#Like I think this is a stage of mental illness cause wtf

[alittlechaotics-blog]

Drunk me is an asshole cause why would she leave a glass of GIN next to the bed with a sticky note on it that says "water"

[angelssongs]

Honestly, whenever I feel stressed about something, I always feel in peace with it atleast mentally but my body doesn't, so I feel nauseous for no reason. I think it might be that with you too, it happens more often than most would think tbh.

DID YOU READ THE NEW ALNST COMIC MIZI IS FONNA MAKE ME CRY OMG ILL NEVER LOOK AT YOU THE SAME MIZI WTF

Maybe that is what’s happening with me .. cause I feel fine right now but I feel so sick oh my goodness . explodes. I can never tell why my stomach hurts because my stomach ALWAYS hurts. It’s like. Constant 24/7, my stomach hates me..

GSHHDHSJDJSJS YES J DID !!! I LOVE MIZI EVEN MORE NKW ME AND MY BESTFRIEND WENT ON FOR HIYRS ABOUT IT I think it’s supposed to represent her survivors guilt, and the other Mizi in it is essentially showing her subconscious because she thinks she “has it easy” just because she’s stayed alive while nobody else that she’s loved has, I also think the heteronormativity even in alien stage is interesting .. it’s likely just cause the aliens teach them that men get women pregnant though. But still… MIZIS whole “act” to get through and survive and now carrying the survivors guilt of everything. Guh. I wonder how the next episode of alnst will go .. she has nothing to live for, and nor does luka, she could ‘punish’ luka for ‘killing’ till and hyuna, and beat him AGAIN or maybe she’ll give him mercy and let him win, because she knows how it feels to have nobody left and wants to give him life, or maybe she’ll use the gift of life to punish him .. also I find how the art of her sitting on everyone’s bodies with a smile doesn’t include Ivan because he saw through her facade because he’s simular is really interesting ^_^ I LOVE PLATONIC IVANMIZI!!! THEY ARE BSFS!!!

sorry for that rant I love alien stage guhhfddd….

[historyunveiled]

MiniZombieBoi

"If big brother let me post,"

WTF are you talking about? Who is Big Brother in this conversation? Pure jibberish.

"you made up the other persons arguments,"

Who is this other person you are even talking about? More jibberish. Not that that isn't to be expected from someone so lacking in intelligence they don't know the difference between the White House and the Capitol Building. pathetic.

"ignored how gender affirmation surgeries cost a ton,"

When did I ever ignore that? When the fuck was that ever relevant? The cost is immaterial to the practice of doing it. Except for you know, morally bad doctors making profit off of exploiting mentally ill people/children.

"are rare and are healthy to every scientist under the sun and you genuinely stated you lack citation LMAO"

So, first of all you and I were never talking about that but you are bringing it in, so wtf is wrong with you?

Second of all, it is a FAR cry from 'every' scientist under the sun and I think you will find the majority of scientists have been proven catagorically wrong at various points in history, including when it came to the subject of lobotomies.

Third of all you claim I lacked citation, but never cited anything yourself so, pot, kettle, black. Pathetic.

Finally, transition surgeries are becoming increasing LESS rare. You want citations, then here are some.

This study shows that rates have steadily increased between 2000-2011 and increased three fold between 2012 and 2014 alone. Gosh, isn't it amazing the number of people who realised they were trans magically jumped wildly in 2 years? I'm sure this has nothing to do with that same time period seeing the popularisation of social media and internet acessing smart phones which would likely cause a social contagion amongst vulnerable/mentally ill people?

These studies say much the same thing:

Study suggests gender-affirming surgeries are on the rise, along with insurance coverage | Hub (jhu.edu)

Examining rates of gender-affirming surgery in the US (medicalxpress.com)

"My first comment got deleted so big brother is here plain so painfully obviously,"

Ah, now that makes sense.

"sorry I got the most important building in the country wrong"

I mean that IS a big deal and a BIG tell.

"your people still robbed and vandalized it because democracy happened LMAO"

They robbed and vandalised government property that their tax dollar paid for. It a a very far cry from vandalising someone's private property.

Additionally, given the insanely high numbers in 2020 compared to literally every other election in the 21st century (and many in the 20th) they had VERY just reasons to doubt the democratic process was actually happening fairly. Frankly, I think Trump did lose in 2020, but also there was fishy stuff going on.

Furthermore, you have failed to address the core problem in your argument, namely the false equivalency.

Let's say we unequivocally agree that they robbed and stole from a government building and that this is morally bad.

Okay...your guys routinely lied. In big ways. On the biggest public stage in the world. For the biggest stakes in the world. Your guys lied countless times and in doing so were actively subverting the process of government, destabilising the USA and by extension the balance of global power.

There are numerous examples that can be listed. But lets just go for the big one. You guys ran Biden knowing he was senile, that he had massive cognitive issues. Then you lied for 4 years about that, then ran him again, until the lie became unworkable.

THAT is several magnitudes WORSE than the so called 'insurrection' in 2021. Because of YOUR guys en masse (the J6 people were a minority of the right wing, whereas the entire left wing media class AND most regular left wing people were insisting the Biden narrative was false) lied about the most powerful person in the world enemies of the USA felt emboldened to act, USA prestige diminished and the world was brought far closer to WW3 than it has been in the prior 40 years minimum.

That isn't even getting into all the other propaganda I brought up in my original tumblr post to you that you have failed to address.

"Gender affirmation surgeries were what your last novel wrote about,"

Hurrrr durrrrr long man bad!

The argumentation that a response is too long is a weak, shallow and invalid one. It speaks to your lack of strong character. Pathetic.

"I wondered if you'd forgotten already, comparing gender affirmation to lobotomies is HILARIOUSLY unrealistic,"

No, it isn't.

Both are a practice widely accepted by medical science.

Both are common sense obviously immoral in the context of trans surgeries for minors (I never said this about ALL transitionary surgeries, but what a surprise a leftist lies and shifts the goalposts).

"no people being different from you isn't a trend,"

I never said it was. Maybe engage with my arguments in a non-disingenuous fashion?

I was saying the numbers of transition surgeries have INCREASED astronomically over time. That is the trend. how astonishing. All these trans people just happened to be born in the late 90s and 2000s in numbers far higher than at any other point in recorded human history.

"and here's 5 god damn sources (a potential hundreds of writers in these journalism companies)"

And most journalists agreed lobotomies were fine too. Most 'experts' claimed mass immigration would bring about shittons of prosperity for the UK. Most experts agreed the War would be over by Christmas.

Mass consensus amongst experts doesn't fundamentally prove anything. In this case, COMMON SENSE demonstrates why it is retarded to give transition treatment to minors, which was my fucking point.

I don't really mind adults getting treatment but not minors.

The notion that it is saving their lives is at best unproven because the massive spike in treatments (that has continuously increased) beginning in 2014 hasnt played itself out yet.

You CANNOT reasonably argue even an 18 year old who transitioned in January 2014 clearly made the right decision because they wouldn't even be in their 30s yet. You CHANGE in your 30s, your 40s, etc. At best, we honestly do not know the full extent of transitionary wave until the eldest generation who began transitioning in 2014 are seniors. Living 10 years trans is frankly far too small a sample size.

But more poignantly, the narrative is this makes their lives better, this saves their lives. Right...so why is it that between 1994-2024 suicide rates amongst 11-18 year olds increased by 137%?

Why was there an 88% increase between 2014-2024 when 2014 had a 3 fold increase from 2012 and then the numbers began to climb thereafter?

Were all the cisgender kids killing themselves twice as hard now that the trans kids were being 'saved' by their treatments?

This of course also doesn't account for there being LESS suicides in older eras where the technology to transition never existed.

Gosh, its almost as if applying common sense as opposed to studies that have an obvious agenda gets us better results or something.

"because the boot must taste good:"

LMAO, was that implying I only believe this because 'my side tells me too' or something.

How revealing of your own colours. Leftists have no thoughts of their own. They are mere NPC drones that support their party line.

I came to this conclusion in 2014 when I was myself a Liberal Labour voting person. I've gradually put things together myself from there and seen beyond your fucking deceptions.

History will curse you for all the evil things you have done and been complicit in doing. Transitioning kids and exploiting the mentally ill perhaps chief among them.

Times have changed. The tide has changed. This isn't happening anymore. Trans people will get help, get sympathy. But we aren't going to stand for the notion of them being anything other than people with very sad mental health issues.

"I admit one obvious flaw in modern republicanism and you post a tumblr rant where you make up the other persons arguments,"

Yet more leftists lies and lacking reading comprehension.

My posts was due to there being so many people responding and reddit's word limitations meaning I didn't have the space to respond. It was also a more cumbersome experience. Simply put, I posted exactly what I would have posted on reddit if the user interface was easier. Is it a rant? Yes. Which is exactly what you and the other clowns brigading r/GGDiscussions have been doing. Rants do not inherently undermine someone's points, merely demonstrating that they have passion for them. Shockingly, I am passionate about Leftists lying on a national scale and pushing norms that harm children.

Furthermore, I didn't make up your arguments. I literally quoted you word for word and responded line by line. So, more lies. More lack of reading comprehension.

You claim I am making up the arguments but haven't yet given examples. It demonstrates weakness and desperation on your part.

"show you think saying "haha you pathetic" means you've owned de libruls and genuinely admit you lack citation."

I literally gave you citations you smooth brain.

"How did you get like this? Was it a freak accident?"

How did i get so adamantly opposed to people like you who hold at best foolish and at worst outright evil views? Simply put I met people like you and used my eyes to observe the horriffic impact you have had upon the world. And was disgusted by both.

"Why are you artificially inflating your cringe tumblr again? You already failed to prove anything"

If you had read my prior comments, which you clearly either failed to do or are unable to do, you would recall I said it is simply more efficient for me to reply via linking to my tumblr posts rather than on reddit itself.

Tumblr is simply a vehicle to help me reply more efficiently vs reddit's interface.

I succeeded in disproving your points imbecile. You consistently got facts wrong and preached to a corrupt authority and nothing more.

As I said before, history will damn you.

"Yes I can read, not everybody different from you is stupid."

And yet, you failed to read my earlier points that it is more efficent for me to reply like this. You also failed to read numerous news reports about the Capitol Building in 2021.

"You made up the first peoples arguments in the blog where you "respond to everyone" because ego must make you think you know everyone's arguments. "

LOL! Why not bothering going ctrl+F on the Reddit thread. You will see I quoted everyone practically word for word.

And yet, you keep insisting you have no issues reading.

"And no I haven't got facts wrong,"

Bro, you are insisting I kept arguing against transitions in general as opposed to specifically for minors. Of course you have your facts wrong.

"if they were wrong you'd need to prove them wrong but you can't so you won't🤡""

I already did in the articles I linked to in prior posts genius.

Get it through your head. If adults want to transition that is fine. But children shouldn't because they are not mentally developed enough to make decisions that will massively affect the rest of their lives and their health.

[love-dreams]

for the last time

jeonghan/reader | mental illness!au | angst, fluff

synopsis: in which jeonghan wants to do everything for one last time

content: depression, suicidal thoughts, character suicide

notes: WTF TUMBLR APP DELETED EVERYTHING anyway...more a/n in the m.list!!

wc: 1.3k

“please, y/n, don’t leave me, i’m sorry, i’m so sorry-!”

it was almost like a ritual at this point, waking up to nightmares, drenched in sweat, with his heartbeat pounding in his chest while lying in bed. holding his head with trembling fingertips, jeonghan tried to recall the events of his dream, trying to pinpoint the cause of his nightmare. he sighed before giving up, running his fingers through his sweaty, damp hair.

looking over at his bedside table, jeonghan saw his phone lit up with multiple messages from his best friends. 

jeonghan grabbed his phone and got out of bed, checking messages from seungcheol and joshua while brushing his teeth. recently, the pair had been checking up on jeonghan to make sure he was getting out of bed everyday. 

jeonghan knew he didn’t have much time left in the world, but even with that impending doom in the back of his mind, he didn’t want to see his other friends suffer like he had. mustering up his strength, he put on a smile and before leaving the bathroom, flashing one last smile at the mirror. 

>>[p.sc] jeonghan, don’t forget to take your meds

jeonghan checked his phone again as it buzzed on the table, smiling to himself at how caring seungcheol was. these days jeonghan couldn’t find the motivation to even make breakfast, instead, he just filled up a glass of water, sitting down at the table to reply to his friends. 

<<[me] already did, mwah

<<[me] @joshua, i’m dropping by your campus later today, you forgot your notebook

>>[h.js] thanks bro!! remember to eat breakfast

after sending the message, jeonghan let out a sigh and leaned back into his chair. his life really was miserable after you had left him. jeonghan had no motivation to do anything, he couldn’t sleep or even eat. the only thing that kept him going was staying with seungcheol and joshua. tapping his fingers against the polished wood table, jeonghan tried to recall the event of his dream again. 

then, taking a sharp breath, jeonghan stood up determinedly; he wanted to go back to your shared apartment for the last time. 

he remembered the painted walls and pictures on the table during the dream and all jeonghan knew was that he needed to be there again.

but he needed to see seungcheol and joshua first before he left.

“how was your day so far, jisoo?”

“it’s been good so far. thanks so much for bringing this with you, jeonghan!”

jeonghan laughed, “aren’t you taking advantage of me living with you a little?”

seungcheol seemed to notice something wasn’t right about jeonghan’s manner, and piped up, “jeonghan, did you get my text this morning?”

jeonghan nodded, smiling as he showed him the pill bottle. “yep! i even brought it with me so i wouldn’t forget to take some this afternoon.”

seungcheol relaxed, “it’s been awhile since we’ve gone out together.”

for a moment, jeonghan’s smile fell off his face before he quickly forced it back upright. jeonghan nodded, reading between the lines of what seungcheol was saying: “it’s been awhile since we’ve gone out together, because you used to always be with y/n.”

after that lunch, jeonghan left to take a walk by the han river, marveling at the beautiful weather today. as he followed the trail, he slowly made his way to your apartment complex, the old building had the same charm it always had. 

as jeonghan climbed up the concrete stairs, he suddenly had a rush of deja vu, causing him to slightly stumble. 

“i don’t even get why you went to that stupid party, you know how shit you are at drinking.”

jeonghan dragged your body up the stairs as you struggled to maintain balance.

panting, you huffed out, “shut up jeonghan, i just wanted to have some fun.”

jeonghan grunted as he looked down at you from above, “are you saying i’m not fun? ‘cause i can totally be fun.”

you laughed as you made it to the last stair, collapsing onto the dirty cement. 

jeonghan panted beside you, still standing up, “get up, y/n, we’re almost at the apartment.” he tapped you on the side with his foot, his height towering over you. 

you smiled drunkenly, “you’re so pretty, jeonghan.”

jeonghan sighed, propping you up. he squished your cheeks together, “you know that i like to be called handsome more. now, up you go!” 

jeonghan chuckled at the memory. before he knew it, he was at the top of the stairs, on the floor of your apartment. 

it had been what seemed like a lifetime since he climbed these exact stairs. 

when you died, he didn’t have the heart to sell your apartment. it held all the memories jeonghan cherished so much, it felt like losing a piece of you. 

standing in front of the door to your shared apartment, jeonghan got hit with a wave of nostalgia. unable to push back at the rush of emotions, jeonghan leaned against the wall, his chest suddenly unbearably tight. 

he should have been there for you.

straightening up, jeonghan put on his brave facade and unlocked the door. after you died, jeonghan hadn’t returned to the apartment you shared, the pain was too great. looking around the room, jeonghan could almost smell your perfume and shampoo that you always wore. nothing had changed since your death, your parents hadn’t come to collect your things. dropping his bag, jeonghan started to wander around the small room until he came to a stop in front of your room. 

he couldn’t hold it in, breaking down in front of your room, sobs wracking through his slim frame. jeonghan covered his face, as if you could see him, tears running down his arms. guilt was rushing through him and his chest became unbearably tight. out of the corner of his eye, he saw his bag, the pill bottle in the compartment outside of the backpack. 

“jeonghan, i’m so proud of you, baby!”

jeonghan smiled at you cheering for him, he tickled you, “i can’t wait to go to your art gallery as well.” 

you laughed, bubbly happiness surging through the both of you. jeonghan had just performed his first concert in front of your university classmates. there weren’t a lot of people there, a couple of hundred, but it was stunning to see him on stage.

you cupped his face gently, “make sure you don’t miss it, okay?”

jeonghan choked at the memory, his chest tightening even more. it felt as if his heart was being squeezed, suffocating him. taking raspy breaths, jeonghan  could finally breathe again. crawling over to his bag, jeonghan collapsed against the front door. picking up the pill bottle with his trembling fingers; jeonghan stared at it. 

“i just wanted...you to be there for me, this one time!”

you were crying now, a tear streaming down your face. 

jeonghan sighed exasperatedly, “i know and i’m sorry okay? i had to practice for the next concert and i just forgot.” 

you glared at jeonghan, “that’s the problem, jeonghan. you always forget about us,” then you turned on your heel and spun out of the apartment, slamming the door on your way out.

jeonghan unscrewed the cap, peering though his tears at the pills inside.

“jeonghan, i’m so sorry...they were too late...”

their voices were all so muffled and distorted at that time, jeonghan couldn’t even hear them over the rushing of his blood.

jeonghan collapsed on the hospital floor, sobs wracking through his body. he would never see your smile again, never be able to hold you, never be able to-

“oh god,” jeonghan gasped out. he had never told you he loved you..

jeonghan reached a trembling hand in and inspected the single pill before swallowing it. 

“she wanted you to have this.”

jeonghan reluctantly took the letter. flipping it over, he saw his name written in your handwriting. jeonghan left your letter in his coat pocket for two days before gathering the courage to open it. 

gathering some more pills into his hand, jeonghan pulled out the folded piece of paper from his pocket; he always kept it with him no matter where he went.

“my love, jeonghan,

if you’re reading this, it must be too late for me. you must think that this was your fault, but i want you to know that it wasn’t. being with you these years have been my happiest moments, but i want you to be happy as well, jeonghan. you deserve better, i guess. i’m crying while i’m writing this because i really miss you right now. i regret yelling at you, i regret walking out. i’m sorry, jeonghan. i must be really cowardly, to not tell you these words in person, but jeonghan, please know

i love you. be happy for me,

y/n.”

jeonghan re-screwed on the cap, dumping the pills back in. he had to honor your last wish. slowly standing up, jeonghan pulled out another piece of paper: the pledis entertainment business card. 

i’m sorry, my love. i can’t be happy without you here, but i’ll try. i promise i’ll try.

pulling out his phone, jeonghan quickly sent out a text to joshua and seungcheol.

>>[me] i’m trying out with you guys. 

jeonghan loved for the last time.

[sk3tch404]

Now let's get to the OC I've been waiting to introduce for while now, Tiger! 😏

https://imgur.com/a/oHeiBcs

So funfact: She's actually the first OC we made together, so she'd probably also be the first LI you'd encounter ingame and yeah she a gurlllllll cuz the LIs are mixed genders <33

Here's her essay excerpt:

Tiger

She seems to be a more 'in the Moment' type of Girl, doesn't rlly strike me as a type that would settle down, also strikes me as s low maintenance girl that prioritises freedom in a relationship, wouldn't really get jealous that quick, and especially not that kind of intensely jealous, to me at least. Tbh she's just a really "u do u bro" type of girl I think

And my friends list:

tiger girl

- party girl

- alcoholic

- fun, energetic

- pretty much no money, asks/begs Betta Fish for money to go out N party, once again

- pretty much a homie

- loud

- no sugar coating

bad end: runs off w ya money

Her relationship with hyena is more like "ayyyy i know you :D", cause they tend to frequent the same parties, she's not a drug addict though, or at least not as much as Hyena is. Fr i think if she actually got to know him on a deeper level, she'd probably dislike him oof-

Also you'll definitely see a pattern going on between our female LIs compared to the male LIs LMAOO

Us when writing male LIs: aight, so what kinda 🥺 is he this time?

Us when writing most female LIs: women 😍<333333

-Ren'py anon

ZOO WEE MAMA 😍😍😍

Mommy? Sorry, mommy? Sorry... Mommy?

OH EM GEE IF THIS WAS REALLY A GAME I WOULD DEF PURSUE HER <3 SO PRETTY AND IS PROB SO FRIENDLYYYY

Omg she sounds so fun to hang with, but if i pursued her in game and she was hanging with other goons i def get jelly. Like girlie this is a dating sim and ur my LI WTF ARE YOU DOING??? But that's just me lol

But I'm glad Tiger is superrrr chill and would let me live life 🙌

Party girl? Alcoholic? Fun and energetic? A homie? No money? Loud? Honest? Runs off with money? Wow sounds a lot like my cousins /hj

NO BUT FR SHE'S MY DREAM GIRL. I COULD TREAT HER BETTER THAN ANYONE ELSE. I'M KINDA MYSTERIOUS AND QUIET, SO I COULD BE LIKE HER STRESS RELIEVER FRIEND AFTER ALL THE CHAOS 💞

Gosh I love people who are super friendly and don't know what awkward stages are. "Ayyy ik you." LIKE HI BE MY FRIEND 4EVER PLZ I WILL NEVER LEAVE UR SIDE.

And yeah, if she really knew Hyena she wouldn't know how to handle all of that misery. Whether it be lack of emotional knowledge or she just don't rock with people like that too much.

My poor bby Hyena... I'll be your friend 💔

THE DIFF FOR MALE AND FEMALE OCS IS SO TRUEEEEE. ALl of my male ocs are like, "Okay what issues and fucked up actions are we getting you today?" and my female ocs are just like, "Omg girl you are so beautiful and independent even with your hardships!11!!1! Slay girlboss!"

Like sorry I like to write my fem ocs as if they were real women bc women in fictional media are only used as either a LI or for plot relavence most of the time.

But for my male ocs... Yeah y'all are getting thrown into the thirst bin for my mentally ill bitches.

Btw who is this Betta Fish fellow 🧐sounds a lot like the OC you were talking abt last time... Or not idk. I SHALL KNOW THEM SOON ENOUGH.

[eallisnwndrlnd]

Moving On From 2018

One thing I can say that I love about New Years is that it’s like life feels like it gave you a bit of a reset button. Not erasing anything but at least working towards improving what you did or didn’t do the past year. I definitely need that reset for this past year 2018. 

Most of the year was in a bit of a stressful blur. I’m not going to bother reflecting on my previous New Years post since most of what I had hoped to come into fruition didn’t. All I can say is despite my battle with my depression and anxiety being the major factor in my stressed out year, I managed to accomplish some things. May not have been most of what I had planned but hey, that’s life sometimes. 

This past 2018 I completed my 3rd year, completed my internship hours and my first semester of my last school year in college. 

Even if I didn’t get in any of the companies I may have wished for my internship, I was lucky to find a company where I had a chance to utilize my skills and creativity in my writing and photography. It was pretty stressful initially when I was not getting any response from any of the fifteen companies I applied to. Thankfully it all worked out in the end. I even had fun and made it feel like a vacation with a classmate that became roommate and friend. I was feeling less claustrophobic when I was in our shared apartment in BGC, Taguig, away from the many reasons for my stress and anxiety. I was able to let myself forget about it at least during those short two months during break. 

Going straight into the start of 4th year with unresolved issues and things that needed to be done, my stress and anxiety kicked into overdrive as schoolwork and personal issues at home gradually stacked up against me. By the end of the semester I was completely wound tight and sensitive as hell where I felt at any moment I could break. There were some close calls close to the end that’s for sure. Especially with some family drama that nearly buried me in an emotional quicksand. I ended up breaking down in front of my teacher for thesis because I thoroughly let myself down on that one. I was in no shape to complete it in time for the scheduled defense that was a few weeks ago. When it all comes down to it, no one is harder on me than myself. I put the high expectations on me and when I don’t meet them or make a mistake or complete it short of perfection, I dwell on it to no end. Then there was the matter of film and theatre class, where if I were back home, I may have enjoyed and been extremely enthusiastic about but alas due to my poor fluency in Tagalog I wasn’t able to truly be a part of the major projects we had to complete. I ended up taking roles that were so far away from what I really wanted to contribute but as the stories were in a language and culture that I still didn’t fully understand, I was in no way able to contribute in the way I would have wanted to anyway.(One of the brighter spots of film was being able to share some of my favorite films of all time and also participate in our groups documentary on a Badjao community despite being in pain and sick more than half the time. Seeing and meeting some of the people with their strength and courage and determination despite their hardships, really helps one put things in perspective.) With the organizations I am a part of, even if I had a minor role in all three, I still didn’t feel up to the task. I really kind of played dead dog for most of my responsibilities in ISO. 

Honestly, this semester and even last semester, I felt myself ever so slightly detach from everything and kind of just mechanically go through the motions just managing to barrel through out of sheer need to complete my four years in college, do well and graduate. This semester is the first time in over four years where I found myself nearly having an anxiety attack. Not once, but three times. Once during debate when my brain refused to memorize my speech and then I fucked up completely during the recitation for my midterms. (I’m just thankful that my written speech helped me pick my grade up for that. Writer I may be, but speaker I sorely am not) It didn’t help that I still get a bit of stage fright every once in a while. Then the second was when my cousin messaged me about my mother having a schizophrenic episode and that it was causing drama and issues. The third one was during one of our theatre rehearsals and that one had no initial trigger except my stupid bronchitis that refused to go away that came out of a cold that has lasted frakking forever. Toss in several emotional breakdowns and smoking a ciggy after three years ciggy free and I could say I was down for the count. These past holidays of Thanksgiving and then Christmas were kind of meh considering I was sick for the first one and ma and I both were sick for the latter. But I pretty much had been sick on and off all this past semester and throw in my fibromyalgia kicking in worse than its been in the past four years, bringing spasms of pain that brought me to tears and bouts of insomnia this entire past year, 2018 brought more pain in more ways than one than anything else. I’m just thankful my ma, pop and family and friends (and my possessed cat, Gandalf) are still healthy and those that aren’t so much are on the road to being so, hopefully soon. 

This new year 2019 is hopefully the year where I finally meet one of my lifetime goals of graduating and getting a college degree. After so much work and sacrifice not only from me but my parents, I need to reach that goal. I will be starting my fourth year second semester at the end of this month but before that hopefully will have completed our final film and theatre projects as well as getting some traction in completing my thesis that is now not a solo one as I included three classmates to be a part of it. At the end of the day, even if I had wanted my thesis, that I started with on my own, to be solely mine, I had to consider my health both mentally and physically which became the deciding factor in no longer trying to push myself in such a way that would’ve hurt me rather than help. As I near graduation, I will set out in determining what I want to do afterwards. Whether I stay here (that’s only if I get an opportunity down the road) or go back to the States or go to another country has yet to be determined. If I were to go back to the States, I’d then have to decide which state I’d be moving to. Or rather, WE would be moving to. We as in me and mother. Yes, my mom is a big factor in my decision. She has to be, there’s no point deluding myself that I would be comfortable with any other scenario. I’ve watched over that woman pretty much all my life and have been a sort of parent-like person for her since I was a kid. As she grows older and goes deeper into her schizophrenia and becomes more fragile, I cannot in my heart think of any other alternative other than keeping her with me. It’s not some martyrdom complex or anything like that, it’s just how I am wired. Even with all my issues and the mental, emotional and physical toll it has taken on me, I love my mom and she brought me up the best way she knew how or could do. I can’t fault her for her illness and I can’t ignore the fact that she needs me as much as I need to know she is ok...as ok as she is capable of being. I may gripe and such but let’s face it, these are the cards I was dealt and I’ve managed all this time somehow and I’m pretty sure as I get older and wiser I’ll get better and better at doing so. But for the most part I can say I’m at peace with my decision (even when a tiny voice inside my head screams at me WTF are you thinking!!! HEEELP MEEE!) Now I’m just torn between should I stay or should I go (now. ....sorry had to. As I was typing those words I was singing it dammit!!!) And if I go, go where exactly? What do I do with my cat? How tf am I getting the beloved furry pain in my butt to come with me? What best fits not only my needs but my mothers and (if my furbaby is coming) Gandalf? New York? (That’s expensive AF) San Francisco? (SAME! but but SWEATER WEATHER LOVE!!!) L.A. (I’m not gonna lie, my home city is the last choice on my short list) Seattle? (perhaps but can my ma stand the so called gloomy weather which I am partial to?) S.A. (STOP! HAULT! DO NOT GO THERE! Though I have many fond memories and do love the city in many ways including my family and friends..and cheaper rent per square foot...and delicious bbq...I just can’t...cuz politics, namely its states’ politics. I’m pretty sure they wouldn’t want my tree hugging, In-N-Out loving ass either anyhow.) I guess I can only say We’ll see. As I get closer to the end of my fourth year I’ll be more sure of which direction I’d want to go but so many things can still happen from now to then so I just want to leave myself open to any possibility that I may not have even thought of. 

So besides all that ‘off to the future I go’ crap, lets see...what do I want to see myself accomplish this year. I...

Must read more books (last year was depressing af for my bookwormish self as I only read three books, actually technically two were only completed in 2018 but I started in 2017. Now that’s sad for someone who used to down one to two books a day and read as she walked) 

Must get rid of more of my shit (I actually have been slowly accomplishing this little by little but seeing as it is nearing the end of my time at UB I must do this in its entirety by the middle of the year.) 

Must write at least one script of my own and complete it. (I have a few synopsis ideas written down, I just need to sit my butt down and make it a full story) 

Hope to go to Tokyo, Australia, New Zealand, Thailand and again to South Korea. (At least Tokyo I hope for this year) 

Must lose the weight I gained only during this past semester. (I can only fit my rollies into two of my jeans and both have holes, one was bought that way and the other lost the battle with a tricycle and a school chair) 

Must cook more (I actually have been little by little doing just that, thanks to Instagram people who post recipes that motivate my lazy ass into wanting to cook what’s in the picture.) 

Must regularly volunteer again(Unfortunately I haven’t taken much time to do any since I’ve been here. Hopefully once my workload at school eases I can finally take the time to do this. It’s one of the things I love doing with my time because it’s the time when I can do something that isn’t for me but for someone else which I guess in a way is also for me in the sense that it just makes me feel good.) 

Must explore more of the Philippines (hopefully after I graduate we can do this) 

Hope to get to Guru level on Gurushots (only need to mark off four more of the criteria to get there) 

Hope to learn a third language (I’m thinking either Spanish or Korean since I at least know some vocabulary and short phrases already. The fact that I would love to be able to watch my kdramas without subtitles definitely gives me the incentive to lean toward the latter.) 

Hope to get more than four hours of sleep on average. (I would love that, only if my neighbors (front, both sides and back) dogs and Gandolf agree to keep it quiet during the wee hours in the morning)  

Must follow my daily, weekly, monthly goal checklist for more than just one month (yup that’s pretty much all that it lasted give or take a few weeks then days, last year) 

If I can manage to even complete a fourth of that which is mentioned above, I will have done this long ass blog entry justice. So if y’all managed to reach the end of all this ridiculousness, I wish to say to you HAPPY NEW YEAR and may this year and the many years to come bring you all you hope for and more. Let’s 2019 the shit out of this frakking year and make it our bitch!!!

(At least I can say with this yearly blog entry that I’ve managed to keep this one and only friggin tradition during New Years)

[you-wxll-be-blog]

Semi-Hiatus Update

;;Sorry I haven’t been around. The last couple weeks have just made things difficult to even try and focus on an RP. And I just feel so angry all the time right now, now that I’ve gotten past the overly emotional stage. 

I honestly am not sure when I’ll be able to focus. But I will be lurking on mobile. And maybe I’ll try to do ask box things? Might help start my focus again. I feel bad for those who are waiting on a response and I understand if any of ya wanna drop threads. I hope you understand. And, as before, a bit more of an explanation of my BS below the cut. Don’t read if you don’t care about my personal life drama.

Sooo on top of the fact that my dog might be put down and my one grandpa is still in the hospital not doing well at all. My other grandpa fell again and broke his ribs this time. He isn’t doing well now either and his health is in decline. He at least lives with my mom so she can look after him.

Now this is where shit gets to the ultimate bull.

My brother has been mad at my dad for who knows how fucking long. But basically he feels like he’s not a father, he doesn’t listen, can’t talk to him, feels manipulated by him, all that fun fucking stuff. There’s a lot of history there I won’t get into.

He decides to give our mother our dads phone number, and our mom is the ultimate verbal and mentally abusive person you will ever meet. Because she saw how upset he was and he told her dad wasn’t listening so of course, let’s send mom in to fight for you.

I had worked a night shift and had been taking a nap only to wake up to multiple missed calls and texts from both my dad and brother. I’m still half asleep when I call my dad up cause I assume it’s about my grandpa and I’m worried. And he flips on me asking WTF is my moms problem and how she got his number and how no one had to right to give it out. So I try to calm him down but he’s just pissed off and basically hangs up on me. So I get a hold of my brother and he tells me what he did. At this point I feel very emotional and just overwhelmed.

I think he’s being a petty little asshole who doesn’t have the balls to face our dad.

Anyway, I send a huge text to my dad explaining how my brother feels and what’s going on. I try and tell him to try and understand where he’s coming from and what not. I also tell him I’m not picking sides and I’m a neutral party. He takes it as I’m siding with my brother somehow? Basically I get the shit end and my dad says he ‘won’t bother me with his family anymore’. 

So I’m angry, not talking to any of my family and just feeling like this was stupid timing with BOTH grandfathers ill. 

Yea, sorry got ranty. But that’s the BS that is my life at the moment. Sorry again guys. Just gunna lurk now.

[spotlightsaga]

Kevin Cage of @spotlightsaga reviews… Drag Race (S09E05) Reality Stars: The Musical Airdate: April 21, 2017 @vh1 @wowreport Ratings: 0.693 Million :: 0.3 18-49 Demo Share Score: 5.5/10 @logotv

**********SPOILERS BELOW**********

So I’m guessing they’ll be rethinking that Cheerleading Challenge next season… Cuz uhh… I’m not into seeing a frontrunner going home because of an injury for a useless challenge. Somewhere along the way, I lost a heartfelt review for Untucked E2, and I just haven’t revisited due to a full schedule and general frustration. I’m regretting it and I think it’s high time I suck it up, rewatch, rewrite, and get on with it… You just can’t have Drag Race without Untucked, and I’m noticing more and more that these episodes mean less and less without that beautiful, stripped down version of Untucked really giving me a glimpse into who these contestants are and where they’re coming from. I hear Aja is giving Untucked the business… I need to see that. Lord knows, this producer pushed makeup-time ‘grill-and-drill’ psychology sessions feel very much the opposite of 'candid’. Plus, like I’ve said, I’m 200+ pound bearded ex-athlete with a thick, stocky frame, what the fuck is an eating disorder… And why would anyone want to be anything other than a thick piece of meat, male or female? Don’t get me wrong, I get that anorexia and bulimia are serious mental illnesses and caused by an improper sense of proportion and value… And I never want to diminish other people’s real-life afflictions, I have my own… But Sasha, if random people in the street are you telling you to 'Phone Home’… It’s time to get a 'new hobby’… And honestly, its always hard for me to truly believe an overdramatic drag queen, tho Valentina seemed much more honest and sincere in delivery when discussing her issues. Then again, Valentina is raw as fuck and her little 10-Month stint in drag (which is also hard for me to believe) doesn’t mean anything when you’re jam packed with that 'It Factor’ that millions of people in LA are willing to go 'Neon Demon’ for in a snap of a finger.

At least Alexis Michelle finally made an impression on me, because up until this point I wasn’t sure which queen Alexis actually was. These massive personalities seem to just drown each other out on a claustrophobic main competition show and I feel like I’m missing a huge part of the story here. Why VH1 and Logo refuse to show the Untucked series, I’ll never know… Unless this is all a ruse to get more subscriptions to YouTube Red… But upon with their recent issues with LGBTQ filtering, I highly doubt it.

I’m still having a lot of mixed feelings about S9 of Drag Race… It’s nice to see Alexis finally show us why she’s here (even tho that runway happened, wtf right?!), and Shea coming into her own is amazing, deservedly so… But when an episode ends on a contestant that deserves to be there being forcefully eliminated, and then two queens who probably deserved to be in a double elimination end up getting a free pass because of it… Well it’s just a bummer. Sure, Farrah Moan makes a pretty girl (a boy not so much), but she’s just like the city she claims… All lit up and full of emptiness. Sorry, Vegas, but you suck, and you know it. Cynthia embarrassed me and literally proved that bringing her back means absolutely nothing except hearing the words 'Cucu’ inserted in at least 10,000 phrases… While both of them lip sync to some random 'flavor of the week’ pop star who came to judge Drag Queens in a onesie that she borrowed straight from closet of one of the members WWE’s New Day. I’m not a radio man (are you surprised?). I’ve heard the name Megan Trainor, but I don’t know her music and I couldn’t care less what she does and will do, especially after she showed up in Drag Race in that outfit.

Let’s not forget that Nina Bo'Nina Brown serves up Mary J Blige (and that’s a fact 😜) realness on the runway, then they break her down on stage after Todrick relays how she acted a fool during the rehearsal for the challenge (snitch), exploit her weakness, then slam her over the head with a bat with Shea’s face on it. I have seen way too much reality tv to not be able to call it when producers are pushing judges to say certain things to get a reaction from someone who’s having a mini-break down. I like Nina. I hate that she has this massive insecurity… Or as Ru put it 'paranoia’. But obviously now that Eureka is out and Trinity has no one to quip about, they need a pair to fill the 'rivals’ gap… But it’s almost too painful to watch. Whatever is going on on Nina’s head is more than just 'rivals’, and my sensitive 'empathy radar’ is literally ticking off the fucking charts. I really *need* Nina to get it together, put whatever disenchanting issues she has with another strong, talented persons of color achieving greatness and slay the Shay. Don’t get me wrong, I love Shay… She was clearly the winner and one of the main reasons that what sounds like a really negative review actually got higher marks than you might think. I liked Shay from the beginning, pegged her for the dark horse of the competition, mainly because I thought her makeup was a little too 'signature’… But obviously she could be more than that. Bitch is BAD!

This dark tone that underlines this review is definitely caused directly by Eureka’s dismissal… Which I understand, but I’m pissed Eureka was out in a position where his physical limits were tested so early on in the competition. This is not 'RuPaul’s American Ninja’ or an updated Drag-Adult version of Nickelodeon’s 'Guts’. So Ru, speak up next time the human beings you’re supposed to be lifting up and protecting are put in a position where they could get torn ACLS or concussions. I guess one more quip where I refer to that challenge and episode as the 'NFL of Drag wouldn’t hurt. I know this review is a bit salty, that’s why I tried to pack a humorous punch to sit along side it. My ass is heading over to round out my YouTube Red free trial and catch up on Untucked, because I need to be liking all of these contestants much more than I am right now.

[thorias]

Random thoughts watching Riverdale episode 6

First thing we see is Betty and Polly as kids. There goes the Polly-is-Betty’s-split-personality theory, I guess. It was a long shot anyway. 

Alice is the first character to draw attention to how bizarre Jughead’s name is. Nice try, Alice, but I still hate you. 

Delivering on all the build up Polly has had is going to be tough. I’m thinking about what Polly could be like and imagining everything from Norma Bates to Patrick Bateman. 

I think a big reason why the story about Archie and his music doesn’t feel terribly compelling is because it’s too reminiscent of the comics, whereas everything and everyone else has been so heavily reimagined. We’ve got this Polly story and how it all connects to the murder mystery and it’s pretty fascinating stuff, but then we cut over to Archie having stage fright in a variety show, and it’s not bad, but I just want them to go back to the murder mystery because this part seems so unimportant by comparison. As much as I disliked the Grundy plot, it was the only thing Archie had that was as twisted as the other big plots on the show. Without it, he’s rather boring right now. 

Archie hallucinating people wearing wolf masks gets my attention, but Betty’s already got the ‘mentally unbalanced’ storyline wired and he’s got a long way to go to catch up to her. 

Reggie heckles Archie after Archie let him have the captain’s job on the football team last week. Because Reggie is a dick. 

Archie asking Val to sing with him at the show seems like a reasonable request and her excuse doesn’t really hold water. She “can’t step out on the Pussycats?” He’s not asking you too, sweety. If your band is already performing at the show, fine. Is there any reason you can’t do both? I wouldn’t put it passed Josie to try to put a stop to that, but Josie seemed cool with Archie after he helped them with that song, so where’s the issue here?  

Polly’s “group home” sounds less like a hospital for the mentally ill and more like a puritanical reformed school. Yeah, that seems like a place Alice Cooper would send her daughter to. 

Veronica ‘ex machina’ Lodge is a thing now. I was trying to come up with a nickname for her, so how nice of her to do the work for me. 

Thirty seconds into a Pussycats practice session and it seems that Josie is huge a control freak. Weird that Josie is the one credited as a regular cast member, yet Val is the one emerging as the more likable character and has had more screen time at this point too. 

Josie says Val can sing with Pussycats or Archie, but not both. Apparently, Archie helping the band with that song meant nothing to her. First Reggie and now Josie -- the short term memory loss seems to be spreading. I’m dangerously close to feeling bad for Archie here. 

The look on Josie’s face has me cheering Val for calling her bluff and walking out. 

Veronica stumbling upon her mom making out with Archie’s dad has me torn. On the one hand, it’s so awkward, I can’t look away. On the other, the kid in me who read the comics is fashioning a crude crucifix and waving it around in utter horror that likely mirrors Veronica’s. 

Archie is surprisingly cool with his dad potentially dating Hermione. Yeah, Archie is suddenly the well-adjusted one. How did that happen? 

Wait a minute. Val writes the Pussycats’ songs? Then maybe it wasn’t such a good idea to practically kick her out of the band, Josie! Dumbass. 

So Josie was stressing because her big shot musician dad is taking time out of his busy schedule to come visit and see the show, but if it sucks, her mom will get blamed for it? FFS, that’s ANOTHER kid with insane parents! I’m starting to think the luckiest ones on this show might be the kids being brought up by only one adult. Archie, Veronica and Kevin have no idea how fortunate they are. 

Josie certainly makes a lot more sense now that I’ve seen her with her mom. It’s crazy how so many of the problems the kids on this show have can be directly blamed on the people raising them. 

“What about dad?” Veronica asks her mom, as if her dad being in prison and causing his wife to become a social pariah didn’t likely cause the end of their marriage already. Ronnie didn’t really think they were going to work things out, did she? 

Archie is quick to swap Veronica out for Val as his singing partner, which is kind of a dick move. But then Veronica fires back by being a jerk about his dad and her mom kissing. Archie then stumbles onto the topic of his parents being separated and Hiram’s biggest romantic concern these days being to make sure he doesn’t drop the soap in the shower. So I guess the upshot of this scene is that they’re both being assholes and Val is the only nice one simply because she was the only person smart enough to keep her mouth shut. 

“Garden of Deliverance?” Yeah, that doesn’t conjure up any horror imagery at all. Are we adding religious thriller tropes to the mix now? 

At least Alice didn’t force an abortion on Polly, but sending your child to mental institution/religious-themed prison seems pretty damn cruel. Then again, having seen what lunatics Cheryl’s parents are, maybe Alice had the right idea by taking steps to make sure they don’t find out that Polly is carrying Jason’s progeny. At this point, I wouldn’t put it passed Mrs. Blossom to try to cut Junior out of Polly’s belly with a spork. 

I might believe that Jason only broke up with Polly because his parents forced him too, but the idilic future Polly said they had in store for them sounds downright psychotic. I knew people back in high school who became parents at this age and... let’s just say that it working out as perfectly as Polly describes is pretty freaking unlikely. 

Polly not being taken away until July 4th feels a bit awkward. I was under the impression that she’d been gone longer than that. But her being dragged into a van against her will isn’t exactly helping with the allusions to Polly basically being a prisoner here. 

In the blink of an eye, Polly turns the crazy up to eleven and it’s a little disturbing. Yeah, she definitely needs to be in a hospital, but I’m not entirely sure that’s what this place is. 

First Josie gets pissed at Val for singing (god forbid someone in a band try to do that) and now she’s pissed at Veronica for NOT signing? This girl has no idea what she wants. 

Veronica is upset that she hasn’t seen her dad in three months. Man, that really makes you think. So many of the parents on this show are out of their damn minds, but they still get to walk around free, so what exactly did Hiram do that was bad enough to land him in prison? Cannibalism? Murder/suicide cult? I’m guessing it was a wee bit more extreme than embezzlement or whatever the excuse they gave us in the pilot was. 

Archie and Val actually sound good together. See, Archie? This is what a healthy relationship with a female looks like. 

Alice was definitely being cruel by not telling Polly that Jason was dead, but considering how quickly Polly’s mental stability just shattered like stale potato chips, keeping her in the dark may have been the lesser of two evils. 

Fred, Hermione, Archie, Josie, Josie’s control freak mom and her arrogant asshole dad are all having dinner and the tension is thick enough to kill a horse. Should they just call for an ambulance now or wait for someone to draw blood first? 

Betty straight up asks her dad if he killed Jason. I’m surprised they’re playing that card this early, but I guess red herrings aren’t meant to last long. 

Oh shit! Don’t use the “C” word around Betty! Even at the best of times, she’s one bad day away from breaking out that Darth Betty wig and going to town on this whole cast with a meat cleaver. Why tempt fate? 

I wouldn’t put it passed Josie’s parents to not give Archie’s dad the contract simply out of spite for his son luring Val away from Josie’s band. That’s not the reason they give him, but that’s probably what it’s really about. At any rate, those two are world class pricks for coming to dinner with him and letting him go through that whole presentation just to tell him that the contract was already given to someone else. 

Hermione is trying to get Fred the contract, which is self-serving, but also a really nice thing to do considering the way Hiram wanted to go was undoubtedly a lot shadier, but Veronica refuses to put her signature on the thing because she doesn’t like her mom dating someone. This is one of those rare occasions in Riverdale when the parent is actually more likable than the kid. I get that Veronica is upset about this, but seeing as her dad has most likely spent the last several months behind bars being someone’s bitch, maybe she should give her mom a break.   

Archie tells Val she should perform with the Pussycats. I think he’s trying to do the right thing here, but doesn’t this mean that he just dicked with Veronica a second time since she just replaced Val in the Pussycats and Val coming back will make her a fifth wheel? 

“They’re parents. They’re all crazy.” On this show? Yeah. Truer words have never been spoken in Riverdale. 

JUGHEAD KISSES BETTY?!?! WTF IS GOING ON?!?! THE ONLY WAY THIS HAPPENS IS IF HE’S IMAGINING A HAMBURGER WHERE HER FACE SHOULD BE!! FUCK THIS!! THESE WRITERS KNOW NOTHING!! 

The Pussycats sing a cover of some disco song at the variety show. Wasn’t them not doing other people’s songs a big thing for them? I’m pretty sure there was a line in the pilot about that. 

Poor Veronica looks like she feels really out of place onstage with the Pussycats and I feel bad for her. Sure, she’s been a jerk at times in this episode, but she’s been jerked around by other people just as much. 

The Pussycats give a great performance which Josie’s musical snob dad leaves in the middle of. Because Josie’s dad is a jackass. 

Archie and Veronica apologizing to each other was sweet. Something I’m noticing with Grundy gone now is that, while Archie continues to screw up pretty regularly, his mistakes are becoming less severe and he’s getting quicker at trying to fix them. 

Archie has to follow the Pussycats on top of battling stage fright. They really threw this poor schmuck into the deep end head first, didn’t they? Did Reggie choose the order of these acts by any chance? 

Awww, Betty feels bad that she’s missing Archie’s song. This girl is so pure that she has me absolutely dreading her inevitable psychotic episode. Crazy does seem to run in her family after all. 

Archie does really well and gets a standing ovation. Because no matter how many times he screws up, I guess it wouldn’t be Riverdale if everyone in town wasn’t in love with this guy. But, hey, he had a personal problem that didn’t involve statutory rape and he overcame it. I call that progress. 

So what was that stuff with the wolf masks all about? 

How long is Veronica going to be passive aggressively giving her mom shit for this thing with Fred Andrews? I’d tell her to be realistic about the chances of her parents getting back together, but this is apparently some wacko, bizarro world, parallel universe where Jughead likes girls, so clearly the writers have checked realism at the door.  

Polly escaping the mental hospital (or whatever it is we’re calling that place) seriously plays like the beginning of a slasher flick. But she jumped out of a second or third story window, heavily pregnant. How far could she possibly have gotten?  

My newest theory is that Polly killed Jason and then convinced herself that it never happened because, you know, she's fucking nuts. 

[rangerhanna-56-blog]

You're upset bc you got called out on saying something stupid like just man up and say ok I'm wrong I won't do it again sorry like that's all you have to do.... it really is that simple ????

Okay but have you seen my other posts where I said "I'm wrong I get it" "I get it I fucked up"Like I literally acknowledged I fucked up and people still felt the need to send a 17 year old death threats because literally you can't fucking disagree with anyone on this shit website without people attacking you. Like I'm literally being told to kill myself over a sarcastic comment I made and it literally drove me into having a psychotic episode because I literally have multiple psychological problems and I ended up carving awful fucking shit into my body with an actual knife. Like do people on here actually realize when they attack someone, that person might not actually be able to handle being threatened because of something literally so fucking small. I literally went to this person and tried to explain myself and yeah I did it in a petty way and they posted it for literally all their followers to see, but then as soon as I started getting anon hate they were like "but those aren't MY followers". Like how do you ACTUALLY know none of those people aren't your followers tho??? Like do you really think that ur followers are gonna step forward and say "yeah lol I was one of those ppl threatening that girl and saying that her and her family deserve to be killed" legit all because I compared TRUMP to fucking HITLER. Like bitch now that I've had my mental breakdown and I've calmed down a bit I can actually advocate for myself and say I'm allowed to have a differing fucking opinion than someone else and I shouldn't be fucking harassed for it. And idk wtf the whole "white liberalism" thing is when like I've done nothing to show I only care about the white race. Like yeah I'm white but that's literally just it??? Like sorry that I think that history is repeating itself bc THE SIGNS ARE ALL THERE and I have countless people agreeing with me WHO HAVE STUDIED THIS SHIT, that Trump is going to turn this country into something absolutely fucked up (he's literally having neo-nazis work for him like idk how else to fucking make this comparison any clearer???). Like are you just upset bc I compared him to hitler bc that's literally what everyone has been doing and it's annoying or are you literally trying to tell me that there are no similarities between them and that I shouldn't be worried as much as you all should be??? Like as long as you're not a Straight White CIS Christian Male, you're fucked. People are being fucking murdered because of this dude. What I'm trying to say if yeah I'm admitting I fucked up and I literally HAVE BEEN but none of you people people listen so I literally went into full panic mode and caused physical fucking harm to my body that probably requires a doctor to look at (let's be honest im not going to a fucking doctor because if they ask me why all this happened and I tell them it was tumblr discourse, they either won't understand or I'll get the biggest eye roll ever). I literally hope everyone is satisfied with themselves here. Are you happy that you got the "clueless white girl" to finally hurt herself because I hope you are. And the whole thing about me "using my mental illness to manipulate people and make them feel bad for me" is so much bullshit. Yes I had someone take a screenshot btw because I wanted to see how things were playing out. All because you got through this type of shit without support doesn't mean you're a better human being??? This was talked about as if people knew exactly what I suffer from and that it was just me using mild depression or something to excuse the dumb shit I do. And if you haven't fucking noticed yet, I literally just admitted right there that some of the shit I do is in fact dumb.If you want to get into this with me and you really want an explanation I can give it to you because that really isn't half the case. My family literally is full of people who have psychological problems (some of which I don't even know the names of). Just recently my grandfather (a retired police officer) was found hiding in his bedroom from my grandmother with a loaded fucking gun while whispering to it and he was later diagnosed with stage 3 Alzheimer's and he's convinced my grandmother is a member of the Italian mafia sent to assassinate him. I'm not telling you family stories for nothing and I'm sure you guys are gonna have a good laugh about this too because no matter what I say to explain myself I still get treated like shit. Im not even sure if I'm allowed to say this, but if even a team of Harvard Medical Graduates; professionals that people from all around the world seek for help from; can't pinpoint what psychological problems I have, then I shouldn't be given that "trying to manipulate people" shit. A fucking adult said this. If you have any experience with being mentally ill like you say you do, then you know just how fucking difficult it is to properly function and be able to say the right things and advocate for yourself. Do you know how fucking hard it is to fall asleep at night and wake up in the morning knowing that you'll probably have to rely on a caretaker for the rest of your fucking life because you can't make choices for yourself and will need to be under constant supervision so you don't fucking hang yourself one day?? I don't fucking enjoy being a literal walking disease, but thanks for implying that I would ever use it as a fucking tool to get what I want when I want it, you ignorant fuck. You didn't possibly think after screenshotting my mental breakdown that "Hey, someone probably has to have some type of chemical imbalance to type all of this out" before posting it and using it as a prop to get on some fucking high horse. I'm not some mildly depressed idiot fucking white girl who has no clue what happens outside of the cushy walls of my fucking house. I know how fucking horrible and disgusting the human race can be to each other which is part of the reason why I'm like this.I get it! You're so much more fucking smarter than me!!! I'm a stereotypical white western liberal! You caught me red handed! I literally hope that every single one of you have gotten your superiority fix for the day because I've literally had to move blogs because of this. I actually came back to this blog to clean up my mess of posts which is what I do after my episodes, and I happened to notice that one of the anons I had was surprisingly not abuse, but still something bitchy anyway. If you want anything positive to come from me answering this, then I'm just gonna say Thank You for not being like one of the other people who wished death upon me. If you guys still aren't satisfied with this, then I don't fucking know what else to say?? I've explained myself and admitted over and over that I was wrong, but nobody was satisfied until I freaked the fuck out and they got a good laugh out of causing a stupid white girl distress. I'm humiliated now and have pretty much become a laughing stock so yeah. There it is.

[wtf-parenting-blog]

WTF perinatal mental health

Open wide guys, we're going deep. Having been pregnant and now having a child makes you realise even more the importance of being mentally well. Not everyone is misfortunate enough to have experienced mental ill health and too many people have little to no understanding. I'm going to school you bitches and you're not gonna like it (but maybe you secretly will). Perinatal refers to the period while pregnant and in the year after the pregnancy has ended. I say ended. This is because not every pregnancy ends successfully. Whether a person has been 2 weeks or 2 months pregnant when loss is experienced, the hormone and emotional changes can impact on their mental health too. If the pregnancy has been successful, "OMG, what do you have to be sad about? Look at that beautiful baby." Let's go..... You don't have to have a previous diagnosis to develop mental ill health in the perinatal period. If a woman has had a previous diagnosis of mental illness, relapse is a very real possibility, even after a long period of stability. This is due to most medications not having been researched thoroughly in pregnancy and advice is to withdraw treatment. 70% of women who withdraw their medication will relapse. The most common illness diagnosed in the perinatal period is depression. Why wouldn't you be super duper excited about having a baby? After having the baby is it not just, like, the best? Well naw. It doesn't take a fucking genius to look at it logically. Pregnancy is traumatic. Your body is taken over, you are a human incubator. Some people no longer see YOU as an individual. And while being somebodies mummy is lovely for the majority of women, being referred to at 'x's mum' can be a form of torture for people who have a strong sense of their own identity. There are huge hormonal changes before and after pregnancy and these can negatively affect a persons mental wellbeing. Being a new mother can also be incredibly isolating on top of draining which makes the situation go from bad to "why the fuck can I not just be dead now? Please and thank you." Depression is not 'baby blues' or just feeling a wee bit sad. It's a form of torture caused by your own body. Persistent low mood, lack of energy, difficulty bonding with your child, isolating yourself. The list of symptoms are pretty much endless. 5% of new fathers also experience PND. Depression is also co-morbid with other mental illnesses such as generalised anxiety disorder (GAD) and obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD). The misunderstanding around OCD gives me incredible rage. You're not "soooo OCD", because you like things a certain way. That makes you particular. OCD is an extreme anxiety disorder, the World Health Organisation ranks it in the top 10 most debilitating illnesses, right up there with cancer 👎🏻. Sufferers gain no pleasure from their compulsions that they perform to neutralise their obsessions, only more anguish. In perinatal OCD the obsessions typically revolve around some form of harm coming to the baby, accidentally or intentionally, by another or the mother. It's the worst thing they can think of, and the torture of the mental images and thoughts makes them think that they are likely to come true. They are not. They will believe they are capable of monstrous acts and will do everything in their power to ensure no harm comes to their child. In extreme cases they will avoid caring for the child entirely. Even after a diagnosis of OCD, and reassurance that they are not capable of causing harm to ANYONE, they will consistently doubt the diagnosis. MIND. FUCK. OCD can often be misdiagnosed as post partum psychosis (PPP). PPP affects around 1 in 1000 women after pregnancy, with bizarre thoughts and auditory and visual hallucinations. There is an increased risk in mothers with bipolar or who have female relatives who have previously experienced PPP or have a diagnosis of bipolar. It's horrific. In OCD a mother might fear that she could accidentally or intentionally drown their baby in the bath, so avoids bathing their child. With PPP a mother might actually drown their baby in the bath. PPP usually, but not always, occurs within the first 2 weeks after birth. Thankfully, this is when there are usually lots of people around and it can be picked up on, ensuring that no harm is caused. This is not an exhaustive list, but mental ill health is treatable with medication and psychological intervention. Mothers who experience illness in this period experience extreme guilt, which on top of all the other shite going on, sucks chode. People should not be afraid to speak out and help remove the stigma surrounding mental ill health, not just in the perinatal period but for all stages of life. So. Change your fucking attitudes.

[ticketybooworld-blog]

VOICES INC ONLINE! Recovery from Mental Illness is ‘ always ‘ possible!

Blog created by Barrie Macvicar - Positive about Pain & Mental Health Support Group. (facebook) 

The Hopesturn Project

So who is Peter Hawes? Well to me Peter Hawes is a man who came into my life at just the right time. That time was when i was still a service user in February 2012. I met Peter on joining an online support group called

Intervoice - The International hearing Voices Movement.

The reason i had joined this group speaks for itself. Yup ! It’s in the name? Yeah ! That’s right. I was ‘ hearing voices.’ I was hearing lots of voices. Peter was one of the first to answer my call for help when i was in distress then with my experiences.  He and a selection of others were instrumental in helping to teach me how to go about managing to facilitate my very own recovery. These guys just threw me some tools and helped to keep pointing me in the right direction. I then i had to get on with the hard work myself. What work? Rebuilding my entire life and mind. I had a lot to do. I guess i kinda became the apprentice of my own existence. I had to start all over again and these guys showed me how,

Peter Hawes, Kevin Healey,(Recovery Network Toronto)  Egan Bidois, Mike llm Kruger, Rachel Waddingham, Richard Walkinshaw, Shirley Coffey, Lani Maria E, Paul Baker , Margaret Wylie,  Marry Maddock, Earla Dunbar Suzanne Beachy and loads more all came together to offer advice friendship and support. Support that helped me Barrie Macvicar find the strength to both change and rebuild my life.

On meeting Peter i was heavily medicated. On multiple medications & diagnosed Paranoid Schizophrenic. I was in mental health services & was treated in both the hospital setting, as well as in the community. For the last two years of my time in services i was also fortunate enough to have 3 days per week home support.from a charity known as Penumbra.

Thanks to Peter and all the others i am sat here today no longer in mental health services nor hearing voices and no longer in need of support. I was discharged in August of 2013.  I now live medication free. I no longer have any active Schizophrenia and i have the doctors letter to prove it. I am just getting on with enjoying living my life as best as i can. Independently. Still using the tools and the knowledge given to me by my crew above to keep myself well. At the same time as having the comfort of knowing they are all still here online at the touch of a button.

Yeah ! There is a lot to be said for online support and the friendships and knowledge that can be gained right here on

SOCIAL MEDIA !

So get yourself started and take a look at Peter’s websites below. Where you can see his work at

VOICES INC ONLINE

you can also watch a film of Peter here doing some of his Glass work and at the bottom of this page you can a look at Peters latest genius creation.

RECOVERY BOX ! 

Peter is my brother from another mother he’s both a friend and an inspiration and i’m sure once you will see why on reading the remainder of this blog. 

Thanks everyone 

Barrie Macvicar. 

So

What is Hopesturn?

An article by Peter Hawes

Based on a project designed by everyone

So I feel to explain hopes-turn I should give a back history of the realisations that led to hopes-turn. I spent 15 years in the psych system believing one universal truth that was pushed down our throats for years. It was quite simply “you have a mental illness and medication helps so take your meds” This turned out to be untrue for me and multiple others, although I will admit that there is some the bio medical model works well for. I dont meet them often but I have seen the rare few. I then exited that system and became a victim of trauma and then later joined the hearing voices network. The hvn was somewhat productive but when I tried to push other ideas and views I was asked to conform. I couldn’t do it as it involved lying to the people on things I believed to be true. So as it turns out I did basically 15 years in a one size fits all system and then another 3 in a one size fits all system. As if that wasn’t bad enough I started my own organisation voices inc. Which was based on art therapy involving fused glass and my own psychoanalytical/ holistic theories on recovery. Voices inc while being a good project and helping a lot of people didn’t work for everyone. We had a 70% variable success rate of recovery for our attendees. Perhaps that’s cause it was a one size fits all system...... WTF are we all doing us holistic heroes in mental health like seriously there is no one size fits all system. I myself was very opinionated and just didn’t get the whole everyone’s different individuality thing so my thinking at the time was very black and white and I had the belief that this works for everyone cause it works for me and others. I will admit it was a bullshit attitude to have. But I never said I was ever perfect nor that my journey was complete I always said when up on stage that we are all still learning and growing together. Myself included. So I took some time off to learn what I needed to learn and evolve into who I wanted to be. I've spent the better part of the last year learning to listen to people and understand individuality and learning to be a team player and delegate as I felt these were all skills I needed to learn and doing so would make me a better leader and friend and just person in general. Somewhere between listening to people and understanding people me and my awesome bunch of past and present voices inc members came up with an idea. I remember the day well we were all sitting round at my right hand man Michaels place bitching about the system and lack of supports, when Robbie one of my proteges made the comment its a shame we cant get voices inc centres set up everywhere then we could reach everyone. I thought about this and theres no way we could reach everyone thats impossible. So my response was yeah voices inc is awesome robbie but I wish there were more holistic methods coming through so we could cater to the choice and individuality of the consumer. I believe it was tori who made the comment hey if we took out all the holistic therapy and art therapy out of voices inc could the same methods be used to set something else up? I went holy crap that girl has a point. Thus we all became very excited about the possibility of the new project we had devised over a bitching session at the current mental health system. Thus Hopesturn project was born. It is among my favourite projects for the simple truth that it was created not just by me but by multiple members and so has many shades and different perspectives. So now you have the story of how it was born it still doesnt answer wtf is hopes-turn? Hopes turn is a peer run initiative, hopes turn is you, hopes turn is me and hopes turn is anyone who wants to make a difference. Basically its a collective of knowledge and ideas and resources to establish different peer support groups. Hopesturn is brilliantly an anagram for “Helping Other Peers Establish Support Through Unification Recovery Network” There will be many exciting advances and opportunities in hopesturn such as--------- hopesturn radio- where peers can run there own time slot on a radio show about whatever subject they want. The benefits of this are that not only does it keep the peers running the shows motivated to talk or educate on topics they already know about, but it also provides an entirely peer run radio station for people to listen to on a variety of topics. Hopesturn peer support app – The hopes turn app is being designed at the moment and will be a bunch of chat rooms with possible gearing towards a social network theme. So that it is connecting peers with similar lived experience to each other to chat and make connections whatever there framework be it mental illness or trauma based or behaviour based or the aliens implanted a chip in my brain and that’s where my distress comes from :-P either way there’s sure to be a chat room or option to network with peers with similar views. There are also currently being set up a bunch of resources usable by hopes turn members to create and developed there own peer support groups from online conference rooms to learning resources around topics based on networking or finding a venue or even raising funds to keep your group running. The goal of hopesturn is to establish the training and resources to develop more peer run options so if anyone has an idea for a peer support group they can get this up and running. For example lets say there’s a guy called bob. We will for the sake of the argument say bob has bipolar the mental illness and identifies as such because that’s his framework for his experiences and symptoms. (I personally think bipolar actually is biological and has to do with a sensitivity to hormones and instability in environment in child hood where the child has many ups and downs) It does not matter what I think though, cause this is about bob and how bob sees things. Bob has found that dancing helps him with his highs and lows and helps him keep balance in his life. Bob then wonders if this would help other people given how beneficial dancing is for him. Lets also say for the sake of the argument bob is on lithium remembering that bob is in the mental illness framework but bobs not anti psychiatry nor pro psychiatry he just finds lithium helps him (I'm still anti psychiatry and anti meds but pro free choice and I can be anti psychiatry and anti meds cause it works well for me but each to there own) So bob decides to try set up a group called Bipolar Bobs Dancing group. Lets say he decides to run it on a Monday night for 3 hours between 5pm and 8pm. But bob while having a good idea has absolutely no idea on how to get his idea from a hypothetical to a reality as hes never done anything like this before. So bob jumps on hopesturn and finds an article on sourcing products to sell at markets. Bob is also recommended by another member dan who runs a group for depression about crowd funding and finds an article on how to set that up plus get some kick ass exposure for his crowd funding campaign. Bob also finds on hopesturn 3 other members in his local area with bipolar who are interested in helping set up his group. Bob also finds on hopesturn network a mental health worker who works in his local area and will organise a venue. Bob also finds a link to a guy who will design a flier for his group. Bob sets up the crowd funding campaign and maxes out exposure and while the crowd funding campaign is doing its thing raising cash bob gets the flier he had designed canvassed around town and local organisations. Bob uses some of the crowd funding money to run the group for the first month and invests the rest into sellable market products which arrive a week after the group starts and gets an awesome turn out. Member’s who attend bobs group are more then happy to help raise funds by doing markets sell the stock bob has ordered in. Before you know it bobs group has become a social enterprise and begins to grow. Bob then gets some of his best dancers and starts a flash mob in the city to raise awareness for bipolar and gets an article in the paper and segment on the news with contacts he found on hopeturn for media publicity. So you see how this sort of thing can just keep growing when a collective of knowledge and resources and people work together. I've done a lot in mental health and my reputation and accomplishments are re-known and I get a lot of people asking me how I accomplished all that I have in the last six years from the whole public speaking, websites, book and articles and being on tv to setting up 2 mental health organisations. The truth is there’s nothing special about me.. sure I have a high iq and adhd and a bunch of cool people behind me but at the end of the day I'm just like you the only difference is I worked out six or seven years ago that there is nothing we cant do as humans, we are basically geared to evolve and grow on a daily basis so the words can't or impossible are to me just bullshit words for things we haven’t figured out how to do yet. So I never stop I just keep looking for solutions I'm hoping that this project designed by the collective of peers will reach so many and help them figure out how to do things and over time see the possibilities are limitless. I am also hoping that it will provide more peer support options to cater to peoples individuality so that many systems can be developed cause not everything works for everyone and its important to have multiple options and support resources for consumers to access to fullly aid them in there recovery, whatever that looks like to each and everyone. Remember we own our own recovery and its different for all of us. So stay tuned guys cause this is all going off like a match at a gas station in the not too distant future . Me and the team are just finalising some of the projects and then BOOM. I will add some fliers of some of the projects that hopes turn has initiated so far and I have included voices inc because the methods removing the art therapy and holistic therapy are what we used to get the other groups up and running

. 

Above (right) you can see some examples of Peter Hawes glass work. Peter is also well known as Peter Hawes Glass Artist and here below he shows how some of that work is done. 

RECOVERY BOX  ! The Recovery Box idea was formulated on 27 February 2018 when Peter Hawes and Douglas Holmes met in Point Cook, Victoria to put their ideas down on paper and to start clarifying what was needed to turn the Recovery Box from an idea into a project that would change how information would be made available to Consumer, Carers, Mental Health Professionals and the general public. The original idea was to develop an App that could be incorporated into the product Peter had developed and was already selling successfully online.

The original idea was to develop an App that could be incorporated into the product Peter had developed and was already selling successfully online.

However as the brainstorming continued using GLOSS – OFF, both Peter and Douglas made the decision to rebrand a box with its own firmware and content.

This link will explains GLOSS – OFF https://youtu.be/BDJyhqbsZv0

Peter organised a meeting with Kevin and we agreed to work together to see how we could turn this idea into a product that would revelocision how new people coming into the current Mental Health system would access information that could improves people lifes journey

A small working group of interested people would be asked to participate in a working group to assist with identifying what information would be included under each of the heading in the App:

The Headings for each of the Channels include:

Stories Coping Strategies Recovery Resources Medical solutions Events To view RECOVERY BOX - CLICK HERE

[newagesispage]

                                                                                  MARCH    2018

PAGE   RIB

 *****The Stones win best trad blues album at the Grammy’s : Blue and Lonesome.  Keith says, “It’s about fucking time.”**The Stones are doing 11 more dates on the No Filter European tour. ** Keith Richards made news with his comments in the WSJ. “It’s time to snip. You can’t be a Father at that age. Those poor kids.”  He said about Mick Jagger. He could say the same about Ron Wood. He has since apologized.

*****UK parliament is debating the legalization of weed.

***** West Virginia teachers marched across the state and finally got a raise.

*****Kevin Smith, 47, had a heart attack on Feb. 26. Colin Quinn also had a heart attack on Valentines day. Get well soon.

*****Black Panther has 2 record setting weekends.

***** Three billboards were hijacked by street artist Sabo. They say: And the Oscar for biggest pedophile goes to…/ We all knew and still no arrests / name names on stage or shut the hell up. The artist previously altered a movie sign to make it seem like Al Franken was grabbing Zendaya.

***** The anti- defemation league reports that anit-semetic incidents are up in the US by 57%.

*****It looks like ABC is giving Alec Baldwin a talk show.

***** Celebs are jumping on board to stand with the kids in the March for our lives. Fallon and Goldberg will be there.

*****Michelle Obama’s memoir, BECOMING, will be here in November.

*****Studies show that so many animals found or turned in to find new homes are not given the 7 days that most people think. So many animals are simply euthanized immediately. Adopt if U can!

***** Daryl Hannah’s first full length directorial effort, Paradox is coming in March. The western stars Neil Young, , Willie, Micah and Lucas Nelson.

***** LA to Vegas on Fox is really so fun!!

***** Brad Pitt is joining the Tarantino/ DiCaprio movie that is in the works.

*****It is surprising that the department store Bergner’s has lasted as long as it has. It is the end of an era though that the Sheridan Village branch in Peoria, Il. will close its doors.  Bergner’s was founded in Peoria 130 years ago. The Sheridan Village branch opened more than 60 years ago. The parent company Bonton has had financial issues and is closing 7 stores.

*****Lebron James was speaking out as is his right and Laura Ingram told him on the air to “shut up and dribble.” The NBA star replied, “Laura who?” She wants him to go on her show. Why would he want to help her ratings? Why does Fox news believe in free speech for themselves but nobody else?

***** Jake Shears ,formerly of the Fab Scissor Sisters has gone solo and has also released a book, Boys keep swinging. Woo Hoo!! He is also playing Charlie Prince in Kinky Boots.

*****Indonesia is looking at outlawing sex before marriage.

*****Recent articles tell us that George Washington’s teeth were pulled from the heads of slaves.

*****Russia was behind the hacking in Korea during the Olympics.

*****The US was 4th at the Olympics with 23 gold medals.

***** The latest accused: Ryan Seacrest. ABC and E! are standing by him. Bellamy Young, for one wonders why he does not step down from his Oscar red carpet hosting duties. Seacrest has not mentioned any of this on his Live with Kelly show. I think the red carpet and Live would be better without him.

*****Do people get just how hard it is for sexual abuse victims to come forward?  Do we see the pattern of victims who are not believed or shut up by powerful agendas already in place? C’mon Congress, priests, teachers, police and everyone please speak up. The Nassar Olympic doctor had an unbelievable 265 victims. Open your hearts and your ears and show compassion. **Scary Clown tweets that lives are being destroyed and what happened to due process?  WTF?  You can’t have it both ways. What about the women who claimed you assaulted them? What about Al Franken and how he was pushed out?  ** And Sara H. Sanders and Kelly Ann Conway should be ashamed of themselves and the way they support these abusers. What about the grace of Sorenson and Porters alleged victims? These women had to be interviewed, disrupting their lives when these men wanted these WH positions. They told their truth but added that the men were good at their jobs. They tried to do right by men who they say abused them. It is unbelievable that our President discards them and sticks up for his buddies. As a woman we are used to this sort of behavior but it does seem time for this to end. ** Now even Trump’s celebrity spokespersons are having sex issues like Scott Baio. Why are these good old boys just allowed to go their merry way? **Brendon Fraser claims the former President of the Hollywood foreign press, Philip Berk, groped him in 2003. The’ me too’ movement gave him confidence to come forward.

*****The DOJ is cracking down on phone scammers who target the elderly. Now that is a worthy cause. I hope they get somewhere with this because this is a huge problem.

***** Olya Borisova and Sasha Sofeev of Pussy Riot have disappeared in Crimea.

*****Michelle Wolf will host the White House correspondent’s dinner.

***** Thanks for this reminder Mia : Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none. ….. Shakespeare

*****James Comey tweeted: American history shows that in the long run, weasels and liars never hold the field, so long as good people stand up. Not a lot of schools or streets named for Joe McCarthy.

*****Have Senators from Michigan and Wisconsin raised a red flag about abuse with voting machines? As Streisand reminds us, Gore ‘lost’ by 537 votes .  Paper ballots please!!!

*****Atlanta will be back on March 1.. Woo Hoo!!** Donald Glover got a standing ovation on Colbert. He so absolutely deserves it!! He also bought a lot of girl scout cookies.

***** Ellen DeGeneres surprised Jimmy Kimmel by dedicating a children’s hospital room to his son.

*****Poland has passed a bill that will give citizens up to 3 years in prison for accusing the Polish state or people of involvement in the Holocaust.

*****Netflix will bring us Amber Tamblyn in Paint it Black.**Ryan Murphy is moving to Netflix . FX and Fox will still bring us AHS, Feud, American Crime story and the new Pose about the transgender community in the 80’s.  Word is that Murphy was unsure about the Disney/20th Century Fox/ Comcast talks. ** Netflix cancelled Disjointed.

***** What I love about politics is the balance of power and how people who are completely different can use this beautiful government as it was set up by fairly coming to a compromise. It is not the first time but it has gone off the rails. This President pays no attention to rules. I am not always a big lover of rules but damn if we don’t need them for the running of this country. I mean he really, truly does not seem to give a fuck about this great country. ** VOTE!! The most important thing we can do is vote!  Funny or Die is giving a big push to sign up voters by going to the most important races and educating citizens.** Again, Paper Ballots please.. everyone should insist on paper ballots!

*****Mandy Patinkin got his star on the Hollywood walk of fame.

*****Zach Braff is in a new series called Alex Inc.

*****Aniston and Theroux have split.

*****Wes Anderson is back with Isle of Dogs.

*****Amy Schumer married chef Chris Fischer.

*****Another shooting and we must vote these fuckers out. Go Go Sen. Chris Murphy from Connecticut who called himself and his colleagues out. Some NRA lovin’ are trying not to trot out the same old tired line but with a twist, ”I won’t say it’s not time to talk about it but”  and then talks on about the emotion involved and the gun issue should be set aside. Some blame video games.  Others talk of metal detectors and arming teachers.  Apparently our kids should walk into fortresses. Teachers don’t have enough worries with teaching our children and figuring out how they can afford supplies.  Now they want educators to have firearm training.  This is better than a little gun regulation? The Parkland shooting took place about 40 miles from Mar A Lago. The shooter bought an AR 15 in the last year after Trump signed a bill revoking an Obama era gun check for people with mental illness.  The FBI did not look long and hard enough at complaints about the shooter. They get about a thousand tips a day. Police were called to his home at least 20 times. Scott Peterson, a deputy with a gun who was there to help prevent this did nothing. There is a lot of blame to go around.** This isn’t the first time that authority has dropped the ball. What is with all the incompetence? Patty Hearst’s name was on a list of people the SLA wanted to kidnap and nobody told her. Priests are simply moved around after they are found to be child molesters. Police who have been given warnings about racism and excessive force are left on the job. Domestic violence gets a slap on the wrist until they kill the family. Enough!!!**Big Kudos to the savvy kids who know what the fuck is going on. The young folk are not brainwashed, they want change.  They haven’t had as many years to get as angry as we are, but they are just scared.** The shooter has pictures of himself online with a MAGA hat on. Gee.. did not see that one coming.** One cannot help but think of the young people getting killed in Vietnam and the mistreatment of so many that caused students to mobilize against the war and organize for civil rights. I think the women’s march, Black lives matter, me too , impeachment rally’s and march for science have set good examples for these kids. They were paying attention but we did not do enough, we must stand with them.

*****March 24, 2018: The March for our lives! These savvy kids are taking action. They blitzed the Sunday morning circuit on the 18th with their message. They have had it with the same old shit. They want to march and with Generation Z, minorities, women and millennials we could change this country. They want comprehensive gun control and are using the words of politicians past to get their point across. ‘You are with us or against us ‘and ‘they have blood on their hands’ are just some of the lines they are using. These students do not care about republican or democrat, they care about results. Neither party has been doing them any favors lately. They plan to give out badges of shame to those who accept money from the NRA. Go Go GO!!** Another idea floated has been to stop sending kids to school until reasonable laws are put in place.** And I always wondered about this ratings system they have.  These politicians are proud to have an A+ rating? I mean who the fuck are they?

*****The NRA gave the kids a couple of days and then they came out swinging.  The NRA used a Parks and Rec GIF of Leslie Knope as they thanked Dana Loesch for being the voice of the NRA at the CNN town hall. Creator Mike Shur responded, “I would prefer you not use a GIF from the show I worked on to promote your pro slaughter agenda.” He added, Amy Poehler isn’t on twitter but she texted me a message, ‘Can you tweet the NRA for me and tell them I said fuck off.’** Many companies have severed ties with the NRA.** Scary Clown won’t talk gun legislation. ** Hey Hey NRA: You can’t be the PTA!** Over a dozen different victims of the Florida shooting have received death threats. WTF?** An armed social studies teacher in Georgia fired off a shot after not allowing students into his classroom. He later surrendered.

***** Dick’s sporting goods are pulling assault weapons from their stores permanently. The owner says the law isn’t doing enough so he is taking the steps. Wal mart stopped selling them 3 years ago. Both have now decided to raise the age in the stores to 21. Wal Mart is taking out toys that resemble assault rifles.** On the last day of February Trump said: “Take the firearms first and then go to court- take the guns first, go through due process second.” Hmm!? So now Trump is calling out the NRA a bit. Lawmakers make it so obvious that they just did not want Obama to get any credit for helping with this problem. They claim the slippery slope but they knew he and other dems did not want to take anybody’s guns away. We all want common sense and either  they never listen to other view points or they just want all the credit. Take a look at yourselves. Will Trumps hard core base like this new no due process take and how long will that point of view last? It does seem that this time businesses and states are just going ahead with their own agenda.

*****The new face on Face the Nation is moderator Margaret Brennan.** Thanks for your spotlight on the mass homicide in Syria in your first broadcast as host.

*****The Polk award winners are Jodi Kantor, Megaze and Ronan Farrow.

*****While the world was talking about the shooting and the bravery of the children for speaking up and the new revelations of Russia, Fox news spends the day in remembering of Billy Graham. RIP

*****Wendy Williams is taking time off due to a diagnosis of Graves disease.

*****A recent billboard: When will they love their kids more than their guns?

*****This whole ‘memo’ bullshit is bogus yet so dangerous. After the Dem memo, Trump tweeted a denial of phone calls.

*****Let us thank the conservatives for first funding this Russian dossier. ** Now we are hearing about a Playboy playmate that Scary Clown allegedly had a 9 month affair with. ** And hey.. Didn’t the signature red tie thing belong to Dangerfield? Stop it Trump!!

*****The Paramount network has brought us the great mini series: WACO with Michael Shannon and Rory Culkin. The biggest revelation: J. Edgar Hoover was on the Mickey Mouse Club.

*****Jedediah Bila married Jeremy Scher.

*****The 4 hour HBO doc, The Zen Diaries of Garry Shandling will grace us on March 26.

*****The 5th season of Arrested Development is completed for Netflix. David Cross said in an interview that the cast stands behind Jeffrey Tambor after his firing from Amazon. Arrested will be out later in the year.

****Missouri Governor Eric Greitens was indicted for felony invasion of privacy.

*****Heather Locklear was arrested for domestic violence and battery on a police officer on Feb. 25.

*****Trevor Noah’s ‘ Born A Crime will be adapted to film and will star Lupita Nyong’o.

*****The BAFTA’s were handed out. Much love was given to Three billboards outside Ebbing, Mo. For film and also to Frances McDormand , Martin McDonagh for original screenplay and Sam Rockwell. Adapted screenplay went to James Ivory, it was so good to see him honored again. Gary Oldman and Guillermo del Toro also won.

*****Snoop Dogg has a new gospel album.

*****The talk show of Harry Connick Jr. is winding down.

*****Check out This is not happening with Roy Wood Jr. I am in when he is involved. It is a sort of tell all with stand ups. The amount of liquor bottles behind them in the bar is straight out of Bob and Ringo’s (refer to Grandview USA).

*****Hulu is giving us Castle Rock with …hell yea.. Sissy Spacek.

***** Somehow you never forget what poverty and hatred can do when you see its scars on the hopeful face of a young child.. Lyndon Johnson

*****After the Rob Porter mess Priebus and other flunkies were on the Sunday shows. The kiss ass idiots said a lot of’ I don’t knows’ and ‘from my point of views’.  Why were they even on when they have no info?  We heard a lot of, ‘I’d never heard of that’ and ‘I didn’t know who he was.’  These selfish, stupid men tripping over their words who seem so afraid of Trump. White men at the top of the food chain and they are not happy with that. They are bitter and mean. Men put in prominent positions who know nothing.. well done WH. I ask again, what does he have on these people?** But why was Porter and at least a hundred others still working with sensitive material without clearance? ** David Axelrod made a good point saying, “Everyone thought John Kelly would rub off on Trump but Trump has rubbed off on Kelly.”  Or perhaps he mused, that we are finding out who these people really are. ** It seems they all think they are so smart and they are the first to ever be in the WH. There are others who know how this all works and it is good they call them on it, even though it isn’t nearly often enough.** Chris Wray contradicts the WH on the timeline of the Rob Porter investigation. The FBI tells us that their work was completed in July and new info was sent in January which closed things down. The President can clear anyone he wants so he can disregard that info. The WH keeps telling us this is all normal but other administrations disagree. The Obama team did top assistance clearance 6 months in advance. ** Jared Kushner was stripped of his high level security clearance. About 3 dozen others are in jeopardy as well.

*****Hope Hicks is out!** Josh Raffel is out!

*****Melania’s parents have just become US citizens, part of the migration plan that Trump wants to kill.** Melania made a nice speech in the East room of the WH on the 26th. Why is there nothing in the news feed about that? OK it is funny that she wants to stop the negative social media with what we see from the hubby on a daily basis. But she did address the opiod crisis and encouraged the kids from the school shooting to speak up. Well done!

*****Jessica Ford has made yet another attempt to gain access to the White House. She was charged with possession of a gun which I guess they don’t like? She sure wants to make herself known in Washington.

*****The children who were rescued from the notoriously evil parents recently were each given a guitar from Fender.

*****A judge has sided with John Oliver and HBO after they were sued by Robert Murray. Murray, a coal exec was told by the West Virginia state court that the humorous jabs were satire and the other statements were based on judicial opinion and government reports.

*****Red Fawn Farris took a plea deal from charges related to Standing Rock. She pled guilty to civil disorder and possession of a firearm by a convicted felon. Sentencing will sometime after April.

*****I wonder if any journalists are trying to get interviews with the first lady? I would like to hear what she has to say.

***** Steve Martin and Martin Short: An evening you will forget for the rest of your life is coming to Netflix. Their tour continues and this night was taped in South Carolina.

***** The WH revolving door continues: Rob Porter out.. Rachel Brand out.. David Sorenson out..

***** Word is spreading that law enforcement is identifying some citizens as ‘black identity extremists’ which gives police license to monitor protestors. Just when the public calls out harsh treatment, they find another way in.

*****Can we all promise to never use the phrase ‘nothing burger’ ever again?

*****Putin is reportedly so happy with all the mess he has caused in this country.  With no sanctions being imposed, Turkey and China are now getting in the ‘fuck with the US elections’ game.** 13 Russians have been indicted and no Americans , so far, were involved. The operatives were supposed to do anything they could to hurt Hillary. It shows you how scared Russia was of her. So far, it looks like Trump campaigners helped unwittingly. ** Russia is now putting pro gun messages out there to add chaos to the Florida shooting.** Dozens of Russians were at the National prayer breakfast. Really? We need a unified Russian strategy. The elections are closer every day.  Trump just keeps acting like a cult leader and making it all about him. Children are dead and he just keeps tweeting his ‘innocence’ in the Russian investigation. ** The History channel is taking on Putin with a new special, America’s biggest threat: Vladimir Putin**Alex Van Der Zwann, a lawyer who was part of a Ukranian ministry has been indicted for false statements to the FBI.**Top Trump aide Rick Gates has pled guilty to secret foreign lobbying, lying to the FBI and helping Manafort cheat on his taxes. It seems he  committed another crime as he was making the deal!** Admiral Mike Rogers says they are not doing enough to stop the sustained aggression of Russia and he does not know why. Scary Clown says he is weighing several options.

*****No wonder so many put up with the way the WH tries to ‘handle’ us.  Fox , the NRA and much of the conservative movement has been grooming us for generations. They aren’t all as honorable as John McCain. Many churches spoon feed their congregations what they want them to believe, how they want them to vote. The term’ fake news’ fits right in with all this.  Stand up and investigate on your own, don’t just BELIEVE anyone!

*****Just when I start to get used to Meghan McCain, she is on camera rolling her eyes at the raw emotion of the kids and parents in the town hall meeting. ** The rumor is that Joy and Meghan fight a lot behind the scenes. I am not there but I think they probably get it out onstage. What is it about some conservatives that they seem to have such a problem with peace, love and compromise?

***** A complaint from whistleblower Helen Foster says that Cindy Carson, Ben’s wife pressured officials for big money to redecorate. $31,000 of taxpayer money was spent on a dining room set for Ben’s office. Federal law requires congressional approval to furnish or redecorate if costs exceed 5 thousand bucks. When Foster refused to comply she was demoted and transferred. The Department of housing and urban development has cut money for the homeless, the elderly and the poor.

*****Thank goodness for the Carl Reiners and the Ian Stewarts of the world who brought us wonderful art. They put their egos in check and approached things different than they had originally intended. The world needs more of this.

*****Wal Mart is really such a terrible place. I am much happier since I no longer give them money. I should have listened to my friends and done it a long time ago. Sometimes it has to hit me right in the face for me to see it.

***** One has to wonder if Rosenstein et al like it when Trumps doings shines a spotlight on them.

*****Andy Richter came thru his knee surgery ok.

*****So happy for The Philadelphia Eagles but what the fuck is the matter with those fans?  With celebrations like that and all the injuries, it might be good to see the end of football that has been  predicted.** It did seem a strange choice to me to have Justin Timberlake sing. Why not some diversity? Some other kinds of music genres? I mean.. boring!!

*****The Dow had its biggest 1 day drop ever. People have started to worry about inflation.

*****Jim Carrey is urging others to do dump Facebook stock and delete accounts. He called the Trump presidency a botched Russian black op.

*****Check out the committee to investigate Russia online.  Rob Reiner is on the advisory board talking to John Brennan and James Clapper.

***** Bastille day? Really? Our dictator wants a North Korean military style parade? Is he fucking kidding? How many homeless vets could be helped with the millions it would take to give him this parade?

*****A new HBO doc, Elvis Presley: The Searcher is coming. Director Thorn Zimmy had complete access to Graceland archives.  The score is from Pearl Jam’s Mike McCready and includes some deep cuts and alternate mixes.

*****Tribeca’s opening night will premiere a Gilda Radner doc: Love, Gilda.

*****Lenny Dykstra, a former buddy of Charlie sheen claims that Sheen is about to be brought down by the Feds. A Former inmate and Mets and Phillies team member, Dykstra is looking to make a documentary so some see an ulterior motive in talking. The charges he leveled were Sheens involvement in a murder, beating his pregnant x-wife, tax and wire fraud and knowingly spreading HIV. Lenny himself has been accused of being a racist and homophobe as well as indecent exposure, sexual assault and grand theft auto.

*****CNN’s The Radical story of patty Hearst is great. This is a story which will never go away and this is full of all the flashpoints. I am a bit sickened to listen to Bill Harris tell his story. He acts like he telling some cool story from a high school party or something as he tells of his role in the kidnapping and brainwashing of a woman. He looks so comfy and satisfied with himself.

*****Sam Waterston was back on law and Order SVU as Jack McCoy!!

*****Gerber chose Lucas Warren, the first down syndrome child ever picked as their spokesbaby.

*****Why was a tiny little company hired by FEMA to deliver meals? The 50 million needed  in Peurto Rico were suddenly reduced to 50 thousand. They claimed nobody missed a meal.

*****It may have started in Florida with the Marlins but in baseball spring training all the teams will wear Stoneman Douglas caps. Some of the major leaguers graduated from there. They will sign them and sell them to aid the victims.

*****So Jeff Sessions has taken back Obama’s memo that allows Native American nations all the same rights as legal Marijuana states to go into the weed biz. They are shutting them down one by one. The state of California is no help by locking tribes out of the market. How many times do you think this country has to kick our native brothers and sisters in the head? How much longer will we torture these people?

*****Kathy Griffin has done the pixie cut in support of her sister who died of cancer in September. Kathy says: “When you’re a woman, you get one fuck up and Its all over.”

*****The Berlin International film fest gave the top prize, the golden bear to Touch Me Not. Best director went to Wes Anderson for Isle of Dogs, best actor went to Anthony Bajon and best actress to Ana Brun.

*****Days alert: Ok.. Days, I do wish all soaps could be a bit more original than one night stands that produce babies and then the origin of said baby is hidden. I wish people did not always come back from the dead or good characters didn’t suddenly act evil when they could have told family and friends they were being blackmailed and got their help. OK that said and suspending disbelief we watch Days anyway cuz it is great. Anna is back and I hope they keep her around. I am so glad Eric and Jen found each other again. Please someone kill Stefan. MORE LUCAS! Let’s get the Raif/Hope/ Sami thing resolved so they can move on. When did Kerry get so hateful? And Eli should apologize to his Mother since he is going to lie to his child and for much lamer reasons than she did.** Where the fuck is Adrienne?** Nice call back as Stefan was reading the Kimberly Brady Donovan book about split personalities.

*****R.I.P. Dennis Edwards, Louis Zorich, Christopher Cattrall, John Mahoney, victims of the Taiwan quake, victims of the Florida shooting,  Reg E. Cathey, Johann Johannsson,  Asma Jahangir, Sue Barton, Levone Bennett Jr., Jim Downing, Nanette Fabray, the victims in Syria, Sridevi, Emma Chambers and Benjamin Melniker.

[i-am-very-very-tired]

Secretaz Dec 29, 2012 · #1 The line between dreams and reality? What mental disorders can make you to have difficulties with telling what is true and what is dream? Or is it a normal thing to happen? identitycrisis Dec 29, 2012 · #2 I'm no expert on mental illness, but that sounds like paranoid schizophrenia. tehuti88 online Dec 30, 2012 · #3 Some forms of schizophrenia can do this. Dissociative disorders such as depersonalization disorder and derealization can really make one doubt what's real and what's not. In fact, if you're having trouble telling the difference between dream and reality, I think maybe you should look into that before assuming you have schizophrenia, since often people with a true psychosis don't worry that they're going crazy, they believe they're sane. (This doesn't always hold for early stages, granted.) Sometimes mania (as in bipolar disorder) can cause one to start to get delusional or hallucinate, but I imagine you'd have shown signs of ups and downs before now. Whatever the answer is...you won't find enough info, or a solution, on a message forum. You'd do best seeing a professional. It's usually not normal to be unable to tell dreams from reality. bottleofblues Dec 30, 2012 · #4 Sounds trippy like something out of that movie inception. But i imagine for someone who suffers from schizophrenia it must be pretty horrible. I personally prefer my dreams over reality, in my dreams i visit new exciting lands all the time and meet lots of interesting people, reality is the opposite for me, i wish i could stay for ever in my dream world or least several decades like leonardo and his wife did in inception. Reclus Dec 30, 2012 · #5 They are not mental disorders, but they are frequently misdiagnosed as them: chronic insomnia and sleep disorders. Insomnia and sleep disorders can blur the line between dreams and reality. You are left feeling like you are in a netherworld where you are neither really awake nor asleep. whattothink Dec 30, 2012 · #6 Secretaz said: Original Post What mental disorders can make you to have difficulties with telling what is true and what is dream? Or is it a normal thing to happen? You should try to be more descriptive. Do you have trouble distinguishing dream events from real events? Are you unaware if you are awake or dreaming? Do feel as though you drift between lucid day dreams/fantasy and reality blurring the two? Twelve Keyz Dec 30, 2012 · #7 if you have trouble distinguishing your dreams from reality, it's time to see a psychiatrist/doctor. Seriously. Secretaz Dec 30, 2012 · #8 Twelve Keyz said: Original Post if you have trouble distinguishing your dreams from reality, it's time to see a psychiatrist/doctor. Seriously. It is not like that always, it happens to me just every now and then. But this week it has happened so many times that i got worried, its more than ever before. Psychiatrists, doctors, etc can't know what is wrong with my mind, only thing they're able to do is misdiagnose me with disorders i don't have and misunderstand everything what i say. I'm the psychiatrist of my own mind, no one else knows anything about it. I am the only one who can help me. Secretaz Dec 30, 2012 · #9 whattothink said: Original Post You should try to be more descriptive. Do you have trouble distinguishing dream events from real events? Are you unaware if you are awake or dreaming? Do feel as though you drift between lucid day dreams/fantasy and reality blurring the two? When it happens to me, i think the things that happened in my dreams have happened in real. Like two days ago, i had a dream that i had a car(in real i don't even have a driving license yet) and i got in crash with that car. It happened near to my home and the car got totally broken. I was panicking how to tell my parents that i managed to break my new car... When i woke up, i again started to wonder how do i tell my parents about the car, and i panicked again, my dad would be so angry. I was afraid my parents have seen my broken car because its near to our home. I just sat in my bed for a long time trying to figure out what to do. Then i realized that wtf i don't have driving license, i don't even know how to drive.. I realized i have never even had a car, it was just a dream. But for a while i thought it had happened in real. I don't feel like i'm dreaming while i'm awake, it's just that i think the things in my dreams have happened in real. tehuti88 online Dec 31, 2012 · #10 Secretaz said: Original Post When it happens to me, i think the things that happened in my dreams have happened in real. Like two days ago, i had a dream that i had a car(in real i don't even have a driving license yet) and i got in crash with that car. It happened near to my home and the car got totally broken. I was panicking how to tell my parents that i managed to break my new car... When i woke up, i again started to wonder how do i tell my parents about the car, and i panicked again, my dad would be so angry. I was afraid my parents have seen my broken car because its near to our home. I just sat in my bed for a long time trying to figure out what to do. Then i realized that wtf i don't have driving license, i don't even know how to drive.. I realized i have never even had a car, it was just a dream. But for a while i thought it had happened in real. I don't feel like i'm dreaming while i'm awake, it's just that i think the things in my dreams have happened in real. This actually sounds a lot less worrisome than what I was thinking based on your original question. I sometimes experience the same thing myself; immediately or for a short while after awakening I'll think something really happened when in fact it was merely in a dream, and I'll have to think about it a bit to actually work it out that it didn't happen. It might be related to a sleep disorder as already suggested, or you just experience your dreams as so realistic, and are a bit foggy after waking up, that you have to work through them to determine they didn't happen. It's not too uncommon to be mentally confused upon awakening. Clarification--for how long do you suspect that something that happened in a dream happened in reality? Does this happen only shortly after awakening, or does it ever happen an extended period after you had the dream, like much later in the day, or even days later...? What's the longest it's taken you to realize something was a dream and it didn't really happen? If it's taking you really extended periods of time to determine something was a dream, then yes, that might still be a problem. http://www.socialanxietysupport.com/forum/f33/the-line-between-dreams-and-reality-226194/#/topics/226194?page=1

[achanceforus-x-blog]

My story so far

I am writing this to hopefully raise awareness and shed some light on situations people ignore or dismiss. I want to help people no matter what their going through with my words , my wisdom and inspire and give my strength to anyone who feels they have none left. My story so far .. A few major things had happened in the years before hand (Ill save these stories for another time) causing my mental health to deteriorate (such a big problem in our generation, thats just kept so secretive) Feeling lost and deflated keeping quiet about all my problems , our problems keeping shit to myself. Feeling to breathless and anxious to even leave the house for work. Falling out with friends because I was weak they thought I was stupid for all Ive put up with, a toxic relationship. Me and my long term partner would just argue and fuss and fight for hours to the point of ultimate distress on both halves. Neither of us really knew what we wanted when you've been romantic with one person for so long it can get really crazy I believe noones a bad person though I believe people only do bad things and thats the stage we were at doing bad things. The physical altercations got to much for us both it seemed as though we were killing each other slowly. Who bruises someone they love? Who try's to hurt them with wicked words? Im so done been a wicked person but we both had a bad mental state and combined it was not pretty. I lived with him and his family in not the most comfortable environment this could also spark our disagreements. Working full time jobs, missing each other , no trust in each other , assumptions , we even thought it was acceptable to lay our hands on one another at some points which is never ok on either part male or female. So with all this been said what the hell was a girl to do I felt I couldn't go home to my mother as it had been to long I was kind of brainwashed id fantasise about the days I didn't have to stay at my partners family's house anymore. One day I just became exhausted the fighting became to much and I finally stopped provoking and reacting then we remembered we can talk to each other. So after about a week of exhaustion and finally getting along again I started not to feel myself even more we got drunk at a christmas party ( I had some time of work and got drunk every day since the 16th December until just after christmas to numb my issues ) but this time we both got drunk at the party and we started loving on each other again like we had before he made a silly comment about my belly and said I had a little him in there. Which we both just laughed off drunkly as I thought yeah impossible. This comment didnt leave my mind all night then when a still slightly drunk but a more sober me woke up that comment was the first thing on my mind. I asked him what the fuck he meant?! He said he was just drunk and playing with me. Then I started to think wait I havent been feeling right for awhile I put it down to just been sad. But something kind of clicked in me I felt sick and I turned to my partner and said omg you've gotta get me a test he looked puzzled but when I explained he went to the corner shop and came back with three tests. I was terrified not to lie , id been pregnant before when I was younger and that didn't end well as they couldn't find a heartbeat .. Pure dread came into my heart and pure fear I started to feel more sick and panicked than ever. What if I lost a baby again I already accepted the fact I couldn't carry nor could I get pregnant again after the damage left and the blood transfusions and all the struggles of the time before. I didn't even want to be a mother at all , or did I ? No not Atleast until I was like 30 or something id pushed all thoughts of ever been someones mother out of my head for a while as it was to painful. Ugh why me , why didn't we glove up why did it have to feel so good why why why and then to think I had been drinking and smoking. Shit. I stopped all these thoughts and quickly manned up and took all the tests to the bathroom. All positive. Shit. Id not long started a great new job though , I was really excelling and I dont wanna be a mother and surely history would repeat itself? Were the tests right? I cant even get pregnant can I? Ive been drinking so much and smoking, ive been so sad ive been getting into scraps with my partner how far gone was I? Had we scrapped when I was pregnant? Im trapped. So many thoughts I sat in the bathroom and just let out a deep breath. Im the strongest person I know lol or am I or do I just suppress shit and abuse substances to get over the way i felt ? Either way I felt strong I know im strong after everything id been through before in the past year let alone the past few years. Okay It is what it is man. Walked out the bathroom and handed my partner all the tests we looked at each other he widened his eyes then he smiled real hard probably the most he'd smiled at me in a long time, he was happy but he was worried because he to lost his baby when I did before. We both lost the baby. It was ours and now we were faced with that feeling once again omg were pregnant wtf to do?! Not to mention We found out on new years eve!! So all of our plans cancelled. Man if this wasnt the time for me to get drunk and high I dont know what was. So we left it for a few days. We agreed to rebuild ourselves and rebuild our friendship and then out relationship. We obviously still loved and cared for each other but we had to make a pact no more toxic mess not around my baby no way no how. No More drinking for me I told myself I also stopped smoking cigarettes I was the moodiest id been in a month or so withdrawal symptoms really aint the one. I found it extremely hard to stop getting high though truthfully that had been my addiction and coping mechanism for years I felt even more lost wondering what the fuck I was gonna do without getting high everyday after work after a busy day after just having to wake up. Truly exhausting. Still only me and my partner knew our secret whilst I struggled to come to terms with it. At work I had the worst morning sickness ever I wont post to much about this but my job included me having to be really hands on and alert at all times It was getting real tough. I needed to tell someone. I told my manager their reaction wasn't really what I needed I guess they felt I was deliberately(damn it took spell check along time to figure out wtf I was just tryna spell) deliberately ruining their business. Great. And more exhaustion and more morning sickness. I need my mom Yo. The next day I went to my moms house and just came right out with everything she was shocked , happy , scared because of last time of course. My darling mom man I missed her she reacted just how Id wanted her to by getting my shits together telling me I had to make decisions from now and ultimately booking me a private paid scan for the next evening to check everything was ok. Work on this day was the worst all I could think about was whether I was gonna see that little heartbeat or whether it would have stopped like last time, like last time like last time all i kept thinking was like last time. Jesus get me the fuck out of here It was going slow though because I was clock watching. Finally it was time to leave i was outta there in no time I felt so sick driving to the scan place we picked up my partner It was just us three I could tell my mom and him were terrified to but they were just tryna be happy and make me laugh but i literally couldn't even speak I just felt so weird , silence please until we get this over with. So we arrive at the place and I swear my feet stopped working and my legs like I couldn't even get out of the car, mom helped me. Okay this is it. There was like a ten minute wait for the sonographer it felt more like ten fucking hours. Id zoned anyway I didnt know what anyone was saying and if they were talking to me I wasnt listening, finally they called me. We got into the scan room and oh my life Ive never experienced fear like it I personally thought I was fearless nothing scared me but this did. My mom literally had to lift me onto the bed and pull up my top for the scan and then explain to the sonographer Id had a bad experience in the past. My partner looked at me and smiled but I could see past his smile I could tell he was fucking shit scared just like me so he came and held my hand she rubbed the cold jelly on my stomach and began to look around Id covered my eyes by this point cos in my head I thought well at least this time if theres no heartbeat I wouldn't have to see it. I heard people talking my mom , the sonographer , some other woman in the back supervising I just wasnt listening to what they were saying my mom stood up and took my hands from my eyes and said its okay look! I looked and there was my beautiful little bean with the strongest heartbeat ive ever saw the sonographer turned to me and said your only eight weeks so not far gone at all but they have a real strong heartbeat and so far everything looks fine. I just froze and started sobbing. My little bean I couldn't believe it they printed us some scan pictures and I prized myself up of their bed and we went back to my moms house on the way back I was sick all over myself in the car in my new tracksuit that was really something. A part of me just couldn't believe I had a living thing inside of me. Wow got to my moms house cleaned up and ate some food and we talked and we made decisions and I told her I didn't wanna be a mother and she told me really it was tough and I should of thought about it before I didnt use protection. Lol typical thanks mom though I needed that. So I should have been relaxed cos there was a heartbeat but all I kept thinking about was would they even make it another week inside me I really didnt believe I was capable of bringing another life into this world. She dropped us back to my partners families house were we lived and my partner told his family they were happy for us his mother especially. We sat in our bedroom and I just cried on him for abit then he made a spliff and I had a few drags ( I know its bad but try not to judge me ) id read marijuana could help with sickness . Yeah anything to make it sound better. Fast forward a little bit to a week or so and I had a couple of appointments at the hospital due to what had happened before they wanted to double check me and see if I was okay. My manager was not at all happy about how many appointments I was having constantly making sly remarks and comments giving me the silent treatment telling me I was causing them to have to find cover. My initial thoughts whatever trevor I'm still here still working still trying my best your the least of my worries and just ignored them and looked forward to going to bed as the exhaustion was unreal Id never felt a tiredness like it honestly. Fatigue. Back at my partners house him and his mother had had a few disagreements lately and then one night it got really bad and a lot of harsh things were said and eventually she told him he had till the end of the week to get out. What ! I was shocked where was I gonna go ? All pregnant and shit clearly I had to go with him I hadnt left his side at the best of times never mind staying somewhere he'd been kicked out of. Weird shit I made the split second decision and told him lets leave now we grabbed a few bits we needed for the next couple days and left right there and then. Where we gonna go !? My partner asked I didnt even know I just knew I didnt wanna stay there any longer. I called my mom and briefly explained she didnt have a clue what I was talking about it was half eleven at night and everyone had work early in the morning she just said yes then we turned up at her house at midnight , a couple of lost puppies like hey. She just made sure we were okay we'd ate and we had somewhere to sleep with all her blankets and pillows. Fast forward a little bit I really wanted to move into our own place so I started saving over half my wages for the next two months and just stacking up buying things for the place we found , he was saving to , we'd saved more money then than in our whole lives , I mean it seemed real easy I wasnt buying bottles of alcohol all the time I wasnt buying cigarettes I wasnt buying weed no clothes cos I figured id just grow out of them soon anyway so my money was literally untouched so saving and buying household goods was all me for the next few weeks. I wasnt happy but I was at peace. We viewed a flat and I knew it was the one man I just didnt think we stood a chance as it was in a posh area and quite expensive and we were not posh and you know how landlords would stereotype a young black couple so I really began to give up hope of finding somewhere. But then they called and told us the place was all ours and we could come and collect the keys in two weeks I was so happy we were happy, it felt like things were finally gonna go right. The day before I was due to move in my manager dismissed me unfairly due to pregnancy discrimination. It didn't come as much of a shock because of all the shit id put up with them since telling them I was pregnant, but I couldnt believe people could actually do this stuff to people. It was disgusting I was so mad and now breaking down because I didnt even know if id be able to afford to live in our beautiful new home. All the stuff we'd brought and I didnt wanna be a young mom living in at my mothers house it was all just to much once again I manned up and realised I had alot of savings and still had another wage to come my way and some unpaid holiday so I was going to be okay until that ran out. Of course my partner works hard and he could pay everything but that is not something I wanted either so I made sure to even out my savings to last until the summer by then id be receiving maternity pay anyway. I was terrified for the 12 week scan as alot of pregnancies dont make it to the 2nd trimester all I could think about was what I had lost before I just couldn't accept anything good would happen for me so once again sick and nervous I went to my next scan and there it was again a beautiful little heartbeat , so strong and the way they were wiggling about in me on the scan I still just could not believe it more scan photos were given and I left feeling abit happier once again still filled with terror and worry. I began to wonder whether or not id ever be able to enjoy been pregnant and if it was even worth it worth putting on the fake smiles every day worth looking at my changing body going from been super underweight hardly , controlled eating basically not eating at all - when I was sad cos It was the only thing I felt I had control over , to having no choice but to eat constantly all the time even through all the horrible morning sickness that FYI doesnt just fucking occur in the mornings. Ugh. Whatever. I have no choice for me pregnancy felt horrible its a really weird experience I didn't understand how women skipped about with their big bellies all happy and excited cos I was not happy or excited I loved my baby of course but It filled me with dread to think I could be growing them but never get to meet them again I just was not prepared for this at all and Im twenty years old. Isnt that old enough? Hell no. But theres nothing I can do. Fast forward 16 weeks pregnant and received news you can pay for a private scan to reveal the gender. So basically to put it blunt I thought everytime I had another scan I wouldnt see the babies heartbeat sounds paranoid and ridiculous and surely after three scans id calm down . Nope it got worse for me. So of course I wanted to find out the gender but for me it was just another way to see if the baby was still alive in me. The day of my gender scan I actually had an appointment with the midwife to listen to the heartbeat. So i went into that terrified as well my midwife knew how scared I was and dealt with me really nicely she eased me into it and then I heard my beautiful baby's heartbeat for the first time. Oh my God it was shocking I felt breathless I was listening to my baby's heartbeat. (Ive just noticed excuse my poor grammar throughout I never liked school lol) but that heartbeat the most special thing to me its all I could think about. Then in the evening when it came to my private scan I was still terrified at finding their heartbeat even though id heard it literally a few hours before! It was then that I realised I actually had a real problem. But whatever suppressed that again and readied myself for what they were saying in the scan. So I brought along my sister my dad my mom my partner and my bestfriend as you were paying you could have five people in the room lol. This if your highly nervous I wouldnt recommend they were all so excited and happy I just couldnt figure out how they were so excited and happy whilst I was miserable and terrified. So on the scan table the cold jelly again and then the sonographer started to feel around I covered my eyes again of course like I did every scan then got the all clear that there was a heartbeat then started to watch it was beautiful I couldnt get over the fact a little human was inside my belly so weird so magical wow. The sonographer asked so do you want to know the sex my family were all like wooo yeahh I didnt say anything just half heartedly smiled all of a sudden then sonographer told me its a girl!!! Oh my God. I had a little girl growing inside me a mini me. I sobbed abit again. Unreal my very own little daughter. So overwhelming that I actually started to feel really upset thats another thing about been pregnant these raging hormones noone warns you about this stuff I swear. So we were having a little girl (something my partner had said all along) and I was still not happy. I started to feel really selfish and bad. I explained I felt lonely I dont know how when I wasn't alone but it was just not a great feeling at all I really needed help I started to act irrationally and like an emotional wreck I definitely needed to accept some help so a week or so later I spoke up and was referred to a mental health midwife. Which to me sounded dramatic as fuck. But cos id struggled with mental health before it was something they had recommended anyway but stubborn old me didn't take the help. But now it was official I was dealing with antenatal depression like a constant feeling of impending doom I just couldn't be happy ever again could I? At Least not until my daughter was in my arms. I dont do talking or taking sad pills I couldn't drink I couldn't get high or control my eating like before not to mention I couldnt just have the maddest sex session either as I was scared that would harm my baby to. Ugh. I couldn't do nothing man because I was pregnant so my stress went straight to my head all everyone kept saying was dont stress you'll stress out the baby. Like really thank fuck you just said that never thought of that before. I literally couldnt listen to people and their stupid comments I just tried to accept they were trying to help and whatever they were saying was in my best interest. Okay Now this is were my story so far gets real fucked up. Ive been trying to think how to word this since before even starting to write this. Writing it in my head over and over but this is were it gets really personal to me. We're almost up to the current point in my story so far to. So 19 weeks pregnant I am terrified (surprise) for my next scan next week, its the 20 week scan it looks at your baby and your inside properly in abit more detail and sees if things are forming the way they should with the baby and with the umbilical cord, the placenta, the sack of fluid baby is in just all sorts of things. So of course im fearing the worst noone gets why I always fear the worst but I did it before been pregnant anyway so now im pregnant it just made it that bit worse for me. Im showing now by the way got a right little belly going on lol my moms started with a baby box , little socks her first teddy , a couple outfits she even managed to convince me to buy my little girl something I brought her some girly dinosaur baby grows as Id never saw dinosaurs for girls before and I loved it. So this beautiful little baby girl box. I looked through now and again and I wouldnt say I got used to been pregnant but I started to feel her little movements her little swimming and butterfly movements in my tummy so as much as Id tried to stay detached incase of any loss I was attatched whether I liked it or not. My baby girl. I pictured what shed look like , where id take her , what me and my partner would be like with a baby and what a daddy he would be. Holidays with her and just the rest of my life with her. My saviour she'd even made me able to forgive my partner and to care a lot less about the silly little things in life when I think about it she's the only reason Id found a way to want to live again, like she'd given me a purpose like I didnt need to have my eating disorders anymore or get high or get drunk all I needed was to feel her move. I dreamed about kissing and feeling her skin for the first time, I just couldnt believe id been given the opportunity from God to bring one of his angels onto the earth. Had me really in my feelings and thats not me at all. Crazy shit. Anyway back to the scan. Im 21 weeks and 3 days now and its the day of my scan to see if everything's okay me and my partner are nervous of course but im with my mom and him again and there telling me everything's gonna be fine and I just need to chill out. So we get into the scan I cover my eyes once again and then the doctor tells me theres a heartbeat , a strong heartbeat. so I open my eyes and start to look his scanning all over explaining what he can see so far then he goes quiet and starts to scan the same place over and over again, her heart. So I just get a feeling somethings wrong. A single tear comes out my eye and I just lye on the bed waiting for him to say something to give me some information , finally he says im just going to get a second opinion. Thanks for all that info Dr fucking who. My mom and my partners faces they look so sad , so sad for me for them for us all man we dont understand whats going on were just waiting for them to say something more. Two doctors come in the room and scan her heart again shes wriggling all over the place at this point sucking her thumb , waving her arms. I just cant look at the screen anymore I cant bring myself to look at her. The doctor says im so sorry but we suspect she has hypo plastic left heart syndrome, well fuck me. From when he said im so sorry I just couldnt breathe again I didnt even know what the fuck he meant but im scared and im upset and im desperate. My partner looks so sad to. I just feel so bad I just want to apoligize to everyone I just dont understand why I cant do this one thing a women's supposed to do. So the doctor gives us some notes and refers us to a fetal medicine scanner to confirm the diagnosis. Basically the left side of her heart hadn't formed properly he told us what to look at online and what to read etc. I just couldnt believe it. I felt like a fool for ever believing something good could happen for me for us. So we left thinking we had nothing left. I had already started grieving and she wasnt even gone! I was grieving like she was though I just lost all hope. Reading up on the syndrome it means she will need open heart surgery at just a few hours old, then another open heart surgery at around 7 months if she was even to make it through the first op. Then another open heart surgery at 2/3 years old. Then eventually a heart transplant as her heart will never work like a normal heart and it can never be fixed. Well ill be damned. I spent the next few days until the fetal medicine scan breaking down in the shower and staying in bed anything I was doing included bed I didnt wanna leave bed I didnt wanna talk to anyone I was defeated. I couldn't bring myself to go into the room with that damn baby box. Fetal medicine scan day. Which are more skilled doctors sonographers that specify in looking at problems and confirming them. By this point id given up been scared before the scan as I was scared everyday. Waking up was like hearing the diagnosis all over again because as soon as I opened my eyes I would remember. So the doctors scanned and it was confirmed hypoplastic left heart syndrome my poor baby girl thinking of everything shes gonna have to deal with. How long would I know her? If I got to know her at all would she even survive the first op? Second? Third? What the fuck. Why me? Why me and my baby Im a good person Ive done a few bad things but ive dealt with more bad Jesus why me ? Did I really not deserve a break I just couldnt believe my luck. They offered me three options. Termination. Which I considered for a little while as I believed it would hurt less if I lost her now than loosing her when Id met her. Is it better to have loved and lost or to have lost and never loved? What kind of shitty statement is that I dont even know what to think anymore. I decide if shes still fighting then I have to fight with her I cant just give up hope for my baby girl. So cancel out that option. Next. They offer the three stages of the operations but thats not including any complications and operations to fix anything else that goes wrong oh and also my baby has to weigh over 5 pounds to be able to have these operations anyway and cant have any chromosomal issues such as down syndrome or Edwards syndrome then they really cant operate at all and nature just has to take its way. And the last option was compassionate care so when my baby's born they help us plan the funeral and give us extra support. To me all these options were fucked the fuck up and I just didnt want to have to choose any of them. We had like a week to make a decision until we met with the cardiologist who would explain my little girls problems in more depth as every baby is different of course and look in depth at her little heart. See if it was even possible to operate how much damage was actually done. Well fuck me. I seriously didnt even know this condition existed and neither did my family and friends. I couldn't help but just feel grief and defeat. But as long as my daughter kept fighting I knew that I was going to so we picked the second option deciding to go through with the operations if that was a possibility for her. Appointment over. I couldnt even bring myself to look at my stomach that night truth be told i couldn't even look at myself at all. I just felt like a failure If i couldn't do this what could I do? I thought about how my life will never be the same ever again as most babies take up to three months to leave the hospital if they even get to at all how much we'd have to be in the hospital for the rest of her life. Weve been dealt some real shit cards. Cant I just give her some of my heart? Cant my partner give some of his heart? We would give her anything she needed. Not possible. Ive tried to think of how to explain the next week to you guys but its impossible to put into words for me it felt like been in a box in the deepest point of the sea and seeing a random submarine in the distance but if you try to scream to get its attention you'd drown. Although that comparison is shitty because nothing could compare to the way I was feeling. Grief pure grief and heart break, I didnt know why God kept testing me but I also didnt want to question him. Cardiologist appointment arrived and in we went again to check over our baby. So her little heart is underdeveloped and the right side is doing everything for the left side. Everything else looks fine her growth is normal and her movements. The biggest problem though her heart. Now there are four severe things that could be wrong with her heart adding to her syndrome meaning she is unable to have the operation and she only had one of them. Her areola a small vaule to the heart was only 1mm big which will make it harder for the surgeons performing her operation. So it makes a high risk operation even more high risk. Then the cardiologist started coming at us with statistics and they sounded real shit , any hope I'd had left she knocked it the fuck out of me. Information overload I just couldnt believe what I was hearing still all I kept thinking about was how long we're going to know her for I mean we still dont know what were dealing with properly until shes here anyway all we know is she has a 25/75 chance of survival with the op . And a even lower chance without the op. So much to take in. We were told a charity named little hearts matter would get in touch with us and that we could go and visit parents or surviving babies after the op and then we would go and have a look at the children's hospital where our baby will be transported to straight after birth ( I wont even get to hold her until after the op ) blah blah blah just more words that hurt and I just wanted to get into bed. Left that appointment feeling worse than when we went in. I cried a hell of alot that night to in the shower were I felt I could just sit with the freezing cold water hitting me trying to wake me up out of this emotional daze I had dropped into. I went a walk and contemplated just jumping into the moving traffic so me and her could just be free together in a better place. No I refuse to sink. After that I realised most people my age could not put up with half the stuff I've been through hell people twice my age couldn't. I remembered I was super strong (more so than ever before) and that my daughter was just as strong as her mommy. The next day we spoke with the charity and now theres a lovely lady who calls me to see if were okay and how baby's doing. And I have more hope than ever I believe everything is going to be okay in the end and God only tests his strongest people. My baby girl is my will to live and she keeps me strong and she now kicks me real hard every single day her daddy feels and sees her kicks and so do my family and friends. She's so beautiful and strong im now 25 weeks and waiting on more scans I have to have one every two weeks and endless appointments monitoring her. Im a high risk pregnancy but I'm okay for the first time in a while and whenever I have a down day and cry a little my baby makes sure to kick me so I know she doesnt want her mommy to be sad. Dont get me wrong nothing is cured certainly my despair and broken heart for her broken heart, some days I feel like I can take on the world and anything it throws my way and other days I cant imagine loosing my little darling , it really hurts not knowing how long I may know her for. But I just have to accept life is an amazing gift no matter how short or long. And although I'm to young to be dealing with all this shit I'm making it my mission to deal with all of this shit just for my girl. And I hope to raise awareness on alot of issues raised in my post. Ill be writing more when the times right and thankyou for listening x https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=1700345300267324&id=1696783053956882 https://www.betterhelp.com/start/?utm_source=AdWords&utm_medium=Search_PPC_m&utm_term=mental+health+helpline_p&utm_content=41730113956&network=g&placement=&target=&matchtype=p&utm_campaign=384715930_mobile&ad_type=text&adposition=1t1&gclid=CK7R9-e03tMCFcy37QodO20LaA&gor=start-go&fv=d http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/Pages/mental-health-helplines.aspx https://www.nct.org.uk/pregnancy/antenatal-depression http://mensadviceline.org.uk https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/helpline/ My story so far ! .. Stay tuned. #mentalhealth #awareness #littleheartsmatter #speak #useyourvoice #love #follow #strong #pleaseread #story