#Laudna with a dead rat

[atleastweasel]

This was so out of my comfort zone that I'm very nervous to post this. Nobody sees my Tumblr anyway though so here's my first venture into drawing people/Laudna/fan art ect.

[0scinine]

In honor of Imogen and Laudna co-parenting in e71

This idea slapped me across the face and I was helpless to do anything but bring it into the world

[yashley]

when your dead rat you made tells you how he only has purpose when he’s being used by you so does he really even matter as an individual unto himself

[autistic-beshelar]

ashton aspd king

[symbolicbluecurtains]

AU in which everything is the same but Fearne has a polaroid camera

[IMAGE ID: Digital art in the style of a Polaroid picture of Fearne, Imogen, Laudna, Little Mister, and Pate from Critical Role: Bell's Hells. They are pictured from the waist up in a group hug and smiling. Laudna is holding Pate and Little Mister is on Fearnes shoulder. Fearne is a faun with green' hair, one hand has blackened clawed fingertips, and she has twisted horns. Imogen is a young woman with purple hair and eyes. Laudna is an undead woman with black hair. Pate is a dead rat with a raven skull head and Little Mister is a monkey. End ID]

[southern-gothic-comic]

Page 84

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(Author's Notes)

Panel 1: Everything is suffused with the softness of morning light. Imogen wakes up, smiling in contentment at her surroundings. Laudna is still asleep beside her, hair sleep-tangled and falling in her face, eyes and mouth a little open, bedraggled cat doll on the pillow, dead rat tucked under her chin. All of this is precious to her.

Panel 2: Carefully she brushes her hair back from her face, revealing her scarred throat and one maimed ear.

Panel 3: Imogen leans down and kisses her ear tenderly.

Panel 4: Laudna opens her eyes to find Imogen leaning over her. Reaching up, she caresses her cheek with the backs of her fingers and Imogen leans affectionately into her touch like a cat.

Laudna: Everything all right, love?

Imogen: Mmm-hm.

Laudna: No bad dreams?

Imogen: None at all. I haven't had a nightmare in weeks, come to think of it.

Laudna: Maybe they're gone for good!

Panel 5: Laudna starts preparing breakfast while Imogen pours water for tea.

Imogen: Wouldn't that be somethin'? I feel like gettin' out of Gelvaan's done me a world of good.

Laudna: You look happy.

Imogen: I am! I feel better out here than I have in years. Makin' our own way, and no one's mind pressin' up against mine except for yours.

Panel 6: They sit on the stoop with their tea. Imogen leans her head against Laudna's shoulder.

Imogen: Are you?

Laudna: Oh, yes. I'd be happy anywhere with you. I'm afraid it's quite a bit more humble than your old home, though. 

Imogen: Darlin', I'm happier in this li'l hut with you than any other house I've lived in. You're here. That's what makes it home.

Panel 7: Wider view of the surrounding woods. The trees are more autumn-colored than they were last time we saw them.

Laudna: It doesn't have to be for always. If we don't find the answers you're looking for here, we can always keep going on to that fancy academy in Jrusar.

Imogen: I don't mind stoppin' here until spring, at least. Glad we found a snug place to stay before the snow comes. To get to Jrusar we'll have to go through the Kaal Mountains, and that'd be hard goin' once winter sets in. Then it's north for a long stretch through the Hellcatch Valley on the other side and into the Oderan Wilds. {sigh} Long ways off, still.

Laudna: We'll get there. One step at a time. I'll follow wherever you lead.

[nellasbookplanet]

I'm still thinking about Laudna and how, as she starts breaking down and the jagged pieces show more and more, earlier aspects of her characterization take a new, kind of horrifying shape.

Laudna was never upset - in fact, the idea seemingly never occurred to her - about Imogen voicing the opinion that maybe the Vanguard was right, even after they murdered Laudna right in front of her. She has never, as far as we have seen, actively sought a way to be rid of Delilah, or to grow her magic in ways that don’t involve Delilah. She talks about a fear of holding Imogen back, encourages Imogen to move on once Laudna is gone. She represses negative emotions but at the same time her joy in life is genuine and overflowing, not a mask.

It all builds a picture of someone who isn't only undead in terms of game mechanics, but who genuinely doesn’t really see herself as alive. Laudna sees herself as living on borrowed time. Marisha has spoken of her as someone who has lived through trauma and moved past it; I believe she means that not in the sense that she's unbothered by her trauma - we have seen she’s not - but that it in a sense doesn’t matter to her. She’s already dead. There’s no point in healing, or seeking a solution or cure, only in finding as much joy as she can in every little thing until the darkness catches up with her. When she regressed in Whitestone post shard incident, there were mentions of her not fully remembering her early days as an undead. She was unstable, not fully sure of what was real and what wasn’t, maintaining her sliver of sanity by talking to the evil necromancer in her mind and an anthropomorphized dead rat. She was likely treated by locals like some scary monster because she largely acted like one. She was a hollow one in every sense of the word. Then she met Imogen, someone who not only wasn’t scared of her and saw her as human, but who understood her struggle; I suspect this genuine human connection was what brought her out of nearly three decades of hollowness.

And in that, she has made Imogen her purpose where before she had none. If the Vanguard is Imogen's destiny, then it doesn’t matter that they killed Laudna because Laudna was a lost cause even before Otohan killed her. Exandria and Laudna both were hollow before Imogen, because she had no real connections, and so now Imogen is all that matters. If Imogen wants to fight Predathos, Laudna will fight. If Imogen wants to leave the struggle and go live in a cottage, Laudna would go with her. If she wants to join Predathos, Laudna would help her. If Imogen died, Laudna would sacrifice Exandria and the gods and the remains of her own soul to get her back.

[pocketgalaxies]

sylas going "you have ripped away my beloved for eternity and for that i'm going to make you endure unbelievable suffering" little does he know some idiot named laudna is prancing around tal'dorei with delilah in her brain and not doing anything except crafting a horny dead rat about it

[shorthaltsjester]

seeing people use the various pinterest “pain that just made this person kind” quotes about laudna over the past few months truly grind my gears. like. textually no actually all that pain has irrevocably changed laudna in ways that are not kind, has changed her ways that means she dehumanizes herself, views herself as a dead end unworthy/incapable of having a life let alone a happy ending, and she can be calculated and cruel like. it is true that she is playful, but (and this is a theme across all fandoms about women in fiction honestly but especially in cr fandom) the reason her kindness is resonant is because we see that it’s not the only option that she’s resorted to out of her own pain, in fact it’s probably the hardest option faced with the trauma that she has. like the reason the moment in whitestone when she apologizes to percy because she recognizes they are both in pain from the same source, to me that’s as resonant as it is because up until the moment she made that choice to be kind, it seemed equally possible that she would lash out because of the different places they currently are in and that her pain still takes up such a huge role in her life.

this is probably a bigger issue i have with the notion of pain making people kind as if it the people in question have no choice but especially in cases like laudna where currently we’re seeing exactly how unkind her pain can make her — not in a Shes Evil way but just in a. it isn’t actually kind at all to hate yourself even if it makes you docile or willing to bend yourself to the plans of (even well intentioned) others. like, it wasn’t actually the years of solitude and delilah manipulation that made laudna kind, and in fact i’d argue that textually we’ve only seen proof that those years have made it harder for laudna to be kind in a way she might’ve been when she was still matilda; i think particularly of her attitude with children that would be taken more kindly from someone more alive and someone less literally haunting. that also shines in the whitestone exchange with percy, because it’s the recognition that underneath the cold and calculating city leader and the haunting witch come back from the dead again, they’re just two kids who had the unfortunate fate of having been targets for delilah briarwood, as different as the reasons for that were, they still both have to live with the pain, and they both likely would’ve been much kinder people if they didn’t have to.

kindness is a social skill that requires both practice/maintenance and awareness of those who you direct it at, neither of which are particular strengths of someone who has spent 30 years alone with her own voice mediated through a rat puppet or her patron’s in her head. and i do think it’s important for recognize that laudna tries to be kind, but i think the tragedy of her story and the complexity of her character is harshly undersold if you look at her and just ascribe her to the “all that pain and it just made her kind.” it makes the most interesting parts of laudna flat and static and worst of all, agencyless.

[the-useless-vampire]

Marisha made the most character ever with Laudna. She's a horror. She has musical thoughts. She drips goo. She loves kids. She'll scare people for funsies. She is dead. She's alive. She has a deceased necromancer in her head. She's in love with a mind reader. She loves royalty. She was killed by them. She made a dead rat with a bird skull. She can spider climb. She can pop a spooky doggo from her chest. I am gay. And so is she

[big-moon-little-moon]

a list of people (and non-people) who know Imogen and Laudna are dating as of episode 72 (two months after the kiss)

Chetney

Paté de Rolo, Laudna's dead rat familiar

Ulli, a skysailing instructor from Zephrah

Deanna, because she has absolutely scryed on them and put two and two together

F.R.I.D.A., because Deanna was very excited and told them

Zhudanna, because she thought they were a couple this whole time

Bruda, a cursed pirate skeleton lady with a gambling problem

[is-she-your-favorite]

Laudna: body parts falling off for no reason

Laudna: bones popping out of their sockets

Laudna: cries, bleeds and sweats black ichor

Laudna: “I have festering sores all over my body all the time, I bruise easy”

Laudna: smells of decay

Laudna: has a horny dead rat as a pet

Laudna: her form of dread is just the most nightmarish creature imaginable

Imogen : *falls head over heels in love

[thewickedkat]

long post incoming; meta enthusiasts may wish to digest this in chunks.

i am so completely exasperated with Laudna as of the latest episode. however, i temper that exasperation with my enjoyment as a viewer; indeed, i am feasting on the conflict, thinking finally, some good fucking food, because i think (and have always thought) that Laudna is terrifically interesting as a character and she presents wonderful opportunities for growth not only on her end, but as a catalyst for others.

that being said. the sword. how she handled it. how she handled her own trauma bubbling up, how she handled (or didn't) Delilah, how she handled Orym and Chetney and Dorian and the whole miserable mess she made.

it was selfish. there. i said it. you may disagree with me, i care not, but her course of action was terribly selfish and destructive.

i know many people out there have been likening her behaviour to that of an addict's (and there are many common factors there: the hiding, the lying by omission, the shame, the acquiescence to bad behaviour), but i think in some ways that to do so is reductive, and also removes agency from Laudna herself.

she is allowing her trauma to almost make her decisions for her, allowing it to define her, and she is not giving herself the opportunity to realise that growth beyond it is possible--or, perhaps, she does realise this and is simply too afraid to reach out and grasp it. i think even if Delilah weren't trying to subsume her, Laudna would still be self-sabotaging and self-destructive and still try to hide the parts of her she felt were undesirable; Delilah in many ways simply makes it easier for Laudna to do so and, if pressed, provides a rationalisation for Laudna's choices and actions (as in 'it wasn't me, it was her, she made me do it).

first and foremost, Laudna was a victim of heinous trauma, being murdered and then being put on grotesque display. then she was further traumatised in coming back from the dead and being forced to isolate herself from people for many years, with only Delilah's honeysweet venom dripping into her ear for that time. then she is murdered again as an object lesson for the woman she loves, then stuffed down so deep into her own psyche by the one who first killed her; she is fought for and brought back by her friends...who then seem to do little to check in with her, to make sure she is stable, or coping, because they each have their own baggage and oh by the way, the world is possibly ending. to be fair, there is little time for therapy and stability when you are literally running from crisis to crisis and trying to stop something you haven't even conceived of in your nightmares.

she feels dismissed, often, minimised, and she never developed healthy people skills or coping mechanisms (i am sorry but as much as i love Pâté, a dead rat does not a support group make). so she lashes out, has poor emotional regulation, and Does Crappy Things. so i also understand when she said 'what else have i to give, but myself?'

all that being said. what she did with Orym and the sword was fucking selfish. she is behaving like a child, as if she is the only one whose tragedies matter; she's playing Oppression Olympics, and can i just point out that Orym was the one to say 'i'm sorry' but Laudna never apologised for accosting him while he slept and hurting him? saying 'i didn't mean to hurt you' is not the same, because that implies that if she had not hurt him, stealing from him was perfectly acceptable and reasonable.

i don't believe her when she said 'i accept responsibility' because that means one must accept the consequences of their own actions, and right after she said that, she argued with everyone, told the oldest member of the Hells that he had no right to talk about loss to her, and then fled. that isn't accepting responsibility; that is mouthing platitudes in the hopes you will sway others to your point of view and when it fails, leaving in a huff like a child having a tantrum.

she didn't even bother to ask Orym why he kept the sword. she just tried to take.

Laudna often reacts from a place of fear: of pain, of more trauma, fear of inadequacy, of loss. all of these fears are valid. they are understandable, given all that has happened to her. but just because her fears are valid does not give her the right to make others pay for her emotional baggage. this is what makes her behaviour in ep 95 selfish. all of her actions in the back half of that episode are things she chose to do, and now she must sit in the mess she made. Laudna seems to be falling into the same mental rut that many victims fall into when their trauma isn't dealt with in a healthy fashion: they start fucking others over, as if being a victim excuses it. it does not.

and before others come for me, i say that as one who used to do the same fucking thing but i was lucky enough to have therapy. Laudna doesn't have that luxury--none of the Hells do. there simply isn't time to make space for any of their issues, not just Laudna's. Imogen is still wrestling with her mother; Fearne is wrestling with her parentage; Orym is just trying to keep his feet under him and do what he feels is right without betraying anyone he cares for (yes, including Laudna, shut up); Ashton is still trying to process the loss of Fresh Cut Grass (for gods' sakes, the crafting night was a fucking wake for the lil guy); Dorian just lost his brother and watched his friend succumb to a Betrayer God that turned her into a monster; and Chetney? Chetney is an old man who, i personally think, can pick his battles and knows how to compartmentalise better than any of these kids.

Laudna is not unique in that she has suffered horribly. no one is saying she hasn't, but her behaviour implies that she believes they are saying that. her actions imply she believes not only that she does not trust her friends (thanks, Dorian), but that acknowledging others' losses somehow negates hers. there just isn't time to healthily process any of this, which sucks. it does. i do think her friends love her, care for her deeply, and i think part of the reason they haven't checked up on her as much as they could is because a) they're afraid that her problem with Delilah is much worse than they thought (duh, it is); b) they can't fix the Delilah Problem right now even if they were qualified to do so (even Pike couldn't scour that bitch out of Laudna, she said as much); and c) they run the very substantial risk of wholly alienating Laudna if they press the issue too hard, thus not only losing an asset in the fight against the Vanguard and Ludinus, but also a friend and lover.

it's shit, all around, we all know that. but to pretend that it's okay she did what she did to Orym--or worse, somehow transfer responsibility from her onto him and make it his fault--is infantilising and disingenuous at best, and more than a little insulting.

[morequeerbytheyear]

The Hells have never reacted to Delilah well. They have demonised her and told Laudna to ignore her and actively chosen to ignore signs of her influence over Laudna themselves. And that seems the obvious route to take. Especially with everything the group have been facing I cannot blame them for it. But it has never helped.

Especially since Imogen and Fearne physically heard from Delilah herself in Whitestone. They now know that she is a soft presence in Laudna's mind. They know that she is evil and power-hungry, but they have now heard for themselves that she is soft with Laudna, where before they were probably imagining this evil abusive and menacing witch in Laudna's head, because she is evil, and abusive, and until we ourselves heard her being so almost comforting to Laudna, I think we mostly all assumed the same.

And the whole group know that Laudna spent 28 years with only this voice in her head for company (besides a dead rat she spoke with to keep sane). They should know by now that Delilah is there (they all saw how Laudna acted around the shard), and also that she is part of Laudna. Not a part that anyone has to like or want to stay around, but she is there. And has been for 30 years.

They should be helping Laudna try to move away from her influence, and nourishing her own abilities (especially Fearne and Imogen who know Delilah wants power to defeat the gods and therefore is pushing Laudna to gain that power!). But they haven't done that. They aren't taking the right steps to undo 30 years of Delilah's influence. And that won't be easy! But pretending she isn't constantly there and that she isn't a part of Laudna is only giving Delilah more opportunity to sink her claws into Laudna's physche.

I don't quite know what the answer is, but the group just aren't treating this like an ending that Laudna has spent 30 years hurtling towards. Yes she is incredibly strong to still be her own person, and to be as positive as she is! But they don't seem to put enough thought into what 28 years alone with your killer would actually do to a person.

And then to have her second killer in the room where she's expected to sleep? To have Delilah in her head and the blade that carved through her across the room from her? All her biggest traumas in one place? It was bound to be overwhelming. And Delilah knew that and knew that that was a moment to prey on Laudna's fear.

Like I said, I don't know what the answer is. But they can't just keep ignoring the fact that for 28 years Delilah was something of an almost calming presence to Laudna. Soft, and abusive yes, but in that horrible way that seems almost loving. And having real, true friends around her showing her real love and affection and care is not going to be enough to undo those 28 years of slow torment and grooming.

Other people are saying similar things much more coherently than me but I need to get my thoughts out so

[utilitycaster]

I put this in the tags of one of my posts but here is my submission for "why having Pelor appeal to Laudna specifically on the basis of the Sun Tree connection would be great":

Would confirm the Sun Tree patronage which is good because like, the point of a warlock is the patron relationship and while I think Delilah's potential has been utterly exhausted by now, Laudna does need a patron. I'm not sure how the subclass continues to work with this but to be fair it sort of hasn't made sense for a while so it can just not make sense, it's fine

Further Dark Reflection of Vex parallels

Explicitly puts her at odds with Imogen's current worldview; excellent conflict potential

It's possible that team AOL will either have cleric or paladin companions, or will simply not receive divine messages, but if they do this is more interesting to me than Orym and the Wildmother, which felt like a more contained moment, though I wouldn't be mad if we got both.

I think Laudna should show a famously serious Prime Deity her Cockney dead rat familiar and see what happens