#OMG SMOKED CHEESE COOKIE???!!!!

[theidiotomelette]

[dedfly]

YAY I GOT AWAKENED GOLDEN CHEESE ON THE SECOND PULL

Yay...

[pinkvaquita]

SPOILERS UNDER THE CUT OF WORLD 18 ON CRK

Edit: forgot to say, the screenshots are from Royal Mike

SO OMG, OH MY FUCKING PUTO GOD ESTO DE VERDAD ESTA PASANDO Y YO CREÍA QUE ESTABA LOCA

"Is just some lines out of context"

YEAH BUT THIS FUCKING FANDOM MAKES ALMOST ALL THEIR SHIPS WITH THINGS REALLY OUT OF CONTEXT. SO LET ME BELIEVE I'M SEEING THIS

Like, HAVEN'T ANYONE ELSE HEAR THE WAY THEY WERE SAYING THAT???? OUR BIRDMAN SMOKED CHEESE SOUNDED SO FUCKING

✨Flirty ✨

That is impossible to not interpret it in that way.

That's it, I'M SALLING THIS SHIP. THIS TWO HAD SOMETHING GOING ON AT IT DEFENETLY WAS A FUCKING SHOW TO SEE. PERIOD.

[crk-confessions]

This is a bit tiring, after this update, but I'm offering my two cents.

I just see Golden Cheese Cookie, Mozzarella, Burnt Cheese, and Smoked Cheese Cookie as friends. Siblings can be an option too.

I can't see Golden Cheese Cookie as a mom. Sorry. I just don't think she's the type. I think she considers everyone in her kingdom her treasures. She cares for them all like they're her friends.

As soon as that loading screen came out, everyone was like "OMG Golden Cheese Cookie adopted Burnt Cheese" but like, whenever Burnt Cheese interacted with Golden Cheese, I don't get the whole mom son thing. Especially in the initial update over a year ago. I just see two as friends/siblings who knew each other for a long time.

I don't know if this counts as evidence, but Golden Cheese Cookie called Smoked Cheese Cookie her friend in Episode 6 of Beast-Yeast when she told him to leave before fighting Smoked Cheese Cookie. That kinda sealed it for me that Golden Cheese Cookie not only see Smoked Cheese Cookie as her friend, but probably for the others too.

.

[cheesecakemermaid1048]

Mozzarella Cookie got second place

Help us get a GCK cookie to get 1st place

Golden Cheese Cookie would absolutely scream (in a good way) if one of her dearest citizens got a gold

omg yes,she would be so proud...and mozzarella and burnt will rub it smoked face the fact he didnt win anything

[qkrovv]

um umm hi i really like ur art 🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰 and i have nothing else to say so like (i drew macaron cookie looking for his husband 😇)

HIII OMG :3 TYSM ALSO I LOVE YOUR ART OF THE HUSBANDS!!!!!!!! THEY LOOK SOOOO CUTE!!!!! did they find eachother???

have this. (Cheddar Cheese cookie smoking weed)

[vaquitap1nk]

https://www.tumblr.com/vaquitap1nk/763605354420502528/would-smoked-cheese-cookie-and-golden-cheese?source=share

Oh no nono I was talking about separately, like

Golden Cheese Cookie x _______

Smoked Cheese Cookie x _______

Sorry for not clarifying 😂 I don't ship the two together

OOOOOH XD

Alright then :D

For Smoked cheese I have been sold for Smoked Cheese x Mozzarella since the Golden cheese welcome update.

THE TENSION, THE LINES, THE FLIRTING.

They both slay and at the same time she walks him like a dog. Mozzarella single handling has stopped him from spirilling in toxic behavior more than once. They are married, Golden Cheese planned the wedding. trust me I'm devsis.

Now about Golden Cheese.

Before this last update hit, my biggest ship as Golden Cheese x Dark Cacao. They are so oppositive attracts coded. She annoys him and he lets her. They both will trow hands for their friends. Woman that is used of hot weather and hates cold x Man that is used to cold weather and hates hot.

But then Burning Spice appeared and omfg-

You can't give me an enemies to lovers where they both will trow hands and be too close and sweating and panting and there I size difference, THE SEX MATERIAL OMG.

And also tgey are folds of each other. Sides from the same coin. They literally share the same little powerful stone and I feel like low-key even Burnings spice itself see it. (He was so excited to fight her)

Like yeah he literally destroy her wings but the problem was that I loved the ship and made way too many hc's too soon and now I got too attached.

So right now in the past days kinda been shipping that. I'm planning in returning to Goldencacao by making it a poly tho. (Somehow two OC's got involved but let's ignore that)

[makerofmadness]

"People literally saw the persian girl and said "what the fzck why did we get her we wanted the imperialist" 😭😭"

(I hope you don't mind me quoting you)

But. Omg. 100% true.

Honestly I can care less about Smoked Cheese. Tbh, people just wanted another hot sounding Cookie to look at. We need more skrunkly cookies. Olive is a nice addition.

When I find out who her VA was, my jaw dropped. REPRESENTATION MATTERS!!

FOR REAL like I have no clue who Smoked Cheese's VA is but like. If they're not persian then like literally they almost certainly have more rep than us we literally get NOTHING outside of racist stereotypes like 300 (and stuff like that always just portrays us as "the enemy" we don't even get poorly written protagonists like everyone else 😭).. And genshin impact for some reason (I've never played that game but I've heard some of the character names thrown around and. Kaveh is unambiguously a Persian name. So. Like I guess that's something?????? Maybe?????????).

like and Olive legit shares some physical traits with me I think????? Like she has thick hair (and idk what the exact texture would be as an human but like definitely not straight [my hair is wavy and that's pretty common for Persians I think) and (literally) olive skin like. She's persian 100% and she's just a fun little lady AND SHE'S AN AUTISM and yet people still just call her boring and then start using her as the go-to character to blame for whatever character from the concepts they thought was neat not getting added. And especially for Smoked when he legit was just if Affogato was an imperialist.

"we need more autistic POC characters" you couldn't even handle Olive Cookie /ref

[sm0resc00kie]

https://www.tumblr.com/sm0resc00kie/768263066964148224/smoked-cheese-cookie-is-definitely-petty-golden?source=share

OMG I HOPE I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING WRONG OMG OMG I'M SO SORRY

Let me just stay quiet now

nah! im just laugh!

[pure-vanilla-lilies]

OMG YEAH

I remember when people were mad about Olive Cookie because Smoked Cheese Cookie wasn't playable

I want an apology for Olive Cookie from the haters 😂😂 /hj

THIS

[theplxnetsystem]

Omg omg I didn't think you'd actually respond omg 😭

But seriously, no problem! I see amazing art all the time and I often wonder "Who made this?" and I always do a reverse image search and do a deep dive. It happens so often to me it's crazy.

I would want someone to do the same for me if I ever encountered and issue like this, I'm glad I was able to help!

- same anon

P. S. Love your space blog theme, it reminded me of Stardust Cookie. Also how do you feel about the Golden Cheese update? What do you think is going to happen for the 3rd anniversary update?

I guess this means I owe you one, mysterious anon XD Alsoooo, tyty! I love space/galaxy aesthetics quite a bit, and I'm glad u like it too >:3 As for the update, I'm a fan of it!! Feel really bad for Golden Cheese, poor girlboss :c although the only downside in my eyes is that Smoked Cheese wasn't a playable cookie in the update, he looked like he would've been fun to play as </3 And the 3rd anniversary update... Not sure, actually! I know it won't be like the Ovenbreak 7th anniversary, which was all sentimental in a sense, since Kingdom is still newer? We'll probably get some new cookies, that's for sure, maybe an Ovenbreak carry-over too, but with the current 7th anniversary event, take that prediction with a grain of salt lol

[spikeydinosaur]

Week 24, Writing Prompt Wednesdays

I’ve been wanting to do a list entry for a while now. Yay. Today’s prompt is taken from the Writers Write prompt posted today, June 14, 2023: “20 things to be happy about.”

1). The smell of honeysuckle wafting from who knows where. One day it will be mine, but for now, it smells divine anyway.

2). Steaming tea waiting patiently to be sipped, to pass on its gentle pick me up, to tickle my nose with its faint essence of bergamot.

3). Y’all, the Knights won the Stanley Cup. Yay!

4). My World of Warcraft is currently working. I have an old computer, so anytime they push a new update, it usually breaks my WoW for a few days. But, for now, s’good.

5). No headache today! A day without a migraine is a day to celebrate indeed! I am freking tired, though. Ugh.

6). Cheese. Cheese always makes people happy. Unless you’re lactose intolerant. Or vegan. More for me, I guess?

7). No shortage of books. I try not to buy more, because I can’t read them fast enough, but oh look, another one.

8). No smoke for us yet. It would be a great summer if the smoke stayed away. We’ve had enough these past five years. But it’s only a matter of time.

9). Shows. Thank you Netflix. Nuff said.

10). Long days, short nights. Not too cold. Not too hot.

11). Leaves on the trees, Flowers haven’t completely gone away (but they’re trying)

12). Period dramas. Yup, I’m one of those. Come at me.

13). Open windows and a nice breeze. Even better when it’s not crazy loud outside.

14). Actually making process on a writing project. Seems so rare.

15). Hanging out with the kids. Freaking teenagers, man, always wanting to do their own thing it seems.

16). I enjoy watching justice being served to those who once believed themselves untouchable.

17). Cookie dough. The husband hates it. He’s wrong.

18). Ketchup! OMG, esp out of a glass bottle, totally tastes better. Fresh, crispy fries, and ketchup.. that’s heaven.

19). Music. Always playing in my head, but sometimes you just need some music therapy.

20. Conies from Skyline, in Cincinnati, OH. Chili, onions, cheese, cheese, cheese. This is just a happy food for me.

[pinkvaquita]

Can we talk about the whole flirty thing that happened between Smoked Cheese and Mozzarella cookie??? IS JUST, OMG IS JUST SO OBVIOUS.

Obviously, spoilers under the cut and all the screenshots are from Royal Mike.

Like, the first time they talked alone, when Mozzarella was telling him that he was right and she was gonna help him, but specially with THIS line:

Like, SHE KNEW WHAT SHE WAS DOING. Mozzarella talked politely and calm before, trying to make him see she was on her side, BUT THEN SHE SAID THIS IN SUCH A FLIRTY VOICE. She waited for the perfect moment to seal the deal with that. She knew she was gonna win him by that telling him: "I like you more than our queen". AND SHE WAS SO DAMN RIGHT.

He felt as hard as a fucking rock in her trick, and not only that:

"I'll show you something very interesting... "

OOOOOOH HOLY FUCKING SHIT

THE TONE, THE TENSION, THE FACT THAT THE NEXT ESCENE WAS MOZZARELLA IN A BLACK BACKGROUND MAKING IT LOOK LIKE THEY WERE DOING WHO KNOWS WHAT THINGS BEHIND SCENE.

I am the only one thinking this like they were talking this super close to each other because of "being a secret"? JUST IMAGEN THIS FOR A SECOND WITH THAT IN MIND.

And then we have the next time this two were alone. When Mozzarella decided to do her trick with the Marzipans. Smoked Cheese was out of his head. But the second, THE SECOND he hears Mozzarella talking him like a loyal follower

He is GONE for some seconds, he gets a bit calmer and he has to THINK TWICE before letting himself trust blindly her words. Is not an automatic response, it takes him EFFORT.

Hell yeah girl, WALK HIM LIKE A DOG.

... Well, owl. Walk him like and owl.

But what I'm meaning here, is that this two had a lot of chemistery together. MOZZARELLA LITERALLY HAS HIM AROUND HER FINGERS. And don't tell me this doesn't make you considera that this hasn't happened before.

Like, Smoked Cheese is described to have this kinda if ideas before. So maybe it would be a usual idea of Mozzarella to stop him before he goes crasy like this. Not only in the simulation, but also before in their first life?

[inkmadeoftears]

1-98 💁‍♀️😏

Mythgoi1. coffee mugs, teacups, wine glasses, water bottles, or soda cans?

—Coffee mugs, wine glasses.

2. chocolate bars or lollipops?

—Chocolate bars

3. bubblegum or cotton candy?

—Bubble gum

4. how did your elementary school teachers describe you?

—Dependable

5. do you prefer to drink soda from soda cans, soda bottles, plastic cups or glass cups?

—glass cups

6. pastel, boho, tomboy, preppy, goth, grunge, formal or sportswear?

—formal

7. earbuds or headphones?

—earbuds

8. movies or tv shows?

—TV shows

9. favorite smell in the summer?

—autumn leaves

10. game you were best at in p.e.?

—Badminton

11. what you have for breakfast on an average day?

—None

12. name of your favorite playlist?

—Valdosta

13. lanyard or key ring?

—Lanyard

14. favorite non-chocolate candy?

—Uhhh dont know any po hahaha

15. favorite book you read as a school assignment?

—Things Fall Apart, Chinua Achebe

16. most comfortable position to sit in?

—Cross Legs

17. most frequently worn pair of shoes?

—Black

18. ideal weather?

—Cuddle Weather

19. sleeping position?

—Side

20. preferred place to write (i.e., in a note book, on your laptop, sketchpad, post-it notes, etc.)?

—Note book

21. obsession from childhood?

—Chessboard

22. role model?

—My future idea of myself

23. strange habits?

—answered

24. favorite crystal?

—Opal

25. first song you remember hearing?

—twinkle twinkle little star? HAHAHAHA

26. favorite activity to do in warm weather?

—Cuddleesssssss

27. favorite activity to do in cold weather?

—Hugs.

28. five songs to describe you?

—Miserable at best —Mayday paradeeeeeeee everything

29. best way to bond with you?

—Food trippppp, smoke or drink

30. places that you find sacred?

—None.

31. what outfit do you wear to kick ass and take names?

—Uhh wala lagi ako nak formal e hahahahaha

32. top five favorite vines?

—Not really my thing

33. most used phrase in your phone?

—’Well’

34. advertisements you have stuck in your head?

—sa jollibee,  bida ang saya?

35. average time you fall asleep?

—11 am.

36. what is the first meme you remember ever seeing?

—’you dont say’

37. suitcase or duffel bag?

—duffel bag

38. lemonade or tea?

—Lemonade

39. lemon cake or lemon meringue pie?

—Lemon Cake

40. weirdest thing to ever happen at your school?

—Uhhhh pag yung may natatae hahahahahaha HAHAHAA

41. last person you texted?

—Mom

42. jacket pockets or pants pockets?

—Jacket Pockets

43. hoodie, leather jacket, cardigan, jean jacket or bomber jacket?

—Hoodie

44. favorite scent for soap?

—rose

45. which genre: sci-fi, fantasy or superhero?

—Sci-Fi

46. most comfortable outfit to sleep in?

—Boxers

47. favorite type of cheese?

—kahit ano HAHAHAHAHA pero mahilig ako sa cheese

48. if you were a fruit, what kind would you be?

—seedless

49. what saying or quote do you live by?

—Do not add tomorrow’s burden to todays because if you do, it will become unbearable.

50. what made you laugh the hardest you ever have?

—Nung tumaob yung tropa ko sa sofa bumaliktad tlga yung sofa. SOlid yun hanggang ngayon natatawa pa rin ako HHAHAHAHA

51. current stresses?

—NCOV, walang trabaho, no money. di ko alam kung makakasurvive ako, may ncov kapitbahay

52. favorite font?

—Times New Roman

53. what is the current state of your hands?

—Shaky

54. what did you learn from your first job?

—Never be late.

55. favorite fairy tale?

—Uhh not really my thing

56. favorite tradition?

—None

57. the three biggest struggles you’ve overcome?

—working to finish study, diploma, life

58. four talents you’re proud of having?

—writing —singing —speaking —socializing

59. if you were a video game character, what would your catchphrase be?

—Come at me

60. if you were a character in an anime, what kind of anime would you want it to be?

—Adventurer’s World.

61. favorite line you heard from a book/movie/tv show/etc.?

—Same as my quote

62. seven characters you relate to?

—A, Everyday, David Levithan —Quentin, Papertowns, John Green Ito lang tlga yung may epekto sakin. pero Solid.

63. five songs that would play in your club?

—Uhh i wont.

64. favorite website from your childhood?

—friendster

65. any permanent scars?

—heart.

66. favorite flower(s)?

—Rose.

67. good luck charms?

—Pen sya e. First pen I ever write with.

68. worst flavor of any food or drink you’ve ever tried?

—Cobra na orange. OMG so bad.

69. a fun fact that you don’t know how you learned?

—Kaya ko pla mag tumbling.

70. left or right handed?

—right

71. least favorite pattern?

—what? I dont get.

72. worst subject?

—chemistryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

73. favorite weird flavor combo?

—Suka na may asin hahahahahaha

74. at what pain level out of ten (1 through 10) do you have to be at before you take an advil or ibuprofen?

—8

75. when did you lose your first tooth?

—nauntog sa pader HAHAHAHAHA

76. what’s your favorite potato food (i.e. tater tots, baked potatoes, fries, chips, etc.)?

—KAHIT ANOOOO OMG BASTA POTATO.

77. best plant to grow on a windowsill?

—Cactus

78. coffee from a gas station or sushi from a grocery store?

—Coffee

79. which looks better, your school id photo or your driver’s license photo?

—Drivers license. HHAHAHAHAHA

80. earth tones or jewel tones?

—Earth tones.

81. fireflies or lightning bugs?

—fireflies

82. pc or console?

—PC

83. writing or drawing?

—Writing

84. podcasts or talk radio?

—Podcast

84. barbie or polly pocket?

—uhhh dont know? hahaha

85. fairy tales or mythology?

—Mythology

86. cookies or cupcakes?

—Cookies

87. your greatest fear?

—Losing.

88. your greatest wish?

—Sana mag go through yung healing process.

89. who would you put before everyone else?

—Nanay ko.

90. luckiest mistake?

—Hmm wala pa naman ata?

91. boxes or bags?

—Boxes

92. lamps, overhead lights, sunlight or fairy lights?

—Lamps.

93. nicknames?

John, Jesh, Jey, Sir.

94. favorite season?

—Autumn

95. favorite app on your phone?

—Tumblr.

96. desktop background?

—A woman.

97. how many phone numbers do you have memorized?

—hmmm three.

98. favorite historical era?

—Wala. HAHAHAHA PESTE KAAAAA, HI THANK YOUU!

[purplesurveys]

716

First and Middle Name Robyn. You’re not getting anything more than that. What would you rather be doing right now? I’m in my happy place rn taking surveys and having coffee at 11 PM. I can’t complain. How do you feel right now, honestly? I’m feeling a little blah. Anxious, bleak, empty, sad... just blah. I’m taking surveys for two reasons tonight: because it’s my routine (which is usually my only reason) and also to take my mind off of real life for a bit. Today’s been heavy.

Do you feel good with God? I don’t think of that concept at all. What is your signature perfume? Beyonce’s Heat Rush haha. I’ve used it since high school; nearly everyone recognizes me by that scent.

What is your favorite smell? Freshly baked chocolate chip cookies, hotel rooms when you first check into them, and onions and garlic being sauteed. What perfume/cologne do you want to try? I’m not feeling too curious about other perfumes. I’ve been happy with mine for like half a decade now. What color are your nails? Not colored, not painted, not modified. How big is your nose? For an Asian it’s pretty standard. If you compare it to international standards it’s slightly large but it doesn’t overpower my other facial features. Do you keep a diary/journal? This one. I answer like this every time lmao. What is something you do everyday? These days I’ve been drinking coffee daily. But if we count pre-lockdown habits, I always play with my dog and always have played with him in the last 12 years. What is something you know you will never do? This question is such a curse cause I’ve done everything I used to say I’d never do lol – drink, smoke, cut class, join an org while in college, etc. I’ve run out of things I’m uninterested in doing. Would you rather a road trip or fly by plane? I honestly love both modes of transpo and both are actually my favorites but I think I like planes a little more. I like seeing cities and nature and the sunset/sunrise from up the sky. Plus I don’t get dizzy and they also serve food in planes. When do you prefer to listen to music? I’m not very attached to music so I don’t feel like having it on 24/7, but I do tend to turn to my Spotify if I feel like it’s too quiet and I’m too scared to be alone with myself and my thoughts. Usually this happens if I’m home alone and it’s a slow day and I’m not particularly doing anything. What is music you can't stand? Country, gospel, anything with too much screamo, Taylor Swift. What color ink do you love to write in? Black is alright with me. Have you ever pressed flowers in a book? Nope. What is your favorite type of flower? OMG this question in a survey again? Peonies. What is your favorite animal? Dogs. What is your favorite kind of insect? None I hate them all. What are you drinking/eating right now? I have a cup of coffee with me. I’m feeling kinda hungry but it’s midnight and I doubt we have anything.

OK scratch that lmao - my dad’s been in the kitchen for much longer than he usually is at this time of the night so I went up to him to check in because of this question, and now I’m getting a ham and cheese sandwich yay. What kind of car do you have? I have a Mitsubishi Mirage hatchback. On my coding days I’ll drive my dad’s Suzuki Vitara. What kind of shoes do you wear the most? Sneakers/rubber shoes. What do your sunglasses look like? I don’t really wear shades. Where do you shop for most of your clothes, honestly? Independent clothing stalls at the mall, mostly in Feliz. They usually follow whatever’s trending on IG and fashion in general at a much lower price than what I’d see in like Zara, so it’s a pretty sweet deal. What does your purse look like? I don’t have a purse, just a wallet. It’s pink and is pretty straightforward with its pockets lmao. What do you love to wear (tops)? Puffy sleeves, spaghetti straps, off-shoulder tops, anything sleeveless really, and t-shirts with graphics on them to get a 90s feel. What do you love to wear (bottoms)? Currently obsessed with mom jeans these days. How many times do you think you fart in a day? I don’t fart. At least when I feel one I suppress it on purpose. I just find it gross hahaha I’m only okay with burping.

Do you fart in front of your significant other? No, but the other way around. Do you poop in front of them? She will sometimes. Do you remember what you did yesterday? Yesterday was technically two hours ago so it’s still pretty fresh. I spent most of the day angry and anxious. What do you plan to do tomorrow? Idk. I’ve stopped having a schedule/routine in the last month. What are you looking forward to in the near future? For the quarantine to be over, to go to the mall again, to GRADUATE. What is your favorite kind of tea? Iced tea. What is your favorite candy bar? Butterfinger. Or Reese’s, even if that’s round and only if it counts? What is your favorite kind of cake? Cheeeeeesecake. My birthday’s on Tuesday and thank god there’s a house in our village that sells homemade cakes and one of the things they sell is cheesecake, because then it’ll be easy to order for that day. What kind of milk do you drink? I don’t drink milk and I’ve never been conditioned to consume it in general, so I’m not familiar with the different kinds, even the ones lactose intolerant people can drink. How do you like your coffee? Anything but blaaaack. The creamier/sweeter the better. What is a site you check everyday? Twitter, unless I deactivated. What kind of shoes will you not be seen in? Wedges.

[walkinsauce]

Christina Walkinshaw’s Health & Wellmess Blog- Chapter 1: Veganuary

Well, I’m 40 now. I guess I have to start caring about my body. For the most part of my life, I have not cared about the following:

Mani’s/Pedi’s

Shaving/Waxing 

Showering

Opening mail

Scented candles

Detox/Cleanses

Back up hard drives

Fashion/style

Oil changes

Flossing

Eyeliners over $4

Waze

Diets

Oh but I do recycle.

Do you know I’ve never lost weight in my life? My weight has been on a slow and steady incline in one direction my whole life- like the yodeler on “The Price is Right.” Up, up and away, like that sweet 5th Dimension song you’re probably too young to know. But now, as I enter a new decade of my life, I know for sure my metabolism is on it’s downward spiral. For the most part, I feel good. I’ve never been one of those super skinny chicks. The sick part is, I look back on photos of me when i was 40 pounds lighter and know I never even felt skinny back then, when I truly was. Weight and self-image can be a fucked up thing. Especially when you live in a town like this. (L.A., obviously. To be fair, I felt fat when I lived in Ottawa too.)

I’m not necessary trying to lose weight this year, I’m just trying to stop from gaining it. This is more of a preventative thing. I don’t even know how I’d track a weight loss blog. I don’t actually own a scale. When I was in my 20′s I lived with girls who owned that scale that said THINNER across the top of it and I’m still scarred. Who the fuck put that scale on the market? Cruel. The only place I consistently weigh myself is on Fremont Street in Vegas, at the Heart Attack Grill. (Hot tip: If you’re over 350lbs you eat for free!) The last I checked, I was 165lbs. 

When people think of me, they think “happy hour” and not “personal trainer.” I’m not anybody’s “health & wellness” coach, that’s for sure. That being said, if I’m going to try to fix myself, I’m happy to take any delinquents like me along for the ride. Why are there no diets for people who drink and smoke marijuana? Seems a little rude if you ask me. My favourite gift is a bottle opener. I recently joined a wine club. I’m only JUST getting into Prosecco. I like beer, okay? (That line has been tarnished, I know.)

But every January, as the clock nears midnight on Dec. 31st, I get this overwhelming feeling that this year is going to be different. This year I’m going to be my personal best. I fantasize about changing for the better, and yet every February I’m right back to being the same IPA fart machine I’ve always been. This. Year. I. Will. Be. Better.

So I’ve started with…

Veganism. 

Yup. There’s a whole thing right now called #Veganuary, and I’ve jumped on board. I’ve read a lot of Vegan propaganda in the past ten years. Eating Animals, Skinny Bitch, The Lean- they all have good points. I’ve tried being a vegan twice in my life. (The second time I referred to myself as a “stay at home vegan,” meaning I was only a vegan at home. I couldn’t deal with the social ramifications of being a picky eater.) Both times, I came back to my usual carny diet of chicken wings and first and foremost, cheese. Let’s see how I do this time…

I warned people at the end of December I was going to try a “plant based diet” for January. Somehow saying “plant based” seemed less jarring than “vegan.” Well, seems like nobody believed me.

I came home New Year’s Eve after my show (so technically it was January, but do we have to be nit-picky?) and decided I couldn’t let the last of the delicious Canadian Mastro’s Hot Calabrese go to waste. Or the blue cheese. Both cured meats and blue cheese are so much better in Canada. Plus I had a little wine after my show, and it would be detrimental to my health if I didn’t eat before bed, cuz everyone knows eating before bed stops you from getting hangovers.*  

Plus, how am I supposed to become a vegan when there’s still salami lying around the house? Do sex addicts let their last condoms go to waste before they go to sex rehab or wherever? I highly doubt it.

I wake up, January 1st, feeling fresh thanks to my 2am lite supper. I’m ready for Veganism! Me, my parents, cousin and cousin’s daughter meet at the Cactus Club in Vancouver (k-Burnaby, but close enough) and I am excited to find all the V’s on the menu. I order the Crispy Tofu Bowl, with NO radish. (When I was in Kindergarten we had a vegetable garden and it made me barf my first ever ingested radish. I’m still not over it.) 

I gotta say, it was delicious. I poured hot sauce over the whole thing obviously. My cousin is a vegetarian, but she has a side of fries, edamame and a Bellini. (So you know we’re related.) My meal is delish, and doesn't make me feel overly full like last week's lasagne did. Perhaps it's the tofu, or perhaps it's the Canadian portion. 

I’m still making my holiday rounds in the mother country, so afterwards we hit up Grandma’s house. (I have a very busy social schedule, as you can tell.) I check Grandma’s Danish cookies in the round blue tin to see if they’re vegan. They have those controversial “MAY CONTAIN” ingredients which are really stressing me out. I eat one pretzel shaped cookie and call it quits. 

Then off to my sister’s, for dinner. We’re supposed to order in, and I pray they don’t order without me, but of course they did. Pizza Hut. Four pizzas, all with cheese. To be fair, I don’t think anybody actually thought I’d stick to a diet. I never have. And I never turn down pizza, I just pick off the mushrooms. I decide to double down and order Thai. I love Thai food- coconut curries will literally get me through Veganuary. I know it.

Oh god is blogging about food boring? I was probs more exciting when I was blogging about my Tinder dates, but at least the food won’t get mad at me for blogging about it. (Except the maybe the mushrooms.)

I fly back to L.A. the next day. I know L.A. will be easy to pull of Veganuary. This place is full of picky diets. At the Vancouver airport I hit the Banh Mi place, which seems like the only vegan friendly joint past security. Of course they’re out of tofu. January! Fuck. Should I give up now? I can’t starve. And I can’t get drunk without eating lunch first and who can get on an airplane without a glass of wine?

Luckily I like to get to the airport 82 hours early, so I decide to wait for them to make more tofu. That’s right- I’m really doing this. Twenty-five minutes later I have my tofu Banh Mi (with hot sauce.)

I couldn’t be happier when I get home to my cute new L.A. pad. I open my fridge and of course, there’s not much in there after being away for two weeks. And you know what’s staring me right in the eye…

That’s right. My old pal, Trader Joe’s Calabrese salami. 

Shit. That stuff lasts forever. (That should scare me.)

I close the fridge, and slowly give it thought…

“Well, I shouldn’t waste food. I could be a vegan starting January 3rd. No one’s watching me. I’m not even THAT out of shape…”

But then something miraculous happens. A thought so exciting it overpowers any craving for food.

“OMG my VIBRATOR! I haven’t jilled off in weeks!”

I def don’t take it home for the holidays, ya pervs. I get in my pajamas, crawl into bed and satisfy myself sans le food. Straight to single girl dessert. I don’t need salami after all.

And just like that, I wake up the next morning, still a vegan.

xoxo with fruits and veggies, your new vegan (for now)

walkinsauce

p.s. Not sure I can give up cheese forever. If I fall off this diet, I’ll just try another. I hear there’s more than one...

* None of my “theories” on health and diets are proven or approved by doctors. This is just me, and what I think I’ve figured out about my body specifically.