#Like... I've expressed this to them and to my therapist and they've been like 'what kind of things might you do...'

[beanghostprincess]

Rayleigh and Buggy reunion, but Rayleigh is being over the top judgemental about everything, like idk if u are familiar with crazy ex girlfriend the TV show but Rayleigh shows up and acts exactly like Rebecca's mom does. Overcritical of his life choices and dismissive of what he perceives as excuses coming from Buggy, because he knows Buggy's true potential and is annoyed with Buggy not living up to it. He gives Crocodile a once over and goes "is that what you found to replace Shanks with" and moves on and Crocodile doesn't even have a moment to compute the way he was just insulted because Rayleigh has moved on to criticising Mihawk's cooking instead. Worst part is, this all comes from a genuine place of love and care, Rayleigh is legitimately worried sick about his baby clown son of 39 years, but he cannot express that worry without being extremely invasive about everything. Buggy isn't even responding, he just shoots ppl apologetic looks and rolls his eyes when Rayleigh isn't looking because of course he does this obviously Buggy is never good enough for him and Shanks had always been the favourite (you ask Shanks or any other Roger pirate and they will tell you that Buggy is Rayleigh's baby boy and absolute favourite with utmost confidence, too bad the emotional constipation runs in the crew). Dinner is awkward as fuck, because Rayleigh makes attempts at being easygoing but his motherhenning nature irt Buggy shines through, his conviction that Buggy would be happier with Shanks by his side is making him be overcritical of everyone in that dinner and he keeps discussing the good old days and subtly hinting at Buggy that there is still time for him to go back to Shanks....and Buggy looks close to frustrated tears (and everyone agrees, Crocodile has snapped 5 cigars in half with his teeth and Mihawk is 5 seconds away from banging his head on the table).

Just overbearing father Rayleigh being stifling and trying to overcompensate for his shit parenting choices during Buggy's childhood and Buggy having his daddy issues expanded upon (and Crocodile and Mihawk gaining insight to Buggy's entire deal)

"Idk if u are familiar with crazy ex girlfriend the TV sho-" My therapist literally told me to stop watching it so much because it was affecting my mental health. So. Yes. I know the show. It's one of my favorite shows EVER. Rebecca is just like me fr my beloved. All of them my beloveds. The songs my beloveds. Don't make me go into CEG x OP because I won't finish. And as you can see, I did not listen to my therapist.

Even though I've always seen Rayleigh as the one who understands Buggy the most (Roger and him love Shanks and Buggy equally but it is quite obvious they put more pressure on Shanks to be more like Roger and that only made things worse by making Buggy's inferiority complex exist) and the one who stands up more for him and comforts him when needed, it is true that he might be more judgemental and he'd be worried for Buggy. Like. Think about it. Roger died and the kids (their kids) ended up alone and going their own separate ways. For Rayleigh, finding out Shanks and Buggy aren't together is just?? So weird?? Because they've always been together. Birds of a feather (if somebody mentions the song 'Two Birds' I am punching them because I can't handle that song today please). And it's just... Well, surprising. 'But as long as they're okay' but they're obviously not okay!!! And it's not that Rayleigh is judging Buggy. In fact, I think he would do the same with Shanks. The second Rayleigh sees Shanks he's already saying he drinks too much (even for a pirate) and that he's been acting recklessly and "What the fuck are you doing without Buggy? Is this because of Buggy?" / "I do not drink because of him. It's- It's not about him. He left-" / "HE LEFT AND YOU DIDN'T DO ANYTHING?????" / "I hate it when you get like this" / "Like what?" / "Like you want to still do something about my life. I'm an adult, thank you very much-" / "No, you're not if you keep acting this way". And I personally think Rayleigh would just be worried for the both of them and also feel extremely guilty because he wasn't there to fix things when they fought, the way he always did. "The second I left you alone you two start a fight that lasts two decades?" and he would say this to both of them and they would hate it.

But yeah, going back to Buggy I think he'd be worried because. Well. Have you seen Crocodile and Mihawk? I mean. They're kind of on good terms with Buggy now (more or... More or less. Kind of. They're not equals but they're some sort of weird thing and they respect and care for each other. More or less. It's- It's complicated. Don't ask) but they're still them. And Rayleigh can't help but see the situation and be like "I'm proud you made a name of yourself, kid, but you don't have to do this if you don't want to" (meaning: You could go back to Shanks any time you wanted) and Buggy takes it as an "You could go back to Shanks any time you wanted because you'd be safer with him" instead of the real "You could go back to Shanks any time you wanted because you'd be happier with him and this war of pride and hearts you have going on is dumb". And he understands Buggy needs to be away from Shanks to grow, but it's just so, so sad to see them like this when they used to love each other so damn much.

Also, I think Buggy would be going through the worst moment of his life and Crocodile and Mihawk would be so done for different reasons. First, they don't give a fuck about all of this drama. And second, they are starting to see Buggy more like a person and understand why he is the way he is, and the things Rayleigh is saying are bothering them a lot. They've been trying to make the clown move on from his past so he's useful for once (because when he believes in himself he's actually not a burden and more interesting) and now this guy (that they respect because it's Silvers Fucking Rayleigh) comes and tries to change things around here? Nope. Not happening.

So basically, what you're trying to tell me is that Rayleigh regrets raising the boys that way and now he's overcompensating and it's overwhelming for everyone, right? I- I love it. Great plot. 10/10. In character. Perfect. It makes me go insane. I love their daddy issues.

(Also, can we talk about how "This Was a Shit Show" and "What'll it be" are extremely Buggy songs??? Because- Because now I want to-)

[butdaddyilovehim-hs]

Tolerate It III

"Tell me I've got it wrong somehow."

Read Part II here

Harry watches as Kendall leaves, his heart heavy with the weight of the situation. He turns his attention back to Y/N, who stands there, waiting for his explanation. He knows he doesn't have much time to make things right, and he takes a deep breath before he starts speaking.

"Y/N, I swear, I didn't invite her over. I had no idea she was coming. I've been a mess since you left, and I've barely left this place. She must have just shown up on her own," he pleads, his voice full of sincerity.

Y/N's grip on her bag loosens slightly, but she doesn't sit back down. Her eyes are still filled with hurt and doubt, and Harry can see her fight or flight kicking in.

"I know I messed up, and I can't even begin to express how sorry I am for everything. I love you, Y/N, more than anything in this world. You and Elle mean everything to me, and I've been a fool for not showing it," Harry continues, his voice cracking with emotion.

Y/N remains silent, her gaze fixed on him. Harry knows that he needs to give her more than just words. He needs to show her that he's committed to making things right.

"I'm going to make it up to you, Y/N. I'll do whatever it takes to rebuild your trust. We'll go to counselling if you want, and I'll be more present in Elle's life. I promise to be the husband and father you both deserve," Harry says, his voice filled with determination.

Y/N finally sits back down, her bag still in her lap. She looks at him with a mixture of sadness and hope in her eyes.

"Harry, this isn't going to be easy. Rebuilding trust takes time, and I can't just forget everything that's happened. But I want to believe that we can work through this," she says, her voice quivering.

Harry nods, relieved that she's willing to give him a chance. He reaches out and gently takes her hand, giving it a reassuring squeeze.

"I know it won't be easy, but I'm willing to do whatever it takes to make things right. I love you, Y/N, and I'll spend the rest of my life proving that to you."

Y/N's eyes soften, and she leans in to kiss him. It's a tender and heartfelt kiss, filled with all the love they've shared over the years. It's a kiss that signifies a fresh start, a chance to rebuild what was broken.

As they pull away, Y/N gives him a small smile, the first genuine one he's seen in days. "Okay, Harry, let’s try and fix it.”

Harry nods, his heart feeling lighter than it has in days. "I know, and I'm ready for all of it. I just want us to be okay again."

Y/N places her hand on his cheek, wiping away a stray tear. "We'll get through this together, Harry. But it's going to take time and effort from both of us."

Harry leans into her touch, closing his eyes briefly before opening them to meet her gaze. "I'm willing to do whatever it takes, love. I promise."

And in that moment, as they sit together on the couch, holding onto each other, they both believe that maybe, just maybe, they can find their way back to the love that had once been so strong.

~

So they do it. They go to counselling for the first time and Harry is a shaking bundle of nerves and Y/N is internally breaking down. Because what if it doesn’t work out? They sit in the waiting room, the minutes ticking away slowly, the tension in the air palpable. Harry's leg bounces nervously, and he can't help but feel like he's about to face a judgmental tribunal. He glances at Y/N, who is lost in her thoughts, her fingers nervously playing with the edge of her sweater. He reaches out and gently touches her hand, offering a reassuring smile. She looks at him and manages a small, trembling smile in return.

When their names are called, they enter the therapist's office together. The therapist, a calm and empathetic woman, greets them warmly and invites them to sit down on the cozy couch. The session begins, and Harry and Y/N take turns talking about their feelings, their fears, and their hopes. It's difficult at first, and there are moments when tears flow freely. They confront the pain they've caused each other and the scars it has left on their relationship.

The therapist guides them through various exercises, helping them communicate more effectively and teaching them strategies for rebuilding trust. They start to see the deep-seated issues that led to their problems in the first place, and it's not easy to confront those truths.

As the session progresses, Harry's nerves start to ease. He realises that this process isn't about judgment but about healing. Y/N, too, begins to feel a glimmer of hope as they explore ways to rebuild their relationship.

After the first session ends, they step out into the daylight, and Harry takes Y/N's hand in his, squeezing it gently. "How are you feeling?" he asks softly.

Y/N looks at him, her eyes reflecting a mix of emotions. "Nervous, but I think it's a step in the right direction. We have to try, Harry, for ourselves and for Elle.”

Harry nods in agreement, his heart heavy with the weight of their journey ahead. "I know, love. And I promise you, no matter how hard it gets, I'm with you every step of the way.”

A/N: Finally the end to this series. Thank you for all the love on it :)

Tags: @lukesaprince @harryspirate @walkingintheheartbreaksatellite @lilyrmason12 @styleslover-1994 @stylesfever @kathb59 @indierockgirrl @bxbyysstuff @gills-lounge @lomlhstyles @opheliaofficial07 @behindmygreyeyes @gem1712 @stylesmoonlight12 @babyiamperfectforyou @velvetballaspark @harrys-flower @macy-tpwk @mema10 @jerseygirlinca @daphnesutton @rafaaoli

[inchidentally]

I'm sorry to bombard you like this, but you're like a therapist. So I want this winter break to end as soon as possible. Because seeing how many fans of different drivers enjoy fresh content, Oscar fans suffer a little. I mean, I should be used to it because I've been a Sebastian fan for the last 16 years and it's not news to me that someone disappears during the winter break. But it's different with Oscar and I feel a little sad about it. Well. I'm almost 27 years old and I miss a guy who doesn't know me. Can you write me something comforting? Thank you in advance! <3

don't apologize anon!! but let me just say I'm not remotely qualified as a therapist and could probably do with a second one for myself but I will absolutely try to offer comfort <3<3

ohhhh dude as someone who is only just now learning abt Seb in a fandom way I know you've already had it tough bc not only is that man charismatic and hilarious and beautiful he's also SO private. Oscar at least is so lowkey even in media engagement that it's not a huge surprise when he doesn't show up otherwise. but there's a reason I tag Seb "sun king". dude shines brighter than the screens behind a podium when he shows up. I don't know if I believe the rumors of him returning to F1 at all but I do think he's going to get back into a more public facing position at some point (and likely get back into racing in some capacity).

I think w Oscar what's been getting me is how excavation is the best way to get to know him and acquire content rather than relying on regular updates. I wish we had those too or at least the content from fans recognizing him - and maybe that will happen more w time. but I'm much more a feelings person than a fan person and Oscar's just really worked his pale little hands into my heart ??

I always felt like the intensity in his eyes when he looks at certain friends just had to have something behind it than that being his resting face. bc his resting face is basically 'please let me sleep sitting up' asgfaslglfsa. but the way he looks at Logan and Lando is so similar and the more I learn about loscar lore the more I realize I'm not just seeing things with him and Lando. it's not at all the same relationship but it's coming from the same place for Oscar in terms of his qualities as a person.

bc pre-F1 Oscar was wayyyy more open and expressive about his competitiveness and his celebrations etc - just overall way more open in general. so the amount that he kept checking in on Logan and making sure he was included over all the years they've been boys and young men from karting to F1… idk man that's extremely special and unusual coming from a privileged kid in a male dominated environment where the one goal is for the individual to win. sure, plenty of guys form strong friendships in those years and a lot of them had to leave home young to pursue racing beyond the karting level.

but for Oscar to not only have lived alone in the UK from age 14 and be in that environment and to be as motivated and hungry as he was it just says so much that he's still close with all the guys from his boarding school (where he had an attendance of under 40% !!) and that he's kept Logan close this whole time. esp after reading the Player's Tribune article about him we know that Logan's got a soft heart and that he's a "worrier" and just how hard it hit when his own family left him to return to the US. he often felt like an outsider and like, Oscar being the same age and being even further from his own family but some part of him still said to latch onto this American kid in particular. they were literally directly competing but Logan's even confirmed how it never affected their friendship. including Oscar interrupting a major victory for himself bc it was marked by Logan crashing out early and rushing to console Logan in person !! that's so unbelievably tender ?? winning these series' is the one thing in the world these boys want when they compete - but Oscar's thinking about his friend right when he wins ;__; kinda makes you think about how Oscar didn't spend one second celebrating as much as he rightly could have over that sprint win and consciously avoided bringing it up so often that Lando does it for him ;__;

and when the rest of the F1 grid is name dropping the right guys for fans to go crazy when it comes to quiz questions etc, Oscar goes right to Logan and Zhou bc he's actually known them the longest. and whenever there's the drivers parade or anything that brings the teams together, he's seeking those two out. when you consider the huge divide that formed when Oscar got the McLaren updates and especially after the sprint win he technically was in the company of all those guys at the front of the grid socially. he started getting those coveted fist bumps! but if he could spot Logan or Zhou he'd move or change his seat just to be with them.

and lol we know now that Oscar's been a major Lando fanboy since he moved to the UK so he'll also have seen how small and young Lando was for what he was achieving. he'll also have seen when Lando started opening up about his mental health struggles. and considering how much we've seen that Oscar leans liberal and socially sympathetic is in his likes and reposted content etc (esp him showing such a major social conscience during covid about people needing to protect the vulnerable) we know it isn't a leap to assume he understands/appreciates Lando standing for social progress within F1.

add to that Oscar having liked content that was to do with team atmospheres and cultures and Oscar himself being approached by McLaren when Lando started running circles around Daniel and all that drama was going on, of which Oscar was made painfully aware. oh and add that Oscar also liked carlando stuff back when Carlos was with McLaren… Oscar had so much knowledge about what to expect as Lando's teammate… and yet!

Oscar very specifically has never tried to create a 'bromance' with Lando when it would've been so easy! the Lando effect was right there! and we know from the Prema content that Oscar could've been how he was with Robert and Arthur and a landoscar bromance at least close to carlando and dando could've been born! it would've made Oscar's life so much easier in terms of being accepted by McLaren fans to yuk it up and be the cheesy jokes/exasperated guy from twitter (that everyone already knew him to be) to Lando's well-known hyperactive youtuber personality!

and we know he wasn't suddenly quiet and reserved out of nerves because Prema's social media popularity had fully prepared him for going viral and he'd done a ton of F1 track media stuff during his reserve driver year!

and the staring at Lando thing officially stopped being a fluke or something he did out of nerves as well because welp, it just get happening! Oscar shadows Lando and Oscar stands back slightly to let Lando have more of the spotlight and Oscar has endless patience with Lando and says "no I'll keep you happy!" when Lando tells him what to do!

Oscar is smart! Oscar is very aware of what the people he cares about are feeling! Oscar takes note of their personalities and accepts them for who they are! Oscar pays attention to what is going on around him in an intelligent and sympathetic way! Oscar doesn't default to posting the people he's closest to! Oscar views certain things as - if not 'sacred' - at least deeply important and not something to joke or be flippant about! his friendships supercede even his passion for winning!

Logan feels deeply and doesn't mind people knowing it! Lando feels deeply and doesn't mind people knowing it!

Oscar watches Logan and Lando closely with those focused brown eyes and Oscar is drawn to the people in his life who feel most vulnerable and Oscar interrupts his own victories to consider Logan and Lando !!!!!!!!

anon I assumed you wouldn't mind but all of this is to say that while we may never get Oscar appearing as frequently on social media as the other drivers - especially in winter - Oscar is someone we should use our down time looking more deeply into as a person because still waters running deep etc. what content we do have about him is so worth savoring I think.

because I for one definitely have taken too much about him for granted thinking he was Just a Guy and I was very very wrong about that.

I hope that helped a little??

[archangeltwins]

living with this as an undiagnosed / misdiagnosed kid & teen, and now she wants to claim that she 'quit her job to take care of me'???????

examples I can remember/haven't entirely blocked out:

- calling me bitch, selfish, lazy, ungrateful, entitled, asshole, worthless

- empty-feeling praise or encouragement

- emotionally distant?

- felt my accomplishments were not my own, that they were only for them

- always had to pick which parent was right in a petty argument, to "back them up"

- NEVER felt that I was allowed to express emotions the correct way

- has never admitted she's wrong and makes me out to be the martyr instead

- accusing me of being a fibber, that everything that comes out of my mouth is a lie

- "you haven't been abused"

- wants me to apologize to her most times, instead of the other way around

- bringing up my past mistakes and provoking me into getting angry with her ("why are you always so angry with me/us?")

- ignoring my privacy or boundaries (wanting to know who I'm talking with, then tells me "she doesn't care who I talk to") on my phone/barging into bedroom unannounced, even when door is closed

- never let me shut/lock my door throughout childhood, always wanted me to keep it open "to see if I was doing anything suspicious"

- door taken off the hinges for punishments I can't remember/or blocked out entirely (stupid ones, like slamming too hard)

- always having to ask permission to do things (go out with friends/buy stuff/etc)

- telling me when I got upset that I was "too sensitive' or that I "couldn't take a joke"

- she has spanked me until I cried (younger), as I tried to protect my bottom from the smacks I was told to move my hands

- always thinks I have an "attitude" (and forbid I try to explain myself...)

- "I'm your mother!"

- "my house, my rules" (but if the house needed cleaning, it was "my" house too?)

- "I yell because I love you"

- "I brought you into this world, I can take you out" (threatening me with murder, great!)

- said that living "under their roof" was a privilege, not a right

- insults as sarcasm or put-downs, especially during lectures

- complains about how i never do anything, then jumps to do it once we offer (with a huff and "ungrateful" or "lazy")

- threatened suicide during a fit just to get us to pay attention to her

- said that if "[therapist] doesn't give them the answers they want" then I won't be going anymore

- threatened to take my phone/cut off service/etc to try and get me to feel...small? reliant on them?

- "you're not the adult in this house and you don't get to make the rules"

- also threatened to "take everything they've paid for" out of my room and leave me with the stuff I've bought

- threatening abandonment "driving off and never coming back"/etc after tirades

- "we're not the problem, you are"

- "we love you and want to see you happy" (right...)

- "we're the parents and you're the child"

- during "family meetings", she wanted to record what I say/do and I didn't get to have a say whether I want her to or not

- used to yell and get furious, then "apologize" and act completely normal (always thought that her quick flip to normalcy was so bewildering)

- used to make me decide my own punishment (soap/spoon/flyswatter/etc)

- threatening to send me to a psych ward bc of an autistic shutdown

- both of them used me as their sounding board to vent about the other parent when they should've been going to FUCKING THERAPY

- i would be so terrified of her blowups that i'd self-punish before she got home by putting all my electronics in her room

- sound of her car keys / car door shutting? instant dread and cold fear

[onlineproblems]

ok not to be a mommy issues bitch but i was working on my story that i've been trying to write for like 3 years. and thinking about my mom. and wondering why i feel so much angrier at my mom than my dad, though they both wronged me. in different ways which arent really comparable but neither one more or less than the other.

my dad was distant and never praised me, always had criticism, higher standards for me to meet, and rarely told me he loved me, was the disciplinarian parent who wasn't involved in parenting unless it was to punish us. he's very different now that we're adults and i think he's realized that he won't have a relationship with his kids if he keeps acting that way, because he texts me often to tell me how much he appreciates and loves me. and although he knows i'm a godless atheist liberal, and he always tries to work god bullshit into the conversation, he basically still accepts me.

meanwhile my mom would always talk to me growing up -- about whatever, her frustrations with my dad, emotional stuff, our interests, religion, etc. we didn't get super deep because even when i was a christian i didn't share much with my family, but i was closer with my mom than my dad. i thought of her as more open-minded than my dad, but suddenly it was like a turn-around happened (or i just became more aware) and she was suddenly spouting low-key alt-right anti-vax, homophobic, end times bullshit and it kind of sucker-punched me to hear it from her. if i ever thought i could come out to her, i was quickly disillusioned. she said something like 'god would cause gay people to die sooner so that they wouldn't keep sinning' and i just had no response. she got her counseling license this year; she's a marriage and family therapist. fuck.

she's divorcing my dad which i think is a good thing; their marriage was not happy. he was basically incapable of expressing his emotions and he didn't mistreat her but he definitely didn't treat her right. he has decades of unprocessed trauma and he can't stop watching porn. i discovered it on the family computer when i was 10 years old. he tried to commit suicide five years ago. he locks up his computer and tells his whole church about it for 'accountability' and punishes himself but he can't stop. i don't know what the fuck went wrong with him. my mom won't tell me what happened to him but she's implied that he might have been molested or had something similar happen as a kid. i don't fucking know. how they've been married for 30 years i have no idea.

i have compassion for them both but i hate they way their bullshit has affected me and my brothers. my dad's inability to cope prevented him from taking care of us. my special needs brother went without the care he needed because my dad wouldn't leave his work in rural africa, because he was afraid of living in the us and feeling inadequate. he was an expert in his field there, but in america he was just another guy. i was depressed and suicidal and untreated and my mom probably was too but her ideology didn't allow her to disagree with her husband, so we stayed. and i hate her for that. for never challenging him, for just bending to his will when we all needed help. when my brother needed medical care that wasn't available where we lived.

i feel stunted, my emotional development so behind where i could be if i was allowed to interact with my peers during my formative years, because of my parents. our house had a yard with 8-foot walls around it and i never left there except to go to church. i had to cover my body for 'modesty.' i hated my body. i had an eating disorder. i was afraid of other people. i couldn't make friends. without going into detail, there were times i felt exposed to predatory men when i should have been protected by my parents.

and like....my dad should have taken responsibility, he should have woken the fuck up and cared for us instead of being in his own head all the time. i feel like i should be angrier at him and hate him more. why is my hatred more for my mom? is it because we were closer, so the betrayal feels deeper? is it because he's making a real effort now, actually putting work in to change the behaviors that harmed me, while my mom seems to have no awareness that she caused harm? i mean, she blames everything on my dad and doesn't really take any responsibility. i started cutting in college and she lamented to me last year that she ''really wanted to move back to be with me" but my dad didn't want to come and "she didn't know what cutting was". her excuse was she had never heard of cutting, and her husband said no.

she's had so many missed opportunities to care for and support me. i've been open with her about what i believe in, what i want to do, how i've changed, and her responses seem perfunctory, while my dad actually seems to take an interest in me even if he disagrees with most of my beliefs. i guess i feel like it's more important to me that he's actually trying now even if i don't think he'll ever really change. the effort is what matters to me. i don't think my mom is interested in trying -- it doesn't feel like she is. but i don't know. it just feel wrong to hate her so much more than him. it seems disproportionate.

i've spent time in therapy for most of these experiences so i'm not horribly affected by them anymore, and being an adult and having distance from my parents means it doesn't cause the agony it did when i was a teenager, but as they're divorcing this year it is bringing this sense of 'choosing sides' a bit closer. so a lot of memories are coming back up. in 2021 i spent like 4-5 months processing ptsd from my childhood and now i feel a little residual angst from it.

i'm a functional adult, and i'm pretty happy day-to-day. i know everyone has their own issues and traumas that inform their lives that we just don't see, nobody has it all together, and i try to keep that in mind and be merciful to myself when i feel like i should be...idk better at life. it's pointless to think about what-ifs and i don't, really, but i am pretty bitter and angry about how my parents could have spared me a lot of pain when i was young and had little control over the way my life went. i never want to have kids, for a lot of reasons, but i can't imagine giving birth to a child and not being intentional about the way you care for them, knowing that it's inevitable you'll fuck up, but wanting to be as informed as possible and giving them the best you possibly can because they're basically helpless. you can't be selfish when you're a parent. if you have a kid simply because that's what you're supposed to do, what the fuck are you doing? that's a person. i look at the children i know, or at my younger siblings, and i can't imagine not sacrificing my desires to care for them. abstractly, i don't like kids and i feel awkward around them, but jesus christ. your own child? especially if you chose to have that child? you're just going to sit back and let them suffer, because you don't want to be uncomfortable? don't have a kid if you can't handle it.

sometimes i wonder if i'll ever be normal enough to feel safe by myself, after my experiences with predators that my parents didn't protect me from. if i can leave my house alone and not feel a little bit of panic under the surface. i'm hopeful since i've made progress over the years, but it comes in waves -- grows and fades. i wonder if i'll stop automatically going on the defensive when certain subjects come up. if i'll stop having nightmares about being sent to hell and my mom telling me she was right all along. i wonder if i'll ever be able to feel normal about having a disagreement with someone i care about, without feeling like i'm sinning, like i need to be punished or i need to absolve myself because i'm so used to emotional abuse and neglect from my parents and church and 'god' that it informs my interactions with friends and especially my spouse. creeps in when i'm vulnerable and makes me act horrible when i want to be well-adjusted and healthy.

this be the verse, eh? they fuck you up. they really really do. and this really got away from me but god i just had such an outpouring of thoughts. it was cathartic. and i can't journal so it all goes to tumblr lmao.

[cosmichighpriestess]

Becoming Nonjudgmental

When you judge someone, you are only judging yourself, and a part of yourself that you reject, that you are not aware of, and you don't even realize sometimes that you are becoming the very vibration you say you disapprove of. When we judge other's we are expressing hatred for another part of ourselves, we are in denial of a part of ourselves we hate, unknowingly because we're in denial that we're in denial. I realized I have always been someone that has the psychic gift of seeing right through people and straight into their heart. It didn't matter if they had a smile, a mask or they were rude to me, had on a front or they had on a facade.

A lot of people who I knew and I was in relations with did not understand me and misunderstood me all the time, but I understood them very deeply. I thought I was doing something wrong by leaving these people behind because our relationships were so short lived, but it was actually because they weren't doing the inner self-reflection that I was doing, we weren't connecting on an emotional level because they weren't connected with their emotional body, because they weren't healing or doing inner work. They were in avoidance and denial that they needed to heal and work on themselves and then judging me for minding my business. They judged me because they were afraid of being vulnerable and honest with themselves. We all have done this at some points in our lives because we were afraid that we might be something we're afraid to look at. To quote Bashar, "discernment is selecting and acting on your preference from the available options you have in front of you and judgment is going a step further and invalidating what you do NOT prefer. The recommendation is to act according to preference, without invalidating what you do not prefer. "-Bashar

I couldn't be understood by anyone, but I could understand them very deeply, so we couldn't connect or talk without being in the vicinity of the same level of consciousness. Because I knew they weren't ready for a deeper conversation with me or anyone, even their own therapist. What no one tells you about judgment is that if you can master nonjudgement of yourself and others you will become a very powerful human being. Nothing and no one can ever affect you negatively and it will instantly raise your vibration. I usually didn't judge other people unless they hurt other people or myself I didn't realize that I had played the villain too in my past lives so I'm no victim either. But in this life, I could always see right through to their heart and who they hide from and it pained me to step into other's shoes. Some people finally felt seen for the first time in a long time, and some people ran away because they didn't like someone seeing into their soul. It was too much, even for me, to feel their pain, to feel all the trauma and abuse, and loss they've suffered for decades unnoticed by everyone in their life.

But I think they would feel better if they knew that I have nothing to judge. If only they knew what kind of mistakes I've made. When I was younger I was very rebellious, a free spirit, because I had very strict, controlling parents. I was always doing things I shouldn't do because I wanted freedom and control over my own life, I felt lack within myself. I had to stop beating myself up for just being a normal teenager and making "mistakes". There's no such thing as a mistake, only learning from neutral, meaningless choices we make so we can see what works and doesn't work. I made jokes out of everything to hide my trauma.

It gave me a sense of not taking everything so seriously, like my coaches, teachers and parents were always too serious with me. I would lie to get out of things. I would rebel against conformity. I really didn't care what other people thought of me because I was neurodivergent and I just didn't care about people telling me what to do and how to be and how to dress or act. My attitude was basically, "I'm not here to be likable, I'm just existing here, I'm not even here by my own free will, I'm just passing my classes, if someone disliked me I couldn't even tell unless they were bullying me and I wanted people leave me alone and dress however I wanted so they would not like me even more, and I thought, "good." I don't want them to like me because our spirits don't align anyways, the right friends will find me and I will find them." In high school I skipped class all the time because my teachers weren't inspiring me. I thought school was a prison and it wasn't meant for neurodivergent people like me, except no one knew I was neurodivergent when they were bullying me. When I was in my early twenties I partied every other day but sometimes I would go overboard and blackout after wanting to let loose with my very dark crowd. I saw things that I wish I had never seen, that I wish I had to courage to make right, from the dark people I was surrounded by. I only wanted to be around witchy types and musicians, neurodivergents, because they were the only ones who understood me. I took a lot of acid and shrooms to fit in. Those were my first awakenings.

When it comes to all those things we were told is "bad" "evil". No one is judging you, God just wants you to be high on him, get high off life as much as you can. It's so dense on Earth, I was just trying to make fun out of ugly, lower, denser situations from my very intense life. My humor was not appreciated because I made a joke out of everything that hurt me to survive it. I stopped making jokes for a long time, and I began keeping to myself after all the trauma I experienced from the narcissists who were attracted to my light. I never met anyone that could love me without betraying me it just became my norm. I thought that never receiving apologies from anyone was normal. Looking back, I judged myself harshly for being a rebellious teenager and settling for people who didn't even like me. I'm not a perfect person but everything I did is forgivable. When someone rejects you, remember that is their own limitation, and limiting beliefs, not yours. That is them rejecting a part of themselves that they do not wish to see or experience, there is something about themselves they do not wish to look at, therefore judging you by appearances and therefore judging themselves.

The Universe will challenge you on this, when you level up, if you have learned how to stop judging others, by judging yourself you're not helping them or yourself, just be like "wait, this is a person separated from Source/God, they are just trapped in the ego, it happens, I have nothing to judge here because I've done things I regret too, I've felt powerless too, they are having a bad day, they don't know themselves, they don't love themselves, I'm equal to them and nothing they are doing should affect me." Then you will pass the "test" again and again that you sent to yourself. Just don't respond. Don't defend yourself. Don't say anything. The test is basically, will you let your judgement of them or that thing, situation, affect your energy negatively everytime? Or will you not judge them and go about your own business not reacting?

This Earth game simulation holographic multiverse, hologame is just different levels of consciousness. You will always be in a better position if you can practice non-judgment everyday by going within and taking a look in the mirror, why am I feeling like this? Why did I react so hurt by that when it has nothing to do with me? Hmm why did this person make me feel insecure just by them existing? Why did I judge them just because they look different than me? Hmm why did I see them in that way when actually they just needed love and understanding? This is what shadow work looks like, and if you want to ascend to your highest timeline, you need to do Shadow work in order to heal yourself. No one does the inner healing work for us, they can only give us the tools to heal ourselves. And it's absolutely okay if you don't prefer to dive that deep into yourself yet because you're not ready. But if you are ready, it's not for the weak. Hell, I'm not for the weak. If someone can't handle me I can't blame them.

So I really don't have any room to judge anyone, I've been there done that. that's why I say I really mean it when you don't have to put me or any other spiritual person on a pedestal. We're all human just like you, we all go through the same things, we all have been through so much in different ways, we're all sinners, we all go through trauma and I don't judge anyone for where they have been. God will never disown you for making mistakes. God is pure unconditional love. Basically high frequency energies are pouring to earth now and they are dissolving many of the energies that have held humans in bondage to beliefs of lack, fear, limitation, unworthiness, or fear of being a sinner in need of saving. We've all been brainwashed into thinking we need to be saved or forgiven. God will make it so uncomfortable, so unbearable to follow the man made rules of religion and laws, and limiting beliefs as if sinning makes you unworthy of love. God will force them to quit their long held beliefs that they need to suffer in order to be worthy of something.

We don't care where you come from or what you've done. When you have the most high on your side he will forgive you instantly, love you unconditionally and he will avenge any wrong done to you. He will take your judgement away from yourself and others and he will give you peace. Never judge a book by its cover, you don't know what life they have walked. Every choice you make is equally valid. Because every choice you make is neutral and has no meaning. But it does mean you're probably judging yourself if you're judging someone else. Because if you are affected by something seemingly negative, perceiving the person or thing as negative, and their experience has nothing to do with you, so how can you judge it? Everyone deserves a second chance at life and coming back to God, to yourself, your true self.

[squidkidnerd]

Operation Atlantis Notes - "Coffeemaking and Crime" (chapter 7)

Alright, this will probably be even shorter this time because I'm tired and just glad I finally finished this chapter lol. This actually only took around a month to draft (which as you know, for me is pretty fast lol), but one of my betas was busy so it took them a while to actually get to the chapter and then when they did I was lazy so... yeah. Also happy holidays!

This chapter is a bit shorter than average, but I think that's okay. Like chapter 6, it's also a transitional chapter, but more... plot-based? Chapter 6 focuses a lot on Three and Eight's internal experiences and thoughts, while this one focuses a lot more on external conflicts. Also, it introduces Pearl and Marina! More on them later.

Opening poem: This one was pretty difficult to come up with, but ultimately I like what I came up with. As you could've guessed, it's Eight's thoughts on the octarian immigrants she meets throughout this chapter, and what they must've gone through. What was it like, upending their entire lives to live in an entirely different place? Eight doesn't really know, so that's what she's wondering about.

Atlantis at night: This scene was fun to write. While most of the time, Atlantis is a fun, lively city, we all know there's more to it than that. Much more. I enjoyed eluding to that here, with the city showing some more of its true, creepy colors. I also added some sanitized octarians, because Three, and well to an extent, us, don't really know what they are. What are they? Something... not good, certainly.

Sleepy Three: Yay, some Eight and Three interaction! I feel kinda... bad, because I feel like they haven't been interacting as much as they should be after chapter 5, but I think it's okay. They're busy people, after all. Anyways this was cute and fun, they're both so gay but they do not realize it.

The Octarian Society: Oh look, it's these guys. Yeah, they've been mentioned as early as chapter 3, but we really haven't got anything substantial on them... until now, of course. As for why Azalea is here, well, I thought it would make sense since she's an octoling and also, like a therapist... look, it was more interesting than having just a random guy there. As for the argument that ensues here, I wanted to give more insight into why everyone's so upset about Three. These people are all refugees, they left everything they knew to find a place they thought would be better... but unfortunately, they still carry fear with them. What better target of that fear than an inkling, their greatest foe? Eight doesn't understand this, though, and I just wanted to emphasize how separate that makes her from them. Yeah, she's an octoling, but is she really if she hasn't had the same experiences as them? It's a detail I haven't seen that many people touch on, and I was happy I got to touch on it here.

Vent sneaking and Caesar cipher: Guys look, it's (some) action! Yeah, obviously Three's going to avoid fighting as much as possible because she doesn't want to be found out and captured lol. We also got some classic vent action, which I feel is slightly less implausible because of inkfishs' swim forms? Yeah. Also, the Caesar cipher. I included it as a little twist of "the password is on the sticky note" trope, and also because my sister kept sending me emails in Caesar cipher and my friend (who is actually one of the betas) made a whole-ass decoding spreadsheet. But... as Three soon figures out, unlocking the computer doesn't really mean anything. Yeah, Kamabo is very secretive and thus, they have passwords for everything. Oh well. If only there was someone who could help Three and Cuttlefish with that...

Pearl and Marina: THEY'RE FINALLY HERE!!!!!! Yeah, I had a blast writing this scene. They're both so much fun to write, in particular Pearl. She has a very distinct and expressive character voice to me, and I feel like I did a good job capturing her energy. Man, it's crime that I've never really written these too... quick guys give me Pearlina fic ideas (joke... half-joke). Also, based on this AU's circumstances, it makes much more sense for them to connect with Three and Cuttlefish than Eight and Cuttlefish, which makes me sad because I like when Eight bonds with them, but alas. They meet her eventually.

Annnd that's it! This is my Christmas/end-of-year gift to you all, you're welcome. Hope you all have a happy holidays and wonderful new years! Man, I can't believe it's almost 2024... I still feel like I'm in middle school sometimes lol. My college apps are finally done and I got into my top choice, so yay! I can already feel the senioritis setting in though, lol. Hey, that just means I might write more to keep up my motivation lol. I've already started drafting chapter 8, if I'm lucky it'll be out by February, probably.

Also, I mentioned doing a one-year anniversary thing earlier, but I don't think I'll do that... I'm thinking of a little celebration once we reach the end of part 1, which is only 3 chapters away (!!!). I read a social media fic recently and it was fun, I was thinking of doing something similar? Don't know how it would work though. Let me know if you guys have any ideas!

[nomchonks]

I had to reschedule my last therapy appointment and I just never did, because I have basically given up hope that they will actually help me. I'll go in and talk about something I am struggling with, and she will say "do you want to work on that in the future" and I'm thinking "I would like to work on that right now, actually" but I just say "sure" and then next session she doesn't say a thing about it. Maybe she is waiting for me to bring it up, but I don't because I feel awkward. She just asks me how I've been, and I tell her about a different fire in my life I would like to be put out, and she might suggest that we'll work on it next time.

So today I had an appointment with the RNP who prescribes my drugs and to be honest, I used to really like her, she actually gave me decent advice. But for some reason lately I feel like even though she still asks me the same questions, she's not listening. Today, though, she really made my dislike of her concrete. She asked me how I was doing, and I was honest, I said I've been working to better myself. She asked how. So I told her about how I forced myself to show some of my bad drawings to other people, to try to gain confidence with my drawing. She asked me what I like to draw and if I "want to do anything with it," whatever that means. I said yes, but expressed some anxiety over my ability, which prompted her to say my least favorite "compliment":

"Whatever you draw, it's better than what I can do haha. :)"

Nothing you say to me can make me hate you quicker. I've been drawing since middle school and I do it every day. I've put hours and hours into improving. I should fucking hope I can do better than someone who literally doesn't know anything. Would you feel good knowing you're better at psychiatry than me? Except maybe you're not, because you seem to think what every depressed person needs is the right medication to fix their problems.

Anyway. I said my problem was actually finishing drawings, and she suggested I talk to my therapist about completing tasks. I just shrugged. Wow, what an idea, talking to my therapist about one of my biggest problems. Why didn't I ever try that.

No one is going to be able to help me but me, because no one knows me as well as I do. How can you ever expect to help anyone when you just see them every 3-4 weeks to ask them how they've been? Maybe I need a life coach instead. Lmao.

My problem is my life is unfulfilling, and prozac and half hour vent sessions aren't going to change that.

[troglobite]

re: abandoning idea that you're special

currently trying to deal w this bc it was all so mundane.

but the way i've been treated…like it hurts MORE if i accept that the reason ppl treated me that way is just bc they're boring and mean, and i was a convenient target.

it hurts MORE if there's nothing for me to change abt myself and try and learn that way. it hurts MORE if my pain therefore doesn't matter to anyone.

like my therapist keeps saying this shit is PROTECTIVE, it's not just punishing myself, it's protecting myself from a reality that hurts worse and makes me mean less.

it doesn't HAVE to, but it's not easy or simple and it doesn't make me feel better, and given everything else going on i'm sort of just too tired rn to fully come to grips w this.

i don't think i'm special in a positive or negative way, just unique in a stupid way.

it's also really hard to accept if i have never met a single person w the same experience as me that makes me feel the most pathetic.

like not identical but there are a few things where i'm like, okay even ppl who say they relate still had xyz and i didn't. not trying to nitpick or be special, but it makes me feel worse when someone in THEORY is like I Get It! and then they v much don't in a way that makes me look more pathetic

here i'll be specific:

d/von pr/ce also just posted abt this

there was a lesbian who msged them and said early 20s, haven't ever been kissed, on a date, no one has expressed interest, what should they do? what's going on? is it just bc they've missed the flirting bc they're autistic?

and the response was stop being self-obsessed and pay attn to other ppl then pursue ppl and ask for what you want, don't be passive in your own experience of attraction, etc.

and i can't speak for that person, but

why would i ever do that when i have spent my entire life being ridiculed for existing and other ppl have thought it was a JOKE when i found someone attractive

like

idk abt that person, but for me it is very much not me being a PASSIVE PERSON or NOT PAYING ATTENTION to what i like or find interesting abt others

i am not self-obsessed (in the Make People Like Me way) to the point that i don't pay attention at all

piloting in conversations AT ALL is VERY DIFFICULT, and that INCLUDES just trying to learn abt someone

i'm just tired and angry. nothing i do has a good outcome. with people.

and it's not--my passivity or obsession w Being Likable (which arguably i have deliberately failed at multiple times in my life) that made me lonely or confused.

it was the hatred and bigotry of other people

and these two forces are always at war in my head

"stop telling me everything wrong w me and my life is my fault. it's not. stop acting like me taking a ~simple~ action will fix it, it won't. i'm trying my best and right now i'm so tired i'm just conserving energy and trying to even mentally and emotionally think abt and process everything that i haven't bothered REALLY thinking abt before."

and then also

"there must be something fucking wrong w me for so many ppl to so casually and mundanely HATE me. i must be bad at conversations. at people. i must be annoying. i must be doing something wrong. if i could just figure out what."

and then the advice is always

unmask!

stop worrying abt that!

take an active interest in people!

as if being unmasked and trying to be interested in people hasn't been LITERALLY THE INCITING INCIDENT FOR SO MUCH OF MY, again, very boring and mundane abuse.

so no, reaching out and taking an interest in people and asking for what i want isn't going to go well. it's also a pandemic and I CANNOT LEAVE THE FUCKING HOUSE so my options are LIMITED.

and no, unmasking is incredibly painful with very limited benefits.

i am a very precarious point in my life, and i can't imagine being MORE VISIBLY DISABLED is going to help me AT ALL.

and no, abandoning this idea that i'm "special" is not helpful and not possible at this moment.

that lesbian that reached out to DP is younger than me, and that is still the closest i've ever come to someone ACTUALLY relating to me on that front.

i have never been on a date. i am almost 29 years old. people consider that a RED FLAG abt me.

everything i listen to has ppl expressing surprised or amusement if someone hasn't had sex by a certain age, or kissed by a certain age.

or ppl saying "it's fine if you're a late bloomer lesbian, in my experience most of us don't care if it's you're first time with a woman"

how about first time, PERIOD? how about first relationship, PERIOD?

it's just this whole part of life that i've never been a part of and i WANT.

i was interested in boys in school. i DID pursue them. in the classically awkward but not overly creepy (as far as i can remember) way of young preteens and teens.

and it was never received well. it never went well.

i'm just tired.

i don't want platitudes "oh life will be better if you do xyz" or "tons of ppl share that experience, it isn't unique"

i want an actual person w the same experience to look me in the eye and say "yeah that happened to me, too. it was awful."

i pay so much attention to other people that i have fun fancy little categories for them all in my head. not in a mean or limiting way, but where i get to see them grouped w other ppl and i can see Patterns in humanity--what i've seen of humanity.

i think abt my friends & other ppl & their lives and appearances and experiences and what i like abt them or just thinking abt them and taking them in.

yes i pay attn to making myself as inoffensive as possible--but based on what i know abt those ppl. i couldn't do what i do if i wasn't paying attention to other ppl in a very close and important way. all i do is think abt and anticipate how others might feel. i try to be considerate. i try to frame my language in a way that's helpful or clear to them. i don't want to hurt them or show that i misunderstood them if i did--i want to make sure i understand them as much as i can.

conflict is a part of life, and in theory it's fine--the problem is that even productive conflict rarely ever goes well for me. even if i want to address it. even if i try and handle it REALLY well.

i'm just tired of responses that flatten out the REASONS why things go poorly, the REASONS these are the protective strategies and masking i've had to learn.

my "problem" is that i don't care if it hurts me. and that no one cares abt my hurt.

but i've had to pay close attention to others my whole life. i've had to do things to make life survivable. and i don't even have it that bad.

i'm in this stupid grey area where it's not that bad so i should just get over it.

then i get yelled at for comparing myself to others, when it's all i've been taught to do.

everything i do is wrong and my fault and i'm tired.

[histronic-gizmo]

Guess who wrote an entire rant in response to an anti who tagged me in a post regarding the Stanley parable, only for it to not post because they had blocked me by the time I hit send 💀

I'm gonna rewrite it here

@the-redacted-line (obvi don't harrass them, don't engage with them, i don't know the full INs and OUTs of how blocking on tumblr works but I'm hoping they'll see this)

Here's the tags they put in that post

I never was saying I want to see problematic content of TSP, there's already a few good things on AO3, I was complaining because I'm barred from interacting with 90% of the TSP fandom here on Tumblr.

The Stanley Parable is SO important to me, I can't express that enough. I actively avoid problematic fan work with it because it's not something I enjoy or seek out with this game. I just, Yk, support people who do want that!

I'm upset that I can't interact with amazing art because I'm not an asshole about made up and intangible shit. I'm upset I can't make friends with most people who enjoy this thing because I'll be called a p*dophile.

I'm not at fault for YOU seeing my proship post that was tagged with 4 different variations of "proship" solely for filtering purposes. If YOU don't want to see proship stuff, filter the tags. The filtering system exists for a goddamn reason.

I have a long list of variations of various things filtered and I never see shit I don't want to see. And when I do? Guess what's going in my filter list?

I was sexually assaulted as a child and I am haunted with terrible intrusive thoughts of sexual assaults, murder and violence. I go to therapy and I've done all the coping mechanisms in the book. Nothing has been nearly as effective as coping with fiction. My therapist and I work extensively to make sure it's not having the opposite effect on me.

Some antis argue that if it's to cope, you should keep it to yourself. I'm disabled, and I don't always have the energy or resources to create this content I need to cope with my day to day life. People posting fanfiction, Fanart, original work, and other fanwork with problematic content is almost the only way I can access this coping mechanism.

Problematic content is IMPORTANT. It's not for everyone, it's not supposed to BE for everyone. Like everytjing, it should be clearly marked, tagged and labeled so people who don't want to and shouldn't see it DONT.

There are very little problematic fanworks that aren't clearly marked. The ones aren't marked are a problem that should be addressed, but the solution isn't to ban and shame problematic content.

Proshipper doesn't stand for "Problematic Shipper", it stands for "Pro Shipping". It's supporting people who are problematic shippers.

Its an acknowledgement that fiction affects reality, but in a different way than reality affects reality. It's an acknowledgement that people can explore things in fiction without it bearing any meaning on them as a person. It's an acknowledgement that it can affect reality and make people's trauma worse, so things should be clearly marked. It's an acknowledgement that fiction can affect reality and give survivors a safe environment to work through their trauma.

Its an acknowledgement that fiction and reality are different planes of existence. They're connected in so many ways but they are seperate.

It's an acknowledgement that survivors deserve to heal. Just because my way of healing doesn't work for you doesn't mean it's disgusting and shouldn't be used. Just because it's unhealthy for you doesn't mean it's unhealthy for me.

No one is trying to say you have to want to see, make, or support problematic fictional content. All we ask is that you stop labeling it as wrong, disgusting, and unhealthy. All we ask is that people who don't like it stop harrassing and demeaning those who do.

I have no idea what this person in particular has done, I doubt they've done anything, they haven't harrassed me. I want to make that clear.

It's just hard to be on your side when your side got me in the emergency room because of the massive amount of death threats, graphic violence descriptions, and insults I got in my Tumblr ask box on a daily basis.

I rarely ship problematic ships because my hyperfixation rarely have an opportunity for them (if we ignore Rick and Morty, that's very recent and out of the ordinary for me)

But I refuse to support and be in the side of people who think fiction is so much more important than reality that I get told I deserved to be raped as a child because I thought two cartoon characters should kiss.

You may not have said that, but that's who's side your on.

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

hi, so uh no TW's here (i think), but just some general advice. although it's not related to trauma, the advice i've gotten from the mods here is great, so i'm hoping that's okay! but just in case; tl;dr i need some advice on an online friend situation. so over the past 2 years ish, i used to be on discord for a game i used to play at one point. i used to to talk with a lot of people there & made some good friends, but it's been a long time now and a lot of people have moved on with their lives and i'm not in touch with too many. however i've kept contact with one friend and we talked a lot over the last year. i've talked with him about all my irl issues and he knows about my traumas. we even call each other best friends. but here's the thing, i prefer to have a divide over my online and real life. in some sense, it gives me peace and keeps me sane because i have a history of feeling shitty using social media sometimes. although he has been on me on video call, i never show my face because i don't feel comfy doing it. and thing is, the guys not really mad. he's been upset over it sometimes, but he respects it. i've also not given out my personal number. however, due to real life situations, i have decided to completely get rid of social media and have been off it for a while now, like instagram & discord so on. my friend has my gmail, so they can contact me through that, but i barely get a chance to reply. i've not been in the best place mentally, and i have a habit of taking very long periods to reply. this morning i checked my email for some uni work and saw the emails voicing his concern. they talked about how i disappear and leave nothing for them to contact me, they don't know how i look like and they still call me my best friend. it wasn't a rude gmail, it was genuinely full of concern but he sounded disappointed. although it's my fault for not letting them know about my situation, i still feel very guilty about it and i'm having a hard time writing back to them. we last talked over a month ago on gmail. and i know it's not good at all, but i haven't had the energy to respond to them. my therapist has suggested that i remove my online persona altogether because she does not see me doing well with being online, but wants me to not hurt anyone else in the process. and i honestly want to do it, because social media is draining for me, and i do not want to talk to anybody online except those i have real life connections with. but i really do feel bad abt the fact that i might have cut them off too, although i feel like not being online at all really might do my mental health well, but i'm not sure how to convey this to them. the fact that i want nothing to do with them anymore or any online friend just for my own sake feels very selfish and wrong, especially because they're nowhere at fault, and they really look up to me and respect me, but somehow, i feel like online friends remain online friends and i cannot let my guard down to go beyond that, although they've expressed wanting to be in real life friends before. i don't have the heart to tell them that they're merely an online friend to me. i seriously don't want to be on social media anymore, but i don't want to hurt them either. i'd really appreciate some advice on how i can go about this. sorry its so long!! hope y'all have a good day.

Hi anon, 

Thank you for the kind words about previous advice and it’s absolutely alright to reach out about interpersonal relationship dynamics - hopefully any of the below might prove helpful, or at the very least, validating.

You shared that you have a firm boundary about online versus real life, and you’re certainly not alone in that regard - who is allowed access to us in any and all ways - is only something you get to decide for yourself.  Regardless if that boundary might shift as you further progress on your healing journey, or not, currently you sound sure of what you need and have taken the steps to advocate for those needs (yay!).  

Though it’s equally valid for him to share his concern for you and politely request alternative ways to stay in contact to nurture the friendship, the way I’m reading your ask is that you feel the relationship has reached its course?  I don’t think it’s talked about often enough, but friendships changing, shifting, or even ending, is just as significant as the romantic counterparts, and in my opinion, it’s understandable that the complexities of trying to navigate that ending feel no less draining than trying to maneuver through a romantic break up.

And though I think you are being kind and empathetic by trying to find the best way to honor your needs, while avoiding hurting his feelings, sometimes - unfortunately - it cannot be avoided.  I believe your responsibility is to you stating your boundaries, and honoring his personhood by being kind in your goodbye message, but in regards to whatever his feelings might be in response?  Those are for him to process and manage. 

Without knowing either of you, I certainly cannot state definitely how you, or him might feel about it, or what happens next - but I’d encourage a goodbye message just to help with the sense of closure for you both.  I’d imagine there’s a way to offer appreciation for what the friendship was during a specific time of your life, and affirmations and assurances that it’s nothing personal, but that this is what you need for yourself at this time.  Hopefully hearing it’s not them, but something you need for your own mental health, will allow them to accept your boundary with grace, and compassion.  However even if they do not, it would not mean that your boundary was not valid.  And you have options when it comes to level of access with this person - gray rock, blocking, etc.  

Regardless of what you decide moving forward, I wish you well.

Mod Kat

[monstersinthecosmos]

RJ will treat Marius like a saint. He will play therapist/father-in-law to Louis and vouch for his son's innocence and loyalty to Louis. He knows both of his sons fuck Louis so occasional bribery gifts work to preserve his good will.

first of all sorry this is so hot lmfao: He knows both of his sons fuck Louis so occasional bribery gifts work to preserve his good will. 🥵

but no really, like okay here's the thing, and I've said this a few times so I don't want to say it again LOL but obviously everyone can read the same book and we all come out with different ideas about what it meant, based on our lived experiences and tastes, and I think we all knew that the books needed some updates. Not just because they're way too whacky and nonlinear to work smoothly as a TV series, but because there's a lot of outdated tropes & -isms that weren't going to fly.

And like the convergence of those two concepts means that we're gonna get one team's version of the books and also one team's opinion on what needs to be updated.

Like don't get me wrong because Marius is my favorite character in VC (and one of my fav characters in anything ever tbh) but I like him because he's fucking reprehensible. And I would've liked to see a version of him where he's just as charming and soothing and "wise" but where there's no ambiguity about the harm he causes. And like I don't wanna get too deep on Marius meta on a post about RJ & AMC but I think there's a lot of author intent to consider about Marius in the later books and whether or not Anne ever intended to hold him accountable or if she got bored and wanted to write fanfic by the end. That type of inconsistency might be something worth "updating" or worth exploring in a visual medium where we aren't stuck strictly to the interior of someone's POV, and the show is clearly expressing that it wants to play with POVs.

But we all know the types of like, sort of casual surface fans who just enjoy Marius and buy into his bullshit and don't see the harm he's caused, and don't see that he's actually fucking diabolical. I would argue that a lot of these are the same fans who do this to Lestat lmao. (He is, after all, MiniMarius.)

And I'm having a hard time reading what RJ will think of him. On one hand, so many of the decisions made to update the text have been just, overwhelmingly like cishet middle aged white guy decisions. That's exactly Marius's type LMAO. I wouldn't be surprised if they thought he was a saint and portrayed him as a saint, especially bc LET'S BE FUCKING HONEST I don't think they've actually done good research into the entire series, so like he's not thaaaaat bad yet in the trilogy. (There's signs, but, I think we all agree he becomes especially potent in TVA.)

On the other hand!!!!!!!! They've really turned Lestat's abusive behavior up to fucking 3578193587135 so like. Maybe they get it? (tbh I'm still having a hard time sussing out what they intended to be abusive and what they didn't, though. Fucking yikes lmao.)

Plus the lore is so fucking shoddy on AMC I'm curious like what kind of goofy nonsense they'll come up with to create a power imbalance when like idk it feels like all vampires have all powers or some shit like what is Marius going to be able to hold over these guys to impress them?

I also feel like it's hard to gauge what they're squeamish about and what are their standards; ie: aging Claudia up at a glance was OH OKAY SURE LESS GROSS STUFF, but then in reality it was LETS MAKE HER 18 IN LIKE 5 MINUTES AND HAVE HER HYMEN GROW BACK EVERY TIME HER LIL 14 YEAR OLD BODY HAS SEX.

And then in one of the panels RJ made like a kinda dismissive/grossed out comment about Lestat/Gabrielle?

idk man like, update if you need to but I feel like maybe don't commandeer this project if these topics make you squeamish LMAO.

So would they lean into Marius/Armand being predatory? Would they age Armand up so it's not as gross? Will Marius be a saint or will he be so over the top fucking disgusting that he's the no. 1 villain of the show?! Will Armand be aged up but they'll still find a way to make it fucked up?!

It's so hard to say based on RJ's opinions on sexual assault in fiction; like I could see him leaning into it for the shock factor but I could also see him so blithely misreading it that he doesn't see it as an issue in the book at all. Especially because Armand's experience of it doesn't fit neatly into RJ's whole "rape makes you tougher" trope since Armand doesn't ask the reader to think of it as rape. I just worry that this man has such a disconnect with this topic that he wouldn't really see it in the text, idk.

Anyway whew who knows, alls I know is I don't want them to even involve anyone else from canon I cannot stomach this LMAO. I have to keep reminding myself not to dismiss this man/this team as misunderstanding the text because they're educated professionals and keep reminding myself that this is deliberate because they do not care and in the end this is a corporate cash grab and not an artistic project made for us LMAO. And they're already so fucking far off the mark of the books anyway I don't think it's possible to make predictions at all.

[sincelastsession]

Joshua that number I left for my past EMDR therapist is the only way I've gotten in touch with her. I did request my records, she said she'd send them. They weren't delivered ever. I really really do want to get my files from her I am entitled to a copy via state law. It contains a fuck ton about me that I really feel will help because the sheer amount of traumas to bring up again is going to jar me trying to list em out. I feel like it'll definitely assist you on my treatment plan greatly because we did A LOT.

I assume that there's a place files of this nature are supposed to go?

I assume you would know who to call to help me secure them? Or perhaps we could find out. Even if you don't want to use them...I would very much like a copy of her files on me.

I can sign paperwork for you next session for you to get my files if I haven't and idk who else you'd like to talk to or option to chat with other than psychiatrist and primary care but I'll sign documents with them.

I think she still has a profile on psychology today and email...but the text number I left has been my only way to catch her...

I don't want to be nasty but if she can't produce my files I will call a lawyer. Because yes they'll be great for therapy but I asked a while back.

I'm going to send an image of your card to her and request she leave a voice-mail or talk to Chelsea so we can get that done.

It's just BOTHERING me.

I do understand your treatment style us very different.

Also fuck Robyn. I got so much "feedback" to say about her. She takes literal young men and women who are struggling and honestly I see those patients struggling more with thier gender identity and transitioning. I don't think she's safe for LGBTQA+ folks. That's imo something that should be between a psychiatrist and endo foremost before hitting therapy. Like ive spoken to mine about it and we have different views but now that I have I can open up abt that. Like she invited a client to her home. I feel she pushed a bi male into transitioning and imo the trans ppl I know are happy and she doesn't seem happy now at all. She told me to break up with my now ex and treated me like a liar and literally sessions with her felt like interrogation and SUPER judgy and she was VERY FAKE with my parents who were ofc putting on a show for her.

I cannot begin to explain how well my parents are at manipulating therapists and turning it into everything being on me and as soon as I say something in response or try to blow their cover it's WILD because the one thing they don't realize they do is thier facial expressions. They'll either over mask or forget to do it. They always trip up.

Mom likes to play victim and very clueless kind. Dad does this in a different manner, he's subject to get pissed and walk out or raise his voice unless he's gonna act right because you're not a woman.

The weirdest part of having been raised by these people. The way I've studied them since childhood to please them. They adapt and use therapy against me. They don't remember what they've said or done. They seem put out by me telling them "hey what you did was fuckin wrong and yeah I've brought it up before and you shut down and we never settled it" then they'll be like "you just love to hold grudges" etc... but it's not that. I'd like to process it all or what I can. The reason it comes up over and over is because it's not going into memories to be forgotten in my brain. It's just hanging out in the fuckin trauma bay. Like a packed ER.

I am open to whatever type of family therapy is beneficial. Often times my dad is nasty to my mom when she's calling or texting about me. I don't think she deserves any bullshit if she's just relaying a message.

Like they got divorced and still fight like idiot assholes.

She left and I had a fucked up back and was a stoner and kept to myself because my father treated me like a partner to abuse and daughter to control and there's a ton of emotional incest. Dad also talks to young ppl online and what I saw years ago looked like grooming behavior and poor pity me with women of age I hope but still younger than me. Probably because many older men try to influence young women and never emotionally mature correctly and actually accept their age. I remember him on dating sites complaining about how ugly certain women were whose profiles imo were quite lovely and impressive. He acts sorta like an incel.

My sister you'll probably see straight through. She's an actress.

I do want to see with a few sessions if it may be possible to salvage anything with any of them.

What's upsetting is that though I have a poor sense of self...they don't really know me or seem to want to know me.

My psychiatrist thinks it's due to me not being healthy and also that I'm not married and doing the "normal" thing so there's resentment.

Since NONE of them listen to anything I have to say because they're all under the impression I'm trying to control them based on well nothing other than I'm gonna guess THE PAST.

They think I'm frantic. They haven't really read anything about what I deal with. They don't listen to listen. They listen to reply and they cherry pick and twist things I say to mean things they don't.

I don't know how to have a conversation with any of them without them exploding. My dad and mom have literally put me on speaker and walked off and my sister idfk last time I tried to speak to her she was FADED and I hung up.

They all have excuses.

It hurts that they won't accept and educate themselves like my friends do. It's not hard.

I fear they are both VERY mentally unwell and I'd really like to hear what you think.

I do have audio I keep forgetting to show you. I feel it's important and it will give you an idea of what a "light" encounter with them both while having a fucked up back and asking for help because I couldn't do laundry on my own sounds like. I recorded it because it'd already been happening that day and they do the narccistic tornado and I wanted to make sure my words weren't twisted more.

I wish I had more recorded. It's wild.

I'm concerned my dad is fucking with Piper's head but she's already a shitshow (I love my sister but I'm gonna fuss about her crap still)

I feel like I'm playing Squid Games and talking to any of them is a test.

My dad has told me to kill myself and to die and he's left me alone in the hospital after relieving my mom where I was then abused and left in a waiting room with a dead phone and no way to go pee for HOURS because my back was out.

We almost sued OLOL for the maltreatment.

This is not the first time I've been left alone in a hospital and abused.

People think I'm a hypochondriac but I just have a special interest in medical. I grew up in medical environments. Knowing as much as I can retain has kept me safe from further misdiagnosis and malpractice bullshit. I wish I could actually just gent sent to a mayo clinic or idk one of the big hospitals where they use diagnosticians and run you through the gambit.

I know it's not a thing unless ppl are very sick. I mean it was traumatic as a child to be put in NIH testing for a Dermatomyositis study. I don't remember meeting other kids. I just met Ted Kennedy one day while I was playing waiting on another test. It was scary being like 8 and seeing secret service fill a room and guard a door so he could have a photo with me. He did talk to me a ton and I really don't remember what he said. My parents were thrilled and I'm sure there's a cat piss stained picture somewhere.

Did you know that my sister and dad just threw a ton of my things away and donated or tossed most of my books. I had a massive bookshelf. Now it's covered with things that are mine and shit my sister used to make her room aesthetic without asking me.

It has always been hard to go home and get anything from her. I really just want to take everything that was or is mine. Things I gave her and things she stole.

I don't think she realizes I have 2yrs to file a report on the assault and I could take her to court for emotional distress too and probably more.

I've never gotten justice for any of the things that have happened to me.

I wish I could just send all thier asses to prison but they wouldn't survive.

They all think I won't do anything. That's been taunted at me.

They have no clue. They have no clue what they created and they have no clue what goes on in my head.

Sometimes I think that there's something supernatural at play.

I believe in those sorts of things. I don't talk about it much enthusiastically because ofc people like to shit on it.

I know most of the things that haven't been proven by science will eventually be.

I know that also it does exist. Our govt wouldn't have done studies to use ppl with ability for war purposes.

I know a lot of cold reading is fueled by trauma. I don't like to cold read. I think people who sell cold reads etc are just very good at telling others what they want to hear...or they're so desperate they will truly take advice.

When I read things come through and there's this process. It's mind's eye where pictures and words come through. Then I just ask about what I see or deliver whatever messages. I was pushed out of a group that was threatened by my reading. They were threatened because they are frauds. If a message doesn't make sense for someone then I tell them to just take what makes sense. It's often like a crowded room when I read for people. It's been a while since I tried beyond simple shit. I've scared the crap out of friends holding thier hand and reading them. Because they never told me about the people I relayed messages. I didn't just guess. I opened myself up to it and flooded in.

Sometimes I want to get Reiki certification so I can just do that for ppl. I was told by a master that I was a natural energy worker. I was told by native shamans that I was a gatekeeper. My grandmothers had thier little superstitious practices.

This is the part you'll probably want to ask more about if I haven't talked abt it. I've exorcized a demonic or spiritual entity out of a person before. There's no way to prove it. I know what I saw and heard. I wasn't high.

It makes me wonder how many cases are actually supernatural and how many are actually just mental illness.

Also it's been driving me insane Joshua but I know you somehow outside of therapy. I do wonder if we've just been at the same place at the same time more than once and that's why I remember your face or if we have many mutual ppl. This is a big city small town so who knows. I hope it doesn't fuck up th Or you have a doppelganger 🤷🏻‍♀️

Idk.

I think one reason ppl think me and Travis would be a pair is because he's just a really kind good person. This extends beyond me and to others he knows. His family really is picturesque. They are excellent people. He will make someone incredibly happy one day. I am really bothered by people passing him over. He's actually looking for a therapist. I wouldn't be bothered if any of my friends saw you as a patient. The whole "oh no we can't do therapy with people you know" thing imo is silly. People in this state all know each other to the point it's just goofy.

My partner called me all excited that he didn't have to work overnight. He called because he was going out and felt bad that he wouldn't get to chat with me and had planned on doing so and had been excited to do so. He actually said "I Love you" more than once and I told him to go have fun. Saying I Love you is difficult for him sometimes. Am I sad I'm not getting to talk to him? Yes. Am I happy he got out of a stressful work night to enjoy time with his buddies or other partner? Yes, why wouldn't I be? I do get sad that I can't be there but it's still better than half the mfers that are just overgrown fuckbois etc that don't even have the emotional maturity to call.

I'm gonna go smoke out, do smol bit of laundry in my travel laundry bucket thing, eat decent food, stay up to an asinine hour, and play Sims4.

Hopefully no dumb bullshit occurs.

I cannot and I'm not the one this evening.

Goodnight

[girlwholovesturtles]

Scavengers

I have 10 episodes left, have wasted my whole day, and have work in 7 hours. Let's do this.

Who is this? What's happin-

Oh? "Private contemplation" you say? You suddenly have my full attention. Hold on, I have to check something on Ao3...

I'm disappointed in this fandom. Oh well, let me just...

Alright, where was I?

"The tunnels do have a tendency to echo." Oh my god! How many times did it come up do you wonder?!

Wait! They said they have a cult or something? Is this them?

"First name basis with the profits..." I'm sorry, they're profits?! That's hilarious, actually! Also, Jon being a smartass here is actually really funny to me.

They can sleep here. That would make me so happy.

Wait? Okay, I've seen some stuff for TMAGP (spoilers) and I know Celia apparently comes back in that series and she's the girl who talked to Martin in episode 100. The one with the bad ghost story and who he gave money for coffee. I'm sure it will come up later in the episode but honestly an A+ choice on the writer's part.

Oh, maybe you shouldn't tell them this part?!

Oh? They know each other? From therapy? Can't imagine she has the best mental image of Jon then?

Yeah, was wondering when the- Oh god the tape recorders refuse to be told no today... Stop acting like this is Jon's fault!

I was gonna make a quip of "Only seven people, you didn't even get one from each fear?" but apparently they lost a bunch of people and that is very sad actually.

The implication that the tape recorders seem to like Martin is interesting. It reminds me of Jon saying that the Eye is fond of him a few episodes back. I can't help but wonder if that's because the Eye finds him particularly interesting or capable or if it more because Jon loves him and thus the Eye kind of loves him too?

I'm not sure why but the concept of something eldritch and vastly beyond human comprehension being fascinated and possibly in love with a human is actually kind of scary to me in a way. Like, I made a post forever ago about fan translation of Uzumaki, where the characters said something to the effect of "It's like the Spiral is in love with you." and that had fundamentally changed the story and it perspective for me at the time. Because something that thrives on fear and chaos simply can not express love in a way that's human or even really safe to interact with. Case in point, Jon is one of the Eye's favorite humans and look at everything it's put him through so far.

This is all to say, if that is the direction that the story is going and the Eye is actually in love with Martin to come extent then all I can really think is "Oh god no."

Anyway, unpause.

Yes, thank you! Stop being blaming Jon for this shit!

A convenient fear that's a never ending supermarket? What fear would that even be? Like, I've worked in customer service so I guess that would be a constant and unending nightmare for me to have to go back to but interesting that it might have been enough of an issue for it to have it's own place at the end of the world.

Wait, yeah, where is the Admiral! He's just hanging out in a Hunt domain, I thought those were just memes! I'm actually really sad about that!

More of the tape recorders following Martin then... Okay, Melanie, you don't gotta be mean... Melanie, you were always this way...

Your therapist thinks your the chosen one. Weird...

Ah, that's cute...

"One of the profits chosen to walk the end time unscathed," and "the anti-christ's plus one." Aren't you two just a pair?

Yes, fantastic question! How?!

A Spiral maze? Of course a therapist would fear madness.

Gosh, that's awful! So they just explained the fears to these people and they took it in a religious way. Oh, I hate the thought of that actually! Like, what happens if you start to worship after the fact? Can you become a chosen of the fears after they've already won, I wonder?

Melanie, you lied to them, I'm guessing? Damn, okay. I'm guessing it gave them at least a little hope? That's good I guess? Yeah, this doesn't seem great.

Oh, Melanie, you are tragically sweet. Martin, you are also tragically sweet. I wish you both the best.

Okay, this is a hard conversion... Daisy, I miss you still. Basira too!

"Careful of Helen." She says. You don't say hon? Yeah, don't worry about that actually.

Yeah, I liked her too... Okay, Martin you can't just drop "Jon killed her" like that on someone and give literally no warning. Pace yourself bud!

I would argue that- I am very curious who Aaron is?

Uh? This person sounded a lot like Helen for a second and I almost went "Oh god no!"

Fair enough...

Hello Aaron? I don't know if I like you but okay... Sorry, hon, no gods of hope.

"What do you know about poetry?" Well he is dating a poet... "Nightmare Strider." That's a fun title-

"I do not want a poem." Damn Jon. Why is everyone in this hellscape either tragic or just mean?

Jesus Jon, you're becoming way more of a dick?

There was a lot to take in from that episode. Like, wow. Melanie and Georgie are profits, Jon is a prickly disaster, me wondering if the Eye is overly obsessed with Martin or if I'm just interpreting the series wrong, I have another new fic to read, just wow...

[goofyahhvents]

another little venty vent cause fuck people

i hate myself. I actually hate myself. u hate my body. I hate my personality. I hate my brain. I want to go to my friends but they're always either doing great or terribly and I don't want to ruin their mood or make it worse with my issues. I actually wanna k!ll myself again, for the first time in 4 months. not my goofy constant imma kms like genuinely just need an inconvenience to shove me over the edge rn. I feel so stupid talking about what's going on in my head but sometimes this helps.does anyone else ever daydream about something terrible happening and think about what everyone's responses would be based off of your experiences with them, cause I do. and i realized mhow much people wouldn't care. I hope maybe one day they will care. I want to talk so bad to by bestfriend but she's literally getting proposed to tomorrow and I don't wanna ruin that. (btw they've only been together 4 months and I think it's a great idea eventually but not for two teenagers who haven't even made it passed the 1 year mark.) but nobody knows what to do if I cry lol, I have the emotional tendencies of a man. I honestly just want to break tf down and have someone there to comfort me and hold me but obviously I'm some unlovable ass who has never been in a good relationship. and honestly I'm gonna need my ex to stop pretending like I'm talking shit about her when ik she knows it's true. and istg if bro doesn't stop saying "you did look how that worked out" every time I say fuck you am going to bash my head against a brick wall because I FUCKING KNOW BRO you're literally the one who broke up with me even if it seems like we never actually dated and we never "broke up" dude I know please stop reminding me I wasn't as important to you as you were to me I know this shit by now. I'm mostly over it but some days she will not shut up about it and I wanna slap her cause I think she knows what she's doing to me at that point. I just want someone who will genuinely love me and actually take care of me. but anyways I've started counting calories and eating less and relapsing more again so that's fun. but if I tell the one person I can tell they'll only be like same. I try to ask her how she's genuinely doing but she always brushes me off and I don't know how to really express my feelings. she's not my therapist though so idrk why I want to tell her. probably because sometimes I only feel like I'm there to do things for them not just because I'm their friend. I kinda expected and I think even wanted her boyfriend to notice and say something to her but he doesn't have social skills so they can never see how i deflate when they talk about certain topics that strike a nerve. also idk why they say I'm not fat, we all know I am so why won't they just admit it. I do truly hate my body and they know so maybe that's why. I've tried so hard to look better but I just cant.

[diaryoftheunidropout]

DAY 237

Days pass and it seems shit doesn't get better. In fact, it might even get worse. Also, I love how I randomly remember this account.

First things first, my mom has been in the psych ward for a week now. It stops her ED from getting too out of hand, but the real problem is her body image issues. That's what's causing the ED and it REALLY doesn't feel like the ooddles of doctors, psychiatrists, therapists and so on at the hospital seem to realize, or care, somehow. They also prescribed her with new antidepressants which she's having an allergic reaction to, but they say it's "normal" and are going to increase the dose. I hate them. I hate them so much and that's why I'd never want to go to the psych ward. They do the bare fucking minimum like feeding you and cleaning your room which are things you often can't do yourself anymore when you end up there, but they don't actually help you get better so when you go back into the world you can look after yourself again. Maybe I'm too harsh on them, and I'm sorry.

For my part, things are really shitty. I haven't gotten out of bed in 6 days now. I have had a pretty bad cold for a week too, so that'll justify it. Seriously, the truth is I'm going through a really bad depressive episode. It started about a week after I quit my job (so around the 25th of September I guess) and it hasn't left me since (we're the 3 of November right now). Most of the times I got out of bed were because I was seeing my relatives (I spent a week at my grandparents's and at my mom's, I saw my godmother a couple of times). My uni "friends" have completely given up on me and have straight up stopped inviting me to all their little parties and hangouts. I decided I didn't want to celebrate my "uni best friend" 's birthday anymore and came up with an excuse. I'm really disappointed in them. Or maybe I'm disappointed in myself because I should have been the one trying to organize stuff with them. But when you know they've created a groupchat with just the three of them, for some reason, and that was about as soon as I dropped out, you know you're not really part of the team anymore. I wonder if when my "best friend" doesn't walk fast enough compared to the two other girls, they just leave her behind like they did when we hung out the 4 of us, except I'd always slow down and wait for my "best friend" so she wouldn't be alone. I wonder.

These past 6 days, I don't really know what I've been doing except binge watch the last 3 or 4 seasons of BoJack Horseman. I absolutely ADORED this show. It's beyond what words can express. I've also started to develop a strange interest for dolls, specially the new Monster High dolls and Rainbow High/Shadow High dolls. It's okay, I'm going through a little phase and it brings me some comfort. I've also started reading Macbeth since I'm seeing the play in London in December.

All I pray for is winning the lottery. Whenever I don't forget, I play. I usually don't win much, but I play and I pray. Because I don't see how else I could get out of the deep. Just thinking about getting a job makes me feel an even greater amount of crippling anxiety and depression than I already have to bear every day. I've sort of convinced myself I deserved to have this little miracle happen to me because with all the shit I've been through, there is no one that could save me, not even myself, not doctors, not family. All that could save me would be becoming a millionaire and never having to worry about finding a job and losing my freedom, all of that to barely earn anything anyway. If I were a millionaire I could finally be sure I'll always have a roof above my head.

Lately I've lost the will to do things. I don't wanna celebrate my birthday. What is there to celebrate? It's gotten so bad that, although for a few months getting ready to see BTR tour in Europe was my top one priority in life, it's something I can barely find interest in anymore. When I think I probably won't be able to afford doing the whole tour I think "whatever", even though a couple of weeks ago I would have cried at the mere thought of not doing the whole tour. Things are changing quick. I'm losing interest in everything, nothing gets me excited. The BTR side of Twitter is hella toxic, you'll get cancelled over anything by a bunch of hypocrites.

I'd like to go back to the gym but I don't have the money, nor the will anymore. I've been asking for social aids (which I have the right to) but they're not giving me anything.

I don't have much else to say. I hope next time I write here things are a little better. I doubt they'll be, but I hope, still.

See you later :)

"Mr Blue I told you that I loved you

Please believe me..."