#Liv and the cv

[bobbie-robron]

Going into town for a few drinks. Won’t be late.

16-Jul-2018

[ashrafqatrawi]

Hello everyone, I am Ashraf Al-Qatrawi from Gaza living in difficult circumstances while everyone knows what is happening here in Gaza.. The war is killing everyone, young and old.. The chance of survival is small here.. You can share this or donate via the link in the CV here now in order to save the family.

[mummers-of-the-heart]

To My Dearest One (Leon Kennedy x GN!Reader)

Premise: Leon comes home after a mission.

Sad Vibes/Slight Comfort, Song fic

Word count: 1072

Content warning: Not beta read or really edited if I'm honest. Vague Infinite Darkness and RE6 spoilers. Leon and his whole deal, especially post-RE4 stuff. Depression. Isolation. Implied suicidal thoughts. Reader is sort of a living emotional crutch for Leon. Also reader is not quite all right. I can't write domestic fluff for the life of me. Look, the grammar is going to be a mess, I constantly switch between using APA, AP, and MLA on a regular basis for professional stuff. My brain is gonna zone out here.

Song fic time and first time writing Leon. Came up with the idea while I was studying for my interrogation test for history and I had a concert where this song was performed playing in the background. Finished writing this in between studying for my psych exam in a couple days. Hope you enjoy (๑˃̵ᴗ˂̵)

Song: Itoshiki Hito E (To My Dearest One) by Kotobuki Reiji (CV: Morikubo Showtaro), Translation by Utapri No Sekai (slight variation by me)

The apartment is quiet besides the sounds of light music and cooking as he enters. Despite living there for a few years, it lacks much character causing it to feel hollow. One of the only things proving that it was Leon's apartment was the sun damaged photos, yellowed with time.

One of them from years ago as he visited Sherry on her birthday. The smile on the girl's face. Claire.

It all felt so distant.

Everything grew out of reach. Nothing seemed to last for a broken man, especially for one who had the bright sparkle in his eyes beaten out so violently.

As he approaches the kitchen, the smell of onion and herbs wafting through the air, Leon notices the nostalgic yellow tinted light that colors the white walls.

At the stove-top was a familiar figure standing before a pot of soup.

You.

A heart made of glass is always... hurting anything that tries to touch it. Yet you embrace it so tight without fear.

His arms wrap around your waist as his head sits upon yours in this rehearsed dance. He smells your shampoo as he takes a deep breath.

"Welcome back, Leon.” You say in a light tone as if he wasn't gone for a little over a week. "I'm making tortellini soup tonight."

He can hear how much you missed him. Even if you don't say it, those feelings tinge your voice.

"Mmm," he sighs with closed eyes, "That sounds good. Haven't had that in awhile."

Leon’s hold on you is strong. He wants to savor the moment.

There’s an itch in the back of his mind; one that would never leave. That this relationship would only hurt you. That he was taking advantage of your kindness. That he could never express just how much he loved the sense of normalcy you brought.

As if sensing his emotions, you quietly grab his left hand with a softness Leon wasn’t used to feeling.

Your hands were light compared to his calloused hands, which were covered in blood. Regrets marred his digits.

The plush feeling of your lips is unfamiliar to his inner wrist. This intimate touch caused Leon to melt.

A simple touch, a simple act, a simple situation in your eyes but it doesn’t feel so simple to him.

A clink as the spoon is set down. You turn around to face him.

But such happiness is sometimes, through cruelty of God, suddenly in front of my eyes… disappears and it makes me so scared.

The look in your eyes, how greatly it contrasted the steely eyes he would see everyday. Fresh eyes that didn’t twist with fear, changed. Not hardened by painful experiences. The look in your eyes is different.

Tired but understanding.

It is something that Leon was grateful for. A calm in a life that he felt so little choice or support in. A happiness from not feeling alone.

A deep hunger satiated but it caused a fear to rise.

What if you saw what he faces everyday? What if you got hurt even more than before? What if… you left?

They kept scratching at the back of his mind.

I live only for your sake. This voice will take an oath, to my dearest one.

Night carried on. Dinner came and went. No discussion of his work.

The ticking of the clock counting down the seconds before the feeling of the mattress would soon greet the two of you. The nighttime routine felt so unfamiliar. He was a stranger to this domestic moment.

“Apparently Sara,” your coworker, Leon had to remind himself as you spoke, “had decided to drag me out while you were gone. Saying that I was being too focused on work again.”

You roll your eyes in a familiar manner as you wipe the skin of your face with a cloth. There’s a soft, tired look, one that is aware of reality.

“Right.” Leon responds. “I already know you were hunched over your desk, typing away at a proposal looking like Gollum." He chuckles as he remembers the first time he saw you at work.

“Hey.” You pout cutely in response, before sitting on the bathroom counter and sighing. “Let me see your face.”

You put out your hand expectantly and he obliges as he puts his chin in your hand. Reaching with your other to grab his cloth and wetting it with water, you smile sweetly with the look that Leon loved.

A careful caress with the cloth as you clean his face. Your thumb traces over faint scars, reminders of the memories he can never escape. There’s a tightening in his heart at this touch.

As you finish and wring out the cloth, you turn back to face him still sitting on the counter. The softness of your hand shifts to cradle the side of his face.

In response, he lifts your chin with his fingers and gives that charming smile of his. “I have the world in my hands.”

“Not sure about that.” You reply softly. “Pretty sure I got it in mine.”

As you get into bed, due to a learned habit after living with Leon for four months, get into the side of the bed away from the door. He lies across from you and lets out a heavy sigh, as he feels exhaustion wash over him.

His hand finds its way to your waist as the light turns off. Leon’s face burrows itself in the crook of your neck, like something was commanding him to get as close as possible to you. To find the core to the warmth. The rhythm of your breath, a lullaby, gently sends him to sleep as his fingers curl atop your skin slightly.

Even at that moment, the scratching turned into digging.

Your eyes heavy and on the verge of the precipice, a whisper drifts from Leon’s lips as he is asleep.

“My only… Make me happy when…”

Will it be sent to you? Will it be conveyed? Words will never be enough… for this feeling of mine, to my dearest one.

By the time the rays of the sun bounce off your gentle skin, Leon is awake and doesn’t move as he watches you sleep peacefully. A smile creeps onto his face as he notices a line of drool.

In that moment, the man, who long lost his faith and wishes, says a silent prayer.

AN: Like what you read? Consider reblogging or leaving a comment. Thanks for reading.

[imasallstars]

961 PRODUCTION presents "Re:FLAME"

Details regarding the 961PRODUCTION live has been revealed! The MR liv will occur in ROHM THEATRE KYOTO MAIN HALL and ASOBI STAGE on the 24th and 28th of August 2024

The following characters will be participating in the live:

DAY 1 (Re:MEMBER/MOON) & DAY 2 (Re:SIST/STAR, Re:FRAME/SUN)

Miki Hoshii (cv. Akiko Hasegawa), Takane Shijou (cv. Yumi Hara), Hibiki Ganaha (cv. Manami Numakura)

FOLLOW UP PERFORMANCE (Re:FRAIN/DAWN, Re:FLAME/DUSK) [x]

Miki Hoshii (cv. Akiko Hasegawa), Takane Shijou (cv. Yumi Hara), Hibiki Ganaha (cv. Manami Numakura) [Re:FLAME/DUSK only: Kohaku Okuzora (cv. Aimi Tanaka), Aya (cv. Rina Hidaka)]

[365idolmaster]

DAY 64

Today's character?(???vtuber actually but now apart of a fictional agency but still no cv disclosed) is Letora! Letora was a VTuber idol who has now made her debut at 876 production. She enjoys singing, sleeping, collecting, and makeup in her free time.

FUN FACT: Letora is half Brazilian and her full name is Sara Letora Oliveira Utagawa.

i am admittedly super oblivious to va liv and i did think twice about including them on the wheel considering their vtuber situation because atp i am not quite sure what namco is going to do with their situation in 876 and if they will become 'characters' and if their vtuber activities were in universe or like real, there is kind of a blurry line. idk but i think their designs are cool so here they are. her hair is quite inaccurate lol but i like her design

bye bye!

[flamingpen18]

Van Drama

Dave and the guy helping him have taken apart the front end of the van and removed the steering column. They needed to do that to see what parts were needed. In order to get the van road worthy, it's going to take some major work. I really wish I spoke Car & Driver.

The van has a slew of issues the major one being the fact that it no longer goes into gear. It won't go into drive or park. It's a pain in the arse because it's stuck in neutral and moves if you just push it. The rack and pinion is the biggest issue.

The other issues are that it needs newer tires, brakes all around, fix the motor mount, shocks and struts, ad the cv joints in the front end. I really wish I spoke Car & Driver. It would all make sense and then I could explain it better.

Dave wants to try to get everything fixed at once since the van is apart and the guy helping him has other things to do.

New about an apartment: I received a call from a housing authority in Hagerstown, MD. I spoke with the gentlemen and reviewed my info. We talked for twenty minutes when he finally asked me if I could do steps. I am disabled and cannot do steps. We came so close to having an apartment. The guy put me on the list for a handicap-accessible apartment. It sucks because I was on the waiting list for 2 years.

We really need to find a place asap. Our daughter is moving back with us in a few weeks, as soon as school is over. The family can no longer afford to keep her there.

Please donate to our Go Fund Me. The money has to go to the van. Once that has been fixed, we are going to try to find a private owner that has a place we can afford even if it's an RV.

@helly-watermelonsmellinfellon

[heich0e]

good morning liv !!! i’m having another phone interview today this time with another company (it’s smaller and closer to home than the other one). do you have any advice on what questions to ask at the end of the interview? also any tips on dealing with nervousness before the interview 🫣

—🦋

GOOD MORNING LITTLE FRIEND!! wishing u a whole lotta luck with your interview today <3 i don't have a lot of experience interviewing for jobs but i think questions that are genuinely thoughtful about the structure of the company, the day to day culture in the office, or the "mission" of the organization/long term goals are all great because it tells the interviewer that you're already picturing yourself in the role longterm!! as for nervousness I think it's a little bit inevitable, but just remind yourself that there's a REASON they asked to interview you when they got your CV/application so you have every right and qualification to be there!! you are smart and beautiful and would be an asset to their team!! manifesting smooth sailing for you bub, please let me know how it goes ✨

[meowixen]

My Top Pokemon

0. Missingno I. Absol II. Delphox III. Meowscarada IV. Mega Absol V. Floragato VI. Meowstic VII. Sneasler VIII. Espurr IX. Fennekin X. Sprigatito XI. Mimikyu XII. Glaceon XIII. Umbreon XIV. Espeon XV. Leafeon XVI. Vulpix XVII. Zoroark XVIII. Cyndaquil XIX. Kirlia XX. Gardevoir XXI. Gengar XXII. Lopunny XXIII. Eevee XXIV. Jolteon XXV. Seel XXVI. Delibird XXVII. Deerling XXVIII. Luxio XXIX. Luxray XXX. Sylveon XXXI. Flareon XXXII. Piplup XXXIII. Dedenne XXXIV. Lyanroc XXXV. Gardevoir XXXVI. Pancham XXXVII. Pachirisu XXXVIII. Cubone XXXIX. Braixen XL. Pikachu XLI. Alcremie XLII. Ampharos XLIII. Blitzle XLIV. Arceus XLV. Cinderace XLVI. Kyogre XLVII. Dratini XLVIII. Tsareena XLIX. Shinx L. Weavile LI. Zangoose LII. Snivey LIII. Porygon LIV. Furfrou LV. Aron LVI. Poochyena LVII. Venusaur LVIII. Pangoro LIX. Zeraora LX. Pheromosa LXI. Chespin LXII. Delcatty LXIII. Popplio LXIV. Serperior LXV. Whimsicott LXVI. Servine LXVII. Bayleaf LXVIII. Buizel LXIX. Cinccino LXX. Sneasel LXXI. Ivysaur LXXII. Snorlax LXXIII. Buneary LXXIV. Litwick LXXV. Charmander LXXVI. Charmeleon LXXVII. Shaymin (sky) LXXVIII. Shaymin LXXIX. Spheal LXXX. Clefairy LXXXI. Clefable LXXXII. Cleffa LXXXIII. Squirtle LXXXIV. Dewgong LXXXV. Cottonee LXXXVI. Rowlet LXXXVII. Dialga LXXXVIII. Wooper LXXXIX. Wooloo XC. Dewott XCI. Quilava XCII. Dragonair XCIII. Emolga XCIV. Flaaffy XCV. Skitty XCVI. Liepard XCVII. Rookidee XCVIII. Quagsire XCIX. Zigzagoon C. Furret CI. Raichu CII. Vanillish CIII. Vanilluxe CIV. Rattata CV. Gastly CVI. Scorbunny CVII. CVIII. Grovyle CIX. Mew CX. Mewtwo CXI. Purrloin CXII. Goodra CXIII. Mudkip CXIV. Goomy CXV. Ralts CXVI. Reshiram CXVII. Raboot CXVIII. Slurpuff CXIX. Gyarados CXX. Steenee CXXI. Haunter CXXII. Hypno CXXIII. Purugly CXXIV. Thievul CXXV. Latias and Latios CXXVI. Marowak CXXVII. Nidorina and nidorino CXXVIII. Lilligant CXXIX. Lugia CXXX. Vanillite CXXXI. Maractus CXXXII. Mareep CXXXIII. Nidoking and Nidoqueen CXXXIV. Minun CXXXV. Plusle CXXXVI. Mismagius CXXXVII. Muk CXXXVIII. Munchlax CXXXIX. Nidoran CXL. Petilil CXLI. Pichu CXLII. Pikachu CXLIII. Primarina CXLIV. Typhlosion CXLV. Unown CXLVI. Wobbuffet

[dansk-udlandsrekruttering]

Sabbatår job

Tag et sabbatår job og oplev verden, mens du arbejder. Perfekt til at få erfaring og nye oplevelser. Find muligheder gennem os og gør dit sabbatår mindeværdigt.

Sabbatår job kan være din vej til nye eventyr og venskaber. Arbejd i udlandet, mød nye kulturer og berig dit CV. Vi hjælper dig hele vejen.

Drømmer du om et sabbatår job? Vi tilbyder spændende muligheder i udlandet, der giver dig både arbejde og oplevelser. Start dit eventyr med os.

Få mest muligt ud af dit sabbatår med et job i udlandet. Vi har de bedste muligheder, der kombinerer arbejde og rejse. Sabbatår job er din chance for at vokse.

Sabbatår job åbner dørene til en verden af muligheder. Arbejd i spændende lande og få erfaring, der tæller. Vi hjælper dig med at finde det perfekte job.

Et sabbatår job giver dig mulighed for at udforske nye lande og kulturer. Arbejd mens du rejser, og få uforglemmelige oplevelser. Vi guider dig til de bedste muligheder.

Find dit sabbatår job hos os og oplev verden, mens du arbejder. Vi tilbyder jobmuligheder, der giver dig både eventyr og værdifuld erhvervserfaring.

Sabbatår job er perfekt for dig, der ønsker at tage en pause og arbejde i udlandet. Oplev nye kulturer og få erfaring, der styrker dit CV. Vi står klar til at hjælpe.

Oplev et sabbatår job, hvor arbejde og rejse går hånd i hånd. Udforsk nye lande, mød spændende mennesker og berig dit liv. Vi finder de bedste job til dit sabbatår.

[whcwashe]

#low key, i feel like once everyone convinces liv that she needs to lay off of the scrying some in order to save her hands, she ends up spending a lot of time learning how to busy work with them instead just so she doesn’t get antsy and go back to bleeding all over maps when she doesn’t need to. which mostly means that she learns how to knit, and the like, but i also think that -- given her love for plants, and amphibians, and the like -- there’s a high chance that she also picks up a skill for repairing butterfly wings?

and she probably doesn’t do it often, but there’s definitely a butterfly habitat in the mill house JUST IN CASE she finds any over the summer. 

[marigoldbaker]

congratulations on all your thesis work! i’m sure it’s amazing; buffy studies has always needed more work on relatively minor characters like jenny. have you considered submitting it (or an excerpt of it) to watcher junior, the undergrad buffy studies journal? that’s what i did with a section of mine years ago, and it was a really cool experience (and a good line on my CV to this day, lol!). you might want to check it out!

i have a dear dear most beloved friend who suggested this to me way early in the process and also made my research what it is (iloveu liv) so it's very much a possible thing that is in consideration!!!! thank you very much for the suggestion and the congratulations!!! <333

[utau-bowl]

Ada VCV Multilang Review

I’m back! Work starts soon for me so I want to tie up any loose requests I have. This request comes from Liv, a huge supporter of the blog! If you haven’t listened to their covers already I will cry. Also visit their UST website to get swag and DOPE USTs!  I was genuinely shocked I haven’t looked at Ada already, but checked the blog archive and nope. Let’s fix that.

If you just want the VCV or CV-C alone, go here: https://arashiame57.wixsite.com/adallywelyn/voicebank-downloads

*Art by ricecristpy

Hear a Sample of Ada

Bio

Name: Ada Llywelyn Gender: Nonbinary Age: 23 Birthdate: December 12th Height: 170 cm Weight: 84 kg Item: Varsity Jacket Voicer: ricecristpy

(The character bio information between sources is a little different, so I copied the one above from the readme.)

Official Site

Ada has an official site on Wix. I’ll be discussing the multilingual voicebank today. The voicebank is 521 MB when unzipped and comes with partially generated .frq and .pmk files. 

First Impressions

Ada has an androgynous, nasally voice with a loud, brash tone. The Japanese is English-accented. Liv has said Ada CV-C was mostly intended for English so I’ll be keeping that angle in mind. They also have some of the best English I’ve ever heard, no you don’t need to make a VCCV in order for it to be good <3

Configuration

Ada has 4 VCV pitches at F3, B3, D5, and G5, and 3 CV-C pitches are E3, B4, and E5. (For some reason, the B4 pitch isn’t said to exist in the readme?) While most UTAUs follow the logic of low/mid/high pitches, Ada has very low and very high pitches. The range doesn’t suffer though, and Ada can go from A2 all the way to A5 comfortably-that’s three octaves! The CV-C has glottal stops and end breaths for vowels but nothing else in the way of extras exists. Suffixes aren’t needed in order to use the multilingual parts, but so few songs go up to E5 that using it manually is basically required. I find it fun to accent higher notes a bit with the louder E5 pitch.

The samples have static in the background, but only a bit. I still think it could’ve used some noise removal because I’m picky and do that for all my voicebanks lol. The noise is especially prominent on anything with a t sound. The CV-c pitches are recorded at a faster tempo so they have a bit of that talk-singing sound, but not nearly as badly as some other English synths. 

The CV-C uses the extended reclist with 252 samples. The VCV reclist is more simplistic and the mora varies widely between samples. I suspect this was done to hit the high notes easier. I can’t do anything above B4 without going into falsetto, so it’s incredible to hear a powerful UTAU at G5.

Decimals are included in the CV-C pitches, but not in the VCV. The preutter/overlap ratio is generally 1:2, though there are some odd ones like 140:250. This was likely done to make smoother transitions, though I’m not sure it’s needed since the consonants aren’t super long. The - CV entries leave way too much space at the beginning which causes problems with some resamplers. There are also many numbered duplicates present that could have been removed.

My recommended flags: P88C10H20g4

My recommended resamplers: TIPS, EFB-GT, world4utau

Final Thoughts

Despite the comments above sounding sorta negative, I do really love Ada and think they’re one of the best things to happen to the Western UTAU community in a while.

Download Ada Download Ada Download Ada Download Ada

[tyfinn]

WIP Wednesday

Thank you @apothecarose for the tag!

David was sitting at his desk when there was a knock at the door.

"Come in," David said, looking up from the stack of resumes he had been reading through all afternoon. It was Liv, his assistant. 

"Sorry to bother you, David. I'm gonna go grab a coffee. You want a caramel macchiato?"

"That'd be great, Liv, thanks."

David was in no mood to look at another artist’s CV. He knew he needed to bring in some more artists or showcase a new exhibit, and to do that he needed to weed through the piles of resumes he was avoiding. His accountant had been hounding him about how the gallery just wasn't bringing in the capital it should. But somehow, some way, he was always able to come out ahead or break even each month. Out of the blue, patrons would call him at the end of the month wanting to purchase a piece or two, and just like that the gallery was back in the black. But this month, he wanted to get a head start and actually procure some new pieces on his own.

"Hey, Lover! You up to going out tonight?"

David looked up and smiled at the tall, lean, long-haired man peeking his head through the door. "Sure- what are you in the mood for?"

David had only been going out with Tate for a month. They met at one of the clubs David frequents. Tate was an artist who specialized in mixed media sculptures. He wasn't very good, but he was a good fuck and he was fun to party with, so David was taking care of him for the time being. 

"Well, it's my friend's birthday today, and I kind of told him I may be able to get him and a few of our close friends into Club Fire tonight? To celebrate?"

"Sure- that sounds great. What time did you tell them?"

"Eleven? Will that work?"

"Yep. Just give me their names and I'll call and get it set up."

"Thank you, thank you!" Tate ran over to give David a peck on the cheek and then grabbed a piece of scrap paper and quickly jotted down ten names. David turned expecting a kiss on the lips, but Tate was already out the door before David could do or say anything. He left so quickly he almost ran Liv over as she came in with their coffees. Liv rolled her eyes and handed David his coffee. 

Tagging @jamilas-pen @walnuts-and-berries @chelle-68 (or anyone else who wants to share. Sorry if you've already been tagged.)

[imasallstars]

765PROAS twin live "Hangetsu de Aetara"

"A stage just for the two them, where they meet each other　and youー."

Details regarding the Yukiho&Makoto twin live has been revealed! The MR liv will occur in BEISIA CULTURE HALL and ASOBI STAGE on the 16th and 17th of March 2024

The following characters will be participating in the live:

DAY 1&DAY 2

Yukiho Hagiwara (cv. Azumi Asakura), Makoto Kikuchi (cv. Hiromi Hirata)

[smol-and-grumpy]

Legally Yours - Ch. 26

Pairing: Dean Winchester x Reader

Summary: Dean Winchester tops the list of hottest entrepreneurs 2020 and yet, there’s still something he wants but can’t have because, in order to get that, he would have to settle down and get married. She agrees too quickly because she wants to secure a more comfortable life for her and her daughter. Will she be able to help Dean get what he wants without losing herself in the fake story they spin up to deceive his father and the world?

Chapter Warnings: We’re still at the angst, because someone’s obviously still an idiot. We also might detect some jealousy. 

WC: 4214

Beta’d by: @deanwanddamons​​​​​​​​ <3

This series is complete on Patreon

Support my writing

Series Masterlist ~ SPN Masterlist

Five days later, she’s sitting in her kitchen, job application website open on her laptop while Bobby’s at work and Olivia’s at school.

The first night was hard on the girl. Olivia crawled into bed with her, spinning up tales that she missed her toys they left at Dean’s but she is sure that a part of the little girl’s heart is aching for Dean because hers is too. 

Y/N hasn’t heard from him and it took everything in her not to shoot him a message and ask him how he’s doing. She’s fairly certain that if she would choose to go down that road, she’ll get weak and that’s against the new rule that she’s set up for herself in order to protect herself and her family.

Donna sent her a text when she arrived back at her old apartment, asking how her honeymoon was going and when Y/N told her that she’s back, Donna offered to come over. They sat around the tiny kitchen table with boxed wine between them, drinking and talking. Yeah, boxed wine. Over are the days of cheap bottles. Well, she reckons she could afford it with the money from the marriage contract but she’d rather not as she has a future to think about. 

She didn’t sulk, didn’t allow herself to. She needed to be strong for Olivia and keep it all together. Her friend parted with a promise to help her find a man who she deserved. She only smiled. Couldn’t find it in her heart to say that she’s not looking for a man, that she thinks that Dean’s ruined her for all other men, that she’s most likely destined to be alone forever. At least she has Liv, and honestly, that’s all that counts. God, she’s so glad to have that little girl. She would have been broken beyond repair if it wasn't for Liv. 

While she touches up her CV at the kitchen table where she poured her heart out to Donna the evening before, her phone starts to buzz next to her. Her heart jumps. She hates the buzz of her phone because she’ll always think that it could be Dean and when it’s not him, she will always feel so deflated. Somehow, she’s okay with the situation but a little part of her still hopes that he would change his mind and come back to her. 

This time it’s no different when she looks at her phone. If anything, it’s even worse. Sam’s calling. 

She debates on not picking up but decides that she has to because he’s probably calling about the annulment. It’s really the only thing left that keeps her tied to Dean on a contractual level, and after she signs that, it’s like the marriage never existed. 

“Sam?”

“Yeah, uh, hi, Y/N,” The man can be heard on the other end. A little breath leaves him, and she can imagine that he’s smiling. Ever the friendly Sam. She can’t lie, she misses him too. 

“You’re calling about the annulment?” She gets straight to the point. There’s really no point in stretching this out unnecessarily. 

“Um, actually no. Dean’s not really talkative and he’s not going to sign it.” 

“What do you mean he’s not going to sign it?” She doesn’t understand, has a hard time wrapping her head around it. Why did Dean still want to be married to her when she walked away from him? There’s no point in pretending anymore and she has made up her mind. The only way she’s going is forward and not back. She wants to move on. 

“Don’t worry about it. He’s only been back two days, I need time to talk him through it. We should have the annulment finalized by Monday, I promise.” 

“I trust you,” She says into the receiver, because she does. If someone can talk sense into Dean, it will probably be Sam. “How is he?” 

“Do you want to hear the truth or do you want me to lie to make you feel better?” 

“Lie.” 

“He’s doing great.” 

“That’s good.” 

Sam snorts, “Well, I knew you'd feel better if you knew that he’s doing okay without you.”

“You’re right. I don’t want him to feel bad but somehow I also want him to, you understand?”

A burst of laughter rumbles on the other end, “I know,” Sam replies, “He’s a gigantic dick, Y/N. I think he knows that and he’s beating himself up for it. He’s been back at work for two days and according to Rowena, it’s hell. He doesn’t talk to anyone and if he opens his mouth, it’s to shout at people.” 

“Wow, he’s coping well.” 

The man laughs again, “Dean’s never been good at taking rejections. He’ll get over it, eventually. Someday. Maybe. Well,” Sam pauses and exhales loudly, “Tell you the truth, I don’t think he’ll get over it. I’ve never seen him like this and it scares me, hence me calling you.” 

Y/N feels sorry for him. And there she thought that she was miserable without him. Somehow it gives her a little satisfaction to know that he’s doing just as bad, if not worse. Can anyone blame her to feel like this?

“I’m not going to go back to him just so that he’ll stop being an ass to other people.” 

“That’s not what I was going to ask you about.”

“Ah, why beat around the bush, Sam. What is it?”

Sam sighs, “Okay, as you might know, Dean hasn’t told anyone that you two broke up.” 

“Why am I not surprised?” She hopes Sam can feel through the phone how hard she’s rolling her eyes right now.

“Shush,” Sam scolds  and continues before she can say sorry for interrupting him, “He has a charity gala to attend tonight, and it would be great if you would accompany him.”

The bark of laughter that leaves her mouth is hard to hold back, “You what?” 

Sam’s not laughing, “I mean it, Y/N. He’s not doing great and he has to attend. Technically you are still his wife and you have a contract, so..”

“Oh, please, don’t come at me with a contract, Sam. Dean told me that I’m allowed to walk away. He said that he doesn’t need me to get the shares. He wasn’t the one stopping me when I walked out on him, so tell me, why should I do this? Why should I pretend when I don’t have to anymore?”

“Because you still care about him,” 

Sam’s answer is a hit to her heart. She does. She cares so fucking much but also, that means that she’s not going to give in because it’s time to put herself first. She can’t hold herself together for Olivia’s sake when there’s nobody backing her up. She won’t go through this again. 

Of course Sam’s on Dean’s side. He’s friendly to her but if Sam would have to pick sides, it would always be Dean’s. 

“I’m sorry,” She says, her voice shaking a little. No, she’s not going to cry. Not again. Not anymore.

“Okay,” Sam relents too easily, “Can’t blame me for trying.” 

“No, I can’t. Dean’s lucky to have you as a friend.” She means it. 

“I’ll come to see you as soon as Dean signs the papers, Y/N.”

“Thank you.”

“Take care of yourself and Olivia, okay? And tell me if you need anything.”

“I will, Sam. Thanks.”

“Goodbye, Y/N.”

She hangs up before she can say goodbye. The phone drops onto the table and she’s back to burying her face into her arms as she sobs. 

*

 For the next five weeks, Y/N  tries to avoid looking at tabloids pages, instead, concentrating on Olivia and helping to ease the little girl back into her old environment. 

Of course there have been texts from Donna telling her that there’s no news from Dean, at least not with another woman. She knows that she shouldn’t care about it, because if he wants to date again, it’s his right, but somehow, she can’t help but feel the pinpricks in her heart. It’s not something bad but something good because it keeps her hopes alive for a while. After she was reluctant to answer Donna's text about Dean in the first two weeks, her friend has decided that she doesn’t want to update Y/N anymore. Which is also fine with her. The less she’s reminded of Dean, the quicker it will be to get over him.

She snorts out a laugh at that thought. Yeah, right. 

Bobby has been weird the last two weeks too. He went out to meetings, saying it has something to do with his union but she knows that he doesn’t even have a union so she really doesn’t have any explanation for the two to three times the man went AWOL when he should be home but again, it’s nothing that should worry her. Bobby is still young enough to have his own life. She guesses that it has to do with a new lady friend maybe. Maybe Bobby’s being cautious too, maybe he doesn’t want her and Olivia to know when things aren’t steady with the two. She couldn’t blame him for thinking like that.

Tonight is the first time in over a month that she feels comfortable enough to leave the security of her own home. Perhaps Donna has something to do with it, begging her to finally go out and face the world, and Y/N can’t lie that Donna’s not right. It’s time to face it like a grown-up. She can’t be buried in her four walls forever. She eventually has to go out and socialize. She’s been going out a lot for interviews but that’s about it. No company has called her back yet, though. Thankfully, she still has more than enough money to get by. 

As soon as she arrives at The Roadhouse and Donna sees her, the woman is quick to be by her side, “I have a surprise for you!” 

“Oh no,” Y/N rolls her eyes, “I hate surprises.” 

“It’s not bad, I just thought, you know,” 

“Donna,” She warns her friend. Somehow, she doesn’t like where this discussion is going. 

“There’s this guy, I invited him. He’s nice, so be nice, okay? He’s not going to be the love of your life, I know that too but you should put yourself out there, just a drink, okay? It will broaden up your horizon, maybe get your ex-husband out of your mind for a little bit.” 

Jesus, Donna’s talking a mile a minute. She barely understands what the woman is raving on about.

“What?”

“There,” Donna pulls her close, points a finger to the booth where Garth is sitting with someone whose back is turned to her. 

“Oh, Donna, no!”

“Why, Donna yes!” The blonde exclaims cheerily before placing her hands on Y/N shoulders and pushing her towards the booth. “His name is Cubbie.”

“Cub-what?” 

“It’s a nickname, Y/N.”

“If that’s the nickname I don’t wanna know about his real name.”

“Cuthbert. Cuthbert Sinclair, if you wanna know. He’s a magician.”

“That’s great. Super.” Y/N groans and turns around towards the exit but Donna’s hand is firm around her shoulders, guiding her back to where Garth is already standing up to make room for her. 

“Hey, Cubbie! This is Y/N, the woman I talked to you about.” Donna’s all smiles and somehow, Y/N’s hand itches to hurt her friend.

“I’m Y/N,” She says then. The only way is forward now. 

Cubbie, still what a fucking weird name, stands up and his hands immediately go to her arms and pulls her closer to press a wet kiss on her cheek. 

Ew. Oh no, this won’t end well. 

Reluctantly she sits down, wonders how long she has to sit here until she can get up and leave without being too rude. 

She lets him buy her a drink and he orders fries to share between them while they talk. It’s not exactly bad but they just share small talk about the weather and where they’re from.

“So, you’re a magician?” She tries to sound like she’s interested, wanting to get into the deeper conversational territory.

“Yeah,” Cubbie reaches over and strokes her hair behind her ear and when he sits back up, he shows her the coin that he apparently pulled out of her, a bright smile dotes his face. She does her best to resist the urge to roll her eyes. 

“Good god,” She exclaims and the man laughs. 

He goes on to tell her about magic, which she again, has no interest in listening to. Jesus, the man can talk. While she debates on maybe hurting herself with a toothpick to have a fucking reason to get out, Cubbie excuses himself to go to the bathroom but before he goes, he leans down next to her, “How about we’re doing a little disappearing act, huh?”

“Oh god,” She huffs out but Cubbie doesn’t get her blatant disinterest. He just smiles at her.

“Think about it, I’ll be right back.”

Good riddance, is what she wants to say but doesn’t. Instead, she smiles a faux smile.

While he’s gone, she takes out her phone, shooting Bobby a text that she’ll probably won’t be that long when he feels someone is taking a seat in the booth opposite of her. 

“Back alread—”

The word won’t come out because it’s not Cubbie who’s sitting across from her but Dean. 

He has a cap on his head, is dressed casually in a black t-shirt underneath a blue plaid shirt. There are faint black circles under his eyes. He has shaved off his beard but from the length of the stubble, she can tell that he’s in the process of growing it out again. 

“C’mon, Y/N, seriously? That guy?” He asks, sounding offended, and honestly, it’s not what she really wants the first thing out his mouth to be after not being on speaking terms for over a month.

“It’s none of your business, Dean.” She snaps at him. 

“You’re right. It isn’t.” He agrees, “What is he? An accountant?”

“He has a name and he’s a magician.”

Dean barks out a laugh and even though it’s mean, she can’t help but smirk with him. 

“His name is Cubbie.” She adds, which earns another hearty laugh from Dean.

“Cubbie the magician?” He cocks an eyebrow.

“I don’t know if he has a stage name,” Y/N shrugs, “He asked me if I wanna do a disappearing act with him.”

“Oh, he will disappear, alright,” Dean growls angrily. 

She can’t read him. Why is he here, why is he crashing her blind date? So she asks, “Dean, what is this? Why are you here?” 

“I’m here every week to see if you’ll be here.”

“You know that there are phones, right?” 

“Would you have answered the phone if I called?” He challenges her and she holds his gaze. He’s right, she probably wouldn’t, even if she was hoping that he’d call but she doesn’t think that she would have picked it up because she doesn’t know if her heart can take what he’s going to tell her over the phone. “Yeah, I thought so. How’s Olivia?”

“She’s good. She enjoys being back at school. She’s going on a field trip in two weeks and I think I’m going to go along to chaperone.” 

Honestly, Y/N has no idea why she’s telling him that. Why she easily falls into a conversion with him about little things. But it feels easy, it feels like meeting an old friend. Someone where she can just pick up where they left off, even if they haven’t seen each other for a long time. Dean was her friend, she can’t deny that, and she guesses the reason why she feels at ease is that her heart can’t forget it either.

“I can do that, too,” Dean suggests without even thinking twice.

“Dean, she’s none of your concern, we’re fine without you.” Her words might be too harsh but he needs a reminder that not everything revolves around him. 

“Great.” He mumbles as Cubbie comes back from the bathroom. The poor guy stands there and is a little irritated by Dean’s presence. 

“You ready to leave?” Cubbie asks, straight up ignoring Dean’s presence and she has to give him that. It takes balls. Dean’s not someone who can be ignored. He’s tall and broad and yeah, awfully good looking. 

She stands up, nodding her head. Even if she has no intention of going anywhere with Cubbie, she also knows that she can’t stay here with Dean.

When she walks away, Dean holds her back by her wrist. The touch of him is almost too much to bear and she stills, has to close her eyes as she tries to breathe evenly. 

“You’re leaving with him? Seriously?” 

Opening her eyes to look at the source of the voice, she can clearly see the irritation on Dean’s face. 

Pulling her hand from his hold, she brings it close to her chest, fearing that she’d reach out if she let her heart decide over her mind, “It’s none of your business, Dean. You had your chance but you blew it. I’m trying to move on.” 

Dean stands up too and he’s close. The warmth radiates from him. Her body betrays her a little, sways a little closer to him. Cubbie is a couple of steps ahead but he stalls and looks back, waiting for her to follow him out. She wants to, she really does, it’s just so hard to move when the magnetic pull of Dean wraps itself around her. 

“Now, say it again a little more convincingly. Make me believe it.” Dean demands with a gruff voice while he crosses his arms over his chest, his palms nearly disappearing into his armpits, as if he too, has to resist reaching out to touch her again when it’s not what she wants.

How is it possible that he still can read her like a book? It’s not fucking fair. 

She narrows her eyes, staring him down. “You’re an ass, Dean.” She hisses and pushes out of the door, past Cubbie. When she’s out, she flags down a cab and gets in. Only when the driver rounds the street of the first block does she realize that she left Cubbie at the bar. Great. Now the act with her leaving the bar with some date is even less convincing to Dean. 

God, she’s a failure. 

 *

 “You know he still cares deeply about you, right?” Donna flops down on Y/N’s worn out couch with a bottle of beer in hand and Y/N walks over to join her friend with her glass of red wine. 

The incident at the bar in which Dean had held a metaphorical pissing competition against an oblivious Cubbie was four days ago. Almost a distant memory. She hasn’t heard from the magician, but also it’s not really surprising since they didn’t even exchange their numbers and Donna has not mentioned him again. At least there’s that. 

She frowns for a moment, “Cubbie? He barely knows me.”

Her friend rolls her eyes to the back and takes a pull at the bottle, “Dean, dummy!”

“Yeah, well, he has a hell of a way of showing it.” She grumbles, burying her face into her goblet and tips it back to take a big gulp. 

Donna admitted after the incident that she watched them with amusement. Poor Cubbie was standing there lost and sulked away on his own. Apparently, Dean grinned brightly, and god, just the image of him being so joyful and cocky about her misery makes her want to smack him across the face. But for that, she would have to see him again, which she won’t. Nope. Not going there. She can’t move on when he keeps popping up.

“You don’t see it, do you?” Donna tilts her head that’s resting on the back of the old faded sofa, cocking her eyebrow as she asks.

“See what?” Y/N eyebrows match her friend’s. 

“Jesus Christ, Y/N!” Donna huffs out, followed by a giggle. Okay, the woman should definitely not drink any more beer, also since tomorrow is Monday and she has to work. Y/N for her part, is still struggling with finding a job that would keep her head above water. She’s debating on taking two lesser paid jobs but then again, there would be no time left to spend with Liv and since she’s making Liv her priority, she keeps on searching. The blonde lays her hand on Y/N’s thigh, squeezes it, “He’s so fucking in love.”

With knitted eyebrows, she glares at her friend. Dean? In love? Has that been obvious? She shakes her head, “That’s not what he told me,” 

Her friend sits up straight and turns to her before taking a big swig of her beer and slams it onto the coffee table. Y/N gets irritated, shushes her friend with a nudge of her elbow. Liv is sleeping next door, and Donna usually knows that she has to be fucking quiet. 

“Oops,” Donna says with a shrug, and they both freeze to listen if Liv has woken up because of the noise. When they don’t hear a sound, they both breathe out in relief. Yeah, there’s no chance Donna will get another beer from her tonight. The blonde grins at her. A grin that spells mischief, “Have you ever thought that Dean Winchester, a guy who’s never been in love might not know how it feels to be in love? Have you ever thought that he might be so fucking gone on you and tries to identify his feelings but he can’t because he doesn’t fucking knows what it is?” 

God, Donna talks a mile a minute and Y/N’s brain is having trouble catching on and processing. 

Her friend pauses to wriggle her eyebrows at her but otherwise, Donna doesn’t say anything because she waits until it settles. 

Memories of the last day on the beach flashed in her mind. She recalls him asking her how she knows when you love someone and her answer was you just know. 

Could it be that he was struggling then already? He probably was but she was too deep in her own mind that she didn’t really notice.

“No,” She answers.

“No, what?” Donna asks.

“No, I have never thought that he doesn’t know how it feels to be in love. But I mean, he’s loved his mother, right? He loves Sam to a certain extent. He’s a grown ass man. He should know how he fucking feels.”

“My god, your skull is thicker than I thought.” Donna rolls her eyes dramatically. “Loving a parent is not the same as loving a partner, duh! And with Sam. There’s the bro thing, I guess? They love each other but it’s just all caveman-esque grunting and a lot of back-slapping involved. It’s how I love you,”

“You love me while you grunt and slap my back?” 

“Shut up!” Donna laughs, “Anyway, where was I...oh! Yes. Listen, Y/N, maybe you’ve been too harsh on him. I mean, yeah, of course, you have Liv to care about but don’t tell me that Liv was heartbroken when you brought her back to this place.”

She pulls her bottom lip between her teeth in thought. When she snaps out of it, she tips her wine glass back and empties it in one go.

Her friend watches her, pauses to let the things she said sink in. God, she doesn’t know why Donna’s only talking about Dean now. It’s been what? Almost two months. Where was Donna when she needed that kinda talk at the beginning when she left Dean? Donna was always here, her mind says, you just didn’t want to burden anyone and you thought that you could manage everything on your own. 

“Fact is, Y/N. I’ve never seen him like this. He barely goes out, even if he’s invited to events. The gossip sites avoid him because he became a grump while picking up fights with photographers, and don’t even get me started on the last TV appearance where he only gave short, snappish answers, making the stupidly hot interviewer very uncomfortable. A couple of months ago, he would have charmed the woman and they probably would have fucked when the producer yelled cut.”

“How do you know they didn’t?” She asks, and she doesn’t even know why she asks because the thought of him hooking up and going back to being his old self does make her feel a little uncomfortable and admittedly, jealous.

“Honestly? Maybe because the interviewer told a tabloid that she refuses to interview Dean again because he’s a dick.” 

“Well, he is a dick, she’s right.” She says drily, and she’s standing behind her opinion, it’s just now that Donna has said all those things that it makes her really wonder if she’s been too harsh to Dean. Maybe he just needed more time to figure out what he was feeling. But again, it’s too late now, isn’t it?

Ch. 27

Please share your thoughts with me, I’d love to hear your feedback.

[flamingpen18]

Fics and Chaos

Many of you don't know that I write fanfiction. I have been writing fanfiction for over a decade. Unfortunately, due to the crisis my family and I are currently dealing with, my current WIPs are on hold until things get better.

I have been chipping away at two new chapters for 2 of my current WiPS, but it is slow going. I have only been able to get 1600 words or so for each fic which leaves another 1500 or so more to go until they are ready to be posted.

So I am trying to generate as much creative juices as I can. My muse is nowhere to be found, so I need to do what I can. This leaves me with this post.

I am going to be using this account more for my fanfiction alter ego as well as still posting whatever moves me. My incredibly gifted daughter, @helly-watermelonsmellinfellon, is a huge inspiration for me. I wish I was half as gifted as she is.

I can be found on FFN, AO3, and Stars Library under the name flamingpen18.

For those who want to know what is going on with our van: Dave went to work on it Sunday for several hours. He's trying to find the leak. His friend ordered the new rack and pinion for the van but we have to pay him back. It's imperative that we pay him back. That was a huge investment. Those parts haven't been delivered yet.

Dave cannot drive the van right now cus it is in terrible shape. He drove it for a week and it was a really bad decision on his part. He did say that he has to replace the CV joints along with all the other items that need to be fixed. The poor van has been through so much.

So in the meantime, Dave is using his friend's truck. I am unable to get into the truck, so I can't get to the doctor. We're just waiting for the rack and pinion to be delivered so that can be fixed as well as raising up the money to buy all the other needed parts which are many. At least we don't have to pay to put it in a shop.

@helly-watermelonsmellinfellon @mister-tom-a-dildo-lover