#Maybe that should also be one of my writing tags

[brokenpieces-72]

New Balance

Note: This one has been sitting in my notes for a bit, and was inspired by a photo of Neil Ellice in a white sweater, and no mohawk. From there I got the idea of Soap surviving the bullet but there would still be consequences.

Amnesia, is what they told Johnny. They were able to provide him with proper living and even provided him with some work. He was encouraged to attend therapy but it wasn’t required. Some times he went if only to talk some stuff out. Johnny had a good life though. The neighbours were friendly, he had a contractor who hired him for consulting and odd jobs, decent income, and on occasion took in foster animals. Yet something always felt missing from his life. They didn’t tell him anything about his past. A clean slate, a fresh start. Then why did feel stale?

Johnny opened his eyes with a gasp and sat upright. Another dream about death. Honestly, he was considering returning to his therapist about it. He checked his clock and saw he’d woken up before his alarm again. Seriously 4AM? Again? He tried to go back to sleep but the image of a skull dressed in black kept burning into his mind. Johnny, fed up with his fruitless efforts sat up and pulled out the notepad he’d started keeping by his bed, writing down what he’d seen in his sleep. At least he could add it later on before it vanished from his head again. Johnny tried to go back to sleep grumbling to himself about his mind not letting him ignore what he’d witnessed. He maybe got an extra hour or two of just relaxing and resting before his alarm went off.

The amnesiac got out of bed, and did the usual morning routine. A small work out today, he didn’t feel up to a full one. Breakfast was simple enough, and he could pick something up on the way to his regular job. Shower, dressed, checking his pack to make sure he had everything, lunch made up. An hour to spare, with enough time to grab a bite to eat.

Johnny went to work and headed to the tire shop immediately. Fall was when everyone got their tires changed over and he could work quickly. Mix that with night stocker and he was able to cover decent enough ground. Plenty of friendlies around him, people teaching him how the warehouse worked, and people for him to teach. It also meant a lot of energy lost by the end of the night. Yet somehow sleep wanted to leave early almost every night.

He came in to find a kid cross training in the shop, still learning by getting the vehicles lifted and nuts and bolts off the tires. The noise the power socket made when it was grinding against the nuts was evident of their lacking experience. It was loud and almost sounded like gun fire. It went on for a while, of them tightening the bolts more than they maybe should. The sound was not new but it did give him a bit of anxiousness.

“Aye!” He shouted to the kid. They stopped and looked back at him. “The bolt is on, move on to the next one and get it torqued.”

“Yes sir.” You responded. The loud bang of tires breaking pulled Johnny back to where he was supposed to be. A few needed to be balanced, so he got to work on that, removing the weights, and getting new ones on.

You could curse up a storm, clearly frustrated with the screws and the weight of the tires. You were crouching so yeah that can be sore on the ankles with extra weight after a while. The concrete floors were pleasant on the knees either. Johnny noticed you looking around and fiddling with the socket, which was stuck to the nut of the wheel. Johnny finished up and called for you reading your name tag.

“I can’t get it out, I don’t know what I did wrong.” You said distressed. Johnny could deal with it.

“Get these on to the one in bay two. I’ll fix this.” Johnny said, offering a newly balanced tire. You got right on it, quickly. At least you had that down. Unfortunately you seemed to be making plenty of mistakes. Not your fault, some were out of your control. The bolts were sticky on some, others were hard to find the lift points. You kept apologizing, with some of the other employees as well.

Johnny had you as a night stocker in his department. Worked hard and quick but fell behind sometimes. Sometimes Johnny had to remind you to pick up the pace. You just needed a few pointers, and reminders to stay focused.

The day was tiring. Eventually it ended though. As Johnny gave his farewell to the older manager lady, he stepped out to let the cold air fill his lungs. He leaned against the wall, taking a moment to relax before the drive back home.

You were sitting at the picnic table just outside the exit door. You were shivering a little, and checking your phone. A little young for you to be out here alone. Late to be out here alone. Johnny had finished later giving him some over time, but you finished sooner than him. Chilly out too.

“Oi kid?” Johnny said. You looked up, arms folded, shivering and hunched over. “You getting picked up?”

“My uh… my uncle was supposed to pick me up, but… guess he forgot. Just waiting for someone to come.”

“Don’t ya live near me?” Johnny asked. You gave him your address, and yep, it was maybe a five minute drive from away from his place. “Want a ride?”

“You sure?”

Johnny jerked his head. “Not that far out of my way.”

You got off the table and followed the older man, the backpack slung over your shoulder. Johnny didn’t mind driving a little further down the road.

“Sorry for causing any trouble today.” You said.

“Stuff happens. Don’t worry too much.” Johnny assured her. You started chatting with him, learning more about him, and he learned more about you. Little artist who had your sketchbook out every day before starting your shift, played video games, and liked animals.

Once they reached your home, Johnny let you get out but waited as you went up to the door. The uncle was supposed to leave the spare key out or the door unlocked. Johnny already didn’t trust this. He watched as you fumbled around the door trying to get in. Johnny got out of his car and beckoned you back in. No way in hell he would let you stay on the porch.

He got you in his car and drove to his place.

You kept saying sorry. Johnny told you again, it was fine. Besides he didn’t mind the company, living alone. If anything he was concerned you might be the one uncomfortable. A blanket was found and a pillow, and you curled up on the couch. You fell asleep before Johnny could say good night. It was a lot of work, he doesn’t blame you.

The next morning though you were gone. A note was left saying you’d gone back home, and thanking him for letting you stay the night. Johnny shrugged it off, got breakfast made and some small work done before heading off to work himself. He expected you to be at work at least and you showed up early once again. Almost an hour early. He didn’t know if your perception of time was off but then he saw you in your sketchbook. The doodles were pretty cute, and he realized it was the kittens he was fostering. Once his stuff was ready he sat down next to you and asked about your work. Another apology for sleeping and dipping, and then he got his answers.

A couple of weeks passed by, and you had come around to Johnny’s place a few times to stay the night. Johnny didn’t mind putting you up, but he told you to get a spare key so you could get back in your house. A few times you did get picked up, and Johnny tried to talk to your uncle. Each time he missed out, or the Uncle told him he didn’t have time to talk. Johnny would let it go, shaking his head.

In the tire shop, the noise was high. When tightening the bolts, on the wheels, once tight the loud clicking from the socket unable to move can be loud, and grinding. Johnny found himself looking up every time it rang out. The night before, his sleep had been riddled with shouts and gunfire. The kid was doing it, to make sure the wheel was on properly, to reduce the work of torquing. A few others were as well, but it kept pulling Johnny’s attention, making him stare off. It was making his heart thump harder in his chest, and the air to thin around him. The manager had to snap him out of it a few times, offering to take over whatever he was working on.

You took notice of him a few times but assumed he just got distracted. It started to be a pattern though, and with the busy schedule and getting backed up, there wasn’t much time to stand around. You finished bagging the tire you were on, loading it in the back of a car. Johnny was right by the pile of junk tires, bracing himself against one of them. Without a word, you touched Johnny’s arm bringing him to reality again. Johnny tried to go back to work, but no. You were insistent on him stepping out of the shop to get some water.

“I haven’t been keeping you up have I?” You asked.

“No no… m’fine. Ah’m just…” Johnny didn’t know what to say, so he shrugged. You told him to wait outside in the quieter part of the shop, and went back in to get Johnny one of the mini chocolates someone bought for the tire shop team.

“Take a minute. Have some water. Have your chocolate. Come back in when you’re ready.” You said. Johnny nodded, appreciating the your concern for him. Yeah, he needed a break. If it was to get away from being overwhelmed then that was fine. You disappeared back into the shop while Johnny sighed, leaning against a stack of tires. Yeah that chocolate felt good along with the cold water washing it down.

The dream felt too real last night. It was a fast blur but a few things had stood out to him, having seen them before previous nights. The thing that should’ve haunted him was seeing death. He swore that’s what it was, the grim reaper. There were times he swore he saw it outside of his house too but passed it off as just nerves. It should haunt him… so why didn’t it?

“Aye. Try to stay awake.” Johnny said, nudging you in the passenger seat. You yawned and stretched in your seat as much as you could. Both of you were exhausted. Johnny had been getting plenty of commissions for consulting, along with regular work. You had been working overtime quite a bit lately. Thank god the weekend was tomorrow. Johnny had offered to let you stay the night, seeing you drag yourself through the last couple of work days. You could sleep in hopefully, instead of taking off before the sun could.

“M’tryin…” You said sleepily, rubbing your eyes.

“Ya did good today.” He said, hoping conversation would help keep you awake.

“Thanks for letting me stay tonight.” You said.

“I’m not driving all the way to your place tonight, and I cannae let you go walking by yourself.” Johnny exclaimed.

Once you got to Johnny’s place, he let the you in, and then turned around. The road wasn’t very well-lit but he scanned the trees and houses anyways. It was a more rural area, less people and houses, so someone standing and watching like Michael Myers catches peoples’ attention. Yet the only thing stirring was the trees from the wind. Johnny was alert, trying to discern shapes and rule them out as anomalies.

“Johnny?” You asked from behind. Johnny didn’t say anything, instead stepped inside, still watching before shutting the door. “You sure you’re okay?”

“Ah’m.” Johnny assured you, but he wasn’t so sure himself. You didn’t press. Only asked where the spare blanket was. Johnny wasn’t going to let you sleep on the couch tonight, and instead led you to the small guest room he had. You seemed to appreciate that, thanking him and offering a hug. Johnny gladly accepted the offer.

Once Johnny left you to wash up and tuck yourself in, he went to the kitchen. Then he started to draw the curtains, not wanting anyone to see inside his home. After that he went to the basement and inside a small closet in a makeshift office space. It was under lock and key, one that Johnny kept on him at all times. Unlocking it he took inventory of the small weapons stash he had, seeing if anything had been taken out without him noticing. Everything was accounted for. He shut the doors and locked it back up.

Johnny wasn’t a stranger to pattern recognition. After having a few dreams of death he knew it meant something. He wasn’t willing to talk to his therapist about it. But by now, he’d started to piece some things together about his past. In a side room next to the closet, was a chair. A chair sitting in the middle of the room, surrounded by thoughts, ideas, notes, scribbles and even news clippings that Johnny had collected over the past couple months or so. It was a lot, with not a single spot of the painted dry wall peeking through. Johnny couldn’t even remember the colour of the walls. He tried to add something each night, especially after having dreams of him being in high adrenaline situations, with gunfire and shouting and death. Yes, couldn’t forget about death.

Not tonight. Take a break tonight. Johnny was worn out and fixating would just make him feel even more tired the next day. He would be fine tomorrow, a long sleep, a good breakfast, and chilling with you. That he could live with.

Outside, he watched his old friend stare out from his front porch looking. Did Johnny know who he was looking for? Maybe. Unlikely. Just to be safe, he moved into cover, as you called Johnny into the house. He’d seen you leave from Johnny’s house more than once, and hurry home. After a while he was going to pack it in, assuming Johnny had gone to bed by now. Then Johnny did something he hadn’t expected. Johnny drew the curtains closed. There were no signs of Johnny after that, but the curtains were a sign themselves.

Johnny’s gut hadn’t changed. The drawn curtains were to keep prying eyes from looking in. What prying eyes could Johnny be avoiding? Or was it him that Johnny was concerned about?

He waited a couple hours before finally walking away, keeping himself inconspicuous as he headed to his vehicle. If Johnny was remembering it could be a good thing. The question was whether Johnny would be willing to come back after everything he’d made for himself.

After a few seconds of mulling it over Simon drove back to the safe house.

Taglist: @yourlovely-moon @kaoyamamegami @h0n3y-l3m0n05 @sans-chara @0wosugarmommymedic0wo @smitten-haematite-quartz @talia-the-gemini @yuki2129 @whitetiger846 @graystorm444 @chibiduck @reaperxxxxzz @danielle143 @sobbingnshtting @cringeycookies @cryingpages @dcnocap207 @reaper-chan666 @bestbookfriends @thriving-n-jiving @cutiecusp @shikigami-the-paper-spirit @lolyouranelf

[rollercoasterwords]

i rember seeing you update your tags with memory loss and my heart dropped lol it’s always been one of my biggest fears and you mercilessly explored it (and specifically how it affected relationships) and it was terrifying and beautiful and wonderful

the way you write memory loss haunts

me i love your writing so much im in awe and uh have a wondrous day 😭

hiiiii thank u yeah i have. many thoughts about memory loss clearly lol

i think in general part of what compels me is that i feel as though there is a very prevalent message that we should think of life as a linear journey through time, moving from past to future, and also that the meaning of life is evaluated in ways tied to that linear concept of time--i.e., the idea that death is a fundamentally more important experience than most (if not all) other moments of life, because it is temporally at the "end" of a linear life cycle. & this is something i explored in thtf bc i wanted to push back on & question the presumption that death is necessarily any more important of a moment simply because it's the last moment we might have, & i wanted to explore a concept of life in which moments happening at different points of time are not necessarily ever "over"--those moments have always happened & are always happening somewhere in the fabric of the universe...basically thtf was me exploring how things might change if we break away slightly from life measured by linear timelines.

ANYWAY lily's story arc in worm moon is kind of a similar exploration. i think one thing that people find really frightening about this kind of memory loss--which was based around early-onset dementia--is the idea that you are losing these moments when you can't remember them, and also becoming unmoored from your linear temporality. your life is no longer a straight & predictable line from past to present to future; now the past interjects on the present, times get tangled up, etc. & again i wanted to explore the ways in which that can be painful but also the idea that a life unmoored from memory and time does not necessarily preclude joy & love & everything that people generally find makes life worth living; yes, lily losing her memory of her son is painful, but that doesn't mean the moments and the times she lived with him go away. they aren't lost or eroded because they didn't exist only inside her memory or her mind, y'know? the past is always happening and the future is always happening and the present is always happening all at once, etc...or maybe it's not! who knows! but just because we tend to perceive reality one way doesn't mean other perceptions of reality are necessarily less real.

& with sirius's experience of memory loss--there are some overlapping themes, but also different stuff i wanted to unpack & explore. i wanted to write a character going through the trauma & frustration & loss of feeling as though an important piece of past & memory had been stolen from him, and how that blank space can leave a hole inside you, and you can spend so much time trying to fill it--but at the end of the day, sometimes memory is just gone. sometimes it was never made correctly in the first place, and you end up with a hole in your life. and so often in stories about that kind of traumatic memory loss what i've seen is a narrative where there's an eventual restoration of memory that fills in the hole and allows the character to finally move on. but i wanted a character who has to come to terms with the fact that this specific, acute kind of memory loss is permanent--there is no healing of the hole, there is no patching over it, you just have to learn how to be a new person around it because you can't go back to the person you were before it, because that person is no longer you. and you have to learn to live with a trauma that you can't even name. i think that's a stumbling point for me with a lot of narratives i've encountered about trauma: oftentimes, they rely very heavily on finding ways to name & explain that trauma as a means of healing from it and coming to terms with it and moving past it. and if you have a traumatic experience tied to memory loss, or if the memory loss is the traumatic experience, then it's not really something you can "come to terms with." you just have to accept that something happened to you or your body or however you think of that person you can't remember and you'll never fully know what it is; you'll never get to sit down and watch a movie of the memory that says "this is the Truth and this is What Happened and this is why there's a hole inside you and you have nightmares about things you can't remember." anyway i think i'm just rambling now & not explaining this very well lol it's easier to just write what i want to say through these characters yayyyy fanfiction let's all clap & cheer etc

[miss0atae]

Okay I'm going to write it here because otherwise I will have a million tags.

I believe it's the same for everything coming from another country than yours. I don't think the Americans when they produce their series or movies think about the rest of the world. We're just a bonus for them and we had to adapt to understand their references. Even if now it's easier to get an answer, you still have to look for them. We may believe our culture is close to them, but I think there are still layers of small differences that sometimes can be tricky.

As for understanding the nuances, no one can be surprised to know that things get lost in translation and that's why you always get more when you know (or understand) the original language. That's the beauty of learning another language. You get to discover nuances you never quite understood with just a translation. I would even say, despite learning the language, you may still miss some cultural aspect. It takes years and dedication to truly get everything as languages are a component of culture. They reflect and shape it. Also, it's something that is in constant evolution.

It's cool when we get the accessibility to different forms of entertainment from others countries. I would even say it's a great hobby because it can bring a desire to learn another language and so get a better access to the culture of the country through this learning. Of course, it's human to want to get something you don't have, but you can't force another country to cater to others before their own people. Maybe it's the kick we need to start learning another language. If inter-fan are so interested in what Thailand has to offer in forms of entertainment maybe they should seek books/places where they could learn Thai.

The more people are interested by another country and they make the efforts to truly understand it, the better accessibility they get in return.

Anyway, that was my two cents about it. This is something I work a lot on in my daily life and so I had too many things to say and it couldn't fit only in the tags.

A big reminder to inter-fans who keep complaining about the way Thai BL series are narrated etc.

Directors and production companies make them for Thai audiences and inter-fans should always be mindful of that (and judging by the subs, we as inter-fans sometimes miss the nuances so so much)

Source: bl_imagines IG

[biggest-gaudiest-patronuses]

real talk having the 2nd worst new years eve yet 🤢🤢🤢 (throat infection, twisted neck, banged-about-foot, ego AND the rest o' me all bruised like misjuggled peaches 🍑🍑🍑)

im bent outa shape and suspectin the universe owes me 8 buck if anyone wannsa chip in

[thekittyokat]

you ever just have a lot, a LOT of feelings all at once about a character and not even remotely enough words or brainpower to FORM the words to describe everything you're feeling. so it feels like you may explode. yeah

[edenfire]

💗🏥 Shuake Week- Day 6 - Wound Tending 🏥💗

I've always really liked the idea of goro waking up after the engine room with a bullet wound in the chest. he miraculously survives, and akira has to take him in and tend to him, while hiding him from shido's men😳💦

(also yes, goro is wearing akira's pj pants😌💞)

[samwontshare]

@ao3org The entire Sam Wilson fandom showed up to tell you this is bad and racist and you have sidestepped the elephant in the fanfic archive.

I’m sorry, I just can’t be polite when the Orange Menace is trying to dismantle democracy and the fan fic site decides DEI also has to go. You want to be willfully ignorant of the particular racist context of this particular subset of Marvel fandom. This isn’t happening with a white actor as a hypothetical ‘we don’t see color’ straw man, this is happening with a Black actor and Black character that exists within the specific context of a racist fandom history in a racist society, you silly gooses. There was never a real world where Seb or Wyatt were getting the mantle for you to even consider this.

Also you didn’t address that everything got collapsed into Evans’ tag.

If people want to focus on Sam’s movie to find Sam’s content, there is already a movie tag. If I want to find Cap 1 or Cap 2 or Cap 4 fanfic, I can do that already.

This does not to address our mutual concern of making Sam Wilson fanfic easier to find, particularly because the entire fandom has been collapsed into the Evans tag, forcing only Sam Wilson fans to retag everything. This makes continuity extremely confusing when writing about Cap Sam post Endgame. I don’t even understand how we are supposed to categorize the correct fandom when a fic is set between Civil War and Brave New World, one of the most popular timelines to write Sam. This was easily solved with one movie fandom but now throws all of these fics into a canonical limbo where by this tagging system we should be using The Avengers movies (maybe??? Tfatws???) - but this would be convoluted for how the fandom actually uses tags. Even if you’re writing about Steve coming back from Endgame to idk still be Cap, where do you put that fic?? Where would AUs even fit into this? I genuinely don’t know how to tag my Sam fics now.

The Marvels is a crossover of three separate storylines featuring three main characters originating in different mediums in the canon (akin to The Avengers movies fandom). The Peggy Carter short was always intended to be a stand alone story - it was the basis for, but is not part of, the TV series. They are by design separate works. Not to mention the continuity conundrum faced by early Marvel TV shows.

However, Captain America 4 is literally the fourth film in a continuing story arc about the evolution of the Captain America mantle, not just Steve Rogers’ character arc. It is intended to be a continuation, not a stand alone work. There is a reason Steve’s final appearance is in an Avenger’s movies, not the Cap movies - Captain America is more than Steve Rogers. This is why Sam is getting a movie in the first place!!!

My friend got a "response" to the whole splitting the Captain America tag bullshit and wow they just don't care. Literally twisting themselves in knots to justify inconsistent tagging and how they lazily shoved every fucking fic into the Chris Evans tag for no goddamn reason and saying this is actually for the Sam fans when this was never a fucking complaint. The timing is so bad too still. They didn't explain why it happened now instead of when Sam immediately became Captain America. He's been cap for years and you do this shit now? Love how they'd rather pretend they're helping us and try to make excuses so they don't have to exert effort fixing a problem they caused than actually acknowledging the structural racism they just created, whether or not it was intentional. Also? Splitting the Captain Marvel and The Marvels tag smells of bullshit too. They didn't split The First Avenger and TWS into different franchise tags. They didn't split Ironman 1 and 2 into different franchise tags. I wonder what the fucking common denominator is there, huh?

[gen4grl]

you would think after all the yapping i do about these losers i would have a plethora of art uploaded … no… so here is my first kantrio post lol

i did these over the last month while watching the olympic weightlifting and jamming to kpop (stan red velvet and kiss of life BTW!!!)

[hazele-omega]

Hello Tumblr I present to you a redraw of a piece from 2023, feat. Chaos (NMS avatar character) fighting a corrupted sentinel

I really liked the concept of the original piece and figured I should give it another shot now that I have Lighting Skills...

Original/comparison under cut

[dustykneed]

Hello! Random whipper snipper! Share a WIP of your work!

ooh, with pleasure. six the musical araleyn fanart? in the year 2k24? more likely than you think xDD

i realize this looks finished, but technically i'm still deciding whether to add a background or not lol. still, for the sake of sharing a proper WIP, here's a line or two from an araleyn brainworm WIP that i started reworking yesterday (mild tw for religious guilt and period-typical internalized homophobia from aragon's pov):

She remembers sharing her bed with Anne at Henry's behest, remembers the nights of tossing and turning and trying not to think about Anne asleep next to her-- remembers waking up to dark hair spilling across her pillow and the press of blood-warm bosoms against her own, softer than sin, as hot as the Devil, remembers lying still as death, mouthing prayers into the heat of Anne's neck like an act of penance.

[redbootsindoriath]

Apparently in my absence this post had its 1000-notes-iversary.

This time we get to see the culprit responsible for ruining our heroes' lives as well.

I've really missed you guys, by the way. I know I've said that already, but I'm serious. Once or twice this year I've been right on the brink of coming back but schedule stuff always keeps me from letting myself commit to that again, and that in turn has kept me from posting anything at all. But I've been in an unexpected drawing mood lately and so if I can get enough stuff to set up a queue we might pretend I'm back for a month or so sometime this year. Maybe. Hopefully. We'll see. No promises though. That's why I'm hiding this paragraph under the cut.

Transcription:

[Beren:] "Uhhh...barkeep...I think he's had enough now..." [Tolkien:] "No, I don't think he has...!"

[mizuribbons]

from my time being in many different fandoms and encountering countless more i have seen a surprising amount of "flower shop with an extremely mentally ill florist who falls in love with a customer" aus. i mean, i see why. it's amazing, and i love this concept, it's just perfect. but also it's pretty fucking specific and there's way more of these than expected.

[sieglinde-freud]

oh im obsessed with this actually… who ever wrote this one i am kissing u on the forehead and hugging you real tight… inigo is such a loverboy im kkkhhhhhhijnsdnfng

[afterthelambs]

"Silco didn't create Jinx, you did" lives in my mind rent free because throughout season 1, Vi has been convincing herself that Silco is the obstacle preventing her from getting Powder back. She's traumatized and guilt-ridden. When Vi is traumatized, she simplifies things as a response. She has to believe that getting her sister back is that simple. But when Silco is finally dead, Powder doesn't come back to her. In fact Silco's death is what solidifies Jinx's decision to be Jinx (the complete Jinx aka Jinx + Powder, not the broken version of her that she tried to erase Powder from).

And that's likely why Vi switches on her so quickly. By the time season 2 starts she's fully on board with Piltover wanting to kill Jinx and when she confronts her in ep.3 she says Powder is dead and they're not sisters anymore. Which is wild considering just a few days ago she was reassuring her that they'll always be sisters.

I think Vi meant all of it. At the time she really did want Caitlyn and the enforcers to kill Jinx. But that's because she's still just as traumatized and guilt-ridden as she was before. She can't deal with the fact that Jinx herself is the real reason she can never get Powder back. And as I said, Vi simplifies things as a trauma response. However if they had actually succeeded in killing Jinx, I think Vi would live in regret and self-hatred forever. What someone wants when they're traumatized and hurt is not what they want forever, and Vi does love her sister.

[fellamarsh]

another thing i've been trying to do recently is read more self-published stuff. "but fell," you say, "you're a self-published author. surely you've been reading self-published stuff all along" and then i laugh for so long in response we both become uncomfortable.

see, the fear (which has for a long time been killing my mind) that i'll read other self-published stuff and find out that it's so much better than mine that i might as well stop writing forever kept me from doing that basically ever. i have a hard time not unfavorably comparing my work to others and had convinced myself i was being smart by withholding an avenue of de-motivation (reader: i was not being smart). it also doesn't help that i'm pretty low income and have a hard time spending money on books i haven't already read, and that self-published stuff isn't always available at the library---but really a lot of it was just me being a coward. which i'm working on. i could talk about how this particular cowardice is Very Silly, but i think enough has been said about it on writeblr and in the Writing Space in general that i don't feel the need to (though i will if anyone wants me to).

instead, i wanna talk about the self-published things i have read in the past few months and ask about the self-published things you love!

so: what happened was i got real sick, and while i was real sick i (naturally) read over 200,000 words of ace attorney fan fiction in the span of a few days. eventually i got bored of it (and also maybe annoyed at how people were characterizing some of my guys), but i still wanted to read something gay and romantic and nice, something i knew was gonna end happily, which isn't my typical fare.

now you may be saying (having gotten over all the uncomfortable laughter from earlier) "fell, you write gay romance. what do you mean that's not your typical fare?" listen. until a couple months ago i hadn't read a cut and dry romance novel since before i finished college. for context: i graduated in 2015. i know it doesn't make sense. i'm a guy who doesn't make sense.

but in this case it worked to my advantage. not the not making sense thing, but the not having read Published Romance in 1000 years thing. I didn't know where to start. I was very skeptical of everything the library had Available Now in the Gay Fantasy Romance category. what if it was all bad and also not good?

and then i scrolled past the familiar cover of our very own @ashen-crest's A Rival Most Vial.

now this was comfortable territory! this was a novel by a very nice writeblr person whose posts i enjoy! i already loosely knew the plot, i was familiar with the characters, i knew the names of things like rosemond street and the griffin's claw and that ambrose had blue hair and that at the end of it all there would definitely be Boyfriends. i didn't have to worry that this would be bad! i only had to worry that it would be really good!

but i wasn't worried about that, because i was officially Not Writing at the time, and because why the hell hadn't i read this book yet Ash literally emailed me some very kind words last year when my cat died??

Y'all, I devoured ARMV. If you haven't read it yet---especially if cozy fantasy is more your thing than it is mine---you should check it out Immediately. It was fun! It was heartwarming! It was sweet and earnest and confident! I was delighted to find it was occasionally hot! Ambrose and Eli snuggled up into my sick exhausted heart and found a permanent little place there. (Especially Ambrose. I have such a thing for Stiff Guys who Kind of Suck for Tragic Backstory Reasons and are So So Lonely They Don't Even Realize It. gawd)

(And a very small part of my brain spent the whole time wondering why I had been so afraid to really engage with the work my community is doing. The community that I'm in. The one I'm a part of. Why?! Maybe more on that later.)

But from there the curse was broken! I immediately devoured @stjohnstarling's What Manner of Man in a similar sort of frenzy (and hooooly shit guys am I excited for the expanded, finalized version to come out at the end of next month!) and started digging into @lurinatftbn's The Flower that Bloomed Nowhere (which I can already tell is going to be an All Time Favorite).

And now I want to ask you what your favorite self-published books are so that I can read them, too, but I think I will in another post that doesn't dedicate so much space to talking about my various and sundry Issues and isn't Terminally Long

[atotalpitch]

i just got a new emotional support turtle plushie i'm so yippee about it