#MyOrangeSpirit

[myorangespirit]

Swinging Days.

My days are swinging between hopes and no way out caves, sometimes I'm the strongest in the world, sometimes I'm just like a kid who lost his parents in a huge mall. I don't know what I feel, but I'm better than before, my soul is getting back to me piece by piece, I'll be fine someday, I'll be the happiest someday.

[myorangespirit]

I hope it is a sign, not a thought I overthink about.

MyOrangeSpirit

[myorangespirit]

I am here today because I am so tired, I can’t focus in my life, I lost something, but I can’t figure what did I exactly lost yet, I feel like I’m living without a soul. And I know that I lost my soul, but what happened in my life that took my soul away? I’m suffering lately from a lot of things, my health isn’t getting better, I am sick since 2016, and it’s not getting better at all, I’m losing relationships, with the people I don’t want to lose, actually most of them are gone now. I’m losing hope in improving the talents that I always loved and adored. But that is the real problem, I am not passionate about myself anymore, I suffered from depression for 3 months in 2018, and I’m afraid it’s back, I hate how it comes without knocking. I hate it how it comes without letting me understand what actually happened. I wanted something to take out all of the feelings I have, whether they are good or bad, I know my friends and sisters tried to make me feel better, but it’s just hard to let them understand and I can’t explain anymore. I write my diaries since three years now, I thought that I’ll get better, in the beginning, yes, but then I started to write them because I’m afraid I’ll forget the happy memories one day. I’m afraid of losing my memory and not being able to remember my life. I’ll try to post here and write what’s in my mind every time I feel like I need to explode. I’ll give myself one more chance, till the end of this year (If I was able to handle it that long actually) and then I will see a therapist. But what I know right now, is that I need my orange soul back. If anyone will read this ever, I’m okay and my mind is still in my head, don’t you worry about me, I will post that small details about whatever bothers me, things I’m always afraid to tell the people who are close to me, because I don’t want them to worry, blame themselves or even feel that I need help or they need to stay with me, because I know each person is suffering in a way or another from things in their lives, I don’t want to put more pressure on them, thank you.

[myorangespirit]

Tachycardia (2).

He called Dr.O and he told him how frustrated he is. I felt sorry for Dr.O, because he is really doing his best for me, and he got himself in an argument and an awkward situation with the other doctor for me, and then the other doctor said that Dr.O is right and he will send me back to him so they can send me immediately to the ER under Dr.O’s name because he is already calling the ER to let them know that there is a patient with tachycardia is coming and they should be ready. I went back to Dr.O’s section and he was there talking to the ER with everyone in that section worrying. The nurse from the other section is the one who took me back to him and yes, she told everyone that she checked my heart beats and they are not stable and still running. I looked at my doctor and I told him that I can walk there is no need for all of this, Dr.O with the same expressions told me that he’ll ask the nurses after he felt that he can’t force me because I have to stay calm, but all of them got mad and said that you might fall if it will reach higher you will fade out and it will be their responsibility. The doctor looked at me and said: “Do you really don’t feel anything?” I told him that I can feel my heart running so fast but seriously I can live. He said no and asked the nurse to take me someplace where I can have rest, it’s okay if it’s going to be his office, but the nurse told him that we can wait in the waiting room. I’ve heard the doctor saying “What’s happening, why I’m sending all of my patients to the ER room recently” I felt that I wanted to tell him that he is one of the best doctors I have ever met and it is not his fault. We went to the ER, they treated me as I’m going to die and I don’t have to put any effort into anything, when my heart pulse went back to 96, the cute nurse that was calming me down, he was from Dr.O’s section, he left and I stayed there in the ER with my sister. And then my sister insisted to tell mom and we did and she came with my father and everyone started to worry. They ran a lot of tests on me and I started to get frustrated, and we went back home after approximately 5 hours. The tests showed nothing, and this is another story because I’m always sick and in pain, but the tests never helped the doctors. It was a big day, full of emotions and new things related to my complicated health problems that I should start to worry about with the things I’m already dealing with. I realized that the other day, the 4th of July I went to read about tachycardia and what it might cause, and I knew why everyone was worrying a lot. I’m grateful to have such a doctor that always doing his best and never giving up on me, I know he is about to give up now, but I know and I hope he knows that he did his best and I’m thankful. I’ll talk about Dr.O someday because he is an incredible person.

[myorangespirit]

Disappointed.

He said nothing. It’s like I have never been in his life, maybe they were right, maybe he is like the others ? How can he be ? It’s freaking me out, but one day, all of this will return on him. He will feel this and he’ll remember me and he’ll come to say sorry but I will not forgive him at all. I’m so mad at him, I’m really mad at him, I wish he is not able to talk because I meant something to him someday. I know he is coming back, but I don’t know when, but he’ll come because of the guilt he’ll be taking, if he didn’t, then it’s okay, because my brother haven’t came to me to apologize, how is a stranger not a sibling will do it ? I’m so disappointed.

[myorangespirit]

I’m afraid.

I watched five feet apart movie, because I wanted to cry, I cried a lot, but I’m still suffocating, I’m afraid he is never coming back, I’m afraid the physical pain will stay bothering me forever, I’m afraid I’ll live with depression for ever, I’m afraid I’ll end up alone, I’m afraid I’ll never be able to pay back for my beautiful parents, I’m afraid I’ll not be able to talk normally to my siblings, I’m afraid no one will ever understand what I’m going through, I’m afraid I’ll have to live with the sleepless nights, I’m afraid nightmares will always follow me, I’m afraid I’ll be for ever sad, I’m afraid I’ll loose people I love, I’m afraid I’ll lose my passionate about myself forever, I’m afraid I’m turning to a robot, because the only place recently that make sense to me is the lab between the robots.

[myorangespirit]

Running Heartbeats.

The most awful feeling is when my heart beats so fast with no reason, like I’m running from something, or when it tickles me for hours, like a mother who is worrying about her child and feels that something bad is happening, the differences is that I'm not a mother, and I have no child to worry about, but it keeps me frustrated all the time, it’s like anything bad might happen at any time right now, it’s like I'm in a place full of monsters and they are hungry and ready to attack me. I can’t feel comfortable, I had this feeling a long time ago, and I’m having it now. I’m always worrying, I’m having sleepless nights lately, and it’s hard, I can't focus during the day, and if I wanted to take a nap, I struggle, and if I did, insomnia wakes me up, it is exhausting to get a nap, and in the night I wake up between 4 - 6 AM, even if I went to bed after midnight, I wake up like I wasn’t actually sleeping. And it is definitely hard to go back to sleep, and at 7 AM I have to be awake to go to work. My mornings these days aren't my best at all, I’m always afraid and tired and as I was waiting for something, but as usual, there is nothing I’m waiting for ..... I guess I’m not sure yet. I'm a morning person, but I hate myself being a morning person lately, nothing can impress me, even the lovely feeling I used to feel happy about when I leave the house early and turn on my favorite songs and enjoy the drive in the calm streets, I can’t feel this anymore, sometimes I feel like I’m driving like a robot, can't sense anything around, afraid to get a car accident at any second, and hold on my tears, I tried to play it cool and turn on my favorite music, but I couldn't, I started to cry, because it felt so real, I felt like I’m dying soon. I will talk about that day in details later, the most depressing day ever.

[myorangespirit]

Finally.

I finally cried. I was praying & I felt so heavy so I got nothing to do just to speak to Allah & cry.

[myorangespirit]

Mind & Heart Talks.

I think I’m getting better, but my mornings aren’t my best, still aren’t my best. That's scary, and I'm scared that this feeling will never go away. Everything I'm thinking about is a factor of what's happening to me, but not the main factor, there is no main factor at all, and that freaks me out sometimes. I want to feel like it doesn’ really matter, but no it does matter, what is happening to my heart exactly? Why he hasn't said anything? What should I do with what we had together? Where is my fun happy spirit? Will I survive? Is this feeling ever gonna go away? Am I gonna be able to love again? Will I ever have happy tears? Will I be able to trust again? ..... I haven't trusted him that much, I was always afraid. I was panicking and my heart was getting tired but I never know that it is a serious thing, when I'm happy, sad scared excited, I always feel that my heart will jump out of my chest. I always described in details to him what I was feeling, but I thought its just feelings, something happens when he does anything, type and record voice messages where my heart feels so happy, posting in his public account where I mostly can’t see it makes my heart cries, tweeting love quotes in twitter where I can’t see it too let my heart fall in a deep ocean of madness and worries, yup, I just knew that I hadn't trusted him. But I always thought that he is different and I should change my thinking and live my life and have him even if he’ll not talk to me, but yeah while writing this, I felt that I DID THE RIGHT THING. I'm still a good person tho, and he lost me, but I did the right thing. We3 had good times, but he’ll remember one day that it was a big mistake to let go of me. Even if that day isn’t coming, but he’ll be in troubles, because I turned all of this to Allah, and he will make my heart safe again. And I will be safe again, and I’ll be the happiest. 

This too shall pass.

[myorangespirit]

Missed Call.

I had a dream, where he was calling and I haven’t answered, but I was happy that he called, we still have a thing between us. I’ll admit that I was confused too and did a hard decision by choosing to to answer, I’m missing him so much, and yes I think about it a lot recently, but it’s lighter on my heart than before, I hope he is in a good health, but I also hope that he is not fine without me and he is missing me and that poetry his friend wrote is reminding him of me. I hope this dream will come true soon, I truly hope, but I have to realize that there is a chance of 2% possibility only that this dream will come and safe my reality. I can’t unlove him, he got a peice of my heart, he was different and he’ll always be to me, he is the kindest, I know I did the right thing and I don’t regret it, but I want him to say something so bad.

[myorangespirit]

Tachycardia (1).

On Tuesday, 3rd of July, I had three hospital appointments, the 1st appointment was a type of radiation images for picturing the float of the blood in the veins that are close to my kidneys. I did it one year ago, it was exhausting, but I did a really great job and the specialist who did it on me was smart and know when he had to tell me to stop breathing or hold my breath. But what I did recently was a suicidal thing, the specialist was getting tired fast and keep on saying that her arm is tired, and she doesn’t know when to tell me to stop breathing which was killing me slowly. In the middle of a breath I’m taking she is going to tell me to stop suddenly for 2-3 minutes, like common I’m not a diver or something and I haven’t taken enough oxygen yet, it was a stupid thing and I’m never ever doing it again.

I went back home, and then at that day I talked to my mother about how pissed I am from my brother, and yes she kept on saying that these things always happen between the siblings, I didn’t care, what I care about is what happened between me and brother. Never mind, at 2:45 PM I went to the hospital for my 2 other appointments, and this time my sister came with me because she wanted to. It has been a long time since she came with me to my appointments. It was all cool, until they called my name to see the doctor, and guess what, my heart pulse was over 130 per minute, the doctor I'm seeing that time was a rheumatologist doctor, he got nothing to do with my heart, but he was worried about my heart more than the arm pains that I'm seeing him for. We started to talk about the recent blood tests I did and what should I do next and all of the hopeless steps that we should take and how his eyes are telling me that I should look for another doctor who will not give up on me from the 2nd appointment because it is not his specialization any more, it might be something different. Someone like him, Dr.O, the doctor I'm seeing recently for a year now. The process of finding another doctor that will not give up on me is harder than finding the health problems in my body and the treatments. After finishing the discussion, I was leaving, but the doctor asked me to stay again beside the machine so he can measure the heart beats again, and yes, they were still high, around 155. I have to mention how cute the doctor was when he was measuring his heart pulse before mine to make sure that the machine is working. The doctor started to put a smile that tells me that everything is going to be alright, but I was able to see it in his eyes, how scared and worried he was. He was cute, I wanted to show my sister that I might be nervous because of him somehow, and I feel shy around this young doctor. But he said it, he said if you are nervous it should be 120 - 130 for a maximum, but over 140, I can’t just let it go. Everyone was scared and nervous actually, except for me, I don’t know why, but I was somehow cold, sometimes I feel that being cold in these situations is an out of control reaction from me, because I’m not cold at all. I’ll never forget Dr.O’s face when I told him that it is okay with a smile that would like to explode laughing because they are overreacting, but he looked with a smile holding his laugh too with scared worried eyes “No, it is not okay *my name*”. He told me to promise him that I’ll see my next doctor and then if it was still high then I should go to the ER, I said okay, but no, I’m not going to the ER while I’m fine and feel nothing bad and can live normally. While going to the other section in the hospital where my other doctor is, I sat there waiting for my name to be called, Dr.O’s nurse came running asking about me, then the other doctor’s nurse came out calling my name, we all went inside and Dr.O’s nurse checked my pulse again without asking the other doctor, and it was still high and the doctor got angry and frustrated because of the way they got me inside and take the rate of my pulse without asking him first. Dr.O’s nurse told him that Dr.O called him, but he hasn't answered, and this is an emergency.

[myorangespirit]

Scared.

It’s 7:47 PM, I’m frustrated and in pain, it’s hard when you’re in pain mentally, and then a physical pain make your mental health worse. I am in a continuous pain since I woke up this morning, and I said once that I love nights recently, but why I’m so depressed. I can’t have fun. The pain is killing me and I don’t want to do what I use to do when I feel down, actually I’ll not be able too because the pain in in my both arms, I’m suffering from arthritis and tendinitis from two years now, and it’s just hard, I hate myself sometimes, because I can’t do anything with my hands, it hurts so bad and I can’t explain right now, I’m just in pain. And it’s just my hands, I have several pain in several places in my body duo to a problem in my immune system. The point in that I’m afraid I’ll hate evenings too. How will I be able to live ?

[myorangespirit]

Clouds never land.

Today while coming to work, I turned on (You are my sunshine), I sing this song to my nephew, he is the cutest and he lights my world up, he is one of the rarest who is capable to change my mood, he is almost 7 months old, yes he is young but his smile is so priceless and something I can’t handle because of how cute he is. When I listened to the song today, my eyes started to fill themselves with tears, yes I remembered my precious cloud when I’ve heard to the lyrics very carefully, yes he was a sunshine to me, his precious voice was the beautiful thing I have ever heard, his cute random messages at the beginning of a work day used to make my whole week, a 10 seconds snap from him, was able to glow me up and keeps me happy for the rest of the day, he was a sunshine to me. And then with my history searches, I clicked on Freya Ridings’s song, I couldn't remember the song’s name, but I clicked on it anyways. It was (Lost without you), and it hit on me so hard I started to hold my tears, but when she said (But you were the only safe haven, That I’ve known), I know my loving father is the safest thing ever in my life, and I’ll explain this later. But my precious could was the only thing that made me always feels that the world is still alright, and strangers can be someone who we truly love and care about, he was the only new person in my life that I felt like I can trust and stay safe with. He was the heaven to me, he was the only thing that's working perfectly in my life. He was the kindest, even when I’m the one who is angry, he was the quietest when I was arguing about things that doesn’t make any sense, he was everything beautiful, he was that person who you remember to pray for when you pray for your family and loved ones, I sill do pray for him. I cried when she said that, and then I imagined if he will call me, and he is saying what I’m hoping to hear from him, and I cried like it’s happening, and I wasn’t able to reply to him, because I was holding my tears so bad, and then I stopped that stupid imagination and I thought I’ll be able to cry a river now, but I couldn't, and instead of that, I'm having a headache right now. I need to cry a river, I need to so bad. Because if I cried, I’ll realize that he is not coming back at all, I’ll live in my reality, I’ll stop waiting for a cloud to land in my world thinking it is an airplane from my view on the ground. Clouds never land, and I don’t own wings anymore. 

[myorangespirit]

Black Dots.

I have no idea what’s wrong with the people around, specially my sisters and brother, whenever we argue they end it up by saying “Okay we’re wrong you’re not”, I don’t even bring it up, who is wrong and who is right, I never said I am right or the opposite, but they are just like everybody else around, everyone is writing about finish a argument by saying “They are rigth” and move on, this is the oldest way of having a real mature discussion. Sometimes it is obvious that I’m talking from my mind, but what they it doesn’t make any sense, and they start talking from their ass like where not old enough to have a good “fight” with wise minds and evidence based on real experiences. I have no idea how to explain this to them. Tomorrow my brother and I will complete 1 week without talking to each other, and I think I’ll do the same with my sisters, because I’ve had enough from these complicated un-understandable relationships. They are the worst in understanding me, they always get it wrong, they never understand my perspective in these sutiuations. Except for my youngest sister, she is always the good part in everything. I’m already having the worst days of my life, and I’m truly not able to handle any more black dots in my days, I thought spending time with them will take some weight from me during the day, but no thank you.

[myorangespirit]

I’m sad. I’m really depressed.

[myorangespirit]

Unspoken Words.

I’m afraid whenever I try to take out what’s in my mind here but I just can’t ... I feel like there is nothing describes what I feel or what I want to say, this is terrifying honestly, because I came here running from anyone else because I thought writing this way is gonna heal me and helps me take out what’s about to explode from the inside, and I know I started it yesterday, but I felt good yesterday, today I felt like if I’m gonna write it’s gonna be because yeah I wanted to, but I also felt that I wanted to write but it’s not the right moment, I don’t know how to explain this, but I feel that my head has a lot of things to talk about but it doesn’t know exactly from where should to start. I’m full of unspoken words.