#My whole sleep schedule been thrown away

[scribe-of-hael]

Can anyone just send me positive asks or somthing its 8am. I've had 3 hours of sleep. I'm tired, stressed, paranoid and anxious as all hell. I just want somthing nice to read or talk about.

[jenctrl]

my little scrump*ೃ༄

"despite being across the world and miles apart, the canine is always there for her feline, especially when she's sick and grumpy, truly acting like her little scrump."

warning; from the blackcat!Y/n series, the parts don't need to be read in order!

“Stop being stubborn and lay down in bed,” Chaewon argued, making a meek attempt at trying to pull Y/n off of the stool the girl was sitting on. However, the feline’s arm slipped right past her grip and all she got was a grunt of disapproval. 

Y/n wasn’t talking to Chaewon.

The older couldn’t figure out if it was because she was still sick with the flu or if it was because she got the flu from Chaewon. Could it be because they were missing their group schedule in America? Or because something or someone wasn’t here. Y/n had always been impossible to read, well, not to one person. 

She had become aware that Y/n turned whiny and reasoned like a five-year-old when she was sick though. 

Chaewon had a toddler on her hands. 

She squinted her eyes, leaning her weight onto Y/n’s desk as she wasn’t sitting far from it. The feline was focused on the canvas in front of her that was on its stand. There was a faint, barely there, scent of oil paint lingering in the girl’s room. 

Chaewon had spent her whole flu in bed and gotten better quickly with a few symptoms lingering. She wasn’t sure how Y/n was able to even sit up on the stool without toppling over, however she could see the small shivers run along her body. The feline was sitting with her knees hugged to her chest, in sweats and a t-shirt. 

Her stubbornness was driving Chaewon crazy; Y/n was refusing to take medicine, she didn’t want to rest and simply wasn’t doing anything she should be doing, but rather the opposite. The leader scratched at the side of her neck while staring intensely at the girl who was clearing her throat and sniffling. 

She pushed herself up and made it over to the girl’s bed to get her phone; there was one person who knew how to handle Y/n.

Y/n blinked her sore eyes as her night had been uncomfortable and she could feel herself slipping to sleep. The past few days she had felt empty as she had been isolated and she wouldn’t have minded. She had always enjoyed being alone, but it was different now that a sun had appeared in her small empty world and suddenly it was dramatically yanked away and thrown across the world. 

It wasn’t as dramatic, but it could as well be.

She tilted her head, ignoring Chaewon who walked out of the room, assuming that the older girl gave up on trying to make her get better. Her eyes scanned the painting which grew duller the longer she looked at it. It felt like grey clouds were covering the whole sky and she shivered at the cold that ran over her sore muscles. 

It was clear that something was lacking and nothing ever lacked in Y/n’s life; that’s what she told herself at least. She would hate to admit that she needed someone else but herself. 

“This one is gonna be huge on her.” Chaewon widened her eyes at the hoodie she pulled out, thinking about Y/n’s tall yet petite frame. She still threw the hoodie over her shoulder, the feline rarely wore hoodies and a cardigan or sweater didn’t seem like a cosy enough option in the latter’s opinion. 

“The bigger the hoodie the better,” Yunjin commented as she watched Chaewon stand back up after rummaging through her wardrobe for the specific black hoodie she knew Y/n liked. It was Yunjin’s favourite too, but she left it behind for the feline.

Chaewon did not have the patience nor knowledge to take care of the younger girl and so her last resort was the girl across the world. It was early morning on the other end and midnight was approaching in Seoul and the leader hadn’t succeeded with anything the whole day.

Now that Yunjin was awake she could help. 

“She’s literally about to turn 20, I feel like I’m taking care of a toddler.” She still complained as Y/n’s demeanour did a whole 180 the second she got sick. It was unlike the girl and it left her worried, but also in shambles as she had tried everything. 

“Do you want my help or not?” She questioned, however, Yunjin wouldn’t hang up until she knew that Y/n was all fine and asleep. It was already hard enough for the canine to fall asleep and then sleep through the whole night knowing that Y/n was sick on the other end of the world and suffering through her day without Yunjin being there to take care of her like she always did. 

“What’s with all this casual talk to me?”

“My bad bro.” 

“Okay well, that didn’t make it better–” Chaewon pointed out with a frown, seeing that America was already back in Yunjin’s system. She sighed, “What more?”

“The Scrump plush, she forgot it on my bed.” She sang out, resting her chin in her palm as she patiently, more so impatiently, waited for Chaewon to get the stuff and hand the phone over to Y/n. She wanted to talk with her and make sure she was fine. 

Chaewon scanned Yunjin’s bed and grabbed the scrump plushie whose head was on the pillow. With everything in hand, she made her way towards the door to get back to Y/n’s room downstairs.

“She doesn’t want to take her medicine.” She pointed out.

Yunjin frowned, over the past few years of knowing Y/n she knew her like the back of her hand, well, there were still things she was learning about her. Y/n was and always would be somewhat of a mystery. Whenever the girl was sick she took it upon herself to take care of her even if every manager advised against it; Yunjin would rather get sick than not take care of Y/n. 

“It’s anxiety-inducing, she doesn’t like taking it, but if you mix it with something–”

“I am not doing that.” Chaewon cut her off and stopped at the stairs to look down at the Facetime call with a frown. The two stared at each other in a second-long silence. 

“Then she won't take it.” Yunjin huffed out in frustration, mimicking Chaewon’s frown but a lot more seriously. “And I’m not there to take care of her either. They didn’t let me stay.” She continued as she wanted to stay behind for a few days, but obviously, that wouldn’t have worked out. Her lower lip jutted out as the corners of her mouth went down at the sadness she felt of being away from Y/n. 

It wasn’t the same, the nights were empty without a moon in the sky. 

“Because we have a group schedule.” The leader mumbled as she continued to make it down the stairs, ignoring Yunjin’s sad and devastated face; looking like a puppy kicked to the curb. 

“Has she eaten yet?”

“No.”

The loud gasp from the girl on the other end resonated through the whole hallway. It was almost midnight in Seoul and Y/n had yet to eat. 

“I tried to have her eat something but she says she has no appetite.”

“Because she needs her medicine first with something little to eat to get the fever down and then her appetite will be back.” The canine argued, feeling her heart rate spike up in worry at the information she was receiving from Chaewon. It was enough that they could barely talk because of the time difference and that they were miles apart, but now she was hearing that Y/n was not managing at all.

“Yunjin.” 

“You just need to make toast with jam, but mix the powder with the jam.” Chaewon groaned at Yunjin’s demanding yet pleading voice that quivered the slightest. It left her no choice as it looked like the girl on the other end wouldn’t stop whining about it and she needed to feed the second youngest member in the end. 

Chaewon stopped for a second as she entered the room, seeing that the feline was barely sitting on the stool at this point. Her cheek pressed against her knees as her one eye was closed and she meekly used the brush against the canvas. 

Y/n heaved a sigh and looked away from the painting and at the older girl who made it over to her. “Being stubborn and grumpy won’t get you better.” Before she could reply the brush was removed from her hold and Chaewon placed it off to the side together with the rest of the things, Yunjin on the call included. 

She didn’t have the energy to argue as her hands were wiped off of any possible paint with the damp rag. It didn’t register in her head when everything suddenly went black and then the light came back; a hoodie now draped over her body. It made Y/n shiver, but in a good way at the comforting warmth and most importantly the scent it carried. Things started to feel like home for the feline.

“Come on, get up.” She was ordered and groaned in response, however, she allowed Chaewon to pull her off of the stool. Her tired eyes looked down at the plush that was placed in her hold and next followed Chaewon’s phone. 

The older girl guided Y/n over to the bed before leaving as the younger was being entertained by Yunjin. 

“You really are my little Scrump, acting like you only have six days left with how sad you look,” Yunjin commented, unable to hide her smile, making her pull the collar of her shirt to make it more subtle. Her eyes roamed Y/n’s face on the screen which became a blur when the girl manoeuvred around to make herself comfortable.

“You could pass as Scrump.” The canine laughed, teasing the sick girl. 

Y/n huffed, her eyes squinting the slightest at Yunjin as she finally lay on her stomach, resting her chin on the scrump plushie. “Are you comparing a sick person to Scrump?” The feline bitterly asked and got a nod in return. 

“I want to see you two side by side–” Yunjin started and looked at Y/n who didn’t budge. “Please?” She added with a small pout and the younger girl groaned in annoyance, her voice a slight rasp. 

Suddenly everything seemed less gloomy; Y/n’s sky was starting to clear up from the dark clouds while Yunjin’s nights had their moon back

Yunjin laughed as Y/n and Scrump were side by side; the girl’s messy hair from the hoodie took away from how serious she was. The baby hairs that stood up at the top of her head made her resemble the plushie even more. 

“Yunjin–” Y/n whined, seeing the screenshot Yunjin took which made her put the plushie down with a frown. 

“I needed a new phone background.” The feline rolled her eyes and settled her cheek against Scrump’s head, making Yunjin tilt her head at how it squished Y/n’s cheek. She took a screenshot with her memory this time to not further stir the already whiny girl. She was aware that even if Y/n would never admit it out loud she loved being doted on and babied when she was sick. 

Yunjin would always do it even if they were worlds apart; she’d do everything and anything to take care of Y/n and make sure she was fine. The same way Y/n did even if she didn’t say that she did; Yunjin felt cared for. That was more than being told that she was cared for. To just know. 

“You’re just staring,” Y/n mumbled, her eyes half open as she stared right back at Yunjin who she had silently watched move around the hotel room. The older girl’s eyes still constantly glanced over at Y/n until she was sat in an armchair and could have all her attention on her. 

“I miss you and looking at you and being with you and just you. The rest are getting annoying to look at.” Yunjin replied, her ginger strands falling over her shoulders as she stared down at the phone with a small smile that made her eyes crease and heat run to her cheeks. She couldn’t get enough of the girl, but she wouldn’t tell Y/n how cute she found her at the moment. 

It made a want grow in her; to take the girl and squish her out of love. 

She’d do it the second Y/n and Chaewon would land in Los Angeles to resume their schedule with them.

Yunjin’s eyes laid on Y/n with a fondness in them, one that made the girl forget everything even being sick. However, Yunjin was more than just a distraction for Y/n. She had somehow turned everything Y/n always wanted to be distracted from into something she no longer minded; Huh Yunjin made life bearable for Oh Y/n. 

“You will get annoyed by me too at some point.” Yet specks of gloom would grain Y/n’s view, but it was never for long with Yunjin there. The feline hummed grainily, still sick albeit distracted from it, her body slowly melting into the mattress. 

She’s heard people judge the girl, she’s seen how hard Y/n had it; being dubbed as hard to deal with and put up with; a stuck-up outcast. To Yunjin she was necessary; she was the moon that pulled her tide. 

She didn’t need the rest to know it though, to know Y/n’s worth and the person that she was; she only needed Y/n to know it. She would always reassure Y/n, she would never get tired of it, never get tired of her feline. 

“The only thing I will get annoyed by is you not being with me.” Her eyes squinted, one a bit more than the other until she closed one fully to inspect Y/n even closer. “Is it wrong to miss you? We can barely even talk because of the time difference.” She sighed, opening her eyes and jutting out her lower lip with a tilt of her head.

“No–” Y/n halted in her words and stared back at Yunjin, her frown still present and she at last relaxed and slumped fully into her bed. She hugged the plush closer to herself while still resting on it, blinking as she felt the words forcibly pushing up her throat, making her purse her lips in an attempt to stop them. Yunjin made it impossible though. “It's annoying because I miss you too.” The feline let out annoyed. 

Yunjin let out a breathless chuckle at the words, deciding to leave them at that to not test her luck. It did spark up her insides and make her feel warm; Y/n always made her feel better and she only wanted to do the same. 

“I’ve heard that smiling is a powerful medicine.” There was still one thing she wanted to do and it was to make her Scrump smile. 

“Well, clearly you haven’t studied medicine.” The canine rolled her eyes at the reply while Y/n looked at her unimpressed. 

“I don’t have to study it to know that seeing you smile makes me feel better and that it makes me smile and then it will make you feel better when I smile, Scrump.” 

Y/n raised her eyebrows at the girl’s reasoning, refusing to smile at the light-hearted words that were nothing more than silly yet meaningful. Her eyes observed Yunjin who moved around, propping the phone up to stand on its own.

“Like this…” The latter closed one eye for better accuracy while using her fingers to try and lift the corners of Y/n’s lips. It was like magic; Yunjin smiled bigger as Y/n tried to hide her face in her shoulder only to peek up and not be able to hold back the smile that tugged on her lips at what the girl on the other end was doing. 

The smile was too big for Y/n’s liking, especially over such silly gestures, but the simplest things from Yunjin did that to her.

“You’re so stupid.” She grumbled and let the phone drop face down just as the door opened. 

“Bro, pick me up!” Y/n ignored Yunjin’s complaints and turned onto her back, propping herself up against the pillows resting against the headboard. 

“Could you please eat this?”

“I guess I could,” Y/n replied, taking the plate from her leader as Yunjin’s whining about being picked up continued. Finally, after hours uttering a word to the other girl.

“Is she being annoying?” Chaewon questioned, unsure if she should pick up her phone, hearing the girl on the other end click her tongue at the question.

“She even called me bro. America is getting to her head.” 

“Hey!” Y/n rolled her eyes at how loud Yunjin managed to be even through the phone, eating the toast she was served. The older girl slumped down beside Y/n and took her phone at last, flipping it over and the first thing she received was a stank face which made her do one in return.

“Why are you acting like I threw you away?”

“Could I get Y/n on the phone, please?” The canine discarded Chaewon’s question, catching a glimpse of Y/n’s head that rested against the leader's shoulder. 

“She’s eating.” 

“I wanna watch.” 

“I’m not a tripod.”

“You could serve as one for now.” 

“No.”

“Ok then give her the phone so she can hold it and you feed her.” 

“That’s ridiculous.” 

.　 . • ☆ . ° .• °:. *₊ ° . ☆

“I don’t think I want to have kids in the future anymore,” Chaewon grumbled as she accepted the ridiculousness of Yunjin’s request. It did let her make sure that Y/n ate everything. 

She realised how much Yunjin spoiled the girl but what baffled her the most was that Y/n allowed Yunjin to spoil her and didn’t argue about it like she did with everyone else. The girl didn’t shut her out nor did she turn a cold shoulder. Not being there to do it, she did it through the leader. Always finding a way for Y/n.

“You’d be a good mother.” Y/n tiredly mumbled, starting to feel better, subtly stretching her limbs and wordlessly seeking for comfort that she got from Chaewon who wrapped an arm around her shoulders. It let her snuggle up to her with her head on her chest, eyes growing heavy.

“Since when are you nice to me?”

“Since always.” The feline replied, her eyes barely open as Yunjin was still on the phone, now getting ready for the schedule they had today. She was still not tired of talking endlessly as Y/n quietly listened the way she always did; Chaewon doing most of the talking with the latter.

“You were just a pain in the ass a second ago.” Y/n huffed at the words as Chaewon patted her head before running her fingers through the black strands.

“Okay well actually, do maybe reconsider becoming a mother.” Chaewon rolled her eyes, looking down at the phone with feigned bitterness as Yunjin was giggling.

“Please Yunjin, talk to her until she passes out.” 

Yunjin happily did, talking until both of them fell asleep. 

[gggukniverse]

not tired | jjk

title: not tired

pairing: jungkook x female reader

rating/genre: fluff and smut, established relationship au

summary: jungkook helps you sleep on a stressful night.

warnings: anxiety (pretty detailed description of an anxiety attack so pls read carefully), a lot of praising, oral (f. receiving), jungkook is really really sweet.

wordcount: 2.1k

note: okay hiii this is the first story i write here, pls be nice !! also english is not my first language so please excuse any grammar error. i hope you like the story !!!! <3

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this is ridiculous. you've been studying all day non-stop even though jungkook got mad at you for not resting and yet you're feeling as awake as ever. you can see it's already 3am on the digital clock on the nightstand and you don't feel not even a little bit of tiredness in your body.

you can hear jungkook's soft snores against your neck, his arm lazily thrown over your waist and his leg tangled with yours. he's obviously sleeping, he fell asleep almost as soon as you both got into bed, but it's been like 5 hours and you're still staring at the dark ceiling not knowing what to do to be able to fall asleep.

it's not the first time you have trouble falling asleep, but usually you didn't have any problem when jungkook was not working outside the city and could be with you. you know it's because of the stress you've been going through these past few weeks over your finals, you can literally feel the tension in your body, you can't relax because tomorrow you have the last exam of your last year of college.

oh my god, the last exam is tomorrow and you can't sleep. you'll need to feel awake tomorrow for everything to go well and you can't seem to rest. you're gonna fail, the exam is gonna go terribly because you can't sleep.

you suddenly start feeling out of breath, you need air. you need to breathe. walking towards the window seems like the best option now so, as much as you love having your boyfriend curled up to your side, you need to push him away. you start to do it as gently as you can, pulling his arm away from your body as your own arms start to shake with the anxiety building up in your body.

but he notices. his body twitches and he's suddenly opening his eyes, tilting his head a little to look at you.

god, you woke him up. he was resting for tomorrow. he also has a busy schedule tomorrow, that's why you both went to bed early tonight. now his sleep has been interrupted because of you. it's your fault.

you can literally feel your throat closing up, you can't take in any air. you can't breath and your whole body starts to feel numb.

"baby?" jungkook rasps, moving to stand on one elbow so he can see you better through the dark. the little light coming from the window lets you see his worried expression. "baby are you okay?" his eyes are barely open. he must be so tired.

your mouth opens for you to try and tell him you can't breath but your voice doesn't come out. you can't talk and you're starting to feel dizzy with the struggle of trying to breathe. the best you can do is reach for his arm with your hand.

you can see the realization in his face. it's just like a switch turns on inside his brain. jungkook quickly sits up and holds you by your arms to sit you up on the bed right in front of him.

"hey, look at me baby." his voice is calm but you can feel how he's trying is best not to freak out because he knows that's the last thing he should do when you're having an anxiety attack. "breathe with me, okay?" his hands are placed on your arms, softly caressing your skin. "just like how i do it." he takes in a big breath, his shoulders lifting up a little to emphasize the action.

you do your best to follow him but a sob escapes your throat when you can't take a breath because you're hiperventilating.

"slowly baby, you don't need to rush it." jungkook says as soon as he sees you struggling and you nod, closing your eyes for two seconds before looking at him again. "breathe with me." he takes another breath again and exhales, you start to follow, little by little. "so good baby, you're doing so good." he nods with a smile that already makes you feel so much better than breathing. "i'm here, okay? look at me and breathe." he takes a big breath again and you follow, your lungs starting to feel better and your body relaxing again.

when you close your eyes you can feel tears that you didn't even know you had rolling down your cheeks, but jungkook's fingers are quickly wiping them away.

"are you feeling better?" he asks and gives you as much time as you need to steady your breathing before opening your eyes and looking at him again. you nod but it's not enough for him. "words."

"yes." you finally say and he smiles, sighing in relief. "thank you.. so much, really."

"what happened?" he mutters and you suddenly feel so bad because he truly looks tired.

"i- i couldn't sleep, and i have to rest before the exam tomorrow, i'm gonna fail and-" as soon as you start rambling jungkook grabs you by your arms again and shakes you a little.

"baby breathe, okay?" his voice is so soft. you nod and take a few more deep breaths before speaking again, slowly this time.

"i've been trying to sleep for hours but i can't, i can't relax and i need to rest for tomorrow.."

"why didn't you wake me up before?" he pouts a little and you lower your face in embarrassment.

"because i didn't want to bother you, you shouldn't be awake right now." you mutter.

"hey, no no no.. don't worry about me." jungkook quickly replies and slides his hands down your arms to hold your hands. "what can i do for you to get sleepy?" he asks and you shrug.

"i don't know." your voice breaks and you try to play it off since your head is down and jungkook wouldn't be able to see the tears in your eyes. but he knows.

"come here." he lets go of your hands to open his arms.

a little smile appears on your face and you move to straddle his lap and wrap your arms around his neck while he wraps his around your body, keeping you close.

"you're stressed, aren't you?" he mutters and you swallow, closing your eyes and trying not to start crying. "i know.. it's okay baby, you're doing so good." one of his hands starts rubbing your back up and down. "close your eyes."

"they're closed." your voice comes out shaky so he hugs you even tighter.

"do you want me to sing to you?" he says and leaves a sweet kiss on your neck.

"mhm." you nod.

"okay." you can hear his smile on his face and slowly starts to rock back and forth to calm you down.

as soon as he starts singing you can recognize the song. it's one of the songs he wrote for you a while ago. he sounds really tired but you find it impressing how he can still sound so good. his hands keep rubbing your back slowly, actually calming you down.

but by the time he finishes the song you're still awake.

"baby?" he whispers.

"still awake." you mutter and hear him sigh. "koo, you should sleep." your hand goes to his hair, tangling your fingers with it.

"not until you fall asleep." he hums and you chuckle a little.

"you almost fell asleep three times singing.

"i'm okay." the boy insists and you roll your eyes. "c'mon, lay down." he flips you two around to lay you down on the bed.

"what are you-" the words die on your throat when he suddenly puts his lips on yours.

he kisses you really slowly and your whole body relaxes once again, your legs going to wrap around his waist but he quickly pushes them down again, which earns a whine in protest from you.

"stay still." jungkook whispers as his kisses start going down to your neck.

"koo." a little moan escapes your mouth when he sucks a hickey on your neck.

"pretty." he mutters and goes up to your ear. "can i make you feel good, baby?" you shiver when you feel his breath against your ear. "just with my mouth, you only need to lay there." the little bite in your earlobe makes it for you.

you nod and immediately buck your hips up, making jungkook giggle. he helps you getting rid of your pajama shorts along with your panties and lifts your shirt just enough to place little kisses all over your stomach as he positions himself between your legs.

"so pretty.." he repeats and you put your hand on his hair, pushing it away from his face to be able to look at him while he bends one of your legs a little and puts it over his shoulder, starting to leave kisses on your inner thigh too. "close your eyes baby."

with a sigh you let your head fall back on the pillow and close your eyes.

"breathe, okay?" jungkook reminds you again before leaving another kiss on your inner thigh and you hum in response, taking a deep breath and letting it go.

although your breath hitches when you feel his fingers teasing your entrance, only when he starts running them through your folds you notice how embarrassingly wet you are.

"koo please." you whimper and hear a little chuckle from him.

"shhh.. stay quiet." the order only makes you feel hotter.

but you're definitely not quiet when you feel his tongue on you. a loud moan slips through your lips and you tug at his hair unvoluntarily.

"so sweet.." he hums and you tug even harder, but he wraps his hand around your wrist and squeezes. "relax baby." he says and gives your folds a wet kiss.

"sorry.." you whimper as you relax your hand.

"it's okay, you're so good for me."

the praise makes you melt and you let your body fall limp on the bed, trying not to twitch everytime he gives a suck to your clit.

he's slow, really slow to show you that he's doing this so you can relax. your body feelss numb by this point. he knows what he's doing, he knows better than anyone else how sleepy you get after an orgasm.

each time you moan he also hums in response, making the vibrations push you closer to the edge, and each time you buck your hips up he pushes them against the mattress again.

"koo.." a whine escapes your lips when you feel a finger prodding your entrance as his tongue circles your clit.

"can i?"

he said only mouth before but you can't say no when his finger starts being swallowed inside you so you just hum with a nod, whining when he easily slips another finger. you know you're still stretched from the morning before. yes, jungkook likes morning sex.

"fuck..." you sigh when he starts slowly moving his fingers in and out. "mhh.. so good.

the chuckle he lets out makes you clench around his fingers, he takes the opportunity to curl them inside and you cry out his name as your legs twitch from the pleasure.

"there?" he asks as he curls his fingers the same way again, the tips brushing against your sweet spot.

"yes." you moan and bite your lip to try to hide embarrasing sounds.

"like that, baby?" he keeps moving his fingers in the perfect way and gives your clit a little suck right after asking.

"koo.. fuck." your back arches inevitably and your hand tugs at his hair again. "don't stop... please..."

he doesn't stop, he keeps doing exactly what you need and soon after you're clenching around his fingers with a loud moan and trembling legs.

"so good." jungkook praises as he lets you ride your orgasm on his fingers and kisses your clit one last time. "such a good girl."

"koo..." you try to catch your breath and reach out to him with your hand. "come here." you beg and he's quickly hovering on top of you again.

"how are you feeling baby?" he asks and gives you a sweet kiss. you don't care that he tastes like you, you lick his lower lip.

"mhh... tired." you giggle against his lips and he smiles.

"good."

"i feel a little sticky, though." you mutter, making him chuckle.

"wait a second," he gives your lips a last peck. "i'll be back." he gets up from the bed and quickly walks out of the room.

but you don't remember him coming back. you've already fallen asleep.

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A/N: aaaaaahhhh i hope u liked this little story !!! feel free to tell me your thoughts, it would be nice to see a little feedback, it would help me get motivated to keep writing <3 thank u so much for reading. have a nice day 💕

[bullet-prooflove]

I've just found your work and I'm obsessed 😭 I never usually ask for things - too scared lol but feeling brave. For Dr Archer Chicago med and the three things prompts please can I request: cat + whiskey + socks 😂

Tagging: @kmc1989 @mandy426 @mysticcandymiracle @sweetdaytimedreams @cosmic-psychickitty

Dean does not want a cat, he has never wanted a cat but apparently he now has a cat, one that likes to nap in his sock drawer and yowl him awake when he sleeps past seven am.

“That’s because he likes you.” You tell him when he complains to you about it. You have  the whisky coloured kitten snuggled up close to your chest and you’re depositing tiny kisses on the top of its head. “He knows who his Papa is.”

“Isobel.” He says firmly. “I don’t want to be it’s Papa, we need to rehome it.”

The look on your face, it makes Dean feel like a monster.

You don’t speak to him after that. You spend the evening playing with the kitten on the floor until it curls up on your lap and falls asleep and he just watches the Cubs game, pretending that there isn’t an icy cold chill between the two of you.

This whole thing started when you were cutting through the park on your way home a couple of days ago. You’d heard a persistent meowing coming from one of the trashcans you walked past and when you’d looked inside, you’d found a tiny bedraggled kitten, thrown away as if it were trash. You’d bundled the thing up in your coat, brought it home and it’s been living here ever since much to Dean’s discontentment.

When he wakes up the next morning, you’re already gone from the apartment but the cat it’s still there. He observes the note on the coffeemaker telling him it’s been fed asit lingers by it’s bowl looking hopeful.

“It’s nothing personal.” He tells it as he takes a couple of the cat treats you bought out of the pouch and places them in the bowl. “I just like my space.”

The cat brushes up against his hand, rubbing it’s cheek across his knuckles. Dean scratches it behind the ears and it begins to purr under the attention, stretching out as his palm lightly caresses over its back.

“Maybe we can come to arrangement.” Dean tells the kitten, scooping it up and escorting it to the fluffy grey cat igloo that now resides next to the sideboard in the living room. He sets the kitten down in front of it and it brushes it’s face against the fabric. “You stop finding your way into my sock drawer and actually go to sleep in the cat igloo she got you then maybe you can stay.”

The cat delves inside, padding it’s paws on the pillowing and Dean takes that to mean they’ve come to an accord.

It’s late when you get in that night, it’s been a bear of a shift. There’d been a pile up and you’ve spent the past few hours trying to find space for your additional guests and work their autopsies into your already busy schedule. You still haven’t had a chance to find a new home for the cat, part of you is hoping Dean will change his mind but you know the likelihood of that.

When you step into the living room, Dean’s sitting on the couch watching an old war movie, the kitten is resting on a cushion in his lap, his palm lightly stroking over him as they both stare at the screen.

“Are we keeping him?” You ask, trying as hard as you can to keep the excitement out of your voice and Dean sighs as he looks down at the kitten.

“I guess we are.”

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Like My Work? - Why Not Buy Me A Coffee

[garf-lover96]

Vesuvia Weekly; Watching Them Sleep (Rowan and Julian, feat. Portia!)

originally i had two concepts for this prompt and then just kept scrapping them interchangeably before i finally settled on this one. i wrote it in first person to try out something new!! the word count is like 1k as usual

———

"...And you're telling me this happens all the time?"

Portia stares down at Julian's unmoving body, his cheek pressed against the kitchen table and eyes closed. Her eyes are wide with shock but I can tell it's taking every ounce of self control she has for her to not burst out laughing.

Julian was convincing me that he could manage to stay awake for a few more hours since we already invited Portia over for some early evening tea. But the moment I left the kitchen to let her in through the shop's door, we both heard a harsh thud followed by a low croak. Apparently it was Malak that played a part in making Julian smash his forehead into the table.

I shoo the raven off his head with a deep sigh and he lands on the nearby counter with an annoyed caw.

"Not all the time... We just fell out of our sleeping routine a bit recently." I say quietly and cross my arms, "We used to go to sleep together—getting into bed strictly at the same time—to keep our schedule consistent, but all it took was one all nighter pulled and..." I wave my hand in Julian's general direction with a mildly guilty expression. It was my recent fever that made him not sleep well in the first place after all.

"Even all that caffeine didn't help him in the long run, huh?" Portia scoffs and rolls her eyes, "...He looks awful." she mumbles, tilting her head to get a better look at him.

We both keep staring at Julian. Nobody would expect someone as perpetually exhausted as him to be an aesthetically pleasing sleeper... And he sure looks terrible. His hair is disgruntled, his eyebags worse than ever, he has a faint red mark on his forehead and he's starting to drool onto the table a bit. That's actually kind of cute... At least his face doesn't seem tense, as it so often does due to his night terrors.

So, suddenly, I get a very strong urge to defend Julian's honor in front of his own sister...

"Actually, he doesn't look all that awful. He's been worse. This is, despite the fact that he's passed out on the table, a big improvement from where we've come from-"

"I can still say he looks ugly." Portia cuts me off with a snort, desperately trying not to start giggling about the situation like a maniac.

"Well- I doubt that Nadia looks all royal and stunning even while she's asleep..." I bite back and nudge her arm with a smile.

"Hey, don't you dare drag Nadia into this! I'll have you know, she looks especially gorgeous when she's asleep!" she tries to sound offended, but isn't able to hide the huge grin on her face.

"...I refuse to believe that."

Just when I think our bickering session is only beginning, Bluebell, that's been sitting cuddled up to my neck this whole time, snags a strand of my hair and brings my attention back to Julian.

"...Right, I should at least get him to bed." I sigh out and scratch the magpie's neck gently.

"Need help with that?" Portia asks, but she's already walking around the table to hoist Julian up from his seat.

"He's light enough... If you just help me get him into my arms, I should be fine."

We move the chair away from the table and Portia manages to catch him before he completely topples over.

"Damn it, he's completely knocked out." she grunts out as he grabs his shoulders.

We maneuver his limp, asleep body for a good few minutes before I finally manage to get a secure hold on him. His arms get thrown over my shoulders which causes Bluebell to fly over and perch on Portia's head instead. And I have to hold his thighs really high up so that his feet don't drag on the floor...

"Pfhah, now he's drooling on your neck..." Portia snickers and slides the chair back under the table.

"Right, just... Just open the door to the bedroom, please..."

I can feel Julian tighten his hold on me for a moment and beginning to nuzzle into my neck before his chin painfully stabs my shoulder. It makes me shudder but I just start walking faster to get him in the bed as soon as possible... At least he's easier to carry when he's holding on like this.

Portia holds the bedroom door open for me and I finally manage to walk over with him to the bed. Supporting his back, I try to lay him down as gently as I can, but I accidentally stumble and make him hit the mattress. Then I almost fall over on top of him which actually makes him stir a little.

"Ahh, who goes there...?", he rubs his eyes and squints at me, his accent sounding a little thicker with those being his first conscious words.

But oh no, I know that tone...

"Has the time finally come? A charming knight has arrived to wake me from my slumber..." he says in a theatrical voice and raises one of his hands to touch my cheek.

I freeze, feeling Portia's eyes boring right into my back. "Uh, Julian-"

"What, aren't you going to kiss me and seal our..." he trails off when I shake my head at him. Then he just stares at me with a very confused and disappointed expression.

I straighten up and step away from him. He goes completely red in the face the second he notices Portia is in the room as well.

"I should've known you guys roleplay of all things. Why haven't I seen you on the stage together yet?" she says with a smirk, looking between the both of us. Julian's still so disoriented after the nap that he can't even get a word out... He probably forgot we were having Portia over too.

"We should get that tea, uh... Brewing... Come on." I quickly pull a blanket over Julian and take his sister's arm to lead her out of the bedroom.

"...Are you going to answer my question?" Portia asks after I close the door behind us.

"I uh, I have stage fright, actually." I answer quickly and take Bluebell off of her head.

"You should get over it, and soon. I can only watch Ilya alone on a stage, monologuing away so many times... Maybe a romance would be a nice change of pace in the repertoire." she elbows me in the ribs with a small giggle, "I am serious though. I could even help you practice and all!"

"...I'll give it a thought."

I really do not want to give it a thought. But I know Portia won't let this go, maybe ever. I might as well start getting a costume ready...

[planetpiastri]

blinding throwing darts let’s GOOOO “if anybody were to kiss me… i would want that person to be you,” + “you mean— you and me? kissing?” with mr. callsign bob <3 i feel this works but if u think it strikes real well w one of the others do that!!!!

hangman is such an asshole in this LMAO trust i still love him but anyways this prompt is so cute<3 mr. callsign bob is such a sweetie pie i love him | [wc - 1.5k]

The night had been complete shit from the very first moment you stepped through the door into the Hard Deck. As soon as the others saw you arrive, they cheered—and then Coyote’s voice rose above the others, saying loudly: “Hey, come give your lover-boy a smooch!”

Everyone laughed, clapping each other on the chests and shoulders. At first you had laughed too, tilting your head in confusion as you grabbed a beer from Penny and joined the others at the pool table.

“Good to see you,” Phoenix said, giving you a one-armed hug. “We weren’t sure you were going to make it.”

“Thanks,” you replied. “Yeah, my schedule freed up. What was that Coyote said?”

At that exact moment, Coyote and Hangman walked up to you, with the prior’s arm thrown proudly over the latter’s shoulder. Before you could get out so much as a ‘hello,’ Coyote jostled his friend and said, “We all heard the news. Congrats, you two!”

You tilted your head again, fixing Hangman with a deathly stare. “What?”

He had the decency to look embarrassed, knocking his knuckles against Coyote’s shirt buttons and saying, “Come on, let’s get back to the game. It’s not a big deal.”

“No!” insisted Coyote, swaying slightly, and you realized suddenly that he was definitely not sober. “No, this is a big deal! y/n over here made it very clear when we all met up—no sleeping with other pilots, that’s what you’d always say. But looks like even you weren’t immune to this one’s charms.” And he gave Hangman another excited shake.

Slowly, the reality of the situation dawned on you. You wanted to scream; you wanted to dump your drink on Hangman; you wanted to break something. But all that came out of you was a small, shaky whisper: “You told them we slept together?”

Hangman’s cheeks colored. “I said we kissed—”

“But we didn’t!” you interrupted. “We’ve never—I wouldn’t—that isn’t—god, Hangman, why would you do that?”

Coyote squinted, glancing between you and his friend. “Wait—what?”

“Oh, my god,” you said, your face burning hot. You felt like you were going to be sick. Everyone was staring at you. But you only had eyes for the man in glasses on the far side of the pool table, who was watching the whole confrontation go down without being able to look at you.

When you said firmly, “We never kissed,” your words were only for Bob. But he didn’t meet your eyes.

Mortified and disgusted, you pushed off of the stool you were sitting on and shoved past Coyote and Hangman, ignoring the way Coyote stumbled and nearly fell, and especially ignoring the way Hangman tried to catch hold of your arm and say your name as you passed. You blinked back angry tears, furious with the whole situation, and threw open the door to the bar, collapsing against the wall outside and burying your head in your arms.

You’d always known Hangman and his buddies talked about you. From your very first day, they’d been making passes at you, and you’d finally loudly and rudely blurted that you didn’t sleep with other pilots. You’d hoped that would make the problem go away, but it had only made it worse. The others had almost taken it as a challenge, just becoming more obvious and flagrant with their flirtations.

But Hangman and Coyote had been your friends, too. You knew that with them at least, the flirting was light-hearted—more of an inside joke than anything serious by now. And you knew Hangman hadn’t meant any malice behind the rumor. He’d probably just gotten drunk and competitive with the guys and blurted out the best thing he could think of.

But the fact of the matter was that you hadn’t made that rule because of your rigid moral fiber. You’d only said it to get Hangman and his friends off your back, because they were getting in between you and the guy you really liked—Bob.

God, you’d had a crush on him pretty much from the moment you’d met him. And he’d seemed to reciprocate at first. And then you’d said that stupid thing about not sleeping with pilots, and Coyote had made it into this big thing, and Bob had pulled away from you.

And now he thought you’d broken that rule with Hangman of all people.

You wanted to scream. You didn’t smoke, but you wanted a cigarette.

From inside the bar, the bell rang, and people cheered. You rubbed your hands across your face, contemplating just calling it a night and heading back to your apartment to bust into the emergency pint of Ben and Jerry’s you’d stashed in your freezer. Then the door next to you opened, and somehow the night got worse.

“Hey,” said Bob, standing in front of you. He still wouldn’t meet your eyes.

“Hi,” you said, your voice raw. You propped your elbow on your knee, resting your cheek on your fist. “Is everyone talking about it?”

Bob hesitated for a moment, thinking. Then he said, “Yeah.”

“God,” you groaned, covering your eyes with your hands. “So embarrassing.”

The sand crunched as Bob stepped closer, putting his back against the wall and sliding down to sit next to you. The knowledge that he thought you’d slept with Hangman ate away at you, but you couldn’t open your mouth. You couldn’t say anything.

Bob finally broke the silence. “Phoenix made him buy everyone a round. Said this was the definition of disrespecting the Navy.”

You barked out a dry, humorless laugh. “I’ll thank her for it later.”

He shifted on the ground, fiddling with his fingers. After a long while, he said in a small voice, “Is it true?”

“No,” you said immediately, turning to make him meet your eyes when you said it. “I swear. I would never—not with him. It’s not true.” You paused. “Does everyone really believe I would?”

Bob looked uncomfortable. He was trying to meet your eyes, but he kept looking away. He shrugged noncommittally, half-nodding. As if it explained everything, he said, “It’s Hangman.”

You sighed again, thudding your head against the wall and staring up at the sky. Puffing up your cheeks, you blew out a big gust of air. You weren’t sure what came over you then. Maybe it was the emotions running high; maybe it was the tears that were begging to be spilled; maybe it was the tightness in your chest. But you heard yourself say, “I haven’t kissed any of them. If anybody were to kiss me… I’d want that person to be you.”

Immediately, embarrassed heat flooded your face. This was different from the heat back in the bar; this was excited, almost nervous. When Bob didn’t say anything, you glanced sideways at him.

His eyes were wide behind his glasses, staring straight forward, and he’d stopped fidgeting. When he realized you were staring at him, he swallowed hard and said quietly, “You mean—you and me? Kissing?”

You laughed again, clapping your hands over your face. “Oh, my god, I’m stupid. I don't know why I said that. I’m sorry. You must think I’m some horny nincompoop who can’t—”

A rough, gentle pair of hands closed around your wrists, pulling them down and away from your face. And before you could say anything else, Bob had pressed his mouth to yours.

You were still for a moment, unsure how to react. How had you gotten here? But then his fingers squeezed one of your wrists softly, and you reached up to cup his face, and you forgot how to think. His lips were soft, and he tasted like—were those peanuts? And when he pressed his tongue to yours, he swallowed the soft groan that you let out in response, kissing you like you’d never been kissed before—kissing you like he could take away every ache and pain anyone ever caused you.

You probably would have been happy to kiss him on the sand outside the Hard Deck for the rest of time, but the front doors swung open loudly, causing both of you to jump. His hands were still around your wrists—and yours around his face—when you both turned to see Payback, Coyote, and Rooster tossing Hangman on his ass in the sand.

Dimly, you realized that people were chanting ‘overboard’ from inside the bar. Coyote mock-saluted his friend, laughing and turning to go back inside. Rooster flipped him the bird, and Payback said, “Try again tomorrow, Jakey.” Then all three of them went back into the bar.

It was Hangman, groaning on the sand, who was the first to notice the way you and Bob were wrapped around each other. He blinked like he couldn’t believe it, and said, “What happened to not sleeping with pilots?”

“He’s not a pilot,” you said.

Hangman groaned, his head falling back and hitting the sand. “How do I say I’m sorry?”

You found yourself smiling and you pushed one hand up into Bob’s hair, carding through his soft locks. “I’m pretty over it, Hangman,” you said, and then you turned and pulled Bob’s mouth back to yours.

Behind you, Hangman groaned again at the sight, but you ignored him. He might be the most annoying idiot you’d ever met, but without him, you wouldn’t be kissing Bob Floyd on the sand outside the Hard Deck as the sky turned dark. And that kind of made it all worth it.

[xoxoluvnicole]

hi! i'd like to request a married life with sapnap headcanon please c: thank you!

this is fairly long because i did different things that are incorporated into everyday married life with him!

cw: suggestive themes, pet names

~

Doing Everything Together

Whenever Sapnap isn’t streaming he leaves his office door open so you can always come in. He even has a second chair in there that he bought for you.

You walk in his office and lounge your arms around his shoulders, watching what he was focused on. He leans back in his chair and looks up at you, giving you a quick kiss.

You pat his shoulders before standing up, “I’m gonna go to the store, do you need anything?”

He quickly spins in his chair as if he was shocked you would ever do anything without him. “Can I come?”

You laugh, “Of course. I just thought you were doing something.”

He quickly saves and closes out the program he had open.

When the two of you come back from the store he stands next to you the whole time you’re cooking.

Physical Touch Is The Love Language

You’ve been laying in your bed for half an hour, waiting for him to finish up on someone’s stream. When he finally came in he launched himself into the bed, landing on top of you.

You laughed, laying a hand to run across his back. His lips kissed up your neck to the curve of your jaw.

He pulled himself up to rest on his elbows, “I have to take a shower but I want to stay here with you.” He whined.

You flashed a fake pout at him, “Do you want me to come with you?”

He quickly nodded, dragging you out of the bed. He loved when you showered or took a bath with him. It didn’t even have to be sexual, he just lived for the skin-to-skin contact. He insisted on washing the shampoo out of your hair, his finger tips were gentle across your scalp making sure he got every last bubble.

The two of you got dressed together after, Sapnap helping pull your shirt over your head. You settled into bed, Sapnap lying on his back with you on his chest.

Having The Same Routine

Since marrying Sapnap you’ve adopted a lot of his mannerisms and vise versa. Your husband doesn’t have the most “normal” daily routine. He was often up late working on things or streaming at absurd hours.

It was the middle of the night and you were up watching some random television show. Sapnap was up in his office streaming for his thousands of fans. You knew his friends were probably up with him too, all having horrible sleep schedules.

The click of his office door opening and closing told you he was done. He walked in your room, pulling his hat and sweatshirt off to make himself comfortable.

“I thought you’d be asleep..” He smiled before laying down next to you.

You turned on your side to face him. “Not really tired.. I wanted to wait for you to come to bed anyway.”

He shuffled closer to kiss you. “Sorry I stayed up so late and made you stay awake.”

“It’s okay, love. I don’t mind it.” You gave him a smile before moving to wrap your arms around his waist.

“I love you..” He said, moving in to kiss you again.

“I love you too.”

Constant Affection & Love

You stood infront of the fridge, looking for anything that struck your fancy. You were hungry but you weren’t in the mood or cooking and snacks didn’t sound good.

Sapnap walked up behind you, placing a hand on your lower back and a kiss on your cheek. “What are you doing?”

You sighed, leaning over to hug him. “I’m hungry but I don’t want to cook..”

Sapnap peered in the fridge to assess the food you had, “Do you want me to cook for you?”

You looked up at him with the hopeful sparkle that he loved so much. “Would you?”

He nodded before moving away to get started on a meal for you. “Anything for you my darling.”

He stayed true to his word and made you whatever food you requested. You were now sitting on the couch, your legs were thrown over his lap so he could give you a foot massage. Even if he wasn’t fully paying attention, his hands were always soft and careful when it came to you. He always made sure he never hurt you, even in the slightest.

“You’re a great husband, you know that?” You spoke out.

He turned his head away from the television with a soft smile on his face. “Thank you but you make it easy. Not hard being married to you.”

The rest of the night went on with Sapnap telling you how beautiful he found you and how he was so lucky to have you. He loved when your face blushed after he gave you a compliment.

[pbandjesse]

I have thankfully not thrown up again today. I also did not go to the ER even though I considered it. My head hurt so bad and I couldn't take anything more then the baby aspirin I had already taken. James ended up bringing me an ice pack and I step with it under my head and against my face and I think it's the only reason I was able to fall asleep.

And thankfully I would wake up feeling a lot better. Still really tired, after really struggling to sleep (I spent a lot of time just walking around the house, even tried laying down in the guest room) but I wasn't in as much scary pain.

I did feel more swollen in the middle today. I am still able to get away with my belly button ring but I can for sure see my middle rounding out which is interesting.

I also really wanted to get IHOP. Which James would say yes to. I got up and took a shower. I washed my hair. I continue my every other day schedule and it's working well for me. My hair wouldn't be dry for a few hours. So I just put it up in a clip and we headed out.

It was a nice day but it was slightly chilly out this morning and it didn't registered for me until we were downtown and parked. So James let me wear their jacket which was very appreciated. Love them so much.

The IHOP downtown is super slow. They always have been. Despite there being maybe ten people in the whole place we were there for a really long time.

But we enjoyed each other's company. We had a quiet time. It was nice. The pancakes were a little dry. They were out of whipped cream and they didn't give me much strawberry syrup and then our waitress didn't come back for a really long time. James accidently poured coffee on their pancakes which was hilarious but they said they were still good. I wonder if it was kind of like a tiramisu.

Our waitress, while she wasn't super attentive, was nice. She was also pregnant and we commiserated about that. She's due in May and was already round and I said I was jealous. She said it's probably because it's my first, which I have heard before. Still jealous.

I was feeling tired. We had parked like 4 blocks away and half way back I was like. I am so tired. James cheered me in and we made it back to the car without me falling apart.

We got home and I went upstairs. I was feeling a little off but I didn't want to completely do nothing in the next two hours before I needed to leave for my class. So I worked on the next row of my floor mat. And so now there is only one left.

I would get in bed after that and laid with James for a long time. Just scrolling and chatting. I wasn't feeling to bad, just tired. But I was slightly queasy. Which made me a little nervous.

At 1215 I left. I held sweetp for a bit and James took our picture. And then I was off. I decided to stop at 7/11 for a juice and it helped my queasy feeling a lot. So I texted James to please add juice to the grocery list for tomorrow.

BAS was actually really good today. Mary Ellen and Naomi beat me to awah for the first time ever because I had stopped for that juice. They clowned on me a bit but we were all still ten minutes early so it didn't matter.

And we got set up and waited. But for some reason only two students came to the teen class? We decided it was because it was so nice out. It was really a beautiful day.

Student Naomi was there with her mom and I was excited to tell her about the pregnancy and told her how it's been going. Naomi was fun y when she came in she went "you're still pregnant?!" And I was like yes these things take a while. It was very funny.

Because it was so quiet for the first hour me and my assistant Naomi painted our own pumpkins. I was showing off a little with my pumpkin. I wouldn't have as much time with the background, which I would mainly work on during the adult class, but that's alright.

But thankfully we had a full house for the adult hour. I had pre drawn a bunch of pumpkins and I'm really glad I made that call because it really helped some of our more high support needs students. And it was really a lovely class. Everyone was really into painting and it was just a very nice class.

We ran up right to the end of the hour because we were all having a nice time. Andrew, one of my favorites in the class, came over to give me a very firm and exaggerated handshake, and we showed each other our paintings and it was just a really positive way to end the day.

We cleaned up and locked down the building and I headed home. James was waiting for me.

When I got home I changed my shoes because it had warmed up so much. I thought flip flops would be good because we were going to go for a walk in the park. But they caused wild blisters on the top of my feet. We decided we would go to Mathews for an early dinner and I was really hurting. I just needed a bandaid. I knew I would be fine once I had a bandaid.

We were to far from home though and so I was determined to make it to the restaurant. And I did but I was wearing my sandal basically sideways so it wouldn't touch my poor blistered foot top. Ouchie.

I did make it to the restaurant and the nice waitress would find me a bandaid and I would be much more comfortable. And dinner was grestm we having been to Mathews in weeks. And they had added new things to the menu! We will have to go back and try some of the new stuff. They also had one new waitress. Our normal waitress friend, Grace, was not there. I hope she is well.

Me and James talked about making time for ourselves when baby is here. And fears about losing ourselves. And helping each other and being supportive and supported. I am really glad we can talk frankly about this kind of thing now.

We both agree it's already a little hard to not lose ourselves because it's absolutely the only thing on our minds. Baby. Not feeling good. Preparing. It's very understandable now while it becomes people's entire personality. I don't want it to be my only thing. But I get it.

The walk home was not to bad. My other foot was starting to get another blister but it didn't break and we made it home. We took an interesting way back and got to see some nice houses and plants. And made our plan for when we got home.

When. We got back here I got changed. And went and laid outside with sweetp. James did the laundry and would install our new door security thing. They had finished putting up the wallpaper in the baby room this afternoon and it looks so nice. They would also hang up the new curtains in our bedroom but I didn't like the loops at the top. So I asked them to take them down so I could sew channels on them. And so I worked on that and am much happier with them. They are dark for sure but I think they are perfect for the winter.

We had a nice evening. Eventually I would take a bath. And then me and James would talk while they put away the clean clothes. And now we are just laying in bed. It has been a really nice day. I feel lucky that I got to spend so much time with James.

Tomorrow I hope to do studio work. And then I have my rhumatologist appointment in the afternoon. Hopefully I feel fine. I hope you all have a good day and are feeling fine. I love you all. Good night!!

[milf-n-dilf-dippin-dots]

IM GOING TO KILL IM GOING TO KILL IM GOING TO KILL

Last night my roommate and I got some drinks- i shared some soju w him and hit the hay after packing away some stuff n tidying/rinsing etc

I leave at 9am this morning, 3 bottles of soju on the table, 2 cans of sprite and some snacks on the table "oh its fine, he knows im out im sure he'll tidy and throw out some of the counter rubbish for me :>"

Come home at 4pm

The only thing thats been done is the 8 dishes that were in the sink (lil cups, 2 bowls from dinner and cooking utensil) not including the pan on the stove

Nothing thrown away!! Im going crazy!!!!!!!!!

Be so fr gang, am i like. Blowing it out of proportion? Or is the fact that im the primary cleaner of the house insane.

Important note is that i have no choice but to be the person who does mostah the cleaning- because he sleeps 12 hours a day, waking up around 2 or 3 pm and not going to bed until 5 or 6 am.

I went away for 2 nights n i come home and hes like "oh i could finally get stuff done because im only productive at 4am"

Which hey man sure dude you do you i dont care what you do in yer free time-

But my ass isnt gonna go 'yes! Sure! You can vacuum and wash dishes late at night/early am! Even though it keeps me awake because i cant close my door!'

But i also dont want to end up being this dudes damn mother the fucking manchild doesnt even know how to mop properly- or vacuum properly! And he doesnt vac the carpet! Or wipe down the oven/benches after using em! Like cmon man!!

"Oh but maybe he didnt get taught!"

Dawg i am his roommate, at what point is it my responsibility to teach a whole entire dude how to take care of his surroundings. I saw his room when he moved out- it was bad. This dude borders of raw negligence of his surroundings, and if it wouldnt cause me the harm i would stop cleaning up after him just so hed suffer. And he leaves the tap running to wash dishes.

I dont know what i expected tbh- his parents built 2 houses for their kids next to their 2 storey spiral staircase chandelier having house.

Im fighting for my fuckin life over here- 300 rent a week, 125 a fortnight for a couch, 50 a month for wifi, etc while this dudes like "yeah i paid all my rent a month in advance, and i get my money from dividense" it makes me want to break his trachea.

Like lets be fr i am blatantly not a pleasant person, moreso in high doses, and moreso when i have to deal w someone who fucks their own life even when theyve gotten dealt the perfect hand of cards to do well.

Like, yeah man im sorry you cheated on your girlfriend of multiple years for 5 whole months then got sad about it and became an insomniac but im not gonna suffer your shit schedule and not sleep well because you wont see a therapist or take meds. Like is that my problem? To be clear im not a cunt to his face, but i am a cunt. And i am annoyed at him. Maybe i should commune like a normal person, but that involves me sitting this dude down to tell him he needs to pay attention to things like 'responsibility' and 'reasonable expectations'.

He had guests over a while ago and i ended up cooking for them all!! And cleaning up after them!! And making breakfast the next morning!! He apparently makes 1800 a fortnight and he spends almost all of that. He owes me money!! Sometimes i pay for groceries n he just has to pay me back! Like dude???

[elisysd]

37. Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements?

Masterlist - Previously -Next

Chapter soundtrack: Chasing Pavements - Adele

He had begged Christian with all he had to not say anything, to make him think he had misunderstood what Ethan had unintentionally revealed. He would have groveled at his feet if needed but he managed to persuade Christian to keep it to himself.

“I don’t like that, Ethan.”

“It won’t change anything, Christian! Unless something big happens, Kyle will be world champion and Ludwig P2. You won, so what does it change if Julia works or not with her dad? Actually, think of how it could benefit you! Now you know that whatever upgrades Ferrari is bringing, Julia worked on them. You can see by yourself how an amazing asset she will be to the team!”

“You’re a clever man, Ethan. Really clever. I like how you think. And you have a deal. Give me her phone number, I’ll give her a call tomorrow but in the meanwhile, I’ll have our team in the factory drafting her proposal.”

“Thank you Christian. For everything.”

“She hasn’t accepted, yet. I’ll try my best to have her but nothing is signed.”

“So you really want her?”

“I want to win. She is talented. I want to only work with the best so I’m going to do my best to have her and I won’t settle for a no.”

Julia was about to sleep when her phone rang. She expected to see Ethan’s name show up but was thrown aback when she saw an unknown number on the screen. She let it ring. She was a bit mad to not have been able to reach Ethan despite trying multiple times. She had sent him a text as soon as the race was over but barely got a thank you back. He had ended up, three hours after the end of the race, telling her that he was busy and would call her on his way to Brazil the next day. It was not helping Julia as she was supposed to meet with the woman in charge of decorating the vineyard for the wedding with her mom but she would try to fit the call in her hectic schedule. But when her phone rang a second time with the same number, she got curious and picked it up.

“Hello? Julia Leclerc here, who is it?”

“Julia, hello, Christian Horner here.”

“Chris… Christian? To what do I owe the pleasure?”

“I know that you are looking for a new job in F1 and I have an opening in the team, I was wondering if it is something that would interest you.”

She didn’t know what to say, it was probably the last thing she expected to hear.

“I… I mean, it’s very nice but I’m still contractually attached to Skoda…”

“2 millions.”

“Two what?” she couldn’t help but gasp. It was more than ten times what she was worth to Skoda.

“You would work in a direct relationship with our factory. Not only working on the development of the car but also on the conceptualisation of the next one. You would have a whole team under you. How does that sound.”

“I… I mean… why? I’m really flattered but… I don’t have experience….”

“Because Skoda never gave it to you but I know how to recognise talent and potential when I see it, and you miss Leclerc you are a diamond that needs to be polished.”

“I… I don't know what to say…”

“You would have your own car, we will take care of the accommodation, of course you would be needed on the tracks during race weekends. You would be closely working with Maserati as well. It’s going to be a lot of work, I won’t lie. A lot of hours but it’s also a professional challenge that I wouldn’t offer to anyone. You would be dedicating your life to the team.”

“I’m flattered to be considered, don’t get me wrong but… gosh it’s a lot. I don’t know if I’m up to the task.”

“I understand. I don’t need an answer straight away. I’ll give you the summer break but I’ll need to know by September.”

When she hung up, she let out a huge sigh that she was not aware she was holding back. Ferrari was her dream, her dad, the ultimate goal, all that she had ever done in her life was to end up at Ferrari. In her head it was out of the question to go anywhere else. She had always made decisions with her heart. Like her dad. Sure it cost her to miss some nice opportunities in the past but she had never regretted them, because she knew why and where they came from. But her own team, building her own car or at least participating in it? That was another dream of her, one she always thought she would achieve at Ferrari once she would have proven herself. But now Christian was offering everything she was dreaming of on a silver plate. But it wasn’t for Ferrari. That night she didn’t sleep very well.

It was the first thing she told her mom when she woke up the next day and if Lyanna was not already sitting, she would have fallen on the floor.

“Julia… That’s…”

“Unexpected? Incredible? Frightening? Exciting? Weird? Yeah, I know. I’m freaking out.”

“What are you going to do?”

“I… I don’t know…”

“But you are considering it, right?” Lyanna asked.

“I mean… I have to. It’s probably an opportunity that comes once in a lifetime. For someone like me, I mean.”

“You deserve it, Ju’. It’s just weird… Christian never does things out of kindness; he always has a hidden agenda. I don’t say that he doesn’t think you are the right choice and you wouldn’t be able to do it. But you barely have experience, you never proved what you could do with a car that he would be aware of…”

“That’s what I don’t understand. Why me?”

“Don’t you think Ethan could have pleaded your case?”

Julia would be lying if the thought didn’t cross her mind. After all, Ethan once promised to help her get out of her situation in Skoda back then but as he had never really talked about it with her, she thought he had moved on. But maybe she was wrong after all. She hoped he had not intervened. It was bad enough that she was thinking she would get in Ferrari because of her dad. If she were to accept the job in Lamborghini it would be because of her boyfriend. When would she finally have something that she deserves?

“I hope he didn’t…” she confessed.

“I hope so too.” her mom replied.

She would have liked to ask him if only she could get a hold of him. She really had, once again, the feeling he was ignoring her. No matter her texts or calls, they were left unanswered. And she knew he was not very busy, he was laughing in Ludwig's stories. She ended up giving up. She was tired of going after him and to answer him in seconds when he was calling her. It was about time he put on some work in their communications attempts.

It took days before he finally texted her, being unusually elusive when she told him she had something to announce. When she finally was able to reach out to him, it was only for him to tell her that he would probably need to cut short the call as he had a dinner to attend to with Chloe.

“I won’t be long then. I received a weird phone call a few days ago. You wouldn’t happen to know what it was about, right?”

“Why would I?” he replied, defensively.

“I don’t know? Maybe because he's Christian and that he offered me a job in Lamborghini. And not just any job. It’s big, Ethan.”

When she heard the long silence on the other side of the line, she knew he was already aware. She clenched her jaw and tried to contain a sigh.

“I’m going to ask you an answer and I want the truth. Did you or did you not ask Christian to offer me a position?”

“Julia…”

“It’s yes or no.”

“Yes, but…”

“How could you?” she said in a laconic voice. She was not mad at him, in a way she expected it and she didn’t know if it was something good or bad.

“I just wanted to help. I meant it when I said that you were talented and that you were wasting it away back then. I just talked to Christian, asked him to offer you something. I didn’t know it was going to be that type of position, I swear. It’s all you.”

“So you do know everything…Was it the reason why you avoided me lately?”

Another pause but if she closed her eyes it’s almost as if she could picture him trying to find a way out of the situation.

“Partly. I didn’t want to have to lie to you or I didn’t want you to get mad at me if I was telling you that I knew about the proposal. I needed time to think about the situation. And…”

“I’m not mad, Ethan. I just wish you would have told me. I wish you would talk to me more often… I feel you are distancing yourself from me and I don’t know why. What did I do?”

“It’s not you. It’s all me.” he tried to reassure her.

“That’s a very cliche line to use…”

“I heard you on the phone in Buenos Aires. Congratulations Martin. I was on my way to say congrats to your dad and I heard you…”he finally confessed.

“Ethan…. not again.”

“I know! Believe me, I know. It’s just… I can’t help it, okay? He makes you laugh, he makes you smile, he would be the perfect son-in-law. He is every moms’ dream. And me? I ignore you, I know I make you cry, I can be an ass when I want. I’m not perfect and I try to be the best for you because you deserve it, but… no matter how hard I try to change, the old me always comes back. I just want to make you happy but sometimes I wonder if you wouldn’t be happier without me.”

It was her turn now to be completely speechless. She had guessed that sometimes Ethan was doubting himself, that under that pile of arrogance there was an insecure guy that was trying to hide it by showing that he was better than everyone. But by now, she knew him better than that. She knew how hard it was for him to always get compared to his dad, she knew the pressure he was under. Pressured by the media, his team and most of all, himself. He wanted to be remembered for who he was not for who his dad was.

“You make me happy. But lately, I felt so alone in this relationship. I want to be there for you and I want us to talk about these things and find solutions together. But I can’t do that if you don’t talk to me and if you shut me out. I’m trying to work on myself to be more open to you, I know I’m not perfect either, but if I do something that hurts you, I need you to tell me.”

“I’m trying, Julia. I swear I do.”

But he didn’t tell her that he was not trying too hard because deep down, a part of him believed that this relationship wouldn’t work out, no matter how much they would try. And he was fighting this little voice every day. He loved her, why wasn’t it enough. He wanted the first part of the season to be over. He wanted to go home to her, to have her in his arms so he could control the situation. Not having her near was driving him crazy. He hoped that all his doubts and interrogations would be cleared once home. And he hoped that confessing to her would make their relationship stronger.

He ended up hanging up and Julia couldn’t help but have a bitter feeling about the conversation. She could see how the lack of communication was starting to be a major problem but despite how much she wanted it to work, she was starting to get tired of it. How could she feel so close to someone and at the same time so far away? She needed to see him, she needed to feel him. So, in a desperate attempt to try to find a solution she booked an impromptu flight to Canada. She wanted to surprise him and maybe they could have a real and deep talk about the situation.

Her eyes wandered on her desk to find Ethan’s flat keys. She played with them for a while, contemplating the idea of going there to work a little. She needed a little space to think. Think about Christian’s offer, think about her future at Ferrari, think about her relationship, think about herself for once. She packed a bag with a few things and told her mom she would be away for a few days. Seeing how her daughter was conflicted, Lyanna didn’t try to reason with her.

When she arrived, it was cold and dark. She started with opening the shutters and the window and unpacked the groceries she had picked up on the way. She rummaged a little through his cupboards to find them mostly empty. She knew he was barely there and didn’t see the point of making the flat feel homely. She went to his bedroom and went through his drawers. She didn’t know what she was searching for, even if she was searching for something. She just wanted to feel him, somehow. As if his place would give her an indication of what he wanted from her. She went to his bedside and opened the drawer to find a frame. Turning it she almost dropped it. It was a bigger picture and with a higher quality of the picture of her and Louis in the karting competition they had gone to, the very first time they went out with both families.

Looking at it she knew she had made the right decision to follow her heart and to give them a chance. Something beautiful between them was there, under the surface, if they managed to break it she knew deep down that it would become the greatest thing in her life. But they still had a long way to go.

She stayed at his place until the Sunday race, comfortably sitting on the sofa. But unfortunately the race went short for Ethan that had to DNF during the formation lap after his team detected a failure on his engine. Julia didn’t even watch the race, spending the two hours on the phone with him, trying to find the words to console him.

“I want the summer break to be there already. I’m tired, I’m sick of hearing what people are saying. I’m not dumb, I see the look on their faces. They don’t have to say anything, I know they are thinking about my dad. Do you know what I heard a journalist telling someone in the paddock? That Maserati was thinking of not renewing my contract. That’s bullshit but I’m tired of the false rumors and I’m tired of feeling alone. I want someone to have my back for once.”

“I have your back.” she said.

“No offense Julia, but I meant someone that matters.” hearing her silence he was quick to add, “Someone that matters in the sport, I meant. You matter but it’s different.”

“In every season there are ups and downs. You hit a down after a few races but I’m sure you’ll come back stronger after the break.”

“Only two races and then it’s your parents' wedding. I thought about something…”

“Dangerous.”

“Shut up. Kyle is taking Romy to the Maldives, it’s a surprise don’t say anything, that means I don’t have any other plans. Would you like to go somewhere? Anywhere, I don’t care as long as it’s with you.”

“Ethan Verstappen, is that an attempt at romanticism?” she joked.

“Haha. Very funny. What do you think?”

“I think it would do me some good. I think I need it, too.” she confessed.

“Did you think about Lamborghini’s proposal?”

“I did, yes. And I'm just as lost and confused. I don’t know what to do… This job is my dream, this is everything I worked so hard for, all my life. But it’s not for the team I want. It would be like betraying my dad if I was accepting.”

“I’m going to play the devil’s advocate here. Do you think your dad would give you such a position in the next three to five years if you were working there?”

Julia knew the answer. Her dad had always been a firm believer of ‘if you work and prove yourself hard enough, things will go your way’. She knew that she would eventually have the same kind of position in the team, but not as fast as what she could have if she was saying yes to Lamborghini.

“I’m not stupid, I know that I can’t dream of something better than what Christian is offering. I’m not naive.”

“I know your love for Ferrari and I respect it but… close your eyes and imagine that: you, building the fastest car of the grid and me in that car. We could be world champions, Julia. Together. I don’t think Ferrari has what it takes to fight for the title. Not next year and probably not the year after. So yeah, sure you get to work with your dad, but in Lamborghini you would work with the best of the best. You would fit so well. And you would be working on both Maserati and Lambo cars.”

“Sounds like a very good dream.”

“With a very nice paycheck as well.”

“You are messing with my head.”

“At the end of the day, I want you to be somewhere where you feel like your skills are valued. I want to see you thrive. If you think you’ll fit better at Ferrari, I’ll support you. But blue would be a very nice color on you.”

“So, you won’t get mad if I end up choosing my dad. “

“I won’t.”

“Even if it means I’ll get to work closely with Martin?”

“Don’t push it.”

“I’m serious though. If I end up choosing Ferrari, I need to know that you’ll still trust me and that you won’t throw a tantrum every time I’ll be near him. Because it will inevitably happen.”

“Do I hate the idea? Absolutely. Do I trust you with him? I do. But don’t ask me to trust him, I won’t.”

“I can survive knowing you trust me.”

The next week was spent in a blur for Julia. Her mom had to fly to Los Angeles for a few meetings, leaving her in charge of the house, her brother, working on what areas they could try to improve on with her dad and still making arrangements for the wedding. She had so much things going on that she didn’t have time to call Ethan. She was running on her third coffee of the morning after spending a night dreaming on what it would be like to move to England and work in the Lamborghini’s factory with the team, maybe even crossing paths with Kyle or Ludwig at the coffee machine. It had been a really sweet dream, when her dad rang her for their weekly meeting about the car.

They spent the hour talking about the data until Charles caught Julia daydreaming.

“Ju’, are you still with me?”

“Uh? Yeah… Sorry, I was elsewhere. I’m listening.”

Charles stopped sharing his screen and stared at her.

“Did your mom finish driving you crazy with the wedding?”

“Actually, it’s almost done. Most of the things are booked. The venue, the hotel, the orchestra and the catering. Now it’s just details but mom handles most of them. I’ll have the bridesmaids fitting the day after tomorrow.  I can’t wait.”

“So, if it’s not that, what’s wrong?”

Julia bit down on her pencil, trying to find the right way to tell her dad about the opportunity from Lamborghini.

“I… I’ve been approached by a team to work with them.”

“You wouldn’t tell me if you were not seriously considering it.” he said after a pause.

“It’s Lamborghini. And it’s a pretty big contract.”

“Of course it is… Christian when I’ll catch you…” Charles mumbled.

“I didn’t want to hide it from you and risk him saying anything to you and learning it that way.”

“I want you to work with me, Julia. That’s always all I’ve ever wanted. Not only because you are my daughter but because you have the mindset to work for Ferrari. You know the history, you know the challenges, you know the teamspirit. You fit there. I’ve always imagined you next to me on the pitwall.”

“You want me to be a race engineer?” she asked, surprised. She had never thought that it would be something that she could be qualified for.

“I wanted you to work in the engineering department first but always thought that you would be much more useful on that wall. The way you see the races and analyze them… you have what it takes. I wanted you to work on the next car and his upgrades as a junior engineer. For two or three years, just so you can still learn how the factory works and our process. I thought you could participate in the after races debriefs and the setups meetings. And then, when you would be comfortable with all of that, I would have asked you to move to the pitwall. As race engineers. I thought Martin could use your patience and calm, he is a little reckless sometimes. I was going to give you a contract by the end of october, so you could officially start straight away. I’m already negotiating with Skoda to buy back your contract with them. So, now you know. The question is, did Christian offer you better than that?”

It confused Julia even more than she already was. Her, being a race engineer in the future? That was totally different from what she had always imagined. It was a challenge, it would force her to come out of her shell, she would get the attention for sure. She could recognise her dad in this. How he always pushed her hard to go beyond her limits. Christian was offering her stability, something she knew she would thrive in. Her dad was offering her a challenge, something out of her comfort zone. And she didn’t know what to choose.

“Would you hate me, if I wasn’t choosing Ferrari?”

“Of course not. I would be disappointed, of course. But I want you to be happy. I don’t want you to make a decision based on how I would react, Ju’. I want you to think of you. Choose what will make you the happiest. Don’t worry about me.”

She nodded before changing the subject.

“Could you maybe arrange me a paddock pass for Montreal? I want to surprise Ethan… I miss him.”

“You don’t even have to ask. You know I always have one ready for you.”

It’s with a smile that she ended the call, her heart and her mind less heavy. She couldn’t wait to go to Canada even more after the Mexican GP results that had once again been an occasion to celebrate for Ferrari after a beautiful podium for Elijah. Ethan had a nice race managing a nice P6 that gave him a little smile after the last few ones that had taken a toll on him. And Julia couldn’t wait to go to Canada to surprise him. She hoped that they would finally be able to talk things through and to spend some quality time together. That’s all she wanted and all she needed.

Author's note: So Julia decided to go to Canada! How do you think it will go? Will Ethan be happy to see her or mad? And she has a pretty big dilemma ahead... What would you do if you were in her shoes? What do you think will happen next? Let me know your theories, I love to read them.

Don't hesitate to leave a comment or an ask, as well as reblogging and leaving a like. Besides the fact that I absolutely love to read you, it helps a lot for the story to find its audience. I also have a taglist for this story, so if you want to be added so you never miss a chapter, let me know.

Taglist:

@herondalism @aundercover @musingsbyshreya @karmabyfernando @reengard @mycenterfold @smoooothoperator

[whumpy-bi]

Owen with allergies, based on my own real life experience—

He’s been stabbed before. He’s spent days in the emergency room after getting his ass kicked. He’s been drugged and knocked out and all sorts of things over the years.

But god, nothing drives him crazy like being unable to sleep.

He’s awkwardly propped up on the arm of the couch, trying to get somewhat comfortable while keeping his head upright. He knows he’s not sick, but he also knows he can’t rest his head at all without his nose instantly clogging up on him. Time is blurring into an indecipherable mess, Owen’s whole schedule thrown out.

He brushes off Blair’s look of concern, inviting her to sit by him. “It’s allergies, it’ll go away. ‘S not contagious.”

“Sure, but that doesn’t make you any less miserable, baby.”

“You…got a point, there.”

He moans in frustration again, pinching his nose in futility. When he looks back down, he sees Bobby on the ground, pointing his backside towards him. A clear demand for pick me up, dad.

Owen chuckles, extending an arm and setting the chihuahua down on his chest. The dog eagerly curls up on him, grunting in satisfaction.

Owen was exhausted, and irritated with his nose at the moment. But…things were okay.

[aching-tummies]

Oil and Milkshake

Happy (belated) Easter ^^

Life's been pretty hectic for me in the last week or so and I haven't had time to write about it until now.

Anyway...I think stuff started around Tuesday, April 4? Things at work were getting hectic because some coworkers were demanding to trade/pawn shifts off (to me) last-minute because they decided then and there that they wanted to attend Easter events. So...schedule is thrown out of whack and I'm picking up hours here and there as well as being told that boss is cutting my regular hours because he doesn't expect the weekend to be busy (I ended up with net-gains due to picking up all the shifts everyone else was dropping, so not too salty about the cuts). Welp, I was already dealing with the beginnings of a stressy belly around that day. I was looking forward to getting my errands done and using my one day off to rest up at home. Relatives pulled a fast one on us again, telling us with about 6 hours notice that they were coming into town and expected to stay the weekend at our place etc. 6 hours notice. At least 4 of which I had initially planned to sleep my stress and exhaustion away. So...yeah...got up bright and early to start whipping the house and guest-areas into shape for their stay (the guest area is usually a storage/laundry-folding area for those of us that live here when there are no guests).

With the relatives staying over, our usual diet got thrown for a loop. These relatives insist on take-out and always end up getting copious amounts of breaded/fried foods. So...yeah...that's all that was on offer at the house and in our fridge for 3 days. Fried chicken, fried squid, reheated fried something-that-may-have-started-life-as-a-potato. Honestly...the only greens I saw all weekend were the lettuce leaves fast-food joints use in their TV advertising. Yeah...needless to say that my stressy-belly turned into an upset one really quickly over Easter. To top it all off, Easter chocolate was going on sale and anyone that knows me knows that I never miss an opportunity to score some cheap chocolate. So...all weekend my poor belly became a vat of fried, oily food, and chocolate.

Come Monday morning, the relatives were gone and so was the fried hell that had taken up residence in our fridge all weekend. At this point my belly was just a constant ball of upset and I knew I'd have to work with the churning orb going at it for a couple of days...so I decided to try and salvage what I could of a healthier diet. I ate instant oatmeal and have been doing my best to ensure every meal I take in has at least 2 kinds of vegetables in it.

Anyway...my days off are coming up, and because I intend to rest and relax during them, I decided to run my errands immediately after work. I had some things to print off (graphic organizers...some for work 'cuz I'm in charge of training new hires so I create graphic organizers/charts to help trainees quickly find information rather than having to look all over the place or ask someone every 3 seconds). So...I went to go get those printed off and decided that I would treat myself seeing as it's the end of my work-week.

I went to a nearby food-court and tried out a new-to-me place, got a donair wrap with some roasted potatos to go with it. There were onions, tomato, and actual leafy lettuce on it...three whole chunks of lettuce, which is more than my tummy has seen in a week. I walked around the mall for a little while, hoping to settle my stomach 'cuz it was still pretty upset from the weekend and I wasn't sure if the new-to-me food would play nice. The potatoes were actually extremely oily. There was a noticeable pool of orange-y oil left on the plate after I finished the potatoes. As if I needed any more oil in my poor tummy.

To *really* treat myself, I splurged and bought myself a milkshake from an ice-cream place.

I don't know if it's the oily potatoes or the milkshake, or the combination of both...but my stomach's been more upset in the last 2 hours than it has been all week.

I got through 1/5th of the milkshake while waiting for my bus to come home. After getting off the bus, I still had half a hill to climb before I'd arrive at home and my belly was so uncomfortable. It wasn't aching...but there was a sickly, sticky feeling in it. It felt like my throat and esophagus was squeezing tightly together, preventing something from coming up. I felt a constant urge to burp, but every time I tried, I got nothing, despite feeling a pressure in my throat and in my diaphragm. Halfway home, I tasted something sour at the back of my throat.

I got home and made a beeline for my room. I recently purchased a cheap stethoscope to indulge in my own stomach's noises. Unfortunately, it hasn't been very vocal since I bought the stethoscope. Anyway...I immediately set it up on my stomach, prodding it into various areas of my stomach.

There weren't any loud noises, even with the stethoscope, but I could hear a constant burbling...like something was perpetually foaming within my guts.

Even as I type this, I still feel that nagging pressure telling me something needs to come up and having nothing actually coming up when I try.

Honestly...if I had a partner into this kind of stuff, I actually think I would welcome them being rough with my belly--anything to make this nagging "gonna come up" feeling disappear. I don't puke easily and can count on my fingers the number of times I've ever actually thrown up...maybe some manual encouragement would help? ;) In either case, feel free to take this as an invite/jumping off point for RP-Asks/Starter/Lite.

[once-upon-a-pirate-ship]

totally dumb and completely ridiculous (or: words to describe falling in love)

read my newest fic on AO3 here!

or, below the cut

summary: Emma Swan doesn't do love. She doesn't do romance, she doesn't do dates--none of it. Even if there's a charming professor hanging around who's tempting her to break her own rules.

just under 2k words

rated t for language

you can read my other fics on AO3 here!

taglist friends: I'm sorry again, I'll get the list and I'll fix it, I swear.

Emma Swan didn’t do love.

She didn’t do relationships or even dates and especially not ones with flowers and pink dresses and reservations and walks after dinner in the breeze that lifted off the water. She wasn’t the sentimental type, she wasn’t the type to sit by the phone, waiting for a ring or a buzz with a message from some guy. 

Maybe this stemmed from her independent-to-a-fault personality, maybe it came from one too many dates gone bad—or maybe she just wasn’t cut out for that kind of thing.

Love.

The thought of it made her stomach spin. That was something she hated about butterflies, too—how could you tell if your gut was screaming at you to run if there were stupid bugs flying around clogging up the alarm?

She’d spent years clipping their wings so they couldn’t make her fly. She didn’t want to fly. Flying meant leaving the ground, it meant letting your feet do something other than stay firmly planted in reality and reason. Flying meant feeling. 

So, naturally, the second she met Belle’s colleague—he was a professor, for fuck’s sake—and those butterflies started planning out aerial formations, she brought out her metaphorical scissors. 

Three weeks later, she created The List. Sketched out on a back page in her notebook:

Reasons Why I’m Not Romantically Available

     1. My schedule is chaos. 

Finishing her degree online was good in theory, but that theory failed to take into account that she still had to work and make money and also somehow maybe find time to sleep in between all of that.

     2. Money.

She didn’t exactly have the disposable income to spend on fancy date outfits or meals out. Plus, grilled cheese was one of her main food groups, and that wasn’t suitable Date Food.

     3. I don’t even like the guy. 

He was too charming, absolutely not sincere, totally a player. No matter what Belle had said. 

     4. He definitely doesn’t like me, so it’s not even worth making a list over. 

He refused to even say her first name—not exactly a sign of affection, right?

She frowned at the list, the one she’d written out instead of taking notes for her upcoming quiz. Four was barely a list. 

She huffed, pushing the notebook away from her and letting the pen clatter over it, a small line of ink marring the last point from the way she’d thrown it. This was so dumb, and she knew it. It was nothing, really. There was…nothing. 

This must’ve been a sign that she’d been hanging around David and Mary Margaret too much. She was reading into things. Trying to find romance where there wasn’t any. Even though she didn’t, as a rule, do romance. 

She took a fortifying swig of her hot cocoa, dragging her notebook back and turning it to a clean sheet, determined to do the thing she was actually supposed to be doing. She was so close to finishing, and she wasn’t going to let some guy distract her from it. 

—

Her last final taunted her. Her homemade study guide was its accomplice, and every single time she tried to read, it made her brain flutter around without a care in the world and without consideration for her final grade. 

She couldn’t afford to make a mistake now. She was practically there, her fingers twitched with the thought of holding the tangible evidence of her success, a diploma in all its glory after so many years. She was so goddamn close. 

But she hadn’t been able to focus for like a whole month. And her chest ached from trying to latch a tether onto it—she was so sick of that unsettled feeling, that wandering, that dread mingling with sick curiosity—none of it made sense.

It didn’t make sense that her hands trembled against her keyboard, like she was terrified of the words she wouldn’t write. It didn’t make sense that her jaw kept itself locked into a place she’d never gone, tension snapping her into bits and pieces. 

Her frustration with herself bubbled up at inconvenient times, it mocked her for a poorly written sentence, it buried a knife in her gut when she missed a question on a practice quiz. She’d been pushing herself for years, doing her best and practicing to do better and she’d always been able to let some part of her believe that she could do this, but now, at the end, when it really mattered? 

She was three steps from the top of this goddamn mountain, and her shoes were untied. 

In this analogy, she was clumsier. 

She couldn’t track it. She couldn’t break it into bite-sized fragments of logic that she could comprehend. She’d just been feeling like this with everything, all the time, since—

Fuck.

There wasn’t a glow of a lightbulb over her head, but there was a fairly satisfying click in her brain when she finally figured it out. 

It wasn’t her fault. 

The relief she felt from that thought was powerful, but it wasn’t more powerful than the irritation at the person whose fault it was. 

She didn’t care that it wasn’t fair to blame him, she was just glad that she didn’t have to blame herself anymore. And maybe it was the easy way out of this emotional circle of hell, but she had to do what she had to do. 

She grabbed her keys. 

She must’ve looked ridiculous, plodding to her car in slippers and sweats and what was quite possibly the oldest t-shirt she owned, but once again, she didn’t care. 

She didn’t care that in the six times she’d seen him she’d cataloged enough information to know exactly what street to turn on—it should’ve pissed her off that she remembered that it was Tuesday and he had a class after six every Tuesday and then he went to his office and did the grading he refused to pass off to his TA, because my students are here for an education from me, Swan, and they don’t deserve feedback from some ponce who has yet to learn how to read a clock. 

It was ridiculous, it was all so ridiculous, and she muttered that under her breath all the way there, her fingers thudding uneasily against the wheel. 

Three dinners at her friends’ houses, two coffees with Belle that turned into two coffees with more than just Belle, and one birthday party for Ruby at their local bar—she’d ignored the hardly subtle comments from not one but three of her friends, she’d ignored the suggestive glances they’d given her, she’d ignored the nagging in her gut that wanted to tell her things about him.

She’d sat beside Belle, across from him, and she’d tried so hard not to listen to the voice telling her that he understood. Just because he met her gaze when she’d fallen silent after a particular comment from Mary Margaret about the concept of home didn’t mean that he knew what it was like to grow up without one. And at coffee that first time, just because he’d supplied Belle with the perfect conversation to distract from her unanswered question did not mean that he recognized her need to evade the subject until she was ready to deal with it. And just because he—

It was so fucking dumb. 

It was dumb that she felt her heart twist right there in her chest when she saw his name on the directory, telling her to go up the stairs and down the hall.

It was especially dumb that she hesitated at his door, because she’d come all this way, and she wasn’t a coward, and all she really knew was that she absolutely had to do well on this last final and—

Well, that wasn’t the only thing she knew.

He was wearing his glasses when he opened the door, his hair ruffled as if he’d had his hand through it one too many times while grading. His pen was still in his hand.

“Swan,” he greeted, happier to see her than he should’ve been. Or maybe he just should’ve seemed more confused. His brow furrowed when his eyes trailed down to her slippers. 

Irritation bubbled within her to hide the embarrassment. “We need to talk.”

His lips quirked into that half-smirk. “I find that when a woman says that—”

She rolled her eyes, pushing past him into his office.

“By all means, come in.”

And then she was just standing there in front of him, in that stupid t-shirt that she should’ve thrown out at least four years ago, and he was there, waiting expectantly. Because she’d come all this way to interrupt him.

“What can I do for you, love?”

Her hands itched at her sides; she tugged them into fists. “This is all your fault,” she snapped. It wasn’t exactly what she’d planned to say, but she’d said it.

Killian took half a step back, his eyebrows shooting up. “My fault?”

“Yes!” she cried. “I have things to do, Jones. Important things. Finals I need to finish—you are familiar with the concept, aren’t you?”

“Aye,” he replied, partially amused, partially concerned. 

“I have goals. A checklist. Things I’m gonna do—things I have to do. And I can’t afford to waste a whole night of studying all because I—” She snapped her mouth shut, her chest heaving slightly from the exertion of anger. 

“Because you…what?”

Her jaw went rigid. “You.”

“Me?”

She practically growled, “Yes, you.” She crossed to him, an accusing finger landing on his chest. “You. I can’t get you out of my fucking head and that’s so unacceptable. I have goals, Killian Jones. No one is going to stop me from achieving those goals, not even you.”

He blinked a few times, confusion and slight indignation dissolving into wonder as he stared at her. “You…?”

She grit her teeth, withdrawing from him to relocate closer to the door where she could think better. His proximity made the butterfly army into a butterfly armada. 

“Swan,” he murmured.

Her gaze fixed on her stupid slippers. “This is ridiculous,” she huffed. She hated this. She hated feeling things. She hated that she wanted to feel things. 

“Swan,” he repeated, closer this time, and her head snapped up, her gaze locking with his. The sea churned in his blue eyes, even behind the frames of his glasses, and she was so fucking adrift. An absolute goner. 

“You’ve been in my thoughts as well—though I have no desire to banish you from them,” he said, his voice warm and tender. “I quite enjoy your company, Swan, and when I’m not fortunate enough to have you around, thoughts and memories ease a bit of that…pain.”

“Pain?” she echoed, her eyes frantically searching his for evidence of a lie she knew she wouldn’t find.

“I miss you, Emma. I’m not entirely certain that I’m allowed the privilege of missing you, but I’m afraid I can’t help it at this point.”

She swallowed, trying to find her feet just to know she was grounded. “I…”

He took her silence as a reply, stepping back and away from her. And that was the moment she felt like her feet lost hold of the ground. 

“Wait, Killian—” She caught his arm, tugging him back or meeting him somewhere in the middle, she wasn’t quite sure which. 

“Emma?”

He glanced down to see his hand now entwined with hers, and her heart roared at the sight of the pink that tinged his cheeks. And she’d been wrong. It wasn’t quite flying. It was landing. It was coming home. 

At least, that was what it felt like when their lips met. 

[wisemins]

crystal ball, smile, and bed with whoever's rotting your brain rn!!!!

Thank you so much anon!! I appreciate the ask and I appreciate you!! I'll be answering these for Stephen, my wizard husband as he's been on the brain a lot today!!

Crystal Ball 🔮 - Is your f/o superstitious? Do they believe in the paranormal? If so, what kind of stuff do they believe in/fear? Before he became a literal magic man, oh yeah he was nowhere NEAR superstitious. He was all about science and logic and was a whole ass surgeon! He had to get his astral form knocked out of his body before he even began to recognize it! Also thrown through the multiverse...and the dark dimension...and smacked by a bald woman who went by "The Ancient One". It took him a lot to start believing that kind of stuff was real, but now it's his whole job to fight and protect against that kinda stuff and way more! His greatest fear now that he's aware of all of this madness is losing me. Canonically speaking, throughout the WHOLE multiverse, there is only one universe in which he and I are together. The rest he either messes it all up, I somehow bite it, or I end up with someone else (staring at the rest of my MCU f/os). So, he knows this now, and he's absolutely terrified of losing me. He knows this version of himself is the only one who will ever have me, so he cannot afford to lose me no matter what.

Smile ☺️- What about your f/o makes you smile every single time? Furthermore, what’s something you do that makes your f/o smile every time? Oh, so much about him makes me smile. He's my favorite person, he's so...UGH I'm just such a loser for him and it's embarrassing!!! He's actually the lamest but...I've always thought he was the coolest guy ever, and I will continue to feel that way. So, my answer would have to be just whenever he's talking, or when he makes one of his stupid jokes. But really anything about him turns me into a smiling giggling mess of a person! Something that makes him smile that I do??? Definitely when I'm being playfully sarcastic, he's a sarcastic asshole himself and not a lot of people laugh at his jokes anymore-- *cue my gf laughing at him not with him* But he likes that I like his jokes and still think he's funny, and he thinks I'm really funny too! He also tends to smile a lot when I'm embarrassed or flustered, he's an asshole. Or very simply when he catches me staring at him like a loser, that gets him every time no doubts!

Bed 🛏️ - Where does your f/o like to sleep? Are they conventional with a good schedule, or do they find damp corners to call their bed?

He likes to preach about how important a good sleep schedule is, but then will stay up all night tippy tapping his laptop until 4 am right next to me in bed while I'm snoring up a storm. You'd think my snoring would annoy him, but honestly he's gotten used to it. It's like background noise to focus his late-night anxious thoughts! There have been times in which I will confiscate his laptop so he can go to bed though, because ain't no way HE'S the one with the bad sleep schedule. But, when he can put the technology and books away, my presence in general helps him sleep better. Cuddles are supreme when your wizard man has great tits 👍 Tysm again!!

[firetrucks-fastcars]

Hot Chocolate Weather

For TWP 12 Days of Tarlos @tarlosweeklyprompts

Dec. 12: Enjoying Hot Chocolate Together

TK and Carlos ride out a storm together and test out a Reyes family recipe.

Read on ao3 here

“I’m not liking the way this looks,” Carlos grumbled, stepping away from the window where he’d been peeking out at the storm. The plastic blinds crackled when he released them and TK pushed down the urge to fuss about him bending the pieces. It was a pet peeve he'd never been able to get over after years of being scolded for peering through the blinds of rented apartments in the same fashion. As if sensing his frustration, Carlos gently adjusted the bent piece before drawing the curtains over the window. Out of sight, out of mind. 

“Do you think it’s gonna get bad? Judd was saying something about tornado weather.”

TK really hated storms. They weren’t an anomaly in New York but something about the humidity of the South and the potential for tornadoes made it worse. Plus past experiences with storms, rain, ice, dust, or otherwise, he was understandably wary of weather that wasn’t sunny and blue skies. 

“The news is saying just some bad thunderstorms here, babe. But I’m gonna pull out some candles just in case the power goes out.”

Severe thunderstorms had been brewing in Austin over the last several days with the potential of tornadoes in other parts of the state and it was finally coming to a head. Luckily, TK had just finished his last twenty-four-hour shift for the week and Carlos was finishing up a highly annoying stint on the night shift, so they had a long weekend together to ride out the storm. 

Carlos moved across the loft, digging up their abundance of candles that had been thrown into a random drawer during the moving process. Living in Texas his whole life, Carlos had amassed a collection of mismatched tea lights and taper candles only to be used in the event of a power outage. 

“It looked pretty nasty when we were out on calls today. When do you think the bottom is gonna fall out?”

His answer didn’t come from Carlos but from the loud crack of thunder and the subsequent torrential downpour that began beating the windows of the loft. 

“Never mind, I have my answer. Thank you Mother Nature.”

Carlos chuckled and joined him in his sprawled-out position on the couch. “You wanna watch Grand Designs? We have a couple of episodes to catch up on and nothing else to do for the next few days.”

“Sounds perfect,” TK tucked his feet under him and curled into Carlos’ warmth. “Let’s just pray the power doesn’t go out.”

“Don’t jinx it.”

“Doesn’t this building have backup generators?”

“Only for the lights in the hallway, so we don’t fall and kill ourselves if we have to evacuate.”

“If all else fails we can try and play Catan with two people.”

“I’m not sure how well that would work babe,” Carlos stifled his laugh where his face was buried in TK’s hair. “We do have Scrabble though.”

“Wasn’t it you that said, and I quote ‘In this house we Catan’?”

“You’ve got me there.”

Carlos navigated the TV menu, pulling up Grand Designs and pressing play on an episode they hadn’t seen yet. He relaxed into the couch, glad to have some time just the two of them. The previously scheduled 126 hang had been canceled due to weather, and while Carlos loved their friends, he was bone tired and not feeling in a very host-like mood. He wanted nothing more than to spend the next four days in their current position, and maybe a few others once he caught up on sleep.

TK leaned heavily on this shoulder, occasionally making comments about the choices the builders and owners were making, but otherwise content to just enjoy the show and his company. 

Carlos had barely dozed off when TK tugged on his shirt, “Baby, we should make hot chocolate. It’s the perfect weather for it.”

It took him a minute to process the request, his sleep-addled brain still coming back online.

“That sounds good babe,” he agreed, once his body had gotten with the program. “Let me just make sure we have the ingredients.”

“Ingredients? Don’t we just need milk and the little packets?”

“Have I taught you nothing Tyler? Homemade is much better. Come on, I’m gonna teach you a family recipe.”

Carlos moved into the kitchen muttering to himself as he began pulling things out of the pantry. TK padded in behind him, wrapping his arms around his waist as he watched him pull out more ingredients than TK had ever seen used for hot chocolate. 

“Can you grab me a saucepan and turn the heat on to medium?”

“Yep.”

TK rummaged through the lower cabinet as Carlos moved over to a small wooden box and flipped through a handful of index cards until he found what he was looking for. TK emerged victorious with the saucepan and sat it on the stove, then flipped the knob over until the flame lit and adjusted the heat according to Carlos’ directions. 

“Grab the milk from the fridge too please?”

TK once again obeyed his instructions, bringing over the oat milk Carlos always laughed at him for putting in the cart, but had become a staple in their fridge. 

“My Mami would slap me upside the head for using oat milk in this,” he teased, measuring it out and pouring it into the pan anyway. 

“Just don’t let her know I converted you,” TK leaned up to kiss his cheek.

“Measure out these spices,” he handed over a faded index card, ripped around the edges, with various spices and measurements scrawled on it. It wasn’t Carlos’ handwriting and he wasn’t sure that it was Andrea’s either. “Cut the cayenne in half though, since you’re a lightweight.”

“Very funny.”

They worked in amicable silence, moving around each other in a way that had only been perfected by months of running into each other until they learned their partner’s natural orbit. Carlos hummed along to the quiet music he had turned on, never being able to cook in the quiet, stirring the mixture as TK very carefully measured out the spices according to the directions bestowed upon him and handed them over. 

“You said this was a family recipe,” TK said, hopping up on the counter next to the stove, careful to avoid the heat. “How long have you been making this?”

“My whole life,” Carlos reached around him for the chocolate and poured some in without consulting the directions then resumed his stirring. “There’s been a few iterations in my family. My dad’s grandmother made the first one, but it’s had some tweaks and changes over the years. This is a combination of her recipe and my Tia Lucy’s.”

“It looks amazing, I’ve never seen so much go into just hot chocolate.”

“My family does nothing by halves.”

Carlos finally deemed the concoction ready, reaching above TK’s head to pull out mugs. TK couldn’t help but giggle at the choices, Carlos subconsciously grabbing each of their favorite mugs. TK’s was a gag gift from Judd for his birthday, covered in pictures of Buttercup’s big, goofy face. Carlos’ was one that TK had found and bought for him just because, hand painted with the Northern Lights. 

Carlos ladled a healthy amount into both mugs, topping them with marshmallows and a sprinkle of cinnamon.

“Tell me what you think.”

TK took a sip, careful not to burn his tongue. It wasn’t as sweet as what he was used to, and he could taste the heat of the spices but it wasn’t unpleasant. It made him feel warm in the best possible way and he eagerly took another sip.

“This is literally the best hot chocolate I’ve ever had.”

“Good,” Carlos said, finally taking a sip from his own mug and humming contentedly. “My Mami will be glad to know it got your seal of approval.”

“If you make this again, I might just have to marry you,” TK teased, leaning up to kiss him, chasing the taste of bittersweet chocolate on his lips. 

“I guess I’ll just have to make it for the rest of our lives.”

“You’re gonna ruin norma; hot chocolate for our kids,” TK said casually. “They’re gonna think it’s crazy the first time they try Swiss Miss.”

Carlos hid his blush at the mention of their future children behind the rim of his mug, but TK caught the barest hints of a smile in his eyes. 

They were startled from their moment by the flickering of lights just before the apartment was plunged into darkness.

“You had to tempt fate didn’t you.”

Carlos used his phone flashlight to navigate to the living area, lighting enough candles to make things visible, but not enough to be concerned about a five-alarm. Luckily he lived with a firefighter and based on previous experience, had a fire extinguisher in every room. 

TK joined him, looking perfectly cozy in the candlelight, his mug cradled in his hands. They finished their drinks, now warmed from the inside out, and placed their mugs on the coffee table to be taken care of later.

Carlos laid back on the couch, pulling TK on top of him like a finance-shaped weighted blanket.

“You know,” TK mumbled from where his face was buried in Carlos’ neck. “If I get to spend all of them like this, I might actually learn to like storms.”

“There you go tempting fate again,” Carlos groaned, no real annoyance in his voice. “If we get you liking storms the rain may never stop.”

“Yeah whatever,” TK laughed, snuggling impossibly closer. “Blow out those candles so I can take a nap.

The power came back on a few hours later, startling them both out of their slumber when various devices started beeping as they came back online. They threw a frozen pizza in the oven, too lazy to make a real meal, and picked up where they left off on their show. The rain continued on through the night, a soundtrack to their evening as they washed dishes and showered together before turning into bed early. 

Carlos took his position as big spoon, nuzzling his nose into TK’s damp hair. He was once again almost asleep when the other man spoke, “I thought up something you can put in your vows.”

“What is it?”

“I promise to make you hot chocolate every time it rains.”

“I think we can work something out,” he chuckled. “Now go to bed Tyler.”

“Goodnight Carlos.”

“Goodnight babe.”

(If a few months later the line was worked into his vows, that was no one’s business but theirs. And if TK had the recipe memorized by the end of the year, then that was no one’s business either)

[flaming-rollsroyce-blaring-queen]

I can feel the downward spiral into a depressive funk.

My chest hurts, and I can even feel it in my stomach. It hurts to exist. But I can't cry because there are too many things going on for my family, and really crying just to cry would be a little self centered. I still live with my parents. My mum is absolutely calculated and cutting when it comes to mental problems. Most of the time, yeah, she is a good mum, and I do love her. But I don't enjoy being around her anymore. I do it out of obligation. I like hiding away in my little apartment when I can.

Scratch that. I don't really.

My dogs are in the main house. So is running water and trash bags so I can clean in here.

But I constantly feel scared waking up whether I've slept too late or am being lazy already. She swings between being very compassionate towards my disability and understanding that it affects my sleep schedule and energy, to just saying that I'm lazy and unmotivated, hiding behind my illness. I never know who I'm going to get when I go out there, and these issues go beyond just my energy levels. She will be either sweet as butterscotch or picking apart every bit of my interests and personality and existence.

Today she told me that she wanted me to think of an idea for dinner, so I started asking what she was in the mood for and making nervous small talk. She said "I don't care! I just need something solid for the first time in a few days. Think of something." Granted, we have been fighting lately to find out if my sibling has a child from a one night stand, and their ex partner has been horribly toxic every step of the way. But today we have found out niece is in fact my niece. The whole ordeal, however, has been a legal fight of bushwhacking through lies and stalling tactics. She's likely just overwhelmed with trying to figure out how to break the news to our rather large family that we now suddenly have a seven month old out of thin air.

Anyway, keeping that in my mind, I went downstairs and got a box of chicken tenders and a box of onion rings, thinking it'd be a fun supper, and she seemed delighted. But her fridge was so freaking full of things that should have been thrown out. So I as I try to help her out with this, she tells me what to do, as I'm doing it.

"Obviously you can't fit that in there, you need to rearrange things." As I'm assessing the entire mess of things.

"You can't just move stuff, things need to be thrown out." As I was already getting up to get the garbage.

Finally I brought up my worries about my disability and whether it would hinder my siblings custody case. Ideally I would have done it later, but I knew that my brain would forget if I did, so I tried to get it out of the way. She just grew more and more exasperated. But I'm excited to be an auntie. We never grew up knowing our own, just because they decided that they wanted nothing to do with my father, their half brother. I want to be better than that. After she brought up a few good points, I thanked her and just let her know that I had been worried, because I never thought of these things, but it was met with a pointed "It's fine, but I'm not really in the mood to talk right now. I'm a bit busy posting about [sibling's] new baby."

Usually, I try not to have my phone on me. She only messages me personally to tell me to do things. My partner regularly brings up the concern that she uses my being housebound as a reason to use me as a free housemaid, even though I don't fully agree with him. But somedays she does bring up that it's the least I can do since she regularly "drops everything to drive me everywhere" and that she "built an apartment for [partner] and I to live in". He also brings up that she will regularly use my medical issues as an example or a "hey I'm a disability ally" in media posts, even though I dislike talking about my own disability around people I know.

We are saving up to move out. But days like today, and everyday really, are a cycle of tamping it down until every bit of my soul aches and I'm dysfuctional. But god forbid I should say something, because "I'm the spoiled child, and I don't get to complain if I have it this easy." Years ago I used to be suicidal, but I now talk myself out of the thoughts because a funeral would be to expensive, and I do have a partner and friends who need me as much as I need them. I live fairly remote, so my friends aren't nearby. Visiting them is a whole day, so we try to do it once a week. My partner works a nightshift, so he desperately needs to sleep during the days. I feel alone, and I've tried joining online communities. I can't get therapy because getting mental help is met with shame here.

But I feel like I live with a martyr. I'm not her daughter, just a tool for media and household maintenance. It hurts emotionally. To my very soul. I'm temporarily the only unemployed resident for the moment. She works from our home as a small business crafter and marketing consultant, and I'm proud of how far she's come. She's awesome at what she does. And I'm very happy to pull my own weight in the house, and to shut up while doing it. But I'm tired of playing the game of "Mary, Mary Quite Contrary". I'm tired of guessing which mother I'm holed up with for most of my day, everyday.