#OTOH shell does what it says

[teledyn]

This is all well and good and very informative and entertaining; I'm guessing the younger folk here sporting SD and SSD might be wondering what a "physical storage disc“ is all about, and why is it called a drive.

If we're lucky, no one will remember what The Cloud was. Just a puff on a whiteboard…

TiL (click to go to the thread, which probably has more interesting tidbits I missed).

Bonus:

[eddieydewr]

I'm not the anon who asked you about Millie but I wanted to add a comment... Millie said something about how she couldn't wait for ST to end because it was preventing her from working on other things and rumor has it people affiliated with the show were upset with her. I don't think this slashed her screen time. I don't think El is a main character the way the fandom makes her out to be. She isn't the focus of the show so I think this was always going to happen. But I think Millie said that because El wasn't the focus and she was forced to realize that by the time S5 came around and was annoyed about it.

I find it interesting that she is getting paid more than anyone else even though she is barely in next season. It makes me wonder if they paid her so that she wouldn't say more dumb shit in interviews when she is promoting the show. I get the impression she likes to be the star and the center of everything and never had a good grasp of what the show was about. Also from the little I have heard about her parents they seem to think she is the greatest actress of all time but she isn't actually better than anyone else in the cast. I think it messed with her head. She didn't make the show what it is. Millie just strikes me as someone who needs to be front and center and sounds kind of hard to get along with tbh. I don't get the impression she gets along with most of the cast either. She let the fans (particularly younger fans) convince her she was the lead when she wasn't and then got annoyed when the story started wrapping up and she wasn't in focus so she said a dumb thing. But I doubt the writers would be petty enough to cut her screen time because of it (she says a lot of questionable things in interviews that make me wonder how well she is following the show. And is also really rude to Finn a lot). Will was always the focus of the story regardless of what Millie does.

bestie. bestie,

i have to agree and disagree lol i get why people would feel that way about millie but idk if you’ve seen my previous asks about millie’s family but i tend to blame her parents. i don’t think there’s anything wrong with a little girl being confident and while i don’t know how she felt about everything she’s been through growing up, it’s obvious her parents inflated her… idk, i don’t want to say ego because i feel like that’s a weird thing to say about children in general? but it’s possible she thought she was important and the main focus of the show. — otoh, i don’t like how she started to feel small for talking ~too much~ during press bc she spoke the same amount as the boys. it’s giving misogyny. especially when sadie joined the cast and people are like omg why can’t millie be classy and demure like sadie… what 😭 i thought millie had great energy as a kid and while she’s definitely still extroverted like her bestie noah, she seems like she has to be composed… although she’s been coming out of her shell more since getting engaged. i hope that means she has more self agency and isn’t being controlled by her family, but at the same time, they’re always around her even nowadays. THEY LIVE NEXT DOOR. and it seems like millie is stuck with netflix for a while longer. idk much about the electric state but it’s supposed to have potential for a great adaption and to perform well at box office, but it’s being released on netflix?? all because daddy brown says so. fock that grifting loser.

i understand why millie is ready to move on from ST but i don’t think she meant it in a negative way, she’s just ready to grow up. she’s married now so it must be weird to be portraying a character who is 14-17, or however old el is supposed to be in s5. when people gave her shit for saying she doesn’t watch movies, i don’t exactly blame her. she was pretty much forced into the acting industry and yeah, she obviously enjoyed it for a while before reality caught up with her. i believe she’s fond of the show, if her 011 tattoo is anything to go by, but it must be a reminder that she only got famous because her dad is jobless and wanted to get rich quick after all his other schemes and business ventures flopped. he’s also the reason millie gets paid more than the rest of the kids. he’s such a scrub 😭

how is millie rude to finn btw?

thenks for sending this btw, i hope i’m not coming across as harsh or angry lmao idk why because i’m a very different person but i can relate to millie and feel angry on her behalf because her relatives are an absolute shower of cunts and idek if she’s aware of it … but i also get why some people find her off putting. as long as they don’t go too far fjfjsk cos she’s not that awful, surely.

[sparklyaxolotlstudent]

AU where Kwamis are feed by tributes in their name using their core concept.

Yeah, there are Aus like this were Tikki actively feeds on Marinette’s good luck (which makes her clumsy) and Plagg on Adrien’s bad luck (making so everything goes his way).

But here, the “feeding” has to be on purpose, and explicitly tribute to the Kwami

Marinette has no problem with this, as she creates a lot of stuff, drawings, clothes, posters, bakings, etc. All she has to do is to say something like “For Tikki”. And Tikki is feed.

Adrien OTOH, has to destroy things on purpose, which at first created him a whole host of problems for the amount of trash he was generating. He eventually realized, much to Plagg’s annoyance, that the destroying doesn’t have to be of something material, but he can also destroy someone’s sadness, he can destroy pollution, etc.

A kwami’s first adventure is of course a freebie, but after that, if the same person wants to do repeats, they have to pay the tribute.

Alya took stage magic as a hobby to keep being Rena Rouge. She was uncomfortable with lies, which Trixx pointed out was easier. (He was testing her). She eventually realized that the stories that she made up for her sisters, Manon and Chris also counted as proper tributes, as storytelling is a form of illusion.

Nino asked Anansi for some fighting lessons in order to be able to protect others better, which she gladly accepted. He also helps Mylene and Ivan in their activism. And to everyone’s surprise, he was quicker to call Chloe’s out on her BS. (Wayzz is very proud that he is coming out of his shell)

Chloe at first thought she had a rather easy route as she could just keep treating everyone like crap and give that as tribute to Pollen. Pollen pointed out that it was the other way around. She would need to do stuff for other people, no strings attached.  She of course refused at first, but eventually decided being a super hero and having adventures with Ladybug was worth it. Marinette highly suspects that Pollen lied. The other Kwamis aren’t telling.

Gabriel Agreste actually took several tries to realize what was appropriate for Nooroo, the Kwami of Transmission. He eventually realized that Nooroo only got feed from positive interactions he had with other people… which presented a problem for him, as he was an asshole. So he got around that by being nice to business associates, like Tomoe Tsurugi.

Nathalie has relatively easy, as Duusu is fed by expressing emotions; the hard part is that she is not very expressive herself, and that she doesn’t always know when she is going to be emotive enough to “count” as a tribute.

Alix at first tried to feed Fluff clocks, but she explained that she needs metaphorical time.  So Alix has to waste time in some way and offer it as a tribute. Not something easy for someone as active as her.

Max’s tribute to Kaalki is easy, as he has to offer any travel he does to her. However, Kaalki only accepts “glamorous” rides, so walking or taking public transport is out of the question. He occasionally asks Adrien for a ride to offer the limo drive to her, or in a pinch, he hires Theo for a ride in a carriage.

Kim technically has it easy with Xuppu’s concept being that of Jubilation, as he could offer any activity where he is enjoying himself as a tribute, like swimming. However, Xuppu being who he is, has given Kim an explicit (and humiliating) ritual that says he must sing and dance “I’m a little teapot” before his Jubilation.

Luka needs to perform a “second chance” and make it as a tribute to Sass. He has to make a mistake (not on purpose) and then retry. It was hard at first, until he realized he could do so while learning new things, or even doing homework. Sass appreciates it better when it’s something he genuinely wants to do better, like learning/composing a new song.

Kagami had a harder time that everyone else figuring out how she could pay tribute to Longg, as she wasn’t sure what his concept was, only that it involved the holder transforming into water, wind, or lighting. Eventually she got the idea of trying swimming as another extracurricular after watching Kim randomly change into a swimsuit when she went for Adrien to his classroom for fencing. It was Marinette who had commented that Kim was weird like that, but he “felt one with the water” when he took a swim. Convincing her mother that swim could help with her movements in fencing was rather easy too. 

[thecloserkin]

book review: C.J. Hauser, Family of Origin (2019)

Genre: the most literary of fiction

Is it the main pairing: yes

Is it canon: yes

Is it explicit: kinda

Is it endgame: no

Is it shippable: if you’re into unhealthy ships

Bottom line: i hate literary fiction. ok i don’t hate fiction obviously i just hate when it tries to be too literary?? u feel me fam

Two estranged half-siblings spend a week tying up loose ends on the remote island where their father died (it is unclear if he committed suicide). The “loose ends” are that they had sex once, as teenagers, and now it’s weird. The island is populated by cultists and nut jobs who are convinced it’s the end of days and evolution is going in reverse. I have… many equivocal feelings about this book. On the one hand there are so many lines that just peel me like an orange, lines like “There was nothing more humiliating to Elsa than her own desires” or “Elsa was never surprised when someone killed himself. She was only surprised by her own animal perseverance day after day.” Plus I think this book really gets the dynamic where they’re constantly needling each other and every interaction is doused in fifteen gallons of repressed attraction. I think this is a novel that accomplished everything it set out to do with assurance and aplomb; I’m just fundamentally uninterested in what it’s trying to do. It’s about damaged people who learn to heal but the problem is the healing is much less engaging than the hurting.

Here’s the difference between speculative fiction and literary fiction: SF/F presumes zombies are literal zombies. Instead of assuming the zombies metaphorically represent something abstract, you just take them at face value ok? You spot a time machine or a vampire, you take it at face value and you add additional layers of meaning later. Which puts me in a pickle because Family of Origin is decidedly not a genre book, so what am I supposed to think about Famous Bigshot Biologist Ian, Elsa and Nolan’s dad, and his reasons for relocating to this island? There’s no cell phone service; it is quite literally removed from civilization. When I said nut jobs I mean it’s populated by secessionists, survivalists, doomsday preppers, anti-establishment types of all stripes. And they have some kooky theories about ducks. Which Ian apparently subscribed to. If this was SF/F I would just go along with it because maybe Elsa and Nolan, having arrived on the island, will finish Ian’s life’s work and find this elusive duck and prove Charles Darwin wrong haha??? But it’s fucking literary fiction which means I have to look for SYMBOLISM gahhh kill me now.

C.J. Hauser knows what she’s doing. Her bio says she’s a creative writing instructor and you can see why. It sucks that “what she’s doing” only glancingly aligns with “what I want her to do,” but c’est la vie. I was immediately taken with her choice of island setting (remote islands breed intimacy!) and the familiar configuration of type-A older sister paired with a younger brother who begs for a scrap of notice or attention. From the get-go Elsa’s priority is control. Nolan’s is acceptance. This quote sums it up pretty handily:

The problem was that Nolan wanted answers, and Elsa wasn’t sure what she would do with answers if she found them.

Like, I personally identify more with Nolan than with Elsa, because there’s this sense of learned futility that I find kind of charming in him but everyone finds annoying af in me:

Nolan wished he could return to a time before anyone had any expectations for him.

Elsa, otoh. Here is Elsa thinking about her ex, a relationship she clung to well past the expiration date merely because he loved her more than she loved him back, and she wasn’t willing to give up that bargaining position:

As long as his side of their love had more ballast to it, she felt in control and like he would not leave. Everyone left Elsa, so she had to be sure.

Nolan and Elsa are certified disasters. They’re both so burnt-out, and twisted up inside with shame and guilt and impossible desires, and the island is the ideal backdrop for them to resolve their issues:

There was so much that was not allowed that the island seemed willing to permit. Things underwater. Things offshore.

That night, they made no pretenses about the sleeping bag and slept cupped like shells in their father’s bed.

Jesus Joseph and Mary this woman can write. I’ve even seen lines from this novel quoted in those tumblr compilation poetry posts.

Anyway Elsa and Nolan’s dynamic is they do not get along and they’ve never gotten along. It starts with Elsa’s resentment at being displaced by a new sibling, which was compounded by Elsa’s mom being divorced and replaced by Nolan’s mom. These kids have spent all their lives probing at each other’s weaknesses and I am reminded of a very apt line from a book that has absolutely jack shit to do with incest: “When siblings spar, the true cause is proximity.” This seems to apply to Elsa and Nolan’s situation more potently than most.

Will you just LOOK at this god-tier sparring though:

Nolan touched a drop of rain that hung by her ear, letting it spill onto his fingers. Elsa smacked his hand.

Don’t— Elsa began, but Nolan, dirty water dripping from his fingers, grabbed Elsa around the ankles and shook her, groaning, Graaghh! like some B-movie Swamp Thing from the deep, ready to pull Elsa into the pool. Elsa considered Nolan’s hands around her ankles.

It’s one part goofing off, one part competitive banter, and one part violent sexual tension . Elsa takes meticulous mental inventory of every instance of skin-to-skin contact and I’m like—girl you know it only means something if you let it? Who the hell pays that much attention every time their brother accidentally brushes shoulders with them?!

There was a knot between Elsa’s shoulders that twisted taut when she saw him.

Nolan is shiftless and aimless, doesn’t even have the balls to break up with his girlfriend, his internal monologue is a constant refrain of “Nolan wished there was some more-adult adult whose job this could be.” Child you are TWENTY-EIGHT years old and need to start owning your choices. I think this hypothesis that’s sorta floated in an early Elsa POV is pretty conclusively disproved in the course of the novel:

But people didn’t change. They just ran away from everyone who knew them too well so they could start over and do a better job of obscuring the worst parts of themselves.

Because they do change, both of them change and mend their ways and they become a family again and ok here’s where I have a problem with C.J. Hauser: Her idea is that you have to choose—Nolan is either Elsa’s brother or her lover:

And he understood then that he could have kept Elsa as a sister or slept with her. It was a choice, and what he’d just done was to have given her up.

It seems her whole motivation for seducing him was as a big fuck-you to their father. I’m not saying she was not attracted to him I’m saying her field of vision is dominated by Ian:

Everyone here is insane, Elsa said.

They have their reasons, said Nolan.

They have stories, not reasons.

What if you’re my story? What if the story of why I’m on this island is you?

What’s my story?

Your story is Dad.

Go to sleep.

Tell me a story.

Which is really sweet and I am a fiend for these callbacks that deliberately echo the older sibling interacting with the younger one as a baby, but Ian’s stature is such that he takes over everything?? We find out that he wasn’t that great of a scientist. That he wasn’t a great dad was clear from the start.

So the really interesting thing from a craft perspective is the climax of this book occurs in the middle of it instead of at the end. The only other novel I can think of that does this is Cloud Atlas but that has a very unique structure. The film The Talented Mr. Ripley also kind of does this?

SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS

It’s revealed that Elsa isn’t Ian’s biological child. Her mom had an affair and when Ian found out he divorced her and married Nolan’s mom. When Elsa learnt the truth, she took the radical step of sleeping with Nolan to prove a point, I guess? To wit: If she wasn’t Ian’s daughter then it wasn’t actually incest. If Ian was troubled then it must be because she was his daughter:

But you are this kid, her mother said. You’re so totally his kid that you think biology is the only way you can be his kid.

I’ll admit that the “they’re not related” reveal does in this instance actually serve a purpose, unlike in some other books (yup this is a Wasteland callout post). And it ties into the theme of biology, and the stupid elusive ducks that supposedly inhabit this godforsaken island:

”We’re no longer good at adapting to things in the natural world because it’s too hard to tell which parts are real anymore so we don’t know what to adapt to.”

So there you have it. Family of Origin is not a book that spoke to my soul but it is a devastatingly exquisite book, and it has a number of really shippable scenes even if the relationship taken as a whole is not one I was rooting for. Here’s Nolan trying to get laid at college:

He didn’t know what to do because there had only ever been Elsa that one time before and Elsa had known what to do.

And then he has a breakdown so bad that he calls Elsa??? For emotional support??? Even though she’s at least 50% of the reason he’s so broken. When Elsa shows up she says ”I drove over two goddamn hours so you could yell at me in person” lolololol every single line of dialogue is so on-point. Oh oh and Elsa biting his ribs and his neck while they’re lying half-naked in bed is another pearl of a scene.

I saved so many quotes from this book and half of them have nothing to do with incest but they’re SENSATIONAL so I’m going to end this review with an assortment of quotes:

that she was afraid to ask for small things like this because the need in them did not seem big enough to draw attention. That she was afraid her small needs would go unnoticed, and so she made plays at bigger ones instead.

Whatever inner thing guided normal people in their choices … Elsa’s was broken. Nolan had been her first wrong choice, years ago, and as much as she’d have liked to pretend she was different now, that it had been a stupid teenage mistake, there was too much other wrongness that came after. Dozens of dubious choices that all seemed to bloom outward from that first moment.

But no, there was a difference between realizing how wrongly he’d been made and the moment the wrongness actually happened.

Because it wasn’t perfect. Because she couldn’t tell the difference between unconditional and infallible.

Maybe the sooner Elsa stopped trying to hunt down some class of people who had all the answers—adults, scientists, Mars missions, Ian—the sooner she could stop the cycle of trying to win. Could look around and decide what kind of game might actually be worth playing.

[feynites]

random thought/weird writing question, what if humans laid eggs like reptiles but still produced milk like certain mamals (platypus), what would be in the egg other then the human, like what health stuff would be in there, also how big would these eggs be, also would they be easier for the mother to lay, or father depending who does the laying (sea horses are an example of males giving birth). sorry its really random question/random thought.

Well, I’m not an expert on this stuff, but I’ll do my best.

One of the problems with large species laying eggs is that past a certain physical size, eggshells become more of an issue. In order to be strong enough to, y’know, protect the developing being inside and also contain everything without cracking under the sheer weight of its contents, the shell would have to be pretty tough. But if it’s too tough, then the baby won’t be able to break out.

So especially when you’re dealing with something like a human, which doesn’t have a lot of claws or horns or anything, getting out of the egg is the first problem that I can see. One possibility, especially viable since humans are still breastfeeding in this scenario (and therefore presumably still hanging around and looking after the eggs and all that) is that the parents have to do it. But from a natural development standpoint, this is tricky - how do the parents know when the egg is getting too cramped for the baby? Like, humans are smart, so, if we did lay eggs, we’d probably figure this out pretty quick, but there’d be a huge margin of error for it early on, and parents panicking and breaking eggs too early and all that would be a historic/cultural issue (and probably inadvertently mean that we were selecting for patience - if reckless people’s offspring was more likely to die in infancy, it’d be a trait that would also not be passed along as often in subsequent generations).

But more likely, babies in the eggs would have something like an egg tooth (maybe a little horn?) that broke off after a while (or didn’t - unicorn people!). Even so, development would be different because with eggs, you kind of want small babies that will grow quickly (so that the egg doesn’t need to be too huge to accommodate them) and have a lot of early mobility to break out of their eggs. So, hatchling humans would probably be more developed than your typical newborn (which can’t even roll over). 

Then again, maybe the egg shells just deteriorate after a certain point and kind of… melt off, or something? Idk but probably worth considering.

As for what’s inside of the egg along with the baby, that’s another issue. Egg-laying species are typically a lot smaller than humans, in part because the amount of nutrients which an egg can hold are inherently limited. With a live baby-carrying parent, new nutrients are coming in via consumption (so, say, mama eats and her body processes this and her developing baby is gets fresh nutrients to help it grow). With an egg, what goes into the egg is all the baby is going to get until it hatches. For a human baby, that would have to be some insanely rich stores of nutrition. Unfertilized human eggs would probably be amazing in terms of medical science and research properties, because in order to beat the above mentioned shell-vs-weight dilemma, these eggs would have, like, a ton of stuff that was like breast milk plus stem cells plus magic all wrapped up in a protective fluid sack just beneath the surface of the shell.

Also, these things would be heavy. As to size, well. Ostrich eggs are the largest eggs in the world, and they’re not nearly big enough for a human baby, and also they’re hard enough that a grown person can stand on ‘em without necessarily breaking them. So size would depend on how your shells are working plus how closely you want to stick to normal baby sizes. Either you’ll have very small babies coming out of reasonably-sized eggs (still bigger than ostrich ones, though) or you’ll have eggs that are really big and more fantastical, but produce more normal-sized babies. Another consideration, of course, is how those eggs are getting out of the parent. As we stand now, humans actually give birth to our babies prematurely - most species don’t give birth until their young are big enough to move around on their own (so, more like toddler age), but the human pelvis isn’t actually wide enough to accommodate a toddler’s skull. We traded physical resilience for a headstart on processing information about the world, though, because while most animal babies are still just resting inside the womb, human babies start seeing and processing things beyond that from the moment we can actually survive it.

Meaning, if we’re having more mobile babies coming out of eggs, they also haven’t seen anything beyond the inside of an eggshell, so again, early development is looking very different. But that’s a digression. Back to the point about size, a human would have troubles laying an egg that was bigger than the average newborn’s skull at any point. So the likeliest answer would be that human eggs would produce much smaller babies (because you have to fit the thickness of the shell and the nutrients for development along with the baby inside. OTOH, it’s possible that the eggs expand after being laid. That would mean that freshly laid eggs had soft shells which hardened later, though, so they’d be exceptionally vulnerable at that stage.

Relatedly, for laying the egg, unless we’re drastically altering the visible physiology of humans to account for stuff like external egg sacks, laying the eggs would probably be easiest for whichever parent had the right build for the job. The thing about passing anything through the body is that, ideally, you want it to take the shortest route it can, because that’s the least likely to cause damage or get tangled up or stuck somewhere along the way (digestion is kind of an exception, but also not really, because the stuff we eat also takes the shortest route it can - it’s just that this is accounting for its need to be digested along the way, and not just passed through the body). Which is a convoluted way of saying that laying an egg through a penis would not be good.

That said, there’s no reason you’d actually need to keep the standard issue reproductive parts for this scenario, given that we’re mucking around with that stuff anyway. And if you’re using magic it’s anyone’s game, you could have humans who develop their eggs in special pod chambers, you could have humans who transfer the eggs to their partners at different development stages, you could indeed have humans with some kind of marsupial-esque pouch where new hatchlings could still be kept protected from the world (in that case the eggs could be tiny), whatever you think would be interesting, really.

[trillgutterbug]

how to: dye your hair funky colours!

full disclosure, i’m not remotely a professional, but i’ve been dyeing my hair every colour under the sun for 10+ years and i’ve figured out a few things along the way that might benefit some people who are just starting out, or some old hats who might just be interested in my process!

first of all, those fancy instagram girls with the ombre and the rainbow ringlets and pastel fades and so forth all get their hair done at a salon. all of em! if you want that kind of quality finicky work, you gotta shell out the big bucks. i’ve done some pretty funky looks myself, usually basic ombre or streaks, but lbr you can really only get so fancy in your own bathroom with drugstore products, which is what i use

i have very limited experience using more “natural” colours (never done them on myself) and those sorts of dyes are fundamentally different from the funky coloured ones. most importantly, the natural colours are a lot more caustic. you need to mix them properly, have plenty of ventilation, protect your skin, and you definitely don’t want to leave them on for too long lest you melt your hair and give yourself a chemical burn. by contrast, the funky ones (or at least all the ones i’ve used, such as manic panic, punky colors, etc) are all very mild and won’t burn or melt anything. they’re actually a very strong conditioner and are quite good for your hair! this makes a difference because you can leave the dye sitting in your hair for as long as you want (longer is in fact better), plus it really helps perk your hair back up if you’ve freshly bleached it

if you are bleaching your hair, follow the directions in the box except for one thing: do it over somewhat damp hair. this makes the bleach spread a lot better and you won’t need to use quite as much. if you’re bleaching out a previous dye colour..... good luck to you, my friend. some bleaches do great, others fucking suck, but either way you probably won’t get a fully clean colour stripping if you’re taking out dye. choose your new colour accordingly, keeping in mind that you may need to cover up an older colour to some degree

this is the bleach that i use and in my experience it does the best job of removing old dye. i remember which one it is bc the model looks like paris hilton  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

also, if you are bleaching your hair before dyeing, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD make sure you shampoo the hell out of your hair in between. if any bleach is left over, it will wreck your dyejob. hop in the shower, scrub out the bleach, shampoo once or twice, and rinse well

whether or not you’re bleaching, apply your dye to freshly washed damp hair. shampoo your hair, do NOT apply conditioner, then towel dry and/or let air dry for ~10 minutes. don’t apply any styling products

here i am not actually naked but yall don’t need to know about that 

i always mix my dye with conditioner. doing this makes 100-500% more usable product. unless it’s an extremely thin/pale colour, or has a shitty formula, this stuff is always hella pigmented. i mix mine at least half-and-half with conditioner, but sometimes with as little as 1/4th dye (like i’m a fancy motherfucker and measure or something, ha). the darker the colour the more conditioner you can add without compromising the end result. i just use cheap conditioner from the dollar store for this, but whatever you’ve got will work

(yes that is my golden throne in the background)

get yourself a bowl you don’t mind wrecking/a ceramic dish you can handwash helpful cat

today i’m just doing a touchup of my current colour, so this is my second use of this bottle. it’s already about 50/50 conditioner

grab some gloves so you can stick it to the man

slap your glop together and mix it up

now, i highly recommend either being naked or wearing old ratty clothing for this process because you WILL make a mess. this shit doesn’t come out of clothing, but if you get it on the counter/floor/wall/cat, don’t be alarmed, it will fade after a couple weeks. a mr clean magic eraser will get rid of it in a jiffy, although i wouldn’t suggest using that on the cat

if you’re really committed, get some vaseline and lube up your poe dameron action figure apply it around your hairline and ears to protect yourself from smears. i’m way too fucking lazy to do that 9 times outta 10 but i have in the past and it works like a charm

slather the dye mixture on your head! not a lot of finesse required here, just make sure it gets everywhere fairly evenly. if you can, get someone to check the back of your head for missed spots or use some hand mirror magic to check for yourself. for some reason i find that i usually miss my temples and the sides of my head most often

pile it all up on top of your head, secure it with a hair tie if you feel like it, and tie a plastic bag around it if you think you won’t be able to keep your hair off the back of the couch/your pillow/the dog/whatever. unlike doing this “greenhouse” technique with bleach or a natural-colour dye, this stuff won’t make your head overheat and cause chemical burns, so that’s a plus!

if you’re a lazy fuck like me and didn’t use vaseline, don’t panic. grab a dark coloured washcloth, get it hot and wet (aw ye), and scrub the hell out of any dye smears on your skin. they’ll come right off if you get to them fast enough

like so

let it sit for at least 20 minutes. like i said before, longer is better. i’ve left mine in for hours before, but lbr that’s just laziness. watch an episode (or six) of something on netflix, read a book, do ya damn homework, fold some origami, idk do whatever the fuck you want

rinse it out! it’s up to you whether you use shampoo at this point or not. personally i don’t, because the more you shampoo dye the faster it fades, and as mentioned i’m lazy and i want to do this drudgery as infrequently as possible. be warned, if you don’t shampoo right now, your scalp will stay dyed until whenever you do, which may or may not be something that bugs you. and until your hair dries it might bleed a little colour 

you might want to wear a clean pair of gloves for this so you don’t get it all over your hands. also your tub WILL get stained, there’s no avoiding it, but DON’T WORRY i promise it will fade in a week or two!

you don’t necessarily need to condition at this point, since you basically just did an hour-long deep condition, but if you freshly bleached your hair you might want to anyway. it needs all the help it can get!

red and pink dyes are TERRIBLE for staining your skin! i did my hair bright red for canada day one year and the process of rinsing stained my entire back and legs bright red! which on the one hand was apt, but otoh made me look patriotic, which was very embarrassing. if you have a detachable showerhead, i recommend kneeling by the tub, leaning over, and rinsing it out that way so it doesn’t have the opportunity to make your entire body look like satan’s asshole

dry and style as usual

for future washes, using cool/cold water will keep the dye from fading as fast. for no reason other than some absolutely inexplicable and life threatening medical emergency will i ever wash my head in cold water, but all power to anyone who’s that dedicated to their aesthetic

a couple stylists have told me that you can add a bit of dye to your regular conditioner and use it like a mini touchup every time you wash your hair. i haven’t done this personally because it sounds like a bit of a mess, but it seems legit enough

and that’s about it! ombre/streaks are pretty self-explanatory, it’s just the same process done only on specific parts of your hair. the one thing i will say is that i highly recommend doing a darker colour on the bottom and a lighter one on top, if you can, so that when you rinse it the darker colour doesn’t run into the lighter one

if you really fuck up somehow (unlikely tbh), just cover everything up with a darker colour. not the end of the world

good luck my dudes!

[madamebadger]

You can soft boil eggs? (What does that mean)

Described one way: they’re like hard boiled eggs, but not cooked as long, so the yolk doesn’t set as firmly. (i.e., the yolk sets ‘soft’ rather than ‘hard,’ hence the name). Described another way: they’re like poached eggs, but cooked in the shell rather than being cracked before cooking.

If  you Google you will find 9,783 different opinions on exactly how firm the white and the yolk should be in a soft-boiled egg, and how you should achieve that. I personally like my soft-boiled egg with a fully but softly set white and a completely runny yolk (same way I like my fried eggs, actually), but I can also appreciate the joys of a firmly-set white and a softly-set yolk, and anyway, people have Opinions on this. But I think it is fairly noncontroversial to say that a soft-boiled egg is like a hard-boiled egg but cooked less long so the yolk is softer. 

(OTOH, if I want a hard-boiled egg, I want it totally set all the way through and no funny business. I want, like Ramona Quimby, to be able to crack it on my forehead with no repercussions.)