#Me shouting at my screen: No!! I didn’t even know I had a weakness to that!!!!!

[shima-draws]

Me: Haha wow it’s been years since I’ve played HM let alone got this far in wooing the bachelor I want to marry, I’m sure it’s probably as corny and cringey as I remember—

Luke: Hi Sunshine!! 😊

Me:

[evie-sturns]

avoid - Matt Sturniolo

summary: when matt calls you out on you pushing him away, until a huge fight breaks out between the two of you. a couple hours later you find him a mess, you have no choice but to make things right.

contains: angst, crying, arguing, yelling, fluff, comforting, swearing.

------------------------------------------------------------

you didn't realise you were doing it, you just were.

you had accidentally been avoiding him and pushing him away for the past couple of weeks, there wasn't a specific reason but you just were.

9:04pm

i'm laying on the couch alone, watching some random romcom as i stare at the screen.

the floorboards creak as i hear matt coming down the hallway, his footsteps are heavy as he approaches the living room.

he stands in the doorway, just observing me for a couple of seconds.

i hear his lips part as he gets ready to speak.

"y/n..?" he mutters softly, his voice is weak and shy.

i hum quietly as a response, not even diverting my gaze away from the bright screen. i hear matt huff slightly, a hint of annoyance in his tone.

"what- why- can you at least look at me when im speaking?" matt scoffs.

"what difference does it make?" i mumble back, still staring at the television.

"makes me think you might actually give a shit about me still." matt spits, his arms fold over his chest as he leans against the doorway,

"pfft." i dismiss him which only sets matt off even more.

"why are you acting like this? seriously!" matt exclaims,

"why are you being so sensitive." i groan,

i know i’m being annoying as shit, but i can’t help it, i’m just doing what i can to tick him off.

matt just stares at me, his breathing heavy as i see him visibly start fuming.

“you wanna know what it is? you’ve been acting like a total stranger for the past couple months and i’m done with it, i’m done with you.” matt raises his voice

i stand up off the couch, standing a couple feet away from matt as i lock eyes with him,

“me? i’ve been acting like i stranger?” i laugh dryly, not cause this situation is amusing, i’m just in shock.

“yes! you’ve been treating me like crap for the past too long!” matt keeps his voice raises,

i point my finger at his chest as i walk closer to him, “you cannot be serious? i literally do everything for you? i gave up so many things for more time with you!”

“i didn’t ASK you to do that! nobody did!” he scoffs loudly, grabbing my wrist and yanking it away from his chest.

“so it meant nothing to you? clearly you’re not appreciating my love for y-“

matt cuts me off,

“don’t even. you’re trying to make me feel bad when i’m literally trying to talk to you about my feelings!”

his eyes are narrow slits now, his fingers wrapped tightly around my wrist.

“let me go, now.” i mutter angrily,

“just listen to me!” he spits, moving his hand off of my wrist to grab my shoulders,

he jolts me back and forth harshly,

“i fucking hate this new attitude of yours, you’re the most self centred bitch ever!” matt shouts,

his voice booms through my living room, making my heart race quicken.

“would you just shut up- shut up!” i scream,

matt shoves me back gently, not enough to actually hurt me, just enough to get his point enough.

“you’re just- you’re just being ridiculous?” matt mutters, turning on his heels and walking away from me.

“i fucking hate you! i hope you get that through your thick head!” i snap

i didn’t mean it.

not at all.

i was so angry, just doing anything i could to be mean.

i hear matt’s heavy footsteps as he walks up the stairs, followed by the door slamming shut.

i flop down on the couch, running a hand through my hair as i pant.

i don’t know why i said any of that.

(35 minutes later)

i’ve just been thinking for the past half hour, about things i shouldn’t have said, things i shouldn’t of done.

i’ve held back all my emotions, feeling somewhat numb, except for the intense feeling of guilt gnawing away at me

the whole house has been eerily silent, usually it would be filled with matt and i’s endless giggles, but it’s not.

i stand up off the couch, my legs somewhat wobbly and my stomach churning with immense guilt.

i need to talk to him,

i drag my feet over to the bottom of the stairwell, knowing matt’s at the top of the stairs, locked away in our bedroom.

one step,

after another,

i slowly walk up the stairs.

my heart pounds against my rib cage, not knowing what matt would say, nor think, when he saw me in the doorway,

the same person that just screamed at him, making him believe that i hated him.

i reach his door, my hand stalling on the doorknob as i let out a soft sigh.

i couldn’t bring myself to just twist the doorknob, my hand was lightly shaking.

i swallow harshly before twisting the knob,

i stand in the doorway, looking around the dimly lit room.

there’s a discomforting feeling in the air, the room is cold.

my eyes search around the room until they land on matt.

he’s laying down on the bed, his back facing me and his still.

is he asleep?

“matt..?” i call out quietly, my voice breaking.

i walk over to the bed, my footsteps light.

suddenly i hear him,

a choked sob escapes him.

he’s crying?

i made him cry,

matt’s never cried infront of me before

and i’m the reason he now has.

“baby- are you crying-?” i whisper, reaching down and brushing his hair away from his eyes. he shivers at my touch, rolling over so his face is buried in the pillow.

i quickly crawl into bed beside him.

“please- please don’t cry-“ i mutter, my tone is panicked as i reach for him.

i sit up against the headboard as he stays buried in the pillows beside me, letting out strangled sobs.

“please look at me- darling i am so sorry, seriously.” i speak softly, my voice just loud enough so it’s audible to him

“matt, look at me please.” i say, my tone shaky as my voice cracks again.

he gently lifts his face from the pillows,

i take the opportunity to grab him, and tug him to sit up beside me.

i run my hands through his messy hair, he looks like a wreck, i feel terrible.

his eyes are swollen, his lips are a deep red and puffy and tears roll down his pale cheeks.

i grab his hands, “matt,” i sigh, “y-you’re killing me.”

matt stares down at the bed, “can- can i have a hug?” he whispers with a small hiccup.

“of course you can have a hug.” i sigh, wrapping my arms around him and pulling his body flush against mine.

i hold him close to me as i lay down on the bed, his head buried in my chest.

he sniffs shakily as he just cries, letting everything out.

i can still feel the undeniable tension in the air,

we’re both so angry at eachother still, it’s hard not to be after argument like that.

“hey, it’ll be okay- we’ll be okay.” i whisper, running my fingers through his locks of hair.

he lets out another sob against me, the noise making my heart break.

“you’re gonna make me cry.” i whisper with a small sigh, holding the back of his head gently.

“sorry.” he sniffles.

i hold him in my arms, whispering small words of affirmation while matt slowly starts to calm down.

i fight back the tears in my eyes as i attempt to stay strong for him.

“could we- talk maybe?” matt sniffs, wiping his eyes on my shirt before slowly lifting himself away from me.

he sits up on the headboard beside me, his legs outstretched and his hands still gently shaking.

“i think we need to.” i nod,

we both sit in silence for a second, waiting for one person to start.

“i know i was-“ i start but matt interrupts me,

“can i go first- i just want to tell you… how i’ve been feeling.” he rambles, his voice cracking.

i nod, “yeah..”

matt starts,

“i mean it when i say you’ve been stupidly distant for the past months, everytime i try to initiate anything with you, i just get brushed off, all of our conversations are shallow and i can’t tell if you actually care about me anymore!”

i stare at him as he rambles, trying to take all of his words to heart without getting mad again.

“i love you so much, and it’s hurting me to see you slowly drift away from me, i just want to know what i did wrong..?” he follows on, swallowing harshly,

i nod slightly, my lips parting to speak but no words coming out.

“i’m not trying to push you away matt.” i whisper,

he goes to speak but i interrupt, “i think it’s just a mix of everything, i’m just so exhausted with work after half my coworkers quit, i’ve been working long hours and i don’t mean to push you away, i swear.” i ramble on,

matt nods slightly with understanding, his hands fidgeting in his lap.

“i love you so much matt, and i’m trying to do better, i promise.” i finish,

matt just looks at me, before finally nodding.

he lets out a breath, one that i can tell took a weight off his shoulders.

“i’m sorry about the argument.” matt says,

i shake my head, “no i was being a pain on purpose, it could’ve been avoided if i acted differently.”

“i came at you with like a confronting tone- i should’ve approached it better.” he speaks,

“and i also shouldn’t have laid my hands on you, i didn’t mean for it to ever get physical..” matt whispers, his eyebrows furrowing as he breaks eye contact with me,

“it’s okay, i needed it-“ i try to defend his actions but he cuts me off,

“no- no that was a shitty thing for me to do, i feel super guilty about it.” he sighs,

the room goes silent, my heart aches as i try to apologise for that one thing i said, the 3 words that exited my mouth, which is now eating me alive.

“i’m sorry- for saying i hate you.. i- i don’t i swear, it wasn’t true at all i was just saying it to make you mad- i promise, i love you more than life itself.” i spit it out.

matt’s gaze softens,

my eyes well up with tears, “i shouldn’t have said that, i’m so sorry-“ i whisper out,

matt reaches his hands up to my face, his hands caressing my cheeks and his thumbs wipe my eyes quickly.

“no tears.” he gently coos,

“i’m so sorry- i fucked up so bad-“ i continue, but matt cuts me off.

he presses his lips to mine, his hands still firmly on the sides of my face.

he rolls us over so he’s ontop of me, keeping our lips connected.

i kiss back, distracting myself from the swirling thoughts in my head.

after a few moments he pulls away from my lips with a small ‘pop’.

a warm smile appears on his face as he peppers kisses all over my face.

i squirm with a giggle as his pecks kisses all over me, before pressing a final peck to my lips.

“we’ll always talk things out next time, i promise this won’t happen again.” he whispers comfortingly, his hands gently running through my hair.

i nod in agreement, “i love you.”

“love you too sweetie.” he whispers, before going back to peppering kisses all over my face.

-

@sturnsdoll @obvisturns @stupid4sturniolo @meerkatzthings @witchofthehour @rosalierenee43 @gabrielle-brun1 @ilovemymannnnnnnn @sturnioloxlver @buckys-goodgirl @sturniol0s @ilovemymannnnnnnn @chr1sgirl4life @luanetaluenta @sturnsssbow @mattfangirl girl @luvr4miya @luvtay111 @lolasturniolo @freshloveforthefit @ruedowney @lovingchrissposts @333michelle @h3arts4harry @jamiesturniolo o @chrisstopherfilmed @ @daddyslilchickenfingers2 @ev3rgreenxtrees @certifiednatelover er @solarsturniolo lo @mattsenthusiast t @yomamaslays4lyfe @peachmels @alinaa131 @pepsiluvr0209 @creamoncreamoncream2 @szobofc @mattscoquette @blahbell668 @sturniolo04 @bitchydragonparadise @sturni0l0tripletzz @ratatioulle @sturnsfav @mattsonlybitch @justalittle47 @sunsetsturniolos

@sturniolo04 @similartokayyz @sturnsintrouble @ilovemattsturn @raysmayhem-72 @75sturn @sturniol0s @secret-sturniolo @hfkeclnendmwodne @sturniolosass @gxldenlush @stonermattsgf @101sara @beccaluvschris @oliviasturniolo21 1 @imwetforyourmom @tylerstacobell @sunsetsturniolos @aliceloveschris @jayz4dayz 4 @sassysturniolo2008 @nyktoxs-love r @nathandoesgf @starsturns234 @chrissturnsss s @joemamaaa42069 @sturnthepot @zayyluvz @realuvrrr @livialifesblog @sturnioloblogs @riowritesitall john @raysmayhem-72

[sugarcoatedstarkey]

hate sex. rafe or drew idc, u have total creative freedom w my suggestion!

Hate Sex

Pairing - Drew Starkey x costar!reader

Summary - good old hate sex.

Warnings - sexual intercourse, fingering, language, choking, name calling. 18+

The anger bubbled in your chest, rising up your neck leaving behind a dark pink tinge to your skin. You had never let Drew get to you this bad before, you were pulling at the roots of your hair just thinking about his punchable but good looking face.

“Breath Y/n” your friend stated, she had hidden herself behind the very small table in your trailer. She was quite frightened when you let your anger out.

She jumped halfway into the air when you threw your phone at the floor, shattering the screen in the process.

“Now look what that fucker has made me do!” You all but screeched, you couldn’t take it anymore. You had to go and speak to him, how DARE he talk about you like that in an interview.

“Oh no no no, you can’t go speaking to him when you're this angry! He didn’t do anything wrong!” Your friend shouted, slamming her palm over her mouth when she realized what she let slip.

“How could you side with him?!”

“Oh come off it y/n, he said lovely things about you!”

“All very untrue things! He made me look like some weak girl who was falling at his knees.. no you know what I’m leaving!”

Before your friend could stop you, you darted out the trailer door and sprinted for him. Exactly 23 steps later your fist pounded at his trailer, you didn’t wait for him to answer and stormed in.

Drew stood in the bathroom with a towel wrapped around his lower half, steam filling the very small shower. Both Chase and Austin sat on the couch staring at you with wide eyes, the sound of the PlayStation in the background echoed through the deafening silence from the four of you.

“What’s up y/n?” Drew sang, giving you his famous boy next door grin. You just wanted to rip his face off but also kiss his face off.

“How dare you?!” You yelled, Drew’s eyes creased together in the middle as he looked at you in confusion. “Want to enlighten me on what I’ve done now sweetcheeks?” He chuckled, stepping out of the bathroom and closing the door. Your eyes dropped for only a moment when a bead of water ran down his chest and dissolved into the towel.

He gave you a knowing look that you shook off. “What’s all that shit you said in the interview?” You questioned, he let out a throaty laugh. Almost a cackle. This had you wild, you stormed towards him with curled fists at your side. “Don’t laugh! You made me out to be some weak girl, talking about how I’m the main person who laughs at your jokes on set, that I always get emotional at old couples!” You shouted, the old couple remark was true.

You did get emotional BUT that didn’t give him the right to tell people, it’s your personal life, personality. They get what they get, they don’t need to know the deeper version of you.

“Y/n, Come on. I wasn’t doing it out of spite” he stated, he was frustrated now. You always jump on him the second you can, yelling down his throat and making him feel like everything he does is wrong. “I honestly don’t give a shit! Don’t talk about me in interviews again!”

He rolled his eyes and looked over your shoulder at your friends, they had both gotten up ready to bounce. They hated being around when the two of you fought.

“Don’t roll your eyes! God! Drew you're so frustrating!”

“Me?! Me, frustrating? You talk some shit y/n, your always down my throat”

“Because you're always being so difficult!”

“Maybe you should lighten up a little and realize I’m a decent human being and your just angry at the world”

“Fuck you Drew”

“No, fuck you”

It happens in a split second, you're both reaching for each other. Your lips hastily press together, your arms wrapping around his shoulders. His hands cup your jaw, your tongues fight with one another. Even kissing, you have to be fighting.

“That’s our que” you heard from behind you, but you didn’t want to pull away. One of his hands drops from your face, grasping onto your waist he pulls you closer to his body.

“You're still annoying” you breathe, his lips trail down your neck. Sucking at the flesh between your collarbone and throat. Your nails scratched down the length of his back leaving deep red lines.

“You're still a bitch” he bit, pushing you towards the couch. Your back met the cushion with a thump, his body trailed behind closely. Parting your legs so he could slot between them.

You had forgotten he was only in a towel, which now parted giving you the most glorious view of his thick hard cock. “Shit” you whined, practically forcing his body down on yours. His hands bunched up your dress to expose your cotton thong, his cock nudged at your pussy.

“How can someone so annoying be blessed with such a perfect cock” you spoke, his chuckle was muffled by the skin of your chest.

“How can someone so frustrating be so fucking hot” he commented, his mouth left kisses along the apex of your chest. You pushed yourself to sit up, pulling the material of your dress over your head.

You now sat in just your panties, his hands palming at your breasts. “Fuck you” you moaned, his teeth pulling your hardened nub. Suckling at your nipple, while the other hand grabbed your ass cheek. “I’m getting their baby” he whispered, the pet name sending shivers down your spine.

“Touch me”.

His fingers dipped under the material of your panties, sliding his pointer and forefinger between your fold and back up to your clit. “Oh shit, yeah like that” you cried, grinding your pussy into his hand. Slipping his two fingers into your cunt, you bite down on his shoulder as he finger fucked you. Pressing the palm of his hand into your clit at the same time, sending your body into overdrive. “You like that? Of course the little bitch likes to be fingerbanged hm? Been thinking about these fingers inside of you huh?” He grunted, brows creased in the middle. He watched your face intently, the way your mouth dropped opened and you gasped for more breath.

“Answer me!”

“YES yes oh fuck yes! Wanted these fingers in me since I met you” you screamed, his dick twitching at your statement. Your moans bounced off the wall and you were sure everyone could hear.

He abruptly pulled his fingers out of you, a slur of protest fell from your lips. “What the fuck Drew?!”.

“Get up and sit on my cock, quit whining and do what I say for once you little slut”.

The vulgarity to his words had your insides fluttering like a damn school girl, pulling your panties down and straddling his hips.

Reaching between the two of you to grasp his cock, giving him a rough few tugs. “Fuck… what I’d do to have your pretty little mouth around my cock right now.” He groaned, his head arched against the backrest of the couch. You began to slide off him, his hands catching your hips before you could get on your knees.

“Right now I want your tight little cunt to sit on my cock, next time I’ll stuff your throat with my cock and make you eat the angry words that you constantly spit out”.

Your ears pricked up at the next part, unbothered by the way he spoke to you. “Fuck you Drew” you spat, his large hand held the base of his cock for you. The tip of his bright pink head nudged at your opening, you took him in painfully slow. Your eyes rolling back as his cock stretched you wide, your hands pressed against his chest for leverage. “Oh-h… oh” you cried, his cock buried deep within your walls.

He gives you a moment to adjust, eyes staring hard at your expressions. The moment your eyes reopened he was bringing your body up and down on him harshly, causing a string of curse words to slip from your mouth.

Your tits bounced in his face, you finally brought yourself out of the sex daze you had fallen into and moved your hips, grinding against him roughly.

Your fingers wrapped around the base of his throat, his eyes were wild. Dark and full of lust, watching you gnaw at your lip. “That’s it pretty girl, fuck my cock like its best goddamn cock you’ve ever had”.

Your nodding your head in agreement, “the best fucking cock, so big” you cried, unaware you had just agreed to him. You were so drunk on dick, you had forgotten how much he irritated you.

“That’s right, best goddamn cock you’ve had. Show me how much you love it” he ordered, and you obliged. Riding him like your life depended on it, throwing your head back. Your nails dug into the flesh of his shoulders, his fingers grabbing your waist tightly.

“Fuck! Just like that!” He groaned, his hands caressed your back. Ducking his head to envelope your nipple into his mouth. “Yes yes yes yes yes” you mumbled, your bodies had a light sheen of sweat to it. “Move” he order, pulling you up from his cock only to spin you around. Pushing your knees into the cushion of the couch and thrusting his cock back into you.

“SHIT!” You cried, clawing at the back of the couch. His large hand pushed you down against the couch, putting one of his legs into the couch to give himself a better angle to fuck into you. “Yeah you like it rough huh”.

The angle of his cock had you in tears, overwhelming pleasure coursed through you. “Of course you like it rough, you’re a dirty angry slut” He could feel you where close, the way your pussy walls fluttered around him, reaching around to grasp your neck and pulling out of you. “DREW! You asshole” you cried, the pleasure that had building in your lower stomach fizzled out only to reignite when his fingers closed around your neck.

“Jump”

You did as order and wrapped your legs around him, he slipped his cock back into you. Moving you both just enough so your bum sat against the bench, ruthlessly he fucked into you. Squeezing his finger around your throat, your own hand coming around to grip his wrist, you screamed and cried in pleasure.

“You dirty little slut! Who knew you were more than just a whining bitch” he spat, pressing his lips to yours before you could fight back. Your fingers scratched up and down his back, the only way you could tell him he was an asshole.

“Drew” you warned, your pussy walls pulsating around his cock and you chased your high. “You're gonna come? Go on then pretty girl, come around my cock” he urges.

His hips move faster and deeper, dropping his finger between you to fondle your clit.

“Holy shit! Oh o-oh!” You cried, letting the overwhelming pleasure knock you over. Curling your toes and tightening your legs around him, your pussy pulsated around his cock. Your nails dug deep into his shoulders trying to ground yourself.

He wrapped her arm around your waist tightly and followed suit, coming deep inside of you. “Fuck fuck fucking hell”.

His sweaty forehead met your chest, both your breathing labored. A few moments of silent breaths go by and he pulls away from you, helping you down from the bench.

“This doesn’t mean I suddenly like you” you comment, stepping around him to collect your dress. Rushing into the bathroom to clean yourself up.

A few moments and words to yourself go by and you open the bathroom door; eyes searching the floor for your panties.

“Looking for these?” He questioned as you stepped out, holding onto your thong with his finger like a prize.

“Fuck you”

“Just did”

Taglist - @laylasbunbunny @h34rtsformilli @lydiasxxsworld @hallecarey1 @mountloverr @outerbankspov @cameronmedia @crunchy-leaves77 @vigilanteshitposting @pedrisgatorade @phoenixssugarbaby @rafemotherfuckingcameron @s-we-e-t-t-ea @rafesthroatbaby @alltoomay @moremaybank @drewstarkeysbae @jjmaybankisbae

[99k4manii]

N.A.I.L.S

Doing this to gojo

MINORS DNI

warning: edging(kinda) nsfw, nicknames like pa,daddy,ma/mami (NOT PROOF READ ND REALLY SHORT)

Gojo satoru x black! Reader

“who came ta make sweet love~? Not me~” you had sung quietly laying on gojo’s lap while he played COD, you continued humming the rest of the song but then you scrolled on you’re instagram (on that iPad you begged gojo for) to see sum nails, they weren’t specifically cute but it made you want to get your nails done. “Pa!” You had said excitedly, but he had ignored you. But you was ganna get what you wanted whether he liked it or not. “Toruuuu” you dragged the last letter of his name, “what ma.” He said eyes glued to the screen smashing buttons on his ps5 controller, “can I get my nails doneee~?” “Y’Ya asking me?” Like he didn’t know you wanted him to pay obviously! “becauseee I need you t’pay for ittt!” He ain’t respond “pleaseeee daddy~? Pretty pretty pretty pleaseee??” You kept going till you heard an annoyed sigh which meant yes. “Go get my wallet off the counter over there” he said eyes still glued to the screen. After you gave him the wallet you basically sprinted though the apartment to the bedroom.

You went to your walk in closet and started to get dressed, you wore this when you came back to the leaving room he had his card out on the coffee table signaling to grab it. “I had already got you a Uber it’s finna be outside.” “Thank you baby!” You said almost sprinting out the house till he stopped you, “ain’t you forgetting sum?” you walked back and gave him a kiss “that’s what I thought. bye I love you” “love you too!”

You came home with these nails with gojo’s  initials on them, “baby I’m home!” You shouted because he wasn’t in the living room anymore, you took off your shoes and walked towards the bedroom seeing him on his phone while the tv plays “Madea's Family Reunion” as he smirked at the little jokes n stuff made on the show you hoped on the bed “wanna see my nails??” “Mhm” he said putting his phone down for a little to take a quick look at your nails barely taking in the details. “Cute” he looked back at his phone, you smacked your lips, “you ain’t even look at ‘em!” You sat against the back board, then you remembered a TikTok trend you had seen! So you decided to try it. You pulled your phone out your purse then dropped the purse on the ground, you unlocked your phone going to TikTok and found to sound. “Baby I need you to stay very still f’me okay?” “Why?” “Just do it!”

You placed your hand on his crotch and started recording while grinding your hand on his shaft, he shifted his head toward putting his phone down trying his best not to move or show any typa weakness, “fuck you doing?” He said with his teeth together, “shhh! I’m recording!” This continued for a good 15 seconds this 15 seconds he noticed how cute your nails really were he also noticed the boner on his pants. You stopped recording and drafted the video. Then you put your phone on charge about to get up then he gripped your Arm and stopped you. “Y’think you can pull shit like that and get away with it?”

“Nghh~! Ohhhh~! F-fuckkkk toruuu!” “Yeaaaa just like that mama~” he had your legs over his shoulders your anklet with his name on it jangling in his ear, “fuckkkk mama give it t’me~” “torruuuu~~!” He pulled out and flipped you over arching your back, bullying his cock in your fat cunt smacking your ass making your brown skin turn a little pink “Yeahhh~ fuck me back ma- shittt!” He yelled feeling his orgasm come close “daddyyyy I’m finna cummm~!” You said with a shaky tone eyes slowly closing and opening “cum f’me baby” your eyes rolled back after y’all both hit that orgasm at the same time.

After fucking for another 1 and a half you were snuggled up to his tated chest drifting to sleep, while he was scrolling through instagram and Pinterest for you some new nail ideas.

Should I do a pt.2?

anywayssss ik its short as I said I really can’t type for dat long cuz my computer broke f’now but I’m telling uu once it fixed ima be boomin!

Bye lovelysss!!

[pickingupmymercedes]

When hating you was all I wanted 3/3 - Lewis Hamilton

A special trilogy part of 1K Jukebox Event

Longer than I care to admit (pt.1) | Even when I said I didn't (pt.2) | When hating you was all I wanted (pt.3).

song: Ruin my life - Zara Larsson (it's not on the jukebox but I heard it and I knew it was the perfect one to tie up the other two songs together)

pairing: Lewis Hamilton x Reader!

a/n: shout out to those who read Ways to say "I love you", there's a special nod to one of the prompts

wordcount: +2k

As always, I'm open for feedback, come say hi!

______________________________________________________________

The overlapping announcements, rolling luggage, and hurried footsteps are chaotic on their own right.

But I can barely hear it over the frantic pounding of my heart.

I don’t know how I got here. My hands still tremble from grabbing my keys, slipping into my shoes, and bolting out of the apartment like my life depended on it.

Maybe it does.

Each step is a struggle against the tide of people flowing in every direction but mine. My lungs burn as I push forward, my mind looping the same damning mantra over and over:

You’re too late. He’s gone. You’ve lost him.

The flight notification had burned into my mind the moment I saw it, a flashing reminder of the time I don’t have.

Forty-five minutes until takeoff. Thirty-five if they’re boarding now.

The logical part of me knows this is reckless.

Security is probably already eyeing me, suspicious of the girl darting through terminals like she’s in a spy movie. I should stop.

Think. Breathe.

But logic doesn’t matter when you’re running for your heart.

My hand shakes as I clutch my phone, the unanswered calls mocking me on the screen.

“Come on, Lewis,” I whisper, desperation threading my voice. Another call, another ring that leads straight to voicemail. “Pick up. Please.”

The last word cracks like a plea, lost in the cacophony around me.

I hate airports. I hate how cold they feel, how big and impersonal they are. How easy it is to lose someone in the endless sea of faces.

But most of all, I hate how every passing second feels like one more nail in the coffin of my cowardice.

You let him leave. You let him leave because you couldn’t say what he needed to hear to stay.

My chest tightens, the weight of my own mistakes mixed with the lack of oxygen. My heart racing with something I couldn’t tell if was desperation or a panic attack

I glance at the departure board. Flight 238. LAX to JFK, already boarding.

My stomach twists into knots as the words flash on the screen.

He’s leaving. He’s really leaving.

I weave through the throngs of people, scanning every face, every figure.

None of them are his.

My chest aches with every breath, but it’s nothing compared to the ache in my soul. The memory of his face before he left keeps playing in my head like a broken record.

The resignation. The quiet heartbreak. The way his shoulders sagged as if carrying the weight of every unspoken word between us.

I didn’t think it would hurt this much. I didn’t think I’d miss him before he even left.

But I do.

I miss him more than I thought I could.

“Can’t or won’t?”

The way he said it still cuts deeper than I expected, the pain raw and unyielding.

“The difference is everything, Y/n.”

He was right. The difference is everything. And I chose wrong. I chose fear. I chose safety.

But none of that feels safe now. Not when every breath feels like it’s crushing me. Not when the thought of him leaving makes me feel like I’m suffocating.

My mind is a battlefield of fear and hope, every thought slamming into me with relentless force.

You can’t let him leave like this.

The thought of him on that plane, of losing him for good.

I fumble with my phone again, my vision blurring as I type out a message.

Y/n: Lewis, please. Just call me. I need to talk to you.

Y/n: I’m sorry. For everything. Just… please don’t leave like this.

The words stare back at me, mocking in their simplicity. I hate how weak they make me feel, how small.

But I hit send anyway. It’s the only thing I can do.

Minutes pass. Still nothing.

I make it back to the main terminal, scanning frantically for the gate. The flight number blinks mockingly at me.

Final boarding.

My stomach lurches. My sneakers slap against the polished floor as I break into a run. People turning to stare, but I don’t care.

I reach the VIP gate just as they announce the last call. My chest heaves as I lean against the counter, gasping for breath.

“Did the NYC flight just close?” I manage to ask. The attendant looks up, startled by my urgency.

“Yes, ma’am,” she says.

My heart leaps into my throat. “Lewis Hamilton,” I blurt. “Is he still here?”

She hesitates, her professional mask faltering for just a moment. “I’m sorry, ma’am, but I can’t disclose that information.”

But her hesitation is enough.

I spin on my heel, my pulse roaring in my ears. My eyes scanning the hallway from the private lounge, and then I see him.

Lewis.

He’s standing off to the side, his back to me, his carry-on slung over one shoulder, his phone nowhere in sight.

He looks calm, collected, every inch the man the world knows as Lewis Hamilton.

He’s waiting. For what, I don’t know. And for whom, I can only pray.

My breath catches, my chest tightening painfully.

Say something, Y/n.

But the words stick in my throat, my legs frozen in place. He looks so composed, so untouchable, and for a moment, the fear overwhelms me.

What if he doesn’t want to hear it? What if you’ve already ruined everything?

Then he starts to move, his long strides taking him closer to the gate.

No.

The realization slams into me like a freight train, and I stumble, my momentum faltering.

“I love you!”

The words burst out of me before I can stop them, my voice cracking under the strain of desperation. Raw and desperate, cutting through the noise of the terminal.

People turning to stare, the sound echoing in the space.

My heart skips a beat as his head turns, his eyes wide and filled with confusion. For a moment, he’s frozen, his carry-on slipping from his shoulder as if the weight of my confession is too much to bear.

I don’t wait for him to process it.

I run.

Security be damned, people be damned—nothing matters except getting to him.

“I love you, Lewis!” I scream again, my voice breaking on his name.

And then his eyes meet mine.

The distance between us shrinks, my steps faltering as I finally reach him. His eyes are wide, stunned, like he can’t quite believe what he’s hearing.

And then time seems to stop.

“I have loved you for longer than I care to admit. I have not stopped loving you, even when I said I didn’t. Even when hating you was all I wanted.”

The words are spilling out now, unstoppable.

Within arm’s reach, I take a deep breath before continue, my chest heaving as I search his face. “Even when I was too scared to say it,” I whisper, my voice barely audible now. “Especially then.”

His eyes search mine, their intensity almost unbearable.

“Y/n…” he breathes, his voice barely audible over the pounding of my heart.

His gaze locks on mine, searching, waiting, giving me time to catch up to the enormity of what I’ve just done.

His hands hover near mine, hesitant, cautious, like he’s afraid I’ll disappear if he moves too quickly.

I don’t take his hand though.

I can’t.

I need so much more.

So, I reach for the back of his neck, my fingers caressing the soft hair at the nape of his neck.

His skin warm under my touch, grounding me in a way nothing else can.

His gaze flickers between my eyes and my mouth, his expression a mix of hope and disbelief.

“I love you” I whisper, the words finally spilling out like a confession. “I’ve always loved you.”

The air between us crackles with tension, the kind that pulls you in and refuses to let go.

And then, as if on instinct, his arms wrap around my waist, pulling me flush against him.

The kiss is everything and nothing like I expected.

It’s soft at first, tentative, like he’s testing the waters, but when I respond, it shifts.

It’s heat and longing and every unspoken word we never said, all wrapped up in his lips moving against mine.

His hands anchor me to him, one at the small of my back, the other on my jaw.

I can feel the stubble on his beard, the faint scent of his cologne mingling with the salt of my tears.

It’s overwhelming, consuming, and I never want it to end.

When we finally pull apart, his forehead rests against mine, his breaths coming in uneven gasps that match my own.

“I can’t keep leaving you behind” he says, his voice rough with emotion.

“You won’t have to” I reply, my hands still cradling his face. “Not anymore.”

His eyes search mine, and for the first time, I see something I never thought I deserved—relief.

And love.

“I’m going to ruin your life, you know?!” I murmur against his lips, a shaky laugh escaping me.

He pulls back just enough to meet my gaze, his eyes soft. “As long as you’re in it, I don’t care.” he whispers, his voice full of intent.

The sound of distant murmurs pulls us back to reality. People are staring now, phones raised, whispers spreading like wildfire.

Lewis glances around, a wry smile tugging at the corner of his lips. “Well,” he says, his tone dry, “now we really can’t go back on this.”

I laugh softly, resting my forehead against his. “No,” I whisper. “We can’t.”

Before I can say more, security approaches, their expressions a mix of exasperation and recognition. “Mr. Hamilton, Miss…” one of them starts, clearly trying to maintain professionalism despite the chaos.

Lewis tightens his hold on me, his smile turning playful. “Looks like we’re causing a scene.”

I can’t help but laugh, my heart feeling lighter than it has in weeks as he responds. “Wouldn’t be the first time.”

“Come on,” he murmurs, his voice low and full of promise as we're scorted back to the vip lounge. “Let’s go figure this out”

And none of it matters.

But him.

And for the first time in what feels like forever, I’m not running away.

I’m running towards him.

Towards us.

"Okay, so I gotta ask," I say, glancing around the sleek but surprisingly compact space. “This is the glamorous life of an F1 WAG? I thought there’d be… I don’t know, more gold-plated chandeliers or something.”

Lewis snorts, looking up from the kitchenette where he’s fiddling with a cup of tea. “You were expecting a palace on wheels?” He saunters over, his grin equal parts amused and smug. “Sorry to disappoint, princess.”

I stretch out on the plush sofa—a truly luxurious thing to have in a motorhome, to be quite honest.

“Honestly? I thought I’d at least get a jacuzzi”

“Jacuzzi?” He raises an eyebrow, setting the tea down on the small table before climbing onto the sofa beside me. “You’ve got me. Isn’t that enough?”

I roll my eyes, but my smile betrays me. “Barely.”

“Barely, huh?” He leans over me, bracing himself on his elbows so that his body hovers just above mine.

His scent—clean, warm, and uniquely Lewis—envelops me, making the space feel small.

“You want out already?” he asks, his voice low, teasing, but with just enough vulnerability underneath to make my chest ache.

“Never,” I whisper, my fingers sliding up to tangle softly in his necklace. “You’re stuck with me now.”

His lips twitch, his eyes softening in that way that always undoes me. “Good.”

I pull him down, meeting him halfway for a kiss that’s slow and tender, the kind that feels like home.

His weight settles over me, grounding me, and for a moment, everything else fades—the race, the world outside, the chaos of the past few days.

It’s just us.

“You’re terrible at pretending you don’t want me, you know” he murmurs against my lips, his tone playful.

“I wasn’t pretending” I counter, though we both know it’s a lie. “I was… confused.”

“Confused,” he echoes, kissing the corner of my mouth. “You sure about that?”

I laugh softly, threading my fingers through his hair. “Positive. Now shut up and kiss me again, Hamilton.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

His lips crash into mine, and this time, there’s nothing slow about it.

It’s all heat and need, his hands finding my waist as he presses me further into the cushions.

And in a motorhome, surrounded by the hum of a f1 paddock outside, I finally realize something.

It doesn’t matter where we are—whether it’s a cramped motorhome, a five-star hotel, or the middle of an airport.

As long as it’s with him, it’s exactly where I’m meant to be.

My decision of a lifetime, one that after that day I'd make every day, over and over.

_____________________________________________________________

TAGLIST - @saturnssunflower @xoscar03 @chocolatediplomatdreamerzonk @itsmrshamilton @vicurious28

@0710khj @thecubanator2 @neilakk @bigratbitchsworld @adriswrld

@fearfam69691 @cmleitora @goldenroutledge @timmychalametsstuff @jpgnsf

@priopp123 @strqirlhrts @hmmmmm-01 @bisexual-babygirl-mj @bebesobrielo

@hiireadstuff @f1-football-fiend @unlikelystay @thesizzler

If you’d like to be added to my taglist you can leave a comment or send me a dm/ask.

[princhii]

↳ Ciclos

bada lee x fem!reader

not proofread per usual, this is vry short just a little smtg!

↳ cw!: angst, toxic, cheating, very slightly suggestive, light(?) manipulation. just sad lol

a/n: literally copy n pasted from my notes..! i’m coping rn srry…if i gotta feel it so do all of u..! also i do not condone anything mentioned below the cut. lowkey just venting i’ve had quite the week 🌷

“i trusted you.”

“i know.”

“…”

you sat uncomfortably on the plush sofa, hunching over and covering your face with your now wet hands. your eyes nonstop letting tears roll down.

the only sound audible being sobs you choked out. complete silence on the other end.

you huffed out an exaggerated sigh and sat up, frantically wiping your tears away— trying to, at least. the older girl who sat on the other side of the couch shifted slightly, her eyes glaring over at you. stoic expression. you really couldn’t read her. she extended her arm out, attempting to put her hand on your thigh. quickly, you smacked her hand away and jolted up from the sofa. her expression once again, unreadable. she didn’t even react.

“do you even really care?”

silence.

“bada, answer me. please.”

bada looked up at you before standing up herself. she calmly walked towards you, but still leaving enough distance between the both of you. opening her mouth slightly to say something, she quickly shut it once she realized she truly didn’t know what to say. what does one even say when they get caught cheating? again?

“i know i gain nothing by apologizing. what you saw was real. what you heard was real. it all happened and,” bada groaned lightly, sitting back down on the sofa. “i don’t think anything i say even matters.”

this time you stayed silent. completely.

the two of you in the living room which was now filled with very awkward silence and an uncomfortable tension.

and in the heat of the moment, you couldn’t keep it together any longer. you snapped.

“bada lee, you are so fucking unbelievable! are you even listening to yourself right now?” you shouted.

the older girl just blinked. once again, saying nothing.

“countless times i’ve asked you about her. you knew how those rumors made me feel. you told me not to worry for christ’s sake!” you wept out, your tears once again getting the best of you.

this time, bada reacted. her hands balling into fists.

“i’m…sorry.”

you scoffed at her weak attempt of an apology. this personally annoyed the older girl. it was made known once you saw her get up and grab her keys.

“why do you always do this? any time we try discussing something, you get pissed and you leave. you go out with your friends, jesus, and now i know you go to her.” your chest heaved with every word. could she really not grasp the seriousness of the situation?

looking over her shoulder, bada looked right at you. only this time, you could see how glossy her eyes became. was it guilt?

no.

as much as you wanted to run over to her and beg her to stay, you couldn’t. you froze. how did you know it wasn’t guilt? because it wasn’t the first time, unfortunately. empty promises of her changing, she never changed. bada stayed the same.

“i’ll be back tomorrow. have a good night, y/n.”

tomorrow had in fact, never came.

•·················•·················•

you hurriedly typed away, attempting to finish an essay you had been pushing back up until last minute. your hair in a messy bun, glasses slightly smudged, and very tired eyes. the bright screen of your laptop slowly creeping up on your eyes and stinging some.

you felt your phone vibrating from underneath the covers. you put your laptop to the side and looked for your phone, lifting it up to see what it was and who could possibly be calling you at such late hours.

unknown caller id

it could either be one, a scammer, or two, maybe one of your friends or relatives got a new number.

and handing the caller the benefit of the doubt, you went with the second option and picked it up. immediately regretting your decision as soon as you heard the voice on the other line.

“ah, hello. is this y/n?”

your heart sank, your stomach churning uncomfortably, and your chest suddenly aching. unknown caller was bada. letting out a breathy sigh, you decided to respond instead of hanging up. was it a good idea? no. why would it ever be?

“what do you want?”

“can i come over?”

“you’re insane, leave me alone.” right as you were about to hang up, her voice got louder. growing curious, you pressed your phone against your ear.

“y/n wait, please. i just need to talk to you— in person.”

“it’s two in the morning.”

“it’s been so long, please let me see you. let me talk.”

“a year and eight months but who’s counting?”

you hung up.

•·················•·················•

“i missed you. so much. so damn much.”

the older girl peppering kisses across your jawline. her large hands roaming all over your body, leaving goosebumps along the skin she caressed.

to say you fucked up was an understatement.

both of your naked bodies intertwined and sprawled out on your bed. truth is after you hung up on her earlier, she kept calling and messaging you. quite literally blowing up your phone, it started heating up. you gave in after a while. but only to talk. just talk.

that was not the situation at hand. far from it.

“and you said all you wanted was to talk…”

“and you weren’t complaining when i had my fingers deep insi—“

you cut her off by smacking her away, embarrassed by the truth behind her words. bada laughed softly and pulled you closer towards her, resting her chin atop your head. you felt her fingers lightly stroke your hair, causing you to yawn and grow aware of how tired she had made you. leaning into her touch, your eyes grew heavier. you were sleepy.

“will you be here in the morning?” you muttered.

“of course, my love. i won’t let you go. i love you, y/n.”

your heart fluttered.

“i love you too.”

•·················•·················•

“are you happy?”

“…”

“gotcha.”

you let out a long sigh, feeling like an idiot for even bothering to ask such a stupid question. the older girl scooted closer to you, arms brushing slightly against each other. the two of you sitting on the park bench, looking up mindlessly into the starry night sky.

“can i hold your hand?” bada whispered, fidgeting with her fingers.

“your girlfriend wouldn’t like that. no.”

a long pause of silence was exchanged. although shortly after, the both of you met halfway and interlocked pinkies. you knew you shouldn’t have, but there was no possible way for your heart to slow down. you knew this was a mistake.

bada hummed softly, leaning against the bench and tilting her to the side, giving you a smile. and, god, was she so attractive underneath the pale moonlight. her eyes sparkling perfectly with the way the natural lighting of the moon shun upon her face. her lips curled into that sweet smile she’d always give you. tightening your grip on her pinky, you looked down into your lap. you refused to look at her like this.

“why did this happen to us?” you chuckled dryly, letting go of her pinky to cover your face with both hands.

“i forgave you so many times. you’re doing the same thing to her, except it’s with me now. why couldn’t you just change, bada. why did we have to go through all of this?”

bada kept quiet before answering.

“i still love you.” she huffed.

“we can’t keep doing this. we’re going in circles. it’s a never ending cycle, bada.” you retorted, sneering at the older girl next to you. bada frowned, crossing her arms over her chest. the two of you stayed like this for another good ten minutes. not a single word exchanged between you two. just the sound of the wind breezing lightly and leaves rustling.

you had no intentions in meeting up with her tonight, especially as somewhere as public and open as the park. but here you were, again.

although it wasn’t on your list of plans for the night, you had made a decision, mentally. tonight you were cutting her off for good. you had to.

to say it hurt you was an understatement. it absolutely destroyed you. this person was someone you genuinely saw a future with— someone you did plan your future with. deep down, you’d always hope and pray for the day bada would keep her word and change. she always proved you wrong, though. every. single. time. after the breakup, quite some time had passed and here you guys were. back to square one. bada finds her way to crawl back, and you let her. she’ll shower you with empty promises of her changing, of how much she loves you. oh, and she swears it. only this time it was worse. she was in a relationship, and it wasn’t with you.

it took you by surprise considering the fact that she was dating the girl she had constantly told you not to worry about. and here she is, being unfaithful once again. you couldn’t help but burst out into a hysterical laughter. clutching onto your sides from the pain growing caused by your fit of giggles. the girl next to you gave you a concerned look, but still not bothering to say anything. she’s always like this.

after recollecting yourself, you took a deep breath and stood up from the bench. grabbing the older girl’s hand, you helped her up. bada’s face flushed a very light and subtle pink. you both stood in front of the other. looking up at bada, you couldn’t stop yourself from giving her a smile. she smiled back and pulled you into what you swore was the tightest hug you’ve ever experienced.

“will i ever see you again?” bada finally broke down.

she was crying.

you pulled yourself apart from the taller girl, gently pushing her away from the shared hug. you felt tears pooling in your eyes again.

a huge part of you just wanted to say ‘fuck it’ and try it all over again. give bada just one more chance.

but you knew how the story ends. every time.

“take care of yourself, bada.”

you walked away.

and guess what?

so did she.

[notti-stellate]

Quietly Content

a/n: This was written mostly for myself honestly, I need Ronnie to save me right now. Also is there even anyone on here who reads Ronnie fics?

Ronnie Radke x fem!reader

. 。・゜✭・.・✫゜・。.. 。・゜✭・.・✫゜・。.. 。・゜✭・.・✫゜・。.

I turned up my music as high as it could go, another attempt at drowning out my parent’s screams. It had been hours since my mom got home, immediately starting a fight with my dad for honestly no apparent reason. I could still hear their muffled voices as I pulled my guitar off of the wall, strumming a few cords from one of Ronnie’s songs. I longed for a quiet night with him more than anything right now, a night where no one was yelling and we could just relax in each other’s presence. I was debating whether or not to text him when my phone lit up, a picture of us before a show filling the screen.

“You have to be psychic or something” I declared, shrugging my shoulders and setting my phone on my desk.

“Well hello to you too princess,” Ronnie laughed, “How busy are you?”

“Not at all, please tell me you’re gonna come save me” I said in a pleading voice, only half joking

“Wanna come over? We can watch that scary movie or whatever it was you were talking about.”

“Ronald Radke I’m offended, how could you not remember the movie I was talking about it for like an hour yesterday…but yes absolutely I would love to.”

He rolled his eyes playfully, telling me he’ll be here in a few minutes and hanging up. I hurried around my room packing a bag for the night, not that I really needed to. I wear Ronnie’s clothes when I’m over most of the time anyways. Taking my headphones out I prepared myself to go downstairs and tell my parents I was leaving. It was like going into war at this point, at least that’s what it felt like. I tried to make less noise than usual going down the stairs, maybe I could just sneak past and they won’t notice. I got halfway to the door when my dad called my name.

“Where are you going at this hour? It better not be with that boy you’re always hanging out with, I already told you I don’t want you around him he’s a horrible influence” My mother shouted, easily redirecting her anger from my father to me.

“His name is Ronnie mom, and since when do you even care what I do” I scoffed, we’ve already fought about this multiple times and everytime she always says the same things. I felt my heartbeat speed up in anticipation of the arguing that was about to ensue. She always knew exactly how to press my buttons, people talking about Ronnie was my weak spot and she knew it.

“I don’t care what his name is, you aren’t going anywhere near that delinquent,” She stepped towards me as she spoke, “ I’m your mother so whether you like it or not I decide who you hang out with and I say absolutely not”

I felt my patience snap as she stepped closer, “You aren’t even around enough to call yourself a mother, you don’t get to just pick and choose when to be a parent. You say Ronnie is a bad influence when you’re the one who is out every night doing god knows what and coming home drunk out of your mind.” I screamed right back at her, we were so close to each other I could smell the alcohol wafting off of her. I threw my bag over my shoulder and walked out, slamming the door behind me.

Ronnie was waiting in the car as I stormed out, I assumed he probably heard us but he didn’t say anything about it as I slid in the passenger seat. He was honestly pretty used to hearing the fighting, having to rescue me more times than either of us could count. I rested my head back against the seat and closed my eyes. I felt Ronnie squeeze my leg lightly before pulling away from the house. I took a couple breaths before opening my eyes and hooking up my phone to the car. I clicked shuffle on our shared playlist and smiled happily at my boyfriend. 

There was something about Ronnie that always calmed me down, it was like it just radiated off of him. Even before we got together Ronnie was always that calming presence for me, like a lighthouse to a ship during the worst of the storm. From what I could tell it was like that for him too, it was always hard for him to relax especially after he was released but when we were alone together it was like a blanket was placed over us, making it feel like we were the only people in the world. We got to the house soon after and went straight to Ronnie’s room. Tossing my bag down next to the dresser I laid back against the headboard, it was pretty much second nature at this point. Ronnie handed me the remote and quickly slid in next to me, resting his head on my chest. One of my hands automatically started to play with his hair as I turned on the movie. Discarding the remote on the nightstand my other hand rested against his back scratching softly up and down his spine. Ronnie sighed contently, mumbling a soft ‘I love you’ as he pulled a blanket over us both. I placed a soft kiss against his hair as a whispered back, neither one of us wanting to break the peaceful quietness that surrounded us.

[the73rdpostscript]

Tell me again about No Sleep Till JoeNicky - 7 - nice version and also tell me about aaaaahhhhhhh

(I know you know the background of this fic, but since most people don't I'm just gonna explain it.)

I'm writing a modern au where Joe develops really bad insomnia and discovers that the only way he can get some sleep is if he's sleeping...next to Nicky. He doesn't like Nicky but he REALLY needs to sleep before his big art show so they have to make it work and oh my GOSH wouldn't you know it they fall in love.

The first draft of this fic had Joe acting too rude for too long without adequate reason. I was essentially half-assing an enemies to lovers when the vibe of the story was just cutesy romcom stuff and it didn't work at all - even though I had some really fucking good scenes in there if I do say so myself.

So right now the story is being reformatted so that Joe is less of an asshole and the climax of the fic is no longer the two of them being vulnerable and apologizing to each other at a sleep clinic.

So since the sleep clinic climax isn't happening I'm gonna just share it here. It's a very long section but I really like what I had.

So....enjoy a massive amount of writing that is now totally irrelevant!

-

“I need to sleep! I want to sleep! And ideally I would be able to do that away from you!” Joe shouts.

As soon as the words leave his mouth, he wishes he could take them back. Across from him, Nicky has gone completely still - mouth pinched shut and eyes shifting from hurt to distant so quickly Joe would miss it if he hadn’t spent the last week looking into those same eyes every morning and every night.

“Then it seems we have no more need to keep up the charade, as you called it.” Nicky says quietly. He might as well be sitting in an office meeting with strangers.

“Nicky, I’m sorry. I didn’t-”

“I’d like you to leave now.” Joe thought he had heard the worst of Nicky’s coldness during the first fight they ever had. The ice in Nicky’s voice now would have shredded him that first day. It’s all he can do to look at Nicky long enough to nod and turn away.

-

He walks home, even though his hands are shaking and his legs feel weak. The cold air is an unpleasant sensation and he thinks he might be in trouble if it’s still better than the feeling he has after that fight.

When he gets home he walks past Nicky's shortbread and eats leftover takeout that smells questionable at best.

Maybe there was something to his false bravado about not needing Nicky, because after an hour of crying to himself he falls asleep on his couch, alone.  

-

The next day he can barely get any work done, and the Nicky painting sits in the corner, staring at him as he struggles with the other canvas – the one he was so close to finishing yesterday.

Around dinnertime, Quynh sends him an email with the options for an appointment at the sleep clinic – detailing the merits of the place, and asking for a response when he’s able. When they’re able actually. Nicky is the other recipient of the email, and though he hasn’t responded with his availability yet, Joe knows he’s seen it.

Nicky is always checking his phone – Joe’s seen him do it so many times he could paint the gesture from every angle. He would want to do one from just behind, and capture the privacy of the moment from over Nicky’s shoulder, highlighting the angle of his nose as the screen lights it up, and the clench of his jaw that he never seems to notice. Maybe Nicky would sleep better if he looked at his phone less.

The email stares up at him from his phone, and Quynh’s impatience is clear in every perfectly chosen word. There are implications there: Quynh and Nicky have spoken since last night, or Andy and Nicky. Maybe Nicky didn’t say anything and Quynh saw his mood at lunch. She’s been suspiciously quiet towards Joe since this whole thing started and it hasn’t escaped Joe’s notice that Andy introduced her to Joe after she was already friends with Nicky.

Joe’s pulse spikes at the idea of losing Quynh or Andy over this. But then he remembers the time that Booker almost hit Joe outside the nightclub, and the time that Andy disappeared for a week in the middle of her own wedding preparations. Joe doesn’t make friends with people who would turns him away over a single fight. Even if he feels like he might deserve it right now.

None of this matters in the moment, however. Joe had asked for a solution to his sleep problem that doesn’t include Nicky, and that’s what’s being offered.

With a sigh, he sends back his availability, and he only barely resists throwing his phone when Nicky responds less than a minute later with his own confirmation of a date that will work.

Before he can stop himself, Joe opens a text message to Nicky, and he gets halfway through his first sentence before he realizes that he doesn’t know what he could say that would even start to address everything that’s happened so far.

Instead he shuts his phone and pulls out an old canvas he once left half finished out of sheer annoyance. He paints until the sun comes up, and then he paints some more.

-

The sleep clinic is small. Joe only sees two assistants and one clinician. The assistants have Joe fill out forms when he arrives, perched awkwardly on a plastic chair next to Nicky.

Between the staff’s polite and distant demeanor, and Nicky’s stoic compliance, Joe feels like he’s alone in the room. It isn’t until they’re asked to detail what’s been going on that he feels a semblance of normalcy.

“So that’s why we’re here to see you,” Joe finishes, having taken point on explaining the situation.

The clinician behind the desk looks at Nicky. “Anything to add?”

Nicky shrugs, “Joe covered it all more or less accurately. I have been struggling with sleep for longer than him, but sleeping beside him has let me sleep regularly and more easily.”

“How much longer have you had trouble sleeping?” The clinician asks, looking down at Nicky’s chart.

Joe watches the lines of Nicky’s shoulder lift – tension clear in his jaw, “I don’t think that’s relevant.”

The clinician responds coolly, “I can’t help you without the proper background information.”

Glancing at Joe, Nicky lets out a sigh, “I stopped sleeping well in my late teenage years.”

Joe tries not to visibly respond, but he can feel his mouth drop open. Beside him, Nicky seems to tense more - as if he can sense Joe’s reaction.

“Any idea what caused the change?”

“I don’t think Nicky needs to share that,” Joe says, speaking before he thinks about it. The idea of Nicky being asked to tell a strangers details that he hasn’t even been able to tell Joe after a week of sleeping in the same bed feels inappropriate at best. This was not a part of his plans to get some sleep.

If Nicky has anything to say about the interruption, he doesn’t get the chance as the clinician addresses Joe, “We are not mind readers Mr. Al-Kaysani. We can’t tell you what is going on with you if we don’t have context for the things you’re experiencing.”

“That may be true, but Nicky didn’t want to share any of this with me before, and I don’t-“

“Nothing changed,” Nicky interrupts Joe with all the calm that Joe can’t feel, “I could not even guess why I stopped sleeping. I’m sorry if that hinders any part of this study.” Something in his voice sounds off, but the clinician doesn’t seem to notice as she nods.

“Okay. Well thank you for telling us what you could. I can’t promise any results tonight, but we will do our best with what we get.”

As the woman rises from her chair, Joe turns to look at Nicky. The other man is gathering his coat and his bag – avoiding Joe’s eyes.

It’s all Joe can do not to grab him and ask him if he still wants to do this at all.

-

When they’re led into a room with two twin beds, Nicky still isn’t looking at Joe.

They were directed to put on their own sleepwear before they came in, and Joe notices that the shirt Nicky picked is different than the worn out ones he usually wears to bed. Joe himself is wearing sweatpants that he normally works out in, and he isn’t even close to feeling relaxed as they get into their respective beds.

The woman speaks over the intercom to them, instructing them to try and sleep but not to feel pressure. They have time, according to her.

For a few minutes, Joe and Nicky lay in silence.

“Quynh didn’t come,” Joe observes at last, “I thought she might.”

“Her meeting ran late,” Nicky responds, voice stiff.

And with that, they return to silence.

Another few minutes pass by, and Joe knows they can’t have been there long, but he’s distinctly aware of how slow time is moving based on how loud Nicky’s breathing feels – uneven and overwhelming over the distance between them.

“I’m sorry,” Joe says, suddenly.

In the silence, Nicky’s breathing has changed, “Scusi?”

“I’m sorry that they asked you about your past, and that you have to be here at all. This wasn’t where I thought we’d end up.”

For a long time they lay in silence.

“Where did you think we’d end up?” Nicky asks.

Joe opens and closes his mouth several times before Nicky shifts in his bed and says, “We should try counting down again.” The lights of the room are dim but not completely dark and Joe can see Nicky laying stiffly under the sheets – looking as uncomfortable as Joe feels.

“Alright. 10, 9, 8,”

Nicky joins him on 7, and this time Joe is still awake when he gets to 1, so he hears Nicky’s voice slow down and drop off during the countdown. For a moment the only sound in the room is the unnatural hum of a different air system, and the steady inhaling and exhaling of Nicky’s sleep.

-

The clinician wakes Joe up, and after a moment of feeling disoriented, he looks over at where Nicky is already sitting up – waiting for one of the assistants to finish pulling the sensors off his face.

“Did you find anything?” Joe asks the clinician, not bothering to let her say anything before he sits up and reaches to help her pull the sensors off.

She catches his hands and tells him to be patient and to relax a moment, but he only lowers his hands and asks, “Did you get what you needed?”

“We got what we needed, but I’m afraid you’re going to be disappointed with what we discovered.”

Joe can’t see Nicky’s face but he can feel the tension radiating off of him.

The clinician steps back to more clearly address them both as she says, “We’ve confirmed that there’s nothing unusual about your physical readings when you sleep beside each other. There’s nothing specific going on biologically that we can point to right now.”

Joe wants to scream. “What does that mean?”

For the first time all night, the woman looks a little soft as she addresses him, “It means I don’t have any answers for you, Mr. Al-Kaysani.”

"So why cant I sleep without him?" He can’t stop himself from asking.

The woman gives him a patient look as she responds, "It could be any number of things. External or internal. Rhythms of your apartment, lack of sound, a pet, nightmares, anxiety-"

Joe doesn’t know why, but the very word makes him choke. “Are you saying that being without Nicky gives me anxiety?" Before he finishes the question he’s looking over at Nicky, and Nicky turns to look back. His face is intense and his gaze unwavering. It’s the expression he made the night that they talked about his nightmares – scared and determined and so unbelievably vulnerable that it makes Joe choke on the last word. Something in Nicky’s jaw ticks, and Joe wonders about it for a moment before Nicky speaks and the moment dissipates.

"Impossible. Anyone who feels anxiety when I'm gone has never lost an argument about something as stupid as whether or not [team] will make it to [tournament]."

Joe crushes the urge to argue and takes the offering for what it is, turning to the doctor and asking, "Do you see what I have to put up with?"

The doctor hums and looks down at her chart, "if you don't have any more questions, I'll let you both go. We have all we need for now and you'll get results in your email within a few days."

-

They leave the lab in relative silence, and as they step out of the doors, Joe asks, “Will you come back to my place?”

Nicky looks startled at the question, and Joe remembers just as suddenly what day it is.

“Oh. Right, you have that thing.”

After a brief look of confusion, Nicky’s expression turns to something that might be either frustrated or fond, “That’s not tonight. I’d be happy to come back to your place.”

The radio keeps them company on the drive back to Joe’s apartment, and it isn’t until they get inside that Joe thinks to ask, “Did you cancel your mystery guests?”

“I did,” Nicky says, sounding tired. For a moment, they stand in the hallway together – Joe leaning against the wall and Nicky with his hands on his hips. They must paint a rather sad picture – half in and half out, of both the apartment and this peace that could be something deeper if they let it. If Joe let it, maybe.

“I’m sorry.”

“So you said,” Nicky replies, one corner of his mouth lifting, “Show me where your kitchen is. I think we both could use something to eat.”

Once Joe’s gotten Nicky acquainted with the space and convinced him to keep the cooking simple, he settles himself the counter he thinks will be least in the way.

“You know don’t have to cook for me. I wouldn’t exactly want to feed me right now after everything.”

“That is why it’s good that you don’t make decisions for me,” Nicky says, digging around in the fridge, “You could do something for me though.”

“What?”

Standing up straight, Nicky turns to meet Joe’s eyes. “Tell me what this has all been about.”

-

[groundbreakingdot872]

update on how my family’s managing after DotD

“tell them we’re devastated” HAHA

no joke christmas was ruined- felt the evil energy of the bbc merlin writers ten years ago, running through my veins, as I clicked on part 2 on prime video ;)

they soldiered through the first part like champs, only small comments on Arthur’s round table speech they wondered how Elyan’s seat had been replaced and immediately clocked Eira as a traitor bc ‘that’s something the show always does 🙄’

sisters were crying when Merlin was stuck in the crystal cave, and I was crying when he walked up the landslide of rocks after Balinor and disappeared into a halo of white light..

then the second episode started and I was

s h a k i n g

(still hearing the words ‘just really sad’ and ‘I can’t believe it’ and ‘she tricked us 😦’ in the living room as I type this up, and it’s been way more than 24 hours later…)

Gwen was so badass! 🥰 and Merlin was out there winning! And I remembered why this was so terrible the first time, the show works hard to give us this false sense of security.

I clicked on the episode knowing that within 5 minutes Arthur would be stabbed and I’d be able to retire from my long career as a loving older sister.

It was literally a ‘gasps hears around the world’ kinda moment, they all sat up and then, my second youngest sister the Mordred stan (she dressed up as him for our s2 finale costume contest) burst into tears! and I actually felt really bad.

But then the magic reveal!

It was deadly quiet when Merlin revealed his magic and there were a few long sighs when Arthur turned away to say ‘leave me’. I was pretty much inconsolable and this is my third rewatch personally. They did! make the connection between Merlin’s ‘fire dragon’ from ‘Moment of Truth’ and the one from this ep however :)

Then we had the long haul of waiting for the beginning of the real end really, and I was relieved to hear them giggle when Arthur and Merlin reminiscenced about their first market place fight, and Merlin’s ‘charm’.

then… The Real End

Of course my little brother (if you remember him from his story ‘Morgana’s Weak Quickening) had to gloat about how Merlin had ended her, just as he’d predicted, and everyone was shushing and glaring at him because it wasn’t the time lmao

I was already crying for real by the time Merlin had Arthur in his arms and they were exchanging their last words, and I was surprised to find later that they did! hear Arthur say ‘just hold me… please’ because I hadn’t heard it on my first watch.

There were no gasps or shouts when Arthur died, just silence…

No one jumped when the truck came on scene as a jumpscare (I was kind of mad at myself for getting startled even though I knew!), and then Merlin crossed our tv screen for the last time and I let the end credits play in full.

They shushed me after I attempted to speak in the two minutes after the credits ended, and it was so quiet for the next ten minutes I thought I broke them…

Their reactions:

Sister 1: ‘Wh-hat..?’

Sister 2: ‘HE DIDN’T DESERVE TO DIE’ (Mordred😵‍💫)

Sister 3: ‘But Gaius didn’t die?? I didn’t put ‘Arthur dies’ on my theory list…’

Brother: ‘I TOLD YOU SO. But… now I’m a little sad :(‘

Afterwards, I promised I’d let them all loose to look up any ‘spoilers’ for the show they wanted. (We have an unofficial rule that whenever we’re watching anything for the time, we can’t look up anything related for fear of spoilers. And I’m a very strict drill sergeant about this 🫡)

But they weren’t very interested…

Our Christmas morning was noticeably sadder. And I wondered again how families in 2012 had coped when their kids had struggled through the unfairness of the finale and still had to open presents the next morning… a mystery really…

They spent the whole. day. watching edits and playing sad music in the living room (to which my parents were very confused) and coming up to me to either rant or fight about the finale haha

Now my sister (the piano playing one) is learning how to play ‘Solas’ by Jamie Duffy on the piano bc she says it reminds her of Diamond of the day and she’s been very determined! All break, she’s been getting up to play ‘Solas’ and ‘Bond of Sacrifice’ and ‘The Love Theme’ and I’m proud of her, for getting this far and only a little concerned

- I think the kids are gonna be alright? lmao

They’ve made plans for fanart and fanfics and alternative endings and I think I’ve fully recruited them into the immoral fandom (if not happily) although I’m sure they’ll recover soon enough to join us in bittersweet reminiscence next year :)

oh! forgot to add one last thing

after rewatching ‘A Dragon’s Call’ last night my brother had one thing to say. “Arthur says ‘there’s something about you Merlin’ …but that something was that he would die in Merlin’s arms…” LMAO I almost died on the spot but I’m glad to see they’ve inherited the fandom’s morbid (or Mordred ;) sense of humor

[iamfruitie]

I'd like to thank @madpatsimp for inspiring and encouraging me to write this lil thing Here's a sleep-deprived Mad flirting with Mare because he thinks he's dreaming, Mare's having a lil gay panic and Phantom being...himself about it -----------------

Mad had this bad habit of getting involved in a project and forgetting about basic necessities until the work got done. Sleep was the first thing to go, endless hours of work, staring at a screen and using every part of his brain until it would eventually slow down to almost a halt and turn him into a dizzy mess. A sleep-deprived Mad was an…interesting Mad since his thoughts made conclusions a rested Mad would never do. 

And right now, those thoughts convinced him he was lucid dreaming. 

Everything felt strange, foggy, like a dream, when in reality, the poor man needed some sleep that lasted more than a five-minute cat nap. 

“The realistic ones are always the weirdest,” Mad said as he looked around his workroom. He’s had dreams like this before, putting him in this room but with a twist. The twist hadn’t been found yet, but he was waiting for something to happen. 

“Mad? Are you still in here?” Mare asked as he came into the room. He was dressed in his sleepwear, which was just a pair of comfortable pajama bottoms. 

There it was. There was the twist. 

This was one of those dreams.

He could tell because Mare seem to look even more attractive than usual. The pants were on his hips lower, and everything just looked so much…nicer.

“Mare~” Mad sang with a giggle. 

He always felt so guilty after waking up from one of these dreams. He shouldn’t think of his friend this way but at the moment, he didn’t care. He couldn’t control his dreams, he didn’t even know he knew half of the things that would happen in these dreams…he’s been around Phantom and his mouth too much. 

“I think someone needs to go to bed.” Mare sighed. 

“You are so nice, Mare,” Mad said as Mare started walking over to him. 

“I know.” Mare chuckled. 

“You’re so nice and smart and funny and talented.” Mad started rambling, and Mare turned his chair so he was facing him. 

“Thank you.”

“And you’re so hot.” Mad’s comment got Mare to freeze and his eyes to go wide in shock. “I really like your arms. They’re so colorful and muscular.” Mad swayed forward and touched Mare’s arms, running his hands along them. 

“They’re-uh-what?” Mare was not expecting this at all. Where in the world was this coming from?

“They’re nothing compared to your chest and…” Mad’s eyes went to Mare’s chest and down to his stomach, hands moving to feel the parts he looked at. “I wish I was this confident while awake. My brain always gets in the way.” 

“While awake?” Mare was paralyzed as he stared down at Mad’s hands. 

“Yeah. Conscious me gets too scared and worried and flustered about anything that involves you. My face should be permanently red with how much I blush at seeing just the smallest bit of your skin. Even now, I’m…I’m still blushing at this.” Mad chuckled at himself, and his cheeks were indeed pink with a flush. “You’re just so…good with everything. I like talking with you and hanging out with you…I just like you in general, and I could never say any of this to the real you.” 

“Let’s…let’s get you to bed.” Mare swallowed before scooping Mad out of his chair. 

“Okay.” Mad leaned against Mare. Mare could tell he was definitely out of it since Mad would always complain about being carried or told to go to bed. 

After putting Mad in his bed, tucking him in, and turning out the light, Mare went to the kitchen where Phantom was munching on a late-night snack. 

“You look like you saw a ghost,” Phantom commented when his twin seemed to be in a daze. 

“Mad thought he was dreaming. And he confessed that he likes me.” Mare said. 

“Fucking, finally!” Phantom nearly shouted. “It was getting so annoying watching you two pin over each other so much.” 

“We weren’t-we aren’t-” Mare stammered out a weak protest. 

“Oh, please! Go fuck your nerd and save me from the agony that is experiencing you two staring at each other’s asses while doing nothing about it.” Phantom went back to his snack. 

“I’m not going to fuck him.” Mare said. 

“He is a little out of it right now, fuck him in the morning after he’s slept. A good railing is a great way to start the day.” Phantom did a little shimmy. 

“Could you not-” 

“Tell me I’m wrong, and you don’t want to fuck that man brainless. I dare you to lie to me.” Phantom laughed when Mare just groaned and walked away from him. “You know I’m not wrong!”  

“Fuck off!” Mare called.

“Save that for Mad!” Phantom called back, and his laugh got louder when Mare only cursed at him more before they got cut off by the sound of a door closing. 

[luckyshotwrites]

Ch. 33 // We’re Both Idiots! // Day 22

Contents (Warnings): soft teasing, character shenanigans, a little tiny sprinkle of angst, more character information, and further monster/magic explanations. (THIS IS GOING TO HAVE SIX PARTS, JEEZ).

Wordcount: 3425

-------------------------------------------------------------------

(Oct. 7th Friday)

He’s less threatening at this height. I thought walking beside Alexander sheepishly. I could feel the waves of his agitation lashing about. He doesn’t even look that hurt. Maybe Lev didn’t hit him as hard as I thought. 

He inhaled then side-eyed me. “Do humans normally stare this much?”

I wish I was blind. “You stare at me all the time and I never make comments on it.” I muttered.

He huffed. “I don’t.”

“You do.”

He flicked his head to fully look at me, “if you’re giving me permission to do more than stare-”

I stopped him, shaking my head profusely to shake all the terrible thoughts from my ears. “I was looking at you because I thought you might be really hurt because from where we were it looked like Lev hit you really hard.”

Alexander scowled.

NOW HE’S MAD BECAUSE HE THINKS I WAS CALLING HIM WEAK?! I shouted in my head. Not that I should have been surprised, communication with him was almost impossible. 

Lev chimed in, looking back and away from his phone, “he’s a wendigo, they can take it.” 

“Yeah,” Alexander muttered, rubbing his jaw. “My jaws still a little sore, fucker.”

Are games like that common? I asked myself.

We walked by several others, some of them looked harmless, fishing, dancing, and a weird game that looked like twister, except a team of two was going up a tube with backs to one another and coordinating the colors trying to beat another team doing the same in another tube. That looks like rock climbing while having a back buddy. I bet Wicks and I could rock it. I said in my head with a smile.

My vision floated to some of the people wearing onyx colored chains, or those carrying small idols that looked like cute cubi characters.

They apparently came with mini comics that I wanted to grab, but I refrained. Charletta would love that too. I couldn't risk bringing them something magic though, plus I feared Wicks might try to look up whatever I got him. He’s already suspicious. I usually tell him everything. I exhaled, and now I've kept him in the dark. I hope I'm not hurting him.

“Lynette?”

I snapped out of it, seeing Drake aiming at my pocket as my phone rang for Wicks. It was the empty knight home screen song since that was the only game he played and liked.

I frantically got it from my pocket. Speak of the devil.

I let the others walk further ahead. Alexander kept a steady eye on me regardless. 

“H-hey!” I answered.

“The hotel room you sent me looks nice and huge.” Wicks said. 

I had to stand up on a chair when I took a picture of our room, and left Alexander’s side out of my pictures. His bed was far too big. 

“It is nice,” I said. I tried to push off the subject. “And-uh-how are things going for you? Have you been keeping busy?”

Wicks grumbled, “yeah. A lot of my other coworkers are at a larger job right now so I’m picking up some of their slack with these smaller ones.” He then popped with worry, “I’m sorry if you were working, Lentils!”

“No, no, I’m not too busy.” 

“Great…” Wicks trailed off again.

“What’s been on your mind, you've been acting really funny with me.”

My anxious heart tugged as his end was quiet for a good minute or two. His voice rose from the silence.

“Charletta’s getting married in a month, can you believe that?”

He said, I smiled out of nervousness, “I know, it’s surreal isn’t it?” I chuckled with a light release, “I was thinking about you both today when my coworkers bullied me upon seeing my sick fashion sense.”

Wick’s cheerful voice entered, “OH SHOOT! LENTILS!” He sounded like he strangled the receiver as his volume went back and forth for a minute. “I sh-OU-ld HA-ve PA-ck-ED foR You!!”

A pure laugh sprang out, “I look good.”

“Send your outfit in the family group chat then, see what mom and Charletta say!”

I pinched at the front of my shirt, “no, no, that’s fine.”

“THEN YOU KNOW!”

“I KNOW YOU GUYS HAVE NO STYLE!”

Wicks hollered, “I’ll put them both in this call right now.”

“NO! I’ll-I’ll hang up!”

“On me?” He made a fake crying noise. 

“You’re a punk!! Stop!” 

He continued to snicker, giving a sigh that clearly held his beam. “Let's watch some stupid movies on Saturday night, and into Sunday morning, sound cool?” 

“YES please!” I demanded it. “I’m gonna need it after this festival.”

“Is it that bad?”

“No, it’s just-” I exhaled, “a lot of people.” 

I heard a bang on his end. "Are you okay?"

Wick’s voice sputtered out, more panicked. “Well, have fun with it, Lentils, and keep sending me pictures!” He sounded like he was moving. “I love you too, Lentils!” 

“I love-" he hung up before I finished. I tried to call him back but it went to voicemail. Was he in trouble?

My phone pinged with a text.

Wicks: Sorry, boss walked in. Talk later, love you, be safe, and if there is an emergency, call my number. ❤️❤️❤️ 5:45p.m.

My shoulders dropped. I put my phone away after sending him a message back. I looked up seeing them all walking ahead of me. They were broken up into groups, most of the night crew were in the back while the morning crew were up toward the front.

Now time to get back to these weirdo's. I joked in my head, making my way back to Alexander, Drake, and now Lev.

…

Drake *While Lynnette was on the call.*

“She’s such a pain in the ass.” Alexander grumbled.

Drake chortled, “what’s the complaint this time?”

Air left his lungs in a puff, Alexander waved his hand around, “you’re not the one around her constantly.”

It’s a good thing I’m not.

“It is your job, you brought her here.”

Alexander pinched the bridge of his nose, “yeah yeah.” He brought out his slightly annoyed grin, “what would you do in my position then?”

“Eat her,” Lev said, slowing down to walk with them. “Which, I’ve been meaning to ask, Alexander. You’ve never brought a human to the pizzeria before…” He stuck his tongue out, “so why did you decide to invite Lynette? Couldn’t you have just eaten her in the store and been done with it?”

He lifted up his hand and pointed at Lev, “well-” He brought his hand back up to his head. He almost forgot. I can't believe I never asked him that. Drake thought.

“The party." He adjusted his glasses, "I didn’t want to eat before it. Especially when I just got Sasha, and I still had so much to set up.” He ran his hands under his eyes, “but you're right, I should have just-”

“What did I miss?” Lynette’s voice popped by Drake. 

He listened to her fluttery beats. 

Drake kept his sight off her, staring at the small stores they passed instead, “another conversation you’d dislike.”

Alexander groaned audibly and Lev laughed at him. He could hear the soft jests of Lev at Alexander. 

“Ah,” defeat deflated her tone. 

Then he felt her eyes cast over him. “And are you okay? You’ve been quiet lately.” She continued, “I mean, I’ve never really seen you all interact outside of work, but you’re usually a lot more talkative”

Stay calm. He reminded himself. Her body leaned near him, innocently. “I’m fine, really…” His lips quivered and he turned to her but before he could do anything, Alexander grabbed her arm. Did I reveal too much? He asked himself, seeing Alexander’s slight gaze before he turned back to Lynette. He threw his hood over his head and pulled at the strings until he only had a small hole to look through.

…

Lynette

“HEY, shortie.” Alexander walked backward tugging her along, “who’s turn is it going to be after this festival, mine right?”

I disagreed. “It’s my turn, you went Sunday, Lev went Monday, and Dra-Claudia went Thursday.”

Lev and Alexander looked disappointed.

I have to look at my list later, I haven’t even thought of a game. Besides the one with Claudia right now. I internally rolled my eyes. 

He let me go when he hit his back against Viola. 

“Hi, Alexander.”

“Hey,” He gave a nod of acknowledgement, “sorry.”

She stopped along with the others, because we were standing outside the food tent.

Now that we were standing next to it, I noticed the strong, crisp, delicious pizza smell. My stomach grumbled very softly. I had what, a bagel for breakfast and a coffee? I asked myself. Great, here comes the pizza mood.

Everyone looked to be working in their human form, then again so did a lot of individuals in the food zone from what I saw. Or maybe other humans work with monsters like me? Though, none of them really had the black sweatband on their arm like me.

Others in that "terror" tent did. I said to myself. I still can’t believe some people offer themselves up to be eaten. I kept my eyes from going to Alexander.

It’s not my fault I judge their grotty diet harshly. My mind went over the logistics again. I still don’t understand how they can sustain themselves off other people's energy? There like leeches without the blood…I smiled thinking of going to one of the open umbrella tables to sit.

If they took blood like him it wouldn’t be that bad, right? Actually, I don't think all vampires would take the blood out of someone and put it in a blood bag. I held my head, why am I having these thoughts now. I wouldn’t be under heavy fire today, and I did feel a lot more at ease with a lot of space between the others and me. At the pizzeria if I was cashiering I would be trapped in a corner, or in the break room. Most monsters at the event looked at me funny, and that's pretty much it. 

A floating pizza grabbed my eye. SO wait, do they use magic on them? I had never witnessed the whole project. And I swore the day before I was hired I saw one floating too. Then again there were a lot of times in my life where I swore something off. Then I freaked out. That means when I was little and told the Paytons I saw a monster, I WAS RIGHT!

I muffled a shout with my hands. They called me crazy!

I was about to text Wicks then stopped, holding my phone out. Lynette, you can't do that, he can't know about monsters. I grumbled seeing the time, is it really almost six o’clock? I looked back up at the others in the tent, squinting, and once Claudia moved toward the side of the counter I was, our bet entered my head again.

“I need to get the last few forms off my list.”

Claudia turned to me curiously, “hmm?”

“The monster-”

“OHHH! I was kidding earlier,” she chuckled and continued before I could stop her, “but since we’re taking it seriously, you gotta tell me exactly what they are too, you can’t name off something similar.”

“No way, you looked serious earlier, Claudia!” I exclaimed. “If it was a joke, tell me after you had your fun!”

Alexander’s growl butt in, “what are you two talking about?”

Claudia smiled, “Lynette wanted to engage in a bet with me-”

“You didn't give me a choice!” I stammered.

“Clearly you wanted to play because you reminded me of it again.” She tapped her own head, “I would have forgotten if you didn’t remind me.”

I screamed more into my hands to catch my own idiocy.  

“Why,” Alexander exhaled, “WHY do you keep putting yourself in stupid situations.”

“BECAUSE I AM A BIG DUMMY!” I pointed to myself then at him, “BUT I BARELY UNDERSTAND HOW ALL OF THIS WORKS, LET ALONE WHEN ANY OF YOU ARE KIDDING, SERIOUS, OR-” I threw my hands up, “URGH, you know what, Xander, you’re not one to talk.” I was so engrossed in the embarrassment that I snapped back, “you always act so bothered by me but you put me here, so you’re just as d-dumb, we're both idiots!” I stumbled over the last sentence in a poor attempt to defend myself.

And once I had a second more to mull over what I said, my relieved grin fell and I cowered back seeing his approach. “I’m sor-gahh” 

I was yanked and held close to their chest. I glanced up, relieved it was Viola.

She faced Drake, still holding me with an arm over my neck, lightly. 

“Is this what you have to deal with everyday?”

Drake gave a sigh. 

Alexander gestured to me, “SHE STARTS IT, I’M JUSTIFIED.”

“I DO NOT, XANDER!”

He pointed at Viola. “Let her go.”

“No, Mr. Problem child,” Viola directed me with her. “I’m not going to see you get in trouble for breaking the rules.”

“I-” He stopped his argument and met Viola’s eyes. He took a big inhale then exhaled with defeat, “are you just going to ignore what she said to me?”

“Of course not,” Viola said, “but unlike you, she was ready to apologize.”

Alexander rolled his eyes, “yeah, because she knew I’d get her back.”

“Good point,” Viola said. “I guess I have to figure out a way to punish you too.”

I flinched in her grasp. Alexander dropped it at least. What is she going to do? She doesn't eat girls right...right?! No, she can't eat me anyway. Then what is she going to do?

She let me go and I turned to face her. Why do they always look so much bigger when they threaten me? I looked over her form and she twirled me around. Then she pulled my arms back, "hold this position."

"For-for how long?" I muttered.

"Give me a moment." Viola tweeted, her voice sounds so sweet yet when I look at her, she looks like she'd snap me like a twig. Unlike the others, they looked and sounded scary. Well, except Claudia, she seems so harmless. And Drake doesn't threaten me. I sighed, so it's the big thr- "O-o-ow!" I exclaimed as she was putting something up my arms.

"Sorry, your arms were in the wrong position." She said, moving them before putting something on my shoulders.

When she let go I fell back into her, losing my balance entirely. "What-ah-is this your bag?!"

“Yep, and you're going to have to carry it until we get back to the hotel."

I squeaked out, fighting to stay upright. "What's in here!"

“A few of my gifts to my partner, Elise, my friend Henry, my younger brother, five other sisters, your gifts for your family, your clothes, spare clothes for anyone who needs them, a few treats, and...no I think I took out the dumbbells.”

“All that in here?”

“It has a slight seal on it, I’m not that great at encryption magic, so you can still feel a lot of the weight.” She then flexed, “look at it this way it’ll help build your muscles.”

I don’t think even if I could bulk up that I'd be able to lift people around as easy as any of you do. I thought in my head. I struggled to maintain balance once she helped me plant my feet. “You're not being serious about carrying it the whole time are you?”

“I am,” Viola gave a hefty pat to the backpack, almost making me fall again. “Now don't drop it.”

…

“Hey, hey,” The grayish haired male said, tapping at the top of my head as if it were bongos. I was too comfortable and tired from holding up the backpack for twenty minutes to stop him. I was sweating, so I rested under one of the umbrella tables. “Your head plays a very nice tune.”

“Thanks…” I said.

He sat next to me on my left, while on my right was Zilla, avoiding him. Her eyes are definitely sharper than his, he looks like he's just here for a good time. 

None of the few sitting at the table with me were in their monster forms. Tila was kicking her feet back and forth, while June was eating some pizza of his own. He pressed it into his body at his neck and it slid inside him.

That’s so weird. I said in my head as Claudia slapped a plate down in front of me. She ate a slice too.

“You eat normal food?” I asked.

I never saw anyone on the night crew eat lunch, besides Drake with his blood packs.  

She happily munched and hummed, “I eat all kinds of foods.”

Good to know. I looked down at the two triple meat pizza slices. I’ve never even eaten our pizza before, have I? I always wanted to bring some home, but given the time I got out and sometimes how I had to leave, I didn't have the chance.

I lifted up the slice, went to take a bite, and felt Zane lean closer to me. “Hey, do you mind if I have the first bite?”

I looked at my slice then gestured to my plate, “you can have the other-”

I jumped with a yelp, seeing Tila underneath the table eating the slice in front of my legs. “When did you get there…” I trailed off, thinking it wasn’t worth it. I got ready to rip my slice. “We can split it in-”

He took a bite before I could finish, “mhm, this is pretty good, thanks.” 

Zilla squinted at him and pulled my arm to her, “it’s not that good.” She took a bite of it too, and grumbled. “It is really good.”

“Right!” He tugged my arm to him and I squeaked out.

“Please-” I whimpered. “I only ate a bagel today.”

Zane stood up, “what?! How could you go a whole day eating just that?!” He snatched the rest of the slice from my hand and stuffed it in his mouth. “Lefs geff yoo amopher von.” (Let’s get you another one).

I held the straps of the backpack, hoisting myself up with a grumble. Ate my pizza right in front of me. I went up to the tent with him, stumbling about, and we begged for another pizza. The only ones left cooking were Sandra and Edgar. I didn’t see Tristan around. And Edgar looked more than happy to make us another.

Zane leaned back on the counter with the coverage of the tent, he was looking over at Zilla, waving. She turned around quickly and he sighed, smiling. 

I worked up the courage to speak, “are you guys…both the same monster wise too?”

I felt a sudden shiver, almost like I asked the wrong question. But, his smile looked enduring. “You’ve seen Zilla in action? Cool! Yeah! We're the same in our monster forms too.”

“I, uh-are you a certain type? I saw another naga earlier fighting Alexander and they didn’t have the-” I did a hand mouth gesture. "at their tail."

Zane chuckled, “oh no, we’re hybrids, mixed with a mimic.” He then tapped on my head again, “how about you answer one of my questions too.”

“Yeah?” I leaned my body down to allow the backpack to rest on the counter.

“Why did you end up staying here?” 

I stiffened up, “oh-uh- the money. It’s way too much for me to give up without trying.”

Zane smiled and fully faced me. I didn’t know if it was because he was taller than me, or because I knew what he was, but there was a very subtle fear worming its way through my body.

“I love the dedication.” He pushed at me lightly, I almost fell over given the backpack and had to catch myself. 

I smiled. His violet eyes had a different look too, it definitely wasn't that hunger I saw in their eyes. An indescribable thickness.

"Here's your pizza you two!" Edgar said. "I made it extra, extra large so you could share it around!"

Zane chuckled and took the giant box, "you're not going to be hungry anymore, huh, Lynette?"

I nodded along, "I bet I can finish it all." I tried to lighten myself up. He's probably as conniving as his sister, that's all.

…

Thank you for reading! :D Have a gouda day! (Nonnegotiable, if you're lactose intolerant, you're about to be in a lot of pain, sorry, not sorry. Lol).

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What I’d do for a Livable Income (Synopsis/Chapter - List)

[lieutenant-amuel]

Since I know you’re finishing soon, just like with the end CXGF, you finished! Now what was your fav? Like fav episode or moment or character, or just not even your favorite. Just what are your thoughts on this epic epic show?

Thank you for the ask! And for encouraging me to finally watch this masterpiece <3

To be honest, it’s always difficult for me to explain why I like certain things, because in most cases I simply don’t have any reasons, I just like it subconsciously x) Anyway, I’ll try to share my general thoughts, plus a few of my favourite things, divided into categories (like a character, episode, season, etc) so as to keep it structured.

Here we go!

General thoughts: this is a fantastic show. I can clearly see why people praise it so much and note that many other TV shows should look up at it, especially in terms of storytelling, character development, and world building (I even saw how fandom creators take this show as an example when it comes to creating something themselves, so I, as a creative soul~, can say that I also took something from it).

I read a few reviews on this show and I noticed that many people pointed out that this show didn’t hook them then since the very beginning because it was a bit childish but assured that it did get better eventually. As for me, it really hooked me since the first episode, because it already seemed super dynamic and as I kept watching it, I was truly amazed by the variety of the adventures the main characters had and how many subjects this show brought up. One of the reasons I love animation is that it can balance out serious mature topics with childish lightness so as to keep it enjoyable for everyone and I think ATLA does it perfectly.

I think it really all I can say. This is a very well-written show, and I love how consistent it is in terms of storytelling. It rarely has pointless episodes and makes a fantastic job on its characters, all of whom have clear personalities and dynamic stories (arcs) on their own. It talks about mature important subjects, and I’m just weak for the pieces of media that create their own universes because I love digging into the lore (and it’s really possible to talk ATLA lore for hours).

Favourite character: as I already mentioned, Sokka! He’s amazing.

I don’t want to talk too much about him because I might get repetitive but to put it simply, I love how multilayered Sokka actually is. He’s a fun guy with a boomerang on the surface but if you look inside, you can see how smart, brave, protective, and caring he is. He’s a leader, a strategist, a warrior, and I suppose I simply have a thing for the characters like him x) (and you can’t imagine how much I feel him in those scenes when he rushes his friends to be focused on the mission, especially when Katara gets distracted by helping some random villagers and he says something like, “Katara! We have more important things to do!” and I just shout at the screen, “YES”).

My second fave is Iroh! He caught my eye since the episode one, because, I don’t know, he just seemed genuinely funny and enjoyable to me x) But as I kept watching the show, I started noticing how wise, caring, loving, and kind he is, and my love to him reached the top somewhere in season 2 when he and Zuko got much more sweet uncle/nephew moments. And can I just say that his reunion with Zuko legit made me shed a tear 😭

And my third fave, to make it Top-3, is Zuko! I think I was quite indifferent to him in season 1 but started seeing much more in him in season 2 when he was trying to find his true path and was rushing between searching for Aang and having a peaceful life. And I absolutely love him in season 3. The way he rehearsed his meeting with Aang (“Hi. My name is Zuko”) was adorable :’D

Favourite season: I don’t think I can explain why but for some reason season 2 was the most memorable to me. It has so many cool things, from the introduction of the new characters to absolutely fantastic Zuko’s arc. And for absolutely no reason I really can recall many episodes and their titles from this one without looking up, even though it’s been quite a while since I finished season 2 (and by saying it, I don’t mean season 1 and 3 weren’t memorable and I don’t like them; just season 2 brought me more emotions, I suppose).

Favourite episodes: I’ll list a few ones from each season because for now I’m not sure which episode is my ultimate fave.

Season 1 - The Storm, The Blue Spirit, The Great Divide.

Season 2 - Zuko Alone, The Swamp (I LOVE this one a lot!!), The Chase, The Crossroads of Destiny.

Season 3 - Sokka’s Master, The Puppetmaster, The Day of Black Sun (two parts), The Firebending Masters, The Boiling Rock.

Favourite ship: I… don’t have one? Even if we take canon ones into account, I don’t really feel anything towards them. Sokka/Yue certainly have a beautiful and tragic story, but I don’t think about them that often. Sokka/Suki are nice, too, but that’s all I can say. Zuko/Mai… I’m not sure how they even became a couple. Aang/Katara don’t really bring anything to me either.

I’m pretty sure that Zuko/Sokka is quite popular in the fandom but I just don’t see it, I’m sorry.

So yeah, I don’t have a fave ship, but if anyone has opinions to share with me, I’d love to hear them. I’m quite open-minded at this point.

Favourite moments: akjajdkf I don’t think I can recall many. I really need to watch this show at least one more time for that. Anyway, the ones that come to my mind are (random order):

Iroh and Zuko’s reunion, as I already mentioned. This scene made me cry. CRY. ME. I rarely cry while watching/reading anything, so it really speaks a lot (it reminds me that Esteban’s sacrifice in Coronation Day made me cry, too. I literally had to pause before continuing to watch because I couldn’t stop sobbing ajhsjdkf).

Sokka’s battle with Piandao in “Sokka’s Master”.

Literally all flashbacks scenes in “Zuko Alone.”

Ice dodging in “Bato of the Water Tribe.”

Hama's story and bloodbending in “The Puppetmaster” (that’s so creepy and fantastic).

Zuko and Aang perform the firebending technique to the dragons in “The Firebending Masters.”

Aaaand this is really all I can recall for now x) Those are not necessarily my most favourite moments, just the ones that were off the top of my head at the moment.

Well, I think that’s it! To conclude, I just want to say I really loved this show (and now I don’t feel awkward for never watching it anymore XD), these characters, this world, and basically everything. It was a super enjoyable watch and I’d love to rewatch it someday! (maybe even showing to my sister to watch it together)

Thank you for the ask again and sorry that it took me quite long to get to it!

[theawesomeally]

Farewell, and Goodbye Part 3

A few of the audience settled back, thinking that the show might be starting again, but most of them knew better.

There was an electricity in the air, as if the entire building had been put through a giant electromagnet. The curtains crackled with it, and a pattern of soft, vague, blue static discharges crawled over the screen, flowing, concentrating

DAMON: It's suicide, Stefan. And if you screw this up we don't know what he'll do to Elena.

STEFAN: I'm sorry, Damon. I have to do this.

Billy: "You people, are insane."

CADE: Heroic effort but it seems your bell stopped ringing. [Knocks Stefan flying] I miss this kind of violence. It's personal. Do it. Now you know what I always have: the human mind is weak and its flesh is even weaker. [Holds his dagger at Stefan's neck.]

DAMON: We had a deal, Cade.

CADE: Our deal was that you would bring me the dagger in exchange for Elena.

DAMON: So what, you got what you wanted. Now it's time to pony up.

CADE: Fine. I will give you one soul. [Sets Elena's coffin on fire.]

He heard Damons’ voice shout just before darkness overwhelmed him, “No!” and his entire being yearned for his younger brother.

Cade stiffened ever so slightly as he leaned forward. “Enough witless banter.” He held out a hand. “Boys, give it to me.” he paused, waiting for their reaction, but when he gave none, he continued. "Billy.” Cade stared across at the child. Wearing an expression that showed great sympathy, but one that Billy certainly did not trust, the regal man loomed at him. “I’ve been waiting for this day for a long time.”

Slowly, Billy reached for the pistol he kept in the back of his pocket and turned toward the sound but suddenly felt his gun against his temple. "Where is my mother?!" Billy stood and asked him furiously through his gritted teeth. He was so angry at him now that he was in front of him. He didn’t reply, his head still lowered. Cade appeared out of the darkness, Cade dragged Stefan's neck to expose his face to their view. Billy stiffened and shot him a glance, but Billy’s attention was fixed on an older man, seemingly the leader of the group.

“And so was I,” Cade looked at him not realizing he had said it out loud. Suddenly felt something sharp pricking into the back of his shoulder and knew that he was in trouble.

A hand lifted his gun from his holster and Joe, looking across the hallway at Stea’s white face, heard the sudden silence in the saloon behind him.

“…..can't give her to you. ” The pressure on the knife blade relented and Billy sighed slightly in relief, while tensing his muscles to make a break for it. Suddenly, the knife appeared against his throat and Stefan rose. Very slowly, Stefan turned his head to see who was holding the knife. The man standing behind him gave Stefan a wolfish smile. He was so similar in looks to the stranger now standing across from Billy.

 “Though, these are the stakes, boy,” Cade announced, dragging Billy’s attention back to him. “We’ll play cards and if you can make Damon kill anyone, I’ll let your friends go. If you make Damon kill again, I’ll let your mother go. But if you lose…” Sensing what Cade meant to do, Billy made a move to protect Stefan, but he was too late. He grinned unpleasantly pushed past Stefan to grab Stefan by the hair. Cade put a dagger to Stefan's chin. “He’ll die.”

Billy wondered how a harmless game of fun with Cade could have gone so wrong. Yet suddenly, a careless, throwaway remark, made in jest, had his life, and the lives of two other people, hanging in the balance. Swallowing, he forced himself to meet the man’s eyes with confidence. 

“Those two were a fool, that’s all,” Billy answered, hoping that would be the end of the conversation. He had used a voice meant to warn off any further inquiry but he should have known this would only serve to ignite the inquisitive side of his nature.

Billy was not about to give up. His bright eyes began to sparkle with the challenge. He’d get the truth out of Cade if he had to pester him to death, just like he did when he was a kid.

“Let’s just get this done,” Billy says, his voice a little pleading. “Then, I’m not giving you anything until you put him down.” he invest as much stubborn determination into his voice as he possibly can. Even if he is actually terrified.

As he extended an arm toward the dagger lying in Cade's grip. It twitched and then began to vibrate while stretching out his hand farther, straining, Cade beckoned powerfully—and the dagger rose, to come bulleting toward his outstretched fingers.

And past them.

  Taken aback, he whirled—to see the weapon land in the hand of Billy standing in front of him. Billy appeared equally shocked that he reach for the weapon had exceeded his. He gazed down at the weapon now resting in his grip.

Cade takes a step toward him. Billy take an involuntary step back. “I think there may have been a little bit of misunderstanding, kid your mother isn’t here.”

  His smile is wide and terrible.

It is a trap. The realization doesn’t even surprise me. He never should have trusted him. He should be worried about himself, stuck in this nest of vipers, but all he can think about is Rocky.

Suppressed the pang of grief he still felt when he thought of his mother, killed by Cade.  “Then, Where is she?” There’s a tremble in my voice. He only wished he held that truth as solidly as he had just proclaimed.

  “I sent some of my boys to pick her up.” Cade’s voice is full of consolation that I don’t buy for a second. “She got a little excited and things escalated. Sorry, kid. I guess you’re on your own.”

[fair-dinkum-mechanic]

It’s how it should be. Yeah, I’m scared. Actually, I’m petrified. Is this really what I want? Fuck, who am I kidding? Of course this is what I want. It’s what I need. Something about it is beautiful, actually. There’s so much love around me, and I feel like every bit of love I’ve felt in my life is wrapped around me like a heavy, gasping blanket. My mum is here, my sister, my best friends, and my loves. In one arm, I cling to my childhood mickey toy, like I have since I was one year old. He’s been my companion through countless terrified nights, lonely nights, icy cold and unforgiving, but he’s been there. Through it all. And he’s still with me. He’s made it this far. My cat nestles her head into my side, her impeccably soft white arms wrapped around mine. Her purring is gently rocking me into a sense of security that only she has been able to provide in the decade I’ve known her. We recall memories. Holidays when I was young. Singapore, Japan, Disneyland, tropical islands. My parents showed me the world and I’m so grateful that I had the opportunity. My friends, melancholy but understanding, chuckle with me about the intense PE teachers in high school, or the biology teacher who had a sack of confiscated jewellery in her office. We remember times when we were so young, and unaware. They’re good memories, but they seem to be not only from a different time, but a different planet. So far across the cosmos that its existence is only a blur of colour. We grew, some left, and some stayed. We’d drink, and laugh so hard while we were drunk, watching tv, getting burgers late at night, playing online games together. I thought those times would last forever. I remember feeling reciprocal love for the first time. Clumsy and stupid, and far too fast. But oh it felt so light, like I was soaring through the air, the butterflies in my stomach lifting me into the clouds. Every day he’d speak to me. Every day we promised each other world. We were so young, how could I have known what would happen? The pain pricks each link of my spine with a jolt of electricity. Shouting, silence, accusations, smashed plates, and fights rattle the gentle bubble I’m in. Naked men press upon my form, they thrust into me, I thrust into them. I don’t know their faces. I don’t know my face. They like my naked body from the waist down. They want to feel what it does. I let them, after all it is all I’m good for. That’s the only reason someone could want me, right? My favourite movies play on a reel in my mind as the sweat and heavy breathing numbs. Stitch stumbles over his adorable voice. This is my family. It’s small and broken, but still good. Yeah, still good. Rapunzel locks eyes with Flynn, Geppetto holds Figaro close in his wooden cottage as they settle in for the night. The man on top of me pushes harder. He wants my attention. He wants me to pleasure him. So I do. Of course I do. What’s his name? I don’t know. But they like my dick. They really like my dick. I post it anywhere I can. Maybe, just maybe if I grab attention that way I’ll be noticed. I’ll be worthy. I’ll know that I didn’t deserve what happened. Eventually I do meet that reprieve, and I chase it to the ends of the earth. My breath is desperate, my bones are weak. It’s like a thread pulling me along. A carrot on a stick, tantalisingly close but out of reach. I’ll show them. I’ll reach that carrot I’ll push harder than anybody. If I want the reward I have to push so far out of my comfort zone that the borders are completely shattered. It doesn’t matter. I can leave my comfort zone, but the pain follows quickly behind. You can’t run. And you can push, and push, and push but eventually not even the warmest embrace can light the dark. The dark is strong. It grows slowly, for years and years. Until it becomes unbearable, until it suffocates your every breath.

Empty faces one after the other scroll past my screen. Empty faces, one after the other approach my desk and ask for letters, for money, for service. Empty faces pass me under the colourful lights, pressing their lips on each other, their sweaty bodies bouncing to the music. It’s when I realise something. They’re not empty. I am. The only empty face is mine. The pursuit of warmth sunk me further and further into the deep. Like I was trying to struggle from quicksand, but instead of staying still I flail, and it swallows me up. Until there’s no escape.

So I hold the soft blankets around my body. I remember the raspberry vodka shots while watching American Horror Story Freakshow. I remember being so small and my mum stroking my hair in our old longue room. I remember my jaw dropping as I walked through the historical sights of London. I remember calling a baby Pippa through the gates of a highschool late at night, thinking that I’d never see her again. I remember cute gentle messages back and forth. I remember games of Overwatch, and laughing so hard until I cried.

I did experience so much. I did have love. But I must escape. Something in me makes my muscles tense and my heart sink to my feet. The feeling grips so hard and tells me that something is deeply wrong and that pain, more horrible than any physical pain could be, is coming for me. Those men don’t just push upon me. The claws of death reach down from their skies and take without mercy. I remember standing over my dad’s lifeless body, his skin yellow and waxy, his eyes flat, expecting a breath that never came. That pain will come again. It is horrifying. I am scared. It’s why I’m here.

I’m so thankful that my friends, my loved ones, everyone is here with me, and that the pillow that rests my head is soft. One last gentle moment. It’s funny, it feels almost joyous. I’m so happy, and so at peace that I can feel this as I leave the pain behind. As I no longer need to wake with a jolt of sickly fear, or emptiness. Just love. Just gentleness. One little pinch of a needle, like Aurora, and I drift away. I’m thankful. I love you. I love my memories.

Thank you so much.

[sunny-d-anomaly]

It’s my turn, I guess. I’m Sunny D. Anomaly, formerly known as Ocularfracture. Clem & I used to be LJ buddies back in the days when I used to write whiny blogs about how “bad” my life was when I was too young & dumb to realize how good I had it. I didn’t know at the time that Cloves was not real. It doesn’t bother me, though, because there was a human behind it. This human is a great writer and a super groovy person for actually coming forward. It’s brave.

Me, I’m not so brave. I had wanted to stay out of this and be anonymous because I am a coward and really hate the dipshit I was when I was in my early 20��s. (I’m 36 now. Been through a lot of terrible shit that changed me, and I wanted to push the idiot I once was as far away from who I am now as possible, which is why I stopped going by Ocularfracture and faded into obscurity.)

I never expected a dumb and shameless thing I did as a dumbass kid to have the consequences it has, and I’m just as much to blame as Clem, if not more so. Clem, I know how you feel about blowing your shot (however microscopic it could’ve been) with an artist you admired because of something you did that could’ve prevented all this.

I’ve been so ashamed of how foolish and shameless I was to the point that I couldn’t bring myself to admit it, but it must be done. And I know I’m gonna get a metric fuck ton of backlash from this which is gonna cause me to spiral too, but it’s what’s right. I haven’t gotten this far in my life and made so much progress on myself to keep awful secrets when knowing about them could help someone.

So. Ready for awkward story time?

Pry gonna kms after sharing this because it’s so stupid and embarrassing and shameful, but here goes.

Probably a bit before Clem invented her blog and followed me, I was in my friends list, looking for someone or something. And it caught my eye that JV’s screen name had a slash through it. I was curious, so I clicked on it, and it said the blog had been removed and the name was available. All I had to do was pay a one-time fee to change it, and it was mine. Before that, I was Harukura.

I thought it would be cool to have the username of my favorite artist and didn’t see the harm that could come from it since all my posts were private.

But then one dipshitted day I was feeling like shit about my art (which I deserved since it was sooo bad back then) I had a moment of weakness and shouted myself out as a shameless plug. Don’t get me wrong, I regretted it and took the post down. But somehow, someone dug it back up, and I now have to answer for it.

If you don’t believe it was me, read the tagline of that journal when it had the rainbow rocket. They’re translated lyrics from a Japanese song called “Rocket” by a band named Plastic Tree. Look it up. And maybe look at the friends list and see how many of them are friends of sunny_skye, which I changed my username to after realizing what a shitty idea it was, and trying to separate myself from it.

I am not proud of any of this in fact, I feel lower than scum. Please never look at my art anymore. I feel like this is the best way to get what I deserve for shamelessly plugging myself. I won’t even argue about the hard life of a starving artist and how hard it is to gain exposure because if my art had actually deserved the exposure, it would have gotten it.

In fact, I’ll just quit making art. Y’all can yell at me and call me as many names as you feel are necessary. It was a shitty thing to do and I am deeply ashamed of myself, no matter how long ago it was, how unmedicated I was, how young & dumb I was…

I’m not the same person anymore. But I’ll serve my time for my pointless crime. And maybe I’ll game over as well because I don’t deserve less.

I’m sorry, Clem. I’m sorry, Jhonen. I’m sorry everyone. Youth is wasted on the young, it’s true.

The seemingly most emo thing I feel I could be doing during all this chaos is starting another blog by the same name. However, a lot needs to be said and Twitter/X is just not a good platform for long, honest posts about how I fucked up.

Indeed, it truly isn’t my fault that there are people in this world who would rather believe their own misinformation and cleave to it as gospel, than admit they were wrong. It’s clearly delusions of grandeur going on in all this, particularly by one X user who goes by “legoldenflakestrudel,” who, rather than believe every ounce of proof I’ve struggled to procure for her, chooses to call me everything from AI to “barely literate” (in spite of my writing which she also keeps complimenting because she refuses to believe it was written by me).

According to her, I couldn’t be the same person because I don’t tweet the way I write, especially in 150 characters, and because I don’t look like the fictional character I was writing about. Of course I don’t. She was a figment of my imagination. I created her. And most authors don’t write characters who are cookie cutter carbon copies of themselves, unless it’s autobiographical.

Clover was fiction. Not autobiography. I don’t understand why this is so hard to accept, save for the fact that this particular user seems determined to condemn an innocent man who has brought nothing but joy and inspiration to so many. Even noted artist Sunny D. Anomaly (formerly Ocularfracture) cites him as the reason she became a comic book artist.

For those reading this and not in the know, I will explain this from the beginning. Oddly, it all started 12 years ago, and little did I know what sort of a mess it would cause. God, this sounds like the beginning of some cheesy paperback novel. I swear to you, it’s all true, or my name isn’t Clementine Yorke. Yeah. That’s my real name. Did you honestly think someone named Clover E. Fields was a real person?

But back to it, for the truly confused.

Twelve years ago, all the way back in 2012, I was a lonely college dropout but I still wanted to pursue a career in literature. Things in my life weren’t the best, and I wanted an escape from myself. I wanted to feel like I was in college again, I wanted the drama, the gossip, the sex… the… the friends… :\

So I invented a character. Several characters down the line, even, but Cloveryfields was the first one I made, and whose skin I really crawled into to flesh her out as a person.

It started with just a paper journal; a little spiral tie-dye thing with purple pages marked with peace signs. But I kept leaving it at home which is when inspiration always struck, so I decided to create a live journal account that I could access from anywhere.

I admit, I got way more into this character than was probably necessary, creating various other social media for her, and spending long hours writing blog entries, even backdating some of them so I could write about things that happened in her past. For a while, she was all that kept me going. Whenever I’d had a rotten day, I’d come home and go straight to my laptop without even eating, and just write about what Clover’s day was like.

I would vanish into her and write about *her* troubles, which were far more interesting than my own meaningless ones. Sometimes it felt like the words were just flowing through me, like she was part of me now and I didn’t even have to think, I just let the words come… and at the end, I’d proof read it and think, “I wrote this?”

After a while, that began to frighten me. I was even making art for deviant art saying it was hers. I was posting on Facebook, even getting a friend to help me look more real. Slowly, I began to feel like I was living two lives and possibly even making Clover real enough in my head that I could easily form a split personality and not even know it.

So, for a long time, I took a break. I posted one last thing about moving away and then left it to rot for a bit. When I started writing her novel, I made sure to do it in the third person so that I wouldn’t attach my psyche to it. Once I felt I had detached myself enough from it, I visited the blog a few more times to tie a nice little bow on the story, and that was the last time I posted.

I never deleted it, as the novel still sits unfinished, but since I’ve neglected it for so long, I’ve been locked out of the account and the email I created for it was terminated due to inactivity.

Now, if you aren’t in the know and reading this out of curiosity, you’re probably wondering what’s so awful about this whole thing, other than getting dangerously caught up in it. Well… I made several errors. Things I hadn’t even thought of until all this drama started a few days ago.

One was, to appear like a person who used a blog, I added some people as friends. One such person was noted artist, Jhonen Vasquez. It was innocent, adding him. I added multiple artists I admired. Unfortunately two of them have gotten swept up in all this because of me. Mainly Jhonen, but also the aforementioned ocularfracture who, until this evening, wished to remain anonymous. She feels she might be able to help though, since she somehow got linked to it all, and I hope to god she can.

Continuing on, though… because my character had an unstable relationship with someone named Jho (a Malaysian name of a kid I’d known in school who had anger management problems)… for some reason, this guy came to mind when I was picturing instability, so I just used the name.

I honestly didn’t even make the connection that Jho and Jhonen are even spelled with the same J-H-O. It never occurred to me at all. But here we are, twelve long years in the future, and here’s a bunch of people causing all sorts of drama about the blog, claiming Clover was a real person who was in a relationship with Jhonen Vasquez and abused by him. There’s apparently even some imposter claiming to BE Clover, which infuriates me endlessly.

It’s apparently not bad enough that a work of fiction was mistaken for autobiography, or that these truly depraved individuals somehow assumed based on nothing, that it was written about Jhonen. No, they have to make it all worse by being a flimsy sock puppet of my own intellectual property, just to insert themselves into the drama and condemn a man who has done nothing wrong.

I have been busting ass trying to get back into any of those old accounts so I can prove that I am who I say I am and clear his name…

But it’s really thrown me into a depression spiral. I feel like a tremendous asshole for ever writing anything that could be misconstrued, even if unintentional. I feel like I’m the reason… because I AM the reason that this wonderful artist has been made to suffer so much. And that truly hurts to know.

I never met Jhonen. Always wanted to, but never got the chance. Now I never will, for sure. If he even knows I exist by now, he must despise and detest me as the source of all this unnecessary suffering he’s been put through. It’s like… “way to go, Clem! Way to fuck up the life of someone you loved and respected.”

It will haunt me for the rest of my life, however long that might be at this point… because the more I think about this and how stupid it was and how easily it could’ve been avoided, plus putting myself in his shoes and imagining how damaging this must all be for him… I feel like a life for a life. I ruined his, so I owe him my own. Old fashioned rules that somehow make sense as I sit here freeing to death and waiting, hoping, praying that I got all my made-up credentials right, so that I can log back in and end this nonsense.

That’s the problem with getting too deep into a character. You make fake names, birthdates, security questions that don’t even apply to you… and you have to actually remember them or it’s game over.

And if I can’t sort this out, it’s game over. And even if I do, I still doubt if I can live with myself after knowing what I inadvertently put another human being through.

We’ll see what happens. Until next time,

Cloveryfields, aka Clem Yorke

[wonjns]

want ♖

♡° pairing. . . park jongseong x male reader

♡° genre. . . suggestive

♡° summary. . . jay lowkey being a mean bf ;( but yet u still cant help but fall weak to him. 

♡° includes. . . dom!jay, making out

♡° wc. . . 1.1k

°A/N. . . this gif has singlehandedly disturbed all of our well beings since the day it dropped . i finally had enough fantasizing and did smth about it LOL 

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you were beyond aggravated.

you came home after such a long day,, too long,, but were grateful that your tasks were finally done. you released a satisfied sigh as you stepped into your apartment, knowing that you had a stash of your favorite, limited edition lollipops that you ordered last week online waiting for you to devour.

or so you thought.

you walked in to the sight of your boyfriend, jay, reclining back, legs widely spread as his attention was glued to the flat screen tv. your eyes bulged out of your head as you noticed a large pile of wrappers sprawled about next to him. you couldn’t believe what you were seeing as you witnessed jay bobbing one of your precious lollipops in his mouth, clearly enjoying its flavor.

“what the hell!” was the first thing you shout, startling jay out of his relaxed state. he turned his head over to see you looming in the door way, and a bright smile grows on his face.

“oh, hey babe. what’s my beautiful boyfriend doing home so earl-”

he couldn’t even finish his sentence before he caught sight of you marching up to the coach angrily, steam practically coming out of your ears.

“what are you doing with my candy?!” you interrogate, lifting the very obviously empty bag. the lightness of the bag indicated that the glistening lollipop currently perched between jay’s fingers was the last one.

“i only had a few... they looked so good so i couldn’t resist.” he calmly explained as if it were no big deal, waving the last one in the air before plopping it in his mouth.

“jay, i’ve been waiting on those for a WEEK. you didn’t think to ask before going through my shit?!” you exasperate.

his eyes immediately darkened. he leaned up from his reclined position, pulling the lollipop from its loose position between his teeth and looked up at you with narrow eyes.

“i didn’t know we cussed now, love, especially at me. are we feeling bold today?” he spoke lowly, his tongue prodding the side of his cheek.

the air shifted, his aloof demeanor quickly switching into this tone intimidated you a bit, but you were too upset to reason.

“you have no idea how much those costs me, asshole. they might not even come back in stock until God knows how long!” you whine. you stomped your foot like a child, eyeing the empty wrappers. how did he even manage to eat all of them in one sitting?

he looked at you, chuckling lowly at your actions. “i don’t give a damn, babe. i wanted them so i took them... is that a problem with you?”

you attempt to swallow the sudden lump in your throat from his eye contact. your boyfriend was the worst when he was like this. he was brazen, careless, often selfish, but worst of all - always dominant. he smirked at your irritated facial expression, prodding the remaining lollipop to his lips once more. his next moves were merciless. 

jay closed his eyes, beginning to suck salaciously on the piece of candy. his plump lips worked around it slowly, the slick sounds of his mouth sucking on it stirring something in you. the lighting was hitting him a little too well, and you couldn’t help but stare speechlessly at his sharp jawline flexing as he sucked. you felt heat rise from within you - both in anger and in the way you were pitifully turned on by the scene before you.

you hated it, but you had felt a tent in your pants form quickly from watching the way jay’s eyebrows furrowed as he suckled the lollipop, running his tongue over the last chance you had at tasting the sweet treat. he was so cruel.

it wasn’t until he shamelessly moaned around the hard candy that your hand flew down to press lightly against your erection, desperate for some relief as you stood there. you were still irritated, but your need seemed to fill every inch of you and clog your mind of anything else.

jay noticed your change of attitude, cockily smirking as he watched you practically palm yourself in front of him. he detached the lollipop from his lips with a loud ‘pop’ that rung through your ears.

“damn, these really are good.” he spoke, practically moaning. he arched an eyebrow as he finally made eye contact with you again. he chuckled when you only whined, squirming in place as you felt speechless with how quickly you became overwhelmed. “where’d all that attitude go? aren’t you still mad i’m eating your last one?” he taunted.

you huffed out of aggravation. attempting to pull yourself together, you tried to play off your actions by pulling your shirt lower to cover your bulge - a full failure on your end anyhow. you frantically walked up to him and reached for the lollipop, but was unsuccessful as he yanks it back out of your reach, using his free hand to grab your waist.

“jay, please.” you whimpered, mostly at his strong touch. “i just want to taste it once at this point.”

“oh, i’ll let you taste it alright.” he responded, a sinister tone to his voice.

he then tossed the lollipop from his hands. it was sent flying somewhere across the room, and in seconds your back was being pressed into the couch. jay robbed your opportunity to shout in annoyance of him wasting your last candy as his lips crashed on to yours. he aggressively molded your soft lips together, the flavor of the oh so precious lollipop working into your mouth. when jay’s tongue wasted no time in entering your cavern, you moaned - loudly.

the explosion of pleasure and the familiar flavor of candy in your mouth caused your hands on jay’s shoulder to go limp, lifelessly resting on his back as he ravaged your mouth with a strong grip on the back of your neck. you mindlessly bucked your hips up into jay’s, feeling his own surprisingly hardening cock. he brought his thigh in between your legs as you made out, which you used to grind needily on.

finally allowing you to get air, jay broke the kiss, studying the way you gasped for breath. his eyes bore into yours, his gaze making you feel small. slightly rising the hem of your shirt, his fingers drew shapes into your bare sides. jay flexed his thigh, loving the way you squirmed and blushed. he leaned in until he was mere inches away from your face, whispering.

“i guess i’ll buy you more candy if you can be good for me. but i have to say,” he paused, dipping his head down to drag his greedy tongue up your cheek. “i have something right here that tastes much better.”

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