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Yeah, I'm not saying that Buddie/Dickl(e)y is so FirstPrince-coded (where the actors nationalities and the character's sexualities are flipped) that it actually hurts, ...
... but some one should really guard Madney's wedding cake with their fucking lives.
#9-1-1#buddie#rwarb#rwrb#firstprince#first prince#madney#oliver stark#evan 'buck' buckley#evan buckley#ryan guzman#edmundo 'eddie' diaz#eddie diaz#taylor zakhar perez#alex claremont-diaz#nicholas galitzine#prince henry fox-mountchristen-windsor#howie 'chimney' han#maddie buckley#chimney han#howie han#prince philip fox-mountchristen-windsor#princess martha fox-mountchristen-windsor#marisol#tommy kinard#nora holleran#eddie x buck#eddiexbuck#eddiebuck#buck x eddie
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request rules!
HOW TO REQUEST
— requests can be sent through my inbox! aka the button on my profile that says request
— state the character, romantic or platonic, the format of the request, and what you want with it
— do you have any specifics for the reader? male, female, blonde, poc, etc?
— PLEASE ACTUALLY SPECIFY WHAT YOU WANT WITH YOUR REQUEST!! ITS VERY HARD FOT ME TO WRITE SOMETHING THAT JUST SAYS "___ x reader (blank)" WITH NO FURTHER EXPLANATION! GIVE ME A PLOT IDEA! And if you want include a prompt you want in it!
WHAT I WILL WRITE:
└▸
male, female, and gender neutral reader
or no reader, I do ships too!!
alternative universe: soulmates, coffee shop, roommates, royal, bookstore, fake relationship, coworkers, neighbors, flower shop, library, bodyguard, modern era, band/rockstar, celebrity, mermaid, pirate, teachers (you can also mix them in your request, like asking for bookstore and coffee shop au! if that makes sense)
Headcanons, one-shots, drabble, imagine, etc.
poly relationships, whether it be character x reader x character or character x character x character 
angst
fluff
smut
omega verse
WHAT I WONT WRITE:
└▸
illegal ships (incest or underage)
dark or yandere
abuse
abortion
pregnancy
someone having cancer
rape/sexual assault
canonically gay characters with fem identifying readers/characters, same thing with canonically lesbian characters with masc identifying readers/characters (platonically is fine, romantically isnt)
character list
bolded means they’re my favorite characters to write!
DOCTOR WHO
Nine, Ten, Eleventh, Thirteen, Rose Tyler, Martha Jones, Jack Harkness, Donna Noble
RED, WHITE, & ROYAL BLUE
Alex Claremont-Diaz, Henry, June Claremont-Diaz, Nora Holleran, Bea
TED LASSO
Ted Lasso, Jamie Tartt, Roy Kent, Keeley Jones, Rebecca Welton
STRANGER THINGS
Nancy Wheeler, Steve Harrington, Robin Buckley, Eddie Munson
THE OUTSIDERS
Ponyboy Curtis, Johnny Cade, Sodapop Curtis, Darry Curtis, Steve Randall, Twobit Matthews, Dallas Winston
MARVEL
Matt Murdock, Peter Parker (Tobey, Andrew, Tom), Bucky Barnes, Clint Barton, Loki, Wanda Maximoff, Pietro Maximoff
[more to be added]
911 FOX
Evan Buckley, Eddie Diaz, Maddie Buckley, Howie Han
STAR WARS
Luke Skywalker, Anakin Skywalker, Obi-Wan Kenobi, Din Djarin (The Mandalorian)
[more to be added]
HARRY POTTER
— golden trio era
Harry Potter, Hermione Granger, Ron Weasley, Luna Lovegood, Neville Longbottom, Cedric Diggory, Fred Weasley, George Weasley, Oliver Wood, Draco Malfoy
— marauders era
Remus Lupin, Sirius Black, James Potter, Lily Evans, Pandora Lovegood, Regulus Black, Dorcas Meadows, Marlene McKinnon, Barty Crouch Jr, Evan Roiser, Alice Fortescue, Mary MacDonald, Narcissa Black
[If you want one of these characters, like Remus for example to be older like during the Harry Potter movies let me know!]
— legacy era
Sebastian Sallow, Amit Thakkar, Poppy Sweeting, Natsai Onai, Garreth Weasley, Ominis Gaunt
#ao3#fanfic#masterlist#james potter#marauders#sirius black#wolfstar#911 fox#red white and royal blue#henry fox mountchristen windsor#alex claremont diaz#eleventh doctor#doctor who#tenth doctor#david tennant#rose tyler#sebastian sallow#ominis gaunt#ted lasso#jamie tartt#the outsiders#marvel#matt murdock#james & peter & remus & sirius#peter parker#star wars#the mandalorian#request#request rules#hogwarts legacy
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Sleepy's Writing List
I will also write ler!reader, (there is a severe lack)
Mcyt
Dream
Sapnap
Georgenotfound
Badboyhalo
Skeppy
Dream XD
Sapnap 4K
George HD
Antfrost
Velvetiscakee
Captain Puffy
Awesamdude (Sam)
Larray
Sidemen
JJ Olatunji (KSI)
Simon Minter (MiniMinter)
Harry Lewis (W2S)
Ethan Payne (Behzinga)
Josh Bradley (Zerkaa)
Tobi Brown (Tobjizzle)
Vik Barn (Vikkstar123)
Heartstopper
Nick Nelson
Charlie Spring
Darcy Olsson
Tara Jones
Elle Argent
Tao Xu
Issac Henderson
Imogen Heaney
Sahar Zahid
Tori Spring
Otis Smith
Sai Verma
Christian McBride
9-1-1
Hen Wilson
Karen Wilson
Denny Wilson
Mara (Driscoll) Wilson
Maddie Buckley-Han
Chimney (Howie) Han
Athena Grant-Nash
Bobby Nash
May Grant
Harry Grant
Eddie Diaz
Christopher Diaz
Evan (Buck) Buckley
Tk Strand
Carlos Reyes
Ravi Pannikar
Tommy Kinard
Red, White, and Royal Blue
Alex Clermont-Diaz
Henry Hanover-Stuart-Fox
Beatrice (Bea) Hanover-Stuart-Fox
Nora Holleran
Percy (Pez) Okonjo
Smosh
Anthony Padilla
Ian Hecox
Shayne Topp
Damien Haas
Courtney Miller
Olivia Sui
Keith Leak Jr.
Tommy Bowe
Spencer Agnew
Amanda Lehan-Canto
Angela Giarratana
Trevor Evarts
Chance McCrary
Arasha Lalani
The Walking Dead
Rick Grimes
Michonne Grimes
Carl Grimes
Judith Grimes
RJ Grimes
Glenn Rhee
Maggie Rhee
Daryl Dixon
Carol Peletier
Rosita Espinosa
Paul (Jesus) Rovia
Enid
King Ezekiel
Aaron
Connie
Kelly
Juanita (Princess) Sanchez
Michael Mercer
Gabriel Stokes
Noah
Lydia
Jerry
Bridgerton
Anthony Bridgerton
Benedict Bridgerton
Colin Bridgerton
Daphne (Bridgerton) Bassett
Eloise Bridgerton
Francesca (Bridgerton) Sterling
Gregory Bridgerton
Hyacinth Bridgerton
Penelope (Featherington) Bridgerton
Kate (Sharma) Bridgerton
House of the Dragon
Simon Bassett
John Sterling
Rhaenyra Targaryen
Aegon II Targaryen
Daenerys Targaryen
Daemon Targaryen
Jacearys Velaryon
Lucearys Velaryon
Helena Targaryen
Baela Targaryen
Rhaena Targaryen
Aemond Targaryen
Alicent Hightower
Rhaenys Targaryen
#writing list#mcyt#heartstopper#9-1-1#rwrb#rwrb movie#red white and royal blue#smosh#twd#the walking dead#sidemen#bridgerton#house of the dragon
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don't say anything (except i love you)
by lou1spr1nce “How long have you two been together?” a voice asks next to him. Eddie startles at the low British tones, almost forgetting that he walked over to the bar with Henry. Eddie shakes his head and looks away, his cheeks flushing at the fact that he had been caught staring. “We’re not.” Henry looks down at Eddie, confused. “No?” He pauses for a moment, looks in Buck’s direction and then back to Eddie, reassessing. “But you’re in love with him?” he asks gently. Eddie thought about lying, but there is something about Henry that makes it almost easy to tell him the truth. Eddie also had a feeling that had he tried to lie, Henry wouldn’t believe him anyway. Eddie’s gaze finds its way back to Buck. Taking in his curls, the look on his face, the way he seems so relaxed and at peace. Buck hasn’t looked this happy in a long time. “How did you know,” is all Eddie responds. “Because you look at him the same way I used to look at Alex.” OR Eddie takes Buck along with him and Christopher to Austin, Texas for a Diaz Family Reunion™ at his uncle’s LBJ lake house, where Eddie’s cousin’s new fiancé, Henry, decides to play cupid for Buck and Eddie Words: 2292, Chapters: 1/8, Language: English Fandoms: 9-1-1 (TV), Red White & Royal Blue - Casey McQuiston Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Categories: M/M Characters: Evan "Buck" Buckley, Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Christopher Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Alex Claremont-Diaz, Henry Fox-Mountchristen-Windsor, June Claremont-Diaz, Ellen Claremont, Oscar Diaz (Red White & Royal Blue), Nora Holleran, Minor Characters, TK Strand, Carlos Reyes (9-1-1 Lone Star), Mateo Chavez (9-1-1 Lone Star), Judd Ryder (9-1-1 Lone Star), Grace Ryder (9-1-1 Lone Star), Marjan Marwani, Maddie Buckley-Han (mentioned), Howard "Chimney Han (mentioned), Henrietta "Hen" Wilson (mentioned) Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Alex Claremont-Diaz/Henry Fox-Mountchristen-Windsor Additional Tags: Mutual Pining, First Kiss, Getting Together, someone is trying to play cupid, i decided these characters should know each other so i became their god, Minor Tommy Kinard Bashing, im sorry i wish there was more, ill try harder next time, Gay Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Bisexual Evan "Buck" Buckley, Eddie Diaz and Alex Claremont-Diaz are Cousins, Christopher Diaz Has Two Dads, alex and henry meddling era, the whole buck and eddie thing, Canon Compliant, Fangirl Evan "Buck" Buckley, karaoke bar, a few bets for silly times, Christopher Diaz is a National Treasure, i hope you find this funny because i made myself laugh writing it, diaz family reunion, Buckley-Diaz Family (9-1-1 TV), Idiots in Love, POV Alternating via https://ift.tt/lNXFqpJ
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“I always believed that Madison Holleran would have loved To Write Love On Her Arms—if only she’d had the chance to find it.
Madison died in January of 2014, just one week into the second semester of her freshman year at the University of Pennsylvania. The track and field star jumped off a parking garage in downtown Philadelphia. On Aug. 1, my book about Maddy’s story, What Made Maddy Run, hits shelves. But while Maddy’s story is certainly at the center of the book, its purpose is much broader: we investigate the dangers of perfectionism (among athletes and non-athletes alike), the tricky transition to college, the effect of social media on our brains and how we communicate, why the rates of anxiety and depression are increasing among young people, and many other issues impacting our culture.
Every time I pull on one of TWLOHA’s tank tops, emblazoned with words that make me feel something, I think of Madison, and I wonder what part of TWLOHA she would have most connected with.
She loved quotes, all quotes, but especially the kind that made you feel something. In fact, on her computer, she had a file she started actually labeled “good quotes” and she would add to it as she came across ones she liked.
It is for this reason that I feel so connected to the mission and energy behind TWLOHA, and it is the driving reason behind our partnership with the organization.
We took great caution to tell this story truthfully and accurately, but also sensitively, and we are honored that TWLOHA is supporting this book, and that we can support them in return.”
- Kate Fagan (x)
Shop the collection.
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She was...attempting to control the uncontrollable. She wanted to hold water.
Kate Fagan, What Made Maddy Run
#kate fagan#split image#what made maddy run#to write love on her arms#maddy holleran#madison holleran#rip
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Review Time!
This was amazing! ★★★★★/5 stars
⚠️ [TW: suicide, blood, death, death of a loved one, eating disorders, pain, alcoholism, anxiety, depression, guilt, mental illness] ⚠️ The fact that I didn't know what happened to Maddie is really surprising and it shocks me & scares me to know that they are so many others like her with similar and different stories whose voices are not heard. Plot What made Maddy run is a magnificent story about 18-year-old Madison Holleran who has had a perfect life; she was a freshman at an Ivy League school, recruited for the track team, who is also beautiful, popular, and furiously intelligent. Madison has succeeded in everything in her life but college has been a problem for her. She is used to being what her family calls "the best" and when she's recruited in a college with all "the best" people she finds that it's not easy to be herself anymore / happy. Madison has been struggling for a while and takes her life. But it is much more than that there is much more than just this All-American team who has been struggling. What a lot of people don't know about suicide is that there is often more than one reason. And in this glorious book, Madison's reasons are discussed. Discussions A lot of things are discussed in this book some of the things that were discussed are how people (like some parents) think that this generation is soft or weak somehow just because they are hurting and the suicide rates and everything is going up. The author (Kate) discusses that just because most of this generation has everything like enough food or shelter and clothes that doesn't mean that everything is good, well, and perfect. I loved how this book separated the physical life from the mental life and showed that just because you have everything in the breach of your palms doesn't mean that everything is going well. So there is a difference between physical and mental health, it isn't what most people want to talk about these days but it is something that is very important and it's FINALLY getting the light it deserves but still not enough. Madison Madison was represented perfectly, she was described perfectly everything like her feelings and thoughts were all thought out so well by Kate. It's just so honest and brutally truthful to know how much Madison struggled on the inside but was doing so well on the outside. I loved learning and seeing how Madison was growing on the outside but shrinking on the inside. Also seeing the pressure she had to be perfect and everything was just so realistic about what most people go through today and are so quiet about it. This book is soo perfect and showed how NO ONE can BE perfect. And of course, most of us already know that, but it is different to know something and see it for yourself PERFECTLY. Overall Overall this was a touching book that definitely made me cry and ball my eyes out. I definitely recommend this book to everyone and anyone to whom this subject is not too sensitive. Quotes "I am sick and tired of hearing the facile, tired response that my generation is too "soft" and has been ill-equipped by cold coddling "helicopter parents." My parents and those of my peers do not fit the strawman caricature and my peers are extremely hard-working, intelligent, and ambitious. What I learned about myself and about my peers was that our main source of stress was that we are simply not allowed to be human... My generation is not suffering because we didn't learn how to lose a game of flag football. We are suffering because everything we do is filtered through the lens of consumerism. We see ourselves as products to be "branded" and "marketed" in all venues of our lives: social, romantic, and professional. This has been a mindset inculcated into us from an early age." - DrHibiscus Page: 112-113 "We're teaching young people what to think not how to think." - Peter Gray Page: 121 "Who can find a soulmate when her own soul is still such a work in progress?" - Kathryn Page: 122
#what made maddy run#book#review#bookreview#tw suicice#mental wellness#mental health#mental illness#mental#maddy#kate fagan#books#reviews#mental health awareness#mental health awareness book#mental healh book#book reviews#booklr#booksbooksbooks#bookmark#bookish#book blog#books & libraries#book lover#mental health book#best seller books#kate fagan book#kate fagan mental health
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#LifeUnfiltered
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Mass Media Research: Quantitative vs Qualitative
I chose two scholarly journals having to do with mass media and the effect and role it has in society. The first article, was a qualitative research journal that had to do with the role mass media play in how people perceive health, food and illnesses having to do with food. The journal looked at surveys showing how people’s awareness of the newest types of illnesses and diseases changed and are heightened due to how the media portrays the seriousness of an illness, it said “Newspapers articles facing food related hazards tend to be alarming thus affecting the citizens risk perception. On the other hand, people often ignore how to manage their own food safety in a practical way.” Ultimately it showed that a large percentage (over 50%) of respondents were overly scared about the latest and greatest illness, directly correlated with how much news and media they consumed. Simply put “Analysis of media messages can help to evaluate and correct the negative effects that may result in wrong information.”
The second article was about the media impacts on suicide. This journal was a quantitative review of around 300 different cases. The purpose was to see the real-world impact of suicide stories in the media, and whether or not these had any effect of a copycat person. It found that “studies based on real stories as opposed to fictional stories were 4.03 times more apt to uncover an imitation effect. The medium of coverage was a significant predictor of copycat effects with televised stories being 82 percent less likely to affect suicide than newspaper-based stories. Some evidence was found for period effects, and stones were linked more often to the incidence of suicide attempts than suicide completions”
"This is the story of Maddy Holleran's life, and her struggle with depression, which also reveals the mounting pressures young people -- and college athletes in particular -- face to be perfect, especially in an age of relentless connectivity and social media saturation.“- Kate Fagan
Ultimately both journal articles do well to explain the role the media has in society whether it be quantifiable or not. I found that, even though both have their differences, the qualitative method is a bit clearer than the quantitative, just because it allows for a bit more fact and logic, as opposed to theory and summation because it involves hard numbers which in turn can be hard data. However, both studies I read and both methods of research go hand and hand (especially in the first article)
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Madison Holleran ran track at the University of Pennsylvania. She was popular and beautiful, and she was raised in a big, supportive family in a New Jersey suburb. "By all accounts, Madison in high school was this young, happy, vibrant, wildly successful human being, who was destined — according to everyone around her — to do amazing things with her life," says sports writer Kate Fagan.
And from the outside, Madison appeared to be thriving in college, too. But inside, she was struggling with anxiety and depression. Then, in the middle of her freshman year, Madison ended her life by jumping from a building in the middle of downtown Philadelphia.
The suicide raised a lot of questions about mental health on college campuses. And it got Fagan wanting to understand What Made Maddy Run — the title of her new book.
Trying To Understand 'What Made Maddy Run'
#what made maddy run#kate fagan#sports#running#track#college sports#athlete#depression#anxiety#suicide#nonfiction#mental health#college campus#books
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#maddy#maddy holleran#madison holleran#obsession#track#cross country#eating disorder#food#health#nutrition#what made maddy run#spectacular balancing act#control#feeling in control
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http://www.madisonholleranfoundation.org/
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Why She Ran
Sarah, art therapy, reads about suicide from an art therapist viewpoint in Kate Fagan's book in "Why She Ran"
As the holidays come to an end, now is the time to use the new things we were gifted over the holidays! One of the gifts I received that was at the top of my list was the book, What Made Maddy Run, by Kate Fagan. Kate Fagan goes into detail about the story about Madison Holleran and her suicide while being a student at the a University of Penn. Although I am not finished the book yet, so many…
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#Art Therapy#book#Books#College#Kate Fagan#Life#Madison Holleran#Marywood University Art Department#Reading#suicide#suicide awareness#What Made Maddy Run#Where Creativity Works
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Madison Holleran— Rest in Peace— you are part of why my project matters
It is the anniversary of Madison Holleran’s sucicide. She went to a highschool near mine, and I had met her once or twice. She was notorious in new Jersey. Girls wanted to be here, and boys always wanted to date her. She was so popular and pretty and everyone was always jealous of her. She went to UPENN was a star athlete. so smart, and you can see for yourself how gorgeous she was. Noone knew how much she was struggling with her mental health, and was sucumbing under the ridicoulous unattainable stress that ivey leagues and pressure to suceed caused her anxiety and depression. IT IS THE SCHOOLS FAULT. When I found out about this freshman year, I couldn't get out of bed. Today, I am still shocked and saddened by this story. It breaks my heart.
“ON THE MORNING of Jan. 17, 2014, Madison Holleran awoke in her dorm room at the University of Pennsylvania. She had spent the previous night watching the movie The Parent Trap with her good friend Ingrid Hung. Madison went to class. She took a test. She told a few friends she would meet them later that night at the dining hall. She went to the Penn bookstore and bought gifts for her family.
While she was there, her dad called. "Maddy, have you found a therapist down there yet?" he asked.
"No, but don't worry, Daddy, I'll find one," she told him.
But she had no intention of finding one. In fact, she was, at that exact moment, buying the items she would leave for her family at the top of a parking garage. Godiva chocolates for her dad. Two necklaces for her mom. Gingersnaps for her grandparents, who always had those cookies in their home. Outfits for her nephew, Hayes, who had been born two weeks earlier. The Happiness Project for Ingrid, with a note scribbled inside. And a picture of herself as a young kid, holding a tennis racket. Over winter break she had told her dad that she was borrowing that picture, that she needed it for something.
She didn't say what.
Then, on the evening of Jan. 17, just after dusk settled on the city, Madison took a running leap off the ninth level of a parking garage in downtown Philadelphia.
She was 19 years old.”
http://www.espn.com/espn/feature/story/_/id/12833146/instagram-account-university-pennsylvania-runner-showed-only-part-story
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Reflections Still Look the Same to Me As Before I Went Under
by regularis_vas Alex and Henry have a week to themselves before the chaos of their lives split them apart again for work. So, they decide to take a holiday where everything goes wrong. Luckily the disaster happens in the best possible place. Los Angeles, home to the 118. Words: 18507, Chapters: 1/1, Language: English Fandoms: Red White & Royal Blue - Casey McQuiston, Red White & Royal Blue (2023), 9-1-1 (TV) Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings Categories: F/F, F/M, Gen, M/M Characters: Nora Holleran, Alex Claremont-Diaz, Henry Fox, Ellen Claremont, Oscar Diaz, Beatrice Fox, June Claremont-Diaz, Amy Gupta, Zahra Bankston, Shaan Srivastava, Percy Okonjo, Maddie Buckley, Bobby Nash, Christopher Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Athena Grant, Howie "Chimney" Han, Henrietta "Hen" Wilson, Evan "Buck" Buckley, Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Shannon Diaz, Denny Wilson Relationships: Alex Claremont-Diaz/Henry Fox, Evan Buckley/Eddie Diaz - Relationship, Bobby Nash/Athena Grant, Howard Han/Maddie Buckley, June Claremont-Diaz/Nora Holleran, Zahra Bankston/Shaan Srivastava, Hen Wilson/Karen Wilson Additional Tags: crossover AU, Canon Compliant, kind of, Angst, Hurt No Comfort, But also, Hurt and comfort, Natural Disaster, Chaos, First Responders - Freeform, Fire Fam - Freeform, Medical knowledge, Drama, Adrenaline, slight gore, Bobby Nash is everyones dad, Fluff, split up, there’s so much going on, like a lot, good luck via https://ift.tt/DtPoRX5
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Here’s The Truth: College Was NOT the Best 4 Years Of My Life
If I’m being totally honest, I feel kind of silly writing this post. I started college 11 years ago and graduated from it 7 years ago. In many ways, this chapter of my life feels like a distant past. It’s not something I dwell on frequently.
However, a few weeks ago my friend Kait Hurley came onto the podcast and recommended I check out Kate Fagan and her book What Made Maddy Run. Little did I know a week later it would end up on my doorstep. Kait graciously sent me a copy to read and without hesitation I jumped in. I ended up starting and finishing the book in two days.
The book tells the story of Maddy Holleran, an 18 year old uPenn student who after a rough transition into college ended up committing suicide in her second semester. It is a tragic story and one with an ending I can never comprehend, but the book also jumps into the topics of transitions, mental health and how social media plays a role in this.
I won’t retell the whole story, but I definitely encourage you to check out the book yourself. Even if you haven’t struggled with mental health, it will help bring some light to people who do. If nothing else, it will shed some perspective on the issues that have arisen from our increasingly digital and social media obsessed culture. Yes, I get the irony of me touching on this subject. I’ll save this topic for another day…
The part that really hit home for me was Maddy’s struggle with transitioning to college. I too struggled hard in this transition and can easily pinpoint the start of my mental health challenges with the start of college. In reading Maddy’s story I’ve come to realize that it’s never too late to share your own. I’m sharing mine for anyone who is preparing or currently in college and is having a tough time. And also for anyone who has felt shame in their own college experience.
I, like most kids (we were kids – I was 17!) was excited to finally move out and spread my wings in college. I had imagined this incredible 4 year supernova that I’d one day look back on as the highlight of my life. I couldn’t wait to make new friends, control my schedule and not feel like I had parents/teachers/coaches breathing down my neck. What I hadn’t anticipated was that behind every supernova is an explosion of epic proportions that I certainly wasn’t prepared for.
I remember looking around my dorm room on my first day of college and feeling my chest seize in panic. “Who do I talk to?”, “What if no one likes me?”, “WTF is Minerva and if I want to become a lawyer/doctor/teacher how do I figure out what classes to take?” My parents raised us to be pretty independent and resourceful humans but in that moment, I’d never felt so alone.
The thing about loneliness is that for some it is motivating, and for others its debilitating. I fall into the latter category. Loneliness gets into my head and starts feeding me lines like “no one will like you”, “everyone is judging you for having no friends”, “you’re better off just hanging out in the library”. None of these lines serve any purpose except to pull me further and further away from the people who I so desperately sought to get close to.
Things only seemed to progress and by 3 months into college I had what felt like my first true emotional breakdown. I was sitting alone in a coffee shop in Montreal and for a brief moment felt myself leave my body. In looking down on myself, the person who was sitting there felt unrecognizable to the person who I knew. Tears streamed down my face but I didn’t make a sound. It was both surreal and terrifying.
When we all came home from college during Christmas break I masked this fear and struggle and played along as my childhood friends shared their first semester stories and all the new memories they were making. I’m sure that in this bunch there were others who were struggling too, but if they were it certainly didn’t feel socially appropriate to talk about it. We were “supposed” to be having the time of our lives.
Unlike Maddy’s story, where things took a tragic turn in second semester, things started to look up for me when I returned in January. I reconnected with some high school friends at my school (not “new” friends but friends nonetheless) and started planning for when we’d move out of dorms and into our own apartments. I got to know the city better, made a few acquaintances on my floor and sort of got the hang of school. More importantly, I started to see a counsellor. She assured me that even if it didn’t feel that way, many people struggle in their transition to college and that putting pressure on myself for it to be so amazing is just setting me up for disappointment. I never felt like I fully clicked with her, but in hindsight I realize how important it was that I had someone to talk to and I’m grateful to my school for having this resource – though I do still feel like most colleges could do more to support their students mental health.
It was during this time that my disordered eating began. It would take me many years to put this all together but I see clearly now that when life felt like it was spinning out of control, I always felt like I could control what I ate. It was also during this time that I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety and Depression (GAD). It’s been 10 years since receiving this diagnosis and I’ve definitely made peace with it, but I remember at the time feeling so ashamed. I truly felt like I was the only one struggling, but in receiving this diagnosis I could also begin implementing ways that I could better support my mental health.
The next 3.5 years were a lot of ups and downs. More ups than downs but the immense pressure of college mixed with being an impressionable 20 year old with major body image issues certainly had an impact. I did make some new friends, joined communities and graduated with a badass GPA that has done virtually nothing to further my career (you mean you can’t major in blogging?!). I learned how to live on my own, have a best friend who I wouldn’t trade for the world and in the 2 months of the year when it wasn’t winter in Montreal I did actually enjoy myself. I also learned the all important lesson of supporting your mental health and that even though people can seem like they have it together on the outside, that doesn’t necessarily mean they have it together on the inside.
Overall I’d say my college experience was a positive one, it just wasn’t the best 4 years of my life…
I look back on those years as a season of my life but not something I’d ever want to relive. They propelled me forward but they were hard, really hard. Know that if it is currently or was also really hard for you, that’s okay. You are not alone. And please please please seek help. Find a counsellor on campus you can talk to or search for one here. There is zero shame in caring for your emotional well-being. In fact, one day you’ll applaud yourself for it.
Also know that like most things in life, it will pass. Like I said, college feels like a distant memory for me. It certainly had a large impact on me but it’s not something that I think about frequently. So while I’m not going back anytime soon for homecoming and the only McGill pride I have is in my extra-large sweatpants that I sleep in, I’m glad I did it.
And who knows, you may even meet the love of your life on graduation night…;)
What was your college experience like?
The post Here’s The Truth: College Was NOT the Best 4 Years Of My Life appeared first on The Healthy Maven.
from News About Health https://www.thehealthymaven.com/2018/04/college-was-not-the-best-4-years-of-my-life.html
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