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joanofarchetype · 6 years ago

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A Connecticut Yankee...a kid...that's all well and good but we really don't talk enough about the werewolf in King Arthur's court

This is not a shitpost — in Le Morte D'Arthur, Sir Thomas Malory makes mention of "Sir Marrok, the good knight that was betrayed with his wyf, for she made hym seven yere a wer-wolf". Of course, Malory lifted the tale of the werewolf knight straight outta "Bisclavret," which is one of the Twelve Lais of Marie de France. And it is...wild. There's also "Melion," an anonymous Breton lai which along with "Biclarel" is believed to have evolved from the same source as "Bisclavret". In this post we're gonna refer to the protagonist as the "knight" or the "wolf-knight" and tell a somewhat composite tale.

(A note: this takes place well before commonly established werewolf lore, which crystallized thanks to Universal's The Wolf Man. Curt Siodmak wrote all that stuff about the full moon and silver bullets in 1941 so well that our common imagination accepted it as ancient fact.)

So anyway our guy is a knight who disappears for a couple nights a week and his wife is like ?????? dude ??????? where ??? do you ???? go ??????

And my dude is like "babe I love you but I can't tell you because you won't look at me the same" and she's like "I am your wIFE you better tell me right quick or otherwise have a good nose for almonds in your oatmeal" (jk she doesn't say that because if she did he might've gotten a little foreshadowing of her treachery, but alas, our man was a sucker)

So the knight tells her he's a werewolf, and on the nights he disappears he's wolfing around the countryside and his wife is like !!!!!!!!!! on the inside but makes sure her face is only 🤔 on the outside

(Mind you, Marie de France goes into how the wife is grossed out because she shared her marriage bed with a beast, which has some interesting implications but we'll get to those later)

She starts digging about his transformation until he explains how in order to return to his human shape, he *needs* to put his human clothes back on or else he'll be stuck as a wolf, at which point wifey is 👀👀👀👀

Wifey's like, "but if ur in wolf form, how do u remember where u put ur clothes lol" and the knight's like, "no no, I retain my human mind even in wolf form and besides, I always put them under this one rock outside this cave"

now bear in mind he's never been able to talk about this to anyone so he's pouring his heart out about his deepest secret which he kept even from his wife & I know we're all pretty used to medieval repression but imagine how it must have felt to share this secret at long last 😥

So to recap:

knight: 🤵🏻🛡🐾🌕🐺🤫😅😍♥️💐 wifey: 👰🏼💭🤢🤔👀🧐💡💡👔💍🔪🔪🔪

Our knight is like "yeah so I was born this way and it's just a part of who I am and whew it's kind of a relief to finally be talking about it with someone"

Wifey nods along 🤔🤔🤔 because she's had a💡moment and is 🍳 up a plan...

so the knight has unleashed (pun intended) his secret for the first time in this life and is feeling just dandy, but what he doesn't know is his wife is already plotting his downfall with her...LOVER (dun dun dunnn)

wifey & her secret lover steal the knight's clothes when he's transformed, essentially trapping him in wolf form, get him declared dead in absentia, marry each other & take over his lands

and the royal court goes for this because at this point the whole kingdom knows about the knight's habit of disappearing for days at a time (because medieval nobles are messy gossipy bitches who live for that drama) so they just assume he abandoned her

*~*ONE YEAR LATER*~* (or if you're Malory, *~*SEVEN YEARS LATER*~*)

the king & hunting party corner the wolf-knight in the woods. knight is overwhelmed at the sight of his monarch & runs up to what for all he knows might be his oblivion to kiss king's feet at which point king's like, "THAT'S NO ORDINARY WOLF. HE SHALL JOIN MY COURT IMMEDIATELY."

the wolf-knight goes to live at court where he's basically regarded as a knight (so the takeaway from this part of the lai is that a literal wild animal had a better chance of becoming a knight in ye olden days than a peasant or a woman but I digress)

anyway so there's a celebration at court and who comes to the party but the ex-wifey's new husband, now a baron. understandably, the wolf-knight does NOT react well and attacks him, and the reaction of everyone at court at this near-mauling isn't to say "whoa whoa maybe bringing a wolf to court was a bad idea" but rather "huh, this wolf has never been hostile towards a human before so obviously this guy must've personally wronged him." which is...progressive.

so the new husband/baron/co-conspirator is all "wtf keep it away from me" and the king is like "idk man, what were you wearing? maybe you smelled like royal beef jerky at the time. seems like you were asking for it"

king & the other barons take wolf-knight to the new baron's property. they just need to figure out what's going on because they're not ready to take sir wolf to his final veterinary visit, u feel? they're attached. now get ready for this next part because it's a doozy.

ex-wifey hears about the king's visit so she's waiting with gifts & cakes & shit. the wolf-knight sees her & immediately BITES OFF HER NOSE & he bites it so good her progeny can feel it & henceforth all her descendants are — I SHIT YOU NOT — born noseless. talk about losing face.

under questioning (*cough cough* torture *cough*) the wife admits to her crimes & yields the stolen clothing, which they put in front of the wolf & he just stares at them until they realize "wow yeah sorry dude our bad" and leave the room to give him privacy

when they see the wolf-knight again he's in his human form and in Marie de France's "Bisclavret" it's expressly written that the king embraces him in the bedchamber and gives him "many kisses" (hashtag heterosexual friends doing heterosexual things)

the king restores the wolf-knight's lands and ex-wifey has to live with her ex-baron in exile, forever marked for her betrayal. some real Mark of Cain shit. (obviously this lai has a lot to say about spousal dissatisfaction but that’s another day’s dissertation)

the wolf-knight (Bisclavret, or Melion, or Marrok, or Sir Wolf or whatever you fancy calling him) not only regains his good name, but also the support of a court which now knows his secret dual nature.

something to be hated or feared, only understood and accepted. no one at court shuns him once the secret's out & no one tries to change or "heal" him of his lycanthropy.

remember when I said we'd come back to the wife's reaction? in "Bisclavret" Marie de France specifically states that upon finding out his secret, the wife no longer wishes to "lie beside him." let's unpack that a bit by exploring similar themes across folklore.

the marriage bed serves as a common motif in tales of animal transformation. ex: in "Beauty and the Beast," the protagonist has to overcome her revulsion towards her suitor's ostensible monstrosity before she can accept his marriage proposal. traditionally these stories with mysterious, beastly husbands who are secretly a true catch serve as an allegory for arranged marriage, designed to help young women process their anxieties about being passed from their father's house to that of a strange new husband.

(we should differentiate these tales from those of an ostensibly appropriate groom who turns out to be a monster in disguise such as "Bluebeard," "Mr. Fox," and "The Robber-Bridegroom," as those deserve a detailed thread of their own but also provide good thematic contrast here)

more often the Beast is kind, patient & gives Beauty the time she needs to the detriment of his own freedom from the curse. once the protagonist gets over her anxiety, she ceases to perceive her groom as just a hulking hairy beast and he can take the shape of a prince at last.

circling back to wolves! in most lore both ancient and modern, werewolves represent something uncontrollable; an animalistic second nature which threatens to literally tear through our well-mannered social façade. "Bisclavret" and its various incarnations don't do that.

if you read "Bisclavret" under a queer critical lens, you can interpret the knight as bisexual; a husband has a secret duality to his nature which he is unable to express in their current social order. significantly, he is born with his lycanthropy rather than being afflicted by the sudden, violent means through which most fictional werewolves are afflicted. it's a part of who he is, and it requires no further explanation or cure.

the wolf-knight finds freedom rather than shame in his lycanthropy, and as a result maintains both honor and control while in wolf form. unlike other famous werewolves, he doesn't function as an expression of tension between the id and the superego.

considering how often wolves are used to imply sexual violence (see also: "Little Red Riding Hood" or its medieval predecessor, "The Grandmother's Tale") this would be a fairly positive portrayal of a bisexual man.

however, his wife doesn't see it that way and is repulsed at the thought of sleeping with him again, so she commits adultery and conspires against him. so really, the crimes in "Bisclavret" have a lot to do with sex, just not sexual violence.

the king's attachment to the wolf & the way he embraces the knight can easily be read as homoerotic. there's absolutely an argument to be made about the normalization of homosocial behavior & male kinship across eras but...two things can be true. either interpretation is valid.

so what we have is a werewolf protagonist — not a villain or tortured anti-hero but an honorable man who isn't made to shed his lycanthropy at the end of the tale (tail). rather, he is accepted by his contemporaries and given a place in society to live as he truly is/ROLL CREDITS

#bisclavret #marie de france #medieval literature #queer theory #queer critical theory #medieval lgbtq #werewolves #werewolf literature #i originally posted this to fb & then twitter so u can find these there #my twitter handle is also @joanofarchetype #(it's my pinned tweet)#long post #gif warning

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bartsugsy · 6 years ago

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why the ‘aaron gets kidnapped’ storyline of 2018 was perfect robron content and if you don’t think so you’re objectively wrong and yes i know the definition of objective bc someone already told me

hello spoons welcome to a post i like to call ‘im right’ strap in u sausages i love u

in this post i will argue the existence and also beauty of the storyline, in the beautiful and haunting year of 2018, in which our hero aaron gets fuckin kidnapped straight off the street by some punk named sid and then our other hero robert has to go and get his husband back

it’s underrated bc it can never be rated enough and also bc some people weren’t particularly enamoured by it and i’m here to tell u why ur all incorrect

and i know this because i have a degree in correctness check it out

oNTO THE POST ABOUT WHY THIS STORYLINE IS ART

we open with robert walking down a street

technically we open with other stuff that happened before this but im getting right down to the goods i have a point to make

SO robert is walking down the street when he SUDDENLY gets a video call from aaron

and he’s like weird how aaron is video calling me right now he never does this unless it’s 2am and we’ve been separated for more than 12 hours wow

but it’s AARON TIED TO A CHAIR LOOKING SAD AND DISTRESSED

BC SID WANTS MONEY AND EXPLOITING AARON’S RICH ASS HUSBAND IS THE ONLY WAY HE KNOWS HOW TO DO IT

AND FRANKLY IT WORKED SO I CAN ONLY COMMEND HIM FOR KNOWING ROBERT’S WEAKNESS

AARON

SO ROBERT IS LIKE

IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET

SEES THAT HIS HUBBY LOVE OF HIS LIFE MAN OF HIS DREAMS

HAS BEEN

TAKEN

robert is not happy about this and goes to the only two people he reasonably thinks can help, cain and moira

which seems right, i think u will agree

anyway stuff happens, they dont know how to get aaron back, time is running out

and honestly

this is where beautiful thing #1 happens

1. robert isn’t willing to risk aaron’s life for the sake of money

they’ve come so far

and like ok we already knew that and frankly we knew that from the lodge days when he couldn’t kill aaron even tho he knew it would be the end of life as he knew it, with all his money and power, to let him go

bc rob isn’t really about that highfalutin murderin’ lifestyle really even tho he really does love money a whole lot

he just loves aaron more

SO ROBBO IS OUT HERE LIKE UM I’M NOT JUST GONNA

SIT AROUND

AND WAIT FOR AARON TO BE BRUTALLY MURDERED CAIN

I’M GONNA PAY THIS MAN THE MONEY AND GET MY HUSBAND BACK BC FRANKLY THEY COULD ASK FOR THE DEED TO SATURN AND I’D FIND A WAY TO GET IT FOR THEM

so robert RUNS OFF and works out how much money he has and just so we know

PEOPLE JUST SO WE KNOW

robert does not have enough money he spent that shit on legal fees trying to save his fuckin little crime-susceptible family

so robert, priorities in order (aaron > other things), goes to the only person he knows with fuck loads of dispensible cash

his mortal enemy for the three months that the show cared about that story

joseph loseph tate

NOW JOSEPH AND ROBERT’S ANTAGONISTIC RELATIONSHIP WAS, IF U WILL RECALL, BASED 99% ON THEIR OWN FUCKING DESIRE TO BE PROUD AND/OR SMUG IN ONE ANOTHER’S GENERAL DIRECTION

SURE THEY TRIED TO FUCK ONE ANOTHER OVER

BUT MOSTLY IT ALL BOILED DOWN TO JUST WANTING TO MAKE THE OTHER LOOK LIKE A LOSER

men are so dumb oh my godddd

AND LO THIS BRINGS US TO REASON NUMBER TWO WHY THIS STORYLINE IS PERFECT

2. robert puts aside all his fucking pride to save his husband

HE MARCHES UP TO JOE AND IS LIKE OK MAKE ME A FUCKING DEAL

JOE, BEING A LOVELESS DEMON, EXPLOITS THIS MOMENT FOR ALL HE CAN, DEMANDING BOTH ROBERT’S CUT OF HOME JAMES AND THE MILL, JUST BC HE ENJOYS THE IDEA OF BRINGING ROBERT NEEDLESSLY TO HIS KNEES AND TAKING AWAY ALL OF HIS POTENTIAL POWER

I SPENT HALF OF LAST WEEKEND WATCHING CUTTHROAT KITCHEN WITH @snowbasttien AND IF ANYTHING IT TAUGHT ME THAT MONEY IS POWER IF U KNOW HOW TO USE IT (AND THAT WHILE PEOPLE MAY COME INTO THE SHOW BELIEVING THAT THEY ARE A DOM, IF DADDY ALTON IS AROUND THEN NO ONE LEAVES A DOM)

JOE CUTTHROAT KITCHENED THIS BITCH TO HELL

AND ROB WAS JUST LIKE

YEP

WORTH IT

THUS GIVING US THING NUMBER THREE

3. robert has spent his entire adult life fighting for jobs that give him power and being incredibly invested in his own business(es) and he gave that all up in one fucking second for aaron’s life

LOOK THIS WHOLE STORYLINE WAS ABOUT ROBERT SACRIFICING ALL OF THE SHIT HE WORKED TOWARDS FOR HIS ENTIRE FUCKING LIFE FOR AARON’S SAFETY WITHOUT EVEN GIVING IT A SECOND THOUGHT, OR BEING RESENTFUL ABOUT IT, OR BEING UPSET ABOUT IT

HE DIDN’T CARE

ROBERT’S IDEAS OF WHAT POWER AND VALUE ARE MEAN NOTHING IN THE FACE OF WHAT AARON IS TO HIM

I DONT KNOW HOW TO PROPERLY EXPLAIN HOW BEAUTIFUL THIS IS IN CONTRAST TO EVERYTHING ROBERT USED TO BE

AARON CHANGED HIS WHOLE FUCKIN LIFE AND ROBERT WOULDN’T WANT IT ANY OTHER WAY

ALSO HE MADE THEIR ENTIRE FAMILY HOMELESS

ROBERT, AARON AND TWO KIDS

WITH NO HOME

BECAUSE FRANKLY ROBERT DIDN’T STOP EVEN ONCE TO THINK ABOUT THE CONSEQUENCES BEYOND ‘AARON ISN’T GOING TO DIE’

dumbass

i’ve said this many times before and i’ll say it again: i love aaron but the mill has a beautiful side garden and a wine fridge.

i would have let that bitch die.

SO ROBERT

BC HE LOVES AARON AND LITERALLY JUST WANTED HIM BACK

AND HAD NO DESIRE TO RISK NOT FINDING THE MONEY BUT INSTEAD PURSUING A SNEAKIER PLAN TO SAVE HIM

SELLS HIS ENTIRE LIFE AN D SOUL TO JOSEPH AND GOES TO FIND AARON

he looks scared but luckily cain POPS A FUCKIN SHOTGUN OUTTA NOWHERE BC OF COURSE HE FUCKING DOES

COIRA ARE REALLY OUT HERE

DOING THE MOST

COIRA WOULD NOT HAVE GOTTEN THEMSELVES IN THIS SITUATION THAT’S FOR DAMN DIDDLY SURE

rob gets aaron back and loses his money, job and house all at once but he doesn’t even care he just wants to stand in this forest and grip onto aaron in peace and never let him go

THE NEXT DAY aaron has discovered exactly how robert managed to get so much money together at such short notice

and he’s NOT PARTICULARLY ABOUT IT because

aaron understands that the mill is perfect

aaron values his family having a home over his own life tbh

he also loves the wine fridge

HE AND ROBERT DISCUSS THIS AND AARON IS LIKE NOPE SORT IT THE FUCK OUT ROBERT IM NOT HAVING IT

WE HAVE TWO CHILDREN

WHICH IS FRANKLY FAIR!! BUT THEN!!!!

THEN WE GET TO THE SCENE WHERE ROBERT IS SIGNING OVER HIS SHIT TO JOE

AND AARON IS THERE

BUT HE’S NOT SAYING A DAMN WORD, HE’S JUST SITTING THERE SILENTLY IN SUPPORT OF ROBERT’S LUNACY

BC SOMETIMES BEING MARRIED MEANS BEING A UNITED FRONT

A LIL TEAM

EVEN WHEN YOU DON’T REALLY AGREE WITH WHAT’S HAPPENING, BUT HAVE SAID UR PEACE IN PRIVATE

SOMETIMES THAT’S A THING

JOE IS STANDING THERE BEING A SMUG AND SHIT BC HE’S WON~

AND ROBERT LOOKS MISERABLE AND READY TO SIGN AWAY HIS EVERY ASSET

AND THEN!!!!

and then joe makes a fuckin mistake

JOE LOOKS AT AARON, WHO IS SITTING IN A SILENTLY MENACING WAY PROBABLY, WATCHING THIS SHIT GO DOWN AND JOE IS LIKE

LOL IS UR DUMB ANIMAL BOYFRIEND TALK TO STUPID TO FORM SENTENCES

and like

robert ain’t about people insulting aaron in his presence

so he fuckin just

tears that contract up right there and then

and refuses to sign the mill over to joe

LEGIT IT JUST LIKE NOPE BIG MISTAKE FUCK U

and aaron

AARON POWER MOVE DINGLE

JUST SITS THERE SILENTLY AND SMILES

IT’S AN ICONIC MOMENT DONT FUCK WITH ROBRON OR THEY WILL LITERALLY KILL U THANKS FOR UR TIME

ANYWAY

THIS IS WHY OBJECTIVELY THIS STORYLINE IS PERFECT

BC IT’S ABOUT ROBERT BEING A LUNATIC FOR AARON

AND THAT KIND OF CONTENT FOR ROBRON ADDS YEARS TO MY LIFE

YEARS

IMAGINE LIFE WITHOUT THESE SCENES?

LESSER

WORTHLESS

TERRIBLE

THANKS FOR LISTENING I HOPE U APPRECIATE THAT I AM IN FACT, IN THIS AND ALL THINGS

CORRECT.

THE END XOXO

#robron #i didnt even rewatch these eps to write this and i dont care #fact checking is for losers #and i as we have establish only win

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kirisunshine-ejirou · 6 years ago

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Hiya! We've never talked before, but I love ur blog all the bnha posts you rb! :) And SINCE I saw recently that you've gotten into Banana Fish too, brace urself for these asks :D 1 Fandom : Banana Fish 2 Ship : Asheiji 3 Character : Eiji Okumura Hope you're having a lovely day! 💕

Aww, you’re so sweet! I actually watched Banana Fish a few months ago, but I recently re-watched it with my sister (and ripped my heart out again in the process), so that’s why I’ve been posting more about it lately!. Anyway, thank you for sending me the ask! :) Here are my answers:

001 | Fandom: Banana Fish

Favorite character: Honestly, as much as I love Eiji, it’s gotta be Ash. I will never stop grieving for him, and I appreciate the complexity of his character.

Least Favorite character: Yikes, there’s so many assholes in this show. I’m gonna go with Abraham for creating Banana Fish and then being a weak little bitch about it when shit hits the fan, and for hurting Shorter. Eduardo is also SCUM.

5 Favorite ships (canon or non-canon): I’m not sure if I could come up with 5 ships for this show…Asheiji for sure. Also Max + Jessica.

Character I find most attractive: Ash

Character I would marry: Blanca (hahaha, he’s well-read, attractive, mature, and cares for Ash despite the circumstances they’re both in)

Character I would be best friends with: I wanna be friends with Cain!

A random thought: Cain is such an underrated character! At least, I don’t hear much about him within the fandom. Sing is also a precious bby.

An unpopular opinion: Ash’s full name sounds kinda ugly? Like I love the meaning behind it, but Aslan Jade Callenreese is a bit much.

My Canon OTP: Asheiji

My Non-canon OTP: Don’t really have any.

Most Badass Character: It’s pretty much a tie between Ash and Blanca, but I guess I’d have to pick Blanca since he taught Ash.

Most Epic Villain: Dino. I wouldn’t call him “epic,” but his evil is an evil that’s not so in-your-face, but that still permeates the entire series (Please read @softasheijis‘s analysis of this, it’s great! Linked here: https://kirisunshine-ejirou.tumblr.com/post/183846304436/softasheijis-takes-a-long-sip-of-hot-tea-dino)

Pairing I am not a fan of: Hm. I don’t know of many pairings in the fandom, but Ash + anyone other than Eiji just isn’t right, hahaha. Also Blanca + Yut-Lung is gross b/c of the age thing.

Character I feel the writers screwed up (in one way or another): Some characters may be screwed up in the head, but other than that, no one.

Favourite Friendship: Shorter + Ash!

Character I most identify with: Ash. I have never experienced any kind of trauma to that comes anywhere near to what Ash had to endure, but I identify with the difficulty he had with believing he’s someone worthy to be loved. I’ve got low self-esteem and it can really get to me at times :/ I also don’t tend to trust people very easily.

Character I wish I could be: Hmm, well, I don’t think I’d want the tragic life that comes with being any of the characters…but if I had to choose I guess it would be Yut-Lung so I could have his wardrobe, lol.

002 | Ship: Asheiji

When I started shipping them: Honestly - the pole vaulting scene - I knew they were a ship from what I heard about the show before watching it, so my love of their connection was instantaneous. More realistically - that tender moment in Ep. 11 when Eiji promises Ash that he’ll stay by his side, even if the rest of the world turns on him. (God, I’m almost crying just writing this).

My thoughts: This is one of my all-time favorite ships because the dynamic between the characters and what could have been between them sticks out for me. They deserved better.

What makes me happy about them: Their trust. They would give their lives for each other, and even though this turns out to get them both in a lot of trouble, it comforts me to think that Ash found someone he could rely on after 17 years of hell. Also, the fact that they can both be themselves in the relationship; as Max said, Ash found someone he can finally act his age around, unguarded.

What makes me sad about them: Ash will never get to go to Japan with Eiji :’(

Things done in fanfic that annoys me: Making them suffer any more than they already have.

Things I look for in fanfic: More fluff/hugs/domestic content

My wishlist: I don’t really understand this question? I wish for them to be happy. That is all.

Who I’d be comfortable them ending up with, if not each other: There’s just no other non-platonic pairing for either of them that I can think of.

My happily ever after for them: Ash goes to the library after being stabbed, but calls himself an ambulance, or Max, or anyone who could get him to the hospital, recovers, then meets up with Eiji in Japan where they live a happy, simple life together (as much as possible, ik Ash still has a ton of shit he needs to sort through.)

003 | Character: Eiji

How I feel about this character: His pureness always makes me smile, but he’s also got some spunk! Lol, as in, he teases Ash and isn’t afraid of him (the pumpkin thing, being able to wake Ash up when everyone else is terrified, throwing Ash in the shower, etc.) and he also becomes more able to defend himself as the show progresses; first he goes to Chinatown to find Shorter wearing that ridiculous outfit, then he holds Yut-lung hostage (kinda) and (tries) to shoot Dino. Bless him.

Any/all the people I ship romantically with this character: Ash

My favorite non-romantic relationship for this character: I love his interactions with Bones and Kong!

My unpopular opinion about this character: Not sure if this is “unpopular,” but I’ve heard some stuff about Eiji being more “edgy” (haha, see what I did there) in the manga, so I’d like to see more of that play out in the anime, to give him a little more nuanced character.

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon: I wish we could’ve got more background info on him. Like we know that he’s a former pole-vaulter and that he has a little sister, but not much more than that. I think one of the side stories of the manga has this content though!

Favorite friendship for this character: Eiji & Shorter! Shorter was so protective of Eiji during their limited time together, and I would have loved to see more Ash - Eiji - Shorter friendship interactions.

My crossover ship: Hm, can’t think of any at the moment!

Sorry some of my answers aren’t the most straightforward, haha. Also, @silverquillsideas I just wanted to say, your blog theme is gorgeous, and even though I follow you, I don’t think I’ve seen any of your Banana Fish art/fics until now (I just reblogged an asheiji work of yours!), but I’ll be sure to look out for more :) Hope your day has been great; see you around!

#ask #personal #banana fish #asheiji

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fictional-worlds-are-exquisite · 6 years ago

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commentary/guess the context:

IM FUCKING SOBBING ALREADY

Clean your blade you nasty

You know what else is stronger than anything they’ve ever seen before? My attraction to you in that jacket

IM SOBBING

LORENZO YOU BITCH ASS FUCKER GET YOUR BITCH ASS OVER HERE WE NEED TO FUCKING TALK

Dad no. 2 down

Oooo snappy hey little red alligator

WE’RE GOING ON A TRIP IN OUR FAVOURITE ROCKET SHIP TO FIND LILY

Can you create a rune to get my life in order

CHAT WITH LILY

SUBTLE SIZZY

Alec keep your temper.

Sis don’t try name dropping that’s Magnus’ thing

Damn Alec

‘I would appreciate’ aka ‘you fucking better :)))’

Maybe bc Magnus is better than you lozenge??

Magnus was not given an easy life?? Fucker??

I MIGHT BE SOBBING AGAIN

LOZENGE IS ON BOARD??

ayyyyooo meliorn

Let me slip into my other skin real quick

Sassy

Blood 4 blood makes the whole world bloodless ! We love a drained bitch !

WE’RE OFF TO KILL LILY THE WONDERFUL LILY OF EDOM [wizard of oz tune]

oh he’s a prison lad

MARYSE IS A BOOK SHOP OWNER LEGEND

excuse me you adult fuckers I can only handle one couple making me cry in an episode wrap up the emotions

Ugh we love these subway dirty tunnel dates 😍😍

Single for life you fucking dork

IZZY YOU BIGGER DORK IM SCREAMING GRAB THE ENTIRE FINGER

so basically Jonathan goes to see Lily and Lily goes to see clary and Lily and clary are chilly but Jonathan’s aloney? Am I right?

Oh awkward.

Oh fuck Heidi.

Face ur demons cainy boy!!! This is lowkey romantic look how close they are kiss i guess

A BITCH MIGHT BE CRYING AGAIN

do demons just chill on their throne dramatically all day waiting for visitors?? ‘i’ve been waiting for you’ ‘actually sharon you haven’t left that throne for a week you just happened to be there’

Asmodeous??

If clary wanted me to stay dead I would tbh just ask girl

pLs FoRgIvE mE

oh sis I would like to spend centuries cowering in the dark

clary why are you standing like that I feel as though that is unnecessary just stand up straight

True fam!! mummy I love u!!

I saw mummy kissing her son i n c e s t y

Awkward hug mcgees but at least ur alive

Oh we love torture fuck demon rights am I right?

The way I see it clary stabs herself am I right?

INHALE THE DUSTY SWORD PIECES FROM ACROSS TIME AND SPACE

Jace stop dying it’s so last year ://

I predict Simon takes him down bc everyone underestimated Si

Jace I was JOKING don’t actually die

Si that’s yucky blood don’t drink that bad vamp

Wow everyone’s over here dying huh

Cain u a lil dumb

Clary u really gotta control these impulsions

O nvm sis u did good

HI SCOTT WHATS UP

CAN I CALL U SCOTTY AYYY SCOTTY

pray to lupus!!

all hail wolf god!!

Jonathan what a LOOK god platypus is so in right now

Everytime I just about kill a bitch u pull me back thanks that’s what boyfriends are for

Ohhh pieces coming together just like I wish my life was coming together

BOOKSHOP MUM

OH BITCH HE’S GONNA PROPOSE

BITCH

IM THROWING MY LAPTOP OUT THE FUCK ASS WINDOW

BITCH

no I’m okay now

BITCH

no I’ve processed it this time definitely

#sh spoilers #it turns out i'm boring #it actually turns out whenever malec comes on i get so sucked into their scene i forget i was even commentating #but everyone else? nah they're fair game #sh #shadowhunters #sh 3x16 #i think #are we at 16? maybe

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lilyissms · 6 years ago

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1) to all the new members, it’s a’ me! a’ may’rio! i’ve been stanned a lot. i’m a #goodmin. 2) to members new and old, i’m gonna pull a mona and make an intro 2.0 bc i feel like,, a lot of things were left super vague in my og intro and also a few things have changed per my decision since then so ?? INTRO PART TWO, LEGGO !!

「 MARGOT ROBBIE, FEMALE, THIRTY, BRITNEY SPEARS. 」┈ did you read that latest viral gossip issue on LILY CAINE? she is one of my favorite POP artists. they’ve been releasing music for SIXTEEN YEARS now, but viral gossip has only been talking about them for the last HOWEVER LONG IT’S BEEN AROUND PROBABLY. get this, i think i heard SHE’S BEEN UNDER A CONSERVATORSHIP FOR NEARLY A DECADE. they’re known as the PHOENIX of the music industry, since they have a rep for being RESOLUTE but INHIBITED, but who knows. maybe that will change once they become #1. ( MAY, 18, EST, SHE/HER. )

TRIGGERS: arguable emotional abuse, m a n i p u l a t i o n , death, suicide, unspecified mental illness.

1988 - 2002

lily was born in wisner, la with a population of 926 as of the last census. very small town.

the expy has already jumped out.

she had a super nuclear family. mom and dad, older brother, younger sister.

no middle child syndrome, i just... wanted to put her in the middle.

it wasn’t a harsh upbringing, per se, but it was a questionable one. they weren’t super well-off – her dad ‘ran’ a restaurant with little to no traction that was shut down in 1994, her mom was a job-skipper who was a waitress one day and a nanny the next. her brother started working at a gas station as soon as he was old enough. tried so hard, didn’t get too far.

did they really try that hard tho? i mean homeboy dad knew his restaurant was shit, homegirl mom knew she needed to actually work to hold down a job. only person who actually worked in the family was her brother tbh.

homeboy dad also had a problem with those alcoholic beverages and homegirl mom didn’t do much to help.

so not a TERRIBLE, UNBEARABLE, TAKE THEM AWAY FROM THE HOUSE living situation, but a MAYBE GO MAKE SURE THESE KIDS ARE ALIVE situation

and that’s why lily and her younger sister were both used as meal tickets by her parents. they focused on them way more than they did their jobs, but not in that nice and pampering way?? more in the dance mom -esque way. like, they were CONVINCED one of the two was gonna rise to fame™ and all of their problems would be fixed. they put them in classes and competitions and basically used all of the money they should’ve been using for food and bills to see if one of these two kids could make them millionaires.

sorry brother.

delusional? YES. but did it work? EVENTUALLY.

during one of said competitions, lily was kind of scouted out. she was 15 when she was signed to jive (wow, the expy is just thumpin!) and put out her first single, the anthem we all know, ‘...baby one more time’

2002 - 2010

so homegirl was OBVIOUSLY not used to a city life in la with this HUGE population after growing up... with like 1,000 people in her town (rough rounding of the 2000 census). was she in awe? definitely! was it also super weird and lowkey stressful? totally!

of course, she still visited home – went back to la from la (asdfghjkl) about every two months and spent around two weeks there – but she had stuff to do! people to see!

the label was like “hey ok so we’re gonna train u out of ur normal register and into what we think will make u a hit!!!!!!” and she was like “ok!!!! :D”

released the album ‘...baby one more time’ when she was 15. released ‘oops!... i did it again’ when she was 16. released ‘lily’ when she was 17. released ‘in the zone’ when she was 19.

-banjo noise- THIS IS FOR ALL THEM SOUTHERN BOYS OUT THERE

am i going to steal various accomplishments from her vc? obviously. i’ve already shown that she’s 110% an expy so WHY WOULDN’T I?

collaborated with madonna on ‘me against the music’. did she fuckin star in ‘crossroads’, as written by shona rhimes, when she was 18? obviously. 110% did the snake vma thing when she was 18. 110% did the madonna vma thing when she was 19. got a star on the walk of fame when she was 19. performed live with michael jackson when she was 20. won a grammy for ‘toxic’ when she was 20. ‘blackout’ would later be inducted into the rock ‘n’ roll hall of fame, but we’re not there yet. that’s just one of my favs.

she was totally america’s sweetheart. nice southern girl from a small town. nice manners. fun interviews. cute!!

but that ain’t how hollywood works, is it? catch whiff of a scandal and, yes!, tabloids!

the biggest one before her image completely shattered was when she got married to an old friend in vegas, also at the age of 20. 20 was an interesting age for her.

god, i’m original.

believe it or not, it wasn’t drunken! they were just caught up in everything, then they were like “oh!! that was probably a bad idea!!” a few days later!! especially when her team was like “bitch what the fuck.”

two weeks later, the marriage was annulled. the tabloids were still super excited, and her team was still like “bitch what the fuck.”, so that being said:

people were shutting her doWN.

“bad ifnFLUneCE!!!” “sECX!!??”!” “eXPOasURE!!!” - every parent.

and that was the catalyst!!

so, as we all know by now, i’m really original? like, lily is 110% original with no outside influences whatsoever?

that being said, during a leg of her tour, she met this one guy who worked as a celebrity personal trainer and was immediately enamored with him. very smooth-talking, super good-looking, seemed intelligent, super good-looking, was pretty normal, super good-looking

so she immediately took to him. after only dating people who were essentially the exact opposite of him – very clean, very ‘generous’, etc. – she wanted a change. he provided the change she thought she needed.

so lowkey everyone else totally saw through him. he was very much a druggie, very much a.... womanizer, very much just a douchebag in general? he was very much unfit to actually be in a committed relationship, but lily was totally blinded by how normal and, therefore, different he was.

no matter how long she’d known the person, and no matter how close they were, the second someone was like ‘lily. he sucks.’ she was like ‘we aren’t friends anymore bye.’

what she wanted most out of him was to be domestic, and he was like “ya sure ok.” so only five months after they started dating, they got married.

some of the people she’d shut out had found a perfect opportunity to make her into their own personal cash cow. her mom sold what was meant to be personal information, just between her and her family. her first boyfriend (back before she was #famous) sold a lot of the stuff she left behind or sent him on ebay (i could probably pretend i was being original here, but i’ve gotta embrace the expy, so here’s reg’s expy!!), etc., etc., etc.

i’m telling y’all, it just wasn’t her year!! i mean, she’s actually 21 by now i think, but it still just wasn’t her year!! her dad decided “you know what i’m gonna do... have a heart attack and die.” of course, they were never super close, so it wasn’t as bad as it could’ve been, but like... WOW. must’ve ignored one of those ‘send this to 10 other people in the next 30 minutes or bad luck for the next two years!’ chain e-mails.

so she compensated for that by having a child, as one does. the same year, ‘blackout’ was put out (because i, of course, am original) and, although it’d later be very much acclaimed, they completely slept on promoting it. of the albums that’d been put out thus far, it’d been her least purchased, despite being arguably the best quality (listen, i’m not talking opinion, i’m talking FACTS. in the zone, blackout, and glory are the most acclaimed in production and content. FACTS.)?? and definitely being the one she was the most involved in.

essentially the only form of promotion they rly did was dropping an album of outtakes, then taking it down the very next day.

we stan all the songs on it. especially the last two.

but!! it was all g!! they named the kid after her dad!! and it was all good!!

up until it was brought to her attention that her husband (whose name was originally jett, but i feel like that needs to be changed now that there’s a jett in the roleplay?? input would be great. gotta be a name that a kid would think sounds cool, but would sound really strange on a grown man.) had had multiple hookups during their months of dating and their marriage. also lowkey admitted he, too, was using lily as a cashcow.

so the bitch was completely torn. he was the first ‘normal’ person who’d entered her life, and essentially the only person left, but everyone else... had been right?

cue ‘why should i be sad’ being added to the album!

ultimately, she filed for divorce.

after inspection, the initial custody ruling was that it’d be joint. there would be one week with brock (the new name has been decided), one week with lily. but, brock wasn’t the one always in the limelight. after the legalities had been, for the most part, settled, he was pretty much a normal guy again. very rare to see him in tabloids. his name was everywhere when lily was in an article, though! because everything was his fault, of course!

due to numerous articles that were very suspicious, reports of erratic behavior around paparazzi and reporters, etc., etc., plus just the general rules of it all, lily got some more visitation from the services who were really keeping a keen eye on her.

there came times that coincidences made it look like the ‘house’ (see: mansion) was an unsafe place for a child. too often, the nanny wasn’t around and it was her word against her new manager’s.

although she was, in no way, romantically or sexually involved with her new manager, he was under the assumption that everything would be far easier if the kid wasn’t around. plenty of sabotage, y’know? (can we guess who he’s an expy of?) the fact that she was involved with a tmz reporter (expy of who?) didn’t help, either.

eventually, they were like “aight binch we’ve had enough” and decided it was in everyone’s best interest that the kid go live with brock, full time.

ok, so now she had: her new manager whom she and the nanny were wary of, that tmz reporter who, if she was being realistic, would probably milk her for all she was worth if they broke up, and the nanny... but not even really her, what considering she didn’t need her anymore.

so, one day, she was like, “bye bye, birdie!”

birdie being her.

but birdie didn’t go bye bye, what a relief. the one good thing her new manager ever did – redemption.

but, i’m original, she was placed under a 5150 hold.

after one other incident, this time not exactly ‘bye bye, birdie-ing’, but close enough, everyone was like “ok wtf bitch.”

i feel like it should be known that the fact that it wasn’t just about a Boy or even her kid was ignored. there were many forms of therapy involved, some controversial. like,, we ain’t playin around,, we ain’t blamin boys,, it ain’t 1940.

in may of 2011, she was placed under a conservatorship.

so, if you’ve stuck with me this far, you’ve probably totally forgotten about her siblings. you know what happened to her dad, you know what happened to her mom, but what about her siblings?

one of them, her sister, almost signed to a label... until she was like “o shit.”

her brother was still a normal guy who wound up being the conservator of both the person and the estate. a good ol’ boy.

they’re dumb. in september of 2010, ‘womanizer’ came out as a single; october, ‘circus’; november, ‘if u seek amy’; december, the full ‘circus’ album. great comeback album, but........ super quick back into the spotlight.

i feel like that makes it seem like i’m going to start describing more events that took place after. nothing super dramatic did. there were a lot of questions, though. there was one (1) documentary in which no question was off limits (huh, wonder what that’s an expy of?), but, after that, B L A C K L I S T.

also, i feel as though i should specify: it’s pretty hard to?? not know when a huge celebrity has been placed under a conservatorship?? like y’all we know amanda bynes was and she wasn’t even a b-lister anymore. so!! that being in the ‘rumor’ section is more because it: 1) covers all the controversial parts without being specific bc we don’t want... anyone perusing the main to be like “wow chill”, 2) would probs have been forgotten by many by now?? so it’d be like a “o ya i forgot she was under a conservatorship!!” type thing.

2011 - PRESENT

after all of the Events, it was both in her best interest and in her worst interest to stay out of the spotlight. best interest so everyone would see she’s normal again!; worst interest because... the media was one of the dominoes in the effect??

so, up until 2013, when the next album was released, things were pretty quiet. during promotion in 2013, there’d been arguably enough time to collect everything and go back out and act n o r m a l .

as i said, i wanted to include the fact that ‘blackout’ was inducted into the rock ‘n’ roll hall of fame for its effect on the mainstream (essentially made dark pop mainstream and acceptable). it’s what it DESERVES.

in 2012, after proving herself to not be Bad, she was granted visitation rights. i haven’t mentioned it much because it... wasn’t in my original intro so it... felt weird... but!! she 110% utilizes those.

i’m looking to move some things involving this, her ex-husband, etc., etc., etc. forward eventually, but i feel like i need to get some plots in here that’d help that move forward first, ja feel?? because if i just start writing self-paras out of nowhere about this topic then..... i feel like..... that would make no sense.

by the way, i want everyone to know that she never put out the equivalent of ‘britney jean’. we do not fuck with that album. she put out two songs from it, but we’re saying they were released as singles. WE DON’T FUCK WITH THAT ALBUM.

it has its cute bops but the production isn’t the best, anything where she’s with will.i.am never ends up the best, and... it’s not... all her.

i’m looking for this one tweet that says “britney when her team tells her she has to do more than one take for britney jean” then has the video where the woman says “well let’s just try this again, you bunch of bastards!”

everything else has been effectively released, though. still debating ooh la la. tbh it’s a bop but...............

anyway, is still under the conservatorship of her brother. DEFINITELY has a new manager who was... actually her old manager, same with her team – new team that was... actually her old team.

PERSONALITY

has grown a bit more like she Was by now. she’s still def like,, not 110% there anymore,, nor will she ever be?? still much more reserved and uncomfortable in public than she used to be??

not super bright. not super dull, either. for the most part, she’s very much about the surface. although she often understands the ‘deeper meaning’ of some things, she ain’t gonna act like it’s some profound thing when, really: “the concept for the music video ‘circus’ is basically about, y’know, a circus.”

she’s nice, she’s nice. most of my replies involve her being nice. girlfriend down to bite if she gotta, though, but will she do it first?? she ain’t about that.

asdfghjkl i still dk how common playback use is for her yet. if i’m gonna make her an expy and full-on admit it, she’s gotta have some involved, but......... idk how much........ it would. depend on the performance for sure.

do you beliiiieeeeveeeee in liiiiiifeeee afterrrr looovvvveeee???? she still dks for sure. some of her connections have to do with that (speaking of, i need to update them), and t hose connectio ns are, for the most part, reserved for characters 28+

tbh exceptions could be made for female/nb characters?? idk why but i could?? see that more than for males??

speaking of, she’s bisexual. she’s not super outspoken like “I’M BI!!!!!” about her sexuality, but like?? it’s there?? it exists. ain’t a secret.

tbh she’s been around for a while so i’m trying to think of other things i’ve noticed about her over time but i?? am drawing a blank. n e way, that’s what i got!!

“however long it’s been around probably” aka “we don’t know how long viral gossip’s been around so if it’s been around for fifteen whole years then that’s how long if it’s been around for seven then that’s how long” etc, etc, etc

listen y’all i joined the first day so we were super unclear ok.

tl;dr: almost a carbon copy.

i’m gonna treat this like a normal intro post so:

like this or hmu if u want 2 plot !!

i have a wc page here which’ll probs be updated with more ideas later tonight, but i’m up 2 brainstorm or wha te ver.

also, to old members: if we’ve already plotted: like this for moral support pls.

#viral:intro #take a shot every time i write 'that being said'#or 'expy'#the mona in me jumped out.#compare and contrast the details in this w/ the details in my og intro post it's. incredible.#also for talia's sake i changed jett's name rip.

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