#MY INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS TOOK OVER AF

[izelandzero]

CONTENT WARNING: two half nakey ._.

Sequel from this animated meme short I've made from the several months ago, Which I haven't shown y'all this😞😭

[theredqueenandthebloodwyrm]

Hatching (Catching) up on House of the Dragon Episode 5 rn!

(I know I didn’t do a post for episode 4, don’t @ me I think I had a draft but it got deleted and I was so over writing at that time).

Spoilers for Episode Five, Season Two, of House of The Dragon

Initial thoughts: Jace & Baela are the best couple, I love them so so much.

More Caraxes & Daemon, slight annoyance at the fact that the dragons look so dull their scales should be shining and bright! Full of color!

Why do we need to have Rhaena & Lady Jayne Arryn fight? This feels like more unnecessary conflict for the sake of character conflict like in the previous episodes.

I do like how the Small Council (once again) called Rhaenyra out for trying to rush headfirst into battle against Vhagar of all dragons! She can’t risk her life like that because she’s the Queen! This isn’t to say I wouldn’t want her to ever fight on dragonback but if she must, it has to be alongside other dragonriders (such as Daemon & Caraxes). I mean seriously if Meleys and Rhaenys couldn’t beat Vhagar (*granted Meleys was already wounded in the fight against Sunfyre + Vhagar’s second ambush from behind the castle of Rook’s Rest) solo, then Rhaenyra and her tiny Syrax definitely wouldn’t no matter how tired Vhagar might be. At least she’s admitting to Mysaria that “I’m the Sovereign, I can’t fuck off to do whatever especially if it’s a hazard to my life” (*see what happened to drunk as fuck Aegon riding Sunfyre into the battle of Rook’s Rest). I know that might sound like I’m contradicting myself in earlier posts about “Hey, it’s not the time for peace anymore Rhaenyra, stop fucking around with Alicent”, but there’s a difference between preparing for war, gathering a army, directing the war efforts vs fighting yourself in the frontlines. Not every leader fights in the battles, and this is especially a dangerous war to risk your livelihood as the other major claimant when your enemies have dragons. Ah see Mysaria says it herself, “There is more than one way to fight a war”.

Felt bad for the servant who Rhaenyra snapped at, was that Elinda Massey? (Couldn’t tell) I do relate to the whole ‘standing around anxiously waiting to try and ask a question’ only to get yelled at/snapped at.

WAIT ARE WE ACTUALLY GETTING SOME SCENES OF RHAENYRA AND BAELA BONDING / INTERACTING? LET’S GOOOOOOOOOO! that small snippet at the council was not enough at allll!

Poor Daemon, he is tripping hard af. I mean seriously, the worst intrusive thoughts / hallucinations ever. I do like the Maesters noting Aegon’s injuries and alluding to the existence of internal injuries, so that bit of medical knowledge (internal injuries, to what extent they know of them) is known canonically in the show-universe.

Laughing my ass off watching Alicent stand up (and sort of sway back and forth on her feet, holding onto to the table) as she declares they need a regent like she genuinely thinks she’s the one for the role of regent and that they (the green’s council) would accept her as Regent! Larys spells it out for us directly “what would it say if in response to Rhaenyra’s crowning, we raised up a woman of our own”. Rhaenyra’s usurpation by the Greens was solely based on misogyny. Alicent had no problem playing along with the rules of the patriarchy, of levying insults against Rhaenyra based on the fact that she was a woman (and a woman who didn’t suffer endlessly in a marriage and instead found her own love and solace) and Rhaenyra’s first husband Laenor based on the fact that he was gay. Yet she has the audacity to feel enraged that the council is denying her power? She had already lost any power she once had when Aegon took the throne because of how she raised her children, excused their actions, etc.

I know I’m SUPPOSED to care about Hugh and his family, sick dying kid and all that. But I really don’t? Granted this may be because I’ve read the wiki/know the book spoilers so…? Same with Ulf, I just can’t muster any ounce of fucks to care. I’m enjoying Alys Rivers though, fr!

Alicent’s getting on my nerves so much, “You know what he [Aemond] is, what he has somehow become.” Like she hasn’t raised him? Lived with him? Encouraged and excused his actions? How is she so shocked when she not only a few episodes ago was exuding her son’s murder of Lucerys (a child on a much smaller dragon, who was acting as a messenger protected by customs and who had honorably refused to fight Aemond).

VERMAX! JACE AND VERMAX! JACE DOING MORE DIPLOMACY LET’S GOOOOO! FAVORITE PRINCE AND HEIR TO THE IRON THRONE! Jace channeling that inner Daemon “You fear a dragon leagues away when mine own sits outside your walls?”

Small tangent: digging the costume designs for whoever that Lady Frey is, costume designers go hard in this season seriously.

I don’t dig the characterization of Daemon being all “I want the throne for myself and Rhaenyra will rule beside me”. Call it bias towards a character I like, but the previous episodes of Daemon being all “call me king not prince, was heavy handed and over done, and technically speaking he’s been officially recognized as King consort by Ser Simon Strong so we know that his title was presumed to end up being King Consort to the ruling Queen, so requesting to be called King isn’t necessarily some far fetched ploy for power and to undermine Rhaenyra—it’s just an expected title. We know that he’s supporting Rhaenyra (even in their marital spat), that he’ll dirty his hands to get revenge for her (avenging Lucerys’ death in a manner he saw fit—which put him at odds with Rhaenyra but he was doing it for her however misguided). We already had their conflict established in episode two, that Daemon’s actions made Rhaenyra unable to fully trust him, he was hurt by that and ran off to Harrenhal, hasn’t returned her letters, etc. I don’t think we needed more of a “Boohoo I still want the throne and boohoo Viserys” from Daemon. Even Ser Alfred doesn’t think Daemon would raise a host for himself. I’m not saying we shouldn’t have a cunning grey character, I mean that’s what Daemon is, but I don’t see why we couldn’t have him completely loyal to Rhaenyra (show-wise).

Baela and Corlys’ scene is so good. Baela being all “My grandmother is a Targaryen Princess and dragonrider”

“I am blood and fire” is an iconic line, like yeah Baela you are a Targaryen by name, by father, by dragonrider. Seriously digging seeing more Baela & Jacaerys.

Ser Willem Blackwood is an utter fool, I swear. Daemon was rather clear in his wording that there are some things the crown must not be seen doing, implying that “hey if you wanna fuck up the Brackens go ahead, just don’t say I gave you the green light” (therefore that means no flying the Queen’s banners!).

There’s an interesting implication in the line in which Rhaenyra says Rhaena nearly lost her life in the last attempt to claim a dragon, was she trying to claim Vermithor? Silverwing? Clever Jacaerys working with his momma to get some new dragonriders! Love his smug little face.

[maybeigotwithsophie]

The wiz thoughts up to mean old lion 1978

Word connotantes - run, up, down, run, hide, ease, don’t ease, long, road, where, how, which way

Dialectics

All the characters have my new philosophy intro songs

Dorothy is so expressive and dramatic but she also has some deep confidence barriers

The friends get annoying after a whole esp Jackson but it’s the most real portrayal of my friendships I’ve seen thus far

Dorothy doesn’t have to posture.

these dialogues HIT HIT HIT

Charlie smalls was a genius no doubt

Why does no one analyze this?

We all know these characters and the awe and amazement ref lyric is the Anne Shirley effect

The lion is annoying the shit of me because I know SO MANYppl like him my goods even scarecrow is annoyed af

Mills didn’t need to act dumb about Michael like I didn’t want to hear that

OMG TIN MAN LMFAOOOOO

Everyone presents and laughs so hard in this

Ease on down the road put a smile on my face.

You can’t win deserves its own award category. For most meaningful impact communicated through a song scene. Fight me.

The lion omg stfuuuyuy

The courthouse

Does anyone get the numbers symbolism?

It went over mine regretfully

Mills is not singing too well in her falsetto, emotional familiarity doesn’t make it reasonable.

The cab dances where each ease on down the road gets more confident mostly is just THE BOMB

the colorsss f the can b the yellow is so iconic and recognizable

The snow tornado let me inhibitions down

Guys I have to be Dorothy

Toto runs like a tiny Pomeranian

Bubbieeee

Oh no nut the metro

The lions announcer voice

FLEet

took me outtttt LMFAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

I swear

IFELAS

I CANT with this the black references guys I get all of them all

Nothing better than getting a cultural reference it’s like a fun little ping pong game full of fuzzy rewards

THE SCAEY TELETUBBIES KILL MEGHYSHELP

I don’t wanna be afraid AHHHHH IM SK SCAEED OMGFO S S THIS JA SCARIER THAN GETTING HARASSED PK THW RESIME STAIRL A AHAHAHAI FELT VISCER TWEELE

This is so actually scary help oh my god

This is so scary

Hell I’m terrified

I’m panicking

What what what

No e lion is oomna doej

What the hell i feel this

Def Stephanie’s better scenes realism wise

So the lion has courage and the crows weren’t and we’re real but that’s not the point because her session with scarecrow demonstrated how I talk to people who are struggling and how I get on with the world like th e light soundtrack encapsulates that I just wish the lyrics and it would mesh better

It’s light and flighty still even

But I still love it more than god

Toto isn’t with me I’m sad :(

Stephanie is so quirky

WHY ARE THE WALLS MOVING I STG

Acid what was wrong with Charlie smalls

Hello if you’re out there qu’ils board guy

I this mind trip is so long

Ok this is psychological horror I once panicked over being In a mirror maze funhouse when I was young because my intrusive thoughts had never seemed so pertinent fucking terrifying I felt like the ear th w was gonna fall under me and every light and mirror I touched wasn’t tangible or real

Oh poppies

[darkficsyouneveraskedfor]

Pull

Sequel to Push

Warnings: noncon sex, oral, violence, abuse, and death.

This is Lee Bodecker (who is already dark!af) and explicit. Your media consumption is your own responsibility. Warnings have been given. DO NOT PROCEED if these matters upset you.

Summary: The sheriff keeps coming around.

Note: Okay, so probably a three-parter. I didn’t intend for this to go beyond a one shot but same old story, eh.

Hope you enjoy it. Thank you. Love you guys!

Please leave some feedback, like and reblog <3

“Oh what the hell she says I just can't win for losing And she lays back down”

-Her Diamonds, Rob Thomas

🚔

You stared out the window. The trees along the edge of the yard were pale and barren, a sheet of frost laid over the ground. There was a wailing in your head. The tears blurred your vision and your fingernails curled into the lip of the sink.

"Goddamn it, girl," you flinched at your father's voice. "The kettle's fucking screaming."

You pushed yourself away from the sink and shook away the haze. You turned the knob and moved the kettle to the front burner. You took off the lid of the percolator and poured the piping water inside. You left the coffee to brew and turned your back to the stove.

"Are you alright?" Will asked as he cut up his eggs with his fork.

"She's fine. She just ain't wanna do her work." Your father growled through a mouthful. "Way she's been draggin' her ass lately like the rest of us ain't work a lot harder than rinsing a pan or sweeping a dang floor."

"I've been doing all that, daddy." You cringed after you spoke. Not just because you knew you're father wouldn't like it but because that word, 'daddy', tickled that memory in the back of your head.

"Try to do it without makin' a bigger mess," he snarled. "Your ma raised you better. She was still here, she'd be shakin' her head."

Not just at me, you thought but kept it to yourself. You turned and filled the four cups lined up with coffee. You set each before the men at the table. Your brothers thanked you, your father grumbled for the sugar. You set the dish in the centre of the table and backed away. 

You would eat after them. A bowl of porridge with cinnamon as your daddy went to his shed and the boys drove into town. Your only peace for the day although you hadn't had any since that night.

Six days. You counted each in your head. Laying in your bed, sleepless. Even after almost a week, you still felt the Sheriff's intrusion. You were still sore; bruises on your ass and thighs, a hole deep in your being. You closed your eyes and you were bent over the chair or the table. Your skin crawled and your stomach flipped. You couldn't shake the terrible shadow from your mind.

They left without ado, the boys in an argument over Mr. Calver's new car and what year it was. You cleared the table and sat to make yourself eat. It was hard but after a two day fast, you'd almost passed out against the burning stove. So you ate without tasting and washed the dishes.

You found yourself gazing out the window again. Snow began to fall and you shivered. You looked down, your hands mindlessly in the dishwater that had long turned cold. You pulled the plug and dried your pruned hands. 

The gravel crunched outside as the wind battered flakes against the window panes.

Your heart dropped. It used to be weeks between visits, sometimes a whole month. As of late, Sheriff Bodecker had taken to visiting more often. You were never very vain but you suspected it might be on your account. How could it not be?

You went to the door and peeked out the tall window beside it. It was him. The lights atop the cruiser and the emblem painted across the door. It was early but every visit was unexpected.

He looked at the house and you let go of the curtain. You pressed yourself to the door and listened. His footsteps trailed away and he knocked on the shed door. Your father answered in his usual gruff demeanor.

You felt brittle as you pushed away from the door. You walked to the stairs and looked up. The carpet was worn away by years of steps taken up and down. You leaned against the railing as you climbed. Don’t think about the man below and perhaps he wouldn’t think of you.

You took a cloth from the linen closet at the end of the hall and began to wipe down the plates that decorated the wall. Each was painted with a landmark; Niagara Falls, the Eiffel Tower, the Statue of Liberty, the Pyramids in Giza. You focused on cleaning each, even as your hands shook and your legs threatened to crumple.

His hands on you, his sickly sweet breath, his body crushed against you. You gripped the plate with the image of the Coliseum. You stared at the hundreds of windows, the falling facade. Your eye overflowed and the door below slammed.

You sniffed and set the plate back in the hooks. You wiped your eyes with the sleeve of your sweater and wiped the top of the side table. Thick soles climbed the stairs and a figure stopped in your peripheral. You turned as Lee peered down at you, fingering the heel of his gun as he neared.

“Your pa said I could use the facility,” he said.

“Behind me,” you said quietly as you picked up the vase and wiped the inside. 

“What’re you doin’? Tryna hide from me up here?” He tapped two fingers on the table.

You shook your head and put the pot down. You looked at the old sepia picture of your parents beside it.

“You know, I was wanting to come back sooner but… duty calls.” He lowered his voice as he leaned close, “There’s not much to do sittin’ around in the cruiser. I end up thinking of you. Wishin’ it was your hand down my pants instead of mine.”

“Sheriff,” you breathed. “Please, don’t--”

“You mad ‘cause I been gone, I get it. Not right of a man to be with a woman than just leave her waitin’,” he touched your cheek as you looked away. “You smell nice.”

“You better do your business and get goin’, sheriff,” you uttered. “I got laundry to do.”

“No point in actin’ all coy anymore,” his hand stretched over your jaw and he forced you to look at him. “And I can’t hold out much longer. You remember the river, where I take my break, you meet me there at midnight, after your pa’s asleep.”

“It’s snowing,” you argued.

“I don’t care if it’s a goddamn blizzard. You come find me or I find you,” he snarled and his hand slipped down to the top of your dress. He undid the top two buttons and squeezed your tits together as he watched them with a lewd leer. “I gotta pay more attention to these… but that ass is so nice.”

“My daddy--”

“Half drunk, as usual,” he huffed, “I could fuck you on his bed right now and he’d be none the wiser.” He purred and admired your tits as he bounced them. “Midnight… I’ll keep the car warm for you.”

He winked and dropped his hands, his palm brushing over the front of his pants and causing him to groan. He turned away and unbuckled his pants as he entered the bathroom. He kicked the door closed and you whimpered.

If your daddy found out what had happened, even if it was the Sheriff, he’d string you up by your knickers.

🚔

You found the flashlight under the stairs and waited until the house was filled with snores. The old standing clock ticked as you counted down the hours sat on the stairs across from the front door. The snow wasn’t thick but enough to make it slippery. With the night, the temperature dropped and seeped in around the windows. It would take you a while to get through the woods.

You opened the front door carefully. You wore the old hand-me-down coat and your heavy boots. You hated the forest after dark. When you were kids, your older brothers like to tell tales of grisly murders and other atrocious acts there. You’d since learn much of those were fantasy but it didn’t make them any less sinister.

You flipped the flashlight on as you neared the trees. You hit it twice to get the bulb alight. You pointed it ahead of you and followed the glow like a beacon. If your daddy knew what you were about, if your mama was alive to know it… you could hardly bear it yourself.

Your teeth chattered as the bitter wind swept under your skirt and you crossed your free arm over your middle. You hunched against the cold as flakes began to fall once more. You heard the river ahead of you and came out onto the dirty shore.

Bodecker’s cruiser sat waiting, his flashlight on the dash as it lit up the interior. You saw him in the yellow haze as you neared. He got out as he spotted you and rounded the car. His breath fogged before him and he rubbed his hands together.

“Got the heat on, not that you’ll be cold for long,” he said, “Come on,” he opened the back door and reached for the flashlight. You handed it to him as he waved you into the car. “On your back.”

He was out of pretense, out of patience. You sat and shimmied back on the seat. He got in behind you and pulled the door closed as he huddled on his knees on the seat. He was bent awkwardly as he grabbed at your skirt.

“Common, let’s get these off,” he reached up and grabbed the waist of your wool tights and jolted them down your thighs. “It’s so fucking cold. I don’t know we can keep to the car through the winter.” He left your tights at your knees and tore down your underwear. He pushed your legs up so they hung around him, the wool stretched across his stomach. “There’s a hotel in town. We can drive in…”

His voice trailed off as he fumbled with his pants. He grunted and planted a hand beside your head as he bent over you. He slapped the tip of his cock against your cunt as you turned your face away from him. You pressed your lips together. Better to have it done with.

“What’s the matter, girl?” He grabbed your chin and turned your head. “Open your eyes…” he rubbed his nose against yours and pushed against your entrance. “Look at your daddy, girl.”

“Please--” You opened your eyes and begged. “Please, don’t make--”

He impaled you and let out a long groan. You yelped and as you curled beneath him and he sank to his limit. It hurt just as much as before. He hit the same bruises as he began to thrust.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck,” he said with each tilt of his hips, “You don’t know how I’ve been thinking about you.”

He pushed himself up as he continued to move against you. He unzipped your coat and unbuttoned your blouse with some difficulty. He ripped your jacket, shirt, and brassiere strap down your shoulder. He grabbed your tit as it fell loose and toyed with your nipple. He flicked with his thumb and circled the hard nub.

“You need to dress yourself up, girl,” He purred between thick breaths. “Show off what you got. Just for me, no one else.”

“I can’t-- I can’t--” You squealed as he sped up and sent a pang up your spine. “Ow, ow, ow.”

“I ain’t care about your pa,” he murmured, “I’ll buy you something nice, hmmm? Then I can fuck you in that.”

You blinked away the tears as they threatened. This man could use your body but he wouldn’t see you cry. You hadn’t truly done that since your mama’s funeral. 

The car rocked with him. He crushed you into the seat as his feet hit the door. He was too tall to be crammed in the back of the cruiser atop you but it barely seemed to matter. The leather of his coat squeaked as he hammered into you and the scent of his sweat permeated the air. 

He dropped down on you, smothering you as his hips kept going. He nuzzled your ear and gave a throaty grunt. He came and slapped the seat beside your head. He slowed and went limp over you, out of breath as he shuddered.

“Mmm, can I use my cuffs on you next time, girl?” He lifted his head and tickled your temple. “Hmm? You can be my perp?”

You stared at him, mortified. You nodded, unable to speak.

“Tomorrow,” he rasped, “I won’t wait another week.”

🚔

Your nights belonged to the Sheriff and the days had never truly been your own. Two weeks of his sick game, trekking through the dark, cold woods to his cruiser by the frozen river. Face down on his seat, cuffs behind your back, him behind you, on top of you.

That day, he’d been by to see your father. He found you in the kitchen before he went. “Forget the underwear tonight, girl.” That was all he said before he left you to dread him again.

The same path, the same bobbing light before you, the knot deep in your gut. You were as sick with yourself as you were with him. You let him use you. Maybe you didn’t have a choice but you didn’t fight. You just laid there and waited for him to finish.

As you walked through the woods, you still jumped at every snapped twig and every rustle. It all seemed louder that night. The wind was wild and the branches shook above, no leaves left to block the moonlight.

He took your jacket off that night. You shivered and he cuffed your hands behind your back. He bent you over the hood and hiked up your skirt. Your thigh highs began to sag as he entered you. Your cheek nearly stuck to the cold metal of the car as he pushed your head down.

“Fuck yeah, girl, you like when daddy fucks you?” He snarled as he slapped your ass. The open zipper of his jacket brushed your skin and his pants scratched the top of your thighs. “Hmm, you like being a whore?” He tugged on the cuffs as he fucked you harder. “That’s it.”

He snorted and slowed. You sensed a disturbance and he reached to his loose belt.

“Who’s there?” He called out as he slipped out of you.

“I fucking knew you was sneakin’ around,” Your father’s voice cut through the air. “Might be with a policeman but it don’t make it any better, you tramp.”

You tried to stand and Bodecker pushed you back down. “She’s a grown woman and times are changin’, Rhett. Why don’t you go back home? You know I’ll get her there safe.”

“Home? Uh uh, she can stay out in the cold. I won’t have no whore under my roof.”

“Now, let’s not be rash, Rhett, I’ll take care of her. You won’t have to. I was just--”

“Everyone knows about you, Lee,” your father barked, “This where you take your other whores?”

“I’m a changed man,” Bodecker insisted and you heard a subtle snap. You watched as their shadows got closer in the dark lit up only by the flashlight thrown onto the ground. “She’s--”

“You can keep her. Maybe you can find a man who will buy or sell her when you’re done.”

“Don’t be sayin’ that--”

“You fat fuck, don’t you--”

You were deafened by the sudden bang and your ears rang as your father’s body slumped to the floor. You stood with some trouble and stumbled back. You heard your father gasping as he twitched in the dirt. Bodecker turned and caught you before you could stepped away from the hood.

“I didn’t tell you to get up,” He growled as he bent you over the hood again.

“Daddy!” You cried out. “What did you do? Daddy--”

“I told you,” he pressed the gun to your head and poked around until he slid back inside you, “He ain’t your daddy no more.”

Your boots kicked in the dirt as he fucked you. The cold metal of the gun had you frozen, your eyes on your father’s body as the life slowly drained from him. You closed your eyes as his last, moist breaths escaped him. You bit down; you couldn’t cry, not even then.

You didn’t even notice as Bodecker finished and backed away. As his cum leaked from you and your legs folded. You fell onto the cold ground and he hauled you up into the back seat. He slammed the door and got in the front.

“Daddy…” You muttered.

“Pity. You never know what scoundrels are hanging out in the woods after dark,” Bodecker said as he started the car. “That’s some bad news to wake up to, isn’t is, girl?”

“Wh-why-why?” You stammered.

“Shhhh, you gotta be quiet, girl,” he coaxed, “‘Specially when drop you off. Better not wake any of your brothers, right?” He was quiet for a moment and cleared his throat loudly, “Right?”

“Right,” you whispered as your sticky thighs rubbed together, “Right, right, right…”

🚔

“Now, girl, you go inside and put your clothes in a bag and wash yourself up.” Those were Bodecker’s instructions as he dropped you off. 

You didn’t remember doing it but you awoke with damp sheets and a bag by your bed. You rolled over, stiff from the night spent tense and rolling back and forth. It hadn’t really been sleep. More shock.

You laid there. Numb. You heard the gurgling again. Saw the lifeless black form of your father’s body in the dirt. It wasn’t real. You’d go downstairs and he’d be there. Once you put on the coffee he’d get up and demand a cup. It couldn’t be real.

You sat up and kicked the bag under your bed. You wore the grey dress with the pleats, a black sweater over it, with black stockings, and your mary janes. You descended the stairs one at a time and put the kettle on the stove. You stared out the window. It had snowed more in the last hours of the night.

You got out the tray of eggs and the sausages. You searched for the large skillet and Will walked in with a yawn. He was always the first up. You stared at him as he sat at the table. You tried to say something, maybe you said ‘good morning’, and then you went back to your work.

Arn and Cal came shortly after. None of the three mentioned your father’s absence. It wasn’t that unusual. Sometimes he drank too much, sometimes he had been up for hours or hadn’t slept at all. You served them and added the bacon grease to the jar of lard.

Where was he? He couldn’t be there. In the dirt. In his own blood. Dead. No, he was going to come right through that door.

You heard the tires before the knock. Your heart raced as reality closed in around you. Arn got up to answer it and came back with the sheriff. He didn’t even acknowledge you as he nodded at the men around the table.

“Pa’s not awake yet,” Will said and chewed the edge of a strip of bacon.

“Well, I think…” Bodecker hooked his thumb in his belt, his stomach sticking out awkwardly, “I think we need to talk about your pa. Can I sit?”

“Course, sir,” Cal said, “Should be enough fixins if you want some.”

“No, no thank you,” Bodecker sat heavily and sighed. He was an effective actor. “Look, your pa… well, we don’t know exactly what happened but… we all agree he must’ve been drunk.”

“What’s goin’ on?” Arn snipped, “What do you mean? Pa is here--”

“You remember when he went to bed last night?” Bodecker asked.

“Well…” Cal frowned and looked at his brother. “Well, I think I laid down before him.”

“Me too,” Arn said.

“I’m always the first asleep,” Will added. “Same with my sister.”

You gulped as the sheriff finally looked at you. “Well, you know we had them flyers around town for the longest time about the woods. About the criminals we got hangin’ around these days and there’s really no easy way for me to say it but it looks like your pa ran into one of them last night.”

“All the way out in the woods? But why?” Cal asked.

Arn’s nostrils flared as he shook his head. “Because he got no sense. You remember last summer. We found him face down in a bog out there. Took the three of us to get him out.”

“Yeah, but so late…”

“You know how he’s been since ma.” Will intoned.

You were dizzy. You grabbed onto the counter as your legs turned to liquid and you cried out. “No!” You fell to your knees and touched your forehead. You knew it was real, you’d seen it, but you had wanted so badly for it to have been a dream. A nightmare.

Will was the first at your side. Bodecker helped him lifted you back to your feet and get you to a chair. Arn and Cal watched in concern.

“You sure it was our pa?” Arn asked.

“I’ll save you the sight. I can assure you it’s him.” Bodecker said as he rubbed your shoulder and Will stood over you. “She should be fine. Get her some water. It’s the shock. You know the ladyfolk and their temperaments. They aren’t so equipped for things like this.”

“Any idea who? Why?” Arn prodded.

“Don’t think your pa had the sense to take his wallet but his belt buckle was gone and we can’t be sure what else they took,” Bodecker took your hand and caressed the back of it, “Honey, you drink tea? You want your brothers’ get you some?”

“I-- I--- You--You--” You stuttered.

“Come on, boys, let’s get her laying down,” Bodecker said as he stood. “She’s just havin’ a moment.”

Will and Cal lifted you out of the chair and carried you to the sofa in the front room. You were stiff as a board as they angled you onto the cushion and you could only babble at the ceiling.

“Go get that tea going, Will,” Bodecker ordered, “Cal, you go get her something to keep her warm.” Arn stood in the doorway and watched. “And Arn, get some wood for the fire. We should get it going.”

The boys dispersed as you laid across the couch. Bodecker touched your shoulder and you latched onto his wrist.

“You--” You hissed.

“Shhh, I only did what I had to. What you made me do,” he whispered, “‘cause you weren’t careful.”

You turned your head back and forth and squirmed. “No, no, no! You raped me! You killed my daddy!’

He covered your mouth and leaned over you. “Shut up! Shut up!” He sneered and his other hand went to your throat. “Now you got your clothes in a bag.” You nodded with wide eyes. “Good. I’m gonna take your brothers into town and you’re gonna burn them. Got it?” You nodded again. “And you’re gonna shut up.”

He released you roughly and stood as Cal came in with a blanket and tossed it over you. Bodecker helped straighten it and looked around.

“Think y’all should come back with me. We can get you sorted at the station then see about the caretaker.”

“All that already?” Arn asked.

“I ain’t rushing. Bodies don’t keep long, though. Investigations neither. We’ll get some statements from you boys and you’ll be free to choose what you wanna do from there.”

🚔

Will stayed home from school to keep watch over you. You didn’t know what was wrong with you. When your ma died, you didn’t feel this empty. You had cried for her, mourned for her. But now all you could do was sit there. Was it your fault? Even if Bodecker had pulled the trigger, you had brought your father there. You had been so concerned with keeping the sheriff from telling your secret, you had failed to hide it yourself.

Bodecker stopped by almost daily. He claimed it was to ask more questions or check on the family but you didn’t miss the way he looked at you. The way he made the excuse to be in the same room when he talked to your brothers. The way he shifted on his feet and peered around the house in silent triumph.

On the fifth day, you made Will go to school. He shouldn’t miss class because of you. He was the only one out of the boys who had ever read a book full through. So you saw them off, a proper breakfast for them for the first time since that horrifying morning, and you went about the list of undone chores.

You looked out the window at the shed. Your daddy never said much to you but you were used to his presence; the noise of his activity just outside. You couldn’t blame him for his faults, he’d fought a war, he’d worked hard, and he’d lost a wife. And now he was dead because of you.

You were scrubbing the floor when you heard the engine and the rubber treads on snow. You didn’t stop as you tried to scour away the salt stains and layer of dirt from the hallway. Boots clambered up the stairs and you kept your head down. 

No knock, no warning as Bodecker opened the door. You looked up at him as he kicked the snow off his feet.

“You’re up and about today,” he said in a pandering tone.

You said nothing and focused on your work. He took off his jacket and hung it on the rack in the corner. He wiped his boots on the mat and watched you. He hummed as he tapped his toe.

“I like that. You on all fours.” He taunted.

You sat back on your heels and dropped the rag in the bucket. “I got cleaning to do, Sheriff, and if you don’t recall, my daddy’s gone… for good.”

“Oh, I know it,” he said as you lifted the pail and he followed you to the kitchen. “But do you? Do you really know it?”

You dumped the water down the sink and plunked the empty bucket on the floor. “I know it and I know who done it. I saw you. How could you?”

“Your brother Arn’s gonna get the house in the will. He’ll be lookin’ for a wife soon. Means Cal’s gonna have to get his own place, take Will with him or get a wife of his own. And you? Where does that leave you?”

“There’s jobs for me out there, I can clean, I can cook,  I’m sure I could waitress,” you argued as you crossed to him. You grabbed his arms and tried to shove him. “Go. You don’t need to worry about me. I’d prefer it if you left me alone all together. You got what you wanted, Sheriff.”

“Not all of it,” he smirked. “You gonna drive yourself mad with all this.”

“What do you care?” You slapped his chest with both hands. “You don’t care about no one but you. You killed him!” You hit him again, “You killed him!”

He grabbed your upper arms and shook you. “You shut up about that now. You say anything again and you’ll be lyin’ beside him. If that ain’t enough, I’ll put your brothers there first.”

You reeled as if he’d slapped you. Your lip quivered and you sucked it in to keep from sobbing. “What do you want from me? I never wanted any of this.”

“You can’t know what you want, girl,” he wrenched you back and turned as he dragged you through to the living room. “So let me show you what you want. What your new daddy can do for you.”

“Get off of me!” You wrestled with him as he angled you around the couch. He shoved you and you fell back onto the cushions. “Leave me alone!”

He forced you back as you tried to stand and grabbed your chin. He squeezed as he looked down at you.

“Take them bloomers off now,” he ordered. “And hush your mouth.” You gaped up at him. He turned his hand and rested it against your cheek. “There’s one sure way to knock some sense into a woman,” he slapped you lightly, “You can decide if this lesson is an easy one or not.”

You sat back as you shrugged away his hand. You winced and lifted your pelvis and slipped off your underwear. As you did, your stockings bunched at your knees. Lee watched you with thick breath and purred. He knelt down and pushed your legs apart.

“Put your arms up. Just across the couch. Relax.” He directed as he got closer. “I wanna show you somethin’ makes the girls happy.”

“What are you--”

“You stop asking questions before I make it so you can’t. Now,” he squeezed your knees and his hands slipped up your thighs as he urged them further apart, “Just don’t think. Just sit there.”

He lifted your skirt over your head, one hand still on your legs. His warm breath tickled your pelvis and you squirmed. He pinched you and you exclaimed. You stilled and he slid his tongue down your cunt and poked between your folds. You choked on air as he dragged the tip of his tongue around your bud and your legs tense as your feet tried to arch in your flats.

He delved more firmly into your pussy and you grabbed onto the sofa. Your heart sped up and you pushed your pelvis out without thinking. You looked down at his head draped in your skirt as his mouth made sloppy noises. You felt a strange tingle as he kept on and your neck was pricked as you filled with guilt. It should feel good, whatever he was doing.

“Stop, please, Sheriff,” you begged.

He lapped hungrily as he ignored you and his hands gripped your hips. He pushed you into the couch as he devoured you and drew your pleasure to a point on his tongue. Your breath hitched and you moaned without thinking. You wanted him to stop but more, you wanted him to keep going.

And he did. He seemed to enjoy it just as much as your core pulsed. Your fingers dug into the cushion and your toes curled. You cried out, a voice that didn’t sound like yours, and rocked your pelvis against his face as you were overcome with delirium. You’d never felt so delicious.

Every ounce of strength drained from you. You panted as you slouched against the couch and he pulled away. Your skirt slipped from his head and his lips shone with your juices. He rubbed your legs and watched you writhe as your nerves were overwrought.

He stood with a grunt and unbuckled his belt. He licked his lips and tilted his head. “I knew you wanted me and now you know it too,” he said, “Now you show me that ass. You know I can’t resist.”

[mxvladdy]

Diavolo- True Form

Whoooooooo weeeee! ‘Pologies for the wait on these longer posts. I’ve been hit with a one two punch of house emergencies and sudden costly ass repairs, so my creative juices have been rightly squashed as of late.

Plus side I got my drawing tablet and drafting table back so I can neaten up my blog lay out now (yay!) 

Anyway this one was a challenge in the best possible ways. I really like Diavolo because of how little we know about him so it gave me some wiggle room. Or at least what I know of him- im only on like chapter 23 of the stories. Idk if I did him justice as this is angsty af but I sure had a blast writing it!

Hope ya like! Next up: Beelzebub 

Trigger warning: Mention of blood, and swearing. 

Diavolo-

He'll never show you, so don't ask. His true form is god-like in its own right and such knowledge, such truly raw demonic power in its natural form is not for your mortal eyes.

No matter what your lineage, it would break you. And despite his roles and being the literal devil, he doesn’t want you suffering.

Sometimes when he thinks you wouldn't notice he relaxes his hold on reality, just a fraction. He wants to relieve some of the tension that is always building just below the surface. Like closing your eyes when you have a tension headache. The mental energy he has to exert to keep face is enormous. Regular glamour doesn’t work nearly as well as his own, or Barbato’s magic.

But you see hints during your downtime spent in his company. A ripple in his reflection on the window pane. Unexplainable shadows dancing across his exposed skin. Too many teeth in his mouth when he laughs. Sometimes when you stare into his eyes you see something indescribable staring back behind them. His usually warm and inviting gaze darkening. A barest flicker, a hulking bestial thing kept locked behind in his golden gaze. It's enough to freeze the blood in your veins.

On certain nights when you can slip away from the brothers you stay in his room. Lying  awake, you watch his magic wane and shift as he slumbers. Sometimes you see runes, or at times letters. You are tempted to write them down and ask Solomon. But something stops you each time.

The worst images are the faces. Unknown souls trapped beneath his flesh clawing to be freed. Silent screams fading back into his body as he dreams. Your fragile fingers trace the patterns they leave as you wait for the next day wrapped in his embrace.

Only once have you seen more of his form then he would ever wish. The depths of his strength and mental fortitude were unknown to you so the slip up took you both by surprise. He masks the error well, but the sudden shift in energy in the room couldn’t be suppressed .

You are suddenly so aware of the oppressive weight of gravity on your frame. Your bones grinding together under the force of his aura. You panic, desperate by the need to breathe, but are unable to draw even the smallest bit of oxygen as it is robbed from the room. Time and reality wrapped too, distorting in ways only you thought only Barbatos could do. You knew in that moment the sudden dread of death, how mortally was but a rusty shackle tethering you down.

He collects himself, dispelling the energy and locking his glamour down tight to protect you. But that split second of fury felt like an eternity to you as you sink to the floor. You hiccup a shaky sob and shiver. Your fragile human mind bowing under the strain of what it cannot comprehend. Scolding hot tears fall from your cheeks, before splashing crimson the stone below you.

You didn't approach him again for over a month. No matter how strong you are, some things were better off unseen.

Mini Fic

He didn’t know. For once in his ancient pitiful existence, he had been unaware of his surroundings. It had been for just a moment, one tiny crack in his veneer. The foolishness of Mammon and Belphegor’s actions finally poked the right nerve. He wouldn’t hurt them, for Lucifer’s sake. That prideful demon would never forgive him if he did. But he could scare them. A quick look at his true self; a flash of the deepest bowels of hell. Enough to give them a reminder of their positions and standing in his court. He had expected their whimpers of fear, could taste the acidic tinge of it exuding from their pores. What he didn’t expect though was your blood curdling screams alongside.

Ironically, he would have to thank the second eldest later. His fast thinking is the only thing that saved you from complete damnation. His body shielded yours, taking the brunt of the stronger daemons hellish might for you. What little magic Mammon still had left used to protect you. Though, while your vision was blocked, you could still feel his oppressive presence. It racked your mortal flesh. Diavolo knew what affects his power had on humans. He spent years breaking and consuming damned souls with zeal after all.

The brothers had run from him after that, screaming for Simone. Barbatos following close behind, a look of consternation on his usually impassive face. You had been so limp in Mammon's arms. Diavolo could do nothing, shocked by his own weak will and realization that he might have ruined everything. You had been whisked away so quickly by his faithful servant and the brothers that he hadn’t had a chance to look you over himself. But the brief moment he saw will haunt him for years to come. Your eyes red from the sudden haemolacria, the blood staining your clothes and face. Your fingers digging away at your soft skin, black and purple blotches staining what he could see. Mouth opened wide on a silent scream. He knew what you must have seen. The souls of the damned trapped under his glamour breaking free to latch on to your unmarred soul trying to drag you back with them.

Against his butler's advice he stands at your door now days later trying to see you. He couldn’t sit around and just hear updates second hand. The brothers had been keeping guard most days in a valiant attempt to keep him away. But he could only be waylaid for so long before he used his rank against them.

He had arranged a full council meeting. Every one of the brothers knowing full well it was to get them out of his way. Yet, the order was absolute. This time none of the brothers could reject it. Barbatos would keep them in that room for eternity if he so wished for it. He hated using his age and power against them, but he saw no other way to get to you.

It was foolish now, standing as he was in front of your door. A part of him hoping you would turn the knob and let him in. Let him comfort you for once, instead of the asinine distractions the brothers offered. He could help too. Hells, he wanted to. He wanted to be closer to you. Power discrepancy be damned. The other part of him knowing it was for the best that you didn’t. Your guardian and tormentor all in one. He listens to your muffled sobs for a moment fighting with his feet to stay cemented to the floor instead of heading back in defeat.  

"When my father was still around he took me down to the deepest depths of the kingdom. Where the worst of the traitors and sinners are imprisoned." His deep baritone rumbles through your door during a break in your crying. "It’s a place few seldom go; even now I have yet to return. Back then he told me ‘there will never be a human soul that is undeserving of punishment. Even the ones destined for the celestial realm are tethered to sin.’ At that time I believed him. The things I saw in your realm... " The prince chuckles wearily.

He remembers the ever present scowl on the old King's face. His dark eyes looking out at the sea of damned souls he controlled. Even as a young daemon, fresh into his wings and still sharpening his horns to impress others he could tell how much his father detested his position. How it had warped him, turning him bitter and cold, even to his mate and only child.

Diavolo never wanted to be like that. Not to the ones he supposedly cared for at the very least. "I think that is why he hated the other realms so much.” He continued. “Humans, for their ability to choose which realm they would eventually end up in after they pass. That even the worst sinners could find redemption enough at the last moment to get to the pearly gates. While daemons, no matter how well they served, or the duties they did for the good of their own would never be seen as equals to our celestial counterparts or yours. That this existence is all we'll ever be destined to have. Nightmares and monsters, stories to tell little human children to keep them in line.” He pauses, collecting himself. “I believed wholeheartedly that every human deserved the punishments only my kind could dowel out. But, in this past year I have spent with you, I find myself changing. You are so undeserving of such torment. Somehow you are understanding and forgiving beyond measure to us. You handle our ill tempers with such grace. For daemons such as us, it is staggering, and humbling. I regret that I have hurt you so deeply and have broken your trust. I swear it as the head of this realm I would never intentionally do so." He looks at the door handle willing it to open. " I am so sorry."

Your crying picks up again. Huge heaving sobs that rattle your chest. Great Father, he just keeps making it worse. Clearing his head Diavolo turns.

Rejection of this nature was new to him. No one had ever dared to ignore him, especially such as this. The royal in him- his father's blood- seethed that he would even stoop so low as to grovel to a short lived thing like yourself. Even deeper yet, it demanded another taste of your essences. You little soul kept safe behind your rib cage. He wanted it added to his collection, kept tucked away deep within his maws.

It was sick; it was wrong. He chokes on the idea. The intrusive thought burrowing deep. How deplorable was he? Perhaps the angels were right to keep him out of heaven.

You didn't show to class the following day, or the days after. Unsurprising to him and the seven of the inner council. He figured the other day wouldn’t change anything. But it was utter agony to him. These days trapped in his office only getting short and curt updates on your health from Lucifer. It had been a special kind of torment.

Today he sat once again at his desk staring at some godforsaken bitching of a royal cousin. He knew this whelp. Some backwater thrice removed eons ago. Yet he was demanding an audience? The gall. The ink of their eligible handwriting makes him cross eyed. Would this day ever cease? He looks to his hourglass, the sands within seemingly frozen in time.

"My Lord, perhaps you should take a moment to stretch your legs?" Barbatos moved from his corner. Gloved hand coming to rest on top of the same three lines he had been reading for the past two hours. "This work could wait another evening I’m certain ."

"Did I do the right thing my friend?" Diavolo doesn't even bother answering the question his servant posed. They both knew he wouldn't. "This program. Our human exchange students. Solomon is one thing, but-"

"Your will and path is absolute." Barbatos states. "There are no mistakes within you, merely stumblings onto different paths."

With a gentle push Barbatos moves the hulking demon out of his way to collect and organize the scrolls and letters scattered about the large desk. "You made the right choice bringing them here. Look at what they have done. They are entertainment to you are they not?"

The prince rose knocking his desk aside and descended on his butler. His true form out in all its unholy glory now. His highly condensed magic distorting the study as if he was a black hole. The axis of the room shifts. His priceless collection of books and toys disintegrating from the cold radiation he emits.

It was all for show really. There was nothing he could do to an ancient being such as Barbatos. So he lashed out, throwing a tantrum in the security of his office. The hopeless agitation he felt fueling the flames of his rage. His butler had only added holy water to his already festering wounds.

Barbatos had been by his side for time in memoriam. The crafty bastard had helped raise him. Had shaped him into the ruler he was today. If anyone could break and remold him it would be his oldest companion.

The dark haired daemon waited for the waves of agitation to dry up. Moving only when the prince was in his more presentable demonic form. Large barrel chest heaving as he reined himself in. “Are you back to your senses?” He asks coolly, already categorizing the items to replace and furniture to be mended.

"I had not meant for it to go like this."  Diavolo croaks into his hands collapsing back on what remained of his desk. Building a bridge between realms, yes. That noble idea was the greater purpose of this program, but the rest of it. The classes, and dances. The parties where he threw his newest toys about to see how they would react to things other mortals worshiped? That had been for his own curiosity and amusement. Lesser beings navigating a foreign world blind to the dangers that were right under their very nose. Bring a mortal with no magic into his realm? Deep down he knew this was an inevitability. Especially with the freedoms he granted them. He just didn’t think he would get so attached.

“No one believes that you would hurt them on purpose.” His butler cuts off his downward spiral. “It would ruin the program. That is what you are so stressed about, right?” Barbatos eyes him skeptically. Diavolo, himself, and Lucifer had spent many sleepless weeks constructing and negotiating this program. If the Arch Angels heard a mortal was hurt down here it could very well end this little escapade. But the look in the prince’s eyes told a different story.

A warm glow emanated from his cheeks and he was unable to meet the old daemon’s gaze. Ah. "Or perhaps things have changed?" Barbatos smiles coyly up from beneath his bangs. "You are your mother's son after all. Neither of you were ever able to stem your bleeding hearts for long." Diavolo squawked indignantly but didn’t argue. Instead he merely turns a darker shade of red and curses under his breath.

He skipped out on court that evening. Not that he cared much. The other nobles would no doubt use the time to gossip about his whereabouts and uncouth behavior of late. Truth be told, he was avoiding the brothers more than anything else. They had made it expressly clear (some more then others) how they felt about him currently. He wouldn't doubt that Belphegor had a few more brothers on his side now.

Instead he stood at your door once more with a tea tray in hand. He had bumped into Simone on the way. The angel had come to bring you dinner and to check up on the last of your wounds. Celestial magic worked miracles on those who have been touched by the darker arts. Diavolo was grateful for his talents. And, by some miracle, Simone had made it abundantly clear he was not going to bring this to the higher ups on his end either.

Upon seeing the prince slinking up the house's stairwell the other man had simply smiled and offered him the tray. “I suddenly got a message from Luke. Could you perhaps drop this by our friend’s door?” Diavolo had accepted without preamble, large hands dwarfing the platter of little tea cakes and sandwiches. The young cherubs work no doubt. His cooking was a fine treat, and a great incentive to at least open the door.

“Hello again.” He knocks twice. “I just wanted to check in on you. I know I am the last person you wish to see but I was hoping to talk?” Silence greets him. Were you awake? He breathes deeply and focuses on picking up your vitals. You were up, your heart thumping steady somewhere in the room. That was good. “I also have dinner for you. Simone had an urgent matter to attend to so he- for better or worse- entrusted this to me.”

Diavolo searches hopelessly for something else to say. He couldn’t just leave the food and go. He needed to see you. “I don’t plan on staying long today. I understand when I am not wanted, but I cannot help myself but be worried for you. Perhaps this is just me contritioning, because I know I caused this. The amount of times I have been called a ‘ass’ by Solomon over this have been staggering.” He rambles. After another bout of silence from your end he coincides. “I see- I will leave the food by the door and let you rest.” Defeated he puts the food down and turns to leave.

The door clicks open slowly. One bloodshot eye peeking through the crack. “Oh mio piccolo mortale.” He loses his grip on your shared tongue at a loss. You looked- you must have been in the hall longer then he or the brothers had known. Such damage couldn’t be done in a few moments. Your skin was healing as nicely as Lucifer had said, but the deep purple scarring still remained on the surface. The burn pattern of it all was random. Twisting wounds that reflected an oily sheen from the light of the hallway. “I-.”

“I know-” You cut him off with a raised hand. “and I feel as though I owe you an apology too.” Your voice was so weak and shaky. A mockery of your normally strong and jovial tone. Hearing you laugh at school had brightened the dreary halls. He hadn’t realized it until you weren't there.

“You owe me nothing.” Diavolo says in earnest. He watches you contemplate your next words before throwing whatever you were going to say away.

“Would you like to come in?” Your eyes drop to the tray. “Luke always makes more than I can eat.”

“I don’t think that would be wise.” He backs out. All his plans crashing and burning around his feet. His actions had been irreparable.

“Perhaps not,” You open the door wider taking the tray and heading to your side table, leaving him no room to argue. “But then again, being a lamb among such wolves as yourself and the brothers isn’t smart either.” You meant it as a joke but he couldn’t even muster a chuckle. It was true. Gods. “Dia-” You approach him again but falter at the last second.

As much as you wanted to be close to him again the memories were still so fresh in your mind. The cold hell fire of his magic ensnaring you, searing your skin. The whispered words of sinners long since past still echoing in your head, all in languages you’ve never heard before. The worst though had to be the screaming. Lost souls begging for help. Some sounded so familiar…You shutter involuntarily.

You wanted to hate him for this. Curse him for putting you through this pain. But how much could you blame him? Or any of them? They were daemons. Whether he meant to hurt you or not, it truly had only been a matter of time before it happened. It would be hypocritical of you to fear or hate him forever over this. Six of the seven brothers have threatened your life before, and you have forgiven them. Hell, one of them actually killed you. What’s more was that Diavolo’s wrath hadn’t even been directed at you.

Wrong place at the right time; seemed to be your forte. “Please, come in.” You repeat again firmer than before mustering up either courage or sheer human stupidity to order him in. You couldn’t tell the difference anymore. “We need to talk.”  

He enters, following at your heel like a lost puppy. All air of princedom gone as you clicked the door shut. Diavolo fiddles with his hands, old habits from childhood coming with his nerves. He didn’t know what to expect anymore. Yelling? Some kind of beratement? A plea to go home and never look back?  He would let you.

You pass by him, giving him a large berth of space to get to your seat. “Tea?”  

Diavolo jerks his head to you. He had forgotten momentarily the plate of food he had used to get access to you. You smile sheepishly pushing it and a plate of sweets towards him with your unbandaged knuckles. He doesn’t move till your hand retracts back to your lap. You jerk your head to the open seat waiting for him. You weren’t going to take no for an answer.

“I- thank you.” The daemon sits making himself as small as possible in the straight back chair. He takes the porcelain and drinks mindlessly. The scalding hot tea doing little to help the tightness of his throat, but it did thaw some of the ice in his mind.

“Are-how…” He fumbles so unsure of what to do next. “I see you’ve been keeping up with your school work.” Diavolo closes his eyes, wincing internally at his words. That’s what he comes up with? Idiotic.

You smile anyway, eyeing the massive pile of books and paperwork spewn about your bed. “Yeah. I’ve taken to doing my school work with Levi in his room. Mammon and Beel are nice enough to drop it off to the teachers when they are due.” He nods. He knew this of course. But it was nice to hear it from you. But yet, you don’t meet his eyes. Far too afraid to see what hid behind them.

The thought of being dragged back into those dark depths again makes your pulse quicken. You instead stare at your nail beds, finding them more interesting. They were purple now. The nails stained black by the contact with his magic. “Will- will that go away?” He asks. Demonic curses or taints were nigh impossible to remove fully. Disgustingly, he hoped they didn’t. Then your nails would match his. The darker depths of his soul coo at the idea, happy that in a small way every daemon would know your his. Not as good as a pact, but as close as he could get to being a part of your little mortal life.

“I’m not sure.” You reply honestly bringing your hands up to place them on the table. “Simone and Solomon have done what they could. But, it is as good as it’s going to get for now. They say it could fade with time.” You look up at him, eyes gazing to the left of his face. “Luke thinks I should see a stronger angel.” Diavolo winces, the thought stung, and terrified him. “I told him no.”

That surprised him. This was your chance. The celestial realm had been skeptical from the beginning. If they knew, it would be a perfect caveat for them to step in. “Why?” Finally you look at him. The fear was still there. Hesitation evident in your eyes. Yet you forced yourself to look at him, fighting through your trepidation.

“Did you mean what you said earlier? About your father and what you think of me?”

“Of course.” He replies without hesitation reaching for your cold hands. You flinch but don’t move away. It felt-nice. His warmth chasing away the perpetual chill that covered your fingertips. Idly you stroke his strong hands with your thumbs.

“Then, I think we can work on this privately.” Slowly but surely you felt like you could fix this. Not for the program, but for yourself.  

[forbiddenfantasies1]

J/B Smut Swap Fic Recs, Take 2

Well my plan to have all my @jb-smut-swap fic recs on one post was an epic fail so like Whitesnake once said, here I go again. Maybe this one will be shorter and I can wrap it up in one post. I make no promises. The last time I promised to keep something short, it didn't go well. I'll demonstrate my self-awareness and put them under the cut. Shocker...there will be a Part 3.

Binary Explosive for jencat, rated E. This was one of the first fics I read in the exchange, and this thing has stuck with me. It has all the tropes I love...established relationship, battle couple, Brienne being competent AF, and Jaime wanting to fuck her even more because of it. The tension in this, both between them and between them and the literal bomb strapped to them, is so damn good. The knife scene made me want to buy my husband one so I could make him strap it to his inner thigh. The whole time I was reading it, I kept thinking "I need yall to stop being so horny so you don't die but also maybe shift on his thigh a bit more, Brienne." The banter, the history, and the smoking hot sex scene make this one a must-read.

Lines that will live in my head forever: This was a hard choice because honestly the whole thing is so damn tense and horny I could quote the entire thing to you, but I'm going with: “Nearly there,” he rasps and she tries not to think of any other time he's moaned that against her skin. Not that it's any less intoxicating to feel his cock jutting heavy between her legs--the thin cotton khakis Samwell had had them both wear to make them look slightly less threatening leave little to the imagination when they're so close together. And her imagination doesn't need much help when she knows so well how Jaime feels buried deep inside her cunt.

“Is this enough?” It's more a plea than a question, but instead of answering Jaime moves between the arch of her legs in response. Brienne has to press her lips tightly together to hold back an inappropriate noise. His hand slides between them, his wrist pressing against her cunt, and she's certain he can feel how wet and ready she is for him through the fabric.

The beeping picks up.

And author, if you see this, what do you want for the boat fic? Tell me.

Good Long Line of Praises for KayJayTeal, rated E. One of the very best things this fandom has done is to fully adopt the idea that Jaime is always putting his mouth to work, whether it's by talking shit, being charming, or going down on Brienne (as she deserves!). In this fic, Brienne tries to flip it on him by talking to him throughout sex, and they realize that Jaime has a praise kink. It just gets hotter and hotter, and eventually they reach what turns out to be the words that really push his buttons (I'm not gonna tell you, go read it). If you like dirty talk, then this is the fic for you, but be prepared to also be slapped in the face with some deeply authentic intimacy and heart. Another one in the Smut Swap that manages to be stupidly hot and still so tender all at once.

Words that will live in my head forever: Look this entire story is full of words, spoken and unspoken, that made me want to smush my face into a pillow. But I'm gonna go with: Sometimes they are so caught up in the moment, desperate and needy for each other, they only catch glimpses of each other, an encouraging smile here, hooded eyes there. Often Brienne is so consumed by the way he kisses her, touches her, that she curls her body towards him and buries her face in his shoulder as her thighs clutch him, but tonight, she makes a conscious effort to watch him as they move together. It surprises her how intently he looks at her, how much it moves her to catalogue all of his grunts, his hums of pleasure.

“I like seeing you like this,” her voice fades a little on the last part, momentarily overwhelmed at how responsive he is to her, how he looks at her with such awe. “You’re doing so well for me.”

This wasn't my gift but it felt like one for me.

Diplomatic Relations for wildlingoftarth, rated E. You know how you can go to Epcot and Eat Around the World? This is that but the world is the Seven Kingdoms, and Jaime is snacking on Brienne. Okay not each kingdom is noted by the presence of Jaime Lannister, Oral Enthusiast, but you won't ever convince me that's not happening amidst all the fucking. They're ripping pillows, alarming Sweetrobin, and generally trying not to scandalize the entire population of Westeros as they fuck all over it during their diplomacy trip. This story is just fun from start to finish and even with all the non-stop fucking, what really shone through for me is just how much they like each other.

Lines that will live in my head forever: Again, the options are endless, but let's go with: Jaime threw his head back and his moan was once again muffled. Now she understood what Jaime so enjoyed in teasing her. But she would go about driving him crazy a different way. Her way.

She shifted her legs, knees and hips until she was comfortable, reveling in the way his throat moved with every swallow he took as they moved against one another. Then, Brienne leaned down and whispered low into his ear, “Remember to practice your discretion, my lord.”

She grabbed a pillow to muffle her own cries of pleasure, then began riding him at a punishing pace and nearly preened in satisfaction when she felt the vibration of his choked moans against her palm.

If you're looking for lots of sex mixed in with laughter, this is the fic for you.

Trust Me With You for LadyRhiyana, rated E. This is another one that I read super early but it has stuck with me. Was it the mention of the Elliot Ness suit? Was it canon adapted to a more modern setting? Was it Jaime misunderstanding why Brienne wanted to meet him in the library? It was probably all of the above, plus the lines I'll share below. I don't know if a memo went out about fingers being used to fuck my entire world up, but if so let's keep it going. I've thought about that scene more than once since reading it and will undoubtedly keep thinking about it for quite some time.

Lines that will live in my head forever: I mean it's clearly the finger part. CLEARLY. Here read it with me and then go read the entire fic because it's all that good: “In just a little bit, my cock is going to be in here.” He pressed one of her fingers inside, and while she wasn’t a complete innocent—she’d heard plenty of talk among men and occasionally between women to know what the act itself involved—she was still shocked at the intrusion.

Shocked that it was her hand there, doing this, with Jaime beside her, and then one of his fingers slid inside, joining hers, and she gasped again.

“I’m going to make this good for you,” he promised as his finger slid out only to press back in. She caught onto this and her finger moved in time with his as she spread her legs wider. “Touch yourself, Brienne.”

Jesus, I got pissed off all over again. Fuck this scene so much.

Apart, Together, Together Apart for potato_writes, rated E. This story. Holy shit. Excuse me author I signed up to read dirty smut, not be left with a flood of emotions. This story punched me right in the heart, but in the good way if that makes sense. Jaime is King Tommen's Lord Commander and Brienne is the Evenstar, and when he comes to Tarth or she ventures into Kings Landing, they are lovers. In this fic, they have a week together and it is both so, so hot and so, so poignant.

Lines that will live in my heart forever: God I almost picked one of the soft lines because some of them really fucked me up, but since it's a Smut Swap, I'm sticking to the smut: He’s sprawled on her bed, naked as his nameday, waiting. She stops dead in the entrance and then hastily slams the door. His legs are spread. He smiles lazily, his hand moving slowly up and down on his cock, not chasing release but keeping himself hard for her. She is instantly flushed red. Jaime is here, in my bed waiting for me. Wanting me.

“Come here,” he says, his voice soft and deep. “Do you like what you see?”

She nods, her eyes wide. She tries to regain some of her composure. “The last time I unexpectedly found a man in my chamber he was cleaning the chimney. That was very useful.”

“But not nearly as decorative, I’d imagine.”

Read this one but be prepared to have feelings when you do.

[your-local-vamp]

I disappeared off of the face of the earth for a while, but I’m back ya’ll!! I need to get used to the whole writing and then posting it thing haha. Anyway! I’ve had this idea for a really long time, but was very much procrastinating on writing it. Whoops. But here it is! It’s honestly mostly focused on the whole conflict within the vampire’s mind. I like to show different sides of them. My last one was straight up a stalker, but this one is a liiiiiiitle different, you’ll see :)! I need to shut up before I spoil the entire thing out of excitement lol. Oh and also! I finally took it upon myself to research how I can write better, make it easier to read and stuff. So if there are some errors or if anyone has advice for me, please do leave a comment! Also also, I have a habit to listen to badass vibe songs while writing/reading, so if you’re interested in some recommendations, hit me up! Okay that’s really it. Have fun reading!

Again, this story contains some explicit themes (blood, character death, overall just being angsty af) so make sure to check the tags before reading!

—————

Running From Death

I once again find myself drinking in the bar located a few blocks from my apartment. That intoxicated feeling I get after a few glasses is amazing to me. It’s pleasant to feel good for a change.

Being here also allows me to converse with the humans. Which is… Interesting to say the least. Their different personalities, lifestyles, stories. I happen to eavesdrop into conversations from time to time, which results in me hearing the most outrageous stories sometimes. May they be true or not, they interest me.

I try not to attract too much attention to myself, but I fail in doing so most of the time. Blame it on my charismatic vampire looks, I guess. Humans often strike conversations with me, but I’m not one to complain. I like talking to them when I get the opportunity.

The bell attached to the front door rings. A woman enters the bar. “Oh god, it’s her again,” someone in one of the booths behind me sighs. Hmm, must be a regular. I come here embarrassingly often, enough to call myself a regular as well, but I haven’t seen her before. She’s very handsome looking.

My hand covered with a leather glove tightens around the whiskey glass.

“Control yourself, please. You’ve practiced this many times before.”

It repeats in my head over and over again. Unfortunate things usually happen when I’m drunk. It saddens me, because I wish to not hurt anyone. I was a human once too. And I want to remember the memories from back then. Try to do ‘human’ things. But it’s hard, especially with-

“Hey, how are ya doing?” A voice interrupts my intrusive thoughts.

I look up and see the handsome woman sitting on a stool next to me. Her voice is lively and confident. But it’s probably just the liquor talking.

“Just thinking.”

“Abouuuuut?”

Oh god. She’s totally wasted. I now notice that she can barely even sit up straight without falling over. I can’t help but smile at her actions though, it’s almost endearing in a way.

“Just contemplating life, really.”

“I came here to do the exact same thing!” the woman says.

“How so?” I ask, now completely interested in her story.

“Ugh, where do I even start? My shitty boss fired me today. And you know what the most fucked up part about it all is? The fact that I’ve been working there for years! I did so much for his company, but he decides to just fire me, because ‘he’s gotta cut some people down’. So, I came here to drink my sorrows away. Well, I may have already visited two other bars, so I’m kinda far gone already haha.” The woman keeps on rambling, without actually making eye contact with whom she’s talking to. But I happen to listen to every single word.

“Why did he have to cut people off?” I question the woman.

“Pfshh, I don’t even know. Not enough money, I guess. He could’ve fired literally anyone else, but-“ she interrupts her own sentence, while her eyes make contact with the bartender, “-Hey! Can I have uhhhh. Whatever he has?” she finishes, while she absentmindedly points at my own drink.

She seems to have forgotten what she was talking about before, she’s just staring at the bartender until her drink is ready.

“And what’s your excuse for being here?” she asks, while taking a sip of her whiskey.

“Just taking a break from drinking blood and killing people.”

Well, that’s what I should’ve said if I really wanted to be honest. But being honest isn’t my reality. Lying has become my forte over the many years I have been a vampire. I don’t exist in the eyes of humans. And it should stay that way.

“Just taking a break from life.”

Yeah, that should do it.

“I come over here to share my entire life story, and all you’ve got for me is that? Damn.”

Or not.

“My life is really not that interesting,” I quickly add, trying not to blow my cover.

She takes an observing look at me. I have never felt so uncomfortable in my entire existence. She gives me the feeling like she can look right through my lies. “Hahaha, I’m just messin’ with ya. I don’t like to pry into people’s lives like that anyway,” the woman smiles.

Phew, I barely got away with that one. I return a signature smile to her. The one that makes everyone all the more invested in me, it seems.

*a few hours later*

The handsome stranger and I have been talking for hours. I lost track of time a while ago. Talking, or rather listening to her, reminds me of my human days. I used to help my elder neighbors with chores around the house, but ended up listening to them for hours and hours. I knew that when I had finished the chores, there would be a nice hot cup of tea and cookies waiting for me. The elder couple loved to share their stories with me. I know now that most of them were of pure fantasy, but at that time they were something I would so eagerly wait for to hear.

This woman gives me that feeling of nostalgia. The excitement of finally hearing the story I have longed for. It’s odd, since I have only met her a few hours ago. But somehow I feel like I’ve known her for a really long time.

“Nghn, my head hurts…” She snaps me out of my thoughts. “Woah there, don’t fall off that stool now,” I say, while carefully taking a step towards her. “C-Can you take me home?”

I look at her with disbelief.

Did she really just ask me to walk her home?

“U-Uh, I can call a cab for you? Or ask one of your friends to come pick you up maybe? I’m sure that-“

“Please.”

She looks at me with eager eyes. Her intention is really for me to take her home. If only she knew what I really am. I sigh. “Let me go to the toilet first, then I’ll walk you home.” I finally surrender to the human.

The entire way to the toilet I ask myself what I’m getting myself into. I shouldn’t be doing this, I know that all too well. But I can’t just keep hiding my true feelings all the time. I want to live amongst humans. I know that we can coexist. As long as I control myself, everything will be fine.

I sigh, take my gloves off and use the toilet. My head is suddenly throbbing like hell. I can feel that my body is trying to fight the urge to kill every single soul in this bar. Everything spins.

Shit.

“Hey, you ready or not? I feel like puking!” I hear the woman urgently knocking on the door. “Y-Yeah, I’ll be out in a sec!” I shout back.

I quickly finish and go back to the bar. “Let’s go,” we hurriedly exit the bar. She does so, because she needs to get home asap. And I do so, because of obvious reasons.

I can feel that I’m starting to lose control. It was a mistake drinking this much. I’m usually okay with drinking a few glasses, but this woman has a certain effect on me. And it’s not a positive one. Not while I’m drunk, at least.

The woman is currently walking behind me, laughing at her own jokes. All I want right now is to drop her off as fast as I can.

“Ah, shit!” I hear a loud thud.

I look back and see that she is now sitting on the cold concrete.

“What happened?” I ask, clearly concerned.

The woman shakes her head. “I’m so clumsy, I literally just stumbled over my own feet haha.”

God, we’re never going to get anywhere like this. “Oh nooo! My new pants! Ugh, this stuff always happens to me.”

I take a quick look at her leg and notice that the fabric is ripped open. She took a great fall apparently, otherwise that wouldn’t have happened.

“Damn, I’m bleeding too.”

That’s all she had to say to make my eyes turn red and making my fangs expose themselves. I quickly turn around, hoping that she didn’t notice my weird behavior already.

“Are you okay…?” she asks, proving my thoughts wrong. I disregard her question and return it with my own.

“Is it bad?”

I don’t know why I’m asking her that. No matter of how bad it is, the mere smell of her blood is driving me insane. All I can think about is that right at this moment.

“Uhm, no I think that I’m okay.” I can hear that she’s getting up and has started to walk towards me.

“Please, don’t come any closer.” I say this with a serious tone, hoping that she’d cease to move instantly.

“What’s wrong? It’s not even that bad.”

Fuck fuck fuck.

I can’t hold the urge back anymore. I never want to hurt humans, but I also can’t forget of who I have become. I’m a vampire. To stay alive, I need blood. Alcohol has terrible effects on me.

It’s like drinking water with salt in it. You’re drinking, but it worsens your thirst because of the salt. Alcohol only enhances my thirst for blood. I’m learning the consequences of that now.

The woman has come even closer to me. I turn around, only to see a reached out hand with blood on it. I try to fight the dark side of me with everything I have. That side of me gives in, eventually. I resist the urge and grab her wrist, only to warn her to stop.

However, this action suffers a great consequence. The woman looks at me. The white of her eyes turn dark red.

Wait… I look at my hand, having a firm hold on her wrist.

“My gloves!” is all I can utter at this moment.

I have forgotten my gloves in the toilet area. How can I be so stupid… I’m unable to touch any living being with my bare hands. If I do so, it dies. Everything I touch turns into dust. It’s a curse I have carried with me ever since I turned. It has barely posed as a problem the last few years. But I… I touched her without gloves on.

“W-Wait. No. I’m sorry, please!” I beg for my actions to reverse themselves. But what happened cannot be undone.

The woman’s eyebrows furrow and her eyes look back into mine, filled with betrayal. “H-How cou-ld y-ou,” she chokes on her own blood. She is in immense pain, I can tell. I let go of her hand, terrible guilt now washing over me.

She takes a look at her shaking hand, which gets covered with popping veins inch by inch. The sounds coming from her are agonizing. She stumbles backwards, now nearing her end. Tears roll down my cheek, as I carry her.

“I’m so sorry. I didn’t know my gloves were…” I’m unable to finish my sentence, as my non beating heart breaks seeing her mouth all covered in blood clots.

It’s ironic, really. I was barely able to resist the smell of her blood before, but now even though I’m covered with it, I don’t seem to mind.

Her body shivers uncontrollably, until it stops moving at all. I hold her limp body, watching my tears fall on her veiny cheek.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry,” I keep repeating it, somewhere having a wishful thought that I could go back before all of this happened.

But her body stays unmoving. I scream and I scream, all of my human feelings washing over me now. This shouldn’t have happened. My ignorance allowed this to take place. And I will never forgive myself for it.

I hear sounds of a crowd nearing by. In total panic, I let go of her body and hide in a nearby alleyway. I crouch and hold my hands over my own ears, trying to ignore the screams that are coming from the spot where I just killed a human. The tears are now streaming down, my thoughts racing. What have I done? I should’ve never went to that bar in the first place.

Fuck, I need to get out of here before they find me. I try to leave the guilt there and run from myself as fast as I can. I am a monster. And no matter how hard I cling on to the little humanity I’ve got left, I will always remain one.

[mayflowers07]

While getting very drunk on Valentine’s Day because he is lonely, Deception “Deceit” Sanders drank:

Shots of whiskey

Shots of scotch

Shots of vodka

Numerous beers throughout the day

Numerous beers chugged after walking in on some inappropriate activities he wishes he could unsee

And a cocktail of many dangerous and illegal drugs given to him by Remus

And then retold

The Drunk History of Sanders Sides

Deceit: It’s the winter of 2016...

Roman appears in Virgil’s first video and is like “Yo, I don’t like you”

And Virgil’s like, “Yo, I don’t like you even more!”

“That’s impossible... Do you wanna have an enemies to friends to lovers relationship?”

And Virgil’s like “... yeah... that’s cool.”

And then he’s like “Yo, this is a video about lying to yourself, where’s Deceit?”

And then Logan and Patton have a video together. And Patton’s already adopting Virgil as his and Logan’s kid. Logan is roleplayin’ Sherlock for some fuckin’ reason!

And Virgil keeps showing up in videos for some reason! They start hangin’ out all together. And they're like “Oh, let’s have some fuckin’ name reveals, bitch!” It was like, Logan and fuckin’ Roman and fuckin’ Patton!

Logan said to Virgil, “Yo, we gotta change this shit up! Yo, we’ve already established prinxiety and logicality; let’s get some shit from analogical.”

And so Roman and Patton are like “Yo, that’s dope. But we need Anxiety’s name!” Because Virgil’s still playin’ villain and he needs a redemption arc!

Virgil’s like “Yo! I got character development!”

And they're like “Wait, how do you have character development?”

And he’s like “Yo, watch this: I've always aimed to protect you, but lately... It feels like I've been keeping you from doing anything.”

And they’re like “Oh my god! That sounds like character development!” So they did the arc and Roman confessed his feeling and it was like “You make us...better.”

And then they’re like: “Yo, that's fuckin’ perfect. This is famIlY.” And they made fun group content like, Gryffindor Roman, Ravenclaw Logan, Hufflepuff Patton, and Slytherin Virgil. Everyone is in a Hogwarts house, everybody loves it.

Virgil, correcting Deceit off camera: Dee, I never picked a house. That was the whole point.

Deceit, ignoring Virgil: Virgil the Slytherin! Virgil the Huffleclaw!

Virgil is a motherfuckin’ Divergent, and it's real and it doesn't matter.

And Patton talked to everyone and he was like “Yo, what the FUCK! Yo, my character arc is gonna be fuckin’ DOPE!”

So Patton was real sad and angsty for a while, and it was called: Nostaligia Part One and Two.

They didn’t mention the dark sides! They waited like three or four episodes for a dark side to show up.

The four episodes were like: Purple Isn’t A Hogwarts House, I Wonder If We Should Listen To Logan More, Oh Fuck We Should… The fourth one was like a LAMP Christmas musical or something.

And they were like, “Yo, we need Deceit. Deceit. Pretend to be Patton. Fuckin' do it.” And I did it, and I killed it.

I was like, tell the child their hamster died!

Fucking with Virgil! Revealing myself to Thomas! Silencing Logan! Playing the shit! Killing these bitches! Wrapping it out!

Deceit off camera to Logan: You just ate three fuckin’ jars of Crofters! What the fuck is going on?!

Deceit: “We should get a Roman vs Logan. 'Cause logince is a fuckin’ valid ship.”

And Roman was like “Yo, if you can make Logan more popular then me, which is not fuckin' hard, I will have a breakdown during the musical."

Logan was like ”Yo! Thomas’ got this problem that’s fuckin’ Roman’s fault, dude! It's called emotional repression. Hey wait, it's gonna be called my problem too, and it's gonna be fuckin' huge.”

And then Virgil’s like "I gotta keep it real, I gotta keep it me. Halloween’s gonna be emo as hell”

And they made a song with puppets it was fucking dope and it talked about all of their emotional problems.

Like: one issue, two issues, three! Three, two one! Three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten! TEN TO ONE!

Virgil was like, “I’ve got a secret!”

Patton was like, “I’m losing touch with Virgil!”

Roman and Logan were like, “We’re the functional ones for once!”

And Deceit had nothing to do with the last four episodes. And Virgil was like “That's good!”

I was like “Yo, fuck the wedding! Thomas can do whatever he want!”

Logan was like “Yeah, it's cool man, whatever… I don’t have feelings.”

And then Roman was like “Eh… I agree with Deceit but...!”

And Patton was like "Morality is fuckin’ great. Because it makes you be a good person. Which a lot of times, Thomas is not a good person. And I wanna change that. I wanna make sure everybody thinks that Thomas is a good person.”

Deceit: *starts throwing up in the garbage can beside him*

Deceit: I'm good so far.

Patton: You wanna spit one more time?

Deceit: No, I’m fine

Deceit: *sits back up in his chair and starts giggling as he looks around*

Deceit: ...Shut the fuck!..

Deceit: So Thomas was like “Oh my god, I’m so embarrassed about these intrusive thoughts!”

And then I saw the intrusive thoughts, and I was like “Eh, it's not bad. It's honest. Let’s be real, you wanted to be honest.”

Thomas decides to miss the callback and I am so fuckin’ pissed

I’m like “Yo, fuck you guys!”

And I’m like “Yo! Another video where I get shut down? Yo, fuck these dudes! We're gonna fucking go miles above! We're gonna send in Remus to win the fight!”

But he didn’t! Because he couldn’t fuck with Logan.

Apparently, Remus was like: “Oh, shit you can’t get rid of me.” And they didn’t but Logan taught them to ignore him.

Dude, Remus was like "What the FUCK?”

Oh, you don’t fuckin’ listen to the dark sides. It's like, fuck you!

So intrusive thoughts happen, we fuckin' have a whole video of awesomeness!

Like, Remus is cumming on himself, 'cause it's so big!

Remus was like “Yo, I gotta have a name reveal” meaning, Virgil was like “Yo, I gotta reveal my secret bro”

And Roman’s like, “My brother is the source of my insecurities! Ahhh!”

And Patton’s like “Yo, I need to accept Thomas’ flaws cause he’s a fuckin’ good person.”

And Logan’s like “I’m just gonna solve everyone’s problems and be the fuckin’ coolest.”

And they were like, “Alright, this shits been super angsty. We gotta fuckin’ come back man. We gotta come back domestic and cute af!”

Deceit: *looks around for something*

Deceit: You took my hat away, what the fuck?!

Roman: No, Remus poured beer in it to chug so we left it on the counter!

Logan: Yeah, it’s right next to you

Deceit: Whatever. So the next vid is like, we gotta make this shit legit. We’re gonna have a fuckin’ fanfic movie night and we’re gonna give in to the Mouse Corporation

Deceit: *grabs his hat and puts it on as Patton and Roman scream at him to stop and beer pours out on his head*

Deceit: What the fuck is this on my head, did I puke on myself?

Virgil: No, you poured beer all over yourself.

Deceit: Oh god...

Deceit: So Thomas was like: “Yo, next episode we're gonna have Roman and Patton scrap. It’s a right brain fight night.”

And that’s all. And that’s all that matters. And that is how the fucking story goes.

Deceit: *stands up to take a bow*

Everyone: *starts applauding and whooping off camera*

[misstinfoilhat]

Saw your prompt list and thought I'd drop a suggestion: Kakashi with "don't let them see me cry" - especially if it involves young team 7

I merged this with @selspeaks :  Kakashi: Don't let them see you cry. Bonus points if Guy is in there somewhere annoying him

I tried my best to incorporate both of these!

Oh lord. I don’t even know what this story is. This went from angst to angstier, angstiest to dark af, to fluff, fluffier, fluffy mcfluffypants to what-the-fluff-even?

I don’t know. I hope you all like it though!

--

With a sharp intake of air, Kakashi shot up and leaped out of bed. The bedsheet caught on his feet and he tumbled, darted back up, and shot for the bathroom where he swiftly tugged his mask down and heaved alcoholic liquid into the bowl. Shaky hands grasped at the toilet firmly.

For two days, Kakashi had been unable to leave his apartment. In those 48 hours, less than four of them had been spent sleeping. The other 44, was tossing and turning, trying to relax his body and clear his mind, or, spent drinking an ungodly amount of sake, in the hopes of eventually pass out and catch a few hours of uninterrupted sleep.

But nothing seemed to work.

When he felt himself being done extracting the meager contents of his stomach out, he flushed and closed the lid, but paused for a moment to inspect his hands.

His fingers were soft, long, delicate. Clean, unmarred, and milky. Not at all like a shinobi's. It was because Kakashi always wore gloves. He hated the appearance of those hands. They were hands that hurt people. That killed. Hands covered in blood. 

Rin's blood.

Whenever he remembered that day, his hands would be covered in blood all over again. First, in short flashes. Coming and going in the blink of an eye.

Then, it didn't disappear. No matter how many times he'd blink at them.

That was when the washing started. Hours upon hours of scrubbing his hands raw. The blood never went away, and the more he scrubbed, the more it would bleed until he realized that it was his own blood that covered his hands and not Rin's.

This had been an occurring problem since that day, and it had only become worse once Minato, his last lifeline, had died.

Somewhere insides Kakashi's musings, there were knocks on his door.

Suddenly, it was like he woke back up. As if he had just now become aware of his surroundings. But, he knew he hadn't slept. 

Confused, he stared down at the sink, the sponge he'd used, and his irritated skin. It had happened again.

The knocks on his door became more rapid, and a voice far, far away was yelling his name and Kakashi knew he should answer and knew he needed to stop cleaning his hands.

But he simply couldn't. Not before all his dirty skin had been peeled off. Not until it bled. It wasn't clean enough until there was nothing left at all!

Another voice joined in, yelling his name. The knocks were harder; like hail on your window during a storm. The voices pulled at Kakashi and he wished he could answer them, follow them instead, but he was sure that if he didn't get the blood away, these hands would hurt everything he loved. Everything that was left.

And, logically, he knew that he was the one controlling them. He knew they wouldn't go off on their own and hurt or kill anyone he didn't want them to kill.

But, what if?

What if the constant reminder of what he had done to Rin, how he failed to protect her, or save Obito and how he hadn't been enough to keep his father from committing suicide, would drive him mad?

Kakashi absently realized that the knocking had stopped, and the voices calling out for him had stilled. For some reason, he felt a bit sad about it. Like the intrusive yelling was something comforting and nice, not noisy and disruptive. It reminded him of something or someone. 

Its absence left him in silence. A loud, strangling, ear-piercing silence accompanied only by the running tap and the scratching noise emitted between the cloth and his palms.

Why wasn't it going away?

The rubbing intensified. The motion was becoming stronger and more forceful, almost static, and it stung which was good because that meant that he was close to...

Close to what exactly?

Kakashi realized he was panting. Reality came back to him like a droplet falling from the sky. Cold, unavoidable, grey. Blinking, he gazed down at his sore, scratched-up hands. The one holding the rough sponge opened, letting the yellow foam fall into the sink. Reluctantly, he lifted his gaze up and peered into the mirror, where he met a horrid sight.

His face was unmasked in a twisted grimace. The long, angry scar he got the same day Obito died glowed as if it was laughing at him. Red, puffy, glazed eyes and charcoal orbs glistened dangerously.

And the sounds. The sounds had been his students, coming to look for him. They had to be worried about their sensei, now that he hadn't bothered showing up to practice in several days. It must have taken them a long time finding his apartment, and he had ignored them to indulge in whatever-the-fuck he had just done, the selfish jerk he was.

He stared intently at his reflection. The blood-shot eyes that met his glare were pitiful and made him furious. How long had he been standing here? 

«Stop crying, you fool,» he sneered lowly, trying to keep the trembling in his chest away from his voice. His eyes squinted shut, chasing away unshed tears.

«I said...» A deep breath. «Stop... fucking crying-»

Someone kicked his door in as Kakashi's fists hit the mirror, shattering it into a million little pieces, dancing around him like flickering snowflakes.

«Kakashi!» an alarmed voice roared from the livingroom. Heavy footsteps moved quickly across the floor.

Kakashi hit the wall where the mirror had been, slicing his knuckles on the sharp left-over pieces and couldn't hold back his winch.

He was pathetic. Pathetic, sad, weak, and a horrible human being. He didn't deserve to live. Why did he get to live when Rin and Obito didn’t?

Two strong hands grabbed a tight hold on his shoulders and pulled him back. Kakashi whirled around, trying to tear away.

«Kakashi?» The voice was deep, Kakashi recognized it but couldn't focus. Feeble, bloodied fingers tried to pry off the larger, tan, callused ones that held him still, and Kakashi was unable to keep himself from thinking that they looked clean and felt an instant need to wash his hands again.

«Kakashi!» 

He had made the voice angry. It sounder wrong like that and he knew he had fucked up, just like he always did and it probably wouldn't have happened if he had cleaned his hands---

«S-so much blood,» he mused in a whisper.

His head shot back.

For a moment, he sat there dumbly, unable to take in what had just happened. He rose a strangely painful hand to feel his heated, burning cheek but paused when he noticed the newly ripped flesh scattered across his scarred hands.

Turning them, observing all the healed crisscrossed marks and raw skin curiously, he wondered where the soft, unmarred hands from earlier had gone.

He felt the comforting touch on his shoulder return. Dark eyes looked up to meet two concerned beady eyes under a set of furiously bushy eyebrows.

«Gai? What...» Kakashi muttered perplexed but interrupted himself as he took in his surroundings. The shattered glass on the floor, the mess of soap and water, the bloodied streaks all across the bathroom. «It happened again.»

A sad smile tugged at Gai's lips and he nodded. “Yeah.”

«Oh, God,» Kakashi groaned agonizingly, curling in on himself and shrugging Gai's arm off.

«Shit!» The tears were back, and he struggled to contain them. He refused to let them fall. He couldn't let Gai see him cr---

«...kashi-sensei?»

The surprise of hearing that voice made him straighten his back, instinctively pulling up his mask before looking towards where the sound was coming from, where three heads appeared, lingering warily by the door.

«Were you attacked?» Naruto bellowed loudly as he noticed the state of the bathroom, looking over his shoulder for a possible intruder. His throwing arm itched eagerly by his side pouch.

«I guess you could say that,» Kakashi muttered to no one in particular.

«Don't worry, sensei! I'll get them!»

Naruto bounced off, but Sakura grabbed his jacket and held him back, shaking her head disapprovingly.

«Stop that, stupid.»

For a short while, there was silence once more. It was probably not more than a few seconds, but it ached like days, so Kakashi cleared his throat.

«I-I guess this looks a bit strange,» he drawled slowly and rubbed his neck, smearing the blood through his unruly silvery mane.

«Yes,» Sasuke answered immediately, folding his arms across his chest. The kid always looked suspicious, a bit like he always smelled a fart, which Kakashi bemusedly had thought once during training and proceeded to giggle himself silly as the preteens stared at him incomprehensively.

A bit like now.

They wanted an answer, he knew. Sympathized with it, even. But he had no idea how to give them one.

«I-» he started hesitantly, «I'm not sure how to explain this. And, I'm guessing that none of you would believe me if I came up with some silly story anyway. But I just...»

Again, that tight hold around his heart appeared. The heavy, painful, strangulating feeling of not being able to breathe. The same one he had years after his father passed and an even longer time after Obito and Rin died. It hurt more than a punch in the gut.

«Kakashi-sensei, are you...» Sakura asked just as Gai gently ushered them outside. 

Kakashi wiped the streaming tears off his cheek with his sleeve when Gai returned. Kakashi didn't know what he said to them, but when he came back, it was without the kids.

«I am so sorry, Kakashi. I had no idea that this is what was happening. I should have asked them to stay at the training grounds while I went to check on you by myself.»

Kakashi, still seated on the floor with his knees pushed up to his chest, hiding his watering eyes with his hand, chuckled.

«No. You'd have to tie them up to prevent them from doing whatever they want to do anyway. And unless it's for the genin exams, I'm pretty sure you would be breaking some sort of code if you did that.»

«Actually, I'm pretty sure you're not allowed to tie a student down during the genin exams either,» Gai muttered perplexed. Kakashi simply stared back.

«Huh.»

Despite himself, Gai hummed a small laugh as he started rummaging through Kakashi's well-stocked medicine cabinet, pulling out disinfectants, gauze, and rolls of bandages.

«Let me see your hands,» Gai required softly, and Kakashi obeyed reluctantly, letting his right hand fall limply into Gai's giant palm.

«Several of these will require stitches,» Gai murmured patiently as he cleaned Kakashi's wounds.

«Maa, I'll do it later,» Kakashi waved him off while Gai rolled his eyes.

«No, you're not doing anything. I will take you to the doctor so it can be done properly. Not that half-assed quick-fix stuff you did in ANBU.»

Kakashi didn't dignify that with an answer. His half-assed quick-fix stuff had saved many lives, his own and Gai's included! Was everyone grateful? Yes! Were the wounds all horribly infected and disfigured after? Well, that wasn’t relevant!

«I really think you should see a doctor, dear rival,» Gai said with the slightest hint of his trademark energetic personality back.

«Jeez, fine. I'll go,» Kakashi sighed, but held his breath when he noticed how sad Gai seemed. Apparently, the energy that he had centered into his voice hadn't quite reached his eyes yet.

«Not for that. Well, that too. But for this,» Gai lifted Kakashi's hand up for a moment, indicating towards the wounds.

«I don't usually self-harm, Gai.»

«I know, that's not what I meant either. That OCD stuff that always happens after a bad mission. And those panic attacks- whatever it is- that you're experiencing. It's no good. You can't live like that. I worry that someday you're gonna...» Gai stopped himself from finishing that sentence.

Kakashi looked away in shame.

«Do like my father,» Kakashi whispered. «I know.»

Gai started bandaging up the right hand and silently asked for the left one once it was done. Kakashi didn't say anything as he offered it, placing it gently into the welcoming palm. They didn't talk while Gai kept working, and Kakashi's mind was running.

He could hardly remember what had happened. Was that how Sakumo had felt before he stabbed himself? Had he too gone into some strange psychosis and let his own self-hatred be in control? Was that what Kakashi was doing? He knew he wasn't in control, at least, he didn't think he was. And Kakashi truly didn't want to die by his own hands, let alone imagine what something like that would do to his students.

They had lost people in their lives too.

«I'll go to the doctor,» Kakashi croaked finally, watching Gai's expressive brows rise and curve excitedly, like an expressive labrador.

«Really?»

«Yes.»

«So I won't have to drag you there against your will?»

«What makes you think you even could-»

«Thank you!»

Gai threw himself at Kakashi, cotton balls with antiseptic flying and the bottle tilting, spilling half the fluid out. Strong arms wrapped around Kakashi's shoulders and pulled him into a tight bearhug, nearly knocking the breath out of him.

«I told you you didn't have to restraint and force me there,» Kakashi hummed in a mix of discomfort and relief before pulling away. Unwillingly, Gai let go and wiped a tear away from the creak of his eye. 

Rustling from outside brought their attention away for a moment, before Gai hurried to wrap up Kakashi's other hand so they could check what the fuzz was about.

«Ngh, gah! Naruto! Your elbow is in my face!»

«Your shoulders muffled my ear! I couldn't hear anything!»

«That wasn't because of my shoulder, but from all the cotton you have for brains!»

«Will you two shut up? I'm trying to hear what they're talking abo- Ah!»

Gai dragged the door open, successfully making three noisy kids leaning towards it tumble onto the floor, laying there in a dazed heap for a moment before jolting back up.

«Kakashi-sensei? Are you okay now?» Naruto cried boastfully, jumping over to help Kakashi up from the floor. Kakashi ignored the gesture and pulled himself up, noting that he felt a slight hangover.

Good, he thought. At least I've sobered up.

«Better,» Kakashi replied truthfully, noticing how Sakura was eyeing his hands timidly. «I'm sorry for worrying you. That wasn't my intention.»

He smiled softly at her, and she seemed to perk up at that, so he decided to rest his hand on her head for a moment, just to see what it was like.

Two brightly pink cheeks beamed up at him, and in an instant, she was entangled around his torso, hugging him tight enough to rival Gai. Before Kakashi had even realized what was going on, Naruto had joined in, pressing himself to his other side while chubby, sunkissed hands grabbed at the fabric of Kakashi’s black shirt.

Sasuke stood ambivalent with his arms crossed, observing the ordeal with little to no interest, while Gai bawled his eyes out, leaping a few steps forward, ready to join in.

«Don't you dare,» Kakashi glared dangerously, and Gai turned in his step and switched his focus on Sasuke, deciding that no one should ever be left unhugged, and trapped the boy in a huge, forceful embrace, seemingly untouched by the violent death threats and obscenities spilling out of the boy. 

As much as Kakashi was touch-avert and uncomfortable by affection, he recognized this as an important moment. Not only for him but for his students (it might not be for Sasuke; this particular moment, but in the long run, maybe) too. 

Kakashi wouldn’t tell them the gritty details. They were unimportant, but mostly, he truly didn’t want to. But he realized one, really important thing. 

What had made Minao a great teacher, was his heart. And a heart contained more than just strength. It also held love and hurt. Vulnerability.

Kakashi knew he wouldn’t change overnight. Maybe not ever. 

But if this was even one step closer to being the man Minato would want as his son’s mentor, half the man Minato was, then, Kakashi would do whatever it took to become that man.

---

End

[dangermousie]

I'm so happy you ended up loving Rebel! I loved GaRyung from the get go (you dont tell ur bf to shoot you, or else you're breaking up with him if you odnt have a core of steel). But I also hate the youth episodes, because BB!Gil Dong is like my least favourite child actor ever. Usually Kdramas have great to amazing child actors and then there's little GilDong trying to emote and ending up looking like he's trying to not soil his pants. One of the rare dramas that starts weak and ends strong af!

The opening sequence with Ga Ryung and Gil Dong is what got me to check out the drama but then when we actually met her in the story proper I was all “ehhh, you are OK, but Lee Honey’s character is more interesting” only to eventually realize that while I overlooked her at first because she was a normal woman in a sea of larger than life or damaged personalities, her quietness masked a heart of steel. Plus, she is very soul-whole, if it makes any sense, and I love that. (And the fact that she’s a normal, even traditional woman - no combat skills for her or even Lee Honey’s amazing musical talent and ruthless ambition and she is still portrayed as awesome.) Plus, narratively it makes sense that folk hero Gil Dong is married to what is essentially an everywoman in a lot of ways. 

I actually found the progression of that love story very unusual for a kdrama. Because it was clear Gil Dong and Nok Soo loved each other until Nok Soo’s issues resulted in what they resulted in, and Gil Dong only saw Ga Ryang as a little sister and then it so gradually, it was almost imperceptible, progressed to more and now they love each other enough to literally die for each other but there are no flashy moments or declarations or unicorns. That’s an unusual narrative for a kdrama but one I love. 

I hate kids portions in literally every drama so Rebel doesn’t stand out for that for me. I did think the actor who played Amogae was amazing, but nothing can get me into kid portions. It took me literal months to get past those eps.

But the early adult eps were not where my obsession started - that only kicked in when Gil Dong and the King’s stories intersected. I liked the early adult portions just fine, but watching Gil Dong be a cheeky peddler or a thug with a heart was entertaining but not earthshaking. And King Yeonsan is just hard to take in large doses for me because he is just so awful - it’s a good narrative and great portrayal but seeing him get with Nok Soo or tyrannize his court is not my narrative bag (I very rarely go for psychopathic villains; the sole exception being Cao Cao in Three Kingdoms 2010.) So until they started taking on the system, I thought Rebel was a very solid drama - well written and acted and paced - but it was not going on a fave list. But once they started their revenge for Amogae and then like inexorable circles got closer and closer to the rottenness of the Court, I got more and more invested. Watching Gil Dong and Yeonsan clash is amazing. 

Also, Rebel feels a lot more lived in then a lot of sageuks - it’s the visual palette but also the fact that it covers things a lot of sageuks don’t. In fact, I don’t think I have ever seen a sageuk cover the lives of the dispossessed and their hardships and injustices as its main narrative outside of 2008 Hong Gil Dong and Chuno and to a somewhat lesser degree, Return of Iljimae. And when I bring in a HGD 2008 or Chuno comparison in a positive way, you know it’s all over for me in terms of adoring a drama forever. (Apparently Nokdu Flower also has that and is on my very short list.) Sageuks tend to focus on royals, warriors or merchants, and the few that don’t still have other drives - romance, comedy, Japanese occupation. Even the LJK Iljimae was not really class conscious that way because its hero was a wrongly dispossessed nobleman - victory was the restoration of the proper status quo. And that narrative of fighting or showing society-based injustice, one that is baked into the very fabric of the world for these people, is something I find fascinating. 

Finally, the acting is amazing. I’ve seen all of these actors in other stuff and they have been solid to good there, but I’ve never seen any of them give a better performance than they have done here. Yoon Kyun Sang as Gil Dong takes my breath away, and the way the performance ratchets with the narrative, where by the end I want to jump the screen and join his rebels on sheer force of his just rage and strength alone - wow. (And he is not afraid to fall apart unprettily - in those eps where he is the King’s prisoner, it felt viscerally horrible to watch, like an intrusion.) I have seen Kim Ji Suk in a ton of dramas and was always moderately bored by him, but his portrayal of the unhinged monster than is Yeonsan is the first time I am riveted - he comes across as a living breathing human being who is also an irredeemable bight on the world without being a cartoon. Lee Honey is always always solid but she is extra good here because she gets a complex ambivalent character to play - Nok Soo has willingly stayed by a monster and did monstrous things herself but it’s hard to hate her because her every motivation and what drives her are portrayed so well. Chae Soo Bin takes a character who could disappear into wallpaper in other hands and makes her not just Gil Dong’s heart, but a woman I desperately care for, one I want to know more of. And it goes on and on (including Kim Jung Hyun as Mori. I have only seen him in Crash Landing and thought he was charming and whatever. But here I am all “OMG he can actually act this well?!?)

OK, I better stop because I wrote War and Peace in response to your short ask but also - the OST!!! I rarely pay attention to those but I have the entire hour long thing on constant repeat.

[the--sad--hatter]

Phantom Pain (33)

FANDOM - MARVEL MCU

PAIRING - Bucky X Reader

WARNINGS - Bad Habits and Rough Sex, Angsty and Dark AF.

DESCRIPTION - Everybody in the world knew of you, but not who you really were. Some called you a vigilante, some called you a criminal and some called you a hero but all of them called you The Phantom.

Only two people knew your real identity and they swore to never tell anyone but when The Avengers need to infiltrate a high-security facility, Bruce Banner deduces that you’re the only one who can pull it off. That decision puts you and Bucky Barnes on a path you can’t turn back from, even if neither of like where it’s leading.

Series Masterlist

Chapter Thirty-Two 

“Explain it to me again?” Tony asked, rubbing his temples.

 “The tech Tony, the one who took the reading that I gave to Bruce. He went missing straight after that, gone without a trace! The chamber door was broken when we broke in. Both of those incidents happened within 24 hours of each other. That’s not a coincidence!” You repeated for the umpteenth time.

“Maybe it is a coincidence. We have no evidence that this is our guy.” Tony insisted.

 You turned to Bruce with a helpless look.

 “The Poltergeist did specifically label her a killer though Tony. If he took the reading at her behest and was caught, he might blame her for what happened.” Bruce pointed out.

 “It still doesn’t help us in any way, we’ve been looking for this guy for months. If he’s alive and the Poltergeist, we’re no closer to finding him.” Tony said.

 You sighed and threw your head onto your arms on the table.

 “Though… We have been searching for evidence of his death. Not where he might be hiding if he’s alive. I’ll have Friday check for surviving relatives, old girlfriends… that sort of thing.” Tony added and you sat up excitedly.

 “Really?”

 “Yeah Princess, but don’t get your hopes up. I still think it’s a bit of a stretch.” Tony warned, getting up and going to look at his computer.

 “How have you been aside from all this?” Bruce asked kindly.

 “Fine, I guess? Haven’t felt like I’m about to blow up if that’s what you’re asking.” You scoffed.

He froze nervously and you smirked.

 “Yeah, I found out. It’s ok Bruce, really. I get why you didn’t tell me.” You assured.

 “Really?” He asked suspiciously.

 “Yes. If you’d have told me this a month ago… I’d have done something stupid like pick an unwinnable fight and gone down swinging.” You laughed lightly.

 “What changed?”

 “Everything. My life turned out to be a lie. My father wasn’t my father, and I’m not the same person either. I’m just more worried about The Poltergeist. Do you think he knows that he’s a ticking time bomb?” You wondered.

 “I’m not sure.”

 “If he doesn’t, maybe this doesn’t have to end badly.” You mused.

 “You think you can talk him down?” Bruce deduced easily.

 “I made him do a favour for me, and he got murdered for it. In a really horrific way. I can understand that he hates me for it Bruce, I hate myself.  But I didn’t mean for him to get hurt and maybe if I explain that, he’ll listen. He hasn’t hurt anybody else; he only went after me and The Imposter. Maybe he’s not a villain.” You said.

 “There’s a thin line between Justice and Revenge. You of all people have a chance of reminding him of that, when we find him. But then we have to explain to him that he might still die anyway. You have to prepare him, and yourself for that.” Bruce said gently.

 “I’m not going to die Bruce. Even if something in my cells changes, you’ll fix it.”

 “I wish I had as much faith as you did.” He said, smiling softly.

 You squeezed Bruce on the shoulder and left the lab, stopping in your tracks when you saw Bucky leaning against the wall in the corridor. As soon as he saw you, he held out his hand.

 “Come here.” He whispered, pulling you into a nearby closet.

 “This is how you’re going to cheer me up?” You laughed, very much on board with the idea.

 “You have to be quiet for me Domniţă, think you can manage that?” He teased.

 “No.” You admitted, and he raised an eyebrow at you.

 You wanted this, him. If you had to bite down on your own tongue to get it then so be it.

 “Yes sergeant.” You whispered breathily.

 “First things first, give me your panties.” He ordered and you hastily obeyed, turning your back to him and bending over to pull them down, pressing your ass against him while he chuckled lowly at your brazenness.

 He held his hand out and you handed them over.

 “Good girl.” He praised, shoving them into his pocket and popping the button on his pants open.

 “On your knees.” He said and you sunk to your knees like he had asked, already feeling your wetness gather between your thighs at the mere thought of sucking him off in an unlocked closet.

  He must have felt the same because he was already hard and he wrapped his metal hand in your hair, twisting it into a make shift ponytail and dragged your face up to his cock. You parted your lips slightly for his as he rubbed the head of his cock against them. He pushed against your lips and you opened your mouth wider for him, letting him slide into your mouth.

 “You won’t be able to use your safe word, so tap out if it’s too much.” He instructed.

 You gagged slightly as he hit the back of your throat and you had to open your mouth as wide as you could to accommodate his girth. He hissed as your lips met the base of his shaft and you squirmed, choking on him. He waited for a few long seconds, enjoying the way your throat spasmed around him before he pulled you off of him. You coughed and spluttered, gasping for breath while he admired the way his cock shone with your saliva. He glanced down at you in concern, stroking your face gently and waiting for some kind of signal as to whether you wanted to continue. You gave it by slowly licking his tip, gazing up at him with wide eyes. He smirked at you and nodded his assent for you to continue. You sucked the head into your mouth, swirling your tongue around the tip.

 “Suck it.” He ordered and you hollowed your cheeks to suck as best you could while he used his grip on your hair to guide you.

 He pulled your head up and down on his cock until he was almost on the edge of cumming before he pulled you off of him with a lewd pop and pulled you to your feet, kissing you thoroughly and picking you up. He wrapped your legs around his waist and held you up with one hand under your ass while the other slipped between your thighs, seeking out your pussy and finding it ready for him.

 “You’re absolutely soaking wet…” He groaned.

 You really were, you were so slick that his fingers slid easily inside you without any warning and you moaned loudly at the sudden intrusion. You desperately struggled and tried to stay quiet while he chuckled at your attempts to muffle your sounds while he thrust his fingers into your rapidly, rubbing the heel of his palm against your clit. The slick wetness was all but gushing out of you and he worked your body to the brink of orgasm.

 “You better not make a fucking sound for the next part.” He warned, pulling his hand out of your dripping cunt a millisecond before you came.

 You bit down on your lip to stop the displeased whine that you nearly let out. He pushed your back into the wall and pushed his lips against yours to silence you as he fisted his cock and directed it to your aching heat, penetrating you easily because of the ample wetness he’d caused. You clutched at his shoulders and moaned into his mouth as he pushed his cock into you halfway before pulling back and beginning a series of short. Shallow thrusts.

 It felt good, better than good but it wasn’t enough to push you over the edge and he knew it. He knew you wouldn’t dare talk and disobey an order and the way he had you pinned against the wall limited how much you could move. You nipped cheekily at his bottom lip, trying to pull a reaction out of him but he just nipped you back, harder. You dug your heels into his ass, trying to push him forward but he completely ignored you. You threaded your fingers through his hair, tugging at it and he grunted. It was a reaction but not the one you wanted. Your cunt was positively aching at this point, the lack of his cock actually causing you pain.

 You pulled your lips from his and kissed along his jaw, scratching your nails along his scalp as you did. He allowed you to do it, curious as to what your next move would be. You gently kissed your way along his neck, teasingly licking at the sensitive spot just below his ear.

 His hands on your ass tightened their grip and you knew you were on the right path. Carefully you adjusted your grip on his hair so that when you closed your mouth around his pulse point and gently bit down you could simultaneously tug harshly at his locks. It had the desired effect and he thrust forward into you full force, finally giving your pussy what it so desperately needed.

 “Fuck. Harder.” He groaned.

 You gave him what he wanted, biting down on his neck and tugging almost violently at his hair as he snapped his hips back, fucking into you the way you’d been silently begging for him to do. You bit down as hard as you dared before licking and sucking the hurt away, knowing you were leaving a mark on him and thoroughly enjoying that fact. Not as much as he was enjoying it if the way he was pounding into you and groaning your name was any indication. Your whole body felt insanely warm, like a fire was burning under your skin and you used your bite on his skin to muffle your own sounds.

 It was probably a moot point by now because the way he was slamming into you must surely have been causing a ruckus but neither of you cared. You felt his hips stutter and he thrusts grew sloppy around the same time your walls began to tense around him and he moved his flesh hand from under you to brush against your clit, flicking his thumb across it in time with his thrusts. You held on as long as you could, waiting until you felt his cock twitch inside you before you tangled your hands in his hair and pulled har, biting down harshly at the same time. If he hadn’t had bit down on his lip he would have come shouting instead of moaning into your shoulder and your own release was triggered.

 As you came down from your high you gently kissed the bruised bitemarks on his neck.

 “I love you.” You whispered into his ear and he tightened his hold on you.

 “Te iubesc Domnita.” He murmered, nuzzling his face into your shoulder.  

 ”What’s wrong?” You whispered.

 You weren’t complaing about the impornmto session in the closet but you were worried there was a reason for it.

 ”Nothing at all.” He assured, unconvingly.

 ”Bucky...”

 ”I just needed to feel you. That’s all.” He said.

 You didn’t believe him but you didn’t want to push, at least not in a closet.

 ”Ok.” You said, gently running your fingers through his hair.

 He eventually moved, pulling out of you and chuckling as you winced at the sudden trickle of cum running down your leg.

 ”Don’t suppose I can have my panties back now?” You asked hopefully.

 ”If I give them back, you’ll owe me.” He warned.

 ”Deal.” You agreed and he pulled them back on, also pulling out a handkerchief and cleaning you up before he pulled your underwear back up your thighs and made sure you were presentable.

 When the two of you stepped out of the closet, it was painfully obvious what you had been doing.

 “Steve asked me to tell you to meet him in the gym.” Bucky informed you as he took your hand and walked down the corridor with you.

 “Oh no. Why?” You asked nervously, not liking the look on Bucky’s face one bit.

 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

 “We have the opportunity to learn to fight against our enemy before we have to go up against them. You can give us an insight as to how someone with your abilities is going to utilise them.” Steve explained.

 “So, you want me to spar with you?”

 “All of us.”

 “At the same time?” You yelped.

 “No, one on one.” He chuckled.

 “Oh… ok. I guess? I can handle that. I think?” You asked nervously.

 “Natasha’s up first.” Steve informed you.

 “Oh fuck.”

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Honestly can not get these two to stop banging! Sorry, this is turning into porn with very little plot. I'm getting them back on track if it kills me though. Next chapter should be fun! (For everyone but Queenie!)

@drdorkus  @gravedollie666  @sadsoldat  @bigplantdaddy  @moodyruth    @likes-to-smell-books  @shirukitsune   @inquisitor-selvala  @myfandomlife-blog  @markusstraya    @adeleoctobre   @vajeenparty  @sexyvixen7  @love-nakamura  @buckitybarnes    @littledeadrottinghood  @pinkisokay   @jsmith509  @brownlee-22  @angieptt    @thosesexytexasboys  @liveonce-sodoitright  @tarastudiesalot  @spnrvt   @dahkness    @dilaila95  @rororo06  @mizzzpink  @release-the-cathyrchkn  @thefridgeismybestie     @fairislesheets  @strangersstranger  @life-wanderer   @uuuuuuuuggggghhh    @curiositykilledthepepe  @musingpredilection  @boxofteenageideas  @thelostallycat    @demonlover87  @cutie1365  @mcuthemusical  @caroldanvers616  @chipilerendi  @scarlettswxtch  @undiscovered-misunderstood  @itsmejessicasstuff  @musingsofafangirlblog   @moli1497 @deathofmissjackson  @slxyangel  @redlovett @moonlitvoyager @dragonrosegardens

[praeuro]

Okay so I wanna vent this off my chest, keep scrolling by all means do not pay attention to the severally paranoid post going on here—

Okay so...this is going to be about my mental health at this point. I can’t really turn to anyone for it because I feel uncomfortable talking about it, and myself in regards to my well-being, because I feel like it puts me in a bigger position than anyone else and I hate being the big guy (I know it’s healthy to talk and stuff but that’s just one of the many issues with me I just hate talking about myself, it’s off putting). But yes, this is about my OCD and it’s going to be a jumbled mesh of thoughts I’ve been having over the past few years.

Back to the scenario at hand, BACKSTORY—I only found out about my OCD about 2 years ago I believe. It’s funny because I should’ve noticed all the compulsions earlier, but I guess they were just normal to me. But finding that out, and at the time losing my best friend to drugs and bad groups was just...horrible. Looking back on our friendship and what it led to, I was actually appalled with myself because I had been steering my best friend towards good life decisions all his life, a rather funny OCD quirk of mine that demands control, but I felt a weird loss that night when he broke all ties and decided to go his own way. He was free too for sure, but I only ever wanted the best for him, and the moment when University took my opportunity to keep connecting with him, he ends up like this. It’s just the weird timing of it all.

Since then, reading up about OCD, and talking it out with people I found out some of myself that was actually considered part of the mental disorder. My compulsions are small (thank god), but where it really hurts me is stuff like intrusive thinking and paranoia and anxiety. Intrusive thinking/thoughts are like unwanted thoughts that spring up inside your mind uncontrollably, they can be violent and sexual in nature but they can be other things that bring up your anxiety. Now I don’t mean to toot my own horn here, but I’m smart and logical enough to brush aside most of the thoughts, it’s about rationalising. The moments where I lose that ability, are when I think back randomly to past mistakes, accidents, or even people. I don’t like making mistakes, or being bothersome; sometimes It’s uncontrollable, there are moments where my OCD takes precedence over my actions and I cause problems for people. If any of you are reading this, I’m so sorry about all of myself. I have what seems to be infallible recall to previous mistakes, I get a little paranoid thinking that they’ll remember this stuff, but I remember mistakes like there’s no tomorrow and believe I’m wrong for those mistakes. I’m plagued by them and it’s just horrible. I’ve learned how to admit and push past the mistakes recently, I’m only human, but I still get the occasional stab in the back of my mind. But yeah, I can put a lot of pressure on people when I don’t mean to and it backfires a lot on my mental health. I don’t want to blame myself all the time because that would lead to some pretty undesirable thoughts, but...I don’t know, I’m part of the problem but I can’t exactly put my mental disorder out there either. I’m so wrong sometimes.

Now I’d like to vent about an issue that’s getting to me A LOT. I have lots of loving friends, but few have their...quirks (and I don’t mean the good kind). Don’t get my wrong, I love them all to bits and would constantly fight for their love, but there are moments when they could just drain me of all life. One in particular had been a hassle a few months back, one of my oldest friends now, they brought something up that even now still eludes me. The idea was that I was being aloof sometimes, and making it unclear that I’d be leaving my headset when talking to people online; granted I am air-headed as fuck. Now my other friend and I have had some debate over this because in the grand scale of it all, this issue was annoying (and I hate being annoying) but nothing too severe as to wage the type of war they were bringing to the table. I had several chats, and even apologised for my entire being, but even after that I was brought back to the war table one final time over the dispute that I needed to put in more of an effort to remind people when I wasn’t at my PC (I mean I can’t even think back to those moments but it still bugs me because I want to know how to fix myself, but in it all it was blown up to great proportions—a mountain out of a molehill as the saying goes). After it had all closed down and people had said their apologies, I couldn’t stop thinking about it, I HAVEN’T STOPPED THINKING ABOUT IT. Now I hate my intrusive thinking and how it makes me paranoid, but I’m sticking opinion out here now and thinking it’s not even over. Before all this dramatic calamity I had noticed the amount of toxicity growing around the friends group and I didn’t like what was growing. I have my suspicions about a few people (maybe one in particular), but this is doing my head in. The person whom I had argued with is now on a level with me where I’m not such a ‘bad guy’ but ‘not great either’, and I adore this person to pieces, but now they probably have just enough capacity to tolerate me. I don’t know where I stand in my mind, we hung out heaps and shared heaps of adventures in games we loved, and I know about both of our situations here but was throwing that all down the drain worth it for that one moment of hate, where they could’ve just talked about it like sensible people.

I don’t know much about their side of the story in all this, I’m still guessing parts, but I’d like for them to open up to me more about it/themselves eventually. My best friend has had alternate theories that this issue was just a facade for some alternate underlying problem, and they brought out the big guns and I whole-fully appreciate and love them to bits for helping me out, though this whole situation has left me plagued even more so with more intrusive thoughts that I can’t relieve myself of. I’m too scared to talk to them now. I’m scared that I won’t be good enough anymore, I’m scared that I’ll upset them again in any of my own small ways, I’m scared that they’re talking behind my back, I’m scared about what they’ll do next—eventually. I just don’t know what to do anymore, and I’m too afraid to talk to them, even though I want to be friends, I just don’t think they want to understand me. It’s funny though, the one moment where I tell them to give this person they don’t like a chance, they end up being best friends, but they can’t even give me the chance to put my better qualities before my bad ones, everyone has bad qualities...why can’t I shake mine away if they’re so big then?

I think I needed to say more than was I’ve jotted down, but it’s getting late and my mind isn’t up to pouring anymore out. I’ve gotten the jist of it down, TL;DR: I have OCD, I’m paranoid af boi, I fought with a friend, we made up, I feel like they don’t fully like me anymore, I feel like if I bring any of this up they’ll think I’m annoying, I don’t want to fight I want to love, and I’m dreading what’s coming next. My mind is constantly in flux over this, and...I’m so tired. I don’t mean to be annoying or wrong, but not everyone is perfect.

[tellywoodtrash]

bepannaah 19.03.18 lb

right. let’s do this. entertain me, ridiculously good looking ppl.

oh fuck what, is this a one hour show? please tell me it’s just for the first ep, coz i’ve already lost interest if this is a one hour daily. i don’t have the strength to keep up with this kinda bs.

god, it’s unfair how pretty this girl is. honestly.

seems like has god has compensated by giving her a real besuraaa voice tho. bb girl, pls stop.

oh god she’s one of those ‘aaaap’ and ‘hum’ ppl.

also weirdly codependent on her husband for weird shit like remembering song lyrics? ok???????

what exactly is this hot mess that she’s making???? somewhere in an alt universe, omkara singh oberoi’s chest hurts from the violation of “art” that’s happening here.

lel “hum aapka jhoot hamesha pakad lete hai” foreshadowingggggggg

hubba hubba who this mancakeeeee. chehra dikhaa jaanemann!

haaaaaaaaaaye his puppy eyes. such cyooot.

hmmmmmm this one’s wife is sick of playing mom to him within 3 minutes of show starting.

… is she not wearing a blouse????

ok no i see flashes of it.

lmao this pettyass child, threatening to go to a different continent, just so he can get chain ki neend.

why is she in such a panicccccc coz she can’t find yash??? aadmi hai, billi toh nahi, jo darwaaza khula chod diya toh kho jaayega.

god what a motley crew of nonsense naukar??

ok fwding this stupid comedy bit about her “art”

lo aa gaaya gareebon ka varun dhawan.

actually he looks like lovechild of varun dhawan and vatsal sheth. and naman shaw. (remember him???) or something.

here this actual man child is still sulking. now over toothpaste or some shit.

wow his mom just sauntered right into the loo. like, do ppl in tellywood just not have any issues with walking into the loo when someone else is there or what? i’d scream the fucking house down.

great he forgot her bday. idiot.

oh he’s arnav singh raizada type - making a habit of forgetting every year. baaad husband! bad!

the dubbing of this ep is realllly off and it’s bothering me.

he filmyyyy. lol. i like.

ooooooh. diaryyyyyyyyy. this is gonna come in play laterrrrrrr.

“bachpan se teri diary dekhta aa raha hoon”

oh ho, they’re bachpan ke saathi and all that. interesting.

damn girl, loook guiltierrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

also, writing your secrets in a diary is the dumbest shit ever? like, why would you leave a paper trail, so easy to access? its 2018, put it on a private blog or some shit.

ok he didn’t read it. but he’s gonna. you just wait, he gonna read that thing before her body goes cold.

pooja is a scorpio forsho. hella relate to her secretive, none-of-your-damn-business ways.

oh greatttttttttt, he’s another omkara singh oberoi with the whole I HATE LIES bs

god, this woman is still hung up on her bhaddaaaa sa sculpture thing.

lol her hubs is like plz, no more. lord give the spouses of “artists” patience, coz honestly, they’re tiresome af.

he’s also an aap hum dude. i think i like aditya’s way of talking better.

yeah that i love you of his rang realllllllllllll hollow.

oh ho ho. zoya here is stealing tricks from the shivaay singh oberoi book of romance, holi chapter.

“zoya mere kapde gande ho jayenge.” “toh phir utaar dijiyega.”

OH SNAAAAAAAAAAAAP I LIKEEEEEEEEEE.

damn, she just insinuated getting dirrrrrty and then cleaning up together later.

YEAH GIRL. BE SEX POSITIVE AND TAP THAT BOOTY.

i mean, i’d rather you tap that other one’s fine booty, but abhi ke liye yeh bhi chalega.

smartphones are a curse upon modern day relationships.

… bro you’re indian. you don’t get dubai visa that easily in spur of moment. you gotta apply for that shit in advance. go to qatar. visa on arrival for indians these days.

oh that was HER mom, not his???? that makes the bathroom intrusion even weirder and creepier. like damn saasumaa, boundaries.

LMAO HE CUTE AF

oh ho, hint of financial issues. he borrows money from her? she’s the richer one? interestinggggg.

she’s an artist too? what exhibition???

god he’s sooooooooo cute. also their little head tilt thing was adorbs. i def like these two as a couple better.

why is she so uncomfortableeeee with him? this is not the face you make when a husband this hot is attempting to feel ya up. girl you shady affff.

yuppppppp she def has some resentment at him not growing tf up.

ooooooooh "mujhse zyaada tumhe koi pyaar nahi karega!!!!" and all. and pooja seems hella uncomfy. which is fair. these kinda statements are really not as romantic as they’re supposed to seem. they’re more a statement of ownership than love.

at this point i gotta say, i relate with pooja the most in this show so far, and i’m hella sad she gonna be dead soon.

zoya, i get your disappointment and all, but you clingy and whinyyyy af girl.

why is he shaving out in the open? do you ppl not have a bathroom?

gareebon ka varun dhawan thinks being a good husband is listening to wife complain about the naukar. cool. cool cool cool. i hate brown dudes.

gift!

damn girl, calm down. it’s a ring. not cash. i always prefer cash.

oh ho wrong size. pooja size? huhuhuhuhu.

LMAO HE’S SO UNCOMFORTABLE. YOU SHADY FUCK.

damn adi-pooja’s house is huuuuge af. like, they’re not oberoi rich, but definitely hellla fucking rich.

omnious kadamon ka sound. tension-inducing elderly male figure is making entry. is he dad or sasur????

oh this guy. shahid kapoor ka ex step-dad.

dad has Opinions™ on the commute issues of younger couple.

ok mr. hooda. HIS dad.

also, wow. another omkara callback. daddy issues and calling father mr. [surname]

wow, i clearly have “a type” when it comes to tellywood dudes, don’t i????

his mom looks just about as young as his wife, the fuck. like, at most she looks 5 years older than him.

aaaand gareebon ka varun dhawan is offffffff. never to be seen alive again, i presume.

god she clingyyyyyyy af. i don’t really like her character so far.

mmmmm hmmmmmm. love me a man in uniform.

ok he seems to be treating the plane’s PA system like some kinda radio station for himself. nope.

yeah, these fake flying scenes are weird and corny af. fwding.

ok he’s gonna go to mussoorie. because Reasons.

love zoya’s mom for promoting healthy body image. you go mom. i like you.

dad has judgy face af.

lol dadddddd hates yash and thinks he stoopid.

“aapki subhaanAllah pottery.” snort.

lol, i like the sister. she’s so fucking done with her dad’s 5 saal puraana dukhda. get over it already, dad.

dad says issue is not communal. meaning he really knows that yash is shadyyyyyyyy af.

LMAO MAN WHY AND HOW ARE DESI DADS SUCH FUCKING EXPERTS AT DESTROYING YOU WITH THE FEWEST WORDS POSSIBLE

hmmmm hint of some financial issues here also.

damn, the dad really hates yash. what does he know about him that we don’t!?!?!?! SPILL ABBU! SPILL!

ok yup the siddiquis are rich af. driver badi gaadi and all.

oooooh serendipitous meeting time.

the push up level on her bra is kinda ridic. her boobs are practically up in her nostrils.

does every art shop in the world have this obligatory 3D buddha thingy or what????

ok what is this 5 minute waste on them wandering this fucking shop fwd fwd fwd 

oh it’s pooja’s favt song too?

aaaaaaand they both picked it up.

damn boy. you married. stop giving random hottie in the local archies’ heart eyes.

lmaoooooo pack kar dijiye plz and resulting apology.

snort us par in janaaab ka bhi moohtod jawab.

lel. beautiful idiots.

lmao i appreciate his efforts.

“yeh bus ki seat hai kya jispe rumaal phenk di toh seat aapki?” “dekhiye, hum bus mein travel hi nahi karte, toh humein kaise pata hoga???”

lolololol. what logic.

arre waaaaaah. valiant effort by aditya, but zoya knows charlie uncle (and whoever jenny is) and has capitalized on that.

LMAO I LOVE HE’S SPEAKING TO CHARLIE UNCLE AS IF HE KNOWS HIM SINCE FOREVER.

damnnnnnnnn the sexual tension.

LOLOLOL WHICH IS NOW JUST REGULAR TENSION COZ HE THREW MONEY AT HER AND TOOK OFF WITH THE THING. CHOR KAHINKA.

they’re legit running all over the damn city. lord above.

what stamina these two have. jfc.

lol urdu lesson in the middle of conflict.

what’s with gulaal phenking?

oh, just distraction technique.

oh no. phone call time. oh no oh no oh no. didn’t think it would come within this ep itself.

oh yikes car ki kaaafi buriiiiiiii haaalat.

ok fuck anything else, look at this man’s cheekbones. they can cut glass. how unfair. i want. both the man and his cheekbones.

also, this guy has zero questions on why she’s being found dead in mussoorie when she said she was going to chennai? two completely different directions my man. thought you were a pilot and supposed to know where the cities are????

oh shit, gareebon ka varun dhawan DEDDDDDDDDDD.

i mean, i knew it was coming, idk why i’m so shocked.

WHY LORD WHY IS POOJA DEAD TOO? I LIKED HER THE BEST SO FARRRRRRRRR.

aaah man, their grief is hard to watch.

aaaaaaaand

lel his instant face change like BITCH WHAT WERE YOU UP TOOOOOOOO

damn aditya, you reaaaaaaaaallll quick. you just went from shock to anger stage of grief in like under 10 seconds.

even zoya be like what this dude’s deal????? at first, and then she noticed the handssssssss.

ah man my heart is breaking for her. she seems so shockeddddd and brokennnn.

notice contrast in emotions and expressions:

ok BIGGEST QUESTION: how are yash/pooja are still holding hands? like, the car fell into the khaaai, and they most probably died on impact. how the fuck did you extract bodies out of the car like THAT? (or were they pulled out alive and then held hands and proceeded to die?) EXPLAIN TO ME, SHOW. 10 points, show your work. 

oh fuck lots happening in the next ep too, from slapping to angsty grabbing to almost killing to life saving. damn. is this really a one hour show daily????? dude imma be fucking exhausted.

[palpablenotion]

my uncle might have had another stroke and so he’s currently at the hospital (but apparently he’s alert and talking and mad my grandma is there)

some of you know the issues i’ve been having. it goes all the way back to mid summer. possibly longer. i was sick for a really long time, had a summer cold and couldn’t shake it. i found out i have an enlarged heart which my doctor just immediately blamed on my weight when it makes much more sense to credit it to my generally untreated anemia (which is now being treated).

i may or may not have had a pneumonia at this time and so could only help so much when my mother moved back in with us (and she and my father are still separated so that’s awkward af sometimes) and i had worked myself to very terrible lengths leading up to this to clean tf out of my house prior to mom moving in.

september is sort of a blur, but october 2nd my grandmother fell. i spent about a week taking care of my uncle before leaving to see my niece for her first birthday. staying there taking care of my uncle was so stressful that i got rashes on my legs and arms

i didn’t even get a week home before my grandmother was released from the hospital and i stayed with her for about a month, getting more and more stressed, sick, and just run down every single day. so why do it? because literally no one else would. i’m the only one available and so despite being sick, mentally ill, in pain, and a flare up of my major depressive disorder, apparently i’m the only fucking option

in that month, i was so stressed that i had daily, constant splitting/stabbing headaches, was essentially permanently light and sound sensitive, dangerously sleep deprived (did i mention that i was woken up everyday at seven am, not able to ever go back to sleep, and if i tried going to be even at ten pm, my grandmother would guilt me into staying up another hour?)

halfway through that month, btw, my dad and i got into a car accident. we were rear ended hard enough to force us to loose control of teh car and end up in oncoming traffic, which we luckily avoided, and the guy who hit us took off. it increaded my issues with cars ad specifically driving, and now i’m having a LOT more intrusive thoughts than before. my dad injured his back and neck. he’s still in pain.

i more or less take care of my dad, so it was even harder going back to grandma’s for a couple weeks while my dad was home dealing with this

i got home and things were stressful here too, for a few reasons - the holidays are always hard, and some of you know that i haven’t been to church since like august? which is even harder because it’s a big support system for me

i was just finally healing - the rashes on my hands are minimal now, still there but each is only about the size of a quarter rather than being too big for a bandaid to cover/essentially coving the entirety of the back of my hand

i’m sleeping more, i’ve taken my meds every day in 2018, my depression seems to be lifting at least a bit, i’ve even joined a reverse bigbang

and then my uncle had to be rushed to the hospital and my grandmother is expecting me to stay a few nights

i have to do it but oh god i can’t, i cried earlier, i just want to rest, i do things for her every single saturday, and often at least one day during the week, and that itself is exhausting, it’s so draining that i still haven’t been back to church because i spend sunday resting

i’m so very tired, y’all. i’m exhausted and everytime something else comes up with me she needs something else. i just had to make an emergency dentist appointment on wednesday because i was in so much pain i was crying and i wanted to just scream. remember how i have chronic pain? i have a fucking high pain tolerance. the dental hygienist was astounded at what i was enduring and i was in so much pain they gave me nearly a dozen shots before it was effective.

they couldn’t do anything but give me shots and do a cleaning, because they don’t take my insurance (medicaid) but they were able to give me some relief and a script for some pain relievers stronger than over the counter. i still need extensive dental work/surgery.

i feel better than wednesday morning, but better doesn’t mean i’m not in constant pain.i’m laying down right now with an ice pack under my jaw. (interestingly enough, the only relief i could get prior to the dentist was biting down on ice with the tooth that was in pain. my hygenist believed it was because i was increasing the pain so much that i couldn’t process it any longer)

i don’t feel like i’m up to going out there and dealing with her drama. she’s mostly lonely and she says she won’t “work [me] too hard” which means i’ll be constantly, constantly doing small tasks basically every hour of the day. i’ll probably have to do laundry, put away the dishes (she has a dish washer), she’ll probably want me to sort through her food to make sure it’s still good, probably make dinner, and probably some inane bullshit like putting up all her photos that were taken down before christmas, and it all seems like so much

i’m lucky to really get one thing done right now. yesterday i did the dishes and was so proud of myself.

i just hate this. i love my grandmother, i love her so much. but i just hate this. i will have zero privacy, it will be way too hot (she seems to like it at 80 degress F while i sometimes find 72 to be warm)

if you pray, please pray for me. if you don’t, send me good vibes. i feel like crying again, i don’t want to do this even a little and it’s going to be so fucking hard, especially since she’s going to put her emotional baggage on me and i just can’t handle that.

[saturnsovereign]

all the numbers

aight, i got nothing else to do. i’ll try to keep them less than a paragraph short tho. 

1: Talk about the first time you watched your favorite movie.First, I’d have to decide my overall favorite movie, but I don’t have a Favorite ya know. But if I had to pick some, my default answer is Beauty and the Beast and Treasure Planet. I don’t really remember watching Beauty and the Beast but I do know that I loved their soundtrack. Treasure Planet, I’d seen some clips on youtube and one of them made me cry so I thought I’d check it out and man I loved it bc of the adventure and space and pirates. :D

2: Talk about your first kiss.My first kiss happened the summer of my Sophomore-Junior year of HS and its what set up the drama for Junior year. Anyway, confused feelings had been in place beforehand and I had gotten with and broke-up with my ex-bf in a little more than a month due to conflicting feelings that I realized during our band trip to Disneyland. Fast forward a few months, my friend confessed her feelings for me first over text, and I said I felt the same way. She invites me to her birthday party which was a sleepover. Once everybody fell asleep I kissed her on the cheek and I thought that would be it, but she pulled me back for a kiss on the lips… and then we had a makeout session for like the whole night. Then a few weeks pass and she dumps me. :/ What made it worse was that she held it over me for the rest of the school year since we were on the same team together. 

3: Talk about the person you’ve had the most intense romantic feelings for.This one is easily my girlfriend. I’ve told the story about the prank and our fake dating shenanigans, but lord I fell for her so hard. I have a thing about touch, and I don’t really like it when people touch me all the time or without permission. But with her man.. her hugs–I’m shorter than her so she basically envelopes me and like I still think back to the first day I came back after That Day which was band camp weekend but man that was a good hug and we weren’t even dating yet. Sorry, I digress, but I found her so much easier to trust than everybody else I’d been with. Like with my ex-bf I was always holding back my actual feelings/pretend everything was ok and with ss I always had to watch my language, and like with both of them I never got around to fully trusting. But with her-my gf-I trusted her before we started dating and I trusted her so much more after we got together. I trust her still to this day. And with the romantic feelings bit, I’m not afraid of being a dork around her and flirt with her and hold her and god. She’s so beautiful. 

4: Talk about the thing you regret most so far.There’s a lot of things I regret. But I think rn, the one I can tell you is that I didn’t work hard enough in high school bc I never thought I’d make it through high school. 

5: Talk about the best birthday you’ve had.This last one actually. Heh. I got to spend my day with my gf :)

6: Talk about the worst birthday you’ve had.I don’t really have bad birthdays, I just hate my birthdays bc I don’t like having been born. :/

7: Talk about your biggest insecurity.Idk what exactly is my biggest insecurity but I’ll talk about all my other insecurities. I think I’m a horrible conversationalist, being all awkward and highly introverted. I don’t complain about my body too much but I certainly don’t celebrate it. I hate my laugh and my voice, and I don’t think my face is really anything to look at I used to think everybody just talked to me because they had no other choice but to. I feel easily replaceable and forgettable. I feel like I’m dumb af bc I’m not exactly the quickest thinker and sometimes I can’t hear people. I feel like I’m always doing the wrong thing and I stand out but not in a good way. I just feel like a good annoyance in general. 

8: Talk about the thing you are most proud of.I’m proud of being able to graduate high school. :/9: Talk about little things on your body that you like the most.I like my calves, they’re the only thing that show I have some muscle. I used to like my biceps too but they’ve deflated and there’s like no muscle there anymore. I like that my ears can do the little wiggle thingy. Also my hands can type medium-fast speed. 

10: Talk about the biggest fight you’ve ever had.The biggest fight I’ve had is with myself ever since I wanted to kms. But if you want an external fight, its probably the one between me and ss since that shit lasted hella long. 

11: Talk about the best dream you’ve ever had.I don’t remember dreams unless they’re really weird.12: Talk about the worst dream you’ve ever had.Idk if you’d count it as a nightmare bc it was just super weird but I remember a dream about people getting turned it leaves, and witches, and Professor X and idk its all just a mess. 

13: Talk about the first time you had sex/how you imagine your first time.The first time I had sex was in the guard room. And like it was weird bc I’ve never masturbated and stuff so I didn’t know how anything felt down there. I’ve never used a tampon by then so I’ve never had anything inserted there. Also I was pretty unaware where tf my clit was… So. My point is, there was a lot of confusing sensations but I didn’t really mind bc it was my gf who took my virginity. 

14: Talk about a vacation.I went to Lake Tahoe with my gf and her family and we did like hella romantic shit. Like we went on a stroll on the beach at night with all the constellations and we did stuff in bed and we went to an arcade and we swam and man that was a lot of fun. I was on my period tho for most of it, which sucked but. 🤷🏻‍♀️

15: Talk about the time you were most content in life.I just really think about the times my gf would hold me and I’d focus on her heartbeat and the feel of her and nothing else. 16: Talk about the best party you’ve ever been to.idk about this one. With parties, I usually get peopled out. 17: Talk about someone you want to be friends with.I don’t have anyone rn since school hasn’t started yet for me and also I’m pretty anti-social. :/18: Talk about something that happened in elementary school.I was known for being the most aggressive girl/team member in gym floor hockey during PE. So like, picture this, from 3rd graders to 6th graders all being in the same PE class since there were so little of us. Now imagine smaller me coming up behind a taller, older boy and ramming them into the wall in order to get the hockey puck. Also imagine smaller me, sprinting–and I was the fastest girl in my grade for a while–and practically charging at you to get that hockey puck. Needless to say, people liked being on my team. 19: Talk about something that happened in middle school.I was in 7th grade, and I had just transferred into my new school. I had been sitting alone at lunch, minding my own business, and reading a book when three girls come up to me. They introduce themselves and invite me to sit at lunch with them. They really helped. 

20: Talk about something that happened in high school.For my final english project in senior year, we had to do a live acting of Romeo and Juliet. I was in the odd ones out group and it had a bunch of people who would never be in a group together unless they were forced to- which we were. I had done all the preparation for the script, it was like two days before the final date and we agreed to meet at the park’s ampitheater to do a final run together. I had just come back from performing at a parade and lord I was tired. We were fighting about how things were supposed to go a lot. 

21: Talk about a time you had to turn someone down.During 8th grade, I got transferred into another PE class since I signed up for creative writing and there was only one period of it. I don’t remember how, but I eventually became friends with this scrawny kid named Tiger.. no joke. Anyway, I distinctly remember one time we were sitting inside on some bleachers and there were those jerk-y middle school boys behind us and they started picking on him. I remember looking at them and like telling something along the lines of back off. Anyway, skipping to 8th grade dance, I was with my friends when Tiger came along and asked for me to slow dance with him. I did. He was the second person I slow danced with. After a few slow dances my friends were making fun of me for it, but like not bc of him, more that someone asked me to slow dance and they were like poking harmless fun. Thing was, I knew he had a crush on me but I really didn’t return the feelings. Moving on to freshmen year, he calls up my mom due to bowditch directory, and asked me to go to the movies with him. I had to turn him down. 22: Talk about your worst fear.My worst fear, there are a good few fears that tie for that spot. My first one is my fear of abandonment and like disappointing everyone to the point that they just realize its better to go on without me. To an extent, its my fear of being forgotten. My second one, the fear of myself, or rather my intrusive thoughts, and being faced with all things I’ve done and thought, knowing everything that’s happened is my fault and getting confirmation of that. Fear that I’d hurt someone because of something I did. The third one is losing everything that matters to me. 

23: Talk about a time someone turned you down.Let’s just talk about my “breakup” with SS during Sophomore-Junior summer bc it was kinda shitty. The reason its in quotations is bc is it actually a break-up if you were never officially together in the first place. Like, the details get muddled up but she essentially told me over text. I remember this because I was just coming back from working on my drum major routine over the summer, I was on a bridge when I got the text. Something along the lines of her parents and her religion and stuff. It really sucked bc it was before I would leave for guard camp and the people who were going with me had shipped both me and her together. :/

24: Talk about something someone told you that meant a lot.There was one time in Brentwood and one time after SCVC camp. But thats between me and her.

25: Talk about an ex-best friend.For the 4th time today, I’m talking about SS. Like c’mon universe really? Anyway, she was a best friend but honestly man, she wasn’t even the best of my friends. She was a close friend, but she wasn’t the best friend. It didn’t help that I had had a crush on her for half the time before our really bad and long ass fight. 26: Talk about things you do when you’re sick.I just realized I haven’t been properly sick in a while like sick with a fever so I actually have to stay in bed. Like I’d usually get like sniffles and a cough but I’d be okay for the day. So like, I like piling myself in blankets and hide from the world really. 

27: Talk about your favorite part of someone else’s body.The eyes will always get me. Take that and add a smile, and bruh. Thats beauty. 

28: Talk about your fetishes.Forgive me, but I had to search these up bc I didn’t know what exactly counted as a fetish. So like if something isn’t a fetish just like.. tell me or something. So like BDSM like light bondage and blindfold and stuff. Strap-on. Dom/Sub stuff and like orgasm control/denial? Are hickies considered a fetish? I’m reading here something about being bitten but idk if that means voyeurism or like vampire roleplay or if they mean hickies. 

29: Talk about what turns you on.My gf ;) But like kissing. Neck and ear biting/nibbling.  Dry humping. Hair pulling- moreso bc of my haircut. Teasing. When my gf is being really dominant. Also when my gf is being really submissive and her moans. ;D

30: Talk about what turns you off.Those gifs of porn when you’re searching up a tag on tumblr and like bruh, I just wanted to see a pic about like puppy i didn’t need to see some bondage gay puppy roleplay like c’mon!

31: Talk about what you think death is like.A rest from the thoughts in your head. Quiet. The final escape. Maybe you get a second chance. That the next universe you experience, you’re in control, that you get to relive your life but better the next time around.  

32: Talk about a place you remember from your childhood.I remember the first time I stepped foot in the Post Office in my hometown/childhood city. It looked different from the PO in place where we used to live. It was made of bricks and it looked really cool. I’ve only gone in once or twice but I remember all the PO boxes and the wooden shelves and getting to learn how to send a letter. Idk why exactly I remember this but yeah. 

33: Talk about what you do when you are sad.Depends how sad I am. Sometimes I try to distract myself, sometimes I just stew in those thoughts. If its night, then I have a good chance of crying myself to sleep.

34: Talk about the worst physical pain you’ve endured.Idk when I get leg cramps in the middle of the night. It used to happen all the time during Sophomore and Junior year and I’d feel it throughout the day. 

35: Talk about things you wish you could stop doing.Living. heh. Procrastinating and being depressed. 

36: Talk about your guilty pleasures.ml and pr. shhhh

37: Talk about someone you thought you were in love with.5th time. Hopefully my last time talking about her. The reason that what happened between us hurt so much was bc I thought I was in love with her once. That’s why every time she’d shove a crush of hers in my face or something that I’d forgive her. But I got tired of it and waiting for her. I moved on. And it was a good decision bc I now have someone I really am in love with. But she didn’t like it, and apparently she had still “loved” me by letting me go, but thats just bullshit. That’s just bullshit. 

38: Talk about songs that remind you of certain people.I have a whole playlist for my gf. And then there’s No by Meghan Trainor that my friend really hates XD

39: Talk about things you wish you’d known earlier.That I’d make it through HS and graduate. Maybe I could have built something up rather than assume I wouldn’t make it. 

40: Talk about the end of something in your life.It was my birthday, so it was the end of me being that age I was before. 

[goddamned-catnapped]

Personal rant-- Long af just ignore this pls

Ok so like i have a highly dysfunctional family-- my dad works out of my country but he never pays anything for us; not even school/college fees for me and my sis and so on. My mother also used to work outside and used to give the whole fam financial support but now she's retired. Mom and Dad haven't talked to each other for over 20 days. Mom has a stress facture in her ankle and has trouble walking. She also once fainted at her workplace but Dad still doesn't care. Dad has never done anything for us yet he says he loves us and so on and moreover he used to ask mom for money now and then. My relatives aren't nice either-- my mom has three sisters out of which she's the eldest one and the second probably doesnt even know we exist and ive never seen her and she's out somewhere in libya and the third is very selfish and has a lot of pride and the last fourth one is a fucking bitch-- always cynical and backbites and shit. My grandmother is also selfish and arrogant and does not let a week pass by without creating problems. I think I have depression-- no i KNOW i have depression and that's not because ive had the symptoms for just a week-- ive been like this for over 3 years or more. Moreover I cut myself first when I was 11 and even now people tend to think we are just following an internet trend. I also know I have depersonalization-derealization disorder because I have the symptoms. I wasnt able to tell my mother that i even had depression so i made my sis tell her (she found out by accident because she saw my scars) and my mother didnt really talk to me about it and instead took my symptoms (headaches & mood swings + hypersomnia; sis didnt go into much detail) as something that was not related to my mental disorder and said "Change yourself". I had stayed away from my family for over two and a half years to study alone with my grandmother and my fourth aunt and they are very toxic kind of people-- they remain nice and suddenly stab you with knives out of nowhere. I've suffered a lot because of them and because of the toxic classmates I had in 10th grade-- I made no friends there. i cant tell my mom because she already worries too much. But she sometimes screams at me if i make a small mistake and cusses and takes out the anger and frustration of other people on me. I always thought that we are a family so who would we scream at if not at each other-- understanding and shit you know. But when I feel suffocated and so fucking horrible inside i dont tell that to anyone so if I get even slightly irritated-- my mom cannot tolerate that either. She's a very meticulous person so I try to live up to her expectations and sometimes I really wish she'd at least say "well done". It really hurts honestly. It hurts a lot. I didnt want to burden her with my problems so I never said anything. She always talks about how she has suffered and what not. If she was bring irritated with me (which is very often), and i told her to not cause too many problems because I already deal with a lot She'd say-- (no she HAS actually already told me)-- What "problems" do you even have huh? Honestly, I try to keep up with this family. But I just really want to die. I dont know why my family has to be like this. I have friends now and I am a senior and all my friends always talk about stories about the funny moments theyve had with their parents and what not while I have none. I always keep a straight face when mom tells me about how awful dad is. It really hurts because our relationships are so strained that it makes me want to cry when I see other people's parents loving their kids and having a happy family overall. I dont even remember the last time we all sat together and laughed. I always help people but even now I dont know how to ask for help. These past years all I have done is cry behind locked doors, put on fake smiles and cut myself almost every single day. When I look at myself in the mirror, I don't recognize myself and I don't feel like I am me or I am my own person. "So this is how I look like to other people" is the first thought that comes to mind. Because I was so alone I made online friends but most of them were toxic too and its amazing how I have not killed myself yet. I dont like how my face looks and maybe I am the only one who is not happy with her skin color. I know it shouldnt bother me but I am slightly chubby, have acne (almost no one in my class has that) and I am brown. I try to think positively but it feels so fake and i get even more frustrated with myself. When i cut myself i (almost never) bleed but it leaves scars that takes months to heal even small scratches but even now my left arm is slightly discolored. My mom wants dad to provide us with financial support and so she tells us to indirectly take out the money from him like some sort of a politician. Why. Is this how the relations in a family work? I have to act like i am not affected by any of this because i dont want to make problems for my mother. But neither does she have time for me nor does she care enough. You know, I would live on streets and have diseases if that meant that I would have someone who would understand me. Even from when I was young, my sister was in another country and mom and dad were almost always out for work and i would be left with my maids. I have never had anyone to emotionally connect with. I really want to help and even though I am so talkative-- the words that are important to say never come out. When I talk to people, I don't recognize my voice and if I do, it feels very fake and i dont even like the words coming out of my mouth. I have become so mentally unstable that I became so hostile to an extent that I was about to attack my mother and thought to just kill her right then and there and the next day while she was talking to me, i just thought "this was the person i wanted to kill huh?" and that really scared me. I have never felt any love from my mom's side and have never emotionally connected with her so at this point I don't know how it feels to have a mother or a father. It's the same as being an orphan for me. Even surrounded by people, I feel alone. I hate that I cant say something simple like "I am in pain and I want you to help me". Whenever I get really angry or frustrated, if I dont cut myself, I either dont eat or I just become very violent with myself. I think maybe I just tend to introspect a lot (if thats what its called). When i finally did tell someone (a net friend) that i had depression, he just said 'you dont have depression' and when i was trying to console his friend and just told him that yanno i had depression but shit happens so you shouldnt feel so down and stuff, he (not his friend) made a group with me and my sister and said that i wanted attention so i keep telling everyone that i had depression. It was a long time ago but i still remember all of it. I remember how my mother slapped me once so hard that my cheek turned blue when it wasnt even my fault. I remember she was hitting me with some pole for something I had not done. Once she even told me "why did i even give birth to you" when she wanted me to just check out a dress and show it to her and dad and i just had a straight face on and that annoyed her cuz it looked gloomy or my annoyed face and shit. It has always been easier for her to tell others she is suffering and to scream at me and call me a bitch and other things whenever she feels like and wants to. She has never said sorry to me and almost all the times i have kept quite and i never told her about how i had felt like shit and wanted to cry and had suicidal thoughts almost all the time. All I have been made to feel is that its my fault and i have even tried to stand up for myself but no one ever listens to me or cares at all. Even now presently i am hiding my tears for some fucking dumbass reason that I dont want my mom to see it because if i tell her to leave me alone she will not listen. When i get like this and feel suffocated, I avoid eye contact because it would feel so intrusive if someone looked at me straight in the eye and found out all my deepest dark secrets. I am not the positive, helpful, happy, funny, talkative friend/person that I show to others because its all just a facade to hide the fact that i am actually a very pessimistic and cold type of person. I know i would have the coldest eyes if I ever showed that self. I envy people who are happy and have happy lives and I despise and hate so much that I want the people who hurt me to suffer so much that theyd want to die. And some times i hate everyone and want them all to die. At this point i dont care if my family dies because it feels as if they are just some people i know. My mother has just become an annoying roommate who demands more respect than is to be given to the average person is all. I dont feel like i have any relation with my father. Me and my sister's relationship is the "so close yet so far away". Yes, I am trash and an overall disgusting person who can never be as good as others nor be able to give others happiness or make things better for anyone and cant do anything except create more problems for everyone and cant help but sometimes be too nice to people so much so that i get hurt and so i become a little too cruel which again fills me with guilt and there is no in-between. I really just want to kill myself because maybe it'll do someone some good and if not.. then its still fine, I wouldnt care because I would be dead by then anyway.