#Making his shitty childhood more tolerable to live <3 | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

c-c-cherry · 4 years ago

Text

Our local mafia dads meeting their childrens’ parents!!

Okay, I’ve gotten A LOT of asks about Bruno + Abba meeting Dio and I’ve also gotten an ask or two about them meeting the gang’s parents so they all kind of correlate together so I decided to make one post about it!

For the sake of Polnareff’s sanity, I have to keep all the crusaders alive or else things will end up messy hehehe

*someone asked for Diego but like,,,I haven’t read that much of SBR yet so I don’t think I can do it solely because of lack of character knowledge. I'm sorry anon :(*

◇◆◇◆◇◆◇◆◇◆◇◆◇◆◇

I got a shit ton of asks specificically for a post like this so I hope y’all enjoy <3:

◇◆◇◆◇◆◇◆◇◆◇◆◇◆◇

Giorno

Our boy Giogio has a very complicated family tree, but let's just start with the elephant in the room. Or should I say, the literal fucking vampire.

-Dio would be...interesting, for sure. But he wouldn’t exactly look out of place in their household, considering they’re all wearing ridiculous outfits.

-Depending on how Dio actually acts, Bucciarati would probably invite him in for tea and Abba would sit there silently admiring his green lipstick which he’s 99% sure he saw at Sephora earlier

-You know how fucking extra the man is. The moment he sees Giorno this man literally bursts into dramatic tears with mascara rolling down his face and everything and Giorno is just like “????”

-They would have never guessed that Gio and Dio were related by personality alone. They contradict each other so much its almost funny

-They DO know where our boy got his sense of style from, though,,,and that fucking hair,, :’)

-Even if Dio is absolutely fucking pretty feral, I could see all of them having a pretty civil conversation about everything

-If Giorno wanted to go live with him, he was free to, (but he doesn’t have to)

-Dio learns about Giorno’s previous home life and it takes like 6 people to hold him down for him to not go and march down to his old house to commit vampire crimes

-Dio is scared of shit like tvs and the microwaves and they pay no mind to how weird he is and don’t pick up on the fact that he’s a vampire at all

-Until Polnareff emerges from the turtle, takes one look and him and GOES FUCKING OFF-

-Dio Brando is no longer welcome in the Bucci household

-Though he can see Giorno on weekends if he’s good :3

-Abbacchio can and will sneak out to go shopping with him because Dio always manages to have way too much fucking money and no one knows where it comes from

-Once Bruno finds out, (which he does from the empty Versace and Louis Vuitton bags stashed under his bed) the fun is over >:(

Giorno’s mama and step-dad...yeesh...

-you’ve seen how I made them react to those two if you read The Storm a few months back, and I still stand to the fact that if Giorno didn’t talk about his parents, they would just assume that he just had a weird relationship with them and didn’t want to talk about it

-Once they find everything out, though…*cracks knuckles*

-Bucciarati is the type of person to pick his battles. Would he have tea with Giorno’s mother just to learn her weaknesses and then slowly deteriorate her? Would he civilly promise Giorno’s step-father money only for an assassination team to show up at his door once he gives Bruno his address?

-Yes.

-Abba will go straight for the kill once he’s pissed. Don’t tell me otherwise. Man is ready to throw hands at all times and he’s not afraid to beat the shit out of some shitty middle-aged people

Narancia

Narancia’s mom, like any other sweet mama, would probably sit down to lunch with Bruno and thank him for looking after her son :)

-It would be sweet, very nice and wholesome

-Like literally if the two of them ever met they would probably just sit down together and talk about Narancia and that’s literally it

-Abba claims that he “doesn't pick favourites” (because all the fucking gremlins drive him crazy) but he secretly does favour Nara over any of the other kids

-Knowing everything Nara’s gone through, he would only treat Mela with respect if he ever had the chance to meet her

His dad on the other hand...

-Bruno wants absolutely nothing to do with the man

-He knows that it isn’t entirely his fault for everything that happened with Narancia throughout his childhood, but he wasn’t there when he should have been

-People that simply don’t care to the point of neglect absolutely infuriate Abbacchio because he was like that once too and he’s seen the damage that it does firsthand

-Abba knows if he ever ran into the guy, there’d be hell to pay

-But that’s how he feels about most of his “kids’” parents (considering most of them are absolute assholes)

Trish

-I feel like how they would react to her father is pretty self-explanatory,,,

-but Oh MY GOD Donatella Una and Bucciarati going on shopping sprees together? Being fucking bougie as shit together??? Can I say gucci and mineral water dream team????

-I can bring her back to life if I want to >:(

-She’s the kind of person who’s really great to go out with—like to bars, clubs, restaurants, etc,,,and is willing to do absolutely anything as long as she gets the social rush

-Trish is pretty quiet but her mama’s atmosphere is fucking CONTAGIOUS

-Abba and Dona would do each other’s makeup and she’s the kind of lady that shows up at his door with a pile of DVDs and those fucking cucumber face masks

-Also she collects those expensive-ass collector’s edition barbie dolls and Bruno and Abba always give her the latest holiday barbie for Christmas :)))))

Mista

-Honestly, I kinda see Mista’s parents as pretty ordinary people with nothing really defining their personalities

-They both work a lot and were never really around that much, but once Mista went to jail they pretty much just never reconnected with him and don’t really plan to

-Bruno isn’t particularly angry at Mista’s parents; the kid fucked up pretty bad and even Mista knows that he can’t really blame his family for not wanting to reconnect with a murderer

-It would be pretty mutual if he ever met them; probably a dull greeting over lunch and then they would get back to work

-Abbacchio wouldn’t even bother. He has no tolerance for people that don’t want to interact with them (although if Mista really wanted him to meet them he would suck it up and be decent)

-They seem like the kind of stiff people who would freak out if they were talking to a gang member or someone who lives rougher so their interaction wouldn’t exactly be a long one lol

Fugo

-Fugo doesn’t hate his parents

-In his heart, he still really just wants approval from them even after all they did

-I’m not sure how Bruno and Leone would possibly meet them, but if they did, Bucciarati would probably be pretty civil about it

-They wouldn’t want to talk about their son at all, which would make Bruno pretty irritated and Abbacchio infuriated

-When they do talk about him, they just talk about his anger issues and the fact that he failed their family in both the education department and the social aspect and it takes everything in both of them not to flip the fucking table over

-Because obviously his “parents” never spent any time with him or else they would know how intelligent he is and how much he loves playing piano and helping Bucciarati bake bread and how much he cares about everyone around him

-Surprisingly though, Bruno is the one who holds a grudge about it. If they hadn’t put him in college as young as they did, maybe things would have been different and he wouldn’t be working for the Italian mafia >:( (but he still feels more than blessed to have Fugo in his life) :)

◇◆◇◆◇◆◇◆◇◆◇◆◇◆◇

I have so many posts now that I feel like my headcanons might get lost within my sea of all my other stuff as the time passes,,,I’m thinking of just making a fic/headcanon masterlist and keeping it constantly pinned! (I would link it in my bio but that shit isn’t working no matter how many times I try sjhdkjgfd I hate Tumblr)

If you’ve got an ask, request, or headcanon, hit me up! (I do just enjoy y’alls immaculate vibes, too) <3

#jjba headcanons #jjba #jojo's bizarre adventure #jojo's bizzare adventure golden wind #giorno giovanna #leone abbacchio #guido mista #bruno buccellati #bruno bucciarati #trish una #pannacotta fugo #narancia ghirga #ask-c-c-cherry

120 notes · View notes

nahimjustaworm · 4 years ago

Text

These Hands Can’t Hold His Heart

BakuDeku Fanfic

By WorminaWall on AO3

30k

9 Chapters - Completed

Angst | Pining | Time Skips | Eventual Happy Ending

Rated M

Chapter One

Bakugou is no stranger to pain.

Given his Quirk, pain is a part of his DNA. His climb to the top of his third year class has come with plenty of scrapes and bruises and he’s familiar with hurting other people. Pain, in varying degrees, from varying people, has been part of his life since he was a child. He likes to think that he’s pretty good at tolerating it. He’s not some fucking crybaby who can’t take a punch. He can handle it, and he can hide it. He’s gotten good at hiding it- years of practice helps with that- so much so that he sometimes forgets he feels pain at all.

Sometimes, though, that pain bubbles up in unexpected moments and knocks him off guard. It’s not like any pain he’s ever experienced before, but he’s familiar with it. It doesn’t come in the form of a punch, or a blast, or anything of the sort. Its weapon is shy laughs, determined eyes, freckled cheeks and crooked fingers. A sideways glance. A voice saying a name he has no right being called anymore. The pain of this doesn’t cut him like a knife, it’s not sharp and quick, it emerges from inside his chest, an innate part of him, squeezing his insides until he feels like he can’t breathe. Sometimes it only lasts for a moment, once the glance has been broken, or the freckles turn away. Sometimes it lasts into the night, where he’s laying on his bed, curled up on his side, clutching around his body like he wants to crush that dull ache out of him or help it finish him off.

Bakugou is no stranger to pain.

He doesn’t know if it’s easier now- nearly three years of living in close proximity, two years of them sorting their shit out, one year of a mutual pact to try being “friends” again. The verdict is out on whether or not he prefers this to their constant fights and outward intolerance of each other. It’s taken them what seems like a lifetime to go back to being able to stand next to each other without starting an argument.

There are times where he thinks he preferred the way it was. The times when Deku smiles after Katsuki says something funny, or when he’s the first person the other tells when he’s figured out a new move, or when his shoulder brushes up against his own when they’re sitting on the couch.

There are also times where he’s convinced that what they are now is better. The times when Deku’s smile makes his eyes crinkle after he says something funny, or how excited he gets when he tells him he’s figured out a new move, or when his shoulder brushes up against his own when they’re sitting on the couch.

Hate is an easier emotion to fake than love is to feel.

-----

Everything is going fine until it’s not. Katsuki’s been hiding the pain that has buried its roots inside him for years, but he’s forgotten that pain like this is a disease and other people carry it too. Hell, he’s the one that sowed it.

Moments of weakness unearth buried memories- trauma reveals trauma. They’re only a few months into being Pro-Heroes, and after everything that’s happened to them, they forget that this world is still new to them. They forget until one day Deku’s staring frozen at the spot where a living, breathing human just was two seconds ago and now they’re not. Katsuki’s not there to see it happen- he works in a different district- but he hears the news report about civilian casualties where Deku is and knows that the other is not okay.

Deku comes stumbling into his apartment later that night, uniform still on, gore and dust still covering him.

“What the hell, Deku?” He says, the usual heat not there in his voice. He stands up, ready to force the other to go home and take a damn shower, when the look in those green eyes locks him in place. They’re unfocused, unseeing, haunted. He’s never seen them look like that before.

“You should have let me do it,” he mumbles, voice hoarse. Katsuki winces slightly at the sound of it.

“Do what, what are you talking-”

“The roof. You should’ve let me jump.” Katsuki’s blood runs cold. He’s buried that memory so far inside him that the feeling of it resurfacing is enough to knock the wind out of him. Words he never meant to say ringing inside his head again.

“Why’re you bringing that up now?” He asks, voice weaker than he’s heard it in a long time. They’ve put a lot of things behind them, an unspoken agreement when they decided they’d try being friends again. Ever since that day, they hadn’t talked about it.

“How can I call myself a hero if I let that happen to that woman. How can I ever be worthy of All Might’s power when I can’t even save someone right in front of me?!” He’s looking up at him now, frantic, like a wounded animal. He’s clutching his chest so tightly that Bakugou can practically feel the bite of Deku’s nails on his own skin. “You shouldn’t have ever saved me- I’m not the hero that All Might thought I was! You were right, why did you have to-”

Izuku’s cut short when Katsuki yanks him into a crushing hug.

“Don’t fucking say that.” He hears Izuku inhale a shaking breath to protest, but continues. “You’re only human, not even All Might could save everyone every single time.”

“One for All was wasted on me.” He grips onto the back of Katsuki’s shirt as his tears flow freely. “I’m worthless.”

His voice is so small, like they’re back in middle school again. He hates it, it’s like a slap to the face, a testament to the person he was, the person that planted the seed of doubt inside his childhood friend’s head and tended to it so carefully and meticulously until it blossomed into something ugly.

“This isn’t your fault. It happens to every Pro.”

“I’m not just any person, Kacchan! I’m his successor, I’m supposed to save everyone, how can anyone believe in me if I’ve fucked up this fast!” He’s practically screaming, but it’s muffled by Katsuki’s shirt.

“There wasn’t anything you could do- no, shut up. I know people say that when they’re tryin’ to bullshit you, but I'm not a fucking liar. I saw the footage, you were hit with a binding Quirk. You were lucky you weren’t hit by debris too.” Izuku flinches at that, no doubt replaying the scene in his head. Katsuki tightens his grip, not realizing what he's doing. “Go take a fucking shower.”

He releases his hold, but keeps one hand on his shoulder. For an instant he’s being taken back to a familiar position in an empty classroom.

“All Might's never had any regrets choosing you. And you need to stop thinkin’ you’ve got to do this all on your own.” He removes his hand and straightens up. “Go take a shower. I’ll get you a change of clothes.”

“Y-you don’t mind…?” You don’t mind me being here right now? You don’t mind me being in your space unannounced, despite how many times you’ve pushed me away, despite how many times I’ve had doors slammed in my face? All this goes unsaid, but he knows the other is thinking it. Nothing is going to make him stop thinking that things haven’t completely changed- no matter how many times they do this.

“You think I’m going to send you out looking like that, nerd? The press would go ape shit.”

Izuku smiles meekly. “Thanks, Kacchan.”

After he’s clean they lie on the bed next to each other, staring blankly at the ceiling, and Katsuki feels that crushing weight on his chest again. He’s good at hiding it, but that doesn’t mean it ever goes away.

“Kacchan, why did you do it?” He knows what he’s inferring, he had hoped the other would let it go. It’s just a reminder that there’s this void between them still, this gaping hole where the past should be but he ripped it to shred years ago when he had said those unforgivable words and now the hole is bleeding out again or maybe it never cauterized in the first place-

“You know why,” is his response. The weight of those words is crushing- the implications damning, and he knows that deep down Izuku knows what the connotation is.

The shorter boy- man? Are they men now?- hums his reply. They lie there, their hands mere inches away from each other. They used to hold hands. When did they stop? Who initiated their last gentle contact? He knows the answer to that.

“Why do you keep coming back to me?” He whispers finally, almost hoping the other is already asleep. This question doesn’t mean the same thing it did their first year at U.A.

“You know why.”

Silence envelops them like an old friend.

----

The first year goes by and before he knows it he’s sitting on Shitty Hair’s couch with a cup of something in his hand, half listening to Sero go on about a villain fight he had earlier that week. Most of former class 3-A is here- Katsuki isn’t really keeping track- only knowing that a particular green haired nerd doesn’t seem to have arrived yet. He’s got his elbow on the arm of the chair, chin casually propped up in his hand, eyes slowly surveying the little party Mina’s gathered together. He doesn't know how exactly he ended up here- there was a bribe involved he thinks- but the alcohol is making his head fuzzy and he’s just grateful tomorrow is his day off.

“You know, you’ve sure mellowed out since we met.” Kirishima plops down next to him, drink sloshing around in his cup.

“The fuck are you sayin'?” He grumbles into his palm. Shitty Hair just laughs.

“See, if I would have said anything like that two years ago I would’ve gotten blasted in the face.”

“Too many witnesses,” he replies. They both know it’s a lame excuse- Katsuki’s never given a shit what other people think of him. Well, most other people.

“Yeah okay.” He grins at him. “I’m just saying, before you would have never agreed to come to a party with all of these ‘extras’. I’m really glad you’re here.”

“‘M gettin’ more booze,” is his reply, and he slightly stumbles his way into the kitchen where a makeshift bar has been set up. He’s just finished making his “cocktail”, if it could be called that, when he hears him.

“Sorry I’m late guys.” Katsuki’s not looking over at him yet, but he just knows he’s bashfully rubbing the back of his head. “I just got off my shift.”

He hears Round Face bumble on about something to him, and suddenly he feels nauseated. He wants to back out, change his mind about coming, make up some excuse about needing to leave, fake a villain attack, do something that removes him from this room that’s suddenly shrunk in size. He’s no coward, but the alcohol is muddying up his brain, settling uncomfortably in his stomach, and he doesn’t trust himself to act in his best interest.

He’s considering just escaping out the hallway window when he hears, “Kacchan!” spoken from across the room.

“Excuse me,” he politely says to his friend, his eyes crinkling in the way that makes Katsuki want to punch something. He approaches the other with a smile so genuine Katsuki is sure something's going to get punched now. “I didn’t think you were going to show up!”

He’s not sure how to reply. He calculates the answers in his head, formulating his options, knowing that the easiest is anger or irritation, but the default isn’t what he should choose. He wants to be defensive- he sure doesn’t want to admit the real reason he showed up to be surrounded by a bunch of people he doesn’t give a fuck about.

“N-not that I’m not happy you’re here! I’m glad you showed up! I’m just surprised because Kacchan usually avoids large groups of people, and he hasn’t been in contact with many of us since graduation. It’s interesting that he decided to come today, though maybe because it’s a special occasion and he wants to-”

“Oi, you’re mumbling.”

“Sorry.” He smiles shyly and scratches his cheek. “It’s… it’s nice to see you.”

Pain.

Chest tightening, breath faltering, palms sweating, throat closing- pain, why is there nothing but pain when I see you I can’t stand this pain anymore just stay the fuck away from me so I don’t feel this way I can’t do it-

He downs the rest of his drink. “Yeah, whatever.”

He doesn’t know why he stays. He should have left the moment he had the chance- he shouldn’t’ve come in the first place. He’s screaming at himself inside his head, but his body is moving on its own- he’s pouring more drinks, he’s sitting on the couch, he’s leaning in to conversations he has no right stealing, he’s laughing, he’s stumbling outside with him, he’s walking down the sidewalk, grabbing a scarred arm, pushing his body against the door, fumbling keys, stripping clothes, grabbing at hair, and why the fuck are you doing this you need to stop this why aren’t you listening you fucking idiot how could you do this?!

When he wakes in the morning he instantly runs to the bathroom to retch. Despite purging his insides, he still feels rotted out. He’s pathetic and disgusting and unworthy and selfish and he wants nothing more than to lay on the forest floor and let the moss feast on his rot.

Deku is already gone.

Read the completed fic here >

#bakudeku #bkdk #ktdk #katsudeku #AO3 fanfic #fanfic #fanfiction

23 notes · View notes

animemental · 3 years ago

Text

FMA Forever Part 2

Welcome to Part 2 of FMA Forever. Let’s crack in and answer some burning questions from Part 1.

1. Is there any other instances or aspects of the anime that you want to point out?

There is so much about FMA and FMA Brotherhood I could sit here and unpack. I will stick with significant parts and pieces, relationships and action shots.

I think about Edward and Alphonse’s relationship a lot in regards to mental health. As you may know, Attachment is a hot topic in mental health. The concept of nature versus nurture has so much value in our everyday lives. Your experiences growing up really do affect how you approach stress, life transitions and relationship as you get older.

Ed and Al are ripped from a nurturing environment thanks to illness and a shitty father. Their source of love and positivity died due to grief and illness, two uncontrollable things that no child should have to witness. They experience four significant traumas in childhood that I am shocked do not affect their attachments to others as much as it should. They have a parent leave unprompted, a parent die, failed transmutation where they witness a disgusting blob of flesh and organs MOVING and losing parts (and all) of their bodies. I cannot even fathom how that would mess up your brain. That is nightmare fuel folks.

They do distance themselves from others quite often during the series, sticking together and keeping others at an arms length from their familial relationship. These two seem to think that they don’t deserve positive relationships because they are sinners, failures. They fight on, taking hit after hit and continue to go forward. I think the two of them end up compartmentalizing the terrible things that happen because their brains are constantly dealing to re-traumatizing events. If you pay attention, you will see where the brothers have those moments of intense, overwhelming feelings of being re-traumatized and then how one of them steps in to help the other through it.

2. What is the beef with episode 7?

This will be short because this episode speaks for itself. I commend the creator of this beautiful series for thinking of the worst thing on the face of the planet. If you do not know what a chimera is, go brush up here: https://fma.fandom.com/wiki/Chimera. This episode shows you how low someone can stoop for fame and recognition. I would say Tucker had some psychosis happening when he created Nina-Alexander. He was clearly delusional and running on thoughts of grandeur. He is stuck in the past when he was successful for all the wrong reasons. Needless to say, watching this episode will make you think twice about each character in the series.

3. Tell me more about how Ed discovers his inner spark.

This inner spark is the human ability to cope. It is something I have thought of every time I work with a client. Full disclosure, this is not a theory or something I pulled from a textbook; this is my own thought about how the brain works and how I visualize potential in people.

In order to successfully cope with something, you need to be able to use a skill or strategy that helps your brain and body go back to a state of relative calm. You are able to tolerate something and make it out of the situation being able to continue on with your life eventually. Coping comes in all forms, some good, some bad, some in the grey area. When I think of this spark, it is in your brain and connects to your heart. The human heart is connected to our feelings more so than we think: heart feel like it is going to jump out of your chest when you are nervous? That is because the amygdala, an almond shaped part of your brain that is tied to emotions, says “Hey, DANGER.” Now your heart starts to beat really fast, alerting you that something is wrong and to go into flight, fight or freeze to protect yourself. I think the spark is somewhere near the amygdala, its own little piece. It lights up when your brain senses danger and its job to to convince you that you can handle this, you can cope with this stress. But, you need to be willing to use skills and be creative in order to cope with the danger. Once you use a skill to cope, your heart responds by slowing down.

I believe Ed finds his spark when Scar almost destroys Al’s suit. The episode name is The Ishbal Massacre, episode 15. When Ed sees the damage to Al’s suit, I think the spark goes off and for the brothers, their lives are truly worth something. Ed realizes how easily Al could disappear and there is virtually nothing he can do as Scar over powers them. When Ed scolds Al and he claps back with some words of his own, you see how desperate these boys really are and how far they are willing to go in order to be a family.

I have decided to keep Part 3 a mystery; no prepared questions. I hope you enjoyed these posts so far!

#fma #fullmetal alchemist #anime #manga #anime and manga #mental health #mentally fucked #mentalhealthawareness #action #animemental

2 notes · View notes

justanotherlifeff · 4 years ago

Text

Levi Ackerman × reader

Genre: Angst, Hurt/comfort, Fluff, matured themes, slowburn

Warning: There's mentions and descriptions of underage rape and suicidal themes and self harm.

Levi POV

The M.P expected us to turn Eren in after the failed operation but Erwin apparently had a plan. I woke up and went to the dining hall to find (Y/N) making tea. Just two cups for today. She avoided looking at me. Her eyes were puffy which meant she cried to sleep. I never thought the death of our comrades would make her cry. She didn't seem like someone who would cry about what happened in the past that easily. I didn't want to judge her though because even if I didn't see her get too close to anyone from the team, she still must have cared.

"Rough night?" I asked her as she set down a cup of tea and some biscuits in front of me. "Yeah. A bit" she answered and took a sip of her own tea. There was an awkward silence between us as I didnt know what to say to her. "I wish I died instead. Things would've been better that way" she murmured again and took a biscuit from the plate. "Don't say that. What happened has happened. We can't change anything and I'm glad that you're alive. You're a big asset to the team" I replied. I knew I was bad at giving condolences to people but this probably was the worst I've ever done.

"You aren't glad captain. Wouldn't you have preferred it if Petra was alive instead? After all, you were supposed to get married to her. I... I could've saved her you know. But I didn't because I had some personal issues with her. I wasted that one second of advantage that I had over the female titan just because I didn't know which would've been the right decision. The one I made was clearly wrong, by general ethics and also because it caused a lot more trouble for you and uncle Erwin. The most horrible thing about it is that I… I felt relieved that she's out of my way. I regret the fact that my decision made someone lose their child and someone lose their… loved one. What I did is a punishable offence and I would gladly accept my punishment." she said looking down at the table.

I sighed at that. Of Course she had something to do with this. Someone with her level of skills could've easily gotten out of that situation.

"(Y/N), I will be blunt with you. What you did was selfish, irresponsible and immature. I won't go on with the ethics here because I personally killed people who had a problem with me back in the underground. However, (Y/N), we are not underground now. We are up here where ethics have value. I personally made some very immature mistakes during my first expedition too, trying to kill Erwin. That got the two people I ever gave a damn about killed. I won't report this to the higher ups because I tried to kill a comrade on my first expedition too due to my selfish whims. However, (Y/N), if anything like this happens again, I won't hesitate to report to Erwin. I care about my comrades and you will have to take responsibility for such actions. The titans are already out to kill us during the expeditions and killing each other won't help humanity or your goals. I won't ask you to be ashamed of what you did. You made the decision and you are owning it. However, I am not proud of what you did. I expected you to be able to keep your personal feelings out of your job. By the way what do you mean by that deal about marriage? Petra had a crush on me but the feeling wasn't mutual. I wish I transferred her to another squad but I can't change anything now. Petra and I weren't supposed to get married. She just ranted about it to her father I suppose so that he could convince me." I said to her in a monotone voice, wondering if that thing about marriage that Petra probably bragged to (Y/N) about made (Y/N) make such a bad decision while her eyes widened.

"But I saw you two kissing... " she started when I interjected "she just confessed her feelings to me then and kissed me out of nowhere and you opened the door before I could process the whole information and push her off me." I explained. "But she told me you are dating her..." she started again and I interjected again to say "She was bluffing" this time annoyed because she just isn't getting the message. "But why.." she started again and I stopped her again to say, "because I like someone else you idiot! ".

At this point, she looked like someone punched her in the gut as a flash of regret glinted in her eyes. It passed in mere seconds before she looked surprised at me and asked, "Heichou, don't mind me asking but are you gay? And is that Eren?" The look on my face probably made her understand how ridiculous that theory is. Why did she even assume that? "Sorry for assuming. But if you're not gay, it must be Hanji.." she muttered and I could see a speck of sadness in her eyes. Does that mean she likes me too?

"Why would I even like that titan loving shitty glasses? She's like a sister." I told her in my monotone voice. "Oh! So, is it someone I know?" she asked me. "You do know that I'm your superior right brat? You shouldn't be asking questions like this." I told her. "You told me that I can trust you. Doesn't that mean you should trust me too? And these trust businesses kinda make us friends right? Since we are trusting each other about things that are personal? And I thought friends talk to each other about stuff like who they are interested in." she told me with a straight face but her voice betrayed her. She was nervous.

"What's in it for you?" I asked her. She can't know I'm interested in her. "Just curious. I'm not great at making friends and since I happened to make a friend by myself, I just thought I'll try to make a conversation. Sorry for bothering you captain." she muttered, without looking at me. "Look, it's best if you don't know. I like someone I'm not supposed to. If this gets out, both her and my reputation will be on the line." I explained to her with a serious tone. It was the truth. After a pause, she said, "I happen to be in a similar situation" with a smile. She really should smile more often.

(Y/N) POV

I felt like a complete idiot. Of Course Petra lied. It was all sinking in now. I got someone killed because I was a selfish piece of crap. And to add to my guiltiness, she wasn't even with Levi heichou. How could I do this to her? To her parents? "Why the hell are you still alive! Such a burden... Just get out of my house and die somewhere will you?!" I remember a voice shouting at me, a memory of my childhood, a memory from the underground that never left me. Was I becoming like her? That woman who sold me off to that brothel? Was I becoming like my biological mother? That woman broke every promise she ever made to me. Could I live with myself if I became like that?

I decided not to think more of it because I probably would never be able to look in the mirror and tolerate myself. With that, I stopped thinking about it and just as heichou mentioned that he liked someone, I blurted out that I am in a similar situation without giving it a second thought.

Who was he talking about? That day after looking at Petra kiss heichou, I came to the conclusion that I have feelings for Levi heichou and I don't regret Petra's death because her absence made my insecurities go away. I felt like I'm a monster for thinking that way and cried quite a bit thinking how disappointed my parents could have been, how disappointed everyone would've been in general as I thought about it last night. I also thought that heichou just lost his fiancee and I definitely didn't have a chance because he probably would be too devastated to be with other women.

Now that I knew the truth, I felt plain guilt, however, as there was the slightest possibility that the girl heichou likes could be me, I didn't have any intention to let go of this chance. "I'll tell you who I like if you tell me about you. That way no one can double cross each other." I said to him. "I don't feel comfortable about telling you who she is." heichou stated, not looking at me. I could see him blushing. It was a sight to see.

"We could play a game of 5 questions. We will ask each other 5 questions and both can answer as yes or no. Is that okay?" I proposed. I personally always hated this game that Eren and my fellow members of the 104 trainee corps made up but at that moment, I couldn't think of any other way to get heichou to open my mouth. "Isn't that a children’s game?" heichou asked me, raising an eyebrow. "Well, yes but we don't exactly have things to do right now so why not kill time doing this?" I reasoned. "Yeah I guess we do have some time to kill.." he answered, sounding a bit unsure.

"Do I know her?" I asked. "Yes. And is it a man?" he answered and asked.

"Yes. Is she from the 104 training Corps?" I answered and asked again.

"Yes. Do I know him?" he answered and asked.

"Yes. Was she in the top 10 recruitments?" I answered and asked. A blush formed on my face. So he was into someone from our training Corps..

He looked away and said, "Yes. Is he from the 104 trainee Corps?" The tension between us increased.

"No. Was she in the top 3?" I asked not looking at him. If he says yes, it's either me or Mikasa.

"Yes. Does he happen to be a squad leader?" he asked. His body was tense and he averted his eyes from mine. I did the same since I was too nervous.

"Yes. Was she in the first position?" I almost whispered. I was speechless. I never thought that slightest hope could become something so big.

"Yes. Is he the captain of the survey corps?" he asked while running a hand in his hair. His face looked serious. He was interested in me.

"Yes'' I whispered. I was so shocked that I didn't know how to react. I should've felt happy but in reality, I felt terrified. I knew why I felt that way. It's because the reality sunk into me. The world was a cruel place. Bad things happened whenever I believed in people. I wasn't ready to lose him. I didn't know if I ever could be ready for that. He looked at me with wide eyes. I could see the fear in them. He was scared too and I understood why he felt that way. He was right. This was impossible.

Levi POV

Did we just confess to each other? What the hell am I doing? This isn't like me at all. I seriously agreed to play this stupid game those cadets made up just to know who she had feelings for? I knew that if it wasn't me, I would make their life in the survey corps much more hellish than it already is. Now that I know that it's me, it bothered me that I would have to break her heart.

However, this girl made me make all sorts of bad decisions and I couldn’t even hate her for it. I looked straight at her eyes. She was blushing and her eyes were as terrified and sad as mine. This wouldn't work and she understood it. I was glad that she understood the issue because explaining this would be a big problem.

The silence was broken by Eren. "Hey (Y/N), you made breakfast?" he asked her cheerfully. (Y/N) muttered a "No" with her usual monotone voice. Eren didn't notice the tention in the room because of how stupid he is as he sat down beside (Y/N). "They are late.." I broke the silence.

"I can't believe that good-for- nothing Erwin.. Making me wait. The MPs are going to get here first. Most likely.. He's having some trouble taking a shit." I stated which made Eren laugh while (Y/N) remained stoic. She probably still was processing everything. I took another sip of the tea and placed it on the saucer.

"Heichou, you're pretty talkative today," Eren pointed out nervously. Of Course I was. I confessed to (Y/N) a while back and the situation just got more complicated. I was talking so much because there was too much on my mind. "Don't be stupid. I've always been talkative" I answered instead.

"Eren" (Y/N) called out, her face looked like it had aged suddenly. I knew that she was about to talk about her contribution to the death of my squad to Eren. She seemed more worried about the squad's death.

"I could've saved Petra and that would've saved Oluo but I didn't because of my own personal issues. I was wrong to do that. My priorities shouldn't be greater than anyone's life. I need to know if you can forgive me after hearing this." she told him, her voice monotone.

"(Y/N)... I can't forgive you for the decision you made but, I made a wrong choice too. That was what got you in that situation. It all started from me. Back then, if only I hadn't made the wrong choice things might have been different. Even you were injured..." Eren stated, looking at me at the end.

"I told you two. No one knows how things will turn out. Stop blaming yourselves for this. It's just how the situation was." I answered, shutting them up. The last thing the survey corps needed right now were soldiers that had regrets. Just then Erwin and the others arrived.

(Y/N) POV

Armin came to a conclusion that Annie could be the female titan. The plan was, when the military police would come to escort us, Eren, Armin and Mikasa would sneak out. They would take Annie to the abandoned underground city in stohess district and fight her there with some other survey corps soldiers and with Eren's titan powers. I was supposed to be with Levi Heichou and Uncle Erwin. Both of us were injured and we weren't allowed to participate in the fight.

Everything was going according to the plan until there was a lightning and a gust of smoke. We knew the plan had failed. Commander Nile looked surprised and was talking to Uncle Erwin. I looked at Levi heichou. He was staring at the smoke. Suddenly he looked at me and said, "seems like plan A failed. We need to go somewhere safe until the fight is over. Go tell Erwin to make his conversation quick and get moving". " Yes heichou" I replied and went to Uncle Erwin. My mind was still stuck to the conversation we had this morning. Heichou was right. It was impossible. But... If I couldn't have the one I love, I couldn't reach my goal of happiness. In that case, what's the point of being alive?

To be continued...

Taglist: @kingtamakimurder @realityisoftendisapointing

#levi aot #levi heichou #levi ackerman #levi x fem!reader #levi×reader #aot x reader #aot anime #aot fanfiction #aot

21 notes · View notes

reliciron · 5 years ago

Text

Notes on Redeeming Arcann: Part 2

This focuses more on his character, than the redemption itself.

Part 1

Let’s not forget that Arcann grew up in a shitty situation. I don’t know when Senya left, and I’m not sure how to take that trailer with Vaylin. Either she left after she tried to take Vaylin from Nathema as a kid, or she left after that battle with Vaylin. I’m more inclined to believe it’s the former, personally.

Arcann and Thexan seemed to be a few years older than their sister, so they were maybe in their early teens (I’m really bad at guessing ages, so I could be way off). And even before Senya left, the situation didn’t seem to be too good once the boys were old enough to start training. They were so focused on their father, that the love and support that Senya gave them probably wasn’t enough. In the trailer, Valkorian’s words paint a pretty bleak childhood for them.

They faced a lot of neglect, if not outright emotional abuse from Valkorian, and we can see the effects it had on Arcann as an adult. The things he did are still wrong, but it shows WHY he’s learned to be this way.

So lets think about what values Valkorian would have taught Arcann:

- Weakness cannot be tolerated. Basically the worst thing you can be is weak. The weakness in question can take many forms.

-Weak Will definitely seems to be the biggest no-no for Arcann. Which makes sense, he was probably taught that literally anything can be overcome with Will otherwise you deserve what you get. Win or death, and survival alone is not a win if you fail your objective.

-Physical Weakness seems to be the least brought up one, and when it IS it’s usually in conjunction with Weak Will. Ex. Some Knights go up against the Outlander. When it is clear that they are going to lose, they retreat to save their lives. They are then punished for fleeing when they should have stayed and fought to the death or overcome their weakness to triumph. So it’s less that physical weakness is punished, so much as it’s not accepted as an excuse for failure. [It also shows why he thought that sending them to fight to the death in pairs would be a good punishment. They fled because they lacked the resolve to stay and fight, and making them face this with people they actually like would make it easier for them to face someone they didn’t, like the Outlander, and not flee (on top of them not fleeing because they didn’t want to be executed or go through those death matches again).

Which sounds a lot like something Valkorian would have taught him. Like, when he was a kid and he and Thexan fought grown ass adults and would have inevitably failed (we don’t see it in the trailer but it definitely would have happened). Valkorian wouldn’t have accepted the fact that they were hopelessly outmatched and would have expected them to fight to the last. This isn’t to say that he would have been proud of them if they DID fight to the end. By failing to win, they still failed in his eyes, and if they did manage to win, it was EXPECTED and not something to reward.

-Perfection is mandatory. It calls to mind that scene with Azula in ATLA, where she’s practicing her lightning bending. She does it perfectly except for LITERALLY a hair out of place. Normal people would consider it perfect, and such a detail would so far below notice it’s played as ridiculous that she cares about it (but, you know, still maintaining us being terrified of her). I imagine the same would go for Arcann, except instead of those old ladies commenting on how it was a shame that it was almost perfect, its Valkorian not even acknowledging him at all. At least the old ladies were looking at her, acknowledging her very existence, commenting on her form like maybe she’d get it right someday. Valkorian just walks away. Arcann and Thexan don’t get acknowledgment even when they do it perfectly, because nothing is ever good enough. It causes the boys, especially Arcann, to desperately chase for that acknowledgment that will never come.

(Of course we learn later that the very fact that Arcann and Thexan are in this together is a disappointment to Valkorian. He only acknowledges Arcann when he strikes down Thexan, proving that he will do anything for acknowledgment power, that bonds to others are something that makes you weaker and not stronger (and that now Arcann’s indoctrination into the worst of the dark side is complete. Thexan was the only person who might’ve gotten through to Arcann, and turned him away from Valkorian. He was Arcann’s rock and the only person who was actually THERE for him, both as a protector and a stabilizing force emotionally).]

-Obedience is mandatory. We can easily see that Valkorian expected absolute subservience from Thexan and Arcann. So when Arcann is in power, it’s not surprising that he treats anyone he sees as ‘lesser’ in the exact same way. He is not to be questioned, and if you fail him, even to save your own life, then you will die. There are no second chances.

We can see all of these things play out in his interactions with his Knights. He treats them like he was treated, except they don’t have the luxury of being a Prince, so unlike him, they are expendable.

We can also see why the Outlander pisses him off so much, especially if they are light-side (which you mostly need to be in order to redeem him at all).

He clearly sees them as lesser, if his arrogant attitude and mocking tone are anything to go by when they first meet him. Since they are lesser, they should obey. When they happily don’t, it pisses him off. Nobody tells him no, and they certainly don’t do it as brazenly as the Outlander does.

When he proved he was stronger on Asylum, they should have accepted his superiority and backed down. Not only did they not back down, they became an even bigger thorn in his side.

Then there are the bonds they forged. Arcann was definitely taught that ties to other people were a weakness. Either they would betray you, or they were a liability, but mostly the former. The better part of KotFE is spent recruiting people, bonding with them, and building the Alliance through those bonds. The people following the Outlander chose to be there because they believe in them, not because they feared them. It goes against everything Arcann was taught, so it’s no surprise that he consistently underestimates them. He keeps assuming that a group forged by bonds is no match for one forged by fear.

And then, of course, there’s Valkorian’s favoritism with the Outlander.

This was probably such a shock to Arcann, more so than anything else before.

He spend his whole life trying to get his father to acknowledge him in some way, and it was only after murdering his brother, that he got it. But here comes some rando, from who-knows-where, and his father treats them with respect verging on adrmiration. He says that no one has captured his attention like the Outlander has and he wants them to join him. I remember the way the camera is focused on his offered hand, and Arcann is in the background shifting in surprise and probably outrage. He’d sacrificed so much, suffered so much, just for a fraction of what his father was so easily offering a stranger. Valkorian said Arcann had no ambition, only jealousy, and he’s technically right, just not in the way he thinks. Arcann isn’t ambitious in that he wants the throne specifically, he doesn’t care about ruling, he just wants power and the freedom that comes with no longer suffering under his father’s thumb. But the jealousy is the big one. Arcann is probably ‘jealous’ in the same way as he was ‘ambitious’. He was jealous of the freedom his father had of not having to serve anyone, but in that moment, that isn’t what he’s jealous about. He’s jealous of the Outlander, and the easy acknowledgment that Valkorian gave them, but instead of lashing out at them, he rightfully attacks his father.

Simplified down, it’s like you painted the house, mowed the lawn, and cooked dinner for your dad. You’re exhausted and sore, and all he does is nod and give you 5 dollars. Then he turns around, goes to the neighbor, who had just finished painting their own house, and tells them great job and gives them 20 dollars. You’d understandably be pretty angry, and you didn’t even kill your own sibling.

But as angry as Arcann is with you in the game, I definitely can see his obsession with the Outlander being a little more than just anger. They keep him on his toes in a way that no one else has. They’re a challenge, and other than his father, he probably hasn’t had that in a very long time. They recognize his power (again, that sweet sweet acknowledgment) and fight him even when they know it will be hopeless. And when he knocks them down, they come back even stronger. Even he would find that perseverance admirable. And just maybe, that hesitation to finished the job on Asylum was because he wasn’t sure he wanted to lose that challenge.

One Quick Note on Injuries

At the end of the final fight with Arcann on his flagship, you score one really good hit to his chest, which he clutches at when he’s backing away to the dais. If it’s a non-force user, I think it’s a flurry of 3-4 shots to his chest. If it’s a Jedi/Sith, it’s one really good slash that looks like it goes from just under his left pectoral (same side as his cybernetic arm), to about 4-6 inches under his right. Either way, the scar would be prominent. I do love the hurt/comfort of him seeing the Commander’s scar where he stabbed them. It’s a wonderful opportunity for a soft, slightly sad intimate moment between the two. If he chose to let it stay there, his own scar might be a chance for another moment, or a sort of ‘see? we’re even’ scene.

#swtor #arcann #redeeming a villain #writing #character analysis #kotfe #kotet #valkorian is Bad Dad of the Year #arcann tirall

56 notes · View notes

iwillgetridofyourangerforyou · 4 years ago

Note

Giving a potentially controversial ask: What do you think about shipping in OPM fandom? Do you have any ships that : 1. comfortable for you eventhough you didn't really ship it; 2. made you slightly uncomfortable; 3. giving bad vibes so you nope tf out from it? Disclaimer: I have no intention to provoke a ship war among shippers in the fandom, I just wanna hear honest opinion from you. Thank you very much! ❤

Oh no.

I Should be way more afraid of answering this question than I am. But here goes. >:)

*Disclaimer*

Like you said, this is just my honest opinion. What I’m about to say doesn’t necessarily reflect the complexity of my views on the associated subjects. I also don’t think poorly of people who ship things I don’t ship because of the ship alone. If I dislike someone who ships something I don’t it’s because there are other things going on there in addition to that difference of opinion.

I should also add that I don’t know, nor do I care to know, all the ships floating around out there, so I’m just going to focus on the ones I know of.

Finally, as a personal rule I don’t ship actors or voice actors or bring them into any shipping shenanigans. The audio recordings some of the voice actors sometimes make for fans is even too weird for me most of the time. For me that’s just super creepy and weird. When it comes to shipping I’ll stick strictly to drawn, animated, or written characters only. I get so uncomfortable about this stuff I usually won’t even ship characters who are played by real actors in live action stuff.

Honestly, I don’t really think most ship stuff is realistic or at all representative of the canonical characters and I’m really mainly here for the actual story, which is why I don’t get much into shipping. But alas, I am not entirely asexual or aromatic after all, sometimes it’s just fun.

*Disclaimer*

Ok, Now for the crap posting.

Ya, I ship it.

Definition: I unironically ship this. I don’t give a shit if anyone else does. I like it. It makes me happy.

Saitama and Genos.

Anyone who follows my blog already knows this. They’re my OPM OTP. That said, I don’t vibe with a lot of things that happen in their shipping fandom. Also, their ship is a bit of an anomaly for me, there are several shipping tropes (like the student-teacher trope, and the age difference, for me that age difference is pushing it a little and it’s really at the very max level age difference that I usually tolerate.) that they could be put into that just really aren’t my thing and I like them more despite those than because of them. Anyway, you didn’t ask me about my preferred ship and I could talk about them far too much so I’ll leave it at that.

Heh, this ship is funny.

Definition: I’m a double agent, I’ll follow and support the ship silently but I’ll laugh right alone with anyone who makes fun of it, right up until they start getting nasty (I’m not about that). This is basically your number 1.

Please please don’t murder me for this! The Shitty Teen Squad

More than 99% of the time I’m referring to the shitty teen squad I’m referring to them as the dumbass group of young, hero, friends. But also... there is that non-zero percent.

Garou and Metal Bat

It’s kind of funny, I enjoy seeing some of the fan art for it. I always liked that Garou backed down after seeing Zenko.

Flash and Sonic

I’m a big softie for childhood friends to lovers.

Saitama and King

The only problem I have with this ship is that I want Saitama to love Genos. Otherwise, I would probably ship it harder. I really like that King has pointed out to Saitama areas where he can grow and that Saitama has encouraged King to grow as well.

Saitama and Mumen

About the same as with Kingsai. Except, that I get the impression that Mumen is the settle down in the suburbs with a white picket fence, a loving wife, and a dog, type of guy. Saitama seems to do well with a little more adventure in his life.

Genos and King

There is something I actually kind of like about the idea of this pairing. I think it first occurred to me when King reacted to what Saitama told Genos about needing more power, I feel like King can actually see Genos and if so he seems to be one of the few who can.

Cursed.

Definition: Closest to your number 2. This ship makes me kind of uncomfortable personally but I also get why people ship it. Not my cup of tea, but whatever.

Flash and Saitama

Jelous glares. I don’t have a good reason. I just don’t like it. It makes me sad.

Sonic and Saitama

I don’t like Sonic that much and I have a hard time seeing when/where Sonic changes his view of Saitama to a romantic one (and visa versa).

Sonic and Genos

Like I get it. I really do. It’s a very PRETTY pairing. I just don’t like Sonic that much at the moment.

Fubuki and Saitama

Fubuki is a bitch. I don’t like Fubuki enough to enjoy ships with her. I think she needs to grow a little as a person and I actually kind of like her on her own carving her own path in the world.

Tatsumaki and King

I guess I could maybe see this? But I’m mostly just like HOw?? why??

Garou and Mumen

I’m sorry. I have a hard time getting past the fact that Garou pretty much almost smashed Mumen’s head in and wasn’t even sorry about it.

Drive Knight and Anyone

I don’t know man, Drive Knight just kind of seems like he’s not into the relationship thing at the moment. I just get confused when people ship him.

NOPE. NOPE. NOPE.

Definition: ew. These ships give me major bad vibes for one reason or another. Your number 3. The is a short list because I avoid this as much as possible. I don’t even want to know about them. My life is more peaceful that way. I’m not even going to talk about them because I don’t want to.

Dr. Kuseno and Genos

Metal Knight and Genos

Fubuki and Tatsumaki (or really any incest pairs at all)

There are a few ships that I’ve come across, unfortunately, partially because of shipping Genosai and some of the more unfortunate tropes that ship falls into.

Tony Stark and Peter Parker (Marvel Universe)

Eggsy and Galahad (Kingsman 2014)

_____________________________________________

So, I know I missed a lot of possible pairings but this post was getting really really long. (I didn’t even have Amai Mask in here at all) But if you’re really interested you can send me an ask and I’ll give you my vibes.

Please, respect my disclaimers, keep in mind that shipping can be a really touchy subject and all I can give you is my personal subjective opinions, and keep in mind that if I don’t want to answer your ask I just wont.

#asks #ask #anon #shipping #shit post

5 notes · View notes

phoenixrisesoncemore · 5 years ago

Note

It’s true, I personally think the universe is really amazing yet also really stupid, but maybe it’s because I think of it as another rough in-process draft of an indefinite number, to use your metaphor. But anyway if going by the premise + logic of what you say at the end of your post, how would one theoretically know that this universe isn’t the result of someone else remaking a former, even shittier/less amazing universe into something less shitty/even more amazing.

Hi, Anon. Sorry this took me a bit. I think that’s a great question (like, I can’t quite express how great because it gets too close to some other writing I am doing for me to talk about it too much right now, but it’s a *really* great question)!

[Note this is in response to this post.]

In the real world, I’m not sure there’s anyway we *could* know if we are living in one of a series of universes and most especially whether the cause of the “Genesis” of any of said universes was the result of the action of a conscious being working to “improve” on its predecessor, but it’s fascinating to consider! It’s really a *series* of great questions:

Are we in one of a linear series of universes?

Can we know if and how the previous universe in the series differed from ours?

Can we know if our current universe was engineered by a consciousness in the previous universe in response to fundamental conditions in the previous universe?

Is the current universe in some way ethically superior to the previous one and how would we measure that?

According to Cosmology

If we take out the metaphysical/theological/moral aspect as well as the “intention of a conscious instigator” aspect (that is, stick to question 1) it’s basically cosmology’s “Big Bounce” hypothesis (Einstein’s cyclic model, for example) where the universe doesn’t begin or end, but simply collapses and then re-expands in a cycle forever—Crunch, Bang, Crunch, Bang, etc. Something I’ve wondered for a while: if this is true, could there be any evidence available to us that past cycles existed and, if so, what they were like? I don’t know what such evidence would be (not that I’m, like, an expert :D), but that’s just a small part of the question you’re asking.

I don’t remember if the underlying “laws” of the universe were conceived as capable of changing between cycles in this conception—is gravity still the same, is there still electromagnetism, is there still entropy?(1) If we want to do more than limit this question to the material/mechanical “is it possible?” by looking at the moral implications(2) then we’d need for some of the underlying laws to be able to change.

There is an alternative to the Big Bounce: each universe (a) may create new universes (b, c, d, ...) through some action(s) either within the universe (a) or outside of all universes. White holes are an example of the former: new, separate universes beginning from singularities inside white holes in our universe. Brane Theory postulates that this happens when meta structures outside the universe called “branes” bump into each other; this would be an example of the latter. And I’ve seen versions of hypotheses for both that suggest the fundamental laws of nature need not be the same among the universe (a) and the universes (b, c, d, ... ). But as far as I know (and that’s not necessarily saying a lot :) ), no one has found a way to make these hypotheses falsifiable.

Still none of that addresses the conscious intent question, to say nothing of the last question; the last is, of course, quite subjective.

According to Religion

I’m not very familiar with religious/philosophical(3) conceptions of Creation as cyclical, though I know they exist in Buddhist and Hindu models as well as in the ancient Mayan religion. I’m afraid I don’t know which, if any, view this process as one with a goal or direction. Is growth and improvement of the universe and its mechanisms from cycle to cycle important in the same way as it can be said to be important for living creatures within it in these models? Furthermore, do any suggest that any such improvement is, was, should be, or will be the result of conscious, intentional actions? Can anyone help me out on this one?

It’s a fascinating prospect though. I’d even say it’s a hopeful prospect (and maybe, just maybe, not entirely out of line within the context of Tolkien—see below)!

[Forgive me if I get a bit over-explicatory and didactic here—it helps me to write all this out, even if it might be common knowledge to readers, particularly in the Silm fandom.]

For the purpose of my previous post, I’m speaking (somewhat obtusely) about Tolkien’s cosmological/metaphysical belief system which, at least by the time of the writing of the contents of the published Silmarillion, is somewhat in line with his underlying Catholic faith. The issue at hand, of course—and the issue that Tolkien was trying to “solve” (or at least consider)—was The Problem of Evil.

How does someone working from a Christian perspective square the fact that the world is filled with horrific pain and suffering with belief in the existence of an omnipotent, omniscient, and omnibenevolent God? David Hume in his Dialogues Concerning Natural Religion expressed the problem thusly: "Is he [God] willing to prevent evil, but not able? then is he impotent. Is he able, but not willing? then is he malevolent. Is he both able and willing? whence then is evil?"(4)

One such answer to this question includes an appeal to Free Will—after all, if people are to be allowed Free Will, then they must be allowed to use that will to commit evil, even if an omnipotent, omniscient, and omnibenevolent God would prefer they did not, since that is the definition of Free Will. And this may be convincing for some—or even for me on good days so far as it goes—but it does not address the fact that the natural world, up to and including processes that are several steps removed from consciousness/will (or even life!), generates the conditions for suffering. Free Will may explain why God tolerates things as unconscionable as genocide, but it does not explain why most of Nature consists of suffering as an integral part of its mechanism: we can see the fear in the prey animal’s eyes when it hears the twig snap, but the predator has to eat, too. Suffering is required for the system to run. The story of The Fall as told in Genesis may explain why such suffering happens to human beings, but it does not explain why it happens to everything else, why The Whole Damn Thing Is Fallen.

Enter Melkor stage left.

Tolkien’s Felix Culpa

There’s a quote in one of Tolkien’s letters where he addresses The Problem of Evil almost directly. Tolkien is writing to his son, Christopher, during his RAF training during WWII. Christopher was the child closest in mind to Tolkien, himself, and I am sure his proximity to danger at this time was especially hard for Tolkien on a number of levels. In Letter #66 Tolkien writes the following:

“I think also that you are suffering from suppressed ‘writing’. That may be my fault. You have had rather too much of me and my peculiar mode of thought and reaction. And as we are so akin it has proved rather powerful. Possibly inhibited you. I think if you could begin to write, and find your own mode, or even (for a start) imitate mine, you would find it a great relief. I sense amongst all your pains (some merely physical) the desire to express your feeling about good, evil, fair, foul in some way: to rationalize it, and prevent it just festering. In my case it generated Morgoth and the History of the Gnomes(5).” —Letter #66, to Christopher Tolkien, 6 May, 1944

The cosmology and theodicy of Tolkien’s Secondary World (Middle-earth, Arda, Ea) is laid out in the first chapter of The Silmarillion (Ainulindale, aka “The Music of the Ainur”) and represents an attempt to “make sense” of a world that could generate the kind of evil he had experienced in his life. If I may postulate: the death, during his childhood, of first his father and then mother; what he perceived as his mother’s martyrdom for her Catholic faith; and the endless mechanized, brutal, and senseless horror of WWI.

The answer to this for Tolkien was Melkor/Morgoth, his own resident Satan. But unlike Christianity’s Satan, Morgoth/Melkor had both sub-creative capabilities(6) and was responsible for some aspect of the “Design” of the universe through his Marring of the Music.

In my post the “drafts” are the Two Themes that were sung before the Third Theme (most importantly The First Theme—the Perfect World). The Third Theme is the Theme that finalized the means by which Melkor’s Marring would be integrated into Eru’s greater purpose in such a way as to generate Good that is far greater than what could exist in The Perfect World. It is the Theme that describes our Fallen World.

As The Fall of Man is envisioned as a “Happy Fault” (Felix Culpa), a sinful act that nevertheless allowed the far better redemption of Man through Christ to happen, so too is Melkor’s Marring of the Music envisioned as the means by which greater things than could have been otherwise will arise in the world.

The Problem of Evil as it extends to suffering “baked in” to the system is thus “solved” by placing a conscious agent, allowed Free Will, between God and material reality, with sufficient privileges to affect the design of the universe (Laws of Nature) and sufficient power to enact those designs, however evil, in matter, itself. While that latter part is not unique to Tolkien (hello demonology), the former is not something I have really encountered in quite that form anywhere else.

Now, getting back to your question and tying it to Tolkien :).

At first glance it might appear that any kind of cyclic model of the universe, with the actions of finite, fallen, non-divine beings working to “improve” on the designs of their divine predecessors, would be antithetical to Tolkien’s increasingly Catholic metaphysic. And yet...

Pair up some statements he made regarding both the Primary and Secondary Worlds with the events of the short story Leaf by Niggle and things look rather different. Tolkien said in a few places that he hoped that the ultimate fate of humans, as fundamentally sub-creative beings, would be to have God grant reality to their ideas, in the same way Eru grants material being (reality) to the vision created by the Music of the Ainur. This is essentially what Niggle receives when he reaches the upper layers of “purgatory”: his Tree made REAL (“Ea! Let these things Be!”). Not only that, his experience of it and its reality is intimately tied to his neighbor, Parish, the man who in life was always getting in the way of Niggle finishing his Tree painting. And this is a supremely important point for Tolkien and its the point that Melkor rebels against: sharing in the work of creation. Melkor cannot abide it, to the point that he would rather make all of creation not exist if it can’t consist only of his own mind.

Indeed, even in the context of his Secondary World there are hints that after the end of the Universe, Men will Sing a new Music, supplying their own ideas for the Design of new Eas. What would these human ideas be, and might they include universes even better than Ea, Men having lived in it and having not originated outside it and having been granted a capacity for working outside The Music unlike any other beings in Ea?

Well...one does wonder....

Notes

I seem to remember that the Second Law of Thermodynamics is one of the reasons this hypothesis fell out of favor back in the late 20th century

And unless I can lay my ethical issues with Nature purely at the feet of the happenstance of evolution on our particular planet (maybe on other planets life evolves in such a way that suffering does not exist but all the good stuff does?).

There’s also Nietzsche’s question of Eternal Return (among other philosophical equivalents). However, I don’t think that required distinct universes, but rather merely infinite time in which matter might, by sheer probability, return to a copy of its previous arrangement.

I posted a quote from Candide not long ago. In Candide, Voltaire was directly mocking Gottfried Leibniz’s take on this issue—that our reality must represent The Best of all Possible Worlds because it is the reality that God chose to create. OK, sure, Gottfried.

“History of the Gnomes” refers to the tales of the Noldor (then called “Gnomes”) and the Silmarils that make up the bulk of The Silmarillion.

It wouldn’t, I think, be out of the question to view much of Tolkien’s divine cosmology as rather Gnostic in flavor: a supreme One delegates creative powers to subordinate divinities who enter into the world, much as some Gnostic thought perceived the demiurgic Yahweh as doing, against the will of the higher God. The (very important) differences being that the Ainur’s powers (at least by the time of the writing of the contents of the published Silmarillion) were only *sub-creative* (they could not create matter or material existence ex nihilo), that material existence is conceived of as fundamentally good (divine sparks/souls are not “trapped” in matter), and that the demiurgic entities are not themselves responsible for creating humans (who are positioned as their peers).

17 notes · View notes

new2fivesauce · 5 years ago

Text

Please Don't Regret Me - 4. Lavender Sheets

4091 words.

No Warnings... I think.

Sorry for the looooooong wait. I hope this makes up for it. I think the ending sucks but I needed to get this out my head fast before I put it off again. Enjoy.

June 2018.

Nelle's departure from being 5 Seconds of Summer’s assistant had been abrupt, leaving her feel like she had left her job incomplete thus causing her to spiral through a series of emotions and phases she believed she hadn’t felt since she was a raging, hormonal teenager.

The day she had given her news, they all awkwardly arrived at the airport at the same time. In her haze of emotions, she had not changed nor cancelled her flight to Australia and since 5sos was also flying international, they were stuck in the same terminal. Luke and Nelle did not speak again since their elevator meet. Michael noticed their tension, but didn’t say anything. His saddened green eyes only flickered between the two as they both tried their best to ignore one another. It wasn’t how she wanted to leave Luke, but she didn’t want to get his hopes up.

Calum, however, was the first to come up to her and apologize, practically beg her to forgive him for being such a selfish, shitty friend. Ashton and Michael followed suit with their apologies letting bygones be bygones. They agreed to keep in touch; everything returning to somewhat normal although the guys still looked bummed walking towards their flight with their new assistant.

She’d spent a couple weeks in Australia, staying in the house duplex she and Calum had bought together with their first good paychecks, but had hardly used due to constant traveling. She spent time with her parents, visited the guys' families, cleaned their empty homes to not waste money on a cleaning service, and took the duties of taking care of Duke from Mrs. Hood. Nelle also hung out with a few old schoolmates but quickly regretted that choice. They all seemed to “remember” how good friends they were, trying to manipulate Nelle for favors or money only because she knew “certain” people.

Mali-Koa, Calum’s sister, came to visit one week. She’d heard the news of Nelle’s leaving, and insisted that she come back with her to London.

“Girl, you needed a break from those dweebs anyways.”

So she did.

Nelle didn’t last very long in London though. Word had been passed of Nelle’s whereabouts which caused a very weepy, distraught Michael to leave a lengthy voicemail about betraying them for Cal's bitchy sister. She wasn’t really enjoying her time in London anyway, leaving Mali about 3 weeks later. She made a quick visit back to Australia before deciding that perhaps living in her vacant loft in Manhattan wouldn’t be such a bad idea. She’d let Calum know that Duke was coming with her before departing to the Big Apple.

She’d only been in NYC for two days when she’d run into a childhood friend that was not Calum.

Sasha Hendricks had been Nelle’s best friend when their parents were in the Army. They’d lived on the same bases and traveled the world together before Nelle’s parents settled in Australia and Sasha’s in Texas. Every year, before Nelle took on her job with 5sos, the girls alternated spending summers with one another in their country. They hadn’t seen much of each other in more than five years so no doubt it was a huge surprise when they both walked into the same small, cozy café.

Sasha had derailed from her parent’s Army footsteps to become a model. Not in the big leagues with faces like Kendall Jenner and Gigi Hadid, but she was aiming to get there.

With Sasha there, she didn’t feel so alone in the big city. It made her move a lot easier to handle but also there was just something about the city of New York and all of its noise that made Nelle feel at her calmest. She hadn’t been in the city for more than a two weeks now but if she had to be completely honest with herself, this was the best she’d felt in a long time.

<<*>><<*>>

Duke pushed ahead of Nelle, clearly already knowing his way around their block. He sniffed along a passerby's shoe, received a compliment from a passing child, and then decided he has enough the outdoors. He led the way back to the loft.

Nelle had just passed her building lobby’s front desk, when the security officer called her back. She looked down at Duke, where he was already looking up at her as in saying Oh shit, what did we do?

“Padilla, right?” the officer asked her from behind his desk. Nelle nodded slowly. “A package arrived for you while you were gone. Delivery guy didn’t want to leave it outside your door.” He said this as he retrieved a rather large box from the floor next to him. He heaved it over the desk and slid it over to her. She glared at the box hesitantly, not sure if she could carry it up to the 5th floor by herself.

“It’s not as heavy as it looks.” Security said, noticing her expression.

She thanked him for holding her package, grabbed the box awkwardly… he was right. It was not as heavy as it looked, then proceeded, with Duke at her feet, to the elevators.

Nelle barely made it inside her loft with the enormous box. Sure it didn’t weigh a ton, but five floors was a long time to be carrying a box.

Duke ran in, going straight to his water bowl near the kitchen. He didn’t care when Nelle set the cardboard box next to him. She went into one of her kitchen drawers, pulling out a knife to cut through the tape sealing the flaps down.

There were five thin, but square shaped boxes inside with a thousand packing peanuts. She made sure to carefully remove the small boxes without making a mess of the peanuts. She couldn’t risk Duke swallowing one up. The thought of telling Calum if such thing happened nauseated her.

Nelle was in the midst of opening the first thin box, when there was a knock on her door. Duke peeked around the kitchen corner to look at the door suspiciously. He growled a bit as Nelle went up the door.

“Duke… it’s just Sasha.” She clarified after peeping through the door hole and swinging the door open.

Sasha sauntered in, wearing a very see-through top and what looked like plastic pants. Her feet kicked off the six-inch heels with a sigh of relief. One heel slid close to Duke; he growled at it.

“Yeah, pipsqueak. It’s just me.” Sasha stuck her tongue out at the small dog. Nelle thought she imagined Duke rolling his eyes at the model.

Duke was kind to everyone… well almost everyone. Sasha had accidentally stepped on Duke's paw on their first meet. Ever since then, he tolerated her. He let her pet him but for the most part, he just stayed clear of the tall brunette.

Without another word, Sasha found her way to Nelle’s bedroom, emerging ten minutes later in a pair of Nelle’s Halloween pajama pants that were slightly too short since she was taller than Nelle and a Led Zeppelin t-shirt that fit too big.

Nelle hadn’t noticed Sasha wearing the shirt until she came up beside her about to open the first of five packages. Seeing her friend in the shirt made her freeze, her throat closed around a sudden lump that made it almost too hard to speak.

“Hey Sash… where’d you get that shirt from?” Nelle croaked. Sasha shrugged.

“Your suitcase. Why?” the girl looked down at the shirt and suddenly a zesty whiff of it caught her nose. Sasha hardly hung out the boys, only when she been to Australia during the summers, but she knew a guy smell when she smelt it and by the way Nelle’s face had gone temporarily pale, she slowly retreated back to the bedroom because she now realized this was not just some random shirt. Sasha knew all about Luke. She knew it was a bit of a touchy subject. She quickly changed into another shirt that was lying around.

Finally, when Sasha came back into the room, Nelle opened the awaiting first package. The flaps of the skinny box opened fully until they were flat against the kitchen counter surface. Staring up at her were four familiar faces in various shades of yellow, violet, and blue. The word YOUNGBLOOD was written across the middle in a graffiti red font. Nelle carefully lifted the plastic entrapped vinyl record from the cardboard.

Sasha, hovering over her friend’s shoulder, whistled lowly. “Damn, you didn't tell me Cal looked that good now!”

Nelle snickered and threw back a playful hit to Sasha's side. “I've tried to hook y’all up multiple times. You two just hate love so much.” Sasha scoffed as she pulled the new record from Nelle’s grip. She flipped it over to see the back and the track listing.

“Oh, I’ve heard Want You Back just the other day. Was Luke singing about you?” Sasha mused as she put the vinyl down and helped open the other boxes. There were two more of the same record, two CDs, and finally at the very bottom of the original box under the packing peanuts was the band’s clothing merch to go along with the new era.

Nelle ran her hand over the material of one of the shirts that showcased the boys' faces. Her fingers lingering over Luke’s face. “Nah. That song was written before I left.”

Sasha’s eyebrow quirked up, but she shrugged her shoulders. She held up one of the CD albums. “Should we listen?” Nelle nodded. “Good, because we were going to regardless.”

<<*>><<*>>

Nicole: Welcome back everyone. If you’re just tuning in, we have 5 Seconds of Summer in the studio right now! They’ve just released their new album and they were thoughtful enough to stop by today to talk about it. Guys, why don’t y’all say hello again.

Michael: Hey, I’m Michael.

Ashton: I’m Ash.

Calum: Calum, here.

Luke: And I’m Luke. We’re 5 Seconds of Summer.

Ryan: We have a few more questions from our callers. This one is from Mary: Youngblood is obviously the principal track seeing as it’s also the name of the album. Did you know that that was going to be the name of it or was it like a damn, we forgot to name the album, quick, just pick a song to name it after kind of thing?

Michael: HA! Yeah, that last option. Without a doubt.

Ashton: No, really! It was. We had other titles that we were referring the album to during the recording session, but we had to scrap a bunch of songs and basically start over. The album wasn’t fully completed and to our satisfaction until just last month. We had the promo pictures, the whole works, and then they were like ‘Is this going to be named Untitled?’ and Mike was like ‘What’s our next single? Just call it that.’

Nicole: Woow! I guess your fans really know you, huh? So I’ve been listening to it pretty much on repeat and some of these songs are really deep, heart wrenching, very mature. Very different from your previous albums. Can you explain the writing process and how this album was not like the others?

Luke: With Youngblood, they gave us a lot more creative permission, I guess is the right way to put it. Our other albums were done when we were teens so lyrically and musically, they didn’t give us as much freedom as they did with YB. We had to take a break after the release and touring of the second album because we were just so worn down; our physical and mental health were at an all-time low.

Ashton: It just sucked, really. We couldn’t focus or concentrate on what was going to be our new album when we just weren’t feeling like ourselves. Halfway into our break, Want You Back just came to me. When I played it through for the first time to the guys, everything else just came naturally from there. I guess that would be the rawness and deep, wrenching sound you hear so different from our previous work.

Ryan: One of our listeners is asking if any of the songs are about anyone in particular. Girlfriend maybe?

Calum: Umm… no? Ha, I don’t think so. At least none of the songs that I input in aren’t about anyone. I mean… sure, we take from our past experiences and put them into song, but for me, that’s a no.

Michael: Cal is anti-love, everyone. I think, like Cal said, we take from our past experiences; we’ve been up, down, and around the world for a long time. That does it make difficult to be in a relationship with someone and actually make it work. I’ve tried, Ash has tried, we all have. It’s just not in our cards right now.

Ashton: Unless you count our personal assistant…

Nicole: Whoa! Personal assistant? Who’s dating the personal assistant? … … Listeners, everyone is looking at Luke.

Ryan: Aww, he’s blushing.

Calum: He’s not dating our personal assistant. What Ashton means is… our EX-assistant, who had been with us since before the beginning, ya know, quit on us just before we released Youngblood the single. We’ve never been with any other assistant than her. So, it’s been challenging to say the least and Luke, who’s probably the most dependent person EVER, has been having a grueling time adjusting without her here.

Ashton: Yeah, yeah! Nelle was the best! She was like f*cking top-notch. I think like Rihanna, One Direction before their hiatus, uhh, I want to also say Fifth Harmony have tried to hire her when she was still with us. She’s like the fifth member of the band. She’s the fifth Second.

Michael: Dude, that was lame. But so damn true. Funny story, she used to come out in a lot of our paparazzi pictures and the fans would just ugh, be so nasty to her because they thought she was one of our girlfriends or whatever. We had to come out with a statement saying like yo, chill, she’s just our assistant, she means no harm, she’s just walking me to McDonalds… Then the fans were like OMG Nelle has the best style and she’s so beautiful blah blah blah. So, she’s a Yale student now with one of those influencer instas… so make sure to follow @seeyouneller…

<<>><>><<>><<>><<>><<>>

The hotel room was tense. No one dared to make a sound as Luke paced back and forth. His fury running off him, his hands were clenched at his sides, his mouth in a scowl, his light blue eyes were dark as the ocean floor.

Calum nervously looked at his blonde friend, worried that even just glancing at him might cause Luke to erupt. The longest five minutes passed before Luke stopped walking. He turned his body to the cowering three. He inhaled and then signed the heaviest sigh.

“I swear, you have the biggest fucking mouth!” Luke exclaimed towards Ashton.

Ashton shook his head, his red locks bouncing around his head. The newly dyed red hair matched Ashton’s hot head nature and with Luke going off on his, Ashton didn’t know how much longer he could hold it in.

“It was just a statement! I didn’t exactly say Oh Luke is dating our ex-assistant because it’s not fucking true. It was just a quip. You two left off on… whatever the fuck ya’ll left off on, so… It was nothing, Luke.”

Luke glared at the drummer. His breathing was hard, making it look like his whole body was shaking. His fists were clenched at his side, knuckles white to the bone.

“Yeah, dude. I mean, it could have been me who was dating her.” Michael chimed in. “Sorry we looked at you. I don’t know what to really say… It’s just one interview of like a hundred that we’re going to do. No one is going to get anything out of it.”

Calum, who had remained quiet this whole time, suddenly cleared his throat. His friends all turned to him, Luke’s eyebrow raising in a bold way.

“You know we are in New York though.” Calum started. “And we were on satellite radio… You guys remember Sasha… Nelle’s other best friend. Would spend the summer with her every other year? Had braces for like ever then the last summer she visited, she was super hot?”

“Yes, we know you have the hots for her.” Ashton said exasperatedly. “What about her?”

“Anyway, she texted me. She heard the interview. Nelle listen to it. No biggie.” Calum tried to smile, but failed tremendously. Michael darted his eyes to Luke.

“We didn’t say anything bad about her. She’s fine, right? Fuck… I should text her. We should ask her to get dinner with us. She’s back at the loft, right?” Ashton pulled his phone out his pocket as he spoke. He was already tapping rapidly on his phone before anyone could answer.

Luke furrowed his eyebrows, cocking his head to the side. “You’ve been talking to her?”

At this question, Ashton slowly lowered his phone to his lap. He gulped audibly. His words were stuck in his throat. He hadn’t meant to slip up. It had been decided that he with Michael and Calum were not going to tell Luke where Nelle was living at. He had already tried to follow her to Australia once and London.

It had been unpredicted what each member would go through at Nelle’s departure. Calum was sad for a few days; he wasn’t sure what to do with himself without his travel buddy, but quickly adjusted to the new assistant. Michael, too, was upset, but he was adapting well. Ashton wallowed for a bit, maybe more so than Calum and Michael, because like Luke, he still crushed way too hard on Nelle. He knew that there was nothing ever going to happen between the two; he’d realized that Nelle did have feelings for Luke, so he had to get over it, and she was always a text or phone call away, so the adjusting wasn’t too difficult. It was just she was not there anymore, physically.

However, Luke went through a tantrum phase. Anything the new assistant did was absolutely wrong. He blew up at the smallest things. If he asked for room temperature water, but got slightly cool water, he would throw a bitch fit. He distanced himself from the band for a bit. He only spoke with them when they had shows or interviews. He’d stayed locked up in his bus bunk, hotel room, wherever they were staying at. He’d text Nelle and she’d never reply. He had tried to go Home whenever he’d spoken with his mother and she told him that Nelle had just left her house. He tried to go to London when he’d overheard Michael leaving a rather upsetting voicemail about her disowning them for Mali-Koa. The sudden vastness of her being not there threw him for a loop. This crush, intense liking, feeling for her was messing with him severely. If she’d departed the band at any other time, he knew he wouldn’t be reacting this way. She just had to leave when his emotions for her had just blossomed.

Fuck.

Calum suddenly raised up from his spot on the couch. He was nervously spinning his phone in hand, checking the time after every third spin.

Suddenly he stopped, facing Luke. Calum’s head tilted slightly, confused at once.

“I just don’t fucking get it.” He mused. This time it was Luke to look bewildered. “Why? Why are suddenly so strung up on Nelle? You’re acting so clingy and it’s weird. You’ve never shown any interest in her. We go on hiatus, start touring again and all of sudden you’re acting like her boyfriend. Giggling, sleeping in her room, fighting to sit next to her, inside jokes…”

“Ya know… now that you’re saying it like that, it definitely seems like Luke is keeping something from us.” Michael chimed in. Ashton’s head perked up towards the front man. Could Luke been harboring a secret this long, months on end? Luke was never good with keeping quiet.

Luke’s eyes darted around his bandmates. His scowl dropping, being replaced with nervous lip chewing and nervous hand twisting.

He inhaled and exhaled heavily.

“We kissed.” He blurted out after what felt like minutes of awkward silence and three pairs of eyes awaiting eagerly.

Michael clutched his imaginary pearls, his very exaggerated gasps filling the room.

“What? When? Where? HoooOOOOoOW?” he howled. Calum shot him an annoyed glance.

Calum was neither shocked nor upset about the statement. He just wanted to know what happened between his two best friends. He just wanted his band to go back to normal.

“It was when we were on break.” Luke exclaimed. Ashton’s eyebrow raised. He recalled him spending time with Nelle, not anymore than usual, yet she never brought up the fact that she had kissed one of his best friends.

“Well that explains fucking everything.” Michael stated sarcastically. “C’mon, there’s gotta be more.”

Luke sighed, shaking his head.

“I was supposed to be doing my therapy sessions, but every time I'd get in the car, I’d have these intense anxiety attacks that kept me from driving. I told Cal and he suggested he drive me… I said okay and on the next time I went to his house so we could ride together. He wasn’t there but Nelle was.

“She was supposed to be on vacation just like us but I explained to her what had happened and she insisted. She took me to my session and we got lunch afterwards. It was weird. We didn’t say much, just made polite conversation.

“On my next session, same thing happened. Cal forgot, wasn’t home, Nelle took me. It became a routine. She took me to all my sessions even after I objected to wasting her time and I could easily get my mom or one of you to take me.

“The day that Ash came up with Want You Back…” Luke paused, his cerulean blues looking towards Calum wearily. “After the session, I was reading the texts from you, telling me to all meet at Cal's because Ashton called a band meeting so we got there but obviously no one was there yet. Nelle invited me into her house. I’d never been inside but that time we helped her and Cal move in…

“By this time we had kind of become friends but there was this tension and I know she felt it too. Next thing I know we're making out… like full-on making out, with her pulling me towards her room. We get in there and we collapse on her bed. I remember black everything and lavender sheets. It smelled like her pop rocks smelling lotion with a twinge of weed. We're kissing. Intensely.”

Luke stopped talking again. All the boys were staring at him, in awe of the story he had been struggling to keep internal. Calum noticed the way Luke reached up to place a hand on his chest; he clutched the material of his gray shirt, a far off in the distance glassy gaze on his handsome face.

“She heard Calum’s car on the driveway before I did. I’d been so absorbed in her, thinking how the fuck is this happening? Is this really fucking happening right now! She separated from me so fast that I felt literally cold and empty. Then she acted like nothing happened. She didn’t say anything about it. Just went on like… as if it just didn’t occur.

“But I couldn’t forget. I tried to talk to her about it and she just acted like she didn’t know what I was talking about so I did the same. Then we started touring again and working on the new album and it was a distraction. A good one… until I realized that I liked her. That’s why I was getting to know her, bothering her, hanging around her. She couldn’t tell me no knowing that it would look suspicious to you. I think she gave in to me eventually because I know she feels the same. She feels the same way I feel for her.

“And I'm sorry. I’m sorry to all three of you for keeping this secret. For being a fucking asshole. I just… I think it’s beyond the like stage. I think I’m like… at the L-word stage.”

#5sos #5 seconds of summer #luke hemmings #calum hood #michael clifford #ashton irwin #please dont regret me #luke hemming imagines #5 second of summer imagines #5sos imagine

26 notes · View notes

quietlysatan · 6 years ago

Text

Can Your Friends Do This? - Watermelonsmellinfellon, AO3 (Though OP said they cross posted on FF.net too)

Link: Here!!

Rating: Mature

Favorite Quote(s): Because I love The Avatar show

"First, there are more than one dimension and more than one universe. Foolish mortals are the only ones to assume they are the only forms of intelligent life in their respective universes. This Earth we are on resides in a different universe altogether and consists of nations of people who possess an affinity with the elements. Some are born as mixes of two and use chakra to create new elemental affinities or abilities. This planet Earth parallels another planet Earth in another dimension of this universe, where there are only four large nations and each represents either fire, water, earth, or air, and with beings able to bend their own element to their advantage."

And these ones because these four are important.

1. "A lot of suicidal people didn't really want to die, they simply wanted the pain to cease so that living once again seemed worthwhile."

2. Hari was very firm on her decision. She'd always been the one rescuing people and never once realized that maybe she should have been rescued.

3. “Despite his wish to be Hokage and to be a hero, I realized that someone needed to rescue him first for that to happen. And so I took the job."

4. "I've lost many people, and while it doesn't coincide with what others will tell you in life, it actually does get better. There aren't enough hours in the day to keep thinking about what you've lost. There are jobs to do, and people to watch over, and even your own health to consider. You won't have the time to recount every mistake you've ever made. And the pain from their distance will eventually dim and become tolerable. The only way it wouldn't get better is if you keep thinking about it all the time. People who are always depressed over the loss of loved ones are usually the very same people who think about them all the time, which ends up keeping them in their depressed states, to begin with. And then there is no progression."

A Fucking mood from Hari/Harry Potta/Potter

“I don't like exercising. I'm not meant for it."

Because Sasuke is an adorable little shit, which is, as always when it comes to him, The Best

Naruto was teaching someone Taijutsu? It was laughable at best, though he didn't actually laugh. That would ruin his image as the strong and silent loner. He couldn't afford for people to think he was nice or anything.

Because this is something important and personal to ME specifically

"This is all sweets. But they are sugar-free sweets. There are foods you can eat that will give you the energy you need without having a negative effect on your body. Bananas are a good snack. Watermelon, lettuce, leafy green veggies, they all have a lot of water in them. They fill you up quickly, can keep you hydrated, and because most are made of water, you aren't consuming fats and oils. Though do not replace every meal with these things unless you take vitamins and supplements on a daily basis. While there is nothing wrong with being vegan, a lot of vegans forget to take their supplements and vitamins. They especially need those because they keep so many important foods from their eating schedule."

Another Mood

To make it worse… she'd gotten her monthly visit from TOM. She named it TOM in memory of a certain arse who caused her a lot of pain and grief. Her Time of the Month, TOM, liked to mock her for at least five days out of every month and this month was terrible.

And last, but not least, the best thing I have read since I woke up

Potta Hari's cousin was not romantically involved with anyone, or so his sources said. Perhaps marrying someone to her would offer a better chance for an alliance between their clans?

A knock startled him from his thoughts, and he had to compose himself quickly. "Yes?"

"A letter has arrived for you, Hiashi-sama," Kosuke said from the other side of the door.

"Come."

The letter was handed over within seconds, and Kosuke was gone immediately.

When he finally got to the message however, he had to smirk in amusement. He should have known that making plans about a Seer wouldn't go as expected.

Dear Hyuga-sama,

No.

Respectfully, Potta Runa.

And this

Was Danzo literally the only bad person in this world who was bad naturally and not because he had some unfortunate upbringing, was bullied or was manipulated into being bad?

Basically tbh

Words & Chapter(s): 287,295 words and 20 chapters, unfinished, but worth it

Summary: Tsume Yuki's, 'Ain't Never Had a Friend Like Me' prompt.

Master of Death Hari is sealed inside a genie bottle and tossed into the Veil. Only the interference of Death stops her from being enslaved. When Naruto comes into possession of the bottle and frees Hari from her prison, she gets attached and decides to help him, changing everything we know.

Score: 13, this is very amusing, and has no qualms with having humor AND seriousness whenever. Not to mention, I could honestly go back to the very beginning and read it all over again and I’d still love every moment of it in all honesty.

Pairing(s): Hatake Kakashi/Female!Harry Potter, as well as Uchiha Sasuke/Uzumaki Naruto, background Anko Mitarashi/Luna Lovegood

Warning(s): For all that this looks like a lot of warnings it’s just because this fic is well over 200K words, and it’s not nearly as bad as all these warnings look. There’s no major character death (Technically. A few from the HP universe passed before our MC even came into our universe. Still, only casual mentions so far)

Always a girlHarry still had to deal with all the abuse of her counterpart. The ministry betrayed her (Shocking. I know.) mentions of (CANON) past childhood abuse described three-quarters of the way through chapter three, then again in chapter four, no worries though it’s not graphic or gratuitous.

Mentions of death, and the things and ways that death may affect someone (This is a naruto universe crossover fic soooo, I don’t know what you were expecting honestly. At least it’s not as subtly/suddenly angsty as FMA fics get.), attempted murder that fails because Hari is the Mistress of Death (... Is Master not gender neutral??? I thought it was... Still, Mistress sounds cooler and more dangerous)

Mentions of porn, off-screen lemon, etc.

There IS a bit of fat-shaming from certain characters, but they eventually learn better, there are also mentions of children, and others, on diets, and also that have unhealthy eating habits and why they’re not good regardless, as well as the effects of being on a diet while also doing various exercises and rigorous training regimens, but not to worry, it slowly but surely improves.

Manipulation and grey morals, (Again shocking, I know.) which is great because my morals would go very dark very quickly if I were Hari (Because this is a crossover, and she is in Japan/The Elemental) and I’d for some dumbass reason decided to return to my original world (THAT DOESN’T HAPPEN THIS A HYPOTHETICAL WHAT-IF), but Hari doesn’t which is always amazing

World/Dimension displacement. Figured I’d add that just in case, personally I love those types of stories but you never know.

Kidnapping followed by attempted murder fails spectacularly. It is quite amusing to see for my inner sadist.

One of Hari’s family members passed away due to cancer, but it’s a small mention and there’s minimal angst because it happened years ago. The others seemed to have died in a war with the goblins which is only occasionally mentioned here and there.

Someone tries to enslave Hari as a genie. It does not work. Death seemed upset that someone thought that would work at all in the “Like, honestly, who the fuck do you even think you are???” kind of pissed

Danzo and ROOT exist. Sadly.

Also “ the lives of the many are more important than the lives of the few “ is something that seems to be a basic background of the morals of this fic. I know some find this detestable, but I would like to point out that, it’s true. It’s really fucked up, but unless that One has some very important and necessary ability, they are less important than the five-hundred and forty-two. Shitty as it seems.

There’s technically a war. If you could call the opposing sides... attempts a war. No major casualties or uber gruesome happenings though.

There are some injuries, of course, their big but not graphically described as far as I’ve seen up to the current chapter limit.

Pros: GREAT FUCKING WRITING!!! Great research and really immersive too!!!

Hari and Naruto because each others precious people, and Harry protects Naruto as best she, a civilian and witch, can.

The Japanese That Doesn’t Need To Be Written Because You’re Writing This In English And It Doesn’t Make Sense And Is Awkward isn’t present which is always a plus.

It’s really unique and different from what is normally written in these situations (Not that there’s anything wrong with what we normally get!!!) from how a female main character reacts (Very Harry Potter-ish) and whatnot to her romance with other characters to her friendship with them, and also I love the way her relationships are with everyone! It’s just, so, refreshing for a female MC to be written like this, like getting that first bite of watermelon in the middle of summer, and jumping in the pool, or a drink of hot chocolate in the middle of a snowy night.

Not to mention! The way Hari interacts with the world around her and manages to change everything even though she wasn’t trying, and the way she still isn’t overpowered regardless for all that she can use her magic at will. UGH!!! IT’S JUST SO GOOD

Aesthetic: It’s like drinking fresh lemonade after a hard days work, like swimming in your best friends pool after you finish your homework, it’s like a warm cup of tea after a stressful day, and cuddling up to a friend or lover, like dancing to your favorite song while you’re all alone in your kitchen. It is like being alone, but not lonely, ad being with a few good friends but not ignored. It is freeing and refreshing and relaxing and exciting and new and old and so much more. It feels happy, for lack of a better word. Very, subtly, happy.

Gif Aesthetic: Oh my god yes, this is Hari

and this is what the romance in this fic reminds me of

and this somehow reminds me of several characters at once

And this one too sometimes, which is nice

and this (Except Boruto doesn’t exist obviously, I think this fic was actually started before Boruto even came into the picture actually) is what the fighting looks like

except for when it looks like this

Hari and Luna fucking everything up while everyone else watches and decides it is safest to just, not interfere with the crazy witches.

Hari, Death, and Luna/Runa planning who to fuck up protect next

Every single Rookie Nine without fail

(Scroll back up and look at how cute the slimy kitty yawns!!! She’s so cute!!!)

#SasuNaru #Sasuke x Naruto #Naruto x Sasuke #Harry Potter #Female Harry Potter #Harry x Kakashi #Satan has great taste in: SasuNaru #Satan has great taste in: Harry Potter #fluff humor and angst fic #bisexual Harry Potter #Harry is an adult btw don't worry #and NaruSasu is young but cute as shit #they're so oblivious #it's fucking adorable

74 notes · View notes

fandomsallaroundme · 5 years ago

Note

As someone who really likes Tony as a character in his various incarnations, as well as a being huge Stony shipper, the current state of the Marvel fandom due to this special breed of MCU Tony stans is killing me. It's like their life's mission is to downplay the contributions of every other character (except maybe Peter) to make their fav look the best. They sure love reducing Steve Rogers to the "pretty white guy who did nothing", which frankly couldn't be further from the truth. (1)

Of course when called outon their shit, (and the fact that they all conveniently ignore that Tony never called Steve either when he had the chance to), they fall back on the "WhY caN'T yOu TaKE a JoKE!!1!" excuse. It's honestly exhausting to have your love for a character being slowly drained out of you because the most popular version of that character has a million toxic stans who somehow don't understand that the other Avengers may mean just as much to other people as Tony does to them. (2)

I found your blog because I pretty much had it with being disrespectful towards the other Avengers as some sort of weird ass defense for Tony, which the character doesn’t need. IMO if you can't build your fav up without tearing other characters down and then trying to play it off as a joke, you're doing it wrong. I don't understand why they can't let Tony be an actual flawed (but incredibly interesting) character,as that is what drew me to him in the first place. (3)

I also have to stop myeyes from rolling into another dimension when they try and make "bad childhoods" into a competition, but then conveniently forget that Nat was literally brainwashed into being an assassin from a young age, and Steve grewup in poverty with an alcoholic father, sick mother, a list of illnesses longer than my shopping list while WWII raged on in the background. Like they're trying

to claim Tony had it the hardest?? Compared to these other characters????

What????? (4)

Honestly, that makes me

feel like these “stans” don't know shit about Tony at all, because that's

something the character himself wouldn't even THINK of saying, in both the MCU

and the comics/cartoons. I just want my pre-MCU Civil War Marvel fandom back so

I can go into the tag without seeing all this shitty content. Anyways, sorry

for the rant, had to deal with some of those toxic stans today and came here to

get a breath of fresh air. (5)

Sorry if my reply is a bit later than expected, I had to get home from work and then I had to lay out all your asks chronologically and read them all at once because reading them chunk by chunk was whacking my ADHD brain out lmao

Anyway, first of all: hi! It’s super nice to meet another Marvel fan who actually likes the team instead of just one character in particular! So glad to have you aboard this actual garbage dump that is my blog! Welcome! And don’t worry about ranting, lord knows I do it all the time yet somehow people still think I’m worth following. :D

Second, god do I know where you’re coming from. The Marvel fandom used to be such an open and inviting place, full of some of the best people I could ever hope to meet. I was a huge fan since 2011 when Thor and Captain America TFA came, but I didn’t really join the “fandom” itself until… maybe early 2014?? Around the time Winter Soldier came out. I remember the fandom coming together and just sobbing over this beautiful movie, coming up with hundreds of fics and headcanons for how Tony and the other Avengers could help rehabilitate Bucky and help Steve get his friend back. There were whole discussions and wishes for a very long and very important talk between the entire group as friends, for Tony to learn the truth and choose to forgive Bucky for his parent’s deaths because he never chose to kill them, would never choose to do so of his own free will, and for the team to come together, stronger than ever because they understood each other’s pain.

I haven’t seen hide nor hair of such AUs since 2016.

Civil War was the worst possible decision the Marvel execs made. They should never have tried to adapt the storyline into a movie, or they shouldn’t have done it so haphazardly while also still trying to resolve the issues from TWS. Dividing the fandom on who is Right and who is Wrong was a fucking mistake, because instead of thinking critically about the moral implications of what signing or abstaining from the Accords means, the fandom has devolved into claiming the side that their favorite characters are on is automatically “Right” and then trying to build a defense around their character in particular instead of what they are actually fighting for.

I’m very sorry your enjoyment of Tony’s character has faded because of people who cannot admit their faves’ faults. Tony is actually a rather interesting and complicated character, and although I cannot say whether or not I could ever love him the way I used to way back in the 2012-2013 era of Marvel, I could at least, ya know, tolerate him, or just be neutral to him.

But I have to Hate Him, because the toxic, overwhelming majority of his stans have targeted, degraded, and trashed all the other Avengers so thoroughly I can no longer see what I ever liked about Tony in the first place.

Yes, Tony suffered. Yes, his childhood was hard. Yes, Steve shouldn’t have lied to him.

But he hasn’t suffered the most out of the entire Avengers team (Natasha), he didn’t grow up chronically ill (Steve) or in poverty and orphaned (Wanda). Howard not loving him was awful, but he still did have a wonderful father figure in Edwin Jarvis, and his mother loved and cared for him.

Steve lying to him seems to be, like, the biggest evidence his stans have that he should have hated the Avengers, or, it’s the reason they like to give for hating the others because “everyone turned against him!! He deserved better friends!!!” No??? Steve lying to him was wrong, but him trying to kill Bucky was no less wrong (it was, in fact, about 100x worse because, ya know, murder), and after all of that it was completely within Tony’s power to move forward and try to rebuild his friendships.

The cellphone was Steve’s olive branch; it was Tony’s choice not to take it until the world was literally ending around them. The others were completely within their right to avoid/hate Tony for him locking them up in a remote prison without a trial or even a hope of release before Steve freed them. A lot of Tony’s choices are ultimately the worst things that came back to bite the Avengers in the ass; Ultron, not calling Steve, not turning the donut ship back to Earth after Ebony Maw was dead, the Sokovia Accords, etc.

(Aw geez, I kind of went on my own rant there, lol)

I desperately wish for the days where the fandom didn’t know about Civil War, when the team was the Team and they all lived together and kicked a lot of HYDRA ass together and then went out to do the occasional solo mission that was part of their own trilogies and everything was good and everyone could actually forgive each other for small things instead of instantly turning on each other because someone’s favorite character did something rude to another.

But, seeing as that’s not likely to be happening anytime soon, I invite you to enjoy my blog and engage in more rants with me in the future if you so wish. It’s nice to meet you. :)

#MCU #Marvel #ask #ladymoonveil #anti Tony stans

22 notes · View notes

bigskydreaming · 6 years ago

Text

Wow. I mean, I know newsarama is a dumb fucking site, but even I had to stop and blink when I saw the headline “10 (or 11) Reasons Why Marvel Hates Tony Stark”. Like yeah, that’s an actual listicle they made or whatever. Check out the highlights!

1) “From almost the moment we meet him in Iron Man, he’s under attack for his war-mongering ways, quickly getting kidnapped and forced to design weapons for terrorists during a trip to the Middle East to show off his new rockets.”

Yes. Poor baby. How utterly AWFUL for your origin story to be people being mean to you FOR YOUR WAR-MONGERING WAYS. Most tragic origin story EVER!!!

2) Stane’s Betrayal

Gasp. Shocker. Oh no. Tony is literally the only hero who has ever been betrayed by someone they trusted. *camera pans over to all of his teammates he left locked up in the Raft even after he’d broken the Accords himself BUT I DIGRESS*

3) Poisoned by his own heart

“And if you’re Tony Stark, all of this also comes with a mysterious illness that’s stemming from the arc reactor in your chest which is, ironically, also the only thing keeping you alive.“

Yeah, the half a movie this was the C plot for really would’ve sucked if he didn’t have access to all the education, resources, and materials needed to create his own personal fusion reactor and fix himself.

4) Coulson Murdered

Gosh, what a tragedy for TONY, the only person anywhere who cared about Coulson, and definitely worse than for Coulson himself, and oh wait, he never even died anyway so actually its ‘felt bad because this guy he barely knew and never even acted like he liked was thought to be dead but he was really off being secret agent man.”

5) PTSD

Not gonna joke about this one because yeah, I think Tony does have PTSD and yeah, as someone who has it himself, it sucks, but guess what? Sucks just as bad for all the other characters who definitely have PTSD like, y’know Sam....who ran a fucking SUPPORT GROUP for vets with PTSD like HIMSELF, and all the others who most likely have it due to their own traumas. Like, point me to one MCU protag you DON’T think has PTSD. Tony’s not special for having it, he’s special for being the only one Marvel cares enough about having it to actually SHOW it.

6) Happy Hogan almost dies

Yes, again, worst thing to happen to a person ever....something happens to someone ELSE and somehow, its all about how Tony’s affected, and oh yeah, Happy didn’t actually die! Again, how truly unique a tragedy for Tony, having someone close to him like...get hurt. What a novel experience. No other hero can relate.

7) Pepper Potts dies....a little

Wouldn’t this article have been better titled “10 (or 11) Reasons Marvel Hates Everyone Around Tony Way More Than They Hate Tony”?

“Yes, Pepper survived - but for a few minutes there, her death was the worst thing that ever happened to Tony.“

*stares at camera*

Like, I can’t get over the fact that this article is serious. The person who wrote it really thinks they’re making a case for why Genius Billionaire Philanthropist Playboy Tony has like, the worst existence of any MCU character.

8) Ultron “Kills” Jarvis

Oh no, the AI that Tony made after everyone told him not to ‘killed’ the other AI Tony made before him? What a nightmare! If only Tony had just....not done the thing everyone else told him not to do! Also, this is definitely WAY worse than all the thousands of people Ultron killed, yup, the fact that Tony’s homicidal science fair project killed his answering machine sucks WAY harder for Tony than everything else Ultron did sucks for like....everyone else.

9) Dumped by Pepper

....this isn’t a tragedy, this is what happens when you’re a narcissistic, emotionally stunted man-child and your girlfriend eventually gets sick of putting up with it. Also:

“His fragile emotional state due to the break-up along with Miriam Sharpe confronting him by the elevator for the death of her son in Sokovia clearly leads to Tony making some questionable choices.Maybe that's why he's so desperate to make amends that he rushes headlong into conflict with his Avengers teammates.“

.....that’s a thing that someone wrote. Civil War, the Accords, locking his teammates up in the Raft, recruiting a fifteen year old to go fight for him in Berlin, all of that totally makes sense because Tony can’t handle being dumped, boo the fuck hoo are you shitting me, lmfao who is this person, why is this person like this.

10) His BFF’s BFF killed his parents

First off, Cap as Tony’s BFF lol, revisionist history at its finest, when did they do more than like....tolerate each other? Secondly, his brainwashed BFF killed Tony’s parents, and maybe Cap would have told Tony that if he’d been remotely rational about all the stuff Cap tried to tell Tony even BEFORE he found out about his parents. Sorry not sorry, can’t believe we’re still doing this, but yup, some of us are actually of the opinion Cap had every right to defend his best friend from childhood who’d been brainwashed and turned into a living weapon against his will from being killed or carted off to the Raft for things he literally had no choice in.

11) Peter Parker dies in his arms

PEOPLE AROUND TONY SUFFERING AS THE RESULT OF TONY’S SHITTY DECISIONS OR ELSE JUST THEIR OWN HEROIC IMPULSES IS NOT TONY’S PERSONAL TRAGEDY. Like lmao, barely any of these are Tony’s traumas. They’re literally just “Tony meets the bare minimum standard of a basic human being and like, FEELS things when people around him suffer.” Like yes, it sucks when people you care about get hurt, but your feelings are not comparable to THEIR tragedies! This is the entire basis of the ‘girlfriend in the refrigerator’ trope.....killing someone close to a hero should not be considered bad because that hero feels bad, its bad because THAT PERSON DIED. Loooooooool. Omg, I am laughing so hard at this whole damn thing because otherwise I’d just be like....banging my head against my desk.

Like, I literally don’t get it. How do people actually think this way? How do you look at all the characters in the MCU, and zero in on Tony, and think yes, him, THIS is the guy who has it the worst.....and then when you try and defend that position, this is the stuff you come up with and like...you actually think that makes your case? LOL. I literally do not understand.

#anti tony stark

17 notes · View notes

murdocsagaypirate · 6 years ago

Text

The Fall of 2D

A Character Essay

So.. this ended up being a nice long read.. but.. I think some of y’all might enjoy it. I just kind of got carried away. But I’m done~ Back to fanfiction~ I’ve done more thorough analyses of most of these songs that I touch on here in the past. If you go to my blog and type in the songs name in search you’ll find it ... unless I haven’t done it yet... and in that case go ahead and request it if you like.

Remember when you were a little kid and you would look at the clouds in the sky as the sunlight bounced off them? And something that simple would make you feel a part of everything, and all alone at the same time. And the feeling’s not something you can ever put into words, so you spend your whole life chasing it. Making music, taking pictures, painting, whatever. In the hope that other people will understand that sense or… feeling. As creative entities, we look for signs of life outside ourselves for a connection to alleviate the sense of solitude. That’s why we all do what we do. Whether we know it ourselves or not.

Phase 1: Someone Else’s Dream

2D never dreamed he’d be famous, or even successful, in any capacity. No one ever treated him like he possibly could be because he was disabled. He had chronic pain and hindered cognitive ability from childhood that shaped how others perceived him. His bright blue hair growing out of his damaged head made it so that everyone knew he was different- he was stupid. And that perception shaped him. It shaped him into someone with no big dreams, someone that tolerated being bullied, someone with poor self-efficacy and no sense of independence or developed sense of identity. He liked films and he liked music and it didn’t go much deeper than that. Not because he was stupid and shallow, as he’s clearly always been a very deep and creative thinker, but because no one ever gave him the options and opportunity to pursue something bigger. He says in the phase 5 football interview, “My mum and dad taught me not to aim too high.” No one ever believed in him....

Until Murdoc came along. 2D’s blue hair is directly associated to the event that handicapped him but to Murdoc it represented anything but a handicap- it gave 2D the unique looks that would make him a priceless asset in Murdoc’s pursuit of his personal dreams. For the first time in his life, Murdoc made 2D believe he was capable and valuable because he was talented and attractive. 2D didn’t need to be worshiped like Murdoc, he just needed to be worth something, and Murdoc gave him a way to do that. That’s what 2D means when he says that Murdoc “saved his life”, that’s a big reason WHY he idolized him in addition to the fact that 2D appreciates that Murdoc is genuinely talented and driven.

I can’t impress this enough: 2D was only 19 years old. Old enough to know you’re expected to be an adult, to make something of yourself, but for many still not old enough to be one - especially for someone that grew up disabled, whose independence wasn’t fostered ... Make no mistake: 2D was vulnerable and Murdoc, who was 31, took advantage of him. This is a 2D analysis so I’m not going to go into why Murdoc did this, but at the end of the day, Murdoc was a fucking shitty shitty person and there no good excuse.

Already by the time the first album came out, 2D had already figured out he’d been taken advantage of. That’s what New Genius (Brother) is about. It’s about Murdoc and the promises he made him about the path to success he was going to take him on, about the river they were going to ford together and how 2D felt betrayed.

Besides what we learn in RoTO, there are some songs that you can’t totally parse out what lyrics on Gorillaz debut album belong to 2D and which belong to Murdoc besides simply what makes sense. It’s interesting though you can easily argue that there are shared sentiments in songs like Slow Country about working hard to succeed and being lonely. In RoTO a lyric for this song is included, “City life, leave my soul in deep water.” which mirror’s “The river ain’t deep.” in New Genius (Brother). Sound Check (Gravity) is a song he sang straight from his heart on a rooftop in Jamaica with Noodle, that repeats themes of feeling pressured and betrayed and the theme of a confusing and broken love which will reoccur, over and over. At that time (in Jamaica, no less) that love is actively breaking, not broken yet, but he doesn't know what to do. Latin Simone characterizes his depression and the realization that he’s just not happy on this path he’s started on, but there’s no escaping it now. Then you have a song like 12D3, that very directly characterizes him as a simple person that takes simple pleasure in music. There are various songs and lines on Self-titled that characterize drug dependency both for 2D and for Murdoc. Phase One, overall, sets us up with a picture of a 2D who is still enthusiastic about his future as a musician for no other reason than his passion for music, yet disillusionment is quickly setting in, both toward the lifestyle of fame and his idol and best friend.

Phase 2: Feel Good?

This is where 2D starts talking about his never-ending quest to “find himself”. 2D never got to gain independence. He went straight from dependency on his parents to dependency on Murdoc, living at his mansion studio and literally letting him tie his shoes. His parents never fostered an ability to self-care or a sense of ambition, so Murdoc gifted him his ambition and without Murdoc, 2D doesn’t have his own sense of identity.

So, of course, leaving Murdoc after phase 1, he went back to his parents, to work for his dad. He returned to his hometown, to a bunch of people that treated him like a worthless idiot. But now he’s famous. So now he’s surrounded by people that want to validate him... Which he fucking eats up, because it fills the hole left by his upbringing... Not to mention all the very fucking irresponsible sex. There is much that goes unstated about this phase of 2D’s life, it seems he chooses to paint it as wholly positive, yet we know the lasting consequences of it (child support for for several kids for the next 18 years) as well as the fact that he ultimately chose to leave it behind and return to Gorillaz and back into the same lifestyle that he hated and is only getting worse as Gorilaz’s popularity hits it major peak in 2005:

The Feel Good Inc music video give shit tons of insight into the characters and the lyrics. Notably, the way that 2D is placed at the center, on a throne, and how utterly miserable he is on that throne. It’s not JUST the debauchery he struggles with, but the position of stardom and idol worship he’s been thrust into.

“Take it all in on your stride” run’s parallel to Latin Simone’s “Give up, if you want to survive.” He’s resigned to this path, never exhibited any desire to fight it really, because he’s never known another path. Without Gorillaz, he’s aimless. “Turn forever, hand in hand... It is ticking, falling down. Love forever, love has freely turned forever you and me. Windmill, windmill for the land. Is everybody in?” The windmill represents freedom, Noodle’s freedom contrasted with 2D’s imprisonment specifically, yet here he sings about it “falling”, foreshadowing El Manana. He talks about the utter destruction of hope happening to all of them. “Is everybody in?”

Remember the theme of a “breaking love” I’d say would be returning over and over? 2D is trapped in the tower with Murdoc who watches him like some kind of predator throughout the video. Russel is there too, which characterizes him as lacking the freedom that Noodle has but coping through staying focused on drumming, making music. This person that 2D is turning with forever, falling, hand in hand is mainly Murdoc.

While much of this album was written by Noodle, 2D has specifically talked about writing chorus of Feel Good Inc. And there are other songs on the album I’ll touch on that, although lore never specifically states, I can only assume are written by 2D by how well they fit into his character arc at this point in his life and make no sense in characterizing Noodle.

O Green World continues with the themes of Feel Good Inc with the line “Hope, sex and drugs will rust into myself holy. It feels holy,” further characterizing the disturbing dichotomy of pleasurable addiction as a destructive force. Placing “hope” on the list of things that 2D clings to for comfort that destroy him is heartbreaking and we’ll watch how this “hope” becomes more and more painful to hold onto throughout the years. The larger focus of O Green World is the narrative about a failing relationship: the current state of his relationship with Murdoc. A desperation and confusion over a crumbling relationship is also explored in Every Planet We Reach is Dead. Lines like “For all the sacred selfless days, only left with heartache. I want to see you again. I love you... But what are we going to do?” paints the same picture 2D will eventually paint for us again in The Now Now. He will look back on this era of their relationship where he clung to hope that they’d be close, happy and healthy again. And yet... we know how that turned out...

Phase 3: Alone Together

I only really joined the band to make music, and now, I'm being held captive by a bastard bass player in an underwater submarine, being attacked by sodding pirates who are trying to take over this rotten piece of broken plastic in the ocean that Gorillaz call 'home'. All this, just to make a video. It's making me want to die!

So... this is a major phase for 2D, but of course, that fact is often overshadowed but what a big deal it was Murdoc. We have hours of podcast and a whole album to witness Murdoc’s deterioration and precious little to witness 2D’s, though there is certainly enough to analyze especially later in the phase.

2D doesn’t seek attention like Murdoc does. He’s motivated by validation, sure, but not in the practically narcissistic way Murdoc is. 2D isn’t the one that is constantly engaging with fans, soaking up our attention and admiration. He wants to connect to people through music, not as a celebrity, just as a musician. He’s private, and that loss of privacy that comes with fame is probably yet another factor that caused him to hate it.

2D struggles with emotional isolation like Murdoc but in a completely different way. It’s not that he fears and avoids connection and vulnerability like Murdoc, in that quote I started this with he shows that he finds it to be something important and profound. It something he simply finds difficult for many reasons. One, his disability that clearly effects his communication skills. Then the inherent isolation that comes with stardom. And finally, an inability to connect with himself first and foremost, his undeveloped sense of personal identity comes back into play, that theme of struggling to “find himself”.

Little Pink Plastic Bag characterizes the isolating feeling of drifting through life without purpose. 2D has lost control of his life, knowing he was going to school before this phase might indicate he was beginning to find purpose but once again (and in a much more literal sense) he’s forced away from his own dreams to serve Murdoc’s. “What you want in life? Someone here'll gonna get past by” hearkens back to so many themes present in the first album. In New Genius (Brother) he sings, “People passing through me.” 2D still feels overlooked, underappreciated, so many years later.

2D talks about Revolving Doors: “As I was walking through the doors of the hotel - the revolving doors - and the dislocation of being away, you know, out of sorts, away from home. and the image of this door permanently revolving, the endless repetition and the pointless rhythm of it all I guess struck like, a melancholic image within me. It paints a similar aimless image to pointlessness of plastic bag floating on the highway. Revolving Doors also pretty explicitly references drug use, specifically about buying drugs and getting shorted by the dealer. It’s not news, just notable that substance abuse is still very much present. Another major theme is 2D lamenting how much fame has changed him and his fear of what more is to come which come up again in Amarillo.

Amarillo is such a fucking beautiful song. “I got lost on the highway. But don't ask me where I've been. Or what I've done.” The trials of the last few years have changed 2D, he recognizes this and fills him with regret. And again, he expresses that utter lonely we’re familiar with by now.

Finally, we have DoYaThing giving us incite at the very tail end of this phase of the state of 2D’s relationship with Murdoc, which has quite obviously suffered but enough time is past that they are ready to start healing again. The line “If you're thinking that I don't know what you're thinking, baby. You do more thinking and I'll go out and make it alright“ expresses a concept 2D explored a few times on Demon Days, “I know you now, I know you know me too.” in O Green World characterizes there relationship as legitimately intimate, they understand each other. This sort of relationship is suggested in interviews too, mostly Murdoc relying on 2D to help handle a crisis, while it doesn’t seem that Murdoc is emotionally equipped to return the favor, yet another way Murdoc contributes to 2D’s chronic loneliness. Despite how much 2D is struggling with at the end of phase 3 he still expends energy worrying about Murdoc. After their live recording of Detroit, 2D responds to Murdoc thanking him, presumably just for the fun of the moment, “I was just glad to help, really.”

DoYaThing expresses this dynamic of expending energy and getting little in return with frustration. Before, 2D was confused and hurt, now he’s angry and impatient. “Every time we try, we get nowhere“... “I've got no patience. Oh, it's all a part of the process. Nothing's new, it's true, cool, I admit. Shit, I guess you're right“ 2D is holding on but growing bitter...

Phase 4: Gone Gone Gone

It’s obvious in this phase that his drug abuse is at an all-time high. The entire phase, songs, pictures, interviews, portrayed the band as going all out partying, which, of course, involved drugs. Recreational is one thing, but we know it’s more than recreational for 2D. Sleeping Power was the big 2D song of this phase. All the way back to Tomorrow Comes Today’s music video we see 2D’s drug abuse almost being portrayed as a fun aesthetic as brightly colored pain pills fly at the screen and now with Sleeping Power 2D is having a hell of a good time singing about a day he spent “gone”, completely strung out. He starts the video with the old “This is your brain on drugs” ad, which is practically become a joke in modern culture. and it’s an interesting contrast with the extremely emotional way Murdoc writes about his alcoholism in Plastic Beach, or the dark and completely unflattering way it’s portrayed in White Light.

There’s no denying 2D is depressed, but when it comes to his coping methods it seems he copes even further by making it a part of his identity. It’s not difficult to understand why he’d be so inclined to see his addiction as a positive thing, not only does it help his mood but it manages crippling chronic pain. No matter what though, addiction and substance abuse are never sustainable for mental health and 2D has struggled with this issue or a long.. long.. time.

As for his relationship with Murdoc at this point, it remains in pieces. We see the bitterness 2D feels toward him throughout phase 4. We lose 2D’s voice on Humanz but find so much incite exploring his phase 4 room. Murdoc’s face is plastered on his wall vindictively covered in darts. And yet we find his poems promising, “Yes I am still with you.” and “I will stay. The storm abates. The levy holds.” He’s angry but still refuses to give up. Whether you want to interpret it romantically or not, he clearly still loves Murdoc and we see this even more in The Now Now...

Phase 5: Reflection

On Plastic Beach, if 2D is trapped on an island of isolation then it’s only because Murdoc is the ship that stranded him there. In Magic City, if 2D is on the moon - shining brightly for everyone to see - it’s because Murdoc was the rocket ship that crash landed him on it. The Now Now is chalk full of callbacks and beautifully shows where 2D has come from and where he is now, especially in his relationship to Murdoc. “You put me up here in the penthouse.” Murdoc is the force that made him successful, the reason he’s famous. "I filled the canyons with my ego” The canyon, the hole in himself. We get a call back all the way to New Genius (Brother) as he changes the effect on the vocal’s to sound like some distance voice from the past of someone promising 2D ease of passage only to betray him by leading him to danger, “Let me take you this far. This crossing isn't much to me. There's lightning in the storm clouds. And I'll send you there to stay” and of course, that voice is Murdoc’s.

Like he’s been for years, he’s trapped in this lifestyle. Looking all the way back to 5/4. He talks about the same debauchery and spoils of fame he feels trapped back in Feel Good Inc and calls them “magic”. It’s ironic but at the same time addresses the fact that he was promised they would be magic, promised they would feel good, only to feel betrayed when they weren’t. “Magic on me. Really got me down... Magic’s funny. Magic get me through.” The same magic that depressing him, he relies on to get through: drugs, sex, the validation of fame, you name it. It’s a common tale we see for celebrities time and time again. Trapped in this “Magic City”, he wants to make it “home”. He talks about making his journey home in Kansas as well... where exactly does 2D consider “home”? I wonder if even he knows. Our sense of home is so tied to our sense of security and identity, something 2D has always struggled with. On his quest “home”, by the end of the album the thing that he truly returns to.. is Murdoc. In Souk Eye he decides to come back for him... after all this... he’s still willing to give him yet another chance. Throughout the years he’s had one anchor and one anchor alone: Murdoc. So in the absence of this anchor, his sense-of-self changes dramatically as he tries to emulate the man that was once his idol. Of course, we see this play out in the lore... But... at this point (9/28/18) anything I say about 2D actions in this phase beyond the early characterization through the album is just speculation... So, back to the album...

There are few places where 2D talks about how much he’s sacrificed for Murdoc’s sake, how he’s stood by and suffered for him, even made music for him when he really just didn’t want to anymore. Idaho references this and the level of idolization he once felt for Murdoc so long ago, “Playing it all for gods Yesterday/Faraway” and the role of Murdoc in pressuring him, ““Ride on," said the king of cool. you've got nothing to lose“ and how his hope faded through the years, “Silver linings getting lost”. Fireflies again frames Murdoc’s role in driving him, “You were in the kind of game that put the force in me“ and overall speaks to his desperation to hold onto hope throughout the last 20 years.

The lore supports these songs are about Murdoc in far more obvious ways then has ever been done. Between the Souk Eye visualizer and 2D’s journal, the depths for which he feels for him becomes undeniable. The deterioration we’ve witnessed has caused him so much pain and yet his love remains. “If loving you’s a felony now, then I’m a renegade.”

2D’s story serves as a tragic retelling of the path that so many real-life famous musicians have taken. Being in the limelight is rarely something normal people are able to cope with, and clearly, 2D is no exception. It changed him, caused him to make decisions he hated. He never would have chosen this lifestyle without Murdoc pressuring him, and returns over and over even when he has the choice to stay away because it’s one of the few solid things he can grasp as part of his identity. Meanwhile, he’s bound to an individual that’s even more unhealthy then he is, enabling his isolation, denying him support, taking advantage of him from day one, manipulating his poor sense of self-worth. All of it crushed his once child-like spirit... only time will tell where he goes from here. Maybe one day he’ll finally see the end of his abuse, heal with the man he’s forgiven too many times, and find security in his own self-worth...

Now if all that made you too sad here’s a video of 2D being absolutely adorably happy because he has the opportunity to connect with fans through sharing his passion for music.

#character analysis #2d #i hope you cry

242 notes · View notes

va-faen-culo · 6 years ago

Note

RANT PT 1:Tbh nothing will ever top the OG for me but I love each remakes' take on diff teen culture. BUT. Noorh*lm remakes will top anything the OG has ever done. No idea why Noorhe*lm stans relate to our dislike to our love for Evak. Uh... Idk maybe because out of all the main relationships in show, Evak was the second most relatable and healthy (after Yousana)? And I'm saying that as straight person, not a fucking fangirl. Lemme tell you why...

(I’m gonna y’all know now this is going to be long, but anon is spilling some hot ass tea and every part is worth reading)

RANT PT 2: Evak is liked because the nature of their situation was believable and something any relationship could go through. Mental illness and its stigmas? I’ve dealt w/ that, even had my own prejudices like Isak due to my own experiences of witnessing it. Eva’s insecurity and mistrust? I never cheated but I know exactly shitty breaking a friendship makes you feel. Sana’s identity crisis through religion and her defensive mechanism? Spot on..

“ I’m saying that as straight person, not a fucking fangirl“ I really love that you brought this up, because there is definitely a problem in this fandom with invalidating the opinions of anyone who is not queer. The story of Even and Isak was able to touch many people and so many ways and the way it was portrayed was incredibly realistic, along with the storylines of seasons 1 and 4. Disliking Noorhelm is not a problem of “uwu where are my gays” it is a problem of “so we’re just not going to address how toxic this is”

RANT PT 3: Most teenagers will go through some sort of self-questioning and priority check. I was raised with two cultures growing up; my ethnic and the dominant one. Growing up around a culture since childhood but not really fitting in, be it by race or religion or sexuality. Now, to Noorh*lm. What exactly did I learn? That asking someone out until they agree is… cute? That changing the cold and cool person isn’t actually emotionally taxing or damaging and that you should go for it? Fuck that

!!! I have also experienced conflicts with my race/culture and the society i live in, and that feeling of not fitting in really struck close to home with season 4. (and parts of season 3 and 1) Noora’s story reinforced shitty tropes, such as “persistence always perseveres” and “changing people is easy with the power of love” and i think “fuck that” is a pretty solid reaction to seeing Julie glorify these toxic tropes

RANT PT 4: Is getting with the rich popular guy actually universal? Y'know that relatable moment when you’re at his party but end up sleeping at his place and strumming the guitar while he makes cocoa for you? No? Thought everyone went through that?? I learned nothing from that season and their relationship in the rest that came after it. No, I won’t even tolerate what happened to Noora and Niko. I’ll appreciate Josefina’s amazing portrayal of what trauma looks like but the conclusion made me cry

Are you telling me you haven’t experienced all these things?? (Also I will admit I bawled like a baby watching Josefinas portrayal of that situation but it wasn’t enough to save the season)

RANT PT 5: I admire Julie Andem but I honestly thought that parts of it came from a personal place had made her cloudy in the ending. I cannot and will never believe that Noora fully recovered after that mishap or able to fully accept any intimate advances without showing any signs of trauma. It doesn’t matter if it was true or not, she still woke up exposed next to him and he saw and captured it and threatened her. And she was fine the moment Mari, who was also drunk, SAYS nothing happened??

I do not know much about trauma so I am glad someone else was thrown off by her lack of hesitance in entering an intimate relationship so quickly after such an intense event

RANT PT 6: Finally, the ending. No better way to conclude the static and unlikeable nature of this couple than to end it with William jokingly driving away from Noora, leaving her to be devastated once again, only to say it was jokes. Holy shit?? This couple sounds batshit toxic.They don’t communicate for half a year, William gets another girl and Noora is still hopeful. Then its resolved by… leaving her friends worried and ditching responsibilities?

THAT SHIT WAS FUCKING WHACK FFJSFDJSJNSJ. I was so glad when he left and then he had the audacity to come back, and then Noora comes back after a year of him neglecting her and it was like ‘hallelujah she’s come to her senses!’ and then HOMEBOY COMES BACK and she goes running back into his arms like it nothing. I want to bang my head into a wall just thinking off it.

RANT PT 7: I guess someone that’s been in a toxic relationship could relate? But what was the point of this couple? Joneva was important because slut-shaming and unhealthy women dynamics was/is still a thing to talk about. Evak was important because bury your gay trope and stereotyping gay people was/is still a thing. Yousana was/is important for teens dealing with religious discrimination and how it affects your relationships and your behaviour. These were all commentaries but still hit home.

I think my biggest problem was that Julie never addressed that their relationship was toxic. Season 2 could have delivered such an important message about how unhealthy that type of relationship is, but instead she makes it seem like they are some sort of match made in heaven. So much potential man…

RANT PT 8: Noorh*lm was not a commentary, because it was definitely a toxic relationship that had a happy ending anyways. I honestly love Skam but season 2 is hellish for me to go through, knowing what they’re like throughout all the season. I don’t mind the characters, but I want the remakes to surpass the OG with this one. Show us a realistic and likable straight couple to prove you don’t have to be toxic no matter how good-looking the couple may look. I’m sorry for bombarding you. Thank you.

Preach!! I’m really crossing my fingers for the remakes to learn from Julie’s mistakes!

Honestly anon you have really made my entire week. I completely agree with all the points you have made and I am so glad you felt comfortable unloading in my inbox! You’re officially the queen of season 2 call-outs, and I’d love to talk to you off anon and also to hear your thoughts in the future as more versions of season 2 come out! Have a wonderful day, and I hope getting this off your chest was as rewarding for you as it was for me

#skam #skam season 2 #noorhell #skam remakes #rant #anon #in my inbox spitting straight facts #i could not agree more #julie andem #idk what happened s2 #but it wasnt okay

14 notes · View notes