#MY KID ANATOMY AINT THAT BAD | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

ganondoodle · 2 years ago

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i keep seeing it around so while i havent gotten all shrines myself yet (bc i havent felt motivated to play atm) im absolutely sure that weird armor is supposed to be the hero from the tapestry and its supposed to be a mix of hylians and zonau .. i guess its confirmed then that rauru and sonia had kids, somehwere off screen in the background dw they couldnt be important to anything lmao, and that the ancient hero was half zonau (shouldnt it be the princess tho- or cant we have a weird looking zelda ..?) and i

i know i have annoying opinions about this game to hell and back and i might be the only one who keeps finding things to be annoying about but-

the ancient hero being yet again connected to the zonau just ... ugh, i dont like it; not just bc its a very lackluster reveal to a neat mystery that in my eyes didnt need solving (it was cool to theorize about it being ganondorf but that aint possible now that we know what happens in totk...) but it makes it all feel even more like ... an after thought? like, you got the old tapestry from that time still and while a lot of history was lost (or destroyed really) about the ancient shiekah .. why would the zonau be just completely forgotten when theres living evidence and people descended from them still there back in those ancient shiekah days and you are telling me know one knew they actually existed? and how did their genetics get compeltely wiped out like that? since sonia mentions that our zelda has both time and light magic it kinda directly implies one of her ancestors must have been one of those half zonaus

like yeah 10 000 years is a long ass time and if you keep mixing it with hylian genes it will end up pretty unrecognizable, but that still just kinda ... there must have been many weird middle stages of that, and no one thoguht to mention the strange looking hylians, however many there were? ESPECIALLY considering it must have been the royal family but then why did the princess on the tapestry look like her perfect princessy self and the hero whos more often than not unrelated to them was one of the half zonau? did sonia have more family that took over the ruling instead of her kids and the royal family was without zonau genes for the longest time until it somehow intermingled at some point before botw? how boring is it to have that be a thing and then not let a single feature of them survive? no tiny horns? no slightly strange anatomy? no a little toooo big ears? not even skin color? (ironically ganondorf skintone is the closest to the zonau lmao)

my questions really dont need answering im just throwing my brain farts onto this website bc i wont be hunted for sport here and can actually write it all out in one post; i really feels like they saw any mystery as something they could cram zonau stuff into when it was really just a neat thing added in botw to make the world feel more believable, yeah any old world with such a long history would have some mysteries that can never get solved, some ancient remains that are remnants of a time long past and forgotten, the fact that you cannot go back in time to ask is such a big part of what makes a good mystery so interesting, that longing for knowledge you can never obtain- and they answered it all in the most boring way possible, yeah look im gonna show you the last two of them in very much enclosed and non recognozable environments and tell you about how who it was and they had everything, invented everythign and were the bestest and coolest and have been everywhere before you, theres nothing they havent done before you did, but also they just all died out for unknown reasons and never bother to tell you anything that isnt look how bad the bad guy is we were too dumb to stop despite you literally talking to the last of them and running around with them in a robot next to you

like i get im bad at words so im probably not gonna get my point across but its just so ... unsatisfying, every mystery from botw being solved by just ... yo it was the cool zonau guys, every single time is so ... way to make me care less about this world that i cared so much about

dont get me wrong i loved theorizing about who they were and all the unsolved stuff but thats exactly my point, its fun to think about the possibilities knowing and not even wanting anything confirmed to be a certain way bc its more fun to think about the what ifs than get told thats how it was

all the questions that remain are really just .. logical questions that either dont have an answer that makes it work or just make it worse, why the heck did the oh so godly zonau die out and never mention anything of it, if they really came from the sky originally why is so much of their culture inspired by underground stuff (light seeds/ferns- construct design beign inspired by gigama), why did no one every bother to mention the weird half zonau people in all the ancient texts, how did all that stuff get lost so badly when no one campaigned to destroy their memory and descdendants of them still ran around, whats with all the continutiy problems to botw-

its the unfun kind of plotholes that really make this game much less fun to me, despite gameplay and music being so good

i guess this game hit my limit of their gameplay over story ways

got visually spoiled on the literally last thing i was still actively missing and working towards in totk but i dont think im gonna like it anyway ...

if it is what i think it is, and what it looks like to be, its just yet another nail in the coffin (or however you say that) as to why the lore sucks in this game even tho it had such good setup and so much potential

#ganondoodles talks #ganondoodles rants #that tag makes more sense #totk spoilers #at this point i have accepted that totk is a zelda game i do not like and will mostly try to ignore #but it still hurts having cared so much about botw #and everyone else talking only about that new one for years to come in utter adoration #feels like there are like 3 other people in my bubble that dare critize totks story and lore #i did lower my expectations for this game and prepared everything i loved be trampelt over but SOMEHOW it did it in a way i did not expect #ww and botw are my two favs #getting a sequel to botw was so so exciting with how much potential the first one had and setup #and then all of it to be discarded in the way it did just to make room for more boring stuff and have all mystery be just ..that too #well ... there are things that even the greatest msuic and ganondorf cant save #im sorry baby ;__;#it all would have been a nigh non problem if you didnt call it a sequel ...#anyway im gonna ignore pretty much everything about totk except for gan- the music-the yiga and some tiny design elements #and i will rant less i promise #but the pain of disappointment and lost potential will take a while to fade .. if it ever will #look this took me an hours to write and got longer than i thoguht ... again #wait also the only thing i care about featuring rauru is him getting shipped with ganondorf like bitter exes #that alone gives the game more nuance than nintendo even knows what to do with lmao

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mceproductions · 2 years ago

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Better Late Than Never (2022 Countdown Recap)

Hi, never did this 2 weeks ago but here are the countdown results.

Best of 2022

Movies

1. Everything Everywhere All At Once

2. Top Gun: Maverick

3. Nope

4. The Batman

5. Black Panther: Wakanda Forever

6. Avatar: The Way of Water

7. The Bobs Burgers Movie and Sonic the Hedgehog 2

8. Black Adam and Turning Red

9. Elvis

10. Jurassic World Dominion

11. Uncharted and The Woman King

12. Jackass Forever

13. Scream

14. Thor Love and Thunder and Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness

15. Marry Me

Runners Up:

Lightyear

The Bad Guys

Fantastic Beasts: The Secrets of Dumbledore

Chip & Dale Rescue Rangers

Weird: The Al Yankovic Story

Worst

1. Morbius

2. Firestarter

3. Pinocchio

Honorable Mention:

RRR

TV Shows

Best New Show Nominee* Winner ^

1. The Orville (Hulu)

2. Stranger Things (Netflix)

3. Yellowstone (Paramount TV)

4. Better Call Saul (AMC)

5. The Late Show with Stephen Colbert (CBS)

6. My Hero Academia (ADULT SWIM)

7. Attack on Titan (ADULT SWIM)

8. SNL (NBC)

9. Abbott Elementary (ABC)^

10. House of the Dragon (HBO)*

11. Late Night with Seth Meyers (NBC)

12. Last Week Tonight with John Oliver (HBO) and The Boys (Amazon Prime)

13. Spy X Family (Crunchyroll)* and The Daily Show (Comedy Central)

14. The Good Doctor (ABC) and Real Time with Bill Maher (HBO)

15. Obi-Wan Kenobi (Disney+)

16. Moon Knight (Disney+)

17. 1883 (Paramount+)

18. RWBY: Ice Queendom (Crunchyroll/Rooster Teeth)

19. Peacemaker (HBO MAX)*

20. The Simpsons (FOX)

21. Bridgerton (Netflix)

22. LOTR The Rings of Power (Amazon Prime)

23. Arthur (PBS) and Andor (Disney+)*

24. Star Wars: Tales of the Jedi (Disney+)

25. Young Sheldon (CBS)

Runners Up:

Hawkeye (Disney+)

The Book of Boba Fett (Disney+)

Lycoris Recoil (Crunchyroll)

Halo (Paramount+)

Grey’s Anatomy (ABC)

Honorable Mention: South Park (Comedy Central)

Worst:

1. And Just Like That… (HBO MAX)

2. Fairview (Comedy Central)

3. Housing Complex C (ADULT SWIM)

Music

1. Encanto Cast “We Don’t Talk About Bruno”

2. JungKook “Dreamers”

3. Gen Hoshino “Comedy”

4. Lady Gaga “Hold My Hand”

5. Rihanna “Lift Me Up”

6. Harry Styles “As It Was”

7. Kate Bush “Running Up That Hill”

8. Ed Sheeran “Celestial”

9. Taylor Swift “Anti-Hero”

10. Kylie McNeil and Millennium Parade “U”

11. Lizzo “About Damn Time” and The Weeknd “Nothing Is Lost (You Give Me Strength)”

12. Sim “The Rumbling”

13. Weird Al Yankovic “Now You Know”

14. OneRepublic “I Aint Worried”

15. Jennifer Lopez and Maluma “Marry Me”

16. Porter Robinson “Everything Goes On”

17. Shawn Mendes “Top of The World”

18. Beyonce “Break My Soul”

19. Bobs Burgers Cast “Sunny Side Up Summer”

20. Adam Pascal, Ty Taylor, Rory Donavan, Derek Klena and Rogers The Musical Cast “Save The City (I Can Do This All Day)”

21. Elton John And Britney Spears “Hold Me Closer”

22. Ed Sheeran “Shivers”

23. Void_Chords “Beyond Selves”

24. Kevin Bacon and Old 97’s “Here It Is Christmastime”

25. BTS “Yet To Come”

26. The Weeknd “Out of Time”

27. Jack Harlow “First Class”

28. Charlie Puth “Left and Right”

29. Coldplay and Selena Gomez “Let Somebody Go”

30. Charli XCX “Beg for You”

Runners Up:

Jennifer Lopez “On My Way”

Son Lux and Randy Newman “Now Were Cooking”

JIN “The Astronaut”

Tems “No Woman No Cry”

Jessica Darrow “Surface Pressure”

Honorable Mention:

Tommee Profit And Fleurie “Chasing Cars”

Worst

1. RuPaul “Smile”

2. Post Malone “Chip & Dale Rescue Rangers Theme Song”

3. Kid Rock “We the People”

Game of The Year

Nominee* Winner^

Elden Ring^

God of War: Ragnarok*

Lego Star Wars: The Skywalker Saga*

Pokemon Legends: Arceus*

Horizon Forbidden West*

Worst

Crossfirex

#year in review #best of 2022 #final results #movies #tv shows #music #game of the year

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frosted-night · 4 years ago

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Jack Frost Designs Review

Yes it’s finally his time. This is going to include his book designs including previous incarnations in said books. There are more movie concept designs than book so, let’s dig in shall we?

This was in fact the first ever Jack Joyce designed while he came up with The Guardians Of Childhood. He even comes with his own backstory! (Which was cut. Sorry Joyce posts walls of text so it’s a girthy read.)

So instead of a young mischievous trickster, we got a much more depressing story of Jack. (Jack by default is sad obviously) but this one... It kind of hits differently and almost reminds me of the story he crafted for Pitch. A dad who tried to defend his family but through tragic events was ripped from them and changed completely. Design wise, he’s a lot more tree than snow. There doesn’t exist a colored version of this so we’ll never know if he sported winter and dull dead leaf colors rather than grassy greens.This Jack has a weird presence to him, I can’t put my finger on it. Rating: 6/10 He’s really neat! Just a little too Autumn feeling rather than a blend of both Autumn and Winter.

Nightlight feels like the baby evolution if Jack was a pokemon and that's what I’m gonna stick with. Below is a more recent version of him colored.

In all honesty that one is easier on the eyes proportion wise because sometimes Joyce has ‘interesting’ anatomy choices but we aint going into that today. It’s interesting how his hair somehow looks shorter and longer than Jack’s at the same time. Could be because the longer strands float seamlessly but star boy hair physics what can ya do. It’s a little hard to tell what is his skin and what is his armor, so that is a casuality in making a character only have one or two colors in their color scheme. I love other artist’s depictions of Nightlight but the canon one feels a little weak color wise. Rating: 5/10 Sorry, get some better LEDs and then come back.

Here we have a book Jack but I can’t entirely recall if this was used in the books or not. I digress. This design looks like him still wearing very Nightlight-esque armor/clothing and slowly growing into his new persona as Jack Frost. The intricacies are hard to make out but we’ll work with it. This one is very interesting to me because he very much looks like an older teen close to young adult. His hair looks very fluffy too. Not many complaints about this one but not much praise either.

Rating: 6/10 Not great but doesn’t stand out that much.

Remember when I said Joyce had ‘interesting’ anatomy decisions? Jack looks like he has half a head here and it bothers me GREATLY. This is the adult Jack design he went with. Supposedly he likes the opera and he sure looks it. This! Exists!! Kind of wish it didn’t. The outfit is nice but it just doesn’t fit Jack as a whole. This just screams to me that it’s someone else with a similar-ish hairstyle.

Rating: 3/10 Guess he’d be the...Phantom Of The Opera. (I’ll go home and so should he.)

And finally the final Jack. This is the one that almost exactly resembles the Jack we got in the movies(Probably because it was made after the movie but w/e) but just add a cape on him. I can’t really tell if hes got a hoodie and a cape, or just a cloak+hood on top of a sweatshirt. It isn’t too important because my thoughts on this one are obvious. Rating: 10/10 Edna Mode would have a field day with you boy.

MOVIE DESIGN TIME

Joyce claims this is a design he drafted when Leonardo DiCaprio was considered to voice Jack and I can kind of see that with how his face is drawn here. This Jack looks a lot more like a warrior and less of that trickster look. I can’t say I’m a fan of the weird antenna his hood has but his sword is really cool looking.

Rating: 4/10 Nice bow and sword but it can’t save your fashion choices.

This looks like a lanky 11-13 year old who would put rocks or slugs in my shoes and relish in my disgust. He has the exact look of a snot nose kid and I’m unsure how to feel about it.

His various hairstyles drafted here sort of make him softer looking or just more of a snot nose, no in between. Maybe even an Anime Protagonist.

The top right one almost looks like Hiccup from How To Train Your Dragon if you squint. It’ll be a little hard to rate them all as one individual but why not.

Rating: 5/10 I don’t hate them but they aren’t my cup of tea.

AH- IS THAT A FUCKIN GREMLIN?

Oh wait no it isn’t he looks like a 10 year old. Whatever don’t feed him after midnight. The staff’s design of not being shaped like a G is an interesting tidbit but the whole design looks like he’s really young or like a troll etc. This Jack looks like he thinks girls have cooties uses outdated slang.

Rating: 4/10 This is me being generous.

It honestly looks like he hiked his pants up all the way to his chest. A late teen with horrid fashion choices once again. Not many other thoughts here.

Rating: 2/10 Get a sweater on or something.

This is one is very interesting looking to me. His clothes looked a lot more leather based and very human-like. The tatters, tears and frays all make him look like he was a victim of an accident that never changed his clothes. It makes me wonder if this Jack had the same death as the final movie Jack or something else entirely. Either way, this one looks like hes a mid to late teen which really adds to my intrigue.

This was another image that greatly resembled the design so I included it here. It almost looks like his skin is blue here which is pretty neat to me at least. He’s also got leaf motifs here, which from the first Jack design Joyce made, we can see a pattern here.

Rating: 8 /10 I was originally weirded out by his head but now its not so bad.

This Jack is definitely dressed more like a nature boy rather than him having human influenced fashion and it’s an appealing touch. The tiny leaf sprouting from his staff is also kind of cute since the designers seemed to want to put leafs somewhere on his designs. His hairstyle is also very cute but it reminds me of Sasuke Uchiha in a sense. (Not a setback for me at least)

Rating: 7/10 13 year old Jack is going thru a phase.

I thought this Jack didn’t show up again in story boards but I was wrong!

They look a little different from each other but just similar enough to pair together, so bare with me. The first one obviously has looser pants, slightly longer sleeves and got his leaf motif going. This second Jack is a VERY green. It gives the impression that this Jack made his clothes out of plants and natural materials. Again I’m not wholly sure if greens fit his color scheme but they sure went for it for a while. I can’t say I’m a fan of it because it heavily reminds me of Peter Pan.

However a very similar looking Jack could be found in this storyboard. It doesn’t look as green as the other storyboards made it out to be and looks more like dead grass. Which is a pretty nice touch.

Rating: 5/10 I don’t hate it but it just doesn’t vibe yknow.

Speaking of a vibe...hoo this certainly has one. This Jack isn’t old but certainly doesn’t look very young, maybe in the 20-30 range, thats just me. He has facial features that remind me of Pitch but resembles the Jack Frost of Santa Clause 3

That being said, I wondered if him looking similar to Pitch was in the storyline of them being brothers.(Which was a scrapped thing, who knew.) He’s a bit more menacing in this design but certainly seems like he relishes in his work.

Rating: 4/10 I’d make it a lower score but I gotta give it props

NOW THIS JACK IS KINDA INTERESTING. This one looks like he’s 16 and going through a grunge phase. He’s gonna play Nirvana loudly and not turn it down even if you tell him too. His staff itself has mini icicles hanging off of it and leafs look stuck to his shirt. Did you glue or staple those on Jack? His hair also looks much longer than his other designs and I kind of dig it( Shut up I’m bias.) I’m not wholly sure why else this design has stuck with me but it just has something about it that I just love. I wish there was a full body drawing of it.

(He also kinda has the same hair as the Jack Frost in Runescape but I wont go on about that hoo hoo)

Rating: 9/10 *Bad Boy by Cascada plays in the distance*

This one definitely feels like middleschooler trying to be in a band. His sticks just resemble drumsticks to me what can I say. I’m a big fan of his shoes and his color scheme screams a hibernating tree in winter. His hair also looks like it’s covered in frost rather than it being wholly white, which is very neat!! He looks like he wants to fight but has slight hesitance. Overall a very balanced Jack.

Rating: 8/10 He’s ready for band practice

Not many thoughts here, I just found these tiny Jack designs cute. His hoodie being a jacket instead just adds to the charm of this one.

No talk to him he angy.

Rating: 6/10 fun sized boi

Now this Jack resembles the one earlier that dressed entirely in leather brown colors, however he clearly is different than that one. I’m gonna say it, he looks like a zombie or undead in this design and its pretty fucking gnarly. I don’t know whats going on with his hair but I’m gonna assume it’s just the wind making it look like that. He just has the vibe that he was once human but was turned into something else entirely. It isnt in uncanny territory but borders that. This version of Jack meeting Pitch and the others would have been *very* interesting. Rating: 7/10 Eat a twinkie Jack you’ll feel better.

The final design! I can’t complain much about this one. The way his staff subtly has a G shape and a hexagon(his signature shape) is a wonderful touch. Additionally, the way the frost is gathered mostly where his hand is such an intricate detail. His signature hoodie is iconic at this point so I can’t bad mouth that either.(I can’t anyway because there's no complaints from me here.) Although, I never understood the leather straps that his pants had or their functions. I couldn’t find any colonial outfits that resembled Jack’s pants so its a total mystery to me at least.

And I can’t go on about this design until I mention the snowflake pattern in his eyes

Pure beauty. It’s at a hue of blue that almost looks impossible to have, combined with the electric blue color of the snowflake in his eyes. The amount of detail in this movie amazes me to this day. Rating: One Great Blizzard <3/10

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dramaticnerdwithanxiety11 · 3 years ago

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Here have the obnoxious list of quotes of have because i think they're very neat (these come from all over the place ranging from fanfiction, to google to my own fingies)

Also it's funny that I can see with complete clarity where I started getting into new fandoms because I started collecting new quotes relating to them.

(i promise they get less angsty 😭 these are a year and a half in the works)

I've got too many tabs open in my brain, and it's too laggy to close any.

I think i'll just collapse right here, thanks!

All I wanted was for you to leave. But I didn't think you actually would..

You're just like a bomb going off right next to my head..

Why do I have to cram all of my thoughts together just to be heard?

I wish your silence didn't scare me so much..

My body looks like a poorly drawn anatomy lesson, or a bunch of mismatched pieces sewn together.

Why did I have to grow up afraid to admit i'm scared?

What a stupid way to die.

An immortal man with a death wish, how fucking ironic.

Why did we have to turn into such an ugly sight?

I can't tell you why, but it feels like something's wrong.

What would my mother think, now that she's watched her son be buried?

What would you think of me, an immortal man with a death wish?

They are the stars and the moon to my empty sky.

Dreams are like… jigsaw puzzles, assembled wrong.

Are you, or the others, crazy?

How do you paint a pretty picture when your brush is broken?

Is it only in movies that it's black and white?

Sometimes the worst place you can be in is your own head.

Alone. Because everyone will inevitably leave him.

Because I know what it's like to be afraid of your own mind.

I came face to face with a version of "me" that was nothing like myself.

The present is all we get, so we need to make it work.

We're just kids. We aren't supposed to be heroes.

It's all a bit tragic, isn't it?

She is a child that was forced to grow up.

I stopped being a kid the day you sent me down here to die.

Are monsters born, or created?

We'll never be those kids again.

Dear Death, I'm ready.

I needed a hug, but all they gave me was a box of matches and a knife.

I'm that memory you don't remember.

My mind is blessed with madness, and cursed with the knowledge that’s it’s there.

My eyes burn with unshed tears and suddenly I wish it didn't hurt so much to cry.

I don’t know what's happening but that's okay

We were thin but we were thick as thieves

I will not be another flower, picked for my beauty and left to die.

Even white roses have black shadows.

To plant a garden, is to believe in tomorrow.

In an endless garden of Flowers I will always pick You.

My Garden of Roses is wilting, because i spent too much time watering yours..

If i had a flower for every time i thought of you, i could walk through my garden forever.

Are you sure it isn't the Thorns that have Roses..?

Laughter after Tears is is the human equivalent of a Rainbow

I THINK I'M OLD ENOUGH TO KNOW I AINT SHIT.

I heard everything. It was just easier to pretend I didn't.

Remember how bright our first days were?

I miss not knowing who you were, because at least you couldn't hurt me so much without more than a word.

I'm dying slow and I can't stop it.

I really am my fathers child, aren't I?

If I dont go to hell when I die i might go heaven- but probably not.

If this is how you folks make art, it's fucking depressing.

I'm sorry mom and dad, I know I fucked up bad. I should've done better.

You entered the circus, boy, now play like the clowns.

The intimacy of being understood

However fair is for fools, take them away!

Life is a party and I'm starting to think I'm the piñata

I can't telling if I'm dying or not, all I know is I can't breathe.

Sometimes the shortest stick is the sharpest.

You don't hate me because i'm crazy, you hate me because i'm right.

I might be the writer, but you will always be the words.

I'm sending an old friend good luck, through a wishing well of magic.

Karma's probably fake, unless you meet someone who Really believes in it, cause they'll make it happen.

Does it count as being after dark, if the streetlights are on and nobody is looking for you?

Memory lane is not a Well-Mainted Public Road, it's a backroad lined with burning trees.

Sometimes you have to become a monster to stay human

"To be fair I have no intentions of murdering someone then popping a cyanide pill to escape the consequences,"

"You don't pump blood, I would know, I've had my hands in your heart before. Also, you're a terrible liar,"

Just killed a woman, feelin good~

"Fashionless wonder? He won't be saying that when I throttle him with my bowtie.."

"Handfull of BEES?"

"3am is the bitching hour, prove me wrong,"

"He's perfect, we made a baby!" "Team effort," "Go team!"

"Welcome to fucking Applebees do you want the apples or bees?" "Bees..?" "THEY HAVE SELECTED THE BEES!"

Welcome to the nightmare inside my head~

The point is; Frogs are bitches and ~we~ do not associate with terrorists

I'M STILL HEADING DOWNHILL, BUT I FOUND A HORSE IN THE SAME PREDICAMENT. SO LIKE, COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS

Characters are their own beings. I just write up their incident reports.

"Don't go chasing waterfalls. Stick to the rivers and the lakes that you're used to,"

"Drop dead," "Low blow..."

"I would like to apologize... that you, are depriving some village of their IDIOT!"

"Dad, could you stop playing tennis with hitler for just a moment and, yaknow, take a quick call?"

There's a hole in your soul [and something is trying to get out]

I'm exhausted and filled with a longing I don't know how to control.

Longing floods out of me like blood, and I truly haven't learned to properly staunch my wounds.

You're the Hyde to my Jekyll, the Chaos to my Calm. The Hate to my Love, the Lost to my Longing.

I've split myself so far down the middle I'm truly not sure where I end and where I begin.

Sometimes I wonder if joking about not having a soul was ever truly a joke.

I will force feed you a vial of impure salts and then watch as you writhe. Don't test me, kid.

There's something strange, there's something wrong. I see a change, it's like when love dies...

God knows; I am careless; this is the true hour of my death, and what is to follow concerns another than myself.

'If he be Mr. Hyde,' Utterson had thought, 'Then I'll shall be Mr. Seek.'

#quotes #status quotes #quote list #long post

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punishandenslavesuckers · 5 years ago

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(For the fic summary post) In lieu of Fjord's confessions to the group in ep 72, a fic following Fjord as he studies and views Caduceus as an inspiration and those feelings as an almost idolization and protectiveness is a concept sitting in the back of my mind since that stream

AO3 Link: HERE

So there’s a bit of protectiveness that naturally generates among their group when Caduceus joins up.

Not a surprise. There’s a few reasonable reasons for it.

A: because Caddy has (if possible) less practical experience than Jester (a literal shut in). B: He’s a cleric and you guard your clerics because they’re the vicious beating heart of a combat unit’s anatomy. C: Molly is fucking dead.

It goes without saying because saying it would be awful, but Caduceus is very literally filling a void left by a violent death in the party and there’s no getting around the associations that come with that. The times that Fjord has accidentally called Caduceus ‘Molly’ out loud: 1 time. The times he’s started to call Caduceus ‘Molly’ and stopped himself: a fucking lot. Honestly, just, an embarrassing amount of times and Fjord would rather not too closely examine why it’s taking him so long to get it right.

“Fjord.”

“Hmm?”

It’s the middle of the night (or whatever passes for night in a city that sees no sunrise) and the interior of their Xhorhasian home is gently lit by the fire-fly glow of magical string lights and the flicker of interior lanterns. Fjord’s been sitting in the main common area, contemplating the falchion blade where he’s laid it on the table so he can stare at its golden gleam in detail and ponder the pieces of the Summer Dance rapier subsumed by the living sword. An echo of Mollymauk’s weapon still in the blade.

Beauregard climbs over the back of a chair and takes a crouched position next to him with her knees drawn up like a monk-ish gargoyle. She glances furtively across the room, then takes an overly casual posture with one elbow on the table to appear casual, but just ends up looking odd half scrunched in her seat but leaning her weight wrongly. She commits tp it though, eyeing him.

“What’s up?”

“Why… why’re you sittin’ like that?”

“I – what?” Beau self-consciously sits up, adjusts her hair, and pats her ribs down for some reason. “I don’t know what –” She shakes it off, annoyed, and yanks the chair around so she can sit backwards straddling it and facing him. “Fuck it. You’re staring at Caduceus. What’s up?”

Fjord blinks. “I wasn’t starin’ at Caduceus.”

“Are you wondering if his face is, like, velvety?” Beau lowers her voice in a conspiratorial way. “Because I’ve totally wondered that. Answer: Yes. Totally. He’s, like, slightly fuzzy all over. I dunno. I think it’s a firbolg thing.”

“What? No.”

He has, in fact, wondered precisely that.

“Well, okay, then that means you’re just staring at him. Unless you were zoning out and he was just, like, there. I’ve done that. Been there.” She nods. “Had to run from the city guard. It happens.”

“Beau, not to be rude or nothin’, but I wasn’t staring at Deuces. I was just thinkin’.”

Caduceus is on the other side of the room sitting with Jester who’s showing him something in one of her sketchbooks. The long blue length of her tail lashes around, flipping back and forth while she gestures grandly at what might just be a collection of smutty looking scribbles from one of Caleb’s smutty history novels or whatever. Cad looks politely baffled.

“I dunno, thought you might be…” Beau pauses as thought to reassess her commentary. “Look, a lot of other shit has gone down recently, but back in the City of Beasts, Cad went down. Like, for real. If jester hadn’t had that diamond…”

Fjord feels a slow tension crawl through him from his belly outward, recalling. “Yeah, that certainly did happen. Uh-huh.”

“Caduceus almost dies a lot and it kinda bugs me since, like, we kinda asked him out there with us after Molly died. Does that bother you? Cuz it kinda bothers—”

“Yeah, it fuckin’ bothers me.”

Beau looks at him. Dammit, that maybe came out a bit quick. Fjord by the nature of his innate half-orcish complexion cannot actually blush, but he feels his face get hot all at once and clears his throat while Beau’s eyes narrow. For all that she’s bad at talking to people, she’s pretty decent at reading them from time to time, not that he’s 100% certain himself what she might perceive.

“You worried about losing him?” Fjord rejoins.

“I was standing right there when Molly died.”

There’s a moment of silence. Beau is staring at the table now, but isn’t seeing it. It’s the first time in – what? – how many months since Mollymauk took his last breath that she’s actually said anything beyond the most basic and brutal facts about it. She drums her fingers on the table after a second of quiet and goes on.

“Yeah, I just don’t want to do that again, you know?”

“Hey, I’m not gonna let anything happen to Caduceus.” A pause. He clears his throat. “Uh, none of us are gonna let anything happen. I think he’s got some big stuff he’s supposed to do, you know?”

Beau nods. ��He doesn’t freak you out anymore, Fjord?”

“Freak me out? He never freaked me out.”

“Coulda fooled me the way you kept grimacing every time he, you know, is Caduceus and does something eerie as hell and a little morbid. Because, like, he does that. A lot.”

“Well, sure, at first. But I guess I’m used to it now.”

“Yeah.”

“And it’s kinda nice having someone in the group who seems to have confidence in where he’s going and what he’s doing.”

“Right? He’s so, like, sure.”

“I don’t know if sure is the right word,” Fjord says, shaking his head. “He definitely doesn’t know what’s going to happen next. And the stuff we do scares the hell outta him sometimes. But he just… I dunno. He fuckin’ abides. Bad shit happens and he just… has something else to lean on and he doesn’t know if that something is gonna let him die or keep him alive, but he’d be… fine with it. Does that make sense?”

Beau blinks. “That sounds like a thought that didn’t happen over the course of a short conversation there, Fjord.”

Shit. Fjord feels heat spread through his face but shrugs to hide it.

“He just ain’t scared of the same shit I am, I guess.”

Beau tilts her head. “What’re you scared of?”

Shiiiiiit. Why the hell did he say that?

“Nothing specific. Just saying. Different views on the world and all.”

Beau squints at Fjord. Fjord maintains his casual demeanor with the professional control of a man for whom deception has come as second nature for about half a year now in the company of friends. He puts a real effort into appearing casual, lest Beauregard somehow glean from the angle of his eyebrows the constant underlying current of gut-clenching fear that’s begun to grip him every night.

The nightmares coming faster now and more confusing – the oceans, darkness, Avantika’s laugh interrupted by the crack of her neck breaking, and the sensation that someone touched him while he was asleep. He wakes up certain there’s a rope around his neck or a hand over his mouth, fingers on his tongue, a fist around his throat and bone-crushing sinew wrapped around his wrists, his knees, his chest and dragging him down, down, down fathoms deep until the crush of darkness is so deep he just –

“So Caduceus is hot, right?” says Beau.

Fjord sputters. “What?”

“I’m kidding! Yeesh! Calm down, team leader, or you got that whole ‘doth protest to much’ thing going on.” Beau gets up, grabbing a sitting pitcher of water from the table. “Just saying, you’re staring.”

“I am not staring.”

“Whatever, man. If you want a sweet pink undercut, I’ll bet he’d tell you how to get one.”

“That aint remotely it.”

“I know,” says Beau, looking at him.

She waits.

Fjord isn’t sure why, in that moment, with her staring at him, the random impulse to just tell her comes to him. He almost opens his mouth and forgets Vandren, almost swallows that voice like a pill he’s held under his tongue all this time. But the moment passes even as the pale blue curiosity of Beauregard’s stare holds steady and in the wake of that feeling of almost release, he feels tired.

Fjord sighs. “The truth?”

“Or whatever you feel like telling me. No pressure. You just… seem to be thinking is all.”

“I was thinking that his goddess, Melora, seems pretty cool.”

Beau blinks, visibly surprised.

“Oh, yeah, I guess so.” She grins. “Any goddess that says ‘get high and pray to me’ is pretty cool.”

Fjord glances at Caduceus who’s sitting cross-legged on the floor with their other cleric.

Jester appears to be showing him lewd diagrams, which he’s regarding with the same academic mien that one might regard anatomical drawings of flora. Fjord can’t begin to understand the compound flush of fondness and jealousy that takes hold of him looking at Caduceus; the fact that the closest thing he’s felt to that was when he first met Avantika – this confusion of response.

He realizes now that his impulse toward Avantika was certainly desperate self-defense and attraction, sure, but having more time to study a similar feeling now, Fjord thinks he got it wrong. He didn’t want to possess the person he was looking at or be possessed by them. Looking back now, he wanted to just be her.

He wanted to inhabit the body of someone who knew what the fuck they were after so badly it felt like arousal. So he doesn’t know what to do with the fact that, lately, when he looks at Caduceus he feels the same unformed impulse to occupy the same damn space as him.

The waking fantasy where he crosses the room, ignores the disinterested academic look Caduceus levels at anything suggestive, and finds out exactly what it would feel like – sliding your fingers into unkempt mane of pink, gripping hold, and pressing your mouth against his. Tasting his tongue, feeling that strange and intimate vibration in his throat when he tries to talk through a kiss so you can just swallow that sound.

Fjord doesn’t know what to do with the notion that doing so would tantamount to worship – or blasphemy – but he knows that the impulse is taking root inside him. Sure as a notion to touch something he shouldn’t just to know the feeling of it. He doesn’t know what to do with this raw, ugly ideation.

So Fjord just grins back at Beau.

“I mean, I sure wouldn’t mind that,” he says.

#critical role #fjord #caduceus clay #cr2 #the mighty nein #crfic #fjord is a confused warlock idiot #with a crush #and alot of problems #rae writes #raewrites

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abby--anderson · 5 years ago

Note

❤️ meow ;w;

Mutuals send me a ❤️ & I'll compliment you.

sit down and listen, kids, this is gonna be long!!!!!!!!!!! or not in case u gotta like, pay attention in class or smth,

ur art!! oh man, fuck, where do i start. you've come a long long way, i remember the first drawings u showed me and when i look back im like?? losing my mind?? over how MUCH u improved since then in terms of anatomy and coloring and backgrounds and literally????! everything? wow. 12/10

ur w r i T i N G.... such inspiration... such muse.... its the thing about u i fell in love with before i fell in love with u all those years ago!!!! made me feel so many things and all of them good, you really know how to build tension and give it A Style i aint seen anywhere else. please never stop sharing it.

u? u wonderful bean? the crunch of snow under boots in the winter, the breeze of spring and warmth of a nice summer evening? crispy leafs on the ground in all colors? youre an angel. i love you so much, ur humor and how u sound when you laugh or giggle, how excited you can get over things you love and are passionate about. idk man, im bad with words but u bring out the best of them

#answered #arya.docx #cris 🐁

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thenixkat · 5 years ago

Text

Animorphs notes: Megamorphs 2

Megamorphs 2

Marco 1

Saw something on the news and mentioned it to the others leading to everyone in a storm trying to breathe in dolphin morph

Of course its not like sharks need to breath air and might be better in some cases

Marco uses humor to cope

Rainy day

So why are the animorphs getting involved with a sunken nuclear sub?

Marco wants to go out of his way to save people again.

Him and Rachel are like the most likely on the team to become superheros

Or they could put their stuff in a bag and bury it on the beach instead of putting things in the trash?

How exactly do these guys plan on rescuing people?

Cassie 1

Everybody morphs dolphin

They find the sub

Jake 1

Ah yes the plan to kidnap an officer. Totally would have no negative reprocussions

Can’t just act in a weird and obvious manner to direct people to the sub

Sometimes dolphins help people, sometimes dolphins kill people. Its a rulette game as to whichever a dolphin is more interested in at the moment

The writter makes a comment on war and nukes

A nuke goes off and instead of being vaporised by the light the kids get transported through time and space for some reason

Rachel 1

One of these days a kid is gonna get trapped in morph when they’re uncoincious

Cassie’s the only one who had any injuries from the fucking nuke going off

Why is there a volcano over there? There shouldn’t be volcanoes where they are

Rachel watches the Magic Schoolbus

That’s not how plesiosaurs work and you could never mistake them for a whale even with sonar

Ax is smug about those not being whales

Tobias 1

Why the hell are fucking plesiosaurs intered in them in the first place?

Tobias got vored by something big enough to swallow a 10ft at least dolphin whole

This is causing me pain

Rachel got vored by something that can fit 2 ten or so foot dolphins inside its stomach

Looked it up and yeah no, plesiosaurs were def known to not have flexible necks by the time this was written

No that can’t be an ichthyosaur b/c they’re gone by this point in the Cretaceous and the on ly ones that big were likely FILTER FUCKING FEEDERS

Random ass gulper eel dolphin sea monster

Rachel decides that morphing is the best idea in the stomach

Tobias morphs too

Jake 2

Ax doesnt get to have a turn yet what a surprise

Cassie says they should try to rescue Rachel and Tobias, Jake says thats a fucking dumb idea and he’s right

Jake is pissed at people getting themselves eaten and Cassie coming up with dumb fucking idea

There should actually be some seagull like dinosaurs but I think those were discovered much later than these were written

Kids finally put 2 and 2 together and realized that they aint in Kansas anymore

They havent actually put togther the gone back in time bit yet

Jake and the writer seem to be under the impression that dolphins have no natural defenses

They are almost there in realizing what happened

Cassie 2

Still no fucking Ax narration

THESE KIDS ARE REALLY FUCKING DUMB

Sauropods did not leave elephant like foot prints. At all

Nope not figured it out yet

Cassie, you should know that whales can’t swallow whole full gown dolphins

Cassie almost gets eaten by a crocodilian and these kids still haven’t fucking figured it out

Wait a minute. Grass doesn’t exist in this time period

Also Cassie should know better. Herbivores can and will fuck you up with little provication

They finally figured it out

I see we have movie monster Tyrannosaurs

Rachel 2

Wow Ax really doesnt have any rights does he?

...that’s not how anatomy

Bears are not herder to digest than dolphins

This is hurting ,me

Tobias everything you said aside from the hadrosaurs was pure bullshit

Rachel thinks the dinosaur angle is rediculous

Tobias 2

Tobias you have a fucking hork-bajir morph you utter dumbass

Wow Tobias is bad at morphing, he can’t even get rid of his injuries

Tobias gets to be extra useless and cause Rac hel pain by haveing to perch on her

Grass doesnt exist in this time period

There was a gradual decline in the late Cretaceous of nonavien dinosaurs, the asteroid was the last nail in the coffin

T. rex was just another animal not not much more dangerous than say a lion, just bigger

Marco 2

Ax doesnt get to narrate I guess

There is no reason for the tyrannosaur to be chasing them it just made a fucking kill

They aren’t even the right size to be worth the fucking effort either

Marco almost gets eaten and is saved by Ax who papercuts the thing to death

Ax 1

Yeaaaah Ax vs Tyrannosaur should not end in victory for Ax

I flatout don’t belive this rediculousness and my suspension of disbelife died several chapters ago

Ax is fucking shook that worked

Ok good Ax was very very fucking lucky that worked and not gonna try that again

No, Ax, no that is not scientificly possible b/c theres no fucking dna in the fucking fossiles they are bone and other shit shaped rocks

When the fuck did Cassie get any survival skills? Did she decide to brush up after the Karen incident

Well we have ‘I will survive this with or without you’!Cassie today

Yall could actually morph Ax and have your own andalite tails. Or fucking morph hork-bajir

Rachel 3

Grass still doesnt exist yet

At no point did rachel think to escue some modesty and make wraps for her feet

Rachel suggests that Tobias morph human, even perminatly

He is very shit at morphing

I guess he expects that he’s got days to live as a wounded bird over anything else he could fucking morph

Rachel refuses to fucking make it known that she’s suffering

In what fucking world does that description matach a triceratops

Also deinonychus, not around at the end of the cretaceous

Deinonychus is about almost 3 ft tall at hip and a ft longer than that

Naked ass ones at that

Them going after them at least makes sense

Cassie 3

Camping and eating tyrannosaur meat

Gonna sleep in shifts

People keep forgetting that they have hork-bajir morphs which are amazing and also that they could just aquire Ax

Tobias 3

Nothing about the majority of large dromaeosaurs suggests that they’re fast. The opposite actually. Ambush predators not chasers.

Tobias and Rachel split up

Tobias and the writers forgot about wing assisted incline running and the fact that raptors can fucking climb if the have to

Tobias drops on one and aquires it

Tobias 4?

This is going with the not-dynonicus being diurnal for some reason

Tobias lost control of the morph and will probably attack Rachel

Jake 3

The rock that was the final nail for the dinos is estableshed bvery firmly\

Stampede

And a nother tyrannosaur

Jake trips and falls when it matters most

Rachel 4

Tobias is really serious about not identifying as human

Rachel tries to reach him over smashing the lead raptor

Jake 4

Jake gets vored by the tyrannosaur whole even tho it was already eating bigger more interesting prey

Jake aquires the thing and starts morphing imediately

That tyrannosaur broke its fucking tail

Everyone aquires the injured dinosaur

Marco 3

Marcos not happy and everyone misses Rachel

More travel

Ax says the flash of light that started the stampede was artifical

Did Ax just say he can see ultraviolet and infrared

They find an alien city

Tobias 5

Tobias is bitching about Rachel still being mad that he gutted her

Neither of them are healing their injuries for no good reason

Ew, Tobias gross.

Rachel has a raptor morph now

Rachel isn’t a coherent person when hrungy and tired

Why are there coconut trees? They dont exist yet

Rachel eats a not coconut

No. That is not a fucking spinosaurus. Spino is fucking African and didn’t live at the same time as T.rex

Tobias metally calls Rachel stupid

Rachel 5

This is really fucking poorly reserched

And lo an alien:

And that's when I noticed the other creature step smoothly out from the

bushes.

It walked on two legs. It was rough-textured, like it had really chapped

skin. It was reddish in color. It had two big eyes and a small mouth,

all of the same reddish-rust hue. It stood about eight feet tall. It was

carrying a weapon.

The creature gazed curiously at us with what seemed to be eyes, although

they were mere indentations in its face. From its head a pair of

antennae, flexible as whips, grew and began waving toward us.

The alien calls dibs on the dinosaurs and speaks Fucking English

The nesk

The nesk is a pile of antlike creatures

Anmd really Rachel just fucking escalate things to outright violence

Cassie 4

Cassie suggests that they just go see who the aliens are

And that Jake stay behind b/c she doesnt want to loose more people

The alien city:

We flew toward the shining city in the valley. With osprey eyes I could see much more clearly. I saw buildings that rose in steep, smooth sweeps, like they'd grown from the bedrock. Windows were stuck in odd locations, some aiming out, others more like skylights. And there were fields planted with green and arranged in neat circles instead of rows.

The aliens themselves:

As we got closer, I could see creatures of some sort. They looked a little like large - very large - crabs. Only with shells in a wild array of colors, deep blue, spring green, orange. And while on one side there was something very much like a large pincer, on the other side there was a pair of hands.

Crab people

TRhe kids are attacked by naked pterosaurs

Tobias 6

Wow its almost like starting a fight with an unknown party can go wrong

The ship:

The ground beside me exploded, like it had been ripped by an invisible

plow. I jumped. Another plow mark just behind me! I saw movement. And

there, racing toward us across the plain, was a gleaming, silver craft.

Maybe twice the size of a Bug fighter, but shaped like an elongated

pyramid, long end forward.

The nesk herd Rachel and Tobias away from their claimed territory

Ah they’re falling over the cliff of the mercora city

Jake 5

Daring mid air antics and the team is reunited

Also a force field wich is smart\

Ax is tired of having to be the info guy

At least its not a killer forcefield like the kind that yeerks use

The mercora introduce themselves

Ax 2

Ax and his andalite bullshit

More of the mercora:

There were three of the creatures. They moved upon seven legs. Four on

one side, three on the other. To make matters worse, the four

legs were larger than the three. So they scuttled sideways in the

direction of the small legs.

They stood about half the height of a tall human, and seven or eight

feet wide.

On the side with the four big legs, there was a sort of three-way pincer

claw. It looked very powerful. It looked like the sort of thing I would

not want to have to fight against.

On the other side, the weak side, there were two arms similar to my own,

but even stronger than human arms. The arms ended in long, tapered,

delicate fingers.

There were a lot of eyes. They kept opening and shutting, one or two or

three at a time. They were each hidden beneath tiny trap doors in the

Mercora's exoskeleton or shell. Eyes were forever appearing and

disappearing. It was very, very distracting.

Which is a cool design

They talk in thought speak

Just b/c humans in the future don’t know about the mercora doesnt mean they left or were destroy you dumb fucks

Marco 4

The mercora healed Tobias, gave everyone food, a place to stay and even offered to make them soem clothes

The crabs wear clothing or at least make it

And they have force field furniture

Also that’s not how broccli works

Marco makes a vore joke about the mecora

Really Cassie?

The mercora are herbivores

All you have is the mecoras’ word on that and they are in direct conflict with the nesk

And so what if they’re scavengers?

Very rarely but sometimes Cassie has a valid point

Ax 3

Ax is still kinda specist

Hmm I wonder why the mercora aprove? Its not like they can have an alterior motive here

And the mercora are going to help

Ax is very lonely in genera;

Cassie 5

The writers are fucking awesomebros

And they can’t control the morphs

Cassie gets wounded by a ceratopsian

Jake 6

What? We were just with Cassie oh forget it

Jake is suicidally confidant that Cassie wouldn’t eat him

Apparently Jake is right

Cassie freaks out

Ax 3

Tobias keeps being wrong.

The nesk have thought speak detectors

Tobias 7

They group steal an explosive and destroy the nesk ships

Rachel 6

The nesk retaliate very effectively

Ax calls for back up

TRachel throws herself around to draw away fire from the others

The mercora attempt a rescue and loose a ship

Culture:

The Mercora saucer picked us up, us and our little nuke. But they were a

grim, depressed bunch of aliens. It was hard to tell at first. But then

I noticed that each of them was minus one of their smaller legs. There

were just oozing stumps.

"What happened to your legs?" I asked. But even as the words were out of

my mouth, I saw the limbs in the corner. They were laid out on a

brightly colored cloth which was draped over a shelf. There was

something ceremonial about it. Almost religious.

<Can you explain the meaning of this?> Ax asked politely.

<We must make the sacrifice of pain. The legs will regenerate, but those

we honor will not,> the Mercora pilot said. <This is a symbol. It speaks

to our spirit's pain, by echoing it in physical pain.>

"They did this for the Mercora who were in the other ship?" Jake asked.

<For those who were in both ships,> the pilot said. <To be killed is a

sadness. To kill is a sin.>

Jake says the they owe the mercora for saving them

Fuck you Tobias

Tobias 8

Tobias this is premeditated murder

The nesk have decided to leave the earth

The mercora claim that the nesk altered the path of the meteor

They want to use the bomb to save themselves

Cassie 6

Fuck you Tobias

You need to be held accountable for this shit

Its almost like the vast majority of things to ever live never leave any fucking fossils you nit

This bastard is really trying to justify himself like this is anyway defensible

Fuck you Tobias, you get to join Cassie and Jake in the bin of fucking terrible people

Jake 7

Oh what you little bitch babies can’t handle the consequences?

Tobias deserves his unhappines and eventual death

Cassie 7

Cassie at least decides to bear witness to their crime

CVassie saw the time pass

No good reason given why they can’t retain those morphs

Tobias needs to pay for his shit

#nix reads animorphs #animorphs #this was very poorly reserched #and tobias deserves his suffering

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malefectium · 6 years ago

Text

𝒶 𝒷𝑒𝓁𝓁𝒶𝓉𝓇𝒾𝓍 𝒷𝓁𝒶𝒸𝓀 𝒾𝓃𝓉𝓇𝑜 𝓅𝑜𝓈𝓉

EMMA DUMONT —— Well, if it isn’t BELLATRIX BLACK, the SLYTHERIN superstar. For those of you who don’t know HER, you can spot them sitting with the other SEVENTH years. Most people think that they’re HUMOROUS and EMPHATIC, but they can also seem pretty DESTRUCTIVE and VINDICTIVE Sometimes people call them the HELLION. Sure, they’re a PUREBLOOD, but that doesn’t define them.

character parallels: regina mills (ouat), katherine pierce (tvd), christina yang (grey’s anatomy)

prep yourselves for a lesson in bellatrix black:

so first, the goal for my girl is to not let her go fULL crazy yet. it’s hard to maintain, especially in a school setting and like??? nonsensical honestly.

but i’ve let her spiral before so we’ll see haha kajsdhlf but she ain’t so angry this time. im tryin!

but basically bellatrix is ready to let the world burn for the sake of reaching her goals. she’s ambitious man. she gon be a queen someday. that’s what this is all about. her getting what she wants. what she DESERVES dammit. and she’s a queen. where her kingdom at, you bitches??? WHERE IS IT ???

this grllllllllllllll. damn is she crazy about the female empowerment and crushing your enemies to dust thing. have a problem? NBD. because guess what, you have all the abilities in the world to TAKE CARE OF THAT SHIT. idk man, she might be on to something. ain’t nuthin gon stop her and why should it? everyone take notes on how to be a bad bitch.

dumbledore himself admitted she had prodigious skill. not that she’s??? been running around bullying the fuck out of people? she’s just imperious and self-important rn. if anything, everyone isn’t really worth her time

listen. she bought into absolutely EVERYTHING she was told growing up. ‘you’re a black”, “you’re part of an exemplary lineage of witches and wizards that came before you and now all that weight is on YOU, bellatrix” “you must continue this great and amazing line of magic users because it gets stronger with each generation, bellatrix” “the fact you’re a black is the best and most important part of you, bellatrix”

abuse tw: i mean???? it made her feel special, it brought meaning to a world that can be a little scary sometimes. forget the part where the people telling you these things are literally beating it into you. of course it made sense that her family, these people around her that she cared for so much, were important. it had to. why should she think any differently?

yes, i know the pureblood thing isn’t logical, at it’s essence it’s the search for self-worth at the expense of putting others down based on??????? literally nothing

but sadly that’s where all her self worth lies now. in a legacy that she can’t even truly continue because she’s a woman. like??? i know she’s not a victim in the future because she makes A LOT of regrettable and horrifying choices??? but idk man. rn she’s just a kid. it’s sad to me

anyways soap box over

she is a soldier. so loyal. v dedicated and invested in the things she cares about. she’s not hollow about her emotions. she really really CARES. maybe too much.

she takes a lot of pride in being a part of something bigger than herself. the black lineage?? hell yeah she’ll take up that mantle. voldemort’s cause?? well that just gets her fucking wet dude. it’s how she’ll contribute, you know? she just doin her part. maybe in a way that she couldn’t even imagine for herself before now. not only will her family be the best and brightest but also??? rule the world???

come on man. who’d say no to something like that?

she’s a good student. v. smort. those spells come easy son. maybe she’s starting to dip into some spells she shouldn’t know, you know??

she be eyeing that restricted section, fam

but she’s also working v hard on keeping her nose clean so dumbledore wILL GET OFF HER BACK. that shithead’s scrutiny of her is over the top at this point. she ain’t done anything

yet

fucKING DO NOT insult her family. i s2g she can’t take it. she’s too protective. narcissa andie reggie even that fucking traitor sirius. she has so much love. I know that sounds crazy but family is her life. it’s BLOOD. they’re her’s, the only things youre simply given when you come into this world and she holds on so tight to them.

her name is her life. it means everything to her. being a black gives her purpose and so much privilege. basically if youre not in her family she feels so bad for you because omg yOUR LIFE MUST SUUUUUUUCCCKKKK.

but also there’s a lot of pressure coming from that name. don’t fail because well, honestly you CANT fail. there’s a lot riding on this legacy thing. even with half this family abandoning ship. that’s kind of ..... well that’s kind of adding a lot of pressure. but she can handle it. she has to, you know. otherwise what else is there?

wow it’s almost like she cares about being a part of something.

almost like she’s scared of ending up alone because what is she, if not a ‘black’??

i’m SORRY? depth? fear? humanity? from a villian ? *gasp*

weird. wild. unheard of.

daddy’s fave. omg daddy girl to the max. she admired the fuck out of that man. but her mom can suck a dick for all the fucks she gives. wHICH IS NONE like pls someone kill the bitch

she’s so loyal. her life hasn’t been consumed by old voldie yet (or maybe ever??? iDK WE’LL SEE) so like. all that energy going to her fam. they haven’t completely failed her yet. sirius was a blow but . . . maybe she still has some hope for him

andie? love of her life. a queen. narcissa? surely the brightest star in the sky. reggie? perfect, delicate, and sensitive adult-sized infant, no one touch. sirius? MORON. . . . but also her moron, so. he better get his fucking act together

speaking of shitty choices. hellooo drinking and smoking and general bad behavior type o habits. i’d say fucking but meh dlfkjasdhf everyone gon hate her

mental illness tw: but yup that’s her escape. she straight up drowns herself in easy things. she’s v gluttonous, and enjoys sweets and wines and good food. it’s distracting when things get too much. when the walls are closing in on her and she remembers that there’s only really ONE option for the rest of her life. it’s kind of scary actually. gives her kind of a headache. plus forget about sleeping man. she’ll toss and turn at the slightest sound. or just lie awake thinking. dissociating. and damn has it been getting a lot worse lately. good thing she always has candy. or a flask.

at least it’s better then leaving (sorry she salty af about sirius man, she just didn’t see it coming)

possible connections: idk it’s bellatrix dude. everyone gon be scared of her al;dksjfl; but she aint so bad you pussies

#novum:intro #inspo:about

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gazellefamily · 4 years ago

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E.T. (1982) “My mom has revealed that when she took us to see this, she had snuck rum into the theatre to get her through this movie. While that is a somewhat disturbing family anecdote, I can understand after revisiting as an adult. The sickly sweet orchestral score of John Williams and Spielberg’s unearned sentimental moments are audio-visual equivalents to my mother’s Tab cola. It needs some rum. But it’s not all bad. I thought the kid actors were remarkably unannoying. Hollywood don’t find a Henry Thomas every day and young DrewB was a GOAT screen toddler. E.T.’s anatomy is laughable and his species’s ability to manufacture a starship is absurd, but when that his beef-jerky ass gets day drunk and falls on his face, that shit made me LOL. But whatevs. CLOSE ENCOUNTERS-for-kids aint my cocktail of choice either, Babs. Bottoms up” -Sonny Gazelle

“Hard to say how I would feel about this today. Obvs when it came out I considered it one of the best things that had ever been in front of my eyeballs. I wept when Elliott and E.T. took ill and exalted when they escaped via flying bike. I feel as though today I’d want to know lots more about Peter Coyote’s character. They sort of made that movie kind of as MIDNIGHT SPECIAL, where the adults are the main characters. Kiki Dunst. Driver. Maybe my version of Babs Gazelle’s viewing experience will be watching this with an edible? Maybe it’ll become prog-rock if I do that? Yeah I mean lots of Spiel’s output is highly rewatchable, but I have no desire for this. Will just watch MINORTITY REPORT instead.” -Tommy Gazelle

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tessavirtueandmoir · 7 years ago

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1. Who was the last person you held hands with?

Daniel aka one of the Finnish guys cause I didn’t want to get lost in the club (I also hate club so it was like a double whammy)

2. Are you outgoing or shy?

Is outgoingly shy a thing? I used to be super shy and still am around guys, but im definitely more outgoing in everyday life than I used to be

3. Who are you looking forward to seeing?

MY BESTFRIEND WHO FREAKING FLEW TO ENGLAND THE DAY I CAME HOME AND I HAVEN’T BEEN ABLE TO SEE HER YET.

4. Are you easy to get along with?

Depends on who you ask, I guess.

5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?

More likely than not.

6. What kind of people are you attracted to?

Blond hair, blue eyes… the eye colour doesnt really matter tbh but that seems to be the trend. Not douchey.

7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?

Uhh.. that’s wishful thinking.

8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?

Those dang Finnish boys #lifecrisis

9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?

Yes.

10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?

Probs one of those Finnish boys

11. What does the most recent text that you sent say?

I sent an article to my mom about how Canada was gonna be colder than Antarctica and mars. lmao I love this freaking country.

12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?

Freedom 90 - Pitch Perfect Cast

Saturday Night - Whigfield

New Year’s Day - TSwift

New Rules - Dua Lipa

Hopeless Romantic - Scott Middough

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?

Yeah dude point me to a girl who doesn’t

14. Do you believe in luck and miracles?

Lmao no not really

15. What good thing happened this summer?

I turned 20 and apparently had a life resolution. Ditch those crappy people y’all, they aint worth your time

16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

Debatable…

17. Do you think there is life on other planets?

18. Do you still talk to your first crush?

Don’t even remember who my first crush was so that’s probably a no.

19. Do you like bubble baths?

Yo. My kryptonite. My res only had showers for the 4 months I was there and I legit cried when I say my bathtub so.

20. Do you like your neighbors?

As long as I can’t hear them, I don’t really care

21. What are you bad habits?

Getting super snippy when I’m hungry. Um… constantly being on my phone? Idk what else. Being blunt?

22. Where would you like to travel?

I just want to go back to England at this point

23. Do you have trust issues?

hahahah AHAHAHAHAHHA bye

24. Favorite part of your daily routine?

the fact I didnt wake up until like mid afternoon in the uk… now literally nothing

25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?

My stomach? Or maybe my arms

26. What do you do when you wake up?

Check my phone notifs

27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?

Maybe a tad darker because im literally pale af but otherwise no

28. Who are you most comfortable around?

my best friends aka girls

29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up?

No? One of my ex’s once told one of my friends to check on me though cause he was worried.. it was strange.

30. Do you ever want to get married?

Also, debatable. I’m loving my alone life right now.

31. Is your hair long enough for a pony tail?

If it wasn’t I would literally cry so. Every time I get it cut we make sure it goes into a pony because of dance and stuff.

32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with?

Anna Kendrick and is Tessa Virtue a celebrity? I think she is. Wow… that is quite the threesome honestly. Gotta have different life experiences I suppose.

33. Spell your name with your chin.

grasysdoihj

34. Do you play sports? What sports?

Dance and soccer. dance is a sport dont argue with me

35. Would you rather live without TV or music?

TV I guess. But either option would be pretty lame.

36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?

In my 20 years, yeah probably

37. What do you say during awkward silences?

Nothing, I usually check my phone or something

38. Describe your dream girl/guy?

Not an inconsiderate douchebag. And someone that lives in the same country as me.

39. What are your favorite stores to shop in?

NEWLOOK, River Island, ASOS, RW and Co, Dynamite (sometimes the Bay)

40. What do you want to do after high school?

Be a lawyer.

41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?

Nah man.

42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean?

I’m fucking mad and u best walk away before I slit you in half. Or I’m tired. Or im not comfortable with the situation

43. Do you smile at strangers?

I barely even look up so no

44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?

Bottom of the ocean

45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning?

That maybe it’ll be cold enough for me to take a bath at some point… I have a lame Canadian life. And I also don’t wanna be a university drop out so there’s also that.

46. What are you paranoid about?

People following me… like not on social media. Just like in general

47. Have you ever been high?

Nope

48. Have you ever been drunk?

Potentially? Idk man, probably not

49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?

Oh yeah. But I told my friends about it so does that really count?

50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore?

Navy

51. Ever wished you were someone else?

Everyone wishes they were T Virtue so.

52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself?

I wish I could make myself want to go to the gym an exercise. But yet, here I am

53. Favourite makeup brand?

Anastasia Beverley Hills/Tarte/Fenty Beauty

54. Favourite store?

Did I not already answer this?

55. Favourite blog?

Mine. Shameless self promo

https://graysonwadsworth2.wixsite.com/hayitsgray

56. Favourite colour?

Grey/Teal/Burgundy

57. Favourite food?

G A R L I C B R E A D

58. Last thing you ate?

I’m about to eat a huge ass bowl of oatmeal

59. First thing you ate this morning?

This huge ass bowl of oatmeal. It’s 9:25 PM in case y’all were wondering.

60. Ever won a competition? For what?

Many. For dance.

61. Been suspended/expelled? For what?

No, I’m an angel. Just kidding.

62. Been arrested? For what?

Nope.

63. Ever been in love?

Yep.

64. Tell us the story of your first kiss?

Happened on a cruise ship in the middle of the Mediterranean Sea and I stupidly decided to play a game where we were trying to get our faces as close as possible without kissing… I was dumb okay lmao.

65. Are you hungry right now?

Mildly.

66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends?

I talk to my Tumblr friends more than my real friends

67. Facebook or Twitter?

Twitter

68. Twitter or Tumblr?

Why is instagram not a choice. Tumblr I guess.

69. Are you watching tv right now?

I’m watching the movie what not to expect when you’re expecting

70. Names of your bestfriends?

Harneet, Keira, Emmy, Katerina, Andy, Meghan x 2, Madi, Sydney, Emily, Lauren, Cassidy… wow… that’s so many

71. Craving something? What?

Not to be sick.

72. What colour are your towels?

My personal towels are teal. But we have brown, black. and grey ones in the bathroom too.

72. How many pillows do you sleep with?

there’s 6 on my bed right now

73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?

does one laying at the foot of the bed count cause otherwise no

74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have?

I legitimately cleaned out my entire closet this week and found my ENTIRE collection of webkinz so if we’re gonna count those probs like 300 lmao

75. Favourite animal?

Elephant

76. What colour is your underwear?

Pink

77. Chocolate or Vanilla?

Vanilla

78. Favourite ice cream flavour?

Cookie Dough OR French crisp from Laura Secord

79. What colour shirt are you wearing?

Grey

80. What colour pants?

Grey, white and pink

81. Favourite tv show?

GREYS ANATOMY

82. Favourite movie?

Moulin Rouge or Angels and Demons

83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2?

Mean girls who are you

84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street?

Jump Street

85. Favourite character from Mean Girls?

Janice

86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo?

Dory or Crush

87. First person you talked to today?

I honestly have no idea, probably meg though… or I definitely snapchatted people

88. Last person you talked to today?

Meg

89. Name a person you hate?

Well, that would be mean.

90. Name a person you love?

My British bestie, honestly, I don’t know why I love her so much. It’s strange. My cat is the next backup.

91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?

No? Violence is never the answer. Passive aggressiveness is

92. In a fight with someone?

Not that I know of

93. How many sweatpants do you have?

All of my sweats are basically roots, and I honestly have too many

94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have?

TOO MANY

95. Last movie you watched?

Pitch Perfect 2

96. Favourite actress?

Anna Kendrick OR Reese Witherspoon

97. Favourite actor?

I am currently blanking on male actors at the moment. Let’s just go with Ryan Reynolds cause he’s funny af and married to Blake so

98. Do you tan a lot?

I burn a lot.

99. Have any pets?

A really bitchy cat

100. How are you feeling?

Sick #iloveairplanes

101. Do you type fast?

Yes, unnaturally fast. I can also type without looking at the keys which weirds a lot of people out.

102. Do you regret anything from your past?

Doesn’t everyone? It wasn’t stuff that I did myself though

103. Can you spell well?

Usually yes, lately no. I need to go back to school obviously

104. Do you miss anyone from your past?

My grandma

105. Ever been to a bonfire party?

Yep

106. Ever broken someone’s heart?

Accidentally on purpose yes

107. Have you ever been on a horse?

Yes, and I got bucked off and now refuse to ride another horse

108. What should you be doing?

Writing an essay that’s due on Friday

109. Is something irritating you right now?

The fact that I can’t fall asleep, but that’s the norm so

110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?

Only when they broke my heartttttt

111. Do you have trust issues?

I swear to god I’ve already answered this one

112. Who was the last person you cried in front of?

My best british friend. She legit left me crying in the middle of the club

113. What was your childhood nickname?

Gray gray. Or Gray goose.

114. Have you ever been out of your province/state?

Yes

115. Do you play the Wii?

I used to. My console is in my closet now though

116. Are you listening to music right now?

Yes, always.

117. Do you like chicken noodle soup?

MA FAVE. It’s the only soup I eat.

118. Do you like Chinese food?

YES. MY OTHER FAVE.

119. Favourite book?

13 Reasons Why, or Atonement. Soon to be: Scrappy Little Nobody

120. Are you afraid of the dark?

No.

121. Are you mean?

I am blunt. Sometimes those two can get confused

122. Is cheating ever okay?

No, y’all are scum bye

123. Can you keep white shoes clean?

Uh… if my white shoes get dirty I clean them so they’re white again

124. Do you believe in love at first sight?

No, but I believe in crushes at first sight #themodel

125. Do you believe in true love?

I mean.. maybe.

126. Are you currently bored?

Yes, hence why I’m answering all these questions

127. What makes you happy?

My friends

128. Would you change your name?

I currently am, but not my first name.

129. What your zodiac sign?

Cancer the crabbbbbb

130. Do you like subway?

Uh…. sometimes. But it’s not my go to

131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?

Yikes, this has legit happened to me and I had to dip so fast im not even lying

132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?

Definitely one of those Finnish boys

133. Favourite lyrics right now?

Take back your picture in a frame

sometimes the clothes do not make the man

134. Can you count to one million?

Who would ever try that? It would take forever.

135. Dumbest lie you ever told?

When I told all my profs I couldn’t write my midterm cause I had a concussion and I went to the Dominican instead #rebel

136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed?

Closed

137. How tall are you?

5′ 3″

138. Curly or Straight hair?

Straight hair that is curled

139. Brunette or Blonde?

Blonde

140. Summer or Winter?

Neither, I hate both. But if I had to choose, summer

141. Night or Day?

Night

142. Favourite month?

May

143. Are you a vegetarian?

No, I’d literally die because I hate vegetables

144. Dark, milk or white chocolate?

milk

145. Tea or Coffee?

T E A

146. Was today a good day?

Tbh I laid in bed all day so that’s pretty ideal

147. Mars or Snickers?

Mars

148. What’s your favourite quote?

Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind - Dr. Suess (how philosophical wow)

149. Do you believe in ghosts?

Nope

150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page?

The young team were still getting most of their ice time in Ilderton and were preparing for the Western Ontario sectionals in the juvenile category, but in late autumn of 1998, just a week before sectionals, Scott broke his right arm playing flag football. That is the longest sentence ever wow.

#personal #I cant believe I was so bored I answered 150 questions about myself #Jesus murphy

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gaytrashgoblin · 8 years ago

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Rules: Complete the questions and tag 5, have fun! Tagged by: @tinyolsen thanks friend! 1. Are you named after someone? Yeah. My mom’s aunt, who was her best friend was named Kendall. My mother swore if she ever had a daughter that’s what her name would be, and lucky her, the third out of four was a girl.

2. When was the last time you cried? A few weeks ago maybe?

3. Do you like your handwriting? Fuuuuuck no.

4. What is your fave lunch meat? I don’t really like most meat. (not vegetarian or anything just don’t like how it tastes)

6. If you were another person, would you be mates with yourself? Probably not? I don’t talk much and usually keep to myself.

7. Do you use sarcasm? Me? Use sarcasm? Where would you have gotten that idea? 8. Do you still have your tonsils? I have the tonsils, but I did have my adenoids taken out when I was like 12.

9. Would you bungee jump? Why not

10. What is your fave cereal? Frosted Mini Wheat

11. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? Yes. Always.

12. Do you think you are a strong person? I am very strong for my size. And I’ve dealt with a lot of shit. So I’d say yes.

13. Fav ice cream flavour? Mint chocolate chip. 100%

14. What is the first thing you notice about people? How fucking tall they are.

15. Red or Pink? Depends.I don’t wear red, because my cheeks are super red, but it’s not a bad color.

16. What is the least fav physical thing you like about yourself? My nose is cute I guess.

17. What colour pants and shoes are you wearing right now? Black and grey patterned yoga pants (I aint doing yoga they’re just comfortable), and I am currently barefoot so.

18. What was the last thing you ate? A bowl of Frosted Mini Wheat

19. What are listening to right now? Hand In My Pocket/ I Feel the Earth Glee mashup...

20. If you were a crayon, what colour would you be? Like... the white one...

21. Favourite smell? I like vanilla, I suppose.

22. Who was the last person you spoke on the phone to? My mom, probably? Or maybe my older brother.

23. Favourite sport to watch? Women’s soccer.

24. Hair colour? It’s still kind of rainbow, but I have a good 2.5 inches of my roots grown back in. Naturally it’s brown.

25. Eye Colour? Brown

26. Do you wear contacts? I wear glasses. Contacts run too high a risk of infections for someone with an immune system as garbage as mine.

27. Favourite food? Pizza. No questions asked.

28. Scary movies or comedy? Probably scary

29. Last movie you watched? That Dianna Agron movie The Family. She beats a kid with a tennis racket and has a feminist rant. It’s v good.

30. What colour shirt are you wearing? White

31. Summer or Winter? Winter. Though I live in a year long summer so -_-

32. Hugs or kisses? I’m not one for physical contact unless you are a specific person, but if you are one of those people, hugs are the best.

33. What books are you currently reading? Got Anna Kendrick’s book for Christmas!

34. Who do you miss right now? No one particularly. My friend Bri is asleep and is therefore not giving me attention so, I mean.

35. What is on your mouse pad? Don’t use one. Haven’t since I was a kid. I think it was a smiley face?

36. What is the last TV show you watched? Grey’s Anatomy. Trying to catch up on season 13.

38. Rolling Stones or Beatles? The Stones. Never particularly like, got into the Beatles.

40. Special talent? Uh, I’ve been told I’m good at impressions?

41. Where you born? In the next town over. 42. Tag People Alright. Here we go! 5 people. @bananasendrick, @blainesrachels, @the-essence-of-awesomeness, @freaking-isadorkable, aaaaaand @everythingbutmyself You guys don’t have to if you don’t want to :)

#tag meme #here are some things about me #tinyolsen #bananasendrick #blainesrachels #the-essence-of-awesomeness #freaking-isadorkable #everythingbutmyself

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blogloserstidbits-blog · 6 years ago

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If you’re feeling down...remember there is a still someone in your hometown trying to be a rapper

“He rode up with her riding bitch while blasting "Dear Mama" in a suburban neighborhood at 1 in the morning“

As the title the suggests, the topic of discussion will be one mans dream of becoming the next Eminem. Is that racist by the way? Like the only similarities he shares with Eminem is that he’s white and raps. To my knowledge I don’t believe he even liked Eminem. It’s like when a black guy sings country music and iTunes labels it “Country Hip-hop” even though he has never rapped in his entire life. Got to love the blatant racism from super “open minded” people in a Northern California. Sorry got a bit side tracked there. Back to the man in question, let’s call him MC Squiggles. MC Squiggles developed a love for rap, as many of us did, in the late 90s. He started “spittin rhymes” by middle school and selling his mixtapes (giving away to be more accurate) in High School. Say what you will, Squiggles never gave up. To this day Squiggles is still trying to make a name for himself in the “Underground Rap Game” of the grimy streets of Tucson. By grimy I mean in the literal sense, roads conditions are subpar at best. Anyway, he usually performs in places like hipster coffee cafes that turn into hookah/vaping lounges after 8PM. Which by the way, if you use a vape and you have said something in the realm of “I want cotton candy dank juice with no nicotine” kill yourself. I’ll touch on that later, back to Squiggles. Squiggles has done everything he could to find his niche in hip hop society. He started wearing flashy jewelry and wife beaters. Unfortunately, his Bolex watch (I wish that was a typo) didn’t gain the street cred he expected. He started hitting on chicks on myspace from poor neighborhoods in Tucson to be able to adapt into their culture. It was like if Avatar was set in the Barrio. Though he was successful with his endeavors at least once. Turned out that the girl he was fucking was also fucking with several members of the local neighborhood crips. For those who don’t know, it’s a club for refined gentlemen who enjoy the finer things in life. Just kidding, turned out the girl he was fucking was referred to as a “strawberry”. For those who didn’t take Urban linguistics classes in college, “strawberry” refers to a woman who is “passed around’ and is usually compensated accordingly. In this case compensation was, if I had to guess, was paid in crack-cocaine. She was a fun character to be around. She had a lot of fun hobbies that the two would take part in. She collected silverware from the various white families she was introduced to through Squiggles. She then would proceed to the shadiest pawn shop one could find and trade the silverware for legal tender. That profit usually funded her favorite and most expensive hobby, horseback riding. By horseback I mean crack and by riding, I mean smoking. That said she did participate in a form of barebacking, because after all she was a “strawberry” (see aren’t you glad I explained that meaning?). Squiggles did not become aware of the other guys until later down the road. Which was interesting because she did not hide the fact she was a crack whore. I heard her reference other guys right in front of Squiggles, but he didn’t seem to catch on. In fact, one day they came by my place on his moped he was illegally driving. Just to be clear, he wasn’t knowingly driving it illegally, his justification was in the State of Arizona you only need a license for a car. Which is not the case, never was and quite frankly I still have no idea who told him this. So back to the time they came over unannounced. He rode up with her riding bitch while blasting "Dear Mama" in a suburban neighborhood at 1 in the morning. Instead of calling my cell phone, or at least knocking, the two decided to sneak in through my bedroom. As I awoke to crack barrio bunny and white Tupac breaking and entering through my bedroom window. I figured that they were going to either kill me or ask to hide out for a while. I found out that they needed to talk to me about a possible pregnancy scare. As to why they came to me still confuses me to this day. It wasn’t like I had the slightest idea of how to proceed. They were older than I was, and I was never the voice of reason before. You will find that waking me up in the middle of the night to discuss something that was none of my business was a trend. But for the first time I thought “Okay I’ll bite”. So, Squiggles says “ay dawg, I thought I pulled out or some shit but she pregnant”. So, at this point I figured they took a few tests and they were positive. “Well does anyone know? You didn’t take the pregnancy test at your mom’s house did you?” I asked. “Nah” said the teenage crack baby “we didn’t take the test, I just know I’m pregnant. It don’t feel right”. I asked “oh so you have been pregnant before?” after about a two second pause she replies “Nah”. At this point I’m waiting for them to connect the dots, and have a “wait that makes no fucking sense” moment. Alas that never happened, which at this point it started to make me feel stupid by association. “Okay, let’s say you are actually pregnant. What would you intend to do with it?” I asked. She didn’t want to go to a clinic, but she didn’t want to keep this imaginary baby. So, I look at Squiggles and asked for his opinion on whether he would want to father this imaginary baby. At this point I came to the realization that this wasn’t some fucked up dream I can wake up from, it was really happening. So, I figured to divert the conversation to something that could perhaps get them the fuck out of my bedroom. I asked him “are you sure it’s yours?” with that he looked at me with a look of full sincerity and said “Are you saying dudes be foundlin my girls pussy?” “yes….yes I am” I said, “nah its mine” he concluded. It’s 2:15 AM, after spending a considerable amount of time in my restroom, Latina Whitney Houston came back saying “Just curb stomp my stomach! Just curb stomp my stomach! You disconnect it and I’ll piss it out.” Squiggles says “that aint how that shit works, you need a vacuum or something”. It is now 2:30AM, Squiggles and Cokey McCrackhead are now discussing a possible at home remedy that could replicate what most go to medical school to learn. Instead of medical equipment they thought a hoover duster and a pair of Jordans would suffice. Instead of correcting anyone, at this point I knew she was definitely not pregnant and the idea of Squiggles curb stomping her stomach was looking more and more appealing. I went into my closet, I had a college anatomy book I was given from my parents. I pretended to find the “abortion” chapter, which didn’t exist. I said “hey guys I have this and it can tell you whether or not “stomping” would work. I knew they wouldn’t check, books to them is like bacon to Muslims. I read and said “in theory that is all an abortion is” and how that same practice has been used for centuries. Squiggles turns to his self-proclaimed “shawty” and she looks at me and asked “is it a bad idea?”. It’s now 3:15 AM, I had to wake up in 2 hours, any moral code does not exist in the name of slumber to me. I looked at her and said “Yes, it both solves the issue of not keeping the baby while also not visiting a clinic”. That was it, DJ Trust-fund and pookie rode off into the sunrise on an illegally driven moped and I never asked about what happened next. You may notice I started writing what the various characters say, these are based (if not verbatim) on what I documented from the time it happened. Yes, that conversation took place. No I didn’t add a convenient Segway with claiming to have a anatomy book, I still have that book and the memories of that night with it. So Squiggles was hard at work trying to become the next big rap star. He categorized himself a KC-Motown rapper, that signifies he is a Kansas City based hip hop artist. So you may be asking yourself “wait, didn’t this guy say that this is in Arizona?” To that I’d say “yes” and if you ask why I will say “no fucking idea”. The stupidity aside, he wasn’t that terrible. In fact I found that his technique was good. His tempo was the same as any other hip hop artist I’ve heard, then again I’m no Dr. Dre. The key issue with his stylings was the lyrics, and that was what kept him from his goal of fame. Then again being from Tucson is another great way to remain out of the spotlight. I swear if I’d ever attempt to publish this I wouldn’t get a chance the second they saw I was from Arizona. If I was from New York or Los Angeles all I would have to do is shit on printer paper and I’d get a book deal. Anyway, his lyrics were mashed up life experiences of famous rappers combined into one. It would be like if someone had the same life experience of Eminem, 50 cent, snoop dogg, and Tupac all in one. We are talking of course of someone who was shot 9 times, while being a member of the crips, whose mom was addicted to pills and got killed sitting next to Suge Knight. None of these were what Squiggles experienced in his life. So, it got to the point where no body understood what he was talking about, mostly because he didn’t either. He didn’t base his lyrics on any of his life experiences. No one really cared right up to when he felt it was socially acceptable to say the word “nigger” or “nigga” which there IS NO DIFFERENCE. While his lyrics were stolen from other popular artist of the time, his own life stories were probably best to be unheard. That, however, was not the case when he introduced (or “dropped” as he put it) his new mixtape. As you may remember, strawberry was also sleeping with the local crip chapter (is that how you refer to them?). Throughout her endeavors she picked up a few things other than crack along the way. Chlymidia, among others, were coursing through her veins and she passed them down to squiggles. Squiggles now experienced multiple different STDs that he ignored. While the details become disgustingly graphic, I will let his lyrics explain. “When I asked, she put up a fuss. Asking why my dick be squirting puss.” -MC Squiggles 2010. Thankfully he tested that lyric with a small audience of friends before going to a show……..no he didn’t. Opening for tech n9ne he discovered the only thing worse than saying the n-word, discussing dick puss. The room, who was filled with the “who’s who” of the Tucson Hip-hop crowd (few fat Mexicans drunk on cough syrup), in a state of confusion. “Dat mutha fucker say dick puss?” one crowd member said. The awkwardness the equivalent of someone shitting their pants came over the crowd. Rather than taking a hint, he continues with the STD riddled rhymes, then continued to confess his love for some girl named Kathleen that none of us even heard of. After the chorus fades out and his song ends the room was silent. Then a loud male voice screams from the bar, “Kathleen gave me crabs!”.

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amazingjackthefactfinder-blog · 7 years ago

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It has begun. The blog that will bust the doors wide open.

I’m sure you’ve heard of muck raking and I am not one for buck taking so the buck stops here. I am going out into the world to finally once and for all get to the bottom of all the nonsense and do some cold hard journalism. Pie a la mode style. Meaning i may have a cold creamy gal riding on top of my crisp apples... but watch out she bites. She is one icy B and a half. Nevertheless I will go on to announce that as a promise to my never ending ever growing swarm of listeners I never sacrifice my integrity for a back alley handy and a warm plate of dessert. One other thing I would like to mention is that my theme songs will be extensions of my soul and eventually will amass to form a discography intent on making any record collection obsolete whether it be a slew of Blondie and Barbara Streisand Albums or the record collection owned by Kenny “The Tits” Daffledinger. When asked why they call him “The Tits”, “The Tits” replied “Well Jack, I’m what you could call a connoisseur. I don’t buy nothin’ unless it makes this phrase pop out of my mouth, ‘Oh lawdy lawdy I do declare these be the tits what my eyeballs oogly googly googling at’ I must say that 8 or 9 times a week, and that’s just while I’m out with my grandma. I am also a certified fan of the female anatomy particularly of the booby area so I’m goin’ for a 25% tranny swap under the hood if you know what I mean.” I reply, “No Kenny, but go on, I am enthralled.” Kenny adamantly exclaims, “Well tell me this now Jack, WHY is it that girls get to have sweater puppies when my apartment complex wouldn’t even let me have a pet rock. WHY is it that man has not yet evolved to lactate? AND WHY have you never just racked on a pair of 36 C donkey pillows and gone with the partial sex change. Aint got shit now Jack where are your answers? Well ill tell you what, my chesticles will never see the light of day with you in the room that much is for sure. These are my Tits. I am The Tits. My tits are the Tits so call me Tits, remember... The one with the bangin butterscotch hard candy nipples.” And that was all “The Tits” was willing to share with us that day he said something about pollen in the air and ran off to get some alkaline water from the water store just adjacent of the senior citizen version of hooters, droopies on Mackeral Blvd.

An introductory message and guarantee of service by The Amazing Jack himself.

This is the Amazing Jack reporting for reporter duty. This is my Manhattan Project. An adventure so death defying and deplorable yet heart warming and soul filling it will shape the fate of the world in the same fashion Chicken soup for the Soul gave you a faster decision on what to read while dropping brown. Remember Heroes live forever. But legends never die. And the hallowed reporters creed states “Never shy away from a task so daunting it seems like trying to floss a lion’s back molar when the lion is suffering from a toothache.” (Reporter Creed: subsection 34N-fi-alpha-4) Danger and a story so juicy you’ll be asking if this is an expose on Wrigley’s Juicy Fruit gum. But thats far from the case this path on which we are about to embark is something much more life threatening and repulsive. And we reporters get off to that shit. So to recap Heroes forever, legends immortal. Reporters? They just inject the Novocaine and root canal that overgrown house cat till our restless minds are at peace once more.

With great power does not come great responsibility in reality alongside great power comes manslaughter government corruption and if youre lucky a sweet chopper with a wicked amount of horsies pumpin through the engine. All of which I have leads on and the resulting stories will eventually put your ass where your hat goes with the shistorm of raw unfiltered news that comes in your ears and plops its balls on your favorite addition of home and garden. “Ah hell no not my dream house ‘zine, it’ll be weeks until the next edition, I’m going to march on Washington” You’ll cry as you rally your multiracial family and tell them the news you just heard. But it will be too late old news is cold news so go drink a cold brew and wait for the next delightfully painful kick to the groin that we call current events.

With vengeance,

The Amazing Jack

Legal Disclaimer

(The Amazing Jack is not a registered trademark and is not held down by any one career. Journalistic skills may be lacking as The Amazing Jack is mainly shoe salesman at a shoe store in Southern California, cannot guarantee the sole proprietor ownership of this title: The Amazing Jack, Amazing is a subjective term, Jack may possibly not astonish or excite you, Call your doctor if you experience dry heaves or scabies, toxic chemicals have been used in the production of this blog, all animals may seem hurt but realistically that female miniature pincer was just being a little bitch that day, vengeance may fall upon you by someone other than The Amazing Jack and in such cases, swift blows to the kidneys and spleen have been experienced, Warning do not repeat anything you have read on this blog or listened to in our respective fact finding missions, this is of course if you care whatsoever about your social status or the way people rate your intelligence, otherwise take your “given up sweat pants” out of there secret hiding place and binge on all of The Amazing Jack’s content, talk excessively about obscure insider information, and purchase any and all of our non explosive merchandise [Warning product Amazing Jack DIY Dynamite assault charges mislabeled DIY Dynamite Dance Party and military grade explosives were sold in children’s activity aisles all across 8 countries including the US Mexico and Many Nordic locations. All sales are final, yes, even for merchandise our LLC charged to any stolen credit card you left in our flagship store/roller derby rink, The owner will find a place for the 17 7XL Amazing Jack Daygo Lyfestyle Signature Tube Top Wife beater as it is illegal in all 50 states and us Territories to throw away materials rated with exceedingly high uranium and lead content. [This is a specific but public message about your “stolen” credit card, we are holding a VISA Platinum credit card for Gino Togenclap who claims we here at the The Amazing Jack Production Team have been misusing his identity. This ungrateful piece of filth lives on 3853 Hermdiddle Coast Way, Sweet Lips, Tennessee 38340 Gino tends to be home in the mornings and evenings so for all you scavengers out there only case his residence at this time don’t get those sticky fingers just yet. Use excessive force if necessary to acquire Mr. Togenclap’s valuables and burn his family photos for good measure. Gino we don’t regret to inform you the new season of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt has come out on streaming networks but our office has been swamped with murky mud water and what looks like alligators and air boat parts so the mail people don’t pick up our packages anymore, this means we must continue our subscription in your name to hulu, nfl sunday ticket, netflix, amazon prime, Omaha steak delivery, the office wide Disneyland yearly passes we each got as bonuses last quarter, also our CFO Tommy Rimshot was saying he was experiencing some mild to sever spinal pain so we had you hook him up with the deluxe weekly package down at Attitude Adjustment, it’s that new chiropractor that took the idea of being sarcastically really mean and bad at his job like the folks down at dicks last resort, Tommy goes down there first thing they do is just hit him with a baseball bat right below his 7 cervical spine vertebrae and they fracture his hole spinal column, then they yell just kidding! Tommy was laughing so hard he was screaming in pain, 6 months of physical therapy with a lifetime of Oxycontin and he keeps saying he cant believe how dedicated the employees are to providing a comical and impacting experience for every customer, he has no idea how they knew he didn’t have insurance and would have to pay out of pocket, well we just put it on your card, you’ve got to try it out Gino, maybe when you get your credit card back, which I highly doubt will be any time this winter, possibly 2019. I can get you a good referral have em fuck up your back real good then fix it, That’s what we do to all of our friends and associates who “Talk too much” anyway this is meant to be a legal document that will hold up in court I better hold all the fraud extortion robbery and forgery chitchat for when i face time you, gotta jet talk to you soon Big G] Remember we also have a you break it you buy it policy on The Amazing Jack’s patented mustache If you break it you must pay the yearly $89,000 disabled severance from mustache package and if The Amazing Jack may happen to pass away from a sudden spelunking accident, act of nature, act of God, or point blank bullet wound to the facial area after severance from said official patented Amazing Jack Mustache the person/person’s responsible must pay out The Amazing Life Insurance policy Jack took out at age 26. Which is $5,000,000 to each of his 4 children and $800,000 to his pet brown bear to cover room and board along with the domesticated brown bear’s stamp collecting habit.)

Sincerely,

Ron Gotabitabeli

Head of Amazing Jack’s Crackpot Legal Defense Squadron (trademark)

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