#My Experience

[harvest-of-the-present]

there's... something in praying and slowly starting to feel like one of your hands is being held as you whisper sincere words to the world, to yourself, to the gods

[sirgogington]

This might be a little unorganized and is definitely an unpopular opinion in this community, but I'm going to say it anyway. Feel free to unfollow. I wasn't going to post about it, but honestly I am so upset for George in this situation. I want to preface that I am a 28 year old female so maybe my thinking is a little different due to that.

The more I read about people's reactions to the George situation the more angry I feel. George was being accused of sexual assault, and the consensus is "he fucked up and should have asked for consent."

My bold take is that I have little sympathy for Caiti. She is a woman who regrets flirting with George, which she has the right to. But her story really made it seem like George randomly started touching her inappropriately, forced her to drink more when she was already drunk, purposely preyed on her because she was 18, and followed her out of the room to the elevator.

None of these things happened. She was drunk beforehand and her friends that she went to Dreams room with wanted to play drinking games. George didn't randomly start touching her. They were sitting together on the couch playing a game with the rest of the group and mutually decided to start cuddling. Caiti got up multiple times and would always come back and cuddle with George. Over the hour of cuddling they were flirting with each other, playfighting etc. When cuddling George started with his hands on her hips above her clothes, and then after he assumed she was comfortable with what he was doing, given the previous signals of her laughing, smiling, and coming back to cuddle with him then he placed his hands on her waist under her clothes. He said he would slowly move them up after awhile. She didn't show any signs of being uncomfortable. She could have pushed his hand away or told him she was uncomfortable with that, but she didn't. She could of left if she felt uncomfortable or sat somewhere else, but she didn't. She also didn't have to walk with George to the elevator, but she did. She didn't have to keep in contact with him afterwards but again she did. It's no wonder why George was understandably confused, and assumed everyone had had a fun night that night, and was blindsided by these accusations. George said that he made a joke about the elevator being broken, but saw when she wasn't open to getting in the elevator with her then he backed off.

Her friends also knowingly put her this situation. They left her unattended while she was drunk in the hotel room with Dream and George and whoever else was left. Going to a drinking social at 18 is a risky situation in the first place, this is why in college I avoided frat parties because I knew what could potentially happen if I went.

George literally did not do anything wrong, and people are painting him as a monster. Now that Caiti did this stream he has lost a lot of his fanbase and friends for no reason, because God forbid you support George. If you support George you must hate woman, because he's evil. Like people have said this could have all been handled privately. Just simple communication like "hey I actually regret what happened at Vidcon, and I didn't actually like that you were cuddling me looking back" or something along those lines. If George is a decent person which it seems like he is he would say okay and apologize most likely, and they could have not had this nasty drama for no reason.

I believe there is non-verbal consent, and most people in that type of situation would rely on that more than verbal consent. They test things like George was doing and slowly progress things. He could have asked if she was okay with it, but she was showing all the signs over the 3 hours that she was. He's not making you stay if you get uncomfortable. Where non-verbal consent doesn't work is if George would have groped her after a half our of flirting. That would absolutely be wrong, and need to be apologized for.

George was defensive in his video because he needed to be. After being accused of all these things you didn't do, and Caiti leaving out details you would be defensive to. She made him out to look really bad. She blew the situation way out of proportion and George has to suffer due to this. I really think that George didn't need to post the extra apology tweet, that the livestream would of been enough to show that he had no malicious intentions and was sorry that Caiti felt strongly about what had happened.

The whole support victims things in this situation makes me upset as well. There were no victims because there was no sexual assault. Yet if you don't say I 100% support the victim then suddenly your evil and hate woman. Without there being a victim it seems dumb to put that but if you don't then you're follower count also takes a hit as a content creator. George didn't fuck up, he acted in a way most men would, and probably even in a more gentleman like way to be honest.

It also upset me as someone who has experienced very real sexual assault. The guy was 25 and I was 18. I didn't want anything sexual/romantic with him because I could see the age gap, and told him that. He invited me to his apartment which I thought would be innocent because I presented my boundaries, but then he started taking off my clothes and telling me I was okay with it over and over until I believed him and let it happen, while feeling really uncomfortable. My body language did not show any interest, just confusion. I remember answering "I don't know" when he asked for consent to touch me, but he would just keep asking until I said okay. He purposely preyed on the younger women because he knew they were easier to coerce and more vulnerable. Looking back I didn't really knew where I stood on hook up culture. He convinced me he could teach me a few things that I could use with my sexual partners in the future. Luckily it never progressed to him taking my virginity. He bragged about how many girls he had slept with, and how many he had took their virginity. I would have been just a number to him. I am so much more than just a number. (he did a lot of other sexual things with me after coercing me into saying okay. Stuff I can detail if you care to know. I remember saying out loud that I was glad that I still had my virginity and I'm glad he didn't take it afterall. Not purposely leaving out, but it was way more than Caiti had experienced with George. For my situation there was a high likelihood it would happen again to another girl like me, and I remember wanting to warn them. It's different because my attacker did have malicious intents even though he disguised it as me consenting.) Being in the mindset I am now I would have never let any of it happen, but I am much more in tune with my thoughts and opinions on things. I would have noticed all the red flags and I would have never put myself in a 1 on 1 situation with an older guy like that or any guy unless I were dating them.

Outside the fandom I've noticed that a lot of people agree with me in this. It's just within the fandom that people are of this support the victim mindset, even when said victim turns out to not have been a victim of anything. I don't know if it's different with younger people that you have to ask for verbal consent for everything, but it just seems dumb. Everyone was also drunk and not thinking straight so sober minded Georgenotfound would have probably asked for consent before he moved his hands up. It's hard to know. I think other content creators probably do agree with me, but they aren't able to have their own opinions, which to me seems gross and fake. We can't genuinely know how content creators feel on certain issues because if were to tell what they truly thought and it wasn't the majority consensus then they risk their viewership which is also twisted.

[batfambrainrotbeloved]

CON UPDATE YAP- And I mean Y A P

MY HAUL!! :DD from someone with only half decent impulse spending and too much disposible income rn.

SO I started the day waking up stupid early to finish up my cosplay (Robin for those (prism) who asked) it was originally Tim Drake because I had my camera. But well- I ordered an uber and while climbing in my camera buckle broke and it fell. Already rough start, but I assured the driver all was well.

He asked me about Cosplay and while not quite understanding he vehelementry preached that "art should always have community, be proud, and your community will come" which damm okay man. Otherwise ride over was nothing special, arrived at like 8:30 when nothing OPEN opens until 10.

Right outside I ran into this dad and daughter, she had on a frilly skirt so I said she looked amazing and the dad beamed and started saying "I told you-" about her being fine dressing up. We chatted for a bit, showed off eachothers cameras, debated about old cameras vs new cameras etc (while I remained oblivious to my plight) and then I quickly chowed down a shitty granola bar and went in.

Inside said goodmorning to the workers who helped usher me upstairs to where I needed to pickup my badge. I spotted a hijabi girl who fashioned it in a way to cosplay red hood and we talked while getting lanyards for a moment before parting ways.

Off I went to find a bathroom to piece together the last bits of my cosplay (shitty wig and 3d printed mask I got off etsy) but after getting situated I wore the wig for a total of ten minutes before going "fuck it" and I was now Steph.

Meandered for a bit, just people watching- took a few peoples pictures. And thus where I encounted my FIRST dillema. My camera that I dropped? it was NOT fine- a plastic chunk that secured the lense when screwed in had completely snapped off and now unless I held it in a VERY specific way, it would not register it and would refuse to work.

Finally I ended up BACK in the registration area and got in line for the artist alley cue (early entry at least) and was the last person before they roped it off and opened another line to filter people through. Family of three were entertaining their baby who I showed off some bubbles too, and the guy next to me had a ton of lord of the rings barbies to be signed and we talked for over an hour.

Mostly about old vs new fandom, comic to movie adaptations, the pros and cons of each spiderman actor in this day and age, and the horrendous reality that is the green goblin costume. Then a kid next to me got my attention and complimented my costume, she was in a half fursuit so I of course returned the compliment and we chatted about creating our own suits and I congratulated her on attending her first con.

Finally a large chunk of time later- VIP is let in, and an even LONGER chunk- were let in. I bid farewell to my line buddies and begin exploring. I spent a good while wandering, almost got some comics but they had a minimum "25$ card requirement" so I passed. My first purchase ended up being from a sweet couple who sold tons of nature style earrings and had a mini gumball machine full of even minnier frogs! I bought two tokens and won a lil green and poison dart frog, chatted some more, they gave me a batman bookmark for free, and then I left. Also got a horn headband to match stephs lil devil horns.

Next group I ran into were historic reinactors, in a sense that they were part of a whole society dedicated to the "medieval lifestyle" and preserving the art of creation in such a way. The guy I chatted with was happy to show off his historically accurate and handcrafted costume which was part of his collection over the past 15 years. Ended up taking a group photo for them and still need to check my computer to fix up and give them.

More interactions included but were not limited to-

The sally face cosplay kid whose dad was very excited over having a picture to remember the con

Woman who I bought just about every bird sticker she had (as well as pigeon print) and proceeded to show me videos and pictures of the actual pigeon they were based on that visited her apartment

Native woman who we had a long talk about her culture in her art and whales spiritual meaning (got the sticker from her)

Lady who makes MLP classics, I bought Pinkie Pie on the Odyssey and she signed it for me- and we raged about toll scams and her friend went "May you never fall victim again to such bastards" which I appreciated

Man who wrote a book about a girl battling leaprecauns to rescue her estranged father (got a bookmark), and gave a mini history lesson about the timetravel arc

Sweet person who I got the bumper sticker from and suggested I name my car "Franny" or "Gladys" and said "You picked a good one baby :)" when I was checking out

Couple from Atlanta area who were very pleased I knew their hometown and handed me their card while we talked about region culture in media

Artist who was very sympathetic to my plight of picking which of her trinket trays I wanted- and whose friend kept making niche wii spots or adam sandler movie quote jokes in the background

Yet another artist who was VERY happy I "understood the assignment" when asking if her mermaid comic book series was sapphic and murder filled (got some zines from her)

Deadpool Robin who recreated the spiderman meme with me

Daftpunk duo shows up again (ive seen them at just about every con now) and started boogie-ing to their own music- idk where their speaker was

Trio of guys who were DISTRAUGHT they had not remembered Steph as robin and asked if I would accept their apology "to women everywhere." Which I did, they were sincere.

Girl who while I asked for "One of each of the titan stickers" met me with an expression of pure panic and tried to slowly get out her phone. Which I quickly learned was the vendors little sister left in charge and didn't know wtf she was doing- vendor returned pretty quick after

Overheard friends who were debating on if pokemon were real, how many ER related injuries would be tied to "my litten became a man, still thinks hes a lap cat"

Girl who we chatted about PC's and the new repo game- showed off a few doodles and I got a Pim blind bag from

Friends who one was lamenting their sympathies while the card reader wasnt working, and the other who kept being playfully pessimist. So it was a constant string of "Oh my god im so sorry the wifi is shit dont worry its so fine thank you for waiting!!" "No this is all your fault, you've cursed us- I hope you're happy."

Woman who happily offered me the fancy custom print bags from her shop after noticing I was struggling with too-much-shit-syndrome, I was a fan of her daughters work and bought a ton of shit as repentance

Older Gentleman outside the plaza while waiting for my uber that began donning layers of woven admission badges like war medals, which I praised him for and he happily showed off

Guy also outside playing on makeshift drums who complimented my "drip" when I gave him the rest of the ones I had left in my purse

Family that thanked me like id just saved their newborn child from a burning car after telling them where to find the express food center instead of dealing with the hour long lines

Fellow fan who was holding armfulls of Red hood comics and begged me to say which booth I got the red robin comics-

Guy dressed like Kronk who helped me pick "Only the finest dabloons" and gave me the "guess ill die" ribbon for free after I said he had "good vibes"

Watched a guy chase his kid through the foyer with a prop chainsaw, he was doing that kid "giggle screech" as he ran and hid behind someone dressed like Bucky who didnt hesitate to throw his arm out to "stop the chainsaw"

Felt like I was dying for a bit, and purchased my one regret whcih was a 40 dollar cup for unlimited soda which was ass- but in the moment I didnt care. Then almost left, only to find the express food and absolutely destroy a ham hogie and some grandmas oatmeal cookies. Went to wait for my uber and had my one and only slight neg experience which was a guy acting like he was taking a pic of my bag only to step back and very obviously go into frame- which was, fun. But then I had old guy and drummer so my mood improved.

40 minute uber later, I laid out my haul, organized my shit- and then began writing this post before heading to dnd (which im at rn and will likely last from when we started over 2 hours ago, to like 2am)

[starclast]

Well...I've been obsessed with Fields of Mistria since the very first moment I saw the trailer on youtube. Sadly, the computer where I play it runs it really, REALLY slow and kinda has troubles sometimes loading areas, events and such. I think this is more of a fault of the computer than the game itself because I'm not sure if it has every needed *software recommendation* for it. Even so, the few time I played with it felt really magical and enjoyable in every aspect to me, sadly, due to the uncertainty of blackouts and the running problem, I think I will have to wait some more for a nearly complete version to drop oooor to find a different and better laptop to run it...😭😭😭

[hdrygdhbuu]

Hello, I’ve read a few small stories from Dir en grey’s meet&greet and experience from the concerts in general aaannddd I also decided to share mine from m&g 19.03 in Warsaw… Maybe just mainly for archival purposes, but anyway… it was quite interesting.

Since It was my very first concert in my whole life (but what is most important Dir en grey concert😭) and I was sosososo hella nervous – on top of all I came completely alone into the dark unknown! The first show of my favourite band. The first meet&greet with precious and talented band members on their first tour destination. I thought I could have died before start of the show.

Beforehand I’ve read some different experiences from m&g – there were really a few, really – it was said that people with VIP queued in front of the venue doors and were entering one by another to meet the members(¿). (Actually I have no clue, because I didn’t happen to enter among all the people… You’re allowed to read to know then lol) When I had come on the floor I saw two queues actually. One to the m&g and another to the merch booth. But as I said, It was my first life experience so I immediately got super confused and didn’t know where to go… Two long queues, a lot of people, I couldn’t understand which one is which… Anyway I stayed at the end of the merch queue (😭) and managed to buy some things almost THE LAST ONE. I mean, there still was a couple of girls near the stand, but… the cashier was very nice, (he let me pull out of the bag some secret postcard&stickers on my own lol) when he said «there is a meeting with a band, so you should hurry» and pointed at the entrance doors. I looked and realised there was no one around, like, really, empty corridor… Obviously I got scared (even more scared than I’ve been all this day) and rushed there immediately, almost running – actually it was just “fast-walking”. I didn’t know the place, what is where, and at that moment I didn’t even know where is the venue and where I entered… I jumped up to the venue with dizzy head, completely at a loss, greatly confused (I’m sorry, but that cashier really made me worry and hurry with those words😭) and first I couldn’t even recognize the place. All happened so suddenly: I saw them. But the first gaze was so quick, really, I only managed to catch the smiley glance from Toshiya first! Probably all of them were so confused of the chaotic way I entered 😭 (I even thought Toshiya was internally laughing at me, but i guess I was simply delusional.) The staff stopped me with "wait" or something, and – oh what a shame… – at that exact moment I suddenly/quickly turned around at my speed (but it wasn’t so fast fr) and stepped back as almost i was about to leave at every moment 😰 There were no fans nearby… before or after me… and we just stayed like that, so so embarrassing… Me, being afraid even just of looking at them, because I knew, I felt they were staring at me… Maybe i got affected by this “wait” from the staff and actually lost all remains of courage, waiting, waiting for the right signal😭 I met eyes with that woman from the staff, she was staring at me and i was looking at her like “what should i do, when am i allowed to step forward😰” Jeez i really felt so many eyes on me, as it was a long moment and i got lost…

But when i raised my sight, i couldn’t bear but just notice Toshiya’s smile 😭 (him being that tall after all) You know, it was just impossible not to catch it. He was staring so brightly, with the kindest and the most loving smile on his face😭 This smile could physically warm a body and hearts, full of gratefulness, love and respect. Since I’m quite young (i’m 20 actually… but the fact that I admit that I look much younger) for a moment i realised – i’m sure – it was a smile of a loving parent/senpai looking at the child/kohai 😭 Just… can’t describe this wholesome feeling, that he created inside of me with this looking&smile. He didn’t cut off his glance even when we actually met our eyes… i mean, i immediately got shyshyshyshy, i couldn’t withstand it and looked away😭 it was just too much😭🤚🏻

Then i noticed Kaoru looking straight and handing his postcard to me, encouraging me to come closer, and so that was the sign when i managed to finally move my trembling body. (The possibility that they might have been waiting for me just flutters all my insides and kills me!) So, then.. everything happened quite quickly, i was collapsed by shock, embarrassment and happiness at the same time, to the point I almost teared up. I bowed at each of them, saying quietly arigatogozaimassss as they were handing me signed postcards. I couldn’t even make myself to raise my head and look at them… Toshiya was the last one in a row, and when i stood in front of him the actual height difference hit me and got me on knees (and that’s the second reason i couldn’t get myself to look up – it would be physically uncomfortable lol i guess) I mean… this man is really tall, I faced his chest at the level of my nose for real, so yeah (I’m 160cm). He was the one who thanked me in response – well, maybe i was just too dumb and rushed too much idk – and that was so cute of him! Really, he seemed to be the nicest at the m&g, he really does care about fans, he really is glad and happy to meet fans😭 and he obviously showed his appreciation of all its power/extent. The one meeting broke my heart.

Of course after this i rushed to the rest of people near the stage (luckily i was in a second row right before Toshiya!) And then they left the place almost right away… I mean, after all maybe i really was the last one??? And what if they were waiting for me?? (It kills me ugh) Idk… I was sure there were some more girls at the merch booth before….

Anyway, talking about my very first show impression, i was sincerely amazed by this little pleasing discovery of my own – all of them actually were looking at fans during the show! Like straight in the eyes. Catching our glances. Sustaining this eye contact again and again. It felt like a dream, it felt like we and them actually connected on some kind of inner basis/level… I’m sure I even crossed some glances with Toshiya and Kaoru 😭 I didn’t expect it so, again, i felt kinda embarrassed, but super crazy! That was so much fun! Really, I will never forget those nights… And now, every time reminding it – all of them, the performance, their movements and emotions, that charming smile of Toshiya – I can’t help but melt into a divine smile…

Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart���� And thank you too who has read this unexpectedly long message 😭🤲🏻 And sorry for any mistakes..

P.S. I also wouldn’t mind if anyone who has read it, would like to share their experience too🤲🏻 Really, just kinda curious… and after all i don’t have friends who i can talk about diru with sooooooo feel free to share🙌🏻🌷

[incorrectsmashbrosquotes]

As someone who knows nothing about dragon age, why is that a sign of the new game being bad? I'm genuinely curious and don't care much about spoilers.

It was mostly a glib joke, but I'll explain some reasoning.

Solas was a character introduced in the last game as a love interest who could only be romanced as a female elf Inquisitor, called Lavellan, and that naturally built up an air of exclusivity around the ship especially since he's sad and his life sucks mainly through his own fault. Solavellan became this whole sub-genre of the fandom that became absolutely insufferable to interact with and overshadowed everything else that might be done with Lavellan.

Solas as a character is someone I could write an essay on in both a good and bad way, but bottom line he's kinda racist towards non-elf Inquisitor in a way that rubbed people the wrong way. Beyond that, he also introduced a lot of retcons to the lore of Dragon Age which, to be fair, is nothing new to the series, but it just kinda left fans disappointed.

So, you have a divisive character and a divisive ship around that character it made interacting with Solavellan shippers extremely annoying to interact with as they were pretty defensive of it and him. As the game got older the fandom cooled down and everyone agreed that the whole thing was kinda cringe and everyone was left to ship in peace.

Anyway, Solas was set up at the end of Inquisition to be the main enemy of Veilguard but through plot contrivance and lazy writing he was shunted to the side for two new villains and Solas gets something of a redemption arc that features Lavellan if you romanced him that feels forced to me and feeds into the whole "you can fix him" mentality.

Part of this is just Veilguards many weaknesses in terms of the writing and how it fails as an RPG, seriously most of the choices barely matter, but with Solas and Lavellan back that part of the fandom is rearing its head.

Don't get me wrong, most Solavellan shippers are fine, just people having fun, but parts of the fandom get real annoying about it.

[thaltro]

tysm for answering my last q c: im sry if this is indelicate or tactless, but how does it work for you? can you/do you and your alters communicate with each other? or is it just like.. a feeling?

Good question

I’ll be honest and say it’s hard to tell the difference between self talk and self soothing with other alters talking. I’m diagnosed with OCD so I have quite a lot of intrusive thoughts and it feels like that tbh. If I was having an intrusive thought about violence I can’t control it or get rid of it, it feels like my personal thoughts but it’s just my brain flashing ideas to piss me off. With alters it works similarly just usually not distressing intrusive thoughts, instead thoughts that I don’t agree with or things I wouldn’t think of that I can’t shut up.

A good example could be the best communication I have with a frequent supportive ANP, his name is Pav. I tend to catastrophize and over work myself, because of that my brain triggers his part to show up, he recites calming things to help me. He forces the body to breathe slower and for me to lay down, sometimes he makes me rub my arms or ground myself. “Communicating” isnt mostly us talking in our head because my thoughts are rapid and hard to interpret, but feeling his emotions and physical actions is how we mostly talk. Because our amnesia is low with each other he leaves notes and I leave him notes back. But yeah it’s mostly physical and emotional then actually talking.

For me when there’s a lot of communication it usually means I’m going to switch out, with Pav if he’s there, he will soothe me then switch out so when I front again I’m not distressed.

In a negative example, alter communication can be fronting and forcefully thinking of trauma and trauma reenactment. I can tell the difference between that and intrusive thoughts because I can feel the weight of an alter attached to it. There’s intention and the thoughts feel more like a story being read to me and not a intrusive flash.

I regained this memory but when we where a little child and people where hurting us, alter communication is what kept us going. Because I grew up religious I thought angels where talking to me and forcing me to eat, sleep, shower, and breathe. I’d always talk to my family about those “angels” but really they where just parts of me communicating and soothing my body for survival. For little me communication was mostly through prayer sessions where I would dissociate asking for their help. Now I know that was Alters but a lot of times communication can be covert.

The biggest difference is it feels passionate and overwhelming when alters are communicating some sort of memory, emotion, physical behaviour, or idea- it takes over my entire body’s attention and dissociates me out of reality.

That’s my personal experience, others may have it differently but thank you

[harvest-of-the-present]

sometimes signs are there for a one-time thing— a message you might need to hear at the time, some aid or advice for your circumstances at that specific moment, and that's it, and that's okay

[zshiftsrealities]

SHIFTING THROUGH A LUCID DREAM (MY ATTEMPTS)

I have no where/no one to tell this to, so I decided to write it down here.

Anyways, this post is about the lucid dreams I've had in which I almost shifted (or shifted, but in the dream).

The first lucid dream was a few days after I decided to shift through a lucid dream. I had lucid dreamed a bunch of times before, but wasn't really into the idea, or just didn't put my mind to it. But then I realized that for me, I'm more comfortable shifting through a lucid dream than anything else.

Just before sleeping, I went to use the bathroom (at around 4 something in the morning) and right before entering, I went :

"reality check"

as I put my finger against my other palm. Later on I went to sleep, and in my dream, I repeated the same gesture. And as soon as I realized I was dreaming, I teleported(?) to my bed, and in my mind I went :

"I'm gonna shift to my dr, I'm gonna shift to my dr"

but maybe because I was so excited and stuff I didn't ground myself, and the dream ended abruptly.

For the second time, I had set a mental note of sorts that if I see a specific person in my dream, I'll become aware, and so it happened.

I saw my (deceased) grandfather and realized I was dreaming. This time I was calm and decided to shift. I closed my eyes and said once,

"I have shifted to my dr"

and as I said that, I felt like I was being pulled out and leaving my body.

Then I opened my eyes and I had changed positions in my dream, but I didn't realize that and thought "I didn't shift". My phone was next to me so I opened Instagram and saw accounts of students from Class 1-A (yes, I'm shifting to mha).

Anyways, when I woke up I realized that I shifted in that dream, and although I didn't actually shift, I realized how easy it was to do so. Because all I did was just say that I shifted and I did in that dream. It was probably as easy as it was because I fully believed that I WILL shift, no ifs or buts.

but yeah, that's the end of the rant. I have lucid dreamed a couple of times after that, but there's nothing worth mentioning, so I won't.

[palacholic]

one thing i really love about prague (or actually every bigger city) is the amount of alternative dressed people you encounter almost everywhere. going grocery shopping? say hi to the emo/scene kids with their monster energy drinks. visiting a graveyard? maybe you can spot the occasional goth or emo wandering among the graves. on public transport? i get so happy each time i see someone who looks cool. walking around the city? beautiful alt people everywhere. in every bigger university lecture there's some of them and sometimes we sit next to each other and chat. i've got and given so many compliments over hair styles, outfits, band merch, diy stuff...it's so nice to meet people who like the same things as you, who dress the way they want and feel confident doing so. to you all, alt people of prague and the world: you are so beautiful and i love you all so much

[vunblr]

We shouldn’t judge how people react to fear -something pretty obvious but sometimes, we forget to practice it-.

Talking to a friend the other day, I was reminded that I had a stalker during my first year of college -something I had deeply repressed-. I was young, just 18, and back then -2003-, people didn’t really talk about harassment. Or rather, it wasn’t that it wasn’t discussed, it was normalized.

It all started when I ended up in the same Roman Law class as this person, and I noticed he would constantly stare at me without even trying to hide it. You might think, “Come on, he was just looking at you,” but no, it was super uncomfortable, and the way he looked at me wasn’t like a crush, it was creepy. I pretended not to notice -these days, I’d confront him and ask what his problem was-.

Then he started sitting as close to me as possible, getting up at the same time, following me to the bus stop, and even to the cafeteria. Thankfully, I attended class with my two best friends from high school, Martín and Diego, and we went everywhere together, so I relied on them. At one point, I even asked Martín to wait with me at the bus stop when we had late-night classes because the situation started to scare me.

One day, neither Martín nor Diego showed up for class, and I had to walk home because there was a bus strike -a common thing in Argentina now and then-. What I’m about to say might sound like something out of a movie or a fanfic, but I swear I felt like someone was following me. When I turned around, I saw him.

I told myself, Stop it, Valeria, maybe he’s just heading the same way as you and you’re imagining things. But no. I started walking slower, crossing the street, turning down random roads, pretending to tie my shoes, even stepping into stores. Every time I turned around, there he was, still walking behind me. Clearly, this wasn’t a coincidence.

It wasn’t common to have a cell phone back then, so I couldn’t text anyone, and my parents weren’t in town to call from a payphone. So I kept walking. At some point, he walked up next to me and started talking. He said his name was Héctor, mentioned what a coincidence it was to “run into each other,” and that he’d seen me in Roman Law class. I replied -today, I’d slap myself for being so dumb-, but somehow, my brain just shut down. Instead of returning to a store or telling him to leave, I kept walking to my house. Once we got to my door, I told him, “Well, this is my house,” and said goodbye -very smart of me, I know-.

Two days later, at 10 p.m., my doorbell rang. I thought it was the pizza I had ordered. Imagine my surprise when I opened the door to find Héctor standing there. For once, my one functional brain cell kicked in. I stepped outside, closing the door behind me so he couldn’t get in, and asked him what he wanted. He said, “Let’s go for a walk.” Of course, buddy, alone, at 10 p.m., on a weeknight, with no one knowing where I’m going.

I refused in various ways, but he kept insisting until he finally said, “Okay, then let’s go for a drink.” I told him I had a boyfriend and that he wouldn’t like this situation. He didn’t believe me at first, but I said, “If you’ve seen me in Roman Law, then you must have seen me with him, since he’s in the class too.” I don’t remember much of what else he said. He eventually left, but I was pretty shaken.

I told my friends about it. Diego’s solution was to beat him up -now that I think about it, that was a tempting idea-, but since technically, the guy hadn’t “done” anything, it felt like an overreaction. So for a while, Martín pretended to be more than just a friend when we left class. We’d usually hold hands or he’d put his arm around me at the bus stop, where “Héctor” would still be lurking. I never actually saw him get on any bus.

One day -yes, I know, “pretends to be a couple” trope-, Martín and I took it a step further and pretended to kiss. Héctor’s face changed completely. The bus came, I got on, and I never saw him at the university again from that day on. Not in any other class, schedule, or hallway. I’ve always wondered if he was really studying law or if he’d just been following me from somewhere else, and the timing of that class worked for whatever it was he was doing.

Now, with 20 more years of life and the information we have today, I would’ve handled things very differently. I think about all the things I did wrong -basically everything-, and it surprises me because I wasn’t exactly naïve. I always hung out with guys, so I knew how to handle myself around them. If a construction worker catcalled me, I’d curse them out. If someone touched me while I was out dancing, I’d confront them. But in this specific situation, I don’t know what happened to me.

That’s why, when I see news stories, documentaries, or books where the female protagonist acts “stupid,” and you feel like slapping her or think, “That would never happen to me,” let me tell you, until it happens, you don’t know how you’ll react.

Thankfully, we now have social media, cell phones, and people don’t call you crazy when you speak out about these things, which helps a lot. But still, let’s try not to judge victims in situations like these because everyone’s mind reacts differently to certain stimuli.

[skogjeger]

‧₊˚.    : · •.    * • ˚   . · *   ✶   : · •   *   ˚ ✵  ‧₊˚.    : · •.    * • ˚   . · *   ✶   : · •   *   ˚ ✵ 

━ ━ ━ ━ ━ ━ ━ ━ ━ ━ ━ ━ ━ ━ ━ ━ ━ ━ ━ ━ ━ ━ ━ ━ ━ 

Throughout my childhood, there have been numerous signs that Hermes wished to work with me, but I was completely unaware. I thought about adding wings to my shoes, wore the caduceus as a necklace, and felt a constant urge to write more and express myself freely. Communicating effectively, sharing my feelings, and jotting down my emotions became important to me.

He always made me think of him—his presence, his words, his thoughts. He made the effort. I felt a strong connection to trickster archetypes and chthonic deities. While traveling, Hermes was constantly on my mind. So many tell-tale signs and clear indications. I viewed him as the healer, the messenger, the scholar, the guider of souls, the multifaceted one, and the protector.

Of course, I wouldn't say Hermes was the only one reaching out, but he was certainly one of the main ones.

━ ━ ━ ━ ━ ━ ━ ━ ━ ━ ━ ━ ━ ━ ━ ━ ━ ━ ━ ━ ━ ━ ━ ━ ━ 

‧₊˚.    : · •.    * • ˚   . · *   ✶   : · •   *   ˚ ✵  ‧₊˚.    : · •.    * • ˚   . · *   ✶   : · •   *   ˚ ✵ 

[wilsons-three-legged-siamese]

Today marks my 7 month anniversary for my cardiac surgery. So id like to share my experience with SVT in honour of the doctors who have saved my life.

Also just in case people are interested!! Because honestly, its a very interesting condition.

As i said, its been 7 months since my surgery. Im forever greatful for my surgeons. Since its 7 months, i now experience no palpitations, which is awesome. Before it happened maybe daily? I feel non now. Its the best thing ive ever done.

Right, let me explain SVT first.

SVT stands for supraventricular tachycardia. Its when theres an additional pathway in the hearts electrical circuit, leading to the heart beating abnormally fast for an hour up to a day at a time.

Anyway.

I was diagnosed at the age of 4, in the US. I was visiting my grandparents and i was sent ro multiple hospitals to get diagnosed. A specialist took me in and finally got me sorted. Ever since then, it has been a struggle.

Ive been on adenosise a a lot, sometimes a few doses at once as i was almost immune to it. Ive been in perri arrest (stage before cardiac arrest) around 3 times. I have been sedated once. I have a massive fear of neddles because of my experiences with them in hospital. I have been pinned down tons of times.

My the age of 8, i was on the strongest medication with the highest dose with two medications. Its very dangerous to take them both together, that now severe my condition was. A year ago, i was taken in by the famous hospital in london under their cardiac unit. My cardiologists finally decided to give me the cardiac ablation.

The cardiac ablation works like this:

9 slits are made near the groin, 5 on one side, 4 on another. Catheters are inserted into the veins and arteries up to the heart. They put you into an episode of SVT to find the extra parhway. Once found, they either burn it or freeze it off, scarring the heart safely. Everything is removed with no stitches at all.

My surgery went fine, textbook easy. I have 4 tiny scars near my groin/on my thigh. I experiences daily heart palpitations at resting for about 6 months, which is normal.

Recovery was easy. It was extremely hard to walk, thats all. Legs were extremely weak and your heart just feels a bit funny, with the beating i mean. I could definitely feel a difference. I just couldn't be on my side for the first few days, making sleeping uncomfortable.

Theres my experience!! It was a journey definitely, but im so glad i overcame it <3.

[harvest-of-the-present]

sometimes Dionysus' name just naturally appears in my poetry, and it's hard not to find it reassuring even if it's in the saddest poems I have

[sinkableruby]