#Man. If this had happened 2 years or 1 and a half years ago - I'd be absolutely BUZZING about that OC/DG interaction

[whysamwhy123]

.

[joonsytip]

Withering for You || Seungcheol - Epilogue

Pairings: Seungcheol x Fem!Reader

Genre: Angst, Fluff, Smut, CEO! Seungcheol au, Husband! Seungcheol au, Wife! Reader au, Music Teacher! Reader au, Arranged Marriage au, College Sweetheart au, Exes to Lovers au

Synopsis: When you are arranged married to the man, whose heart you had broken years ago, even dreaming about mending things seems next to impossible when he has been holding grudge for all these only to return it to you tenfold.

Warnings (specific to this part): tears, profanities, everyone is hurt and sad, mention of alcohol consumption, lovesickness, healing, friendly threats, suggestive

Word Count: 5.7k

Banner credits to my baby @hoeforhao <3

[ SVT Masterlist ] [ SVT Flick - Fic Masterlist ]

Teaser | Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Epilogue

You're enjoying the peace and calmness that moving to a different country has brought within. It has been half a year since your divorce with Seungcheol had been settled, been four months of you making a decision seemingly best for you by moving out.

Both you and Seungkwan had wanted to open several branches of your academy all around the world because you both believed that music transcends barriers and connects souls.

Though your motive while shifting was a break from everything but it also resoluted to build another branch rooted to Melodease.

You are busy nowadays, given you've to overlook the purchase and legal matters, start taking care of the design, contract and staffing. Seungkwan has offered to come over and share the workload but you're always the one to brush it off. Because keeping yourself busy is the only way to not overthink about that one person whom you wanted to spend the rest of life but apparently it was too much of an ask.

The divorce, you had tried everything to withdraw it but you should have known, it was Seungcheol who wanted for it to happen at any cost. So eventually you succumbed to his stubbornness. He wasn't even willing to face you, making it impossible for you to reach out to him so you couldn't quite recollect when was the last time you saw him. All you could remember is he never again made an eye contact with you, since he left your house that fateful night.

A rift has been created between you and your friends. You were so mad at all of them for making Seungcheol aware of the bitter past that you've been hiding. They got earfuls from you whenever they breathed in your direction. You had stopped humouring them, even going as far as to inform them about your departure just two days before. A huge fuss was caused by Mingyu and Eunsoo while Seungkwan and Wonwoo blamed themselves quietly.

When Wonwoo had arrived at your doorstep the night before your departure to apologise and ask you to reconsider your decision, you in turn had assigned him a task which you couldn't do yourself.

Your parents visit you from time to time and it's your brother who crashes at your place the most because though everyone hesitates, he's the only one who doesn't lend an ear to your protests.

"It's been half a year, don't you think you should let loose and forgive those four.", Chan voices out distressed as he once again sees the string of texts and voice messages he received in the group chat he was suddenly added to one day just so your friends could get updates of you.

"You don't understand Chan. It was not their decision to make. You don't think I could have told Seungcheol if I wanted to?", you sit down frowning, "We did end up getting divorced after all. And even though I'd have dealt with my career, I don't know how he is doing on his own because now he would neither even confide in his family and nor he has many friends. It has become a fight against his family, against the people he cherished the most."

Chan understands your friends but most importantly he understands you, he nods and sighs, "There's something I haven't told you."

"Did Seungcheol come and apologize to you, mom and dad after I left?", you say giving a small smile.

Chan is flabbergasted, "How did you know?"

"I just guessed. I knew he'd come someday, it's only after I left. Wish I could have just gotten a glimpse of him before coming here. Why do I miss him?", you say suddenly fanning your face and look up trying to blink away the tears. Chan observes you silently.

Your heart still beats for Seungcheol.

Seungcheol rubs the wedding band which sits on his finger, lost in thoughts he then proceeds to caress the other wedding band the one he wears in a chain, which is also yours.

In the last few months, he solely focused on destroying Jiah. He went on to dig her past and accumulate every malicious deed, hurtful comments or poor gestures done by her throughout her life including all her flings. If it would have been earlier he would have had a hard time believing it all but not anymore. After gathering every possible bit, he made his PR team to work overtime to destroy her image. Each day new articles would resurface by random journalists on several platforms.

"I'm sorry, Cheol", Jiah cries at his feet, hands clasped, begging, "Please please just stop, I'm ruined."

Seungcheol laughs completely apathetic, "This has just begun. I'll bring you on the streets. I make you cry tears of blood."

Jiah looks him at horrified, "I'm begging you, we are best friends Cheol--"

Seungcheol burns at her words, "Since you showed me how best of a friend you are, it's my turn to show how great I can be. I won't stop until you dread hearing my name, until you regret what you've done. Hell, you've just heard of it, I'll make you live in it."

"I'll do anything you want, I'll apologise to Y/N please spare me.", Jiah continues to beg.

"Don't you dare utter her name with your filthy mouth. For the tears you made her cry, I'll make you cry tenfold. If you think there's gonna be an end to it, no, you'd suffer till your consciousness stays with you."

Then he makes the security drag her out of the building, onto the road.

Using her now completely ruined image, he pulled all cards to ruin off her father's company. Though he felt bad for her parents but they should have raised their daughter well and since they didn't it fell on their plate as well. That's what he had said to her father when he had the business go bankrupt.

Seungcheol doesn't stop here, he's still finding ways to put Jiah behind the bars, and if concrete proof doesn't knock on his door, he has his mind set on creating a whole new room of miseries for his said best friend.

But nothing he does gives him a sense of fulfillment. He's empty, heartbroken and a looser in love. Every time he remembers the way he had treated you, the schemes he had plotted against you, the venomous words he had said to you and the hatred he harboured towards you, they make him wanna disappear from the face of earth.

His parents don't get to see him, there's no monthly family dinner at the Choi's anymore.

Seungcheol who wanted to have you as his in all of the lifetimes, doesn't dare to make such a wish anymore. He has failed you, so he accepts the fact that you deserve the best. Someone who's not him. Someone who gives you all the smiles and none of the tears.

The wedding gown which you left untouched in his closet when you had moved out, Seungcheol walks in every night just to hold the garment. He imagines you in it and hugs it to his chest pouring his heart out. Each night  the empty house echoes his cries. The composition you had gifted him on his birthday, he plays it everyday while reminiscing the times he has got to spend with you.

His heart only beats for you.

"You are in love with your ex husband who's in love with you as well? I still don't get why you both are divorced."

You roll your eyes and walk past Jihoon who doesn't bother to follow behind because you'd be able to hear him anyways.

"Make it make sense, from what I heard...", his brows quirk up and nods at himself, "The bigshot Choi Seungcheol is being unnecessarily dramatic when you both can now live happily ever after."

You throw him a glare, "Don't you dare call him dramatic. He's in a rough spot and going through hell. But since he's stubborn and won't listen to anyone, we'll both keep wallowing in pity."

Jihoon gives you a look, "At least you're sensible. Anyways, you'd always see a DND board on my cabin's door. So please don't hesitate to get lost and not show your face to me."

You're neither surprised nor disappointed.

Lee Jihoon is a prodigal producer who's renowned around the world for his compositions. He can play every instrument in and out (claimed by people) specialising in Violin. You and Seungkwan had been eyeing him since long for managing your academy and it took you a lot of effort and determination to be able to rope him in. The man is always snappy and unfiltered. He knows he ain't people pleaser thus, he likes his space and doesn't allow interference. You just have to trust and leave the rest up to him and it'll be all taken care of.

Surprisingly, he knew you as well and though he would never admit, you're guessing the only reason he agreed to manage the new branch because as an artist he felt violated with your supposed plagiarism case. That he empathizes with you.

You don't usually go around sharing your personal life with everyone but with Jihoon it came in candid. Gradually, he came to know about you and you about him. The man is a feline who can differentiate good from bad. So after pulling many late nights and over many drinks, you both have become comfortable with each other. So comfortable that he treats you as his errand woman and every time you dare to protest he threatens to breach the contract because as he brags he has money. That annoying mf--

Jihoon knows he shouldn't be nosy but also he couldn't turn a blind eye to how you cry every time you get wasted. How whenever you bring up your husband there's an abyss of longing in your eyes. Though you're diligent and pushing yourself hard, your mind always reels back to him.

"It's your birthday next week, what do you want?", Jihoon asks and tuts instantly, "Except for Seungcheol, I can't give you him."

"Nothing.", you state blatantly, "Just stay with the academy."

"Nevermind, trying to give you Seungcheol sounds easier.", Jihoon jokes and the cushion he receives on his face isn't uncalled for.

Nobody is as distressed as Mingyu. He hasn't seen you in months, you don't talk to him like before. He feels guilty. He shouldn't have involved himself in your matters when he knew why you tried so hard to cover the truth. He regrets urging Eunsoo to confess to Wonwoo because even though she presses that she's fine and masters at hiding her feelings whenever in the same room as Wonwoo, he knows she isn't exactly doing well. It's been quite a time and neither you nor Eunsoo are doing well. Not like Wonwoo or Seungcheol are doing any better.

So he thinks it's only the doable, he needs to take the matters into his hands, if not alone atleast with Chan and Seungkwan. It might try to fix things one last time, with no expectations, no agendas of his own.

When Chan asked Mingyu to accompany him somewhere, he found it odd but agreed nonetheless.

His face changes when he finds himself infront of Seungcheol's house.

"If you see any tendencies of violence in my speech or body language just hold me back. I don't wanna beat Seungcheol but actually I do wanna beat him.", Chan says as they enter the house.

Mingyu is already breaking in cold sweat and the only accountable relief is Wonwoo's presence. When they see Seungcheol, both Chan and Mingyu are shocked at his state. He looks sick and tired.

"Are you okay?", Mingyu asks and Seungcheol nods. That's when his eyes falls behind and he sees the large wedding picture frame hung on the wall. His eyes linger further and he sees how on every wall there are pictures of you, or you and him.

Chan witnesses that Seungcheol's doing as bad as you, maybe worse. Seungcheol has not been able to meet his eyes since he knew about the past like now, his eyes are down in shame.

"Look at me", Chan says calmly, "You don't have to be ashamed of something you have never taken part in."

"But my father did.", Seungcheol whispers, "I can't forgive myself about how I treated you all and her when all you did was protect me."

"You are not doing fine neither she is.", Mingyu adds, "What's the point of seperation when you both love each other?"

"She cries everyday because of you. Regrets wanting to be selfish and marry you because you're suffering. She blames herself for everything to the point that she isolated herself from her family, friends and her academy. She's alone off to a faraway place where if an emergency occurs the fastest we can get to her would be after a 10 hour journey.", Chan doesn't usually breaks but his voice cracks, "It's so hard to see her being hard on herself. The breakup in the past must have been hard on you, but for her it was worst. I shouldn't be disclosing this but it took her a lot of therapy sessions to get out of depression. It was arduous for all of us because as you know she's the life of our family, the academy and her friends circle."

Seungcheol listens to your brother wide, teary eyed. He feels as if he's in a whirlwind.

"When I don't have any grudge against you, Y/N wants to be with you the why are you making all of our lives miserable?", Chan speaks with frustration, "You still have chamce to make things right. Don't choose to be a victim to the circumstances once again and let the love of your life go. You both have defied the odds and been together so why complicate things when there could be happily ever after waiting for you both."

"Do I deserve--"

Seungcheol haults in track, scared when he sees Mingyu seething and fisting his hands.

"Stop being a crybaby and own up. You caused a lot of damage to Y/N and you should make it up to her.", Mingyu says through his gritted teeth, "Stop trying to run away. That woman has been suffering for years just because of your family and you. She's a saint for being so understanding and patient, always putting everyone above herself. Though she'd never admit, we all know that she went away just not to be a bother for anyone, specially you. I'll beat you to a pulp if you suck up one more time. Fucking coward!"

Tables turned, now it's Chan and Wonwoo who are holding Mingyu back because Mingyu himself has the patience of Saint so when he gets worked up, things get out of control.

In the midst of all this, Mingyu throws a glare at Wonwoo as well and that's when the later unhands him and steps back.

"Do you lack common sense? What's the point of hanging her pictures and playing her compositions when after all this, she's waiting with her hands open but you won't go.", Mingyu keeps on scolding, "Why do we have to come and speak sense into your mind when you're an adult with much developed brain, developed enough to plot things to ruin someone's career?"

Six pairs of wide eyes falls on Mingyu. Seungcheol thinks hell has come in form of the buff guy infront of him. Chan thinks it's so cool of the same buff guy. Wonwoo thinks in near future he'll be facing the same fate as Seungcheol's facing today.

When Chan and Mingyu leave, Wonwoo stays behind. He quietly places a box on the table.

Before Seungcheol could enquire, he answers, "Y/N had requested me to give you this box on her birthday. Though I don't know what it contains but I do have a feeling that there won't be any more appropriate time to hand this over. I should have given it to you earlier."

After Wonwoo leaves, Seungcheol exhales sharply as his hands gently caress the box and carefully opens it.

There's a letter that sits atop. He opens the thread tied around it and starts reading.

Hey Cherry,

I couldn't help but call you that, sorry if it made you uncomfortable. If you're reading this, then it's probably my birthday today. I'll make my birthday wishes later but here's a return gift for you. This box is an ode to you, to commemorate your love because enough we didn't get our happy ending, I could live the rest of my life reminiscing the moments we spent, the love we shared together.

Now let me show you what our love meant through my eyes. There should be a sweater inside the box, take that out.

Seungcheol immediately takes out the red crochet sweater and traces over the garment and the wordings on it. He then goes back reading the letter.

Remember when we were dating, I had grown an interest on crocheting and took classes. I had woven this sweater for you. It says "Mon Amour", which means my love in French another outcome of the music lessons I was taking from the French teacher. Never got a chance to give you this and now that you've grown big muscles, it won't fit you. You can give it or throw it.

Now you'd see a pile of vinyls. Since you've always encouraged me to pursue my passion, you became the source of my inspiration. There are 26 vinyls and each of those compositions were inspired by you. Some were composed when we were dating, some after our breakup, throughout the span of seven years and some while we were still married. I thought of returning these to their owner in true sense. These came straight out of my vault. You can keep them or burn all of them.

Seungcheol takes out the vinyls and rearranges all of them in the order of the dates written on them. He notices each Vinyl cover had a colour of it's own and each one was addressed to his name in your handwriting.

You've always loved Tulips. Remember each time I bought you those, how you'd end up getting sad because they'd wilt? So I gathered every colour I could and preserved it for you. There's a flap in which I've kept the Tulips. Don't get sad anymore, they'll stay with you now.

The rest are random things I had brought on whim either because I thought you'd like them or it reminded me of you and they may not make any sense to you.

Seungcheol notices the spilled ink in many places, blurring the words, as the letter reaches it's end because of the tears those fell down while you wrote the letter.

Nostalgic isn't it? So now that we're closing in, I'd like to say a few things to you. I don't blame you for happened in the past, nor does my family. As things turned out, we didn't end up together. But I don't want you to become a stranger whose laugh I could recognize anywhere. Let's not be that (only if you're comfortable enough to acknowledge me if we ever cross paths again).

As I said, even though it's my birthday I'll make a wish for you, make sure to fulfil it. Not request but it's a demand from your ex-wife. I wish you would move on from all the sufferings and pain. You should move on from me, from us. I wish for you to fall in love again with someone who'd keep you happy and bring back the liveliness in you. I admit it would hurt me, a lot but it'd mean nothing if you'd be well.

Never hesitate to come and find me, even if it's just for a brief moment. I'm always available for you. Also, just to remind you, don't you feel lonely, remember my friends are yours as well. Do disturb them at your will, most they'll do is throw tantrums but they're nice I promise. I love you, will always do. But you, move on okay? So that's all I guess. Sorry took too much of your time. Take care of yourself.

From,

Your Cherry (for one last time, promise)

Seungcheol is bawling his eyes out, screaming in pain as he reads your letter again and again, occasionally holding it close to his chest.

There's only one question that reels in his mind. How could you love him so selflessly?

You didn't expect much on your birthday but with all your friends and family travelling hours long, jamming up your place just to celebrate your day, it feels nice.

"Jihoon arranged the cake, but since Y/N wanted the party to be held in here he cancelled the venue.", Seungkwan states as a matter of fact, "Thank God, he's here otherwise my lifeline would have receded to half worrying about her."

All of your friends look at you happily chatting with your parents.

"Thanks Jihoon.", Eunsoo expresses her sincere gratitude, "I'm so relieved that she has you. She still hasn't forgiven us and knowing how private she tends to be, it's nice that she at least has you."

"We all feel the same.", Wonwoo assures and Eunsoo side eyes him as she shifts further away from him, changing seats.

Jihoon smiles genuinely, "Y/N is a great person to have around you so gradually you'd be willing to reciprocate the efforts."

"Good things, happen to good people but why is she suffering?", Mingyu sighs, chugging the can of bear, "She says she's mad at me, but she bought me my favourite limited edition watch when I was still recovering from the ligament injury."

"Yeah same, she checks on me throughout the day and night whenever I am going through a rough patch.", Eunsoo adds, "Even asked me to come and stay with her to take my mind off", she looks at Wonwoo, "things."

"Yeah, we may not always talk like we did before but she still cares the same.", Seungkwan says, "It's her nature, she can't do anything about it."

"Something good should happen to her soon.", Jihoon implies as he twirls the can in his hands.

The night goes on with you spending time with your dearest ones and catching up with everyone.

"Thanks for coming everyone.", you say making a toast, "I haven't felt this good lately. Y'all made my day really special."

At some point it's a mess, you're chasing Mingyu, who's screaming for his life because he smashed a big chunk of cake on your face. Eunsoo is eating off Jihoon's ears because she wants to hear him play Violin. Wonwoo doesn't like it a bit but there's nothing he can do apart from glaring at Jihoon. Seungkwan and Chan are debating over something useless, everyone is sure that next they're gonna fight each other to impose their point. Your parents look at all of you with a fond smile on their faces.

It's an hour till midnight when everyone decides to leave for the hotel they've been staying in. Though your friends and brother offer you help but you send them all away knowing they're still tired from such long journey.

You clean up the place and check the time before jogging down to throw the Dustin bags. All you could think of was if Seungcheol had read your letter. Doesn't matter if not today, as long as he reads it, any day is fine.

It's chilly outside as the full moon shines brightly. You stand outside not entering the gate and close your eyes to feel the breeze. It's calming, you think.

When you open your eyes after staying out for good amount of time, you think you had drunk a little too much.

"I shouldn't have drunk so much, now I'm seeing you.", you shake your head, slap your cheeks and look ahead again, "Why are you still here? Just vanish.', then you turn back to go inside the house.

"Y/N..."

You halt and say, "Now I'm hearing things also, great."

Suddenly you're being back hugged, "You're not hallucinating.", that's when you freeze, realisation gnawing on you.

Seungcheol has really come, he's physically present.

"W-What are you doing here?", you asked in your choked voice.

"I think we should have this conversation inside, only if you'll allow me to.", Seungcheol says and loosens his grip.

"Y-Yeah sure.", you don't look back, at him and walk straight into the house with him following you.

As Seungcheol takes a seat, you kick away the balloons, "Sorry, it's a mess right now.", and you flee to the kitchen to bring some slices of cake, "Have them, it's your favourite flavour."

"Happy Birthday, Y/N", he wishes you, taking the plate and you smile at him fondly.

"Have you eaten dinner?", you ask him and he shakes his head, "Came here straight from the airport."

While he eats the cake, you serve him all the dishes saying, "You should have told me that you'd come. I would have waited and we could have had the dinner together."

Seungcheol looks at you, wordless. So do you, observe him, the black hair that falls on his forehead, thick eyebrows, his brown orbs, dimpled cheeks, the small nose and stubbled chin, all of it. There's a soothing silence and you don't wanna break it.

"Y/N, there's a reason to why I came today."

You are calm, willing to listen to anything he has to offer because nothing worse can happen than what has already happened.

"I am not well without you.", he gives a small smile not meeting your gaze, "People are saying I look like a ghost nowadays, you can see it as well.", there's a pause before he looks at you and continues, "Your friends and brother have been trying hard to speak some senses into my mind. And I received the box you left for me, last week."

"But you were supposed to receive it today", you say calmly, "If my friends and family are pestering you, I'm sorry. I'd tell them to stop."

Seungcheol chuckles, shaking his head. He grabs both of your hands, "The problem isn't about me being unwell without you. The problem lies with you being more heartbroken and pained without me. You have suffered enough, you shouldn't be suffering anymore."

His hands trail gently upto your face, "And I'm here today to solve that."

You habitually lean into his touch, "Don't say something that would break my heart again, on my birthday."

"I know even without trying or repenting if I ask you to take me back, you'd do it in a heartbeat.", tears prick at his eyes as he speaks, "And now that there're no more secrets, though it's selfish of me but I want us to be together again, to live and to love forever. I want to love you right, treat you like you deserve to be treated."

You break down in tears, hiding your face in your palms, sobbing as you say, "This feels unreal. What if I'm dreaming and you'd be gone when I wake up?"

Seungcheol sniffles as he hugs you tightly, "I'm here, love. I won't go anywhere, I promise."

You snuggle closer to him, he embraces you tighter.

There are few taps on your back and you pull back only to Seungcheol making you stand up. You eyes questions him as he pecks your forehead quickly and kneels on his left knee.

Your eyes go wide as saucers as you watch him unfasten his chain and take out the ring, which you recognise is yours. He holds the ring saying, "I want to spend all of my tomorrows with you because you taught me the real meaning of love. Would you please with cherries on top, marry me?"

Not trusting your voice and with a frantic nod of head, you extend your hand towards him, onto which Seungcheol slides in the ring. You put the other ring on his finger and pull him into a fervent kiss.

Before he could take you to the bed and have you, you're pushing him away, "You haven't eaten, dinner first."

Seungcheol groans, his lips finding it's way back on your neck as he whispers, "I wanna eat you out. You're my meal, you're my dessert to devour."

You give up knowing, he's not going to listen because he's stripping you down to nothing, kissing and sucking everywhere.

"I love you, love you so much.", he keeps on murmuring, "You're mine, only mine."

Carrying you inside, he slams the bedroom door shut. All you could remember is his name and the way he worked on your whole body diligently through the night, till the morning.

"I wanna meet Lee Jihoon.", Seungcheol says during lunch, because that's when you both finally left the bed after long long sessions of love making.

But he makes you sit on his lap, "Because along with the plane ticket that I found on my office table, he had sent a card with the instructions to give it to you."

He takes out the card from his coat which was hung on the chair and gives it to you.

'Here's your birthday gift, Y/N. Told ya, giving you Seungcheol would be much easier.'

You are grinning ear to ear, "Definitely, he seems snappy but is actually quite a nice guy."

Seungcheol gulps when he remembers the other note which contained nothing but the pure threat of kidnapping, smuggling and dumping him to your house if he doesn't come here voluntarily, "Y-Yeah sure, he must be a nice guy..."

The nation is in uproar because it was such a sight to see Choi Seungcheol carrying his ex-wife in bridal style, smooching her throughout, in front of the media, till they're seen out of the airport.

Another shock comes from the musical prodigy, Lee Jihoon who returns to his roots posing as a bodyguard to the couple.

The media doesn't get to rest when a month later, both the Choi's and Lee's publish articles about your wedding to Seungcheol along with some glamourous shots from the private wedding that took place with limited guests consisting mostly closed friends and family.

Some are confused, some are shocked but more or less everyone is curious. No matter how hard the paparazzi are trying they're unable to pull tabs on what actually happened. You both are the trending topic and though all tabloids are based on pure speculations, it also shows the upper hand The Choi's have on protecting their matters.

"I have the sent the data as an anonymous to the police.", Wonwoo informs, "I'm sure it'll be concrete enough to put Jiah behind the bars."

"Great.", Seungcheol smiles, "Keep on digging, make sure once she's in, she never gets out of the prison."

Wonwoo gives a nod and leaves.

"Are you sure he like Eunsoo back?", Seungcheol turns to ask you.

"You should notice how stone cold poker faced Wonwoo starts to show emotions whenever he sees Eunsoo with Jihoon. I have caught him stealing glances at our Soo as well.", you sigh, "I know it must be hard for him, but I wish he could just be honest with his feelings."

"I'll talk to him", Seungcheol assures and as if a switch flips he pouts saying, "Why'd you have to go? We just got married."

"I'll have to look over the academy until it's fully functional.", you tell him, "Jihoon can take over after that but till then I'll have keep going back and forth. But hey, I'll be here for a month before I go, let's utilize it to the fullest."

"Of course, baby. Don't worry I'll manage my schedule so that I can be there with you for most of the time.", he pecks your lips, "I'm so proud of you. I love you."

"Love you too, Cherry.", you smile looking at him.

"Let's plan for our honeymoon--"

"Cheol, I was thinking that...", your lips purse into a line, "instead of touring, can we spend some time alone without work, just the two of us, somewhere cozy. Only if you're okay with it, I know you're busy and to take time completely off--"

You're cut off by his lips on yours. He kisses you for a good amount of time and says, "If you want it then I'll manage. Anything for you baby."

You smile pushing him away, "You're down bad.", ypj tease, "I'll have to drop by the academy, Seungkwan is waiting."

"I'll take you.", Seungcheol gets up grabbing the car keys, "I'm sure everyone is there specially Jihoon, I'm a fan."

You roll your eyes, "Yeah everyone is saying so but he's a plain pain in ass to me. Let's take Wonwoo with us.", grabbing your clutch, "I'm planning to visit Wonseok, let's go together this weekend. Also, I've informed Ms. Oh that we'd be eating out tonight."

As Seungcheol drives, your mind reels back to everything that happened over the month. Your husband proposing to you, you coming back and accepting things with his parents as they offer their earnest apologies. Though Seungcheol is still not on talking terms with them and you're yet to entirely let go of what they've done, you think time will mend the relationships.

Getting married again but this time just out of pure love. Discussions about having family, bearing his children in future comes often and you don't miss the gleam in your husband's eyes when you both talk over it casually nowadays, him always assuring that he's ready whenever you're ready. Your friends now becoming more of Seungcheol's group as they pick each other's habit and throw unfiltered banter, Jihoon included.

If years of suffering have led you to witness these days then you're content because it's all worth it.

Even though Seungcheol is engaged in a conversation with the group, he sweeps a quick glance at you, smiling fondly and mouthing a 'I Love you' before diving back just to sulk at something Mingyu claimed.

You say those words right back to him in your heart, a thousand times more as you make a wish you have him as yours in all lifetimes.

To be fully seen by somebody and be loved anyhow is a human offering that can border on miraculous. Having withered for each other and falling back in love, lucky you both to be spending the rest of your lives together.

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[allykakamatsu]

Playing XC2 if you played Torna first is a very different experience

Aka, a rough list of all my reactions to things that I shouldn't of reacted to on a first run cause I played Torna first-

(Note, I played both games for the first time years ago, this is just a recreation of my reactions.)

(Chapter 1) Aww Azurda has new adopted human and this one calls him Gramps that's adorable!

meeting new Torna for the first time Aww it's a cute Gormotti girl-! Why is Malos here-?! JIN WHY ARE YOU WITH MALOS WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?!

Okay so Malos has a blade now, checks out given that his core is probably wrecked after what Mythra did to him but I guess Aegis's can be Drivers now.

JIN WHY DID YOU STAB A CHILD WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?!?!?!

Oh, so Pyra is Mythra's new self. She seems sweet but I want my sassy girl back.

(Chapter 2) Yay Gormott! Glad to see it's not burned to the ground anymore.

If I had a nickel for every time Brighid attacked us thinking we were criminals I'd have 2 nickels. Which isn't a lot but it's funny it happened twice.

Why isn't Pyra's fire affected by the water- oh is it cause of Mythra?

Oh, so Mórag is Brighid's new driver. Should've figured that out sooner but they're a cool looking pair. Wonder where Aegeon is though.

(Chapter 3) Hey Cole's scar kinda reminds me of Minoth, wonder what happened to him.

In between my tears over what just happened MYTHRA'S BACK FUCK YEAH!!!

(Chapter 4) Addam why the hell are you wearing a cloak you weren't wearing it in that scene.

MYTHRA I GET THAT YOU'RE UPSET AND PROBABLY STILL DEPRESSED OVER MILTON I AM TOO BUT I'M SORRY!!!

Wait.... COLE WAS MINOTH?!?! Jeez man what happened? I know you said you were a failed Flesh Eater but I didn't realise that meant this...

Also Minoth man, I love you but I think old age has made you senile why the hell are you sending us to Amalthus?

get's control of Mythra YES!! And omg her specials are her old arts that's adorable!!

Oh so this is the 'Evil Tifa' I've heard people joke about- wait.... MIKHAIL?!?! MY SON?! Okay this means you survived whatever the hell Amalthus did that's good, but it's been 500 years how are you still alive regardless? Also he's evil now which is bad but at least he's with his dad Jin.

WHY ARE YOU MAKING ME FIGHT MY SON GAME?!?!?!

Okay upside, Brighid's back at least and yup she's still awesome. And her specials are her old arts too that's still adorable.

Haze my babygirl you're back-! Wait, Fan la Norne? I'm with Mythra on this one when did that happen? And why is half of your core gone?

(More under cut)

(Chapter 5) Okay yeah I'm doubly with Mythra something happened to Haze and I am concerned.

Okay I can see why Addam picked this place for the Tornan refugees this place is beautiful.

Wait, Zeke's the Prince of where? I have not heard of Tantal before, is it new or am I forgetting something? (it was in-fact, relatively new)

in the same tone of 'Dinkleberg' Amalthus..... I can't prove it yet but you're the one behind Haze's missing core aren't you?

YES!! REX!! AMALTHUS WAS MALOS'S DRIVER DON'T TRUST HIM!!

Jin, I again ask what the hell happened to you?

Empty Moment- OH GOD THAT'S HIS LEVEL 4 I DID NOT WANT TO KNOW WHAT THAT FELT LIKE AAGGHH!!

Jin what are you doing- HAZE NO!!! JIN I KNOW HAZE HATED AMALTHUS AND HE PROBABLY DID SOMETHING TO HER BUT WHY DID YOU DO THAT?!?!

after I'm finished crying Oh, hey Aegeon, was wondering when you'd show up. And that's the Emperor of Mor Ardain? Aww, he looks like an even more baby Hugo-! Wait... Hugo.... oh no.

(Chapter 6) Niall what are you doing no no no-! NOT AGAIN!!!

Okay, Nia, thank you for stopping history from repeating itself.

The Tantalese are descendent from Addam, that can't be right Addam went to Leftheria-! Zettar started this, didn't he?

No tier lists I don't care if Aegeon sucks I'm gonna use him anyway because I am biased.

'Cadet Branch of the Royal Family' Yup, Zeke is descendant from Zettar, RIP my man having to be in the same bloodline as him.

GAME WHY ARE YOU MAKING ME FIGHT MY SON AGAIN-!! WHY DOES MIKHAIL HAVE A CORE CRYSTAL?!?!

Pyra Mythra no no no you two aren't just made to destroy don't go with them no no NO!!!

(Chapter 7) Ah, so this is where Addam hid the third sword. 5 minutes of gameplay later I can see why he hid it down here, this place would drive anyone mad.

Is this what it feels like to be on the receiving end of Addam's talent art? Cause all these reinforcements have to be equivalent to being perma toppled and launched with how long this takes.

Addam drop the hood already.

Malos you fucking bastard when I get my hands on you....!! Jin you can stay but you're on think fucking ice pardon the pun.

YES!! REX GIVE THOSE GIRLS THERAPY THEY NEED IT!!!

(Chapter 8) You know, I'm pretty sure most people picked Pyra here calls Pneuma Mythra but I am not most people

YAY!! I can play as Jin again! And he is somehow even more overpowered than before!

Jin why are you lying to Brighid, she's more mature but she's otherwise the same.

Jin... ate.... oh... I should've.... figured but.... oh god.... I just thought loosing Lora messed him up but having to eat.... yeah between that and Amalthus no wonder he's like this.

Torna......

Aww, nice Jin's still in there, he let us go and told Brighid the truth.

(Rest of the game cause I love it but I forget the chapter markers) So.... um.... Jin I'm glad you were able to find love again after Lora but why did it have to be Malos? Like this is weirdly sweet but this is a weird progression.

AMALTHUS I KNEW YOU WERE THE ONE WHO MESSED WITH HAZE MALOS YOU ARE OFFICIALLY PRIORITY 2 THIS BASTARD DIES FIRST!!

Okay that's how Mikhail survived this long so I guess Amalthus was good for one thing.

No no no no no no no- MIKHAIL!!!!! Why.....?!?- Oh god they're showing the scene where he met Lora and Jin again GAME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?!?!

Okay I wanted to help Jin and stop Amalthus anyway but now I'm doing it for my baby boy.

Don't worry Jin I've got your back. THIS IS FOR LORA HAZE MIKHAIL AND EVERYONE ELSE YOU BASTARD!!!!!!

...... J... Jin...... chapter 9 is living up to it's name because I was a rainstorm of tears after this

Malos for Jin's sake I don't want to kill you anymore can you please stop- damn it!!

Never thought I'd be sad to see Malos go but, here we are.

Pyra, Mythra, what are you- no no no no NO!! POPPI I KNOW YOU'RE KEEPING YOUR PROMISE AND WE HAVE TO LEAVE BUT LET ME GO I HAVE TO SAVE THEM!!!!

bawling crying until the two come back and the tears become happy tears Heh... thank god....

[jolyneart]

This'll be a long-ish post about my The Locked Tomb themed MTG deck and how I made like 20 versions of it before I decided to build it (and how I'm still working on it).

(I want to do legit art for this card)

If you are part of the Venn diagram of these two interests, or you want to see my slow descent into madness ovear a year of trying to put cardboard together, check the spoilers below.

So, I haven't been playing Magic for too long (a bit over a year). Weirdly I have owned cards since original Ixalan, but I never bothered learning to play until a friend invited me to play commander. I just wanted them for the pretty pictures, I have always admired Magic artists and they have been a huge inspiration on my art career.

Anyways, not too long after I started to play, I got this idea into my head that I should do a Locked Tomb commander deck.

"That'd be fun!" I thought

Well

All of these are over a year old (and are not my only first attempts, but I'll talk about those later).

I had two main issues when starting to build this deck:

1- I have never been interested into deck-building before in a card game

2- I have no fucking idea of what I'm doing

The first commander I chose to lead this deck, that I still think thematically fits within TLT universe, is Ratadrabik of Urborg

This Rat of a man has given me so many headaches, I'm sure that now I'd be able to do make a half-decent deck with him in the lead, hell I do have a black/white aristocrats deck that he could command just fine.

But my issue was that I had no idea how to balance his legends theme and zombie kindred theme at the same time, in the same deck. I was just incapable. And all of my results, budget or not, were jank piles that did very little or exploded into an infinite combo with cards like Boromir, Warden of the Tower or Nazgul. It just didn't feel right and the Locked Tomb theme was barely holding on by a thread with the things I was putting in there. There were barely ANY skeletons in any of these! (this will keep happening)

Anyways, after giving up on Ratadrabik (which btw I think would make for a great Ianthe proxy) I moved on to find some other commander and color combination that'd enable something else that wasn't a pile of legendary creatures.

Queue in Varina, Lich Queen

It's a Zombie Wizard! She cares about zombies, those are kind of early skeletons! She raises the undead herself!

Well, I do think Varina is great, and in other world where I knew how to build decks back then, she might just have been my Harrow commander deck

I don't even think the decks I made for her were that bad at all, just extremely expensive. And also the zombie theme, while much better supported mechanically, I didn't feel really represented the kind of necromantic powers we see in the books at all.

Shoutout to Mikaeus, he'd make for a great Jod if anyone wants to make a deck about our lord and savior the undying emperor.

Ok, now I'm going to take a bit of a detour to talk about what I actually like playing in mtg (not just commander). I predictably really enjoy playing black and graveyard strategies, but also really love putting big idiot beaters into the field with those strategies .I know, groundbreaking. But it is what it is, two of my favourite decks do this in one way or another.

God's perfect deck, my Sauron deck, was my first precon, that has left the lands of preconstruction long ago and is my dearest possession. Is it my most powerful deck? nope. Is it unbeatable? Not really, I almost never win with this deck.

What BIG Sauron does is, in an extremely thematic way, become a problem for everyone at the table, do evil things, and have everyone beat me down for my reanimation crimes.

If you are interested, you can check out that deck here.

Anyways sorry, back to the locked tomb, SO I like the graveyard right? Wouldn't it be nice that there'd be a famous woman necromancers in mtg? What if she leaded the deck?

Well, the most that I can say is that there really can be too much of a good thing. I'm talking about swamps.

Initially I had these two running around in the Ratadrabik deck. I still stand by the idea of having these flip walkers be young Harrow/Gideon and flip them into their "First House" versions. The Gideon/Kiriona and Kytheon/Gideon thing still drives me insane.

I was too sad discarding them, so I grabbed the Lilly card and tried to make it work, I really tried, I put on a lot of effort and care. But it didn't work, it wasn't her, it was me.

I built a pretty generic aristocrat shell, but I think that type of archetype really benefits of having more colors to work with (specially white).

So, with three commanders locked in the tomb (I also tried a Gut rakdos deck but I'm not even going to talk about it), what was next? I spent months on these and still had nothing to show for it. Was I the problem? Was I cursed with bad deck dissease?

No, that cannot be. I'm building other decks while this is going on and those are doing just fine. Lae'zel//Master Chef, Gandalf Big Artifacts. The issue might be that the head of the deck is always caring for just the one thing, there was not much diversity. I kept making Necromancers but had no Cavaliers to back them up.

If there could just be a way to have two little guys up there in the command zone. Wait a minute...

So, this was truly a jank fest. Partner is an extremely strong mechanic in commander, and Tymna is specially strong as a card to have access early. So I decided to justify using these to make the biggest pile of nonsense happen.

Equipment? check. Initiative? check. Skeletons? check. Zombies? check. Graveyard? check. Lifegain? check.

While goldfishing I realized that while the commanders do a great job to sustain the rest of the deck, the ammount of themes and archetypes made this a pile of cards that I can barely call a deck. And worst of all, they enabled two pretty strong commanders, and that didn't feel that'd be satisfactory at all in actual play.

I even prepared proxies for these! Feel free to use them if you want.

Also, I tried the whole partner thing swapping out Tymna for Ikra Shidiqi. Bringing out another whole color didn't help with the theme soup I was working with.

So I wholy abandoned the idea of both partners, and maybe even making this deck.

Maybe my hopes and dreams of having a functional silly lesbians and skeletons deck were doomed (yuri) from the beginning.

Months pass, I built 3 or 4 other decks in the meantime that work, can compete and be fun, sometimes all at the same time if you'd believe it. I had completely lost faith in this deck idea.

All until one day, were I was checking out a pile of cards I had pulled from the recent MH3 set to put them into my binder. And then I see it. There he was, this fucking guy with a shovel(?), looking at me.

I read again his fairly big wall of text, what does this guy do again?

Oh, he does necromancy stuff? attacks? wait wait, he draws POWER from the GRAVEYARD?? in JUND?

He really saved it. Not only I feel this perfectly represents the dynamics of Cavalier is in charge of creating enough thanergy for their necromancer, but ALSO does the necromancer thing, and ALSO loves having like 10 power and beating down face. This was a message, the dream was still alive.

So, I make a list, I order cards, I scrounge cards from my other black decks. And there it is. It's real

The Locked Tomb Griddlehark Commander Deck

But... that's not how my list looks right now. Yeah I know this deck is cursed into being always changing I think. But, the main issue here was what I said before. It had to pull cards from multiple decks to sustain itself. And I learned quickly that I don't like having my baby, my Sauron, being not functional, and that keeping track of what cards are where and swapping them out constantly sucks tremendously.

So, I pulled back most of the cards to their original decks. What was left was a corpse, a beautiful incomplete deck. So I selected cards from my collection, lower powered ones, niche ones, weird ones, and put them in for their more powerful counterparts.

It's function is extremely simple, it fills it's graveyard quickly, ramps, and with Coram on the battlefield, you turn that self-mill into card advantage, the graveyard into a power source and bring back powerful creatures like the Resurrection Beasts (Eldrazi)

There also are skeletons in there, of course.

This deck needed to die many deaths to exist. But isn't that the theme?

I'll make sure to put up the new decklist on my moxfield whenever I get a few upgrades.

[moononmyfloor]

My Year End C-drama Review (2023)

Last year, I did two Cdrama Wrapped posts for each half of the year. This year, I watched so much stuff right away I got arrogant and was about to do a January-February summary. And then life happened and handed me my entire ass, so here we are right back on the ground zero.

Well, not exactly. I watched lots of dramas I liked this year and would like to give nods to as many as possible, and before I start forgetting details I thought I better go ahead with the entrees that I'm sure of the answers.

My initial Cdrama reviews were inspired by anniedelavoye's this post 2 years ago, I've extrapolated a lot from there but some entrees remain same.

Part 2

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1. First drama I finished in 2023

Hi Venus. Modern workplace romcom isn't my go-to-genre, least of all if the ML is a CEO. If not for the unusual-for-the-genre setup of initial few eps and the strong recommendations of my friends, I might not have pressed play at all. And I'm so glad I did because it turned out to be one of the most refreshing takes of the genre, it was funny, the pacing nor the dialogues were ever draggy, the characters were intelligent and pleasant, and down to earth. It never leaned to the tropes of helpless/badass FL or tsundere/beta ML extremes, there was no dramatic villain arcs, down to the supporting characters everyone were so reasonable and mature and simply had the nicest time ever together. Now I put it like that, it sounds boring but trust me, it wasn't. Do give it a try. Your time won't be wasted.

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2. An actor who took my breath away

Jing Boran as Lan Jue/Peizhi from The League of Nobleman

I mean

Look at him. Instant KO.

I remember watching this scene (and every scene that followed after, especially when he had his hair down) and being in disbelief about how he's real. He's literally glowing out the screen! His performance as a model scholarly minister, the way he conducted his glance, his steps, his speech and temperament were nothing but enchanting and... look, I can write poetry about him for ages lol.

And then I watched every single work I could find of him and ended up even more in love, because his resume was nothing but diverse. A measured scholar, a bubbling-out-of-his-skin social butterfly, a ballerina in a tutu, a man pregnant with the cutest radish monster ever, there's nothing he cannot play. I'm definitely going to check out every single work of him that'll be coming out in the future as well. Even if the plot fails, his character will surely be interesting.

(Also, I was FINALLY lured into DMBJ fandom thanks to going down his profile as well, and now I'm here to stay🤭)

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3. Most relatable character

Bai Moxi from Gone With the Rain

She was street-smart and sassy, but never foolhardy. She wasn't a damsel nor was overly clever. She had her moments of daydreaming, but she knew what was and wasn't reasonable. She had a high sense of self-worth, she also knew when to make herself scarce. Despite being the most outgoing and energetic personality in the room, she didn't make everything to be about herself. In fact, she couldn't have been happier to be a background supporting character of the story, quietly minding her own business in her corner. In summary, she just felt very real, and exactly like how I love my FLs. Every decision she took felt like what I'd also have done in her situation. (Btw I hope noone messages me about loving Moxi but hating her sister because I don't. I think her character also made a lot of sense based on her circumstances even though she was bit more difficult to love than Moxi.)

Most of all, she was played to a tee by Zhang Nan, the young actress was allowed to shine to her true potential in this role, as she used to be quite stereotyped in either bubbly or petty mean girl roles. The drama horribly fell apart in the latter quarter (I'd like to pretend it all ended before that Great Seperation Scene), but I'm going to remember her charaacter for a long time to come.

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4. Most inspiring character

Li Lianhua from Mysterious Lotus Casebook

The tumblr tag for MLC is already filled with Grade A+ poetry, prose and analysis dedicated to him and I'm not capable of wording it any better than them. All I can say is he really touched a vulnerable corner of my heart, and gave it strength. He's just so very admirable and represents all I ever want to be, and his entire character design and all its metaphors and philosophy especially resonate with me as a Buddhist. Like Cheng Yi said at the end of MLC concert, "At the end of the day, if you have a lotus flower in your heart that you can call your own, that's what matters."

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5. Best Couple of the Year

Lu Zhaoxi and Ye Shilan (Zeng Shunxi and Liang Jie) in Hi Venus, Zhao Jian and Yuan Zhongxin (Zhou Yutong and Zhang Xincheng) in Young Blood 2

Here are two couples who were each others' equal match in every big, small and miscellaneous ways possible. Where their roles in their partnership did not have anything to do with society-determined gender or power dynamics, not about conforming to them nor about beating them. Everything about their relationships simply had to do with what they meant to each other their admiration, respect and love towards the other person, from beginning to end. In Hi Venus, it was never uncomfortable to watch Shilan being Zhaoxi's subordinate, for he always treated her like any good superior should in any healthy professional relationship. In Young Blood 2, Zhongxin would fully trust Zhao Jian with everyone else's and his own life, not because his head was in wishful romantic clouds but because he was 100% confident in her capabilities and would never disrespect her with "girls should be protected, you stay back and let me take the sword for you" nonsense.

I may check out like 50 dramas per year and may never come by such Het pairing dynamics in some years, yknow? I do not hate on any other kind of dynamic (plus I'd have next to nothing to watch in that case lol) but, THIS... this is so rare -for me to not be icked out by not even a single second of a fictional het couple's screentime lol- hence the gushing! (Though I know I'm not doing the greatest job of phrasing what I feel😆).

Following that note, though not a couple, honorable mentions to Chufeng (Bi Wenjun) and Robin (Zhu Zhengting) from Silence of the Monster who took Sui Yi (Sun Yihan) into their home not because they thought it'd be chivalrous to help a girl, but because it's the nice thing to do as a fellow human. For continuing onto integrating her into their world with ease and enthusiasm not because any of them had feelings for her but because they simply found her a good friend to hang out with.

Suffice to say I DIG ANY relationship where gender does not come into play, like, at all (or barely, if you must).

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6. Best harem of the year

Orchid and Lotus harems (from League of Nobleman and Mysterious Lotus Casebook)

(Only sharing the pics of Orchid Harem because it was from the earlier quarter of this year, whereas pics of Lotus Harem will be everywhere in the Cdrama scene for quite a while to come lol)

The support group of devout puppies, zhijis, friends-with-benefits and all sorts of other polycule postions, all centered around one precious babygirl enigma of a man is just my jam, and I love it when it happens because it brings forth the fandom's most unhinged high-art. 😌😌😌

(ALSO ME AND WHO WHEN!😭)

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7. Best ensemble of the year

Young Blood 2, I Am Nobody

For me a perfect ensemble is where the supporting characters are just or almost nearly as engaging and thoroughly written as the main leads, you'd love every second spent on any character just as much as you love that of any other. The ultimate relaxing experience where your brain doesn't have to pick favorites and you don't have to speed watch or fast forward or be antsy about who's going to appear next because you know it's gonna be enjoyable no matter whom.

And this year, it's Young Blood 2- with its Class 7 members who were all so different but all so compelling and equally contributing to the plot, complimented by the Class 8 and the unnervingly captivating villains.

And I Am Nobody- with its extensive spread of young and old heroes/antiheroes alike, all with dramatic backstories and individual charisma that were not second to another.

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8. Favorite posters/promos of the year

Mysterious Lotus Casebook, Young Blood 2, Sunshine By My Side

Really liked what MLC did with positioning the characters on various spots of the titular Lianhua Lou, the wind-sway choices for the wisps of hair and the skirts... idk the exact angles of it all were just right for each character and their vibes and appealed to me a lot.

The blending-into-painting style poster of Young Blood was so pretty too, plus these Suoyi raincoat posters.

The comic strip posters for Sunshine were also super cute, unique and perfect for the drama's themes.

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9. Best opening credit sequence

Love You Seven Times

The drama itself was a hot mess but the opening sequence was entirely worthy of being a parallelish-universe story to Love Between Fairy and Devil without a debate. IF ONLY they put the same effort to the story itself.

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10. Favorite Prop/Set designs

A League of Nobleman- Lan Jue's Tea Pavilion, Mysterious Lotus Casebook- Lotus House

I wish I could install a fixture in my home where me and my imaginary homies can chat over tea while being seductively separated by an active stream of freshwater, while my not so elegant period-style caravan is waiting outside in the yard for more cozily cramped get-together times. 🤧

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11. Favorite lighting/color grading of the year

The Forbidden Flower, My Journey to You

The former, a kaleidoscopic explosion of colors, a celebration of fleeting life, youth, summer and nostalgia. It was a daring drama on so many fronts and nailed each of them as well, and the use of colors represented its bold soul perfectly.

The latter, a marvelous combination of mountains shrouded by mist, dark-toned wood pavilions and fur-lined robes, pale, dusty makeup with rosy lips and plump cheeks; all combined together on screen to bring a palpable ambience of a secluded glamorous hideout in a dystopian world and its ethereal residents. Seriously, how I especially loved to stare at the bride candidates in their white getups, it was like the light bounced off of the fabric to shine on their faces even more, and the skin and hair looked non-oily and baby soft. And it didn't feel over the top but convincing because the camerawork and editing conjured a believable image of an upcountry with dense and dewy forests, waterfalls and rivers, there's no sun, no heat no sweat, only cold air and pregnant humidity. OF COURSE you are going to look like THAT.

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12. A drama that taught me new things

Hi Producer

The infuriating thing about Yu Zheng's show-off genre of costume dramas is that the story may be a hit-or-miss, the "historical facts" provided in them may need to be taken with a grain of salt, but they almost always provide me with great entry points to do my own research 🥲. Most niche facts that take me by surprise and things I'd never have thought to look up on my own are randomly sprinkled all over the place and I run around like a headless chicken trying to collect them all.

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13. Most exhilarating drama/scene

Three-Body

That scene in ep 5. The entire buildup to it and the resolution. The phenomenal acting bringing forth the exact emotion and exact tension required. The moment you start to understand at least a sliver of why exactly all the characters are making this much of a fuss about what's happening to them.

I cannot spoil, not even a bit. You'd have to see for yourself.

I Am Nobody

(lol Three Body and I Am Nobody. I swear that was an unintentional coincidence!)

The great V-match between certain two characters, I can't elaborate. (See the thing about exhilarating scenes is that you have to see it for yourself what's the big deal is about lol.) I really liked how both their biggest vulnerabilities and yearnings were pulled out mercilessly in public, how they both fought themselves through each other before actualizing the philosophy of what it was all about. It was beautiful to watch visually as well.

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14. A drama location I'd love to visit

Yunnan province

I've seen glimpses of the prosperous and both naturally and culturally diverse Yunnan province through Bite of China Documentaries and Dianxi Xiaoge's vlogs, the beautiful bucolic backdrop of Meet Yourself only heightened the wish to experience it all in person.

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15. A drama that was a pleasant surprise

I Am Nobody

Perfect casting job, earnest effort from everyone involved to bring out the 2D to live action in the bestest way possible, it was like a dream come true to see a genre that was previously limited into written media like comics and fanfics (modern cultivation) as a drama even if it meant labelling all the cultivators as aliens lol

It had a lil bit of a flavor of western coming-of-age/"teen gets powers and goes on an adventure in search of their origins" stories, a bit of Japanese anime presenting style and the chaotic-gaggle-of-youth-and-veterans-with-different-extreme-powers genre vibe. And then they incorporated Chinese wuxia philosophy into it and made it their own thing. I hope to see more of this in future, and definitely a season 2!

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16. An old drama I watched in 2023

Shaolin Wendao (2017)

This is one of the best period dramas I have ever seen, but I don't recommend it unless you have a strong tolerance for angst. Like, worse than Royal Nirvana and Heroes (2022) level of angst.

HOWEVER, unlike those two, Shaolin Wendao will leave you feeling rewarded for your suffering. This drama achieved a number of things that very few other have managed to do, especially for a story with such a heavy and dark premise.

The characters remained true to their selves from beginning to the end. They grew up in various ways, at the same time remained consistent. The story made sure to make all the characters aware of their individual faults and address them.

The characters were put through immense wringer but also provided viewer with the resolution they deserved. It was SO exhilarating at times, I cried. It felt like a detox, sometimes.

They prioritized telling a realistic story about the changing nature of humans. The ending was blissful but not in the idolized, wrapped-in-a-bow-tie way one would imagine. They wanted to tell a story about tribulations and letting go, and did exactly that.

It will ignite the pain but will also make sure to thoroughly quench it. So there's that.

Oh and also, respect to all the actors. All those characters were so layered and had some quite difficult scenes. I do not understand how Guo Xiaoting didn't get any good roles matching of her caliber for years after this. She was magnificent.

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More Posts by Me

[elmundodeflor]

In the span of 10 years, Hanji writes Levi one letter for each birthday they spend together.

"12 Things I Never Told You" pays homage to his and Hanji's bond through space and time, and depicts the loving light in which they saw him.

You can read the full fic and 12 letters here, on AO3.

In the meantime, here's one of the letters for you to check out;

Levi,

When I gave you the tea-can earlier, the look on your face could have only meant two things:

1) "This must have been expensive as hell."

2) "You're batshit crazy for spending on it."

I told you, though! I wasn't gonna throw you a birthday party, but you had to expect a gift from me, at least. I like going all out!

Anyways, it was a nice surprise that you came down the lab with two mugs instead of one. And that you talked about your mother.

You told me that you had this same tea-can at home, in the Underground. And that your mom had gotten it for trade from one of her clients that lived up here. Your entire face softened when you mentioned her— how graceful she was. It was like seeing sugar melting on the stove.

Of course, I didn't ask— if she's alive, or what happened to her. I didn't mean to be intrusive. But the way you spoke in past-tense... oh, I'm sorry, Levi. I'm so, so sorry. Really. If she was anything quite like you, then I'm sure she was a wonderful woman.

To be honest, I don't know either— whether my mom's alive or not. You see, I never talk about this for a reason. I ran away from home when I was fourteen. My parents were... well, let's just say... not good people. I was mischievous, and rebellious, and asked too many questions. They most definitely did not like that.

My grandpa was the closest thing I ever had to a father, or a friend. He did die, though. He was mischievous, and rebellious, and asked as many questions as I did. I guess, back then, it not only made my parents uncomfortable, but the Military Police as well...

It was the reason I joined the Survey Corps, you know? You may not believe this, but I was once full of rage, too. I'm just lucky I could turn it into something better— passion, purpose. I'm certainly not proud of how it used to be. You should have seen me, all those years ago; shouting down the hallways, kicking titans' heads... I just hope you never get to see it again. If you do, I'm scared you might never look at me the same, and that I never forgive myself for it.

I have no clue how you do it, though— carry yourself through life. Back then, if they'd given me the names of the fuckers who took my grandpa, I'd have killed them on the spot. You, on the other hand, (and I know you'll get mad at me for saying this) are gentle. If you wanted to, you could break necks with a single blow. Or seek revenge towards the world for what it's done to you. But you choose not to. You actively, every day, choose not to.

Yeah, yeah, you probably don't like me reminding you of all this. But you're kind, Levi. You stay in the lab with me while I’m working, and you trust me enough to tell me about your mother. And you share this expensive-ass-tea I bought for you.

You're a good person. Much better than I'll ever be. I know you don’t think that you are, and that you worry others may also think that you’re not. But it’s true— you’re a good man.

See? It doesn't even matter I spent half my budget on this! (You’ve been warned, you won’t ever hear a word about it). You deserve to have nice things, little one. Also, it was pretty neat to hear that tiny hum of satisfaction you made when you drank from your cup. I know not many things surprise you nowadays, either. So, I'll take my pride in knowing I did— HA!

Hope you had a good night. And that you had a great birthday— yeah, that too!

Happy you're with me for another year.

See you around,

Hanji x

P.S: Thank you for the tea. Literally the best one I had!

[thevividgreenmoss]

I had a couple of friends (my only two friends really lol which two is far far above my historical average for friends, one is above the historical average if we're being Real) over last night to see the movie I made with my cats/co-directors and I made little tickets/keepsakes for both of them lol

Since the first short I randomly slapped together back in January which eventually ended up being incorporated into what this ended up being I liked the idea of keeping this as something I primarily just directly share with people in my own living room, like the only reason I initially put this shit online anywhere is to have an easy way to share it on here with you all in case it's of interest to anyone lol but idk like there's no way to make even five dollars off of this since I don't have the rights to any of the music playing in the background and huge chunks of certain songs/albums are in the shit lmao like almost half an hour of D'Angelo - Voodoo lmfao but like. it cost me literally nothing to make this, I shot the entire thing on my phone and cut it together on my laptop using open source software so there isn't even any cost to recoup so why not include the music I was already listening to ig and past that just share it with directly with anyone that's willing to sit through it

Back in May I was talking to one of my neighbors who is also one of the neighborhood plugs who also raps a little bit just for the fuck of it "I dont make money off music, I'm a trapper for real" (slightly paraphrased it was almost a year ago at this point), but I actually fuck with his music and listened to it of my own volition after he initially directly played a track for me and our other neighbor and the other day I was over to reup and was like 1) I made a movie off your product so truly thank you cause this doesnt happen otherwise and 2) if you check it out and anything jumps out at you we can work on a music video along those lines if you're down which who knows if we'll do that but personally I'd love to. Then he asked me why I haven't been fasting lmao, remembering that I also didn't fast last year. And that led to talking about god and history and america and the whites. He was telling me a bit about another Pakistani guy that buys from him, showed me a picture of the dude, standing with (presumably although I can't say for sure) his father and grandfather.

The picture he showed me, everything he said has been stuck in my head since. The three smiling desi faces, if I had to guess either fellow Kashmiris if not that maybe Pathaan, but especially the old man's face recalling of course my nana's. I wish I could've made a movie in Lahore with him. I do want to make one with my mom, I was thinking of incorporating clips of a walk around the creek at my parent's neighborhood with her into this video but I ended up going a different direction but I do think it could be worth it's own standalone piece. But I do want to do more of these and the process by which it came together is definitely something accessible to everyone like everyone can do this I feel, if anyone wants. But I personally do want to make one with my mom if she's down.

A few days before that aforementioned day in late May I read Prince's unfinished autobiography and among a million things in there that I have not been able to stop seeing or thinking of was what? The way he opened the first chapter with the image of his mother's eyes - the first thing 👁 saw.

[burned-lariat]

Dex Heller is a sad, sad creature.

I've talked at length about how underwritten he is and how little the writers care about one half of a couple they supposedly really, really like. I've also talked about all the wasted potential he has and how he's a glorified Benson prop. But this one's gonna be different because after watching Friday's scenes, I find something quite...nasty in what Dex has become.

So, according to Dex, his two elder brothers beat him up constantly and hospitalized him more than once. His parents were bystanders throughout all of it. And with his parents specifically, with his philandering father and "cowardly" mother, he had a shitty image of love presented to him. While it would be logical for him to think that 1) betrayal and hurt equates to love, and 2) no one will save him - he needs to save himself because of his upbringing, he's actualized that his childhood was, indeed, shitty. So one would think he'd make sure not to emulate a single second of that (AKA one would think he got help/therapy and healed as well as he could).

Friday's scenes...they were rancid. It made feel a bit ill.

Like Dex, I grew up in a terrible household. My upbringing was all about survival, specifically from an emotional standpoint, and I'm still reeling from it to this day. It's affected my mental well-being (duh), my relationships with people, everything important like that. And with those desperation scenes, of having Dex willing to martyr himself so openly so to not cause further pain, I understand it just a tiny bit and I'll give EH a kudo or two for an attempt to display that desperation.

But here's the thing - what Dex claims he can't without is the thing that hurt him all those years ago.

Josslyn was never good to Dex. She belittled him and his thoughts/feelings, stalked him, talked down to him, guilted him, played on his fears of getting caught to keep him attached to her, went behind his back and disrespected his wishes, literally almost killed him, and has as much pleasantry as nails on a chalkboard. Dex is an abuse victim stuck in another abusive cycle, and this show treats it as romantic foreplay. This couple never got actual development. They got a plethora of sex scenes, which is fine if they were meant to be fuckbuddies, but not fine if they're meant to be a real love story. They need actual development beyond sex and that never happened. The "I love yous" and the arguments about needing each other to live are flat and empty because there's no grounded support.

Hearing Dex say that no one loves him like Joss does, that he can't lose her and she makes his life worth living...it just hurts my soul.

I hear that and think about how abused he was, how the only difference between that and how she treats him is the physical violence (or lack thereof). I think about how she harassed him when he didn't want the PCPD involved after the meat hook. I think about her giving him an infection when she didn't back off and adamantly refusing to get him proper help until the last second. I think about her trying to get him fired from his job with Sonny and how she barked at his disapproval, on top of how quickly he forgave her when he was right to be mad. I think about how she disregarded his feelings on working for Sonny and how sick he felt when Sonny got arrested, and expressing contempt for that to his face. It's all these things and more that make the case that she doesn't love Dex as a person. She loves what he can do for her benefit.

We kind of get what Joss sees in Dex, but we don't get what Dex sees in Joss. Her treatment of him is poor, and she hasn't made any concerted effort to genuinely get to know him outside of plot-forced moments (not to mention how she doesn't care/like it anyway). One could argue he sees the same thing Joss sees (sex), and if that's the case, then there is something fairly wicked and depraved for a man closer to thirty to want a barely legal girl like that. I'd know - I was that girl at one point in time. That doesn't make him a romantic lead, it makes him someone who needs to be monitored.

Any which way you slice this, it's not good. You have a Dex who is a bit of a creep (to be nice) and/or a Dex who loves a version of the abuse he claims to despise. This character has been so underwritten, so regressed as a functional player and it's a miracle he's lasted so long. Like I said in a completely separate rant, I've come to resent what Dex Heller has become, and that hasn't changed. If anything, I also feel disgusted by what these writers have done to him, and the end of their scripts can't come soon enough.

[foibles-fables]

20 questions for fic writers

Snagging this one from @mehoymalloy, tagging @tjerra14 @finrays @poetikat @saltygirafe and anyone else who'd like to do it!

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

75!

2. What's your total AO3 word count?

348,609

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Currently Horizon, Stray Gods, Control, and [fingers crossed] HOPEFULLY BG3 soon...lots more in the past, and potentially again in the future! (Warrior Nun, Legend of the Seeker, Critical Role, the list goes on. That tends to happen over 18 years of fic writing.)

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

I'm gonna turn this question around a little and pick the top by kudos in each of my current- and/or most-active fandoms....if I went purely by numbers, the power of Avatrice would overrun the results, hahaha.

Because the Light Is Close (Warrior Nun), The Weight of Us (Legend of the Seeker), rest like you belong here. (Horizon), the veins grow in slow (Critical Role), and brave this time (Stray Gods).

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

Absolutely, to every single one! I appreciate, cherish, and return to every single kind word I get--and I gotta make sure that appreciation is known. Nothing makes me feel better than taking the joy of others and reflecting it back with gratitude!

6. What's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Oh man uh....I think waiting through daybreak (Stray) (yes the cat game) fits the bill here. That, or so i'll stay half away (Horizon).

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Oh no, SO many!!! Lemme pick just one here....today I'll toss embodiment (Horizon) into the ring.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

Not to my face, which I'm glad about!

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

Hell yeah I do. Primarily/exclusively F/F, mostly of the very soft variety. But just because it's soft doesn't mean they're not fuckin' Nasty™

10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?

I actually have never written a crossover.

....oh I LIED, I definitely crossed Grey's Anatomy over with Private Practice back in the day. But does that even REALLY count?

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

I hope not!

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

I've been asked a few times, and I've accepted, but they're not complete yet!

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Not in earnest!

14. What's your all-time favourite ship?

HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME. FORCING ME TO PICK ONE FAVORITE???

I won't choose between Aloy/Talanah and Cara/Kahlan. They can tie.

15. What's a WIP you want to finish, but doubt you ever will?

I am holding them in my teeth and growling. I am refusing to let any of them go.

16. What are your writing strengths?

prose-craft with evocative syntax, emotional immediacy, identifying parallels, descriptive introspection, character voice, strength in narrative POV

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

PLOTTING. Can't plot my way out of a paper bag. I am working on this.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

Totally would if 1) it actually fit within the fic/fandom itself and 2) if I had a trusted resource/knowledgeable person to reference and check my work!

19. First fandom you wrote for?

the Xenosaga series, so many years ago.

20. Favourite fic you've ever written?

This is always the most difficult question to answer, and I feel like it changes by the day. I'd say it's either rest like you belong here. (Horizon), for the pure nostalgia of being The First fic I wrote for my current and long-lasting brain rot--or Because the Light Is Close (Warrior Nun), as a product of the exhilarating fandom time in which it was written.

[katyspersonal]

Ogay now your turn, who was your blorbo(s) before???

Damn... This is a harder question than it seems, because it is... hard to remember? My brain got SO rotted with Soulsborne world that I legit am forgetting how things used to be before that? It doesn't help that my feelings about the character and how much I talk about them / do for them do not always match! As a result, I have three types of blorbos:

1) The 'real' blorbo: The one that evokes the most feelings and I actively fantasize about being with, one that sparks yearning and attraction and consumes the most of my thoughts, but I won't do enough with

2) The 'productive' blorbo: The one which I practically breathe life in and create entire story and world for when canon didn't provide much and/or this character is unpopular. They often become crucial part of my online identity, or JUST my identity o_o'

3) The 'fanmade' blorbo: It is either an AU version of the character, an interpretation so unfitting and far from canon vibe that it almost works as an OC, or JUST an OC. I actually love/hate this one, because this is the asshole that will always make me stray from working on canon!! They will make me focus so much on them that depending on the nature of the character, I will forget the canon vibe in my love for this version or will forsaken general source material to join an AU/RP where this character is. Let me focus on canon-palatable creativity and stop wasting my time, dipshits!!

So, to give you the idea, in Bloodborne, type one would be, of course, Micolash, Edgar and Maria (but mostly Micolash)! Type two would be Rom and Izzy. And since recently my Laurence is between 1 and 2 because he is really S E X Y but also I have to create everything for him xD. Type three would be... uh...

My previous "fandom" was UTDR, but that stay was a little short-lasting, since Deltarune is work in progress and Undertale did not have the same grip on me. In there, my type one blorbo were Rouxls Kaard and Mettaton! You can tell I love the flamboyant sexy man with fake depth, fair level of depravity but not evilness, and intelligence of a brick dshhfdsdds My art never felt good enough to capture Mettaton's confident energy, however, I'd like to show this fanart of Rouxls:

Type two blorbo were Mad MewMew, Catti, and Diamond King! The latter two were sort of underdeveloped in canon at the time, and for MewMew I actually had a bunch of things, and even RPed as her for some time! Developing Diamond King was quite fun, though he was dangerously close to type 3 because of AU stuff where HE was the bad guy and not Spade King (and Catti was the 'monster' of the prophesy). Besides, we did give him a wife who is not getting used in canon but exists in the cards deck that WAS used for the 'cards'.

(EDIT: I made these sprites and I forgot that I made them and not Val o_o" Because it's been a few years ago + I am scatter-brained. Oh jeez)

And type three happened when I delved into helping to work on an AU for Deltarune, a project a passionate person started in hunger for completion of Deltarune, following after Chapter 1 and ignoring everything. Basically, attempt to finish the game that had AMAZING story and characters! I lended many designs, ideas and characters for it, improving it very significantly. I no longer work on that project and gave all rights to my designs and creative solutions to the developer, but it was FUN. And like I said, distracted me from the canon-palatable creativity. And helped me to finally come to terms with the fact that I am way better at nurturing, supporting, editing and improving someone else's projects than creating my own. It was a long time coming realisation considering how half of my drawings for any fandom used to be fanart of other people's ideas and OCs or fanart for our RP plots. Not something that can happen in this fandom because... you know. But yeah, I've always been the guy that would draw a pile of everyone's OCs/interpretations in the community, or help someone with no coherent design idea to GET that design down!

...ak-hem, where was I? Right, blorbos. So, the 'fanmade' blorbos were, of course, our version of Diamond Queen and... this BITCH:

This is Ace of Hearts! And Insight joke is actually something I just made up, since I made this guy before I knew anything about Bloodborne! It aged like fucking milk, hahahahaha!! To give you the idea of what I had to do to design the Aces, here are the cards by Kanotynes that Toby was using:

These are the face cards ( x )! If you saw Deltarune's chapter one, you can see how and which designs were used, and which changed.

And this is the only image of all cards I can reliably find ( x ). You can see that number cards were de-personalised and are just various things. So what I did was combining the face card look and find a way to "fuck it up", since Aces learned A LOT of 'Chaos' and not only part of it like Jevil (and now Spamton)! Here are the rest of them:

You can tell, even in healthy forms, they'd still be a bit... 'strange' compared with face cards. Ace of Clubs in healthy form would have only one head and one horn, and his 99 Insight Chaos version has 11 heads each with one peace of their body or face... And Ace of Diamonds would be a snake with 'umbrella' skin, which is nothing like other Diamond suits!

I was the one to insist that we have Aces in the project, conceptualised them, designed them, wrote them lore etc. And Ace of Hearts was my favourite, and also the scariest one. (of course I like the most creepy one -_-) It was also the first situation where I got obsessed with my OWN non-canon stuff... although, technically, they are no longer mine, since I passed the designs and right to write and use to the owner completely. Maybe it is to the better, as I moved closer towards enjoying my own content more!

(Idle sprites I've made back then!)

___________

Thank you for listening and giving me nostalgia, lol xD

[astorytotellyourfriends]

annual writing self-evaluation

All answers should be about works published in 2023.

i. Optional if applicable: link to last year’s self-evaluation

1. List of works published this year (in the order that they were posted):

as per usual that list is too long for this post so here's my 2023 fic roundup

2. Work you are most proud of (and why):

far and away it has to be before i bury you purely because it was 1. SUCH an endeavor to begin with, and 2. so unbelievably different from anything i've written before. like, the criminal minds au was me dipping my toe into the pool of horror/suspense, and this fic was diving in headfirst. and i know it's not everyone's cup of tea (or most people's, tbh) but i've been so pleased with the reactions of those who have read it and i'm so, so thankful for it 💛 (honorable mentions to always have & i always will and a tender age, tho)

3. Work you are least proud of (and why):

it's not that i'm not proud of it but a fic that's been hanging over my head all year is if the fates allow because god i hate that it's almost been a year since i updated it and I'VE BEEN TRYING to work on it but my brain just refuses to focus on it! i'm really hoping to finish it soon, though (and the gd pirate au too UGH).

4. A favorite excerpt of your writing:

man am i glad i did an ask meme like a week ago that asked this question so i can snag an answer from that rather than spending 3 hours combing through my fics lol

5. Share or describe a favorite comment you received:

lmfao @cyraclove left this one on a snippet of the onlyfans au i sent her and it's my favorite thing ever

6. A time when writing was really, really hard:

there's been a few instances of that over the last year but no specific events immediately come to mind. it seems to come and go in waves for me and all i can do is just ride it out and hope my inspiration comes back.

7. A scene or character that you wrote that surprised you:

ok like i swear to god i never thought i would write omegaverse and yet a tender age happened and it basically came pouring out of me and onto the page so like?? what the hell was that??? (also no i have not forgotten i promised a sequel, it's percolating i promise)

8. How did you grow as a writer this year:

i tried new genres!! i really enjoyed the writing process!! (even if it made me absolutely insane at times)

9. How do you hope to grow next year:

i've said this a billion times before but i think next year i want to try writing original stuff alongside fic. idk if i'll finish a whole novel or what, but i'd at least like to start something.

10. Who was your greatest positive influence this year as a writer (could be another writer or beta or cheerleader or muse etc etc):

my friends 💛

11. Anything in your real life show up in your writing this year:

not that i can think of but i did actually let my sister read some of my stuff and she told me that i have a lot of ust in my writing and (yes this is weird but she's my sister and i know she means well) that she wished i had an outlet for it irl so like. i guess that's something?

12. Any new wisdom you can share with other writers:

i always say the same goddamn thing and today i saw a post that really encapsulated that so i'm just going to copy it here:

13. Any new projects you’re looking forward to starting (or finishing) in the new year:

as per usual, so many. i've got a bunch half-started already that i haven't shared yet and i'm really hoping to be able to get them Mostly Finished before i start posting them, so keep your fingers crossed and an eye out 👀

14. Tag three writers/artists whose answers you’d like to read:

@cyraclove, @medusasfinalgirl, @staceymcgillicuddy (and anybody else who would like to do this, i'm tagging u)

[memes-in-a-half-shell]

Villain AU - Deadlock, Part 4

Part 1 || Part 2 || Part 3 ||

Short chapter 💁‍♀️ still trying not to linger for too long on them. It just feels nice to have something to work mindlessly over on the side~

It was at the top of an old and abandonned music store, surrounded by office buildings that were now long emptied at those late hours of the night. In New York's fast changing scene, Vee often wondered how it was possible for this fossil to still be standing, untouched by economy and time - yet she was glad she had that little safe spot she could always come back to.

Coffees in hands, she reached the flat rooftop with a quick relieved sigh, taking a moment to appreciate the view of the neighborhood. There was this faint breeze still running around, the last remnant of the cold days past behind. She was glad to have put on her trenchcoat for tonight - a wiser choice than a cocktail dress.

"Quite the odd place to choose," sounded a voice behind her. "I would've taken you for a more industrial type."

Vee turned around, noticing the turtle coming her way.

"... Do you always do that?" she asked, half amused.

"Do what?"

The mutant was now beside her, frowning slightly.

"Come out of nowhere and start talking? Last time we met, you did the same thing."

Donnie shrugged: "It is what it is. Call it my dramatic flair."

"Sure thing, Dorkatello."

She next offered him a cup, not letting him the chance to complain about the nickname.

"I didn't know what you liked, so I grabbed you a black coffee."

He accepted the beverage with an indifferent expression and a small "thanks". Taking a first sip, the terrapin then seemed quite appreciative.

"Not bad! The roast has a nice taste to it. Where is it from?"

"From where I work, I prepared it myself," winked Vee.

"Barista by day and a broker by night," mused Donnie in a slight teasing way. "Quite the life you're living."

"Only 'cause I need the safety net," pointed the woman. "... To be frank, if I could avoid hearing about soy lattes with triple expresso shots, whipped cream and caramel on top almost every day, I'd be a happier person. ... Whatever happened to good ol' black coffees?"

"We truly live in a dystopian world," he joked before taking another sip.

They drank in comfortable silence, facing the city and basking in the view once more. After a short while, Vee got a USB key out of a pocket, handing it towards the terrapin.

"One investors' list, hot and fresh straight out of the oven."

"There better not be a virus on this," said Donatello, taking the small device and looking at it closely.

"Or what? ... I told you, I'll be a good girl," grinned the human.

The other sighed with a faint smile, putting the key in a small pouch attached to his belt: "... Gosh you're so weird."

"Says the turtle man."

"Touché."

His gaze remained on her, studying her form as he took another sip.

"... I gotta ask though, what made you accept my offer?" he asked.

"I figured you probably wanted some lessons about information broking. That and I was just curious about this whole affair."

Unimpressed, Donnie tapped to a device at his right wrist, then bringing up a holo screen over his forearm. With some quick swipes he then brought up a file that contained Vee's picture and some information written alongside it. He began to read:

"Véronique Lavoie, thirty-one years old, moved to New York City five years ago from Montréal, Canada. First language is French. Completed studies in the music and artistic fields, yet you did an one-eighty to pursue a 'career' in coding and information brokering. I suspect you were getting into hot waters where you're from, so you decided to start fresh in a new city, new country. Shall I continue?"

Vee pushed his wrist down with a tsk, flicking the screen off.

"Alright, alright, I get it. Remove that 'lesson' part from my previous statement." She pointed at him, wanting to get her point across: "You better keep all that info for yourself, or I'm breaking this deal off."

"I wouldn't want to risk this makeshift alliance, at least for now," reassured Donatello, although standing tall. "As long as you play by the rules, I won't rat you out to the police."

"How thoughtful, very happy to hear it" fakely smiled the woman.

"I only aim to please," quickly winked the terrapin, then taking another slow sip as he looked back over the city.

That brought a quiet chuck out of Vee, returning to a watch of the landscape as well. Who's playing on words now! Taking her last sips, she took this quiet moment to glance over the turtle from the corner of her eyes. She never really took the opportunity to fully appreciate all the technical gear he was adorning, some assuredly being custom built. He seemed quite capable when it came to technology, so Vee was truly starting to wonder if he ever needed her help for whatever the turtles were planning to do. She kept that question for another time, rather taking the moment to instead look over at his form. To be quite frank, he wasn't that bad looking! Years of training must have helped shaping this slim chiseled body of his, his arms slender yet displaying enough muscle mass to indicate a formidable strength still....

"So," she started, breaking the quiet pause. "What's the next target?"

"That remains to be seen. I have first to look through the list you just handed me and have a quick talk with one of our sources." He finished his coffee. "... But for now, our first step should be to get up to speed about eachother's knowledge. What do you know about the crime scene in New York?"

"I hear things here and there," shortly sighed Vee. "The Foot clan is the top dog, the Purple Dragons are starting to rise, and then you've got the usual gangs trying to get on top of one another in some pitiful tug-of-war games. I see rich people feasting on poor people's backs, CEOs hunting for valuable informations, stock market maniacs wanting the latest trends. Everybody does what they have to do in order to survive in this fucked up world - and here I am, a simple bridge between their initial goal and the final result."

"I'm guessing you get paid a pretty sum for all of your work, based on how much you charged me, anyway."

"Living in New York, especially Manhattan, is expensive as shit," pointed the human. "I have no choice but to ask for a lot if I want to keep living here." She took a moment to glance back over the streets with a slight dreamy sight. "I couldn't have asked for a better hideout. ... Even though I prefer to be on my own, the constant buzzing of a city keeps me alive and I know I'm not completely alone."

She realized her confession, noticing that the terrapin was looking over her with a soft smile.

"Anyway," she rectified, straightening her posture. "Any info you'd want me to know or gather, I have my ways of getting it. If I don't know something, that'll only push me to get to know more about it."

"At least we're similar on that point!"

"In the end," continued Vee. "All you have to keep in mind is that anything you may throw at me, I can take it. ... I mean, heck, you probably guessed it by now that anything out of the ordinary doesn't really phase me; I'm not even scared of you."

His slight amusement did not escape Vee.

"It does make for a nice change," he admitted. "Usually people either scream or call us monsters. So with you being unbothered, it's a breath of fresh air."

"You're still strange though, but I'll let that slip for now."

She did have this slight fear in her - that she would never admit. Since her arrival in the city, she had heard stories of mutant vigilantes that could break you in half if they wanted to. But when speaking with Donatello, she realized most of those talks must've been exaggerated, although she never dismissed the idea of him and his brothers being forces to reckon with. And that idea stuck with her as she witnessed the terrapin crush his coffee cup effortlessly, then aiming and throwing the remains into an open trashcan down in the street - a quiet "score" escaping his lips as he succeeded his throw.

"Thanks for the coffee," Donatello said next. "I'll get started right away on combing through the list you just gave me. ... Thank you, by the way. You did the right thing."

Vee disregarded the comment with a quick puff of air.

"Please. Consider yourself lucky that I didn't ask for money in exchange. Just keep me in the loop once you have something."

"Will do! Through the web or you have another prefered way of contact?"

"I am not giving you my phone number yet, turtle. Too risky for now."

"As you wish, then," he replied with a small comical bow. "I shall write to you soon, smooth criminal."

And with that he was out and about, Vee rapidly losing sight of him as he plunged into the shadows. So far, so good, she told herself. She had a feeling that getting him on her good side wouldn't be too much of a hassle - she would simply need to lean on the heroic and right-doer side whenever possible and in his presence. What a chore. She looked at her empty cup, then over at the trashcan below where Donnie had shot his trash at. Considering for some seconds, Vee then tried to throw her own into it, but it ultimately failed and bounced miserably on the concrete ground.

"Whatever," she mumbled with a frown, shoving her hands into her coat's pockets and making her way down the roof.

***

Casey and April came down as soon as they heard that Donnie finally got the data - even though that annoyed the bespectacled terrapin, as he wanted to skim through the information unbothered at first.

Inserting Vee's key into his computer, the file was loaded in no time, many names and numbers populating the screen. Some noticeable names belonging to the Purple Dragons were found in there - Hun, their leader, being a predominant entry. But another presence did raise questions, this one only labeled as "Bishop".

"Never heard that name before," started Casey, his eyes on the list. "I don't think I've ever come across someone, or an organization, that had such a title."

"We need to find what they're up and about," added Leonardo. "They seem to be quite invested in the Foot, considering the contributions."

"Agreed..."

Donnie was already starting to wonder if Vee had heard that name before...

"I can get my eyes on Hun for the moment," continued the cop. "But we'll need to dig for the rest."

"Leave that to me," said Donatello. "I'll try to poke Vee and see what sort of intel she could have on that entity as well."

Casey squinted: "I'm sorry, who?"

"Donnie's new girlfriend," joked Raph.

Donnie was fast to reply: "Absolutely not!" He then felt slightly uneasy as he added: "... She's the one who stole the data in the place, that smooth criminal we told you about. I was able to get in contact with her and she agreed to lend her skills for our cause."

"We are not bringing a crook into this operation," disapproved the man. "I don't care about her skills. We can't trust her with any info. She could very well just grab it and run to sell it to anyone. Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if she's already selling information about you guys!"

"She is not," cut the purple clad one. "I'm monitoring her online activity on the main platform she uses for her trade. She's trustworthy on that part."

"Who says she's only selling her stuff online?"

That actually shut Donatello down, the terrapin frowning at such a thought. She did go to a social event a couple days ago...

"Donnie, if you need someone to look around above ground, you know you can count on me," added April calmly.

"I know," replied the mutant with a soft sigh, turning his attention back to the data. "Let me just see what I can find first, then I'll contact you, if anything."

He didn't even care for the rest of the conversation. His thoughts were running million miles a second, trying to figure if he'd omitted anything before considering Vee's help. Would he need to go against her request of not logging into her system once more? Should he start considering tracking her every moves and conversations? It felt like too much. She was not a stranger to the scene and she could probably prove to be a good asset to the team. ... But right now, many variables were obstructing an absolute trust, and he wished there was something he could do to show her good wil... As hidden as it probably was.

Donnie didn't realize when Casey and April left, too preoccupied by his current searches. He did notice however Leonardo approaching his workstation, setting a stool and sitting down next to him.

"Donnie...," the leader started.

He kept on typing.

"... I do agree with Casey," finished the blue banded one. "We can't risk bringing an external source into this. ... We don't know her."

That brought the tall one to a stop with a sharp sigh. He finally looked over to his older brother with an annoyed nonchalance.

"I understand and I do agree to some extent," replied Donnie. "I could probably fish out the information all by myself - I've been doing that for many years. But now I'm tired, Leo."

He vaguely gestured the Lair.

"Keep in mind, I'm the one who mostly caters to and repairs every electronic needs in this goddamned house. If we're to take the Foot down and you're all expecting me to keep up the same level of effectiveness around here, I can't guarantee my accuracy in the long run."

"Let us help you then! We're a team, we're here for you."

"Hah, and have you all break everything? No thanks."

"Donnie-"

"Look, I want to give her a chance," cut the purple clad one. "It may be a bit presumptuous of me, but I feel that with some guidance, she can get on the right path." He didn't dare cross his brother's gaze. "... All we do is stop criminals, but how about saving them instead? Let me have this, Leo. Let me try.... I see something in her."

"We're ninjas, not knights in shiny armors."

"Don't forget, we were labeled heroes to this city."

He pointed the key to the city he had kept on the side, hanging on its chain, close to one of his screens. That brought a long exhale from Leo, the leader lost in thoughts for a moment as he kept his eyes on the item. Oh it was so easy to call on his honor...

"Let me think about it," finally said Leonardo. "But for now, keep her out of it. Let's see what we find first."

He got up from his stool, lightly tapping Donnie's shoulder.

"And let us help you. Say the word and I'll whoop Mikey and Raph's asses to get moving."

"Noted," replied Donatello with an amused smirk.

He watched his older brother walk away, waiting a bit to make sure he was not in sight. Returning to his device, Donnie's fingers fidgeted lightly over his keyboard, unsure about his next move. ... He didn't want to break an order, but he needed to know.

HookedOnCoffee: What do you know about the name Bishop?

((Part 5))

[pelagae]

Getting personal for bit. To introduce the situation, which I will make more posts about later, 1) I'm marrying a man later this year, and 2) I want to do what I can to decrease patriarchy in my wedding.

Definitely better posts to come, but this first one is more of a vent. We got engaged about a year and a half ago. He did not say anything to my dad beforehand. However, he said something about how he just "never got the right moment alone with him" to bring it up. When he first said this, I thought he was joking. He knows I would not have liked it if he asked my dad for permission or a blessing. He says he would've asked me regardless of my dad's response, that it would have been more of a "heads up" than a formal request for my hand or any of that.

However, I found out recently that he wasn't joking. Such a conversation as "hey, Pelagae's dad, I'm planning on proposing, just so you know," would have happened if the opportunity had arisen. And this upset me. I thought we were on the same page about the entire concept of asking a woman's dad for permission to propose being archaic and stupid. From my perspective, I'm offended that he doesn't understand my disgust at even the tamer version of this practice. From his perspective, it's not a big deal, because my dad's response wouldn't have changed the outcome. He also didn't actually do it, so he doesn't get why I'd be upset by the fact that he theoretically would have.

Just putting it out there. I do tend to overthink and read into things, but idk. Is it appropriate for me to be upset over a hypothetical that never happened, only due to my fiancé's hypothetical willingness to have that conversation and the way he doesn't get why I would have disliked it? Or is this a minor thing?

[fallynleaf]

(I typed this up for my Japanese study log lol but it was so funny to me, I figured I'd also share it here)

Okay, so...

I was looking at my Japanese study Notion library page and kind of wanted to clear out a slot for Dungeon Meshi, since I wanted to be able to track my progress with the chapter count. I’d had 女装してめんどくさい事になってるネクラとヤンキーの両片想い ("Crossplay Love: Otaku x Punk" in English) volume 3 in there since literally the day I created that page, I think. I had sort of given up on it last year because it was too hard for me to read at the time for what my level of investment was in the story, plus I got sort of busy with the translations and ran out of time/energy for manga reading projects, so I’d basically shelved that book for the time being.

I had gotten like halfway through the volume already, though, so I thought why not just read the rest of it so that I can move it out of my currently reading section? So I started reading it again and abruptly realized that I didn’t super remember a lot of the details in the story. At the time when I had started reading it, volumes 1 & 2 had been translated into English, but 3 hadn’t been translated yet, hence why I had picked it up in Japanese. Fortunately for me, though, the English translation has gotten a lot further now!

So what I did was speed-read up to the chapter I left off in English, then I finished the volume in Japanese. Hooray! I could remove it from my currently reading section!! 🎉

Except… after finishing volume 3, I wanted to know what happened next, so I just kept reading (in English) and quickly finished volume 4, then 5, 6, 7…

(You can probably guess where this is going.)

I reached the end of volume 7 and was like “aw man, I want to know what happens next, but I’m not sure if I care enough about this series to take the time to read it in Japanese… I’d rather just wait and read the English translation of this one and spend my energy on things like Dungeon Meshi instead.”

But I have spectacularly poor impulse control when it comes to this sort of thing, so just like what compelled me to buy volume 3 in the first place, of course I ended up caving immediately and buying volume 8 in Japanese, and I ended up back in the exact situation I had tried to resolve in the first place, with the series still technically on my currently reading list… 😩

Thankfully, my Japanese is better now than it was a year ago, and I can read manga way faster now, so I ended up sort of, uh, inhaling the series, or at least reading it about as fast as it was humanly possible for me to read it. In English, I can easily tear through a volume of manga in under half an hour. In Japanese, it probably takes me like 10x that.

I was on a bit of a deadline because I’m trying to stay super caught up on the TJPW translations to the best of my ability, so I had a narrow window between finishing the previous translation (for the last VOD show after the VOD went up on Wrestle Universe) and getting started on the next translation (which is for another VOD show, so I usually wait until the show gets uploaded before I start translating it, which is usually three days after the show happened).

I finished my first draft of the 2.17 show translation on Tuesday, February 20 (the day I watched the VOD), got my questions posted by early Thursday, and got it edited and published by early Friday, which was the date of the next show (with a 3-day timer after that until the VOD goes up and I need to drop everything else to translate).

So I had roughly a 5-ish day window with essentially no translation workload. I read a chapter of Dungeon Meshi, then finished 女装してめんどくさい事になってるネクラとヤンキーの両片想い volume 3, then ended up reading volumes 8-12 in Japanese basically as fast as I could because I was invested in the series and I also really didn’t want to have to stop reading to work on my translations (the surprise 2.26 press conference from TJPW happened fortuitously at the end of this period). In total, I think I finished five volumes in about four days.

…And the huge reveal that I’ve been waiting for the entire series, which is the main reason why I felt compelled to read on, still hasn’t happened 😩. Never start reading a slowburn romance when the story is still in progress… 😔

I saw at the back of the manga that the series apparently updates on the fourth Monday of every month, so I ended up finding it on pixiv, and I got there just in time for chapter 107’s release (volume 12 ends with chapter 105, so there are two new chapters available on pixiv), so I’ve now read literally every chapter currently available.

I’m in the same boat as the Japanese fans now, I suppose! Waiting a whole month to get drip fed a little bit more of the story at a time… It brings me back to my days of following webcomics as they were happening, which I was never very good at, so we’ll see if I fare better reading serialized manga.

I guess to review 女装してめんどくさい事になってるネクラとヤンキーの両片想い, difficulty-wise, I found it honestly harder than Dungeon Meshi, because even though it takes place at a high school and theoretically has more normal vocab, like every single character in the story talks weird in way that is totally different from how the other characters talk weird, and there’s far more slang and stuff written out in a way that isn’t super parseable by Yomichan (which I'm able to use on the book thanks to Mokuro). So my lookup tools didn’t account for my weaknesses nearly as well as they did with Dungeon Meshi.

I can see why I dropped it last year, because I lacked some of the grammar back then that I understand a lot better now. It’s the kind of story that is best enjoyed as easy reading, so once you take away the ease of reading, I think it’s hard to push through the difficulty in order to keep going.

Reviewing the story purely in terms of enjoyability, well, obviously I did enjoy it, haha! It’s a very unique story and it went to some surprising places in terms of the themes and story developments, considering the fact that most of the plot revolves around what I can only describe as Shakespearean comedy levels of ridiculous crossdressing drama.

The main point of interest to me was the LGBTQ themes, and I would say that it honestly surpassed my expectations there. We’re not at a point where “these characters are trans” is part of the explicit text of the story (and it might never go there), but the main relationship is gay no matter how you slice it, haha, and there’s another major character whose story reads as very much a trans narrative, and there’s a canonical lesbian couple as well.

Something I really appreciate about it is that interactions with those characters are some of the major driving forces in the relationship between the two main characters. Like, there’s a sense of commonality and shared experience between them and those other characters, and sometimes a sense of alienation and yearning at what the others have, which the main characters feel that they’ll never get to experience because they’re trapped in a situation where they can’t be their authentic selves.

A friend asked me how yuri it is, and honestly I'd say very? I don't think it bills itself as either GL or BL (and people who read exclusively either would probably both be unsatisfied with it). But to me, the core relationship and the conflicts that the characters increasingly grapple with as the story goes on feels more like the kind of thing you’d see in yuri. There’s a whole lot of yearning.

I was amused by this panel from volume 8 because there’s some slang in there and a few non-WaniKani/non-textbook words, but I’d learned literally all four of the new words from translating TJPW, including the one with a non-WK kanji in it (and two of the words were tricky translations so I remember them pretty clearly haha), so I was able to instantly read this panel without needing lookups:

If I'd timed it a bit better and waited for a 50% coinback sale on Bookwalker, I could've gotten a great deal on it lol but I was too impatient to wait fdjkghdfjkg. At least the Japanese edition is way cheaper than the English one...

[latastybastardfish]

Super Mario Bros -the third quest chapter 1

________________________________________

Before you start reading, my name's Kyle woodings, and I'm not gonna waste your time, if you're even vaguely into video games, you've definitely heard of the Nintendo franchise “super Mario bros” if you haven't heard about it, go look it up, it's just one Google search away and I'm not going to was time for people that already know about the funny Italian plumber princess rescue game series.

All of the events written here spawned over the whole of August and happened a year and 2 weeks ago, to say I'd rather forget about this wouldn't be as accurate to how I felt after this playthrough of Super Mario Bros. But there isn’t really any other way to put how I feel about what happened. To people that still have their copy of smb from 1985, please take this as a warning to not play quest two, it's the gateway to what I've been through.

____________________

August 2nd

It was August 2nd, I was hanging out with my friends at my house and we were all feeling a little nostalgic, so we dusted off my nes and a few games I didn't sell after I moved out of my parents place in 2004 when I turned 19. We had a blast of a time, playing the classics like duck hunt, Mega Man 2, Friday the 13th, etc. at around 8:34pm, after looking through one of my box for another few games, I found the one game I somehow didn't take out first, my copy of the original super Mario Bros. I looked all over the old, beaten up and slightly sun bleached cover, the memories of the good times of the 1988 summer started to flood back to me. Unfortunately, after what happened, I no longer look at this box and think of the good times.

Anyways, the next 30 minutes consisted of me and my friends playing the game, it was real fun even despite the glitches from the age of the game. Eventually we got to the last level and defeated Bowser for the last time, saving princess toadstool. We were just going to Play another game, but then Mark asked me something.

“Hey, Kyle. Isn't there like a second journey or something?” “yeah, the second quest” i responded “why'd you ask?” Mark started to smile slightly and said “how's about a little bet? Beat the second quest without picking up any power ups, using any warp pipes or gaining any extra lives” I scuffed slightly, not thinking Mark was serious “pfft, and what do I get out of this? you paying my rent this month if I do?” Mark shrugged and replied “if you succeed, sure”

I paused, not really sure how to respond to that. Yeah, Mark being willing to pay my rent if I beat a Mario game a second time sounded ridiculous, but I also knew Mark wasn't someone that would just say he'd do something if someone else won a bet. So I walked back over to the couch, plopped my ass down and grabbed the rectangle shaped controller, ready to win this bet. To say this to longer then quest one would be an understatement, not only any benefits super, fire or starman Mario would've given me were unusable, but due to me using warps pipes nine times out of ten when I play the original smb, I had to keep retrying whole levels and doing that one holding the a button on the menu trick just to win this bet.

But eventually, after an hour and a half, I jumped over Bowser and reached the axe, ending the final boss fight. After Mark and Andrew congratulated me, I put a sticky note that had “paying Kyle's rent this month” written on it on the back of his shirt (real mature, I'm aware) when I felt Jennifer's finger press the start/pause button and Heard the sound that occurs when you pause the game play. Before I could ask her why she paused the game, she said “is that… normally what peach says after you beat the game?” Confused, Mark and I looked at the screen and noticed that princess toadstool's dialogue/text was different from what she normally says after getting to the end. I unpaused the game and let the rest of the text load in, instead of text being a sentence along the lines of “thanks, your quest is over” the text read “i suppose thirty odd years has been a long enough wait for you to see the lands we hid from you, just please be careful”

To say that confused me and the others was a bit of an understatement, the game was not only acknowledging its age, but something in the game was unable to be accessed till now? None of this made any sense, but the sense of excitement upon discovering something new in one of my favourite games drew me in. So without really thinking, I pressed b and as soon as the menu popped up, I pressed start. The level started up, and I was hit with slight visual whiplash. Instead the level being 1-1 but with different enemies, the floor was desaturated to a slight grey, the sky was also darker and while there were blocks, they were glitched to all hell and were too high to be hit. A mushroom also fell from the top of the stage and onto Mario, glitching out the UI. and yet after getting the mushroom, I still couldn't hit the damn blocks.

All I could do was run straight and hope to find a flagpole, all the while a crappy Melody played in the background. It sounded like someone tried remaking the world 1-1 theme before getting bored and randomly placing notes in hopes of making something that sounds good. Eventually, Mario stopped moving as the sound that plays when you reach the flagpole started to play, followed shortly by the level complete jingle. But instead of walking into a castle, Mario fell to his hands and knees as text appeared over his head. The text read “I miss the silence”

By this point, we were all dumbfounded, none of this shit felt like it belonged in the game, yet it was right there. A new, practically broken level that apparently was there since day one that was only made to be accessible after three decades. After a few seconds of us sitting in silence trying to think about how this was happening, Andrew started to speak. “Kyle, did you make this?” “What, no” I responded, “yeah, like. Kyle's pretty smart, but she can't make something like this” Jennifer added. Andrew then responded by trying to ask how else could what's happening in the game be happening, but was interrupted by loud frantic music coming from the tv. My grip on the controller tightened and my head turned to face the screen to see what was going on. But it was too late, as I faced the screen, the game repeatedly flashed what looked like a face on the screen as a mix of bursts of static and bit crushed noises mimicking laughter played. This only lasted for four seconds before the nes shut down, it turned off and wouldn't turn back on for a week. So we spent the rest of the night playing monopoly and murder mystery, thinking about what had just happened.

The next day, I looked at my phone and saw three notifications on my Whatsapp, all by Mark. Very Confused, I opened up Whatsapp and read the three messages.

“Hey Kyle, remember what happened last night?”

“Well before your nes shut down, I was able to make out what was flashing on your screen. I sketched what I saw last night a few minutes ago.”

3:

As of now, that's all I feel comfortable with writing. I know it's pretty shit to just end it here, but any time I think about that, all I feel is pain and discomfort. It's Like I feel like I'm being watched whenever I think about this and what happened afterwards. just

Please, give me time. I want to get this off my chest but I can't just write all of it down, not now

[geminiperson]

Life Update

So I've been both busy and dead (thanks depression) and unfortunately this means no typing. However, things have finally started to get to a version of normal I can live with, and I am extremely comfortable with it. With that in mind, I figure life updates are in order, and reasonably needed since a decent amount has happened. Rather than trying to do that in some mad and disorganized group of sentences, it's list time! That's right, enough has happened, that I have a list of things to go through.

1. Cats!

The cats are fine. Healthy, impressively strong according to the vet, and happy. I also found out recently that they will need some necessary changes as part of one of my other life updates, but for now, they are spoiled rotten and enjoying having me home all the time (this is also because of another of my life updates). As of now, the only major change is Poppie getting a medication that I have the joy of giving him in the morning, which is super fun and definitely not an irritation, but, it turns out he has asthma, so I'd rather have a one minute daily challenge so that he can breathe with no trouble.

2. Family

Also a small update, I had a chance to spend time with my beloved sister recently. She doesn't get a chance to visit often, so we got in some dinner and lunch, enjoyed some time at a festival, and enjoyed the vibe of local arts and music, all while being sarcastic smart asses to one another the whole time. The rest of my family isn't going through to much of a change. My youngest sibling is growing up, my second youngest is graduating, and the second oldest (I'm the eldest of all) exists outside of my space, and I'm good with that. My mom and Stepdad are getting into pre-retirement, which is a validating, but also somewhat interesting change to experience. I think the biggest change for them as of late is getting accustomed to dealing with their age, aka medical things shifting and altering their daily lives.

3. Mental Health

Oh man, so much on this one. So one of my biggest hurtles, and the thing that messes with my ability to sit and write for extended periods of time is my absolutely tanked mental health. The thing that has impacted this the most as of late has been and continues to be work, which is also changing (more on that later). My mental well being has been utterly horrible as of late, between extreme shifts in mood that were causing me to just kinda shut down mentally. No matter what way I looked at it, there was no question that things could not continue as they were. The extreme volatility of my customer base, the pressures of higher ups to achieve when given no resources to do so, and trying without success to find a new job without success for almost a year and a half. I had crashed long ago, and with the state of the world, something I refuse to ignore, making it all the worse just for how bad certain things are, the more I was just vegetating and rotting when I wasn't fulfilling basic functions at work and in life. In general, things were pretty rough. But, things are improving. I mean this seriously when I say, changing one thing will in fact make the biggest difference when you need it the most. I am in the midst of those changes still, but have been given a unique and positive opportunity to change for the better, and I'm welcoming it with open arms.

4. Work

So the big update is, I lost my old job! No seriously, it's gone. I have one last day in the very near future, where I will be finishing my tenure, but as of now, I am no longer there, and truthfully, it was one of the best changes I could have asked for. Obviously, this was extremely stressful. I can't go into particulars for legal reasons, but changes were made that meant that I would not be able to continue with my current position. Thankfully, after a very short stint of anticipating unemployment, my previously mentioned job search also came to an end and I started with a small tech start up that I actually believe will make some decent changes for the better in my life. I am absolutely ecstatic to not be at my old job, which was unbelievably damaging to my mental health, and while I also found out that they had done other things that directly impacted me, I was able to resolve all of these things, and I'm looking forward to a reasonably bright future. The new job is still customer service, but absolutely no sales, and I only took a minor pay cut, which, since I'm working full time again, won't have any impact on my overall quality of life. It helps that I will be cashing out my retirement plan that was being handled by my old job, which will substantially bolster my savings and resolve all existing debts, so in reality I won't experience any negatives from my short term pay crunch, but on top of that, I am now working from home full time remote with a mobile laptop. So if I so choose, so long as I have a stable internet connection, I could absolutely go traveling about with no trouble, which I must say is a rather enticing prospect. I might take the initiative and go visit some friends that I've held off seeing for a while, find a little bit of joy in my daily life again, and even (gasp) enjoy life just a little more. All seriousness, this job change was absolutely wonderful to me, and I have to say, being able to properly set up my work station on the companies dime was a refreshing experience. All in all, looking forward to being financially comfortable, and saving for my final life update.

5. Moving

Those who know me well know that I want to move abroad. There are a mix of factors, but the short version of things is, I hate living in the US, I feel like there are a large number of things that I and many like minded people have actively opposed that the government continues to do, and after taking some time to really de-colonize my way of thinking, I realize that the opportunities I would be afforded outside of the US are considerably better than what I'm currently dealing with. After intense deliberation, I was slowly reaching my final deadline to determine where I wanted to move, because figuring out my destination was the most important detail in determining everything else needed to move forward. Funny enough, it wasn't until I started writing this life update that I really focused on it, and after really seeing the details, realizing that what I wanted, what I needed, and what interested me most were all available in one place: Greece! My love for Grecian historical culture, especially because of my beliefs in Hellenic polytheism, along with my love of the food and more modern culture from my experiences with other folks from around the Mediterranean Sea means that I understand the place better than almost anywhere else I would want to go. Add to this that I prefer to have particular geographical features that are all present (Mountains, Large bodies of water, and Forests) and an active commuting culture (Athens listed as being a highly walkable city) and other opportunities like the Antikythera Expat program that pays digital nomads (which I can now be) to move to a small island off the mainland and boost the population and fix up a house, means that I would have the chance to finally move out of country to a place that would be of great joy. With that said, it also means learning a new language, getting a long term visa sponsorship, getting my cats chipped and passport eligible, and of course getting myself ready for a major undertaking. That said, I'm excited. I want to move out of the country, yes, but it's more than just seeing a green patch of grass on the other side of the ocean. I want to experience new places unlike where I've been. I've traveled most of the US, and as strange as this may seem, I love quite a bit of it (the state of Texas and New Jersey excluded, because fuck 'em). But with that said, the things that I love most about the US are things that come from other places. People with diverse backgrounds, foods that taste nothing like the things I grew up with, people speaking languages that I haven't heard. So the idea of staying in the US long term, especially considering the ever present fascist regimes that I absolutely cannot abide encroaching upon my day to day is, without question, completely untenable. All those things I love get eradicated by fascist regimes. So choosing to leave, especially knowing that I've done what I can, and collectively continue to do with other like minded individuals, makes it clear that my work is going to waste. It's not unreasonable to choose to leave, and in so doing, create a pathway for others to learn how to do this as well.

Well, that might have gotten a touch heavy toward the end, but hey, life is complex, and not without a fair share of challenges. The updates will keep rolling. I'm putting together my new one year plan, which goes into effect starting in July! It details out the big steps to learning and preparing for my move, changes to my day to day for work, and the opportunity to leave my giant corporate job for one that is slightly smaller and slightly more pleasant. All in all, the change in the air feels good, and I'm looking forward to doing more.

Here's to the beginnings and endings of many things.

Gemini