#Near Death Experiences

[promptsforyourwhumpfic]

Whump Prompt #1302

The whole ‘limbo moment where the whumpee sees a dead loved one who tells them they have to stay alive etc’ is touching and all, but what if the loved one was more aggressive?

Whumpee: “Am I dead? [Loved One] it’s so good to see you - I’ve missed you so mu-“

Loved One: “What on earth do you think you’re playing at? Get the hell back down there!”

Whumpee: “But- but it’s so painful.”

Loved One: *slaps whumpee*

Whumpee: “The hell was that for?!”

Loved One: “And now it hurts up here. Get back down there, you idiot, you’ve got people waiting for you. I’ll still be here when your time comes.”

[thebardostate]

Is the Brain a Driver or a Steering Wheel?

This three part series summarizes what science knows, or thinks it knows, about consciousness. In Part 1 What Does Quantum Physics Imply About Consciousness? we looked at why several giants in quantum physics - Schrodinger, Heisenberg, Von Neumann and others - believed consciousness is fundamental to reality. In Part 2 Where Does Consciousness Come From? we learned the "dirty little secret" of neuroscience: it still hasn't got a clue how electrical activity in the brain results in consciousness.

In this concluding part of the series we will look at how a person can have a vivid conscious experience even when their brain is highly dysfunctional. These medically documented oddities challenge the materialist view that the brain produces consciousness.

Before proceeding, let's be clear what what is meant by "consciousness". For brevity, we'll keep things simple. One way of looking at consciousness is from the perspective of an outside observer (e.g., "conscious organisms use their senses to notice differences in their environment and act on their goals.") This outside-looking-in view is called behavioral consciousness (aka psychological consciousness). The other way of looking at it is the familiar first-person perspective of what it feels like to exist; this inside-looking-out view is called phenomenal consciousness (Barušs, 2023). This series is only discussing phenomenal consciousness.

Ready? Let’s go!

Source: Caltech Brain Imaging Center

A Hole in the Head

Epilepsy is a terrible disease in which electrical storms in the brain trigger seizures. For some people these seizures are so prolonged and frequent that drastic action is needed to save their lives. One such procedure is called a hemispherectomy, the removal or disconnection of half the brain. Above is an MRI image of a child who has undergone the procedure.

You might think that such radical surgery would profoundly alter the memory, personality, and cognitive abilities of the patient.

You would be wrong. One child who underwent the procedure at age 5 went on to attend college and graduate school, demonstrating above average intelligence and language abilities despite removal of the left hemisphere (the zone of the brain typically identified with language.) A study of 58 children from 1968 to 1996 found no significant long-term effects on memory, personality or humor, and minimal changes in cognitive function after hemispherectomy.

You might think that, at best, only a child could successfully undergo this procedure. Surely such surgery would kill an adult?

You would be wrong again. Consider the case of Ahad Israfil, an adult who suffered an accidental gunshot to the head and successfully underwent the procedure to remove his right cerebral hemisphere. Amazingly, after the five hour operation he tried to speak and went on to regain a large measure of functionality - and even earn a degree - although he did require use of a wheelchair afterwards.

Another radical epilepsy procedure, a corpus collosotomy, leaves the hemispheres intact but severs the connections between them. For decades it was believed that these split-brain patients developed divided consciousness, but more recent research disputes this notion. Researchers found that, despite physically blocking all neuronal communication between the two hemispheres, the brain somehow still maintains a single unified consciousness. How it manages this feat remains a complete mystery. Recent research on how psychedelic drugs affect the brain hints that the brain might have methods other than biochemical agents for internal communication, although as yet we haven't an inkling as to what those might be.

So what's the smallest scrape of brain you need to live? Consider the case of a 44-year-old white collar worker, married with two children and with an IQ of 75. Two weeks after noticing some mild weakness in one leg the man went to see his doctor. The doc ordered a routine MRI scan of the man's cranium, and this is what it showed.

Source: The Lancet

What you are seeing here is a giant empty cavity where most of the patient's brain should be. Fully three quarters of his brain volume is missing, most likely due to a bout of hydrocephalus he experienced when he was six months old.

Artist: Tom Wright

Last Words

Many unusual phenomena have been observed as life draws to an end. We're going to look at two deathbed anomalies that have neurological implications.

The first is terminal lucidity, sometimes called paradoxical lucidity. First studied in 2009, terminal lucidity refers to the spontaneous return of lucid communication in patients who were no longer thought to be medically capable of normal verbal communication due to irreversible neurological deterioration (e.g., Alzheimers, meningitis, Parkinson's, strokes.) Here are three examples:

A 78-year-old woman, left severely disabled and unable to speak by a stroke, spoke coherently for the first time in two years by asking her daughter and caregiver to take her home. She died later that evening.

A 92-year-old woman with advanced Alzheimer’s disease hadn’t recognized her family for years, but the day before her death, she had a pleasantly bright conversation with them, recalling everyone’s name. She was even aware of her own age and where she’d been living all this time.

A young man suffering from AIDS-related dementia and blinded by the disease who regained both his lucidity and apparently his eyesight as well to say farewell to his boyfriend and caregiver the day before his death.

Terminal lucidity has been reported for centuries. A historical review found 83 case reports spanning the past 250 years. It was much more commonly reported in the 19th Century (as a sign that death was near, not as a phenomenon in its own right) before the materialist bias in the medical profession caused a chilling effect during the 20th Century. Only during the past 15 years has any systematic effort been made to study this medical anomaly. As a data point on its possible prevalence a survey of 45 Canadian palliative caregivers found that 33% of them had witnessed at least one case of terminal lucidity within the past year. Other surveys found have that the rate of prevalence is higher if measured over a longer time window than one year, suggesting that, while uncommon, terminal lucidity isn't particularly rare.

Terminal lucidity is difficult to study, in part because of ethical challenges in obtaining consent from neurocompromised individuals, and in part because its recent identification as a research topic presents delineation problems. However, the promise of identifying new neurological pathways in the brains of Alzheimer's and Parkinson's patients has gotten a lot of attention. In 2018 the US National Institute on Aging (NIA) announced two funding opportunites to advance this nascent science.

Due to the newness of this topic there will continue be challenges with the data for some time to come. However, its impact on eyewitnesses is indisputably profound.

Artist: Tom Wright

Near Death Experiences

The second deathbed anomaly we will take a look at are Near-Death Experiences (NDEs.) These are extraordinary and deeply personal psychological experiences that typically (but not always) occur during life-threatening emergencies such as cardiac arrest, falls, automobile accidents, or other traumatic events; they are also occasionally reported during general anesthesia. Much of the research in this area has focused on cardiac arrest cases because these patients are unconscious and have little to no EEG brain wave activity, making it difficult to account for how the brain could sustain the electrical activity needed to perceive and remember the NDE. This makes NDEs an important edge case for consciousness science.

NDEs are surprisingly common. A 2011 study published by the New York Academy of Sciences estimated that over 9 million people in the United States have experienced an NDE. Multiple studies have found that around 17% of cardiac arrest survivors report an NDE.

There is a remarkable consistency across NDE cases, with experiencers typically reporting one or more of the following:

The sensation of floating above their bodies watching resuscitation efforts, sometimes able to recall details of medical procedures and ER/hallway conversations they should not have been aware of;

Heightened sensations, including cases of blind people who report the ability to "see" during the NDE;

Extremely rapid mental processing;

The perception of passing through something like a tunnel;

A hyper-vivid life review, described by many experiencers as "more real than real";

Transcendent visions of an afterlife;

Encounters with deceased loved ones, sometimes including people the experiencer didn’t know were dead; and

Encounters with spiritual entities, sometimes in contradiction to their personal belief systems.

Of particular interest is a type of NDE called a veridical NDE. These are NDEs in which the experiencer describes independently verifiable events occurring during the period when they had minimal or no brain activity and should not have been perceived, let alone remembered, if the brain were the source of phenomenal consciousness. These represent about 48% of all NDE accounts (Greyson 2010). Here are a few first-hand NDE reports.

A 62-year-old aircraft mechanic during a cardiac arrest (from Sabom 1982, pp. 35, 37)

A 23-year-old crash-rescue firefighter in the USAF caught by a powerful explosion from a crashed B-52 (from Greyson 2021, pg. 27-29)

An 18-year-old boy describes what it was like to nearly drown (from the IANDS website)

There are thousands more first person NDE accounts published by the International Association for Near-Death Studies and at the NDE Research Foundation. The reason so many NDE accounts exist is because the experience is so profound that survivors often feel compelled to write as a coping method. Multiple studies have found that NDEs are more often than not life-changing events.

A full discussion of NDEs is beyond the scope of this post. For a good general introduction, I highly recommend After: What Near-Death Experiences Reveal about Life and Beyond by Bruce Greyson, MD (2021).

The Materialist Response

Materialists have offered up a number of psychological and physiological models for NDEs, but none of them fits all the data. These include:

People's overactive imaginations. Sabom (1982) was a skeptical cardiologist who set out to prove this hypothesis by asking cardiac arrest survivors who did not experience NDEs to imagine how the resuscitation process worked, then comparing those accounts with the veridical NDE accounts. He found that the veridical NDE accounts were highly accurate (0% errors), whereas 87% of the imagined resuscitation procedures contained at least one major error. Sabom became convinced that NDEs are real. His findings were replicated by Holden and Joesten (1990) and Sartori (2008) who reviewed veridical NDE accounts in hospital settings (n = 93) and found them to be 92% completely accurate, 6% partially accurate, and 1% completely inaccurate.

NDEs are just hallucinations or seizures. The problem here is that hallucinations and seizures are phenomena with well-defined clinical features that do not match those of NDEs. Hallucinations are not accurate descriptions of verifiable events, but veridical NDEs are. Also, it would be extraordinary to say the least that so many people would be hallucinating in similar ways.

NDEs are the result of electrical activity in the dying brain. The EEGs of experiencers in cardiac arrest show that no well-defined electrical activity was occurring that could have supported the formation or retention of memories during the NDE. These people were unconscious and should not have remembered anything.

NDEs are the product of dream-like or REM activity. Problem: many NDEs occur under general anesthesia, which suppresses dreams and REM activity. So this explanation cannot be correct.

NDEs result from decreased oxygen levels in the brain. Two problems here: 1) The medical effects of oxygen deprivation are well known, and they do not match the clinical presentation of NDEs. 2) The oxygen levels of people in NDEs (e.g., during general anesthesia) has been shown to be the same or greater than people who didn’t experience NDEs.

NDEs are the side effects of medications or chemicals produced in the brain (e.g. ketamine or DMT). The problem here is that people who are given medications in hospital settings tend to report fewer NDEs, not more; and drugs like ketamine have known effects that are not observed in NDEs. The leading advocate for the ketamine model conceded after years of research that ketamine does not produce NDEs (Greyson 2021, pg. 110).

Summing Up

In coming to the end of this series, let's sum up what we discussed.

Consciousness might be wired into the physical universe at fundamental level, as an integral part of quantum mechanics. Certainly several leading figures in physics thought so - Schrodinger, Heisenberg, Von Neumann, and more recently Nobel Laureate Roger Penrose and Henry Stapp.

Materialist propaganda notwithstanding, neuroscience is no closer to identifying Neural Correlates of Consciousness (NCCs) than it was when it started. The source of consciousness remains one of the greatest mysteries in science.

Meanwhile, medical evidence continues to pile up that there is something deeply amiss with the materialist assumption that consciousness is produced by the brain. In a sense, the challenge that NDEs and Terminal Lucidity pose to consciousness science is analogous to the challenge that Dark Matter poses to physics, in that they suggest that the mind-brain identity model of classic materialist psychology may need to be rethought to adequately explain these phenomena.

Ever since the Greeks, science has sought to explain nature entirely in physical terms, without invoking theism. It has been spectacularly successful - particularly in the physical sciences - but at the cost of excluding consciousness along with the gods (Nagel, 2012). What I have tried to do in this series is to show that a very credible argument can be made that materialism has the arrow of causality backwards: the brain is not the driver of consciousness, it's the steering wheel.

I don't think we are yet ready to say what consciousness is. Much more research is needed. I'm not making the case for panpsychism, for instance - but I do think consciousness researchers need to throw off the assumption drag of materialism before they're going to make any real progress.

It will be up to you, the scientists of tomorrow, to make those discoveries. That's why I'm posting this to Tumblr rather than an academic journal; young people need to hear what's being discovered, and the opportunities that these discoveries represent for up and coming scientists.

Never has Planck's Principle been more apt: science advances one funeral at a time.

Good luck.

For Further Reading

Barušs, Imants & Mossbridge, Julia (2017). Transcendent Mind: Rethinking the Science of Consciousness. American Psychological Association, Washington DC.

Barušs, Imants (2023). Death as an Altered State of Consciousness: A Scientific Approach. American Psychological Association, Washington DC.

Batthyány, Alexander (2023). Threshold: Terminal Lucidity and the Border of Life and Death. St. Martin's Essentials, New York.

Becker, Carl B. (1993). Paranormal Experience and Survival of Death. State University of New York Press, Albany NY.

Greyson, Bruce (2021). After: A Doctor Explores What Near-Death Experiences Reveal about Life and Beyond. St. Martin's Essentials, New York.

Kelly, Edward F.; Kelly, Emily Williams; Crabtree, Adam; Gauld, Alan; Grosso, Michael; & Greyson, Bruce (2007). Irreducible Mind: Toward a Psychology for the 21st Century. Rowman & Littlefield, New York.

Moody, Raymond (1975). Life After Life. Bantam/Mockingbird, Covington GA.

Moreira-Almeida, Alexander; de Abreu Costa, Marianna; & Coelho, Humberto S. (2022). Science of Life After Death. Springer Briefs in Psychology, Cham Switzerland.

Penfield, Wilder (1975). Mystery of the Mind: A Critical Study of Consciousness and the Human Brain. Princeton Legacy Library, Princeton NJ.

Sabom, Michael (1982). Recollections of Death: A Medical Investigation. Harper and Row Publishers, New York.

van Lommel, Pim (2010). Consciousness Beyond Life: The Science of the Near-Death Experience. HarperCollins, New York.

[flowers-in-your-basement]

theres blood on the upholstery of the impala. There's blood on Dean's clothes. There's also a ringing kinda white-noise sound in his ears. He thinks he might be dying. Dad's defying the laws of physics, he's driving so fast, Sam's patching him up. Sam and dad are arguing. He can't figure out about what.

He's so cold. He tells Sam that, or he thinks he does and Sam starts sobbing, yelling harder at dad. Dean wants to tell him that its alright, just get a blanket. He's too tired.

The blood on the car is from him. Of course it is. He can't feel his toes- can't feel anything at all. He's drifting and dad is driving and Sam's 12-year-old face is so sad.

In another universe, this is how Dean Winchester dies- back of a car post werewolf hunt.

In this universe it is one of many close calls.

[bloody-bee-tea]

June of (minimal) Doom 2024 Day 30 - Breathe, damn you!

This marks the end of June of (minimal) Doom! I hope you enjoyed it and that I'll see you again for any other story I might churn out for these two! <3

Suguru has his bag at the ready before he even knocks on Satoru’s door, because like this it’ll be faster. He can oversee Satoru pack his own bag, instead of trusting him to do it and then they can leave in ten minutes instead of the forty it would otherwise take.

By now Suguru knows Satoru and he knows how best to work with him to get things done faster.

“Get ready, we’re going swimming,” Suguru announces as he steps into Satoru’s room and he almost chokes on his laugh when he sees the pose Satoru has pretzeled himself into. “What are you doing?” he gets out and Satoru only glares at him.

“How is that even possible?” he asks, pointing at the entirety of Satoru, because he’s pretty sure no human body is supposed to bend that way, but then again, this is Satoru. Of course he can do everything.

“What do you want?” Satoru bites out instead of answering Suguru’s question and Suguru raises his bag in answer.

“We’re going swimming. Up you go,” he cheerfully says and watches how Satoru un-pretzels himself into a human shape again.

“Fine, let’s go,” he sighs out but Suguru frowns at him.

“Like this?” he wants to know, pointing out the lack of anything swimming related on Satoru but he only shrugs.

“Like this.”

“Satoru, this is not how you go swimming,” Suguru informs him because maybe Satoru simply doesn’t know that.

“It is for me, because I’m not going to swim,” he shoots back and Suguru drops his bag with a sigh.

“Why not? It’ll be fun,” Suguru tries but he knows he won’t have much luck when Satoru’s face closes off.

“Maybe,” he still stays, “but I’m not going to swim.”

Suguru regards him for a moment before he hazards a guess.

“Is it because of the scar?” he whispers out, acutely aware of the huge scar bisecting Satoru from neck to hip.

Satoru isn’t shy to run around shirtless with Suguru and they’ve showered together in the communal showers, too, so it doesn’t seem as if Satoru minds it much, but maybe other people are different.

“No. I could just heal it if it really bothers me,” Satoru mutters, a hand darting under his shirt to no doubt trace over the scar and Suguru decides to let it go for now because if he inquires right now why Satoru doesn’t heal the scar in the first place it would probably open another can of worms, and Suguru really just wanted to relax today.

“What then?”

“Suguru, can you just—I just don’t want to, okay? I’ll go with you but I’m not going to swim,” Satoru says, more harshly than Suguru expected and he deflates, because there’s no way he’s going to drag Satoru out of here to do something he so clearly hates.

“Okay,” he agrees and kicks his bag into a corner of the room. “Counterproposal then. We go to the fair and then get something to eat.”

It’s going to be stupid hot and over-crowded but at least that would get them out of school for a little while and Suguru does not miss the excited glint in Satoru’s eyes at hearing his proposal.

It only lasts a second before it dims again.

“But you wanted to go swimming.”

“I wanted to go swimming with you. I wanted to do something fun with you, but if you’re just going to stay on the shore, then that’s hardly fun, is it? I’d rather we do something we both enjoy, if it’s all the same to you.”

“I didn’t mean to spoil your fun,” Satoru mutters and Suguru walks over to him so he can smack him over the head.

“I want to do whatever with you. I don’t care if we go swimming or hiking or to the fair. I just considered the weather and picked the option that’s least likely to grill us alive but I’m totally down for the fair, too. You know I wanted to check it out anyway.”

It’s not even a lie; Suguru is not stupid enough to lie to Satoru like that. He has mentioned the fair before and they had vague plans to go there eventually, he just bumped these vague plans up now.

“Okay, if you’re sure,” Satoru gets out and Suguru affectionately flicks his forehead.

“I am. Now come on, you grouch, let’s go have some fun!”

~*~*~

Suguru watches how Satoru crashes into the lake, disappearing under the water almost immediately. He doesn’t think about it further, because then the curse is gunning for him and he doubts that Satoru has been hurt enough to keep him down.

He’ll be up in a moment, Suguru is certain of it.

But Suguru subdues the curse, turning it into an orb to swallow it later, and still Satoru hasn’t come out yet.

And now worry grips Suguru’s heart.

He runs over to the lake, jumps on his manta ray to let it carry him into the middle of it, where he’d seen Satoru fall and then he jumps without a second thought.

Satoru hasn’t come up yet, so of course he needs help.

The lake is absolutely freezing even though it’s barely autumn and the temperature is a shock to his system that makes it hard to concentrate for a second. But Suguru gets himself under control again and he dives deep and deeper still, desperately looking out for a mop of white hair, for something human shaped.

He sends out a few of his curses as well, has them help him search but in the end it’s him who finds Satoru first. He’s sinking, completely still, not even trying to get back to the surface anymore and when Suguru runs cold this time it’s not because of the temperature.

Suguru directs his curses, has one of them catch Satoru and bring him back up to the surface, while he is not that far behind and by the time his curse lets him down at the shore Suguru feels as if he’s going to die.

Satoru is too still. He’s never this still.

Suguru is at his side a second later, shaking hands reaching out for his pulse, but there’s nothing. Suguru faintly hears Shoko tell him that it can be difficult to detect a weak pulse in an emergency, so he leans over, puts his cheek against Satoru’s face, but there’s no breath to detect either.

“Fuck,” Suguru whispers out as he springs into action, tilting Satoru’s head back, before he opens his mouth and slots his own over it. He breathes into him a few times before he pulls back but there’s still no reaction from Satoru.

He moves to Satoru’s chest, his CPR training finally kicking in for real and he tries to get Satoru’s heart to pump on his own, before he goes back to trying to breathe life into him again.

“This isn’t how this was supposed to go,” Suguru despairingly thinks as he slots his lips over Satoru’s again and he breathes and breathes and breathes, before he goes back to pumping.

“Breathe, damn you!” he yells when Satoru still doesn’t make any motion to do absolutely necessary, life-preserving stuff on his own and then he’s back to breathing.

He’s just about to move back to his chest, but Satoru finally, finally, starts to cough and Suguru immediately helps him lean over to the side so he can dispel the water he no doubt has in his lungs.

“You’re okay, you’re fine,” Suguru mutters out, his own voice shaky with panic and Satoru doesn’t even do anything besides flop over, his breath still coming in short and ragged and Suguru feels tears prick at his eyes. “Fuck, you scared me,” he mutters, sitting down next to Satoru, just for a moment, to catch his own breath.

Satoru doesn’t move, doesn’t do anything besides trying to regulate his breathing and Suguru takes one moment longer before he gets up.

“We have to see Shoko,” he decides, because Satoru was dead there for longer than Suguru cares to think about.

Satoru only grunts at that, and Suguru doesn’t even expect him to get up on his own, so he bends down, sliding his arms under Suguru’s knees and behind his back and then he’s hefting him off the ground, clutching him tight to his chest. He thinks he’ll probably have a hard time letting go of Satoru for a while now, but that will come later.

For now he has to get Satoru to Shoko so she can check him out and make sure that he’s actually going to stay alive.

With a plan in mind, Suguru gets them back on the manta ray, before he has it take off towards the school.

~*~*~

Suguru is slumped against the side of Satoru’s bed, his hand clutched around Satoru’s wrist, fingers pressed to his pulse-point, while Satoru sleeps off the shock of drowning.

Satoru drowned. Satoru drowned and he was down in the water for so long and Suguru’s breath is coming a little bit faster just remembering it.

Shoko assured him that Satoru would be fine, and by the time they came back to school he was aware enough to rule out any potential brain damage, and yet Suguru still can’t bring himself to let go of Satoru.

“Suguru,” Satoru eventually slurs out, turning to his  side and moving his hand so he can tangle his fingers with Suguru’s.

“Satoru,” Suguru breathes out, scrambling up and sitting down at the edge of the bed now. “How are you feeling?” he asks and pushes some hair out of Satoru’s face.

“Tired. Sore,” Satoru mutters out and Shoko told him to expect that, so Suguru isn’t quite panicking anymore.

“Okay. That’s good, that’s really good,” he gives back, aware that he’s rambling like he usually never is but Satoru is aware enough to realise it because his gaze slides over to Suguru.

“I’m okay,” Satoru tells him and now that makes Suguru huff out a laugh.

“You were dead, Satoru,” he corrects him because that thought hasn’t left his mind all the time and he thought he’d never have to go through that after the mess with Toji.

“But then I came back to you,” Satoru confidently says and Suguru lumps forward, until he can rest their foreheads together.

“I was so scared, Satoru, never do that to me again,” he gets out and Satoru pats his head.

“Sorry,” he mutters.

“What even happened? Did the curse get to you? Did it hurt you? Shoko couldn’t find any injuries,” Suguru asks and Satoru sighs, before he moves away from Suguru, avoiding his gaze suddenly.

“Nothing happened. It didn’t. I have Infinity.”

He says it as if it should explain anything but in all honesty it just raises more questions.

“Then what went wrong? You weren’t coming back up, did you lose consciousness when you hit the water?”

“I—” Satoru worries his lip before he drags himself into a sitting position, still avoiding Suguru’s gaze. “I can’t swim,” Satoru finally admits and it’s so not what Suguru expected that he needs a moment to process his words.

“You can’t swim,” he repeats as if that would make it make more sense and Satoru only presses his lips together.

“If you laugh I’ll kill you,” Satoru mutters and Suguru can do nothing but stare at him.

“Why would I laugh?” he eventually gets out, because that really is not something he even thought about doing. “Why can’t you swim?”

It’s probably still insensitive to ask this, especially with the way Satoru curls into himself, but Suguru doesn’t understand why this is even something Satoru was trying to hide from him.

Satoru clicks his tongue and glares at Suguru.

“I have Infinity. My parents always knew that once I figured out my techniques, I’d be able to float. So what use was there in teaching me how to swim?”

Suguru has to admit that he still has a hard time wrapping his head around this. Satoru is powerful enough to be able to level the entire city with one attack but he can’t swim.

It doesn’t sound real.

“You never learned?” Suguru asks for confirmation again and Satoru shrugs, but he doesn’t say anything else.

Suguru remembers the one time he asked Satoru to come swimming with him, how he was so adamant on not going and now that finally makes sense. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to go, but that he knew he couldn’t join Suguru in the water.

“You could have just said,” Suguru mutters, reaching out to take Satoru’s hand back in his. “You really think I would have judged you for it?”

“But it’s so stupid, isn’t it?” Satoru rushes out. “Everyone can swim and everyone expects everyone else to be able to do it, too. It’s just—no one ever took the time to teach me and now it’s way too late.”

“It’s never too late,” Suguru whispers and moves so he can sit next to Satoru on the bed. “I can teach you. If you want to, of course. It’s no big deal if you can’t swim, but it could have spared us all a lot of worry and pain if you had mentioned it before. I could have gotten you out sooner. I prioritised the curse because I thought you could get yourself out. I just—I need to know stuff like that, Satoru.”

“I’m sorry,” Satoru mutters, tightening his grip on Suguru’s hand. “I probably should have told you, I just—”

He was ashamed, Suguru fills in but he doesn’t actually say it. There’s no need to talk about this anymore today, because it’s done and now Suguru knows but it sure shaved off a few years of his life.

“It’s fine. I’m just glad you’re okay. I was scared out of my mind,” he admits, because he’s not too ashamed to admit that.

“Sorry,” Satoru says again and drops his head to Suguru’s shoulder.

Suguru turns his head to press a kiss to Satoru’s forehead and he lingers there for longer than he probably should. But Satoru’s skin is warm and his body is a pleasant weight against Suguru and he can finally, finally convince himself that Satoru is safe and sound and not slipping through his fingers at any given moment now.

“As long as you’re here,” Suguru gives back and Satoru melts even more against him.

“I’m not going anywhere,” he promises and Suguru decides to believe it for now.

Right now, he just wants to enjoy this moment with Satoru, so he closes his eyes and he breathes together with Satoru until they fall asleep just like that.

[creature-wizard]

Curious what you think about NDE's? The whole law of assumption/neville postings on Tumblr/reddit don't sit well with me 100%, but many NDE survivors have talked about learning about the importance of thoughts/beliefs when it comes to outcomes in life. It's what makes me think that there is SOME truth to the teachings, but there is a large chunk of it that is inaccurate.

NDEs are sure a thing that happens to people, and there's no doubt that they are often incredibly profound. That's definitely a thing you'll notice when examining folks' NDE stories.

That said, once you start examining the specific details and start comparing experiences against each other, it quickly becomes clear that the experiences are rooted in values and ideas familiar to them. Like it's not uncommon to hear modern Christians describe Heaven with Greco-Roman architecture - an unconscious cultural bias we have due to European depictions of Heaven. You almost certainly won't hear about fire in Heaven, despite that being mentioned in a number of ancient sources. And when they meet Jesus, Jesus inevitably says something that jives with their personal comprehension of Christianity.

And then once you get into NDEs outside of Christianity, things get even more diverse; and basically, the only thing you can really conclude here is that NDEs happen, and they relate to people's cultural expectations. Like, they definitely defy what we've typically expected the brain to be capable of in the past, but that doesn't necessarily imply an afterlife or the indestructibility of the soul - it could just mean that we've underestimated the brain.

[mangxakorado]

Plutarch (fragment 178) compares the experience of the soul at death to mystic initiation: he describes various agitated experiences (much like those of Pentheus) that are transformed into bliss by the appearance of a wonderful light in the darkness. This passage shows that the Greeks were aware of the similarity between mystic initiation and near-death experiences. Extensive research into near-death experiences over the last thirty years has revealed a core of such experiences that is found in very different cultures. A frequent element in this core is the ‘being of light’, a wonderful light that transforms anxiety into bliss and is also somehow a person. The person’s identity differs according to the culture: for a Christian, for instance, the person may acquire the identity of Jesus. The light described by Plutarch is not a person, but in our passage of Bacchae it is twice identified with Dionysos.

— Gods and Heroes of the Ancient World: Dionysus by Richard Seaford

[santmat]

"When we go to the Satsangs, we come to know the real purpose of this life and why God has bestowed this life upon us. And when we know that reality and that secret of why this life has really been given to us, we try to start walking on the Path. When we walk on the Path, the Master initiates us and gets the soul connected to the Holy Sound Current." (Baba Ram Singh)

Three Ways We Can Honor the Soul, the focus of today's Spiritual Awakening Radio Podcast @ YouTube: https://youtu.be/v3OcUGj1zfs

@ Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/episode/2WqbnWDzj7lxwW4lx8y6Yf

@ Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/three-ways-we-can-honor-the-soul/id1477577384?i=1000658015587

& @ Wherever You Subscribe and Follow Podcasts - At Your Favorite Podcast APP Just Do a Search for "Spiritual Awakening Radio" - (YouTube, YouTube Music and Podcasts, Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Amazon, Audible, PodBean, Overcast, Jio Saavan, iHeart Radio, CastBox, etc...): https://linktr.ee/SpiritualAwakeningRadio

References, Subjects, and Sources Mentioned or Commented Upon During Today's Program Include: a spiritual classic by the Spanish mystic Miguel de Molinos called, The Spiritual Guide, on the bliss, tranquility, and happiness found as a result of following the Inward Path; mystic poetry from the Padavali of Maharshi Mehi Paramhans; a couple of my essays about spiritual seeking and finding something beyond the shallow spirituality of the typical bookstore shelves and social media realms: Not All Saints Are Dead, and, Living Students Have Living Teachers; a saying of Sant Kirpal Singh on transcending mind and matter by leaning the spiritual practice; Swami Bhagirath Baba on the Third Eye Center; The Bijak of Guru Kabir; discourses on the three ways we can honor the soul: 1) Satsang ("Where Two Or Three Are Gathered in My Name I Am In Their Midst"), being taught about the path, making the teachings of the masters one's primary focus, and then following the path, which can for some become like an NDE, near-death experience of ascending through the various heavenly realms; 2) Ahimsa Ethics: Good Thoughts, Words, and Deeds, The Supreme Soul Assuming Control: seeing God in others, the ethical wisdom of Sant Mahavira of Jainism, the meaning of "Namaste", "Bandagi Saheb" and "Radhaswami", and 3) Become Your Real Spiritual Self In Meditation, with Sant Mat Satsang Discourses from Baba Ram Singh on the transformational power of satsang, on karma and cleansing the mind, on the importance of daily Bhajan-Simran (Meditation Practice: Surat Shabd Yoga, the Sound Current), the wisdom of Huzur Maharaj Rai Saligram; and bhakti prayers from Swami Ji Maharaj (Seth Shiv Dayal Singh) from his Sar Bachan Poetry.

In Divine Love (Bhakti), Light, and Sound, At the Feet of the Masters, Radhasoami,

James Bean Spiritual Awakening Radio Podcasts Santmat Satsang Podcasts Sant Mat Radhasoami A Satsang Without Walls Spiritual Awakening Radio Website: https://www.SpiritualAwakeningRadio.com

[sharpth1ng]

nah because yk what’s crazy?

you could be dead rn n not know it cause like yk how people say your brain stays active for like 7 mins before you die? what if this is ur 7 minutes and your whole life is just you imagining things and your actual life was wayyyy different. like you were a different person n shit. and it feels like a lifetime csuse like yk when ur dreaming and it feels like a long time even tho it’s just a few hours? yeah

So the 7 minutes thing is very general, it varies a lot but according to some sources in at least some cases it can take hours for total brain death after the heart stops. Crazy to me. Anyways.

Apparently though, (according to people who have near death experiences) they tend to be aware that they're dying but they feel peaceful about it. A lot of them report being visited by dead loved ones or having a "life review" through their memories but I've never heard of someone seeing a life that wasn't theirs (not that that couldn't happen, anything is possible). A lot of people also have a shocking amount of awareness of whats happening to their bodies, like a lot of people are able to accurately describe how they were resuscitated (literally a 97% accuracy rate, that's unheard of). Its pretty crazy, theres actually a lot of research on it and I find it fascinating.

[bloodforangels]

that night you almost killed me. i thought that i survived, but maybe i died. i haven’t felt alive since. i think that i feel dead.

[serenlyss]

Fandom: Fire Emblem: Path of Radiance/Radiant Dawn Rating: Teen (near death experiences, needles, happy ending) Relationships: Ike/Soren Word Count: 56k (4/4) Read it on AO3: Sunspot

The final part of Sunspot has just gone up! I hope you enjoy this finale, I had a really fun time working with this admittedly somewhat ambitious concept. On to the next project!

[promptsforyourwhumpfic]

Whump Prompt #1147

Submitted by Anon - thanks!

“A… it’s time to get up.” A and B are stranded somewhere, lost and injured. B nudges A on the shoulder. Seems like A is in a deep sleep, causing B to chuckle. “Seriously-“ B nudges A, but their face goes from happiness to shock and horror as they watch A’s unmoving body slump onto B’s, lap, a gash in A’s side.

A protected B from something at the cost of being severely harmed. B realizes that A needs help, and fast.

[thebardostate]

The Myth of Dreamless Sleep

Consciousness never "switches off" because it isn't generated by the brain. Its sensory inputs can be switched off - during sleep or general anesthesia, for instance - but your consciousness is still there. For example, a small but consistent number of patients report out-of-body experiences (OOBEs) or near-death experiences (NDEs) while under general anesthesia.

[bloody-bee-tea]

24 Days of Satosugu 2023 Day 22 - Jelly

Suguru has been searching for Satoru for the last ten minutes. It shouldn’t be this hard—Suguru knows all of Satoru’s favourite spots and even most of his hiding spots. And yet it seems as if Satoru simply vanished from campus without saying anything to Suguru and he doesn’t like that thought.

Doesn’t like it one bit.

His last option is Shoko; he didn’t try her before because Satoru hates her workplace, always saying that it’s giving him the creeps and so he never voluntarily steps foot into there. But even so, maybe Shoko knows something about his whereabouts.

“Hey, Shoko,” Suguru calls out, stepping into her office and freezes when not only Shoko’s eyes find his, but Satoru stares at him as well, before he hides something behind his back.

“You’re here,” Suguru breathes out and Satoru lets out a nervous laugh.

“Haha, I am, surprise?” he tries, which only makes Suguru frown.

“What is going on? Are you hiding something from me?” he wants to know and Satoru hides the thing behind his back even more before he takes it out, showing it to Suguru as if it means nothing.

And really, it should mean nothing, because it’s just one of Shoko’s stethoscopes.

“Are you sick?” Suguru asks, because why else would Satoru come here and Suguru isn’t actually sure if his reverse energy technique is able to heal normal illnesses.

Something to ask for later, for sure, he thinks as he files that thought away and watches how Satoru shoves the stethoscope into Shoko’s hands.

“Nope, not at all, I’m perfectly peachy,” Satoru rushes out, saluting at Shoko before he bumps his shoulder to Suguru’s and then simply marches off.

He leaves silence behind and Suguru turns with an accusing stare towards Shoko.

“What is going on here?” he demands to know because that sure as hell was more than strange and Shoko shakes her head.

“I am not getting into your relationship drama,” she breathes out, putting the stethoscope down.

“Drama? Relationship?” Suguru’s voice goes a little bit high at the end. “What is even going on, Shoko, you know we’re not in a relationship.”

He tries to laugh it off but slams his mouth shut when he realises that he sounds just like Satoru a few minutes before.

“Sure. Because normal people act the way you do,” Shoko says as she shakes her head. “Listen, he’s not hurt and he’s not doing anything to hurt you. Is that enough?”

It’s not, not at all, not when Satoru so clearly is keeping something from him; something that Shoko is privy to, even.

“No,” Suguru plainly says and Shoko gives him her best glare.

“Well, sucks for you then. Now get out, I’m actually busy and do not have the time to babysit both of you.”

Suguru bites his lips so he doesn’t snap at Shoko, and he decides that he will probably have more luck with Satoru.

Shoko is immune to all of Suguru’s charms; Satoru very much is not. He might have to abuse that to find out what the hell is going on here.

Suguru runs after Satoru and he knows him, so it’s not actually that hard to find him again. He very predictably ran off to Suguru’s room instead of his own, as if that isn’t the first place Suguru would check when he’s in search for Satoru.

“What is going on?” Suguru demands to know the second he steps into the room and Satoru looks at him with the same big eyes as before.

“How did you find me so fast?” he wants to know and Suguru rolls his eyes at him.

“Please. I know you, Satoru. Of course you’d go here first. What were you doing with Shoko?”

“Nothing,” Satoru shoots back, giving Suguru his best smile. “I was doing nothing with her.”

It hurts, to have Satoru lie to him like that and Suguru lets his face fall. There is instant regret in Satoru’s eyes and it does make Suguru feel a little bit bad to force this, but the thought that Satoru is keeping something from him sits unpleasantly in his chest.

“Satoru,” he breathes out for good measure, too and Satoru opens his mouth before he snaps it shut again, the look of regret turning into a glare.

“No, you’re being unfair,” he accuses Suguru. “You know I can’t say no to you.”

Suguru shrugs, completely unrepentant, because he knows that he’s not playing completely fair but he really couldn’t care less.

“So? Are you going to tell me?”

Satoru seems to think that over for a moment before he shakes his head, though he does come closer to Suguru.

“Think of it as a gift, okay? I’m not ready to give it to you, yet.”

Suguru clicks his tongue at that because that, too, is unfair. There is no way he’s going to pry now.

“Then at least don’t lie about it to me,” he still chastises Satoru. “Say that, but don’t lie.”

Some of his earlier pain must show in his words because Satoru apologetically presses his lips together before he steps close and drops his head to Suguru’s shoulder.

“I’m sorry. I won’t do it again,” he promises and Suguru believes him, like he always does.

“Okay, then.”

He’s actually more than curious what Satoru is intending to gift to him, what isn’t yet done and what needs Shoko’s presence, but he’s no longer going to pry.

Satoru will finish whatever it is and then he’ll give it to Suguru and it will all make sense.

Suguru believes that.

~*~*~

“Here we go,” Satoru says, the curse already in view, but he still turns around to Suguru, raising his hand and waiting for the customary high-five they do these days right before they rush into a fight.

Suguru isn’t even sure how this started or why they are doing it, but he’s hardly going to leave Satoru hanging so he slaps his hand against Satoru’s who gives him a cheeky smile for it.

“Loser does the report,” he then says and darts off.

Suguru doesn’t rush after him, because it’s always him who does the reports anyway and there is no real rule to what makes someone the winner during their fights so Satoru will find a way to make Suguru the loser anyway.

Still, this little game motivates Satoru do finish this quickly, to work hard, and really, what more does Suguru want?

He makes his way over to the curse more slowly, keeping track of Satoru all the time, ready to assist him with his impossible stunts and it’s not long before Suguru has to throw out a fly head to break Satoru’s fall.

Suguru allows himself a moment to shake his head at Satoru’s antics before he really gets into the fight and then it’s on.

The curse doesn’t really stand a chance, not against the both of them, even though it’s trying its hardest. The destruction around them is quite significant at this point and Suguru is glad he at least remembered to put up the veil this time.

He really does not want to get yelled at by Yaga again.

“Watch out!” Satoru yells at him and Suguru moves out of the way just in time to avoid a bunch of rubble being thrown his way.

He notices a few pieces almost gliding off him, that’s how close it was and he vows to get his head into the game.

If Suguru gets hurt, he can’t do the report and then Satoru will yell at him.

Suguru wouldn’t want that to happen, and so he makes sure they exorcise the curse in no time at all.

He still ends up writing the report, of course, but Satoru is smiling at him, so it’s all good.

~*~*~

A special grade curse really is a whole other number, Suguru thinks with despair, because this curse has been leading them around for the better part of two hours. It’s smart enough to see through all of their plans and by now Suguru is getting tired.

Tired enough that he misses the next attack of the curse.

He sees it coming just a beat too late, sees the claw it throws out at him and Suguru already knows that this is it. He will be speared clean through and not even his and Satoru’s customary high-five for good luck is going to change anything about that.

“Suguru!” Satoru yells, also a beat behind the curse and definitely not in reach to change anything about this and all Suguru really can do is brace himself for the impact.

Except—it never comes.

The claw stops mere inches from his chest and it seems the curse is caught just as off guard as Suguru himself because it stumbles over its many feet and Satoru takes that opportunity to exorcise it once and for all.

Suguru can do nothing but watch, his knees feeling like jelly and his heart pounding in his ears.

That attack should have killed him; the claw should have gone straight through him and Suguru should be dead right now.

He doesn’t understand why he isn’t.

“Suguru! Suguru, are you hurt?” Satoru rushes out, his hands fluttering over Suguru’s chest and he only relaxes when he doesn’t find the blood he clearly was expecting as well. “Thank god, it worked. It worked, it worked, thank you,” he mutters, his hands resting on Suguru’s chest and Suguru fights the urge to sink down to the floor.

Shock really is a bitch.

“Can we go home?” he asks, not caring about anything now that the curse is exorcised and Satoru nods frantically.

“Yes, Shoko needs to check you over regardless, come on, I’ll teleport us.”

“Do you still feel up to that?” Suguru can’t help but to ask, even though he needs to be home right this moment and Satoru gives him a shaky smile.

“Of course, Suguru, I can do anything, you know that,” he reassures him and before Suguru can argue, can tell him that he, too, is only human, Satoru has already teleported them home.

“I’ll have Shoko come here, go sit down Suguru, please,” Satoru says and Suguru feels slightly detached from himself.

He has never been this close to death before and escaped without a scratch and he honestly can’t wrap his head around the fact that he is still safe and sound.

Suguru thinks Shoko comes and goes, but it doesn’t really register for him. The next thing he really knows is Satoru pressing a cup of hot chocolate in his hands.

“Here, drinks this. Shoko said it might help.”

“What’s the verdict?” Suguru asks and Satoru’s face falls slightly when he realises that Suguru wasn’t really paying attention.

“Shock. You’re all good, except for a severe shock.”

“I see” Suguru gives back and takes a sip of the hot chocolate.

Satoru encourages him until the entire cup is empty and it’s only then that it hits Suguru.

He could have died.

The shaking starts in his fingers but soon it travels all over his body.

“Satoru,” he gets out, his voice shaking as well and Satoru is right there, taking his hands in his.

“You’re good, Suguru, I promise. Shoko said to expect this, okay, it’ll pass in a moment.”

Suguru tightens his grip on Satoru’s hand, wills him to stay right where he is and it still takes him a moment to sort through his thoughts.

“How are you feeling?” he asks Satoru which makes him huff out a laugh.

“You had a near-death experience and you’re asking me how I’m doing?”

“Yeah,” Suguru says with a frown, feeling more like himself by the second. “You teleported us all the way back. Did you have hot chocolate?”

Satoru’s eyes dart to an untouched cup on the table and Suguru sighs, before he takes his hands back.

“Go get that and bring a blanket, too, I’m cold and I want you here with me on the couch,” Suguru decides, because his hands feel like ice right now and he thinks the comfort is not going to hurt at all.

“Alright,” Satoru whispers and does as Suguru told him to.

Suguru only really relaxes when Satoru is pressed to his side, sipping his own hot chocolate, a blanket covering them and keeping them warm. Suguru doesn’t hesitate to drop his head to Satoru’s shoulder, trying to get as close to him as he can get but he frowns when recalls something.

“You said it worked. What worked?” he wants to know, remembering the panicked way Satoru checked him over and Satoru freezes at his side for a moment, before he goes soft again.

“Surprise,” he weakly says. “That’s the gift I was working on for the last couple of weeks.”

“What is?” Suguru asks for clarification because this doesn’t make much sense and Satoru rotates the cup in his hands.

“I’m sharing Infinity with you,” he finally admits and Suguru’s head flies up.

“What?”

He can’t believe what he’s hearing right now but Satoru only gives him a small smile.

“I can’t make you control it yet; I wanted it to be like a little charm that you can activate at will; I’ve been practicing with Shoko but it proves difficult to make it do that. So I have to activate it for you. I didn’t want to tell you about it yet, because it’s not perfect, and so today—for a moment I thought it would fail you.”

“The claw couldn’t touch me because I had Infinity on,” Suguru mutters, still trying to wrap his head around that. “Because you share that with me.”

Satoru seems almost embarrassed by that, even as he shrugs.

“Is this how the high-five before a fight came to be?” Suguru wants to know, because that only started recently.

And coincidentally it aligns with Satoru’s strange behaviour.

“Yeah. I thought it’s a fail-safe way to allow me to touch you, so I can switch it on without having to tell you about that yet. Like I said, it’s not really ready. I wanted it to be perfect.”

“Satoru,” Suguru breathes out, hiding his face in Satoru’s neck again. “It is perfect. It saved my life today, how much more perfect do you want it to be?” Suguru doesn’t give Satoru a chance to answer that. “And besides. You’re always allowed to touch me, you should know that.”

To make his point clear, Suguru reaches up and carefully takes one of Satoru’s hands still cradling the mug before he laces their fingers together.

“If it’s you, you’re always allowed,” Suguru mutters and smiles when Satoru squeezes his hand.

“I wasn’t sure and there are only so many ways I can sneak in a touch before you become suspicious.”

Suguru doesn’t mention that he probably would never have gotten suspicious about something like that, because he enjoys every single touch Satoru gives him, so he would have never questioned it. Instead of saying that, he presses closer, still.

“Thank you for sharing your Infinity with me,” he mutters, daring to press a kiss to Satoru’s throat and he feels it flutter when Satoru sighs out.

“If it’s you, I’ll share everything I have,” Satoru gives back just as quietly and Suguru’s heart almost beats out of his chest when he feels Satoru press a kiss to the top of his head.

They stay like that for a long while, sharing space and warmth and love together, and they don’t even part when they eventually go to bed.

From then on, Satoru will activate Suguru’s Infinity with a kiss, even long after he manages to make it so that Suguru can activate it himself, because Suguru won’t have it any other way.

It’s a good way to start a battle after all.

[telephonedear]

ITS SEPTEMBER FIRST YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS

[creature-wizard]

NDEs are funny because I do disbelieve the majority (as in, all of them) because Agendas(TM) however there is one person that had me really intrigued and is hard to disbelieve for many reasons🤔 ultimately no one can know for sure but it soothes me a bit since it's my only "proof" that we have a soul. But anyway besides that Christians especially love to prey on others' fear of death to enroll them in through NDEs which fucking infuriates me.

Yuuuuuuup. And the lady who claimed that Jesus sent her back to Earth to fight Roe vs. Wade is gonna haunt my days forever.

[seldomscilence16]

Whumptober day 27:

"You drew stars around my scars, but now I'm bleeding."

Matches | scars | "Let me see."

Fandom: Young Justice

Prompts used: all

Just a short little piece. I read up on Speedsters 'Kryptonite' and found 2 things (minus inhibitor collars obv.) And one took way too much knowledge and like, outside forces, while the other was so ordinary I can't believe I forgot about it. Anyway, I had to remind myself several times that I was writing Wally and not Denki.

TW Depressive thoughts, near death experiences, referenced child abuse, and Blood.

…

Wally and Dick had been friends for years.

Wally knew Dicks mothers favorite color and his fathers best joke- though it didn't translate as well to English, so Wally knew Romani enough to make Dick feel at home. Wally knew how they died, and how Dick became Robin and why, andandand-

Dick knew Wally had hated superheroes growing up. That it wasn't until the Flash, and discovering it was his Uncle, that Wally even thought about it, that he'd be a hero who saved EVERYONE. Not just the public, but the ones who need it but can't ask. Dick knew Wally didn't like going home, that everyday a number would plague him, that his speed hid his flinches and allowed him a quick escape and time to calm enough to laugh when someone snuck up on him.

He knew that SOMETHING happened to him. When they were younger and just starting out, Wally knew Dick liked doing something with his hands, so he'd let Dick draw along his arms and Dick would let Wally tap his foot as fast as he wanted and glare at anyone who pointed it out.

Wally thinks about his life before the experiment, when he was just a little boy born into a world that didn't think he was enough. He thinks about the sports he was forced into so he could explain away his injuries and to be a man. He thinks he's glad Dick didnt know him then, that he didn't see the weak little worthless boy he'd been.

But he supposes, even superpowers can't change who you are at your core. They can cover it up, hide things away, but who you are rarely changes. Wally knew that now, no matter how many successful missions, or people saved, or good deeds done-

If even his own parents can't stand him, HATE him, if he can't even save himself, how can he think himself worthy enough to be a hero?

"Wally?"

Wally had forgotten what moving through molasses felt like. His speed had saved him so many times and yet now… now it was failing him. He feels it burning within him, matches too close to the fingers holding them, ready to go out at any second, with the flick of a wrist. But Wally has been burned so often… he'll burn with it before he throws it away.

"Wally, look at me, what are- you're bleeding! Let me see, Wally let me see!"

"You drew stars around my scars, made me feel like I had a place, like I was loved and worthy-" he coughs, something warm splatters down his chin, he looks into worried baby blue, "I'm so stupid, I thought I could be a hero, but now I'm bleeding, and I failed. I'm worthless."

"Stop that!" Tears spill over, as his eyes squeeze shut at the shout, "You are not any of those things!!" A sob tears from the bird's chest, and Wally feels the physical stab of it.

He reaches a trembling arm out-T-shirt doing nothing to hide the bruises and scars of years of pain- his fingertips brush Dicks face, catching a tear as it falls.

"I'm sorry. I didn't want you to see me like this. I didn't mean to make you cry."

"I'll yell at you later, when you're not bleeding over everything. Let me see what's wrong." Wally is sure one of the Bat family's powers is being able to pull themselves together in a stressful situation.

Before his eyes, Dick composes himself and focuses solely on what he can do. With tear stains on his face, he steady's his hands as he gets to work on what ails his friend's body.

"What the- Wally what the heck happened??" Dick gives his gushing wound an incredulous stare, having hit his panic button several moments prior he wonders if he should hit it again, because his speedster's not healing, at least not that Dick can see.

Wally gives a humorless laugh, a pitiful look in his eyes,

"Would you believe a pot of coffee did this?" The spiteful tone is directed only to the redhead's self, self hate at large as he thinks of the event again. "Dad was mad. I think he had planned to just like… throw it on me ya know? But I flinched and mom yelled and I don't know… next thing I know there's glass everywhere and blood and I ran but I couldn't run and-" His own sob is choked as he tries to reign it in, his gut protesting the jerk anyway.

Dick stares with wide eyes as a million pieces fall into place, and the dawning of his worst realization in the years they'd known each other hits him hard. For all he knew about Wally, he'd missed the biggest piece of the puzzle.

The Dark Knight lands behind him, a gust of wind announcing the Flash's arrival a second after. Dick is moved, eyes never straying from his friend as his brain processes every sign he wrote off. His hands- covered in his friends blood, there's so much- rise, panic creeping in, he's ready to curl up and never rise-

A hand slides into his, just as slick and tacky as his own and yet so familiar. Blue meets Green- lidded and weak but alive- the hand freckled in sun spots and scars and blood, squeezes his own, a million things but alive enough that Dick is sure he'll be able to get to every single one.

"You are loved, Wally. You are worthy. I'll prove it to you."