#My grandmother is constantly treating me like shit

[godtears]

I'm glad I got to spend time with my little family and get some fresh air and eat something more substantial than usual. But I can't shake this feeling of just... Profound sadness.

[enigma-the-anomaly]

I hate when there is anger inside my body. I am very small and my feelings are very big :(

[sixthwater]

Hello! I was able to get a reading out! I've been thinking of doing this reading for a minute and it wouldn't go away so here I am. Hopefully this is helpful to those who read it. It briefly touches over scars/wounds that seem to stem from childhood, and advice on how to heal them.

Left → Right / Pile 1 → Pile 4)

Decks Used: The Luminous Spirit, The Horror Tarot, The Abandoned Oracle, Angel Tarot, Trickster's Journey, Sacred Creators Oracle, Fairies Oracle Deck, Animal Spirit Oracle

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Pile One

Cards: Ace of Pentacles Rx, Page of Wands Rx, Knight of Cups, X of Swords, III of Cups, King of Pentacles Rx, Combustion Rx, The Spider Rx

This feels like someone who is constantly let down but has to reign in their anger or have to put their desire on the backburner for others or due to external situations. So let’s see; virgo/libra/capricorn placements, saturn-moon aspects, afflicted mars? Those are a rough few off the top of my head. Either way, I get that it stems from childhood or you have a pattern with close friends that they would promise something or I hear ‘I’ll make it up to you’ but it always fell through, so in turn you just stopped hoping for things and you are a bit..shut off? It’s not that you’re cold and you still let people in, but there’s a big fear – even if it’s muted – that once you let them in they might hurt you the same way you’ve been hurt before. Or that there’s no point in hoping you’ll get what you want. We’ll see in the advice part obviously but it also seems like you’ve just started taking this behavior as well and there’s not much action against it. Page of Wands is a doll that’s slightly ruined and I get the same energy from the ten of swords as well for some reason. It doesn’t feel like bitching but it reminds me of that ‘everything is fine’ card from The Modern Witch deck. As for Combustion, I can see how that might be internally, but you smother that. Reminds me of the daydream bits from Scrubs – you going off on someone but you don’t really do it. Your escapism isn’t the typical form, it’s just that you avoid deep attachment with people or emotions in general so you won’t get hurt. From this, I’d have to assume you sacrificed or did/gave a lot for the people you cared about but felt like they didn’t care for you the same. For a select few it could also have to do with finances or a lack of due to the ace and king of pentacles, but that’s a fleeting feeling.

Advice

Cards: X of Cups Rx, Wheel of Fortune, III of Wands, Cut the Cords of Doubt, Treat Yourself, Desire, Tarantula, Panther

You have to feel. You have two Ten’s, cutting the cord, and two fire cards. There’s a lot of purging and passion – ‘extreme’ energy if you will. The advice given circles around the house of accepting that; you are upset. You’re hurt, angry, betrayed – whatever it is, you’re feeling it. So you have to sit in it and really let that shit sink in and then finally let it out. Accepting it isn’t letting bygones be bygones, it’s understanding that you’re human and you’re not always going to be forgiving of everything and your emotions aren’t always going to make sense. For example, my friend has recently gotten the cutest kitten I have ever seen and she loves her. She has also lost her grandmother recently who she was close to. That same kitten had wrecked an item that her grandmother gave her and she expressed that she felt bad for getting mad at the cat and like, that’s to be expected. Things like that, you (pile one) have to come to terms with. Once you go through this little purge, just kind of…let go and let be. By that I mean; don’t try to predict what people are going to do or what’s going to happen with the things around you. The angel on this three of wands has their eyes closed so it’s like, waiting for the effects of your purging to take place. Once you start to implement these changes into your mindset and how you interact with people, wait to see how it’ll affect your relations with others. So the main thing is, you gotta work on your mindset and you gotta allow yourself to openly access these emotions and just feel. It’s tricky, but you have to understand that not everyone is going to be ‘Rebecca’ or ‘John’, they’re new and different people who might treat you the way you deserve to be treated. Which they only know how to if you start treating yourself better too. A lot of this is just examining your relationship with yourself, the world, others, etc. Do you think you’re unworthy of something? Why? Actually work through it, the more you process it the more information comes out. We can be aware of simple things but unless we’re actively going through our memories, some things we might’ve locked away suddenly resurfaces and gives us new context that we can work on. I’m also not surprised to see that some of the cards is just feeling a new zest/passion for life. It’s about finding your purpose but I’m reading it as finding love and standing up for yourself. Not in an argumentative way but if you feel like you’re being treated unfairly, discuss it with that person. Don’t take it because you feel like you deserve it or it’s your version of the status quo. You don’t have to rest in fighter mode but right now I believe – if i have to speak in this deck’s language – you’re docile and the reflex is to flee. You need to learn the balance of fighting as well. Again, for some of you it might be that you stay with people or situations that are familiar or comfortable even if they hurt you and you need to go beyond what you know. Seek out new things once you’ve done the work on yourself, because there’s a high chance you might outgrow these things.

Pile Two

Cards: The High Priestess, V of Wands, Judgement Rx, King of Wands, Wheel of Fortune, The Lovers Rx, Tears

You guys are special because I had to read for you guys today. I checked in and they refused to let me do it. Even after saying it was a healing reading and I'm not invasive yadayadayada, they did Not want to let me do it. Moving on. . .

Now that I’m allowed to pull your cards, I understand the protection. The Priestess and King are coming up as parental figures or just – it feels weird to say this but in comparison to the rest of the piles, they’re coming up as specific figures. It stands out because usually you will get pairs (K & Q of Cups) but instead we have a figure who is seen as intuitive and in this deck a little intimidating vs a figure who is charismatic and in this deck: has a mask on. So it’s like the top row (Priestess to the King) stands for these figures in your life whereas the rest of the cards represent the effect it had on you. So it’s interesting that between them we have conflicts, possibility of them talking down to each other, lack of awareness of where/when they’re doing it (as in their surroundings). I get a feeling of them keeping the relationship for physical matters (financial, responsibility, etc) instead of breaking it off to save stress. There’s also another element here that the King has a mask and his back is turned, but he’s facing us as if we stepped in on him doing something wrong, so of course that’s combined with The High Priestess. However this card has a little ‘animal’ with her which seems to be a messenger. So it’s like getting caught but not in the act, so no grounds to attack leaving someone to just pick at them. Onto you; this leads to an unstable environment. It just sets precedent that this is the norm, but if it is you don’t want it. It doesn’t really make you feel ‘safe’, or happy, or gave you any pleasant feelings. There was a video I watched about this, but it spoke of children dealing with forms of abuse having poor health due to always being on alert. While this may not be exactly what you’re dealing with, I think you were pretty much set up in the same way because I get the feeling of someone never really wanting to relax because they’re always waiting for that next argument or picking up on tones. I’m also consistently hearing ‘if this is what love is then I don’t want it’ over and over again while I’m trying to decipher this.

Advice

Cards: Page of Pentacles, The Fool, Queen of Pentacles, Say It Out Loud, Cozy up with Risk, Celebrate Your Wins, Gazelle

Gazelle personalities are often hyper-aware of their surroundings (bordering on hyper-vigilant)

Yeah. So if you’ve seen Skinamarink it kind of reminds me of that? It’s not my movie but people describe the tension as being…well, the gazelle personality, which is why I’m bringing it up, and of course those types of fears can start to become physical pains. I really recommend watching these two videos because it’s something to think about. To start off with this spread, it’s asking you to either speak to someone, or to journal which might be preferable to a good amount of you. I did this a few years ago but when I was in a good headspace, I just started from the beginning and made it to the present so I could do my best to unravel where my issues are stemming from and try to work on them little by little. It’s like untangling hair, it’s frustrating and you might just want to chop it off but if you go slow, you can carefully get the mess undone and figure out where the core of the issue is. The rest of this? Just grounding. It’s asking you to get out of your head and get out of survival mode and to just breathe and live. Always a lot harder to practice, but you have to catch yourself when you’re doing it and step back and knock yourself into doing it haha. I’m not necessarily picking up on trust issues or problems relating to people – at least they’re not highlighting it – but it’s more about getting stuck in your head and trying to play chess with the world and how things play out. You can’t do that. That’s like trying to fight the wheel of fortune, you’re going to lose. So spirit wants you to slowly learn how to relax and get more into the physical world. If walks help while listening to podcasts to get out of that routine, go and do that! I believe the key here is to figure out what the trigger is for overthinking and anxiety so you can catch yourself. From there, it’s just a day by day process of nurturing yourself.

Pile Three

Cards: Judgement Rx, III of Pentacles Rx, Temperance, The Fool Rx, II of Pentacles Rx, Combustion Rx

Control? Which is interesting because I feel like Judgement should be upright. However. Okay it feels like self-contained chaotic energy. Not to bring my Wife Swap binging into this, but there was a relationship between a wife and her daughter where the kid would…be a kid? And the mom would call her a misbehaving brat and label her ‘The Bad Child’. That dynamic seems like you’re implementing it upon yourself. You don’t have to have these, but I’m seeing the habit of chewing at your nails and other anxious fidgeting that’s usually picking at yourself. For some actually it reminds me of children who are neurodivergent and the family doesn’t properly know how to care for them so the child has to like…’tame’ it? I hope that makes sense. Anyway, I’m getting a lot of self-control, anxiety, frustration, foot tapping/leg shaking, and self-criticism. There’s also a piece of solitude. It’s not a choice but with the three and two it’s like…it reminds me of the eight of pentacles. Working endlessly at the same thing but this ‘thing’ is yourself. It’s keeping you in check. This ‘three’ situation might’ve been that you just simply didn’t get along with a lot of people so now you’re more introverted/isolated but I don’t get that it’s who you are? Because the ‘two’ feels like someone who is constantly watching a pot boil to make sure it doesn’t spill over, like it’s a 9-5 job for them. It’s not fun. I don’t get chaos with this externally, it’s a lot of control and it doesn’t feel fun. This could honestly just be an external routine that’s inflicted upon you but it feels more like experiences that you went through and you’ve learned that ‘ok I have to be like this in order for people to like me’.

Advice

Cards: Knight of Swords Rx, X of Wands Rx, IV of Cups, Strength, The Spark of Hustle, Ambush Fear with your Ferocious Dream, Stage of Play, Firefly, Crow

Not surprised by these cards so I have to go deeper here. Also, the Barbie soundtrack started playing in my head, take that how you will. Okay so, directly interpreting these cards is just telling you: don’t be scared, be yourself, go big or go home. Basically. That’s a bit difficult knowing the energy I picked up so. Knight of Swords can be a bit brash or rude, immature, and messy. Not the most welcoming energy, but you’ve already been locked in a cage and taught to be a type of person that you never were anyway – so it’s telling you to unwind a little bit and be more comfortable with letting that out every now and again. Especially with the ten of wands to back it up. If that voice in your head tells you to mind your actions or words, think about what an unlearned Knight of Swords would do. Obviously, don’t actively hurt people’s feelings or be a dick, but you don’t have to walk around as someone else. Four of Cups is pointing towards throwing away this mindset too, but it’s more like…not minding people’s opinions? Because obviously it’s a bit difficult to just throw all this away in one swoop. So (taking into account what I said before) if there’s some whispering or side-eyes thrown your way; treat it like the four of cups. Someone wants to say ‘oh the way you’re doing that is a little…’ cool give it the four of cups treatment. Again, this advice is a little grey if this is a case of attitude behavior and having to figure out how to interact with people, it’s a bit difficult, but Intentionally messing with people is a pretty clear line so. Strength is pretty clear; it’s just inner love and care for yourself. Trust that you’re not ‘broken’ or ‘wrong’. Now the rest of these I find to be interesting. Spark & Ambush speak more to inner child energy and being most honest about yourself. It’s like being loud and proud and embracing who you once were – which I hate saying once. It’s just finding yourself again and bringing that back out. Being comfortable with it again. Stage of Play is embracing…just that haha. It’s a lot of inner child messages, I think you would benefit from seeking out that type of healing or looking into those readings currently. I also find it cute that you got two air cards for the energy to bring in? Air is mental stimulation and sociability. If you have hobbies or interests you enjoy, talk about them. Enjoy them. Don’t hide things you enjoy. Air is about engagement in a sense, but I also find it cute that these two cards in particular speak to creativity but also an inner knowing of the self. Firefly speaks to little bursts of energy and insight, meanwhile crow is worldly knowledge. I’m really picking up on neurodivergency here but it’s a general reading so (but it Does start with an A). Honestly? Go watch some kid movies you used to love, play with some colored pencils, just enjoy yourself man. You deserve to.

Pile Four

Cards: VI of Pentacles Rx, The World, III of Cups Rx, Knight of Pentacles Rx, The Sun Rx, The Spider Rx, Backstabber (Ace of Cups Rx)

Okay this pile was a bit confusing so I had to pull one more card. I’m not getting many messages, which can sometimes be a sign of major blockage. The only few things I got were ‘not enough’ ‘want it all’ and ‘consumption’. I thought the six of pentacles was the four, so there’s also a feeling of self-preservation here. I can’t pinpoint it so the theme might connect but the specifics will differ for all of you. The things I can pick up on are: themes of depression, themes of friendships, or themes of self-worth. Regardless – motivation, ego, and self-worth pops up in all these stories. It’s like…someone feels like the cup they have has a hole in it and it’s leaking. They never have enough water so they’re always trying to fill it and no matter what they do they can never manage to do so. Trying to explain it to other people makes them seem like they don’t know what they’re doing or they’re just filling their cup wrong, so they just struggle to drink from their damaged cup. It could be depression. Since we have a card speaking to betrayal and then also the ace & three of cups reversed, this could be a specific relationship that has scarred you and causes you to struggle to reach out to other people (similar to pile one but this energy is different). It’s just…not enough is the only thing being repeated in my head and I’m not getting anything else and it feels very vacant, I’m not feeling anything else which is why I keep circling back to depression despite the cards here. I mean the three of cups can speak for a lack of interacting with…life so combined with the other cards there’s a definite possibility? So there might just be a mix of you here. We’re going to move on.

Advice

Cards: Queen of Pentacles, VI of Swords, The Trickster, Fall in Love with Your Own Story, Lighting Your Path, Cobra

This is a beautiful spread. There’s a small message that I’m going to get out of the way, which is to take care of yourself. I wouldn’t be surprised if that fell to the wayside. Get small things back into your routine like having healthy eating habits, even if they’re snacks. Going to bed at a good time, going on walks, complimenting yourself daily – things like that to make yourself feel better little by little. Pamper yourself essentially. Now the rest is much deeper. It wants you to have or embrace a rebirth of yourself. My personal suggestion, since I haven't been listening to music for this reading, is to listen to Icon for Hire. They talk about these themes, but there’s always the very long era of sitting within the old shell of yourself where it’s comfortable and being scared to break out of that and move on. Where you want to be happy or feel better but that step includes letting go of everything that you’re doing now. It brings you to the trickster (fool) which is new beginnings, and it means even more with this deck because it’s about Sun Wukong (which brings another level to everything because I wanted to use the other deck and I was just told a blunt no lmao). Anyway, you’re being encouraged to find the light within yourself. Find meaning to yourself by going within – which is much easier said than done I know. It’s beautiful that the Cobra mentions being similar to a spirit guide and talks about showing up when you’re ready to be a student of life again and then it will appear. Very similar to the fool that got pulled for your reading. Plus it’s a snake? Serious about shedding that old skin of yours (Snakeskin by Rina Sawayama? This is the only pile where songs are coming up, good for you). Last but not least, this falling in love with yourself card? Very serious. It can be difficult but there is only one you. No one is going to be able to replace that. Yes, people will be share your pain, resonate with your issues or give you advice because they’ve walked that path, but they will never shine like you can. You won’t be able to replace them either. That’s why we’re all here. Using myself, I went through the worst time of my life when I was officially diagnosed with my biggest medical issue along with everything else that I already was self-conscious about. I hated myself for a good minute before I realized that did quite nothing for me and a lot of people found it quite easy to hate on my too so why should I join them?  Look at everything you’ve done. It doesn’t have to be amazing. You’ve existed, you’ve helped others in your life whether you realize it or not, you’ve made an impact during your time here. Celebrate yourself. I hope the next time we see each other you can say that you’re beautiful because you guys are. (also? If you have a favorite piece of jewelry, you should wear that more)

[crispy-dib]

PROJECT PATCHWORK #4/ MAJOR UPDATE PART 2:

“Sinyala’s Happy Family”

Previous - Next

(Long as hell post lmao - get ready to read!)

Eli, incredibly cautiously, makes his way over to Phyllis, trembling with every step, searching intensely for any signs of aggression.

But from Mother there was none. The goose simply looked perpetually angry.

Eventually, Eli embraces Phyllis, his head resting against her chest.

“Ahh, come on! Y’gonna give him some sugar and not even give ME a taste?!” Franco yells, balling his fists together and stomping like a g-ddamn cartoon.

Phyllis turns to Franco with what appeared to be her version of a scowl.

“Naughty boys like YOU have to earn Mother’s time!” She scolds.

There’s a short pause, then Doctor Futterman speaks:

“Besides, he’s also been brushing. Look at his teeths!”

Another short pause.

Phyllis lifts up Eli’s chin, inspecting both the teeth on his mask and his actual teeth.

While damaged, they were shockingly white.

“Why, you’re right, Doctor Daddy! Like pearls they are…” Phyllis trails.

She gently offers her hand, and she walks Eli to a sink, treating his reopened wounds.

On the other side of the screens, Dr. Easterman lights a cigarette, offering one to his associate, who declines.

“Are we celebrating or mourning?” She asks.

“Celebrating - normally I’d offer you a drink, but I think you have to be sober to enjoy this.” Easterman replies with a grin.

“Why are we allowing this?” She asks, her skepticism making Hendrick scoff and shake his head.

He squints for a moment.

“What do you think is a problem?” He almost accuses.

“Why are we letting Futterman nurture Elliot…isn’t the whole part of this therapy to break them?”

“Because the family is growing.” He takes a drag on his cigarette for a moment, exhaling smoothly.

“So we have Mother, Father, Baby, and…?”

“Grandmother.”

“…Really?”

Hendrick nods.

“Patchwork’s a remarkable case - one that’s sure to raise our innocent baby into a true gentleman.”

“This is about Reagent deaths.”

“Precisely. With someone almost constantly with Baby, we can ensure that he grows into what we need. It will work…the therapies just take time.”

“What if it doesn’t?”

“We cannot afford it to fail. Not now.”

Hendrick takes another drag.

“Not ever.”

His attention was immediately turned to the cameras, as he hears a soft whimper.

“Mm…mama…” Eli trembles.

“That is what I’ve been waiting for.” Hendrick says.

“You’re breakin’ my fuckin’ balls here!” Franco complains.

“Oh shut up ya whiny brat!” Dr. Futterman growls.

“Hey, you want my shit?!” Franco threatens.

“Enough!!” Phyllis scolds. “There is a child present!”

“My ass! Dat’s a tall glass a’ watah…” Franco smirks, not even subtly checking Eli out.

Eli’s face immediately reflects disgust, looking at Franco up and down with a scowl. Well, at least that was something he was used to.

“Tell me dear, what do you like to wear? These clothes are filthy! You need something nice,” Phyllis asks.

“…Pants would be nice…”

“SO HE CAN TALK?” Franco exclaims.

It’s met with a glare.

“Come along then, little gosling! Mother knows where to go!” Phyllis giggles.

Eli takes her hand and they walk out of the sleep room.

“Tell them to release Coyle into the trial Gooseberry and Patchwork are entering. Mother needs to meet Baby’s father.”

[yandereaffections]

Javier Adolfo (YA’s Oc) Masterlist

The Man Himself

Character Description

S/o being bullied at work

Charming his Darling

Confident S/o

S/o who loves Skirts

Cute S/o who sucks at their Job

Avoiding him to make a gift

Home cooked meals for a Date

S/o who is pressured to do their best 24/7

Affectionate S/o

Exhausted Doctor S/o

S/o Binding her Chest cause of office harassment

S/o being black mailed for sex

House wife S/o

S/o who has Insomnia

S/o trying to fight a Racist

S/o confessing they want a big family

S/o who lives a double life

Spoiling Javier

Another yandere kidnapping S/o

Naga S/o that knows nothing of Human Culture

Not a morning person S/o

Sitting on Javiers lap

S/o who is apart of a huge Crime Organization

Nuclear Apocalypse

Naga Javier

Vampire S/o cautious of taking Javiers blood

S/o whose both cutesy and extreme

Filthy rich S/o

Jokingly calling Javier “Sugar Daddy”

Poor Underweight S/o refusing to bother for help

CEO Crush already married

Comforting Chubby S/o after being sexually Harassed TW

S/o who runs up to hug Javier everytime she sees him

Going to Disney

S/o getting hit on by their boss

“Have my babies”

Drunk S/o unknowingly confessing they love javier

Babysitting with S/o

Punk Rocker Darling

Making S/o wait for marriage as tease play

S/o constantly buying make up palettes

Hitman S/o warning for him not to go to work

S/o who cuddles him during work

Surprising javier with your intelligence

S/o Introducing ‘javey wavey’ to their friends

Trying to cook for his s/o

Accident prone s/o

S/o whose constantly wondering

COVID quarantine comfort

Cosplayer S/o

Homeless S/o asking him for cash

Figuring out S/o is pregnant

Yandere s/o

Making him cry HC

S/o whos only seen eating when they steal his meal

Shy S/o who loves affection

holding and playing with his S/os hair

S/os family fat shames them when they eat

Darling packs him lunch everyday

S/o whos easily scared

Stealing your clothes

S/o who slams their foot against the wall anytime it falls asleep

S/o who cant cook

Manipulation HC

S/o who refuses to go to stop smoking TW

Arguing HC

Incubus Javier w/ a s/o who looks down on themselves

Vampire Javier/ Halloween date

Vampire

Poltergeist

Decorating the office building for halloween

Bratty S/o

Halloween Date

Werewolf

S/o who cries during the emotional parts of movies

Motivating S/o to study

Javier Fluff

Top energy S/o 

Meeting Javiers Grandmother

Sub energy S/o

S/o who wants to travel alot

Comforting a stressed S/o

S/o who doesnt want kids

Depressed Darling

More Fluff

Seeing S/o without makeup for the first time

Darling playing with his hair

Taking stressed S/o away from their struggles

Sugar Daddy HC

Boba tea date

Diabetic S/o

Making him a Surprise Valentines homemade gifts

Finally meeting his online lover

S/o trying to treat their own stab wound

Javier vs Aiden

Coming over to S/os apartment for a dinner date

Autistic S/o who struggles to get a job

Finding out crush is dating his brother

Only dating him for money

S/o going on a vacation to gain Javiers attention

Foreign S/o having to suddenly return home

Darling having shit friends who use them for work

S/o whos terrified of horror movies and clings to him

Darling w/ Social anxiety 

Crybaby reader

How good he is with responsible adult stuff

Corrupt official male S/o

Darlings something like robin hood

Robin hood like S/o trying to steal from him

S/o who likes to cook for him

Darling has commitment issues

Very short S/o

S/o who age regresses 

Adoring darling when they Hyperfixate

Depressed S/o that has a hard time taking care of themselves

Author S/o

S/o who is constantly sewing

Leaning against him saying “love me” when Javiers busy

S/o has odd vocal tics

Comforting S/o w/ night terrors

S/o falls asleep on his lap during a meeting

Co-worker beating him to asking S/o out

s/o recently finding out they have adhd

Falling for the elder care worker taking care of his grandma

“It’s okay, I know you’re just not used to being cared for so much.”

S/O showing him matching outfits that they sewed themselves

Werecat S/o

Cuddlebug S/o

pressing their boobs against his back slightly 

Pegging Javier 

Chubby S/o sitting on his face 

S/o with a high sex drive 

squeezing him inbetween your thighs 

Cockwarm HC 

Kinky shit 

Praise Kink 

Catching him jerking to a picture of you 

Poltergeist cockwarming 

Mirror Kink & Sugar Daddy

Someone walking in on you / Public Sex w/ Dom male S/o 

Kinks Headcannons 

Foreplay Headcannons 

Male S/o railing Javier over his desk 

Sex Toys Javier loves the most 

Sucking him off underneath his office desk

[pesoglav]

After years of listening to this gender dick measuring contest/battle of the sexes or whatever you want to call it. I have one question to ask both sides, what in Gods green earth is wrong with you?

If you constantly vilify the other side even in front or in conversation with someone who you have a romantic interest in, they are going to be at the bare minimum a little bit weirded out.

When I was in 8th grade, I had a huge crush on a girl from my class, I started talking to her and all that jazz, took her on dates and confessed my feelings, she rejected me and a week later I hear she(14) is dating a 23yo dude.

By both sides logic I should have became someone who treats women like dirt, abusive and what not. Someone who continues the same cycle, yet I didn’t. Yeah sure I was down for a while and felt kind of shit, but the next year of school I got friendly with a girl from a different class from the same year as me and we became a couple until our first year of uni, where we broke up because we were separated due to different universities and because she cheated on me. Again by your logic I should have become a monster and what not, yet after that I continued on with life, yes I was hurt and sad, hell I even felt lost and that life had ended. I had a few other relationships after that, good, bad and in between.

God blessed if I ever have children I will pass the outcomes and conclusions of my experiences to them and teach them the importance of Trust and that Trust is a thing you give out on credit to the other person. I will hate to see a son or daughter of mine be like these groups of rotten minds. I personally never had that parental guidance due to my parents being absent doctors, just some advice from my grandfather and grandmother. I’ve even “lost” my friends group in university because I couldn’t tolerate their early formings of nonce behaviour and comments.

[firecrackerhh]

I think it’s very funny that big name people in the fandom get a ton of shit from people who, frankly, just sound pissed off that they don’t get the attention the bigger fans do.

Like goddamn I wish I had the clout that ayylmao or any of the big Twitter hazbin fans have, but like…I’m not a bitter fucking asshole about it, I don’t see these big hazbin fans online and cope and seethe about how I think I deserve the attention they have. I don’t see them comment on HB videos and emotionally vomit my frustrations at them like they’re obligated to give a fuck about what I think.

Sorry if you can’t see it too well. I would type it out but…shit, I thought my posts were long winded. I read too much of this shit and my brain just tunes it out.

If it pisses you off that bad that a white cishetero guy or whatever is the main fucking source of info on hazbin, then…fuck dude there HAS to be SOMEONE ELSE who you can go to.

God knows I would do it if I could, but I don’t have a computer to even try doing that V tuber shit. (Getting a vtuber rig of my oc would be sooooo cool tho) Honestly even if I could stream about Hazbin and Helluva related stuff, I feel like I would be too awkward on camera or even worse, I would somehow have nothing to say at all and be boring as hell. Unless y’all really wanted to hear my non-Hellaverse related opinions, but then I would probs start saying controversial shit and that would just get me in hot water.

Honestly in real life I’m boring as hell, there’s a reason why I focus on fandom bullshit as often as I do and it’s because I got nothing going on in my life otherwise. Bitching is just a hobby for me at this point.

Nevermind all the other shit I would have to put up with if I started doing it, like I’m never really by myself at all cuz my mom and her boyfriend never fucking go anywhere besides work and I’m asleep all day (usually) and frankly my grandmother’s house is too small and she’d just be up my ass constantly asking me if I need something every damn hour and interrupting me. Honestly if I could live by myself I fucking would. But that’s sure as shit not an option. If I had to fend for myself in this world I wouldn’t last long anyway. Having to be responsible for so many things at once fills me with dread. I wasn’t meant for this bullshit society, or hell, any society really, and I’m not interested in pretending otherwise. The only thing keeping me going is hazbin/helluva and my cat.

But anyways!

I remember Squidiot once also bitched and moaned about Ayy cuz he called her a fucking schizo, (his words exactly,not mine) like yeah, I guess that’s pretty mean to say about someone, but considering the kind of person Squid is, I would consider it more of a fact than an insult at this point.

Like if you act like a fucking lunatic you shouldn’t be surprised when people describe you as such. Like, sorry if that’s MEAN, but if it’s true, I don’t see the issue. Like if someone tried to insult me by calling me a bitch, I’m not gonna argue the point, they’re right.

Like I’m not gonna say I’m like a huge Ayylmao fan or whatever. But I also don’t treat him like the end all be all on hazbin discourse. I get most of said discourse from the people I follow on tumblr, and the ones I follow here are just fine in my book.

See shit like this is why I can’t stream regardless if I had the ability, I would treat it like a fucking half therapy session/half ranting session and believe me none of you would wanna hear that. God knows my family doesn’t.

[arctic-hands]

Long ass post about being a sick and disabled child with pediatric imposter syndrome and inattentive and flat out ableist adults ahead. It got ahead of me but there's nothing I want to cut. No I'm not putting it under a read more. Look at my post, boy.

I wonder if my childhood fascination with wheelchairs was based in the chronic pain and exhaustion I was feeling even by the age of seven.

In second grade we had a "disability week" (tho I wouldn't be surprised if they had called it "differently abled" but I can't remember for certain) where we had disabled adults come to speak to our (allegedly) able-bodied class and the school as a whole. The ones i remember were just explaining the disability and a simplified ways to treat it and things like it's rude to stare and such. Not too too glurgy in that out of context...

...but the memories about it are def tainted by the fact that any kid who was sick or disabled was forced to give presentations on their medical conditions to "educate and de-stigmatize" the students.

This wasn't part of Differently Abled Week, we were just forced to present when we just got diagnosed or whenever the condition got noticed by anyone. The first one i saw was in first grade as a fifth grader gave all the individual classes a presentation on her diabetes. I was forced to give one in third grade after I came back from being dramatically rushed to the hospital after my heart started beating so fast and hard that you could see it thru my shirt, and after about a week out of school in another hospital in the bigger city two hours away because my hometown hospital wasn't equipped to treat pediatric cardiac problems. My third grade presentation on supraventricular tachycardia was well-received, and the school was sympathetic because all my classmates and teachers were like omg this angelic little child has a heart condition and everyone was scared that I might die 😢

... Next year's fourth grade presentation on I Shit Too Much Disease was less well-received, even as I tried to self-censor the inherently disgusting details. To add to that, my SVT had been corrected (for a few decades, it appears to be coming back after 2) by an ablation in late third grade, so the Scary Heart Explodey (not really) Disease had been tied up neatly and I was free to live as a Normal Child. But Crohn's disease was something else, something relatively new to the lexicon in the early millennium and I constantly had to explain my health to strangers as the unwilling IBD Ambassador of the town. This would be and still is life-long and particularly hard to treat (my Crohn's was once compared to brittle diabetes in the way it never did and still doesn't respond to treatment), and the sympathy of the ableds is fickle and short lasting. Even just a year after my Diagnosis, my teachers stopped caring WHY I was missing school and sleeping all the time and in the bathroom too long and only saw these as delinquent behaviors to be punished, and my classmates no longer had sympathy for the perceived special treatment I barely got and were convinced I was faking it all for attention

Anyway I'm digressing, but I did need to feel the need to give context to my school's attitude towards sick kids. Back to Disability/Differently Abled Week

...We were allowed to play with mobility aids. Yeeeah. To de-stigmatize of course, totes not to keep us occupied. At one point we played with wooden beads of different shapes to make "hearing aids" and microphones in the style of the day, and each class was allowed one wheelchair, two sets of crutches, and a few arm slings for kids to be assigned to use for half the day.

I had seen these before. There were only a few sick kids in my school and none in mobility aids, but 7 year olds do have some life experience in being in the outer world, and my hometown was a city and not insular, so I had been exposed to disabled people before. My grandmother's best friend was an old lady with a basic prosthetic foot and used a cane, and she was patient and i daresay a little proud to show it off when i was really little and we'd go to have tea/hot chocolate with her and i stared in fascination and asked innocently offensive questions. At seven I hadn't been diagnosed with SVT or Crohn's yet and my intense and agonizing leg pains had been dismissed by my pediatrician as a hysteric and melodramatic little girl's response to "growing pains" (I've stopped growing but still feel them, I'm just used to them enough after thirty years that I barely notice them unless my legs are touched). I knew about broken bones and as someone who still had potent memories of toddler ear infections that were bad enough to send me to the E.R, I had even taken a few rides in wheelchairs.

But being in a wheelchair constantly was a new experience for me, especially as this was a manual wheelchair that you pushed yourself with the big wheels in, not the hospital kind that nurses push for you. The thought of never having to use my legs was an intoxicating thought, and I had childhood delusions of being strong and muscley enough to be able to handle maneuvering it with my scarily emaciated noodle arms.

Aides were assigned by last name down the list, and the teacher just arbitrarily decided which one you'd get. My last name is fairly down the list, so I waited the better part of a week to get assigned, all the while eyeballing the wheelchair enviously as my classmates assigned to it got to play disabled in it. I wondered how to pop a wheelie in it (for the record, my immediate reaction to being given roller skates on my fourth birthday was to immediately try to do a trick jump off the porch and landed hard on my ass with miraculously intact bones and face). But mostly I was fascinated by the thought of never having to use my legs for an entire half a day. I kept my composure at school so not to be labeled a crybaby, but by the time I got home I sometimes couldn't even focus on Pokémon because my legs were too agonizing and I'd be crying. My parents were sympathetic enough to my leg pains that they bought me hot water bottles to sooth my knees and tried to get me to take my mind off it by meditating the pain away (I'm too bipolar to focus in meditation even then but everyone's reaction to my bipolar is another long ass post in the making). But they didn't care enough to advocate for me against my pediatrician, even as he ignored all my other dramatic symptoms that were beginning to become un-ignorable. It took until my heart emergency for any adult (ily Dr. Stein, my pediatric cardiologist who immediately realized I needed more help than just for SVT) to notice the misery I was in and get me the right help (ily Dr. Maizle, my first pediatric gastroenterologist and the only one who actually listened to me when i said some of the meds felt worse than the disease).

Anyway I was assigned crutches when my name was called and i nearly did finally snap and cry at school. Nearly. And the crutches (basic under armpit ones, not forearm crutches) sucked. They were painful in my armpits, they weren't adjusted to my height properly, and I fell a few times because I was trying to swing both my legs at the same time because BOTH my legs were in constant agony and I was trying to alleviate my body's pressure on them both. I had a miserable time "pretending" to be disabled, but I was the only one who complained about the crutches and so I went ignored, setting up the theme for my childhood.

This fascination with wheelchairs stuck with me and as I became a bigger kid and my body just piled on more illness and pain, but despite all that my legs were technically functional so I kept my yearning for a chair quiet for fear of being offensive (didn't know what appropriation meant back then but that was the feeling) and an actual attention seeker like my classmates accused me off. Sure, I was sick and constantly in pain, but at least I wasn't actually "stuck in a wheelchair". Could be worse. At least it's not cancer, after all.

It got to the point that by middle school i was having idle fantasies about being grievously and dramatically injured to the point I lose my aching leg(s) and thus was finally granted a wheelchair. In my darkest moments I wondered how much pain doing it myself would be in the moment, but the thing that snapped me out of crippling (I use that word deliberately) myself was that I genuinely love the feeling of sand beneath my feet and the way beach sand (I wouldn't see the ocean until my twenties, but the artifical lake we went to had sand) felt in between your toes and how my feet didn't ache so much as the hot sand conformed around them. I still kept this quiet because I knew it was crazy and was beginning to realize that I as a whole being was crazy, but I didn't want to be treated as crazy so I kept my fantasies secret.

I've lost the point I was trying to make as I ramble on about these physically painful memories but I'm going to end by saying lmfao I've been using a cane for my pain (to not great success tbh) and have been told I'll prolly need a wheelchair in the next few years. My trepidation about this is totally devoid of any "be careful what you wish for!" karma and everything to do with how infamously inaccessible the Atlantic Coast of the United States is for mobility access. The buildings are all old and pretty and no one wants to ruin the aesthetics of the rowhomes and the shops (except the liquor stores, make of that as you will) don't want to put in the money to add or replace the stairs getting up to the shops with ramps.

This is really dumb even before I started using aides, because EVERYONE can use a ramp while only SOME people can use stairs. And that's not even the end of it, if you manage to get into the shops the aisles are too small to get even a folding chair in between, and no one wants to put in the extra work to rearrange the store to cater to those seeking "special treatment". For years I thought the A.D.A had a grandfather clause that said historical buildings didn't have to adapt unless they renovate and that's why the older cities on the East Coast are the way they are. Nope, that clause doesn't exist. But no one is willing to enforce the A.D.A except SOMETIMES for federal buildings. Even some medical facilities are on stairs with no ramp. Baltimore IS in the middle of a years-long A.D.A lawsuit, but it's only for the absolutely abysmal sidewalks that prevent wheelchairs from going over them at all and makes it treacherous for canes and crutches. I see people in wheelchairs on the road more than I see them on sidewalks because it's the only way to get a wheelchair to move. Baltimore drivers are legitimately and legendarily terrifying. I wouldn't even want to ride a bike (were I still able) in the bike lanes, let alone wheel myself IN a major road. This is going to be a terrifying experience here, unless something very much changes and soon. But will the abled leaders care enough even if they're under lawsuit? I don't feel optimistic. But what choice do/will I have? It doesn't HAVE to be hard, but it WILL be because ableds don't care enough to make even the slightest change to make it easier for EVERYONE if it takes even the slightest bit of effort. See: their collective response to covid

[xylomilo]

Ninja Headcannons

Cole

Any pronouns

Demiromantic Bisexual with male lean

Afro-Latino with a little bit of French from great-grandfather

NU Goth

Collects records

Short butterfly locs

Booba 🤲🤲🤲

Will eat anything and everything if it doesn’t leave his mouth

PTSD from the fall in March of the Oni 🥰

After DotD, the others (and him) kept forgetting Cole isn’t a ghost anymore so they kept hitting him and he kept bumping into walls for a while

His mother would make cake from him when younger, thus why he loves it so much

Releases stress by training, baking cakes, or listening to music

Likes to study the meaning behind song lyrics

Jay

Demi-Boy

He/They

Bisexual

3/4 Korean 1/4 White (Libber was half white half Korean)

Portable charger that never runs out

“BRO HIS HEART STOPPED BEATING” Jay: “Let me try” ELECTROCUTES HIM

Southern accent that faded away over time

Scene kid in high school

Mythology nerd

Everyone bullies him for being part white

Rise of the Brave Tangled Dragons fan

Refuses to download Twitter bc his fans scare the shit out of him

Audhd(?) (Autistic ADHD)

Kai

Trans

He/Him

Pansexual

Half Filipino Half Argentinian

Used to sacrifice a lot of things just to see Nya happy (cough cough Kenny McCormick cough cough)

Switched names with Nya one day and got hit by the transgender-fication ray

Constantly refers to Nya as “sis” because she used to be the only thing he had

Only good at forging magical weapons (the opposite of Karlof lmao)

Allergic to seafood but didn’t know until he was talking to the others like “yk it’s weird how fish makes my lips tingle” and they went 😟😟

Used to have nightmares the day his parents disappeared

Has accidentally made so many fires out the most random things

Every sea creature hates him

Dragons adore him and Oni loathe him

Lloyd

Trans, non-binary

He/They

Achillean AroAce spectrum

Vitiligo

Japanese with a bit of Chinese from grandma

AUTISTIC ADHD HAVER 🫵🫵🫵🫵

Has never seen any pictures of his grandmother, only heard vague stories

Lots of animals like him. Like a lot. Bro is followed by anything and everything when he goes to the park.

Seasonal allergies (FUCKING LOSER (im projecting))

Collector of books he will never read, physical and digital

Old dreamsmp fan- the others still make fun of him for it to this day

Sleeps in the most uncomfortable positions and places but is somehow fine

Lloyd wishes he had stayed in contact with Brad.

Had matching bracelets with Brad, but Lloyd doesn’t remember where he put it

Lloyd sometimes stalks Brad’s social media pages to see what he’s been up to, but is too scared to actually follow him back. When they do though, they find out Brad blocked them on everything the day after.

Post season 16, Lloyd became a pet sitter for a while. Imagine their surprise when the door opened and he was face-to-face with Brad. Lloyd quit the next day.

Nya

Trans

She/Her

Bisexual

Half Filipino Half Argentinian

Really observant

Knows what Kai did for her when they were younger and she feels awful about it

Can manipulate water in people but it’s hard to do

Couldn’t remember what her parents looked or sounded like until Season 7

Used to steal a lot when she was younger to help her brother

Every sea creature likes her

Dragons are terrified of her

Wakes up in a cold sweat when her older middle-child senses start tingling (Red Green Blue Ghost by beloved 🙏🙏)

Her and Morro got intense beef like fist fighting type (middle child stuff)

“Babe why is your mom hot” “Nya istfsm”

Zane

He/They/It

Pansexual

Vitiligo

African-American

AUTISTIC 🫵🫵

Used to overheat a lot pre season 4 but his ice powers cancelled it out

“Oh this media is nice” proceeds to research it for the next twelve hours (me)

JAZZ LIKER, GET HIS ASS

Gets treated like a brand new iPhone by Acronix 😭😭

Doesn’t need to charge, being near Jay Is enough 😭😭

Kenny McCormick by how many times he has died

“Don’t worry guys, I can fix this problem” pulls out gun

Wakes up in cold sweat “MY STUPID BITCH SENSES ARE TINGLING”

Their heart is made of ice, literally (their power core is made of blue crystal and chronosteel, which is how the old EM gave Zane their powers)

PIXAL

She/They/It

Unlabeled

African

Collects everything and anything

“Aw, this is too expensive!” … “Wait I’m rich.”

Only wears turtlenecks and plaid pants/skirts

Small rivalry with Nya because everything PIXAL creates, Nya has created before

A little bit insane

Zane: Would you still love me if I was a worm?

PIXAL: You already are

“Woah, they’re laser focused!” and PIXAL is listening to celebrity drama videos

Likes watching people argue on Samurai X’s gender/pronouns (thinks its funny)

Acts like schlatt sometimes

Has a habit of speaking in a monotone voice and is genuinely surprised when people think it’s being rude

Brutally honest 😭😭 Kai will say “does this make my ass look fat?” and PIXAL will respond with “the opposite, actually.”

[esta-elavaris]

The very very very fun thing about my family is that the more reasonable you endeavour to be, the shittier treatment you get because they don’t need to “worry about keeping you happy” and they assume that just because you don’t start problems, you’ll be a doormat.

My cousin - who treats my grandparents like total shit and had to be asked, at 34 years old, if she was aware of how she spoke to people (because it’s THAT bad — and her answer was “yes” before she absolutely did not change) gets appeased up the fckn arse 24/7 and relatives live to kiss her arse.

I, meanwhile, just mildly disagreed with my grandmother instead of biting my tongue, and got absolutely fucking screamed at. She then had no idea what to do and acted like I was in the wrong when I shut down and reverted to single word answers after that.

I cannot be fucking arsed man. I’m so done.

I can’t handle being screamed at, thanks to ✨ my childhood ✨— I’ve dead ass been on the verge of tears ever since, not because I’m upset (I’m actually just really fckn angry) but because I’m so on edge now. I’m sick of making constant concessions for people who act like this, and constantly taking their feelings into account when they’ll do this to me and not give a single solitary fuck afterwards.

[majormeilani]

riding off the emotions of last night,

i did actually end up confronting my grandmother and my uncle about their shitty behavior and i got the absolutely most deranged response i've EVER heard from them and not a single thing they said to me felt like a genuine apology.

the first thing i said to my grandmother was expressing that i don't feel respected by her and how she always makes excuses for my uncle making shitty comments and being an asshole and i asked her 'why do you always stick up for him when he says shitty things about me or my siblings' and her first response to me was '... because he's my son.'

and i was like ......... WHAT?!!!??!!

and i exploded from anger at that statement and barked back at her 'but i am your granddaughter. do my feelings not matter???' and then she fussed at me for yelling like 'you don't have to yell..' and i was like NO bitch i do need to yell and this coaxed my coward ass whiny bitch of an uncle out of his room because i was 'yelling at his mommy' cry me a fucking river

and then my brother stepped in on my behalf and lit them both the fuck up and called my grandmother something insulting but true and said she's only cared about herself, which is true, and then shit escalated to the point where my uncle threatened to call the cops on my brother and then kept telling him to leave and apologize to our grandmother, because they're both kiss ass bitches to each other and enable their bullshit. and then things escalated further to the point where my uncle ended up trying to remove my brother physically from the house, essentially assaulting him. and after that my brother just ended up waiting out in the car.

and after all that my uncle starts preaching to me about how he's 'always cared about us and loved us with his whole heart' and starts talking about how he 'doesn't understand how things ended up like this with our relationship' and sheds some crocodile tears about how he's so heartbroken that we don't love him back and whatever, when he's the one who literally made my brother suicidal since he was 6 years old with how shitty things he'd always treated us. and he has the audacity to try and appeal to me by bringing up the fact that my parents had a divorce and it's what 'ruined everything we had as a family' when motherfucker it was you acting like a piece of shit that ruined things between us, constantly bullying us and putting us down and saying hurtful things that my grandmother just excused as 'teasing' motherfucker. dunking my brother's head underwater when he was like ten years old and you're a grown ass man isn't fucking teasing. i would strangle you with my bare hands if i could, motherfucker.

and then he repeatedly brings up how i we were his 'first little nieces and nephew' and gets all weepy and pathetic again expressing how it breaks his heart and blah blah blah as if WE are hurting HIM for being affected by his shitty behavior?????? and then he mentions his own hardships and how he's not the type to hold grudges he just lets things go and leaves the past behind him and blah blah blah like wowww so hard for you to say your shit behavior wasn't that bad and express how we're somehow bad people for 'holding grudges' like dude.

also him mentioning how we're his first nieces and nephews was something he tried to use as leverage to the fact that 'his relationship with his other nieces and nephews aren't as bad as ours with him' yet they didn't live with him constantly growing up? and be tormented by him day by day? they didn't live with them. they're also children too, who don't know better yet and i'm honestly hoping they realize the true colors of that side of the family when they do grow up because my heart breaks for them being caught up with this shit too. i still can't believe he blamed it all on the divorce tearing shit apart when he's the one who acted that way with us before it happened.

and my grandmother also tried appealing to me too, getting in my face, touching me, and trying to wipe my tears and nose, like i'm a fucking child. and she proceeds to infantilize me by constantly bringing up child me and how she was so excited i was her first granddaughter and how she cried and blah blah blah. she kept bringing up how i was when i was a child and trying to use that to show me that she's always loved me no matter what I thought of her and ect. and then she goes on to try and commend me for my accomplishments and when i step to kinda move away from her, she steps in my way, essentially making a barrier to keep me from leaving while she's speaking. and she asks me if there's a way we can fix things between us and it's like???? that's not for me to figure out. that's her and my uncle's responsibility. they're the one who ruined things, not me. they just kept trying to ask essentially for another chance but that was not going to happen and kept trying to guilt trip me essentially by claiming that it's my choice of what happens, but heavily implying that we should just let it go and give them another chance. but like, it's clear to me these people won't change and it's why they've meant nothing to me. they played no part into shaping the person i am today so what makes them think i'm going to forgive them? they're as good as dead to me.

and guess what? after all of this bullshit they both had the audacity to ask for a hug. like i want your disgusting bodies against mine. fuck. off.

[lhaewiel]

HHHHHHHH I have been back home for less than a week and I am already feeling the rage of a thousand suns!!!!

I really am trying to be nice to my grandmother and forgive and the rest, BUT I CANNOT DO THAT.

She pisses me off to no end.

She is a narcissistic egoistic control maniac piece of shit who just likes abusing people the same exact way she was abused.

It pisses me off that she is constantly mistreating my dad, telling him that he is useless and that he is less than actual shit, but whenever she has issues, or she needs to go somewhere my dad suddenly becomes useful.

It pisses me off that she treats me like an object, as if I could not do anything on my own, as if I need to be babied all the time. She treats me as if I was a toy that needs to stay right beside her 24/7.

It pisses me off that she's constantly like "you will have the money you need now when I die". As if she was a pharaoh who needs her belongings for the afterlife.

It pisses me off that she is constantly offending my husband because he is from a different region, therefore for her he is a "lazy, poor, criminal, and also a terrone". She is offending my dad too because he too is not from the same town/region.

I have so much anger and frustration.

I hope she passes away so I can finally be free of her abuse. I know it's not nice to say, but I am 34 years old and she has been like that all the time.

She has lead my own mother to abuse me and she has lead her to her grave.

She wants to appear as the martyr, but she is just a manipulative piece of garbage.

I can't.

I can't anymore.

I want to be back with my husband as far away as I can.

I want my dad to put her in like a hospice and be free.

I can't take it anymore.

I am so angry.

[raccoongodapollo]

1. i do with my mom, i'm going to have to cut my father out of my life like badly matted fur.

2. my fiancé

3. many things. most often and strongly losing a friend who took her own life and not having the courage to reach out sooner.

4. very.

5. I'm engaged.

6. in my sleep or by that one gas that kills you painlessly

7. two corndogs and some vanilla flavoured milk.

8. never

9. near constantly

10. somewhere around a year ago, i think.

11. yes, my fiancé and i have strong, very platonic feelings for my two best friends <3 love you dorks only one might see this lmao

12. heha yea. used to regularly. think the longest i ever stayed up was like 60 or 70 something and i almost offed myself lmao

13. my father. and the fucking clown guy that goes around my fiancé's apartment complex with a horn. and my fiancé's bio parents (terrible awful abusers, grandmother adopted them.)

14. yes. my friends who i don't see as often as i'd like because it's summer. and eli, RIP.

15. he's not mine he's my mom's and therefore my brother. i love him very much and he's very mean unless you feed him treats lmao. his name is little bits.

16. my ears hurt and im tired and lonely and wishing my friends were here to talk to me and give me their attention lmao.

17. yes i think? Can't remember i've made out like everywhere except an airplane.

18. only in person, love them otherwise.

19. FUCK YES.

20. my fiancé's living room right before i left

21. sleep, apply for work, play Minecraft

22. ABSOLUTELY NOT NO NO NO NU UH I'D RATHER DIE THAT KID WOULD END UP SO FUCKED UP

23. yes and just on my earlobes, saving up for more though >:}

24. maaaaath. love that shit.

25. yes. said friend who took her own life, fly high.

26. mmm chicken wings and cuddles

27. yea, but he cheated on me sooo

28. by every. single. one. of my exes.

29. yes my fiancé gets very overwhelmed very easily and will burst into tears at even the slight inconvenience or bad thought but i support them the best i can. some people just cry easier and that's okay, i love them no matter how often or strongly they express their emotions <3

30. ear hurts for no reason and now my foot is super numb too lmao

31. yes <3

32. greeeeen and also blaaaaack

33. absolutely. took me forever to actually start really fully trusting my fiancé and im starting to fully trust my besties.

34. uh i had a stress dream about school that was weird and the rest have been nightmares so bad im genuinely afraid to sleep alone for fear of waking up and then hyperventilating myself back to sleep. /gen

35. my fiancé.

36. probably yea. i think so anyways.

37. forget because i have memory problems 😎

38. yea, probably. can't remember most of it though.

39. uuuuuuh like 12 i think. 12 or 13.

40. no not yet

51 - okay so what the fuck happened to the 40s they're gone but uh chicken wings. specifically mild boneless ones from pizza hut. basically just saucy chicken nuggets, and are god.

52. fuuuuck no life is a game of random chance and the fates like to fuck with me in a recognizable pattern (when im happy everything falls apart shortly after achieving this state :])

53. cry and eat mac an cheese while inviting one of my friends to a festival next year

54. NO. NO. CHEATING IS NEVER OKAY. CONSENSUAL OPEN RELATIONSHIPS AND POLYAMOURY AND ALL THAT IS NOT CHEATING BUT CHEATING IS NEVER OKAY. BEING IN A RELATIONSHIP OR SEXUALLY ACTIVE WITH SOMEONE OTHER THAN YOUR CHOSEN PARTNER WITHOUT CONTENT FROM SAID PARTNER IS CHEATING AND IT IS BAD.

55. no people consistently describe me as sweet. unless im grumpy or with family who i dislike. then i am Very mean unless i like you, then im just a bit grumbly lmao.

56. over 10 lost count after that lmao

57. yes <3

58. cooooooold

59. never experienced it cuz i live in earth's hellhole but probably

60. yes. obviously. lmao

61. it's comforting, not necessarily cute. creepy if you're not careful

62. food and sleep and weed (cbd and thc) and my fiancé and my friends and cuddles and head pats and raccoons and frogs and ducks and possums and-

63. yes i am traaaaans woo hoo

64. nope not if i was with them we're extremely physically intimate constantly

65. panic get confused and reject them. if they're my bestie then they sure as hell know im engaged

66. lmao they know im suicidal but not what my favourite colour is so

67. my friend who works at a place that im going to apply to cuz they're hiring

68. my fiancé

69. yes lmao but not in the conventional way

70. yes. my two best friends and my fiancé. probably also my mom but she would NOT consent to that. actually none of these people would but shhhh

70 horrible questions ... Fuck it

01: Do you have a good relationship with your parents? 02: Who did you last say “I love you” to? 03: Do you regret anything? 04: Are you insecure? 05: What is your relationship status? 06: How do you want to die? 07: What did you last eat? 08: Played any sports? 09: Do you bite your nails? 10: When was your last physical fight? 11: Do you like someone? 12: Have you ever stayed up 48 hours? 13: Do you hate anyone at the moment? 14: Do you miss someone? 15: Have any pets? 16: How exactly are you feeling at the moment? 17: Ever made out in the bathroom? 18: Are you scared of spiders? 19: Would you go back in time if you were given the chance? 20: Where was the last place you snogged someone? 21: What are your plans for this weekend? 22: Do you want to have kids? How many? 23: Do you have piercings? How many? 24: What is/are/were your best subject(s)? 25: Do you miss anyone from your past? 26: What are you craving right now? 27: Have you ever broken someone’s heart? 28: Have you ever been cheated on? 29: Have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry? 30: What’s irritating you right now? 31: Does somebody love you? 32: What is your favourite color? 33: Do you have trust issues? 34: Who/what was your last dream about? 35: Who was the last person you cried in front of? 36: Do you give out second chances too easily? 37: Is it easier to forgive or forget? 38: Is this year the best year of your life? 39: How old were you when you had your first kiss? 40: Have you ever walked outside completely naked? 51: Favourite food? 52: Do you believe everything happens for a reason? 53: What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night? 54: Is cheating ever okay? 55: Are you mean? 56: How many people have you fist fought? 57: Do you believe in true love? 58: Favourite weather? 59: Do you like the snow? 60: Do you wanna get married? 61: Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby? 62: What makes you happy? 63: Would you change your name? 64: Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed? 65: Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? 66: Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around? 67: Who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to? 68: Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with? 69: Do you believe in soulmates? 70: Is there anyone you would die for?

[plasmamembranes]

baking will literally never be anything I do for myself so I appreciate having others who are doing it for me for the first time in my life. like, I have so much gratitude for being treated this way and for being allowed to have my current lifestyle.

I love to cook because I don't need a recipe for anything basically. If some dish is mostly foreign to me I can usually glance over it then completely do my own thing from there once I have the gist of it. I like being able to improvise and do whatever the hell I want thanks to what feels like a lifetime of cooking for myself. Cooking has a lot of wiggle room (unless you're doing something extravagant), baking is like...if you don't follow the recipe perfectly then you will have wasted 4 hours of your life and end up with something fully inedible

Gf's mom and grandmother are constantly praising my improv skills for cooking and always saying they don't get how I just do what I do in the kitchen and how I'm always throwing shit together that they never would have thought of. It's almost like there's two different mindsets between a cooker and a baker lol but I also know it's due to how I was raised like my dad was like this too.

[swallowed-by-the-moon]

I'm just wondering what my life could've been like if I wasn't constantly broken for life. everyone was breaking me, I had nowhere to hide, no comfort space so I just had to live with being constantly pushed. "you have to do what your grandmother tells you even if it's YOUR vacation and you just want to chill instead of constantly doing what she wants", "she tried to beat you up, shouted at you and humiliated you on the street? you provoked her. you just have to do what she says and we don't care what you want", "she called you fat, told you that your ass is so big it doesn't fit into the doors, told you you looked like a junkie? she's your grandmother she doesn't want to hurt you. besides she did so much for you, you should be grateful", "no we won't take you home because we don't want to. do what you want". I started to want to kms at 12 because of her. because of how she treated me. I felt like I was just a slave, not her grandchild. I don't contact with her in any way for almost 2 or 3 years now ig and I have no regrets.

tgey never asked me what I wanted, I attended the after school activities I hated and they didn't give a single shit about how I felt because "there's no "I want or I don't want to do this" in life, there are things you HAVE TO do". my wishes were never treated with respect. my father ignored me and still does and if I tried to make him love me when I was a kid I just don't give a shit about him now, I want him to perish. my mother always switched sides. when I fucked up even a little bit she went from "you are my unique creative child, I love you so much" to "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE LIKE TAHT?? THIS HAPPENED BECAUSE OF YOU BECAUSE YOU'RE CONSTANTLY TRYING TO BE SO UNIQUE AND YOU ARE SO ATTENTION SEEKING. YOU MAKE YOURSELF LOOK UGLY". and I know when she lashed out on me she meant every word whereas when she was telling me how much she loves me she was probably lying because you can't seriously think that someone is so cool and unique while also seeing them as an ugly attention seeker

I loved to play guitar when I was younger, I had a guitar teacher (who was an asshole but I didn't see it back then) who was lije a father figure to me and once my father straight up banned me from attending GUITAR LESSONS because he didn't like how I acted. I had to spend my last money to attend a lesson and when my father found out I visited a lesson he became furious. he was shouting at me and threatening to break my guitar and ban me from attending lessons completely. HE WAS GOING TO STRIP ME OF THE ONLY THING I FOUND MEANINGFUL IN THIS LIFE and that says a lot about him. he never cared and never will. all he does is act like he can stand me, but he can't and I know it for sure for I remember everything and people don't change

I was told I was guilty when I was called to a principal's office because I was wearing corpse paint inspired make up (there were no crosses or pentagrams on my face, basically I just did a back eye makeup which looked like flames). guilty for what? "halloween is over and you know it. that's no way to show up to school" but what can I do? I am naturally like that I can't just be like everyone else because I'm an artist by nature and my body is a canvas. they told me to throw away all my band merch, start wearing normal clothes, dye my hair in a natural colour and grow my hair to "look more like a girl". it triggered me so bad, I couldn't stand a thing of being trapped in someone else's body having to look like they tell me to. sui attempt. failure. pills. scars. sadness and pity in everyone's eyes.

later my mother was telling me that she knew taht I was unique tge moment I was born which Ig she said just to please me because if she really thought I was unique she had to know I won't just be "normal". yet she tried to make me be that. she bought me a scar removal gel and I knew where it was going. she couldn't accept my scars as they were

once I asked my mother if she knew what she was doing when she gave birth to me, if she knew about the fact that I will not be just a funny lil toy, but a human she'll have to take care of? and she told me "I thought the love towards you will come to me naturally and it won't be so hard to raise you". at least she told the truth

I feel so envious when others tell me their parents never pushed them to do shit they didn't want to or spend time with relatives that are obviously abusive. sometimes I think what did I do wrong to be treated like I have no personal will to do things, like I'm just an object, a property? they've broken me and they are okay with that. they laugh at memories that bring me so much pain. and I know they will never change because they don't want to

[sincelastsession]

It's almost 7am. I haven't slept.

My parents have a budget of 1k and want to move me asap. I'm supposed to find alll the places by myself and call.

I was going to go talk to the office today about my neighbors. I feel like I need a script to go off of or someone in my ear telling me what to say. They seem to treat me like I'm a racist. Yes these people are POC. The problem is the noise and rude behavior. I'm very protective of my peace and cannot function if it's disrupted constantly.

I was told not to bother by my mom because she doesn't think it's going to fix anything and I will be moving soon enough and to wear earplugs and the shitty ear protection that is not made for autistic people and does not block out enough noise. I do not think I should have to wear either of these items in order to live in this apartment complex I have not needed them before. All this began when these people moved into the apartment near me. I can hear people dropping off their children as the apartment currently and the children are crying and screaming. I hate it. My head already hurts. When I got home Yesterday from eating lunch with my mom I was at my door and somebody spoke through the ring doorbell that they have set up at their little daycare and yelled who is it. It was not a normal question it was aggressive and rude and they also yelled something else intelligible at me and I cannot prove any of this happened. The office seems to not give a fuck about my sanity or anything else for that matter.

So my parents are willing to move me and they are both arguing about who has to pay how much and I have been given a limit of $1000.

Most places that would be safe and quiet for me to be able to heal and balance out and work on things and flourish are more expensive than that my parents already expect me to contribute to the $1000 which does not make sense because they told me that before they told me I needed to contribute which means that I have to rework my entire budget which I don't mind looking at but I would like to have money to do nice things for myself just like they do nice things for themselves. I would like to lead a normal life as much as possible. I was not allowed to do so in my childhood. I was the one taking care of everybody else so there was the least amount of conflict possible or I was made to feel that I had to be that way. I have always been put in the middle and forced to choose between my parents. They both speak about each other in horrible manners. I am not innocent of talking shit about both of them obviously. But what I'm saying is true and what they are saying is to manipulate me against one another which they have done as far back as I can remember. I was used as a weapon. I am still being used as a weapon. They think that I am using them and that is far from the truth. I am extremely angry at them though.

So anyway I have 1K to work with. I either need a very large one bedroom home with a small office room that I can use as an office or guest room. Or I need an actual 2 bedroom 2 bath apartment where I can get a roommate or a 3 bedroom apartment where I can get 2 roommates or just one I really don't care. Actually that's not true I would prefer not to have a roommate I have a lot of furniture and I do own a lot of things and there's more furniture that I would like to get from my father's house. I could furnish my own home and most of the furniture I do have is antique and inherited from my grandmother. I do not wish to live in a place so small that I would have to put it in storage and pay extra money that I don't have or sell it. It has functionality and sentimental value. I throw away things that I don't need or I give it to people who do need it or I handed over to people will go and drop it off to be donated if I'm having trouble doing that myself.

I have found many places however none of the places are satisfactory to either of my parents. They tell me that all the places that I have found that are affordable are in bad areas. Some of the places they are talking about they are correct about but they have given me a limit and that's what I have to work with. I have told them both that I would be happy to have a condo with 2 bedrooms if one of the bedrooms was downstairs and I would happily get a roommate who could live upstairs But in all honesty I would like to keep a guest room/office/art room. I am a 37-year-old woman and I feel that that is important to me in a place to live. I need a place that will allow me to have my cats. They are natural therapy cats. They help me from having very bad Complex PTSD episodes. They help me when I am having autistic meltdowns. They are overall beneficial to my well-being and get me out of bed when I am having a rough time.

My biggest fear is that my parents are not serious and aren't planning to move me like they say they are and that if I start packing things that I am not using currently will it be a waste of time and energy?

Is it going to be another lie?

One time my mom Almost ruined a very long friendship of mine because she wanted to put a down payment on a small garden home for me and thought that she would somehow magically have the money to do that because she was speaking to a scammer. She never admitted this to me but I figured it out. It was not hard to figure out. She did not reply to any of the Is attempts at contact from my friend. He spent time and energy out of his very big business That he charges his normal clients lots and lots of money for his services. His clients include some very prominent figures in Louisiana. I was going to get all of that for free and she ruined it.

My father then said that he would help me find a place to live and we looked at exactly one place with a friend of Mine who was considering being my roommate but after being around my father and becoming quite Disturbed about his behavior he Changed his mind and he also told me that the price was Too Much anyway which I agreed on and I asked him if he would not mind looking at other places with me and he said sure and Then a few weeks later he blocked me completely And I never got an explanation. I assume that it's possible that my father might have called him or that he might have been so disturbed by my father that he did not want to be my roommate or associate with me anymore. I can't really figure out what exactly I did in that situation to make someone completely stop speaking to me I have pored over the messages and thought about everything I had said to that person prior to them disappearing out of my life I'm sure that they had their reasons and it might have not been a malicious reason.

It's 7:20 AM and I hear children screaming. I hear a lady screaming at them to shut the fuck up. This is apartment 60 In the corner near my apartment. I do think that at some point someone should probably call CPS because I do not know what is going on in that situation nor do I think that daycare's run out of apartments in apartment complexes are a very good idea for children a business or community. There are only 2 bedrooms in that apartment and there is no way that all of those children live there.

People tend to drop their kids off more often when the pool is open someone has ripped the pool sign that says closed off of the pool area out of anger because they think I am responsible for that. Unfortunately as much as I would have liked to be responsible for the green algae in the pool that is a natural occurrence due to lack of chlorine in the pool and weather I looked it up and read about how it occurs. It probably has to do with the fact that she makes the children stay downstairs in the pool and around the pool most of the day and I don't See them get to go upstairs to use the restroom ever until she calls them in to come eat and get dressed so their parents pick them up. I know that they are a Muslim family and I do not have any hate in my heart for the Muslim religion. I know that my other neighbor is Christian and I do not have hate in my heart for their religion either. If I have to continue to live here I am going to put pagan things out as decorations just like they have put their own decorations up. I want to do that because I have always wanted to do that not despite these people technically. It is part of my belief system and I feel that you know I have freedom of religion and writes to express that. I feel though that if I did that the apartment complex would have an issue with me and it would be a literal witch hunt. I am surprised that none of the children have come over to the area in front of my apartment and fucked with anything yet but there's still time I guess. They already call me a witch and say things about me that I know that they are repeating from the woman that lives there. There has been no direct confrontation but there has been many indirect things said towards my direction when I have been outside and wanting to garden and have nervously gone inside my apartment because I can't stand the noise and the behavior.

All of this could be solved in several different ways but those ways are out of my control and in control of the office and people that can report things to child protective services. I have tried to speak to child protective services but I have no proof of child neglect or anything else even though there is obvious Neglect going on in some way. I do not video or record these people or take pictures of them. I was asked by someone once in the office to do so and I told them no. I feel like that is going too far.

I am upset that I did not sleep and I am absolutely dreading today because I am exhausted and I know I'm going to hear a lot of Loud noises and I cannot Sleep with earplugs in or headphones and I Really do not Want To pull a 24 hour. My head fucking hurts and it's hurt on the right sad for over a year and I have spoken to so many fucking doctors about it and nobody has given me an answer but I can spend 5 minutes on Google and figure out a couple things it could be but fuck me they're not going to investigate any of it because I'm a big stupid not Doctor person And how dare I not go to Doctor's school and get my little Doctor's certificate. How dare I know things that professionals don't even think about. I mean it could be just a simple headache related to the concussion I sustained A couple years ago. It could be an aneurysm because I never got that test done because no one wanted to take me to get that test done and it was fucking ridiculous and I cannot afford an Uber all the way to New Orleans and all the way home. I really don't want to get a brain aneurysm test done by myself. That's really scary and nobody understands that I need somebody to go with me. Nobody understands that every single Doctor appointment I have is traumatic for me. I have an appointment with my psychiatrist on the eighth and I am terrified That I'm in trouble and I couldn't tell you why I would be in trouble but I called them in distress because I got screwed up with taking my anxiety medicine I was not taking more of it than I should have I was taking less but I did not know when I needed to pick it app or if I had a refill or when my next appointment was or if I needed to schedule and I told them that I was in APT SD flair and I needed to get some help and I needed to Either have my medication dose up or I needed some suggestions on what else I can do other than go to therapy to reduce the amount of stress and anxiety etc that I am experiencing. I do not know how a psychiatrist and his PA are going to solve this. I have literally been on every medication you can think of that would work for someone with anxiety including heart medications that fucked me up and anti psychotics and mood stabilizers etc. It's actually really funny to be able to understand why Britney Spears is so fucking unhinged I feel a great sense of relation to why she is acting so bizarre because she is finally free. I wonder sometimes if I will act bizarre when I finally am free. Also a lot of the American public does not understand that she is just a woman from Kinner who has been overmedicated her entire fucking life and not diagnosed correctly. I am sure that she has lots and lots and lots and lots of trauma. It seems like her and other big name movie stars seem to have alter egos and I find that pretty interesting. The fact that her parents and sibling tried to control her life is very relatible. She's not like somebody I'm super into I'm not a huge fan I just identify with a lot of the things that she had to go through. People around her even now don't seem to have her best interest in heart and that makes me sad because I feel that way about a lot of people that aren't part of my support system. I feel like most people don't want anything to do with me unless they're getting something out of being my friend. Or unless they can use me in some way.

The only time I have felt in control recently is when I have been in submission to my dominant with enthusiastic consent. I feel this is therapeutic for me. I try not to overdo it because I do not want my partner to feel or think that it is his job to regulate me all the time. In fact it's not his job at all to do that. He understands my situation and every aspect of why I seek him out to dominate me. He understands that I love him very much and that I have no desire to fuck up his life in any way with my bullshit just like he doesn't want to fuck up my life with his bullshit.

I really do love my partner.

I also really miss my ex-boyfriend. It really hurts because I know he has feelings for me but I know he is also 30 years old and does not know what he wants in a lot of ways. I don't think that I am feeling liberence I truly feel that I am still in love with him and I have not been able to stop being in love with him. I really do want nothing more than to date him again. Granted he would be okay with me having my long distance partner. My long distance partner Would like if I had someone here to meet my needs and be supportive of me because he can't be in 2 places at onceven though he tries really really hard to be there for me and tends to speak to me more than he speaks to everyone else so I have been told. I am hesitant to say but I feel like he actually really does love me and it's hard for me to understand. It's hard for me to understand being loved. I have no problem loving others but I do not understand people loving me. I do not know how to receive love from people correctly. I am scared of this. I want so badly to be able to love and have sex and go out and have fun and have drinks and do stupid things and not regret any of it like so many people go out and do constantly. I am 37 and I feel like I have 0 prospects and that I'm never going to get to live my life and I'm terrified that I will never get married or settle down or have somebody to grow old was and I don't want to be alone because I have been alone my entire life. And one could argue that I have not been alone in my entire life but that's how it feels. I feel like a captive in my own apartment. It feels like a gilded cage and I can leave if I want to but I don't know if the door will be shut when I come back. I have everything I need. But what about the things that I want. It's hard to get myself anything that I want because that's wrong. It's hard to go get a haircut and get my nails stun or buy myself closing or do anything because it's wrong because it's a waste of money because I already have that even if it's torn pieces.

I feel terrorized By my own mind and by my own family.

I really just want to find a 2 bedroom place to live that is Going to meet my needs.

I don't like how bad I'm doing. I know that's the environment I'm in and with all the noise and with the miscommunication with my parents and all of the trauma that I have endured last year and this year that I am not going to get any better staying here. I cannot walk around with noise blocking devices forever I have sensory issues I cannot deal with it for so long. It makes me want to jump out of or rip-off my own skin and run Into the Woods to never be seen again unfortunately I have to see doctors and take medication and take care of my health so I cannot run away.

I'm exhausted and for the I don't know how many days in a row I just don't want to participate with today I do not want to get out of bed I want to sleep I want to eat I don't want to do anything I don't even think I can concentrate to do anything except the app that's this fucking phone and record what's going on in my head and within my life.

Stephanie at 1 point was going to help me get a place to live and pay for part of it and work with my father until he had me ask her to buy me an apartment or rent an apartment for me or something like that I don't know you'll have to ask me in session about that if I have not told you.

I would like Stephanie to come in for an appointment. She seems to think that I have hypochandrea and does not understand all of my mental health issues or physical health issues and I have tried to explain to her in simple terms that I am medically fragile. She has been my mentor since high school. I view her like an aunt or a very strange mother. She has grandchildren now that she is more focused on and she promised me money a long time ago and it never happened because she sent a check in the mail and my mailbox was broken into and so I had to have her canceled the check.

There's many peoples that I would like to have and participate in these appointments. I feel like that could be highly helpful. I feel like that there is something that I am missing about myself.

If you do not know what a Johari window is please look that up. Basically what I want that can tell me.

I also just want to know in general if a neuropsych is actually available to evaluate me. Medicaid says there are 2. One of them refuses to see me and I don't know why. I saw them once as a teen when I felt I was having cognitive decline. He told my parents I was just probably bipolar and disrespectful and spoiled. Thus made my life hell. I never even completed the cognitive testing because I had trouble with it. A neurologist at the neuromedical center pointed out that I did gave some sort of issue but said it wasn't anything to worry about. They were white spots.

I have seen a neuro a Tulane and been completely blown off because I will get in what people hear as frantic or rude when I'm just trying to be clear and assertive.

I don't like that I only have a few people that can understand me if I just talk in my normal tone. Most people can't read my inflection and think I'm being rude.

Yesterday when I was talking to my mom I realized that I have not been at peace and relaxed and not hypervigilant my entire life.

I cannot think of a moment in my life where I was not hypervigilant.

Even as a small child I do not remember being safe or comfortable.

I know that there is a locked door in my head full of other things that I am not ready for. I would really just like to reinforce that door and never open it.

I have remembered enough. I was subject to horrific things at the age of 2 years old onward.

Everybody just thinks it's my parents.

Yeah there are a big part of it probably a majority of it even though the other things that I've been through are pretty fucking terrible as well.