#Maria Pallotta-Chiarolli

[slipperymeteor]

Bi Men by Women; Women in Relationships with Bisexual Men — Maria Palotta-Chiarolli

I started reading this a couple months ago after ordering this book-after seeing this book in the references of either Vaneet Mehta’s Bisexual Men Exists or Julia Shaw’s Bi and I-just-gotta-have-this-book.

But now it’s been several months and I’m only halfway. The problem is: this book is very academic. With my partner we recently read Boyslut by Zachary Zane and it reads very easily. This.. is not that.

This book is still a treasure though, and I thought one thing that would be interesting (to me at least) is to copy the summary of each chapter and note how the themes in this book resonate/not with my experiences and relationship, being a bisexual man in a marriage to a straight woman.

Here’s how Palotta-Chiarolli organized this 541-page book:

Introduction

Theories and debates

Women talk about their partners’ bisexualities (“you know, the old Kinsey scale”)

The women’s sexualities (“I have a sexuality too”)

Negotiating the beginning of the relationship

From closet to confrontation; changing course midstream

Staying the course or splitting up?

Rules in relationships

Masculinity, misogyny, privilege, and power: (“the problem is that he’s a man, not that he’s bisexual”)

“What do we tell the kids?”

Spreading disease

Navigating the heteroworld

Homonormativity

“The priest told him to marry me and he’d go straight.”

Family honor and shame

Erasures in health services

Final words

We’ll just start with chapter 1 below the fold, and I’ll make a separate post for each chapter as I go (I’m only on chapter 7 so far).

MPC interviewed 78 Australian women. Age range:19-65. Mostly the research relies on women who came forward and responded to recruitment flyers and emails to various support groups plus snowball sampling.

Of the women/couples: 30 are in Sydney/NSW, 28 in Melbourne/Victoria, 8 in Adelaide, the rest are scattered. Most of the women and their partners are of European descents (Anglo-Australian), with a minority of Pakeha NZ (4 men and 2 women), mixed Chinese (2 women), one of each: Egyptian, Ghanaian, indigenous, and Chinese.

Roughly half are atheist/agnostic/unspecified religion which includes Wicca and pagan, the other half are mainly various flavors of Christianity (catholic Protestant anglicans), and two Muslim converts (both Anglo-Australians).

24 couples are married. About the same number divorced/separated from their partner. The rest are de-facto together but not married. The married couples have been married for a long time: 2/3 of them 15 years of longer. The separated/divorced ones separate after being together/married for fifteen years! A lot of them have children, only a minority did not: 15 couples. Not all of the men identify as bisexual, 14 of them are tabulated as Gay. (And of the 14, 10 of them are now separated or divorced).

Why this book? MPC: women and their bi male partners are subjected to underrepresentation/erasure, misrepresentation/biphobia/bi-negativity, outdated representation, homogenized representation.

Quotes:

Steinman (2011) found that bisexual men were less likely than bisexual women to publicly and analytically articulate their experiences.

[bidotorg]

Happy Father's Day

[hellomynameisbisexual]

I’d always prided myself on being able to meet people IRL. Who needed dating apps? Not me. But when I turned 23, I came out as bisexual, and suddenly, I began struggling to meet potential romantic partners the old-fashioned way. The confidence I once had with women slowly dwindled, until it seemingly vanished entirely. Foolishly, when I came out, I thought the world would be my oyster. I believed Woody Allen when he said, “Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.”

Instead, the opposite occurred. I’d tell women I was bi, and they’d quickly reply, “Oh, I can’t date a guy who’s bisexual.” So I started waiting a few dates until the women got to know me better. I figured once they liked and trusted me, they’d feel more comfortable dating a bi guy. That’s when I started getting ghosted.

During the time period women assumed I was straight, I didn’t feel like myself. I kept obsessing over what their response would be when I eventually did come out to them and feared my effeminate mannerisms would turn them off.

Gay men, while typically responding more positively than straight women, simply pretended I was gay. They’d ignore the fact I was bisexual, only to get uncomfortable when I brought up an ex-girlfriend. Yet they had no problem bringing up their ex-boyfriends. Or, they assumed I would eventually transition into “full-blown gay,” and were patiently waiting for me to make the big announcement. When it didn’t come, our texting would peter out.

So I downloaded Tinder. At first I didn’t put that I was bisexual in my profile — not because I was ashamed, but because I thought more people would Like me if they didn’t know. I could tell them later. But then I found myself breaking the news before agreeing to meet up in person and getting rejected over and over again.

It’s exhausting being rejected no matter the reason, but when it’s for something innate to your identity — something you can’t change — you’re left feeling discouraged, until discouragement eventually morphs into hopelessness.

With nothing to lose, I added “bi” to my profile. Those two simple letters changed everything. Quickly, the number of matches I had with women dropped by at least 90 percent, and that is not an exaggeration, but the matches I did make were much more meaningful. I didn’t need to officially “come out” because they saw my sexuality on my profile and Liked me, which alleviated a lot of pressure. We also tended to actually chat more on the app and eventually meet up.

Prominently displaying my sexuality filtered out people, in particular women, who wouldn’t date me because of my sexuality. Most of the time, my matches were queer or if the women were straight, they loved dating bi men. In their experience, openly bisexual men were less concerned with gender norms and often better in bed. Of course, I loved hearing this, and this was a couple years before Maria Pallotta-Chiarolli, Ph.D. published her book, Women in Relationships with Bisexual Men: Bi Men by Women, in which she interviewed 78 women about their experiences with bi men, and found that well, dating an openly bi guy is the absolute best.

For the first time in my life, women wanted to date me for something that others ostracized. I felt empowered and optimistic about my romantic future.

Ross, a 27 year-old living in Chicago, had a similar experience when he added “bi” to his profile. “The few women that do [Like me] are generally more open-minded or even consider themselves on the queer spectrum,” he says. “The ratio of queer to straight women I’ve dated is drastic.”

I also found myself meeting more bi men. Men who didn’t explicitly write “bi” on their profile, but would happily say something the moment they saw I proudly displayed my sexuality. Except for my current boyfriend, who identifies as gay, every person I’ve dated seriously has identified as bisexual or queer. I don’t think that’s coincidental. When you have shared experiences with discrimination, it’s easier to date. You share common ground and trauma.

Michael, 42, who lives in Somerville, Massachusetts, has a boldy bisexual Tinder profile picture. The image depicts him opening up his suit to review a big purple “Bi” shirt, à la Superman. “I’ve always had something written about my sexuality as a filter,” Michael says. “I figure it’s important to list big, fat deal-breakers upfront, like being non-monogamous, for example.”

He credits this transparency for his positive experience. “I often attract people who are relieved someone is being open about being bi,” he says. “I get compliments and responses of solidarity, which is sometimes enough to make up for the crappy bi-hating behavior I otherwise see so frequently.”

Like Michael, I too have encountered what he so eloquently called “crappy bi-hating behavior.” It wasn’t all rainbows, unicorns, and acceptance once I updated my bio. I had people take in upon themselves to tell me bisexuality doesn’t exist. Some folks only matched with me to then “prove” that I’m not bisexual since I’ve “only had sex with men for the past six months.” But do you know what’s great about online dating? You can unmatch those people. You don’t have to reply. You don’t have to engage. You don’t have to prove anything to anyone.

[charmingpplincardigans]

Books Read 2017

*sigh* All of last year was a disaster, mentally, which manifested as me having a very hard time paying attention to narrative. I feel like I barely even listened to audio books, instead favoring powering through several podcasts with very large backlogs. And while the podcasts I tend to listen to are just as heavy on the hearing about other people’s experiences and random information as non-fiction books are, they don’t really count when it comes down to it. So. 

Here is the sad list of books I read/listened to this year, in alphabetical order by author/editor last name. ® equals a re-read.

From A Certain Point of View edited by Renée Ahdieh and Meg Cabot

Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda by Becky Albertelli

All the Birds in the Sky by Charlie Jane Anders

The Changing Dynamics of Bisexual Men's Lives: Social Research Perspectives by Eric Anderson and Mark McCormack

Diary of an Oxygen Thief by Anonymous

Instructions, Abject and Fuming by Julianna Baggott

The Language of Thorns by Leigh Bardugo

Six of Crows by Leigh Bardugo ®

Lair of Dreams by Libba Bray

Before the Devil Breaks You by Libba Bray

The Victorian Life: Modern Adventures in Nineteenth Century Culture, Cooking, Fashion, and Technology by Sarah A. Chrisman

Phasma by Delilah S. Dawson

From Here to Eternity: Traveling the World to Find the Good Death by Caitlin Doughty

Cunning Plans: Talks by Warren Ellis 

Une semaine de bonte by Max Ernst

The Princess Diarist by Carrie Fisher

The Butchering Art: Joseph Lister's Quest to Transform the Grisly World of Victorian Medicine by Lindsey Fitzharris

The Obesity Code: Unlocking the Secrets of Weight Loss  by Jason Fung and Timothy Noakes (partial, my therapist asked me to read it, but every time I start the audio all I hear is that sound clip of Cecil Baldwin groaning)

The View From the Cheap Seats by Neil Gaiman

Bad Feminist by Roxane Gay

Hunger by Roxane Gay

Sunshine State by Sarah Gerard

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter by Seth Grahame-Smith ®

Defy the Stars by Claudia Gray

Turtles All the Way Down by John Green

In Mad Love and War by Joy Harjo

The Superhero Reader edited by Charles Hatfield and Jeet Heer

How to Create a Mind by Ray Kurzweil

The Gentleman’s Guide to Vice and Virtue by Mackenzie Lee

Borrowing Blue: A Made Marian Novel by Lucy Lennox (partial, due to me becoming enraged by biphobia from everyone including the bi character)

Ramshackle Ode by Kieth Leonard

Women in Relationships with Bisexual Men: Bi Men By Women by edited  Maria Pallotta-Chiarolli

The Body Builders: Inside the Science of the Engineered Human by Adam Piore

Stiff: The Curious Lives of Human Cadavers by Mary Roach (partial, I just got distracted)

A Darker Shade of Magic by VE Schwab

A Gathering of Shadows by VE Schwab

A Conjuring of light by VE Schwab

The Lawrence Brown Affair by Cat Sebastian

Holidays on Ice by David Sedaris ®

Theft by Finding by David Sedaris

Frankenstein by Mary Shelley ®

Dime-Store Alchemy: The Art of Joseph Cornell - Charles Simic

Fully Present: The Science, Art, and Practice of Mindfulness by Susan L. Smalley PhD and Diana Winston

Dracula by Bram Stoker

Thrall by Natasha Trethewey

The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma - Bessel van der Kolk, MD (partial, because it’s very triggering so I’m going slowly, but I’ll finish it)

Shrill by Lindy West

The Hidden Life of Trees: What They Feel, How They Communicate—Discoveries from a Secret World by Peter Wohlleben

The Beauty Myth by Naomi Wolf

[ozfactsblog]

How to Come out as Bisexual to Your Wife or Girlfriend

How to Come out as Bisexual to Your Wife or Girlfriend

While honesty is the best policy, it can pose a threat to your relationship—especially if you’re coming out to a longterm girlfriend or wife as bisexual. In fact, in her book Women in Relationships with Bisexual Men: Bi Men by Women, Maria Pallotta-Chiarolli, PhD, notes that roughly a third of women break up with their (male) partner immediately after they come out as bisexual.

That doesn’t…

[slipperymeteor]

Bi Men by Women, Chapter 2

This is a really dense chapter covering theories, definitions, and literature overview. I don’t care much about the theories of social processes (“border women and their border men”), but some good quotes are below.

Quote: The queer spouse's same-sex desire has to mean that he loves his wife less than he (and she) thought he did; his acting on that desire has to be a move away from the marriage. Conversely, his love for his wife and commitment to the marriage have to be a force that undermines the importance and validity of his same-sex desire. (Swan and Benack 2012)

In research, bisexual men remain underresearched. Even a basic “how many?” is hard to answer because it varies depending on whether the research uses identity or behavior as the defining criteria. Male bisexuality usually appears in only three research contexts: medical, sexual, and denial.

Statistics:

- 33% of the bisexual sample in Page (2004) was involved in a polyamorous relationship; 54% considered this type of relationship ideal.

- Of the 90 straight women married to gay/bi men in Pearcey and Olson (2009), 46% had divorced while 17% remained married.

- Elder and Shea (2002) studied bi men in monogamous marriages. They were all still attracted to males; the majority of them married for love and still loved their wives. 80% disclosed to their wives to some degree. Their marriages are not brief: 45% at 5-9 years of marriage, 10% at 10-19 years, 25% at 20+ years. Bisexual married men =/= inevitable divorce.

Also, it turns out researchers really like to classify bisexuality.

- Six patterns of bisexuality: (1) transitional as part of the process of coming out as gay (2) almost exclusively homosexual/heterosexual with occasional deviations (3) serial/alternating patterns of exclusive homo- and heterosexuality (4) predominantly heterosexual with some homosexual contacts (5) predominantly homosexual with some heterosexual contacts (6) large numbers of homo and heterosexual contacts. [Boulton et al 1989]

- Nine different types of bisexuality: (1) situational bi—eg. in prison (2) transitional bi—see above (3) chic bi—swingers or girls pleasing a boyfriend. (4) historic bi (5) technical bi (6) cop-out bi (7) sequential bi (8) concurrent bi (9) experimental bi. [Meyer 2010]

- Malcolm 2000: adventurers (opportunistic homosexuals), avoiders, repressors, defensives.

Many more pages of these, but honestly I felt that none of these categories really fit me so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[slipperymeteor]

Bisexual Men Exist — Vaneet Mehta

Like another reviewer on Goodreads, I too wasn’t sure what I’d get from this book. If the main message is the title—bisexual men exist—then the cover page has made the proclamation clear so what’s in the rest of the book? (Also, I exist, don’t I? QED? what more do I need?)

Still, it’s an important message because it’s (/we are) too often ignored, dismissed, or overlooked.

I started reading the book anyway, though, learned a new-to-me term in the first couple of pages (m-spec: multi-gender attraction), and found myself devouring half the book in one sitting. This is a very readable book. Vaneet Mehta did a really good job in writing it.

Partly I think it’s because he’s starting with the familiars: the few representations in TVs (and missed opportunities). (Although there’s no mention of Nick Nelson’s character from Alice Oseman’s Heartstopper or the forced outing of Kit Connor, but the Netflix series is maybe too recent to have made the cut.)

The book cites some statistics, weaved together with narratives from Vaneet’s contributors. These contributors are integrated into the narrative with very little introduction: just their names, mostly. In various sections we get slightly more details (eg., what culture they come from in the section about intersectionality, or their degrees in a section about accessing mental health, but little more). These mostly work, although there were a couple of places where I noticed I was a little confused. At the end of the book there’s a complete list of names (several dozens of them) and pronouns but that’s it.

I came out of reading this book finding out more materials to read. The Bi-ble: New Testimonials (eds: Lauren Nickodemus); Women in Relationships with Bisexual Men: Bi Men by Women (Maria Pallotta-Chiarolli); Bi-America: Myths, Truths and Struggles of an Invisible Community (William Burleson).

[bisexual-books]

Congratulations to all the bisexual nominees in the 29th annual Lambda Literary Awards!!

Bisexual Fiction

Beautiful Gravity, Martin Hyatt, Antibookclub

Marrow Island, Alexis M. Smith, Houghton Mifflin Harcourt

Mouth to Mouth, Abigail Child, EOAGH

When Watched, Leopoldine Core, Penguin Books

Bisexual Nonfiction

Black Dove: Mamá, Mi’jo, and Me, Ana Castillo, The Feminist Press

The Body’s Alphabet, Ann Tweedy, Headmistress Press

I Have Devoted My Life to the Clitoris, Elizabeth Hall, Tarpaulin Sky Press

Women in Relationships With Bisexual Men: Bi Men By Women, Maria Pallotta-Chiarolli and Sara Lubowitz, Lexington Books

Also congratulations to the bisexual authors with works nominated in other categories, including:

Outspoken: A Decade of Transgender Activism and Trans Feminism, Julia Serano, Switch Hitter Press

even this page is white, Vivek Shraya, Arsenal Pulp Press

Homo Superiors by L. A. Fields, Lethe Press

ALPHABET: The LGBTQAIU Creators from Prism Comics, Jon Macy and Tara Madison Avery, Editors, Stacked Deck Press

Not Your Sidekick, C.B. Lee, Duet

Roped In, Marie Sexton and L.A. Witt, Riptide Publishing

[bisexual-books]

Congratulations to all the bisexual nominees in the 29th annual Lambda Literary Awards!!

Bisexual Fiction 

Beautiful Gravity, Martin Hyatt, Antibookclub 

Marrow Island, Alexis M. Smith, Houghton Mifflin Harcourt 

Mouth to Mouth, Abigail Child, EOAGH 

When Watched, Leopoldine Core, Penguin Books

Bisexual Nonfiction

Black Dove: Mamá, Mi’jo, and Me, Ana Castillo, The Feminist Press 

The Body’s Alphabet, Ann Tweedy, Headmistress Press 

I Have Devoted My Life to the Clitoris, Elizabeth Hall, Tarpaulin Sky Press 

Women in Relationships With Bisexual Men: Bi Men By Women, Maria Pallotta-Chiarolli and Sara Lubowitz, Lexington Books 

Also congratulations to the bisexual authors with works nominated in other categories, including:

Outspoken: A Decade of Transgender Activism and Trans Feminism, Julia Serano, Switch Hitter Press 

even this page is white, Vivek Shraya, Arsenal Pulp Press

Homo Superiors by L. A. Fields, Lethe Press 

ALPHABET: The LGBTQAIU Creators from Prism Comics, Jon Macy and Tara Madison Avery, Editors, Stacked Deck Press 

Not Your Sidekick, C.B. Lee, Duet

Roped In, Marie Sexton and L.A. Witt, Riptide Publishing