#MU plays FMK

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Marry, fuck, kill: the Darkling, Ivan and S&B!Genya

(do both the show and their book counterparts😏)

My initial reaction included rather vulgar exclamation, because HOW DARE YOU?!

Then my mind skipped to contemplation of the hit list to determine the hardest choice, when suddenly it wasn't difficult at all.

Show!verse:

Kill Ivan and frame Alina's side to ensure Fedyor won't join them. Wait, that's just following book version of events, enriched by show!Fedyor's personality! Or- assuming Fedya lived after first season-, finish Vanya and get the recount of the events leading to his tragic demise inside the Fold to his grieving spouse.

My sincerest apologies to both Ivan and Simon Sears- I love you both-, but greater good, impossible choices etc. etc. Perhaps Ivan would not outright approve, but he'd understand.

Marry Genya, because I just had to marry one of her, and I can picture myself sitting and lovingly gazing at this bitch (affectionate) for the rest of my life.

Fuck Aleksander, because I may be ace, but I'm not fucking blind and apparently he's up to this sort of leisure activities, so y'no... not my first choice of parlour games, but what kind of idiot dismisses THIS level of experience?!

Book!verse:

Kill Sasha- truly, or fake it-, because I love him and this is the only way to make him take a DAMN BREAK.

Marry Ivan and be loyal, snarky and realistic together.

Fuck (the monarchy over, hand in hand with) Genya. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't kick her out of bed, if she were up to it, so would I, but given her history, she'd have to initiate. To be quite honest, I'd be more comfortable letting her take charge. Besides- she deserves to be worshipped as the Goddess she is.

This turned out a bit more gay, than originally intended...

[stromuprisahat]

FMK:Agnieszka,The Darkling and Genya Safin(a)

MARRY AGNIESZKA, MY BELOVED PEASANT SPIRIT ANIMAL!!!

We'd eat disgusting fruits and hug some trees and roll around in dirt!

After some consideration fuck Aleksander and kill Genya.

It would be a shame to let all those centuries of experience go to waste, and whenever I remember Genya's fate since second book... well, let's call it mercy killing.

[stromuprisahat]

FMK - Inej, Kaz, Jesper (assuming everyone involved is of age, book or show version, though I'd love to hear both)

Book:

Fuck Kaz, because he'd faint after five seconds of hand holding, and I'd have the rest of the night to enjoy room service or snoop around, depending on where we'd be.

Marry Inej, because she's the kind of religious person I might enjoy talking to.

Kill Jesper, because a few chapters in during my re-read he's such a dick, especially to Wylan. And needy. I don't like too dependent people. I have an urge to bite them in aggressive non-sexual way.

Show:

Fuck Jesper, because he's just a flirty bi here.

Marry Kaz, because they made him much less capable and more money-focused, so I'd just wait for the plot armour to get rusty, pack our joint material possessions and all the kruge in safe, then promptly bash him over his head with his wizard-defeating stick. That should do the trick.

Kill Inej, because they made her a religious fanatic with no empathy.

[stromuprisahat]

Kill Marry fuck

Will, Hannibal, Aleksander

Easy, easy, easy!!!

Fuck Hannibal, because he's a gentleman, who knows how to enjoy all life has to offer, so he'll know how to please a person.

Marry Sasha, since out of the three that's least likely to turn out badly for me.

And kill Will- not because it rhymes, but even when seemingly helpless, he's hardly defenceless. I mean... this man looks like a puppy, then beats a man to death with his bare hands.

[stromuprisahat]

fuck, marry, kill Mal, Baghra, Apparat

I had a chance to consider all of these before, so it's quite a dilemma.

Apparat is a tool. Either to marry- and take over his cult-, or to fuck- in case he's Rasputin-level endowed and skilled.

Baghra would be lovely to kill while Aleksander's young, so she doesn't keep traumatizing him over and over. Having a third party to blame for it might help him dealing with her loss.

I've also had to choose her for fuck option once, but I'd rather not repeat it.

Now Malyen's a burden Alina and the reader have to drag around for way too long... it would be best to drop him, before the shackle fully forms. I couldn't find it in gifs, so:

I've also chose to marry him once, so that one's on the table too.

Ohmygods! It turned into WHICH PART OF DARKLINA DO I WANNA SAVE?!

It would seem there are two clear options:

Fuck the Apparat, marry Malyen and kill Baghra.

Fuck Baghra, marry the Apparat and kill Malyen.

Decisions, decisions...

First option's more tedious, but I'd get to prevent more damage, since Baghra fucked up both Aleksander and Alina.

Second would offer me more power and the child homicide sounds awfully tempting.

The best way to pick between two options it to wait until the world decides for you, so I guess we'd see WHEN would I get my chance. To kill "young" Baghra or "settle" for thæt tracker...

[stromuprisahat]

Kill marry fuck

Mal, Tamar, Tolya

I might surprise you, because I'm totally marrying Mal. I hate his guts, but I have three advantages over Alina:

a.) I hate his guts, so even his unnatural charm would have a lot to do before I'd cease picturing bashing his head in with the nearest heavy object.

b.) I don't have common past with him to cling to.

c.) I know he's abusive. It doesn't give me immunity to snide remarks, slutshaming or callousness, but at least I know what I'm getting into. And I know my worth. I'm resilient, and I love literature.

One of my favourite classics deals with unwanted marriage, except I've always had an issue with its ending. I know better than the heroine, and you shouldn't serve your husband funnily tasting coffee only once...

We know Malyen was capable and popular in the army. Without Alina to ruin his career for, he might even earn something before his unexpectedly early death...

I'm only nearing the ending of "their" first book, but so far Tolya seems like the worse and louder bigot. I find the idea of fucking him even more repulsive than his sister.

Fuck Tamar in some fancy hotel, so perhaps she can slip on one of those tiny soaps after... and outright kill her brother. Preferably beforehand, so I can inform her as she's gasping for air with her cracked skull.

I'm gonna end here, because it was getting a bit gory, and I had to delete the rest.

[stromuprisahat]

fuck, marry, kill: Baghra, Apparat, Jarl Brum

On one hand I would really, really love to kill Baghra. Complex characters my ass, fuck her for what she kept doing to Aleksander and his siblings.

But there's a Nazi in the trio, and I cannot possibly let live the man, who doesn't think twice about systematic rape, forced addiction or use of the very same people he views as subhuman for military purposes.

So here we are... fuck her... ~fuck~ Baghra...

It would be a chore for both of us, but it's a one-time thing, right?! I've never felt more Asexual in my life... ... although at least she's hot. Morozova genes and such... dark-haired MILF... (Except I'd rather not, but we've been over this.)

Just don't forget protection! Not even two female forms would make me feel safe enough, and I certainly don't intend to bring a new being into the world, since I'm not gonna care about any. It's called "responsibility", lady!

Which leaves the Apparat to marry, and I couldn't be happier! I don't think Ravkan priests can marry, so either I'm off the hook or a dirty little secret with an access to all the religious text one could wish for, to go and use our illegal union to ruin the man's whole career.

Besides, I was born for fanatic speeches. Alina's afraid of zealots? I'd found a REAL cult with ME as its one and ONLY head!

[stromuprisahat]

Hannibal, Will and Jack 👀

This is hard because all three of those are a part of my OTPs. The solid kind I cannot picture with anyone else, no matter what we know happens in canon. There's no one else for Murder Husbands, and while I'm not exactly fond of Jack, I love his and Bella's story.

A gun to head situation:

Fuck Will, Marry Jack, Kill Hannibal.

I've decided to follow Margot's example (minus pregnancy) sort of because I know it's possible and in this case I don't have clear preferences. Also we've seen how does "marry" or "kill" Will work, and I don't want to wake these sides of him.

Marry Jack, because he'd be either attentive husband after losing his first wife, or constantly at work, which I would love to stick my nose into. 'Cause y'no... MURDER!!!

And (assuming I'm supposed to be successful in my endeavours) kill Hannibal, because there's something immensely thrilling about hunting an apex predator AND winning.

[stromuprisahat]

FMK:Zoya,Alina and Inej

Now, this is getting complicated.

Books:

Marry Inej for reasons stated here.

TGT version:

Fuck Zoya, because I respected her as arrogant mean bitch AND I'm a huge fan of the Snow Maiden look she used to have.

Kill Alina, which I count as mercy killing, considering how she's constantly being brought down, and eventually mutilated.

KoS version:

Kill Zoya, because she seems to be unable to learn and objectively she should doom at least all of Ravka, for which I might not care a drop, but I'm prone to honour and respect Aleksander's work and sacrifices.

This would leave Alina to fuck, but that feels too much like necrophilia or molesting feeble-minded, so I'm afraid I'd have to fuck Inej, and marry Alina. I dare say I'd be better choice than Malyen (and keeping her away from him is certainly a plus). I might look after her for Sasha, and once he'll crawl out of that tree we can search for the rest of her. Maybe we can work on her other issues in the meantime. I'm not a therapist, but I'm good in giving great advices (and not following them)!

Show:

Until cca. 01×05:

Marry Alina. *delusional voice* BECAUSE I COULD TOTALLY FIX HER!!!

And Jessie's incredibly cute.

Fuck Zoya, because she doesn't seem to have problem with one night stands as long as they don't repeat.

Kill Inej (again- reasons in the link above).

After 01×05, ESPECIALLY S02:

Okay, here we go...

Kill Alina, because the amount of times I wanted to do that during this period... watching the entitled, cruel psychopath they wrote her as... there hasn't been a day since when I wouldn't feel sorry for Jessie for getting ~that~ to work with.

Fuck Inej, I guess... It's neither a person, nor activity I'd choose out of my own free will, but Amita is pretty, so that's a plus...

I cannot believe I'm gona write this, but I'd marry Zoya! She DID have her five seconds of lucidity in second season, so I guess I'd be left to hope there will come another, one day...

[stromuprisahat]

fuck marry kill the Darkling's #1 squad from book, show, and stupid duology: Fruzsi, Ivan, and Yuri Vedenen

Fuck Fruszi, because she's cute af and slightly nuts.

Marry Ivan, because he's my spirit animal every time he appears on screen or page.

Kill Yuri, because as clever as he is in some aspects, in others he's written as a carricature done by a person, who didn't get a single point of their critics.

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The same choice Alina had.

Aleksander, Nikolai and Mal 😏

This is easy.

Fuck Nikolai- he's a people-pleaser, he's likely to know how to please a woman.

Marry Aleksander- even if we didn't like each other, he knows how to get along with people he'd otherwise rather avoid, so the worst-case scenario- we'd be able to come up with some sort of arrangement.

Kill... do you really have to ask? Show!Mal had a personality of a cardboard dummy, and not many things would make me happy as much as causing book!Malyen's death in a thousand different ways.

The last one's non-negotiable, I could switch the first two- Nikolai seemed pretty cool with marriage only on a paper (although I don't think he could be happy that way), should that be the case, and let's be honest- hundreds of y/o immortal in Darkles' position will have some considerable experience in bedroom activites (aside from maybe pillow battles, and ~I~ would gladly introduce him to those).

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The Apparat, Jarl Brum, King-rapist😈 because I'm evil and because it's fun

Marry the King, because he doesn't seem that interested in his wife, and I'm hardly his type. Also: Genya's not the only person familiar with poisons, and I'd look great in a crown.

Now, would I rather fuck a Nazi, or Rasputin-wannabe?

I think fuck the Apparat, because if he has anything in common with the filthy monk, the dick should be worth the bath.

That leaves slow, painful death to "Hi, my name is a FUCKING TITLE!", which makes me happy, because I grew up in Terezín, and that puts "humanity" of his kind of people into a perspective. No Grisha experiments in MY house, thank you very much!

[stromuprisahat]

fuck marry kill: s1 Will Graham, s2 Will Graham, s3 Will Graham 😈🖤

Fuck season 2 Will, because that plotting cunt was so worth it even a lesbian slept with him.

Marry season 1 Will, because he's a puppy and I fully understand Hannibal's urge to make him worse.

Kill season 3 Will, because he finally got to fulfill his potential, so it would be like getting into close combat with a lion. May the better one persevere...

[stromuprisahat]

FMK: Book!Sansa,B1!Genya,Book!Inej

While I'll work with their personalities the way we see them, obviously I'd age them up to twenties for the purposes of the game (although I consider that a given).

Fuck Sansa, because she's gorgeous, but she's a part of my OTP, so I can't marry her... 🤷‍♀️

Marry Genya, for reasons mentioned here, because she's absolutely badass, and to be fair of all three she's (understandably) the most mature.

Boring kill option- Inej, because out of the three, she's my "least" favourite. Or to put it differently- I love Sansa and Genya much more-, but hey- Kaz could claim he never heard of her, perhaps we could "kill" the Wraith and let Inej live. Or wait til she's old and wrinkly and terminally ill... Or...