#Manifesting is literally easy stop overthinking it

[bluearchvdiary]

Manifesting your SP is easy if you have a clear mind and have removed all resistance. Assume the SP or anything you’re manifesting to be yours, remove any conflicting thoughts, and persist in the assumption and thoughts of already having it. Your only job is to change your thinking to what you want, not to change the 3D. The techniques are only to get you into the correct mindset and are not necessary. If you persist it’s already yours.

[tellafairy]

thoughts on shifting + manifesting with ease. (as someone who's shifted many times, alongside manifesting)

coming back to this side of tumblr after spending years away from it has made me realized how many of you are truly the problem, it might sound kinda harsh but really. so many of you ask the same questions over and over again.. "but HOW do i do it?" "how do i shift" "how do i manifest" JUST DO IT. stop looking for signs, stop looking for methods or "cheat codes". just do it man.

your mind is so powerful and it actually kinda irritates me how many of you doubt it, just because it "seems to easy". you don't understand how you've been manipulated by society to not see your power. how have you been on loa social media, shifting social media, for soooo long — yet still don't see it?? let me tell you..

the moment i got off social media, the moment i took time to erase everything in my head and stop overthinking everything, was the moment everything came to me. i already had it, i just needed to stop telling myself i didn't.

it took me barely any time to get used to convincing myself i had everything i wanted, i shifted to my desired realities, and everything worked out in my favour. AFFIRMING IS ALL YOU NEED. I AM YELLING AT YOU. JUST AFFIRM.

really, please, affirm. the routine is so simple.

1. any bad thought is instantly turned positive.

ex: "i really want her waist"

to

"am i stupid ... i have her waist.. tbh mine even looks a little better.. am i crazy?? like actually? this must be a glitch or something cause my waist is practically identical to hers.. i literally love my waist"

exaggerate, say what you need to say to erase the negativity.

2. it's yours, so act like it..

ex: talk about ur DR normally. it's your reality, not a fantasy land you made up in a dream. ITS REAL. it's a reality. for example, i'd watch videos of my s/o in this reality, and speak about our lives in my dr. "i can't wait to see __ tonight... god i love __, it's so nice hanging out with them everyday.. wow they look so pretty in this video — i'm so lucky their mine". it's natural, they're yours aren't they? exactly, so act like it.. this is used the exact same way when manifesting..

you see someone with something you want? thinking of something you wanna do? something you wanna be? ... it's urs... so can you act like it?? like whyre u feeling sad someone else got a job promotion 😹😹 you literally got a better one ...

3. that's literally it

you don't need a fancy method (although it can give u some peace of mind.. let's be real, a lot of methods set y'all back and make you overwhelmed, blocking ur beliefs and making everything seem harder). you literally just need to live. tell yourself it's done, over and over again. nothing matters. it's done, it's yours, you have it, you're happy and fulfilled. other peoples sucess should really mean nothing to you negatively. it shouldn't make you stressed, shouldn't make you feel behind.. why would it when you have everything, you can do everything, go anywhere, and you can be anything.

it'll seem like manifesting blogs and shifting blogs just repeat the same things.. which is true, they do, because i'm telling you there's nothing more to it than what you've already read. it is that easy. all it takes is your mind. decide, and tell yourself.

as i said before, it took me barely anytime to switch my mindset once i actually started focusing on myself, my journey and not every body else's results. repeating stuff to yourself WORKS. repeating is literally ALL i did. choose what i want, told myself it's mine in any way i could describe it. and there, it's mine. ive shifted to many different realities, along side gaining a better life in this one after years of convincing myself there was nothing for me. if i can break out of the cycle, trust me you can too. i cannot describe how desperate i was at the beginning, how long i took in false info and wasted time on methods all while doubting every single thing.

so why don't you believe it? you'll sit there and tell yourself over and over again that you're ugly, or broke, or friendless... but you won't tell urself that you've shifted? that you have your dream body...? girl okay i guess....

once you realize nothing besides your mind truly matters, is when you'll be free with yourself. circumstances don't matter, past feelings don't matter, doubts don't matter, your mind is all you need.

yes this is just loa explained longer, that's the point of the post because some of u still can't get it in ur heads

[msallurea]

Manifestation/Loa Myths I believe in

💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕

1. State of lack/Being in lack

Now the only reason I feel this is a myth is because there is literally no such thing as a state of lack. There have been people who have literally manifested there dream life n throughout that entire time they doubted, overthink, stressed, "wavered, etc and STILL MANIFESTED ALL THERE DESIRES! The only way you can even be in the state of lack is not being aware of it existing whether it's in imagination or in 3d. You can feel what u want to feel, act how u wanna act, be who u wanna be, why on earth are you worried about doubts n negative thoughts when if you aware you create your reality you can literally assume that doubts, wavering and overthinking makes your desires manifest faster like come on this is law of assumption not the law of being the picture perfect manifestor

2. Wavering

Like i said in the last one state of lack ain't real only way you can be in a state of lack is if your not aware of something existing whether it's in 3d or 4d which leads me to this next one which is wavering. Now yall know how much wavering can really make u stressed but I just wanna say especially for beginners WAVERING! IS! NORMAL! now is it beneficial when u do it more than accepting your power, well probably not but does that mean it will be like that all the time absolutely not. You cam literally assume that wavering makes your manifesting abilities stronger and more powerful, all it takes is one decision to change your entire life BUT all you have to do is ACCEPT AND HAVE! FAITH! IN! YOUR! POWER!! you gotta believe in yourself darling. I'm sure yall have seen very pretty ppl have there low moments but does that mean they no longer feel or know they are still very pretty or rich or privileged or whatever ABSOLUTELY NOT and sometimes when it comes down to it u really gotta look at the doubts n wavering as some haters cuz yall know a hater can't STAND TO SEE WINNERS WIN. Have your down moments if needed cru scream get mad punch shit whatever the case may be but if you understand the law of assumption n you understand that you have the power literally get your ass back up AND BE THE KING AND/OR QUEEN THAT YOU ARE

3. Manifestation is instant

Now before yall come at me just here me out 😭😭😭 as someone who use to have a issue with this I will tell u why I say this. Now we are all aware manifestation is instant in imagination because imagination creates reality but sometimes it can be a bit frustrating when you've been told u get your desire instantly n then look at 3d n see the total opposite. The purpose of methods n stuff is to remind yourself you already have what you want but please don't think that there us a such thing as a "affirming from lack, visualizing from lack, etc" if you are addressing in some way shape or form that u do have what u want whether it's past present or future, 1st 2nd or 3rd person don't matter you are well aware that that is what makes u feel kost at ease with feeling like u have what u want n that's good. The ONLY reason you aren't manifesting instantly is because you assume you can't if manifesting is nothing more then changing your mindset and persisting in desirable assumption then why on earth u think manifesting takes long, I mean eventually it will be so quick if u continually just test it out more n more you'd already be able to manifest instantly STOP WORRYING ABOUT TIME N JUST DO IT APPLY WHAT U KNOW. Do what works for u that makes u feel like manifesting is fun n easy cuz it is only as easy n fun as u make it

Conclusion

This currently all I had on my mind right now I hope this made sense n not sound contradictory since I wasn't sure how to explain some of the stuff 😭 but anyways that's all gimme more post ideas to talk about

[gugugagacodons]

MANIFESTATION IS EASY!!!

i had someone ask me, “what if i wish to manifest X because if X doesn’t manifest only bad things will happen"

yst i came across this post and this is literally my fav post ever because even tho i always think this, i’ve never found the words to articulate it this well.

and then i realised, that if you can manifest anything, you can manifest coming out of the desperate state, get rid of overthinking and anxiety, do away w negative thoughts etc.

MANIFESTATION IS NOT MAGIC. MANIFESTATION IS REAL. YOU ARE CONSTANTLY MANIFESTING. INTROSPECT AND YOU'LL REALISE THAT EVERYTHING IS A CONSEQUENCE OF YOUR MANIFESTATIONS I.E. THINKING.

here are some things i do for better and anxiety free manifestation:-

dr = desire reality cr = current reality

detach from your dr (desired reality): sometimes we get so obsessed w our dr that in order to manifest it, we start looking at it from the perspective of lack and since manifestation is ultimately bringing your state of mind to life, the only thing that gets strengthened as a fact is that you LACK it. (check the link in the intro of this post) to be able to manifest it freely, you need to detach. set a timestamp of maybe a week or two where you swear you won’t think ANYTHING related to dr. i did this once where i wanted person X to reach out to me, and then for a week of no contact and no thinking about them, boom they reached out to me exactly how i imagined it.

tell yourself you deserve your dr: in Roxie Nafousi’s book “Manifest”, she clearly states that you only manifest what you think you deserve. think of the times you have manifested some things and you haven’t. now compare the self concepts you had while manifesting each of them. i’m sure you’ll feel a stark difference of self worth in both scenarios. while having a good self concept is not absolutely necessary to manifest, it is better to have a good self concept in order to feel you deserve everyth bec really, you DO deserve everyth. in all, wtv you are desiring, you first need to tell yourself that it’s absolutely not a big deal that it happens to you, and you do deserve your dr. (you can try badmouthing/pointing flaws in your dr so that it doesn’t feel unachievable to you).

accept the situation as it if first: okay i need y’alls to HEAR ME CAREFULLY. so, you wish to change your cr (current reality) bec you are not happy/satisfied w it. but do you feel comfortable w being in it? have you accepted the situ as it is? ofc if you wish to manifest your life outside of your current life, you do not like your cr. but if you absolutely do not accept it or make terms w your cr, it will only make you more miserable, it will increase your desperation. and we don’t want that. when i wish to manifest smth i do not have in my cr, i firstly accept my cr and come to terms w it.

find a motive: i move thinking that i wish to manifest bec i wish to change this, cr is not making me happy. this gives you the MOTIVE to manifest. embrace the change from cr to dr and implement that. having a clear, defined motive escalates it several folds.

accept that you already have it: okay i know it’s hard to simple live like it, but when you are detached from your goal, it is easier for you to live the way you would when you already have your dr. distract yourself. don't dwell on thoughts of dr. your present needs your more. when you live in the present, it's easier for your to forget about the dr.

you're the absolute maker of your life: this fact used to give me so much anxiety before, bec it used to feel burdensome. but now it makes me powerful. always remember that since you are maker of your reality, you can NEVER NOT MANIFEST. you can NEVER MANIFEST INCORRECTLY. so stop w your intrusive thoughts.

makes fake POVs: okay this technique helps me a lot to keep myself from wavering. so quantum mechanically, since everything is energy, i picture that every time i affirm, the energy of my affirmations is helping to convert that energy into 3d mass. so whenever i check the 3d for my manifestations, i tell myself that the characters of the dr are working right now to make dr come true in the best way possible.

do not react to the 3d: what i have seen is that even when there are things going super wrong in 3d right this very moment, but when i don't react to them, the 3d IMMEDIATELY rewards me and turns it into my favour. not reacting to your 3d and having control on your emotions is the best manifestation gift you can give to yourself. as a very emotional person i did that and my manifestation journey changed wonders. do not think realistically. ever.

lastly, intro-fkn-spect: i'm so sorry for the cuss, but i cannot cannot CANNOT emphasize enough on how much introspection helps me personally to manifest. one thing abt introspection that helps me is to remember the times i was able to manifest. bec we are CONSTANTLY manifesting, it's literally not difficult to not manifest dr w/i days or even hours. and this makes me feel so powerful, and the fact that it doesn't matter what i do, i just need to stay true and committed to my dr. that is literally all.

always, always remember. you attract what you are. you manifest what you think you deserve. you keep what you resonate with.

[remcycl333]

Hi!! I'm visiting your blog (you can prob find me, I spam-liked a ton of your posts just a bit ago bc they were so good) and I'm LAUGHING MY ASS OFF because I CANNOT believe how much I stressed myself out over parts of LOA. I used to say shit like "how tf do I get into a state" and "how am I supposed to ignore the 3-D?!"... bc I seriously thought that getting into a state of [x] was way more complicated than just... literally deciding/intending to BE [x].

turns out I've been feeling the wish fulfilled this entire time I wanted something but literally every other day (yes, that frequently) I'd end up making myself waver and tried to force SATS/affirming/visualization because I thought i was not understanding some definition or i refused to accept that it could be easy as "just feeling it and moving on in the knowledge it was mine". I've been doing that for MONTHS—assuming that it must be harder than it really is—when I could have just stopped overthinking.

Thanks for confirming that this shit is EASY. For once, I don't feel anything towards my desire. I literally think it's mine. Overconsumption of LOA media made me think i was doing something wrong bc I felt nothing. Turns out that "nothing" — a lack of desire, a lack of want because I already possess everything I've dreamed of — is literally all I ever need to feel. Your posts helped me verify that I'm doing everything right. May the divinity in you bless you for life always. ❤️

yay i’m so happy for you!! we’re taught our whole lives we have to work super hard to get what we want so lots of people assume—and even want—manifestation to be the same way but it’s super simple and i’m glad i’ve been able to help people see that!! 🤍

[heliosoll]

Setting an intention = deciding to do something.

Stop overthinking intentions! By definition, intention means, "a thing intended; an aim or plan". Setting an intention is simply just deciding to do something.

"I'm going to eat an apple right now" = a set intention

"I'm going to shift right now" = a set intention

"I'm going to finish my homework" = a set intention

Setting an intention is literally just deciding to do something when you want to. That's all it is! So stop overthinking it! You don't need to meditate and do 100 backflips to set an intention. Literally just make a decision. That's it.

"I'm going to shift. I'm going to manifest. I'm going to the void" yadda yadda and so on and so forth. Those are all set intentions. Just make the decision to do something and chill. I know it seems really easy, and that's because it is. It's not supposed to be hard!

[arabella111]

[🪵] spiralling while manifesting

an awakened imagination works with a purpose. it creates and conserves the desirable, and transforms or destroys the undesirable.

— neville goddard

so you've been manifesting and suddenly you saw something in the 3d that wasn't you wanted and now you're overthinking 24/7? it's okay, we'll fix that really easily!

so the reasons we might spiral can be :

1. not seeing any movement in the 3d.

2. experiencing the opposite of what you want.

3. experiencing movement but then it abruptly stops.

it can be anything other than these too, but all the problem has only one solution! and that's NOT GIVING A FUCK ABOUT IT. yup, that's basically it. see something in the 3d that doesn't favour you? who cares. you already have what you desire isn't it? then why even bother?

NOWW, i know you might think, "it's hard to not react to the 3d"

yes, i know. but who said you can't react to the 3d? who said you can't spiral? YOU MAKE THE RULES! nobody can hinder you from getting what you want! literally no one. you're the one in control. for example, you're manifesting good grades, but when the teacher gives you your results you see an F, you start thinking, "wasn't i manifesting? the law doesn't work." IT'S TOTALLY OKAY TO HAVE A NEGATIVE THOUGHT!! but then remind yourself, you're the creator, you're the god, okay you got an F, but you can always change it, your whole reality is in your control, creation is finished. after you remind yourself, assume whatever you want is already yours, don't care about what the 3d shows, you might feel a little insecure or doubtful but it's okay, your negative thoughts don't affect you or your manifestation!! and you just have to live in your 4d aka your imagination, that's it. the 3d is the past, your 4d is your present and future! why focus on the past?

now how to not spiral?

easy. have an amazing self concept. yup!

immaculate self concept = no spiralling.

why? because you believe in yourself and know the law works nmw.

so, in conclusion, what should you do when you spiral?

1. you CAN react and feel emotions.

2. remind yourself you're the one in control and YOUR 3D IS YOUR BESTIE.

3. remember creation is finished.

4. assume your desire is yours and know your 3d will conform.

[sutheworld]

I just want to wake up with the last two years being exactly how I would have done if I was in my power and knew what was truly right for me. I screwed up so many things so bad and it was so important to get it right. Can you help me with this. I've been trying the void but nothing so far. I want that I made my life perfect since then. I am devastated and haunted right now by what happened. Please help. Thank you.

I can only tell you what you have to do! You read my the law and her laws post right? It says that your subconscious absorbs affirmations instantly and then your manifestation is done in 4D. With persistence your 3D will change to match your 4D. You probably have a persistence problem because you’re overthinking so much. Your constantly scared that your life wont change and search for help everywhere. If you’d manifest right, you wouldn’t be stressed about everything and worry about your manifestations so much or search for help in your environment. You’re in the state of lack right now. Change your focus. You know one affirmation changes everything, you know what people in your environment say and what you hear in your environment and what your environment shows you doesn’t matter because it’s not in your 4D it’s in 3D. Therefore it’ll go away with new thoughts anyway. You change your mindset and 3D eliminates everything contradicting your believes. So start forming new believes to change this right now. Change your view. Stop seaking for help affirm and persist right now. You should be completely satisfied knowing that youre manifestation is real in 4D. Because that means it’s soon real in 3D.

Why are you in such stress once you affirm once it’s a done deal anyway. Once it’s in your 4D nothing can take away from you, literally nobody. It has to manifest. You will suck at persisting if you don’t realise that you already have your desires because of the 4D. If you search for your manifestation in your environment instead of searching for better believes in your mind then you fail to understand how the law works. Your mind decides what’s happening outside of you, the things you see outside of you can’t do that. You just have to affirm to change your past so that you have a clean mindset and then everything is done anyway. Always read my the law and her laws post to remind yourself that you have more power than anything. Your last 2 years are literally changed with you only affirming once. This knowledge is all you need to persist. Start changing your mindset now.

Also you think your manifestation is so big and so different from any other. When it’s nothing. Your subconscious treats every manifestation the same. Manifesting a pencil case=changing the past. Unless you set yourself up and believe some stuff is impossible. It’s literally like i said a million times before just affirm okay even just one affirmation changes your whole 4D. Your affirmations are able to reform whole planets. It is so easy to change your past with an affirmation.

Then just persist with the knowledge you have from my the law and her laws post. I think i wanted to say something more but i just forgot while writing if i remember I’ll write you!!

I hope this helped!!!!

[awhkacey]

𝑀𝑎𝑛𝑖𝑓𝑒𝑠𝑡𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑤𝑖𝑡ℎ 𝑏𝑎𝑑 𝑚𝑒𝑛𝑡𝑎𝑙 ℎ𝑒𝑎𝑙𝑡ℎ:

Is it possible?

Of course it is, bby. Your mental health doesn’t have any power over your reality and you being the operant power.

You are allowed to have bad mental health days and still be able to manifest. You can even manifest in those exact days you have really bad mental health because worries, doubts, and emotions have no power over you unless you give them the power.

Can you manifest as an overthinker?

Yes you can. Again, it has no power over you. I know a lot of my friends that have serve mental health problems and are still able to manifest. Even on really bad mental health days. For example, one of my friends didn’t have the energy to affirm so instead of worrying about it or forcing themselves to do so, they just said ‘Everything is perfect with my sp, i don’t need to worry about it’ and they went on with their day, and literally two days later their sp conformed so their mental health had no effect on their manifestation. And your mental health will have no power over yours either.

What to do if you have negative thoughts?

It really doesn’t matter, babe. With persistence you can have your manifestations despite all the background negative thoughts. A few negative thoughts aren’t gonna stop you from getting what you desire. If those doubts pop up just tell them ‘I don’t know what you are talking about, i already have it so you can shut up now’ Literally. These doubts have no power of you. See them as something that’s separate from you instead of actually feeling like your the one actually saying it.

Can you manifest your mental health issues away and does it take longer?

Of course, you can manifest anything your heart desires. And absolutely not. You can manifest it away as easy as anything else but it can feel a bit harder as instead it being outside of us in the 3D it’s within so if you struggle a lot with your mental health you might find the need to persist as most people find mental health issues very hard to escape and ignore. This doesn’t make it harder or impossible dw. You just need to be willing to persist through any unwanted circumstances your mental health might show. If you find it easier to affirm that it’s getting better every second or day instead of affirming it’s magically gone, do that. Do what ever makes you feel like is right for you.

I completely understand a lot of people don’t want to get rid of it due to personal reasons and one being scared of living without it since you have lived with it for so long. And that’s completely fine. That’s your choice. And everyone should respect that.

——

I just wanted to end this by saying how im so proud of all of you, you are doing amazing!! It makes me smile to know all of you are finally realising how powerful you really are because it’s true. The world is in the palm of your hands.

[1111jenx]

Astrology Observ Rants: 🌜random placements🌛

Heyyyy!! So I was really inspired by this one fellow blogger that i have mutuals with on my tumblr feed and decided to start writing some rants!😆 Take this easy and have fun! Lemme know what you guys think down below:)

1. Leo Moon/Venus/Rising. You do not need others validation to feel happy. When people tell you to back off, back off. Repeat after me until that becomes real. I'm a Leo Rising/Venus so I truly know this best. Some of us really see red flag as a sign to chase lol

2. Are you really bestfriends with a Scorpio Venus if they never told you all of their sketchy schemes? Oh you didn't know that they created a fake Tinder account and spent 2 hours swiping left on the app at 1AM in the morning to see if they will find their s/o account? Even if their s/o is sound asleep next to them? You didn't know they do that? They probably not your bestfriend then😬 (Mix this with Virgo/Libra energy and you get a demon)

3. A big hug then a loving slap to all of my Gemini Sun with Leo Venus out there! Some of y'all are simply crazy possessive but refuse to show it somehow? Why do you feel so much but show so little? Being in love will not make you guys distracted. Show the world how big your heart is. My Leo Venus will really appreciate this thank you.

4. Sagittarius moon people... Are you guys like... Okay? Literally any sun with sagittarius moon are the worst overthinkers I've met in my life, worst temper too. I'm not sure why some people believe Sag moon slacks off and ignore the problem. In my experience I have not met any Sagittarius moon thats not either 1. confrontational 2. extreme anger issues 3. extreme identity crisis 4. truly feel bad when they did someone dirty and can owe up to their wrongs 5. STUDIOUS ( My mom has this and her sun is in Gemini and despite her age, she's currently learning 2 new languages and has traveled to most countries in the world, I'm serious)

5. I didn't really get why Sagittarius men have such a bad reputation until I met one. Wow. And y'all have the audacity to call Gemini men evil? Have you met a Sag man with water placements?

6. Gemini Rising please please please calm down. I love your energy when you're at your best. Literal sunshine! But your moodiness is INSANE and you guys have anxiety so bad sometimes I just wanna give y'all a hug.

7. Hey Aquarius Rising! It's time to let go of this toxic cycle. You know you deserve better. Clinging on people who won't share the spotlight with you don't do any good.

8. I'm sorry I typed formla instead of *formula! Now can you shut up and stop taking screenshots of my grammar errors? Yeah I'm talking about you guys, Virgo Moon/Mars.

9. I feel like no one ever talks about how Cancer Mercury can either never freaking open up??? Like at all??? Or can't shut up about their emotions??? Like its either the former or the latter it's tiring boo.

10. Gemini Mercury aspecting Venus. Please. Make a decision.

11. Capricorn mars energy makes me wanna bend over and let them torture me sometimes. But only when they're heartless and don't give a damn about me. When they start to care it's like they want us to elope ASAP.

12. I think it'd be best if Aries Moon people sit down and lock themselves up in a room when they're about to throw a tantrum. This will really help your relationships.

13. Pisces sun women and their relationships with their grandparents. A lot of Pisces I know grow up with their grandparents!! Not a rant just a fun fact lol.

14. Pisces Moon people are delusional. I said what I said. Y'all really believe blasting "Attract my ex come back to me affirmations RHZ" will manifest your ex back in your life. Get a therapist. (I'm a Pisces moon so I know. Don't come for me)

15. Finally, Leo sun with Libra venus❤️ I read somewhere saying that you guys are angels! You are. But in the same time. Some of y'all will risk it ALL when you want someone. I mean literally. Stop it.

love,

saint jenx🪐

[tosikoarts]

SFW Alphabet | Koito Otonoshin

WAP reference? In my SFW alphabet? More likely than you think. You can check tosikowrites tag for more. Warning: there’s a lot under the cut.

A = Affection (How affectionate are they? How do they show affection?)

First of all, everybody in the radius of two kilometers knows that Koito has fallen in love. He isn’t loud about it but it is written all over his smug face 24/7: when he starts daydreaming about them (which he does a lot), faint blush covers swarthy cheeks and his eyes fixate at the farthest point on the horizon. Tsukishima has to call three times before the Second Lieutenant finally notices his presence.

Okay, maybe, he is a little louder than was previously stated. Koito hasn’t had a lot of love experience so for him it is a bumpy road of trials and errors. Considering his behavior in front of First Lieutenant Tsurumi, easy to imagine how he awkwardly stutters in the crush’s presence, switching between native Satsuma dialect and classical Japanese. As they grow closer, nervousness dies down, and Koito finally talks like normal people do! Oh, he is such a show-off. However, he is a sweetheart as well so his talk comes across as a nice kid trying to be overly cool. Makes tons of compliments but can’t take any himself. No, he does. No, he doesn’t. Koito is a mess that thinks about small compliments for weeks. You say he looks nice with hair parted down the middle and this young man never goes back to his previous haircut.

It is serious when Koito starts rapturously venting to Tsukishima about them. At first, Otonoshin starts asking subtle questions not to seem too inexperienced. Then he asks for advice on how to dress, what to give as a present, how to act in general. If there are any problems in the relationship, Koito will 100% craw to his Sergeant for help.

One of the first and generally the main way of affection for Koito is giving pricy presents. Even when he is trying not to flex on wealth, it comes across as disguised bragging. Gifts given are always unique and of quality, so there is no reason to be indignant.

B = Best friend (What would they be like as a best friend? How would the friendship start?)

His best friend has to be either someone from childhood or the Imperial Japanese Army Academy. Koito won’t befriend anyone in the actual military (except one exhausted Sergeant) since he has a fear of becoming a career trampoline.

Koito squanders the money on entertainment with no remorse and no shame. If he gets a new Western-style suit, his best friend will receive one in the mail too. On nights out Koito generously pays for the food and drinks, saying that they will pay next time but the next time never actually comes. There is some money in his bank account, why not spend it?

His best friend automatically becomes a part of his family and friend of Tsukishima. Koito doesn’t ask, he confidently states it. If they for some reason do not want to be close with the listed contingent, Koito faces cognitive dissonance and, notwithstanding, tries to improve relations between them.

Koito is not a stranger to gossiping and petty drama. He doesn’t get involved ever since his family has a status to maintain, but he knows what skeletons are hidden in the neighbors’ bedroom closet. His best friend hears the phrase “You won’t believe what I know” more often than “First Lieutenant is so amazing”. By the way, yes, Koito is still that fangirl and they have to deal with it.

Eh, you can’t rely on him in troubles, though. He will unapologetically push the blame on another person to stay an innocent good boy that was accidentally dragged in the mess, but he will make amends after the noise dies down.

C = Cuddles (Do they like to cuddle? How would they cuddle?)

He is so touchy-touchy-lovey-dowey, oh my god, just like you would expect from a touched-starved young man. Koito has no problems with PDA, he enjoys gazes fixed on him, so it is not uncommon to see him with the partner on the lap. Tsukishima learned to turn a blind eye and do some extra work to give the Second Lieutenant more time with his loved one. Koito prefers spooning to any other position so he can press them against his chest and fall asleep in their warmth. Sweetheart cradle is the second-best option but, honestly, Koito is down to anything that includes any of his limbs resting on their body.

D = Domestic (Do they want to settle down? How are they at cooking and cleaning?)

Too young (especially in the mental sphere) to think about settling down. He is 20 years old or something, right? Koito doesn’t even know what he wants, what his principles are, what his life guidelines are, so no, there’s no way he thinks about settling down any time soon. Perhaps in 3-5-10 years, after his father knocks some sense into the guy, Koito will come to the conclusion that it's time for a new chapter in his life but definitely not now. Oh, also, he is useless in the household. He can’t cook, he can’t clean (and he can’t tell how he got this ring).

E = Ending (If they had to break up with their partner, how would they do it?)

That doesn’t go well at all. Pangs of conscience do not give him the chance to pretend and delay the moment for too long but Koito can’t just say “yeah, that’s it” and walk away as nothing happened either. He chooses the most feckless option – cruelly distancing himself and making them lose interest in the relationship. Once the decision is made, there’s no going back. Koito's interest in his military career rises significantly and, suddenly, he is always busy disciplining juniors, taking additional trips wherever First Lieutenant sends him, surprising everybody with an overwhelming passion for small arms… Yeah, I’d say that boy sus.

If the time spent apart doesn’t kill their fire, Koito will go full mean mode and start acting like a literal jerk. It’s small comments that hurt the most: he finds them too loud or too quiet, too touchy or too cold, yadda yadda. Unreasonable ostentatious attacks of jealousy? Hell yes. His goal is to get on their nerves even if it means still small voice will whisper what a terrible person he is. Regrets the childish behavior months later but won’t admit it no matter what. Fights the desire to crawl back to them for a year or so.

F = Fiance(e) (How do they feel about commitment? How quick would they want to get married?)

It's too early to talk about it. Again, he is standing on the doorstep of real-life and significant changes like getting married and starting a family are not even close to his vision of the future. Koito hesitates much and overthinks more so there is no point in waiting for a proposal in the first two years of a relationship. There are vulnerable moments when he doubts his own suitability for marriage. They may lead either to deep conversations with psychological aspects (remember the gnawing feeling of being a family failure?) or to abrupt distancing but in both cases, Koito pulls himself together and remembers: if such an amazing person chose him among another than he must be special.

G = Gentle (How gentle are they, both physically and emotionally?)

One of the few soldiers who were left damaged but not broken, so gentleness does not just smolder, but burns in Koito's heart. When it comes to being gentle, he is a physical manifestation of fondness: it beams from his eyes, radiates from his touch, and hides in his choice of the words. Someone may find it inconsistent, but brutality outside the battlefield, in any type of relationship, seems unnecessary to him as well. In a physical sense, Koito is quite remarkable in his raring, so his actions can come off a little sloppy, rushed, and aggressive.

H = Hugs (Do they like hugs? How often do they do it? What are their hugs like?)

Exciting hugs! Koito trembles from the top of his head to the tips of the toes when he gets a chance to hug his loved one even if it is the tenth time this day. Most often, he starts with a fast welcome kiss on the cheek before pulling them into the tight embrace: it is heartwarming but never the same, which makes a person wanting to come back for another dose of unconditional love. Koito is down to hug at any time of the day, of the week, of the month and, honestly, he sees it as one of the most gentle and innocent expressions of affection.

I = I love you (How fast do they say the L-word?)

Blurts it out by accident after half of a year of stale dating. The delightful feeling of sentiment overwhelmed him to the point of blinding adoration so Koito couldn’t stop himself from an unexpected confession. With head resting on his hands and cheek muscles twitching from the continuous wide silly smiling, Koito just blurted out what came to his mind at the moment, realizing what that was a few seconds later. To avoid embarrassment at all costs, he played dumb even though everything was written on his face in bright red color. Whatever. Conscious confession isn’t that easy. He is full of love but translating it in an understandable voiced statement is freaking work.

J = Jealousy (How jealous do they get? What do they do when they’re jealous?)

Whether he is a witness to his loved one being a flirt or his loved being hit on, Koito is l i v i d. In the first case scenario, his ego is hurt so badly, he storms from the room to avoid throwing a tantrum right there on the spot. Any attempts to speak with him after what happened result in loud indisputable “don’t touch me” and silent treatment for a good week or so. The mere thought of being replaceable terrifies poor Koito, it forces him into unhealthy coping like acting demonstratively independent and detached to show them he can do it solo. We’ll pretend it is not a desperate tactic to punish them, ok ok. When his love is being hit on, Koito does not even assess the situation. He rushes to the partner to save the day, steps between them and another person, laughs it off, and asks his rival if there’s any problem. Usually, confrontation is pretty effective against unwelcome suitors. Thank god, because Koito wouldn’t want to get physical anyway.

K = Kisses (What are their kisses like? Where do they like to kiss you? Where do they like to be kissed?)

Awwww, have you ever imagined yourself as a teacher? Too bad because as much as passionate he is, Koito is hopeless. Literally. Lack of experience affects his (non-existing) technique. Couldn’t figure out he had to open his lips for a French kiss, leave alone any abstruse tricks, and knowledge of more sensitive spots to pay attention to. All preferences in the form of instructions have to be said aloud: Koito may act like he doesn’t need them, he is so cool and mature, and only losers need to be guided, but in reality, the opposite is true. Thanks to the above-mentioned features, his favorite kisses vary from pecks on the cheek to thigh and hand kisses but they never include kisses on the lips. If the partner is the same height or taller, he prefers to be kissed on the temple and top of his head. In other cases, doesn’t have any preferences.

L = Little ones (How are they around children?)

There are times when you have to do what you have absolutely no idea how to do, and it perfectly describes Koito’s relationships with kids. Somehow, they are on the same level but at different poles: he would rather cry because of how annoying capricious baby is than find any way to calm them down. Changing a dirty diaper is a challenge like no other, and going to the continent for a little girl protected by the company of bloodthirsty, armed to the teeth veterans sounds a lot easier (and not so disgusting) than babysitting a single baby. Older children are fine if they know how to keep themselves occupied and out of the sight. On his watch, there is always a small chance that the house will catch fire or the most active child will break their arm. Requires obligatory supervision of a more experienced babysitter.

M = Morning (How are mornings spent with them?)

No one is leaving the bed in the morning. Sleeping in is inevitable. Do not plan anything for the first part of the day because if Koito chooses to devote the weekends to the lovely company of his partner that means he will squeeze every single second spent together out of it. It doesn’t matter what they do in the bed, like cuddling, talking, doing something spicy (youtube censorship much?) as long as they remain under a warm blanket. Koito giggles a lot catching their soft gaze on his lips, tickles them when silence falls. If the couple stays in the family house, servants are ordered to prepare the tastiest breakfast with gourmet chai tea as well as to find possible entertainment for the day.

N = Night (How are nights spent with them?)

The end of the day is the last opportunity to let off steam before getting into a slower pace, and, finally, going to bed. To no surprise, Koito prefers activities aimed at the work of muscles and not of brains. Nothing too extreme though. Horseback riding is a common pastime if they are not in the mood for anything else. In other cases, Koito offers to play cricket in the summertime and go ice-skating in winter but his all-time favorite is swimming in sun-warmed waters of a crystal clear river. Despite the cold underwater currents winding around the ankles, Koito can swim in circles for hours without letting his loved one go ashore. If they are up for a challenge, competitions for who can hold their breath longer and swim to the other side faster are always a choice.  

O = Open (When would they start revealing things about themselves? Do they say everything all at once or wait a while to reveal things slowly?)

As soon as they let Koito know that they are interested (doesn’t matter in him personally or in him speaking), the dam breaks. He is ready to talk about anything, from how the day was to the meaning of life, the role of the monarchy in the future of Japan, and what influence Heinojou’s death had on him. So to say, Koito sees no problem in opening up early in the relationship. There are no forbidden topics in his mind except, maybe, what is so below the beltline: starting any intimate conversation reduces Koito to a red stammering (in Satsuma dialect of course) mess. It gets better with time.

P = Patience (How easily angered are they?)

Chill enough? Not in the Tsukishima’s sense of “I have seen too much shit in my life so I am no longer surprised by anything and I expect nothing as well” but in a cheery and optimistic outlook. If he breaks a plate or cup, it is a reason to buy a new one, not to throw a tantrum on how Japan no longer makes quality dishes. How boring life would be without nuisances, huh? However, Koito immediately blows off when it comes to serious matters like life-threatening situations. Overall? Absolute ray of sunshine, anger is unnecessary, keep calm and take it easy.

Q = Quizzes (How much would they remember about you? Do they remember every little detail you mention in passing, or do they kind of forget everything?)

Remembers nothing but anniversaries’ dates. Seriously. Don’t expect Koito to compliment your eyes’ color, he doesn’t remember it. Favorite food or place? Did you mention them at all? Hm. Blame it on the charm of the moment that hypnotized Koito and sent him into oblivion. He doesn't bother himself with writing down any facts and details and is visibly surprised if the partner expresses frustration with his forgetfulness.

R = Remember (What is their favorite moment in your relationship?)

Perhaps it will be a surprise but the most memorable moment for Koito would be doing “bad stuff” together. As for a person, who has not yet emerged from cheerful adolescence, drinking, smoking cigarettes, and, who would have thought, opium together leaves a weird feeling of agitation and gaiety. Hiding with the partner in crime, bottle covered under the lieutenant's coat as if he is some kind of thief, is something Koito won’t ever get used to. He drinks and mumbles gibberish then pulls his loved one closer for some sloppy smooches that never work out: someone keeps missing lips and laughing like a goofball after every failure.

Smoking opium, which happened exactly one time, was the complete opposite of previous experience. They ended up in semi-darkness in a distant room with artfully painted paraphernalia and one carved pipe that was passed back and forth for the whole night. An intoxicating sense of calm and emptiness hit Koito in the head as he was watching his loved one fusing with the thin lilac smoke: a situation they were in was too bizarre to be real but magical too so he had no right to complain. Memories of that night stayed with him for the whole life but Koito never had a desire to go for a smoke again.

S = Security (How protective are they? How would they protect you? How would they like to be protected?)

For the sake of justice, Koito has a protective side, but the carefree character often overshadows it. He meets dangerous situations in conditions where one large group of opponents confront another so everyone covers each other's back. When Koito has to fight one on one he can fully rely on the own strength and reactions but when there is someone to protect things get messy really fast.

Koito is ready to cover them with his body to save from a whistling bullet but this thought comes from a place of “I can’t come up with a plan what do I do what do I do” and not from rational thinking or self-devotion in the name of love. Nah, boy just no thoughts, head empty but HEART FULL.

Would want to be protected as well? He has no problem being viewed as one who needs help. Won’t want them to act recklessly though, exchanging their life for his isn’t fair a bit.

T = Try (How much effort would they put into dates, anniversaries, gifts, everyday tasks?)

Youthful maximalism and all-encompassing love push Koito to new feats every day: he racks his head over which place to choose for a date, should he buy them expensive things or no because what if they look at him as at tasteless braggart, maybe, he should have not brought a bouquet today, maybe, he is too annoying… At the beginning of the relationship, he is excessively enthusiastic and scarred to mess everything at the same time. Often this mixture leads to an awkward situation but with some guidance, Koito calms down and begins to feel a partner on an intuitive level. Anniversaries will still be celebrated on a grand scale though. He has literally no chill when told to make that one day special. Lacks consistency when it comes to everyday tasks: either puts all of his effort in building a stool or does nothing the whole day.

U = Ugly (What would be some bad habits of theirs?)

The bloated ego doesn’t seem a big problem at first but it keeps popping up now and then in the conversation and overall behavior. Again, it is not even close to megalomaniac extend but can be pretty annoying when Koito keeps putting himself in every story and boasting with every minor achievement.

Not the most independent, kinda clingy guy that needs somebody that he can always rely on. We have already seen Tsukishima's fate and this is what awaits for the person who decides to tie the knot with him.

LOUD. SO LOUD. DEAFENING! If you think Koito would lower the voice down or, for the frick’s sake, stop screeching but no! Excited? Yell! Scarred? Yell! Surprised? Yell! I can see him screaming louder than his newborn baby shocking midwives in the maternity hospital. Pray to God that it is not inherited.

V = Vanity (How concerned are they with their looks?)

Not to call him obsessed, but Koito takes good care of himself and tries to be attractive in the eyes of others. He may spend a little bit too much time staring in the mirror during the mourning routine, brushing hair locks just the exact way he wants them to be. Several creams are lying in the drawer of his nightstand and Koito replenishes its stock with enviable regularity. Of course, he looks sharp: when circumstances do not oblige Second Lieutenant to strict dress code, he pulls off well-tailored looks, both traditional Japanese and Westernized ones. Just imagine him dressed to kill, wearing an all-leather long car coat with skintight gloves. Koito is too powerful in his handsomeness.

W = Whole (Would they feel incomplete without you?)

Has zero knowledge of how to handle break-up and that pretty much describes what a hell ride it will be for Koito. Obviously, the violent reaction is accompanied by complete confusion, he is at a loss for words and can’t find the right ones even in the Satsuma dialect. Well, if he had a gut feeling that they are planning on leaving later or sooner, Koito would lash out at them in the worst way possible: every wrongdoing suddenly transforms into hidden signs confirming that he was not loved at all, never ever. He makes a loud scene with eyes brimming, screams whatever nonsense comes to mind to stop them from speaking further. No explanation can overpower his growing resentment. If break-up comes up out of a blue, Koito remains silent, listening to whatever they have to say. None of the words makes any sense to him and there is nothing he can tell or ask. Nothing makes sense. He sighs while rubbing his temples, eyes shut tight to separate from the world as much as possible, and turn down the white noise coming out of their mouth. Koito leaves without saying a word with a plan to avoid them in the next few weeks.

In the case of their death, Koito is in no hurry at breakneck speed to take revenge but that definitely doesn’t mean he is indifferent. Revenge is a dish best served cold, and even such a hothead as angered Koito is can wait for a better moment to strike.

X = Xtra (A random headcanon for them.)

Since Koito joined the army, celebrations turned from long-awaited days into in minor verbal congratulations aaaand that’s all. The atmosphere is just not the same. In the beginning, he tried to keep head up but general disinterest killed his vibes and left him bitter.

The only person who does not mind supporting the Second Lieutenant is Tsukishima: he gladly watches Koito happily screaming as he launches a colorful kite into the air, joins playing hanetsuki and sugoroku on Japanese New Year, once he even gave Koito pochibukuro as a joke. Otonoshin was merry and embarrassed at the same time since, you know, pochibukuro is given to kids, not adult men who shoot people for a living.

Y = Yuck (What are some things they wouldn’t like, either in general or in a partner?)

Mysterious silent people aren’t the company Koito can tolerate. He hadn’t had a good experience with Ogata back in the 7th Division and doesn’t see himself with anyone hiding behind a duplicitous smile.

Scolding Koito for his frivolity won’t do anything good, quite the contrary, it will force him into acting withdrawn in their presence. Attempts to change Koito are pointless since action generates opposition: the more he is told to be a serious man, the more infantile he will become.

By the way, it is important for Koito to see a class in his surrounding. He himself carries an elusive aesthetic so lack of taste and sense of beauty is a bummer. Good thing they can be acquired just like other skills.

Comparison. Do not compare Koito to anyone, ever. His father probably did it a lot back in the days when talking about Heinojou’s success so Otonoshin became allergic to any “you are just like/you act like/you look like/wish you were like” comments.

Z = Zzz (What is a sleep habit of theirs?)

The most normal person in the 7th Division when it comes to sleeping. There’s literally nothing to describe: Koito falls asleep fast, he doesn’t have any problems with falling asleep or waking up, doesn’t use any medication, doesn’t have any evening rituals. Dreams are a rarity. Loves to sleep with someone by the side, so he can hug a person from behind with both arm and leg, and if the place next to him is cold and empty, Koito may hug a pillow or rolled blanket.

[ofcloudsandstars]

Hey, dear! I've missed seeing you on my dash, how are you doing? What would you say your summer has been like? Sending lots of love and good vibes!

Ahhh this is so kind! I hope you have been well too. I am working on September’s forecast but I have been a bit slow since I am tired with some stuff going on. I am working on a sacred geometry virtual gallery for the plant alchemist mentor so I have been dizzy with motion sickness throwing this gallery together before the full moon haha. 

Last week I just got back from the most insane adventure that I may probably get around to writing another endlessly long post about haha. (editing this post, it turns out that THIS has become the endlessly long post about it haha so I am having a read more added). CW: sex details. It may be TMI but I added a warning before lol 

  Anyway I was having this mutual attraction with this italian guy I met through work who ALSO has a venus in Scorpio like me. We were going to go on a date but the world succumbed to The Plague. He returned to Puglia to be with his family as he quit the company and his apartment so he can just chill and live for free while he figures stuff out, but he was flirting with me through text all throughout lockdown and begging me to visit him when it was safer to travel so I was like: Oh yeah?!?!?! And I booked a 5 day long first date/vacation to Puglia to be with him lmaoo. Venus in Scorpio is intense as hell but we just be like that. My close aries witch friend moved to Southern Italy with her BF too for the time being so I was like ok if stuff goes south she can come save me but this guy like took me FARRR AWAY on the southern coast like 3 hours from her omg. He booked beautiful places like old medieval stone villas (omg one place had a wooden four poster bed, a stone fireplace with a cauldron and a huge color-changing hot tub jacuzzi next to the bed lmaoooo) and we ate endless seafood and went to the beach everyday. Only set back is we were NOT SEXUALLY COMPATIBLE at ALL and it’s really sad cause yeah I got his star chart and over analyzed it before going over there but sometimes I doubt myself like ohh not everyone is their starchart to a T, like you should give people a chance. But he was  e x a c t l y  like his star chart.

First he has A LOT of trines like a lot of fire energy which is great. He’s super passionate, but the trines means he is too chill and positive which is nice but it means he has little motivation to do anything. (Think when there are great trine transits happening, it’s FANTASTIC for doing magic and manifesting things but those days the energy is so chill and harmonious you don’t even want to do anything and they can easily pass you by.) Meanwhile my chart?? It’s fucking SQUARES ALL DAY BABEY like Squares, Oppositions and more Squares. I have something called the grand cross on my fucking chart lmao. So that means I overthink, I can get stressed easily, my life soundtrack is just this long anxiety ridden drum and base background music as I fucking parkour through endless obstacles of racism, sexism, gender identity, fleeing the states cause it’s becoming a totalitarian government, learning a bunch of european languages and skills in case I gotta flee england next, thinking about the future, thinking about my actions in the present, thinking about how I can learn from the wounds of my past, lmao everything is thought about at least 1000 times. I also have a lot of Saturn energy my chart is Saturn dominant so there is a lot of planning, structure and organizing to me. Meanwhile since he is hosting he never has a plan and is always ‘go with the flow’ so sometimes it makes me nervous cause the first place he booked was some GHETTO sex motel that looked like sex traffic was happening in there and I was in the middle of no where with him and I was nervous like praying to the Spirits of Nature and Venus to help me work this out haha. But it was ok. 

His life is so easy cause he’s like a handsome italian man with a mom that wants him to live at home with her until he finds a wife to mommy him. He never has to do any house work or really any work at all cause his parents will support him cause that’s normal in Italy. Honestly if I got with him I would never get that same treatment I would also be hauling ass in the background to cater to him and our kids until the day I die. He also doesn’t really understand what it’s like to be of a group of people ostracized by society. He is a hot cishet white man and has a whole community of good friends and a mom to support him with whatever he does.

He’s also like really traditional and was raised Christian. I told him I was a witch and he was like ohhhhhhhmyGOddddddd and thought it was fucking weird haha and I was like: YOU NEVER NOTICED ME AND ROXANNE (my aries witch friend who moved to Italy who literally wears massive metal pentagrams everyday) ARE WITCHES?! And he was like: I do not know about this haha. 

Lastly about his starchart which worried me when I first reviewed it is that our natal mars are at a square. I mean I have had sex with someone’s Mars in Aries before and it was great but his sex?? Was TERRIBLEEEE!!!!!!!!! TERRIBLEEEEEEEE OHHHH MY GOD. I am going to add a CW for some sex details in case you want to scroll but like: 

--

My Mars is in Cancer so I do like it to be sensual and cuddly with some oral action but he was like so terrible and disgusting and I feel like he probably only slept with girls in his country who may have been traditional like him and never said anything to him cause I am like I dunno how you got away with this for so long having terrible sex like this. Like so grabby and aggressive it fucking hurts like he would have left bruises and I hate that shit like sex is supposed to feel good!! I don’t mind if you grab my ass cause it’s just sacks of fat lol but my boobs have shit in them like glands you can’t be grabbing that!! And sorry this may be TMI but like I’d communicate with him all the spots I’d like him to go to cause they are the most sensitive ones and he’d just ATTACK THEM like some type of police dog sniffing hidden cocaine I am like BITCH CALM DOWN I literally would have to stop him so many times so he wouldn’t hurt me. And he once said: Oh but I like that (being aggressive in bed) and that annoyed me so much I was like: Oh so if you like aggression do you want me to grab and twist your balls in the same way? And he was like: no. lol 

And then his kissing was tErrible. He wouldn’t even start out sensual he would literally just shove his whole tongue in my mouth and it’d be slimy and terrible and tastes like the ash from the weed he’s always smoking and once during sex I bent down to make out with him and he literally just stuck his tongue out in preparation I paused like: NO!!! Like omg he got me so heated I am so heated just typing this lmao. I am also really sensitive with like sensory things and have misophonia so sometimes if certain stimulations are stimulating me the wrong way I get more put off than the usual person and sex is so intimate like every time he grabbed a sensitive part of me I wanted to slap him the fuck back haha. The funniest part though is when I’d give up on him trying to pleasure me (everything was terrible, the fingering was like someone who is in a rush to get the elevator and is jamming the button impatiently; the actual fucking was like.. off beat?? And he could NEVER LAST; he gave me head once but that was interesting I felt like he was trying to karate chop my clit with his tongue lmao I was like please stop omg) I was like fine ok just lie down and I will give you head and we can get this over with.. And when I gave him head for the first time he did not moan or anything he would just say: Mamma Mia!!; and FUCKING HELL it would kill the mood but also I couldn’t concentrate cause I’d be fucking laughing just choking on him laughing like I could NOT. 

-- End sex detail mention lol 

Anyway I am always wary of sex with Mars in Aries people but this experience is going to make me avoid them and have trust issues haha. Anyway I got a lovely free vacation in a beautiful region with incredible food. His friends were nice though my Italian is really terrible and nonexistent (omg also speaking about communication, he forgot most of his english so it was a challenge speaking to him haha). We were both wild as hell to do this even though we didn’t really know each other but whatever that’s the Scorpio in Venus. And in a perfect Scorpio fashion we may never see each other ever again because he may not return to London, I mean we pretty much fell out of infatuation with each other cause of the terrible sex chemistry and the only reason I have to return to that region of Italy is to see my witch friend there but there is a chance she is going to move to London again and she lives in a different city from him lol. 

So yeah I have been quiet over here but this is my current life. If you want to look at the gallery I am working on it’s in it’s rough draft form but you can find it here! 

https://www.artsteps.com/view/5f4946b290389d2f7d705e86

[lailannajacobs]

Bake Until Soft and Gooey

Pairing: Loki X Reader 

Request: Hewo! owo If you're not too busy with other requests, I was wondering if you would do a Loki fic where Loki and the reader like each other, but they don't know that the other does, and the reader ends up baking cookies for him to confess her feelings? Thank you, it's nice to know that you're always open to talk as well ;>

Warnings: Absolute fluff :) 

Word Count: 1.8k

A/N: Thank you so much to the lovely anon who requested this! I love baking myself so I had so much fun writing it!! I hope the wait didn’t feel too long and I’d love to hear what you think about it! <3

You let out a sigh and swept up the flour that was all over the kitchen floor. Despite the fact that you had made chocolate chip cookies almost a million times in your life, today, nothing was going right. It wasn’t hard to figure out why though. You had finally decided it was time - time to tell Loki how you really felt about him. Just the thought made you a nervous wreck.

Ever since moving to the compound, things between the two of you had always been easy.  You couldn’t think of anyone else you had ever gotten along with so well, but you had never had the courage to tell him how you felt. You didn’t want to lose one of your closest friends by confessing your feelings, especially if he didn’t feel the same way. And on the off chance that he did but things ended, then you would still lose him as a friend. You didn’t know if that was something you could handle.

But this morning your conflicted feelings had been too much to handle. You needed to let him know how you felt.

All you could do was hope that he felt the same way.

What better way to do that, you thought, than by using your delicious chocolate chip cookies as an excuse to talk to him. It had been the genius idea you needed to give yourself that little nudge in the right direction. Although if you were being honest, you never needed an excuse to talk to him and you were probably just overthinking everything.

After cleaning up your mess, you opened the fridge and swore.

“(y/n) what did the fridge ever do to you?”

“Nothing, except not have enough eggs for these cookies.” You groaned.

Then you realized who had spoken. You froze, your head still in the fridge. Loki wasn’t supposed to be here. What was he doing here? He wasn’t supposed to know what you were doing. Damn. Why had you answered him? What was he doing here? It seemed that even when you were doing something you didn’t want him knowing about, you were too open around him. What did you do now? You couldn’t just ignore him.

“Do you need help?” he asked.

You took a deep breath, pulled yourself together and popped your head out from your hiding place in the fridge. “Oh, no, that’s fine…I’m good. These cookies literally take like ten minutes to make.”

“Are you sure?” he manifested an egg. “I think I can be of some assistance.”

You wanted to tell him to leave but you really needed that egg. And butter. Did they even keep anything in that stupid fridge? If you told him to leave, he’d probably get suspicious, and that was the last thing you wanted before those cookies were done. He couldn’t know something was up, you weren’t ready to tell him yet. But you were ready for that egg though.

A smile unwittingly made its way onto your face. “You know I can’t say no to you when you bring me eggs.”

He raised a brow, “Only when I bring you eggs?”

You extended your hand and waited, “yes, only then.”

He grinned and placed the egg in your hand. You lingered there for a moment before getting back to work, only to realize you needed butter too.

“Think you could get me some butter too?”

His lips spread into a sly grin, “I knew you needed me for more than eggs.”

“Eggs and butter. Congratulations.” You teased as he handed you the missing ingredient. “I can’t seem to do it without you.”

He held onto the butter for a second, his eyes twinkling with mischief before letting go. Every time he looked at you like that you thought your heart was going to explode out of your chest.

You broke the gaze so he wouldn’t know what was going through your mind. “Thanks.” You began creaming the sugars with the butter, the sound of the beaters drowning out any possibility of a conversation. Although the two of you had always been comfortable with the silence, you were glad for an excuse not to speak. You didn’t need him noticing how nervous you were. You cracked the egg into the bowl and reached for the bottle of vanilla.

Opening the jar, you spoke up. “Doesn’t it smell amazing.” You poured a teaspoon into the batter. “Want to taste?”

He squinted his eyes, uncertain. “Really?”

You nodded. “Sure. I used to do it all the time.”

He shrugged. Your easy demeanour was all he needed to be convinced.

You gave him a spoonful and watched as he brought it to his lips, trying your hardest to hide your crazy grin. It was hard not to give it away but somehow, you managed.

His eyes widened at the horrible, bitter taste and then narrowed. You knew all to well that the god of mischief liked to be the only one playing tricks, but you couldn’t resist.

You flashed him your most innocent grin.

Wordlessly, he closed the gap between the two of you, those green eyes keeping yours captive. Your heart began to race like it did every time he was this close an all you had to do was lean in and your lips could touch his. He swallowed, the look in his eyes growing more and more cunning.

“Are these for someone in particular?” He whispered, his voice low and husky.

You hesitated. Maybe now was the time to tell him how you felt. You had wanted to bring the cookies along with your confession, but maybe just having baked them with him was enough. You itched to tell him. This could be the opening you were looking for. All you had to do was say yes. Tell him that they were for someone, and that someone was him. It was always him. But before you realized what you were doing, you were shaking your head, chickening out once more.

His mischievous look dropped and he took a quick step back. “Well…it would have been more interesting if they had been.”

“Fortunately for you,” you shrugged, focusing on the batter so that you didn’t have to look at him. “they’re just plain old cookies so you can have as many as you want.”

“At least I know they will be good. They always are (y/n). I have to go see my brother…about leaving, but I am sure I will be back in time to have some…unless everyone else eats them all first.”

Before you could tell him that he had nothing to worry about, he shot you a small smile and was out the door.

You looked after him, wondering what was so important that he had to leave in such a hurry. You let out a breath, practically shaking from the fact that you had almost told him.

Afternoons like these made it easy to forget that there were so many other important things going on in each of your lives. You didn’t live on the compound because the rent was cheap. You lived here because you were an agent like everyone else. Tomorrow you’d be back on a mission and Loki would be on Asgard with Thor, helping out in the realm he was prince of.

The timer ticked, counting down the seconds until the cookies were ready. That was how long you’d give yourself to muster the courage to tell him. It had to be today. There wouldn’t be a better time.

The cookies were still warm on the plate when you paced in front of Loki’s door. You had reached the door, lifted your fist and then stopped, turned around to leave but then talked yourself into staying. You lost count of how many times you had done that and wouldn’t be surprised if you had been here long enough for the whole hallway to smell like cookies.

When you finally decided enough was enough, you went to knock, but the door opened before your fist could touch the wood.

“(Y/N)” Loki's eyes widened at the sight of you standing there with your fist in the air. “I was going to look for you.”

You almost dropped the plate. “You were?”

He nodded

The silence opened up for you to say what you had come to say but when you opened your mouth you only blurted, "I have cookies” and shoved the plate at him.

“Indeed you do.” His lips twitched upward in that half smile you loved so much as he took the plate from you and set it on the desk to his right. “Would you like to come in?”

“Yes. No. I mean, I would, but I have something to say first and I’m not sure you’re going to want me to come in after I do.”

He looked so worried you almost didn’t continue.

“The thing is…I made these cookies because I really didn’t know how else to tell you -well I guess there were other ways to tell you - but really it seemed that this was the best way to do it, and the thing is.” You stopped and took in a deep breath. The confused look on his face probably meant that you were rambling but you couldn’t slow down if you wanted to get the words out. “The thing is Loki. I like you. Like, really like you.  I have for some time now and I have no idea if it’s even the right thing to do, you know, telling you, and I know you probably don’t even think about me that way because we’re friends but-”

The words died when his lips touched yours. He stole them from you as if he hadn’t been able to find them himself and this was the only way he knew how to get the message across. His lips were soft but firm and you wrapped your arms around his neck and slid your fingers into hair like you had day dreamed about doing for so long now. He pulled you closer, pushing your lips apart hungrily and kissed you like he had just been unleashed.  

When he pulled away, a sly smirk pulled on the corners of his mouth, “was it always the plan to get me to make my own cookies?”

You rolled your eyes and said, “don’t be ridiculous, I did all the work” before pulling him back so that his lips met yours.

[princessamericachavez]

FJORD’S PLAYLIST

Welcome to my overthinking where I literally meta over meta. Because what else am I supposed to do when Travis gives me such a good Fjord playlist to freak out over. 

So, y’know, meta under the cut. Here we go:

1. Bottom of the Deep Blue Sea by Missio

Panic. Confusion. The cold, dark and salty depths with no end in sight. And then light — but, how? Fjord shouldn’t be here. What is he forgetting? No time to ponder or fight something that seems to have a plan of its own.

I FEEL LIKE FJORD’S DROWNING WAS WAAAAY MORE TRAUMATIC THAN WE AS A FANDOM ACKNOWLEDGE, OKAY?

Like, way way waaaaay more horrifying than just “I passed out and woke up in the beach with cool new powers” and more “I think I literally died.”

The berth surrounding my body crushing every bit of bone The salt, it seeps in through the pores of my open skin I wait on you inside the bottom of the deep blue sea I wait on you inside the bottom of the deep blue

Fjord shouldn’t be here. How many times do you think he’s thought that? Not only the fact that he should, by all accounts, be dead, but that out of his whole crew why would he get to live while everyone else is lost and gone. 

Fjord has some fucking deep survivor’s guilt, y’all. I’m telling you. 

2. The Funeral by Band of Horses

Things seem the same – but where is Vandran? Who will guide Fjord now? One thing is for sure, the Fjord he was before is dead and gone. Bury the pain and live on.

AGAIN, I FEEL LIKE WE AS A FANDOM DON’T ACKNOWLEDGE ENOUGH HOW FREAKING LOST FJORD IS WITHOUT VANDRAN. (i will never get used to that freaking spelling but I guess it’s the official so fine)

He was Fjord’s mentor, father figure and overall savior. He’s the person who made the difference in his life, who pulled him out of what seems like hell and gave him a purpose and sense of self. Losing that is no small deal, and I think a lot of his actions in the past several episodes have been guided by that pain and that need to find out at least what happened to him and who this man was before they met. 

To the outside the dead leaves, they're on the lawn Before they died, had trees to hang their hope

He didn’t even get to give Vandran a proper funeral or goodbye, y’all.

Fjord’s whole arc is just one last desperate attempt to connect to Vandran, to feel like he maybe hasn’t lost him entirely (probably the reason Jester keeps bringing him up, too; she knows Fjord the best and probably understand that urge is what’s driving him).

3. Wanted Dead or Alive by Bon Jovi

Time to go. Keep moving and don’t look back. Fjord’s only known two lives — one he loved and valued, the other he detested and wishes he could forget. Only by moving north and away from this city will Fjord be able to start fresh. Now to disappear… ya’ll.

Time to go. Keep moving and don’t look back. I’ve said this before, and I will say it again: Fjord is a survivor. He’s gotten this far by not giving up, by doing whatever it takes to survive, and he’s not about to stop and give up now. 

He’s lost everything he ever had, good and bad, he’s lost the little sense of stability he grew to cherish, and all he has now is the drive to start again. To not give up. 

It's all the same, only the names will change Everyday, it seems we're wastin' away Another place where the faces are so cold I drive all night just to get back home

He’s never been anyone, anyway, never had a family, a last name, property... all he has is himself and his resolve to keep going.

4. The Sound of Silence by Disturbed

Love me some Disturbed, and this rendition builds like one of Fjord’s dreams. Terrifying and incredible visions flood his mind, and his confusion is only matched by the sometime physical manifestations that accompany his dreams. Can’t help but think of Caleb’s memories at the same time.

WOAH TRAVIS. 

I feel so bad because Fjord seems to really be terrified of whatever is happening to him, even when some of it might be incredible and peak his curiosity, it feels like he’s just freak out. 

Also interesting to feel like maybe Fjord finds a ghost of that darkness in Caleb, perhaps what drives him to confide in him, or trust him to stop the darkness if Fjord loses his way.

Hello darkness, my old friend I've come to talk with you again Because a vision softly creeping Left its seeds while I was sleeping And the vision that was planted in my brain Still remains Within the sound of silence

“Left its seed while I was sleeping” is such an on-point way to put the way Fjord is shaken by this visions, mulling over them when he wakes, trying to figure them out. After every dream, you can see his stance shift slightly as he tries to adapt to whatever new knowledge he acquired.

5. How Far I’ll Go by Auliʻi Cravalho

Let’s be honest – this is totally Fjord. Plus, you bitches were kidding yourself if you thought some musical numbers weren’t going in this playlist. Also, Disney.

FJORD IS A DISNEY PRINCE CONFIRMED. 

Travis is a dork, also confirmed. 

For real, though, I feel like this song captures Fjord’s excitement with his new life. He’s constantly pushing to see how far he can take his powers. For the first time, he probably feels there’s a chance that he will be someone, that he will “go to distance” (sorry not sorry). The world is no longer an island for Fjord, it extends beyond the horizon and he’s hungry (also not sorry) to see and experience it all.

Every turn I take, every trail I track Every path I make, every road leads back To the place I know, where I can not go, where I long to be

See the line where the sky meets the sea? It calls me And no one knows, how far it goes If the wind in my sail on the sea stays behind me One day I'll know, if I go there's just no telling how far I'll go

Also, for the first time in the list, this song is so full of hope for big and good things. I’m all here for this. LET FJORD ENJOY HIS NEW LIFE AFTER A LIFE TIME OF SUFFERING AND LOSS. PLEASE.

6. Heathens by Twenty One Pilots

We’re going to get each other killed. Who’s in charge of this ragtag bunch of misfits and criminals? And if no one is in charge, does anyone know what we’re doing? Pretty sure the answer is “no.” One thing is for sure, it’s best for the common stranger to mind their manners when addressing The Mighty Nein. Unless it’s a kind word, best keep your thoughts to yourself and move along, amigo.

I laughed so damn hard when I read this because that’s such an ON POINT definition of the M9. 

Group of Heathens? Check. Gonna get each other killed? Check. Who tf is in charge? Check. 

However, it also shed light in the idea that the M9 are dangerous and better not be crossed. It almost sounds like Fjord enjoys that. Can you blame him, after being through hell? To have a group of people where he feels like he has some power, that he can earn respect, that he can defend himself and those he loves? Unless it’s a kind word, best keep your thoughts to yourself and move along, amigo.

Welcome to the room of people Who have rooms of people that they loved one day Docked away Just because we check the guns at the door Doesn't mean our brains will change from hand grenades You're lovin' on the psychopath sitting next to you You're lovin' on the murderer sitting next to you You'll think, "How'd I get here, sitting next to you?" But after all I've said, please don't forget

All my friends are heathens, take it slow Wait for them to ask you who you know Please don't make any sudden moves You don't know the half of the abuse

YOU DON’T KNOW THE HALF OF THE ABUSE.

There’s a very strong sense in this song of “even if the world is against us we look after each other” and I love that mindset for this little group of disasters.

7. Overburdened by Disturbed

The weight of Fjord’s responsibilities weigh on him constantly. New powers, new mission, new friends, new crew. The last time he felt this comfortable, everything was ripped away from him — violently. He feels like the waves may be breaking over his head, and struggling to catch his breath he must keep a calm demeanor and steady hand — and push on.

We all know Fjord has been in over his head but it’s nice to see Travis put it so clearly. I think it’s also interesting to be reminded that most of Fjord’s calm and in control demeanor is just a front to hide his doubts and fears. The best example for that? The whole thing with Avantika and how some of the M9 (and the fandom) feared some of that was for real when his goal has always EXPLICITLY been to protect his friends.

Hell is still overburdened I must stand and wait in line Hell is still overburdened How have I been so determined maligned?

There’s the closing of the curtain In the play that was my life Countless chapter’s left unopened, tragedies inside I was fighting for a reason Holy blessed homicide Seems I have committed treason All I’ve sacrificed

In the end, though, he walks a thin line and falling over to the wrong side is all too easy.

8. Pray For Me by The Weekend, Kendrick Lamar

How dope was the Black Panther soundtrack? Fjord feels strange and exciting powers surging within him, and as much as he wants to push the envelope of what he’s capable of, he must rely on those he’s closest with to check him, to keep him grounded — or he might lose more than just his sense of self.

That’s such a good way of putting it. If Fjord dares push for this powers and chase his curiosities at all, it’s probably bevause he’s counting on the M9 to tell him when he goes too far.

I’m always ready for a war again Go down that road again It’s all the same I’m always ready to take a life again You know I’ll ride again It’s all the same (ooh, ooh, ooh) Tell me who’s gon’ save me from myself When this life is all I know Tell me who’s gon’ save me from this hell Without you, I’m all alone

I just really love the idea that Fjord is willing to go as far as it takes to survive, to neverbbe powerless again, to protect himself. That he is always ready to do what it takes… And that’s what he needs true saving from. Himself.

When Travis talks about Fjord losing more than his sense of self, I suspect he means his new friends. He’s afraid to lose their trust, and that might just be the thing that keeps him from risking too much. It does well to have something to lose, something worth protecting even over our own desires.

Without you, I’m all alone.

9.Sunflower by Post Malone & Swae Lee

It’s easy to let all of life’s shit get you down — and sometimes, you need only look as close as your friends. Watching Jester move through life with boundless exuberance is contagious.

YOU KNOW I’M GONNA MAKE A WHOLE ASS POST ABOUT THIS PARTICULAR SONG RIGHT?

So I’m not gonna go too hard om the shipper feels right now. Not too much, anyway.

Just let me get emotional about Jester being Fjord’s literal beacon of light in all this darkness, in him being pulled along with her happiness and shenanigans, loving her pranks and silliness… As much as Fjord got a sense of self amd belonging with Vandran and his crew, did he ever have a true friend that could lift his spirits like this before?

Every time I’m leavin’ on ya You don’t make it easy, no, no Wish I could be there for ya Give me a reason to go Every time I’m walkin’ out I can hear you tellin’ me to turn around Fightin’ for my trust and you won’t back down Even if we gotta risk it all right now, oh

I think this is so important, both in light of what we mentioned earlier and in Fjord’s current arc. Jester constantly pulling him back in when he goes too far, not giving up on him, making him wish he was better and that he could protect her too.

They look after each other.

I’m fine.

ALSO JUST LET ME SCREAM ABOUT TRAVIS ADDING A WHOLE SONG JUST FOR JESTER FOR A WHOLE MINUTE BECAUSE I’M FEELING SO BLESSED AND VALIDATED. SHE IS SO DAMN IMPORTANT TO HIM.

10.Unsteady (Elrich Lee Gravity Remix) by X Ambassadors

A chain is only as strong as its weakest link. And looking around at the people that now surround him, Fjord feels like they are building an increasingly strong chain.

Listen, Fjord my boy is already so attached and dependent of his friends and feels so much stronger and steadier thanks to them after a lifetime of fear and rejection. I’m so emotional.

Mama, come here Approach, appear Daddy, I’m alone ‘Cause this house don’t feel like home If you love me, don’t let go If you love me, don’t let go Hold Hold on Hold on to me 'Cause I’m a little unsteady A little unsteady

DON’T YOU DARE LET GO OF HIM YOU GUYS HE NEEDS YOU SO MUCH.

11. Ocean (feat. Khalid) by Martin Garrix

Feeling cautiously optimistic about his future, he finds himself in awe of his adventuring crew. That’s a new emotion and outlook for him, and he feels truly bound and responsible for these crazy people.

THIS IS A LOVE SONG TO THE M9.

THAT’S IT.

HE LOVES THIS CREW SO MUCH. HE’S REALLY TRYING TO DO HIS BEST BY THEM.

I will physically fight anyone who dares doubt of this good boy again. He’s been alone his whole life. He finally found a family and he will do anything for them. They are the best thing that has ever happened to him.

If we’re caught in a wave, I will carry you over It don’t matter where you are, I’ll run to your front door When my head goes in different directions You know my heart’s never on the move And in the dark times, you don’t have to question If I’m a hundred with you

You could put an ocean between our love, love, love It won’t keep us apart You could build a wall, I would run it up, up, up Just to get to your heart If we’re caught in a wave Baby, we’ll make a way You could put an ocean between our love, love, love It won’t keep us apart

LISTEN. I’M JUST

SO

EMOTIONAL

12.Warriors by Imagine Dragons

Half the shit Fjord has seen since joining up with The Mighty Nein would normally have sent him running. But ya best know, The Mighty Nein are no joke. These fighters are bound to him, and he to them —and no one is taking away this new world he has found.

LET HIM FEEL BRAVE.

LET HIM FEEL HOPEFUL.

LET HIM FEEL POWERFUL.

LET HIM FEEL LOVED.

LET HIM FIND STRENGTH IN HIS FRIENDS.

In youth you’d lay Awake at night and scheme Of all the things that you would change But it was just a dream!

Here we are, don’t turn away now, We are the warriors that built this town Here we are, don’t turn away now We are the warriors that built this town From dust.

This is so on point and I love how much Fjord enjoys being a part of this group of powerful warriors and how protective of this he is. This is his life and he will do anything it takes to live it and keep it by any mean necessary.

“and no one is taking away this new world he has found” is such an interesting perspective about how Fjord thinks and why he’s sometimes willing to go to even dark lengths to get what he or his friends want. This is a possessive and protective statement coming from a man who already had everything he held dear ripped away from him once, who had lost and suffered too much… He won’t let that happen again.

[pepprs]

[DONT RB] ok so there’s no way for me to talk abt this that isn’t gonna make me look like an absolute dumbass but im in the middle of a creative existential crisis and i rly need help figuring it out :•( this is gonna get SUPER LONG so im putting it under a readmore. thank u to anyone who reads this!!! and double thank u to anyone who can give some input / advice, i rly rly appreciate it. im sorry abt the length!

aight so for some background.... ive been drawing n writing poetry for abt 5 yrs now and both of those things r rly important to me. in school im an english major w a creative writing minor (for the poetry) and i work as a graphic designer (for the art) so ive been growing a lot as an artist and writer esp in the past 2 yrs and im kinda workin towards one or the other (or ideally both somehow!) as a career. one of the biggest dreams ive had since i started seriously pursuing both of these hobbies 5 yrs ago is to publish a book of poetry that i design / illustrate myself, and also to have a portfolio online where ppl can read all of my poetry and see all of my artwork (both professional / work stuff but also archives of all of my sketchbooks since those r rly important to me!!!) and maybe even make some sort of online shop where ppl can buy my art (stickers, keychains, etc!) and my poetry books!

that sounds pretty simple right? WRONG!!!!!! why? bc im a fucking idiot! and there are several dumb things i do that make this dream completely impossible for me to achieve! love that for me!

so for starters... ive been posting (almost) all of my art and ALL of my poetry online for all 5 yrs ive been creating it. that’s bad because:

ive hardly ever used my real name (which i would want to use for the book / shop / portfolio), it’s been under my usernames / aliases that go along w them (p*pe, pep, pea, etc and related usernames that shall not be mentioned) and i started going by my real first name only abt a yr ago, but still maintain those usernames for the most part in conjunction w my real name

my work has been primarily been posted to d*viantart and tumblr which aren’t exactly the most uh... professional places to do that. not that there rly are many i guess lmao but still

my online persona on these platforms is rly like. lax and loose which is Cool And Quirky when brought into a professional setting if it’s done right i guess.... but im just immature and unprofessional. i swear all the time, i shitpost constantly, im incessantly tmi? and that’s not even it like it’s just a whole mess!

SO there’s that whole set of problems and like im just concerned because... i stopped posting art online last yr for the most part and a lot of the old stuff that’s on dA (since that was rly where i did it most) is bad and not worth sharing like that anyways, so im not as worried abt that. but my poetry.... i still actively post that online in all my messiness and candidness here and like. it’s rly not that hard to find me? like if u copy a poem of mine and put it in google it’ll pull up my dA right away! and that’s like.... GOD i just am embarrassed for anyone irl to see that or for that to be connected with my irl / professional self in the future, but i don’t want to stop posting my work there (or here!!!!!) bc the community is so supportive and ive made some rly good connections / built a lot of traction over the 5 yrs ive been doing it. (PLUS for the online portfolio i wanna do specifically... i kinda want to post all of my art and poetry there, like everything ive ever done (specifically poetry, ive written almost 500 poems over the 5 yrs ive been doing it!), but i feel like that’s not rly the most professional thing to do and idk how to even gauge whether it is or not :-/)

but that’s not all!!!! because there’s another part to this and that is: the very nature of the content i produce is Not Good! for my art it’s not as much of a problem bc since I work as an artist rn a lot of what i make is professional, but for my personal art... a lot of that is either self portraits or my characters and a lot of my characters are like. animals. like specifically pepe (who is basically Me As A Cat).... i draw her constantly and so much of my best work is of her but it’s just like? embarrassing i guess for my ocs to take up so much of my portfolio and sketchbooks and stuff and share that. like i know everyone has characters and it’s not bad to do that and share that but i feel like ppl will judge me :-( so it’s made me rly hesitant to post stuff to my art ig for example bc i just don’t fucking know how to act, like it’s bad enough that i can’t type the way i want to and i have to type in proper caps n whatever instead bc irls i don’t know / trust as well follow me (including some ppl from work? Yikes?)....... but i feel like i can’t share my sketchbook stuff for example bc it’s all cats and my characters and visual shitposts and im uncomfy to share that bc like... im almost 20 and i don’t want ppl to think im immature or whatever? i kno i should feel like it’s my account and i can post wot i want but like. i fucking can’t bro i just can’t!!

and THEN.... my poetry. that’s the biggie bc like for my art? even tho im uncomfortable i don’t mind sharing that w ppl i know irl but for my POETRY.... it’s very easy to find like where i share that i guess? (the google thing i mentioned earlier but also its linked to my art on here and dA too... f) but i literally never actively share my writing w irl ppl unless im performing @ an open mic or workshopping in class bc im fucking terrified of the possibility of irl ppl finding my poetry. it’s almost ironic how public ive been w it online but how private i am abt it irl... it’s like im living a double life and it’s fucking terrible but it’s the only way i feel safe. bc like art is what i do for other ppl and also to destress and vent when i need a quick fix on my own time. but poetry.... that’s personal, it’s where i feel most like myself, it’s how i talk abt my life and ppl in it and make meaning of things and talk abt things authentically and Get Deep. and my literal worst nightmare is for ppl (who have the explicit ability to by virtue of Knowing Me) to read into it and Understand what im talking abt and have that power over me and see me differently for feeling the way i do or doing what i do. ive actually already been burned by this before after my mom read some work of mine that had been published irl (i don’t want to get too into it but basically i retroactively outed myself thru her reading that poem for what it was and it was Very Very Bad) and as paranoid abt it as i was before, it’s even worse now that it’s actually happened to me and could happen again at any time, esp if i decide to take my work further.

that manifests in a few ways too, like my writing is so cryptic and vague and very heavy on metaphors / symbolism and shit partially out of that deep fear and need to shield myself and my work. sometimes in spaces where i do feel comfy sharing, ppl have a hard time understanding my poetry unless i give context. online and on stage and in workshop ppl don’t rly know me outside of a context where the only thing we have in common is self expression thru poetry, so i don’t rly mind sharing more when it’s appropriate. but if i were to share my work as a book or w/e, ppl im close to (who maybe don’t always think like a poet / artist does bc they aren’t that) would want to buy it and read it and might ask abt what it means and i don’t even know what i would do in that situation. and if ppl were to read my work and see themselves / others in it, whether it is abt them or not, im scared it could genuinely damage relationships like it did with my mom.

SO UH.... idk where im going w this rly, i kno it’s long and rambly and melodramatic and im probably overthinking it and making a mountain out of a molehill and nobody even knows / cares abt me AND my work @ the same time enough to read That Deep into it. but it just fucking sucks that im so uncomfortable and insecure that i can’t comfortably fulfill literally the one single long term goal / life dream that i have. andthe thing that sucks is i can’t talk to Anybody abt this except like... my sister and brother bc they’re the only ppl i genuinely tell everything to, but they don’t have the knowledge and expertise abt art / poetry that like... my poetry prof does, for example. and my poetry prof is one of the best ppl ive ever met and the Only person ive ever met irl who respects and understands my poetry in the exact way i need someone to. she and i have been talking and she rly wants to help me publish my poetry bc she sees merit in my work and knows how bad i want to / how successful it’s been already, but i don’t know how to talk abt this to her bc im embarrassed to tell her abt posting online and being ashamed abt my muses and all that and it just!!! sucks so much bc i kinda want to publish my work @ least once before i graduate and do it semi regularly for the rest of my life? but there’s so much in my way and it’s just! FGGFHDGJGGGG

[arabella111]

I'm trying to express my desired face until tomorrow, because my classes are back, but to be honest, I'm afraid I won't get any advice?

you don’t have to be afraid. just know you’ll get your desired face. don’t think about the “how”. you want it? then nothing can stop you. believe in yourself, you’re literally god. gods don’t get afraid of shit. you have your desired face rn, even if you don’t see it. keep persisting and just know you have it. affirm stuffs like “i have my desired face and i look so pretty with it, everybody at school will literally be in shock” if that helps, don’t overthink sm. you create your reality. know your power, it is really easy, you’ve been manifesting your whole life, manifesting df is literally the easiest thing. you just gotta believe and know you have it. nothing can stop you. claim your desire <33