#Like I said in that post I made awhile ago it's very easy for a studio to slide into a bad/too casual relationship with fans

[chronurgy]

Okay seriously when has a game dev tweeting EVER improved the situation

[autumnslance]

I have a question! How do you get over a fear of writing and creating a character? I try to write but I start feeling anxious. My brain doesn’t want to come up with anything. Even trying to imagine a character in another series causes the anxiety. I know I should stop but I don’t like the idea of stopping as I feel like I’m failing.

Is it the creation, or the potentially sharing with others, that's actually scary? Is it what others may say? Is it feeling like what you might come up with isn't "good enough" in some way? Is it fear of a self-insert, or of being derivative? Feeling like you have to create characters and stories to be in fandom, rather than wanting to create for the sake of it?

A lot of times, it's our fear of how others might react or think that stops us. We're afraid of looking dumb, or oblivious, or otherwise Incorrect in some way, and that we'll be ridiculed or scorned for it. We're taught to fear failure and the judgment we think comes with it.

It's easy to say "kill the cop in your head" and "screw what others think, create for yourself" but it IS hard, if it's a point we want to even get to for ourselves.

So figure out what part of the process actually is scary. I guarantee it's not actually "all of it!" There's at least a ranking of "scariest" to "least scary but still nerve-wracking". Once named and acknowledged, and broken down, it's a little easier to tackle.

I made up stories and characters in my own head for years before I ever shared them with anyone. A teacher singling out my and another student's stories as meeting the mark of an assignment in completely opposite ways helped. Screwing up the courage to post to my high school's nascent lit journal was hard.

I was terrified. I was one of the weird kids constantly bullied or ignored. If people knew who I was, they didn't like me cuz I was awkward and unsociable. But I wanted to write, and adults I trusted who read the few things I actually turned in told me I was decent at it, so I did it scared anyway.

And nothing bad happened. Some folks thought my stories were OK. If they said anything at all.

It took me several years before I was able to post anything online. Some was access. Some was fear. Some was feeling like I didn't have characters or stories to share. I got into roleplay, online and in person. My characters were...well, LynMars, my usual handle, is from a Vampire LARP character I played over 20 years ago, and made a lot of baby roleplayer mistakes on. I did her dirty in many ways. She wasn't a good character. Had a basic screwed up backstory but no real goals or plans. I played her for a few years and learned a lot from her, and so she's stuck with me as a reminder.

Several of my characters from those days weren't great; unimaginative, derivative, some very much "wow I did not know better back then..." But...we had stupid goofy RP fun anyway, learned from those characters and each other, tried new things. Sometimes they worked. Sometimes they didn't. A lot of times it was nerve-wracking.

There's a lot I write that I don't post. Some because it isn't ready yet. Some because I'm not ready and don't know that I ever will be. It's scary. And some of that is the bully still in my head, and I know it, and some days that's easier to deal with than others. Some days I can tell the bully to screw off. Sometimes I keep those stories private, I tell myself as indulgences.

I give myself the grace to fail, and remind myself that doing it scared anyway is where many of us live every day.

Anxiety sucks. Even with meds and therapy, it doesn't entirely go away. Figuring out how to work around it, or through it, or even wrangle it into submission and work for oneself, is tricky and individual. But it doesn't own or define you and your creativity.

Start small. Start simple. Start for yourself and don't worry about sharing it yet. If making up a new character is hard, find a favorite canon character, marinate and rotate that blorbo in your brain awhile, then file the serial numbers off as you imagine them in What Ifs and AUs. Share only if and when you're ready, if it's a thing you want to actually do.

And you may not. You don't have to create anything to be part of fandom. You don't have to have OCs with full backstories and planned futures. You don't have to write or draw or screenshot stories. You can just vibe.

Find why you want/need to create. How much it means to you. Isolate what parts of creation and/or sharing are so scary. Figure out if it's something you personally truly want or need. Then you'll be able to chart your path forward, one way or another.

[happymetalgirl]

Listening to Problematic Bands

This is a segment taken from my Lingua Ignota review awhile ago that focuses on the aforementioned topic, and I figured I would give its own separate post. I made a few edits to make it more generally applicable and of course a few additional thoughts. It’s an interesting topic of discourse with a lot of facets and it’s certainly not going away any time soon.

The problematic artist discourse is complicated, I get it; I don't have a golden bullet answer to it. But somehow in all the discourse I've seen about being responsible and not supporting problematic artists and not enabling shitty behavior, I haven't seen anyone acknowledge the obvious elephant in the room, which is that fans don't want to be punished for something they didn't do.

As listeners, watchers, readers, viewers, enjoyers of art, we all (should) go into enjoying any piece of art with the understanding that, no matter how authentic they may come off in their music or their public appearance, we never fully know the artist. We can't know with complete certainty who of them might be up to some unsavory shit behind closed doors, even the edgy ones, some of whom genuinely do keep their antics on the stage and in the studio. And often the art we enjoy does indeed stand so far away from the artist that we don't think about the artist at all (think: lo-fi hip hop beats to study/relax to). And then there are some (think: asshole Mark Kozelek and his dumb boomer podcast ramblings that he calls "songs") who really put themselves as a person into their art. A little harder to dissociate that kind of shit.

I agree with minimizing support for artists doing bad shit on the basis of it possibly discouraging such behavior from others and it consequentially pressuring them to change, but that can be surprisingly hard to go absolute zero on and draw a line on. Does it stop at the band? Does it stop at the label? Does it stop at side projects? Does it stop at collaborators who haven't come out and said anything? But just because there's no agreed-upon line does not mean that we should just shrug our shoulders and say "well what can you do?" Ultimately, as an individual, the answer to that is pretty much nothing, but somehow you add up enough individuals and you can start to get some good change if you all know that better things are possible and expectable. Maybe you don't all agree exactly how much more you deserve but you sure as hell know it's more than that shit boss is paying you all. Maybe we don't know exactly where we draw that "problematic artist" line, but we know the behavior Hayter described of Alexis Marshall is far beyond wherever we draw it. Being attentive as a listener, however casual or invested, is not about being a paranoid hyperreactive sentinel around artists and trying to have a power trip on people you have little individual power over, and it's certainly not about policing individual fans into not listening to their Antichrist Superstar CD or whatever. Again, I get that vile behavior makes some artists immediately more repulsive and easy to let go of at the drop of a hat, and it's easier for some to drop band they've listened to forever than others. And then I think of my favorite band, Meshuggah.

I listen to Meshuggah more than anything else probably. And to my knowledge they don't have any accusers or hold any racist beliefs or anything of the like, but they could. And as much as I imagine it would very likely taint my listening to their music if everything I hypothetically proposed was in fact true for them, I have a hard time imagining not listening to them. How I listen to music has been so irreversibly shaped by Meshuggah, I tap the iconic rhythm of "Bleed" with my fingers on every surface around me without even thinking about it, and I hear Meshuggah in the thousands of bands they've influenced. I snuck Meshuggah into my wedding playlist. It's honestly hard to think about what my music-loving life would look like without Meshuggah, and in some ways it feels impossible, and for me (and probably most Meshuggah fans) it has never been about Jens or Fredrick or Martin or Tomas or Dick. And it doesn't seem like it's ever been about them to themselves either. So I get it for fans who feel torn between their love for the music and their feeling betrayed or that it's been tainted by the very artist that made it.

The whole "separate the art from the artist" cliché tends to be invoked pretty superficially and left at that as just an excuse to not think critically about listening and supporting choices. There is validity to our ability to compartmentalize the two, but viewing art in a vacuum where the artist doesn't exist is reductive, and choosing to only assess art though that lens because grappling with the complicated, dicey, or uncomfortable context surrounding an artist and their art is and lazy and cowardly.

-

When the Me Too movement kicked off, revealing the extensive abuse of power that went on often in plain sight did really shock the system of music and film, but it also came as no surprise that there were a significant number of power-tripping rapists and abusers within the upper echelons of politics and entertainment. Abusable power and influence tends to draw people that want that power at least partly for the sake of abusing it. My initial (naïve) expectation that Me Too would open up the festering abscess of well-connected, powerful abusers and allow them to be drained from the positions they abused. I expected it to be a tumultuous process, for the industry and for fans; it is definitely hard to grapple with a series of revelations of artists you might have liked to be revealed as horrible people behind the scenes. I can only imagine how pop punk fans feel. But I expected it to be relatively quick, like amputating a gangrenous digit.

Unfortunately, nearly a decade later, musicians, actors, producers, etc. are still being revealed for what they truly are, and it's evident that sexual abuse within the arts and entertainment is not a matter of one rotten digit but rather a sepsis that requires intense systemic treatment to fully cure. I don't think it's as much of a matter of abuse-hungry monsters being drawn to positions of power the way the U.S. police systematically attracts and grooms pathologic liars and untreated anger management cases. I think that's part of it, and I think power can definitely corrupt too. But ultimately, I think the extent of abuse is due largely to the attitudes endemic to the broader culture and (un)consciously accepted as normal that surround sex, consent, and abuse that still frame absolutely pathologic behaviors, manipulations, and violations of consent as natural methods of pursuit. It's also the general social framing of sex as a pursuit by one sex and avoidance by the other that perpetuates this, but that's too much of a tangent to go off on.

Obviously, sexual abuse by band members is not the only route for bands to be problematic. Metal is an old enough genre for its once rebellious and transgressive Gen X and even boomer pioneers to now be the out-of-touch pearl-clutchers putting their feet in their mouths and unwilling to learn where they don't understand in favor of reactionary stagnation and decay. We also have no shortage of outright racists and neo-Nazis, some of whom are just too beloved for the culture at large to reckon with, which (for lack of a more resonant term) seems pretty cucked to me. Like, we're worried about reckoning with the racism of so many of the big figureheads in the genre because, what? Metal is dependent on them? You can't let go of Phil Anselmo? We can't imagine that if Peter Steele were still alive his legacy of goth metal pioneering could be tainted by some kind of anti-vax-jizz-is-better nutjob winging about cancel culture if not outright commitment to the iffy Nazi bits he teased in his music? That's fucking weak? Metal as a genre culture looks fucking pathetic clinging onto these toxic idols like we can't do better. The people that whine about "cancel culture run amok" don't care about metal's culture surviving; they've listened to the same shit for 30 years and don't want to feel bad about being uncritical of the metal comfort food from their teens that they still consume. Part of maintaining the health of a culture is having the guts to be critical and recognize when toxicity from toxic people needs to be addressed for what it is, even if those toxic people are legends, even if that legendary band's legacy becoming sour in retrospect is hard to think about.

[kjack89]

Hey I just wanted to say thank you- I was pretty active in the les mis fandom a while back, and you really influenced me into being an active member of fandom; and how important it is too comment on things, and really engage with fandom creators. I've moved onto diffrent fandoms, but I've carried that with me, and no matter where I go, I've found it so easy to become friends with other writers, and like how much joy you can bring someone by commenting on their work, and how easy it is to make fandom a collaborative, inviting space instead of a toxic adversarial one. I never would have gotten over my anxiety about talking to people if not for some very well worded posts you made in like 2016.

So. Thank you <3

I’ve been holding on to this ask for awhile, mainly because it makes my heart happy and I didn’t want it to get lost in the depths of my blog, but also because I wanted to reflect on it a little bit.

See, today is my 10th anniversary of the first Les Mis fic I published AO3 (giveaway post to celebrate coming this evening), and needless to say I’ve been reflecting on the last 10 years of writing and what it’s meant to me (and what I hope it’s meant to others!).

And as much as I love the love I get from folks for my writing, I also am consistently overwhelmed by the folks who have told me how much the things I’ve said about fandom, or being a creator, or constructive criticism, etc., have meant to them. As far as legacies go, that is certainly not one I ever intended (though to be fair if 10 years ago you’d have told me I’d still be here, still doing this, I also would’ve thought you were nuts, so), but it’s also something I’m really proud of. If I can spread even a little bit of positivity, it makes everything else that goes into writing that much more worth it.

So thank you @kowlsy!! Obviously I’m a little sad you’ve moved on, but I’m so insanely gratified that you took the time to send me this, and that a few well-worded posts from like 2016 have had a lasting impact <3

And as far as legacies go…

After 10 years, this one ain’t too bad either.

[vacantgodling]

I'm so sorry if you've talked about this part in Cage already (just lmk and I'll go find the post if there's one). But I think about Hanzo's intro in your fic almost daily. The cake. Cole's disbelief and confusion. The hostile banter between the two of them. Just how well you write characters and how easy it is to get invested in the stories you tell in general.

Uhhhh...oh, right. What inspired that whole scene? Was it something from the game itself? A reference? Just something awesome you imagined that would be sure to leave an impression?

--@ceph-the-ghost-writer

CAGE ASK CAGE ASK!!!!

i’m hype i never thought i would see this day 🥹 firstly, thank you for your super kind words it really means the world to me that you would even give cage a read without being as hyper invested in ovw as i am LOL. that being said i’ve come to realize that i reeeeally love writing thinly veiled hostility (thanks amon & hya) and how the SMALLEST shred of internal willpower is the only thing keeping people from lashing out. TENSION it’s so deliciously fun to write—

BUT to answer your question it’s actually a little bit of column a, a little bit of column b. so, many many moons ago, blizz released a christmas comic kind of showcasing what many of the og characters do during christmas and there is a panel with hanzo looking at a christmas cake in japan.

christmas cake is a Thing in japan, it’s literally a special cake solely for christmas time and that (along with eating fried chicken from KFC, seriously people order christmas dinner months in advance from it) is kinda how the western idea of christmas got integrated into japanese society lol. now, it’s very possible that hanzo is only getting the cake because it’s christmas however, as a fan base people kind of ran with the idea that hanzo likes sweets. they could’ve just as easily had him going to get fried chicken which is Also apart of japanese christmas tradition, and up until that point lore for hanzo was So Goddamn Sparse that seeing him get cake was actually very… interesting, yknow? so, at least for me this tiny panel evolved into the idea that hanzo has a big sweet tooth because it says a lot about how he craves being cared for (sugar is sweet, so, he wants to be treated sweetly) and to be allowed to indulge (because as the eldest, growing up he was raised more strictly — which is canon fact he and genji have a lot of voice lines about it, and i imagine sneaking off to have sugar or sweet treats of some kind every once and awhile was the only real rebellion he was able to have) and i guess in some ways i want to illustrate a juxtaposition with his character Immediately to the audience.

like let’s say this was a novel on its own and you have no context to overwatch: you spend the first chapter with cole and genji yelling at each other about hanzo is or isn’t a monster, how he “killed” genji or injured him so badly that most of his entire body is made up of cybernetics and despite it all genji wants to forgive him. by showing hanzo upfront doing something absurd (sitting on a plane wing and eating CAKE of all things) it communicates to you that there is something… off about him, at least when it comes to cole’s knowledge and interpretation of him (since we’re in his pov).

it’s a nod to people who like overwatch and love hanzo liking sweets bc we are constantly starving for hanzo content so that sweets-loving fact is highly regarded.

but also, subconsciously i feel like it harks back to the idea of what truly “evil” person likes sweets? there’s an association with sweets of innocence, of yknow obviously sweetness, but i find that most people find sweets (subconsciously) to be disarming. what does it say when a dangerous killer like hanzo who you’re “supposed” to dislike, likes sweets? it throws you off and that’s one of the many things that throws cole off!

one of the things about the whole “oh the curtains are just blue” discourse is always the idea of what if they’re just blue and sure that could be true, but there’s usually a subconscious reasoning why writers describe things the way they do even if they don’t “mean” to impart that idea into something. very easily i could’ve had hanzo eating cake just as a nod to the comic panel but i like to think a lot of the times i’m quite Aware of why i’m describing things as they are: hanzo eating cake shows that he craves affection and understanding, but him sitting high off the ground and putting physical distance between himself and the rest of overwatch is literally showing how he puts a barrier between himself and what he craves. in a lot of the first chapters you’ll notice that i tend to put hanzo up high, and as the story progressing he starts staying closer and closer to the ground. YES this is a nod to his canon-in game-wall climb ability but it’s also a showcase of him literally closing the physical and mental distance between himself and the members of overwatch. allowing them closer and closer and trying to distance himself less.

sorry this is a whole rant and a half LMAO but i think very muchly about the mechanics of what i’m writing and why i’m showing certain things so thank you again for letting me impart some of my process on you lol :’)

[idkwhatimdoingbutslay]

Okay so I’m frustrated.

Nothing serious, just more Arcane discourse lol.

I’ve said before in my “anti caitvi” post that i made awhile ago that I find it very frustrating when people look at Caitlyn Kiramman and immediately go “I don’t like her” without a second thought.

It’s frustrating that Caitlyn can not at all be nuanced because some people just simply don’t want her to be.

It’s unfair and discrediting.

Don’t get me wrong, Caitlyn has messed up, said and done the wrong things (ex. The “bodies in the basement” comment, defending Piltover while arguing with Ekko), but the thing about Caitlyn is that she doesn’t do those things out of malice, but simply out of ignorance.

I get being frustrated with someone’s lack of awareness and wishing they just “got” it, but that’s just unrealistic.

The arc her starting to get it. What else could cou possibly want?

And the other thing???? She’s actively trying to change!

That’s her whole motive.

That’s all she wants.

She WANTS to make a difference and change Piltover for the better.

Some people will look at Caitlyn and go “I hate her cuz she’s a cop 👎🏽” then ignore her breaking the law for (arguably) the greater good.

Maybe that wasn’t her motive in the beginning (i.e. Just wanting to figure out who’s behind the crimes that no one seems to be investigating [though that still seems to be the greater good to me]). Maybe at that point, she didn’t know what she was doing was the right thing.

But once things started clicking, she tried her best to catch up.

Caitlyn wanted to fight. Caitlyn wanted to progress. Caitlyn wanted to make things better.

But too often she’s reduced to “Piltie cop.”

Don’t get me wrong, I totally understand disliking cops. But this seems to be so much more than that.

Caitlyn isn’t a cop to show people that “some cops are good,” she’s a cop to show people that “some cops are stupid and naive before they can fully embrace their privilege and worst traits.”

Caitlyn could have fallen and let herself be trapped under Marcus thumb, get herself on the payroll, start embracing the easy life (i.e. her getting fired and Jayce offering her a job where she could live behind a desk), but she didn’t do any of that.

She disobeyed everyone she was supposed to blindly follow and began to do what she thought was right.

What so many before her failed to do.

Caitlyn became a cop under false and unrealistic expectations, but once the issues and corruption started to look her right in the eye and she couldn’t ignore it, she didn’t.

Even if it went against everything she knew, everything she was taught, she still let herself be educated. Let herself learn.

Yes, cops are bad. Yes, Caitlyn’s naivety and privilege can be frustrating at times.

But these things aren’t all of what she is.

She’s someone who so desperately wants her own agency. To finally mess with Piltover’s stagnancy.

Even when the council completely shut her and Vi down, she was ready to go back and keep fighting (i.e. the Oil and Water scene).

Caitlyn isn’t just her privilege, Caitlyn is the little girl who so badly wants to break out of her mold and make a difference. Show people (Piltover) that she can be better, that she can be more, and that they can too.

She’s the young woman who goes out of her way to investigate, even when heavily advised not to, because that’s what she believes is the right thing to do.

She’s the woman who refuses to turn a blind eye and be complacent.

She’s the woman who’s (arguably) going to be at the head of Piltover’s reform.

Not because she’s a selfish, rotten cop, or because she’ll eventually become a corrupt Sheriff, but because she’s her own person with fears and dreams and questions.

All of Caitlyn’s development is her trying to claw her way out of the right grip Piltover, her parents, Jayce and Marcus all have on her.

Certain people are upset about who Caitlyn is now constantly trying not to be and I just find that frustrating because it, once again, strips her of her agency. Of her choice to be better.

Caitlyn’s naivety doesn’t make her evil, it makes her due for a change.

And changing is all she’s been doing so far.

So why do some of us still try to put her back in the Piltie category when that’s where we all collectively don’t want her to be?

We want her to be better, right? So let’s let the progress happen. It won’t be linear, but it also won’t be nothing.

[aajjks]

TPOL!JK

“phew, mom, i’m home!!“ you yell while hanging your stuff up in the closet and kicking your shoes off at the door. work, yes, work was exhausting and there’s nothing like your mom’s home cooking to make you feel better after another long 12 hour shift.

its been exactly 2 months since you last left korea and moved to switzerland with your mother. you struggled to make ends meet for awhile and tried to keep a low profile when it came to completing your schooling. you did an easy program that allowed your credits to transfer so you could graduate with your masters, got licensed, and immediately began applying for jobs.

one week later, you got a job and began working hard to catch up on the bills and even pay for your mother’s healthcare which wasn’t expensive at all. you both live in a fairly small home but it’s a home nevertheless and your mother loves it here. she even made a friend named lola who lives next door.

although you take the train, you’re working on buying a car so you can just drive your mother around and in a year, you do just that. you buy yourself a gray honda sedan and improved on your german even though you’re still working on it. everything was going well, perfect even.

no jungkook, no crazy ass daddy issues, and you secretly flew yerin in every now and again to hang out. she informed you that jungkook asked her about you and is presumably dating a girl named tina hwang.

when you google search his name, he’s posted with this so-called tina everywhere. charity events, fashion shows, and other expensive gatherings that praise the two for looking lovely together. his stocks sky rocketed as well, so it’s safe to say he’s doing good and so are you.

you’re healthy, you’re working a sufficient job that provides for both you and your mother, and you even got a cane corso named mochi.

“so, you ARE coming to my birthday party, right y/n?”

“yes, yes” you giggle “i will be there”

and after 7 long months, you return back home for yerin’s birthday week. you stay at a hotel in seoul and keep in contact with your mom and your baby boy mochi. your mother informs you to be very careful and you know why.

the first two days, you, yerin, and hyuna go clubbing, eat out and have a lot of fun. you all drink, laugh, and reminisce on the good old days. however, jungkook gets a picture from his “friend” that shows you. outside. back in korea. your hair is a lot shorter and you look happier. you even look a bit curvier too.

you’re wearing a skintight dress he would NEVER approve of and there’s a crescent moon tattoo behind your ear with little stars. you look beautiful and he gets this urge to see you. he HAS to. at least one last time.

and so the next morning, you’re sitting by yourself at a coffee shop with your laptop typing away. you drink your coffee, eat your blueberry muffin, and read text messages from yerin who’s teasing you about working despite having a week off.

your smile is immediately turned to a frown when someone asks if they could sit with you. a familiar someone who you knew would show their face to you sooner or later.

“thought you said i’d never hear from you again if i walked out?”

“I don’t even know what I’m doing here.” Oh hearing your voice was the best thing ever. And if it’s possible, you’re even more beautiful now.

He takes time to look at your face, but you’re not even looking at him you’re just busy typing away at your laptop, Jungkook isn’t sure what he’s doing here he just had to see you. It is so pathetic he knows.

It is so pathetic how he is still not over you despite you guys ending it eight months ago. He sits right across you. “I just wanted to see your face.” He coughs out.

Oh, how is he going to be able to keep his composure when he’s seeing you after so long?

“I guess I do deserve the cold treatment you’re giving me.” he speaks once again but you don’t respond. It’s like he’s talking to a wall.

“I cannot believe that you moved away.” He says tone, a little, taunting. “so tell me how’s life in Switzerland yn?” He cannot take his eyes off a few and he sure that you noticed that.

He Scratches his neck, right where your name is tattooed.

He still has that tattoo. “why are you back?”

[the-savage-garden]

Nitpicking ACOWAR Ch 10 +11

I meant to post this awhile ago but I recently returned to the One Piece train that I forgot about this whole thing, oops. I finally figured out how to do the 'keep reading' thing though!

Chapter 10

-Somehow Brannagh is cradling Ianthe now?

-”I let my mask drop.” I hate the mask theme, just the way it’s thrown around bothers me.

-”...noting the flanking positions they were too casually establishing around me.” Now I’m confused about where Brannagh is supposed to be.

-[“What could be more important than assisting us? You are, after all, sworn to assist our king.” Time—biding their time until Tamlin returned from hunting with Jurian.] I hate how the book decided that Tamlin is with Hybern, it’s not built up to him being on their side at all. It’s written like it’s an assured thing now.

-Lucien notices things. What’s the point of this?

-“I am a free person, allowed to go where and when I will it.” “Are you?” Brannagh is asking a question I want to know. Like, is Feyre really free to do what she wants in this book series? Everyone tells her what to do all the time, even Rhys. The only thing Feyre has actually chosen is to go back to Spring and have her revenge on Tamlin (even though Tamlin legitimately thought she was in danger and it’s not been brought up even once).

-“Such careful plotting these weeks, such skilled maneuvering. You didn’t seem to worry that we’d be doing the same.” I was honestly really confused why Feyre was just ignoring the twins so much, her priorities made no sense to me.

-”They weren’t letting Lucien leave this clearing alive. Or at least with his mind intact.” Why do they care about Lucien? He hasn’t been against them, for all they know only Feyre sent the Bogge after them.

-”...understanding that there was no way they’d reveal this without knowing they’d get away with it.“ But everyone knows that Hybern is evil, how would anyone be surprised by this? Even Tamlin thinks they’re the bad guys! Do the twins not know? There has been no indication that anyone from Hybern is good.

-[“Take the Spring Court,” I said, and meant it. “It’s going to fall one way or another.” Lucien snarled. I ignored him.] Even Lucien here still cares for Spring.

-[“Oh, we intend to,” Brannagh said…] It was very clear that Hybern was going to take down Spring, I don’t know why the book doesn’t let Tamlin see it.

-”I thumbed free two of the Illyrian fighting knives.” Is this the only reason Feyre stole the weapons from Tamlin, to use them in this fight? Ugh.

-“Haven’t you wondered at the headaches? How things seem a little muffled on certain mental bonds?” This is the explanation? I thought it was because Feyre is still new to her powers, this is disappointing.

-”Crushed faebane stone, ground so fine you couldn’t see or scent or taste it in your food.” Can you even smell or taste faebane?

-“We’ve been daemati for a thousand years, girl,” Dagdan sneered. “But we didn’t even need to slip into her mind to get her to do our bidding. But you … what a valiant effort you put up, trying to shield them all from us.” The book makes this too convenient, Feyre knew they were daemati but was naive enough to believe they wouldn’t do anything against her? I know she’s young but seriously?

-”Dagdan’s mind speared for Lucien’s, a dark arrow shot between them.” Weird way to describe their magic, I don’t even know what I’m supposed to imagine with mind powers.

-“What apple,” I bit out. “The one you shoved down your throat an hour ago,” Brannagh said. “Grown and tended in the king’s personal garden, fed a steady diet of water laced with faebane. Enough to knock out your powers for a few days straight, no shackles required. And here you are, thinking no one had noticed you planned to vanish today.” She clicked her tongue again. “Our uncle would be most displeased if we allowed that to happen.” What did I just read? I hate how easy things are. Also, wait, an apple tree was given faebane and it somehow makes the apples have it too?

-”...but then I’d abandon Lucien to them if he somehow couldn’t manage to himself with the faebane in his system from the food at the camp—” What kind of leap in logic is this? All the food at camp was laced with faebane too? So wouldn’t Tamlin be under the effects of it too?

-”Leave him. I should and could leave him. “ Was this why their supposed friendship was brought up so much? To add drama to this moment?

“I made my choice.” ACOMAF made me hate the whole “my choice” thing and being reminded of it is giving me trauma.

-”And even a thousand years wasn’t enough for Dagdan to adequately prepare as I winnowed in front of him and struck.” Feyre went from being out of her depth to competent real fast.

-”I sliced through the front of his leather armor, not deep enough to kill, and as steel snagged on its plates…” Is it leather armor or not? Because plates refer to metal armor I’m pretty sure.

-”...months of Cassian’s brutal training clicked into place as I kept my feet under me.” This makes it obvious how inexperienced Feyre is but somehow she’s able to go toe-to-toe with a Hybern prince and commander? She also has faebane in her system, she should be struggling more in this fight.

-”I had the vague sense of Lucien gaping, even Brannagh taken aback by my show of skill against her brother.” I’m losing my mind.

-”Buying time. Wearing me down until my body fully absorbed that apple and its power rendered me nearly mortal.” Earlier when Feyre shielded Lucien she struggled but now the book is saying that she hasn’t fully absorbed the faebane? But they’ve been giving her faebane since their stay? Make up your mind.

-”Brannagh screamed as a wall of flame slammed into her.” Apparently Feyre did this and not Lucien?

-”Her focus wholly on me, on taking from me the beauty I’d burned from her…” Why is everything so focused on losing beauty? Someone’s vain…

-”Until Lucien’s sword refracted the light of the sun leaking through the canopy.” It’s day? This whole thing is happening in broad daylight? How has no one noticed this?

-”A tremor shuddered through the clearing—like some thread between the twins had been snipped as Brannagh’s dark head thudded onto the grass.” Wait, is this supposed to imply that the twins are soulmates? What the hell? I thought soulmates in this world are supposed to be making powerful offspring but if they’re related doesn’t that defeat the purpose?

-”I let him fall atop his sister, the thud of flesh on flesh the only sound.” Ew, why’d you put focus on that?

-”I merely looked at Ianthe, my power guttering, a hideous ache building in my gut, and made my last command, amending my earlier ones.” I forgot Ianthe was still here. Also faebane seems kind of useless since Feyre can still do this.

-“You tell them I killed them. In self-defense. After they hurt me so badly while you and Tamlin did nothing. Even when they torture you for the truth, you say that I fled after I killed them—to save this court from their horrors.” I want to keep this in mind for the future.

-Lucien says he wants to go with Feyre to the Night Court. But, like, the only reason he does is obviously because of Elain and not for any other reason.

-”I just gritted my teeth against the sharp pain in my abdomen…” Faebane apparently makes the abdomen hurt if it’s consumed.

-”Blood coated the inside of my mouth by the time we reached the foothills hours later. I was panting, my head throbbing, my stomach a twisting knot of aching.” The other effects of consuming faebane.

-“It’s—gone,” he said, gasping for breath. “My magic—not an ember. They must have dosed all of us today.” I’m still a little lost with what faebane does.

-”My power pulled away from me like a wave reeling back from the shore. Only there was no return. It just went farther and farther out into a sea of nothing.” Both Feyre and Lucien describe losing their magic differently.

-”I peered at the sun, now a hand’s width above the horizon…” I take it that it’s noon now then? Why mention hours but don’t say noon?

-”The caves—doors, they called them—in those hollows led to other pockets of Prythian. I’d taken one straight Under the Mountain… No door to the Night Court existed…” I guess this is to explain why that one led to UTM, I guess they’re magic “doors” to places?

-”And I would not risk my friends by bringing them here to retrieve me.” Even though you’ve killed the twins already? This is just an excuse to have Feyre and Lucien by themselves isn’t it?

-”A numbness had spread through me.” Is it the faebane or not feeling the mate bond? It’s not clear.

-“The Autumn Court portal is that way.” Now we’re calling them portals instead of doors?

-“I can’t go into Summer. They’ll kill me on sight.” I’d love to see the consequences of what Feyre did to Summer. Like, she only decided to steal from them because Rhys kept guiding her to make that choice instead of making friends with Summer.

-”We sealed off all the other entrances.” Why seal all the entrances up? And whose “we” in all this? I think it’s all the entrances to UTM but I thought there was only one?

-”A faint buzzing and ringing filled my ears. And I felt my magic vanish entirely.” Another symptom of faebane?

-”To the lands of the family who’d betrayed him as badly as this court had betrayed mine.” A single person (Ianthe) was the only one that betrayed you Feyre, everyone else didn’t do anything. Tamlin’s character was inconsistent and still is.

-”I gave him another nod. I’d slid into their minds before we’d left, making sure this door would be left open.” Feyre’s lucky that Hybern didn’t find this the perfect opportunity to use this against you. Where even is the King in all this?

-”...whether it was better to claim the Spring Court for ourselves, or to let it fall to our enemies.” What the hell? Feyre, you can’t just claim Spring like that, that’s not how it works.

-”But it could not remain neutral—a barrier between our forces in the North and the humans in the South. It would have been easy to call in Rhys and Cassian, to have the latter bring in an Illyrian legion to claim the territory when it was weakest after my own maneuverings. Depending on how much mobility Cassian had retained—if he was still healing.” Now it’s just getting worse. Feyre is completely ignoring the whole High Lord thing. Also why hasn’t this happened in the past if Feyre finds it so “easy”?

-”Yet then we’d hold one territory—with five other courts between us. Sympathy might have swayed for the Spring Court; others might have joined Hybern against us, considering our conquest here proof of our wickedness. But if Spring fell to Hybern … We could rally the other courts to us. Charge as one from the North, drawing Hybern in close.” This whole thing, what the hell?

-[“You were right,” Lucien declared at last. “That girl I knew did die Under the Mountain.” I wasn’t sure if it was an insult. But I nodded all the same. “At least we can agree on that.” I stepped into the awaiting cold and dark.] I blame Rhys.

-”And in the distance, so faint I thought I might have imagined it, a beast’s roar cleaved the land.” I’m still confused by Tamlin.

Chapter 11

-Feyre describes the Autumn Court.

-Autumn didn’t post sentries at the “door” and Feyre can’t use her magic to search for Fae.

-”...the risk of revealing our scheming to find me.” So it’s “our scheme” now? Was Feyre actually doing things on her own or not?

-”But my magic was still and frozen. A crutch I’d become too reliant upon.” Since when has Feyre been that reliant on magic? She only recently started using it. Like, if this was the thought process of someone that used magic for years I wouldn’t think much of this but it’s not, it’s for someone that’s quite green. Not to say that Feyre can’t hold her own, I just expect her to be more inexperienced in the story.

-Mentions of time passing to night, I think.

-”...I knew only our need for stealth kept his simmering questions at bay.” Why do they need to sneak through a forest? Other than mentioning no sentries, what’s the point of this?

-They go into another cave, with a makeshift camp there already.

-”...three bedrolls and old blankets…” Why three?

-Lucien mentions he used to stay in this cave before he left Autumn.

-Lucien and Feyre talk.

-”...My friend at the Dawn Court has the same power—her light is identical…” I thought it was the Dawn High Lord’s power (who’s male)?

-“I didn’t tell him for two reasons. One, it felt like kicking a male already down. I couldn’t take that hope away from him.” I rolled my eyes. “Two,” he snapped, “I knew if I was correct and called you on it, you’d find a way to make sure I never saw her.” So… Lucien still cares about Tamlin? Also, the soulmate thing gets brought up again, that seems to be his only motivation now.

-“And that’s why you’re here. Not because it’s right and he’s always been wrong, but just so you can get what you think you’re owed.” Feyre gets mad at Lucien for not being angry at Tamlin. I also hate this whole bullshit about ownership being thrown around in this story, it became a thing in the 2nd book too.

-Lucien still thinks the Night Court are enemies.

-Feyre gets mad at Lucien for not believing her that Elain is safe, which yeah, they’re sisters, shouldn’t he understand that?

-Lucien questions if Feyre wanted to spare him from her path of destruction because of what it would do to Elain. They sure are friends, huh?

-Lucien continues to question Feyre, asks her if she wanted to kill Tamlin, yada yada.

-Feyre gets tired of debating with Lucien over her choices and tells him to drop it. It makes me wonder if this is to say Feyre regrets her actions now, or SJM doesn’t feel like going deeper into Feyre’s feelings on this whole thing.

-[“My father will hunt you for taking his power if he finds out,” he said into the frigid dark. “And kill you for learning how to wield it.” “He can get in line,” was all I said.] Giving me deja vu again.

-The next morning Feyre and Lucien argue on where to go next. Feyre wants to go north right through where, I guess the direction of Autumn's capital is, but Lucien wants to go either east where the Summer border is or west but Feyre thinks that route will take too long for some reason. Feyre for some reason thinks she can go through Autumn unseen, this is a dumb plan, west should’ve been the better option.

-Feyre dumps her food out because she thinks it’s laced with faebane.

-Feyre gawks at Autumn and admires Lucien, they go fishing. I still don’t know why they’re still being sneaky in the middle of nowhere though.

-They hiked for 5 days, somehow during the 3rd day they went through the Autumn’s capital without any incident.

-Apparently Autumn’s place is called the Forest House. I guess this is the reason why we're here, so SJM can explain the “worldbuilding” of Autumn. Anyway, the House is large and covered in moss.

-Somehow with all this time that’s passed they’re still affected by the faebane. I guess faebane can also affect mate bonds too.

-”...an apple tree, laden with fat, succulent fruit.” I know fat can be used as a synonym for large but this is a weird way to use it.

-”...the bees gorging themselves on fallen apples.” Bees don’t eat like that?

-”After what the Hybern royals had done, I should have sworn off apples forever, but hunger had always blurred lines for me. “ This doesn’t come up much with Feyre’s character but I like the idea of Feyre forgetting herself when she’s hungry.

-“We’ll have to stay out of sight. My father doesn’t pay well for his crops, and the land-workers will earn any extra coin they can.” Beron’s an idiot then, unless he’s getting other food from trade, he should only be reliant on food from local farmers. I’m not an expert on this though.

-”I was able to study for longer than my father allowed my brothers before shoving them out the door to rule over some territory within our lands…” Keeping note of this.

-“I’d say that sounds more High-Lord-like than the life of an idle, unwanted son.” I don’t even know what the High Lords do for this to make sense.

-“Would you want it—your father’s crown?” I thought magic chooses the High Lord, how would someone even be able to get it any other way?

-”...I’d gain a crown—only to rule over a crafty, two-faced people.” This contradicts what was stated earlier, of Lucien learning about his people, at least that’s what I think.

-“But you never answered my question—about why the people here would sell you out.”  Why is there no question mark in this?

-So, the people blame Lucien for not protecting Jesminda from being killed by his family, and when Lucien fled to their houses they gave him back up to his family. What?

-”...right into the steep foothills that leaped into gray, snowcapped mountains that marked the start of the shared range with the Winter Court.” Shouldn’t that be leapt? Or am I crazy for that?

-”If we could get over the border in a day or two…” They hiked through Autumn for like 5 days, how would they be able to go through Winter that fast?

-“How are you not winded,” he panted, hauling himself onto the flat top… “I trained.” Missing question mark. Also I know Feyre trained and all but she shouldn’t have that good of stamina already.

-”My nails barked…” This is the weirdest writing quirk SJM has.

-Lucien added, “You had my back —with them, with Ianthe. Thank you.” Feyre almost cries from this and I find that funny since she was going to leave him behind.

-Feyre manages to fall asleep this time, she goes into Lucien’s mind while she’s sleeping.

-”I had never known how young, how human I looked when I slept. My braid was a rope over my shoulder, my mouth slightly parted, my face haggard with days of little rest and food.” Why this? What’s the point?

-Lucien and Feyre get ambushed by Lucien’s brothers.

[toournextadventure]

Wait so just a few theories about the car accident that happened with Nicky, after going through your profile feed for a bit I saw you mention that Nicky’s a psychic sooooo (sorry I’m a little too curious and I know you can’t exactly confirm it but if I’m wrong you can deny it though right 👀?)

I was wondering if Nicky somehow had a vision of birb getting horribly injured and ending up in the position he’s in right now or worse maybe birb possibly dying in that car accident by herself and he either was worried sick about it and told her or maybe didn’t because he didn’t wanna speak it into existence it was supposed to be her inevitable fate but he took matters into his own hands nonetheless and protected her somehow taking her place

I’m still also trying to imagine how much a time gap there was between the vision and the car incident, apart of me thinks it was possibly only moments before it happened and he protected her during a split second decision cause there’s no way he’d let something like that happen to her if he could help it and that’s why birb feels as if it’s her fault he’s in the hospital.

Maybe there was no vision at all so I’m also wondering if there was maybe an argument between them going on and maybe birb said something hurtful enough to distract him or if it was because of another reckless driver and she didn’t have her seatbelt on but he was the kind of big brother to always scold her to put it on

Or maybe the reason birb is soooooo adamant about keeping her wings in a harness while also being extremely ashamed of them and being afraid of knocking things over/getting in someone’s way is because her wings somehow accidentally made them crash

Also I’m a new writer and I absolutely adore your writing, do you ever get writers block and if so do you have any tips for how you get out of it ? I posted a fic awhile ago and I still need to do a part two but I’m having trouble with how to start my story and continue its flow, the first part was easy but now I’m nervous for some reason.

I am in LOVE with your theories, they're so good and I love the different possibilities you have! I'll give y'all a tiny hint, I never specified what KIND of psychic Nicky is. Cause you have some like Wednesday who see visions, or like Eugene who influences The Bees, so it's a very wide range of possibilities

But I will say ONE of your theories is, like, 95% correct. Have fun guessing which one it is 👀

I do get writers block, I get it a lot, actually! Now, what I do does not always help, and it may not be the best advice so take it with a grain of salt. But whenever I get writer's block, I take a bit of time to do literally anything else. Get my mind off of it that way I can come back with fresh eyes. If that doesn't work, then I'll skip the part I've got a block about and write something else (this doesn't help often, only on occasion), or even a different story/topic/idea all together just to keep the brain workin. Or, a third option, try a different setting; if you usually write in your room, try the living room, or the kitchen, or an office (if you have one). Changing settings helps me a lot, personally

[lets-talk-spirituality]

Where have you been?

It’s been awhile since I’ve done a long post and it’s because I’m just going through a lot of shifting within myself. Maybe some of what I share can help you.

End of August I moved like halfway across the world from where I was living previously and since then I’ve been adjusting to so much. This place is so healing and beautiful and I can feel so much of the peace I’ve been yearning for.

I’m working through a lot of releasing of the past, dreaming of old lovers and bosses. I had a very toxic boss for three years and I’m still healing a few months after leaving. I just quit in late July so I’m still processing through that. I didn’t realize how much healing I still needed but it’s been showing up in dreams.

Woah oh oh it’s magic!

Lately the universe has been doing some amazing magic in my life. One new thing is that I’ve been allowed to at times see myself through the eyes of someone who loves me. It’s like randomly I will get this amazingly confident feeling of how cool I am and strong and beautiful and it’s like woah, where’s that coming from, but truth is I am all those things and I don’t need to down myself to appear humble. If I wanna be cocky it would be a start to the years I spent beating myself up. But it’s like I can see myself outside of my own critical self lens and there is so much beauty in that.

I’ve also been feeling like I don’t need to justify myself. I’ve been spending most of my weekends just relaxing and sitting in nature and there’s this internal shame that comes up. I’ve been telling it to fuck off and questioning where I got that doing nothing means I’m good for nothing or have nothing going on. Rest is actually an active choice I’m making to build up energy for all that I feel is already in my orbit. I had this insight once about how warriors can’t keep fighting well if they never heal and rest after battle. I’m sick of fighting wounded. Flowers don’t bloom year around. It’s okay to rest and be dormant. Life isn’t too short to find peace.

New Skills

I’m building new skills. Rest is a skill. Peace is a skill. Joy is a skill. All ones that are new to me. Although I recently experienced a timeline shift, my energy is still shifting and as I heal, more shifts. The universe asked me to stop smoking nicotine earlier this year but I wasn’t there yet. About two/three weeks ago I stopped. And honestly the only reason is because that is a coping mechanism I’ve outgrown and no longer need. An older version of me used that to cope but the me I’m becoming doesn’t. Holding onto that habit was holding me back and the second I let that go, I felt a shift. I’d never condemn habits as bad but there does come a time when holding onto something that we used to need keeps us in that old energy. I’m not that person anymore and letting myself let go of things isn’t easy. I miss the habit of smoking itself, not even nicotine but like all things, I will become used to this new normal too.

Exhaustion

Part of my quest to stop smoking has also been I’m just fucking tired all the time and have been since like the start of the pandemic. I realized that my mind is constantly thinking and manifesting in the background. I also had a breakthrough in therapy where we made the connection that codependency (putting others feelings before your own) is actually anxiety and it blew my mind. Taking antidepressants has been so wonderful for me, and so I’m determined now to try anti anxiety medication to help with the overthinking, ruminating thoughts and other ways that anxiety manifests. I think it may be part of why I’m so tired. But I know part is just filtering all that’s happening in the world. The more I heal the more I can filter and the less it effects me.

Megaformer!

I also said yes to myself and started a new workout class I love. I was warring with myself about the cost but I realized if I want to be the girl who does this workout then I need to do it! And honestly when I told people the price they were like that’s not that much. Perspective! If I want to become the me I want to be then I have to do what she does. All these choices are putting me in the energy of who I am. I’m letting myself be me finally. If green juice is basic, so what I’m basic! I don’t care about anything but figuring out ways to love being alive. I realized the whole point of exercise is to spend one on one time gaining trust and confidence in your body. This class focuses a lot on strength and it’s been amazing to focus my mind and challenge my body this way.

In summation:

Anyway! I’m still around and will do a long post soon I hope but I’m just like all of you. Just because I know things doesn’t mean I’m not still growing and being challenged. I’m still human and I’m still figuring out how to heal and move on from toxic situations, learning to let go of people and things and ideas, learning to love myself and how to talk to myself and treat myself better. The energy shifting I’ve been doing takes a lot of self work and energy. Changing takes a lot of effort and intention and consistency. The abundance and joy I’m reeling into myself takes a lot of energy. I love all of you and I hope some of what I shared maybe helps you too.

[strawberriesancreamdrpepper]

hi guys, big update

okay, I haven't posted in awhile, but I think I'm starting to get an idea of what i'm going to be able to do consistently.

here's what's been happening.

the biggest update I have is... I bought a scale!! this has been a long time coming, I don't know how many people understand how long I have been waiting to do this. I haven't had my own scale since maybe beginning of 2022, this is big. I've been waiting or considering buying one since maybe november of 2023, a long time. I was suspicious of where I could buy one without my parents finding out, since I am 14, but I managed to find a way. since i've been considering buying one, i've known I would not be able to buy one online, it would have to be in person. the question is... where? because cvs or target or anywhere that sells them is not a place i'm able to access without bringing my parents, but recently (literally 2 days ago) I was looking up where I could buy one, and it said there was some in stock at a job lot, literally down the road from my house, and across from the gym I go to. so, I cooked up the perfect plan. say i'm going to walk to the gym, while I'm there say i'm going to pick up some chocolate from job lot to use to bake, buy a scale plus chocolate to cover my tracks, and slip the scale into my backpack. so I mean yeah that's basically what I did. I did have some trouble getting it into my backpack, so I had to take it out of the box and stuff it in there, and it made my backpack a weird shape, but I managed to get it into my room, hopefully un-suspiciously and now... I have my own scale. I feel so... powerful. like omg. finally. Im so happy. my logic for buying one now, not yesterday, not a week, a month, a year ago, is because i've usually had access to one at least once to twice a week but that's all going to change when I start school, first because I will be getting home at 5pm, and my dad leaves after I do for work so I cant before school, and he usually sits in his room after work after I get home so I cant weigh after school either. and, my mom is having surgery so shes going to be sitting in the room the scales in 24/7 for basically 4 weeks, so, I literally cannot deal with not weighing for 4 weeks are you kidding. (also shes completely fine don't worry! its a really easy procedure for a condition that's not life threatening in the first place. I know it sounds like I'm being selfish in thinking that the surgery is just an inconvenience for me not to be able to weigh myself but, it is simply that because its not really a very big deal. anyway, she will be okay, and the surgery should greatly improve her life so, all is well.) thats the first reason, the second is that I figure in order to truly become a full anorexic I need to be able to obsess over my weight very closely, and again that's not possible unless I have a scale I have access to at all times. so, I have a scale. AHHHH!!! I'm so happy you have no idea, again, i've been patiently waiting for this, for a chance I'm able to buy one safely without my parents finding out, for so long. and i've tested it and it works and I'm literally just on such a high from this its going to make such a difference and so improve my life by so much. okay so obviously a very short explanation, sorry, I didn't have a lot of time.

other than finally buying and having my own scale (seriously, finally, God) I have cooked up a perfect diet I will be able to follow. okay so I wanted to keep it basic, high enough to be sustainable, but low enough its considered unhealthy for my own peace of mind, so here it is:

1000 calorie limit (absolute limit) so usually I will do 700-950 range. i will accept like maybe one day a week where I do 1200 limit but if its over 1200 I will probably use my lax tea or try and purge it.

for exercise, I am on a cross country team that meets 5 days a week, one of those days being an actual meet. I want a step count of 10-15k if I don't meet it by the time I get home I have a treadmill I can use to meet a minimum of 10k, there is no exceptions of this even on weekends, because, obviously, small things make a difference.

for water, I want a minimum of 1 liter of water a day, this is absolutely necessary for digestion and just general appetite suppressing.

I think when I start school I will ban breakfast, maybe have some tea before school if absolutely necessary but it's just unnecessary calories. i've recently been into actually paying attention to macros outside of calories so I want 40g of protein and 15g of fiber on my lowest days. those are slightly exceptions because not everyday can be perfect but that's my goal.

I want abs once a week just because and other than that cross country should cover my bases until november.

sleep is so so important so I want 8 minimum good solid hours a day and no exceptions for that.

so that's the diet plan as for general weight goals, heres what's happening. right now I'm no heavier than 120 I think that's like me bloated. I want to lose about 2 pounds minimum every week, so about 8 pounds a month, however I want to make my goal 10 pounds a month, but 8 is minimum. my ugw is 80 pounds so I have roughly 4 months before I meet my goal weight. so that's why my goal date to be at my goal weight (see I'm so cool for rhyming) is december 31st. I, moony-likes-water, am officially making the goal that I want to be 80 pounds on december 31st. so, it would make sense for me to say, September 1st I will be 120 max, October 1st I will be 110 max, November 1st I will be 100 max, December 1st I will be 90 max, and December 31st I will be 80 max. is this unrealistic? let me know in you guy's formal opinion. Google says the max healthily is 8lbs a month, but im not really doing it super healthy? so maybe 10 is realistic? to ed girls is 10 a month normal. tell me, please.

so generally, once schools starts hopefully i will be so distracted by starting highschool and being stressed out I will forget to eat! also, the good thing is that after my mom has surgery my brother is... also having surgery. my brother is ftm and is getting top surgery! I'm super proud of him for finally making this big step in his transition, please wish him luck, also... my parents will be soooo busy taking care of him, they wont even pay attention to me so I can peacefully lose weight without them even noticing. this is it guys, I'm finally going to do it.

binging is obviously a huge problem, but I know that I have control of myself enough to not. I am in control of my body and of my actions and I have the sense not to if I put my mind to it. so, if I really ever get a bad urge, I am required by the law of my good friend ana to scroll through pro Tumblr for at least 10 minutes so that I can be serenaded by the voices of angels telling me it'll be okay. so it will be fine, I know, I KNOW, I can do it. why?? because I've done it before. i've lost 25 pounds before I can do this. I CAN DO THIS.

ANYWAY, all that being said, I will be updating hopefully very often seeing as how Tumblr is a great community and resource so... if you want to then please follow along with me! we CAN reach our ugw ik that if I can do it you can so WHO'S WITH ME!!!

that's all for now, I'm going to go sleep with my new scale under my pillow and whisper sweet nothings into its ear. goodnight and good luck!!

[thedisneychef]

Cottage Pie – Rose And Crown Pub And Dining Room

Cottage pie is a classic British dish that has been enjoyed for centuries, and it is a staple on the menu at the Rose and Crown Pub and Dining Room. This savory pie is made with minced beef and vegetables, topped with a layer of creamy mashed potatoes, and baked until golden brown. The origins of cottage pie can be traced back to the 18th century, when it was a popular dish among the working class, who would use leftover meat and vegetables to create a hearty and filling meal. Today, cottage pie is enjoyed by people of all backgrounds, and it is a beloved comfort food in many households. At the Rose and Crown Pub and Dining Room, their cottage pie is made with the finest ingredients and cooked to perfection, making it a must-try dish for anyone looking to experience the authentic flavors of British cuisine. I’d be lying if I said that this was a recipe I felt confident with making. Yes, I’ve made shepherd’s pie a million times (and what person who’s tired of making hamburgers but can think of nothing else to do with ground beef hasn’t?), but this recipe was so different from any shepherd’s pie I’ve ever made. It didn’t have a tomato-based mixture for the meat like I’m used to, there were no vegetables in the meat mixture at all, and it didn’t have a cream of mushroom white sauce base as I see pop up occasionally. More Delicious Recipes You Will Love: - Spaghetti Carbonara - Pommes Frites with Cajun Remoulade - Moist Banana Bread with Cinnamon Crumble Topping Recipe Besides, I always thought that this kind of thing was an Irish recipe. I got all the answers to my questions from a very surprising place… Gordon Ramsay and his popular BBC show “The F Word.” In what has to be one of the biggest strokes of dumb luck that I’ve experienced in awhile, I was catching up on old episodes of “The F Word” while I was seeking out recipes for this week and in the episode I happened to be watching, Gordon Ramsay was in a recipe face-off with another celebrity where a panel of customers would determine who made the best dish… And it so happened to be cottage pie. When the celebrity he was cooking with kept calling his dish “shepherd’s pie” Chef Ramsay  repeatedly corrected him, explaining that shepherd’s pie is made with tomato paste and vegetables mixed with the meat, while cottage pie was Scottish and made only with meat, onions, and gravy. Since Gordon Ramsay is the most famous Scottish chef I know of, I decided to give this recipe a try. I have to say that this came out really, really well.  It tasted heartier, more savory then shepherd’s pie, which I really liked. This was another one of those wonderful Disney recipes where I was worried that there was too little seasonings and herbs, but it actually turned out that the lack of seasonings just made the richness of the meat far more wonderful and vibrant. The gravy base was also quite brilliant, I must say.  It was what kept everything all together while still letting it be a meat pie, as opposed to a meat and tomato sauce pie. My only tricks to this recipe is to use lean beef, the leanest available. Even if you don’t like lean beef, trust me, it just turns out better. I made one serving with lean beef, the other with 80% (to freeze for later) and while they were both good and completely edible, the leanest cut showcased the meat in a much better way and allowed the mashed potatoes to form a moist, rich topping. If all you have is more fatty ground beef, cook the beef first, strain off the fat, and use the strained fat to cook the onions… Don’t add additional butter. And speaking of the mashed potatoes, I used the recipe from Le Cellier that I posted a couple of weeks ago and really whipped them so that they were easy to spread. There are a number of ways you can put it on top of the meat mixture. At Rose and Crown, they  use a star-tipped bag and pipe it around in large circles the top of the pie, and it looks gorgeous. Gordon Ramsay also uses a piping bag and dots it like dumplings across the top of the mixture, and that looks gorgeous. Having neither the time or materials for such things, I prefer to slap it on with a spoon, spread it out, and make little peaks using the back of my spoon.  Looks not as gorgeous, but tastes the same and that’s enough for me. Read the full article

[zgvlt]

Hello again, this is the same anon from here

Honestly any fanfic would do, a series or one shot that seems to have really good writing. I've been trying to look for well written one shots for awhile on tumblr. My friend on here actually introduced me to your blog, they speak very highly of you. But other than your blog I did find people who write in detail but they're from another fandom sadly:(

A questio, do you know the self aware twisted wonderland AU? It's a very interesting AU. You should see the one shots made for the AU although they don't write in detail as much but their ideas for said AU is very interesting, nowadays most of the things being posted about the AU is all about writing letters to your favorite characters instead of one shots so that's why I was hoping you could give me a few recommendations:)

ohhhh i think i understand better now yes. and yes, i know about the self-aware AU! it was popular in the mysmes fandom too haha, it's a fun au for any game. i think a couple of writers have done their take on it so i don't really know who you're referring to or who did it first haha

regardless i guess i'll recommend fics (and honestly? just writers) i personally enjoy, and you can see if they're to your taste as well! or you can scroll through their masterlists yourself! and also this is my opportunity to talk about my talented mutuals oopsies

sorry for the tags pls forgive me hehe 🤗

i already talked about this in a post a few months ago, but i love anything written by @traumxrei-archive !! one of trau's leona fics titled "the shape of one's heart" is an easy new favorite of mine, i love character studies so much and screams and falls into a pit. and speaking of series! trau has a mini series based on fairy gala, fittingly named "the fairy gala collection"... and then and then just... trau's fics <3 heart eyes only!!

these are short but intimate... which makes sense because "fondness found amongst fleeting intimacy" [part 1 w/ idia, vil, mal, crewel] [part 2 w/ savanaclaw boys] by @twsthearts i just think about them every so often, the title itself enraptured me and i was just compelled to read and i had no regrets knox if u see this i adore ur writing sm i always feel like i'm reading one of my poetry books or the diaries of novelists excerpts from your works feel like they belong on a book, and then a pinterest girlie will be so in love they'll scan it and post it on their board

@twstedstoryshop hi okay so i'm going to admit i haven't finished shopkeep's full catalogue yet but i'm going to say "convenient marriage" (deuce historical AU) is probably my favorite bc i just... historical AUs, but i also enjoy "funny thing called fate" (azul soulmate AU) because i'm predictable and I think soulmate AUs are the best!!

@kaiijo ying...!!! such charming writing...! "magnetic" (azul frenemies to lovers) might be to your taste! although i am a simple human and the love triangle [part 1] [part 2] ones are my favorites dreamy sighing

i haven't actually read any of these yet (bc i want to binge all of them in one day oops) but since you mentioned series of one shots i thought of "the who does the prefect like" collab bc some of my (again, talented!) mutuals are participating in it i think it's worth checking out!

these are all i can think of right now off the top of my head that you might enjoy but if i think of more i'll reblog this!

anyway to whoever else is reading this feel free to recommend me some fics as well because i have not been reading a lot of fanfic lately hjsjsjsd i haven't had the time to finish my mutuals masterlists cries +++

i would love to follow more people ahhhh give me your recs &lt;3

[nejibaby]

Small Details

Pairings: Neji x Y/N

Summary: Neji was a man of few words, even more so with you, and when he sees you with Naruto in a compromising position, he has troubles expressing himself.

Word Count: 3.2k

A/N: And I finally managed to finish this! It took me so long! Today, I offer you a flustered Neji... 👀 I hope y’all enjoy it because I may or may not have melted after writing this 😚

✨Photo taken from this post by @yul-is-sparkling ✨

Naruto was finally back after two years of training with Jiraiya. Being one of his closest friends, you were excited to meet him and to see for yourself how much he’s grown.

Naturally, you challenged him to a duel the first time you saw him again. It was kind of your thing with Naruto — competing with each other on who’s faster, stronger, better in ninjutsu, anything really. Mainly because Sasuke, who he often referred to as his rival, would rarely indulge him with such things, and you did. You were both competitive like that.

In no time, you were both alone on the training grounds. You could already tell how drastic his improvements were within the start of the battle.

You were in awe at how the Legendary Sannins could bring out the best in their apprentices. But despite not being trained by them, that didn’t mean you were lagging behind.

In those two years when Sasuke seeked Orochimaru for power, Naruto trained under Jiraiya, and Sakura learned from Tsunade, you were the only one in Team 7 who remained under the supervision of Kakashi sensei.

Kakashi sensei may not be a Legendary Sannin, but he was a formidable shinobi — one of the best during his generation even. However, truthfully, he infuriated you at first, not because of how late he always was — you were pretty used to it to the point that you don’t question him anymore about his whereabouts and he stopped coming up with excuses as to why he was late — but because there were times when he was too laidback.

Sure, there were moments when he was hands-on: teaching you different jutsus, lecturing you about certain concepts, informing you on what you should always look out for, drilling your body past exhaustion, and the like. But more often than not he would be saying something like, “Find it out yourself” or “I can’t exactly tell you how” as he leisurely sits on a tree branch while reading the stupid Icha Icha books.

You were dumbfounded and furious at first but when your initial annoyance subsided and you had adjusted to his teaching style, you flourished.

That’s why you could take on Naruto even after his training with Jiraiya.

What started as a serious duel between you and Naruto was reduced to playful banter the longer the fight dragged on. At one point, both of you would just tease each other while throwing kicks and punches halfheartedly.

Both of you had your guards down. That was a mistake on your part, because just as Naruto aimed to kick your face and you bent over backwards to dodge it, you slipped. You lost your footing all because of a rock situated near your right foot.

It was a rookie mistake.

Naruto was quick to notice that you were falling so he immediately grabbed ahold of your hand. The problem was he failed to pull you back up. So you ended up falling down with him. And somehow, he ended up with his arms on the sides of your head so he wouldn’t crush you as you were underneath him.

You were both shocked. You were just blinking at each other. It took awhile for the two of you to gather your bearings. When you did, you both immediately laughed out loud. Naruto moved his body so he was lying next to you as you both continued laughing your hearts out.

“What the hell was that, Naruto?!” You feigned exasperation. “You wouldn’t be able to save a fly if you tried.”

“At least I wasn’t the one making rookie mistakes like that,” Naruto shot back. “Plus I tried to help, that’s what matters.”

You snorted. “Yeah, right. You could’ve at least focused your chakra on your soles so we didn’t fall!”

“And you could’ve paid attention to your surroundings, Y/N!”

You bickered with each other as you stood up and helped Naruto get up. What the two of you didn’t know was that your boyfriend Neji had watched the whole incident.

Neji wasn’t really the type to get jealous. He’s a very understanding boyfriend. He’s aware that you and Naruto have been best friends even before he met you. He even knew about Naruto’s feelings for Sakura. However, any sane person wouldn’t want to see his significant other beneath someone else, right? Granted, it was an accident, but still… It was such a compromising position to find you in.

He made his appearance as you playfully punched Naruto in the gut.

You instantly noticed him approaching. Your smile widened even more at the sight of your boyfriend. “Neji!” You called, skipping your way towards him. You would’ve tackled him in a hug if Naruto wasn’t around.

He maintained his stoic expression as he greeted, “Y/N. Naruto.”

“Oi Neji, it’s been a while,” Naruto waved.

Neji only gave a curt nod in response.

You asked, “What are you doing here, Neji?” but just as you ended your question, the answer immediately clicked on your mind. “Oh my god, I’m sorry I forgot!”

Over your excitement of Naruto’s arrival, you forgot that it was a Tuesday. Tuesdays were your lunch dates and sparring sessions with Neji.

“It’s okay.”

“Hold on.” you told him and then faced Naruto. “Gotta go, Naruto! Bye!” you said as you grabbed Neji’s hand out of habit.

Neji flushed, not exactly expecting your action, but you didn’t notice because it was something that you’re used to doing, although not in the presence of someone else.

“See you later!” Naruto waved.

When Naruto was out of sight, you dropped Neji’s hand unconsciously. “Sorry, I forgot about lunch. What time is it? Have you eaten?” You asked Neji.

He quickly responded and told you he hasn’t eaten anything yet.

“Well then, let’s go. I’m starving.”

Neji and you walked side by side out of the training grounds.

“So…” you started saying.

Neji stared at you. “Hm?”

“How was your day, baby?”

He cleared his throat and looked away almost instantly. Very rarely would one find Neji flustered, but calling him “baby” always worked. He wasn’t quite used to the endearment and every time you addressed him as such with tenderness laced in your voice, he would blush. You use it all the time just to see his cheeks tinted pink. It was a cute sight.

“What’s wrong?” You playfully asked while trying to get into his line of vision.

He refused to meet your gaze until he regained his composure. When he did, he told you — in an impassive manner — what he had done in the morning before he went out looking for you.

Despite his expressionless face and his rather hushed tone, you listened intently to the words he was saying, the smile on your lips never leaving your face. Neji was a man of few words even until now that you were together so you made sure you paid attention every time he spoke, not wanting his words to go to waste.

He wouldn’t admit it to you but he loved that about you. You would remember even the little details of his stories, which in itself was a big deal considering you tend to forget a lot of things. You treasured his words, sentences, thoughts, ideas and plans, and kept them enclosed in your memory.

Neji loved that you focused on him. You made him feel like he was important and worthy, and that he mattered, in a completely different way than the others’ view of him.

The others only saw him as important because he was an asset both to the Hyuga clan and to Konoha. He only mattered to them because he has the strength and ability to protect them.

But you didn’t see him that way. You saw him as his own person — a man with a brilliant mind, a great moral compass, and a heart of gold. This was further confirmed when you told him that if his circumstances were different — if he was not a Hyuga or even a shinobi — you’d still fall in love with him as long as his character remained the same.

He knew you love him, there was no doubt about that. It was known; it was an irrefutable truth, an indisputable fact. But why did seeing you with Naruto trigger his insecurities that you had previously put to rest?

His mind was reeling, but he tried his hardest to be in the moment with you.

The thing was, he might have misread you a little. Because the attention that you gave him wasn’t solely focused on his words. In actuality, it extended to his actions and mannerisms as well.

This was how you knew that there was something that was bothering Neji today.

Unwelcome thoughts swarmed his mind, leading him to absentmindedly reach out to you. He was walking beside you closer than usual, with his hand on your lower back. While there was no doubt that he was listening to you when it was your turn to tell him about your day with Naruto, he had a faraway, vacant look on his face.

You may have missed the presence of a rock a while ago, but you certainly wouldn’t miss these small details about Neji.

These might come across as something normal for other people, but for someone like you who dedicated a lot of time admiring and memorizing every little detail of the certain Hyuga boy, it was easy to tell that something was on his mind from the way he was taking up a portion of your personal space. Almost as if his own restrictions were non-existent.

Normally, it would’ve been easier to confront him about it, but you were a shinobi, and if there’s something you learned from Kakashi sensei, it was that you have to gather more intel before actually making a move.

But you could only think of one way to confirm if there was something bothering your partner, and it was through his hair.

On regular days, Neji wouldn’t allow anyone to touch his hair, including you. But when there was something that was bothering him, or if he had a particularly rough day, he wouldn’t mind it if you threaded your fingers through his hair. In fact, he wouldn’t admit it, but he preferred it if you did that. It was something that calmed him down.

So while you continued telling him how your day went, you subtly angled your body towards him. Then you tentatively reached for the tips of his hair with your hand that was closest to him. You managed to grab a few strands of his hair between your thumb and index finger. You twisted them between your fingers.

You looked up to him to check if he was bothered by it, but it seemed like he didn’t mind at all. This certainly meant that his mind was elsewhere, despite the fact that he was nodding in the right parts of your speech and even correcting you when you used the wrong word to describe something.

You retracted your hand after coming up with your conclusion. You even stopped talking as you were thinking of what could’ve happened for him to be this distracted. Neji didn’t even notice you stopped talking mid sentence.

Somehow this just felt different from the times he was frustrated or anxious before, and quite frankly, you were worried.

By the time you had both placed orders and seated in a random restaurant, you decided to confront your partner. “So, Neji, baby, are you going to tell me what’s bothering you?”

He choked on nothing after hearing your question. Was he really that easy to read? Or was it easy just because it was you reading him?

He cleared his throat and feigned ignorance, “What are y-you talking about?”

You opted to give him a pointed look instead of a verbal response.

He didn’t stare back, looking anywhere but you. Most times, Neji would face you head on until you conceded; with you, he was comfortable being stubborn and unyielding because it came without repercussions. But today, he wasn’t up for the challenge. And if you looked more closely, he was once again sporting a faint color on his cheeks.

You waited a moment for him to answer, or at least to look back, but it was to no avail. With a sigh, you said, with the softest tone you could muster partnered with a reassuring smile, “Would you let me know when you’re ready, at least?”

Surprisingly, Neji looked at you then. “It’s nothing… It’s just… something silly.”

You gently grabbed a hold of his hand. “Don’t tell me it’s silly, I know it isn’t if it bothers you, baby. You don’t have to tell me now if you aren’t comfortable yet, hmm? Just know I’ll be here to listen to you.” You gave him a genuine smile and a small squeeze to his hand before letting go.

Neji’s eyes hadn’t strayed from then onwards. He had to admit sometimes he would forget how incredibly kindhearted you were, even more so when it came to him. You always made sure he was comfortable. You never forced him into doing or saying things that he wasn’t ready to do or say. You allowed him to make his own decisions and respected them, something that rarely came from being a subordinate of Konoha and a member of the branch family of the Hyuga clan.

Life as a shinobi was sometimes constricting, but you were his breather from all that.

It was your turn to be bashful from his stare. You could feel your face warming up from the unexpected, scrutinizing gaze. “Neji, stop it.”

“What?”

“Stop looking at me like that.”

“Stop being beautiful, then.”

The words that came out of Neji’s lips startled you. It wasn’t everyday he would actually use words to tell you you’re beautiful. The way he expressed his appreciation to your beauty would come in the form of fluttering kisses or gentle brushes on your body parts — coincidentally, or not, on parts where you feel the most insecure about.

Fortunately for you, the food came at the right moment, since you weren’t exactly sure how to respond to his unexpected compliment. You both ate in silence then, occasionally peeking at each other  — almost like how it was when you first started dating each other.

When you were done with lunch, you expected to take the route towards the training grounds like you both usually did, but Neji’s hand has taken solace on your back once again and this time with intent to guide you to a different direction.

You were confused but you followed anyway. “Where are we going?”

“To my place.” A pause. “Is that fine with you?”

“Sure” was all you could say. Admittedly, you were quite tired from the duel you had with Naruto earlier and you didn’t really have enough energy to spar with Neji, considering he never went easy on you.

By the time you had entered his place, he graciously offered his couch to you, as if sensing your exhaustion. You immediately plopped down on his couch after setting aside your footwear by his front door.

“Tired?”

“Very,” you mumbled.

He handed you a glass of water, knowing you weren’t quite fond of tea. He sat down beside you just as you thanked him and sipped on your drink.

Setting aside the glass, you leaned back on the couch, only to be welcomed by Neji’s arms. A small smile automatically crept into your lips from the gesture. You snuggled into him as a reflex.

It was moments like this with Neji that you treasured most. While you enjoyed tagging around with him and the rest of Team Guy on missions, you preferred spending time with him peacefully like this, without the imminent threat of danger looming over your heads. It was rather a rare occurrence, after all, for two shinobis like you both were.

Neji was first to break the comfortable silence. “I saw you with Naruto a while ago.”

“You did? When?” You excitedly asked while trying to pull away from his embrace to look directly to his face. But for some reason, he kept you in place, your cheek pressed to his neck. “Did you see me kick his ass? Like literally.”

“Yes,” he answered flatly. It was a response that sounded so… dry. Usually when you both talked about Naruto, there would be a fondness from his tone. “But… I also saw something else…” he trailed off.

You raked your mind, trying to remember what had happened earlier. Then the memory of falling down flashed on your mind, and suddenly you felt embarrassed for Neji having to witness such a mistake. “Oh no!” You jumped out of his grasp, startling him in the process. “You saw me fall down! That’s so embarrassing!” You covered your face with your palms.

“Well, yes… but—”

You snapped your head at the tone he used. He didn’t sound like he was going to tease you for your mistake, in fact, it kind of sounded like he was worried.

“I’m fine though, if you’re worried,” you offered, assuming he thought you got hurt from the fall.

“I’m glad you are not hurt,” he said. Not long after you noticed him visibly gulping.

You could tell there was something else in his mind, and whatever it was, you had a feeling it might’ve been the thing that was bothering him a while ago. You tried to come up with guesses as to what it could’ve been. As you recalled how the conversation started and considered how he was acting, a plausible answer popped into your mind.

“Are you perhaps… jealous?” You hesitantly asked. He was the first one to initiate this conversation so you were assuming he was ready to talk about it. Despite that though, you didn’t want to force him to talk so you carefully and reluctantly asked him. He was always allowed to drop the topic if he wasn’t comfortable and he knew that.

Neji cleared his throat as soon as the words left your mouth all the while avoiding to meet your eyes once again. “Maybe,” he almost inaudibly said.

You were surprised by his answer. It wasn’t always that Neji got jealous. The only time he was was when a stranger was blatantly hitting on you in front of him while you were on a mission together.

“It did not sit right with me seeing you in an… inappropriate position with someone else.” He explained. The tone he used sounded like the one he used with the Hokage when he was taking responsibility for something that went horribly wrong on a mission.

“Don’t make it sound like it’s wrong,” you said softly as you cupped his face. “You don’t have to feel guilty about feeling jealous. Your feelings are valid.”

The gentleness and warmth in your voice made his heart flutter. If this was a conversation with someone else, he was sure he was going to get teased for feeling this way, but it was with you, and you had always been different.

“I love you, Neji,” you said before you kissed his lips.

It was amazing how the three words you used that preceded his name could easily wipe out the jealousy that had brewed inside him. This was another testament of how well you knew Neji — not only did you know the small details about him, but you also know the right words to ease his worries.

[the-bjd-community-confess]

I'm one of the folks who still hasn't gotten their Culor order (I don't want to post exactly what I'm missing--but will say it was a substantial sum, I'm not like missing one faceplate or something lol--since it would identify me to Culor, and at this point I do NOT want the drama, I've written this experience off as my worst nightmare in collecting and that's it). I posted about my experience awhile ago on this blog. I'm not the same person who has been posting somewhat recently who said they got blocked by Culor, but I 100% believe it since while I haven't been "blocked" in the formal sense, Culor has just constantly ghosted my emails and left my other attempts at communication on other platforms unopened.

First, I want to say, this post has made it incredibly clear to me that Culor lied on a scale I previously didn't even IMAGINE. I've been working with limited information this entire time, and I had no clue that Culor had ordered, at the VERY least, an extra eight full doll sets complete with every single faceplate available for herself in extra fantasy colors. Culor has not offered any of these dolls to me or anybody else missing their dolls/items to my knowledge. (In fact, to my knowledge I only know of ONE somewhat popular user who had been offered a replacement doll by Culor from her own collection, the tan one, and that's it.) Culor also says in that DM that there are nine faceplates and seven full dolls missing. (I suspect there's several more for reasons I can't fully disclose but suffice to say the manifest she gives of the missing dolls/plates and the colors + no mention of missing heads, it all doesn't seem "fully complete" if you get my drift.)

Personally since I don't care anymore and I've written off ever getting my stuff and I just think Culor is a liar and thief, I'm going to put out my theory that I've had for awhile but didn't want to say publicly for worry of "slandering" her. I think Culor figured out that she fucked up, BIG TIME, and owed way too many people dolls. First issue first, I think she immediately discounted the idea of using any of these "special color" dolls to make customers whole, and the very most she would do is a one-off faceplate here and there (which explains the lone yellow faceplate floating around instagram while Culor still owns all three yellow bodies and most of their faceplate sets). But, I also think she also ran into ANOTHER issue on top of the whole "not wanting to give special color dolls away". Undoubtedly I think SEVERAL of the white, pastel blue, tan and peach dolls were meant for her use (and to use as bargaining chips for popular influencers *cough*S@rk*cough*).

If she were to make everyone whole who was missing heads, faceplates, or dolls, she wouldn't have enough dolls left over for her to play with and customize as different characters, ESPECIALLY not in the "typical" skin colors which let's be real, are what she really seems to want to work on most of the time. Does anyone else notice how she just seems to have an endless supply of both Harvcasting V1 and V2 doll bodies in colors like white, peach and tan to play with? It's easy to tell that they come from Harvcasting from both the obvious spot-on color matching Harv's colors (Culor is terrible at color matching resin, her homecasted faceplates stick out big time since they don't match Harv's colors), and because Culor doesn't have the casting abilities to pump out perfect full dolls devoid of bubbles and imperfections. I don't even know if Culor can actually cast herself full bodies tbh or even has a mold set for the doll body. Her timeline highly suggests that's a "no". So, we have a seemingly endless supply of pre-order color dolls she has laying around, and several people claiming they haven't received their dolls/plates/heads, or know someone who hasn't. You do the math on that. I think she realized she would be made "less than whole" (in her own immature opinion, even though it was her own screwup that caused the missing dolls issue in the first place) if she gave everyone their dolls, so I think she kept several people's pre-orders and our money and just ghosted us.

Finally, I want to explain why I'm personally not going after Culor in court or something. To put it bluntly, like many people I don't have a lot of money (poor enough that I had to really save up afford Culor's preorder), and I have other more personal issues that make this an impossibility. The idea of having to go to small claims court to get back my money is exhausting to even think about, much less pursue, and I don't even think Culor and I live anywhere near one another so I have no clue how that would even happen in the first place. I'm also a literal nobody in the doll community, like I don't even really have "doll social media" (again, the personal issues come into play here, I have a small collection of artist cast dolls I'm proud to own, but I haven't had much time or energy to actually work on them). Identifying myself would only be fractionally better than talking here on this blog anonymously. It's not like any of Culor's core audience is going to care that some nobody doesn't have their items they were owed from the pre-order. Culor could crush me like a bug even if I went fully public.

If it helps prove my story, here's a cropped, censored screenshot [Mod: added it below also] proving I placed an order and received confirmation from her website shop. The reason the "Culor" is highlighted in yellow like that is because I had to use Gmail's search function to find my old order email. The only things I censored are the order number (for obvious reasons) and the exact time I received the message (just in case this could somehow be used). The cropped stuff just includes my Gmail dashboard, and my personal order details. Otherwise this is unaltered. Someone who received their doll can confirm that this is the legit order email you received when you placed an order via Culor's website.

~Anonymous

[haikyuu-scenarios-drabbles]

you weren’t supposed to hear that (F! reader)

A collection of instances where your roommate hears you moaning their name whilst your fingers are between your legs. Or your neighbor. Or maybe you walk in on them saying your name. Take your pick 😈

warnings: NSFW, manga spoilers (in terms of what the boys do post timeskip) words: 9.7k (oops)

a/n: wow it’s been awhile since I wrote one of these!! This has been half finished for a while and i finally got the inspiration to complete it. please enjoy!! 💖

Other parts: Kuroo | Sakusa

Ushijima Wakatoshi 

Being Ushijima’s roommate is fairly simple. He’s easy to get along with once you get past his jarring frankness and strict regime. Seriously, the guy never changes his routine; working out at 6am, breakfast at 8, leaving for practice at 9, home at 5, dinner at 7, and in bed by 9 o’clock. He’s a machine, but you don’t mind his predictability. It certainly makes your life easier being able to plan around his tried-and-true schedule.

You saw his ad for a roommate a few months ago when you were desperate to get out of your parents’ house and into the world. They weren’t too keen on the idea of you living with a man, but upon meeting Ushijima, they changed their minds quickly. Neither of them able to believe that stoic Ushijima Wakatoshi would ever lay a hand on you. Plus, the deal was far too good to pass up, he is seriously underselling the room you’re currently renting; and there’s the bonus that he’s frequently absent at away games, leaving the entire apartment for you to enjoy alone.

You learned quickly to keep your mouth shut on who exactly your roommate is, never inviting anyone over anymore in fear of them finding out from the various volleyball paraphernalia Ushijima so sparsely decorates the apartment with. It became difficult for you to tell if people you just met actually liked you, or if they just wanted a glimpse of the infamous Ushijima Wakatoshi and maybe an autograph. And don’t even get you started on his fangirls that he’s so oblivious about.

To your surprise, he was indifferent about having a roommate of the opposite sex. You thought for sure he’d try to ‘keep your honor’ or some shit like that, but all he’d asked you was what your job was to make sure you can pay rent, if you were tidy, and if you didn’t mind being alone. He’d seemed satisfied with your answers, and you’d moved in the following week.

The first and only time Ushijima has someone over, you get home from work surprised to see an interesting looking character standing in the kitchen across from him. They both look up at you, Ushijima giving you a slight nod in greeting while a wide smile spreads across his friends’ face.

“Ushiwaka! You didn’t mention your roommate is that pretty!”

Ushijima blinks as if he’s never considered that about you before, while you chuckle. “Ushi…waka?” You don’t think you’ve ever heard anyone refer to him in such a casual manner before.

The red-head beams, slinging an arm around Ushijima that he surprisingly allows. “Yup, me and Wakatoshi have been friends since high school!”

Now it’s your turn to blink, never having expected Ushijima to have friends outside of volleyball. Especially not ones who call him by his first name. In fact, you don’t even know if he considers any of his teammate’s friends either. He doesn’t spend any time with them outside of volleyball (that you know of) and so far, this is the first person he’s brought to the apartment since you moved in.

“Well,” the visitor nudges Ushijima in the side, who’s expression hasn’t changed throughout this entire interaction. “Are you going to introduce me or what?”

Finally, Ushijima speaks, his deep voice rumbling through your chest as he says, “This is Tendo, we played volleyball together in high school.” He doesn’t show it, but he notices your piqued interest at that information.

“Oh?” You say, “Do you still play?”

Tendo waves his hand dismissively, “Nah, it wasn’t for me. And I’m nothing compared to golden boy over here.”

You try to hide your amusement. This is definitely not what you were expecting from one of Ushijima’s friends. Tendo is rather enjoyable and chatty, much unlike the stone of a man sitting beside him.

“Tendo is a chocolatier in Paris,” Ushijima supplies.

Now you can’t hide your surprise. “Wow! That’s really amazing. What are you doing in Japan then?”

“Just visiting,” he beams. “And of course, I had to see my best friend Wakatoshi-kun.”

“Are you going to his game tomorrow?” You ask, ignoring the way Ushijima’s attention focuses on you. He didn’t think you paid much attention to his volleyball schedule besides when he’s going to be away.

Tendo nods excitedly. “Wouldn’t miss it! You should come too!”

You open your mouth to give some excuse, but then close it again at Tendo’s expectant expression. You bite your lip nervously; in the time you’ve been living with Ushijima you’ve never once actually seen him play. There’s a part of you that avoids it, fearful you might become one of his dreaded fangirls. But you can’t refuse Tendo’s invitation, and to Ushijima’s surprise, you agree to attend.

Clapping his hands together Tendo says, “We get to sit in Ushiwaka’s special seats! Maybe I’ll bring some chocolates for us to snack on…” And when he sees your eyes light up at that, he smiles again, “Chocolate for the lady, done.”

You laugh, and then Tendo is seeing himself out, telling you he can’t wait to see you both tomorrow. And once he’s gone, you can’t help feeling like you don’t know what to with yourself now. Not with Ushijima’s stare boring into your back. After a minute he says, “You don’t have to come.”

And if this had been the first week you’d known him, you might’ve taken that a little personally. But knowing him, he thinks he’s just stating something. He doesn’t see how it can be interpreted as him not wanting you there. “No, it sounds fun! And Tendo seems nice.”

“Tendo is very kind,” he states, and you have to resist the urge to chuckle at him. Ushijima is not a man of words and if that had come out of anyone else’s mouth you would’ve thought they were little strange. But in the months of living with him, despite your limited interactions, you’ve gotten used to his mannerisms.

Looking away from him, you start retreating down the hallway to the safety of your room, but before you disappear you say one more thing. “Plus, I’ve never seen you play.” Then you’re gone, not to be seen for the rest of the night. You don’t see him watch you until you’re out of sight. If you had, you would’ve been shocked by his dumbfounded expression at how the small smile you gave him made his heart stutter for a moment.  

Ushijima has to leave much earlier than you do for the game, but he informs you that Tendo will be by to pick you up and go to the game together. Then, for the first time probably ever, he bids you goodbye and tells you he’ll see you afterwards.

Tendo comes by the apartment a few hours later, sporting an Ushijima jersey and a box of chocolates he asks to hide in your bag. For having just met him yesterday, he easily leads the conversation, asking you all sorts of things—though he seems particularly interested in your relationship with Ushijima. You try to assure him it’s nothing. Really, you aren’t even sure if you can consider Ushijima your friend. Right now, you’re pretty much strictly roommates and that’s it.

When you let it slip that you’ve never seen Ushijima play, Tendo is shocked. “Really? Not even on TV or anything?”

You shake your head. “Nope! I guess I never thought of it.” The lie slips through your teeth easily and Tendo doesn’t bat an eye at it.

Though he does grin telling you, “You’re in for a treat then! Have you ever watched volleyball at all?”

Your regretfully admit to him that no—you’ve never seen a game. You do vaguely remember the rules from high school, but they’re a bit fuzzy now. Tendo tells you not to worry and spends the rest of the train ride to the stadium filling you in on all the aspects of volleyball. And the more he talks, the more excited you get.

When you finally enter the stadium, Tendo is amusingly proud to show off your VIP tickets to be allowed entrance to the special seats reserved solely for Ushijima’s guests. To your delight, they’re some of the best seats in the house and you and Tendo get to work on the chocolates you snuck in while you wait for the game to start. Already the stadium is buzzing with excitement and you can feel your own continue to grow.

Meanwhile, Ushijima hasn’t said a word that he has visitors today. So, it comes as a complete surprise to his teammates when a chorus of cheers erupts from his seats when he enters the stadium. He doesn’t take note of how shocked his teammates are—he’s never had any spectators before. And none of them ever expected one of them to be a girl.

“So, who’re your friends?” Heiwajima asks during warm-ups, nudging Ushijima in the side and motioning his head towards you and Tendo.

“Isn’t that Tendo-san?” Kageyama notes, his own eyes up in the stands.

Without looking upwards, Ushijima replies, “It is.”

Heiwajima rolls his eyes. “Yeah, we aren’t so interested in him as we are the beauty sitting next to him.”

Now Ushijima lifts his attention, eyes drifting to you. He hasn’t told anyone on the team he has a roommate. Not because he has any reason to hide you, but there has never been a reason for him to bring you up. So, he doesn’t think much of it when he says, “That’s my roommate.” And then introduces you.

Everyone on the teams’ eyes nearly bug out of their heads at that information.

“Ushijima, you bastard!”

His brow furrows. Why is he a bastard? You’re just his roommate. And he never lied to anyone about you, nobody ever asked.

“Keeping that a secret from us this whole time!”

He ponders that. He wasn’t really trying to keep any secret. “It’s not a secret,” he says. “You never asked.”

The team guffaws at him and continues to grill him about you until Hirugami claps his hands and tells everyone to focus on the match. They’ll have plenty of time to discuss Ushijima’s secret roommate later. Again, Ushijima tries to explain it you were never a secret, but Hirugami brushes him off and tells him to start spiking warm-ups.

It isn’t hard for him to ignore you and Tendo during the game. He’s used to having nobody here for him, so he just treats it like any other day. It’s nothing special, he’ll play the way he usually does. Meanwhile, up in the stands, you can’t keep your eyes off him. You finally see why he works so hard, and maybe understand him a bit better.

He loves volleyball, you know that—but seeing him in action really drives it home. He’s a machine. Every time he serves or spikes you swear the other team’s arms are going to rip off from the force of the ball. And the sound that ricochets in the stadium when the ball connects solidly with the floor is unlike anything you’ve ever experienced. It’s like a clap of thunder rattling your bones and before you know it, you’re cheering loudly alongside Tendo with no qualms.

It’s exciting being here. You can feel your heart racing in your chest each time the Adlers or the other team is at a critical point, and sometimes you catch yourself holding your breath in anticipation for the outcome. You never thought watching a sport could be so thrilling.

And Ushijima is incredible. You suspected as much, but actually watching him for the first time is something else. You can’t help gobbling up the sight of him, his powerful thighs thrusting him into the air when he jumps, his biceps on display when his hand connects with the ball—and above it all, that sharp look in his eyes that sends goosebumps prickling down your spine without your permission. If Tendo notices you shamelessly ogling your roommate at all, he doesn’t comment.

He's oblivious to the fact he’s actually playing a lot more intensely than he usually does. Which some of his teammates never imagined possible. And most of them, besides the clueless ones alongside Ushijima, have a pretty good idea what’s different about this game. Though they can’t pinpoint if it’s just a result of having spectators in general, or if it’s you specifically.

The Adlers come out victorious after four hard sets, winning the first and second, but then having to snag the win in the fourth. You watch as the team gets swarmed by reporters looking for a post-game interview and Tendo tugs on your arm telling you that Ushijima is going to meet you by the locker room. You must give him a surprised look because he holds up the card dangling around his neck with a grin. “VIP, remember?” You giggle and follow him out.

In the locker room, Heiwajima and others try desperately to invite him, you, and Tendo out with them after the game. But he has to decline, you three already have plans. And he doesn’t wait around to see their disappointed expressions as he heads out of the room to look for you and Tendo. He finds the two of you nearby and once you catch sight of him, a smile splits your face in two.

“That was amazing, Ushijima! I’ve never had so much fun watching a sport before!” You gush once he’s in earshot.

“Volleyball is very fun.” He nods as the three of you head towards the exit. Ushijima purposefully avoids the spots he knows he is likely to be ambushed by reporters or fans, opting for a back exit instead that he sometimes uses when he wants to make a quiet escape.

“I had no idea being left-handed was such an advantage! Tendo told me it really throws people off apparently.”

Tendo sneaks him a smile and then throws an arm around his shoulder. “So, where is the great Ushiwaka takin’ us for dinner?”

You end up at a nice restaurant not too far away, and of course Ushijima gets recognized a couple times being this close to the stadium. He politely agrees to autographs and declines photos, seemingly unaware to the fact they’re just taking them secretly when they return to their tables. And while you’re waiting for your food to arrive, you can’t seem to stop talking about volleyball. Admitting that you’ll probably watch a few more of his games from home now and even cover your face in embarrassment when Tendo suggests you get your own Ushijima jersey to wear in support.

It’s then that Ushijima realizes he very much enjoys listening to you talk about what you thought of volleyball. Though he does feel heat creeping up his neck at the thought of you wearing one of his jerseys. All the while, Tendo is sitting beside you smirking up a storm, and Ushijima can’t for the life of him place why.

After dinner, when you’re walking a bit ahead of them and out of earshot, Tendo nudges him playfully in the side. “She’s pretty great, right?”

He looks at your back, expression unchanging. “She’s a good roommate.”

Tendo groans dramatically. “No blockhead—like, she’s pretty great, if you know what I mean.”

He blinks. “Do you want to ask her out?” Tendo can’t help slapping himself on the forehead. Who was he to think that Ushijima has any idea you are available, and he has a very high chance with you?

“Not me,” Tendo spells out slowly. “You.”

“I don’t want to ask her out.”

Tendo’s thin brows lift. “Are you sure about that?”

Tendo doesn’t miss his slight hesitation before he says, “Yes.”

And he doesn’t—you’re his roommate, and a good one. He likes having you around, but not the way Tendo seems to think.

But Tendo isn’t convinced. “Okay~,” he sing-songs before skipping up to loop his arms through yours and make you laugh about something. Ushijima thinks about that for a few minutes, why doesn’t Tendo believe him?

~

When you first moved in, it took a few weeks to get accustomed to each other. But once you figured out his schedule it became a lot easier. You know exactly when to hide in your room if you want to avoid him and when to come out once he’s gone. After going to his volleyball game, you especially try to avoid him during the times he’s walking down the hallway towards the shower, damp with sweat from a workout. Your brain can’t seem to function seeing him slick with the shine of sweat, his hair clinging to his forehead, and a towel draped around his neck—it’s too much for you, as much as you hate to admit.

But one week, you swear he’s on a warpath to make you a stuttering, flustered mess. Despite knowing the fact you’re certain Ushijima has no clue he can have that effect on people, much less do it on purpose. But every single day he’s waltzing around the apartment without a shirt on and while he doesn’t seem to see the problem with it, you don’t think your heart can take it much more.

And it’s the final straw when you see him a few days later, a thin sheen of sweat covering his skin as he saunters across the apartment from his home gym towards the bathroom in the hallway. All while you’re standing dumbfounded in the kitchen trying really hard not to get caught staring at his enormous biceps or the way the shine of sweat accentuates the dips of his abdomen. It’s in this moment you can truly understand why he has so many fans despite his rather stone-like demeanor.

“You have got to put a shirt on,” you blurt when he’s halfway across, knowing this will turn into some dangerous territory if he keeps walking around the apartment half-naked.

He stops in his tracks, his head cocking the only indication he’s confused by your statement. “I don’t want to wear a sweaty shirt,” he says by way of explanation. He doesn’t seem to notice your flustered expression. “I might catch a cold.”

You resist the urge to groan and slap yourself on the forehead. “Fine, then I’m wearing whatever I want around the apartment,” you say, determined to make him realize why he can’t just walk around like that. Though knowing Ushijima, you’ll never get through that thick skull of his.

And as you suspect, he simply replies, “Alright.” Before disappearing into the hallway and the bathroom to take a shower.

You lower your forehead to rest it on the cool countertop, shaking your head at how dense he really is. And you’re beginning to realize you think it’s endearing. While his infuriatingly toned body may be a major perk, you’re starting to see that you like him too. Now you actually groan. You swore this would never happen—not with Ushijima at least. But here you are.

After that, you make a pointed effort to wear the shortest shorts you can possibly find whenever he’s around. And you purposefully pair them with an oversized shirt, so it doesn’t look like you’re wearing pants at all. But if it has any effect on Ushijima, you can’t tell. You can’t help cursing his dumb impassive expression every time you retreat to your room for the night. Seriously—is he swayed by anything ever?

However, Ushijima hardly knows what to do with himself the first time you strutted out like that. He might be dense, but he’s still only human. His eyes naturally span down the expanse of your exposed legs and he has to grip his water bottle like a vice in order to keep it from clattering into the sink when you rise to your tiptoes to grab something from the top shelf. Your shorts ride up even more, hugging the curves of your ass as you stick it out to balance yourself.

You let out a surprised sound when he appears behind you, easily picking up the thing you were vying for and handing it to you without so much as a word.

“I really need a stepstool or something, huh?” You joke, taking it from him gratefully and blissfully unaware he was just blatantly staring at your ass.

He doesn’t say anything, but the next week you find a small stepstool leaning against the cabinets for you.

~

Staring at your phone in your hands, you thank any god listening that you brought it with you. How stupid do you have to be to lock yourself out of your apartment when you’re taking the trash out? Sitting on the floor against your door, you lean your head back on it and let out an exasperated sigh. You already went down to the office for help, they called a locksmith, and they aren’t available until tonight. And by that time, Ushijima will be home from practice and you won’t need the service anyways.

You have several options here. You could call a friend and stay with them until Ushijima gets back from practice, but they all live too far to walk to, and you don’t have your wallet. You could hang out in the apartment buildings lobby until he gets home, but if your phone dies, you’re stuck with nothing to do and no way to contact anyone.

The last option is slowly beginning to seem like your only option: calling Ushijima at practice for help. Burying your face into your hands you groan—you really don’t want to do that. Plus, you doubt he’s going to answer his phone anyways. After you sit there for a few more minutes, you take a deep breath and steel your courage. Leaving a message is better than nothing.

Despite deciding to call him, you still stare at his contact for a few moments before finally pressing the ‘call’ button. It rings a few times, then unsurprisingly goes to voicemail. When it beeps for you to leave your message, you swallow your pride and say, “Hey Ushijima, I know you’re at practice, but I locked myself out of the apartment…and the locksmith can’t come until tonight. If you by any chance get a break, would you be able to let me back in? I’d really appreciate it…sorry for the inconvenience and disrupting practice!”

Then you hang up and slump against the door again. Might as well head down to the lobby to sit somewhere more comfortable than the hallway floor. You turn the brightness down on your phone to conserve battery and resist the urge to just sit in the lobby scrolling through social media to pass the time. If he by some stroke of luck calls you back, you want to make sure your phone isn’t dead.

“Hey Ushijima, your phone was ringing in the locker room while I was in the bathroom. It was your roommate~,” Heiwajima teases. Ushijima slowly looks past his shoulder back towards the locker room door—that’s odd. You’ve never called him before. “And she left a message!” He coos.

Before Heiwajima can make any more comments, Ushijima strides past him to check his phone. They’re taking a short break and he doesn’t see a problem with making sure everything is alright. You wouldn’t have called if it weren’t important. He doesn’t see the rest of the team share suggestive looks behind his back. Before you, Ushijima refused to check his phone during practice, no matter how many messages he had (which are few and far between but still).

Upon hearing your message, he calls you back immediately.

You’re shocked that he’s calling you back within a half hour of your call.

“Uh, hi,” you say upon answering the call. “Sorry for bothering you. I’m surprised you saw my message so fast.”

“Heiwajima heard my phone ringing while he was in the bathroom.”

“Lucky me,” you joke.

He gets straight to the point. “I’ll leave now.”

Your eyes widen. He’s going to leave practice right now to let you back in? “Oh—um, you don’t have to do that! I’m just waiting in the lobby; I can wait until you have a longer break or something!”

“I can come now,” he says plainly. Then he hangs up on you. You sit back in the chair you’re sitting in and huff out a breath speechless. Never once has Ushijima left practice early. And now he’s just dipping out without hesitation because you’re a major idiot? You can’t fathom it, and the little voice in the back of your head that’s been slowly falling for him is absolutely swooning at the thought.

When he enters the gym again, Heiwajima finds him immediately, while the other members of the team look curiously on as he asks, “So, what’d she want?” Immensely interested in the fact that judging from his sweatpants and jacket over his practice clothes, Ushijima looks like he’s about to leave.

“She’s locked out of the apartment,” Ushijima explains as he heads towards the door.

The team looks around at each other surprised. They don’t get another word in as Ushijima explains to the coach the situation and says he’ll be back in less than hour. Then he’s out the door and a few of them start chuckling to themselves, while the more clueless members wonder why in the world Ushijima would willingly leave.

The gym isn’t far from the apartment, so it’s not long until you see Ushijima step through the front doors and sweep his gaze across the lobby. You greet him right away and the two of you get in the elevator. The silence is unbearable for you—though you’re sure he’s completely fine with it.

When you reach the door and he lets you in, you finally say, “Thank you. You really didn’t have to leave practice though; I could have waited.”

You swear his eyes soften, but it might just be your eyes playing tricks on you. He appreciates that you are being considerate for his time, but he found he wasn’t keen on the thought of you being locked out. It didn’t sit right with him. Not when he’s only 20 minutes away. He’ll be back in under an hour, and that’s better than you just sitting out here for several hours.

He just nods his head and says, “I’ll come anytime.”

At those words, that voice inside your head becomes a pathetic puddle and it’s an effort to keep your knees underneath you.

He can’t explain the way his heart lifts at the smile you give him. Stepping backwards into the apartment, you say as you’re closing the door, “See you when you get home.”

Home.

He’s surprised how that word coming out of your mouth makes him feel.

~

Any feeling of domesticity is thrown out the window the morning you’re walking around the apartment in one of his sweatshirts he lent you a few weeks back when you were cold. He’s stops in his tracks in the hallway seeing you in the kitchen at the stove cooking breakfast, his sweatshirt too big for you covering your shorts and just brushing your bare thighs.

Without giving him the chance to quell it, against his will, his dick strains against the front of his sweatpants and he rushes out the door with barely a goodbye in hopes you don’t see it. It doesn’t even go away on the train on the way to the gym, no matter how hard he tries. His thoughts subconsciously drift to the sight of you and how soft your thighs looked. It’s shocking to him how much he liked seeing you in his clothes. It was the same sort of sensation he felt when Tendo suggested you get yourself an Ushijima jersey—only it’s a hundred times worse.

He tries to ignore it, walking into the locker room like nothing is wrong, stripping his sweatpants and jacket off and shoving them into his locker before he looks around and sees Heiwajima staring at him with raised eyebrows. Then his eyes pointedly look downwards before he lifts them to meet Ushijima’s again. “You wanna deal with that before practice?”

“It’s fine.” He’s sure it’ll go away once he starts warming up.

But then his thoughts drift to you warming up and stretching in his clothes. You bending over, his sweatshirt sliding up your chest, revealing more of your ass and thighs as you count to ten. And any sort of effort he’d put forth to settle down is destroyed as his shorts feel uncomfortably tight. What is going on with him? He hasn’t been able to stop thinking of you as of late, and it’s only been getting worse.

Heiwajima just starts laughing. “Seriously dude, nobody wants to look at that all day.” Then he motions his head in the direction of the showers.

Ushijima’s eyes widen, realizing just what he’s suggesting. He hesitates for a moment, but eventually concedes. He won’t be able to play like this. Nobody seems to care as Ushijima grabs his towel and heads off to the showers, despite feeling distraught about what he’s about to do. He’s never really been one for masturbating, so it surprises him how easy it is to let you in his sweatshirt come to mind as he wraps a hand around his cock. And he comes a lot faster than he expects too.

That’s the first time he jerks off to the thought of you. He tries to brush it off as a necessity for him in order to practice well that day, but it soon becomes a terrible habit he can’t stop. Especially when you keep doing things that make him uncomfortably hard. Like still wearing those tiny shorts around the apartment, doing yoga in the living room, showing him your Ushijima jersey you finally ordered online—seriously, never in his life did he think this would ever become a problem.

He hardly knows what do with himself at this new infatuation.

~

Recently, you’ve started going out on dates because you’re beginning to feel this strange tension between you and Ushijima, and you have no idea how to deal with it besides letting some other guy pound you into a mattress while you ashamedly picture it being Ushijima instead. One night, when you’re bidding him goodbye as you’re on your way out the door, he asks you, “Will you be home tonight?”

Your heart stutters a bit at that word. Home. And then you feel disgustingly guilty that he’s noticed you don’t usually come back after these dates. Meaning you think even he can put the dots together on what you’re doing.

But really, he’s asking because what you’re wearing is already making his pants feel tight and even though it makes him feel a little ashamed, he needs to get his frustration out somewhere that you’re out spending the night with other guys. It makes him feel incredibly jealous—an emotion he’s not used to yet.

“Probably not,” you tell him, swallowing your pride about it and shutting the door.

For the next couple of hours, he tries to resist the demon in his head telling him to go sprawl out on his bed and think about you with his hand wrapped around his cock. But even after he makes dinner, works out, and takes a cold shower; it’s still there nagging at the back of his head. And he knows it won’t go away until he’s coming into his hand with your name spilling from his lips. He resigns himself to this becoming something he does now and heads off to his bedroom to satiate himself.

Your date is terrible. He wasn’t like this when you met him at the coffee shop last week, but tonight he must be feeling extra lucky. Enough to let his cocky, asshole nature shine through and you find yourself forcibly smiling your way through dinner. It doesn’t help that all you can think about is a certain stone-faced, stoic, gentleman who’s just sitting there waiting for you at your apartment. And just the thought of letting this guy touch you tonight makes your skin crawl. So, once the dinner is over, you end the date short, blaming it on not feeling well. He looks pretty put out that he won’t be getting his dick wet tonight, but you’re not inclined to care very much.

Unsurprisingly, the apartment is dark when you return. Ushijima goes to bed promptly at 9 o’clock every night, so you weren’t expecting to find him awake. So, you’re stunned into silence when you hear sounds emitting from his room on your way to yours. It sounds like he’s…panting? Is he working out?

Your brow furrows and your curiosity gets the better of you. You know it’s wrong, and such an invasion of privacy, but you just can’t stop your fingers closing around his doorknob, turning it slowly to just get a tiny peek into his room.

Your heart comes to a jarring halt at the sight you stumble upon.

Never, in your entire life, did you think you’d catch Ushijima Wakatoshi masturbating.

It never even occurred to you that is something he might do, not really seeming the type to.

And holy shit—is it a sight.

Your mouth involuntarily dries up at his enormous hand wrapped around his equally massive cock, pumping it from base to tip as his hips work in unison with his hand. His hair is a bit damp, and fuck—his cloudy, lust-filled gaze is making heat pool in your core. Additionally, he’s completely and utterly naked. Who the hell jerks off totally naked is beyond you, but you aren’t complaining as you watch the way the muscles of his abdomen ripple with each movement of his hips and breath he takes.

You could probably stand here watching him do this forever if you’re being honest.  

That is, until your name falls from his lips.

You swear the floor drops out from under you.

At first, you think he’s caught you. But you soon realize that is very much not the case. His hips start shuddering, his pace becoming erratic as he chases his orgasm and you’re suddenly struck by the thought of: you don’t want him to finish without you.

And before you can hesitate, you open his door fully and step into his bedroom.

His reaction is nothing like you imagined from someone who just got caught masturbating by their roommate who’s name not two seconds ago escaped his mouth. Anyone else would have yanked their hand away and scrambled to cover up. But not Ushijima.

To his credit, he does cover himself, but he does so in such a calm manner, you’re shocked. Plus, you can see he clearly still has his hand around his cock beneath the blanket. The two of you just look at each other for a few moments, and after what seems like eons of silence, he opens his mouth and says, “You said you weren’t going to be home.”

Your brows raise, amused he’s chosen that as his defense. “I think I said, ‘probably not’ actually.”

His expression doesn’t change as your gaze drifts downwards towards his impressive erection that somehow has not gone away despite that he’s lying there in all his naked glory caught red-handed.

You lick your lips subconsciously. “Can I help you?”

He wasn’t expecting that. Nor was he expecting the way his dick twitched in his grasp at your words. Or how heat is spreading across his entire body at the way you’re looking at him. Is he really going to let this happen? He’s pretty embarrassed you caught him, but you don’t seem phased at all. To him, you almost look…excited.

You don’t really wait for him to respond, taking the way he eyes you up hungrily as a yes, and stepping further into the room. Tentatively, you start lifting away the blanket he covered himself with, and he seems to be in a daze as you toss it aside, baring him for you to see. Glancing up at him, you see he’s breathing heavily, his pupils blown wide as he watches you—and while he may not be able to tell you with words how he feels, his body is telling you enough.

But you still want to make sure. Settling yourself between his thighs, you set a hand on each of them and squeeze lightly to get his attention. His olive gaze rises to meet yours and you ask, “Is this okay?”

Without hesitation, he replies, “Yes.”

And if you know Ushijima at all, he means what he says.

You get yourself a bit more comfortable between his legs, chastely kissing each of his thighs, finding it immensely ego boosting at the way they tremble at your touch. You make your way to the base of his cock and lick one stripe up to the tip. He groans quietly at the sensation, realizing his hand will never be enough again.

His fists curl into the sheets beneath him as you take his head into your mouth, and you fail to suppress the quiet groan that emits from you at how heavy he sits on your tongue. Your mind immediately wandering to what he might feel like inside you—if this goes that far, that is. His eyes haven’t left you, watching you intently as you take more of him into your mouth, the weight of his heady gaze making heat pool between your legs.

Steeling your confidence, you hold his stare as you take nearly all of him into your mouth and start bobbing along his length. A barely audible hiss escapes him, the muscles in his arms straining with how hard he’s fisting the sheets. Yet, you still have his rapt attention, and it makes you want to make him feel so good he has to close his eyes and lean his head back against his pillow.

The thought of having Ushijima Wakatoshi a puddle beneath you makes your thighs clench together. An action that surprisingly doesn’t go unnoticed by him.

In a matter of minutes, you’ve made him throw all qualms out the window and you soon get your wish of seeing him let go. His eyes close, head leaning back revealing the strong column of his neck, and his hips start to move in tandem with your bobbing motions. A guttural groan escapes him when you hollow out your cheeks, and the sound rumbles through you before adding to the growing ache between your legs.

You can’t imagine he’s even close to reaching the end of his stamina, but you are certainly losing patience. So, you pop off his cock, and start making the motions to undress so you can finally fulfill your fantasy of riding him.

He startles you by lifting himself to rest on his elbows, his deep voice filling the silence, “Wait.” You pause, your dress already halfway off. He sits up and pulls you into his lap, completely unbothered by the fact your clothed core is now sitting directly atop his prominent erection. “Let me,” he says so softly you think you might combust.

His hands replace yours, and he gingerly unzips the back of your dress and starts sliding it off your shoulders, each inch of newly exposed skin met by the soft press of his lips. You have no idea if he’s ever been with anyone before, but whatever he’s doing is making your insides scramble and burn. His movements are slow and meticulous, like he’s savoring each touch are you’re positively melting in his lap.

Eventually, you have to stand up to shimmy the dress down your legs, but he sits at the edge of the bed waiting patiently before his large hands rest at your hips and pull you back into his lap. Now you’re looking down at him, so you lean down and press your lips against his.

He’s somewhere else entirely—heaven, maybe, as you kiss him. Your lips are soft, body pliant and warm against his as his fingers dig into the plush skin of your hips. He groans involuntarily when your fingers slide into the hair at the base of his neck, tilting his head so you can kiss him even deeper. You’re pleasantly surprised when his tongue darts out questioningly and you happily open your mouth for him.

I’m doomed, you think as his tongue sweeps in at the same time he uses his hands at your waist to grind you down onto his hips. He feels absolutely huge beneath you, and you have no idea if he will even fucking fit inside you. “Fuck…Wakatoshi,” you breathe. His fingers grip a little harder at your voice saying his name like that, but you’re too dazed to notice what it does to him. You continue, “Fuck me, please.”

He makes a noise in the back of his throat, and for a moment you think he’s going to comply with your request. Instead, he murmurs, “Not yet.”

You almost pout, but then he’s unclasping your bra and lifting you to set you down on the bed. He doesn’t waste much time ridding you of your underwear next, and you have to resist the urge to cover yourself as he stares at you with a near predatory look in his eyes. “You’re perfect,” he says, clear as day and you feel heat course through your veins at his words.

He’s looking at you like you’re the only thing in the world to him right now. The intensity of his wanton gaze making you squirm beneath it until he lays his body over yours, the comforting weight of him pressing against your skin as he takes your lips again. He elicits a moan from you, his fingers dancing along your sides and his tongue sweeping into your mouth, making you nothing more than a trembling mess underneath him.

His lips leave yours, but he slowly begins trailing kisses along your jaw, down your neck and across your collarbone; almost as if he’s worshipping every inch of your skin before he reaches your breasts. He takes both of them into his enormous hands, the callouses of his fingers scratching along the supple flesh, making your back arch into his touch. Pressing a chaste kiss to your sternum, he rolls your nipples between his fingers, all while keeping his steady gaze on you. And you have no idea how the simple action of him just teasing your nipples while pinning you with those olive eyes is so unbelievably erotic your head begins to feel light.

And then he takes one of them into his mouth and you about lose your goddamn mind. How the fuck does he know exactly what to do? In the time you’ve known him you’ve never once seen him be even remotely interested in anyone. But at this point, you’re well past the point of caring how he learned his way around a woman’s body.

His tongue laps at the pert bud, all while he keeps his meticulous pace on your other nipple before turning the attention of his mouth to it. Without thinking much of it, your fingers dive into his hair, curling into the strands as he continues his worshipping. Though it does pull a deep rumble of pleasure from his chest that goes straight between your legs.

“Wakatoshi,” you pant breathlessly, chest heaving, desperate for him to do something about the growing ache at the apex of your thighs.

This time, he seems to heed your words. He pops off your breast and wanders with his lips down the expanse of your stomach, his hands finding purchase at your hips as he settles himself between your thighs. Your thighs tremble in anticipation as he presses soft kisses to each of them, fingers kneading your hips and pulling you closer to his mouth.

Never in your life did you think you’d have Ushijima Wakatoshi between your legs, looking for all the world like he’s about to devour you.

He groans as he slides his tongue between your folds, drunk on how wet you already are. And despite the fact his cock is throbbing almost painfully and leaking on the sheets, he knows to take his time. If you want him to fuck you, he has to make sure you’re ready for him.

You throw your head back, fingers fisting into the sheets as a lewd moan escapes your throat that only makes him bury his face even deeper into you. His tongue finds the bundle of nerves at the apex and sweeps across it, moving in small circles that have you finding purchase in his hair to keep him there as you move your hips in unison with his tongue.

A loud gasp fills the air as one of his thick fingers enters you, the ministrations of his tongue not stopping as he slowly pumps it in and out of your core. He’s kept his attention on you this entire time, his gaze never wavering as he watches you fall apart at his mercy. And he finds he’s thoroughly pleased at how easily his finger slipped into you, enough that he tentatively prods another one at your entrance that after a moment slides in without any resistance.

It’s so satisfying that he buries his face even deeper, his tongue pressing harder against your clit as you fuck yourself on his fingers. At the sensation of his second finger, your own find purchase in his hair, babbling utter nonsense that if you were in a clearer state of mind you might be a little embarrassed about.

“Please,” you beg, desperate for his cock inside you, “fuck me Wakatoshi. I want you inside me.”

He nearly falls apart at your needy request, but he isn’t finished yet.

You continue to plead with him, until you abruptly feel the absence of his tongue and you look down to find him staring intensely at you. Your throat clams up at his smoldering gaze as he says simply, “You aren’t ready.”

Your mouth drops open as you blink in surprise. Is he joking? Are you not frantically fucking yourself on his fingers right now, desperately asking for him to be inside you? How can you possibly be anymore ‘ready’?

“What are you talking about?”

Now his eyes drop, and very quietly he murmurs, “I’ve been told I am…quite large.”

“By who?” You blurt.

All he says is, “Others.”

You decide to leave it at that, your attention traveling to his erect cock, it pulsing so hard you can almost see it and dripping from the tip. You swallow nervously trying to imagine that going inside you. Ushijima just watches you eye him, his two fingers still knuckle deep in you, which he seems to have forgotten about as he angles his head in question. “Do you want to keep going?”

Warmth blooms in your chest at his concern. “I would very much like to,” you reply, smiling innocently at him, despite the fact the position you’re in is very much the opposite of innocent.

And the answering small smile he gives you makes your stomach flutter. It’s so soft and dazzling, it nearly knocks all the breath out of you. He presses his lips to your inner thigh, smiling against your skin, and all you can do is stare in awe of him.

Then, as if remembering where is fingers still are, he drags them slowly out of you, his mouth latching on to your clit once again before sliding them easily back in. Soon, he’s got you writhing on his fingers once more, toes curling and your own fingers gripping onto his bicep you can feel flexing with each thrust of his hand.

He waits a bit longer, until his fingers are soaked with your wetness again, before tentatively prodding a third finger at your entrance. He stifles his groan against you when he finds that it slips in along with the others effortlessly. Particularly as the grip you have on his biceps tightens, nails digging into his skin and eyes flaring open at the new sensation.

“Fu—fuck,” you mewl, holding on to him for dear life as he continues his slow and methodical pace. At this point, you’re practically shoving yourself onto his fingers, wanting him to fuck you deeper and trying to match the pace at which his tongue is flicking against your clit. The sensation becomes overwhelming, your thighs starting to tremble with the effort to not come around his fingers and mouth.

“Wakatoshi, please—I’m going to—,” you try to warn him, nails digging so hard into his arms that you’re leaving small crescent indents in his skin. He doesn’t stop though, not until you’re practically sobbing, “Let me come on your cock, please.”

That seems to be his undoing. His fingers and mouth abruptly leave you, eliciting a small sound of discontent from you. But you quickly shut your mouth at the sight of him leaning over you, aligning his hips with yours, one massive hand palmed around his cock as he pushes forward.

When the head of his cock sinks into you, a strangled gasp rips from your throat at just how utterly massive he is. Instinctively, your fingers wrap around his wrist to keep him from going any deeper as you say, “Slow.”

His brow is furrowed in concentration, as if it’s taking all of his willpower to keep from snapping his hips forward and sinking to the hilt in you. “Of course,” he growls, his voice taking on a deep tone that makes your toes curl.

And inch by glorious inch, he pushes deeper into you. His forearms coming to rest on either side of your head as he takes your lips to distract you from him nearly splitting you wide open. You tug him closer, fingers tangling in his olive hair, slanting your mouth against his and slipping your tongue inside which he gladly allows.

Eventually, his hips meet yours, and he pulls away to rest his forehead against yours, his toned chest rising and falling with the deep breaths he has to take in order to keep his sanity. The feeling of your tight walls clamping down around him is enough to make him hiss through his teeth, “Shit.”

The word alone makes heat pool in your core. Ushijima Wakatoshi never swears.

“Holy fucking shit.” You correct him. He’s seated fully inside you and you’ve never felt so full in your entire life. Your legs splayed out to either side from just how big he is, and once glance down confirms his thick thighs are shaking with the effort to be gentle.

He just shakes his head at your crass words, then pulls out slightly before ramming his hips back into yours. Wrapping your arms around his neck, you pull him close to you, your chest meeting his and his head finding the crook of your neck and he begins slowly. And while you’re very much enjoying each of his careful, deep thrusts, you very much would like to be pounded into his mattress. You’re certain he can.

You wonder if he’ll dirty talk with you.

Running your fingers through his dampening hair, you whisper against his ear, “You feel so good, Wakatoshi.” He merely responds with a kiss against your neck and a small approving growl that makes you keep going. “You know what I thought about anytime I was in someone else’s bed?” He makes no indication whether or not he likes you talking to him, so you press on. “This,” you murmur, “You.”

He stops, and for a second you think you’ve gone too far. But then he rises from your neck, and you swear to god—you almost come on the spot at the carnal glint gleaming in his eyes. Like he is about to utterly and completely destroy you. Your entire body buzzes with anticipation as he finally draws his cock almost all the way out of you before driving his hips home in a way that sends you into total euphoria.

His pace becomes brutal, his hips punishing, wordlessly making you realize it was a mistake for you to ever think anyone but him should be between your legs. It was pure luck you stumbled onto something you didn’t realize—he was immensely jealous every time you came home in the morning, clearly having spent the night with someone else.

It drives him so wild that he growls against your lips, “You’re mine.”

The words are so deliciously possessive, you can’t help the way your walls tighten around him, nor how your legs wrap around his waist and start helping him with each thrust of his hips.

“Yours,” you say, lips brushing against his. His hands wander down your sides, fingers digging into your hips pulling you even closer so that there is virtually no space between your bodies. He’s resting almost his entire weight on you, and his warmth and build is so strangely erotic, the coil in your stomach winds tighter and you can feel your impending orgasm begin to climb.

He cages you in his arms, hips never relenting, seemingly chasing his own release. His quiet grunts of pleasure are going straight between your legs, and you can’t help but start exploring the expanse of his exquisitely toned chest pulling an even deeper sigh from him making you almost melt on the spot. Your hands eventually find a place to rest in the dimples of his hips, relishing the sensation of his muscles moving beneath your fingers.

He refuses to finish before you, no matter how unbelievably tight you’re pulsating around him. So, he reaches between your bodies, fingers finding your clit, pride filling his chest at how you moan lewdly; your head falling back and fingers grappling even harder onto his hips. He takes the opportunity to press kisses to your throat, shoulders, collarbone—any expanse of skin he can get his mouth on.

“Fuck—yes,” you groan, hands leaving his hips to weave their way into his hair, using your legs to push him even deeper and meeting each of his thrusts with your own. You start quivering under him, your body preparing for the onslaught of pleasure rising in your chest, threatening to snap at any moment.

You come completely undone when Ushijima commands, “Come for me.”

Something about his husky, lust filled tone; his lips making their mark all over your skin, and the harsh thrust of his hips sends you over the edge. Your body bows off the bed, and Ushijima meets you, his arms wrapping around your middle to press you against his chest as his lips latch onto your neck and he buries himself to the hilt in your wet heat.

For the second time tonight, he curses quietly, holding you to him as your walls pulse with your orgasm and he finds his own release alongside you. You hold on to his shoulders for dear life as waves of pleasure roll through you, your body spasming in his grip all while he kisses you softly. It’s tender and erotic at the same time. As you start to calm down, he claims your lips, tongue sweeping in as you push his damp hair off his forehead before cupping his cheeks.

He pulls away from you, only to set his forehead against yours, your warm breath mingling. Both of your chests are still heaving, and although it’s silent, it’s comforting as he holds you.

After a moment, you open your eyes and find his closed, his lips curved into a barely noticeable smile. It fills your heart seeing him look so…content. “Wakatoshi?” You say quietly. His eyes open and your throat closes at just how handsome he is. “I…I like you.” Your eyes close now, embarrassed at how pathetic that sounded.

“I’d hope so.”

Your eyes burst open finding him looking at you comically seriously. You know he doesn’t mean it as a joke, but you can’t help the smile that rises to your lips. He gazes at you curiously as you ask, “And? Do you like me?” As if his softening dick isn’t still inside you right now.

Though, it still makes your heart flip when he replies without hesitation, “Yes.”

“Good.” You grin. “I’d hope so.”

You kiss him again before he finally pulls out of you and without a word, he gets off the bed and disappears out into the hallway. You grimace at the mess between your legs but are pleasantly surprised when he returns with a warm towel to clean yourself up with. While you deal with the mess, he rummages around in his drawers and at first you think he’s looking for clothes for himself, until he hands you a pair of his briefs and a t-shirt.

You must eye them curiously because he sets them on the bed saying, “Sleep with me.” He doesn’t word it like a question.

Taking the clothes, you smile teasingly up at him. “I just did.”

To nobody’s surprise, he’s relatively unfazed. “Overnight,” he explains further. “In my bed.” Though the light dusting of pink coloring his cheeks as he says this makes you want to smother him with kisses all over again.

You slip on his clothes and climb beneath the sheets as your response. You watch him dress, marveling over the muscles shifting in his back and arms until he covers them and joins you in the bed. He draws you close to his side, letting you run your fingers across his cheek before settling at his chin and pulling his lips to yours. You kiss lazily until you both grow tired and you tuck your head under his chin, letting his fingers intertwine with yours and enjoying the affectionate kiss he presses to the top of your head.

He surprises you when he says into the silence, “Are we going to do that again?”

The chuckle that escapes you is by no means meant to be mean. He just fucked you better than anyone in your entire life and if you were in deep shit falling for him before this—you’re doomed now. Yet, you don’t mind in the slightest. Not when being here in his arms feels exactly where you should be.

So, you kiss his neck and reply softly, “Yes.”

You don’t see his answering smile.

~

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