#OR DO I JUST START CONSUMING AN UNHEALTHY AMOUNT OF FANFICTION AGAIN

[toxicrevolver]

Okay. Episode 14. The finale. I’m not ready. Commentary and spoilers under the cut. You should know the drill by now.

- THANK GOD WE DIDN’T GET AN INCEST PLOT LINE.

- Gun (Vegas’s dad) Fuck you. Please die already. I never liked you.

- Vegas. You confuse me. Who’s side are you on??

- okay typical mafia shoot out. Check. Typical mafia family betrayal. Check.

- “but I’m on your side” CUTE BUT NOW IS NOT THE TIME.

- KINN. NOWS NOT THE TIME TO BE THINKIN ABOUT DICK

- Kinn and Porsche against an entire hoard of bad guys. Hot.

- ARM AND TANKHUN FOR THE WIN. THE BRAINCELL IS BRAINCELLING.

- is Arm/Tankhun a ship? Bcs I’m kinda shipping it. NOT THE POINT

- Porchay. Baby. Why did you put your headphones against your head while there’s hair dye in your hair? Those some damn good headphones tho if he ain’t hearin shit.

- Kim single handedly taking out the entire group. Hot.

- Vegas deserved to get decked in the face. (I still love him now tho)

- why did I find the Vegas/Pete moment cute DON’T ANSWER THAT

- WHAT

- there are so many thoughts running rampant in my head about what just went down.

- the whole Porsche’s mom being alive thing. Idk how I feel about that. Slightly confused on the plot of that currently. And who actually killed Porsche’s dad.

- Gun’s dead. Good.

- Pete resigning and going after Vegas. Cute.

- That was a super sweet and tender Vegas/Pete moment and now I have feelings. BAD FEELINGS TAKE THEM BACK. I’M SAD.

- where are the Vegas/Pete pet play fics. I know they have to exist. Hand them over. DON’T ANSWER THAT. YOU DIDN’T READ THAT.

- VEGAS NO. WHERE ARE THE FIX IT FICS. I’M SERIOUS. I AM LIVID. FUCK THAT BODY GUARD IN PARTICULAR I’M GLAD YOU’RE DEAD. I ALMOST THREW MY PHONE. I QUIT. I AM AGGRESSIVELY THROWING TABLES IN MY MIND. YEET.

- okay. Porsche as head of the minor family. Makes sense. Again. Typical Mafia bullshittery.

- JUST TIME SKIP THEN. FINE.

- I love the Mafia husbands. The way that scene was done was cool. Especially the cut from Porsche originally walking into that hall compared to now.

- THE RINGS THING WAS CUTE.

- Tay that’s an ugly fuckin shirt. Clown core.

- PORCHAY 😭😭😭😭😭

- KIM. YOU CAN HAVE YOUR KNEE CAPS BACK BUT ONLY IF YOU FUCKIN GET ON THEM AND BEG PORCHAY FOR FORGIVENESS.

- domestic mafia husbands again. Yes. Living for this.

- the fact Kinn made the drink using a jigger is funny to me bcs Porsche can probably free pour

- VEGAS IS ALIVE 🎉🎉🎉🎉 MY BOY. I’M SO HAPPY

- I love how this whole lovey dovey thing is taking place on the boat Porsche threw himself overboard of in the beginning. Full circle.

- are the beta fish a symbol and I’m just stupid. Bcs we saw them before in a tank with a divider and now they’re back in separate bowls (we’re not discussing animal husbandry. I know it’s bad. It’s a tv show.)

- okay. Still undecided on the whole Porsche’s mom being alive thing. Like what was the purpose. It was a sweet ending tho.

- to the after credits

- I’M BACK IN MY VEGAS/PETE FEELS 😭😭

- Macau joking around immediately. Typical younger sibling behavior. Love that bcs normal for once.

- WHERE IS MY VEGAS/PETE SPIN OFF. HAND IT OVER.

OVERALL REVIEW AND EXTRA COMMENTS

- 100000/10 🔥🔥🔥 I loved the show. Yes it was kinda stereotypical in the Mafia bits but those were few and far between honestly. The plot was still kinda original and it was gay so it gets bonus points just for that.

- I would actually watch this again. Which is a huge compliment from me bcs there’s only maybe 4 shows I’ll watch more than once.

- WHERE IS MY VEGAS/PETE SPIN OFF???

- WHERE IS MY KIM/PORCHAY SPIN OFF???? I NEED TO KNOW IF MY SON GETS A HAPPY ENDING.

- also. Like what is Kim up to?? Obviously we see Porchay living in the major family house with Kinn/Porsche. And Kim is back at his apartment. But other than groveling for forgiveness from Porchay, what’s he doing?? And why was he curious about Porsche’s background in the first place?? Kim could have stayed uninvolved and left Porchay out of this and the plot could have still worked in my opinion.

- I NEED A TAY/TIME EITHER SPIN OFF OR BACK STORY SHORT. SOMETHING.

- I NEED AN EPISODE ABOUT TANKHUN GETTING KIDNAPPED AS A KID. THAT WAS GLOSSED OVER AND ONLY MENTIONED TO EXPLAIN HIM BEING INSANE.

- IS THERE GONNA BE ANOTHER SEASON BCS I AM IMPATIENT.

- I walked into this show just expecting mafia bullshittery and gay bullshittery. I got both. But I also just fell in love with a whole genre of show (this was the first BL I have ever watched). I don’t watch tv shows or even movies often bcs I have a hard time getting invested in new characters and actually focusing on the plot of a show/movie. But the show was long enough to keep me interested and still short enough I didn’t get bored. The episodes being roughly an hour is nice bcs I actually get plot in the episode (to me a typical 20 minute tv show just isn’t enough time to develop a good plot line). I’ve got a ton of BL dramas on my watch list and the length of the series/episode are all pretty similar (if I remember correctly) and the consistency is nice.

- Also. Gained several new ships and I unlocked the shows fanfic genre. A win for me.

- Also also. I know Kinn/Porsche is obviously the main ship of the show but I have a soft spot for Vegas/Pete and I didn’t expect that. I also never expected to like either character but here we are 🤷 Pete is still Pete but bcs my boy Vegas likes him I like him well enough.

Kinnporsche review thread part 2

Episode 5 down.

- Big. Stop getting hurt. Please. I am begging you.

Episode 6 complete

- I HATE ALL OF YALL AGAIN. I AM DISTRAUGHT.

- What started as domestic boyfriends camping in the woods ended in mafia bullshittery. I should have expected this. Fuck happy endings I guess.

[scyphosunny]

break's over ! vargastober day 21 was posted . two days late

FIRST OF ALL i'll take a minute to talk about what i've been doing . ( not a lot

ah , to be honest . . . i spent most of my time indulging on my current hyperfixation : code lyoko . the whole thing of me getting an hyperfixation with this again is actually super funny to me , if i'm honest . . .

i watched the series for the first time three months ago . i remember watching , notice the change in animation and being intrigued by it . and the character designs and art style were just screaming 2000's to me , so i got fond of the show pretty fast , even without watching it lolz .

the whole thing seemed pointless ? if you ask me , so i decided to watch it while drawing because i thought it wouldn't take a lot of my attention . and it wasn't until chapters five or six that i was like " hey you know what i actually DO want to pay attention to this , what if i watch it and then i spent two weeks binging the series until i was done with it . i remember watching 20 episodes one day , that's 10 hours of code lyoko ! halfway through i did start to watch unhealthy amounts of chapters a day because i really wanted to finish it so i could just get back to my usual schedule ( waking up > doomscrolling in tiktok until 2am > actually working on something ) . IF I'M NOT DRAWING I FEEL LIKE I'M WASTING TIME . it's not like i do anything in the first place ???? so WHAT ARE YOU EVEN DOING GET YOUR ASS BACK TO THAT CHAIR , OPEN CSP AND DON'T TAKE YOUR EYES OFF THE SCREEN UNTIL THE SUN RISES . ( clears throat) um yeah . and series just CONSUME MY BRAIN there's no time to draw to sleep to eat to be social so i don't really like to get into new shows . . . with movies is different because they're short ! i used to watch a movie a day while i had lunch but i kinda exchanged that with my daily code lyoko time ?

okay , i'm talking nonsense . WHERE WAS I . i watch code lyoko , and then i see the light . " is this the end ? am i finally free from this fandom ? am i getting a new ultimate hyperfixation ? " i think to myself , with tears in my eyes .

. then hawker decided to read vargas and her reactions basically pulled me back to the fandom without even noticing . GREAT !

( if i'm honest i was afraid i would lose inteest on vargas after getting obsessed with the show but now i see it's not as easy as that

BUT , then i decide i want to watch the full series once again , this time with my sister ! and they're airing it on tv , so . . . why not . a chapter a day , should be pretty chill . we watched seasons one and two on tv , then we had to switch to youtube because the channel airing it didn't have the rest of the seasons ( yet . well , watching it again made my brain IGNITE once again so hey i'm back hahaaha

my average day was waking up > watching a code lyoko fan series called code lyoko beyond ( super good btw ) > waiting until my sister got home so we could watch code lyoko on tv > talk about code lyoko > read code lyoko fanfiction before going to sleep .

MY BRAIN COULDN'T TAKE IT . GOD . i even started having dreams about code lyoko .

we watched code lyoko + code lyoko evolution + the first chapters of season one ( because she didn't see most of them ) and now we're going to watch code lyoko beyond and after that i'll show her ifscl ! it's a difficult game but i want to get better at it . . .

ugh i'm going crazy thanks to a straight ship . is that even possible this day and age . . . /j

idc , jerlita is actually yuri for me . I LOVE LESBIANS /hj

i don't know ough they're just super cute ! and i love jeremie a lot . . . so

i blame angel of mine for this whole thing . that song is so jerlita coded .

okay . . . also , on saturday , i was just going through my phone while my sister was watching and for some reason i open undertale and i randomly start to play it . i don't even know why i still have undertale on my phone ! i just downloaded it for a friend and installed it to test it . anyway , i decide to do a no mercy route just because i'm there and uuuhh i don't know

i played undertale for the first time when i was like , 12 . i had it on my computer , and god my pc was so bad so my game was laggy most of the time . it wasn't so bad , though . . . sometimes it was so slow i could even watch and process some attacks before they hit me . but i mean it also made it super hard to play , for obvious reasons . and okay , while i was playing i did try to make a no mercy route but i would ALWAYS get stuck with sans . i remember resetting hundreds of times so i could actually idk , get it right that time . but god , nothing was working . i would keep dying at that last attack .

and i'm thinking . so . . . it's been like , six years . i played the sans simulator and beat it 9999999 times already . the sans fight it's easy for me right now because i memorized it almost completely ! i also have a pc that can perfectly run undertale so hey . why not give it a shot . i get undertale , and i start my no mercy route .

god , i actually wanted to do that for a while already . but reading handplates completely messed up my brain . i was like ough i want to play but a part of me was like " YOU KNOW THEIR SUFFERING WHY WOULD YOU MAKE THEM GO THROUGH IT ONCE AGAIN " ( sunny it's a game , PLEASE ) so i told myself i'd NEVER do a no mercy route ever again , i'd just play it on my phone , finish the pacifist route and let them be happy . kind of what i used to do with the gaster ukagaka . . . i'd open him , then let him sleep for hours because i just thought he needed sleep lol and avoid making uncomfortable questions because i didn't want him to have a bad time . shit , i even promised myself to not see the skelebros ever again because he seemed stressed once they got back . aaaahhh i'm a MESS anyway that feeling is kinda gone so

i beat undyne neo in a single attempt ! i really love her fight . also , killing all of hotland's monsters is the coolest thing if you choose to do it at the core . the core's monsters are so cool man , and you get to hear that banger while you fight them .

so , well , i get to sans . . . AND BEAT HIM IN TWO ATTEMPTS ( jumping around I WASN'T EVEN TRYING ON THE FIRST ATTEMPT , so idk idk . still . I GET TO FINISH MY NO MERCY ROUTE , FOR THE FIRST TIME IN 6 YEARS . great

this whole thing reminded me that i STILL didn't finish ut yellow's no mercy route , that i got stuck with the final boss and never finished the route . the whole thing about playing undertale made me want to finish it again . . .

uh oh , spoilers for undertale yellow's no mercy and pacifist routes ! if you don't want to get spoiled just scroll for a while . . .

-----

so yeah , i get stuck on martlet and i never finish the game thanks to that . god , her and ceroba's fight were super hard for no reason . i'm not a fan of the shooting + dashing gamemode thingie . too many things to focus on all at once ! and god , looking back at it i don't really know how the fuck i beat ceroba on the pacifist route ! mf's fight had like 999999999 stages ough

for both of their fights , i actually had to write notes down and try to memorize their attacks instead of just moving around like crazy yknow

i downloaded ut yellow back in december last year . i played pacifist route , started no mercy route and then i get to martlet and don't open the game for 8 months

i was looking for tips to beat her , and i found two things . first , people were TALKING ABOUT A SECOND PHASE ? holy fucking SHIT , i really thought i was close to finishing the battle but i really wasn't . second , one of the comments literally said that i should just wait until they released a patch because half of the fights were almost impossible ? ?? ????? and im like okay

after pushing through for a while i actually got to the second phase ! and i was thinking " okay i probably have like , an act option that gives me some of my hp back !! ( i didn't ( so i just stare at the screen in disbelief thinking how the fuck am i going to finish the fight in the first place . i have all of my hp back , but even if phase two is shorter since you can actually attack in the first place ? there's no way i'm going to last more than three rounds even with full health . i go back to reddit , and actually read the tips . this is a list of what i did :

+ turning autofire on . THAT'S A THING . I HAD NO IDEA . and i think i actually remember watching a ceroba fight with it on . and i didn't know what it meant or how to get it so i just left it like that lol .

+ closing the fight , tried to get more items but i didn't find a thing . . .

+ getting the patch ! ough . this way i could actually get the act option to restore more health . . .

+ changing my ammo to silver ammo instead of the friendliness pellets . . . the silver ammo deals extra damage with perfect shots and i'm good at that . it was so useful

+ turning easy mode on :crying emoji:

after getting all this done , i went through stage one with no problem , and then died but actually managed to beat her on the next round . i remember sitting in front of the screen thinking if i should risk it and attack instead of healing and it worked . AFTER 8 MONTHS , I FINALLY BEAT MARTLET ! i couldn't beat her without all of the shit i changed and while that does make me feel kinda down WHATEVER , I'M PLAYING THE GAME TO HAVE FUN , NOT TO SUFFER EVERY SECOND OF IT . BEING BAD AT GAMES SUCKS . i don't think i'm that bad but eeehhhhhhhhh

got the ending . . . flowey's face creeped me out so much , god . i'm glad my sister wasn't there to watch .

i don't know if i want to make a neutral route , flowey's fight is ABSOLUTELY INSANE but i man i already watched it so idk if it's worth it in the first place . . .

----

i was supposed to work on the piece for forgotten that day but after finishing the game i spent the rest of the day watching people react to the game and moving files on my undertale file to get easter eggs and stuff . i thought getting gaster's door would be way more difficult than it was ! that or maybe i was just lucky . it took me maybe less than 20 tries .

overall , i didn't start working on the piece until midnight , i think . no matter what day it is , there's still mandatory code lyoko time for me n my sister at 7pm . IT'S PART OF OUR LIFE NOW . so yeah . . . started working on it pretty late . maybe if i did start working on it in the afternoon , i would've finished the piece at least on day 22 . idk idk

i really didn't want to get myself to work on it UGH i know i said i'd keep trying to get pieces done even while i was still on my break but i didn't do shit lol . i do have some code lyoko sketches . . .

look that's me in code lyoko

so yeah , my way of doing these was waking up > breakfast > lock in and get something done before 7PM and idk finish it after cl time . but i just stopped doing this , of course . there wasn't an actual reason to wake up early so i'd just sleep through my alarms , and even after the break I KEEP DOING IT ugh . I JUST STOPPED BEING USED TO ACTUALLY GET MYSELF TO WORK BEFORRE 9PM , or to work on anything at all . i did doodle some things and made brusk's bday present ( that i can't show here ( but still . ugh . UUUGH

it was even harder because last three pieces just came out of my tiny brain . i'm used to going through pinterest and taking random drawings as references but I DON'T LIKE DOING THAT i feel like i'm stealing people's ideas even if i'm crediting them and even if that's the easy way to do things and i SHOULD PROBABLY JUST GO WITH THAT my brain unconsciously started to put ideas together on its own and now i'm not satisfied if i draw something that i ripped directly from another piece made by someone else . empty , yarn and now forgotten are pieces that , while i did take some things as references , i stil had to put together . i mean THAT'S GOOD BUT I'M JUST NOT GOOD AT IT YKNOW

so well , the reason why i didn't want to get the thing done was because i didn't have any solid ideas . i knew for a fact that i wanted to take this piece as a reference though , while i was making the list i only added this prrompt to DRAW THIS like i'm so serious rn . SO I COULDN'T JUST SKIP THE PROMPT

it was an idea i had for a long time now . i remeber talking to brusk about it , " a family picture of edgar , scri and his grandma but his grandma's face is blurred or distorted . AND IT WAS A SICK IDEA but HERE I AM WITH MY ALTERED REALITY PERCEPTION AND IMAGINING THEM ON 1800 INSTEAD OF 1960 you see my stupid ass searching " when were color photos invented " because my brain GENUINELY CAN'T PROCESS IT . and yeah , once i checked i realize that the family picture i was taking as a reference was actually from the 1810's . i need to be killed .

SO , CHANGE OF IDEAS . i was like uh , maybe i can draw a picnic or something , and his grandmother's face can still be distorted . WHY NOT let's also distort scri's face while we're at it . that was my idea . then i was just searching pictures of picnics and i did that thing where i make a shitty sketch and see if what i want to achieve is at least ACHIEVABLE idk oh god i don't even know why or when i changed ideas but my sketch was looking like this .

which i mean i guess it's not too bad ? but considerably more boring . i just didn't feel like working on a background . and also i had to figure out a whole design for his grandma , because YOU KNOW ME even if i'm covering stuff or distorting parts of the drawing i still need to work on everything because I DON'T KNOW

a design for edgar's grandma . . . i had to use all of my brain capacity to not search " 1960 grandmas " on google and just go with the first thing that showed up . so , instead , i used this post as a HUGE REFERENCE like genuinely thank you so much for this yon-shi you're doing god's work here . i mainly took the stick figures as references , bangs and shoulder lenght hair . i didn't make her hair as long though ,

so uh this is the design i banged up !

i think it works just fine . i added the glasses cords because uh idk it would make sense i think . a nice , flowy dress for a church day . whatever

oh god i'm thinking , did i make her look too young ? does she look too young ? DID I DO IT WRONG i'm ripping my hair out

oh by the way i just started calling her anthea in my head . that's the name of aelita's mom ! i think that now you realize how bad the cl brainrot is getting . /hyp

idk , anthea just fits her . and as i'm typing this i keep catching myself wanting to type anthea SO I MIGHT JUST START CALLING HER ANTHEA WHILE I WRITE THIS who cares

i asked my friends how they imagined anthea looking . . . russ told me that he didn't have an actual mental image for it and yes i mean i did remember that at some point he said that he imagined anthea as a faceless character and i agreed . but he did say that in his piece for memories he made her skintone slightly darker ? is that the word ? idk in spanish it's morena oh well yeah , so i mean that was a starting point definitely

i had to go to sleep , but this was the progress so far !

( none of them look like they want to be there lolz

i also made like , test on the distorted part . i liked these both ! even though i knew i wouldn't use any because that wasn't what i had in mind !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

at this point i decided to leave scri's face as it is . kinda doesn't make sense that his face is also distorted idk

next day . . . i had so much trouble choosing a brush i liked for this one . i told brusk that i wanted to make it look like it was idk painted on a canvas ? so i got some nice canvas brushes . and i remember getting some for sai2 but i just couldn't find a use for them .

i didn't like how they looked for lineart , though . . . so i ended up using a random default brush on csp . i didn't even like it that much and i remember having to make light strokes if i wanted the texture to show up at least a bit . uughh

i finished the line on edgar's head , and i did some edits and quick coloring to it to see if the brush was okay

aww little sad guy

i think it was okay . idk if the canvas brush is even noticeable but whatever , i didn't want to search for another brush .

hehe blurrrr

their line was done ! lines always take way too long for me , ugh . i sent it to brusk and i told her i would probably still shape it up a little bit more .

i like it . . . more 3d . . .

also , the shading on his shirt took me AGES . i was grabbing random colors and colorpicking them from the reference , i didn't even plan on rendering it like that but one of the brushes i got worked great for that . so i just went crazy . it was the first ( second ) time i tried shading like this ! i think it looks nice . . . but i also don't think it fits my art that much

plain vs rendered ! can you believe that took 30 minutes ? because i don't .

i was listening to code lyoko videos while working on this . watched an analysis of hopper's story , and i didn't know aelita got shot ! it was a nice thing to understand the story better .

i really love season one's jeremie . his voice in spanish is so cute . aaaaaaah . and overall before he turned into a little shit . i also like his little shit mode , and i mean he grew up so of course i get it but there's something so endearing about him in season one

and also . . .

sorry aelita liking your boyfriend wasn't enough i had to go for your dad too

i also decided to play ifscl again ! the whole thing is so confusing to me . . i'm not as good as jeremie . but i figured that maybe if i played the chapters over and over again it would be easy to memorize things . i'm just stupid that's it

BACK TO THE DRAWING it was 4am , and i finished anthea's shading . i added a nice pattern to her dress .

but !!!!!! i always have problems picking backgrounds . i just went with a random color and then slapped filters on it to make it look even worse .

i really , REALLY wasn't satisfied with how it looked . the colors looked odd and the pixel effect thing on anthea's face made it look like i just censored something i didn't like . i sent it to my friends and finn suggested adding a black backgrround and some noise effect , i don't really like adding noise effect to my drawings , last time i added it to one of my pieces it just made the whole thing look bad quality . but i did add too much , at the end . . .

still , i went to sleep for that day .

after playing some more ifscl i worked on it ! added the background , moved some stuff around and woo

added a watercolor outline ( i didn't know that was possible ) and while moving stuff arround i clicked a layer mode and it made everything BLUE

HOW COOL IS THAT

if you know me you probably know i don't work with cold colors a lot . i know how to handle warm colors but not cold colors , really . . . still , i think it gave the ambiance i needed . it really pulled everything together .

then i just added some effects , some saturation and motion blur and FINALLY DONE

i really like this piece . that's all

hmm now i'm thinking what would it look like if i also added the distortion thing to scri . . .

meh

wwyd in this situation

god i'm tired of writing . i need to work on today's piece , then watch our daily code lyoko chapters and get ready to watch dungeon meshi with my friends . uugghhh

see you in the next piece ! lol

[mangodestroyer]

Might sound dumb, but for the longest time, I was seriously struggling to immerse myself in media. I just could NOT get myself comfortable enough to do so. Specifically, this is something that happened when I started college for the first time, while dating my ex/after breaking up with them, and working a job. I think this is because I started experiencing much harsher scrutiny over various aspects of my personality and interests (I've been training myself to stop caring). Lots of unresolved trauma came to the surface and hit me right in the face. And that led to lots of insecurity, which attracts a certain kind of person into your life if it's bad enough.

Anyway, I've been doing more to indulge in media. Even read a fanfiction yesterday that was longer than 10k words (as someone who will rarely even touch one-shots lately).

I kind of forgot how... amazing that escapism is. Reality sucks. My life kind of sucks too. Adulthood sucks. Adulthood especially sucks if you're gen Z. Late stage capitalism is getting so bad and we kind of don't stand a chance. And also, I have tons of personal problems that make everything so much worse. Basically, I grew up being told that adulthood sucks and is lots of work, but that you also get a house, a family, a loving partner, and some freedom in return for that hard work. I don't want a family, and I'm not sure the house thing will happen. I guess I have some freedoms? I mean, being able to eat Asian food whenever I want is a privilege I won't easily give up. But, I mean, I really do want the loving, healthy partner (I think about it sometimes and I hate it because I don't technically need one, it's just my biology making me want one). Also, no one told me that friends are difficult to make as an adult. It's partly because some people I knew growing up are too busy with their serious relationships. And some people I meet already have families and no time on their hands. So that unfortunately causes me to want a life partner even more. And yeah, I'm not sure I can call myself "attractive." I mean, I don't think there's anything wrong with how I look (I would say I've started looking much more appealing in my mid 20's than I was as a younger adult), but I'm not "attracting" anyone. Hell, my ex didn't even seem that serious about me in hindsight and wasn't even interested in kissing me. Not even after two years. Which is... ouch!

So yeah, that sucks. Oh, well. At least I'm starting to immerse myself into fanfiction again. Seriously, it's such a great way to "experience" certain life experiences that you just aren't getting irl. I mean, you can be whatever or whoever you want. You can just pretend to be some super attractive guy, dating another super attractive individual. The chemistry will just magically work. Ofc they're crazy about you! Ofc they're going to kiss you at some point! You'll probably even go on some wild adventures with them in some fantasy setting, or you're just lucky and living an exciting life in a more mundane setting.

It was kind of making me sad sometimes, reading such indulgent stories like that. All I could think was "this isn't real, it won't happen for me." Now... it's just starting to make me happy again. I can just get immersed in the story and not care if it's not real. I mean, seriously. I can't just focus on the depressing shit happening in my life all the time. It's hard, but I can't even do much to fix it and it's nice to be able to escape from it now and then.

Maybe it has to do with getting more vitamin C. I had this gut feeling for a while that I needed vitamin C. I was craving juice and fruit. Now I started consuming things with lots of vitamin C and I'm starting to feel better? More emotionally regulated? More energetic with less brain fog? And an increased appetite? Stress was causing me to eat tons of junk food. I would sometimes eat to the point of getting sick. My stomach has been struggling for a while because the large amounts of unhealthy food were causing inflammation. My gut health has been improving over the past few months (started eating other things too, like more garlic and fermented foods). I'm dealing with much less bloating now. I'm starting to think bad gut health can be a huge factor in depression.

[wackusbonkus22]

nine (9) people you'd like to know better

Tagged by @kcrabb88 🥰

Last song: the fantastic mr fox theme from the Wes Anderson movie fantastic mr fox. That music and the movie is so artistic and just makes me feel a certain way. Hard to explain:) love it tho.

Currently watching: I havent really been watching anything lately, but I was going to start Sherlock again to see if I liked it cuz my dad loves it. Other than that I have been watching a healthy amount of Good Mythical Morning. Don't know if that counts but I love it.

Currently reading: I have just reread @kcrabb88 's fic Whispers of the Dead for the 2nd time. I may have an unhealthy obsession. I don't really read books much but I consume an insane amount of fanfiction on the daily. I used to read a lot but I'm in a fase where I don't really care as much about plot as I do characters. So reading new books is hard cuz I have to wait to get to know the characters instead of just immediately knowing them and reading fun shenanigans about them.

Current obsession: I've been in a play/theater camp for the past couple of weeks, and that has been taking up all of my mental space. I have been doing nothing but memorize lines, music, and choreography for the past couple weeks and it has been so much fun. I always make so many friends doing theater.

Um I don't know many people on here but I'll no pressure tag a few people I follow

@giggles-and-freckles @billowypantss @swbumblebee

[nothing-more-than-hot-leaf-juice]

Can you give me a fic rec for how to search ao3 tags? I know you won’t use this but I wanted to make you laugh ok bye ily

Okay so, here’s the deal. I get a lot, like A LOT of fic rec requests. And to be fair, I consume an unhealthy amount of fanfiction and I am kind of the right Hot Leaf for the job. 

90% of the reason I have so many recs is because I spent the majority of the month of May reading atla fanfiction, but I filtered it in a specific way and here is my process (aka, how to significantly cut down the sheer volume of atla ao3 works to get what you want). 

This isn’t how everyone is going to want to filter their ao3, but this is what my process is.

Here’s where we’re starting: 

As I’m writing this there are nearly 14000 atla fics (and just two months ago there were just over 11000). So we need to narrow down things before we start. 

For me personally, I start with excluding ships I know I don’t want to read about. I know for most people, ships can make or break a fic read and filtering out ships you don’t like cuts down the plethora of fics immensely. 

So once I’ve cut out the ships I don’t like, I usually go and cut out some more because ao3 will show the top pairings of the feed first (and once you’ve excluded some ships, the next few top pairings show up in the list). Go through ship exclusions a couple of times until most ships you know you won’t want to read about are excluded. 

Now that we’ve done that, let’s see where we’re at: 

Okay, we’re making progress. 

Now I’m going to get more specific with what I want. Filtering out languages you aren’t fluent in or can’t read at all is another good strategy for cutting down the load. Some other things I do are excluding crossovers (because atla gets included in A LOT of crossovers and I’ve only really found two I actually got into), setting the minimum word count to 1k (because I just need my fics to be at least that long, personally speaking, and that is by no means going to be the standard for everyone). 

Now let’s see where we are: 

Okay, that’s significantly more manageable than the 14k works we started with. 

Next part is excluding certain warnings, this is another thing that’s going to change based on the person, but you can filter out some of the more triggering topics. 

Now with some more stuff excluded, let’s see where we’re at: 

Alright, now I’ve got to be real, I’m here to read about Zuko. I will not lie. So let’s click the ‘Zuko’ button under Include: characters 

So this means we are at just under 4k works, which is SUPER manageable. 

Those are the Standard Hot Leaf AO3 Filters: at this point we just need to add some specific tags for your specific needs

for some ‘Zuko needs therapy’ fics: here are some good tags to include Ozai (Avatar) Being a Terrible Parent, Ozai (Avatar) is an Asshole, or Ozai’s A+ Parenting (this is how you find all the ‘gaang finds out about the scar fics’) 

other good tags to check out: Zuko is an Awkward Turtleduck, The Gaang & Zuko (Avatar), obligatory gaang finds out about zuko's scar fic, Western Air Temple

for good zukka content, my favorite tags to check out are: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting,  Post-Canon, Alternate Universe - Roommates/Housemates, Friends to Lovers 

Some other tips 

1. If you like a fic, check out the author to see if they have other works and look at their bookmarks. If someone wrote something you like, chances are they have similar taste to you and will have bookmarked some similar fics. 

2. If you notice certain trends in the tags of the fics you are enjoying, note those tags and check them out. 

3. Tumblr has a bunch of other accounts with great fic rec lists. Check out the ‘fic recs atla’ or ‘fanfiction recommendations atla’ tags on Tumblr and you’ll find a bunch of lists. 

The deal is, atla ao3 has such a large collection that if you look up a tag, 99/100 you will find something if you’re general enough. Have faith in the tags. Filters are your friends. If you have an idea of what you want, cutting down the collection to the types of fics that appeal to you is crucial if you want to find some gems. Fanfiction is going to be a matter of personal taste and ao3 is wonderful for many reasons, but mainly because it allows us to narrow down our choices. 

I hope this was a helpful guide for those looking for fics. As always, my fanfic recs tag is full of my favorite works and you can always check out my ao3 at hot_leaf_juice to see all the works I’ve bookmarked. 

And once again, this isn’t how everyone is going to filter fics, but for those just getting into fanfiction and being overwhelmed with the volume of atla fanfiction, this is a good way to make it manageable. 

[solactier]

This one’s for you @heytherestilinski

This is going to be quite the mixture of emotions, so I apologise in advance if my expression of said feelings is all over the place, but I simply must talk about the golden fanfiction that is Heat Waves and how it has swayed my soul with sounds of sweet bells.

To start, I should say, I’ve been in love with writing and reading for as long as I can remember. The ability to weave an entire world with mere threads of words is fascinating to me, always has been. I’ve taken in quite the number of books and fanfictions throughout my period of living, and considering so, I can confidently say:

Dakota’s writing is a force to be reckoned with.

But the force I speak of is the kind that is emitted from ember sunrises that one witnesses during moments between summer and autumn. They hold a certain glow that keeps a person sat there, for incessant hours, in pursuit of a special warmth that will leave them settled and content.

I have never been captured and pulled in by a descriptive style more than I was with Dakota’s, and I say this having read a multitude of her work. This author is admirable in a multitude of ways, and I’m genuinely excited for anything and everything they will produce in the upcoming future. 

I could ramble for a good bout of time about many of Dakota’s works, but that would result in a document longer than Dream’s 19 page rebuttal, so let’s focus on one (for now).

Heat Waves

Two words that hold a grand amount of weight and cause hearts to shift.

I have a lot to say about this prosperous and glorious story, but at the same time I don’t because upon finishing a chapter, be it one of the first or the last, I am rendered speechless. My words of explanation and admiration morph into vibrations of zeal flowing through my veins as I absorb beautiful descriptions and powerful dialogue.

Heat Waves chapters aren’t ones I find myself totally rereading often, and here’s why:

When reaching the end of whatever chapter and scrolling through the final notes, I am left satisfied, completely. Dakota’s style is captivating in a way that allows me to read their sentences and phrases carefully and attentively, making sure the picture painted in my mind is as accurate as possible. I will encounter a certain, strong line and read it again, and again, and again before continuing on as to ensure I consume the sentiment being served, and mind you, it was served.

I came here at first expecting the usual or normal plate-size of feelings, but oh was I wrong, I was quenched, fully fed, if you will lol.

The reason for that is this narrative is not your typical fanfic troupe.

Heat Waves is a story about messy, unpredictable love, and that’s what makes it as enthralling as it is. It is poetic as it is real.

It’s thrilling lust turned to excruciating yet oh so warm love.

Dream misses and wants to hold onto George’s presence regardless of the pain it causes him, of the internal conflicts that have suddenly surfaced, of the changes he must face and make, of the haunting dreams. 

Even if George’s actuality distresses and brings Dream affectionate confusion, he will still reach for him. He will hurt and hurt and hurt in order to grasp the heat he’s grown a little too addicted to because he prefers when George is around, rather than when he isn’t. 

Dream’s mind spirals and his feelings scatter over interactions due to him knowing George very well, yet not knowing him at all. The two could flirt and exchange the most ridiculous of dialogue and nothing would change, and that’s where a certain dilemma is contrived: How much of this is real? What is considered serious among the numerous jokes him and George make? How far is he allowed to go? All of these questions tug at the curves of Dream’s brain and heart, and he is unsure about much, but despite that, he finds himself thinking all about George, during late nights, in the middle of June. 

Dream undergoes a series of emotional disputes over whatever the fuck is happening between himself and George, and that, my friends, is the heartache that comes from truly having feelings for someone and wanting their every speckle. Of course, such strong desires can sometimes be unhealthy. Dream, at one point, is a bad friend to Sapnap (whom we all must agree to stan because damn sir your back must be hurting from carrying your two idiot friends’ passionate but disordered baggage. a king) by ignoring his calls and messages due to being caught up, tied, and trapped in the strings of yearning. This one guy is doing so much damage to Dream, but he’s fallen too far down the pit of affection to care, in fact, he luxuriates in it.

(I also honestly do not blame Dream for playing the song on loop, because same, really does make you feel things)

Dream loves George. He loves George so much that the simplest of phrases and statements set his nerves ablaze and sparks his soul with hope.

It’s so painful but so fucking invigorating.

Which is why, at one point or another, he must learn to let go, not completely, but enough to stop the analysing and obsessing and sweating and dreaming, and that’s what’s so enticing about this tale, that among the reaching, there must be patience in order to reach something stable. Dream has been going insane for far too long, pouring his heart out to the one he so desires, but with such want comes uncertainty and surprises. Who the hell would’ve thought George had feelings for Dream for a good while before reeling himself in, only for his emotions to be stimulated with affection all too unexpectedly.

and who would’ve foreseen the slap of pure angst that were chapters 9 and 10, George’s hopeful rejection.

We read the two flirt, smile and laugh until their chests ached, connect, talk and call for hours, send fucking snapchats to eachother, telling sentimental stories, and much more.

All for Dream to crumble, piece by piece, until he is on the floor and crying over missing a chance he’s been so desperately trying to take. After what felt like a blooming relationship, Dream is seen breaking.

Because George wasn’t ready.

Because George was hit by a sudden wave of emotion that is so confusing and overwhelming and what the fuck Dream.

Yet, not all has been lost. The blazing fire of yearning may have been rained on, but it has not gone out.

Because it’s not a no, it’s a not yet.

And I cannot tell you the power such a statement holds. It was such a simple phrase, yet it shook my core as it delivers something raw, something hopeful, something to look forward to and have you inhaling a breath of longing because embers are still sparking and maybe, maybe, that chance isn’t completely out of Dream’s reach.

He just has to work on listening, bettering himself, healing and reaching a point of self-contentment. A point where he knows: he’s right for George, he’s enough for George. And the same goes for the latter.

Everything is so messy and destructive and confusing, yet they still reach.

And that, that, is such a raw form of love that it left my chest tight. They both want to be the best for eachother. They want to work and try for eachother despite the pain it may bring. They wait, and with their patience comes progression, which slowly but surely, will turn into comfort.

And to have the ability to articulate and describe such a journey is insane in every sense of the world. This story takes your collection of emotions and rattles it, making you feel so much at once that when ending a reading session, you release a satisfactory breath.

It didn’t end with attained love, or accepting confessions, or a romantic moment during the visit, or promises of kisses, or whatever cliche closing you could think of.

It ended with two friends saying “see you soon”

And that was perfect.

Perfect enough leave me, the reader, content and in awe. Because this is a slow and difficult love, one that will simply need time, as time is what will heal.

I couldn’t have asked for a better ending. Dakota is truly an inspiration.

Thank you, for creating and sharing such a masterpiece of a story, and having your readers go through the entire spectrum of emotions.

I cannot wait for Helium.

:)

[leakyrocktarot]

hm... now thinking about it, isn't it really dangerous to share information like age in readings? hear me out. for example, let's say the idol is an adult, but their soulmate is a minor, or the soulmate is an adult while the idol is a minor. like that in itself can lower the idol's reputation if people take it really far– and to be honest, you might be thinking that it's unlikely to happen, but there have been SO MANY UNEXPECTED ACTIONS TAKEN BY PEOPLE that i'm too scared to even look over this and act like it's not a big deal now. because in youtube, there are so many fan fictions of certain BTS members that are trending and so many people started having a bad image of the members because they were influenced by the fan fictions. and then now with the readings too... some readers aren't actually doing readings and now so many people doubt the reader's words or think the reader is delusional when it may not be the case. because the trust was broken once, we can't go back to how it was before. and now, it just feels like some people are here just to spread hate in certain blogs they don't like, come to a certain blog and try to trick the reader into "admitting" something, and then going to another blog and gossiping about it. like, why did it change so much. why are there so many fights and why are there people who just come with the sole purpose of bringing down big/small blogs. do they find it fun to bring blogs down? do they find it fun to make people hate on a certain person to the point that their mental health deteriorates? why does everything easily become toxic... sorry for rambling on and on about stuff, but i just wanted to share because the amount of betrayals, hatred, anger, and sadness i've seen and felt is just so overwhelming and i don't know what to do at this point.

For the age portion, I agree but for different reasons. I feel like age is something that's a bit too personal, and something that's hard to tell even with divination. I feel like adding ages to readings can often lead to more people believing they have a connection to a person, or cause someone who believe they have a connection to someone become angry or sad, or people trying to put their own "acceptable" label on things. Personally I believe it causes more problems being known than being unknown.

As for the Fanfiction and Reputation, I also agree. A lot of people use these medias as a form of escape, so much so that they often forget that these things aren't real actions, conversely young kids could be influenced by these thoughts as well. And before anyone asks I'm not saying reading or watching fanfiction is wrong, but be careful of how you consume these things.

As for the readers, that is also something that I have witnessed and experienced. Many readers put in a lot of work and energy into giving proper readings, ones that are true to the cards, and they don't receive as much acknowledgement compared to the readers who use the cards to suit what the masses want. A lot of people put their trust into these readers to tell them the truth yet their trust gets broken time and time again.

I feel as though the reason why there is so much hate in the community is because of people forming unhealthy attachments to these idols. People often projecting their insecurities and jealousy when a reader posts a reading that doesn't resonate with them. Many people don't like being told that these idols are real people outside of their fantasies with lives of their own, families of their own, people that they love. I know a lot of people use these idols as means to escape their own realities but sometimes it leads to the detriment of yourself and these idols. There have been countless times when idols have came out in relationships and many fans threaten to harm themselves because of it. Just recently there was a scandal where a member of enhypen said the n word, and a little black girl was bullied so badly for saying that she was offended by what he did that she unalived herself and I find that disgusting. What is it about kpop and these idols that causes people to lose their morals and commit these heinous acts?

People often forget that cyberbullying is illegal and is punishable by law with a hefty fine and jail time, especially if that person did not survive the attack people can be charged heavily whether they are anonymous or not.

People are becoming toxic on their own accord. Sometimes it is circumstantial but it is always by choice. Someone once said "Growth is uncomfortable, it's hard to do, otherwise people would already be doing it" I hope these people heal honestly, it's not sustainable and it's not good for the long run.

[hireath24]

Everything Wrong with ACOFAS: A Rant  Part Four

Disclaimer: This is the fourth and final part of this series and will continue from pages 151 to 229. Part one can be found here. Part two can be found here. Part three can be found here. These page numbers come from the UK paperback edition of A Court of Frost and Starlight. This is my own opinion of the book - the writing, the grammar, the characters, etc. I won’t be commenting on anything that may have been plagiarized or that has been ripped off from the history of other cultures as SJM has a tendency to do. However, if there is something you pick up on about these subjects, feel free to comment them and I will add them to the post with credit. If you disagree with my opinions, I’m sorry and hope you see the error in your ways.

Page 152: ‘...felt like a decadence.’ I’m sorry, felt like a decadence? That’s not how you use that word.

Page 153: Feyre is drawing Rhys in the nude and all I can think of is draw me like one of your french girls Jack. 

Page 154: Whilst I’m happy that SJM is showing everyone suffering from a hangover because of all the drinking they did in the previous chapter, I want to know why Feyre couldn’t just use her magic to get rid of hers. And everybody else’s. If she’s said that she could use her magic to remove the pain of grief, why can’t she do this? 

Page 155: The paragraphing in this book is so messed up. I’m going to type out this little bit exactly as it is printed in the book, look: ‘But two massive figures filled the archway of the dining room, and Rhys paused.

Azriel and Cassian, having crept up on cat-soft feet, were also wearing their Illyrian leathers.

And from their shit-eating grins, I knew this would not end well.’ What is this? It’s such a mess. 

Page 155: ‘Tradition indeed.’ 

Page 156: Everyone keeps going on about how wealthy the Night Court is and I still don’t understand where they’re getting their money from. Do the people of the Night Court have to pay tax? Does Rhys have an amount of money that he puts back into Velaris for the upkeep of it? And why is Feyre saying that ‘paperwork could wait’? Uh, no. No, it can’t. The people of her court can’t spend the Solstice like she is because their homes are wrecked, they’ve lost family members. Feyre abandons her duties as High Lady to fuck around with friends and we’re supposed to believe that she’s a decent ruler? I don’t think so.

Page 164: ‘What is.’

Page 165: So Rhys upset Tamlin when he went to go and yell at the poor sod over in Spring Court a few chapters back and it upset Tamlin so much that it made him throw out all of Lucien’s clothes because he ‘wishes to remain in solitude’? So, basically, this was all Rhys’s fault and he doesn’t face any consequences for it. 

Page 167: I’m so happy that Elain is making it very clear that she doesn’t want a mate, but I wish Feyre would stop going on about how good of a male Lucien is to her. And she says to Elain ‘You couldn’t say a single word to him’ as if it’s Elain’s job to make him feel comfortable? Elain wants nothing to do with him! Feyre needs to stop pressuring people. 

Page 167: ‘Solstice. It was Solstice.’ WHY

Page 168: Aaaaand they’re drinking again. Feyre abandoned her work for friends and alcohol. I’m not okay with it but I’m even less okay with how common and casual wine is used here. 

Page 169: ‘Tell me what.’ 

Page 171: ‘Illyrian babies indeed.’ 

Page 172: Do you remember a couple of years ago when high school AUs were all the rage in fanfiction? That is what this book reads like, only high school AUs managed to make me cry on a few occasions. 

Page 172: So it’s an ‘Illyrian custom’ for the heated shed, birchin, and a bunch of naked warriors ‘sitting in the steam, sweating’. But... Why? And can somebody please tell me what a birchin is? 

Page 178: One of the characters gets red sexy underwear as a present, which is fine. But in a kid’s book? No, no, no, no. No!! A twelve year old could be reading this! What the fuck? 

Page 179: ‘Against the onslaught of Nesta.’ Wow, SJM is really trying her hardest here to villainize Nesta. 

Page 184: ‘rare, vibrant paint from the continent.’ This line was just thrown in here without any explanation at all! Why is the paint rare? How did Azriel get it from the continent? Why is it only available on the continent? 

Page 193: These last couple of pages really did it for me with Cassian’s character. He follows Nesta home after she says she doesn’t want him to? He yells at her and tells her to ‘go somewhere else’ even though he knows she can’t? He reaches for her hand after she’s told him many, many times to leave her alone? This is creepy. This is stalker behavior. And if they get together (which we all know that they will), this is fucking borderline abuse. It’s controlling and toxic and unhealthy, which could be said about all of SJM’s romances but heigh ho. 

Page 194: What is ‘faelight’? 

Page 201: ‘Would it indeed be a gift for you?’ 

Page 201: Also, why is the mountains with the stars the Night Court’s symbol? What’s the history behind it? 

Page 201: Feyre’s toes have ‘curled’ three times in this book and I’m just thankful that the Fae can’t develop arthritis.

Page 202: I can’t... I can’t read this sex scene. I can’t do it. It’s too much. ‘My breasts turned achingly heavy.’ OH MY GOD. Not only is this a kid’s book but.... It’s also just disgusting. 

Page 202: ‘Brazen possessiveness.’ This can’t even be read as sex positivism  anymore. It’s violent, possessive smut. Did somebody say BDSM? (Wait, wait. BDSM requires consent and safe words.) Also, if you want to write about sex positively then talk a bit about protection? And consent? And making sure that everyone is comfortable? And for goodness sake, don’t add this to a kid’s book. I made a post that goes into more detail about this here.

Page 204: ‘How you let me do such naughty, terrible things to you.’ FUCKING WHAT?! DO I EVEN NEED TO EXPLAIN HOW BAD THIS IS?!??!

Page 205: ‘Undiluted, utter predator’ You cannot look me in the eye and tell me that this was SJM’s attempts at adding in some sex positivity. To be honest, I’m, starting to think that this whole book was just fan service. SJM knew that her readers wanted the wall scene and here we have a whole book dedicated to the build up of it. NOTHING HAPPENS IN THIS FUCKING BOOK!

Page 206: Rhysand just climaxed at a picture of his child. 

Page 209: It’s incredibly sweet that Rhys bought a house for Feyre. Really, no, it is. And the ‘build a nursery, Feyre’ is also sweet. But A) the money side of things needs explaining. B) Why does nobody want to be at the House of Wind and what’s the point of even having it if nobody uses it? C) Rhysand bought Feyre a house when many of his people are currently homeless due to the wars... Right. 

Page 211: At this point, Rhysand should just leave Tamlin alone. I don’t care what his intentions were. And seriously, is this the way that High Lords act with each other? There should be guards there, there should be people there to protect their own High Lord. There should be advisors and- What does the Fae government look like? What are the rules? Is there a jail? A judge? The High Lords act like spoiled, rich children. 

Page 214: ‘Alive. It was all alive.’

Page 214: Mor has an estate that sits on ‘three hundred pristine acres.’ I want to know the geography of the courts. Yes, I know, we have a map. But that’s all we have. I want to know about borders (and if there are physical borders that need to be guarded to stop people from coming in to separate courts). Is a passport thing or even papers required to travel between courts? Buckingham Palace has 39 acres of land, including what it sits on. Did SJM do any research? There are whole countries smaller than three hundred acres. 

Page 215: ‘She didn’t want to take his joy away from him. Anymore than she already did.’ Mor feels guilty about her sexuality because she won’t be with Azriel and, somehow, fans of the book are okay with that. 

Page 222: This may just be me being stupid but I’m confused about ‘Illyrian.’ Rhysand said their children would be Illyrians, Feyre calls him an Illyrian baby. They wear Illyrian leathers and follow Illyrian customs but here: ‘Some part of him was Illyrian still. Always would be. Even if he wished to forget it.’ What does this mean? I’m so confused. 

Page 222: Do you know what might be a better act of feminism then having girls train to fight? Having the boys of all the camps be allowed to leave. Being allowed to stop fighting and go and have families. 

And that’s it from me, folks! I’ve read this book twice now and my opinion hasn’t changed. It’s boring, problematic, addresses things very poorly. It’s too sexual, there’s too much talk about alcohol and sex. And it really did nothing at all. 

Thank you for joining me on this little series! It’s definitely been interesting. Again, if there’s anything that I’ve missed then tell me and I shall write it in. I may do this again with more of SJM’s books but it’s surprisingly time consuming. 

[thewriterabbit]

Oops...I Did It Again...

Oops, it’s July...

Is it really July?

Wow. Okay. Time really flew. I meant to come back and give an update after the last one I made in May…however, I never got around to doing it.

I apologize for the extended silence. It definitely wasn’t my intention when it came to launching this blog. I had a plan when it came to The Write Rabbit, and if I’m going to be completely honest with you all…I haven’t exactly been following it.

In today’s post, I’m sharing some life updates, writing updates, and…most importantly…an update regarding The Write Rabbit.

Life Update

Oh my God.

How life has changed since I made the decision to launch The Write Rabbit earlier this year. I mean, it wasn’t exactly unexpected but it was still quite overwhelming.

Everything with my day job has been, go-go-go! It’s been super busy, really hectic…and by the time I get home, I just want to lie down and not think or do anything. It’s been a miracle if I found enough energy to work on writing or even read a book!

Recently, I’ve been promoted and it’s been crazy adjusting to the new schedule and the work load. 

I’ve been overwhelmed lately, and everything that wasn’t pressing at the time was put on the back burner...and that, unfortunately, meant my writing and The Write Rabbit. 

If I’m going to be completely honest with you, I didn’t have the energy nor the proper motivation to go forward with it. If I was going to work on those projects, I wanted to put all of myself...all of my energy into them. I wanted to put my best foot forward with these projects. I wanted to put my all into them and I didn’t want to put too much stress on myself when I have to focus on other things. 

But that being said...

A lot has changed on the writing front, too. 

Writing Update 

I’ve been writing since...middle school...oh, god. How long ago was that? 2008/2009. Wow. Gosh, that was 14 or 15 years ago. Up until now, I didn’t know what the hell I was doing. I was throwing everything and anything up against the wall and waited to see if something (anything) stuck. 

To be honest, nothing really did. 

I wrote a lot of fan fiction. Like...a lot. Like an unhealthy amount. I started a lot of fan fiction while I had a mountain load of other fanfiction I was still working on. I worked on a lot of fiction and posted some of it online. But the main project I worked on was a supernatural-fantasy that I planned on being a series. At least a five book series. In high school, I was so obsessed with the idea.

It consumed nearly everything that I did.

It practically clouded my judgment when it came to writing. I absorbed any and all writing advice I could find, mostly on YouTube. However, no matter what I did...I could never break whatever hold the first draft of the first book.

I think...I think I burned myself out.

I think I pushed myself too much, too hard, and I practically ruined the series for me. The series is temporarily shelved.

Around the same time, I was in a massive writing and reading slump. All throughout my college career, I tried really hard to break through it. I tried to read more...I tried to write more. But, for some reason, something just didn't click.

When I first began my blogging journey, I thought that would somehow kickstart my desire to begin my writing journey once again. I thought that it would inspire me to get out of my writing slump...to get out of my reading slump.

But it didn't.

Time passed. Time mostly spent in limbo. In that time, I did write...some. I did read...some. But it wasn't as much as I liked. At the same time, I felt as though I burned myself out with blogging as well. Mostly because I didn't really have anything to say.

I had nothing.

So...what was the point?

My blog...inadvertently...went on a hiatus. A mostly unannounced hiatus. I took a break so that I could focus on other things...mostly writing.

However, this year I wanted to change. I needed a change. After some thought, and some long inner debate, I've finally decided to start taking writing seriously. Treating writing like a job.

There was a road block, in my mind, that prevented me from writing. I didn't know what it was. Until much recently, and I wished I had the knowledge to recognize it. Not just that...I wished I had the confidence and courage to call it as I saw it.

The mindset of viewing writing as merely a hobby just because it isn't making any kind of revenue at the moment was incredibly detrimental. I didn't want writing to be a hobby.

I had to step back and figure out what I wanted. What I wanted to do with writing. If I wanted to do it just for fun, just as a hobby. OR if I wanted to make a career out of it.

And I wanted to make a career out of it.

And so....my approach with writing had to change. And that was the key that I needed to allow me the ability to finally let go. It gave me the freedom to go at a pace that was much more feasible for me. I don't know if I'm explaining it right. I'm probably not.

But I'm starting to think I'm the kind of person that likes to plan and process what I'm doing and how I'm doing. It's weird.

Currently, I'm in pre-production (the planning stage) of a project that I've been working on and off since 2020. With this new mindset, I'm trying to approach my writing very differently. I'm trying to take my time and find a process that works for me. Originally, I had planned on beginning the drafting phase later this year and actually finishing it by the end of November...but I don't think that's an ideal plan. I'm taking the rest of the year to plan and figure out the story and hopefully, fingers crossed, I'll be able to begin drafting this project next year.

Blog Update

Late last year I wanted to get back into blogging. I just didn't know how. I just knew that it couldn't be a similar iteration of blogs I've done in the past. It was because of this idea that The Bluebird was formed.

It was my fresh start.

My approach was different....and the same. The difference was...I wasn't going to rush into blogging content before I felt I was ready. I wasn't going to launch a new blog before I had enough content to back it up. The idea was that I would launch the social media accounts before the blog, buying me enough time to figure out the kind of content I wanted to discuss. Buying me enough time to work on blog content.

However, The Bluebird never felt right when thinking about my blog.

I don't know how to explain it. But when I first picked the name, somewhere deep inside...I knew that the name would be temporary. That somewhere, down the line I would make a name change.

I didn't think it would be within a few months.

I had an idea one day while on break at work. Randomly, the idea of Alice in Wonderland popped in my head. The 137 year old children's classic is one of my favorite books. I read it in middle school and it has stuck with me ever since. I started thinking about the white rabbit and then the 'white' turned into 'write'....and I fell in love.

The Write Rabbit is a perfect connection to literature. It perfectly described the kind of blog that I wanted to make. I want this blog to be about stories and storytelling. I want to highlight stories in all of its forms: literature, film, television, music, and art. I also want to share my writing journey and share the behind the scenes of writing.

Currently, for the summer of 2022, I am going to remain on hiatus while I continue building content for the social media account and building a blog that I am proud of. Also, it gives me the time to really focus on my writing and honing my craft.

I appreciate your understanding and your patience. I’m hoping to come back (full swing) sometime in the fall. By then, I’m hopefully more comfortable with my new position and have gotten myself into a routine when it comes to writing and blogging.

Until then, I hope you follow The Write Rabbit’s social media accounts to stay up to date when I officially come back. I hope you all have a fantastic day and a great summer and I will see you in (roughly) three months!

[stupidfanfics]

Til’ Death Do Us Part; A Barry Allen Fan Fiction

Chapter 1: Pinch Me

Summary: In the first chapter Monica Bell moves to Central City and (despite being the new girl) quickly becomes friends with Barry Allen.

Word Count: 2097

Warnings: None

(A/N): Yay! It’s finally here the first chapter of my series. Thank you to darlingpetao3 for editing my story. Just as an FYI I’m new to this so if you have any advice please let me know. Also, I’d really appreciate it if you shared this with your friends. Also for anyone new to fanfiction (trust me we’ve all been there) here’s a little key for you: y/n is your name, y/f/n is your full name, y/e/c is your eye color, and y/h/c is your hair color. Ok, I think I’m done rambling. Enjoy!

Love has always been one of those things that has consumed all of my attention and energy. For as long as I can remember I’ve always ‘liked’ someone. Ranging from that stupid crush I had in the third grade to the boy I’ve liked for so long now. I’m pretty sure I’m in love with him. I mean how could you not love him? He is adorable, hilarious, super smart, and not to mention 6’1, with hypnotizing green orbs for eyes.

Barry Allen.

The name that has made my heart either flutter or skip a beat every time I hear it, since the tenth grade. You see, my life was very different before I met Barry. For the first eleven years of my life, my mother and I lived in National City. My mom worked as a journalist for Cat-Co while somehow still managing to raise me as a single parent. My life was great in National City; my classmates loved me, my teachers loved me, and during summer, I spent my days on the pier and my nights sitting by a bonfire making s’mores and staying up past midnight with my good friends; nothing was stopping me from living a perfect life. That was until, as my mom puts it, “Duty Called,” and she just had to follow.

So that June, us two packed all of our stuff up and moved to Central City so that my mom could start her job at CCPN. I’d be lying if I didn’t say I was on the brink of tears the whole trip there. Although I had the whole summer to settle into my new city and meet new friends, most of my first summer there was spent reading biology books I had checked out from the library.

The first day of school came sooner than I had expected, which caused me to only get about three hours of sleep the night before. Earlier that night, I had settled on wearing a plain blue top and jeans. I didn’t feel like drawing too much attention to myself. Meeting new people has never been my thing.

Central City Junior High was only a ten-minute walk from my new house, but my mom, being the person that she is, insisted on driving me there on my first day. I don’t really remember the five-minute car ride there, mainly because I was lost in my own thoughts 99% of the time. The other 1% was spent twiddling my fingers or bobbing my knee up and down at lightning speed.

Once my mom finally pulled up to my new school, I quickly pecked her cheek goodbye and started my long journey to first period. It was weird being an “Outsider.” I finally experienced what it was like to be ignored, or bumped int-

“Shit,” I mumbled under my breath as all of my new journals fell to the floor (along with an unhealthy amount of colorful gel pens). All I could hear was the evil snickering of a few students behind me as I dropped to the floor with teary eyes to pick up the mess that was just made. I swiftly grabbed a handful of pens before a set of hands appeared on one of the journals. I followed the new set of hands with my blue eyes, up their arms to the face that owned them. Suddenly they were met with two green eyes staring right back into mine.

“Don’t worry about them, they always pick on their prey. I mean not that you’re at a lower rank than them, but you were alone and-” His rambling was instantly cut off by a voice above the two of you.

“Come on Barry, if I’m late to first period Dad’s gonna kill me.”

As soon as all of my things were back in a neat pile the stranger in front of me stood up and apologized to the voice that just spoke. I slowly began to stand back upright when the two of them started strolling down the halls.

“I-I’m sorry for what happened to you... whatever your name is. Wait, I don’t know your name. What’s your-” I couldn’t help but smile at his rambling.

“Barry Allen, I swear, if you don’t start picking up your feet I will drag you through these hallways for the rest of your life if I have to.” And with that, the two strangers, the green-eyed boy, and dark-skinned girl were out of sight.  

As I walked into my first-period class you kept I head down low, avoiding any attention. I hastily took the last seat available (a seat in the dreaded front row) and gently placed my backpack on the back of my chair. Chatter could be heard throughout the classroom until- BIIIING- the bell went off and everyone suddenly fell silent.

“Hello class, I’m Ms. Martin and I will be your science teacher this year. Now before I start my class, I’ll be taking attendance, so please just say ‘HERE’ loud and clear when I call your name.” Ms. Martin went through about eight names, and I zoned out until a name caught my attention.

“Bartholomew Allen.” A hand shot up at the desk to my right.

“Here ma’am, and I go by Barry- Barry Allen.” I heard a few giggles in the back of the classroom as Barry slowly put his hand down.

“Well, okay then, Mr. Barry Allen.” The teacher checked off yet another name on her list. “Next would be, Monica Lucille Bell.”

It felt like all of the air had been sucked out of the room. My lungs began to burn and my heart was running 100 miles a minute. Slowly, I raised my hand only reaching the point where the tip of my middle finger reached the top of my blonde dressed head. Unfortunately, even though I was in the front row where the teacher could easily see me, she still stared me down until I meekly uddered out a ‘Here’. Suddenly all of the tension in my body was released and I was finally able to breathe again.

That was until I felt a finger gently poke my shoulder.

I turned my head towards the source of the finger. The stranger held out his hand until I nervously took his hand into mine and shook it, looking into his face.

“H-hi I’m Barry-” he whispered.

“You do know she just said your name like fifteen seconds ago, right Barry?” I questioned, rolling my blue eyes.

“Well, I just wanted to ‘formally’ introduce myself, Monica.”

And that’s how it all began. Little did I know that day was the start of my long adventure with Barry Allen.

After that day, Barry and I slowly grew closer and closer together. About a month into the school year the two of us were inseparable. Barry and I would spend as much time as possible together. Whenever the two of us were around it was impossible not to hear laughter.

Of course, Iris and I were also good friends. After awhile Barry had told me about his mother’s death and how after his dad went to prison he had to move in with Iris and her dad, Detective Joe West. The Wests always welcomed me with open arms, and soon my mom and I began celebrating birthdays, Christmas, and Thanksgiving with them. One of my favorite memories with Barry is actually the first Christmas the two of us spent together...

Central City was colder than usual that year, and the weather forecasters were predicting a 75% chance of snow on Christmas Day. My mom and I decided to stay the night at the West's’ house, seeing that it would be too cold to walk home and there was bound to be a dangerous amount of ice on the roads that night. All five of us had decided to spend our night by watching a few Christmas movies while drinking hot chocolate and eating cookies. I’ve never been too keen on nostalgic or cliche traditions, except for this one. That night was full of laughter, smiles, and hundreds of happy memories.

One being the frosting incident.

After dinner, that night, Iris, Barry, and I crowded into the small kitchen to decorate gingerbread cookies. The house was filled with the warm scent of cinnamon and sugar, and Christmas music from the local radio station played faintly in the background.

“Well, I’m pretty sure my cookies are going to be the best,” boasted Barry, standing in front of his work of art with his hands on his hips in triumph.

“And how do you know that, Barry?” Iris challenged him, carefully piping a snowflake made of white icing onto a golden brown cookie.

“I’ve got mad frosting skills, Iris, that’s why.”

I just stood there, listening to their conversation as I covered my cookie in little white dots of sugary frosting. Until I came up with a mischievous idea. Interrupting the debate going on between Barry and Iris, I gently tapped Iris on the shoulder and quietly whispered something inaudible about Barry in her ear. A smile slowly crept onto her face as she nodded her head.

“What are you talking about, Monica? Anything important?” Barry interrogated me, taking two steps closer.

“Oh nothing,” I said with a bag of frosting in my hand.

“Just that… I’ve got mad frosting skills too...” I screamed as I began to squeeze icing all over Barry’s face. Behind me, Iris was dying of laughter before Barry’s facial expressions went from shock to pure rage.

“Oh Monica,” he breathed, taking a step forward with his hands behind his back. “Two can play this game.”

Instantaneously, he took a bag of frosting into his hands, haphazardly squeezing all of its contents like a water gun, hitting both me and Iris. The laughter and screaming coming from the three of us was so loud we didn’t hear the footsteps hurriedly walking towards the kitchen.

“Guys… What’s going on in-?” A huge glob of frosting was flung into Joe’s face and once all of us realized what had just happened, the whole house fell quiet.

“J-Joe...I-I can explain,” stammered Barry. Joe wiped the frosting off his face and onto the now filthy floor.

“There’s no need to explain Barry. Just make sure all of this is cleaned up in thirty minutes.” As Joe began to turn around, I couldn't help but point it out.

“Oh…um… Mr. West?” Joe stared into my face.

“Yes, Monica?”

I pointed to his face “Y-you…. you’ve got a little frosting in your eyebrow.” Barry started to giggle as Joe slowly turned away, wiping the frosting from his eyebrow with his index finger.

The next morning I was woken up by someone shaking me back and forth

“Mon…Monica.”

I slowly rolled over and swatted Barry’s arm away.

“What do you want, Bartholomew?” I asked, followed by a long yawn.

“First of all, you know I go by Barry. Second of all, you’ve got to go outside!” he exclaimed, grabbing onto my forearm and pulling me off of the sofa. I was half asleep, so I allowed him to continue dragging me to the front door until a cold blast of air sent shivers down my spine. I finally opened my eyes the rest of the way to find an enchanting white blanket of snow covering the neighborhood.

Briskly, Barry let go of my arm and awkwardly ran over to the snow. His face was beaming with joy and I couldn’t help but join him in his sappy bliss. Instantly I ran over to him and both of us dropped to the floor, moving our arms and legs, attempting to make snow angels. For a while, the two of us just stayed there giggling and staring at the cloudy sky above.

“Monica?” I flopped my head to the side to meet Barry’s green eyes.

“Yes, Barry?” I answered.

“Will you please pinch me-?”

I rolled my eyes. “Come on Barry, you of all people should know that doesn’t-”

“Monica, just shut up and pinch me!” he yelled. Quickly, I sat up and took his plump little cheeks in between my thumbs and index fingers, pinching them as hard as I possibly could. Barry squealed and I fell back down into my original position as my body shook with laughter.

“Merry Christmas, Monica…” he whispered.

“Merry Christmas, Barry,” I said with a huge smile on my face.

[cbk1000]

Part two of BTS of Why Is Jenn the Way She Is What Happened In Her Childhood to Produce This??

This series began and ended with Klaroline, but more importantly, it began and ended with Caroline. Even before TO really got off its feet and horrified us all with its first wobbly preggo steps, I knew it was unlikely that Caroline would play a large role in the show. So that was my goal in the beginning: simply to transplant Caroline into TO, to explore her burgeoning relationship with Klaus, but especially to explore Caroline as the wonderfully flawed and flawless character she is. She was a perfect foil to Klaus: not just romantically, but as a way to explore immortality from a new perspective, to line them up side by side, to show that evolution in its various stages, and at its most extreme ends. Caroline was at the perfect jumping off point for a writer with a boner for tackling all the most difficult questions of immortality: young, poised between humanity and vampirism, with one foot in her old insecurities and the other in her revelations about humanity and relationships. She was fun, she was heartbreaking, she was the very bitchslap Klaus needed when he was in the midst of an unchecked tantrum. She will forever be one of the best characters I've ever had the pleasure of trying to do justice to, and I think her character arc was immense, and thank god for my unrelenting obsession with her, because I never would have found the necessary satisfaction in canon. Canon degraded, regressed, and threw her aside; I wanted to do the exact opposite. I wanted her to climb out of the tiny box of Mystic Falls; I wanted her to realize how shitty and unfulfilling and damaging her time there was; I wanted her to understand that she didn't deserve it. I wanted her to be young and confused and a little lost, but, Jesus, that's ok, you know? She has so long to  grow into herself. And I had three years to follow and document that growth, and frankly, I'm sad it's over, but I'm also proud of where she's at as a character now. As challenging as Klaus was, Caroline was equally difficult. People underestimate Caroline; she's the easy one. She's not the thousand-year-old murderous manbaby who somehow must be shaped into an actual relatable character that human readers can sympathize with.

She's not the easy one; she has so much depth and love in her. The writers underestimated her potential and trapped her in a shitty podunk town with Lieutenant Colonel of the Shitheel Fuckboy Brigade (I cannot emphasize enough how much I hate Stefan), and I could never let that fucking stand, so in reality, even if TO had realized all our most fantastic headcanons, I'd have still shit out a War and Peace-sized brick about why Caroline Forbes is objectively The Best and if you disagree you are wrong.

But most of all, this series was about the Originals and my obviously unhealthy and persistent obsession with them. This is what the goddamn show was supposed to be about: one thousand years of disturbing murder angst. They had the opportunity to examine these characters from various different historical perspectives, to really dig down into the deranged but seemingly unbreakable bonds between some fucked-up but fascinating individuals, and, well, you know what we all got instead. And I was so salty about it that I wrote over half a million words of weird murder fic.  And it was challenging and time-consuming and really, really exhausting sometimes trying to balance all these various different perspectives, to write Rebekah as a terrible bitch who is still somehow heartbreaking, and Klaus as a nearly irredeemable shithead, and Kol my little creepy murder Peter Pan. I spent weeks and often months researching the flashbacks. Random lines and scenes would wake me up in the middle of the night. I neglected Mr. Jenn. (Ask him about how I shut myself up in our bedroom like a hobo and issue strict orders that I am to be disturbed only if the house is on fire, and even then he better have tried everything to put that fucker out before jarring me out of a writing trance.) I poured everything I knew, every skill I had into trying to bring them to life, to understand them, to sympathize with them, to explore their relationships with each other, with history, with humanity in general.

And speaking of relationships...

We come to the other elephant in the room. That cardinal sin, the realm of aqua-haired Mary Sues, the dreaded OC. Poor Tim, precious murder child to some, unsympathetic narrative usurper to others. Tim was never intended to be anything more than a recurring background character who would emphasize just how fucking old these people are. Here's an acquaintance from literally a hundred years ago, just chilling in the same pink-cheeked pretty boy face he had in 1915, because has anyone mentioned how old all these fuckers are? And then I thought, you know what, I wanna' see Klaus turn and mentor someone. I want to see him manipulate and corrupt someone for the sheer joy of it. I want to show what Caroline is really getting into; I want to show all the darkest bits of him. I want everyone to know that this guy doesn't always have a plan; it's not always a scheme. Sometimes, he's just bored and he wants to ruin someone.

And then I sort of started feeling sorry for the poor bastard, because really, he seemed like a nice enough kid, polite, sexually confused in a time period when exploring that confusion would literally get you jailed. Not a slick British guy with dimples and a pun for all seasons; someone painfully awkward, someone with a deep and abiding kindness, no matter what. And then, well, he and Kol started banging, only I made the mistake of developing a friendship first, and there was this oooooohhhh noooooo falling sensation and I realized for better or worse this ship was sailing, and that I had better develop him as an individual outside of their relationship, so here we are, two years later, tap dancing and weird porn and all. He was supposed to be killed off, first before I bothered to delve into him, and later when he was bitten by the werewolves. But I didn't want to write in a shock death, I didn't want to kill him just because I knew some readers really liked him, and I kept coming back to something my sister said to me, which was that gay guys never get the happy ending. And that's true. I've watched a fair amount of LGBT films, and in almost all of them, someone leaves or dies or contracts AIDS, and we all learn a valuable lesson about the dangers of Being Gay. Happy endings are for heteros. That bothered me. A lot. Kol was always going to leave--that was always going to be his ending. But I was much hazier so far as Tim was concerned. I kept coming back to what she said, over and over again. Like, you know what, yeah--yeah. Men aren't supposed to end up together. That's what every movie has taught me. We can maybe excuse women for it, but that's not what Manly Men do. They need to be punished for even trying. So I threw them into the sunset and screamed, "Run, you fuckers!!" and now they're somewhere on a beach, doing it.

This is already too long (story of my life), so I'll just wind it up with this: I'm not a popular writer, and I've wrestled with that over years of posting fanfiction, and I wrestled with it while posting this series, especially as the shows began to jettison their audiences and that began to be reflected in review numbers. You wonder, if it's you, if it's the show. You wonder if anyone is listening. So for everyone who followed this series from the very beginning, who joined up later, for everyone who is still inexplicably here, for even those of you who aren't: thank you. Thank you to those who messaged me, who reviewed, thank you to those who followed silently along, lurking bashfully in my hit numbers. Thank you to everyone who encouraged me, thank you to everyone who talked me through some rough scenes, and some rough feelings. I never really had any faith that I would finish this in a way that satisfied myself or my readers; it was too big a project, too ambitious, too far beyond my abilities. And yet here we are, and you know what? I feel pretty good about it. (Gross but-what-am-I-going-to-do-with-my-life-now??? sobbing aside.)