#No fucking answers so maybe im mourning myself for nothing

[ciderjacks]

sometimes I get worried that whatever is wrong with me will kill me and the thing is it’s not an unfounded concern and that’s what really scares me

[eldhuug]

if I stopped making art, nothing would change

Maybe I would find other ways to fill my time, maybe I'd do something more productive, or I'd find a new passion that made me proud of myself in a way making art isn't managing

I often ask myself, why do you draw? And the answer is because I want to, I feel compelled to try to make something, I have an idea I need to express

Im also very aware my skill level, technical abilities and consistency in production is nothing special. And no, it doesn't have to be good for art to matter, art can be impactful and significant in many, many ways that all feel beyond my capabilities

There are artists I dearly loved who stopped making art, and I dont know why they made that decision. Maybe it got made for them, or they moved on and my life was changed by it as I mourn their absence and wish them well when i revisit their work

If I stopped making art, maybe I could leave the deep rooted pain behind, the inadequacy and the scolding for drawing the wrong type of card for my hospitalized grandmother. Maybe I would move on from the humiliation of sharing work I made to no response . Maybe I'd be free from the stress and sadness that I don't make anything worth gifting yo someone else

I drew my first birthday card for a family member last year, after sitting in the silent rejection by my mother for years. I made it for my sister in law, who printed it out and hung it on her office spot. When she showed me I felt nauseous with anxiety and confusion, and I still can't understand her response

I still feel a mix of anxiety and nausea about sharing my work, and drawing anything for my friends still feel like I'm somehow insulting them by being so fucking shit at it

Im not going to stop drawing, and I don't know how to tackle the complex and evaluating vortex of my complete lack of confidence in myself. But I'm going to try, because I think the world is best when people make their art and share it and that includes even me

[analogwriting]

Childhood Crush

Chapter 15: Bronze

Killer x gn!reader word count: 3.5k a/n: this part ended up being almost 7k words so i split it into two, so y'all getting a twofer (two for one - 241 - all that jazz) also relentlessly puts asking alexandria lyrics in it bc im still in mourning next

There wasn’t exactly a plan on dealing with Kese perse, but everyone agreed to let you take care of it for the most part. Everyone was going to act normal until you made your move. Follow your plays and whatnot. Though, Eustass just wanted to kill the fucker. He was beyond pissed - which was understandable. You’d also be so astronomically livid if someone lied to you about your brother dying only to find out he was alive the whole time. Even Killer seemed to be on the bandwagon for kill first, ask questions later for a little while. 

But, you wanted to get answers first. Maybe it was just morbid curiosity. Maybe it was because you wanted to take his life with your own hands. Or maybe it was just you wanted to put absolute fear into his being. You wanted to see him beg for his life. 

Shit, you didn’t know what you wanted. And there was no telling how you’d really react when you saw him either. You couldn’t help but feel a growing anxiety. Everything he said back then was hitting you right now. While you didn’t exactly believe them anymore, you remembered the pure devastation you had felt when he had said them. You couldn’t help but chuckle at the memory. 

“What’s so funny?” You were pulled out of your thoughts as Eustass spoke. You were still stitching him up as his injuries were a bit more on the serious side. It was just the two of you as the others gathered and prepared themselves for heading back to the ship. “Just thinking about what Kese said before I left.”

He stopped, looking at you. “Wait, he said something to you? What?”

Right. You never told him all that. You sighed, running a hand through your hair. “I feel dumb for falling for it now, but yeah. He said some shit that fucked up my psyche there for a while.”

“Is that why you had started to pull away from us? And you left?”

You were quiet, but your silence spoke volumes. You felt anger radiate from Eustass even more. “That mother fu-”

“Tungsten. I’m going to take care of it. Like I said, I need information and also this is the best way for me to get closure.” He looked at you for a long moment before groaning. “Ugh. Fine.”

“Thank you.” 

“What did he even say?” You were quiet for a moment, not wanting to admit it. It felt silly now. You know that your brother and crewmates would’ve never said the awful things he had referenced, but you were at such a low point that you would’ve believed anything.

“Bigs?” You looked up at him and sighed. Just as he couldn’t say no to you - you couldn’t say no to him. As you dabbed one of the cuts on his arm - his only arm, which you still couldn’t believe - you explained what happened that night. He was quiet, but you could feel him seething.

“You know none of it is true, right?” He waited until you were done before he had spoken, which wow. That’s growth. Him waiting to speak? Who taught him that? He was the king of interrupting people. You felt a moment of pride, but the somber mood was too heavy for you to really revel in it.

With a long sigh, you nodded. “I do now. It was stupid of me to believe him, I know. But…” Your face fell and he shook his head. “You were in a dark place, I know.”

“Let us not forget that I’m the one that forced you to go along with me,” he said with a smug smile. You mirrored his expression and laughed. “Not completely. I did end up deciding myself. You made yourself quite the compelling case.” 

“Only because Killer put the cherry on top.” He paused. “And because he was the cherry on top,” he mumbled, but you didn’t quite make it out. “Huh?”

“Nothing.”

“You-”

The both of you laughed before falling into a somber silence. “You did more than anyone on the ship when it boiled down to it,” he said. You looked at him for a moment. “Tungsten, you don’t have to lie to make me fee-”

“It’s not a lie though. You did so fucking much for us. You made all of us stronger and our lives easier. You strengthened Dive’s teeth, gave Heat the ability to fucking breathe fire, taught both Heat and Wire how to smith, made various different kinds of machines n’ shit to help make ship life even easier, not to me-”

“Okay, okay. I get it.”

“I’m so serious, Bigs. And that’s not just the ship. The four of us definitely wouldn’t have lived without you growing up. I’m serious.” You looked at him, your eyes slightly widening as the playful mood was turning more sincere by the second and you felt your cheeks heat up. You didn’t know where all this sentiment was coming from and you didn’t know how to handle it.

“You’re a ray of fucking sunshine on our goddamn ship and I’ll be damned if I let someone take that away again,” he grumbled, looking away from you. “Everyone was super upset when you left - so don’t do that shit again.” You felt so many different waves of emotion right now. Eustass was never one to convey his actual feelings. You weren’t either. The both of you had your own way of expressing your love for each other, just as all siblings did.

But, hearing it was a lot different and you didn’t know how to react. You felt your brain doing a hard reboot.

“I didn’t…” No words were coming from you. 

“Don’t get sappy, you know I hate that shit.” He didn’t look at you, keeping his head turned from you, clearly embarrassed from his own outburst. You couldn’t help but let out a small smile, moving on and finishing up dressing his wounds.

“Didn’t stop you though, huh?”

“What did you say?” He turned his eyes towards you, narrowing his eyes.

“You heard me, Tungsten. I think you’re the sappy one of the two of us.”

“Fuck you.”

“Fuck you.” The two of you glared at each other for a moment before bursting into laughter. You really missed Eustass. Well, of course you did - he was your brother.

You finished up, standing and dusting yourself off, Eustass following suit. “Alright, everyone! Let’s head out!”

--

Once more, you felt anxiety creeping back in. You weren’t sure how you wanted to handle the situation. You weren’t good with emotions. You weren’t good at verbally conveying them. Hell, at this point, your own anger probably would take over and you’d kill Kese for all you knew. But, you knew you needed answers first. You’d just have to remember that.

You were somewhat falling behind the group, thinking. A million scenarios ran through your head, but none of them seemed to be the way you wanted to go. The way you needed it to go. Though, what way did it even need to go? You weren’t sure. Ugh, thinking about it was hurting your head.

Finally, the ship came into view and honestly you couldn’t have been happier. This place had become your home. It felt more like home than your dingy home back on the island ever did. And now you were back, just as you needed to be. Everything felt right again.

“Ready?” You looked over, seeing that Killer had joined you. You sighed, shaking your head. “No, but I don’t have a choice, do I?” That laugh rang through, making you jump slightly. It was mostly just startling at this point because it was so loud and sudden. You smiled at him, trying not to show that it had startled you. You already knew he was sensitive about it, you didn’t want to add to it.

“I just don’t even know what I want to do. Or how I’ll react.”

“I mean, the captain and I can just take him out.”

“Okay, but that wouldn’t solve anything.”

“One less bastard to hurt you in the world - I’d say it’s worth it.” You paused for a moment. Did he just say to hurt ‘you’. Surely it was just a slip of the tongue, right? Yeah. He probably just meant in general. Just as there was a royal ‘we’, perhaps it was a royal ‘you.’

Before you could say anything, however, a voice rang through the night.

“You guys are back! How did it - oh shit.” You looked up, seeing the very bastard that brought so much pain and misery to your life without even trying. Fuck, you felt so stupid for letting him get to you in the way that he did. He was staring at you with wide eyes, obviously surprised to see you. You saw the fear plastered all over his face.

Something in the back of your brain snapped. “‘Oh shit’ is right motherfucker.” In moments you were on the ship and he was running, obviously trying to escape your wrath. You threw your dagger, catching him in the shoulder and sending him to the ground. 

You were standing over him, seething. “What the fuck is your issue with me? What the fuck did I do to you?” 

He was groaning and rolling around, clutching his shoulder. “Oh shove a pipe in it and answer me.” All it took was a dagger to the shoulder to take him down? You expected more from someone in your brother’s crew. Especially with the way he had been acting before - all high and mighty.

“Y/n, you’re not dead!” He looked at you, feigning surprise. “This is wonderful, but can I ask why you’re coming straight after me? What did I do?” He looked over as your brother was boarding the ship. “Captain! I think they’ve lost it!”

Eustass was on the ship now, folding his arms as he watched the scene before him. “You brought this upon yourself. And if I were you, I’d answer their fucking questions.” He shrugged, an amused, shiteating grin on his face. “It’s in your best interest.” He sat on a crate, giving himself a front row seat to whatever the fuck was about to unfold.

“You’re only still alive right now because of their mercy,” Killer chimed in, standing next to your brother.

You looked from them back down to Kese, who was looking up at you with wide eyes. “I-I swear I didn’t know you were alive!” 

You knelt down, ripping your dagger out of his shoulder and he cried out. “You and I both know that’s a load of horseshit.” You slammed the dagger into the wood next to his head. “Now fucking answer me,” you spat. 

“Please! I just wanted to be a part of the Kid Pirates and Myra-”

Your heart almost stopped. Why the hell was he mentioning her? Did he do something to her? Was she okay? Was Lily okay? “What?” You ripped the dagger out of the deck and pressed it to his throat. “What the fuck does Myra have to do with this? What did you do to her?” You were drawing blood at this point and he was terrified. His voice was shaking and he was blubbering like a baby. Man, you felt like a fucking fool for ever having feared him.

“I-I didn’t do anything! I was just doing what she told me to do! I wanted to be a pirate on this ship and she wanted you!” 

You stopped. What? What the hell was he talking about? Wanted you? What the hell did he mean by that? Every answer he gave was raising another in its place. You looked at your brother who shook his head. “Do you have that letter?” you asked. He nodded, pulling it out of his person. “You fucking keep it on you?” He didn’t answer you, just handed it to you. “Shut it,” he grumbled.

You couldn’t even begin to imagine how Eustass had really been fairing this whole time, but it wasn’t well. You could tell that much. You could only imagine how you would react if someone told you your little brother died. Shit, he was the only reason you kept going when the both of you were younger. Just as he said he and his friends wouldn’t have been here without you, you wouldn’t have been here without him.

You opened it up, reading it over. You blinked as the words sank in. You looked at the picture that accompanied it. You knew this picture. You had been on a ladder to get some paints and on your way climbing down, you spilled all the paints and fell in the process. The photo was black and white, so you wouldn’t even be able to tell the colors of the paint. And you had been dazed at the time of the picture.

You remember moments after this picture, you sat up laughing. The whole lab was. But, with the way she had taken the picture along with the lack of color, it really did look like some kind of lab accident. You really did look dead. It was real uncanny valley.

Was Myra behind all of this? 

“Bigs?”

You looked at your brother. “I know this picture. I had a stumble with some paints. That’s all it is. Paint.” You looked back down at it, paling. Was it all just a cover up? Why did she want your brother to think you were dead? Did it have to do with Kese saying she wanted you?

You knelt back down, glaring at Kese who yelped and backed away from you as he still clutched his shoulder. “Fucking spill, you incompetent son of a bitch.” You pointed the knife at his throat.

He stared at you with wide eyes. “She’ll kill me!”

“Keeping your tongue tight? I’ll kill you first if you don’t.” You pressed the knife into his throat, once again drawing blood. He yelped, sobbing. Fuck, he was pathetic. “O-Okay! Okay…” 

“I-I’m from the island. The one where Myra’s from. I was one of her students and I always dreamt of bein-”

“Fucking-” You slammed the knife, the one Myra had specifically given to you, into his leg. He screamed, clutching it and sobbing. “You fucking stabbed me!” You glared at him.

 “Cut your losses, you’re on thin ice, tread light,” you ground out. “I don’t fucking care about all that, get to the fucking important parts - you’re testing my fucking patience,” you spat, glaring at him, making him squeak. Fuck. Was he always like this? Why did Eustass keep him around?

Kese, despite his current wound that you’d given him, took a deep breath and started once more. “The c-captain was gaining notoriety and honestly, so were you. But, in the scientific community. Since you always visited the labs and tended to help out there, talk of you spread.” You blinked. You didn’t realize that you had your own reputation. Eustass and Killer were the ones with the large bounty - you didn’t even have one. At least, not at that time. You weren’t doing any fighting. You were just…researching and building. Doing what you did best. 

“Myra wanted you to join her research team. Said she could use a sharp mind like yours. She also knew how I wanted to join the captain’s crew. So, she sent me to drive a wedge between you and the captain.” You felt like you were going to be sick. Your body went rigid with the pure, unbridled rage you were feeling. Myra seemed like she genuinely cared about you the entire time you were on the island. You couldn’t imagine her going through such lengths.

Fuck, you felt like a fool.

“I don’t fucking understand…then why would she send me here?”

Kese shook his head. “I-I don’t know.” You shot him a glare and he started crying all over again. “I swear, I don’t! She was supposed to just keep you at the island! I had no idea she was sending you here!” 

This must’ve been what she meant by she had people here. Kese had been a mole this entire time and you were none the wiser. You played right into her hands. She had gotten exactly what she wanted. You stood up, swaying a bit from the headache you were developing. You didn’t know what to think about everything.

The woman you had just spent two years with…essentially playing house with as well. It was all a lie. Was Lily in on it too? No, that was impossible. She was too young to understand things like this, right? 

You felt a hand to your back and you stiffened for a moment before you calmed. “Are you okay?” you heard Killer’s voice, but it sounded…so far away, despite him standing so close.

You looked at him for a moment before looking back down at Kese. You didn’t know. You didn’t know how you felt about any of this. Why the sudden change of heart in sending you straight to your brother? Did she feel guilty? You stared at the dagger next to Kese’s head, staring at the logo of the lab etched into it.

Numbness washed over you and you didn’t feel like you were in your body anymore. You couldn’t stand this, it was never meant to end up being this hard to process. “Do whatever the fuck you want to him. I’m over it.” Your voice was hollow, strained. You just wanted to go to bed at this point. You were…so tired. Nothing was processing. Your brain was trying to wrap around it all, but it was too much.

“W-What? N-No! Please!”

“Killer, you pick ‘em up with-” As your brother and his vice captain planned on whatever fate they had for Kese, you sauntered off. It wasn’t long before the traitor’s screams tore through the night.

“Y/n?” You looked up, seeing Dive prancing over to you. “Are you going to bed already?” she asked, putting her hands on her hips. “We still need to celebrate the victory!” She huffed, shaking her head. 

“Besides, we haven’t had your cooking in forever! Would you make something for us? Pleeeease?” 

“Now, now, Dive. You should let them rest. They’ve been through a lot. We’re not celebrating until tomorrow anyway.” You looked up, seeing Wire standing there. You nodded in agreement with him, a tired smile spreading across your features. “I’ll make sure to cook everyone’s favorites tomorrow, okay?” You ruffled her hair.

“I want to sleep too!” You blinked, looking at her. “You wanna have a sleepover?” You grinned at her. You did this a few times before. Sometimes, when she first joined, she had nightmares of some kind and would be up a lot. So, she’d come hang out with you in the lab, sometimes you both would end up falling asleep curled up on the futon in the lab. Most of the time you didn’t remember falling asleep with a blanket on, but there always ended up being one. Even when Dive wouldn’t sleep with you now that you thought about it.

You shook your thoughts away as Dive spoke with excitement. “Yeah! Sleepover!” You smiled, turning to head towards your lab. “Keep an eye on them, yeah?” You heard Wire say to Dive. Ah, she wanted to make sure you were okay. You appreciated it, honestly. None of anything felt real right now. You were on the verge of a mental break, you could feel it. Someone to ground you would be good right now.

Part of you felt like if you woke up tomorrow, you’d end up back at the lab and this was all a dream.

You opened the door to your lab, blinking. Everything was exactly how you had left it. “The captain didn’t let anyone touch it after you left. Especially after…” Dive joined you once more and you looked over at her. You nodded, looking back. Everything had a fine layer of dust on it. You were going to need to do some serious cleaning, but you were too tired to do that right now.

“We can sleep in my bed,” Dive offered. Exhaustion was eating away at you and you nodded. You didn’t have any energy to argue or clean your own area. That was tomorrow’s problem. “That sounds lovely,” you mumbled with a yawn as he followed her to her room. She shared a room with Quincy, but you knew that the woman wouldn’t mind in the slightest if you stayed there for the night.

You crawled into bed, the smaller woman jumping into the bed with you with a laugh. She started prattling on about something or another, probably knowing that you just needed to not be alone with your own thoughts.

Which didn’t even end up mattering as you were asleep within moments.

[wilsons-hotlittleprettyboymouth]

hey, i'm sorry, this is a pretty deep question, so please don't feel pressured to answer if you're not comfortable.

i'm a disabled teen with really bad internalized ableism and depression because i'll likely never be able to move out or get a job. i know everyone's experiences are different, but i just had to ask someone's experience: have you found it easier to accept your circumstances in adulthood? or is mourning what could have been just something disabled people learn to live alongside?

This might be hard to understand with the amount of life experience you have so far (because it truly just takes a lot of time and gradual growth of confidence etc to develop it, and that’s normal) but the answer is actually both! Like im not gonna bullshit you just for the sake of encouragement, you’re going to be aware of the way you don’t fit in with the supposed standard human experience for a long time, maybe forever. But you’re also gonna find that there are plenty of ways to exist outside of that “normal” experience that are perfectly fine and capable of happiness.

What tv and movies depict as “normal” life almost never actually exists. If you measure yourself by that, you’ll be miserable forever. And that’s something you see more as you grow into adulthood, which is why it gets easier to accept. The truth is, most people are miserable stacked up to what we’re told is normal. I’m not saying everyone suffers as much as the more intensely disabled do, but you NEED to know that even people who seem to have it all together usually experience: 1) seeming to others like they have it all but feeling like there’s something missing because this can’t possibly be it 2) having gaps in their mental growth and maturity because maintaining an image of a normal life has left them refusing to acknowledge anything wrong that needs therapy etc to fix 3) severe social pressure to have this perfect normal life that results in a subconscious obsession with staying fitting in, blinding the person to escaping the social cult of “good, normal people act like x and care about y and put down z”.

Like, once you realize how fucking freeing it is to not fit into this idea of normal life, you’ll realize you’re capable of so much better than that. You’ll gradually internalize that earning a normal income isn’t that great and that most people are entirely miserable doing it, and that it doesn’t define your worth. And, I am so serious, you do not have a simply nonexistent chance of moving out and having a life. The key here is to find other disabled people!! There are tons of us who’ve managed to move out in unconventional circumstances, either with the help of each other or the help of accommodations. Or both! You can join support groups on Facebook, for an excellent starter. And there are actually some decent ways to still earn money depending on your specific situation.

I went through this exact issue myself for so many years, but it turns out convincing myself I was capable of nothing, no life at all, just because I was disabled and mentally ill did myself an enormous disservice. Just because my version of a happy life didn’t look like theirs didn’t mean it couldn’t be real.

The daunting thing here is that, yeah, this is gonna take work. And since it’s work different from the life expected of you, it’s not laid out for you to follow easily (i.e. college -> job -> marriage -> house -> kids) so you’ll have to figure out the path yourself. But you have years and years to find your path, you don’t have to predetermine it all at once in order to have begun!

All in all, it’s perfectly normal and healthy to have a grieving period for the life you thought you’d have. But accepting that that life won’t exist is actually so helpful because then you can stop hating yourself for not being able to make it happen. It’s not your fault, that part’s not in your control and you should cut yourself some slack for that. But while grieving, the most important thing you can do is decide to try. To take care of yourself even when it feels pointless, because I absolutely promise it’s not. To learn how to cope with it, to put in the work, to ask for help but know your worth so that if someone won’t help you, you don’t feel like that’s your fault!! You deserve a good life too and there WILL be people who care to help make that happen. Don’t let a few ableists destroy your self worth.

Decide to care about yourself and care for yourself and, although tiring at times, the rest will fall into place. Practice makes the trying easier over time, until one day you realize you’re even more adjusted and taking care of yourself better than people who’ve been told they have nothing wrong with them. Pick up some hobbies while you’re young, sculpt and paint and find what scratches your brain for yourself first and foremost. And feel your happiness wherever it crops up, not just in what you think life should’ve been.

[mourningwithmagicians]

questions i wish i could ask you

how are you truly, genuinely. answer it but dont tell me

do you want me to wish you a happy birthday? would that help or hurt? it'll hurt to me to reach out to you in any type of way. can i wish you a happy birthday spirtually? i dont want to ever speak to you again and i dont want to ever hear from you again. can you consider me dead and mourn me that way? aug 12 was the worst day because you texted me and it ruined my night knowing my bubble of pretending we never existed was burst.

how is your family? please give me thorough updates. i feel like you don't get this but i was ready to accept them. no question. i really hope you knew it but i meant it. truly would've done it. and would've been okay with it. i don't really know what point it got to be too much. maybe i just outgrew it when i realized nothing was changing but even then im not too sure

are you okay? please be and if you're not just lie to me

are you dating? does it fucking suck? i hope not and i hope you've found the love of your life. sorry for wasting so much of your 20s btw

do you know how incredible and loveable and a gem you are?

do you know that you can just run away/you dont owe anything to anybody? run away please.

Hey. I don't think you read these and god forbid you do. I wonder if there are regrets. I genuinely think we both gave it our all, right? But do you think that jesus fucking christ, sometimes it feels like you'll never truly love or be loved again? the way i loved and touched you? the way you touched me and knew me? how is it going to feel to be known again? i can't imagine. i wish you had picked me. i knew you couldn't have but i wish you did. im so so sos oso sososososo fucking sorry your circumstances. there was literally nothing you could've done. but i couldn't make myself a martyr.

sometimes i wish i had. a lot of time times i wish i had. i'll never be loved again the way you loved me. and i chose solitude over hardship that we would've had. i would've been there with you for it all, i know i would have. i know i deserve peace, but with you, i didn't want it. i was okay to not be your priority. i was okay to just be with you .

the love for you comes in waves. moments where i realize your birthday is inching closer. this time last year was you, our sex, watching house of dragon. how funny it all is now. all faded to oblivion. none of it matters.

and here are the tears. i knew they were here. lost within questions i'll never get to ask.

[plushievash]

4:02 am questions: all prime numbers

oh thats a fun way to do it putting it under a readmore so its not too long <3

2. Do you mourn for a place or person you’ve never known? yeah, occasionally, when i think too hard abt it i mourn the person i couldve been if i wasnt u kno...

3. Do you really think there is somebody for everybody? yes! multiple people even! <3

5. Do you have to be related to be family? of course not! <3 just a few of my best friends ive never met irl that i consider family are renee, emry, n eli <3<3

7. Are you in love? Do you want to be? i think so yes

11. Would you change your appearance if you could? i can and i will >:) im making myself into who ive always been! isnt that great? <3

13 - answered!

17. Did you have imaginary friends? Do you still have them? i dont think so unless u count plushies ?

19. If you aren’t religious, do you wish you were? Why? im not anymore...sometimes i wish i was because i felt like i owed that to my lolo and lola (though they never pressured me into it.. i just felt like it could be a way to honour them)

23. Is love about convenience or something more? Can it be about both? i dont know what it means abt convenience so.. something more!! love is the way u get excited abt ur fave things; love is ur friends sharing their fave things w u; ect ect !! <3 love is everywhere bestie <3 maybe corny as hell but im tired of being embarrassed and depressed !! theres so much love in everything and its nice to think abt :) !

29. Do you believe in some form of god/s? no? i dont like to think abt it too hard

31. Do you have a hunch about how you’re going to die? i believe im meant to drown as irrational or insane as that might sound i always had a feeling i was meant to drown.. even when i was little if i started to drown i wouldnt freak out because i just ? trusted the water ? deciding it was my time to go ? but when i get extremely paranoid im afraid i will be hit by a car or killed by a random act of violence

37. Do opposites attract? magnets! yes :) ok ok sorry. maybe. idk w/e lol

41. What fundamentally matters do you? money fun and my besties <3

43. Do you create art? How do you define art? WELL. yes <3 i do my funnie little drawings :) how do u define art? who give a shit <3

47. Do you have to suffer to truly understand the human condition? What is the human condition? How can you really experience it? there will always be suffering in life but thats not all it is

53. Which beliefs do you have that is most likely to be wrong? nothing. i know everything so jot that down. <3

59. What do you think the next era of music will be like? i dont know bestie... i listen to the same songs on repeat for years on end </3 penis music.

61. Do we live in tumultuous times, or do they just seem so strange because we’re living in them? oh it is very tumultuous times

67. What’s the worse thing a person can be? abuser obvs

71. Would your life make a good play? yes im the most interesting person in the world hope this helps <3 it has to be a musical

73. Would you fight for your country? Do you feel a sense of loyalty to your nation? AS FUCKING IF LMFAOOOOOO

79. When you are sad, do you listen to music that conveys your emotions or music that makes you happy? sad music my beloved <3

83. Given the chance to live your life on Mars, with no hope of returning to Earth but with the promise of scientific discovery and glory, would you take it? yaes... i want to get killed in space seems fun

89. If you lost all your memories, would you have the same personality? losing ALL my memories is something that freaks me out so much i have such a huge paranoia abt it i do not want to think abt it

97. Are you overly analytical? perhaps but my thoughts and my brain is sexy so its ok :) (bonus fact 97 is my fave number)

[silveanna]

Hello World

Na jaemin x fem!reader, Feat. 00 liners

Summary: Wait, humans suddenly disappeared? well isn’t it fun? you get to do whatever you want now but no one will be there for you anymore. You’re completely alone in a world that seems to be dead but is that Really it?

It’s been hours since you woke up, you’ve been wandering around the city but you haven’t met a single person yet. You also checked your phone but all your contacts, photos and all the files in it are gone, there is also no signal. It was quiet, too quiet it was hurting your ears. There’s no wind or any birds chirping and especially, the people are gone, it feels like the world isn’t alive at all. “i swear if i’m in Alice in borderland, im going to kill myself” you said.

You went to the mall market but the food seems to be expired already, seriously for how long did they disappeared? but at the fruit aisle there were still a few fresh fruits, you weren’t a big fan of fruits, you hate it but you have no other choice, all the foods are expired even if it isn’t you don’t know how to cook at all. Well, you can cook instant noodles and eggs but that’s all.

And of course because you’re alone, you jump on the beds at the furniture aisle while singing “five little monkeys jumping on the beds” not until you heard a loud thud nearby, you quickly hide under the blanket. Minutes passed nothing happened, maybe something just accidentally fell.  Yeah ACCIDENTALLY

Months have passed, everyday feels the same, like you’re on a loop it’s sickening, are you really alone? or maybe your just dreaming. You tried pinching your arm, it hurts but nothing changed the world is still empty... dead. You’re running out of food, Your gonna die alone, no one is going to mourn your death. “Oh god oh god..” you pulled your hair and cried.

“I don’t want this, i didn’t ask for this.. I miss everyone” you said and hugged your knees.

.

.

.

.

.

“Here”

“Huh?” you immediately looked up, a guy with jet black hair beside you is offering you a handkerchief, you ignored it and wiped your tears with your hands, he looks away and puts the handkerchief back in his pocket. There’s a lot of stuff running in your mind right now, you feel happiness, sadness, and anger at the same time. You snapped out of your thoughts when he waved his hand in-front of your face. “I think they forgot us and went to mars” he joked but it didn’t move you.

You were too busy scanning every inch of his face, why the fuck he looks so healthy compared to me.. maybe he’s a robot?

He was in the middle of talking when you suddenly poked his cheek, “oh wow you’re real” you said, he laughed and removes your finger away form his face. “Yes I am real”

You keep asking him about everything, he tries his best to answer your questions. “Before all of this, i like being alone, it relaxes me, you know just vibing with myself but not this alone” he explained.

“I know, waking up thinking it was another normal day and the next thing you knew the people are gone, I might have you now but you might suddenly disappear too or me. Back then I’m scared to die, cause when you die you can’t do anything you want anymore, it’s just like dreaming forever, but for me this is worse” You said.

He took your hands and looked at you in the eyes, it was beautiful but the person who have it is sad. He wanted to changed that “Let’s make the most of it while we still have each other, I’m Jaemin by the way you?” He smiled.

His smile was beautiful and calming, almost like a free therapy, it made your heart skipped a beat “I’m y/n” . And so you two did, you shared each other’s favorite stuffs, read books together, danced in an empty street while raining, watched the sunset, played board games, and put on some expensive clothes and pretended like you guys are in a fashion runaway.

“You see that three stars together? My mom said those are the three Kings, oh there’s the orion!” You said pointing in the starry sky, you and jaemin are stargazing on top of a hill. He stares at you lovingly while you keep telling him about the meanings of each constellation you point out in the night sky. “I love you” he said out of nowhere causing you to stop.

You looked at him, his eyes sparkling “I love you too you know that” you said.

“No like LOVE love” he clear up.

Jaemin looked away, “It’s fine I can wait, I have all the time in the world”

Silence..

“It’s not like there’s someone who’s going to stole yo-“ when he looks back at your spot you were gone, it was as if you had suddenly disappeared like a bubble. “Y/n?” He stands up and starts looking around for you, his breath getting heavy, his vision starts to get blurry as tears formed on his eyes. Jaemin dropped on his knees and looked down. Just when things started to be fun, one had to disappear. Now he’s all alone again.

•••

You slowly opened your eyes, your vision cleared up and a white ceiling is the first one that greeted you. You felt a dextrose which is injected into your right hand. Wait, what are you doing in a hospital? you were like fine seconds ago.. and where’s Jaemin?

A woman entered the room, she looked middle aged based on her hair which has a few white strands. You were surprised when she suddenly jumped in joy when she saw you were awake, she fishes her phone out of her pocket and dials someone’s number. “Honey come here! our daughter is finally awake!” after that she cuts the line and hugged you. “Mom?” you said. She cares your hair softly “Im glad you can still remember me, i’ll go get the doctor wait here okay?” you nodded.

Your mom leaves the room, you sat there in silence. Was is it all a dream or am i in another dream right now? what about Jaemin? 

Soon the doctor arrived with your mom, no, with your whole family. The doctor asked you a few question and you answered them effortlessly, “Your daughter is doing fine now, we can arrange her documents so she can leave in few days, and i recommend to let her rest for three days before going back to business.” the doctor explained.“Thanks doc” you heard your dad said, the doctor nodded and leaves the room along with their nurse.

“I don’t remember what happened, how did I ended up here?”you asked, they all sat beside your bed. Your mom held out your hand and rubs it with her thumb. “You got hit by Car, you were comatose for 8 months we thought we were going to lose you” Your dad explained. You forced a smile, you don’t know what to do in this kind of situation so you just looked down.

You looked up after you felt your stomach growl, “can i go to the cafeteria? im hungry”you requested.

Your mom accompanied you to the cafeteria while your dad and older brother decided to stay in your room, you were surrounded by a lot of people you felt different. You want to tell your family about what happened and especially Jaemin but they might think your silly. While your mom is ordering food, you are looking for an empty seat. You weren’t paying much attention infront of you and bump into someone, luckily they catches you before you kiss the floor.

“sorry i’m so sorry i wasn’t looking” you apologized.

“no no it’s fine i wasn’t either” the guy smiled, he felt familiar, it feels like you already met him but where? “oh wait y/n? it’s you, glad you already woke up!” he said and hugged you.

“i’m sorry you are?”

“i’m Jeno, we’re classmates remember?, i came here to visit you and visit my friend jaemin also-”

“Jaemin? did you just say Jaemin? where is he? is he okay? wait is he here? please tell me it’s just high fever or he works here?”you asked.

“Oh Y/n there you are, let’s eat?” Your mom interprets the conversation, “he’s in room 25, 10th floor meet me there” Jeno said and left.

“So Jeno’s here too?” Your mom asked.

“Yeah he’s supposed to visit me but we met here so he’s off to his friend now” you explained, you were happy to hear that Jaemin’s here but felt guilty after you remembered you suddenly left him at the hill.

After you finished eating with your mom, you told her you’re going to room 25, she still accompanied you there but she just waited outside the room. When you got inside you immediately saw Jaemin sleeping peacefully in his hospital bed with his life support. He’s sleeping, does that mean he’s still in that world? Alone?

There are tears trailing down from your cheeks as you approach his unconscious body, “h-how long has he been like this?” you asked Jeno, he stood beside you and pats your back even though he has no idea how you knew his bestfriend. “3 years, brain infection”

That night you prayed a thousand times, hoping that in your sleep you would return to that world to be with Jaemin again and tell him you love him too. Eventually you got there, to the place where you guys usually hang out but you didn’t met him, you looked around for him but you couldn’t even see his shadow. Or any trails he left behind. He just disappeared like you did before. Morning came, afternoon, evening, a day, and a week. You didn’t woke up. You were trapped in there again.

Kicking a can out of your way as you took a road to god knows where, you lost count on how long you’ve been trapped but it almost felt like a year or more “I wonder if Jaemin already woke up”

“He hasn’t” you turned around and saw a very tall figure of a man wearing black suit, “But he will, just not now. I believe your time is up miss” you took a few steps back away from the man. “Haha very funny, I know you’re just trapped here just like me” you said and started to walk again. “What you call ‘here’ is where lost souls go who still have a chance to live but you don’t, your brain is starting to shut down and the doctors back in the real world are trying to save you with a defibrillator” he explained. You stopped in your tracks. So now you’re dying? you haven’t pretty much done all your goals in life yet.

“I-I’ll go back! I will woke up!”

“Haha we’ll see miss, three days, I will give you three days, if i still spot you wandering around here you have no choice but to come with me” he smirked, he snapped his fingers and poof! he was nowhere to be seen.

•••

“You seriously don’t remember her?”

“No... why? Do I have to?” Jaemin sipped his black coffee.

“I don’t know, it’s just that after she woke up she went to see you, she was crying it’s kinda...unfair”Jeno explained, ever since Jaemin woke up Jeno’s been trying to tell everything about you but it doesn’t ring any bell to him. “Unfair? What? It’s my fault if i can’t remember her? I’ve been asleep for 5 years and so is she, how the hell— argh nevermind” Jaemin face palms himself.

“C’mon Jeno don’t force him to this, he can’t be stressed” Renjun said.

“Yeah yeah right sorry” Jeno apologized.

They all went back to their business, silence filled the room. Renjun and Haechan are focused on their phones, Jeno looking outside the window, and Jaemin drinking his favorite drink. Jaemin was dozing off until a certain memory from his dream played in his mind. He was in an empty grocery store with a girl, everything was clear except her face, her voice was also mute. “I like canned bread, it’s kinda good” Jaemin said out of nowhere.

His friends looked at each other in confusion and back at Jaemin, Haechan scoffs “since when have you eaten canned bread?”

Jaemin’s unable to answer, he swear he have. Jaemin shruggs “Nevermind”.

12:30 pm, Renjun and Haechan already left since they still had school tomorrow. Same as for Jeno, he’s just waiting for Jaemin’s mom to arrive so he could go home, he didn’t want to leave his dear friend alone. The Tv is on shopping channel, the air conditioner was off but it’s still cold. They couldn’t sleep. As Jaemin spaces out, he hears this familiar voice of that girl again, she was singing. It was annoying and relaxing him at the same time, he couldn’t understand why he feels such feeling towards a girl who only lives inside his head or is she really? Her face is still blurry but he can finally hear her voice loud and clear. “Hey little train we are all jumping on..the train that goes to the kingdom...” Jaemin sang quietly.

“Where did you heard that?” Jeno ask.

“Someone... I don’t know” Jaemin replied, Jeno shook his head and puts his attention back to his phone. It keeps happening, Jaemin saying things out of nowhere, facts about him that sounds fake but aren’t , its just that, it didn’t happened in reality. “I used to hear y/n sing that a lot when she still attends school, it’s kinda annoying to hear the same lines over and over again but, her voice is beautiful.” Jeno shared.

silence...

“I want to see her, that girl you keep blabbering about, I want to see her” jaemin said.

“But you’re still not allowed to leave your bed until the doctors said so?”

“Do you think I care? I’ve been in this bed for 5 years it’s time to get up” Jaemin hops down the bed and puts his slippers on, he goes at the door and peeks outside. “There’s no one around let’s go” he says. The hallway was empty and quiet, the nurse who was appointed at the receptionist desk was in deep sleep. It was so easy for the boys to wander around without staffs standing in their way.

There’s no one inside y/n’s room at the moment, she was still unconscious, a nasal cannula place around her nose as it gives her oxygen. “She got hit by car, woke up after 8 months and went to see you, she didn’t woke up again after that” Jeno explains.

Jaemin held your hand, it was cold as ice, i never met you but how come i feel like i already knew you like the back of my hand?

•••

“I can’t decide whether I should take her or not, I’m already late for my given deadline argh” the black suit guy whom you met earlier was watching you from afar kick a vending machine again and again, you weren’t hungry or anything, well you can’t feel any hunger anymore, you’re just an empty lost soul who’s not yet ready to go. “Something is holding her back, like a thin red string attached on her back that trails back to the real world” he rest his head on his palm.

He teleported right in front of you, “it’s only day one what are you doing here?” You ask him.

“Listen missy, I’m just doing my job okay? Just come with me and you’ll be at peac—“ he was cut off when he hears a heartbeat, your heart beat. It was purple and it’s glowing, “what’s happening? What’s happening?!” You shook him.

“Hold on hold on, I’ll get my handbook” he snapped his finger and an old big brown book appeared out of nowhere, he used his powers to flip the pages until it gets to the page he was looking for. He puts his glasses on and reads the text. “Well it seems like your not coming with me anymore, any moment now you’ll come back to the real word BUT you won’t remember everything” he explains.

“Is it temporary? Like after a long time I will regain my memories?”

“I’m afraid not, but at least you’re coming back” the grim reaper hears you sigh,he looks away and flicks your forehead. “ah! what was that for?” you glared at him while rubbing the spot he just flicked. “I did it so you won’t lose your memories, it’s against the rules but it’s my first time doing it so i guess i won’t get fired entirely. Maybe just a few punishments” he shruggs.

“why? why did you cross the line?”

“i want to see how it’s all going to end... don’t worry much kid, i have other back up jobs”

5 days later

“Finally! shit!” You cheered, you’ve lost count on how many tissues you used to remove the ink from your face. 3 minutes before you woke up someone’s kid got inside your ward and drew on your face. Your family was crying and laughing at you at the same time, you were confused at first until your brother handed you a mirror. You dump all the tissues at the trash and went out the bathroom, you were with your brother at the moment because your parents are still at work. 3 more days before you’ll finally be discharge and another 3 days for you to rest at home before going back in action. 

You went to the couch where your brother was peacefully sleeping, he’s pretty much also knocked out because of work. You don’t want to disturb him anymore, so you went outside to look around, it’s boring if  you just stayed in your room. You found a large garden at the ground floor and went in there, the sunlight is illuminating the whole garden, it just rained a while ago so it looks like there are crystals glued to every plant and flower. All of it shines beautifully. The place looks like those beautiful sceneries in anime’s. Back then at that world everything looks cold, lifeless, almost looks like grey. 

You went to the main spot of the garden, the wishing fountain. “Hey little train wait for me.. i was held in chains but now im free” you sang, you stare at your reflection from the water and tucked a strand behind your ear. “I’m hanging in there don’t you see?” out of nowhere, you heard someone whispered the lyrics, you got startled because of it and fell towards the fountain. What if it’s a ghost? You’re in a hospital after all. 

“Oh my god i’m so sorry! here let me help you up” 

“Good thing i have-- Jaemin?! wait, is that really you?” your eyes widen, you feel your heart beat faster and got goosebumps. He wasn’t wearing a hospital gown anymore, that means he got discharged before you did.

He giggled “why don’t you poke my cheeks again like you did last time?”

[fl0ating-tree]

Fanfic prompt: everyones first visit to Dream in the prison (specifically Puffy, Sapnap, Punz, George, and/or Niki)

OOH i really hope we get to see these actually happen because my heart is gonna snap when it does happen. im gonna do george + sapnap and puffy bc this would be super long if I did them all. 

george is probably OOC because we don’t really have an example of how he is when he’s in character. also fair warning for puffy’s part, it might come off as a little c!dream sympathetic. that’s not the intention, it’s more to show how even dream still has emotions even thought he’s awful, but if that stuff really upsets you maybe don’t read puffy’s part. it’s barely there but still. 

George and Sapnap

Sam rarely stood guard outside of the prison. After all, it’s inescapable and he’s the only one with access. After locking Dream away Sam reassured them all that he built safety features in that no one but him, not even Dream, knew about. Sapnap called him paranoid when Sam told him that over lunch one day, now he couldn’t be more thankful.

“Are you sure you wanna do this?” Sam asks as he leads both Sapnap and George towards the only occupied cell. “He’s...he’s not exactly fun to be around at the moment.” Sapnap cringes at that. He feels bad that Sam is the one who has to bring Dream food and water, but no one else was particularly jumping at the opportunity to be around Dream after what happened. He doesn’t think he’ll ever forget Punz’s panicked urges for him to find anyone on the server and meet up at the Nether hub. How Punz led them through the Nether in full sprint, giving them all the vague explanation of “Dream is going to kill Tubbo and lock up Tommy” and nothing else. Sapnap wouldn’t have believed him if he didn’t walk in on Dream laughing at a despondent Tommy, holding a sword to Tubbo’s neck. Seeing the walls lined in trophey cases labeled for his friends and allies belongings (and even loved ones, was Dream really going to put Skeppy in a cage just to get to Bad?) 

“Sapnap?” Sam asks again after Sapnap doesn’t respond. 

“Yeah, sorry,” Sapnap shakes his head and continues walking, glancing at George to his left, “I’m sure.” George says nothing and continues walking. He hasn’t said anything since he logged on asking where Dream was. It took an hour of nearly everyone on the server telling George what happened for him to believe it. Even after everything Dream had done, George was still loyal to a fault. 

“George?” Sapnap presses and George’s shoulder stiffen.

“I need to see him for myself,” George says flatly and Sam and Sapnap share a look before continuing down the halls. Sam brings them through locked doors, redstone contraptions, pad locks after pad locks and at some points he even has George and Sapnap be blindfolded so they can’t see the inner workings. Sapnap was worried, as were others, that Sam would betray them and simply let Dream escape. But the fury in Sam’s eyes when he saw the cage built for Fran, when he heard Dream blew up the Community House, that squashed any thoughts of betrayal still lingering. 

“Wait here,” Sam tells them and Sapnap can smell redstone lighting and pistons firing before Sam’s now muffled voice calls out to them. “You can take off the blindfolds now,” he calls and they both do.

Before them is a large blackstone box, the wall between the cell and the corridor being made of obsidian enforced glass (Sapnap didn’t even know that was possible to make until Sam told him about it.) It was well lit and inside the cell was a decent looking bed, a door in the far corner presumably leading to a bathroom, a desk with papers and blunt markers, a round table with only one chair, and lastly, Dream. All things considered the cell was nice, nicer than Dream deserved, but Dream himself looked terrible. His mask was gone, destroyed by Tommy, and it made him so...human. Out of the corner of his eye Sapnap could see George studying Dream as well. His clothes were disheveled, deep bruises still on his face from his fight with Tommy and Tubbo, and where there was a normally calm and sophisticated aura surrounding him, Sapnap saw nothing but unjustified anger. 

“You’ve got visitors,” Sam says unnecessarily from where he stands by the lever to open the cell. George flinches at how detached Sam sounds. The normally kind and bright man sounded almost disappointed in Dream. 

“Yay me,” Dream snaps back, it’s Sapnap who flinches this time.

“You two wanna go in, or just talk through the glass?” Sam asks and Sapnap looks to George for an answer. He doesn’t give an answer, only stepping closer to the glass. Dream leans up from his relaxed position on the bed, intrigued. 

“I’ve gotta say Gogy this is probably the biggest thing you’ve slept through yet,” Dream teases, his voice friendly and open and Sapnap hates how badly it makes him want to break Dream out of this terrifying prison and pretend like nothing bad has ever happened.

“Were you really going to kill Tubbo?” George asks, voice quiet and void of emotion.

“Why do you care?” Dream growls, and Sapnap remembers why he can’t pretend like this is the Dream from months ago that he built the community house with, “You never gave a fuck about what was happening before, why do you care now? Cause Sapnap told you to care?” The mockery in Dream’s voice builds tension in George’s shoulders.

“He’s 17, Dream,” George’s voice is thick and Sapnap takes a step forward, having his own questions for Dream. 

“Why did you do any of it?” Sapnap asks, “Taking everything everyone loves? Controlling Tommy, trying to kill Tubbo, why did you do it?” 

“None of you get it!” Dream screams and even Sam jumps in surprise, “This is my server! I’m in control here, not Tommy, not Tubbo, no one but me!” Seeing Dream this...lost, this out of his element, without the mask is unsettling. His face is too raw, too many emotions on display from the man Sapnap always knew as calm and collected and one step ahead. Sapnap turns away, not baring to see his once best friend so far gone. 

“I’ve seen enough,” Sapnap tells Sam quietly, and the man nods. He guides Sapnap towards the exit, the two of them glancing back when George doesn’t follow. Dream seems to notice as well.

“Not gonna follow them Gogy?” He laughs, crazed and maniacal and hauntingly similar to a certain dead president. 

“You don’t get to call me that,” George snaps, voice fierce and shoulders tense. “You lost the right to call me that a long time ago.” 

The three of them say nothing else as Sam leads them out of the prison, even as Dream’s screams echo down the hallway and echo in their minds for the rest of the night. 

Captain Puffy

It started out as a joke, if Puffy was being honest. Dream had followed her around one day, carrying extra supplies for her, listening to stories of her old pirate adventures, and helping her with her daily tasks. She’d later find out that he was having a really terrible week, stressed from events he wouldn’t disclose (she’d later find out about those “events” as well, to her disgust) and not wanting to talk to anyone but needing something to occupy himself. Puffy joked around, calling him her “duckling” and let him continue doing it. It helped her and him, so she found no harm in it.

Months passed with their small routine. Dream would have a bad day or simply not want to be around the others (Puffy would, again, find out later that it was more that others didn’t want to be around him) so he would follow her around, helping out with her daily tasks or just spending the day with her. It reminded her so much of one of the younger boys on her long abandoned crew, cured a small amount of homesickness, and slowly it became less of a joke and more of a true friendship. The day Dream slipped up and called her mom, even thought she’s only two years older, used to be one of her favorite memories. Emphasis on used to be. 

She was hesitant when she heard rumors of Dream’s villainy. This was Dream they were talking about, the kind guy who came to her when he had a bad day and helped her with anything she asked. She saw him build up those walls around L’manberg, and she heard the murmurs of how he wouldn’t let anyone go see Tommy in his exile, but she passed them off as hyperbolic or flat out lies. She wonders if she was more attentive to what Dream was doing could she have prevented some of this pain. She doesn’t think she’ll ever recover from seeing Dream, her duckling, seconds away from killing a child and further traumatizing another. 

“We’re here,” Sam tells her solemnly as she hears pistons move and unties her blindfold. She could care less about how the cell looked, or how impressive the redstone was. All she could focus on was Dream, standing close to the glass, looking terrible. His mask was gone, showing his emotions clear as day. His eyes screamed sadness and anger and betrayal all in one. His hair was tangled and there was still some blood matted in it from where Tommy had fought him. His shirt was wrinkled and he didn’t even have any shoes. He was simply stood looking heartbroken and entirely human in this cell and it took ever ounce of willpower in Puffy to not cry to Sam to let him out. He looks nothing like the monster who manipulated and controlled others, he looked like her Dream, her duckling, her friend. 

“Dream...” Puffy starts but the words die on her tongue. 

“Puffy, please,” Dream starts and without the mask she can see tears welling in his eyes, “I know it looks bad but you know how bad these past months have been for me, you’ve always been there for me, you have to understand.” 

“I don’t...” the air in the room feels suffocating, “Dream I saw it with my own eyes. I saw it with my own eyes. How could you?” She watches as anger overrides Dream’s eyes but a mournful look still stays on his face.

“Puffy, Cara, you know me,” Puffy can’t hold back her sob when Dream uses her real name. The only other person she told that was Niki, and after their recent fight over what to do with Tommy, Puffy really didn’t want to think about Niki right now. “You know I wouldn’t do this if I didn’t have a reason. I’m doing what’s right, I’m making sure there’s no more fighting. You’re smart, you know me, I wouldn’t do this.” 

Puffy looks at Sam who looks an awful combination of guilty, furious, and depressed. Sometimes she forgets Sam has been here since the beginning. She wonders if Dream has always been evil, if he was always this manipulative, in the beginning. 

“When you would help me,” Puffy starts, still not looking at Dream, “when you were my duckling, was that just a cover? Was that just you trying to use me, too?” She turns back to meet Dream’s eyes, the mask no longer there to hide the way his eyes scream that he’s lying. His face is a dead give away for what he’s doing, Puffy wonders if that’s why he always wore the mask. 

“No, Cara,” Dream lies through his teeth, “I’d never use you, I promise. You have to believe me.” 

The three of them stand in silence, Dream leaning on the glass with fake tears in his eyes and real tears in Puffy’s. Sam is deathly quiet in the corner of the room, watching and not intervening. Puffy can’t tell if she appreciates that or not. What she can tell is that she can’t stand to look at Dream another minute. 

“I really did care about you, Dream,” she wipes her tears on her sleeve and turns to Sam, “I’m done.” Sam just nods and leads Puffy towards the exit. 

“Puffy, please! I wouldn’t do this, don’t you see it!” Dream pleads, voice morphing from sorrow to anger, “I did what I had to! Puffy listen to me! CARA!” 

Sam still says nothing as he sets a steadying hand on Puffy’s shoulder as she sobs, guiding her out of the prison and away from her duckling. 

[samwritesforyou]

can the sinner get a happy ending?

Fandom: Code Geass

Summary: nunnally decides to clear lelouch’s name and lelouch - conveniently - around that time decides to visit his sister in disguise, because he just misses her so much. but what happens when he learns that people for some reason can’t remember him as a bloody emperor?

A/N: this fic is turning out to be longer than 15k already, so i will post only one part here, as of.. a “prologue”, or just a feel for you to what this story might bring with it. the rest i will upload on ao3! im really proud of this work :D enjoy!

also... im finally coming back to my favourite formatting of this “description” part for the fics, finally :D its been a mess last four fics, sorry! also sorry to everyone who doest follow me for code geass content, i will write different things too, dont worry!

Warnings: mention of a panic attack, no serious proof-reading

Wordcount: 4k (Prologue)

“Nunnally, I do not agree with this,” Suzaku said firmly, looking the empress straight in the eye, brows furrowed together.

“Suzaku-kun, I understand why you’re upset, but this will not harm the people in any capacity. I do this for my brother,” she stated just as strongly, not daring to shift her gaze elsewhere from his emerald pearls.

“But that doesn’t matter, using this power is just wrong!” he was almost yelling now, clutching his hand in the fist.

Whenever someone was talking about geass or even thought about using it, he always had severe reaction to that topic, probably due to all the trauma and suffering that it caused.

Kururugi has never had a fight with Nunnally yet, they had a calm relationship full of mutual love and trust. Despite her being Lelouch’s sister, she was never like him in any sense. And Suzaku feared the day once he’ll start to see the similarities. Despite loving his friend beyond any measure, his actions and thinking was oftentimes just.. extreme, to say the least. Extreme and dangerous, he was never supposed to gain the power he got ahold of. That’s what was going through Japanese’s mind as they were arguing with Nunnally.

She looked at him wide eyed and he could almost be able to see how the wall of trust they’d built together cracked ever so lightly, as the young empress lowered her gaze and sighed.

“Zero, this is an order. Tell Lloyd to have it ready by tomorrow,” there was such unfamiliar coldness in her tone that it made Suzaku stop in his tracks as she turned around in the wheelchair and started to drive away from him.

It was unfamiliar from her, yet.. so familiar from Lelouch.

There was hardly a day when he didn’t think of him. Either cursing him or praying to him to come back.

He didn’t wear a mask right now, because they were talking in the empress’ private rooms where no servants had access to, so he could be himself around here, yet.. yet she addressed him as Zero.

Suzaku’s green eyes shifted slowly, now looking at his feet.

He was clothed in the purple costume with gold lines, purple gloves and a white puff scarf tucked into the shirt. He hated it. He hated all of it. Every single fibre. 

He fell to his knees, breath catching in his throat and he felt the familiar dizziness coming into motion.

He was having a panic attack.

It wasn’t anything new to him and Suzaku found out that the best way to fight it is to let it flow. Let it consume him and shiver uncontrollably, salty tears falling from his eyes onto the red carpet as he bowed his head to the floor.

He was alone possibly in the whole floor so there would be no one watching. No one acknowledging how much pain this human being has to endure, when his only wish is to die.. and when he can’t possibly even do that.

When he finally felt the convulsions stop and dizziness drifted away he sat up on the ground, lifting a hand to his face with a sigh that echoed through the richly decorated halls.

“What a fucking day,” man whispered to himself, slowly getting up and taking the mask of Zero, putting it on, feeling the material close surely around his head so no one could possible guess his true identity anymore.

The stare that nobody could see was deprived of any emotion. Now he was just a faceless person with a mission from the empress.

He went straight to Lloyd’s engineering wing, passing the painting of himself in the white suit as the pilot of the Lancelot, a piece of black cloth at the side of the golden frame, meaning that he’s still being mourned by the genius technician.

“Nunnally vi Britannia demands for the device to be ready by tomorrow,” he said sternly, never adjusting his cape as Lelouch always did - a waste of time and a touch that’s soaked with pretentiousness.

“Of course, Zero, your wish is my command! It’s almost ready anyways,” engineer answered, sitting alone by the table where he continued to work on some cables and connections to various pieces of metal.

He was offered to gain at least a dozen of good workers that could help him in his experiments but earl declined, saying that there’s nothing much to invent without his beautiful pilot and no grandiose war going on between Britannia and Japan anymore.

Suzaku just curtly nodded at that, staying watching him for a moment longer than necessary, just wishing he could reveal to him who he really is and that his pilot is still alive and well and could try some of his new knightmares if he ever makes some.

“Lloyd-san, it’s break time!” suddenly rung a high pitched voice through the empty working space as Cecile came closer to both of them with a little tray rattling with silverware and some food on the surface.

“Oh, Zero, I didn’t notice you come in,” she said sheepishly and smiled, pulling the tray towards him a little in an offering.

“Don’t you want to stay and have lunch with us?” she asked in her sweet voice, the one she uses when she wants to make the good impression, but Suzaku just sighed.

These two were the only people who didn’t really judge him. Even when they didn’t know his true identity, it almost seemed like they were friends like they were before. He liked spending time here, but possibly couldn’t keep them company in eating, since.. he couldn’t really take off his helmet.

“Cecile-san, you know that I mustn’t reveal my identity, hence I can’t keep you company at lunch. Only if I sat by the table without taking a single bite,” he said, a soft smile finally breaking to his lips, making the corners of his mouth go up just a little bit.

“Oh!” she exclaimed, finally realising why this offer wouldn’t work out, but then she said “oh” again and quickly made a beeline towards the main doors, locking them.

“But what if! I locked the main entrance so nobody could come in while we’re eating,” she started enthusiastically and then made another small run towards the light switch, looking with hope at her boss and then the masked man, “and we would also eat in pitch darkness, so you could finally enjoy something with acquaintances, like a normal person?” she smiled and then blinked comically, correcting herself and laughing nervously, “I’m not saying that you’re not normal, of course, I’m just. I realise that it must be hard to be wearing a mask all the time, mustn’t it?” she finished carefully, biting her lower lip.

“Cecile-kun, you’re making Zero intrigued, I think!” Lloyd barked a loud laugh, looking over at his ex-subordinate, “What do you say, Zero? I promise you no peeking!” he teased and got closer to him, wiggling his brows.

Suzaku couldn’t help himself but felt his smile growing wider at that suggestion. There really was no risk, right?

Did Cecile want to try it for a while now? Because it seems like a thought of plan, after all.

*If I keep shielding myself from others I might as well go insane sooner or later.. What’s the harm in one, pitch black lunch, right?..*

Suzaku thought to himself and then nodded.

“Okay, why not?” he said, making Cecile excitedly jump in the air and Lloyd lean deeper into his chair with a pleased hum.

“Alright! On the count of three I’ll turn off the lights and then.. hopefully make it to you guys without any problem!” she explained and on the count of three she really turned off the lights.

Suzaku wasn’t rushing in taking off his helmet, at first waiting for Cecile to make it safely to their little table. It.. was really dark. 

“Cecile-san, please be careful,” he said, now being kind of nervous for his friend.

“I’m okayyy!” in the end of the sentence she yelped, because her outstretched arm collided with Zero’s mask, making a low thud, “I.. suppose I made it to the table, right?” she laughed and Suzaku gave out a chuckle as well, carefully putting her hand aside, so she could find the chair to sit on in this ridiculous darkness.

“Okay, so.. I’ll just warn you that I won’t be speaking while we’re eating, because I have a voice modifier inside that distorts my original voice,” Kururugi explained carefully, waiting for their reactions.

“Ahhh, so you can’t be tracked even by voice recognition, that’s very smart!” mused Lloyd, already, what it seemed, with a mouthful of food, “Or you’re someone who we know, so you don’t want to be recognised! But that’s less probable than the first point,” he concluded to himself, now apparently drinking something.

“I won’t comment on that, Lloyd-san,” Suzaku said and then sighed, “Itadakimasu.”

And with that, the only sound in the room despite the munching on the food was the noise of Zero’s mask unzipping and being put near him on the ground.

Japanese inhaled sharply, filling his chest with some fresh air, even though they were inside.

He finally scratched his nose and then rubbed his eyes, using all of the time he has without a mask. Being without it in public was a really rare occasion, so he felt ecstatic, thinking that.. maybe one day his life might get better.

Once he took a big bite of some veggie balls that were on the plate in front of him, he already wanted to say how delicious it is, especially compared to first things she ever cooked for them, but then stopped himself, instead just gulping down the food.

He noticed that the other two were silent as well, probably honouring the fact that one of this trio cannot talk. How nice of them, truly.

During the whole process he was careful of sounds to be able to in time put a mask back on if needed, but nothing really happened. He only heard some clicking, as if someone was taking glasses on and off two times, but other than that, nothing. It was probably Lloyd messing around anyways.

He sighed with relief when he finished, reluctant to put the mask back on. Despite of being in the dark for so long, his eyes didn’t adjust and he still couldn’t see anything, probably because the place was really devoid of all light at the moment.

Then he shook his head to himself, thinking that revealing his identity would be too risky at the current situation, so he put the mack back on, making a clicking sound in the dark.

“I’ll turn the light back on,” Suzaku said and luckily didn’t collide with anything on his way there.

Once the light was back on, the trio grunted in unison, their eyes certainly not being able to absorb this all at once.

He didn’t sit back down to the portable table but just stood next to it, looking at Cecile.

“Thank you for the meal, it was very delicious,” he said, smiling at her.

“I’m glad it was,” when she lifted her dark blue eyes at him, it looked like she’s been crying, so he got instantly worried.

“Are you okay?!” he asked, putting a hand on her shoulder.

“I am, thank you, it’s just the sudden light,” she laughed weakly in response, placing her gentle palm on top of his hand, squeezing a little.

Suzaku then pulled away and nodded, still with a warm aftertaste of being treated like an actual friend or an acquaintance.

“I’ll get going then. See you tomorrow, Lloyd-san,” Zero turned away on his heels and made his way from the engineering lab.

“Cecile-kun, the tears weren’t from the lighting, were they?” once they were alone, Lloyd looked at her with a pleased grin, swiftly putting his hand into her pocket and taking night vision glasses out of there, waving them in the air in front of her, “Who is he?”

“I’m sorry, Lloyd-san, but I’m afraid I can’t tell you,” she said with a warm smile, a single tear falling down her cheek, “but he is a good person. We can definitely trust him.”

.

.

Life went at significantly slower pace in the countryside than in the city. Nobody was busy.. there actually was *nobody*. Only him and C.C.

The perfect solitude life for two sinners who wanted to make their wishes come true.

Lelouch was just in the middle of harvesting some plants from their little farm, taking breaks every so often because his physique didn’t improve even in conditions like this.

The strew hat oh his head protected him from the angry sun that was shining though the eternity of summer in these lands.

“C.C., can you please get me a container for these? I think it’s better to grow them inside, they’re dying out there on all this heat,” ex-emperor barged into their house with two plants in his hands, taken out of the ground with the roots, waiting for help from the green haired companion he had by his side.

“Uh-huh, sure,” she put away the knitting equipment and lowered her bare legs from the table she was resting on, getting up to her feet, making a beeline for the back room, where the junk of all sorts was stored. For situations like this.

She looked around the whole room, noticing old Zero suit just hanging by the wall, some markers and scissors peeking out of the pockets. She sighed and lowered her olive eyes, finally finding what her partner has asked her for.

With two brown-ish pots in hands she went back and put them on the floor in from of the skinny man, returning to the back room once again to get some fresh soil for the poor plants.

Then she came back for the second time, plopping next to the bag with terra, tearing it open and pouring the soil into the pots.

Lelouch was looking at her this whole time, as if exploring every millimetre of her pale skin. He did it often now. Paying more attention to the details and that made him even the better deduction master than he’s been before.

Sherlock Holmes was onto something, truly.

He could now finally put the plants into their new home now, patting the ground with his elegant fingers, making sure they’re steady in it. 

Then he placed them next to the dining table and wanted to go out again.

“Lelouch,” simply said C.C., taking her knitting needles in hands alongside the purple yarn which for the most part was being dragged behind her as she followed him outside.

“Hm?” was the only answer she got, as Lelouch continued taking care of the garden, completely immersed in the activity.

Or maybe his mind was thousand miles away..

“I miss you,” she stated, still knitting, kind of furiously, even though her face was unchanging.

“What? I’m right here,” he chuckled, his hands firmly in the ground, making sure that the plants have enough space to grow and expand.

“No. The old you, the one who was always in motion, who didn’t let life stop him, the one who made me feel like life is a game worth winning,” she said, her hands slowing down in the tempo of her activity, “I feel like you’re losing yourself too.”

He didn’t say anything for a long moment after that, working like some gardener, brows furrowed together.

“But we won, C.C. This might not be the life that you nor I want to live, but that’s a small price to pay for the world to stay in peace, don’t you think?” he finally met her eyes, lifting his amethysts from the greenery.

“What about Nunnally? Don’t you wanna see her?” there was no hesitation in her voice as the man got up from his knees and pointed a finger at her in a warning manner.

“I told you to never say her name aloud..” he whispered, no signs of anger on his face, only sadness pooling in his dark, beautiful eyes.

“So you just want to forget her? Or what? What’s your plan?” she stood on her tiptoes now to get closer to his face, talking in the same semi-whispering way, not willing to step down.

This kind of rivalry was the thing that kept these two going in the most dire times when they just wanted to fuck it all and return to the old swing of things.

“I have no plan,” said Lelouch so closely to her lips that at some point of his phrase they touched and he then pulled away, making his way back to the house.

“Hm. What a sore loser,” she mused with a smile on her face, following him and plopping herself on the couch, knitting away.

For the rest of the day they didn’t exchange a single word.

.

.

Suzaku was dreading today. The day started already badly from the beginning. 

He woke up with a headache and outside was pouring rain, attacking large windows in his private rooms, sound echoing through the space that lacked furniture.

Despite having amazing athletic skills, the curly haired boy was still very skinny for his height and his depression often made him feel like he doesn’t even need or deserve to eat anything.

He sat on the bed, white shirt loose on his shoulders, shuddering to himself.

It was so dark. And lonely. Everyday was the same. Lonely, lonely, lonely. Alone. Echo drifting through the void of his existence, springing off the rich, gold decorated walls which mean absolutely nothing to him.

He hated to reside in the royal palace but he would hate even more to be somewhere alone.

Here he at least has Nunnally... someone who knows completely and unconditionally who he is.

His first plan of action each morning is to wake her up, let her dress and then go together to the dining hall and have breakfast. Only after that they would proceed to go on official side of the business.

When he came to her room and saw an empty bed his heart sunk uncomfortably fast and Kururugi rushed to it, seeing a note neatly folded on the sheets.

*I’m sorry I didn’t tell you beforehand, but I will be in my office earlier today. Have something to eat and then bring me the finalised Product. We’ll hold the ceremony in the evening.” 

It said and he slowly slid his fingers over the letters, face growing grim. 

The product.. she meant the geass button. His stomach curled up and he started to feel nauseous.

If any doctor would see Suzaku right now, they would probably tell him to take a vacation at least for a month and rest for the eternity of it.

There was no professional to stop him, though, so he just stepped hard on all of his emotions, knitting his brows together, putting the Zero mask on.

He marched from the private empress wing and saw quite a lot of commotion, probably because of the speech that Nunally will be giving later.

A lot of people started coming up to him, saying “Zero please do this and that” and Kururugi just waved them all away, for once without any capacity left to feel guilty that he can’t help with preparations.

Soon enough young man found himself in the technician part of the palace where everything was more silent. Way easier to bear the silence here than in his room, he noticed.

“Ah, Zero, welcome!” mused Lloyd, greeting his with open arms, “Everything is ready! Still don’t understand why would the empress need such a device that never brought nothing good but I guess it is not my business to ask, am I right?” he smirked and looked at the masked person, hands on hips.

“It indeed isn’t,” said Suzaku in the low tone, just being fed up with this day. He’d much rather take off his mask and tell the whole world that his death was a lie instead of even touching the device that can inflict such a power. Power that he despises.

But he can’t do that. He can’t do that because he is a slave. He always will be. Lelouch was right. He just lets people to spit on him over and over, in the end not changing a single thing in the grand scheme of things.

Suzaku wasn’t the greatest politician, despite his dad rooting heavily in politics, and so japanese were actually still being oppressed. He just didn’t know how to solve it. He wasn’t as great of a leader as Lelouch was, as the real Zero was. 

He’s just a mere replacement that can’t even do his job right. 

So he will take the geass button that Nunnally requested from his friend that doesn’t even know who he is, he will ignore Cecile-san as she comes in just seconds before he leaves and waves enthusiastically at him, he will continue in his heavy steps all the way to the palace, he will shrug off every single interviewer that wants to have a discussion with Zero, leader of a nation, he will knock on empress’ office where she is ready for the speech to give to the whole population. And he will bow down before her, getting on one knee, giving her the power he hates. She will just curtly nod at him and then put the device carefully in her lap, just out of reach of the camera. He will stand beside her as Zero, and there will be silence before the broadcast.

He is just a servant. Merely that.

“Nunnally,” he said, devoid of any emotion left, “you still won’t tell me which order are you going to give?” he was looking straight into the tv screen in front of them, as the countdown showed still two minutes left before the beginning of the stream.

“No,” she said seriously, looking at the same direction, tensing up.

“So it will work on me and I won’t even know, huh,” his tone was now softer and quieter, accepting the fact that his most loved person alive is essentially doing what he hated the most.

“No. I got that checked up, Suzaku,” in her voice could be heard a small smile, probably a sad one, as she continued “Apparently the order that my brother gave you was so powerful that you’re immune to any different type of geass,” she said with a deep sigh, “so you’ll hear it and won’t be affected. I wanted it to be a surprise.”

He couldn’t answer her anything on that because the timer was already up and the political duo went live to the millions of people that were watching, all around the globe.

The topic of the speech was supposed to be about more liberation rights for Japan, so that created a lot of so-called “hype” amongst the citizens, britannians as well as japanese. The maximum amount of people were watching and they will all obey the empress. That was the plan.

“Nunnally vi Britannia commands you,” with hearing these words Suzaku got goosebumps, his hands squeezing the handles of her wheelchair as much as he could to prevent himself from doing anything that he might regret later, “please, everyone who is watching this or hearing this, forget about the fact that the 99th Emperor of the Holy Britannian Empire was Lelouch vi Britannia. From now on, you will all remember him as just a person without a face, someone who wanted to rule the entire world, but it wasn’t him. It wasn’t Lelouch,” she said, after pressing the button.

Even a normal person could feel a literal surge of some energy coming out of the room they were in and Suzaku widened his eyes as he heard the order.

His mouth hung open as he was trying to make sense of what she just said.

Nunnally cleared Lelouch’s name. 

Nunnally... cleared Lelouch’s name. 

Kururugi couldn’t focus on anything that the empress proceeded to talk about after that, staring blankly at the wall and for the first time he was genuinely glad that he was wearing a mask, so that nobody could see his shocked expression.

A/N: this fic can be now found on ao3! i wont be updating it here on tumblr because that would be just too many chapters and that's just... too much work fdsjfjsf

[helenaklein]

I hit some major missing Helena Klein hours the other day so I decided to replay her route. I’m on season 4 and can someone smarter than me explain why Helen’s death, a character we never technically meet, hits so damn hard.

That message sent before I could finish typing. The other part of that was, I know why Helen’s death hurts, like I can feel it, but can’t verbalize it, you know what I mean?

i do absolutely get what you mean about the difficulty verbalizing exactly what it is about helen's death that hits so hard. im not sure if this was a real request for me to try a hand at explaining it, but this ask got me thinking and (more importantly for all my attempts at words) feeling, so these are my thoughts on it, at least. beware: this is really fucking long.

i mean... first off... it's wild, isn't it? that a character that we never knew alive can inspire such an acute feeling of loss in us. but she does. even thinking about it now makes me sad. it's skillful, and well done. season 4 would not have been as impactful as it was if the character helena spent the majority of the time mourning was not someone we as readers were also upset about.

the reasons that exist for me on a sort of surface level, those i recognize as factors but are still less interesting and compelling to me, are 1) helena herself is devastated by this loss, and those that love her will always feel some of what she's feeling as we go on that journey with her and 2) helen was genuinely good, and the death of any character we know is doing so right by the people around them is always bound to be something tragic and heartbreaking.

now, there are a few other reasons for it that i find more influential (and impressive), but they're more complex ideas and kind of wrapped up in one another so bear with me.

thematically, season 4 exists as a moment in helena's story where she, mc, and the reader are confronted face to face with concepts that before only existed as an undercurrent, as questions that don't get asked out loud because we're not sure they're "good" questions. "what if helena had a clean slate?" "what would it be like if helena's mind was unburdened?" "what if helena never met the witch queen at all?" "what if there was a place where helena was out of reach from all that haunts her?"

and we see all of those hypothetical scenarios play out right there on our screens. and the answers to those questions? they're fucking heartbreaking. and uncomfortable. and so, so necessary.

first, helena's amnesia creates a circumstance in which she really doesn't remember everything awful that's ever happened to her. and, wait, maybe... maybe things are better for her this way! she sleeps without nightmares. she's good! she smiles and she learns and she walks through streets without paranoia.

but she's... still carrying some of it with her. it lives in her body. so deep inside her mind that she can know nothing about herself and still instinctively know that the cold is something bad to her. it's as close as she could ever possibly come to that clean slate, that feeling of being unburdened. but it's not peace to her; she's not any more whole just because she can't remember the things that have broken her. that sense of peace she seeks can't come in the form of simply not knowing.

and that sucks! it's sad as hell! a solution that's perfect on paper, yet one that everyone on this ride now needs to step away and move on from because it's not real, and maybe that's okay.

so helena, mc, and us as readers move on. not for long though! because in comes the dopplegangers. because in comes the literal embodiments of our cast in an untouched-by-witch-queen state.

in comes helen.

she's wonderful. well-loved. successful. healing. dedicating her life to helping people through the worst moments of their lives.

she's everything.

she's every single thing helena's ever hoped she could be had her circumstances been different; every single thing we've wondered if helena would be if she could exist away from her demons.

and she's dead. murdered. by none other than the witch queen.

when the witch queen kills helen, she doesn't just kill helen. when helena, and we as people on this journey with her, experience the loss of helen, we're not just mourning for helen. helen's death is so much less about her dying than it is about the fantasy she represents being struck down permanently.

a version of helena untouched by the witch queen does not exist. a version of helena that never experienced and inflicted terrible evils does not exist. that person is dead, she's unreachable, she's never really real.

that moment we call season 4 is an awakening of sorts. one that's really, really hard. absolutely fucking sad. almost unbearably uncomfortable.

but it's the truth and it's needed.

because there are no perfect solutions. there are no ideal circumstances in which trauma and history can be erased. and even if there was, that's not what healing is.

helen's death hurts because with it comes the loss of an idea that feels really, really good. but that loss also inspires the single most important decision helena makes in the whole route. it's only after letting go of those fantasies, in getting the answers to those "what if" questions, that helena chooses to fight. to heal. to do the right thing.

that's why helen's death hits so hard. that's why season 4 is one of the seasons of hers i find myself returning to emotionally and mentally most often.

and that's why the chicago ending the the stupidest shit i've ever read in my life and the grossest bastardization of a character arc to date.

[makemeabeliever]

He moves slowly, deliberately, giving him time to move away. When he doesn’t, he gingerly sweeps a few of the droplets away with the pad of his thumb before pressing his mouth to Johnny’s jaw, catching the tears that seem to deteriorate and melt away at the warm embrace of his lips.

Daniel and Johnny talk it out. aka, the Daniel Apologizes fic that everybody wants, including an emotionally fucked up Johnny Lawrence.  Really proud of this one! Very dialogue heavy, 

[ziracona]

so can u tell us a little about ur characterization of Lisa?? What's she like inside and outside of trials? Does she have a lot of lucidity, what were her relationships with others like, would she ever get better, do you think? ( im SAD.) Just. What's she like!! Also, same for Sally? Oh! And I'm rly enjoying two songs by Meg Myers which maybe you'll like? Running up that hill (Cover) and Desire. Maybe check em out? :3 - Sleepy

Sure!

My Lisa is from a bit before the archives for her placed her (early 1970s), because I wrote ILM back when there was no date given for many killers or survivors, so I just hoped they were historically accurate with the things they did mention & went through a fairly exhaustive list of drained swamps in the Southern US & paddleboat makes & placed her according to that data (it’s been a bit so I don’t remember the exact date without looking up my notes) in the 1920s-1930s, I believe? And in her early 20s, since she’s described as a girl & young woman, which DbD usually does only for characters in their early 20s. (Which I’d still assume is her age, bc even though her archives, if you go by them, have her in her teens, they’re not connected to the events of her disappearance/definitely happened before them.)

In trials, Lisa has like 0 lucidity. I talk about this some in chapter notes, so I’ll try to give a quick overview instead but sry if I restart myself. She’s so starved that any time she sees a living being, she is just completely overcome with hunger and can’t do anything but operate on it. Very scary. Feral. Like being attacked by a starving animal. She’s super out of it, and is completely wild and violent and has no control, only the need to eat. Outside of trials, if no one is around, she’s lucid again, but will remember trials and what she did to people, and spends that time in horror and despair. She’s tried to kill herself before, because the last thing she ever wanted was to become the thing she swore vengeance on (the Entity’s a real cruel motherfucker. Did the same to Rin, to Philip, to everyone it could. Likes to really twist decent people into what they would most despair to be), but in the realm, she’s stuck as it. She’s not really aware for trials, but remembers them with decent clarity, and is in constant agony over what she’s done. Unfortunately, suicide does not take in the realm, and every one of her attempts failed, just like her attempts to maim or tie herself up so she wouldn’t be able to hurt people did. She’s horribly alone and despairing, and also in physical agony. She’s at the worst end of what a human can be at as far as emaciation and starvation while still being alive goes, and that’s physically awful. It fucks up your brain chemistry too, and everything is just really fucking miserable all the time. It hurts to move, it hurts to breathe, your breath smells tastes like rotten fruit but in a way that’s so much worth than that can sound. She’s so hungry, her addons are things like dragonfly wings consumed to give her extra stamina. That’s the kind of bare sliver of relief she ever gets. God, poor Lisa’s life is hell. She’s completely heartbroken and isolated and almost dead. As far as relationships go, she didn’t have any for a long time. No one can really interact with her, because she goes feral at the sight of food. She’s kinda utterly alone. But briefly, when Alex, Philip, Vigo, Benedict, and Sally were a group, she kind of got stumbled into, and after a kind of nasty first encounter, was able to regain lucidity around other people, and had a truly sweet and memorable and invaluable bit of time with love and friends and other people. She was kind of in love with Sally, who did her hair for her and was really kind to her, and Sally liked her too. They were close. Lisa was close with all of them. But when things ended the way they did, the Entity took that away. Lisa remembers it, but she could never get them or it back, and was cast aside and left behind until the end of ILM, when she finally got peace and found happiness in finally getting to be at rest in the arms of a friend. Overal, she’s a fairly young and wide-eyed, bright, cautious, fun and sweet girl by nature, now massively traumatized and hopeless and broken, but still with a truly incredible amount of that kind nature retained. She would have really loved reading fantasy novels aloud and exploring the worlds of lore and history, travelling, seeing other cultures and geographic features and animals. Enjoys fashion too, and has a heart for designing and making cool, personal and cultural and symbolic tied designs, and would have been both great at that and loved it if she’d lived long enough. (Shoutout to @artianaiolanthe who inspired the fashion take & it is so suited to her I love it). A little shy, but an extrovert at heart under it, just a nervous one. Loved people. Liked climbing trees and fording brooks and baking bread and throwing rocks and baseballs to knock a target out of a tree and win a prize at little town fairs. Didn’t get the length or quality of life she was owed, and it’s just not fair or okay at all. Liked to watch the stars.

As far as getting better goes, mentally, totally. If they could get her out of the realm or break the Entity’s connection, she’d immediately stop killing. She has never done it of her own free will. She’s a sweet small town kid who was just trying to live her life. As far as physically goes though, Lisa is in one of the worst possible spots. Unlike say Amanda, who was on death’s door but healed by the Entity, or the Legion, who weren’t injured at all, Lisa was on death’s door and like Adiris, did not get healed. Just preserved in that near-death state and forced to work in it. Honestly, it’s possible she could survive long enough to get to a hospital and be saved, but at best, she’d probably live another year. When you starve, your body begins to catabolize/eat your own tissue to save itself, starting with fat, and ending with muscles and organs, which, when it reaches the heart, kills you. Lisa was so close to dead, the organ damage was probably awful, and would leave her with complications that would take her very young. The most likely thing, since she was saved literally seconds before death, would be for her to step outside the realm and immediately die. However, it’s possible she got lucky on body damage and could be saved—kinda up to interpretation—and if say, she was around for Quentin’s Vigil going healing batshit, and got some organs repaired that way, she’d have a real shot. (I also am sad. Lisa was actually the only determinate character in ILM to me/that I wasn’t sure the ending for, and while I am very happy with what ended up being her closure, I also would like to see her live for even more love and peace TuT. Lol, if I ever end up doing my goddamn four fate route fics like I’ve joked now a truly dangerous number of times about doing [>.> me @ me] then maybe she will get a variety of lives in the end). I’m glad you wanted to know! I really like and pity her. This poor kid really did nothing wrong, much like Rin, and just got eternally tortured for asking for help and justice against the monsters who took her life so violently. Fuck Brittany. (Read: the Entity.)

Ahhhh Sally. My sweet, sweet girl. Uhhh, not sure which of the Lisa questions you meant for her too, so I’ll try to speed-answer them all? Sally’s intelligent and understanding and thoughtful, patient, polite, almost elegant despite how impoverished she spent most of her life—she just tries to act like a lady and treat people with as much respect and esteem as she can (unless they suck lol). She’s also very mentally damaged and not there though, and has extremely unstable mood swings, especially into despair. Her relationships with the other killers were limited. She talked to & was on polite terms with any who would talk to her and not be condescending or a dick so openly she’d pick up on it (so like, on cordial terms with Evan, Herman, Caleb if she’d been there that long, but not like, Kenneth or Freddy or someone who wouldn’t bother to put up an act). But mostly, after figuring out she wasn’t really of any use to them, they quit communicating with her. Sally has been extremely isolated since shortly after being taken. She believes that the survivors are innocent and suffering and knows that they don’t deserve the hunt, but has no way to stop the whole system, and has been convinced by the Entity that if she does a good job and earns moris, the ones she strangles to death get to stay dead instead of coming back after death to suffer endlessly again, so she works very dedicatedly and slowly trying to earn kills to save them. It took her physical eyes when it got her and lets her see through it’s powers, and uses that to randomize what survivors look like in her memory so she doesn’t catch wise it’s the same people over and over and she’s not saving them at all. It’s extremely tragic. God it’s one of the most cruel Entity tricks, which is saying a lot. Poor gentle woman is Sisyphus pushing a boulder up a hill day after day year after year and she doesn’t even know how hopeless and meaningless it all is. : (

When the Vigo-Philip-Alex-Benedict team was going, though, she met and attacked, then was convinced to instead befriend them, and quickly became very attached and well liked by them. Met Lisa while with the group, and became extremely fond of her and loving towards her and was truly, truly happy for a brief period of time. Still remembers her, even as lost as all her memories are. Not her name, but what she looked like to Sally, and how her hair felt, and how nice it was. Sally would have considered everyone in that group a dear friend, and in ILM, Philip most definitely becomes her deepest, closest, and best friend, just like she does to him. She’s a very faithful woman to her soul. Loved her family, loved her husband and mourned him, worked as hard as she could. Cared for her patients, and did her best in that hell until the Entity slowly whittled away at her sanity until it broke her mind and left her convinced the only way to end their pain would be to give them death, and she had to do it to save them. Sally loves little pretty things and neatness and collections. Flowers, bows and ribbons, china and colored glass. She would have treasured gifts like decorative holiday cards and carved animal figures and left them on her mantle or carefully tucked in lovingly organized and decorated books she could open to revisit the memory. Likes dresses and skirts and the way the wind feels. Hopeful and very enduring. Loving. Had a mom heart, and will never really get entirely over the loss of her children, but is strong and kind and will find new love that makes life still worth living in other people. Will remember both kindness and cruelty a long, long time. Loved Quentin from the second he gave her flowers (Dwight: Quentin, why did the entity let you have three moms? Quentin: Because I fucking earned it >:[“ [author’s note: he did. God that poor kid...]). Loved Kate from the day she sat with her in a hospital and held her hand. Is like that. Remembers small kindness and treasures them.

Sally could definitely recover. Not all the way probably, physically or mentally, but by far enough to be complete and happy and realized and who she wants. She never meant to hurt people, so she really just needs some stability, and I think she finds that with her new family. I mean, it is a lot to adjust to. It’s been like nearly 100 years. The Entiry broke her mind, and she’s got some damage that just probably can’t ever be fixed, but a lot can be, with drugs and treatments and therapy and kindness and a good support system, and honestly, the biggest things she needs are people to keep her memories together and herself present, and influences to protect her from being manipulated and controlled now that she’s so suggestible and easy to hurt, and she’s got that. I am 100% certain that while some things—the scatteredness, the ease of slipping into other moods especially deep sadness, the different way of thinking altogether—never leave her, she gets better in the most important ways and is truly happy and quite functional and what she wants to be. While there’s no way (yet anyway lol. Cybernetics that good when?) to give her new eyes since the Entity ripped hers out, and she’s blind now, and can’t be changed, her seeing eye dog does a great job for her, and she’s very happy and adjusts well. She has a lot of friends to be her eyes, and learns to lean into what she can do and has a quite fulfilling and blissful life outside the realm in ILM.

Also: thanks for the recs! I’m going on a run soon, and I’ll add those to my iPod and give ‘em a listen if I can. Hope this answered what you wanted to know! ^u^

[alienoriana]

Why Lonely Road is about John

1st Disclaimer: Approaching a Paul song is trickier than a John song IMO. Mainly because Paul seems to enjoy and embrace more the weirdness, the serendipity, the subconscious that can break in and subvert the creative process. John himself described Paul’s lyrics as surreal (maybe in oposition to his own lyrics, which are “real” real. For more insights about it, read this great post from @thecoleopterawithana). This is important because Paul usually prefer to highlight that aspect when he’s talking about one of his songs. That tendency may create the impression that he is more detached from his lyrics, when in fact he is trying to focus on that dimension that he considers to be an indispensable part of his identity as a songwriter. Sometimes its a dream, sometimes its a catchy line, sometimes its a mistake that works, sometimes its a minor event or a random person (or animal), or all these elements together. And thats what Paul will tell us later when ask about the song: that little thing that made the tune go and grow.

But when one tries to understand a song (emotional) motives, this tendency gets in the way -and probably that’s how Paul prefers it: just keep guessing, and more importantly, keep listening to the songs-.

2nd Disclaimer: As much as I believe that John and Paul were (are) soulmates, Im aware of the equal (and different) intensity of the bond they had with their spouses. The fact that I focus on J/P relationship, doesn't mean that I like to place their relationship over the others, as more important than the others.  In this case (this song) in particular, I say this in relation to Paul and Linda's relationship. Even if I try to show why I think John's presence is strong in a song, it does not mean that I deny the possibility that Paul actually is alluding to Linda, or even both, sequentially or at the same time. Because the heart is that messy and complex, and big.

I feel that I tried to cover myself too much before I even started, but both issues are usually present almost always in my reflections about his (their) songs (my favorite McLennon topic), and I think this post is a good opportunity to express it.

And now, to the song... [finally, right?]

Lonely Road was included as opening track in the album “Driving Rain”, published in november 2001. The main themes of the album are influenced by the mixed feelings of grief over the recent death of his longtime partner, and of excitement over a new relationship. There’s longing and thankfulness, but also the wish to let go to be able to go on.

Some of the songs were written during a holiday in India, in early 2001, where Paul had not returned since the events of 1968 (!). I think this little fact is esential to read this song. We can ask ourselves: Could Paul have remained indifferent to that place so associated with John and The Beatles, and to the memories it could have awakened?

The lyrics...

I tried to get over you I tried to find something new But all I could ever do Was fill, my time With thoughts, of you

I tried to go somewhere old To search for my pot of gold But all I could ever hold Inside, my mind Were thoughts, of you

I hear your music And it's driving me wild Familiar rhythms In a different style I hear your music And it's driving me wild again

Don't want to let you take me down Don't want to get hurt second time around Don't want to walk that lonely road again

I hear your music And it's driving me wild Familiar rhythms In a different style I hear your music And it's driving me wild again

Don't want to let you take me down Don't want to get hurt second time around Don't want to walk that lonely road again

Don't want to let you take me down Don't want to get hurt second time around Don't want to walk that lonely road again

The analysis of the one who does not want to be analyzed...

When asked about this particular song, Paul was as usual nonchalant about its meaning.

In 2001, he was saying this:

‘Lonely Road’ was also written in Goa, where I was enjoying the beach and the sea and generally chilling out in the new century. Again, I had a few moments in the afternoon, which is always a good time for me, a quiet spell when it’s always cool for me to go off and fondle my guitar. The songs basically wrote itself in about an hour. It is what it is, this song, you can make of it what you want to make of it. To me it’s not particularly about anything other than not wanting to be brought down. It’s a sort of anti-being brought down song, which is for anyone and everyone. It’s ‘don’t want to get brought down again, don’t want to walk that lonely road’, it’s symbolic for anyone who’s been through any sort of problems. It’s a defiant song against loneliness, written in a hotel room in Goa. - Driving Rain Interview, 2001.

“It’s a defiant song against loneliness”, thats a fantastic little definition, which goes well with not only this song but many of Paul’s tunes.

In another quote, published much later, Paul speaks a little about the simple motivation for a certain rhyme:

‘Lonely Road’ was written in India, and that’s a bit… I don’t really know what I’m doing, just blues longing. I say I tried to go somewhere ‘old’, that’s India. ‘To search for my pot of gold’, well I wasn’t, I was on holiday. So it’s half imagination, half reality. If I’m looking for a rhyme for old, and pot of gold comes into my mind, then I don’t resist. ‘I try to go somewhere old cos I no longer need a pot of gold?’ Fuck that. Let’s go somewhere old to search for a pot of gold seems more like a song. - "Conversations With McCartney", by Paul Du Noyer, 2015.

In both quotes, its like he’s saying: “It’s nothing, it’s just this song I made up on a holiday, I didnt want to get brought down, ‘old’ just goes well with ‘gold’, the usual things in a songwriter life. Don’t pay that much attention to it, don’t think too much about it, I certainly didn’t”.

Interestingly, he makes reference in the 2001 interview to another song of the same album, and he once again tries to make it clear that the sources of inspiration were deeply rooted in free asociation.

‘About You’ was written in India, in Goa. We had such a relaxing start to an Indian holiday which was at the beginning of 2001. It was exciting, I hadn’t been back to India since the Mararishi days, which was 25 years or so ago. It was great to look around a bit more; I’d only seen Rishikesh, north of Delhi, before. We started off in Goa, relaxed beach time, and one afternoon I wrote ‘About You’ on a little travel guitar I’ve got which has it’s own amp in it. I picked some words out for the song after seeing a copy of The India Times which was lying around. - Driving Rain Interview, 2001.

“I read the news today, oh boy" kind of feeling... Hmmm... (I wonder what that newspaper was about)

IMO, every time Paul strives to asociate a certain song to something inexplicable, casual and without intermediation, he actually suggests that the motivation is very intimate and subconscious. At the same time, he refuses to analyse it. He wont talk about it, because he cant answer for himself at that moment, that place and time. And he probably believes that if he tries to grasp its meaning and set it in stone, sort to speak, he would kill the song. In this case, I think he tries to say there is no clear intention, but its also a strong feeling he can’t help to express.

And when he alludes to the specific lyrics, he carefully avoids the “middle eight” of the song: “I hear your music and it's driving me wild / Familiar rhythms in a different style / I hear your music and it's driving me wild again”.

“I hear your music"... Whose music? 

Ok, Paul, you chose “gold” to rhyme with “old” (and I will not try to relate the “pot of gold” line with the famous twin dreams that John and Paul had after meeting for the first time). Fine. 

But who is the person he is talking to throughout the song? Whose memory is the one “taking him down” there in India, in a supposedly happy holiday?

Yes, it can be Linda, but if so, wouldn't Paul say "our music"?. Im inclined to believe that this music he’s hearing (and its driving him “wild”... wild as “young and rebellious”? wild as “angry and mad”?) belongs or relates to someone different.  

He sings: “Don't want to let you take me down / Don't want to get hurt second time around / Don't want to walk that lonely road again”.

Oh, this part I love. The reference to “second time” and “again” speak of a first time he was brought down and hurt, of a first time he walked “that lonely road”. Can this have to do only with his recent mourning, to which he’s saying in a way he’s done suffering? Or has to do with another, more distant, first departure, first great hurt? And even more, does this “first time” have something to do with India? (I remember now that Paul has another beautiful song that belongs to this period, maybe a little later, thats simply called “India”).

Why John, then?

The song transpires clearly a youthful rebellious spirit (”Fuck that”), expressing the need to shake off melancholy and nostalgia. And I think that in this way he suggests that he is more guarded in front of a process he already is familiar with. HE’S BEEN THERE. Because he has already gone through that lonely road, and it took him a long time to recover. This time, he feels the urge to recover faster (we'll know later that maybe it was too fast).

I dont know if the first mourning refers to his break-up with John or to John’s passing. Perhaps the proximity to India reinforces the first possibility.

Another thing to take into account is the fact that in the album Paul includes a song directly and explicitly related to Linda, Magic. On the contrary, in the case of Lonely Road, Paul decides to leave it orphan: it´s about noone, and nothing.

Lonely Road comes straight from the subconscious. It has a close, immediate trigger: probably another song that he hears and it makes him wild, and it brings him down, and it reminds him of another time when he was left alone.

And I think that song is a John’s song.

P.S.: Oh, not really related, but you definitely should watch the Lonely Road video. 

[bae-leth]

chap 20!

1) Edelgard has some really cool lines in that last cutscene (”your path lies across my grave” “i wanted to walk with you”) but at the same time i found it kinda jarring??? because she sounds so mournful & and she WANTs byleth to be the one to strike her down but i. know for a fact. that the Only thing my byleth ever did in GD pre timeskip was go fishing because i wanted to get to the war phase asap. so i didnt talk to edel as much this time aroun d fdsjhfdHJDSFHDFSHJFDHS EDELGARD...... i feel kinda awkward having her feel so strongly towards byleth, whereas he did Absolutely Fucking Nothing for her in return. whoops. 

it’s okay, tho, because soon i’ll be on black eagles anyway!! so everything is fine.

2) Found out what happened to Dedue. Everything is not fine.

3) damn. you go from ‘whoo time to destroy an empire’ to hubert handing you a letter from his grave, telling you that ‘if you are reading this, I Am Dead. blah blah blah also btw remember the slitheries? You know, the weird group you totally didn’t forget about? Yeah make sure u kill them. REALLY make sure u kill them. kthxbye’ WHAT IS THIS AHAHAHAHA i guess we’re off to kill slitheries now? Is this where dubstep emblem comes in?

4) Rhea explained maybe one thing and then fucked off again. pls come back i need answers

5) Nemesis..... wheeeere is he :(

6) I was today days old when I realised that maybe. just maybe. Lorenz would be good in a magic class. because I never once :)) took a proper look at his stats :))))) IM SO MAD @ MYSELF WHY DID I NEVER NOTICE THIS.

[flamingo-writes]

Your Hands Only — Levi Ackerman x Reader

Multipart — [Chapter 8] [Chapter 9] [Chapter 10: soon] [Index]

Summary: It all happened too fast, and in a single second, things changed drastically. So drastically, nothing was ever going to be the same after this. 

Word Count: 2.7K

A/N: Once again I have many things to say. So, different bullets.

Trivia: this was one of the first chapters that I wrote for this story. I’ve been waiting weeks to finally post this. 

More trivia: I wrote this while I was listening to Call of Silence (from aot’s soundrack) on repeat, so, for a more complete experience, listen to it while reading this. 

Im sorry to announce that this story has been on a 2 year hiatus, however, I have the full intention of rewriting this as my writing has impoved a lot in the last two years, and finish the story as well. Sorry for the inconvenience. Also I'm sorry this had to be the last chapter to be posted

Warnings: blood, angst, death. 

Titans were humans. All titans came from humans. And to think such horrible creatures had driven humanity into the edge of extinction.

How did this happen?

Maybe the Royal Family was behind it all. There had been way too many coincidences linking the existence of titans to the Royal family. It all smelled pretty bad. And the chain of events that would take place after that, also ended up pretty bad.

After carrying out some experiments on the titan boy, Eren. Levi knew the government was after this boy along with a girl named Historia. Not long after that, Eren along with another one of the recruits were kidnapped, and then the infamous Kenny made a dramatic entrance; and that’s when hell broke loose.

As you tried to gather with everyone else to escape, bullets rained your way.  

Your heart was beating hard in your ears, as you prayed to anyone who was listening to keep you safe from the bullets raining towards your general direction. Your steps were long, as your lungs felt like they were on fire, and your hand was tightly holding on to Pascal’s. You were running shoulder to shoulder, hoping to make it out alive, at least until the closest wall so you could protect yourself from the bullets and buy you even a couple of seconds.

Your hand was pulled, making your heart stop as you turned around, looking at Pascal as he slowly fell to the ground, his face blank. You opened your mouth to yell deafeningly as adrenaline kicked into your gut stronger than before and you managed to pull Pascal to your arms and carried him.

He was still young, barely 15, and was a generally thin yet healthy kid, so he wasn’t heavy enough to significantly slow you down. The sudden adrenaline boost made you keep running, not realising Levi appeared behind you, dodging the bullets, running towards the guy who was following you and Pascal.

As soon as you realised this, Levi had already sliced the guy’s head off. You kneeled, gently placing Pascal on the ground.

The horror of his eyes carved a whole in your stomach, as you quickly looked down at his wound, placing your hands on his chest, stopping the bleeding, pressing tightly against it.

“You’re going to be okay, kiddo” You said. “Stay with me, Pascal. For fucks sake, stay with me”

He looked at you, as he tried his best to nod, flinching due to his pain. As he breathed you heard a hiss coming out of his mouth whenever he tried to inhale, giving you away a terrible symptom. His lungs were crushing.

“It hurts” You managed to whisper.

“I know it does, baby” You said brushing his hair away from his face. “But you’re going to be fine, everything is going to be fine”

Levi walked towards you, looking at the scene, feeling how his heart began to squeeze slowly. He knew what Pascal meant to you, and he knew how much you meant to the boy. He recalled the bitter memory from when you found your mother dead on the kitchen floor. This was slightly worse for you, since Pascal was breathing his last right before you. Something similar to what Levi lived with your mother.

“I’m scared” Pascal cried, holding on tightly to your wrist, as tears finally fell from your eyes like heavy rain.

“I am too, to be honest. But hey, you’ll be alright. Trust me, kiddo. You will, I promise” You sobbed.

“I love you” He muttered, squeezing your wrist it was almost painful.

“I love you too, kid” You mouthed back at him as he closed his eyes moaning in pain. “Pascal, stay with me!” You said, not knowing what to do. You didn’t have any of your equipment with you, you couldn’t do anything but to keep him from bleeding to death, but not even that could do something, anything against his failing lungs. “Pascal! Don’t you dare leave me, kid. I’ll fucking kill you if you die on me, you hear me?” You yelled angrily, knowing it was useless, still refusing to actually believe it. “Please, kiddo. Please, please, don’t leave me” His grip began to loosen up around your wrist. “No! Pascal” Your voice broke, as tears blurred your sight, making it impossible to see anything. “Pascal. I-I’m so sorry” You cried, leaning towards him, resting your forehead against his chest, breaking down into tears, crying loudly. “I’m so sorry, kid. I-I love you, Pascal” You whined.

“Y/N, we have to go” Levi said walking towards you. “Now”

“I can’t leave him” You whispered between silent sobs.

The whole team gathered around you watching the sad scene, realising at once what had happened to the young boy.

“Y/N, now!” Levi demanded, but you couldn’t hear him over the sound of your heartbeat beating painfully, filling you up with regret.

It was hard for Levi to see you like this, but time was running out. He didn’t have much option but to kneel next to you, wrapping his arms around your torso.

“We must go, I’m not repeating myself again” He said, as you objected, trying to break free from his firm grip, but it was useless. He hugged you tightly, making you stand up, and without thinking it twice, he aimed his ODM gear towards the closest tall building, jumping and taking you with him.

“No! Pascal! I can’t leave him!” You cried, looking back at the boy’s corpse getting further and further away. “I can’t leave him. I-I can’t” You kept crying, as Levi’s heart squeezed from hearing your pain. “I can’t leave him. He needs me”

“He’s gone” Levi answered harshly, hurting himself as much as he hurt you with his words.

“N-no. I-I promised him he’d be alright” you said clinging to Levi. “I promised him” You whispered, feeling like the lump in your throat was asphyxiating you. “I promised Pascal”

Levi’s chest hurt. He did care for the kid. His death, as well as seen you heartbroken made him sore. Worst of it all, making him feel slightly guilty. You cried with our face next to his neck, feeling like you’d just had your heart ripped out of your chest. The pain seemed to get worse as the distance between Pascal and you grew longer.

*

You hid in the woods, inside a small house hidden among the trees. Everyone was generally quiet, knowing you were mourning, and also knowing the boy’s death had also affected Levi, however, he was better at keeping his composure.

You lit a candle for Pascal, and you’d been staring at it, sitting on the small living room, as everyone else gathered in the kitchen table.

“Y/N” Levi called you, walking towards the living room, as you stared attentively at the white candle being slowly consumed. “Dinner’s ready” You didn’t give any sign of hearing him, not a single nod, not a single sound. “Y/N, did you not hear what I just said?”

“Is this how you felt when you found my mother?” Was everything you said. And it made Levi feel like he’d been kicked in the stomach. “Someone you really cared for, dying right before your eyes. Is this how it feels like?”  Your voice was barely audible.

“I’ve been in that same situations several times now…” Levi answered recalling each one of those haunting memories.

“I haven’t” You snapped coldly. “My mom was already dead when I found her. Pascal died right before my eyes…”

“Stop torturing yourself” Levi bellowed “Instead of thinking about the loss, think about what you did. You gave the boy a new start. A roof, a full belly, an education, you gave Pascal a family” For the first time he raised his voice at you, clearly not amused. You were as surprised at this as everyone else, as everyone’s stares were on you two. “Sure, his life was short, but it was a good life. He could’ve also died an orphan from starvation or something worse. You saved his life once. We cannot save every life in danger, do you understand that?”

“I’m a doctor, of course I know that. I am not naive, Levi. It’s just…” You stopped, as tears filled your eyes again. “I’ve seen my family being taken away from me, not once, but twice. I’m beginning to think that maybe I am cursed...What if one of these days I lose you too? I don’t know if I’ll be able to handle that much pain” Your words carved Levi’s skull, it wasn’t just Pascal’s death, but the fear of losing him too. Now he knew why it had affected you so much.

“Nothing will happen to me, Y/N. Don’t be an idiot” Levi responded.

“You don’t know that” You said cleaning your tears with your sleeve, waiting for Levi’s response, but it never happened. “I’m not hungry, thanks” You continued to stare at the candle, hoping that Levi would leave.

“Y/N” He whispered, but you didn’t answer, nor looked at him. “For fucks sake, look at me when I’m talking to you, brat”

Reluctantly you looked at him, your eyes red, tired, mirroring every piece of your shattered heart. Levi extended his hand towards you without saying a single thing. You hesitated at first, but knowing you couldn’t stay mad at him, you grabbed his hand, as he helped you to stand up, and immediately wrapped his arms around you, holding you tightly. Feeling his arms tightly embracing you made your eyes get teary at once, and without any sort of warning, you broke down crying against his shoulder. You sobbed with your face between his neck and shoulder, not being able to control yourself. That hug was the little push you needed to really pour out your feelings. That hug was everything you wanted at the moment. Specially coming from him.

The rest of the team watched, feeling sorry for you, and feeling generally bad for witnessing such a sad moment.

Levi brushed your hair and kissed your head as he kept holding you. After several minutes he broke the hug, and cupped your face in his hands, wiping away the tears.

“Pascal meant a lot to me too, and sure, it hurts. But we have to keep moving forward” Levi said breaking the hug and cupping your face in his hands. “Keep your shit together, because from now, it will only get harsher and worse. But in the end, things will get better”

“You don’t know that for a fact” You chuckled bitterly. “Just let me mourn in peace, just a couple of days...I don’t need more…” Your gaze moved away from Levi’s as you felt bad just by staring at him. 

He was trying to pick up your pieces, and yet you were keeping him from doing so. But you were right, you needed time to mourn Pascal’s death. He’d been with you for seven years. It wasn’t much if you thought about it, but you had seen him grow into someone with potential, and that was already too much.

“Look” Levi sighed deeply “Listen to me when I tell you things will get better. Pascal’s gone, but it’s still not over yet. The best we can do is make his death be worthwhile. So, stay strong, for him, and aim for what you want to achieve, and what he would’ve wanted you to achieve. Don’t let his death be meaningless”

“So what now? We fight?” You whispered breathlessly.

“If we must”

“Then what?”

“We’ll see the sunrise. And it’ll be a different dawn” Levi murmured gently, almost like a soft purr.

Redemption...you thought, as your eyes got teary again, and sobbed.

“I miss him already” You sobbed, closing your eyes.

“I do too, Y/N. Listen to me, things are going to be better, I promise” Levi was getting tired of it all. More than Pascal’s death, was your entire attitude towards the situation.

Sure, he had more experience with death. Many people close to him had died, especially in emergency matters where you can’t stop and mourn, and you’re forced to get on your feet as soon as you fall down.

“How can you promise something like that?”

“It’s going to be hard to keep it, but I will. Once this is over, we can start all over again, you and me...”

The entire team was keeping silence. It was incredibly awkward for them all, but all of them knew they’d be killed right there if any dared to interrupt this complicated moment. Everyone was hearing everything, and each one of them were gawking, not believing they were witnessing Levi’s softer side. Clearly, a side he only showed you. Right now, you were the priority in Levi’s mind, so he didn’t care that everyone was watching. As long as you were okay, he’d feel more at peace with himself and that was important to keep the integrity of the plan intact.

Hange particularly, who’d known Levi for the longest time compared to everyone else. She was first amazed when she found out Levi was capable of falling in love. Her cold stone friend looked so different, starting with the way he was staring at you. Hange had never seen Levi stare at anyone like that.

“Are you even listening to yourself?” You asked Levi upon hearing his declaration.

“Yes, and I mean every word of it” He answered firmly, his eyes glued to yours.

“You don’t know if you’ll regret saying this someday” You chuckled.

“There’s no point in regretting your decision. The best thing you can do is deal with the present, whatever the outcome is. So trust me, no regrets”

“I love you, Levi” You hugged him, burying your face in his shoulder, as he hugged you back briefly, brushing your hair.

“I love you too” Levi said. “Let’s get you to bed, you need to sleep”

“Thank you” You walked towards the only room in the small house, and once inside, you sat on the bed and took off your boots. “Levi”

Levi hummed in response.

“Please don’t put out Pascal’s candle. Let it consume. It’s important to me”

“I won’t. Don’t worry” He said kissing your forehead. “Sleep. I’ll join you in a while”

“Goodnight” You said lying on the bed, not bothering to pull the covers on top of you, and buried your face on the pillow at once, the flashbacks hitting your closed eyes carving your chest.

“Goodnight, Y/N” Levi said turning off the light and closing the door behind him.

Everyone else had finished their dinner, and everyone looked at Levi as he went back to the living room. Levi was aware of it all, but decided to give it no relevance and sit on the free chair in front of Hange.

“I’ll have to head back soon” She said. “D’you mind giving me a minute with Levi?” Hange looked at everyone on the table, as they nodded.

“Wash your dishes” Levi commanded as everyone grabbed their respective glasses and dish and went back to the kitchen.

They murmured softly as they made their way to the kitchen, deciding who’d was all the dishes.

Hange waited for everyone else to leave, as Levi ate his dinner silently. Once they were left alone, she broke the silence.

“I’m sorry about the kid”

Levi looked at her straight in the eye stoically.

“What you said...just now to Y/N”

“What about it?”

“That was very sweet of you to say...about starting a life toge…”

“I’m not as insensitive as you all think I am” Levi cut her off with his usual monotone voice “I am cold, yes. But I have feelings too, you know?”

“I know. I’m just surprised” She sighed. “You love her that much, don’t you?”

“Wasn’t it obvious just now?”

“I’m happy for you, Levi. I really am” Hange said softly, staring into her friend’s eyes.

Hange was very expressive. Specially those huge eyes of hers. And from meeting her stare, Levi could actually feel how Hange felt. And she was telling the truth. Levi felt warm inside, and felt grateful. They stare into each other silently.

“Thank you” Levi finally answered.

~

don’t kill me pls

Tags:  Tags:  @crazyliraz, @simplysushii, @inthefleshme, @brvakout,  @jadav5, @animemanicsp​ @foolsettherulesinthisworld​ @shadow-wolf2

[brightpluto]

doing a 50 questions thing because im bored part 2 (sry to the ppl who follow me)

1] i am simply not having kids

2] yeah all the time 💯

3] thabnks <3

4] nope! i have, however, been told "yeah it's not me it's definitely you" ❤

5] there is nothing for me to personally look forward to anymore i'm just kinda livin life

6] stayed in

7] 5:30 AM ❤

8] idk maybe my fbi agent when i change in front of my laptop 😕 i should start charging him money for that

9] sleeping LMAOOO

10] next question

11] probably?? idk 🌝

12] yeah ❤ heteronormativity at its finest

13] maybe

14] yes :)

15] not really, i can always sense when a breakup is coming so i just get all my mourning done in like one night and act surprised when they break up with me or act like i don't wanna break up with them (i really only missed ONE person but im over him now)

16] no i was in one of the most toxic relationships of my life🌝 lol

17] i dont cry from getting mad i just get violent

18] lol no ive never held hands

19] im gonna act like i've kissed someone (and wanted to or enjoyed it) and say no

20] my parents

21] im assuming this meant out loud but i was ranting to myself about random shit so idk

22] bold of u to assume i know that many people (also no)

23] no

24] depends on who i'm around but for the most part yeah

25] MY LIPS GET CHAPPED SO MUCH OML

26] i didnt

27] yes 💯 nobody by mitski

28] a hug

29] bro i dont get any

30] pain.

31] yes maybe its a neurodivergency thing but it brings me a lot of calm & comfort

32] on thursday my best friend gave me a hug at the end of the school day

33] max

34] i wish u chose me instead of her tbh bc ur relationship ended up being toxic as fuck but i don't have the heart to tell u lol

35] yes all the fucking time

36] how to disappear completely by radiohead

37] everything but we dont have time to unpack ALL of that

38] , , ,,, , , , next question

39] no thats for 6th graders (yes but only when im desperate)

40] THIS QUESTION MADE ME FUCKING PHYSICALLY STAND UP BYE

41] i'm in a qpr so technically taken (im still working out how qprs work but its going well)

42] it's my sister's LOL

43] i'm gonna pretend i've kissed someone and say yes

44] yeah but it wasn't like. a hug, yk??

45] STOPPPPPPP the answer is no

46] idk probably playing bedwars

47] NOT AT ALLLLLL I BECAME A VICTIM 6 MONTHS AGO 🌝

48] my heart says someone else but my trust issues say alone

49] yes

50] i think so. my trust issues r trying to convince me he didn't but i genuinely think he meant it.

Hey send me a # and if you reblog this I'll do the same to you!

1: What would you name your future daughter/son?

2: Do you miss anyone?

3: What if I told you that you were handsome/pretty?

4: Ever been told “it’s not you, it’s me”?

5: What are you looking forward to in the next week?

6: Did you go out or stay in last night?

7: How late did you stay up last night?

8: Honestly, has anyone seen you in your underwear in the past 3 months?

9: What were you doing at 12:30 this afternoon?

10: Have you ever told somebody you loved them and not actually meant it?

11: Could you go for the rest of your life without drinking alcohol?

12: Have you pretended to like someone?

13: Could you go the rest of your life without smoking a cigarette?

14: Is there one person in your life that can always make you smile?

15: Is it hard for you to get over someone?

16: Think back five months ago, were you single?

17: Have you ever cried from being so mad?

18: Hold hands with anyone this week?

19: Did your last kiss take place in/on a bed?

20: Who did you last see in person?

21: What is the last thing you said out lot?

22: Have you kissed three or more people in one night?

23: Have you ever been to Paris?

24: Are you good at hiding your feelings?

25: Do you use chap stick?

26: Who did you last share a bed with?

27: Are you listening to music right now?

28: What is something you currently want right now?

29: Were your last three kisses from the same person?

30: How is your heart lately?

31: Do you wear the hood on your hoodie?

32: When was the last time a member of the opposite sex hugged you?

33: What do people call you?

34: Have you ever wanted to tell someone something but didn’t?

35: Are there any stressful situations in your life?

36: What are you listening to right now?

37: What is wrong with you right now?

38: Love really is a beautiful thing huh?

39: Do you make wishes at 11:11?

40: What is on your wrists right now?

41: Are you single/taken/heartbroken/confused/waiting for the unexpected?

42: Where did you get the shirt/sweatshirt you’re wearing?

43: Have you ever regretted kissing someone?

44: Have you hugged someone within the last week?

45: Have you kissed anyone in the last five days?

46: What were you doing at midnight last night?

47: Do you miss the way things were six months ago?

48: Would you rather sleep with someone else or alone?

49: Have you ever been to New York?

50: Think of the last person who said I love you, do you think they meant it?