#My Gift To You/Earache My Eye

[rastronomicals]

10:29 PM EDT April 11, 2024:

Korn - "My Gift To You/Earache My Eye" From the album Follow the Leader (August 18, 1998)

Last song scrobbled from iTunes at Last.fm

Interpolating the Cheech & Chong bit as a hidden track

[the-midnight-blooms]

me and my husband | psh

pairing: CEO!park seonghwa x scientistwife!reader AU: modern au word count:  6.3k

masterlist

In the midst of a fragile soul dwindling under the aches of animosity, the married couple laid in bed with their backs facing each other. The husband, Park Seonghwa, an esteemed CEO of a pharmaceutical company ‘Park Pharmaceuticals.’ had the front board of the book lodged into the silk casing of his pillow with his other hand steadying it so he could still, quite painfully, scan his eyes over the text. Agitated, he got up with a grunt before sitting up to finish the chapter of his book. With his scientists publishing reports on the latest medicine they were developing, he immediately rushed back to his university textbooks to affirm he was still equipped with the necessary knowledge to understand the science. Meanwhile, Mrs Park- a research scientist at Park Pharmaceuticals' rival company, ‘Kim Pharma.’ was battling against her insomnia despite motherhood knocking her straight off her feet. Their daughter, Park Dami, was fast asleep in the room next door to Seonghwa’s study cuddling the little Toothless toy he had gifted her when she was still a cherub. It had seemed that Mrs Park was prone to falling asleep at the most odd times of day, whether it be during dinner or cleaning the home.

Perhaps it was the heartache she was suffering from. The love that she had held for her husband was a permanent fixture, a vow that she had promised not to break, and one she had not and never would for as long as she lived. However, the increasingly distant behaviour from her husband in light of his burgeoning role as CEO had her heart yearning for him. Being a mother was difficult and of course, so was Seonghwa’s job. Yet, he also had duties as husband and a father, which he seemed eager to abandon altogether.

“Why can’t you try to understand how difficult it is for me to do all of this? So much pressure at work, then I come to you going on about some stupid dinner with your parents!” He shouted, she flinched at the dissonance of his noxious tone reverberating off the walls of the small study- biting down at her lip.

“I’m sorry, I’ll leave.”

“Sorry, my arse. If you were sorry, you wouldn’t be fucking nagging in my ear all the time, would you?” He barked, as she sped out of the room. It had been three weeks since she had, politely and quietly, asked her husband if he was free to attend her mother’s dinner party. He refused, erratically, and despite having apologised with saccharine kisses and diligent promises, he didn’t turn up to dinner in the end.

“Oh he’s busy Mum. He’s seeing to some of the lab work, you know how stressful it was for me.” Her father complained light-heartedly, raising how unfair it was of him to neglect his family.

“Do you want to me have a chat with him? I can give him a good word.” Hastily, she steered her father away from that direction. The last thing she needed was Seonghwa to turn around and blame her for the earache her father would give.

With a relentless sigh, she sat up reaching for the bottle of water on the nightstand. His eyes flickered at her movements, lips moving up and down to form the shape of the words as he silently committed them to memory, forming judicious links between the knowledge and application.

“Seonghwa.” She called out for him, he hummed in return, barely reeling his eyes off the page. Please look at me. “I was thinking about going back to work again. I contacted my manager about restarting and at the moment I would only need to go in for about two days or so.” Shutting his book close, he finally met her stare, deep in contemplative thought.

“Do you think you can work and take care of Dami at the same time?” He questioned. She had thought about this several times before she dialled in her manager’s number. As much as she had inherited her father's kind-hearted nature, stunning beauty, and soft-spoken voice in the end it was the passivity she had drawn from her mother naturally rendering herself subservient to prioritise ones needs over her own. Essentially, if she had told Dami to keep her lips on a tight seal and remain of the sofa the whole day: she would.

“I’m sure I can as long as she's in sight. She'll be in nursery from September, so I'll be able to start work.” He fell a little quiet, turning to drop his book onto the night stand.

“Ok, if that’s what you want. If you need me to come home earlier, I mean I can’t at the moment, but in a few weeks time if you need me to-then I will.” Nodding, she sent him a grateful smile before sliding back under the covers to turn her night light off.

Her heels clicked, exasperatedly, on the porcelain white floor dashing straight through the double doors; her heart pounded furiously against her chest, a violent ache gnawing at her arteries. With her body almost barging into a number of figures, her anxious apologies echoed into the swamped corridors, in which her colleagues shook their tired heads in annoyance. Finally, reaching the top floor she scuttled out of the elevator catching the eyes of Mrs Lee.

"Lab coat, darling, lab coat." Squealing, she unbuttoned the off-white coat, scowling at the permanent pen marks and splashes of iodine before handing it to Mr Kim's assistant. Mrs Lee, threw the coat onto her seat, gesticulating for the young scientist to follow her. After a short knock, the heavy glass door was pushed open; several pairs of eyes darting their way.

"Ah, Miss Cheong! How nice of you to join us!" Hongjoong exclaimed, a teasing glint in his eyes that wanted to make her wipe the smirk of his lips.

"My apologies, Mr Kim, we ran into a problem down at the lab." She explained, a blush forging on her cheeks as a grave set of eyes burned into her skin.

"No worries. This is Miss Cheong, she will be our project lead on the next Kim-Park program." The Kim-Park program was founded by Kim Hongjoong of Kim Pharma and Park Seonghwa of Park Pharmaceuticals. With both companies leading the pharmaceutical industry, both founders decided in order to produce a greater economic boom, and serve an excellent supply chain of mandatory medicine; both of their greatest minds could work together to create poignant breakthroughs in the scientific sector. After all, the two companies had the countries top scientists working for them but together they could very well improve the nature of modern medicine. Hence, today both CEO’s came together for a kick off meeting establishing the blueprint for their next, biggest projects.

"'No worries?'" A derisive voice arose from across the room, where she snapped her head to find a man with wide eyes and thin-rimmed square glasses that sat at the bridge of his long nose, staring back at her. His long, slicked back hair that fell past his ears as he, mockingly, cocked his head to the side in amusement. "I didn't know Kim Pharma tolerated tardiness, Mr Kim." Returning his stare back to Hongjoong, he raised an eyebrow anticipating his answer.

“What was the problem down at the lab?”

“House fire." She retorted, "And I had to assign interns some lab work. Kim Pharma doesn't tolerate tardiness Mr Park but your project manager doesn't seem to be here? We'd have valued him being present at the kick off meeting." His face heated red in embarrassment as he gritted his teeth.

Park Seonghwa was insufferable.

The worst thing about him wasn't even that he was pedantic and scrutinised her work with a keen eye, or that his sharp attention-to-detail left her wanting to force him to chug a beaker of concentrated hydrochloric acid. It was that under his strictly co-ordinated demeanour, he was a beautiful man blessed with an angel's aura. It was that he was tall and that his voice could hypnotise her; send her lunging over a precipice into the expanse of uncharted oceans. At times his allure had her wanting to excuse her pathetic hatred. They bickered at every meeting, every email was sent with 'Regards' rather than 'Kind Regards'. It wasn't long before the bickering had transgressed to shouting in the boardroom as he began to question her teachings, snickering at every intellectual point she made as if she had not graduated from university with the same degree as himself.

"You forgot to add that cisplatin is a cis isomer." He stated, as she sat across from her in his office. This time, she didn't bother to retain herself from rolling her eyes. "A problem, Miss Cheong?"

"Who's reading this report, Mr Park? A high school student or the manufacturer? Any man with common sense and college level chemistry knows that cisplatin is a cis isomer. Do you want me to also write down that it has a square planar shape with a bond angle of 90 degrees?" She snapped, leaning back in her chair with a disgusted look. He smirked taking off his glasses, cleaning the lens with the hem of his blazer sleeve. Dear god. Sedate me.

"No, but you do need to explain how cisplatin works in detail. It only works as cis isomer, not trans. You didn't specify that."

"You're incredibly pedantic." Pushing his glasses up the bridge of his perfectly defined nose, the smirk remained fixed on his lips. "I'm not surprised people are handing in resignations, at your company, every week."

"They can leave if they wish, lazy people don't contribute to Park Pharmaceuticals' success." Oh and he was cocky too. As well as being a pretty face full of wits, Park Seonghwa was also wrought with egotism that made her want to wrangle his gorgeous, slender neck. "Have you ever considered joining our company?" A snicker escaped from her lips which eventually transcended into a laughter that wholly baffled him.

"I'm afraid I'd be a part of that sorry statist-,"

"I'm sorry for being an arsehole, Miss Cheong. Can I make it up to you?" And when she questioned him how he would make it up to her, he proposed the idea of a date. All he wanted was her, regardless of her much she was everything he was not. “Go on a date with me, please.” He blurted, with her feet rooted to the ground and lips falling into a thin line his heart palpitated within his chest. He sought the way her hair fell over her shoulders in light waves having ripped it from its knot after she walked out of the lab. Her pink lips were practically begging to be touched by his, he wanted to soothe the symphony of weary sighs that dispersed from her, and the headache that wracked her brain from his abstruse behaviour. Above all, he was falling in love with Miss Cheong because he despised her in such a paradoxical way. He hated the way she was smarter than him and beautiful in the way that she must have been carved from the clouds of heaven.

It often made her giggle at Hongjoong's astonishment when she handed him the wedding invitation. His excitement when he ripped open the seal to read Seonghwa's name as the groom, dropped the smile from his face as he looked at his college friend.

"You're marrying the enemy?" She shook her head at him, almost scolding him for deeming Seonghwa the 'enemy'. "This isn't what I meant when I said 'Fuck Park Seonghwa." Lobbing the pillow at his head, he dramatically sunk into his sofa as their childlike laughter eructed into the blithe atmosphere.

It had felt like a distant dream now, to be loved and adored in the ways that he once did. To be held as if every touch was their last, to be kissed as if their lips would never meet again and they were lovers in the midst of an age-old war that would tear their nimble hearts apart. To have her husband again and not a dispassionate demon who tore past the gates of hell and inflict all the condemned’s curses on her.

Giving you my all, giving you my everything. Laying my life down at your feet, stripping myself of my own honour just to feel something by you. A glance, a breath, a sigh. You tell me to leave- I don’t mean anything to you anymore.

"Hwa, you could have at least told me you weren't going to go in the first place. Then I wouldn't have gone to the company party." Sat at the foot of the bed, he pulled the jumper over his torso, pulling his trapped hair out from the neck hole. He bit his tongue as his wife rebuked him for his absence, once again. "Do you know how humiliating it was for me to be the only one sat without her husband there?"

"I told you I was going to run late."

"You were four hours late, and you're a half an hour drive to the office! Why didn't you say no, in the first place?" Tearing the earring out from her lobe, she sunk into the chair trying her hardest to not slip into tears; the sympathetic stares of hundreds etched into her memory. How stupid did she look for being dressed so ostentatiously, when the real jewel was not even in her possession? The clatter of pearls emptied into the drawers, hands buried into palm of her hands closing her eyes to relive the myriad of dejection. They never said marriage was this painful. Hard, yes. But not painful. "Hwa, do you love me?" She inquired, turning around in her seat.

"What?"

"It's as simple as you think. Do. You. Love. Me?" Her voice wavered as she asked him, the distant stare in his eyes revealed answers to the questions that she did not want answered.

“If I didn’t love you, I wouldn’t have married you. Or given you a beautiful daughter. I miss one, silly, company event and you start throwing a tantrum.”

“This isn’t the first time you’ve completely abandoned me!” Her shout restituted off the thin light blue walls, jumping from her seat at his petty arguments. “You are such a terrible husband and you make me feel trapped in this marriage!”

“And you fucking suffocate me! You suffocate me!” He roared across the room, his strident tone penetrating through her, grazing down the surface of her heart. Rupturing the weak seams that held it together. Stumbling backwards, her palms gripped onto the mahogany table; shaking, biting down her lip to prevent a sob from escaping. "The only time I felt like I could ever breathe, in this marriage, was when I was not with you. When I was at work, or with the others, or just anywhere else. But never with you." Dipping her head, away from him, she shut her eyes as tight as she could.

"Please stop." she whispered, a plead so quiet it almost went unspoken. Yet Seonghwa heard it anyway because no matter how angry he was, their souls were still intertwined. Their hearts beat as one, they were uniform, one whole being. Slowly, he treaded towards her, mimicking the dip of head.

"Why? Can't you take the truth?" he mocked. Full tears pooled in her eyes, her chest burning from holding in her breath. "I should divorce you." He proclaimed, without a stutter. That was enough to break her. An obnoxious wail infiltrated into the void of the room. Was that what he wanted? To provoke some sort of emotion from her to satisfy his ego? He scoffed, before darting from the room-slamming the door shut behind him. Wrought with tears she trudged to her bed, slipping under the covers; sobbing herself unconscious.

"Mummm. Ammiii. Ammaaa." A small voice whispered, the softness soothing the persisting ache in her chest. Holding back the smile ready to break through, she fixed her eyes shut waiting to see what her daughter would do next.

"Dami, let your mother sleep. Come on." The urge to smile had dropped instantaneously, the familiar sense of forlorn gushing into her again; his sweet, addictive voice puncturing holes into her heart.

"I'm hungry." She could hear the pout on her daughter's lips. Huffing, she groaned loudly snapping at her daughters attention, who jumped up and down in excitement of her mother awaking. Reaching out for her child, she picked her up settling her down on her laps. "Mama, I'm hungry." She squeaked.

"Have you washed up yet?" She shook her head. "Ok, let me go to the bathroom first. Then I'll help you."

"I'll help her wash up." Seonghwa offered. Refusing to look at him, she simply gave him a curt nod, the sight of his face wanting to make her erupt into a fit of sobs.

"I promise I'll never make you cry." He had promised, before their marriage. They sat under the stars, the cool wind brushing at their cheeks. Astronomy books sat scattered around her as she attempted to map out constellations in the beaming night.

"And if you do?" She challenged, playfully smirking. With a cute frown he gave her a nudge.

"I promise I won't but in the 0.00001 percent chance that I do, then you should leave me. You’re worth more than the moon to me, and to hurt you is the deadliest sin I can commit." He immediately leaned forward to swoop her into a deep kiss- both of them smiling as they did. The memory of his now-broken promise brought tears to her eyes again. Tightly pressing her palm to her mouth, to hold back her cries, she sucked in yet another breath. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this.

Gripping onto the bathroom sink until her knuckles bled white, her knees hit the floor. Nicking the handle of the tap- tears freely flowed down her cheeks as the water rushed through the basin at rapid speed. I want my baby back.

Feeling the heavy burden of a collapsing marriage, her shoulders sunk as she chopped at the onions, preparing their dinner. Dami sat on the stool by the kitchen island, with her mini crayons scribbling over the pictures in the colouring book.

“Mama, why did Appa sleep in my room yesterday?” Scraping the onions into the pan, she grabbed the wooden spoon to stir it.

“He was missing his little princess. He wasn’t causing you trouble, was he?” She teased, sending her a forced smile. God, it was becoming increasingly difficult to stay happy. To smile was to pain her cheeks, they felt more contented relaxed than to uplift and radiate an aura of joy that didn’t seem to exist within her anymore.

“He’s so big, I fell off bed.” She snorted, laughing at her child’s proclamation. It was not long before a thought occurred to her that whenever they slept in the same bed- it was always her that took up the most room-rather than him. A fond memory occurred to her, specifically a night where her body was plastered to his.

“Ah, jagi, can you move a little? I’m up against the window?” Her body shuffled slightly to the left, giving him room to breathe a little bit more. “Thank god.” He huffed out a sigh of relief, her lips fell into a pout- as she rolled further away from him towards the edge of the bed. If space was what he wanted, then she was going to give it to him. Seonghwa’s arm outstretched for her, the cold air battering his skin was no comfort, he wanted her again. A tantalising laugher infiltrated the air, he shuffled closer to her pressing his lips to the top of her head.

“Never mind I need my cuddly bunny.” He sang, nestling his face into the crook of her neck. Now, she couldn’t remember the last time he had held her so close to himself. If anything, he needed the space now and rested just less than a metre apart from her each night.

“It was nice! Appa is a teddy bear.”

“Am I, my princess?” Turning away from the doorway, she opened the cupboard to reach for the spices, shielding her melancholic face away from him. The sweet dissonance of giggling entered her ears, if he had no love to spare for her at least he had enough to spare for his daughter. “Ahem, I’m going on a business dinner tonight.”

“Ok.” Seonghwa watched her, resting his hand on the top of his daughter’s head who went straight back to colouring in the flowers in her book-switching to a pink crayon at that. “What time will you be home?” He shrugged, then quickly noticed that with her back to him she wouldn’t see.

“I don’t know. Don’t wait up.” How could he say that knowing that there wasn’t a night in their marriage where she didn’t sit patiently on the sofa, waiting for him to come back home. Even on the days where he warned her he’d be back a lot later than usual. Regardless, she’d stay plastered to the sofa switching from the tv, to her phone, to a random book-eyes continuously flickering to clock- skipping to the kitchen to shove snacks into her mouth, as she’d never eat without him.

The urge to erupt into a fit of sobs inclined, chewing on her lip violently provided her with enough solace to finish making dinner, feed her daughter and put her to bed. Then at last, when she closed the curtains to her bedroom, a hushed cry escaped her; spending the rest of her night as she did prior, wailing and wailing until fatigue had lulled her weary heart to sleep. The creak of the door went unnoticed to her, Seonghwa crept in; her sleeping figure rested in the bed, the comforter dragged over her head. He sighed, contemplating whether to slip beside her or retreat back to Dami’s room for the night.

This sequence continued for the next few weeks, every night she would cry herself to sleep and Seonghwa would sleep in Dami’s bed. It wasn’t even their room at this point, it was hers with Seonghwa’s things in it-just like her flat pre-marriage. Her room with Seonghwa’s books, few pieces of clothes and odd bits of trinkets. One morning she woke up to find a stack of papers on her nightstand. Fear coursed through her blood, were these the divorce papers that he had suggested to her? Rifling through the papers, her heart soothed as soon as she realised they were just Dami’s crayon drawings. Stick figures of Appa, Amma, and little Dami in the middle. Drawings of flowers, then one just of Amma and Appa, a big heart between them. If only that were true. If only his heart still beat for her the same way hers beat for him.

She heard his voice trail out of the study, as she almost raised her hands to knock and summon him downstairs for lunch. The rapid muttering halted her movements, instead she tentatively pressed her ears against the door to assess the situation.

“Yes, honey, I’ll be there soon…She’s pissing me off right now. I’m trying to get the papers set at the moment…I don’t know about a few more weeks?” Slapping her hand to her mouth, she squeezed her lips shut to prevent any pained sounds from releasing. Honey? There was another woman? And the papers? Was he really, truly, trying to divorce her? Rushing to the bathroom, she slammed the door shut, flipping the tap back open to relive the same endless cycle.

“I’m going on a work trip to Japan, for a week. We have an important business meeting. I might need you take care of Dami by yourself.” His head snapped from up Dami’s unfinished Lego project. She’d fallen asleep when playing, so her father took it upon herself to finish building the set.

“You should have asked me beforehand. You can’t just accept to go offshore, and then give me a week’s notice.” He scolded, playing with the pink block between his fingers.

“I only got told today. I tried to call you whilst I was still in office, but I couldn’t get through to you.” Sighing, his shoulders slumped as he shook his head in disappointment. It appeared that Mrs Park was also refraining important matters from her husband; making decisions of her own that they promised they’d always make together. An uncomfortable silence remained suspended in the tense air, shifting uncomfortably in her spot as she awaited for him to say something else. Even if it was to belittle her, she urged to hear the sound of his voice.

“If you cared enough about me, you’d know I’m busy too.” Chewing down on her lip, she held back a painful sigh. There it is. “We’ll be with my parents for a week while you’re gone. When’s your flight?”

“Sunday night.” Nodding, he scooped up the remaining pieces on the floor pouring them back into the packet before getting up himself. “I’ll pick you up from the airport.”

The work trip to Japan was just as tranquil as she anticipated, the host company was as hospitable as they could be. The days were cut short, the air silent subsiding one into deep thought, even if they denied themselves the pleasures of having to think. With her knees tucked up to her chest, she stared out onto the vast market of skyscrapers, the teeming arena beneath contributing the noises that fell deaf at her ears. She needed to leave the home, its confining airs strangling the lumen of her windpipe. She didn't exactly know what to do now that it was confirmed: Seonghwa did not love her. The declaration was enough to send her into delirium, enough to have her jolting up at night; drowning in cold sweats, preaching his name like a mantra. The flight home did not come soon enough, she boarded the plane with such eagerness and drenched even further in pain when she was assigned the seat next to her colleague and her husband.

Nervously, she dialled in his number once more hurriedly, tapping her feet against the cobbled footpath; her free hand latched onto the sweaty handle of the suitcase. Pick up, pick up, pick up. Being met by the voicemail service was disheartening, wrapping her arms around herself as the wind blew harsh against her skin sending a ripple of goosebumps over her.

"Mrs Park, is your taxi late?" Whipping her head around to find her colleague, she shook her head in dismay. "Do you need a lift? We don't live too far from each other."

Pushing through the large wooden gates of his childhood home, she adjusted the straps of her back pack lifting her head to find the blaring of orange lights through the slits between the window blinds. A small bustle of activity could be heard from the other end, tentatively, her fingers rose to provoke the silver door knocker.

"I'll get the door!" His voice floated through the surface, reaching out to caress the aches on her skin bruised wholly by him. As soon as their eyes met across the doorway, the smile was wiped clean from his lips. “Oh god, I’m sorry, it had completely slipped my mind-,”

“You don’t forget things, Hwa. The truth is: it didn’t slip from your mind, you just didn’t care.” You haven’t cared about me for a very long time. You haven’t loved me in a long time. I am no longer your wife but just Dami’s mother, to you. Though some sort of vile emotion named fear had prevented her from saying those words, becoming lodged at the crux of her throat, floating on the tip of her tongue.

The worst thing was, he didn’t say anything. He was silent, unwilling to reckon against her and fight for their marriage again. When did he become so passive? Up until now, when was there a day in their relationship when he didn’t fight to keep her at his side? Trudging into the household, the warmth lacerated her skin, taking off her shoes as the pattering of small feet came her way. A small body engulfed her larger frame, the delightful giggles of her daughter infiltrated her ears as her mother finally came home to her.

"We ate sooo much food. We had tteokbokki, dakgalbi, ramen. Halmeoni tried to make me eat yaksik but it was nasty." Letting out a tired moan she fell onto the floorboard, Dami crawling on top of her, as her mother-in-law stuffed her with enough food to last her a century.

"Ugh, Dami. Please get off Amma, my tummy is going to explode."

"Halmeoni! Amma ate too much!"

"Your Amma didn't eat enough!" Eomeonim shouted back from the kitchen. Seonghwa ambled into the room settling a cup of green tea in front of her, whilst simultaneously lifting Dami from her stomach. There was an uncomfortable silence amongst them as their daughter, oblivious to the obvious tension between her parents, entertained them nevertheless by dancing around the room and singing. He left the room in between to see to his mother in the kitchen. Feeling terrible for leaving her to tend to the mound of dishes, she carried behind walking straight into the enemy's territory.

“Are you stupid, boy? How could you even suggest a divorce?” She hissed. “It was only yesterday when you came running to me, with your eyes so full of love. Where is that love now?”

“People change.” He deadpanned, hot tears fulfilled her eyes, blurring her vision as she rushed back to the front room.

“We’re going, now!” She ordered, a pout on her daughter’s face grazed the surface of her heart. She couldn’t stand here, and hear her husband declare that he didn’t love her anymore. She couldn’t watch the love of her life slip from the tips of her fingers, whilst she sunk beneath the earth under her feet. She grabbed his car keys, from his jacket. “We’re going home, eomeonim. I need to go into the office, tomorrow. Thank you so much for taking care of Dami.” Kissing the top of her mother’s head, she slipped on her shoes before carrying Dami out of the home. Seonghwa followed hot on her heels.

“Where do you think you’re going at this time of night?”

“Home, Hwa.” The lock clicked out of the place, she jerked open the car door to fasten her daughter into the seat ignoring her cries and pleads to stay at her grandmother’s. “Dami! Quiet!” She roared, the same way Seonghwa would shout at her for nights on end for doing nothing other than being his wife.

“Stop acting like a child and come back inside right now!” He commanded.

“I won’t, Hwa. Because the next time I go back in and let myself be hurt by you, I’ll have no one to blame but me.” He fell quiet, swallowing the heavy lump in his throat. “I am the still the girl who would wait nights for her husband to come home to her. But you are no longer the boy that would walk straight into her arms.” Choking on her sobs, she jerked open the car door to slip inside, her daughter calling out for her father. After all, they were the same woman. Both so utterly in love with the same man that could not love them both in the ways one could dream of being in love. For being in love with him was asking for annihilation, his devotion unreachable like the stars studded in the midnight sky. Was he not made from the stars? An angel borne from light, whose banner was a celestial plane that would diminish the human essence in a heartbeat? Steering the car out of his driveway, Seonghwa stood plastered to the floor a single tear dropping from his eye as he felt his soul meander away from him.

That night, when they reached home, Dami was tight in her arms after having cried the whole journey home from missing her father. Eventually, exhaustion overpowered her and she reluctantly slept in her mother’s arms. She was so sure now that her daughter thought she was the villain for ripping her away from her father. Nuzzling her small face deeper into her mother’s neck, she felt her bottom lip tremble as she called out for her father.

There was no need to frantically run to the post box every time a letter slipped through, meeting the ground with a loud thud. Though, she did it anyway, with little Dami scuttling behind her as if she was expecting a letter herself though deep down Mrs Park knew that she wanted her Appa to come home. It had been a month having not heard back from him. No messages or calls. After work, she ventured over to his office only to be turned away by his assistant; catching a quick glance at his shadow through his window.

“I have to make an appointment to see my own husband?” She uttered through gritted teeth, though the woman in front merely nodded, disinterestedly. “When is Mr Park next available?” The jarring clatter against the keyboard gnawed at her ear drums, annoyance fulfilling her.

Fuck this. Rushing to the handle of his door, she keeled it open storming inside-the loud slam of the door jumping him up from where he sat in his seat. The assistant rushed behind, squawking about how she had to leave.

“Cilla, it’s ok. Go do your job.” He ordered, softly with his eyes fixated on his wife. She didn’t expect him to look this way, the clean, composed Seonghwa now with tousled hair and small dark circles under his eyes. Eyes bloodshot red as if he had been crying for weeks on end, exhaustion piling in them. His sunken face as if he had not eaten for weeks-Seonghwa, not eating? The same man who used to kiss her hands and go for seconds, claiming there must have been some magic in them for she made such delicious food?

“Dami is getting upset. She misses her Dad. The least you could is come home and see her, so she doesn’t think that her father abandoned her too.”

“I’ve been busy-,”

“You’ll always be busy, Hw-Seonghwa. But not busy enough that you can’t spare an hour or two to see your daughter.” She spat, storming straight out of his office, sending the assistant a dirty look on her way to the elevator.

“Appa!” Dami’s animated tone weighed down her father’s heart, his arms wide open as she jumped into them. Fixing her spot by the kitchen doorway she watched as her husband played with her daughter. After a few hours, when they had put Dami to sleep, they sat with each other in the front room Seonghwa pulling out an envelope from his work satchel.

“The-uh- papers. Divorce papers.” A pang struck through her, hands shaking as she reached out for them.

“As her mother, I’ll have custody over her. You should be allowed to see her every week, so maybe the weekend?” Her voice quivered, slightly as she opened up the seal of the envelope, its woody scent wafting up her nose. With little energy, to pull out the form- she settled it onto the coffee table. “We’ll move to my mother’s house…” She trailed off biting down on her lip as Seonghwa closed his eyes shut.

“That’s fine. You can just post it to the lawyer. I’d like to see Dami at my office next week, could you do that?” Nodding diligently, she owed him that much. He’d be counting down the days soon until he’d rarely see his daughter. How would they tell her Amma and Appa weren’t as happy as they were in the drawings?

Her eyes scoured over the woman sat in front of him, as she opened the door to his office. God, she was beautiful with her long, black, silky hair, siren eyes, her chic office look. Everything she was not, though she had managed to pick herself up and put a lot more effort than she usually did with her fitted suit, hair tied back into a sleek bun-held up by the closest pen she could find on her dressing table since her silver claw clip was nowhere in sight. Was she the woman he was going to leave her for? She couldn’t even blame him at this point, why keep something expired when you could throw it away and have something new? Gripping onto the straps of her handbag, she slowly let go of her daughter’s hand who ran to her father’s side.

“Gaeun, this is my wife Mrs Park.” Timidly, she shook her hand. Gaeun saw Mrs Park as an intimidating woman, with her silent face as she ambled into the room with her daughter, her neat hair, pointed heels and tailored skirt that accentuated her curves. She matched Mr Park’s daunting presence perfectly, and of course her intelligence was known to all as well as her insistence to remain at his rivals’ company. “Dear, this is Gaeun- she’s one of the project leads on the next Kim-Park collaboration.”

“I see.” Her head picked up, giving both parties a short nod before leaving the office. She reckoned there was enough to time to make it to her own company and break down in the toilets before beginning the work day.

The rain thundered down from the sky on a solemn afternoon, the clatter of dishes being returned to the cupboards entailing the home; followed the thundering knock at the door. Peeking into the peep hole, she swung the door open, she pulled her husband in immediately rushing around him as he jerked off his shoes.

“Into the shower now.” Without hesitation, he grabbed his clothes from her bedroom before soundlessly making his way into the shower. She only assumed he had come to their home for the signed papers, it had been a while since he’d given them to her; though all she could think about was the way her pen could not even touch the sheet. The door to the study creaked open, as she bit her lip with the unsigned line glaring back at her.

“I haven’t- I haven’t signed the paper, yet.” His breath hitched in his throat, inching closer and closer to her. With the tickle in her throat pervasive, the pen neared the line her heart shattering with every second that her hands rebuked the damned sheet in front. How did she even do her signature?

“I’m sorry that you fell in love with me. I’m sorry that you married me. I’m sorry that I’m not enough. I’m sorry that I couldn’t be the perfect wife for you.” She blurted, the pen falling from her fingers onto the table. He called out her name, drawing forward arms outstretched to encircle her into him. To hold her as tight and as true as she deserved. To fulfil her of kisses that he had deprived her of, to ease her of her pain. Though she stopped him in his tracks, with a palm to censor his movements. “No, Hwa. I haven’t been enough for you for a very long time. I must have done something wrong for you to hurt me like this. I must have done something much worse than what you’ve done to me. I just wished you spoke to me than gave me this stupid sheet and trying to end us in a single heartbeat.” An agonising wail left her lips, as she dropped to the floor tucking up her knees to her chest. Her lungs burned, desperate for air running her fingers through her hair as she slowly breathed out to ease the throbbing sensation loitering at her temples. He sunk to the floor with her, engulfing her frame within his. His jumper so soft, drenched in the scent that she adored. The same scent that he wore when they first met. Her bottom lip quivered again.

“You did nothing, it was all me. I forgot who I was, I forgot it was you who gave me life.” Her tears stained his shirt, he held her closer to his body. “I came to here to change your mind. I didn’t want you to sign those papers. I was so scared you had.” Their bodies rocked back and forth as the painful sound of her sobbing gradually declined.

“I couldn’t do it.” She whispered, her throat sore from this prolonging nightmare. Kissing away her tears, his fingers gently tilted up her head so he could bore his eyes in her beautiful ones. “I just need to know if there’s another woman. If there is, and you love her the same way you loved me, you can have her.”

“There was never another woman. It was always you I swear.” He pledged, as his own tears rushed down his face tickling his jawline before pattering carefully on his sweater. “I was just a poor excuse of a man, a poor excuse of a husband. I admit that I felt like you’d never leave me, but when I realised you really could it hurt me so much.” Drawing lines over his sweatshirt she listened to the sweet sound of his voice whisper into her ears.

“I’ll be a better man. I’ll work on me, and you can just keep on being a great wife and mother.” Their lips met in a frenzy of emotions, their palpitating hearts enamouring their befallen entities as passionate kisses filled the wounds that penetrated through them. His hands snaked around her waist, as hers ran through his long hair emitting a husky groan out of him. “Do you think Dami would like a sibling?” He joked, before being met by whack to the back of his head, they deepened the kiss before she happily rested her head against his chest.

“Maybe, but not now. Right now, you need to come home to us.”

“It’s just you and me now. Nothing’s going to hurt you baby.”

All Right Reserved © the-midnight-blooms

DO NOT REPOST, TRANSLATE, REPURPOSE, OR PLAGISRISE ANY OF THE WORK HERE

cheong meaning 'quiet' 'eomeonim' means mother-in-law (husband's side) 'halmeoni' means grandma

A/N: i'm sorry if the ending seems a bit rushed, i'm going on some meds soon and i have no idea how shit i'm gonna feel while on them. wanted to update in case i have no energy to release something else for a while😖 Hope you guys liked this one! ✨✨

let me know if you’d like to be added to the tag list for any future fics I post!

tags: @n0v4t33z @potatos-on-clouds @jjongwho

[icefire149]

Tearing Apart At The Seams

(Read on Ao3 | Story warning: temporary major character death)

Overwhelmed was an understatement. Despite spending the car ride with her stare glued out the window in silence, Mary felt like an exposed nerve that had been thrashed with steel wool. If she closed her eyes she could still see things as she knew it: a house with a yard, laughter bouncing off the walls, toy cars on stair steps, hope in the mirror reflection. Her life wasn’t perfect, but it was hers.

Everything was wrong. The last thing she remembered was running into Sam’s nursery, but now, here she was standing in 2016 because God’s sister said so. Her chest felt incredibly tight. The man behind the steering wheel – no, Dean. She had to keep reminding herself – was peeking at her out of the corner of his eye every so many minutes.

She still didn’t know what to make of him. He knew the right stories. He was the right age. But….how could she swap the Dean she tucked into bed hours ago for this hardened stranger?

“It won’t be long,” Dean said, breaking the silence. “We should only be about a day behind Sam and Cas.”

Mary nodded, feeling chilled. The thought of seeing what became of her baby was horrifying. He wasn’t even a toddler yet, and now…..

Her arms ached for her baby, but she couldn’t break now. It wasn’t safe yet. Turning to look at Dean, she asked an unexpected question. “Who’s Cas?”

Dean didn’t take his eyes off the road, but his expression softened. He laughed, “He’s….Cas. He’s my best friend.”

“Oh.”

His shoulders relaxed as he leaned back more comfortably in his seat. “He lives at the bunker with me and Sammy. That’s where we’re going. It’s home.”

“The….bunker?”

“Yeah,” Dean’s tone was fond. “It’s a long story.”

“So it’s an actual bunker?”

Dean tapped his fingers on the steering wheel. “Yup.”

The rest of the drive went by without another word. Mary honestly didn’t know what to say. For the most part she just wanted to sleep and hopefully wake back up in 1983.

“Home sweet home,” Dean mumbled as they parked in the garage.

Mary was stunned by the collection of cars there. She actually felt a spark of excitement at the possibility of taking one of them out for a spin.

Slowly, she followed Dean inside. He nearly bounced down the steps, he was eager to get to where ever he was heading.

“Sammy!” Dean called. “Cas!”

Dean only took a few steps into the main room before whipping around on his heels. "Something's wrong," he said pulling his gun out. "Stay put."

He quickly disappeared down a hallway at the other end of the room. Mary didn't stray too far. What she could see was enough. Books and papers were scattered on the floor. There were drops of blood near the tables. The toe of her boot connected with an odd silver blade.

She picked it up, studying and turning it over in her hands. It wasn't cold like metal usually was. There was a warmth that felt like something more than what was left from whoever held it last. It was strange, but Mary wasn't going to look a gift horse in the mouth. Dean hadn't trusted her with a weapon, but fate did. Her fingers curled around the hilt; she wasn't letting go until Dean gave the all clear.

When she turned around, one of the walls had some kind of sigil drawn in blood. She shivered, already assuming the worst.

Home was supposed to be safe. This was supposed to be a home. The memory of blood twisted her gut. She lost her parents at home. She lost John....her babies..…

A voice deep down in her core screamed at her to run. She caught a flash of movement out of the corner of her eye. Spinning, she saw a man stalking towards her.

"Is he still here?" His voice boomed, and Mary couldn't stop her eyes from instinctually glancing at the door Dean went through.

She didn’t know enough about this place to form a strategic plan. How many exits, if any, were down that hallway? Was Dean on his way back? Could he hear her if she ran or screamed?

Catching herself, Mary glued her stare onto the man. His steps slowed, but his piercing blue eyes were fixed on her as well. The way he moved, she realized, he was aiming to go past her around the tables. Mary started side stepping slowly to meet him step for step until there was only a large table between them.

She could tell that his mouth was moving, but all Mary could hear was her own heartbeat pounding in her ears. The longer she looked at him, the more convinced she was that he wasn't human at all.

Swallowing, her own spit went down like a rock. The air in the room started to crackle like it was electrifying. The man-shaped thing slammed his hands on the table, and she jumped. Her eyes darted again towards the doorway.

The image of her Dean with chocolate smeared cheeks blended into the stranger who tapped his fingers on the steering wheel hours ago while he quietly sang along to the radio under his breath. Stepping backwards, the heel of her boot alarmingly slid an inch. She didn't need to look down to know it was blood. Her lungs refused to take another breath. She could practically see Sammy swaddled in his baby blanket and his chubby, pink cheeks. The tightness in her chest felt like it was moments away from popping like a balloon.

The creature's mouth was still moving. He leaned forward. Hands still on the table. His eyes glowed an unnatural blue, and all Mary could see was the moment her dad’s eyes flashed yellow. She threw the blade.

It hit, burying deep into his abdomen and knocking him staggering backwards. The creature ripped it out, blood running down his hand like ribbons tying around his fingers. His hand shook, sending the blade clattering to the floor.

Mary stepped around the table, eyeing the thing cautiously. She could see that he held a hand against his stomach, but there was also a blue-white glow emanating from the wound. A shiver crawled up her spine, making the hair on her arms stand up. There was not a single monster that she could think of that bled both blood and light.

The creature fell to a shaky knee. A sheen of sweat on his forehead was visible in the light as he tilted his head up. He made no move to pick up the blade, but his eyes bore into her challengingly.

She couldn’t understand him. Mary’s eyebrows pushed together, studying him. He was going to let her kill him. Whether it was a trick or not, she couldn’t risk wasting this opportunity. Mary snatched the blade up, and drove it deep into his chest.

The only fight he gave back was the hard push he gave her, sending her flying across the room. Mary couldn’t see him from where she landed because of the table, but the room filled with that blue-white light. It was blinding, and the air felt like it was being completely sucked out of the room.

Mary opened her eyes to see scattered papers lightly floating down to the floor. The air had settled and she gasped for a deep breath. The strange light was finally gone. She got herself up, and hesitantly crossed the room.

Her hip cracked painfully into the table the moment she realized what she was seeing burned around the body: wings. “Dean!”

The word left her lips before her brain even caught up that she just called for her son. The next thing Mary knew, she was standing in the doorway Dean left through. Her hands trembled, but her mind kept circling around the fact that she called out to her four year old for help.

“Mom?” A rough voice called out far away. On coming footsteps echoed down the hall. “Mom!”

Her heart sank. Of course it was the Dean who walked away with a gun aimed high. “There’s….there’s a body in here,” Mary’s voice shook.

Dean sprinted down the hallway with eyes wide with fear. “Where is it?” he demanded.

Mary nodded in the direction of the table, and Dean pushed past her. His gun hit the floor with a loud crack. He froze in place half way to the body.

“Dean?” Mary stepped forward to see his jaw hanging open. Dean’s bottom lip trembled, and tears started running down his cheeks. She suddenly felt painfully cold.

Dean surged forward, dropping to the ground next to the body. Carefully, he pulled the blade out and tossed it aside.

Mary came closer, but at the same time continued to keep her distance. Her hands clutched the lip of the table.

“You stupid, son of a bitch,” Dean muttered quietly. He placed a shaky hand on the creature’s chest, closing his eyes like he was still trying to feel for a heartbeat. A sob tore through him. His fingers curled in the drying blood and the fabric of the white button up shirt. “I could go with you… you dumb bastard. You didn’t even fight back, did you?”

Dean pulled the body into his lap, cradling him. Gently, he brushed some of the hair sticking to the creature’s forehead back. Dean’s hand pressed the creature’s head into the crook of his neck. Tears started pouring, and his whole expression crumbled in silent despair.

Finally, Mary could see traces of the son she rocked for hours during his earaches and colds. She could see crystal clear the day Dean’s little hand slipped from hers at the supermarket. Not once was she willing to admit it, but she never knew how much time had passed before she realized that her hand was hot and clammy only from the warm day. When she found him, he was sitting with the potted plants bawling his eyes out. That night he’d confessed that he thought he’d never see her ever again.

Here Dean was decades later, but Mary recognized the way his face was falling apart. It was no different.

“Dean, who is that?”

Like he just realized that she was there, Dean’s eyes snapped over to her. His mouth quivered. “He’s my…..” His grip on the creature tightened.

“He’s not human,” the words slipped from her lips. She was still finding it hard not to focus on the massive wings burned into the floor.

“He’s an angel,” Dean snapped forcefully. “Castiel….”

"Oh." The word punctured her chest. "He's Cas."

Her knees tried to buckle, but Mary's knuckles were white from holding onto the table so tightly. She'd only been here for a day, and she did this.

She couldn't look away. Dean rocked like he did the day he tore his knee open in the street. He clutched onto the angel for dear life like she did when she held John's lifeless body.

An icy feeling crept up her spine. The glazed look in his eyes never left her. As much as they disagreed and marched in different directions, her hand always ached for his. It throbbed now like it was seeking a lifeline that it was never going to find again. Especially now with angel blood crusting under her nails.

She needed space. Air. Something. Mary’s legs wobbled under her, but she pushed on ahead keeping a hand on the wall when she disappeared down the hall way. She needed the images cycling through her head to stop.

Mary breathed a sigh of relief when she reached the kitchen. The air felt cooler and less stifling. The hum of the refrigerator was familiar enough she could close her eyes a moment, leaning against the counter. She needed to get her head screwed on right.

There was nothing she could do for…...now, and if he wasn’t responsible for the mess and Sam’s disappearance, who was? Where did he go? Dean needed a clear head.

First things first, she needed to scrub her hands. The blood wasn’t too stained into her fingertips yet. A deep exhale left her slowly as the water ran clear down the drain. Glancing around, she spotted a pale yellow hand towel in reach. She dried her hands, stopping only to get a better look at the bee embroidered to the bottom of the towel. It was unexpected, but well made.

Tossing it aside on the counter, Mary turned the water back on. She leaned forward, ducking her head into the sink and taking a long drink. Once she felt more alert, she realized that Dean, like it or not, he was going to need some water.

Her hand shook carrying the glass while she retraced her steps. Mary wasn’t sure what she would find when she made it back. Holding her breath, she found Dean in the same spot. His eyes were squeezed shut, but his mouth was moving silently.

“Are you….praying?” Her head crooked to the side as she stopped with in reach of him. She felt antsy to be standing this close to the wings.

Dean opened his eyes. “Chuck’s put him back together before,” his voice croaked. She held the glass out, but he shook his head. “I don’t know why he’s taking so damn long to answer. I don’t know where he went with Amara.”

Mary placed the glass on the table. She heard that name before. “Amara’s the one that brought me back, right?”

“Yeah.”

Nodding, Mary crossed her arms. “How do we find Sammy?”

Dean’s mouth curled into a snarl. “I’ll find them, and they’ll pay for this.” His knees cracked and shook, but Dean stood up. He refused to let go of Cas.

Mary shot forward to help him, but the look in Dean’s eyes made her freeze. She watched him hobble out of the room. With one last look at the wings burned into the floor, she followed after him.

Gently, Dean laid the body down on a bed in what looked like an infirmary. He brushed some stray hairs presumably back into place and hesitated there, like he wasn’t ready to let go yet.

She opened her mouth to speak, but a quiet melody of music started playing.

Dean dug his hands into Cas’ jacket pockets until he found a small rectangular device. He stared at it forlornly. “No. No No….” His voice fell to a pained whisper as his eyes darted back to the body.

“What’s wrong?”

“The kid’s calling,” Dean’s voice broke. “H-how do I tell her….no.” He tapped something on the screen and pocketed the device. Rubbing his neck, he argued, “I’m not going to upset her when he’ll be back….He’ll be back.”

“He has a child?” Mary’s voice was practically non existent.

“It’s complicated.”

Silently, they walked back the way they came and Mary didn’t fail to notice the way Dean refused to look in the direction of the wings. He pulled out a chair and sat.

Every muscle in Mary’s body felt twitchy. Closing her eyes, she didn’t move from where she stood in the room. She longed for home.

Why was she even here? For what purpose? From the very moment she laid eyes on this...Dean, nothing felt right. And that made her feel worse. She loved John, and Sammy, and Dean. Looking at this man made her feel like she was about to combust.

And that’s not his fault. She knew that, but Mary also knew that she literally was plucked from 1983. This was wrong. It didn’t matter how much this Dean wanted her here. She needed to go home.

Opening her eyes, she saw Dean leaning an elbow on the table. Sternly, his eyes were coldly fixed into space. Another one of those odd rectangles, she assumed now was a phone, he had it pressed against his ear.

“Crowley,” his pain was masked well. “I-Yeah, I know. Not dead. Long story. Get Rowena and meet me at the bunker now.” He hit the screen and let the phone slide a ways on the table.

Mary eyed him carefully. Dean hid his face in his hands, leaning over the table. “So….” She felt utterly useless while Dean lowered a hand to meet her stare. “What now?”

“Just give it a-”

And suddenly, there were two new people in the room. Mary stared at them in shock while the woman smacked the man’s arm with her bag.

“There better be a bloody good reason-” The woman growled until she finally turned to see Dean at the table. “How are you alive?” She rushed forward and placed a hand on his chest. “Where’s the bomb? I did not mess that up. My work is impeccable.”

Dean slapped her hand away, and she rolled her eyes before focusing her attention on Mary. The man did too, but his mouth twisted into a sickening smile.

He turned his attention to Dean. “Now how on Earth did you manage to bring dear old mummy back?”

“Amara,” Dean answered. He pointed his thumb in the woman’s direction. “The bomb’s gone. Chuck and her worked their crap out. Then-” His eyes turned to Mary. “-she decided to leave me a gift and they left.”

The man took a few steps towards Mary. Observing her far too closely. “So…why are we here? Celebration perhaps? I’m afraid to tell you that we already dug into the booze shortly after we last saw you.”

The woman didn’t move from where she stood, but she did take in every detail of the room that she could see. Her posture stiffened. “Where’s Samuel?”

“That’s why I called-”

“We don’t know,” Mary answered, surprising herself. “We got here and….” She gestured at the room around them. “It appears that something happened. Sam’s gone.”

The man rolled his eyes. “So why are you moping around? Who else did you manage to piss off recently?” He made his way over to the shelves where he knew there would still be some bottles stashed. “You wouldn’t suppose Lucifer limped his way back from where ever Amara threw him?”

Dean shot out of his chair. His pleading gaze locked onto the woman. “Can you track Sam?”

“I suppose,” the woman started. She crossed her arms. “I don’t understand why you needed me for something that simple. I’m not an on call service, and Fergus can work a spell that elementary.”

The man didn’t even look at the bottle he plucked off the shelf, and he took a big swig. Glaring, he turned on his heels. “Mother dearest, my day to day schedule is a teensy bit busy. Remember? Being a King is a full time job!”

Mary couldn’t handle another word. Her head felt like it was spinning. “Dean, who are these people? How did they just...appear in the room with us?”

“Oh, sorry sweetie. I’m Rowena.” The woman stepped forward with a smile Mary didn’t trust for a second. “And...that’s Fergus.”

“Crowley,” he barked. “I’m the King of Hell, and that’s my rotten, bitch of a mother.” His eyes flashed red. “It’s lovely to finally make your acquaintance. Dean and I go way back. We-”

Dean’s phone clocked Crowley right in the temple. The phone clattered into the floor and Crowley looked mildly annoyed, rubbing the side of his head. “I get that your Moose is missing, but what the hell was that?”

He started crossing the room towards Dean, but the toe of his shoe stepped on something that rolled under it. He looked down, and his cool demeanor cracked. “Where’s Castiel?”

Dean turned to Rowena. “Can magic resurrect an angel?”

Several emotions – confusion, grief, fear, and curiosity – flashed across her face. “I don’t think anyone’s ever had reason to try.”

“But can you swing that kind of mojo?”

She reached forward and lightly patted Dean’s cheek. “My dear, I can swing anything, but it’d be new magic. Old magic, new technique…..something that’s never been done before. It’ll take time.”

Dean waved towards the bookshelves. “The bunker’s resources are yours.”

Rowena’s eyes lit up, and she gave Dean another pat. “I like you so much more when you and your brother aren’t trying to shackle me, or kill me.”

She bounced off towards the shelves, but stopped the moment her eye caught the wings. Rowena frowned, “He really was a pretty bird. It would have been nice to see his wings….in another circumstance.”

Ignoring that, Dean pointed at Crowley. “Spell. Now.”

After that, Mary could only hear static. It wasn’t until she saw Cas, bloody and dead, in the infirmary that she even knew that she left the room.

"It's horrible, isn't it?"

Startled, Mary flung around on her heels ready for combat, but the room was still empty. Goosebumps broke out across her skin. "Who's there?"

There was a click of a tongue behind her. "You Winchesters can't ever just let yourselves be happy?"

Mary saw a woman in the room with her now, standing next to the bed where Cas laid. Worried lines creased her forehead. Slowly, her eyes met Mary's.

"The name's Billie."

"What are you?" Mary could feel the skin on the back of her neck prickle.

"A reaper."

A small, pained laugh escaped Mary. Of course. Another monster.

Ever since she could remember, her parents prepared her for the world. Nothing was glossed over or simplified. The ways of hunting were straightforward. You save people. Mothers. Fathers. Daughters. Sons. Friends. Loved ones. They needed protection from the things that disrupted the natural order. It was a line drawn in the sand, and one she couldn't afford to touch.

And yet, she never planned on giving her boys that lesson. Any of it. She feared to ask that question burning in her gut: when did that change?

Her mind circled back to the strange mother son duo. And why were her boys involved with demons, and witches, and......angels?

The reaper's stern expression softened. Almost pitiful. "You don't belong here."

Mary crossed her arms, discretely eyeing the room for possible weapons. "What are you doing here?"

"I'm here to put out the fires. Someone has to try, at least."

"I don't understand."

"You," Billie answered simply. "Amara made a mistake."

Her heartbeat quickened. From fear or hope, she wasn't entirely sure. "Could you send me home to my boys?"

Billie frowned.

"I don't understand," said a different voice. And then a brunette woman materialized.

Mary took a step back. Mentally, she wasn't sure how far she could run before she could reach help.

Billie held her head up high. "Amara."

The woman looked at Billie strangely. "Why are you interfering with my gift? I wasn't expecting to over hear this when I was checking in."

"It was a poorly thought out gift." Billie pointed at Mary. "You can't steal a soul from Heaven and expect the world to continue down the same path. There are consequences."

There was all hot wave and then all bitter tang on Mary's tongue. She thinks she bit it. Billie's words were echoing in her head. Dean looked at her the way he did because........she never saw past 1983, didn't she?

"A small price to pay for a gift this sweet," Amara answered simply. "Losing her tore a hole in Dean that he has never been able to mend. He can now."

"He can't," Mary whispered. Her whole body was shaking. It took all her focus to keep hearing Billie and Amara's voices.

Amara's eyebrows pinched together. "I'm still learning to understand humans. I need more to follow."

"I'm not a mender." The words rolled off her tongue. "I was raised to hunt, and kill, and hide...." Her gaze fell to her hands. She could still feel the blood under her nails, weighing her down. "I tried to be different. To be normal, but I can't stop destroying, and losing, and failing everyone I love."

The look on Amara's face softened. She sighed, "The world is far different now I'm told. I did this for both of you. A second chance. Don't you want to know your son?"

"I know my Dean," Mary snapped. Her hands curled into fists as tears beaded in her eyes. "He's 4 years old with freckles on his arms. He likes to spin in circles while he sings. And he cries when he can't find the birds he can hear chirping outside his bedroom window."

There was a quiet pause while Mary took several deep breaths. The thump of her heart made her chest ache. She sniffled. "I know....I know across this bunker is.......he's a stranger. He's been through hell and back and I badly just want to run the other way when I see him. I want my boys. I want to go home."

"Do you understand, yet?" Billie spoke to Amara. "Humans aren't your toys. They're unpredictable. Complicated."

"I think I'm starting to understand," Amara said like she was only partially considering it. She crossed over to the bed. Her head tilted, and she frowned. "What happened to the angel? Dean's attachment to him was immeasurable. Terrifyingly powerful." Her lip twitched.

"Like I said," Billie answered. "There are consequences. It wasn't his time, and yet, he's gone." Her gaze slid over to Mary. "Her time ended decades ago, and yet, she breathes."

Amara looked at Mary carefully. "Why?"

"I didn't know what he was. I acted on instinct."

"And now your son is going to do something cosmically stupid to fix this."

Mary blinked. "He's gonna try, but it's not like he's gonna get anywhere. His plan A was prayer."

Billie's stare rolled over to Amara. "Consequences."

“Can’t either of you bring him back? Then no drastic measures would be taken,” she argued. Mary’s eyes rested on Cas. He might even know where to find Sammy.

Billie raised an eyebrow. “And that’s how we got here in the first place. Tearing holes in the natural order of things.”

“It would soothe things,” Amara said. “Get us past this snag.”

“No.” Billie’s gaze moved between the two women. “This goes far beyond poisoned gifts.”

A chill settled into Mary’s bones. “Yellow eyes. Bringing John back so I wouldn’t be alone.”

Billie smiled. “Precisely, and since then your family has torn hole after hole.”

Mary’s jaw clenched. “No.” The flash of yellow burned into her memory made her stomach revolt.

Sympathetic, Billie sighed. “You’re not the only one who made deals, and-”

“Let me be the last.”

“How so?” Amara asked, curious.

“I...I think I understand what you were trying to do,” Mary began. “But, I’ve only caused more pain being here. I can’t make him happy. I….I-” Her mouth trembled, trying to find the right words. “I’m barely holding myself together. From the moment you put me here….I…” She looked at Billie. “You’re right. I don’t belong here. I want to go home.”

Billie crossed the room, stopping directly in front of Mary. She held her eye. “There’s no home to go back to. Only memories. If you stay, this is it. This is home with the men your boys became.”

Mary’s breath got stuck in her throat. “Then my decision is made for me.” I can never go home. “Fix what I broke, please.” Her gaze moved to Amara. “Give Dean back his heart.” And then it slid back to Billie. “And I’ll go with you. Let things continue the way they were meant to.”

“And what stops your boys from tearing more holes in the future?”

Mary sighed, trying to understand the angel her son carefully laid in this room. She couldn’t imagine how they found each other, and how her son came to care about him so completely. Hopefully, he could forgive her one day. Both of them. “Tell Dean, that if him or his brother decide to play god and mess with the fabric of things again…..the price will be to kill the person they love most. The price will be blood.”

Billie arched her eyebrows. “Your boys are good at surprising me, but I think that’ll suffice.”

Frowning, Amara stepped forward. “Are you sure? Dean will be upset.”

“His feelings will pass, but my discomfort won’t if I stay. I’ll never stop wanting to claw my way back to my boys. And that’s not fair….to the men that they are now.” She hung her head, squeezing her eyes shut. “And he’ll never forgive me for killing….”

“I’m sorry,” Amara said, and she sounded like she meant it. “Would it be alright if I visited your Heaven one day? I’d like to understand, and...I’d like to meet your boys.”

She wasn’t exactly sure what Amara meant by ‘your Heaven’ but she nodded.

Amara smiled warmly. “Thank you.”

“Are you ready?” Billie asked resting a hand on her arm.

Exhaling, Mary nodded. Surprisingly, the reaper’s touch was grounding. This was the calmest her mind felt in years. “Let’s go,” she said, closing her eyes.

Behind her, Mary heard a baby’s cry. Turning around, she was in her kitchen. The afternoon sun warmed her hair and her son stared at her from his highchair. Her mouth curled into a smile. “Sammy, there you are.”

[harrysgoldenbum]

Want You pt. 2

Sorry for the delay, but having you internet crash does that to you. I hope you like pt. 2 ;) The last and final part should be up tomorrow... hopefully! thanks again @andwhenshesays @for-fucks-sake-h and @oh-honey-styles for letting me join the fun!

Catch up: Part 1

--Y/N gives in, but things don’t go as planned--

Word count: 2.6K

Warnings: Smut

Y/N is going to have to get a new vibrator. All week she has imagined Harry pleasuring her. Y/N would make herself cum multiple times and she still was not satisfied. Even temporary. She’s been thing about how Harry’s lips felt against her skin. The words he whispered to her. 

She laid there in bed with her hands holding her vibrator between her legs. She imagines Harry’s perfect lips trailing down her neck to her chest. She imagines what it would feel like for him to suck on her hard nipples. She imagines him looking down at her, chest glistening with sweat. She imagines what his cock would look like, and how it would feel as he fucks her to oblivion. 

But, she absolutely hates him. 

But the pulse of her pussy makes it hard for her to think of anything else. She doesn’t want to fantasize about her best friend’s ex-boyfriend fucking her… or her fucking him. Y/N knows that Harry didn’t cheat on June but that doesn’t mean that he didn’t hurt her. He is everything that she doesn’t like about a guy. He has an ego that’s the size of the universe, and he thinks that all women want him. 

She suddenly drags her vibrator down her fold and slides it into her. Y/N shudders and bites her bottom lip. She tries to move past the thoughts that will piss her off, she pulls her device out of her cunt and slides the smooth surface over her clit. She gasps out in pleasure. Once again her vibrator enters her pussy and Y/N imagines it to be Harry’s cock. 

“Oh! Fuck!” She calls out. Moving her hands faster and faster. She believes that Harry would only fuck her hard and fast.  

Dragging the device over he clit again, Y/N loses all control. She starts to pluck her own nipples and starts to thrust upward, toward her pleasure machine. She wishes Harry was here with her right now. She wishes it was him bringing her closer and closer to her orgasm. 

“Fuck! Fuck!” Y/N shouts, she fists her bedsheets, her wetness dripping down onto them. She gets closer and closer to her finish. She can just picture his cocky smirk as her drives into her. Flicking her clit one last time, Y/N cums. Hard. 

“OH GOD!!!” she shouts.

She is in a daze for the next few minutes. Y/N takes her time to come back down to earth before she gets up to go to the bathroom to clean herself. 

By the time she gets back, her phone has lit up by a text message. 

Harry: I guess we both like sleeping with our windows open. You sound so hot fucking yourself. I am rock hard right now. 

Y/N freezes,  moisture starts to collect between her legs once again. She contemplates on sending him a message telling him to come to her apartment, but she gets another text. 

Harry: I bet you were thinking about my dick just now. Tell me Y/N how badly do you want my hard dick?

And just like that, annoyance flares up in Y/N. Consuming any feeling she was having for him in that moment. 

Y/N: Do yourself a favor and quit flattering yourself. Your dick has nothing on my vibrator. 

She slams her phone down on her dresser and climbs into bed. She tells herself that she hates Harry Styles and hopes for a peaceful rest of the night and sleep. Y/N doesn’t get what she wanted. Harry Styles followed her into her dreams. 

~~~~~~~~

“I think the universe is trying to tell us something.” 

Y/N spins around in her bar stool and finds Harry Styles standing in front of her dressed in dark jeans and flannel with half the buttons unbuttoned. She bites her lip and takes a deep breath. He looks damn good. 

“Is the universe trying to tell me that you are officially stalking me?!” 

He leans onto the bar counter and laughs. “Nope,” he says popping the p. “Just another coincidence.” He points to a group of guys that occupy the high tables in the middle of the bar. “It’s one of my mate’s birthday, so we are out celebrating.”

“I’m meeting my sister here for a few drinks and dinner… if she gets here on time.” Y/N tells him with a shrug. Turning away from him, secretly hoping her sister won’t see her with him. She can already hear the questions she would ask. 

“Whatever the reason, I am happy to see you” Harry grins. 

Y/N feels butterflies erupt in her belly as she looks at Harry from the corner of her eye. It has been a bit over two weeks since their last conversation and she hasn’t heard from him since. Many times, Y/N would type out a message to send him, only for her to delete it. She had even gone as far as considering knocking at his door. She had gotten used to the attention he gave her, and his flirting did help with her ego. 

She goes to say something, only to be nearly pushed out of her chair and nearly into Harry. Harry steadies her with his large hands. 

“Oh, shit! My bad,” the large man said, even though he was trying to look down her top. “Let me buy you a drink babe,” he offers as he goes to touch Y/N. 

Before she can say she not interested, Harry wraps his arm around her should and faces the guy. “Back off man, she’s with me.” 

Shocked, Y/N looks at Harry and looks pissed. 

“Shit! Okay, okay.” the man turns to leave.

Y/N shakes his arm off her and looks at him. She doesn’t know what to do. So she just sits there and stares at him. 

“Another reason not to hate my guts,” Harry starts. “I will fight assholes that bother you.” 

Y/N is just about to say thank you, but Harry’s friend comes over and leans heavily on him. 

“Are you gonna stand here and talk to this pretty girl all night or are you going to get drunk with us Styles? Because you have fallen behind.”

With a small smile, she tells Harry to go and have fun, just as her sister walks into the bar. 

~~~~~~~~

Y/N and her sister are just about done with their dinner when she gets up to use the restroom. In the hallway, she sees Harry coming out of the men’s room. He stops a few feet away from the restroom doors and waits for Y/N to reach him.

“How was dinner?” he asks. 

“Alright, same questions and same answers. Tried the steak salad.” Y/N said vaguely, even though throughout dinner, all Y/N could think about was Harry sitting a couple of yards away from her. 

“You know I can grill a delicious steak.” Harry steps closer to her, their chests nearly touching each other. Y/N’s breath falters. “If you’d give me a chance… I’ll make it worth your time.” 

“Why are you doing this,” she whispers. “What do you want from me?”

Harry’s eyes trail across her face. “You really don’t know, do you?” 

Y/N frowns at his question. She starts a different conversation with him. “Okay, look I admit, maybe you aren’t that bad of a guy. But I usually don’t go for the arrogant, overconfident dude who sees himself as a gift for the female race.”

A grin takes over his face and a low chuckle leaves his mouth. He looks so happy, Y/N’s breath catches in her throat.

“You should stop fighting it, love.” He looks pleased with her confession. “I already heard you through the window how bad you want it.”

With a scowl, “You know that isn’t going to help your case.” 

Raising his hands up as an act of surrender, “You’re right. I’m sorry.”

With a sigh, Y/N roles her eyes. She looks into his eyes and as cliche, as it sounds, gets lost in them. Both Harry and Y/N don’t know how long they stand there, in each other’s presence. It wasn’t until someone bumped into Harry’s shoulder do they break away from each other. 

With a heavy sigh, Y/N breaks their silence, “There’s still June.”

Harry stiffens at the mention of her name. 

“Looks, it’s been six months and yeah we didn’t end on the best terms, but I never lied to her. We would have broken up anyway. She wanted to move across and I didn’t. It wouldn’t have worked out. 

Y/N takes in every word, it was almost like he was pleading for her to believe him and to give him a shot. Like he was begging her not to hold this against him forever. 

Pushing the subject of June out of her mind, Y/N tries to focus on something else. Anything else. “You don’t even know anything about me,” she starts. Trying to come up with reasons why they won’t work as the last stand of defense. 

“So give me the chance to, love.” 

Just as she is about to respond, Y/N’s sister comes in looking for her. “Oh! There you are! I’ve been waiting for you! I was wondering where you disappeared to! I have to get home Jack has an earache and Danny is hopeless with the baby. Do you need a ride?” 

With a glance toward Harry, she tells her sister that she will be right out. As her oblivious sister leaves, she turns back to Harry. “I’ll see you around Harry.”

He leans down and kisses her cheek and steps out of her way. 

~~~~~~~~

Y/N wasn’t sure about what was going on. Were they on a date? She looks at Harry from the corner of her eye. He’s sitting on her couch watching a movie. Y/N isn’t even sure what movie is playing, but that’s the only source of lighting in the room. 

He had stopped by to drop off more of his baked goods. This time it was red velvet cupcakes with buttercream. (Y/N had texted him to tell him how much she had liked his coffee cake.) And somehow that led to her inviting him in for a movie. 

They were sitting close to each other but they were not touching. Harry hadn’t tried to put the moves on her yet. The way he was sitting, it clearly indicated that his focus was solely on the movie. 

She let her eyes roam over his side profile. His defined jaw, his straight nose, his tattooed arm, and his plump lips. When she was least expecting it, Harry starts to turn his head toward her. She quickly shifted her eyes to the TV, hoping that he didn’t catch her staring at him. 

She knows that she is overdoing the ‘hard to get’ challenge she had set up for him. At this point, she doesn’t care anymore. She knows that he isn’t Prince Charming, nor is he her White Knight. But she wants him. She wants him to fuck her. 

Taking a deep breath, she leans forward and places her hand on his forearm. Harry looks at her with confusion. Y/N looks into his eyes before she lowers her gaze to his full lips. 

She moves toward him slowly, wanting to pull his lower lip into her mouth. When she is no more than a half an inch away, he turns his head. Completely stopping Y/N. 

Shocked, Y/N freezes. Suddenly the humiliation catches up to her, she pulls away and crawls to the farthest end of the sofa. 

“Oh my god… oh god!” She mutters running her hands through her hair. 

“Y/N,” Harry begins in what sounds like a patronizing voice. She wants her living room floor to swallow her whole. 

“Shut up!” she snaps. “Shut the fuck up! Get out Harry! Get out of my house!” She can’t look at him. She wants to erase this moment from her life. “I can’t believe you get me to the point where you’ve got me so worked up and actually want you, and what do you do?! You reject me.” 

“Y/N,” he tries again. This time just a little louder. But Y/N still can’t look at him. 

“Please leave,” she begs. 

Before she knows it, Harry is pulling her leg and she is flat on her back. He settles between her legs. 

“Will you listen to me!?” His hands move toward her shorts and he pulls them down her legs. 

She gasps in shock. Her heart beating so fast she is worried she might pass out. Y/N is left in her cotton panties and her baggy shirt. Harry pulls his own athletic shorts down and once again places himself between her legs. 

“You don’t think I don’t want this?” He growls in her ear, he presses his rock hard cock against her. His heat and the friction caused by his rutting has her crying out in pleasure. 

He pushes against her again, Harry feels her wetness seep as it through her underwear. Y/N is overwhelmed by the pleasure he is giving her. The way he moves his hips has her panting in minutes. She circles her legs around the back of his thighs and starts to follow his rhythm. Amplifying the euphoria. 

She has never enjoyed dry humping so fucking much. 

“Harry!” She cries out when he moves his hand down and into her panties. He finds her clit and starts rubbing in a circular motion. 

“I love hearing you say my name,” he pants. He drops his head to her neck and starts to press kisses along it. “Is this what you wanted,” his growls when his pleasure starts to overtake his body. He pinches her nipple through her shirt. 

Y/N arches toward him. She feels hollow, empty, like something important is missing. “Oh god!” she moans. 

“What,” Harry whispers, “huh? What’s the matter? You want my cock?”

He starts to hump her faster. “Is that what your needy pussy wants?” 

Y/N cries out as she cums. Her orgasm washes over her and she watches Harry through her lowered eyelids. He ruts against her once, twice, three times before he cups himself and cums in his had. 

He cleans himself up and pulls his shorts back on. Y/N feels like her body is floating like she had no control over it. 

Nasty thoughts start to invade her and she does what she can to push them out of her mind. 

“Don’t feel like you have to stay until the movies over,” she forces out, “we both got what we wanted.” 

Harry’s face crumbles. Hurt, he pulls away and sits up. Not looking in her direction. 

“What?!” Y/N snaps defensively. “You didn’t want to kiss me. So I don’t expect you to want to stay and cuddle.” 

Harry stands from his seat and starts to walk to the door. Just as he is going to open the door, he turns to face her. “I didn’t kiss you Y/N, because when I kiss you for the first time, I want it to be real. I want you more than an easy fuck.”

The words shock Y/N. She stands and looks at him. Really looks at him. 

She took to long to respond, so Harry opens the door and looks at her one more time. “Don’t worry, I won’t get my hopes up on you wanting the same thing from me that I want from you.”

He closes the door softly, leaving Y/N alone in her apartment. With one thought ringing clearly in her mind. Harry Styles was not who she thought he was. 

 Part 3 Here

[yourdeepestfathoms]

Disarming Voice

[Tour!verse]

One of, like, three gifts for @the10amongstthese3s because I love them so much and they mean a lot to me and I just 💚💘💙💖💚💖💚💘💙💘💚 I was supposed to wait for their birthday in June but they were sad earlier today and so I gathered the remains of the Adderall in my system and wrote this bad boy

I love you, Duckie!!!!!

also: i couldnt think of a title so i frantically searched up Pokemon moves and now this will be the second fanfic with a title that is a move from Pokemon (the first is Quiver Dance)

Word count: 3175

TW: Blood

———————

Haus of Holbein concluded with kaleidoscope of strobe lights and cacophony of giggles from the eager audience. They watched as the queens pranced over the risers and staircase for the next bit, unbeknownst to a small pop in the back that was deaf to even the Tudor ladies themselves. They just went on with their performance like they always did.

“It’s time for you to choose your bride, your highness!” Aragon declared in her high pitched, Welsh-tinged voice, and that was enough to pop a metaphorical balloon that cut Howard off from saying her next line.

Okay, well, it wasn’t really the metaphorical balloon popping that halted the show, but the sharp cry of pain that came from the upper right.

Joan was hunched over her keyboard, rocking back and forth slight and clutching at one side of her head. The sound of her soft whimpers and keens resonated in the earpieces each of the queen’s wore.

“Joan, what are you doing?” Anne hissed softly. She can hear the audience starting to murmur in confusion behind her.

“Stop the show,” Joan croaked weakly.

“What? We can’t-”

“Please!” Joan cried, her voice cracking. Her head snapped up and the spotlights caught on some kind of fluid running down the side of her face. Anne makes a sickened look and backed away, thinking that it may be blood. Aragon gave her an exasperated expression—how could a woman be afraid of the sight of blood? Or did Anne just pass out every time she had her period?

The golden queen’s internal nitpicking came to an abrupt halt when the director suddenly came on the speakers and announced a momentary intermission. A few people in the audience grumble in annoyance, while others groan, and the majority whispered even louder. A couple of stagehands are leering at Joan from the wings.

“What is going on?” The director suddenly stormed onstage, looking frazzled and aloof at the interruption. He was probably already imagining all the negative reviews and the money they’ll lose from people not wanting to come anymore, which definitely would not happen with how popular the show was. “Why did we stop? Joan, what did you do?”

“My-my ear—” Joan choked out. She’s rocking herself more prominently, as if she thought the movement would comfort her, but it clearly wasn’t working the magic she thought it would.

“You made us stop the show for an EARACHE?” The director barked.

“Hey, get off her ass.” Aragon growled, puffing out her chest to the obnoxious man and gathering herself up to her full size—which was easier taller than the director. And if she didn’t beat him in height, then her muscles and abs surely did, and she made sure to make that known to him.

“N-no, it’s—” Joan winced. “I-it’s—” She was stuttering too much for anyone to understand what she was saying, although nobody was really surprised. It was a habit of hers.

“Woah,” Maggie suddenly piped up. “What’s that on your face?”

Someone called for the main lights to be turned on, and the white-yellow fluid coating one side of Joan’s head is revealed. It was mixing with trails of red—blood. Anne stepped back dizzily and Aragon shot her a ‘get over it’ look over her shoulder before returning her full attention to the injured music director.

She could see that the fluids seemed to be coming from her ear and were dripping all the way down her jawline and onto her chest and shoulders. The droplets disappear against the dark material of her band uniform.

“Ew,” Jane wrinkled her nose and Joan looked dismayed at her reaction, then embarrassment. Pink did not go well with whatever color that liquid was supposed to be.

“What happened?” Cleves asked, incredibly curious. She was looking at the residue as if it were liquid gemstones.

“I-I had an—ear infection.” Joan explained, and each of her words are punctuated with a wince or whimper. “I took—pain killers, but—” She made a miserable, pained sound and clenched tighter.

“Your eardrum might have burst.” Cathy said bluntly.

Joan went very pale, and the fluids suddenly look a lot darker. Or maybe that was just because of the increased sputtering of blood that’s coming out.

Slowly, so slowly, she pulled her hand back, and they all saw the drooling maw that was her left ear. The interior was completely coated in a thick amalgam of water, blood, and something that looked like pus, and the hole seemed to be clogged by the same concoction, although that looked a lot more /red/. It was weeping the foul-smelling liquid; Anne gagged loudly, but Aragon didn’t know if it was because of the sight, the smell, or both.

“Yikes,” Maggie winced. “That looks painful.” At her side, Howard tentatively touched her ear, as if she thought that her eardrum may randomly burst and put her through the same pain the music director was very obviously feeling.

“What do we do?” Aragon asked, waving her head around to everyone.

“Well, if I remember correctly,” Cathy said in her infamous know-it-all voice, “burst eardrums usually heal on their own.”

There was a collective sigh of relief—and then Cathy started talking again.

“However, sometimes surgery is needed. I’ve heard of cauterizing being used as a form of treatment, too.”

Miraculously, Joan’s face managed to get even whiter. If Cathy noticed, she doesn’t relent with her fact-stating.

“And hearing loss is sometimes possible. Which, when working in show biz, doesn’t seem to be a very good th-”

“Thank you, Cathy!” Aragon said loudly, batting her goddaughter away. She set a hand on Joan’s shoulder and her heart broke a little when she felt the girl trembling. Ice blue eyes stare up at her in fear.

“I-I don’t want t-to get my ear cauterized.” Joan stammered. “O-or go deaf!”

“You won’t, honey,” Aragon assured her. I hope. “I’ll take you to the doctor’s.”

“What?” The director squawked. “You can’t leave!” He wheeled around to Joan, bug-eyed and desperate. “You can still perform, can’t you?”

“My EAR is LEAKING!” Joan cried, holding out her pus-soaked hand to the man, who reared away in disgust. Anne gagged again from somewhere further away and Howard begrudgingly leaves the commotion to go comfort her soon-to-be-ill cousin.

Aragon raised her eyebrows with a pleased smile. She didn’t often hear Joan snap at people, but she was always very impressed when she was around for it. It just proved there were thorns under that shell she’s always hiding in.

“Can you walk?” Aragon said softly, then wanted to slap her. She was on the side with the injured ear—Joan probably could barely hear from that side.

“Yeah.” Joan still said, making out the queen’s words. She wobbled to her feet, and although it was her ear that was the part that hurt, her legs were still hindered by the waves of pain and discomfort washing over her.

“Ow,” She whispered, wincing.

“Come on, darling.” Aragon said to her, wrapping an arm around her shoulders. “I won’t let you fall.”

“What about the show?” The director warbled woefully.

“The swings are here, aren’t they?” Aragon said dismissively. “Get one of them to do it!”

There’s a reply, but Aragon was already leading Joan off of the stage, through the wings, and out the back door to the staff parking lot.

“What did it feel like?” Aragon asked as she was driving to the hospital. She glanced at the shuddering form of Joan in the passenger seat. “If you don’t mind me asking.”

“Um,” Joan looked a little uncomfortable. “Sorta like a water balloon popping? I kinda heard, like, umm—this pop, I guess? And then splitting pain and, ahh—there was stuff—coming out of my ear.”

At least, Aragon thinks that’s what she said. She liked to think she was good at discerning Joan Stutters, but the girl was just stammering so badly that even she was having a hard time understanding what exactly she was saying. She reached one hand off the steering wheel and touched Joan’s shoulder, hoping it may help comfort her.

“It’ll be okay, darling.” She told her.

“P-please focus on the road,” Joan said, glancing anxiously at the hand on her shoulder.

“Right.” Aragon pulled her hand away. She should have known—Joan hated when she didn’t drive with both hands on the wheel.

How was it possible to hold so much anxiety in such a scrawny little body?

They soon arrived at the hospital in a whirl of rhinestones and sparkles, seeing as they were both still in their show costumes. The people in the waiting room were dazzled at the shimmering gold outfit Aragon was stuck in, and one person even recognized her and got up to possibly ask for a picture, but then immediately sat back down when they noticed her determined, ‘do not fuck with me’ expression. If her leotard was breaking some kind of hospital dress code, nobody decided to say something.

Aragon explained to the woman at the reception desk about what they were there for, gesturing vaguely to the coagulated mess on the side of Joan’s head in the process a few times. After getting checked in, they took a seat in the waiting room, much to Aragon’s displeasure. Sure, Joan’s injury was no broken bone or heart attack, but the girl was clearly in a severe amount of pain. If the way she wouldn’t stop shaking didn’t give that away.

“Snowflake?” Aragon gently touched her hand. “Are you alright, baby?”

Joan merely replied with a soft “mmm” and kept her eyes shut. Aragon frowned. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw a boy with his parents staring at the mess on Joan’s head and shot him a look that nearly made him keel over dead.

“You’re going to be okay.” Aragon told her girl, keeping her voice warm and soothing. “I promise.”

Joan just nodded this time.

It took almost twenty minutes and an extra squirting of ear water and pus, but Joan was eventually called for examination. Aragon followed her, sliding past the several gazes she got as she went along.

As Cathy predicted, there wasn’t much the doctors could do for something inside of Joan’s head, and they were sure she didn’t want a sudden surgery to repair some pieces of frayed tissue. However, they did clean up her head and ear (which was a painful process when a q-tip was used), and prescribed her some stronger antibiotics since it was clear she was in some discomfort.

On the drive to her apartment, Joan looked terribly guilty.

“What’s wrong, snowball?” Aragon asked, glancing at the sulking girl.

Joan mumbled something. Aragon leaked over slightly.

“A little louder, baby. I can’t hear you.”

“I made you miss the show for nothing.” Joan said. “And then you paid for a pointless doctor visit.” She hunched over in the passenger seat and put her head in her hands. “You wasted so much for me.”

It took all of Aragon’s willpower to not veer the car off the road and start laying into Joan about how she’d give up everything for her, but she kept her cool and continued driving so she wouldn’t freak the girl out even more. Her added car anxiety wouldn’t make anything better.

“Honey, I chose to take you to the doctor’s.” Aragon said. “It was my idea. You didn’t force me. I wanted to make sure you were okay.”

Joan pulled her head back and nodded slowly. Aragon wished she would smile, or at least stop frowning guiltily like she was. The girl was always too hard on herself, always blaming herself for things she didn’t cause and always losing her mind over the most minor inconveniences. She thought she was to prove herself or live up to the queen’s greatness, Aragon realized awhile ago.

They parked in Joan’s apartment complex and Joan didn’t even try to convince Aragon that she didn’t have to stay like she usually did. She just trudged up the two flights of stairs to her flat- Argaon always wondered how she got all her furniture up there, as she was sure the girl was too shy to ask a moving company for help. The image of her darling snow fox trying to haul an entire wardrobe up the steps was quite funny, albeit a bit pitiful.

Stepping into Joan’s apartment, however, was even more pitiful.

Aragon never got over how barren Joan’s home was. She stumbled through a dark corridor, kicking off her shoes as she does so. She saw Joan turn on a lamp instead of the main lights (they hurt her eyes, she had said before), and the glow it gave off was dim, as though the bulb was about to go out. It was enough to illuminate the bare and cold living room, dining room, and kitchen, which were all empty of decorations. Joan was terrible with money, fearing that buying a simple potted plant would leave her bankrupt. She did have a small cactus in her kitchen, though—its name was Prickle.

Joan grabbed a light blue cup from the sink, the only dish in the basin, and filled it up with some water before swallowing one of the painkillers, despite already having taken one while at the hospital.

“Joan, baby?” Aragon called out gently. “Does it hurt that much?”

She worried about the pain being that severe and the chance that Joan was just taking more pills because she liked how they made her numb. She once said she liked not feeling—it made her forget about her worthlessness and stress.

Joan sorta just shrugged in response, staring ruefully down into the cup. Aragon came over to her and wrapped an arm around her shoulders.

“How about we watch a movie?” She suggested. “Or do you want to rest?”

“It’s only lunchtime.” Joan pointed out. “I can’t rest already.”

“Haven’t you ever heard of catnaps?” Aragon poked her in the stomach, which made her giggle and squirm away. It was music to her ears. “Let’s make lunch, then. And THEN watch a movie.”

She detangled herself from Joan and walked over to the fridge. Her eyes widened when she saw what was inside.

“You went grocery shopping!” She spun around to Joan, clasping her hands in her own. “I’m so proud of you!”

She had been so worried to see the fridge empty like so many times before, but this time there was /food/! Sure, it wasn’t much, but it was something! Joan had bought fruit and milk and cheese and eggs and that weird LaCroix drinks she insists are really good but Aragon just thinks they taste like static and a single cherry skittle that’s been dissolved in water for three hours. There was food in the pantry, too—bread and crackers, biscuits and cereal, canned soup and packets of macaroni. Joan had even bought herself ice cream!

Joan blushed shyly, looking away.

“It’s not that big of a deal,” She murmured.

“It is to me!” Aragon whisked her up in her arms, causing Joan to squeak and cling to the ruffs on her shoulders.

“That’s itchy,” Joan said after she was set down, wrinkling her nose at Aragon’s costume.

“Tell me about it,” Aragon laughed. “Do you think any of your clothes will fit me? I’d watch the movie naked like I usually do, but I feel like that wouldn’t be proper guest etiquette.”

“Oh, I actually have—”

Aragon burst into laughter at the double take Joan does.

“Wait. What?!” Joan blinked at her, probably picturing that image in her head and then immediately being horrified when it actually materializes in her brain. “Don’t you— Doesn’t Anna share a room with you?”

“Then I guess I’m the award-winning film she’s watching.” Aragon smirked.

“Ahhh!!” Joan slapped Aragon's arms frantically. “Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!”

“What? You don’t like hearing about my-“

“LA LA LA LA LA LA LA!!!” Joan covered her ears, although softly with her injured one. “I CAN’T HEAR YOU!!! MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB, LITTLE LAMB, LITTLE LAMB!!!”

Aragon laughed until her chest hurt. She wiped one of her eyes and set a hand on Joan’s head.

“Okay, snowfall, I’m done.”

Joan carefully removed her hands, peering up at Aragon suspiciously.

“You’re gross.” She poked her.

“Not gross. H-”

Joan slapped her hands back over her ears.

Which was a big mistake.

“You dummy.” Aragon said when Joan keened sharply in pain. “Shouldn’t have done that.”

“It’s your fault!” Joan said miserably. She carefully rubbed the space next to her injured ear, but stopped when Aragon started to do it for her, leaning blissfully into her touch. “You’re the reason Maggie likes to tease me about having mommy issues.”

Aragon snorted. “I’m not surprised.” She said. “Now. What were you saying before?”

A blush dusts Joan’s cheeks. “Oh. Right.” She fidgets with a rhinestone on her costume. “I, umm— Well, seeing as you come over a lot— I— I got you some spare clothes.”

Aragon perked up, smiling. “Aww. That’s so sweet of you to do, Joan!”

Joan blushed harder and then scurried off to go change while Aragon started to make their lunch. She changed soon after, and then they sat down on the couch with their grilled cheeses.

“How’s your ear feeling?” Aragon asked as Joan was flipping through Netflix (technically, it was Aragon’s account. Of course Joan wouldn’t by her own—financial anxiety and all. And of course Aragon had to share with the girl!)

“Better,” Joan said, then touched it tentatively. “But it’s kinda, like...ringing.” She curled into Aragon’s side. “I don’t like it.”

“I’m sorry, baby girl,” Aragon wrapped her arms around Joan and she marveled at how perfectly she fit, as if that spot had been shaped by the universe just for the girl. She didn’t think even Mary had fit that well.

It was a sign, she realized: This is where this girl should stay. In your arms. Forever.

Aragon smiled. She liked the sound of that, even if she knew it would definitely be questioned by other people. They wouldn’t be able to wrap their heads around her loving some anxious mess of a music director more than her birth daughter she had fought tooth and nail to be with all those centuries ago. But it was hard to feel a sliver of love towards Mary after hearing about the horrors she’s done—she was just ashamed. Ashamed to be her mother, so she disconnected herself from the bloody ties of her child and went searching for someone who needed her more.

And that’s how she found Joan. Her perfect, weird little moon. Every inch nervous and shy, with so much room to be loved, and everything Mary would never ever be.

Sorry, Mary, Aragon thought with a chuckle, imagining her daughter throwing a fit in her place in hell.

She snuggled Joan closer and set her chin on her head. She felt Joan lean in closer and she smiled lovingly.

“So, what are we watching?”

[ravenmyecoaction]

Diamond Willow Fungus

I recently attended a zoom class held by Métis Elder Linda Bourdreau from Fort McMurray, AB, who is currently living in Saint Paul, AB, which just so happens to be the town where my Métis grandmother Hazel Poitras was born.  

Linda was teaching us about the diamond willow fungus (Haploporus odorus), a powerful and old medicine, which is a grandfather smudge that clears out negative energy. The Cree word for this fungus is "Wikmasigan”. This smudge can be used in pipe ceremonies and in sweat lodges, as well as for sickness and trauma. It is also good for helping with focus when one is lacking motivation. It is a bracket fungus, where it looks like a shelf, and it has a pungent odour, with an anise/licorice smell. It grows from the Maritimes through to Alberta, and may even grow in the mountains in BC. It is harvested from June until the end of September.  

If one’s intentions are good and it is meant for you it will show itself. Some people go out and whistle and it reveals itself to the person who is meant to pick it.  

When found, offer tobacco. Offer it first to the Creator, then to the four directions. Place the tobacco on the South side of the tree, where the sun is. Pray. This medicine will help people heal and bring balance. Pray to the Creator that the medicine will keep growing for the coming generations. 

To harvest one can either break it off or take it off with a knife, in a gentle manner. Do not harvest if one is not sober. 

When smudging, it can be used in your home, around doorways, when people leave your home and in and around your car for a safe journey, whether you are traveling far and wide or going to a ceremony. Do not use it in the bathroom.

Light it and smudge. Pray to the Creator to clear everything in the mind, body and spirit. Ask for guidance on how to do things right and ask for protection. When using, one should stay positive and prayerful. One should talk to the Creator and pray to use the medicine in a good way, where one will do no harm with it. One should express gratitude for this medicine. 

To dispose of smudge ashes, collect in a can and put back to the land with a bit of tobacco. Ask the medicines to be renewed on the lands. You could also put ashes across a gate, and ask for protection on the land you live on. 

Store in something that can breath, such as in a broadcloth, net bag, cotton bag or in a glass jar, but not in plastic, which takes away the smell and strength. You could also store in a green cloth, which represents new life and spring. Do not store in an area where a bunch of people will walk by, as the strength of medicine can leave with them.

Diamond willow fungus is also used for:

Headaches: Burn a little bit, inhale and hold in, lie down and close eyes. It will clear a headache.

Earaches: Add powder to warm water, wait until it cools down, drip in the ear that aches and put a cotton ball over top. Note, be careful not to do this for an ear infection.

Internally: Some medicine people use it internally in teas. Do not do this without guidance from a medicine person and the Creator.

Women/people with uteruses: Do not harvest or smudge with it if one is on their moon time and up to four days after, as people on their cycle take strength away from medicines because this is a powerful cleansing ceremony unto itself. If a person on their moon time needs to smudge because something serious has happened, they can smudge with sage.

Note about sustainable harvesting: It is harder to find medicines these days due to over-harvesting and other factors. We should pray to the Creator that there will be more sent for the generations to come and we should only take what we need.

*I asked Linda if it was okay to share what she had taught and if there was any protocol to consider when sharing these teachings. She said it was okay to share, with the important thing being acknowledging where I was gifted these teachings from. Thank you Linda!

[tipsycad147]

Herbal Healing

Picture https://es.123rf.com/

The practice of using plants to heal our bodies is as ancient as life itself. Throughout the ages human beings and animals alike have learned to harness the healing powers of the vegetative world. The Universe, being in such perfect order, has surely given us all that we need to be in a balanced state of health at all times. We only need to discover the gifts that lie hidden from us in plain sight!  Through my years of herbal study, I have discovered that much of what our bodies need for optimal health and wellness can be found growing all around us, often in our own back yards. As so many amazing advancements have been made in the practice of western medicine, it has been easy to forget the wisdom of the crones, sages, shamans and wise-women of our past, and the simplicity of bringing our bodies into balance naturally. I believe that there is nothing more empowering than knowing we are capable of maintaining a positive state of health and effectively healing any issues that may arise. By gaining a basic understanding of the resources available to us, we take control of our own health and wellbeing by empowering ourselves with knowledge.  Throughout the past 15 years I have had the privilege of helping many people discover how to use herbal medicine and be efficient in healing quickly when issues arise. This can often be attained by gaining just a basic understanding of herbal medicine. I have seen lives change as people have learned to use herbs to enhance their healing process with issues ranging from acne to cancer, and have been fortunate to watch their transformations as they discover their ability to take greater control of their own lives.  I firmly believe that this is possible for everyone, not just a fortunate few.   Whether you are suffering from illness, or simply looking to gain information to enhance your health, I invite you to navigate the following herbal reference chart. This chart contains basic information on easy to find herbs, their medicinal properties, and common uses.* It is by no means a complete guide, but a beginning reference tool for those who are interested in learning to harness the healing powers of the plant world.

Herbal Reference Chart Common name: Aloe Vera Latin name: Aloe Vera Common uses: Burns and sunburn, stretch marks, warts, wounds Parts used: Leaves Preparations: Juice, gel, tincture Considerations: Do not use the bitter yellow juice from the base of the leaves on the skin. Do not take internally while pregnant or breast feeding. Do not use if suffering from haemorrhoids or kidney disease. Common name: Artichoke Latin name: Cynara scolymus Common uses: Protects liver against toxins and infection, helps gallbladder problems, nausea, indigestion and abdominal distension. Lowers blood cholesterol levels, lowers blood sugar Parts used: Flower heads, leaves, root Preparations: Decoction, tincture, juice, powder, infusion Considerations:--- Common name: Ashwaganda Latin name: Withania somnifera Common uses: Alzheimer's, arthritis, anemia, autoimmune disorders, diminished sex drive, cancer, carpal tunnel syndrome, stress reduction, male fertility, rejuvenative tonic Parts used: Leaves, root Preparations: Capsules, decoction, infusion, powder Considerations: Do not eat ashwaganda berries. Avoid this herb while taking tranquillisers or prescription medications for anxiety, insomnia or seizure disorders Common name: Astragalus, milk vetch, huang qi Latin name: Astragalus membranaceus Common uses: Angina, atherosclerosis, bladder infections, colds, congestive heart failure, diabetes, cancer, energy tonic, heart attack, HIV/AIDS, infertility, immune stimulant, lupus, myasthenia gravis, rheumatoid arthritis Parts used: Root Preparations: Decoction, tincture, capsule, powder Considerations: Do not take while suffering from skin disorders or while taking prescription blood thinning medications like Warfarin or beta-blockers such as Lopressor. Use with caution during immune-suppressive therapy or while suffering from an auto-immune disease Common name: Bilberry Latin name: Vaccinium myrtillus Common uses: Atherosclerosis, high blood pressure, peptic ulcer, prostatitis, eye disorders, varicose veins, haemorrhoids, capillary fragility Parts used: Fruits, leaves Preparations: Tablets, decoction, tincture, dried fruit, infusion Considerations: Do not take during pregnancy or use for more than 3 weeks at a time. Do not use if you are suffering from a bleeding disorder or are taking anti-coagulants such as Warfarin. People with diabetes should monitor their blood sugar while taking this herb Common name: Butcher's broom Latin name: Ruscus aculeatus Common uses:  Haemorrhoids, varicose veins, vertigo, circulation issues Parts used: Aerial parts, rhizome Preparations: Powder, tincture, decoction, infusion Considerations:  Do not take if suffering from high blood pressure Common name: Calendula, pot marigold Latin name: Calendula officinalis Common uses: Acne and boils, allergies, athlete's foot, bites and stings, bowel disease, breast tenderness, diaper rash, digestive infections, skin rash, varicose veins, wounds and bruises Parts used: Flowers Preparations: Infused oil, cream, ointment, tincture, infusion, Considerations: Use calendula internally for no more than two weeks at a time with a six-week break between courses Common name: Catnip Latin name: Nepeta cataria Common uses:  Sedative, settles stomach, reduces fever. Helps treat colds and flu, indigestion and colic. Treats headache related to digestive problems. Used as an ointment to treat haemorrhoids Parts used: Aerial parts Preparations: Ointment, tincture, infusion Considerations: --- Common name: Cayenne, chilli Latin name: Capsicum frutescens Common uses: Poor circulation, gas and colic, combating infection, sore throat Parts used: Fruit Preparations: Powder, capsule, tablets, tincture, ointment Considerations: Follow dosing instructions carefully.  Do not take seeds on their own. Do not take if suffering from peptic ulcers or acid indigestion. Do not take medicinal doses while pregnant or breast feeding Common name: Cinnamon Latin name: Cinnamomum verum Common uses: Colds, weak digestion, encouraging menstruation Parts used: Inner bark Preparations: Powder, tincture, essential oil, infusion, decoction Considerations: Cinnamon can be toxic if taken in excess. Do not take this essential oil internally except under professional supervision. Do not take medicinally during pregnancy Common name: Clove Latin name: Eugenia carophyllata Common uses: Acne, fever, fungal infections, neuralgia, toothache Parts used: Flower buds Preparations: Infusion, tincture, essential oil, Considerations: External use may cause dermatitis. Do not take this essential oil internally except under professional supervision Common name: Comfrey, knitbone Latin name: Symphytum officinale Common uses: Acne and boils, fractures, fungal infections, wound healing, skin rashes, stiff and aching joints Parts used: Aerial parts, root Preparations: Chopped leaves, cream, infused oil, ointment, salve Considerations: Do not use on dirty wounds since rapid healing may trap dirt or pus inside. Do not take internally except under professional supervision Common name: Crampbark, guelder rose Latin name: Viburnum opulus Common uses: Arthritis, back pain, breathing difficulties, cramps, menstrual pain, muscle relaxant, poor circulation in hands and feet, spastic constipation, stomach spasm Parts used: Bark Preparations: Decoction, lotion, tincture Considerations: --- Common name: Cumin Latin name: Cuminum cyminum Common uses: Relieves flatulence and bloating, stimulates digestion, reduces abdominal gas and distension, improves breast milk production. Helps insomnia, colds, fevers and scorpion stings (when mixed with onion juice) Parts used: Seeds Preparations: Powder, capsule, infusion, tincture Considerations: --- Common name: Dandelion Latin name: Taraxacum officinale Common uses: Acne and boils, constipation, detoxification for hangover, fluid retention, gallbladder problems Parts used: Leaves, root Preparations: Decoction, infusion, juice, tablets, tincture, salad Considerations: Do not use this herb while taking antibiotics or if suffering from gallstones, stomach ulcers or biliary tract obstructions. Use with caution while taking diuretic drugs, insulin or medications that reduce blood-sugar levels Common name: Echinacea Latin name: Echinacea angustifolia & E. Purpurea Common uses: Acne and boils, allergic rhinitis, bites and stings, canker sores, cold sores, coughs and bronchitis, earache, flu, sore throat, tonsillitis, asthma, urinary and fungal infections Parts used: Flower and root Preparations: Tincture, tablets, capsules, decoction, infusion Considerations: Extremely heating, use with caution during fever Common name: Elder Latin name: Sambucus nigra Common uses: Allergic rhinitis including hay fever, candidiasis, earache due to congestion, flu Parts used: Flowers, berries Preparations: Cream, infusion, tincture Considerations: --- Common name: Evening primrose Latin name: Oenothera biennis Common uses: Asthma, eczema, digestive problems, bloating, lowering blood pressure, whooping cough, sedative. May be useful for multiple sclerosis, rheumatoid arthritis, intermittent claudication and other problems relating to circulation Parts used: Leaves, stem, bark, flowers, seed, oil Preparations: Seed oil, tincture Considerations: Do not take evening primrose oil if suffering from epilepsy   Common name: Eyebright Latin name: Euphrasia Common uses: Allergic rhinitis, conjunctivitis, prevention of nosebleeds Parts used: Aerial parts Preparations: Decoction, tincture, infusion Considerations: Although eyebright counters liquid congestion, it should be used guardedly when dry, stuffy congestion is present Common name: Fennel Latin name: Foeniculum vulgare Common uses: Relieves bloating, settles stomach pain, stimulates appetite, and reduces abdominal distension. Treats kidney stones, sore throats, sore eyes and conjunctivitis. Soothes colic and teething, increases breast-milk production Parts used: Seeds, essential oil Preparations: Infusion, syrup, essential oil Considerations: In large amounts, fennel seeds are potentially toxic. Follow recommended dosage guidelines when taking therapeutically. Do not take this essential oil internally Common name: Fennugreek Latin name: Trigonella foenum-graecum Common uses: Encouraging weight gain especially in anorexia. Lowering fever, treating gastritis and gastric ulcers, inducing labour and increasing breast milk production. Thought to be anti-diabetic and to lower cholesterol levels. Externally used for abscesses, boils, ulcers and burns. Used as a douche for excessive vaginal discharge. Seeds also freshen breath and help restore a dulled sense of taste. Used in china to treat cervical cancer Parts used: Seeds Preparations: Decoction, tincture Considerations: Do not take during pregnancy Common name: Feverfew Latin name: Tanacetum parthenium Common uses: Arthritis, fevers, headaches and migraines Parts used: Aerial parts Preparations: Fresh leaves, capsules, tablets, tincture, infusion Considerations: Eating fresh leaves may cause canker sores in some individuals. Do not take feverfew if you are taking blood-thinning drugs such as warfarin. Do not take during pregnancy Common name: Garlic Latin name: Allium sativum Common uses: Acne, athlete's foot, colds and flu, cold sores, coughs and bronchitis, digestive infections, earache, fungal infections, high blood pressure, tonsillitis, urinary infections Parts used: Cloves Preparations: Chopped cloves, capsules, tablets Considerations: This is a heating herb; do not take with high fevers. People with very low blood pressure should use caution while taking garlic. Common name: German chamomile Latin name: Chamomilla recutita Common uses: Bites and stings, colic, congestion, eczema, indigestion, insomnia, asthma, morning and motion sickness, stomachache Parts used: Flowers Preparations: Cream, essential oil, ointment, infusion, tincture, Considerations: The fresh plant may cause dermatitis. Do not take this essential oil internally except under professional supervision. Do not use the oil during pregnancy   Common name: Ginger Latin name: Zingiber officinale Common uses: Arteriosclerosis, colds, cold sores, colic, constipation, fever, flu, gas, high blood pressure, morning sickness, motion sickness and nausea Parts used: Rhizome Preparations: Capsules, essential oil, decoction, tincture Considerations: Do not take ginger in medicinal doses if suffering from peptic ulcers. Do not take this essential oil internally except under professional supervision Common name: Grape Latin name: Vitis vinifera Common uses: Leaves (especially red) are astringent and anti-inflammatory. Used to treat diarrhoea, heavy menstrual bleeding, and uterine haemorrhage. Used as a wash for canker sores and a douche for vaginal discharge. Red leaves and grapes are useful in the treatment or varicose veins, haemorrhoids and capillary fragility. Sap from branches used as an eye wash. Grapes support the gastrointestinal tract and liver Parts used: Leaves, fruit, sap Preparations: Decoction, infusion, tincture, wine, wine vinegar Considerations: Do not use preparations involving wine if you have liver disease Common name: Hawthorn Latin name: Crataegus oxyacantha & C. monogyna Common uses: Heart tonic, blood pressure, enhancing memory Parts used: Flowers, berries Preparations: Tincture, decoction, tablets, infusion Considerations: Children and pregnant women should use only under professional supervision Common name: Lavender Latin name: Lavandula officinalis Common uses: Back pain, bites and stings, burns and sunburn, earache, headaches and migraine, insomnia, neuralgia, stiff and aching joints Parts used: Flowers Preparations: Tincture, essential oil, infusion, massage oil, Considerations: Do not take this essential oil internally except under professional supervision Common name: Lemon balm Latin name: Mellissa officinalis Common uses: Anxiety, depression, tension, cold sores, chicken pox and shingles, flu, nausea due to emotional problems, stomachache Parts used: Aerial parts Preparations: Essential oil, tincture, infusion, lotion, juice, ointment Considerations: Do not take this essential oil internally except under professional supervision Common name: Mullein Latin name: Verbascum thapsus Common uses: Coughs, congestion, tracheitis and bronchitis. Reduces mucus formation and stimulates coughing up phlegm. Used externally as a wound healer. Infused oil is used for ear infections and haemorrhoids Parts used:  Leaves, flowers Preparations: Powder, tincture, infused oil, infusion Considerations: Do not take if you are pregnant or nursing. Avoid mullein seeds as they are toxic Common name: Myrrh Latin name: Commiphora molmol Common uses: Acne and boils, canker sores, gum problems, sore throats Parts used: Gum resin Preparations: Tincture, essential oil, powder, capsules, mouthwash. Considerations: Do not use during pregnancy. Do not take this essential oil internally Common name: Nasturtium Latin name: Tropaeolum majus Common uses: Antibiotic, leaves increase resistance to bacterial infection and clear nasal and bronchial passages. Leaves and flowers are high in vitamin C, seeds have purgative properties Parts used: Flowers, leaves, seeds Preparations: Tincture, salad, infusion Considerations: --- Common name: Neem Latin name: Azadirachta indica Common uses: Eczema, gum disease, haemorrhoids, lice, malaria, ulcers, intestinal worms, wound healing Parts used: Bark, leaves, twigs, seeds, sap Preparations: Infusion, infused oil, ointment, decoction Considerations: Not to be taken internally by children, the elderly or the debilitated Common name: Nettle, stinging nettle Latin name: Urtica dioca Common uses:  Allergic rhinitis including hay fever, anemia, asthma, bites and stings, diaper rash, diminished sex drive, hives, improved breast milk production, lupus, nosebleeds, prostate problems Parts used: Aerial parts, root Preparations: Capsules, decoction, infusion, ointment, soup Considerations: Use this herb only in cooked form. Do not take while suffering from the flu, kidney disease or congestive heart failure.  Use with caution while taking prescription medications Common name: Pau d'arco, Lapacho Latin name: Tabebuia Common uses: Fever, infections, inflammation, diabetes, parasitic infection, beneficial for certain types of cancer Parts used: Inner bark Preparations: Decoction, ointment, tincture Considerations: Make sure to use the whole bark when using this herb and not just the isolated constituent lapachol. Do not use while pregnant or nursing Common name: Quaking aspen Latin name: Populus tremuloids Common uses: Pain relief, arthritic and rheumatic headaches. Lowers fever, relieves diarrhoea, irritable bowel syndrome, urinary tract infection Parts used: Bark Preparations: Decoction, tincture Considerations: Do not take quaking aspen if allergic to aspirin Common name: Raspberry Latin name: Rubus idaeus Common uses: Conjunctivitis, mouth-wash, ulcers, wound healing, treats excessive vaginal discharge and diarrhoea. Use of leaves encourages easy labour by strengthening the uterus Parts used: Leaves, fruit Preparations: Tincture, powder, infusion Consideration: Do not take medicinally during the early stages of pregnancy Common name: Red Clover Latin name: Trifolium pratense Common uses: Treating skin conditions and menopausal complaints. Blood purifier and builder Parts used: Flower heads Preparations: Powder, tincture, infusion Considerations: Use sparingly when trying to conceive as studies have shown the herb to have a contraceptive effect in sheep Common name: Rosemary Latin name: Rosmarinus officinalis Common uses: Migraines, premenstrual tension, sore throats, tired and aching muscles Parts used: Leaves Preparations: Tincture, essential oil, infusion Considerations: Do not take this essential oil internally except under professional supervision Common name: Sage Latin name: Salvia officinalis Common uses: Bites and stings, cancer sores, diarrhoea, hot flashes and night sweats, sore throats Parts used: Leaves Preparations: Tincture, infusions, salves Considerations: Do not take therapeutic doses during pregnancy or if epileptic Common name: Saw palmetto Latin Name: Sabal serrulata Common uses: Impotence and premature ejaculation, HIV/AIDS, hormonal disorders, prostate infection and cancer Parts used: Berries Preparations: Tincture, infusion Considerations: Do not take if you are pregnant or trying to become pregnant. Do not use this herb while on birth control pills or hormone replacement therapy Common name: Slippery elm Latin name: Ulmus rubra Common uses: Acidity and indigestion, acne and boils, constipation in children, haemorrhoids Parts used: Inner bark Preparations: Capsules, poultice, powder, tablets, decoction Considerations: Take slippery elm at least one-half hour before or after taking other medications as it may interfere with absorbency Common name: St. John's wort Latin name: Hypericum perforatum Common uses: Anxiety, depression, tension, back pain, bites and stings, cold sores, chickenpox and shingles, neuralgia, stiff and aching joints and muscles Parts used: Flowers Preparations: Cream, infused oil, infusion, tincture Considerations: May cause sensitivity to sunlight Common name: Tea tree Latin name: Melaleuca alternifolia Common uses:  Acne and boils, athlete's foot, dandruff, vaginal infections Parts used: Leaves Preparations: Cream, infusion, essential oil, suppositories Considerations: Do not take this essential oil internally except under professional supervision Common name: Thyme, garden thyme Latin name: Thymus vulgaris Common uses: Asthma, back pain, bites and stings, bronchitis, colds, congestion, coughs, earache, fungal infections, tired and aching muscles Parts used: Aerial parts Preparations: Essential oil, infusion, syrup, tincture Considerations: Do not take this essential oil internally. Do not use essential oil externally during pregnancy Common name: Valerian Latin name: Valeriana officinalis Common uses: Chronic anxiety, high blood pressure caused by stress and anxiety, insomnia, nervous exhaustion, premenstrual tension, sleeplessness due to tension Parts used: Root and rhizome Preparations: Decoction, tablets, tincture, powder Considerations: May cause drowsiness. Do not take valerian if you are using other sleep-inducing medication Common name: White willow Latin name: Salix alba Common uses: Arthritis and joint inflammation, back pain due to joint inflammation, hot flashes and night sweats Parts used: Bark Preparations: Tincture, decoction, tablets Considerations: Avoid if allergic to aspirin Common name: Winter savoury Latin name: Satureja montana Common uses: Settles gas, helps alleviate flatulence, colic, chest infection and bronchitis. Essential oil is strongly antibacterial and may treat candidiasis and other fungal conditions Parts used: Flowering tops, essential oil Preparations: Tincture, essential oil, infusion Considerations: Do not take this essential oil internally without professional supervision. Do not take during pregnancy Common name: Witch hazel Latin name: Hamamelis virginiana Common uses: Bruises, wound cleansing, eczema, haemorrhoids, varicose veins Parts used: Leaves and bark Preparations: Tincture, ointment, infusion, distilled witch hazel, decoction Considerations: Take internally only under professional supervision Common name: Yarrow Latin name: Achillea millefolium Common uses: Wound cleansing, fever reduction, colds and flu, varicose veins, digestive infections Parts used: Aerial parts Preparations: Tincture, essential oil, infusion, Considerations: In rare cases allergies may occur. Use this essential oil under professional supervision. Do not take during pregnancy Common name: Yellow dock, curled dock Latin name: Rumex crispus Common uses: Acne, boils, constipation, eczema Parts used: Root Preparations: Decoction, tincture Considerations: Do not take during pregnancy or while breast-feeding *This information is not intended to take the place of your regular health care provider. Rather, it is presented to help empower and assist you with knowledge, and provide you with tools to help facilitate your healing process. First and foremost, remember that you are the best source of information when it comes to knowing what your body needs. Learning to listen to and trust your inner guidance is always the first step in remembering how to heal on every level of your being. **Some information on this chart was partially adapted from the encyclopedia of medicinal plants. 

https://www.thewayofthewitch.com/herbal-healing.html 

[shmpoompls]

Luxure| Seven Deadly Sins AU

I told you I would do this. I’m indulging, also I’m sick with an earache that’s making me want to catch myself on fire so this is all I can do to make myself feel better. 

There are seven traits every human has. 

Lust.

Greed.

Envy.

Gluttony.

Sloth.

Pride.

Wraith.

Some of these we suppress, some we let run rampant, but wither you want to admit it or not these are in you, right now. I’ve seen these things in humanity for years, I’ve grown rather fond of these things, I guess it first started in the 1700s, a wealthy countess in France, Amélie Lacroix.

She was a beautiful woman, a ballerina. Her skin was like ivory and her hair was raven black. She was the envy of every man in France but only one man could win her over; Gerard Lacroix. They were married for twenty years when she summoned me.

I like to enter with a show, red hot flames broke from the Countess’s ground as I rose with my wings outstretched. Thorns broke from the ground and formed a messy throne than I rested on. I placed my head in my hand and held my staff to the ground. “Mercy as summoned,” I said.

“You’re...” she began to say slowly, I rolled my eyes, knowing this cat and mouse game.

“Yes, I’m the Devil, you summon me, I show up, it’s not a hard concept, dear,” I explained. “Now, what do you want?”

She closed her lips tightly. “I want my husband dead,” she said strictly. “I have learned of an affair he has been having. I cannot stand to even breathe the same air as him!”

“Good for you,” I said. “So kill him, why do you need me?”

Amélie gave me a sad look, I knew right away why I was called. Not to kill him, no she wanted him dead at her own hands, but one thing kept her from doing what she wanted. Her heart. Deep down she did still love him, this alone kept her from killing him. “You want me to take your humanity?” I said, feeling a grin creep across my face. “Oh that’s brilliant!”

“Being alive has too much pain,” she said. “I’d rather be dead and never hurt again. Can you do that.”

“Oh I can do anything darling,” I laughed. “For a price.”

“I have millions of dollars, I’m the richest woman in town,” she explained, but I held up my finger to cut her short.

“No, my love, I have no use for money,” I said. “What I need is your soul.”

“My soul?” she said, putting her heart on her chest. “What would that mean exactly?”

“Once you die, you’ll become a demon, and belong to me,” I said through a grin. “And if it makes you feel better, I will give you powers beyond your belief. Not like you’ll miss it though after I take your humanity.”

“When will you take it?” she said, her eyes wide with fear. They never think this part through do they? Nothing good is free, when will they learn.

“You’ll know the moment you do,” I started to stand slowly. I snapped my fingers and a scroll unrolled infront of her saying the deal. A black quill appeared in my hand and I help it out to her. “Do we have a deal, love?” She paused. She looked over the scroll, then hardened her face. She snatched the quill from my hand and scratched her name on the parchment. “Deal.”

“Perfect,” I said. I grabbed her by her hair and pulled her in. Our lips collided but I promise this is anything but affection. A black energy surrounded  Amélie, it was so dark it seemed to kill any light around her. Starting at her lips, her skin began to change, a light purple went through her skin, taking away the original beautiful ivory. Her hair went from black to dark blue and the light in her dimmed until it was snuffed. When I pulled back, she was like a limp doll. She stumbled back until her back hit the wall. She placed a hand on her forehead and groaned quietly.

“How do you feel,  Amélie?” I said, crossing my arms.

“Not  Amélie,” she said. “She is dead.” She straightened her back and opened her eyes, which were now a glowing yellow. “Widowmaker.”

I smirked. “Yes, Widowmaker, and now one more gift,” I whisked my hand and black energy went through her hands until a black gun was in her hands. “The Widow’s Kiss,” I said. “Now, put the first notch on there, will you.” I vanished in an explosion of flames. I wasn’t there when she killed him but I can tell you one thing, she didn’t hesitate. 

When I returned, she was the same as when I left, empty. Apparently she went on quiet the killing spree. One wasn’t enough to satisfy, I assumed. She’ll make a perfect vessel for what I had been working on.

I walked in through her balcony, her hair was down, but not messy, she wore a long, black dress and a black veil over her face.

“I wore this to the funeral,” she said, not looking in my direction. “I wore the veil so no one could see what I had become. But also so no one could see how I wasn’t crying, they would have caught me for sure if that was the case.”

“Are you happy with this change, Widowmaker?”

“No, but then again, I have no emotions,” she said. She turned to me and drew back the veil. “You’re here to collect, I assume.”

“Yes, you’re time is up in this form, I’m afraid,” I said with a shrug. 

“What do you me-” before she could finish a bullet went straight through her forehead. She didn’t know this but a rumor had spread that she was the one that killed Gerard, so people were already plotting to kill her. I can’t take a soul from the living, so I wait until dead to corrupt them. 

From her body rose a golden orb, the soul. I walked close to it and held it in my hand. “Oh  Amélie, you will make the perfect Lust,” I said as the soul changed from gold to black from my touch. “You will truly have the Baiser de la mort.”

[nyappyforeverbr]

An Cafe Official Blog 15/08/2017 Tittle:”The HEROI without fame that does not fly through the sky has gained a name o(≧ ∀ ≦)o ” Original Post here

Nyappy o(≧ ∀ ≦)o Miku. Thank you for always following. I apologize for not writing on the blog yesterday after Live. In my memory I think I never stopped writing after a presentation. Am I right?

My body was fine but my head was aching and at the time of writing it seemed that everything was spinning and I ended up doing nothing. If I do not write soon after what happened, my memory ends up cooling, I do not like it As LIVE was extensive I was in the middle of a loud sound for a long time I ended up getting headache and earache, in the middle of LIVE that feeling was horrible, but with a good rest I was able to relieve myself. The most important day for me ended "SUMMER DIVE Replay" and "SUMMER DIVE NEO". I was very happy with both. First was the SUMMER DIVE Resubmission.

"It would be so good if we could travel together in time" LIVE was very enthusiastic and took a lot more time. I wanted to travel nine years ago around the world that we built, without changing practically anything, like giving a "DIVE" in time. I craved it, but things happened differently. For there was all our growth as a band and the cafekkos. And most of all, I like being on a stage more than that time.

The past and present were connected, it was an experience full of emotion. Thanks to this environment around me that makes me like it even more. Thank you for this, thank you very much. Sure there are older people around here, and I ask everyone, which one do you prefer the current or the old An Cafe? At this point, if the people I enjoy succeeded in attracting other people to this world would be good, but it is a difficult thing.

SET LIST SE (the same as 9 years ago) 1. Maple Gunman 2. Touhikairo 3. Takaido 4. Cherry Saku Yuuki !! 5. Snow Scene 6. Ese Uranai 7. Odoru Meruhen Tokei 8. Love In Hankagai 9. Etc. 10. Duck in Magical Adventure 11. NYAPPY in the world 12. SUMMER DIVE 13. Koritsu Hospital 14. Kakusei Heroism EN 15. Meguriaeta Kiseki 16. Tekesuta Kousen 17. 3P 18. BondS ~Kizuna~ 19. Smile Ichiban Ii Onna

In NYAPPY in the world that was played in the past there was a trail of flowers, this time as there was nothing, I asked the caffeko to lift from their accents, and they all accompanied the music. But asking everyone to get out of their seats made my size (softly) catch my eye. I was a bit angry, but still no problem. The impression I had of myself was like "Kakusei Heroism", the best thing that could be. "The HEROI without fame that does not fly through the sky has gained a name" No matter how many times I sing this song, I start to think of several exciting things. It's a dream come true, the band will become something that anyone can be proud of!

Once again thank you for the presence of all, were very joyful moments.

And the second part "SUMMER DIVE NEO" "SUMMER DIVE is a world called SUMMER DIVE NEO more evolved where people can experience" was the feeling they wanted to get through.

Comparing the two parts, the second was more awaited than the first. And the people who participated only in the first part I am not holding grudges (rs). As usual I am my own rival and before I started the first part of the live I thought "Summer this year will be the best time" It would make it come true with all my might. .SE 1. Amazing blue 2. SENNEN DIVE !!!!! 3. SUMMER DIVE 4. Mousou Momou Sorosoro 5. JUMBO 6. Natsu Koi ☆ Natsu Game 7. Jibun Setsumeisho 8. Hot Night Dance Championship 9. Seishun TRAIN 10. RO-MAN 11. NYAPPY in the world 12. JIBUN 13. My heart Leaps for "C" EN 14. Natsuiro (Yuzu cover) 15. YOU 16. Laugh Song 17. Ikenai mousou x Abunai monster

Talking about NEO, the HOT NIGHT DANCE PARTY was made because we wanted to have some time to dance. The mark was the lights (laser) and the image of the limbs on the back. Who recommended this to us was the staff.

Will not I forget the expression they did on SUMMER DIVE when you were looking at their backs (rs) like muscles? The song Jibun Setsumeisho was a song that wanted to sing at any cost. No one can live like a simple feather thrown in the wind. Even if it does make a small slip, for other people it may be nothing, but my vision is a major obstacle. Apart from these things it is difficult to clarify something so simple. But everyone has his way of overcoming, that is living.

I wanted to convey that feeling. The HOT NIGHT DANCE PARTY Battle made my stomach ache from laughing so much. Kanon is very clever, and as an artist he earned my respect. On the cover of Yuzu, even needing to sing and play at the same time, I had to work hard for it.

I prayed a lot for this and as a reward, I was praised by my father and the staff. How cool! And also for all life I will not forget that you sang to YOU. Everyone's expression next to the music and the atmosphere was a very strong feeling. It was the best gift I could get.

After watching all that excitement on the DVD (recorded by the staff), it gave me the strength to work even harder!

For me this was not a waste, it was the best day.

Thanks for the gifts and letters. The next will be on August 29 "SUMMER DIVE YANEN". Tomorrow we will have a meeting about the content. Make sure it will be a very pleasant time, so I'll be waiting for you.

Well, good night.

[rastronomicals]

6:30 AM EDT August 16, 2020:

Korn - "My Gift To You /Earache My Eye" From the album Follow the Leader (August 18, 1998)

Last song scrobbled from iTunes at Last.fm

Interpolating the Cheech & Chong bit as a hidden track

[imagineclaireandjamie]

Mac Ruaidh - Part Four

Part One, Part Two, Part Three

One of the horses lost a shoe in the upper field so Jamie had to bring her back to the stable early in the afternoon.

“I’ll do the job for you if you’ll go to the kitchens and grab summat to eat,” Harris offered rubbing a hand on his belly.

“And why can ye no go to the kitchens yerself?” Jamie asked with a laugh. “Afraid of Cook are ye?”

“No afraid, man,” Harris shook his head but grinned as he pointed out, “but up the house they have a habit of givin’ you better than the rest of us when it comes to food. You’ll likely come away with a bit of meat where I’d get cheese and bread at most and far more likely a hand smacked.”

“Fine,” Jamie agreed. “I ought to check on Willie anyhow. He’s been cuttin’ a tooth and––”

But Harris waved Jamie off as he started leading the horse to a stall where he could work on replacing the shoe.

Jamie rolled his eyes and gladly headed toward the house. Willie should be wide awake from his afternoon nap––assuming the poor lad had been able to sleep at all––but tired or not, he always greeted Jamie with a broad smile and a gleeful squeal. No matter how physically exhausted Jamie might be after working with the horses all day, spending that short time with Willie before he went down for the night was the best part of Jamie’s day.

As had become habit, Jamie stopped to wash up in the bucket of rainwater by the back kitchen door before heading into the kitchen. Cook poked her head out at the sound of him and smiled with relief.

“You did get word then,” she said, wiping her hands on her apron and ushering him into the house.

“Word? Word of what?” Jamie asked, immediately on edge. He looked to the corner where Sabrina and one of the kitchen maids took it in turns to keep an eye on Willie throughout the day. “Something’s happened?”

“The lad’s just been fussy with that tooth of his,” Cook explained. “He was loud enough it caught the mistress’ attention and she offered to take him for a spell, see if she couldn’t get him to calm and give the girls a break.”

Jamie’s mouth formed a tight line as he nodded. “I see. So she’s got him in the parlor, then?”

“Aye and I think Miss Isobel is with her. They’ve not had callers today so the boy’s providing a bit of diversion for them.”

Jamie tried not to snort derisively as he made to brush past Cook.

“If it’s not word of the babe that’s brought you to the house…” she began.

“Harris. He’s after a bite and is convinced ye give me better than ye’d give him were he to come himself.”

“Fool,” Cook muttered and shook her head as she started to fetch and assemble a basket for Jamie to take when he went back to the barn.

But Jamie had already passed through the kitchen and into the main house doing what he could to straighten his clothes into something presentable as he headed for the parlor. One of the maids spotted him coming and ducked in to give her mistress a warning though he could hear Willie’s uncomfortable whimpers from the hall.

Lady Dunsany and Isobel were sitting side-by-side on a sofa with Willie in Lady Dunsany’s lap squirming and red-faced from having been crying. Isobel had a damp cloth in her hands and appeared to have been either wiping Willie’s face with it or letting him chew on it––perhaps both. Seeing Jamie, she pulled the cloth away from the baby and fiddled with it nervously in her hands, the twisting motion releasing some of the water from the cloth and creating a wet spot on her skirts. Lady Dunsany showed no self-consciousness as Jamie entered the room and actually rose to greet him.

Willie spotted Jamie and broke out into fresh tears as he reached eagerly for his father.

Jamie was only too happy to take him and hold him close, letting the lad rub his face into his shirt and sob himself into exhaustion against his neck. Jamie was shocked at the heat emanating from the small body and raised a hand to Willie’s forehead. It was more than just the heat of a child worked up and crying; he was feverish.

“I know,” Lady Dunsany said with quiet concern. “I’ve already sent for the physician to come and have a look at him.”

“A physician?” Jamie asked skeptically as he shifted Willie in his arms and rubbed his back. The lad’s crying dropped to a persistent whimper as though he feared the adults would forget his complaint if he stopped making noise. Jamie looked down at Willie who reached up and pulled on his own ear with frustration––perhaps because he still didn’t have enough hair to make the gesture worthwhile.

“You needn’t worry about it MacKenzie,” Lady Dunsany insisted with a brief movement of her eyes to glance at her daughter without turning her head to look at her directly. “He is a friend of the family and even cared for Isobel here when she was a small.”

Jamie offered as polite a smile as he could manage. “I have no doubt as to the fellow’s credentials,”––which he didn’t; he was sure the physician was as practiced as most of his profession but if he’d learned anything from Claire it was how little such men knew about what they were doing––“ma’am, my concerns are more… financial in nature.”

“We’ll take care of it,” Lady Dunsany assured him, an assurance that she supplied fast enough to catch her daughter by surprise. “Having so recently suffered the loss of a child, I should hate to see anyone else suffer in a similar manner,” she explained with a little too much practice. Isobel flushed with embarrassment and uttered a low, “Mama.”

“I thank ye for yer offer,” Jamie continued with practiced civility coating the iron of his will, “but I’d like to see how he does wi’ me tonight before ye go to the trouble of bringin’ in a physician to see him.”

“It’s no matter now. I already sent for him––invited him to dinner too, so if it indeed turns out to be nothing, it’ll be no bother for him.”

Jamie’s teeth clenched tightly even as he smiled and nodded to Lady Dunsany. “Then I’ll take Willie here to have a rest until yer physician arrives. Dinna want him passing his fever on to anyone else should it prove dangerous.” A lump of fear formed in his chest just alluding to such a possibility and he fought the urge to cross himself and say a prayer right there in front of the two ladies. He only waited until he and Willie were out of the parlor and headed back to the kitchen to start muttering the prayers of the rosary in Latin and then French to himself, pausing briefly to ask Cook to pass the message along to Harris that his son was ill and he would not be able to finish with the horses that evening.

“So long as he gets this basket I don’t think he’ll mind,” Cook said to ease Jamie’s conscious. “You take care of your little one and if you need help or advice, don’t be shy about asking.”

Jamie nodded before turning and heading up the stairs to the quiet of the servants’ quarters, blissfully empty at this hour of the afternoon.

Once in his room, Jamie took Willie and laid him down on the bed, checking him over as he wriggled and writhed, gnawing on his hand and drooling on everything. No matter which part of Willie he touched––arm, back, foot––he was hotter than he should be.

“Open yer mouth there, a bhailach,” Jamie said as he tried to examine Willie’s gums. Wet fingers closed around his and Jamie was able to just make out the spot where the new tooth was getting ready to break through before Willie bit down hard. “Ifrinn!” he exclaimed, pulling his finger free of the babe’s mouth and shaking some feeling back into the digit. Startled, Willie began to wail again, his hand going back up and rubbing at his ear. He was beginning to make the skin around it red with the chaffing.

“Is it yer ear then, mo chiusle?” Jamie asked quietly, hoping a calmer tone would soothe him. He gently turned Willie’s head to examine the ear. There were no cuts or scrapes to it that he could see but an earache…

He remembered staying up with wee Kitty a time or two while she’d been teething but he’d been living in the cave for the bairns that came after her. Still he thought he recalled…

“Claire,” he breathed her name as the memory washed over him. It hadn’t been Kitty and teething but Maggie who had developed an earache at one point. When Claire worked out how best to treat it, she’d mentioned that some children had a tendency to develop ear infections when they teethed––during her nurse’s training she had treated a few children who suffered from them.

“How is he?” Sabrina asked meekly from the doorway. There was a different brand of fear written across her face, the fear of seeing something familiar and horrible starting all over again.

“I need clean cloth and some water to boil by the hearth here if ye can fetch it for me,” Jamie requested as he picked Willie up and began to rock him soothingly. Now that he had an idea what was wrong, Jamie felt the comfort of at least having a plan to follow. Sabrina nodded and turned away.

“Christ, Claire,” Jamie murmured as he pressed his cheek to Willie’s feverish head. “Help me do this well. Help me do as you would, did I have ye here.”

When Sabrina returned with the requested materials and had set the water to boil, Jamie sent her back for some goat’s milk; they had already started weaning Willie and it seemed an easy way to keep Sabrina busy.

“All right lad,” Jamie crooned as he laid Willie on the bed again and placed one of the cloths beneath his head. “I ken this’ll hurt a bit,” he explained as he retrieved a flask of whisky from the table drawer by his bed. Lord John had given it to him before departing at the end of his last quarterly visit but Jamie, unsure what to make of the gift, had put it away with no intent to drink it. “Putting it to medicinal use seems fair enough, though,” he whispered as he curled the end of a second piece of cloth and dipped it into the whisky.

Securing the flask again and setting it aside, Jamie leaned over Willie, took a deep breath, and apologized. “I’m sorry for this, mo chiusle.” He turned Willie’s head to the side so the bothersome ear was exposed and fed the end of the whisky soaked cloth into it before squeezing to release a few drops. As the alcohol hit the child’s inflamed inner ear, a screaming wail filled the room and the small body fought to get away from Jamie, the source of the pain.

“Hush, hush, hush,” Jamie tried to soothe him, rubbing his belly. Tears rose in his own eyes at the anguish of Willie’s cries. Rubbing the whisky left on the cloth on his finger, Jamie slipped it into Willie’s open mouth and rubbed it into the gums over his budding tooth.

The screaming cry quieted and Willie sucked at Jamie’s finger, the tears sliding down his cheeks and drying as his body shook with the effort to calm his sobs. Jamie smiled down at him even as he dreaded the prospect of repeating the procedure in another few hours. “Tha’s better now, no?” He pulled his finger from Willie’s mouth and the baby smacked his lips. “Aye, ye’re a true Scot now, eh? Got a taste for fine whisky already.” He tried to wink at Willie who blinked and smiled back at him.

“Is he feeling better now?” Sabrina asked as she brought in the goat’s milk. “Lady Dunsany came running to the kitchen and seemed about to come up when she heard him hollerin’ like that just now.”

“If she asks, ye can tell her he’ll be fine,” Jamie said. “I’ve got all the help I need.”

Sabrina nodded and watched Jamie as he pulled off Willie’s clothes until the babe was in naught but his clout. Willie grabbed his foot and pulled it to his mouth, chewing on his toes and twisting to look at Sabrina. Jamie took one of the clean cloths and soaked it in the goat’s milk for a moment before giving it to Willie to chew and suck on, taking the free end and tickling Willie’s belly with it then the abandoned toes.

She slipped out of the room and left Jamie to watch over his son in peace.

“Thank ye, Sassenach,” Jamie whispered when they were alone again. “Ye’re always wi’ me when I need ye.” He could feel the warm weight of her in his chest, loosening the knot of fear over Willie’s fever as the boy yawned and the milk soaked cloth slipped out of his mouth. The wetness stuck to his nose as he tried to get it back into his mouth on his own. Jamie took it from him for a moment to soak it with more milk and then helped him find the tasty end again.

“Stay wi’ me, Sassenach,” he breathed. “Please? Stay till I’m sure.” He brushed his fingers over Willie’s forehead as his eyes closed. Repositioning Willie on the bed, Jamie took the cloths that had been used and slipped them into the small pan of warming water to be sterilized, grinning at the thought of the smile Claire would wear to see him following her instructions without argument. She would keep him company while he watched and nursed Willie. She would nudge him in the right direction until his son was well again, helping him protect Willie from whatever quack Lady Dunsany might send.

[survival0001-blog]

First Aid Kit For Survival

New Post has been published on https://outdoorsurvivalqia.com/trending/first-aid-kit-for-survival/

First Aid Kit For Survival

How to make a first aid kit for survival has been on my mind a lot lately. I recently had a reader ask me about the quality of my Stanley Fat Max. She didn’t know I had made a first aid kit with one. So I updated this post today. You may remember I wrote a post about my portable kitchen. Portable Kitchen

I’m grateful I have neighbors who will call me when they have giant hives and ask if I have some Benadryl. Of course, I do.

His wife called me and the first thing I asked his wife was, “Is he having trouble breathing because if he is, call 911”. This is the third time I have been over to help this wonderful neighbor of mine. He was not having trouble breathing, thank goodness!

I asked, “does it feel like your airway is closing?” He said no to his wife who relayed that message to me as I’m talking on my cell phone running over to their house with my bottle of Benadryl.

After I entered through their front door, I told his wife to give him two right now and I will check on him every hour by phone. I’m grateful they called me and I was able to help them ward off the expense of an emergency room visit.

His wife called me around 8:30 p.m. that night to reassure me he was doing very well. They both know me well enough to understand that I care so much for their well being.

I could sleep better knowing he was finally able to stop the scratching and he was going to be okay. Remember, I am not a doctor, a nurse or medical caretaker, I’m just a neighbor and a friend.

You may remember seeing this original first aid kit post I wrote using a fishing tackle box: Plano Large 6-Tray Tackle Box PRINTABLE for that post:  Here’s the post if you missed it the first time: Fishing Tackle Box First Aid Kit

I also designed a first aid kit for a college student because my beautiful granddaughter was going off to college, and of course, this grandma wants her to be prepared and not have to run to the grocery store for simple medical supplies.

Here is a simple but great high school graduation gift for any graduate living away from home. PRINTABLE: First Aid Kit for College Here’s the post if you missed it the first time: College First Aid Kit

I really love my Plano large 6-tray tackle box, but it is very heavy and wouldn’t hold everything I wanted to have in a grab and go first aid kit. I now have that one and I feel much more prepared with everything I feel I need both containers, the Plano, and this new one.

This new first aid kit holds more and a few new items I felt necessary to be prepared for a neighborhood use or camping trip with the family. It’s really hot where I live in Southern Utah, so, therefore, this unit must be kept indoors or a lot of the items will deteriorate quickly.

I like that this unit opens up so I can see everything in the various compartments, and it folds down to a compact size with wheels as a bonus!

The bottom compartment holds a lot of stuff! This baby holds over 100 items and still has a little room for more! WooHoo! I love this first aid book, it’s my all-time favorite: The Survival Medicine Handbook: A Guide for When Help is Not on the Way Please get one of these for your home or first aid kit. You will love it!

I love that the Stanley FatMax is easy to open and close and is very durable as well. The low price is a bonus too! Stanley 020800R FatMax 4-in1 Mobile Work Station for Tools and Parts

First Aid Kit-Stanley Fat Max

Ace Wraps : 3 inch & 4 inch

Allergy Medicine

Anti-Bacterial Wipes

Antifungal Ointment

Anti-Diarrhea

Anti-Itch Cream

Aleve (Naproxen)

Alcohol: 90-100% proof

Apple Cider

Aspirin/Advil

Bandage Scissors

Band-Aids/Butterfly, Several Sizes

Bee Sting Kit

Benadryl, Liquid, and Chewable

Betadine/iodine swabs

Birth Control

Boudreaux’s Butt Paste

Bug Spray 100% Deet

Burn Gel

Calamine Lotion

Castor Oil

Cold Medicine/Cough Syrup

Contacts/Contact Cases/ Extra Glasses/Saline

Condoms

Cotton Balls

Cotton Swabs

Dramamine (motion sickness)

Dressings for open wounds

Duct Tape

Ear-Loop Masks (N-95), all sizes

Ear Plugs

Elastic Gauze Bandage Rolls

Epsom Salt

Essential Oils Book

Eye Patches

First-Aid Book

First-Aid Shears

Flashlights w/Batteries

Floss

Gloves (non-latex)

Gauze Pads (sterile and non-sterile)

Hand sanitizer

Heat packs-Heating pads

Hemorrhoid Ointment/Suppositories

Ibuprofen

Mylar Blankets

Hydrocortisone

Lip balm/ ChapStick

Lotion or Body Cream

Menstrual Pads and Tampons

Mucinex

Mucinex Dm

Motrin

Monistat (Yeast Infections)

Mouthwash

Molefoam/Moleskin

Multi-Task Knife

Nasal Decongestant PE

Nasal Spray (Afrin)

New Skin Liquid Bandage

Non-stick Sterile Pads

Nystatin and Triamcinolone Acetonide

Nail Clippers

Neosporin

Orajel

Petroleum Jelly

Pepto-Bismol Chewables

Peroxide

Pregnancy Test

Quickclot

Rolled Gauze

Scissors

Silver Gel

Silver Liquid

Silver Cough Lozenges

Sleep-Aid Medicine

Splinter Removal Kit

Splints

Soap

Stethoscope

Sunscreen

Surgical Face Masks (N-95), all sizes

Tick Remover

Toothbrushes/Toothpaste

Tucks Pads-Which Hazel

Tweezers

Tylenol

Vicks VapoRub

Zantac (Acid Reducer)

Ziplock Bags

VITAMINS

B-12 Vitamins

B-complex vitamins

Calcium

D-3 Vitamins

Magnesium

Mature Complete Multivitamin

Omega 3 Fish Oil

Vitamin C

Essential Oils

PRINTABLE: FIRST AID KIT Stanley Fax Max

Thanks for stopping by today to learn about being prepared for the unexpected. May God bless you for doing what your budget and time allow.

If you haven’t purchased my book you may want to get it so you are prepared before you need it. Prepare Your Family for Survival: How to Be Ready for Any Emergency or Disaster Situation It’s available at Amazon, Barnes, and Noble, Books a Million, Indie Bound, Google Books, Itunes, The Book Depository, Target, Walmart and many more stores online.

READERS:

Sideline 1950: Please consider adding the following items:

-Israeli Battle Dressing. -Tourniquet/s. -Thermometer/s. -Individual prescription meds for each family member (rotate as needed). -Cyalume Lightsticks (in addition to your Item #38 – Flashlights w/ Batteries). -Instant Cold Pack/s.

Sandi: a suture kit, A product such as Tempanol, which is temporary filling material for lost fillings & crowns. Anbesol is also high on my list for temporary toothaches,  Earache medication, this would include products used for eliminating water in the ears.

Hurricane Katrina by Linda

Copyright Images: Depositphotos_118570386_xl-2015First Aid Kit

The post First Aid Kit For Survival appeared first on Food Storage Moms.

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First Aid Kit For Survival

[susalh-blog]

Sure, Let’s Talk Health (Pt. 1)

I know that my children don’t understand my health situation.  I know they expect me to feel all better - and wonder why I don’t. The concept of having a chronic disorder/disease is intellectually understandable to them, but I still get questions and comments revolving around “are you better yet?”.  So let’s see if I can color in this paint-by-number topic to the point of providing clarity of subject matter.

I don’t remember a time when I was healthy - actually that’s not true; I remember being a healthish young adult.... but that’s much later and not quite true. I was a healthy baby, it would seem.  I recall neither the reality nor family stories.  Aside from accidentally swallowing a tinker toy when I was about 3, I don’t recall a medical thing happening to me.  

That changed when we moved to St. Louis, when I was around 4.  When I was 5, I had a horrid case of the measles.  I lay in bed in a dark room, for days. My fever crossed 105 degrees, 4 days in a row, and my parents thought that was the end of me.  I was too sick to transport to the hospital, so my pediatrician made a house call, hooking me up to IV’s in my thighs.  (This, by the way, was the start of a terrible needle phobia. You don’t get IV’s, with people holding you down while you thrashed having fever dreams, and not have a resultant phobia.)  I did survive but with my budding permanent teeth “fried” - I would have brownish teeth for the rest of my life. Yes, that is a thing - look it up.

As I said, I did survive, but was far too weak to go to kindergarten, so I was babysat by a lady up the block, while my mother worked on the 1960 National Census.  A couple days into this arrangement, the lady met us at the door highly agitated.  “Don’t come in!  My kids have the mumps!  Get Susan away from here!”

Mama took me home and called the pediatrician who, alarmed, brought us immediately into the office to begin a course of an experimental mumps vaccine.  I can remember the terror of getting this shot after my measles experience!  I shrieked and had to be held down - not once, but 3 times over the course of as many weeks.  Talk about nightmares.

Since I now needed to be carefully watched (for side effects of the shots as well as my weak constitution), Mama bundled me into the back of our Ford Falcon and drove me around while she went house to house conducting her census surveys.  I had a nest in the back seat: Blankets, pillows, books, paper, scissors, crayons and tape.  I was given milk and snacks at almost every stop to build up my strength and weight.  

After that, I have memories of constant sickness, but which I figured was normal childhood.  Beginning around 3rd grade, I was sick (missing school) basically a week of every month.  I had fierce sinus infections and miserable tonsillitis.  I never had my tonsils out because my pediatrician (who had saved my life, so could do no harm in my parents’ eyes) was “nouvelle” and felt that tonsils had to stay in.  I remember the feeling of a tonsil episode starting: A quivering feeling in the back of my throat - as though my throat were dry. So I would swallow and swallow and within an hour or so, the quiver had turned into t localized stab of pain.  Fever would shoot up, and I was down for the count. 

I also remember sickening sinus headaches, which often started at school and left me leaning against the bus windows coming home, letting the cool glass sooth my pain somewhat.  I would sometimes have to sick down on the walk home from the bus stop because I felt so so sick.  At home I went up to bed, using a Vicks inhaler and VapoRub on my face as a remedy.  The Vicks burned mightily, but I stood it, believing that it was literally burning the pain out of me.  As its pain ebbed, I usually fell asleep, and often work with the headache gone, but feeling rather groggy and stunned.  It was a miracle when SinuTabs were invented.  They would keep the pain down to a dull roar, and I could continue through my day.  As an adult, I realized that I LIVED with sinus infections - heavy yellow snot, unable to breathe, low grade fever and all - and never thought anything of it (except the feeling of aggravation that ‘here comes another one’).  It was not until I was an adult, and got my own adult doctor in Charlottesville, that I learned this was an infection, which needed to be dealt with, and which, miraculously! could be tamed with antibiotics!  

What were my parents thinking?  I don’t know.  These two monsters of my childhood, tonsillitis and sinusitis, were ignored. I was told to get dressed and get to school unless I had a fever (which I did a lot of the time as my report cards attest!) and told to get more sleep.  When I was sick, I was put to bed and basically ignored.  I had my own personal bed table for when I was sick.  I read a lot of books and made villages of cardboard on my bed.  As an adolescent, I was allowed to watch TV.  My mama would bring me lunch, usually soup and jello, but left me alone the rest of the time.  I don’t know. Maybe they were more attentive than I remember, but I have no memory of that at all, which really makes me sad.  I’m actually crying while writing this, because I feel so bad for that lonely little sick kid.  

One distinct memory - and I am sorry at both the pathos and the pity this will engender.  I remember one time when I had a stomach flu.  I was expected to get up and go throw up in the connecting bathroom (no trash can for me!). But I had such a high fever, and I was so ill, that all I could manage was to roll to the side of the bed and throw up on the floor and then, basically, pass out, until I needed to vomit the next time.  I can remember calling for my parents, but no one came.  That was in St. Louis in our big house, so maybe they didn’t hear me.  But no one came and I threw up several times.  I don’t recall having that mess cleaned up or what happened next.  

I also remember having fever dreams, where everything swelled to enormous size and I had to find my way out of a world of “balloon creatures”.  I can remember the joy of breaking out in a deep sweat and knowing my fever was breaking.  I can remember the odd, glassy, glowy feeling of stepping back into the real world where everything seemed fresh and shiny!

When our family moved to Washington, D.C., and I was in 5th grade (age 11), I missed my last month of school in St. Louis because I was violently ill with what I thought was tonsillitis, but was something more sinister -scarlet fever, perhaps?  We had to move from our house while I was ill, and my father went on to D.C., while my mother and I stayed in a nearby hotel.  I remember that the linens in that hotel felt awful, and the sofa bed I slept in was uncomfortable.  I recovered enough to go visit school on the last day.  My mother drove me there, and my classmates surprised me with a going away party!  They had little gifts for me, and we had a cake.  They couldn’t come near me for fear that I would pick up another germ. I remember waving to them, 10 feet away or so.  I loved my teachers, Mrs. Wall, for doing that for me.

In Washington, my “worst case ever seen” of measles, was joined by a “worse case ever seen” of chicken pox.  I had them between my toes, in my eyes, everywhere!  My niece and nephew, roughly 4 and 5 years old, also had them.  It was the March after my mother had died, and Dad and Anne had to work, so I babysat all three of us as we lived through the pox, then each developed secondary infections.  I can remember painting pink calamine on ourselves for both fun and relief, and begging my father for a gun like toy and setting up a shooting range in my room for fun.  Weird.  Horrid and weird. Where were the adults?!?

I also got a case of German measles, which seemed like lightweight stuff after the other two.  I never got the mumps: That experimental vaccine worked, it seemed.

In the year after my mother died, I missed school rather a lot with stomach aches.  Frankly, I don’t think that was actually illness; I think that was psychosomatic illness due to depression.  Whatever, I was home and binged on TV, days at a time.  I don’t remember much else about that period.

As I got older, I managed my headaches better and the tonsils seemed to settle down.  In college, I got a horrible earache, which the clinic told me was nothing, but which burst once I got home for Christmas.  Our hometown doctor was furious that they hadn’t dealt with it more actively.  That’s why my right ear has diminished hearing.  

Through my young adult years, I was plagued with hard strong, irregular periods.  At 22, I was told that I might as well get a hysterectomy, since I would never have children.  A second opinion confirmed the first.  Thankfully, I ignored them both. When Peter and I got married, we went to an OB/GYN to get me checked out.  He told us that I looked fine “in there” and go ahead and try for kids - if nothing happened in a couple of years we could talk again.  Little did we all know that I was actually already pregnant.  With twins.  

My pregnancies were dreadful.  I couldn’t keep any food down with the twins, and lost 35 pounds in the first trimester.  I was down to roughly 100 lbs.  When I began throwing up water, I was hospitalized to get things under control.  There, I literally almost died, when I had a severe allergic reaction to compazine, given to me for nausea.  The nurse would not believe me that I couldn’t swallow and was having trouble breathing.  She said I was just over reacting because it was my first pregnancy, but I was having an anaphylactic reaction. Peter wandered in and saw me in dire straits and ran out to the nurses station where they told him to calm down.  He ran downstairs, across the street to the doctor’s office and got him to come in a rush.  Dr. Vogel showed up at a dead run, called for Benedryl, which he administered, then sat with me while I recovered until I slept. He held my hand and kept apologizing.  Apparently he then went straight out and got the nurse fired.  We almost lost me and my beautiful boys that day.

It was also the first in a long, long sequence of allergic reactions to drugs.  Thankfully, we had a friend who was a pharmacologist who helped us negotiate this crooked path.   He gave us a list of warnings, starting with the compazine, which he says I should never have been given since I was allergic to aspiriin.

I regained the weight I had lost, handled a difficult pregnancy (which included PUP - or an allergic reaction to the babies’ placenta), and gave birth to gorgeous Paul and Daniel.  Four years later I gave birth (after a pregnancy that was slightly less hard) to beautiful Mary.  If you look at photos of this era, I was a stick - in fact, a friend said that pregnant, I looked like a cocktail olive on a toothpick.  

Once these years passed, I was slammed with weight gain.  I’ve never really figured this out.  I went from a super skinny mother, who took and taught aerobics, hiked up hills, carried around my kids in backpacks, and cared for a large house, to an overweight Woman of Pain. In graduate school, I ran with a group on Columbia’s indoor track, managing several miles at a time while we talked about our readings.  

But suddenly I could barely get through a day with out several doses of Tylenol for the pain.  I gained an enormous amount of weight, while eating ‘normally’.  By the time we moved to Portland, I was a fat, painful mess, and wondered what on earth had gone wrong.

This takes energy - more later.

[rastronomicals]

3:27 AM EST December 21, 2019:

Korn - "My Gift To You /Earache My Eye\" From the album Follow the Leader (August 18, 1998)

Last song scrobbled from iTunes at Last\.fm

Interpolating the Cheech & Chong bit as a hidden track

[rastronomicals]

11:39 PM EST February 4, 2019:

Korn - "My Gift To You /Earache My Eye\" From the album Follow the Leader (August 18, 1998)

Last song scrobbled from iTunes at Last\.fm

Interpolating the Cheech & Chong bit as a hidden track

[rastronomicals]

5:45 AM EDT August 12, 2018:

Korn - “My Gift To You /Earache My Eye" From the album Follow the Leader (August 18, 1998)

Last song scrobbled from iTunes at Last.fm

Interpolating the Cheech & Chong bit as a hidden track