#My grandmother is constantly treating me like shit

[godtears]

I'm glad I got to spend time with my little family and get some fresh air and eat something more substantial than usual. But I can't shake this feeling of just... Profound sadness.

[enigma-the-anomaly]

I hate when there is anger inside my body. I am very small and my feelings are very big :(

[sixthwater]

Hello! I was able to get a reading out! I've been thinking of doing this reading for a minute and it wouldn't go away so here I am. Hopefully this is helpful to those who read it. It briefly touches over scars/wounds that seem to stem from childhood, and advice on how to heal them.

Left → Right / Pile 1 → Pile 4)

Decks Used: The Luminous Spirit, The Horror Tarot, The Abandoned Oracle, Angel Tarot, Trickster's Journey, Sacred Creators Oracle, Fairies Oracle Deck, Animal Spirit Oracle

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Pile One

Cards: Ace of Pentacles Rx, Page of Wands Rx, Knight of Cups, X of Swords, III of Cups, King of Pentacles Rx, Combustion Rx, The Spider Rx

This feels like someone who is constantly let down but has to reign in their anger or have to put their desire on the backburner for others or due to external situations. So let’s see; virgo/libra/capricorn placements, saturn-moon aspects, afflicted mars? Those are a rough few off the top of my head. Either way, I get that it stems from childhood or you have a pattern with close friends that they would promise something or I hear ‘I’ll make it up to you’ but it always fell through, so in turn you just stopped hoping for things and you are a bit..shut off? It’s not that you’re cold and you still let people in, but there’s a big fear – even if it’s muted – that once you let them in they might hurt you the same way you’ve been hurt before. Or that there’s no point in hoping you’ll get what you want. We’ll see in the advice part obviously but it also seems like you’ve just started taking this behavior as well and there’s not much action against it. Page of Wands is a doll that’s slightly ruined and I get the same energy from the ten of swords as well for some reason. It doesn’t feel like bitching but it reminds me of that ‘everything is fine’ card from The Modern Witch deck. As for Combustion, I can see how that might be internally, but you smother that. Reminds me of the daydream bits from Scrubs – you going off on someone but you don’t really do it. Your escapism isn’t the typical form, it’s just that you avoid deep attachment with people or emotions in general so you won’t get hurt. From this, I’d have to assume you sacrificed or did/gave a lot for the people you cared about but felt like they didn’t care for you the same. For a select few it could also have to do with finances or a lack of due to the ace and king of pentacles, but that’s a fleeting feeling.

Advice

Cards: X of Cups Rx, Wheel of Fortune, III of Wands, Cut the Cords of Doubt, Treat Yourself, Desire, Tarantula, Panther

You have to feel. You have two Ten’s, cutting the cord, and two fire cards. There’s a lot of purging and passion – ‘extreme’ energy if you will. The advice given circles around the house of accepting that; you are upset. You’re hurt, angry, betrayed – whatever it is, you’re feeling it. So you have to sit in it and really let that shit sink in and then finally let it out. Accepting it isn’t letting bygones be bygones, it’s understanding that you’re human and you’re not always going to be forgiving of everything and your emotions aren’t always going to make sense. For example, my friend has recently gotten the cutest kitten I have ever seen and she loves her. She has also lost her grandmother recently who she was close to. That same kitten had wrecked an item that her grandmother gave her and she expressed that she felt bad for getting mad at the cat and like, that’s to be expected. Things like that, you (pile one) have to come to terms with. Once you go through this little purge, just kind of…let go and let be. By that I mean; don’t try to predict what people are going to do or what’s going to happen with the things around you. The angel on this three of wands has their eyes closed so it’s like, waiting for the effects of your purging to take place. Once you start to implement these changes into your mindset and how you interact with people, wait to see how it’ll affect your relations with others. So the main thing is, you gotta work on your mindset and you gotta allow yourself to openly access these emotions and just feel. It’s tricky, but you have to understand that not everyone is going to be ‘Rebecca’ or ‘John’, they’re new and different people who might treat you the way you deserve to be treated. Which they only know how to if you start treating yourself better too. A lot of this is just examining your relationship with yourself, the world, others, etc. Do you think you’re unworthy of something? Why? Actually work through it, the more you process it the more information comes out. We can be aware of simple things but unless we’re actively going through our memories, some things we might’ve locked away suddenly resurfaces and gives us new context that we can work on. I’m also not surprised to see that some of the cards is just feeling a new zest/passion for life. It’s about finding your purpose but I’m reading it as finding love and standing up for yourself. Not in an argumentative way but if you feel like you’re being treated unfairly, discuss it with that person. Don’t take it because you feel like you deserve it or it’s your version of the status quo. You don’t have to rest in fighter mode but right now I believe – if i have to speak in this deck’s language – you’re docile and the reflex is to flee. You need to learn the balance of fighting as well. Again, for some of you it might be that you stay with people or situations that are familiar or comfortable even if they hurt you and you need to go beyond what you know. Seek out new things once you’ve done the work on yourself, because there’s a high chance you might outgrow these things.

Pile Two

Cards: The High Priestess, V of Wands, Judgement Rx, King of Wands, Wheel of Fortune, The Lovers Rx, Tears

You guys are special because I had to read for you guys today. I checked in and they refused to let me do it. Even after saying it was a healing reading and I'm not invasive yadayadayada, they did Not want to let me do it. Moving on. . .

Now that I’m allowed to pull your cards, I understand the protection. The Priestess and King are coming up as parental figures or just – it feels weird to say this but in comparison to the rest of the piles, they’re coming up as specific figures. It stands out because usually you will get pairs (K & Q of Cups) but instead we have a figure who is seen as intuitive and in this deck a little intimidating vs a figure who is charismatic and in this deck: has a mask on. So it’s like the top row (Priestess to the King) stands for these figures in your life whereas the rest of the cards represent the effect it had on you. So it’s interesting that between them we have conflicts, possibility of them talking down to each other, lack of awareness of where/when they’re doing it (as in their surroundings). I get a feeling of them keeping the relationship for physical matters (financial, responsibility, etc) instead of breaking it off to save stress. There’s also another element here that the King has a mask and his back is turned, but he’s facing us as if we stepped in on him doing something wrong, so of course that’s combined with The High Priestess. However this card has a little ‘animal’ with her which seems to be a messenger. So it’s like getting caught but not in the act, so no grounds to attack leaving someone to just pick at them. Onto you; this leads to an unstable environment. It just sets precedent that this is the norm, but if it is you don’t want it. It doesn’t really make you feel ‘safe’, or happy, or gave you any pleasant feelings. There was a video I watched about this, but it spoke of children dealing with forms of abuse having poor health due to always being on alert. While this may not be exactly what you’re dealing with, I think you were pretty much set up in the same way because I get the feeling of someone never really wanting to relax because they’re always waiting for that next argument or picking up on tones. I’m also consistently hearing ‘if this is what love is then I don’t want it’ over and over again while I’m trying to decipher this.

Advice

Cards: Page of Pentacles, The Fool, Queen of Pentacles, Say It Out Loud, Cozy up with Risk, Celebrate Your Wins, Gazelle

Gazelle personalities are often hyper-aware of their surroundings (bordering on hyper-vigilant)

Yeah. So if you’ve seen Skinamarink it kind of reminds me of that? It’s not my movie but people describe the tension as being…well, the gazelle personality, which is why I’m bringing it up, and of course those types of fears can start to become physical pains. I really recommend watching these two videos because it’s something to think about. To start off with this spread, it’s asking you to either speak to someone, or to journal which might be preferable to a good amount of you. I did this a few years ago but when I was in a good headspace, I just started from the beginning and made it to the present so I could do my best to unravel where my issues are stemming from and try to work on them little by little. It’s like untangling hair, it’s frustrating and you might just want to chop it off but if you go slow, you can carefully get the mess undone and figure out where the core of the issue is. The rest of this? Just grounding. It’s asking you to get out of your head and get out of survival mode and to just breathe and live. Always a lot harder to practice, but you have to catch yourself when you’re doing it and step back and knock yourself into doing it haha. I’m not necessarily picking up on trust issues or problems relating to people – at least they’re not highlighting it – but it’s more about getting stuck in your head and trying to play chess with the world and how things play out. You can’t do that. That’s like trying to fight the wheel of fortune, you’re going to lose. So spirit wants you to slowly learn how to relax and get more into the physical world. If walks help while listening to podcasts to get out of that routine, go and do that! I believe the key here is to figure out what the trigger is for overthinking and anxiety so you can catch yourself. From there, it’s just a day by day process of nurturing yourself.

Pile Three

Cards: Judgement Rx, III of Pentacles Rx, Temperance, The Fool Rx, II of Pentacles Rx, Combustion Rx

Control? Which is interesting because I feel like Judgement should be upright. However. Okay it feels like self-contained chaotic energy. Not to bring my Wife Swap binging into this, but there was a relationship between a wife and her daughter where the kid would…be a kid? And the mom would call her a misbehaving brat and label her ‘The Bad Child’. That dynamic seems like you’re implementing it upon yourself. You don’t have to have these, but I’m seeing the habit of chewing at your nails and other anxious fidgeting that’s usually picking at yourself. For some actually it reminds me of children who are neurodivergent and the family doesn’t properly know how to care for them so the child has to like…’tame’ it? I hope that makes sense. Anyway, I’m getting a lot of self-control, anxiety, frustration, foot tapping/leg shaking, and self-criticism. There’s also a piece of solitude. It’s not a choice but with the three and two it’s like…it reminds me of the eight of pentacles. Working endlessly at the same thing but this ‘thing’ is yourself. It’s keeping you in check. This ‘three’ situation might’ve been that you just simply didn’t get along with a lot of people so now you’re more introverted/isolated but I don’t get that it’s who you are? Because the ‘two’ feels like someone who is constantly watching a pot boil to make sure it doesn’t spill over, like it’s a 9-5 job for them. It’s not fun. I don’t get chaos with this externally, it’s a lot of control and it doesn’t feel fun. This could honestly just be an external routine that’s inflicted upon you but it feels more like experiences that you went through and you’ve learned that ‘ok I have to be like this in order for people to like me’.

Advice

Cards: Knight of Swords Rx, X of Wands Rx, IV of Cups, Strength, The Spark of Hustle, Ambush Fear with your Ferocious Dream, Stage of Play, Firefly, Crow

Not surprised by these cards so I have to go deeper here. Also, the Barbie soundtrack started playing in my head, take that how you will. Okay so, directly interpreting these cards is just telling you: don’t be scared, be yourself, go big or go home. Basically. That’s a bit difficult knowing the energy I picked up so. Knight of Swords can be a bit brash or rude, immature, and messy. Not the most welcoming energy, but you’ve already been locked in a cage and taught to be a type of person that you never were anyway – so it’s telling you to unwind a little bit and be more comfortable with letting that out every now and again. Especially with the ten of wands to back it up. If that voice in your head tells you to mind your actions or words, think about what an unlearned Knight of Swords would do. Obviously, don’t actively hurt people’s feelings or be a dick, but you don’t have to walk around as someone else. Four of Cups is pointing towards throwing away this mindset too, but it’s more like…not minding people’s opinions? Because obviously it’s a bit difficult to just throw all this away in one swoop. So (taking into account what I said before) if there’s some whispering or side-eyes thrown your way; treat it like the four of cups. Someone wants to say ‘oh the way you’re doing that is a little…’ cool give it the four of cups treatment. Again, this advice is a little grey if this is a case of attitude behavior and having to figure out how to interact with people, it’s a bit difficult, but Intentionally messing with people is a pretty clear line so. Strength is pretty clear; it’s just inner love and care for yourself. Trust that you’re not ‘broken’ or ‘wrong’. Now the rest of these I find to be interesting. Spark & Ambush speak more to inner child energy and being most honest about yourself. It’s like being loud and proud and embracing who you once were – which I hate saying once. It’s just finding yourself again and bringing that back out. Being comfortable with it again. Stage of Play is embracing…just that haha. It’s a lot of inner child messages, I think you would benefit from seeking out that type of healing or looking into those readings currently. I also find it cute that you got two air cards for the energy to bring in? Air is mental stimulation and sociability. If you have hobbies or interests you enjoy, talk about them. Enjoy them. Don’t hide things you enjoy. Air is about engagement in a sense, but I also find it cute that these two cards in particular speak to creativity but also an inner knowing of the self. Firefly speaks to little bursts of energy and insight, meanwhile crow is worldly knowledge. I’m really picking up on neurodivergency here but it’s a general reading so (but it Does start with an A). Honestly? Go watch some kid movies you used to love, play with some colored pencils, just enjoy yourself man. You deserve to.

Pile Four

Cards: VI of Pentacles Rx, The World, III of Cups Rx, Knight of Pentacles Rx, The Sun Rx, The Spider Rx, Backstabber (Ace of Cups Rx)

Okay this pile was a bit confusing so I had to pull one more card. I’m not getting many messages, which can sometimes be a sign of major blockage. The only few things I got were ‘not enough’ ‘want it all’ and ‘consumption’. I thought the six of pentacles was the four, so there’s also a feeling of self-preservation here. I can’t pinpoint it so the theme might connect but the specifics will differ for all of you. The things I can pick up on are: themes of depression, themes of friendships, or themes of self-worth. Regardless – motivation, ego, and self-worth pops up in all these stories. It’s like…someone feels like the cup they have has a hole in it and it’s leaking. They never have enough water so they’re always trying to fill it and no matter what they do they can never manage to do so. Trying to explain it to other people makes them seem like they don’t know what they’re doing or they’re just filling their cup wrong, so they just struggle to drink from their damaged cup. It could be depression. Since we have a card speaking to betrayal and then also the ace & three of cups reversed, this could be a specific relationship that has scarred you and causes you to struggle to reach out to other people (similar to pile one but this energy is different). It’s just…not enough is the only thing being repeated in my head and I’m not getting anything else and it feels very vacant, I’m not feeling anything else which is why I keep circling back to depression despite the cards here. I mean the three of cups can speak for a lack of interacting with…life so combined with the other cards there’s a definite possibility? So there might just be a mix of you here. We’re going to move on.

Advice

Cards: Queen of Pentacles, VI of Swords, The Trickster, Fall in Love with Your Own Story, Lighting Your Path, Cobra

This is a beautiful spread. There’s a small message that I’m going to get out of the way, which is to take care of yourself. I wouldn’t be surprised if that fell to the wayside. Get small things back into your routine like having healthy eating habits, even if they’re snacks. Going to bed at a good time, going on walks, complimenting yourself daily – things like that to make yourself feel better little by little. Pamper yourself essentially. Now the rest is much deeper. It wants you to have or embrace a rebirth of yourself. My personal suggestion, since I haven't been listening to music for this reading, is to listen to Icon for Hire. They talk about these themes, but there’s always the very long era of sitting within the old shell of yourself where it’s comfortable and being scared to break out of that and move on. Where you want to be happy or feel better but that step includes letting go of everything that you’re doing now. It brings you to the trickster (fool) which is new beginnings, and it means even more with this deck because it’s about Sun Wukong (which brings another level to everything because I wanted to use the other deck and I was just told a blunt no lmao). Anyway, you’re being encouraged to find the light within yourself. Find meaning to yourself by going within – which is much easier said than done I know. It’s beautiful that the Cobra mentions being similar to a spirit guide and talks about showing up when you’re ready to be a student of life again and then it will appear. Very similar to the fool that got pulled for your reading. Plus it’s a snake? Serious about shedding that old skin of yours (Snakeskin by Rina Sawayama? This is the only pile where songs are coming up, good for you). Last but not least, this falling in love with yourself card? Very serious. It can be difficult but there is only one you. No one is going to be able to replace that. Yes, people will be share your pain, resonate with your issues or give you advice because they’ve walked that path, but they will never shine like you can. You won’t be able to replace them either. That’s why we’re all here. Using myself, I went through the worst time of my life when I was officially diagnosed with my biggest medical issue along with everything else that I already was self-conscious about. I hated myself for a good minute before I realized that did quite nothing for me and a lot of people found it quite easy to hate on my too so why should I join them?  Look at everything you’ve done. It doesn’t have to be amazing. You’ve existed, you’ve helped others in your life whether you realize it or not, you’ve made an impact during your time here. Celebrate yourself. I hope the next time we see each other you can say that you’re beautiful because you guys are. (also? If you have a favorite piece of jewelry, you should wear that more)

[yandereaffections]

Javier Adolfo (YA’s Oc) Masterlist

The Man Himself

Character Description

S/o being bullied at work

Charming his Darling

Confident S/o

S/o who loves Skirts

Cute S/o who sucks at their Job

Avoiding him to make a gift

Home cooked meals for a Date

S/o who is pressured to do their best 24/7

Affectionate S/o

Exhausted Doctor S/o

S/o Binding her Chest cause of office harassment

S/o being black mailed for sex

House wife S/o

S/o who has Insomnia

S/o trying to fight a Racist

S/o confessing they want a big family

S/o who lives a double life

Spoiling Javier

Another yandere kidnapping S/o

Naga S/o that knows nothing of Human Culture

Not a morning person S/o

Sitting on Javiers lap

S/o who is apart of a huge Crime Organization

Nuclear Apocalypse

Naga Javier

Vampire S/o cautious of taking Javiers blood

S/o whose both cutesy and extreme

Filthy rich S/o

Jokingly calling Javier “Sugar Daddy”

Poor Underweight S/o refusing to bother for help

CEO Crush already married

Comforting Chubby S/o after being sexually Harassed TW

S/o who runs up to hug Javier everytime she sees him

Going to Disney

S/o getting hit on by their boss

“Have my babies”

Drunk S/o unknowingly confessing they love javier

Babysitting with S/o

Punk Rocker Darling

Making S/o wait for marriage as tease play

S/o constantly buying make up palettes

Hitman S/o warning for him not to go to work

S/o who cuddles him during work

Surprising javier with your intelligence

S/o Introducing ‘javey wavey’ to their friends

Trying to cook for his s/o

Accident prone s/o

S/o whose constantly wondering

COVID quarantine comfort

Cosplayer S/o

Homeless S/o asking him for cash

Figuring out S/o is pregnant

Yandere s/o

Making him cry HC

S/o whos only seen eating when they steal his meal

Shy S/o who loves affection

holding and playing with his S/os hair

S/os family fat shames them when they eat

Darling packs him lunch everyday

S/o whos easily scared

Stealing your clothes

S/o who slams their foot against the wall anytime it falls asleep

S/o who cant cook

Manipulation HC

S/o who refuses to go to stop smoking TW

Arguing HC

Incubus Javier w/ a s/o who looks down on themselves

Vampire Javier/ Halloween date

Vampire

Poltergeist

Decorating the office building for halloween

Bratty S/o

Halloween Date

Werewolf

S/o who cries during the emotional parts of movies

Motivating S/o to study

Javier Fluff

Top energy S/o 

Meeting Javiers Grandmother

Sub energy S/o

S/o who wants to travel alot

Comforting a stressed S/o

S/o who doesnt want kids

Depressed Darling

More Fluff

Seeing S/o without makeup for the first time

Darling playing with his hair

Taking stressed S/o away from their struggles

Sugar Daddy HC

Boba tea date

Diabetic S/o

Making him a Surprise Valentines homemade gifts

Finally meeting his online lover

S/o trying to treat their own stab wound

Javier vs Aiden

Coming over to S/os apartment for a dinner date

Autistic S/o who struggles to get a job

Finding out crush is dating his brother

Only dating him for money

S/o going on a vacation to gain Javiers attention

Foreign S/o having to suddenly return home

Darling having shit friends who use them for work

S/o whos terrified of horror movies and clings to him

Darling w/ Social anxiety 

Crybaby reader

How good he is with responsible adult stuff

Corrupt official male S/o

Darlings something like robin hood

Robin hood like S/o trying to steal from him

S/o who likes to cook for him

Darling has commitment issues

Very short S/o

S/o who age regresses 

Adoring darling when they Hyperfixate

Depressed S/o that has a hard time taking care of themselves

Author S/o

S/o who is constantly sewing

Leaning against him saying “love me” when Javiers busy

S/o has odd vocal tics

Comforting S/o w/ night terrors

S/o falls asleep on his lap during a meeting

Co-worker beating him to asking S/o out

s/o recently finding out they have adhd

Falling for the elder care worker taking care of his grandma

“It’s okay, I know you’re just not used to being cared for so much.”

S/O showing him matching outfits that they sewed themselves

Werecat S/o

Cuddlebug S/o

pressing their boobs against his back slightly 

Pegging Javier 

Chubby S/o sitting on his face 

S/o with a high sex drive 

squeezing him inbetween your thighs 

Cockwarm HC 

Kinky shit 

Praise Kink 

Catching him jerking to a picture of you 

Poltergeist cockwarming 

Mirror Kink & Sugar Daddy

Someone walking in on you / Public Sex w/ Dom male S/o 

Kinks Headcannons 

Foreplay Headcannons 

Male S/o railing Javier over his desk 

Sex Toys Javier loves the most 

Sucking him off underneath his office desk

[cevans-seb]

Bucky FWB’s Drabble

You fiddle with your porcelain china dish. It is a family heirloom that has been passed down for 7 generations and according to your grandmother, it’s used to bring great fortune to whoever possesses it. So, why are you currently in a heated argument with your friend with benefits, Bucky.

James is a walking red flag.

His obsessive nature drives you insane when he constantly calls you all hours of the day. You’re at work? He doesn’t fucking care! Your mom want to spend time with you? Oh, he hates that, but let you bring up Natasha one timee…. The man would combust.

“I told you I didn’t fuck Natasha. I was out drinking with a couple of friends and she happened to be there.” He wheezed, turning redder with each word. “ God, I don’t know why you are so adamant about this shit? We already knew this was just sex so why does it matter if I were to fuck someone else.” You were fuming at this. This was the same man who brutalized your coworker after he spotted you both getting coffee.

“So now it’s only sex? Well, how about I call up Steve since you know whatever the fuck we are doing is meaningless!” You carelessly let the dish clank against your bar, stepping closer to your brooding lover. “See how you like knowing that your worst enemy is fucking me into my masstress or better yet calling him daddy instead of you. Because he’s been texting for a while now and I think it’s time I entertain the thought.” You crossed your arms, letting your robe cover your cleavage.

“Or what about Logan? He wants us to start over and maybe we should become apparently nothing is florshing in this situation we have here! You are so fucking hypocritical ,Bucky. You say that it’s only sex but I can never go out without you knowing where I’m going or god forbid I’m out with another guy!” At this point tears streamed down your face and you could feel your cheeks heating up from frustration. “You treat me like a girlfriend when I’m only a fuck buddy that you keep around to keep your dick wet. God, I hate you so much.”

If he was angry before, you knew he was livid. His jaw clenched and his eyes held a blank look as they bored into yours. You almost thought he wasn’t breathing until his chest heaved rapidly. All too soon, Bucky had you pinned against the refrigerator with his metal hand wrapped around your waist.

“Now I don’t think I heard you correctly. Do you want to repeat what you just said ?” He antagonized you. “You were a big girl a second ago, what happened to her?” His eyes held a gleam that you never saw before but it’s gone before you could dissect it. “ And you hate me? Let’s see how much you hate me when I have you moaning my name, little fucking brat.”

_____

Don’t know if I should continue this.

[pesoglav]

After years of listening to this gender dick measuring contest/battle of the sexes or whatever you want to call it. I have one question to ask both sides, what in Gods green earth is wrong with you?

If you constantly vilify the other side even in front or in conversation with someone who you have a romantic interest in, they are going to be at the bare minimum a little bit weirded out.

When I was in 8th grade, I had a huge crush on a girl from my class, I started talking to her and all that jazz, took her on dates and confessed my feelings, she rejected me and a week later I hear she(14) is dating a 23yo dude.

By both sides logic I should have became someone who treats women like dirt, abusive and what not. Someone who continues the same cycle, yet I didn’t. Yeah sure I was down for a while and felt kind of shit, but the next year of school I got friendly with a girl from a different class from the same year as me and we became a couple until our first year of uni, where we broke up because we were separated due to different universities and because she cheated on me. Again by your logic I should have become a monster and what not, yet after that I continued on with life, yes I was hurt and sad, hell I even felt lost and that life had ended. I had a few other relationships after that, good, bad and in between.

God blessed if I ever have children I will pass the outcomes and conclusions of my experiences to them and teach them the importance of Trust and that Trust is a thing you give out on credit to the other person. I will hate to see a son or daughter of mine be like these groups of rotten minds. I personally never had that parental guidance due to my parents being absent doctors, just some advice from my grandfather and grandmother. I’ve even “lost” my friends group in university because I couldn’t tolerate their early formings of nonce behaviour and comments.

[arctic-hands]

Long ass post about being a sick and disabled child with pediatric imposter syndrome and inattentive and flat out ableist adults ahead. It got ahead of me but there's nothing I want to cut. No I'm not putting it under a read more. Look at my post, boy.

I wonder if my childhood fascination with wheelchairs was based in the chronic pain and exhaustion I was feeling even by the age of seven.

In second grade we had a "disability week" (tho I wouldn't be surprised if they had called it "differently abled" but I can't remember for certain) where we had disabled adults come to speak to our (allegedly) able-bodied class and the school as a whole. The ones i remember were just explaining the disability and a simplified ways to treat it and things like it's rude to stare and such. Not too too glurgy in that out of context...

...but the memories about it are def tainted by the fact that any kid who was sick or disabled was forced to give presentations on their medical conditions to "educate and de-stigmatize" the students.

This wasn't part of Differently Abled Week, we were just forced to present when we just got diagnosed or whenever the condition got noticed by anyone. The first one i saw was in first grade as a fifth grader gave all the individual classes a presentation on her diabetes. I was forced to give one in third grade after I came back from being dramatically rushed to the hospital after my heart started beating so fast and hard that you could see it thru my shirt, and after about a week out of school in another hospital in the bigger city two hours away because my hometown hospital wasn't equipped to treat pediatric cardiac problems. My third grade presentation on supraventricular tachycardia was well-received, and the school was sympathetic because all my classmates and teachers were like omg this angelic little child has a heart condition and everyone was scared that I might die 😢

... Next year's fourth grade presentation on I Shit Too Much Disease was less well-received, even as I tried to self-censor the inherently disgusting details. To add to that, my SVT had been corrected (for a few decades, it appears to be coming back after 2) by an ablation in late third grade, so the Scary Heart Explodey (not really) Disease had been tied up neatly and I was free to live as a Normal Child. But Crohn's disease was something else, something relatively new to the lexicon in the early millennium and I constantly had to explain my health to strangers as the unwilling IBD Ambassador of the town. This would be and still is life-long and particularly hard to treat (my Crohn's was once compared to brittle diabetes in the way it never did and still doesn't respond to treatment), and the sympathy of the ableds is fickle and short lasting. Even just a year after my Diagnosis, my teachers stopped caring WHY I was missing school and sleeping all the time and in the bathroom too long and only saw these as delinquent behaviors to be punished, and my classmates no longer had sympathy for the perceived special treatment I barely got and were convinced I was faking it all for attention

Anyway I'm digressing, but I did need to feel the need to give context to my school's attitude towards sick kids. Back to Disability/Differently Abled Week

...We were allowed to play with mobility aids. Yeeeah. To de-stigmatize of course, totes not to keep us occupied. At one point we played with wooden beads of different shapes to make "hearing aids" and microphones in the style of the day, and each class was allowed one wheelchair, two sets of crutches, and a few arm slings for kids to be assigned to use for half the day.

I had seen these before. There were only a few sick kids in my school and none in mobility aids, but 7 year olds do have some life experience in being in the outer world, and my hometown was a city and not insular, so I had been exposed to disabled people before. My grandmother's best friend was an old lady with a basic prosthetic foot and used a cane, and she was patient and i daresay a little proud to show it off when i was really little and we'd go to have tea/hot chocolate with her and i stared in fascination and asked innocently offensive questions. At seven I hadn't been diagnosed with SVT or Crohn's yet and my intense and agonizing leg pains had been dismissed by my pediatrician as a hysteric and melodramatic little girl's response to "growing pains" (I've stopped growing but still feel them, I'm just used to them enough after thirty years that I barely notice them unless my legs are touched). I knew about broken bones and as someone who still had potent memories of toddler ear infections that were bad enough to send me to the E.R, I had even taken a few rides in wheelchairs.

But being in a wheelchair constantly was a new experience for me, especially as this was a manual wheelchair that you pushed yourself with the big wheels in, not the hospital kind that nurses push for you. The thought of never having to use my legs was an intoxicating thought, and I had childhood delusions of being strong and muscley enough to be able to handle maneuvering it with my scarily emaciated noodle arms.

Aides were assigned by last name down the list, and the teacher just arbitrarily decided which one you'd get. My last name is fairly down the list, so I waited the better part of a week to get assigned, all the while eyeballing the wheelchair enviously as my classmates assigned to it got to play disabled in it. I wondered how to pop a wheelie in it (for the record, my immediate reaction to being given roller skates on my fourth birthday was to immediately try to do a trick jump off the porch and landed hard on my ass with miraculously intact bones and face). But mostly I was fascinated by the thought of never having to use my legs for an entire half a day. I kept my composure at school so not to be labeled a crybaby, but by the time I got home I sometimes couldn't even focus on Pokémon because my legs were too agonizing and I'd be crying. My parents were sympathetic enough to my leg pains that they bought me hot water bottles to sooth my knees and tried to get me to take my mind off it by meditating the pain away (I'm too bipolar to focus in meditation even then but everyone's reaction to my bipolar is another long ass post in the making). But they didn't care enough to advocate for me against my pediatrician, even as he ignored all my other dramatic symptoms that were beginning to become un-ignorable. It took until my heart emergency for any adult (ily Dr. Stein, my pediatric cardiologist who immediately realized I needed more help than just for SVT) to notice the misery I was in and get me the right help (ily Dr. Maizle, my first pediatric gastroenterologist and the only one who actually listened to me when i said some of the meds felt worse than the disease).

Anyway I was assigned crutches when my name was called and i nearly did finally snap and cry at school. Nearly. And the crutches (basic under armpit ones, not forearm crutches) sucked. They were painful in my armpits, they weren't adjusted to my height properly, and I fell a few times because I was trying to swing both my legs at the same time because BOTH my legs were in constant agony and I was trying to alleviate my body's pressure on them both. I had a miserable time "pretending" to be disabled, but I was the only one who complained about the crutches and so I went ignored, setting up the theme for my childhood.

This fascination with wheelchairs stuck with me and as I became a bigger kid and my body just piled on more illness and pain, but despite all that my legs were technically functional so I kept my yearning for a chair quiet for fear of being offensive (didn't know what appropriation meant back then but that was the feeling) and an actual attention seeker like my classmates accused me off. Sure, I was sick and constantly in pain, but at least I wasn't actually "stuck in a wheelchair". Could be worse. At least it's not cancer, after all.

It got to the point that by middle school i was having idle fantasies about being grievously and dramatically injured to the point I lose my aching leg(s) and thus was finally granted a wheelchair. In my darkest moments I wondered how much pain doing it myself would be in the moment, but the thing that snapped me out of crippling (I use that word deliberately) myself was that I genuinely love the feeling of sand beneath my feet and the way beach sand (I wouldn't see the ocean until my twenties, but the artifical lake we went to had sand) felt in between your toes and how my feet didn't ache so much as the hot sand conformed around them. I still kept this quiet because I knew it was crazy and was beginning to realize that I as a whole being was crazy, but I didn't want to be treated as crazy so I kept my fantasies secret.

I've lost the point I was trying to make as I ramble on about these physically painful memories but I'm going to end by saying lmfao I've been using a cane for my pain (to not great success tbh) and have been told I'll prolly need a wheelchair in the next few years. My trepidation about this is totally devoid of any "be careful what you wish for!" karma and everything to do with how infamously inaccessible the Atlantic Coast of the United States is for mobility access. The buildings are all old and pretty and no one wants to ruin the aesthetics of the rowhomes and the shops (except the liquor stores, make of that as you will) don't want to put in the money to add or replace the stairs getting up to the shops with ramps.

This is really dumb even before I started using aides, because EVERYONE can use a ramp while only SOME people can use stairs. And that's not even the end of it, if you manage to get into the shops the aisles are too small to get even a folding chair in between, and no one wants to put in the extra work to rearrange the store to cater to those seeking "special treatment". For years I thought the A.D.A had a grandfather clause that said historical buildings didn't have to adapt unless they renovate and that's why the older cities on the East Coast are the way they are. Nope, that clause doesn't exist. But no one is willing to enforce the A.D.A except SOMETIMES for federal buildings. Even some medical facilities are on stairs with no ramp. Baltimore IS in the middle of a years-long A.D.A lawsuit, but it's only for the absolutely abysmal sidewalks that prevent wheelchairs from going over them at all and makes it treacherous for canes and crutches. I see people in wheelchairs on the road more than I see them on sidewalks because it's the only way to get a wheelchair to move. Baltimore drivers are legitimately and legendarily terrifying. I wouldn't even want to ride a bike (were I still able) in the bike lanes, let alone wheel myself IN a major road. This is going to be a terrifying experience here, unless something very much changes and soon. But will the abled leaders care enough even if they're under lawsuit? I don't feel optimistic. But what choice do/will I have? It doesn't HAVE to be hard, but it WILL be because ableds don't care enough to make even the slightest change to make it easier for EVERYONE if it takes even the slightest bit of effort. See: their collective response to covid

[alveolaraspergillosis]

apologies for treating my personal blog like a public diary broadcast but

currently i’m applying for a visa extension for my grandmother. and im handling all the paperwork and everything from two provinces away , which is really inconvenient at best , and it’s taking time because im doing it between everything else in my life, AND there’s a possibility the application will get rejected (due to things my family neglected to do) . mind you this is one of my many Current Tasks as this whole family’s fucking remote personal assistant (why am i on top of my mother’s bills. and her appointments. like these are tasks she could automate on her phone).

and yet all i hear from my mom is shit like “your sister spends so much free time with your grandparents and she makes sure their time in canada is fun” and “you could never do the things your sister is doing” (in response to me asking her to ask my sister , who is physically in the same city as them, to help out with some of these things).

and like. the things i do are admittedly quite easy, if one were to do them for themselves (my own paperwork and appointments and bills are basically free-time relaxation tasks for me at this point). because they’re all the type of thing you can automate. they’re robot tasks. they’re also deeply important. this whole family constantly asks me to spend my time doing deeply important things for them, things that they could learn to use their devices for. but when it comes to thanking me suddenly these tasks are treated as like, trivial. look it’s so easy for you. you, robot girl, couldn’t possibly do the Important Human Things that your Human Sister with her Human Brain does. and yet it never occurs to any of them to like, use their computer or their phone to do any of this. in their mind /i’m/ the computer

[xylomilo]

Ninja Headcannons

Cole

Any pronouns

Demiromantic Bisexual with male lean

Afro-Latino with a little bit of French from great-grandfather

NU Goth

Collects records

Short butterfly locs

Booba 🤲🤲🤲

Will eat anything and everything if it doesn’t leave his mouth

PTSD from the fall in March of the Oni 🥰

After DotD, the others (and him) kept forgetting Cole isn’t a ghost anymore so they kept hitting him and he kept bumping into walls for a while

His mother would make cake from him when younger, thus why he loves it so much

Releases stress by training, baking cakes, or listening to music

Likes to study the meaning behind song lyrics

Jay

Demi-Boy

He/They

Bisexual

3/4 Korean 1/4 White (Libber was half white half Korean)

Portable charger that never runs out

“BRO HIS HEART STOPPED BEATING” Jay: “Let me try” ELECTROCUTES HIM

Southern accent that faded away over time

Scene kid in high school

Mythology nerd

Everyone bullies him for being part white

Rise of the Brave Tangled Dragons fan

Refuses to download Twitter bc his fans scare the shit out of him

Audhd(?) (Autistic ADHD)

Kai

Trans

He/Him

Pansexual

Half Filipino Half Argentinian

Used to sacrifice a lot of things just to see Nya happy (cough cough Kenny McCormick cough cough)

Switched names with Nya one day and got hit by the transgender-fication ray

Constantly refers to Nya as “sis” because she used to be the only thing he had

Only good at forging magical weapons (the opposite of Karlof lmao)

Allergic to seafood but didn’t know until he was talking to the others like “yk it’s weird how fish makes my lips tingle” and they went 😟😟

Used to have nightmares the day his parents disappeared

Has accidentally made so many fires out the most random things

Every sea creature hates him

Dragons adore him and Oni loathe him

Lloyd

Trans, non-binary

He/They

Achillean AroAce spectrum

Vitiligo

Japanese with a bit of Chinese from grandma

AUTISTIC ADHD HAVER 🫵🫵🫵🫵

Has never seen any pictures of his grandmother, only heard vague stories

Lots of animals like him. Like a lot. Bro is followed by anything and everything when he goes to the park.

Seasonal allergies (FUCKING LOSER (im projecting))

Collector of books he will never read, physical and digital

Old dreamsmp fan- the others still make fun of him for it to this day

Sleeps in the most uncomfortable positions and places but is somehow fine

Lloyd wishes he had stayed in contact with Brad.

Had matching bracelets with Brad, but Lloyd doesn’t remember where he put it

Lloyd sometimes stalks Brad’s social media pages to see what he’s been up to, but is too scared to actually follow him back. When they do though, they find out Brad blocked them on everything the day after.

Post season 16, Lloyd became a pet sitter for a while. Imagine their surprise when the door opened and he was face-to-face with Brad. Lloyd quit the next day.

Nya

Trans

She/Her

Bisexual

Half Filipino Half Argentinian

Really observant

Knows what Kai did for her when they were younger and she feels awful about it

Can manipulate water in people but it’s hard to do

Couldn’t remember what her parents looked or sounded like until Season 7

Used to steal a lot when she was younger to help her brother

Every sea creature likes her

Dragons are terrified of her

Wakes up in a cold sweat when her older middle-child senses start tingling (Red Green Blue Ghost by beloved 🙏🙏)

Her and Morro got intense beef like fist fighting type (middle child stuff)

“Babe why is your mom hot” “Nya istfsm”

Zane

He/They/It

Pansexual

Vitiligo

African-American

AUTISTIC 🫵🫵

Used to overheat a lot pre season 4 but his ice powers cancelled it out

“Oh this media is nice” proceeds to research it for the next twelve hours (me)

JAZZ LIKER, GET HIS ASS

Gets treated like a brand new iPhone by Acronix 😭😭

Doesn’t need to charge, being near Jay Is enough 😭😭

Kenny McCormick by how many times he has died

“Don’t worry guys, I can fix this problem” pulls out gun

Wakes up in cold sweat “MY STUPID BITCH SENSES ARE TINGLING”

Their heart is made of ice, literally (their power core is made of blue crystal and chronosteel, which is how the old EM gave Zane their powers)

PIXAL

She/They/It

Unlabeled

African

Collects everything and anything

“Aw, this is too expensive!” … “Wait I’m rich.”

Only wears turtlenecks and plaid pants/skirts

Small rivalry with Nya because everything PIXAL creates, Nya has created before

A little bit insane

Zane: Would you still love me if I was a worm?

PIXAL: You already are

“Woah, they’re laser focused!” and PIXAL is listening to celebrity drama videos

Likes watching people argue on Samurai X’s gender/pronouns (thinks its funny)

Acts like schlatt sometimes

Has a habit of speaking in a monotone voice and is genuinely surprised when people think it’s being rude

Brutally honest 😭😭 Kai will say “does this make my ass look fat?” and PIXAL will respond with “the opposite, actually.”

[esta-elavaris]

The very very very fun thing about my family is that the more reasonable you endeavour to be, the shittier treatment you get because they don’t need to “worry about keeping you happy” and they assume that just because you don’t start problems, you’ll be a doormat.

My cousin - who treats my grandparents like total shit and had to be asked, at 34 years old, if she was aware of how she spoke to people (because it’s THAT bad — and her answer was “yes” before she absolutely did not change) gets appeased up the fckn arse 24/7 and relatives live to kiss her arse.

I, meanwhile, just mildly disagreed with my grandmother instead of biting my tongue, and got absolutely fucking screamed at. She then had no idea what to do and acted like I was in the wrong when I shut down and reverted to single word answers after that.

I cannot be fucking arsed man. I’m so done.

I can’t handle being screamed at, thanks to ✨ my childhood ✨— I’ve dead ass been on the verge of tears ever since, not because I’m upset (I’m actually just really fckn angry) but because I’m so on edge now. I’m sick of making constant concessions for people who act like this, and constantly taking their feelings into account when they’ll do this to me and not give a single solitary fuck afterwards.

[majormeilani]

riding off the emotions of last night,

i did actually end up confronting my grandmother and my uncle about their shitty behavior and i got the absolutely most deranged response i've EVER heard from them and not a single thing they said to me felt like a genuine apology.

the first thing i said to my grandmother was expressing that i don't feel respected by her and how she always makes excuses for my uncle making shitty comments and being an asshole and i asked her 'why do you always stick up for him when he says shitty things about me or my siblings' and her first response to me was '... because he's my son.'

and i was like ......... WHAT?!!!??!!

and i exploded from anger at that statement and barked back at her 'but i am your granddaughter. do my feelings not matter???' and then she fussed at me for yelling like 'you don't have to yell..' and i was like NO bitch i do need to yell and this coaxed my coward ass whiny bitch of an uncle out of his room because i was 'yelling at his mommy' cry me a fucking river

and then my brother stepped in on my behalf and lit them both the fuck up and called my grandmother something insulting but true and said she's only cared about herself, which is true, and then shit escalated to the point where my uncle threatened to call the cops on my brother and then kept telling him to leave and apologize to our grandmother, because they're both kiss ass bitches to each other and enable their bullshit. and then things escalated further to the point where my uncle ended up trying to remove my brother physically from the house, essentially assaulting him. and after that my brother just ended up waiting out in the car.

and after all that my uncle starts preaching to me about how he's 'always cared about us and loved us with his whole heart' and starts talking about how he 'doesn't understand how things ended up like this with our relationship' and sheds some crocodile tears about how he's so heartbroken that we don't love him back and whatever, when he's the one who literally made my brother suicidal since he was 6 years old with how shitty things he'd always treated us. and he has the audacity to try and appeal to me by bringing up the fact that my parents had a divorce and it's what 'ruined everything we had as a family' when motherfucker it was you acting like a piece of shit that ruined things between us, constantly bullying us and putting us down and saying hurtful things that my grandmother just excused as 'teasing' motherfucker. dunking my brother's head underwater when he was like ten years old and you're a grown ass man isn't fucking teasing. i would strangle you with my bare hands if i could, motherfucker.

and then he repeatedly brings up how i we were his 'first little nieces and nephew' and gets all weepy and pathetic again expressing how it breaks his heart and blah blah blah as if WE are hurting HIM for being affected by his shitty behavior?????? and then he mentions his own hardships and how he's not the type to hold grudges he just lets things go and leaves the past behind him and blah blah blah like wowww so hard for you to say your shit behavior wasn't that bad and express how we're somehow bad people for 'holding grudges' like dude.

also him mentioning how we're his first nieces and nephews was something he tried to use as leverage to the fact that 'his relationship with his other nieces and nephews aren't as bad as ours with him' yet they didn't live with him constantly growing up? and be tormented by him day by day? they didn't live with them. they're also children too, who don't know better yet and i'm honestly hoping they realize the true colors of that side of the family when they do grow up because my heart breaks for them being caught up with this shit too. i still can't believe he blamed it all on the divorce tearing shit apart when he's the one who acted that way with us before it happened.

and my grandmother also tried appealing to me too, getting in my face, touching me, and trying to wipe my tears and nose, like i'm a fucking child. and she proceeds to infantilize me by constantly bringing up child me and how she was so excited i was her first granddaughter and how she cried and blah blah blah. she kept bringing up how i was when i was a child and trying to use that to show me that she's always loved me no matter what I thought of her and ect. and then she goes on to try and commend me for my accomplishments and when i step to kinda move away from her, she steps in my way, essentially making a barrier to keep me from leaving while she's speaking. and she asks me if there's a way we can fix things between us and it's like???? that's not for me to figure out. that's her and my uncle's responsibility. they're the one who ruined things, not me. they just kept trying to ask essentially for another chance but that was not going to happen and kept trying to guilt trip me essentially by claiming that it's my choice of what happens, but heavily implying that we should just let it go and give them another chance. but like, it's clear to me these people won't change and it's why they've meant nothing to me. they played no part into shaping the person i am today so what makes them think i'm going to forgive them? they're as good as dead to me.

and guess what? after all of this bullshit they both had the audacity to ask for a hug. like i want your disgusting bodies against mine. fuck. off.

[lhaewiel]

HHHHHHHH I have been back home for less than a week and I am already feeling the rage of a thousand suns!!!!

I really am trying to be nice to my grandmother and forgive and the rest, BUT I CANNOT DO THAT.

She pisses me off to no end.

She is a narcissistic egoistic control maniac piece of shit who just likes abusing people the same exact way she was abused.

It pisses me off that she is constantly mistreating my dad, telling him that he is useless and that he is less than actual shit, but whenever she has issues, or she needs to go somewhere my dad suddenly becomes useful.

It pisses me off that she treats me like an object, as if I could not do anything on my own, as if I need to be babied all the time. She treats me as if I was a toy that needs to stay right beside her 24/7.

It pisses me off that she's constantly like "you will have the money you need now when I die". As if she was a pharaoh who needs her belongings for the afterlife.

It pisses me off that she is constantly offending my husband because he is from a different region, therefore for her he is a "lazy, poor, criminal, and also a terrone". She is offending my dad too because he too is not from the same town/region.

I have so much anger and frustration.

I hope she passes away so I can finally be free of her abuse. I know it's not nice to say, but I am 34 years old and she has been like that all the time.

She has lead my own mother to abuse me and she has lead her to her grave.

She wants to appear as the martyr, but she is just a manipulative piece of garbage.

I can't.

I can't anymore.

I want to be back with my husband as far away as I can.

I want my dad to put her in like a hospice and be free.

I can't take it anymore.

I am so angry.

[sanders1665]

It was such an ordinary and unremarkable life back then,

"It's grim up north", they used to say on T.V, but I have cheerful memories,

roast beef or chicken on Sundays and fish and chips on Fridays,

we lived in terraced houses and the toilet was in the back yard next to the coal shed,

we had coal delivered once a week for our living room fires and milk delivered daily for our breakfasts and cups of tea,

Friday and Saturday nights we were allowed to stay up late, and our dad always made toast on a long fork by the living room fire, and mum would butter it for us,

we had old men who walked the streets with a horse and cart and shouted "rag bone" or "any old iron",

we played hopscotch and skipping in the street or hide and seek and football in the park,

one of my favorite things to do was simply kicking a tin can everywhere I went, I can still hear the clattering noises it made on those old cobblestoned streets,

follow the leader was another game we played, we jumped over fences and climbed walls, we ran down back alleys shouting and kicking rubbish bins, it was a kind of wholesome mischief and we got a little scared if some old codger shouted, "I'll tell your parents",

Ice cream vans would come round in the summer and we would beg our mother for a few pennies to buy one,

our grandmother used to stay with us for a couple of weeks every other month, and mum would tell us grandma and grandad are arguing again,

our grandparents lived in the same street and sometimes during school holidays, I would stay with them for the weekend, grandma liked me brushing her hair and grandpa taught me to read and write in cursive and tell the time, sometimes, they would buy me ice cream on the way to the cemetery, I always enjoyed walking in there with them, it took me years to realize they were visiting their parents and grandparents,

when the street lights came on, we knew it was time to go back home, I can still hear my father bellowing my name in the echoing streets if I was late,

there used to be marching brass bands from local churches on Sunday mornings and we always stopped what we were doing and watched them march by,

I was 10 years old when I had my first kiss. It was on a beach in Hastings, where king Harold lost his battle against William the Conqueror,

there seemed to be only three types of birds back then, pigeons, starlings and sparrows, there was pigeon flocks everywhere and it seemed their shit was on everything,

it always seemed to be raining and constant clouds of varying grey, and we dressed in layers, jackets, jumpers and t-shirts,

I had my fair share of boyhood fights with bloodied noses and black eyes and sobbing tears on my mother's shoulder,

when our dad came home from work, he always had treats for us, usually a big bag of mixed up toffees or fresh pastries from the Crusty Cob,

mum always wore slippers and if you misbehaved, well, she had an expert throwing arm with those slippers,

I remember that most of our clothes came from the second hand market or our dad had found them in the many empty houses around where we lived,

in my old home town, there was a zoo where I saw my first exotic animals, like lions, monkeys and elephants, next to it was a speedway track, which was also used for banger racing and greyhound races,

my primary school was at least a hundred years old and resembled a gothic cathedral, there was no carpeting and it's floorboards were constantly creaking and groaning,

my secondary school was run by Benedictine nuns and they were very strict in our education, I once had my knuckles smacked with a wooden ruler for daring to ask questions,

my first time away from home was on a week long school trip to Lytham St. Anne's on the west coast, I broke my left collar bone attempting to slide down a wet hill, and developed a crush on our English teacher who was Irish, because she took care of me,

two or three times a week we would clean ourselves in tin baths by the living room fire and hot water was boiled in pans on the gas stove,

all these memories are from around fifty years ago, but I can still fondly recall them like they were yesterday, and all too often we remember the bad times instead of the good, however mundane,

it was just a simple life back then and we were grateful for what we had, which wasn't much but it was enough,

I suppose with hindsight that we lived in poverty, but we didn't know it back then because everyone was the same.

[raccoongodapollo]

1. i do with my mom, i'm going to have to cut my father out of my life like badly matted fur.

2. my fiancé

3. many things. most often and strongly losing a friend who took her own life and not having the courage to reach out sooner.

4. very.

5. I'm engaged.

6. in my sleep or by that one gas that kills you painlessly

7. two corndogs and some vanilla flavoured milk.

8. never

9. near constantly

10. somewhere around a year ago, i think.

11. yes, my fiancé and i have strong, very platonic feelings for my two best friends <3 love you dorks only one might see this lmao

12. heha yea. used to regularly. think the longest i ever stayed up was like 60 or 70 something and i almost offed myself lmao

13. my father. and the fucking clown guy that goes around my fiancé's apartment complex with a horn. and my fiancé's bio parents (terrible awful abusers, grandmother adopted them.)

14. yes. my friends who i don't see as often as i'd like because it's summer. and eli, RIP.

15. he's not mine he's my mom's and therefore my brother. i love him very much and he's very mean unless you feed him treats lmao. his name is little bits.

16. my ears hurt and im tired and lonely and wishing my friends were here to talk to me and give me their attention lmao.

17. yes i think? Can't remember i've made out like everywhere except an airplane.

18. only in person, love them otherwise.

19. FUCK YES.

20. my fiancé's living room right before i left

21. sleep, apply for work, play Minecraft

22. ABSOLUTELY NOT NO NO NO NU UH I'D RATHER DIE THAT KID WOULD END UP SO FUCKED UP

23. yes and just on my earlobes, saving up for more though >:}

24. maaaaath. love that shit.

25. yes. said friend who took her own life, fly high.

26. mmm chicken wings and cuddles

27. yea, but he cheated on me sooo

28. by every. single. one. of my exes.

29. yes my fiancé gets very overwhelmed very easily and will burst into tears at even the slight inconvenience or bad thought but i support them the best i can. some people just cry easier and that's okay, i love them no matter how often or strongly they express their emotions <3

30. ear hurts for no reason and now my foot is super numb too lmao

31. yes <3

32. greeeeen and also blaaaaack

33. absolutely. took me forever to actually start really fully trusting my fiancé and im starting to fully trust my besties.

34. uh i had a stress dream about school that was weird and the rest have been nightmares so bad im genuinely afraid to sleep alone for fear of waking up and then hyperventilating myself back to sleep. /gen

35. my fiancé.

36. probably yea. i think so anyways.

37. forget because i have memory problems 😎

38. yea, probably. can't remember most of it though.

39. uuuuuuh like 12 i think. 12 or 13.

40. no not yet

51 - okay so what the fuck happened to the 40s they're gone but uh chicken wings. specifically mild boneless ones from pizza hut. basically just saucy chicken nuggets, and are god.

52. fuuuuck no life is a game of random chance and the fates like to fuck with me in a recognizable pattern (when im happy everything falls apart shortly after achieving this state :])

53. cry and eat mac an cheese while inviting one of my friends to a festival next year

54. NO. NO. CHEATING IS NEVER OKAY. CONSENSUAL OPEN RELATIONSHIPS AND POLYAMOURY AND ALL THAT IS NOT CHEATING BUT CHEATING IS NEVER OKAY. BEING IN A RELATIONSHIP OR SEXUALLY ACTIVE WITH SOMEONE OTHER THAN YOUR CHOSEN PARTNER WITHOUT CONTENT FROM SAID PARTNER IS CHEATING AND IT IS BAD.

55. no people consistently describe me as sweet. unless im grumpy or with family who i dislike. then i am Very mean unless i like you, then im just a bit grumbly lmao.

56. over 10 lost count after that lmao

57. yes <3

58. cooooooold

59. never experienced it cuz i live in earth's hellhole but probably

60. yes. obviously. lmao

61. it's comforting, not necessarily cute. creepy if you're not careful

62. food and sleep and weed (cbd and thc) and my fiancé and my friends and cuddles and head pats and raccoons and frogs and ducks and possums and-

63. yes i am traaaaans woo hoo

64. nope not if i was with them we're extremely physically intimate constantly

65. panic get confused and reject them. if they're my bestie then they sure as hell know im engaged

66. lmao they know im suicidal but not what my favourite colour is so

67. my friend who works at a place that im going to apply to cuz they're hiring

68. my fiancé

69. yes lmao but not in the conventional way

70. yes. my two best friends and my fiancé. probably also my mom but she would NOT consent to that. actually none of these people would but shhhh

70 horrible questions ... Fuck it

01: Do you have a good relationship with your parents? 02: Who did you last say “I love you” to? 03: Do you regret anything? 04: Are you insecure? 05: What is your relationship status? 06: How do you want to die? 07: What did you last eat? 08: Played any sports? 09: Do you bite your nails? 10: When was your last physical fight? 11: Do you like someone? 12: Have you ever stayed up 48 hours? 13: Do you hate anyone at the moment? 14: Do you miss someone? 15: Have any pets? 16: How exactly are you feeling at the moment? 17: Ever made out in the bathroom? 18: Are you scared of spiders? 19: Would you go back in time if you were given the chance? 20: Where was the last place you snogged someone? 21: What are your plans for this weekend? 22: Do you want to have kids? How many? 23: Do you have piercings? How many? 24: What is/are/were your best subject(s)? 25: Do you miss anyone from your past? 26: What are you craving right now? 27: Have you ever broken someone’s heart? 28: Have you ever been cheated on? 29: Have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry? 30: What’s irritating you right now? 31: Does somebody love you? 32: What is your favourite color? 33: Do you have trust issues? 34: Who/what was your last dream about? 35: Who was the last person you cried in front of? 36: Do you give out second chances too easily? 37: Is it easier to forgive or forget? 38: Is this year the best year of your life? 39: How old were you when you had your first kiss? 40: Have you ever walked outside completely naked? 51: Favourite food? 52: Do you believe everything happens for a reason? 53: What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night? 54: Is cheating ever okay? 55: Are you mean? 56: How many people have you fist fought? 57: Do you believe in true love? 58: Favourite weather? 59: Do you like the snow? 60: Do you wanna get married? 61: Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby? 62: What makes you happy? 63: Would you change your name? 64: Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed? 65: Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? 66: Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around? 67: Who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to? 68: Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with? 69: Do you believe in soulmates? 70: Is there anyone you would die for?

[plasmamembranes]

baking will literally never be anything I do for myself so I appreciate having others who are doing it for me for the first time in my life. like, I have so much gratitude for being treated this way and for being allowed to have my current lifestyle.

I love to cook because I don't need a recipe for anything basically. If some dish is mostly foreign to me I can usually glance over it then completely do my own thing from there once I have the gist of it. I like being able to improvise and do whatever the hell I want thanks to what feels like a lifetime of cooking for myself. Cooking has a lot of wiggle room (unless you're doing something extravagant), baking is like...if you don't follow the recipe perfectly then you will have wasted 4 hours of your life and end up with something fully inedible

Gf's mom and grandmother are constantly praising my improv skills for cooking and always saying they don't get how I just do what I do in the kitchen and how I'm always throwing shit together that they never would have thought of. It's almost like there's two different mindsets between a cooker and a baker lol but I also know it's due to how I was raised like my dad was like this too.

[miffyismyfriend]

I always saw Gabriel, my brother, as any other kid, his disability wasn't really something that fully registered to me, so when he'd do something he wasn't supposed to I'd always complain unlike the rest of my family who'd let it slide, and because of that my brother would always call me chata (annoying). We would argue a lot because he was constantly doing something that wasn't good for him like fucking eating chunks of butter and we would start arguing, with him insulting me and calling me annoying. It was always like that, my parents telling me to let things go but I wouldn't because despite his many limitations, Gabriel was fucking smart. He was too smart. How could I ignore his wrongdoings, like eating spoonfuls of sugar, if he is smart? Especially socially, he was smarter than me! Of course I'll treat him like any other person. He was my everything and I was only strict about things that would affect his well-being. When we were kids, our paternal grandmother who took care of us daily, she was too ignorant to understand his limitations so it was my role to protect him from her. She was brute, forceful, impatient and I'd get in the way to make her bother me and leave him alone. How could I not love him? He was given a bad start at life but he never gave up on making friends or doing the things he loved like riding his bike and running away to follow the trash truck. All the trash men from me city know my brother because of the phase he went through of running away from home, hopping on a trahs truck and helping the workers collect trash. How can you not love someone like that? His language skill was very limited but he always found a way to make others understand him. If you go to the fruit market, everyone knows my brother. The garbage men, when they see my mother walking on the street, always ask about Gabriel. All our lives revolved around him, to give him a life with quality. What are we going to do now? He was the light of every place he was in, always observant, occasionally gossiping. He loved to gossip and talk shit, how do you not love someone who tried to overcome his limitations in such a natural manner? My neighbors were crying last night, everyone was crying so deeply. Today, we will bury him, and I know it will be full of people because everyone knew Gabriel. He was a popular character. What do we do now? He was our center, our motivation. What do we do now without you, Biel? I don't think we will survive. It was too soon and so fast. I miss you so much Biel, I'm sorry for being annoying to you, I wasn't doing that to be mean I just loved you a lot and wanted to care for you.