#Lauren Handy

[gettothestabbing]

The defendants were indicted for their participation in an October 2020 rescue action at the D.C.-based Washington Surgi-Clinic (WSC), the abortion facility run by Cesare Santangelo. Santangelo was featured in Live Action’s InHuman investigation stating that if a child was born alive at his facility during an abortion, “we would not help it.”

Two defendants – Lauren Handy and Herb Geraghty – cited Live Action’s InHuman video as informing their belief that abortion survivors might be being left to die at WSC, which in turn motivated their decision to participate in the rescue action at Santangelo’s facility.

However, calling the video “gossip from propagandists” (despite the fact that the video showed the abortionist in his own words) presiding Judge Colleen Kollar-Kotelly would not allow the video itself to be admitted into evidence. 

Bias on the part of the prosecution was evidenced by its own word choices. For example, government attorneys referred to a three-day abortion procedure as “care” and as a “treatment” that was “absolutely needed.” 

Government attorneys also made sarcastic, condescending remarks to and about the defendants, with one caustically remarking, “That’s convenient,” after a defendant said she could not remember a specific detail.

The judge herself was not above entering into heated exchanges. Sparks flew after defendant Herb Geraghty asserted under cross-examination that federal law prohibits certain types of abortion procedures nationwide:

(Gov. Attorney) Patel: You know that abortions are legal in the District of Columbia? Geraghty: I know that some abortions are, but partial birth abortion and abortion that a fetus survives outside the womb–  Patel: Sir–  Judge Kollar-Kotelly: Sir, as a practical matter, that’s not correct. There are no statutes in the District of Columbia that say anything about limitations on abortion.  Geraghty: There’s federal laws, Your Honor.  Judge Kollar-Kotelly: You are going to be the legal expert here? I suggest that you not get into that.

However, partial-birth abortion, or D&X, is indeed outlawed under the federal Partial Birth Abortion Ban Act of 2003, which was upheld by the Supreme Court in 2007.

During deliberations on Friday, the jury sent three questions to the judge.

First, they asked: What do “oppression” and “intimidation” mean as defined by law?

Second, pertaining to a particular client of the abortion facility who was on the final day of a three-day abortion procedure and was experiencing labor pains when she arrived at WSC on the day of the rescue: What were the exact medical symptoms of the woman who collapsed in the hallway?

And lastly: What is the nature of ‘treatment’ for each of the different 3 days of ‘procedures’ at the Washington Surgi-Center?

There was a discussion about whether to define “oppression” and “intimidation” narrowly, as in the FACE Act, or more broadly, as it frequently is under conspiracy charges. Ultimately, the judge settled on a broad definition. With regard to the second and third questions, the judge gave the jury no answers; the second on the grounds that private medical conditions are not relevant, and the third on the grounds that there was no evidence given about specific abortion procedures during the trial.

More can be read about the trial at the links below:

Witness testimony in federal trial of pro-life rescuers begins, with court’s bias on display

Prosecution calls more witnesses in day two of pro-life rescuers’ federal trial

Arresting officers take stand at FACE Act trial in DC as judge warns religious pro-lifers on-site

FACE Act trial judge calls video of abortionist that motivated defendants ‘gossip from propagandists’

Defense and prosecution rest in FACE Act trial, as judge appears ignorant of federal abortion law

Defense in FACE Act trial closing arguments: Criteria not met for guilty verdict

[astoriachef]

[featherandferns]

daylight - eight

jj maybank x fem!reader | part 8 of the daylight series | read part 7 here

content warnings: sexual content (f receiving); drug use (weed)

word count: 2.5k.

blurb: whilst watching cheesy eighties horror, you and JJ somehow end up in a fight as all the mess from the past two months finally comes to a head.

“This is the dumbest fucking movie I’ve ever seen,” you snort, passing JJ back his joint. 

“Shut up, this is the best part,” JJ mutters.

He takes a hit and the cloud of vapour clouds your vision. It temporarily blocks the view of the screen, showing Lauren Daniels, permed blonde hair and pink-sweater clad, quivering in fear atop of a shelf in her apartment. The slimy, green-toned cannibalistic monster lingers below, snarling with its fang-like teeth and beady eyes. In the light of modern C.G.I and with the humour from the high you’re on, the whole movie is ludicrous and hilarious. JJ had begged for you guys to watch it. Your vote was Legally Blonde but he turned his nose up. So, here you were, sat side by side, your feet in his lap, dazily watching C.H.U.D as you pass a joint back and forth. You’re at JJ’s house. It had the lingering household smell of weed and booze. Untidy and unkempt, there were empty beer cans and unclean laundry strewn about all over. Intermixed was mechanical parts which you assume are from his dad’s handy-man jobs. His dad was out somewhere: JJ hadn’t said and you didn’t ask. 

As Lauren tosses a bucket of developer on the monster, one of JJ’s hands absentmindedly massages your left foot. It shoots tingles up your legs. It’s weirdly domestic, this entanglement. Something about it feels more than friendly. I mean, you can’t imagine JJ messing with Kiara’s feet whilst watching a movie. Tuning out of the movie and taking another hit of the joint, your mind starts to wander. 

Things between you and JJ had gotten more and more complicated. Most conversations started with teasing jabs and ended with his dick in your mouth. Hang-outs came with the unspoken agreement of making-out at some stage. But things were deeper than sex. The conversations were deeper than those shared between fuck buddies. The touching felt more sensual than a rush to get off. There were these times you’d catch JJ looking at you, and there’d be this longing in his gaze. You knew it because you saw it in your own eyes. Catch it in the reflection of a mirror or window, or spot it in a photo taken by one of the Pogues at whatever hang. You always kept the focus on him, though. It felt easier to pleasure him than to have his hands on you. Everytime he tried to, you’d tense up and internally freak out, and spiral into thoughts and anxieties that stemmed from Tyler. In short: it scared the shit out of you to let JJ have you. You knew that the moment you’d give yourself to him would be the moment you were in too deep. 

But every time you think about bringing it up or cutting it off, you remember how relaxed you feel in JJ’s company. How seen. The two of you shared a language that didn’t require trivial things like words. The thought of JJ being the impending meteorite circling your orbit lost its weight in worry with the notion that you got to have him near. That you got to gaze upon and marvel at him when he wasn’t looking, and wonder how on earth something so pure and perfect was handed such a shitty deal in life. How someone like him wanted to spend time with someone like you. 

JJ’s knuckle hitting a pressure point in your foot has you twitching, coming back to the present. He chuckles quietly. Does it again just to get a reaction. You lightly kick at him. 

“Knock it off,” you mumble. 

“Can’t help it. S’funny,” he replies. “You hear from Mimsy recently?”

“A little. I think she’s really into Darren,” you say.

It’s weird that JJ knows about that. About Mimsy and her livelihood, and was interested enough to ask about it. He had a habit of checking up on you. Asking you about how you were feeling about Kildare, and how your parents were, how the photography was going, how Mimsy was doing. He coaxed anecdotes about Vancouver out of you whenever you felt homesick simply because he knew how much you liked talking about your home. 

“Didn’t you say he was a trust fund baby?” JJ sniggers. 

“Yeah, well, there’s worse people for her to hook up with,” you shrug, requesting the joint back with wiggling fingers.

“What? Like Lloyd?”

You glance at him, mildly bewildered. “How do you remember that?”

“Hm?”

“How do you remember Lloyd?” 

You don’t even remember mentioning him. JJ shrugs. 

“I dunno. I remember most things you tell me,” he says, looking back to the TV screen. His fingers continue rubbing the palm of your foot. You’re practically desensitised to it now. “I like hearing you talk.”

And you fucking hate it when he says things like that: passes compliments to you like it’s Monopoly currency. You hate how easy it is for him to do it, seemingly unaware of the effect it has on you.

When JJ turns to you again, likely seeking out the joint, he finds your stare set on his profile. Smiling, he asks, “what?”

Your lips twitch upwards at the deja vu. “Nothing. It’s just that you’re really fucking pretty.”

JJ eyes light up. His smile turns bashful. It's taken out of view when he dips his head, turning it away from you. You giggle and prod at his chest with your toes, teeth sinking into your lips to try and keep your cheesy grin at bay.

JJ's fingers wrap around your ankle. He drags you to him, across the sofa, making you yelp out with a laugh. Those very fingers slide up your bare legs, slipping under your pyjama shorts to cup your ass, and he tugs you into his lap. You loop your arms around his neck with a giggle, blunt still balanced precariously between two fingers, and accidentally bump his forehead in the process. The two of you laugh, doped up and dizzy, and his nose brushes yours as he calms. The two of you sit like that - you in JJ’s lap - passing Eskimo kisses, eyes closed, smiles steady. When he finally presses his lips to yours, the kiss feels different to all the other times. Less frenzied. It almost feels like he’s trying to tell you something as he brushes your lips against his. His tongue that slips into your mouth carries messages you can’t seem to decipher, as the two of you fall into one another. One of your hands strokes along his jaw, angling his head to deepen the kiss. He’s growing hard beneath you, making your cunt throb with the thought. He flinches away suddenly with a hiss. 

“What? What’s wrong?” you mumble, leaning back in his strong hold. 

He chuckles. “Fucking ash hit the back of my neck.”

Giggling, you take the joint away and carelessly put it on the coffee table behind you. Turning back to him, you find yourself taken aback by the look on his face. It makes your heart stop still in your chest before it plummets down your ribcage. You know that look. You’ve seen it on your own face, when you stare into the mirror. 

“JJ…” you whisper. 

His lips on yours silence you with a fiery kiss. You gasp against them as he picks you up and practically tosses you on your back on the sofa, with something between a grunt and growl. He scrambles to be atop of you, unapologetic as he kisses down your jawline and neck. You hurry to take off your shirt the moment his fingers tease at the hem of it. He’s back on you in a minute. Your body feels like it’s on fire. Like you might combust if someone were to light a match. And, God, do you want him to.

You rut your hips instinctively at the feel of JJ’s lips on your nipple through your thin bralette. Eyes slipping closed, head tilting back, your fingers latch into his scraggly hair. You hum out a moan. 

“So fuckin’ pretty, baby,” JJ mumbles against your heaving stomach. “So fuckin’ needy too.”

Your fingers fiddle with the back of his collar, tugging at it until he takes the hint. He grabs it by the back and pulls it off his head. Tosses it to the side, chuckling with a horny grin as he reconnects his lips to your bare skin. Your bralette joins the pile, much to JJ’s pleasure. His hands fondle at your breast; the pad of his thumb tenderly brushes over your hardening nipple before pinching it between his forefinger. You gasp out a soundless moan. 

Kissing just above the waistband of your shorts, his fingers find purchase on your hipbones. They dip below the fabric and try to coax them down. 

You feel like gravity hits. You come plummeting back down to earth. Palming at his shoulder and jaw, you try and coax his face back to yours. 

“Lemme suck you off,” you mumble, looking down at him. He looks so pretty, between your legs. 

He shakes his head with a smile. “Wanna make you feel good.”

“You don’t have to,” you say, trying to keep your voice light. You try to bring him back up to you again but JJ doesn’t relent. It takes you physically shifting out of his hold to stop him from pulling your short down. When he looks up at you, his smile is fading. You try to bring it back with one of your own. “I just wanna get you off.”

JJ pauses. Physically stills. Then, he sits back on his knees. Your smile vanishes. After knowing JJ for as long as you have, you can recognise the telltale signs of his frustration and anger. JJ looks to the TV screen, attention elsewhere, and begins to shake his head. Slow at first, then fast. All you can do is watch. Finally, he makes a sound. It’s a humourless scoff.

“Why won’t you let me touch you?” JJ asks, looking back to you. 

Your stomach twists nervously. “I do.”

“No, you don’t.”

“JJ, I literally just let you feel me up,” you return with a failing laugh, brows furrowing. 

“That’s not what I mean and you know it,” JJ quickly returns, tone turning short. 

You blink at him, faux smile gone, and your lips bumble to find some sort of response. JJ’s irritation momentarily subsides and is instead replaced with hurt. 

You hate the vulnerable insecurity in JJ’s voice when he asks, “do you not trust me or something?”

“No, of course I do–”

“Then why do you never let me near you?” JJ snaps. He tosses out his arms. “I mean, am I not good enough for you or something?”

“What?”

“Not fucking worthy enough to see you naked, is that it?”

“Of course not,” you breathe, bewildered by the thought. 

“Then what? I don’t fucking turn you on, is that it? I just don’t do it for you and you wanna spare my fucking feelings?”

Your eyes narrow at his words. “Are you throwing what happened in the chateau in my face right now?”

“No, I just–” JJ cuts himself off with a sharp exhale, clenching his eyes shut. He clenches his fist to try and restrain his anger. His knuckles slowly lift to his lips. “I just want to know why.”

“Why the fuck do you think you deserve to?” you snap. Sitting up, you grab for your shirt and tug it on. “What? You think every person you’ve ever known owes you an explanation for why they’re not falling at your feet?”

“Oh, fuck off,” JJ mutters, shaking his head. “You’re avoiding the question.”

“I don’t need to avoid it,” you sharply return. “Cause I don’t need to fucking answer it.”

“You don’t need to answer it?”

“No, I don’t.”

“You don’t think I deserve to know why, after two months of us doing this fucking thing, you don’t let me go down on you?”

Your eyes clench shut. 

“Why you don’t let me fuck you?”

You laugh out a humourless laugh. Gape at him, eyes mean. “Oh! So that’s what this is! You’re fucking bitter cause a girl won’t let you fuck her? You know, there’s this wonderful thing in the world, JJ - you should learn about it sometime. It’s called women having rights.”

“Oh my fucking God,” JJ spits, pinching the bridge of his nose between two fingers as his eyes shut. “You’re fucking impossible, you know that?”

“And you’re an entitled prick. Guess we both have each other’s number now,” you quickly retort.

You get to your feet and search for JJ’s shirt, finding it on the other side of the coffee table. The drivel coming out of the television only pisses you off more, so you shut it off. 

“What aren’t you telling me?” JJ asks. His voice is calmer, though still strung tight. With your back to him, he can’t see the look on your face. He can’t see the physical pain that question causes you. “I thought things were good between us.”

You look down and your eyes close. Fist scrunching JJ’s t-shirt in your hold, your lips purse to keep from quivering. You knew this was a bad idea. Most things are, when it comes to romance. Somebody always gets hurt. 

“Well? Aren’t they?”

You take a shaking intake of air and finally find enough courage to turn. JJ’s not angry anymore. He looks just as dejected as you feel. You shake your head weakly. 

“What are we doing, JJ?”

“I…” His mouth moves but no words come out. Until they do. “We’re just messing around.”

It feels like that’s the final shot to your stomach that sends your whole world crashing. As if laying down to rest, your eyes slip shut. 

“Yeah, well, it’s certainly a fucking mess now, isn’t it?” you whisper.

You throw him his shirt with no conviction. He only just catches it as it slides down his chest. For once in his life, JJ doesn’t seem to have anything to say. Shaking your head, breaking his stare, you run your fingers through your hair.

“I’ll see you around, JJ.”

As you walk past him, towards the door, you hear JJ call out your name. You don’t stop. Don’t turn. Don’t think about anything but Vancouver the entire way home, as if it’s some escapist daydream. Halfway to your house, you try to call Mimsy but she doesn't pick up. You try again as you walk through the door. Home alone, the house feels just as lonely as yourself. With one final attempt, you go to voicemail for a third time. You leave her a mess of a voicemail. And then, you crawl into bed.

part nine coming soon!

taglist:

@princessuki21 | @psyches-reid | @heybank | @avengersgirllorianna | @rrosiitas | @yourmumstoy | @jjsfavgirl | @void21 | @fictionalcomforts | @gsp420 | @redhead1180 | @wearemadeofstardust0 | @mrs-jjmaybank | @ifilwtmfc | @heybank | @lilyw1235 | @belle101200 | @maybankskiss | please tell me if any tags aren't working - I've never done taglists before!

[soberscientistlife]

This is Lauren Boobert‘s opponent in Colorado. Instead of running around pulling stunts to try to own the libs like Handy Oakley does, she’s out meeting the people she’ll be serving.

This is how it's done. Support Trisha if you can

[creaturefeaster]

Now I’m curious of some of the other characters upbringing, if you could give a short summary (or long, I love reading your rambles!!) of each of the Fated 15’s upbringing, what would they be like?

I'll go down the list ^^.

Tim's upbringing was just fine. A bit of an overprotective mother, but a loving and caring one. She really drilled home the morals of hard work & hospitality into him growing up. He and his mom are very close, especially because they're all they have at home.

Hannah couldn't complain about her childhood either. It was a very chill upbringing. She takes heavily after her dad-- he's a cool and relaxed kind of dude, handy. Their whole family (Mother, Father, Hannah, Step-brother) are big on helping out others and spend a lot of their free time in community service, and that's had a big effect on how she interacts with others, especially post-Fault.

Brook, as I'm sure most of you know already, grew up with a very very traditional, anti-tech family. Not a lot of exposure to the outside world, her and her siblings were schooled on their property and were taught a lot of untrue things about the world beyond their small town. But, her childhood was not bad. Her family is very loving-- conditionally so, but she's never had an issue falling under those conditions-- and perhaps a little overbearing at times. Her and her older siblings have all learned to hide certain aspects of their lives, thoughts, and desires from their parents as a result of their aggressively traditional ways of thinking. Brook's thing was sneaking out at night, a habit her parents believe she's grown out of (she hasn't).

Gary's upbringing was both lavish yet harsh. He's a prince after all, taught many skills and hyper-specific manners, had high expectations, all of which he failed to excell enough at for his dad to ever be proud of him. His dad and step dad always seemed like they were watching and judging everything he did. He was prone to lashing out, running away for short periods, or intentionally causing issues just so he could be grounded and be alone for a while. It's left him with a lot of bad habits and poor emotional regulation. Never taught or praised for doing the right thing, only punished for doing the wrong thing.

Lauren's homelife was nearly picturesque. Loving parents, bratty older sister but never anything more than a bit annoying at time, an incredibly large and decked out home in a gated community with friendly neighbors and seriously, nothing to complain about. She simply had interests that never aligned with her family's, and even though they supported her she convinced herself that they either didn't understand, or that they were overbearing and controlling. They weren't. She just functions on a different wavelength and made it their problem, lmao.

Elliot's upbringing was a little rough, his dad was rarely there and a bit of a deadbeat, and his mother was a hard worker trying to make enough to support their family. Elliot had to raise his younger brother which matured him quickly, but he missed out on a lot of his later childhood as a result. He often found himself in a lot of risky situations with nobody around to provide some foresight, so he's lost and learned a lot throughout his life

Tanner's upbringing was kind of boring. His family was never super close, it just wasn't really in their nature. Often they would be off doing their own things rather than participate in family gatherings. Even meals were typically enjoyed alone or distracted by things like television. There wasn't always much to do at home, and he grew to be very tolerant of inactivity. He spent a lot of his time in his room listening to music, or getting up to weird or questionable things late at night with April.

April has always been a contrarian, and even in instances where she wasn't, her parents grew to expect it from her and acted accordingly anyways. There's always been a lot of arguing in her family, and as a result she has a hard time not defaulting to arguing or just straight up opposing a statement, even in the event that she does agree with it. Her brothers were often cruel towards her and never got in trouble for it, and she never really felt like she belonged at home growing up.

Leon's life was pretty free. He grew up in the very small nowhere town of Lystrike with parents who had him later in life than most, so he was raised by not just them, but as they got older and couldn't always keep up, the greater community as well. You'd hear no complaints from him about his childhood, he felt safe in his town and stuck hard to the good morals it taught him.

Rachel's upbringing was pleasant, her family was close-knit and sociable. Despite magic being quite the uncommon thing to learn as a talpian (and even questionable depending on where you live in the underworld), her family was always supportive of her. They raised her well and she felt more than confident in moving out when she was old enough, and always kept in close contact with them after she left.

Bonnie's upbringing was hard. Her mother was frequently ill, and her father worked long days at sea. She took care of her mother from a young age, and when she wasnt, hung around the docks either with or waiting for her father. She had to be the one to acquire the family's goods and necessities more often than not, and her home town was not a particularly safe one, especially for a young girl to be walking around in all alone. She never complained though, not once. She was lucky to have a home whereas many others in her town did not.

Michael's childhood was loving. He's always been a bit babied by his mothers, though they've laid off it a little in more recent years, and so he tended to be a little more ignorant and immature growing up. He went through an oppositional phase in his teens that made his home life a little more tense, but that's kind of on him-- his mothers have always been supportive and given him everything they could for him to live a comfortable life.

Samantha's, as stated a few asks ago, was lonely. Life lessons were missed or taught begrudgingly through house workers, or rarely learned the hard way. She has grown cautious of the unknown and gets a bit uncomfortable stepping out of her comfort zone, because nobody at home has ever taken the time to teach her some confidence. Yuan helps her through this, by virtue of being a huge fucking dragon.

Debbie's upbringing wasn't awful, but not very fun either. Raised soley by her dad who was a militant control freak, she could hardly be herself at home. She learned to become proficient at sneaking out at night, and gets away with all of her rambunctiousness when her father is away with work. A lot of her life has involved being yelled at or around, or walking on eggshells to avoid upsetting her dad-- especially in her earlier years. If there is one thing she got from her dad, it'd be her volume control.

Vilmr was raised as best as he could by Maja, a lady who has never had any children of her own. She's given him a roof, enough food, plenty of wisdom, and some harsh love here and there. He's always been a hard child to keep tame, but respect and discipline have been constant lessons throughout his upbringing and he's always worked hard to make her proud, even if he finds himself being problematic from time to time.

[tinylongwing]

Greetings! I'm Lauren, a bird biologist and scientific illustrator. I have a sideblog, @lauren-no-why, where I send my reblogs, while this is my main, where I post my art (and where asks and other messages are best directed to).

My shop can be found here. It's perpetually under construction - if you see something you like and want to purchase a print but it isn't on there, just ask.

For my portfolio and other social media sites, here's my linktree.

Also, here's a handy navigation key to the tags I currently use most!

Scientific illustration || birds mostly, but also insects, bats, etc

Lord Huron || my current fandom obsession, sometimes even including fics but mostly character illustrations

I've also done plenty of paleoart, fanart for other fandoms, etc but this is the most up to date (and I'll try to update this periodically as I need to). Welcome, hope to see you around!

[thelaurenshippen]

~masterpost~

here's a handy guide to all my stuff! the titles will tag you directly to that tag, and the little (x) will take you directly to that content

my thoughts:

lauren answers things

lauren says things

lauren takes too long to say things

lauren feels things

lauren makes things

lauren writes things

my playlists

my shows:

the bright sessions (x)

breaker whiskey (x)

new year's day (x)

maxine miles (x)

bridgewater (x)

dashboard diaries (x)

surviving hawkins (x)

passenger list (x)

my books:

the infinite noise (x)

a neon darkness (x)

some faraway place (x)

desperate hollow (currently drafting)

helpful links:

send me an ask

fanart

faq

my website

my podcast company

my audio drama production resources

[scarlett-x-rose]

Sooo simps! I know you love 2D girls so much that you alllll wanted to meet my bff Chardonnay?? Well here she is!! Be warned though little beta brains, she’s like, wayyyy more fucked up than I am. Like, psychopathic. And she may get you jerking your little pee-wee to things you didn’t thing were goonable. Trust me, she’ll show you how wrong you are!

Plus, as a bonus for being sooooo good while you waited for me to get back online, I thought I’d introduce a couple more of my girl squad to you; Skye, Samantha and Lauren.

I was speaking to a loser about my girlie Skye, and how this loser is so dumb he likes to be corrupted into the opposite of what he is. Which is kinda handy as Skye just wants to make you even fucking dumber by believing is pseudo BS. Because we dont want little aspies running around thinking they’re clever do we? He really liked talking to her, so although she’s kinda niche, I thought some of you might want to as well. If you like being corrupted into something you’re not, she has amazee plans for you…

And this is Lauren. I think she’ll be SUPER popular with you little rejects, because you know what she loves? Turning boys into sissies. But ummmm….she won’t be nice about it. You now how I’m soooo sweet and totally genuine nice (and like definitely not “fake nice and toxic right???? 😂🤭), well…Lauren doesnt fuck around. But she WILL make you like, the cutest sissy around. Just be ready to be taking dick from now on with her Kk??

And finally, this is Samantha. A few of my horny desperate losers have wanted to meet her. She doesn’t really care about you or your needs, BUT if you have a daughter then she has some GREAT advice on how to raise her. And there’s no way she’ll ever make sure your daughter grows up to be a bossy selfish and entitled bitch right? Because…that would be like having your own personal femdom at home and who would want that?!?! *giggles*

[my-deer-friend]

I've come to ask about the best website to read John or Henry Laurens letters! I've started John's biography and I wanted to extend it a little bit with the letters. (I'm in the Generva period of his life and I know most of the letters John had written by himself are missing, but it would be good to read his father's letters to him from that period!) And for me one of the most interesting parts of his life is John's visit to Paris and also his childhood. If you know, can you tell me where to look for more information on those topics? I would be very grateful! I love your research posts! And I absolutely adore the fact you are from Europe (If I'm not wrong) interested in Laurens and amrev! I'm from Poland and I absolutely adore those American history figures too ! Have a nice day!  Thanks if you find time to answer! <3

Witam, przyjacielu!

As you say, many of the letters from the period you're interested in are lost, and there is little information about John's childhood beyond what is scattered in mentions throughout Henry's letters. But the volume picks up once the Laurenses travel to England in 1771!

There are two main sources that I use for letters by both John and Henry from your selected time period (which is also my favourite time to read about!)

The first is the digital repositories of the University of South Carolina Libraries, which holds (as far as I'm aware) the biggest collection of John's letters. This is where you will find much of his earliest writing, including lots of interesting letters to his uncle James. The search tool takes some getting used to, and the downside is that many of the letters have not been transcribed – so you need to be comfortable reading 18th century cursive.

The second source – the published volumes of The Papers of Henry Laurens – is a bit harder to track down. I've managed to buy physical copies of the volumes I'm most interested in, and a few of them are available on Google Books (with a limited preview). These are the ones most relevant to you:

Volume 7 (1 Aug 1769 - 9 Oct 1771)

Volume 8 (10 Oct 1771 - 19 Apr 1773)

Volume 9 (19 Apr 1773 - 12 Dec 1774)

Volume 11 (5 Jan 1776 - 1 Nov 1777)

(I haven't managed to find a digital version of Vol 10, alas.)

If you have access to a good academic library, it's possible that they will have copies, or will be able to get them for you through interlibrary loan.

Beyond these, there are single letters scattered around here and there, and once you get into John's military and diplomatic service, much of his writing is included in the Library of Congress archives. (Good luck.) JSTOR has published versions of some of their letter exchanges too, just search for their names.

Of course, the other person to consult is our esteemed @john-laurens, who has compiled tons of handy resources like a list of where to find all the Laurens-Kinloch letters. These aren't always easy to find thanks to Tumblr search, but I'm sure they'd be happy to point you to the relevant posts!

I'd be delighted to share any specific resources or thoughts if you have questions that come up during your reading, so feel free to ask!

[mysterious-moonstruck-musings]

Destiny & Deliverance: Chapter 15

Destiny & Deliverance Masterlist ||| Dieter Bravo X OFC New as of 8/11/2023

SUPPORT YOUR CREATORS. REBLOGGING & COMMENTS ARE APPRECIATED.

Series Rating: Explicit (18+)

Series Summary: Natalia Cohen is experiencing major life changes, beginning with leaving an emotionally abusive husband. She is learning how to navigate life on her own while dealing with high functioning anxiety, depression, and mild PTSD. Everything is looking up for her. She is a highly respected consultant for a major LA firm, has her best friend, Lauren, by her side, and is on her path to healing. Everything changes when she meets a handsome and broken stranger on a work trip. He turns out to be a well-known actor, with a heart-breaking past. They quickly develop a connection that will forever alter their lives. 

Warnings: Themes dealing with mental health, emotional trauma, alcohol use, and discussions about suicide. There will be fluff, tears, spicy language, and smut. This will be a slow burn type of story. Read at your own risk.

Chapter Warning: detailed description of mental health trauma response.

Chapter Quote: “Stay with me. Please.”

A/N: Surprise! Dropping this one at midnight because if I wait until tomorrow and read through it again, I may have an emotional break myself. This chapter includes detailed descriptions of an individual’s trauma response episodes. We are about to start getting deeper into the mental health stuff. There is some fluff, but overall it’s an angsty chapter. It might help to have a tissue handy. I won’t lie, there is one part that makes me tear up every time I read through it and that is after I dialed it back some. Consider yourselves warned.

After I finished my work hours on Monday, I packed up everything I thought that I might need for the remainder of the week. I had decided to work from Dieter’s house so that I could continue the upgrades on his kitchen during my down time. I was determined to keep myself busy. There was also something comforting about being at his house while he was away. I felt closer to him somehow. 

He facetimed me each evening. We would chat as he watched me paint and put up the backsplash. He was so intrigued by the whole process and asked so many questions. Several times he said that he would much rather be there helping me or watching me in person. He equated it to watching me cook. He said he found it to be relaxing. 

We had fallen into a new routine during that week. Every night, we would take a brief break so that I could shower and get ready for bed. Every night I changed into his shirt and crawled into his bed, then I would call him back. Every night, he would talk to me until he fell asleep. As the week went on, I could tell he was tired and wearing down. However, he always seemed to perk up once our conversations started. 

On Saturday, I could hardly contain my excitement since he was due to return that evening. I got up early and changed into my overalls and a tank. I put my hair up in a messy bun and threw on my white sneakers. I spent the entire day rushing around. I went to pick up some cooking utensils, a large pot, and a pan because he still didn’t really have anything to cook with aside from the basics. I also had to run to the grocery store for necessary ingredients since I planned to make dinner for him in his newly redone kitchen. I figured he wouldn’t say no to his new favorite meal, manicotti. When I got back to his house, I had to hurry and clean up before I started cooking. Even though I felt like I was in a rush to do everything, every hour seemed like it was two as the day drug on.  

He called me while he was at the airport waiting for his flight. His spirits seemed to be higher than they had been earlier in the week. I told him I would meet him at his place when he got home and let him know I was making dinner. 

It was close to six thirty when I heard the front door open. I was in the midst of mixing the filling for the noodles when he walked toward the kitchen. His eyes were zoned in on me as he dropped his bags on the floor. I gave him a big smile as I continued to mix the ricotta cheese filling with my hands. I was taken aback by the wanting look on his face. I raised an eyebrow at him, which seemed to break him from his trance. He smiled back as he walked over to me. He stood behind me as I continued to work on the food, laying his chin on my shoulder at first. After a moment, he slowly slid his arms around my waist, pulling me back against his chest, hugging me tightly. Suddenly I felt him dragging his nose and lips up my neck and behind my ear before he buried his face into my hair and inhaled deeply. 

I couldn’t help tilting my head toward him as he moved. It was an involuntary reaction. I felt the electric shock run directly down to my core as goosebumps formed all over my body. I closed my eyes, briefly pausing my movements, and inhaled a deep breath, trying to calm nerve endings. What the fuck was he doing?

“You’ve been using my shampoo.” 

I exhaled the breath I was holding. I tilted my head away, attempting to put some space between us before I turned around to take things a step further. 

“Yeah, I was too lazy to pack my own apparently,” I replied a little breathlessly.

I quickly removed the cheese mixture from my hands and stepped away from his embrace to wash up, feeling lightheaded as I went. I could feel his eyes on my back as I moved around the kitchen. When I turned to face him, he was biting his bottom lip and staring at me. I noticed his eyes were darkened by his dilated pupils. I raised my brows at him again. I wasn’t really sure how to respond to this. My body was telling me one thing while my mind said another. 

“So, what do you think? Do you like it?” I opted for redirection and motioned toward the surrounding area of the kitchen. 

For the first time, he looked around. 

“Yeah, it looks great. I love it. You did a good job!” He gave me a genuine smile as his eyes crinkled at the corners.

“Thank you. Happy to be of service.” I gave him a small head nod and smiled before changing the subject.

“You want to go take a quick shower and change while I finish up dinner?” He honestly looked like a hot mess from the day of travel, and I needed to get him away from me for a minute so I could reign myself in. He gave me a slow nod as he backed away and grabbed his bags off the floor before he headed off toward his bedroom. He kept his eyes on me most of the way and I’m fairly certain he mumbled something about a cold shower. I was momentarily stunned. I had to convince myself that I misheard him. 

As I was finishing up with the food, Dieter came shuffling into the kitchen. I momentarily paused what I was doing when I caught sight of him. He was wearing his striped pajama pants slung low over his hips and no shirt. His hair was still wet and slicked back, with a small piece hanging down over his forehead. Was he purposefully trying to work me into a frenzy? He walked over next to me and started sampling the food. He seemed to be on his best behavior this time around. Maybe he did take a cold shower… I didn’t dare to think of what else he could have done to calm himself down. 

We made it through dinner without any more incidents and things seemed like they were back to normal as we chatted, and he filled me in on his trip. I was continuously distracted by his bare chest and arms though. I feel like he noticed my not-so-subtle staring based on the amused expression he kept giving me as he spoke, but he said nothing.

I left soon after dinner with the excuse that he needed to catch up on his sleep. He didn’t seem too eager about it, but he also didn’t argue. He thanked me again for his kitchen and for making dinner, noting that I am spoiling him. I laughed at the thought of it.

He walked me to the door and pulled me in for one of his tight hugs. My hands may have lingered on his bare skin longer than necessary before we pulled away from each other. I also may have drug my hands across his body a little more than necessary as I released him. By the time I left, I was so worked up that my thoughts were all over the place. I wasn’t sure how much longer I would be able to behave myself.  

As the week went on, we settled back into our familiar routine. Dieter seemed to be getting back to his normal self, until Friday rolled around. That was the day that everything started to change.

I was sitting at the kitchen table working when he came in a little earlier than normal. He seemed agitated as he walked through the living room, dropping his keys on the floor. I could hear him curse under his breath as he bent down to pick them up. He set them on the table, along with his phone and wallet before he made his way over to where I was sitting. 

I thought he was going to sit at the table with me, but instead he came up behind me, leaned down and put his arms around my shoulders, burying his face into my neck and hair. He sat there for a moment without moving. Breathing in deeply. I paused, unsure of what to do. I suddenly had an unsettling feeling in my gut. I raised my hands to his arms that were crossed over my chest and rubbed them gently. He finally spoke up, with his face still buried in my hair.

“Good morning,” he mumbled. 

“Good morning. Is everything ok?”

“Yeah, I just didn’t sleep well, and it’s already been a long day.” 

He sighed as he slowly stood and walked toward the refrigerator for a drink. He looked exhausted. Afterwards, he headed into the living room and settled in on the couch. I heard the tv pop on soon after. About an hour or so later I took a break to run to the bathroom. As I walked through, I noticed Dieter had fallen asleep. He looked like he was cold, so I grabbed a blanket off the back of the couch and threw it over him.

Sometime after I got back to work in the kitchen, I could hear Dieter mumbling in his sleep. It eventually turned to gasping cries. I immediately ran over to check on him and tried to wake him up. He eventually bolted upright to a sitting position as he looked around with panic in his eyes. 

He was breathing heavy, shallow breaths as he grabbed onto me, pulling me down to sit on the edge of the couch beside him. I wrapped my arms around his shoulders and pulled him into a hug. He responded by wrapping his around me and leaning onto my shoulder while he struggled to calm down. I ran my fingers through his sweaty hair and rubbed his back as I fought with my own emotions. Tears were threatening to fall from my eyes. Once his breathing slowed down, I spoke.

“Are you ok?” 

He didn’t answer, instead he pulled away. He looked at me blankly with his red rimmed glossy eyes as if I wasn’t there. I reached up to cup his face. 

“Dieter, talk to me. Are you ok?” 

He finally snapped out of it as his eyes focused on me. He took a deep breath and turned away from my touch. He raked both of his shaky hands down his face while he tried to process what was happening.

“Can you talk to me, please?” 

“No, I’m fine,” he said quietly with a trembling voice. 

He sat there for a beat longer before he scooted down the couch and stood. He was avoiding my eyes as I took in his current state. He ran his hand through his hair momentarily before saying he was going to go work out and then take a shower. He sighed heavily as he turned to go downstairs. 

I sat still, in shock. I was having a hard time understanding what had just transpired. The tears slowly started to run down my face as I attempted to regulate my breathing. This had completely thrown me for a loop. Did this happen often? Is that why he had trouble sleeping? I just assumed he was having trouble staying asleep, I didn’t realize he was having nightmares. This gave me a whole new outlook on his behavior and habits. My chest tightened as I realized whatever he had going on was far worse than I could have imagined. I wasn’t really sure how to navigate the situation. I decided I wasn’t going to push him. I felt like he would talk when he was ready. I would just continue to be supportive as I had been. 

He had been downstairs for about two hours when Lauren showed up for our Friday dinner. She could immediately tell something was off with me when she came into the kitchen. I tried to keep an eye out for him as I filled her in on what had happened. She sat in silence with her hand covering her mouth as I told her. She shook her head from side to side in disbelief. She too looked like she wanted to shed a few tears but managed to keep it together. 

“When he comes back up, just act normal, ok? I don’t really know how else to handle this,” I said with an exasperated sigh. 

“Totally understand. I’m not really sure what to say either. If you want, we can just skip dinner. He won’t even know I was here.” “No, I think it may help to not deviate from what we normally do. It might help take his mind off things.” She nodded her head in agreement.   

We faintly heard the downstairs door open, so she moved to start pulling out dishes and such for us to eat, doing well to pretend she knew nothing. Dieter came into the kitchen, briefly stopping to give Lauren a side hug and telling her hello. He came up beside me at the stove as I was cooking and put one arm around my shoulders. 

“Is there anything I can help with,” he asked quietly. He started to worry at his lip, he looked at me with his beautiful brown eyes. They were wide and sad as he raised his questioning eyebrows at me. I looked at him briefly, with my brows drawn together, attempting to read his emotions. He looked… apologetic? My focus was broken by Lauren announcing she had to pee as she disappeared down the hallway. She was not so subtly giving us a minute alone. 

My eyes went back to his and he gave me a shy smile. 

“I’m sorry about earlier. I was kind of an ass. I just…I had a therapy session this morning and I guess it’s made me a bit of a mess today.” I was a little shocked at his apology. 

“Dieter, you have no reason to apologize. I was never mad, just concerned. It took me by surprise.”

“Well, I’m sorry for upsetting you, just the same.”

I moved the pot I was currently cooking in, off the stove eye, then reached up and grabbed his face in my hands as I gave him an intense look. 

“Hey, don’t you ever apologize for that. There’s no need. It’s not something you can control. I get it, sometimes I have an episode and I want to be alone to process it. There’s nothing wrong with that. I’m not going to pressure you into talking to me about it if you don’t want to. I do want you to know that I’m here for you no matter what though.”  

His face tightened while he fought to hold back his emotions. His eyes turned glassy again as he searched my face. He glanced down as he spoke, and I dropped my hands from his face. He started roughly rubbing along the countertop with his fingertips.   

“I do want to tell you… everything. I’m just… not sure I’m there yet. I don’t know if I can say it.”

“Take your time. I’m not going anywhere.” I gave him a reassuring smile as I grabbed his hand that was rubbing the counter. 

“I seriously don’t deserve you,” he said while he continued to fight back tears. I could feel my eyes stinging now. I pulled him in for a hug. As we sat there in an embrace, Lauren peeked around the corner, she sort of grimaced then quietly backtracked down the hallway a bit so that she was out of sight. 

I cleared my throat and released him. We both took a moment to pull ourselves together. I heard the bathroom door shut loudly. I had to stifle a chuckle as Lauren clomped down the hallway. I had to appreciate her commitment.  

Dieter seemed mostly normal through dinner. I could tell things were still on his mind, but he was making an effort to be present. Lauren was putting in the extra work to keep things lighthearted with jokes and funny anecdotes about her customers from the past week. However, once dinner was finished, she said she had to teach an early class in the morning, so she was going to head out. I knew she was just trying to give us some space, which I appreciated. I felt like he needed to decompress some more anyway.

We cleaned up from dinner in silence. I didn’t push him to talk, I just let him be. I could tell his mind was somewhere else. Once we were finished, I told him to pick a movie to watch. I wasn’t surprised to find one of his favorite zombie movies queued up when I came back from changing into some pajama pants and t-shirt.

Dieter was settled into the corner of the sectional leaning against the pile of pillows. I sat down on the adjoining side and laid across the pillows behind him. I started rubbing my fingers through his hair and lightly scratching his head as we watched the movie. I could see the tension leave his body and he eventually drifted off to sleep. He barely made it an hour into the movie. 

Once the movie was over, I decided to leave him be, since he seemed to be sleeping so well. I covered him with the blanket and headed to my bedroom to go to sleep.

At some point in the middle of the night, I awoke to the sound of Dieter screaming in his sleep. This time was worse than earlier. I jumped out of bed to run to him in the darkness. There was just enough light streaming in from the outside that I could see him sitting on his knees in the floor. He was rocking with his hands over his head as he sobbed. I turned the light on and quickly got down in front of him. I removed his hands from his head as I yelled his name, trying to force him to look at me. He continued to rock and push me away while he whimpered. I wasn’t even sure if he was awake. 

He eventually stilled, raising his head to look at me. His eyes were blank, staring off at nothing. He was looking directly at me, but he wasn’t seeing me. I started to cry as I tried to talk to him, but he wasn’t responding. I didn’t know what to do. I crawled over, straddling his lap, then wrapped my arms around him. I pulled his head into the crook of my neck as I ran my fingers through his hair, trying to sooth him and bring him back to me any way I could. 

After a few minutes, I felt his slack arms start to move at my sides. I released him and leaned back to look at his face. He looked terrified and confused as his eyes darted around the room. Once they settled on my face, he started breathing shallow breaths before he broke into sobs. I pulled him back into an embrace as he sobbed into my neck. He wrapped his arms around me, but it wasn’t in a hug. It was more like he was trying to hold on. I silently cried with him. I couldn’t help it.     

We sat that way for what seemed like an eternity. He completely unraveled on me as I whispered words of comfort and rubbed his back and hair. Once he finally pulled himself together, he apologized and started mumbling about going home so he didn’t keep me up all night. I leaned back to look at him again, but he wouldn’t meet my eyes. 

“Stay with me. Please.” It came out as more of a statement than a question.  

For whatever reason, that brought his attention to me. His big brown eyes were filled with sadness and tears as he stared at my face. He exhaled slowly as he shook his head in agreement. 

I slowly stood, never letting go of his hand. I pulled him along behind me toward my bedroom. He stood next to the bed, unsure of what to do. He seemed like a lost child at that moment. My heart was breaking to see him like this. I silently walked over and took his shirt off, then unbuttoned his pants. I told him to take those off as I went over to dig through the laundry basket to find some shorts that he had left there. He pulled those on, then crawled into bed.  

I took a moment to go into the bathroom so that I could pull myself together. My face was stinging from the tears. I quickly splashed some water on it to help sober my emotions. When I walked out of the bathroom, Dieter had his face buried in my pillow. It appeared that he was already dozing off. I crawled into bed behind him. I snuggled in as closely as I could and wrapped my arm around him. He reached for my hand and entwined our fingers as he pulled them to rest near his chest. I nuzzled my face into his back. It didn’t take long for his breathing to change to deep steady breaths. Once I was sure he was asleep, I allowed myself to drift off too. 

When I woke up the next morning, Dieter wasn’t in the bed. I took a moment to take a few deep breaths and try to process the events of the previous night. I didn’t know how to. I got up and walked toward the kitchen, where I found him cooking. This was different. 

“You’re cooking,” I said a little stunned. 

“Yeah, I told you I could handle the breakfast basics.” 

He gave me that adorable lop-sided grin. His energy seemed better today. I walked over to see what he was cooking. As I stood next to him, he wrapped his left arm around me and pulled me into his side against his bare skin. I hugged him back around his waist with both arms and laid my head on him as he flipped the bacon with his other hand. He reached up and scratched at the back of my head. We stood like that until the bacon was ready, not saying any words. I could tell he didn’t want to talk about what happened, but he was silently thanking me for being there for him the only way he knew how to. 

After eating, we ended up hanging out at my house for the rest of the day. During the afternoon, rather than working out to burn off his energy, Dieter opted for laps around the pool. Since he was doing that, I decided on sunbathing. I also planned to read a book I had been working on. I chose to wear the light blue bikini with the macrame overlay that Lauren insisted looked amazing on me. I figured I might as well look good while I did it. 

I got situated while Dieter was doing his laps. He hadn’t noticed that I had come out. I sat in a lounge chair with the book in my hands, but I hadn’t read a single word. He had been doing laps for at least twenty minutes without stopping. He wasn’t kidding about the abnormal amount of stamina I thought to myself. I had to immediately chastise myself for thinking such things. My thoughts were starting to get a little ridiculous as I watched his arm muscles tighten with his movements.

When he was finished, I watched him pull himself up on the side of the pool and get out. His back was still to me so I could see his glistening muscles flex as he moved. I really did try to avert my eyes, but I couldn’t help it. He grabbed a towel and started drying his face. He turned as he did so, finally noticing me on the other side. He paused briefly and started biting his lip. He raised an eyebrow in my direction. I could tell he inhaled deeply as he eyed me.

He slowly walked over, continuing to dry himself off as he went and sat down on the chair beside me. He narrowed his eyes in my direction before he spoke up. 

“Whatcha doing?”         

“Reading.”

“Oh yeah, what page are you on?” His question surprised me. I looked down at the page number. 

“136, why?”

“You haven’t gotten very far.”

“How do you know?” I gave him some serious side eye. 

“Because I picked it up this morning to read the description. That’s the page that was marked.”

I could feel my face heating up. Busted. 

“I haven’t been sitting here long.” 

He gave me his sassy “I don’t believe you look.” 

I shrugged, “I feel like you're insinuating something. Whatever it is, it’s not accurate.” 

He smiled at me, “Yeah, ok.” 

He laid back in the lounge chair. He started tapping on the sides of the chair as I was attempting to read. It was completely distracting me. 

“You have sunscreen on, right?” 

I looked over at him and raised an eyebrow. It was my turn to narrow my eyes. He held his hands up.

“Hey, just making sure all of that… skin… is safe.” 

He looked a little flustered. I was half tempted to ask him to put some on my back, but I wasn’t sure if I could handle it. I finally gave up on reading. We ended up chatting for a bit until it got too hot. As we were getting up to go inside, he took the opportunity to scoop me up over his shoulder and throw me into the pool. It didn’t go unnoticed by me that he had his hand resting on my ass as he carried me. I didn’t mind it of course. I still threw a few choice words at him as I climbed out of the pool though.

He watched me as laughed hysterically, “Sorry, I just wanted to see you get wet,” he said between laughs. I gave him a disbelieving look. 

Once he realized what he had said, he had a surprised look on his face as he snapped his mouth shut. 

“I’m gonna go take a shower,” he said quickly. 

“Yeah, you better get out of my sight you weirdo.” 

He threw his towel at me as he headed toward the house, looking slightly embarrassed, but also glancing in my direction as I dried off. It was becoming more apparent to me that we were both shamelessly flirting with each other. I just hoped it didn’t lead to the downfall of our friendship in the process. 

By the time we both showered (separately), it was nearing dinner time. We opted for doordash from a local Mexican restaurant that he enjoyed. While we waited, we started an episode of a new series we had been eyeballing. When the food arrived, we ate quickly, then went back to our marathon. We sat the same way we had the previous night. At one point I had reached down to scratch his head again, but he grabbed my hand and held it against his shoulder instead. He sat lightly rubbing circles with his thumb for some time. I briefly wondered if he was afraid he would fall asleep again. 

As it got later, I started to doze off. He gently woke me up to let me know he was going to go home. I suddenly felt anxious about him being alone for the night. He seemed like he was feeling better though, so I let it slide. He gave me a quick hug and kiss on the cheek as he headed out the door for the night. I went to bed soon after. 

I was jolted awake from a deep sleep by the loud ringing of my cell. I glanced up at the clock. It was 3:24 AM. I quickly reached over to grab my phone, worried something was wrong. It was Dieter. 

“Dieter? Are you ok?” 

“Do you mind if I come back over?” As he asked, his voice seemed unsteady. He didn’t even bother to explain why. He didn’t have to. I already knew. 

“Of course not. Do whatever you need to.” 

He immediately hung up. I wasn’t sure how much longer it was before I felt him slide into bed with me. When he did, he didn’t hesitate to pull my back against his chest, tightly hugging me to him. He nuzzled his face into the back of my neck. I reached up behind me to rub at his face. It was wet. He had been crying again. He reached for my hand, removing it from his face and kissing it gently before he entwined our fingers and moved them down to rest at my chest. It didn’t take long before he was asleep.

Next Chapter

Tag List: @rhoorl, @bitchwitch1981, @readingiskeepingmegoing, @runningmom94, @for-a-longlongtime, @hisandsnakes

[astoriachef]

[jazzytrait]

(transcript under the cut)

London: Welcome back, ladies and gentlemen. Let's get to the part we've all been waiting for: It's time to meet our competitors! Bernard Harper by @akitasimblr (a clone because Harpers do not die. So sayeth their Watcher.) - A consummate athlete - Cares very little about appearances - Has a degree in biology and played college football - Loves extreme sports - The son of a famous jungle explorer - Regularly goes on climbing excursions in Mt. Komorebi

Lavender Song by @comfyinn - Has a twin sister - A passionate painter - Lucky color is yellow - Known to be very jealous of her twin - Her necklace is a gift from her sister - Friendly and loves talking to people and making friends

Lauren Mack by @potionofquestionablecontents - Raised in a rural fishing village - Handy, with a background in machinery repair - Fiercely independent - Known to be a massive slob - Very confident

Aubree Weller by @natiesims - Windenburg native and the eldest of 3 - Lifelong student of martial arts - Professional boxer and yoga instructor - Has also worked as a model, bartender and in PR - Has a degree in communications - Loves the outdoors and gets cranky being inside

Tianna Rhodes by @yeshummingbird - Recent immigrant to SimNation from Sixam - Has a sim archaeology degree from Sixam University - Deeply interested in sim culture - A skilled fabricator - Known to be handy - Has a hobby interest in rocket science

Carter Rosen by @simsinfinitylt - From a remote village in the forests - Adept at wilderness survival - Ex-military who resigned due to a knee injury - Lives in seclusion and is rarely seen in society - Suffers from PTSD - Is known to be paranoid form time to time

Chen Huan by @moonfromearth - Renowned monster/occult hunter - Spends their free time keeping fit and staying active - Cautious to the point of seeming paranoid - Very handy and resourceful - A mysterious figure in society, only seen when working - Competitive and ready for action

Kendall Shockley by @wildmelon - Known for her bad attitude - Constantly finds flaws in others - Loves to aggravate people to get a reaction - Favorite animal is a skunk - Resourceful and handy - Trusts no one

London: Alright, folks. Let's get down to business. It's time for us to go to The Arena for our first challenge: Hell's Kitchen. Stay tuned until after these messages. Things are about to get... heated.

[carriehobbs]

i mentioned that each of my detectives have at least one central issue that defines a significant part of their lives and personality. then i was asked to elaborate on this thought.

to me, i can't divorce how these characters are in-game from why these characters are that way. so i think i'll need to start at the beginning.

under the cut for (very long) length.

this is an obligatory reminder that i have a list of my detectives here, along with some of their dominant traits and their romance routes. think of this as a handy cheat sheet, if you'd like one.

when i first heard about wayhaven, it was shortly after book 3 had been released and someone i follow had been posting about the a route. so, going in to playing, all i really knew about wayhaven was a very small bit about a (namely that their route involved a lot of will-they-won't-they slowburn denial) and that they, as the only character i knew in the game, were the ro i intended to romance first.

thus, when i made lauren renfield, my adam-romancing detective, i had only one question in mind to guide her character: what kind of person would not only tolerate being jerked around by someone who is supposed to love them, but would come back willingly?

the answer i came to was: someone who desperately wants to be loved enough by someone for them to choose her.

from this concept naturally emerged lauren's terrible relationship with rebecca. stats-wise, their relationship is bad and, though it fluctuates somewhat, it stays bad. the issue in their relationship isn't that lauren doesn't know that rebecca loves her, because she does know this (how could she not when rebecca says as much surprisingly frequently?), but lauren also knows that rebecca is incapable of loving her in a way that (in her view) has any meaning.

to lauren, love is choice. you can feel the emotion of love for someone, but it means nothing if you will not choose to be with or stand beside that person. and she knows that rebecca will never choose her or prioritize her, especially not over the agency. there have been enough times as it is where her life has been in danger and rebecca has come to her to tell her how worried she is, only to receive an agency phone call and leave within five minutes to take it (for example, the end of book 1 or, if i remember correctly, in book 3 where the ro interrupts the detective and rebecca talking to say that the agency couldn't reach rebecca for a phone call, which she then leaves to take).

so lauren knows that she will never be rebecca's priority and that rebecca will never choose her, but god does that not stop her from wanting. every time rebecca reaches out or expresses concern, there's some part of her that truly believes that maybe this time will be different. she cannot stop herself from reaching back. and yet every time it is not different: rebecca still leaves and still shows her where she exists in the hierarchy of things rebecca deems important. and then the other part of her berates herself for always getting her hopes up. in truth, lauren hates herself for this - her ultimate, incurable weakness.

and so, as one does when they grow up this way, lauren eventually came to see herself as the kind of person that no one would ever choose. she grew detached and distant from other people, and then ultimately abandoned trying to form meaningful personal relationships in favour of focusing on her work (which, in turn, conveniently gave her an excuse for not having personal relationships - it's not that she's isolated herself, it's that she's too busy with work). her work becomes her source of pride and from where she derives her internal sense of her own value. she lives in a home she's barely furnished because she spends all her time at work. (prior to meeting ub) her closest friends are tina and verda, who she met through work and who she does not believe actually like her. she genuinely cares about them, but she believes that they see her as little more than a particularly competent coworker. she hates bobby, but she always lets him back in to her house and her life because he seems to be the only person who keeps coming back for her, even if it's only for his own self-serving interests.

enter adam du mortain.

lauren does not doubt that adam is in love with her. nor, really, does she doubt that she's in love with him. the problem with adam is that his favourite hobby is dangling the possibility that maybe this time he will confess to his own feelings, only to pull away when she tries to get close. and lauren falls for it every time. as much as she hates herself for it, she cannot stop herself from hoping that this time adam will stay. she's never the first one to pull away. so many of the problems present in her relationship with rebecca repeat themselves in her relationship with adam. she knows that she loves him and that he loves her, and she also knows that he will never choose to be with her (and so ultimately his love does nothing but hurt her), but every time he offers her any affection or hint of closeness, she can't help but hope that maybe this time things will be different.

the second detective i made was alina langford, my nate-romancing detective. after lauren's bad relationship with rebecca, i wanted to play through wayhaven with a detective who has a good relationship with rebecca. i knew i wanted alina to be a fundamentally kind person (i've mentioned previously that i need to play a nice person who wants to make friends with everyone at least once) but, much like with when i made lauren, i asked myself one central question that underpinned much of how alina developed as a character: what kind of person could be raised by an absentee parent and still love them uncritically?

for alina, the answer i came to was: someone who cannot see that they deserve better.

alina never blamed rebecca for her absences growing up; instead, she made excuses for her. rebecca wanted to be home on time, but she's just very busy. her job is very important. it would be selfish, even, to be upset when rebecca is doing her best. she just has a very busy, very important job. rebecca loves her. rebecca wants to be there. and when rebecca is there, alina soaks up as much of her time and attention as she can get, so grateful to be getting any of it at all that she never considers what more she could have.

over time, alina learned to see herself as less important. not just less important than rebecca's work, but less important than everything. it's not that she thinks she deserves to be treated poorly, per se, as much as it is that she can't really recognize that she deserves to be treated better.

consider, as an example, alina's relationship with bobby: i've always imagined them dating in college for about 2-3 years and even living together. i think that alina really was in love with him at first, but then that feeling slipped away as their relationship progressed (up until she broke up with him after she caught him plagiarizing her work). i don't think that they were miserable together (though i don't imagine they were particularly happy either), and i think that, for the most part, they stayed together because it was easier to do so than to break up. alina could not even consider that she might deserve a better relationship than this: that she might deserve romance and passion and a relationship that gives her more than just consistency.

all of this, of course, is compounded by the fact that alina has been constantly, painfully lonely her whole life. her self-confidence suffered significantly. she lost (if she ever had) the ability to view herself as someone with value to contribute. she comes off as incredibly humble - constantly trying to share any accolades or credit she may receive and downplaying her own achievements - almost uncomfortably so. she doesn't think much of herself, and so she does not think to ask for much either.

as a result, her relationship with nate surprises her. in book 1 (especially just before the murphy attack, when he tries to kiss her), she doesn't think he takes her seriously - he's a special agent with a secretive supernatural government agency, whereas she's just some detective who didn't even deserve her position. once they're dating, however, he treats her the way no partner ever has before. she's taken aback every time by his thoughtfulness, his care, his love for her, because she never thought being on the receiving end of all that was even a possibility. she never knew that something like this could exist, and certainly never knew she could have it for herself.

alina told nate that she loved him in the book 3 research scene, which is the moment she realized that she loved him, but in my heart of hearts i know that the scene played out differently. instead, when he showed her everything he had arranged for them out in the garden, she says to him tearfully and in that bewildered way, where something is so wonderful and unexpected and incomprehensible that it hurts old wounds you forgot you had, that no one had ever done something like this before and that she loves him. in that moment she knew and in that moment it erupted unexpectedly out of her - she wouldn't have been able to wait until later while they were doing research to tell him.

after alina came sydney "syd" kingston, my morgan-romancing detective. syd didn't have a central question, but came into being because i wanted to play a sarcastic asshole (neither lauren or alina are the type). i also knew i was romancing morgan, so my character inspiration for this romance route was "two cunts in love". syd cares a lot about people, and actually cares a lot about her job, but it's all hidden so far underneath a veneer of assholery and dickishness that most people don't really get to see it.

syd is fine. syd is always fine. syd is never not fine. her relationship with rebecca is fine (to the point that she was taken aback in book 3 when rebecca wanted to be closer, because why would rebecca want that? things are fine). her recovery (mentally and physically) from murphy and the trappers is fine. her relationship with morgan is fine (in book 3, she realized that she's in love with morgan, and immediately decided to never tell her. in her mind, morgan has warmed up to her as a person and as a friend, but their relationship was set out to be explicitly and exclusively sexual back in book 2, no feelings involved. as far as syd knows, this is still the agreement between them. so morgan can never know that she has feelings). no one needs to worry about her. she's fine.

but she can never not be fine, because if she starts to pull the thread of this particular sweater, she will unravel the whole thing. if she acknowledges that what murphy did to her was traumatizing and that she still has nightmares about it, it will mean that she has to reassess everything else she has ever been "fine" about: if she thought she was fine with murphy but is actually decidedly not fine, then what other things has she said were "fine" that aren't? it means opening the door to not just acknowledging but feeling her anger at rebecca for being absent during her childhood. it means being vulnerable with people and being sincere about the ways that she has been hurt.

so she doesn't examine any of it. she's fine. it's all fine.

after syd came andrea "andy" reeves, my farah-romancing detective. i actually struggled the most with andy (i had to do two passes at her character) and i only settled into what she's like after a) i figured out what's wrong with her and b) i explicitly made her a lesbian. andy is in the unique position amongst my detectives of having what's wrong with her be (almost) completely unrelated to rebecca!! congrats andy!! 🎉🎉

andy's relationship with rebecca is also unique in that it is the most dynamic of all of my detectives': lauren's relationship starts bad and stays bad, alina's relationship starts good and stays good, and syd's relationship starts meh and is (at least for now) likely to stay meh. andy's relationship, in comparison, starts bad, and starts to get better in book 3.

andy spent her entire childhood hating rebecca and acting out against her. much like lauren, andy realized from a young age that rebecca would never give her the kind of love that she wanted in the ways that she wanted it, and she decided that having nothing was better than having something less than what she wanted. andy felt so much anger towards her mother for years. it was only in book 2, when she was talking to farah about how farah came to our world from echo world (farah mentions her mother, but doesn't explicitly state that her mother is dead/didn't make it through the portal until book 3 - but andy's not an idiot), that she began to reassess. over the end of book 2/the time between books 2 and 3, she thought about what would happen if rebecca died or if she died while doing this job. it's clearly a dangerous job: rook died doing it, andy's almost died several times doing it. andy took for granted, i think, the idea that rebecca would always be around to hate, but hearing farah's story about losing her own mother made her realize that that assumption isn't true. and andy realized in that moment that if something happened and she never got the chance to speak to rebecca again, all she would be able to think would be that all of this, all of the anger and hatred, had been so stupid.

in book 3, she tells rebecca that she wants them to grow closer. she still knows that rebecca will not be able to give her what she spent her life wanting, nor would they ever get the time back, but she feels now that she was wrong before: her relationship with rebecca will be different than what she always wanted, but it won't be worthless.

andy's second issue is mainly the realization that she can die. andy is my high combat skill detective. the short version of this story is that, when she was in university and starting to dress more masculinely and come into her own identity, she stopped some drunk guys at a bar from harassing some friends she was out with (very get-in-their-face, intimidate-them-into-backing-down). in that moment she realized that she had the power to protect people, to make a meaningful difference for them. that she could put herself between innocent people and the things that want to hurt them and that she could protect them.

this became a big part of her identity, and for years this worked without a problem. she became overconfident. when the agency asked to run the blood tests, she declined: not because she distrusts the agency (though she doesn't really trust them), but because she was confident enough in her own abilities to handle the situation that she didn't think she needed the extra help.

then murphy got her.

now she's incredibly traumatized by the experience with murphy, and is scared in a way she hasn't ever really felt because of her blood, and because the trackers are hunting her. for the first time, she's prey and not predator. and she doesn't know how to cope with it. she doesn't know how to cope with the trauma itself, and she doesn't know how to cope with the fact that she is traumatized when she thought herself invincible. because, as she's learned so many times since the beginning of the series, she isn't invincible.

and none of them got therapy (mostly because none of them recognize that they need it)!

[cmesinic]

After defeating t-rump in the cognitive competition, I challenged Lauren Bobo. Now she was really tough. I got a handy, which made it hard to concentrate, but I showed her my guns and she got off.

[secularprolifeconspectus]

Lauren Handy Opens 115 Aborted Fetuses

CW: murder victims #JusticeForTheFive

To watch: