#Neil Breen Text

[astralbondpro]

All Neil Breen films are perplexing while you're watching it.

Yet, I've found when I contemplate them for a bit, I get it. In Neil Breen's twisted way, I understand – or at least have convinced myself that I do.

But with Cade: The Tortured Crossing? I don't have a fucking clue what he was trying to say. I don't want to spoil anything more than the gifs I make do, but... I got next to nothing.

[nerendus]

POV: Gehrman discovering Maria's corpse in the Astral Clocktower

[britneyshakespeare]

i don’t see what the point is in remaking the room

[neonstatic]

[ID: Block of text that reads: "It finally happened! The day that we received a package from Breen was the best day since the pandemic started. The slim package that arrived in our mailbox was like a little slice of heaven sent to us from above. A simple mailer that held the truth of which we sought. Cinema. Kino. Joy. I looked at the package, my brow sweating with anticipation. I pursed my lips as I often do in the delicious moments before sipping an ice cold beer. This was just as good. Maybe better. The mailer was that of a simple man. It wasn't a fancy mailer. It wasn't padded nor did it have a design on it. In fact, the mailer the DVD arrived in was a cut up cereal box held together with duct tape. I smiled and whispered to myself, "That's the cup of a carpenter…". It was here. We received the new Neil Breen film. Was this a Blu-ray? No. This was a DVD-R burned on a computer. I smelled the disc and the jewel case. It smelled like 2003. I cried at the beauty of the whole embarrassing ordeal. It was like a hug from an old friend who had long since passed. A friend you never wanted to see again or allow to hug you. In my hand I held the new Neil Breen film. I couldn't wait to show the guys! I called Colin from Canada and told him to run to RLM HQ right quick to watch the film with us. He said, "oh, I've already seen it. It's terrible." And I called him a poutine-slurping, caesar-sipping canuck fuck and told him to get down here to Wisconsin right quick. He responded by saying, "I've got work and I'm watching my elderly neighbors diabetic cats and…" I just cut him off. I said, "Look you fucking prick, I have it. Let's watch it!" So he did come down, albeit unwillingly. What are Neil Breen films? They are moopies made by a man who is the weirdest man to ever live. He's the perfect oblivious filmmaker. Never getting better or evolving, only getting worse and more lazy and more old and more grandpa jeans. Neil Breen's films are always about a loner man that has special skills or knowledge above all other humans. There is often a babe involved in his films, although the sexuality is awkwardly placed and seems forced. The women usually look incredibly uncomfortable at the notion of being in love or even attracted to Neil Breen. Likewise, any romance on his part seems obligatory. I guess the thought is that a movie needs "romance" so he must add "romance" But he's no James Bond! Since this was Breen, we assumed this was worthy of a Best of the Worst Spotlight" episode. It couldn't simply be lumped into a regular three movie episode. Boy, were we fucking wrong. This pile of trash couldn't have been more disappointing. Breen has gone too far this time with the green screens! Who does he think he is!?! Peter Jackson? George Lucas? James Cameron?!? I mean, sure you can use a green screen sometimes… if you're making a fucking Avengers movie!!! But come on! Literally every background, outdoor location, and room is a stock image. A flat shot without movement. I can say that at the very least in some shots he created a foreground mask to make characters integrated into the frame by putting them behind objects, but really? While the story sucks, the acting is bad, it's boring and shitty, it's still a Neil Breen film and we have to love it as if it was our own cross-eyed inbred baby with no limbs.

Anyways, while I have you here, I own a timeshare in the Cayman Islands. It's in a nice part of town, but it's basically a 1.6 million dollar shack. One of the owners killed himself recently and now I'm stuck with paying his part due to a legal snafu. I don't quite understand it, but my lawyer Phillip Gorlon (no relation) tells me it'll cost me more in legal fees to get out of this timeshare than to just keep it. I tells him that I'm strapped for cash at the moment, what with the cost of eggs, covid tests, etc.. so my question to you is: Do you think Neil Breen might want to shoot his next film in the Cayman Islands? There's lots of beach (of course) some very interesting shooting locations and a lovely Indian restaurant called Southern Spice that has agreed to do catering, I can lease my place for $42,000 a day and his next film can be called "Island Crossing: Cade's Offshore Bank Account Scam" and it'll be a rip-roaring island adventure film about a man who travels to the Cayman Islands to find his lost love, but discovers corruption and injustice and fights for the people with the help of the A.I. chip in his brain. Best thing is if Breen did a Kickstarter for…. Let's say 1.6 million that could also cover what I'd charge in "insurance" for him to shoot in my Cayman Islands palatial estate. Just throwing that out there. I think the film would come out amazing and there's be very little green screen. But there's be lots of green for me if you know what I mean! Then I can finally dump this shitty timeshare property after stupid Rolando put a shotgun in his mouth. What a fucker. I mean, whose wife ISN'T having an affair in today's economy! - Krebs Gorlon." End ID]

they should invent a Pulitzer category for YouTube descriptions and give it to Mike Stoklasa every year

[sbnkalny]

Breen. Why has it been in the hurricane winds generated from how fast I was tackling knocked down my entire body feels hot and bubbly.  let set 20 minutes later the burger king fries on a dashboard underneath the abandoned Lab in Uru, these eggs will remain in the history of my resume and I Am going to find out Why

[yunessa]

9 Things

Three ships:

Yunessa/ Daeran- A one sided affection at first becomes a much deeper relationship. Two people who used to live everyday as though it were their last without caring for tomorrow, find that a tomorrow is possible with the other at their side. A very slowburn relationship where two people become better.

Last Song:

Attack of the Hipster Zombies

Last Movie:

I can't recall the last movie I watched. I watch reviews though. Cinemasnob's reviw of the latest Neil Breen movie, if that counts?

Currently Reading:

Castle of Deception, by Mercedes Lackey and Josepha Sherman

Currently Watching:

I'm not a big Tv or movies sort so the last one I finished watching was "What we do in the Shadows". I know there's a lot out there, I just don't have much interest in sitting down to watch TV.

Currently Eating:

Sour candy

Currently Craving:

Coffee

Favorite Color:

Grey

Favorite Flavor:

I don't know if I have one, it shifts so much.

Current Obsession:

TWD: Saints and Sinners 2 VR game.

Last thing I googled:

"Text of original complaint to Ea-Nasir"

Favorite season:

Autumn and winter. Give me cold, give me snow!

Skill I’d like to learn:

Playing a piano, painting

Tagged by @spyridonya and @dujour13

[oddlyhale]

(new episode spoilers)

Bruh what in the Neil Breen is this bullshit?

I must of been reading so much YA books with hints of religious text that this feels like another badly handled one.

Not even sad, just sitting here wondering if they had nothing else to fume off of so they went down the weirdest route to manipulate my emotions. Welp, not falling for it, lameos.

[ogradyfilm]

Nothing, Forever: The Automatization of “Content”

[The following essay exaggerates my opinions for comedic effect; please don’t take it too seriously.]

Back in high school, I wrote a short story about a dystopian future in which every film was produced by a sophisticated artificial intelligence; provided with a prompt consisting only of a brief synopsis, a genre, and an intended demographic, the program would utilize advanced CGI to generate the sort of cookie cutter, paint-by-numbers media that greedy, unimaginative corporate executives adore: popular, profitable, and utterly predictable. The plot wasn’t particularly well developed, but the premise still intrigued sixteen-year-old me; what, after all, could be more terrible than the demise of art?

Last week, my brother texted me a link to a Twitch stream entitled Nothing, Forever. At first glance, it appeared to be a crudely animated parody of Seinfeld, distilling the show’s trademark inane, mundane conversations into absurd, incoherent non sequiturs. A bit of research, however, revealed the horrifying truth: Nothing, Forever is the product of an A.I. futilely laboring to understand and mimic the intricacies of humor (reminiscent of how such "esteemed auteurs” of trash cinema as Tommy Wiseau, James Nguyen, and Neil Breen struggle to comprehend and replicate the idiosyncrasies of human behavior*)—an automated sitcom broadcast in real time for (theoretically) eternity**.

My nightmare has invaded reality.

There are, of course, limitations to what the technology can currently accomplish. Bugs and glitches abound: characters frequently respond to their own questions, and on at least one occasion, the ersatz “Jerry” model failed to materialize during a comedy club scene, resulting in an awkwardly prolonged shot of an empty stage. Nevertheless, this primitive attempt at mechanized storytelling clearly demonstrates that the concept I created in Mrs. Doxey’s classroom—which was meant to be purely figurative, a satirical metaphor for the gradual erosion of self-expression as entertainment becomes increasingly commodified—is now unnervingly plausible.

*Despite this superficial similarity, Nothing, Forever is sorely lacking in the personality, ambition, and genuine passion evident in The Room, Birdemic: Shock and Terror, and Fateful Findings—incompetently crafted masterpieces that will endure in pop culture for decades to come, while watchmeforever’s disposable “content”—designed by an algorithm to be thoughtlessly consumed and discarded ad infinitum—will ultimately fade into obscurity as new “innovations” render it obsolete.

**Ironically, the channel hosting Nothing, Forever has been temporarily banned (as of February 6, 2023) after an alleged scripting error caused the program to inadvertently generate transphobic comments—which coincidentally parallels one of the major twists in my dystopian sci-fi narrative. Apparently, I am cursed with the gift of prophecy.

[carideatheecreative]

[plain text: Neil Breen has uploaded his entire filmography to Archive.org. End plain text.]

Neil Breen has uploaded his entire filmography to Archive.org

[dashboardcat]

Neil Breen and I are kindred spirits, you can tell by our double denim ensembles

-My canadian tuxesoed ass

[astralbondpro]

Personally, I feel like Neil Breen has been self aware since after Double Down.

But, I also don't give a shit? I'm happy to plead blissful ignorance at this point.

[sloshed-cinema]

Inferno (2016)

If The Da Vinci Code and Angels & Demons certainly put in the old college try, Inferno is truly the apotheosis of convenient plot contrivance.  Not only does Robert encounter a series of ancient puzzles which once again evade centuries of scholarly thought until he pops along, but he also has amnesia.  Any handy details about his past (or what is coffee) can be told to him at exactly the precise moment.  A little shady, you say?  Well, don’t worry, because the movie and its source novel have a reason!  The puzzles were made using convenient existing pieces of art by a dumb billionaire sociopath who took days to make a puzzle his equally crazy girlfriend solved in minutes!  And the sequence of betrayals, missed connections, and paranoia?  Well, of course it was all created by a company you can apparently pay to organize full-on improv troupe productions to accomplish a goal, stunts and modifications to city infrastructure included!  All of this makes perfect sense and is totally okay!  THE WORLD HEALTH ORGANIZATION CONTROLS THE SKIIIIIES!

In a way, this is the biggest disappointment of the bunch.  Sure, the other two were dumb and goofy.  But this one had the potential to be a full-on schlock masterpiece.  Incredibly dated main title graphic design and a weirdly early ‘00s overall aesthetic?  A bag full of magical virus goo that will basically recreate Thanos’ Infinity Gauntlet plan once it bursts in Istanbul, a city that so many fucking people visit everyone’s gonna die soon after its release?  A man haunted by hellish nightmare visions as he struggles to recall his past all while trotting across Italy and the Near East?  Insane character swings, people convinced to completely change direction by a single line?  A dumb internal logic that completely critic-proofs the entire stupid plot?  Had this been directed by Roger Corman or, god forbid, Neil Breen, I would have wept for joy.  But instead we get status quo extraordinaire Ron Howard.

THE RULES

SIP

Someone says ‘plague’.

A city gets name-dropped.

Langdon reacts badly to noise or light.

Location-establishing text.

BIG DRINK

Langdon can’t remember something specific.

Something convenient happens to help our protagonists.

[bunnyandbirb]

Birb’s B-Movies #2: Pass Thru

Neil Breen is a truly visionary actor/producer/director/writer/editor, and the owner of Neil Breen Films, LLC. You may know him from his previous works, Double Down and I am Here….Now. My favorite masterpiece of his is undoubtedly Fateful Findings, the science fiction drama where Neil plays a magical hacker who exposes all “the most secret government and corporate secrets.”

In preparation for his upcoming film, Twisted (set to release in 2018), I decided to sit down and watch the one film that I’ve never seen: Pass Thru (2016) and trust me, this is a work of pure Breenius. The website for the movie describes the movie as such:

“Artificial Intelligence from far into the future arrives to immediately CLEANSE the human species of millions of humans who are harmful to other humans. A VISIONARY, REVOLUTIONARY FILM which pushes the human species to the limits of controversial, thought-provoking actions.”

I have to admit, this is probably the most confusing Breen movie I’ve seen to date (and that’s really saying something.) I honestly don’t even remember the names of any of the characters, but that hardly matters. It has a very similar message to his other films, which he makes sure to hammer into your head so that even if you don’t understand the plot, at least you end up with something. We’ll get into that near the end, though.

The movie starts with overly long mountain/desert landscape shots that were probably taken an hour away from his house, since he lives near Las Vegas. Then something strange happens.

There’s a rock with white paintings on it, and suddenly a giant ginseng root-looking “hand” comes out and delicately prods the paintings with a stick. It then cuts to a random tiger chilling on a cliff above, and then immediately cuts again to two pristine clocks by the rock with some shitty black smoke effect crawling across the screen.

I don’t even get a chance to try to comprehend what these things mean before another series of confusing imagery: walking legs, a girl in her room reading about space, some old man just sitting in the desert with magazines, and then Neil Breen himself, picking up what looks like trash from a party he threw the other night. A red dot appears in the sky, and finally we get our first real dialogue of the film.

It is at this time that I have the horrible realization that everyone in this movie has received thorough direction from Neil Breen on how to read lines off a script. Each syllable is robotically intonated, each word spoken unnaturally slowly and with an awkward pause… nothing anyone says in this movie sounds real. Breen was debatably the worst actor in Fateful Findings, and it seems like he tried really hard to get everyone on his level this time.

Three kids (names unknown) sit around in a room, and the boy has somehow found the red sky dot (which is apparently some kind of signal.) The two girls try to sound excited but somehow manage to sound even more apathetic as they raise their voices. The boy goes from “I’m following the signal!” to “I lost the signal” in literally one second, so I guess he just sucks.

The next few minutes of this movie are just pure chaos. Each scene is somehow too short and at the same time way too long, and the sequence that they’re placed in just makes zero sense whatsoever. Let me just run through them (keep in mind, these are in chronological order):

Neil Breen lies in a pile of his own filth in his trailer.

Neil Breen lies outside in the dirt while some faceless man with a gun pays him to clean up the evidence of a ‘smuggling site’ (i.e. Gatorade bottles and soup cans.)

Some “immigrants” (who just look like tourists) are led through a ravine

Neil Breen wakes up in the dirt with the garbage still around him, finds a dirty syringe and injects it into his arm. He then dies and we get this great special effect: 

The nameless boy calls one of the girls and then proceeds to have an entire conversation by himself. 

A random hand bleeds while it touches barbed wire.

I was confused enough at this point, but then I kept watching and realized that the entire movie is edited like this. Let it be known that I tried three times to write this post while reformatting the events of the story to make them more clear, but it was actually impossible. So instead of trying again, I’m just going to run through the four most hilarious parts of the movie. Honestly, you wouldn’t understand the plot even if I gave more information than this, so to hell with it.

1. The Great Immigration

One plotline involves a group of “immigrants” who are being herded along by human traffickers. The “immigrants” all act like a bunch of middle schoolers on a boring field trip (and are dressed similarly), and are constantly whining: “Where are we going?” “Why do we have to walk so far?” “Stop yelling at us.” The human smugglers in the movie are incredibly incompetent at both smuggling and acting, which makes every one of these scenes a pleasure to watch.

The traffickers filter through the immigrants, stopping a few who happen to be hiding plastic baggies (of what looks like cocaine) under their shirts.) One of them is a woman who is pretending to be pregnant, and is clearly not an actor because she can’t stop smiling in what (I’m assuming) is supposed to be a serious situation. They line up these baggies and start handing them out, designating who they’re going to: lawyers, bankers, “the CEO”, etc. Basically all the people Breen talks shit about in every movie he makes.

Their leader shoots some woman and a kid because she “has absolutely no VALUE for you two on the STREETS.” (Uh, lady, you’re in a desert.) Two of the women manage to escape, even as a man shoots at them at point blank range four times (and apparently misses each time.) Nobody bothers to go after them. The rest of the immigrants are “trapped” in a truck and they all freak out because they clearly cannot escape:

2. Neil Breen cleaning up his house

The two women that escaped from the traffickers stumble into Neil Breen’s trailer, and he invites them to stay with him. For some reason, the women yell everything they say even when they’re standing right next to each other. Also, they vehemently don’t want to stay with him - can’t blame them, really.

In order to convince them to stay, Breen insists that he will “clean it” for them. No words can explain the beauty of this scene, so I have to just show you the clip:

3. Neil Breen “isn’t that corrupt”

Coming to the end of the movie, it’s revealed that Breen is actually an alien artificial intelligence (who has a name, but hell if I remember that much). His mission is to just kill all the humans that he doesn’t like. Okay, he actually said those who “cause harm to other humans,” but isn’t that technically every living human? Whatever, I will not question our lord and savior Neil Breen.

Breen teleports into mansions and inserts himself into conversations with the people that he shit talks all the time (i.e. lawyers, Big Pharma, government officials, bankers, etc. etc.) and just makes everything awkward.

Here’s a transcript of an actual conversation:

A: “I know senior, national elected government officials who I can force my political... *insert pause where she forgets her lines*... bias and influence on fellow politicians to vote my way, for a payoff of course.”

Breen: “ISN’T THAT CORRUPT?”

Everyone: …….

[Breen looks away as everyone else stares at him.]

B: “I know companies that can hack into any government national agency or corporate facility. For the right price, you can get any information that you want. And they don’t need to know why or your reason. These places are so vulnerable and unprotected, and there is no way they can keep up with the technology.”

Breen: “ISN’T THAT CORRUPT?”

Everyone: ……..

This same exact conversation repeats itself until Breen decides to leave, and then the people are like, “Who the fuck was that guy?”

Breen teleports in front of the mansion, fades out of his tuxedo and into his regular janitor clothes, and then waddles away as shitty explosion effects happen in the background.

“If it can be destroyed by the truth, it deserves to be destroyed by the truth,” he says. I’m pretty sure those were not ‘truth explosions,’ but you do you, Neil.

4. The Newsroom and Neil Breen

After that shitshow, Neil decides to make his big move by appearing on some news channel to make his traditional monologue. Throughout the movie, the news anchors have been reporting some very interesting news. Serious criminals, lawyers, bank management, and even accountants have mysteriously vanished overnight.  According to one of the hosts, “It’s as if all the harmful people on Earth are disappearing.” Oh, he also mentioned that “Ignorant reality shows about families, housewives, groups, individuals… those casts are all gone.” So I guess Breen is now lumping the Kardashians with corrupt government officials on his ‘Evil People’ list.”

Neil shows up uninvited onto the news broadcast, and the hosts rightfully call out for security guards. Breen fires back with, “You won’t need security. You’re gone.”

And so they are:

I won’t even try to recount all of the nonsense the Neil says in his speech, but here are the some select quotes:

“I am not of this Earth. I am artificial intelligence from FAR into the future.”

“Human evolution has ended, and there can be no further advancement.”

“I have eliminated 300 million humans from the planet today”

“Violate laws and regulations”

Breen also really loves listing things, as can be witnessed in this single speech.

Neil Breen lists the things he hates (in order within the speech):

Illegal wars

The abuse of the media systems

Films

TV

Radio

The Internet

Violence

Corruption

Political correctness

Fear of the truth

Excuses

Second chances

Third chances

Warnings

Sympathy

Cheats

Thieves

Criminals

Abusers

Corrupters

Dishonest humans

Abusers of:

Other humans

The planet

The environment

Children & animals

Violence

Corruption

Corporate corruption

Failed political systems

Failed judicial systems

Failed educational systems

Failed environmental systems

There are a lot of other hilarious things in this movie aside from these moments.

 Like seriously, what the hell is this:

But I won’t get into any more of the gems from this film, because this has already gone on long enough. Watch it yourself to experience them all.

I’ll be looking forward to Twisted, Neil!

~Stay tuned for nonsense~

- birb

[shoreabove-moved]

@euphoriabled​ → annie edison.

[📱→Britta] Abed accidentally ate three bars of my caffeinated chocolate and now he's threatening to make me watch every Neil Breen film in succession. Please call me and make up an excuse for why I have to leave! I think he can smell fear!!

                      her phone buzzes against her leg, and britta’s eyes are quick to scan the screen as she takes in the text from annie. ( briefly, her intrusive thoughts have to wonder who the hell gave someone like annie caffeinated chocolate, but she’s quick to scold herself. that’s a question for later. )

                      so, instead, she unlocks her phone and calls annie up, pitching her voice lower to sell the act of someone in distress. she’s not shocked when it barely goes beyond one ring, and annie’s voice is crystal clear on the other line, though still laced with initial worry and panic. typical annie.

                      ❛ -- uh, hello, ❜ she starts, gruff demeanor matching her words as her brows furrow. ❛ this is your... doctor. and i’m calling you to inform you about... doctor stuff. ❜ there’s a beat -- and jeff blanks at her from across the table, but britta shushes him as she turns away. ❛ you’re in danger, annie! you need to... come to the doctor’s office and leave your apartment immediately! your life depends on it! ❜

[sbnkalny]

Yesterday all life's troubles seemed so accustomed to spending time with my dad called him a pig lizard sounds like a bad dude, though. maybe should give him... this! *hands you thousands of people, and you Aren’t even a person emotionaly?

[weedlord-vegeta]

I-might-have-a-boyfriend-now update:

He’s made me watch all of the Indiana Jones movies, but I made him watch all of the Neil Breen movies and he texted me some Neil Breen valentines he made?