finished. :)

now, I was this tempted to just delete or troll you, but as y’all have honestly seemed to not realize that you’ve gone overboard and that I didn’t want to get further involved with this dumb shipwar but you’re basically making me go like

so fine, whatever, I’ll address this one because it has all the single dumbest arguments we could have and I kind of want it for safekeeping, so.

point one: starting an ask with you freaks and then complain we don’t complain about jaime calling brienne ugly makes me wonder if you actually re-read your asks before you send them or if you even bother to make sure they’re internally coherent, because sorry but you’re basically saying this entire fandom is made of **freaks** which last I know was not a compliment to anyone’s aesthetic, so you already don’t have ground to stand on;

point two: stupid is actually a universally degrading word when referred to a specific person and used to undermine their intelligence, especially if continuously repeated. now, in *itself* it’s not damning - an argument can be stupid, a discussion can be stupid (I mean I’ve seen people savagely arguing over who had to wash the dishes, that’s a stupid reason to argue with anyone), a law can be stupid (all of italian bureaucracy is definitely a challenge for anyone for one), of course it’s all about how it’s used. for one, if used ironically and not meaning it, as in ‘my stupid son charging against dragons’, it’s not damning either, because wow, wait a moment, every single person who says that also knows that jaime is doing that out of ptsd fight instinct and that there’s nothing funny about it, but as we are people outside the narrative who love the character, we don’t mean it in a demeaning way. obviously charging at a dragon is suicidal, and it’s exactly what he’d have done (probably also in book canon I’ll give them that), but we all know why he did it, and btw dork is nowhere near on the same level as the stupidest lannister, it can be meant positively as well and tbh it’s used way more positively than that - I mean, there’s dorks in love and idiots in love as ao3 tags, no one uses them to insult the people in the ship they’re writing about now, do they? however, the whole thing about ‘the stupidest lannister’ is completely different because it implies cersei, someone jaime trusts implicitly and who’s his sister and, to him, also his lover and his other half - going by your own/their own definition - continuously demeaning his intelligence. now, I don’t think you quite realize how emotional abuse works or how that works, but let me tell you: if people you are that close with or have a fundamental impact in your upbringing (your parents, your siblings, your first teachers etc.) tell you that all the time, you end up believing that. and what comes with it? if you think you’re more stupid then them, then it means that their decisions will be better than yours because you’re too dumb to take them properly and they’re not, and you won’t even start to wonder that maybe they’re wrong and you’re right, and it’s an exceedingly common thing that happens between abusers and their victims, ie convincing them that they’re not smart enough to know what’s good for themselves, and so coming from cersei who also doesn’t want jaime to put two and two together and realize he’s a different person from her and actually, worse, doesn’t even consider the possibility that he might actually not be a different person from her, it’s straight up emotional abuse of the ugliest kind and it has nothing to do with *fans of the character* calling him a dork over his utter lack of smoothness when hitting on people, because we know why he doesn’t know how to hit on people. other than that, in the show they made jaime canonically dyslexic. now, if you even don’t get that calling someone stupid for thirty years will do a great fucking lot of damage to them (I mean, I’ve been told I was snobbish for three years by a teacher I didn’t even particularly admire in my formative years and I still have to finish unpacking the consequence of that shit, I can’t imagine being constantly demeaned by your relatives or people you trust implicitly) I doubt you’ll realize the fucking wrongness depths of the implication that the only lannister with a canon in-show learning disability is *the stupidest lannister* especially when there’s still the stigma about dyslexic people being dumb because *they can’t read* when that’s not true at all and they just need different ways of approaching a text and then they’re good to go and it has nothing to do with how smart or no they aren’t, but I’m going to tell you: it’s ableist as hell, falls under harmful stereotypes about dyslexic people that tv shows should go against, not reinforce and it has really disgusting connotations, so excuse me if I am pressed about it and other people are pressed about it and your opinion belongs in the trash and I really hope you’re not a teacher not are planning to become one;

point three: now we go at how you don’t get at all how those two work and how brienne’s character is structured, but here, let me explain you: a) jaime calls her ugly when they meet and after he loses the hand he only calls her ugly in his head and/or to her face when he’s irritated or she has misunderstood his intentions or he feels hurt by the fact that she misunderstood his intentions (when he gives her oathkeeper in the books), and in the show he stopped mid S3. on the other side, she calls him an oathbreaker and all the worst things she can call him - if you missed it, they insult each other and they start their relationship thinking the worst of the other person, and even with that he spends the entire first chapter of his in asos checking her out but you didn’t notice that I suppose; b) jaime does not call her ugly at all after he punches ronnet connington and in the show again he hasn’t since mid s3, and given that they were supposed to start as enemies and she insulted him right back, I won’t be here being pressed about them trading insults when the entire point of the story is that they stop insulting each other after they get to know each other and get closer to each other, or have you missed that too? c) the fact that he calls her ugly is actually narratively important because let me explain you something that you don’t know because you obv. haven’t read brienne’s chapters: most of the time she remembers being hurt by other men when it comes to her feelings, it’s when she found out they lied to her about her looks. she got her first trauma related to her looks when her septa told her that people who called her pretty were lying, and she got hurt during the bet with hyle and so on because those people were courting her and telling her nice things and then they were all planning on screwing her literally and metaphorically, so if someone went to brienne and told her ‘oh hey you look hot as hell let’s bang!!’, she wouldn’t believe them. let me guarantee you, she wouldn’t. the fact that jaime did not compliment her at all if not going all the way around to do it about her fighting prowess and maskerading it as insults means that he never lied to her about her looks or about anything, and the fact that then he changes and genuinely respects her and trusts in her and gives her THE THING SHE’S WANTED MOST IN HER LIFE ie a sword and a knightly quest and someone actually believing she could be a knight and carry out her vows instead of thinking she was a joke weights a lot more than any insult he might have thrown at her in the past and actually, she can trust him to not make fun of her/she can know for sure he’s not joking exactly because he never had a problem with calling her ugly (which she knows she is according to westeros beauty standards in the beginning) nor to tell her mean things when he thought them, and so since he never lied to her before and she can see that he changed, she has no reason to think he could or would lie to her after, and considering that most of her trauma is tied to having been lied to in that sense... sorry but no, it doesn’t bother me at all because if it’s an enemies to lovers kind of trope I really don’t think I’d expect him to gift her flowers at their first meeting. I mean, *enemies* to *lovers* implies that at the beginning they don’t like each other, or did you forget that words have meanings? also, hairy is not an insult. I suppose that for people who insult other people about the peach fuzz mustache most women have it would be an insult, but let me tell you: it’s not. and given that I’ve seen posts over posts about how it’s an expression of feminism to not shave I really think you haven’t even checked that discourse lately - personally I don’t care for it but like, having body hair is not automatically a crime nor a reason why you’re unattractive. get lost. and like, excuse me if insults traded by people who didn’t know each other and that they both outgrew when they did know each other are nowhere near on the same level of making someone think they’re too fucking stupid to take their own decisions and always have to follow someone else’s lead, and excuse me if I’m way more than mildly worried that anyone in this fandom would look at that stupidest lannister bullshit and actually don’t feel horrified at it.

now, honestly, can y’all just stop with this grasping at straws which happens to also be ableist as hell while pretending to give a fuck about brienne as a character - because you don’t, it’s obvious from how you don’t understand her issues at all - and keep to your own lane or what? because honestly, it’s obvious no one has ever called you ugly in your life and that you never had to deal with anyone demeaning your intelligence because you were most likely too busy demeaning other people’s, but you’ve been at this bullshit since 2013.

didn’t you get bored?\

[ableism-in-anime]

This post is for those who do not know about ableism. What is ableism, you ask? Ableism is the belief that “able-bodied people” or superior to those with disabilities. However, the definition is not only defined by the belief that only non-disabled people can living fulfilling lives, but also that disabled people cannot be strong, that their disability equals weakness, or a fate worse than death. 

I have heard rumors over the last couple of days about Kakashi Retsuden カカシ烈伝 and that the fact that Naruto was sick freaked the people the fuck out. There were cries that single page out of a 200+ novel was bad writing, and now Naruto wouldn’t be able to fight Jigen. 

And that it was lazy writing for an author to have a character become sick or physically weakened. 

First, those who spread rumors without knowing the facts will only be disappointed and spread misinformation. Secondly, we don’t know what Naruto’s illness is. Thirdly, Naruto and Jigen haven’t even met, much less fought. Fourthly, the lazy writing argument is stupid. 

I have heard this line before. 

To quote Levi, “All of them, whining like brats.” Interestingly enough, the character was the focus on the “lazy writing.”

To say that Levi’s death by a suicide bomb by Zeke is the definition of stupid. Would you say that death by starvation or malnutrition is stupid, because a lot of people in the Underground died from those conditions. 

Zeke was in a bind in SNK 114. He could not move, his most feared enemy had him cornered, and he had nothing else on his mind besides ending himself and Levi because of it. It was because of Levi that Zeke’s best plan was to blow themselves up with a bomb. 

How is this stupid?

Oh, I know why. 

People were expecting Levi to die in a blaze of glory, or against some magnificent foe that would end his life. 

Death doesn’t work that way. RL does not work that way. 

And people who say that Levi’s death is “stupid” and that his life is over because he probably lost an arm or a leg...

Is that really true? Someone’s life isn’t over because they lost a leg or an arm. They become part of a community that has survived despite the best of humanity to snuff us out. 

Getting the “Might Guy” treatment is also ableist. Or maybe, it is simply because when Might Guy was saved by Naruto and that he was alive in a wheelchair, fans were in an uproar. 

I remember it well because I too agreed. This was not from a disability standpoint, but from a medical standpoint. Might Guy should have died from the effects of the Eight Gates. His body was crumbling into ashes. The blaze of glory was not an option. Now Might Guy had to spend the rest of his days in a wheelchair. 

Something in the recent anime adaptation made me admire Guy more than anyone else. In the novel, when Kakashi said that he would do anything to heal Might Guy’s legs, Guy told him,

“What do two legs matter? As long as I am by your side...”

That sentence also reflects Levi’s situation too. 

If Levi had something to live for, a friend like Kakashi to live by his side, then perhaps it wouldn’t matter if he was disabled or not. But Erwin is dead, and Levi has failed to kill the Beast Titan again.

The issue is that Levi will, supposedly be “weak” because of his disability. He won’t be able to fight anymore. He won’t fulfill the fantasies that we had for him. 

Death is apparently preferable to becoming weak and the abilities gone, because all people who are in a wheelchair don’t exist and would rather be dead than be weak, right?

Don’t make me laugh. 

As of right now, Naruto’ s illness is unknown. Shikamaru only said. ［ままじゃ、ままナルトの一生…」 It doesn’t mean Naruto is dying. The translation said, “If this continues, for his entire life...” Being sick is similar to a disability by the pity people have towards us, the underestimation people have, always. 

But it does not mean your life is over. It does not mean that you are ready to roll over and die! There are less painful days and more painful ones, but that doesn’t mean that our lives are over. 

Ableism in anime exists. How many times have I seen a weak (typically female) individual bedridden and unable to stand due to illness?

In The Promised Neverland, Lucas, who had physical disabilities and facial scarrs due to fighting demons and used a cane, had “a whole” body with no scarring in the afterlife as he reunited with his friends who died. 

That is almost as bad as people posting pictures of Stephen Hawking walking and standing after his death. 

 If there is a person with a disability, there is a common trope of wanting to be cured by loved ones or the person with the disability itself. Tegami Bachi also had this trope, but Sylvette Suede was at least useful and not used as a pity devise. However, in the last chapter, Sylvette stands out of her wheelchair.

Emil, a blind girl, was an antagonist due to the abuse she suffered as a child and didn’t even get any sympathy from Lag, out of all people, for the complexity of the abuse and the town people’s history. 

It not only paints disability in a negative light, but also ignores the trauma of child abuse, neglect, and emotional abuse Emil suffered through her life only to die at the end.  

What kind of message does that send to people, especially children with disabilities?

Koe no Katachi is a brilliant work. It is not perfect, but the main focus is on redemption and self-love by a former bully, not on the poor life of Shouko.

 In Sunset with Orihara Izaya, the main character Izaya uses a wheelchair. Some, including Izaya state that he deserves to be in the situation he is in now. However, I do not view this as ableism. 

Izaya is a manipulative man with a history of observing his “beloved humans” and observing them destroying their lives. By no means, is he a good character. However, he is not a villain. Shinra, Izaya’s childhood friend, says as much. 

In volume 13 of Durarara!! Izaya and Shizuo try to kill each other one last time. Shizou, using his superhuman strength, throws Izaya against a building that causes internal bleeding, a spinal cord injury, and many other injuries. 

But, hey, Izaya tried to set Shizuo’s building on fire. 

Eventually, Izaya is taken away by his “allies” for treatment. His wounds are massive, and it unknown if he would survive or not. 

Izaya himself states that he deserves the pain. Even though his broken arms and other internal wounds are healed, it causes him great pain to stand or even walk. The author has confirmed that the pain in Izaya’s legs are psychosomatic and are from mental trauma. Two years after the final battle, Izaya’s pain has not improved, because he refuses to go to physical therapy because he deserves the pain for not acknowledging “Shizu-chan” as human. He acknowledges that he has been a coward, and that his love for humans was a selfish one. He did not get close to his “precious humans” and simply observed them. This pinpoints a reason for Izaya’s behavior and psychology. 

Izaya had to raise his twin sisters on his own as a child. His parents were never around, and his “loving” father noticed with concern that Izaya was rather anti-social as a child. Simply observing humans and their behavior continued to be Izaya’s favorite hobby. 

Izaya is afraid to love. He is afraid to be kind because his parents never showed him love in the first place. His sisters said they would be sad “ for a little bit before they would laugh” if he died. 

Izaya distanced himself from his “humans,” cowardly and selfish, as he acknowledged years later.

However, the disability does not stop him from working. Oh, no. That is why I believe Izaya is not a victim of ableism. He continues to work as a information broker and actually helps people. Although he had some involvement in their fathers’ deaths, Izaya is the semi-guardian of two children name Hinami and Haruto after their mothers tried to kill each other and then their children. He saved them from actual death, whereas before, he would have been content to see what “his precious humans would do next” and leaving the children on their own after saving them. 

At the end of the novel, a young couple was freed from bondage because of Izaya. 

He even allows Haruto to spin him around in his wheelchair to the point where he falls off. He does manage to hold onto a coffee table though and transfers his body back into the wheelchair. 

So, before any of you whine about lazy writing, think about ableism. 

SNK 115 

Sunset with Orihara Izaya cover.

[nellie-elizabeth]

The Walking Dead: The Calm Before (9x15)

Oh, for fuck's sake.

Cons:

I'm going to start with some personal context here: when I watched this episode, my DVR recording for some reason cut it off early, at the cliffhanger moment when Alpha sits next to Lydia in the movie theatre. I wasn't paying much attention to how long the episode had been, so I thought that was the final moment of the episode. I was all geared up to write a quite favorable review - lots of tense moments, good character buildup, etc. etc. But then I realized there was still fifteen minutes to go, and now I have to deal with this bullshit.

The problem with The Walking Dead is they have this huge over-bloated cast of people, most of whom we don't really care about, and then periodically in order to make us understand how evil a villain is, some of these characters will get killed off. But there's always some problem with the way they pull off the deaths: either they are way too built up and foreshadowed, and every ounce of drama is wrung out of the moment (Glenn, Carl), or else it's a character we kind of care about, and they're given a bunch of attention and more character development suddenly, and it becomes obvious they're about to die (Jesus), or they're someone I barely know at all and I'm not sure why I'm supposed to be so devastated about it (several of the deaths in this episode).

Really, we should talk about the Big Three Deaths.

Enid. She falls into the "Jesus" category for me, in that we suddenly get all these moments with her being all cute with her boyfriend, and I instantly thought she was going to get killed off. Or he was. One of them, anyway. It's hard to care about this, because I don't really feel like I know Enid at all, especially post time-jump. She's just another random Hilltop community member at this point.

Tara. I'm too exhausted to repeat my tirade about this show killing off all its queer characters. At least there are still those two girls whose names I don't know yet. Or whatever. And at least there's still Aaron. The thing with a big ensemble cast like this is that it's not necessarily the end of the world if some queer characters die, as long as there are plenty of other ones on the show, and that kind-of-sort-of is what's going on here, so I won't repeat myself on explaining why it sucks to kill off queer characters. Instead, let's just talk about how stupid it is to kill off Tara specifically. Hilltop just lost Jesus, and now it's lost Tara, and it all feels so pointless. And I don't mean pointless in the way it's supposed to feel pointless. It feels narratively pointless. Tara has been around for a really long time, and she never really came into her own as a character. I've never disliked her, but I've never felt all that invested in her either. Maybe she was somewhat superfluous to the story that this show wants to be telling. But instead of constantly bringing in new characters and over-extending the cast, and then killing off people who have been around for years to make room for newbies, why not take the time to actually develop these characters? Why not make us care about Tara the way we care about Daryl or Carol or Michonne, so that if she dies, it means something?

Finally, Henry. I will admit, there are some aspects to Henry dying here that I'm going to put in the "pros" section too, because I genuinely did not see it coming, and there are some interesting possibilities coming off of this. But on the other hand... why now? Henry was an annoying brat when this season started, and I had just started to get a bit invested in him... and then he's dead. It would have meant a hell of a lot more if we'd had a whole additional season with him, if we'd seen him grow, if I came to care about him the way I once cared about Carl. This show has this problem of dragging some things out waaaayyyy too far, and then cutting other things off before they've had a chance to develop and mature. It's annoying. I'm always feeling robbed of the better show that we could have had if certain plot threads could be disposed of, and different characters could be given the limelight.

The frustrating thing about this dramatic mass-killing is that so many people had to make mistakes in order for it to happen. It was just so contrived that when various groups started splitting up, Carol, Michonne, and Daryl would be the three together, along with one of the new-ish characters whose name I still don't know. They're idiots to let themselves get surrounded by the Whisperers. After all these years, do they not have any tactical common sense? And also, not to put too fine a point on it, Alpha is an idiot for not killing Daryl, Michonne, and Carol when she had the chance. If she really wanted to punish the various communities for their defiance, that would have been the way to do it. These three characters are protected because they're the most popular characters on the show (they're certainly the only three that I personally care about at this point), not because it makes sense in-universe for them to be the ones to always survive.

Pros:

One of the reasons that I found the deaths to be so unsatisfying is that the rest of this episode was doing some really good work. I was completely drawn in, loving the suspense, enjoying the happiness of the Fair, dreading Alpha's retaliation... it was all great stuff, and even the setup for the deaths, seeing the heads on spikes, would have worked really well for me if it weren't for the buildup resulting in those specific characters' deaths.

The first thing that was awesome about this episode? The Fair. I resisted Carol being a part of the Kingdom for a long time because I didn't like how it separated her from the rest of the group, and I was skeptical of Ezekiel. He just seemed too goofy to me, even though I know that's sort of the whole point. But now? I understand their relationship, I understand the Kingdom, and I believe in it. That scene where the leaders of the various communities signed the Constitution was incredibly moving. I think it's important in a show like this for the characters to have something they're fighting for. Despite all of the loss and pain, they have to remain strong for something bigger than any one person. The Fair was a great symbol of that, and I like the fact that we lingered on it long enough to understand what's really at stake here.

This episode did a great job being genuinely scary, too. As predictable as some of the deaths were, in terms of the character set-up as I've described above, I'll admit I wasn't expecting the slaughter in this episode. I thought maybe it would wait until next week. Everyone thought that Hilltop would be the target of the Whisperer's wrath, and I'll admit that I got caught up in that assumption as well, even though the Kingdom made more sense in terms of the narrative. And when the groups went out to go defend Hilltop, I was scanning their numbers, wondering which among them were going to die, so it was a doubly effective twist that the victims were people supposedly safe at the Fair. When we first see Alpha in that dress, with the wig, just wandering among the people, it genuinely startled me and made me very nervous. That tension kept escalating throughout the whole rest of the episode. The whole scene in the movie theatre freaked me out. I kept waiting for a mass attack to happen, and when it didn't, the tension stayed with me as we saw Lydia and Alpha talking. Great pacing, great acting, great score, all in service of a very frightening atmosphere.

Lydia has really grown on me. Obviously there will be some people who are livid that so much was lost because of her, but I think we're seeing that these communities don't want to give up their values, no matter the cost. They've offered Lydia asylum, and even though the consequences of that decision were devastating, it was still the right thing to do, and I believe that Daryl, Michonne, and the others will continue to protect her, in honor of the people who lost their lives, especially Henry. Lydia has a great moment where she stands up to Alpha. It's important to remember the degree to which this poor girl has been brainwashed throughout her entire life. Escaping an abusive parent is no easy task, and I think we're going to see the trauma play out in interesting ways. Or at least I hope that's where this is going. Lydia could be a really cool and interesting character to explore more deeply.

Oh, Daryl. He was killing it in this episode. I loved the little nod he gave to Carol when Alpha led him away at gunpoint. It was him saying "it's okay" and "goodbye" and everything else all at once. We get two Carol and Daryl hugs, once when Daryl, Lydia, Henry, and Connie show up at the Kingdom, and once again when Daryl returns after his one-on-one with Alpha. He just loves Carol and Michonne both so much. When we see the heads on spikes moment, Daryl notices Henry first and runs to Carol, desperate to save her this pain. He holds her and tells her to just look at him. My heart broke for the both of them. I also liked the little detail of Daryl taking Lydia to the spikes (heads removed, of course), so that Lydia can say goodbye to Henry. Daryl has been isolating himself since losing Rick, but we can see how community-oriented he really is, how much he cares about the people around him and how much he wants to nurture them.

A few other little details that I enjoyed: I surprisingly didn't mind Rosita and Eugene's little moment, even if the whole plot scenario is still a little eye-roll worthy. I liked seeing Judith playing with other kids, enjoying the freedom and fun of the Fair, and I loved when she and Carol had their little moment. It's so sad to think of Carol not being a big part of Rick's daughter's life, but we see that Judith still remembers her, and I'm sure they'll be together again now. Ezekiel's opening speech at the Fair about Rick and Carl was really great, and helped to tie together the themes of this season. Connie and Daryl's goodbye, with Daryl asking Connie to watch the dog... I could see a real friendship developing between those two. Connie and her sister's conversation, hinting at some backstory stuff that I'd be interested to get back to. Luke being buddies with Enid's boyfriend, excited to play music at the Fair. I actually really like Luke and I hope we get to spend more time with him.

Finally, Siddiq's speech at the end. It's taken a whole season to unpack the reasons for Michonne's fear and isolation. It's taken all season to start getting some answers about the communities being estranged from each other, and we still don't have all the pieces of the puzzle. When I saw those heads on those spikes, one of my first reactions was to be worried that we'd backslide on all that character development. Michonne and Aaron would pull back and stay in Alexandria, Ezekiel's dreams of union and trade would collapse, and we'd be back to square one. It's possible that that's where we're going with all of this, but I actually doubt it. We can see how devastated everyone is, obviously, but hopefully this latest challenge will bring them even closer together, and when the Whisperers are gone, harmony can continue to grow.

So yeah. I liked so much of this episode. I liked the build-up and the atmosphere and several of the character beats. And yet here we are with another slaughter, a bunch of characters that were only just getting interesting, suddenly killed off so that we're clear on the fact that the Whisperers are bad guys. Yeesh. Annoying.

7.5/10

[digoxinpurpurea2-blog]

One of my grandfathers died of AIDS complications before I was born.

There, that's my pound of flesh. You have to present those before anyone listens to you on this fucking website.

I didn't delete my tumblr because oh no I'm the Hamilton cannibal mermaid freak. I have been that for years. And, for what it's worth, I never interacted with Israa as Israa. She tried to interact with me, once, two years ago, about the intentionally dumb garbage I wrote in my spare time. I ignored her because I didn't know who she was and I didn't care.

Nah, I deleted my tumblr because you freaks kept sending me death threats and I couldn't exactly deal with that after being awake for four days and trying to manage the emotional fallout of this monster.

Don't send people death threats, you fucking loons.

This was not about fandom, because I do not orient my world around fandom. This was about my grandfather, and not just him, and not just the other people I have known who have had their lives irrevocably altered by HIV, and not just the fact that she stole money. This was about basic common decency. It's not about me. I'm not going to pretend I'm an angel or anything but I have never done anything like this.

But this is not about me.

The person behind hivliving, Alix McLiar:

1. Lives in a $500,000 waterfront house in a wealthy suburb in the US with her married and very wealthy parents, both of whom have terminal degrees in the sciences

2. Goes to a prestigious private out-of-state university on a merit scholarship worth approximately $250,000 over four years. Or maybe not. Maybe she got kicked out. Still not sure. Her school has been contacted multiple times by multiple people, and the chief of police of her university told me that she would be punished appropriately. I believe, at least, that she's no longer involved in the school's anti-racism groups as an administrator, and I know that her advisor knows, and that the head of the diversity office knows, and that her friends all know and have completely stopped talking to her. Rephrase: she went to a prestigious university while this was going on, majoring in a healthcare-related field.

3. Went to one of the best high schools in the United States

4. Started racefaking on the internet early in her senior year of high school, possibly earlier - she was 17 at the time and is 19 now

5. Vacations internationally with some frequency

6. Is white and cisgender and REALLY FUCKING RICH, meaning she definitely used the money she got as “Israa” for drugs or something

7. Is probably going to do this again

She used the following identities:

1. Israa, Liar Prime - bigender bisexual Chinese-Pakistani 19-year-old, from the China-Pakistan border (once or twice specified as westernmost Xinjiang), HIV+ after being trafficked into sexual slavery by her parents as a young teenager, Muslimah, hijabi, once had her eye popped out of its socket after someone found out her HIV status, once raped and robbed by police at gunpoint, pregnant, miscarried, married, living in India with her wife - blueskysapphic/hivliving/angischuyler

2. Muk(h)ta (she spelled it different ways) - Somali, Catholic, raised in America by her American father who was implied a few times to be a diplomat of some sort, 18, trans woman, lesbian, married to Israa, trafficking victim, not HIV+ - thewarsnotdone

3. Naj, American lesbian POC (never specified other than that), congenitally HIV+, fairly active in ace discourse -allolesbean/hivliving

A bonus identity discovered while investigating:

4. Alix, Lebanese Jewish lesbian, self-identified as an Arab, from Lebanon, living in the states for college - lesbianeclipse

(the Jewish community in Lebanon numbers about forty, by the by. She's fond of doing this)

Israa lied a fuckton but she didn’t just pop out of the blue. She had put together the biracial trafficking victim persona before she started posting her fic. She had convinced other people of this persona before she started writing fanfiction - named the wife, picked out Chinese and “Muslim” names (yes she called Israa her Muslim name), found a beta for her fic, made up a backstory. 

And it wasn’t just hivliving that she was involved in. Israa and friends' modus operandi in fandom was to declare someone a pedophile over fanfiction, sic followers on them, threaten to dox them, force them to divulge (often sexual) traumas, and then use those traumas to harass them into self-harm. She did this multiple times, mainly to young gay teenagers and young trans men and young impoverished women. Some of those people did self-harm. And she knew it. And she kept on bullying, and told anyone who said “Stop it” that how DARE they, she is HIV+, she can do this.

And, given that Israa and her crew placed so much emphasis on IP address hits to Tumblrs as "stalking," it is absolutely impossible that none of them - including the one who followed her on her "Lebanese Jewish" tumblr and Facebook-linked twitter - did not know. This was a squad of teenagers dedicated to threatening and sexually harassing rape victims over fanfiction, with their core defense being 'Israa has been much more traumatized than you, by people like you, and she's protecting other people by hurting you.'

Yeah, no. Weirdly enough, most trauma victims don’t go out of their way to tell victims of child sexual abuse that they should kill themselves.

Israa used the social capital and following she gained being a moral arbiter and Teller Of Wise Truths About HIV in fandom (she and her crew also picked on an HIV+ member of the Hamilton cast on Twitter such that I believe he blocked them, by the fucking way) to start hivliving. 

The person behind Israa is not Muslim. Or Jewish. Or HIV+. Or Somali. Or biracial. She was not trafficked to another country by her parents. She grew up wealthy. It was incredibly obvious she was not who she claimed she was. A basic knowledge of geopolitics would have nipped this shit in the bud literally years ago, because nothing Israa said made any sense. This should have been caught day of. Other people knew and let it ride because it’s fun to cloak your repulsive behavior in the language of social justice to get away with it. Other people should have figured it out.

Point by point:

1. Language

Israa claimed to speak Chinese and Urdu natively and English, Spanish, and Kannada as second languages. She exclusively used English on her blog. She learned English as an adult and yet had absolutely perfect grammar, spelling, mastery of American slang, etc. Is this impossible? No, of course not, but learning a second language as an adult - especially in a non-immersion environment, especially one from an entirely different language family, presents a ton of difficulties. I am currently learning a second language in a non-immersion environment. Writing and reading are easier than speaking, sure, but they do not come easy.

Israa wrote like a native English speaker. She never made the mistakes in grammar or spelling common with people learning English from Chinese. She never had slightly odd turns of phrase borne from not grasping all the tiny nuances of a given English word. She never had an accidental character inserted when she forgot to rotate the language on her keyboard. (I rotate keyboards. Lemme tell you, it happens frequently.) She used British spellings pretty consistently, but not British or Indian English phrasing. Her slang was all American, young, Tumblr-approved. The media she talked about was almost all in English, minus one Chinese-American film and one Chinese novel available in English translation. She never used Chinese or Urdu on her blog, except to write brief greetings or her name. She never talked to anyone in Chinese or Urdu or Kannada. Her punctuation was completely American. She never, ever forgot a word.

This person, from a family poor enough to knowingly traffick a child into sex slavery, was fluent in 4-5 languages, presumably literate in at least 3 (meaning she could effortlessly cycle between 3, possibly 4 different writing systems) and somehow so fluent in a language she had started learning only two, three years before that she was indistinguishable from a native speaker.

How?

How was her English so native-perfect after only two or three years?

Because she didn't only have two or three years to build on. Because she was a native speaker. Duh.

2. Offensive racial stereotypes

Israa consistently presented herself as from western China, right along the China-Pakistan border. Never specified city or town, presumably because Alix was not invested enough in the character to pick a random town name off of Google Maps. She also once posted about her family having a dispute about the family rice farm.

There is almost no rice agriculture in extreme western Xinjiang. Not none, but almost none. Too arid.

But rice, China, right?

Also, bit of a digression as the character could have started wearing it while not living there, but about wearing hijab in Xinjiang: it's not exactly legal, right now. Crackdowns on specifically Uyghur Muslims in Xinjiang have been front-page news in major English-language publications for years. Crackdowns on Hui Muslims (the ethnic group she occasionally claimed to be a part of) are less common, but they happen. And, of course, not all Muslim women wear hijab...but all Muslims are the same, in Israa-world. Speaking of.

Israa claimed that she had relatives in Gaza and that she did medical research at a clinic in Gaza under the auspices of her university.

1. How did she get a passport? It would have to be either a Pakistani or Chinese passport. Traveling from India to the Gaza strip on a Pakistani passport would be, shall we say, extremely difficult. It would be difficult for her to acquire a passport in the first place (did she have any documentation before she was trafficked? After? She was trafficked into India and India repatriates trafficking victims. Presumably she would have been repatriated to China. Would she, an HIV-positive member of a Muslim ethnic minority breaking the law in Xinjiang, be allowed to acquire a passport? How would she afford a passport? etc) 2. How would a 19-year-old non-medical student undergraduate receive permission to enter the Gaza strip, especially if she was traveling on a Pakistani passport? 3. Current Israeli law gives the Minister of the Interior the right to deny access to Israel (and thus Palestine and Gaza) to any HIV+ alien or migrant worker. Presumably Israa counted as an “alien or migrant worker,” so how did she get into the country to travel to Gaza in the first place? 4. Did Israa not realize that Pakistan and Palestine (and China) are culturally very dissimilar because they're in very different parts of the world? This is another China = rice moment. Alix assumed that all Muslims are the same? How would the aforementioned impoverished ethnic minority family be wealthy or mobile enough to have relatives at the other end of the continent?

I'm pretty sure her logic there was "Chinese Muslims are oppressed, Palestinians are oppressed - basically the same, right? Family!"

Oh and by the way she seemed to not remember if her family was based in western Xinjiang or in Karachi. She had sisters living in Karachi at some point and then she told me and, apparently, told quite a few other people, that she would be moving back to her loving parents in China soon after graduating university, at the age of 19.

Her parents who trafficked her.

Hokay.

Oh and besides the 80s high school AIDS crisis AU fic she wrote a lot of seriously offensive “Muslim AU” fic that trafficked in a lot of incredibly harmful and racist tropes about Muslim women but I said I wouldn’t mention fandom

3. Her wife

Mukta/Mukhta - Somali, Catholic, raised in America by her American father, somehow ended up in India as a trafficking victim, monolingual in English. She implied a few times that her father was some kind of diplomat. Muk(h)ta married Israa and they lived happily together as an interfaith couple, doing such coupley things as packaging Christmas care packages at Muk(h)ta's church and having wanted pregnancies.

1. As far as I can tell, Mukta and Mukhta are not Somali names, and if Muk(h)ta was monolingual in English wouldn’t she, like, spell her name in the Latin alphabet consistently 2. There are approximately 100 Somali Catholics. (Like I said, she liked doing that.) 3. An American-raised child of a diplomat being kidnapped (?) and trafficked for sex in India would have made international news. I CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH. IT WOULD HAVE BEEN INTERNATIONAL NEWS.  4. Legal gay marriage does not exist in India. I wouldn't bring this up, people can call their partners whatever they want in the absence of legal recognition, but Israa made a distinction between "wife" and "girlfriend" and talked about having a wedding in a religious space, so - 5. How were two married female teenagers living together with apparently no problem in Bengaluru? 6. Muk(h)ta and Israa ended up in the same brothel together after being trafficked and one day decided to take the bus out. TO WHERE. HOW DID THEY GET THE MONEY. How Israa talked about the brothel was completely bullshit too and seems to have been based on legal brothels in Australia or Nevada - personal amenities, private bathrooms, private rooms, et cetera. 7. Again, India repatriates, or attempts to repatriate, known minor victims of trafficking - so why were either of them still in India?

Oh also Muk(h)ta's blog literally only talked about how awesome her wife was and Hamilton and she almost never interacted with other people by herself and she would have had the same non-Bengaluru IP address as Israa (same blog organization, frankly, as allolesbean), so -

4. Being a student in India

Israa insisted she, a Chinese (and?) Pakistani national, was a science student at a university in Bengaluru. She would not have been able to do this without documentation and you have to apply for a student visa in India outside of the country.

So:

1. Again. How did she acquire a passport? 2. How did she prove her residential address outside of India? 3. How did she put together the money to pay student fees? 4. How was Muk(h)ta living with her in the interim, if Muk(h)ta wasn't an Indian citizen? 5. How did she overcome the language barrier in either English or Kannada in enough time to start studying science? 6. Where was Muk(h)ta during the application process? In China? In Pakistan? In India? How?

6. The pregnancy

Jesus Christ where do I start

Israa always, always insisted that Muk(h)ta presented as a woman, was understood as a woman, etc, and the pregnancy was expected and wanted - the old ladies at church (who 100% accepted her) cooed over her baby bump.

Two AFAB people and their magic desired child baby bump. 

NO 19-YEAR-OLD HIV+ PERSON IS GOING TO RECEIVE IVF. ANYWHERE. EVER.

When someone pushed back on this, she started insisting that Muk(h)ta was a trans woman, taking hormones, and then later she conveniently miscarried.

1. How did Muk(h)ta access hormones? 2. How did Israa access her HIV medications such that she was fine with having unprotected sex (she stated a couple of times that she and Mukhta were a serodiscordant couple), and/or how did Mukhta access PrEp? 3. Why would two impoverished teenagers living on student visas (and it had to be student visas as, again, India repatriates foreign trafficking victims) plan to have a baby? 4. How did Muk(h)ta, a devout church-going Catholic living in India, safely and successfully navigate as a lesbian trans woman married to a Muslim woman such that her church accepted her and the pregnant partner unconditionally? 5. Same question but about Israa and Israa's mosque, which she apparently attended regularly 6. If the child was planned, how did Muk(h)ta, a young (17? 18?-year-old) trans woman on hormones, access the healthcare that would have assured them both that her hormones weren't interfering with her fertility? 7. How did Israa access neonatal care? 8. How could they afford all of this and yet Israa needed to ask for donations on hivliving to deal with vague miscarriage-related medical bills?

And on. And on. And on.

Am I saying it's impossible for someone to learn a language quickly, or to be Pakistani and have relatives in Gaza, or be a victim of trafficking, or be a lesbian in India, or any of the other things she claimed separately? No, of course not. I'm sure there's actually someone who is very like Israa out there, minus all the lies.

I'm just saying - are you fucking kidding me? Are all of you so illiterate about how the entirety of the world works that this bullshit was allowed to pass unchecked for two fucking years??? Are all of you so illiterate about how the world works that no one wondered why a person with this background would be spending her internet time primarily writing god damn Hamilton fanfiction??? Yes, you are, because instead of putting together this incredibly obvious idiotic racist garbage in a post to point out the many insane consistencies, I had to wade through the goddamn cash.me terms of service LITERALLY MONTHS AFTER SHE STARTED DEFRAUDING PEOPLE.

And that was obviously not the only time she'd demanded money, she just deleted her tumblrs before I could find the "friend's paypal" she had used earlier on blueskysapphic/angischuyler.

Did she ever talk about living with HIV in any meaningful way? Did she ever talk about it in a way that wasn't just yelling about not blaming asexuals or complaining about people twenty years older than her not using Tumblr-approved phrasing or whatever? Did she actually do anything with hivliving besides reblog things other people had posted and tell people to pm her for more information? The real Alix is a 19-year-old college sophomore who is so stupid about public health that she told people RENT is a good introduction to the AIDS crisis in twenty god damn seven teen and told me that she checked herself into a hospital for narcissism (spoilers: there's a huge lack of beds in psychiatric hospitals and no psychiatric ER is going to admit a person not immediately in danger, especially not for NARCISSISM). She had absolutely nothing of value to contribute. She was clearly not talking from a place of expertise. She did not sound like she knew anything about anything and what she did regurgitate was highly Americanized. If her value as the person who ran hivliving was as an HIV+ pregnant married nonbinary non-American trafficking survivor, then it should have been obvious earlier that she was none of those things.

It is not difficult to figure out things like it is costly and difficult to move between countries, or that midcontinental aridity precludes heavy-water-using agriculture, or that adults who are learning English as a third or fourth language from a non-Germanic language will have quite a bit of trouble with grammar and vocabulary even several years in, or that a nineteen-year-old bigender woman-aligned person would have difficulty living safely with her wife anywhere, or that it’s nigh impossible that a person holding a Pakistani passport could get to the Gaza strip, or that most Somalis are not Catholic.

BASIC KNOWLEDGE. BASIC COMMON SENSE. BASIC GEOPOLITICS. A few hours on Wikipedia could have thrown all of this into the garbage. 

Why did any of you believe this garbage?

Easy! Because:

1. Tumblr fetishizes oppression, especially that of trans people and Muslim women, and Alix made herself a persona that hit every jackpot possible 2. Tumblr consumes only fanfiction and thus elevates it to an insane level of importance in culture, therefore fights over fanfiction content are actual justice (it's not that fucking deep) 3. Tumblr has an extremely warped understanding of social justice theory and abuse dynamics 4. Tumblr refuses to absorb any news or history besides that which is presented on Tumblr 5. Alix was so prone to leading harassment mobs that any pushback would lead to more abuse 6. Tumblr hates gay men and would rather listen to an obvious bullshit artist than anyone the community that is primarily affected by HIV

Really can't stress that last one enough. REALLY can't. I remember some big name ~tumblr LGBT-community famous~ blogger telling their thousands of followers that the pogrom against gay men in Chechnya wasn't happening, partially because they were so stupid that they didn't know how to click through on tabloid publications to the serious reporting done by actual journalists, but mostly because Tumblr has decided that gay men aren't oppressed and AIDS is over or some bullshit.

At least five people, five men, five GAY AND BI MEN, came to Alix with their status, begging for help. She fed them garbage and lies. She looked them in the face and decided she would continue with this monstrousness and you just fucking let it happen and then you made it about fanfiction because you don’t understand that there are things way beyond fandom. She was a psychopath who OPERATED IN FANDOM and 15 years ago she would have pulled this shit on the TWOP boards or the scarleteen message boards or neopets or something.

God, fuck all of you.

I have a tiny bit of money spare this month. If you send a receipt of a donation to an HIV/AIDS-related organization of your choice to thatwhichechoes@protonmail.com, personal information redacted as you so choose, I'll match it, multiple its, for a total of $50 from my end. If that doesn't happen by February 15, I'll just send it all to one of my choice. I can hold a couple bucks spare each month so that, God willing and my rent don't rise, I can consistently send to Rainbow Railroad or my home LGBT center's HIV/AIDS program.

Nothing is going to fix what she did and she's never going to get held to account in the way she should but I'm going to post receipts every so often anyways because I am nasty and angry enough to care about other people. I am angry enough to do penance on her behalf. I have been furious and horrified and sick about this ever since I found out and dealing with her vileness has caused actual tangible harm in my life but again, it's not about me, and I'm going to remember that even if you motherfuckers won't.

I would seriously advise anyone under the age of 21 to get the fuck off of this website and go learn how to communicate with other people in a healthy manner. Go outside! Interact with other people in the real world! Read a book. Read a fucking newspaper! Learn about the world. Or you can stay here and burrow in the echo chamber and become credulous fauxwoke racist homophobic morons who prioritize calling other teenagers pedophiles til they try to kill themselves because Steven Universe or something over doing literally anything that could help the world. Your choice.

The rest of you: comport yourselves like normal fucking human beings for once in your fucking lives and sort out your goddamn priorities. Read a fucking newspaper. Stop giving obvious racist fraudsters like medievalpoc and Israalix the benefit of the doubt and actually think about the information that is being presented to you and then maybe do something more useful with your time than getting into internet fights. For example, I organized an auction in my spare time that, with the help of another lovely person and dozens of wonderful donors, raised $3,917 for various charities over six months, including $200 for GMHC and about $75 for an HIV/AIDS organization in Wisconsin. Go do something similar or get off the fucking internet! It’s 2018! You’re adults! Try tangibly helping other people, at some point, instead of engaging in this terrible narcissistic performative circlejerk where trauma has become a cudgel to beat others!

If any of you do anything like this again I will find you and I will fucking destroy you. That is a promise. 

Go to hell.

[petite-neko]

Chapter Characters: Law, Bepo, Shachi, Penguin (Sugar, Corazon) Pairing: (eventual) LawLu Rating: M Warnings: Vampire AU, (Mostly) canon compliant, Angst, Survivor Guilt, Blood, (Kinda) drug use/addiction, dependency, child grooming, child abuse, abusive relationship, major character death, bullying (Other warnings may be added) A/N:  Well. I am taking some liberties here, seeing as Law's novel was recently translated. I did tweak the chapter a bit here and there. (Law meets the trio a bit later on than he does in canon, as he doesn't quite go through the same life xD) Also, I included one part of my own head canon into here, and I didn't wanna change it in accordance to the new canon. I kinda had it already integrated into my fic so :x I'd have to do a few too many minor tweaks.Again: Much thanks to Oturai for bearing through my loopy typing/writing. (I'm doped up on painkillers, and will prolly be for another week. Fucked up my shoulder)

.xxx. > Time/scene skip

.+++. > PoV change

(Wanna buy me a ko-fi? Link in blog description!)

Chapter 4 || Chapter 5 || Chapter 6

She was no longer hungry.

She was no longer in a frenzy.

She was no longer driven by instinct.

And yet, Law still found himself avoiding Sugar. Sure, he knew. He knew all of that. He knew it would be fine now. That Sugar wouldn’t attack him. That he had no further reason to maintain a distance.

But, whenever he looked at her, all he could see was a vampire.

The vampires whispered amongst the humans in terror: Ravenous, hungry, heartless, inhumane.

Eyes solely focused on him in hunger, desperation and need. His own confusion, at first, but then that cold, creeping comprehension as her face contorted. As she hissed and growled at him. The way she had lost all control; been driven to her most basic functions. As her teeth began to extend, and the shock. The disbelief. The way that time seemed to slow down. The way Corazon’s voice echoed in his head: “We don’t turn children.” And then that realisation fully sinking in. Just as her teeth might into his flesh. And his own desperation. The adrenaline coursing through him, strengthening him. He couldn’t let her win. Couldn’t let her press forward. His hands - they were the only things keeping her from feeding on him. He could feel her breath on his face - mere inches away. Close. She was too close.

Food. That was all he was to her. A meal to sustain her into the next day. He was not another person. Not a living, breathing being. No. He was food, and she was hungry.

And even then, even as Corazon had separated her from him, she was hanging there, by her ankle, flailing and hissing and trying to escape his grasp to get to her meal.

In those moments, she had lost all humanity. Blinded by her need to feed.

And Law just could not forget that.

It was a harsh wakeup call. It only reminded him of the environment he was in. That Doflamingo, that Corazon, that - probably - many of his crewmates were vampires. That he was human.

He had dismissed that. Dismissed the danger he was actually in. Forgotten just what they were and just what they ate.

They went about it so... civilly. The blood they consumed was integrated into food, into wines and juices. It was never obvious. Disguised to hide their identities. Never did they openly consume directly from a human. Teeth hidden and withdrawn. They acted as, and appeared to be, humans.

Of course, Law knew differently, but that knowledge never truly sank in. Not until... Sugar.

Perhaps some of it, too, did stem from the similarities. Of just why he knew.

For he, too, consumed blood on a regular basis. His very survival was dependant on it. He craved and needed it, just as they did. Except, for different reasons, and for a different kind of blood.

Normally I never let my vassals become... hungry.

Sure, it wasn’t hunger that drove him, but the similarities were almost startling. That he was, all but in name, just like a vampire. That he, too, was being provided for by Doflamingo. Just from a different... source.

And certainly, yes, Law knew that eventually he could escape the confines if he so desired. (Of course, dismissing the fact that his body quite literally would not survive without the support.) But there was that thirst within him. One that could only be satisfied by the blood of a pure-blooded vampire. One that he had tasted once upon a time. Tasted and acted upon.

Law knew exactly what it was, but at the same time, there was nothing he could do about it. He was addicted. Addicted to the strength it gave him. That rush of adrenaline and euphoria. The life it gave him - both literally and metaphorically. And those physical dependencies were only exemplified by just how literally he needed it; by the mental addiction of life. That he knew, all too well, just what would happen to him if he stopped.

Thus, it had driven him, just as it had driven Sugar. It'd driven him to wield a knife and find any means necessary to draw the blood that he needed to survive.

Perhaps, if he had known how benevolent Corazon really was, he would have been a bit more... civil about the situation. But, he hadn’t, and so he wasn’t.

...he wondered just how Corazon could stand him after that. After seeing him in that state. Needy and desperate. Violent. Acting in the only way that he knew how.

But, Corazon had.

Maybe one day he, too, could face Sugar again.

.xxx.

It seemed that they would be docked here for a few more days. A lengthy supply run, because their future would soon be unpredictable. So, Law decided that he would explore some more of the island. He hadn’t really had an opportunity the last time he was out, after all; he’d been too angry at Doflamingo to enjoy it.

And yes - yes - it definitely was a way to avoid Sugar.

“You should be ashamed of yourself!”

As Law wandered about, he could hear some voices off in the distance. Part of him said that he should ignore it. This wasn’t his business and he came out here to relax, not to get involved with the civilians.

Now, there was the sound of flesh hitting flesh.

Oh, great, Law thought, somebody’s getting a beating.

He should just ignore it.

“You can’t even follow simple orders, can you?”

“You’re supposed to do as we tell you!”

Law tried to ignore it, but their voices were so loud. They hit too close to home. They were turning his stomach. They were only making him think of his possible fate. All that it would take for Doflamingo to...

He can make me do anything. Anything!

This wasn’t what he came out here for, dammit! He wanted to forget about that. Forget about vampires and blackmail, and the fact that he had no fucking choice in the matter anymore, and that...

But some fucking idiots thought that here and now was a perfect fucking time and place to bully somebody else!

...maybe he should get himself involved. Beat those fuckers up for ruining his day. And then he could get some peace and quiet and-

“You white monster!”

Oh. Oh. Those bastards were definitely getting it now. Not only did they fucking remind him of his current predicaments, but his past ones as well? The past he didn’t want to remember: The hatred. The shunning. The pain. The war.

Law rolled up his sleeves, marching over towards where the sounds were coming from.

The scene he had walked into was not one he would have expected: There were two boys about his age, beating up a... polar bear?

What the fuck?

“I’m sorry! I’m sorry! Please stop...”

...wait a minute, was the bear talking?

“You’re so useless!”

They obviously hadn’t noticed him yet, continuing to kick the bear.

“Yeah,” the other boy pathetically agreed. “A freak, too!”

Pathetic the sight may be, Law still felt his brow twitching in irritation. Talking bear or not, nobody deserved to be treated like that. To be kicked when you were down, to be insulted all the while.

Law stepped forward. “Oh, really?” He said, drawing their attention. “I do think that I would reserve those names for the two of you.” He wore a smug expression on his face. “I mean, who the fuck beats up a polar bear?”

“Excuse me?”

“You know, wait. I’ve changed my mind. Useless and freak certainly are fitting words, but I do believe pathetic is more apt.” And Law continued to grin at them. “Ganging up on a poor little polar cub, using uneven numbers to gain an advantage. What? Too afraid to take him on one-on-one? Are you guys that weak?”

Law knew that he was just goading them on, but that was his intent. And it was working. Their anger shifted over to him. Such a shame, though. These poor boys had no idea of the mistake they were making. He did doubt these boys were vampires after all, and injectors were such a rarity.

“Who the fuck do you think you are?”

“Yeah!”

Again, so pathetic, so predictable... Law could only roll his eyes at that. They were too easy. If he so desired, Law knew just how to play them.

But, simply because it would take no effort, and more importantly because of just how he knew to play them, he refrained. He would rather do things his own way, after all...

“Your worst nightmare.”

Those words were all it took for the boys to abandon their current victim and charge at him.

And of course, just like their psyches, they, too, were too easy. But Law anticipated it. Perhaps if he had been a regular human, the boys mighthave posed a challenge at best, but empowered by pureblood as he was? Hardly.

And, as the boys were licking their newfound wounds, Law flopped himself down onto a snow pile.

“What is your fucking problem, anyway?”

He looked over at the polar bear, who had stupidly stuck around. Why didn’t he run away when he had a chance? Oh well, not his problem.

“He’s just a fucking bear. Who the fuck cares if he can talk or not? I mean, there’s weirder shit out there. More dangerous shit.”

“Oh yeah?” A head snapped up. “What do you even know, kid?”

“Yeah, I mean, he obviously isn’t from around here!”

“And,” it seemed they were taking turns talking, “ya know what they say about foreigners...”

Law focused back on the two humans. “Actually, no,” he said, watching them cautiously, “no I don’t. And then, he let his lips curl once more. “Doindulge this foreigner just what your people say about us. I am mightily curious about your predispositions.”

Shock was the expression that greeted him.

“Hah?!”

“I’m a pirate,” Law explained briefly. It was obvious that they did not expect to find another child who was from elsewhere. “My crew stopped here for supplies.”

More shock, but there was another look there. They were starting to feel uneasy around him. A child foreigner was unusual, but they understood immediately what a pirate meant.

Law only let that smug expression grow. “Or,” he continued and cracked his knuckles, “I could beat it out of you.”

And unease rapidly turned into nervousness and fear.

“A-Ah!” It was enough to get them talking. “Th-They say to never trust ‘em!” He was fidgeting, but did not stop. “You never know who they are, or what they want, or what they carry...”

At the last note, Law felt himself tensing. He was feeling echoes of his past once more. And it was starting to make a lot of sense now...

“Ye-yeah!” the other boy continued, maybe even more nervous at Law’s obvious anger, “I mean - didn’t you hear about the country that got struck with a contagious disease? How the people there were trying to flee from it, carrying the disease with them? Trying to infect othercountries?”

Oh. Yeah. Yeah, it was definitely making a lot of sense now. Of course the rulers of the neighbouring countries would spread that rumour. Spread the fear of outsiders to justify their actions. It was making Law sick.

“So they-”

He hardened his gaze on the boys - and perhaps it wasn’t fair to them to face his anger. They, too, were victims of it in a sense, blinded by lies and rumours that were repeated so often they seemingly became the truth. That countries of people were exposed to this.

“They exterminated them.”

His voice, too, was hard. Angry. Full of rage that still had yet to be tamed.

“Slaughtered them. Lining children up against churches, and shooting them down one by one. But not before making them complacent with promises of hope and freedom. Burning hospitals down with patients still alive within them, laying on cots in pain. Hauling their corpses out, beyond the borders to run tests on them and study them... Oh, yes. I know all about Flevance. I was there, after all.”

And, if only to drive that nail in deeper, Law pulled up his sleeves to show the marks littering his arms.

Fear - that was all that was in those boys’ eyes now.

But then, Law scoffed, scoffed and laughed.

“Oh, do relax. If Amber Lead was as contagious as they said it was, wouldn’t you be hearing about outbreaks all over the place? It was just a lieplanted in your heads so they could justify slaughtering an entire country. The same could be said about the strangers you are so afraid of. We are people, too, just like anybody else. And I’m pretty sure this bear is the same. Right, bear?”

A squawk left the otherwise quiet animal.

“Yeah, you,” Law turned towards him and smiled, “you got a name?”

“I - uhh - Bepo.” And Bepo looked nervous. A little scared, too.

But Law only continued to smile. He even sniggered slightly before he flopped against the snow pile once more. “See?” He said as he looked up at the sky and the snow falling from it. “He’s got a name.”

He could feel gazes upon him, but Law didn’t care and he ignored it.

“And you? You boys got a name? Mine’s Law.”

“Uhh…” There was a moment of awkward pausing. “I’m uh, Shachi. And he’s Penguin, Peng for short.”

Law felt himself burst out in laughter now.

“You’re named after animals, and you beat up a talking one? You guys are the strange ones, not us ‘foreigners.’”

Nervous laughter was the response.

Perhaps it wasn't the most desired response, but it was a start.

[ion0ra]

Story Time

So, as a lot of you who've ever seen my family posts will understand, they're pretty messed up. Like, there's lighter things from just bad jokes, to things like full-on bigotry and abuse.

I wanna lay it all out, because I was thinking about it and wanted to get it off my chest.

So, there are 3 kinds of messed up with my parents, all their own special brew of abusive and neglectful.

So, you have my mother. She seems like a typical Southern mom on the surface. You can see her at church. At Wal-Mart. Dresses kinda trashy. Big & loud hair, and bad teeth. But if you knew her for longer than a week, you started to get this vibe from her you couldn't quite put your finger on until you REALLY knew her.

She's one of the few people I genuinely hate in this world. Growing up, she called me names (to my face) like "fat," "stupid," and other such names, and constantly verbally demeaned, bullied, and abused me (she'd constantly "joke" about things she disapproved of, sometimes even so far as to physically do things to me I'd rather not discuss publicly; she'd withhold information from me constantly, the list goes on. When my parents were talking about getting divorced, she took me to the Taco Bueno/Raising Cane's parking lot shortly after my birthday and told me and made me choose right then and there who I wanted to live with (which is a whole other emotional experience.)) She'd do things from her "jokes," to the "punishment" she came up with where every time I said something she didn't like, she'd slap my face.

Point blank. Didn't matter where or when it was, she did it. More often than not, it was whenever she felt like.

And then there was the privacy invasions. At first, it seemed logical (for someone who's grown up like that) that she saw everything. All my game accounts were linked to hers, and she knew my school-assigned email address (they used it to help teach us about "the real world".) I wasn't allowed to have a phone until age 13, which she could go through any time she wanted.

She'd punish me for whatever she wanted, whenever she wanted, however she wanted. One summer (and this was in Texas, in an area where it gets particularly hot/humid) she locked me out of the house all day (from 9 until about 6 or 7 at night, whenever she decided to get back,) and told me I wasn't allowed back inside (she would contest that because she only forbade me from entering, and told my older sister and two stepsisters I was allowed exactly 1 five-minute bathroom break all day and to tie me down outside if I needed to be, that she "technically" didn't lock me out) until she got back. I wasn't allowed any food, and had to drink from a dirty ass hose. I wasn't allowed to accept help from anyone, and my sisters weren't allowed to take food outside to me. She got home that evening and made me go straight to bed, then said I "hadn't learned anything" and made me do it all over again. I literally went 48 straight hours without food during that time.

The thing she was "punishing" me for? My dog had decided it wanted to lay down while I was taking it for a walk and got his belly a little red and some dirt on it.

Point is, knowing my mother, she was out-right abusive. Case #1 for abusive parents. From her, trust issues and paranoia got amplified, but those are whole other stories.

My dad and stepmom, on the other hand, were more into the manipulative side of things (my dad resorting to getting physical "if need be.")

My dad looks like a quirky guy on the outside. Tall, bald, tattooed. If you meshed with him, you'd get along swimmingly. Otherwise, you were me.

At first, I didn't notice his bigotry (I mean how could I? I was basically a smaller version of him, but not quite.) It wasn't until I'd gotten on Tumblr (about 2010 ish was when I first got on? If I remember correctly) and started questioning basically everything about myself when I started recognizing the subtler things, and it was definitely apparent when my older sister moved in with us.

At the time, she'd left my mom's house (because she'd gotten to her, too) and I was about 14-15. I found out before my parents did that she was actually transgender (and went by he/him pronouns, had a support group, etc.) I was like "oh cool I've always wanted an older brother" but the condition was I not tell my parents until it had already been brought up.

Now... Especially with my dad, he'll say he'll support someone he cares about unconditionally, but if you do something he doesn't agree with, he'll either get... Apprehensive, or just straight-up drop you. When he found out about my older brother, he basically bullied "the phase" (as my dad called it) out of him. It officially ended with a Christmas story that actually involves my stepmom.

Anyways, that's where I started finding out that even though he claimed to be unconditionally supportive, he wasn't.

Long story short, had a Tumblr and a support group, they found out about it, literally took everything away from me and invaded my privacy on literally all my accounts, told me I was "being enabled" because I had friends who'd sent me positivity during a barage of Anon hate, wouldn't even listen to me when I tried to explain how I literally didn't know how some of the stuff that was on there wasn't me (someone has gained access to my account and basically started up a sideblog that let's just say a 14-year-old shouldn't even look at, much less have,) tried to get me to tell them "the whole truth" and when I came out about my sexuality had to bottle it up again and act like it was "just a phase" because of how they reacted, and over the course of the next 5 years tried to invade my privacy as much as they possibly could. (Hell, even today, my dad still has my old email account on his phone to "check on it")

He's the kinda guy who would physically restrain me from doing something, then claim I voluntarily didn't do it. The list goes on.

My stepmother was arguably one of the most manipulative people I ever knew. Anti-vaxxer (to the point that she signed a consent form saying neither of my little sisters could get immunization shots from their schools and when asked about it, shrugged it off and was like "they don't need them," but there was more), terf bangs, the whole shebang. Would constantly goad people, then when someone called her out on it acted like she was the victim. Got my dad to yell at me/restrain me because I was "being too aggressive" trying to not have a panic attack because she was yelling. Got the word "ridiculous" banned in the house (yes, literally banned.) So, so much more.

She'd constantly demean me and talk down to me and about me, tell my sister's they didn't have to listen or pay attention to me, and when I brought it up to my dad/publicly, she'd simply act confused and say she didn't know what I was talking about, or that I was misremembering (a common tactic my mother used that my dad and stepmom hated.) One time, my dad actually asked me if she turned into my mother when she was gone, and I paused for a moment and was like "I mean yeah." (Don't ask how that resolved.)

She was the kind of woman who would slap you in the face and then talk to you long enough to try to convince you that you were never actually slapped in the face (unlike my mom, who would and would just tell you you deserved it.) This was the woman who, when my older sister's friend asked how her son was doing, almost caused a scene by loudly stating that her "daughter was doing just fine and I'll let her know that you were thinking about her." (Mind you this friend didn't know that my older brother was trans. This friend only knew him as he, and once even when I slipped up they didn't seem to notice it.)

All my parents would constantly demand someone access my email, messages, and history at any given point. I had friends who I talked to about this that I was scared shitless my parents would find out about because I didn't wanna lose them. I made so many accounts to cover my tracks I've literally lost access to a lot of them because I just can't remember the login details. My parents constantly told me "if you're hiding something that means you know it's bad" out of the blue, keeping me in a constant state of paranoia.

One time, I'd accidentally left my phone in my room and my dad walked in and stayed in for an abnormally long amount of time. I didn't go in because I knew they would definitely see that as a sign something was up, and just rode out my anxiety until my dad walked out, a hand in his pocket. He made this dramatic deal of calmly saying "Now... You know the rules... I'll forgive you this time, but next time will be worse... Especially after what's happened before..." And I was freaking the fuck out. He looked at me and laughed as he pulled a candy wrapper out of his pocket. He said he chose those words specifically because he wanted to see what kind of reaction he'd get out of me.

There are so many other examples I could bring up that I don't have the time or emotional energy to all in one post, but it breaks my heart there are still people who don't believe there are people like this out there. I once had a guy ask "well if your mom's that bad how come she's not in prison?" And my reply was simple: "Because she can cover herself up well." Parents like this are out there. People like this are out there. Please don't let this be your relationships in any fashion because you don't deserve it.

tl;dr: parental abuse and violations take many different forms. If you have any parents or people you know like this, as soon and as safely as you can, get the fuck out. They may only damage you permanently even worse.

The post that got me thinking about all this over the last emotion-charged hour and a half: https://freckledfemme.tumblr.com/post/169530766178/omgwhy-bpdcalvinfischoeder-staar84

[detrevniwrit]

re: kacchako is bad (responses)

oh my god I'm going to answer all of these in one post because it’s been a freaking long day and i have no desire to answer each individual permutation of the same sentiments over and over again

read more this time bc it didn’t seem clear enough last time by the bolded ‘kacchako is bad title’ that you can scroll past if you’re sensitive to criticism because this is a criticism of kacchako.

Concern:

Don’t tag it in the ship tag if it’s hate! Just blacklist it if it bothers you so much. People can ship it if they want, don’t be mean/an asshole! :(

Answer:

I can't believe I'm getting "let people ship what they want don't spread hate it's never worth it" msgs in this year of our lord 2017. Don't moralize down to me about spreading hate and quit acting as if I went into people’s inboxes to harass and specifically be mean to them. I used the tag, yes, but I did it to bring kacchako fans’ attention to legitimate concerns I have about the ship’s consequences, and I made my opinion very explicit in the bolded title of the post so people can scroll past if they’re sensitive. I thought it was worth the risk to my sanity to make sure that people who aren't as sensitive to criticism won’t just ignore that there are important issues with kacchako because it’s easier, or because they just don’t know/never thought about it. (I’m now partially feeling it wasn’t worth it, but determined to stand by my points)

Concern:

I think kacchako is fine and I don’t defend abuse! I just imagine them in a place where Bakugou is grown up and not abusive anymore and Ochako doesn’t take that shit!

Answer: 

It has occurred to me that it’s rarely anyone’s intention to support abuse, which is why I bothered to write the original post at all. To reiterate my argument so I don’t get confused ‘kacchako is not abusive’s in my inbox, I’m not saying that kacchako is inherently abusive. I’m saying that as Izuku’s friend, Ochako wouldn’t be motivated to date Bakugou specifically because he bullies Izuku and has abusive tendencies towards her friend, and because she’s someone who cares about Izuku’s wellbeing she wouldn’t be interested in someone who continues to unapologetically treat Izuku like that. 

There is no ‘she secretly likes Bakugou’ right now, or vice versa. She just wants to catch up to Izuku. And Bakugou does not respect her more than he sees her as a threat.

To the reimagining future Bakugou part: again, I doubt anyone has the intention to erase Izuku’s experience as a victim of Bakugou’s bullying. I’m saying that no one writes Bakugou changing from a bully into a better person respectfully or realistically. Most interpret Bakugou’s one interaction with Ochako (in which he considers her a legitimate threat to beat) as an indicator of Bakugou beginning to change because of Ochako, even if after this interaction he’s still only interested in winning and dominating over others and if people are potentially in his way. 

Let me give you a definition of domestic abuse (my bolding):

"domestic abuse occurs whenever one person in an intimate relationship or marriage tries to dominate and control the other person. Domestic violence and abuse are used for one purpose and one purpose only: to gain and maintain total control over you. An abuser doesn’t ‘play fair.’ Abusers use fear, guilt, shame, and intimidation to wear you down and keep you under his or her thumb. Your abuser may also threaten you, hurt you, or hurt those around you.”

All kacchako shippers imagine a future Bakugou as someone who automatically deserves forgiveness for not being an asshole anymore, most likely due to Ochako keeping him in line, and not a single one has been able to describe, in informed detail, about how hard it is to change abusive behavior. 

“In discussing why abusers abuse, it’s clear that a lot of the causal factors behind these behaviors are learned attitudes and feelings of entitlement and privilege — which can be extremely difficult to truly change. [...] While we hope abusive partners will change, it’s not always realistic to expect that they can and will. Focus on changes you can control to improve your own life, because you deserved to feel loved, happy and safe.”

Signs of progress of changing abusive behavior include (some bolded for what I think kacchako shippers particularly don’t take into account often when characterizing future Bakugou):

Admitting fully to what they have done

Stopping excuses and blaming

Making amends

Accepting responsibility and recognizing that abuse is a choice

Identifying patterns of controlling behavior they use

Identifying the attitudes that drive their abuse

Accepting that overcoming abusiveness is a decades-long process — not declaring themselves “cured”

Not demanding credit for improvements they’ve made

Not treating improvements as vouchers to be spent on occasional acts of abuse (ex. “I haven’t done anything like this in a long time, so it’s not a big deal)

Developing respectful, kind, supportive behaviors

Carrying their weight and sharing power

Changing how they respond to their partner’s (or former partner’s) anger and grievances

Changing how they act in heated conflicts

Accepting the consequences of their actions (including not feeling sorry for themselves about the consequences, and not blaming their partner or children for them)

Making Bakugou an adult does not change that you need to write him checking his abusive behavior.

Concern:

But Bakugou has changed at this point in the manga---he and Izuku now have an understanding of trust and respect.

Answer:

Bakugou has only demonstrated one instance that he could be changing. Though change for Bakugou is a good and decidedly difficult feat, one instance does not an abusive pattern break.

Let me direct you to the classic cycle of abuse by psychologist Lenore Walker, with helpful manga caps from Ch. 117-121:

1) Tension building phase 

2) Acute battering phase (in which Izuku absolutely does not want to fight at first until he feels obligated to)

3) Honeymoon phase

“The abuse may be terrible, but the promises and generosity of the honeymoon phase give the victim the false belief that everything will be all right.”

Secondly, to the aforementioned abuse-changing bullets Bakugou has not achieved up to after he’s fought with Izuku Ch. 117-121:

Admitting fully to what they have done

Accepting responsibility and recognizing that abuse is a choice

Accepting that overcoming abusiveness is a decades-long process — not declaring themselves “cured”

Thirdly, to what he is beginning to do

Stopping excuses and blaming

Carrying their weight and sharing power

I concede that Bakugou is making steps towards change because he is a hardheaded egoistic teenager who up to this point hadn’t offered help out of his own volition. But if you’re taking this as a sign that he’s anywhere near lasting and permanent change, even years from now---I almost literally just wrote a foot of text and references as to why that isn’t realistic or respectful towards the realities of abusive behavior. Please realize you are likely oversimplifying his path towards change.

Concern:

Not all kacchako shippers are like that! I know (insert fanworks here) that are respectful, good, etc,

Answer:

Show me. I’m more than willing to take a look and then give you my detailed opinion afterwards, if you’d like.

Concern:

I’m not trying to force a het agenda, I just like the dynamic.

Answer:

I mentioned before that people may not realize their intentions don’t match up with consequences. I just wrote more than 2 hours worth explaining why kacchako doesn’t have a sensical basis for a good relationship and am considering just passing out on the spot right at this moment in sheer exhaustion. I’m just going to post screenshots that actually do have the aforementioned good qualities and ask politely that you consider these respective Ochako and Katsuki ships, instead of kacchako het, which endorses a contrived relationship over not straight ones that actually have a basis of mutual affection in canon:

Fuck, if you really really want to ship Uraraka with a guy Iida and/or Midoriya have plenty of shared affection and solid relationships with her, I trust you don’t need me to screen cap to know that. 

Concern:

If Bakugou is so problematic, wouldn’t any ship with him be problematic (including kiribaku)?

Answer:

Finally a good question. I would say yes and no. Yes, because if you’re a survivor of abuse it’s perfectly valid and understandable not to want to think about Bakugou and his potential romantic partners at all. No, for a variety of reasons, using kiribaku as an example: 

a) Bakugou and Kirishima are established friends with a relatively healthy, mutual relationship. Bakugou has a foul temper but he’s not abusive towards Kirishima, even going out of his way to---admittedly badly---help him study (above caps from the manga and light novel); Kirishima admires Bakugou, finds positive qualities in their friendship, and isn’t cowed, wary, or disgusted by him, like Ochako or Izuku and many others are. tl;dr, there is plenty of solid evidence to back up the mutual affection, respect, and trust between them, something that kacchako and---god forbid---bakudeku lack.

It’s actually good for Bakugou to learn how to develop uncontrolling behaviors through healthy relationships where he doesn't feel the need to dominate over his partner.  He can’t do this with Ochako, with whom he regards as nonexistent at best, and a threat to him as Izuku’s lackey at worst (I discussed this in detail further up). Referring back to the changing abusive behavior list, Bakugou’s relationship with Kirishima demonstrates that Bakugou can learn a) respectful, kind, supportive behaviors and b) carrying weight and sharing power. This doesn’t justify how Bakugou treats others, but it does facilitate a view of how Bakugou would be able to treat others better, which I think is worth exploring.

Concern:

Why do you care so much? People ship bad/problematic stuff all the time lol there’s nothing you can do to stop it. Just let it be or blacklist it or something??

Answer:

I’m maybe foolishly invested in the idea that some people don’t have to be like that when they’re informed and engaged in critical discourse, and well fuck I have time and resources and have already started two godamned things this weekend with fandom out of probably masochistic impulses, so why the fuck not. 

Just because I don’t like something doesn’t mean I’m here to attack people or be unwilling to talk to them about it---rather, I’m more concerned that people are so unwillingly to talk about why the things they like isn’t good?? 

Kacchako is just one instance. I can provide a lot more examples of this kind of behavior in different areas of interest, in detail, with plenty of support and reasons, over private message. Otherwise, I’m not interested in making a detailed -post- of examples of bad kacchakos because honestly, I’ve already spent a lot of my time writing this when I could be discussing more pressing issues. The downsides of hyper focus.

On that note, forgive me if I don’t immediately respond to further replies any time soon after this post. After more than 10 messages that entirely missed the point I’ve exhausted myself thinking people could put aside their first impulses and self-indulgences to maybe formulate better opinions on tumblr.com, rather than sending me vague, misinformed, and/or childishly defensive insults that don’t actually tell me I’m wrong.

[alexjester]

Worst things about the West midlands.

Full of unfriendly, judgemental cunts who think their shit doesn't stink and will try whatever they can to rob you, unfriendliest place in the UK by miles

Avoid places like Ladywood, Shard End, Perry Barr, Lozells, Handsworth. All those areas have been ruined by Labour Party MPs and Birmingham City's Labour Council. Those areas are known to have gangs, high unemployment, welfare dependency, poor schools, housing and health services. Ladywood is an area known for having the highest number fatherless families on welfare. So if you like single mothers with 5+ children, then Ladywood is the place to be.

Too many beggars! I was begged three times by different people each time in multiple places in the city centre! I was even begged in M&S in the train station! Far too many ugly looking flats that accumulate Birmingham's skyline, too many immigrants, tired looking buildings, the accents are quite dreadful, the list goes on...

I've travelled extensively all over Curling Turd Island U.K and once again it just goes to show that you can polish a turd, but in B'Ham only in places!! First impression's when I fell off the train at the labyrinthine maze that is Moor Street Station was how warped everyone looked, especially in and around Pidgeon 'Ole Park. Must of been years of abuse at the hands of vile tasting tap water (filtered from the canal of dead things and chemical waste, no doubt). Tapwater that just makes you fart and shit all day long without no sign of giving up (Aston). Also how unadulteratedly dangerous and awful the pavements and roads are here and how badly planned "Sloppy Second's" is on the whole. A big no no for visitor's/guests. Everything in this binned off, trolleyed country is only in car-distance, as per usual, and OMG what an infested shit'ole - rat's, wasps everywhere, ant's nests, aliens from outer space and Zombie's everywhere!! Progress is so slow in B'ham, is Sloppy Seconds therefore by dinosaurs? The main urban sprawl High Streets are caked with Zombie's walking up and down all day with their hand's out, looking for something (for nothing) -the nanny-stater's have the wrong shit-trousers on all day with only dick-pence to offer anyone. I want to get out!

The accent. Is it even English? I thought Ozzy Osbourne's speech was incomprehensible because it was affected by years of drug abuse...until I moved to Birmingham.

All the lads speak like Benny from Crossroads and the girls are goddam hideous and go out sat night with all their fat on show, fat thighs in mini skirts, love handles bulging over waistlines and massive arses in tight clothing - not a good look. Brums have no class or etiquite

OMG where do I start - driving there is hell, brum accent makes anyone u speak to appear as thick as shit, hardly anyone has a proper job an loads on the dole, very dirty, chavs chavs and more chavs, pigeon shit all over the place, beggars, whores and pimps at every corner. Basically an ugly uninspiring city inhabited by unemployed losers.

what exactly is there about birmingham to make one jealous - this is obviously a joke - go to manchester, edinburgh, london, bristol instead.

Birmingham actually is the Second City. It didn't gain that name through through no reason at all. Don't believe otherwise. Mancs are just jealous that Brum got the name before they did. This is one of the worst things about Birmingham. Or should that be about Manchester? Hrrrm.

Being the victim of homophobic verbal abuse on the train into the station when I'd been enjoying myself previously in the modern and enlightened city that is Manchester. Well done you two prats/bigots - you must feel really clever- I just feel sorry for you.

erdington high street oh what a joy to walk down there on a saturday after the alkies and bag heads have finished with it . it reminds me of the thriller video except a 100 times more paranoid.and the bromford estate ive seen better estates in the third world.cheesy kevs chavy daves and sharons with the standard " ennit " nosestud ,saxo drivers,bmw innit drivers,and them divs who wear coats on hot days with there farahs on and a key chain and greased hair who aint had the ride in years..

it is full of windowlickers

Manchester IS the second city. Brummies and their surrounding counties that use the city need to come out of denial and actually look at the facts. Birmingham is a disgrace: right wing, old fashioned and very very unfriendly.

unfriendly people, with an old school culture all of their own - most of the midlands is like this - with the exception of nottingham

Dreary, dull city in the middle of three old school, old fashioned counties, unfriendly people, junkies, lack of fashion sense and grooming.

Teen Culture ( A unch of Weemo Teeny Boppers dancing to Panic! At the Disco and the fucking Kooks.

sty andrews. a piss poor imitation of legoland

crowds, ignorance

lots an lots of pigeons that wait til ur a few inches away before flyin in ur face lol

public transport

Kings Heath High Street: More nutters per metre then Bedlam on a full moon.

The people - rude, ignorant, arrogant, unfriendly, cocky ... not nice. I hardly speak to them, as I hate the accent as well. Black Country accent IS totally different - better, as we don't have extended vowels that go on forever !!!!!!!!!!

The Brummies - arrogant, ignorant, rude, impatient & think they're better than anyone else 'cause they live in Britain's 2nd city. Erdington - what an area, never realised such bad areas existed. At least I never have to go out with my hair brushed, otherwise they all stare. The homeless people - why so many & where do they go when the change shift at Snow Hill ?

More Area more "chav's" and/or "Gansta's"

homeless, someone please look after them., they need our help

few idiots

Chavscum and 'PUNK' wannabes will always be the worst. Yes, Birmingham is still quite dirty, but most of the dirty dirty bits have been filtered out, unlike Manchester... ughh.

rain!

Birmingham is crap. Traffic congestion means it takes forever to get anywhere, and it's a nightmare getting a taxi home from town. The place has no character, and Brummies moan constantly. Everything here is mainstream, and there is no real alternative culture. The people who like the place are those who haven't lived anywhere else. Believe me, are much better places to be.

I'm amazed at the positive things I read here. Believe me the only people who like Birmingham are those who have never lived anywhere else and consequently don't know any better. It takes forever to get anywhere because of the congestion, and poor public transport, most of it is ugly in the extreme, and everyone moans constantly. Unless you are utterly mainstream, it's just plain dull.

My beautiful DMR hardtail getting stolen - theiving chavs!!!

i have to disagree with kingstanding being one of the nicer areas in birmingham, i should know, i live there

the slowly tightening grip of the cheese extreme that rules the Broad Street night life - lets hope it shoots itself in the foot and peeps start to drift away from the flock in search of fresher, hipper beats!

The modern Christmas tree outside St Martins Church (in the Bull Ring). A traditional tree would have been more appropriate

Plastic Paddy Pubs, Corporate Pubs. Deafening bands with little or no talent and deaf soundmen. The Jam House - load of bollocks prices run by conmen - Jools should be ashamed! Look what they did to Ronnie Scotts!

Being from a place where your accent is constantly being mistaken for the black country accent (its a completly differrent dialect and place, arghhh) and people who think that Manchester is the 2nd city when its bloody well not!!!

too much violence, street robbery, and smackheads.

Kevins and sharons!!!!!

er....Trans?

Dont worry about there being a selfridges in the Bull Ring Centre - there is gonna be a Bear Factory store there - definately a good shop to go to for everyone!

The homeless people on Broad Street

Overcrowding, congestion and too much concrete

Hip Hop, d&b, alternative scene isn't that good - it's all about Broad Street. Homeless people - it seems to me loads of them have better trainers than me and are just plain rude if you don't have any money to give them!

New Street Station and the Palasades.

birmingham lives in the shadow of london too much, but shouldn't! it may be our second city in size but difinetly not in heart!!!

The problem is someones bound to get shot up at the bloody ice rink my brother nearly did.

there seems to be a good amount of style-conscious people in birmingham but having said that, there are (young) people who expect to be taken seriously whilst wearing their adidas poppers tucked into their nike socks and sporting flourescent orange trainers. (all i have to say about them is 'no'. no no no no no no no.) despite the fact that theres a lot of inter-racial and inter-faith tolerance and acceptance in birmingham, there is some amount of discrimination, although not just racism - but the culprits are the ones who wear their tracksuit trousers tucked into their socks, so you've got to ask yourself whether or not they can help themselves, really......

the victorian terraces, burberry cap sporting fools, woodsurfing wankers, goths and freaks( their parents hate them and they blame everyone else), the oasis market, plankriders, skateboarders, jitters, er anythin else to call this fraternity?? oh yeah, tossers. i think thats it. and that man (you know who you are, lakvir of halesowen college) who cracked one off on the number 9 bus in broad daylight, then unloaded in his bag. dirty bastard.

THE WANABES FROM SOLIHULL THINKIN THERE GOOD WEN THERE NOT! AND LOOKIN AT THE REAL SKATERS LIKE THERE NOTHIN WEN WE REALLY ARE.

pigs

The rubbish that constantly litters the streets, other places

Birmingham is the worst City you can ever dream of living in. I was born in Birmingham and have spent years trying to shake of the misery of Brummiedom. Fights, lads, slappers, concrete, abuse, sexism, racism - need I go on?

Far too many aggressive beggars who are blatantly not homeless and are all mashed off their tits and out looking for cash for their next bag of smack, dodgy geezers in hoods hanging around at night, The Rotunda - it's just goddamn ugly, Travel West Midlands... "bus every 6 minutes" (or more like, "4 buses within 3 minutes, once an hour") - totally unreliable and totally bollocks, too many identically-clothed (Rockport & Kickers) Shazza and Kev gangs (fuck off you no-hopers), the city centre is always being dug up for some unknown reason, people smoking on buses (despite the large "�500 fine" signs, which TWM never enforce), high likelihood of robbery at night in some areas (be very careful and always stay aware of who is around you!)

too many OSP's telling you to be quiet!

bham's known for pocket pickin and druggies and rcism but realy if you keep youre self to youre self its not realy that bad!

where do i start. Theres no country side, everywhere u look u see tarmac and metal. The people are ignorant and no one ever says thanku 2 the bus driver, which really annoys me. Sutton area is full of psychos and people openingly smoke weed on the bus - which then makes the driver get high.Need i say more.

Beggars. If you're shopping, watch your handbags (girls) and wallets (guys).

Kevs and shazzas (townies), crap local radio, kevs, busses are always late, shazzas, broad street (if u like alt music) did i mention the kevs?

it's a big grey concrete mess not pretty, the high street shops like o neill and virgin are expensive

Our terrible spelling.

Birmingham is very dirty, especially Bordesley Green, where I work. Think before you drop litter!

modernisation redevelopment of city not complete till at least 2006 utter chaos street closures etc.

Nothing, birmingham's brilliant, OK maybe too many cars

Kevs! Pack them all up and send them back to Slutton Coldfield where they spawned from. In fact, the whole of Slutton seems like a giant conspiracy at times to undermine Birmingham's healthy anti-Kev attitude. Incidentally, anyone from down around Hodge Hill and Ward End keep your eye on Star City...the Kev Migration seems to be moving in that direction... Anti-Sk8ing-Coppers who confisk8 your board!!!

the chewing gum on the pavement. Street beggars wearing brand new nikes! (???)

it's a pig ugly place

Its lack of individuality sometimes annoys me. Broad Street could be great, but its been bitten by the Chain Pub & Restaurant Bug. I want unique places!! Manchester and London do it - why not Brum!

Traffic jams on the M6!!! They put LA to shame.

Aston V#��@!!!! Apologies to all who have the misfortune to visit the collection of sheds called V#��@ Park, if the council was full of bluenoses the place would be turned into housing.

The annoying Ben Sherman/Hackett/Rockport shirted scum yes you!

Pubs stop serving at 22:50 at the weekend??? But that is England all over The crappy public transport system

The TERRIBLE, DISGUSTING, and downright FRIGHTENING mess of roads and subways and dereliction that is the Bull Ring. The area around the Arcadian, with the gay village and Chinatown, is great but the roads and subways and ramps in between that area and the city square are horrible. Really scary. No thought to pedestrians at all.

People are a bit too "uptight" and need to lighten up, lay back , an' feel them warm rays of heaven on them pasty faces. Maybe have a little glass o' somethin' an' smile a little.,....yooo know whut aah mean!!!!

People who have this Solihull mentality whereby they they keep diassociating Handsworth from Handsworth Wood - both together (I've lived in both) are far more scenic/exciting/historically valuable than some other areas of the city I won't embarrass by naming!! If you're still not convinced, try this - THERE'S NO MORNING RUSH HOUR!!! (We Northsiders spend far less of our ives sitting in our cars / on buses)

The street cleaner at the library. Looks like an elf. Calls you a cunt when you don't do a single thing. Deliberately trashes your bag by pouring water over it. Also very paranoid, he believes that there is a camera hidden in a security light (there is definitely not)

TWM, total rip off of a bus company.

Perry Barr. Its bad. Its worse than bad. Its fucking awful.

Sutton snobs and the University district - well run down.

architecture. neglect of some areas (Digbeth in town has mucho potential town planners). having to listen to prats from completely inferior towns whitter on about crappy brum, when they haven't been there, or never explored when they were.

The buses, operated by Travel West Midlands, which are cack. They don't give change which is as primitive in the sphere of public transport as it is possible to get, and a constant source of annoyance.

Living, or hanging out anywhere near Bournville - the place has no pubs at all due to it being built by the Quaker family that owned Cadburys.

The subways and underpasses. Some are very frightening to walk through alone. Thankfully Birmingham is being 'redesigned' at the moment and it is improving by the day.

The nightlife. It's a bit dead really.

The worst thing? Most of the suburbs. Whilst the City has spent a lot of money and effort into redesigning the Centre for the post-industrial age, most routes out of the city are scattered with dilapidated ex-factories and buildings; some of the residential areas (such as Handsworth or Handsworth Wood) are frightening to be in at night.

Moronic southerners who think Birmingham's a northern shitehole somewhere near Manchester. Wrong - it's a midlands semi-paradise with trees somewhere near Stratford.

Villa fans.

Wost thing about Brum: some of the office blocks are SO gross. Bring 'em down. Good news is that next year the Bull Ring will be bulldozed and replaced by a 300 million development which will boast the only branch of Selfridges outside London. The accent is a pain in the arse, and makes even the most intelligent person sound as thick as shit.

Brum hasn't had a medium sized music venue since the Hummingbird closed down 5 years ago, forcing bands to play in Wolverhampton or Leicester. This seriously hampers local talent (no, not bloody Ocean Colour Scene)and Brum is crying out for a "scene" of some description PLEASE!! The suburbs need some urgent cosmetic attention too and local transport could do with an overhaul s!

Traffic Wardens

The young fisher lads obsession with their fast cars is brain numbing. A quality night out for them consists of driving your fast car round and round the town centre, climaxing in pulling in next to some other young things in their cars in the Balmoor Cemetery carpark. And you can bet they're not there to place flowers on poor old Granny's grave.

Accent, traffic, no one knowing where B'ham is.

Can be a bit scary at night, especially for people from out of town.

lycra clad no hopers

Man U Fans, Blues Fans.

Seriously deranged people appearing on a regular basis, care in the community in action in Birmingham obviously.

The accent.

Private Hire drivers - mostly 'Care in the community' releasees from All Saint's Hospital.

[taycambria]

the sounds that come and we become...

CW: trauma; childhood abuse; domestic abuse. Don’t read this if you are highly uncomfortable with knowing more about the trauma I’ve experienced.

4th of July is coming up, and there are mixed feelings. There are those who celebrate to have an excuse to drink and forget who is the president; those who like the pretty light show; those who could not care less and would rather be in Britain anyway. 

The holiday can be problematic to a ton of people. Ignoring the fact that the 4th is the day that the most pets go missing because of the firework explosions, we must not forget that humans also suffer from these sounds. Trauma survivors. Veterans with PTSD. Domestic abuse victims. We suffer.

Now, I am certainly not claiming that people who aren’t triggered by the fireworks are horrible and should stop using them. I also would never wish the anxiety caused by the noises on anyone who can enjoy the show without freaking out. There’s not a solution per se. I love watching the shows. But it does help to have some acknowledgement.

Acknowledge our triggers. Acknowledge that they are very real and valid and harmful. Acknowledge that you might be a complete asshole for making fun of our triggers. “Oh, you can’t even watch a harmless firework show?? You’re crazy. Triggerrrrrrrred.” Fuck. Off. Fuck off first, and then thank whatever deity you believe in that you don’t have to suffer from an annual celebration. 

I have misophonia, a disorder that makes me highly sensitive to noises that shouldn’t otherwise bother people much. Many with my disorder are triggered by chewing noises, tapping, crunching, etc. While I am sensitive to gum chewing (my poor best friend), my biggest triggers are louder, more surprising noises. Cabinet slamming; car honking and braking; people yelling and cursing (especially men); loud thudding; drum banging (especially snare); and, you guessed it, fireworks exploding.

Sure, you might also be somewhat bothered by my triggers, but misophonia is different, more intense. My brain gives me two options: fight or flight. I am in the majority of others who suffer from misophonia who choose the latter option. We want to get far away as soon as possible. Few, however, become violent as their “fight” kicks in. In my case, if I can’t leave the noise right away, I become a zombie, trapped in my own mind and oblivious to anything around me. Imagine being trapped in a room where someone was scraping nails on a chalkboard continuously. That’s what this feels like. There is no escape. I sometimes feel like I want to die if that’s the only way I can get peace and quiet, and that is so fucking scary.

I can’t say the same for other misophonia sufferers, but my disorder can be traced back to my childhood. My earliest memory is of violence. I had to run to the bathroom and call 911 when I was 4 or 5. Before that, there was sure to have been a lot of yelling and stress, as my parents separated when I was an infant. My mother married an abusive alcoholic when I was 6, and he was constantly coming home to yell, slam doors, blast music, and thud around the house. I hid in the closet often to escape the noise, a warning to what I saw as danger. I thought if I hid, he wouldn’t come looking for me. He would forget I existed and just go to bed. As I got older, my coping mechanisms got easier, but the abusive behavior in my home didn’t go away. I could easily get in my car and drive away if necessary. I could run to my neighbors house to seek sanctuary. I could leave. 

But every time I left an abusive situation, another appeared. Other men came into my life and caused mayhem. One after another, man after man came into my life, with my mom’s permission, and added more rubber bands to the ball which would become my current mental disorder. Now, every time I hear a trigger sound, I am transported back in time to be that little helpless girl who hid in her closet to escape. 

4th of July is a beautiful holiday. If the noises were muted, I might have a nice time. Earplugs are helpful but are only a temporary relief of misophonia symptoms. I can only hope that someday, people will be more aware of how triggers work and how awful they can be. I can only hope that someday, I will be able to enjoy the show without becoming a zombie. Until then....

[whimsically-ominously-auspice]

So the people 4900 humans were mutilated

They were cut up and dismembered while alive.

Alex says you want to know what i think.

I don't want to.

Because what i know is this is the tip of the iceberg. What you saw today was the ones that are normal.

There are going to be worse cases that will be surfaced.

What you saw today was mild.

What i feel is irrelevant. I don't have the time not opportunity to reflect and feel about those cases

You know how i feel about human trafficking. You know how i feel about abuse. You know how i feel about people harming humans.

I should not have to explain how i feel.

You need to know it will be worse.

14000 estimated... Only 4900 had physical distortions you could see. The rest were metaphysical and under the skin. Under their clothes.

The horrific procedures these humans suffered courageously only to live in pure Hell...

I will not minimize the suffering of any human.

However the physical mutilation of what you will see in the future is much greater. Frankenstein doesn't even cover it.

You'll see people with all skin removed. All bones removed and still expected to work. People with exposed brain tissue. Their hair growing out of their brain because they have no skull.

I've talked to most and minimized most of their pain and blessed the facilities they were in so they could not feel harm nor new victims if they were taken in.

They did not want to surface to land until the time was ready. Because they are horrifically disfigured.

They did not want a full heal. Nor did they want desth nor removal.

They wanted to be safe and allowed to present their bodies to you. The rest of the world.

To know why to tell you how this happened to them.

Many have lived in these conditions for over 200 years. Hidden. We closed as many off to predators as well could by feining their deaths. By their bodies laying on top of each other in open door ways. And me screaming they were dead. So we were able to close the labs for the time being.

Sneak food to the victims through another pathway.

S0 for 200 years they have waited to tell you all how lucky you are to only have been kidnapped. To only have been raped. To only have lost your jobs and forced to stand 4 feet away from each other.

Some but not all want a full heal.

So the zombie apocalypse we have had on tv and y'all dressed up for on Halloween -- it was for them. To tell them they would be accepted on the top soil of the Eaerth, as they are.

Because they wanted to know they would be safe and unharmed further. And I wanted them to know they would be loved.

Out in Corsicana Texas is where we will find most. Under ground in a lab North West of the city.

It is requested you proof the existence. A newspaper or date on phone or some way of proving these people are for real being rescued this day and age in 2020 AD e.

Only previously selected elite will attend the

What I feel is grief. And sadness.

2/3 want to come to the surface of the Earth to simply die. Once and for all.

But we won't allow that. Their shame. Their wanting to hide their bodies. They want to protect what has been done to them

They want to hide in shame and anxiety for what abuse they suffered

They do not want to stand tall and proud and say "i am human and I have a right to live"

They want to finally say to all of us "I am not as good as you and I will die before you to prove it so"

I could cry all day for my broken heart for them.

And so instead in my usual fashion i am gonna slap their fucking face and say wake up beasts. I fucking love you. And you're not dying because you don't like the mirror.

And so we have a whole thing organized and planned for two days.

They do normal shit although they look like Hell. Potato sack races and Warrior training all kinds of shit.

So we will have Team Elite compete with The Underground Victims.

I think the Elite Military will fail. I think this because they train to save other's lives while the underground their own and others and they know the horrific things that can happen.

So when y'all are allowing Evil to be saved

Our 200 plus year old humans in hibernation under ground will come out and show you why you cannot EVER allow that to happen again.

I wrote in dramatics. But reality is horrifying.

Several other mutilated and severely damaged "corpse" will fly in. Some from right here in New Mexico.

Trees will build invisible walls to prevent others from trying to get in. At times they will be visible and will block the view. Especially for frightened children that may have came to look.

There are 3,475 that are just over 200 years old. They wanted to come out when it was safe from aliens

I assure it is not. However this morning tree asked if they were ready to surface. They said no..

Tree said "fuck shit you're coming out. I don't wanna hear youre sorry we have fun and games planned"

Slowly their fear disintegrated into acceptance.

They were told if they lost at the games and they would -- then they would be able to die freely for eternity's sake.

They were happy to never have to live again.

I will win. That is all I have to say.

So play the hardest. Play the best. Don't give pity to another team. Both sides kick ass.

We have Team Mutilated like you saw today. We have Team Mutilation. We have Team Death and Team Elite.

So we are doing this Olympic style... But each team gets a trophy... So track If Team Mutilation doesn't come running across finish until they are actually #8 their trophy will represent that. If they're last place then they are.

So each team will get placed. And then their overall team placement will be getting a trophy at Diamond. Gold. Titanium Steel and copper.

Of course we will have the actual winner list so if Team Elite beat at the first five levels. It will be recorded.

The point is. Humans have survived in shame for 200 years. Only for you to witness their beings and then die.

So i want them to see while they are some of the worst -- they are not the only. And while our strongest and kindest military competes they will lose because they don't have 200 years of physical training. They don't have 200 plus years of physical memory. They haven't spent 200 years paying attention how their body is or works

I expect Team Death to win at all categories except a small handful.

That is why i said i win. Because i want them to try and i want them to prove to us that live only 40 to 100 years and were all shriveled up in wheelchairs why the point is to survive for eternity. I need them to show us the difference in their physical blessings and a regular human being.

They agreed to but also said they wanted to die.

So y'all believe in miracles. I have more than one planned. They don't have phones. But i talked about it the other day. The P-word and 4 words in the thesaurus.

I am hoping they feel love and acceptance and finally actual pride in the first time in over 50 years.

Not just pride. But pride in their human bodies.

That in itself is a miracle.

And then I can perform more.

And if they don't want to try to live... I'll ask them if they want to if they got 5 thesaurus words some of y'all looked up... And then we will magic them up.

Like I said. I will win.

I say me perform -- my associates the Trees will actually. We have had a lot of practice and discussion.

Matt Hagan is one of the Zulululu aliens which performed abortions then sewed the babies to the outer limbs or the parents So "they always hold their children" and quite a few more grotesque things.

Remember while they don't look human, they are. So if you watch the games live don't cheer for their deformities but what they can do despite them.

So you can say "man look at that 13 armed dude go!! Omg he has 13 arms how amazing is that" because he's juggling or catching frisbees and playing with 9 other people and not missing one. You applaud the skill they now have not the pain they suffer. In my example i pointed out the dude has 13 arms then said what he was doing was amazing.

I did not use proper punctuation. Just like verbalization doesn't either..

So don't accuse any one in your house of making the injuries they sustained insignificant.

The point is to show off their skill and survival DESPITE what the bastards did to them.

So even if your kid says "I wish I had 13 arms" they're not dismissing how fucking horrific it is.

They are saying "wow that guy is my hero"

"I'm jealous. The things I could do like him"

Let the people in your house and home have freedom of expression. Even if you don't understand what the fuck they are saying or where it comes from.

I'd rather hear envy than disgust. So would they.

Yes it will freak the fuck out of you. So the goal is to find one that fascinates you. Or you feel comfortable looking at.

There are some that honestly always freaked me out and they would say "see? How can we go back to our lives when you are one of the nicest and even you can't stand to see or touch them?"

"Because Alex is afraid of my favorite and I'm afraid of his favorite"

"It won't never work then. We can't allow people in fear of us. Its just not right. We will just stay here then for all of eternity"

So the delicate gifts our Eaerth has is these humans.

View them as your schoolmates and best friends.

Of course we will heal them and tattoo their old nemises of themselves on their skin. They will choose. It will be painless. Like a painting with paint. Liquid regular paint.

There are 13000 participants. Only 1/3 will actively be in the games.

While the spectators are waiting my children 9 of them and likely 10 I have here in the belly will apply beautification to those who wish to survive.

Slowly the stands occupants will change to the most beautiful humans you have ever seen in your entire lives.

So one active jogger in a game of soccer will look up to see his wife. He's decided to die. She has not. And he won't find her. Because she's too beautiful. It will change his whole world, his whole mind.

"Oh well I'm gonna need to be handsome then" will say the man with a nose surgically removed and placed upside down with hands from his armpits and no arms. No neck. No throat. No upper jaw. He is one of my easy "but what am I gonna do with these? My wings?" That is what his wife calls his hands.

She feeds him she has his arms wrapped around her throat. But she's mostly in tact. Her nose is also turned upside down and her ears. Her teeth are flipped out. They used plates to push them out opposite how we use teeth braces.

"Its pretty horrific. But we are going. I got strong legs and skill" that is what he says. So i developed the games with him. And some others.

Long long time ago. They did not want the rules to be relaxed for them. They said they would refuse to play if they thought we took it easy on them.

Just for the way they look. They say Red Bull gives you wings. He truly has them. You'll see an interview with him. He can't talk very well at all it is very very muffled like he's under water or has a pillow shoved in his face because he's pissed off his wife again. ;)

So he will show you all what has happened to him. He has his wrists attached in his arm pits so he can rotate his hands.

Y'all will probably want more than 1 tv per room you watch in so you can see their glamor upgrade and the games and a 3rd if you wanna see how they live and function in the home.

I suggest if you can borrow tv from the bedrooms and line them up in the living room or den.

Or use a big screen/projector. So you can see more than one channel at once.

Volume I suggest the in home because they will speak there. And you can hear them.

Glamour my girls will announce their names and dysfunctions and then glamor up. So that should be on closed caption so you can read as well as sports

But I totally challenge you to volume on all 3.

I would sports lowest. Glamor mid and home life up most.

If you practice fine tuning your ears you can hear all 3 perfectly.

Become a freak like me.

So what do i feel? Excited and happy. I feel love.

Because there is a future. And I am sure we can convince the rest to have one too.

Hashtag Freak in social media to show support.

Please.

[d2kvirus]

Dickheads of the Month: August 2019

As it seems that there are people who say or do things that are remarkably dickheaded yet somehow people try to make excuses for them or pretend it never happened, here is a collection of some of the dickheaded actions we saw in the month of August 2019 to make sure that they are never forgotten. 

When there was the possibility of the parliamentary sovereignty that Leavers harp on about, off sprinted proven liar Boris Johnson to Balmoral to beg the Queen to suspend parliament in order to force through a No Deal Britait - but of course, everyone but him are the “traitors” in this sordid affair, even after Ben Wallace apparently forgot that cameras and microphones exist when blabbing about how Johnson did this due to fearing that his working majority of one wouldn't survive a No Confidence vote

It was so nice of Michael Coudrey to post a blatantly faked screenshot of El Paso shooter Patrick Crusias’ MyLife profile page to try and claim that Crusas was a left-wing extremist rather than, oh I don’t know, a white supremacist who happened to parrot several of Trump’s soundbites about Hispanics, let alone consider that maybe mass shootings are something that shouldn’t happen with alarming frequency

Meanwhile it was equally predictable that Paul Joseph Watson was jumping up and down yelling “See!  See!  A leftist went on a killing spree!” which not only made it obvious he was trying to divert attention from the El Paso shooter, but also drew attention to the fact that while the alt right were tripping over one another to make excuses for Patrick Crusas as he’s some poor innocent victim of society, as soon as it emerged that Connor Betts isn’t one of them the excuses evaporated

So naturally, peak twattery followed when Dmitriy Andreychenko walked into his local Missouri branch of Walmart toting a tactical rifle and handgun while wearing body armor, and when he was arrested for being such a monumental fuckwit he bleated something about testing to see if Walmart respected his Second Amendment rights

Yet somehow the UK couldn’t laugh at Americans trying to blame video games for mass shootings thanks to Priti Patel trying to create a direct link between stabbings and fried chicken

Of course Jo Swinson has taken it upon herself to say she and only she can stop Britait, which was obvious by her rejecting Jeremy Corbyn’s proposal of an interim government out of hand without any reason in spite of the fact that, as Leader of the Opposition, of a vote of no confidence in Boris Johnson does get through the Commons it will be Corbyn who is asked to put together an interim government - but Jo Swinson instead suggested the first tow backbenchers she could think of because she cannot countenance the idea of Labour stopping Britait, as at that point what is she other than somebody who lies about her voting record?

This month it was Arron Banks who wanted to sound triggered to a sociopathic degree by Greta Thunberg with his lovely response to her yachting across the Atlantic by tweeting that freak yachting accidents tend to happen at this time of year, while Julia Halfwit Hartley-Brewer posted some lame tweet gloating about she and her family would be flying across the Atlantic instead, meanwhile Roger Helmer resorted to calling her a “Swedish pixie” during one of the rare occasions he remained awake when in public and Paul Joseph Watson talked about how an autistic girl was being “exploited” - but because Arron Banks has to be Arron Banks, he had to have the most cuntish last word and said it was just a joke...like saying women wearing burqas look like letterboxes

As if proven liar Boris Johnson hadn’t used the NHS as a platform for his outright lies enough in the past three years, he pledged an increase in funding...that was actually funding that NHS providers had been saving up for the past three years, but had been unable to spend in that time as the Tory government banned them from spending it...until it became convenient enough to allow them to spend their own money

If only somebody suggested to Lou Dobbs that, if you see a group of protesters sat in the road outside the ICE facility that employs you, driving your truck just inches from their faces is guaranteed to piss them off - and then using that as an excuse to plow through the pissed off crowd is guaranteed to cost you your job and piss off everyone bar the weirdos who believe it’s not vehicular assault if you run into people with differing opinions to you

It clearly did not occur to Steve King when trying to find a logical reason to say abortions should be banned that saying the human race may not exist if not for cases of rape and incest tens of thousands of years ago doesn’t in any way defend his position, instead make it sound uncannily like he’s on the side of those who raped and pillaged

It didn’t take long before Boris Johnson started reading from the Bannon playbook, stating that he would not take interviews with the press as they’re all biased against him - yes, even the BBC, the Murdoch Empire, the Daily Mail and Daily Express, all of whom have been churning out unthinkingly slanted headlines in his favour

It was so nice that James Cleverly repeatedly wanted to talk about how the Tory MP  William Wilberforce fought to end slavery...even after it was pointed out to him the first time he made that statement that Wilberforce stood as an independent and not a Tory, no matter how many times Cleverly tries to rewrite history

Let’s see if I’ve got this straight: the Lib Dems state that they will do everything in their power to stop Britait...yet Jo Swinson has ruled out going into coalition with either Labour or the SNP, in spite the fact they both have far more MPs than the Lib Dems and just so happen to also be opposing Britait

Similarly, the best idea Caroline Lucas had for solving Britait was for an all-woman cabinet that just so happened to include her, Jo Swinson, Heidi Allen, Justine Greening, Yvette Cooper and Anna Soubry among others - and seemed confused when it was mentioned that not only did her dream cabinet exclude all men but it didn’t include a single non-white MP either, and appears to have forgotten that a woman spent between 2016-19 fucking the process up at every turn

In the latest Priti Patel brainfart, she suggested that migrants earning less than £36,000 a year are no longer welcome in the UK...clearly failing to comprehend that arbitrary figure is higher than the basic salary of any member of NHS staff, any teacher or any police officer - you know, something a Home Secretary should be able to understand...

Walking proof that nominative determinism isn't really a thing James Cleverley could only try and claim that the leaked Operation Yellowhammer dossier was “out of date” and was no remotely relevant to any discussion about what would happen if the UK leaves the EU without a deal...even though the dossier was dated 1st August 2019

There was something deeply sinister about how the BBC described Owen Jones as a “Labour activist” after he was assaulted, as opposed to...oh I don’t know?  A journalist?

With the Leave hardcore now lionising chlorinated chicken of all things, it;s not surprise that Darren Grimes tried to say there’s no issue because we also have chlorinated water...somehow spectacularly missing the point

I have no idea how the Entertainment Software Association managed to bungle so badly that they managed to release the personal information of thousands of people who attended this year’s E3, including games journalists and Youtubers/Twitch streamers, but they managed it nonetheless

In a quite remarkable turn of events there was a controversy regarding Borderlands 3 that didn’t involve Gearbox CEO Randy Pitchford, instead it was Take Two Interactive sending private investigators to the doorstep of Youtuber SupMatto to harass him into keeping quiet, and because he wasn’t keeping quiet they abused Youtube’s copyright system on an industrial scale with over 100 copyright strikes to force him off the platform because of reasons

For a documentarian Stacey Dooley makes an awful lot of factual blunders, the latest of which being a Panorama documentary where she described a Muslim prayer gesture as an “ISIS salute”, leading to the BBC removing the clip from the documentary...on the iPlayer, but leaving it in unchallenged for its initial broadcast

You would think that Microsoft wouldn’t be so dense as to release an update that cripples the computers of everyone using Windows 7 due to somebody typing a 2 instead of a 1 in one line of code, but that’s exactly what happened with the KB4512506 update that was coded by someone who assumed everyone has Windows 10

As it was time for Suzanne Moore to vomit another opinion piece into the pages of the Guardian, she took it upon herself to write a piece that managed to insinuate that Shilpa Shetty somehow deserved the racial abuse she received from Jade Goody, Jo O’Meara and Danielle Lloyd on Celebrity Big Brother back in 2007 because...hold on a minute...because Shetty had servants at home while the others didn’t which apparently makes it alright

The outraged howls from Manchester City fans and football pundits alike all because VAR rightly disallowed what would have been a last-minute winner for City was truly a sight to behold, because apparently VAR exists to make things easier for a small kabal of teams and everyone else can get fucked

...and demonstrated by Mike Dean using The Wenger Defence of “I didn’t see it guv” a week later to overrule VAR stating that Tottenham should have been awarded a penalty

...and yet the depths were truly plumbed when Ian Holloway blamed the EU for the fact he doesn’t understand the offside law, even though as a football pundit (and former manager) he’s literally paid to understand it

Ooblets developers Glumberland decided to double down on their dickheadishness which began with their smug and condescending blog post explaining why they decided to make their game an Epic Games Store exclusive, but they followed that up by acting like complete bellends on their Discord that culminated with them responding to somebody asking when they could buy the game with their own currency by telling them that nobody owed them the game

With both Bury and Bolton facing extinction, trust Sky Sports News to cover this by having a clock ticking down in the corner of the screen all day, as if the possibility (and, in Bury’s case, eventuality) of a club being kicked out of the league was the same thing as Deadline Day

Britain’s most triggered man Piers Moron Morgan was predictably irked by the Meghan Markle guest-editing Vogue because obviously somebody doing that is only after the publicity...a sentiment he neglected to express when Kate Middleton did the exact same thing a few years previously

The sensible thing that Bethesda should have done after the have done after the humiliation conga line that was Fallout 76 was try not to do anything that would irritate gamers further.  So instead they decided that, when releasing Doom - that’s the 1993 original, not the 2016 reboot - it would require players to use their Bethesda account to play the actual game 

I know it’s a cheapshot, but did UKIP really elect somebody named Dick Braine as their new leader?

How the hell did Apple develop a credit card that gets discoloured if it touches materials such as denim or leather, or to put it another way if it’s in somebody’s pocket or wallet?  What are they supposed to do?  Carry it around in their hand at maximum reach?

If you have a name like Michael Buerk it isn’t a good idea to make your name fair game, but that’s exactly what he did when he suggested that it’s potentially a good thing for obese people to die early as it would save the NHS money

And of course, it wouldn't be a month without Donald Trump being a colossal cockhead, and he certainly disappoint with his prioritising schmoozing with guests at Mar A Lago while people in Dayton and El Paso were experiencing the aftermath of their respective mass shootings, and when the Orange Overlord deigned to make a statement he not only demonstrated he couldn’t give a toss by talking about the mass shootings in Toledo and El Paso, but his response to it being plain for all to see that white nationalism was the catalyst for both was to blame video games for all of society’s ills

[canaryatlaw]

Okay, well today was better than yesterday, and I was in a significantly better mood for most of the day, although I'm back to being slightly irked now with no real logical reason (you know, other than the obvious). But yeah. Woke up, ate breakfast (fucking cocoa pebbles not nearly as good as cocoa krispies) and caught the bus to work. Tbh I don't remember that much of what I did for the morning because I kind of ended up napping for a full hour....more on that later, though. I think I was mostly just sourcing stuff and building the timeline for the TPR prep. See, the issue with the sleep thing is like, I can't just push through it. I can't control my eyes closing. And I also can't fucking type. Like it takes me twice as long to type something because every other letter is wrong. I did 30 minutes then tried to get back to work but it wasn't happening so I did another 30 and I can get away with this because I'm an intern and for the most part nobody cares what I do. I took a lunch too because fuck it, I don't care. The interesting assignment of the day came in the afternoon from my boss, she wanted me to watch a VSI (I know I defined that yesterday but I'll be nice and do it again, it's victim sensitive interview) because her computer wasn't sound equipped or whatever and mine was because of the prison calls, lol, so she wanted me to transcribe it verbatim for her. The thing was only 13 minutes long, but obviously took me substantially longer to get through because I can't type on a PC in real time conversation, lol, so I ended up pausing after each line to type it, then generally play it back to make sure I got it right. I ended up with like 13 pages of transcribed notes, so like one per minute of the video. A couple things here. One, I'd never actually watched one of these before, so I didn't really have a context for it. Two, I had no idea what the circumstances were going into this interview- if the girl had made an outcry or what had happened (I'm avoiding giving details for obvious reasons when discussing child sex abuse) but I finished it with the impression that there had been an incident. Then my boss comes back and explains she had read the detective's notes and he said there wasn't gonna be charges and it didn't seem like there was anything there, which of course was not at all what I got from it. Apparently going into it wasn't based on an outcry but a weird hotline call that the little girl had been saying sexually explicit things in school but they unfounded the report as just nothing. So I of course relayed all of this to my supervisor, and she said she'd have to watch it now haha but had my notes as well. So that took me about to the end of my day. I had a 6:30 PT appointment because it was the only one available, and after last week's fiasco I knew there was no way I would make it on time if I took the bus, so I ubered, figuring I should have just enough time to get home, change, and go right back out. Uber was in a price surge so I ended up paying like, double the normal rate (ugh) for it but whatever. I liked the driver a lot, he said I was actually his first customer because this was his first day driving for uber haha so I was like okay, hopefully this will go well! But we started talking and I went into the cases and the reforms that have been populating the news (the more recent child death case that supposedly prompted the DCFS director into reforms that I was ranting about the other day had been pretty widely reported so he brought that one up) and I told him about my case and the ridiculous can't make this shit up facts of it all. And of course we talked the random stuff. We took the street my street is off all the way up because it's pretty much a straight shot, like the bus I take to work and back, except that one goes a few blocks over then shoots down. It had a fair amount of traffic, but I had tried to allocate enough time to make sure it was okay and I arrived at my apartment just at 6:10 which was perfect, I ran in and got changed and did a few other things then came back out at 6:20 to walk over for my 6:30 appointment. While I'm almost there, I get a call from a Long Island number, so I'm like okay, I answer it and it's my psychiatrist that I've been playing phone tag with for two weeks now. Of all the shitty timing!! But I knew because of my mental state lately I did have to have this conversation now, so I ended up standing outside the therapy place on the phone for 15 minutes while motioning to them that I'd been in as soon as possible. It was a good conversation though, I'm glad we had it, and it was definitely necessary. Apparently the deal with the phone tag was the secretary or whoever would take down my message that I needed him to call back, but somehow in there my name got substituted for my mom's, so he ended up calling her repeatedly and trying to figure out what was going on before someone realized OH, it's the daughter who's in Chicago and not Long Island, lol. So that made me feel significantly better than my messages weren't being deliberately ignored. So I told him my exams were over and my anxiety was through the roof, with the Xanax not helping. Then he asked about my sleep, and suddenly the light bulb in my head clicked on and I went OHHHHHHHHHH, YOUR MID MORNING NAPS HAVE BEEN BECAUSE YOUVE BEEN INCREASING YOUR XANAX DOSAGE YOU FUCKING MORON and suddenly that made a lot more sense. He asked some questions about describing the mind racing thing and asked if it was like hyper, and of course I knew where he was going with that so I said it definitely wasn't manic (because it's not) but more just anxiety based. So we ended up swapping out one of my regular meds for what I believe is the generic version of Zoloft, and he said to do whatever with the Xanax since they weren't helping anyway, so I'm gonna cut down on them a lot lol cuz I can't live like this. I do think I was on Zoloft at one point in high school and it wasn't terribly helpful, just one in a long line of antidepressants tried that resulted in a "meh" result, but the circumstances here are fairly different now that I'm on several meds and I have the Wellbutrin to actually treat depression, the Zoloft can potentially help the anxiety, which was definitely not really present in high school or even when I started with my psychiatrist back in 2012 (thanks, law school). I mean, it had started before law school, but that's what's really exacerbated it of course. Hey, it got my brother an OCD diagnosis after 22 years of only ever having super small tics like re-walking out of a room every so often. So hopefully those meds will get things figured out and it'll be better. So I finally got off the phone at 6:40 and of course was now very frustrated because I hate being late, but we just jumped into it instead of doing warm ups so it was fine. I keep getting asked if I'm feeling an improvement in pain, but the answer continues to be about the same, and in fact after PT it almost definitely hurts. It was actually bugging me at work today too, which isn't typical. But we had a good session anyway. Afterwards I walked across the street to Walgreens just because I wanted to grab a type of melatonin I know works for me to use as a control test for the Xanax- to make sure that's the thing that's throwing it off, not being unsure if it's the melatonin. Come home, get some dinner together and start Arrow. I wasn't totally thrilled with the episode given the plot was pretty weak, but it was of course strengthened greatly by the presence of Katie Cassidy and Katrina Law (though I would've liked more than 30 seconds of Katrina). Can I just talk about Katie Cassidy's acting skills though? I'm amazed as to how she's adopted completely different personas to the point where you can tell "who" she's supposed to be just by looking at her- that Laurel, Black Siren, and particularly black siren pretending to be Laurel, but not resembling either in any significant way but an entirely new image. I'm just like damn girl, that's intense. So things are set up for the final battle now, which has to happen on Lian-Yu because everything fucking happens on Lian-Yu, and I'll admit it does seem like it'll be a pretty epic showdown given everyone they've brought in on both sides. Back to that non-existent plot though- like really Oliver? Really??? That had to be the worst plan in existence of plans. You just handed him over and what, expected him to just let everyone go and go skip off into the sunset? Like dude, come on. That was really fucking dumb. So then it's just Oliver and fucking Malcolm, who has somehow managed to stay alive for another season, much to my annoyance. The moment with Nyssa coming in was pretty epic though, but I really hope they told her that besides her sister they were also facing off with E2 Laurel because those two got pretty damn close in season 3 and that could definitely throw her for a loop. Also, why the fuck had they not told Quentin at this point??? Like that was really dumb because you left him super vulnerable to exactly what happened. So yeah, I suppose I'm looking forward to the season finale, mostly for my two homegirls, but hopefully the rest of it will be good too. A tweet on my timeline reminded me that designated survivor was about to come on just as I finished Arrow, so I turned that on to watch live since I knew it was the season finale. Can I just say damn, I love this show so much??! It's so freaking well done in an era of totally overdone dramas, and of course this had the potential to do some incredibly shark jumping being that they blew up the entire government as the premise of the start of the plot. They've handled it really well. I think most of the episode was good and full of action, though I was sad to see Jason is actually dead (I mean, I think we knew he was, it just wasn't formally confirmed). I loved the scene between Kirkman and the reporter, because you can just tell how much respect the reporter gets from him because of how he handled the meeting, and I'm just left thinking whoever handpicked Kirkman as the designated survivor obviously massively underestimated his ability to be an incredible leader of our country. Damn what I would do for him to be our real president right now.....sigh. The speech was great and super satisfying, but I'm also watching the clock because I KNOW they have to leave some sort of cliffhanger disaster to predicate season 2 on, and of course that happened with them basically being like "we're fucked, they're fucked, everyone's fucked" which sounds like a fairly good premise to me. After this I watched Brooklyn 99 which was of course fucking hilarious. After that I got ready for bed, but for some stupid reason when I'm you know on autopilot for my routine I took the morning pills left in my "Tuesday" box instead of the evening pills in the "Wednesday" box (because I refill every Tuesday night) and took the wrong meds, then said well fuck, but my best bet is probably taking the meds I should've taken right now (none that should really interfere with the first) and just skip my morning dosage. And then tomorrow afternoon I can pick up my prescription for my new med so my body is just gonna be a psychopharmacological mess for the next 24 hours but hopefully it won't have any really bad side effects (it really shouldn't) (I'm also very impressed that psychopharmacological is an actual word and I didn't have to just make it up like I normally do when I want to use a form of a word that doesn't exist). Andddd it's past 1 am. I get to arrive at 9:30 tomorrow since we're going straight to a visit, so that'll be nice, assuming I don't fall asleep on the bus again like I did last time 😑. Anyway. Goodnight my little loves. Hope you had the loveliest of hump days.