#LIKE. I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO PUT IT INTO WORDS. ESP WITHOUT SOUNDING LIKE

[moe-broey]

There's just like a lot of things about me that make me feel like I'm profoundly unlovable

[kittyplanchett3]

In a group setting how would someone know if brainwashing play was bad or not? How can you tell if the brainwashing play is abusive or unsafe?

I've been waiting to answer this one cuz it's taken me awhile to type it up. This is a long one. cw: mentions of abuse/manipulation in the context of coersive control/coersive persuasion and both kinky and abusive brainwashing

The use of the word simulate below (in regards to brainwashing) is intentional as there is no way to truly brainwash someone that doesn't involve abusive coersive control and the non-consentual manipulation/subversion of someones core values and boundaries in ways that aren't sexy or fun. Actual (non-kinky/real) brainwashing and consentual kink are incompatible. With that said, you can definitely simulate brainwashing safety in kink scenes. Hopefully what I wrote out will help you figure out where things land <3

The answer:

As y'all know I was in a cult that did involve legitimate abusive mind control techniques that larger cults often use and people frequently ask me the difference between consensual brainwashing/mind control in safe & consensual hypno fantasies/scenes vs abusive brainwashing/mind control/persuasive coercion in abusive dynamics & cults. After experiencing both, I would say the best way to tell is by comparing your situation with scenarios that I've listed below. Obviously this can vary based on the type of play you are engaging in but if you find a few things to be true, I would def be careful.

- you might actually be in an abusive situation if you can't ever hit pause during play, safeword, or discuss the nature of your play with your tist outside of scenes and if there was never discussion about this aspect of the dynamic before engaging in that play. if you tist makes you feel bad about asserting a limit or boundary or changes how they show you attention/communication/shame to punish you for asserting yourself or challenging them esp out of scenes without any negotiation/discussion that's ofc a red flag.

in situations that involve cult like abusive brainwashing, the work rly begins once you have reached a limit so the person would want to bring you to a breaking point, then keep you there and actively surpass it. if this doesn't sound fun, it's not. if it sounds fun, you probably aren't realizing this usually involves limits you have that you cannot sexualize. a good chunk of abusive brainwashing will focus on things you have no interest in doing and that you don't find sexy or fun. in extreme situations this could include things that are disfiguring, or that could ruin or risk your or someone else's life.

- someone assuming you are okay with anything or making you feel like you should be in order to be a good sub is never a good thing when you consider what anything could mean to some people. i know a lot of people enjoy being like "I have no limits" but most people have a list of limits if you bring up situations like bodily disfigurement, theft of money or things that could put their housing/freedom/life at risk...it's important to remember these things don't matter to someone who doesn't care about hurting you.

- you might actually be in an abusive situation if there is no room to challenge or disagree with your tist in and especially out of scenes. emphasis on this if this aspect of the dynamic was never negotiated or talked about before. even in 24/7 dynamics, these things are generally discussed. if your tist expects complete obedience from day one and there has never been space to talk about what that means or your limits/goals etc thats generally not a great sign. if your tist tries to tell you that's what brainwashing entails, i would run cuz they aren't completely lying but that also means your safety, goals and happiness won't matter to them. if you say you are struggling with an aspect of the play and they push it harder, that can be hot in some dynamics but also that's kind of a red flag if they push harder on those things without first sitting you down to ask you about what you mean that you are struggling with a particular thing.

- in abusive dynamics/cults that use persuasive coercion, your goals/boundaries/limits etc don't actually matter and often times these things will be actively weaponized and used against you to break you. if a dominant is constantly testing limits/boundaries without discussion/negotiation or is actively violating your hard limits/boundaries.

- if your tist ONLY seems interested in the things you have clearly stated that don't want to do/have no interest in exploring/explaining things you normally consent to when you aren't in the mood to engage with those things...that's such a fucking red flag. with actual brainwashing your goal for the play doesn't actually matter and your tist is likely to start pushing you towards something you aren't actually that interested in, often using your disinterest/push back as an example of why you haven't reached the actual goal you are attempting to attain. self sacrifice is a theme in abusive brainwashing but you don't get a choice about what parts are sacrificed...which can be hot in theory until you realize you don't get any say or input and the control extends to all of your other relationships. this might start off looking like limit testing disguised as a joke.

**note: limit testing can start out seeming harmless but essentially that's only to groom you to be comfortable with having your limits/boundaries tested in bigger ways. this might look like a dominant telling you to try to eat a food you don't want to try or even a dominant buying you something you told them you didn't want them to buy you. some things they push you to do may seem ultimately beneficial as well which can make this confusing if it's happening at it may not seem as much of a red flag in the moment especially if some of the things they are pushing end up being good experiences. the problem is how this changes over time and often leads to them testing you in ways that aren't at all fun or beneficial. the reason I mentioned gifts is buying you something that you told them not to buy you/sending you money you told them not to send you is often a way to test how you respond to control/limits because it can be written off as a good faith judgment mistake/they can play it off like they didn't have bad intentions if confronted. 

- in a healthy scene or dynamic where mind control/brainwashing is simulated either in a scene or over time ultimately the sub will still always be in control and that loss of control will be simulated safely. hard limits will still be respected and there is always space made to negotiate or pause/stop a scene. the focus will be on something the sub ultimately has set as a goal/has agreed upon. in abusive situations what a sub wants/their goals don't matter, their limits don't matter, their feelings won't matter, and their safety won't matter. in an abusive situation, a lot of play slowly turns from something that aligns with the subs goals to something that aligns with the dominants goals/turns into straight up abuse/assault/sa.

- if more than one kinky friend approaches you concerned about how you changed or the safety of your play, huge red flag. when you are being brainwashed in an abusive situation everything is so normalized that it's hard to see the abuse. trust your besties. trust your other partners. trust the people who have nothing to gain from confronting you about their concerns.

With all of that said, with actual abusive brainwashing, it's all about overhauling your limits and boundaries and getting you comfortable being very uncomfortable all the time. In any brainwashing scene, you are likely to feel overwhelmed, destabilized, unsafe, afraid etc but those are feelings people often want to feel in a kink scene so it can be hard to put your finger on when things might be crossing a line. I hope this helps the anon/someone gain some clarity.

When I was in the cult I was in, I was convinced over time that I needed to be more comfortable being uncomfortable and that my limits were self-limiting, that the person abusing me knew my limits better than I did, and that I should default to him for what those limits are. This can be hot in theory, but I promise you the reality is super unsexy when the person who is doing this doesn't actually care about your life, safety, relationships, goals, or well-being.

[menlove]

i saw on some of your posts that you say you aren’t an india truther, out of curiosity what do you think caused john and paul to have a fallout? do you think the resentment was more gradual and happened over 68-69? im sorry if you’ve answered this before but i love hearing about people’s theories of what happened in india and the aftermath.

sorry I totally forgot to answer this but for me.... hm. tossing under a readmore bc it got long oops

I think it was more gradual. like the way they act w each other in the get back sessions & just in general speaks more to something more unspoken happening than some big dramatic break up or rejection, at least to me. esp given how john & yoko lived with paul for a while in the summer of 68 (and talk about the world's worst throuple)

I wouldn't say I don't think Anything happened in india, but imo it seems more like.... I saw someone talking about how up until that point they were all on a lot of drugs & india was them getting off them for a minute & they sort of looked around and went "what the fuck are we doing? do I even know these people?" and that rings the most true to me I think.

some of the bigger reasons I have my doubts abt india being some huge thing where they fucked for the first time and paul rejected john are a) they still got along after that. things were weird but not much weirder than they'd been after brian's death b) paul wrote "i will" in india and I've talked before about how I'm 100% convinced that's about john and to me "will I wait a lonely lifetime, if you want me to I will" doesn't sound like the words of someone about to do any rejecting c) the infamous blowing the mic scene in get back is way too lighthearted and makes paul blush and giggle like they're just referencing fucking as a part of their relationship that happened enough to not be disarming. doesn't seem like john is being bitter or trying to egg him on and paul isn't reacting like someone that got called out for fucking john and then rejecting him. it reads more, to me, like just two lovers slyly joking around about a time they fucked that no one else can know about

which brings me to d) I'm also a "they had a sexual relationship" truther (which would be a whole other essay tbh) and so For Me Personally that just doesn't jive w smth big and dramatic happening in india. I just don't think they ever talked about what the fuck was going on between them, whatever it was, and then the typical band breakdown reasons coincided w a breakdown of their personal relationship as well. like just sort of dying out without much fanfare which can honestly be worse than some big rejection or breakup. and then ofc john goes full in with yoko and paul flounders around trying to settle down with a woman and marry her in such a weirdly frantic way. like that quote where he asks if he was supposed to be a 26 year old queer that never got married....... I would wager, imo, that things breaking down w john & then jane would've lead him to a bit of a Crisis about all that. but he found linda and went all in w her and she wound up pregnant so there you go.

which would lead them to a really weird place by the get back sessions, which I at least feel like is reflected pretty well- this awkward tension, paul's nervous desperation, nostalgia for the old times, lingering sexual tension. but not the attitude like they hated each other yet or had some big breakup or rejection. they're still joking and flirting, it's just awkward. the Big Moment would've been something else after that imo, probably john announcing he wanted a divorce but could've also been something more private that would go a long way to explaining why they were basically not on speaking terms at all by the abbey road sessions

again this is all Purely Speculation. mostly based on my more conflicting view from the fandom at large that they did have a sexual relationship and paul isn't as repressed/clueless as he puts on. so w those Two Beliefs in mind, this is sort of the trajectory that would make the most sense to me!

of course, without those two Core McLennon beliefs of mine I can see why people would point to india as the game changer if they think paul is a repressed bisexual who thinks he's straight while john pined over him. like it would make sense in that scenario if that's where the tension snapped & it was just a mess after that. but I very firmly and adamantly don't believe that so it's just hard for me to see the india theory as anything solid when there's a lot of other explanations for why india was such a shitshow

but all that is just me personally! don't have shit to back it up beyond what I can bring up about the evidence of a sexual relationship and paul being closeted that then lead me to these speculations based on that but yeah lmao

(and fun fact lmao whenever we publish it this is gonna be like half of the story of "i need you" so yall will get to see my fully baked opinion there mixed w just what I think would be fun or angsty dbshsjss)

[causesciencethatswhy]

https://www.tumblr.com/causesciencethatswhy/739756690719801344/the-only-expectation-was-that-he-should-have?source=share

Um i disagree on the point that members don't know how deep this shipping or solo shit goes cause taehyung is pretty deep in fandom cause he posts arts from accounts, has showed jm the moon tatto thing, jk used tiktok and every sns in this fandom is dominated by tk shippers be it any. I can bet all my money that all the members have seen worst of their shipping stuff than this. Like i know for a fact that even jm knows about it too. They knows they just don't react cause it might make a big deal so they just let it be.

The comapny also don't care about shippers much cause these delulu tkkrs are the ones that are also giving them some millions of money so why would they when they're making money? They gave tkklives her account back. You have people in that company just to keep the sns safe for boys and make sure people who defame them get's punished but you have all these accounts with big following defaming boys in the name of shipping.

This will sound rude now but mark my words tkkrs are beyond repair now and in future it will be jk, tae and their respective partners that are gonna get the end of their hate. Their partners are gonna get all the unnecessary hate from these shippers and neither the members nor anyone else would be able to do anything about it mark my words. They should have stopped them when it was time but now it's too late and at the end it's taekook that's gonna pay for it.

You're creating a causation= correlation link where there isn't one necessarily. Tae can easily come across pretty jimin fanart or ai art, without being in the trenches of shipping or army spaces (especially with all the plethora of art reposter accounts there are) Jk having tiktok in no way guarantees that he's coming across egregious shippers when most accounts he engages with are either meme accounts or dancers. Just because they have a presence on the internet that we can't exactly track, doesn’t mean than we can take the assumption that all the boys are aware of how deeply messed up the shipping spaces run.

With respect to hybe taking action, I agree that they need to start taking these shippers antis more seriously, especially on the non Korean sides, because most of the claims those accounts make could very well amount to defamation but their lax approach tells me that they either don't see them as a threat or are unable to take much action against perpetrators outside of SK, which we know has been an issue before.

As for tae and jungkook shutting down shippers more, they already have anon?? "Get out of your imagination, it's not good in there ", are Taehyung's own words, but was that good enough for the shippers, no? They found a niche alternative translation to satisfy their delusions or just straight up pretend it didn’t happen. People often accuse tae of ramping up tkkrs esp in chap 2, but its just been moments of him sharing about his interactions with jk, how is it his responsibility if tkkrs have run with it to be terrible to jm/jennie? Saying that he's "feeding these shippers" by simply talking about jk sounds strangely reminiscent of what tkkrs used to say about jm a few years back, but whatever.

As for jk, he's shut down tkkrs many times last year itself, what with his weirded out look into the camera when asked whether he's living with tae and many more examples which I'm not that interested in listing out. But does any of that, stop tkkrs? No.

I agree that tkkrs are beyond repair and it might create serious problems for any partners tae or jk might introduce, but you cannot in good faith put the onus of responsibility on the both of them for the way their shippers act. Its too victim blamey for me. I will hold tae a little responsible for reposting that account without checking, just solely because he has a bigger platform than most, but I'm not going to accuse him of being some secret terrible person for the actual content on those blogs.

[pumpkinstrawbrew]

Out of curiosity, thoughts on Scriddler?

i thought, that one day, i’d might be asked this lol. 

i’ll be frank, the nature of popularity of that ship kinda confuses me to this day. not in irked sense, i just generally was surprised to see so much stuff for them. like, i don’t remember them interacting in anything, that i’ve watched / read. which tbh, doesn’t say much, since i’m very picky about what i engage with, when it comes to superhero media outlets. so maybe, it did happen somewhere an’ i just didn’t see it. i remember casually browsing a few of accs, who shipped it, curious, if they had some specific comic strip or cut scenes from the game, which depict those two together an’ that’s what lead them to idea of this ship. but i saw nothing of sorts. an’ it’s not a problem, naturally. but for me, an outsider, who ships a completely different thing, it was a bit puzzling. just how it came to be this broad, if there wasn’t any huge kickstarter. or well, not the one, that i’ve glimpsed. 

either way, i’ll begin with saying scriddler doesn’t personally work for me. nor does it have smth, that i seek in my otps. with this in mind, i have no intention to belittle anyone with what will follow below. it’s just my own whimsical outlook on it, based on many individual criteria, that might be vastly different for others, who see things in that ship, that i’m incapable of. similar to how i see things in my rare ships, that i know would make many folks quirk a brow as to why ‘that’s even a thing’. 

now, about jon an’ edward. a pair that might sound good on paper, depending on what you include in said paper, but for me it’s like putting a hardcore dnd fan into a pit with hardcore bookworm, an’ expect them to get along swell, just bc they’re both outcasts. ignoring how the first one is more show-offish an’ loudly proud of his abilities, an’ the other one is kinda shut-in with occasional god complex lol. one of them tends to throw ugly tantrums, the other one prone to meltdowns. both are sociopaths, who have little understanding of ‘how to human’, unless they need to pretend *for small periods of time*. 

in short, i cannot see them having enough patience to handle one another in almost 95% of their interactions. i can’t imagine antisocial, snappy jonathan to be able to tolerate edward’s endless need for praise an’ attention. more so, i struggle to picture jon even knowing how to react in those situations, or being willing to put aside a book, an’ listen to nygma’s newest scheme, if he’s not in the mood for it. or see edward going along with whatever crane has cooked up *some fear plan*, if he already has his own in drafting. it doesn’t help, that they’re also a slightly different ‘breed’ of villains too. 

indeed, they’re both operate more on intellectual level vs brute force *not without use of it tho*, but where riddler’s tick is the actual level of intelligence or level of knowledge, the scarecrow is a mindrape kind of villain. nygma likes building traps an’ labyrinths, giving quests an’ a chance to ‘win’, even if it’s all be a faux in the end. jonathan, on other hand, is mix between being sadistic an’ pragmatic. they both want / need a very different things *usually*, when they kick bruce or whoever else around. or in other words, they’re kinda useless to each other’s obsessions an’ it’s hard to imagine them functionally combining their efforts, without smth going wrong or one of them getting pissed off at the other. which was one of few reasons why jonathan got fed up with the joker, when they had their team-up *during the bane era*. crane doesn’t play well with others, an’ he also has a short temper, when someone keeps doing things, that he views as useless or silly. an’ nygma being prideful as he is, most likely won’t just swallow jon’s critic, esp bc he would have some of his own stored as well. neither of them is actually a team player. so here goes their supposed villain team up for me, like even from a technical aspect. they don't strike me as villains, who can have buddy-buddy relationships, even in part bc of their 'big personalities'.

an’ circling back to their obsessions, it’s pretty much a core of their persona. the root of their disease an’ addiction. an’ also a thing, that usually pushes them to engage with anyone in a meaningful way at all *at the very beginning, at least* an' it’s kinda clinical in that regard too. i don’t think that jon would be engaged with riddler’s fear in any intimate fashion, for one. i don’t think, that past abuse or trauma or hardship is enough for him to get obsessed with a person. in fact, i think that he usually simply gets pleasure from making someone feel awful as simple as it sounds. unless, they’re his bully or someone, who has wronged him, he seems to just forget about those, who he hurt along the way. it’s unflattering aspect of the antisocial brain, but that’s just how it is. nygma’s past won’t be able to be memorable for him, partly due to crane’s general lack of ability to relate to others, without it being very heavily connected to his own woes. an’ even then, he tends to misunderstand it. an’ in return, doubt that nygma would understand why jonathan was that affected by bullying, considering that in edward’s eyes, it’s an attention *no matter what kind* an’ attention is good. after all, he did say that people usually literally looked past him, not even jocks were interested in tormenting him, until he became smth ‘worthy’ of their aggression. so from his perspective, he might think that jon being dramatic about it, since crane was on opposite side of the issue, he always attracts attention to himself. a very bad, bad kind, but attention anyhow. meanwhile, nygma *in his own eyes* has to fight tooth an’ nail to get any. an’ it might start as one time fight, but it will be an always looming issue, that eventually would blow into their faces. there is no denial, that it played a huge part of what made them so dependent on their gimmicks in the first place. the way the world around them engaged with them or in nygma’s case, the way, it did not. so yeah,  it’ll be a big ole mess, an’ neither would be able to navigate such a situation. 

from what i saw, people tend to depict them as ‘two evil old men in relationships’, an’ it feels like they both more put together in those set ups, than they usually are. or like jon is very receptive toward edward’s attempt to befriend him, an’ nygma actually is pretty good at figuring out what scarecrow might like an’ what not. an’ the problem with it is that i don’t see edward being this thoughtful about anyone. ever. period. in most cases, his disorder just won’t let him be this considering, even if he would have wanted to. like, even if we take newest batman 2022 movie, in there riddler is very-very delusional about the bat, an’ it doesn’t even occur to him, that bruce might have different needs / goals vs what edward imagined him to lol. an’ jonathan is this, but even worse. he openly tends to dehumanise an’ objectify others, seeing them only as tools or props to get what he wants. i don’t think that such person would suddenly act differently around nygma, who on top of everything is also clingy an’ needy. for jonathan, who doesn’t have any experience with companionship at all, an’ who lived most of his life alone, that’s be overwhelming an’ confusing, an’ also annoying. whatever good qualities they have, an’ whatever we love them for, it’s given that both jon an’ nygma be hard to be around in long term, an’ would at times get hella unpleasant too. picturing them trying to mend things in 'normal' ways, or talking about it like normal people is smth that i personally cannot invision at all. or in other words, from my perspective, they’re too mentally ill for each other. in fiction, it's often be a positive thing. like, that two mavericks with huge problems can make it work together, but my personal experiences pretty much prevent me from seeing it this way. unless, one of the two is at least somewhere leveled or tries to be, there is just no way for such relationships to hold on for too long. in jon's an' riddler's case, we talking about an actual extremes on top of all, so it's be even harder for one of them to pull up the other, when they themselves unwell. one might argue, that there is potential for them to make each other worse, then. but they already *objectively* suck on their own as people. the corruption only works if there is smth too corrupt to begin with. some versions of the scarecrow an' riddler are already too far gone, for anything else to make them suck more lol. an' once again, they don't share gimmick, they don't share worldview or have the same goals, so it's hard to picture them infecting the other with their own desease, so to speak.

there is kinda more, that i can say on the topic, but it’s getting hella long already, so i’d skip a few things an’ will go straight to my next point. i suppose, that i already gave an outline of why i cannot see them working together personality wise, so next i’d get to their general aesthetics or visuals. the surface stuff, if you may.

i love their general designs *some more than the others, naturally*. but when i look at them side by side, i’ll be honest, i just see two bottoms lol. an’ while yeah, there is such a thing as switching, i kinda rarely vibe with it. an’ with jon an’ edward, it’s just that. they're purebred bottom cocksuckers in my eyes. them havin’ twink on twink sex isn't very sexy or hot to me. i feel like they both would want or at least have that not-so-secret fantasy about being domed into ground by a 'superior man'. bottoms fighting each other about who should top is more of a comedy set-up in my eyes, than anything else. esp bc they both will be like 'you should top' vs 'i wanna top' lmao. i also will add, that i hc both edward an' jon as kinda shallow in sense of who they find attractive. i picture them pawing after men, who are *technically speaking* out of their league. my personal joke about them is that they're both middle aged virgins with hilariously high standards, who won't beat it just to anyone or anything. they pick misery over everything else lol.

an’ that’s all that i’ve got on the topic of scrridler, pretty much! hopefully, this mini essay did explain my view on the pair. an’ i also hope that it was at least, kind of entertaining to read as an outsider's pov. in the end, if you ship it, i do encourage you to just see this as some rando sharing their opinion an' nothing more.

[mdhwrites]

I think you’ve referenced it before, but could you explain some more about the found family aspects in toh? Like personally, I never found it very believable that Luz would consider Eda family especially when she already has such a loving mother. But when I watched Amphibia recently, the relationship between Anne and the Plantars (esp Hop pop) feels so genuine. And Anne does have loving parents as well but there’s something about the writing that makes it believable despite that. It’s like with Amphibia, I can totally understand why the character would risk her life and leave her parents again to go back and help this family, but with The Owl House, I only believe it because the characters are saying it if that makes sense. Like a lot of the dialogue mentions being family so we kinda just have to go with it even if it doesn’t feel earned (?) but with Amphibia, you can see that Anne has become part of the family without the characters even saying it.

I feel like this might just be an example of the old adage, show don’t tell. Thoroughly written stories can’t just have the narrator or protagonist tell us something; they also have to show us within the narrative that something is true. For example, I think of The Hunger Games. Katniss volunteers to be in the games in the place of her sister, and the narrative supports the decision. We learn about how Katniss took on a parental role with her sister after the death of their father which left their mom riddled with grief. We see how much she cares about her in the flashbacks and present when she spends the whole time wanting to win the games because if she doesn’t no one will take care of her sister. Like I wholeheartedly believe a character like Katniss would do this, and it’s because the narrative supports this.

Basically, I’m curious about how two shows with a similar premise both set out to explore the topic of found family but only one appears successful in my head.

Do you think it’s a matter of writing choices that hinder the success or is it a bias within myself that’s making me perceive these end results differently? For context, I watched toh first and fell in love. I watched Amphibia in the last couple of months and felt pretty indifferent to it, but by the end, it earned my respect.

So I have actually done a blog about this before! And I've talked a lot in the past that TOH has a very real problem that you just have to believe what the characters are telling you versus what they're doing. Their actions so rarely match up properly with their words after all or the context of a thing is just a problem.

An element I didn't talk about back then though, that Molly McGee actually gets right like Amphibia does, is that friction to me is necessary to sell a found family. Now, I know that might sound weird but hear me out. Everyone has heard of that meme that goes "A friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is in there with you," right? Or some variation of that?

Well, for found family, you need it to be "Your found family is in there despite being against it." It's the idea that even if they disagree, so long as the disagreement is just annoying and not harmful, they're willing to work past it because, well... You're family. Most people do shit for their family they would literally never do for anyone else because they're family. Not even best friends get this level of treatment because you don't live with them nor would you commonly want to.

Amphibia shows this off CONSTANTLY in the first season and not all of it is actually for the found family angle. Part of it is to showcase how Anne needs to grow, though the Plantars also accommodating for things like her being sick is important. But how about the cook off episode? That's pretty early in their relationship still but Anne recognizes how much effort they put into trying to make the pizza her way so when she doesn't have to join them, she still does. She suffers the consequences with them because that's part of being a family.

The episode to me though that highlights them as family instead of friends is when Sprig and Anne have to share a room together. They are very different people and don't get along entirely but there's an attempt at respect but family is frustrating. It's not perfect and it's not simple and the concessions we make to them aren't either. There is a friction but also a clear connection and care for the other. And again, that's early on.

Molly McGee's big episode on this is the CHORE BOARD! Scratch just doesn't want to do chores though and that causes conflict but also once his schemes end, he does them willingly. Just him being included in that is actually really heartwarming to me though because he doesn't have to be. You don't ask a guest to do chores after all. Even with your best friend, you might tell them not to do something because they're here to hang out, not to help. Family? You can inconvenience. Not be a real problem, not be a parasite, but you can inconvenience them.

As a note, that episode also actually shows just really great family stuff because I am competitive. I don't play multiplayer games because when I lose bad, it gets to me. But I also know my dad is competitive so when it's time for family games? I manage to not take it as seriously because if I get in a bad mood from losing, or celebrate too much from winning, it will put him in a bad mood and I don't want that, just Sharon didn't want to cause her family's competitiveness to get even worse.

None of this is really present in TOH. We get stuff like Luz and King liking telling breakfast puns to each other but I mean... That's just getting along with a roommate or a housemate. That's frankly a LOT of what TOH feels like. People who live in the same place just getting along. I've lived in a place with like twelve other people who all had to share a kitchen. You bump into each other and you start conversations and treat each other friendly because, well, you have to coexist.

But you don't have to inconvenience them. We never asked each other for anything. We never just buried the hatchet on something. You had a problem with someone, it STAYED a problem. But I also had HOURS long conversations with these people about politics, about their interests, etc. like that. Did that even make them my friends? Well, two years later and I haven't talked to literally any of them since I moved out.

That's the vibe, especially for the ENTIRETY of S1 that TOH gives with how the characters treat each other. They don't hate each other and they might do something nice for one another if they feel like it but they're INVESTED in each other. The closest that comes to it is the fact that Eda helps Luz get into school and then makes Luz her cloak but like... If your roommate was freaking out about a job that could help ease the pressure of rent and get them out of your hair more because they'll be gone more and you could help them? Why wouldn't you? And Luz is leaving and the experience has been nice and Eda seems to have literally nothing better to do so why not spend a lazy afternoon making a farewell gift?

Even come like S2 with Reaching Out, Luz is in pain when Eda wraps her Grudgby jacket randomly around her (why does Eda even have that on that day frankly?). If you saw someone sobbing, let alone a roommate, would you not try to do something for them? Give them a bit of comfort and some advice?

None of it's technically bad and if they just tried to sell it as friends I would go "Yeah, I believe that." But family? Family is more. And for the fact that almost ALL of Luz's relationships are incredibly shallow and quickly give up on having any friction in them, any contrast frankly as everyone just starts trying to become S1 Luz, saying ANY of them are found family, including Vee who only gets the title because Camila effectively adopts her, NOT because of her relationship with Luz... It's almost insulting to the fact that family does mean more than just that asshole who you make jokes with.

Found family must be found. You do not find something as important as family easily. You have to work to dig and find the treasure that is there. Anne worked. Scratch worked.

Luz? Was given. And that's the exact opposite of found family as the only family you're given in this, saddled with, is your biological one. The fact that TOH doesn't understand that means it was doomed from the start.

[hexitca]

Rant about Puritan fandom culture!

Well I typed it on twitter but then I had more to say so tumblr it is!

Under read more

WARNING: Long as fuck

Here's some pics

I know I basically said the author of Heartstopper "brought it on themselves" but yea they kinda did.

You can disagree with BL/Yaoi you can hate the shipping discourse or shipping in fandom in general but you cant frame it in a "i hate [that] bc it's sinful/fetishistic and I'M ABOVE THAT BC I'M WHOLESOME AND BETTER THAN THOSE DISGUSTING SHIPPERS"

bc that's gonna bite you in the ass...as it is doing now. The fucking image of their character's google history is so tame and normal, esp in LGBTQ+ spaces! Yet they are being called a pedo? Crazy. In the end, you only hurt yourself!

I never bothered with HS bc i just wasnt interested in it but thats just my preference. It's sad to see ppl, esp young ppl, turn on a series of LGBTQ+ representation just bc of the author's past (or current? idk) stance on the BL/Yaoi or MLM or whatever genre just bc their stance wavered a bit in a simple comic image. Something that is so fucking normal also! but they will grow up and realized how limiting it is to restrict themselves just to appear pure within a group.

Yet the artists/writers/creators are traumatized by the witchhunt. I know I said the author brought it on themselves for supporting anti but damn I don't want them being accused of being a pedo! Or ANYTHING! NO ONE DESERVES THAT. I dont know anything about the author other than surface knowledge but at the end of the day, all this online shit, doesnt matter. It doesnt! Me saying that is ironic bc im typing this post up right now!

but it's something we care about! I care about fandom spaces, I care that creators are getting attack for something as mild as this even if they invited these ppl into their circle. We're human and we change our views a million times a fucking day. I could agree with one thing and disagree with it another. That's why anti discourse pisses me the hell off! It's just a bunch of bullies looking to make themselves feel better by shaming others! I don't respect that type of behavior. And I hate that they just run around saying shit like "kys" over a two characters fucking?!? It amazes me beyond words.

Fandom has never been without its discourse. But the puritan bullshit is not even fandom discourse, it's just straight up bullying and harassment. It doesnt take much to tailor your fandom spaces to your preferences, i should know ive been in fandom spaces since I was fucking 13 years old. I didn't explore nsfw/porn/anything until I wanted to when I was 18. That is MY personal experience. I never put that on anyone else BUT MYSELF. If I saw nsfw and didnt want to see it I blocked the person. Not make a fucking witch hunt out of it. You are in charge of keeping YOURSELF in check not some person who shared nsfw art/fanfic. How fucking hard is it to turn the "don't show me nsfw" toggle on??? Bc it's not about that. Y'all just wanna be mad and be above someone so why not ppl minding their own business.

And guess what? There ARE ppl who are bad and support nsfw art/writing. They fucking suck. They are outliers and deserve to be called out when they get exposed. But many times, ppl always go "see i told you all the ppl in THAT fandom were pedos/freaks/etc" hmmm sounds like when conservatives go "see...that queer person turned out to be bad, SO all queer ppl are bad" DO YOU GET IT?? It never works out with that line of thinking. You are harming innocent ppl minding their own business. You are harming yourselves when you grow the fuck up and realize that "OH actually...I am curious about sex" and have ppl who you thought were your friends eat your face. PLS wake the fuck up.

If you're an anti:

I hope you recover from that

go fuck yourself

if you're offended by me saying "go fuck yourself", pls take that as a sign to log off the internet and go touch grass. As someone who has done that many of times, it's very refreshing.

[this-is-krikkit]

Oi Krikkit 💜

For the new ask game you reblogged, what do you want to tell us about Levi & also Jean ?

😘

hey Val, thanks for the ask, sorry it took a while things got busy. also this got long so i'm putting a read more link lol

Levi

favorite thing about him: his height. i'm not kidding, having such a badass strong male main character be just a Smol Boi is amazing to me, and it's the first time i see it in such a complicated character. not to mention it goes really well with my hc that he's trans, so FUCK YES SHORTY BABY.

least favorite thing about him: his clean freak habits if i absolutely have to pick something?

favorite line: "right here," when he calls hange an abnormal, because i'm a dumb shipper (also bc my mind lives in the gutter so i love these two words in his mouth)

brOTP: eruri

OTP: levihan and erurihan, which may sound contradictory with my brotp. the thing is i can't picture levi and erwin in a relationship with each other without hange being there too. i just.. it's kinda boring to me 😬 i hope that doesn't offend anyone (esp you since i know you ship them hon), and it can change from fic to fic, but mostly i ship erurihan too much to ship eruri on its own whereas it's not a problem at all for levihan (or eruhan. i think im just too in love with hange oops)

nOTP: ereri 🤮

random headcanon: his kink is to be called yours in bed. like he wants to feel owned, not in a sub/sex slave kind of way (although at times that too) but just in a general wanting to be wanted way, yk? dude was born in secret and hidden in a brothel until his mom died, then harshly trained and given up by kenny when he was deemed strong enough, then everyone he loved died like flies around him. i think he longs to belong to someone who wants him bad enough to never want to let go, and ofc i think that someone is hange (+/- erwin).

unpopular opinion: he's a huge bottom. idk if it's really unpopular, but i see sooooo many fics with him being a top and i could see it happening in a certain setting, but that's not my main idea of him, esp not in the beginning of a relationship. i think it would take months for hange (+/- erwin) to make him feel confident enough in his feelings and skin to try it, and i absolutely love to imagine him being so flustered about it first because he's so out of his comfort zone taking the reigns during sex.

song i associate with him: castle of glass by linkin park. i already told you how levihan that song is, but i initially thought of post-caon levi when i first heard it. he's got nothing left and he's nothing but a broken shell (in his mind, anyway) in a broken world, which is very close to the lyrics and general tone of that song imo

favorite picture of him: when he realized hange didn't die in the colossal titan explosion and just saved his ass 🥰

Jean is not a character i care much about, i'm kinda neutral about him. can i do Armin instead? (that's what she said)

Armin

favorite thing about him: he's a dreamer, which makes him smart not only in the traditional sense and his strategic abilities, but also in the sense that he's driven by hope and curiosity. he's inquisitive but cautious, he's thirsty for knowledge and driven by it even when he's shaking with fear and that's something i understand, love and admire in any character/person.

least favorite thing about him: he was a bit too whiney in early episodes, which is why it took me a while to like him.

favorite line: "we’re going to explore the outside world someday, right?" my lil dreamer 🥹

brOTP: mikasa

OTP: i don't think i romantically ship him with anyone? at one point it was mikasa, now i just don't really care

nOTP: annie 🫣

random headcanon: he has a crush on hange! erwin was a mentor and he admired him as a strong and smart leader, but hange is a different kind of smart and i can easily imagine armin falling for their giant brain. i hc that armin spent a lot of time with them in their lab exchanging theories about the world outside, once he overcame his initial fear of how intense they can get. when hange appoints him next commander before their sacrifice, it betrays a deep connection the two of them must have had during the time gap (one more reason to hate it in my love/hate relationship to it btw!), when hange must have been preparing him for the position for years (and i absolutely love to imagine a flustered armin trying to follow hange's train of thoughts and lessons while trying to hide his hearteyes for them hehe)

unpopular opinion: i don't think him and annie fit well together at all. i agree that they had feelings for each other bc it's canon so i can't really argue with it, but i don't see them making it in a healthy relationship in post canon. feel free to send me armin x annie fics to change my mind?

song i associate with him: as it was - harry styles, i feel it fits his general vibe

favorite picture of him: sorry to be a normie but yeah Ocean Armin it is

[fafnirsden]

THE p4 Twitter discourse is making the rounds again (you know the one) and one of the things that keep bothering me about how this is talked about is that there seems to be a disconnect between people taking the writer's intent at face value and people who disregard the intended arc entirely? This might sound odd but esp regarding Naoto gender discourse the fallback line seems to be that Naoto ultimately identifies as a girl and that's fine and good for real people but gives Naoto a degree of agency that she does not have because she's a fictional character. The thing that people are criticising is the writing decision real people made to conclude her arc that way, not Naoto's self identification - Naoto can't identify as anything, she has no thoughts outside of those given to her by the writers. And on the flipside, criticising Naoto's arc for the (likely unintended) transphobic implication lets it off the hook for also mishandling the workplace sexism angle they were actually going for (cont below cut)

If you take the game at its word for what each of the character arcs are supposed to be about, then the game has a whole character who is forced to take on a more masculine persona (pun not intended) to be taken seriously because of sexism but this is all in a game that continuously does sexist pervy comedy routines. Including to Naoto! If you're trying to make a point about how sexism is bad, maybe don't force the character in question into a swimsuit beauty pageant where she feels humiliated and uncomfortable as a joke?

Maybe Kanji isn't attracted to men and people shouldn't make assumptions about his sexuality because of his interests. Okay. Good point, you shouldn't do that. But what's the implication here when you look at moments like the camping trip tent scene where Yosuke treats him like a sexual predator for just being in the same tent (while Yosuke himself actually creeps on the girls during the same trip, which is just taken as funny despite being actual sexual harassment. Amazing stuff.)? There's multiple scenes like this, it happens during the pick up contest too where it's part of the comedy of uncomfortable situations that happen to Yosuke that Kanji starts blushing from being pressed up to him on the scooter. Like this is all still homophobic even if Kanji is straight and "hey don't assume people are gay based on stereotypes they might not be and then it would be bad if you put them in a box like that" is a good point in theory but not when you're also kinda implying that gay men are a danger to other men or that treating them as such is just an understandable funny reaction.

As much of a deal as people make about the cut Yosuke romance, him being closeted wouldn't fix how vile he is to his friends without consequences. It maybe explains it a little but that still means you're left with a game that constantly disregards sexual harassment as just a goofy thing your silly fun guy friends do.

If it wasn't clear I'm ultimately more sympathetic to people critical of p4's writing about gender and sexuality (and I didn't even talk about the fat girl. christ.) but I also don't think it's helpful to superimpose a more progressive version of the game where every character is actually queer and then critique the game for not delivering on that version. You can headcanon whatever you want ofc (Naoto's canon gender is such a mess you could tell me anything about what you think their gender is and I'd probably nod along) but I think it muddies the water on discussing the actual text when you loose track of the distinction here. And like. I get it p4 has a lot of stuff to like. I'm still fond of p4 in spite of all of this. But how depressing for actual queer media to see how much time people spend on inventing a gayer version of p4.

Especially when the actual solution is obviously to shoot Yosuke into the sun /j

[fairycosmos]

i got word from my ex-boyfriend's host brother that he, quote, "never loved me, dated me bc he felt bad for me, regrets dating, hates me, and wants nothing to do with me". i held back tears on the bus and cried for 15 minutes when i got home, but then got hungry and made quiches. i told my parents about how stupid that was and my mom was like "he's probably lying because why'd he do all those things for you if he 'never loved you'?? and you tell me how lazy and addicted to video games he is to the point where his friends complain about it (you know it's bad when his friends complain about it), so why would he put that much effort for a month and a half?" so i was like no literally. my dad took the more intellectual approach and said "(your friend's dad) and i will go over to his house and beat him up. and we're going to make a sign that says '(ex-bf's name) = jerkface'. because he's being a huge jerkface."

anyways, i think i've finally moved on from this horrible break up and i mean it this time!!! if he keeps moving between "oh god i still love you so much please can we be friends i can't bear to lose you" and "i actually don't want anything to do with you i regret even meeting you GODDD" i don't think he's worth crying over anymore :)

WOW what the fuck is wrong with him!!!!! im with your mam like it really sounds like he's just saying that to hurt you / cope with himself and what he's done or whatever bc you truly don't invest that much time and energy and emotion into someone (esp as an introvert 😭) if you don't like them. i am so so sorry he has put you through this and i hope you don't internalise any of the negativity or insecurity from this relationship - i hope you move forward truly knowing that you are wonderful and that you did not deserve to be treated like that. im glad you have your parents there to support you as well - they sound very real like literally he is a jerkface and also a cunt. and though it might be hard to contend with the pain inside you your life will be infinitely better off without him now he's revealed his true colours. for real. the fact that he's even reverting back to the whole i love you thing after saying that shit to manipulate you into getting back with him?? yeah absolutely not he can fuck off. you've got it love - he is quite literally in every sense of the word not worth agonising over. mwah wishing you all the love and healing you deserve - and someone who treats you right. mwah x

[gadgetrevive]

  You won't believe 8 tips to try now video text welcome to another eye doctor uk video in this video, I'm going to show you eight of the best tried and tested phone repair tips and tricks that you simply cannot live without I've, kept these tips and tricks Up my sleeve for a little while, but I genuinely think some of these will really help you so whether you're a seasoned pro or an absolute beginner. I think you can take something away from this video and probably use it to make your life a little bit easier and your workflow a little bit more efficient, so sit back, relax and, let's start with tip one tip number one say goodbye. So if you've ever tried to remove a battery that is secured down with that nasty battery, adhesive and you've either snapped one of the pull tabs on an iphone one or there just aren't any pull types there like on a samsung phone you'll, be all too familiar With them, it's all too tempting to take some kind of prime tool and try and get underneath the battery to pop it out. But, of course, using this technique puts the battery at risk of damage and potentially exploded. Instead, soak all around the battery with a generous glug of isopropyl alcohol and then leave it to soak for five to ten minutes once the isopropyl has done its magic. Take one of these suction cups, like the ifixit one that I've got here and attach it to the battery. You should be able to just pull upwards sort of like opening a book to separate the battery from the frame. You'll probably also find that it's got these wrinkly sort of creases on the back of the battery wrap in there fear not just take a little squeegee tool and flatten out those ripples tip number two nine times out of ten. You don't need to replace the air speaker on the phone if you've been repairing devices for a while. You will know that esp speaker mesh, especially iphone airspeaker mesh, gets gunked up really bad with either earwax makeup or sweat and any other things that I don't really want to think about to solve this. You rarely even have to open up the phone. Just add a couple of drops of isopropyl alcohol and play the sound that I've linked above me just here. The 165 hertz vibration is the perfect frequency to loosen up any blockages in that mesh. Don't just take my word for it either. There are literally hundreds of comments on that same video, where people have even already tried replacing the speaker before trying that technique. The results for doing this will literally blow your eardrops tip number three in the previous tip. You might have noticed me using the cleaning brush with a clean room, wipe on the end of it. This is a really good way to clean up really dusty phone chassis, gunked up logic boards, all like in the previous tip, iphone air speakers just soak the clean room wipe in either some alcohol or some cleaning solution, whatever you're using and brush over it with either A toothbrush or other cleaning brush, you should know it's a big difference, especially when, using this trick to clean logic boards, when they're covered in flux, resin, dew or corrosion tip, number four tip number four, and probably one of my favorite time. Saving tricks applies to ipad digitizers. If you've ever removed an ipad screen planning to reinstall. It later then touched it. You'll know how tricky it can be to get the inside of the glass super clean and smear 3. Everyone knows that prevention is better than the cure. So take some of this very low tax cellophane tape and cover the inside of the digitizer in it from the minute that you've first remove it to prevent dust or smears getting onto the inside of the glass tip number five, whilst we're on the subject of ipads. If you've ever worked with them before, you'll know how frustrating it can be when the corners of them become dented and bent. There are small grinding pens available for this, but my favorite tool that packs a lot more power. Is this dremel with pen type attachment and small grinding disc attached? I usually work slowly grinding a small bit away at a time.

You'll also notice that this 10 mil diameter disc, is pretty much the perfect size for the job once you've ground a bit away line up your glass and if it fits happy days, if not go over the corner again until it does fit, then finally make sure You take off any burrs left behind with a miniature file. You'll never get it perfect again, but I guarantee that your customers will be much more grateful for some light. Abrasion marks on the edges, rather than a badly fitted digitizer, that's going to break very, very easily again tip number six if you're working on a device that you've never worked on before and you're worried about misplacing screws or other parts that you took out of the Phone already get yourself one of these magnetic whiteboard masks. You can mark up and label any screws, as you remove them to help you when it comes to putting stuff back together, another useful tool that I've found when disassembling unfamiliar devices or, if you can't figure out where one screw goes, it's head to ifixitcom and search For the model of the phone that you're, taking apart, followed by the word, tear down their site has loads of high quality images of devices taken apart already that you can use for reference when disassembling or reassembling a device tip number seven. This tip is a bit more gimmicky than the other tips that I've given you here, but it literally got millions and millions of views on both our tick tock and on our facebook page. So I thought it'd be best to share it with you as well. Going back to the first tip talking about removing batteries, you can really speed up the process by using one of these electric screwdrivers to wind. The adhesive easily out of there simply pull a small amount of the pull tab and then stick it to the end of your electric screwdriver and just press. Go it'll, pull it out real nice and easy, and it just works tip number eight foreign guys. I'm sorry! I've tricked you, they weren't, actually, eight tips, I've run out of ideas and my notes only went up to the ones what I've done before, but I thought, if I say hey, it makes it a nice even number, rather than a seven, so tip number eight is Just to like subscribe and hit the notification icon so that you can get updates the next time that I post. Thank you everybody for watching and I'll see you next time, foreign ``

[femmefaggot]

what a disgusting and immature response. do you actually have concrete evidence of him being contacted by your stalker? do you have concrete evidence that that was the reason he blocked you? you don’t, but you keep alluding to that being the situation even though you admitted that you don’t actually know if it was because of your stalker. then you were threatening to send him a vile message that got sent to you and threatening to @ him and harass him over why he blocked you. you keep posting about how you sent money to him as if you’re trying to paint him as some manipulative thief who ran off with your money. you put your own personal drama with him on blast and told people to block him (which lessens the amount of exposure he would get if he needed donations again; great job, you’re making it harder for a black person to raise money for necessities/emergencies while your white ass is financially comfortable enough to send money to other people). people do not owe you anything. you are not owed an explanation for why you got blocked. you already said the money isn’t that big of a deal. move the fuck on and stop threatening to harass, twist people’s perception of, and try to socially isolate and endanger a black user because you’re mad you got blocked. you could not possibly be this stupid and ignorant.

can you break your responses up next time if you want me to actually respond. genuinely. cant read this chunk. if I ignore shit its bc we are blurred. but okay god. since you want to keep at it too

long post incoming bc you wanted to send so much in one ask and clearly want to be absolved

but I need you to give concrete evidence that ive been a bigot

we know what our stalker sounds like. you don't have to believe me but I know that he's been contacted by them and baselessly believed accusations of us being racist*

*which again. if they aren't baseless I really want to know.

but believing something an anon sends you without proof on this website seems so weird atp.

i didn't threaten anything. you misread my posts. let me be clearer

he is being messaged by someone who has sent us the**

(in our words, but to quote you too to make it perfectly transparent bc you seem to have trouble reading, as do we. no judgement)

**"vile messages", the post was made to say that we could show how awful this stalker has been to us. the fact that he is listening to them is worrying

(not for us. I don't believe this person could do worse than they have. i am genuinely so genuinely worried about nao. and I am not a sincere person but I mean this. please dm me if you need.

worried that if they become friends and he somehow does something "wrong" theyll behave similarly toward him)

is the money a big deal? no. not to us personally. luckily.

how many times do i have to say that I dont think he's evil. im not blaming him for intentionally doing anything.

but that on principle abandoning someone w no word in general but esp w these circumstances is. odd? uncalled for. etc

we are in a very uniquely fortunate position to be able to donate to people. and have the urge to show affection through purchases.

and he was a part of that!

will not deny that 95% of the money given was offered, and even then the other 5% was likely going to be given anyway.

the only thing he ever sort of asked for was a game, and we were considering buying that for him anyway

i need to reiterate the actual money isn't the point at all, but it is the principle of us doing that and getting dropped with zero communication

but is it rude at best that after genuinely giving someone that, with no expectations, we were not given a chance to talk before he decided to make assumptions (during a heavily blurry and hectic time) about us

(I've said before and I'll say again, because you're conveniently ignoring it

if he needed I would give him more money. the fact that he's been a dick to me doesnt negate his humanity or need to live.

you need to absorb that. he could come to me now asking for money and id give it. so could anyone.)

him being black does not negate the fact that hes being shitty to us, but again use your own judgement and dm if you want

heres his cshapp, this is genuine. hes still human and can use dns, but until i get paid esp i cant justify spending more money

again, if he ever needs I'll send more money. and I'm not in the business of making this a callout, honestly this ask is 10x longer than I wanted but you def want the attention

anyway yeah heres his c$ w the proof of money we (voluntarily again, just sucks to be blocked after this) sent to him

but fr if he makes a dn post dnt let this stop you

and if ur reading this n ever need money or ever wanna fact check the racism allegations we will be here. nothing to hide

despite the vitriol of this post fr if he makes a dn post do contribute and again always send me ur dn posts

not in the business of letting personal shit get in the way of mutual aid

again c$ is $moonvampyre he deserves to live as a person no matter whats going on

I mean this genuinely not as a taunt or a gotcha.

nobody deserves to suffer bc of decisions or lack of able to make decisions or personality or anything.

justice and housing and livable wage for all god fucking bless

[v01d3nt1ty]

"Didn’t I tell you

you are a fish do not go to dry land

for I am the deep Sea." - rumi

(from GoOD Mornings with CurlyNikki)

oh to be able to express like rumi!

or to be spoken through. or however it works.

this hit me bc i am deeply connected to the ocean. my *happy memory* go-to is the beach, the pacific ocean, *my* ocean. my fav colors are like soft teals, pastel aquas and blues, deep ceruleans... so yeah i'm a mermaid but not like... not like the commercialized version that everyone buys into. if i die tragically, i want it to be by drowning in the ocean.

wtf was my point.

anyway it brought me into that sharp awareness of being. and it's like peace & love & comfort & oneness & vibing...

idk, it was cool.

i also really love language. i hate it, but i love it. i hate that we need it, it's so clunky and awkward. there are a lot of words to remember & what if you get them wrong or forget them or put them in the wrong order? (hello, autism. 👋) i used to write poetry, realized i sucked at it & stopped.* i've always been deeply interested in foreign language, even tho i do not have the attention span to learn any. (i took one yr of spanish and 3 of french tho, that was fun. tried to take german... studied japanese w a new-at-the-time friend who has been a friend for like 10yrs or more.) (also i really love.... intentionally arranged sound? & i love variety. so i basically just love the way languages *sound* even without the meaning. don't get me started on accents...)

but i think my deep appreciation for language comes from being neurodivergent, being frustrated at being misunderstood all the time. being afraid to speak up too much bc my thoughts didn't align w what i was taught. my instincts going exactly counter to what i was being told all the time. so i probably developed this desire to be able to correctly assemble and arrange the most appropriate words for any given situation. the right & wrong things... so much to remember.. omg so boring, so tedious.. no wonder i hate everything. er.

so. yeah. no one asked for my psychology, but there u go. i never told u to read this, it's ur own damn fault.

*so this is a memory story. there are two, actually.

the first is, when i was in 5th grade, so around 9 or 10, i wrote this poem & it got printed in The School Newspaper (!!! omg such a huge deal!) anyway, i had this memory, & vaguely remembered some of the words. then somewhere in my 20s, i found the paper & read it & i was *amazed.* it was phrased perfectly, didn't even rhyme, was pretty deep esp for a 10 yr old. i *cannot* remember exactly how it went, but if i posted it with no context, u wouldn't think it was by a little kid. idk how i *lost* how to do that. probably by trying to Be Good and follow rules.

the other is when i was in hs, probably a senior, probably 17. so i listened to a lot of 90's alternative & grunge, as one did back then. (98.5 KOME, i still remember 😂 i wonder if any of those tapes are still good?) so i wrote a poem that was probably heavily influenced by the lyrics of the time, smashing pumpkins, REM, nirvana... and i was v proud of it. idek why i thought showing it to my family was a good idea, but i did. & my grandma goes "this [part] doesn't make any sense. what does it mean?" and i'm like "it isn't supposed to mean anything..." anyway it crushed my lil soul and i had to Follow Rules again. bc how can i know how to People if i don't do things the way People do things?

oh wow that's sad. poor young me. *hugs lil me*

why do i share my trauma.

idfk. maybe so one day, even one person will feel less alone.

byeeeee

[maigo-san]

my thoughts on jealous Kyou

TW Spoilers

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.

.

.

.

I just realized a lot of people really like jealous, overprotective, and possessive Kyou, and, though, I guess I did put those elements in OFTC, I myself still struggle to write them. Let me break it down for a sec.

I feel like Kyou has a milder reaction to these feelings. In oftc, I remember his way of speaking to Tan when he's jealous is passive-aggressive, he gets hasty, and he masks more. Generally, Kyoujurou is very good at hiding his emotion and setting it aside since he's often in circumstances where he has to step his personal feelings aside but this also makes him difficult to articulate certain complex emotions such as grief, loss, jealousy, etc. He constantly builds up fire walls (wink wink) to protect himself and give a more confident upfront.

You might think that, oh but he already got over the grief and his last words are all about coping with those feelings, no matter how much it hurts you have to keep moving forward, set your heart ablaze nanana... and though these are good messages but they don't address the feeling itself. Obviously during that time, narrative wise, it's needed, but if we're gonna explore a character and build HCs out of them, you can dissect their words and put two and two together.

I wanted to say this makes him more avoidant than reactive but he's sort of like in-between.

(mainly) Jealousy is often spontaneous or unexpected. Little indirect things that click at a later time, the inertia will grate on his nerves. He will feel bad for not realizing sooner. But also, if there are more upfront incidents (like someone declaring to marry Tanjirou out of the blue, idk), his first reaction is to not get angry but try to make sense of it. Maybe it's less about him having a reaction and more that it takes time for him to understand, which is quite a slip up, and he didn't react enough.

It is said in the fanbook two that it’s easy for him to jump to conclusions but it's not in what people usually think. Though, this is definitely going to backfire him. What I know about this is that Kyoujurou is very smart, he has an “undistorted sound mind” and he’s a fast thinker. This also means that he’s often busy with his own head, and other people struggle to catch up with him.

He seems like he doesn’t listen but he’s very perceptive of someone’s subtle changes. Thus, he can read other people quite well. Not to mention he can interact with anyone without any prejudice most likely because of this perceptiveness as well. But, he has ✨trauma✨ and let me get into that.

Jealousy itself is a sign of insecurity, fear, and anxiety. I feel Kyou will subconsciously find this feeling the most difficult to cope with and thus, sees it as a sign of weakness. He won't judge someone for it but he generally sets a different standard for himself. He'll definitely try to manage them as soon as he realizes it's jealousy, self-talk that everything is fine, but he doesn't like this feeling and doesn't feel comfortable acknowledging it. Esp being anxious and insecure.

Insecurity is what makes him doubt his decisions when he knows his life is often on the line if he chooses a wrong decision, insecurity is what makes his father loathe sun breather/thinks that both he and Kyoujurou will never be good enough/other modern au equivalent of it.

Another thing is, he will try to solve things himself but since jealousy reflects insecurity and he can't cope with it, he will find this feeling petty. Even though, in my fic, I did make Kyoujurou end up acting on that pettiness, he gets so self-conscious about it that he immediately stops himself. Not because he doesn’t want to let it consume him, but more like he’s embarrassed by it.

Of course, different contexts will give different outcomes since in oftc they already establish that they refuse to date. It'll be different if it's canon where I can barely have time to squeeze in a romantic subplot, or a regular friends-to-lovers AU, or an established relationship.

In canon, Kyou barely gets jealous of other people but he'll feel insecure about the uncertainty of their livelihood and it might distort this sound mind of his. Usually, before he met Tan, he knows what he's supposed to do but after what happened to the Kamados, everything is set into motion then bam, the one he loves is coming for Muzan's neck. Obviously, he's starting to feel scared of losing someone even though he trusts that Tanjirou will succeed. No, they will succeed because he can back Tan up or fight Muzan himself as long as Tanjirou is alive. Basically, his mind is used to resort it to survival mode, and he will shrug off most feelings to keep everyone alive. He prefers a rumor about Tan getting confessed by another lower-ranked demon slayer than Tan having to face a Kizuki alone without any aid even though at some point in the story Tan will be as strong or stronger than him. Later on, can also be the source of his insecurity but I’ll just link duck’s explanation about this.

Maybe in a post-canon, there’s more time to think about that. Really funny because Tanjirou decided to move back to Kumotori and I assume, it’s still possible even in a Rengoku Lives alternate end. It’ll be hard to get out of the ex mentor-tsuguko relationship and Kyoujurou has already thought that Tanjirou will just marry someone from the same village, not to mention Shinjurou might mention something about marriage and you know how Kyoujurou is with marriage (though this is more Aya Yajima’s interpretation and the fact that it’s a kimegaku set, since it’s only mentioned in the LN).

But I can imagine him deciding to seek Tanjirou himself for an indefinite time. He told himself this is so Tanjirou doesn’t meet with the hypothetical villager instead of because he just misses Tan so much. By thinking jealousy is petty, thus it should be fine to act on it as long as he doesn’t do anything that crosses Tan’s boundaries, he’s also ridiculing his own feelings.

We’ll die eventually, Tanjirou might die sooner if he’s the only one that gets the mark, I might die sooner if we both got the mark. If I can’t have him, no one can, but also why would someone want to marry a man close to his death?

(me: Kyoujurou, why are you so morbid sometimes)

He thinks it makes sense, though. Imagine him just popping up and not saying why he was visiting just said he wanted to see them (from his message that was sent by Kaname). To him, just seeing Tan and helping him around, unintentionally (or intentionally) playing house, is enough for him. He tells himself he’s content now that his job is done. Senjurou doesn’t have to beat himself up for not being a swordsman and instead focuses on his own passion, Nezuko is a live and has turned into a human, Shinjurou might stop drinking. All is well but life is fleeting, he might as well die with his feeling.

It probably won’t last this long since Kyoujurou can not keep his mouth shut, he’ll blatantly ask if Tanjirou will marry someone before he dies and whatever answer he gives, Tanjirou will soon catch on to what Kyoujurou is truly thinking of said answer. Either Tanjirou is the one that will clear things up or Kyoujurou also catches on to Tanjirou’s true feelings after knowing he got a green light from Kyou to pursue further.

Or maybe Zenitsu and even Nezuko have had enough at seeing them dance around each other in front of their salads so they will spell it out for them.

In a friends-to-lovers AU, I wanted to touch this but haven't had the chance to write them. I feel people are the least of Kyoujurou's worries until time and distance play along. But again, Kyoujurou wanted to be a good friend, his best friend even, and being jealous is just going to sever their friendship. He knows Tanjirou himself will not stand for false accusations and Tanjirou will not hide things from Kyou. I can see Tanjirou being private or down low about his relationship and even if it is the case, that he doesn't know about Kyoujurou's feelings and he has decided to date someone throughout the time Kyoujurou likes him, he’ll eventually announce it (esp since he knows he can trust Kyou) and Kyoujurou will still try to be supportive. I can see him making himself busier to quench the feeling and "not get in Tanjirou's way". I feel jealous Kyou is very mellow despite the lack of expression, and if it isn't for Tanjirou's perceptiveness (and keen nose, probably), he won't catch Kyoujurou's sudden shut out. Basically, ghosting but it took Tan a while to realize it.

In an established relationship, I find that jealousy will be the least of their worries but it costs so much as the relationship becomes even more exclusive. I can see where this is going, (aside from him saying Tengen has too many wives.

Uzui: Don’t yuck my yum!)

Also, because of his family dynamic and current position—as the eldest, the only successor of the Flame Breather, as a son who’s parenting his dad, as a Hashira, and as a senpai—he finds relationship very sacred because he wants to take full responsibility of it. His family's tragedy became his life lesson.

I wouldn’t say that he doesn’t trust people but he often finds himself in a position where there is no equilibrium. People either trust him with all their lives or distrust him.

Then comes Kamado Tanjirou who knows that even someone as excellent and reliable as Kyoujurou is still human. Even in his last moment he defended him. Despite the fact that Tanjirou adores him, Tanjirou knows that Kyoujurou also can get tired, also can get injured, is awkward but caring, was just trying his best, and is very selfless. He trusts Kyou only enough so that he can put some of the burden to himself. It can throw Kyoujurou off-guard and the stakes of this kind of relationship is pretty high. It’s like a one-time chance! Thus the overprotectiveness and the possessiveness.

(Also, I guess it makes sense that Aya made Kyoujurou reject marriage offers aside from wanting to focus more on his current family, he's the type that looks for a special someone)

But also, he can finally learn first-hand how trust goes both ways (and even though he does trust other people aside Tanjirou, he felt at most ease with him). He finds that it’s unfair to demand such a thing even if he thinks that he has done so much for the relationship. If he acts out on his jealousy (in an unhealthy way), he’s denying Tanjirou’s effort.

What’s interesting is that at the same time, Tanjirou might feel the same way. Imagine being younger, a tsuguko, or a kouhai/lower ranked? Not to mention as he got to know Kyoujurou, he can see the difference in their upbringing and social gap. For someone who’s emotionally expressive, I feel Tanjirou will still think that it’s not his place to speak about jealousy even if he gets jealous of other people, especially those that fawn over Kyou. He’s already grateful enough that someone like Kyoujurou feels the same way as him. Which distorts Kyoujurou’s perception of Tanjirou being the one that sees him differently, equally.

To Kyoujurou, apparently, even when they know that they have feelings for each other and that they can rely and trust each other, people can change. Not to mention he’s more familiar with this (Shinjurou). For someone who’s very turbulent, changes still scares him. Maybe because he's more sensitive to it too. He's like a dodge ball, the more you throw the harder it bounces back and he treated change that way. Shinjurou says he should quit being a demon slayer? Then he will work even harder as a hashira! Tanjirou seems to get along with someone who's good at sword wielding? Kyoujurou can do it better! Kyoujurou is faster and he has powerful strikes! Let me teach you, let me show you how I'm better!

Ironic, because I can see because of this, there are more people fawning over Kyoujurou or that Kyoujurou seems married to his career and Tanjirou just felt disposable.

In the end, as the emotions started to pile up, the smell of Kyoujurou's inner turmoil suffocated Tanjirou's lungs while Tanjirou's polite excuses felt like a wall to Kyoujurou and they just can't not say anything about it.

They remember they should always keep their hearts ablaze and not let this negative feeling take their time so they just walk to each other and go, “Kyoujurou-san/Tanjirou, I have something to tell you.”

Communication is definitely their strongest point; but if you want something angsty, it might also be the thing that moves their relationship too soon.

Like for example, an established relationship doesn’t just mean that they’re officially a [insert label]. It can just mean that they know that they felt the same way. Maybe in some circumstances they don’t date the way most people/the people around them do, they don’t act like other marriage couple, maybe they just cohabitate and after they confess, they don’t change their routine or their activities.

(I feel rentan can be nonconforming because they're just that simple even though they have traditional values, I also quite like it when they act very polite and still hold the senpai/kohai or older/younger act because that’s just their way of respecting each other!)

They might still question each other (since again, they often talk) and this constant need of talking might pressure them to draw hasty conclusions esp with Kyoujurou's pace. Even when they were lovers they still have egos and need for autonomy, it's totally understandable.

“what are we doing? didn't we decide...?"

“aren’t we dating/married/together, then why did you...?”

“why do you act [this] when we’re dating/married/together?”

Depending on how things are, I can see Kyoujurou who’s blunt, and Tanjirou who’s sensitive find that they might offend each other or caught in misunderstanding. Having a partner who's similar to you makes you forget that there are differences. Especially through the haze of lovesickness.

This is starting to stray away from jealousy but yeah, this might be helpful with my writing. Let me know what you think or if you have anything to add.

(Also I might write about jealous Tan too if I have the chance)

[pinkpruneclodwolf]

Okay but like the NCR students not helping Yuu unless there's something in for them... ouch, but this might present them would a good dilemma tbh like while NCR is a morally gray grounds (crowley lets a whole ass child slave away to his work and actively turns a blind eye at all the OB's and jade and floyd has been implied that they've murdered people so--) i don't think they'd willingly turn a blind eye to someone who's helped them a bunch of times (ace and deuce especially like the only way they can ever get back at Yuu for helping them is through their lives or something/j or am I? :eyes:) but even if they did i doubt yuu would go out quietly esp w the blot having already corrupting them.

Like imagine Yuu with blot coming out every hole in their body---in their eyes, mouth and the old wounds they had from OB fights---just laughing hysterically and in pain as the blot becomes too much for them to handle---the sound similar to glass breaking into a million pieces just much worse and the boys... they just can't do anything but watch as the human who's helped them, the only one who ever saw through them---break even worse is that they could have probably avoided this if they just looked after Yuu more or if they just APOLOGIZED JDHFJSFHK like how traumatizing would that be? KJHDFJFKDJHGD

ANYWAYS---Yuu, man i love them but its exactly why they'll never catch a break JKSHFDKSJHFS But like if the whole overblot shebang with Yuu keps up by the end of chapter 8 IF Yuu is somehow saved (put in your theories now :eyes:). All of Yuu's relationship w the boys are bound to be strained---even Grim's and ADeuce's bc of the mistrust and hurt Yuu's been repressing just coming forth and like while Yuu might forgive them, theirs bound to be hurt moreso on Yuu's side considering this could all have been avoided if they just looked after them just as Yuu has to them or if they just said sorry to them for the bs they made Yuu go through (Im looking at you crowley *squints*)

TBH i feel like the only way Yuu is ever going to heal from all of this is that is the boys make it known that they're trying not to fuck up whatever they have left with them any further and that they're doing this because they are genuinely sorry and because like you're my friend and I want you to know that I'm genuinely sorry for all of the pain I put you through and that I want you to be okay again and not because of obligation or guilt because Yuu's dealt enough of that from the baggage that the boys brought to their table some time ago. Basically if they want Yuu to heal properly they should just put down their pride and pretenses and just listen to what they want and need for once and in exchange for all the services Yuu had always given to them without asking for anything in return.

On a sidenote though I feel like Idia growing closer to Yuu would be bc they remind them of ortho a lot (and on another sidenote maybe its also why he's antagonistic of them in the first place too...) but maybe it would also like reveal more personal information on Yuu as a character too since I feel like Idia once close with would NEVER let your info be leaked or used against you (Rook didn't even know about Idia's relation to STYX until chap 6 too which goes to show how tightly closed shut the info is in regards to the shroud's) On another sidenote though the artificial core thing is possible if the ortho is dead theory holds any regard BUT the big question is that what element would Yuu fit better?? :eyes:

JHGDFGSKJHJKHJHKH IM SO SORRY FOR WORD DUMP AFTER WORD DUMP---So many thought about Yuu and their dynamics with NCR... character dynamics are my weakness im sorry KJHDJHSK anyways how are you???????? did you have a nice day?

WORD DUMP AWAY BABYYYYY I NEED THE BRAIN JUICEEE

I've had a fairly relaxing day considering I pretended my assignments don't exist. How have you been!!!

Void would definitely fit Yuu, goes at their own pace/neutral to other elements? Depends on which dialogue option basically.

That part where they just want Yuu to be okay again and them shedding their pride—🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺

I kinda believe that they show that they care for Yuu in their own lil ways, and I actually want them to pull through for Yuu, no strings attached, and help them work through everything whether Yuu goes home or stays is up to Yana.

I see you've come through with angst unabashed!!! But Yuu reminding Idia of Ortho goes so insane actually.

Ortho displays more childlike tendencies (died young/regressed due to severe mental backlash) if he had the chance to grow he would've been more like Yuu as he has displayed un-NRC tendencies (ignore the part where he wanted to kill the Magicam Monsters)

I think Ortho would've matured a lot and developed a more outgoing personality compared to his brother—

I'm kinda curious about how Ortho got to a point where he OBed actually? S.T.Y.X seems like a controlled environment, magic wouldn't really affect them since they have cores to regulate it (do cores develop overtime or are they already formed in which case Yuu might've developed a core but it was already overflowing)

Idia does say that he isn't exactly experimenting on them of his own volition. S.T.Y.X does house Phantoms....

Ortho got murdered by a OB monster.

[scarfacemarston]

Hi-hi! Just saw your vent post here, I'm so sorry you have to go through this, esp right before holidays. :/ As a distraction and if you'd be interested, maybe you could share your thoughts on what the hell Dutch was doing after 1899 till 1907? I know you write mostly about Abi&John, but I feel like you have a good grasp of characters in RDR, which is not blurred with fanon perceptions. I have a hard time imagining Dutch keeping low & surviving in the wilderness on his own, yet I don't think he could go around people unnoticed. He is quite a "colourful character" and the word that he's alive would spread fast. Plus his "all I did was fight" take on life makes me DoUbT even more that he could hold still for so long. Thank you! 🖤

Oh I'll write for anyone in terms of meta and history goes, It's just creatively, I don't have enough energy and I'm unsure if I still have the ability to "voice" the characters correctly. I have some of my other writing on my masterlist but well...most of my writing could use some editing. Anyhow, thank you so much. You’re too kind. To start, think it is totally fine to have headcanons and I never want to get in the way of those, but if someone wants a realistic answer to what happened - I look at the source material and only the source material. Which is why I sometimes get annoyed when people INISIST their headcanon is fact because that’s not what a headcanon is.  As you said, Dutch needs attention. He can't live happily without it. It doesn't matter if it's one person, 2, 3, or 20 or 50. He needs it somewhere somehow. Now that is normal for people, but Dutch is very much someone who needs it to thrive.  That is how he has always been whether he’s using the “romance of Evelyn Miller” or not -John bluntly says he was egotistical andr relied on the gang to feed him before we even have seen a wanted poster of him in rdr 1.

 Back to Dutch, he is very clever and an expert at avoiding the law and always has been. He’s the type to make an appearance to cause trouble and gain attention and then disappear like a cloud of smoke. So I think as long as he has the attention of at least one person, that slows him down a little. Micah easily feeds into that so he can manipulate Dutch in a lot of ways, but Dutch probably knows this and can put him in line in some ways. Dutch had to, I don’t see him following Micah like that - just his “suggestions”. 

With the knowledge of both games, I think he traveled with Micah for years, the events of the epilogue occur and THEN catches up with Bill and Javier for a while. 

When you talk to the Pinkertons in chapter 3 of RDR 1, they get pissy that they didn’t listen to the rumors that Dutch was outside of Blackwater near Manzinita  not just the entire time in the game - but for years  in the mountains with his own gang in Cochinay, so it’s possible he already met up with Javier and Bill and left with Micah. IDK but I think that’s where Dutch went after the epilogue. I spent some time writing until 1911 and then I saw your post said 1907. If you want to read what else I wrote, feel free to; if not, that’s okay, too! 

People do not take John seriously when it comes to Dutch’s personality or who he or Dutch is in rdr 1 which is frustrating when many people haven’t even played rdr 1 to even know how Javier, John, Abigail, Dutch and Bill are. A lot of people don’t want to accept that their character of choice was darker or more jaded than their rdr 2 counterpart but that is how it was written originally. I don’t understand why people don’t trust the original protagonist who grew up with him. Bill, and Javier have less than 5 minutes each of screen time to the point that I’ve written Javier’s script. So people not at least acknowledging what John says makes zero sense. Again, headcanon is a very different thing. When Dutch catches up with Bill and Javier whether it’s with Micah before 1907 or not -  Regardless, it sounds to me that Javier became disillusioned with Dutch and Bill’s actions and became a wanderer / bounty hunter in Mexico. The game cannot stress enough how cruel and ruthless Bill and Dutch become to the point that some of their scenes were nearly blocked because RockStar couldn’t release the game unless they changed it. I think it says a lot about Javier that he left on his own after that. It makes Javier’s story so much more tragic.   That’s what all the locals say. Bill goes to New Austin to start his own nasty gang but Javier does shield him again anyway. I don’t know how recently Javier saw  Dutch. He tries to tell John that Dutch is in South America and will take him but is obviously lying. I think that it was still was out of a sense of loyalty even if they weren’t together. Either way, when you talk to the Pinkertons in chapter 3 of RDR 1, they get pissy that they didn’t listen to the rumors that Dutch was outside of Blackwater near Manzinita  not just the entire time in the game - but for years  in the mountains with his own gang in Cochinay. This is 1911.