#Noone wants to pay for the Pro bullshit people

[funtimespringscare101]

When you’re trying to make a video in CapCut and the company pulls even more bullshit

@chaosverse-mainblog @misterah13 @nickloongirlhere @thefoolishone666

CapCut took away the effects I use a lot in my edits and right now, I have two videos in the making! Ughhhhhhhhh

CapCut please don’t rub it in my face that I’m fucking poor…

[thatforgottenbasilisk]

something about ashes and dust

word count: 2107

(AO3)

summary:

Tomura doesn't know anyone by the name of Tenko.

Whenever he hears it, he tastes ash in his mouth. He doesn't know why.

For Whumptober 2023 Day 29, Prompt #3: "What happened to me?"

There is a child staring up at Tomura.

He doesn't know the kid. He doesn't have reason to believe he should know the kid. Despite this, there's a strange sort of familiarity about him; maybe it's his eyes, the same red as Tomura's own, though that's where their similarities end.

He's not really surprised to see a child staring up at him. He figures he's probably a pretty strange sight, the government's most wanted standing in the middle of a quiet suburban street. There's nobody else around, fortunately, which means there's no one to call in his location to the police and get everyone in the area killed- whether by his own hand or the heroes, it doesn't matter, because if anybody is dumb enough to make that call they'll be just as dead either way.

The sun is setting- odd, it had been noon just a moment ago- and there's a breeze that rustles the leaves on the trees outside. The child who's staring at him had come running up from the backyard of one of the houses, and stopped in his tracks on the sidewalk, not daring to step off the curb and come any closer to Tomura.

The world is so quiet around them that Tomura swears he can hear the kid breathing. The wind has stopped, the trees have stilled, and all there is are the child and him.

Tomura's head is quiet, too, something that hasn't happened since Sensei gave him All for One. There are no voices whispering conflicting words in his ears, there is no Sensei to take over his body and shove him out of his head, there is only himself, the silence, and the child.

"Go back inside, kid. Don't come out 'til morning, and make sure your mom doesn't know I'm here." Tomura's voice is strangely echoed, like he's listening to himself talk at the end of a long tunnel, but he doesn't pay it much mind. The kid's the only witness to his presence, and he doesn't feel like making more casualties. Nobody in this unassuming little suburb is culpable; nobody here is so complicit in the system that they do, or will, deserve death rained down upon them. He's sure that someone here is, probably, if he had the resources to find them and their family histories, but he'll give the benefit of the doubt and assume the civilians are decent civilians.

"Are you a hero?" The child asks, his voice as echoed as Tomura's. He makes no move towards any of the houses, and continues standing on the sidewalk and staring like Tomura's the most interesting thing he's ever seen. For all he knows, he could be; this seems like a boring, picket-fence neighborhood, full of boring people with boring lives, who haven't seen anything about his war except on their television screens.

"No. What's your name, kid?" Tomura answers, and asks his own question in return. He's no hero, won't even pretend to be, even though his bright red cape might suggest otherwise to those who've been living under rocks all this time. He doesn't even care how 'hero' is defined in this scenario, doesn't care if it means Pro-Hero or the kind of person who's selfless and self-sacrificing and trying to 'better the world' or whatever bullshit All Might used to say, he's not any kind of hero at all. No matter what he does, no matter what the outcome is, there's too much blood on his hands to call himself anything other than a villain; it's just that being a villain isn't always necessarily the bad thing that everybody always thinks it is.

"Tenko." The kid answers, and Tomura rolls it around in his head for a minute, casting around for why it sounds so familiar. He knew a Tenko, once; he doesn't know what happened to him, if he was loyal to Sensei or it was before he met Sensei, but he knows that he once knew someone with that name.

"Nice name. You like heroes, Tenko?" Tomura knows the kid probably does like heroes. He's a kid in this society, after all, and he's not old enough to critically think about these things; all he sees are bright colors and loud toys and he's sold. That's how Tomura probably was at that age. Maybe he even wanted to be a hero himself; wouldn't that be ironic?

"Yeah! My grandma was a hero! Don't tell Dad I like heroes, though. He hates them 'cause Grandma had to leave him behind 'cause Grandpa died. He's still mad about it, he says heroes are all selfish." Tenko says very quickly, as though if he says it faster he's less likely to be caught saying it, and Tomura still feels that strange familiarity, almost like he's heard this same story before. He doesn't pay it much mind, though, and simply shrugs in response.

"Maybe he's right. Lots of heroes are secretly really selfish, even if they don't tell you they are." Tomura answers plainly, and Tenko looks like a kicked puppy.

He takes a few steps backwards, still on that sidewalk but closer to someone's front lawn now. He's still staring up at Tomura, but now his expression shows a plain fear instead of mild curiosity. Tomura doesn't know where he went wrong, but he was bound to fuck up at some point, so he's not too torn up about it. Of course he was going to wind up scaring the kid; it's in his nature.

"You mean he's right? You mean me and Hana should get hit when we play heroes? I don't- I don't wanna get hit, I don't wanna get locked outside, I just- I just like playing make-believe and saving people! I like being in a pretend hero team! I don't wanna be bad 'cause of that!" Tears are streaming down Tenko's face, and he hiccups every time he stutters.

Tomura reaches out, to touch him, comfort him somehow, but before he can so much as reach a strand of hair on his head Tenko crumbles to dust.

Tomura pulls his hand away, but it's too late. Decay is spreading through the neighborhood, no house or tree or dog spared. Rivers of blood flow out of every house, running down the road and over his feet, splashing up onto his calves and, somehow, the palms of his hands.

"What happened to me?" is just barely above a whisper on the wind, just barely discernible as Tenko's voice. Tomura doesn't know, he didn't do anything, he didn't touch him! It couldn't have been his fault! It couldn't have been Decay!

He didn't do anything!

"Tenko." He hears it behind him, Sensei's voice in a strangely familiar tone, an echo of something he's heard before. Why would Sensei say that name? Did he know him? The Tenko he was talking to, or the Tenko that Tomura used to know? Are they one in the same?

Tomura turns around to see Sensei, almost exactly the same as he's been appearing in Tomura's head, fully healed and whispering guidance, assurances, suggestions and plans, drowning him out until he doesn't feel like himself at all, until it doesn't feel like he has the All for One quirk; rather, it's more like Sensei has him as a new vessel with which to use the quirk, a mere extension of himself.

He is kneeling, much larger than he is in life because he still towers over Tomura. He's reaching out, a single hand with a hole in the center of its palm halfway to bridging the gap between them. "I can help you," Sensei continues, "If you'll come with me."

He's heard this before. Tomura has heard this before. This exact sentence, this exact combination of words strung together in this exact order, said in this exact tone by this exact voice by this exact person. Tomura takes an instinctive step backwards.

He feels like he's being tricked. He doesn't know why, not really, because even with everything that's happened recently, Sensei has always provided for him. Sensei has always taken care of him, raised him as his own, when he didn't have to. If all he needed was a vessel, he could've easily stolen Tomura away and put him in one of the Doctor's tanks like one of the Noumu until he was old enough to support the quirk and Sensei's consciousness.

... Except he couldn't do that, because Tomura wouldn't be able to build muscle while stuck in the tank. He also wouldn't be able to set up an army, or make a name for himself in his own right so that when Sensei took him over, the general populace would instantly know of him as a threat, the same way they did with Sensei's original body.

"... I don't want to." Tomura says, and it's the first time he actually refuses Sensei.

Someone is screaming, out in the distance. Tomura's too busy watching Sensei to care.

"Come on. I'll make sure that you have a roof over your head, clothes on your back, which is far more than any hero ever did for you." Sensei cajoles, and Tomura takes another step back. He isn't lying, that's the worst part, Sensei is manipulating him and he's using the truth to do it. Sensei's got ulterior motives to everything, even his kindness. Maybe even especially his kindness.

"No." Tomura says, more firmly now, and something breaks nearby. The river of blood is still flowing.

Sensei's face changes. Suddenly, what was an offer mere seconds ago now feels like a threat, and Tomura doesn't know if he can outrun it. He doesn't know if it would be worth it to try.

"This is your last chance, Tomura. You are not unique, nor are you irreplaceable. Ask your friend Touya if you want confirmation."

Who the fuck is Touya? Is Tomura's first thought, though he quickly discards it as a distraction. Sensei's directly threatening him, now, which is something he doesn't like to do; he always said that burning bridges is a last resort, always, because people often turn out to be useful beyond what he initially estimates as their capacity for usefulness. Tomura must have something he wants, or else Sensei's running out of patience.

"I am not going to take your hand." Tomura says, plainly, and then all of a sudden the distant screaming is much louder.

Everything goes dark, for just a moment, before he opens his eyes to see that he's staring directly at his knees. When did he start kneeling? Why is his throat sore? Where did Sensei go? Where's the blood, where's the suburb, where's that Tenko kid?

Tomura looks up to see that it's noon again. Odd, the sun had just been setting a moment ago, but his sense of time hasn't been the best lately. The green kid is in front of him, staring silently, completely still.

He looks like Tenko, a bit. Kind of dirty, with an air of neglect about him. He's surprised that he hasn't taken this golden opportunity to kill Tomura yet; he knows if their positions were reversed, he wouldn't have hesitated.

Tomura stands up, and glances at his hands. They still have holes in them, from Sensei's quirk, but Sensei himself is silent, as are all the vestiges from his stolen quirks that Tomura thinks he might not have access to anymore. Is that a bad thing?

"You look," Tomura starts, before clearing his throat a few times. His voice is much scratchier than it was a few moments ago, as though he was just screaming his lungs out. Was he? Was that the distant screaming that he heard?

... Was any of what just happened real?

It must have been, he reasons, because Sensei hadn't been silent before, and he's very much silent now. Tomura feels like he's truly alone in his head for the first time in ages, and again he wonders if that's a bad thing or not.

"You look," Tomura starts again, "like someone I used to know."

The green kid flexes one of his hands. It's not a threat, just a reflex, because those fingers have clearly been broken multiple times- Tomura does the same thing, flexing old injuries when he's thinking, just to feel the pull of skin in ways it hadn't done that before, just to ground himself a little. He doesn't answer, beyond a slight tilt of his head that wordlessly tells him to continue.

"Yeah." Tomura says, in confirmation that the green kid heard him, acknowledging the very slight acknowledgement that he'd gotten.

"His name was Tenko."

[suicidalcatz]

Dog Days Are Over : Chap 3

AN : hi guys! A longer chapter in which we get to meet Jake for real. I had fun writing it, especially the dialogues, I hope you’ll like it. Next chapter will be next week, I’ll be abroad again but I’ll have more free time. I think we can categorize this as a slow burn / friends to lovers fic. The more I write ideas the more I know where this is going. Feel free to leave me feedback!

Pairing : Jake Kiszka x reader

Genre : College AU

Previous parts : Prologue ; Chap1 ; Chap 2

Masterlist : here

Chapter three : Mind if I join you ?

By the time I finished my assignment, birds were chirping and sunrays were piercing through the scraggy branches of the December trees. A pleasant fog had settled around school, covering  the park and the fields in a white blanket. Sitting by the windowshill, legs against the radiator, I was sipping my first tea/coffee of the day, but not of the night. My eyes were pricking with the familiar sensation of tiredness. Boy I knew this school was elitist but the amount of homework was impressive, I already missed sleeping. That was the main reason Mandy and I kept skipping parties, to be honest. I went half of the time to keep in touch with people, and be a little social. Mandy went more often and I didn't know how she could cope with that already infernal routine.

We were so busy painting and sewing that we napped whenever we had the time, every minute counted, we literally had no time to waste cooking or cleaning up the room we lived in. And the worst is that it wasn't even an excuse to our laziness, it was real.

Fabric of different colors and patterns were scattered accross the floor, a huge pile of canvas was pushed to a corner, our walls had my digits on them in the form of black dots because I didn't wash my hands after doing some charcoal drawing, and Mandy's sewing mannequin fully clothed in the middle of the kitchen always threatened to give me a heart attack whenever I went to the toilet and saw it in the corner of my eye. The good thing was that living together on campus and sharing a room was way cheaper than renting a place, and the legend was true ; art students really are broke. Sure it was smaller than we had expected, especially after filling it with all of our stuff, and we had to share showers and toilets with the other residents of the dorm but hey at least we had a little kitchen.

My phone alarm started ringing softly, and I immediately set if off, still gazing outside the windows at crows eating yesterday’s french fries and students already chatting, displaying posters for the Christmas school festival, and smoking in the designated area. Mornings really were for coffee and contemplation.

It turned out that my work paid off. Receiving compliments by the teachers was harder than expected but when they did congratulate me for my work, it felt twice as good. But that gigantic illustration got me running out of paper for the next assignment. Going to the school supplies store with a portfolio half my size was a pain in the ass, and feeling this enormous thing tug on my shoulder all day long was worst, but I had no choice. It was so unpractical that I accidentally kicked someone with it.

- Sorry I wasn't paying attention.

- No prob- Oh hey it's you.

- Josh ! Hi.

It was weird hearing his voice for the first time or at least talking for the first time, after having exchanged so many notes. I got cold just by looking at him, it's like he didn't even know it was Winter. Aside from a red and white flowered jumper, who definitely didn't seem warm at all, his tight jeans were cropped and he looked as extravagant as always. He had a very unique sense of fashion and I loved it, he really didn't look out of place in this school. A glance at his hands and I saw he came to buy some guitar strings. Before I could make small chat about it in order to break the ice, he saw me and addressed it, lifting the package in front of his face.

- That's for Jake, my brother. Playing the guitar isn't a part of my numerous talents.

So his name was Jake. Nice. I've been honestly so busy with work I had forgotten about him for a moment, but noneless mentally thanked Josh and his seemingly sixth sense for making things easier for me. The clerk was grumpy per usual, so we got out of the store before he could yell at us, and continued chatting in the hallway. It wasn't anything interesting, just getting to know each other a little. Much to my surprise, it wasn't awkward like I may have imagined it to be. Josh was a nice guy with great conversation and seeing him being at ease made me feel less shy too. He suddenly got in front of me and put a hand on my shoulder.

- So sorry about that ball of paper the other day, my pitcher skills are rusty.

- Not one of your talents either ?, I teased.

His expression softened before a small grin appeared on his face, nodding and shaking his finger like I just made a point. He gave me a light tap on the shoulder as the bell rang, cue for us that we should be in front of our respective classrooms.

- Let's meet here and have lunch together with Mandy, I'll show you real talent. We get out at 1 !, he added, running in the corridor past students to go to his next class.

Fuck, I really have to tell Mandy.

Having luch together wasn't exactly what I expected. But somehow, it made sense ?

After texting Mandy something along the lines of « Saw Josh while buying paper, he wants to eat lunch with us today ??? », I wondered how he knew our names and then remembered the teacher calling us last time because we were ''disturbing class''. Yeah no wonder Jake doesn't want to hang out with us. My eyes were on the clock the whole time I was in the workshop. Even without having to meet Josh, they were always. The atmosphere was heavy, nobody was allowed to say a word, not even « bless you » when another student sneezed. And it lasted four full hours. Thank God we could eat, drink and listen to music while painting (never understood this teacher's sense of priorities) otherwise I would've fell asleep on my canvas.

By the time I got out of my misery, Mandy was already waiting for me outside, assaulting me with questions. After little deliberation we thought it was best for us to run to our room to change, one of the pros of being in a boarding school. It was noon, and Josh said he'd go out at one, that let us some time to talk and wash away the paint from my arms.

- He said we had to meet them in front of the shop, I called from under the shower.

- What do you mean « them » ?

Turning off the water, I scrubbed my eyes. Yeah, what did he mean « we » ?

- I have no clue, he was in a rush. We should ask his number next time, if he wanna meet again.

- It'll save us three a lot of paper.

Letting out a snort, I got out of the shower, catching a clean shirt Mandy threw at my face for me to wear before going to meet Josh and whoever was with him. Boy oh boy was I not disappointed when I saw Jake's silhouette from the other end of the corridor. Panicking a little and trying to be discrete, I quickly glanced at the door behind me but Mandy caught it and put her hands on my shoulders to keep me from escaping this situation. It was so uncomfortable. The hallway was painfully long, just next to the cafeteria so sometimes someone would go out and slow us down, making things even more embarrassing. They made no move to meet us halfway but Josh interrupted his conversation with his brother to wave at us with a wide movement, shaking his arm in the air, which we replied by the tiniest gesture ever, the one you make at the supermarket when you see someone you really don't want to at the moment. That tiny wave of the hand, exactly.

- Hi ladies, I took the liberty of inviting my brother to the party, as he was feeling lonely without me.

- Not really, Jake interjected.

He greeted us with a smile and a charming nod, wearing actual winter clothes, in comparision to his twin. The dark oversized sweater and grey denim jacket looked good on him, like literally everything else, and I tried not to stare.

- Hi, I'm Jake, he said to cover Josh's pouting and complaints about him lying.

- I know, I half-whispered.

I got so busy staring at his brown eyes that I replied without thinking and now he was standing in front of me with a puzzled expression on his perfect face. Mandy poked me in the ribs, trying to save what was left of the chances of him wanting to have anything to do with us.

- Josh told us about you, she said with a convincing smile. Shall we eat ?

Not very subtle, but nice attempt to change topics.

- Oh yeah, let's go ! I have found the perfect place.

The ever enthusiastic Josh took the lead and we all followed after him as he showed and introduced every corner of the school like a real tour guide, only saying bullshit instead of real historical info, but judging by his interest in Art History class we weren't really shocked. What had us three surprised however was the place we were in when he exclaimed « Voilà ! ».

- It's a staircase, pointed out Jake.

- It's a place full of possibilities, corrected Josh.

Mandy gave me a look like they were both crazy and I could tell by her face she wondered how we got into that mess. Josh sat first and his brother, defeated, did the same, sitting by his side and motionning for us to join them. The patterned floor tile was cold as hell beneath me and I had so many questions I wanted to ask but didn't dare to do so-

- So why are we eating on the stairs ?

For a second I thought I had thought out loud but it was Mandy who broke the silence.

- See ?, Josh said to his brother, Told you eating in the park was best.

Jake shook his head like he couldn't believe it before looking at us.

- This crackhead wanted to have a picnic. It's literally freezing outside.

- So eating inside was your idea ?, I asked to made sure I understood.

With a nod, he took his backpack while speaking, unwraping his lunch from its aluminium foil.

- Yup. Looks like I'm the reasonable one. Didn't know we were gonna eat here though, he added with a little apologetic gaze.

- Well excuse me sir I did my best, Josh chimed in.

We couldn't help laughing a little, as Josh angrily tore the aluminium of his sandwich. What I also couldn't help was stealing glances at Jake who was sitting in front of me, by the window. It turned out the boy was less intimidating that I first had thought. Talking to him was nice, I had the feeling that he really care about what I said, looking me in the eye and nodding, listening intently before replying. He sounded like a quiet, composed, and cultured person, and I found his presence soothing. His low, raspy voice had a serene je ne sais quoi that I couldn't really explain. To top it off, his smile, just like his brother's, was mesmerizing.

- Still, said Mandy with his mouth full after someone made them move to use the stairs, you know we could've eat at the cafeteria, right ?

She teased and Josh started shouting again that he wanted a picnic, which made us all laugh because it was the hundredth time he had to justify his poor life choices.

- Oh yeah, I just remembered !

In a second, he calmed himself and his face lit up with the look of someone who just got a great (or terrible) idea. One thing I learned is that with Josh, it could've been both, we never knew. He fumbled in his bag in search of something, squirming, making a mess, giving his half eaten sandwich to Jake for him to hold and almost knocking him out with his elbow.

- I told you I'll show you real talent, he said with his head in his bag.

Four curious eyes turned to meet my gaze and I shrugged.

- He did ?, Jake wondered.

- Yeah, it made me freak out a little.

A little laugh escaped from his lips, and it was the cutest thing I had ever heard. Not that I'll admit it out loud. Thankfully, Josh interupted my staring contest with his twin and threw a bag of cheese balls our way. The sound it made almost covered the « Oh, not again » complaint from Jake and I quirked an eyebrow. Mandy opened the bag like she was asked to.

- Shoot, I'll catch.

Jake face palmed while Josh was already in position.

- That's the talent you were talking about ?, Mandy asked unsure. I don't know why, I should be surprised, but I'm not.

He was actually pretty good at it, if that was even something to be proud of. I could see her having a good time throwing chips his way and booing the rare times he missed.

- I swear they have after school contests with our brother.

Hearing Jake talking to me made my head jerk off of Josh. Brother ? Mandy caught the same info and paused the ball throwing to look at him.

- Do you guys have another brother ?

I took a sip of water while they were explaining, taking this opportunity to look at the hour just to make sure we won't be late to our next class as we were all in different buildings.

- Oh yeah, Sam, he's studying music too, but we're not in the same grade, said Josh. People often mistake him and Jake for twins even though he's the youngest.

This info almost had me choking on water imagining another Jake but fortunately, they mistook it for outrage that people would think that. By the time the bell rang, we learned that they all were staying in the dorms too, in another building. The twins shared a room together, whereas Sam and Danny, their best friend, shared theirs. We didn't exchange numbers, since Mandy forgot to ask and I was too shy to, but when we parted ways, they both left saying « See you later ».

[physiofirsthorgen]

A Physio’s Step By Step Guide To Kicking Your Own Ass

It’s tough to overstate the importance of positive self-talk. We all go through it. If you think you can do it, you can. And if you think you can’t, you won’t. Our eight-year-old says that.

You can see the impact of owning that kind of positivity everywhere. Positive people enjoy more positive outcomes and lead happier lives. But the best examples are most obvious in sports, where the things you say to yourself before, during and after a workout have a MASSIVE impact on your performance.

That’s all good. There are literally hundreds of thousands of books and feel-good blogs you can follow if you’re into that. But I like practical things. I like tips and “life hacks” that actually move the needle for me. So when I got the chance recently to train with a couple of top ten CrossFit athletes in Zürich at “CrossFit Kreis 9” I had questions.

If you’re into fitness and you’re not familiar with CrossFit then shame on you, but for the sake of brevity here it’s “constantly varied, functional movements executed at high intensity.” Lots of weight lifting, gymnastics, intense group workouts, rarely the same workout twice..

The top athletes compete under extreme load and are arguably the fittest people on the planet. I wanted to know how they managed to train and compete with such intensity. I came away with three HUGE insights that have not only transformed the way I train but the way I want to live my life.

1. The Obstacle Is The Way

Look for where it’s hardest. Where you see resistance and struggle, that’s GREAT. That’s where you know if you really focus effort you’re gonna get massive gain and massive satisfaction. Go there.

The obstacle is the way. When you find an obstacle LOVE IT. It’s what’s gonna differentiate you and your results from everyone else.  

This is why you see some pros are ACTUALLY SMILING when they’re working out. They’re happy because the way forward is obvious to them. All they need to do is execute.

I love that.

2. Never

Ever

Ever

..Ever say you are “wasted” or anything like that during or after a workout. NEVER say it! Do not let your mind go there. This is so important.

Do not say „omg I’m *$# !“ after a workout – or you know what I mean. Whatever you usually joke to the person next to you right afterward. It’s not a joke. Never say it.

NEVER go to your knees and talk about how destroyed you are.

Lots of us do it. It’s cool somehow. But these are trigger words and they’re extremely damaging.

The truth is for 99.9% of us you are nowhere near being brought to your knees after a workout. Unless you’ve hit your head hard or something similar it’s never anything like that. You’re not really that tired. So physically it’s not necessary – it’s much better to walk around getting rid of lactic acid and doing some deep breathing – but mentally this is *MASSIVE*

Because in those moments where your physiology is experiencing a heightened sense of awareness, the language you use and the messages you send to your subconscious have extreme meaning and impact attached to them. Your mind sets them as anchors.

The best thing to do in that moment is actually to tell yourself how awesome you are. Even if you failed a set. Talk about how lucky you are to work out. “Self talk” yourself on how super strong you are. Laugh and anchor the experience as positive and empowering. Again, look at the pros after their events. Sometimes they DO fall down because they really are in trouble but 9 times out of 10 they’re actually laughing. Almost all of that is self talk.

Your mind is paying attention to everything when you’re in that extreme state. If you say „omg I’m so exhausted” even if you’re just joking, your mind will anchor that and associate that negative talk with working out. And that’s gonna hurt you next time you work out.

(Note: it should be obvious but NONE OF THIS is any kind of medical advice. See a physician before training yada yada. If you really are broken after a tough set then by all means go and lay down. We’re talking about performance here)

3. Be Your Own Boss

Ask yourself this: how much does your internal narrative affect your output? What do you think?

That’s widely variant for me, as I would expect for many. But it’s probably close to 90% at times.

Mid-workout or mid-set, when you’re really positive and owning that internal conversation, and you know “you can do it” then you just shut that negative voice down right?

All of your focus is on moving and working and you’re loving it. That other annoying “you“, the one coming up with excuses for stopping, or distracting you with life’s problems and sapping your energy, that voice is nowhere.

Sometimes that negative self talk can stop you even getting to the gym in the first place. Many people don’t even work out at all because of this. Sometimes it’s completely rational „I’ll feel even better if I get xyz done.“ But it has no place inside the gym.

There’s a method you can learn right now though that will shut that voice down forever. I did it, I tested it and the results are profound.

Test one: Stop Thinking Inside The Box

To be crystal clear (again): I do not recommend the following. You really need to be your own person sometimes. This was an experiment. I needed to see if you could get this “mind over body” thing and shut that voice down.

I used to talk to myself like this after a workout: „That’s already good. Important to just keep moving. Think of the long term. Do a better workout tomorrow. Dont want to overdo it.” Sound familiar? I even cheated a lot. “Noone will notice you did 7 instead of 8 reps“ and so on.

Running was the worst. I love to run but I would rarely go all out. Especially sprinting. I would plan 100m and do 80m. Then tell myself that still puts me in a top percentile of most people and way better than doing nothing which is all true. You even hear good trainers say „yeah great man you kept moving that’s the important thing.“

That is all bullshit.

The big takeaway I got from my pro CrossFitter friends was as follows. “The only conversation you should have with yourself when you are training is about moving and working. Technique and effort. Motion and intensity.”

Of course we’re talking about focus here, but focus inherently means different things for all of us. For training we want to shut down other distracting thoughts. Do you want to put more energy and discipline into what you’re thinking, or free up that energy so you can go heavier and love your workout?

To test this thesis I picked a simple exercise that’s physically challenging for me but technically easy so I didn’t have to think much – burpee box jumps. (If you want to try this yourself pick something that’s tough but kind of easy to do, and something you like so you’ll want to go for it. Do NOT try this with a bar!)

Burpee box jumps are exactly that: burpee, then jump up on a 24 inch box, jump back down, repeat. All you need to think is drop. get up. jump. drop. (Here’s how they’re done if you’re curious)

So I started to do these and was determined not to allow any other single thought into my head. If I caught myself drifting (which is natural) I just went back to my chant. “Drop. Get up. Jump. Drop.”

You can even shout this to yourself. Single word orders are extremely powerful and will disrupt almost any thought pattern instantly. That’s why it works so well when you bark at your kids (note: Kids, if you’re reading this, relax. We love you very much. Go read something else)

I’m usually pretty tired after 10 of those burpee box jumps, and I am cooked by 20. I did 52.

Well, technically I did 51 and then I fell onto the box and then hard on the floor. I got quite a bad bruise on my side and hip and it hurt a lot. My legs failed on the 52nd rep and I fell. (I strongly suspect the 50th rep was some kind of mental milestone and I gave up, but who knows.)

My point is it’s EASY to push past your max once you know how. Using single word instructions you can shout at yourself to control that internal conversation during a workout is extremely powerful.

If you’re doing squats then just “drop” – you’ll figure out how to get up again. If you’re doing press then just control the weight down to your chest and then “pop” or “drive.” Like that.

Shouting the words to yourself shuts down all of the other internal talk so you can just focus on moving and working and feeling good.

Test Two. You Don’t HAVE TO Do This. It’s a privelege.

The second test I did was a more controlled one and something you can carry over into life (which is kind of the idea of all this.)

Last week I had a reasonably tough CrossFit workout here in Noosa that was split in two rounds. It was kind of a weird workout with strict pull-ups (lots of them!), double unders (skipping), shoulder press (I think), then more double unders, then more pull-ups.

The rounds were timed with a four minute break in between. Four minutes is sweet. You can bring your heart rate right down in that time. It’s that long. You could probably even get to sleep.

Anyway, I was tired after the first round. I was dripping sweat, everything hurt, my heart rate was maxed out, and I was out of breath. You know the feeling.

So I went outside to try to cool down and I was looking around and there’s palm trees around us and I was breathing deep and just saying to myself omfg you are so fortunate right now. This place is amazing. All the people here are so good to you. Everyone here wants to see you crush this workout. You feel amazing and ALIVE and how lucky are we all to just be ALIVE right now? Now go in there and have some respect. Give everything. Give! Everything! (Note: Pick whatever works for you OK? This is just the way I talk to myself)

I had 4:42 for the first round. I did the second round in 3:18.

That should not be possible. Not even close. I was already warm and I felt good when I started the first round. I’m reasonably fit and I genuinely went for it. When I started the 2nd round I was tired and burned physically. But I didn’t match my time. I smashed my time!

The Most Successful People Don’t Have The Best Of Everything. They Make The Best Of Everything.

Choose your own self talk. But find something empowering. Whatever does that for you. Dumbing your chant down to single word instructions that you shout at yourself shuts down any other voice. (The last thing you need when you are mid set is some intellectual talking to you.) Putting yourself in a positive state of gratitude makes it physiologically impossible to feel weak and tired at the same time.

I’m far from being any kind of top athlete but these were both massive results for me. And I think the lessons here are powerful insights you can carry over into all aspects of your life.

Look for the pain, look for the challenge and LOVE it. Because that’s where you’re gonna grow and that’s where you’re gonna feel most fulfilled. And don’t ever, EVER give up. Don’t allow it to happen.

Nobody can do this for you. You can pay doctors, physios, personal trainers or life coaches all day long to coach you and advise you on what to do. Getting help from experts and modelling behavior of those that have succeeded before you is enormously helpful in achieving your goals. But in that moment where you need to act – it’s all you.

Feel better. Move better. Live better.

www.physiofirst.ch

[wishingfornever]

10/16/17 – No Contact:  The Third Wall

This new chapter is twice the length of the old chapter.  It’s not even finished.  I need to add a beginning to it as well as an end.  The end will be easy, I’ll just use the original chapter for that.  The beginning…  Well, a lot has to happen.

I think I said I hated writing for Atlas but at the same time I love it.  My problem is that he’s Scottish and is subject to a lot of slang.  It’s not as good as it sounds, trust me.  I had Eleanor read through a lot of what I wrote to confirm how Scottish it sounds. It sounded fine by her words.  This chapter is… incredibly action pact.  The battle just unfolded that way.  A lot happened.  I’m glad I didn’t have to read the previous chapter to see what happened.  This way is far better.

One problem is that now I keep trying to hit tab with these entries. Every paragraph gets hit with a tab.  It’s not that great.  I’ll get over it.  But I got SO much done and I need to get SO much done tomorrow.  I’m starting to yawn now.  So, I guess I’m running out of second wind.  It’s almost 1 in the morning.

I slept better than usual.  Of course, it’s currently 6:44.  Best case scenario, I slept 6 hours.  I could live off this, but more than likely I’ll be taking a nap when I get home.  It’s so dark.

When I get back, I’ll definitely take a shower.  Get ready for the day and walk over soon.  I can’t remember my dream but I think it involved Swedes.  So, the chapter weighed heavily on me last night. :3

I’m back.  Adela is exhausting because she’s stressing out.  Then she was projecting her stress onto me.  She had to meet with a coworker earlier than usual today and I guess she doesn’t do mornings well, surprisingly.  I know I wouldn’t.

I’m totally fine, mind you.  I don’t need more sleep, though I might take a nap for later.  More than likely, though, I’ll end up going to bed early today.  Finally, I fixed my sleeping schedule the night I have to actually need it.  ;)

I’ll leave at about 10.  Adela wants me to do something around the house. Just gotta spray the base with an anti-insect blocker or whatever. After that, I’ll start getting ready and will try to head out at 10.  I’ll try to leave EXACTLY at 10 so I know for sure what time I’d have to leave in order to get there.  Or at least the estimated time.  As you can imagine, walking doesn’t get caught up in traffic so even though I have two lights to walk through, it shouldn’t slow me down significantly.  I probably won’t rush, either.  Just a cool, calm walk.  And if I leave at about 10, it should be after the morning rush.  Of course, I haven’t considered Houston being the 4th largest city.  Considering the brand, it should be pretty busy at all times.  I’d be surprised if it weren’t.

My funds are getting pretty low.  Well… not low.  Like, I pay 65 a week for food basically.  260 a month at that rate.  So, to survive a year I need 3120 at least for food.  I could survive on less, I’m sure, but this is how much my current calorie intake is.  Of course, my cousin will charge me more at the end of the month.  That’s how it works.  ;)

Working at Texan minimum wage at full time, I’ll make 290 a week.  For a month, that’d be 1160.  After a full year, that’d be 13,920.  Of course, that’s all BEFORE taxes and assuming I’m constantly getting hours and don’t get overtime (which I’ll never get, because low-paying jobs are asses when it comes to overtime).  At this rate… I could maybe afford a legitimate editor.  Of course, some editors would charge about $4,000 to edit a book of my size (about the size of the first Harry Potter, a bit bigger).

However, there might be a cheaper editor who offers critique as well.  Of course, I SHOULD finish a second book at least before I publish the first.  So, I might not contact her unless I truly need it.  Then again, I’m pretty reckless.  We’ll see, of course as my book has a lot of problems.  I’m going to use your notes as a jumping point. If I do get this editor, I should make sure it’s my near final draft.  Because when I get it back, I’ll have to read through it. It’s imperative that any edits I make after she’s finished are correct and fit the rest.  I won’t get a second chance at that point.

Should be fine though.  My biggest problem is I switch from past to future, I guess.

Oof. Monkey Rag came on.  A lot of things remind me of you here.  That song reminds me of you, too.  My one problem with that song is halfway through, the lyrics end.  Ah, well.  I shouldn’t be getting moppy right now.  I have a lot to do today and not as much time to do it.

Anyways… when I get back, I want to rant about All Lives Matter on Facebook. Most people who claim All Lives Matter tend to be pro-police.  That’s fine, mind you.  To each their own.  However, the ALM thing began as anti-cop.  Weird, I know, but it’ll make sense in that post.  It’s currently 9.  I’ll get started on my chores.

Later.

Current time 10...06.  I missed my mark, but that’s okay.  I’ll use a stopwatch on my phone.  Not a problem.  I’ll have to charge it some, so I’ll leave at 10:30.  So long as I’m there by noon, I should be fine because people tend to get off then for lunch. Starbucks doesn’t strike me as a great place for a meal, but people still need coffee.

Ugh… Tried another banana.  This one smelled weird.  Threw THAT away. Really, HEB?  Really?  I learned spots on a banana doesn’t mean the inside is bad but THESE MUTHAFUCKAS managed to screw that up.  They turn brown from the inside out.  Really?  I found one that was acceptable, cut out the brown, and ate it.  Ah, well.  At least I smell nice.

My hair needs to dry.  And, to keep the curls from curling, I need to comb it as it dries.  Or brush.  I have a brush upstairs and a comb on me.  Humidity leads to chaos.  I’m sure you’re aware of this as your hair is curlier than mine.

Btw, the NationStates thing.  I basically set vacation mode on and turned it off at 12.  Meaning I get my issues at 12 and 6 on the hour everyday.  No longer do I have to check to see where the time is to do my issues.  I can just be aware now.  I wish there were an option to set it to that time automatically, but whatever.  I did it without automatic aid.

Speaking of aid, I did put gel in my hair.  Not sure if it’s helping.  I hope it is.  Judging from my reflection, it seems like it… give it time, though.

Anyways, I checked the nation count in our region.  Yeah, ours.  I know you left it but it’s still ours.  Deal with it.

Not the point.

The point is, I’m the most pacifist nation in the region.  My motto is Spanish for “They won’t pass because fuck them; they’re assholes” and my military is second largest in the region (behind a relatively inactive nation who never speaks or interacts with anyone because I’m fairly sure the guy who runs it has MULTIPLE nations).

Oof. It’s 10:20.  I have ten minutes.  I’m starting to get hit by exhaustion.  I could totally nap right now.  It’d probably do me some good.

Just did the math for taxes.  Seems it wouldn’t matter too much.  I’d lose like 2k in taxes but there is this thing called Tax Returns which are great.  You’ll never see a poor man charged for tax evasion.

Alright, time to go.  Currently have a 30% charge.  Should be fine.  Later.

Back. Took a little under 15 minutes.  I ordered an iced tea (green).  It wasn’t that bad.  I was so parched.  Should have hydrated first. The woman who served me was an older gal but she seemed nice.  No supervisors were there, unfortunately.  And everyone there was a woman.

I don’t think I’ll get the job.

That’s fine.  I’ll wait until Friday and start going out again.  This time, I’ll do it by the books and apply all over at once.  In the mean time, I’ll post that post.

Hrm… my NationStates issue is off by 40 seconds.  Still, that’s really good all things considered.  Within a minute of noon, I’ll have an issue.  So, it’s still at noon.  :D

Current time is 6:15.  We just walked Max.  Adela is depressed.  She says it’s because of what happened with Max at the groomer.  I suspect there is more to it than that.

Let me fill you in.  Max got so anxious and was so stressed, he wouldn’t let the groomers finished.  Max’s body is shaved.  His ears are shaved.  His head?  The back of his head?  Every part of his head except his ears and front of his neck?  Unshaven.  He looks… ridiculous.

That said, I was certain Adela’s work was getting to her but looking into further proved fruitless.  I’ll be doing the dishes tonight. A never ending story… for dishes.  Whatever.  Adela asked me to do them and to be fair, we only have so many pans for eggs.  Guess what I’ve been eating a lot of.

Speaking of which, I haven’t eaten dinner yet.  Not sure if I’ll write more on the chapter.  I’ll just take it easy tonight.  Tomorrow, I have some things to do.  I’ll be sure to finish my chapter, though.

Right now, I’m listening to this dude who supposedly destroyed Eminem. That title was brought about by Republicans, so of course they’d say he was destroyed by this guy.  The page is on Facebook, called “The Red Elephants.”  Bullshit name, whatever.  Their twitter handle is “TheRealRedElephants.”  They sell a shirt for $26 that says, “Fuck Antifa” with brass knuckles on it.  They wouldn’t happen to have a shirt that says, “Fuck Nazis” would they?

Of course not.  They say both sides are to blame yet only attack one side.

I commented on that shirt saying, “Golly gosh, that sure is cool! You guys going to release a shirt that says, ‘Fuck Nazis’ on it? :D”  This is a loaded question.  I’m not sure if I discussed what a loaded question is to you while I was teaching you about politics.

A loaded question is a question where every answer is bad.  They get asked A LOT to make someone look bad.  An example of a loaded question is “Have you stopped beating your wife?”  If you say no because you don’t beat your wife, that’s bad because it implies you still beat your wife.  If you say yes because sarcasm even, that means you beat your wife and they will quote you and not even suggest you were using a sarcastic tone.  If you say, “I’ve never beat my wife” then they’ll brand you as a liar because you had to defend yourself from that bullshit.

My question is loaded because it relies heavily on the context.  If they tell me, “No” then they’ll imply that conservatives are Nazis. If they say “Yes” then I’ll ask why it wasn’t released with the shirt in the first place and turn it into a cluster fuck.

Not that it’ll matter, mind you.  They’ll probably just panic-ban me. Where they panic and then ban me.  In case you didn’t know.

Reminds me of that one Christian Warrior page who banned me because I said Aztecs were cool and they are.  They banned me and said I’m dumb and my parents are probably dumb.  Probably.  I took a screen shot. Like, really… why do they get offended so easily?  I wasn’t even TRYING to offend them.

Oh, mind you.  They were talking about how Columbus Day was getting replaced by indigenous people’s day and how we’d start sacrificing people to the sun.  I pointed out how there were no Aztecs in the United States.  That’s probably the real reason why because I followed that up with Aztecs are cool.

Some people are rude.  I tried calling them out but my friends who actually liked the page didn’t tag them for me.  Scoundrels!

Daniel and I are chatting.  Told him about Starbucks.  You know, I wouldn’t be surprised if you tried getting with him for a night or something. Honestly, I wouldn’t care.  Not that I’d give Daniel permission to sleep with my girlfriend but you’re not my girlfriend and he didn’t try to end my relationship.  Nor did he start spreading rumors and started telling people falsehoods and flat out lying.

If we don’t get together but you and Daniel have a thing going, good for you guys.  He has a great work ethic and a sensitive heart.  Of course, his relationship with Canelo is conflicted… obviously… but I think it’s because of his time with juvy.  Not sure how to spell the slang.

Anyways, the Red Elephants are really into conspiracy theories.  Like… really.  Misleading, misinformation, partial truths.  Yeah, these guys are totally pushing an agenda.  Typical propaganda.  I know because I used to write that shit.  Of course, I was generally more honest.  I tend to focus on building up the people before letting loose political theories.  Turns out, people like to be flattered before they rise up.

Look at Obama.  “Yes we can!”  Because you’re a part of something and YOU can do it!  You can do it with us!  We can do ANYTHING!!!

Mind you, I’m not fond of Obama or Trump.  In a two party system, you’ll find that it’s great for staying unbiased.  Someone says, “If Obama did this, you’d support it!” you’d say, “No, I wouldn’t.”  It deflates their argument real quick and helps for keeping the debate rational or for skipping straight to ad hominem. One problem, however, is that the people you sling mud with tend to switch sides every 4 or 8 years.

I used to shit on Obama with Conservatives.  For different reasons, of course.  I didn’t like how he liked to drone strike children and they didn’t like that he was black and on the other team.  Now I shit on Trump with Liberals.  For different reasons, of course.

I’m reminded that I might be posting this on Tumblr.  One of my least favorite things about Tumblr are the people who claim to be Communist without really knowing what it entails.  Like, to them?  Marxism is a trend.  Kind of disappointing.  I’m sure if this ever goes on Tumblr (which might happen considering it’d be what I’d do in the event of you telling me no) people would just consistently shit on my for everything.  -,-

Ah, well.  I’ll try to get that thought out of my mind.  Brb, food

Had a salad.  Was far better than the one from yesterday.  Used honey mustard and avocado.  Nothing else.  Super simple.  The salad itself was quite simple too.  For some reason, it was fresher than the one from yesterday.  I wonder if they have dates on them.

To be fair, salads can be kind of fattening due to all the added bullshit.  I don’t think yesterdays was fattening.  Maybe a little because of the cottage cheese.  Can’t imagine that’d be healthy. But, of course, it was a shitty salad.  You’d think they’d make a salad out of something that isn’t lettuce.  It’d be healthier. And lettuce just… is boring.

I miss you.  I’m missing you.  I regret what happened between us.  I wish we could just… talk.  Not about us, just talk.  I want to hear your opinion, even if I don’t care for the subject.  You don’t know how this situation has made me feel.  I guess I don’t know how it’s made you feel, either.

Anyways, since I went vegetarian I noticed my poop has been super green.  It’s a good thing.  :D

Yeah, I know.  I can’t get too serious.  Except I was sort of serious. With both.  My poop has been super green.  But still, I’m missing you right now.  I don’t know why.  Just… with Adela and Max, I feel like you could really help out and they’d appreciate it.  I know Max would.  He loved you.

I feel… terrible.  I can’t help but think of you.  Something is going on.  I feel like I’m reliving our entire relationship in a single second every second.  A lot on my mind.

Oh… would you look at that?  They added two stages to the five stages of grief.  Placing a lot of faith in older psychological models tends to lead to failure.  These stages often have their own twists and biases, leading to heavy criticism and debate.  Maybe… all this. All I’ve done was just bargaining.  Assuming the model is true. I’m not sure I’ve accepted everything, but I’ve felt the depression.  I tried moving on.  Perhaps the journal isn’t helping. Perhaps I can’t move on while I’m still writing in this dumb little word document.

It’s helped me though.  It gives me a chance to talk about how I feel, though I think I’ve just been using it for food updates lately.  I can work on expressing my own feelings.  So what if I haven’t accepted the end?  It’s wrong of me to try to force emotions.  I’m not going to fake how I feel just to satisfy you or anyone else. Especially not myself.

I love you, Esther.  I really do.  I sincerely doubt we’ll ever get back together, but I hope we do.

That said… I intend to delete the letter I wrote you.  That was early on.  Before I even began this journal.  That contract?  Delete that two.  Why bother with it?  You’re not coming back and that sucks. Right now, it’s just a waste of memory.  And if you DO come back? Well, I wouldn’t agree to it.

The thing is, I’ve learned to respect myself a bit more.  I’m not going to give you everything just because you say, “I want it” if it’ll hurt our relationship.  So, if we got back together?  The contract would favor me more.  You said it yourself.  The contract I wrote was hard on me.

Who knows?  Maybe you’ll break up with me again when you discover the contract is no longer valid and you won’t get half the things I would have agreed to.  You had your chance to exploit me but you didn’t.  If you manage to overcome your distaste for me and we begin to talk more and somehow decide to give it a second chance but you ask for the contact I’d written a month or two ago and hear no, maybe you’ll be fine with it.  Maybe you’ll be willing to give it a chance despite no guarantees.

Ugh… if this is on Tumblr, I’ll have to explain the contract.  Gross. If I don’t, people will think we had a financial agreement or something.  I’d rather not right now.  If this is on Tumblr and someone who isn’t Esther is reading this, then know that the contract wasn’t good or bad.  It was fun and more an educational tool to get Esther to read the fine print and notice specific wording and shady legal practices.  The contract I wrote was something that’d ensure the integrity of our relationship in the event that we got back together.  It was mostly to show I had yielded and I’d do anything to get her back, regardless of my personal feelings.

I disregarded myself.  It was easy to.  Easier then, at least.  Now?  I may be moody now, but I feel more confident (on average, at least). I’ll overcome this feeling and get back on my feet.

One of Esther’s problems was that I was always on my computer. Admittedly, it wasn’t only when I was miserable.  I was on it a lot and I neglected her.  That’s one of the things I regret, not only because Dennis filled her head with the idea that I HATED her as well as himself and Daniel but because it was wrong of me to do.  Shitty move on my part.

I wasn’t the best boyfriend.  I should have been.  Esther deserves the world.  She’s such a sweet, caring soul.  But now… I know better.

I wanted to prove to her when she moved out that I would change.  I uninstalled ALL my games.  All of them except for Town of Salem.  It was more symbolic than anything else.  I offered to destroy my computer later on if that’d make her happy but that just annoyed her.  At that point, I was very low.  Not as confident.

Now, I wouldn’t make that offer.  If I ever write a book, then I’ll need the computer for writing.  I could potentially make money off through this old laptop.  However, I’d uninstall ALL my games again.  It really doesn’t matter to me.  They’re material goods and bring me only amusement but not happiness.  With the exception of rewriting the naval battle in my book, I haven’t played very many games as of late anyways.  I guess since I stopped talking to Esther and started talking to… future Tumblr, I guess?  Whatever.  Since I started talking to future Tumblr, let me confirm this now.

The Naval Battle in my book is from Napoleon Total War.  It was unscripted, a match between five people with myself being among them. If my book takes off, maybe I’ll show the battle sometime.  But, that’s not very likely.  I know my odds and they’re stacked against me.

Then again, I had a one in 400 trillion chance in being born.  Not sure how accurate that estimate is but if there is any truth to it, then I’ve already finished the hard part.  ;)

Honestly, my chances are pretty good all things considered.  If I need a source, my existence is proof enough.

Back to you, Esther.  You’re beautiful.  I just wish you could see me now.  You’ll see the difference.  You’ll see how I changed and how I’ve rebuilt myself.  I still get the odd fit of depression, but it doesn’t linger.  I don’t hurt anymore.

Anyways, it’s almost 10 and I promised Adela I’d do the dishes.  I love you, Esther.  I hope you’re safe.

Esther!!! I discovered something called a poet’s collar.  It’s longer, pointed collar.  Like a regular shirt collar… but longer.  That’s it.  The keyword is “poet” though.  It’s perfect!  I have some ideas for it and I’m super stoked.  I know just the shirt that’d work with it but it’s in California.

DAMMIT!!!

[chicitym-blog]

I love the NFL

I’ve always loved football. Like, LOVE, love. I was born in July, and by that fall I was posing for photos inside of one of my uncle’s college football helmets. This uncle later became one of the most-winning high school football coaches in the state of Illinois, and I was proud to attend his games, hear stories of his “no nonsense” (probably concussed-inducing) style and rantings about how “only Communists like Florida State” football. I have fond memories of a very Catholic and docile grandma screaming “KILL HIM” at the TV while watching an Illinois defense in the living rooms of my childhood.

I’ve been a Packers fan since high school. I grew up in the middle of Illinois where there was no pro allegiance until the Bears came to work at Memorial Stadium in 2002. When I was in high school, we got the game-of-the-week and I saw Favre develop into a quarterback with a style that I looked forward to each Sunday and again throughout the off-season: fearless, care-free, risk-taking, unapologetic, and brash. My younger brother grew up a Colts fan; my younger cousin became a Bears fan.  

Well before high school, I realized that I couldn’t play football. Learning how to throw spirals in elementary and middle school got me nowhere - just like my dream of becoming the Incredible Hulk was shattered because I was not born with a man’s body. And I mourned those losses. Hard. I knew early on that there was a ceiling that was different for my sex, and I tried to find different entry points. The only space football makes for women is asking them to don a skirt and root from the sidelines. I did what I could to be a part of it and gladly cheered and pommed my way through middle and high school.  

In college I decided that I wanted to work in sports. I started studying communications. Once I said that aloud, people gave me weird looks. Up-and-down looks, trying to figure out if I was hot enough. Once I started interning in Chicago at a sports station, some of those looks were asking if I was willing to put in the hard (usually sexual) work to get there. Some men would become outright enraged at my aspiration to be included in the sports not meant for me. The week before the 1999 playoffs, I was on my couch cheering for more touchdowns from the Pack against the Cardinals when they were already up big. Watching Favre throw for more than 300 yards in a game where they may not make the playoffs for the first time since he arrived was nerve-racking (as a Packer fan, losing is pretty foreign). The man I lived with said something like, “You’re such an idiot, and you actually think you’re smart enough to be on the sidelines. They won the game.” When the color guy explained that the Packers were trying to rack up more points in case they were tied for a playoff spot because the tie-breaker would be based on who in the division scored more points that last regular season game, I don’t remember gloating, but I do remember being up locked in the basement of my own house for hours as punishment for being right. It took me another two seasons to get out of that house. Covering the Bears training camp, I was once courted by a player and he touched my leg. A radio host once bruised my arm because I came to “his” training camp and didn’t sleep in his hotel room. I looked past these incidents in sports.

When Favre took pain medication and admitted that he needed them to get through his day, I was producing for Steve Rosenbloom on the weekends. Rosie asked if as a Packer fan I cared. I opened my producer's mic and said that I wanted him “to win.”  In 2002, when Mark Chmura was accused of sexually assaulting an underage babysitter, I said it didn’t affect me because he was cut by my team. Big Ben didn’t play for the Packers so those rape allegations didn’t impact my life, I reasoned  in ’10. That same year, Favre was, at the least, sexually harassing an NFL reporter while he played in Jersey, but again, he wasn’t on my team. Ray Rice was seen on video dragging his wife off of an elevator after knocking her out with a punch to her face; and the Commissioner of the NFL, Roger Goodell, lied to all of us and said he didn’t see the tape when we all know the NFL sees everything. I reasoned that this was part of the sport I loved and someday these asshats would get it together. Concussions will happen, and they are grown men deciding to play this game.  My justification for continuing to watch is that my own, not-yet-conceived children won’t play football until they are out of my house, but my nephews love to play in organized PeeWee leagues to my chagrin. This month Zeke Elliott, a smiley 22-year-old second-year player from my state who looks fun and unassuming, was suspended for six games for domestic violence accusations. He’s appealing the suspension. Today a black quarterback, a good quarterback, is not leading or waiting to play backup on any NFL team because he knelt during the National Anthem in protest of blacks being being shot by some of our law enforcement officers.  

I have not gone out with friends after Packer losses. I’ve texted thousands of times to fellow Packer fans during games. I’ve seen my Packers decimate the Bears on three separate occasions in three different venues. Last year one of my BFFs and I braved the Chicago -10-degree weather to see our teams face off, but I only lasted a quarter. We’ve hosted playoff games in our house where I was mortified seeing the Seahawks come back and beat the team I love. I’ve happily cheered for Aaron and his magical arm, Clay and his amazingly timed tackles, Jordy’s Mighty Mouse catches. Football has been my fall/winter self-care. It’s an escape I’ve used to get away from abusive men, and it’s been a way I’ve maintained ties to one side of a family that has abandoned my brother and me. It has been a release. I can hide in my TV on a Sunday and watch. I share this game with my husband, my friends, my brother, my cousins. I have won fantasy leagues. I have made friends with people over Twitter because of gridiron Sundays. In June I bought a friend’s baby a trio of Saints onesies. Football means so much that when I discovered a live-in boyfriend was lying about his third chance at honesty on a Saturday night, that next morning I stepped over him to watch the noon start before gathering my things and leaving that relationship for good.

I love this game. But I can’t support this game until the white players on the team I root for stand up and give unequivocal support for Colin Kaepernick and denounce the racism in “our America.” I mean HEAR HEAR to Martellus Bennett and HaHa Clinton-Dix for their bravery (don’t fucking @ me with your “bravery is only for our Vets” bullshit; we’re in a war with racist and not-yet-apparent racist assholes right now). I need Aaron, Clay, and Jordy to open their mouths and denounce what is happening in this country and to their fellow union brothers. Our white and non-white children look up to these guys, and I want the organizations I support to have decent, humane values. This isn’t an issue about one dude; and once we let the owners, the fans, and the players make it about Kap, the righteous side loses. The Players Association needs to also step up. Unions are womens, civil, workers, LGBTQIA, disability and immigrant rights organizations.  As a woman, I know that being in a union makes my pay fair. This struggle is about how we treat groups of people and what that says about us. The argument that sports aren’t political is an outright lie. We hear a song touting the U.S. at the beginning of each sporting event. The NFL lobby to receive and fought to keep tax exempt status for more than 60 years. The League and individual teams pick causes all the time, such as the American Cancer Society, which is politicking. Our owners threaten our states and city councils to move teams unless tax dollars go to build new. shinier stadiums. Sports are our lives; and if your life isn’t political, then you have a certain level of privilege—a privilege that others do not possess.  

A few years ago I told myself that I wouldn’t buy any more NFL gear for myself. I haven't been able to click “buy” on that Kap jersey I hate the League so much. Last year, I vowed to only watch games in which my team was playing. Now I’m ready to break up with this shitty BF who doesn’t give me anything unless I give them money and my unquestioning devotion. I’ve cried over thinking about leaving football. I’m crying now. Full disclosure: My husband is employed in a job where he has to watch sports. But I am willing to not watch any NFL game or footfall shows, not buy any NFL stuff, and take the Packers and the Bears off of my Google calendar until the Green Bay Packers and its white players make a statement about the injustice Kap is facing and that they agree with his stance that our country needs to address the violent treatment of our citizens of color. I get I’m only one person. My career now is as a school social worker on the West Side of Chicago, and I know that each and every day I am in the classroom those students and I change the world. Each of us has that power. We can be ripples in this ocean to end racism. This fall I will refuse to watch the game I love and tweet instead what I am doing in lieu of my Packers with the #BoycottTheNFL #ImWithKap. Maybe I'll bake.

[racingtoaredlight]

The degenerate’s guide to 2017 college football TV watch ‘em ups: week 3

I’ve heard all of the complaints about this week’s games but you can all go to hell. One great game is all it takes to have a great week.

But there will be others! Just have faith, some of these off brand games are gonna be a hell of a lot of fun. Trust yourself to the degeneracy. Going outside and/or talking to people is a lost cause that will bring you nothing but pain and confusion. The scorch is alive with the sounds of gambling!

We don’t have enough site visitors for you to not know the deal already. All times are listed in EST because that’s how they come from FBSchedules. Following my gambling advice is likely to make your life exponentially worse. Drink more. If you’re reading this you need a drink. And some drugs. 

If you ask what time or what channel a game is on in the comments you deserve to be banned. Absolutely brilliant header image pilfered here.

If you need something besides football to fill your time, go back and watch this classic episode of Geraldo featuring the guy Macauley Culkin played in Party Monster as well as a young RuPaul.

Saturday, Sept. 16, 2017

Matchup                                                                  Time (ET)                       TV

Air Force at (7) Michigan                                        Noon                          BTN

I’ve been joking all week that Air Force is gonna spring the upset here. I don’t believe that at all but I would totally take them to cover +27 if you can still get that anywhere. +23 is getting a little dicey, though.

Delaware State at West Virginia                             Noon           ROOT SPORTS

I’m not opposed to horrific beatdowns as entertainment. If WFV is up by 40 in the first half I might switch to this.

Iowa State at Akron                                                 Noon                    CBSSN

Pretty sure I’ve met my quota of Iowa State football this year and my MAC quota is however much Miami plays a MAC team.

Kansas at Ohio                                                         Noon                     ESPNU

Ohio is a bottom 10 team in the country but are they “lose to Kansas” bad? Only one way to find out: by reading the box score after the game is over.

NIU at Nebraska                                                       Noon                      FS1

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. Bear with me here, we haven’t gotten through the noon games yet.

(9) Oklahoma State at Pittsburgh                            Noon                    ESPN 

Here, here, look! A top 10 team can lose a big upset to an unranked team that isn’t even any good. That isn’t something that interests you? No? Really? OK, well we aren’t friends in real life.

(25) UCLA at Memphis                                              Noon                      ABC 

Memphis might be better as a team than UCLA. Not more talented, mind you, because UCLA is actually very talented. But better as a team because they aren’t coached by Jim Mora Jr. He’s the worst. Memphis is thoroughly OK and it’s not inconceivable to me that Riley Ferguson ends up as a better pro than Josh Rosen.

UConn at Virginia                                                      Noon                    ESPN2 

This is a fucking abomination. Pray for the poor pro scouts stuck watching this bullshit because of the 7 or so NFL prospects involved.

UL Lafayette at Texas A&M                                      Noon                    SECN 

I don’t hate Kevin Sumlin but this job might kill him. I want him back in the AAC tier of coaching jobs. He coached some fun teams at Houston, I hope he’s saved up enough that a move back to that level won’t cause him any real pain.

Furman at NC State                                                  12:20 pm                ACCN 

Holy fuck. Don’t watch this.

Baylor at Duke                                                           12:30 pm                   RSN

I don’t know how to choose sides between the athletics department that is basically the embodiment of the evil that men can do in the name of protecting the runaway cash cow that “amateur athletics” can become on one side and Baylor on the other.

Coastal Carolina at UAB                                            1:00 pm     Raycom (local)

I think Raycom is the name of one of the lead characters in the Left Behind books. And now he’s out here broadcasting nearly football games for his friends and family.

Northern Colorado at Colorado                                2:00 pm              Pac-12N 

I’ve come to realize that the Pac-12 added Colorado just for schedule coverage on Saturdays. It worked out really well last year when they had four NFL defensive backs but I’m not recommending that you watch Rocky Mountain Iowa for fun. 

Tennessee Tech at Ball State                                     3:00 pm               ESPN3 

It’s awesome that some games don’t get to play on TV at all and this one is on some version of ESPN.

Utah State at Wake Forest                                        3:00 pm   ��    ACCNExtra 

Hell, there’s only got to be one half decent game on at a time. This isn’t one of those but I mean to say stick with it and don’t leave me alone here watching all day college football by myself and talking to my walls.

Central Michigan at Syracuse                                   3:30 pm        ACCNExtra

When Syracuse fucked up the Big East they should have joined the MAC. Dino Babers is a perfect MAC coach.

FIU at Indiana                                    —Canceled

No word yet if this game was cancelled due to infrastructure issues or a general lack of interest.

Morgan State at Rutgers                                           3:30 pm               BTN 

This is very grim. Is Rutgers able to lose to Morgan State? I don’t know. Probably. 

Middle Tennessee at Minnesota                               3:30 pm              BTN 

Here we go, Richie James versus the Row the Boat guy. This could have some fun highlights. Has PJ Fleck actually gotten anything going at Minnesota or is still way too early? I’m honestly asking.

North Carolina at Old Dominion                               3:30 pm          Stadium

Reminder: Stadium is an app. You have to download it to watch. It’s free which is still way too much to pay to watch this game.

North Texas at Iowa                                                  3:30 pm              ESPN2 

I might honestly hate football by the time the Lamar Jackson game starts.

Notre Dame at Boston College                                3:30 pm               ESPN 

Notre Dame will be playing for revenge after Boston College tricked them into hiring Brian Kelly. I’ll keep an eye on the score but the expected entertainment value in watching this game is negative.

SMU at (20) TCU                                                        3:30 pm             ESPNU 

I’m not going to go so far as to say I’m intrigued by this game but I’m maybe pre-intrigued. Like Courtland Sutton is huge and could go off at any time but there’s a realistic chance that TCU wins by 60, also.

(23) Tennessee at (24) Florida                                   3:30 pm               CBS

It’s been 20 years since that stretch where this rivalry was contending for best game each year. Now, UF has an offensive guru head coach who is leading them to a third straight season of worse than top 100 offense and Tennessee has a head coach who’s actually even more inexplicably still employed. Feel the excitement!

(16) Virginia Tech at East Carolina                            3:30 pm            CBSSN 

Justin Fuente was a really great hire by Virginia Tech. It seems to have re-energized Bud Foster, the offense looks good. I absolutely fucking hate it.

(10) Wisconsin at BYU                                               3:30 pm                 ABC 

BYU used to have all kinds of big name opponents every year, back in the days before Don Juan Alvarez turned Wisconsin into a really good program. I like the idea of this matchup, in large part because it’s being played in Utah. BYU isn’t great right now but this is a tough spot to win on the road. If Wisconsin does blow the doors off BYU, I hope it’s behind a bunch of carries from Jonathan Taylor. I’m mulling over having him on the RTARLsman list next week.

Mercer at (15) Auburn                                              4:00 pm             SECN Alt. 

This is a very SEC kind of game. Good job scheduling this as the follow up to being mauled by Clemson. I’m not even being snarky, this is perfect. Not even the least bit watchable but should be great for the team.

Purdue at Missouri                                                   4:00 pm                  SECN

Missouri is favored by 7 and I kind of feel like that’s a mistake. Jeff Brohm is a low key contender for best coaching hire of 2017.

Army at (8) Ohio State                                              4:30 pm                 FOX 

The last time I felt this unsure about Ohio State Spencer started railing about Tom Herman being the best OC in the country, the Buckeyes went on a 13-game winning streak and won a national title. Now Spencer hates sports, Tom Herman is a shitty head coach in Texas and if Ohio State’s offense continues the way it’s gone so far this year then Urban Meyer will be forced by god to spend some time with his family. Go Army.

Oregon State at (21) Washington State                   5:30 pm               Pac-12N 

This is probably not going to make any sense to anybody that didn’t watch the game but Washington State actually looked kind of shitty even while they were coming back from a 21-point deficit last week. Luke Falk got hurt but I didn’t follow up to see the severity of it. I mean all this to say this is a game only a gambler can love.

Colgate at Buffalo                                                      6:00 pm               ESPN3

Can the bison avoid having their teeth cleaned?

North Carolina A&T at Charlotte                               6:00 pm  WCCB/CUSA.TV

I’ll say this for UNC, Larry Fedora does put together an interesting game plan. I’m not really sold on any of their talent this year but I’m still not sold on Mitch Trubisky, either, and that turned out pretty well for them.

Tulane at (2) Oklahoma                                              6:00 pm           FSOK PPV 

Somebody who fucks mud, please explain why this is only on PPV? Is that a mistake on the schedule or Oklahoma really trying to become the flyover version of Hawaii? For what it’s worth my impression of Oklahoma bashing Ohio State last week is that every single reaction to that game was outsized. Oklahoma is not the 2nd best team in the country.

Bethune-Cookman at Florida Atlantic                     6:30 pm       beIN SPORTS

Go Wildcats.

Kent State at Marshall                                               6:30 pm            CUSA.TV

The bad part is almost over.

Alabama A&M at South Alabama                              7:00 pm              ESPN3 

USA has been a disappointment so far but there isn’t even a line for this game so what the hell does information even do for you here?

Appalachian State at Texas State                             7:00 pm              ESPN3

When you look at every game all lined up one by one like this it seems like the bad stretches on for miles in every direction but the truth is you don’t even have to think about these games at 7pm because there’s other better stuff on.

Colorado State at (1) Alabama                                  7:00 pm             ESPN2 

Colorado State isn’t a complete patsy but they’re enough of a patsy that a 28.5 point line is enticing. The under seems close to safe if you get it at 54.

Idaho at Western Michigan                                        7:00 pm            ESPN3 

Idaho’s farewell to 1-A tour continues its journey through the worst places in college football. There’s not much good that can come of this one.

Idaho State at Nevada                                                7:00 pm         ATTSNRM 

Nobody gives a shit about this game but as a mascot fight it’s a classic. A Bengal tiger versus a pack of wolves? You assume the wolves would outflank the tiger but a really huge tiger is capable of making a lot of death happen.

Louisiana Tech at WKU                                               7:00 pm           Stadium

This was a pretty cool talent showcase the last few years (even though WKU was actually boring to watch under Jeff Brohm) but I don’t know about it this year. 

(12) LSU at Mississippi State                                     7:00 pm                ESPN

Arden Key vs. Nick Fitzgerald is interesting on both sides. Key’s build and jersey call to mind nightmares of Barkevious Mingo but you’ve got to keep trying for it with athletic talent. Fitzgerald is pretty athletic in his own right. On the other side this should be a pretty good chance for Derrius Guice to get his stats to start looking impressive.

Oregon at Wyoming                                                    7:00 pm              CBSSN 

I’ve got a sadistic interest in this game. Oregon may not be good on defense but they are really fast and that should be enough to make Josh Allen look ridiculous again. 

Southern at UTSA                                                 7:00 pm  KCWX-TV/CUSA.TV

It took a little longer than I’d hoped but it looks like UTSA has reached the pinnacle of mediocrity that Larry Coker dreamed of when he started the program.

Southern Miss at ULM                                              7:00 pm                ESPN3 

I won’t see a second of it but this is the kind of unloved game that keeps me invested in football. I don’t know if there’s any single player in this one that I want to see but it’s so indie.

Tulsa at Toledo                                                           7:00 pm               ESPN3

I can’t explain what it is that make me love Southern Miss-ULM and hate this one but I hate this one.

UAPB at Ar(18) Kansas State                                    7:00 pm             ESPN3

Haha - I’m leaving this typo because it’s amazing. FBSchedules inserted the 18 into Arkansas State’s name and made this much weirder and worse than it actually is.

Bowling Green at Northwestern                               7:30 pm                 BTN 

Thank god there’s no reason to be stuck watching this.

Georgia State at (5) Penn State                                 7:30 pm                BTN 

James Franklin is horrible and wants everything to be terrible and that’s why he doesn’t let Saquon Barkley touch the ball more than 10 times per game.

Georgia Tech at UCF                            —Canceled

I’m going to look around one day and I won’t even be an oddity for loving the triple option the way I do and then it will lose its magic.

(18) Kansas State at Vanderbilt                                 7:30 pm              ESPNU 

This is somehow boring and exciting at the same time. I think Vanderbilt is actually the better team but maybe I’m overselling them in my mind now to make up for how little I thought of them before the year?

Kentucky at South Carolina                                       7:30 pm                SECN 

I’m not getting sucked into this garbage pile.

Samford at (13) Georgia                                              7:30 pm          SECN Alt. 

This is a practice game. You don’t need to watch this even if you love UGA.

Arizona State at Texas Tech                                        8:00 pm                 FSN 

I guess Arizona State fans are going berserk on social media calling the players names, asking for the coaches to be fired. They’re taking that into a Big XII game which could be just what the doctor ordered! If the doctor wants Arizona State to keep getting shitty @s from their fans. That’s a very cruel doctor but not the worst that I’ve ever heard of.

Cincinnati at Miami, OH                                               8:00 pm  FOX 19/ESPN3

This game is so bad that it’s actually a question whether it’s better or worse than an NFL game between Cincinnati and Miami.

(3) Clemson at (14) Louisville                                       8:00 pm                 ABC 

Woo! This is all that matters. If Lamar Jackson is as good in real life as he is in my mind this will be the game of the year. Somewhere in the early stages of the second quarter, the Canelo-GGG undercard will start. Hopefully that main event starts just as this main event ends. I don’t want any overlap.

(17) Miami, FL at (11) Florida State              —PPD to 10/07

In purely football terms this seems like a best case scenario for both teams to postpone the game. Miami looked rough around the edges in their first game and FSU lost their starting QB in their first game. 

Rice at Houston                                                            8:00 pm              ESPN3

Everything starting at 8pm is counter-programming but this is Ed Oliver’s show. Which is worth checking in for even against Rice.

Troy at New Mexico State                                            8:00 pm             ESPN3 

This is a conference game. That’s all I have to say about this one.

Texas at (4) USC                                                            8:30 pm                FOX 

Hilariously, on a player for player basis, Texas is about even with USC. In theory! Realistically none of those players play well with each other and there doesn’t even seem to be an actual gameplan just yet. So the question is whether or not USC can cover a pretty huge spread. I feel like no? For some reason.

Fresno State at (6) Washington                                    9:30 pm          Pac-12N

I’m really looking forward to people nationwide discovering that UDub is still undefeated when they play USC.

San Jose State at Utah                                                 10:00 pm           ESPN2

Late night football is supposed to be weird and this is where things start to devolve into pure late night degeneracy.

University of Mississippi, Oxford at California           10:30 pm            ESPN 

Duhhhhhhhh, thesche schnowfthlakes in Berkeley can’t handle conthervatiff idealsch. I want to just enjoy the oddball cross-country Power 5 matchup but now I’m just stuck here thinking of the shitty Berkeley Bears as football antifa and I have to root for them. That’s a me problem, to be sure, but I can really only ever root against Mississippi anyway. Still, fuck Ben Shapiro, fuck small government, fuck the concept of “entitlements” and fuck white supremacy bullshit dressed up in the language of intellectual curiosity or purity. Woohoo, go footballs.

(19) Stanford at San Diego State                                 10:30 pm          CBSSN 

Rashaad Penny is bulked up more than Ronald Jones II, who ran over Stanford last week, but SDSU doesn’t have anything close to the OL talent that USC does. This is going could still be on at midnight on the West Coast, hopefully it will stay competitive that long. Or SDSU can rip Stanford, I’d be good with that, too.

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