#MY VERY OWN LITTLE GUYYYYYY

[pwurrz]

FURRET PLUSH FURRET PLUSH EHEHEHEHEHE

[rawliverandgoronspice]

If Ganondorf was lying to anyone during that Wind Waker speech, he’d be lying to himself. The gerudo desert was indeed harsh, and Hyrule sucked during his time, but legit everything he did in Ocarina of Time is completely unjustifiable, except for the murder of the King of Hyrule. The man sat in luxury for 7 years with monsters surrounding the land, while his people remained in the desert. Yet at the end of the day, he believed that he had every right to do all of that.

Self-justification isn’t a trait that’s outright noticeable with Ganondorf, but Wind Waker puts it out in the open and shows that yes, the self proclaimed “King of Evil” truly believes he’s deserving of the world, and that his circumstances justify his crimes.

I feel like the fandom misses that while Ganondorf may not be this complex 5d villain, he still carries an interesting amount of traits like this

Hey, thanks for the ask!! I'm sorry, I haven't slept in over 24h and felt particularly rhapsodic today so uhhhh sorrryyyyy for being cringe about my little guyyyyyy (and the approximate use of English language that might ensue)

So yeah, I think there's absolutely a huge part of that, trying to make sense of the violently absurd situation he found himself in, a monster and one of the last people who remembers Hyrule and how it was destroyed, and rationalizing to himself why it is not meaningless.

I have to say, not to be uhhh a parody of myself, but I think it could be a little bit more complicated than that (all of it being interpretations of the text that I don't think canon entirely backs always, but my point is that it could be read out of it).

If Ganondorf wanted any meaningful chance to reshape his own reality, then there's no doing that without access to the Triforce. If he had wanted to go for the King's head and nothing else, he would have been stopped immediately by everybody who do have access to shards of the keys to the Sacred Realm (not to mention how trigger happy Zelda was about wishing ????? something to the Triforce about erasing him in some form). I don't think it would have been reasonable to aim for anything but the Triforce as a military goal --not to mention that his beef is half with Hyrule, and half with the Goddesses themselves for considering the gerudos beneath them in some form and for some reason (which becomes even more apparent and deranged in Wind Waker, as part of why he can't let go of Hyrule in my opinion is because their intervention was so violent he simply cannot wrap his head around it and, as usual, Will Not Be Defeated >:((( because he's that kind of bitter little shithead, which I uhhhh relate to a little too much maybe). And then, well. You can't exactly ask for the Triforce and be nice about it, right?

I'm not saying he wasn't gleefully horrible about it the entire time, but I can absolutely see a case of him being self-centered enough to see each of his actions as the necessary (or righteous/vengeful) next step to get closer to his goals, and one thing leads to the other, and after seven years of strife, well, the kingdom you wanted to rule is a pile of rubble, ash and misery you enforced at every step, and oops! You have alienated absolutely everyone who aren't your weird moms!

There's a ton of things to say about the many interpretations that could be made of his relationship to the gerudos so I won't over-expand on that, but, uhhhh yeah he probably used them, or at the very least ruled them with an iron fist to enforce his own power he believed unquestionnable (even if the goal was genuinely to do things for their sake, which in my opinion could still be argued --Hyrule is a big nightmare place during his reign, but the Valley is the only location basically untouched with arguably Kakariko after all).

To be honest, I think TP Ganondorf is more accursed with a sense of self-justification than WW Ganon, who has a surprising amount of clarity on his own motives (to restate my tags on a post I just reblogged: I don't think "I coveted this wind, I suppose" is particularly self-pitying, it's soberingly self-aware if anything). TP Ganon is the one who's obsessed with divine purpose and considering himself a weird take on the Chosen One.

But yeah, I think... To be completely honest, I sometimes feel like Ganondorf's potential (!!! not actual execution, very important to draw this distinction) is just kind of too large for the IP that birthed him? The full breadth of his complexity cannot be explored in a setting that demands he merely generates a simple conflict that doesn't seriously question the status quo while everything about him inherently begs for it (and I love Zelda and its simplicity and what it does, to be very clear!). Like, I know this is just me justifying my own investment to a degree, but... his relationship to the gerudo culture, his relationship to gender, to divinity, to fate, to self-definition, to absolute resistance grinded down to the point of absurdity (but at the same time, what else is there to do)... like all of this absolutely has potential to be large and epic and breathtaking, but. Nintendo needs to preserve the statut quo. And Ganondorf just cannot express all of these themes without having this simple world literally collapse around him.

This is what I find incredibly compelling about this dramatic disaster of a guy. And the very media that suggested all of these contradictions and inner conflicts (without necessarily understanding them at first I think) is now fighting tooth and nail against what it introduced, what he can embody and once questioned (in WW most potently) for the sake of Hyrule's moral balance, backpedalling into a state of simplicity that just never truly existed to that degree before --partially, in my opinion, because this conflict is scary to face heads on without taking significant artistic risks I am not confident we will ever see again, to be uhh less than optimistic.

So yeah! He isn't that complicated as the villain of the children video games for sure!! But. As a character, there's so much there, just sitting right under the surface.

[oathofkaslana]

you know it would be soooo awesome if you explained Cyno lore/your analysis of him (I’m so incredibly lost; my brain is too full of insane scientists for comprehension of him by himself.)

YAYAYAYAYAYAYAY!!!!!!!!!!! MY LIL GUYYYYYY!!

:3 see the frustrating thing abt cyno is that his character stories barely tell about his lore in the way you’d want it to. his affiliation is stated as with the temple of silence and there’s next to nothing else about them in the entire fucking game. BUT THAT ASIDE!!

from what we know of cyno’s ethnically from the desert but he wasn’t raised there. (his job as the general mahamatra allows him to take visit the desert a lot though. a lot of his work is there.) he made a pact with the god inside of him (hermanubis) and because of this, the akademiya wanted to run experiments on him. he was protected from these experiments by professor cyrus who took him in! he’s cyno’s adoptive father :)

now with the pact he quite literally describes himself as a vessel for hermanubis and he calls upon his powers during his burst! hermanubis initially caused cyno a lot of pain but their relationship somehow got better to the current point of their relationship where they work in tandem as vessel and god.

he and lisa were kinda classmates (they were both spantamad) but lisa is his senior. their relationship is very familial-like :3 (there’s a part in 3.5 windblume where they explain that the darshans can be akin to an academic-based family :’] and she teases him by referring to him with the little brother honorific (弟弟/ didi)

lisa sent a letter to cyrus asking for help in collei’s sake and cyrus sent cyno :3 hence why he came to mond, sealed collei’s archon residue, and eventually led collei back to gandharva ville to live under the tutelage of his best friend, tighnari.

ALSO. he and candace are literally complements to each other :’) (cyno being the sun and candace being the moon, one having the eye of ra and the other having the eye of horus, both sharing a signature polearm, both having connections to either al ahmar or kasala, al ahmar’s faithful priest)

AND NOW PERSONAL HEADCANONS/INTERPRETATIONS BC HE MAKES ME SICK DEAR GOD.

OK SO. this is all in my head btw.

- in my head the experiments cyno was almost subjected to were apart of dottore’s extended attempts to elevate humanity to the gods. (other actual parts of his motive are his experiments on collei and scara).

- cyno recognized collei as someone inflicted with archon residue after reading his letter. i don’t think he realizes both the experiments she was apart of and he could’ve been apart of are linked, but i do think he feels incredibly guilty for not being able to prevent it (even if he quite literally couldn’t have known/done anything)

- in fact! i think part of the reason why he became the general mahamatra is because he believed the experiments he could’ve been subjected to was a show of the akademiya’s corruption. i think he trusted the akademiya very much because cyrus was apart of the akademiya and because he loves cyrus and cyrus loves him so so much :’) i think he wanted to prevent that from ever happening again.

- in my head this is also why he’s so so adamant on keeping to the six cardinal sins.

- i think this is also why he felt so so strongly about figuring out the sage’s corruption and betrayal in the sumeru archon quest. so mcuh so that he quit without mention and went on to do his own investigation and prevention. to me this also explains why he was so distrustful of al haitham to the point of literally attacking him the way he did kfbdjdhdjd.

- also related to the human experimentation but i think it could be compelling commentary for medical exploitation of marginalized communities and cyno being from the desert and that happening to him is sooo.. it’s something. (it’s not perfect of course i’d still rather him yk. not be a fucking cop but.)

- he and collei are very obvious narrative parallels in a way that makes me so so sick especially bc in collei’s vl about him we learn that thinking about the sealing ritual can bring her very painful flashbacks to it. even now she slips up and forgets to refer to him informally. he kinda understands how she feels (though he’ll never get it). he just wants her to be safe. and collei doesn’t know! when she leaves with cyno we know nothing about hermanubis! all we knew is that cyno clearly took inspiration from anubis! AND THAT MAKES ME SO SICK (it’s also a big part of my webtoon spin off au which is a character study following collei and cyno’s way to sumeru and collei’s first few weeks or so in gandharva ville. the entire this is heavily collei-centric of course but the first part is a big character study on cyno and collei and their tumultuous relationship w both each other and themselves.)

GODD HE MAKES ME SO SO SICK I LOVE HIM SO MUCH CYNOOOOOO CYNOOOOOO CYNOOOOOOOO!!!

[eleanor-bradstreet]

Wow, ok. I’ve come back down to planet Earth in order to tell you what catapulted (trebucheted?) me up there. Firstly, you are very sneaky about your WIPs, not giving us many hints about what you’re working on until it’s ready to drop. That is, of course, your prerogative, but it makes the impact of your stories strike that much harder when we don’t know what to expect. Perhaps that is your entire strategy after all….😎

I didn’t know what this was. You indicated ‘summer romance,’ I thought, ‘awww, warm fuzzies, maybe a beach and a split at the end of the season’. WRONG. What I got was sweetheart Benedict in all of his empathic glory, the most idyllic English countryside setting, Reader taking that nervous leap to reckon with her feelings, the most tantalizing and ROMANTIC intimacies, and….wtf…my name is in this?!? 😅 You hit me with wave after wave of ache, joy, sweetness, gratitude, anticipation, and pleasure…omg the pleasure. It was like a rollercoaster I couldn’t get off and didn’t want to…I mean, we all want to get off, but I mean….you know what I mean. Ok - to the points!

Reader starts out with melancholy, and I don’t think it’s just situational based on Caroline bailing. Benedict says as much, and Reader knows as much. But you don’t explicitly outline the reason for her mood. Benedict, the dear heart, explains it in the most flattering and sincere way, that she feels and thinks so deeply, it’s hard to be blindly happy. I love that he can sense this in someone and cherish them for it and it’s also making me wonder how he is capable of disproving his own point. We all know he feels and sees the most, and processes everyone else’s stories and emotions before acting. But I would still describe him as being on the golden-retriever side of ‘blindly happy’ in terms of day-to-day disposition. He is still a ball of goofy joy even though he has depth. Perhaps he can help Reader learn to balance in the same way. Maybe he is just waiting for the opportunity…. Which brings me back to my original point. I suspect that Reader’s melancholy is at least partially due to these feelings she is not confronting. Y’know…THOSE ones. That she has Benedict fucking Bridgerton in her life, detecting all her feelings, rubbing her back, championing her happiness, saying “I love you, darling,” (😵) and she SOMEHOW has not declared her love for him yet. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you’ve been friends forever, it’s “weird” or something. But the heart wants what it wants and when you know, you know. (And I know they find out soon enough, I’m just ribbing!)

“I resent her for stealing my sunshine” and later he calls her Sunshine! ☀️😭 stop it…..stop it! The little pet names you have worked into your sexy stories thus far just slay me.

“Parts of your personality came alive with Benedict because he was the only one who had earned those parts of you.” Yep, I told you this is where the tears started. This man and his gentle empathy would be the one to earn access to every part of me. (If you know what I mean, badum tsk)

“You were never able to stomach the way negative emotions haunted his features. They didn’t belong there, not coinciding with his light.” You capture him so perfectly. See? Golden-retriever levels of happiness. You described him as the world’s light in If the World Was Ending too and it’s just so apt. It makes my heart ache in the best way 🥹

“Somehow his teasing prediction already made you feel less alone.” This was a note you left for me on Love to Spare. Somehow, just knowing he exists can change you, even if he’s not right there with you. The thought of him can make you feel less alone, more exhilarated, happier, more alive. Ugghhhhh this fucking guyyyyyy

Ok the use of ‘Sunshine’ when Reader answers the door as a mess I initially thought was a joke, until he kept using it. Then it works on both levels. Adorable!

I think you’re calling him a nuisance as a codeword for you know what 😉

“I didn’t say I was alone. I said I was lonely…” The haunted look had returned to contort his beautiful face. *screaming screaming screaming in Benophie* This is the only way this boy falls in love, I swear. He’s got the charisma and looks to have someone every night but he KNOWS he is lonely in his soul until he finds that one person….

“The undeniable need to vanquish anything that creased his brow pulled you toward him.” Beautiful! So evocative.

“He was comfortable in your silence, and you in his.” I have to ask, was this a deliberate Benophie reference? Because if so, bravo you clever sneak, and if not, I love that Benedict just gives off the same energy in every universe so that we all want the same thing: to sit and read while he stands and paints. Maybe our eyes wander off the page (a lot) to look at those back muscles and the dance of his fingers, the inquisitive furrow in his brow…..(the paintbrushes stored in his waistband???)

Hoo boy then we reach the manuscript part. Full disclosure, I kinda forgot when you asked to use our fics and wasn’t thinking anything of it. I fully read through all the way to “when the unthinkable happened” musing, ‘“hmm, interesting focus on this story she’s reading. Sounds kinda dark, what is the unthinkable thing…? OH SHIT.” And I just sat in open-mouthed gratitude for all of the lovely things you wrote and the fact that you worked this into a story at all. I am now fully committed to us making a whole meta-fic universe within our little circle: full of menaces and zombies and dastardly Benjamins. 😆 Seriously, my heart stopped too when Reader’s did, because I was just so flattered and moved. Tears were shed. 🫶

I’m also so pleased that you took the opportunity for these beautiful little meta-nods. “Her leading man bore a striking resemblance to yours…Images of Benedict’s face flooded your mind” Teeeheeeheee 😉 I’ll amend my new catchphrase and say: I’m sorry I hurt you, but glad that it made you finally realize you can’t lose that man, you love him, and you need to act on it now!

The fact that she says “I’m just remembering you” when he’s standing right in front of her. I know that’s the demented pain I put you through. I know those are piano bench feelings. I’m sorry 💙 

Ahhhhhh! Benedict said my name! He said my name!! 😍 heeeheeee It’s goofy how much joy this brings me. Thank you so much!!

“if the world came tumbling down and you left out that he was the only one…” Ooooo girlllllll, I see you working in all these lyrics! 

Touch, touch, touch…..his language. You know I love it 😉

“I was beginning to worry that you’d never feel it.” Gah, the friends-to-lovers fools! (affectionate) I ADORE this line. That he just has to say ‘it’. Not, ‘you finally kissed me’, not ‘you’re showing that you want me’, not ‘feel the love between us’. He doesn’t have to say anything. They both know. They have known for a while. They don’t need to explain or define or set parameters. They are all in for each other and they know it, inherently. They just had to cross that threshold. This also calls me back to Anthony’s love declaration (which makes me swoon!) “But you must know it in your heart. You must feel it because I do.” (yes he bookends this with ‘I love yous’ but still, that inherent knowing) 

““Well worth the wait,” he declared, tucking your hair behind your ear.” Oh fuck….oh no….here comes the seducer. I need to stop crying and cross my legs, shit.

“The smell of him, so close and invasive, was a provocative elixir calling out to awaken wanton need.” You can’t make my eyes cross this soon! Not when we have thousands of words to go!!! Seriously, what 👏 a 👏 phrase 👏

“This lust was an insatiable beast, only mollified by his touch.” Still….can’t…..uncross…..eyes….

The CONSENT that this man asks for! At every turn! And whyyyyy is it always so hotttttt??? 

I love that you wrote a busty Reader and tackled her insecurities in this moment. While never dropping the temp on their encounter, you depict what is realistically likely to be going through women’s minds. And of course Ben perfectly assuages those fears, overcoming them emotionally and physically. “That other man’s hands were simply inferior.” Snap damn! Move over asshole, Cube Jumper McBigHands is here and we are putting those digits to WORK!!

Oh my…the inclusion of the voyeuristic photographer. You surprised me with this one! But it adds an extra layer of delicious sin, something to titillate and motivate. And they get the best souvenirs out of this in your surprise ending!! So clever.

““Look at me,” he commanded.”  Quessssstion: Was this a reference to the new Lady Chatterley’s Lover film? Because loverboy in that movie says this same line while he is performing the same action and when I tell you it made me lose my wig…. Go watch that movie if you haven’t, I found it to be 🤌 and just pray that their intimacy coordinator works on Bton lol

“I’m aching, Ben. Make it better.” ACK! I am slipping down in my chair.

““Arch for her. Show her how gorgeous your skin is while it’s blushed with heat. Such a pretty color.”” 😳😳😳

Ok…like…how do I find the right way to say this without sounding like an absolute creep? There are actions and moments and lines in your intimate scenes that are precisely my thing, like you know all my turn-ons and tailor made this for me. I really shouldn’t be surprised given how similar we have already found ourselves to be, but you just keep coming out and reading my mind with your work and feedback. Spooky, but also, I love you for it.

“One strong hand wrapped around your throat, pulling you harshly against his muscular torso. His growl in your ear had you dripping for him all over again. “I’m going to fuck you. Do you understand?”” And the award for hottest consent request goes to…. 🥵🥵

“you could feel the steady thrum of his pulse thumping against your walls.” Glad he has a pulse because I don’t anymore 💀

Have to say, I love the position they’re in. It’s one I don’t feel we see very often - creative, but completely plausible and makes the most sense given that they’re kinda-clothed and only wanting to put on a little show for the photographer, not be completely exposed. He can’t even see her face but they are clinging to each other so tight… aaagggghhhhhh

“His hand left your throat to tilt your face into his, foreheads pressed together in intimacy. “Eyes on me,” he ordered. “Don’t look at her. This part of you is mine.”” AGAIN with the looking, but there is so much layered under his last sentence. He’s being feral and possessive, but also wants to see her fully as they come apart together for the first time. If we know Benedict, we know this is driven by emotion as much as it is by carnality. It’s not just her climax that’s his, it’s her focus, her heart, the moment they explode into their next chapter together. He wants to remember it forever. 🫠🫠🫠

That climax….eyes are irreparably crossed…

One of the absolute best things about this story is how the “I love you” moment is so gentle and small, you can almost miss it. It’s not a grand declaration, it’s not something that stirs any shock or conflict in Reader. It’s just a sweet statement of fact, of everything they’ve both been feeling for a long time. Benedict isn’t scared to say it so easily because he knows she feels the same and isn’t going to be scared upon hearing it. Back to my earlier point: they don’t really have to talk about these feelings because they both understand and accept them so fully. It just IS. 🥰

6 Weeks Later - thank you for publishing my ‘book’ and I sincerely hope that Benedict does indeed congratulate you by removing all his clothes 😜

“brow furrowed in angst” pffft hehe 😉

“For loving me back.” Ahhh this is so sweet but also - BITCH you knew she did (affectionate)

Phew. This was…this was just so much. A gorgeous blend of feelings and references and sin that was terrifyingly on point for me. This is the dressing for the wound of I’ll Be Seeing You. This beautiful love (and steamy fucking sex omgggggg) used that nudge of loss to take root, and I’m so grateful it did. You have righted my wrongs 😜 You grew a blossom out of that pain. 

This somehow feels like a combination of the three fics you’ve written previously. It pulls out the best strengths of each and weaves them together and it felled me, in the very best of ways. Bravo, hallelujah, and I need to go lie down. 💙

Wide Open Spaces

Pairings -  Benedict Bridgerton x fem!reader

Summary - Modern AU - Benedict and Reader explore new facets of their longtime childhood friendship. 

Warnings - 18+ Please,  Explicit Language, Explicit Sexual Content

Word Count - 6.2K

Author’s Note - Huge thank you to @colettebronte for giving this a once over for me before posting. And a major shoutout to @eleanor-bradstreet for writing inspiring fics for me to reference! Soundtrack inspos for this one include: Cinnamon Summer by Jome, and Honeybee by The Head and the Heart

______________________________________________

Disappointment. That was the overwhelming sensation coloring your mood as you looked down at the message on your phone. Your sister had canceled on you again. It had been six months since you last saw her and you were starting to miss her.

This always happened when she got into a new relationship. The constant companion you had known your whole life suddenly transformed into the biggest flake on the planet. You were happy she was happy, but she never saw outside of her little love bubble when there was a new guy.

At times, you could smile and write it off as an endearing quirk, but this time your irritation was a bit harder to quell. The trip you were supposed to be taking together this weekend had been planned for weeks. The excitement of seeing your baby sister and enjoying uninterrupted relaxation was the only thing getting you through the tedious tasks weighing you down at work. You knew this cloud of disappointment was going to linger for a few days.

Keep reading

[mariaaagoesblank]

thinking abt. scarian like. possibly mumscarian like. hmmmm. like time travel au or something. yknow. like. idk just. its a modern city thingie and scars like. hes a modern guyyyy yknow.....hes a Normal Little Guyyyyyy just living life. so he like. moves to the big city right. as part of this new job. convex or something.

Uh Oh. turns out the big city has time travelers. like. like. his roommates? a vampire from the wheneverhundreds idk i didnt join dracula daily. and like the other one is a renowned alchemist from that one medival king dude's era. arthur and his circle table or something.

its all fully cubs fault. btw. not out of malice its just. he Has Experiments to do alright sometimes theres failures. thats why hes like. old man no longer yknow???? so convex basically had like a bunch of accidental time travellers. except. pf course. two of them break out of the facility (read: dragged one out Lmao)

now poor scar has to like. he caught them. kind of. they just showed up in his house. and then immediately threatened him to find a way to bring them back yknow. they dont wanna be in the modern world, they liked their time very much ok (except they didnt LLLL)

something something sheninagans something something domesticity something something other scientists finding time travellers of their own (doc, bdubs, iskall, xisuma...?) something something epic adventures to break into the facility and find the other accidental time travellers (off the top of my head i can think of like. pearl zed and cleo from the future. etho and tango from some kinda war. keralis from that like...when was the hiphop bright colour shirts era? ren as like a famous/infamous monarch. joe hills.) something something being a stranger in a world thats not your own, someone displaced through time....something something vampires arent immortal but theyre very close to it....something something magic consumes you much faster than others....something something only the victors get to write in the history books.....

something something accepting your place in the world is not the same as falling into the narrative's hold.

idk. i think. i think they go back. after it all. they dont stay. i think they all go back. to their own times (not home, not home, this is home.) but they dont just...they accept it. that they have to go home, that they cant just leave responsibilities behind (and the universe said you cannot have light without shadow, not shadow without light). but a responsibility, is not the same as a role. (and the universe said you had to choose).

and so maybe. maybe they choose differently this time. idk. i think they get to see each other again, some of them. i think some of them die. i think some of them grieve. i think some of them just...appreciated the time they had.

it was fun. i think. (but it's time to wake up.)

((and the universe said the dream will begin again and again and again. until the end of the universe, until the end of time.))

[myshiki]

Hi guyyyyyys! I haven’t been on here in so long because I went to New York for a week to surprise @thispastiche <33 Crazy week but it honestly changed my life as cheesy as that sounds. 

One of the things I did while I was in New York was see one of Alexa’s friends who is a tarot card reader. One of the cards laid out for me was one of a person handing someone smaller than them a pot of lilies. (I looked it up..it’s Six of Cups card). She said, in lamest terms, that this means to her that I need to take my past experiences or idk..gained knowledge and share it with others. Just to share myself or help look after others is kind of what I got from that card. Alexa mentioned to the tarot reader that 1. I’m a nanny so it was kind of fitting and 2. I have a blog that I share my life on and that I’m very vulnerable on it and that “a lot of people respond to it.” I think Alexa was just being too sweet about that considering I only get like 3 notes per post, but I’m going to keep sharing myself on here anyhow. And if it helps anyone along the way, I’m so happy.

As soon as I got back to Texas my life became hell, because for only a couple of days now I have been in the beginning stages of one of the hardest times I will surely ever have in my life. Being with someone for around 3 years, not including the “talking” stages before that for like 2 years and then having that all change suddenly is terrifying- especially when your lives are so intertwined the way ours are. Her and her sister are who I have been closest to for YEARS now and their whole family became my family. We share an apartment. We share a car. I have so much to figure out. It would be easier if I could just focus on healing my heart and dealing with the emotional side of things, but having to figure out stupid details that have to do with having a roof over our heads and transportation at the same time is overwhelming to say the least. Also, it doesn’t help that their mom is angry with me for wanting to make mine and her daughter’s lives healthier so she’s being petty and really trying to make my life worse on purpose it feels like.

This is what I do know- I will be okay. Everyone involved will be okay. 

I am constantly shitting. (we’re all family here..) and I haven’t had much of an appetite for days now. Two days in a row I either threw up or dry heaved into the toilet from the nerves and anxiety. It has already been rough and it will probably get harder once we stop seeing each other as much, so here is a list of the things that have helped me get through shit so far.

1. During my hardest times- when my mom died, when Duy broke up with me, and now this- I struggle to feel like things are real. My anxiety and fear take over and I feel like I’m fucking floating, but not in a magical way. Yesterday I sat on my couch and thought to myself “I have legs. I have arms. I can move around. I got dressed today. I can drive my car.” and saying the most obvious things like that made me realize 1. I am existing and moving so I am going to be okay. There is no way I won’t be okay 2. I am grateful to be a human and to exist even if I get waves of thinking “I am going to die” and wishing I was dead because I definitely have gotten those.

2. Once I repeated to myself “it’s not that bad. It’s not that bad. It’s not that bad.” Idk what “it” is referring to, I guess the breakup or life but that was the first thing that came to my mind and I repeated it until I was a little more calm. I have also repeated to myself “it’s going to be okay. It’s going to be okay. It’s going to be okay.”

3. Today I had a blunt wave of “stop feeling sorry for yourself” and that actually had me snap out of sadness really fast. Until 20 minutes passed and I was back to being sad again. haha. But honestly, a lot of the time my sadness is because I feel so sorry for myself and sometimes that’s just fucking dumb.

4. Driving calms my nerves better and faster than anything else. Almost to the point where they don’t exist. I crank music up and just drive and idk, the whole drive I’m just in a state of wanting to cry of gratefulness because I’m like “wow, okay. I’m going to truly be okay.” 

5. Listening to music!!!!!!!! Which like, duh..but Post Malone’s new album has and will continue to get me through this shitty period of time. It is just dance-y and happy enough to not make me wanna die but also angry enough to make me feel better? I might have to listen to Billie Eilish today even though that’s a much sadder approach. (I am nannying soon and have a 30 minute drive to work and I can’t wait for that drive).

6. Taking care of other things or people or animals. Nannying is therapeutic for me because I am taking care of other people and not myself. It is a huge relief to get out of my own mind and think “how can I best keep these kids alive (lol) and make them as happy as I can.” I don’t have any pets currently, but when I live with my dad for a couple months which will eventually happen, I will help take care of his hyper ass dog, his 2 cats, all of his chickens, his plants, etc. And I think that will really help me.

7. Hanging out with people who are 100% looking out for you and will let you be as emotional as you need to be without making you feel like you’re too much or being a baby. (But if anyone makes you feel like that anyway, you should drop them fast as fuck). It helps to be around people who love you. There are more of them than you realize. 

8. Drinking helps some nights. haha

But that is my list for now. Like I said, this is only the beginning and I’m probably going to be posting some sad as fuck posts on here, or I might eventually discover more things that are helpful getting through hard times like these ones. 

If you’re reading this, I love you. You are going to be okay. You are a bad bitch and don’t let anyone make you think you’re not. 

[fromrebeccawithlovexox]

Day 10: Friday 17th November 2017

Today is the last day of a very long and tiring week. As my alarm went off this morning I literally laid in bed contemplating.....do I really need to go in today....I soon sorted myself out though! I mean I’ve come this far...why would I ever give up now!?

So today our lessons consisted of Teaching Grammar, A Communicative Grammar Lesson Demo Video and Grammar Lesson Planning. Oh. My. God. Talk about a Grammar overload. My brain still hurts and I genuinely don’t think I can human anymore!

In our first lesson we looked at two very different teaching methods....Deductive and Inductive...I actually kind of like deductive teaching SOMETIMES (when I’m feeling lazy...like yes...just talk at me and give me the info....don’t make me work for it!) But I personally feel like when taking a TESOL lesson that an Inductive approach would be better. We also looked at Form, Meaning and Use....and I don’t know why but I kept getting the Meaning and Use completely mixed up. It was frustrating for me, my peers and our teacher! Sorry guyyyyyys!

After lunch we sat down to watch and analyse the Communicative Grammar Lesson Demo Video....this would have been super helpful if I wasn’t so god damn exhausted. But I still took a few notes from it so it was beneficial.

During our final lesson on Grammar Lesson Planning I was getting so confused about the different grammatical components of the lessons that I kind of went into my own little bubble and googled the definitions of Past Simple, Present Perfect, Perfect Aspect and Past Participle...I am definitely going to have to do a lot of research into these grammatical terms we have looked at over the past week. 

I don’t know why...but I went away from this lesson feeling as though I had annoyed all of my peers and the teacher as I kept asking the same question over and over again...because I didn’t understand it...so if that is the case I am genuinely sorry!

xox