#Like appearance and clothes is important to gender expression no doubt about it but also the world is so beautiful once you go:

[beebfreeb]

It is kind of funny how much I've detached myself from appearance directly correlating to gender actually. When I design a character I go. Okay. What would they wear that reflects their personality and surroundings? And I make a character who is a 30 year old divorced man who looks like this:

[blatantescapism]

(you can also, if you so choose, be a sweaty horny pastel princess)

(or an asexual dyke)

The point here is that people have picked up some very weird and harmful ideas about sexual attraction and gender presentation,

because our oppressors have learned that they can wield control by using powerful labels like “toxic” and “predatory”.

Assholes have been trying to paint minorities as “predatory” since day fucking 1. This is Not New, but some of y’all younger generations don’t know your history and are repeating patterns we have seen before.

There is nothing inherently predatory or creepy or unnatural about experiencing sexual attraction. What matters is that you treat other people with basic dignity, and that you respect consent.

Thoughts in your head don’t hurt anyone. Feelings in your pants don’t hurt anyone. It’s your actions that matter.

It’s not inherently predatory or creepy or unnatural to express sexual attraction! This is an extremely common part of the human experience! Anything from flirting to fucking can be a safe and positive experience. You just have to gauge how appropriate and welcome your behavior will be beforehand. Make sure everyone is an adult who freely consents. When in doubt, you explicitly ask. If someone indicates that you should stop, you stop. Clear and honest communication is a key part of consent. This also holds true in nonsexual situations!

You with me so far? Okay.

It’s not inherently predatory or creepy or unnatural to express your gender. Everyone has a body, your body is your vehicle on this earth, you deserve to be as comfortable in your body as possible so that you can pilot it to Do Things. If a particular way of decorating your body makes you happy, or makes it easier for you to live your life, or just feels right, then it is good and healthy to do it.

Don’t decorate your body with hate speech, that’s an important rule. Hate speech causes actual harm. If your safety or the safety of others genuinely requires covering certain parts of your body, or wearing certain kinds of specialized gear, you should do so. If your safety or the safety of others genuinely requires temporarily removing or altering something that you normally wear, you should do so. A rule designed to address a genuine safety concern should have obvious practical reasoning behind it.

You have the right to make temporary or permanent changes to your body. If it’s a permanent change, it is good to make sure you are well-informed about options and outcomes, but others should trust that you know what is best for you and your body. After all, you’re the one who has to live in it. From hip replacement to tattoos to gender surgery to getting wisdom teeth out, it is normal and good if a person decides to improve their own quality of life by permanently altering their own body.

Are you still with me?

Within these guidelines, there are SO MANY ways you can express yourself! People can have all kinds of different clothing or body mods or makeup or assistive devices, and that’s really cool! It’s cool when different cultures develop different styles, it’s cool when individuals do completely independent self-expression, it’s cool when people just go for the minimal or practical and it’s cool when people get elaborate with it

but ultimately, the way a person chooses to decorate or alter their own body is their own personal business. And if they’re following reasonable guidelines for practical safety, it does not and cannot cause harm to anyone. It’s just their appearance. The body is the vehicle by which a person interacts with the world. It is a person’s *actions* and *choices* that matter.

YOU CANNOT JUDGE SOMEONE ELSE’S MORAL CHARACTER BASED ON THEIR APPEARANCE.

Our oppressors really, really want to pretend that you can. They invent elaborate justifications for how it totally counts this time, we swear, you can tell that *this* person is a Bad Person just by looking at them! It’s totally okay to label an entire group of people as Gross or Inferior or Predatory, just based on what they look like! Don’t judge people by their actions, judge them by the color of their skin, or how their nose is shaped, or if they choose to wear something that covers their hair!!

Don’t listen to what people tell you about their own genders, their own bodies, their own lived experiences… judge them by how much body hair they have, how thin they are, whether they “look” disabled. Tell them they don’t “count” if they don’t fit a certain narrow range of Acceptable Physical Appearances.

This is how our oppressors control us, by controlling what is Acceptable, by moving the goalposts whenever they like, by spinning a narrative about Us versus Them.

And there is an old, old tactic of saying that only certain forms of sexuality are Acceptable. Everything else is Predatory. You don’t have to ask the people involved if they’re all happy consenting participants… you can tell just by looking at them!!

If you treat other people with basic dignity, and respect consent, and check in with yourself and others to make sure you avoid causing harm, and try to learn and grow from accidents of miscommunication,

If your sexual expression falls within these guidelines, if your relationships fall within these guidelines,

you are NOT a predator.

Some of y’all are so afraid of predators, or of being labeled predatory, that you have been bamboozled into being afraid of even the *appearance* of possibly being *associated* with being predatory.

That’s how the oppressors get you, babes. You get caught in keeping up appearances, and they’re the ones telling you which appearances are Acceptable and which are Signs of the Predator.

If you genuinely want to be a sexless pastel princess holding hands in a field, if you’ve thought about it for yourself and you wholeheartedly choose that for yourself, good! Asexuality is a totally valid and healthy way to be. Pastel colors are pretty, and many people find joy in girly-girl flavors of gender expression.

But if you feel like you *have* to be a perfect pastel field princess because that’s the *only* option that isn’t tainted by evil scary associations, if you think that *looking* virginal and innocent will magically protect you from false accusations or oppression, if you are obsessed with indicating moral purity through appearance,

1.) you’re probably stifling yourself terribly

2.) you are just a step away from being manipulated into believing extremely harmful and incorrect things.

People who “look” innocent can do terrible things. (That’s actually a common tactic of a genuine predator.) People who “look” scary can do good deeds… or bad ones, or neutral ones, the point is that you cannot base your judgement on appearances!

THE ONLY ACCURATE WAY TO JUDGE SOMEONE’S MORAL CHARACTER IS TO EXAMINE THEIR ACTIONS AND CHOICES. And actually talk to them yourself, don’t just swallow what other people tell you!

Y’all we have to stop making eachother feel bad for having sexual attraction. Lesbians are allowed to be horny we don’t have to be sexless pastel princesses holding hands in a field or smth. Be horny, it’s frankly revolutionary to be a sweaty horny dyke.

[lavienbleuuu]

Objectification Disguised as Female Empowerment

Provocative images of women and their impact on society

I’m not one to complain about female empowerment normally. We’ve come a long way toward gender equality, thanks to the women who came before us and fiercely fought for it. We may not have arrived at our destination, but we can remain steadfast in our journey.

Female empowerment takes on many different forms, has different connotations, and varies among different cultures and religions.

For me, female empowerment primarily represents women having equal access to opportunities to make strategic life choices in a variety of ways. To someone from a different cultural background, it may mean something entirely different.

But there’s a trend, under the guise of empowerment, that I just can’t stand behind: the provocative, even semi-erotic, photos of women splashed across the internet, social media, television, and everywhere in between.

I’ve heard people say women should be free to embrace their sexuality — it’s empowering. In fact, certain cultures force women to hide their sexuality…or worse.

How is this image “empowering”? Is it because she makes the choice — rather than the patriarchal system — to pose provocatively? She can choose her audience? She is proud of her body and should feel free to show it off? I don’t buy any of it.

The image sends a clear message that it is not the person who matters. Her worth is based on her beauty, youth, and body. In short, her sexuality matters. A lot.

That’s sexual objectification. Plain and simple.

Studies support this premise. And the research shows that sexual objectification can be linked to mental health issues, including depression and disordered eating.

69% of females (ages 10 to 18) state that photographs of models and celebrities in the media motivated their “ideal” body shape..[and] [t]he rate at which teens are becoming aware of their body shape and size is getting younger and younger, and media plays a big part in this.

That’s scary.

For every “like,” a hyper-sexualized photo receives on social media, the more we feed the frenzy. The more provocative photos we voluntarily post of ourselves or others, the more we foster the problem.

Sure, there’s an allure to appearing in these images. These women have the right to express themselves and to decide how to present their bodies to the world. They have that autonomy.

But it’s also important that they recognize the broader context of the exercise of their choices. They are making them in a society that has historically limited women based on their physical appearance. How these women choose to portray themselves perpetuates unrealistic beauty standards for all women and girls, which contributes to societal problems.

With new social media platforms appearing constantly, in addition to the evolution of AI, the problem will likely get worse. Women have come so far. Why would we voluntarily take 3 steps back? Don’t we want more for ourselves, our girls, and our young women?

I want every girls to understand their worth based on who they are, not on what they look like. I don’t want them to doubt themselves, their abilities, or their competency because they don’t believe they measure up to societal expectations of what a woman should look like.

We can refuse to indulge the media that persistently barrages us with images of celebrities wearing hardly anything. We can refuse to scroll posts of women shown in scantily clad clothing. We don’t have to view them and we certainly don’t have to “like” or comment on them.

By withholding “likes” and engagement from hyper-sexualized posts, we can send a clear message that we value substance over superficiality. We create a narrative that reflects women’s accomplishments, skills, talents, and other unique qualities, rather than primarily their physical attributes.

We can also open the dialogue with our daughters, sons, partners, and friends about the difference between objectification and empowerment, as well as the impact of sexual objectification on women and girls.

We can break the cycle and rewrite the narrative. It’s well past the time.

[thechekhov]

Hi! I saw on a post that you're agender and I'm kinda questioning my gender (again) but what interested me more about that post was that you said you believe that gender is a social construct and I'm not really familiar with that theory. I was wondering if you could explain to me what the whole idea is? (bc I kinda only feel like a have a gender in social situations? In my head, my dreams and how I picture myself in the future, I'm genderless idjskahwksjejensj) Sorry for bothering you if I did.

This is a BIG topic and it opens a LOT of wormholes. 

We’re gonna do this in pie slice statements that will hopefully help explain what I mean. Please keep in mind I’m going to simplify many things for the sake of readability.

1) What is a social construct? 

Social constructs are ideas that are negotiated by social groups. Something being a social construct does not make it ‘not real’. 

For example, money is a social construct. Yes, we have cash - coins, credit cards - but these are physical props that are REPRESENTATIVE of the idea of currency. You have some form of credit to your name - the money is a socially agreed-upon idea of value being represented by bills in your hand, by numbers in your bank account. 

[Description: Two humanoid figures are standing side by side. The right-side figure is holding a rock in its hand. 

Right side figure: Let’s agree that this shiny rock is worth 2 sheep.

Left side figure: Sounds fake but ok.]

Technically, countries are also social constructs. We, as a society, negotiate what a country is, and this can be changed.

[Description: Two figures are standing on either side of a dotted line drawn on the ground. The left figure is pointing down at it while the right figure watches, its arms crossed.

Left figure: Let’s pretend that everything on this side of the imaginary line is mine.

Right figure: ...ok but my house is over there.

Left figure: ... for 3 shiny rocks you can come visit.]

Does that mean canada isn’t real? No. (I mean, obviously canada ISN’T real, but we all agree to pretend it is.) The thing that makes it real is that we are in agreement, and all follow the social rules of pretend to make it seem like the Canadian border, the idea of Canadian citizenship, etc... is an objective fact. (It’s not. These are in fact, negotiable limits and parameters. We have laws in place to define it in legal terms, but those laws can be changed, or may change in the minds of communities. That’s why it’s a construct.)

By that same token, I hold the view that gender, as we largely perceive it in modern society, is a construct. Why? Because it is not inherent; we, as a society, negotiate its meaning. 

2) What is gender? 

People will probably fight me on this and that’s fine, but here’s my (simplified) understanding of gender (from someone who personally has none)

Gender is a social category negotiated by cultures based on your assigned or desired role in your community that influences, among many other things, your physical appearance, your role in family units, your expected position in jobs, etc. 

How I think it happened:

[Description: Two figures are standing on either side of the panel, both holding children-looking figures. The one on the left is wearing purple. The one on the right is wearing green.

Green figure: Hey, I’ve got an idea. What if we separate the babies into two groups based on physical traits they have no control over?

Purple figure: Wh-- okay...?

Green figure: And then limit the jobs they can do and the community ritual involvement available to them based on that!

Purple figure: ... I feel like this is going to backfire on us someday.

Green figure: Nah, it’ll be fine.

The past panel is a dramatic closeup on the purple figure’s face - which is featureless - betraying a deeply doubtful emotion. It says nothing.]

Important points to remember: what gender looks like, what the limits are, what the expectations are... are not inherent to any human biology. We make up gender roles. This is evident in the fact that across the world, gender roles differ by culture. The positions people of a certain gender are allowed to take up are different. What is perceived to be ‘girly’ or ‘boyish’ is different across cultures. 

Simply speaking - currently the (western) model we have, dumbed down, is:

You are assigned male at birth because of physical characteristics

You are raised being told to ‘toughen up’ and ‘boys don’t cry’ and encouraged not to show emotions

You are taught to wear male-coded clothes and discouraged from female-coded fashion choices

You are given more opportunities to participate in sports, encouraged to engage in physical activity, etc

You are not expected to need time off for child-rearing 

Here’s where gender as it works in society breaks down into being not a real thing but instead something we thought up: 

Nothing about having a penis necessitates wearing pants. Nothing about having XY chromosomes means you need to keep your hair short. Nothing about your genome makes the experience of nail-polish different for any human being. 

All of these are arbitrary traits we decided were allowed or not allowed to a specific group of people based on entirely unrelated physiology. 

Even if we delve deeper, there is MORE variation among individuals of the same ‘sex’ than there are, on average, of members of the ‘opposite sex’ when compared to each other. 

Many people use the excuse ‘women are physically not as strong as men’ to say that this has an evolutionary aspect driving these cultural, historical, socially-constructed gender requirements. 

But if there was a physical reasoning behind the culturally-set gender-limited job expectations, then we actually WOULDN’T need a traditional binary gender system to sort ourselves into categories. It would simply be decided as a meritocracy - stronger individuals, regardless of gender, would be given physically-demanding jobs. (Also we know that many jobs thought to be ‘traditionally male’ are just the result of sexist bullshit, so this reasoning doesn’t fly any further than I can throw it which is, coincidentally, not very far. Politics is one such area. Doctors are another. We can go on but I think you get my drift.)

My own example of this is an anecdote when my grandparents came to visit my partner and I in Japan. While we were driving down to Tokyo, my grandmother - who has a PhD in entomology - began to say that driving is a masculine activity and women shouldn’t be driving as it was ‘un-woman-like’. My partner almost immediately fired back that in Japan, studying insects or having any interest in them whatsoever was considered a heavily masculine-coded activity. In Russia, there is no such assignment, and my grandmother was left silently blinking in confusion, unable to come up with any excuse except ‘well, all cultures are different, I suppose...’

Do either of these things inherently have a gendered aspect? Of course not! But we assign gendered ideals to them anyway.

3) If gender is made up and constructed by society, then does that mean trans people aren’t real?

No.

Even if you agree that gender is a social construct, trans people are still real. TERFs don’t get a pass. Why? 

Because gender - as a social construct - still affects our everyday lives, dictates our social position in our community. Transitioning is still a thing that has to happen. The fact that you are NOT easily able to decide your own gender and are ostracized for wanting to transition, abused for dressing the way you want to be perceived, and bullied for wanting people to refer to you with different pronouns - all those are the effects of a social construct that has very REAL impact on our lives.

This is also why I dislike defining trans-ness by dysphoria. Because transgender people are not only their suffering - the suffering is coming from the outside!! Many trans people remember not being concerned about their gender identity in their childhood, because they did not yet perceive the world as being hostile to their desire to fulfil a specific role in society. The issues and self-hatred and dysphoria begins when they express wanting to be themselves - a life which they are forbidden from pursuing based on physical characteristics they were born with.

Does this mean we should try to remove gender from society? If we constructed it, we can deconstruct it, right?

Realistically, I highly doubt this is possible. Gender is so ingrained in our daily lives that it would be difficult. Nor, I would say, would it be necessary to achieve world peace. 

Having social groups - having gender - isn’t inherently a bad thing. The bad thing is when we limit those social groups to specific basic human rights, like voting, or when we forbid them from transitioning from one to another based on things that are out of their control. 

Also, I’m not saying genitals and secondary sexual characteristics aren’t real. Please don’t bother sending me that angry message, I’ll ignore it, I promise. 

But the concept of gender IS something we thought up and maintain and negotiate with each other to this very day. It’s not granted to us by a higher power, nor is it a constant, unchanging thing. It’s a part of the human experience and like everything, it has the potential to evolve - as a concept in our communal memory, as well as on an individual level, for people who feel they want to be perceived differently. 

Thanks for coming to my TEDtalk!

[tenthgrove]

If that anon didn't come back for the La Squadra with a trans (ftm) s/o, could I request that :O? I loved the idea !!

La Squadra x FTM Reader

Romantic, SFW

CW: Gender Dysphoria

Formaggio- Your boyfriend is an uplifting and joyous presence in your life you couldn't do without. If you can look past the gender related puns, he's always there to make you laugh on a bad day. He helps you stand up for yourself in affirming your gender to other people, and is quick to notice and rectify things if you're ever doubting yourself. You always feel better after a long, wet kiss to your cheek.

Illuso- He's always ready to reassure you regarding your appearance and remind you of your self-worth. Even still, he knows to cover all the mirrors on your dysphoric days and let you snuggle up in the sheets with him until you feel better. You basically own one of his coats now because it's warm and snuggly and the puffiness conceals the shape of your torso (and it smells like him). Before you were together you really didn't think Illuso could be the sensitive sort, but fortunately, you were very wrong.

Prosciutto- Being ftm himself, Prosciutto is the perfect person to come for matters relating to your identity. He's gone through it all himself- learning to pass, hormone therapy, surgeries. If any of these are something you'd like to consider, he's happy to help you out. Prosciutto is in general a very supportive and validating presence, always knowing just what reassurance you need when you're having a bad day. He helps you a lot in taking care of yourself, whether it be just reminding yourself to take your hormones or encouraging you to eat when you don't feel like it.

Pesci- Your boyfriend is so very considerate about supporting you, always conscientious to avoid triggering topics and comments. He's eager to protect you from anyone who might reject your identity and will always check in on you when you seem down. He's very inquisitive about your transitioning steps (if you're planning any) and wants to know if there's anything he can do to support you in them. Overall, you couldn't ask for a more thoughtful supporter.

Melone- Fortunately, Melone is very knowledgeable on gender and transitioning, so you don't have to explain much outside of your personal goals and experiences. The pair of you have a lot of validating conversations about how you feel on your gender (and him about his, being genderfluid himself) which always leave you feeling more secure in your experiences. Being a bit of a fashionista, Melone is also excellent at helping you explore your expression, no matter how far or close that may be from the gender you identify with.

Ghiaccio- His first reaction to hearing that you're ftm is a casual 'okay.' But don't let yourself mistake this attitude for an unwillingness to protect and support you, especially once the two of you are a couple. You're very important to him as he hates the feeling of anything getting to you, including any dysphoria you might have. When things get really bad, he takes you out on a drive to clear your head. He can be surprisingly sweet when you need it.

Risotto- Gender is all a wiggly mess to him, so he'll accept whatever paradigm of your gender you give him and support you in it. He has a lot of contacts, so if you're interested, he can try and get you in touch with someone who will supply you hormone therapy while looking the other way regarding your affiliation with Passione. Risotto is an excellent listener, always happy to hear about your experiences and worries, and offer gentle reassurance when you need it.

Sorbet and Gelato- Since the couple treat you just like any other guy, it's easy to feel yourself around them. That said, they're also sensitive to your particular struggles when needed, and great at working together to cheer you up. Their clothing is also great for helping you pass, and they'll regularly offer to lend you things or take you out to buy more in a similar style. They can also hug you together in a way that's not dysphoric, which is certainly a plus.

[aro-comics]

Fashion Analysis (Part 4: How I Feel Now & More)

[Note: This post is a part of a series analyzing self-expression, fashion, aromanticism, and how they interact with other parts of identity. For full context please read the whole thing!]

How I Feel Now (About Fashion)

Er …. I guess it’s complicated. Obviously, I have mixed feelings on the factors that lead to this, as they are symptoms of a deeper problem of discrimination in society. Things are far from perfect, and it’s hard to feel 100% positive about these changes because of it. 

But, on the flip side, I don’t personally mind the changes I’ve made to my presentation. It hasn’t been upsetting for me at all, and I’ve only benefited from it in my personal life along with being able to learn and grow through researching fashion.

First, through familiarizing myself with how professional wear works, and later on fashion in general, I was able to unlearn some internalized misogyny instilled in a lot of people my age. Being able to better appreciate women, femininity, and all the things I never got to enjoy growing up is fun. Fashion history has been fascinating to learn about (shoutout to all the video essayists on Youtube), and just getting to research and understand things I once believed were “frivolous” has opened my eyes to a much bigger part of the world. There is so much to gain from understanding different fields and subcultures that exist. 

Second, I’ve been able to apply my learning to other aspects of design, and I think understanding more about fashion has helped me understand more about design in general. Not to be cliche, but a lot of things are interconnected, and knowledge from different creative fields can cross pollinate and provide new inspiration! I’ve found my work is becoming more creative and unique, and in particular it’s not only fun to design wardrobes for characters, but it also becomes a way to add to their overall design and communicate more about their interests and personality.  

Third, although I disagree with the sentiment that being feminine automatically makes one more confident, through learning more about makeup and self-care, I think I’ve been more conscious about taking care of myself (even if not from an appearance perspective). I’m the kind of person that needs to shower at LEAST once a day to feel comfortable, and overall putting more effort into self-care habits has improved my mental state as well. 

Finally, getting to enjoy self expression is another benefit! I think a big part of why I didn’t enjoy fashion as a kid was because of early 2000s trends which were popular when I was young (nothing against them, but a lot of them don’t suit my personal tastes). Since I’ve researched and now understand fashion is so much more than just what is necessarily popular in the mainstream at any given point in time, as an adult I’m having a lot of fun picking out outfits that match my personal tastes. I think it's really cool how by treating your body as a canvas, in a sense, you can be able to communicate a specific vibe, appearance, without even having to say a word. Really, it’s just like any other form of art. 

And on the note of self-expression, as we discuss the relevance of fashion to Aromanticism we should examine how Fashion relates to the LGBTQ+ Community. 

Fashion and its Importance to the LGBTQ+ Community as a Whole

Fashion has always been significant because of the capacity it grants for self-expression. Historically, this significance has been important within the LGBTQ+ community. As usual, I won’t go into too much detail, because this is not my area of expertise and I doubt that my surface level research would be an accurate or complete picture of this rich and complex piece of history, but - I think a very brief primer will help provide some context and ideas to reference as I move into the more speculative portion of this essay. 

We all know that there are certain fashion subcultures within the LGBTQ+ community, which have both historical roots and served specific purposes. Early on (referencing the times circa the 1700s in Europe here), fashion has been a form of self-identification and communication. As source 11 details, gay men, have had historical tie ins with cross-dressing or effeminate methods of dress to signal to other members of the community. 

And as I mentioned before: Masculinity is historically associated with being Sapphic. As an example, a recent post from @dressingdykes on Instagram (full article at source 13 at the end of this document) describes how “lesbian feminist clothing was worn with an ideal of androgyny in mind.” Emphasis was put on using fashion to undermine restrictive gender norms used to control women - by choosing to dress in an androgynous way, it would “eliminate differences between men and women, where men hold a socially superior position. 

Though no one group or fashion subculture can speak for all members of the group (and the article acknowledges this subculture was far from adopted by all Lesbians), examples like these do highlight the ways an LGBTQ+ identity within a patriarchal and heteronormative society can have influence on the self-expression. 

[Note from Author: For Part 5, click here!]

[fandomout]

Dean Winchester Imagine/Preference - After he left you stranded Part 2

Part 1 Dean Winchester Imagine/Preference- He leaves you stranded (Gender Neutral Reader)  

I don’t own this gif, but all I know is it’s from tenor.

This takes place a around season 5 and 6 just for reference as to some things said and Castiel makes appearance. Angst/Fluff.

“You fucking asshole! You fucking suck!” Although you felt a little better, you looked like a crazy person to the people passing. You covered your shoulders in hopes to lessen the bumps that textured your skin. You were lost in your thoughts when you collided into a body. You looked up to see, but you were barely able to make out their face. Tears were blurring your vision. You wiped one of your eyes, which gave you enough visibility to make out Castiel. You didn’t even bother wiping the tears and simply asked him, “What are you doing here? Did something happen? Are you okay?”

“What I am doing here is that I heard your cries of distress. Also, I was wondering who you were referring to.”

“Don’t worry, I wasn't talking to god, or you, or some angel...just the world...Me and Dean got in a fight.”

“I did see a glance of that interaction, my apologies.”

”You didn’t mean to...Wait, you came because I was crying?”

”Yes. I was wondering what trouble there could be that would make you cry. Through most of our encounters, you’ve seemed very level headed and calm, so it had to be of importance...Well, I assumed.”

“Sorry to disappoint. It’s just relationship drama.”

“Disappointment doesn’t correlate to me and your situation. It wouldn't make sense.”

“I don’t mean it literally.”

“Ah.”

“I’m sorry. You came for nothing.”

“He left you here. Why?”

“Cleary, he doesn't care...enough...if at all.”

“But, you are in a relationship. Are you not? Why would he leave you here if he cared?”

“Hell if I know.”

“Anyway, it is not for nothing that I came. I can provide comfort.”

“I really don’t need it. There’s nothing you could say.”

“But, you need it.”

“There are more important things...you probably need to get back to your war, right?” He replied with a heavy sigh and the words, “I could use the break.”

“Let’s talk about you. It would make me feel better if you felt a little better.”

“How can I feel better?”

“Just tell me how you feel about the war. How’s the war going? I’m sure that’s a stupid question, but I thought it was better than not asking anything. I know we don’t pay enough attention to you on the personal level...I’m sorry we haven’t been able to help you. I’m sorry you have to kill your brothers and sisters…”

“Thank you...You are the only one whose expressed concern to me…It’s simply terrible at all times.” You put a hand on his shoulder and keep walking. ”So, where are you going?”

“I don’t know.”

“I can take you back to where you were residing.” Castiel reaches forward to take your shoulder, but you move back from him before he gets the chance. He furrows his brows and tilts his head at you. A look of pure innocent confusion.

“No. I will tough it out. If he’s just gonna leave me here, I’m gonna make my own way. I refuse to be helped.” 

“Why?”

“For some dignity or pride with a hint of stupidity because it's cold and gonna be a long walk.” 

“I could take you to the motel, and you could call it your way. You are exercising your resource, i.e me.”

“No, Cas. I don’t want to take the easy route. He thinks he can control me and make me feel worse? Nope! I’m gonna get there on my own, and he can't say anything. He doesn't deserve the satisfaction. I walk for me and me only.”

“I do not understand. I do not understand your desire to take the difficult path.”

“Sometimes it’s...it’s worth it. The hard way has its moments. Plus, Cas, you shouldn't have to take me.”

“I want to.” A blast of light strikes before it starts pouring rain. You continue on your pace, unwavering. 

“Has your plan changed?!” Castiel yelled over how loud the rain was.

“Nope! Well-I think I’m just gonna walk all the way to the motel we were at! Get my things and get out of there!”

“That’s a bad plan!”

“Best one I’ve got! I only have $20 on me, and I left my stuff in Dean’s car!”

“You’re going to get sick!” He says, but it gets muffled by the sound of thunder. 

“What?!”

“I said you’ll get sick!”

“So be it! I’ll live!” 

“I should head back!” He looked regrettable because he doesn’t want to go. You give him the best smile you can muster and give him a hug along with the words, “Thank you for being here for me although unintentional!”

“I express my appreciation to you asking about me. Hope you have safe travels; however, unlikely I think it is right now!” You laugh a bit at his words. You weren't sure how to respond, but it didn't matter. You never got the chance to as he flew away. You feel a bit better having talked to Castiel. You're thankful for the rain sympathizing with you, and you think you’ve stopped crying. Determined, you walk all night until you get to the motel at about 6:30 am. You were lucky enough to find someone to check you in. With a very hoarse voice, you say, “Can I get the room key for 321 B? I lost mine.”

“I can't just let you in, lady.” He says firmly.

“You saw me come in with those two big guys.”

“Oh. Yeah.” You leave your hand out ready, but he continues to say, “Still...I can't just give it to you.” You reach forward frustrated and grab him by the collar. You take out the $20 from your pocket. 

“Listen, bud-You either take my $20 and give me the key, or I take the key, forcefully. Your choice.” He reaches for it desperately and hands it to you. You open the door, and you see both Sam and Dean still asleep. You quietly get your things, and you head back to the clerk. He moves to the wall, scared. You put money on the table. 

“Give me a room for one.” He taps uneasily, but does as you say quickly. 

“Thank you.” You go to your new room. Immediately, you head for the water and chug it down earnestly. You sneeze three times in a row and wipe your nose. You change your clothes into warmer attire, which ends in pj’s. You get over to the bed and cover yourself in the blankets. You feel some kind of warmth reach your body, but you can't help still feeling cold. You grab tissue next to yours and have to keep blowing mucus out of your body. 

“Gret.” You said nasally. “I’m fucking sick.” You shrug and close your eyes as your weak and tired body won’t allow anything else to happen.

No One’s POV

Dean wakes up to being shaken harshly. He pulls out his gun from under the pillow and says, “What?” His eyes meet Sam’s, and Sam asks, “Where’s Y/N?” Dean puts his gun down; After sitting up, he tries to respond before he cuts himself off and remembers everything from last night. “They’re somewhere...”, He says pursing his lips and starts putting his clothes back on. 

“Somewhere?”

“Yeah.” He says and puts on his boots.

“What happened?”

“Why are you asking?”

“Clearly, something happened because you won’t give me a straight answer. Where are they?”

“I don’t know.”

“What?!”

“We got in a fight...”

“And?!”

“And I...left them.” He said softly that Sam couldn’t hear.

“What?”

“I left them at the bar.” He said firmly.

“You’re such a dick! Fucking asshole! They're not here! Something could have happened to them!”

“I know! I know…” Dean stood up and looked around the room. His eyes landed on the couch where their bag should be. His mouth became very dry, and his heart panged. “Oh god…” He whispered. 

“What?” Sam asked as he looked in Dean’s direction. As Sam came to the same relaxation, he clenched his jaw, and said, “You really fucking suck!” Dean just walked over to his keys on the counter and headed out the door. Sam hurriedly got his jacket and followed after. “Where the hell are you going?”

“The bar.”

“I doubt they're there.”

“What makes you say that?”

“It’s not like they can stay there all night. It was raining last night too. They can't just sit outside the bar like they’re living there.”

“You don’t know. They could've stayed put.”

“They didn’t get fucking lost! And they’re not some child! You left them there! Left your s/o there!” Dean can only clench his jaw and start the car. As they arrive at the bar, they ask anyone around, but no one knows where they’d gone. Dean got back into Baby and he jerked the steering wheel angrily. “Dammit!...” He let out a breath. “Where would they go?”

“Somewhere to sleep?” Sam tells him with a shrug.

“How’s that work?”

“What do you mean?” Dean gestures to the back where their jacket was. Sam picks it up and looks inside of it to see their phones and wallet. “Great! Just great Dean! You left them without anything! There is no way of finding them.”

“Sam, can you shut the hell up?! I know I messed up! I know I'm the fucking asshole that left his s/o stranded in the rain! I’m fucking selfish!-” He stopped for a moment and his eyes became teary. He looked out the window for Sam not to see him, and in a weak voice said, “Something could have happened...” Dean held the steering wheel until is knuckles turned white. Sam looked at him sympathetically and said, “I’m glad you know. Look, Let’s head back to the motel.”

“What?! We can't just-”

“If you were upset enough to leave them, I know they're more upset. They didn’t try to contact me or anyone, so chances are they figured it out...I mean if nothing happened...They’ll probably be stubborn enough to get back on their own. The bar is far from the motel on foot, but they probably walked, D.” As Sam and Dean pull into the motel, Dean paces around in nervousness. Having done so for about 2 minutes, his eyes end up landing on the small frame of someone by the vending machine. He looked down to their shoes to see the wrecked combat boots he’d been seeing for the longest. He basically jogged up. Sam followed slowly in confusion. Dean’s eyes met their face, and he fully ran over to them. He scooped them in his arms. His arms wrapped over their waist. 

Your POV

Dean let out a shaky breath and smiled. With teary eyes, he reached to cup your face. You moved away from his touch and took yourself out of his embrace. 

“Y/N-”

“Sam, how are you this morning?!” You asked. You were not going to just let him off the hook. While he looked worried, you remembered how unimportant you seemed last night, so you ignored him. In your peripherals, you could see Dean licked his lips nervously. 

“Better. Now, that you're no longer missing. We-” Sam replied and was cut off by Dean saying, “Where the hell were you?!” You ignored his worry and responded, “Sam, you didn’t have to worry. I just got another room for myself this time around.”

“We went everywhere looking for you. Glad you're safe.”

“Than-Achoo!” You put your nose on your sleeve. Dean reached over in calmer composure to grab your arm and tell you, “Come on, red nose, we’ll get you better.” You pulled away from him. You looked toward Sam and said, “I’m gonna get myself something warm and sleep a bit more. I had a loooong night.” You couldn’t help being a little shit since you felt it was owed to you for the shitty night you had before. You padded Sam’s shoulder and told him, “I’m gonna head back to my room see you later.” before you left towards your room. With a heavy heart and footsteps, you were in the need to feel some kind of better since being sick didn’t help.  When you got into your room, you went into the bathroom to take a look in the mirror. “Oh. I do look terrible.” You turned on the showerhead and walked back into the main space only to see Dean. You gave him one more second until you averted your eyes and resumed ignorance of his existence. You were getting clothes when you heard the shower turn off. You rolled your eyes and were making your way back to the bathroom when Dean blocked your path. You sighed heavily and threw you clothes on the couch. You walked back over to your bed, curled into the blanket and tried to get back to sleep. You felt his eyes on you, but you refused to look at him. You felt the bed starting to dip, and you couldn’t help state, “Don’t.”

“We’ve got to talk…” He said delicately. You sat up and looked at him as he shifted nervously in a way that made you just want to go hug him. Instead, you stayed put and found the words, “Talk.” slipping past your lips.

Part 3  Dean Winchester Imagine/Preference - Making up after he left you stranded (Gender Neutral Reader) Part 3

Hope your day got better

[aspectedstar]

[Info updated as of Patch 5.55]

Name: Listelle Viyrel

Unsundered Name: Ephine

Gender: Female

Age: 21 in ARR, 26 in EW

Race: Raen Au Ra

Relationship: Official with an untempered Elidibus, but still lowkey that not a lot of people know of their status.

Family: Biological family is unknown. Her adoptive Miqo'te parents she keeps in contact with. The Scions of the Seventh Dawn and Elidibus are her main sources of 'support' these days.

Orientation: Bisexual / Demisexual

Nameday: 16th Sun of the 4th Umbral Moon [August 16th]

Abilities/Talents: Archery, Botany, Cooking, Able to speak multiple languages [thanks Echo], Healing, Reading.

Job: Former conjurer turned White Mage; Archer/Bard; Adventurer; A Scion of the Seventh Dawn; Botanist whenever help is needed.

Appearance description: A pale-skinned Raen Au Ra that stands at 4 fulms and 9 ilms. Listelle has dark blue, shoulder-length hair with bangs that naturally curls at the ends. Black highlights are added into the mix and always reapplied whenever they start to fade. Sometimes, puts up her hair in high side-ponytail that has a braid embedded around the back of her head. Has side bangs that hang from her face with this hairstyle as well. She has heterochromia eyes with her left being a pale blue, while her right is a bright purple. Listelle is slightly muscular, but also petite. Her body has vanilla scales peppering her body here and there. Mostly can be seen on her face; Her horns a slightly curled, but go backwards only a bit from her face. The tail she has a few spikes here and there, but it's thin. Mostly spiking at the end of it. Usually wearing a pair of reading glasses, because her eyesight isn't 100%.

Unique features (scars, tattoos, etc.): Multiple scars across her body from battles over the years. The biggest one was from the first meeting with Zenos, where he ended up nailing her in the abdomen badly. The scar is a jagged line in sideways line that covers a good portion of her middle to lower back. Listelle is very self-conscious about this particular one; Doesn't like wearing gear that shows off that part of her body.

Personal Beliefs (religious or otherwise): Fully believed in the Mothercrystal and the Twelve, but has changed since the events of SB into ShB. Mostly because of what Elidibus and Emet-Selch had told her. Still believes in a sense of one's wrongdoing will bite them in the ass later in life.

Residence: Medium house plot on the beach in Shirogane, Hingashi. Amaurot on the First.

Birthplace: Somewhere in the Black Shroud.

Dreams: When the world is done being saved, which is almost never; Wanting to have a peaceful life with Elidibus as much as possible; Hoping that one day more White Mages can be sanctioned by the Padaji; Maybe one day have children, but that's not as important.

Fears: Dying when the world needs her the most; Seeing close friends and family die in front of her again and again; Injured to the point she can't fulfill her duties as Warrior of Light; Losing any of her senses.

Introverted / Extroverted / Ambiverted (bold what applies)

How do they handle stress?: When in front of people, she tries her best not to show she's bothered. There are ways for others to know she's about to hit her limit. Listelle is known to pace around a room, fidget with her hands, and get teary-eyed, but the latter is hard to see. Only ways she can combat it is behind closed doors, or out in the wilderness when no one is around. Going out into nature to find plants or hit trees with her axe is one way. Another way is to basically beat her frustrations out in cooking or baking foodstuffs. Resting under trees when only one can hear naturalistic sounds.

What’s the state of their living quarters? (messy, clean, etc.): That depends. Usually, it's a disorganized mess. Much to Elidibus's dismay, she can usually find things easier than him. If he ever tried to clean her home, she'd yell at him on not being able to find anything. It's not completely trashed, but enough to know someone lives here. As the Warrior of Light, she doesn't get enough time to do homely chores. So, it's mostly left go for weeks at a time.

How do they handle meeting new people?: Listelle usually is kind and friendly to people she meets. Though, it depends overall on the new person (or group)'s attitude, body language, voice tone, and facial expressions. If they come off rude and negative, she is more reluctant to be as nice back. However, since she is not the diplomatic person, she usually leaves all the table-talking to her fellow Scions. Will chime in with a few words, if asked. It all depends on the situation and people involved.

When facing certain doom, what’s their outlook?: It's...questionable. Try to keep a stoic facade, but inside she would be screaming. Or, she'd probably look at like this: Why not going out with a huge bang of glory, and take her foe(s) with her? As a healer, she understands death, but is afraid to die at the wrong time. Regardless, she will tackle it the best she can.

What do they do to relax?: Reading any books she has in her shelves. Have Elidibus tell her stories of the world before it was Sundered. Cooking and baking when she has the time. Gardening, when she has time, yet again. Sitting under trees listening to nature. Go to the beach when no one is around. Stargazing with Elidibus at night.

What’s their favorite outfit?: Her 'civilian' clothes with the Azem constellation crystal as a necklace pictured blow.

Traumas: It's been several over the last few years of becoming the Warrior of Light. From being a healer, she has had a hard time accepting she can't save everyone. The loss of Haurchefant hit her physically hard. He saw Listelle as herself, not just the 'hero' or a weapon to be used by the city-states. Still goes to visit his grave in Coerthas when she can. Seeing the turmoil Garlemald had done to Ala Mhigo and Doma's regions. Zenos yae Galvus, because he reminds her of herself at certain times. How they can relate, as much as the Raen wishes not to admit it. The entire events of Shadowbringers with fighting for another world to holding in the light corruption. Her aether is still a mess, even after Ardbert had joined his soul with hers. Ending Emet-Selch's life, even when she understood his plight and ideals. Having to fight and kill Elidibus; The ONE PERSON that understood and had true affection for her. Yet, he was tempered by Zodiark, so they were forced into battle. It still haunts her to this day that she may lose Elidibus forever.

About them as of current story patch: As of Patch 5.5, Listelle is struggling on what to make of seeing that being surrounded in light. Being told the Final Days is coming--which is no doubt with Fandaniel and Zenos--and the entire world is on her shoulders. This is stressing her out to no end, even with Elidibus trying to keep her calm. He is her main anchor to keep her grounded currently. With the possibility of going to Sharlayan, she is not happy. Possibly having to keep the untempered Ascian unseen, depending. For now, she is stressed and pacing about what to do.

History: Listelle was found outside the doors of a Miqo'te couple living in the Black Shroud. Only a single note saying: "I cannot care for her; I'm possibly dead by the time you read this. Her name is Listelle; Please raise her well". The baby was an Au Ra Raen female, but they had no idea if there was such a family nearby. Living mostly in an isolated area, they didn't get many visitors. Just some adventurers, botanists, conjurers, or miners that came through the area. Despite this, they willingly took the baby in. They had issues trying to concieve their own child, so Listelle would fill the void. The void of trying to have a child, which they had now.

The Raen would come to know her parents as Sizha Vebei, her mother, and Rehzih'li Vebei, her father. They lived in a small cabin in the Southern part of the Shroud. Away from settlements like Camp Tranquil and Quarrymill, they kept to themselves for the most part. They raised their adoptive child as good as any adoptive parents could. With the times that Rehzih'li would go to Gridania for work and supplies, he would ask around about Listelle's family. He usually came up empty handed as per usual. This went on for years, until the Seventh Umbral Calamity hit Eorzea.

Listelle was 16 summers old when Bahamut broke free of Dalamud to reign terror from the heavens. The Black Shroud went up in flames in several areas. Thankfully, herself and her parents survived, but lost their home to the flames. The family was devastated, but then they decided to move on to a battered up Gridania as other refugees. They would have to make a new life within the city-state.

To the five years leading up to ARR, Listelle practiced conjury within the Stillglade Fane. Her parents had taken up other odd jobs to support themselves and their daughter, so Listelle had decided to do the same. With people becoming adventurers, the Raen decided to do the same. With her aetherpool higher than most, she fit right in with the Conjurers' Guild. Even with weird looks, the Au Ra flourished under their guidance and care. She would learn how to properly harness healing magics, as well as learn to borrow from the very Elementals of the Twelveswood.

Eventually, Listelle would become more involved with restoration efforts to help Gridania. Only her efforts would soon become widespread. Widespread enough for a certain organization to recruit her to their cause..

Feelings towards others: (add or remove as relevant)

- Elidibus – Her official partner, who she had a rocky relationship for years. However, it changed much after his defeat by her hand on top of the Crystal Tower in the First. She loves the Ascian dearly and would do anything for him. He had been there as well for her during some stressful times, despite him being under Zodiark's influence. They confide in each other constantly, and is a major support pillar for Listelle.

- Emet-Selch [Hades] – Despite their brief interactions, Listelle came to understand more about the Ascians. Even if it was a hard pill to swallow, the brief details Elidibus mentioned to her started to make sense. Like pieces to the puzzle was finally coming together. She would indulge and ask him a lot of the Ascians' history, the Old World, and the like. As much as her comrades didn't like their Warrior of Light conversating with their worst enemy, she ignored them...sometimes. She was upset to end his life when they couldn't come to some sort of understanding. She still has sobbing fits over Hades' demises, because of the fact of the Azem constellation crystal she has. It was even hinted that he knew of something going on between her and the Emissary at the time. Listelle always denied it, but there was a twinkle in those golden eyes that he knew of something.

- Feo Ul - As much as Listelle appreciates them, she can't deal with their sudden mood swings. The Fae being the Fae, she can't understand the times she gets yelled at for not summoning them. Being called cruel and heartless by Feo Ul made her uneasy around the pixie. Just over the course of the Shadowbringers, she saw the good in the King of Faeries. They became the next Titania, yet, they still treated Listelle as their most precious mortal. After all, they WERE connected by a pact! Feo Ul was another pillar during her struggle to contain the light corruption within her. The constant affection and support helped keep the heroine to move forward.

- Alphinaud – Meeting him the first time made her want to rethink her choices. However, with his constant presence helping her with 'official talks', she has been grateful for him. He has come a long way and has grown. Listelle hates meetings, and groans anytime Alphinaud tells her she has to go. Because she is the hero, she has to go, despite her wild protests.

- Alisaie – It took a bit for them to grow on one another. Alisaie understands when Listelle has her moments. Moments she wants to hide, but also treats the Raen like an actual person. Not just the hero, not just the Warrior of Light. Listelle finds herself getting teased when Alisaie fawns over her, depending if she's down or upset about something. Mostly by Y'shtola though.

- Y'shtola – Their relationship is...weird at best. Y'shtola and herself have their moments when they get into arguments. However, she knows the Miqo'te woman wants the best for her. During the events of Shadowbringers, she was worried over Listelle's state of taking in the Lightwardens' corrupted aether. Y'shtola and Ryne were there for her as they journeyed to Emet-Selch's domain. Full of Light, the heroine had a hard time doing basic tasks at times. Due to this, Listelle appreciates her. Just doesn't like when she teases her about Alisaie and G'raha's constant admiration of her.

- Thancred – Saw him as a flirtatious man who she didn't want to deal with at all. He even made comments about her 'beauty' on several occasions to get under her skin. However, as the years went by, she began to learn he was a lot more. Mostly learned this during her time on the First with the others and Ryne. Just the interactions between him and Ryne made her heart ache for them both. Including when they had to go back to the Source.

- Urianger – This Elezen made her want to rip her hair out most of the time. Just the way he spoke, his mannerisms made her so confused. Had to get the other Scions to repeat what he said to her many, many times. Still not fond of his secrecy behind her back on the few times. However, she does understand it's a necessary evil, yet she hasn't completely forgiven him yet. Though, she does appreciate any vital information he can provide her.

- Tataru - Oh sweet Tataru...Listelle loves the receptionist to death. Another person who treats her like she's a normal person. However, how she manages to get things done makes Listelle double think herself. Like the time the Lalafell wanted her precise measurements to get her outfits made. Just the way Tataru brings up results is quite...scary. The heroine watches herself whenever she's around the Lalafell woman.

- Minfilia - The first person to understand she had the power of the Echo. All those years of not understanding random visions she had when she was a child. She learned more from Minfilia over the course of the years. Only to be upset when she disappeared, then find out she was connected to Hydaelyn. She looked up the Hyur and she still misses her from time to time.

- Papalymo - The duo of 'Yda' and Papalymo made her giggle at times. There were times she didn't quite understand the relationship between the two. She got along with the Lalafell fine. That is, until he sacrificed himself to contain the newly born primal at Baelsar's Wall. She wanted to stay behind and help him, but alas, was forced to flee with the others. She still thinks about him from time to time, hoping he's watching over them from afar.

- Lyse - Wasn't sure how to feel about her until after the whole incident at Baelsar's Wall. She had come to understand Lyse as someone who wanted to fight for her homeland. As they journeyed over Gyr Abania and Othard, she had come to see the woman in a new light. With how she handles matters in Ala Mhigo with Raubhan at her side, she hopes the city-state flourishes under their care.

- Gaius – Rivalry since taking on the Ultima Weapon. However, with tackling the Weapon Project, she put aside her dislike for him. In order to stop these machines of death, she would work alongside him. Listelle began to see him in a new light as the Weapons consumed most of the orphans he saved back then. With only Allie left and the Weapons done with, she hopes Gaius can find some sort of peace.

- Nero – Despite him working at the Garlond Ironworks now, she still finds him quite annoying. Though, she has to admit he has helped her on several occasions when Cid couldn't. So, she'd tolerate the man at best.

- Cid – Thankfully to the Garlean many times over. With his few interventions to save her from certain doom, to helping her take down Omega. The accomplishments and shit they've seen and done is enough for a novel or two....or several. She gets along with him fairly well.

- Haurchefant – The Elezen man from House Fortemps and Camp Dragonhead. It was no wonder the silver-haired male admired her from the start. Even wanting to rush in to stop her from taking on Shiva. Never do anything reckless again! He had said to her, which she had meekly agreed to. When fleeing from the bloody Ul'dah banquet, he was a pillar of strength during that time. With most of the Scions gone, she blamed herself for their loss. Alas, Haurchefant wouldn't have none of it. Always cheering her up with hot chocolate and word of encouragement. However, when he died in her arms saving her from a pillar of light...Listelle was devastated. She was depressed for a long time, and still is when she thinks about it. Still blames herself for his death, even if he wanted her to smile. "A smile better suits a hero"; A statement she won't forget easily.

- Aymeric – The first meeting with him..she wasn't impressed. She had heard Ishgardians were uptight and unwelcoming. As much as he sounded polite, she didn't trust him off the bat. However, as time went on, she began to realize he was much more than. Even inviting her to a dinner after Nidhogg's defeat, which she enjoyed. Just his question about what she wanted for herself? She knew not the answer to that at the time. Regardless, the Raen goes to visit him when she can.

- Estinien – This dragoon is so stiff was Listelle's first thought. She didn't exactly like him off the bat. However, the journey across Dravania opened him up to her. She did try her best to understand him, but it was hard. As the years went by, she had come to know he had paid respects to Yysale, which she appreciates. Even the time when she collapsed in the Ghimlyt Dark, trying to persuade Zenos/Elidibus to stop this madness. Estinien had rescued her, which opened her up to that he was more good than she thought. Now with him joining the Scions, more opportunities to know him better have opened.

- G’raha – Annoying scholar to deal with when looking for the damn aethersand. Made it a game, then she promptly yelled at him for making her run around more than she had to. Investigating the Crystal Tower together, she did appreciate his work. When he locked himself away in the tower, she was a bit sad to see him go. Listelle did understand why he had to do it though. During the events of Shadowbringers, she had her suspicions on who the Crystal Exarch was. She couldn't completely confirm who it was, until she was being consumed by Light Corruption. Despite all this, she scolded him greatly after winning the fight against Emet-Selch. She knew he had a deep admiration for her, but only saw him as a friend. Regardless, their friendship is still healthy and blossoming.

- Other Warrior of Lights - Appreciates their hard work and resilience to keep the fight going. No matter what, as long as there is a light, they can still prevail.

[Character sheet made by @lizzy-dotharl. Template taken from @earthlystar.]

[mara-dine]

On P5R ending (true end) song v.2 - translation and analysis

part one was here - I’m only feeling things here but still xD 

 Okay so first of all, the following translation of the song lyrics is made by me so if you somehow want to copy paste them somewhere, please link the source, thank you <3 The original japanese and translated lyrics you can find at the very end of this post.

My point here is to prove that the lyrics are Akiren’s feelings towards what happens with Akechi so the post is going to contain some Persona 5 Royal spoilers. It gets a bit shippy.

And now let’s get this party (of feels) started. 

--------------------------------------------------------------

I need to say this - I had a second of doubt there, because I thought those lyrics could as well suit Yoshizawa sisters, if one wanted to dig that way. It doesn’t though, because the subject/narrator is using the 僕 (boku) pronoun, which is reserved for males. If the lyrics were meant to be gender neutral or so, the more neutral 私 (watashi) would be used. That’s why I’m 100% sure it’s from Akiren’s perspective, and I will only give you more proof ;)

Let’s start-start.

-------------------------------------------------------------

Our light

That night I realized my dream was (just) a dream, I close my eyes fixated on you. The warmth, hands one on another, the voice, if I wake up it will all disappear into a dream.

The whole thing is kept within the dream-reality contrast. The night here is, I think, more metaphorical than anything, since it’s deepening the symbolism and refers to the association of night and dreaming. 

It doesn’t have to, though, since at the very beginning of the new arc, Akiren ‘wakes up’ in the school, wearing his inmate clothes, thinking something is wrong and that he needs to go back. He follows the butterfly which we know is supposed to be the form Lavenza takes in the places she can’t fully materialize in.

I think it isn’t such a literal reference though. I’d say it refers to Akiren noticing the weird things happening around him, realizing they weren’t like this before and they should be impossible. Then we jump straight into gay the moment Akechi walks into Leblanc. Akiren can’t help but be surprised, he stares at the detective, who is supposed to be held at the police station or wherever his interrogations are being held at the time. He closes his eyes, as if to hold the image of Akechi being there in his mind for longer. 

I think the next line is pretty obvious and really surprising, if we agree on my little theory, because it straight up tells us about Akiren’s feelings. Akechi, who was supposed to be dead in the first place, comes back into his life for the second time this... week I think. Akechi, who Akiren has a really strong bond of rivalry and at the same time deep mutual understanding with. He wishes for Akechi to continue being a part of his life, as he gives him the kind of stimulation no one else does. Akechi is very, very special to him. You can basically say, he is Akiren’s dream.

Even if we can’t ever meet again, even if the time we spent together transforms into pain, Please guide me with that pain, towards the night sky full of stars that illuminate me.

Now we are thrown into the hole of pain and suffering. We got to know that Akechi’s miraculous return is Maruki’s doing. Akechi is Akiren’s justice arcana, not only because he always speaks of justice and sticks to his own. He is a sort of counterweight and at the same moral compass to Akiren, they complement each other in many ways. Interacting, sharing thoughts, getting to know each other, it all leads both of them to build up even more resolve to stick to their own justice. So, even if Akiren decides to reject Maruki’s offer, not folding, not running away, following through with his own justice and his own truth, even if it means he is going to lose Akechi again, and the memories of the time they spent together will transform into pain, even then, Akechi will still continue to be his guiding light. He will always remember him, he sort of wishes for Akechi too look over him from... well, I guess, the afterlife. He will always live in Akiren’s heart as pain and regret of not being able to be together more, not being able to save him, but also as everything he was to him while still alive.

I was able to meet you in that sweet, sweet fairytale kingdom in distorted world. You quietly closed the mouth that said “even if it’s false happiness, it’s okay”.

This line is a bit more complicated than it looks like in English (actually, the whole song is like this, but if I started to explain all the hidden meanings and my translation choices it would take too much). I need to say here though, in the original it’s 甘い甘い (amai amai) which can actually mean two things. It’s used both as sweet and naive. I chose to use sweet here twice, but I think in japanese it’s supposed to be a bit ambiguous, as naivety is something Akechi often accuses Akiren (and other people) of, even if not directly (ex. there is this line of his where he says Akiren coming just to see him is ‘brainless sentimentality’). 

The fairytale kingdom is of course a way to refer to Maruki’s perfect world where all dreams come true, it’s one way to see it. The other is distorted world, and it’s ultimately how the people who are aware of it’s falsehood view it. This way of putting the contrasting views together shows the dilemma Akiren stands before. He needs to confront it and make a choice, which in any outcome will result in gaining one thing and losing another.

Then, a really important line, one of a few that adress someone (Akechi) as ‘you’. In japanese it’s expressed through the verb that can mean close (something) up as well as shut (someone) up which I think is amazing in a way, since the Black Mask Akechi would rather shut up this mouth full of lies. There is an omanotopeic adjective there though, which indicates he did it quietly, gently. At first I thought it’s literal. That it’s about Akechi shutting up Maruki, so his words won’t affect Akira, since the thing there is basically a quote, it’s also gramatically written that way in the lyrics. But the quietly/gently thing kept bothering me, and I think in the end it’s like this: Akiren, in his heart, was tempted to agree to Maruki’s deal, to his perfect world. But Akechi, holding on to his own beliefs and resolve, made Akiren realize he can’t disrespect his wishes by being selfish. Akechi kept fiercely rejecting Maruki’s world, not wanting to be controlled by someone ever again, set on forging his own path, his own truth. Akiren couldn’t go against it. 

It’s, I think, one of the reasons why this song plays only when you get the True End. It’s because you do things following Akechi’s wish, inspired by him to fight for the truth and the real.

When there comes a day when memories start, you will be gone, it’s the path you chose yourself, Even if walking it is always heartrending, towards the stars of tomorrow that I’m aiming for.

I think this part was the hardest of them all to translate, it’s again pretty ambiguous, not only because of the used words though, but the different ways you can chop the sentence at. You can translate it both as “it’s the part you chose yourself” or “the part one choses for themselves” and following this you can also chose to translate it in first person view as “the path I chose for myself”. I think all of them are pretty cool but I chose to follow the logic of the consequence, since it appears after yet another ‘you’ I decided to go with that. It also goes well with the thing about Akechi choosing his fate himself. He chose to reject Maruki’s world even if it meant he will disappear again, he strongly believed it’s better to die than live in a reality forged and controlled by someone else. He made that choice, like he made every other choice in his life before, aware of the consequences, even if they were painful to the point anyone else may have broken down. He doesn’t have any regrets, even if it’s hard and kills him in the end, because it’s the path of his own choosing. 

‘The day when memories start’ it’s a pretty literal translation, but I’m fairly sure it’s about the fact that the time everyone spent in Maruki’s ideal world will be overwritten once again to how it should have gone if not for the distortion. So the day when the Phantom Thieves steal his treasure and defeat him is going to be the day when everything goes back to normal and the memories start being the true ones again, not falsified, and the false ones erased.

The stars of tommorow, the future, the goal both Akiren and Akechi are aiming for, even if their methods differ, is the same. Akiren hopes that if they continue going on, their paths will lead them to the same place, where they will be able to meet again.

When I wake up, the real world comes back, different than yesterday. Because the sadness is important, I’m going to keep on living tomorrow.

Now that the decision has been made and Maruki defeated, his treasure stolen, everything is going back to normal. Akiren wakes up in the real world again, it’s a different world than day before, because it’s the real one again. He thinks about Akechi, about the sadness engraved in his own heart, but he is going to keep going. He is going to keep his promise to Akechi. He is going to live with this sadness as it’s the memory of him, the proof that he lived and that he was important.

  Even if we can’t ever meet again, even if the time we spent together transforms into pain, I’m going to overcome even this pain, greater than (the pain that comes from) surpassing the tears I shed

Akiren doesn’t cry, it’s not the way to remember Akechi. It’s hard, but even though his tears would naturally flow, he is surpassing them, he can only shed them in his mind. It’s in a way unfair. He can’t really speak to anyone about it, he can’t tell the true story, honestly there is probably noone who could understand the bond that was born between him and Akechi, who could understand Akechi himself. The pain of the loss is even greater than that though. He may never meet Akechi again, but he is set on keeping the promise they made till the end. Because now, it’s not the end, he will keep on going. 

And I will grab it, perfectly clear sky, our light, floating eternally.

It’s very important, as it’s also the title of the song. ‘Our light’, the light that belongs to them both. The hope, the justice, the truth, the image of it clear as the perfectly clear sky. He will hold out his hand and grab it, he will keep it in his hands, his, mind, his heart. He won’t let go of it, it’s their mutual dream and goal, it’s something they share and something that will allow them to meet again.

--------------------------------

Thank you for reaching the end of this post... xD  If you have any thoughts on it, don’t be shy to share! 

--------------------------------

lyrics:

Our light

That night I realized my dream was (just) a dream, I close my eyes fixated on you.

The warmth, hands one on another, the voice, if I wake up it will all disappear into a dream.

Even if we can’t ever meet again, even if the time we spent together transforms into pain,

Please guide me with that pain, towards the night sky full of stars that illuminate me.

I was able to meet you in that sweet, sweet fairytale kingdom in distorted world.

You quietly closed the mouth that said “even if it’s false happiness, it’s okay”.

When there comes a day when memories start, you will be gone, it’s the path you chose yourself,

Even if walking it is always heartrending, towards the stars of tomorrow that I’m aiming for.

When I wake up, the real world comes back, different than yesterday. Because the sadness is important, I’m going to keep on living tomorrow.

Even if we can’t ever meet again, even if the time we spent together transforms into pain,

I’m going to overcome even this pain, greater than (the pain that comes from) surpassing the tears I shed

And I will grab it, perfectly clear sky, our light, floating eternally.

僕らの光

夢を夢と気づいた夜　君を見つめ瞼を閉じる

温もりも重ねた手も声も　目覚めれば微睡みへと消えて

僕らが二度と会えなくても　過ぎた時が痛みに変わっても

その痛みでね導いてよ　僕を照らす夜空の星へと

甘い甘いおとぎの国　君と会えた歪んだ世界

偽りの幸せでもいいと告げる口　君がそっと塞ぐ

思い出の始まる日になる　君が消えた自分で决めた道

歩くのさずっとせつなくても　僕の目指す明日の星へと

目覚めて現実が来る昨日と違う悲しみが大切だから明日を生きていく 

僕らが二度と会えなくても過ぎた時が痛みに変わっても

その痛みさえ超えていくよ　流す涙乘り越えより高く

そして掴むよ　澄み切った空　永遠に浮かぶ僕らの光を

[vlovers19]

Gosia

Hello my favorite blogger

What baffles me these days is my own reaction. A few days / weeks ago I was sure about my thoughts about Vmin and now suddenly not anymore. How so ? Why am I suddenly sad and hurt? I'm not a shipper and Vmin is / was just real for me all the years.

I love Taehyung! He's my bayes. I love his voice and his unique manner. Since Vmin also belongs to Jimin, I also love Jimin, but different from Taehyung.

What amazes me is that; How can you repeatedly, at intervals a few days or a few weeks, change your own feelings in such a way? How can Jimin, from all these feelings about Tae, suddenly come back to hot feelings about Joonkook?

They sing an almost sweet song / FRIENDS / with all the promise and then suddenly it's over, like magic, we come back to Jikook.

How after what we saw at BV4, what we, as Viminists, read and heard at the beginning of the year - straight from Vmin's mouth, should we now assume that it was all just such an unimportant thing? We saw Vmin; at Grammy, Mama, and others ... we heard what the members say about Vmin, we almost received a declaration of love from Taehyung to Jimin, we got a glimpse into the Vmin relationship where Jimin told, like her always, in the agency "Face to face" calls, like Vmin calls each other when one of them is alone, how important they are to each other. Jimin said that Taehyung is a very important person to him, his only equal friend, and that he wouldn’t mind it staying that way forever. The mood that Vmin spread had to be real because not only did I believe in it, but thousands of other people who had nothing to do with BTS or Vmin before.

Suddenly everything turned but Taehyung (as we have just seen on ISLAND) still stays at Jimin's side. I don't think Taehyung would post all the things if he had known that Jimin would actually rather be with JK or even have feelings for him.

 Taehyung is a proud person and I don't think he would run after anyone who has no feelings for him.

He also wouldn't try to grab his hand or look into his eyes and write love songs if he knew Jimin was in love with JK.

That is my opinion, even if the situation makes me sad, I believe that this confusion has happened recently, is not dependent on Vmin but on the company and its marketing strategy.

I remember myself that the recordings we got are almost 1 year old or even older. The BV4 and the other Vmin things happened later. That, the pictures with the Jimin sitting on Jk, amazes me. In the way Jimin does it again and again with Joonkook, I don't understand. These are childish images, like boys who are going through puberty. I don't understand how people see these pictures as signs of love ??????

Jk also does these games with Suga, also does Taehyung with RM or with Jin etc etc ... but they don't get the attention

 BUT this way Joonkook sometimes pushes Jimin forward is not loving at all but pasively aggression, in my opinion.

In any case  ; something is going on, maybe something is behind or even rotten.

I saw a video once, there were no cameras on, only fans who probably sneaked in there. They filmed the situation with a mobile phone and the quality is bad but good enough to see how loving Vmin was. How Taehyung embraced Jimin, how Jimin snuggled up to Tae, it sat like love.

Afterwards we got official bra shots after the gig, and Vmin pretended they had nothing in common.

Jimin is bigender

This means that the expression of his gender identity is between male and female, he can either consciously or unconsciously switch between perceiving primarily male and primarily female appearance and self-image. His appearance is not only expressed through clothing, but also through body language, choice of words or inner feelings about oneself.

Taehyung knows and accepts everything about Jimin.

"I am from the moon, and you from the stars" ..... we are a mystery

I purple you

******************

Hello Gosia, how are you doing? I share your thoughts and I understand everything. Though, I don't believe they are dating but I believe they have strong feelings for each other.

Like I once said, the era of Vmin showing us all that PDA as a result of their unit is over and now we'll go back to normal.

This is what we get for being shippers. One day you think your otp is real, the next moment, you are seeing one of them or both of them snuggling up to others as if few days ago, they weren't acting as if it was only them in the world.

Honestly, the person who confuses everyone is not Jungkook, it's not Taehyung...it's Jimin. Why do I say so? It's because he alternates his affections between them. One minute, he is all lovey dovey with Taehyung, the next moment, he's all lovey dovey with Jungkook.

What you percieve as Jungkook being agressive is actually his teasing personality. From debut till now, he has been known to tease and 'bully' his hyungs. Pushing them around, playing...

There's this boxing thing he does with Jin which is simply hilarious. But despite this, he is respectful and does what ever his hyungs tells him to do. As far as I know, while they were living together in the dorm, he was in charge of doing everyone's laundry and Jimin himself said that one day when he overdid his teasing towards him, he came to him at night and apologized for it.

Now, Jungkook would show any affection with his hyungs even Taehyung. Back then, he frequently slept on Jin's bed. Jin wrote about it during bon voyage Malta where they wrote letters to each other. He also likes hanging out with Suga. He is the only one who dares to trouble him while in his studio.

Despite all the PDA Jikook has been showing, it doesn't seem to affect Taehyung and Jungkook's relationship. They seem perfectly okay with each other. They don't look like people who are fighting for love. Once in a while, they even flirt.

There are two explanations for this. First, that there's nothing going on between the three of them at all.

Secondly, if there was, there's no need to be jealous.

For shippers like us, we are of the belief that something is going on between them but Taehyung and Jungkook's behavior doesn't indicate that there's any bad blood between them which is always the case when you are fighting for love.

And you are also correct about the fact that Taehyung cannot be holding on to Jimin when he's not interested in him. Taehyung is a very handsome and eligible bachelor that thousands of people want a taste of. Both men and women. If i was in his shoes, if Jimin isn't interested, it will hurt but it can also be seen as dodging a bullet because of the risk involved in actually dating him. It would be better to move on but instead, we see that there's still cordiality between them. Taehyung continues to show his affections for Jimin a lot not so much on camera but off cam showing that something is really fishy because he doesn't seem affected by what's going on between Jimin and Jungkook.

Jimin is in the middle of two men who are not even fighting because of him. It's people that are actually fighting the battle for them. Acting ridiculous, fighting on social media when the people involved don't even care and are just going about their lives like always.

Which is why part of me believes this is a strategy to keep people talking about the group. With all these, there's always something to talk about with Bts much like how we are doing right now.

Vmin has always been reserved with their affection but one thing I noticed is that if they do PDA, they just don't show it like that. There must be something backing them. For example, in 2015 or so when they recorded an amateur drama of two boys breaking up. One would see it and think, that's really gay but you have no basis or proof to show that it's gay. Why? Because they will tell you they were simply acting.

During the last bon voyage where they were in the kitchen acting all 'gay' One would see them and go 'what the hell are these two doing' but there's no basis because they will just tell you they were role playing.

They always have a back up for all their actions like when they were talking about their song friends and revealed weird things. It was even in that interview Taehyung revealed that his inspiration for his song 4'o clock came when he was waiting for Jimin early that morning at a park. Jimin himself talked about getting drunk before meeting Taehyung. Taehyung revealed he took pictures of him that Jimin wasn't even aware of no doubt making people raise their eye brows a bit. But before you can even think too much, they bring up an excuse reminding people they are just two friends.

Another example is their song 'friends'. I read a post by @btsandvmin where she mentioned that the lyrics of the song sounds romantic. If you were hearing the song without knowing the title was friends, you will think it's a romantic song but once that title 'friends' has been put, that basis has been wiped away conditioning us to think that the song is platonic when it's not really the case. Not once was the word 'friends' used. Through out, what we saw and heard was soulmates.

These two are careful. Every action has an excuse but with Jikook, it's right in your face to the point that a lot of people think they are dating. Why make it so obvious when you know how homosexuality is viewed in the country. Unless, there's really nothing to hide so there's no need to be cautious and they just show it all. But off cam, he decides to sing a song with Taehyung. After their vacation, he meets with him, stays close to him with his head on his shoulder and his hands in between his legs. Taehyung tweets sweet things about Jimin despite what he does with Jungkook. If it were the normal case, such 'love' would instantly turn into resentment. Resentment towards the both of them. Instead of tweeting sweet things about Jimin and wanting to sing duets with him, he wouldn't even want to have anything to do with him anymore (Because he's breaking his heart) causing the relationship in the group to even get affected. I don't know about you but I know I would feel resentment.

The entertainment world is not as simple as we think. To stay relevant is actually hard work especially when there are the younger upcoming generations rearing up to take your place. And to stay relevant, people need to talk about you. BTS is what they are today because all kinds of people love them. The straights, the non-straights... people of different denominations and cultures and they have to satisfy all these people. Take for instance, their newly released single Dynamite. They are Koreans and apart from Namjoon, not a single one of them can speak English yet they do it for us to satisfy the cravings of international fans. That is what it means to be in the entertainment industry.

About Jimin being bigender, we aren't sure as he hasn't come out to say such but with his changing personality, it's actually a possibility

But Vmin knows that one day these cheers will come to an end and when that day comes, they'll still be together however way they want.

Thanks for this ask and keep believing in Vmin. I purple you too. Have a great day 💜💜

[blucmoon]

━  ☾ ⊹  ( im jaebum, cis male , he/him ) say hello to AE YONGGUK, the TWENTY SIX YEAR OLD that seems to have a lot in his hands with HIS job as a STALL OWNER, DRUMMER AND OCCASIONAL BARTENDER! beyond that, they seemed RESPONSIBLE AND TRUSTWORTHY upon first glance. i heard someone say they’re sort of EVASIVE AND INSECURE though. HE seems to live in a 4 BEDROOM HOUSE in YUNHWA, SOUTH KOREA. anything else to add? oh, yeah! he also RUNS A STALL CALLED “KODACHROME” WHERE HE TAKES PHOTOS FOR IDS, SELLS PRINTS AS WELL AS BOOKS SESSIONS FOR PHOTOSHOOTS. 

basic information

full name: ae yongguk

nickname(s): guk, yonggu (hasn’t figured out why)

age: 25

date of birth: january 6th, 1995

birthplace: seoul, south korea.

hometown: yunhwa, south korea.

current location: yunhwa, south korea.

ethnicity: asian.

nationality: korean

gender: cismale

pronouns: he / him

orientation: demiromantic, bisexual.

occupation: stall owner and drummer of a band called “crux”. sometimes he helps at his aunt’s bar in busan for some extra money.

living arrangements: house #4012, hwesakgu.

language(s) spoken: korean, english (conversational)

physical appearance

faceclaim: got7’s im jaebum “jb”

hair color: like almost everyone, he has naturally brown hair but throughout the years he’s dyed it blonde or black a couple of times. right now, it’s black and he has managed to grow it to a length he really likes below his chin. yongguk can be usually seen with his hair down and every so often he puts it up in a half updo. whenever the band has a gig, he  exerts a little more effort (even if most of the time it doesn’t pay off).

eye color: brown. (likes colored contacts every now and then)

height: 179 cm

weight: 66 kg

build: lean person, with a good muscular frame.

distinguishing characteristics: two beauty marks right next to each other on his left eyelid.

tattoos: has a full sleeve on his left arm from shoulder down to a little above his wrist and another one his right forearm.

piercings: lobe and upper lobe in both ears, anti-tragus on the left one, double helix on the right, anti-eyebrow and nose on the right side of the face (won’t ever use jewelry during the day though).

clothing style: while he’s working at the stall he has a more casual style consisting of jeans, cargos, pants, button downs, sweaters. likes layering with denim shirts, flannels, jackets, windbreakers over t-shirts, etc. mostly in earthy colors, dark reds and blues, white, gray and black. no matter what though, he will always wear long sleeves, even in the hottest summer days and never roll them up, going to these lengths just to not draw any unnecessary attention. (he’s even gotten a fair amount of rash guards for those occasions when he feels like going for a swim.)

at the bar or at gigs, he’s usually clad in all black or dark tones. sleeveless shirts or those with short sleeves are his go-to, not nearly as concerned to conceal the ink over his arms from the public eye at night. he likes to choose style and comfort when performing, thus splurging a little more on his nightly outfits rather than those he uses on the daily. leather and denim jackets, bombers, sometimes harnesses, jeans in either black or leather, boots, sneakers, muscle shirts, graphic t-shirts, shirts with the first buttons undone and rolled up sleeves in dark, rich colors. style varies from street fashion to grunge to rocker depending on how he feels.  

health

sleeping habits: goes to sleep really late but has no trouble waking up early to go to to work, though for the first couple of hours he’s awake and if he has gotten 4-5 hours only, he’d be kind of silent and unresponsive until getting that first cup of coffee. will likely nap before his shift at the bar only for an hour and a half tops.

eating habits: eats 3 - 4 times a day and gets easily hungry between meals. often seen snacking whatever he can.

exercise habits: doesn’t really exercise much constantly, but on the weekends he likes hiking or running around town.

emotional stability: 6/10

body temperature: average

addictions: none

drug use: experimentally a couple of times, hasn’t done it in a while.

alcohol use: socially, medium-high tolerance.

personality

label: the opaque (unable to be figured out; hiding behind a façade; not transparent.)

positive traits: reliable, responsible, hard-working, trustworthy, loyal, thoughtful, generous, creative, passionate, artistic, caring, considerate, devoted.

negative traits: defensive, evasive, cautious, indecisive, defiant, self-doubt, fluctuating self-esteem, conflict-averse, private, self-conscious, sensitive, unpredictable.

hobbies: starting songs he never finishes, watching the same show every year (avatar the last airbender) as well as his comfort movies, cloud/star gazing, jigsaw puzzles, origami, video games, playing guitar sometimes.

habits: knuckle cracking, muttering under his breath, snacking between meals, rubbing hands together, jaw clenching, gesturing while talking, rubbing the back of his neck, running hands through hair, drumming fingers, sings along to songs and sings gibberish for the parts he doesn’t know, doodles on any paper at reach, dozes off when bored/daydreams, bobs his leg while sitting.

zodiac sign: sun capricorn, moon pisces, rising scorpio (read as: impending disaster)

mbti: infp

enneagram: 6w5

temperament: melancholic

hogwarts house: ravenclaw

moral alignment: chaotic good

primary vice: wrath

primary virtue: diligence

element: water

expanded personality

yongguk has a strong tendency to appear quiet and reserved and it might come off as standoffish or easily confused with snoberish, which makes it worse when he doesn’t go out of his way to change this preconception about him. he needs a great deal of personal space, both physically and mentally, and any attempt to control him or forcibly schedule his activities will only strengthen his need for time alone.

he’s responsible, trustworthy and hardworking. relies heavily on his intuition to guide him and knows how to patiently wait as well as how to adapt to any circumstances. in yunhwa, he’s been forced to learn how to interact with the townsfolk and through the years he’s mastered the front he puts on in order to remain below the radar and not get any unnecessary attention; polite, helpful, sometimes even considered as a sweet guy, yongguk has no problem lending a hand to anyone that needs it.

however, in busan, his adaptability is also handy when it comes to dealing with customers. at the same time, it’s in these moments when he feels a little less restrained and allows himself to be less calculative: flirty, playful, sometimes misleading… he’s gotten in several problems because of this and yet he has no plans to stop it anytime soon.

yongguk is a little insecure and with a fluctuating self-esteem: sometimes he’s very well aware and confident on his skills and assets, but other times he will second-guess everything about himself. this combined with an strong fear of failure that stems from poor past decisions, makes him hesitate when it comes to making important calls that could potentially affect his future, but he knows how to play it off… most of the times.

despite appearing simple at a glance, yongguk is more than what meets the eye. friendly but private, polite but passionate about his beliefs, calm and sometimes expressionless. it’s not that he doesn’t have feelings - he actually runs quite deep and strong - it’s just that he conceals them under a mask of politeness because he’s unsure how to deal with them; he’s restrained when it comes to conveying emotion, but has a very deep care for his peers. might be awkward and uncomfortable with expressing himself verbally, but has a wonderful ability to define and reveal what he’s feeling on paper.

yongguk is genuinely interested in understanding others, a good listener, but will exclusively share his sorrows and woes only with the friends he trusts the most, unafraid to display his best and worst with them. his natural intuition allows him to sense the mood without the need of words. however, he can be quite impressionable and be easily influenced by the moods of others, which may often lead him to feel overwhelmed because of this.

incredibly curious, yongguk loves to explore with his hands and his eyes, touching and examining the world around him with cool rationalism and spirited curiosity. he explores ideas through creating, troubleshooting, trial and error and first-hand experience. yongguk can be a challenge to predict, even by the closest people to him. can seem very loyal and steady for a while, but he has a tendency to build up a store of impulsive energy that explodes without warning, taking his interests in bold, new directions.

with a good memory, he can recall experiences from the past down to smallest details. this is both good and bad: remembering the good memories is a way to ease himself when in stressful or sad situations, but he���s also prone to dwell on previous mistakes and regret them for a long time.

he’s not consistently angry. will either let the anger build up and release it all at once in an outburst or let it out slowly through small, critical remarks throughout the day. sometimes, both. he’s very difficult when annoyed, but it usually doesn’t last that long. a perfectionistic through and through, his main source of anger usually comes from things not being up to their standards. not good at sparing others’ feelings when he does become irritable. doesn’t like conflict and will go to great lengths to avoid it. in those occasions where he does have to face it, he will approach it from his feelings and mistakenly place little importance on who is right and who is wrong. yongguk will react to the emotions he’s going through and won’t care whether or not he’s right, which makes him appear irrational and illogic.

background (tldr)

his parents work in the field with doctors without borders.

yongguk was born in seoul and lived there for six years before his parents sent him to yunhwa to stay with his grandparents while they went abroad.

seven years passed, his parents would rarely contact them, much less visit them.

in the meantime, his grandma taught him how to play many instruments, being a musician herself and he was enrolled in kwangsook academy.

at thirteen they returned and guk moved with them back to seoul. around this time he became more reserved and quiet, the conversation always focused on his parents achievements and interests.

he made it his goal to become a doctor in hopes of having something in common with them. it was a way to seek their attention and approval.

a year later, a new plan was announced and yongguk was back in yunhwa with his grandparents. he was actually pretty happy about this.

started taking his studies seriously in his junior year of high school, going to the extent of dropping music and every other altogether.

he successfully managed to get into pusan national university, school medicine.

however, the whole experience was something he wasn’t ready for at all. for a year and half he struggled to keep up with his classmates and was utterly ashamed to compare his simple goal of wanting to get closer to his parents to the drive of everyone else.

he drops out after talking with his grandfather, a successful doctor himself.

initially excited to get the chance of truly discovering what he wanted to do, a single call from his father deterred his enthusiasm. he was supposed to return to yunhwa, instead he decided to move in with a friend and stay in busan… where everything goes downhill.

at only twenty and under the fake pretense that he’d get his act together, he allows himself to make mistakes and act recklessly, secretly wishing that’d be enough to get his parents attention.

he found temporary jobs all around busan and never lasted too long, but he still made money and that’s the only thing he really cared about at the moment. things aren’t great, but they aren’t that bad, or so he tells himself.

at twenty one, he gets a full sleeve on his left arm as well as many piercings. a couple of weeks after this, his grandparents decided to pay him a surprise visit and the state of his apartment as well as life… is not optimal.

coincidence or not, his parents video called them at that moment. it was the first time he heard from them in a year, and it was the last time as well.

seems like only his appearance was enough to finally trigger some sort of emotion from his father, but it wasn’t really the kind he was looking for. it was anger and he could clearly see the disappointment in his eyes. a heated argument ensues, one that ends with “you’re not our son anymore.”

perhaps it came a little too late, but it was the much needed wake up call to get his act together. not in order to mend the relationship with his parents, he knew that’d be impossible. but more so, for himself.

he perks up at a suggestion from his grandmother, one that was about a long forgotten hobby of his: photography. he remembers an old shoe box filled with polaroids and undeveloped films under his bed.

thus, he stays in busan after enrolling in a community college for a year-long photography class. around this time, one of his aunts offered him a job as a bartender in her bar and since then he’s been helping her every now and then. he says it’s for extra money, but in reality is a way to repay her from hiring him when no one else would.

after he was done with his course and had saved enough money to get a decent camera, he decided it was time to go back to yunhwa.

he returned three years ago. luckily, his reputation there remained intact and he wanted it to stay that way thus hiding the ink on his skin with long sleeves and removing the jewelry whenever he was outside.

yongguk moved back with his grandparents, this time to help them out and take care of his grandmother who started to get a little ill. he picked up playing and making music after finding his long abandoned drum set in the garage.

with the help of his grandfather, he opened his very own stall called “kodachrome” where he takes photos for ids, sells prints of his own work (mostly of yunhwa’s scenery) as well as books sessions for photoshoots.

a year and half ago, however, he had to find a new place. his grandparents decided to retire and move to jeju. thankfully, he managed to get a deal to rent a house from one of his grandma’s friends. the house was a little too big thus he decided to post an ad online looking for roommates to share the space and ease the expenses.

in the present, yongguk is still running his stall and getting contacted every blue moon by small influencers and event planners looking for his services. three nights a week, he goes back to busan to work for his aunt at the bar and every other night he has gigs with a band, which was randomly created after having far too many drinks with his roommates.

background (full)

tw: mentions of needles, tattoos, substances but nothing too graphic.

ae yongguk was the name given to you and and your endearing smiles as well as adorable dimples seemed to be more than enough to have everyone coddling and cosseting you from the get-go. nonetheless, permanency was never on your parents’ agenda. by the time you turned six, they moved away and you were shoved into your grandparents’ household in yunhwa.

it’s difficult to comprehend the sudden change, being told that you’d be living with them for some time. how much? they don’t specify, but the next thing you know is that you’re wordlessly bidding goodbye to your parents, who promised to write and come back for you soon. they didn’t. being part of doctors without borders and making it their goal to offer medical aid where it’s needed most, they put their humanitarian labor before parenthood.

the first letter you got arrived eight months after they left. there’s disappointment and there’s also heartbreak, but they don’t last long. you don’t allow them to regardless of your young age. instead, you focus on how your grandfather, despite having severe and strict ways, squeezed your shoulder and offered the small smile that you know all too well now. or how your grandmother, a renowned musician, didn’t hesitate to shower you in unconditional love. your education didn’t cease and your grandfather immediately enrolled you at kwangsook academy.

one of your most prominent traits is how transparent you are with your emotions and your grandmother easily learnt to read this. it was no surprise that the first time you saw her playing a beautiful song on her baby grand and your irises sparkled with curiosity, she immediately beckoned you closer. “hi, my love.” the elderly woman greeted while shifting a little so you could take a seat beside her. you meet her eyes and you wonder if she’s looking for anything by the time an easy smile appears on her face. “do you like music?” you’re unable to respond, but she must’ve seen something because, after that, she started teaching you the basics of piano. a couple of days later, she asked again and this time around, the answer naturally slipped out of your mouth: i love it.

for your regular classes, you were constant and responsible. sure, you enjoyed learning, but your interest wasn’t inherently there. it was just something you had to do. however, when it came to that newfound love for music of yours, you were the one with the initiative to ask for more lessons and practice whenever you had free time; first the piano, later the guitar and a couple of years later you made the stubborn decision to learn the drums.

it was nice staying in yunhwa, it brought you a comforting sense of belonging. it was the beginning of finding your own voice; discovering your likes and dislikes, some of your talents and even the chance of making friends. however, there was always a lingering question in the back of your mind and a deep sadness you rarely showed: when are my parents coming back?

they do, but only for a short period of time.

you had only turned thirteen, but the moment you saw them you were but an excited kid, joyously yelling and running to hug them, but they greeted you rather… frivolously. you try to ignore the breach between you and them, which you felt the most when you were holding your mother’s hand; her skin a couple of degrees colder than your grandma’s. they ask how you were doing and, in your frenzy, you start talking about everything that’s happened all this time only to be interrupted; the voice you were starting to grow inevitably drowned in the sea of their own achievements and stories.

it’s then that they tell you they’d move to seoul and you’re to go with them. apparently, with the intention to settle down and give it a go to having a normal family. you say goodbye to your grandparents, and unlike your mom and dad, the promises of staying in touch with them are real.

you were silent and reserved around your parents. you had to after learning that no matter what you tried to tell them, the conversation always ended being about what interested them. for a while you pretended to be okay with it, but soon you started wishing they paid as much attention to you as they did to their cause. it made you think that, by immersing yourself in that world, you might be able to keep them interested long enough or make them proud, and your very own obsession to become a doctor started right there. simple questions that had your parents perk up are what made you believe that your plan isn’t too far fetched.

luckily, you were able to retreat to your music whenever everything became too overwhelming, but even this wasn’t enough to stop an ever growing beast called dissatisfaction from making your chest its home. it increases in size and sometimes it’s so big that you’re unable to keep it in your ribcage, coming to light with rebellious little acts such as not doing your homework or bluntly strumming your guitar late at night. eventually, unspoken words and jumbled thoughts find their way into old notebooks full of an amateur’s unfinished songs.

it’s exactly a year later that they announced their new plans of moving to the other side of the world, plans that didn’t take you into consideration at all. it was disappointing, but not really surprising. still, you were able to comprehend the nature of their jobs, after all they were brilliant doctors and only a handful were willing to offer the assistance your parents did. you stop expecting things to change after the farewells you exchanged with them. you wished them the best and truly meant it.

going back to yunhwa at fourteen is something you anticipate; your grandmother welcomed you with your favorite food and your grandfather with a blank notebook. “for your songs, son” he said with that smile of his, learning about this new hobby of yours from one of the many mails you sent them. both were happy about your return and helped you pick up your studies where you last left them.

it’s in your junior year at high school when you truly get serious about your studies, medical school was your single goal. even though you’ve come to terms with the relationship you had with your parents, a hopeful part of you genuinely believed that becoming a doctor would help breach the distance.

and so you do, dropping music altogether and every other hobby that “needlessly” consumed your time and energy. it was admittedly exhausting and you were obviously miserable without playing any instrument. the sleepless nights and the isolation you brought upon yourself paid off the moment you received the news of your acceptance at pusan national university. that very night, you got a call from your parents congratulating you.

for the next year and a half, however, things prove to be extremely challenging when you find yourself amongst thousands of students whose drive and ambition is stronger than simply wanting to get close to their parents. it’s shameful, you admit and the constant pressure as well as the competitive environment soon takes a toll on you, but it was much needed for you to start questioning everything; yourself, your goals and if it was really what you wanted.

the person who helps you to fully come to this realisation is none other than your grandfather, another renowned doctor in your family. it’s shocking to hear him encouraging you to drop out and follow your dreams. truth is you were far too concerned chasing after a hopeless goal than to craft ambitions and dreams for yourself. still, you follow his advice even when you are completely at loss about what the next step would be.

if news of your acceptance travelled fast, so did the news of your departure. you got a call shortly after and all you heard was “we’re very disappointed” followed by radio silence before your father hung up. you were nineteen, about to turn twenty, when they last talked to you.

their silence becomes one of your many excuses to make mistakes and act recklessly; if your good behaviour and your previous little act didn’t catch their attention, this surely will. it’s your shield against the disapproval in your grandfather’s eyes, and that very shield is what stops him from stopping you. even when you told him you wouldn’t return to yunhwa, instead moving to one of your friend’s apartment in the heart of busan.

it’s amusing how easily your grandfather believes your fake promises of trying to get your life together and you feel awful for being such a good liar. you find decent jobs, but never stay too long. unnecessary fights with customers or blatant irresponsibility are the main reasons that force you to find a new one every couple of weeks. you’ve been many things: a busser, a server, even a mascot. you didn’t mind much as long as you were paid.

you willingly dive into a void filled with indulgence and bad decisions. all in order to not think, to not dwell on the future. you used every situation you could possibly get yourself into as a distractor from the painful reality. you were lost, so utterly lost.

twenty one comes around and you decide that, for the first time ever, you’re going to gift yourself something. a permanent work of art, its canvas your skin.

three monthly salaries were spent on black and red ink which reminded you of your favorite place. the needle pierces your skin once, twice, hundred times until your arm is almost fully covered… maybe it was a metaphor, a feeble attempt to display something bright and wonderful on someone who otherwise had long lost every trace of that. it was not enough and a couple of piercings follow in trying to beautify the sheer mess you’ve made of yourself.

some nights you question your own strength and sanity. you used to be pristine, someone to be proud of and an exemplary resident of the town you fondly call home. you were constant, had talent and a midas touch that turned meaningless words into beautiful songs, scribbles onto paper into melodies that had every listener humming along.

what happened to you, boy? says a voice in your head… or is it from your chest? is it the dissatisfaction you’ve tried to keep locked for years? all it took was to be called a disappointment once for you to willingly become one?

it consumes you and every passing day it becomes louder, but you’re stubborn and simply take it as a challenge to find new ways to drown it. headachingly loud music, poisonous substances, liquid trust or the ecstasy under someone’s fingertips… the city swallows you whole and provides you with momentary sweet oblivion but… is the aftermath of impeding remorse worth it? it is, you convince yourself while running back into it’s arms night after night.

one day, without warning, three knocks come onto your door and when you’re about to curse whoever disrupted your game, you’re met with your grandparents. your appearance is deplorable; bloodshot eyes, greasy hair and alarming signs of lack of proper sleep. it hurt to see your grandmother, as crystal clear as you wear, worried and at loss of words. a thing the city taught you was to be a pretender and so you ignore every sign of concern in their faces while smiling at them. “long time no see!” you say cheerfully.

it’s a quiet visit. they don’t know what to tell you or where to start, and neither do you feel a need to fill the awkward silence when your grandfather’s phone went off. he answers without thinking to a videocall and the voice that greets him has you freezing on your spot. father. your face falls and your eyes widen in obvious panic when he asks about you. the older man in the room seems to be equally as frantic as you when he glances at you, taking in how you look before your father speaks again.

“oh, is yongguk there? let me talk to him.” his authoritative tone was enough to have your grandfather turning the phone towards you. it’s late, far too late to fix yourself or even try to hide the glaringly bright red ink on your arm. so, in your frenzy, you decide to play cynical. what else could you lose, right? “hey, dad.” you greet with a shameless smile upon your lips. “your timing is as impeccable as ever.”

the argument that ensues forces you to retreat to your room and you thank whatever universal force that your roommate decided to have a weekend-long trip. it’s a heated fight, and you realize midway through that this is the longest conversation you’ve ever had with your father. why is it that the most display of emotion you get from him is when you don’t follow his ridiculous standards? he gets louder, so do you and it escalates to irreversible words. the last thing he says is “you’re not our son anymore” followed by silence.

then you laugh.

you laugh over the irony of an absent father saying such a thing. you laugh because you don’t want to allow him see you hurting. you laugh at how fucked up the whole situation is. “doesn’t make a difference, does it?” you say between unabashed chuckles. “not like you ever acted like a father, anyway.” and you hang up, your legs giving in and only then did you notice that your whole body had been shaking this whole time.

you muffle a scream on a pillow while feeling so alone and like the butt of the cruelest joke. you want to hate your father and your mother. you want to despise them for their horrible behavior. instead, you find yourself crying like an abandoned kid wanting, yearning for the love that wasn’t given to him. you want to run, to disappear, to hide where no one can find you.

then, two arms wraps around you and even though your grandmother is a little smaller than you, you find yourself feeling protected under her embrace. shortly after comes a pat on your head from your grandfather. you look up at those brown eyes full of wisdom and, when he tells you “everything will be okay, son.” you wholeheartedly believe him

because, a year later, things started looking up.

[aromagni]

Intersections of Triple A Identity (Carnival of Aros, March 2020)

I identify as Aromantic, Asexual, and Agender: all my identities are defined by what I do not feel rather than what I do feel, which is interesting because it’s difficult to detect the absence of a feeling, and even harder to convince yourself to be sure of it.  I started identifying as aro and ace when I was 15; ace was first, in part because it was easier and more finite to identify a definition for sexual attraction in order to conclude I didn’t feel it.  Romantic attraction was somewhat harder to define but still feasible, so I started identifying as aro shortly afterwards.  I think on some level, I started questioning my gender around that time or at least in the year following, but it took me until I was 18 to actually start identifying as agender.  As I said, it’s hard to identify a lack of feeling something, especially when you can’t define it; I never did find a satisfactory definition of what gender feels like but suppose that’s because I’ve never felt it.

I feel like my experience of gender is definitely tied to my experiences being aro.  When I was searching for explanations of what gender felt like, it seemed like everything was either superficial stereotypes which didn’t make sense, or it was based on feelings that existed in the context of relationships which I could never relate to.  Me being aro simultaneously facilitated and hindered my exploration of my gender identity.  On one hand, I doubt I’d have ever questioned gender as much if I wasn’t already identifying as aroace.  On the other hand, I kept misattributing my feelings about gender as instead being linked solely to me being aroace.

Throughout high school, I increasingly tried to dress more “neutrally”, wearing mainly t-shirts and avoiding “women’s” clothes, which I attributed to not wanting to wear tight-fitting sexualizing women’s clothes because I did not wish to be perceived as attractive.  When I was 16 and cut my hair super short, I attributed to it wanting to express my queer identity because although I wasn’t ready to come out, I also didn’t want to be perceived as straight.  In hindsight, these ways in which I altered my appearance and presentation were primarily motivated by the gender dysphoria I didn’t realize I had.  Though, the way in which society ties being a woman to being sexualized and romanticized did contribute to my growing alienation from my assigned gender.  Thus, my agender identity is influenced by my aro identity, which is why I also identify with the term arogender.

Of my identities, being aromantic is the most important to me, and I can’t perceive my agender identity as truly independent of my aromanticism.  I identify strongly with the queer community, but it’s strange to me to think that some exclusionary groups might accept me as LGBT due to my agender identity but not due to my aro and ace identities, because of how my gender feels somewhat dependent on the existence of my other identities.  I also don’t identify with trans: I’m agender and nonbinary and thus fall under the trans umbrella but I do not identify as transgender, because that would imply transitioning across to a gender whereas my gender is not having one.  Thus, I don’t identify with the LGBT community at all, only with the LGBTQA+ or queer community.

I think the concepts of amatonormativity, heteronormativity, and the gender binary are all intertwined with each other, and thus my identity rejecting some of these concepts leads to rejecting all of them at once.  Apparently other people have strong feelings of gender identity and both romantic and sexual attraction, which seems strange to me because I have no frame of reference for any of these feelings and thus I don’t think I realized they actually existed until I discovered my identities of specifically not feeling these things.  There seems to be a fair many people who are aro, ace, and agender, and thus triple A.  Battery puns aside, there are many parallels in experience between these identities framed around not feeling something, so it makes sense that there can be overlap.

I am defined by that which I do not feel, what I lack, but that’s okay; the absence doesn’t make me any less whole.  I am what I am and I take pride in my identities and seek ways to express that which is not inherently expressed, as there are no inherent directional feelings to push for expression.

[ariainstars]

Sorry, But I Don’t Support Minorities (Any More)

For a start: I will not use inclusive language in this text. (I usually don’t, only in this case I want to make sure it’s known from the start.)

Secondly, if you identify as trans or non-binary and / or are a huge Harry Potter fan, I am warning you: don’t read this.

If you do want to hear me out, be respectful in your comments or hold them back altogether. I won’t tolerate bullying merely because I am expressing my own opinion. Though the topic touches a sore spot in me, too, I will be as objective as I can.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am not and never was a fan of J.K. Rowling and her works. I found the Harry Potter hype strongly exaggerated, the books mildly unoriginal and biased, the films ok until they became so overloaded with derivation from other sources (dragons, elves, magic wands, brooms, unicorns, centaurs, phoenixes, basilisks, flying horses - stories like Star Trek or Star Wars at least have their own world-building) and later so dark that they were no fun anymore. In my opinion an average writer was lucky because she tapped into a trend and was at the right place and right time with her stories. I daresay years from now many fans will wonder why they liked these stories so much and realize that they just jumped on a train, having been too young and naïve to question it.

I don’t own any of Rowling’s books or DVDs or merchandise and I never have been part of the fandom. So, I come from a different corner when I say that I have my own attitude about the current shitstorm regarding J.K. Rowling now being coded as “transphobic”. This is due to personal reasons of my own.

  1. The Discussion Can Add Confusion

Rowling stated that in her youth she had problems with her own identity due to her father having wanted her to be a boy. I can understand that because I went through a long period in my late teens and early twens where I had difficulties identifying with the sex I was born with. At times I also felt physically attracted to females. In my case, it turned out to merely be a phase: I am an average cis woman. I can understand that for some people, such doubts may turn out to be more than a phase. But I know what Rowling refers to because I have been there. And I am grateful that there was no gender discussion when I was young because it would have confused me even more than I actually was, and I already had more than enough other problems. I was and I am a “common” woman, but there was a time in my life when I did not like it very much. That time was bad enough, combined as it was with other aspects in my life I had to come to terms with, which at times almost drove me to despair to the point where I contemplated suicide. So, I am glad that in my time being gay / straight / trans / cis / non-binary or other was not such an issue, at least not where I grew up. With my confusion and disorientation, well-meaning people might have taken the opportunity to encourage me to “embrace my lesbianism / trans identity”, when in truth I am neither. I was discouraged, from many sides, to liking myself, and that self-loathing took many forms. 

I am extremely cautious when it comes to gender identification because I know that finding one’s way in life under difficult circumstances can take years and years and end in a very different place from where it started, well beyond adolescence. In my case, for a long time I thought I was “not really female” because I love my independence and never wished for children: this is not due to some masculine trait inside of me but to my growing up with a disturbed mother who strongly invaded my life and mind and did everything that was in her power to trap me. I suspected that something was wrong with her since my early teens, but I found out the truth only about twenty years later. I had to accept her the way she is and put distance between us. 

Then there were my peers: where and when I grew up it was trendy to be (or appear) as tomboyish and easy-going as possible because this was seen as a sign of a “strong, modern, emancipated female”: fie on you if you wore your hair a little longer, liked clothes or only had to much as a flower-pattern on your notebook. Again: I simply had to get away. For many years I had been led to believe that my too “female” or “masculine” traits were a problem, when the actual problem was not mine. And if this happened to me, I daresay there may be many others in similar situations; which is something that who supports and encourages trans people usually does not consider. People who are confused about their sexuality without actually being trans need understanding as well.

  2. What About Us?

As a native Italian, I cringe when I only think e.g. of Lady and the Tramp’s silly “Bella notte” scene or films like Good Fellas or of The Godfather trilogy, cultural phenomena that did a lot to cement the general audience’s idea of how Italians are like. Not to our advantage. - No, “bella notte” is not correct Italian. No, we don’t play the mandolin, it’s an outmoded instrument that you are more likely to find in a museum. And no, spaghetti with meatballs are not Italian food!

Following the 2009 economic crises many countries in the European Community applied for financial “umbrellas”; Italy didn’t, it paid into those funds. Italy was the first Western country who went into lockdown as the Covid-19 crisis struck. The country functioned, though under huge restrictions and security measures. In both cases, other countries’ reactions in and outside Europe were like: “Typical - Italians are too lazy to work!” When it came to negotiating an economic pact to help Europe start again, the countries who had said this the loudest held their purse-strings tight - after having locked down too late and hidden the truth about the casualties in their own countries. Convenient.

Italians are generally often seen as silly and not trustworthy. And nobody talks about how demeaning and disrespectful, and on the long run damaging, it is to portray us in such a stereotyped way which at best is good for a laugh. The prejudices stick, and they have destroyed or turned into a living hell many existences.

There are huge now discussions about banning films like e.g. Gone With the Wind due to its “clichéd portrayal of Blacks”. Nobody talks about abolishing The Godfather or other films of that kind although they contribute to the stigma that Italians are either all in league with the mafia, or easy-going, silly folks who sing and drink wine all day and have no idea of what hard work means. Most Italians have too much personal pride to victimize themselves and bo-hoo “the rest of the world just won’t understand us”. They love their country but that does not make them not blind to its shortcomings. I hope they stay that way. In any case, I intend to.

  3. The Actual Problem: Bullying

I can sympathize with anyone who comes out as trans because I know what it’s like to be bullied. I was bullied myself for many years due to my Italian origin as well as my upbringing while I had to live among persons who were on a lower social level than I. I was e.g. accused of being stuck-up and “inhibited”. I know now that the female bullies were envious of my self-esteem and insinuating that I was missing “fun”; while the males were counting on another girl being at any guy’s disposal for free and were angry when I didn’t let them have their way with me. 

The actual problem with any kind of intolerance and discrimination is bullying. Whatever form it takes, bullying is or ought to be unacceptable. Bullies will be bullies, they do not care who they harass and why: if they e.g. can be convinced to leave trans people alone, they will vent their frustrations and build up their self-image by bullying people who are fat or black or whatever. Except trans people won’t be there to witness that (unless by coincidence they are both trans and fat / black etc.) 

We live in a world that gives a great deal of importance on competitiveness; as a result, even in families, schools and other institutions that ought to educate children and youngsters to be respectful towards themselves and others, bullying is often not seen as such, or simply downplayed as “assertiveness”. Bullies do not want to hear reasonable argumentation and learn to be sympathetic: they want to show off their power, provoke an emotional reaction from their victims to see how far they can go, and gloat when they can hurt them. They will not change their minds and they will never be trustworthy, no matter how many discussions about your particular situation you have with them. 

To bullies, the world is a jungle where only the strongest have the right to survive; any attempt to make them rethink their attitude will only make them laugh at their victims’ alleged stupidity (because that’s what a humane, respectful attitude is to them) even more. The only language they understand is violence. If you are bullied, protect and, if you can, defend yourself; never try to discuss. Minorities were silent and subdued for such a long time with good reason: because they knew that the more they held their heads up and did not hide what made them different, the more targets they offered for bullies. No one ought to go in hiding because he is queer or black or Jewish etc., but sometimes it’s unavoidable simply for self-protection. I am almost fifty years old and I have never witnessed a nasty person changing for the better. If anything, they became worse, because every time they got away, they felt more superior than before.

Particularly sly bullies will make their victims believe that they have changed, maybe even pulling off the role “I’m a victim myself”. Please, please, whether you belong to a group of minorities or not: don’t listen to them. Ever. Maybe they once were victims, but it turned them into arseholes, and now they are sunk too far in their own filth to care. Compassion is a good thing, but it should never go as far as to delude yourself, endure abuse and sympathize until you become an object for compassion yourself.

For instance, I like wearing dresses, cooking and sewing and looking after my household. Fifty years ago, that would have made me a pattern housewife; nowadays, feminists would either want to strangle me or at least have a good laugh at my expense. This just goes to show how short-sighted any kind of prejudice and bullying is. Any human being ought to follow its own nature with a healthy self-esteem, and esteem others as well. But with our today’s view of the world we are supposed to be not altruistic and respectful but “strong” so that “we will make our way in life” (i.e. feed capitalism in any way we can); and nothing can make you feel “strong” more easily than finding someone who is allegedly weaker and pick on him. We are expected to be “winners”, and the first thing winners need are “losers” to serve them as a foil. The pool from which to choose is large.

  4. Who Is Subject to Intolerance Can’t Be Intolerant… Really?

For many years of my life, I always found myself a supporter of someone who was ostracized for one reason or another.

A woman who had left her husband. (It was the early Eighties.) A gay man. A girl who had been harassed by being called ugly. A woman who had been abused sexually by a family member. A woman from East Germany (I live in the West and there are lots of prejudices.)

For the record: these persons were of different age, origin, upbringing, social status, intellectual level and character, and they did not know one another.

I knew and supported them for years, listening, loyal, supportive, interested in their problems and personal development. I never attacked or criticized them. And each and every one of them sooner or later accused me of “not understanding them” and “being prejudiced towards them”. In the case of the abused woman this was particularly unfair because I have been abused myself in my family, though psychically and not sexually. The divorced woman, my own mother, viciously accused me of lying and being in league with her ex-husband after I had been loyal only to her for entire decades.

It appears these people only were my “friends” as long as I told them what they wanted to hear. When I suffered, I was put off with “pull yourself together”. Like I had no problems, because the only people in the world having problems were them. Thank you very much. So, I was supposed to accept their growing insolence due to their being such poor victims, while from their point of view I deserved neither understanding nor respect.

Only recently, in the aftermath of the riots caused by the killing of George Floyd, I posted a comment on a video on youtube… guess what. I was immediately attacked by a black woman saying that my “stupid remark” just went to prove how a white person would never understand “things like these”. She had not even read my post carefully enough to understand what I actually wanted to say, she simply felt entitled to offend me.

I do not say that I dislike trans people or that they are bad, I’m sure there are as many good or bad people among them as anywhere. If someone says e.g. that though born with male organs they identify as female that is their very own affair. I must not like it or understand it. Tolerance means leaving other people alone to do as they please. Any person is “bad” only the moment they behave badly towards others; being different from the mainstream does not count.

But when I have to watch and read people nowadays defending trans or gays or blacks or some other minority, believing to be being open-minded or particularly noble and heroic by supporting them, all I can say is that I have been there and it did me no good. I won’t get caught up in another wave of “minority tolerance”: in my experience, it’s a waste of time. Many of those who now proudly burn their Harry Potter books and proclaim that they will no longer support the author, respectively that they “love Harry Potter but love trans people more” will make the experiences I made. Except they most probably won’t talk about that, because these experiences are so humiliating.

Minorities of any kind do not want to be supported, understood and defended by people who are not in their shoes: it hurts their personal pride. Which I can understand, although it’s a lame excuse for being mean to the very persons whom they expect help and support from. They will tend to envy the ones who do not have their problems due to being white / straight / cis etc., and consequently turn a blind eye to the fact that these can have huge problems of their own. Many of them expect their supporters not only to understand them but to support them enthusiastically at every turn, and if these don’t, (or if there is the slightest reason for them to assume that they don’t) these “victims” will feel entitled to be offended and become vicious aggressors, with a whole fan club behind them protecting their backs and convinced of promoting a honorable cause.

I am fed up with being tolerant. It seems you can hardly do anything anymore without offending someone: watching Disney movies or old classics, wearing a pink dress, calling a woman a woman instead of woman / trans / cis / non-binary etc. There is always someone who will point to these things saying why they’re not right.

I’m sorry but clichés, prejudices and stereotypes can’t be totally avoided: the human brain is not wired to know all facts about everything and everyone. What you can do is teach children and adolescents to be respectful towards everybody, even if they don’t like a particular person or group. Nobody has the right to force you to like everybody and to agree with every life style. But it seems the world has become full of people who seem to have nothing better to do but feel personally offended at the drop of a hat and make a fuss about how hurt their feelings are. Helping someone out who is in a difficult situation is not the same as catering to the keyed-up hysterics of some entitled brat. Seeing the difference between these two can be quite difficult because the latter often show their true face only after years and years, when they realize that for some reason or other, they can no longer squeeze you out for their personal benefit giving nothing back.

Who follows my account is aware that I did not like The Rise of Skywalker. Heaven knows I wrote enough about it. But I did not and will not harass the studios twittering, mailing, making youtube videos etc. ranting and raving about what rubbish it supposedly is for years, like the haters of The Last Jedi. Listening to them, one would think their whole reason for living had been destroyed on purpose. We most probably largely have to thank them for the Episode IX disaster, the flattest and most uninteresting Star Wars film ever made; not to mention the harassment the actress Kelly Marie Tran was subject to. Anyone has the right to dislike the development the authors chose for the saga, but for heaven’s sake: after all, it’s just a movie. If such a relatively insignificant thing can be hyped up like this, I don’t want to know what’s in store coming from people who feel offended for much more personal reasons, like race or gender.

Tolerance cannot be one-sided; it cannot mean that whatever one side wants does not have to be reasonable or useful, but they are entitled to scream and yell until the other side gives in. (If for no other reason than to satisfy them so they will finally shut it.)

  Conclusions (I did warn you…)

I. Hogwarts is not my world

Hogwarts is supposed to sound like a dream come true, but I never liked the idea of a “school” where pupils, who are still children and adolescents, are taught spells and engaged in games and tournaments where they have to risk life and limb. These facts are commonly overlooked, I guess, because “the heroes” usually don’t get hurt. The heroes overcome their traumata but do not get wiser from them, on the contrary: their suffering is supposed to make them seem nobler so that we will root for them more. Harry loses his parents before he could get to know them; his adoptive family mistreats him, but he doesn’t care about them; Cedric dies in his stead, but they were not close friends; Dumbledore dies when Harry was getting too old for a father figure; Snape dies, but Harry never liked him either. The list could go on. Harry always remains an innocent; he never gets to look into a metaphorical mirror where he has to see all of the bad that is inside of him, his darker sides are always projected and personified by someone else. (When he does look into a metaphorical mirror in the first book and movie, he finds out that the Philosopher’s stone is, magically, in his pocket. How convenient.)

I can’t invest emotionally in a fictional character who stands out before having earned or deserved it. Harry is like a Chosen One who skips the hero’s journey: from an abusive household, he is catapulted into a whole new world made of mystery and wonder, where he immediately is singled out, admired before he lifts a finger, unexplainably lucky, awed due to his heritage, envied by who is not as special as he. Harry remains untainted by own sins because other people do the dirty work for him; which seems ok because they are, for one reason or another, uncool - Dumbledore = old, Ron = weak / foolish, Hermione / Snape = unpleasant, his parents = dead, and so on. Yes, Harry sometimes makes mischief, but people usually cut him slack because of his past as an abused child, his parent’s tragic death, and his undefinable power that makes him resist the Evil One. The Dursleys, Snape and Draco don’t tolerate him, which is why they are coded as villains or at least very disagreeable characters. How do you recognize a villain in these stories? Simple, he’s being mean to Harry. Everybody else gives him special treatment because you don’t want to upset the person whom you expect to defeat the ultimate villain. I always found his character bland and uninteresting. We e.g. learned why Snape was so lonely and bitter, but not why Harry was so “good” although he had grown up unloved, in an abusive household, until he was eleven. 

For decades now Harry Potter fandoms and clubs gather all over the world proudly proclaiming that they are something really special and not like “them Muggles”. No wonder these stories are so popular with who feels misunderstood and downtrodden. Wouldn’t it be nice to be born with capacities ordinary people can’t even dream of? When maybe you’re just a common person, shocking thought. Nowadays, if you want to be someone outstanding, make it up in your mind and it automatically becomes true. And if you identify with the protagonist, you get to be a hero before you did anything special into the bargain. Harry is a victim of other person’s sins and / or blunders and his story is about unfolding the details of his victimhood and correcting them so he gets his happy ending. We are supposed to sympathize with this: well, I can’t. Victimhood and alleged inborn virtue are insufficient to make a protagonist “overcome his trials” and emerge triumphantly over his sidekicks or enemies, without any real loss on his side, while they get killed or, at best, ridiculed. And I will not pick up the part of that sidekick any more.

 II. Feminism Is Not My World

While I am an advocate for women’s independence, I do not identify as a feminist. I have an independent nature: that does not mean I am or should be ashamed of being a lady. This where we live is the era of the tomboys, of the feisty, cool, tough females. And often they don’t just go their own way but feel entitled to scorn women who do have their own job and live with a man who respects them, but also like the color pink, pretty clothes, flowers, romantic stories and everything else the new wave feminism likes to dismiss as “brainwashing”. Today you can hardly let your daughter watch a Disney movie without being accused of undermining her identity with false ideas about womanhood because, oh wonder, it seems a “real woman” must think and act like a badass guy.

Louder for the feminists in the back: you can actually look and behave in a way that is coded as “female” and be intelligent, independent and self-respecting. Women who went their own way have existed in every age and culture, often making great achievements and changing the world around them; they were intelligent, compassionate and took matters into their own hands. They did not proclaim that they unfairly were victims of men: they knew how to make men respect them. Being a woman is not a stereotype thrust upon you, it’s natural. If someone rejects qualities that are identified as “female”, it’s their very own affair. If I wanted to return the offense, I might as easily say that “feminists” and “empowered females” are just too smug to do the dishes.

 III. Trans, cis, binary etc. is not my world

For millennia, people had to accept the sex they were born with. Now you can have surgery and take hormones to get rid of a problem which you can’t solve on your own. Sorry, but I can’t get my head around it: to me the gender diversity discussion is unnatural. Good and right things are always the same, they cannot change with time and “scientifical / medical progress”. Tomboyish females and same-sex lovers are as old as the world, but it’s only a few decades since you can surgically have your sex changed if you feel uncomfortable with it, and even less time since you can claim the right to be both male and female or not to choose any sex at all. Excuse me, what’s behind it? Fear of missing out? I know, nowadays we are supposed to “change the stars”, but excuse me, it’s not possible. Rowling did not change the stars: as I wrote above, she got lucky.

I can say from own experience that for healthy growth a person needs limits. It is not “tolerant”, in my opinion, to say that one can be male or female or binary or none of that, all by choice. If I raise a child calling it a boy because he was born with male organs, or by Catholic standards because I am a Catholic myself, I believe no one has the right to say that I am intruding into its personality. I would be intolerant if said child would later come out to me e.g. as trans or atheist and I would dismiss its identification and opinion as a matter of principle, or disown it altogether. Rejecting rules and values is like pretending that it is wrong to be e.g. female, or straight, or that Catholic values are rubbish. None of that is true. It is true that a trans or gay or atheist or Buddhist etc. is not automatically an immoral or inferior person.

I can accept other people’s choices about their gender identification; that doesn’t mean I must like or support their mindset. It doesn’t automatically make me “transphobic”. If it is intrusive or intolerant to say that someone is male because he was born with male organs, what will come next? Will “normal” females no longer be entitled to protect their most intimate privacy because any guy can share our private space, like a public toilet or dress room, claiming he’s a woman (and he might well not be trans, but a lying voyeur?) Will we no longer give our children male or female names? Not teach them any values? No longer send them to kindergarten, to school, maybe not even feed or clothe them or furnish their nurseries according to our own judgement, because the poor babies can’t choose by themselves yet?

We all did not choose to be born in the first place.

If you want to protect your children from suffering, don’t have them: suffering is a part of life. Trans is not my world. I don’t want to destroy it or to behave rudely towards it; I simply do not want to have part in it. I want people to care for me, and to do so because I am me, not because I come out with this or another sexual orientation or make myself an advocate for people who belong to this or another minority.

All of the above is why I will not jump on the current “I defend minorities” respectively “I defend downtrodden victims” train. The good part is that I don’t have any Harry Potter book or merchandise I could burn anyway. 😊

Anyone who is uncomfortable with my point of view can unfollow me. Bullies will be blocked and reported without further ado. Greetings from a notorious Muggle.

[malkaviansyndromes]

i was inspired by quimton so i did the 93 question meme for lestat :)

1. What is their gender? male, but like, gay rat male

2. What is their sexuality? men

3. What is the meaning behind their name? Do they have any nicknames? it’s from iwtv, which he never read, he was an edgy goth weirdo and thought it sounded cool. erin calls him a rat but he doesn't have any actual nicknames

4. Do they have any siblings? How many? Are they older or younger?  Which sibling are they the closest with? he doesn't have any siblings but will try to adopt younger friends as "siblings" 5. What’s their relationship with their parents like? What about other relatives? when he was alive his relationship with his dad was...Not great. aside from his mom he didn't talk to his family. his sire is dead lol

6. What would they give their life for? his friends or husband probably, if it had to be anything

7. Are they in a romantic relationship? With who? How did they meet? yes! he's in a relationship with märchen and has been for a while; mär found him shortly after his embrace and made sure he was accepted into the camarilla rather than getting axed for being an illegitimate fledgling.

8. What do they believe will happen to them after they die? Does this belief scare them? he has no idea and doesn't really want to think about it

9. What is their favorite color? Favorite animal? probably some sort of hideous tie between black and pastel pink. he likes cats

10. What are some of their talents/skills? he can draw, and also has a decent head for computer science and math

11. If they could make a mark on history, what would they like it to be? he would want to either be part of some massive political change to keep people from suffering, or solve the problem of quantum gravity

12. How old are they? When is their birthday? 23! he was born on march 5th

13. What do they do for fun? video games. eat a bunch. annoy his friends. he's a simple man

14. What is their favorite food? How often do they get to eat it? cheeseburgers...his husband lets him eat food any time he wants even though it's disgusting and bad for him since he's a vampire

15. What was something their parents taught them? nothing really specific beyond to be the terrible way he is now

16. Are they religious? sort of?

17. Where were they born? illinois unfortunately

18. What languages can they speak? Where did they learn these languages? english is his native language. he took french in high school and lost most of it, and has tried to pick up a little german from his husband and online. he knows a pitiful amount of japanese but only out loud, surprisingly not from anime so much as listening to tons of japanese music with subs

19. What is their occupation? idiot. he does odd jobs for the anarchs and helps with their computer shit sometimes

20. Do they have any titles? How did they earn them? nope

Personality: 21. What is their favorite thing about their personality? that he cares about shit

22. What is their least favorite thing about their personality? he has bad self esteem so a lot of things

23. Do they get lonely easily? YES but he's also a bit of a hermit socially

24. Do you know their MBTI type? no i used to

25. What is their biggest flaw? probably having a bad temper and making snap judgements

26. Are they aware of their flaws? So Much All The Time

27. What is their biggest strength? he's pretty empathetic

28. Are they aware of their strengths? he denies they exist

29. How would they describe their own personality? "awful little animal"

30. When frightened, will they resort to “fight” or “flight”? freeze probably, but flight if that doesn't count as an answer

31. Does this character ever put somebody else’s needs before their own? Who do they do this for? How often do they do this? yes, for pretty much anyone he likes even a little, and very very frequently

32. What is their self esteem like? BAD

33. What is their biggest fear? How would they react to having to face it? losing the people he cares about. he would Give Up On Life if he was alone

34. How easily do they trust others with their secrets? With their lives? weird little guy who is extremely paranoid but simultaneously too trusting. he tries to ignore his misgivings to give people the benefit of the doubt, doesn't always end well for him

35. What is the easiest way to annoy them? don't listen to anything he says. if he's being ignored in a conversation he will be furious

36. What is their sense of humor like? Give an example of a joke they would find humorous. "penis music," basically any joke about communism, horribly deep fried memes

37. How easy is it for them to say “I love you”? Do they say it without meaning it? he says it easily and a often, but not without meaning it unless he wants to feel guilty enough to vomit

38. What do others admire most about their personality? erin says "his friendly personality and jokes and level head when it comes to important things"

39. What does their happily ever after look like? having a normal life without being afraid of poverty or being alone

40. Who do they trust most? Is that trust mutual? probably erin and märchen, so yes

Physical Profile: 41. What does their laugh sound like? Do they snort when they laugh? How often do they laugh? he cackles like an awful little witch every once in a while

42. What is their favorite thing about their physical appearance? his anime heterochromia

43. What is their least favorite thing about their physical appearance? looking like he's 12

44. Do they have any scars? If so, what are the stories behind those scars? he has a scar on his eyebrow from when he was 2 and tried to climb a bookshelf and it fell on him and he had to get stitches. also....some less funny ones

45. How would they describe their own appearance? "bad" or “sexy” no in between

46. How easily can they express emotions? How easily can they hide emotions? he can express them well but hates to do it. he is way too good at hiding them

47.  What’s their pain tolerance like? he's a little wimpy but trudges through it

48. Do they have any tattoos? What are the stories behind those tattoos? no tats!

49. Do they have any piercings? just his ears

50. How would you describe their style of clothing? How would they describe their style of clothing? we would both call it "hot topic dumpster dive"

51. What is their height? Weight? 5'0", haha that's secret

52. What is their body type? Are they muscular, chubby, skinny, etc? a little round and chubby

53. What is their hair color? Eye color? Skin tone? his hair is actually a light golden brown but he dyes it black. his eyes are grey-blue (he doesn't always like the color) but one of them is red now due to damage during his embrace. he's pale as fuck

54. What is their current hairstyle? What have been some of their past hairstyles? Which was their favorite hairstyle? current hairstyle is a very short half-buzzed kind of thing, which he likes best. he's also had it normal short. up until he was like 16 or 17 he had it very long

55. What is their alcohol tolerance like? What kind of drunk are they? How bad are their hangovers? PITIFUL, he's an extreme lightweight. cuddly drunk or sad drunk. his threshhold for hangovers is high but they're abysmal when he gets them

56. What do they smell like? Why do they smell like this? (Is it the things they’re around or a perfume they wear?) he smells like cheap soap and cigarette smoke thanks to being in the last round often. sometimes he wears body sprays

57. How do they feel about sex? Are they a virgin? a lot of complicated ways. unfortunately he has had sex and will do it again

58. What is their most noticeable physical attribute? his height, he's VERY short

59. What does their resting face look like? Do they have RBF? he has just a little bit of RBF but mostly neutral

60. Describe the way they sleep. he steals all the blankets and is a sleep cuddler. he refuses to put his nine fucking thousand stuffed animals anywhere but ON his bed

Environment: 61. Which season is their favorite season? he says summer up until it's actually summer. he likes spring and fall

62. Have they ever been betrayed? How did it affect their ability to trust others? yeah, he's had some complicated experiences with friends and family. he isn't always trusting but usually consciously decides to trust anyway because he generally thinks it's irrational not to without a reason. this often backfires on him

63. What is always guaranteed to make them smile? his friends or husband cracking jokes

64. Do they get cold easily? Do they get overheated easily? yes and yes, at least when he was alive. he had reynaud's syndrome when he was alive so he got dangerously cold in his hands and feet Very easily

65. What’s their immune system like? Do they get sick often? How do they react to getting sick? he's dead now so he doesn't get sick at all, but when he was alive he would generally try to plod through it until he couldn't anymore

66. Where do they live? Do they like it there? los angeles. sort of? big cities are exciting to him, but only to visit, so living in one 24/7 is probably driving him crazy (or crazier)

67. Is their bedroom messy? What about their bathroom? Kitchen? Living room? he tries to keep things a LITTLE tidy but generally every space he maintains on his own is some level of disastrously disorganized

68. How did their environment growing up affect their personality? his parents were broke, so in terms of environment, being anywhere much swankier than a lower middle class house makes his eyes fall out of his head

69. How did the people in their environment growing up affect their personality? he was raised to tough it out and show as little emotion as possible in regards to All Life which is the real reason he treats absolutely everything like a joke

70. How do they feel about animals? Do they have any pets? he loves animals. his husband has a ghoul cat that violently hates both of them

71. How are they with children? Do they have any? Do they want any? he's okay with them, but a little awkward. he would rather jump off a cliff than have any though

72.  Would they rather have stability or comfort? he'd rather have somewhere to turn to than live in a stable environment if the stability was along the lines of "everything is consistently uncomfortable"? i don't really get this question lol

73. Do they prefer the indoors or outdoors? indoors a little but he does still like the outdoors

74. What weather is their favorite? Do they like storms? very sunny weather (sad for a vampire). he does like snow and rain, but only if he can stay in

75. If given a blank piece of paper, a pencil, and nothing to do, what would happen? he'd probably draw his husband lol

76. How organized are they? he has never been and will never be anything even remotely close to organized

77. What is their most prized possession? the teddy bear his mother passed down to him from when she was a kid

78. Who do they consider to be their best friend? erin :3

79. What is their economic situation? not great. he's very broke; his husband has a little more money than he does and helps support him, but the two of them have to watch their pennies for sure. lestat usually lives with his husband but stays at his own abysmal apartment/haven on occasion just for vampire paranoia safety reasons.

80. Are they a morning person or a night owl? night owl, which is lucky for him

Miscellaneous: 81. Are they bothered by the sight of blood? not blood on its own, no

82. What is their handwriting like? extremely messy

83. Can they swim? How well? Do they like to swim? he can swim okay. he really likes it

84. Which deadly sin do they represent best? wrath probably

85. Do they believe in ghosts? he would have to be stupid not to at this point

86. How do they celebrate holidays? How do they celebrate birthdays? with food, usually, which makes his being a vampire kind of difficult. he likes to celebrate birthdays with presents and cake. if he and his husband weren't vampires he'd bake mär a cake every year

87. What is something they regret? probably the way he acted when he was in the camarilla, it wasn't particularly pretty because he was very, VERY upset about his embrace. he regrets having to have killed people to escape, and also regrets the weirdness of having to let go of most of his mortal friends

88. Do they have an accent? if you consider boring midwestern nothing voice an accent. 89. What is their D&D alignment?

chaotic good 90. Are they right or left handed? right handed

91. If they were a tweet, what tweet would they be? there are so many tweets in the world. probably the one about revving your motorcycle and lying dead on the pavement

92. Describe them as a John Mulaney gif. why would you assume i have enough of these on hand to do that?

93. What’s the most iconic line of dialogue they’ve ever said? he says stupid shit all the time it's hard to know

[antiloveenergy]

Obey Me! MC Introduction—Ava.

MC Character Sheet idea — courtesy of @luciferasmr ♡ thank u sm!

i have many depictions of her but i chose this one. courtesy of picrew.

Name: Aveline Mille-Feuille de Poivre et Cornelia

Nickname (if any): Ava (pronounced ah-VA. she’s the type to correct you every time.) 

Age: 19

Height: 5′4

Weight: ~130 lbs

Race: Human 

Gender: Female

Birthday: 1st February

Star Sign: Aquarius

Hair color: Ivory/Light blonde

Eye color: Lilac

Skin tone: Pale white

Which sin are they like?

1. Pride

2. Greed

3. Gluttony

4. Wrath

5. Lust

6. Sloth

7. Envy

Personality Traits: Ava is a mild-mannered and soft-spoken girl. I like to think she is the traditional Aquarian. She prides herself in being intelligent and having the ability to view things objectively. She comes off a little frosty, sporting a bored facial expression and preferring to let her friends do the talking for her. However, she is very friendly and honest to a fault. Ava is also very sensitive, even though she never likes to show her feelings. When she is comfortable with you, you’ll notice how eccentric she actually is. 

Background: Ava was born in Paris, France, in a (fictional) 21st Arrondissement known as Royaume—meaning realm, in French. This district separates magic from non-magic humans. She was born to a family of noble sorcerers, the Mille-Feuille family. (ENG pron. meal-foy) She recently graduated from the Young Sorcerers Academy, a distinguished wizarding school within Paris. Although she is an Honors graduate, she is considered a Rookie Sorcerer and must continue her studies outside of school. This is a firm expectation of her mother, who emphasizes that her magic sophistication is more important than anything else in her life. Ava develops a hidden resentment for her mother because of her lack of freedom. 

Why were they chosen for Devildom?: I like to think her “kidnapping” to the Devildom was for her sake. Not only does she get to experience a world outside the “realm” of the magical district, she also has the opportunity to study demonic dark arts and form alliances with the most powerful demons in the Devildom. Maybe that will shut her doting mother up, no?  

Hobbies: Ava has a keen interest in sewing and embroidery, as well as fashion. Designing, couture, modelling, the whole nine. She’s French, so it’s inevitable that her modish style would be influenced by what she sees in her world every day. She also likes to collect jewelry and stuffed animals. 

Likes: Accessories of Sanrio characters (& other copyrighted animal friends), chemistry, truffles, thigh high boots. 

Dislikes: Being told what to do, people disagreeing with her, the food of the Devildom. 

Appearance

Casual Clothing: Ava’s everyday clothing is usually a white or black fitted turtleneck. This is paired with a denim or black bodycon skirt and thigh high boots. This simple outfit is paired with a pendant, bracelet and a hairpin.  Although she does have plenty of clothes, being in the Devildom limits her selection of wardrobe. 

Top: ♡ , ☾

Bottoms: ♡ , ☾

Shoes: ♡, ☾

Accessories (if any): ♡, ☾, ☆, ♢

Glasses?: She does not need reading glasses

Uniform: So when Ava first received her RAD uniform, she thought it was ugly. It was the typical uniform with trousers and the coat, you know the drill. When she requested to alter her uniform, Lucifer almost objected to it but Lord Diavolo didn’t seem to mind, as long as the adornishments of the blazer weren’t manipulated. 

Any alterations to their uniform? If so, what?: She decided to elongate the coat and put some light padding underneath to emulate a dress. She also cinched it to fit more tight on her waistline. It reached to her mid-thighs, and maintained its proper buttons and things. With the trousers, she cut them by leg and constructed them into knee-high boots. The process was lengthy (and expensive), but it was done. She pairs this fit with a white frilly blouse underneath the blazer-dress.

Family

Mother: Lady Cornelia Savarin (neé Mille-Feuille), a noble sorcerer and the eldest of the 5 Mille-Feuille daughters. Her appearance is icy, with long ash grey hair paired with sharp baby blue eyes. She seems to never smile. Very bourgie and exudes royal energy 24/7. Cornelia loves her daughter dearly, but she wants to mold her into the woman she grew up to be: Powerful, well-respected, etc.

Father: Duke Poivre Savarin. He was born to a neighboring family of sorcerers. Messy blonde hair and lavender eye color—where Ava gets her looks from. These days, he has abandoned his magic and is currently on a 100-acre farm in the South of France. Ava still has no idea as to why he chose to ditch his life in Royaume. Rumor has it that he committed wrongful acts and fled, others speculate that the Mille-Feuille family disowned him as an in-law. Maybe he just wants to raise cows and chickens. Nonetheless, Ava keeps some contact with her father. 

Siblings (if any): None. 

Pets?: Ava owns a chinchilla named Bisou, which she obtained while in the Devildom. Satan was the one who brought her and suggested she get a chinchilla. (Lucifer may not approve of having a pet in the house, while also having a massive three-headed hellhound...)

How many friends does your MC have?: While her stay at RAD, she became friends with three low-ranking demon girls: Cléo (ex-human), Bianca (a succubus) and Lolita (a divination witch). 

Ava and Cléo have met previously when the latter attended the same school as Ava. However, Cléo’s destructive tendencies got her banished into Hell indefinitely. (long story short she committed domestic terrorism by releasing demonic spirits into the city and possessing a shit ton of people.) 

Past relationships: N/A

Has your MC had a relationship before?: As a child she may have had a boyfriend, but that barely counts, right?

Have they been in love?: Nope. Whenever she does though, she will go insane. 

How easy do they gain crushes?: Not very easy, to be honest. She tends to be impersonal to people she is not friends with. In a crush, Ava typically keeps people at a distance, especially if she finds herself ‘feeling different’ when she’s around them. 

Do they believe in love?: She absolutely believes in love, especially monogamous love. She takes it extremely seriously, making any romantic relationship she finds herself in a slow-pacing one. “The strength of your heart compromises the one of your mind, so why would you give your heart so easy?” she would say.

What’s their type? A confident, intelligent person. Someone that can stimulate her mentally and provide her with devotion. Someone adventurous and sporadic, who is willing to show her a different side to them. 

Sexuality: Ava is heterosexual but she came to the conclusion that women provide more emotional comfort. 

Which one of the 7 brothers does your MC like the most? okay this is hard one. it’s a tie between Asmodeus and Satan. 

Why? Asmodeus, because she got along with him first. They have shared values in beauty and fashion, so it was easy for them to find common ground. She can show off her hobbies and have Asmo be receptive to it. Satan, because they’re both Intellectuals™ and can have a good debate with their big juicy brains. She also likes to compete with him to see who receives the better marks in school. 

What traits do they look for in a partner? Dignified, loyal, smart, soft-hearted, sincere, masculine, and protective. 

General

Favorite food: Chocolate covered anything. Berries, nuts, lizards, beetles, anything! She also loves anything with cheese on it. 

Least favorite: Chips. Too salty.

Favorite topic in school: Science and Magic Studies

Least favorite topic: English 

Favorite color: White

Least favorite color: Red

Do they like to be sociable or are they more of a recluse? Ava’s more introverted, but she finds herself to be more sociable in a group.

Favorite movie genre? Fantasy 

Do they read a lot or no? Yes, if you count spellbooks and magazines!

Favorite animal: Rodents (i.e, chinchillas, squirrels and ferrets etc.)

Favorite genre of music: She likes French pop from the 60s. This is her favorite song. ♡ she also likes R&B and some rap, introduced by her friends.

Least favorite genre: Acoustics. She prefers the electric guitar over the wooden ones. 

Do they like sweets? Yes! The namesake of her last name is a popular dessert, so it’s no doubt that she loves anything pastry and sugary. 

Do they like spicy food? Not as much as she likes sweets. She does like red pepper flakes in the inedible Devildom cuisine, if the taste calls for it.

Do they like school? Ava is a dork so she loves school. When she found out she was returning to an academy, she wasn’t that upset about it. This gave her an opportunity to learn more, outperform her peers, and go back to the school atmosphere.

Pet peeves: When people don’t match their clothes, when people question her, anything that she cannot put logical reasoning to, and clutter. 

[pettishrew]

MIND MY WICKED WORDS AND TIPSY TOPSY SLURS; I CAN’T TAKE THIS PLACE, NO, I CAN’T TAKE THIS PLACE.

𝖖 𝖚 𝖔 𝖙 𝖊 𝖘

i don’t feel very human anymore. —7:59 pm 4/28/15; l.m.

Where did you get those big eyes? My mother. And where did you get those lips? My mother. And the loneliness? My mother. And that broken heart? My mother. And the absence, where did you get that? My father. —Inheritance, Warsan Shire

“And I’m a master of speaking silently—all my life I’ve spoken silently and I’ve lived through entire tragedies in silence.”— The Meek One, Fyodor Dostoevsky

How do you move on? You move on when your heart finally understands that there is no turning back. —J.R.R. Tolkien

“There are no permanent friends, only permanent interests”

UNTIL LIONS HAVE THEIR OWN HISTORIANS, THE STORY OF THE HUNT WILL ALWAYS GLORIFY THE HUNTER.— Chinua Achebe

“Self-hatred is only ever a seed planted from outside in. But when you do that to a child, it becomes a weed so thick, and it grows so fast, the child doesn’t know any different. It becomes as natural as gravity.”— Hannah Gadsby, Nanette

You got to take a deep breath and give up. The system is rigged against you. Bo Burnham

𝖇 𝖆 𝖘 𝖎 𝖈

NAME: Peter Thomas Pettigrew NICKNAMES: Pete, Wormtail, or Wormy AGE: Twenty BIRTHDAY: August 22nd GENDER: Male PRONOUNS: He / Him

𝖋 𝖆 𝖒 𝖎 𝖑 𝖞

MOTHER: Enid Pettigrew. 47. Alive. FATHER: Sean Morivan. 52. Status Unknown. SIBLINGS: None

𝖕 𝖍 𝖞 𝖘 𝖎 𝖈 𝖆 𝖑 𝖆𝖙𝖙𝖗𝖎𝖇𝖚𝖙𝖊𝖘

FACE CLAIM: Alex Wolff BUILD: Moderately Overweight HAIR:  In need of a haircut. Curly and unkempt. HAIR COLOR: Brunette. In the summertime, it gets a golden, almost colorless hue. EYE COLOR: Brown SKIN COLOR: Light with olive undertones DOMINANT HAND: Right ANOMALIES: He has a birthmark on his left shoulder.  His skin freckles in the summer. He also has faint scars on the inside of both of his forearms. He also has a small tattoo on the outside of his right thigh. Peter got it on a dare and it looks like ( x ) SCENT:  He often smells like chocolate or peppermint. Mostly because those are the last things they would have eaten. ACCENT: British. More of the cockney nature than anything else. ALLERGIES: He is moderately allergic to dairy. Not enough to stop him of course, but enough to make him uncomfortable if he eats too much of it. DISORDERS: N / A FASHION: Peter wears whatever is comfortable and fits for the most part. He does tend to stick to neutral colors, like black, grey, and beige. He doesn’t like to draw attention to himself. NERVOUS TICS: He stutters when he’s nervous. He also rubs the back of his neck when he’s uncomfortable. QUIRKS: His quirks are identical to his nervous tics. One doesn’t often happen without the other.

𝖑 𝖎 𝖋 𝖊 𝖘 𝖙 𝖞 𝖑 𝖊

RESIDES: Plainview Point Apartments BORN: St. Mungo’s RAISED: A little outside of London PETS: A Tawny Owl named Eros

CAREER: Obliviator EXPERIENCE: 2+ years in the position EMPLOYER: The Ministry of Magic

POLITICAL AFFILIATION: The Order BELIEFS: Peter doesn’t believe strictly in anything. MISDEMEANORS: None FELONIES: None DRUGS: None SMOKES: Tobacco, and occasionally Marijuana ALCOHOL: Infrequently DIET: Poor

LANGUAGES: English, Welsh, and some Italian

PHOBIAS: Death or Serious Injury. HOBBIES: Reading and Baking. TRAITS: { + }: forgiving, analytical, easy-going, optimistic { - }: fearful, cunning, indecisive, meek

𝖋 𝖆 𝖛 𝖔 𝖗 𝖎 𝖙 𝖊 𝖘

LOCATION: Anywhere that is small, where Peter feels like no one can get to him. SPORTS TEAM: Ireland GAME: Wizard’s Chess. MUSIC: He doesn’t care much for music. If he does listen to it it’s softer sounding music, that’s almost wistful. MOVIES: Star Wars: Episode IV - A New Hope 1980. Alien is a close second. FOOD: Anything sweet. Peter’s sweet tooth is insatiable. BEVERAGE: Pumpkin Juice or soda. COLOR: Pale Yellow

𝖒 𝖆 𝖌 𝖎 𝖈

ALUMNI HOUSE: Gryffindor WAND: UNICORN: Unicorn hair generally produces the most consistent magic, and is least subject to fluctuations and blockages. Wands with unicorn cores are generally the most difficult to turn to the Dark Arts. They are the most faithful of all wands, and usually remain strongly attached to their first owner, irrespective of whether he or she was an accomplished witch or wizard. Minor disadvantages of unicorn hair are that they do not make the most powerful wands (although the wand wood may compensate) and that they are prone to melancholy if seriously mishandled, meaning that the hair may ‘die’ and need replacing. FIR: My august grandfather, Gerbold Octavius Ollivander, always called wands of this wood ‘the survivor’s wand,’ because he had sold it to three wizards who subsequently passed through mortal peril unscathed. There is no doubt that this wood, coming as it does from the most resilient of trees, produces wands that demand staying power and strength of purpose in their true owners, and that they are poor tools in the hands of the changeable and indecisive. Fir wands are particularly suited to Transfiguration, and favor owners of focused, strong-minded and, occasionally, intimidating demeanor. 9 1/2 Inches and unyielding. AMORTENTIA: Chocolate, Peppermint, Garlic, and Old Books. PATRONUS: He cannot produce one. BOGGART: Prior to the war it had been his mother dying. He truly doesn’t know what he would do without her. However, since the war has begun his Boggart is Lord Voldemort.

𝖈 𝖍 𝖆 𝖗 𝖆 𝖈 𝖙 𝖊 𝖗

MORAL ALIGNMENT: True Neutral MBTI: INTP

INTPs are often thoroughly engaged in their own thoughts, and usually, appear to others to be offbeat and unconventional. The INTP’s mind is the most active place, and their inward orientation can mean that they neglect superficial things like home décor or appropriate clothing. They don’t tend to bother with small talk but can become downright passionate when talking about science, mathematics, computers, or the larger theoretical problems of the universe. Reality is often of only passing interest to the Architect, as they are more interested in the theory behind it all.INTPs are typically precise in their speech and communicate complex ideas with carefully chosen words. They insist on intellectual rigor in even the most casual of conversations, and will readily point out inconsistencies of thought or reasoning. Social niceties may fall by the wayside for an INTP who is more interested in analyzing logic, and they may offend others by smallmitting their dearly held values and beliefs to logical scrutiny. Trivia: - more likely than other types to study a foreign language  - most frequent type among college students committing alcohol and drug policy violations - have the lowest level of coping resources of all the types - one of the types least likely to believe in a spiritual power - highest of all types in career dissatisfaction in school have lower grades than would be -- predicted by aptitude scores - more likely than average to complete engineering programs - personal values include autonomy, freedom, and independence - Overrepresented among working MBA students - Commonly found in science and technical occupations - famous intps: albert einstein, abraham lincoln, marie curie, and charles darwin

MBTI ROLE:  The Architect or the Logician ENNEAGRAM: Type Five ENNEAGRAM ROLE:

The Observer: Fives are alert, insightful, and curious. They are able to concentrate and focus on developing complex ideas and skills. Independent, innovative, and inventive, they can also become preoccupied with their thoughts and imaginary constructs. They become detached, yet high-strung and intense. They typically have problems with eccentricity, nihilism, and isolation. At their Best: visionary pioneers, often ahead of their time, and able to see the world in an entirely new way.

TEMPERAMENT:

Melancholic. The melancholic temperament is fundamentally introverted and thoughtful. Melancholic people often were perceived as very (or overly) pondering and considerate, getting rather worried when they could not be on time for events. Melancholics can be highly creative in activities such as poetry and art - and can become preoccupied with the tragedy and cruelty in the world. Often they are perfectionists. They are self-reliant and independent; one negative part of being a melancholic is that they can get so involved in what they are doing they forget to think of others.

WESTERN ZODIAC:

Leo With the Sun approaching the end of Leo, August 22nd has its peak in creativity and our childish need to present our inner being and express ourselves. This is an emotional date when passions need to be calmed in order for us to swim out of them with a clear mind and a plan we can hold on to, so our dreams can be reached. Those born at this time are connected to others on a different level than the rest of Leo representatives and feel a constant need to set free from ego battles and follow their hearts.

CHINESE ZODIAC:

Year of the Rat The Metal Rat are honest, frank, and optimistic, and will not get depressed no matter how terrible the situation is. They have a quick respond and strong environmental adaptability. They treat people kindly. But most of the people born in 1960 year of the Rat are self-centered. They always think of themselves first. They are impatient, suspicious and kind of vain.

PRIMAL SIGN:

Otter: Social, funny, and outgoing, those born under the sign of the Otter use their warmth and charm as their primary tool in navigating life. Like their animal namesake, members of this sign are clever, feisty, and gregarious. They usually spend a lot of time grooming themselves for their looks are of great importance to them. They are not terribly territorial either, preferring to sleep where their adventure takes them for the night. A nice home will eventually be required, but a young Otter can travel the world for years without getting too homesick. Otters like to be in charge. This way they can not only get what they want, but receive attention and respect while doing so. They can occasionally behave somewhat self-centered and egotistical, but are usually smart enough not to push their self-proclaimed authority too far. Otters want to be the best, and they understand that being the best takes work. As long as they get to do thing their own way, there is little they won’t undertake.Members of this sign have a sense of pride that only a few other signs can top. They absolutely hate looking unintentionally foolish (though they will act the part of the fool if it gets them a good laugh) and have little tolerance for those who don’t respect this important (if unspoken) rule. They like to be seen as evolved, wise, and powerful, which they often are, but this can sometimes cause them to hesitate trying new things. Above all things, Otters don’t like to live by other people’s rules. As long as they keep life in perspective this shouldn’t be a big problem, but out of perspective Otters risk becoming greedy and narrow-minded and there is always a chance that they will take what they want if nobody is willing to offer it up to them. Members of this sign can also be a bit judgmental of others, particularly those who are less successful than they are at that point in their lives. As they mature they tend to realize that everyone operates differently, and will slowly come to accept this, especially if they have a hard road to reaching their goals.

TAROT CARD:

The Fool: The Fool, at its core, represents the unfettered soul. Free of experience and prejudice, they are also free of fear, and therefore come into new events without the trepidation often experienced by those that know what they might expect. This is both a benefit and a detriment to the Fool, their eyes are on the path ahead, or on the sky, but not at what is right in front of them. This can make the Fool easy to trick, to persuade, or to side-line. But they also do not know what others believe is ‘NOT’ possible, and this makes them capable of greatness, new ideas, and innovation. They do not know a thing cannot be done, so they merrily set about to do it anyway. Sometimes they succeed.

TV TROPES:  

All the Other Reindeer, The Chessmaster, Cornered Rattlesnake, Dirty Coward, Fair Weather Friend,  and Opportunistic Bastard

SONGS:

- Little Lion Man by Mumford and Sons - If It Kills Me by Jason Mraz - Sinner Man by Idris Elba - Creep by Radiohead - The Devil You Know by X Ambassadors

IDEOLOGIES:

- Beer is the scum of all the alcoholic beverages. He think it tastes akin to piss and doesn’t understand why anyone would opt to drink it willingly. - Peter has never had a pet aside from the owl. And doesn’t understand the want to keep things in captivity for your own benefit. This principle extends to muggle zoos as well. - Chocolate frogs are the best candy that Honeydukes sells, this is not a matter of discussion that he is willing to hear. - Peter believes that if something is easier done through violence than diplomacy that in those instances the people should be empowered to pursue violence without diplomacy first. - Wool is a terrible fabric and he won’t wear it. It’s itchy.