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love-dreams · 5 years ago

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for the last time

jeonghan/reader | mental illness!au | angst, fluff

synopsis: in which jeonghan wants to do everything for one last time

content: depression, suicidal thoughts, character suicide

notes: WTF TUMBLR APP DELETED EVERYTHING anyway...more a/n in the m.list!!

wc: 1.3k

“please, y/n, don’t leave me, i’m sorry, i’m so sorry-!”

it was almost like a ritual at this point, waking up to nightmares, drenched in sweat, with his heartbeat pounding in his chest while lying in bed. holding his head with trembling fingertips, jeonghan tried to recall the events of his dream, trying to pinpoint the cause of his nightmare. he sighed before giving up, running his fingers through his sweaty, damp hair.

looking over at his bedside table, jeonghan saw his phone lit up with multiple messages from his best friends.

jeonghan grabbed his phone and got out of bed, checking messages from seungcheol and joshua while brushing his teeth. recently, the pair had been checking up on jeonghan to make sure he was getting out of bed everyday.

jeonghan knew he didn’t have much time left in the world, but even with that impending doom in the back of his mind, he didn’t want to see his other friends suffer like he had. mustering up his strength, he put on a smile and before leaving the bathroom, flashing one last smile at the mirror.

>>[p.sc] jeonghan, don’t forget to take your meds

jeonghan checked his phone again as it buzzed on the table, smiling to himself at how caring seungcheol was. these days jeonghan couldn’t find the motivation to even make breakfast, instead, he just filled up a glass of water, sitting down at the table to reply to his friends.

<<[me] already did, mwah

<<[me] @joshua, i’m dropping by your campus later today, you forgot your notebook

>>[h.js] thanks bro!! remember to eat breakfast

after sending the message, jeonghan let out a sigh and leaned back into his chair. his life really was miserable after you had left him. jeonghan had no motivation to do anything, he couldn’t sleep or even eat. the only thing that kept him going was staying with seungcheol and joshua. tapping his fingers against the polished wood table, jeonghan tried to recall the event of his dream again.

then, taking a sharp breath, jeonghan stood up determinedly; he wanted to go back to your shared apartment for the last time.

he remembered the painted walls and pictures on the table during the dream and all jeonghan knew was that he needed to be there again.

but he needed to see seungcheol and joshua first before he left.

“how was your day so far, jisoo?”

“it’s been good so far. thanks so much for bringing this with you, jeonghan!”

jeonghan laughed, “aren’t you taking advantage of me living with you a little?”

seungcheol seemed to notice something wasn’t right about jeonghan’s manner, and piped up, “jeonghan, did you get my text this morning?”

jeonghan nodded, smiling as he showed him the pill bottle. “yep! i even brought it with me so i wouldn’t forget to take some this afternoon.”

seungcheol relaxed, “it’s been awhile since we’ve gone out together.”

for a moment, jeonghan’s smile fell off his face before he quickly forced it back upright. jeonghan nodded, reading between the lines of what seungcheol was saying: “it’s been awhile since we’ve gone out together, because you used to always be with y/n.”

after that lunch, jeonghan left to take a walk by the han river, marveling at the beautiful weather today. as he followed the trail, he slowly made his way to your apartment complex, the old building had the same charm it always had.

as jeonghan climbed up the concrete stairs, he suddenly had a rush of deja vu, causing him to slightly stumble.

“i don’t even get why you went to that stupid party, you know how shit you are at drinking.”

jeonghan dragged your body up the stairs as you struggled to maintain balance.

panting, you huffed out, “shut up jeonghan, i just wanted to have some fun.”

jeonghan grunted as he looked down at you from above, “are you saying i’m not fun? ‘cause i can totally be fun.”

you laughed as you made it to the last stair, collapsing onto the dirty cement.

jeonghan panted beside you, still standing up, “get up, y/n, we’re almost at the apartment.” he tapped you on the side with his foot, his height towering over you.

you smiled drunkenly, “you’re so pretty, jeonghan.”

jeonghan sighed, propping you up. he squished your cheeks together, “you know that i like to be called handsome more. now, up you go!”

jeonghan chuckled at the memory. before he knew it, he was at the top of the stairs, on the floor of your apartment.

it had been what seemed like a lifetime since he climbed these exact stairs.

when you died, he didn’t have the heart to sell your apartment. it held all the memories jeonghan cherished so much, it felt like losing a piece of you.

standing in front of the door to your shared apartment, jeonghan got hit with a wave of nostalgia. unable to push back at the rush of emotions, jeonghan leaned against the wall, his chest suddenly unbearably tight.

he should have been there for you.

straightening up, jeonghan put on his brave facade and unlocked the door. after you died, jeonghan hadn’t returned to the apartment you shared, the pain was too great. looking around the room, jeonghan could almost smell your perfume and shampoo that you always wore. nothing had changed since your death, your parents hadn’t come to collect your things. dropping his bag, jeonghan started to wander around the small room until he came to a stop in front of your room.

he couldn’t hold it in, breaking down in front of your room, sobs wracking through his slim frame. jeonghan covered his face, as if you could see him, tears running down his arms. guilt was rushing through him and his chest became unbearably tight. out of the corner of his eye, he saw his bag, the pill bottle in the compartment outside of the backpack.

“jeonghan, i’m so proud of you, baby!”

jeonghan smiled at you cheering for him, he tickled you, “i can’t wait to go to your art gallery as well.”

you laughed, bubbly happiness surging through the both of you. jeonghan had just performed his first concert in front of your university classmates. there weren’t a lot of people there, a couple of hundred, but it was stunning to see him on stage.

you cupped his face gently, “make sure you don’t miss it, okay?”

jeonghan choked at the memory, his chest tightening even more. it felt as if his heart was being squeezed, suffocating him. taking raspy breaths, jeonghan could finally breathe again. crawling over to his bag, jeonghan collapsed against the front door. picking up the pill bottle with his trembling fingers; jeonghan stared at it.

“i just wanted...you to be there for me, this one time!”

you were crying now, a tear streaming down your face.

jeonghan sighed exasperatedly, “i know and i’m sorry okay? i had to practice for the next concert and i just forgot.”

you glared at jeonghan, “that’s the problem, jeonghan. you always forget about us,” then you turned on your heel and spun out of the apartment, slamming the door on your way out.

jeonghan unscrewed the cap, peering though his tears at the pills inside.

“jeonghan, i’m so sorry...they were too late...”

their voices were all so muffled and distorted at that time, jeonghan couldn’t even hear them over the rushing of his blood.

jeonghan collapsed on the hospital floor, sobs wracking through his body. he would never see your smile again, never be able to hold you, never be able to-

“oh god,” jeonghan gasped out. he had never told you he loved you..

jeonghan reached a trembling hand in and inspected the single pill before swallowing it.

“she wanted you to have this.”

jeonghan reluctantly took the letter. flipping it over, he saw his name written in your handwriting. jeonghan left your letter in his coat pocket for two days before gathering the courage to open it.

gathering some more pills into his hand, jeonghan pulled out the folded piece of paper from his pocket; he always kept it with him no matter where he went.

“my love, jeonghan,

if you’re reading this, it must be too late for me. you must think that this was your fault, but i want you to know that it wasn’t. being with you these years have been my happiest moments, but i want you to be happy as well, jeonghan. you deserve better, i guess. i’m crying while i’m writing this because i really miss you right now. i regret yelling at you, i regret walking out. i’m sorry, jeonghan. i must be really cowardly, to not tell you these words in person, but jeonghan, please know

i love you. be happy for me,

y/n.”

jeonghan re-screwed on the cap, dumping the pills back in. he had to honor your last wish. slowly standing up, jeonghan pulled out another piece of paper: the pledis entertainment business card.

i’m sorry, my love. i can’t be happy without you here, but i’ll try. i promise i’ll try.

pulling out his phone, jeonghan quickly sent out a text to joshua and seungcheol.

>>[me] i’m trying out with you guys.

jeonghan loved for the last time.

#jeonghan angst #seventeen angst #seventeen/reader #jeonghan/reader #jeonghan fic #seventeen fic #kpop #fallin' flower #jeonghan scenario #jeonghan imagines #seventeen jeonghan #yoon jeonghan #g:seventeen #m:jeonghan

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eallisnwndrlnd · 6 years ago

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Moving On From 2018

One thing I can say that I love about New Years is that it’s like life feels like it gave you a bit of a reset button. Not erasing anything but at least working towards improving what you did or didn’t do the past year. I definitely need that reset for this past year 2018.

Most of the year was in a bit of a stressful blur. I’m not going to bother reflecting on my previous New Years post since most of what I had hoped to come into fruition didn’t. All I can say is despite my battle with my depression and anxiety being the major factor in my stressed out year, I managed to accomplish some things. May not have been most of what I had planned but hey, that’s life sometimes.

This past 2018 I completed my 3rd year, completed my internship hours and my first semester of my last school year in college.

Even if I didn’t get in any of the companies I may have wished for my internship, I was lucky to find a company where I had a chance to utilize my skills and creativity in my writing and photography. It was pretty stressful initially when I was not getting any response from any of the fifteen companies I applied to. Thankfully it all worked out in the end. I even had fun and made it feel like a vacation with a classmate that became roommate and friend. I was feeling less claustrophobic when I was in our shared apartment in BGC, Taguig, away from the many reasons for my stress and anxiety. I was able to let myself forget about it at least during those short two months during break.

Going straight into the start of 4th year with unresolved issues and things that needed to be done, my stress and anxiety kicked into overdrive as schoolwork and personal issues at home gradually stacked up against me. By the end of the semester I was completely wound tight and sensitive as hell where I felt at any moment I could break. There were some close calls close to the end that’s for sure. Especially with some family drama that nearly buried me in an emotional quicksand. I ended up breaking down in front of my teacher for thesis because I thoroughly let myself down on that one. I was in no shape to complete it in time for the scheduled defense that was a few weeks ago. When it all comes down to it, no one is harder on me than myself. I put the high expectations on me and when I don’t meet them or make a mistake or complete it short of perfection, I dwell on it to no end. Then there was the matter of film and theatre class, where if I were back home, I may have enjoyed and been extremely enthusiastic about but alas due to my poor fluency in Tagalog I wasn’t able to truly be a part of the major projects we had to complete. I ended up taking roles that were so far away from what I really wanted to contribute but as the stories were in a language and culture that I still didn’t fully understand, I was in no way able to contribute in the way I would have wanted to anyway.(One of the brighter spots of film was being able to share some of my favorite films of all time and also participate in our groups documentary on a Badjao community despite being in pain and sick more than half the time. Seeing and meeting some of the people with their strength and courage and determination despite their hardships, really helps one put things in perspective.) With the organizations I am a part of, even if I had a minor role in all three, I still didn’t feel up to the task. I really kind of played dead dog for most of my responsibilities in ISO.

Honestly, this semester and even last semester, I felt myself ever so slightly detach from everything and kind of just mechanically go through the motions just managing to barrel through out of sheer need to complete my four years in college, do well and graduate. This semester is the first time in over four years where I found myself nearly having an anxiety attack. Not once, but three times. Once during debate when my brain refused to memorize my speech and then I fucked up completely during the recitation for my midterms. (I’m just thankful that my written speech helped me pick my grade up for that. Writer I may be, but speaker I sorely am not) It didn’t help that I still get a bit of stage fright every once in a while. Then the second was when my cousin messaged me about my mother having a schizophrenic episode and that it was causing drama and issues. The third one was during one of our theatre rehearsals and that one had no initial trigger except my stupid bronchitis that refused to go away that came out of a cold that has lasted frakking forever. Toss in several emotional breakdowns and smoking a ciggy after three years ciggy free and I could say I was down for the count. These past holidays of Thanksgiving and then Christmas were kind of meh considering I was sick for the first one and ma and I both were sick for the latter. But I pretty much had been sick on and off all this past semester and throw in my fibromyalgia kicking in worse than its been in the past four years, bringing spasms of pain that brought me to tears and bouts of insomnia this entire past year, 2018 brought more pain in more ways than one than anything else. I’m just thankful my ma, pop and family and friends (and my possessed cat, Gandalf) are still healthy and those that aren’t so much are on the road to being so, hopefully soon.

This new year 2019 is hopefully the year where I finally meet one of my lifetime goals of graduating and getting a college degree. After so much work and sacrifice not only from me but my parents, I need to reach that goal. I will be starting my fourth year second semester at the end of this month but before that hopefully will have completed our final film and theatre projects as well as getting some traction in completing my thesis that is now not a solo one as I included three classmates to be a part of it. At the end of the day, even if I had wanted my thesis, that I started with on my own, to be solely mine, I had to consider my health both mentally and physically which became the deciding factor in no longer trying to push myself in such a way that would’ve hurt me rather than help. As I near graduation, I will set out in determining what I want to do afterwards. Whether I stay here (that’s only if I get an opportunity down the road) or go back to the States or go to another country has yet to be determined. If I were to go back to the States, I’d then have to decide which state I’d be moving to. Or rather, WE would be moving to. We as in me and mother. Yes, my mom is a big factor in my decision. She has to be, there’s no point deluding myself that I would be comfortable with any other scenario. I’ve watched over that woman pretty much all my life and have been a sort of parent-like person for her since I was a kid. As she grows older and goes deeper into her schizophrenia and becomes more fragile, I cannot in my heart think of any other alternative other than keeping her with me. It’s not some martyrdom complex or anything like that, it’s just how I am wired. Even with all my issues and the mental, emotional and physical toll it has taken on me, I love my mom and she brought me up the best way she knew how or could do. I can’t fault her for her illness and I can’t ignore the fact that she needs me as much as I need to know she is ok...as ok as she is capable of being. I may gripe and such but let’s face it, these are the cards I was dealt and I’ve managed all this time somehow and I’m pretty sure as I get older and wiser I’ll get better and better at doing so. But for the most part I can say I’m at peace with my decision (even when a tiny voice inside my head screams at me WTF are you thinking!!! HEEELP MEEE!) Now I’m just torn between should I stay or should I go (now. ....sorry had to. As I was typing those words I was singing it dammit!!!) And if I go, go where exactly? What do I do with my cat? How tf am I getting the beloved furry pain in my butt to come with me? What best fits not only my needs but my mothers and (if my furbaby is coming) Gandalf? New York? (That’s expensive AF) San Francisco? (SAME! but but SWEATER WEATHER LOVE!!!) L.A. (I’m not gonna lie, my home city is the last choice on my short list) Seattle? (perhaps but can my ma stand the so called gloomy weather which I am partial to?) S.A. (STOP! HAULT! DO NOT GO THERE! Though I have many fond memories and do love the city in many ways including my family and friends..and cheaper rent per square foot...and delicious bbq...I just can’t...cuz politics, namely its states’ politics. I’m pretty sure they wouldn’t want my tree hugging, In-N-Out loving ass either anyhow.) I guess I can only say We’ll see. As I get closer to the end of my fourth year I’ll be more sure of which direction I’d want to go but so many things can still happen from now to then so I just want to leave myself open to any possibility that I may not have even thought of.

So besides all that ‘off to the future I go’ crap, lets see...what do I want to see myself accomplish this year. I...

Must read more books (last year was depressing af for my bookwormish self as I only read three books, actually technically two were only completed in 2018 but I started in 2017. Now that’s sad for someone who used to down one to two books a day and read as she walked)

Must get rid of more of my shit (I actually have been slowly accomplishing this little by little but seeing as it is nearing the end of my time at UB I must do this in its entirety by the middle of the year.)

Must write at least one script of my own and complete it. (I have a few synopsis ideas written down, I just need to sit my butt down and make it a full story)

Hope to go to Tokyo, Australia, New Zealand, Thailand and again to South Korea. (At least Tokyo I hope for this year)

Must lose the weight I gained only during this past semester. (I can only fit my rollies into two of my jeans and both have holes, one was bought that way and the other lost the battle with a tricycle and a school chair)

Must cook more (I actually have been little by little doing just that, thanks to Instagram people who post recipes that motivate my lazy ass into wanting to cook what’s in the picture.)

Must regularly volunteer again(Unfortunately I haven’t taken much time to do any since I’ve been here. Hopefully once my workload at school eases I can finally take the time to do this. It’s one of the things I love doing with my time because it’s the time when I can do something that isn’t for me but for someone else which I guess in a way is also for me in the sense that it just makes me feel good.)

Must explore more of the Philippines (hopefully after I graduate we can do this)

Hope to get to Guru level on Gurushots (only need to mark off four more of the criteria to get there)

Hope to learn a third language (I’m thinking either Spanish or Korean since I at least know some vocabulary and short phrases already. The fact that I would love to be able to watch my kdramas without subtitles definitely gives me the incentive to lean toward the latter.)

Hope to get more than four hours of sleep on average. (I would love that, only if my neighbors (front, both sides and back) dogs and Gandolf agree to keep it quiet during the wee hours in the morning)

Must follow my daily, weekly, monthly goal checklist for more than just one month (yup that’s pretty much all that it lasted give or take a few weeks then days, last year)

If I can manage to even complete a fourth of that which is mentioned above, I will have done this long ass blog entry justice. So if y’all managed to reach the end of all this ridiculousness, I wish to say to you HAPPY NEW YEAR and may this year and the many years to come bring you all you hope for and more. Let’s 2019 the shit out of this frakking year and make it our bitch!!!

(At least I can say with this yearly blog entry that I’ve managed to keep this one and only friggin tradition during New Years)

#new year #new years resolution #new years eve #life #goals

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jfleurcannon · 5 years ago

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oh fuck. a hysterectomy story.

just so i don't have to go through explaining. please visit links and read up if you are interested, i simplified it AF and wiki'd the source, otherwise, this is legit not the place for you. i talk about things, life, whatnot, and my life is fucking bullshit sometimes.

endometriosis

adenomysosis

fibromyalgia - i'm not even gonna get into this one. because, as the doctor who diagnosed me said, 'not many people believe in this one, so maybe don't say that you have it out loud.' but chalk that guy up for chronic musculoskeletal & joint pain in my wrists, arms, shoulders, back, butt, and knees. but 🤫.

i'm sure y'all know wtf depression and anxiety are, i see those #bellletstalk tags. it's been with me for years, since i guess the chronic pain started. i got my period and wondered why the fuck i was the only one who got sick, like sick. fainting, knocking over a mannequin display at the eddie bauer at fairview mall (you're welcome, sisters), passing out at school and having to be carried out by julie (thank you, sister), missing so many activities and things i wanted to do but couldn't. having 'jenn's always sick anyways' thrown in my face by a childhood friend, being made to feel bad about pain and not wanting to be in the mood, having to cancel plans last minute because of pending pain, side effects from meds i'm taking that make me sick, but not quite as sick as the original problem - so i deal. like i deal with it all. [like a warrior. i have held my pain like the damn death star. my uterus is the death star. except that time i carried and birthed a baby, and then it was fucking AWESOME!] typically it's bottom shelf paper bag internalized. and for years my solution was to therapy it out, or shove the feels down hard so i developed massive GI issues, or maybe that is the endo, who the fuck knows. fast forward years of therapy and a shit ton of medication and three suicide attempts, the final one being in 2007. i was hospitalized for the final attempt at sunnybrook's mental health ward. the F ward, i shit you not. i felt like girl intrurrupted, but there was no winona or angelina. there was a pam and a joan. no padded room, but i couldn't leave to go outside for the first week. that was fucked up.

pain is pain, and although i am a fan of ja-rule, pain has never equaled love to me. it has only left me with an overwhelming hate for parts of my life, that were always plagued by illness, pain, and brewing depressive state. i would get sick for long, long periods of time and there would be no reason for it. had i known then what i had (endo, adeno, fibro, MFGT's) it would have made sense. two of the three are auto-immune diseases. i get a cold, and i really get it. i lose my voice, and it's gone for months.

the only fast thing i've done is labour and delivery. it might seem strange to put the birth of my child in the pain category, however the story will explain why in a mo. i arrived at the hospital at 10am at 2cm dilated, upon exam by a nurse i pushed and my water broke, i was put in a wheelchair and brought to wait for a L&D room, outside the exam room and in the tiny hallway, there my insides tore open, quite literally, nerve damage, and rapid labour. i screamed and screamed and was told to wait while they got things ready. i mean. i thought i was dying. why was this happening so fast? my husband came back up as i was being brought into the room (i think, some details are fuzzy). i was examined by a doctor and was at 10cm. it hadn't been more than 10 minutes since i had arrived. i remember things moving too quickly for me and i was very panicked that something was wrong. i remember being told the boy's heartbeat was becoming compromised and we needed to get him out. options included a C-section, forceps, or the vacuum. all terrified me as i literally was without ANY pain management. we opted for the vacuum and they offered me laughing gas as a super sad knife-in-the-back compromise. i took it, but the hell? AT THAT VERY MOMENT I WANTED THE SWEET, SWEET NECTAR OF THE ALL POWERFUL EPIDURAL! four pushes with the vacuum on and the boy was born, at 10:35am. in 35 minutes i arrived at the hospital had my baby, like whatevs, and held him while being stitched up. naturally there were stitches. i can't even with that pain. OMG. people say you won't remember the labour pain and that 'it'll just go away when you see your perfect baby', you know what? they lied to your face, or they had an epidural, or they didn't experience rapid labour. 2-10 in 5 minutes. they did not teach me that in L&D class. i wanted ice chips, and the tub, and the playlist of music, and maybe a pelvic roll or two on the ball, but no, miles wanted his entrance to be dramatic and fast and it was nothing less than that.

any and all of the things i've battled have stayed with me like wearing a cloak, all day everyday i feel pain, whether it's physical, mental, emotional, or otherwise, i feel it. i can't see it but i fucking feel it. with diagnosis always come the waiting game of endless specialists, tests, interventions by way of oral medication, physical therapy, walking epidurals, suppositories in my ass or vag, chiropractor visits, along with visits to acupuncture, massage, GP, GYNE, and psychologists.

after a thirty year battle, and almost one year of keeping this in my drafts folder, i finally have felt an end to my endometriosis and adenomyosis pain. a hysterectomy and final excision of endo from nerve clusters fused together because of it, i can breathe. i can breathe clearly and without a constant fear of nausea, hot flashes, bizarre mood swings because of the menopausal state the IUD was causing, and chronic pelvic/back/low abdomen/bowel pain. i still have a 44 year old body and permanent nerve damage from rapid labour and negligence from a past surgeon, but holy hot hell it's nice to not want to punch people in the face for asking you how you feel. i know that's not a normal reaction to that question. i get that. however, as someone who has suffered from chronic pain her whole adult life, it is the hardest question to answer honestly. how you feel sometimes is like shit, or crap, or a god damn mess, or you just don't want to talk, especially to that person but you can't say it. so you answer, 'fine', 'great', or 'living the dream'. is the honest answer the best answer? it may not be, but it's the one with the least amount of follow up questions or lengthy conversation to follow. i love things, and flowers, and coffee, and white wine, and my man friend, and my kid, and my family, and a handful of others - but for the most part i would honestly prefer not to talk to anyone about anything. it's all the same conversation anyway. and i'm tired. tired of listening. tired of talking/hearing my own voice. tired of noise. in need of quiet and calm. my one year surgery anniversary is coming up and i'm looking forward to it. i have never looked forward to a post surgery anything because those have always led to more surgeries. but the doctor from brazil with the 'small hands' did the job this time. removed the death star and its accompanying bullshit organs (tubes and cervix) and we are good to go now. she works again, without pain 😉

surgeries for endometriosis & adenomyosis

2006 - laser laparoscopic discovery of endo

2009 - stage IV endo excision via laparoscopy

2015 - laser laparoscopic removal of endo & appendectomy

2016 - endo excision via laparoscopy

2019 - full hysterectomy (minus ovaries) and extensive endo excision on nerve clusters fused together

#hysterectomy #endometriosis #adenomyosis #fibromyalgia #depression #anxiety #rapid labour

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you-wxll-be-blog · 7 years ago

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Semi-Hiatus Update

;;Sorry I haven’t been around. The last couple weeks have just made things difficult to even try and focus on an RP. And I just feel so angry all the time right now, now that I’ve gotten past the overly emotional stage.

I honestly am not sure when I’ll be able to focus. But I will be lurking on mobile. And maybe I’ll try to do ask box things? Might help start my focus again. I feel bad for those who are waiting on a response and I understand if any of ya wanna drop threads. I hope you understand. And, as before, a bit more of an explanation of my BS below the cut. Don’t read if you don’t care about my personal life drama.

Sooo on top of the fact that my dog might be put down and my one grandpa is still in the hospital not doing well at all. My other grandpa fell again and broke his ribs this time. He isn’t doing well now either and his health is in decline. He at least lives with my mom so she can look after him.

Now this is where shit gets to the ultimate bull.

My brother has been mad at my dad for who knows how fucking long. But basically he feels like he’s not a father, he doesn’t listen, can’t talk to him, feels manipulated by him, all that fun fucking stuff. There’s a lot of history there I won’t get into.

He decides to give our mother our dads phone number, and our mom is the ultimate verbal and mentally abusive person you will ever meet. Because she saw how upset he was and he told her dad wasn’t listening so of course, let’s send mom in to fight for you.

I had worked a night shift and had been taking a nap only to wake up to multiple missed calls and texts from both my dad and brother. I’m still half asleep when I call my dad up cause I assume it’s about my grandpa and I’m worried. And he flips on me asking WTF is my moms problem and how she got his number and how no one had to right to give it out. So I try to calm him down but he’s just pissed off and basically hangs up on me. So I get a hold of my brother and he tells me what he did. At this point I feel very emotional and just overwhelmed.

I think he’s being a petty little asshole who doesn’t have the balls to face our dad.

Anyway, I send a huge text to my dad explaining how my brother feels and what’s going on. I try and tell him to try and understand where he’s coming from and what not. I also tell him I’m not picking sides and I’m a neutral party. He takes it as I’m siding with my brother somehow? Basically I get the shit end and my dad says he ‘won’t bother me with his family anymore’.

So I’m angry, not talking to any of my family and just feeling like this was stupid timing with BOTH grandfathers ill.

Yea, sorry got ranty. But that’s the BS that is my life at the moment. Sorry again guys. Just gunna lurk now.

#outofdixon

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civia-caroline · 7 years ago

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Silent No More

Chester. Chris. Layne. Scott. Kurt.

The list goes on....

These were some of the names and the voices that helped shape me and shape my taste and appreciation for music. They're all gone way before their time. Why? Because of depression, addiction and mental illness in one form or another. These are silent killers. We can't be silent anymore.

When news hit of Chester Bennington's death by suicide, I was in shock. I can't quite explain what made it hit me so hard in a way that others before hadn't. The news about Chris hit just as hard, but this was a little different. I was in my car on my way to see my therapist (thank G-d for that) and a special breaking news announcement came in on Alt Nation on Sirius XM. I screamed out loud in my car "WTF??!!!" and had to pull over and text my friend and former co-worker who is connected to Linkin Park's management to confirm. I just couldn't believe it was true. I'm not sure why this one was such a trigger for me. Maybe it was the build up of all of them. Maybe it was the timing of some things I'm going through in my personal life with myself and my family that made it hit really close to home. Whatever the reason, my reaction was intense and visceral. In a way I feel numb. But I'm also so so sad. And scared. And perhaps most importantly, I'm motivated. I'm motivated to STOP THE SILENCE.

So many people are suffering in silence. Why are we so scared to talk about mental health and mental illness? Why should it be any different than any other illness or disease? Mental health issues do not make us weak. It makes us real. This is true for everyone, but I speak especially to the music and entertainment industry because the fact is, we are a community at risk. Musicians, artists, creatives, and those of us who are surrounded by them in our professional and daily lives are especially at risk. Many of us are sensitive people who are deeply affected by the energy of the people around us. We have a responsibility to each other and to ourselves to break the stigma around mental health issues and say "It's ok. You're not alone." Especially those of us in management and artist relations who sometimes have to be "stand-in therapists" for our clients. We can't brush away or minimize the signs of suffering. We have to hold each other accountable.

Unfortunately, there's nothing we can do to help someone who doesn't want to be helped. But, we can start to change the conversation around the issues. We can start to create an environment of more love and less hate. More acceptance and less judgement. More understanding and less silence. We can start to let people know that suffering is universal and there is no shame in it.

I'm going to start by revealing the story of my own struggle. This is something that is very hard for a generally private and introverted person - but I believe that we can no longer treat suffering as some dirty secret that we need to hide.

I've suffered with depression and anxiety in one form or another since I was a young child. At different stages in my life I've tried various medications and seen many therapists. For the most part, my depression was chronic. It was like a quiet shadow that followed me wherever I went. It wasn't so severe that it always interfered with my daily life, but it was just always there and was always whispering in my ear. There were a few times where the depression got louder and did start to interrupt my life. In those times of crisis, I somehow got through them with the help of therapy, but never really addressed the underlying issues.

As an adult, I've done a relatively good job of hiding it. Sure, those very close to me know bits and pieces of it, but the really dark parts I keep just for myself. About 5 years ago, a few months after I moved to LA, I hit another really dark, low place. At that point in my life, I had been through enough to recognize the signs and knew that I needed to do something. I found an amazing therapist who after a couple of months of seeing me recognized that I needed to be back on medication in order for her to be most effective. I was quite resistant for a while. I had been on medication before and thought I was now "strong" enough to do it on my own and "naturally." At one point, things got so bad that my therapist told me she wouldn't be able to continue seeing me unless I went to a doctor and started medication. She recognized that there was a chemical imbalance that caused the neurotransmitters in my brain to go all out of whack and misfire. This caused me to have a constant barrage of negative thoughts and chatter that I just could not turn off. There was no way for us to work through the issues that were bothering me when I couldn't even quiet my brain enough to think clearly.

I listened to her and got myself to a doctor and back on medication. It wasn't an immediate or automatic fix. It took a while to find the right medication, the right dosage, and to allow my body to get used to it. But, eventually it did, and my thoughts started to quiet down. And that's when the REAL work began. The medication was not my cure. It was just a tool that allowed me to really do the work on myself that I needed to do.

I now accept that for whatever reason (genetics, environment, past trauma, and probably a combination of many factors), my brain chemistry is off and needs some correction with the help of medication. It may be something I need for the rest of my life, and it may not be. But I have no reason to be ashamed of it. If I'm deficient in Vitamin D or Iron, I take supplements. This shouldn't be viewed with any harsher judgement than those. I've been on medication and working with my therapist ever since - over 5 years now. I say working, because it is WORK. It's not comfortable and it's not easy. I've had to confront many things about myself and my life that were painful and difficult to confront. There are times where it's been downright miserable. But I can honestly say that I am healthier now than I've ever been in my life.

That's not to say that I don't still struggle. In fact, I've recently been going through an especially tough time with things in my personal life and family. But I now have more tools and skills to get me through it and to grow from it. Perhaps even more importantly, I know that if ever get to a place that is so dark that I think I can't get out - there's always help, and there's always hope. And it doesn't make me weak, it doesn't make me less than or incapable of being successful and doing great things. It just makes me human.

Now, my story is mine alone. Medication is not the answer for everybody (and I believe that it's never the only answer for anybody). Each person's struggle is unique and so their solution and recovery has to be unique to them as well. Help can come in many different forms- a good therapist, a rehab program, medication, even a good friend. But one thing that's not unique - is that no person can do it completely alone. They have to be able to seek the help they need without the fear of ridicule or judgement. We wouldn't allow someone with cancer to suffer alone and not receive treatment because they're too scared. We can't allow someone with mental illness to either.

That's where we ALL come in.

People are scared to make a bigger deal of something that may not warrant it. Nobody wants to sound the alarm and be the overreacting drama queen when their friend is just a little sad over a breakup. But why not? Educate yourselves and know the signs. Hold each other accountable. Make agreements with your friends and family that you will tell each other if things are ever feeling overwhelming. Sometimes it's ok to "over-react." Under-reacting has much more dire consequences. We need to create a safe, loving, and accepting environment. We need to be aware of the people around us and look for the signs that they may be suffering more than normal.

To those in pain - know that you're not alone and don't hide it. I'm not saying to walk around with your pain on your sleeve and tell everyone you meet, but don't hide it away from everybody either. Confide in the people you love and trust. Don't be scared or ashamed to seek professional help. Hell, even the healthiest and strongest among us could benefit from some professional help once in a while! There are so many resources out there and so many people willing to help - if only they new where the help is needed.

I don't have all of the answers. We need to change the culture we live in. We need to get rid of a stigma that's been around for centuries. It's not an easy task, but I'm hoping that just by speaking about it, we can start the process together.

There is so much pain in the world. So many people suffering. But there's also a lot of love. Let's allow the love to be louder than the "sound of silence."

#mental health #chester bennington #chris cornell #kurt cobain #layne staley #scott weiland #music business #depression #anxiety #suicide

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spotlightsaga · 8 years ago

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Kevin Cage of @spotlightsaga reviews… Drag Race (S09E05) Reality Stars: The Musical Airdate: April 21, 2017 @vh1 @wowreport Ratings: 0.693 Million :: 0.3 18-49 Demo Share Score: 5.5/10 @logotv

**********SPOILERS BELOW**********

So I’m guessing they’ll be rethinking that Cheerleading Challenge next season… Cuz uhh… I’m not into seeing a frontrunner going home because of an injury for a useless challenge. Somewhere along the way, I lost a heartfelt review for Untucked E2, and I just haven’t revisited due to a full schedule and general frustration. I’m regretting it and I think it’s high time I suck it up, rewatch, rewrite, and get on with it… You just can’t have Drag Race without Untucked, and I’m noticing more and more that these episodes mean less and less without that beautiful, stripped down version of Untucked really giving me a glimpse into who these contestants are and where they’re coming from. I hear Aja is giving Untucked the business… I need to see that. Lord knows, this producer pushed makeup-time ‘grill-and-drill’ psychology sessions feel very much the opposite of 'candid’. Plus, like I’ve said, I’m 200+ pound bearded ex-athlete with a thick, stocky frame, what the fuck is an eating disorder… And why would anyone want to be anything other than a thick piece of meat, male or female? Don’t get me wrong, I get that anorexia and bulimia are serious mental illnesses and caused by an improper sense of proportion and value… And I never want to diminish other people’s real-life afflictions, I have my own… But Sasha, if random people in the street are you telling you to 'Phone Home’… It’s time to get a 'new hobby’… And honestly, its always hard for me to truly believe an overdramatic drag queen, tho Valentina seemed much more honest and sincere in delivery when discussing her issues. Then again, Valentina is raw as fuck and her little 10-Month stint in drag (which is also hard for me to believe) doesn’t mean anything when you’re jam packed with that 'It Factor’ that millions of people in LA are willing to go 'Neon Demon’ for in a snap of a finger.

At least Alexis Michelle finally made an impression on me, because up until this point I wasn’t sure which queen Alexis actually was. These massive personalities seem to just drown each other out on a claustrophobic main competition show and I feel like I’m missing a huge part of the story here. Why VH1 and Logo refuse to show the Untucked series, I’ll never know… Unless this is all a ruse to get more subscriptions to YouTube Red… But upon with their recent issues with LGBTQ filtering, I highly doubt it.

I’m still having a lot of mixed feelings about S9 of Drag Race… It’s nice to see Alexis finally show us why she’s here (even tho that runway happened, wtf right?!), and Shea coming into her own is amazing, deservedly so… But when an episode ends on a contestant that deserves to be there being forcefully eliminated, and then two queens who probably deserved to be in a double elimination end up getting a free pass because of it… Well it’s just a bummer. Sure, Farrah Moan makes a pretty girl (a boy not so much), but she’s just like the city she claims… All lit up and full of emptiness. Sorry, Vegas, but you suck, and you know it. Cynthia embarrassed me and literally proved that bringing her back means absolutely nothing except hearing the words 'Cucu’ inserted in at least 10,000 phrases… While both of them lip sync to some random 'flavor of the week’ pop star who came to judge Drag Queens in a onesie that she borrowed straight from closet of one of the members WWE’s New Day. I’m not a radio man (are you surprised?). I’ve heard the name Megan Trainor, but I don’t know her music and I couldn’t care less what she does and will do, especially after she showed up in Drag Race in that outfit.

Let’s not forget that Nina Bo'Nina Brown serves up Mary J Blige (and that’s a fact 😜) realness on the runway, then they break her down on stage after Todrick relays how she acted a fool during the rehearsal for the challenge (snitch), exploit her weakness, then slam her over the head with a bat with Shea’s face on it. I have seen way too much reality tv to not be able to call it when producers are pushing judges to say certain things to get a reaction from someone who’s having a mini-break down. I like Nina. I hate that she has this massive insecurity… Or as Ru put it 'paranoia’. But obviously now that Eureka is out and Trinity has no one to quip about, they need a pair to fill the 'rivals’ gap… But it’s almost too painful to watch. Whatever is going on on Nina’s head is more than just 'rivals’, and my sensitive 'empathy radar’ is literally ticking off the fucking charts. I really *need* Nina to get it together, put whatever disenchanting issues she has with another strong, talented persons of color achieving greatness and slay the Shay. Don’t get me wrong, I love Shay… She was clearly the winner and one of the main reasons that what sounds like a really negative review actually got higher marks than you might think. I liked Shay from the beginning, pegged her for the dark horse of the competition, mainly because I thought her makeup was a little too 'signature’… But obviously she could be more than that. Bitch is BAD!

This dark tone that underlines this review is definitely caused directly by Eureka’s dismissal… Which I understand, but I’m pissed Eureka was out in a position where his physical limits were tested so early on in the competition. This is not 'RuPaul’s American Ninja’ or an updated Drag-Adult version of Nickelodeon’s 'Guts’. So Ru, speak up next time the human beings you’re supposed to be lifting up and protecting are put in a position where they could get torn ACLS or concussions. I guess one more quip where I refer to that challenge and episode as the 'NFL of Drag wouldn’t hurt. I know this review is a bit salty, that’s why I tried to pack a humorous punch to sit along side it. My ass is heading over to round out my YouTube Red free trial and catch up on Untucked, because I need to be liking all of these contestants much more than I am right now.

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silenceleaflin · 8 years ago

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Silence Writes... about death, and what it means to those left behind.

How the death of my mother is causing me to revisit my books, Genuine Magic and its sequel Genuine Myth, and offer them for a read to anyone who is interested or might be facing a similar situation in their lives.

The recent passing of my mother has been very difficult for me, and in trying to decide whether to give myself a break in writing for a while or to push ahead in some way, it occurred to me that maybe others out there might benefit from something I wrote a long time ago. Life has kept me from publishing two other completed novels that I have not had the time to properly edit and format, but I have two published already that I felt compelled to mention, particularly the first one. I wrote them more than a decade ago and admittedly, they are not my best work. I have improved much since I wrote them. But, the first book especially is perhaps more relevant to me now than even when I first wrote it.

Genuine Magic is, at its core, a story about a dying character and the people around him who attempt to help him fulfill his dying wish. Originally, I wrote this story to “fix” something that bothered me in another book by my favorite author. My favorite character in that book was executed by fire after being tortured. It was very difficult to read, but his actual death was not what made me put the book down with a turned stomach. It was the fact that his wife, a woman who up until then had been nothing but devoted and loving to him, abandoned him during his hour of need. He was a sorcerer and was able to create a mental link between them. As he is already in pain from the torture, unable to see or speak anymore, and burning alive during his execution, he asks her to stay with him mentally, to occupy his mind, to tell him a story... anything... to distract him from the pain. But she decided it was too much for her to bear, and she closed her mind to him. He died alone. A selfless, kind, gentle healer... died alone... abandoned by his own wife after she promised she would not leave him. WTF.

It was one of the most upsetting things I had ever read, and I felt compelled to “fix” it. Genuine Magic started out as a fix-it story but it grew into its own thing quite well. What I had not realized until now, until I went through the process of losing my mother, staying with her as she died, and honoring her final wishes, that what I had written about and how I had handled her death was all because of things she had taught me. It was all because she instilled in my the importance of two things:

It is important to stay with a dying person, if at all possible, no matter how sad, afraid, or angry at the process of death you might be. The dying person needs you, and turning away from them is what produces the kind of guilt and lack of closure that people then try to fill later with elaborate funerals, memorials etc. The time to honor the person is while they live and as they die. After they are dead, whatever else is done is done for the living, not for the dead. That which is done for the person while they are alive is what matters most.

The dying person’s wishes aren’t about you, it’s about them. Out of love, respect, honor, what have you for the dying person, you should not only promise to honor their dying wish (so long as it is feasible and it does not harm anyone), but then carry it out to the best of your ability. What they wanted is what matters, not what you or anybody else wants after that. People can mourn however they choose, of course, but honoring the wishes of the dead starts even before they die with a simple promise to try your best and an indication that their wishes are important to you.

Maybe you don’t agree, or maybe you do. As I said, everyone is different. But these things are important to me because my mother taught me that they were, and I saw her carrying out these things as she aided various members of my family through their cancer journeys. My father and I did our very best to give her the same courtesy during hers.

I found myself re-reading Genuine Magic (even though I’m somewhat embarrassed at how poorly it is written, the simplicity of the story, and the really stupid typo where I wrote the wrong person’s name in the very last paragraph of the book that the publisher won’t permit me to change... haha) recently, and it is helping me a little to revisit these ideas surrounding the terminally ill and the process of death that I have because of what my mother taught me. She was a nurse who, as I said before, helped many family members with their illnesses, and so death and dying didn’t have this horror or mystique about it for her, it was just another stage of a person’s life, and perhaps a transition to another.

Until she died, I never realized how much she had majorly influenced my writing of Genuine Magic and even its sequel, Genuine Myth, in more minor ways. She loved both of these books, and so I will leave the information about them (the first book in particular is about the process of dying) here for anyone interested in reading them (the first one is free and the second one is only $0.99), or perhaps for anyone who is facing the death of a loved one. Maybe it will help some of you, or maybe you will at least enjoy the stories.

They are available through lulu.com, barnesandnoble.com, goodreads.com, iTunes, and the Google Play store, but I will link to the Barnes & Noble information only because their site is quite nice and you can read the summaries and whatnot. I will even include the books’ “theme songs,” which basically were the songs that set the mood for the books and helped me get into the mood to write them. (They are by Ryann, an amazing YouTube artist.) The songs to this day make me instantly think of each book, so they are forever associated with them for me. =) Just click on the links and you’ll be taken to the books and the songs. (Lulu.com has a downloadable eReader for MAC or PC if you need one.)

Genuine Magic (Book 1); Theme song: Ryann - Sound of Falling Rain Genuine Myth (Book 2); Theme song: Ryann - Sound of Falling Rain II

All I ask in return for anyone who reads either book is to comment somehow. Tell me what you liked/didn’t like about them. Criticize the writing if you wish, I am always looking to grow. Tell me if something I wrote spoke to you in a certain way. Anything you want to say. I love to get feedback.

More than anything, I just wanted to share these books again, especially the first one, since my mother loved them and apparently unbeknownst to me had a hand in shaping how I wrote them. =)

#silence writes #genuine magic #genuine myth #fantasy novel #fantasy novella #thanks mom #you were always my writing's biggest fan

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mel-esor-blog · 8 years ago

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Assassin’s Creed: The Movie Thoughts

Hey everyone so last night I decided last-minute to go see the AC movie since my college was showing it for free. I suppose I consider myself a veteran of the games, playing since AC2, and did have mixed feelings about the movie at first. But eh, I wasn’t doing much that night and they had free popcorn, so why not? But oh boy... I almost regret that decision now.

I’ll have the conversation I had in Discord with my bff @buttercreambear under the Read more below but in short: oh man was it not good. By that, I mean it could have been handled alot better. This was almost like The Room bad.

Mel: wtf is this music Mel: ok i know it's modern day scene transition but- LOL BIKE FAIL Mel: Assassin's Creed brought to you by the music from The Hills Have Eyes probably

Les: mel i want you to know i saw "bike fail" and immediately imagined desmond getting the hidden blade getting stuck in his bike tire spokes Les: fucking templars, etc.

Mel: creepy 60s music on lo-fi radio with dead person...... classy Mel: who directed this some dude who does modern slasher film remakes

Les: i can only communicate in memes now im sorry everyone

Mel: lol is ok les Mel: ok the color scheme reminds me of like saving private Ryan with the sandlot or something

Les: is it like that generic dark gritty cyan or something Les: i dont think ive seen either of those Les: and its all desaturated n shit

Mel: gotta sepia tone everything to show everyone it's the past huuuuhhhhhhgghhh Mel: "here lemme force my religion down your throat you filthy Assassin" Mel: ok so when was Abstergo a county jail in the South Mel: no no wait they gonna "kill" this dude THEN ship his body overseas to the REAL Abstergo facility in Europe Mel: much cheaper than putting him in first class Mel: memory flashback Montage™ Mel: wow ok this lady is annoying already Mel: "you're here to help me? you just told me I died and nobody gives a shit" Mel: #wherethefuckisVidic Mel: Cal pls punch this lady Mel: "prepare the animus" hoooo shit Mel: oh wait Glados I thought this was Asscreed not Portal my bad goodnight everyone Mel: "we're gonna pump you with a bunch of drugs and hope your memories will get sent back via DNA instead of a DIGITAL SIMULATION have fun C:"

Les: remember when the glados voice was in pacific rim

Mel: they have an mri monitor but no scanner????? Mel: this whole machine makes no sense and is totally unnecessary

Les: "according to this, medical things are happening"

Mel: "let's make him try and synchronize in the MIDDLE OF A GIANT BATTLE this will totally be successful" Mel: good God give this poor man a proper tutorial Mel: no like in the games you always kinda got a tutorial stage that was easy at first Mel: OMFG THEY RIPPED OFF EZIO'S STORYLINE FUCK YOH

Les: what even is the story in this movie

Mel: les remember what happened to his dad and brothers

Les: yea

Mel: "stay with me Cal" Mel: uhhhh don't you WANT him to synchronize with his ancestor?? Mel: that's like Rebecca slapping Desmond every five minutes while he's in the animus Mel: oboy chase scene that's..... meh compared to the games Mel: classic "shit we’re nearing a random cliff" scene Mel: "You did well, Cal" Mel: uhh he just kinda... got tossed into this shit that was overwhelming Mel: who's this old bozo that looks like a chemistry professor in an old university Mel: "my daughter finds the cure for violence" Mel: ye it's called don't let humans exist buddy

Les: more violets, i say

Mel: #recallingpasteventsbydates Mel: because this is a movie about history facts Mel: I'm just waiting for a mameshiba to pop up dressed as George Washington to churn out facts about the American Revolution Mel: how to design a room: one wall with a door, shoes, and a bed. that it. Mel: how to bleeding effect: rly spoopy real-looking person in half-assed reaper shroud Mel: basically- OMG actually it looks just like the hallucinations from Scarlet's aftermath shit Mel: lady: I know everything about you and your ancestors more than you do Mel: that's totally not creepy Mel: lady: and how does that make you feel? Mel: ok when was this a piss-poor counseling session Mel: from a character that has about as much emotion as Edward Cullen's lunch

Les: would that be blood

Mel: ok i can't even remember her name anymore lmao Mel: main girl from twilight Mel: don't eat the chicken Cal it's poison

Les: i tried to remember that guy's actual name and my brain was like "james patterson.... pat robertson... ROBERT PATTINSON"

Mel: lmao Mel: #randomapple Mel: "what the fuck is going on?" my thoughts exactly Mel: #how many times am I gonna fukin hear the song Crazy Mel: the 20/30s one not the 80/90s one Mel: #fightingmyinnerdemonswhichisactuallymyancestor

Les: ~just assassin things~

Mel: omfg Mel: #singingthefuckingsongbecauseim""crazy"" Mel: producers totally know how mental illness is -_-

Les: is it this song [x]

Mel: wait what....

Les: i just googled "crazy song" and that was one of the results

Mel: o I can't listen to it cause phone Mel: no its the Patsy Cline one [x] Mel: "the last heathen in this Holy War" Mel: HEY U KEEP MY ANCESTORS OUTTA THIS YE FILTHY POPE Mel: #tap B to struggle free Mel: ok new drinking game: take a drink every time you see Ridiculously Unecessary Animus™ Mel: ok who the heck choreographed the free running cause it's definitely not the same dude who mocapped it for the games Mel: too much fancyness to it Mel: "lemme just spam this back jump over and over between two buildings instead of climbing straight up" Mel: the heck was that random one second first person shot of a drawn bow?? Mel: ok id be drunk rn with that one game scratch that...

Les: i looked this up and what the heck [x]

Mel: stop phasing back and forth between the simulation and present time omfg!!!

Les: how did they get that from the game thing which is like..... 90% chair

Mel: I can't imagine how confusing this is to people watching it the first time sheesh Mel: WHAT THE FUCK Mel: he's seizing Mel: good fuckin job guys Mel: THAT IS NOT HOW YOU HANDLE SOMEONE WHO IS HAVING A SEIZURE WTF Mel: now he's in a Jesus Christ Dunk Tank??? Mel: oh well awesome he's got lower limb paralysis Mel: maybe we shouldn't have suspended him from this wacky portal robot with a metal belt and probably some kind of fucked up needle jabbing into his spine for all I know Mel: cause I didn't see any wires or nothing on his face so couldn't have gotten brain scans from that Mel: that is.... the dumbest looking wheelchair omg Mel: #randomtaichimovesaloneinroom Mel: literal words from Fake Vidic™ : You've been desynching in the Animus... we need you to not do that. Mel: A+ writing Mel: "Do you recognize this?" Mel: that's a fucking drawer slide with a steak knife soldiered to it Mel: Imdeepain would be ashamed [aka this brilliant person here] Mel: he just like... pushed a button on it and it slid out with this terrible scraping noise Mel: moving parts don't need lubricant or a smooth polished surface right? Mel: this the kind of jackass that would go in dry I bet

Les: hgdsdffdg

Mel: Also plot: still searching Mel: Also when the heck did the goddamn Apple represent "free will" instead of "essentially endless power and omniscience" Mel: or more or less "maybe the real free will was inside us all along and we never thought to look outside of our stupid religious pact for answers or truth" Mel: "Hey kids let me whip out Webster's dictionary and mansplain to an Assassin what an Assassin is because my script writer doesn't know how to fucking write lines" Mel: also: You've heard of Mute swans, now get ready for Mute eagle Mel: THAT'S LITERALLY AN ICONIC SOUND IN THE GAME C'MON Mel: #secretcompartmentwall Mel: there's like.... a severe lack of targets in this movie.... Mel: and main focus is literally: sultan, his son, and this Catholic pope dude person Mel: omfg pls be fake apple Mel: random sandstorm?? Mel: or was that legit him using the Apple wtf Mel: ok god who did the lighting the asshole who worked on SH Homecoming I can barely see shit what's going on half the time Mel: shit i dont Even think I've heard the main Assassin say much if anything let alone really see his face? so far

Les: very mysterio

Mel: intense to the death battle Mel: rly dark chase scene Mel: some fire and stuff.... is happening? Mel: LMFAO HE DID A "LEAP OF FAITH" AND FUCKING BROKE THEIR TRASHY-ASS ANIMUS

Les: lol

Mel: omfg the leap of faith though Mel: they fucking like had him do stupid stunts in the middle of it before landing in the water Mel: like the dive moves you can do when you put on the goggles Mel: yeah. that shit

Les: o god

Mel: #unecessary Mel: Also I just noticed why the fuck is Cal almost naked wtf Mel: I guess I won't deny eye candy but lol Mel: yeah he's like done no training or very little of it doing summersaults in the "animus" but now he's as ripped as John Cena Mel: random escape scene with smoke bombs pulled out of god knows where Mel: OH NOW I FINALLY GET TO SEE Mel: they did a slowmo camera rotation and I saw they had like a fuckin huge butterfly needle thing attached on the back of his neck Mel: ok where the heck is everyone getting these weapons from Mel: some dude just had a sword... Mel: this is not how maximum security facilities would be.... Mel: crossbow???? Mel: you're in present day in an expensive facility why would you need that Mel: I think they just.... left Cal alone to experience bleeding effect yet again while all shits breaking loose in the facility Mel: WHY DID THEY LEAVE HISTORICAL WEAPONS LAYING AROUND HERE ABSTERGO YOU IDIOTS Mel: actually at first they legit just strapped two replica hidden blades to Cal while putting him in the animus like "this totally won't be a bad idea at all nope" Mel: #GETTOTHECHOPPA Mel: yeah Cal you climb that hunk of shit they call an animus Mel: also: breaking all the glass because I can't get injured cause this is a movie and it's all just sugar candy Mel: Also now we're in Notre Dame? Mel: omfg the apple looks awful and tarnished like it was made by a human and not idk an ancient race that we can't even comprehend Mel: looks like a giant animal just accidentally ate it and shit it out right on this churches doorstep and then one of the priests took it and half-assed cleaned it off and thought "nice" and put it in a crappy treasure chest.... SOMEWHERE cause they didn't even fucking show where they pulled it out of Mel: annoying lady during a supposed to be emotional scene: You lied to me. ._. Mel: and now, Fake-ass Vidic gives a Ted Talk Mel: ok you're telling me this facility had a breakout and they didn't do shit about it Mel: "oh welp just better let em all go they got weapons now ooOOoOoohhhdh" Mel: Lady: I can't do this Mel: Cal: (fukin dressed as his ancestor now) Yes you can Mel: Shia LeBouf pops in unannounced: just DO IT!!!

Mel: WHY IS THE APPLE FUCKING TINY. AND GREEN???? Mel: oh no I bet that's just the neurotoxin Fake Vidic put in Mel: it's like... the size of a small apple or baseball?? not even [This is what the apple technically looked like in the movie, all I could get was the toy prop but it’s pretty close]

[HIDEOUS. Where did you pull this from? Silent Hill’s asshole???]

[Here’s what it’s supposed to look like, all nice and pristine and slightly alien-like. Also slightly larger than an adult Male’s hand, the one in the movie however was at least 2/3 maybe even half this size. Pathetic. Anyway, back to the original review.]

Mel: GOD he even held it in this fucking pretentious asshole way Mel: lemme just stick it in a wine glass and garnish it in gold flakes you pompous crusty old excuse for a real character Mel: random shadowy figures on the roof At Night™ with the camera doing a slow cinematic 360° panorama Mel: what.... Mel: that.... That's the end??? Mel: ??????

Les: so how was it

Mel: 2/10 would not recommend Mel: 7.8/10 too much sepia

#Assassin's Creed #assassin's creed movie #ac movie #needles /#lemme know if i need to tag anything else

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thorias · 8 years ago

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Random thoughts watching Riverdale episode 6

First thing we see is Betty and Polly as kids. There goes the Polly-is-Betty’s-split-personality theory, I guess. It was a long shot anyway.

Alice is the first character to draw attention to how bizarre Jughead’s name is. Nice try, Alice, but I still hate you.

Delivering on all the build up Polly has had is going to be tough. I’m thinking about what Polly could be like and imagining everything from Norma Bates to Patrick Bateman.

I think a big reason why the story about Archie and his music doesn’t feel terribly compelling is because it’s too reminiscent of the comics, whereas everything and everyone else has been so heavily reimagined. We’ve got this Polly story and how it all connects to the murder mystery and it’s pretty fascinating stuff, but then we cut over to Archie having stage fright in a variety show, and it’s not bad, but I just want them to go back to the murder mystery because this part seems so unimportant by comparison. As much as I disliked the Grundy plot, it was the only thing Archie had that was as twisted as the other big plots on the show. Without it, he’s rather boring right now.

Archie hallucinating people wearing wolf masks gets my attention, but Betty’s already got the ‘mentally unbalanced’ storyline wired and he’s got a long way to go to catch up to her.

Reggie heckles Archie after Archie let him have the captain’s job on the football team last week. Because Reggie is a dick.

Archie asking Val to sing with him at the show seems like a reasonable request and her excuse doesn’t really hold water. She “can’t step out on the Pussycats?” He’s not asking you too, sweety. If your band is already performing at the show, fine. Is there any reason you can’t do both? I wouldn’t put it passed Josie to try to put a stop to that, but Josie seemed cool with Archie after he helped them with that song, so where’s the issue here?

Polly’s “group home” sounds less like a hospital for the mentally ill and more like a puritanical reformed school. Yeah, that seems like a place Alice Cooper would send her daughter to.

Veronica ‘ex machina’ Lodge is a thing now. I was trying to come up with a nickname for her, so how nice of her to do the work for me.

Thirty seconds into a Pussycats practice session and it seems that Josie is huge a control freak. Weird that Josie is the one credited as a regular cast member, yet Val is the one emerging as the more likable character and has had more screen time at this point too.

Josie says Val can sing with Pussycats or Archie, but not both. Apparently, Archie helping the band with that song meant nothing to her. First Reggie and now Josie -- the short term memory loss seems to be spreading. I’m dangerously close to feeling bad for Archie here.

The look on Josie’s face has me cheering Val for calling her bluff and walking out.

Veronica stumbling upon her mom making out with Archie’s dad has me torn. On the one hand, it’s so awkward, I can’t look away. On the other, the kid in me who read the comics is fashioning a crude crucifix and waving it around in utter horror that likely mirrors Veronica’s.

Archie is surprisingly cool with his dad potentially dating Hermione. Yeah, Archie is suddenly the well-adjusted one. How did that happen?

Wait a minute. Val writes the Pussycats’ songs? Then maybe it wasn’t such a good idea to practically kick her out of the band, Josie! Dumbass.

So Josie was stressing because her big shot musician dad is taking time out of his busy schedule to come visit and see the show, but if it sucks, her mom will get blamed for it? FFS, that’s ANOTHER kid with insane parents! I’m starting to think the luckiest ones on this show might be the kids being brought up by only one adult. Archie, Veronica and Kevin have no idea how fortunate they are.

Josie certainly makes a lot more sense now that I’ve seen her with her mom. It’s crazy how so many of the problems the kids on this show have can be directly blamed on the people raising them.

“What about dad?” Veronica asks her mom, as if her dad being in prison and causing his wife to become a social pariah didn’t likely cause the end of their marriage already. Ronnie didn’t really think they were going to work things out, did she?

Archie is quick to swap Veronica out for Val as his singing partner, which is kind of a dick move. But then Veronica fires back by being a jerk about his dad and her mom kissing. Archie then stumbles onto the topic of his parents being separated and Hiram’s biggest romantic concern these days being to make sure he doesn’t drop the soap in the shower. So I guess the upshot of this scene is that they’re both being assholes and Val is the only nice one simply because she was the only person smart enough to keep her mouth shut.

“Garden of Deliverance?” Yeah, that doesn’t conjure up any horror imagery at all. Are we adding religious thriller tropes to the mix now?

At least Alice didn’t force an abortion on Polly, but sending your child to mental institution/religious-themed prison seems pretty damn cruel. Then again, having seen what lunatics Cheryl’s parents are, maybe Alice had the right idea by taking steps to make sure they don’t find out that Polly is carrying Jason’s progeny. At this point, I wouldn’t put it passed Mrs. Blossom to try to cut Junior out of Polly’s belly with a spork.

I might believe that Jason only broke up with Polly because his parents forced him too, but the idilic future Polly said they had in store for them sounds downright psychotic. I knew people back in high school who became parents at this age and... let’s just say that it working out as perfectly as Polly describes is pretty freaking unlikely.

Polly not being taken away until July 4th feels a bit awkward. I was under the impression that she’d been gone longer than that. But her being dragged into a van against her will isn’t exactly helping with the allusions to Polly basically being a prisoner here.

In the blink of an eye, Polly turns the crazy up to eleven and it’s a little disturbing. Yeah, she definitely needs to be in a hospital, but I’m not entirely sure that’s what this place is.

First Josie gets pissed at Val for singing (god forbid someone in a band try to do that) and now she’s pissed at Veronica for NOT signing? This girl has no idea what she wants.

Veronica is upset that she hasn’t seen her dad in three months. Man, that really makes you think. So many of the parents on this show are out of their damn minds, but they still get to walk around free, so what exactly did Hiram do that was bad enough to land him in prison? Cannibalism? Murder/suicide cult? I’m guessing it was a wee bit more extreme than embezzlement or whatever the excuse they gave us in the pilot was.

Archie and Val actually sound good together. See, Archie? This is what a healthy relationship with a female looks like.

Alice was definitely being cruel by not telling Polly that Jason was dead, but considering how quickly Polly’s mental stability just shattered like stale potato chips, keeping her in the dark may have been the lesser of two evils.

Fred, Hermione, Archie, Josie, Josie’s control freak mom and her arrogant asshole dad are all having dinner and the tension is thick enough to kill a horse. Should they just call for an ambulance now or wait for someone to draw blood first?

Betty straight up asks her dad if he killed Jason. I’m surprised they’re playing that card this early, but I guess red herrings aren’t meant to last long.

Oh shit! Don’t use the “C” word around Betty! Even at the best of times, she’s one bad day away from breaking out that Darth Betty wig and going to town on this whole cast with a meat cleaver. Why tempt fate?

I wouldn’t put it passed Josie’s parents to not give Archie’s dad the contract simply out of spite for his son luring Val away from Josie’s band. That’s not the reason they give him, but that’s probably what it’s really about. At any rate, those two are world class pricks for coming to dinner with him and letting him go through that whole presentation just to tell him that the contract was already given to someone else.

Hermione is trying to get Fred the contract, which is self-serving, but also a really nice thing to do considering the way Hiram wanted to go was undoubtedly a lot shadier, but Veronica refuses to put her signature on the thing because she doesn’t like her mom dating someone. This is one of those rare occasions in Riverdale when the parent is actually more likable than the kid. I get that Veronica is upset about this, but seeing as her dad has most likely spent the last several months behind bars being someone’s bitch, maybe she should give her mom a break.

Archie tells Val she should perform with the Pussycats. I think he’s trying to do the right thing here, but doesn’t this mean that he just dicked with Veronica a second time since she just replaced Val in the Pussycats and Val coming back will make her a fifth wheel?

“They’re parents. They’re all crazy.” On this show? Yeah. Truer words have never been spoken in Riverdale.

JUGHEAD KISSES BETTY?!?! WTF IS GOING ON?!?! THE ONLY WAY THIS HAPPENS IS IF HE’S IMAGINING A HAMBURGER WHERE HER FACE SHOULD BE!! FUCK THIS!! THESE WRITERS KNOW NOTHING!!

The Pussycats sing a cover of some disco song at the variety show. Wasn’t them not doing other people’s songs a big thing for them? I’m pretty sure there was a line in the pilot about that.

Poor Veronica looks like she feels really out of place onstage with the Pussycats and I feel bad for her. Sure, she’s been a jerk at times in this episode, but she’s been jerked around by other people just as much.

The Pussycats give a great performance which Josie’s musical snob dad leaves in the middle of. Because Josie’s dad is a jackass.

Archie and Veronica apologizing to each other was sweet. Something I’m noticing with Grundy gone now is that, while Archie continues to screw up pretty regularly, his mistakes are becoming less severe and he’s getting quicker at trying to fix them.

Archie has to follow the Pussycats on top of battling stage fright. They really threw this poor schmuck into the deep end head first, didn’t they? Did Reggie choose the order of these acts by any chance?

Awww, Betty feels bad that she’s missing Archie’s song. This girl is so pure that she has me absolutely dreading her inevitable psychotic episode. Crazy does seem to run in her family after all.

Archie does really well and gets a standing ovation. Because no matter how many times he screws up, I guess it wouldn’t be Riverdale if everyone in town wasn’t in love with this guy. But, hey, he had a personal problem that didn’t involve statutory rape and he overcame it. I call that progress.

So what was that stuff with the wolf masks all about?

How long is Veronica going to be passive aggressively giving her mom shit for this thing with Fred Andrews? I’d tell her to be realistic about the chances of her parents getting back together, but this is apparently some wacko, bizarro world, parallel universe where Jughead likes girls, so clearly the writers have checked realism at the door.

Polly escaping the mental hospital (or whatever it is we’re calling that place) seriously plays like the beginning of a slasher flick. But she jumped out of a second or third story window, heavily pregnant. How far could she possibly have gotten?

My newest theory is that Polly killed Jason and then convinced herself that it never happened because, you know, she's fucking nuts.

#archie andrews #betty cooper #polly cooper #josie and the pussycats #1x06 #faster pussycats kill kill #riverdale

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rangerhanna-56-blog · 8 years ago

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You're upset bc you got called out on saying something stupid like just man up and say ok I'm wrong I won't do it again sorry like that's all you have to do.... it really is that simple ????

Okay but have you seen my other posts where I said "I'm wrong I get it" "I get it I fucked up"Like I literally acknowledged I fucked up and people still felt the need to send a 17 year old death threats because literally you can't fucking disagree with anyone on this shit website without people attacking you. Like I'm literally being told to kill myself over a sarcastic comment I made and it literally drove me into having a psychotic episode because I literally have multiple psychological problems and I ended up carving awful fucking shit into my body with an actual knife. Like do people on here actually realize when they attack someone, that person might not actually be able to handle being threatened because of something literally so fucking small. I literally went to this person and tried to explain myself and yeah I did it in a petty way and they posted it for literally all their followers to see, but then as soon as I started getting anon hate they were like "but those aren't MY followers". Like how do you ACTUALLY know none of those people aren't your followers tho??? Like do you really think that ur followers are gonna step forward and say "yeah lol I was one of those ppl threatening that girl and saying that her and her family deserve to be killed" legit all because I compared TRUMP to fucking HITLER. Like bitch now that I've had my mental breakdown and I've calmed down a bit I can actually advocate for myself and say I'm allowed to have a differing fucking opinion than someone else and I shouldn't be fucking harassed for it. And idk wtf the whole "white liberalism" thing is when like I've done nothing to show I only care about the white race. Like yeah I'm white but that's literally just it??? Like sorry that I think that history is repeating itself bc THE SIGNS ARE ALL THERE and I have countless people agreeing with me WHO HAVE STUDIED THIS SHIT, that Trump is going to turn this country into something absolutely fucked up (he's literally having neo-nazis work for him like idk how else to fucking make this comparison any clearer???). Like are you just upset bc I compared him to hitler bc that's literally what everyone has been doing and it's annoying or are you literally trying to tell me that there are no similarities between them and that I shouldn't be worried as much as you all should be??? Like as long as you're not a Straight White CIS Christian Male, you're fucked. People are being fucking murdered because of this dude. What I'm trying to say if yeah I'm admitting I fucked up and I literally HAVE BEEN but none of you people people listen so I literally went into full panic mode and caused physical fucking harm to my body that probably requires a doctor to look at (let's be honest im not going to a fucking doctor because if they ask me why all this happened and I tell them it was tumblr discourse, they either won't understand or I'll get the biggest eye roll ever). I literally hope everyone is satisfied with themselves here. Are you happy that you got the "clueless white girl" to finally hurt herself because I hope you are. And the whole thing about me "using my mental illness to manipulate people and make them feel bad for me" is so much bullshit. Yes I had someone take a screenshot btw because I wanted to see how things were playing out. All because you got through this type of shit without support doesn't mean you're a better human being??? This was talked about as if people knew exactly what I suffer from and that it was just me using mild depression or something to excuse the dumb shit I do. And if you haven't fucking noticed yet, I literally just admitted right there that some of the shit I do is in fact dumb.If you want to get into this with me and you really want an explanation I can give it to you because that really isn't half the case. My family literally is full of people who have psychological problems (some of which I don't even know the names of). Just recently my grandfather (a retired police officer) was found hiding in his bedroom from my grandmother with a loaded fucking gun while whispering to it and he was later diagnosed with stage 3 Alzheimer's and he's convinced my grandmother is a member of the Italian mafia sent to assassinate him. I'm not telling you family stories for nothing and I'm sure you guys are gonna have a good laugh about this too because no matter what I say to explain myself I still get treated like shit. Im not even sure if I'm allowed to say this, but if even a team of Harvard Medical Graduates; professionals that people from all around the world seek for help from; can't pinpoint what psychological problems I have, then I shouldn't be given that "trying to manipulate people" shit. A fucking adult said this. If you have any experience with being mentally ill like you say you do, then you know just how fucking difficult it is to properly function and be able to say the right things and advocate for yourself. Do you know how fucking hard it is to fall asleep at night and wake up in the morning knowing that you'll probably have to rely on a caretaker for the rest of your fucking life because you can't make choices for yourself and will need to be under constant supervision so you don't fucking hang yourself one day?? I don't fucking enjoy being a literal walking disease, but thanks for implying that I would ever use it as a fucking tool to get what I want when I want it, you ignorant fuck. You didn't possibly think after screenshotting my mental breakdown that "Hey, someone probably has to have some type of chemical imbalance to type all of this out" before posting it and using it as a prop to get on some fucking high horse. I'm not some mildly depressed idiot fucking white girl who has no clue what happens outside of the cushy walls of my fucking house. I know how fucking horrible and disgusting the human race can be to each other which is part of the reason why I'm like this.I get it! You're so much more fucking smarter than me!!! I'm a stereotypical white western liberal! You caught me red handed! I literally hope that every single one of you have gotten your superiority fix for the day because I've literally had to move blogs because of this. I actually came back to this blog to clean up my mess of posts which is what I do after my episodes, and I happened to notice that one of the anons I had was surprisingly not abuse, but still something bitchy anyway. If you want anything positive to come from me answering this, then I'm just gonna say Thank You for not being like one of the other people who wished death upon me. If you guys still aren't satisfied with this, then I don't fucking know what else to say?? I've explained myself and admitted over and over that I was wrong, but nobody was satisfied until I freaked the fuck out and they got a good laugh out of causing a stupid white girl distress. I'm humiliated now and have pretty much become a laughing stock so yeah. There it is.

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wtf-parenting-blog · 8 years ago

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WTF perinatal mental health

Open wide guys, we're going deep. Having been pregnant and now having a child makes you realise even more the importance of being mentally well. Not everyone is misfortunate enough to have experienced mental ill health and too many people have little to no understanding. I'm going to school you bitches and you're not gonna like it (but maybe you secretly will). Perinatal refers to the period while pregnant and in the year after the pregnancy has ended. I say ended. This is because not every pregnancy ends successfully. Whether a person has been 2 weeks or 2 months pregnant when loss is experienced, the hormone and emotional changes can impact on their mental health too. If the pregnancy has been successful, "OMG, what do you have to be sad about? Look at that beautiful baby." Let's go..... You don't have to have a previous diagnosis to develop mental ill health in the perinatal period. If a woman has had a previous diagnosis of mental illness, relapse is a very real possibility, even after a long period of stability. This is due to most medications not having been researched thoroughly in pregnancy and advice is to withdraw treatment. 70% of women who withdraw their medication will relapse. The most common illness diagnosed in the perinatal period is depression. Why wouldn't you be super duper excited about having a baby? After having the baby is it not just, like, the best? Well naw. It doesn't take a fucking genius to look at it logically. Pregnancy is traumatic. Your body is taken over, you are a human incubator. Some people no longer see YOU as an individual. And while being somebodies mummy is lovely for the majority of women, being referred to at 'x's mum' can be a form of torture for people who have a strong sense of their own identity. There are huge hormonal changes before and after pregnancy and these can negatively affect a persons mental wellbeing. Being a new mother can also be incredibly isolating on top of draining which makes the situation go from bad to "why the fuck can I not just be dead now? Please and thank you." Depression is not 'baby blues' or just feeling a wee bit sad. It's a form of torture caused by your own body. Persistent low mood, lack of energy, difficulty bonding with your child, isolating yourself. The list of symptoms are pretty much endless. 5% of new fathers also experience PND. Depression is also co-morbid with other mental illnesses such as generalised anxiety disorder (GAD) and obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD). The misunderstanding around OCD gives me incredible rage. You're not "soooo OCD", because you like things a certain way. That makes you particular. OCD is an extreme anxiety disorder, the World Health Organisation ranks it in the top 10 most debilitating illnesses, right up there with cancer 👎🏻. Sufferers gain no pleasure from their compulsions that they perform to neutralise their obsessions, only more anguish. In perinatal OCD the obsessions typically revolve around some form of harm coming to the baby, accidentally or intentionally, by another or the mother. It's the worst thing they can think of, and the torture of the mental images and thoughts makes them think that they are likely to come true. They are not. They will believe they are capable of monstrous acts and will do everything in their power to ensure no harm comes to their child. In extreme cases they will avoid caring for the child entirely. Even after a diagnosis of OCD, and reassurance that they are not capable of causing harm to ANYONE, they will consistently doubt the diagnosis. MIND. FUCK. OCD can often be misdiagnosed as post partum psychosis (PPP). PPP affects around 1 in 1000 women after pregnancy, with bizarre thoughts and auditory and visual hallucinations. There is an increased risk in mothers with bipolar or who have female relatives who have previously experienced PPP or have a diagnosis of bipolar. It's horrific. In OCD a mother might fear that she could accidentally or intentionally drown their baby in the bath, so avoids bathing their child. With PPP a mother might actually drown their baby in the bath. PPP usually, but not always, occurs within the first 2 weeks after birth. Thankfully, this is when there are usually lots of people around and it can be picked up on, ensuring that no harm is caused. This is not an exhaustive list, but mental ill health is treatable with medication and psychological intervention. Mothers who experience illness in this period experience extreme guilt, which on top of all the other shite going on, sucks chode. People should not be afraid to speak out and help remove the stigma surrounding mental ill health, not just in the perinatal period but for all stages of life. So. Change your fucking attitudes.

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ticketybooworld-blog · 6 years ago

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VOICES INC ONLINE! Recovery from Mental Illness is ‘ always ‘ possible!

Blog created by Barrie Macvicar - Positive about Pain & Mental Health Support Group. (facebook)

The Hopesturn Project

So who is Peter Hawes? Well to me Peter Hawes is a man who came into my life at just the right time. That time was when i was still a service user in February 2012. I met Peter on joining an online support group called

Intervoice - The International hearing Voices Movement.

The reason i had joined this group speaks for itself. Yup ! It’s in the name? Yeah ! That’s right. I was ‘ hearing voices.’ I was hearing lots of voices. Peter was one of the first to answer my call for help when i was in distress then with my experiences. He and a selection of others were instrumental in helping to teach me how to go about managing to facilitate my very own recovery. These guys just threw me some tools and helped to keep pointing me in the right direction. I then i had to get on with the hard work myself. What work? Rebuilding my entire life and mind. I had a lot to do. I guess i kinda became the apprentice of my own existence. I had to start all over again and these guys showed me how,

Peter Hawes, Kevin Healey,(Recovery Network Toronto) Egan Bidois, Mike llm Kruger, Rachel Waddingham, Richard Walkinshaw, Shirley Coffey, Lani Maria E, Paul Baker , Margaret Wylie, Marry Maddock, Earla Dunbar Suzanne Beachy and loads more all came together to offer advice friendship and support. Support that helped me Barrie Macvicar find the strength to both change and rebuild my life.

On meeting Peter i was heavily medicated. On multiple medications & diagnosed Paranoid Schizophrenic. I was in mental health services & was treated in both the hospital setting, as well as in the community. For the last two years of my time in services i was also fortunate enough to have 3 days per week home support.from a charity known as Penumbra.

Thanks to Peter and all the others i am sat here today no longer in mental health services nor hearing voices and no longer in need of support. I was discharged in August of 2013. I now live medication free. I no longer have any active Schizophrenia and i have the doctors letter to prove it. I am just getting on with enjoying living my life as best as i can. Independently. Still using the tools and the knowledge given to me by my crew above to keep myself well. At the same time as having the comfort of knowing they are all still here online at the touch of a button.

Yeah ! There is a lot to be said for online support and the friendships and knowledge that can be gained right here on

SOCIAL MEDIA !

So get yourself started and take a look at Peter’s websites below. Where you can see his work at

VOICES INC ONLINE

you can also watch a film of Peter here doing some of his Glass work and at the bottom of this page you can a look at Peters latest genius creation.

RECOVERY BOX !

Peter is my brother from another mother he’s both a friend and an inspiration and i’m sure once you will see why on reading the remainder of this blog.

Thanks everyone

Barrie Macvicar.

What is Hopesturn?

An article by Peter Hawes

Based on a project designed by everyone

So I feel to explain hopes-turn I should give a back history of the realisations that led to hopes-turn. I spent 15 years in the psych system believing one universal truth that was pushed down our throats for years. It was quite simply “you have a mental illness and medication helps so take your meds” This turned out to be untrue for me and multiple others, although I will admit that there is some the bio medical model works well for. I dont meet them often but I have seen the rare few. I then exited that system and became a victim of trauma and then later joined the hearing voices network. The hvn was somewhat productive but when I tried to push other ideas and views I was asked to conform. I couldn’t do it as it involved lying to the people on things I believed to be true. So as it turns out I did basically 15 years in a one size fits all system and then another 3 in a one size fits all system. As if that wasn’t bad enough I started my own organisation voices inc. Which was based on art therapy involving fused glass and my own psychoanalytical/ holistic theories on recovery. Voices inc while being a good project and helping a lot of people didn’t work for everyone. We had a 70% variable success rate of recovery for our attendees. Perhaps that’s cause it was a one size fits all system...... WTF are we all doing us holistic heroes in mental health like seriously there is no one size fits all system. I myself was very opinionated and just didn’t get the whole everyone’s different individuality thing so my thinking at the time was very black and white and I had the belief that this works for everyone cause it works for me and others. I will admit it was a bullshit attitude to have. But I never said I was ever perfect nor that my journey was complete I always said when up on stage that we are all still learning and growing together. Myself included. So I took some time off to learn what I needed to learn and evolve into who I wanted to be. I've spent the better part of the last year learning to listen to people and understand individuality and learning to be a team player and delegate as I felt these were all skills I needed to learn and doing so would make me a better leader and friend and just person in general. Somewhere between listening to people and understanding people me and my awesome bunch of past and present voices inc members came up with an idea. I remember the day well we were all sitting round at my right hand man Michaels place bitching about the system and lack of supports, when Robbie one of my proteges made the comment its a shame we cant get voices inc centres set up everywhere then we could reach everyone. I thought about this and theres no way we could reach everyone thats impossible. So my response was yeah voices inc is awesome robbie but I wish there were more holistic methods coming through so we could cater to the choice and individuality of the consumer. I believe it was tori who made the comment hey if we took out all the holistic therapy and art therapy out of voices inc could the same methods be used to set something else up? I went holy crap that girl has a point. Thus we all became very excited about the possibility of the new project we had devised over a bitching session at the current mental health system. Thus Hopesturn project was born. It is among my favourite projects for the simple truth that it was created not just by me but by multiple members and so has many shades and different perspectives. So now you have the story of how it was born it still doesnt answer wtf is hopes-turn? Hopes turn is a peer run initiative, hopes turn is you, hopes turn is me and hopes turn is anyone who wants to make a difference. Basically its a collective of knowledge and ideas and resources to establish different peer support groups. Hopesturn is brilliantly an anagram for “Helping Other Peers Establish Support Through Unification Recovery Network” There will be many exciting advances and opportunities in hopesturn such as--------- hopesturn radio- where peers can run there own time slot on a radio show about whatever subject they want. The benefits of this are that not only does it keep the peers running the shows motivated to talk or educate on topics they already know about, but it also provides an entirely peer run radio station for people to listen to on a variety of topics. Hopesturn peer support app – The hopes turn app is being designed at the moment and will be a bunch of chat rooms with possible gearing towards a social network theme. So that it is connecting peers with similar lived experience to each other to chat and make connections whatever there framework be it mental illness or trauma based or behaviour based or the aliens implanted a chip in my brain and that’s where my distress comes from :-P either way there’s sure to be a chat room or option to network with peers with similar views. There are also currently being set up a bunch of resources usable by hopes turn members to create and developed there own peer support groups from online conference rooms to learning resources around topics based on networking or finding a venue or even raising funds to keep your group running. The goal of hopesturn is to establish the training and resources to develop more peer run options so if anyone has an idea for a peer support group they can get this up and running. For example lets say there’s a guy called bob. We will for the sake of the argument say bob has bipolar the mental illness and identifies as such because that’s his framework for his experiences and symptoms. (I personally think bipolar actually is biological and has to do with a sensitivity to hormones and instability in environment in child hood where the child has many ups and downs) It does not matter what I think though, cause this is about bob and how bob sees things. Bob has found that dancing helps him with his highs and lows and helps him keep balance in his life. Bob then wonders if this would help other people given how beneficial dancing is for him. Lets also say for the sake of the argument bob is on lithium remembering that bob is in the mental illness framework but bobs not anti psychiatry nor pro psychiatry he just finds lithium helps him (I'm still anti psychiatry and anti meds but pro free choice and I can be anti psychiatry and anti meds cause it works well for me but each to there own) So bob decides to try set up a group called Bipolar Bobs Dancing group. Lets say he decides to run it on a Monday night for 3 hours between 5pm and 8pm. But bob while having a good idea has absolutely no idea on how to get his idea from a hypothetical to a reality as hes never done anything like this before. So bob jumps on hopesturn and finds an article on sourcing products to sell at markets. Bob is also recommended by another member dan who runs a group for depression about crowd funding and finds an article on how to set that up plus get some kick ass exposure for his crowd funding campaign. Bob also finds on hopesturn 3 other members in his local area with bipolar who are interested in helping set up his group. Bob also finds on hopesturn network a mental health worker who works in his local area and will organise a venue. Bob also finds a link to a guy who will design a flier for his group. Bob sets up the crowd funding campaign and maxes out exposure and while the crowd funding campaign is doing its thing raising cash bob gets the flier he had designed canvassed around town and local organisations. Bob uses some of the crowd funding money to run the group for the first month and invests the rest into sellable market products which arrive a week after the group starts and gets an awesome turn out. Member’s who attend bobs group are more then happy to help raise funds by doing markets sell the stock bob has ordered in. Before you know it bobs group has become a social enterprise and begins to grow. Bob then gets some of his best dancers and starts a flash mob in the city to raise awareness for bipolar and gets an article in the paper and segment on the news with contacts he found on hopeturn for media publicity. So you see how this sort of thing can just keep growing when a collective of knowledge and resources and people work together. I've done a lot in mental health and my reputation and accomplishments are re-known and I get a lot of people asking me how I accomplished all that I have in the last six years from the whole public speaking, websites, book and articles and being on tv to setting up 2 mental health organisations. The truth is there’s nothing special about me.. sure I have a high iq and adhd and a bunch of cool people behind me but at the end of the day I'm just like you the only difference is I worked out six or seven years ago that there is nothing we cant do as humans, we are basically geared to evolve and grow on a daily basis so the words can't or impossible are to me just bullshit words for things we haven’t figured out how to do yet. So I never stop I just keep looking for solutions I'm hoping that this project designed by the collective of peers will reach so many and help them figure out how to do things and over time see the possibilities are limitless. I am also hoping that it will provide more peer support options to cater to peoples individuality so that many systems can be developed cause not everything works for everyone and its important to have multiple options and support resources for consumers to access to fullly aid them in there recovery, whatever that looks like to each and everyone. Remember we own our own recovery and its different for all of us. So stay tuned guys cause this is all going off like a match at a gas station in the not too distant future . Me and the team are just finalising some of the projects and then BOOM. I will add some fliers of some of the projects that hopes turn has initiated so far and I have included voices inc because the methods removing the art therapy and holistic therapy are what we used to get the other groups up and running

Above (right) you can see some examples of Peter Hawes glass work. Peter is also well known as Peter Hawes Glass Artist and here below he shows how some of that work is done.

youtube

RECOVERY BOX ! The Recovery Box idea was formulated on 27 February 2018 when Peter Hawes and Douglas Holmes met in Point Cook, Victoria to put their ideas down on paper and to start clarifying what was needed to turn the Recovery Box from an idea into a project that would change how information would be made available to Consumer, Carers, Mental Health Professionals and the general public. The original idea was to develop an App that could be incorporated into the product Peter had developed and was already selling successfully online.

The original idea was to develop an App that could be incorporated into the product Peter had developed and was already selling successfully online.

However as the brainstorming continued using GLOSS – OFF, both Peter and Douglas made the decision to rebrand a box with its own firmware and content.

This link will explains GLOSS – OFF https://youtu.be/BDJyhqbsZv0

Peter organised a meeting with Kevin and we agreed to work together to see how we could turn this idea into a product that would revelocision how new people coming into the current Mental Health system would access information that could improves people lifes journey

A small working group of interested people would be asked to participate in a working group to assist with identifying what information would be included under each of the heading in the App:

The Headings for each of the Channels include:

Stories Coping Strategies Recovery Resources Medical solutions Events To view RECOVERY BOX - CLICK HERE

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huckfoes-blog1 · 7 years ago

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being bipolar is the scariest thing in my life I hate it I hate how this is what I have to deal with constantly the medicines, the depressed stage, the manic, the making such rash decisions that I put my life in danger.. the constant quitting when im scared or depressed I just leave Idc who I hurt as long as for that moment for that high of the manic im happy so damn happy then hours later im like wtf did I just do I just changed my life into a whole different direction and my life was good why did my brain just go fuck this leave you need to stop and leave go spend thousands of dollars go drive 700 miles to a new state with no money go leave everyone who likes and loves you just end it go spend 18 hours sleeping and not caring if you have money for rent or food you need sleep but you also need to go do this and this and this but your mind doesn't allow you to do anything your are supposed to because this little fucking demon says don't move don't eat don't brush your hair don't fucking move and the anxiety of it all cause you worry am I going to be okay for this day this week this month or am I going to have a crashing episode of fuck this and everything be depressed be happy be depressed fuck your life up again thoughts going through my mind of you're not good enough no one likes you everyone hates you youre fat you're ugly go kill yourself you deserve to be like this you're worthless to everyone I hate needing the constant reassurance that I am good that im doing good that I matter yet even when people tell me that I don't believe it because all your mind says is you suck they are lying they don't like you.. they are just going to leave you so push them away before they can leave cause a scene yell cry throw things punch the wall break your promises because you suck I fucking hate bipolar it fucking sucks being alone in your bathtub crying because the thoughts in your head won't go the fuck away stop fucking glamorizing mental illness when the fuck did people start thinking this was cool like this is the new fad this is the new it thing fucking stop

#bipolor #depressed #depression #life

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newagesispage · 7 years ago

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MARCH 2018

PAGE RIB

*****The Stones win best trad blues album at the Grammy’s : Blue and Lonesome. Keith says, “It’s about fucking time.”**The Stones are doing 11 more dates on the No Filter European tour. ** Keith Richards made news with his comments in the WSJ. “It’s time to snip. You can’t be a Father at that age. Those poor kids.” He said about Mick Jagger. He could say the same about Ron Wood. He has since apologized.

*****UK parliament is debating the legalization of weed.

***** West Virginia teachers marched across the state and finally got a raise.

*****Kevin Smith, 47, had a heart attack on Feb. 26. Colin Quinn also had a heart attack on Valentines day. Get well soon.

*****Black Panther has 2 record setting weekends.

***** Three billboards were hijacked by street artist Sabo. They say: And the Oscar for biggest pedophile goes to…/ We all knew and still no arrests / name names on stage or shut the hell up. The artist previously altered a movie sign to make it seem like Al Franken was grabbing Zendaya.

***** The anti- defemation league reports that anit-semetic incidents are up in the US by 57%.

*****It looks like ABC is giving Alec Baldwin a talk show.

***** Celebs are jumping on board to stand with the kids in the March for our lives. Fallon and Goldberg will be there.

*****Michelle Obama’s memoir, BECOMING, will be here in November.

*****Studies show that so many animals found or turned in to find new homes are not given the 7 days that most people think. So many animals are simply euthanized immediately. Adopt if U can!

***** Daryl Hannah’s first full length directorial effort, Paradox is coming in March. The western stars Neil Young, , Willie, Micah and Lucas Nelson.

***** LA to Vegas on Fox is really so fun!!

***** Brad Pitt is joining the Tarantino/ DiCaprio movie that is in the works.

*****It is surprising that the department store Bergner’s has lasted as long as it has. It is the end of an era though that the Sheridan Village branch in Peoria, Il. will close its doors. Bergner’s was founded in Peoria 130 years ago. The Sheridan Village branch opened more than 60 years ago. The parent company Bonton has had financial issues and is closing 7 stores.

*****Lebron James was speaking out as is his right and Laura Ingram told him on the air to “shut up and dribble.” The NBA star replied, “Laura who?” She wants him to go on her show. Why would he want to help her ratings? Why does Fox news believe in free speech for themselves but nobody else?

***** Jake Shears ,formerly of the Fab Scissor Sisters has gone solo and has also released a book, Boys keep swinging. Woo Hoo!! He is also playing Charlie Prince in Kinky Boots.

*****Indonesia is looking at outlawing sex before marriage.

*****Recent articles tell us that George Washington’s teeth were pulled from the heads of slaves.

*****Russia was behind the hacking in Korea during the Olympics.

*****The US was 4th at the Olympics with 23 gold medals.

***** The latest accused: Ryan Seacrest. ABC and E! are standing by him. Bellamy Young, for one wonders why he does not step down from his Oscar red carpet hosting duties. Seacrest has not mentioned any of this on his Live with Kelly show. I think the red carpet and Live would be better without him.

*****Do people get just how hard it is for sexual abuse victims to come forward? Do we see the pattern of victims who are not believed or shut up by powerful agendas already in place? C’mon Congress, priests, teachers, police and everyone please speak up. The Nassar Olympic doctor had an unbelievable 265 victims. Open your hearts and your ears and show compassion. **Scary Clown tweets that lives are being destroyed and what happened to due process? WTF? You can’t have it both ways. What about the women who claimed you assaulted them? What about Al Franken and how he was pushed out? ** And Sara H. Sanders and Kelly Ann Conway should be ashamed of themselves and the way they support these abusers. What about the grace of Sorenson and Porters alleged victims? These women had to be interviewed, disrupting their lives when these men wanted these WH positions. They told their truth but added that the men were good at their jobs. They tried to do right by men who they say abused them. It is unbelievable that our President discards them and sticks up for his buddies. As a woman we are used to this sort of behavior but it does seem time for this to end. ** Now even Trump’s celebrity spokespersons are having sex issues like Scott Baio. Why are these good old boys just allowed to go their merry way? **Brendon Fraser claims the former President of the Hollywood foreign press, Philip Berk, groped him in 2003. The’ me too’ movement gave him confidence to come forward.

*****The DOJ is cracking down on phone scammers who target the elderly. Now that is a worthy cause. I hope they get somewhere with this because this is a huge problem.

***** Olya Borisova and Sasha Sofeev of Pussy Riot have disappeared in Crimea.

*****Michelle Wolf will host the White House correspondent’s dinner.

***** Thanks for this reminder Mia : Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none. ….. Shakespeare

*****James Comey tweeted: American history shows that in the long run, weasels and liars never hold the field, so long as good people stand up. Not a lot of schools or streets named for Joe McCarthy.

*****Have Senators from Michigan and Wisconsin raised a red flag about abuse with voting machines? As Streisand reminds us, Gore ‘lost’ by 537 votes . Paper ballots please!!!

*****Atlanta will be back on March 1.. Woo Hoo!!** Donald Glover got a standing ovation on Colbert. He so absolutely deserves it!! He also bought a lot of girl scout cookies.

***** Ellen DeGeneres surprised Jimmy Kimmel by dedicating a children’s hospital room to his son.

*****Poland has passed a bill that will give citizens up to 3 years in prison for accusing the Polish state or people of involvement in the Holocaust.

*****Netflix will bring us Amber Tamblyn in Paint it Black.**Ryan Murphy is moving to Netflix . FX and Fox will still bring us AHS, Feud, American Crime story and the new Pose about the transgender community in the 80’s. Word is that Murphy was unsure about the Disney/20th Century Fox/ Comcast talks. ** Netflix cancelled Disjointed.

***** What I love about politics is the balance of power and how people who are completely different can use this beautiful government as it was set up by fairly coming to a compromise. It is not the first time but it has gone off the rails. This President pays no attention to rules. I am not always a big lover of rules but damn if we don’t need them for the running of this country. I mean he really, truly does not seem to give a fuck about this great country. ** VOTE!! The most important thing we can do is vote! Funny or Die is giving a big push to sign up voters by going to the most important races and educating citizens.** Again, Paper Ballots please.. everyone should insist on paper ballots!

*****Mandy Patinkin got his star on the Hollywood walk of fame.

*****Zach Braff is in a new series called Alex Inc.

*****Aniston and Theroux have split.

*****Wes Anderson is back with Isle of Dogs.

*****Amy Schumer married chef Chris Fischer.

*****Another shooting and we must vote these fuckers out. Go Go Sen. Chris Murphy from Connecticut who called himself and his colleagues out. Some NRA lovin’ are trying not to trot out the same old tired line but with a twist, ”I won’t say it’s not time to talk about it but” and then talks on about the emotion involved and the gun issue should be set aside. Some blame video games. Others talk of metal detectors and arming teachers. Apparently our kids should walk into fortresses. Teachers don’t have enough worries with teaching our children and figuring out how they can afford supplies. Now they want educators to have firearm training. This is better than a little gun regulation? The Parkland shooting took place about 40 miles from Mar A Lago. The shooter bought an AR 15 in the last year after Trump signed a bill revoking an Obama era gun check for people with mental illness. The FBI did not look long and hard enough at complaints about the shooter. They get about a thousand tips a day. Police were called to his home at least 20 times. Scott Peterson, a deputy with a gun who was there to help prevent this did nothing. There is a lot of blame to go around.** This isn’t the first time that authority has dropped the ball. What is with all the incompetence? Patty Hearst’s name was on a list of people the SLA wanted to kidnap and nobody told her. Priests are simply moved around after they are found to be child molesters. Police who have been given warnings about racism and excessive force are left on the job. Domestic violence gets a slap on the wrist until they kill the family. Enough!!!**Big Kudos to the savvy kids who know what the fuck is going on. The young folk are not brainwashed, they want change. They haven’t had as many years to get as angry as we are, but they are just scared.** The shooter has pictures of himself online with a MAGA hat on. Gee.. did not see that one coming.** One cannot help but think of the young people getting killed in Vietnam and the mistreatment of so many that caused students to mobilize against the war and organize for civil rights. I think the women’s march, Black lives matter, me too , impeachment rally’s and march for science have set good examples for these kids. They were paying attention but we did not do enough, we must stand with them.

*****March 24, 2018: The March for our lives! These savvy kids are taking action. They blitzed the Sunday morning circuit on the 18th with their message. They have had it with the same old shit. They want to march and with Generation Z, minorities, women and millennials we could change this country. They want comprehensive gun control and are using the words of politicians past to get their point across. ‘You are with us or against us ‘and ‘they have blood on their hands’ are just some of the lines they are using. These students do not care about republican or democrat, they care about results. Neither party has been doing them any favors lately. They plan to give out badges of shame to those who accept money from the NRA. Go Go GO!!** Another idea floated has been to stop sending kids to school until reasonable laws are put in place.** And I always wondered about this ratings system they have. These politicians are proud to have an A+ rating? I mean who the fuck are they?

*****The NRA gave the kids a couple of days and then they came out swinging. The NRA used a Parks and Rec GIF of Leslie Knope as they thanked Dana Loesch for being the voice of the NRA at the CNN town hall. Creator Mike Shur responded, “I would prefer you not use a GIF from the show I worked on to promote your pro slaughter agenda.” He added, Amy Poehler isn’t on twitter but she texted me a message, ‘Can you tweet the NRA for me and tell them I said fuck off.’** Many companies have severed ties with the NRA.** Scary Clown won’t talk gun legislation. ** Hey Hey NRA: You can’t be the PTA!** Over a dozen different victims of the Florida shooting have received death threats. WTF?** An armed social studies teacher in Georgia fired off a shot after not allowing students into his classroom. He later surrendered.

***** Dick’s sporting goods are pulling assault weapons from their stores permanently. The owner says the law isn’t doing enough so he is taking the steps. Wal mart stopped selling them 3 years ago. Both have now decided to raise the age in the stores to 21. Wal Mart is taking out toys that resemble assault rifles.** On the last day of February Trump said: “Take the firearms first and then go to court- take the guns first, go through due process second.” Hmm!? So now Trump is calling out the NRA a bit. Lawmakers make it so obvious that they just did not want Obama to get any credit for helping with this problem. They claim the slippery slope but they knew he and other dems did not want to take anybody’s guns away. We all want common sense and either they never listen to other view points or they just want all the credit. Take a look at yourselves. Will Trumps hard core base like this new no due process take and how long will that point of view last? It does seem that this time businesses and states are just going ahead with their own agenda.

*****The new face on Face the Nation is moderator Margaret Brennan.** Thanks for your spotlight on the mass homicide in Syria in your first broadcast as host.

*****The Polk award winners are Jodi Kantor, Megaze and Ronan Farrow.

*****While the world was talking about the shooting and the bravery of the children for speaking up and the new revelations of Russia, Fox news spends the day in remembering of Billy Graham. RIP

*****Wendy Williams is taking time off due to a diagnosis of Graves disease.

*****A recent billboard: When will they love their kids more than their guns?

*****This whole ‘memo’ bullshit is bogus yet so dangerous. After the Dem memo, Trump tweeted a denial of phone calls.

*****Let us thank the conservatives for first funding this Russian dossier. ** Now we are hearing about a Playboy playmate that Scary Clown allegedly had a 9 month affair with. ** And hey.. Didn’t the signature red tie thing belong to Dangerfield? Stop it Trump!!

*****The Paramount network has brought us the great mini series: WACO with Michael Shannon and Rory Culkin. The biggest revelation: J. Edgar Hoover was on the Mickey Mouse Club.

*****Jedediah Bila married Jeremy Scher.

*****The 4 hour HBO doc, The Zen Diaries of Garry Shandling will grace us on March 26.

*****The 5th season of Arrested Development is completed for Netflix. David Cross said in an interview that the cast stands behind Jeffrey Tambor after his firing from Amazon. Arrested will be out later in the year.

****Missouri Governor Eric Greitens was indicted for felony invasion of privacy.

*****Heather Locklear was arrested for domestic violence and battery on a police officer on Feb. 25.

*****Trevor Noah’s ‘ Born A Crime will be adapted to film and will star Lupita Nyong’o.

*****The BAFTA’s were handed out. Much love was given to Three billboards outside Ebbing, Mo. For film and also to Frances McDormand , Martin McDonagh for original screenplay and Sam Rockwell. Adapted screenplay went to James Ivory, it was so good to see him honored again. Gary Oldman and Guillermo del Toro also won.

*****Snoop Dogg has a new gospel album.

*****The talk show of Harry Connick Jr. is winding down.

*****Check out This is not happening with Roy Wood Jr. I am in when he is involved. It is a sort of tell all with stand ups. The amount of liquor bottles behind them in the bar is straight out of Bob and Ringo’s (refer to Grandview USA).

*****Hulu is giving us Castle Rock with …hell yea.. Sissy Spacek.

***** Somehow you never forget what poverty and hatred can do when you see its scars on the hopeful face of a young child.. Lyndon Johnson

*****After the Rob Porter mess Priebus and other flunkies were on the Sunday shows. The kiss ass idiots said a lot of’ I don’t knows’ and ‘from my point of views’. Why were they even on when they have no info? We heard a lot of, ‘I’d never heard of that’ and ‘I didn’t know who he was.’ These selfish, stupid men tripping over their words who seem so afraid of Trump. White men at the top of the food chain and they are not happy with that. They are bitter and mean. Men put in prominent positions who know nothing.. well done WH. I ask again, what does he have on these people?** But why was Porter and at least a hundred others still working with sensitive material without clearance? ** David Axelrod made a good point saying, “Everyone thought John Kelly would rub off on Trump but Trump has rubbed off on Kelly.” Or perhaps he mused, that we are finding out who these people really are. ** It seems they all think they are so smart and they are the first to ever be in the WH. There are others who know how this all works and it is good they call them on it, even though it isn’t nearly often enough.** Chris Wray contradicts the WH on the timeline of the Rob Porter investigation. The FBI tells us that their work was completed in July and new info was sent in January which closed things down. The President can clear anyone he wants so he can disregard that info. The WH keeps telling us this is all normal but other administrations disagree. The Obama team did top assistance clearance 6 months in advance. ** Jared Kushner was stripped of his high level security clearance. About 3 dozen others are in jeopardy as well.

*****Hope Hicks is out!** Josh Raffel is out!

*****Melania’s parents have just become US citizens, part of the migration plan that Trump wants to kill.** Melania made a nice speech in the East room of the WH on the 26th. Why is there nothing in the news feed about that? OK it is funny that she wants to stop the negative social media with what we see from the hubby on a daily basis. But she did address the opiod crisis and encouraged the kids from the school shooting to speak up. Well done!

*****Jessica Ford has made yet another attempt to gain access to the White House. She was charged with possession of a gun which I guess they don’t like? She sure wants to make herself known in Washington.

*****The children who were rescued from the notoriously evil parents recently were each given a guitar from Fender.

*****A judge has sided with John Oliver and HBO after they were sued by Robert Murray. Murray, a coal exec was told by the West Virginia state court that the humorous jabs were satire and the other statements were based on judicial opinion and government reports.

*****Red Fawn Farris took a plea deal from charges related to Standing Rock. She pled guilty to civil disorder and possession of a firearm by a convicted felon. Sentencing will sometime after April.

*****I wonder if any journalists are trying to get interviews with the first lady? I would like to hear what she has to say.

***** Steve Martin and Martin Short: An evening you will forget for the rest of your life is coming to Netflix. Their tour continues and this night was taped in South Carolina.

***** The WH revolving door continues: Rob Porter out.. Rachel Brand out.. David Sorenson out..

***** Word is spreading that law enforcement is identifying some citizens as ‘black identity extremists’ which gives police license to monitor protestors. Just when the public calls out harsh treatment, they find another way in.

*****Can we all promise to never use the phrase ‘nothing burger’ ever again?

*****Putin is reportedly so happy with all the mess he has caused in this country. With no sanctions being imposed, Turkey and China are now getting in the ‘fuck with the US elections’ game.** 13 Russians have been indicted and no Americans , so far, were involved. The operatives were supposed to do anything they could to hurt Hillary. It shows you how scared Russia was of her. So far, it looks like Trump campaigners helped unwittingly. ** Russia is now putting pro gun messages out there to add chaos to the Florida shooting.** Dozens of Russians were at the National prayer breakfast. Really? We need a unified Russian strategy. The elections are closer every day. Trump just keeps acting like a cult leader and making it all about him. Children are dead and he just keeps tweeting his ‘innocence’ in the Russian investigation. ** The History channel is taking on Putin with a new special, America’s biggest threat: Vladimir Putin**Alex Van Der Zwann, a lawyer who was part of a Ukranian ministry has been indicted for false statements to the FBI.**Top Trump aide Rick Gates has pled guilty to secret foreign lobbying, lying to the FBI and helping Manafort cheat on his taxes. It seems he committed another crime as he was making the deal!** Admiral Mike Rogers says they are not doing enough to stop the sustained aggression of Russia and he does not know why. Scary Clown says he is weighing several options.

*****No wonder so many put up with the way the WH tries to ‘handle’ us. Fox , the NRA and much of the conservative movement has been grooming us for generations. They aren’t all as honorable as John McCain. Many churches spoon feed their congregations what they want them to believe, how they want them to vote. The term’ fake news’ fits right in with all this. Stand up and investigate on your own, don’t just BELIEVE anyone!

*****Just when I start to get used to Meghan McCain, she is on camera rolling her eyes at the raw emotion of the kids and parents in the town hall meeting. ** The rumor is that Joy and Meghan fight a lot behind the scenes. I am not there but I think they probably get it out onstage. What is it about some conservatives that they seem to have such a problem with peace, love and compromise?

***** A complaint from whistleblower Helen Foster says that Cindy Carson, Ben’s wife pressured officials for big money to redecorate. $31,000 of taxpayer money was spent on a dining room set for Ben’s office. Federal law requires congressional approval to furnish or redecorate if costs exceed 5 thousand bucks. When Foster refused to comply she was demoted and transferred. The Department of housing and urban development has cut money for the homeless, the elderly and the poor.

*****Thank goodness for the Carl Reiners and the Ian Stewarts of the world who brought us wonderful art. They put their egos in check and approached things different than they had originally intended. The world needs more of this.

*****Wal Mart is really such a terrible place. I am much happier since I no longer give them money. I should have listened to my friends and done it a long time ago. Sometimes it has to hit me right in the face for me to see it.

***** One has to wonder if Rosenstein et al like it when Trumps doings shines a spotlight on them.

*****Andy Richter came thru his knee surgery ok.

*****So happy for The Philadelphia Eagles but what the fuck is the matter with those fans? With celebrations like that and all the injuries, it might be good to see the end of football that has been predicted.** It did seem a strange choice to me to have Justin Timberlake sing. Why not some diversity? Some other kinds of music genres? I mean.. boring!!

*****The Dow had its biggest 1 day drop ever. People have started to worry about inflation.

*****Jim Carrey is urging others to do dump Facebook stock and delete accounts. He called the Trump presidency a botched Russian black op.

*****Check out the committee to investigate Russia online. Rob Reiner is on the advisory board talking to John Brennan and James Clapper.

***** Bastille day? Really? Our dictator wants a North Korean military style parade? Is he fucking kidding? How many homeless vets could be helped with the millions it would take to give him this parade?

*****A new HBO doc, Elvis Presley: The Searcher is coming. Director Thorn Zimmy had complete access to Graceland archives. The score is from Pearl Jam’s Mike McCready and includes some deep cuts and alternate mixes.

*****Tribeca’s opening night will premiere a Gilda Radner doc: Love, Gilda.

*****Lenny Dykstra, a former buddy of Charlie sheen claims that Sheen is about to be brought down by the Feds. A Former inmate and Mets and Phillies team member, Dykstra is looking to make a documentary so some see an ulterior motive in talking. The charges he leveled were Sheens involvement in a murder, beating his pregnant x-wife, tax and wire fraud and knowingly spreading HIV. Lenny himself has been accused of being a racist and homophobe as well as indecent exposure, sexual assault and grand theft auto.

*****CNN’s The Radical story of patty Hearst is great. This is a story which will never go away and this is full of all the flashpoints. I am a bit sickened to listen to Bill Harris tell his story. He acts like he telling some cool story from a high school party or something as he tells of his role in the kidnapping and brainwashing of a woman. He looks so comfy and satisfied with himself.

*****Sam Waterston was back on law and Order SVU as Jack McCoy!!

*****Gerber chose Lucas Warren, the first down syndrome child ever picked as their spokesbaby.

*****Why was a tiny little company hired by FEMA to deliver meals? The 50 million needed in Peurto Rico were suddenly reduced to 50 thousand. They claimed nobody missed a meal.

*****It may have started in Florida with the Marlins but in baseball spring training all the teams will wear Stoneman Douglas caps. Some of the major leaguers graduated from there. They will sign them and sell them to aid the victims.

*****So Jeff Sessions has taken back Obama’s memo that allows Native American nations all the same rights as legal Marijuana states to go into the weed biz. They are shutting them down one by one. The state of California is no help by locking tribes out of the market. How many times do you think this country has to kick our native brothers and sisters in the head? How much longer will we torture these people?

*****Kathy Griffin has done the pixie cut in support of her sister who died of cancer in September. Kathy says: “When you’re a woman, you get one fuck up and Its all over.”

*****The Berlin International film fest gave the top prize, the golden bear to Touch Me Not. Best director went to Wes Anderson for Isle of Dogs, best actor went to Anthony Bajon and best actress to Ana Brun.

*****Days alert: Ok.. Days, I do wish all soaps could be a bit more original than one night stands that produce babies and then the origin of said baby is hidden. I wish people did not always come back from the dead or good characters didn’t suddenly act evil when they could have told family and friends they were being blackmailed and got their help. OK that said and suspending disbelief we watch Days anyway cuz it is great. Anna is back and I hope they keep her around. I am so glad Eric and Jen found each other again. Please someone kill Stefan. MORE LUCAS! Let’s get the Raif/Hope/ Sami thing resolved so they can move on. When did Kerry get so hateful? And Eli should apologize to his Mother since he is going to lie to his child and for much lamer reasons than she did.** Where the fuck is Adrienne?** Nice call back as Stefan was reading the Kimberly Brady Donovan book about split personalities.

*****R.I.P. Dennis Edwards, Louis Zorich, Christopher Cattrall, John Mahoney, victims of the Taiwan quake, victims of the Florida shooting, Reg E. Cathey, Johann Johannsson, Asma Jahangir, Sue Barton, Levone Bennett Jr., Jim Downing, Nanette Fabray, the victims in Syria, Sridevi, Emma Chambers and Benjamin Melniker.

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