#Like... I've expressed this to them and to my therapist and they've been like 'what kind of things might you do...'

[balsambay]

Stemming the flood

Something my therapist has expressed to me that I haven't seen talked about online is building mutual, temporary space between parts to lessen flooding. I am in no way an expert in DID nor a MH professional, but I was curious if others have worked with their parts like this before. It has been really helpful for us.

Our youngest parts are not very developed and are stuck in trauma-time. When I first started making significant progress in therapy, younger and younger parts started to reveal themselves, relieved they could finally be known.

I've had instances where I, for no apparent reason, felt dangerously unsafe and afraid and had to leave work or school, or needed to hide somewhere (bathrooms, under my desk, restricted employees-only sections...). Obviously this is bad, not just because I could've gotten in trouble, but also because it's not safe. It's not like these young parts were doing it maliciously, and it's not like I could just ask them to stop it. They can't control how they feel.

My therapist suggested asking them to hold onto those feelings. I was kind of revolted. What do you mean, ask them to hold it? Aren't I supposed to be helping them? Isn't that why I'm here?

Yes, they said, and we are going to help them. But we can't help them if the adult parts aren't able to function. You need to be able to go to school, to go to work, to go outside. You can talk to them, hold them, tell them that you appreciate all that they've done and know how hard this must be. That you want to hear them. That you're working on being able to handle it. But that they need to hold onto their story for a while longer.

Admittedly, this was a lot easier said than done. This was still during the point where I couldn't tell if other parts could really hear anything I was saying, or who exactly was around. Sometimes just brushing up against these young parts sent waves of nausea and fear through me (which I know they picked up on and felt worse about). But I did do it. And they did do it. I was worried it was like exiling them further, but in reality it's helped me gain a lot of tolerance and be able to interact with them without immediately losing it. I haven't started processing it yet so I don't know how that will go, but I know that it will only be possible because of the fact we've been able to stay apart.

[beanghostprincess]

Rayleigh and Buggy reunion, but Rayleigh is being over the top judgemental about everything, like idk if u are familiar with crazy ex girlfriend the TV show but Rayleigh shows up and acts exactly like Rebecca's mom does. Overcritical of his life choices and dismissive of what he perceives as excuses coming from Buggy, because he knows Buggy's true potential and is annoyed with Buggy not living up to it. He gives Crocodile a once over and goes "is that what you found to replace Shanks with" and moves on and Crocodile doesn't even have a moment to compute the way he was just insulted because Rayleigh has moved on to criticising Mihawk's cooking instead. Worst part is, this all comes from a genuine place of love and care, Rayleigh is legitimately worried sick about his baby clown son of 39 years, but he cannot express that worry without being extremely invasive about everything. Buggy isn't even responding, he just shoots ppl apologetic looks and rolls his eyes when Rayleigh isn't looking because of course he does this obviously Buggy is never good enough for him and Shanks had always been the favourite (you ask Shanks or any other Roger pirate and they will tell you that Buggy is Rayleigh's baby boy and absolute favourite with utmost confidence, too bad the emotional constipation runs in the crew). Dinner is awkward as fuck, because Rayleigh makes attempts at being easygoing but his motherhenning nature irt Buggy shines through, his conviction that Buggy would be happier with Shanks by his side is making him be overcritical of everyone in that dinner and he keeps discussing the good old days and subtly hinting at Buggy that there is still time for him to go back to Shanks....and Buggy looks close to frustrated tears (and everyone agrees, Crocodile has snapped 5 cigars in half with his teeth and Mihawk is 5 seconds away from banging his head on the table).

Just overbearing father Rayleigh being stifling and trying to overcompensate for his shit parenting choices during Buggy's childhood and Buggy having his daddy issues expanded upon (and Crocodile and Mihawk gaining insight to Buggy's entire deal)

"Idk if u are familiar with crazy ex girlfriend the TV sho-" My therapist literally told me to stop watching it so much because it was affecting my mental health. So. Yes. I know the show. It's one of my favorite shows EVER. Rebecca is just like me fr my beloved. All of them my beloveds. The songs my beloveds. Don't make me go into CEG x OP because I won't finish. And as you can see, I did not listen to my therapist.

Even though I've always seen Rayleigh as the one who understands Buggy the most (Roger and him love Shanks and Buggy equally but it is quite obvious they put more pressure on Shanks to be more like Roger and that only made things worse by making Buggy's inferiority complex exist) and the one who stands up more for him and comforts him when needed, it is true that he might be more judgemental and he'd be worried for Buggy. Like. Think about it. Roger died and the kids (their kids) ended up alone and going their own separate ways. For Rayleigh, finding out Shanks and Buggy aren't together is just?? So weird?? Because they've always been together. Birds of a feather (if somebody mentions the song 'Two Birds' I am punching them because I can't handle that song today please). And it's just... Well, surprising. 'But as long as they're okay' but they're obviously not okay!!! And it's not that Rayleigh is judging Buggy. In fact, I think he would do the same with Shanks. The second Rayleigh sees Shanks he's already saying he drinks too much (even for a pirate) and that he's been acting recklessly and "What the fuck are you doing without Buggy? Is this because of Buggy?" / "I do not drink because of him. It's- It's not about him. He left-" / "HE LEFT AND YOU DIDN'T DO ANYTHING?????" / "I hate it when you get like this" / "Like what?" / "Like you want to still do something about my life. I'm an adult, thank you very much-" / "No, you're not if you keep acting this way". And I personally think Rayleigh would just be worried for the both of them and also feel extremely guilty because he wasn't there to fix things when they fought, the way he always did. "The second I left you alone you two start a fight that lasts two decades?" and he would say this to both of them and they would hate it.

But yeah, going back to Buggy I think he'd be worried because. Well. Have you seen Crocodile and Mihawk? I mean. They're kind of on good terms with Buggy now (more or... More or less. Kind of. They're not equals but they're some sort of weird thing and they respect and care for each other. More or less. It's- It's complicated. Don't ask) but they're still them. And Rayleigh can't help but see the situation and be like "I'm proud you made a name of yourself, kid, but you don't have to do this if you don't want to" (meaning: You could go back to Shanks any time you wanted) and Buggy takes it as an "You could go back to Shanks any time you wanted because you'd be safer with him" instead of the real "You could go back to Shanks any time you wanted because you'd be happier with him and this war of pride and hearts you have going on is dumb". And he understands Buggy needs to be away from Shanks to grow, but it's just so, so sad to see them like this when they used to love each other so damn much.

Also, I think Buggy would be going through the worst moment of his life and Crocodile and Mihawk would be so done for different reasons. First, they don't give a fuck about all of this drama. And second, they are starting to see Buggy more like a person and understand why he is the way he is, and the things Rayleigh is saying are bothering them a lot. They've been trying to make the clown move on from his past so he's useful for once (because when he believes in himself he's actually not a burden and more interesting) and now this guy (that they respect because it's Silvers Fucking Rayleigh) comes and tries to change things around here? Nope. Not happening.

So basically, what you're trying to tell me is that Rayleigh regrets raising the boys that way and now he's overcompensating and it's overwhelming for everyone, right? I- I love it. Great plot. 10/10. In character. Perfect. It makes me go insane. I love their daddy issues.

(Also, can we talk about how "This Was a Shit Show" and "What'll it be" are extremely Buggy songs??? Because- Because now I want to-)

[butdaddyilovehim-hs]

Tolerate It III

"Tell me I've got it wrong somehow."

Read Part II here

Harry watches as Kendall leaves, his heart heavy with the weight of the situation. He turns his attention back to Y/N, who stands there, waiting for his explanation. He knows he doesn't have much time to make things right, and he takes a deep breath before he starts speaking.

"Y/N, I swear, I didn't invite her over. I had no idea she was coming. I've been a mess since you left, and I've barely left this place. She must have just shown up on her own," he pleads, his voice full of sincerity.

Y/N's grip on her bag loosens slightly, but she doesn't sit back down. Her eyes are still filled with hurt and doubt, and Harry can see her fight or flight kicking in.

"I know I messed up, and I can't even begin to express how sorry I am for everything. I love you, Y/N, more than anything in this world. You and Elle mean everything to me, and I've been a fool for not showing it," Harry continues, his voice cracking with emotion.

Y/N remains silent, her gaze fixed on him. Harry knows that he needs to give her more than just words. He needs to show her that he's committed to making things right.

"I'm going to make it up to you, Y/N. I'll do whatever it takes to rebuild your trust. We'll go to counselling if you want, and I'll be more present in Elle's life. I promise to be the husband and father you both deserve," Harry says, his voice filled with determination.

Y/N finally sits back down, her bag still in her lap. She looks at him with a mixture of sadness and hope in her eyes.

"Harry, this isn't going to be easy. Rebuilding trust takes time, and I can't just forget everything that's happened. But I want to believe that we can work through this," she says, her voice quivering.

Harry nods, relieved that she's willing to give him a chance. He reaches out and gently takes her hand, giving it a reassuring squeeze.

"I know it won't be easy, but I'm willing to do whatever it takes to make things right. I love you, Y/N, and I'll spend the rest of my life proving that to you."

Y/N's eyes soften, and she leans in to kiss him. It's a tender and heartfelt kiss, filled with all the love they've shared over the years. It's a kiss that signifies a fresh start, a chance to rebuild what was broken.

As they pull away, Y/N gives him a small smile, the first genuine one he's seen in days. "Okay, Harry, let’s try and fix it.”

Harry nods, his heart feeling lighter than it has in days. "I know, and I'm ready for all of it. I just want us to be okay again."

Y/N places her hand on his cheek, wiping away a stray tear. "We'll get through this together, Harry. But it's going to take time and effort from both of us."

Harry leans into her touch, closing his eyes briefly before opening them to meet her gaze. "I'm willing to do whatever it takes, love. I promise."

And in that moment, as they sit together on the couch, holding onto each other, they both believe that maybe, just maybe, they can find their way back to the love that had once been so strong.

~

So they do it. They go to counselling for the first time and Harry is a shaking bundle of nerves and Y/N is internally breaking down. Because what if it doesn’t work out? They sit in the waiting room, the minutes ticking away slowly, the tension in the air palpable. Harry's leg bounces nervously, and he can't help but feel like he's about to face a judgmental tribunal. He glances at Y/N, who is lost in her thoughts, her fingers nervously playing with the edge of her sweater. He reaches out and gently touches her hand, offering a reassuring smile. She looks at him and manages a small, trembling smile in return.

When their names are called, they enter the therapist's office together. The therapist, a calm and empathetic woman, greets them warmly and invites them to sit down on the cozy couch. The session begins, and Harry and Y/N take turns talking about their feelings, their fears, and their hopes. It's difficult at first, and there are moments when tears flow freely. They confront the pain they've caused each other and the scars it has left on their relationship.

The therapist guides them through various exercises, helping them communicate more effectively and teaching them strategies for rebuilding trust. They start to see the deep-seated issues that led to their problems in the first place, and it's not easy to confront those truths.

As the session progresses, Harry's nerves start to ease. He realises that this process isn't about judgment but about healing. Y/N, too, begins to feel a glimmer of hope as they explore ways to rebuild their relationship.

After the first session ends, they step out into the daylight, and Harry takes Y/N's hand in his, squeezing it gently. "How are you feeling?" he asks softly.

Y/N looks at him, her eyes reflecting a mix of emotions. "Nervous, but I think it's a step in the right direction. We have to try, Harry, for ourselves and for Elle.”

Harry nods in agreement, his heart heavy with the weight of their journey ahead. "I know, love. And I promise you, no matter how hard it gets, I'm with you every step of the way.”

A/N: Finally the end to this series. Thank you for all the love on it :)

Tags: @lukesaprince @harryspirate @walkingintheheartbreaksatellite @lilyrmason12 @styleslover-1994 @stylesfever @kathb59 @indierockgirrl @bxbyysstuff @gills-lounge @lomlhstyles @opheliaofficial07 @behindmygreyeyes @gem1712 @stylesmoonlight12 @babyiamperfectforyou @velvetballaspark @harrys-flower @macy-tpwk @mema10 @jerseygirlinca @daphnesutton @rafaaoli

[brutallysoftmuse]

bts are back and the flowers in my chest bloom again: a love letter to the architects of my healing 🪷💌

The past week has been very much intense emotionally, there's so much thing I wanna say, my phone notes are full, but I'm afraid anything I'd say would ever give substance to the true depth of my love for bts but I'll try to do it anyway.

The last three years were so weird and unexpected, I still have war flashbacks of 2022 festa, it all seems so far away but so close at the same time. Time went by so fast but so painfully slow at the same time. I keep thinking about Jungkook saying, before enlisting "you guys go and live your lives and i will be back as if i had never left." And I did, I've really started to live my life.

I've always had this dream of being a full time artist, a singer/songwriter, being able to fully express myself through my art, but god, how was I petrified by fear to put myself out there, baring my soul, for the whole world to see, it felt terrifying, especially when you come from a place of trauma. But I could feel that the more I was restraining myself to create, holding myself back, the more depressed and angry for no reason I'd get. Then BTS showed up on my life path, and it felt like, those moments, where you were lost all along, and suddenly, you've just found your way back home. I found my way back home, my way back to myself through them.

And just like that, I was born again. And just like that, I've stopped existing and started living, really living, just like Jungkook suggested. I put myself out there, I've sung, I've written, darken pages after pages, I met new people, I lost some, I shed a lot of tears, but, god, how I feel so alive now, healing out loud, "because I almost died in silence", and BTS are a huge part of that.

They've reopened doors for me, fanned on the flames of my identity, they've allowed myself to be me, where the world tried to fade me away. I have always struggled to accept certains facets of my personality, some I was ashamed of, or angry at, and I will always remember what my therapist told me :

"use BTS as an example, they're 7 different people, with 7 different personalities, but all together, they form a whole, something harmonious and powerful, just like you" and, fuck, the way, I've cried, this has been stuck with me ever since.

I've been looking for somewhere where I could fit in, be welcomed, feel loved and celebrated and they gave it to me and I will forever be grateful, for all the joy, the laugh, the tears, the happiness, the people I've met, the resilience they've provide me. I honestly have so much love for them in my heart it doesn't fit.

Each of them speak to a part of my soul: pain transcended through music, quiet strength, resilience, healing, life, all these things I've learnt from them, through them. They will always have a place in my heart, a place I'll cherish forever and I'll never take it for granted. And if you've ever felt this for an artist, never feel ridiculous or ashamed of that, because music, art, can really save people. What you feel is real, it is real in your head, in your heart, in your inner world, and this world is legit, one that stand tall and strong, when everything else is falling apart, one that anchors you in the middle of a storm.

And now we're three years later, 250613 is finally here, and I have never felt more like myself for the first time, in a long, long time and I will never forget the happiness I felt this day.

to Namjoon, Seokjin, Yoongi, Hoseok, Jimin, Taehyung and Jungkook: thank you for making me fall in love with life again. Thank you for always being a shoulder, I can lean on when I need to rest. I hope a little bit of your heart is healed, the same way you healed something you didn't break and made the scars fade away. Everyone who knows me, will always know you. Future will always be okay with you, now let's go to the future all together, hand in hand.

I love you, and always will, apobangpo 💜

[madamejadex]

I want to give you a trigger warning before you read this Miss Jade. You don't need to post this if you don't wish to, or respond because I just feel safe expressing myself to you. But this isn't my usual ask, If anything it's more emotionally vulnerable and a peek into my life outside of Tumblr.

As much as I love your blog Miss Jade... There are some nights I find myself scrolling through and I just get sad nor am I placing blame on you either, because your blog is a gift to us. We cherish your words and the safe space you've created for us.

You see I'm going through some shit right now. I've had a lot of things happen in my time here on earth. I like to believe they've made me strong, and for the most part that is true. I have been in intense therapy most of my life and once I got to my age I felt like I finally found myself. I felt confident in myself, my career, my worth. Over the last couple of years I've been able to do things that I never thought I would ever be able to do, like moving out of my home state, leaving my best friend back in my home state, being away from family, and traveling in general. I was so proud of all the progress I made because... I... Let's just say I didn't think I was going to be here around this age.

So because of the experiences I've had in life, I've become someone who has insight to a lot of things like mental health, struggle, trauma etc. I've done all the things, found a great therapist, found the right medications I even started to exercise so much more and take care of myself. I felt alive. And I felt good.

I had something happen to me recently that I've never had happen / never anticipated was going to happen. Like a sucker punch to the face, one that makes you fall to the ground and keeps you dazed. It has broken me. I've been broken before and I've always been able to rebuild. This time around tho, I just... I know things will get better. I just haven't felt this kind of heart ache before. I haven't felt this angry, this used, this stupid. I know I have a lot of healing ahead of me. I'm just exhausted because I finally felt like I had reached the point where I felt caught up.

I read your posts, and the one with Pumpkin and being a deaf submissive. It was so beautiful to read. So much so it made me so sad because it just reminds me of the situation I am in.

The person I trusted broke my trust. And not speaking in a dynamic scene sense but as a marriage. I devoted so much time and energy into them, I did everything I could for them. I took on so much, and when I heard "I want a divorce"... I couldn't believe what I was hearing. You put work into relationships and you don't bail as soon as things get rough especially in marriage. I'm just really hurt. So when I see your posts, filled with so much care, so tender to each one of us, it just reminds me of how all I want or long for is for someone to choose me and stay with me even when it gets hard. Even when we can't stand each other because relationships aren't perfect And there are going to be times that you don't like each other but you'll always love each other. At least... That's what I meant when I made my vows... And now I see that, it was never that way for them... That I gave and gave and gave and gave so much so I lost myself and didn't even realize it until they said "I want a divorce" that's when I woke up.

I have my ups and downs. Just like we all do in life. I never thought this is where I would be or end up and life just does you like that sometimes. But I feel so dumb. I feel used. I feel like I was just a piece of trash that it was just that simple to make a heavy decision such as this one. That nothing I have gave or done really matters because it wasn't ever enough. There was always a way I could improve or do better. While I believe we should always be striving to be the best versions of ourselves, it's discouraging to hear over and over that you're not doing enough.

I just want to be enough for once. -🦔

My sweet, brave 🦔…

First, thank you. Thank you for trusting me with your words, your ache, your honesty, your story. I want you to know that you don’t need to apologize for this message. It is not too much. It is not unwelcome. In fact, it’s the kind of honesty that humbles me deeply. You shared your truth, your wound, and your heart, and I feel honored to hold space for all of it.

I want to wrap my arms around you right now. Not to fix what cannot be fixed in a moment, but simply to hold. To let you be seen in your pain, without anyone rushing in to tidy it up or make it prettier. Because what you’re feeling is real. And it matters.

You’re not dumb. You’re not used. You are not too much.

You are a person who loved with her whole being. Who showed up, even when it was hard. Who gave and nurtured and hoped and sacrificed and tried. And maybe… maybe you gave too much. But that’s not something to shame yourself for. That’s something to mourn gently. Because when we love with our whole hearts, we don’t always see the slow unraveling of ourselves, until it’s too late.

You’re allowed to grieve this. Not just the marriage, but the life you thought you were building. The safety. The shared future. The meaning you poured into every little act of care. You’re allowed to be heartbroken. Furious. Exhausted. And yes… deeply, deeply sad.

But let me say something clearly, and I want you to read it, not just with your eyes, but with your soul:

You were never disposable. You are not replaceable. You were enough. Their choice says more about them than it ever will about you.

Love, real, enduring love, means choosing each other, especially when things are hard. It’s sticking through the messy chapters, the dull ones, the ones filled with tension and growing pains. That’s what you believed in. That’s what you upheld. You kept your vows. You held on when it got hard.

And even if they didn’t do the same… that doesn’t take away the honor in how you loved.

That part of you, the part that longs to be chosen even on the worst days, the part that aches for someone to stay, to see your cracks and love you more for them, that part of you is not broken. It’s beautiful.

And you’re not behind. Even now, in the middle of the ache, you are not behind. You are in the thick of your becoming.

This heartbreak will not define you. But it will shape you. And maybe, someday, that won’t feel like a curse, but a new edge of your strength.

You said you felt like you had finally caught up, like you had finally found yourself again. My love… you did. And you will again. This moment does not erase everything you’ve built. It doesn’t take away the power of the person who chose to live, to heal, to grow.

That woman? She’s still here. And she is not done.

You are so much more than the person they walked away from. You are worthy of someone who will stay. Of someone who will see all your mess and beauty and complexity and say, "Yes. Even now. Especially now. I choose you."

And I believe with everything in me, that someone will come. But more importantly, you will come home to yourself again.

I’m so proud of you. Even now. Especially now. Please keep breathing. Keep resting when you need to. Keep showing up for yourself. You’re not alone here.

You are cared for. You are held. You are enough.

Always.

🤍

[literaryxbones]

Where I've Been

So, I am officially back from my hiatus. I'm planning to return to Tumblr at least part-time in the middle of college courses and work. (I got a new job!) I also am planning on launching my first business! I'll reveal the concept for it soon, I think it's pretty cool. I've got a lot of things going on, so my activity may vary.

Addressing The Elephant In The Room

My mental health has improved considerably. I've made new friends in college, and I have somebody in my life I can talk to about my dissociation and heightened emotions. Our experiences are both different, but it's nice to know somebody I can relate to. Offline and online, I haven't had to worry about the voices as much. They've been unusually quiet, which is a great relief to me. I've also noticed that I'm not getting triggered as much.

This probably has something to do with my change in environment. I'm no longer in highschool, which was a traumatizing place for me. I now have a job that I like that feels meaningful. Classes are more aligned with my interests and my life has a general, vague sense of direction now.

And finally, I have a friend who gets me. They mean the world to me, and I love them dearly. Before meeting them, I had never felt a sense of safety, security, and comfort with another person before.

I've had lots of friends, both in-person and within digital spaces, but I didn't feel truly connected or comfortable with them.

In terms of therapy, I still need to contact Mental Health Services, complete my intake, and see a therapist qualified to treat adults. The trouble is, I'd have to answer the same questionaries over and over again, revealing personal information about myself and my past. My progress in being evaluated for my memory loss and dissociation would completely restart. I would still have to see somebody that doesn't know me, my history, or anything about me. It's a long process, but one I'm still willing to go through. I'll probably need something in the room for emotional support while I'm taking my call. And once I do that, my health company would actually have to have a trauma specialist available that's familiar with dissociation.

This is just the surface of my journey with therapy, but I'm counting on it! I haven't given up just yet, and my trauma will be addressed. I promise you that.

What's Happening to Goth History?

I'm still continuing Goth History, but I can no longer keep up with publishing series installments every three days. Between business, work, and school, spare time is limited. Instead, I'm switching over to a weekly or bi-weekly schedule. Saturday will be the designated posting day for episodes.

New Series

A while ago, I released a poll asking what content you ghouls would like to see. Some of you expressed interest in music recommendations, reviews, and analysis. Music is an important part of the goth subculture.

Social media algorithms tend not to prioritize music content when it comes to the subculture, but I hope to change that. Bands deserve to be discussed alongside fashion, aesthetics, and horror flicks. I'm considering a monthly schedule for this new series. "Macabre Music of the Month" maybe?

Out of a month's listening, I'd choose a band, album, song, or artist that stands out to me in the subculture.

These are my plans so far, and it'd be awesome to kick this series off in January!

Thank you so much for reading. Divider graphics are F2U.

-SORDID

[inchidentally]

I'm sorry to bombard you like this, but you're like a therapist. So I want this winter break to end as soon as possible. Because seeing how many fans of different drivers enjoy fresh content, Oscar fans suffer a little. I mean, I should be used to it because I've been a Sebastian fan for the last 16 years and it's not news to me that someone disappears during the winter break. But it's different with Oscar and I feel a little sad about it. Well. I'm almost 27 years old and I miss a guy who doesn't know me. Can you write me something comforting? Thank you in advance! <3

don't apologize anon!! but let me just say I'm not remotely qualified as a therapist and could probably do with a second one for myself but I will absolutely try to offer comfort <3<3

ohhhh dude as someone who is only just now learning abt Seb in a fandom way I know you've already had it tough bc not only is that man charismatic and hilarious and beautiful he's also SO private. Oscar at least is so lowkey even in media engagement that it's not a huge surprise when he doesn't show up otherwise. but there's a reason I tag Seb "sun king". dude shines brighter than the screens behind a podium when he shows up. I don't know if I believe the rumors of him returning to F1 at all but I do think he's going to get back into a more public facing position at some point (and likely get back into racing in some capacity).

I think w Oscar what's been getting me is how excavation is the best way to get to know him and acquire content rather than relying on regular updates. I wish we had those too or at least the content from fans recognizing him - and maybe that will happen more w time. but I'm much more a feelings person than a fan person and Oscar's just really worked his pale little hands into my heart ??

I always felt like the intensity in his eyes when he looks at certain friends just had to have something behind it than that being his resting face. bc his resting face is basically 'please let me sleep sitting up' asgfaslglfsa. but the way he looks at Logan and Lando is so similar and the more I learn about loscar lore the more I realize I'm not just seeing things with him and Lando. it's not at all the same relationship but it's coming from the same place for Oscar in terms of his qualities as a person.

bc pre-F1 Oscar was wayyyy more open and expressive about his competitiveness and his celebrations etc - just overall way more open in general. so the amount that he kept checking in on Logan and making sure he was included over all the years they've been boys and young men from karting to F1… idk man that's extremely special and unusual coming from a privileged kid in a male dominated environment where the one goal is for the individual to win. sure, plenty of guys form strong friendships in those years and a lot of them had to leave home young to pursue racing beyond the karting level.

but for Oscar to not only have lived alone in the UK from age 14 and be in that environment and to be as motivated and hungry as he was it just says so much that he's still close with all the guys from his boarding school (where he had an attendance of under 40% !!) and that he's kept Logan close this whole time. esp after reading the Player's Tribune article about him we know that Logan's got a soft heart and that he's a "worrier" and just how hard it hit when his own family left him to return to the US. he often felt like an outsider and like, Oscar being the same age and being even further from his own family but some part of him still said to latch onto this American kid in particular. they were literally directly competing but Logan's even confirmed how it never affected their friendship. including Oscar interrupting a major victory for himself bc it was marked by Logan crashing out early and rushing to console Logan in person !! that's so unbelievably tender ?? winning these series' is the one thing in the world these boys want when they compete - but Oscar's thinking about his friend right when he wins ;__; kinda makes you think about how Oscar didn't spend one second celebrating as much as he rightly could have over that sprint win and consciously avoided bringing it up so often that Lando does it for him ;__;

and when the rest of the F1 grid is name dropping the right guys for fans to go crazy when it comes to quiz questions etc, Oscar goes right to Logan and Zhou bc he's actually known them the longest. and whenever there's the drivers parade or anything that brings the teams together, he's seeking those two out. when you consider the huge divide that formed when Oscar got the McLaren updates and especially after the sprint win he technically was in the company of all those guys at the front of the grid socially. he started getting those coveted fist bumps! but if he could spot Logan or Zhou he'd move or change his seat just to be with them.

and lol we know now that Oscar's been a major Lando fanboy since he moved to the UK so he'll also have seen how small and young Lando was for what he was achieving. he'll also have seen when Lando started opening up about his mental health struggles. and considering how much we've seen that Oscar leans liberal and socially sympathetic is in his likes and reposted content etc (esp him showing such a major social conscience during covid about people needing to protect the vulnerable) we know it isn't a leap to assume he understands/appreciates Lando standing for social progress within F1.

add to that Oscar having liked content that was to do with team atmospheres and cultures and Oscar himself being approached by McLaren when Lando started running circles around Daniel and all that drama was going on, of which Oscar was made painfully aware. oh and add that Oscar also liked carlando stuff back when Carlos was with McLaren… Oscar had so much knowledge about what to expect as Lando's teammate… and yet!

Oscar very specifically has never tried to create a 'bromance' with Lando when it would've been so easy! the Lando effect was right there! and we know from the Prema content that Oscar could've been how he was with Robert and Arthur and a landoscar bromance at least close to carlando and dando could've been born! it would've made Oscar's life so much easier in terms of being accepted by McLaren fans to yuk it up and be the cheesy jokes/exasperated guy from twitter (that everyone already knew him to be) to Lando's well-known hyperactive youtuber personality!

and we know he wasn't suddenly quiet and reserved out of nerves because Prema's social media popularity had fully prepared him for going viral and he'd done a ton of F1 track media stuff during his reserve driver year!

and the staring at Lando thing officially stopped being a fluke or something he did out of nerves as well because welp, it just get happening! Oscar shadows Lando and Oscar stands back slightly to let Lando have more of the spotlight and Oscar has endless patience with Lando and says "no I'll keep you happy!" when Lando tells him what to do!

Oscar is smart! Oscar is very aware of what the people he cares about are feeling! Oscar takes note of their personalities and accepts them for who they are! Oscar pays attention to what is going on around him in an intelligent and sympathetic way! Oscar doesn't default to posting the people he's closest to! Oscar views certain things as - if not 'sacred' - at least deeply important and not something to joke or be flippant about! his friendships supercede even his passion for winning!

Logan feels deeply and doesn't mind people knowing it! Lando feels deeply and doesn't mind people knowing it!

Oscar watches Logan and Lando closely with those focused brown eyes and Oscar is drawn to the people in his life who feel most vulnerable and Oscar interrupts his own victories to consider Logan and Lando !!!!!!!!

anon I assumed you wouldn't mind but all of this is to say that while we may never get Oscar appearing as frequently on social media as the other drivers - especially in winter - Oscar is someone we should use our down time looking more deeply into as a person because still waters running deep etc. what content we do have about him is so worth savoring I think.

because I for one definitely have taken too much about him for granted thinking he was Just a Guy and I was very very wrong about that.

I hope that helped a little??

[loli-momo1908]

Stressful Rant of November 2024

Hey, everyone. It's been a couple of rough days lately. First off, my grandma fell and hurt herself a second time, but thankfully, her bones aren't broken, like her wrist gained a small chip after her first fell 2 months ago. Her right arm has gotten alot better after a couple of days of sleep, taking medicines that helped her sore arm, but even so, it's gotten me so stressed and getting overly worried about what if she could fall again and again. I guess it's one of those PTSD I'm developing lately...... But anyways, to make matters worse regarding myself, I've been trying and trying to find out what further steps should I work on to get a job as a freelance animator or even getting a job as a dog bather. While I've been turned down by PetSmart because they've already hired a bather, I've becoming very stuck that I'm starting to lose all hope because I've literally got nobody to turn to, to ask who would be there to help me on completing my dream goal of becoming an animator. I can't even count on my own family because none of them understood me or my sense of artwork, because they think it's not part of a "realistic job". Even my own grandmother never understood a single thing of my concepts because she and her therapist thinks having my sister as a writer to make a story while using my Nature Healers artwork for some sort of toddlers' storybook. But I didn't want my Nature Healers as a storybook, I just want it as a potential tv series! See, this is why I hesitated, when my family wanted to see my artwork. This is why I only wanted to show all of my work to you all in the Internet World, because my followers and all the friends I've made in all my years are the only ones who understood me more of my artwork and their concepts. I'm sorry for ranting out like this, but I needed to let it out somehow to express myself, and I've figured typing on here would be the only thing I could properly speak clearly and not using my own voice, because nobody gets what I'm trying to say and I even stutter at times, when I'm struggling to say a few right words but they don't come out of my own mouth. I wanna thank you for your time to read this journal and listening to what I had to say. I hope you have a very good Thanksgiving and Christmas in advance.... God bless you all and have a wonderful day/night.

[archangeltwins]

living with this as an undiagnosed / misdiagnosed kid & teen, and now she wants to claim that she 'quit her job to take care of me'???????

examples I can remember/haven't entirely blocked out:

- calling me bitch, selfish, lazy, ungrateful, entitled, asshole, worthless

- empty-feeling praise or encouragement

- emotionally distant?

- felt my accomplishments were not my own, that they were only for them

- always had to pick which parent was right in a petty argument, to "back them up"

- NEVER felt that I was allowed to express emotions the correct way

- has never admitted she's wrong and makes me out to be the martyr instead

- accusing me of being a fibber, that everything that comes out of my mouth is a lie

- "you haven't been abused"

- wants me to apologize to her most times, instead of the other way around

- bringing up my past mistakes and provoking me into getting angry with her ("why are you always so angry with me/us?")

- ignoring my privacy or boundaries (wanting to know who I'm talking with, then tells me "she doesn't care who I talk to") on my phone/barging into bedroom unannounced, even when door is closed

- never let me shut/lock my door throughout childhood, always wanted me to keep it open "to see if I was doing anything suspicious"

- door taken off the hinges for punishments I can't remember/or blocked out entirely (stupid ones, like slamming too hard)

- always having to ask permission to do things (go out with friends/buy stuff/etc)

- telling me when I got upset that I was "too sensitive' or that I "couldn't take a joke"

- she has spanked me until I cried (younger), as I tried to protect my bottom from the smacks I was told to move my hands

- always thinks I have an "attitude" (and forbid I try to explain myself...)

- "I'm your mother!"

- "my house, my rules" (but if the house needed cleaning, it was "my" house too?)

- "I yell because I love you"

- "I brought you into this world, I can take you out" (threatening me with murder, great!)

- said that living "under their roof" was a privilege, not a right

- insults as sarcasm or put-downs, especially during lectures

- complains about how i never do anything, then jumps to do it once we offer (with a huff and "ungrateful" or "lazy")

- threatened suicide during a fit just to get us to pay attention to her

- said that if "[therapist] doesn't give them the answers they want" then I won't be going anymore

- threatened to take my phone/cut off service/etc to try and get me to feel...small? reliant on them?

- "you're not the adult in this house and you don't get to make the rules"

- also threatened to "take everything they've paid for" out of my room and leave me with the stuff I've bought

- threatening abandonment "driving off and never coming back"/etc after tirades

- "we're not the problem, you are"

- "we love you and want to see you happy" (right...)

- "we're the parents and you're the child"

- during "family meetings", she wanted to record what I say/do and I didn't get to have a say whether I want her to or not

- used to yell and get furious, then "apologize" and act completely normal (always thought that her quick flip to normalcy was so bewildering)

- used to make me decide my own punishment (soap/spoon/flyswatter/etc)

- threatening to send me to a psych ward bc of an autistic shutdown

- both of them used me as their sounding board to vent about the other parent when they should've been going to FUCKING THERAPY

- i would be so terrified of her blowups that i'd self-punish before she got home by putting all my electronics in her room

- sound of her car keys / car door shutting? instant dread and cold fear

[squidkidnerd]

Operation Atlantis Notes - "Coffeemaking and Crime" (chapter 7)

Alright, this will probably be even shorter this time because I'm tired and just glad I finally finished this chapter lol. This actually only took around a month to draft (which as you know, for me is pretty fast lol), but one of my betas was busy so it took them a while to actually get to the chapter and then when they did I was lazy so... yeah. Also happy holidays!

This chapter is a bit shorter than average, but I think that's okay. Like chapter 6, it's also a transitional chapter, but more... plot-based? Chapter 6 focuses a lot on Three and Eight's internal experiences and thoughts, while this one focuses a lot more on external conflicts. Also, it introduces Pearl and Marina! More on them later.

Opening poem: This one was pretty difficult to come up with, but ultimately I like what I came up with. As you could've guessed, it's Eight's thoughts on the octarian immigrants she meets throughout this chapter, and what they must've gone through. What was it like, upending their entire lives to live in an entirely different place? Eight doesn't really know, so that's what she's wondering about.

Atlantis at night: This scene was fun to write. While most of the time, Atlantis is a fun, lively city, we all know there's more to it than that. Much more. I enjoyed eluding to that here, with the city showing some more of its true, creepy colors. I also added some sanitized octarians, because Three, and well to an extent, us, don't really know what they are. What are they? Something... not good, certainly.

Sleepy Three: Yay, some Eight and Three interaction! I feel kinda... bad, because I feel like they haven't been interacting as much as they should be after chapter 5, but I think it's okay. They're busy people, after all. Anyways this was cute and fun, they're both so gay but they do not realize it.

The Octarian Society: Oh look, it's these guys. Yeah, they've been mentioned as early as chapter 3, but we really haven't got anything substantial on them... until now, of course. As for why Azalea is here, well, I thought it would make sense since she's an octoling and also, like a therapist... look, it was more interesting than having just a random guy there. As for the argument that ensues here, I wanted to give more insight into why everyone's so upset about Three. These people are all refugees, they left everything they knew to find a place they thought would be better... but unfortunately, they still carry fear with them. What better target of that fear than an inkling, their greatest foe? Eight doesn't understand this, though, and I just wanted to emphasize how separate that makes her from them. Yeah, she's an octoling, but is she really if she hasn't had the same experiences as them? It's a detail I haven't seen that many people touch on, and I was happy I got to touch on it here.

Vent sneaking and Caesar cipher: Guys look, it's (some) action! Yeah, obviously Three's going to avoid fighting as much as possible because she doesn't want to be found out and captured lol. We also got some classic vent action, which I feel is slightly less implausible because of inkfishs' swim forms? Yeah. Also, the Caesar cipher. I included it as a little twist of "the password is on the sticky note" trope, and also because my sister kept sending me emails in Caesar cipher and my friend (who is actually one of the betas) made a whole-ass decoding spreadsheet. But... as Three soon figures out, unlocking the computer doesn't really mean anything. Yeah, Kamabo is very secretive and thus, they have passwords for everything. Oh well. If only there was someone who could help Three and Cuttlefish with that...

Pearl and Marina: THEY'RE FINALLY HERE!!!!!! Yeah, I had a blast writing this scene. They're both so much fun to write, in particular Pearl. She has a very distinct and expressive character voice to me, and I feel like I did a good job capturing her energy. Man, it's crime that I've never really written these too... quick guys give me Pearlina fic ideas (joke... half-joke). Also, based on this AU's circumstances, it makes much more sense for them to connect with Three and Cuttlefish than Eight and Cuttlefish, which makes me sad because I like when Eight bonds with them, but alas. They meet her eventually.

Annnd that's it! This is my Christmas/end-of-year gift to you all, you're welcome. Hope you all have a happy holidays and wonderful new years! Man, I can't believe it's almost 2024... I still feel like I'm in middle school sometimes lol. My college apps are finally done and I got into my top choice, so yay! I can already feel the senioritis setting in though, lol. Hey, that just means I might write more to keep up my motivation lol. I've already started drafting chapter 8, if I'm lucky it'll be out by February, probably.

Also, I mentioned doing a one-year anniversary thing earlier, but I don't think I'll do that... I'm thinking of a little celebration once we reach the end of part 1, which is only 3 chapters away (!!!). I read a social media fic recently and it was fun, I was thinking of doing something similar? Don't know how it would work though. Let me know if you guys have any ideas!

[nomchonks]

I had to reschedule my last therapy appointment and I just never did, because I have basically given up hope that they will actually help me. I'll go in and talk about something I am struggling with, and she will say "do you want to work on that in the future" and I'm thinking "I would like to work on that right now, actually" but I just say "sure" and then next session she doesn't say a thing about it. Maybe she is waiting for me to bring it up, but I don't because I feel awkward. She just asks me how I've been, and I tell her about a different fire in my life I would like to be put out, and she might suggest that we'll work on it next time.

So today I had an appointment with the RNP who prescribes my drugs and to be honest, I used to really like her, she actually gave me decent advice. But for some reason lately I feel like even though she still asks me the same questions, she's not listening. Today, though, she really made my dislike of her concrete. She asked me how I was doing, and I was honest, I said I've been working to better myself. She asked how. So I told her about how I forced myself to show some of my bad drawings to other people, to try to gain confidence with my drawing. She asked me what I like to draw and if I "want to do anything with it," whatever that means. I said yes, but expressed some anxiety over my ability, which prompted her to say my least favorite "compliment":

"Whatever you draw, it's better than what I can do haha. :)"

Nothing you say to me can make me hate you quicker. I've been drawing since middle school and I do it every day. I've put hours and hours into improving. I should fucking hope I can do better than someone who literally doesn't know anything. Would you feel good knowing you're better at psychiatry than me? Except maybe you're not, because you seem to think what every depressed person needs is the right medication to fix their problems.

Anyway. I said my problem was actually finishing drawings, and she suggested I talk to my therapist about completing tasks. I just shrugged. Wow, what an idea, talking to my therapist about one of my biggest problems. Why didn't I ever try that.

No one is going to be able to help me but me, because no one knows me as well as I do. How can you ever expect to help anyone when you just see them every 3-4 weeks to ask them how they've been? Maybe I need a life coach instead. Lmao.

My problem is my life is unfulfilling, and prozac and half hour vent sessions aren't going to change that.

[bisluthq]

can *I* ask you guys advice lol? So I have this tendency to be really bad at friend breakups (I'm not good at romantic ones either but marginally better and that's not the point of this story). I have/had this friend who is A LOT of work and very exhausting to me. She was fun to hang out with when I was drinking because she drinks like a fish so like we'd yk go drinking together and that'd be fun but since I stopped drinking, I kinda stopped hanging out with her? And I've found out she's been like in hospital and stuff and obviously I haven't really been a supportive friend through that (I did send her a few "get well soon" messages but I didn't like go see her but fwiw she never went to see me last time I was hospitalised) and she ran into my bf at the shops and said like I was her only friend and really let her down etc etc and now I feel really bad about that but I also... don't want to be her friend again??? Also the only reason we originally became friends is she was dating my bf's friend and now they've broken up lol so like idk like I feel like a really bad person for how I've handled this whole thing and how hurt she clearly is but also like... I'm dealing with my diagnosis and figuring out my meds and I always have family drama going on and I have family in two war zones and my bf and I are in a peaceful era rn but we do have volatile patches lol so it just feels like idk I want friendships to be positive influences and I feel like she's a very negative person and a very negative influence? But I also feel like it's even RUDER to send her a message NOW like "sorry dude but you stress me tf out and I don't wanna hang out with you sorry" after she told my bf how hurt she was and I *also* don't want to say "so sorry, I was dealing with a lot, let's go hang out" because I... don't want to hang out with this lady. So like. Idk y'all. Knowing me as well as you all do (which is likely as well if not better than many of my irl friends, who I also can't ask because like many of them know this girl and most of my good friends fucking hate her because she's NUTS and has ruined so many functions lol by getting sloppy wasted and being weird), how do I like... make myself feel better ig? Make her feel better? Should I just let it go? My therapist says I should be honest with her and focus on all the things I've been going through but that feels like it'd just open the door to her wanting to hang out again and y'all I cannot express to you how much better my life has been since this woman stopped phoning me three times a day (which is what she used to do) so like...

[sincelastsession]

Joshua that number I left for my past EMDR therapist is the only way I've gotten in touch with her. I did request my records, she said she'd send them. They weren't delivered ever. I really really do want to get my files from her I am entitled to a copy via state law. It contains a fuck ton about me that I really feel will help because the sheer amount of traumas to bring up again is going to jar me trying to list em out. I feel like it'll definitely assist you on my treatment plan greatly because we did A LOT.

I assume that there's a place files of this nature are supposed to go?

I assume you would know who to call to help me secure them? Or perhaps we could find out. Even if you don't want to use them...I would very much like a copy of her files on me.

I can sign paperwork for you next session for you to get my files if I haven't and idk who else you'd like to talk to or option to chat with other than psychiatrist and primary care but I'll sign documents with them.

I think she still has a profile on psychology today and email...but the text number I left has been my only way to catch her...

I don't want to be nasty but if she can't produce my files I will call a lawyer. Because yes they'll be great for therapy but I asked a while back.

I'm going to send an image of your card to her and request she leave a voice-mail or talk to Chelsea so we can get that done.

It's just BOTHERING me.

I do understand your treatment style us very different.

Also fuck Robyn. I got so much "feedback" to say about her. She takes literal young men and women who are struggling and honestly I see those patients struggling more with thier gender identity and transitioning. I don't think she's safe for LGBTQA+ folks. That's imo something that should be between a psychiatrist and endo foremost before hitting therapy. Like ive spoken to mine about it and we have different views but now that I have I can open up abt that. Like she invited a client to her home. I feel she pushed a bi male into transitioning and imo the trans ppl I know are happy and she doesn't seem happy now at all. She told me to break up with my now ex and treated me like a liar and literally sessions with her felt like interrogation and SUPER judgy and she was VERY FAKE with my parents who were ofc putting on a show for her.

I cannot begin to explain how well my parents are at manipulating therapists and turning it into everything being on me and as soon as I say something in response or try to blow their cover it's WILD because the one thing they don't realize they do is thier facial expressions. They'll either over mask or forget to do it. They always trip up.

Mom likes to play victim and very clueless kind. Dad does this in a different manner, he's subject to get pissed and walk out or raise his voice unless he's gonna act right because you're not a woman.

The weirdest part of having been raised by these people. The way I've studied them since childhood to please them. They adapt and use therapy against me. They don't remember what they've said or done. They seem put out by me telling them "hey what you did was fuckin wrong and yeah I've brought it up before and you shut down and we never settled it" then they'll be like "you just love to hold grudges" etc... but it's not that. I'd like to process it all or what I can. The reason it comes up over and over is because it's not going into memories to be forgotten in my brain. It's just hanging out in the fuckin trauma bay. Like a packed ER.

I am open to whatever type of family therapy is beneficial. Often times my dad is nasty to my mom when she's calling or texting about me. I don't think she deserves any bullshit if she's just relaying a message.

Like they got divorced and still fight like idiot assholes.

She left and I had a fucked up back and was a stoner and kept to myself because my father treated me like a partner to abuse and daughter to control and there's a ton of emotional incest. Dad also talks to young ppl online and what I saw years ago looked like grooming behavior and poor pity me with women of age I hope but still younger than me. Probably because many older men try to influence young women and never emotionally mature correctly and actually accept their age. I remember him on dating sites complaining about how ugly certain women were whose profiles imo were quite lovely and impressive. He acts sorta like an incel.

My sister you'll probably see straight through. She's an actress.

I do want to see with a few sessions if it may be possible to salvage anything with any of them.

What's upsetting is that though I have a poor sense of self...they don't really know me or seem to want to know me.

My psychiatrist thinks it's due to me not being healthy and also that I'm not married and doing the "normal" thing so there's resentment.

Since NONE of them listen to anything I have to say because they're all under the impression I'm trying to control them based on well nothing other than I'm gonna guess THE PAST.

They think I'm frantic. They haven't really read anything about what I deal with. They don't listen to listen. They listen to reply and they cherry pick and twist things I say to mean things they don't.

I don't know how to have a conversation with any of them without them exploding. My dad and mom have literally put me on speaker and walked off and my sister idfk last time I tried to speak to her she was FADED and I hung up.

They all have excuses.

It hurts that they won't accept and educate themselves like my friends do. It's not hard.

I fear they are both VERY mentally unwell and I'd really like to hear what you think.

I do have audio I keep forgetting to show you. I feel it's important and it will give you an idea of what a "light" encounter with them both while having a fucked up back and asking for help because I couldn't do laundry on my own sounds like. I recorded it because it'd already been happening that day and they do the narccistic tornado and I wanted to make sure my words weren't twisted more.

I wish I had more recorded. It's wild.

I'm concerned my dad is fucking with Piper's head but she's already a shitshow (I love my sister but I'm gonna fuss about her crap still)

I feel like I'm playing Squid Games and talking to any of them is a test.

My dad has told me to kill myself and to die and he's left me alone in the hospital after relieving my mom where I was then abused and left in a waiting room with a dead phone and no way to go pee for HOURS because my back was out.

We almost sued OLOL for the maltreatment.

This is not the first time I've been left alone in a hospital and abused.

People think I'm a hypochondriac but I just have a special interest in medical. I grew up in medical environments. Knowing as much as I can retain has kept me safe from further misdiagnosis and malpractice bullshit. I wish I could actually just gent sent to a mayo clinic or idk one of the big hospitals where they use diagnosticians and run you through the gambit.

I know it's not a thing unless ppl are very sick. I mean it was traumatic as a child to be put in NIH testing for a Dermatomyositis study. I don't remember meeting other kids. I just met Ted Kennedy one day while I was playing waiting on another test. It was scary being like 8 and seeing secret service fill a room and guard a door so he could have a photo with me. He did talk to me a ton and I really don't remember what he said. My parents were thrilled and I'm sure there's a cat piss stained picture somewhere.

Did you know that my sister and dad just threw a ton of my things away and donated or tossed most of my books. I had a massive bookshelf. Now it's covered with things that are mine and shit my sister used to make her room aesthetic without asking me.

It has always been hard to go home and get anything from her. I really just want to take everything that was or is mine. Things I gave her and things she stole.

I don't think she realizes I have 2yrs to file a report on the assault and I could take her to court for emotional distress too and probably more.

I've never gotten justice for any of the things that have happened to me.

I wish I could just send all thier asses to prison but they wouldn't survive.

They all think I won't do anything. That's been taunted at me.

They have no clue. They have no clue what they created and they have no clue what goes on in my head.

Sometimes I think that there's something supernatural at play.

I believe in those sorts of things. I don't talk about it much enthusiastically because ofc people like to shit on it.

I know most of the things that haven't been proven by science will eventually be.

I know that also it does exist. Our govt wouldn't have done studies to use ppl with ability for war purposes.

I know a lot of cold reading is fueled by trauma. I don't like to cold read. I think people who sell cold reads etc are just very good at telling others what they want to hear...or they're so desperate they will truly take advice.

When I read things come through and there's this process. It's mind's eye where pictures and words come through. Then I just ask about what I see or deliver whatever messages. I was pushed out of a group that was threatened by my reading. They were threatened because they are frauds. If a message doesn't make sense for someone then I tell them to just take what makes sense. It's often like a crowded room when I read for people. It's been a while since I tried beyond simple shit. I've scared the crap out of friends holding thier hand and reading them. Because they never told me about the people I relayed messages. I didn't just guess. I opened myself up to it and flooded in.

Sometimes I want to get Reiki certification so I can just do that for ppl. I was told by a master that I was a natural energy worker. I was told by native shamans that I was a gatekeeper. My grandmothers had thier little superstitious practices.

This is the part you'll probably want to ask more about if I haven't talked abt it. I've exorcized a demonic or spiritual entity out of a person before. There's no way to prove it. I know what I saw and heard. I wasn't high.

It makes me wonder how many cases are actually supernatural and how many are actually just mental illness.

Also it's been driving me insane Joshua but I know you somehow outside of therapy. I do wonder if we've just been at the same place at the same time more than once and that's why I remember your face or if we have many mutual ppl. This is a big city small town so who knows. I hope it doesn't fuck up th Or you have a doppelganger 🤷🏻‍♀️

Idk.

I think one reason ppl think me and Travis would be a pair is because he's just a really kind good person. This extends beyond me and to others he knows. His family really is picturesque. They are excellent people. He will make someone incredibly happy one day. I am really bothered by people passing him over. He's actually looking for a therapist. I wouldn't be bothered if any of my friends saw you as a patient. The whole "oh no we can't do therapy with people you know" thing imo is silly. People in this state all know each other to the point it's just goofy.

My partner called me all excited that he didn't have to work overnight. He called because he was going out and felt bad that he wouldn't get to chat with me and had planned on doing so and had been excited to do so. He actually said "I Love you" more than once and I told him to go have fun. Saying I Love you is difficult for him sometimes. Am I sad I'm not getting to talk to him? Yes. Am I happy he got out of a stressful work night to enjoy time with his buddies or other partner? Yes, why wouldn't I be? I do get sad that I can't be there but it's still better than half the mfers that are just overgrown fuckbois etc that don't even have the emotional maturity to call.

I'm gonna go smoke out, do smol bit of laundry in my travel laundry bucket thing, eat decent food, stay up to an asinine hour, and play Sims4.

Hopefully no dumb bullshit occurs.

I cannot and I'm not the one this evening.

Goodnight

[shoggoth-the-bitch]

Scavengers

I have 10 episodes left, have wasted my whole day, and have work in 7 hours. Let's do this.

Who is this? What's happin-

Oh? "Private contemplation" you say? You suddenly have my full attention. Hold on, I have to check something on Ao3...

I'm disappointed in this fandom. Oh well, let me just...

Alright, where was I?

"The tunnels do have a tendency to echo." Oh my god! How many times did it come up do you wonder?!

Wait! They said they have a cult or something? Is this them?

"First name basis with the profits..." I'm sorry, they're profits?! That's hilarious, actually! Also, Jon being a smartass here is actually really funny to me.

They can sleep here. That would make me so happy.

Wait? Okay, I've seen some stuff for TMAGP (spoilers) and I know Celia apparently comes back in that series and she's the girl who talked to Martin in episode 100. The one with the bad ghost story and who he gave money for coffee. I'm sure it will come up later in the episode but honestly an A+ choice on the writer's part.

Oh, maybe you shouldn't tell them this part?!

Oh? They know each other? From therapy? Can't imagine she has the best mental image of Jon then?

Yeah, was wondering when the- Oh god the tape recorders refuse to be told no today... Stop acting like this is Jon's fault!

I was gonna make a quip of "Only seven people, you didn't even get one from each fear?" but apparently they lost a bunch of people and that is very sad actually.

The implication that the tape recorders seem to like Martin is interesting. It reminds me of Jon saying that the Eye is fond of him a few episodes back. I can't help but wonder if that's because the Eye finds him particularly interesting or capable or if it more because Jon loves him and thus the Eye kind of loves him too?

I'm not sure why but the concept of something eldritch and vastly beyond human comprehension being fascinated and possibly in love with a human is actually kind of scary to me in a way. Like, I made a post forever ago about fan translation of Uzumaki, where the characters said something to the effect of "It's like the Spiral is in love with you." and that had fundamentally changed the story and it perspective for me at the time. Because something that thrives on fear and chaos simply can not express love in a way that's human or even really safe to interact with. Case in point, Jon is one of the Eye's favorite humans and look at everything it's put him through so far.

This is all to say, if that is the direction that the story is going and the Eye is actually in love with Martin to come extent then all I can really think is "Oh god no."

Anyway, unpause.

Yes, thank you! Stop being blaming Jon for this shit!

A convenient fear that's a never ending supermarket? What fear would that even be? Like, I've worked in customer service so I guess that would be a constant and unending nightmare for me to have to go back to but interesting that it might have been enough of an issue for it to have it's own place at the end of the world.

Wait, yeah, where is the Admiral! He's just hanging out in a Hunt domain, I thought those were just memes! I'm actually really sad about that!

More of the tape recorders following Martin then... Okay, Melanie, you don't gotta be mean... Melanie, you were always this way...

Your therapist thinks your the chosen one. Weird...

Ah, that's cute...

"One of the profits chosen to walk the end time unscathed," and "the anti-christ's plus one." Aren't you two just a pair?

Yes, fantastic question! How?!

A Spiral maze? Of course a therapist would fear madness.

Gosh, that's awful! So they just explained the fears to these people and they took it in a religious way. Oh, I hate the thought of that actually! Like, what happens if you start to worship after the fact? Can you become a chosen of the fears after they've already won, I wonder?

Melanie, you lied to them, I'm guessing? Damn, okay. I'm guessing it gave them at least a little hope? That's good I guess? Yeah, this doesn't seem great.

Oh, Melanie, you are tragically sweet. Martin, you are also tragically sweet. I wish you both the best.

Okay, this is a hard conversion... Daisy, I miss you still. Basira too!

"Careful of Helen." She says. You don't say hon? Yeah, don't worry about that actually.

Yeah, I liked her too... Okay, Martin you can't just drop "Jon killed her" like that on someone and give literally no warning. Pace yourself bud!

I would argue that- I am very curious who Aaron is?

Uh? This person sounded a lot like Helen for a second and I almost went "Oh god no!"

Fair enough...

Hello Aaron? I don't know if I like you but okay... Sorry, hon, no gods of hope.

"What do you know about poetry?" Well he is dating a poet... "Nightmare Strider." That's a fun title-

"I do not want a poem." Damn Jon. Why is everyone in this hellscape either tragic or just mean?

Jesus Jon, you're becoming way more of a dick?

There was a lot to take in from that episode. Like, wow. Melanie and Georgie are profits, Jon is a prickly disaster, me wondering if the Eye is overly obsessed with Martin or if I'm just interpreting the series wrong, I have another new fic to read, just wow...

[stardust-maple]

I've gotten a lot of replies like this since I posted this.

And I am sort of disappointed in how I explained what this was for before. But I'm also disappointed to get unsolicited advice from strangers about how to talk to my doctors.

You also seem to be wrong about how this chart works. My fault. Never explained it. But basically the "mine" column is for my own perceptions and scales. Because that's the range of pain I can be in. And the drs. Is for what to say to the Dr to translate it to their scale. The "mine" is the friends and family column. The " yeah man this is how bad it is today" column.

This is for a lot of things.

I made this after not being able to describe my pain with a number for a long time after having gotten covid. I got covid. I somehow was in so much more pain than I had been. it completely broke my perception of pain because I was in so much pain that I couldn't fully process it. I had never been at an 11 before, but I was suddenly at a 13. I was in more pain than was possible.

Unfortunately every time I checked the pain chart. I found that somehow my pain number had gone down even though I was in the same amount of pain. The numbers are based on function. The numbers are based on how much you can do.

So while I told everyone I was at a 3 I was in no less pain than when I had been at a 5. Because I had learned how to ignore the pain and continue working.

My PCP doesn't treat my pain. She doesn't treat my fatigue. But every time I go to the Drs office she asks me to rate my pain. This number is for the insurance company. And it is not an important one.

This is not the scale I'm using with my physical therapist or my pain management doctors. It's not for that. It was never for that. It's for talking to my PCP when I'm coming in for one of my checkups because she gives me prescription medication that she has to check in on to make sure I still need it.

And the number doesn't effect if I still need it or not.

A homemade pain chart is only good if everyone in the room knows what the numbers mean. I shifted the chart so my numbers communicate the correct thing to her.

I can do stuff. I'm not in less pain just cause I do stuff even though I'm in pain.

It allowed me to give a number to my family again. To be able to express my limits. Where I was.

It allowed me to reconcile the difference between what I could do and how much pain I was in.

When I was talking to people treating my pain, I ALWAYS looked at the pain scale THEY were working from or showed them mine. They ALWAYS knew what the numbers meant.

There are so many pain charts. There are so many ways of rating your pain. I cannot express how this was helpful to me. Constantly. Constantly it has been helpful to me.

So yeah. I'm not using this in the emergency room. I don't use this for non-chronic pain. My pain is constant. It doesn't feel like anything but itself. Acute pain feels so different.

This is a tool. It doesn't have to be perfect for it to be a good tool. It doesn't have to work for everything to be a good tool.

I'm not going to use this where it doesn't fit. Just like I'm not going to write an email in Latin to talk to a physics teacher.

Never have never will.

No one is using this in emergencies unless other people know what they're saying. No one has said that they're doing this.

And everyone is responsible for their own shit. It is demeaning to think that someone is going to sabotage their own medical care with this chart. Disabled people know what happens when you tell a doctor you're at an 11.

They know every doctor uses a different chart and that there is so much juggling going on every time you see a fucking medical professional. Cause they've done it before. They've messed up or heard the stories or someone else has warned them.

I'm sorry that you went through that. I'm sorry they didn't believe you.

And

I'm oh so sorry that I didn't put disclaimers on my Tumblr post.

I made my own pain and fatigue scale charts. Because I'm so adept at overcoming my symptoms the normal pain scale doesn't really work for me. I adjusted my numbers so that I could change the number into something I could tell a doctor when they inevitably ask me to rate my pain.

[Image Description: Pain Scale Chart with rainbow gradient background for each row, starting at red and ending at blue. Row 1: Mine Drs Pain Scale Description Row 2: 10 X I am not leaving my bedroom or bathroom, someone needs to bring me food and I need something to dull the pain or the pain will cause tears. Row 3: 9 X I am not leaving my bedroom and bathroom for anything other than food. Row 4: 8 10 Speaking is difficult. It is no longer practical to do activities outside of the bathroom or bedroom, but they can be done with assistance. Row 5: 7 9 Necessary care activities are sacrificed. Academic activities and social activities can no longer be tolerated. Row 6: 6 8 My pain is tiring. Paying attention is difficult. All activities require pacing and extra effort. Row 7: 5 7 My pain is so distracting it is making me tired. It is hard to think. Necessary care activities are no longer all doable. Row 8: 4 6 My pain is so distracting it is making me tired. It is harder to think. Necessary care activities are starting to be limited. Row 9: 3 5 I can continue to do most activities Row 10: 2 4 My pain bothers me but I can ignore it most of the time Row 11: 1 3 My pain bothers me, but I can ignore it most of the time. Row 12: 0 2 I am aware of my pain only when I pay attention to it Row 13: X 1 My pain is hardly noticeable Row 14: X 0 I have no pain. END Image Description]

[Image Description:

Fatigue Scale Chart with rainbow gradient background for each row, starting at red and ending at blue. Row 1: Mine Drs Fatigue Scale Description Row 2: 10 X Can barely sit up, needs assistance to get out of bed. Holding conversations is impossible. Laying down for most of the day is necessary. It is difficult to eat. Focusing is strenuous. Row 3: 9 X Able to walk and stand for short distances. Holding conversations is difficult. Laying down for most of the day is necessary. It is difficult to eat. Focusing is strenuous. Row 4: 8 10 Able to walk and stand for short distances. Holding conversations is difficult. Sitting for long Periods of time is difficult. It is difficult to eat. Focusing is strenuous. Preparing a meal isn’t possible. Row 5: 7 9 Holding conversations is difficult. Sitting or standing for long Periods of time is difficult. It is difficult to eat. Focusing is strenuous. Row 6: 6 8 Sitting or standing for long Periods of time is difficult. It is difficult to eat. Focusing is difficult. Preparing a meal is difficult. Row 7: 5 7 Standing or walking for long periods is difficult. It is difficult to eat. Focusing is difficult. Row 8: 4 6 Standing or walking for long periods is difficult. Focusing is difficult. Row 9: 3 5 Cooking for longer than 15 minutes is extremely challenging. Row 10: 2 4 Not everything can be done in the day. Activities are slowed down. Difficult mental challenges are sacrificed. Row 11: 1 3 Tiredness makes it difficult to enjoy fun activities. Row 12: 0 2 Things take more effort than usual, but everything is still doable. Row 13: X 1 Slightly tired but still able to carry on as normal Row 14: X 0 Not tired at all END Image Description.]

Feel free to use them yourself if you like them!

[eekimdone]

another little venty vent cause fuck people

i hate myself. I actually hate myself. u hate my body. I hate my personality. I hate my brain. I want to go to my friends but they're always either doing great or terribly and I don't want to ruin their mood or make it worse with my issues. I actually wanna k!ll myself again, for the first time in 4 months. not my goofy constant imma kms like genuinely just need an inconvenience to shove me over the edge rn. I feel so stupid talking about what's going on in my head but sometimes this helps.does anyone else ever daydream about something terrible happening and think about what everyone's responses would be based off of your experiences with them, cause I do. and i realized mhow much people wouldn't care. I hope maybe one day they will care. I want to talk so bad to by bestfriend but she's literally getting proposed to tomorrow and I don't wanna ruin that. (btw they've only been together 4 months and I think it's a great idea eventually but not for two teenagers who haven't even made it passed the 1 year mark.) but nobody knows what to do if I cry lol, I have the emotional tendencies of a man. I honestly just want to break tf down and have someone there to comfort me and hold me but obviously I'm some unlovable ass who has never been in a good relationship. and honestly I'm gonna need my ex to stop pretending like I'm talking shit about her when ik she knows it's true. and istg if bro doesn't stop saying "you did look how that worked out" every time I say fuck you am going to bash my head against a brick wall because I FUCKING KNOW BRO you're literally the one who broke up with me even if it seems like we never actually dated and we never "broke up" dude I know please stop reminding me I wasn't as important to you as you were to me I know this shit by now. I'm mostly over it but some days she will not shut up about it and I wanna slap her cause I think she knows what she's doing to me at that point. I just want someone who will genuinely love me and actually take care of me. but anyways I've started counting calories and eating less and relapsing more again so that's fun. but if I tell the one person I can tell they'll only be like same. I try to ask her how she's genuinely doing but she always brushes me off and I don't know how to really express my feelings. she's not my therapist though so idrk why I want to tell her. probably because sometimes I only feel like I'm there to do things for them not just because I'm their friend. I kinda expected and I think even wanted her boyfriend to notice and say something to her but he doesn't have social skills so they can never see how i deflate when they talk about certain topics that strike a nerve. also idk why they say I'm not fat, we all know I am so why won't they just admit it. I do truly hate my body and they know so maybe that's why. I've tried so hard to look better but I just cant.