#Let me meet my muppet sounding shorting king

[housederiva]

I’m so delusional about which voice actor I want to be playing a specific member of the veilguard that I’m over here cross referencing Critical Role’s schedule with BioWare’s at SDCC and hohoho the optimism bubble hasn’t been popped yet

[mynameisjag]

For @help-i-need-a-cool-username

Sorry it took so long!

MCU Poolverine meets 97' pre-Morpherine?

Scott has a bad day...

“Are they…chittering at each other?”

“Like fucking stressed out cats.”

Sure enough, that was the sound.

“I’m sorry, he usually isn’t so…”

“Feral? Mine is, it’s good for them to let loose once in awhile, keeps the angry muppet faces from happening too often.”

“Yours does it too?,” Morph turned toward their new…friend?...acquaintance?, “so, I’m Morph and the short man doing the impression of a guard dog is Wolverine.”

“Deadpool and the taller man acting like a cat on catnip is my Wolverine! I like how yours is a short King with blue hair.”

“Thank you? Umm, yours is,” currently ripping a car tire off and chucking at his Logan, “destroying Cyclop's car?”

“Yeah, he does that, it makes him feel better.”

The tire went sailing by them as Logan dodged it, rolling out of the way, only to get tackled as soon as he stood up.

“What is going on out here-what happened to my car!?”

Sure enough, Scott was standing at the top of the mansion stairs having just exited, car keys dangling in one hand as he watched the visitor Logan get thrown backwards into it, turn midair to position himself to springboard off the car back towards the other Wolverine. The force of the ricochet pushing the vehicle sideways into the stone fence wall, getting stuck half through it.

“I was gone less then five minutes, I just came back to grab my wallet?!”

“The girls are fighting,” Deadpool ignores the confused look the X-men leader sent his way, and cupped his hands around his covered mouth, “Hey, Peanut, stop playing and come say hi. You’re making us look rude!”, he turned back to Morph, hands now going to his hips, “I’ve swear I’ve taught him manners, though maybe using whiskey as a motivator isn’t the best thing to teach him with.”

Both of the fighting men glanced over at the group, huffing a little before putting back their claws, still giving each other the side eye as they started to walk over.

Scott took a deep breath through his nose, turning toward his team member that wasn’t destroying the yard, “Morph, care to explain.”

“I don’t know what to tell you, the sky opened up and this two fell on top of us and Logan took some real offensive to be squished.”

“Took offensive to them squishing you, you can’t spring back up like I can.”

“Awe, there’s that Wolvie overprotection, a universal trait.”, the red clad hero threw his arm around his partner's shoulders and laying his head against his.

“I will and have thrown you into a mob of gunfire.”, the other Wolverine accepted the touches, even going as far as to look more relaxed.

“Only because you know I like it!”

Morph shared a look with their world’s Logan, the other giving a one shoulder shrug in confusion.

Scott seemed just as confused, “I’m sorry, he throws you into bullets?”

“Worried about little ole me!? Don’t be getting your Superhero panties in a twist, bullets can’t do shit to me, besides I enjoy it. Getting him riled up and being tossed across whole rooms is part of the fun of it.”

“Who are you two? Why are you destroying our stuff?”

“Jeez, Introductions again, fine, I’m Deadpool, again, and this is my Wolverine, again, if it gets too confusing for you to keep up with who is who, well, I like to call him, Peanut, Majesty, Honey Badger, Furiosa, Papi, Mami, Angel Face, Babygirl-“

“If you don’t pick something to call me, he is going to keep going.”

“-my meow meow, homeslice from the deep woods, Jessica-“

“Jessica?”

“Jessica it is!,” the man turned and pressed his covered lips to his partners cheek, giving a dramatic kissing sound, “Muah, the Jessica to my Roger Rabbit, the movie version of course.”

“Jessica”, let out a deep tired sounding sigh, “Just call me James.”

Scott turned toward the destroyed car then back to them, “Jessica.”

The newly dubbed ‘Jessica’ face went from neutral to scowling, Deadpool pinched his cheek, “and there’s the angry muppet face back with full force!”, he caught himself from falling over as he was shrugged off, giggling slightly as he refocused on the three bystanders, “Any who, you and everyone else is probably wondering what the hell is going on, and the truth is-“

“-Dumbass here ass dialed us to the wrong universe.”

Morph watched as Logan seemed to sniff the air, taking a half step toward the other him, who instantly noticed, they themselves ignored the situation that was about to happen and refocused on the man in red, “How do you “ass dial” to the wrong universe?”

“Mostly by failing a split and falling hard on the device in your back pocket, that may or may not be stolen, which takes you, your partner and your kids that were nearby into another universe-oh fuck-we gotta find mini-Wolvie and little Miss Mary.”

“Who?”

“Mine and Jessica’s babygirls! Mini takes right after her Daddy and Mary has my good looks!”

Morph blinked, “You two…together…have kids?”

“The dog is not a our kid!”, the Wolverine’s were circling each other again, more curious then ready to fight again.

“But you agree your mini is both of ours!”

Another slow blink before Morph leaned closer to Deadpool, ignoring Scott heading toward his destroyed car and the other two sniffing each other?, they plastered a big smile on their face, “So kids, partners, cute nicknames, sounds like you two are close.”

“More then just close, but don’t you worry, I’m pretty sure I don’t exist in this world, little off limits apparently, sooo,” the merc pulled the other closer to him, shoulder to shoulder as he directed their attention over to the two Wolverines trying to pull the car out of the fence wall as Scott directed them, “I gotta make sure my boy is taken care of in all worlds, and since I’m not here, that leaves that responsibility to you!”

“Excuse me, why would-“

“-Nope! No excuses with me around, either you get your shit together or I’m going to see if two Logan’s can live together, most likely no, but it will be fun to find out! Like having a full course meal with a little dessert on the side. Someone is going to be overstuffed in the end.”

The car rolled by them sideways, coming to a stop upside, Morph just sighed fondly as Logan waved at them before jumping up on the vehicle, the variant right behind them as they both stared down a fuming Scott, “How can you stay mad at him, look at him, he’s never seen the top of a shelf before.”

“See you get it, I bet you’re his Roger Rabbit too.”

They're side-eye could kill a person, “What does that mean?”

“Simple, you can make him laugh," there was a nonchalant one shoulder shrug, "you've already got a place in his heart with that gesture alone."

“…oh…”

“Look at that face, realization baby, bet his nose scrunches up and he snorts, bet he play fights with you, bet you get drinks together-“

“-please shut up, I’m having a crisis.”

“You’re an X-man…X-person?, whatever, you should be used to crisis, both personal and external by now, so nut up buttercup, we are going to get you your little stinky bear cat."

Deadpool gave them an enthusiastic thumbs up...Morph just sighed in resignation.

[birdy-bat-writes]

Lovesick

Word count: 1.9k

Summary: Damian wants to confess to you but he sees someone leaving your apartment. The night goes by with him trying to get a hold of his feeling and try to express them.

Warnings: Intense fluff and some cheesiness.

Pairing: Damian x Gender-neutral reader

Thanks. @anothertimdrakestan for last night’s conversation that inspired this and thank you @animefangurl1981 for calling me a “fluffy bitch” because you were right :) Enjoy some fluff people!!!

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Today was the day. Damian Wayne decided he was going to tell you how he felt about you. He didn’t know what prompted him to do something like this tonight, out of the blue but he was ready to. He didn’t take a car, just began walking to your building. The walk turned into a jog when it started to drizzle and then rain. He reached the gate, butterflies in his stomach, and then he saw you hugging a man. The butterflies now felt like bullets striking into him. Who is that?

"You sure you don't want me to drive you there?" He heard you ask. Damian’s heart shattered.

"Stop worrying I'll be fine. I'll text you when I get home." Damian turned away with an ache in his chest and just stood there in the pouring rain. The man’s car passed through the gateway and he glowered at its tires as it drove away. He marched around the building and paced around the lobby for maybe the thirty minutes. The heat radiating off of his body from sheer anger was enough to keep the cold at bay.

"What are you doing out here?!" He turned to find you in your pajamas, brightly colored rain boots and a big umbrella over your head. He had thousands of thoughts going through his head and he wanted to scream, shout, say anything. He wanted to confess, demand to know who just left your apartment and scream at the sky all at once but for some reason, the ability to speak flew out the window as soon as he saw you standing in front of him wide eyed, concerned and confused. He didn't like seeing you upset or worried in any way, and in his head and heart, that took priority over what he had to say. He realized he had been standing there for nearly 10 seconds without saying a word, so he mustered up to the strength to say something when, "You are going to catch a cold, you absolute Muppet!" You grabbed him by the wrist and dragged him up the stairs. "Its 40 degrees Fahrenheit! And raining! What are you doing here and why didn't you come up to the apartment? You’re soaked." The questioning continued all the way up with only short, curt answers from him. His voice softened slightly when you stopped talking and just looked at him with genuine worry.

"I'm fine, Y/N I just wanted to see you. I got stuck in the rain." There was way more to that than he was letting on and you knew it. He even knew that you knew it, but the great thing about being best friends is that you knew when not to pry, and you both knew that when he was ready, he would tell you. Right now, your main concern was getting him out of these wet clothes and into something warmer. You appeared in front on him with a towel in hand.

"Take off your shirt."

"What?" Evidently, you didn’t realize how that sounded.

"Actually, just go have a warm shower, you already look like you've caught a cold." You handed him the towel. Everything from the way he stood stiff as a board to the way he couldn't meet your eyes gave away his intense agitation. With a softer voice, you continued, "I’ll leave some dry clothes on the bed. After that we can watch movies or just talk. What are we feeling tonight? Chinese take-out? Italian?" The corners of your mouth turned up a little at the end. It was clearly contagious because he looked up a little and said with a slight smirk,

"Y/N, who would pick Chinese over Italian?" You smiled back at him and walked off to place the order while he walked over to your bathroom. It wasn't until the warm water hit his skin that he realized how cold he really felt. Most people think and let their mind wander while they shower but all Damian needed right now was to clear his head. A good 20 minutes later, he stepped out and saw a black sweatshirt and a pair of gray sweatpants on your bed, complete with a pair of rainbow tube socks. He shook his head in amusement, knowing that you picked the rainbow ones on purpose. After getting dressed, he stepped in front of the mirror and raked his fingers through his still wet hair, taking notice of how familiar this sweatshirt looked. Deciding not to dwell on it, he made his to the living room.

"Good news, the Italian place delivers so it should be- why is your hair still wet?"

"Tt, it will dry soon enough." You just looked at him blankly and sighed. He watched you walk right past him and into your bedroom and return with a hairdryer and his damp towel in hand. You motioned for him to sit down on the couch and plugged the dryer into the outlet.

"We can watch 101 Dalmatians if you want" He scrunched up his face while you jostled the towel around his head. It was actually quite funny.

"We can watch anything you want." You turned the dryer on and hovered it over his head, making sure to gently hold his forehead so hair didn't fly on it.

"Lion King then, also, I think you have a fever. Your forehead is warm."

"It’s probably the heat from the dryer you're feeling."

"Deny it all you want, but remember if I don't take care of you, Alfred will. There's no escape." His body relaxed slightly, and you took this opportunity to lay his head back against your stomach, lightly combing through his dark locks with your fingers.

Ever since Damian saw that man, he had been a little broken. Nothing felt right with the world. The world was right when you would hug him and hold on tighter when you thought he would let go, and when you laughed so hard you would stumble, the world was right when you were with him and when he was with you because you were, are and will always be his world. Things still weren't clear, and he didn't yet have the courage to ask about the man, but for now, your hands in his hair and your sarcasm were enough to bring him comfort. You turned off the dryer when his hair was dry and combed the front slightly to the side. When you moved in front of him to admire your work, you had to bite back a laugh. His hair wasn't in its usual tame form, but instead slightly wavy and very fluffy, with tufts of it sticking up in every direction.

Eventually you couldn't hide your laughter which caused Damian to toss a pillow at you!

"Alright, what did you do to my hair?"

“I dried it!” He started walking up to holding another pillow when the doorbell rang. Saved by the bell.

You laid the food out on the table and picked up your boxes, opting to eat in front of the TV. Damian took the spot next you with his food and started flipping through networks until he found Disney+. Various dramatizations of Hakuna Matata, and a few “Fight me’s” later, you both put away your boxes and sat back down. He noticed the way you huddled close to him and pulled a blanket over the two of you. Warmth coursed through your body and you felt yourself relax. He expected you to move away but instead, you rested one arm on his chest and pulled your body closer to his. "Dami, are you okay?"

"Yes. Why wouldn't I be?"

"You just didn't seem yourself today."

"Y/n, who's clothes are these?"

"The sweatpants are my brother's and the sweatshirt is yours actually. Well, was yours. It's mine now."

"Hold on, mine?"

“It was that one time we had dinner at your place, when my shirt tore. And I was hiding upstairs so no one would see it and then you came and asked me what was wrong and when I told you, you gave me this. When I wore it, you took me back downstairs and complained-"

"That no one there was fun to talk to except for you." You breathed out and smiled against the soft material of the sweatshirt.

"I offered to give it back once, but you told me I could keep it. I love this thing." You couldn't see it but Damian was looking down at you with a smile. How can a person be so cute? No wonder that man was here. Anyone would fall for you.

"Y/N, there was a man here earlier, right?" You raised your head up in question.

"Yeah. My brother stopped by today for lunch." Hold the phone. Brother?!

"Your brother...?"

"He’s going on a business trip tonight, so he spent some time here before he left. How did you know?"

"I saw his car leave." He sniffled. Oh my gosh it made sense now! If you were seeing someone you would have told him. There was nothing for him to worry about now.

"Y/N-"

"I'll be right back." you said, getting up. A few short minutes later, you arrived with a thermometer, cough drops, cold medicine, tissues and vapo- rub.

"Ok, put the vapor rub on your chest, and say ah."

"This is undignified."

"I could always call Alfred." With and eye roll, he opened his mouth. 100 degrees.

"You have a fever." To be honest, he had a bit of a headache, but it was nothing he couldn't handle. And he had tissues for the leaking nose. In all honesty, Damian did not want to admit that he was sick, nor that he got sick because of his stubbornness and silliness. "You're spending the night over. Want me to put some spare blankets in the guest Room?"

"I appreciate it, but you don't have to do all of this. I can take care of myself."

"I know you can, but you don't have to all the time. And besides you'd do the same for me if I was sick. Plus, more scolding and more blankets." Your generosity always astounded him. You were one of the few people who didn't make help seem like charity and he trusted you enough to be vulnerable around you because you never made him feel weak. You always lifted each other up, and he loved that.

"Thank you."

“You're more than welcome." You said, dabbing some vapor rub on his nose and hugging him once more.  His hand instinctively went up your head and stroked your hair.

"Y/n do you like someone?"

"Yeah, do you?

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"Do you?"

"Yes."

“Who?”

"I asked you first!" It wasn't normal for him to pull a card like that.

"Ok, pinky promise, I'll tell you if you me." He just looked at your hand on his chest, uncurled your fingers and slide them between his, gently rubbing the side of your thumb.

"You."

"Really?" He felt your voice shake and stopped.

"Who's yours?"

"You." The two of you sat there in an exasperated silence. You were both happy and speechless. The silence was broken by a sneeze, courtesy of Damian. "Bless you."

"I can’t believe you didn’t tell me!”

“You didn’t tell me!”

“How long?”

“A while. How about you?”

“Long enough to fall in love with you.”

"I probably love you more." You challenged, blushing.

"Not-" your lips were on his. He let himself melt into you. The kiss was slow but deep, conveying the years of yearning and love you had for one another. Then his better judgement kicked it and he pulled away. "You'll get sick."

"I don't care, I just really had to kiss you."

"Oh god, you're so cheesy.”

"You love it, love bug."

"No." He laughed out.

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Taglist: @anothertimdrakestan

[1ddiscourseoftheday]

Mon 20 May

Location location location- did you know the town hall where the Two Of Us video was filmed was the venue where Queen played their first show? Amazing! Were you wondering why Harry was wandering around Hollywood Blvd amongst the tourists? I don't claim to know, but I will tell you that he was apparently right outside the hotel Lottie and Lou Teasdale had just checked into that day... Did you know who else is in L.A.? That I do know, it's Louis!

But let's back up a bit. Harry content is absolutely off the charts so let's start at the beginning. First we got a video of Harry looking really confused on Hollywood Blvd from the evening of the 18th when a routine photo op takes a turn and the fan does a fancy hat trick (no like with an actual hat). Some of Harry's confusion may stem from being baked af if my eyes don't deceive me but he might just be tired from getting too much sun, whatever the reason it's all charmingly awkward. Then we got SO MANY pap pics of Harry frolicking on the beach in Malibu looking like he just won the xiallympics a carefree dork, bless, (on the 18th) in little yellow shorts tucked up cause they were idk not short enough I guess (Outdoor Voices, such a multitasker), a tie-dye t-shirt with unicorns rubbing their horns together, wild curls and a big smile. There are dogs! New tattoos!* Frisbees! Footballs! Beanbags! (Apparently this is a game called CORNHOLE about which I have NO COMMENT but I bet Harry had plenty of comments) ANYWAY he's with the Gerbers and Azoffs and getting papped and wearing promotional gear, but regardless it looks like he's having a blast so I'm glad for him, that's the way to fold in business with fun. Those pics were released today and then about an hour later the new Gucci campaign pics dropped and talk about the duality of Harry Styles, you could get whiplash looking from that goofy beach muppet to aesthetic fashion king Harry draped in velvet declaiming dramatically and brandishing taxidermy geese while smoldering away. The bandana and casual hair kind of show the cracks in his Serious facade though, maybe he should get some modeling tips from Niall. (JK I think he knows we like it better when it's a little bit him in there too.) In any case, something he's doing is definitely working; HS1 is back on the charts, re-entering the Billboard top 200 at #111.

*New tattoos: Writing on his legs, not definitively visible but it looks like one says California in script and there's speculation about the knee tats but it's not certain, but there are definitely four and not two as previously thought so can we please lay the theories about the si and no to rest now? those were embarrassing.

More Louis interview content today via ODE! He talks about how important the fans are to him, about thinking about them and about including them in every step of the process. He says, "other people... do it different, they go for more of the aspirational outlook but for me I want... me to feel like one of them, like we are doing it together as a team. It's important to me" and says again how in awe of the fans he is, that we are "grafters" and that "it's like they work hard to be amazing fans." As mentioned above, he also took a fan pic yesterday in L.A.

Huse Monfaradi, who is loving the (well deserved) attention to his work and making up for all those videos we know nothing about the people or process behind, talks about the making of the TOU video and tells us that the concept was Louis', but that he chose the location.

Liam posted THREE (3!) studio pics with the caption, 'if you scroll right far enough you'll almost see new music' EXCUSE ME is that meant to be funny?! Listen pal people wanna know what the heck is going on you're just teasing! Rude. Anyway super cute happy pics though, taken by Conor Butler, who, if you were wondering (as I was), is the person who makes the little movies for Liam, and takes his pics, and travels around and hangs out with him.

The Zayn and Zhavia version of A Whole New World is not on the Billboard 100 chart but made the Bubbling Under chart which "ranks the Top 25 songs that have yet to appear on the actual Hot 100" which you would think would just mean numbers 101-125 but they factor in streaming, among other things.

Niall registered three new songs, Let Me Introduce You, Nice To Meet You, and Take Me Back. Sounds like a storyline, dare I hope for a musical?? (Answer, no). Ruth Anne Cunningham and Julian Bunetta are cowriters on two. He also swooned over a fancy golf course where he's scheduled to play in a tournament next year and a golf podcast interview with him came out.

[analogscum]

DON’S PLUM (2001, d. R.D. Robb)

Why is it, my dear Scumbags, that forbidden fruit is the sweetest fruit of all? Why is it that, when we know that we can’t have something, it only makes us want it that much more? This applies to any number of life’s pleasures, but especially to movies. Just think of the number of films that are out there, just waiting to be viewed, but because they’ve either been lost to time, or the powers that be have locked them away somewhere, we may never get to experience. London After Midnight. The Day the Clown Cried. Until recently, anyway, The Other Side of the Wind. Well, tonight, thanks to the magic of illegal YouTube uploads, I’m here to tell you about some of that forbidden fruit. We’re going to talk about a film that its stars do not want you to see (if you live in America or Canada, that is), a film that to this day they continue to try and bury via any legal shenanigans they can. So get ready, because it’s time to take a big juicy bite out of Don’s Plum.

To start, we must talk about the nineties. In the nineties, two big things happened that allowed Don’s Plum to come into existence: the advent of low-budget Indies with cool kids talking in verbose, provocative lingo (see: Pulp Fiction, Clerks, Reality Bites, Kids, etc.), and the teen heartthrob coronation of Leonardo DiCaprio. As an infamous New York magazine profile from 1998 established, young Leo ran with a gang of fellow young thespians who would be immortalized as “the Pussy Posse.” The modus operandi of the Pussy Posse was…well, you can probably guess what it was. These guys were all about scoring chicks and getting loaded and not tipping waitresses, and they lived like goddamn boy kings. Leo was the leader, with his two best friends Tobey Maguire and Kevin Connolly on either side of the pussy throne. Other members of the Pussy Posse included David Blaine, Lucas Haas, and R.D. Robb, who you undoubtedly remember as the kid who played Schwartz in A Christmas Story. Anyway, around 1995, Robb had a boffo idea: if I could get my hands on a camera and some black and white film, I could shoot my friends doing what we do every night, just hanging out acting like douchebags, and somehow this will magically congeal into a smash indie hit. So Leo and Tobey, who were allegedly under the impression that this was just going to be a short film, gave Robb a bunch of money to make this thing, which he did, casting Leo, Tobey, Kevin Connolly, and a bunch of their other friends, shooting on and off for a two year period, with the young actors improvising almost all of their dialogue. And with that, let’s get into the finished film itself, shall we?

Los Angeles. The mid to late nineties. Everything is in black and white and super fuckin’ suave, because, again, it’s Los Angeles in the mid to late nineties. Jeremy Sisto is driving a pickup truck with leopard print seats. He kicks a hippie chick out of the passenger seat, mumbling something about “I need…pleasure. And…I need…to know that with…BRUTE FORCE, I got you out of my life, mmkay?” So, uh, right off the bat, um, that dialogue. Yikes, right? The hippie chick, for her part, gets very angry and yells, “You were supposed to take me to Vegas!” Don’t worry, we never find out why she was going to Vegas in the first place, or who Jeremy Sisto’s character is, because he then promptly drives out of the movie. Bye, Jeremy Sisto! Beep beep!

Cut to Tobey Maguire, who looks like he just finished going through puberty roughly five minutes before Robb called “action!” He’s got a dopey look on his face, and an unfortunate bowl cut/chin scruff combo that makes him look like Shaggy from Scooby Doo. He’s sitting in a moody mid to late nineties café, drinking a comically large cappuccino, and half paying attention to the absolute worst goddamn music I have ever heard in my life. The end credits describe this band as “acid jazz,” but I think a more accurate description would be “music to try and swallow your own tongue to.” It’s like a fiendishly unlistenable combination of free jazz, ska, Tom Waits hobo wailing, and beat poetry, and it should’ve been left back in the nineties where it belongs, alongside Olestra and the Kosovo war. Tobey is trying to pick up some ladies to bring to hang out with his friends later, but oddly enough none of these women want to hang out with an arrogant sad sack who has all the charisma and sex appeal of Uncle Joey from Full House. Meanwhile, there’s like a full-on burlesque dance number happening to accompany this zoot suit cacophony, and the director only occasionally cuts to it for a few seconds at a time. I guess, who needs to see a big splashy musical number when you can watch a comic relief wet blanket who just got his first pubes strike out with every woman he talks to, right? Luckily, the café waitress takes pity on him and agrees to accompany him to meet up with his friends, and then does basically nothing else for the rest of the movie. Occasionally the scene will cut to her to remind us that she’s there, but, like, is she really there, though?

Jenny Lewis from Rilo Kiley is sitting facing a dude who is showing his bare ass to the camera, because that’s how real fuckin’ life just is, maaaaan, not everyone always wears pants, dude! They apparently just had sex, even though she’s fully clothed, and they get into a philosophical argument about nothing and everything, as if they’re in the worst deleted scene from Slacker. Even though they clearly hate each other, the dude, Brad, invites Jenny Lewis to come meet up with his friends, and she makes some overly hostile joke about how he didn’t make her cum earlier, because low-budget indie movie. Next we see Kevin Connolly driving down the street in his Jeep, when he encounters the hippie girl from the beginning of the movie, like a couple of star-crossed blabbedy blahs. Finally, FINALLY, we’re introduced to Leo, when he borrows a comically large mid to late nineties cell phone from this little hood rat kid who insists on telling him some boring story about a brawl at the Viper Room even though Leo is CLEARLY trying to use said comically large mid to late nineties cell phone to call up every fine young female he knows to meet up with him and his friends. This makes the little hood rat kid very very angry, and its supposed to be funny, I guess? Anyway, like they were all fated since time immemorial to do, all of our leads finally converge down at the titular greasy spoon eatery, Don’s Plum.

Now, have you ever been at a restaurant, and you find yourself sitting near a table of people who are so obnoxious, so vapid, so relentlessly annoying and unpleasant, that you can no longer enjoy your food, and just find yourself eavesdropping on every improbably stupid thing that these goddamn condom leaks are rattling on about, slowly being pulled further and further into their vortex of suck? You have? Well, then, congratulations, because that experience is the rest of this fuckin’ movie. Jenny Lewis and Brad are the first to arrive, and what do they do? They start playing a goddamn harmonica. Um, no. Hell no. I’m trying to enjoy my meal in relative peace and quiet, you know what I don’t need? Your shitty ass John Popper impressions, ok? Get that shit all the way outta here. Then, just to really up the insufferability factor, Jenny Lewis starts opining about Bob Dylan, but she only calls him Bob, which, you can take that one away from here right away, and then launches into the following diatribe...

“You know what I’m so sick of though? All that fucking commercial grunge crap. It all sounds alike. It’s like the record companies that are promoting sterile music. I mean, I love Nirvana, don’t get me wrong, but they weren’t the Beatles.”

WOOF. Mercifully, Brad interrupts her to tell her that he loves her, even though it’s their like, first or second date. She’s reasonably creeped out by this, and just by how earnest and dark and brooding Brad is in general, until thankfully Tobey and the waitress show up, soon followed by Kevin and the hippie hitchhiker. Leo gets his own grand entrance, checking himself out in the reflection of an aquarium while some mid to late nineties boom bap hip hop blares on the soundtrack, natch. For the next hour or so, the group basically just chain smoke countless cigarettes (remember when restaurants had smoking sections?), harasses their waitress, Flo (hey, it’s a mid to late nineties indie movie, were they supposed to NOT name the waitress Flo?) and talk shit endlessly. They also say the word “bro” a lot. Like, a lot a lot. Like, way too much. The world’s most date rapey frat dude would tell them to relax with how much they say the word “bro.”

Suddenly, in between all of the cigarettes and “bros,” a morbidly obese lady walks past the table, and Leo mocks her for daring to be morbidly obese. The hippie hitchhiker takes umbrage with this, and Leo, charming guy that he is, calls her a “squatty piece of hippie shit cunt.” This escalates to the point where the hippie hitchhiker storms off, throwing her Birkenstocks at Leo, and then smashes Kevin’s windshield with a bat that she found…somewhere? Anyway, she’s out of the movie now, and replacing her is Jenny Lewis’s friend Constance, who they just happen to run into. So more bullshitting and chain smoking unfolds. Female masturbation is discussed, because mid to late nineties indie movie. They play Never Have I Ever, and Kevin doesn’t understand the rules, which is kinda endearing. They almost get into a fight with some creep in a mechanics outfit and Buddy Holly glasses. A horrible ska cover of the “Menomena” song from The Muppet Show pops up for a minute of your life that you’ll never get back. Leo sends the group into more turmoil when he outs Brad as bisexual and gives Tobey shit for being vegan. He also gropes Jenny Lewis’s breasts countless times, but no one seems to mind. They all fight about this for awhile, but eventually apologies are offered and they’re bros once again. However, upon learning that Brad is into both girls and guys, Jenny Lewis begins freaking out about AIDS, because ugggh. Then she and Constance start making out for absolutely no reason other than mid to late nineties indie movie. At one point, the film fades out for no reason, and then fades up again on the exact same scene just in time to hear one of the ladies ask the table, “do you guys bathe every day and, like, wash yourself with soap?” Meanwhile, the film will occasionally cut to short vignettes of the characters each saying non-sequiturs into the restroom mirror. Why? Again, because mid to late nineties indie movie. DUH.

The absolute weirdest scene occurs when Kevin Connolly notices a lady producer whom he auditioned for the previous week. He calls her “Spielberg with a pussy,” because of course he does, what else would he call her? The rest of the table convinces him to go talk to her. To both our surprise and his, when he tentatively approaches her at the bar, she’s like, Oh my god, Kevin Connolly! It’s so good to see you! I’m sorry you didn’t get that part you auditioned for, but get this, I was just watching your tape again the other day, and I want to cast you in the lead in this other movie that I’m doing! Not only that, I have to admit, I find you and your Cub Scout haircut and thrift store bowling shirt to be super fucking sexy, and later on tonight I wanna fuck your brains out so hard, so take my number and call me, hot stuff.

WHAT?!?! Like, is this supposed to be a fantasy sequence? Is it? If it is, you have to tell me, movie! Shellshocked and erect, Kevin returns to the table and recounts the whole thing, including the line “bro, it was crazy, bro! She was on my dick so hard!” Leo, meanwhile, is wearing some fake redneck dentures, talking in an exaggerated Southern accent, and eating his own boogers. This is all real, you guys, I promise.

Anyway, some more shit happens, and everyone is yapping about some stupid, possibly offensive nonsense when suddenly a lady at the next table over slaps the guy that she’s with. Hard. Slaps him really hard. Our heroes get quiet for less than a second, before remarking on the slap that just took place. Holy shit bro, that bitch slapped that guy so hard bro, bro bro bro bro, etc. When things get back to normal, Leo is suddenly quiet and sullen. Kevin notices, and tries to coax it out of him the best way he knows how, which is by asking, “you fuckin’ thinkin’ about something, bro?” Leo starts giving all of these cagey, mysterious non-answers, and before long everyone at the table wants to know if he’s fuckin’ thinkin’ about something, bro. Leo takes a deep drag off of his cigarette, and tells everyone, “my dad committed suicide bro.”

WHAAAT?!?! I’ve gotta say, I honestly did not see this coming. In a mood, Leo storms off for the back bar. Jenny Lewis follows him, and tries to make him feel better by relating her OWN familial sob story: “My dad is gone. And my mom is a junkie. She sells her ass on the corner.”

WHAAAAAAT?!?! All of these sudden dollops of soap opera drama, man! Good gravy. For whatever reason, this turns Leo on, and he tries to bang her. She rebuffs his advances, and they get into an overwrought screaming match that plays out like a Level One improv exercise at the world’s shittiest acting school. Meanwhile, back at the table, Tobey gets mad at Kevin for pushing Leo to reveal the truth about his dead dad, and this escalates into a full on fist fight! BRO!

Now, holy shit, you guys, the last five minutes of this movie. Jenny Lewis runs into the bathroom, and begins lamenting into the mirror about how she let a “perfectly good fuck” get away. As she’s saying all this, she pulls some tinfoil, a straw and a lighter out of her purse and just straight up starts FREEBASING CRACK COCAINE.

WHAAAAAAAAAT?!?! Kinda makes all that AIDS talk seem kinda hollow, huh? Then, oh my god, she starts crying and launches into this fucking after school special monologue, screaming into the mirror about how “I was the one that came on to Uncle Jerry! I was the one that was curious!”

WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!?! Excuse me, waitress, but it seems you got drug abuse and child molestation in my mid to late nineties indie movie! What is ANY OF THAT doing in here?! And in the last five goddamn minutes of the movie, no less! So now Tobey and Kevin’s bro fight has spilled out onto the street, so Leo goes and breaks it up, he and Kevin do a very intricate secret bro handshake, everyone has a good laugh, Brad lights Kevin’s bowling shirt on fire, everyone goes prancing down the street, and the movie ends.

Now, imagine that you’re Leonardo DiCaprio and Tobey Maguire. It’s late 1997, or possibly early 1998. One of you is now the biggest movie star on the planet, thanks to a movie about a big-ass boat. You’ve just seen this Don’s Plum movie that your little buddy R.D. Robb made. First of all, it’s a full-length fucking movie, not a short like you both thought it would be. Second of all, both of you are in there saying terrible things about women, doing terrible things to women, and oh shit, the majority of your fans…wait for it…are women! Bro! But worst of all, our little buddy R.D. Robb, who we thought was our friend, our fellow Pussy Posse member, our BRO, is shopping this fucking movie around to distributors? This fucking movie that could possibly end our careers if anyone ever sees it? Tell me, if you were Leonardo DiCaprio and Tobey Maguire in late 1997 or early 1998, would you do everything in your power to make sure that Don’s Plum never saw the light of day?

Well, according to a lawsuit filed in 1998 by one of the film’s producers, David Stutman, that’s exactly what Leo and Tobey did. Interestingly enough, according to court documents, apparently it was Tobey who was more concerned with how his performance in the film would negatively affect his nascent stardom, and therefore enlisted his much more famous best friend to help him carry out “a fraudulent and coercive campaign to prevent the release of the film.” I mean, Leo comes off as WAY more of an asshole than Tobey, who mainly just mopes around and eventually bro fights with Kevin Connolly, but in any case, both parties eventually reached a settlement in which Stutman agreed that Don’s Plum would not be released in the U.S. or Canada. It premiered at the Berlin Film Festival on February 10, 2001, and quickly faded into Hollywood lore.

Every few years, talk of this wild, black and white, mostly improvised movie with some big celebrities before they got famous will pop up again. Most recently, back in early 2016, another of the film’s producers, Dale Wheatley, uploaded the film to Vimeo and posted it to his website, freedonsplum.com, where anyone could watch it for free. Within days, Leo and Tobey’s respective legal teams had the video removed. You would think that after more than twenty years, with Leo now a respected Oscar winner, and Tobey having brought Spider-Man to life on the big screen, they’d be willing to let bygones be bygones. But it seems that they’re still legitimately concerned that they would stand to lose their vaunted place amongst the Hollywood elite if North American audiences ever got to see Don’s Plum. They still fear it. They still think it’s dangerous. In reality, it’s just embarrassing, which isn’t the same thing.

Truth is, there are a million movies out there just like Don’s Plum. There are a million other overly earnest, needlessly vulgar, navel-gazing indie movies made by overly earnest, needlessly vulgar, navel-gazing young people about the lives of overly earnest, needlessly vulgar, navel-gazing young people out there. I mean, I went to film school, fer chrissakes, I can say with some level of authority that Don’s Plum is the sort of project that my classmates and I poured our hearts and souls Into, only to be embarrassed by its messy, guileless sincerity later. The only thing that distinguishes Don’s Plum from the horde of other cringeworthy embryonic efforts like it is, as I said before, its status as cinematic forbidden fruit. Will its two stars ever allow the audience that it was made for to have a taste? Somehow I doubt it, bro.

[dweemeister]

A list of all films featured in 2017′s 31 Days of Oscar

This is the exhaustive list of all 400 short- and feature-length films featured during this year’s 31 Days of Oscar marathon.The mark of 400 is down from 410 in 2016′s ceremony and up from 323 in 2014 and 170 in 2013. Best Picture or Unique and Artistic Picture winners are in bold. Asterisked (*) films are films I haven’t seen in their entirety as of the publishing of this post.

The Gold Rush (1925)

Chang: A Drama of the Wilderness (1927)*

The Patent Leather Kid (1927)*

Sunrise: A Song of Two Humans (1927)

Two Arabian Knights (1927)*

Wings (1927)

The Crowd (1928)

In Old Arizona (1928)*

Speedy (1928)

White Shadows in the South Seas (1928)*

A Woman of Affairs (1928)

The Bridge of San Luis Rey (1929)*

The Broadway Melody (1929)

The Love Parade (1929)*

All Quiet on the Western Front (1930)

The Big House (1930)

The Dawn Patrol (1930)*

Min and Bill (1930)*

Morocco (1930)*

The Right to Love (1930)*

Arrowsmith (1931)*

Grand Hotel (1932)

What Price Hollywood? (1932)*

Flying Down to Rio (1933)*

42nd Street (1933)

Gold Diggers of 1933 (1933)

The Prizefighter and the Lady (1933)*

Flirtation Walk (1934)*

The Gay Divorcee (1934)

Imitation of Life (1934)*

The Lost Patrol (1934)*

Of Human Bondage (1934)

The Richest Girl in the World (1934)*

Bride of Frankenstein (1935)

Captain Blood (1935)

Folies Bergère de Paris (1935)*

The Informer (1935)*

Top Hat (1935)

Camille (1936)*

Dodsworth (1936)

The Garden of Allah (1936)

General Spanky (1936)*

The Great Ziegfeld (1936)

Mr. Deeds Goes to Town (1936)

San Francisco (1936)*

Swing Time (1936)

The Good Earth (1937)                                  

The Prisoner of Zenda (1937)

Shall We Dance (1937)

Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs (1937)

Wee Willie Winkie (1937)*

The Adventures of Robin Hood (1938)

Alexander’s Ragtime Band (1938)

Mother Goose Goes Hollywood (1938 short)

Drums Along the Mohawk (1939)*

Gone with the Wind (1939)

Goodbye, Mr. Chips (1939)

Gulliver’s Travels (1939)

Mr. Smith Goes to Washington (1939)

Ninotchka (1939)

Stagecoach (1939)

Abe Lincoln in Illinois (1940)

Boom Town (1940)*

The Grapes of Wrath (1940)

The Great McGinty (1940)*

Kitty Foyle (1940)*

Pinocchio (1940)

Rebecca (1940)

The Sea Hawk (1940)

The Thief of Bagdad (1940)

Dumbo (1941)

The Flame of New Orleans (1941)*

Hold Back the Dawn (1941)*

How Green Was My Valley (1941)

The Lady Eve (1941)

Topper Returns (1941)*

Bambi (1942)

Casablanca (1942)

George Washington Slept Here (1942)*

I Married a Witch (1942)*

The Magnificent Ambersons (1942)

Now, Voyager (1942)

To Be or Not to Be (1942)

The War Against Mrs. Hadley (1942)*

Cabin in the Sky (1943)

The Constant Nymph (1943)*

Five Graves to Cairo (1943)*

Madame Curie (1943)

The Song of Bernadette (1943)

Watch on the Rhine (1943)*

Double Indemnity (1944)

Gaslight (1944)

Hail the Conquering Hero (1944)

Home in Indiana (1944)

How to Play Football (1944 short)

Meet Me in St. Louis (1944)

Blithe Spirit (1945)*

Donald’s Crime (1945 short)*

The Lost Weekend (1945)

A Tree Grows in Brooklyn (1945)

The Best Years of Our Lives (1946)

Humoresque (1946)*

The Yearling (1946)

The Bachelor and the Bobby-Soxer (1947)

Black Narcissus (1947)

Body and Soul (1947)

Gentleman’s Agreement (1947)*

The Ghost and Mrs. Muir (1947)

Good News (1947)

Bicycle Thieves (1948, Italy)

Hamlet (1948)

I Remember Mama (1948)

Portrait of Jennie (1948)

Red River (1948)

Wet Blanket Policy (1948 short)*

Adam’s Rib (1949)

The Hasty Heart (1949)*

The Heiress (1949)*

Look for the Silver Lining (1949)*

Mighty Joe Young (1949)*

She Wore a Yellow Ribbon (1949)

Twelve O’Clock High (1949)*

All About Eve (1950)

The Asphalt Jungle (1950)

The Gunfighter (1950)

Harvey (1950)

The African Queen (1951)*

An American in Paris (1951)

Royal Wedding (1951)

Strangers on a Train (1951)

The Bad and the Beautiful (1952)

Forbidden Games (1952, France)*

High Noon (1952)

The Quiet Man (1952)

The Romance of Transportation in Canada (1952 short)

Singin’ in the Rain (1952)

Calamity Jane (1953)

I Vitelloni (1953, Italy)*

Monsieur Hulot’s Holiday (1953, France)*

Ugetsu Monogatari (1953, Japan)

The Caine Mutiny (1954)

Carmen Jones (1954)*

Magnificent Obsession (1954)

Rear Window (1954)

Sabrina (1954)*

Seven Samurai (1954, Japan)

Them! (1954)

Interrupted Melody (1955)*

It’s Always Fair Weather (1955)

Around the World in Eighty Days (1956)

The Brave One (1956)*

The Captain from Köpenick (1956, West Germany)*

Friendly Persuasion (1956)*

The King and I (1956)

Lust for Life (1956)

Qivitoq (1956, Denmark)*

The Bridge on the River Kwai (1957)

Perri (1957)

12 Angry Men (1957)

The Big Country (1958)

The Defiant Ones (1958)

Gigi (1958)

Torpedo Run (1958)*

Vertigo (1958)

Ben-Hur (1959)

Black Orpheus (1959, Brazil)

The Great War (1959, Italy)*

Hiroshima Mon Amour (1959, France)*

Imitation of Life (1959)

The Nun’s Story (1959)

Porgy and Bess (1959)*

Some Like It Hot (1959)

Exodus (1960)*

Inherit the Wind (1960)

Spartacus (1960)

La Dolce Vita (1960, Italy)*

The Magnificent Seven (1960)

Breakfast at Tiffany’s (1961)

Divorce Italian Style (1961, Italy)*

The Parent Trap (1961)

Through a Glass Darkly (1961, Sweden)*

West Side Story (1961)

Days of Wine and Roses (1962)

Lawrence of Arabia (1962)

The Miracle Worker (1962)

The Music Man (1962)

Tlayucan (1962, Mexico)*

To Kill a Mockingbird (1962)

The Birds (1963)

The Great Escape (1963)

This Sporting Life (1963)*

The Gospel According to St. Matthew (1964, Italy)*

A Hard Day’s Night (1964)

Kwaidan (1964, Japan)

My Fair Lady (1964)

The Pink Panther (1964)

Seven Days in May (1964)

The Umbrellas of Cherbourg (1964)

The Unsinkable Molly Brown (1964)

Doctor Zhivago (1965)

The Shop on Main Street (1965, Czechoslovakia)*

The Sound of Music (1965)

A Thousand Clowns (1965)

The Battle of Algiers (1966, Algeria)

Seconds (1966)*

Casino Royale (1967)*

Cool Hand Luke (1967)

Divorce American Style (1967)*

Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner (1967)

The Happiest Millionaire (1967)*

In the Heat of the Night (1967)

Thoroughly Modern Millie (1967)*

Two for the Road (1967)*

The Young Girls of Rochefort (1967, France)

Chitty Chitty Bang Bang (1968)

The Heart is a Lonely Hunter (1968)*

Oliver! (1968)

The Subject Was Roses (1968)*

A Boy Named Charlie Brown (1969)

Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid (1969)

Goodbye, Mr. Chips (1969)

Midnight Cowboy (1969)*

Z (1969, Algeria)

The Great White Hope (1970)*

Patton (1970)

Tristana (1970, Spain)*

Fiddler on the Roof (1971)

The French Connection (1971)

Shaft (1971)

Cabaret (1972)

Cries and Whispers (1972, Sweden)*

Live and Let Die (1973)

The Paper Chase (1973)

Robin Hood (1973)

Blazing Saddles (1974)

Claudine (1974)*

Phantom of the Paradise (1974)*

Young Frankenstein (1974)

Barry Lyndon (1975)

Dersu Uzala (1975, Soviet Union)

Farewell, My Lovely (1975)*

Jaws (1975)

Nashville (1975)*

Bound for Glory (1976)*

Carrie (1976)

Logan’s Run (1976)

Network (1976)

The Slipper and the Rose (1976)

Close Encounters of the Third Kind (1977)

Saturday Night Fever (1977)

Star Wars (1977)

That Obscure Object of Desire (1977, Spain)*

Days of Heaven (1978)*

La Cage aux Folles (1978, France)*

Midnight Express (1978)*

Alien (1979)

Apocalypse Now (1979)

Best Boy (1979)

Kramer vs. Kramer (1979)

The Maids of Wilko (1979, Poland)*

Moonraker (1979)

The Muppet Movie (1979)

The Elephant Man (1980)

Mon oncle d'Amérique (1980, France)*

Ordinary People (1980)

Man of Iron (1981, Poland)*

On Golden Pond (1981)*

Poltergeist (1982)

Never Cry Wolf (1983)

Trading Places (1983)*

Amadeus (1984)

Purple Rain (1984)

Brazil (1985)

Ran (1985, Japan)

Otello (1986, Italy)*

Au Revoir Les Enfants (1987, France)

The Last Emperor (1987)

Mannequin (1987)*

Maurice (1987)*

The Princess Bride (1987)

Coming to America (1988)*

Rain Man (1988)

Stand and Deliver (1988)

Born on the Fourth of July (1989)

Glory (1989)

The Little Mermaid (1989)

Goodfellas (1990)

Hamlet (1990)*

Total Recall (1990)

Backdraft (1991)*

Boyz n the Hood (1991)*

The Fisher King (1991)*

The Silence of the Lambs (1991)

Aladdin (1992)

Unforgiven (1992)

The Fugitive (1993)*

Geronimo: An American Legend (1993)*

Jurassic Park (1993)

The Nightmare Before Christmas (1993)

Clear and Present Danger (1994)

Il Postino (1994, Italy)

Legends of the Fall (1994)

Quiz Show (1994)*

Babe (1995)

Mr. Holland’s Opus (1995)

DragonHeart (1996)

Hamlet (1996)

The Hunchback of Notre Dame (1996)

Star Trek: First Contact (1996)

Children of Heaven (1997, Iran)

Contact (1997)

The Horse Whisperer (1998)*

The Prince of Egypt (1998)

Shakespeare in Love (1998)

The Green Mile (1999)*

Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon (2000, Taiwan)

Ghost World (2001)*

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone (2001)

Training Day (2001)

Dirty Pretty Things (2002)*

Star Wars: Episode II – Attack of the Clones (2002)

The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King (2003)

The Aviator (2004)

Hotel Rwanda (2004)

Howl’s Moving Castle (2004, Japan)

Million Dollar Baby (2004)*

Vera Drake (2004)*

Capote (2005)

Water (2005, India)*

The Devil Wears Prada (2006)*

Dreamgirls (2006)

Pan’s Labyrinth (2006, Mexico)

In the Valley of Elah (2007)*

The Kite Runner (2007)

Persepolis (2007, France)

The Visitor (2007)*

Departures (2008, Japan)*

Doubt (2008)

Coraline (2009)

The Princess and the Frog (2009)

The Secret of Kells (2009)

Chico & Rita (2010, Spain)

The Illusionist (2010, France)

The King’s Speech (2010)

Tangled (2010)

Adam and Dog (2011 short)

The Artist (2011, France)

The Fantastic Flying Books of Mr. Morris Lessmore (2011 short)

The Help (2011)

Beasts of the Southern Wild (2012)

Ernest & Celestine (2012, France/Belgium)

Head over Heels (2012 short)

Boy and the World (2013, Brazil)

The Tale of the Princess Kaguya (2013, Japan)

Bear Story (2014 short, Chile)

The Dam Keeper (2014 short)

Captain America: The Winter Soldier (2014)

Glen Campbell: I’ll Be Me (2014)*

Guardians of the Galaxy (2014)

Song of the Sea (2014)

X-Men: Days of Future Past (2014)

Carol (2015)*

Creed (2015)

Embrace of the Serpent (2015, Colombia)*

Mad Max: Fury Road (2015)

Room (2015)

Spotlight (2015)

The 9 Academy Award nominees for Best Picture including the winner, Moonlight (2016)

The 15 Academy Award nominees in Best Animated, Documentary, and Live Action Short Film (2016)

Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them (2016)

Kubo and the Two Strings (2016)

Loving (2016)

Moana (2016)

My Life as a Zucchini (2016, Switzerland)

The Red Turtle (2016, France/Belgium/Japan)

Rogue One (2016)

Star Trek Beyond (2016)

[republicstandard]

Pedophilia is Being Normalized by the Liberal Media

Having sex with people who are neither physically nor mentally mature enough to consent to it is rape. This is apparently an increasing controversial hill on which to die, but so be it. If you read the left-wing press, whenever they tackle the issue of pedophilia it is unanimous that pedophiles are just misunderstood.

“The current misconception is that every pedophile is a child molester, and if they’re not, it’s just a matter of time. It’s important to show the world that that’s not the case.” https://t.co/rV4SexSO5f

— VICE Canada (@vicecanada) February 8, 2018

When Ender Wiggin was banned from Twitter last December, it wasn’t because he was a far-right troll or Nazi sympathizer. In fact, Wiggin had an army of pizzagaters harassing him all hours of the day, insisting he kill himself right up until the moment his account was disabled on December 14.

That’s because Ender—aka @enderphile—is the pseudonym of a “non-offending” or “anti-contact” pedophile: someone who is attracted to children but claims to be against adult-child sex and child pornography. Inside that community, he’s known as the unofficial leader, and claims he’s been using social media to reduce the stigma associated with pedophilia, showing other pedophiles they can live lives without offending. Jackson Weaver, VICE Magazine

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VICE used to be awesome. Even after the McInnes era, some of their reporting, articles and video journalism was top notch. Nowadays the company is riddled with sleazeball liberals who can't treat women with politeness and literal endorsements of pedophilia. Worse, it is not just VICE Canada that is as insane as Justin Trudeau. Salon published another self-described "Virtuous Pedophile" in 2015, claiming that he was a poor suffering lamb, who just wants to be loved.

Nice to meet you.  My name is Todd Nickerson, and I’m a pedophile. Does that surprise you? Yeah, not many of us are willing to share our story, for good reason. To confess a sexual attraction to children is to lay claim to the most reviled status on the planet, one that effectively ends any chance you have of living a normal life.  Yet, I’m not the monster you think me to be.

Such degenerates as Todd and those in the VICE article describe themselves as non-offending pedophiles. The natural question then is this- if you are a non-offending pedophile, how would anyone know? The answer is that nobody would know. You would tell nobody. So why are "non-offending pedophiles" identifying themselves?

Jackson Weaver of VICE expends a lot of energy gathering quotes and making the case that kicking wannabe child-molesters off social media platforms is counterproductive, citing that peer support- i.e., other pedophiles- is essential to stop non-offending pedophiles abusing children. However, he also writes of one prominent online pedophile that

"He’s been using social media to reduce the stigma associated with pedophilia."

The unambiguity of his words should tell you all that you need, but let us spell it out, clear as day. Pedophilia must be stigmatized in society. It must never lose its stigma. The very idea that a pedophile should feel without stain is a very dangerous idea indeed. One may feel a certain level of sympathy for the pedophile- I sincerely doubt that anyone would choose this life- but to empathize with them is a path to ruin.  No doubt Weaver and others in the liberal press will deny it, but the agenda here is clear. Leftist activists are using the liberal media to convince people that pedophilia is not immoral.

I had an interesting conversation on Twitter yesterday about the hijab. The hijab, as you know, is not ubiquitous in Islam, nor is it solely Muslims that wear a head covering for modesty. It is almost exclusively Muslims that apply this modesty rule to children, however. The conversation came about in a thread begun by regressive left darling Mike Stuchbery, an unemployed failed supply-teacher-turned-banal-Twitter-chimp who goes on lengthy rambles about how history disproves conservatism, in search of Patreon dollars. The tweet, -which Mike subsequently deleted- was his standard fare of prostrating himself before Islam and coming out against a school administrator who had suggested that girls under the age of eight had no need to preserve their modesty from sexually active men. The administrator, after talking to the community, stepped down.

“Having spoken to our school community we now have a deeper understanding of the matter and have decided to reverse our position with immediate effect.”

Mike supported the people sexualizing kids, in this instance. So did some of his followers, who stated that no-one should force girls to wear anything they didn't want to, but nor should they be forbidden from wearing things that they did want to wear. I contend that as a culturally mandated practice, the hijab is a forced item- and this brought us to the topic of agency in children. We have rules about what children can and cannot do because they do not possess the experience or ability to comprehend consequences that adults are supposed to exhibit. This is why we have an age of consent, an age at which one can drive a car or fight in wars. You need to be able to understand what you are getting yourself into.

It is therefore curious to me that the case of the hijab is so contentious in the West. It is a garment for a particular purpose- it is not even a religious purpose per se.  According to the Quran, Muhammad, when encountered with a woman wearing see-through clothing, averted his eyes and told her, "After a young woman reaches the age of puberty, nothing should be seen of her except this and this," motioning to his face and hands. That has been interpreted in many ways.

This is King Abdullah II, the King of Jordan. He is the direct descendant of Prophet Mohammad, and this is his family. The question is, what on earth happened to wearing the Hijab and Burqa? ..... *Cricket Sounds* ..... pic.twitter.com/fqQEUR9Mmr

— Imam of Peace (@Imamofpeace) February 9, 2018

The modesty of grown women is preserved in most Islamic cultures by some form of veil- burqa, niqab, or hijab, depending on just how barbaric the men of that culture may be. In the more advanced places like Iran, you may only be beaten severely by religious police for not wearing your hijab. In Taliban controlled Afghanistan, to go without your niqab means summary gang-rape and murder by stoning or immolation. If you aren't murdered by your rapist, you may not survive being murdered by your own family in an honor killing.

It is the woman's fault in both cases of course because the woman is immodest- a man cannot help but rape everything that he is aroused by, so it is essential that a piece of fabric is used to reinforce the generally accepted global social norm that no raping people in public is allowed. Some particularly advanced societies have even extended this emancipatory ideal to include not raping people in private, too. In all but the most fundamentalist and stone-age interpretations of this cultural practice, the veil is the reserve of adult women- at least by the standards of Islam, which is 9-years-old for some. Sadly, the fundamentalist and stone age ideals are in the ascendant.

Naturally, I oppose the sexualization of children and therefore reject the idea that an eight-year-old-girl (or younger) should be forced by her parents to wear a modesty-protector. She is a child. She is not sexually active, and therefore outside the remit of modesty- unless we are to accept the pedophiles delusion- that children are sexy. The intrinsic concept of modesty is to avoid encouraging sexual attraction in others. Modesty only exists when the person being modest understands that they are sexually attractive- the Islamic understanding is that this is a female power over men, and therfore the female's responsibility.

I am unsure why I am a better feminist in this regard than most feminists, but the world is a crazy place of late. To cut a long story short- the responsibility for being sexually attracted to children does not lie with the immodest child. Childhood is a sacrosanct garden of learning -at least Western civilization has tried to make it so- and must be innocent. This means that parents make responsible choices for the child's actions. This means no hijabs, as it infers that adult men cannot prevent themselves from rape without it being worn by all females of all ages. In essence, the hijab forces children into a sexualized state of being.

And so, we are brought back to the topic of the pedophile acceptance movement. These child molestation acceptance activists will demand that children be given the right to decide for themselves whether they can have sex with adults. This is the agenda which lies underneath the non-offending pedophile movement. If they can normalize attraction to children, goes the rationale, then what next? It is the very spirit of regression to wish Western culture back into the dark ages of marrying old men to prepubescent girls. At least in antiquity, the basis of such unions was for politics or economics, rather than to sate the lusts of mentally ill degenerates.

If you were a secret pedophile who never offended, why would you tell anyone? Perhaps there is the Catholic confessional route to salvation at play but surely there are few other benefits to proclaiming yourself as a theoretical child molester. The only logical -if logic can hold under such circumstances- is that you realize that the route to satisfying your sex drive and not being murdered or arrested is through public acceptance and ultimately legalization of pedophilia. So, you out yourself as a public pedophile with the relative safety of an anonymous Twitter handle. Maybe you write for Salon or encourage leftist media muppets to interview you about how misunderstood the whole issue of having sex with children is.

The very definition of pedophilia -or any sexual philia- is an abnormal appetite or liking for. For example, you might be a pogonophile and have an abnormal appetite or lust for beards. As a bearded man, I am abnormally attractive to you- irresistibly so. While it's funny to think about on the surface, it is actually utterly superficial. You do not know me. You do not care about me- all you want is my beard. If I were to shave it off your attraction would evaporate as rapidly as the steam on my mirror. In a similarly disordered manner the pedophile is not interested in children in the romantic way typical humans fall in love or feel attraction. It is sexual desire of prepubescent children in the same irrational and alien way that the pogonophile is drawn towards beards. Incapable of love, the -philiac is attached only to that which arouses them; when the object of desire changes -by shaving a beard off, by a child entering puberty, or whatever other form the abnormality takes- the philia goes unsated and the desire for what once was irresistible is gone. The -philiac must find another locus of arousal.

Pedophiles do not love children. One cannot love children and be a pedophile. The pedophiles use children to satiate their base desires. This is why pedophilia is an abnormality rather than a sexual orientation- A chronophilic disorder. A person may well find a much older person attractive, but when they only find the elderly attractive, this is beyond merely a sexual preference- it is gerontophilia. The attraction in this case is still a disorder but as it affects only adults there is no need to legislate against it within our society. Not so for the person who is inescapably attracted to children. It is as far from being a sexual preference or orientation as it possible to be; consider those poor souls who find themselves irrevokably attracted to tractors or who marry bridges. It is impossible to normalize even those people who harm no-one with their behavior, let alone those who wish to normalize attraction to children.

This is why the gay movements around the world have struggled so hard to distance themselves from pedophilia, with varying degrees of success. Once more for those in the back- pedophilia is not normal. In a nightmare future, the Western child is forced into the hijab and made to answer questions about whether they are ready to have a sexual relationship with an adult. How culturally enriched we will be.

Last week our Conservatoire Nursery held a (Drag Queen Story Team event to promote social inclusion. Thank you to the nursery team and parents for being open minded. pic.twitter.com/XfugTWFopv

— LEYF Nurseries (@leyfonline) December 1, 2017

June O’Sullivan, chief executive of LEYF, said:

“By providing spaces in which children are able to see people who defy rigid gender restrictions, it allows them to imagine the world in which people can present [themselves] as they wish.”

This is the motivation behind Drag Queen Story Time-  The project also seeks to tackle misogyny, homophobia, and racism, so it's just your small-scale neo-Marxist indoctrination of 3 year-olds, who clearly are already so bigoted against blacks and gays that they need to be taught how to think by drag queens.

If pedophilia is normalized also, then it will become acceptable for a man who is sexually attracted to kids to run a similar project. Conservative philosophy is concerned with the preservation of the pillars of our civilization. The very concept of what makes up a family has been under attack for more than a generation, producing the tragedy today that in America 40% of children are born to unwed mothers and 25% of all children under the age of 18 — a total of about 17.2 million — are being raised without a father. 35% of these broken families are poor. The story gets even worse once we break that figure down by racial demographics.

The bedrock of our great Western Civilization is the family unit. In 1933  Christopher Dawson wrote “The Patriarchal Family in History,” and drew parallels to the decline of the Greek and Roman civilizations that preceded our own.

“As in the decline of the ancient world, the family is steadily losing its form and its social significance, and the state absorbs more and more of the life of its members,” Dawson wrote. “The functions which were formerly fulfilled by the head of the family are now being taken over by the state, which educates the children and takes the responsibility for their maintenance and health.”

Can any deny that 85 years on from Dawson we are even further along this path to destruction? Instead of addressing this matter with concern for the very fundamental building blocks of society itself, the radical intersectionalists of the left have instead pared the pieces apart with the hatchet of Social Justice. The family is irrelevant when there are transgender identities to care about. The environment that children are raised in produces racists and homophobes, so therefore society must take over the raising of children from the inadequate parents. So often unwed and solitary, the single parents of this generation and the last have gladly relinquished responsibility- and who can blame them? As a culture we have produced untold millions of people without an coherent identity of their own to pass on to the next generation.

" Ender claims that any attempt to make another account—under any name—was initially blocked following his ban, but thought they had reconsidered their stance after he was able to log back on. Following his most recent ban, he's less optimistic. Until Twitter directly addresses how they’re going to deal with users like Ender, non-offending pedophiles exist in the same state. It’s a kind of limbo, where they’re able to speak about their attractions to children publicly, but without knowing for how long." - Jackson Weaver, VICE Magazine

(adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({});

This is a progressive magazine with a culture of sexual harassment towards women. This magazine -with a huge readership- is appealing to one of the biggest social media networks on the planet to stop banning pedophiles. More than this entire article up until now, this should tell you everything you need to know about the pedophile normalization movement. Non-offending pedophiles want to become pedophiles who are non-offending because the abnormal sex they desire has become socially accepted. While the majority of people will be repulsed by the behavior, once the normalization of degeneracy has become ratified then it is then bigotry to criticize it. It is now normal for an adult man dressed as a woman to teach your three year old son how not to be a homophobe. Don't tell me this is a leap of the imagination.

Still, it is conservatives who are the problem, right? We are the ones holding society back from true progress. Progress towards what exactly? A society of fatherless sons with no role-models, no aspirations and the exaltation of self-centered gratification of the basest desires of the depraved. No thank you, not on my watch.

No empathy for the devils.

from Republic Standard | Conservative Thought & Culture Magazine http://ift.tt/2G4oSjx via IFTTT

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Dancing With the Stars' Disney Night Delivers the First Perfect Score of the Season and a Shocking Elimination

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Dancing With the Stars' Disney Night Delivers the First Perfect Score of the Season and a Shocking Elimination

It’s the most wonderful Dancing With the Stars of the season!

Monday’s “Disney Through the Ages” theme took viewers from the 1920s to the present, and of course, gave viewers the most magical night of the season. So it was fitting that the first perfect score of the season happened during the two-hour Disney extravaganza, with Jordan Fisher and Lindsay Arnold landing 30 points. 

Sadly, not every couple got their happy ending, as two pairs found themselves in the bottom two: Sasha Pieterse and Gleb Savchenko, and Frankie Muniz and Witney Carson. Say whaaa?! 

And the couple eliminated on Disney Night was Sasha and Gleb, and we have to say, we’re rather shocked, as the Pretty Little Liars star was impressive and improving each week. 

“It was incredible, and I knew that it was going to be amazing but it totally blew my expectations away,” Sasha said after her elimination. “This is obviously a very sad moment for me, but I’m just so thankful.” 

Here’s a rundown of the night’s performances:

Victoria Arlen and Val Chmerkovskiy: 27/30 After her emotional performance last week, Victoria and Val’s jazz, which was an homage to Steamboat Willie, Mickey’s official movie debut in 1928, with the couple playing Mickey and Minnie, was downright fun. “There’s a magic in dreaming big,” Victoria said in her package, and it paid off for them, as head judge Len Goodman said their performance was “full of joy, full of sparkle.” As for Carrie Ann Inaba, she was happy they did this because “seeing Val in those shorts is just a treat.” C’mon, this is Disney Night. Let’s keep it PG!

Vanessa Lachey and Maksim Chmerkovskiy: 24/30 With the couple performing a waltz to a song from Snow White and the Seven Dwarves, fans were treated to seeing Maks pretend to be all Seven Dwarves in their pre-taped package. “You’re a goodlooking guy,” the “real” Maks said when he breaks up the party. “That’s a goodlooking group!” As for their dance, Bruno Tonioli said “it was a simply beautiful waltz,” but Len, who said he’s more Bashful than Grumpy, said it was “a little bit unstable” at times. “I’ve been sleeping for a while,” Vanessa, dressed as Snow White, joked. 

ABC

Lindsey Stirling and Mark Ballas: 28/30 “I love Disney princesses so much, I wanted to be one,” Lindsey said of her childhood…so she gets Pinocchio for Disney Week. Sure! The judges praised how classic Lindsey was during the pair’s jazz, a “transformation” for her, per Carrie Ann, while Bruno said it was like “bathing in stardust” and called it Fred Astaire meets Disney. But the true sign of approval came from Len, who awarded them a 10!

Nick Lachey and Peta Murgatroyd: 22/30 Coming off his best performance yet, the pressure was on for the couple, who were still at the bottom of the scoreboard. To try and loosen Nick up ahead of their quickstep that was inspired by The Jungle Book, Peta took him to the animal park with his kids and her son. Nick was exhausted by the end of the dance, which Len called “fun and entertaining,” though he noted the singer’s “droopy right arm.” Still, he ended up giving the highest score among the judges?

Drew Scott and Emma Slater: 25/30 The Property Brothers star landed “Rainbow Connection” from The Muppets Movie, giving him the opportunity to do all of his Muppet impersonations. Oh, and we got to see Drew and Emma as puppets, which was pretty cool. But anyway, their waltz was a hit with the judges, including Kermit the Frog. Carrie Ann said they are becoming one of her favorite couples, telling Drew, “You’re a contender!”

Sasha Pieterse and Gleb Savchenko: 24/30 Pretty Little Mermaid! The couple’s dance was inspired by The Little Mermaid, with Sasha taking on the rumba as Ariel (although we did get the pleasure of seeing Gleb as a mer-man). In her package, Sasha revealed she’s lost 37 pounds so far, saying, “It really is magical!” The judges loved Sasha’s performance, with Carrie saying she was “mesmerized,” and Len saying it was a “well-crafted” routine. 

ABC

Terrell Owens and Cheryl Burke: 25/30 T.O. just can’t wait to be king! at least in the ballroom, as the pair’s quickstep was an homage to The Lion King. And he received the royal treatment from the judges, with all of them praising how he maintains control with his height. And Terrell was thrilled to receive his highest score of the season. “I didn’t expect a 9, but I’ll take it!”

Frankie Muniz and Witney Carson: 29/30 The Malcolm in the Middle star channeled his inner sexy pirate for The Pirates of the Caribbean homage. Calling himself a “nerd,” Frankie said he hoped to “surprise people” with his tango. And that he did, with Bruno asking if he got a few tips from Orlando Bloom. “Frankie, you’ve got some pirate game,” Carrie Ann gushed, but noted that Witney’s heel caught in her dress, leading to a tiny mistake. 

Jordan Fisher and Lindsay Arnold: 30/30 How fitting that Jordan performed a foxtrot to his song “You’re Welcome” from the Moana soundtrack?! A member of the Disney family since he was 16, Jordan faced off against Lindsay in Disney trivia, proving how much he knows about it. “These are my people,” he said. “That part in hold was so good that I could forgive anything,” Len gushed, ignoring his usual habit of not liking any moves that break away from traditional dance (the quickstep in this case).

Nikki Bella and Artem Chigvintsev: 27/30 The Total Bellas star landed the final dance of the night, with “Remember Me” from the upcoming Disney-Pixar movie, Coco, and she was excited to tap into her Mexican heritage. And fun fact: Nikki’s family calls her Coco! “It’s like a perfect match,” she said of the song. “It was so joyous, it was full of fun,” Len said, calling it Nikki’s best dance yet. 

Do you think the right couple went home on Disney Night? Sound off in the comments. 

DWTS airs Mondays at 8 p.m. on ABC.

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