#My medicine makes me sleep for days
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So bascially... I know I haven't posted for like a million years but I'm finally back. Sleep has been hitting me every day that I have slept for three days straight, my body hurts and feels numb at the point, my medicine is making me feel fucked up, I have already went to the mental hospital with my Rob plush (again), and to top it off, my room is a damn mess.
But I went back home a few days ago, I'm started to feel.. a tiny.. tiny.. TINY bit better. So, I'm okay.. for now. (Credits to the owner who made this, this is just a drawing on how I am feeling)
Oh, and here's a sketch I made like, a month ago or so (I made emo Rob ^^)
Oh, the person who's holding a rob plush in their hands is me. Just a doodle out of emotion.
#my art#tawog rob#My body hurts#i'm back#i'm very tired#i feel like i'm dying#my head is killing me#rob the amazing world of gumball#Ugh...#The fact that I only sleep good with my TV playing music#I just drank some wine a while ago and I feel like I fell off my stairs#Help#I'm seeing things#I haven't eaten for days#My medicine makes me sleep for days#Hi
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why cant my dad just do things for himself once and awhile im so tired of this
#he has physical issues and mental but bro he doesnt even try to help himself#hes in pain constantly and wont do jack shit about it#and he KNOWS if he starts doing a little more than sit and watch tv all day he'll feel atleast slightly better#the healing process is painful both physically and mentally but he hasnt even started it#he makes me so mad oh my god#i grew up with my mom telling me “he acts that way because hes in pain” DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT#he literally tries nothing. hes gonna die in the next 10 years#hes unhealthy and overweight and barely eats and his teeth are all messed up and he cant eat anything without it hurting like hell#but nooo he wont go to the dentist noooo#we HAVE insurance its not like a money thing jesus christ#ive barely had a father because of this he's constantly in pain and so he doesnt want to talk to anyone hes threatened to hit mymom and#later blamed it on his back pain#oh my god i cannot live with him anymore im so tired of it#he doesnt even.work my mom has to work until night to feed us and keep this house running and then my dad buys random shit off the Internet#and then fucking turns around and YELLS at my mom after she gets home from a looong day of work asking Why she spends so much money#its HER money. idgaf if you share a bank account or whatever its HERS she earned all of that and spends it on shit YOU NEED.#he has brought NOTHING to this family for the last 10 years besides being a father andhe DOESNT EVEN DO THAT#ohhh and his medicine he takes for all this pain “helps him” no the fuck it doesnt hes still in somuch pain. and then it makes him tired#and he sleeps all day ohmygod#hes just there at this point. i come home and dont even look at him cuz i Know hes sitting in that stupid chair in the living room#ive tried so hard to understand that “oh he's just..acting like that cuz hes in pain and .cant help it” I CANT DO THIS ANYMORE#it feels like i barely have a father#and the audacity he has to boss me around. like i understand im your child but oh my god let me live. i dont wanna end up like you#okay hes in pain yeah? DO SOMETHING ABOUT. IT that is NO excuse to be a shitty dad. NO excuse#oh yeah i have a dad but hes emotionally distant and never sees me becausehe wont get off his lazy ass#but yet i cant stop loving him. hes so much like me sometimes and that scares me#im going mad okay
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ok ok you dont need to threaten me here's some art ☹️☹️☹️
appreciate now while you have it because doodles are rare coming from me (only tri-yearly. i cannot doodle for the life of me its hard 🙁)
#say hi to mr. rainbow butterfly pen on the hito mania dust page. he's there to keep it flat. you get to see him as a treat#guys (in particular nobody) let me be fr. i completely came up with the jk!mtt's dynamic because i felt lonely. OK sue me#a person's allowed to project their friendship and socialization need onto their favs ok..... im lonly........#school starts soon time to die i say as i sleep peacefully in my comfy bed#I HAVEN'T DONE MY SUMMER HOMEWORK!!!! AHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#dust is soooo sasuke haraguchi core. he's SOOOO hito mania medicine coded. need dust content i miss him#i was giggling at jk!horror's expression in the bottom one. she is absolutely furious. the rage hidden behind that smile is comedic#this notebook paper is SO FUCKING GOOD OH GOD ITS ALL OVER THE SCREEN 🤤🤤🤤#it's so smooth to draw on i absolutely love it. and it's just soooo delectable i could eat this notebook#this is the notebook i previously mentioned. 2019 me ate this notebook up and now i am too because GODDAMN 😭😭😭#guys im so sorry i had a 4koma for the jk mtt im progress but then i decided to log onto hi3#and then i got distracted for a day. or two. or three. sowwy for not posting :3#drawing the mtt makes me :3 so bad its unreal. i only feel :3 when i see them /srs. they make me :3 they make me prrrr mrrwwwww moewwwwwrrr#killer sans#dust sans#horror sans#murder time trio#bad sanses#bad sans gang#nightmare's gang#tricule art#jk fashion au#guys would someone understand if i said that mtt was ✌️🤘🤙 coded. does someone get it. someone else HAS to understand#mtt and their random ass emojis i associate with them ✌️🤘🤙💙💜❤️✧☆♡🐱🐰🐶 UHHHHHGGHHHHthey are in everything#i forgot jk!dust's hairclips someone shoot me RIGHT NOW!#MY HANDWRITING IS SO ASS WTF#i have to add alt text just because this shit is so ass wtf i need to write properly#why is everything on paper you may ask? well its because drawing on digital is the most draining uncomfortable thing i've ever done. paper#I LITERALLY CANNOT GET USED TO DIGITAL. i just can't. i like having an ipad but i will always be better & more comfy on paper with pencil 🙁
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daily whistlepaw until bu becomes PoV day 1098
Songleap showing off the cool bug she found
#warrior cats#whistlepaw#songleap#windclan#medicine cat apprentice#warrior#bugs make me uncomfortable and I find that so sad and annoying at the same time#I wanted to look at pictures of beetles found in the UK but goddamn I felt uncomfortable the whole time#so I give you a *very simplified* stag beetle because more details would not be too pleasant now#maybe I should therapise myself by drawing detailed bugs#but not when 1. sleep deprived and 2. I have other urgent matters (aka EXAMS)#I've been tired all day. it is bullshit and I want a refund. I haven't studied today yet and when writing this it is already 8 pm#I know my days are shifted and I am usually active until around 4 am but stilll...#not happy#but I'll add detailed bugs in the projects list#alongside HUMANS and backgrounds (I want to test the lined bg thing again)
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I've avoided buying sleeping pills ever since last year's "incident", but I can't take being kept up anymore. I have to wake up at around 1 in the morning for work and I can't get enough sleep if I'm purposely kept awake until 10 pm.
#my sister likes to play loud music and movies and yell all at the same time#she sits in her room all day until it is time for me to sleep#only when i lie down is when it is time to return to monke#i can do nothing to make her be quiet she thinks its funny when i complain#but maybe medicine will help#i won't take them all at once like last time...
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I folded laundry fresh outta the dryer tonight!!! I had folded a couple of big shirts for myself, but then got into A Zone because ADHD. If I walked away or sat down, the folding wouldn't happen. Seeing as I just had dinner and won't be able to lay down comfortably*, I opted for just folding laundry.
I FOLDED LAUNDRY!!!
Two big loads, another in the dryer, and one more that needs drying.
My ADHD let me fold laundry. Just...wow. Folks with ADHD will know how amazing this is.
Now it's late, and I get up early**, so time for sleep. I hope I can fold the last loads tomorrow. That would be fucking impressive.
#chaosfay talks#*I have GERD and can't take meds for it. the meds do something that makes my seizure medicine not work. the seizure med#comes out more or less looking the same as it did when i took the med. this means my body wasn't doing anything with the pills. i was#basically getting no seizure meds at all. i was on the GERD med for a week before i said fuck this i don't wanna die. any other med that#treats it will likely have the same effect. plus the diarrhea was very unpleasant. i trained myself to sleep on my left side and back to#keep the heartburn from happening and fucking with my asthma. if you have heartburn and find yourself coughing a lot#especially when you lay down the coughing is caused by your stomach acid getting into your trachea/windpipe. this is very bad.#laying on the left pinches the stomach closed. avoid laying on your right especially if you have a full belly. i've found it also helps to#go for a walk to do some upright physical activity to help with digestion and reduce trapped gas. if my heartburn is especially bad i drink#sodium bicarbonate in water (recipe is on the baking soda box) and my dr gave me the okay for it. it's basically baking soda poured into#vinegar but less violent and consideable burping. never do this with a full stomach because it can really fuck you up.#**i accidentally took my seizure med in the morning because i kept reminding myself to take my vitamins and my brain went into#autopilot and i grabbed the wrong med. rather than correct this i opted to get up early. my med requires i have food in my belly and#that means i must eat. sooooo i get up at around 8AM. i'm starting ADHD med soon (#my insurance refused to cover the first med my dr)#my adhd med has to be taken in thr morning and again at mid-day so again i need to get up early. my dr suggested i have nothing to eat#because citric acid/vitamin c cancels out adhd meds. so empty belly for an hour before and an hour after. 8AM and then around noon.
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another vent in the tags ugh i should try and do something nice rn
#my pains got so bad again that i threw up again#it's tiring because. i can't even eat atp without worrying about whether it'll make me feel so nauseous i throw up#the doctors wanted to try another new medicine but its put straight in the rear and. shouldnt be shit out. and. yknow. IBD ....#so i obviously do shit it out like immediately ... bcus i cant help it#i probably have to call them on monday to let them know ive started throwing up too#couldnt even go upstairs today without taking breaks bcus of the stomach pains#and theres so much blood all the time#i need to. think about something to distract myself from this bcus i know i shouldnt be ashamed of my condition and i cant help it#but im ashamed anyway and im frustrated and hate myself because i cant do anything else but lie down rn. cant even sleep for the most part#i get like 2 hours sleep max in a day#i kinda wanna draw my apex oc but i suck at designs and idk how to design her clothes LMAOAOA#just wanna draw her interacting w people tbh#also i want more alter content but idk what to make#i just love her
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HELL YEAH
MEDICINE POCKET IS THE HOTTEST POCKETS!!!
The character development from “little person” to “hot pockets” omg, woe, waow, beautiful, incredible
I wish I could’ve gone from little to hot, but I just went from person to pockets😔
Teeth images is still teeth images tho (but she doesn’t need to change)
The post I’m referencing
#me when I don’t make sense:#this post doesn’t make any sense and idc I’m going to sleep after this#NO BUT ALSO#PINTEREST IS STARTING TO GET IT RIGHT#I will start calling them hot pockets and only the strongest soldiers will be surviving that one#fear the day I make that post#medicine pocket? rabbit fur pocket? hot pocket?#WHAT POCKET CANT THEY BE?#just me and my brain juices#medicine pocket
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youtube
#diana's music diary#🌨️#okay I actually do feel better now#good morning :3#sleep is the cure to all#yesterday I spent the day helping my partner set up her DAW so she could stream with it#and then also set up a cobblemon mod pack for us 😊#it's not actually done yet but it's pretty much there#just needs some finishing touches#will maybe skim it a little today too idk#there are probably some unnecessary parts I added yesterday in my hyperfocus so idk#it went surprisingly well and smooth though#feel like I got some things done yesterday which is always nice#sleeping at a reasonable time works? what?#who would have thought......#I'm still having a lot of trouble actually staying asleep actually but it's working either way somehow.. I'm used to being tired so it's ok#thinking about it the only bad part of yesterday was a panic attack near the end and being in pain...#that doesn't sound like a good thing but for me lately especially that's actually good.#let's try to make today fun and cozy and painless...#will make sure to take my pain medicine#if you are reading this I hope your day is good especially too n_n#also on the music... I think I'm on my touhou music shit again... been listening to Koishi music a lot and this one Alice album...
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i've done all my exams! now just to work on a semester long project in the span of several days. yayyyyyyyyyyy
#i've got a general outline of what i wanna say#i just need to like. script it and record it and make sure me and my gf have enough time to edit it into something presentable#(and by 'me and my gf' i mean my gf because she's very nice and talented and filled with knowing how to do things and willing to help me)#i should probably work on it tonight but also i missed a pain med dose while taking my second exam of the day on like 5 hours of sleep#so i'm uh. not exactly in a good place for focusing and i know if i try i'll just end up beating myself up and dreading the project tomorro#so instead i'm gonna try and go into it tomorrow with a decent amount of sleep and also keep up with my medicine timing
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you only do the things you do for me out of obligation
#that's the difference between you and me.#u do something to help me and only stay as long as you need to and do just enough for u to check it off as task completed#and then u leave. always.#you don't actually enjoy spending time with me or anything. you just want to makd sure i stay alive#and it's frustrating because it just makes me feel guilty and shitty and want him to stop it and leave me alone forever.#like when your friend is away and leaves you in charge of their pet so you come by to feed them whenever you remember#like yh u care on some level because it's a cute dog and you'd be sad if it died but at the end of the day#it's just another item on ur to do list.#but for me hes my whole life. i wanna look after him because i would do anything to increase my interaction with him in any way#and i love every second of it. im happy to force him to go and make his food and sit down and eat because i like spending that time w him#and i want to be there for him. i genuinely enjoy it#like making sure he eats and takes his medicine when hes sick and encouraging him to sleep at a normal time#i genuinely like doing that stuff bc i like him and i will jump at the chance to have anything to do with him#but when he does similar stuff it just feels. awkward. we don't talk like we normally do and it just feels like he's monitering me#and it doesn't feel like we're spending time together. it feels like he's carrying out an obligation. which he is.#it feels so fucking wrong and uncomfortable. i cant stand it#i like when im helping him. that feels so natural#it's never awkward and i can enjoy spending that time with him#until im forced to leave#. fuck#❣
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God I hope my fucking meds get here today I stg
#im in so much fucking pain#i want to stab my spine to paralyze myself so i won't feel this pain anymore. just cut off the major source#my ribcage and back hurt so fucking badly that i cant sleep it fucking hurts to breathe and im feel like i jumped off a building#i called it in LAST Tuesday. been off since last Friday. i wanna fucking die man it's so bad#and i cant like go to the hospital for an emergency dose bc its a compound medicine and idk what i can do to make it stop myself in the mean#time like fuck man#im seriously gonna start bawling if it doesn't come today man like idk what ill do it hurts so bad#like i dont think i can do anything bc the pharmacy would be like sorry we mailed it dont know what to tell you and the post office#would be like youll fucking get it when you get it. order sooner you piece of shit#id call off work but i really dont want to be stuck sitting around in pain all day. at least work will give me something to pass the time#marquilla
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damn i get to see the leafs in less than a week
#this feeling is like xmas morning x50 how am i supposed to sleep#might cry abt it i love them#anyway. Goodnight#and also sending lov to everyone that still follows me despite the sports they dont care abt being my whole personality. love u guys#grateful for everyone ive ever talked to here. i feel#that the universe is serving me a taste of my own medicine in some ways these days re: friendships but#it is nice to have this medium w ppl who i just feel like. are chill n my kind of ppl fbjdjd even if we never talk#does that make sense idk im delirious i gotta sleep#anyway. thanks for the distant company. sweet dreams n good day if ur reading this
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Smoking real weed after only vaping for two days slayyyyyy I ❤️ weed but I also ❤️ not smoking around my bird so he lives a full life
#laying in the living room in a big soft blanket with my dog next to me smoking weed and watching Rick and morty after also not watching Rick#and morty in like a week and so I’m like :))) watching the rixty minutes episode and thinking about making food#idk what I want to eat. I want fancy food tbh. maybe I’ll make toast with goat cheese and raspberry preserves and honey for lunch#and a cup of tea and I can journal and cuddle my dog while I eat#hmmm :) daydreaming about life while not moving bc I’m comfy#my eyes are practically closed already. I might nap. I love indicas. I need to start vaping during the day and only smoking at night for#sleep. if I use actual bud for more medicinal and only use my vapes for fun bc they dint hit me as full body as real weed#I want a bagel but we dint have any :(((#if I could eat anything rn I would be six or seven at my grandmothers house eating a pudding and cool whip layered cup thingy in her fancy#cups with stems and I would have my special cup with the colored fruit marshmallows in my hot chocolate#showering with my princess cup in the bath#I might cry. I want to be small again. I don’t want to be grown up I want it all back and my dad is dead fuck. :’(((((#weed u have betrayed me I hate it when weed accidentally unlocks my feelings
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Feeling somewhat accomplished
#i have a metric shit ton of homework to catch up on#but I managed to get a whole chapter done tonight#i feel mildly like crap but i also feel good for getting that much done#hung out with some new friends so that helped#im tired though#no idea how long it'll take me to sleep#but probably a bit because i took my adhd medicine out of desperation for focus#but hey it worked?#it seems like this was the roughest chapter i had to catch up on too#so that's good too#reunited with someone i haven't talked to in ages#it's been great#wish i reached out sooner tbh#apparently we were both mutually waiting for the other to be ready lol#but we're hanging out again and i now remember why we clicked so easily before#it's been fun#looking forward to hanging out with them more often#they've been very accommodating too#i joined their server and they've tried to make that as smooth as possible#the history is complicated#id run out of tags before i could finish#but yeah#that's been my last couple days#mainly throwing this out there so a certain someone gets an update on what's up without having pressure to respond (love you hun 💚)#but also just wanted to shout this out to my moots who might like hearing about things like this#anyways running out of tags#later y'all
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Why is it when I always want to do something cool is when I have fiddy assignments due tomorrow night
#SPOWTS#like I wanna actually write that fucking hfjone tlou fic I’ve been trying to revamp and listen to more and fucking MOVE#but no I have other shit to do#and the thing is is that I physically cannot do anything else until these assignments are done#I will feel empty if they’re not done#and procrastinate when I stop because I remember what it’s like to have fun again#Saturdays aren’t really part of the weekend for me anymore more than it is an extension to get shit done#Sundays are usually the one day I get off but it goes by too fast and that’s assuming I get everything done by Sat night even though#I’ve been working on this stuff since Friday night#AND I’m sick so I decided to stay home ONE day instead of forcing myself to go to school#and I fall behind by so much or I simply don’t understand the work we’re doing by the next day#a never ending cycle#I’ve been tired all day yet I cannot sleep nor take that coughing medicine (which makes me fall asleep) because of all of this#it’s sad#but it’s my own little hell#I’ll probably never escape#but eh#survive till summer right?#is this a vent#I think it’s a vent#sorry gang will shut up now
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