#My friends on discord have already seen this

[arahir]

Real talk..do you have any real advice on how to make friends as an almost 30 year old woman…

three easy (coughcough) steps: 1) pick an activity 2) commit to the horror of being known 3) know when you're vibing and know when to pack it up.

pick an activity. mine are gardening, hiking, reading, writing, geology, and chickens, and i've made and kept friends through each of those. make your own list of things you want to do, and want to meet other people who do. you can do it in a structured setting, which i recommend. most cities have clubs, activities, and people who are trying to organize. my city has... regular volunteer clean ups along the river, organized hikes, a few very nice community colleges where you can take random classes, gardening events, silent book clubs, a discord for lonely 30 year olds, etc. likewise, you can meet people online through these activities. writing has got me a lot of great friends! having these activities is also important because it will let you keep the friends you start to make by giving you built in places to show up together.

commit to the horror of being known. i don't know how else to put this. it will be embarrassing. you will say stuff and you will go "why the fuck did i say that?" and they will say stuff and you'll think the same thing. this is, unfortunately, how it works. you have to be a fucking idiot at times, and it's fine, because no one wants to be friends with someone who takes themself too seriously. be embarrassingly into whatever you're into. and then when you meet someone you think could eventually be a friend, you have to put a feeler out there. my favorites are "hey have you been to X on Y? i really want to check it out." "have you seen X and do you want to see it?" "we should grab coffee!" it works a surprising amount of the time. all you really need to make a friend is one good conversation and one person throwing a line to another.

know when to pack it up. okay unfortunately, if you're doing this regularly, you're going to meet people who you do not actually want to be friends with. also unfortunate: it isn't dating, and you can't break up the same way. i met a girl who thought i was her reincarnated lover from the 1300s. i met a girl who tried to recruit me into a sex cult. i met a woman who tried to get me to join a lesbian farming commune. i met a guy who seemed cool and then tried to cheat on his girlfriend with me. we roll. and sometimes, we roll away from people, at extreme speed. guard your time and do not waste it on people you don't want to be friends with.

other points i'll add are: consistently follow up with people (even if that means adding them to a calendar), understand when you are the one not being vibed with and don't take it personally, don't lie to try and be what you think someone wants you to be, and practice. all of this takes practice. i was largely friendless for a lot of years because i didn't like talking to people, couldn't not try to be cool around them, and was a shitty person. you're already ahead on all three counts. and another word of encouragement: making one friend usually means making a half a dozen, because people will bring their own friends with them. i've certainly made a lot that way. it's really only a process you have to go through a few times before it starts coming faster and easier. good luck anon! <333

[thebroccolination]

Hi Key, your post is the second I've seen that hinted at Joss but without further explanation. He generally has a positive public perception and I only know him from 3WBF (which I liked), so I'm curious where this shift in perception is coming from recently.

Would you mind making a post or directing me to where I can learn more about his general...situation.

I apologize if this is intrusive since I know you don't like to engage in Fandom Drama and like to keep your space positive, but I don't have XTwitter and his Tumblr tag is usually quite dead.

Thank you in advance!

Why I Don't Fuck with Joss: An Extremely Academic Essay of Words and Screenshots

Hi Anon!

I normally would have DM'd you an answer to this, but since you sent the ask anonymously and you were very kind in how you asked, I didn't want to ignore you.

However, two things:

I do generally make it a policy to keep my negative personal thoughts about certain actors to private conversations or, y'know, Discord servers, just to keep it off public platforms where toxicity is already rampant. In this case, though, I think the situation is interesting enough to comment on. (Plus, y'know, I'm amazed he was even managing a comeback when he's been known to Be Like This for years.)

I didn't get a lot of primary sources for this post because quite frankly I don't like Joss and I don't want to look at his face any more than I already have. However, friends who've been following this more closely than I have were able to verify that there are sources out there for everything I'm going to mention. Just, y'know, don't use me or this post as a source. This isn't one of my Citations Included Posts, this is just a Why I Don't Fuck with This Guy Post.

So, for context, I made this post last month, and someone made a more explicitly worded reblog here that's honestly better if you're going in without any context.

Essentially, Joss has had a dodgy reputation for years, but I think because fan turnover is high in interfandom and he's never been in a BL series before, most interfans just know Joss as A Tall Man Who Likes Sportsball.

But when I got into Thai BL back in 2020, Joss was one of the first actors I heard of as ~Problematique~ so I looked into him, and what I learned made me go, "Ew," so I just keenly ignored him from then on. (General gross stuff like the Domundi boob-grabbing prank and some assorted Dudebro comments about women. I don't remember specifics anymore because he was barely on my radar, but a friend at the time who'd been in fandom longer basically told me, "Yeah, that's Joss, lol.")

Interestingly, before JossGawin became a thing, most interfans were rooting for JossLuke, but I think given how vocally left-leaning Luke has proven to be, I wouldn't be surprised if Luke saw the prospect of tying his public reputation to Joss and went, "lol no goddamn thank you."

Gawin, on the other hand, seems to be down for whatever GMMTV wants him to do, so he probably just sees Joss as a colleague he makes out with (acting is a weird job). He went to high school in western Pennsylvania, he has white relatives on his dad's side, and he hangs out with the Gym Dudes of GMMTV, so I'm sure he's completely desensitized and is one of those guys who thinks, "Nah," but doesn't go so far as to say, "Not cool, dude." The Gawin Caskey Method seems to be: throw a basketball, make out with a dude on camera, go home and eat an edible. Dismount.

Unfortunately, even though Gawin's never really made any political statements or taken any major stand for the queer community, he's gained goodwill that some people are now calling into question because of Joss.

Anyway, apparently Joss used to follow Andrew Tate on Twitter until Tate was suspended, so it seems a lot of people assumed Joss unfollowed Tate, but yeah, between the sexist comments, Boobgate, and admiring Joe Rogan, that was enough for me to physically recoil from the screen when I saw the teaser for MGB.

Okay NOW, everything from this point onward is new stuff I've learned over the past month that made me go, "Oh. So he's worse now."

Joss has apparently had that Joe Rogan quote pinned to his Twitter account since 2020, but people just shrugged it off because they like his man stomach or something? (I don't find him attractive, but even if I did, I truly don't understand how he made it this far. It feels like he's been pretty firmly canceled every year since I got here, honestly.)

I also didn't like him weight-shaming Gawin. There's some older clip of him calling Gawin fat, and I know in Asia it's more common to comment on other people's bodies and weight, but I also recently found out that he got Gawin a meat cake for his birthday because idk actual cake is for pussies? (Sorry, Anon, I was trying to aim for an objective tone but I abandoned it because I reeeally don't like this man.) And apparently a lot of JG fanservice is just Joss and Gawin at the gym so Joss can teach Gawin self-control or something? I've had their tag blocked from the beginning, so you'll have to look into that if you're curious.

Ah, and at some point in the last few months, Joss was apparently asked what his "type" is and he said something like "white, skinny English-speaking Europeans/Americans"(?) Which apparently made Asian women go, "Hey, c'mere real quick: good. Bye."

I also thought it was a huge red flag that Joss has been in the industry for years, and his domestic fanbase is still quite small. Others have pointed out that very few fan interactions with him are in Thai, and he's clearly courting a western audience both in his individual engagement and by partnering with a mixed American actor. When he did the LGBTQ+ panel last summer, apparently the reaction from Thai commenters was, "lmao why Joss?" not, "Oh yes, of course, Joss!"

So it seems like GMMTV has been trying to do a rebrand for Joss using Gawin and interfans more generally since Joss speaks English and interfans don't generally seek out the resources to do research. Remember last year when GMMTV announced that Y-MIND script competition? It was originally domestic only, but after Thai fans overwhelmingly went, "The contract terms here are wildly exploitative, so fuck off," GMMTV rereleased the promotional material in English and went, "HEY INTERFANS WANNA SEND US STUFF :D?"

That told me they really don't think especially highly of us.

On December 15th, someone pointed out that Joss didn't just follow Trump on Twitter, he also followed a ton of extreme alt-right accounts on Instagram. Not normal political figures, either. Obscure figures like Pearl, Candace Owens, that guy who was saying Your Body My Choice, and Andrew Tate's right-hand man, and more! Some of his fans tried to point out that he follows progressive Thai politicians, but as far as the American side, he only followed alt-right conservative accounts with zero liberal accounts.

Though, in fairness, someone did point out that Joss also follows famous progressive Democratic figures [checks notes] comedian Chris Rock and basketball player Stephen Curry.

So. Whoohoo for that, amirite?

Since Joss's fans weren't having much success defending him on their own, they threw some @'s at his account to get him to make some kind of statement that would somehow explain away why he was following a deep, deep alt-right fanatic like Pearl. (Spoiler: He didn't.)

The JossGawin International fan club even released the above statement to address the issue, then received such alarmingly vitriolic backlash from the JossGawin fandom for "betraying" Joss that the fanclub decided to deactivate entirely. (I have no idea if they reactivated or not, since I stopped keeping up with this whole debacle shortly afterward.)

One Thai(?) JossGawin fan actually seems to have used ChatGPT to create an English comment to chastise the fanclub for their lack of support in Joss's dire times:

Amusingly, rather than address his fans' concerns or unfollow any of the accounts causing the chaos, Joss instead just started deleting any comment on his Instagram that called on him to comment.

Five days later, he unfollowed 137 accounts. No idea how many of those were alt-right extremists and how many were just extra padding to make it look like a general cleanse, but it was at least fifty last I heard, and the fact that 1) it took him nearly a week to do anything but delete the comments calling him out, and 2) his first tweet after this whole mess was a quote-retweet of GMMTV's message welcoming Barcode into the company saying, "lol this kid looks like if me and Gawin had a baby" just goes to show how unthreatened he feels.

After all, Joss has been this way for years, and his upcoming series with Gawin is probably going to do numbers regardless. He's successfully rebuilt his stagnant career off the support of interfans, and he knows he'll be fine.

Even Foei has a show with Tay! We're all good here. \:D/

So yeah! That's why I don't fuck with Joss. \:D/

This'll be the last I say on Joss publicly.

I just figured I'd make one all-encompassing post so I can link back to this in case anyone asks why I'm not supporting any of Gawin's projects with Joss. It's a shame because I do really like Gawin, but this isn't even a hard choice for me to make.

Oh, and while we're on the subject: the director of MGB, Ark, is also Not a Good Dude by all accounts I've heard from multiple people who've interacted with him privately. I mean, he sure is queer, but he's also said to be a misogynist with some white-people-worshipping tendencies. He doesn't have the highest opinion of BL fandom in general, either, especially when you look back on his whole direction of IT'S NOT A BL Shadow. Just, y'know, another reminder that queer people aren't Virtuous or Evil by nature. We're a big ole clusterfuck of nuance, so you don't have to support MGB for Ark just because he's a queer man. I have zero proof that I can share publicly, so you don't have to take my word for it. Just, y'know, in case you were on the fence, I've heard he's a dick.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go write absolutely filthy gay porn to purify myself from writing Joss's name so many times.

[thesevro]

[nanami kento] your stranger

VILLAIN NANAMI KENTO/MALE READER SMUT CW: Explicit scenes of sex, overstimulation

I'm imagining a villain Nanami here. I remember I started writing this in June, ngl I have not seen much of JJK since very early last year so Nanami is not like himself here MWAHAHa Backshots from an angry, tired, drunk salaryman below my bro

PREVIEW: “Unless you’d like me to feed you first,” he mutters, looking back at you as he slots the key into the lock.

You stare back at him, not quite appalled by the request, but by his gall. 

“Your boyfriend just bro” —he slurs through the word— “-ooke up with you, hm? I could take your mind off that. And feed you, if you like.” He licks his lips. “Sir.”

—

The train is, as per usual, seating several of the typical unfortunate salarymen held back until mind-bendingly late by their bosses. They’re all luckier than you. You’d been out dancing and grinding on stranger after stranger in every club in Tokyo, crying on your friends’ shoulders after reading the pathetic break-up text you got earlier that afternoon. Your head falls into the crook of your elbow. The pain is a sorry thing. Toji was good comfort for your body, that was all it ever was. But remembering him has you swaying on your feet as you grip the handhold above you.

At 00:30, with half-drunk tears pricking your eyes, one of these drunk men finally bumps into you. He’s handsome enough to make you less annoyed; just another stranger to move your body with. Politely. 

Your hands find his hips to right his balance. “Careful, sir.”

His balance remains unruly. Discordant enough with the rest of his body to have him falling back into you as the train speeds over a particularly bumpy track. You grunt, accommodating his weight with your hands even more firmly wrapped around his hips.

“Sir,” you say, “I’m going to have to move you, is that alright?”

He mumbles something and nothing. You frown, meeting his gaze to gauge his reaction further. Fuck it all if you’re embarrassed, having to manhandle a heavy, handsome blonde into a seat on the train. His eyes have that pit in your stomach dropping with greater weight. His gaze is sharp, perhaps not lucid but entirely alert. Whatever you’re doing, however you’re helping him, he’s the one letting you do it.

You give him a smile. He doesn’t match your ignominy, or your discretion. His feet stumble one over the other as you guide him into a chair with your body supporting him from his armpit, your arm around his wide shoulders. The man is big.

Against your better judgment, you decide to take the seat next to him.

“You, uh… think you’ll be able to get home alright?”

“Mmm.” Your ears savor that small sound. His voice is deep. Smooth as velvet. “Don’t… about me.”

His head thumps into the back of the seat. Huh, respect. From that vigilance in his eyes alone you know he’ll be fine on his own. Could probably rip someone to pieces in the dark with his bare hands, drunk or not. His fingers are thick, his hands popping with veins. 

His Adam’s apple bobs as his voice fills your ears. Ah. You’re watching him a little too closely. “H-help me home. Think your grip h-hurt my hips.”

You nearly jump away from him in sheer humiliation. “Oh, I’m so sorry. You were a little heavy. I had to—”

“Just help me home,” he repeats, slurring through his words. Every time he speaks, you have to lean in, face moving so close to his you can feel his breath with every word. Man must be a mumbler at work. His state of utter inebriation rips through every quality of communication he might already not possess. “Sure you’re strong enough for it.”

You follow him off the train, watching him from a distance until you reach the stairs. You shake off the embarrassment and hold an arm out to him. He lets you wrap your arm around his shoulders, holding him steady as his feet stumble down the stairs. You laugh a bit when you nearly trip with him. 

“What. Are you laughing. At?” he snaps.

“This whole setup is worse,” you say honestly. “It’s like you’ve given the both of us six feet each.” 

“I jus’” —he hiccups, and for the first time you find him cute instead of handsome— “Worked an eighteen-hour shift. Please help me out.”

“Yes, sir. I’ve got you, don’t worry.” 

“There’s my house,” he says as you tap his card then yours to exit the station. He points a shaky finger to a cozy apartment sitting next to a bakery, right outside the station. The store is still open.

You make an involuntary noise in your throat, your stomach responding to the sight of sticky pastries lined up in perfect rows. You drag him towards his apartment with quicker steps. Such delightful motivation. You’d move in with him if you could, just for this bakery.

“P-please slow down,” he asks, his first time bearing some sense of discretion towards you. 

“I’m sorry. Of course.” 

You heave him up further to support his weight with more of your body. He leans on you, unabashed as his unsteady steps take you towards his home. Under his suit, his apparent musculature bulges to fit right into your hands. 

His hands fumble for the keys once you reach the front steps. He reaches a hand out to the wall, yet you remain by his side, your hand gently clutching his waist, keeping him steady as he sways from side to side.

“This is the first time someone else has been around my house in quite some time,” he says, coherent in his melancholy. Ah, the mood swings of a drunk. 

“If you’re up to it, sir, we could share pastries at the bakery next door. It’s still open.” 

“No,” he replies, absently. “I want to fuck you.” 

Ah. Was he just reading your mind?

“Sir?”

“Unless you’d like me to feed you first,” he mutters, looking back at you as he slots the key into the lock.

You stare back at him, not quite appalled by the request, but by his gall. 

“Your boyfriend just bro” —he slurs through the word— “-ooke up with you, hm? I could take your mind off that. And feed you, if you like.” He licks his lips. “Sir.”

“You know what.” You shake off the embarrassment, again. Thrice, this man has had you embarrassed. “What size are you?”

“XL in Trojan.” 

Huh. That’s exactly what you have in your bag. 

“If you have a bed, I won’t even need any bread.”

“We’re fucking, then?”

He unlocks the door. 

“Definitely.”

—

“Relax.” His hand settles onto the middle of your back, gently guiding you onto your hands with your ass up in the air. His other hand rims your hole, casually skilled in its motions as he dips his hand palm-down and curls it to press into your prostate. You’re already loose for him, prepped by his strong fingers. Hole slick with lube. 

“You can think about him like this, yes?” he chuckles. “I’ll be thinking about you, though.”

“I’m letting you go bareback,” you stammer slightly as his fingers press into you in a wonderful arch, “Whose cock d-do you think I’ll be thinking about?”

“If it hurts, tell me. I’ll take it s-slow with you.” The skill this man has, even when drunk, makes you wonder how he might have you if he were clear-headed and sober. Your cock is already leaking onto his bed sheets.

The head of his cock taps into your hole. Inch by inch, he slips into you. The muscles in your ass stretch around him. His cock, slick with lube, comes halfway in. At the sheer stretch, your face twists. You turn away from him.

“Too much?” he asks. “Come on. Let me help you adjust so I can fuck you into my bed already.”

Fuck. Why’s he turning so mean? You’re clenching up a little over it. 

“No,” you order. “Keep going.”

You can feel him frown from behind you, but he continues. His hips draw closer to yours. His hands grip you hard. Your body nearly gives out when his cock, so much fucking thicker than any you’ve ever taken, finally brushes upward into your prostate. 

“Ngh,” you moan softly, mouth dropping open. 

“Mm, no need to be embarrassed. I’ll ha-ave you worse in a bit.”

“Stop talking like that,” you mutter, arching your back and jutting your pretty ass out. “Just give it to me.” 

You shift your weight to your knees, sliding his cock further between your cheeks until he’s inside you up to the base and you can feel the strong lines of his stomach on your ass. He grunts, throwing his head back as your hole swallows him up.

With your ass to his hips, he laughs, a drunken chuckle breaking the air. “Needy big boy.” He grinds his hips into the plush fat of your ass cheeks. The muscles in his stomach rub against you. “Your bo-oooyfriend too small for it?”

You fumble for a reply with him tucked deep inside you. You find nothing coherent. Honesty becomes your next best virtue: “Just fuck me!”

“Bratty.”

But he does fuck you. Your hole clenches around him as he pulls out, your body knowing better than you how badly you need him to fuck into you. 

“Spread your legs,” he mutters, grabbing the inside of your thigh, just above your knee, to wrap it around his waist. “I’ll fuck you good. You keep showin’ that you don’t want me to nice about this.”

You lose all sense of balance. His hips drive into you harder, but he keeps your leg in the air, wrapped firmly around his waist. At his mercy, you tip forward, ass far up enough it allows him room to thrust almost vertically into your hole.

“Keep. Your back. Arched,” he demands, his free hand settling on the small of your back. Again, he molds your body to follow his command. That’s all it takes for your mouth to open. You moan, shameless in the pleasure this drunk, nameless man is giving you. In his strong sense of control. In knowing that you can simply lie there and take it—let yourself be a sweet, tight hole for such a big man. 

“Yeah,” he says, voice ripe with pure satisfaction. “Good boy.”

“Fuck!” you cry when the blonde angles his hips to pile-drive right into the sensitive muscle of your prostate. Each press into that sensitive muscle sends strong jolts of pleasure straight from his cock, into your ass and up every one of your nerves. “Fuck, please!”

“You’re tight,” he mutters, and you try to wrap your head around the drunken garble of his words but he’s really only talking to himself,  “And I’m not sober. Don’t think I’ll last long…”

His thrusts slow, gradually, to a sensual grind. Like the thrusts of a long-time lover. You give a moan at the slow, intentional drag along your prostate, of his bare cock, veins and hardness and all, sliding rawly inside you.

He continues this pace. You spare a glance at the beautiful drunk man taking you from behind. He shivers with every push of his hips, closed eyes fluttering whenever your hole gives a good clench. His mouth has fallen open. You smell the booze on his breath. The cologne sprayed into his forearms. 

What a delicious man.

“Can’t take it, huh?” you tease, nearly drunk yourself, on his cock. “I’m too tight for you?”

He looks up at you from under blonde lashes, eyes hazy from liquor. “Do you want me to fuck a baby into you?”

You blink at the question. “Huh?”

“I—” he hiccups. “I can’t keep up that pace for long. It’ll make both of us cum quick.”

You have never had this kind of conversation during sex. Not with Suguru. Not even with men like Toji. “You mean, like earlier?”

He gives a long, pleasured sigh as he continues his measured thrusts, his head falling back once more. So easily distracted just because you’re better than anything he’s ever had. You know that for a fact. “Mmmhmmm… just like earlier.” One of his hands falls from your hip. His face relaxes into the picture of bliss.

Your own eyes flutter as his cockhead catches your prostate. You turn away from him, giving a soft gasp with your face in the pillow. His cock is so good. 

You feel the bed shift, creaking. His hands slide up your body, up past your peaked nipples and bulging pecs until he can slot a hand under your jaw to tilt your head up so that your moans erupt into open air. 

“I don’t want you to keep quiet for me,” he murmurs, his chest to your back, his mouth on your ear. You tense, and without even a single one of his fingers on you your cock gives a harsh, aching throb into the sheets.

“I—” your words break off with a loud moan as his hand wraps around your throat in full. You can feel his drunken smile on your ear. “I want that baby.”

“Don’ worry,” he chuckles. “I’ll give it to you.” 

You know he means it. And you brace yourself, hands back on the bed as his body straightens. You watch him, peering behind you from under the sweat on your brow. He pours lube into his hand. Sets the bottle on the nightstand. He smiles as he meets your eyes. 

“Back arched, pretty boy.” 

You thrust your ass into the air, back straight as a rod for him. Your eyes find the pillow once more. Minimalist embroidery lines the silk. 

His thrusts resume, and the pillow moves in your vision. You chew on your bottom lip as his thrusts overwhelm every other sensation, as his scent and the growing musk of sex shoots up your nostrils. His wet hand slips between your body and the sheets. 

His hand finds your cock. You shiver at the feel. He strokes you in slow, squeezing strokes, all in time with every press of his hips into yours.

You shudder against him, pressed tight between the sheets and his musculature on your back. “Mmnnn…” His fingers roam the head of your cock, pressing into the slit with skill. Rubbing precum all over your tip. Your balls have never felt so full.

“Call me Kento, hm?” he says. 

“Ahn… I’m (Name).” 

“Handsome name.” His pace quickens. Edged with desperation. Oh, fuck. He’s starting to throb inside you. 

His grunts break off into loud moans of your name. The pace of his hand grows. His fingers twist around your tip in mind-numbing, impossibly nimble strokes.

“Sir, Kento—please slow… down… oh!”

His hand is so fucking slick on your cock. Like creamy butter wrapping around your length. You cry out and buck wildly against him, your hips pushing him away while he pushes merciless, borderline violent thrusts into your prostate.

“Please oh god please please I can’t—I can’t—” you whine, begging for him to stop because you’re going to cum all over his sheets in under a minute since he’s started fucking you like he means it. 

He tames your hips, pushing a strong hand into the small of your back. Your spine stays arched. God he’s taking such good care of you, ensuring the perfect arch in your back so that his thrusts don’t push into a limp spine and end up injuring you.

Your body still struggles against him, the onset of an orgasm approaching too fast. “Kento, please....”

His cock gives a violent throb inside you. If you could see his face, you would see the deep furrow between his brows, the way your words have him gritting his teeth.

“You can,” he tells you. “You will. You are. I’m going to make you cum while I put my baby inside you.” 

His body envelops yours. Kento hunches over you. His thrusts lose their rhythm, and can you really blame him when he’s drunk and fucking into someone as good as you? The heat of his labored, hard breathing falls over your ear. You know he’s having a hard time trying to hold back, trying to get you there at the same time as him. 

But his thrusts only get harder. Impossibly. More brutal, more desperate than you thought possible. You fall face-first into the pillow, his own face pressed into the back of your head, buried in your hair. Through the haze of your fast-approaching orgasm you feel him murmur praise and thanks into your hair. 

“Feel so good,” he says. “(Name), you feel so good.” 

His mouth finds the back of your ear. He moans those same sweet nothings. Praising you, a good samaritan of a stranger, not for helping him home or offering to share a snack earlier, but for finally keeping your back arched for him, for being a good hole for him, for spreading your legs for him.

He tugs at your hair to remove your face from the pillow, and you know he might be a little bit angry to see you hiding your pleasure from him. With a hand on your head, fingers locked into your hair, he uses you as leverage to pound into your ass, his face still pressed up against you. You feel the weight of him closing over you. He engulfs every other sense.

You gasp in oxygen. Whining and press your ass back into his hips, begging with your body for him to get you to cum all over his sheets.

He moans from behind you. You feel his cock pulsate. Your own throbs as he squeezes it in his hand.

“Told you—” he grunts. “I don’t last long at this pace.” 

You moan with him as his cock shoots cum up your hole. You savor his sounds, cupping the back of his neck with a hand to bring him close to you, upon the crook of your neck. He shudders with his orgasm, collapsing on top of you and forcing your kness to give, your cock squished between your body and the sheets. He presses even deeper inside in this position. You feel his back arch to push in until you know every centimeter of him is throbbing inside you, working to plug you full of his cum. His hand cups your face, lovingly. His other grips your hip to bring you closer to him, so that you are hip to ass, no space in between.

“Fuck, you didn’t cum,” he mutters, even as he’s still piping you full of his cream. He pulls out and you don’t even see how he moves, the world simply spins, and then you’re on your back and for a moment his cum shoots onto your stomach, the tip of his cock twitching with his orgasm, before he’s filling you again. 

His hand finds your cock. But by then he’s already close to finishing, his eyes fluttering with the rest of his orgasm. His breathing comes out as labored moans as his cock erupts with cum inside you. Through the intense orgasm, he still manages to prop your legs over his shoulders in a swift movement and resume his thrusts at only a fraction behind the breakneck pace from earlier.

He slams into your prostate, already finished and ascending into the pain of overstimulation. You see it on his face. He squeezes at your cock and borderline abuses the sensitive, quavering tip. 

“Cum for me?” he asks with a grunt.

Your cock throbs as you cum all over his abs. Given the pace your moans are loud, desperate, the squelches of his hand squeezing your cock and your own hole wrapping tight around him a wild cacophony that emerges as a pleasant symphony to his ears.

He chuckles. “There we go.” 

When you finish, dazed eyes focused on a blurry point on the ceiling, he presses a kiss to the corner of your mouth. “Good boy.” 

Water splashes in the next room as your stranger runs a bath. When he pulled out, giving you another kiss, this time on your jawline, he had immediately rushed to the bathroom to grab you a clean towel. You’d never been pumped so full of someone else’s cum before. Even he seemed surprised.

The man, Kento, you remember moaning, approaches the bed. “May I?” 

You spread your legs. You don’t have it in you in the present moment to be independent or shy. He was the one who made the mess inside you, after all. 

He wipes the cum dribbling out your hole gently. His hand settles gently on your knee as he works. Then he flips the towel to its cleaner side to wipe your cum from your stomach. Seems like he’s cleaned your cum off of his abdomen.

He stares at your stomach for a moment, eyes fluttering in thought. Before he can wipe the fluids away, you scoop up a good amount with your fingers. You rise into a sitting position. Face moving close to his. He opens his mouth as you give him a taste of your cum with your fingers. 

You laugh deeply. “Ha. Good boy.” 

[sizhens]

i don't really want to do this but she's turning this into something i seemingly Have To Address despite my best efforts to just let this go and move on from it. like at this point it is an explicit campaign to get me and my wife thrown out of our internet spaces and she keeps bringing it up by lying blatantly about it.

Connie “tezuka-rin” is explicitly and specifically lying about me and my wife. we had a conflict over the internet last month and, from my perspective, it was very brief, but evidently was founded on years of resentment and anger she held against my wife. Until these past few months I had never even known who Connie even was, genuinely. I hadn’t even seen her on my dash or anything, I straightforwardly had never heard of her.

I would like to briefly go over the sequence of events based on my understanding because I feel like it’s only fair to everyone involved that I at least disclose my perspective on what happened. Beyond anything else I also feel like I have a right and at this point, for my wife’s sake, an obligation to defend myself.

TL:DR version is that Connie is trying to portray this conflict as a transmisogynist conflict wherein two people are trying to “cancel” a trans woman, despite no such effort being made whatsoever, and the two other people involved being themselves both transgender women.

***

In 2019 (I think?) my wife was in a discord server of predominantly asian ML transgender women. My wife, Hannah, met Connie in internet spaces associated with their shared similar interests. In the midst of this, Hannah saw Connie to be a fellow lonely autistic transgender woman and thought that she could do a kind thing and reach out to her and invite her to this discord server. Unfortunately this was a disaster, as many who know Connie will know that she is prone to explosive bouts of anger wherein she says extremely inflammatory things. In this instance, Connie came into the server and made a snide remark about how the PRC should just “nuke Hong Kong and Taiwan already.” This was notably very upsetting for numerous members of the server who were Chinese, in particular a member whose family was from Hong Kong, who at the time was very close to Hannah.

Hannah and Connie discussed this in private in the midst of which Connie explosively lashed out at Hannah and another one of her friends. Connie would then go on to demand that she be defended for her actions against the criticisms of their mutual friends. Hannah expressed her frustration and disappointment and had herself decided to withdraw from Connie socially because of the honest fact that Connie was an unpleasant and hurtful person to her personally. I think that genuinely few can begrudge someone for the desire to no longer be friends with someone and I think that this itself does not constitute a crime, let alone an attempted “social murder.”

Fast forward a brief period of time, and a trans masculine person (I believe from the same server?) apparently wrote a callout of Connie. I say apparently because this was five years ago and both Hannah and I have never seen this callout, which is relevant. I don’t even disbelieve it happened. I think that it’s certainly possible that a trans masc wrote an extremely bad-faith callout of her in an attempt to do transmisogynist violence to her. The most relevant thing here is that Hannah and I have never seen this callout. Hannah sees that a number of her friends on Twitter are discussing how Connie was racist (separately) and Hannah makes a single post about the situation (which she is sometimes prone to doing. Hannah is frequently quite careful and scant with her words, unlike me.) Hannah literally only said “I no longer associate with Connie” which was both objectively true, notably, and a profoundly neutral way of attempting to sidestep any potential conflict with any of these people.

***

Between September(ish?) of 2024 and December of 2024, Connie had been making a significant number of posts about me (at the time Tumblr User Maowives) wherein she was, in brief, expressing her frustration that members of our shared internet spaces would still deign to associate with me despite Connie expressing her outrage at my presence in these spaces. Her issue (evidently, in a summary of her words) derived from the fact that she thought I had “gained popularity on the back of being an anti-callout poster, despite knowing What [My] Wife Did In 2019.” This is untrue for a number of reasons. 1) I did no such thing specifically because I do not comment that much on this kind of issue, candidly. I think that frequently transgender women have unpersoning campaigns done against them and I believe this to be a form of transmisogynist violence but I don’t make a habit of commentating on it. 2) Because I think that I, like many people, got “popular” on tumblr mostly for being slightly above average funny and a bit inflammatory. 3) I had never heard of Connie before this and Hannah had never mentioned her to me because she was such a brief and irrelevant and profoundly unpleasant part of Hannah’s life, before we were even close.

In December, Connie remakes her Tumblr, and makes a post along the lines of “I hate that my blog got deleted because so does my blocklist. First post I see on here is a Sizhens post. Get that buddy outta here!” My wife saw this and was, understandably, annoyed. At this point this had been going on for months without either of us commenting on it because it was both frustrating and, candidly, in my opinion, below us to even acknowledge. However, my wife decided to confront Connie about this, which led to the resultant conflict. Harsh words were exchanged between them, which I frankly consider to be irrelevant to me – my wife is her own person and I am not responsible for her any more than she is responsible for me. I will speak specifically to what I did in this situation.

I made a couple posts which amount to “What’s your problem with me? I don’t even know you.” A mutual of mine asked “What even happened?” to which I responded, admittedly, impulsively and frustratedly, with this reply in the comments of my post: 

[img description: in brief and uncharitable but blunt: a racist white woman got mad my wife didn’t want to fuck her and decided to take it out on me, someone who has never spoken to her in my entire life.]

There are several relevant things about this comment. 1) I admit openly that it was a catty and unkind thing to say. 2) I deleted the comment nearly immediately after making it. However, Connie screenshotted it within the first 30 seconds if it being posted, and 15 seconds before I deleted it. 3) The comment about “wanting to fuck my wife” was relevant because, by Connie’s own admission, she had held and has held a resentment for years partially because she asked out my wife in 2019 to which Hannah gently turned her down, an attraction which Connie has expressed she still holds. Was this an immature and unkind thing to bring up? Absolutely. Was it catty and unfair? Yes, and I openly admit that, and for that I am sorry and have felt immense regret. I would like to hold myself to being above making snide remarks like this even in anger and I am disappointed in myself for having acted this way.

However, Connie would go on to portray this comment (which was up for less than a minute) as a comment which was attempting an unpersoning campaign against her, by way of portraying her as a pedophile – a stretch which I truly cannot see or understand at all.

My immediate response was to remove myself from the situation in as permanent and a significant way as I could understand how: I deleted my blog and stepped away from Tumblr for several weeks.

Granted, this was a dramatic thing to do. I will openly admit I am prone to theatricality which might be evident by this post. However, I feel it is relevant because I am being accused of proliferating a transmisogynist hate campaign against Connie in which, in her words, I insinuated she was a pedophile and “sexual pervert.”

I feel that it is my responsibility and right to assert several things:

I am a transgender woman. My wife is a transgender woman. I don’t think that trans women can’t hurt each other (on the contrary, I believe we frequently do) but I believe Connie to be wielding this narrative profoundly cynically by implying we are not transgender women while never outright saying this.

I had no intention to ever portray Connie as a pervert or pedophile. I made a snide remark which attempted to portray her as a pathetic and lonely person who was lashing out at me for petty interpersonal beef reasons. This was unfair of me and unkind and I acknowledge this

This entire conflict was started five years ago because Connie said something incredibly racist, which she veiled behind vague marxist sentiments. That said, this has no relevance to me, as I was not there, did not know Connie at the time, barely even knew my own current wife at the time, and did not even know of Connie’s existence until this whole conflict started.

Connie has gone on to consistently portray this conflict as a transmisogynist campaign to get her socially murdered, in which I was proliferating a hate campaign on the back of a pedophilia assertion, something I never did and never would do.

The reality is that this is a conflict wherein a white woman is covering for something racist she said (five years ago, which we all would have forgotten about had she not dredged this petty interpersonal beef to the fore in an effort to lash out at me, a stranger, and my wife, a woman who committed the great social crime of deciding she did not want to be friends with a profoundly unpleasant person five years ago) by portraying a TWOC as punching down at her and wielding transmisogyny against her.

This is patently untrue, and a gross mischaracterization of the situation. It is a lie intended to make these spaces sufficiently hostile and unpleasant enough for us to simply leave of our own accord. The fact that she continues to post about this month-old conflict despite Hannah and my best efforts to ignore it is because she feels she has not yet won by driving us both out of these spaces.

I think Connie is a profoundly unwell person who is lashing out at us because this is what she does. She lashes out at a different person on the internet every week or two and attempts to drum up conflict for reasons I will not speculate on. Unfortunately this is not something that I will just take on the chin. I think that I am being portrayed unfairly and, candidly, I believe that her motivations are not just cynical and selfish, but motivated partially for the fact that she dislikes me because I am a Taiwanese ML, which was evidenced by this whole conflict being started over an extremely racist and callous comment she made about Hong Kong and Taiwan. Regardless, what she is saying about me is patently untrue, and I feel I have a right and obligation to defend myself. I don’t have any issue beyond this. I don’t want to get her driven from this website. I just want this whole thing to be over with so we can all move on with our lives.

[transmasccofee]

toritsuak sexuality hc?

homophobic gay

[chiefofboatwatsonstittymug]

I want to watch a film that is good but if you look up "films that are good" you inevitably just get Films That Are New because they have more reviews on whatever site and that is not the same thing

[phagodyke]

in a hilarious turn of events my flatmate didn't even know I use any pronouns....

[kweendodongo]

Thinking about how dreadfully lonely it must've been to be the Hero of Time

[heirtothetrib]

i have a new rp wishlist item: pokemon au

[kulvefaggoth]

today we're having a real teamup of dysphoria body dysmorphia touch starvedness and just general feelings of loneliness

[thatone-highlighter]

ILYSMMMMMMM i’m so honored that i’m someone you think about and enjoy talking to <333 u can message me on disc literally anytime about literally anything and i’ll enjoy it bc i think ur so so neat ILY DUCKIEEEE

CAAAATTTTTT

I really wanna talk to u and stuff but im so bad with coming up with things to talk about shdkdhshhs

[juneberrie]

vent in tags sorry

[the-xolotl]

What a Bloody Mess !

Alastor x Fem!Reader

ღ a/n: a special gift for my friend Cass over at the discord server~ thank you for the delicious idea. this is def a lil self-indulgent hehe

summary: Alastor's cannibalistic cravings go further than you initially thought. And he's gotten a particular appetite for you this time around.

ღ TAGS: no use of y/n, explicit fem anatomy descriptions, cunnilingus, menstrual oral, oral (fem receiving), scent kink, blood play, face sitting, courting rituals if you squint, scenting, primal habits (? kinda), Al mentions your fertility, explicit depiction of menstruation and ovulation, dubcon.

MINORS AND AGELESS BLOGS DNI. YOU WILL BE BLOCKED ON SIGHT. Thank you~♡

The past two weeks have been hell, ironically. The days leading up to your monthly cycle are always annoying and uncomfortable, not only because of the hormonal imbalance and emotional instability but because of the physical symptoms. Starting with ovulation being a drag, walking around with the constant squelching wetness between your thighs for an entire week that makes you feel embarrassed, it’s ridiculous, it makes you feel like you’re in heat—like an animal. Every step makes you grimace, unable to look anyone in the eye. Let’s not even mention the various lusty, dirty, lewd impulsive thoughts that came with it, the carnal need to be filled; You’re more nervous than usual but despite that, you try to push yourself to be sociable around the hotel.

But you only come to regret it when you notice a certain Radio Demon hanging around you. Like, a lot. Alastor is already usually very cordial and gentlemanly toward you, that’s just who he is and you’ve never given him a reason not to be, however, as of a few days ago, Alastor had been hovering over your general area; often standing or sitting next to you, striking up conversations, teasing you more than usual. What caught you off guard the most were the little acts of service he did. Even offering to accompany you places so you didn’t have to go alone. It came off as protective… And in an odd way possessive. Also, he seemed irritated anytime anyone else grabbed your attention away from him, not very obviously or outwardly so, but noticeable enough because you were so used to watching his behavior you could pick up on it.

You also noticed fewer people approached you, especially if he was around or with you. It was definitely odd behavior from the radio host to be in constant contact with you. And being you’re currently struggling with your own “issues”, it’s annoying and unpleasant having Alastor following you around. Because the idea that anyone could possibly smell the blood on you made you feel gross, even if realistically that’s not very likely. But the worst of it was by far when your actual period started. It felt awkward, your hormones were ramped up to a thousand, peak horny but not being able to relief yourself and not wanting to deal with the mess.

To avoid Alastor you opt to stay locked up in your room, occasionally going down to the kitchen to get a snack or some proper food. And that seemed to work for a little, until he showed up at your door with the excuse that he hadn’t seen you around very much, and became a little worried for you. So here he is standing at your hotel door, “I appreciate the concern, Al, I really do but right now just isn’t a great time—” there’s a hurry in your voice as you try to press him away from the door frame, trying to close it or get him to take a hint but this is the Radio Demon you’re talking about.

“Dear, it’s my job to ensure the comfort and happiness of all hotel residents, including you” his smile grew more conspicuous, instead he used the close proximity to wrap and arm around your lower back to keep you trapped against him. His face inches closer to you, sharp eyes fixed on your blushed face. You tried to recoil away from him but he’s got you pressed chest to chest—well, your chest to his torso more like because he’s stupidly tall— and his entire expression darken. Like he had planned this, like you had fallen into a carefully laid out plan. Heat rose up further up your cheeks and spread through your entire body as you still squirmed in his arms.

“Alastor please, I’m not playing your games anymore. I-I really want to be alone right now,” you can’t help the stutter in your voice. His warmth is so inviting, the way you fit perfectly against him you want nothing more than to be wrapped up in him. In more ways than one, especially with that hand that’s gently thumbing your hip as a means to soothe you. The demon leans in closer still, small cracks of feedback become louder as his mouth graces the shell of your ear and you swear you’re losing your mind. Because as is, he’s putting minimal strength to keep you where you are, so your mind wonders what else he could do, how much more could he make you do if he really tried. It send a shiver down your spine at the thought of feeling those slender claws digging into your flesh—

“Are you sure that’s what you really want?” that velvety voice is enticing, it’s making your already fuzzy brain even more hazy. No, is the honest truth you want to give him. Yet, the last shred of reason nags at you to not let the horny thoughts win. However, that thin thread is about to snap with how insistent Alastor is being. “Let me help you with your… Little predicament, darling,” the lilt in his voice is playful, alluring. Your body goes stiff, though.

“What are you talking about?” you ask nervously. The deer chuckles pulling away and fixing his low-lidded eyes once again on yours, those ruby eyes that seem to look into the darkest depths of your soul with a single glance. You feel paralyzed both from fear and anticipation awaiting his answer.

His free hand comes up to your belly, oh-so gently rubbing the expand of your abdomen. It makes you shudder, your gaze falls down to his hands curious and oddly aroused by the gesture. He doesn’t answer immediately and even when he does it’s not direct. “Last week while going about the hotel as I usually do… I caught a scent I had never quite smelled before. Sweet yet tart. I had wondered for hours on end where it could have possibly come from and how it came and went,” He explained slowly, as slowly as his hand rubbed your abdomen in wide patterns, “Until I realized it came and went as you did. You, little one, have been driving me insane for d̸̞̖̹̎̃̉͊͛̾͗̊̍͘̚a̴̢̼͔̗̬͚̺̠͖̹͔͕͈̭̳͒y̴̧̻̹͙̰̭̽̔̄͂̑̂̈́̔̂̋̌̀́͝s̸̨̙̲̰̲̞̯̖̮̪͌́̽͂͝.”

His voice became much more grave and the radio filter intensified, both hands grabbing at your waist tightly, almost painfully. You unconsciously squeeze your thighs together feeling a warm liquid start to pool. In a panic you tried to snap out of his grasp but that only made him hold on tighter. Did his hands grow? but you don’t have time to wonder how his two hands encircled your entire waist because he’s lifting you up as if you weigh nothing but a couple of grapes, then your back is against something soft— your mattress you suppose— and Alastor with elongated antlers, his body bigger than he normally is and eyes turned to radio dials. You should be fucking scared shitless but seeing his demonic form makes your cunt clench around nothing. There’s no helping you really.

Tendrils sprout around your sheets to hold you where you lay, his large hands come to encircle your thighs spreading them. “Alastor wait! Wait a second!” your face is hot and bright red, “I’m— Oh Satan don’t make me say it,” tears pricked at the corners of your eyes. Your mind is torn in half because dear unholy hell you needed relief, you haven’t been able to cum or touch there because of your messy little predicament but the shame of Alastor seeing the mess is too much.

Alastor laughs pushing your legs apart and further up nearly folding you in half, “Oh I know. I’m a cannibal, pretty girl, I can handle a little blood, now will you allow me to drink from you? You smell positively ripe for the taking,” Alastor presses his face against your still clothed pussy taking in the scent he’s been chasing for almost two weeks.

The action unconsciously made you moan, “Yes, yes fine!” your eyes squeezed tightly feeling entirely too shy and embarrassed to even look at him. His words made your heart skip a beat, this had to be the oddest form of cannibalism— Does it count?— you’ve ever seen, heard of or otherwise. For Alastor, that was all he needed. He’s now a one track minded being with nothing to stop his hunger until it is sated.

He quickly did away with your panties, but not before pressing the fabric against his nose one last time before disregarding it somewhere on the floor, your needy sex twitching for attention. It made you look away from him too many emotions bubbling inside you, it’s a little overwhelming how fast it’s happening and what is happening. It’s dawning on you that Alastor is asking to eat you out, to taste the blood—

Your thoughts are interrupted again but his tentacles lifting you up, Alastor had laid down at some point you hadn’t realized and you were being positioned right on top of his face. You tried to hover out of habit but Alastor wouldn’t let you, his radio voice crackled again, “Oh no, darling. Ỹ̵͇͕̕ō̸̪̟͐ȕ̸͇͎̆ ̶͈̃̂a̸̯̿r̶͓̈́̇e̴̱͑̓ ̵̡͈̿g̴̨͠ò̴̲͖ḯ̸̹n̶̢͚̈́͂g̷͇̎ ̷͖̅t̶̳͇̉̄ǫ̵̫̈́ ̵̮͚̋s̸̘͐͋i̴̜̓t̵̲͌̍,” using his hands he pushed you down on his waiting tongue and held you there as he didn’t hesitate to lap up your slightly bloodied folds.

“Alastor!” you whine loudly, again closing your eyes and even covering your face with both your hands. But you won’t deny how unbelievably good it felt, relieved you’d finally feel release and you couldn’t tell if it’s because someone else is touching you but your sensitivity felt like it had skyrocketed. Your whole body trembled, the tentacles around your waist and chest were doing all the holding up as well as keeping you in place. It’s a little horrifying to be eaten out like this but he’s licking at you like you’re the last drink in hell making you reel and throw your head back. Moans and mewls very soon filled the air and bounced off the walls along with soft sensual jazz that played just a little louder than your own voice. Just enough to mask them from being heard outside of the bedroom.

As Alastor sucked and lapped at your clit, tentacles press harder into your lower abdomen to coax out your sweet fluids enjoying the various noises and the ones you struggled to keep in, “What a shy flower you are, but be a good girl and let me enjoy you,” he cooed at you, his long tongue licking up and down your slightly then teasing your entrance before plunging it deep into your hole. Your eyes widen at the feeling once again squirming and hips bucking, it’s an odd sensations having his long, flexible muscle so deep inside. You could feel the tip reaching your cervix and not leaving a single part of you unexplored. Mind numbing pleasure of your orgasm building up made your ears ring and you knew you wouldn’t last. But Alastor didn’t seem to mind or even care about your impending orgasm because he didn’t slow down his strides. Mouthful after mouthful of your blood dripped down his tongue and into his mouth he groaned in delight at the taste.

“Darling, I’m not doing this entirely for your pleasure. I’m glad to you grant you some release, do cum as many times as you’d like by all means,” he informs from between suck and licks, “But I’m not stopping until I’ve had my fill,” he growled and went right back to his task. You gasped feeling his teeth grace your soft folds, making you keen and clench around his tongue. You felt his smile widen against you, he did it again. And again and again, his teeth probably nicked you a few times but you at that point didn’t mind, your orgasm is just over the horizon and the pain mixed with the immense pleasure only had your back arching against his tendrils that still held you up. Even your hands came to tangle in his hair and antlers holding on tightly feeling that coil in your abdomen about to snap.

And suddenly with a particular rub of his tongue against the little bundle of nerves inside you, your orgasm crashed over you like a ton of bricks. It was so strong it caused goosebumps to rise across your entire body and scream out in pure, unadulterated pleasure. Alastor groan some curses under his breath as you tug his hair when you cum, sucking feverishly to catch every last drop of your release and bloody. It’s dripping down his chin at this point but he can worry about the bloody mess later. He isn’t even near done with you yet. Your reaction to his administrations and the delectable smell wafting off you in waves now that you’ve finally came are making him even more ravenous than when he first shoved his face between your legs.

“I’m going to drink you dry, my darling. Give me everything, pet.”

ღ a/n: it took me days to be satisfied with this one akdkskald but i had so much fun writing it. so thank you cass <33

—

© 2024 the-xolotl — all rights reserved. do NOT alter, translate, or repost my works on any platform without my consent, do not claim my content as yours.

[meyhew]

“WHAT WE MOURN FOR THE DEAD IS THE LOSS OF THEIR HOPES.”

I never thought I’d make this post. Any time I imagined a One Direction member dying, I pictured myself weathered and grey. This was an eventuality that wasn’t supposed to be actualized until the boys and I had lived full lives. To have to come to terms with Liam’s death—his perpetual absence moving forward—in my mid twenties feels absurd. I wrote a long thing the day after I found out, so I’ve already gotten some thoughts out. I’m going to try and keep this short. I likely won’t succeed.

Liam was kind. If he’s remembered for anything, I hope it’s that. I know he helped out with food banks in London during lockdown because there were photos of him packing boxes, but I didn’t know until now how much money he gave them. £80,000 without any publicity. And it wasn’t a one-time donation. He kept working with various orgs to help food insecure people. In the week leading up to that unfortunate Wednesday, he gave away thousands to fundraisers—primarily set up to help people with severe illnesses. He’d been part of Soccer Aid for years. He was involved with anti-bullying campaigns. He worked with Rays of Sunshine to make hundreds of sick children happy. Over the years, he also donated to nonprofits that help children in Gaza and other places. The T-shirt he designed for Choose Love has garnered nearly £200,000; Choose Love has been working with the Palestine Children’s Relief Fund and Medical Aid for Palestinians to provide desperately needed aid in Gaza. Liam understood the value of his wealth, and what his social responsibility was. He did his part to make this world better.

All that without taking into account everything Liam did for us. The youtube videos he started during quarantine because it was a way to distract people, give them something to look forward to. His comedic timing was something special. The discord server where he talked to fans and highlighted their creative endeavors. His livestreams, the endless culture-defining tweets he made. I still see people laughing about his tweets. We all remember Mrs. Horan, yes? I mean, go all the way back to TwitCams. Just google the phrase and one of the first videos you get will be Liam’s. From day one, he took it upon himself to make sure the fans were happy. That we felt seen, heard. And he kept One Direction alive for us, on occasion at a great personal cost. He performed deep cuts we’d never seen sung live, he was always so enthusiastic about everyone else’s projects, he never shied away from talking about the band—because it made us happy. He knew what the band meant to us, the blend of hope and nostalgia many of us clung to, and he held on with us. For us. The masses ridiculed him for his clinginess, and he didn’t let go—for us. I’m sure he knew there are those of us for whom the name One Direction still means everything. And how right he was. Look at the global charts for the past two weeks. We’ve made history again. Because of Liam. He had been the glue holding a lot of the fandom together, whether people realized it or not. He brought us all together again in the most heartbreaking of ways.

One Direction came into my life at a time when I was becoming lonelier by the day. I had moved to a new country two years prior, and I didn’t yet have many friends because I knew only enough English to get by at school. Outside of school, I had no friends. They were all back home in the place I’d left. All I had was my two siblings—and when you’re 13 years old, your 14 yr old sister is hardly the person you want to spend all your time with. I didn’t have space for me, to do and to be something that was just mine.

Then I found 1d through a girl at school and they became that something for me. I bettered my English by watching them talk. I found this community because of them, and I have learned so much from being a part of it. So many wonderful people have touched my life because of them over the years, some I’ve fallen out of touch with and some I hung out with just this month. They—and, by extension, Liam—have made me wealthy in friendship.

Claudia, Ingrid, Mery; Thank you for putting up with my insanely specific demands and making headers for me. Ingrid, you’ve been so patient about teaching me how to gif. Mery, I still have your rec list for learning Spanish saved in my notes app. The TPWK print you gifted me hangs on my wall. Cloudy, do you remember that lineart you made of me? I still have it. You’ve all been so kind to me.

Rafa; You have no idea how much you’ve helped build my confidence as a writer. Lyab is a thing of the past now, but those hours you spent fleshing out the details of that fic are priceless to me. I’d never written anything so ambitious before. And, frankly, I don’t think I would’ve attempted a novel if I hadn’t written a 100k fic—which I couldn’t have done without your encouragement. I think this is my first time telling you I finished the first draft of my novel in September. Thank you <3

Yas; Beloved you are so dear to me. You have shown me such kindness over the years, at times I wondered what I had done to deserve it. Not many people check in with me the way you do. I value your presence in my life beyond words. You have so much love and affection to give, and I’m glad I get to receive so much of it.

If I wrote a personal note to everyone who’s in my life because of Liam we’d be here for hours and hours. Jess, Bella, Alex, Jack, Hayley, Hope, Soni, Kayla, Sara, Arsh, Tina, Ola, Cristal, Kylee, Hana, Ali, Antonise, Clare, Abby, Nina, fnh, mert, people I don’t follow anymore, everyone who’s come into my life because of liam—I love you. Literally every single person I follow should be named here because I wouldn’t even be on this website if it weren’t for 1d. You’re all so special to me.

I still can’t believe Liam is gone. I was at the grocery store and it hit me that it’s real, and I thought, no, there’s no way. It feels so fucking weird having this invisible hole in my life that’s never going to go away. But I’ll always be grateful for everything Liam brought into my life. I know I’ll grow old with a whole bunch of you in my life—I’ve already spent a decade with some of you in my life—and I wish Liam got to grow old and weathered with us all.

This is such an inadequate goodbye. I think I’ll keep coming up with things I wish I could tell Liam, or things I want to say to you all. There’s so much history here, so much to reminisce about. He took a piece of my adolescence with him. I’ll miss him forever. Too many of my memories are intertwined with him and I’ll miss him forever.

Sleep easy, Liam. I hope, in time, you’re remembered for your limitless capacity for love and your desire to do better, be better. You deserved more. 🤍

—————

tagging 1d people here because i know many blogs aren’t active on a regular basis. apologies if i missed someone (i’m sure i did). hugs for everyone

@1dclowns @hrrytomlinson @sandiazucar @fookinfreezin @hoeranghae @wlwmermald @tomlinsun @epubgf @heyangel @fireproofs @90sgrungelouis @lirry @iconichalo @itsnotreal @aquickstart @roguecurls @harryscuddles @hoteyelinerguy @babyy-honey @goldencereza @kindathoughtprovoking @kindofsharethat @fuchsiasea @queerbloodyangel @tofiveohfive @aboutmetamorphosis @wastelandbabyblue @delicatepointofview @twentybiqueen @girlcrushau @chaoticsue @chimnation @akasakasads @icouldbeluckyagain @alloutshirt @half-lightl @halohamilton @willowfey @meltedwings @softandslow @loustyles @onedirectiom @pop-punklouis @pridesobright @finexbright @femstyles @baawree @iamnathanscott @avocadolouie @userautumn @niallerer @itsnothesameasitwas @usignedupforthis @svpportive @svncourt

[lxkeee]

TWO SIDES OF THE SAME COIN

—CHAPTER TEN

Pairing: Lucifer Morningstar x Seraphim Angel! Fem! Reader

Fandom: Hazbin Hotel

Genre: ANGST

Warnings: swearing and just angst.

Notes: Yayy! An update after being gone for a month or so lmao XD but anywho, heaven and back would be updated next week, I'm still finishing the chapter up lol.

Second notes: incase if you haven't seen the Azrael fanart my friend did for me, here's the link~! And also, did you know we have a discord server? Here's the link to it:3 come and join, everyone is friendly<3 and if you're already part of the server, come and say hi too:D

Word count: 4.6k

PART ONE I PART NINE | PART ELEVEN | NAVIGATION

Michael lets out a deep exhale once he finally hears the door to [Y/n]'s room clicked as he closes it. He was beyond worried when he heard the news of what happened to her. He blamed himself for being the cause of her passing out, if only he didn't send her down there then she would've been fine.

Michael leans against [Y/n]'s door, running a hand through his soft blond locks, eyes closed as he sighs.

Unaware of the approaching dark haired taller male.

Azrael's eyebrow raised as he noticed the blond man scrunched against [Y/n]'s door, seemingly in deep thought.

Azrael heard what happened and he immediately rushed back to heaven after his work, he was worried sick for the woman.

He sighs, although he didn't show it. His charming and mischievous face remains unchanged as he approaches the door.

“Michael, didn't expect to see you today.” Azrael says, his usual teasing and sultry voice catching Michael's attention.

Michael's head raised up—previously hung low—to look at the source of the voice, only to see Azrael in his deathly glory.

“I heard what happened so I immediately came here to check up on her, especially knowing she went down there and possibly saw him.” Michael explained and Azrael fought back the urge to roll his eyes at the man.

“Still wondering why you chose her to go down there, I was willing to take the load off her shoulders.”

Michael sighs, running a hand through his light blond hair, he doesn't get paid enough for this.

“I know and I suggested it to her right? To do the rock-paper-scissors game again after she lost but she was determined to take the case and I needed to respect that, she was fully prepared to go down there.” Michael explained, exhaustion evident on his voice. He was confused too, worried even. He can only believe God's words, the man sees everything—the past, present, and future.

He can only trust his judgement despite how it pains him to see [Y/n] suffer.

Azrael sighs, stuffing both of his hands in the pocket of his pants. Decided not to further question the man and possibly aggravate both of them.

Fights between Virtues are close to non-existent, but never zero. Arguments can be dangerous for powerful heavenly beings such as themselves.

“I shall not question you further, I'll hand you my reports later this evening so for now, excuse me.” Azrael says with a sigh, walking past Michael as he knocked on [Y/n]'s door before entering.

The door closed with a click. Michael was alone in that hallway after, with a sigh and finally drooping his heavy shoulders, he walked away.

For someone to be God's right hand man, he doesn't know anything. He has no choice but to place his trust in their heavenly father.

Who is currently away to a place they don't know.

‘What a mess,’ Michael thought to himself, the worried expression on his face disappearing as it was replaced with his usual cold and aloof facial expression that he is known for, shoulders straightening up, his footsteps fading as he disappeared from the hallway.

[Y/n] was blankly staring at the ceiling as she was lying down on her bed, seemingly lost in thought.

Azrael sighs, heels clicking as he walks towards her bed, [Y/n] shifted her head to look at the sound of the noise just to see Azrael, sitting on the empty spot of the side of her bed.

She gave him a weak and tired smile.

“Are you alright? I heard what happened,” Azrael muttered, a worried look on his face, “What did I tell you about pushing yourself to the limit?”

“The audacity to say that to me with your nonexistent sleep schedule—” [Y/n] says with a teasing tone but got playfully smacked by a pillow by none other than Azrael.

“I am death, I do not need sleep.”

Azrael says with a small pout, returning back the pillow to where he got it from, crossing his arms and crossing his long and slender legs.

[Y/n] chuckled softly, moving her position to sit on the bed instead of lying down.

“I mean... You looked like death.” She says, Azrael raises his eyebrow at her.

“I don't know why but I feel offended by that statement—”

[Y/n] stares at him, almost a deadpan looking the man up and down, “Come on... You know what I mean.”

“It's the bags underneath my eyes isn't it?” he asked, deadpanning at her, “Michael has it worse, stop attacking me.”

Azrael sighs, sometimes he forgets how difficult she is.

‘Dear father, give me the strength not to end her myself. I'm just kidding, I didn't mean to say that—’

He thought to himself, letting out a long exhale as he saw the teasing grin on the girl's face.

“You're trying to distract me.” he says, eyes narrowing into a deadpan, his lips still in a pout.

“Is it working?” [Y/n] asked with a playful tone, eyebrow raised teasingly at the male.

“Unfortunately.” he sighs, running a hand through his hair, long and slender fingers weaving through the dark black locks in slight frustration.

Whenever he's with her, he sighs a lot. That's something he noticed a long time ago.

The heart palpitations he gets whenever she's near might've not been because of attraction, it's probably because of stress.

She stresses him out.

Okay, just a little bit.

Azrael sighs once more, [Y/n] resisting herself to burst out into laughter, “That's the sixth time you've sighed.” She points out, Azrael deadpans at her.

“Thank you for keeping count, I really appreciate it.” He says, playful sarcasm dripping from his voice.

“You're welcome, death.” She says, it was enough for both of them to burst into chuckles.

Knock, knock, knock.

A knock was heard from her door, catching both of them off guard.

The door opens. A long dark blue haired woman can be seen standing by the door. Her hair tied into a ponytail yet her hair still reaches her waist. A serious look on her face.

Gabriel is here.

‘Oh shit.’ Azrael thought to himself, a shiver running down his back.

The room suddenly felt colder with the woman's presence. Something that often happens whenever Gabriel is in the room.

“Gabriel... Hi—” [Y/n] says nervously, getting cut off.

“Save it Raphael, Azrael please leave.” Gabriel says, voice dripping with icy coldness.

Gabriel, known as God's messenger; she handles reports that are needed to be passed around between realms.

It is natural that the news of Raphael collapsing would immediately reach her.

She can never understand what [Y/n] sees in Lucifer, sure she can see the vision but after what happened and what he did to [Y/n].

She gets the ick.

When the meeting about Sera and Adam's actions were held and the meeting also included about this 'Hazbin Hotel proposed by none other than Lucifer's daughter.

Someone needs to oversee it.

Unfortunately, [Y/n] lost the game that decides that.

The other members thought it was a bad idea but [Y/n] insists, saying that it's fair.

She doesn't want them to baby her. She wants to prove to them that she's okay.

Gabriel was beyond worried, [Y/n] is like a little sister to her despite their ages being so close to each other.

She trusts [Y/n], she can't trust Lucifer.

She couldn't trust the man who abandoned his wife for another woman.

Especially when she learned that Lilith left Lucifer.

It made Gabriel smile when she found out.

Qui totum vult totum perdit, as she always says.

Which translates to, ‘he who wants everything, loses everything.’

Michael usually refutes it with an, ‘Omnia causa fiunt.’

Which translates to, everything happens for a reason.

She doesn't understand Michael sometimes, despite knowing the man for many eons now.

She supposed Michael has some secrets to hide as the heavenly father's right hand man.

She couldn't imagine the burden he's carrying but then again, everyone in the seven virtues has something to hide.

She hums to herself, her mind returning what she was previously thinking.

What was she talking about again?

Oh, Lucifer.

Lucifer got greedy, he lost both of his wives in the process.

What differs him from the first man then?

Nothing.

After all, he is the embodiment of the sin of pride.

He is prideful, arrogant, and greedy.

Not much of a difference between him and Adam, except for how they show their arrogance.

Lucifer became blind when given the opportunity to act upon his God forsaken dreams.

Gabriel grimaced at the thought. The very dreams that doomed humanity.

With that blindness, he lost everything in the process.

As what he deserves.

Gabriel wonders why can't [Y/n] see that a man is willing to go on his knees to worship her?

Azrael, the angel of death.

The virtue of humility. Despite Azrael's slight narcissistic personality, the man knows how to be humble.

Despite the popular belief.

The man knows how to control himself. He knows the difference between being arrogant and being proud of one's achievement.

Unlike Lucifer.

Although, Azrael is borderline to it, she won't speak about it though. Nope, nuh uh.

How funny, Lucifer the sin of pride and Azrael the virtue of humility.

Gabriel almost chuckled at the thought, ‘I supposed there are two sides of the same coin.’

With a sigh, the sounds of her heels clicking against the tiled floors came to a halt.

She stood in the hallway of the Caeles mansion, facing the door that leads to [Y/n]'s room.

She can hear [Y/n]'s muffled behind the door, along with a familiar voice of Azrael laughing. Though, muffled.

Gabriel tilts her body slightly to the side so she can gaze outside through the many windows that are in the hallway.

Dark evening blue skies are what she can see, the sun has set a few hours ago.

She's not sure, the concept of time doesn't matter to an immortal being such as her.

She turns to face the door once more, taking a deep breath as she composes herself.

Stand straight, chest up, shoulders back. Confidence.

She knocks and opens the door.

“Gabriel... Hi—” [Y/n] says nervously, getting cut off.

“Save it Raphael, Azrael please leave.” Gabriel says, voice dripping with icy coldness.

Azrael smiled nervously at [Y/n], patting the girl's head before getting up from where he was sitting—the edge or side of [Y/n]'s bed—his heels clicked on the tiled floor as he walked.

He passes by Gabriel, patting the woman on the shoulder before exiting the room.

The door clicked as it closed. [Y/n] nervously gulped.

Gabriel sighs, finally letting herself walk towards [Y/n]'s direction.

The sound of her heels clicking against the tiled floor is what [Y/n] can only hear, she plays with her thumbs nervously. Her [e/c] eyes avoiding deep dark blue ones.

“We need to talk.” She says sternly as she sits on the edge of the bed, [Y/n] sighs and nodded.

This is going to be fun. [Y/n] thought to herself, sighing mentally.

“What happened?” Gabriel asked, crossing her arms as she looked at the other female.

[Y/n] chuckled nervously, “I sorta got ambushed by evil...?”

Gabriel just stared blankly at her before deadpanning, “How—”

“It just happened okay?” [Y/n] just sighs and Gabriel just inhales and then exhales loudly.

“I don't want to continue asking about that,” Gabriel says flatly, clearly lost for words.

[Y/n] just nodded before looking away to avoid the other woman's eyes.

“Why do you insist on taking this job?” Gabriel asked, her dark blue eyes sternly looking at the [h/c] haired girl.

[Y/n] looked at the other woman in the eye, faltering slightly from the sharpness or Gabriel's dark blue ones.

“Because I just want to, what more reason do you want?” [Y/n] says nervously, avoiding Gabriel's stern and judgemental gaze.

Gabriel sighs then raises an eyebrow at her, “We know you just want to see him. It's been eons, [Y/n]. Why are you still hung up on the guy? You should move on and perhaps find someone new?” she asked her and [Y/n] avoided Gabriel's gaze and turned to look at the window near her bed, watching as the clouds passed by her window.

She sighs, “I can't, I still love him, Gabriel. After all these years my heart still yearns for him, aches, and beats for him.” she whispers softly, voice shaking and vulnerable.

Gabriel sighs, “You always let your emotions get in the way, that's the problem with you [Y/n] you don't think.” she says sternly and [Y/n] remained quiet, she knows Gabriel is right but she can't help it.

“He's just a man, [y/n].”

“A failure of an angel, he brings shame to the seraphims.”

“No, he's not.” [Y/n] refutes back yet her voice lacks resolve, it was barely a whisper.

“So what are you telling me? That this is all worth it because he's the love of your life and this was the man for you” Gabriel asked, a tinge of anger in her voice, her words sending knives to [Y/n]'s heart.

Gabriel is right and she refuses to listen.

“I don't know... He might've been.” [Y/n] answers weakly, a single tear running down her left cheek.

“This is ridiculous.” Gabriel says and [Y/n] just gave a pained laugh, “I know.” she says, she knows that.

“So there's no chance of changing your mind then?” Gabriel asked, a small scoff leaving her lips, her eyebrows slightly furrowed in slight annoyance at the thought of [Y/n] going down in hell once more.

[Y/n] nodded, Gabriel sighed and stood up from where she was sitting, “You're really an idiot, [Y/n].” Gabriel says with a small sigh, a strand of dark blue hair falling on her face. She uses her finger to tuck those strands behind her ear. Her dark blue eyes analyzing the other woman—helpless, weak, an utter fool for lowering herself for a man.

One might say the standards are in hell because of how low it is.

How ironic, amusing.

[Y/n] smiled weakly, she knows. She knows she's stupid for loving a man this much.

Yet, she can't help it. She's a fool. A fool in love with the devil, who was once an angel, who was once her loving husband.

You can never really know you love someone until they've hurt you and still think of them as the best person ever.

“Yeah, I know.” [Y/n] says with a pained smile, a bitter chuckle escaping from her plump pink lips.

Gabriel stood up from where she was sitting, walking to a nearby window that's near the edge of her bed, she stared outside the glass panel, her hands behind her back.

“Does that mean you'll be going down there again?” She asked, not bothering to look at [Y/n].

“Yeah.” [Y/n] nodded, her eyes downcast as she looked defeated. She hated herself for being like this.

“I am not stopping you, you're far too stubborn to listen anyways.” Gabriel says, voice monotone and tired.

“I know.” she says, voice barely above a whisper, a meek and powerless voice. Not wanting to agree with Gabriel but the woman is right and it hurts admitting it.

“Don't say I didn't tell you so.”

Not the first time someone told her that, and it didn't end well for her.

History repeats itself.

And as usual, it's her fault for not listening.

Azrael stood behind the door, ear pressed on the wooden door, eavesdropping.

He is aware that Gabriel can be harsh sometimes and he is also curious.

Can't say what he heard didn't break his heart.

He moves away from the door and leans against the wall, his face expressionless.

He has no reason to cry about it, he knows he had no chance.

A small smile was now on his face and a single tear slid down from his left eye, leaving a wet trail on to his pale cheek.

The door suddenly opens which prompted him to quickly wipe the tear away and composed himself.

He watches as Gabriel walks out of the door and closes the door behind her.

Dark blue eyes meeting dark black ones.

Gabriel's eyes widened ever so slightly when he saw Azrael standing and leaning on the wall near the door, “I thought you left.” she says, eyebrow raised at him.

Azrael chuckled softly, his voice smooth and sweet yet had a tinge of slight bitterness.

“I was curious what you girls were talking about, curiosity kills the cat indeed.” he says with a slight humor in his voice.

Gabriel's eyes softened slightly, “Are you okay?” she asked him, crossing her arms over her chest.

Azrael shakes his head, “No, but I will be eventually.” he says with a small sigh, “Perhaps I should start moving on, besides, I'm starting to get interested in a certain someone.” he murmured, a mischievous grin on his face as remembered a certain archangel who is the acting celestial scribe to the book of life.

“Is it Michael?” she asked and Azrael gave her a disgust and flabbergasted expression, a hand over his chest.

“Excuse me?” he says, dumbfounded, “I may swing both ways but he isn't my type.” he says flatly, Gabriel gave him a side eye.

“Really? I swear both of you have this weird tension. The younglings say they 'ship' you and you two are the perfect representation of old man yaoi whatever that means.”

Azrael almost choked on air, what the fuck? Where did those angels even learn those words—

“Gabriel, what the fuck?”

Gabriel chuckles, nudging the male's shoulder, “I am just kidding.” she says with a teasing tone before humming to herself, “Metatron was it? I barely interact with them nor see them often. They're like Michael but worse, they're usually near father at all times to help him write the book of life so we barely see them in public.” she deadpans before looking at Azrael, “Since you are the angel of death, I supposed you see them often. I can just imagine you annoying them every time you're with them.” she says flatly.

Azrael chuckles, “Indeed, they're rather interesting but for now, I'll resolve my personal issues before acting upon my interest in them.”

“Good. Go to therapy.” Gabriel says, her lips pressed in a thin line as she looked at Azrael with a deadpan expression.

Azrael pouted a little.

“But I no no wanna...” he whined dramatically with a small laugh as he began to follow Gabriel as they walked away from [Y/n]'s room, the click of their heels slowly faded away as they slowly disappeared from the room.

Meanwhile,

“Dad, are you okay?” Charlie asked softly, her father staring outside his bedroom window, a lost look on his face.

Charlie was outside the door during her father and her supposed half brother arguing.

She wanted to come inside the room and try to calm both men down, but when she heard Xavier's voice as he talked to their father.

Charlie could hear eons of rage and utter pain in the boy's voice.

It stopped her from intervening, a voice in her mind kept telling her, ‘Don't. He needs this.’

Even if their father was the receiver of those harsh words.

She might not fully know nor understand the pain and suffering Xavier went but when she looked at the boy's [e/c] eyes, she was able to see utter sadness despite the blank expression on his face.

Lucifer was just blankly staring outside the window, his eyes fixated on the outside world but his mind somewhere, lost and drowning in his own self hate.

He hated it. He was not prepared. He was not prepared to see an almost exact replica of himself to arrive at his daughter's doorstep.

He was not prepared to see an exact replica of him filled with anger and sadness.

Seeing Xavier with his own two eyes, he was able to understand a bit of what the boy went through.

And he was the cause of it.

He regretted the things he has done, especially on how he treated [Y/n].

He was young—no, he was stupid. Just stupid.

Nothing can excuse his actions. He was an idiot and a fool.

[Y/n] was there for him, she was his best friend and he treated her like that.

Like a doll he discarded once he got bored.

He was wrong on how he treated her.

He should've done that, he should've loved her properly, treated her properly.

He should've been Xavier's father, the father that the boy needed and the father that the boy could trust.

Not someone he looks at with so much anger.

Terrifying, Xavier's rage reminded him of his own when he fell from grace.

Though, the reasons are highly different.

He loves [Y/n], he still does.

He realized that he still does in fact love the woman when he was separated from her for many, many years.

He would often call out to her without thinking, then remembering ‘Oh, she's not here.’

Falling from grace was enough to slap some sense into him.

He treated an amazing woman like her like garbage.

He's really an asshole.

Lilith cannot compare to [Y/n], he can't remember how many times [Y/n]'s name slips from his lips whenever he argues with Lilith.

It created distance between them.

Lilith couldn't take it anymore and left him.

He was left alone to wallow in self pity. He was left alone to mourn for the woman he left to suffer in her heartbreak which he caused.

He mourned his first love, he mourned his first son.

Which he doesn't deserve to do, considering that it should be the opposite.

To Xavier, he's a dead man. To [Y/n], he's a nobody.

Charlie watches her father with an unreadable expression on her, her hand outstretched as if to reach him but it hesitated midway. Shaking and unsure.

“Dad...?” she softly calls out again, her voice echoing despite the ringing in Lucifer's ears. His daughter's voice sounds like it's echoing in the four corners of his hotel room.

Suffocating. It felt like he was trapped in his own mind. His mistakes echoed like a siren's call to him. Teasing him.

He felt cold. He felt numb.

Snap. Everything stopped. The ringing stopped.

Though, his heart is beating erratically against his ribcage, like a monster threatening to get out of its prison.

He felt utterly numb.

His eyes are scanning his room, gentle streaks of light filtering through the glass panel of his windows giving his room a reddish like hue.

With a deep shaky sigh, he turned around and faced his daughter, his hand gripping his cane clenched ever so slightly.

“Charlie, dear... I would like to be alone at the moment.” he says, hesitantly. Voice quivering in each syllable, each word filled with the regrets of his past and present. Weighing him down.

Charlie's eyes widened ever so slightly before giving her father a small reassuring smile, “Oh! Of course... Excuse me...” she says giving him a small bow before turning around on her heels to walk towards the door. She paused, took a deep breath before looking at her father through her shoulder.

“If you need me, I'll be somewhere around the hotel. I'll always be here for you, dad.” she says with a small smile before turning around once more, twisting the doorknob open and walks out of the door.

The door clicked to a close when she was gone.

Lucifer's tensed shoulders loosened as it drops, a small frown on his beautiful face.

A single tear slips past his eye, the droplet sliding down on his left cheek, leaving a trail on his soft and pale yet rosy cheek.

“I know.” he whispered before a choked sob escaped his lips.

He can feel the stinging sensation around his eyes, vision blurring as tears mess up his sense of sight.

He can feel his legs buckling as if it struggled to carry the weight of his mistakes that he's carrying on his shoulders.

It gave out as he was now on the floor, small sobs could be heard from, his sobs bouncing on the walls of his room, mocking him.

“Why am I crying? I don't deserve to cry. I don't deserve to cry after what I had done.” he says choking on his words, shoulders shaking, trembling.

He hugged himself in an attempt to comfort himself, yet he was met with painful memories of when [Y/n] used to hold him when he was crying.

“I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry...” he repeated to himself, rocking back and forth on where he was kneeling like a sinner.

Begging for her forgiveness, yet his repentance can't be heard from her.

‘It's all my fault, it's all my fault.’ thinking these words were like a stab to the heart because it is true.

With his last bit of energy, he lies down on the cold tiled floor. His white suit a pop of color to the redness all around him, his cheeks pressed against the tiles as tears continue to slide down on his pale skin and on to the floor.

“Over, I can't believe it's over, I can't believe the love I lived, to show some other day...” he quietly sang, his voice raspy from all the crying he shifts to let his body face the ceiling, his eyes staring blankly at the chandeliers.

“Listen, I hope that you can hear me...” he sang, propping his elbows on the floor to lift himself up into a kneeling position, his hands trembling, voice cracking with emotions, “As I kneel down and pray with the love I meant to say...” he sang softly, his voice beautiful yet filled with unexplainable regret.

“Shadows, you took away the shadows...”

“Before my life was black and white, though tonight the room's gone gray.”

She was the light of his life, his life was monotone before she came, she was a splash of color to the black and white of his so-called life.

“Golden, all the love you gave was golden,” he sang softly, [Y/n]'s bright smiling face flashes into his mind, a smile that brought so much warmth and happiness into his life, “Golden, I would gladly pay, to show the love I meant to say...”

“Oh, music you made me hear, such music,”

“Silly Lucifer, don't take our elder's words to heart! Their ancient beliefs can't possibly understand your amazing ideas!” [Y/n]'s words echo in his mind, for a brief moment, he could see [Y/n] smiling and giggling at him, her long white dress fluttering against the wind.

His eyes widened when the figment of his imagination of [Y/n] slowly fades away, his eyes widened in fear as he attempted to lift himself up from the floor, his hands outstretched in hopes of reaching her.

Only to grip on to nothing.

“Without you here to guide me, I feel as though I'll fly away...” he muttered, his voice continuing to break as tears continued to stream down his cheeks.

Droplets of his tears falling into the floor, his reflection mirrored into the small puddle of his pain.

“S-sorry,” his voice breaks even more, a simple word that is too late to say, too heavy to speak with his own lips. The very words he wants to say to her.

“Sorry, that's the word I want to sing to you,”

He took a deep shaky breath, his wine red like eyes tired and dull, eyes puffy and red after all the crying he had done, “The other word is stay, to hear the love I meant to say.” he softly sang, small hiccups can be heard.

He's really an idiot.

© LXKE 2024; please do not steal, translate, or repost my works as your own.

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