#LIKE IT LEGIT FELT LIKE I GUT PUNCHED IN THE STOMACH THAT WAS SO???????????? I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

bluedemon1995 · 4 years ago

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I can’t watch you with someone else. It’s tearing me apart. Happy Valentines Day my dear friends!! (Yeah I’m late but whatever)

What’s going on on? I hope you all are good!

Pidge has been quiet for a few weeks, months if she is being completely honest. Analyzing her options carefully and trying to figure out what she should do. She wants to be happy for him. In fact, she is. He deserves to be happy after all. He deserves to be with someone who eases his load and appreciates him. And while she didn’t realize what she really felt for him before she does now. Fuck. There’s no putting that element back into the table now.

Typical. Sometimes the timing in life just sucked. Maybe some distance… maybe she just needs some space to get a little perspective. So with Keith and the Blades scheduled to be back home for at least a few months for negotiations and humanitarian talks Pidge had decided she needed to leave before Keith even got on the planet.

After careful consideration of her options, Pidge ultimately decided to sign up with the MFE pilots for their upcoming space mission. They felt like they needed some in depth experience in space and with the upgrades her and Matt finished on their crafts, it was time to test them out. Pidge secretly talked to a few people and requested to be reassigned as their point person to make adjustments… on their ships… in space.

Pidge knew she had to talk to her parents about her decision but in typical fashion she put it off to the last minute. But with Keith’s eminent arrival, time was up. She sat them both down to let them know why she needed some space. While her mom was not happy, she understood thank goodness. Unfortunately, this time it was her dad who was more…unhappy. Her mom gave her a hug and whispered, “I can handle dad. Just, please be careful and come back safe. Love you.”

With tears in her eyes, Pidge promised.

A few short weeks later, Pidge knows she isn’t going to be able to run away from these feelings but she also knows, she can get through them. She just has to be focused and busy. Which she embraced. So late nights, projects and lack of eating led her to her current problem.

She was currently hanging over James’ shoulder while he stalked through the halls of the ship. She should’ve known he’d enforce the ‘rules’ he placed on her. He was a little more like Shiro than she felt comfortable with. Making her eat, sleep and just be with the team was not what she imagined he’d be like on a mission. Get the job done. So she ignored his requests, then orders. But here they were. He finally gets to her room and throws her down on the bed.

“Stay. Sleep.”

“Um, gee, James I didn’t know I was your pet? What the fuck?” She sits up frowning, pushing her hair back out of her angry eyes.

Pointing at her, he returns, “You’re here until you sleep, at least ten hours! You’re lucky I don’t tie you up! That’s an order.”

“Gee James, kinda kinky, don’tcha think? I didn’t know you ran that way.” She bats his finger away.

“Argh!!! Please tell me you are worse now than before! How did you manage to save the flipping universe?!? You don’t listen, you don’t sleep and I swear I don’t know if you even eat! Take care of your damn self! I’m definitely not trying to be your parent but hell if you don’t need someone looking after you! Look, I don’t care if you have some secret issues that you won’t share with your team leader - “

Suddenly Pidge has lunged for James, hitting him square in the gut followed by a leg sweep. “SHUT UP!! I don’t need another mom or dad, I have two already!” Panting and red faced she stares down at him.

“You wanna fight? Let’s go then! Maybe you will wear yourself out and get some damn sleep!”

He lunges upward and Pidge feints left only to move right, jumping onto the bed and slamming back into him. He falls but quickly grabs Pidge so suddenly she is on top of him, twisting to make sure he falls on the bed.

They end up wresting, each one trying to get the upper hand. Once again James is surprised at her strength and quickness, especially when he knows she must be exhausted. But, James won’t let up. So when Pidge punches him again he grabs her wrists in his hands and holds her down using his weight as leverage. No matter what she doesn’t outweigh him and she’s using too much energy. Finally, after she’s exhausted her little reserves of energy she has she stops moving. Then he hears her sobs.

James eyes widen, instantly letting go of her wrists quietly murmuring, “No, no, no, no crying! For God’s sake are they right? You, um shit. Whoever HE is, he isn’t worth it.” More softly, he adds emphatically, “He isn’t worth your tears.”

With that he pulls her close and lets her cry on his chest. After some time, he looks down and sees she’s basically cried herself to sleep. In his arms. For another guy. Shit. He moves her from his arms to the bed, making sure to take her shoes off and cover her. He starts to leave but when she whimpers he stops. Feeling more tired than ever he debates with himself. Frozen he doesn’t know what to do.

He finally decides to leave when he again hears her whimpering. He groans, pushing off his shoes and laying down in bed beside her-over the covers. He hesitates but when he hears a groan he ultimately pulls her close and holds her, rubbing her back. Laying next to her small form, he can’t help but wonder, who is she hiding from? What idiot wouldn’t thank the stars that this little spitfire wanted him? Sighing, he figured it really wasn’t his business and he just let sleep claim him.

Meanwhile, Keith has finally cornered Matt and Shiro. “Where’s Pidge? And don’t give me that crap - top secret mission stuff either.” It’s been two weeks. And no sign of her. And no one is talking. It stopped being annoying a week ago. Now he’s torn between being mad and nervous. She’s not answering his calls and she KNEW he’d be here on Earth. Why would she leave?

Matt avoids eye contact and mutters, “Why do you care? Aren’t you busy with your team?”

Keith frowns, breathing out of his nose, trying like hell to hold onto his patience. “What. Is. Going. On?”

Matt pushes past Keith muttering, “I can’t tell you a goddamn thing. I promised.” Then yanked the door open and slammed it shut.

Keith looked to Shiro. His heart was racing, and he felt jittery with a bad feeling in his stomach. “Shiro. Please, tell me Shiro. Please. Is she mad at me? Did she leave BECAUSE of me? What the hell??? What’s going on?”

Shiro sighs, “Keith, I can’t give away Pidge’s reasoning. All I can say is she is helping the MFE pilots with their training. In space. It’s a legit mission. You know she worked really hard to”

Keith freezes, “The MFE pilots? Griffin’s team?”

“Um, yeah well he’s there. Why does that matter? Everyone is there and ”

Keith frowns, “Why didn’t Matt go then? This isn’t right. I gotta go, I’ll talk to you later Shiro.”

As he walks away, his thoughts are focused on a past briefing about drills being run, by the MFE pilots. He can get out there with Cosmo. Would that be weird? Frowning he bumps into Kolivan and his mom. Krolia grabs Keith’s arm and pulls him into an empty room.

Kolivan begins, “Keith, the Green Paladin is on a mission. With another team. She is not slated to return until well after our trip is finished. This appears like a strategic move.”

Krolia nods, “Yes, Colleen offered congratulations on your engagement. She said they had been told that you were marrying a fellow Blade. When I discounted this she seemed concerned. I was able to piece a timeline that indicates Pidge took this mission last minute. Why would they think you were mated?”

Keith frowned, “What?Who the heck would say that? Maybe someone on controls sent a wrong message? Shit. They are still really bad at English. But that still doesn’t explain why would she leave?”

Krolia and Kolivan exchanged a long look. Keith growled, “If you know something spit it out. I don’t have time for this. I need to corner Pidge and figure out what’s going on. This isn’t like her.”

Kolivan slowly stared at Keith, “What would you do if you got word that your little green paladin was marrying some other male?”

Keith’s eyes flashed, “What? Who?”

Krolia took his fist carefully in her hand. “Exactly, you’d fight. But I do not think your mate’s first instinct is to fight. Especially in love. She’s young and inexperienced. And if she thinks this is what you want.”

Kolivan returns, “I’m actually surprised myself, I did not picture her running.”

Krolia frowns, “It is a strategic retreat. NOT running.”

Keith froze. After a few doobashes he looks up, “Do you think she ran? Because…”

Krolia shook her head. “Keith, we do not know. This is something you need to ask her. In person. Soon. Where is Cosmo?”

Back on the ship, things have returned to normal. Pidge is working hard and staying focused but has deigned to eat and sleep. When the pilots invited her to the bar for drinks and dinner to celebrate a successful one month in space, she declines.

Back in her room, she was sitting on the bed, wondering what her next steps could be. Should she stay in space? Take another mission? Get back into active duty?? Get some perspective? Travel?

She saw from her phone that Lance was calling but she declined the call and crawled in bed. She still wasn’t ready to talk to anyone about this. Not even a friend. Maybe a movie night was in order. As she was scrolling through her laptop, she decided she needed a comedy. Maybe a series? Then she heard a knock.

Frowning she ignored it. But the knocking didn’t stop, who ever it was they were persistent. Finally getting up, she whips door opened to find James, holding a two bottles of scotch?!?

“Hey.”

“Can I come in?”

“Um sure.”

A few hours later, both are laying in her bed, watching the Office reruns and swapping swigs from the same bottle, which is almost empty at this point. Pidge is giggling and keeps saying lines from future episodes, which James has no clue of. Which annoyed him because it wasn’t fair but it just made her laugh more. Then she kept saying, “That’s what she said!”

After James said something, which was clearly irritating him. But for her, it just made it more fun for Pidge. After another season, Griffin was really getting comfy, taking off his shoes and jacket. Pidge teased him, “You know you could take off your uniform shirt and just stay in your t-shirt? Be a rebel.”

James grinned, “That’s what she said!”

Pidge laughed, “Doofus, I literally DID just say that, that’s not how it works!”

As they calmed down and starting watching another season of Jim dance around Pam. James quietly asked, “So, you don’t have to tell me, but who is the guy? … Lance?”

Pidge looks up, “What?!? No! God, there’s too much gossiping on this ship.”

James nods, “Yeah, I agree… but it’s true, right?”

Pidge quietly replies, “Look it doesn’t matter in the end. Lance, Shiro, whoever, the bottom line is he’s with someone and I want him to be happy. So I’ll step back and when I can get my shit together, I’ll be able to be around him again. I just can’t watch him with someone else.”

James stares at her silent for a minute, then turns off the light and removes his uniform shirt, pushing her gently, he says, “Move over.”

Pidge complies and once James gets situated, she snuggles into his side. He continues, “So, definitely not Lance. If, it’s not him, it’s well, it must be Keith. I saw how you two interacted, always eating together on the Atlas, his eyes watching you when you weren’t looking and just being comfortable in each other’s space. So I don’t like him but I’m sorry. For you, because he must be stupid to…” his voice trails when he looks down at her. Her eyes are shiny and he mutters, “Please don’t cry. It, well, it just fucking breaks my heart.”

Pidge tries to laugh, “Look, you and Keith are more alike than not. He’s not perfect but he’s a great guy and well, he should be happy. So. Don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine. Now watch this because Pam and Jim will finally get their shot. It, it’s super sweet.” Her voice trails off at the end.

James nods, “Yeah okay. But honestly, this is it, I swear, but, if he doesn’t see how amazing you are. Well, that’s on him. Because, any guy would jump at being yours. Now, I still don’t get how this is romantic. He liked her forever, and she liked him but they won’t take their shot?”

Pidge smiles, “It’s only romantic because the audience wants them together and know how great they’d be. If they don’t get together it would have just been sad but since they do…it’s amazing.”

Pidge awakens to a crack?!?, yelling and the covers suddenly being ripped off of her. Blinking in the surprise, she rubs her eyes to see Keith and Cosmo, in the room?!?

“Keith!! What the hell???” Standing on the bed, she feels Cosmo jump over and rub against her legs. Instinctively holding on to him, she sees Keith punch James and James return the favor. The room is too small and they are bumping and knocking around her already crowded room.

Keith roars, “Why are you in here?!?”

James grins, “C’mon I’m sure you have an idea. Whatever you’re thinking, that’s it.”

Keith’s vision suddenly turns hazy and he launches himself forward. Only to see Pidge jump between them. Instinctively he changes course so he doesn’t hurt her his fist slams into the wall. Breathing heavy, he stares at Pidge, who is hanging on his arm, lowly asking her, “Tell me what’s going on?”

Pidge sighs and turns to James. “James, I think I need some time to talk to Keith. Thanks for, um,” Pidge isn’t quite sure how to finish that sentence so she just waves a hand, “everything.”

James frowns, “Are you sure?”

“Mmmhmmmm.”

As James very slowly gets his stuff to leave, Keith growls noticing he has to pick up his shirt and coat from the floor. Then he takes note that there’s an empty bottle(s) of scotch and her laptop is on the bed. Were they Netflixing and chilling. Did she? Did he? Not Griffin. Please. He closes his eyes to try and focus. This situation somehow just got worse. Worse than he already thought. When he hears the door finally closing he opens his eyes focusing totally on Pidge. He looks at her and realizes, thankfully, she’s in a t-shirt and pajama pants.Okay that’s a good sign. Right? He doesn’t think one would get dressed after having sex so that’s a plus. And Griffin had pants on too come to think of it. He stalks towards her and stops right in front of her. She’s got her arms crossed and is looking at the floor. “Pidge.”

She doesn’t look up. He frowns. He needs. Fuck too much at this point. “One-I’m not engaged or getting married or whatever you thought.”

Pidge’s eyes snap up. “What?!?”

“My mom said your mom thought I was engaged. I am not. Two-if you had questions why the hell would you not call me and ask?!? Instead what-you left? When you knew I was coming back. Three-you, um, didn’t answer my call…calls. What did I do? Why are you mad at me? I fucking left you messages. A lot.” At this point his hands are gripping her upper arms and he has pulled her close. Staring at her, trying to figure out what is eve going on.

Blank. Pidge’s mind is in flux, all she can think is…I can’t think. Shit. “Um, sorry. I um, am helping the, uh-“

“No, that doesn’t explain the silence. You didn’t pick up. Worse, you didn’t call me back. Hell, you left me unreadable, why?”

“Fuck, I’m sorry!!!”

“You’re forgiven, if you tell me WHY?” He pulls her close, and now she’s on her tip toes.

Pidge sighs, “Fuck. Keith, I just can’t watch you with someone else. It would tear me apart, seeing you are with someone else. But I, I want you to be happy and, I, I”

“What?” Keith closes the space, taking the last step closer, both of there chests are now brushing each other and Pidge can feel Keith’s body heat. She blinks. She’s gotta think. How can she think when he’s so close and staring at her?

But then Keith’s hand reacher for her chin, and his thumb brushes her lower lip.

Her mind short circuits and she blurts out, “I have feelings for you. And I “

Keith’s eyes flash, and suddenly his arms are around her. His mouth is on hers before she can formulate any thought and after his mouth was on hers, thought was freaking impossible. Keith was holding her, kissing her and she was responding, moaning and her knees literally buckled.

After some time, Keith has maneuvered her to the bed and is holding her close. His hand is lightly tracing patterns on her lower back, as they snuggle into each other. Keith whispers, “So, moment of truth- my whole reason for coming back to Earth, was to put myself in a strategic position so I could date you. I finally figured it out, that what I felt for you was not simple friendship. It was so much more, so much. I needed to talk to you, needed to ask your opinion and bounce ideas off you. And that was new for me, so I tried to ignore what it could mean. But, I couldn’t not talk to you. Then you went radio silent. And it freaked me out. Really. I can’t, just, don’t EVER do that again.” He gripped her face in his hand, voice dropped, “please.”

“What?”

“Katie, I… can you feel what I am writing on your back?”

“I…L..O..V..E..U. Keith?!? Really?”

“Yeah, I do. Um how do you feel?”

“I love you too.”

“Babe.”

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onepunchmiss · 6 years ago

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OPM s2 e9 Live Blog

“The Troubles of the Strong”

GOSH DANG 2 HOUR COMMUTES FROM WORK I woke up at 4am just to get to work early specifically so I could leave early I could watch this episode sooner because THIS IS THE EPISODE IVE BEEN WAITING FOR FOREVER OK Ive just been vibrating at my desk all day fluctuating somewhere between ‘awerstdyfcvgbjhkn’ and ‘SADFVYNTBGVRFCE’ IM NOT mentally or emotionally prepared so WITHOUT FURTHER DELAY IMMA WATCHHHH

as always I’m watching from the perspective of someone who is up to date on the Web comic and Manga

“I know that head” *Immediatley cuts to opening theme* I SCREAM i wasnt expecting that nor am I prepared to see Zombieman not even the same 2 pictures of him that ive seen all season help my stomach is in knots and i cannot

asdfghjkl I can tell already this live blog is gonna be SOOOOO BIAS just cause IM WAITING for THE THING annd the rest is great and all but I CANT FOCUS ON ANYTHING Im really not gonna do the episode over all justice im sorry sdfghjk

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I CALLED IT IT WAS SONIC THE DOODLE WAS SONIC i was holding my breath cause I knew there was a VERY SLIM CHANCE it would be Z but i felt it in my gut It would be sonic uhg phew ok not dead yet

lol Bakuzan stopping mid boast and just screaming dude you should’ve known then and there to quit oh my god the music is SO excessive right now I’m very distracted it better be part of the gag… or not ok

Saitama just casually explaining stuff I love him so much sweetheart,,, pft “I was bored”, honestly I just appreciate how anime captures the beats every time Saitama delivers a line like that, we expect it but it never fails to make me cackle. Also, “that kind of strength should be illegal” he says to SAITAMA yeah ok

OH!!!! GENOS BB stop getting obliterated please Dr. Kuseno is old what are you going to do when you can’t rely on him for repairs and EYYY Shout out to Atomic, Tatumaki, Flash, and King for the cameos. Genos, are you really underestimating your Sensei like that?? Are you the real genos?????

OH MY GOD DID THEY JUST GIVE SUIRYU A SAITAMA FACE WHAT IS THIS CURSED IMAGE

ok in all seriousness Suiryu’s voice actor is killin it like I legit feel bad for they guy getting dragged by Saitama, U hav my respect Suiryu I still might not like you all that much but damn u makin me feel that character development

THIS IS SUCH A CUTE FACE

guys I love saitama so much be still my heart it hurts ;-; this scene chouldne be as heart warming as it is right now hhhhhhhhhhh

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH PRISONER PRISONER FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFSDGFSDGS I FORGOT U WERE GONNA SHOW UP I HAVE AN ODD LOVE HATE RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR CHARACTER BUT GD ARE YOU ENTERTAINING AS HELL HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHYOU BIG HAPPY IDIOT IM SCREAMING IM SO CONCERNED OH MY GOD THEY SHOWED THE BUTT RINGING I FEEL SO CONFLICTED AM I EXCITED?? SCARED?? PROBABLY BOTH

ok ok ok ok ok ok ok so now that the tournament is officially over I know theres still a lot to cover this ep before Z???? BUT my bloodpressure WILL NOT CALM DOWN cause WHAT IF they do thingS OUT of ORDER IM ON HIGH ALERT HIGH ALERT WHAT IF I DIE

OH HI KING HELP IM HAVING ANXIETY YOU KNOW HOW THAT BE RIGHT MY DUDE aw omg how are they both so cute looking right now??? WAIT also that was a smooth transition from Saitama Face™ to serious face woah ?? You know, with all that talk I wonder what the end game is for Saitama? Like, will the series end seriously or on a joke? He gonna find a real challenge or will it somehow be another one-punch? I am completely undecided tbh…

...i wanted king to finish saying “daze” so badly right thereu said yare yare plz give me the meme plz Ok the way Saitama keeps saying ‘Kinggu’ is weirding me out also ng is great and this is very nicely drawn

...plussireaditinamanga… PFFFTTT the VOICE ACTING-- King is such a good friend for Saitama really thank goodness for him ASDFGHJKL THE WHOLE REST OF THE EXCHANGE IS SO GOOD ‘OK JERKOFF’ im d y i n g

I MISSED YOU PLZ COME BACK TO THE REGULARLY SCHEDULED BEING A LIL SHIT PLZ UR BEAUTIFUL also the king movements on the bike looked pretty neato

OK Honestly though why does no one know what the Hero Hunter is supposed to look like?? How is that not common knowledge among heroes by now?????

SCREECHING IM SCREECHING THE SECOND MOST IMPORTANT THING IN THIS EPISODE (i hope???? its running kinda late and I’m worried???????) THE NINJAS THE NINJA DUO ITS THEMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM theyre so pretty i cri ????

OK MONSTER WIND LOOKS REALLY COOL I DIG I DIGGGG also I REALY dig the ominous music and as this scene is nearing its end MY HEART IS POUNDING HELP

MARSHALL GORILLA IM HYPERVENTILATING AND SCREAMING AND MY PALMS ARE SWEATING ARM SPAGHETTI HELP MY EYES ARE WATERING TOO

my hands are shaking as im typing and i cant stop laughing nervously and my through is dry this is NOT NORMAL typing is hard im afraid to push play im afraid

its been 5 minutes i cant push play i cant

I MADE A MISTAKE THEY DIDNT SHOW THE OTHER HEROES FIRST HES ON MY SCREEN I CANT STOP MY LEGS SHAKING I BREATHE

tfw ive been just mumbling oh my god oh my god nope nope nope for 10 minutes help help help nope

hes on my screen but i cant push play i cant open the tab i cant

everything is so much easier if i didnt FEEL but I have FEELINGS \

I cant even look at him i cant hes too perfect help

30 minutes i can breathe but like shaking ???? ???

ok it only took 45 minutes alright ok ok ok open the tab and PUSH the BUTTON

I lied it took an hour i still cant look at the screen im gonna die this man will be the death of me I CANT GO 2 SECONDS WITHOUT PAUSING AND SCREAMING WHY CAN I REREAD THE CHAPTER OVER AND OVER BUT CANT LISTEN TO HIM FOR 2 SECONDS WHY

OK im gonna start counting how many times I’ve paused from now on its been AT LEAST 8 so lets start there.

11 long pause his voice im crying his face

13 just look at him I cant my stomach

14 “DRAT” help me

15 i keep switching tabs but cant push play again oh no

18 I just noticed he definitely has eyebrows here asdfghjkl

NO COME BACK TORTURE ME SOME MORE WITH YOUR PERFECT GENERAL PRESENCE that was the most exhausting 1.5 hours asdfghjkl what if they dont make a season 3 what if I never see him in motion again what if i just die

OH MY GOD DRIVE KNIGHT MY MYSTERIOUS SON THANK YOU I CAN BREATHE DISTRACT ME PLZ

WAIT

DESTROCHLORIDIUM I CANT HANDLE THIS EPISODE I JUST REALLY CANT I JUST AND THE HEKKIN CAPTION HE GOT A BAD CASE OF THE RUNS AND OMFG MY FAVORITE GAROU MOMENT FROM THE MANGA THUS FAR NEXT WEEK I !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i… no recap this week. i think my feelings on the ep are obvious. Thanks for reading and somehow managing to get this far? I appreciate yall so much really. Thank you for following me being nuts as I am. I seriously mean it. I’ll see yall next week with the next with the next episode!

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mousieta · 7 years ago

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biggest regret?

Ok, this is gonna sound lame but it is legit my biggest regret. This occurred in the brief period of time between breaking up with my college boyfriend and meeting my now husband. A window of about 4 months.

For the past couple years I’d had a huge crush on literally the most beautiful man, who we shall call Steve, because that is not his name. Like, literally, I felt a punch to the stomach the first (and every time, really) I saw Steve. We lived in the same house of craziness with some other roommates for a short while, during which time he saved me from being kidnapped amongst other escapades and we would spend hours literally walking around town and talking. Whatevs. Stunningly gorgeous but also an all around Great Guy. Give you the shirt off his back type and shake his fist at the man while doing so.

So this evening, I was single, he was single, we were chatting on the phone and I wondered if I should offer to hang out with that feeling in my gut that the mild flirtation we’d enjoyed would probably turn into A Hookup. But just before I could ask, my phone beeped with another call, answered it and it was some other friends asking if I wanted to hang out. I said yes. Said later to Steve and met up with my friends.

About a month later I met the hubs and (as it was pretty obvious our relationship was going one place and one place only) I realized I’d missed my one window to hook up with Steve. Hubs commiserated with me and….like I’ve lived a fairly good life. I’m happy with all of it…. but every so often I think back to the moment I clicked over the line and bemoan the fact that I didn’t ever get a chance to tap that.

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babyshawwn · 8 years ago

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Broken Dreams

MASTERLIST

A/N: This was requested by my lovely @lovethatmendeskid and I just loved the idea. I’m super nervous, legit shaking. I really hope you like it!

Word count: 3,502

I was sitting at the dining table in the kitchen, staring over at the full plate of - by now – very cold food. Food that – once again – weren’t going to be eaten.

I’d been sitting here for hours, but I stopped counting exactly how many that had passed by now. The more seconds that flew by, the more it stung in my heart.

I pushed myself up and grabbed the plate, before throwing the food in the trash, smashing the empty plate down the sink. It cracked and shattered into tiny pieces, but I didn’t even care.

I was too upset to care about anything anymore.

I’d been crying heavily, but now, it seemed like there were no more tears left in my eyes. Instead, I just felt weak and drained, tried.

I dropped down on the chair again, resting my heavy head in my palms. I couldn’t figure out if the anger had more control over my body or if it was the hurt heating up me up slowly.

I heard the front door unlock slowly as distant footsteps sounded in the hall, breaking the painful silence in the big house. I shut my eyes, feeling the sickness spread and making my stomach turn.

I honestly didn’t know, if I could even be in the same room as Shawn. I was afraid, I might throw something at his face.

“Hey babe, sorry it got so late” Shawn shouted out, fumbling to take his shoes of.

I kept my eyes shut, trying to force down air into my aching lungs. Every breath seemed to slowly strangle me.

I felt the anger pumping around in my veins, forcing me to bite into my bottom lip until my teeth left sore marks.

“Did you eat already?” Shawn yelled out again. I was almost too furious to even answer him back. My nails dug roughly into the skin in my palms as I tried to remain somehow calm.

“Yes Shawn, I ate. It’s 11 pm. Your food got cold so I threw it out” I yelled back to him. The hurt made my voice shake, cracking over at the end.

“Yeah, I know. Sorry, hon. We were writing this killer song and-“

“Whatever” I sighted exhausted.

I’d heard the excuses a million times before. I knew them by heart now.

“Where are you?”

“Kitchen” I mumbled back.

Seconds after Shawn appeared in the doorframe. He leaned against the wall, crossing his arms like he always did, before gazing over at me. His warm smile met me within seconds, though I was angry, it still made the butterflies crack open in my stomach.

I hated it. I hated that even though he repeatedly hurt me, I couldn’t get myself to stop loving him. I couldn’t turn of my feelings or shut them down, they were always creeping in on me, even if I didn’t want them too.

I had been staring at the ceiling for hours, all by myself, drowning in my own tears. It had left its obvious traces on my face. My eyes were watery and foggy, they were burning red and sore. My cheeks were sweltering and my face swollen.

Usually, I tried covering it up with make-up before he made it home, but tonight I just couldn’t care less.

When Shawn caught my eyes, his smile slowly washed of his lips and his worried gaze stuck on me.

“What’s going on, love?” he asked, walking towards me.

Shawn reached out to stroke my sore cheek, but I pulled away from his hand. His dark, confused eyes caught mine, as he wrinkled his forehead in confusion at my reaction.

He placed a hand on the table, leaning closer to me. He was about to speak, but I pulled out the letter and threw it on the table.

“What’s this?” I asked, staring him down.

Shawn sighted heavily, rubbing the back of his neck, before dropping down on a chair too. Suddenly, he seemed just as exhausted as me.

“Darling, I can explain” he started, but I cut him off.

“Oh please do!” I screamed back at him.

I picked up the letter and threw it at his face. Unfortunately, Shawn was quick enough to catch it with his left hand.

“You weren’t supposed to see that, I-“

“I wasn’t supposed to see the letter that confirmed you bought a house in LA?” I banged my fist into the table, screaming on the top of my lungs.

Shawn’s face turned white within seconds and he desperately bit his lip. I’d never yelled at him before; it took him by surprise but it also broke something inside his pounding chest.

I waited impatiently for him to speak, but he just stared blank at me. I shook my head, leaning back in the chair, rolling my eyes at him.

”So you’re moving?” Shawn tried opening his mouth to speak, but nothing else than low stutters left his trembling lips.

“Just suddenly picking up everything and leaving behind? Leaving me behind?” I screamed at him.

“I didn’t-“

“Were you planning on telling me?”

“Of course!”

“When?”

“When the time was right”

“And tell me Shawn, when was the time right? The fucking day you were leaving?”

“No I just…”

“You just what?”

I could literally feel the anger pumping around in my blood. I had never been this furious before, never. It was like the anger took over my body, took control over my feelings.

“Why are you getting so mad?”

“Excuse me?!” I shouted at his face. I smashed both my palms into the table, leaning towards him.

“That came out wrong” Shawn hurried to say, leaning a little away from me.

His face was pale and his lips out of colour. I rolled my eyes at him, forcing some air into my lungs. I had to calm myself down, otherwise I would end up ripping his fucking head off.

“It’s not like I’m leaving you behind. I want you to come with me”

“To LA? Are you out of your fucking mind?”

“What? What’s wrong with LA? You loved it there” Shawn defended himself, raising his voice at me.

Why the hell was he getting angry?

“For a week as a vacation! I can’t leave Toronto, my entire life is here. Uni, work, my family and friends”

“We can work that out, there’s schools in La too and-“

“It’s not even the fucking point!”

“Then what is the point?” Shawn screamed right back at me.

“Am I supposed to give up everything for you?! Sit around and wait for you, while you get to live your dream?” I screamed right back at him.

We stared blank at each other, not moving, barely even breathing. We both had our hands on the table, leaning towards each other.

Our faces were only inches apart, but he’d never felt more distant to me, than he did right in this moment.

We weren’t at the same range anymore; we were two complete different places. It was like our two hearts was still beading, but they were beating with two different rhythms and we couldn’t reach each other anymore.

“You took this major decision without even consulting me”

“I was going too”

“Obviously not since you already bought the house!”

“I thought you loved me enough to come with me” He screamed back. His wild eyes stuck on me and I felt a punch in my gut.

Looking at Shawn’s hurt expression made everything inside me turn. I never wanted to see him like this, it made me sick.

His words hit a sore spot in my head as I realized, that maybe I didn’t. At least not anymore. I didn’t love him enough to move across the sea with him – for him – not anymore.

My body collapsed and sank entirely and I leaned back my chair, hiding my face in my shaking hands. Only a few seconds after, the tears were running down my sore cheeks. Small, almost silent sobs, found their way out of my whimpering lips.

“Don’t you love me anymore?” Shawn suddenly asked.

His voice cracked over and though I wasn’t looking at him, I could tell he was tearing up. His voice sounded so fragile, it made my heart shatter into tiny bits.

“I love you, Shawn. I just…”

“I honestly didn’t mean to hurt you, y/n. I was going to tell you, but I had to move on this deal. I didn’t think there would be any doubts of you coming with me” his honest words made my gaze up at him.

The tears had reached the surface in his eyes and they were slowly running down his flushed cheeks, dripping of his rosy lips. His trembling fingers ran through his hair, as he desperately tried strangling the silent sobs escaping his lips. I closed my eyes, taking in a deep breath.

“Haven’t you felt it too?” I asked, gazing up at him.

“No, I-“

“You’re never here, Shawn. We’re not in a relationship anymore. We’re just… living our separate lives”

“Don’t say that, please” he begged me.

I felt the sharp pain shoot through my chest, but I couldn’t do anything to stop it. The hurt spread to my entire body and completely numbed me.

The loneliness was the hardest part. Shawn was traveling the world, connecting with his fans, talking to all kind of people. He had people around him, people that cared. Shawn had his crew, they always had his back, I only had him.

I’d always only had him.

Selfish or not, I needed him. I needed him to myself sometimes too. I didn’t mind sharing him with the world as long as I knew, I would always mean just that bit more in the end. But I didn’t know if I did anymore, I didn’t know if I meant enough to him.

“But it’s true, Shawn. You never pick me anymore. You used too. I used to be higher on your list. You used to find it hard leaving me for months”

“Things changed, okay? I just got used to being away. It’s not like I don’t love you anymore.” he whispered, rubbing his forehead.

A heavy sight escaped his mouth and it killed me slowly inside. His hand ran across the cold table and found mine. I wanted to fight him off, but I couldn’t get myself to do it.

His warm fingertip played with my skin, leaving it burning behind. In the seconds of this tender moment, neither of us breathed.

For just a second, it felt normal. We felt normal.

But then reality kicked in again and the familiar face across the table – once again – became a stranger to me.

“Are you sure about that? Do you love me as much as you used to? As much as I love you?” I asked, honestly.

I had my doubts. Actually, this unspoken question had been suffocating me slowly for so long. Though it hurt to say the words aloud, I felt like I could finally breathe again.

“Of course I do!”

“Then prove it. Give me something, show me something” I begged him, but he just shrugged his shoulders at me.

“I don’t know what you want from me”

I didn’t know how to talk to him, I didn’t know how to put words on my feelings. We weren’t at the same place, we were too far from each other, distant. And in this moment, that’s exactly how I felt, distant and empty.

Sometimes, it felt like he took my love for granted. I had always been there, cheering him on, hoping for the breakthrough. I wanted that for him, I wanted this dream for him. I had always given Shawn my all, I always gave him all of me.

Was it so terrible of me to want just half of it back?

I found myself getting lost in this relationship over and over again. Dreaming of and craving what it used to be, what we used to be. Giving up on my dreams just to let him fulfil his.

“I want love, Shawn. Love. I want to be important, feel important”

“You are important”

“Not as much as everything else”

“What do you want from me, y/n? Are you expecting me to give up on my dream?”

“No, Shawn...” I said, sighting heavily.

My eyes were flickering around the room. I shook my head lightly, feeling nothing but empty inside. I had to swallow the lump in my dry throat, before I was able to speak again.

“But I wanted to be a part of your dream” I whispered back sorely. My words hung onto the air and left the room silent.

This wasn’t how it was supposed to be. I missed him, I missed feeling him close to me. Was that so awful of me? Did it make me a shitty person?

I needed him and I clearly needed him more than he needed me. For some, home is a roof over their head. For me, it was Shawn.

It had always been.

He was home to me. And maybe, I stopped loving him as much as I used to, the moment I realized, he was slowly destroying my heart with his absence. He didn’t mean too, but he couldn’t help it.

But I should have known it would end this way. People kept telling me it would, that we would never make it work. I always feared that better things for him, would mean leaving me behind and somehow, it felt like that’s what happening in this moment.

I guess a part of me always knew I’d end up losing him in end, that he was too good for me but part of me never wanted to believe it.

A part of me kept holding on to the thought that we might beat the odds. That we might be the unlikely couple who made it through. I used to believe that.

Until now.

“I just want to be with you”

“I want to believe you, Shawn. I really do, but it just doesn’t feel like that anymore” I cried, feeling all the air being punched out of my lungs.

His words were empty to me. They felt like a routine; something he said automatically.

“Tell me how I can fix this, please. I can’t… I don’t want to live without you”

“Honestly, I’m not sure we can fix this” I sighted, feeling just how heavy my body felt.

“Please don’t” Shawn cried, strangling in his own tears. They kept running down his face, dripping from his nose to the surface of our glass table.

Even from across the table, I could see how much his hands were shaking and how tense his body was.

“You were always the best thing that ever happened to me, Shawn. But I’m not the best thing that happened to you anymore…. And I just… I can’t hold you back, but I can’t let you hold me back either”

“I don’t, I just-“ he stuttered, slowly suffocating in his tears.

I could tell the panic took over his body. His hands started to shake, his lips were whimpering as he tried strangling his tears.

He had a hard time regaining control over his faster, uneven breathing and the look in his eyes told me, he was slowly dying inside.

It made every fibre in my body ache, everything hurt to the point I almost became too numb to feel it.

He tried stuttering out words, but nothing other than husky sobs left his mouth. I kept thinking if I waited a few seconds longer, he’d come up with a sentence that would change everything, but he never did. He just looked at me.

“I didn’t want to be the dream you left behind” I whispered, wiping away tears from my face.

I pushed out the chair, barely getting on my feet. I held my breath for a second, giving Shawn the last time to speak, but his eyes glanced to the floor and I knew we’d lost.

I bit into my bottom lip, swallowing a cry before turning my back to him. I took a deep breath and walked out the door. I dropped down on my knees and broke into tears.

“Okay Shawn, you need to calm down” Geoff said, handing me a glass of water.

I took it in my hands, but they were shaking too much to even hold the glass without spilling the water. I hurried to put it down on the table again.

The endless tears were still running down my sore face and no matter how much I wanted to stop crying, I just couldn’t stop it.

My lungs felt aching and my chest hurt every time I tried forcing some air down. Geoff was worried about me, clearly, but I didn’t blame him. I don’t think he’d ever seen sobbing as much as I was right now.

I pressed my sweaty palm against my chest, feeling the pain pumping around inside of my body. I shut my eyes, begging to the higher powers that the pain you would soon.

Honestly, I wasn’t sure how much more my heart could take. It was at my breaking point, if I hadn’t already passed it.

“Shawn man, I’m worried about you” Geoff whispered, placing his hand on my shoulder.

I bit into my bottom lip, strangling the loud sobs pressing on. I collapsed down on the floor, letting my heavy head disappear into my palms and then I just cried;

I cried and I cried and I cried.

I felt Geoff drop down on the floor next to me, as his eyes were burning on me.

“Shawn, what’s going on?”

“She left me” I whispered, wondering if my words were too low to even hear.

Saying it out loud, it made everything worse. I had to admit it and accept the second, I said it aloud. I couldn’t deny it anymore. It went from being a nightmare to a reality.

She had really left me.

“What? Why?” Geoff asked me, giving my shoulder a comforting squeeze.

“I fucked up, I fucked up big time”

“I’m sure it isn’t that bad, Shawn. It’s nothing you can’t fix, I mean… you two, you are meant to be together. You’re that couple” Geoff calmed me, but I knew better. I knew I couldn’t fix this.

My entire body was shaking and I could hardly force air into my lungs. My head felt foggy and my thoughts were all over the place.

“I didn’t tell her about LA, I should have”

“Wait, you didn’t tell her you bought a house?”

“No… she found the letter”

“Mate-“

“I know, I know” I whispered, feeling my voice crack over.

I was stupid, I knew that now. I just wanted everything to be perfect before telling her. I wanted to surprise her. I wanted to make her happy.

“She’s not coming back” I said, mostly to myself.

“She loves you. Did you tell her about your plans?”

“I didn’t get the chance…” I ran my fingers through my hair, desperately wanting to take a deep breath. I rubbed my knuckles, gazing up at Geoff beside me.

His face had a wrinkle across his forehead and I knew he worried about me, he always had. But I was scaring him.

“I just wanted to… It’s too late. She’ll never know everything I planned. I will never be able to tell her about the excellent Uni five minutes away with her dream education. Or that I bought a house with a pool because she loves swimming. Or that it has several rooms so her family and friends can visit anytime. I’ll never be able to tell her how close to the beach it is, so we could go on our morning run at sunrise every day or that we’re only a few miles away from an art studio so she can continue to paint. She’ll never know… She’ll never know, I bought this house for our future together… for when we get married and have kids. I don’t wa-want to live there without her” my voice cracked over and I completely lost it.

A sharp pain cut through my chest, slowly suffocating me and leaving my body completely numb. Geoff grabbed around me and pulled me into a hug.

“Shh, it’s okay Shawn. You’re okay” he calmed, rubbing my back shortly.

I literally felt her slip out of my hands, disappearing from my life, erasing all my memories with her.

I was dying inside and there was nothing I could do about; nothing at all. The only thing I had left was broken dreams.

“I never got to tell her, she is my dream and… and that moving there together, it would be our dream, our future” I whimpered, pressing my hand hardly against my aching chest.

“Shawn, I’m so sorry”

“And now it’s too late. I fucked up and… I lost her”

#feedback is always so lovely #shawn mendes #shawn peter raul mendes #shawn mendes one shot #shawn mendes text #shawn mendes story #shawn mendes stories #shawn mendes imagine #shawn mendes imagines #shawn mendes request #shawn mendes fanfic #shawn mendes fanfiction #shawn mendes smut #shawn mendes au #shawn mendes angst #shawn mendes fluffy #shawn mendes fluff

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smrtboi2120-blog · 7 years ago

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Absence/From The Heart

So I’ve been gone quite some time. But as usual, I don’t want to spend too much time on that and I just want to dive into reflection and feelings concerning my mother. But I should mention some things. I felt compelled to start this blog, and it’s almost like, once I started it and wrote so much in the beginning, it relived a lot of what I was struggling with inside about all this, so I didn’t feel as compelled to write anymore. That and I’ve gotten busier and busier getting my life back together.

My life right now feels crazy. My mom’s appearing sicker and sicker from chemo treatment. I just received some very concerning news about a family member very close to my heart. And I’ve just seen 3 of the greatest films of the year within a 2 week period. My life feels so intense. It sounds silly but it’s true. I wouldn’t call it a dream, because I feel that implies something I desire. And I wouldn’t call it a movie because that implies a base of fiction, and this is all very real. Surreal would probably be the right word to describe this.

But let me just dive into free flowing thoughts about my mom and see what becomes of this.

I think about my mom and how I remember her when I was smaller. She had a lot of energy. She still does now, but it’s hidden and fighting under an ugly sickness, I don’t know how to address it properly. Cancer sounds so scary.

She’s lost basically all of her hair now. I tell her to shave it so it doesn’t look so....I don’t know...outstanding in a rough sort of way basically. But I think she’d like to hang on to all the hair she can.

It’s so hard for me to talk about my mom like this. She always seemed so strong to me, and she still does, but it’s hard to think about how this sickness is bringing her down, or at least trying to.

It’s been so long and I’d rather save time by not re-reading everything so far so I’m not sure if I’m repeating myself. But she’s putting all of us to shame. She’s still busy running around the house, keeping things in order and clean. What are we going to do without her. Us two males, my stepfather and me might become quite lost. My mom doesn’t want me to think that way of course, but I cannot help it.

Have I talked about how my mom is my best friend in the whole world? She is my whole world. I know that probably doesn’t sound exceptional. I’m sure most people are close to their mothers and I’m just another person. But this is all I can do as my own person, my own personal “catharsis” for all this as my sister said.

Maybe I should talk about what my mom was long when I was much smaller, in her younger years. She was very outgoing with all her female friends early on from what I can remember in my early adolescence. Actually, there were multiple times where I would cry so hard at night missing her and hoping she was okay when she stayed out late. I just couldn’t slip. My brain insisted on crying until she came home. That’s just one of many examples of my extreme attachment. It may be a bad thing, but it is what it is. I’m not going to shy away from it now, in this moment.

It’s been hard seeing her get sicker and sicker, suffering side effects from the chemo. But as long as it works, I believe this wil be all worth it. She had stomach problems, and then we got her medicine for that. She complained of severe throat pain and started losing her voice so I googled remedies for that on reddit like I do for EVERYTHING and like I’ve been doing for EVERYTHING concerning her and even my own personal life and daily remedies I need. And I saw that honey/ginger/and lemon tea seemed to be a popular soothing solution. So I made her some and it seemed to make a difference.

I know it seems small compared to everything else, but I don’t know, I don’t know what else to do. I feel so helpless so many times thinking about it. I’m ashamed I might not be a good son. That I’m not stronger. That I’m not more independent. I can’t help it. I’m not trying to make excuses and I can explain it but that’s not what I want this to be about. I wish I could make this go away for her with all of my might. Like I wish I could hug and squeeze the sickness out of her. I don’t know what to do. I feel so helpless. Sometimes I feel inadequate, but medication is help even/block that out.

Then she got a bloody nose recently and that’s worried us. But again, I just want her to be strong because I know chemo is the most effective form of treatment we basically have, so all my faith is in it. I just want to keep her weight up and her emotions high.

Not so long ago we got into an argument that I really regret. And I’ve vowed to never get into another argument with her again, no mater what, to keep her stress levels as low as possible.

I even want her to stop going outside because I know she can protect her vital immune system that way. When I secluded myself for almost a whole year on two different occassions, I NEVER got sick during them. I firmly believe this is because I never left the house and we keep our house very clean. All the various viruses and bacteria are all out there, in the wild atmosphere. But I honestly don’t think I’m going to get her to stop. She wants to stay active and for things to appear as normal and possible, and I totally respect that. I just really really want to protect her health.

I could talk about us going to the movie theater together, but idk. That’s not really striking me right now.

I might of mentioned this before, but something that’s been consistent about the way my brain has been dealing with this, is, a lot of times I’ll forget about this reality and like block out the fact that she’s sick and go about myself as if everything is fine, not thinking about it. I’ll sort of lose myself, like I really tend to do. And then, out of nowhere, like in some moments of boredom or stillness, it’ll hit me. How crazy it is to see my mom like this with such a grave sickness. The fact that I could very well lose her. The fact that the rest of my life could be without her completely. And then it just kills me. Like a punch in the gut, I lose the control or feeling of air or oxygen in my system and I sort of feel lifeless or like nothingness, a sort of loss of identity or purpose on top of the lack of them that I already have. And it only adds to the helplessness.

I really didn’t ever think things would be this way, that my life would turn out like this. I suppose I took my relationship with her for granted, but I don’t know, I just figured we still had some decades together. That eventually I would figure myself out and I could really start to pay my mom back and we could really start doing things together worthy of dreams. But now I don’t know if that time is ever going to come. It’s probably just best to look back on the life we had together for what it is. I don’t even know what to call it or how to classify or quantify it.

I should have been such a better son. As my mom said, this whole experience has been so “eye-opening”.

I miss my mom ALL THE TIME at work. ALL THE TIME. I just wish I could lay with her forever as she experiences this thing and rides it all out, however it ends. That’s why it’s so important for me to take her to chemo myself. I have to do this. I need to do a better job at creating moments with her while I still have her and I really am getting better rapidly and rapidly. It’s a funny thing what you do in desperate times when survival instincts really kick in. We should make simulators for that to help out people before things get seriously bad.

I’m fortunate enough to have sorted enough of my own problems out for this, to be able to be there for her in whatever capacity I am able to.

I want to get better and better at cleaning the house and upkeeping it, I’m going to have to, and I should have just in general. I’ve been cleaning the floors on my hands and knees and I’ve actually been enjoying it.

I really want my mom to write an epic list of everything important about life, all her advice, her guidelines, her tips, her ways. I want her to write a book. A guide to life for me. So she could still be with me when she’s gone. Maybe we’ll start to work on that, but I’m so busy.

I don’t know what else to say. I’m trying to get better, I really am, and I truly believe I’m making quite the head way. I miss her every moment I’m gone. When I drove to the theater in Chicago alone for the first time in a long time, I immediately felt her abscence in the car as I started to make the drive there. It was so quick and powerful, so noticeable and loud. It hurt so much. I seriously debated turning the car around and just staying home and hugging her. But I know she wouldn’t want me to do that. She would want me to live my own life and follow my own desires, as hard as that may be for me.

I’m getting tired unfortunately, but frankly I’m quite proud I finally got around to writing this. I told myself today at work that this was the first thing I was going to do after spending time with her when I got home from work until she fell asleep, if it’s the last thing I do. And I did it.

I just think about the punishment I’m seeing her body and mind and spirit take and I just have to block it out and fight the thoughts because if I really think about it, I might lose it. The reality of living a life without her in it at all is so mindblowing, it just leaves me with no air, that’s the best way to describe it. It feels like this huge black hole or void engulfs my whole chest/rib cage inside of me. I want to be a better son, a better person, and I am working on it. So far, so good.

Hopefully I don’t take a long break from writing here again. I’d like to get more specific or focused next time, but I just really wanted a legit refresher at least and I think I got it. I still have to go into more depth about what she was like when I was much smaller, a child. You guys, please ask specific questions to help spark ideas from me, to bring it out from me, and to keep me writing.

I don’t know. It feels like such a crazy ridiculous time. And I’m always worried that my anxiety will come back and I’ll shut off and seclude once more, but luckily it hasn’t really these past couple months especially. You have NO IDEA how truly grateful I am for that. And you have no idea how grateful I am for everyone’s support. I want to send a special shout out to my close internet friends Rosa, Chelsea, and Lily who were there for me from the first day I found out about my mother’s sickness and have always made themselves available for me throughout this whole time and have never really faltered. And a big thanks to each and every one of my family members for everything they’ve done, the gifts they bring, and the love they give. It’s invaluable. And to my co-workers who know my mom, thank you for your kind words and concerns.

Alright, I’ll leave for now and just be happy that I did this.

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quarttoe9-blog · 5 years ago

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The Fan Within

Prior to Monday night, I can’t recall the last time I was truly nervous or stressed watching a sporting event. I’ve covered championship games, and had the pleasure of calling a few, but when you’re calling the game you are working and focused on the task.

Being in the stands, engrossed in the game is much different, and to be honest, it is more fun. More stressful, but more enjoyable.

This past Sunday and Monday I was at the Art Hauser Centre in Prince Albert, Saskatchewan, for games six and seven of the WHL Championship. The place was electric both nights, but the nervous anticipation and stress was double on Monday for game seven.

My nephew, Noah Gregor, plays for the Prince Albert Raiders. I’ve watched him play hockey since he was seven. I’ve watched him and his brother, and my sister’s three boys play hockey for the past 15 years. It was always fun to just sit back and enjoy the moments. From Initiation to Novice to Atom into Peewee then Bantam, Midget and junior for two of them. I never got caught up in the outcome of a game in Novice, or Bantam. It was simply about having fun.

The atmosphere in the old barn in Prince Albert was incredible even an hour before puck drop. When the doors opened, fans rushed in to claim their position in the standing-room-only area.

Fans chasing standing room spots before Game 7 between @WHLGiants and @PARaidershockey pic.twitter.com/SG2XaVSPrS

— Steve Ewen (@SteveEwen) May 14, 2019

I saw people carrying in milk crates, a few saw horses, and I even saw a guy with a six-foot ladder. Standing room was three rows deep, and if you are short you couldn’t see. These fans were veterans. They knew where they wanted to stand and came prepared.

The Raiders last won a WHL title in 1985. That was their only appearance in the WHL final until this season. That is a long run of frustration for a community-owned team. They still play in the same arena, but it has had a few upgrades over the past 34 years. Now there is a 400-person lounge on the second floor, and it was jammed an hour before the game and throughout. It remained open in the third period and into overtime. What a concept: let fans buy a beer before overtime.

I drove to Prince Albert on Sunday with my five-year-old son Beckett and my 13-year-old nephew, Owen. The plan was to watch the Raiders win game six, celebrate, and we’d drive home early Monday so I’d be back in time to host my radio show. The Vancouver Giants had other plans. They won game six. I decided to extend my stay at the hotel, extend my car rental and arrange for Jason Strudwick to fill in as host.

Struds won two WHL titles and two Memorial Cups with the Kamloops Blazers in 1994 and 1995. He was glad to fill in so I could stay for game seven.

We spent Monday playing at the skate park, watching videos and then playing at another park. I wasn’t nervous during the day, but when I walked into the rink the excitement started to build.

Fans were amped up. I immediately sensed a palpable level of nervousness. This was our second trip to PA during these playoffs, and my son liked to watch the Raiders warm up. He stood right by the glass in the Raiders’ end. Noah skated by one time, and pointed his stick at him. Beckett was thrilled.

We then made our way to our seats. My brother likes to be in the attacking zone (for two periods) and we had great seats in section 3. (There are 20 sections in the rink, numbered 1-20.)

FIRST PERIOD

When the Raiders emerged from the dressing room the cheering amplified. Everyone belted out the National anthem. “Go Raiders Go” echoed through the building for the first three minutes of play. My sister-in-law bought Beckett a horn when we came in round three v. the Oil Kings. He loved his mini-pirate horn, and thankfully the fans around us didn’t mind him blowing it for ten minutes straight to start the game.

Both teams were tentative in the first period. Each had nine shots, but no dangerous scoring chances and it was 0-0 after 20 minutes. Many of the kids played mini-sticks at various locations of the rink during intermission. WHL playoffs are great, but for young kids mini-sticks are equally important.

Watching those kids slide all over the floor brought a big smile to my face. “Dad, I forgot my mini-stick,” said my son dejectedly.

2ND PERIOD

The crowd took their cheering to a new level. When Ian Scott made a save chants of “Scottie, Scottie,” echoed through the building. With each passing second the anxiety heightened. Every shot had you on the edge of your seat.

Milos Roman! The @NHLFlames prospect opens the scoring for @WHLGiants in Game 7 of the 2019 @Rogers #WHLChampionship Series! pic.twitter.com/fBrgpcFkjx

— The WHL (@TheWHL) May 14, 2019

Milos Roman opened the scoring 4:45 into the second period finishing off a great pass from Bowen Byram. Byram is a marvel to watch. He is so damn good. He is the best WHL defender I’ve seen since Scott Niedermayer. He skates like Niedermayer, holds onto the puck like Sergei Zubov in the offensive zone, and has the aggressive side of Drew Doughty. He is still 17. He turns 18 on June 13th. There is a lot of hype around Jack Hughes and Kaapo Kakko, and rightfully so, but Byram should receive the same hype. In the future I won’t be surprised at all if people look at him as the best player in the draft. He will be a legit #1 defender and he will play 25+ minutes/night. He has so much confidence and moxie to his game and he is only 17. Unreal.

At the ensuing faceoff Raiders fans chanted “Let’s go Raiders.” Trying everything to urge their team on. Beckett blew his horn in unison with the words.

The pace picked up and the teams exchanged chances, and ten minutes later the place erupted.

Noah Gregor evens this game up with a beauty! The @SanJoseSharks prospect gets the @PARaidersHockey on the board! #WHLChampionship pic.twitter.com/59VoAcuym2

— The WHL (@TheWHL) May 14, 2019

I haven’t jumped out of my seat in a long time, but I did here. The AHC went nuts. My brother and I high-fived. His face was a complete joy. Beckett was yelling and screaming. I think what he loved best about being at these games was he could yell and scream, blow his horn endlessly and never get in trouble.

The period ended tied at one. I needed the intermission to relax. Beckett wanted to go sit in the red car in the lobby. And have fries and ketchup. He was calm. My brother went and had a beer. I should have had one. I needed it.

3RD PERIOD

Everyone was back in their seats with four minutes left in intermission. No one wanted to miss a moment. The stress was building. Twenty minutes, or maybe more, to decide the WHL champion. Players work all year for this, and now the dreams come down to 20 minutes. I’m still hating my decision not to have a beer.

Period starts and once again the crowd ratchets up their cheering. Louder and longer. The announcer encourages them to keep cheering, but they didn’t need it. Many had been waiting 34 years, and they weren’t going away quietly.

Their loyalty got rewarded 4:25 into the third period.

Noah Gregor gets his second goal of the night! The @PARaidersHockey lead 2-1 in the third period!#WHLChampionship pic.twitter.com/WCLYqkiA6r

— The WHL (@TheWHL) May 14, 2019

Pandemonium again. My brother almost broke my hand when he high-fived me. Fans remained standing for two minutes. After we sat down Beckett looked at me, “Dad, who scored that goal?” He was cheering like a wild kid, but didn’t know who scored. He didn’t care. When I told him Noah scored he smiled, then quickly went back to blowing his horn.

Two and a half minutes later the Raiders take a penalty. “That’s a %$&#ing weak call,” I muttered to myself. I was a true fan again, questioning the officials. After the initial reaction, I tried to rationalize and think, yeah it probably was a trip. But I didn’t like it.

Bowen came on and this kid can cause a heart attack for opposing fans. He is so poised with the puck. The Giants didn’t score with him on the ice, but with 19 seconds remaining they tied the game. Roman again.

For those keeping score: Milos Roman 2 Noah Gregor 2. #WHLChampionship pic.twitter.com/qzGbyffMSP

— The WHL (@TheWHL) May 14, 2019

For the first time all night the rink is quiet, except for the Giants fans and parents.

There was 11:30 to play and the game is tied at two. My stomach was in knots. I took a few deep breaths. Beckett sat down for one of the few times in the game. It was like a punch to the gut, but the fans recovered and at the ensuing faceoff they voiced their support with another “Let’s Go Raiders,” chant.

The teams exchanged chances, and the Raiders rugged defender Zack Hayes found himself all alone in the slot with less than two minutes remaining, but just missed the net. He was going far side. I thought he was going to win the game right there. How unreal would that have been, I thought. The defensive stalwart all season gets the winner. I love those kinds of stories.

The buzzer went. Overtime. Just writing this I can feel that anxiousness again. All fans have felt it. It is equally great, equally awful. You almost feel like you will throw up. Sports are so awesome. There are very few things in life that evoke emotion like this, and I could see the anguish and excitement on the face of every fan.

I decided not to have a beer. I didn’t have one the previous intermission and the Raiders scored first. I’m not even a superstitious guy, yet here I was telling myself my not-drinking a beer will somehow impact the game. It is preposterous to think this way, but I did. I laugh about it now.

OVERTIME

I was emotionally drained and the period hadn’t started. I hadn’t felt like this in such a long time. I loved it.

The period started and the crowd was urging on their Raiders. The cheers grew louder. Chants continued. The drama builds.

The teams exchanged chances, and at the 14:27 mark of the third period draft eligible forward Brett Leason took a penalty. The puck rolled up on edge just before he was about to shoot it out of the zone and it flew into the mesh. Delay of game Raiders.

The refs huddled to discuss if it went off a stick. It didn’t.

“Come on PK,” I say quietly. This is not the way a championship game should end. The next two minutes were excruciating. The Raiders managed to kill it off. I spoke to Leason on the ice after the game. “Longest two minutes of my life,” he said.

I leaned back in my seat. Took a deep breath and re-charged. I could’ve used a cigarette. I don’t smoke, but I hear they calm your nerves.

We entered into the final two minutes of OT and I planned to change my strategy and get a beer this intermission. Screw the superstition. I need a beer.

I never got that beer.

The celebration is on at the Art Hauser Centre! @hannoun19 wins the 2019 @Rogers #WHLChampionship Series for @PARaidersHockey in overtime! pic.twitter.com/JXqTrzMLZm

— The WHL (@TheWHL) May 14, 2019

Dante Hannoun scored the winner with 1:35 remaining in OT. Noah found him wide open in front. The Raiders bench piled onto the ice. The place exploded. I pick up Beckett so he can see as I jumped up and down with him on my arm/shoulder. He high-fived fans all around us. He was screaming. I was hollering. My brother was grinning like a Cheshire Cat. Unreal.

The drought is over for Raiders fans. I can only imagine how Edmonton Oilers fans will react when their current 29-year drought ends. Or possibly St. Louis Blues or San Jose Sharks fans this season.

There was no knot in my stomach. I suddenly was not tired. Instantly all that nervousness was gone. I put Beckett down and we watched the ceremony. A few minutes later I looked over at him and he was crying. What’s wrong I ask? “I’m going to miss the Raiders. This was the best night ever.” I picked him up and consoled him. He is only five so his tears only last a few seconds, but it reminded me why I love sports. They create emotions. They make us feel, and when we feel we are alive.

I watched the boys mob each other. I saw some fans with tears of joy in their eyes. In a section over a gentleman in his 60s was sitting in his seat. Just taking it all in.

After we watched Noah skate around with the Cup we made our way down to the Raiders bench. I’m not great at capturing moments in pictures or on video, just ask my wife, but when we were on the bench I pulled out my phone and caught a video of Colin and Noah.

I saw so many players with their parents, or their billets, who are like second parents. Sharing success with those who helped you reach your goals makes it even better.

A few minutes later, I was standing by the bench, Beckett was running all over the ice. He thinks it is awesome he gets to go out there. Hulking defender for the Raiders Jeremy Masella skates over. I introduced myself and congratulated him. Masella is a classic, rugged, stay-at-home, third pairing defender. Selfless player. Due to an injury to Max Martin, Masella was promoted to the second pairing in this series. He played way more and he was excellent. I told him so, and he said thanks.

I’d never met him before and we spoke for a bit. I learned he is from Arizona. Chasing his dream in small town Saskatchewan. He couldn’t be in a better spot. His parents were in Vancouver for games 3-5, but weren’t here tonight. They hoped the Raiders would win so they could go to the Memorial Cup. Not every parent can be at these games. They have other kids, or jobs, and in that moment you realize the families that were there are really lucky.

The celebration continued on the ice. We took some photos and then I had to get Beckett to bed. It was 11:15. He usually is in bed at 7:30.

As we walked to the car he says to me, “Dad, I want to be a hockey player. Maybe one day I will win a trophy and score two goals.”

I hope he does, but mainly I hope he remembers the feeling of Monday night.

A very select few are good enough to play in the WHL, NCAA, USports or pro hockey, but we can all be fans.

And being a fan is awesome. I don’t get to be one very often, and that is okay, I love my job, but Monday was incredible.

Thank you to the Giants and Raiders for making the game so intense.

And to Noah, your performance made it a bit more special. Good luck at the Memorial Cup.

Recently by Jason Gregor:

Source: https://oilersnation.com/2019/05/15/the-fan-within/

#read more #see more #check it out #interesting #learn more

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freyjaiam · 8 years ago

Text

Trapped: 3/3

read on AO3

“Stay here.”

“I’m not-”

“Leonard,” she argued.

“Assassin,” he argued back and she huffed before going to the door. She heard him curse, struggling to stand as she opened the door. She frowned as she realized there was no one there. She looked around then noticed a folded piece of paper on the ground. She bent, picked it up, then stuffed it in her pocket so that he couldn’t see. He came to her side then and she opened the door wider.

“No one there,” she said.

“I doubt that it was no one,” he said, peering into the darkness. He then practically glared at her. “You should have waited. For me.”

“You called me Assassin,” she said.

“I... What?”

“He called me that. Or, you did... When... You know.”

“Oh.”

“Come on. You need some rest. We’ll figure out more when you’re well rested.”

“We need to plan,” he said. “Find a way out of here-”

“And we will,” she insisted. “But you still need rest. So can you please just do that? I can hopefully find something to eat here, not that I’m sure if we actually NEED to eat, and then we can brainstorm. Okay?”

“Ok,” he said, reluctantly heading back to the couch. He didn’t feel like doing stairs and so he relaxed as she shut and locked the door. When she was certain he was relaxing she went to the kitchen and pulled out the note. She bit her bottom lip before opening it, eyes traveling over the neat, cursive writing as it appeared on the page magically.

Meet me at the fountain in the park down the block. Come alone, Sara, and we can work out a deal that can save your friend. -H

"Shit,” she whispered, looking out the window. She saw no one but a part of her couldn’t help but to feel like she was being watched. She knew it would be a trap, but the idea of a deal had her wanting to try. So she waited. There was no food but she wasn’t hungry, which was a good thing. It meant they wouldn’t starve to death. On this side anyway. When she heard the heavy breathing she snuck out the back door, as silent as the assassin she was. She found the park easily and stood in front of the fountain that was cracked and overgrown with throny vines with not an ounce of water in it. She looked up at the star-less sky and sighed, wondering just what it was she’d gotten herself into by coming here.

”Sara Lance.” She stiffened then turned to face a red-headed man in a sharp, expensive looking blue suit. She put her guard up as he took a step toward her, his leather loafers silent on the cracked sidewalk. He held up his hand. “I do not wish to fight. Just... Talk.”

”Then talk. You said something about a deal.”

“I did,” he said, putting his hands in his pockets. “If Leonard Snart remains down here some of the souls I’ve collected would... Vanish. Souls of those in his crew he’d murdered, souls of those who wanted to ‘be as good as Leonard Snart’ and ended up killed would be returned... His father would be alive as well. Let’s just say that because of him. I’ve gotten some good ones. And you, too, might I add, so thank you.”

“Cut to the chase,” said Sara, ignoring the guilt in her gut. How many souls were down here because of her? Because of who she’d become? “What do you want?”

“An exchange. Your soul for his.”

“Done,” she said, without hesitation.

“Just like that?” he asked.

Sara once again thought of the repercussions if she didn’t take this deal. This Leonard being here meant other souls wouldn’t be here, but what souls WOULD be here? She remembered a story he told of telling the Flash about a job that would’ve turned messy and killed a lot of people. Innocent bystanders, cops, and criminals alike. She thought of others he’d saved since becoming a Legend. Stein, Jax, and everyone else on the crew would be as risk. And also... She cared. She cared about him and she wanted to save him now... Because she’d been unable to then.

“Just like that.” She crossed her arms over her chest. “What do I need to do to get him out of here?”

“The bell tower over there has an elevator,” he said, pointing to it. “It’s a portal to the land of the living. Basically, put him on that elevator, and his soul will be released.” He then shifted to point his finger at her. “Now, if I see you get on that elevator with him, then the deal is off and I keep you both. You understand?”

“I do,” she said.

“Good.” He grinned, eyes roaming over her in a way that had her wanting to punch him in the face. As if reading her thoughts he laughed, head tilting back slightly. “I like you Sara. I look forward to punishing your soul.”

Then, he was gone, leaving her alone in the dark. With a new set of determination in her she went to the house. She didn’t go inside, just sat on the porch, lost in her thoughts. A few minutes later he joined her, settling at her side, something he’d do again and again in his future.

“Something’s wrong.”

“No.”

“I can tell.”

“I found a way out,” she said simply. “Found some souls who let me in on a little trade secret. It’s... How they haunt the earthly world. You know?”

“Uh huh...” he said. “And?”

“Basically the plan is we ride that elevator up and our souls are released. We get back to our bodies and... We wake up? I guess?”

“You guess?” He shrugged. “Better than any other plan I guess.”

“I have to tell you something. Before we go,” she said, looking up at him. His blue eyes captured her, as they always had in her past. “I’m not sure if the others will make you forget once we get back. But I have to say this without them knowing I told you. The Oculus. There’s... A failsafe. We have to leave someone behind because they need to push the lever down and hold it. So, Crook, I’m leaving you with the job of finding an out-”

“Instead of dying,” he said, making her eyes widen then soften.

“Yeah.”

“You cared for him. Future me. Didn’t you?”

“A little,” she said, making him laugh and shake his head.

“He isn’t worth it. I’m not worth it.”

“You are,” she insisted and once again his eyes met hers and she smiled sadly, reaching over to squeeze his hand before standing. “Let’s go. I don’t want to spend another minute in this place.”

“Agreed.”

And so they walked, the Crook and the Assassin, to the bell tower. It loomed over Central City like a dark shadow. The dilapidated structure had seen better days, the wood splitting and the paint peeling. Opening the door had been a struggle, the rust on the hinges doing its best to keep it closed. Something scuttled to the darker corner when they entered and all Sara could smell was must and death. Before them was the elevator, covered in dust and cobwebs. She felt her stomach twist, knowing what she had to do, and a part of her thought for a split second of just taking the chance and riding up top with Leonard. But... She couldn’t risk it. She couldn’t risk her crew. So she went to the elevator and the doors opened easily. She turned to Leonard.

“Ready?” He nodded. “Good.”

She moved fast. She gripped him by the borrowed shirt and twisted, pushing him in. He winced as his back met the unyielding metal of the caged elevator and before he could move. Before he could fight... She had the door closed. He rushed forward, moving to open it, but it wouldn’t open. Instead, it started the slow ascent.

“WHY?!” he shouted, demanded, straining his body by trying again and again to open the door. She saw the panic in his eyes. The fear of leaving her behind. All she could do was smile and watch as he continued to go upward. “Sara, why?”

“Because you are worth it, Leonard Snart. Because you’re a hero and the future needs you. Because...” She bit her bottom lip, tears collecting in her eyes. “Because a little part of me fell in love with you.”

“Sara...” He hit the elevator door with the flats of his hands. “Sara!”

“Goodbye,” she said as the elevator went up and out of sight. Behind her she heard movement and tensed as a set of cold hands settled on her shoulders.

“Don’t worry,” said Hades. “I always keep my deals. Leonard Snart is waking up now as we speak.”

“Good,” she said, hollowly, feeling her inner goodness start to dissipate and the trained assassin awaken with a long yawn and stretch.

Leonard Snart gasped, eyes opening, and immediately he looked around. He saw the faces of those he didn’t know yet, Mick and... Sara. She lay beside him, covered in white feathers, looking peaceful. As if she were just asleep instead of trapped in the Underworld.

“No. No!” he shouted, sitting up. He felt dizzy and a pair of hands tried to steady him but he just lashed out, hitting the man in the trench coat and loosened tie square in the jaw before going to his feet. He went to her side, taking her hand. “Why? Why would you do that?”

“What happened?” demanded Mick. “Where’s Sara?”

“She...” He closed his eyes, swallowing down his sorrow, replacing it with his cool exterior the best he could. “She stayed behind.”

“What?!” shouted the one called Oliver Queen.

“She made a deal. Her soul for mine.” He sighed. “I didn’t know. I’d have never...”

“We can get her back, right?” asked Mick, looking to Constantine, who was rubbing his tender jaw.

“Sorry, Mate, if she made a legit deal with Hades there is nothing we can do.” Constantine shook his head. “Soon, with her soul gone, her body will die.”

“We can keep her alive until we come up with a plan,” said Oliver. “Put her on life support-”

Constantine shook his head. “Magic has consequences, Oliver. She’s paying hers now.” Constantine looked to the woman now. “She’s lost. I’m sorry.”

As friends of Sara cried out in pain at having lost another close friend, all Leonard could do was take her hand and close his eyes. He barely knew her. He’d fought against her... and yet she still chose to save him. She said she loved him. Him! A crook who liked hurting people. Who turned out to be just like his father when it came to taking lives without mercy.

How could she love a man like him?

Once again, life has proven to Leonard Snart, that it was far from fair.

Sara wasn’t sure what happened. One moment she was in the dark. With Hades. Him making all these plans for her. Then, she was suddenly in the light. She remembered Hades screaming out in protest... Then, a rushed feeling against her skin, and the bright light. She looked around, unfamiliar with where she was. Everything was just... White.

“Hello.” She turned to face Nyssa. Only she wasn’t Nyssa. Right? “It’s nice to meet you again, Sara.”

“Who are you?”

The form changed. From Nyssa to a woman with skin as dark as the night and kind eyes the color of the rocks of Sedona. Her head was shaven and her lips painted a bold red. She was wearing what appeared to be a toga, also red in color, her sandal covered feet silent as she walked to Sara.

“A friend.”

“How... Where is Hades?”

“In his Underworld having a fit I presume.”

“You... You took me?” asked Sara.

“I did.”

“Why?” asked Sara before repeating her original question. “Who are you?”

“My name is Enyo,” said Enyo. “I have saved your soul, Sara Lance, because your final resting place will be with the warriors of your world. Not the lost and forgotten. You are too special to be wasted on Hades.”

“But I made a deal,” she said, biting her lower lip in worry.

“Which was broken. By me. Trust me when I say he will not pick a fight with me. A fight that he would lose. Horribly.” Enyo laughed. “Your fight is not over Sara Lance. There is much still to be done. Many battles to be fought. Maybe wars to be won. You’re still needed.”

“So you’re sending me back?” asked Sara.

“I am. Believe it or not, sometimes Gods can be empathetic towards humans. Especially ones as extraordinary as yourself. Much blood has been spilled in your name and someone like me can appreciate that.” Noticing Sara’s wince, Enyo tutted, cupping Sara’s face and looking down at her like a mother would their child before scolding them. “You cannot fight who you are, Sara. You need to embrace your identity. You have spilled blood for the name of good as well. Do not forget that. Do not lose yourself to your past. You have many battles ahead and you must not hesitate for what needs to be done to protect your world. You understand?”

“I think so,” she said.

“Good, now that we got that out of the way...” Enyo slid her hand down to Sara’s shoulder and Sara winced as she felt a burning sensation at her shoulder. “You are now protected by me. Hades, should he try something to gain your soul back, will be punished dearly if he does.”

“And Leonard?” asked Sara. “What about him? What’s to stop Hades from going after my family and friends?”

“We have laws and rules that will protect them from that. Hades knows what the Underworld is for. His purgatory is meant for souls who are lost finding their way toward their final chapter. Trust me when I say it is foreseen that he will be losing that position sooner rather than later. By the hand of others in another realm. Your friends and family will be protected as well.”

“Good.”

“Now... Let’s get you back to where you belong.”

Enyo reached up, pressed a finger to Sara’s forehead, and soon she was back where she’d started. In her body. Eyes opening with an abnormal glow before settling to her natural color. What she saw broke her heart. She saw Oliver and Ray crying. Mick in the corner cradling his hand, a dent in the wall nearby. And Leonard. Leonard was holding her hand and so she tightened the hold, making his head snap up to meet her eyes. And it wasn’t her imagination. His eyes were red-rimmed as if he’d been ready to cry.

“Sara?”

“Hey...” Sara slowly sat up, and was soon overwhelmed by her friends crowding her. Even Mick, who settled a hand on her shoulder. She chuckled, brushing the feathers off of her that’d been part of the spell. “Let’s not do that again, okay?”

“What happened?” asked Oliver.

“Divine intervention.”

“Seriously?” asked Ray. “You were saved by God?”

“A God. Goddess, actually...” Sara, remembering the burning sensation, pulled down the sleeve of her shirt to get a better look at the back of her right shoulder. There were a cluster of stars there. Constantine studied them then sucked in a breath. “Enyo.”

“Bloody hell,” muttered Constantine.

“Who is that?” asked Ray.

“Goddess of war. Well. One of them,” said Constantine.

“Cool,” said Mick.

“So,” said Sara, squeezing Leonard’s hand. He hadn’t said anything since she woke up, and now he released her hand before backing away. “Shall we go?”

“You’ve been avoiding me,” said Sara, stepping into the cargo hold. Leonard was there, cleaning his gun. Not the coldgun. He’d been retrieved from his past too early to have it. He looked up at her as she entered then back down at his gun. She tilted her head to the side as she saw him almost viciously clean a part before sighing, letting the piece fall.

“I have,” he admitted.

Sara didn’t ask why. She knew why. So she just nodded, sitting across from him, crossing her arms tightly over her chest. She watched as he thought. Thinking about what to say as they remained silent. The Waverider was on its way back to where he came from. The pill Rip insisted he take so that the timeline remained intact weighing heavily in his pocket.

“Leonard? You’ll take the pill. So whatever you’re trying to think of to say. Just... Just say it. You won’t remember saying it but I will. And whatever you need to say just... Just say it.”

“I’m just trying to make sense of... Us. Of me, and you, and-”

“Me and you,” finished Sara, her heart hurting with the familiar line.

“Yes.”

“We just grew to know one another. We played cards, talked shit about the other members of the crew, and had a drink. Flirted, but never really did anything about it. Not... Not until the Oculus.”

“Where I died,” he said. “I know its me. It doesn’t take a genius to know it was me you were talking about.”

“I kissed you goodbye,” said Sara with a shrug.

“Did you mean what you said? About...” he trailed off, not able to say it outloud.

“I don’t lie about things like that.”

“Sara, I...” Leonard sighed, standing, pacing now. She just watched him trying to put the pieces together. Trying and failing. She stood and he stopped before snapping his head up to meet her gaze. She could tell he was about to say something mean. Something to distance himself. And so, she just rushed forward and kissed him instead. He tensed, went absolutely rigid, and didn’t quite kiss her back. At least not right away. Despite their first kiss having been desperate there had been some softness to it. This one was harsh and he tilted his head slightly before kissing her back, hands wandering over her form before gliding up into her hair. He sighed as she broke the kiss, all the snappy words that’d been on the tip of his tongue forgotten. “Well... That was unexpected.”

“You’ll take the pill and everything will go back to normal. Okay?” She smiled sadly. “Then, in a few years, you’ll meet me and I’ll accuse you of staring at my ass.”

“Was I?”

“Yep. But I have a nice ass, so I don’t blame you.”

He laughed at that before sobering. Tentatively he reached up, hand gliding over her freckled cheek. “I don’t deserve you.”

She smiled sadly. “Believe it or not, Leonard, you do.”

He’d taken the pill. The timeline had been restored. Everything happened as it should have happened. Leonard Snart still died at the Oculus and Sara had retired to her room that night with a bottle of scotch. She drank and drank... All while feeling the heavy weight of the deck of cards in her pocket. She wasn’t sure when she fell asleep, but she awakened to a bright light. Opening her eyes her jaw dropped. There, standing before her, was Leonard.

Her Leonard.

“Hello, Assassin.”

“W-W-What?” she asked, straightening. “How...”

“Enyo.” He smirked. “Apparently she’s a fan of us both.”

“I...” Sara frowned, standing from her bed. “I don’t understand.”

“She brought me back,” said Leonard with a shrug. “As a gift to you or whatever. Not that I like being referred to as a gift, but hey. If it means I live then I guess I’ll take it. Beggers can’t be choosers.”

It was at that moment Sara Lance broke. She felt a crack in her exterior and suddenly all her pain and sorrow released. Her face twisted and then she sobbed and Leonard was there in an instant. She held onto him, breathing in his scent, taking in the solid feel of his warm body against hers.

“You know,” he said, after she calmed. “I remember that time in the Underworld. She gave me those memories. I remember Lewis and the torture... I remember you saving me. I remember you sending me up that damn elevator and staying behind because...”

“Of the crew,” she mumbled. “I couldn’t risk the timeline.”

“And,” he prompted, making her smile against the damp fabric of his shirt.

“Because I kinda liked you,” she whispered.

“Only like?” he asked, pressing a kiss to the top of her head, making her shiver. She tilted her head up slightly to press her lips to the underside of his chin, making him hum in approval.

“I was falling in love with you,” said Sara. “And losing you twice has me knowing its more than just falling. I...” Why was this suddenly so hard? “A part of me still loves you.”

“Good.” He sighed. “I’m not one for the whole... Feelings thing. But... With you, Sara, damn if I didn’t go and fall for a hero.”

“Leonard Snart I swear to God if you don’t say it back-”

“I love you,” he said softly, bending slightly, lips close to hers. “I love you and it scares the hell out of me but now that I’m back I never want to leave your side again. How’s that for romance?”

Sara laughed, wrapping her arms back around him, hugging him tightly.

“I suppose we better go tell the others you’re back,” she said.

“We have to?”

“Yes. Especially Mick.”

“I suppose you’re right.”

“Then, after, we can talk...” She offered him a secret smile, letting him know she wanted to do more than talk later. “Deal?”

He smiled. “Deal.”

Unbeknownst to them both, on his shoulder, was the same mark Sara had from Enyo. A cluster of stars that meant so much more than just protection from Hades. The two souls were now connected. Intertwined when it came to the call of battle. She was the sword to his shield. The bow to his quiver. They fought not just for the light, but in Enyo’s name. The Crook and the Assassin would make history saving the world through time.

Together.

END

note: I was inspired by East on Emerald City for the look of Enyo, who is the goddess of war and a companion of Aries. She is known to be so ruthless she’ll take down whole cities, leaving them in ruin.

#captain canary #leonard snart #sara lance #legends of tomorrow #inspired by ouat #lotff #lot ff #ccff #cc ff

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aching-tummies · 2 years ago

Text

RP-Ask Starter

I'm in the mood for something sadistic (again). So...here's a snippet-starter. If you're a sadistic-partner type, please respond with an RP-ask or a quote for an RP-lite where you continue this scenario with me.

I've managed to avoid you for the whole night.

It's one of those days where you got off work earlier than me. You were done around 2PM and I was closing tonight, off at 8PM. I told you not to wait up, that I wouldn't need dinner tonight and I'd figure out food myself.

Honestly, I had planned for that to be a lie. My stomach's been feeling icky all day. I've been out since 8AM thanks to unreliable transit and me being a stickler for not being late to work. I grabbed a breakfast sandwich from one of the random fast-food chains in the area before my shift and honestly, I'm still feeling it more than 12 hours later. Maybe they used old grease or their English muffin or whatever was stale or their eggs were going bad or whatever. Whatever it was, that craptacular breakfast wasn't supposed to fill me up for long...but it's still in my system more than 12 hours after I polished it off.

All day, I've felt my stomach doing cartwheels inside of me. It's like the breakfast sandwich decided I'm a moon-bounce or something 'cuz that's how my guts feel right now. The damned sandwich refuses to be digested. Around 2PM I swear I felt my intestines returning some chunky slurry of gosh-knows-what to my duodenum. We all know that part of my anatomy is super sensitive. It felt so, so *nasty*. Imagine the most intense torrent of vomit you have ever experienced. That's what it felt like. It felt like my intestines projectiled upwards into my duodenum. I felt the mess bubbling, chundering around itself as the slurry quickly and forcefully pushed through a sphincter that wasn't designed to let things through that way.

That's how things have been all day. I've lost count of how many times I've felt a disturbing "squish" and torrent of slurry travelling with great velocity through my guts in all directions. Clearly, my guts don't feel like being a one-directional system today. It'd be alright if there was some order to the madness...but nope. Twice during my shift I swear I felt the slurry forcefully flood into my stomach-organ. I definitely felt my torso spasm and I could taste the nastiness at the back of my throat. I had a customer in front of me the first time and I managed to play it off and swallow back the grossness. My tummy was *not* happy about that. I ended up making some joke about it almost being my lunch-break when the customer heard my stomach burble after that stunt. I lied--my break happened about two hours before then and I didn't eat a dang thing during it. I spent my break in the washroom at another establishment, trying to quietly coax something to leave my system in any direction. Of course the one opportunity I had to actually tend to my guts was the one moment in the day that everything decided to pause. I spent the entirety of my 30 min break trying everything--rubs, squeezes, punches, chugging my waterbottle--no movement--NONE! And, of course, the second I got back to work it was like someone hit the "play" button. I felt a large torrent of sick drop like a brick through my guts. I legit feared I'd hear a 'splatter' after that. It was close...but the internal ping-pong resumed and the huge torrent ended up being broken up into tinier waves of slurry that took turns travelling in different directions in my guts.

By 8PM, I knew I had 20 minutes until the next bus would arrive to take me home. I ducked into a bathroom stall at a random establishment near the stop and tried again. I got movement--but all of it was concentrated inside--nowhere near either end to expell the horrors that had been plaguing me all day. My abdominals were shot to hell and beyond sore. They'd spent all day contracting involuntarily, trying to keep the slurry in-play...so I guess everything was exhausted. One good clench from anywhere would likely not meet any resistance...but my body was exhausted on all fronts.

The 50 minute bus ride was agony. I spent the whole time with my knees as high as I could get them, pressed tight to the seat-rest in front of me, keeping me curled up around my sore stomach. The weak back and forth churning continued throughout the whole trip. Other passengers definitely heard a stray grumble every once in a while when things were silent (i.e. when the bus was waiting at a light). A few gave me strange looks but I was far too exhausted to care. I spent the whole time with my arms sandwiched against my tummy, imagining that the little strength left in my arms was all that was holding my sickly guts steady. I felt every vibration of the bus and the asphalt go straight to my guts. Vibrations are fun...not when your guts have been quaking sickeningly for twelve hours.

By some miracle, I made it home without making a mess from either end. You'd ignored my messages telling you not to leave me anything and there was a medium portion of spaghetti waiting for me when I got home. You said it was what remained after you put some portions away for tomorrow, claiming that you've never been good at measuring dry pasta.

I ate it. I didn't want to hurt your feelings or waste the food. Besides, despite how sickly my guts have been all day, I know what has gone in there and it definitely wouldn't have been enough sustenance. If the sickness ever passes, I'll be ravenous. I slurpped down the spaghetti.

It's been about 20 minutes since we put the plates away. My stomach hasn't stopped churning. I'd hoped that the influx of good food would have settled my guts, but it's only made everything worse.

The pasta noodles feel like live worms in my guts. I feel like I swallowed a den of snakes. I can feel strands of noodles getting stuck between my stomach-organ and my duodenum--just hanging there between parts of my anatomy (like the feeling you get when stringy food gets caught on your braces or your back teeth and dangles down your esophagus...).

I've managed to avoid you all night, but I can tell you're growing suspicious. I can't help the fact that I've been moving gingerly and discreetly rubbing at my problematic tummy. It hurts. I feel sick. I want to throw up. I want this sickly game of pong to end but nothing I'm able to do to my own guts has managed to push things over one side or another. My sore abdominals are too sore and exhausted to contract enough for me to vomit. I can feel it. I'm too sore, my muscles too strained to muster up enough force to get anything to expel. On top of that, it's not like enough of the sickly mass of undigested food is gathered together in the right place to be expelled. The spaghetti has taken up residence in my stomach-organ--sitting densely as the sphincter remains tightly squeezed shut around a stubborn noodle. The sickly slurry that was once a breakfast sandwich has been passing back and forth throughout my intestines. Thanks to the spaghetti, it hasn't ventured back up into the stomach (yet/) but I can feel the acid slurry licking and burning at my duodenum.

I'm wary of you. If you became aware of the trouble brewing within me, you'd take matters into your own hands--literally. You'd likely squeeze my abused guts, treating them roughly, keeping up the game of pong for your own entertainment indefinitely. We've done it before. You've tortured my guts for hours, juggling bad food back and forth for hours on end, heedless to my mewls of discomfort and relishing it whenever you get me to the point of heaving without the relief of actually expelling anything. Maybe even worse: you'd do nothing. My guts are so sore and the twinges I feel from my guts are so weak that I know for a fact that nothing is going to expel without some outside force being applied. Nothing will move inside of me unless something outside applies enough pressure in the right places to coax it to move toward either end. If you were in a particular type of mood, you'd clue into my stomach troubles and you'd set things up so that neither of us gets to touch my volatile tummy. You'd bind my hands above my head, denying me even the small relief my own exhausted arms can bring. You'd either tie up or sit on my legs to prevent me from curling up and trying to reduce the strain on my abdominals. You'd sit there and just observe--no touching--no helping. Or worse...you'd get all science-y and start probing. As sensual as navel sessions are, I'm really not keen on the idea of having a hard object prodding into my bloated up intestines and stirring up the acidic concoction within. If we're not careful, you might perforate something and I'm pretty sure the acidic slurry has a low enough pH to do some real damage. My duodenum is on fire already after repeated exposure to the once-chunky mess.

I'm on the couch now. I've been here for the last little while, craddling my sickly tummy. I'm hoping I can sneak off to my bedroom and spend all night in my en-suite...praying I can expel the sick quietly. Almost there. If I go to bed before you, you'll know something is up. I gotta wait for you. You shut off the television. It's late--especially for you. You stretch, a tell-tale sign you're gonna get up and bid me good-night.

GrrrrrBLbrrlbrrr.....rrrrr

Dread grips my heart like a vice when I see the change in your expression. There is no way you didn’t hear that. You're eyes widen and zero in on my midriff, hidden under a baggy hoodie. My stomach cramps sharply and I wince. There’s no way you missed that either.

What do you do?

#RP-starter #tummy kink #upset tummy #tummy ache #tummy ache kink #sickly tummy

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lana-del-briaridyl-blog · 7 years ago

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#2 - August 2, 2017

First of all, notice that I’ve changed our url. And that’s because I’m a big fucking klutz and I accidentally liked a post on ZG’s new girlfriend’s blog while on this account. Just hand me a gold medal for being the world’s shittiest Tumblr stalker. ZG texted me and her girlfriend changed her url. Yikes.

I’m literally writing this at work right now. Getting paid by the hour. *money barf emoji*

About the self-sabotage/crushing on straight guys thing: It could be that you’re subconsciously going for people you know are unattainable, which is scary, but I think that’s actually a pretty normal tendency and I wouldn’t be too worried (if that helps at all?). Crushing on celebrities/older people/people in relationships can be a safe testing ground for us to figure out what we like and what kinds of people we’re into without the pressure of trying to make something happen. The problem is, in your case, you have to live with this guy AND a relationship is something that you actually want right now.

Also, the feeling that everyone else is getting all of the experiences in dating/sex/romance and you’re not is LITERALLY THE WORST THING EVER. Like, it has so much power to bring up the “yo is there something wrong with me tho” feelings.

SO. A few things (gonna bullet point because paragraphs are whatever):

To be honest, a lot of things about dating really suck. The honeymoon period goes away eventually, and a lot of times you’re kind of left with this dynamic that feels more like when you and I would sit in the N*ckCave in high school and put in a pizza and talk about what to watch on TV/YouTube for 30mins before just sitting on the couch and doing whatever than it does ~romance~. I’m not saying there’s not value in that dynamic (there really, really is — having someone you can love and feel comfortable doing next to nothing around is important and wonderful), but I’m just trying to demystify the whole ~~relationship~~ thing that often feels like surrounded by its own magical fairy dust from observers. Falling in love is exciting but, from my experience at least, it’s one of those things that exists in the extremes of micro and macro. You notice it in tiny tiny things and you acknowledge its larger arc over time. The in between bits haze over and get lost in the everyday.

The point of that point (eyyy) was that relationships aren’t inherently meaningful. My tendency is to think of a romantic relationship as some fated match of kindred souls coming together, but that’s LOL NOT HOW IT WORKS S*PH**. More realistically it’s just two people who were like “sup dude you’re cool I’m cool lets make something together” and then they do and it grows or it doesn’t. And the beautiful part is that thing you make and take care of. Not just the fact that you’re two people who are attracted to each other. And maybe it’s fate but if it is we can’t think of it that way.

And you’re over there in California like “HI HELLO WORLD I AM *READY* TO BUILD THAT MOTHERFUCKING FIRE” and you’re just getting echoes with a side of straight frat boys hollering “pu$$y pu$$y pu$$y marijuana” and it’s frustrating for me that I can't help you more with the literal finding-of-a-person-to-love situation. I can’t manifest a perfect partner for you (would if I could, boo), but I’m trying my best to use this space to complicate some of the assumptions about what the value of a relationship is, and why sometimes we feel such a lack (of love, of security, of power, of time left in our lives to *find* love/security/power) in our lives without one.

The TP/RS thing (wishing you’d had the chance to have an experience like theirs early on — or at all) is actually something that’s come up in my own anxious relationship thoughts. Part of me wants to say to you, “No, those early, stepping-stone relationships are bullshit, timing doesn’t matter, there’s no such thing as ‘learning’ how be in a relationship because it’s different every time with every person, TP and RS probably aren’t any better people or partners for it, etc.” and part of me wants to say, “Yo ok but let’s not try to downplay the significant social capital and external validation they gained from being a public couple at R**s*v*lt and into later high school years. Dating has STRONG inertia, and it’s as easy to slide from relationship to relationship when you’re in one/just got out of one (lol hi hello it’s me) as it is difficult to break out of feeling static when you're single. Though likely not all too deep within the relationship itself, the fact that it got the ball rolling for both of them both in their sense of confidence in dating *and* in others’ perceptions of their respective ~datability~ is legitimate.”

So what I think I’ll land on with the TP/RS thing (you know that I’m just using them as an example to talk about the concept of having dated while still under your parents’ roof, basically) is this: Yeah, not having done it does stunt your growth a little. And I think this phenomenon is particularly common and particularly evident for queer/gay people who were either not out in high school or didn’t date for other reasons. I’ve read more than one ~thinkpiece~ (don’t laugh at me) about the consequences for queer people in particular of barriers to dating during teen years. Maybe this is why the culture of hookups seems to exist for gay men and the culture of “U-hauling” exists for gay women? Like two extremes of dating, either no commitment or a TON all at once due to fear of not having the right “skills” to build a steady partnership?

(I have a huge fucking bone to pick with the lack of safe, non-alcoholic queer spaces for young people. But that’s a topic for another post.)

BUT the area in which not having had relationships stunts your development is one that 1) has been overblown and glamorized in its significance and 2) probably has influence over your sense of relationship confidence more because of external social dynamics that validate couples over single people than because it gives you real life skills that make you a better partner. Did that make any sense? What I’m trying to say is that TP/RS relationships help you develop and that’s REAL but not in the way that you think, and the way that they help you develop doesn’t lend itself that well to the *stuff* that makes relationships juicy and loving and good. More social capital than internal growth. Same with JC/ZH.

On to the stuff that I think makes relationships juicy and loving and good: Vulnerability — the blind trust in someone to take pieces of your literal warm guts and soul out of the part of your stomach that hurts when you’re embarrassed and put them on the table and feel the discomfort and, like, roll in it. Bloody fucking gross but bloody fucking good. The cool misty calm of the patience, space, curiosity that it takes to stay in tact as an individual human and united-yet-not-swallowed alongside another person (you can’t have all of your guts on the table or you’d die, ya know?). There’s a different kind of vulnerability (this is the one that I’m less good at, lmao) in trusting silence and allowing privacy and distance and unknown and allowing for a slower meshing, I guess. Also, willingness to embrace and respect mundane — having enough faith in your mutual connection to know that it’s there even when it’s not right in front of you. Obviously there’s a lot more than those three, but I feel like anything else I could list would kind of fit into one of those categories.

I don’t think any of those skills (can you call them that?) are exclusive to romantic relationships. You can explore those concepts within yourself and notice your own ability to give/receive vulnerable words and actions, your own tendency to desire an all-consuming or all-giving bond with someone regardless of reciprocation (gas refilling?), and what feels scary and what feels safe and why. What are the parts of you that you’re excited/ready to share with another person? What are the parts of you that you want to share with another person but (possibly) feel scared to give? And what are the parts of you that feel so precious that you want to keep all to yourself? What do you want or not want to receive If there are any ~stepping stones~ toward a meaningful partnership, I think it’s asking yourself these questions.

I hope I’m not getting too theoretical or too preachy here. This is for you but it’s also for me. Putting these words on a page feels nice because shit if I know how love works.

I can’t take away the pain and the SHITTYNESS that comes with watching everyone around you navigate hookups and dating and love while also having unrequited feelings for someone. That’s like a double fucking punch in the stomach. And I also felt like sharing ~practical dating tips~ would be kind of dumb because our environments are so different and I can’t really promise that anything I would have suggested would actually help you get what you want. But I hope these thoughts can at least give you something to chew on? I hope they can complicate some widespread assumptions about what relationships are and why we think (/are told) they’re somehow higher than other forms of love.

Currently, I’m feeling a little too winded by the nauseating Uber pool ride that is my internal life right now to write it all down and flesh it out. Today, things feel calm and relatively stable (by “things” I mean: my mental health and its inevitable connection to how secure I’m feeling in my relationship with PL, my lingering not-relationship-not-friendship-but-not-not-something with ZG, and my attraction to GL — text me if you need explanations of initials, but I think you got it). Last night, PL gave me a packet and reading of five poems from the last few months that all have to do with me/our relationship. I think I’ve told you this, but she’s a published and super talented legit poet, so these aren’t just sappy love poems I’m dealing with here. I cried and I didn’t know how to respond to her poem-words with my mouth-words and I told her that I love her.

The I-love-you thing has been something we’ve opened conversation about before. When I explained to her my complications with feeling like I got into this relationship too fast after ZG and that I’m still dealing with leftover feelings and love for ZG (It’s been an intense couple of weeks for PL and me. Did I tell you about this conversation we had? I also told her about GL — not by name because I think that would make things really tricky, but I told her that I have feelings for one of my close friends), one of the things that hurt her the most was that I was so freely saying how much I still “loved and cared about” ZG when “I love you” still isn’t a thing that PL and I regularly say in our relationship. I told PL that it wasn’t that I didn’t feel that way towards her, but I just didn’t feel ready for whatever reason to say it, even though it gets expressed in different ways.

But I think the real reason why I’ve been hesitant to say it is that in a lot of ways it feels like the last thing I can hold onto about my relationship with ZG. As if only having said “I love you” to one romantic partner ever kept ZG’s and my relationship alive in some way, and that sharing those words with someone else (even if I felt it) would start the real fading-away process of that past relationship.

Last night I felt it, and I said it, and PL said it back, and like… nothing exploded. Love is not finite! You LITERALLY cannot run out. It’s cool. I just have to keep reminding myself that loving a new person doesn’t diminish or disrespect previous loves. Then we had sex on her parents’ couch.

I love you and I miss you and write back when you can.

Sincerely,

Just Wants Lots Of Friends Who Invite Me To Their Parties (aka Y)

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